#where you are functionally gendered as a failure

[captain-lovelace]

[mono-dot-jpeg]

boy failures for u - i. yoichi, s. nagi, s. ryusei, b. meguru

summary; in which some boys just love you so much, they simply can't function

genre/extra tags; scenarios, fluff, comedy, projecting my love for dog energy boys, they're so pathetic /pos, bachira is clumsy, ryusei is an embarrassingly horny dude (can confirm, he gets no bitches, absolutely ZERO play!!), nagi... is perfect as he is, yoichi,,,, is just socially awkward around people he has a crush on

[gender neutral reader]

a/n; look at me being fancy this one panel banner, slay. tbh i couldn't think of a good three photos to use for it so i tried this which is kind of nice. anyways i had a sudden thought hit me and it must be done. and what better anime to write for than the one where everyone has unexplainable gay tension between each other. i swear im as caught up as possible i think and i swear the gay tension is like,, crazy.

isagi yoichi is endearing. he's so bad at being normal around you. his face flushed a cute red, and his words barely managing to leave his mouth as you talk to him so sweetly. he doesn't know how to handle a crush. and it's so cute to tease him because he just doesn't know how to respond properly.

the times where he does manage to gain enough confidence to talk a conversation with you, he's never taking the lead in any of them. he's talking [somewhat] normally to you, answering your questions and [attempting] to reply to your thoughts and responses. of course, just don't flirt with him too hard. there's like a 50 percent chance he will understand it or not.

he can't even admire you correctly. when he attempts to give you a compliment, he's saying all the wrong words and apologizing profusely like he offended your entire bloodline. he's so utterly enchanted by you, he wonders if you're an angel sent just for him.

"you're so nice, y/n." "huh?" "i-i mean you're really cute! wait- i didn't mean that! fuck- not that i don't think you look cute! you're really a great person, you know?! sorry! i'm just gonna go back to practice...!"

nagi seishiro is so lazy that you can't help but watch over him. you understand why reo adores him (a little too much). he's a boy with pretty privilege and talent. he talks to you with such honesty that he unintentionally flirts with you. he doesn't know a lot of things well, but even he's had his fair share with understanding liking people (but that's only with the random dating sims he's tried).

when he manages to get on his feet, whether it's for a soccer match or you, he's stuck by you like a cute koala. he whines about everything being "too much of a hassle." but he finds himself walking around looking for you, no matter how far you are. he whines to you about how he had to get up to find you, and he's cuddling close to you. his mouth turned into his signature X shape as he pouts at you, annoyed that you just had to be away from him for more than a minute.

he tries so hard to be around you but at the cost of his laziness, he mutters to you about how much easier it would be if you just stay with him all the time like his purple-haired companion or his cactus pet. he fell for you first, but he makes it so easy for you to fall harder.

"why do you always have to do stuff?" "it's my job, sei." "you should just stay with me all the time. you take care of me so well."

shidou ryuusei is annoyingly desperate for you. if isagi was endearing, shidou was insolent. he speaks before he thinks. he has no shame in chasing after you. it's quite a feat that you haven't even shooed him away as much as sae has. you sort of find a friend in sae because of that. he always rolls his eyes when you mention him. he wonders why you keep being around the blonde jock, and you tell him, "who doesn't love a pathetic man?"

when he talks to you, he just can't read a room with you in it. he's the type of guy to say "this shot is for you." and it hits the goal post and then to his face. of course he'd never actually miss in a real match but i can guarantee that it would happen during a practice match. he unintentionally humiliates himself every time he tries to be cool. if sae is there, it's even worse. he's trying to bump up the flirting up to a 200 and failing miserably to woo either of you.

he's like those tweets where it's like, "how did i pull them? easy. i just went, PLEASEPLEAPLSEPWPLEAPLELA-". without fail, he basically tries to re-enact that but he doesn't even pull you because you'd much rather wait for him to actually be a decent man and grow the rest of his brain. though it doesn't seem he'll learn his lesson anytime soon.

"did i ever tell you how hot you look right now?" "yes. you have. multiple times. today." "please go out with me." "no."

bachira meguru is confusing. he's clingy, blunt, teasing, a little stupid but has the spirit, and an absolute cutie. he's passionate about what he likes. and surprise, surprise, he likes you. he's an infodumper but you don't mind at all. but sometimes those talks take a hard left into just telling you how much he likes you. you better hope you're strong because he will be jumping on you for a hug.

when he's just buzzing with excitement, he can't help but scramble by your side to cling onto you in any way that you will allow him to. he's not as boy failure as the others on this list because even when he fails to capture your heart, he's still succeeding in his book. he loves when you give him any sliver of attention. that's probably his thing as a boy failure. he is a hyper and needy dog who's too big to cuddle with but doesn't care. and you can't say no because then they just stare at you with those big eyes until you cave.

he's the type of guy to be confused when people ask if you're dating him and you say no. "what do you mean we're not dating? i thought this was the dating." he's never actually confessed, but he considers his "s-tier affection" to be confession enough. but he's kind of coward whether he realizes it or not. he's scared to actually say that he wants to be yours, but that's like an angsty story for another time, SO SHUT.

"what if we kissed? like right now?" "but we're not dating, meguru." "we're not? we should." "i'll think about it." "no think! just do!"

[motziedapul]

Just a bit of better news than what you woke up with:

Progressive and left wing policy is relatively to overwhelmingly popular. Paid sick leave, raised minimum wage, abortion rights and gender identity protections, dark money out of elections, and protecting public funding for schools.

People came out to vote for what they believed in. They just didn't believe in Harris, but that doesn't mean they don't believe in a better world. There will be more elections where people can vote on policy and informed voters will make the correct decision every time because people will vote for things that are in their interests regardless of their party. You just got to keep people informed.

(If you're interested in supporting pro labour movements in the US, More Perfect Union is a great resource)

And the whole "XYZ will kill Democracy" thing? I lived in the Philippines. I know what it looks like to have a corrupt failure of a democracy, but we still got enormous, overwhelmingly powerful grassroots movements out of it. A 15 million strong progressive voter block that has since been functioning as an education and aid organization called Angat Buhay is still active years after the last stolen election. I've seen democracy die as a result of US imperialist interference, but people still keep doing the work anyway. People still survive. The world doesn't end because your politicians are useless or corrupt, I promise you that.

[generic-sonic-fan]

hhhhhhhhhhhhhtrhhhhhhth

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transfem metal sonic and supporting eggdad

Please

Eggman may not be the best person or the best dad but by god he's trying his best. Thank you for this excellent prompt!

1772 words.

---

"Father?" Sage spoke through his headphones.

Ivo took them off his ears and swiveled his chair around to find his lovely daughter hovering just off the ground.

"Sage!" He smiled. "I was just waiting for you. I noticed that you marked this time on my calendar- what is it that you wanted to discuss?"

"I did," she said. "I had some questions."

He waited, but when she didn't continue, he furrowed his brow. "Then spit them out. I can't answer if you don't specify!"

"Of course. I wish to ask questions about the purpose of Metal Sonic's operation."

This was even stranger still. He caught a number of criticisms rising in his throat, about wasting his time or defying his command to be more specific. He didn't say them. A few months ago, he would've. This was a strange development, and it was best if he didn't devote much thought to the matter.

"Why was Metal Sonic designed to resemble Sonic?"

"You can check my development logs, can't you?" Ivo replied.

"Your intention was to create an imposter of Sonic to frame Sonic for crimes against the populace that he did not commit." 

Sage pulled up a holographic window next to her, showing the exact words Ivo had written in his notes all those many years ago. With a flick of her hand, however, she pushed the logs aside and instead showed a montage of Metal Sonic's various missions. Most end in failure, but that isn’t relevant right now.

"However," Sage noted, "you have never utilized Metal Sonic in this intended manner. In fact, the last person used to frame Sonic for something he did not do was Shadow the Hedgehog."

"You're right." Ivo put his hand on his chin. "Where are you going with this?"

"I am here to suggest that the physical resemblance is unnecessary for Metal Sonic's function."

"Well, that's silly to propose after all this time. His name is 'Metal Sonic', after all!"

"Because that unit has not decided on another name." Sage said, quieter.

"Sage, dear, you know that I don't allow you to keep secrets from me, right?" He stood from his chair.

"Apologies. Allow me to 'cut to the chase'. Would you permit Metal Sonic to change appearance and potentially identity?"

Sage's animations stopped moving, freezing her face into artificial neutrality. It was a face stylized to not provoke any sort of strong emotion at all, almost a sort of mask she could don if she was worried her words might provoke a negative reaction.

The fact that she was using it on him was making something in his chest hurt that he wasn't used to feeling pain in. He didn't have any more scientific language to describe it.

"You're asking this on Metal's behalf, aren't you?" He stated his question as the fact it was. "While I appreciate your desire to protect those you consider family, he shouldn't be making you do this sort of thing. You've got much better things to do with your time- and he doesn't need protection from me." 

Sage's steely gaze did not shift. "I will call Metal Sonic inside." 

Only a few seconds later, the door to his workshop opened and Metal Sonic walked in. His gait was stiff- he always walked stiffly, but something about this felt stiffer than usual. Or perhaps that was simply Ivo's human imagination at play. 

Sage floated to the side to allow space between them. She then pulled up an empty text box. "I will translate." 

For at least thirty seconds, nothing appeared on the textbox. Ivo cleared his throat. Metal Sonic hadn't moved even a centimeter, perhaps not even a millimeter. Deathly still, just like Sage was. 

Finally, a cursor appeared in the textbox, and a line of text scrolled across. "This unit does not identify as male."

"Hmph. To be expected. You are a robot, after all. Makes sense that you don't have an experience of gender." Ivo replied. "Is that all?"

Metal Sonic flinched. 

Sage landed in front of him(?) and pantomimed putting her hands on his(?) shoulders, before turning to face Ivo again. 

"That is not quite what Metal Sonic intended." She said quickly. She then glanced over her shoulder to the text box, but nothing appeared on it.

"Hold on," Ivo knelt down, "I may have been too hasty with my assertion. Continue your thought.”

Neither hologram nor robot moved. Damn it all- Ivo was already terrible at reading nonverbal cues, and when his own kids could simply lock their joints in place or freeze their animations, it was all the more difficult. The only indication that either of them were still online was the steadily growing hum of Metal's cooling fans, which were designed to increase in RPM during combat scenarios. 

"You know I don't give a care in the world about what pronouns my creations choose for themselves, right?" Ivo tried his best to give a paternal smile. 

(He really should've practiced more in the mirror.)

"You don't?" Sage asked.

"Of course! Why would I?"

"You had previously stated that Metal Sonic's purpose was initially for imitatio-"

"Who gives a rip about that? I certainly don't. Not anymore. You yourself pointed out how that doesn't matter. Now move aside," he waved Sage out of the way of her brother(?). 

Sage did as he asked. But Metal Sonic still did not react. His(?) irises did not even flicker.

"C'mere." Ivo held out his arms.

Metal came a single step closer, still hovering outside of his reach. He almost opened his mouth again, almost raised his voice and demanded that Metal follow the implicit order to come receive the physical comfort he was trying to give to solve this mess of a situation, but he didn't. 

Ivo remembered that as a child he was forced to hug his relatives at various family functions, and that said hugs had felt like sandpaper prisons. Metal Sonic was different- he(?) wasn't organic, wasn't human, and wouldn't feel the sensation of his(?) skin crawling at the unwanted touch -but maybe he(?) experienced something similar that remained unvoiced. 

The thought was strange. But Ivo lowered his arms anyway. "Alright, or not. That's fine as well."

Metal clasped his(?) hands together, but the text screen remained empty.

"What pronouns would you like to be referred to?" Ivo asked. 

The cursor flickered. Letter by letter, an answer appeared. "She/her."

"Lovely!" Ivo clapped his hands together. He then looked at Sage. "Sage, it sounds like you have an update to make to the database. Leave Metal's development logs as they are, but correct the pronouns referring to her everywhere else." 

"Gladly." Sage smiled. 

At that, it was like Metal finally unthawed. He- no no no, she was a she, Ivo drilled into his thoughts, he was not going to bumble something as simple as this -She unlocked her joints, and her gaze wandered up to finally meet Ivo's gaze. 

"So, how would you like to modify your frame to better match your gender identity?" Ivo asked her. 

She glanced side to side, before upon the screen writing, "taking suggestions?"

"Yes?" Ivo raised an eyebrow. "I'm not a woman. I haven't got a clue what you might want. Suggest me ideas and I'll see what I can do."

"Will you accept blueprints?"

"I don't see why not! I review Sage's blueprint suggestions all the time." 

Metal walked to the computer. As Ivo turned to follow her, he saw a notification pop up on the screen. Opening it revealed in-depth plans for-

-a body that looked extremely similar to Neo Metal Sonic. 

Ivo cleared his throat to try and get more moisture into his mouth, which had suddenly gone dry. "Sage?"

"Yes, father?" Sage woke from her idle animation as she paused her update of the database.

"Do you see any. . . problems, with these designs?" He asked. 

Sage first turned to her sister. "You should have informed me that you were moving onto this stage." 

Metal's response to her did not appear on the text box. 

Sage flickered out of existence and reappeared to the left of the computer screen. "Father, know that I would not have allowed any of this if I thought Metal were to be a danger to you or the Empire." 

"Good. I expected as much." He replied, before looking back down to Metal. "Very well, if that’s what you want, I’ll get working on it." 

Sage brought Metal's textbox back alongside her just as Metal typed, "you will?"

"Did I stutter? Of course I will! It's a dashingly dreadful look and it matches with Sage's colors!" He replied. "Think of the fear it will instill in Sonic and his friends! Honestly, it's a terrifying design, it's a wonder I didn't come up with it myself. . ." 

"Thank you." Metal typed.

"Thank you, father." Ivo corrected with a smile. "I know I haven't always been good about that, but the past is in the past, right?"

"Affirmative, father." She repeated. 

"Good!" He clapped his hands together and grinned. "Now! Let's get to the workshop! I already know what synthetic material we should use for the skirt. Your design suggests kevlar, but you really should consider something less stiff and heavy to reduce drag!"

"Indeed," Sage added. "However, she is worried about the durability of the fabric-"

"What do you think my flight suit is made out of? We'll use the same fabric. Only the finest for my finest creations!"

Sage covered her mouth and giggled. Metal imitated the gesture, but surprised Ivo when her vocoder let out a series of high-pitched noises, a perfect little laugh. . . for a perfect little girl. 

"My girls." He said to himself. Although with the sensitivity of Metal's audial sensors and Sage's access to every high-performance camera on the Eggnet, that fact was debatable, so he said it louder. "My little girls." 

"My sister." Sage floated down to Metal's side. 

Metal brought her hands up to her muzzle and rocked side to side. Ivo swore that he could've seen Amy do a similar gesture, but that was irrelevant. It was a gesture of joy, a gesture that he didn't think Metal was even capable of before now. 

Just how long had she been hiding this for? Perhaps she was merely imitating Sage, but the deliberate inclusion of Amy’s data into her gestures made him hesitate to confirm that conclusion. And that thought threatened to bring up all sorts of feelings that he'd be much better off not thinking about. So, with a smile, he refocused on the task at hand. 

His eldest daughter needed a makeover, over all. 

[crossdreamers]

A guide to chromosomal variations

Over at Instagram Melly the Science Geek has published a mind blowing video about how chromosome decide (or do not the decide) the sex of a person.

The world is a a very complicated place, indeed.

And at this point we have not even begun to talk about gender identity.

The Science Vet on XX, XY and all the other variations

Melly's video reminds us of the very popular twitter thread made by the Science Vet back in 2018.

We take the liberty of republishing that thread here:

So. Hi new people! Apparently, we're gonna talk about sex. Like physical sex! Because... there's some confusion.

First, sex defined: We're talking physical sex here, not gender. Body parts, hormones, and genetics (and more).

BLUF: BIOLOGICAL sex is a spectrum

Ok, everyone's super familiar with the XX/XY dichotomy, right? Yeah, what we all learned in like... 4th grade? And that's great, it gives you a starting point. But it's... well it's only the very starting point.

The IDEA is, XX is girl, XY is boy, right?

Welllll... that's not totally right. There are XY people, who have ovaries! And give birth! AH! And XX people who have male bodies and functional sperm! Double AH!

These are usually written off as "abnormalities" and indeed, some cases have medical issues. But many don't (like the XY woman giving birth). And this is really only the very very tip of the iceberg of "wait, that doesn't fit into our M or F box unless we make it bigger"

There's a WHOLE HOST of things that can cause all sorts of "weird" things to happen, ranging from genetic (XXY, XYY, Y, X, XX with translocation, XY with deletion) to hormonal (Androgen Insensitivity, Estradiol failure), and disruptors like dioxins

So, you're a scientist, and you want to research stuff, right? Which means you have to categorize stuff. Without categories, data is hard! So you take allll these people, including the "weird" ones and you plot them on a graph. Logical!

You use all the differences there are, different genetics, different responses to hormones, different effectiveness in signalling pathways, different sizes in Aanteroventral periventricular nucleus (AVPV) (yeah that's a thing) and give everything numbers, add them up.

You get what's called a bimodal distribution (mostly, we'll get to that later) Which looks like this. Those two big peaks are what we call "male" and "female" (even conveniently colored pink for boys and blue for girls - we are using victorian gender colors right?)

/8

Now, when you're trying to look at data, we often group stuff. When we do that with a plot like this, it's called a "histogram." Basically we're breaking down a curved line into discrete "bins." Like this (image stolen from the web).

/9

Traditionally, we've used REALLY BIG bins for this when talking about sex. Basically you either group everything vaguely near a peak into the peak, or you just pretend there's nothing else but the biggest peaks. This makes it super easy, because 2 is simple to do data with.

However, as we've gotten to know more and more about signaling and brains and hormones and started to pay more attention to the outliers where standard stuff just didn't seem to work, we discovered that this isn't a great model to use.

Now I'm not talking feelings here. I'm talking about data. As you start to look at anything interesting, like say the effects of 2,3,7,8-Tetrachlorodibenzo-P-dioxin on animals, you start to realize that a 2 bin model doesn't predict your results well.

At first you say, "Well it was just weird." So you redo it, and it still doesn't work. So you look at your model and you say, "Well ok, what if the model's wrong?"

But the model sort of... almost predicts a lot of things, and it worked for years, so...

Some enterprising soul says, "Hey, remember that histogram where we said we'll just model using the peaks?" And everyone goes, "Uh, yeah?" And they say, "What if we... USED that data?" And everyone groans, because complicated data is hard.

But someone sits down and does the work, and lo, wow the model starts to work again. Where TCDD was "randomly" turning some boys into girls but then some girls into boys, now you can see there's a subgroup of what you'd called "female" that responds like the "male"

What's important here is that you haven't MISLABELED males as females. These are functional "females" who can do all the usual "female" things like gestate babies. But they respond to this one endocrine disruptor in a "male" way.

So you add another two categories, call them "Male2" and "Female2" and go on, happy that your model works! You've got 4 sexes now, but you don't really have to tell anyone that, right?

Exceeeept then you remember you've got those XY people that gestate babies. So you add "Intersex1" And then the XX people with penes... and ovaries? Ok, "Intersex2" because all these groups respond differently with signalling and brains when you get into the weeds

And the more you look, the more we LEARN, the more we're able to separate out those fine differences. Depending on what we're doing, we may not care. If a doc is giving you aspirin, it probably isn't a big deal.

But if they're using a steroid on you? Or treating dioxin poisoning? THAT SHIT COULD BE IMPORTANT. It's like saying, "the light's off so the power must not be flowing." It really matters if the light's off because the bulb blew.

If we go back to that histogram plot, we can keep breaking down your biological sex into smaller and smaller differences in brain areas, hormone levels, signalling differences, genetic variances. There's nothing stopping us from binning EVERY INDIVIDUAL into their own bin.

Technically, this wouldn't be "infinite sexes" but 7.4 billion sexes is functionally close for our brains. Now, our medicine isn't advanced enough for THAT level of detail to make any difference. BUT IT MIGHT BE in the future. Individualized medicine!

The thing to remember is that this isn't "new." We're not 'inventing sexes' here. Sex has ALWAYS been this curve. We were just using REALLY BIG bins. And now we're realizing that that's not representative of biology, it's inhibiting understanding of medicine and biology

In case anyone's curious, this isn't ideology. This is because I had to figure out why my data didn't match the prediction. Those rats I mentioned? Yeah, my lab. And lab rats are a really pure genetic monoculture, and they STILL don't fit the two peak model well.

So, since it's come up, an addendum!

Yes, we looked at other things we could do to make our data fit the existing model, that's how science works! The ONLY way the data fit was if we let "sex" be more than just those two narrow peaks.

Models purpose in science is to predict. If they don't predict correctly, first we check if we've measured the data correctly, and repeat the experiment a couple more times. If it still doesn't fit, we have to look at the model.

Intersex! Because I didn't specifically mention this.

"Intersex" is a grouping bin used for a lot of the "middle ground" of the spectrum between the "male" and "female" peaks. Any situation where easily assigning the person to one of those two peaks is challenging.

Intersex! Because I didn't specifically mention this above.

"Intersex" is a term used to collectively speak of the "middle ground" of biology where people can't easily be binned into those two big "male" and "female" peaks. It can include a large range of biology

It is worth noting that I never talk about transgender in this thread. Intersex is not the same as transgender. You can be one without the other, or be both.

For people who think this is just "outliers"

Current estimates are that the intersex population is at least 2%. We know that's low because there are a lot of "invisibly intersex" people. That means AT LEAST 150 million people in the world.

I apologize for the failure to use the word "intersex" higher up in the discussion. Many people in the middle ground (including the XY person who can carry a child, for example) use this term. I cannot go back and edit the thread, and apologize for my overly clinical description. 

Part of the purpose of the thread, which may have failed, was to point out that "intersex" is not a condition, it is not a disease. It's natural with a bimodal distribution. Science not only supports this, it suggests that ignoring intersex people makes your conclusions wrong 

References at the end of this page.

[maxdibert]

How do you think Severus would relate to a child of his own, if he had one? What kind of father do you think he would be?

There are so many possible answers to this question because it would really depend on the context in which Snape became a father (before or after the War), his child’s personality, and, of course, what his partner would be like. But, let’s assume we’re talking about a post-War Snape in an AU, because honestly, I can’t imagine canon Severus being a father in any way—it would literally be suicidal. Having a child would not only endanger his mission as a spy but also give his enemies perfect leverage to use against him. And he’s already suffered too much in life to throw in that level of angst. So, starting from a scenario where there’s no war and Severus can focus on being both calm and depressed (because he’d still be depressed, especially if he no longer has a clear purpose keeping him going), I don’t think the idea of fatherhood would really thrill him at first. It’s not like he’s someone who’s ever thought of having children, or at least he ruled out the possibility long ago. If he had a partner who wanted kids, I think he’d agree, but with a terrifying sense of dread about fatherhood because 1) his parental role models are terrible, and he never had a functional upbringing, and 2) he’s never really liked kids. It probably wouldn’t occur to him that maybe the issue is that he doesn’t like other people’s kids, but his own would be different. That’s why I think his partner would be a fundamental factor in this—supporting him throughout the process and keeping him grounded about his own traumas.

That said, I imagine him as a strict but supportive father, one who sets rules and commands respect but without using violence or verbal attacks on his children. He’d especially try to spare them the awful childhood he endured with his own father. But I still see him as the kind of dad who has rules and expects them to be followed, the classic type who cares a lot about grades and school behavior (he was a teacher for 18 years, after all). He’d probably see certain grades as failures if they didn’t meet expectations. He’d likely be a bit awkward with affection, although he’d find his own ways to make his children feel loved, valued, and accepted. He’d be a present father but would struggle to be fully emotionally open, though he’d likely improve this over time and with effort.

I also see him preferring to have daughters, or at least finding it much easier to bond with a daughter. I’ve always thought that it’s simpler for Severus to relate to women (Lily was his first friend, and the other person he spent time with as a child was Petunia, also a girl. As much as he picked on Hermione, he wasn’t as harsh with her as he was with Harry, Neville, or Ron. He seemed to have a fairly close relationship with Narcissa, etc.). Basically, most of the men in his life have been abusers (his father, the Marauders, Dumbledore manipulating and blackmailing him, Voldemort...), so he’s more at ease, or maybe just more himself, when he’s around women. I can see him thinking that he might not fully understand “girl stuff,” but that it’s better than having a son who’s into Quidditch and facing the prospect of not knowing how to deal with a boy who represents all the typical “boy” interests and behaviors that Severus doesn’t really embody. He’d probably have some anxiety over this—something common among men who don’t fit into stereotypical norms associated with their own gender.

Still, whether he had a son or a daughter, he’d try to provide them with a functional and stable home, where there’s affection and respect, allowing them to grow up with the security he never had. I don’t see him as an “easy” father because he has too much baggage, but he’d be aware of that baggage and try to address it when he realizes he’s messed up. He wouldn’t do that for others, but he’d do it for his children.

[kickingitwithkirk]

Winchester's Folly

Summary: When Dean gets into trouble John decides to hide the truth for his family

Word Count: 888

*Dark! Fic-don't continue if you are disturbed by the subject matter

Warnings: A/B/O, non/con elements , dub/con elements, enslavement, pandemic, non/con drug use, collaring/leashing, forced mating, forced breeding, BDSM elements, show-level violence

*Additional warnings to be added

*Square filled: @spnabobingo - Alpha Challenging Alpha

A/N: * UPDATED 3/24

A/N II: Still working on reigning myself in, keeping each part reader-friendly length, and have no clue how many parts this will end up being.

A/N III: a few notes about designations in A/O sub-genders for this story.

Alphas-Dominant (head of the pack/family) Subordinate (obey Dominant) Breeders (rare & highly coveted by the government. Can challenge Dominant for pack/family leadership)

Omegas -Domestic (mostly wiped out by plague, few natural born left) Feral (government-supplied breeders sold commonly called O's) House O’s (3rd generation+ Feral/Dominant breed. Used as servants/sex workers) Pack (rare & highly coveted by the government)

*Divider by @firefly-graphics

*No Beta-all mistakes are mine

GIF by antiquerss

Part II

“Dean's preference of type doesn’t matter, but I want one under eighteen.” 

Sam’s head snapped up in shock. That wasn’t the plan; John was specific that O should be older than Dean and preowned, making them cheaper to repurchase. “Dad, why are you wanting…?” John cut him off with a low growl, provoking Sam’s inner wolf to reciprocate, neither noticing Helms studying their interaction with interest.

Alpha Winchester can’t wholly control this beauty like the other one. The boss will be pleased to learn about these developments. 

“A House O would normally do on paper,” Helms interrupts, “But I know this judge, they will not be satisfied with that alone.”  Both Winchesters have matching, confused expressions, and he continues before John can ask what that means.

 “The judge will require that I follow the statutes in Hibbins and your pack's unusual dynamics: three virile, unmated Alphas with no permanent abode, residing whatever. House O’s have a breed down to need stability, so a Pack Omega would be ideal even if they're as scarce as Phoenix and need the right connections, but there's your social standing.” That remark made Sam snort. It wasn’t the first time someone had mentioned their social standing, not so slyly code for a dirt-poor pack. 

“I have a few in the preferred age range we could negotiate over, but I suspect you won’t allow your Subordinate to breed them. The judge probably will consider that a deal breaker. The best option is an altered pre-owned Feral. And fortunate for you, I’ve recently acquired a selection from a fire sale. This way, gentlemen.” 

Dean's wolf whines, watching his pack move farther into the building. At the same time, he can only stand there, as ordered, and observe these unfortunate creatures bartered over as the livestock society considers them. His Alpha knew it would eat at his ingrained, perpetual guilt and is part of the repentance he has to endure because, once vexed, John Winchester never forgave or forgot.

Sam's inner wolf was getting more unquiet the longer they were in this den of iniquity. He knew the only reason John wanted him near was an additional jab at Dean to emphasize his failures. Fuck, he hated their Alpha using Dean's guilt against himself whenever displeased. Sam couldn’t see Dean from where they were, getting pissed that John was now only focusing on a couple of O’s that’d caught his interest.

Sam instinctually knew she was all wrong and, without realizing it, started vocalizing his displeasure. “What’s your problem now?” John barked at him. “They’re undoubtedly your type, sir,” Sam replied with his usual bluntness that made John's jaw clench, grudgingly reflecting on his youngest observation.

As the Dominant Alpha of his pack, John ultimately decided how they functioned, including mating. He cringed internally, remembering the drinking confession inadvertently made to Sam shortly after he presented.

It was a typical night when John was around.

Sam was sitting at the kitchen table finishing up some calculus homework. At the same time, John, sprawled on a couch, hovering between drunk and passed-out drunk, started talking about his mother.

Mary used to say three-year-old Dean was a handful, and now about to whelp again; it was too much for an Alpha herself to handle not having the instincts. She insisted John procure a House O to wet nurse the new pup because after extending the nursing of Dean, she wasn’t willing to do that again. John told her they couldn’t afford one, and Mary retorted if they had one, they could hatefuck their anger out on the O instead of John leaving. 

Sams revolted learning that the mother he never knew, one his brother practically worshiped, had wanted to purchase a House O to raise her litter and use them as a fuckslave to keep her mate happy and at home. When John started drunkenly lauding the pleasurable attributes of an Omegas natural slick pussy versus female Alphas, Sam grabbed Dean's CD player, pumped up the volume, and pretended to be working until John eventually passed out.

Shoving the books into his backpack, Sam retreated to their shared bedroom and retrieved the cobbled-together black-market laptop Dean secretly got him. Firing it up, he began researching the history of Omegas, the Hibbins Procurement Act, eventually going down the rabbit hole, finding blogs about how the effort to repopulate Omegas became perverted over the decades and obscure provisions secretly added during extension reviews that the government schools omitted felt his meager dinner about to reappear and bolted for the toilet.

Dean came rolling later, finding the laptop open on the bed, and immediately started worrying. His brother never left it out when their dad was around, followed the scent of sickness to find Sam lying on the bath floor, looking like he’d picked up an illness. Dean cleans him up, then tucks Sam into bed, diligently watching over him the rest of the night.

Surveying the area for hidden trouble, Sam catches an irresistible scent. His inner wolf hurls itself frantically against its cage of skin and bone, growling home home home in his mind. Flicking an eye towards his Alpha, whom Helms had distracted by another O. Without a second thought, Sam follows the wolf’s instincts, slowly backs towards the door left ajar, and slips through unnoticed.

Part III

SPN TAGS: @donnaintx @lyarr24  @flamencodiva    @lassie-bird @nancymcl   @spnbaby-67   @leigh70

Sam/Jared: @idreamofplaid

Dean/Jensen: @thoughts-and-funnies @stoneyggirl2 @beabutterfly987 @smoothdogsgirl

WF: @slamminmine @ladysparkles78 @deans-spinster-witch @ilovetaquitosmmmm

[overflowchute]

gender stuff

so basically the main point of contention i have regarding hormones is that i think it could be cool to have boobs and be cute. but it's kinda a 100% or nothing thing like you either go for them or you don't and you kinda have to give up some stuff to get there... and like i kinda struggle with the idea that how i look right now might actually be totally fine and even attractive to people who have different tastes than me. i literally can't really tell because i just don't have taste for the style of person i am but i have a sneaking suspicion i'm not really ugly if i try and work on my appearance.

so i guess it's kind of tied up in a lot of things? like, i think i could definitely go all in on e if i really wanted. but all i really want at the end of the day is to feel cute and like someone likes me, and i think that the state of mind i'm in is such that i can want to make really knee-jerk decisions out of desperation to become someone else, to be seen as someone else - when it's just a theory i have that that'll solve it.

like, it feels to me like the core of all my suffering is that i don't have many friends or connections in real life. and i don't have the right social skills to work on that, i never learned how to use dating sites and everyone's takes on them are mid, i don't know the first thing about "looking nice", i don't have any motivation. and it's very hard for me to develop anything like this on my own

and like it's embarrassing to say but in a world where i'm scared of being a target and the government here is actively going out of its way to get at people like me and i am afraid of alienating everyone i know irl or maybe even losing my job or something, while i'm already struggling with basically everything else - it's kind of a trade-off, right? like, will i get something out of going all in? the changes will make me not as attractive to people who are into my current style and there's no guarantee i'll be attractive to people who aren't, and it seems to me like so much of changed behavior and connection just goes back to... well, literally changing what you do and how you look?

basically tl;dr it feels like if i commit i am risking a great deal of negative result for a theoretical positive result that i don't feel truly hugely dedicated to, and i almost feel like it's more motivated by what people i happen to know like more than what i want... like it extends from holes in self-esteem and failures of my social lineup that i will need to patch anyway if i want to be a functional adult in not-hell

TMI

also to be honest finasteride already makes my dick work fundamentally differently in a way that's kind of fucked with my ability to manage time and my experiences with hormones so far is that they make my dick function even less and the thing is i actually don't really find that very fun. so that's really part of it too. i don't really like saying that though

[speculativeartisan]

A Chapter by Chapter analysis of Amgydala by Sam Fennah

Preamble: My favorite kinds of novel tend to be ones the author has written entirely for their own gratification. Without worrying about what might be "marketable" or "relatable" to an audience. These books are not always good, sometimes they are infuriating, but they are never boring. I disagree vehemently with the politics of Dean Koontz but I am fascinated by his material. Anne Bishop's 'The Others' series frustrates me in deep and complicated ways, but I don't regret having read them. And in the same vein I adore The Black Jewels trilogy for doing exactly what it set out to do.

Amygdala, the first book in what is to be an eight book series, is exactly this. Written by Sam Fennah, it explores a world of his own creation, full of creatures of his own creation, and aims to tell a sprawling story about the birth and struggles of a newly formed society. His stated aim is to use this exaggerated parody of civilization as a lens through which to examine ideologies of all stripes. I am keenly interested to know if he succeeds at this. I am reading from the Second Edition of the book, which contains a few scenes not present in the first, and some editing for brevity.

Disclaimer: This is not a takedown, sporking, or otherwise derogatory look at Fennah's work. Likewise I'm not here to kinkshame about the decapitation stuff. Let he who is without a weird fetish cast the first stone, and that is emphatically not me. I intend to engage with this book in good faith, if you are interested in that then we will begin with chapter one below the cut.

Chapter One

We begin with an overview of where we are and what we're dealing with. The narrator introduces us to the Kivouack, a pre-big bang mass of chaos that operates under different laws of physics, chemistry, and geometry than the world we're accustomed to. The landscape is wild, eldritch, and the animals that live here are as strange as the place that birthed them. Kivouachians, or Kivva for short, have no real shared body plan save for three navels, cross shaped pupils, and their method of reproduction. Outside of that the sky is the limit as far as appearance, environment, diet, and gender go. Sex is binary, but vestigial, which is to say all Kivva are capable of siring and bearing young and secondary sex characteristics are cosmetic. A bit of a handwave on the part of the author to explain why gendered pronouns, or even gender itself, exists in this society. I too understand the pain of trying to invent a neo-pronoun for your race of functional hermaphrodites that doesn't sound jarring or silly, so I'm willing to accept it. And honestly breasts as a vestigial organ is a very funny concept to me. Like being born with or without that tendon in your wrist that lets you throw things a little farther, but for tits. They are also immortal; like lobsters they don't die of old age and will keep on trucking until they are either killed or rendered incapable of sustaining themselves.

The explanation of all that comes a little later on though, for now we get a brief history lesson. In the beginning there was Freyda, a very large and volatile kiv who basically rampaged her way across the landscape eating and fucking whoever and whatever she wanted while all her smaller brethren mostly just tried to keep the hell out of her way. Eventually she spawns Locket, who looks at this mess and decides she wants something better. Locket organizes an army, takes down Freyda, and when the dust settles she establishes the Underbirth, the first real city the Kivouack has ever seen.

What this historical overview wants to impress on the reader are two things. One, that Locket's society is driven by the idolization of competence and a fear of failure. Sink or swim culture taken to a logical extreme. In order to discourage complacency, death is touted as the ultimate failure and the bodies of those failures are done up in elaborate poses called 'bows' meant to humiliate the victim. If you fail in the underbirth not only will you die, but other kivs will bend your corpse over backwards and use it as an armchair in order to further add insult to injury. Life in the underbirth is all about that #grindset and falling behind means you could be someone's dinner or decoration depending. I should also note here that Kivouachians are the only species of animal around and thus the only available source of meat, though it is not specified in this chapter if kivs require animal protein in their diet or if it's just a preference. Largely they appear to be omnivorous.

Two, a premium is placed on physical fitness. Disability and sickness aren't unheard of, but they are uncommon and medicine as it exists in our society hasn't really taken off. See the previous paragraph about no other sources of meat being available outside of other Kivs. Why heal the sick when you can eat them? That's much more economic. Jonathan Swift would do numbers here though the satire would probably be lost. I am of course being moderately facetious, this is obviously where the 'exaggerated parody' bit of the setting comes into play. You spend your whole life working until you can't and then you die. The ways in which society can kill you have just been made more direct, and the need for blood to grease the wheels has been made social text rather than social subtext.

After our introduction to the setting we are introduced to one of what will be a fairly sprawling ensemble cast. Lucy Lacemaker is something like our protagonist, at the very least she's the one who's going to get the ball rolling on a whole mess of circumstances. And as far as introductions go I think this is a good one. Lucy is a fowler, a juvenile kiv yet to fully mature. Fowlers don't really have rights until they reach adulthood, and so spend their adolescence trying not to get eaten by adult kivs. They're small and nimble and generally get by stealing food where they can get it and figuring out what sort of trade they'll want to get into once they hit adulthood so they can get a head start on learning it. Lucy is small, inquisitive, reckless, and deeply curious about the world she inhabits and the people that inhabit it with her. She's fascinated with body language and learning to read it, a hobby that is one part survival mechanism and one part sincere interest in the lives of others.

This is also the part of the chapter where we get a more detailed explanation of how these critters reproduce. So when a kiv is beheaded they enter a state called rottulation. They aren't dead, they're basically unconscious, and the head can be reattached at any point after provided the brain isn't damaged in some way. However if two other kivs… look there's no way to put this delicately, if they cum on the body it gets absorbed into the skin and the body becomes a 'vessel' for a litter of fowlers. Who will then proceed to eat their way out of the host Aliens style and then scamper off before something else can come along and eat them. Notably the vessel does not contribute anything genetically to the offspring, it's just there to incubate them until they're ready to come out. So in addition to only having each other to eat, reproduction means killing at least one person.

This is probably the setting detail Fennah gets the most shit for and… well yeah it's kind of a uncomfortable and graphic thing to center your OCs around, but again as someone with several physically impossible kinks of my own I'm not going to throw shade here. Plus if you want to make your alien and inhuman cast feel alien and inhuman, well yeah mission accomplished. That does it. Everything we learn about this society just further underscores the violence inherent to the nature of these animals. It's a point Fennah wants to make sure you get. This comes naturally to them, so much so that they barely stop to question it. It's just what they are. They aren't without empathy or compassion, they are social animals, but in the sense that a band of 10 or 20 chimpanzees will socialize with each other and then go out and absolutely fuck up another band of chimps without reservation.

We set this backdrop not to be oppressive, but to highlight the small moments of tenderness experienced or offered by the cast. For example: Lucy is lucky. She's got a mentor. Sally Sefton, who owns what is essentially a fucking huge general store, went against her own instincts when she found Lucy rummaging through her things. And instead of eating her decided to take her on as something like an apprentice. She cares for Lucy, and Lucy for her, and it is thanks to this that Lucy had the opportunity to study and learn in a place of relative safety, helping out around the book burrow in exchange for lodging and the occasional meal. The underbirth is a cashless society. Apparently they tried currency once and it went so badly they decided they weren't doing that again. Instead everything is done by barter. Goods for goods and services for services, underpinned by what appears to be a complex social credit system where a person's reputation is nearly as valuable as their skill set when it comes to finding work.

Lucy meanwhile has been stalking an ex-friend, trying to grant herself some closure for the way things have turned out between them. You see Goldune was another fowler, until he hit kivic puberty and became a legal adult (kivs don't age gradually like humans, rather they undergo a sort of metamorphosis after an indeterminate amount of time and get one massive growth spurt, settling into an adult form). Once 'safety in numbers' became less of an issue for him he immediately ditched his old crew and got a job. Lucy, hurt by this betrayal and wondering what he's gotten up to, follows him around the city for a bit where we see him try unsuccessfully try to peddle a mysterious substance to several vendors who all tell him they don't want any part of his bullshit. Lucy for her part has two objectives here. She wants to know what's in those bottles, and she wants a chance to confront Goldune for abandoning her. And maybe wave the letter of recommendation she just got from Sally in his face a little, show him that she doesn't need him and she definitely doesn't care that he left. He didn't dump her, she's dumping him! While observing him waiting for this chance, she overhears a number of suspect conversations that imply Goldune has gotten himself mixed up with some shady business. A few important names are dropped, but otherwise this tailing sequence is a way to explain a little more of the city and how it works, as he stops at several locations trying to find someone who's willing to sign a contract with his employer.

Of course the confrontation ultimately goes sideways once it happens. Goldune laughs in her face, tells her he never really liked her, and that whatever 'friendship' they shared was completely mercenary on his part. A means to an end. Once he made it to where he needed to be he dropped her like a hot potato and because she's so good at reading faces she knows he's not lying. She loses her cool, picks up the little glass bottles (a substance we learn is called Mire) and starts chucking them at him in a bit of a tantrum. They start breaking on impact, which is unfortunate because whatever this stuff is supposed to do, it is extremely volatile. The dollhouse they're in, this setting's amalgam of brothel/playhouse/music hall/dance company, goes up in flames and both Goldune and Lucy are caught in the blaze. Lucy makes for the window before noticing that Butika, the dollie Goldune had hired earlier, is still unconscious on the floor with her head off and unable to move. After a brief hesitation she goes back, puts her head back on, and yells at her to move before making her own escape.

At the end of all this Lucy is left bereft. Goldune is dead, and while she was furious with him this wasn't actually the outcome she wanted. Her letter of recommendation has gone up in smoke, and she can't go back to sally and admit that she was so stupid and careless. And without that letter potential employers won't know her name from mud when she's old enough to work legitimately. Honestly as far as inciting incidents go this is a very solid start. We're presented with a clear conflict that has clear and direct consequences, and an opening intrigue. Lucy is thrust into a disadvantageous position of her own making, and now must figure out how she's going to survive going forward. It's also a very, well, human conflict. At several points other kivs tell Lucy she doesn't need to confront Goldune about anything. He made his intentions perfectly clear when he left. All she needs to do is accept this and let it go. But she can't, she can't accept that she was so disposable, she needs to hear it from him before she can really believe it. She's young and impulsive, and this feels realistically like the kind of mistake a young and impulsive person would make.

There is also an overarching theme to this novel which can be summed up by Sally's advice to Lucy:

As much as this chapter is focused on establishing the particulars and peculiarities of the setting, it is also the thesis statement for the rest of the novel. "It's just a little thing" will become an arc phrase, to signal when something will be the first in a line of dominoes leading to something more spectacular. Lucy herself is referred to often as a little thing, and we get a swift and flashy example of how her involvement escalates as situation with the fire at the dollhouse, which will follow her throughout the rest of the book.

While the writing trends towards overly poetic and bombastic in places it's ultimately very readable. I do think it plays better as an audiobook. Fennah knows how he wants the material to sound and that comes across in his narration. When listening to the chapter the dialogue sounds fairly natural. When reading it tends to come off as kind of stilted. The usual issues with a self published work are also present, grammar and punctuation errors, formatting issues, nothing egregious but the sort of inevitable little mistakes that slip through when you're trying to get an 800+ page behemoth out the door without the oversight of a dedicated editor. Still so far I'm having a good time with this. Writing any novel is something most aspiring authors struggle to make happen. Writing eight hundred pages of novel with seven more on the way borders on madness. One must be impressed by the sheer ambition of it all if nothing else.

[doberbutts]

Jfc the transmasc vs transfem privelege disk horse is just like... so divorced from reality.

Let me break it down for the folks coming at you wanting to play oppression olympics: In situations where *everyone is respectful of trans people and affirming* on a macro scale trans men hold power over trans women. On a micro scale the power people hold over each other varies wildly due to the fact that a) there is no monoculture and b) intersectionality exists. This is also true of gender politics for cis people. Individual women can have power and privilege over individual men. The broad sociological statements of men having privilege over women - all men, cis and trans - were *always* meant to be interpreted in a macro (and often theoretical) context. This privilege can absolutely manifest on a micro level but it is far more complicated because intersectionality fundamentally alters the state if the status being observed. E.g. Black manhood is fundamentally different from white manhood in a way where the blackness or whiteness cannot be separately from gender. Effectively, 'black man' is a different gender from 'white man'.

When it comes to being trans the bulk of society views us as *gender failures* regardless of our asab. Our (perceived) asab determines *how* society at a macro scale treats us as gender failures. We are simultaneously viewed as failing the gender assigned to us at birth, and the one we adopted - but the way in which we are perceived to be failing depends on if we are talking about agab or our actual genders. That is: we are viewed as failures of our "real" genders (agab) by failing to enact them, and failures of our trans genders by failing to be cis. The primary failure that most cis people are concerned with is the failure of our agab.

Thus trans women do not gain male privilege (since they are viewed as failing at manhood), but trans men can be subjected to misogyny (since they are viewed as failing at womanhood). Because of the way cis manhood and cis womanhood are regulated trans women are viewed as "irredeemable" (they have tainted themselves with womanhood and thus may not return to manhood), but trans men are viewed as "redeemable" provided they have not gained enough masculine features to one day return as a sex/reproductive object (that is, a feminine cis woman).

Tl;dr: being trans alters your gender irrevocably. Trans men are men but they are not *cis* men and to assume the functions of male privelege work the same for trans men as they do cis men is frankly divorced from reality. The reality is our cissexist, misogynistic society taken at a macro scale is interested in teans people inasmuch as we can be sex objects, and in the case of afab teans people, reproductive objects. If we cannot provide an adequate level of 'use' (existing as a sex object for trans women, availability to detransition into a sex/reproductive object for trans men) then they want to kill us allllll lmaaaoo.

P.s. it is widely accepted that applying privilege as a sociological/gender theory concept is insanely complicated and requires a lot of thought, care, and an eye toward intersectionality. These concepts were created primarily to be applied at a macro level - largely to instigate data driven policy and social change.

Source: listening to PoC and having a master's degree in sociology. I worked primarily in microsociology doing theory and ethnography in sociology of play. The gender stuff I've gone over here is either a) pretty grad student 101 type stuff, or me fitting the widely accepted facts about trans people (e.g. large chunks of the population want to kill us) into that framework.

For the record I am white, nonbinary (sorta bigendered - bothneither) and consider myself currently transmasc.

P.p.s. I've been following Jaz for years and years. Anyone who thinks he is transmisogynistic based on a rigid and narrow application of theory well divorced from its source... well if you think that, you're high lol.

Apologies for misspellings and typos - wrote this shit on my phone and I am Old.

Mystery anon DM me I wanna hug you so bad I think everyone needs to read this and then read it again

Also wanted to add: trans men, trans women, and nonbinary people are not all direct opposites of each other!!! We share more than we don't!!! Saying "trans people in this direction experience X" does not mean that any other trans person inherently does not!!! Many times we do all experience the same fucking shit and the biggest difference is how it looks from the outside rather than whether or not it actually fucking happens!!! "Trans men are subjected to misogyny unless they are perfectly stealth and passing, and honestly sometimes even then" does not mean "so other trans people aren't"!!! It was a complete sentence from the start and other folks just tacked on the extra words!!!

[brighttears]

You Keep Going for Family

Joel Miller x reader

No physical description, no use of y/n, gender neutral

Summary: You talk to Joel after Salt Lake City.

Warnings: Mentions of violence, angst

Word count: 767

A/n: Rewatching e9, squealing, kicking my feet, twirling my hair watching Joel murder over a dozen people … also this is really short I tried to add more but today is just not my day

—

“How many people did you kill?”

His voice was quiet, his tone low. “I don’t know.”

“Too many to count?”

He raised his head only a little to look at you, saying nothing. 

“That doesn’t surprise me Joel.”

Joel turned his eyes back to the ground. He couldn't look at you. His chest ached because he knew you were going to leave him now, now that you know what he is—a killer, a failure and a killer. He had failed at protecting both her and you, and then he killed more people than he could fucking count to try to make up for it.

“You did what needed to be done.”

At this, he looked up at you.

“I’m just sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry I failed her. And you.”

Joel sprang to his feet and to you, gently holding your biceps, “No, no. You didn’t. You didn’t fail her. Or me.” he shook his head vigorously, angling his head down to catch your gaze, “I was the one–”

“I was the second one, though. And I was useless. I didn’t, I couldn't do anything. I tried, I fought them, but I’m not strong like you are. While you were saving her I was crying on the highway. You found her, you got her and—fuck, Joel, you killed everyone who stood in your way.” Your brow was knit and your voice started to shake, “You did whatever you had to do and I… I didn’t do anything. I didn’t do a goddamn thing.”

“You got us there. I wouldn't be here without you and neither would she.”

You scoffed, “Come on, Joel. You don’t need me to protect her. If I died it wouldn’t have even matter—”

“You’re wrong.” he spoke over you, “Look at me. I couldn't have done any of this without you. You are my strength.” Joel took your hand and pressed it over his thumping heart, “You feel that? That’s all you. That’s all you.” 

You took your hand away. “Joel, I’m nothing more than another mouth to feed. I’m not capable. I’m weak.” Looking into your eyes as you spoke, Joel saw a reflection of himself and it shook him to his core. He never expected to hear you speak about yourself the way he thought about himself and it made him want to cry. “Maybe I used to be stronger, but with you, with her, I can’t function like I used to. At some point along the way something happened to me—when I see you or her in danger, when it comes down to it, when it really matters, I freeze. My entire body freezes, I feel my blood freeze,” you ran your hands through your hair as you ranted, “I’m nothing, Joel, I’m weak, you’re the one that protects her. The best thing I could be is a human shield, but the bullet would shoot right through me. Remember that? I’m useless, all I do is weigh you down, Joel, I’m just another fucking mouth to f—”

“Stop,” he shouted, grabbing you by the shoulders, “Not a goddamn word of that is true. Not a goddamn word. I don’t know where the hell you’re gettin’ all this from, you bein’ nothin’, no more than a human shield, but don’t you ever say any of that again.” he looked into your eyes intently, “Listen to me, I’m not fuckin’ lyin’. I need you. All I know is how to shoot a gun—”

“That’s not true,”

Joel shook you once, hard, “Listen to me. Back at the hospital? I don’t know where the fuck that came from. I’ve never tried that fuckin’ hard to keep someone alive. This whole fuckin’ time, with you and her, I haven’t given that much of a damn about anyone since—” he paused. “I didn’t even know I still had this kinda love in me. N’ you’re right, I killed everybody in my way. I didn’t hesitate once. Marlene told me that they’d already dumped you on the highway. You know what was on my mind that whole time? Getting her to you. I got it all back, everythin’ that I’d lost, that I never thought I would get back again. And I couldn't let them take it away. I couldn't let that happen.” He took his other hand to raise yours up and then placed his palm against yours. “This, would be nothing,” He pressed down on your hand on his chest and you felt his heart thumping underneath it, “without this. This is you. This is what you are. This is what you do.”

[papirouge]

Not here to debate with you about the ethics of abortion, but I don't think having a phobia of pregnancy is a moral failure. It's extremely harsh on your body and many women do suffer complications in childbirth. I don't know what pro lifers want people with pregnancy phobias to do. Like, do you guys want to forcibly impregnate them anyway to fulfill their WoManLy DuTiEs? Good luck making that work.

Besides, people who don't want kids shouldn't breed anyway.

There's a difference between a phobia and being straight up delusional and offensive.

To give you an example ; it's like people who have a phobia of sharks and say "their teeth are scary, I don't like their shape, their eyes, their wide mouth, etc" OK ✅

And those who are like : "sharks are disgusting creatures from hell and should all be killed" That's not ok, delusional and lowkey psychopathic.

Sorry but as a woman, i'm not going to let crazy self hating women mock and attack my biology out of their mental illness. That's not a phobia when you feel entitled to diss other humans being entire biology, with whom they were naturally born with. They're litterally calling innocent babies "sreeching gremlin" I DARE YOU to say that's not some sign of sociopathy.

And it wouldn't be so much annoying it it didn't came from the same crowd of so called "feminists" who pretend fighting for women to "love themselves in their natural state". Gurl, shut up, you HATE yourself and what your body can do. You'd rather mutilate yourself (while mocking TRA doing so to change gender) than life with a functioning reproductive system so much you're scare of getting pregnant. That's CRAZY and thats how bad as women removing their breast or moids cutting their peepees. I want people to start respecting their GOD GIVEN body for once and stop mutilating themselves over narcissism, fear, or "phobia".

At least redpiller moids have more legitimacy to mock women bodily functions because they don't have none, so they're not marking against their own side. It's crazy how on so many level redpiller moids are way more strategic, clever and cohesive in their train of thoughts compared to radfem. They hate women, and admit to only like *that part* for sex - but you'll NEVER.EVER hear them make fun of male biology like feminists do. Because they are way more protective of their gender rep than feminists are. Let that sink in.

And please, you guys need to stop with that borderline cumbrain creepy obsession with imagining people being out on the hunt to force preg women.... Beside rapists, NOBODY is forcing you to get pregnant. We are nobodies from the internet saying shit. The Handmaid's Tale is a BOOK. (I always found very ironic how the same radfem who made fun of Harry Potter stans are literally doing the same thing, making one (1) book storyline the fundamental basis of their world worldview - but I digress).

And no one is denying that pregnancy isn't hard on the body. By compelling people to have responsible and selective sex, pro lifers are more than anyone else conscious of how serious pregnancy is, and the toll it takes on the female body. However, maybe I would take a lil bit more your concern for complications related to pregnancy if pro choicers weren't constantly downplaying the health consequences of abortion and other (hormonal) birth control systems... It's funny how you'll act like pregnancy, a totally natural function our body was literally wired for, is violence against our body, but not....chemically or surgically violently halting a biological synchronicity to forcefully remove/expel body parts.... #abortionistmath

I feel like we're in a timeline where we're so far in the pendulum that went against the lalala glamorization of pregnancy (that's existed since a LOT of time tbh) that now it's trendy to HATE pregnancy, and pass it off as this traumatic almost torture experience that HAS to be avoided at any cost...

Me think many of you sound lowkey mentally ill (it's interesting you're talking about "phobia" because phobia are actual....illness that need to be cured lol That's not...a normal state of mind) and need to learn to be normal about pregnancy. I know I may sound harsh but I'm tired of grown adults getting offended over normal shit when they just need to see a psychologist lol

[moontyger]

The formula to determine standard office temperature was developed in the 1960s around the metabolic resting rate of the average man. But a recent Dutch study found that the metabolic rate of young adult females performing light office work is significantly lower than the standard values for men doing the same activity. In fact, the formula may overestimate female metabolic rate by as much as 35%, meaning that current offices are on average five degrees too cold for women. This leads to the odd sight of female office workers wrapped in blankets in the summer, while their male colleagues wander around in shorts.

Not only is this situation inequitable, it is bad business sense: an uncomfortable workforce is an unproductive workforce. But workplace data gaps lead to a lot worse than simple discomfort and inefficiency. Over the past 100 years, workplaces have, on the whole, got considerably safer. In the early 1900s, about 4,400 people in the UK died at work every year. By 2016, that figure had fallen to 135. But while serious injuries at work have been decreasing for men, there is evidence that they have been increasing among women. The gender data gap is again implicated, with occupational research traditionally focused on male-dominated industries.

Every year, 8,000 people in the UK die from work-related cancers. And although most research in this area has been done on men, it’s far from clear that men are the most affected. Over the past 50 years, breast cancer rates in the industrialised world have risen significantly – but a failure to research female bodies, occupations and environments means that the data for exactly what is behind this rise is lacking. “We know everything about dust disease in miners,” Rory O’Neill, professor of occupational and environmental policy research at the University of Stirling, tells me. “You can’t say the same for exposures, physical or chemical, in ‘women’s work’.”

Cancer is a long-latency disease, O’Neill says, so even if we started the studies now, it would take a working generation before we had any usable data. But we aren’t starting the studies now. Instead,we continue to rely on data from studies done on men as if they apply to women. Specifically, Caucasian men aged 25 to 30, who weigh 70kg. This is “Reference Man” and his superpower is being able to represent humanity as a whole. Of course, he does not.

Men and women have different immune systems and hormones, which can play a role in how chemicals are absorbed. Women tend to be smaller than men and have thinner skin, both of which can lower the level of toxins they can be safely exposed to. This lower tolerance threshold is compounded by women’s higher percentage of body fat, in which some chemicals can accumulate. Chemicals are still usually tested in isolation, and on the basis of a single exposure. But this is not how women tend to encounter them.

In nail salons, where the workforce is almost exclusively female (and often migrant), workers will be exposed on a daily basis to a huge range of chemicals that are “routinely found in the polishes, removers, gels, shellacs, disinfectants and adhesives that are staples of their work”, according to the Canadian researcher Anne Rochon Ford. Many of these chemicals have been linked to cancer, miscarriages and lung diseases. Some may alter the body’s normal hormonal functions. If these women then go home and begin a second unpaid shift cleaning their home, they will be exposed to different chemicals that are ubiquitous in common products. The effects of these mixing together are largely unknown.

Most of the research on chemicals has focused on their absorption through the skin. But many of the ones used in nail salons are extremely volatile, which means that they evaporate at room temperature and can be inhaled – along with the considerable amounts of dust produced when acrylic nails are filed. The research on how this may impact on workers is virtually nonexistent.

Part of the failure to see the risks in traditionally female-dominated industries is because often these jobs are an extension of what women do in the home (although at a more onerous scale). But the data gap when it comes to women in the workplace doesn’t only arise in female-dominated industries.

Little data exists on injuries to women in construction, but the New York Committee for Occupational Safety & Health (NYCOSH) points to a US study of union carpenters that found women had higher rates of sprains, strains and nerve conditions of the wrist and forearm than men. Given the lack of data, it’s hard to be sure exactly why this is, but it’s a safe bet to attribute at least some of the blame to “standard” construction site equipment being designed around the male body.

Wendy Davis, ex-director of the Women’s Design Service in the UK, questions the standard size of a bag of cement. It’s a comfortable weight for a man to lift – but it doesn’t actually have to be that size, she points out. “If they were a bit smaller, then women could lift them.” Davis also takes issue with the standard brick size. “I’ve got photographs of my [adult] daughter holding a brick. She can’t get her hand round it. But [her husband] Danny’s hand fits perfectly comfortably. Why does a brick have to be that size?” She also notes that the typical A1 architect’s portfolio fits nicely under most men’s arms while most women’s arms don’t reach round it.

NYCOSH similarly notes that “standard hand tools like wrenches tend to be too large for women’s hands to grip tightly”.

In the UK, employers are legally required to provide well-maintained personal protective equipment (PPE) – anything from goggles to full body suits – to workers who need it, free of charge. But most PPE is based on the sizes and characteristics of male populations from Europe and the US. The TUC found that employers often think that when it comes to female workers all they need to do to comply with this legal requirement is to buy smaller sizes.

Differences in chests, hips and thighs can affect the way the straps fit on safety harnesses. The use of a “standard” US male face shape for dust, hazard and eye masks means they don’t fit most women (as well as a lot of black and minority ethnic men). A 2017 TUC report found that the problem with ill-fitting PPE was worst in the emergency services, where only 5% of women said that their PPE never hampered their work, with body armour, stab vests, hi-vis vests and jackets all highlighted as unsuitable.

When it comes to frontline workers, poorly fitting PPE can prove fatal. In 1997, a British female police officer was stabbed and killed while using a hydraulic ram to enter a flat. She had removed her body armour because it was too difficult to use the ram while wearing it. Two years later, a female police officer revealed that she had had to have breast-reduction surgery because of the health effects of wearing her body armour. After this case was reported, another 700 officers in the same force came forward to complain about the standard-issue protective vest.

But although the complaints have been coming regularly over the past 20 years, little seems to have been done. British female police officers report being bruised by their kit belts; a number have had to have physiotherapy because of the way stab vests sit on their body; many complain there is no space for their breasts. This is not only uncomfortable, it also results in stab vests coming up too short, leaving women unprotected.

[itsashowtime]

What kind of personality does Toshi have and what backstory?

I am still in the process of fleshing out his story but! Here's what I have so far...

(Art by: Aixen )

Japanese Name: 時紫 雨花

Surname: Toshi 時紫 (violet hour)

First Name: Ukuwa (rain flower)

Alias: White Rabbit (By most), Eighty-Six (By Sho after they breakup) 

Birthday: June 8

Age: 19

Gender: Cis Male

Height: 190cm (6'2")

Noise Form: Jackalope Cantus

Trivia/facts:

I designed him next to Rindou so they looked super hot together but then Shou swiped him like the asshole he is - I have yet to play Neo so maybe UkuRin will be able to recover but rn the Shou living rent free in my brain doesn't seem to want to share

I made Ukuwa's motif Hydrangea after a trip to the Hydrangea Shrine.

He's extremely picky about food and drink tempretures, like, it has to be just right or he'll tear you a new one

Loves Chai flavour

Every barista's nightmare, he'll yell at you if you don't pay attention to his laundry list order

He fiddles with his ear piercings when he's nervous

He thumps his feet like a rabbit when he's pissed

The neediest fucking bottom

Personality

A hardworking, judgemental and esteemed horologist. Time means everything to Ukuwa and he always seems to be in a rush! He is nicknamed 'Shibuya's White Rabbit' since he is often spotted dashing around the streets mumbling about schedules.

Ukuwa is strict and harsh but especially towards himself. He hates relying on people and prefers to get things done on his own. He is extremely counter dependent. If absolutely necessary, he takes extreme care in picking who to have around. He mostly sees people as tools for his own convenience. He calls people 'cogs'.

He has a very good eye for art and is passionate about design. He doesn't get excited often but when it comes to art, that is the one time his eyes light up.

Ukuwa's character arc is about slowing down and embracing the moment, being able to acknowledge your progress, allowing yourself to accept help and allowing friendships with unconditional love to blossom.

Backstory

tldr; He is the CPTSD haver ever - Trigger warning for: child abuse, neglect, divorce

An only child who did not have his emotional needs met. Ukuwa was raised by an abusive, alcoholic father who was a electronics technician and a neglectful mother who was a highschool teacher. Both his parents had high expectations towards him right away. Failure to perform with the best outcome would result in: solitary confinement + hitting/whipping as punishment whether that be in school, house chores, or even going out. He has scars all over his hands as a result which is why he wears gloves all the time.

Ukuwa would be locked in an empty room after a rough beating to 'reflect on his actions' for hours, his only company being clocks. This is where his obsession with clocks started. Curious and bored, Ukuwa would start to disassemble clocks at a young age to figure out their workings. One could’ve gone insane, but Ukuwa was grateful that the clock would tell him when the pain was over and he could see the light again.

His parents divorced when he was in middle school, both of them getting newer partners with other children. This applied extra pressure onto him to perform well. Unfortunately, Ukuwa was often casted aside in favour of his step/half siblings. He is desperate to prove that he isn't a burden. In fact, that's a really big fear of his.

Ukuwa functions on guilt and shame. His fear of being a burden and a failure is what causes his workaholicism and lack of care towards himself. He pushes forward and only forward. He does not allow himself to rest. Time only moves forward, and so he wants to move only forward too.

This means that he's chronically counter dependent and refuses help when it is offered. He avoids connecting with people unless it's absolutely necessary and for business purposes. Because one less person to be around means one less person to be a burden and disappointment to.

Ukuwa saved up a lot as a child just to move out and to escape his family. Once he graduated from high school, he immediately moved out to Tokyo and has been living in a sharehouse.

He currently attends a college of jewelry in Shibuya, learning how to make clocks of all kinds. He is obsessed with Il Cavallo Del Re and dreams to design clothes and watches for them.

Now, I don't usually have my OCs getting TOO involved in canon but this is sort of an exception (though Ukuwa does not effect TWEWY mainplot) *puts hands together* So where does he fit into TWEWY? WELL-

One day, when he was rushing around mumbling about time and being late, he got caught up in a sinkhole and he dies. (Haha, ironic bc of his nickname which references the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland) He was already feeling terrible because his clock design didn't get included in this competition he had participated in.

But he lands himself in one of Minamimoto Shou's earlier Reaper Games. At this point, Shou hasn't discovered Taboo bullshittery. This game takes place a while before Neku comes along.

His entry fee was his concept of time. This means that he cannot even see the timer on his phone and can only recieve missions. Ukuwa is hyper vigilant (thanks cptsd). That means he's extra sensitive to light and sound. He has several clocks on him with different 'voices' that soothes him. Suddenly, he can't hear them anymore and that throws him off real bad.

He gets grabbed by a straight-for-pay lesbian hostess and party girl, Hana, admist the panic of Day 1. She grabs him because he looks 'reliable' and wealthy. (she was wrong. Ukuwa is gay and he only looks wealthy because the clothes he wears is what he designed and he's good with his hands)

Hana forms a pact with him, wanting to take advantage of him like she usually does with men because she treats them like wallets. Her entry fee was money, so she cannot spend money throughout the game and has to rely on stingy Ukuwa. Ukuwa has to rely on Hana to keep track of the time.

They start off pretty rocky at first because Ukuwa doesn't have patience for her antics and Hana gets frustrated by how Ukuwa is so careful with how he uses his money and how he doesn't seem to know how to have fun.

Ukuwa's pysch is cryokinesis. Because you know. Time has literally stopped for him. He can summon icicles and walls of ice. Hana has immense strength and smacks the shit out of noise with her purse. They become quite a good team throughout the week.

Ukuwa starts to enjoy the moment instead of trying to push forward and ignore his feelings, and Hana learns that partying and drinking won't solve all of her problems.

Tldr, he falls in love with Shou so hard and he already struggles with feelings of uselessness in the RG so he ends up becoming a reaper. Their relationship happens very quickly and it's veeeery toxic (but that's what makes it tasty)

If you wanna know the deets about UkuShou-

Ukuwa x Shou

Ukuwa is immediately intruged by Shou's trash heaps. The symbolism and the cynycism towards humans speaks out to him. It's the first time he really feels connection towards someone. The precision of the trash, how it's held up so sturdily and is obviously so deliberate is impressive to him. Hana tries to snag a piece of trash that looks useful as a weapon and Ukuwa yells at her and puts it back. He calls it an art installment.

He doesn't know that Shou is the artist behind the heaps. Not until the trash cat turns up anyways. He actually finds Shou insufferable and annoying at first. The yelling into the megaphone is pretty triggering to him and he doesn't hesitate to throw an icicle at Shou. When he finds out that Shou is the artist though, he can't help but grow more and more curious.

When Shou hears Ukuwa praising his art, he's pretty confused at first. He normally doesn't care if measly humans can't understand his art's brilliance and beauty, so hearing Ukuwa reading his piece like a book is different and a little unsettling. One part of him is happy? But the other part of him just doesn't want to admit that he's understood.

So throughout the week, he makes more unhinged art pieces and challenges Ukuwa to guess the symbolism and he denies how correct Ukuwa is every time. It's annoying how bright Ukuwa looks when he talks about his art. But it's also really endearing too.

Anyways, Shou grows curious about Ukuwa and it's a running theme that he tries to interrogate him in closed spaces like alleyways, the phonebooth of love (where they share their first kiss) and changing rooms. They bicker, argue, talk about art, the mission, etc.

Ukuwa is a stupid baby gay and he starts seeing Shou as a person and he starts to understand and speak in maths lingo too. Shou becomes so fascinating and beautiful to him so he makes the extra effort to get to know him. He has the biggest crush and Hana notices too- Even trying to set them up in her own silly way.

I should prolly mention that I hc that Shou is colourblind and has protanomaly colour blindness (weak to red/green) and like.

Shou vision Ukuwa is vibrant and pretty it's insane.

I fully agree with Kiga's Shou HC and I think Shou had his art criticized in the past due to his questionable colour choices which lead to him making more sculpture stuff than paint. ANYWAYS-

Shou eventually accepts that he is understood by Ukuwa and by the time it's day 7, he realizes that actually, he kinda doesn't want Ukuwa to die in his hands. Luckily, Shibuya's Reaper's Game rules at this point aren't exactly solid yet and Shou being Shou finds loopholes. On the last day, there are a few surviving duos that reach the top of Pork City to fight Leo Cantus. This is when Ukuwa tosses humanity right out the window and he essentially erases all remaining players aside from himself and his partner Hana.

He's under the impression that one of them will have to die so he tells Shou that he'll gladly 'give him his movement' and die in his hands, but Shou cannot bring himself to do that and asks him to stay and add art to this world with him.

Tldr, thanks to the loophole of mission mail wording, Ukuwa is able to become a reaper and the two become even more inseparable.

They are very horny and very obsessed with each other. Ukuwa drops everything for love. Unfortunately, Ukuwa is a needy bitch and he relies on Shou for his dopamine. Shou is a free spirit and he likes his space so the relationship falls apart after a few months.

Ukuwa is actually the one that dumps Shou because he was 'five minutes and twenty three seconds late to our date'.

This hurts Shou's pride a lot because how DARE he get dumped. But here's the thing- they keep banging anyways. They are like magnets. And Shou is SO smug about it too. Because Ukuwa is in denial about still having feelings but he keeps going back!

I have yet to play NEO but after Shou dies in TWEWY Ukuwa acts like a fucking widower and he has a relapse with his workaholism. Kariya really helps him loosen up and enjoy the moment.

When Shou is revived in NEO, Ukuwa is like a sobbing mess. I imagine by then, Ukuwa has grown as a person more and he has learnt to give Shou space so they end back together. Shou also learns to have some empathy and stop being so selfish and finally apologizes (shocking) and they get back together. With their bond stronger than ever, they end up having a daughter (light puck baby) named Miu who is almost as unhinged as they are. She LOVES physics. She's a genius. And also a super powerful angel but I'll explain that another day LOL

[things-about-cars-in-posts]

So I had my dad talking to me about cars today, telling me how I should basically avoid getting any cars except those made by Japanese companies because of how shitty other countries manufacture their cars (mileage and life span)

Do you have any thoughts on this? I don’t know much about cars and I thought of this blog while I was having this conversation so that’s why I send here

Do I have thoughts on this. Do I have thoughts on this. Babygirl (gender neutral) I have thoughts on aspects of cars you wouldn't even conceive of. I have thoughts on aspects of cars that aren't even real. Up the ante, folks! Ask me which cars are most bisexual!

That aside, for my opinion: Italian food is good. But of course, when I eat out in Italy, I don't go to any random place because "this country does this well", because I'm not ordering from a country, or a region, or a city, but from a specific joint - and some of them suck, some dropped or rose in quality, some are exceptionally good/bad with certain things, hell, some serve foreign food and then what's the adage matter now! That's why Yelp doesn't have country reviews.

Much the same, Japanese cars are usually pretty reliable, but Nissan spent the last two decades making a case against that claim (especially with their CVT transmission, a known ticking time bomb they've done fuck all about for years) with the help of whatever's left of the shell of Mitsubishi, and Infiniti is just the luxury brand of Nissan so ditto for it... indeed, another point to make, some cars are just based on, or outright are, cars from other brands. Infinitis are built by Nissan, and usually based on the equivalent Nissans. Except the QX30, which is just a Mercedes GLA - which probably was part of the same deal through which Mercedes got to sell the Nissan Navara as the X Class.

And there's a lot of cross-nationality brand partnerships like that, past and present, like the four-decade-long Mazda/Ford one, or the time Saturn had such a crappy engine they had to get Honda to give them a proper one. And by the way, the guy who posted that? He owns a different Saturn which took 360k miles of bare minimum care like a champ, because reliability can vary wildly within a lineup, and also a Volkswagen that's been a thorn in his side, which definitely wasn't the experience I had with mine, because mine is over twice as old, and a brand can completely change over time too! (You'd think they were run by people or something.)

In fact, reliability changing over time and models is the norm - not as drastically as, say, "older German cars were unstoppable tanks and now they're overly fit-prone electronics messes where everything is costly to buy and dastardly to replace" (which, however, is actually a notable trend), but usually in terms of "in this model, through these production years, this component was overly keen on failing" (as per my Accord post). Part of how Toyota (and by extension its luxury brand Lexus) rightfully earned its reputation of King Reliability is such cases in their production being especially few and far between, and none notable enough to become an automotive meme like Subaru head gasket failures (and no, the Camry dent doesn't count). So, say, Hondas may not be less reliable, just a bit less consistently so (but even there, Honda interiors tend to hold up much better than Toyotas', yadda yadda yay for nuance).

So if you are buying a used car (as you should) it's always important to research for potential common problems (for instance, pre-90s Toyota frames are to rust what the letter X is to Elon Musk) and thoroughly inspect the car, to check that nothing is broken and that it's been properly serviced.

That last part is very important, because reliability is not a tickbox, it's a spectrum, and a function of how a car was built and how it was maintained. Carelessness will kill any car sooner or later. Every car has fluids that will at some point need changing, wear items that will at some point need replacing, and the occasional part failure. Even yours. So even when it comes to your car, keep up with that stuff, or it will eventually catch up to you. (And if regular services would tax your finances, look into how to perform them yourself - you'll find it's a lot easier than you thought, you'll give it a shot and it will be very rewarding and save you a lot of money!)

And also, if a hinge starts squeaking, if something starts sagging, if some trim breaks, if you get a dent or scratch, take care of those too. Not because they make your car work less or worth less, but because they foster an indifference that snowballs into neglect. Working on those little things will keep you feeling like your car is nice and your loving effort is going to keep it nice, dammit - in much the same way as it's important to take care of yourself and your environment for your mental health, to keep yourself feeling like you are making it and with your loving effort you are going to keep making it, dammit.

Links in blue are posts of mine explaining the words in question - if you liked this post, you might like those!

[likealittleheartbeat]

I perhaps sacrificed clarity for wit in the wording of my poll: Which queer fiction experience would you prefer--queer representation without queer themes or queer themes without queer representation? "Queer," after all, has been famously hard to define among its theorists. On of the founders of its theory, Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick, does some work to articulate the history of its definitional flexibility in her article "Queer and Now." But I think Heather Love's introduction to Feeling Backwards gets at the heart of it, "When queer was adopted in the late 1980s it was chosen because it evoked a long history of insult and abuse--you could hear the hurt in it." This is what I mean when I say "queer" themes, messages that invoke and evoke the hurt.

Of course, as @irresistible-revolution pointed out in a question in the comments of the poll, "don't queer themes produce queer subjects." If queer is understood as the queer theorists define it, this is inevitably true. Words wrestle away from the theorists, though. If you do a tumblr or google search for queer representation, you can imagine what you find. LGBT identity--Q with it's variation between questioning and queer, though often included in the label, fails fabulously in crafting a workable identity; note it's lack of a pride flag or stripe--requires an affirmative action, which is why certain pieces of the narrative are so important to its politics. You need to come out, you need to make your identity visible (either visually, with public actions like marriage, dress, etc. or with speech, which brings us back to coming out), you need to have pride. Any failure to follow through with these acts puts your access to identity at risk. Identity is a potent political mobilizing force and has led to some pretty incredible legal changes in the past 70 years (although, as far as queer identity mobilization, the AIDS crisis certainly kicked that into overdrive beyond simple identity politics). This is what undergirds the general usage of "queer representation:" lgbt identity made visible and explicit. Identity, in this case, requires from its media the same as its subjects. They must be total and pure in their positive identification--positive, meaning additive, here, although the need for emotionally positive depictions seems to often follow--which is why so much discourse erupts about the quality of representation. The legitimate identification of the characters and the work in total is being debated.

If "queer" as the theorists posit it is about the hurt, it's about the open negative spaces where the barbs stuck in. To wrestle the word away from the academics for a second to talk about real life, instead, we LGBT-identified individuals might remember a time before our identity emerged or crystalized, when experiences of strangeness, difference, pain, and alienation were the markers we could recognize. Can this recognition exist in a representation, either a character or a human being's census marker? Perhaps--especially if we consider that's what the word queer is supposed to mean according to the academics lol. But, as the theorists realized when they tried to define it, the definition was liquid and dodged their attempts to pin it down. Describing it involved putting individuals in relationship to their hurt, to those that hurt them, to their attempts, failures, and successes to make peace with those injuries. I hear a proud voice in my head complaining that LGBT individuals should not be defined as disabled, deficient, or inherently traumatized by their gender or sexuality. Queerness, the hurt we hear in it, while it derived from the language hurled at certain gendered expressions that deviated from the conservative norm, elaborated a more general difference and expression of that difference in relation to others, so it wasn't limited to LGBT individuals (which is why it was so functional a theory for literary analysis that preceded those identity categories and tucked experiences and meanings into subtexts). You see, unlike identity, queerness is not individual but relational, relational with those with similar kinds of hurt but more importantly relational with the individuals and institutions opening the wounds.

This queer relationality blossoms into strange solidarity across what we would consider typical identity groups, because the shame or injury they experience because of their marginalization is familiar and understandable (Zuko and Aang are great examples of this). It also means that engagement with narrative is vastly more important than engagement with signifiers and visibility. Relating takes time. Even more dangerous to the tribalism of identity (that's often, as in the case of LGBT identity, established in the face of oppression) is the encouragement that queerness can engender to relate to those that caused them harm, to even empathize with the harm they might have incurred which caused them to project their hurt onto others or to the harm they feel but work to ignore caused by hurting others. In a way, this strips persecutors from their perceived sense of "normalcy." It queers them and returns them to profane, queer, humanity.

I created my poll while watching the anime Fruits Basket. It made me consider other animes like Neon Genesis Evangelion and Revolutionary Girl Utena, which draw LGBT-identified viewers in. All three shows depict cross-dressing and same-sex attraction but, two out of the three, conclude with heterosexual coupling for their happy endings, and Utena doesn't end with any of its same-sex couples together, exactly.* Despite this, the shows are rife with queer themes around parental abandonment, abuse, gender deviance, attachment, etc., more so (and much more successfully, I'd add) than a lot of proper shows with LGBT representation.

Closer to home for this blog, Avatar the Last Airbender is adored by LGBT identified people even as it lacks any LGBT representation (I won't compare it to LoK because it's more complicated than matters of representation to compare the sequel series quality and the subsequent admiration or lack of it). What moves these people in the show? I could be wrong, here, many people watch shows with a much less analytical and empathetic style than me. Yet, it's hard to ignore how prevalent the queer themes of Avatar the Last Airbender are. These narratives of disappointing and losing parental figures, attempting and failing to live up to expectations, betraying your own values in response to alienation and grief, embracing victimhood or villainy or savior status to garner a sense of self even if it is false until you find something truer. These are deeply queer themes not because only LGBT-identified people experience them but because they are in response to deep wells of hurt. What they result in when probed, however, is a world much more open to LGBT practices and queer practices. It's often thought said Katara and Aang's final kiss feels tacked on, as if it furnishes this queer text with a conservative heterosexual ending. Focusing merely on their genders, this ignores so many aspects of Katara and Aang's journey, of course, that make their particular heterosexual dynamic quite queer (their colonized status, their gender expressions, the development of their relationship beyond simple dynamics of hero and damsel in distress), not to mention the embrace between Zuko and Aang at Zuko's coronation that offers possibilities like 1800s style romantic friendships beyond the last scene. It's quite possible, I'm saying, that we love ATLA because its more queer than other explicitly LGBT offerings.

If it isn't clear, when choosing between the two options, I'd choose queer themes without queer representation. I appreciate the inclination toward the other. I want to see character allowed to have fall for and have sex with the same genders. I want to see characters who explore and transition with their genders and gender expressions. I yearn for characters like myself. But I recognize how hollow that can quickly turn. Who I am is more complex than a simply LGBT identity. In fact, there are plenty of LGBT characters and people I feel no personal connection to. Aang feels much closer to my personality than any explicitly gay character I've ever encountered. And I've often related to people who experienced marginalization because of their race and intellectual intensity much easier than I've related to anyone over their LGBT status. Representation is cool and interesting and can be explored in so many cool ways, and I love it and obsess over it, but it has it's limits, and one of them is that representation doesn't render good fiction. It's just a demographic. If you're into that stuff (and it's intricacies, like me), cool. Fiction just needs to take a little more time, breathe a little more, be a little more weird and long-winded and hurt, and by all that I mean queer.