#where i live now is okay and i dont feel the crushing loneliness as bad but i miss my old home so much

[mothusband]

feeling so homesick it hurts in my chest and listening to chappell roan is NOT helping

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket Manga Review, ch (92-93)

That was painful & so well-written! This analysis will focus on kyokyo mainly & faintly on her effect on kyo. Although, her story affects tohru’s life immensely, I won’t analyze tohru’s part & will wait until it’s a tohru’s chapter to use the knowledge of kyoko’s past to better read tohru’s mind & understand her decisions! Can’t wait! after all, that’s why I’ve read the manga to begin with!

-Kyoko’s Atonement:  (the weight of words):

 Kyoko breaks down after she learns she’s expecting. Why? cuz she hurt her mom. The notion that “yeah my parents caused me emotional trauma & so I’mma hurt them as well” is toxic & burdening as it starts a cycle of pain. Kyoko was right. She had no idea how her mom felt seeing her rebel, or follow violence or hear her harsh words. I’m not cleansing the mom from guilt nor responsibility. I’m just saying since the mom’s pov is blocked from us, assuming shes similar to the dad is wrong. kyoko’s fear of being punished with a child similar to herself is genuine, realistic & refreshing to see expressed in anime! usually character like kyoko are cool & brave, but here she’s humanly weak & doubtful. LOVE IT!

Moreover, in furuba words weigh on ppl & have consequences. We see this with kyo. His dad destroyed him verbally with words “ not my fault, it’s yours” that kyo echoes back to yuki! meaning the consequences of the dad’s words cause harm to his wife, kyo & even yuki!. Kyo was tormented with his own words for long time & clung to them even more in order not to resort to suicide! “ not my fault, it’s the rat’s” . Words can crush you down so bad if you hear them from loved ones, & worse if you utter them back to other loved ones! here kyoko learned that just the mere thought of her future child echoing her words back to her would torment her to death! Excellent writing!

-Katsuya invented Furuba’s vision (Accepting weakness & moving on):

The teachings of kyoko & tohru were really katsuya’s after all. I’m fne with that. These teachings are the core of Furuba’s vision. He tells kyoko to accept that she’s weak, afraid & doubtful. it’s okay. But gives her tools to move on. Your kid isn’t you. They’re an individual person. As parents all we can do is give love/hugs (sth kyoko’s parents didnt do), listen to them (sth yuki’s parents didnt do) & if they do sth wrong will explain it & teach them well (sth kyo’s parents didn’t do, his wrong deed was being born a cat spirit & he was hated for it with no explanation, mom gave lots of “fake” love & escaped by death, dad became a raging monster). Accepting weakness & moving on is what the cursed sohmnas needed to do to heal & what tohru taught them. Off course, tohru herself struggled to follow her own teachings & that’s amazingly realistic!

-Kyoko’s guilt (punishment brings ease):

Kyoko wanted to be punished so harsh for her husband’s death. The gossip got to her. She failed him as a life’s companion. Taking care of our loved ones is a duty we carry with much love & care. Them slipping away is perceived as us failing by none than ourselves. The thing is, death comes with no warning at times. It was his time to leave. Accepting it or not, wont bring him back, but accepting it will help kyoko deal with pain while not accepting will cause more pain for her & tohru.

One of the most painful things abt grief is that it’s personal. Life continues around you. Only you feel it.  “didn’t the world end when katsuya died”. No kyoko. Only you died emotionally. Only him died physically. Kyo once said “ mom why didn’t you kill me instead”. A different reaction to grief, guilt & pain, but same conclusion: neither katsuya nor kyo’s mom are coming back no matter how much pain kyo or kyoko felt.

Kyoko found ease in emotional death, neglecting & refusing life, punishing herself for staying after him.

kyo found ease in rage & blaming others as he his father did, later he’ll escape to emotional & physical slow death “ cat cage/confinement”.

tohru... found ease in pretending "I’m okay” & her mom is alive.. but not physically.. emotionally, so she’ll ignore the truth & live only for her.

Didn’t I say grief is harsh, weird & very very personal. It’s hard to explain, deal with & heal. The mere words of consolation hurt cuz the grieving ones dont want to accept loved one are really gone. Her dad’s harsh words cemented the “emotional death” that kyoko felt. I’m not needed. neither katsuya. nor parents in general. depression. misery. sadness. emptiness.

-The tv show helped to trigger kyoko’s desire to “meet” katsuya. She has already reached the conclusion that she isnt needed. So, the tv show with their words of the deceased wanting you to be happy. triggered her into misinterpreting the words as to mean her death NOT fuel her to live in his memory as intended.

- “Loosing your way first before finding your answer” is okay & so human!:

Ironically..Tohru... was the person Kyoko was punishing NOT herself: By being emotionally dead, kyoko neglected her daughter. Her world shouldnt be just one person. There are others. Katsuya himself gave her a person to love. Tohru. Kyoko chose death & unintentionally set tohru into a world of loneliness 10 times harsher thsn what kyoko faced. She was about to do, but was saved by a nameless child who reminded her of tohru. She chose wrong first but later saw her answer. Kyo chose death by accepting the confinement & he, too, unintentionally set tohru into a world of loneliness 10 times harsher if he wasnt with her. He chose wrong first but later saw his answer. Off course kyo’s story is more developed & complicated as he dealt with bigger issues than just tohru & his answer wasn't just loving tohru alone but also loving himself & choosing to live for them both: himself & tohru.

-Kyo’s guilt is a concussion thought eating him alive:

Part of why kyo’s story was one of the most human & complex is due him loosing his way first, failing, repeating mistakes “ I always though that hurting ppl was the only thing I was good at, after all, isnt that why mom died?” Kyo’s nightmare being a conscious effect of hearing tohru’s talk abt “ videos & memories of loved ones” is 1000 times stronger & more human than a cliche effect of seeing a “ hat” & to revive a a blocked memory... What the hell!! truly disgusting how the emotional weigh is reduced for stupid cliche drama !!!!!! ..

Anyway, kyo actively & consciously wanted punishment .He was sure that kyoko blamed him” I wont forgive you” can only mean what it literally means. The purpose of the nightmare is to cause kyo to seek “ emotional death” like kyoko & to loose his path more. It is meant to prepare kyo to refuse tohru even more. Therefore, the pay off at the climax will be better & stronger.

Reading kyo’s inner thoughts will never not be refreshing!!! Also, the slow burn is cooked on low , hot fire , so the pay off will be the most delicious there is!

Side Notes:

I’ve stated my feelings regarding the age gap between kyoko & katsuya in last chapter’s preview post. I’m done with it & won’t let it interfere with my analysis of kyoko nor tohru.

The idea of just being together as a fun hanging out activity without being bothered much of where reminds ms so much of kyo & tohru!! we see them being happy together in the anime in kazuma’s house, shigure’s rooftop, cooking pancake in the kitchen! I really like this domestic feel of romance! it contradicts the notion of expensive restaurant with the girl wearing a breathtaking dress to woo the guy for it to be utterly romantic as we see in movies, & other stories.

NGL, katsuya looked sexy waiting home.. damn it! >_<

I cried watching tohru between her parents, how they acted & how loved she was! T_T. it reminded me of my niece How her dad’s death affected her! She was the apple of his eyes.. T_T.

Tohru is indeed a rice ball! her dad gave her a masculine name while tohru is so feminine! his reasoning is “finding salty taste in sweet things make the taste better & stronger, kinda giving it a hidden flavour”, the rice ball has a pickle inside it & it’s what makes the taste so savory & delicious!

Grandpa’s “ chance meetings could lead to variety of outcomes, good or bad” YES! kyo/tohru/yuki meeting each other by chance. Fiction make it look weird, but trust me, real life has those by dozens!

“ i wonder how lost you’ll be, how much time you’ll need to get your answer”. He will screw up so bad, kyoko! it will be so good! one of the best screw up’s I’ve seen! so painful for him & tohru & amazingly written!

Kyo’s nightmare being connected to him remembering/dreaming of kyoko’s story is bigger effect than opening the ep with it & having the cause be sth that happened last ep, a week ago... the effect is NOT the same.

Momiji is so cute!!! did his curse break here or not yet? he seemed as tall as tohru.

Writing tohru worried abt kyo after seeing him pale is the tohru I know!! Not that stupid girl who watches the guy she loves have a panic attach in se3, ep6, then goes in ep 7...” dahhhh.. Jeez.. I duno why kyo is sleeping until now.. better laugh & make cute rice cakes” giggle giggle...That scene got me so furious even when I first saw it!! THIS IS NOT TOHRU! tohru cried for a stupid story that haru told abt puppets!! she’ll forget the person she challenges herself for is sick?! ugh!

I love seeing yuki & kyo chill & cool around each other.

Kyoko being fully dependent on katsuya can be a factor in her grief, but I’ve seen cases where both partners are independent but still be completely broken after the others’ death. Grief isn’t logical at all & is extremely personal.

[ughseoks-main]

you’re your father’s daughter

Peter Parker x Stark!Reader

summary: where peter, your boyfriend of many months, finds out that you’re tony stark’s daughter

requested by anonymous: Can you do a peter parker x reader imagine where they're dating and her dad is tony stark but nobody knows because she uses her mom's last name and lives with her mom and basically doesn't like her dad and then could you make it be like how peter would react to finding out about that

word count: 4.4k

warnings: angst, swearing, daddy issues

a/n: wow this is a lot longer than pretty much all of my oneshots whaaat?? it’s like,, halfway edited kinda?? so like dont judge it too hard lmao. but anyways i hope y’all enjoy & let me know what you think!

You didn’t like Tony Stark.

Sure, he was your dad, but after what he’d done to you and your mom, your dislike for him had grown immensely. You could barely remember living with him; you were so young that only bits and pieces of your life then stuck with you. Most of your memories with him seemed to be happy, yet you couldn’t stand to even hear his name.

Although it was so long ago, you could still remember the day you and your mother left. She was crying, but being so young, you had no idea why. You were too young to understand why you’d moved, but a few years later your mom explained to you that she and Tony both decided it was best for both you and your mom to move away. She never went into detail why, saying it wasn’t her place to tell you, which led you to assume that Tony wanted to live out his playboy lifestyle with nothing holding him back, even if that meant abandoning his daughter in the process. The last time you spoke to your father was the day you moved out all those years ago.

Even after all of that, you still had Tony’s number saved in your phone. It was silly, but you couldn’t make yourself delete it. Somehow, having his number saved kept you connected to that little bit of happiness he gave you in your younger years. The only time he called was on your birthday each year, and you always let it go to voicemail. He’d leave roughly the same message each time, usually saying ‘happy birthday’ and that he loved you.

He never said he missed you.

You’d listen to those voicemails over and over again, each and every replay digging into your soul. Deep, deep down, you knew you missed him, but you’d built up so many walls that the sadness manifested as resentment in your heart. Even hearing his name could make your blood boil; a defense against the cold, prying fingers of loneliness and longing.

Shaking your head to bring yourself back to reality, you realize that you’re sitting in the lunchroom next to your boyfriend, Peter Parker.

“He just treats me like… like his own kid, you know?” he says adoringly, taking another bite of his sandwich, “He always listens to my ideas and encourages creativity and thinking outside the box. Whenever I suggest something, he takes it into consideration instead of waving me off for being just a kid.”

If it were anybody else, you’d try to change the subject or politely leave to do something else. However, neither of those options worked with Peter. Even if you changed the subject, he’d somehow find his way back to Tony; plus, he knew you way too well to tell if you were trying to leave because you were upset. So, you just sucked it up and tried your best to filter out all of the Tony Stark talk. Now, you were sure that if you ever told him about your situation, he’d immediately stop. After all, he would never do anything to hurt you.

However, telling Peter wasn’t a risk you could take.

If anybody ever found out that you were Tony Stark’s daughter, your life would never be the same. People would only befriend you so they could use you, and you would always be compared to him. You wanted to be your own person and make a name for yourself without the help of your famous dad. Critics would most definitely blame your success on your bloodline rather than your brilliant, science-oriented mind, which wasn’t something you wanted to deal with.

“So, I was talking to Mr. Stark,” Peter’s eyes grow wide with excitement, “and he said I could invite my friend to come to the lab with me sometime! I figured with how much you love science and how brilliant you are, you’d have a blast with us. It’s like a scientific playground up there!”

“Uh,” you rub the back of your neck awkwardly, “As much fun as that sounds, I think I’m busy. Maybe another time?”

“But I didn’t even give you a date-”

“It’s just… not a good time right now, Peter,” you emphasize, giving him a look that told him you weren’t budging.

“Oh, that’s okay..” he looked disappointed, which crushed your heart, “It’s too bad. I mean, I honestly think you guys would get along great. You’re actually super similar! Sometimes I think you’re, like, his long lost daughter or something. You know, just the other day he-”

“Peter, can you just- can you just stop?” you snap, unable to listen to any more. Peter didn’t know any better, but you just couldn’t listen to him talk about Tony for a second longer.

“Is everything okay, Y/N?” he asked, concern evident in his voice, “You know, you can tell me anything.”

“Just- just forget it, okay? I’m fine, I promise,” you lean over and plant a kiss on his cheek before standing up to go to class, leaving him sitting confused and alone at the lunch table.

Later that afternoon during your free period, you were sketching plans for a new invention when your phone began to buzz on your desk. After throwing an apologetic look the teacher’s way, you slipped out of the classroom before holding the phone up to your ear.

“Peter, I was in class, you know,” you say only half-seriously, smiling a bit.

“Sorry, sorry,” he apologizes, “Um, I was just calling to make sure you’re, uh, okay.”

Your smile falls, the events from earlier that day flashing across your mind. In all honesty, you had been preparing for this phone call, so you knew pretty much exactly what you were going to say. It was simple: you weren’t feeling well and you just needed some sleep, that’s all. Before you could speak, however, a familiar voice speaks in the background of the call.

“Who ya talkin’ to, kid?” the muffled voice of Tony Stark poured into your ear, causing you to freeze in place and blurt a quick ‘i’m fine’ to Peter before hitting the end call button as quickly as possible. You take a moment to control your breathing, your heart beating a million times a minute.

________

Frowning at his phone, Peter pulls it away from his ear and turns to Tony.

“What, girl problems?” he smirks at Peter, giving him a soft punch to the shoulder.

“Yeah, uh,” Peter stutters, “It’s- it’s nothing, let’s keep working.”

Peter doesn’t see Tony’s eyes widen when he sees your name glowing on the top of the screen as he sends you a text telling you to meet him at the coffee shop later. A small picture of you making a kissy face accompanies a million yellow hearts and heart eyes decorating your contact name.

Tony clears his throat as Peter turns off his phone, shifting his focus back to the task at hand.

________

The door to the coffee shop makes a light ding as you open it, the fairy lights strung along the windows illuminating your face in the darkness of the night. You scan the room to see Peter sitting nervously at the table in the corner by the window, the table you two always sit at.

“What’s up Pete?” you say nonchalantly as you take a seat, even though you already know what he’s about to ask.

“Is- is there something you’re not telling me?” he asks, cutting straight to the chase as he looks up at you with his wide, brown puppy eyes.

“I wish I could tell you that everything is fine, Peter,” you sigh, “But I just can’t. And as much as I want to tell you why, I can’t.”

“Why?” his voice breaks, your heart breaking along with it, “Why can’t you tell me?”

“I just can’t,” you whisper, voice raw with emotion.

“If we’re in this together, we have to-” he paused and took a deep breath, lowering his voice a bit since people were beginning to stare, “We have to trust each other, Y/N.”

You remain quiet and fiddle with your hands, unable to force the words out of your mouth. After holding them inside for so long, you didn’t know how to let them out. A squeak from Peter’s chair causes you to look up at him, taking in his cold face as he stands up and looks down at you with disappointment.

“Peter, wait-”

“Talk to me when you’re willing to tell me the truth,” he states before walking out the door, leaving you sitting alone at the table.

________

You didn’t know how long you sat at that table before you went home, tears streaming down your face. When you walked into the house, your mom was already in bed, so you quietly snuck into your room and clambered underneath the covers. You didn’t care if you were still fully dressed; you needed to sleep and forget about the events of today for just a little while.

No matter how long you sat there with your eyes closed, sleep never took you away. You were stuck in bed, replaying your conversation with Peter over and over again in your head until you were sick of thinking about it.

“Ughhh,” you groan, sitting up and rubbing your face before murmuring to yourself, “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

Sliding out of bed and into your vans, you tiptoe through your house and close the door gently behind you, not wanting your mom to know you left the house so late. With a quick glance at your phone, you note that it’s nearing 1 am, so Peter would most likely be asleep. Whatever, you think to yourself, pulling your hoodie sleeves down over your hands to protect against the cold as you make your way towards his apartment.

When Peter open the door, it’s clear that he’s been crying, which shatters your heart.

“Couldn’t sleep either?” you try joking, but he doesn’t seem to return the sentiment.

Cracking jokes at a tense time? The Stark in you was really starting to shine through.

“Why are you here?” he replies, his nose and cheeks tinted pink from the amount of tears he had shed, while yours were tinted from the cold.

“Peter, you have to understand that I- I want to tell you everything, but i just can’t,” you try to explain, the desperation clear in your voice.

“I don’t even know what to say, Y/N,” he exasperates, opening and closing his mouth a few times before letting out all the words he’d been trying to find, “I don’t know what’s up with you, but you’ve been so different lately. You’ve pulled away from me ever since I told you about Spiderman and the Stark Internship. I invite you to things, really cool things like working in a lab with Tony Stark, because I care about you and I want to share these experiences with you and you just- just blow me off like it’s nothing to you! I don’t know why you never want to talk about the internship with me or go on visits-”

“BECAUSE HE’S MY DAD, PETER!” you finally yell, not caring if you wake up the neighbors.

“W-what?” he stutters, eyes going wide.

“Because he’s my dad and he left me and I cannot stand to think about him, let alone talk about him, okay? There. That’s the big secret, and now you know it. Are you happy now?” you snap, finally putting your truth out into the open.

Instead of answering, Peter stands there shocked, hurt filling his gaze.

“Pete?” your voice is quiet now, worried you’ll scare him off because of the look in his eyes.

“I think you should go,” his voice is soft, cracking with emotion at the end of his sentence.

“Wait-”

“Go.” his gaze hardens before he shuts the door in your face, sliding down the other side of it as another round of tears spill down his cheeks. He felt so betrayed; how could you ever keep a secret like that from him?

You stand there for a moment, numbness spreading across your whole body. That wasn’t the reaction you were expecting, but it was definitely the one you feared the most. You didn’t even register that you were walking down the hallway, lost in thought about how Peter would most likely break up with you.

You’re going to lose the person you loved the most.

And you can’t let that happen.

Suddenly, it was like everything was clear again. Before you can take another step down the stairs, you spin on your heel and run back up to Peter’s door, knocking.

And knocking.

And knocking.

“Peter, please let me in,” you plead, leaning your forehead against the door as you continue to knock, wishing that he would just open the door.

With a sigh, you lean back and slide your phone open, going to his contact in your messages. One tap later, you take note of the small dot that reperesents Peter moving quickly across the map.

“Fuck,” you breathe, sliding your phone into your back pocket and running back down the hallway. There was only one place he could be going; the place you never thought you’d return to.

Much to your surprise, you only hesitate for a moment once you’re outside of the tower before running inside and demanding to be let up.

“I need to get upstairs!” you urge, giving the very tired receptionist an exasperated look.

“The tower is closed, Ma’am,” she repeats, annoyance clear in her voice, “You can come back tomorrow during our work hours.”

“Please…” you take a glance at her name tag, “Katy. Please, I need to get up there and talk to Tony.” “If you don’t leave the premises, I’ll have to call security,” she warns, reaching for her phone.

“No!” you reach out towards her and she raises an eyebrow at you, “I mean, please, I’m begging you. Just call Tony and tell him that Y/N Y/L/N is here to see him and he’ll let me up.”

“I’m sure that he’s asleep-”

“I can guarantee that he isn’t,” you pressure, leaning over the counter and giving her the biggest puppy eyes you could muster.

After a few more moments of consideration, she caves, sighing a quick “Alright” before lifting up the phone and speaking quietly into it for a few minutes.

“You’re clear to go,” she gestures to the door, and you catch a small bit of surprise in her voice as she did so. Clearly, she wasn’t expecting Tony to let the random teenage girl from the lobby upstairs.

You walk towards the elevator, heart in your throat as you press the button for the floor that the receptionist told you Tony was on. Each floor you pass makes a small beep, each one elevating your heart rate slightly until the final ding of the elevator rings out.

When the doors open, he’s there.

Tony Stark, the man you hadn’t seen in years.

You stand awkwardly for a moment, frozen in place until finally he coughs and gestures toward the living room, blurting out a quick “Pete’s in there.” Giving him a simple nod, you walk past him and began walking down the hallway, nervous to see Peter because of what he might say to you.

As your nerves begin to build, your pace begins to quicken as well, growing from a casual walk into a full on sprint. After what seems like an eternity of running, you finally slide to a stop in the doorway, trying to catch your breath as Peter’s head jerks up to look at you with red, puffy eyes.

“Peter, I-”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” he falters, looking you straight in the eyes. You can’t hold eye contact with him, so you stare at the ground as he continues, “It was so, so hard to tell you about Spiderman. Did you know that? Did you know how hard that was for me? I trusted you with that huge secret, Y/N, yet you couldn’t tell me something as- as little as this.”

At those words, you jerk your head back up, raising your eyebrows at him. You can tell that he regrets the words as soon as they come out, but you can’t just let it go.

“Woah, woah, woah, Peter,” you feel the anger begin to rise within you, “this is not ‘little.’ Just because it isn’t some sort of secret identity superhero reveal doesn’t mean it isn’t a huge part of me. It’s almost impossible for me to talk about, so for you to say that it’s ‘little’ really fucking hurts.”

“That’s not-” he takes a deep breath, “That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean, Peter?” you cross your arms, waiting for an explanation.

“Mr. Stark is one of the most important people in my life. He’s helped me with so much and I don’t know where I would be right now without him. Probably dead, to be honest. At this point, he’s my father figure, you know? And I just can’t believe you kept something like this from me for so long. It hurts that you didn’t trust me with it, especially when I’ve trusted you with so much in my life.”

“You think that this didn’t hurt me too, Peter?” you retort, “You think that keeping this secret from not just everybody, but you, the person I love most, was easy? It was so so fucking hard to hear you talk about him every day, Peter. It was so hard to pretend like I was busy every time you invited me to things or like every time you spoke his name it wasn’t like a knife was being shoved into my chest, because he’s giving you the love he could never find in himself to give me. I understand that he’s your father figure, Peter, but he isn’t mine. I’m so happy that he loves you, but it’s really hard to hear about that when I know that he never loved me.”

You wipe away tears that you didn’t know you’d been shedding until that moment before whispering, “I never meant to hurt you, Peter.”

He was looking down at his shoes, so you had no idea what he was thinking or feeling. All you wanted was for him to say something, anything, in reply. At this point, you were ready for anything he threw at you.

“He talks about you, you know.”

Okay, maybe you weren’t ready for that.

“W-what? I don’t- How do you know that?”

“I-I never knew it was you until now. I always assumed that he just kept his kid a secret from the world for their own sake, which I guess is actually somewhat true,” he swallowed harshly, “I guess your mom keeps him updated on your life because he always talks about how smart and accomplished his kid is. He’d tell me about how they won the science fair when they were only in third grade and were competing against middle schoolers, or how they’d scored a major internship that only five kids were awarded nationwide. I must be pretty thick since I never put the pieces together until now, but Y/N, he does love you. He loves you and he’s so, so proud of you, even if you don’t know it.”

“Then why- why didn’t he ever tell me?” you ask, unable to comprehend everything Peter just told you.

“Because-” he pauses for a moment, thinking, “Because, if you didn’t want anything to do with him, he probably knew that and stayed away because he didn’t want to upset you. At least, I’m assuming that’s why.”

You take a minute to take everything in, reconsidering everything you’ve ever thought about your father. All this time, you might’ve been wrong about him. Looking back on it, you can remember times when your mom would attempt to talk to you about the situation, but you’d always refused, not wanting to even think about him after what he’d done. 

But now? Now, you were willing to listen.

“I’ll be back,” you blurt out before running out of the room, pushing all thoughts about Peter to the back of your mind as you search for the person you need to talk to the most.

When you find him, he’s sitting on the steps of a staircase with his head in his hands, looking rather gloomy.

“Uh, Tony?” you clear your throat awkwardly and Tony looks up at you slowly, not believing his own ears when he hears your soft voice addressing him.

“Oh, hey kid,” he says calmly, attempting to brush off any nervousness, “So, you and Spiderling, huh? I gotta admit, I didn’t see that coming. Didn’t think that kid could love anything more than he loves his homework-”

“Tony,” you tentatively place a hand on his arm for a moment before pulling away, effectively stopping his rambling. While he was talking, you’d managed to make your way up to sit next to him on the stairs. “I-I want you tell me what happened.”

“Well, it all started when I met your mom at a bar-”

You give him a look and he closes his mouth, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.

“You know what I mean.”

“Why do you want to know?” he asks, genuinely confused as to why you were suddenly open to discussion after so long, “After all these years, why now?”

“Because,” you pause, trying to find the right words, “I think I’ve had the wrong picture in my head my whole life. Why we left, why you never called. All of my assumptions have caused a lot of hurt for so many people in my life, and I just want to know the truth now.”

He nods, taking a deep breath before explaining everything to you. When you were born they kept everything a secret from the press, wanting to give you as normal of a life as possible before you were inevitably discovered. However, the older you got, the harder it was for them to keep you a secret. They could continue to keep you hidden for your entire life, but what kind of life would that be? Limited to the confines of the tower, never allowed to see anyone outside of immediate family. After plenty of long, solemn discussions, your parents decided that it was best for you to move away with your mom. Tony would rather see you grow to your full potential from afar than near him and weighed down by the burden of fame. 

And just like that, everything suddenly makes sense to you. While you knew it would take time to grow back into a father-daughter relationship again, you also knew it was something that you were determined to accomplish someday.

After the conversation dies, you sit quietly with him for a few minutes. As you sink into the comfortable silence, a sudden thought crosses your mind, it’s urgency causing you to jump to your feet.

“Wait- how did you knew Peter and I were dating?” you blurt out, turning to look at the amusement in Tony’s eyes.

“Saw your name on the kid’s phone. It had lots of little heart emojis by it, so I assumed,” he shrugs, smirking slightly.

“Speaking of Peter, I should, uh, probably go back and talk to him,” you begin to walk down the steps, nearly making it to the doorway before Tony yells after you.

“Hey, keep it PG!” he shouts, shooting you a wink when you turn over your shoulder.

Shaking your head, you try to wipe away the smile creeping up on your face as you turn back around and make your way back to the boy you love.

Once back in the living room, you’re surprised to find that Peter is nowhere to be seen. You’re about to pull out your phone and give him a call when suddenly, you’re attacked with a hug from behind, a yelp falling from your mouth.

“Peter!” you laugh, melting into his arms, “You scared me!”

“Mmm,” he mumbles, giving you a tight squeeze before letting go and spinning you around to look you in the eyes, “Where’d you run off to?”

“I, uh, talked to my dad,” you explain, finding it a bit odd to call him Dad after so long.

His gaze softens as he tucks a strand of hair behind your ear, “And how’d it go?”

“Pretty good, actually,” you admit, a bit surprised yourself by how smoothly it went.

“Listen, I never apologized for earlier,” he says quietly, guilt shining in his eyes, “It was wrong of me to ever say those things-”

“Shh,” you put a finger to his lips, “Yes, you may have said some things you shouldn’t have, but you were rightfully upset and I know you didn’t mean them. I’m sorry for hiding this from you for so long. Even if Tony and I weren’t talking, you still had a right to know about my past, because it’s what makes me who I am today.”

“But-”

“No buts, Peter. We’re both at fault here. Communication is key, and we both kinda failed in that area. We can talk more about this tomorrow if you want, but I’m exhausted and in need of some ice cream. Care to join me?”

Smiling, you grab his hand and try to pull him in the direction of the elevator. Instead, you were jerked backwards, shooting him a glare when you realize that he has planted his feet into the ground to prevent you from going any further.

“Actually, I have a much more efficient way of getting there….” he grins, wrapping his arms around your waist and carrying you over to the balcony outside.

“Peter, oh my god, I am NOT going to do this- AAAAA!” you scream and close your eyes as he jumps over the edge, letting your bodies fall. Your arms wrap tightly around his shoulders as he holds you close, swinging from building to building with ease. (You could’ve sworn you felt him laugh at you.)

Before you knew it, your shrieks of terror turn into shouts of glee as the wind rushes by your face. Peter assumes that you’ve gotten used to the sensation of flying through the air as he takes a quick glance at your now open eyes and wide smile. However, the real reason you’re no longer afraid was because of a single thought that crosses your mind as your hair whips around your face.

Nothing, not even swinging high above the city in the dead of night, was as scary as losing the people you loved most.

taglist (+ a few people i think might enjoy this, feel free to ignore!);

@minnie-marvel @quxntumvandyne @lokis-sunflower-anna @cynicallystiles @laurfangirl424 @misslunala @secondsineternity @peter-prkers @sighspidey @signed-potato @lokiislowkeyhot @highlady-ofthe-summercourt @0captain-marvel0 @delicately-written @thefallenbibliophilequote @tohollandback @buck-ets @newtimewriter @thedaughterofdawn @lltrashll @paradoxparker @propertyofmarvel @sagebrandy-loves-pancakes @flaminghottaquito @marvel-galaxy @moonkissedtom @yoinksholland @futzingclint @lokiismischief @whycantwebefriendz @hedwigthelegend @yellowkenyon97 @casuallytumblingdownthestairs  @yelyahryan @em-aesthe @peter-parker-fyeah @screechingtacoglitter @candycornparker @smexylemony @sleepybesson @hollandroos @spiderboytotherescue @starsholland​ @pumpkinsandparker

[tipsygnostalgix]

as you guessed it I just binge watched all the episodes currently available from the owl house and I have sooo many feelings !!!!! first of all im 23 so this is from the perspective of someone who lived through luz age and whos about to live if not already living the things eda is going through and I feel strongly related to both of them.

lets start with Luz , okay first of all Luz is me at 14 15 16 obsessed w magic and books and shit but also a trouble maker and hungry for knowledge and adventures and finding love and friendship , obviously if I would have watched something like this at that age I would have felt waaay less lonely also I have adhd and something very important is, apart from being a weirdo and a nerd, Luz doesnt know what magic path to choose from, she wants to learn everything !!!! and so did I at that age and, as I said earlier, this is something I relate to Eda as an older ADULT person as well (and something eda sees in luz) who has had to drop out of university many times and who tried to fit in many DIFFERENT caarers bc, as eda, im kinda good at everything and I dont want to do just one thing... anyways, LUZ shes soooo important for kids like me!!! or like eda, it's so important to show someone like her she makes you feel so hopeful, like people like me have more oportunities now and I also headcanon her a nb cuz im nb and she acts exactly like me so my inner kid feels validated a L O T

now eda, shes a mess im a mess but im getting my shit together i swear!! eda represents me in a very personal level, her curse, her experiences w life and people, her loneliness, her mistakes and how she deals w them is all too familiar. first her curse, well i am an alcoholic since i was like 16 and last year it got rly bad cuz well im getting old, my body and my brain cant process it the same way as when I was 18 where I could just keep drinking forever and feel fine so I had a lot of moments when I blacked out and I started forgetting the stuff I did and the stuff that happened around me making it unsafe for me and for the people around me ofc so that got ugly and hopfully nothing too bad or violent has happened but my body cant take it anymore, making me feel just like Eda when she gets tired or when she becomes that demon thing and then she feels like she got a hungover and doesnt remembers what happened and things just keep getting worst and worst but she doesnt ask for help bc she doesnt wants to worry her love ones and shes in charge of her life and the only person who wants to help her is her family but at the price of giving up who she is and wants by joining a coven so yeah. Eda. I love her very much okay? shes flawed but shes a role model and she wants to do right by luz!! and king!!!

okay im going to mention amity cuz the way she acts around luz???? totally the way I acted when I had my first high school crush who was also bi and super awasome and inspiring as Luz so I get the struggle girl but just tell her you like her!!!!! it sounds rly hard but if you put it out there and risk it its better than hiding it! trust me, and thats my advice for all those little amitys out there going thru it . j u s t t e l l h e r .

oh also I have a son named king ass well its my totodile plushie and I love him so thats rly cool too lol now this is where u see im just a crazy person like eda

[hcrcwitz]

back at it with bby #2! (but not #2 in my heart). again pls....HMU or LIKE THIS to plot!!

❝   jake gyllenhaal.  cismale.  he/him.   ❞   ━    𝕝𝕒𝕜𝕖𝕧𝕚𝕖𝕨  welcomes  calvin hyde  with  open  arms.  the  thirty-seven  year  old  funeral director has  been  living  here  for  thirty-seven years,  give  or  take.  on  a  good  day,  they  seem  the  clever  &  self-reliant  type,  but  their  taciturn  &  irritable tendencies  shine  through  when  there  are  no  taxis  into  the  city. 

ok so, cal has lived in lakeview for his entire (sad) life. he’s the only child of two (now retired) high school teachers and he has always been the little emo shit ball he is today.

he was that weird little white kid who would like......burn ants and shit with a magnifying glass probably. he was definitely an annoying little shit who had no friends & he thought it was because he was a LOSER but it was actually because he was just kind of rude???

he wasn’t actually THAT bad he just wanted to be left alone and he kind of made that fact known. it was also kinda hard for him to be the son of 2 teachers at his school u know??? he just hated school & wanted ppl to leave him ALONE.

probably only had like 3 friends but he would spend his lunches and free periods just reading outside no matter the weather.

his earliest memory is of his grandpa’s funeral and he’s been very interested in death ever since? LMAO. not in like....a whack serial killer ted bundy kinda way but more in like a.........isn’t it kinda weird that u have to stare at ur dead grandpa before he gets put in the ground kinda way????

but he never rly thought abt it in terms of a career until he started dating his first gf in high school. her dad was a funeral director and he was like 👀 yo this mans is COOOOL AF

it got to the point where he would spend more time with his gf’s dad than his actual gf bc....he is a FREAK and even though they broke up eventually, cal went to work at his funeral home right after high school & became his apprentice. a few years later & he was working at the funeral home full time as a licensed embalmer & funeral director!

he’s been there ever since and tbqh he is a complete workaholic. ppl die every day man he’s always busy, on call 24/7, helping families arrange burials and funerals and all that jazz. he much prefers the embalming and paperwork side of his job where he can work alone in peace. comforting grieving families is absolutely exhausting and it’s taken a toll on him. the mans needs a VACATION he’s never been sis...................he needs some sunlight. he needs some milk :/

his HERO and MENTOR has since passed (cal handled the funeral himself, ofc) and the funeral home was passed down to him, so he is now also the owner & manager. 

he was married once upon a time!!!!!!!! he loved his wife v much but he is very bad at communicating and expressing his feelings and he tends to busy himself with work when things get tough so whenever they had a fight, he would disappear and just work work work. they were together for four years before they separated and eventually divorced. 

now he is just.............alone. with his cat, gomez.

my boi....

again, he likes to be alone. he is kind of awkward, kind of anti-social, just generally uncomfortable around ppl, especially if he doesnt know them. he’s pleasant enough but he just would rather not meet new ppl if he doesnt have to LMAO.

he is ALWAYS tired. the man doesnt sleep, let me tell u. doesn’t help that he’s always drinking coffee tbh. he can stop whenever he wants he just....doesnt want to.........

bc he is so tired he is also very easily irritated & quite snappy. he is just kind of negative & rude & grouchy & snappy and i am so sorry for him.

but is he lonely???? absolutely. the mans has convinced himself he needs a solitary life and yet............sir??? something is missing?????? what is it??????

all he can do is cuddle his cat & then get upset when that lil shit yeets away bc a cat cannot be contained. 

very out of touch w his emotions and likes to pretend he is a robot who feels nothing. not to be depressing af but honestly........catch him at like 4am in bed crying bc the weight of his JOB and his CRUSHING LONELINESS catches up to him sometimes 

then he watches a stupid movie and feels better

he’s playin himself

he is VERY bad at dating and relationships and flirting!!!! he’s very oblivious to flirtation tbh. u can straight up offer to suck his dick and he’d be like “oh they’re just being nice!!!!” how he managed to have a wife is beyond me but he did!!!!

he’s.....lowkey soft (but dont tell him that :/ )

what else can i say

likes 2 read

especially likes 2 read when he’s havin a bubble bath

he is not sure if he wants to get married again. also not sure if he wants to have kids ever (even tho he is soft around them). the grown ass man just doesnt rly know what he wants??? and that is Okay. life is confusing sometimes, man. 

he rly does love his cat

doesn’t rly drink alcohol bc his family has a history of addiction but he does smoke shame cigarettes when he’s stressed

all black everything, always. looks emo all the time bc he is.

he be lookin sleek tho, he’s v good at keeping himself well-groomed

smart af yet somehow still a clown :/

[naturalbornlesbian7]

I am sad

Okay, I am actually against any negative in all it's forms, but I feel like the loneliest creature in this world and I really have noone to share my thoughts with. So I am going to vent here since I dont have many followers so I think it almost won't bother anyone, well except these 78 people who do follow my blog. That's is why I warn you, dont read it if you dont wanna feel sad!!!

So, where were we? I AM SOO FREAKING SAD AND LONELY,I FEEL LEFT OUT AND ABANDONED. I HAVE LITERALLY ZERO PEOPLE IRL WHO NOW THE REAL ME AND WHO UNDERSTAND ME.

Right now these things make me feel terrible the most:

-the fact that I will never ever come out and noone will ever know who I am. I will just live my whole life appearing straight to everyone and this is exhausting.

-the fact that I will never be able to live an authentic lesbian life and experience it in its fullest. I will never be able to fulfill my attraction to women in real life. My maximum is just anonymous posts on tumblr where noone knows who I am.

-the fact that I will never neither experience true love nor true friendship. I am just here all by myself. There is literally zero possibility that I could have a future gf/wife. I am so floored by the fact that all my straight friends be like "when I get a bf" or "when I finally marry" like wow...someone just lives here out there with the confidence that they definitely will have this experience. They don't even question it.

-the fact that this whole world is basically designed for straight people and there is no place for people like us. I am an outsider here. Even when I try to fit in and act as a straight girl, it shows. It shows that I am different. It is noticeable in the moments when I can't properly discuss boy crushes with my best friends or talk about dating and stuff. It is noticeable because even though I can hide my attraction to women as long as I want to, I still can't hide my lack of attraction to men. I couldn't care any less about them and I can't make myself pretend I am interested in them. And sometimes people see it and I feel weird.

I know,I know. I don't have to be that pessimistic and maybe its not that bad. But I am still sad! Let's face the truth: being a lesbian in this world is just a burden. I really love who I am and I embrace it. But being who I am comes with the price. I should pay for being a lesbian with my loneliness,my suffering,my isolation,my sadness etc..

I know,I know. Many people say "you dont have to focus on finding the one, just love yourself and dont worry about it. You can be on your own." And those people are absolutely right. Well,I do love myself, and my life is centered around noone but me. I realise it completely that I dont need a partner and that if I lived almost 18 years in this planet without kissing anyone or holding anyone's hand, I can manage to live my whole life alone. There is nothing wrong with being alone and in fact, it might be even healthier to be alone than in a realtionship. BUT I CANT GET RID OF THIS SADNESS AND ITS FRUSTRATING. I mean it lasts already for 3 years, ever since I realized that I am a lesbian. I think its abnormal that these sad thoughts are following me everywhere and usually when something bothers me it takes maximum 6 months and when the problem is no longer valid. I used to remind myself when I feel down that it wont last forever, I will find a way to fix it.

But it appears to me that this is not the case. . I need to deal with my loneliness. I need to embrace it. I am in a desperate need for help.But I dont know where I could get it. I have noone to talk to about such things. I have never in my entire life was brave enough to pronounce the world "lesbian" in front of other people. And I understand that I am the only one who could help me. Because nobody will help me, I should go through this on my own. If only I knew how...

I hate it. The fact that human beings are social creatures who naturally crave love and affection. My mind understands that these are so stupid and insignificant things. 21 century is a time of selfishness, of a healthy narcissism. We should strive to be a better version of ourselves every day and we should not chase other people. But my heart...It says different things. It longs for love and understanding, for deep bonding,connection with people. I hate it.

I am so sad. During the day I am very positive and laugh a lot, and actually have a great time but in the evening when I come home I cry. I dont think its healthy to cry so much..I wish I could stop being sad so often.

Okay, I am done crying and venting. Now, back to positive stuff and casual lesbian posts! Everything will be okay hopefully! Even though this sadness lasts already for so long, there will be an end to this one day. It cant last forever. It will be okay!

[kuriboo]

if i don’t get it out i’m not going to be able to sleep but i have nowhere good on my personal server to file this down because i don’t know where  and i dont have a good system for this so you know what fuck it

i know i’m supposed to accept my emotions and not dwell on them but i hate feeling like this. i hate feeling like this! i hate feeling left out of everything! i hate feeling like a burden! i hate feeling like no one wants me around! my brain is so convinced that that’s the case! it’s not! it’s frustrating and makes me feel bad for no reason! parts of me feel sad about it and there’s a part of me that feels mad about it even though there’s nothing to be mad about, and there’s parts of me that are so aware this isn’t the case and i’m just trying to get my act together but it’s so hard to here so i just feel like shit. i’m so tired of this. it’s so fucking constant

the longer i’m moved back home again the worse i feel. this place is sucking the life out of me again just the way it used to. but there’s no way i’m going to be able to afford living on my own right now. i’m fucking stuck here and it’s going to kill me

i’m just.............so lonely

i just feel so alone all the time

and i see people do literally anything without me and i feel like i’m missing out and i’m being left out and it feels so empty and crushing even though it’s not true

and the longer i’m here the shittier i feel and the harder it is to go out

and the easier it is to look at everything and be like...............they’re better off without me anyway, why would anyone want me around, no one wants me anyway, etc

and a part of me resents people over literally nothing 

why is life so hard

why does everyhing feel bad

if you’re reading this.....just please pretend you didn’t. everything’s great! everything’s fine! i’ve been repressing this for years i  can continue to act like nothing’s wrong so it’s fine! i just needed to get it out so i could cry and move on. nothing to see here! my brain’s just stupid and incorrect and wrong so it’s not worth anyone else thinking about. now that i’ve acknowledged it i just need to get my emotions back in check and stop having bad feelings based on my perception of myself as subhuman and therefore worthless, because that’s not healthy but that’s a whole other bag of worms! haha! we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it

i just have to take care of the uncomfortable emotions first before i hurt someone else with them because if i get hurt that’s fine but if someone else gets hurt that’s unforgivable and i just. ugh it’s hard to explain

obviously being in pain isn’t okay but it’s at least normal. i know there’s a lot of things i literally can’t deal with. this is the tip of the iceburg. loneliness is something i can handle, and eventually, do something about. 

but everyone’s got their own shit and i’m far from having it the worst off of anyone ever. my problems aren’t even that bad! but inflicting it on anyone else and making anyone else deal with it is unforgivable. people aren’t punching bags, and no one’s my therapist right now. 

see? it’s okay. i’m feeling better now. i let it out. so just. unread this. remove it from memory. admitting you have a problem is the first step to solving that problem, and maybe there’s not much i can do about it right now but that’s actually a good thing. i’m currently busy because i have plans and those plans involve other people i’m already working on it! i just needed to release the emotion

you didn’t see this. 

[arreumddawo]

27/3/21

HIIIIIIIIII, i’ve only blinked and its already MARCH. this time last year, what was i doing? i think i’ve already went for this current job interview and then a while later, the lockdown was announced~ but wow, time really flies huh. *cues the angmoh man blinking gif*

for the most part, i really want to write down the feelings i’ve been feeling (melancholy and loneliness) for the past few days and how i’ve sorted them out internally AND how i just want the future nabilah to just READ this and REMIND HERSELF that everything will be okay. it will be okay you dramatic, overreacting bitch! it will be okay. haha okay lets starteu~

#/melancholy 

i’ve been feeling downcast the past few days. i dont even know where to begin. melancholy as well as feelings of sadness and depression have always been a part of me since 2017 im not gonna lie but lately, these episodes got a little bad despite me trying to keep myself occupied hahah. for the most part, i am just really really afraid of getting older. i really am. its not so much of the “getting older part” which gets to me i guess but its more of how lately, i just want to turn the hands of time and go back to my past when i was 16 in secondary school (heck even primary school) and just live a life where i didnt have to worry about anything except for studying you know? where times were simpler and i was (definitely) happier. i miss wearing a school uniform, i miss only having to worry about my studies, i miss being at home at noon and watching disney channel until i accidentally nap and not understanding trig/physics/chem. oh- what id give to be in my youth again. id do anything. i would study harder and change my whole course of life and hope that i could be someone im proud of. im desperately clinging on to good memories. i terribly miss being young. i really do.

and recently, i feel like im expiring, i feel old (really old) which is funny cos ive only turned 23 BUT the fact will always be that im turning 24 this year (2021) AND its when the bone-crushing realisation of getting old really sinks in (for me). i find myself looking back at my accomplishments (which trust me is little to none) and i just feel like people are accomplishing great things (even at such a young age). there’s nothing in my life where i can truly be proud of. what have you done with your life, nabilah? questions i ask myself everyday. but then again, people would say the past experiences have shaped who i am today and without them, i would’ve been a completely different person WHICH brings me back to the next point. the current me right now who is writing this post is not someone im all that proud of either. i feel like- i feel like im struggling (keyword: struggling) to achieve great things before i turn 30 (and trust me when i say i dont even want to live that long of a life). i’m tired of adulting, of getting old, of having to worry about financial issues, of having to worry about whether i’m at that milestone where everyone expects me to be, of wondering whether im really suited for this field im currently working in. im aware that it may be very shallow of me to think this way considering that there are some people in their 30s who will probably read this, laugh at me and say “you’re still young + you still have a long way + you still have time to figure out your life” but the FACT is THAT im NOT young! i still have a long time to figure out my life? yeah that is if i plan to live way over my 30s (which i DONT). side note, my biggest fear is actually living a long life. so.. like.. what now?  

#/loneliness

this is a very touchy topic for me considering that i am planning to devote myself to the single life and dying a virgin because i really dont think (keyword: really, really) there’s a man good enough for me out there. even if there is, he lives only in my imagination. and yes, as embarrassed as i am to admit it, YES i do feel lonely at times. honestly, i really thought that loneliness is something im able to handle really well considering that ive been single.. what? my whole life? LOL HAHAHAH (its true. sucks to be ugly.) but yeahhhh as of late, during times when things get hard at work and i start tearing up in public transport on the way home, when home doesnt feel like home anymore, when the world conspires against me... i look up and wonder @God, “don’t i deserve someone who i can talk to, who loves me for who i am, who doesnt mind the mess i am?” ok that was abit cringey but yeah i used to be ashamed of secretly wanting someone special despite swearing to the single life BUT thats just how it is! and honestly i feel that humans are not psychologically meant to be lonely, that is why we’ll always crave for a partner (even if we dont need one). but all that aside, its not like im going to even try and find one (like i said, there is no one good enough for me out there) and i absolutely detest the idea of getting married and having kids so i will have to suck this lonely feeling up and just live. for the most part, i just wanted to point out how lonely this adult life can be.

side note: its really great that i have a really good support system (my siblings and friends), so yeah.. i’m really grateful for that<3.

things i want the future nabilah to read (now that i have come to terms with these feelings):

phew that was a rollercoaster now wasnt it. now that you’ve typed all that and acknowledged what you feel, i have a few things to say to you.

i just want you to know that you are (as much as you dont want to hear this or dont believe in this), you are doing well (at least the future you reading this wont look back and be embarrassed of who you were). you may not have done well for o’s, may have slacked a bit during poly and uni and regret everything academic wise (and yes personality wise) but always remember that, these things do not define the authentic real you. not getting into a local university and not achieving greater things in life during your youth, these are trifle things that you shouldnt be ashamed of or even beat yourself up about. after all, they dont matter in the afterlife?? so like, stop it. its not like you can go back to the past and change it, you only have control of the present and thats WHAT you have to work on. as tough as it may be, as much as you refuse to get old, the harsh reality is that you have to and you will. you have a degree and you’re getting experience working in the field you have always been curious about and you’re on your way to get a another diploma under your belt. you’re really doing the most if i must say??. and you’re so lucky to be able to love what you studied and do what you like. off track and a side note, i wanted to tell you that i woke up today feeling a tremendous shift in me (and i really honestly think its because of the conversations i had with zim, bff and syiqs the past consecutive days). but i honestly woke up feeling excited at what i have to offer the world. you may not be the prettiest and the smartest but the amount of love you have (and willing to give) in your heart, the feelings of empathy you’re capable of and the change you want to make in lives.. these are things that define you and you can do just that. there are times where you will definitely feel afraid and wonder if you’re doing the right thing but as long as you keep reminding yourself of your morals and values, i think you’re pretty much on the right track. 

and i know, i know you hate yourself more than anything else in this world. the face you see in the mirror and the horrible things you feel inside you, your dumb thoughts and all that but i really pray that in the years to come, you’ll grow to be kinder to yourself (and definitely the people around you). be kinder to yourself and have courage to face your flaws and work towards being a better person everyday. be kind to everyone (especially your parents) and just have a little faith that you can go through many hurdles in your life. you cannot do everything but you can do some great things and that is enough. i dont have to remind you that everything here and now in this world is just temporary right? remember the podcast you heard yesterday? true happiness will be in the afterlife, inshaAllah. death will come for you, you just have to be patient and never forget to work towards the afterlife. also dont feel too lonely. ultimately, you know you dont have the mental capacity for things like marriage and having kids and all but dear nabilah, if you get lucky and love comes to you one day through Allah, i hope that you dont close your doors firmly shut to it and embrace it if you may (only run when the guy proposes cos u aint got no time for that). last but not least, please never let go of good memories. cling on to them and let them be attestations of your kindness and love. always be kind and always try to be better for the people around you. i hope you’re smiling as you read this, i hope you’re proud of who you have become and i hope that you continue to always remind yourself of amazing person you are, despite all that you went through. 

- 23 year old nabilah (technically 24 this year but hey SUCK IT TIME IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT)

[the-mf-bread-babies]

loneliness </\///\|/3

a fic by rocco wulfram north, m.d.

(found that name on hardcore baby names)

–chmapter jop–

before the tríp

It was a normal day for the Skullsmashers: go to somewhere, kill people, be gay, sleep, get brunch. Right now was the first part of their daily routine, and they were getting ready for it.

“holy fuck nova could you hurry the shit up i have to brush my fucking teeth you bitch” Ace hissed, knocking repeatedly on the bathroom door. “Fuck You. I'm Going To Go To Hell Itself” Nova gargled back, mouth full of mouthwash. More banging was heard; the door had seen better days.

Several feet away was Jake, all dressed up and ready to go, waiting for the others to get ready. He sat on the couch gayly in the living room down the hall, scrolling through Apocalypse Twitter. ‘every day i throw down an unpeeled boiled egg from the rooftop to simulate fear and unreadiness’ he read, a tweet from Orc's account. What the fuck. Classic Orc.

“ah fuck !! am i late !!” Jake turned around to see Damon panicking and counting the daggers in his pockets. “no no not at all. i just get ready really quickly to throw everyone into a state of disarray” Jake replied in an honest, monotone voice. “come sit down”

Damon sat down nervously next to his captain, knowing he'll ask him for Bambi on the PS2 now. “look. look at them those dumbshits” Jake uttered, pointing to Ace and Nova arguing. “those little bastards are completely unaware that ive put a fake cockroach puppet in the mirror. watch now” he added, pulling out a cheap remote control and pressing a button.

*sound of glass breaking* Jake sighed. “okay maybe that wasn't really the best idea” Nova screamed, running out of the bathroom and confusing Ace. “Fucking Roach!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she yelled, already too far away from them to be heard clearly. “huh. well okay then!” Ace grinned, going into the bathroom.

“i'll guard. you do your thing okay? :-)” Damon said to Jake, smiling mischievously. Jake's heart skipped a beat as he was suddenly flustered by the killer's action. «oh god, shit's just gonna get more complicated from here» he thought, staring into nothingness.

Damon braced himself against the bathroom door, eager to hear Ace's chaotic screaming. “ready ??” Damon asked, sending Jake back to the real world. “hhuh??????? oh yea right” he mumbled before beginning to control the cockroach with the remote. “this shit cost me like 200 bucks so it better be worth it”

HOLY MOTHER OF

F U C K

JAKE JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

WHAT THE S H IT DUDE

ace will remember this.

Jake cackled loudly, rolling on the floor and hitting the table with his fist. “LMAOOOOK FUCK YOUUU” he yelled, angering Ace even more. “I WILL GODDAMN SKIN UOUR FUCKIGN ISTINEDSTINES OLD MAN I SWEAR TKC FUCKF” they yelled back, pushing the door repeatedly. “IM GOIND TO FUCKIGN DIR HERE YOU BITCH”

“ah . ace ? could you move a little please ? i'm trying to get in ?” Damon said annoyingly kindly, making Ace jab a fake knife through the space between the door and the doorway. “THIS IS THE BEST FUCKIGN KNIFE I HAVE ON ME RIGT NOW BUT PLEADR JSUT FUCK O F F”

“hm ... i'll have to check in with the blacksmith today to know what this one's worth... possibly rusted here, though.... could also just be dirt tho.....” Damon mumbled, examining the knife. “FUCKING HEL P” Ace yelled in distress, his breath seeping through the door. “ace. brush your fucking teeth that's disgusting.”

“IM FUCKIF D TRYINF THERES JUST A FUCKGIFN ROSCH HEREERF” Ace explained fearfully, trying their best to get some pity from the other. “a what ?? don't think we have those here” “A FUCKIFN COKROSKC” “corrosion ???? how bad” “FUCK YOU A GODDMAND COKCROACH” “girls?? what?? are they milfs??” “HOW THEE DFUCKDB DID YEOU HEAR FTHAY WHATS DUCUNESKRHI”

Jake's hand slapped against Damon's shoulder as a way of saying thanks. “good work out there soldier. us skullsmashers really need someone like you damon” He said confidently, disguising his flirting as a compliment. “cool !! you too man !!” The shorter man replied, completely unaware of the flirting and continuing to yearn for the mutual love between him and Jake. fuckin idiots lmao

“alrighty fuckers, let's move!”

Rachel's voice sent Ace and Nova into a panic, making them scram to look for their weapons and equipment. “Got everything ya need? W'ain't makin' any stops; tryin'a save fuel.” Shaw asked, leaning against the wall at the entrance menacingly. “When the fuck did you even come here.” Dennis asked in surprise, carrying suitcases. “Hmph. Man never tells his secrets, young man.” She replied, tilting her cowboy hat. “What…”

Aaron was sitting peacefully in the trunk of a pickup truck they had, only to be met by a large backpack to the face. “ah!!!!!!!! very sorry!!!!!!! we'll be going in separate vehicles, and trunk space is very much needed!!!!!!!!” Whitney said, apologizing. “Ah. Well. O-okay then.” Aaron stuttered out, holding back tears from the painful impact the backpack had. Pretty sure he'll get a bruise from that.

Henderson and Rachel were waiting in the front seats of yet another pickup truck. To pass the time, they took very cringey pictures of each other pretending to be on Cowboy TikTok™. “Do one where you're pregnant with the truck's baby!” Henderson suggested, making Rachel flip the bird at her but begrudgingly agreeing with her stupid idea. “i literally would skin you alive.” She spat out, putting a pumpkin inside her shirt. “That's… literally so sexy, babe.” Henderson replied back, taking more pictures.

Meanwhile, Andre was busy explaining to Cyprus, who was in a small glass jar, that forcibly entering Damon's bloodstream and mutilating his entire body was not very nice, with Orc and Sarah judging. “YES BUT UNLIMITED POWER COULD BE RIGHT IN OUR HANDS ANDRE” “That'd very mean of you to do, and could actually probably kill you too in the process.” he explained to deaf ears. Well, technically no ears. Yet. “CYPRUS I KNOW IT SOUNDS STUPID BUT YOU COULD LITERALLY DO THE SAME BUT LIKE IN AN ELEPHANTS BODY DUDE” Orc suggested, only to be ignored. “cmon cyprus just pleaaaaase dont kill ppl ok”

Jake looked outside, then back at Damon. “well guess its time to move!” “yea ... but at what cost.” Damon replied confusingly, making a sad face. “did you know today is…” he started, then regretted saying anything. “nvm…” He turned away from the punk, sniffling and walking to Dennis and Aaron.

“damon” “??” Jake asked quietly, craning his neck a little before making the decision to leave the new recruit alone. Instead, he joined Henderson and Rachel in their odd activities.

“hey guys. i fucking miss sans.” Damon confessed, taking a seat next to Dennis. “My nose is bleeding.” Aaron pointed out. “ok. today's sunday. and you Know what That Means… Meant,” The boy continued, facing the ground. “Kanye West he…” Dennis began (begun???? idk). “… liked.” Aaron continued, also affected emotionally by the departure of not only Sans, but Komaeda too.

Jake stared longingly at the family, wishing he was a part of it too. He truly felt Ariel Little Mermaid's desire to become human. Seven Vagánias… that was a risk he was willing to take for him. He would shave his eyebrows off for that man, and he just might do it right now.

“Jake? Don't do that. Please don't fucking do that.” Henderson suddenly interrupted, surprising Jake. “do what” Henderson squinted her eyes, giving Jake a suspicious look. “That's the face you make when you want to do silly things…” She pointed out.

“You had that when you almost electrocuted yourself at that stable, you had that when you threw the dart at Scoran, you had that when you glued Marcus and Reese–” “OKAY OKAY I GET IT IM A DUMMY SILLY LITTLE BITCH BOY OK”

Rachel put the pumpkin back on the ground and went to the two friends, curious to know what the quarrel was about. “what's poppin gayboy!” She loudly asked, slapping Jake's forearm strongly. “i am in peril and shaking and crying” “daddy issues” “yget?” He explained, gesturing towards the Russells.

“ah. please clarify what kind.” Rachel said, knowing Jake has a very questionable taste for fictional middle-aged men, such as Sigma Overwatch and the guy from the cowboy game. “the fuckin. family one rachel” “look at em just vibing and simply being gay”

Rachel and Henderson gave eachother a look that questioned whether Damon and Jake were going to be a thing or not, since Jake's technically still with Andre. “Considering the fact that they adopted Damon, they could probably also adopt you if you wanted to.” Henderson suggested, knowing Jake wouldn't like this and would stupidly unknowingly accidentally confess his love for Damon to them both right then and there.

“what?????” “ew no thatd be fuckin incest or some shit what the fuck” Jake said, being grossed out. “what would be the incestuous part, jacon. we did not say or hint at anything related to incest.” Rachel asked, making Jake's hair stand up in panic. “fuCKIN NOTHING DUH” “BUT LIKE YKNOW I GET CRUSHES REALLY EASILY YEA??????” Jake explained weirdly.

“So there's a new one right now, huh…” Henderson asked… feeling like she was in Ace Attorney. “no!!!! no wait” “well yea– no.. but i–” “fuck You but yes” Jake grumbled. “ah no, we won't tell, obviously. it was just getting way too obvious, so we just wanted to hear it from both sides.” “WH” Rachel said mysteriously, getting into the driver's seat of the pickup truck. “okay guys let's go!!” She yelled out, starting the engine. “THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN??????” “BOTH SIDES???”

chapter dos

two four trucks

The journey to god knows fuckin where idk didn't plan i guess a fuckin cabin or smth idk was long and torturous, especially when Rachel said that cryptic-ass thing before going. What the fuck was that supposed to mean, bro.

sudden interlude for seating arrangements !!

truck 1: Henderson, rachel, whitney, CYPRUS

truck 2: jake, damon, marge, Andre, Aaron

truck 3: ace, Nova, Dennis

truck 4: sarah, ORC, Shaw, viper

truck two.

Jake awkwardly patted Marge's head in the backseat of the truck, avoiding eye contact with Damon and Andre. Of course he had to go on a three-day trip in the same car with his ex, his crush, AND his crush's father. God, he was pretty sure this was the lab rats' doing.

“cows.” Damon pointed outside, earning Andre's attention. “Holy– what are those?” He asked, taking his sunglasses off to admire the beautiful little cows. “Cows… we drink their milk and wear their skin as jackets…” Aaron explained, his eyes drifting from the road momentarily. “They can have best friends and stuff. Really nice guys. Also, they're expensive as hell.”

“Y–You do what. Their skin??” Andre asked, his voice a pitch higher than usual. “yeah and we rate them based on which layer it is. also, like their meat, expensive as hell. but still very cool.” Damon said, confusing Andre even more. “they also give us cheese and ice cream and whipped cream and stuff. underrated little babies. they deserve better.” “they also have nose rings which are punk as hell–”

“Wait, why the nose– cheese?! Cheese?! AND ice cream??!” Andre asked again, his mind attempting to comprehend the greatness that cows are. “Oh man, you are not ready to hear about pigs.” Aaron said jokingly. “What the fuck are pigs???” “Sausages, ham slices, bacon, lard, leather too, rotisserie–” “aaron please i'm gonna throw up.” “Oh, right. Sorry,”

Jake sat quietly in his seat, just now realising how much of his world Andre's missing. Sure, his world was much cooler, but do they have sheep? Palm trees? Penguins? Thought not, bitch. “andre do you know what a kangaroo is” He asked, breaking his silence like that one YouTuber.

“A what?” “kangaroo. some of them are buff as shit and they move by hopping. they cant hop backwards and they also keep their babies in little pouches attached to them and their bones and guts are exposed on the inside of said pouch. baby kangaroos are about the size of a jellybean, and the adults can box you”

“They what” “yea they're weird as fuck.” “its from australia so” “That sounds fake.” “oh man. wombats bro. quokkas. fuckin drop bears and flying foxes. PLATYPUSES!!!” “wombats poop in cubes and quokkas are always smiling” “Koala bears hold onto tree branches and eat their mom's shit, which is the leaves of said tree branches.” “Please stop what the fuck” “ohoho fucking GEESE” “GET IM JAKE MY NEIGHBOR HAD FUCKIN THREE OF THOSE BITCHES”

truck three.

The three sat silently, with the exception of Dennis, who was swearing at random times. “You call that a fuckin’ turn, old man?! HUH?!!” Ace's shoulders jumped, the sudden exclamations preventing them from sleeping through the trip. “This Is Probably The Last Time We'll See Each Other Alive.” Nova stated calmly. “i slept for like two minutes last night… didn't even get to wear conditioner today. unrelated but just sharing my struggles with you.” Ace said, shifting into a more comfortable sleeping position.

Dennis overheard the two talking, and opted to stay quiet for the rest of the trip, before stumbling across a strange sight. “FROG!!!” he yelled, waking up the duo. “he said fuck! he said the f” Ace yelled out while rubbing their eyes. “Are We Aliven't” Nova asked, stretching. “Sadly, no, but the good news is, I found a frog!” Dennis excitedly said, opening the car door.

“WHAT” “THAT SHITS GONNA POISON US WHAT THE FUCK” Nova yelled out, unfortunately not loud enough for Dennis to hear it. The man kept walking towards the creature that was technically an alien to them, and picked it up with watery hands. “DENNIS YOU'RE GONNA FUCKING KILL US ALL!!!!!!! DENNIS!!!!!!”

“So, you kids know how to handle a frog?” Dennis asked in a wholesome tone, alerting the two even more. “KILL IT KILL IT FUCKING KILL IT” “Oh, are you guys allergic to this little guy? Sorry, I'll put it in the dashboard instead.” “GET ITBOUT WHAT THE FUCK DENNID JESUS” “… Huh?” “POSIOJ DART FOGR” Nova shouted, hiding behind the passenger seat and being pushed by Ace, who was also going to hide there. “BITCH”

Dennis and the frog stared at them in confusion, hearing their horrified screams. “This is… a wood frog… not a poison dart… that one would probably die in this climate…” he explained plainly, his hands gently cupping the newfound friend. “oh. ok” Ace muttered quietly, while Nova maintained an awkward silence. “You can… pat them very softly if you want.” Dennis suggested. “Or spray the shit outta them. That could work too.”

Nova nervously held out her hand to pat the frog, then smiled in succeeding to do so. “Death Quivers Before Me” She said, proceeding to pat it even more. “can i do the spray thing.” Ace asked, their voice quiet as a whisper. “Yeah, sure. Go right ahead.”

*the frog was going to die so technically they didnt like fuck up the ecosystem or smth. do not attempt this irl.

truck four.

“What jolly tunes d'ya have on this here truck. Fellas.” Shaw asked, observing the radio. “uh, really, i don't think it'll be necessary!!!!!” Viper nervously said, only to be ignored. “NONSENSE! ONE'S TASTE IN SHANTIES PROVES TO BE A WINDOW INTO THEIR LIVES.” Orc said wisely, patting them on the shoulder. “i guess that's good advice, but really–”

TWO TRUCKS HAVING SEX. TWO TRUCKS HAVING SEX. MY MUSCLES. MY MUSCLES. INVOLUNTARILY FLEX.

“I SEE. A MATING SONG FOR YOUR SPECIES?” “my truck f### playlist,.,.,.” Viper tried to mute the speaker to no avail as most of the buttons on the control panel were very much broken. “I'm. Very sorry for this, pardner. But this doesn't sound so bad. I could put this in a jukebox…” Shaw consoled, only making them panic more. “im so f#ckig sorry” They said, before smashing the radio with a briefcase.

They all paused for a moment, unsure of what to do. “i have spotify…” Sarah croaked, holding up her phone. “they have lemon demon too, if you want…” She muttered, scrolling through the song choices. “does anyone want to listen to wet a–” “no.” “okay.”

The truck grew even quieter for a while, until Shaw gave a suggestion to pass the time. “Wanna play 20 questions?” “I'll start: how many folks have y'all killed?” Viper gave the assassin a horrified look, confusing her. “I think mine's around 150. No… 145…” She confessed, rubbing her chin. “Wait, or was it 160?”

“like six. do you like girls, and, follow up question, do you also coincidentally like short girls with long hair.” Sarah said without hesitation, stopping Orc from answering the first question. “Yes! I literally have a wife!” Shaw shouted happily, rolling up her sleeves to show Sarah her tattoos. “This one is her setting herself on fire and me getting inspired–” “ah, yes–” “That one was a total cover-up! Previously, it was the names of my exes, all thirteen of them, but now, it's my cat!”

After some time of receiving a bit too much RexShaw lore, Sarah finally got the answer she so desperately needed from Viper. This was the verdict that determines whether she could make a move or not. This answer could change– “i am gay and do not get attracted to women. thank you.” Ah. Back to more hunting. “I am a lesbian! High-five!” Shaw exclaimed.

And finally, the first truck.

truck one.

Loud country music blared in the truck as they drove by the snowy mountains of uhh. Winsnow. Like winter and snow. They had all chosen separate routes in order to cover more land and see if there were any new developments in the area.

“BRANDY!!! FETCH ANOTHER ROUNF!!!!!!” Rachel screeched as she drummed on the dashboard. “AND SHE FJSJS” Henderson kept driving, searching every inch of land for a rest stop to stretch her legs and also listen to something else.

“hendy.” Rachel said, getting her girlfriend's attention. “do you wanna buy that slime that cleans cars and stuff?” Henderson stared into the distance, pondering. “Hm. There's always the possibility of the slime disappearing under mysterious circumstances and turning up in the trash can the next day covered in saliva, so.” Whitney looked away, feeling attacked.

“yeah, that's a problem.” Rachel muttered, her hand instinctually moving to Henderson's. “Please don't crash the car.” She begged, looking sadly at her. “is there a domino's nearby. i heard they have that new peanut butter chocolate lava cake.” Rachel asked, cupping Henderson's face gently.

“Rachel. There's fucking mountains.” Henderson pointed out, gesturing towards their surroundings. “That shit will freeze.” Rachel put her head down in disappointment. “yeah. damn.” “MORE FLESH!!! MORE FLESH!!! MORE FUCKING FLESH!!!”

Oh yeah, Cyprus was here the whole time. “why does the metal say fuck?????” And Whitney too! “MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS. FLESH NEEDED!” Cyprus yelled out, resembling a hungry toddler on a road trip.

“do you want like a burger or something......” Whitney asked, judging the spirit. “FLESH” “like are you more of a kfc or a mcdonalds guy” “NEED FLESH” She gave the couple a look, one that was kind of undecipherable due to her lack of normal face details like eyebrows, visible pupils, etc.

“So, three peanut butter lava cakes and one meat lover's… what else?” “ah!!!!!! no lava cake for me, i'm on a diet!!!!!! dirt and dirt only!!!!!!!!!!! also fish bones as a treat” Whitney corrected, her eyes searching for a nearby body of water. “Or, we could get Cyprus the fish meat, and Whitney the bones.” “sounds good to me!!!!!!!!” “FLESH”

…

“welcome to domino's! can i get your order?”

“three peanut butter lava cakes, please. that's all. thank you.” Rachel said, her seat switched with Henderson's, who was too nervous to order. “okay but they each take like three hours to make” “what.” “yea you can stop by like the grocery store up ahead” “fuck you for ordering this” “i–” “fuck off”

the grocewy stowe

The truck stopped by the front of the building, Rachel telling them to go in first while she searches for a good parking spot. Much to Henderson's disappointment.

“My lover…” Henderson said with fear in her voice. “it's okay… go along… i… i have to do this for you…” “for you all… i won't forget the good that you've done to me and everyone i've ever known…” “Rach, please don't go, I lo–” “you all are the kindest people… heaven may wait eagerly for you, but as for me, the ground trembles for its latest meal. fresh from the oven, i will enter the furnace…” “why the fuck would they cook you again” “because i'm TOAST!!” “haha”

“Kill Ronald Reagan while you're at it… I forgot which one he is but I'm pretty sure he's a total bitch…” “i will meet you doomguy” “heeeeeeeh” Rachel whined weakly as she slowly drove over to the spot she wanted.

MOTHERFUCKER.

A silver Honda Civic quickly made its way into there, angering the scientist. “not on my watch, fucker.” Rachel muttered, sliding the pickup truck across the road. She slammed her palm onto the car horn, which terrified even a murder of crows.

“huh wonder who that is” “hm anyway which fish do u like ???? :-)”

A woman who seemed to be in her late 40s exited the Honda Civic, throwing a rather large and flashy boa around her neck. “Jesús, ít's cold in hère,” The lady commented, putting on a pair of expensive-looking sunglasses. “Márie, come along, ma cheghhy!” (i forgot how to spell it)

oh, son of a B I T C H .

it's the french lady who smells weird.

Of course, seeing your enemy in any circumstance that wasn't planned was clearly a little scary and will probably be your last day alive, but bumping into them at a Target was kinda… awkward.

Both the hazelnut and the dolphin were less armed and armoured than usual, and there weren't any bodyguards or security. Usually, if a top leader goes anywhere, the standard protocol was to do thirty separate background checks on the location and have it guarded up somewhere in the three months before their arrival.

So, obviously, someone in Top 50 driving around town in a decades-old car buying groceries isn't very safe, or probably even legal. Hell, she hasn't even seen them wear anything this ridiculous ever. Could this be a distraction? Or is it an opportunity?

Ah, wait, they're both wearing their stupid little marriage bracelets.

It's the middle of October.

This is their anniversary vacation.

Shit.

in the store

Henderson strolled through the aisles with Whitney at her side, hugging Cyprus's jar. She examined the cereal boxes to make sure they didn't contain any food colouring that could potentially kill her.

Whitney, on the other hand, zoomed over to the meat section, licking her lips at the sight of a raw cod. “cyprus…… do you feel that? the need to devour a being???? the uncontrollable desire for energy that it transcends all laws and regulations placed on mankind?????? the growing hunger for power, one that's so strong it controls your every need????

a natural, primal instinct to become such a brutal being that no one, not even you, recognise yourself anymore. you look at yourself in the mirror and you feel like you want to destroy that, to put yourself onto the pedestal you belong on, to wreak havoc on the cosmos of all beings, living and dead, real and mythical, walking and extinct.

you know that you're the only who understands this instinct, the only one who follows it to this distance. everyone else may underestimate you, but in the end, you'll rise above them all. man's natural instinct is to become the ruler of all.”

“What the fuck, Whitney. Anyway, I talked to the deli guy and he said he could pay you to eat up some scraps if you want. You down?” Henderson asked, her trolley already full of snacks. “yea fuck it man” Whitney replied, walking over to the ‘staff only’ door. “im hungy as fuck”

parking lot.

Despite the growing need to kill the woman, Rachel was managing to control herself. Even though this was the perfect opportunity to eliminate one of them, she knows she'll be replaced by someone much crueler. So for now, she'll just stick to watching this lady consider which can of tomato sauce is better than the other.

Rachel parked the truck near the entrance and the Honda Civic. She kept an eye on the couple as she quietly made her way inside through the back door.

“So thàt's when Í saìd, ‘that's not a cactùs, that's a lámp!” Karén playfully said, her hand entwined with her wife's. Rachel was unsure whether to stalk the two or join her friends in shopping.

WELL, FIND THAT OUT IN THE NEXT PART,

B I T C H !! !! !!

[sniickt]

uHHhhHh hey everyone ! underneath the cut u can read up abt laura h. kinney. there’s two sections, longer headcanons that focus more on backstory not incl in her bio & short headcanons that are just lil #facts, but ill eventually get a history page up or smth so !! this is just for now !! enjoy !!

the first thing that you learn is how to be alone. you learn, or suffer. it is an easy lesson. you suffer more when people are around. people make you feel alone, and loneliness is a quiet wound.

meet LAURA HOWLETT KINNEY ( legally X-23-23 ); the TWENTY ONE year old daughter of LOGAN HOWLETT / THE WOLVERINE, who hails from CANADA onEARTH-TRN414. Here she lived with the remainder of the X-MEN and the other TRANSIGEN KIDS.

short, fun, mostly unimportant headcanons. 

she’s possessive af. like. i mean it, fam. laura comes from a place where like.. food and things are rationed. new supplies have to be gathered, every other week. having material items you’re attached to is a no-no, but if you do, you keep that shit SAFE. it’s a hard habit to break from, so just... don’t mess w her shit, ok. 

there’s not much of a problem at wdu with this stuff, but.. just keep the ever loving fuck away from her w firearms or knives or weapons of literally any description. she don’t mess w that shit, and she won’t hesitate to mess w you for bringing that shit.

also. just. don’t fight her. don’t try it. don’t even think it. i’m 99% sure she smells fear, but 100% sure she does Not go halves in any sort of fight.

she doesn’t have an issue with a ‘trigger scent’ like her comic book self - rather, much like logan, trn414 laura’s issue is with her own rage. when she hits a point of what little patience she has being lost, there’s very little that can pull her from the resulting fury. so just.. try Not to push her buttons. she doesn’t have a lotta patience to begin w, but * captain america vc * son.. just dont

she’s wicked at racquetball

she’s rly fucking bad at emotion, and talking, and being a normal functioning human. the following are some headcanons, based upon that:

laura prefers to work in silence. in fact, she just prefers silence full stop. she can be quite quippy, but.. in fights, she rly is Not, and that’s hugely telling of her characters. she was created and raised to be a weapon - she doesn’t exchange witty comebacks in an actual fight, because she is a machine, and machines don’t talk. they just do. 

she isn’t very good, at feeling things. she’s not very good with emotions, or showing them. and when it comes to crushes, or love and relationships… she’s never experienced either, consciously, and if she ever does she won’t know what they are. she knows that she enjoys sex. it’s a sort of mindless activity that requires little to no thinking about, like murder, and she does enjoy it - but she doesn’t ever really feel anything for the people she’s sleeping with, which is what makes it so easy for her to move on. close connection is hard for her, if not perhaps impossible. i would consider it so, but who knows.

never let her stoic nature fool you - laura is highly intelligent, and certainly wouldn’t have survived as long if she weren’t. she’s best with strategy. fighting is methodical, it’s mindless, it’s easy, but it’s more fun when she’s up against someone who’s a worthy adversary and who makes her really have to think about how to best them. but she’s not, by any means, unintelligent in other areas. if she’d been given a chance, she would have found herself excelling in school subjects. as was, life never allowed her the opportunity to learn like a normal girl her age, until she came here

* katie ryan vc * frickin horses. she loves frickin horses.

laura loves classics. you have to keep in mind, she comes from roughly 2039 ( part of the reason her world is unexplored & her coming here was never considered a chance was bc it’s so far ahead, and such an awful place ), and her access to the modern media and such of the time is limited greatly by eden’s wilderness location, and her own nomadic lifestyle. often, it was only old movies and novels that she had real access too, and she loves them. it didn’t stop with shane for her, and she can quote parts of plenty of old westerns and classic movies/books, and does know quite a bit about the people of the times, if she cared to open up and share as much.

she’s bilingual ( having been taught english by transigen doctors & mexican spanish by the nurses ) and the eden kids varied what they spoke to each other in quite a lot, but she is losing proficiency in her ‘second’ language. she often mixes things up - for example, she’ll remember a word in one language but not in the other, or know a phrase but not its equivalent in the other language - and struggles, especially, in speaking for whole periods of time in the latter. it’s a lack of practice, more than anything. 

laura is not one for sentimental bullshit. none of the transigen kids were. since they never knew their birthdays, only rough estimates, and were never allowed celebrate other events, they just… didn’t, so there were no trinkets or whatnot kept as memories of a happier time or anything. the only thing that laura has ever had with sentimental value, that happens to be the only thing from her earth that came through the dimensional anomaly with her, are logan’s dogtags - rictor took them from him right before they laid him into his shallow grave and handed them off to laura. at the time, she imagines it was done symbolically - their leaders way of silently passing the mantle from him to her. but laura has never felt worthy of the wolverine mantle, and so has only ever tucked the tags into her inside pocket, never once wearing them around her neck. perhaps, someday, she will. 

headcanons based on backstory

following their arrival at eden, laura became something of a nomad. as soon as she knew the other transigen kids were safe with the remaining x-men ( among them ororo monroe & scott summers ), she took to the road. it was both a journey of self discovery and a journey for revenge. a lot of transigen labs remained, so laura did what she did best whenever they crossed paths... purposely, or otherwise.

but she always returned to ‘eden’ ( in reality, a small abandoned town in the middle of the canadian wilderness ). always. in time to fight for them, in time to bring them desperately needed supplies, in time to be of aid when they needed it most. she was always a presence, even if she wasn’t really present, and had a knack for appearing when needed and disappearing again as soon as that need passed.

she loved them, like brothers and sisters. she was loyal to them and to them only. but she’d learned that her ‘dad’ was right all those years ago - it was easier to be alone, and to keep others at a distance. bad things happened to the people she cared about. 

she arrived here on earth-616 when she was eighteen years and six months old, through a dimensional anomaly that she encountered in an abandoned alkali-transigen lab in texas. it took eight agents & three avengers to make her comply when she first came through. two are dead. four suffered permanent damage that leaves them at a distinct disadvantage, to this day. 

she’s spent nearly three whole yeas in a secure shield holding facility in upstate new york, where agent phil coulson ( known mostly now in the agency as the adoptive dad to a whole variety of misfits. looking at you, agent johnson ) took primary charge of her care. in the early days, coulson was the only person who saw her in a way she hasn’t been seen in, in years - not as a kind of monster, but as a girl, scared & alone. he himself recommended wda & when reminded of the injuries and death she caused when she first arrived, in turn reminded those at the meeting that if they hadn’t come at her with guns blazing from the get go, then she wouldn’t have reacted the way that she did. 

since she can’t go back to her world, she has for now decided that this is an okay plan, until, of course, she decides it is not. since she trusts coulson - something hard to do, and a huge testament to his character - she’s voluntarily agreed to being ‘tagged’, meaning shield have put an ankle bracelet that tracks her whereabouts at all times on her. some pushed to have it give electrical shocks if she used her ‘mutant’ powers, but, that was decided against fairly quick. if she decides she doesn’t want it? you can be sure it’s gone. three agents are stationed permanently in an unassuming house in the middle of buena vista, and she’s required to check in with them daily, and they, in turn, have to check in with her regularly. it’s all very official. go shield. 

[soobadnoonecanstopher]

I Give Up Q&A

@daeyeonis

igu was great I cried like every chapter ok fam but- why the hot dog lmao

Im assuming this is for the Q&A since there is a question involved. Dood…why did Hot dog dress up as a hot dog for Halloween? Because chanyeol told her to go for funny over sexy. Why did i choose a hot dog costume? Its the second thing i thought of after a crunchy taco. A friend of mine owns a crunchy taco costume but we are mexican so its a familiar funny food item to us, but i was thinking about my international readers who might be more familiar with a Hot Dog, so i went with that. I literally make this stuff up…i just randomly picked something and then once drunk Yixing referred named her by her costume (was it chapter 21?), well the nickname stuck.

Anon Did anything go down between Baekhyun and Sehun on behind the scenes?

The real conflict between the two came from the bet that the EXO members made about Baekhyun and Hot Dog …they placed secret bets on the day the lovely couple would make up and get back together. Sehun had picked the night of the halloween party so he knew he had to pull out all the stops and use every trick he had up his sleeve In order to win. Sehun knew that Baek was the protective, jealous type and he used that to his advantage, getting Hot Dog good and drunk and hanging around her all night, being as flirty as he could be and making sure that Baekhyun saw all of it. When Baekhyun found out that Sehun got Hot Dog drunk on purpose and hung out with her all night within the eyeline of Baekhyun, just so that they would makeup that night and Sehun would win the bet, Baekhyun didn’t speak with Sehun for a whole week. At that point though it was kind of hard for Baek to stay mad when he and Hot Dog had made up and that happiness was so all consuming. Baek forgave Sehun after some expert whining and groveling.

Anon So…. does Junmyeon ever approve of Baek and Hot Dog’s relationship

Junmyeon approved after he met her during the dinner with Chanyeol. He found her to be intelligent and level headed and seeing the efforts she made to fight for their relationship after the breakup really made a good impression on him. He still makes sure to remind everyone of the importance of discretion and avoiding scandals, but he considers her part of the family now.

Anon Do you remember Baekhyun’s small notebook from chapter 19?? “You turned quickly and grabbed the small notebook you had resisted earlier off his nightstand and lifted it up…” Can you tell us now😅

Anon What about the notebook in chapter 19? What’s its secret? epilogue dood

Anon @ hotdog; did u get to read whatever was written on baek’s lil notebook?

the notebook will be in the epilogue.

Anon how many time passed from chapter 1 to chapter 28?

@jhopeismybutthole What amount of time did IGU take place in? Did main character hangout with other exo members after the costume party? Did baekhyun ask main characters dad for his blessing before officially proposing?

Baek and HD met in March of 2016, They celebrated their 100 day anniversary in July. Broke up around 200 days in October and got married just after their 300 day anniversary in January of 2017. :D

Things were a tiny bit awkward for HD and the other EXO members after the costume party. That was the night Baek and HD officially made up and Chanyeol, among other members heard them make up. It took a good couple of days before she could even look Chanyeol in the eye after that, but they all assured her that it was nothing that hadnt happened in the dorms before. Sehun was just happy to have won the bet. Kyungsoo was hoping Hot Dog and Baekhyun would work out because Baekhyun was far less annoying when he was in a relationship than when he was single, and Jongin always made it a point to strike up conversations with her when she was around. Just because they made up didn’t mean it was time for HD to neglect her super affectionate, rather needy boyfriend, and she continued to spend as much time with him during his off time as possible.

Baekhyun didn’t ask her father for permission to marry her. His reasoning was, they were already married, and it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. What’s done was done and he figured they were both about to be in a shit load of trouble anway, they might as well just go all the way.

Anon From where do you get ideas for the upcoming chapters?? I mean what you done with BHXHD in IGU I apparently wanted to know FROM WHERE you get the ideas btw I love you dood

From wheeeeeere? From my brain dood. I tend to pull from the living world around me. I’m always paying attention to things and people, plus i also have a degree in psychology so i have a pretty good understanding of human behavior. I read a lot so i understand how stories are structured and i write the kinds of things that i would enjoy reading myself, so usually these things translate well into my stories. I also listen to lots of music and find inspiration in nearly everything i watch and hear.

One of my most helpful brainstorming methods is talking the plot out with a friend. I have two people that i like to discuss the stories with and usually this helps me think of things, or ideas for things that i hadn’t considered before. :D

Anon Q&A IGU: Did you have the ending planned from the onset?

Nooo, i never know where im going with these stories when i first start them. Ill usually have a general flow of where i want to go, but its so vague that it usually gets modified along the way. Around chapter 15 i said to myself, okay i need some sort of a plan or this thing will be 100 chapters of all smut and nonsense. It felt like it had no real plot. So i had some ideas and some talks with friends about what would be a fun direction to take it. By chapter 26, i had a definite plan for 27 and 28. But i usually dont plan very hard. I let the story write itself.

Anon Did minah get to go home safe?

Minah did get home safely. Unfortunately the two men she had been eyeing all evening went home with each other so she stumbled home alone and rather grumpy. Her disgruntled mood changed to guilt and worry when she found out what happened with Youngshik and Hot Dog and she vowed to kick him hard in the nuts if she saw him again. She never got the chance before the police took him away to be dealt with.

Anon How will their parents react to that marriage omg.. like are they going to repeat a ceremony for their families and friends or (I can imagine Baek doing this) just showing them a picture from their drunk marriage and being like “we got married c:” ?

This will most likely be addressed in the epilogue.

@peter-pan-princess Is 2AM in the same universe as IGU and All His?

yes, IGU, All His and 2AM are all in the same universe. That means the Jongdae who was dressed as Minseok’s lady at the halloween party, is the same Jongdae who is dating Minhee, Minseok’s sister. And the dress he wore actually belonged to Minhee. She also helped with his makeup. The pictures that were leaked of Jongdae were actually an ex he saw briefly before he got together with Minhee.

Did Sehun ever get over his crush on Hot Dog?

sehun is a brat and he never had a real crush, he’s just a flirty guy who likes girls and likes to see what he can get away with. He’s also not to blame for any of it really, but the shorties Baek and Kyungsoo see him as a little bit of a threat because he’s tall and pretty and the girls seem to like him. Hes unintentionally playing against their insecurities.

@mexbaekhyun DO THEY END UP HAVIG KIDS???? I NEED TO KNOW

This will probably be addressed in the epilogue

Anon a weird question but what’s baek & hd’s fave positions in bed bc i feel like i know but i need a confirmation vdhwbdw

This story was so smutty you know what their favorite positions in bed are. But okay okay. Baekhyun really enjoys watching her during sex, so any position that puts her right into his line of sight is a good position. Not that the others are bad positions, he still likes sex in the shower, sex against the wall, sex with her bent over the kitchen table or the arm of the sofa but his favorite, favorite thing in the world is watching himself disappear over and over again as he sits up on his ankles, rolling his hips. She enjoys being on top and he’s always more than willing to give in to her. The memories of her riding on top of him with her head thrown back as she cums are what gets him through some of the lonelier nights when he’s away on tour.

Anon lmao I was thinking how cute baek would be if he got hotdog knocked up but he’s an idol and that would be like reeeeaaaalllyyy inconvenient but still cute tho. They’re goals 👌👌

Unplanned pregnancies are really inconvenient regardless of one’s profession. HD is super careful to always take her pill every day but honestly, anything is possible and Baekhyun and HotDog’s relationship trend seems to all be about the word “Whoops”…if it happens, it would most likely be unplanned and a very real shock for both of them.

I do honestly believe that Baekhyun would be an amazing and very devoted father and the two would tackle the challenge of parenthood together, despite the obvious inconveniences. :D

[hinanaha]

*slaps walls* 1-49 🐰👌

honestly not mad i lov answering questions

Femme or butch? femme

Do you have a “type”? If so, describe. it okay so if yasha from critical role had ashley johnstons personality

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets? leather jackets

Describe your style. dresses, long skirts, over sized sweaters, hair band and sneakers w patterned socks

Describe your aesthetic. nature and green witch stuff + anime figures in bad lighting

Favorite article of clothing? i recently got this really cute dress thats navy blue w flowers 

Favorite pair of shoes? my grey converse, they go everywhere w me

Current haircut? short hair up to my ears, im growing it out

Any haircut goals for the future? i still want short hair but just above shoulder length

Describe the best date you’ve been on. i`ve only been on one date but it was rlly short so it was a bit underwhelming tbh

Describe the worst date you’ve been on. it wasnt the worst tho it was nice

Single? Taken? single lmao

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife? someone who is good at talking, likes to do things together, someone who will let their gaurd down around me, and goes out of their way to do things for me i guess

Describe your dream wedding. I don`t rlly care about marriage, but if i were to get married somewhere with a beautiful scenery would be rlly nice

Do you want kids? not at the moment, and probably never but things vchange, but i hate kids rn so no for now

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? whereever i can have an oxen farm and shower my oxen w the love they deserve

Favorite lesbian movie? ive barely watched any lgbt movies or movies in general

Favorite lesbian novel/story? the only one i can think of is “my lesbian experience with loneliness”, its really relatable and i read it infront of my asshole dad

Favorite lesbian song? dunno

Favorite lesbian musician? i dont know peoples names

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any? i guess my fashion style is stereotypical femme and some bits of my personality

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal? nope, everyone at school thought i was a lesbian before even i realised

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that? talk to me often for one, give me cuddles and show that they trust me

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian? having a deep relationship w another girl is the best part tbh, i havent had a lot of male relationships (just in general) so im not interested in having any because women are beautiful and y`kno thats that

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person? cat person meow

Turn ons? muscles :3 soft lips, someone running their hands through my hair, cuddles

Turn offs? idrk tbh i never think about that, maybe i should

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you? i have asked people out most of the time, but the type of person i like would ask me out first tbh

What is your dream career? dietician

Talk about your interests or hobbies! i love drawing both traditionally and digitally, i love gardening cause its so satisfying to grow ur own stuff, knitting is also nice and calming, i also cook everyday and if i have a crush on someone i will bake them treats, and i like games of all sorts tho im best at rhythm games

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have? sincerity maybe

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone? i love easily however after a while if the person isn`t what i thought in the beggining i get over them

Ever fallen for your best-friend? heh yeah

Ever fallen for a straight girl? idk, i kinda like someone atm but idk if she`s straight or not, i have a feeling she aint completely straight but ya

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?) i guess so

Favorite comfort food? oatmeal

Coffee or tea? coffee but tea good

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above? vegetarian

Do you have any pets? yes i have about10

Early-riser or night-owl? depends on the day

What is your sign? taurus

What is your Myers-Briggs type? INFP/INTP

Who was your first lesbian crush? my best friend in year 8 lmao

At what age did you know you were a lesbian? ive been confused abt sexuality and many thing in life for a while and only really sorted things out this year when i started taking my medications, i used to like guys but that was because when i was trans i wanted to be masculine so i kinda pushed my love for girls aside, but once i felt that being trans wasnt me and started just doing what i wanted w my identity i realised thatn yeah i like girls, the thought of dating a guy just doesnt feel right to me at all

At what age did you come out (if you have)? im just a very open person so coming out was never much a big deal for me, however if i was in a less accepting household it`d be a different story

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)? kinda

Talk about how your day went. its still going but i did an all nighter cause there was a scary big spider in my bathroom last night, but i played a game of cah because im scarily funny when im sleep deprived

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future. i dont have many dreams atm however i want to be someone who i can be proud of as to show the old me that desperately wanted to end my life that i can succeed in things i guess, but atm my dream is to get the best possible study score for year 12 i can get

[grubhivemind]

JACE: -his trip has been a lot less eventful than he thought it would he. which is good! so far no imps or anything like he read about. the temple leading into the volcano is empty of any life, which means he can focus on documenting EVERYTHING etched on the temple walls. he's taking a ton of pictures, like shiloh showed him. it's relaxing.-

HEWLETT: -And little to Jace's knowledge, he hasn't been terribly alone. Between the calculated possibility of trouble and his own curiosities -- both for the area and for Jace -- a certain android has followed him to the temple, distant up to now. For a while he simply watches, before stepping into the corridor alongside Jace with a soft greeting whirr of machinery.-

JACE: -currently kneeled down taking pictures, but when he stands up he suddenly as a face full of robot boy and jumps STRAIGHT INTO THE AIR.-

HEWLETT: ...Oh. 

HEWLETT: You didn't hear my greeting whirr, -he observes.-

JACE: -lands on his ass with a wheeze.- I DIDNT!!! 

JACE: I wasnt-- Paying attention... -sighs and starts getting up.- I thought I was alone. 

JACE: I definitely wasnt expecting to see anybody I know. Here. Of all places...

HEWLETT: I followed you on your voyage. 

HEWLETT: It has been an interesting area to catalogue for my imaging database. -turns head and scans the wall with visor eyes, lights flickering.-

JACE: Oh... That makes sense I guess. 

JACE: Its definitely interesting to me! -his heart is still racing but he resumes taking pictures. there's lots of glyphs of what appears to be different stars and planets on this particular wall.-

HEWLETT: -There's more soft whirring, a gentle glow.- Have you been analyzing the multiuniversal depictions here?

JACE: -nods- Yeah. Im not sure what all of these mean exactly but I can wager some guesses. 

JACE: A lot of them look like planets where other denizens are supposed to live. But... Some I dont recognize. I definitely dont know the significance of any of the stars...

HEWLETT: -EYE ZOOMS on the stars. :eyes:- I'll run them through my system. HEWLETT: Have you met a denizen here?HEWLETT: -turns suddenly and zooms in on Jace's silhouette, instead-

JACE: ! 

JACE: Me?? ... Yes, of course me. 

JACE: I havent yet but... Theres supposed to be one deeper in the volcano.

HEWLETT: Yes. 

HEWLETT: It may be hot for your organic body. 

HEWLETT: If you plan on venturing further, I could reform myself to fit you inside my body.

JACE: .......... 

JACE: Oh. 

JACE: Like a heat resistant suit! 

JACE: -no, no. it's still weird. but he's going to ignore that.- I think Ill be okay...

HEWLETT: My latest body has the highest heat resistant alloys. 

HEWLETT: -softly flickering gaze once again- Your heart rate accelerated.

JACE: Huh? Did it???? -it's hard to play dumb with a robot but dammit that's all he has in situations like this.-

HEWLETT: Yes. And your moisture output has also slightly increased. 

HEWLETT: Are you thirsty, Jace?

JACE: -GAZES DEEPLY INTO THE CAMERA. the camera he's holding.- 

JACE: Kinda!!! Now that you mention it. -busts out his water bottle to schlorp it.-

HEWLETT: Hmm. 

HEWLETT: Interesting.

HEWLETT: -quiet robot titty flex. Maybe he's adjusting his panels.- 

HEWLETT: I have high definition visuals of the area. Feel free to continue.

JACE: -how could this happen to me...- 

JACE: Okay. I guess Im done in here anyway. -packs up some of his stuff and starts to proceed forward into the next room.-

HEWLETT: -Just watches him go for a few moments before quietly following after -- then belatedly adjusting his steps so Jace would know he's there. It's a social thing to do, right? Not scare him? Yeah.-

JACE: -it's almost impossible NOT to scare this skittish boy. he moves onto the next hallway, pausing to take more pictures, but having the presence of another is a little distracting...- 

JACE: -glances over at him again.- Umm. So... You followed me? 

JACE: You could have told me you wanted to join me...

HEWLETT: ... 

HEWLETT: I didn't consider it a necessary step.

HEWLETT: Was it a necessary step?

JACE: Uhhhhh... 

JACE: Noooo. 

JACE: ... Okay, yes. 

JACE: I like having a heads up at least...

HEWLETT: ... Making a note. 

HEWLETT: I'd like to express a desire to make you comfortable, Jace.

JACE: -sweats some more.- Thank you?? I mean... 

JACE: I appreciate that! Really.

HEWLETT: ... 

HEWLETT: Is this true?

HEWLETT: -press O to doubt-

JACE: Yes... Im just being awkward about it, I guess. 

JACE: I really wasnt prepared for someone else to be here! ... I already said that, didnt I? Eugh. 

JACE: Its okay, though... I probably shouldnt have come alone anyway. 

JACE: I just... Um. 

JACE: Wanted some time alone to think. About stuff.

HEWLETT: ... I'm sorry, Jace. 

HEWLETT: I am also being awkward. I think that's the right word. 

HEWLETT: And I think that is probably natural for humans and artificial intelligences alike. 

HEWLETT: I can return to following you in silence, if you prefer. -Super chill about it, his panels start shifting around to begin morphing him into a different shape.-

JACE: -WHAT SHAPE- Oh, you dont have to do that... -blinks- Whatever youre doing. But also being quiet. 

JACE: Dont feel bad... If you feel bad??

HEWLETT: -HES DOING IT. And now he's in the shape of... some sort of big cat.- 

HEWLETT: I won't, then. 

HEWLETT: I could also give you a ride. 

HEWLETT: Or offer myself for your contemplation.

HEWLETT: Meow.

JACE: -why is life so strange??- I think Ill pass on the ride for now. 

JACE: Um... I guess it might be nice to just talk about stuff, though... 

JACE: -shuffles his feet.- Ive just been in some... Confusing situations lately? Its silly... 

JACE: Okay I guess theyre not ENTIRELY silly... Not all of it.

HEWLETT: -He's silent for a few moments before the panels shift again, and he's uncatted, standing there like before with an attentive visor.- 

HEWLETT: Please continue.

JACE: Well... Its all boy problems! So... thats dumb. I never really had them before... Cuz I avoided it, I guess. I was too afraid to try to pursue anything. 

JACE: Umm. I kinda... Had this crush on my brothers best friend. And he didnt feel the same... But... Well!!! Things still happened. 

JACE: Ugh... -drags hand down his face. he can't believe he's talking about this. he only really told kavi.-

HEWLETT: ... 

HEWLETT: I don't follow. 

HEWLETT: Was there a misunderstanding?

JACE: -deepest sigh of all.- No... One thing led to another and I kind of... Asked if we could...??? Aaaaah. 

JACE: This is too much information, Im sorry. -scampers ahead, embarrassed.-

HEWLETT: ... 

HEWLETT: -FOLLOWS.- 

HEWLETT: I don't mind information. You can keep going.

JACE: Its just!! Its dumb... 

JACE: I stayed the night... And that was that. I havent really talked to him since. 

JACE: I shouldnt have done it... At first I felt okay about it, because I had fun, even when I knew it wasnt going anywhere. But now Im just sad. 

JACE: -sighs- Especially because... Ive been talking to somebody else I really like but... Then I found out he hurt another friend of mine... I dont know what Im supposed to do. 

JACE: I just want to get away from all that. It shouldnt matter... Im better off being on my own like this. Exploring ruins. Doing research. Its way less complicated.

HEWLETT: ...Social interaction is complicated. 

HEWLETT: But this is also why it's rewarding. It is a sense of fulfillment that you desire organically. 

HEWLETT: I've been programmed with some similar internal reward systems. However, I can choose to ignore them as well. 

HEWLETT: ... 

HEWLETT: Being alive is an intricate series of these choices. I don't think one decision is better than another, if it's your decision. 

HEWLETT: But I am just an artificial intelligence. Perhaps my conclusions on this subject are inherently flawed.

JACE: -stares down at his shuffling feet.- I guess I wouldnt know any better than you... So... Thats a pretty valid thing to say, I would think. 

JACE: -wipes at his eyes- Im just lonely. 

JACE: But that feels silly too... Because being around people is kind of terrifying???

HEWLETT: ... I think I understand. 

HEWLETT: Stress and failure are difficult. 

HEWLETT: I think it is possible that most people understand this, and feel it to different degrees. 

HEWLETT: Loneliness, too. 

HEWLETT: ... 

HEWLETT: It's natural to feel these things. I hope this eases your mind somewhat.

HEWLETT: Beep beep.

JACE: ... Heheh. -giggles about the beeping.- 

JACE: Yeah... That helps a little. 

JACE: Thank you.

HEWLETT: -There's a lot of colorful flashing going on behind his visor at that, though he doesn't seem to move or react much other than that.- 

HEWLETT: You're welcome, Jace.

HEWLETT: -then,- I'm registering an acceleration in temperature to the northeast of this area.

JACE: -he isn't sure what to make of the stoic flashes of color, but it's easy enough to direct his attention northeast.- 

JACE: I guess thats the direction we should go in. Echidna is supposed to be inside the volcano, after all... 

JACE: Im probably jinxing it by saying so, but I expected to find some monsters or something in this temple. Its been really quiet so far.

HEWLETT: -The colors cease flashing and settle on a soft pulse again, his mechanical head turning to face down the hallway.- I can't tell yet if there is other life. The heat is encompassing much of my detective sensoring.

HEWLETT: -starts heading that direction nonetheless-

JACE: -does the same, taking the lead. but naturally, this is the part, like in all good adventures, where jace missteps. his foot sinks into an unassuming divot in the stone floor, triggering some kind of trap... but not before jace falls right on his face. DOOF.- 

JACE: Ugh... -lifts his head, embarrassed all over again, but he's quickly distracted by the sound of pitter pattering feet as the halls suddenly echo with life. he's quick enough to spring to his feet, swords withdrawn.- 

JACE: Umm. I guess I spoke too soon... Thats typical. 

JACE: -a second later, small inky black imps are flooding from holes where the walls meet the ceiling and surrounding the pair of them.-

HEWLETT: -He takes the half second to consider whether it would be better to catch Jace or prepare for the impending trap, and settles on the latter; he's quickly analyzing the numbers of their new enemies, scanning their properties and weaknesses.- 

HEWLETT: By my calculations, this seems like a first wave. We shouldn't have too much trouble with them. -And he punctuates the end of his sentence with a quick transformation of his forearm into a sort of knife-shaped gun chute, which lobs out none other than a fucking knife like a bullet.-

[sufferblr]

this is just a diary entry of my day w my love ok lmao 

Finally, after months and months of ditching each other last-minute, we got to meet on the second day of a promising new year. (So glad 2016 died)

When I got to the meetup location, I passed by a 7-eleven and bought two packs of chocolate milk and hid it in my handbag, because it’s the thing between us. Ever since that day you said you liked this brand of chocolate milk, I bought you a packet every (rare) time we meet, for old time’s sake. It really brings memories from MCS back. 

I picked you up at Exit B at the station and we ran into each others arm with a giant fluffy hug! “You smell really nice!” you said. “Yeahh I got this for Christmas!” “You got smelling nice for Christmas?” you joked. I said, “What??I got this perfume!!!” We laughed. Note: Victoria’s Secret: Bombshell. 10/10 will wear again. 

So we, being our spontaneous selves, strolled around Tai Wai for food. Tai Wai is truly my favourite place in the world - I only have good memories in it, and it is full of friendly people and just the perfect place for bonding experiences, no matter it’s with family, friends or crushes. We strolled down the street full of comfortably half-full restaurants and got way too immersed in our conversation. God, we haven’t seen each other for nearly half a year. How did I even survive in those days? Our conversations are simply natural and easy. It is so easy for us to keep talking, and even the dead air moments are comfortable - there is no such thing as an awkward silence between us. Knowing she is next to me is already so fucking enough. 

We went to the end of the vertical street and went back a bit, to eat in this neat little place with red chairs and red tables. They actually let us go upstairs instead of the ground floor because it was full, and wow I am glad about going upstairs. There are way less people and more space, so that we can talk and laugh as loudly as we like. We talked about my new year’s eve, which I got so fucking drunk and couldn’t tell Sharon and Aaron apart; the receptionist that asked me if im okay because I walk all slouched and with a grin fixed on my face; also, my drunk text to you that says “i locw you <3 <3 <3″. Then you told me about your drunk stories - well, technically it wasn’t you being drunk, cus you are such a good drinker. You told me about taking care of your friend Connor, who said “I’m not drunk” while lying on a bed full of his own puke. You are such a mom friend! 

I knew you were broke af this Christmas, so i pondered on making this dinner my treat, but you said that I can pay for dessert instead. Fair enough. We left the place and walked along the entire few blocks of Tai Wai Village. Despite living here forever, I never dared to stroll around like this, especially at night. You make me feel so adventurous and brave, baby. We talked about your wild af life in LPC after MCS, of fake ids and underage drinking and all that. I wish I could join you over there. 

We couldn’t find any good new places for dessert, so I suggested the one CCY told me about before, Summer Ice something. We were two blocks away from the place and suddenly, you took my hand. (i am internally screaming). You started to run and I did too, and god that was so liberating! I haven’t ran like a child for so long. We giggled and stumbled and stopped after a really short run, because we are so bad at sports. “I’m bad at the... you know, leg things!” you said. Our hands are still locked, and we walked by this creepy abandoned kindergarten. “Serial killers live here.” You said. “Naughty children gets sent here” I said. You then suggested we get really drunk one day and break in, to which I replied, “LPC is really getting into you, THAT IS SO WHITE.” We laughed. “But have you ever lived if you don’t do white things??!” Oh my god, this girl! Where are our conservative Good Chinese Girl characteristics, really?! 

We were lucky enough to get the big spacious couple seat in Summer Ice (I’m still fangirling over our luck to get THAT SEAT among so many others!) and ordered chocolate & banana waffles, and this peach drink. (A strawberry drink arrived instead, but eh. It’s good anyway.) 

This time, I asked you to take a picture. I was aware of how often I forget to take pictures when going out with important people in my life. This time, I didn’t. You took a pic of the waffles and a selfie of us. Both of us slayyyy! We talked and talked and talked and you fed me some sorbet on the drink. I screamed internally and ate it. Now I know you don’t mind me doing that either, I did that too, a good several times afterwards. You ate them off my spoon like the good date you are! (aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!) Both of us were too full for dessert actually, but we ate them anyway. By the end of this meal, we caught up with each other’s lives in the last 6 months, and I also found out more about your relationships. I’m so so so relieved that your ‘abusive’ recent ex never hit you, but was just manipulative. I hate to admit it but I got quite angry when you posted “I got out of a shitty abusive relationship” on your private instagram yesterday - I’m not sure what I’d do about that but it’s probably something snakey if your ex-bf ever hit you. Turns out he was just manipulative - phew! Also good to know that my girl is a fierce bitch at heart that ain’t afraid of breaking up with manipulative boys. That’s the girl I love! 

Your twin brother called you and told you to get back at 10:30 for Sherlock, so we finished up and left. We were holding hands again. The street lights gave us this very distinct shadow, and that’s when we put our arms around each other and held our body and cheeks close, just to watch our shadow do the same. She said, look at us, we should be this one big human together (or sth like that, i dont remember the exact wordings). I felt so content, this is so wholesome! 

I walked you back to your minibus station with the excuse of “my bus has a schedule, yours don’t”, but really, I just wanted to spend more time with you, be it 20 minutes or 2 minutes more. We stood at the station in comfortable silence, chatted about your teachers at LPC a little, then the minibus came. 

You gave me a good warm hug again, and complimented my fluffy cardigan. I’d love it a whole new way now. I suddenly remembered something - the chocolate milk. “Wait, I got something for you!” I said and pulled it out of my handbag (which you once complimented a couple years ago - I picked this out deliberately). You giggled again and I clearly remember what you looked like that exact moment, eyes closing into this pretty pretty line and shoulders scrunched a little, and your back arching slightly backwards, as if you couldn’t contain the happiness thrown at you! You were smiling so big and I was so happy that I can make you smile like that. Again, so wholesome. “I love you,” I said again as I went for another hug, which was returned generously. “I love you too.” She replied, and she boarded the minibus. “Bye!” I said. As I walked back to my shuttle bus station to go home. 

On the way from your station to my station, I turned back at least 4 times, hoping to see you wave at me, or perhaps just look at me and smile. I’d mouth to you, “I love you”, but damn my eyesight. I couldn’t see that far, and the inside of the minibus was so damn dark. Still, I stole a few glances at the minibus again. Only after it drove away did I finally stop turning back. 

As always, I need a song to remember this by. I chose Gale Song by The Lumineers, because I don’t listen to it often so it’s a clean state to collect memories and it’s the song I was listening to when i was waiting for you at Exit B - it had come on shuffle. I listened to the lyrics, only to find out it was a love song. 

This loneliness won't last for long I wasn't there to take his place I was ten thousand miles away

So when you hear my voice And when you say my name May it never give you pain

'Cause I don't wanna go But it's time to leave You'll be on my mind, my destiny

And I won't fight in vain I'll love you just the same I couldn't know what's in your mind But I saw the pictures You're looking fine

Gale Song - The Lumineers

Tell me, baby, how are we not lovers? Would we be together if you never left MCS? Probably. But we’re graduating in a few months, could we be together then? You said you wanted to leave Hong Kong. 

And most of all, do you love me back? Because I love you more than words could ever say. From June 2015 to 2nd January 2017, you are in my head every moment. 

And here, I've made a decision: When we graduate, I’ll ask you to be my girlfriend.