#whenever I leave comments like I’ll remember this story always

[ardenskyedarcy221b]

someone stop me from spiraling down this rabbit hole of looking up old fics that I’m positive have been pulled 😫😩😭💀

[little-diable]

Meant to be – Prof!Spencer Reid (smut)

I just love writing prof!fics – almost as much as I love priest!fics. Almost. Please like and reblog if you enjoyed reading this, your comments keep us writers motivated! Enjoy my loves. xxx

Summary: The reader is a young professor joining the university Spencer works at. Even though he's annoyed about having to share his office with her at first, he can't help but fall for her all too quickly.

Warnings: 18+, smut, piv, office smut, some possessiveness/jealousy, lots of fluff

Pairing: Prof!Spencer Reid x fem!prof!reader (3k words)

“Professor Reid?” The soft voice filled his office, forcing his eyes off the paper he was currently grading. His gaze wandered over the woman's features as he curiosity studied her for a moment before clearing his throat. 

“My office hours are over, please return on Wednesday for your questions.” His eyes left hers to refocus on his papers, while expecting her to turn around and leave, urged on by the rude tone he hadn’t been able to shake. Spencer hadn’t expected anybody else to turn up this late in the afternoon, he was desperate to squeeze as much work into the remaining time he had alone in his office, already overstimulated by the mere thought of having to share his office with somebody from today on. 

“My name is (y/n), I’ll be sharing this office with you.” Once again he was forced to look at her, unable to swallow his annoyance as it began to dawn on him that she wasn’t a student.

She was pretty, by far prettier than all the pictures he had searched on the internet the second he had heard about her, about (y/n) joining his personal safe space. Why hadn’t he recognised her? Was his mind already that fed up with the pretty stranger? 

“Of course, I’m sorry.” He didn’t move as she slowly stepped into the big room, letting her eyes wander before finding her way to her space. The old wooden desk had been placed near the big window, drenching her in the light of the slowly setting sun. Spencer would crash and burn if he were forced to see this daily, a sight so ethereal he feared this was just a trick of his tired brain. 

“I’m sorry that you have to share your office with me, I can only imagine how annoying that must be for you.” He wanted to protest, wanted to tell her that he doesn’t mind sharing it with her – polite words any other colleague would have effortlessly spoken. But all Spencer could do was hum and redirect his gaze to the papers, while missing the slight hurt expression (y/n) couldn’t hide. 

……

Her heart was pounding with a faster beat, singing a tale of nervousness in her chest she couldn’t silence just yet. This wasn’t an unusual situation for her, she had taught numerous classes before, but the first class she taught at a new university always had something special to it, something (y/n) couldn’t shake. 

The students were working on the papers she had handed out a minute ago, fully engrossed by the story. She let her eyes wander, taking them all in in hopes of remembering at least a handful of them. But her thoughts were silenced the second her eyes found his. Spencer Reid was leaning against the door and with his arms crossed in front of his chest he intently studied her from his spot.

Her heart skipped a beat in her chest as it silently whispered to (y/n). It had been days since she had first crossed paths with him, the annoyed, closed-off man who was more handsome than she liked to admit. Ever since their first awkward run-in she hadn’t tried to make any conversations with him, she had opted to wear her headphones around him, hiding herself from the curious eyes she felt on her frame whenever she let her work swallow her. 

Neither of them dared to break their eye contact first, a silent challenge both were determined to win. (Y/n) allowed herself to take him all in, the locks perfectly framing his handsome face, the slight unfamiliar smile playing on his lips, and those twinkling eyes that seemed to follow her around whenever they crossed paths. 

“Alright, seems like our time is up, if you have any questions about your reading, please email me.” She was forced to break their staring contest first, smiling at her students who smiled back at her before leaving the room. (Y/n) couldn’t help but notice how a few of them wore overly bright smiles as they walked past Spencer, seemingly just as affected by the professor's handsome appearance, just like (y/n) was. 

Only as the last student had left the room did Spencer finally begin to move. Slowly, he walked down the stairs, moving closer to (y/n) with every passing moment. She was glued to her spot, patiently waiting for the man to break their silence, to let her hear the raspy voice that had rang in her ears for the past days. 

“That was a really interesting lecture, (y/n).” He came to a halt only a few steps away from her, keeping a slight distance between them as if he was unsure how to properly approach her. For a moment, (y/n) had to avert her gaze, she began to pack her bag with a slight smile stuck to her lips, hoping that he wouldn’t pick up on the nervousness flushing through her whenever he was close. 

“Thank you, Spencer, that means a lot coming from a beloved professor like you.” Her words drew a gritty laugh from him, while a slight rosy tint began to flush his cheeks. (Y/n) shouldered her bag before she began to walk up to him, wordlessly asking him to follow her up the stairs and back to their office. 

“Listen,” Spencer cleared his throat before he kept speaking, seemingly unsure how to put his thoughts into a coherent sentence. “I am sorry about those first days, I was annoyed and quite unfriendly to you. Would you allow me to make it up to you?”

“Oh, Spencer, that is very kind of you, but I get it, I would be just as annoyed if I had to give up my personal space to share it with a stranger.” Her soft voice left him smiling, unable to look away from (y/n) while stepping back into their own little bubble, the safe haven they found in their spacey office that was filled with books and collected items. 

“Would you want to get some food with me, as an apology? We could also order in, if you want.” He plopped down on his chair the same second (y/n) did, while holding eye contact from their spots. 

“Sure, that would be lovely, thank you, Spencer.”

……

Her phone had buzzed in her pocket a few minutes ago, and even though it had ripped (y/n) out of her thoughts, she was determined to get her search over with before giving into the pull. She had just finished her class and was now combing through their library, in search of new reading material, desperately trying to find her books. 

With a relieved sigh she reached for the book she had looked for these past minutes, pressing it to her side before finally giving into her heart’s silent call. (Y/n)’s hand wandered to her phone, unable to bite down her chuckles as she read Spencer’s all too simple message. 

“Thai or Italian?” 

Ever since that evening in their office, where they had ordered in and started to get to know one another properly, they had begun to form some kind of routine, ordering food at least once a week to spend their evenings together. Spending time with Spencer felt all too easy, too natural, something that made her feel more confused than she liked. 

She was about to type out her reply as she collided with somebody, forcing her eyes off her phone. Hands found her waist to stabilise her frame, keeping the young professor from losing her balance. (Y/n)’s wide eyes found a pair of brown ones, she studied the man for a second before parting her lips to apologise.

“I am so sorry, are you alright?” Her question drew a soft laugh from him. She had seen him from afar a few times, another professor she had yet to properly introduce herself to. He was a handsome man, taller than her and slightly older, and yet he had nothing on the professor she shared her office with.

“Don’t worry, are you alright though?” The man still had his hand placed on her waist, holding onto her while murmuring the question. Just as she wanted to reply, to tell him that nothing had happened, her name was called, forcing her attention towards Spencer, who was approaching the two. An unreadable expression tugged on his features as he studied her and the hand of their colleague which was still glued to her waist. 

“There you are, I was looking for you, sweetheart.” Heat flushed through her at the unfamiliar term of endearment. The second Spencer reached her side, he pulled her from the man’s grasp, straight into his arms. She could only gape up at him, torn between her confusion and the slight twinge of excitement she couldn’t shake as she took in his clear expression of jealousy.  

The man muttered something (y/n) couldn’t pick up, fully focused on Spencer and the way she fit all too perfectly into his grasp. No words were shared between them as they held eye contact, staring at one another as if it was the first time they got to take the other in. Spencer’s thumb stroked soft circles into the fabric of her shirt before he slowly – almost reluctantly – let go of her. 

“I, uhm, you didn’t reply, so I thought I’d go find before you get lost.” Spencer’s whispers drew a soft chuckle from (y/n). She couldn’t stop herself from reaching for his hand to lightly squeeze it as her smile kept growing.

“And what was that whole thing with calling me “sweetheart”?” The blush she was all too familiar with by now returned to his cheeks, while forcing his eyes from her. (Y/n) squeezed his hand again before she began to tug him down the hallway, set on finding their way back to their office.

“Don’t worry, Spence’, I quite liked it.” 

……

“You’re so quiet, what’s going on in that head of yours?” She mumbled the words as she studied Spencer. They were both sitting on the floor, leaning against the small couch placed near their bookshelves, while finishing their food. It had been almost an hour since their situation at the library, but while (y/n) had made some more jokes about the situation, Spencer had grown quiet, deep in thought. 

Spencer’s gaze flickered from his hands to her curious features. He studied her for a few seconds before he placed his plate down and fully turned towards (y/n). No words were shared between them, they were caught in a thick fog of unspoken thoughts, longings, and fears.

“Can I try something?” His husky voice was about to draw a gasp from (y/n). She could only nod her head, not daring to break out of the grasp this situation had on her. Spencer’s hand found her cheek, while his eyes were focusing on her lips. He let a few seconds pass before closing the distance between them. 

Within seconds he had pulled her into his lap, letting (y/n) straddle his thighs as their lips moved in sync. Their hearts were racing, pounding in their chests to beg one another to keep on going, to let their tongues meet while growing comfortable in the new sensation that held their souls hostage. The kiss felt all too perfect, something they had been waiting for ever since crossing paths, something they had longed for and thought of for weeks now. 

“I can’t stop thinking of the way he touched you.” Spencer murmured his words against her lips. A confused expression began to tug on her features as she patiently waited for him to keep on talking. 

“You’re mine to touch, and not his, you’ll never be.” Possessiveness dripped from his words – a possessiveness so strong, it made her feel as if they had been together for years, sharing memories neither could shake. (Y/n) couldn’t speak up, not when she felt Spencer’s hands disappear beneath the fabric of her blouse, softly stroking her sides. 

“Spencer,” she gasped his name, desperate for more, another touch – anything he’d offer to her. His lips began to find their way down her throat, sucking on spots that made her tingle with a biting heat threatening to leave its mark on her forever. (Y/n)’s hands tugged on his curls while trying to shuffle even closer, letting her core grind against his growing bulge. 

“We shouldn’t do this here.” (Y/n) could only whisper the words as his hands pulled her blouse over her head, exposing her bra to his wandering eyes. The groan that left Spencer at the sight made her forget every word she wanted to speak, every warning, nothing but hazy thoughts were left behind. 

“Tell me why we shouldn’t, baby.” The raspy command forced her to arch her front into his touch. She felt as if he had set her ablaze, burning for him only, a summer solstice bonfire that left her shaking and trembling in a desperate need to turn every offering into something worthy. 

“People will hear.” His hands kept moving, urged on by the desperate whines leaving (y/n). The cold air teased her now naked chest, the hardening nipples Spencer’s fingers tugged on, drawing the most sinful sounds from her parted lips. 

“And? Let them hear how good I’ll be fucking you.” The words seemed to do something to (y/n) - they forced her hands to move from his hair down his front to slowly undo his trousers. Both knew that there was no way out of this, they were high on the feelings the other pushed through them, desperate for the highs they could already feel creeping closer without being properly touched.  

“How can you be so sure you’ll satisfy me enough?” She was riling him up, teasing him in a desperate attempt to forgo any foreplay to be filled by him, needing to feel Spencer buried deep inside of her. They held eye contact for a second as she finally managed to free his cock, twitching in her grasp as if he felt the same exciting heat burning deep inside of him. 

Spencer didn’t speak another word as he pushed her off his lap to murmur a raspy “Undress”. He stared at her as (y/n) pulled out of her jeans, with her soaked panties following a second later. Her skin was prickling, unsure how to act around the man who was now seeing her completely naked for the first time. 

They kept looking at one another while Spencer fisted his cock, giving himself a few pumps before a smirk tugged on his lips. With his hand finding the back of her head, he pulled her in for a teeth-clashing kiss – a kiss so desperate (y/n) feared he’d rob her of her last breath. 

“Turn around, chest down on the couch.” Slowly, (y/n) turned around to follow his command, only to feel him behind her a few moments later. She heard Spencer shuffle around and rip open a condom, before she felt his slender fingers at her aching heat. A loud moan managed to break through her at the feeling of his digits brushing through her slit, collecting drops of her arousal to spread it on her pulsing bundle. 

(Y/n) had to claw her fingernails into the fabric of the couch to ground herself, to let go of a few deep breaths – all while Spencer slowly pulled his fingers away to push his cock towards her entrance. With one hand placed on her waist, he held onto (y/n) while slowly pushing into her – a sensation so strong, it pulled raspy moans from the both of them. 

“Fuck, you’re so tight, baby.” (Y/n) could only let go of a sob at his praises. She had her eyes squeezed shut, knuckles turning a few shades lighter from the strong grip she had on the couch. Spencer pulled out of her, only to fuck into her with more force, letting his hips meet her behind with every thrust. 

This was neither sweet nor was it slow, it was a desperate fuck, an attempt to get rid of the tension lingering between them, the longings neither of them had managed to shake ever since meeting for the first time. It was a perfect chase that now ended with both of them tumbling to their knees, losing all grip on reality, while being fucked into oblivion. 

“Spencer, fuck, you feel so good.” Tears dripped from her eyes while the words broke through her – words that filled Spencer with pride. His smirk began to widen as her moans grew louder, rumbling through their office like a song both played on repeat.

“Touch yourself, make yourself cum on my cock, baby.” Her fingers blindly followed his command, she circled her pulsing bundle to push herself closer and closer towards the edge, high on the sensation that began to thump through her veins. With her teeth buried in her lower lip, (y/n) tried to keep another moan from leaving her, very well knowing that anybody could burst into their office any second now, a risk neither of them should take. And yet they couldn’t care, not when he was buried deep inside of her and about to fuck her through her high. 

(Y/n) began to tremble as her orgasm climbed up her limbs, momentarily robbing her of her sight as black spots appeared in her vision. Spencer kept fucking her from behind, more ferocious with every thrust to chase his own high, set on following her down the edge. Their moans got tangled, ringing in their ears as if fireworks went off in the distance to support them through this long awaited moment. 

Spencer came with a groan of her name, he clung to her as they both rode out their highs with racing hearts and quivering limbs. Heavy pants left them, filling the room with every breath spluttering from their lips. 

“That was,” the rest of her sentence was left hanging in the air. Spencer slowly pulled out of her, he tossed the condom away before finding his way back to her. A slow kiss was shared between them, with his hand cupping her cheek, and hers resting on his shoulders. 

“Perfect, like it was meant to be.”

[cherriegyuu]

midnight rain | lsm

pairing: seokmin x f!reader genre: angst, smut, a little bit of fluff word count: 17k summary: after seven years away, you finally return home. meeting seokmin again wasn't in your plans, but life wasn't willing to let you have it your way. warnings: minors do not interact, kissing, oral, swearing, penetrative sex, unprotected sex (don't do this) a/n: this is part of 1k event, it was requested the dearest @ressonancee. but also, it's part of svt ans songs from midnights. i just wrote two in one and something that was supposed to be short became this monster. i hope i wrote seokmin in a way you'll like it. prompt: “I don’t want anyone else. No one else can make me feel like you do." Seokmin ➝ Midnight Rain He was sunshine, I was midnight rain ↳ it was the oldest story in the world, the bright boy fell for the grumpy girl.

Letter #1

Seokmin,

You know, I've always been very proud of not being a very attached person. I've always been proud that I can put myself first and second, because I know I need to do it, because I know that no one else will do it for me. So, when I came here and dropped everything I had, I thought it would be a lot easier than it actually is.

When I turn around in bed at night, after days of trying to get used to the time zone and weeks to the weather and the people here — which are both bad and for completely different reasons, nothing is like in the movies — I always hope to find you there by my side and being able to snuggle up to you like I always did. I wake up in the morning and make enough coffee for two people and take two mugs out of the cupboard, and only then do I realize I'm alone here. I don't need two mugs and I made too much coffee. Sometimes, in the middle of the day, I find myself typing your number, which I have memorized despite the fact that no one remembers phone numbers, because phones exist for a reason.

You have no idea how much I miss you and what I would do to be able to hear your voice again. I would do anything, I swear I could. But I know I no longer have that right. I know that what I did is unforgivable and although I want your forgiveness, I hope you never forget what I did to you.

You were still good to me on the last day. You took me to the airport, you said goodbye to me, you hugged me tight like you know I like it and you did your best not to shed a tear in front of me.

Every now and then I catch myself thinking that I messed up. I could have done my master's where we graduated, I didn't need to move to the other side of the world and leave the life I knew behind. But at the same time, I accept it. Coming here was my dream, it was always what I dreamed of even when you were by my side as well. And maybe that's why I never told you about the application, about being approved. Maybe I waited until the end, until the very last second to tell you because I knew you were the only one capable of changing my mind.

When I was by your side, I started to dream of a different life, a life that had you at all times and in all aspects. But, as you may have already noticed, I chose my first dream.

I know I won't regret it. I can't afford to regret it. You’ll become who you always wanted to be and I’ll be there to give you a standing ovation. Not there, next to you, but from afar.

yn 

“That was Sunday Morning, by Hong Joshua. Ah, whenever I hear this song I remember my college days. I've said this here a few times, and I think I sound like a broken record by this point, but Joshua and I went to the same college and he was always singing this song in the hallways. Any small gathering between friends he would pull out the guitar and sing. So I'm sorry, but you're going to have to listen to this song at least once a week for the next year. Or until he releases the next one.”

Seokmin looked at the monitor to his right as a pre-recorded commercial for the next show started. The comments were going up too quickly, which made reading them an almost impossible mission.

On the other side of the glass, Chan made a sign indicating that the commercial was over. Seokmin looked at his friend as he lowered one finger after another and finally pointed at him. Chan placed a sheet of paper, which was always used, against the glass, which said “last, chat”. Indicating that he still had one more question to answer.

“We have time for one more question” Seokmin said, opening the internal chat he used with the other radio employees and read the question that Chan had sent “I ended a relationship of almost four years a few months ago, but I still can't understand what happened. I haven't even returned his things yet. How do I get in touch saying I want to return it?”

Seokmin swallowed. He knew that Chan hadn't done it on purpose, that he had no way of knowing everything that had happened between him and you, but he hated how much the question resonated in his head. It was a feeling he shared and for him it had been a little worse because you lived together during your last year of college. So when he entered the house and saw all the furniture, the decorations, your clothes still in the closet, it was like entering a time machine. In that 30 square meter space, for a few minutes, you still hadn't left.

He took a deep breath, away from the microphone so the sound wouldn't be picked, and leaned forward.

“It's a difficult question, really. If it's been a few months and he still hasn't picked his things up, it's because he doesn't need them, so I don't think you should bother contacting him. Hmmm”

He bit his lip and rested his elbows on the table, thinking if he should continue talking or if it would be better to stop there. Seokmin always thought it was better not to let personal feelings show on the radio, but he had moments when he couldn't follow his own rules.

“I can tell you from experience that sometimes silence is better. Because if you know the truth, it could hurt you even more. When I was in a similar situation, after a while I simply discarded the person's belongings. At first, it will be difficult, because you’ll see that shirt you gave as a gift, that letter you wrote and remember what it meant, the moment you gave those things to him. But little by little you will achieve it. Don't feel obligated to just move on when you're not ready. People will always tell you that it's about time, that it's been so many weeks or months. You’re the one who knows about your feelings.”

Chan knocked on the glass again, almost desperate because Seokmin's answer had been too long. It wasn't the first time he had gotten lost in what he was saying and maybe had been talking in circles. It always happened that he remembered you when he answered a question.

And in that specific question he was being a hypocrite because he knew that if he opened his closet, deep inside it, he would find at least two boxes full of your things hidden. He rarely went near those boxes, he liked to pretend they didn't exist and most days he managed to achieve that thought. But there were other days…

“So we come to the end of another Cupid's Corner with Minnie. See you again next week. Cupid’s Corner with Minnie: Unveiling Love’s Melody, One Relationship at a Time!”

Seokmin removed his headphones, stood up, and waved at the cameras he knew were pointed at him. He grabbed his phone and the bottle of water he always carried with him. The red light above the door finally went out and Seokmin left the studio.

Immediately, Chan appeared beside him. He had just gone blond, and it strangely suited him.

He knew the youngest was desperate, not that he was doing a good job of hiding it. The disheveled hair, pointing in all directions, also helped a lot.

“You’re going to have a heart attack if you continue like this” Seokmin said laughing.

Chan was the newest employee, handpicked by Seokmin a few months before. Seokmin needed someone to help him organize the broadcasts after his previous assistant quit because she had gotten a job in the field she had studied. Seokmin even talked to her and offered a higher salary that would come out of his own pocket, but nothing seemed to help. Not that he blamed her, in her place he would have done the same thing. But in the position he was in, changes made him uncomfortable so he did what he could to make sure everything stayed the same.

Maybe it was trauma.

“It’s because they yell at me, not you.”

One of the reasons Seokmin chose Chan as his new assistant was his sincerity. In the middle of the interview he “I think there are things in your program that need to change” and started listing things that he thought were dated or ideas that had been used too much and therefore didn't have the same effect on listeners. The others had found him presumptuous as if he wanted to know more than those who worked at the radio. Seokmin disagreed and that's how Chan got the job.

“They yell at you because you’re the new guy, no one yelled at Jiah”

Chan made a sound in the back of his throat, like a scoff.

“That's because everyone was afraid of her” Seokmin rolled his eyes and reached for the folder Chan was carrying “Oh, right. Tomorrow is your lecture for the communication classes, but they said it is possible that students from other courses will also be there, because it’llll be in the auditorium”

Seokmin nodded, reading the guidelines Chan had made. He needed to admit that he was organized and had absolute control over everything he did. He was sure that if he asked about Wonwoo's program, Chan would know how to answer as if he worked directly with him.

“You know how it is, I have fans” Chan pretended to vomit “If you go tomorrow, we’ll go out to dinner later, I’ll pay”

"Deal"

Seokmin always found it strange to be called to give lectures at the college where he studied. He wasn't a teacher and he didn't think he had done enough to be someone who could give advice to someone. In fact, Seokmin was sure he hadn't done anything big. His life, to put it very simply, was flat. At least, almost all of his life.

Seokmin has always been the type of guy who makes plans and follows through on those plans. When he was sixteen he got it into his head that he wanted to work in radio. It wasn't without reasons, of course. He joined the school radio and despite doing very little, because the school director had to know everything that would be done, even the nouns he would use in the sentence, he fell in love with the idea. That's why he decided he should study journalism in college, that way even if his radio career didn't work out, he would still have a profession.

But his dream was to work on a radio, to have his own program. So that's what he did.

He entered college as planned, sunk into student debt, and graduated exactly as he had planned. In his last semester, he got an internship at the biggest radio station in the country. He was on cloud nine. It was as if he had received the green light in life and everything was on the right track.

At least that's what he thought. At least that was what he had forced himself to believe. The internship became a permanent position and one day he just happened to be in the right place at the right time. That's why he never felt prepared to give anyone advice. Despite having decided on the career he wanted to pursue, he knew that he also needed to count on a little luck and help. The only words he could offer were “you work hard, study, make contacts, and throw the rest into luck’s hands”. It wasn't the kind of thing he wanted to hear when he was a student looking forward to the future, so he certainly wouldn't say it to anyone.

However, Chan convinced him that it would be a good idea to give the talk.

“You’re going to tell me how you got here, that’s all. An unknown face who quickly went on air to cover someone for one of the most beloved radio broadcasters in the country. I'm sure if you say that shit fell on your head, they'll like it” Chan had said laughing.

Overall the lecture went very well. Better than expected. He answered the questions as honestly as possible and used his best smile to get rid of the more awkward questions.

Despite the good day, he knew he didn't want to repeat the dose anytime soon.

“They want to know if you would be willing to do one of these a semester” Chan whispered because he knew the answer Seokmin would give, so it was better for the students not to hear.

“No” was all Seokmin said “But I’ll still buy you dinner”

Chan punched the air in celebration, catching the eyes of those around him, but he seemed to care very little.

"I just…"

What Seokmin was about to say, an announcement that he needed to go to the bathroom, died in his throat as he looked straight ahead.

Letter #2

Seokmin,

I thought I would be able to adapt faster here. It was very hard in the beginning with transport, getting around in general was very difficult. So I chose a weekend and went walking around the neighborhood where I live. I don't know how long I'll stay here, but I thought I should check it out. Besides, I can wake up in the middle of the night and decide that I want to eat something that I don't have at home, so it's good to know if there are any stores or markets that open in the middle of the night (in this neighborhood there aren't any, maybe that's why I won’t stay here).

I discovered that going out there, although productive, wasn't such a good idea. Nothing wrong happened, I didn't get hit on or someone was rude to me. Quite the contrary, most people pretended they weren't even seeing me. The problem was that everything made me think about you.

I walked by the store that sold a lot of random old things and decided to go in. You know I love filling the house with trinkets. I didn't find anything there that I liked, but I saw that they were selling camera films. For a moment I forgot everything that had happened and all I could think was, I think Seokmin is running out of film, I need to buy more because he will only realize when he doesn't have any left.

I bought it and brought it to the apartment. I opened the door and called your name. It was only later, when I noticed where I was, that it wasn't our apartment, that I realized what I had done.

Even without meaning to, even when I try not to, I find myself looking for you. Everywhere. I go to a restaurant and think about what you would like to eat, I see a dog on the street and I imagine you bending down to pet it. It's not on purpose, I just can't help it. I try, but it's in vain.

I wonder if it will pass. Will this feeling that I succeeded in my career but ruined my personal life disappear or will I feel like this forever — or at least for a good few years?

yn.

It was as if all the air had been ripped from your lungs and there was no way in the world to get you to breathe.

Somehow, some way, Seokmin was standing in front of you, in the middle of the college hallway.

For a moment it was as if you had been transported back in time, to when you were still 22 years old. In another moment you would have simply run up to him and thrown yourself into his arms as if you hadn't spent the whole night clinging to him, as if you hadn't seen each other before classes, as if you hadn't shared the smallest space in the world on the subway for 20 minutes. And your body seemed to remember all of this, like some kind of muscle memory, because you felt like you were being projected forward. Towards him.

You thought Seokmin would talk to you, you were sure he would. But you saw the way his gaze changed, the way it went from complete surprise to a hard look, completely different from anything you had ever seen from him.

In your memory, Seokmin was always brilliant and was always willing to welcome everyone with open arms, even when he felt more shy. You didn’t understand, that look he gave you was completely different from what you imagined could happen.

When you made the decision to return, you knew that there was a possibility of meeting Seokmin, no matter how small it was. You didn't know if he was still friends with the same people, if he still kept in touch with them. You certainly hadn't kept in touch with anyone - except for the two times you talked to Joshua. The possibility existed, but being realistic you knew it was as big as winning the lottery.

Of all the places you thought you could find Seokmin, college was the last one and maybe that was even why you accepted the job. When you were taking the last tests, the ones that would say whether you would graduate at the end of the semester or not, Seokmin was categorical in saying that he would never set foot inside college again. So you thought it was a place he would never go, but there he was. And in your first week, when you needed everything to go well. Not to show that you were ready and that you could do the job, but to reassure yourself that you had made the right choice in accepting the job.

You didn't have time to decide whether to talk to him or not. Seokmin made the decision for both of you. He continued walking as if you weren't there, talking to the boy next to him, laughing. The only indication that he knew who you were was silent once and one that only you could distinguish.

He turned around and left as if nothing had happened.

Was it possible that only you had felt that way? That just your heart had decided it didn't know how to beat, as if a storm was raging inside your body?

You didn't have time to analyze what had just happened. You just forced yourself to take a deep breath and also keep walking as if those brief seconds weren't enough to make your entire world turn completely upside down.

Seokmin dragged his feet into the room, tripping over the rug at the foot of the bed. A curse came out of his mouth, followed by a burp. When he invited Chan to dinner he had no intention of ending the night drunk, being carried home like someone who had just had his first drink.

It had been years since he had gotten that bad and it was comical that the previous occasion was also connected to you.

The memory of leaving you at the airport, on a flight in the middle of the night, was still vivid in Seokmin's mind. Worse than that memory, was the one of you telling him that you had gotten a place in a master's degree on the other side of the world, 18 hours before leaving the country.

“I need to tell you something” you said as he pulled his coat over his head and patted his pockets, making sure he had grabbed his keys, wallet, and phone. He needed to leave as quickly as possible, he was already late.

Seokmin had plans to ask you to marry him. He had rented a house where you could spend the weekend, where it would be possible to see the stars. He had prepared himself, but he needed to leave right that second so he would have enough time to go to the house, get everything ready and come back to get you. The owner of the house would help him, since Seokmin decided that he wouldn't tell any of his friends because they might just ruin the surprise.

“I'm already late” he said, quickly looking at his watch. "Did something happen?"

He asked, noticing your already somewhat desperate look. He knew that whatever had happened couldn't be good.

To be honest, he had noticed that something was wrong a few weeks before, and for a while, he decided it would be better not to get into it too much. He knew you well enough to know that you would offer the information when you felt ready to do so. But thinking back on everything, he wished he had asked before, he wished he hadn't given you space, he wished he had forced you to talk to him sooner.

“I passed my master’s degree abroad”

Seokmin’s first reaction was to be happy for you. He knew how much you wanted that, that it was your dream. So he did what any boyfriend would do, he hugged you and congratulated you, told you that you had tried so hard and that they would be idiots not to accept you. The feeling was true and his smile was genuine. He was happy for you.

Knowing what he knew, every now and then Seokmin wondered if he would have done anything differently if he knew what the next words would be out of your mouth. He could have made a fuss, he could have begged you to stay, he could have offered to go with you. But at the time he didn't do any of that.

“I’m leaving today, I need to be at the airport at 11 pm”

Seokmin's ears rang deafeningly. It was as if he had been punched and needed to brace himself against something. The sofa was the closest piece of furniture.

He thought he heard it wrong, he wished he was dreaming, but all he had to do was look at you. It was true. It was as if a puzzle was being completed in Seokmin's mind. The way you had suddenly become distant, how every time he entered the room you hurried to change or close whatever you were looking at on the computer. He didn't even know you signed up. He imagined that you must have done some kind of test, some interview and he didn't even know anything about it.

He had no idea.

Had he been a bad boyfriend, someone who was so focused on making the long-awaited proposal that he had ignored everything else? Or had you hidden it so well that he hadn't noticed?

"What? You’re leaving today?"

It was like the world was spinning too fast and he was trying to keep up with what was happening. It was like being on a roller coaster that kept on falling. He remembered well how the little box with the ring he had carefully chosen weighed in his pocket.

“I didn’t even know you had applied for a position” he whispered, almost just to himself “You didn’t tell me”

And it was at that exact moment, when he looked at you, that Seokmin realized that your relationship was over. You avoided looking at him, your hands were buried deep in the pockets of your coat, which was his. He saw your eyes fill with tears, you swallow hard, and remain silent.

It was unlike you, to stay quiet when you had too many things going through your head. He desperately wanted you to talk to him, to tell him what had been going through your head. He just wanted to understand. Did you believe he would somehow stop you from going? If there was one thing he knew about you, it was the fact that you always put your education first. It wasn't a secret and you didn't want it to be. He just didn't expect things to happen that way.

Seokmin sat in front of the closet, on the floor, and with difficulty opened the doors. Deep in the back, behind several shoe boxes, were two old boxes that he hadn't moved in years. Part of him wished the things inside the boxes were ruined, that they had mold and anything else that could ruin its content. But he had been careful, kept everything in order, taken all necessary precautions, and cleaned the closet periodically.

He ignored the first box and pulled the smaller one towards him, placing it on his bent legs. Seokmin wasn't one to revisit those memories, he liked to keep them as far away from him as possible, but on nights like those, it was impossible.

Seokmin knew what he would find and was sure how he would feel, but he still took the lid off the box, but he didn't dare take out any of the items inside it.

He knew he had reached his lowest point when he was holding on to memories he had of you and not focusing on what was actually happening in his life.

Letter #3

Seokmin,

I talked to Joshua today. Talk is a bit too strong of a word. We exchanged a few words on Instagram. He posted a photo and I liked it, he sent me a DM asking if I was ok and how things were going. I lied, of course. He said everything was fine and he was happy. He didn't talk about you and I didn't ask.

It was very hard to contain myself. I want to know how you are. The more selfish part of my brain wants you to be just as bad as I feel. You know that little demon that sits on our shoulder? He assures me you're even worse. And I hate to think that's the case, but at the same time, I'm sure you're not okay. I know you, we dated for four years, we lived together for almost two years

You were always the more emotional one of the two of us. You were never afraid to show your feelings, not for me or anyone else. You always loved so openly, without any fear. I admit that at first, it scared me a little.

I was an 18-year-old girl who came from a family that had no idea how to show affection, so I was always more reserved in that aspect. And there you were with your beautiful, bright smile, with open arms, affectionate with anyone who came along. I thought you were a crazy person who didn't have the slightest notion of the world. It took a while for me to realize that your world was brighter than mine in ways I couldn't understand.

You were always so untethered, free, showing yourself to anyone who had eyes. When I was closed and more reclusive, you were open and expansive. When I was very shy or reserved, you were more charming and brighter than usual. Not even my worst mood, which seemed endless at times, was a problem for you.

One day you just showed up and decided that you would stay by my side, no matter what. Believe me when I say, I tried to push you away. But with each passing day you were further under my skin.

A kiss at a random party turned into a date at every party, parties became meetings at the college library, which led to coffee dates. One day you decided at the end of each date you had to take me back to the dorms and you kissed me for a long time on the side of the building where no one could see — or at least I made myself believe no one did. Then that alone wasn't enough and you were always with your fingers intertwined with mine, or your arm around my waist. And kisses were no longer reserved for empty streets, of course not. You kissed me anywhere, anytime, no matter who was watching.

You were sneaky, Seokmin.

When I realized it, I was in love with you. Your arms were my refuge. You were my safe space. My home.

yn.

You hated that Seokmin’s reaction, or lack thereof, had gotten to you so much. It was like being punched, and then one more, soon the punch became a beating and to finish with a flourish, it was as if a truck had run over you.

You had plans to go out at the weekend, though alone. Everything was so different, the places you knew no longer existed and friends from the past no longer spoke to you. You would have to rediscover the city without anyone's help. Despite your plans, you couldn't bring yourself to leave the house.

When you decided to return, you knew there would be no way to escape Seokmin. He had become successful not only in his career as a broadcaster but also as a celebrity of sorts. You never imagined you would see his face in magazines or on billboards selling fried chicken. You didn't expect that when you turned on the TV you would see his face in different programs.

In fact, you knew all of that was happening, but somehow you managed to convince yourself that you wouldn't have to see any of it. You managed to make yourself believe that you would not be haunted by his images and voice.

When you were away, you always listened to his programs, more than once each one, but it was almost like a relationship between fan and celebrity. You could separate very well what was him and what was you. But being there, in the same country, in the same city, it was much more difficult to make that separation.

Because once you were back, Seokmin was no longer just the radio host with a show about relationships. Far from it. Seokmin was your college sweetheart, the guy whose heart you broke but who, even after seven years, was still in love with.

That was the reality. you were still in love with him. There was no relationship in the world, no man in the world, that would have made you forget about Seokmin. Sometimes it worked, sometimes you managed to forget about him for a few months and that feeling of loss, of emptiness, that had settled deep inside your heart became smaller and smaller. And then it would come back full on as if it had never left.

Maybe that was your curse, your punishment for leaving behind someone you could have spent the rest of your life with. And somehow you knew you would have been happy. Or at least a different kind of happiness.

After spending the weekend holed up inside your apartment, after convincing yourself that you needed to prepare for teaching classes and unpacking the move, she decided that on Tuesday night she would explore the city.

Exploring wasn't the right word. You had discovered that one of your favorite restaurants still existed, it had just changed location. And, despite being on the other side of the city and being completely aware that you would have to pay a fortune for a taxi or risk taking the subway alone almost at closing time, you decided to go anyway.

You needed to feel like one thing hadn't changed, or at least still be recognizable.

You heard your name being called a few minutes after sitting down. You raised your head, recognizing the voice, but couldn't tell who it belonged to. Directly in front of you was a woman, with short hair, in her fifties.

“It’s really you!”

You stood up and a second later you were being hugged. Maybe you had gone there for that reason, knowing that there would be someone there who would recognize you. Or at least you hoped there was. And when you were welcomed with open arms by her owner, Niah, you wanted to cry for the first time in a long time.

“Hi” was all you could offer, your voice weak.

You quickly turned your face away, trying to be discreet as you wiped away your tears. The last thing you wanted was to cry in front of someone else. Tears were reserved for dark moments in the silence of your apartment, they weren't meant to be seen by people you didn't even know in a crowded restaurant.

“Look how beautiful you look. You haven't been around for so long. Seokmin told us that you had gone abroad to study, but I thought you would come back sooner.”

You just managed to smile, even though it was embarrassing. It was strange to hear his name coming out of someone else's mouth so easily. For years, his name was just an echo in your own mind, almost as if it were a fantasy of yours.

There were days when you managed to convince yourself of this, that Seokmin was nothing more than a dream.

“Are you just visiting or are you back to stay?”

“I'm staying” you said after a second, when you managed to find your voice again “I got a job here, I have nowhere to run”

Niah laughed and hugged you once again, tighter this time.

"Great, that makes me happy. We always miss you” Niah smiled and ran her fingers down your cheeks, brushing away some tears that were stubborn to fall “What do you want to eat? Today it's on the house. Consider it a welcome gift.”

You took a deep breath, swallowing the lump in your throat and the remaining tears.

"What do you recommend?"

The amazing thing about meeting Niah again was that she still acted exactly the same way. She didn't see you as someone who had simply packed a suitcase of clothes and left the country overnight. To Niah you were still that same person from 7 years ago who ate whatever she put in front of. You and Seokmin were always guinea pigs for all the new recipes.

The food was still wonderful, if anything it had just gotten better.

You had a fork halfway to your mouth when you heard the door open, the sound of the bell indicating the entry of a new customer. You almost instinctively turned to look. You choked on your own saliva when your eyes met Seokmin's.

It was as if you were back in the hallway that day. Your heart simply stopped, and the world fell into suspension. For a moment, it was as if you had been transported to the past. You were almost certain that if you looked at the table you would see books open next to the cutlery; you knew that if you looked at Seokmin for another second or two his face would break into the most beautiful smile, he would wave and call your name.

But your illusion shattered into small pieces as his neutral expression contorted into a frown. With the same foot he entered he turned to leave.

“Seokmin!” you called him, getting up from your chair.

Part of you thought he was going to continue out the door, but he stopped. Half of his body was outside the restaurant, the other inside.

“Hurry up and close that door!” Niah said leaving the kitchen “You’re letting out all the heat”

Even with Niah's voice calling him, Seokmin remained standing at the door. You sat back down, but without taking your eyes off him. He didn't know what he expected of him, but he felt an indescribable relief when Niah pulled him by the sleeve of his coat and forced him to sit in front of you.

“The restaurant is packed, so you will have to share a table” she said as she turned her back.

Seokmin shook his head, clearly against sitting there, staying in the restaurant, but he still took off his coat and hung it on the chair before leaning back and crossing his arms over his chest.

It was clear he was working out, his shoulders had gotten broader and his arms bigger since you last saw each other. You almost laughed at the pose, remembering all the times you had seen him in a similar situation. But this wasn't the time to laugh when everything else was screaming that he was uncomfortable with the situation, that he didn't want to be there.

It didn't take a genius to know that Seokmin wanted nothing to do with you. His reaction to seeing you in the hallway the week before and the way he was looking at you in that moment were enough answers.

You felt like the walls were closing in around you and there wasn't enough air in the room.

What were you thinking when you called his name? What were you thinking when you silently watched Niah pull him inside? Why were you still sitting there?

A waiter who worked with Niah passed by your table and you called him discreetly, not wanting to attract the attention of the restaurant owner.

“Can you wrap everything to go, please?” you turned to Seokmin “You can have the table. I was already leaving”

It was a lie, but he didn't need to know that.

Seokmin laughed lowly, scornfully, his sideways smile making the hair on your arms stand on end. In general, Seokmin has always been the type of guy who didn’t lose his cool easily, who would always rather let things go than have any kind of confrontation. But when he really got stressed out or nervous, it took a while for him to calm down again.

You had seen that storm in his eyes very few times in the years you spent together. The last one was when he went to the airport to say goodbye to you. That day the storm was just confusion and pain, you knew you had done that to him. But he sat there in the restaurant, in front of you, in silence while the people around him chatted animatedly, completely oblivious to what was happening between the two of you.

"What it was?" you rolled your eyes.

“Ah, nothing” he said, waving his hand in a dismissive gesture “It’s just like you to do that”

You narrowed your eyes at the same time you felt your cheeks get hot.

"Do what?"

"Runaway"

Letter #4

Seokmin, 

It took me almost a year to convince myself that it was okay for me to look at social media. I convinced myself that every woman does this, that every now and then we look at our ex-boyfriend's Instagram, just to find out if his new girlfriend is ugly. I've told you this several times, but every female experience is universal.

I wish you were one of those low profile people, who post a picture every 6 months and it's a cut mango on a pretty plate. I wish you hadn't posted so many pictures. But more than anything, I wish I hadn't spent hours and hours looking at the photos. I wish I hadn't been analyzing every photo of you, I wish I hadn't thought “that's a new mole” and wondered which others had appeared since the last time we saw each other.

I had memorized every mole of yours. On your face, on your arms, on your back. On the worst days, when I missed you in a way that almost made me give up everything and go home, I kept remembering each one of them. I tried to remember the sound of your laugh, your voice, how you stroked my hair until I fell asleep when it wasn't a good day.

I keep wondering if one day this feeling will just go away.

It's been a year since I left. I went out with other guys, and I almost dated one of them, but you're always there in the back of my mind, almost comically because even against my will I can't help but compare them to you. I can't help but think that only you know how I like my coffee, how only you know that if I'm in my worst mood, there's no joke in the world that can make me laugh.

I know it's not fair to them. I gave you the chance to get to know me, I allowed you to get closer. I wanted you to come closer to me. Now I wonder if you're doing this for someone other than me.

I like to imagine that you also compare other women to me, that even now that you're dating I stay there, in the back of your mind, making fun of you.

Unfortunately, she's not ugly, but your smile was brighter when I was next to you.

yn.

To say that Seokmin had spent the rest of the week in an envious mood was an understatement. He was stressed and everyone around him soon noticed the change. He really tried not to let his personal life get in the way of his work. It was something he never struggled with. Work was work, what happened when the lights went out and he left the radio should never cross paths with each other. That week, however, it was impossible.

Meeting you at the restaurant caught him off guard. That day in the college hallway had been difficult, but he managed to just keep walking as if nothing had happened. He liked to pretend like he hadn't gone out with Chan right after and drank like there was no tomorrow, like he hadn't opened the boxes he had kept for years and cried while looking at the photos of the two of you together.

He had gone to the restaurant that day because he needed some form of comfort and didn't want to call any of his friends because he knew he would end up telling them everything that happened and would receive advice and words he would rather not hear. The restaurant was the best idea he had. Or maybe the worst possible one.

Maybe he had done it consciously, because he wanted to see you one more time, and wanted to make sure he hadn't imagined you. It wouldn't have been the first time.

In the first few months after you left, Seokmin got into the habit of visiting places he went with you, or places you liked to go alone. It was probably a form of torture, but he liked to imagine it was a way to forget and overcome the breakup. On several of those days, he believed he saw you. He realistically knew it wasn't you, he clearly remembered seeing you get on the plane and waited until it took off to leave the airport.

The worst thing that could have happened to him was you calling for him. Seokmin couldn't help but wonder if he had always reacted that way to you, if your presence was always so great that before he even saw you he knew you were nearby. That day, as soon as he opened the door, before he even saw you sitting there with your eyes wide open, he knew. He knew you were there.

The last thing he expected from you was you saying his name, as if asking him to sit with you, that Niah, knowing how the relationship had ended, would have made him sit in front of you.

Seokmin noticed your discomfort, the way your spine had become a little straighter, the way your eyes were hard and cautious at the same time. Your reaction made him angry. What right did you have to behave that way, as if you were hurt when all the decisions regarding a relationship both of you were in had been made by you?

You were the one who signed up for a master's degree abroad. It was you who never told him about your decision. It was you who kept everything secret, making him believe that the two of you were on the same page and that despite your different goals, you would be able to pursue them together.

Turns out he was wrong, those dreams were just his and didn't include him.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Chan asked for the thousandth time.

For the first time in a long time, Seokmin was having a hard time hiding how he really felt. That polished, carefully carved mask had fallen. It was a completely atypical day and everyone was able to notice his sudden change in mood. Even Chan, who normally did a great job of ignoring all the problems around him and focusing solely on his work, seemed to be walking on eggshells around him.

“It’s really obvious, isn’t it?” Seokmin asked in a low voice and Chan just nodded "And if I pretend it's because of the new segment, will anyone believe it?"

Again, Chan nodded. Since he had started the program, 3 years before, Seokmin would receive calls and speak directly to listeners. Although there were always interactions, those were always done through live chat and email when he received questions or stories from people who were not listening to the program when it was airing.

Seokmin wasn't nervous about the idea, he was actually excited. Chan knew this and knew that whatever the problem was, it was still the same as the day of the lecture. He didn't want to ask, and he didn't want to seem invasive, but he still wanted to make sure Seokmin was okay — or at least, well enough to do the program.

“I think everyone is already thinking that” was a lie and even Seokmin knew it, but he was grateful.

“You may already know this, but today we will start a new segment. We'll call it the heart to heart helpline, at least until we find a better name at least” Seokmin's voice and laugh resonated through the taxi “We'll take your calls and some of you will be able to talk to me and ask your questions live, instead of by chat. Each person will have a maximum of 2 minutes and we will answer 6 calls today”

You had left the house completely willing to avoid anything related to Seokmin. Realistically, you knew you couldn't do anything about the billboards and his face at bus stops, but you could very well avoid his radio show. And for a few weeks you had managed to do just that.

That day at the restaurant had almost been a cathartic moment. Somehow, it was as if something had clicked and fallen into place. The Seokmin you left behind no longer existed. It had been a naive thought to think so. You didn't expect that he would still be exactly the same person, of course not. Seven years had passed and Seokmin, like you, was approaching his thirties. Obviously, many things had changed, but you still expected to see traces of that 22-year-old boy you had known and loved.

You didn't spend more than five minutes with him at that table. And it was much more than enough. He had accused you of running away, of continuing to do this for years. Of course, that could be his view on everything, but it was never your intention. The only problem was that you hadn't been able to tell him those things. You had been so lost and so completely helpless in front of him that you had forgotten that you knew how to speak and form sentences.

You had spent years of your life writing letters to him, letters that he would never read, but that was beside the point. You wrote letters as a way to appease the emptiness you felt in your heart. You never, not for a second, thought you were running away. You never wanted to run away, but Seokmin seemed to believe you did.

In a sudden burst of anger, you took your phone out of your bag and dialed the number Seokmin spoke on the radio. You didn't expect your call to go through. In fact, you didn't even know what you expected.

“Please wait a minute, we will connect your call” a non-robotic voice said as you paid for the taxi.

Seokmin was still chatting animatedly with a listener who didn't have a real question, but who “just wanted to say that I really liked your show and that I’m a fan.” It was impossible not to roll your eyes. If she, and everyone else, knew how much of a complete asshole he could be just because he had the opportunity, they would never want to see his face again.

Or maybe they would team up against you in favor of the immaculate Seokmin. God knew how easily a man could turn public opinion in his favor with a beautiful smile. And God was also a witness that Seokmin's smile was simply wonderful, one that took your breath away, one that made you smile along because it was contagious.

“Welcome to the heart to heart helpline” Seokmin’s voice sounded in your ear “What’s your question?”

You didn't really think that your call would get through to Seokmin, you didn't think the signal would be good enough inside the elevator, but none of that seemed to be a problem.

“Hello, can you hear me?” he asked.

You took a deep breath and closed your eyes. You knew you were going really crazy, but you decided to throw caution out the window and be the crazy person everyone used to believe you were.

“Yes, I’m here” you could have sworn, that even over the phone, you felt Seokmin tense up “It’s a question about an old relationship, we broke up years ago, if that’s okay”

You struggled with your keys, trying to unlock the door as quickly as possible. You needed to get to your computer or tablet, whichever was closer. It was almost a physical necessity to see Seokmin's reaction to your voice, your question.

You always knew how to tell if he was truly calm or if he was masking what he was feeling. You wanted to know if you still had any other sort of effect on him. Whatever it was, it was better than angry disdain.

“Old relationships should stay in the past, don’t you think?” he finally said.

You nodded as you ran into your room. You knew you would find the tablet under your pillow — you were sure that if your mother saw it she would say that your brain would explode due to the radiation from the device. With a few taps, you opened the stream of Seokmin's program.

“I think so. But the problem is that we keep seeing each other. I don’t think it’s something either of us want, but it seems inevitable.”

You turned the sound off, you just wanted to focus on his reactions. Seokmin swallowed hard, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes fixed on the microphone in front of him. To anyone, it just seemed like he was concentrating on the call, on what the person on the other end of the line had to say, but you knew very well that it was to hide his reactions.

"Your question?"

“Well, he called me selfish and said I ran away when we broke up, but that's not exactly what happened. I wanted to talk to him, but I don’t think he wants to listen to me.”

Seokmin took a deep breath and seemed to think about what to say next, his eyes no longer on the microphone, but on the ceiling.

“And why does he think that about you? You probably gave him reasons, don't you think? I don’t think anyone would think that about someone without anything having happened.”

“I always dreamed of studying abroad, so when the opportunity came, I went. I…"

“Did you tell him you were going?” Seokmin clenched his fists on the desk, his fingers gripped the pen in his hand tightly until his knuckles were white. “Did you give him a chance to say something or did you just walk away?”

You were speechless, eyes focused only on Seokmin. The way his hair perfectly framed his face, his sculpted thin nose. He was still exactly like he was seven years ago, just somehow different. He was the same, but he also wasn't.

You hadn't given him the chance to say anything, you had just walked away, but because you believed it was the best thing to do. You would have stayed if he had asked, I would have aborted all of your plans for him,

“Long distance relationships don’t work” you said finally, your voice lower “especially when there’s an ocean separating people”

“I'm going to guess and say that you were together for a while because I don't think anyone would care that much about a quick relationship” his voice became more sober, completely in control of his emotions, the opposite of what you felt,  like you were enclosed every second that passed “I agree with you, long-distance relationships don’t work. Different cities are already complicated, I can't imagine what it would be like to be with someone who lives in another country. You didn't give many details, but I believe he had reasons to feel that way, just as you had your reasons for leaving without warning. I think the best thing for both of you is to let it fall into oblivion. It makes no sense for either of you to dwell on these feelings. Maybe your desire to talk exists because you think you've left things open with him, but he may think that what's in the past shouldn't be remembered. Maybe you're just a bad relationship he wants to forget.”

Letter #5

Seokmin

I found out by chance that you now have your own radio show. One day it was an empty slot in the schedule and the next it was your voice. To my joy and delight, it was one of those programs that also had video streaming. I say joy and delight in a very ironic way.

But I'm not lying when I say I'm happy for you. You always said it was your dream and in a way, here we are, achieving our dreams. It would have been better if we could have lived through this together, I think. Maybe if that were the case I wouldn't have this empty feeling inside my chest.

But I discovered a long time ago that I can't keep crying over spilled milk. I left and you moved on with your life. They were conscious choices, I knew what I was doing. I knew that making this choice would have hurt both of us, but I also knew that we could overcome it. It's just taking longer than expected. I honestly thought that by this point, so many years later, we would have been able to live as if the past were just that, the past.

But it's not like that for me or for you.

I may be completely crazy, but your show is about love advice and how to deal with heartbreak. Sometimes, when I hear you talk, I'm sure you've already dealt with all your feelings, after all, you've had other girlfriends. But there are other moments, when you answer a question or when you read one of the pre-written texts when I'm sure that what you said applies directly to what we both had.

I'm going crazy, aren't I?

It's been four years since I left. I already finished my master's degree and started my PhD, exactly as planned. I have a date tonight with a guy who seems genuinely nice, but here I am, writing yet another letter that will never be sent to the guy I was in love with.

What am I still doing?

yn

Seokmin had always believed that for a relationship to truly end there must be no trace of it anywhere. When he told his listeners that they should get rid of items, it was not a lie. He was just terrible at following his own advice. The old story of do as I say, not as I do.

Finally, he decided it was time to take his own advice. With a little pain and resentment added to the mix, of course. At this point, he wondered if he could already be considered a masochist or if he still had a few boxes to tick to get the title.

Getting your address had been easier than expected. All he had to do was ask Niah, who offered the information without any resistance.

“Being thirty didn't make either of you any smarter,” she said as she leaned across the table and wrote the address on the napkin.

“Almost thirty” he felt the need to correct her, but decided he would ignore the hidden message in her words.

Seokmin never stopped going to Niah's restaurant. It was there that he had cried his sorrows over the cheapest drinks possible, he didn't have the money to pay for the good ones, while Joshua tried to console him. He had never seen Niah so stressed and angry. She hadn't said anything, but you could clearly hear the sound of her cutting the vegetables more aggressively than necessary.

Little by little she became calmer about the situation and started talking about you with the same affection as before. Seokmin always thought she had somehow kept in touch with you, or at least found a way to get your number or a way to contact you. At first, he had been angry, but somehow he believed he didn't have that right. It was only after a year that Seokmin decided to ask and the answer he received was “if I still had contact with her, I would have already screamed at her about disappearing without telling anyone”.

Asking Niah for your address was the only option he had. He refused to go to college, where you worked. He didn't know what would happen, whether you would be friendly with each other or the conversation would end in a shouting match just because. Because after years of no contact and considering the way things ended, it was pretty obvious that resentment could resurface — at least Seokmin had resentment up to his neck and knew that not releasing them all at once required almost inhuman self-control. 

He looked at the building one more time before getting out of the car. It was one of those without a doorman. Seokmin knew that if he rang and asked to be let in, the probability of being sent to hell was very high. So he pulled up his cap down and covered as much of his face as he could while he balanced the boxes on his arms.

He stood there like a madman for almost twenty minutes until someone finally left the building. Seokmin felt like he was committing a crime when he slipped through the door before it closed. Even though the feeling was strange he made himself believe it was the only option he had and he really didn't have any bad intentions. He just wanted to return your things and, hopefully, arrange that if you ever met again, you’d simply pretend you don't know each other, instead of talking nonsense to each other.

Seokmin took a deep breath once before knocking on the door. He heard footsteps and a second later the door opened.

When you imagined what your Wednesday night would be like, the only option that crossed your mind was to order a pizza and watch a movie — the random option of Netflix seemed like your best friend and the only possible option because you weren't even able to choose what to watch by yourself.

Not even in your wildest daydreams could you have imagined that Seokmin would show up at your door with two boxes in his hand.

You were partially tempted to close the door on his face, but you knew that doing so would only make the whole situation worse. If Seokmin, who clearly didn't have any good feelings about you, was standing there at your door it was because he had something to say. Or more precisely to hand it over to you, considering the boxes in his arms.

Silently you stepped aside so he had enough room to enter. You wanted to slap yourself for the complete war zone that your living room was in. You were still unpacking the moving boxes, not that you had taken much with you. It was too expensive to send things from one country to another, especially furniture. You had only focused on your clothes and books and a few things you wanted to keep, and that alone was more than you were willing to spend. In addition to the boxes, you had all the things you still had to buy, but you still didn't have the mind to do it.

You had so much going through your head that cleaning the apartment was just another task you wanted to avoid. But it was one that could be left for later. In the few minutes that Seokmin spent there, you wished you had tidied it up, that he hadn't seen how that room represented your life at that moment: a complete mess.

"What are you doing here?" you finally asked when you managed to get your vocal cords to work properly.

Seokmin didn't seem to care about the mess but paid attention to everything else around him.

He placed the boxes on the counter and took off his cap, pressing the brims with his fingertips looking for what to say next. He had rehearsed an almost poetic speech in the car, something about being adults and how your relationship had ended a long time ago, so neither of you should have any regrets left. But the moment you opened the door and looked at him it was as if all the words had simply evaporated from his mind, as if he had never learned to speak in the first place.

It had always been that way with you. Sometimes when he looked at you, even when you were still together, he got lost. He was like a man adrift who had finally found solid land. It was as if he heard a click and the world started to move once again.

One of his favorite things, when you were dating and living together, was being able to come home after an exhausting day and see you sitting on the sofa in the living room, your computer on your lap, while you studied, occasionally shouting profanities at the computer. On those days, Seokmin would simply push the computer away and lay his head on your lap.

“Just five minutes” he used to say with his eyes closed.

You’d laugh, fingers immediately running through his hair, as if it was the most natural movement in the world.

“Who do you want me to insult today? You know my vocabulary is very colorful.”

How many times had he slept in that position, without meaning to, and you had to drag him to bed because “it's comfortable for you, but my legs are numb and you have to take a shower, you won't sleep dirty next to me, sir”.

It was impossible not to wonder where it all went wrong.

“I came to return your things” he pointed at the boxes.

You suppressed the urge to bend down and rummage through the boxes. You wanted to know what he had kept, what he considered important enough to keep for so many years. You knew he no longer lived in the apartment you shared. When you were looking for apartments you saw that that one was up for rent. It was necessary to restrain yourself from choosing it. It wasn't a good apartment, at least not at the time — the photos on the website said the property had undergone renovations two years earlier and had no tenants since. It wasn't big, it barely fit one person, but it was what your extremely limited budget could afford at the time. Somehow you and Seokmin turned that small space into a home full of life. Of love.

In the places where you lived, you bought all kinds of trinkets to fill the space, furniture you didn't need and never used, hoping to imitate, for even a second, the feeling you had in that little 35 square meter apartment.

You never quite managed to do that.

“Thank you” you said sincerely “I thought all my things had gone in the trash”

You laughed and Seokmin squeezed the back of his head and pointed at the boxes.

“I sold what I could, I didn't want to put it in storage because I really thought we would never see each other again. The money is in an envelope”

“Why did you keep all this?” the words came out of your mouth before you could stop yourself “You should have thrown it away or, since you sold it, you should have spent the money”

Seokmin had asked himself that question several times before, sober or not, and he never had an answer. After a while, he simply stopped questioning and accepted it as something he had to do, to have some kind of sanity. It didn’t. Knowing that those boxes were inside his wardrobe, having to go through them the two times he moved, only brought back memories that he would like to forget.

Ever since you had seen each other again for the first time, memories that Seokmin had struggled to bury came to the surface as if they had just happened. He started to dream about you, dreams that range from memories to things that never actually happened, he started to wonder if it would be okay to talk with someone. His brain always screamed NO, so he was stuck just dreaming.

“I don’t have a good enough reason. It is what it is, I guess,” he said.

The last time Seokmin felt so embarrassed around you was right when you met and even then it only lasted a few minutes. The 18 year old Seokmin was much braver than the 29 year old man in front of him.

That boy, without any guilt or remorse, would have asked every question that could cross his mind. You’d say “your mind is beautiful, it even echoes sometimes”. Seokmin wanted to still have some of that boy's strength. Maybe that was the only way to know what he wanted. He wouldn't ask and he knew you wouldn't offer the information to him without being pressured.

“I think in the end, we both got what we wanted.”

You realized you said the wrong thing when you looked at Seokmin’s hands. A second before he was clutching his cap until his knuckles turned white, the next his long fingers were still. You didn't want to see the expression on his face. You knew what you’d find. You messed up, but couldn’t take back what you said.

“You got what you wanted” Seokmin corrected you, his voice firm, his tone hard.

“You always wanted to have a radio show”

“No, I wanted you. I could adapt to everything else if it meant I would have you.”

You shook your head. You knew it wasn't true. Hell, even Seokmin knew it wasn’t true. The first time you talked, Seokmin mentioned how much he wanted to be a radio host and have his own show, of any kind. I don't have a preference, I know I can give anything my own colors. You felt envious of his certainty, of the way he knew he could do it.

“The show has always been your dream” you tried again, despite knowing it was in vain to argue with him.

“My dream was to have a life by your side. You never, not once, told me that you signed up to study abroad, you never even mentioned it. When it was time to go you just got on a plane and disappeared. You never even gave me the chance to follow you. I could have been a journalist anywhere in the world”

Seokmin hated the direction of that conversation, hated being so exposed in front of you after so many years. In the past, it wasn't a problem. Before he wanted to be exposed in front of you, he wanted to share everything he was, every aspect of himself with you. No more. The problem was that he couldn't just stop. A gate was opened and there was no way to close it.

“So, what? Would we both be living based on our dreams? Because this is a dream, and you know it very well.”

You clung to the top rail of the chair, your head lolling forward in an almost futile attempt to stop him from seeing the tears forming in your eyes. You knew you couldn't hold them.

You weren't the type of person who cried often, you did what you could to avoid it, but when the tears came it was impossible to simply stop them from falling.

“Yeah, maybe I was really dreaming, because I believed that you loved me in the same proportion, but it’s quite obvious that you didn’t”

Seven years of pent-up frustration couldn't just disappear, he should have known. He should have imagined that going there would be a problem, that being in the same space as you without any kind of interference was a mistake. But he was still there and there was no way to escape. It was better to end everything quickly than to keep those feelings for another seven years in the hopes of one day being able to say something.

Seokmin watched as you went to one of the boxes in the corner of the room and opened it forcefully, tearing the cardboard, and causing some of the contents to slide across the floor. He felt his body freeze as a roll of film stopped at his feet.

“So explain to me, why do I buy a roll of film every time I pass by a store?” you put both hands inside the box and took out several rolls of film, of different brands and models. “Explain to me, why have I followed your career all this time and never missed a damn show in the last 3 years? Why would I wake up in the middle of the night to watch the broadcast and then listen to the show again while going to work because I just wanted to hear your voice?”

You walked to another box, but you opened this one a little more carefully as if wanting to protect the contents.

“Why did I spend 7 years writing letters that would never be read to a guy I never loved?”

You threw several envelopes at Seokmin’s chest. Your face and body shook out of anger or another feeling he couldn't quite tell.

Seokmin bent down to pick up one of the envelopes from the floor. His name was written in your careful handwriting. He didn't need to look at all the other ones to know that they were also addressed to him. He didn't know how many letters were scattered on the floor, or if there were any left in the box. The only thing he was sure of was that he had no idea how to proceed.

“If that doesn’t say I loved you, if that doesn’t say I still love you, I don’t know what the fuck does.”

Seokmin saw the first tear run down your face and fell silent. He knew he should turn his back, he knew he should walk away, just like you did seven years before. Instead, he took four steps in your direction, his eyes never left your heaving chest and the tears that ran freely over your cheeks. 

At that moment he knew that he only had two options: he could turn around and leave, he gave you back your things that alone made his plan a success; or he could kiss you like he had been wanting to since the moment he saw you again.

To hell with his plan.

Seokmin held your face in his hands and pulled you to him, crashing his lips on yours. It was an all too new feeling but also familiar, almost like coming to a remodeled home. It was him and it was you, if only it was just that simple. 

You sighed into him, your arms wrapping around his slim waist while your hand balled a fist full of his shirt. There were so many moments where you wished you could be right in that spot, again in his arms. Dreams and daydreams, wishful thinking, whatever you could call it. Thoughts of Seokmin had always been a constant in your mind. It was impossible not to compare other people you went out with to him. 

Your longest relationship had been one of almost a full year. Although the beginning had been good and easy, with you somehow managing to avoid any and all Seokmin related dreams and thoughts, it turned sour the second he crossed your mind.

“Seokmin, I…”

He shook his head and pressed his forehead to yours, eyes so intense that it was difficult to keep looking at him. 

“Let’s not overthink it, okay?” was all he said. 

You held his face for a couple, searching for something in his features, anything at all, that could indicate that the moment wasn’t for that. But all you saw in him was the same emotions you felt, the same need and desire. 

You pulled Seokmin to you again, this time hungrier, your chest pressed to his. Your mind was loud telling you all the reasons why you shouldn’t be doing that, why having him so close to you was truly the most dangerous situation you could possibly put yourself in. But all of those voices, all of those words and thoughts were silenced the moment he kissed you again. 

His lips were hungry, demanding all of you. And it was so easy to just give in to him, to his hands roaming on your body, down your back until he reached your ass. He gave it a light squeeze and ran his hand back up again, this time under your shirt. You moaned softly at the contact of his skin on yours, as he kissed your neck, bitting on the exact same spot he found years before. 

He smiled over your skin. 

“At least this hasn’t changed”

It was all too much but not nearly enough. Just having him that close to you was dizzying enough but him touching you and enjoying the fact that you were just as weak for him at twenty nine made you never want to let go of him again.

“Where’s your room?”

You took Seokmin by the hand, guiding him through the narrow corridor. 

Your room was barely a room to begin with. You had no furniture except for the mattress lying on the floor, your clothes were either on the suitcase or on the chair on the side. 

“This is unlike you” Seokmin said, his chest pressed to your back while he nibbled on the skin of your neck. 

“I… hm… I” you sturred a little when he bit into a particularly sensitive spot, making him chuckle “I’m waiting on delivery”

Seokmin turned you around in his arms while lightly pushing you down on the mattress. His eyes never left yours as he ran his hand under your shirt, moving the fabric up until your chest was exposed. 

It had been so long since you had been with anyone, it was almost like a reflex to want to pull your shirt back down. Since him, it had been hard to just let yourself be exposed to someone like that. You had become awfully aware of your body and things you never cared for or paid attention to before suddenly became worries. You didn't like that insecure version of yourself but when Seokmin cupped your breast in his hand his touch was almost solemn. 

It was probably the worst timing in the world when you felt tears burn on the back of your eyes. You pulled his face to yours again, trying to hide your tears from him once again. 

Suddenly, his touch was tender when he pushed a few strands of hair away from your face, his fingers careful. 

Seokmin moved down on your body. When you saw his fingers on the waistband of shorts you lifted your hips off of the mattress to help him move the fabric down quicker. 

He kissed your hips and inner thigh. You moaned in anticipation, your hand taking a fist full of his soft hair. When his lips finally found your clit it was like fireworks erupted behind your closed eyelids.

Seokmin was impossibly hard in his pants, embarrassingly so like he was a teenager having his first time. 

He never thought that he would have you in his arms again and yet there you were in front of him, no reservations. Just for him. And for a moment it was like his brain was in short circuit, the small electric waves running all over his body, down to his toes. 

He licked a path from your cunt to your clit. He went down on you almost in desperation, his nose brushing on your clit every now and then. 

"Seokmin..." his name was barely a whisper in your lips, but it was also a chant. 

Your orgasm hits you quickly, leaving you short of air and with shaky legs. You were spiraling in the most enticing way possible. It didn't stop Seokmin though as he kept sucking you frantically. 

You tugged on his hair, pulling him up and to you again. 

I love you,  the words almost fell out of your lips. It would have been so easy to just say them, to be open about your feelings just this once. 

Deep down you knew that that moment would be a one time kind of thing. It was just the kind of moment people sometimes needed to just completely let go of everything. Or in this case, nothing. It was to let go of seven years of complete nothingness and silence.

You opened the button of his jeans and pushed it down, his boxers following along. You wrapped your hand around his cock, pumping him a couple of times. Realization suddenly came over you. You never expected Seokmin to show up to your place, much less that it would lead to that moment, and there wasn't anyone else in your life, so you weren't ready for it. 

"I don't have a condom" you said breathlessly.

Seokmin looked lost for a second, his brain going to his wallet, questioning whether or not he had one in him. 

"I can pull out," he said "if that's okay"

All you did was nod and Seokmin aligned himself with your hole. He pushed in slowly, savoring each moment when your pussy pulled him in until there was no space between the two of you. 

Seokmin kissed you again to give himself time to adjust to you squeezing him. You held his face close to yours, in your eyes a mix of emotions he didn't want to understand. Not in that moment at least.

"I don't want anyone else," you said looking into his eyes, your thumb running over his bottom lip "No one else can make me feel the way you do"

To hell with care and self-preservation. You let go of those the moment you opened the door for him, the moment you let him into your home, the moment you didn't push him away when he kissed you. 

Seokmin fucks you slowly, his pace torturous as you beg and beg for more. He intertwined his fingers with yours and held one of your hands above your head while the other one held your hips in place. 

"Seokmin... harder"

And it's like a switch has gone off inside his brain. His once slow pace becomes shallow. The sound of your breaths and his skin slapping against yours were the only ones heard, echoing through the empty room. 

Your orgasm sneaks up on you, catching you so off guard you scream because it's too much. 

You pushed Seokmin away and watched in ecstasy as he wrapped his hand around his cock, his hand working fast as your name left his lips when his release fell on the sheet by your side. 

Seokmin dropped his body over yours again, his forehead on your shoulder. You closed your eyes and ran your hand over his hair. 

"I love you" you allowed yourself to say, even if it meant nothing to him. 

Letter #6

Seokmin,

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm coming home. Or the closest thing I still have to a home. Needless to say, my mother is happy with the news. She's been tormenting me for years, asking me to come back, but since I set foot here I decided I wasn't going back.

I wanted to, but I wouldn't go back.

Every time I thought about going back, the first thing that came into my head was the last image I had of you. Your teary eyes wishing me a safe flight, saying I love you and hope you accomplish everything you want. I regretted it the moment I gave my things away and handed my passport into the hand of the airline girl. I should have come back, I should have given up, but I couldn't. That old story of putting myself first and second, you know how it goes. In this case, my entire top 10 was just different versions of me.

I think I actually felt scared because as time went by, little by little without me realizing it right away, you became a very big part of my life. A part that could change everything. I felt like I depended on you too much. It wasn't fair to you or me.

We were only 22, Seokmin. When we were so young, we thought that life was conquered and today I know that is not the case. Far from it. At 22 I had a degree and worked part-time at a cafe to pay the bills, just like you.

You might think I'm selfish, I'm sure you do based on the things you say on your show. I was selfish and on some level, I don't regret it. I did what I always planned to do, what I always wanted to do. And now I'm coming home.

Part of me wants to run and find you, explain why I made the decisions I did, why I never told you. But I know you won't want to listen to me. I wouldn't want to listen to me either. Why would I listen to someone who left just like that? It really wouldn't make sense.

But another part, this one a little more rational, says that I shouldn't throw salt into the wound after so many years have gone by. I have the scar here, hidden enough for no one to see, but prominent enough for me to remember what I did every single day.

I think that's what I'm going to do. I think that's what I have to do. It wouldn't be fair to just show up in front of you and say “hi, I'm back” after seven years.

You have become a big “what if” for me. What if I had stayed? Would we have stayed together or would our relationship have ended years ago? What if I had told you what I was doing while I was doing it? Would you have asked me to stay? What if I had given the possibility of a long-distance relationship? Would we have worked out or would you start to resent me for leaving and end up hurting each other anyway?

The most absurd thing is that I still like you, I'm still in love with you. I've always heard that distance makes love end or something like that. I haven't seen you in seven years, I don't know what's going on in your life — you're really good at hiding everything being a celebrity now — so it doesn't make any sense that my feelings haven't changed even after all this time. This guy I see online might not be the Seokmin I fell in love with, just like I'm not the same person you remember.

Every time I hear your voice I still feel butterflies in my stomach. I sleep and dream about you. When I wake up I think about you and I wonder if you think about me too. It is not normal. It's not healthy. Life went on and I think it is our obligation to move forward together. We are not a museum to only feed on the past.

Let's continue as we are now, what do you think? We will once again be in the same country, in the same city, but I think it's best for both of us to pretend that nothing will change. It's a huge city, what are the chances of us meeting?

yn

Before you even opened your eyes, you already knew what you would find. Or who you wouldn't find. You knew the space next to you on the mattress would be empty. You had noticed the exact moment Seokmin had gotten up, but you forced yourself to believe that he had just gone to the bathroom. You had kept your eyes closed and had somehow gone back to sleep.

You had been naive to think that the night had changed something, that the way everything seemed like it would be fine was an indication that things had finally gotten back on track. If any, the train simply ended up derailing.

When Seokmin kissed you it was magical, no matter how cliché and teenage it may sound. It was as if the world had fallen into place again, as if you had finally returned home after being away for so long. You couldn't help but wonder if that was why you'd taken the job, in the foolish, unconscious hope that there might be a chance, however slight, of being with him again.

You forced yourself to sit up and pulled the sheet up to cover your naked body. The shirt and shorts you wore the night before were next to you on the floor, but you refused to wear those clothes, opting to rummage through the boxes in the corner of the room looking for clean ones.

You didn't want to go to the living room, didn't want to be mocked by the two boxes that Seokmin had left on the counter, but you couldn't help it. It was as if your feet had a life of their own. When you realized it, you were already sitting on the living room floor with the two boxes in front of you.

You momentarily decided to ignore the smaller black box and pulled the large one closer. The first thing you saw was the envelope Seokmin mentioned the night before. Money, especially the one in the envelope, wasn't something you were going to worry about. You didn't care about it, you didn't lie when you told him that he should have spent it. That money would remain untouched.

There were also a few books you read and made annotations on, two stuffed animals, and all the picture frames you had left behind.

One of the things you regretted the most was not taking with you when you left were photos of you and Seokmin. You had only taken one, which was folded inside your wallet. It was already so old and worn out that it had almost turned to dust, but you would never get it out. It was you and Seokmin at Niah's old restaurant, he was smiling at the camera while you looked at him. It was your favorite picture.

At the bottom of the box was the camera you had given Seokmin as a birthday present a few months before you left. You had saved whatever money you could for months to buy him the camera he wanted, one that he always talked about and whenever you passed by a store you stood outside looking at it, almost as if it would magically appear in his hands.

You understood his reasons for leaving the camera there — or, at least, the reasons you could imagine—but you wished he had kept using it. Not because it was a gift from you, but because it was something he wanted. His smile was so big when you gave it to him, the tip of his nose slightly pointed down because of it.

Carefully you put everything back inside and put it aside.

The smaller box, for some reason, was scary. It was light and black, and you could hear its contents moving as you held it in your hands. You took one last deep breath and removed the lid.

Inside were photos you had never seen before. Photos of you alone, Seokmin wasn't in any of them. In none of them were you posing or smiling directly at the camera.

Most of them had been taken from a distance, without you noticing. In some you were inside the cafe where you worked, smiling at customers and serving tables, in others you were simply walking down the street, looking through window shops and pointing at something. Seokmin had taken countless photos of you without you even realizing it.

It was strange to see yourself through his eyes, even if it was a version of you that no longer existed. A much younger and more optimistic version. Did I smile that much? you couldn't help but ask. You never saw yourself as particularly optimistic or constantly smiling. You were happy, that's undeniable, but you didn't know that's how people saw you.

There were so many photos, from completely different moments, both from the beginning of your relationship with Seokmin, and from all the phases you went through together.

Behind the pictures were the post-its that you left around the apartment, reminding Seokmin of somewhere you had together or simply saying that you loved him. So many had a simple “I love you” written on them, others said “have a good day today!”.

You had no idea he had kept them. You always thought that once read, they were discarded, but there they were, intact as if you had just written them.

The very first one you had ever written, when you had just started dating, was also there. At the time, unlike Seokmin who never had a hard time expressing how he felt, it was almost impossible for you to be openly honest. So you wrote it on a post-it and stuck it inside one of his notebooks. He had shown up at the dorm a few hours after you left the library.

“Say it again, but this time looking at me”

You frowned, pretending you didn't understand.

“Your nose is beautiful”

You laughed when Seokmin wrapped his arms around you, squeezing a little, trapping your arms close to your body. His face was very close to yours.

“What you wrote in the note” he said softly, his cheek pressed against yours “Say it again, please”

The truth was that you had loved Seokmin, in a way you didn't believe was possible and maybe that was why you spent the last seven years writing letters to him.

Seokmin never left your mind, not truly. There was always a desire, even if veiled, to return home, to find out how he was, to just say “I know I messed up, I’m sorry”.

It was that desire that made your entire body go cold as you took one last item out of the box. A smaller box that fit in the palm of your hand. You knew what it was before you even opened it and opening it was the worst choice at that moment. Your heart, which was already broken, somehow managed to break even more, into a billion, shiny, new pieces.

Seokmin would have proposed if you hadn't left.

When the first sob echoed through the living room, you didn't try to hold it back, you just accepted the feeling of being absolutely lost and heartbroken.

The weather outside the building seemed to mimic the way you had felt in the last few weeks, torrential rain that had no end in sight. You watched the news hoping for an improvement, hoping that the rain would stop for at least a few hours, but it seemed like a distant dream.

All your students were already gone and there was nothing left for you to do. The handed in assignments were graded and the tests were ready to be applied the following week. You had never hated yourself so much for simply doing your job. You wanted to be, at least for that day, like other teachers who left corrections until the last possible second and left students desperate for their grades.

The hallway was in complete silence, a clear sign that everyone had left already. And you had already waited hours for the rain to stop, until the sky was completely dark, and if anything the rain had only gotten worse.

You sighed and picked up your bag from the chair. You wouldn't risk taking any books, papers, or documents home, the possibility of everything getting ruined was too big. Besides, you needed a rest, at that point it was well deserved.

Ever since you had opened the boxes Seokmin left behind, you had immersed yourself in work in every way possible. You had accepted all of the dean's requests and even offered to teach extra classes whenever there was a missing professor.

And even so, even though you had more work than you wanted, you still found time to look at all of his social media. You still listened to all his programs, even listened to the old ones before going to sleep.

It was almost like a form of elaborate torture done solely and exclusively with you in mind. And worst of all, it was self-inflicted. It was as if your brain liked it, begged for it.

The box with the engagement ring was next to your pseudo bed. It was the last thing you saw before going to sleep and the first thing you saw when you woke up. Instead of spending hours on your phone, you sat there, staring at the small box.

You hadn't dared to open it again. You had never felt so lost as you did that day, looking at that ring.

You wouldn't be a hypocrite to say that you had never imagined your life if you had married Seokmin, but before it was nothing more than a daydream. The ring made that dream an attainable reality. It had been in your hands and you just walked away.

A curse left your lips when you noticed that the umbrella you had used that morning was missing from the umbrella holder next to the door.

“Great, that’s exactly what I needed” you muttered, slamming the door shut behind you.

You were tired, exhausted to tell the truth. All you wanted was to get home, take a shower, and watch some relationship reality show, to escape the tragedy that was your own love life.

You closed your eyes and sighed as you reached the entrance. The next bus stop or subway station was at least a 15 minute walk away. That was a problem that existed when you went to school there, everything was far away. One would think that they would do something to improve that, but one would be wrong.

You thought about taking shelter in the nearest coffee shop, but you knew it was almost closing time. You wouldn't be the person who forces employees to stay late, not when you had worked at that exact coffee shop years ago.

Even with your heavy coat covering most of your body, the rain was cold on your back and it was hard to see anything ahead, even if it was just a few steps away. Even the sound of cars was muffled by the rain.

“yn?” a car was on your left, and it was moving at the same speed as you. The face of whoever was behind the wheel was blurred by the rain, but you would have recognized that voice anywhere in the world.

“Let me give you a ride”

You shook your head. The last thing you should do was get in the car with him. It was too dangerous, you were sure that if you looked at him for more than a second you’d start crying. Just by hearing his voice your eyes were burning and a lump was forming in your throat.

“It’s fine, the bus stop is right there”

“There was an accident back there, the bus won’t be here anytime soon”

You grumbled. Of course, there was an accident, of course, there wouldn't be a bus and with your luck, the subway would probably be closed too.

"If your car went through the accident, a taxi will too”

You quickened your pace, not because of the rain, but because you wanted to get away from him. You needed to get away from him.

“Jesus, yn, just get in the car. You’re going to get sick”

You pretended you didn't hear what he said and kept walking, face down – trying to escape both the rain and him. The first tear fell from your eyes. For the first time in days, you were grateful for the rain, because you could pretend it was just water and not a visual representation of your broken heart on your cheeks.

Seokmin stopped the car right there, in the middle of the street. He didn't care if someone was standing behind him honking like crazy — something that was bound to happen.

When he left your apartment that day he felt like he was 22 again, but this time he was the one leaving.

Hearing that you loved him was everything he had wanted, but the timing was strangely right and wrong, both at the same time.

Both of you screamed, shouted, and said what you wanted to say — or at least part of what you wanted to say. A weight had been lifted from his shoulders, at the same time a new one was placed on it.

After you fell asleep in his arms, the only thing Seokmin could think about were the letters scattered across the living room floor. There were so many. He couldn't believe you had spent all those years writing letters to him.

He needed to read them all. He would have done it in the living room, but he didn't know what awaited him, so he collected them all from the floor and a few more that had been left in the box and left.

He read the first one in the car, he couldn't wait until he got home. 

Seokmin cried right there, the same way he cried when you left. Inconsolable. His heart broke and healed in equal measure with every word of yours he read.

Seokmin always believed that you left like that, without a single word, because you didn't like him that much, because you didn’t want to be with him anymore. Not that he thought the entire relationship had been a lie, but he thought that somehow the love had ended. It happened to everyone, the probability of it happening to him was also high.

The truth could not be different. There wasn't a letter in which you didn't say you loved him, not always in those words, but he knew you well enough to know that was what you said.

After reading all the letters, Seokmin called Joshua. He cried on the phone with his friend and then once again when he showed up at his place with bad beer and takeout food. “Since we’re going to talk about our college days, I think we should do the same thing we did back then” was all he said.

Seokmin was on his way to you when he saw you walking without an umbrella. He wanted to talk to you, to know if even after so long you still wanted to try with him one more time. It was better to try than to always wonder what could have been.

“I read your letters!” he shouted louder than the rain.

His words were enough to make you stop walking, but you still didn't turn to face him. It was too hard to breathe. Your chest rose and fell irregularly each time you tried to pull the air in.

You knew Seokmin had taken the letters. Part of you knew he would read them, but the last thing you expected was for him to want to talk about them.

“I know” you said when he approached “I saw they were gone, and you were the only person who came by”

“Do you know why I accepted to host a love advice show? Besides it being something I've always wanted, of course” he didn't give you time to answer “Because a part of me wanted you to listen, to know that I was okay, even if it was a lie. I thought that if I talked about it on a show that had used the nickname you gave me, you’d regret it. I thought that I should make you regret it because it was the only way I could still think about you without looking like a fool after so long. I thought you didn’t care, that you had left because you didn’t like me anymore, so making you regret your decision was the only option I had”

You shook your head. It wasn't true, not by a long shot.

“I'm sorry” you said softly “I should have told you what I was doing, that I had applied for the and got in. I thought it was my only option. It was so stupid. I was so stupid”

Seokmin laughed a little, fingers running under your eyes. A second later he pressed his lips over yours.

“I know, I read your letters”

Seokmin,

It's been a good few years since I wrote you a letter. After a while, I didn't think I needed it anymore because I started saying everything I wanted, everything I felt, looking at you. Of course, this new arrangement has its demerits, as the paper and pen don't look at me like a lost puppy. But paper and pen don't kiss me either, so it has its bonus.

I thought when I came home four years ago, I would never see you again. I thought you would just be the guy who has a radio show that I would listen to every now and then. I didn't expect to see you my first week back and again and, well,  again.

As you probably know, I've never been a big fan of rainy days. I always preferred sunny days because those were the days I woke up ready to face the world. I felt better overall. But also because they reminded me of you. You know, when the sun appears after gray days? For me, you were always like that. Grand and brilliant.

But after that day, I started to like rainy days too because they started to be full of the two of us. Rain was no longer synonymous of an unproductive day, but rather of the memory of our fresh start.

You know this, we've talked about it a few times, but I spent a few months waiting for it to sink in. Sort of expecting that one day I would wake up and it would all be a dream. It was hard for both of us, I know. It was seven years of hurt and resentment and we had to navigate this uncertain sea without a map. Nobody teaches you how to do this, believe me, I looked. I found countless books on how to start dating, how to save a relationship, and how to get over a relationship. The problem is that none of them teach you how to rekindle a relationship after seven years apart, but during those seven years one of the parties wrote letters and the other had a program just to mourn the sorrows of the relationship.

I've read several, so you can trust what I say on this.

It really wasn't easy, but I think we came out better, stronger, in some way.

I love you and I’ll tell you that every day for the rest of our lives. Our forever begins today, in a little while. So stop crying, put ice on your eyes to help the swelling go down, and go to the aisle because I miss you already.

I love you.

yn

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[queenariesofnarnia]

whiskey and jazz

gif not mine!

alastor x f!reader

warning: i wrote this at like 3am when i couldn't sleep and i feel like its ass

wc: 771

Your laughter fills the room as you sit at the bar telling stories from your days on earth. Even managing to make Husk chuckle at your antics. It was nice to have a peaceful night after you had to make Charlie take a break. Sending her and Vaggie on a nice date. Sir Pentious began to tell a story from his time on earth. You loved moments like this, Angel being able to not worry about working for his twat of a boss and even Niffty with everyone enjoying a little break. However, you worried Alastor could be lonely so you were going to take some fun to him. 

“Husk, give me a whiskey and two glasses” you say while hopping off your chair. 

“Where you going kid?” he asks handing you what you asked for. 

“To see if Alastor is up for some company. He deserves a break too.” you smile before wishing everyone to continue to have fun. 

“We’ll be here if he says no toots! Good luck” Angel’s comment reaches your ears before you head to Alastor’s tower. The “on-air” sign is off but there’s soft jazz playing indicating he’s inside. Knocking softly on the door you stand there silently hoping he opens it. When he does he looks down at you. His smile not leaving his face.  

“What can I do for you sweetheart?” he asked stepping aside directing you to enter. 

“I wanted to see if you’re up for company. I brought whiskey” you grin at him holding up the bottle. Making your way to the loveseat, sitting the bottle and glasses down on the table. 

“I will always accept your company sweetheart. Take a seat” closing the door. He makes his way to sit next to you on the loveseat. He pours you both a glass. Enjoying each other’s company as you nursed your drink. 

“Could you tell me a little something about when you were alive?” your question catching Alastor off guard. You cared about knowing what he did when he was alive?

“Why of course my dear. I enjoyed cooking with my mother, especially jambalaya.” he told you as he remembers those times. There’s a softness in your eyes as you look at him while he talks. 

“That’s lovely Alastor. Truly” your smile was what he needed. He was frustrated while planning his broadcast and your company came at the perfect time. He told you more about his life until a tune by Louis Armstrong and his Hot Five played through the radio filling the room. He finished his glass before standing up holding his hand out toward you. 

“Care for a dance sweetheart?” you threw your drink back before taking his hand. He pulled you up towards him directing you on how to dance. One song turned into two, and two eventually turned into five. The smile on your face as he twirled you around the room made him not want to stop dancing with you. When the two of you finally sat back down another glass was poured and handed your way. 

“I talked about myself sweetheart. It is only fair you tell me about yourself” He says leaning back, spreading his legs slightly. You begin thinking of something good to tell him. 

“I’m sure you’ve noticed but I cook or bake whenever I feel overwhelmed. I’ve been doing it since I was old enough to be in the kitchen by myself.” he nods, wanting you to continue. 

You told him some of your fond memories. Neither of you noticing how late it has gotten. Just sharing stories with one another, to his surprise you asked him about his serial killer days. There was a sparkle in your eyes when you listened to every word he said. He noticed it whenever the two of you spoke. He could also see how tired you were. 

“It looks like sleep is calling your name cher” his tone soft, well soft for him. 

“I’ll be fine. I want to hear more of your stories Al” you tell him covering your mouth to yawn. 

“Find me when you wake up and join me for coffee.” He said standing up bringing you up with him. He brought you close before dissolving into his shadow and ending up in your room. 

“Good night my dear” he placed a kiss on top of your head before guiding you to your bed. As you lay down you reach for his hand giving it a light squeeze. 

“Goodnight Al” you let go of his hand snuggling into your blankets. He left your room with a genuine smile on his face. 

[blythsholland]

No More Secrets! - Part 5

Pairing: Tom Blyth x Actress!Fem!reader

Warnings: None.

Summary: You join the cast of TBOSAS, sparks fly between you and Tom, and fans are quick to notice some things.

AN: And here is the final part of No More Secrets! Thank you immensely for the support in this. I truly appreciate it and it means a lot to me 🤍 To read the previous parts and my other works, you can check my masterlist here! Happy Valentines Day 💗

(For the sake of this last chapter, let’s pretend Tom is promoting the full second season of Billy The Kid. )

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

blythupdates & youruserupdates posted a photo

liked by blythloverrrr, youruser, tomblyth, user and others.

tagged tomblyth, youruser

blythupdates This account and @ youruserupdates account wanted to say that in result of the current events, we won’t post those pics of them to respect their privacy. Remember to leave them alone and to give them time. They’ll confirm their relationship when they feel comfortable to do so. We are their fans and we should all respect them.

Comments on this post are limited.

tomblyth Thank you. It really means a lot to us.

comment liked by author.

youruser Thank you. 🤍

comment liked by author.

user They replied, I hope they’re both okay.🥺

*Few weeks later*

tomblyth added to their story.

*Press Tour*

e!news

liked by deuxmoi, blythfanz, blythupdates, youruser and others.

e!news Tom gushes about his relationship with actress @ youruser during press for his new show. More of the story in the link in our bio! (📸 Getty).

View all 500 comments.

user What’s the name of the show he’s promoting?

↪️ user73 Billy the Kid! Season 2 is releasing next week!

blythfanz This is such a clickbait post. If you really saw that interview you know what he exactly said.

↪️ userfan what did he say?

user1 Can someone briefly say what he said. I can’t see the interview right now.

blythfanz For everyone asking. The interviewer asked what’s something that you like to keep to yourself as much as possible and he responded by saying privacy. I’ll add the quote.

↪️ blythfanz “Privacy for sure. We are in an industry where your personal life can be invaded by so little. One glimpse and privacy is out of the question and everyone wants to know your business. ‘What does your family do?’, ‘Where do you live?’, ‘Are you seeing anyone?’ And that’s why I like to keep my personal life as private as possible.” +

↪️ blythfanz “There’s always going to be that factor where paparazzi take pics whenever you are, invading your personal space, and then we have the tabloids making headlines just to get more people invested and it’s all a mess.” +

↪️ blythfanz “When it comes to dating, the only thing you will know from me is that yes, I am in a relationship and that’s it… I’m in a beautiful relationship with the most amazing and wonderful person I know but you won’t see me or us give details about it because to us that’s our most sacred thing and we want to keep it private and to ourselves. Maybe you would see a pic here and there shared by us because we want to, but other than that, what goes in our relationship is our business only, no one else’s.”

user1 @ blythfanz Thank you so much! The way he said everything so perfectly. Respect their privacy people!!

youruserlovers @ youruser liked this 🥺 Tom Blyth, the man that you are!!

user My respect for Tom went higher. That’s a man!

tomblyth posted a photo.

liked by youruser, rachelzegler, hunterschafer, blythupdates and others.

tomblyth Incredibly proud of this season. Make sure you watch Billy The Kid season 2, now streaming on MGM+. 🤠🐎

View all 2,346K comments.

youruser So so proud of you, my love! 🤍 Gonna definitely binge watch.

comment liked by tomblyth.

↪️ tomblyth ❤️ I’ll go get the snacks!

↪️ blythloverrrr awwww 🥺

rachelzegler YESSSS LET’S GO!

lionsgate If Coriolanus Snow was in an alternate universe!

↪️ user95 bestieee what are you doing here???

blythupdates Finally! 🤩

blythfanz Save a horse, ride a what???

↪️ youruser a cowboy 🤠

↪️ rachelzegler @ youruser NOW GIRL.

↪️ blythyouruserlovers SO REAL!

joshandresrivera That cowboy got me feeling some type of way 😍

↪️ youruser @ rachelzegler come get your man!

youruser added to their story.

*Few Weeks Later*

youruser posted a photo.

liked by tomblyth, rachelzegler, zendaya, hunterschafer and others.

tagged: tomblyth

youruser Happy Anniversary to the one that makes me the happiest. Life is better with you in it. I love you more than words can describe 🤍🤍🤍 @ tomblyth

View al 4,765K comments.

tomblyth I'm so deeply in love with you. I love you. ❤️

↪️ youruser 🥹❤️

↪️ blythyouruserlovers I’m not crying my eyes are just sweaty.

userfan IM GOING INSANE

↪️ user83 OKAY BUT THE 6th PIC?? HELLO?? THEY ARE INSANE.!!!

user THE PICTURES 🥺

rachelzegler MY LOVES 🥺

rachelzegler the way I witness you both fall in love in-front of my eyes. I’m emotional 😭💗

youruserlovers our girl is in love you guys 🥹🥹🥹

blythupdates Happy Anniversary! 💗💗💗

blythloverrrr TAKE IT DELUSIONAL PEOPLE! I know the antis are screaming and crying somewhere.

tomblyth posted a photo.

liked by youruser, hunterschafer, rachelzegler, joshandresrivera and others.

tagged: youruser

tomblyth One year with you and to many more. Happy Anniversary, my love. I’m deeply in love with you and I won’t stop saying it. I love you. ❤️ @ youruser

View all 3,458K comments.

youruser How many times you’re going to make me cry today?? 😭 i LOVE you so so so much 🥹🩷🩷

comment liked by tomblyth

↪️ tomblyth i LOVE you.❤️

↪️ joshandresrivera Damn you are both cheesy.

↪️ tomblyth @ joshandresrivera you’re one to talk!

↪️ youruser @ rachelzegler come get your man… again.

↪️ rachelzegler @ joshandresrivera but babe YOU ARE cheesy, so idk what you’re talking about.

blythfanz The pictures, the third and the fourth one 😭😭😭

user can I join the relationship?

userfan con😭gra😭tu😭la😭tions😭

blythloverrrr the pic with the cowboy hats 🥺

hunterschafer CUTIES. I love you guys 🩷🩷🩷

rachelzegler I’m not crying, my eyes are just sweating I swear!!!

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

The End!

Again, thank you so much for all the support on this! I really really appreciate it 🤍

tags: @coconut-dreamz @bobgirllll @that-one-little-soybean @duckyyyx @spencerstits @kuromismom7

[thewriterthatghostedyou]

The Butterfly Effect

Chapter 2

Hey everyone! I’m glad that you liked that first chapter! I’ve tried to add everyone who asked on my last post to my taglist, if you are interested in being added comment below, and let me know if it works or not. The updates will be pretty random depending on my work schedule but I’ll try to get them out once they’re written as I’m having fun writing again!

I hope you guys enjoy!

Trigger warnings: power imbalance, manipulation, Mean Aemond (like mean mean), and blackmailing (he threatens her job)

Dividers are from @firefly-graphics (all of their work is amazingggggg)

You spent the rest of that night tossing and turning in your small bed remembering what had happened. Gods you were so stupid. You never did know when to stop talking when your anger got the better of you.

At least the family was more preoccupied with Aemond’s outburst which caused a scene so soon after the death of Vaemond Velaryon.

As the sunrise peeked through the curtains you dreaded leaving your bed, but followed the lead of your roommates and started to prepare for the day. You found yourself falling into the easy routine that you had established since starting at the Red Keep.

After a long stretch you hastily made your bed, tightly tucking the sheets into the frame before tending to your hair. It had been awhile since you had worn your hair down as it was considered improper for a servant so you had found multiple braided updos that fit your hair. With each twist of your hair you mentally took stock of what the day would bring as if it were a checklist. Hair and cap done? Check. Uniform on? Check. Apron pressed and clean? Check.

When you were satisfied with your appearance, you and your roommates: Daelia and Wendelyn made the short walk to the Red Keep together. Although you enjoyed their presence you wouldn’t exactly call the two girls your friends. Daelia was prone to petty gossip and would alway have a rumor to spread whenever you talked to her. Wendelyn; however, was the opposite. She detested idle chatter and kept mostly to herself when at home. You supposed you were somewhere in between the two.

“I heard that Princess Rhaenyra only wedded Daemon because he impregnated her before their wedding.” Daelia whispered into your ear as the three of you entered the Keep and headed towards the kitchens.

“Did you hear it from Mushroom?” You asked dryly, referring to the fool that ran around court with wildly fabricated stories.

“Well-“ Daelia stuttered. “He is close to the Princess-“

You groaned heavily as she spoke. “Daelia what you speak of could get you killed. And besides Mushroom isn’t exactly a trustworthy source. We’ve talked about this.”

Wendelyn nodded sagely as you spoke but added nothing to the conversation.

“You stupid girl.” You heard some hiss in front of you as you crossed the doorway into the kitchen.

“I’m sorry what?” You asked in disbelief as Naerys stormed over to you.

“She does not look happy.” Wendelyn said softly before patting you back supportively and walking away.

Daelia said nothing before finding the cracked stones very interesting and walking over to check them out.

“You had one job. One duty. To pour the royal family’s wine and not bring attention to yourself.” Naerys grabbed you tightly by your arm and dragged you out of the kitchen.

“But I did!” You said defensively.

“Not well enough apparently.” Naerys shook her head, obviously irritated with you. “Prince Aemond requested you by name to attend to him.”

You froze at her words and felt your face pale.

“Whatever insult you did or offense you committed, apologize. Profusely.” She gripped you tight enough that you felt her fingers through your long sleeves.

“I- I didn’t mean to say… it just came out…” You felt your hands grow clammy as Naerys looked at you deeply.

“Well ensure that no other insults come out.” She slowly released you. “Prince Aemond is currently training with Ser Cole but requested that a bath be ready upon his return. Now go. Perhaps he will tire of you soon enough.”

You nodded quickly, trying not to show your nerves. Out of all of the Targaryens to upset Aemond was not the best choice and you should have known better than to provoke him. You remembered reading about the atrocities he would commit against House Strong all because they shared the same blood as Rhaenyra’s children. Perhaps you could put aside your pride for once and grovel if need be. You bit your lip as you found yourself walking to the laundry rooms to fetch fresh linens and towels.

The smell of soap invaded your senses while you grabbed what was needed. It was impossible to guess his motivations for seeking you out, but you tried to anyway. Maybe he just wanted to humiliate you more for daring to smile at his sister and nephew dancing. But how did he learn your name? Naerys said he knew your name.

The way to his chambers was similar to the one to the dining room as they were in the same wing of the Keep. You struggled to hold the smooth sheets and blankets as you attempted to open the door. The handle clicked slightly as the door swung open revealing an empty room. He must still be training with Cole.

Prince Aemond’s chambers were about what you would expect for a prince. The furniture was opulent with a large four posted bed in the middle of the spacious room. You had never been in a room that belonged to the royal family before so you found yourself gawking at the private balcony and golden detailing that decorated the walls.

Looking around the room you noticed another entrance to what must be the bathroom that you slowly walked towards. Better to get this over with quickly. Perhaps you might not even run into Aemond at all.

His washroom was much smaller than the rest of the rooms, only containing a large brass tub in the middle of the room and some cabinets near the doors that had a woodsy smell.

You were fortunate that others had brought in large buckets of water that already filled the tub. All you needed to do to prepare was light the fire underneath to warm the cold water.

Humming slightly, you opened the nearby cabinet and rummaged around looking for the flint and steel. You missed music. Real music that you knew and grew up with.

“I’ve never heard that song.” A deep voice spoke behind you, causing you to jump and slam your hand into the drawer.

“Fuck!” You grabbed your throbbing hand and shook it slightly as you turned to see Aemond in the doorway. His long hair was slightly tussled, probably from sparring with Criston Cole.

“You really are an impudent little thing aren’t you?” He quirked his good eye’s brow as he sauntered over. “You are supposed to acknowledge me with a nod of your head when I enter.”

He was standing too close to you as he spoke with a smug smile as you hurriedly did as he said. “My apologies, my prince.” You whispered softly. Remember what Naerys said. Put aside your pride and get him to forget you.

He hummed slightly, deep in thought before stepping back slightly. “Well? Get on with it.” He waved his hand over the tub impatiently.

“Of course, my prince.” You mumbled out kneeling next to the tub and striking the two metals together. You were surprised as you got it on your first try with your shaking hands. If they were from anger or fear you couldn’t tell.

The man said nothing as you stood up and gathered the needed linens to remake his bed, only watching you with that smug smirk as you focused on your task. You roughly grabbed the sheets from his bed and practically ripped them off of the bed before remaking it harshly and trying not to pay attention to his sharp gaze.

“You are not from Westeros.” He said simply from behind you.

You felt sweat drip from your temples from his statement. “I am not, your grace.” You agreed as you finished smoothing out the top blanket. One more task done and the faster you worked the faster you could leave.

“You’re not from Essos or Dorne either.” His voice sounded closer than before and you heard his shoes thump across the floor as he walked. “Your accent is from somewhere I have never heard of before. I could not place it last night and cannot even now.”

Your mouth was dry as you scrambled to think of a response. “I am from somewhere very small, my prince. It’s no wonder you haven’t heard of our accent before.” Just be agreeable and perhaps he’ll forget last night.

He hummed again thoughtfully as you checked on the water before adding the oils that looked like they were used the most. “Everything you need for your bath should be prepared, your grace.” You nodded your head to him as he passed you back into the small washroom and peered at your work with a discerning eye. “Will that be all for now?” You added at the last second remembering the protocol that you were taught before being assigned to the kitchens.

Aemond reached behind his head and quickly pulled off a small tie that kept his hair in his signature style, letting it fall freely. “Hmmm. Nothing else to add? No more clever quips?”

You blushed at his words. “What happened last night was a mistake, your grace. I’m truly sorry that-“

“I will require your help in undressing and bathing.” He said as he threw the hair tie to the floor without a care in the world.

“I- that’s not… I really shouldn’t…” You stammered out feeling your face turn from a light pink to fire truck red.

“What you should do is obey your prince.” Aemond cocked his head at you and held his hands out expectantly. “Although I suppose you could always find some other way to make some coin, perhaps on the Street of Silk.”

You felt your lungs start to expand rapidly as he brushed the side of your arm softly. “My brother tends to frequent those streets but perhaps with you there I might have to make a habit of it as well. ” You couldn’t move as his hand started trailing under your apron. “I do think my mother would be very interested to hear what you said about her favorite son.”

“Please…” You begged weakly, fighting the urge to slap him across the face. “I can’t afford to lose this job.” Your voice creaked as his caress turned into a sharp grope on your ass.

“Then we’re in agreement. You’re here to serve, so serve.”

Tag list

@dixie-elocin

@shari-berri

@ka1afbr

@sepherinaspoppies

[foryiujeans]

i wish you roses.

synopsis. a certain secret admirer alwavs leaves roses on your desk and at valentines, you had finally caught the person.

pairings. admirer!kim jiwoong x fem!reader.

warnings. swearing.

word count. 2k

general taglist. @forsobeans

“jiwoong, they gave me another!”

it was in first grade when you became friends with jiwoong. your teacher had given your class a seating plan and you'd been put next to him. you hadn't really spoken with jiwoong before that day, but you were generally a shy kid, usually opting to quietly colour during recess instead of going out into the playground.

he was one of the more boisterous kids in your grade, known for his visuals that swooned every female in the campus.

you remember the very first words jiwoong ever said to you, "that's a pretty drawing." he complimented, watching intently as you messily continued to scribble the green chalk as you coloured in the grass. you’d drawn an artificial yellow sun in the top corner of your page and a little red house on a hill in the middle with roses around it. a simple drawing, but one that you proudly gave effort to.

“another bouquet of roses?,” his voice beams from behind, gazing at the flowers in your hand, “i guess they really like you.”

“they’re so sweet.” you comment and hugged the bouquet to your chest.

jiwoong felt giddy inside seeing you so happy these fast few weeks. he couldn’t lie when he said he doesn’t have a crush on his best friend though that story is a bit cliché. him telling matthew he had no guts to confess, his friend suggested to just hinting and be secretive.

the flashbacks of him seeing you drawing roses for the first time came back and he had an idea of giving you flowers twice a week.

“i wish i could tell that how much i appreciate them.” placing them back in your locker and locking it.

the tall male beside you only hummed in response but was panicking inside. it has been exactly 24 weeks of him giving and wishing you roses, he wasn’t ready to be revealed.

he felt insecure to confess to you. you were absolutely an angel — perfect, friendly, popular, smart and active though he was the same, he felt that the love was all you. lecturers respected you and juniors, they look up to your kind actions.

while jiwoong was just an ordinary handsome man that plays that typical male character in the story. he plays basketball and is on the way on becoming a model for his good looks.

“hey y/n,” seeing a male from afar, he was waving at you with a small smile, “saw you holding roses, secret admirer huh?”

a scoff leaves your lips, “hey seunghwan, yes and i really really wanna find out who this is.”

“okay then i’ll help keep guard for your locker.”

that made jiwoong’s heart drop to the stomach in panic. he eyes seunghwan and you who were talking amongst each other and joking around. he swore he was going to pass out any moment but still kept his blank stoic-like face.

“i have to get to cinema club, see ya jiwoong, hwan!” you walked away, holding onto the books pressed to your chest.

jiwoong’s orbs followed your figure that was walking giddily to your specific location. he adored you. the way you spoke to him, the way you look at him, the way you always act kind and friendly towards others, the way your leadership brings everyone together and the way whenever he sees you, his smile just widens even more.

a hit on the chest made him caught off guard — seunghwan looking at the male suspiciously and eyeing him up and down with his hands in his pockets.

“you’re the admirer right?” the sudden question made jiwoong’s eyes widened in surprise.

then, the black haired male gripped the back of seunghwan’s collar, dragging his friend at an empty hallway that was gloomy and dark.

jiwoong pinched the bridge of his nose, “how’d you know?”

“i come early and see you slipping in a note and roses in y/n’s locker, matthew was with me but he didn’t say anything about it.”

the male was glad that his best friend didn’t spill anything about his plan or anything else about his crush on you. seunghwan knew about it since it was too damn obvious.

“listen,” seunghwan starts, “i wish you the best of luck but y/n’s a great detective so, be careful. wish you all the best man.”

and with that seunghwan walked away from him, him feeling his heartbeat had raised.

“281312”

it was another morning where kim jiwoong was placing another bouquet of roses in your locker. he was putting in the code of your birthday that was placed on the red locker, unlocking it smoothly.

he puts the bouquet in beautifully, searching into his pocket to get a note that he would wrote to you every week. but then, he hadn’t felt any type of paper in it. he was frantically searching for it and there wasn’t anything. then searching in his bag, he had gotten a pen and a small heart shaped sticky note.

“this would do.” he mumbled and opened the black inked pen to write.

“i feel really tired today.”

the moans of the cold wind were whooshing through the trees that were rustling. your hand holding onto your jacket and yawned, a hand placed over your mouth.

a deadpanned look from matthew made you stop yawning, “who asked you to go early today?”

“just because.” you easily answered.

“why me? not seunghwan, woongki or even jiwoong?” the last name he had said made you felt unsure.

asking jiwoong to accompany him to see your secret admirer would be tiring to him. jiwoong being the sleepyhead he is, you knew he would never get out of that deep slumber of his to go to college early. he sure was a heavy sleeper.

“jiwoong will never get out of his bed.” a logical answer made matthew nod, agreeing.

arriving in front of the college grounds, seeing it so empty without that many people around made you feel at ease. usually, it was crowded and loud for you to take in. the beep of matthew’s card to enter was heard, automatically opening to see a familiar figure in front of your locker.

he was opening your red locker, slipping in a note in his hand. that hand.

matthew froze beside you, glancing at you if you were witnessing the scene in front of you. the person had closed the locker shut, dusting off his jeans and stood up properly. the slicked back hair had totally knocked you over.

“jiwoong?”

the familiar voice of yours rang in his ears, shooting you a surprised look. jiwoong was panicking, he didn’t know what to do. his eyes staring into yours that were confused and questionable. and with that, matthew ran away.

you walked up towards him, seeing him in his round glasses, white t-shirt and jeans, topped off with a varsity jacket you had gifted him for his birthday. of course it would be given away just by his clothing. his orbs staring somewhere else that wasn’t you.

that feeling when your hand grabbed his, he finally looked at you, utterly shocked.

“if you wanna explain, you can.” you say, him inhaling sharply after.

“you see, umm, i honestly don’t care if you don’t answer me oppositely but i liked you for a really long time. i asked matthew for advice but i was the one stubborn and didn’t want to do it face to face. so he suggested to be secretive and i guessed you know what i mean.” he starts, staring into your eyes.

“what-”

“i gave you roses since it reminded me how i first met you — you drawing a scenery of a house and roses scattered.”

the cute memory made you grin lightly while jiwoong was fiddling the end of his shirt with his other free hand. it was not that he was scared to get rejected. he was scared and worried that you might be uncomfortable or him being over the boundaries line as friends.

jiwoong gazed at you just when you wrapped his arms around his waist. gosh, that smile of yours brightens the whole universe, that cheeks of yours with cute dimples, those delicate hands of yours so soft and gentle. he surely was going to melt into your touch.

a chuckle escapes your lips, “you can wish me roses any day.”

that easy sentence of yours made him smile and hugged you to his warm embrace closely. the butterflies in his stomach when he held you was fluttering lots.

“i might as well still wish you roses even if we’re together.”

oh, i wish you roses.

a/n ! thank you so much for reading and giving me requests. i’m thankful that you guys enjoyed reading it and giving all the notes and support. i do not own any characters, music or pics given, will definitely work harder for the next ones !

signing out, miaaa hihi !

[legolasbadass]

Office Hours, Part 34

Summary: Lorelei Browning has just secured a job as an assistant professor at Exeter College in Oxford. Naturally, she is eager to prove herself and meet every challenge sent her way, but what she does not expect is the tall, handsome stranger who will quickly become much more than a colleague.

Relationship: Richard Armitage x OC (Professor AU)

Word Count: 1.9k

Rating: T

A/N: Well, here we are, this is the end of this story! I want to thank each and every one of you who has read this fic, and especially those who left kind comments. There were moments when I thought I might never finish this story, but your support kept me motivated to work on this story. I want to give an especially huge thank you to @lathalea for her endless support, for beta reading many of the chapters, and for sending me lovely photos and gifs of our handsome RA whenever I needed inspiration. I probably would have abandoned the story if it hadn't been for you ❤️

I hope you all enjoy this chapter, and as always, please leave comments! 💙

Read the whole fic on AO3

Two months later

Travellers race by wheeling suitcases and pushing carts through the bustling airport as Richard checks in his luggage. He asks me to hold onto his boarding pass as he rummages through his bag for his passport, and a lump forms in my throat as I read over the proof of our imminent separation.

LHR to BOS. One way.

There are no more lazy mornings in bed or afternoons spent strolling through the city separating us from his departure. No more late evenings of wine and greasy takeaway and cuddles on the couch. No more soft kisses until I fall asleep in his arms. 

His fingers linger against mine a while longer than necessary as he takes back his boarding pass, then offers me a soft smile. It does not quite reach his eyes, but I force myself to return it as I fight back tears, not wanting to make this even harder for him. 

“So…” I say hesitantly, knowing prolonging our goodbye will only make it more difficult and yet wanting—needing—to keep him to myself for as long as I can. 

“So…” The same longing hangs in his voice, and he swallows heavily.

“I guess I’ll walk you to security.”

He nods, then takes my hand in his, squeezing it tight as if that will make up for having to let go before either of us are ready. With each step we take, my heart tightens in my chest, and when we reach the slowly advancing line leading to security, I look down at my feet. I want to look at him, to gaze into his eyes and soak in that handsome face of his one last time before he leaves, but I cannot. I cannot because I can no longer hold back my tears. 

“Sweetheart, look at me.” 

I ignore his plea for a moment and angrily wipe the tears that have escaped before meeting his gaze. His own eyes shine with unshed tears, and he frowns as he reaches out to cradle my face with his large hands. 

“Have a safe flight,” I say quietly, knowing my voice will break if I speak any louder. “Try to get some sleep on the plane. And remember—Americans drive on the wrong side of the road. So when you get to Boston, make sure you look the right way when crossing the street.” 

Richard chuckles. “Thanks for looking out for me.”

“Always,” I say, swallowing heavily. 

He leans in to press a tender kiss on my forehead, and I wrap my arms around his waist, clinging to his cream-coloured jumper. 

“I miss you already,” he whispers into my hair, and the soft cracking of his voice tears my heart in two. 

“I miss you, too.” 

We remain in this embrace for a long time, exchanging tender, languid kisses, lingering in the moment even though my heart's beating echoes through me like clockwork, reminding me that my attempts to cling to this moment are futile. We are eventually brought back to reality by a family rushing past us, mother and father running toward security, a baby crying in his arms. 

“I have to go now,” Richard says reluctantly, slowly disentangling himself from me, though he squeezes my hand so hard I wonder if his fingers will remain imprinted on my palm. “I’ll call you as soon as I land in Boston.” 

Biting the inside of my cheek, I nod, but I manage to choke out, “I love you, Richard.” 

A single tear rolls down his cheek as he smiles at me. “I love you, too, sweetheart.” Another kiss, my lips quivering slightly. “Alright… I’ll see you in three months.” 

I smile at him, focusing on his lips, his beard, and the irresistible azure depths of his eyes. I think of all the times I have gazed into his eyes, all the times I thought I would melt into a puddle from the intensity of the love shining in them. But when he turns away, those memories clog my throat. 

Three months. 

“Richard, wait—” 

He turns around, frowning, and before either of us can say anything—before I can think better—I throw myself into his arms. He effortlessly lifts me off the ground, wrapping his arms around me and holding me tight.

“Don’t cry, sweetheart,” he whispers pleadingly, pressing a tender kiss into my hair. 

I had not realized until now I was crying, and I curse my weakness and selfishness. “I’m sorry—I promised myself I wouldn’t do this—” 

“It’s alright. I know,” he says, his voice gentle and reassuring. “Three months will go by so much faster than you think.” 

I nod, my face still buried in his neck. “You promise you’ll call me every day?” I ask, my voice muffled by his jumper. 

I can almost hear his smile when he responds. “I promise. I’ll even call you twice a day.” 

“Well, only if you want to…” 

“Lorelei,” he begins in a familiar tone, the one that tells me he thinks I have said something utterly ridiculous and he finds me utterly adorable for it. “If it was only about what I want, I wouldn’t be leaving you for even a day.” 

Smiling, I press a kiss into the crook of his neck, inhaling his comforting scent one more time, before meeting his tender gaze. “Then I’ll call you three times a day,” I reply teasingly, and his laughter reverberates through me, soothing away some of the ache in my heart.

“I look forward to it,” he says with the most irresistible smile, and I smile back when I notice the calm trust in his eyes. 

From the beginning, Richard has never given me a reason to doubt him, to think that he is not one hundred percent committed to our relationship. But I am relieved that now he, too, has no reason to doubt me. He knows now that I will always be there on the other end of the line whenever he needs. I will miss him terribly, but I will wait for him.

Tag list: @lathalea @linasofia @fizzyxcustard @bitter-sweet-farmgirl @i-did-not-mean-to @xxbyimm @middleearthpixie @enchantzz @myselfandfantasy @notlostgnome @laurfilijames @swoopswishsward @quiall321 @dianakc @sazzlep @albionscastle @evenstaredits

Let me know if you'd like to be added to or removed from my tag list! 💙

[birinboom]

you already know how much I adore your work on Jing Yuan

but what was your favorite piece to write? why? was there a specific string of words or description you particularly enjoyed or are proud of? is there any specific part of your writing you really hoped would pop out to people? was there some dialogue you particularly enjoyed writing?

is there any part of your process you enjoy and would love to talk about? like just, I want you to talk about the love you poured into your work with pride! 💚

The way I’m still crying about the comments you left on AO3, they’re such a treasure to me 😭

I’m sorry I took so long to answer this. Whenever I get an ask that requires me to think I always feel like my brain exits my skull and slinks down my spine to hide somewhere behind my spleen. I can’t think. Did I write something? I suppose so. How did I feel beyond frustration? No clue ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ What were we talking about?

It took me a while to encourage my brain to come back so I could answer this a bit more seriously. I even put everything in a google document so I could work on answering without losing my progress to tumblr being a buggy bastard

What was your favorite piece to write? Why? There are a few that come to mind. I wrote a sci-fi/post-apocalypse drabble for BnHA’s Bakugou, which is one of the quickest pieces I’ve ever written. 1.2K in about 2 hours after lying awake all night thinking about the story, then insta-post. No time to fret, just shove it out the door. Good luck out there! 👋 Despite how short it is I felt like I got a lot of lore into it

Another one is ‘Heat Haze’ (KNY, Rengoku Kyoujurou x f!reader). It’s the longest fic I’ve written to date (16K) and a lot of it just flowed. The most trouble I had was tying a few scenes together, which is always one of the last things I work on. I remember frequently writing 2-2.5K in a day, which is a lot for me

And then there’s ‘The Luck-Bringing Cat.’ Simultaneously one of the best and worst experiences. Best because I was so caught up in the Apothecary Diaries AU I wanted to write, I kept thinking about it, new scenes, exact expressions of the characters. But the dialogue nearly killed the whole fic. I’ve come to realize that I am not good at writing dialogue for Jing Yuan. He’s too eloquent, I’m so much more comfortable with low-brow dialogue. I listened to Jing Yuan’s voice lines over and over. I re-read the Apothecary Diaries light novels so many times in an attempt to mimic some of Jinshi’s dialogue, since he has that same eloquence. I was so close to crying and bashing my head into my desk several times when all I had left to write was the dialogue. And yet I want to write more for this AU. ‘Cause I still love it so much. Thanks again to @a11eya for beta-reading it for me. Without you I might actually have given up

Was there a specific string of words or description you particularly enjoyed or are proud of? I wrote a fic for BnHA’s Yagi Toshinori x f!reader a few years back, and the description of Reader’s Quirk is what comes to mind

(Brief explanation to people who aren’t familiar with the BnHA universe: a Quirk is basically a superpower which most people of this universe are born with. It can be as powerful or as mundane and effectively useless as you can imagine)

The train exited the tunnel and Toshinori’s eyes flicked back to the view he had been staring at; a soft, golden glow on the horizon, a glow that only he could see. He had always been drawn to it, like a moth to a flame. It was comforting, it was home. It was you. Your Quirk, Burning Heart, made you emit a golden light only visible to the people who you loved. Toshinori had used it as a beacon leading him home ever since the first time he saw it. He didn’t know what he would do if that light ever went out - if he wasn’t worthy of your love anymore.

Fun fact, Burning Heart is based around a Danish song I love a lot, called ‘I’ll Leave the Lights On’ (Jeg Vil La’ Lyset Brænde)

I’ll leave the lights onAnd leave my door ajarLook, my heart glows in the nightSo you can find your way home

Is there any specific part of your writing you really hoped would pop out to people? I think it’s always the unspoken words, the ones characters convey through actions because they’re too scared or worried or too drunk on love to say them out loud in the moment. The ones that leave the reader-insert wondering ‘am I reading too much into this?’ The ones that make you want to shake them and shout ‘NO YOU’RE NOT, YOU IDIOT! HE LIKES YOU!! 😫’

Was there some dialogue you particularly enjoyed writing? I’m not entirely sure it counts as dialogue since it’s from a letter. It’s also from a KNY fic I’m still working on, so don’t go looking for it!

Make sure to keep warm; though the birds sing of springtime, the wind still bears the breath of winter.

I always love when I can get just a lil’ bit poetic. I know it’s a contrast to what I said about writing dialogue for Jing Yuan, but I can handle a sentence here and there no prob! Much beyond that, though, and my brain fries 🤯

Is there any part of your process you enjoy and would love to talk about? It’s probably the initial planning stage. It can be like solving a puzzle for me, to fit scenes together, spending hours mulling everything over, and then thinking of a new scene that would fit perfectly! Or maybe the new scene doesn’t fit at all and I have to figure out how to make it fit. Throw thought-spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks

It’s even better if I can share the process with friends so we can scream about it together. Sometimes I feel like I ought to share it more than I do, allow people to enjoy it with me. I’m too shy though 😬

Thanks again for sending me such a wonderful and thoughtful ask!! It gave me an opportunity to really reflect on my writing, something I don’t do enough 💖💖💖

[novastories]

Waves

Title and chapter loosely inspired by the song “Waves” by Dean Lewis.

Summary: Just when things are going well, everything changes.

Warnings: N/A

Word Count: 2k

A/N: A shorter chapter for good reason. Oh and…I’m sorry about this one (but not really because I’ve been sitting on this since I started writing this story) 😬 Thanks to my editor and beta reader @reginleight 💖

As always, likes are great and all, but comments, reblogs, and feedback are highly appreciated and loved! 🤭

Previous | Next | Masterlist

“Today was a good day,” Aurora smiled, as she sunk into the couch.

“For once, I actually had fun. Even if it was with Hangman.” Bradley chuckled next to her, slipping an arm around her shoulders to bring her into a cuddle.

The two were sitting on the couch outside on the backyard porch after eating a late dinner with Peyton and Lucille. Peyton had gone to sleep while Lucille had gone to shower, leaving them to catch up with each other.

“Speaking of Hangman, I saw you two talking,” Bradley brought up.

“He wanted to apologize for, you know, the whole situation that had gone down.”

“Yeah, he apologized to me too before the game.”

“I’m glad he did,” she replies.

“So Mav and Mama Pen. Again.” Bradley brings up.

“I can’t believe dad tried to sneak out through the window like a teenager. It was honestly so funny to see. Peyton’s going to lose his mind tomorrow when he’s sober and realizes what happened.”

“Speaking of, I believe I am owed $20,” Bradley smirks.

Aurora groans. “I’ll give it to you later. If only they could have gotten together a few more weeks later.”

“I’m surprised they even got together again as fast as they did.”

“It’s always like that whenever they see each other again,” Aurora shrugs. “I just hope this time, it works out. They’re soulmates, just waiting for the right timing.”

Bradley hums at that. He always believed that’s what he and Aurora were as well, soulmates that couldn’t be together until the timing was right.

They hit a lull in their conversation before Aurora spoke up again.

“I’m worried, Bradley.”

Bradley turned to her in concern. “About what?”

“This mission. It sounds dangerous, and I’m worried about you.”

“You think I can’t do it?”

“It’s not that, I know you can do it,” she reassures him. “Your profile shows that you have the capabilities for this mission.”

“You looked at my profile?”

“Not important,” she cuts him off. He chuckles before letting her continue.

“I’m worried that your emotions will cloud your judgment. I’m scared you won’t come back home. I just can’t, I can’t lose you B, I can’t I–”

“Woah, woah, deep breath princess, c’mon breathe,” Bradley tries to calm her down before she gets too worked up. He put his hands on both sides of her face, getting her to look into his eyes. 

“I’m right here Aurie, I’m not leaving you. I promised you I’m not going anywhere.” 

Aurora’s memory flooded with a flashback from when Bradley had made that promise to her after their fight that one time.

“I was so afraid I was gonna lose you B,” she whispers softly. They were sitting on the front porch of the Bradshaw's Virginia home, snow was falling and it was Christmas Eve. She had almost lost him in a car accident.

“Oh, darling.” Bradley brings her into a hug and she hugs him back tightly, arms wounding around his neck.

“I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Promise?”

“I promise, princess.”

“You remembered?” Aurora whispers. He lightly chuckles, before answering.

“Of course. I remember everything with you, princess.”

He removes his hands from her face before tugging down the collar of his shirt and bringing up the chain with his dog tags and his pendant.

“Remember what you got engraved here?”

She smiles, before reaching out to touch and admire it.

“Always Flying Home.”

“And I am keeping my promise. I will always fly home to you. You are my home, Ro. Nothing will ever change that.”

Aurora looked into his eyes and saw the same love and adoration she always saw whenever he looked at her. She loved that look, the look that was made for her and only her. 

He cups her cheek before pressing a quick kiss to her forehead. She relished the feeling of his lips and blushed. 

They smiled at each other before Bradley withdrew his arm and went back to cuddling her. She buries into his side and sighs.

“Just promise me something?”

“Sure, what is it?”

“After this mission is over, I want you and dad to talk. I know he pulled your papers and you’re still angry about it, but you can’t hold that hatred in for the rest of your life, B.”

Bradley sighs before giving in.

“Fine. I promise to talk to Mav when all this is said and done.”

“Thank you.”

“Anything for you, princess.” 

Aurora smiles happily. Everything was well.

Her mom and dad were giving it another chance and she had a good relationship with her little sister. She had her best friend and brother living with her, living closely with her aunts and uncles a few minutes away from them, and her best girl friend just a couple of hours away from her. She had new friends that she truly felt she could be herself around.

She wanted to freeze everyone in that moment forever. 

But unfortunately, life never gave her that moment. 

—

The beach day seemed to be what everyone needed but as soon as they were back in the classroom going over the maneuvers needed for the mission, everyone was tense. This mission was far more dangerous than they had thought.

Especially after Maverick told them the next phase in the mission, about pulling 9 G's minimum, which worried all the pilots.

Currently, Bradley was listening on the radio in the ready room as Phoenix, Bob, and Coyote were going through the course. It wasn’t until Maverick was following them did it all go downhill from there.

“Blue team, that’s a fail.”

“Level out, Coyote.” No response came from him.

“Coyote, do you copy? Coyote, come in,” Maverick calls out to Coyote.

Everyone in the room soon quiets because he wasn’t replying.

“Oh God, he’s in G-Loc,” Maverick says. In the room, Jake stands up and starts pacing around, anxiously listening to what was going on and hoping that his best friend would recover from G-Loc soon.

“I’m going after him,” Maverick maneuvers his F-18 to follow Coyote’s. 

“C’mon give me tone, give me tone, give me tone,” he mutters, praying that Coyote snaps out of it soon.

“Coyote, c’mon, wake up,” Bradley hears Jake whisper. 

“Damnit, Coyote! Pull up, pull up!” Maverick yells out.

A few seconds pass by before hearing Maverick speak out again.

“Coyote, you okay? You okay?” Maverick worriedly asks him.

“I’m okay. I’m good,” Coyote answers, after trying to catch his breath.

Jake releases the breath he didn’t know he was holding, while the rest of the room starts to breathe easily after that close call.

“Good, good. That’s enough for today,” Maverick announces. He was so worried he was going to lose Coyote for a second there. 

“That was close,” Phoenix proclaims, flying behind Maverick.

“Too close,” Maverick sighs. 

Then a few seconds later, birds flew into Phoenix's F-18, and all hell broke loose, just as they thought they were in the clear. 

“Bird strike! Bird strike!” Maverick called out, but it was too late. Phoenix’s left engine was on fire, and the plane was starting to go down. 

Phoenix was desperately trying to save it, while Bob was calling out the system mechanics, saying that the right engine was out.

Bradley worriedly listens to the radio, hoping Phoenix and Bob ejects on time.

“You can’t save it! Eject, eject!” Maverick yells to them. Phoenix and Bob both yell that they were ejecting.

Soon a boom was heard, and the room that Bradley stood in suddenly went silent.

—

Bradley sits in the ready room, staring at his dad’s old class Top Gun photo. How he almost came close to losing Phoenix, Bob, and Coyote in one day. How he almost lost his dad.

He was angry, and overcome with so much emotion. He knew he promised Aurora to stay calm, but he couldn’t. He was upset.

Maverick walks in and notices Bradley sitting, staring at the photo.

“They’ll keep Phoenix and Bob in the hospital overnight, for observation. They’re gonna be okay,” Maverick says to Bradley.

Bradley takes a breath before responding. “That’s good.” A few seconds pass before Bradley speaks up again.

“I’ve never lost a wingman.”

“You’re lucky. Fly long enough, it will happen. There will be others.”

Maverick soon turns to walk away. But before he can leave, Bradley speaks up.

“Easy for you to say. You fly like you have no family. No wife. You didn’t even get to see your kids grow because you were busy flying for the Navy. Dad left so he can spend time with mom and I. At least he had someone to mourn him if he had burned in. What would the twins even say if you burned in? Would they even mourn for their absent father?”

Bradley’s words hit him hard. He knew the twins always hated when he left because to him, the Navy was all he had.

When Peyton and Aurora were born, he thought he could do both, be a naval aviator, and a dad. He didn’t want to give up either.

But it turns out, he gave more priority to the Navy, something he had regretted after the twins had already grown up and started their own career paths.

Maverick knew Bradley’s emotions were getting to him, and that the words he said were hurtful.

“Go home. Just get some sleep,” Maverick ignores his words. He tries to walk out once again.

“Why’d you pull my papers at the academy?” Bradley stands up from his chair before turning to Maverick angrily. “Why did you stand in my way?!”

“You weren’t ready,” Maverick admits.

“Ready for what, huh?” Bradley huffs, walking towards Maverick. Maverick turns to face him. “Ready to fly like you?”

“No, ready to forget the book,” Maverick exclaims. “Trust your instincts, don’t think, just do! You think up there, you’re dead. Believe me.” 

“My dad believes in you. Aurora believes in you. I’m not going to make that mistake,” Bradley tells him.

Bradley felt betrayed by Maverick pulling his papers, believing he wasn’t ready to be a naval aviator. He wasn’t about to be fooled by him again.

All he wanted was to make his father, his mother, his godfather, and Aurora and Peyton proud. 

Bradley and Maverick were still huffing, chest to chest, until Warlock walked in.

“Maverick,” Warlock calls out. 

They turned and saw the dejected look on his face.

“Is it Ice?” Maverick whispers, to which Warlock shook his head.

Warlock was about to speak up before Peyton showed up behind him, tears in his eyes.

Peyton walks closer to the two before uttering the next few words that broke both men in that moment.

“It’s Aurora.”

- - -

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—

Disclaimer: This story is fictitious. All works are written by me and only posted here. Please do not copy, repost, or plagiarize on any other platform without my permission!

[riddle-me-ri]

I’m so sorry my dumbass forgot to send you a request the other day Mk

Could I request smut for Arkhamverse! Hatter? Like, he’s working with another rogue who he falls for and hangs out with her at home one day and things become intimate?

You don’t have to do this is to don’t wanna, so don’t feel pressured <3

A/N: asddfgg okay but no, I do the same thing all the time. So many messages, stories, and comments go unnoticed because I seen it and thought of the reply so surely that equates to me actually doing it?? Nope, nope not at all lmao. You’re all good! Hope you enjoy! My last Arkhamverse Jervis went waaayyy better than expected here’s hoping the same for this one.

Trigger Warnings: Explicit Sexual Content (make outs, biting, groping, handjobs, p.i.v. intercourse ), but also an obtuse amount of fluffiness in there (a lot of first times for Jervis happens here, lets gooo), Strong Language, slight mentions of criminal activity

Word Count: 2.9 k (uhh oops…so sorry rip)

Arkhamverse Jervis x F!Reader - Don’t Worry

You wouldn’t call yourself a natural rogue per se. You didn’t want to get your hands dirty unless absolutely necessary. Only ever really leaving your shop for more spare computer parts, every now and then relying on thievery alone to achieve it. 

However, no one showed their appreciation more for your services than Jervis Tetch, the Mad Hatter himself. You found yourself slightly put off when he first came in, it made sense for him to come in, but you’ve heard stories and rumors. You were always one to give everyone a chance. 

You couldn’t help but feel your heart swell whenever he smiled back at you or giggled his gratitude when you complimented his hat. He seemed genuinely excited to be acknowledged in even the slightest positive light. 

It didn’t surprise you that Jervis ultimately became a regular. Even if he had already come by that week twice, he somehow always found an excuse to come back. 

“Ah yes, to say it suffice, I forgot this for a certain device.” 

“No need to worry! I’ll just grab this and then I’ll scurry.” 

You remember the day you showed one of the ultimate acts of kindness Jervis had ever received. 

“Don’t worry, Jervis, you can take them.”

If it was one thing he could never get enough of, it’s the microchips you had. Which made sense in hindsight to his modus operandi. He came in for another pack of them, but you just handed them back to him. 

“What’s this you tell me? I shouldn’t get away with these for free!”

“Jervis, it’s fine. You need them more than I do, I know that for a fact! Consider it a gift, for being a loyal customer. A token of friendship.” 

“F-Friendship? Without…something in return for it? Some hardship to earn it?” 

Your heart dropped at that. His voice cracked at the revelation of someone genuinely being kind to him. 

You pushed through your sympathetic reverie and nodded. Even reaching up and straighten his hat, if it’d been anyone else touching his hat would have sent Jervis in a panic. Albeit, you were different as Jervis started to see. 

After that exchange, what once was weekly visits turned almost daily. Very rarely did he not come back even for a moment, even just to say hi or recite some cute little rhyme. 

Every now and then he’d come in and ramble about what’s on his mind. Those moments are when you learned how he was treated in Arkham, how he hated the way he was perceived and for how things transpired. You made it a point after that to show him genuine companionship, something he’s mentioned yearning for, for so long. 

It didn’t take long before you looked forward to his visits and had to admit how sad it made you when you didn’t see him for sometime. You knew it wasn’t because of anything you’ve said or done, he was a busy rogue after all, but that didn’t make you miss him any less. 

The next time he visited, you were going to finally ask him to spend some time with you outside your shop and outside of work. 

“Callooh callay! It’s so good to see you, dear Y/N, on such a glorious day!” 

“Hey stranger!” You found yourself giggling. “I thought I’d run you off somehow.”

“Oh, no. That’s not true, I always want to see you. I got busy you see, things compounded into twos and threes and fours and more. I…I couldn’t ignore.” 

“That’s okay, Jervis. I get it, trust me. But hey, do you have time to spend the day with me at my place? Just today, and you can get back to whatever it is you were working on?” You offered. 

Things went silent for a moment, and you feared you may have overstepped until you saw a Cheshire cat-like grin across Jervis’ face.

“That sounds truly delightful, my dear! I’d be honored to unload my troubles and see your humble abode.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~

You've never seen a more wholesome image than Jervis as he laid back straight on your sofa and he brought his feet up to dangle off the ground.

Jervis looked around your small apartment living room with such intensity. He felt like he was surrounded and embraced by you, he wanted that more than ever in a literal sense but was afraid to push you away, like he's done all those times before with others.

In hindsight you have no doubt it was the dumbest idea to let a high profile rogue into your home. However, you didn't see Jervis like that, well not anymore it would seem.

It only made sense to make some tea for the both of you. When the man wasn't talking about neurons, electricity, and mock turtles he also talked about his preferences for tea.

You noticed him looking around out of the corner of your eye. For a man constantly getting control over others minds, you don't think you could ever get a grip of his own mind. You wanted to at least try. 

"Are you comfortable, Jervis?" You chortled as he continued dangling his feet off your couch. You noticed his peculiar striped socks and it made you giggle. 

"Indeed." He grinned while looking around more. 

You weren't quite sure what he was looking at or for but he seemed to be enjoying himself nonetheless. 

"Can I inquire about what you've been working on? I can only hope that my…items were beneficial?" 

Jervis pondered for a moment. "Perhaps sometime soon I can show you then. The results of your assistance, my friend." This was the first time he had used the term deliberately back at you, testing the waters. 

You smiled when he called you his friend, alas there was a strange sinking feeling about it. You surely didn't want to be just that…did you? No, you found out, you didn't. 

Your lack of verbal response made Jervis unsure, he began looking down and twiddling his thumbs. 

“Everything okay, Jervis?”

“D-Do you…is it true, that you think I’m a friend to you?” 

Your eyebrows furrowed. “Of course, I do. I love being in your company. I look forward to you visiting my shop every time I open.” 

The way he sat up, his face almost glowing from happiness was way too cute for his own good. 

“Y-You truly mean that don’t you?” He whispered, almost questioning himself if he heard that right more so than asking you. 

“I do mean it, you…you mean a lot to me, Jervis. I-um..er..” It was obvious to yourself you were falling for the eccentric ex-milliner, but didn’t want to send the man into vapor lock. He still couldn’t get over the concept of being friends. 

“Yes?”

Shit. 

“I-um…well…if you don’t mind me saying so…at the risk of making things awkward…But if we’re being honest. I must admit I have grown extremely fond of you…”

“As I have of you, too.” He admitted with a small smile. 

You sighed in exasperation. A slow warmth grew under your cheeks, you didn’t need that right now. You just had to find the best way to say this. 

“I’m glad, because…I foresee us, well maybe possibly…being more than friends?” 

Silence hung in the air, as the rogue sat back and thought about this admission. Do you truly mean it? He may be out of touch with reality most days but he wasn’t entirely foolish, he understood where you were getting at. 

Jervis was trying his damnest not to bounce off the couch in extreme delight. “D-Do you…truly see…a future with you and me?” 

You nodded. “I really do, Jervis. If you want that…”

“My dear, my sweet darling, Y/N. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”    

You felt the sharpest intake of breath from Jervis as your hand came up to cup his cheek, your other hand soon following behind to his other cheek. You glanced again to see any discomfort in his face. 

He did seem terrified, but in a way that spoke of insecurity and uncertainty of the turnout. The way his eyes cut back and forth between your eyes and your lips was the confirmation you needed. 

The moment your lips touched his, Jervis was a goner. Your heart swelled at the smallest sound of his whimpers, as he clumsily but adamantly kissed you back. When you softly and slowly pulled your lips away, you swoon as you noticed Jervis still slightly leaning forwards with his eyes closed hoping the kiss would continue. 

You put your hand on his shoulder to stop him from falling into you. His eyes opened and warmth started tinting his cheeks pink. 

You couldn't resist, you leaned in and kissed him again. After a moment, you attempted to take things further. You slightly nibbled on his bottom lip, when he gasped at the sensation you gently intruded his mouth with your tongue. 

Despite his obvious inexperience, he took your gesture in stride, allowing you more access and actively twirling his tongue with yours. Jervis’ small soft moans caused your lips and mouth to tickle from the vibrations. You pulled away from him giggling sweetly.

“Jervis, was that your first kiss?” You asked, curiously. You never thought to ask until now, you just got caught up in the moment. 

Still rendered speechless from the kisses he nodded. Slowly, but surely coming to the realization himself that was indeed his first kiss. You ask him if he wants to take it further and you’re certain his face flushed a loud pink color, but he still manages somehow to nod, and expectantly waits your next move. 

You give him another reassuring kiss before you sit back on your haunches and began taking off your sweatshirt. To say Jervis’ eyes were locked onto your motions like a hawk is an understatement. He’s committed to keep every last bit of this to memory. Not just to recall later, but to reassure himself this is happening and not some other cruel illusion or dream. 

As you laid out bare as the day you were born, you couldn’t help but blush at the way Jervis was awing you. The fact that he was in awe of you, staring with eyes blown wide like you’re some ethereal being you’ve decided is worthy to be in your presence. 

You lean forward and gently pluck his hat from the top of his head. You whispered softly. “This is usually where you take off your clothes too.” 

You pecked his nose and that seemed to wake him from whatever trance you had him in. You tried so hard not to laugh as he giddily began shucking off his clothes. When he’s done removing his clothes, you’re quick to drag his face back to yours and kiss his lips again. 

You grab his wrists out of the corner of your eye and began leading them over to your body. Always wearing his gloves, you were excited to feel the warmth from his hands. The rough calluses and the small chips in his fingernails. You brought them to your chest and he slowly began rubbing and squeezing your breasts, experimentally. 

It was your turn to moan into his mouth as he gradually got used to kneading and groping your chest. Your hands go up and find purchase in his hair. You could tell he was still unsure, slightly holding back. 

You leaned your forehead onto his. You stared into his eyes, before reassuring him in a hushed tone, “don’t worry, Jervis. It’s okay. You can take me, have all of me.”

If Jervis’ eyes weren’t blown out before they are now. You always told him that, don’t worry, don’t worry, don’t worry. It’s what made him finally feel comfortable around you, made him believe your friendship was real, that what’s to come after this is real. 

Jervis nodded, as a first step to show initiative he brought his lips to yours in a searing kiss. Before you knew it, you were laying back on the couch cushion and Jervis was hovering over you. He pulled away, looking to gauge your reaction. When he saw your wide, loving smile, it made his heart skip a few beats. 

He took your gleeful reaction as an indicator to keep going, that he was doing it right. He let his instincts slowly take over. All the things he dreamt and fantasized about doing to your skin, your body, your mind. 

Jervis began kissing along your face, down your neck, and down to your shoulders. He kissed back up to the junction of your neck and shoulder. He licked and sucked on the skin there attentively. 

You kept on hand at the back of his head, cradling it, to keep him near you. Your other hand slithered down in between the two of you to a growing bulging member that lied just above your mound. You gently gripped the base, causing Jervis to gasp in your ear, but not say anything. He softly thrusted against your hand, silently asking you to continue. 

You slowly dragged your fist and the skin there, up and down his cock. Grip not too tight, pace not to fast. To let him get used to your touch. As he kept littering your neck, shoulders, and chest with kisses and suckles, you developed a decent pace with him. 

His whimpers, moans, and groans had no right to make you as wet as you were right then and there. You could also tell if you kept this up for much longer, he wouldn’t last. You gently slowed your ministrations and removed your hand from his member. 

Jervis was panting at this point, his normally pale complexion was evenly mixed with a heated flushed pink across his face and upper chest. Almost shaking and quaking and he hasn’t even been inside you yet.

“I-If you want to stop-”

“No! No..no please…” He glanced back into your eyes. He brought one of his hands up to cup your cheek. “I-I want you…this, please…”

You nodded reassuringly, giving him a kiss. You help him line himself up to your entrance, your other hand exposing your damp folds to the chilling air. 

When he fully sheaths himself inside of you, it’s an overwhelming feeling, slightly painful at the force but nothing excruciating. He was a decent thickness, but was longer than you anticipated. Practically hitting your cervix upon the first entry. 

You bit down hard on your lip, almost drawing blood. You could feel Jervis panting into your neck. You wait for him to get used to the pressure, to the sensation. You comb your hand through his hair and occasionally peck his head. 

You were about to suggest to switch positions, but he started moving before you could get the words out. He started out the slow and articulate, still somewhat unsure. Once he found your sweet spots that had you moaning his name, Jervis did everything he could to keep you chanting his name. 

“Ah-ah..Jer-Jervis..f-fuck…” 

His back broke out in tiny red lines along his back as you scratched him. Your skin in turn was being slightly pricked him his unevenly clipped nails, digging into your heated flesh. His teeth sinking and marking your neck and shoulders.

You thanked whatever higher power existed that he was a fast learner. It didn’t take long...Between the growing harbored feelings and missing him the last couple of weeks, you could feel the goosebumps begin bubbling up all over your body. 

Jervis’ shaky pants and trembling limbs, you could tell he was at his end too. One of your hands once again went down between your two bodies. Your index and middle finger began quickly making fast and short circles around your clit, as your walls began choking Jervis’ cock. 

You barely heard him groaning something that sounded like; “t-tight, tight, tight, tight..” into your ear, as he began rutting faster and deeper than before. 

“J-Jervis...Jervis, please…please…so close..so close..” You were almost in tears. The ball of nerves in the pit of your stomach bound so tight, just waiting to burst. 

Before you knew it, everything went white. You could make out Jervis’ whimpering gasps as his load flooded into you, causing the dam of your nerves to finally break free. Bolts of electricity ran through every nerve and vein in your body. You didn’t even recognize the pleasurable howls of ecstasy you let out to be your own. 

Much like yourself, Jervis was reluctant to move. It took a lot to get him to even pull out of you finally, again, you being just as reluctant. You were both shaky, breathless, tingling messes, but ultimately satisfied and delighted in the spectacle of your new found relationship. 

Jervis was slowly able to put on his boxers and the white dress shirt he wore underneath most of his layers. You grabbed your sweatshirt and underwear to change back into. 

He glanced up at the clock and let out a soft chortle. “It would appear I’ve overstayed my welcome.” 

You glanced at the clock, sure enough it was midnight. “You gonna run off like the White Rabbit?” You teased, grabbing a blanket to drape over the two of you as you snuggled into his side. 

Jervis let out one of his giddy chuckles that you grew to adore. “I wouldn’t dream of it, my dear. There’s no where else I’d rather be than be with you here.”

[sirenjose]

Missing Player-ID: 157716441

Plot Analysis Part 2

Main Story: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

Hidden Story: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

Plot Analysis: Part 1

Puzzle Solver Analysis

The mother, Qin Yiying was another person affected by Liu Bingsen and his organization. She was likely “Patient X” from the BPRS document, the patient that remained “calm”. She was the author of a document dated September 9th 2005, where she talks about “good news” that there’s been no new “suspicious behavior”, as well as maintaining a “peaceful” appearance for the sake of their daughter, and forgetting the past and what she saw if it “doesn’t continue”. The “suspicious behavior” is in reference to the truth of Liu Bingsen’s actions.

“September 9th 2005 Today is the tenth anniversary. It should have been a very happy moment, but I couldn’t be happy. Looking back 10 years ago, in the church, we swore an oath in front of the pastor. Our friends, like us, have happiness and joy on their faces. When I say ‘I do’ I feel that the future is full of beauty. But I didn’t expect to become like this today. I really don’t want to believe it. I am very conflicted, but whenever I think of the situation at the time, I still hold up hope. The good news is that there have been no new suspicious behaviors in a year. For the sake of our daughter, I’ll maintain the appearance of peace and choose to forget what I saw before and to never reveal it, as long as it doesn’t continue. I am still willing to hold out hope.”

We know based on the December 9th 2009 document, as well as Research Fragment 6, that Qin Yiying eventually did learn the truth about what Liu Bingsen was actually doing. This ties with how, when the Detective asked the mother if she loved her husband, she avoided giving a straight answer and couldn’t say she actually did.

Going back to the December 9th 2009 document, Qin Yiying commented on not being a “helpless child” anymore and wanting “revenge”/“just punishment”. We also talked about her nightmare and Liu Bingsen seeing his father’s face mirrored in her eyes. To understand everything, it’s time now to talk about Qin Yiying’s past. ***** gave the most telling info on her in his “About Her” file and in the document dated September 9th 1992.

“About her: The daughter of a lost parent, many hardships, inescapable misfortune, life is ups and downs. Hatred and patience, struggle and submission, although there was little hope, she was fortunate to escape. I wanted to live in peace and heal my wounds, I want to leave my past behind. But then the shadows appear and crisis awaits, she escaped the wolf’s den, into the tiger’s mouth. Fortunately, a secret love was born, and the butcher’s knife was temporarily withdrawn. The knot is tied, and they are joined together. 15 years of different dreams in the same bed. There are many lies, disguises, and plans.  The world is easy to change, but it’s hard to change one’s nature: a great deal of trust, in exchange for 100% sorrow. When the truth is revealed, all hope is lost, only by killing the sinners can we be saved. The wheel of fortune spins relentlessly, the remaining treasures also turn into clouds of smoke. Now, a broken soul. I’ll leave it to you to interrupt her slumber.”

“September 9th 1992 The man I've never met always gives me a glimpse of fantasy when I'm vulnerable. What does he look like, do I look like him? My mother might have kept a picture of him, but it was so long ago that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t dig into my memory to find out what he looked like. Was he a gentle man? I still remember my mother describing their story to me with great emotion, but I can’t remember exactly what she told me. Although I had never met him, I could feel the happiness in her words - if one had seen the story of the man and could not remember what was said, one could clearly perceive the happiness. Such a person must be gentle. If I could meet him, what should I tell him? I should tell him what happened to my mother ...... and tell him that she was wronged in his absence. I feel for her. As for me ...... I’d rather not let him have too many worries. He’s a hero to his country and a hero to my mother. He’s already too tired. And… I’ve found a way to reconcile with myself in the dark basement(?). They gave me companionship and encouragement in my most desperate moments, and allowed me to persevere without him. Do I hate the devil? Of course! After making him disappear completely, they all advised me to leave the hatred behind and just run away, as far away as possible. They all said that if I kept the hatred, the person I hated would not really leave me. But it's not easy! The excruciating pain, the festering wounds, the black bruises ...... they know too! They've been through it with me! No more, thankfully, no more: a new world, new friends, no more wounds, no more shouts, no more nightmares. If my mother had known, she would have been pleased that I had met a good man. He would have given my mother what she lost – a happy family. And my child would not have to see their father only in memories as they does now. When they think of their father, they must be filled with happiness and pride. I'm sure they are. But I'm really curious what their father was like.”

This information the Detective is given tells us that Qin Yiying never knew her father, seemingly dying in service to his country. In the September 9th 1992 document, which is written by Qin Yiying, she talks about wishing she could tell her father about how her mother was “wronged”(?) in his absence.

Combined with the “About Her” section, the mention of the “broken childhood” during the main section of the game should actually refer to Qin Yiying’s childhood, not her daughter’s (Liu Lingjing).

“April 3rd 1995 It’s so beautiful here, and it’s the perfect place to come with friends and loved ones when the cherry blossoms are in bloom. I feel better. In a few months, the lotus pond next to here will be full of lotus flowers and ducks will be playing in the water. We’ll have to come back then. In the future, when we have a child, we will bring them here often to play. I hope their childhood will be happy, unlike me… But the good news is, that’s all in the past, right?”

In the September 9th 1992 document, she talks about finding a way to “reconcile” with herself and talks about making the “devil” disappear completely. The meaning behind this could be related to the one phrase about a body being thrown into Iron Camel Mountain(?). When the name was mentioned, the mother talked about it being dangerous, hard to find, and very dark. Therefore, the true meaning behind this could be that Qin Yiying killed someone, this “devil”, and threw their body into the mountain to hide the evidence and her crime. Whoever this was could relate to the page from December 2009 which mentions a “name” the mother didn’t think she’d ever see again. It was this same document that referenced “new victims” and wanting “just punishment” now that she wasn’t a “helpless child” anymore.

Considering what we’ve said so far about Qin Yiying’s nightmare and Liu Bingsen’s father, as well as what we know the organization Liu Bingsen joined, it’s possible Qin Yiying witnessed her mother being abused (or even killed potentially) by Liu Bingsen’s father, who was likely part of the organization (In Research Fragment 3, Liu Bingsen mentioned the organization having a “strict selection and inheritance system”, which may imply Liu Bingsen was able to join because his father had been a part of it).

The reason Qin Yiying’s mother may have been abused or killed by this organization connects to the wrapping paper for the package the Detective received, which had the label “Vietnam Immigration” on it. This is important based on the information we received from ***** which talked about “witch hunts”, extremism, and discrimination. Qin Yiying’s mother likely suffered from this kind of inhuman treatment.

Based on the line about Iron Camel Mountain, it’s possible that Qin Yiying killed Liu Bingsen’s father in revenge. This would explain how she knew about the mountain being dark, dangerous, and hard to find, which was why she’d choose to hide the body of the “murderer” there: to hide any evidence of her crime.

From the “About Her” section, we see that Qin Yiying tried to forget the past and live in peace, but she ended up falling in love with the son of her enemy, the so-called “devil” potentially. Liu Bingsen knew the truth of who Qin Yiying was but didn’t get rid of her. Instead, they got married, and Liu Bingsen used deception to try to hide his secret from her. This is where the “About Her” note, specifically the part about it being hard to change a person’s nature, as well as how the truth was revealed, hope was lost, and salvation only coming from killing the sinner. This was to hint at Qin Yiying eventually learning the truth (that Liu Bingsen’s father killed her mother and the shady business Liu Bingsen was involved in, including trafficking human organs and/or body parts), with the part about “killing the sinner” referred to her killing Liu Bingsen in revenge by sabotaging his car.

“The safety standards for cars are so high that there is basically no possibility of direct spontaneous combustion, even if the fuel tank has been hit. Even spark plugs, because they only use an electric arc, ignite the (oil-contaminated) gas mixture, not the gasoline fluid itself. Since…”

Unfortunately for Qin Yiying, the day she caused her husband’s accident, he wasn’t leaving for shady business, but because he wanted to take his daughter to Happy Valley to play.

“September 8th 2010 The other day, Su Su (?) went to Happy Valley again (water stains). I always wanted to go there, but I didn’t make the trip. It would be nice if my parents came with me. But I can’t get my hopes up, or you’ll be even more upset if you get stood up. Mom has been uncharacteristically late in recent months, but instead (water stains) has started to leave work on time, and seems to be counting on Dad to be more reliable. Latest Information! I just learned that Dad is going to Happy Valley tomorrow, hehe~ He promised to take me there, and he said he will take me to the haunted house, even though I’m scared, I’m still super excited. Dad told me not to tell mom. (Water stains) Of course, you can’t (water stains) skip school, and I’ve said several times that (water stains) I’m not going to be able to sleep.”

This accidental death led to the creation of the daughter personality the mother has. This personality finds clues left by the mother (the real personality) and her father. The daughter’s social media account also has some entries where she talks about feeling out of control, being awake for shorter periods of time, before commenting she “remembered”, which may have been when the mother (real personality) took control again, forgetting everything, leading to the mother thinking he daughter had disappeared.

This was likely what happened to the mother after we told her about Iron Camel Mountain/Tie Tuoshan. She realized everything had been her own fantasy, and that her real daughter had died years ago.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a different note, I want to quickly discuss Xiao Dadong. His patient records mention him claiming to have heard “the voice of a dead friend” saying something about “he wanted to take him with him to death”(?).

This makes me think of the report that mentioned a boy dying, and his death leading to serial killings, with the police finding 35 bodies in the suspect’s yard.

“On December 11, 1978, the disappearance of a 15-year old boy let to a string of psychopathic killings by John Wayne Gacy. Although the boy’s last interview was with his construction company before he disappeared, he denied seeing the boy when questioned by police. A police search accidentally uncovered his hidden underground “vault” and eventually found 35 bodies hidden in his house and yard…”

Liu Bingsen mentioned the killer’s nickname was the Clown, and Xiao Dadong also played as a clown before becoming a ghost at the Haunted House.

This would tie to 1 of the hidden messages left by *****, who talked about the “real killer” still being on the loose and using his flaws as the rules of the puzzle.

“It is a colorful world, but in different people's eyes, it has different colors. Blood is a horrible bright red liquid in your eyes, but some people see it as nothing more than a dark, sullen juice that doesn't stir up a ripple inside. Similarly, this is a world of diverse values. Different people have different pursuits. Although those who dare to harm others at will are in the minority, good ordinary people like you still need to protect themselves. I would say this story is not over yet, because the real killer is still on the loose. But from the very beginning until now, I've been using his flaws as the rules of the puzzle. I'm making up the world as I see it and sharing it with you in the hope that you'll still love it even after you know how cruel it is, just like I do, although the parts we love should be completely different. Oh, by the way, for me you can be completely at ease, I promise not to hurt you. If necessary, I will even help you.”

The rules for this puzzle involved color confusion, which can relate to Xiao Dadong being colorblind, considering he saw blood as brownish-yellow. It could be that the 15-year old boy that was reported to have died was the “dead friend” Xiao Dadong claimed to have heard, and if Xiao Dadong was the killer, it could mean the “this person killed me” message the Detective found in Dadong’s notebook was either from 1 of Dadong’s victims, or it could’ve been the “voice” he claimed to have heard in his head that may have been the reason he was driven to murder.

[elystwelve]

Mystic Flour can we honestly e date? you’re so beautiful. You always make me laugh, you always make me smile. You literally make me want to become a better person… I really enjoy every moment we spend together. My time has no value unless its spent with you. I tell everyone of my irls how awesome you are. Thank you for being you. Whenever you need someone to be there for you, know that i’ll always be right there by your side. I love you so much. I don’t think you ever realize how amazing you are sometimes. Life isn’t as fun when you’re not around. You are truly stunning. I want you to be my soulmate. I love the way you smile, your eyes are absolutely gorgeous. If I had a star for everytime you crossed my mind i could make the entire galaxy. Your personality is as pretty as you are and thats saying something. I love you, please date me. I am not even calling it e dating anymore because I know we will meet soon enough heart OK I ADMIT IT I LOVE YOU OK i hecking love you and it breaks my heart when i see you play with someone else or anyone commenting in your profile i just want to be your girlfriend and put a heart in my profile linking to your profile and have a walltext of you commenting cute things i want to play video games talk in discord all night and watch a movie together but you just seem so uninsterested in me it hecking kills me and i cant take it anymore i want to remove you but i care too much about you so please i’m begging you to eaither love me back or remove me and never contact me again it hurts so much to say this because i need you by my side but if you dont love me then i want you to leave because seeing your icon in my friendlist would kill me everyday of my pathetic life.

I have seen numerous people use this filter and I can confidently say that your rendition of the use of this filter is by far the best I’ve ever seen. You’re absolutely hilarious, very quirky, whacky, and unique. And you know you are all of those things. I just love how raw, unscripted, and genuine your reactions are whilst using this filter. No other person has ever posted something like this. It’s so refreshing to see someone as different yet original as you. As cliché as it may sound, you aren’t like the other girls. You were built different. And I applause you for that.

Date Mystic Flour

Kiss Mystic Flour

Propose to Mystic Flour

Marry Mystic Flour

Have a lifetime lasting relationship with Mystic Flour

Go on many picnics with Mystic Flour

Play games with Mystic Flour

Travel the world with Mystic Flour

Listen to the stories and laughs of Mystic Flour

Fall asleep each night and wake up each morning while looking at Mystic Flour

Have children with Mystic Flour

Build a house with Mystic Flour

Watch our children grow up while we are expecting our fourth with Mystic Flour

Watch the stars twinkle in the night, as we rest, shoulder to shoulder, with our children sleeping next to us with Mystic Flour

Watch our children grow into warm, self sufficient, caring and capable adults, with Mystic Flour

Retire to a farm next to the woods with Mystic Flour

Have our children and grandchildren come to celebrate holidays together with Mystic Flour

Take long hikes into the woods while holding hands, remembering all the amazing events we had in our life with Mystic Flour

Pass away while at home, surrounded by family, holding hands with Mystic Flour

As the void takes me, take the sight of a smile, covered with a stream of never ending tears, and feeling the warm embrace and kiss of Mystic Flour

...

All this mf did was sleep in a cocoon and she's already SERVING CUUUUUUNT 💅✨️

[fullfiresiren]

// toxic!Gojo headcannons //

notes: it’s literally cannon that Gojo belongs to the streets so idk what y'all expect from him really ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ man is a menace, enough said...

warnings: nsfw/18+, degradation, triggering, relationship abuse

He’ll gaslight you any chance he gets.

He disappears for weeks with zero contact. There’s no word of a goodbye from him, and you have to hear from others where it is he’s actually gone, and what it is he’s doing. He seemingly drops off the face of the Earth and ghosts you for the whole time he’s away. The worst part is, he’s active on his socials and reads your messages — he just doesn’t care enough to reply.

He thinks it’s funny when you get emotional. in the middle of a one-sided argument where you’re desperately trying to get through to him, to explain what he did and how it made you feel, he’s too busy smirking at the way your face is red with emotion to pay any attention to whatever it is you’re saying. He doesn’t care, and the more he laughs at you, the more upset you get. That’s the point. He thinks it funny when you’re hysterical.

He has major dacryphilia. loves it when you cry -- even more so if he’s the one who caused it. seeing the way you try to conceal your sadness over his nasty comments and sly digs has him hard in his pants.

He never says thank you. for anything. 

He never apologizes.

If he does apologize, it’s those GARBAGE apologies like; “I’m sorry that you think I hurt you.” “I’m sorry you felt offended.” “You know I'd never intentionally hurt you.” 

Whenever you tell him you love him, he simply replies; “me, too.”

When he has “work dinners” or “work get-togethers” where you’re not invited, he’ll explain it’s just for the employees of Jujutsu Tech. Later, on his insta story, he’s at a club in the VIP section with Geto and a bunch of girls you don’t recognize.

Master manipulator. When you confront him about his shitty behavior, it’s “I’m always the bad guy, huh?” and “wow, I guess I'm the worst boyfriend ever, right?” He'd definitely throw in “you’re just crazy - everyone else thinks so, too.” 

Thinks cheating is only cheating if it’s full penetrative sex. blowjobs and hand jobs “don’t count”

When you pack your shit and leave, it’s “baby, I’m sorry, I promise I’ll change. You’re the only one for me, you’re the only one I’d ever love. I can’t do this without you. I need you.” on his knees, begging type behavior. massive empty promises. if you get back with him, he’ll be back to his regular antics in 5 minutes.

You’d come second. To everything. Shoko invited him out to a bar with Nanami? He’s there. Oh, you had plans for a quiet night in? “Sorry that I forget things sometimes, I can’t remember everything we plan -- plus you said you’d probably fall asleep during the movie anyway and leave me to watch it by myself, so that’s just selfish if you think about it.”

If you get into a fight where he feels he’s losing because you’re making clearly valid points, he’ll bring up his past to make you feel bad. 

Definitely compares you to his exes.

Just don’t date him, okay? Leave toxic gojo to the streets where he belongs.

[revserrayyu]

2.2 Penacony thoughts [part 3]

**Spoiler warning** in place as usual. I did finish the entire 2.2 story as of last night but this post will cover up until after the first boss fight since there is much to discuss with the upcoming scenes. As always, don’t read on if you wanna experience the story on your own terms.

Starting off with something not so serious and it’s this one option they give us to choose. You wouldn’t believe how often I would say something like “if evil, why hot?” whenever Sunday appears to be acting suspicious, so this reply got a chuckle out of me.

Hearing Firefly speak about her three deaths was surprising. I know she and the other Stellaron Hunters are all following the script and shouldn’t rely defy it, but it’s gotta be at least a but concerning how you’ll have to perish not once, not twice but thrice during one mission, even if they’re not actual deaths. The mention about the third death being the final death does not evoke reassuring feelings in my heart even if these deaths are suppose to help us.

The whole scene when we watch her transform into Sam was pretty cool though. Just a shame we didn’t see or hear from her at all after this. She leaves a wish hoping we’ll meet again in reality, but I’m not so certain it’ll happen.. I would like to hope so though.

The flashback with her and Blade gets brought up again and I love how envious he is that death is part of Firefly’s script and not his. He’d gladly trade places with her if he could.

Then we have yet another scene between Acheron and that old man companion of hers. Her lack of taste is brought into question as she eats a supposedly spicy fruit and feels nothing at all. It reminds me of that brief encounter Black Swan mentioned, where she saw Acheron drinking several glasses of ‘Wake the Heck Up’ and didn’t comment on the bitter flavor of it.

Acheron goes on saying that losing oneself is a drawback to being a self-annihilator, but at least she hasn’t lost all her sense and memories yet, though I fear if that day will ever come because that’s actually so sad and I don’t want that for her! She’d almost be like an empty shell with nothing. At least the scene tries to make me feel a little bit better as Acheron mentions a friend she was once very close to.

Unfortunately those nice feelings don’t last long because of course her companion perished! I want Acheron to find some sort of happiness in this game please! Sure she said goodbye with a smile because that was her friend’s wish but hearing how scared she is about losing her friend’s memory hurts my little heart. Naturally I’m curious about who this friend of Acheron is if they were once a Nameless too.

I’m sure there’s a connection between all this chatter about the color red, the fact that color is so prominent whenever Acheron unsheathes her blade and occasionally speaks in red text, but I don't have the brainpower to think too deep into it all right now. All that aside, this was such a pretty frame of her to look at.

Aww, Dan Heng cares about us so much! You’re also a treasure to us!

It took me until now to realize that the symbol on these nightingales look like an eye, which makes perfect sense as there is a giant eye in Ena the Order’s splash art.

Sunday also has a similar design on the front of his shirt and his rings showed the same design where his hand was clearly visible. Coincidently, I believe this is the same hand he usually holds behind his back.

Yeah yeah, you win good brother points for volunteering yourself to do this task rather than force Robin to do it despite her own personal views and feelings.

Flashbacks of being wanted by the Silvermane Guards coming back full force. To be fair, we are on a planet that used to be a full scare prison, so jail was gonna happen one way or another. Just our kind of luck. And I’ll be honest, I kinda blanked out during most of Sunday’s history lesson about Penacony. I was focused more on trying team comps for Harmony trailblazer.

I don’t remember the full conversation when we finally run into Sunday again in the theater but all Himeko’s comments were great. Mom is done messing around.

Norman from The Promised Neverland? Is that you? Seriously though, he and Sunday sound so similar here, as Norman wanted to eradicate all the demons so all the humans could live freely. Not to mention that his Lamdba companions and all those kids he rescued in the Paradise Hideout look up to him as a savior. (sorry if that spoils anything from TPN, but take this as my offer to read the manga. it’s wonderful. season two was adapted horribly.)

All those times I joked about him being holy and he decided to take it literally.

Just as I assumed, our handsome man is indeed the final boss, which unfortunately leads me to believe that he won’t become a playable character. Hey if I have to be sad about missing out on having Cocolia, then y’all need to be upset about Sunday. Don’t get me wrong, I was hoping he would be playable too and become another Imaginary unit, but since he’s now confirmed to be siding with the Order, the Harmony path wouldn’t exactly fit him, nor would any other playable path.

So um.. the battle begins and it didn’t take long for me to realize that something was wrong. The livestream spoke about how this boss had three different phases, but as the fight went on, none of them happened? It didn’t prompt us to choose our team before the encounter began or force us to use the new Harmony Trailblazer. The fight just sorta happened and ended without much hype and it felt very underwhelming, especially with how great Aventurine’s boss fight was last patch.

During the midst of my confusion, reliable Danny boy arrives with Jing Yuan to assist us in an awesome cutscene which makes me feel a little better at least.

And then we.. wake up. And it seems everything is fine..?

Only it wasn’t all fine! But for now I’ll stop here because this will probably have to be divided up into five parts again.

[oddberryshortcake]

For the character ask meme!

The floaty blue lava lamp, from that stupid silly card game anime spinoff show! <3

ASTRAL MY LOVE!!

What I love about them: SO much!! Gorgeous character design, I think about just how effective his design is all the damn time, he’s the perfect example of ‘ethereal beauty.’ I can only imagine how much more effective his design would be had his hair been more ‘flowy’ with better animation. But Ygo thrives on detailed still images and just look up one picture of Astral and you’ll just see- here, I’ll do it for you

Also a nonbinary legend. He/she/they take the crown.

I’ve always loved the trope of inhuman being discovering humanity for the first time, I love how well Zexal was able to execute how he changed over the course of the series- From a frankly emotionless brat who always had some snarky condescending comment say, to a genuinely kind person with some agency of his own (some, we’ll get into that.) I loved seeing each emotion he experienced, and he’s just great and underutilized despite being the most important person in the series (we’ll get into that)

What I hate about them: He was not utilized enough! It’s not his fault, it's the executives and such, but rewatching when Astral (spoilers) was genuinely disagreeing with Yuma and finding it hard to see himself going down the same path as him and trusting him again (which is huge because Astral got to a point where he trusted Yuma unconditionally and it blew up in his face bad,) what could’ve been used to voice their differences and speak up for himself more just…Did not happen. All of Astral’s thoughts stay within his head. 

He gets shoved to the side a LOT for someone who is a floating plot devise and the entire reason the story is even happening. It’s been about 12 years and Astral is still viewed as an extension of Yuma in a lot of the official ygo merchandise. I love their relationship, but Astral needed to be more independent! Narratively and just in general. 

Favorite Moment/Quote: I had to go back and get it, subbed episode 48- “I have no idea when I will vanish, but you have a future and infinite possibilities. Thus, I wish to leave behind the proof of my existence in your mind” (I believe dub said ‘heart’ instead of ‘mind’, both work beautifully)

Astral completely excluding himself from having a future, resigning to disappearing without a trace and no one will remember him but Yuma…and that’s all he wants out of his life. It is so damn sad that he just sort of resigns to his existence being a fickle and meaningless thing (once his mission is over) but his innocent hope of at least one person remembering him cementing itself in his friend’s grief-addled mind just aaaa! He’s just got this air of sadness that’s so !! 

What I would like to see more focus on: Astral was created for one purpose only, and when that he succeeded in his mission, it’s implied that there’s just nothing after that. That he’d just be used up, dead and gone. He carries this sort of instinctual desire to self-sacrifice because that is what he’s made to do and I’m always screaming at the TV screen, just begging him to think about himself and gain a desire to live!! Screw these people who made you to fix their own mistakes! You deserve to live, Astral!

What I would like to see less focus on: Uhhh not sure really, maybe less of him just living and breathing through Yuma and more of him being his own person. 

Favorite pairing with: Oh that’s easy, It’s [REDACTED] But on something I can talk about, I genuinely really enjoyed writing Goldenshipping (Jey x Astral) when you commissioned me and whenever I see the fanart I go 👀👀

Favorite friendship: Astral and Yuma are iconic (and obvious.) For a more unconventional one, the little friendship Astral and Haruto had was so genuinely wholesome (too bad those characters both aren’t really focused on at all) 

Astral teaching this traumatized child how to eat with chopsticks and smiling fondly at him when his instruction works?? Fucking beautiful. I cried. 

The fact that Astral was willing to give all of his numbers, his MEMORIES, to Kaito in order to save Haruto should Yuma find that the better solution. Amazing.

NOTP: Literally cannot think of any except maybe Eliphas because as much as that man denies it, that IS HIS SON 

Favorite headcanon: Should Astral become human or just be able to live on Earth (away from his planet that used him and also away from toxic amounts of chaos energy that wE KNOW GENUINELY HURTS HIM TO THE POINT OF PASSING OUT?? MAYBE HE SHOULDN’T BE AROUND THAT??) I genuinely believe he’d make an amazing dueling teacher 

He already taught Yuma how to duel and it’s something he’s good at and still likes. I can picture him getting tons of students and, more than half of them are there because they have a lil crush on him. 

I’d be his student lmao