#when you do an FTM transition so hard and so well that people think you’re cis

[amurder-ofcrows]

i’m stealth in college so no one besides the accessibility office knows i’m a trans man, like the beard and buzzcut and voice and the other ways my body has been changed by 5 years on T and top surgery make people just think that i’m a “cis” man, and i’m friends with these two girls in my quantitative reasoning class and i complimented one of their outfits and made a joke about how i would probably wear it if i didn’t wanna deal with people’s bullshit and she goes “oh you know it’s okay for guys to explore their gender? you don’t have to fit into a mold society put you in based on being born male” and i’m like thanks for the sentiment and i do need to remember this as a trans man who is still exploring his fashion sense, but trust me when i say I KNOW so like ill just be over here internally screaming (but hey at least i know she’s cool about it if i did come out)

[yandere-kokeshi]

Yandere TF-141 with a Transgender Darling (ftm)

Warnings: yandere behavior, (to other people, not you!), talks about gender dysphoria; medical procedures; needles and self injection; slight violence.

A/N: my friend recently came out to me (so proud of him!) And asked me to write this for him; which, of course, I did :]!

Alex, if you are reading this, I'm so proud of you and happy you felt comfortable enough to come out to me. You are so amazing (and the other people reading this!!! <33)

Simon “Ghost” Riley:

Doesn’t have a problem with it — when you come out, he looks at you before nodding, briefly raising his eyebrows in understatement before asking if that’s all.

“He/him fits you better. It's more you. If you think I’d hate you, you’re wrong.”

Of course, he will go through the basics with you: asking what your preferred pronouns and name are, as well as nicknames and comfort wise with name-calling in the bedroom. He wants to know everything as he doesn’t want to offend or upset you in any way.

Nevertheless, Simon is incredibly supportive; telling you that he’s proud of you and happy that you felt comfortable telling him. Nothing changes between you two — the relationship is the same, possibly stronger than it was before.

If you decide to go with medical transition, he will be there, supporting you with all his love and taking time off work or on his rare days off to head to your appointments with you.

HRT? He’ll research and tell you things, making appointments with the best doctor’s offices to call. He’ll be there with every single appointment, nodding and asking questions when he sees a chance to ask. If you are scared to do your injections, he will offer to do it, making sure to give you a cookie/or favorite snack of yours afterward.

Top surgery? Simon will make sure to arrive before the surgery, rubbing your back as you get escorted to the medical room; promising he’ll be there when you wake up. When it’s time for you to come home, he’s making sure to hand-feed you, and help you to the bathroom; reminding you every day that you’re incredibly handsome.

A man who will 100% let you borrow his clothes (not like he did that before!). It’s probably not surprising that his clothes are huge on you, with this said, Ghost will always reach over and pull you into his hoodies; specifically one that has a skull. He doesn’t mind one bit and enjoys seeing you wearing them.

When the days are hard when Dysphoria is being a bitch, Ghost will be there comforting you, reminding you that even how hard the day is — you’re still his man and fiancé; you are incredibly attractive and good-looking, even if you don’t see it.

While Ghost tries not to get into a conflict outside of work, the minute he sees/or hears someone making you feel uncomfortable or upset, he’s not afraid to throw hands or slurs at the douchebag. Especially if they are saying things to you.

With his big frame and thick accent, it’s a high chance the person will get scared shitless and run away.

Captain “Price” John:

With him being a bit older than the others (aged 37 to early 40s), he’s not very aware of the gay/or open community. Sure, he’s been around it and knows enough but he doesn’t have as much knowledge about it as you possibly do. That being said, he will ask questions or make a face when you confess to him; slightly confused about the whole deal.

While he’s confused, with the help of the internet and your explanation, Price will immediately catch on board and agree to your terms. Asking what name you’d like to go by and how he can do certain things without offending you.

“Proud of ya’ for finding your true self. I love you, ‘kay? Nothin’ ain't stopping that.”

Regardless, Price is extremely happy and proud of you; with you being his beloved husband, he wants you to be as comfortable and happy as possible.

If and when you want medical transition, Price will appear at every appointment, rubbing your hands and back if he senses you’re nervous, and always supports you with whatever decision you want. He will ask the doctor multiple questions, wanting to know everything and how he can help you.

When you want top surgery, Price will make sure to be there when it happens and comforts you with the pain and anxiety. He will help you get dressed and bathe you without hurting yourself; spoon-feeding you on the days when it’s extremely hard.

Want HRT? He’ll be there, ordering your testosterone and helping you with a well-scheduled time; talking with your doctor about any and all questions/or needs. If you are scared of needles, he will help you with your self-injection, distracting you as he does so; kissing your forehead, and praising you as he gets finished.

Is someone being an ass to you? Price has it covered with his tall and intimidating structure. He’s not afraid to get into their space, using this opportunity with his Captain’s voice and making sure they shake in their boots for being pieces of shit.

Gender dysphoria, needing reassurance, and doubting yourself are a hot piece of garbage. If a certain day is hard, Price is right behind you, rubbing your back as he tells you how manly and handsome you are — how nothing could and never will change his thought with that of you. While these thoughts can be hard to get out of, he wants you to know that he’s there to comfort you; whatever you request, no matter how big or small, he’ll make sure to deliver it with that sly smirk of his.

His clothes are incredibly comfy and he doesn’t mind one bit about you stealing them. Price loves seeing you in his hoodies or long sleeve shirts; it makes him smile big.

He may steal yours as well, possibly some of the ‘weird’ and ‘embarrassing’ worded ones. Nevertheless, Price adores seeing how baggy and comfortable they are for you.

Johnny “Soap” MacTavish:

He smiles real big, before hugging you and congratulating you on finding out who you are. Not only is he quickly accepting, but he wants to know if he can change anything to fit your comfort zone (I.e the compliments he gives out).

“Proud of you! Glad you could tell me. Anyone who gives you shite will have to deal with me, alrighty? I love ya so much.”

Soap will ask you questions about what name you’d prefer to go by and pronouns. He’s quick to change — which includes correcting people.

While he’s kind and open, the minute someone disrespects you is the time he gets big time serious and angry; his accent comes out harsher and he curses them out. If they decide to stand up to him, he may or may not get into a flight; forcing you to pull him away before broken bones and blood spews out. However, Johnny will make sure to get you ice cream afterward.

Much like the two above, if you decide to go with medical procedures, Soap will make sure to be sitting beside you, making jokes and throwing flirtatious comments to ease your anxiety; rubbing your thighs while reminding you that he's happy for you.

HRT? Soap will make sure to appear at the appointments, reviewing the diagnosis they may give and ask questions when needed, and help with your self-injections; buying your favorite takeout when you get done each time.

Top surgery or binders? He’ll make sure to help you rewrap the bandages, wash your hair, and cook for you. If and when you wear binders, he has a strict schedule he expects you to follow — going as far as to tickle you in punishment. He’ll help do stretches with you, kissing your face when done.

Soap is excellent at distracting you when your mind is in the deep mind. He’ll offer to go to the aquarium, go take a walk and grab an ice cream cone or get your favorite food and eat it in the park, watching the night stars.

When Dysphoria is being unfair and getting up your ass, Johnny is reassuring and making you comfortable — with consent, he kisses the areas he loves about you and compliments you; talking about how handsome you are and the world’s best fiancé he could ever ask for. No matter what people say, you are incredibly manly.

Kyle “Gaz” Garrick:

When revealing to him, he doesn’t think differently of you — rather nodding, smiling at you before asking questions (I.e your preferred pronouns and name). He’s calmer about it, but never less, Gaz is super supportive and understanding.

“I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me, that must’ve been hard. Have you told your friends (and/or family)? You do know that I still love you, right?”

While the others will research to a point, Gaz on the other hand, researches like a worried mother; going as far as to find someone he may know/or influencers online to ask or watch some of their videos to get answers he didn’t get online.

If and when you want medical surgery, Gaz will make sure to appear to be at every appointment; asking questions amongst questions, stopping once he sees you getting uncomfortable from how long the visit has become.

Want HRT? Gaz will 100% step up to do your injections, especially if you are scared of needles or pain; asking simple questions to make your mind look away from the injection.

Top surgery? Whenever you want it, he’ll make sure to comfort you when the time to have the surgery is due, promising that he will make your favorites. He’ll be there, massaging your body when the pain is too much and spoon-feeding you if needed.

Not one for violence but if someone dares to say something, Kyle will get angry and may or may not cuss them out. If they continue rambling on, he’ll tell them to fuck off before bringing you to a comfort zone of yours, buying your favorite snacks and drinks.

Gaz is good at reassuring and comforting you when your dysphoria is a bully. If you let him, he will touch and kiss you, roaming his hands all over you and whispering how much of a man you are and how much he loves you.

—

Masterlist || Please reblog or comment instead of liking, it helps me a bunch!

© yandere-kokeshi 2023 — Do not copy, modify, edit, repost, or use my works for ASMR readings, tiktoks, or other content.

[francis-writes]

I know you’re busy, so please ignore my ask until you’re free and you feel like answering, take all the time you need

The ask: headcanons for all the Disney villains you write for with an FTM s/o please

Disney villains with transmasc!reader

Jafar Very chill about that, accepts you instantly. Moreover he's a powerful sorcerer and I think he can easily change your body as you please, so you don't need to worry about transition. If anybody dares to misgender you, Jafar will lock them in the dungeons or maybe curse them.

Judge Claude Frollo It's gonna take some hard time to get used to your identity. He's very conservative and homophobic so at the beggining he sees it as a sin. He loves you nonetheless, so after some time of being together he may try to use your name and pronouns, seeing how happy it makes you. The only problem is, he may ask you to present more feminine when you are out in public. He's a high ranking official and he's afraid that people would think about him as a sodomite. (just two guys in one cathedral praying five feet apart bc they are not gay)

Hades He's a god, okay? Gender for gods is something completely different than for humans. They are immortal, they are more spiritual beings and most of them are shapeshifters. So they don't make much fuss about gender. I suppose it's like hair color for them. Or idk favourite restaurant. I lack the words, I am not a god after all. In the summary: if you didn't tell him, he wouldn't probably even notice that you're trans but Hades is fully supportive. As with other magic users, he can also change your shape as you please.

Dr Facilier I can't explain this but I feel that even though he lives in the 20s, Dr Facilier is pretty familiar with whole LGBT community and he is really supportive toward them. He sees a fellow outcasts in them, often living in margins of society. He can curse some transphobes also

Gaston Where do I start with him Gaston is usually problematic but you can't deny, he wishes you well He's usually old-fashioned but you're special for him and he supports you fully The only thing that may annoy you... he thinks of himself as perfect man, master of masculinity, and without any word from you, he decided to be your teacher and mentor. He's gonna show you how to be (the second) best man in France.

[oceanlue]

I don’t know if you’re still writing but if you areeee..

I’ve been hyperfixating on Auron for the past two hours and if you’re open to it, would you write him/really any Yuurivoice guy with a transmasc listener?

[Ftm] .....⚠️angst

(I'm sorry this is late things have been going on)

They don't know that I love u❤💗

Today started out great everything was going well as planned until after lunch. At lunch time you were in aurons office having a peaceful conversation and enjoying lunch too maybe feeding him a couple of things of your lunch all in all you're enjoying the peaceful lunch and you thought today couldn't get any better......it didn't.

After lunch you went back to work doing the papers and whatever you do in legal but as you were going to the copy machine to print out some papers Brittany (Sorry to all the Brittany's out there) had to come along and ruin your day she was known as the Barbie of the office always wearing some kind of pink item, blonde hair, blue eyes and she was a snob. She thought that everone should agree with her. After the counter with her you felt so bad about yourself for the entire day.

Auron told you to go home early cuz you finished all your work you did without complained and he saw you down usually you were happy but I guess something went wrong he thought to himself.

You went to his penthouse cuz his scent calms you down you were standing in the mirror and unable to look at yourself so much happened in your life and you loved the way you are. you went through the transitions the heartaches even coming out to your family it was hard because you were scared but now that someone mentioned it everything shattered one common was all it took for you to break down and cry.

After he was done he packed up things texted you that he will be on his way and when he opened the door it was quiet too quiet. So auron looked around the house and found you in the bathroom crying so he knocked on the door

Auron: *knocks* rook you ok in there....

Y/n: *sniff* no .....

Auron: rook I'm coming in *opens the door*

He came in and saw you on the floor thankfully you didn't harm yourself but he did sit down with you.

He didn't push you to tell him what was wrong he just held you and tried to calm you down the best you can and when you finally did he finally asked you

Auron: rook what happened

Y/n: ....it was after lunch

*flash back*

Brittany: honestly I can't believe to see all of this company that people like you be here

Y/n: what's wrong with me?

Brittany: everything is I mean just look at you I can tell that you were born a girl but you just changed up your whole get up just to look like a man honestly that's sickening why can't you just be a girl and wear girl things instead of just proving to people that you're different

Y/n: just because you think you see me as a girl doesn't make me one I choose who I want to be and who I feel is myself

Brittany: well I don't care if you're trying to be yourself but this whole transition thing that you're going through has to stop I mean really no one would want to make deals with the the company when we have people like you I mean just look at you.

Y/n: ......

Brittany: I mean especially you should watch what you eat too especially with your size well anyway I have to go I have more important things to do then talk to people like you

*flash back over*

Y/n: and thats what happen

Auron just stared at work not knowing what to say so instead he brought them in for a hug holding them close and not letting them go.

Auron: "rook I want you to listen to me, I don't care what gender you are I don't care how you dress or what your weight is I don't care if someone thinks they're better than you they're not worth their time I love you and I know I barely say it but I do I don't care if you're a boy or a girl or even if you're a worm I would love you whether or not you're even human if you are worm I would love you the same I love you Just the Way You Are and I always will."

And you did cry in his arms...protecting you from the world knowing that he loves you whether or not you are a girl or a boy or even a worm he will love you and he would not stop because he made his choice and that choice was you and it will always be you he will support you no matter what and you the same to him

He loves you Who You Are

-------------

Sorry this took so long things have been busy in life but I managed to do this

Please do not take this story literally I was trying to think of a best possible way to write this I support any kind of Pride and transmasc.

Hope you like this

Peace out

💙💙💙

[woodsywizard]

This is very out of the blue but I could use some advice if you’re willing ofc. No pressure.

I’ve been out as trans (Ftm) for about 6 years and I’ve only dated my ex. She was fully supportive and hardly cared about the trans aspect of who I am. I say that because we’ve been separated for about a year now and I’m really wanting to get back into the dating aspect of my life. But. I am quickly finding out that’s it’s extremely difficult in general but adding the trans layer on top makes it even harder. Ive been all over the internet trying to sooth my worries about all of it but it’s really just made me worry more lol. I am just spiraling a little bit. I’m in college so that’s like prime time dating but I’m just. Like really overwhelmed atm. Any tips that you have?

Personally I think this is hard for me to answer because I’ve never really had a period of life where I was like, actively searching for someone to date. I’ve been in two relationships, one with another trans guy when I wasn’t aware of my own transness, and another I’m currently in with a cis woman who’s been there like, throughout my entire transition and knew me way before I even knew I was trans as well. I’ve legitimately never been on the dating scene Bc those were very consecutive 😭😭😭

That being said I totally think being trans can add another difficulty to trying to date people. Definitely be open about the fact you’re trans if you feel safe enough to do so, because it helps with the weird accusations you get otherwise 😭😭😭. I’ve had issues making friends actually due to being so visibly trans it repels so many cis people just bc they’re terrified of misgendering me and then avoid me because of this. I had one random group actively accuse me of hiding being trans when I just didn’t mention it for a while. It was weird as fuck. Cis people are weird.

This is gonna sound like inexperienced advice because it is, but I suggest like. Trying to make enough friends that you can best friend your way into romance with someone. Does that even make sense? I don’t know. I ended up dating my best friend and we’re still together quite happily on year three. Maybe that’s just the only route I know. But also making more friends is literally always fun and good and honestly the best use of college.

I think the best thing I can give about the situation is literally just. College isn’t the end all of dating for trans people. You don’t HAVE to get it all in now. When it’s over you’ll continue to be able to. Being trans means we tend to do all the steps way slower than other people as we finally gEt to do the steps at last once we’re out the house, so like, for me personally it’s been a lot of reconciling my pacing can’t be as fast as I want it to be. Being trans also won’t bar you from dating. It just means you’ll have to suffer a bit more during the process, Y’know? Even so I get it like definitely go for it and do some stupid shit.

Honestly this is probably my worst advice I’ve given so feel free to ignore it NDJSJJD. I don’t know. I’m just some guy. But I love the sound of my own… text? So yeah, good luck out there buddy. I believe in you.

[statticscribbles]

Freak

Summary: Eddie Munson x ftm reader for the prompt of reader tries to buy weed off Eddie and Eddie can tell he is having a hard time and reader opens up about his abusive parent

”You just say the word and I walk away..” Eddie tries to smile, he knows Y/N shouldn’t be this nervous over a simple drug deal; no one would be surprised about him getting them. He won’t dig, he won’t pester him to find out what’s going on but he still reaches out for him; hand shaking and he doesn’t pull away, slowly leaning forward letting him spill everything that the drugs would have suppressed.

It’s not his problem that Y/N's parents use the wrong; the wrong pronouns; that he uses the weed to lessen the sting;but he still wants to help. It’s how he justifies the discount; but he knows he can’t justify inviting you back to his place; not when he’s shown you he clearly has the drugs in his lunchbox.

“So how does this work?” Eddie blinks at you; never in his life has he been happier to show someone how to roll.

You can see Eddie hesitating and you frown; worried that helping use the drugs is a step too far; instead he puts that soft smile back on that makes your heart flutter.

“Well it’ll be easier to show you at my place; I have everything there..”

“You’ve done this before right?” Eddie doesn’t sound annoyed; despite you asking him to explain everything again; you shake your head worried this’ll annoy him and he’ll kick you out. His place was comforting in a way you weren’t sure you could describe yet.

“Alright so the basic first step is…” 

You’re not really sure if you’re going to remember any of it; after finishing rolling; you had to restart twice. You’d smoked with him; it just made sense he’d half explained; already offering you the lighter. That way if anything bad happened he knew what to do and there was no risk of your parents getting pissed.

“What?” He comments when you laugh at that.

“My parents wouldn’t care about this.”

“Really? Their son using drugs? Seems like something a lot of parents would care about.”

“Nah; my mom’s more interested in who I used to be; anything to do with me before I came to high school and that exposed me to ‘all sorts of horrors and freaks’ her words not mine.” You laugh a little and Eddie grins.

“Mhm; well she got the whole freak thing down pat; I mean I don’t think you can get any freakier than me; the dungeon master of the hellfire club. Ya know?”

“Mhm; I’m pretty sure she’s convinced I’m the spawn of hell since all of this started.” You gesture down to your body and Eddie tilts his head, biting his lip a little to avoid blurting something out.

“Since I started transitioning; and wearing this style of clothing…”

“That’s just basically what I wear..”

“Yeah; guys clothing.”

“You’re a guy..”

“My mom doesn’t think so.”

“Well fuck her then; or don’t I’m not in to MILF’s Steve’s uh friend Billy was; you remember him right? Died in that fire…”

“Oh yeah; wait you’re friends with Steve?”

“Friends with everyone; perks of giving them grass.”

“Didn’t realize you were Hawkin’s high’s gardener as well.”

“Mhm; someone has to know how to grow things when the world ends.” He laughs again and you can pretend that the excitement you’re feeling isn’t because Eddie seems to have accepted your transition without so much as a stumble.

“So Billy.” You prompt again and he laughs.

“Mhm dude was crazy into mom’s. Think it’s cause his own fucked him up or something; never talked about it much. Just came by to unwind.”

“Doesn’t everyone come by your place to unwind?” You try to keep the hurt out of your voice; Eddie isn’t even your friend; you shouldn’t feel possessive over him.

“Don’t usually invite people back here.”

“Unless it’s they’re first time..” You counter and he shrugs.

“Nah; just people I’m interested in.”

“Interested?” You arch and eyebrow and Eddie smiles nodding.

“Mhm; I’m always interested in new freaks; especially ones that get branded that by their own parents.”

Support My Writing?

[ftm-radio]

how do you know for sure that you’re trans?

i’m struggling so much, my biggest fear is being wrong… and i know i’m only eighteen and i’ve got a lot of time to figure things out, but without other trans people to talk to shit gets hard!

oh, this is a tough question. dunno if I can answer it well, but I'll give it a go.

that fear of "what if I'm wrong?" is so daunting. I know i've had that fear. hell, I'm way more secure in my transness now, but that specific anxiety still wakes up to whisper in my ear now and again.

before i say anything else, I want to put forth a snippet from an @/uncanny-tranny post: "Being trans is an identity, not a diagnosis. There is no slip of paper that can tell you if you're "trans enough" or even if you are or aren't trans." [ full post here ]

At first glance that's just.. massively unhelpful, yeah? Being told that no one can tell you if you're trans is frustrating as all hell when that's exactly what you're trying to figure out. But when you can get past the anxiety and the desperate 'please just give me a straight answer so I can KNOW' feelings that so many of us have probably experienced, you can get this kind of.. freedom and relief.

You are the only person in the world who can answer the question of your transness. That means no one can take it away from you (or force it upon you) and you don't have to fit any stereotypes to really, really be trans. If you say you're trans, you're trans, and that's that until/unless you say otherwise.

Now, back to your original question. How do you know for sure that you're trans? How do you figure it out?

in classic ftm-radio fashion, I will be putting the rest of this under a cut because I don't know how to say things with less words!! but i do try to spare you from that when you're just tryna scroll by, lol

I feel like I say this a lot, but I genuinely mean it: write about it. grab your notebook, journal, diary, loose-leaf paper, digital document, notes app, whatever, and write. have a private little conversation with yourself, and ask yourself questions. Even—no, especially—the questions you might want to avoid. Confront them, don't bury them, because then they'll just grow and make more trouble for you later on.

Try to take your time with this. You don't have to do all of this in one go, you can break it up in chunks if you want. The most important thing is to be honest with yourself. This exercise is just for you, no one else, so whatever you write will not be judged and you don't have to be scared or ashamed of what you feel or whatever conclusions you may come to.

I actually did this journaling exercise myself yesterday! when that anxiety I mentioned before was causing a bit of a ruckus in my brain, this introspection really helped me out. I can tell you some of the questions I asked myself, but you're in no way obligated to use these specific questions and you're free to come up with your own. the goal is to understand how/what you're feeling, so any question that can help answer that is worth asking.

Alright. All that being said, here are some of the questions that I used to explore my gender feelings:

Why did I start questioning my gender in the first place? / What is it that made me think I could be trans?

hey, there had to be something to get this all going. whatever it is, it could be really helpful to go back and reflect on it.

Am I happy with how socially transitioning has changed my life? / Do I want to try socially transitioning?

if the first version of the question applies to you, it could be a good way to check in with yourself and see how you're feeling in the middle of a transition. if you aren't at that point yet, do you want to be? does the idea of socially transitioning appeal to you?

Do I want to medically transition/do HRT? Why?

not every trans person wants/is able to medically transition! saying yes or no doesn't immediately determine if you are cis or trans!

What changes would I want from HRT?

is there one specific change you want? do you want all the possible changes? why do you want them? is hrt the only way to get them?

Are there things HRT would do that I don't want?

you can't really cherry-pick what hormone therapy does or doesn't do for you. there could be some things that dont sound like something you want. maybe it's just a couple things, maybe it's a pretty long list.

Is my desire to transition rooted in internalized fatphobia and/or other body image issues?

I definitely don't think it's *wrong* to want to change your appearance for any reason, but before committing to more permanent changes it could be worthwhile (and possibly healthier for you) to examine why you want to change things about yourself.

Is my desire to transition fueled by internalized misogyny and/or similar biases regarding gender?

i think this is a similar question to the last one in terms of being tough to answer, because it might be something you don't want to admit to yourself, let alone other people. (which is why I will say again that these questions/answers are for you and you don't have to share them with other people!) confronting the flawed parts of yourself is hard, but just having those flaws doesnt make you a bad, irredeemable person. you might have some things you need to work on, and if you can acknowledge that, you can take steps to learn and grow.

Do I (or other people/our society) have biases about [gender] that make me scared to/not want to present/live/come out as that gender?

Sorry if this is phrased kind of weirdly, this is a question i thought of while typing all this. Speaking from my own experiences, I've had some times where the whole "men suck, all men are bad" mentality has caused me to feel some level of guilt or shame for being a trans man, and I'm sure I'm not alone there. this question can apply to all genders in any direction, and it doesn't have to be extreme. like it could be as simple as (for example) "I don't want to be a man because then I'll have to like sports" or "I don't want to be androgynous so im not really nonbinary" or whatever.

Are there aspects of being a trans person that concern/scare me? / Could I be using denial to protect myself from the downsides of being transgender?

being trans can be difficult! it can lead to a lot of changes, and change can be scary. depending on where you are and the people in your community, it can also be dangerous. it's unfair and sucky and i hate that it's true, but it is, and it's something that has to be acknowledged and considered.

ooookay! that's kind of a lot, and there could be many other questions worth exploring, but I think this is plenty to start with. I have been staring at my phone off and on for....... too many hours today so I'm gonna try and finish up soon. But!!!! before I go there is one last thing I want to say.

To the anon who sent this ask, and everyone else (including myself!) who ever feels scared that they may be wrong about being trans, and especially to people who do find that they aren't trans after all: It's okay if we're wrong.

It is okay if we are wrong.

It's okay! Being unsure and making a mistake is pretty dang normal! We are all complex beings capable of growth and change, and our understandings of identity and who we are can change too. And that's not a bad thing! Thinking you are trans and later realizing that you are not doesn't make you a bad person any more than thinking you're cis and then realizing you're actually trans does. Simply exploring your identity doesn't harm anyone, and we need to give everyone that room to explore and mess around without the terror of being wrong.

okay, gonna say goodbye for real now. anon, sorry for the wait & I hope this can help you! everybody else who got to this point, I hope you could also get something good out of this. 💛

if anybody wants to share some thoughts/opinions on anything ive written here, you're welcome to as long as you aren't an ass about it. no hate or gatekeeping or anything of the sort, please. ✌🏻

[fly-flower-fanfics]

I liked the previous one i requested so much I wanted to come to you for my new request. May i request a Spencer Reid x Male/ftm reader (your choice) where the MC has previously long hair and one day he walks to work with a buzz cut? The rest is up to you. And thank you just for reading the ask

Absolutely! I love this honestly. I’ll try and do it justice for you. 🥺👉🏼👈🏼 I’m also sorry it took so long. Things have been hectic lately... I know it’s not a super long fic, but I hope that it’s still worth the wait!

Buzz Off

Spencer Reid x Trans Male Reader

Warnings: Slight transphobia mentioned

~~~~~~~~~

I closed my eyes, inhaling deeply. Today was the day I was actually doing it. I was actually getting a hair cut. Not that it was a big deal to anyone else, but it was to me, making today a big day.

I had been out as trans for almost fifteen years now, coming out when I was sixteen years old. The team didn’t really know I was trans as I had gotten top surgery and started testosterone by then.

The only ones who knew I was trans was Spencer and Hotch. Spencer knew because I wanted to be honest about my past with him. Hotch knew because I’d had to explain some slight complications in my old information.

However, regardless of all that, I never got rid of my long, almost waist length hair.

I was always holding onto a little piece of my past. My parents had been very transphobic toward me, never allowing me to cut my hair or buy masculine clothing. I had to do everything all by myself once I had moved out. Yet I kept my long hair in an attempt to please my parents even after I changed.

It didn’t work, and they dropped all contact with me. Today, I had finally gotten up the courage to cut my hair as I had always wanted to: a buzz cut. Nothing too dramatic, but dramatic enough to match my personality. And it was long overdue for a change.

I opened my eyes, smiling a bit to myself as I got out of the car and locked it. I hadn’t yet gotten a call from Hotch saying I needed to come in, so I hoped I’d have enough time to get this hair cut.

Once I sat in the chair and the coat-like covering was draped over me, I couldn’t stop smiling. I explained to the hair dresser, Debi, exactly what I wanted, and she was obviously excited for me. That made me feel all the more excited for it myself. I had been going to her for years and for years she had been trying to get me to loosen up and cut my hair.

We had been high school friends, so she knew all about my transition and why I never had cut my hair. But now, she was super excited, hyping me up the whole time.

I kept my eyes closed most of the time, not wanting to spoil the surprise. I was hoping, praying, that it would look good on me. It was hard to focus on the doubts when Debi kept saying how handsome I looked and how Spencer was absolutely going to melt when he saw me.

Spencer and I had been dating for about a year now. He knew of my being trans and how my parents treated me. He never met them, and granted, he didn’t want to. However, he fully supported me not cutting my hair, even though he wasn’t a huge fan of why I wasn’t.

“You’re all set, hun!” Debi exclaimed, putting her razor down. She stood in front of me as I opened up my eyes. “Are you ready?!”

I nodded eagerly, and she stepped aside, allowing me to look in the large mirror in front of me. My jaw dropped as I saw my reflection.

It was perfect.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I reached up to touch the shaved spots. The short hair looked absolutely perfect on me, and I’d be lying if my self esteem didn’t skyrocket because of it.

“Thank you so much, Debi. I love it. I should’ve listened to you sooner.”

She gave me a pointed look, but couldn’t stop herself from smiling as well. “Did I not tell you so?”

At that moment, my phone went off. I checked it, seeing as it was for work. “You did, Debi. But duty calls. Let me pay you so I can get outta here.”

Within three minutes, I was back on the road. I was smiling the whole time I drove. Part of me felt a little guilty for being so giddy since there had been a murder, but I eased my conscience by reminding myself I was giddy over my own personal experiences and the team seeing me, not the murder itself. I only wanted to see the team’s reactions.

I walked into the bullpen, my eyes darting around wildly as I tried to avoid eye contact with everyone. Suddenly, I felt very, very shy, and I was overly aware of the cool air on the back of my neck. Has it always been this cold in here?

“Oh. My. Goodness.” Garcia was the first to notice me. She rushed up to me, a bright smile on her face. “Oh! Look at you!”

Her excited exclamations tugged over JJ and Emily’s attention. Both of them smiled at me.

“Hey, lookin’ good, Y/N,” JJ said. “Suits you.”

“I like it. Different than what I’m used to seeing you with, but it looks really good on you,” Emily said, nodding in approval.

“Thanks, guys,” I replied with a light blush dusting my cheeks.

Derek was the next to come in and notice me. “Hey, hey, hey! Look at you! Gettin’ all snazzy with a new hairdo. New you; I’m digging it.”

I laughed and nudged him with my shoulder as he reached out to fluff what was left of my hair. “Thanks, Derek.”

Hotch came in, took a glance at me, and gave me a small smile and nod. “Ready for work?” It wasn’t much of a reaction, but after working with Hotch for this long, I knew that was his approval. He was proud of me.

All of us got up to go to the conference room when a soft gasp took my attentions way from Hotch and the others.

Spencer was standing behind me, his lips parted in a slight shock. It then turned into a large smile as he walked up to me and took my hands in his.

“You did it,” he mumbled softly, bringing a hand up to my cheek.

“Yeah,” I breathed out softly. “It was time. Long overdue, if I’m being honest.”

He ran his hand up the side of my face, rubbing it over my head. His smile widened, if that was even possible. “God, you look so good.”

My cheeks darkened with a blush. “Yeah. I think I’ll miss the man bun, though. Maybe at a later date, I’ll get it back. But for now? For me? Yeah... I do look good.”

Spencer pulled me into a tight hug, placing a kiss on the top of my head. “I’m so proud of you, Y/N. So proud,” he whispered.

Tears pricked my eyes. It was so satisfying and freeing to let that last but of past me go. To let it disappear forever. To finally be me. I clutched his shirt tightly, reveling in his soft praises.

“Thank you, Spence.”

A throat cleared, and the two of us separated, seeing Hotch standing outside the door of the conference room. He gestured to the file in his hand with his eyes.

“I am very glad you guys had this moment together. It’s a good move for you, too, Y/N. But evil does not wait for a haircut. Please, both of you, join us.”

My entire face heated, and I nodded quickly. “O-of course. Sorry, sir.”

Hotch gave me a small smile before disappearing back into the room.

I took Spencer’s hand. “I guess we better get in there; he is right.”

Spencer gave my hand a small squeeze and pressed another kiss onto my forehead. “He is. Maybe we can celebrate later tonight after the case.”

I laughed a little bit as we walked to the room. “Don’t have so much hope for the ease of this case. You should know better, Spence! You of all people.”

He let out a light laugh. “Perhaps. I’m just really happy for you.”

I took a seat beside him around the table as Penelope began to show the pictures and explained what we knew about the case.

I was happy for me, too.

[takamishinko]

karasuno and nekoma scenario + headcanons for ftm reader

pronouns: he/him

warnings: dead naming, slight harassment and tranphobic comments like using the wrong pronouns.

a/n: this was a request from @mi-ts i hope you enjoy this and this is what you're looking for :) i added in some headcanons of my own as well. pls tell me if i said anything offensive in there by accident, i was also super tired when i wrote this so pls excuse me for any mistakes :'D

karasuno:

i feel like the entire team is pretty supportive and definitely not transphobic

the only person that i could possibly think of that doesn't understand transitioning would be tanaka but even then he'll still support you in whatever decision you make

let's start off with the first years

hinata and kageyama definitely uses correct pronouns though i feel like kageyama might forget sometimes but he'll just use they instead

tsuki doesn't care much and i don't think he cares a lot about anything other than maybe yamaguchi

yamaguchi would be really sweet about it, correct pronouns 100%, no mistakes or mess ups. he'll probably pay more attention to you and help you with whatever you need

kinoshita and narita are both super supportive people so they wouldn't care that much but they would definitely use right pronouns and all that

ennoshita is kind of the leader of the group right? i feel like he would advocate your pronouns only if ur comfortable with it though

alright third years

suga.

supportive supportive supportive super supportive

makes sure your absolutely 120% comfortable with your surroundings and if there are people bothering you he's not scared to get asahi and daichi to square up with them

daichi is pretty lowk about it. respectful of course. always tries to help you with suga but doesn't end up helping a lot but that's ok

lastly asahi would be…

pretty nervous about making sure he doesn't use the wrong pronouns or make you uncomfortable

like overly cautious but you find it funny and adorable

__________

"yo y/n! what took you so long? practice started 10min ago." tanaka shouted from across the gym.

"sorry…i got caught up with something." you replied with a sad tone in your voice.

the team immediately noticed something wrong. you were usually a pretty cheerful person and sulking like that didn't seem right to them. 

"woah woah, you good man?" noya said while tapping you shoulder.

"yah i'm fine guys, thanks." you lied.

"even a dumbass like hinata and king over there would know you're not fine, what's wrong." said tsuki.

"hey we heard that! but seriously y/n-kun, is everything ok?" hinata said while walking over with kageyama. 

"it's nothing much really… some second years called me uhh… "baby girl" today and asked me if i had anything to do after school. they wouldn't let me go either even after i told them i had somewhere else to be…. and the fact that i'm not a girl anymore." 

"they fucking what now?" suga said with an incredibly hostile smile on his face. 

"do you know their names?" daichi asked.

"yah its f/n l/n and f/n and l/n…" 

"those two sons of bitches??" tanaka and noya screamed in unison. 

"yah do you guys know them or something?" 

"they're in the class beside ours, we don't know much about them except that they're annoying as fuck. they've been making girls uncomfortable all year long." noya replied.

"oh… they must've thought i was a girl since i didn't wear a… y'know." 

"that's still no reason to do that to you y/n. first of all you weren't comfortable with them flirting with you, second of all you also told them that you're a guy and they still called you that." asahi said 

"yah that's true." daichi said with the rest of the team nodding their heads in agreement.

"don't worry y/n, we all know it's not your fault the binders don't work. no matter what you wear or how you look, the team will always see you as who you want to be!" suga said with a bright smile on his face this time.

a smile appeared on your face with warm thoughts entering your mind. knowing you have friends that care about you this much is truly a blessing you don't want to lose. 

"on a side note, suga and i know those 2 as well. in fact we know their homeroom teacher too, i'll go report to their teacher tomorrow. he loved suga and i, we were his best students." 

a small giggle came out of you and so did some happy tears. 

"thanks guys! it really means a lot." you said to all of your friends.

the rest of the practice was filled with joy and laughter. a few days later you received a handwritten apology from the two assholes you were talking about.

__________

nekoma:

same as karasuno i'm almost 100% sure none of them are transphobic and they would all be supportive. same case of tanaka with yamamoto though if anything

after you came out kuroo just gave you his signature smirk and a big thumbs up and continued to do his chemistry.

kai.

omg don't even get me started

he is SO supportive and just the nicest person possible

he's not aggressively supportive like suga but he's literally just always there for you. before you even realize you need something he already has it.

water, food, whatever it is.

yaku (personal nekoma fav), super chill about it

"oh cool, just let me go tell lev so he doesn't mess up your pronouns."

"lev for the last fucking time it's y/n and he/him it's not that hard to remember."

bonks lev everytime he messes up but he eventually got it

fukunaga just goes: 

":3 👍" 

so precious, never messes up your pronouns and names

kenma definitely doesn't mess up, remembers it well and i think he would just be like:

"cool, make sure you let the team know. especially lev…"

yamamoto would maybe mess up but he's trying his best

inuoka and shibayama:

i love these 2 so much btw^

inuoka would be excited cuz this is the first time someone ever came out as trans to them.

shibayama is just beside inuoka also being excited and nodding his head agreeing with everything he says

in conclusion these 2 are baby

__________

"hey guys what's up!" 

"ah y/ns here." kai said with s bright smile on his face, greeting you to practice.

"yo! what's up we're just getting started can you help me set up the net?" yaku said while waving over to you.

"yah i'm on my way give me a sec." 

"kenma go help yaku-san get off your game." kuroo said while poking at kenma.

"give me a sec. I'm almost finished." 

inuoka and shibayama were on the side listening to yamamoto talk about something. you and shōhei rushed over to help yaku with the net. 

"there, all done. thanks guys. kuroo let's start practice." yaku yelled

"yah everyone get ready-" 

just as kuroo said that, two boys entered the gym. they didn't look like they were up to anything good so kuroo stepped up and asked them what they're here for. 

"how can i help you two?" 

"we're just here to find d/n, oh there she is. hey~ you haven't answered our question yet, you free this weekend sweetheart?" one of the boys said as he attempted to move closer to you.

kuroo lost his shit immediately and pushed them away from you. 

"first of all his name is y/n, second of all it's he. lastly if you don't have anything else to say, please leave, our practice is about to start." 

"chill captain~ we just wanted to talk to this beautiful lady over here." 

"for the last fucking time you bastards it's-" yaku cut off kuroo before he could finish.

"leave it to me. you, tall one on the left, f/n l/n from c/n right?" yaku asked.

“y-yah why?” 

“your chemistry mark, 53% and you didn’t pass the test you took on thursday.”

“w-what ??! i don’t even know my mark yet how do you-”

“and you, the stick on the right, f/n l/n. you’re even worse, 49% as your total and your test? i’d embarrassed for you.”

“what the fuck?? w-who are you?!”

“yaku morisuke, 3rd year. the assistant for your chemistry teacher. now if you don’t want your marks leaked to the entire school i suggest you leave y/n here alone and get out.”

“tch yeah whatever !” the 2 boys said as they scurried away. 

“yaku-san!! that was so cool!!” everyone said.

“don’t worry about it! it’s what y/n deserves” he said with a huge thumbs up.

[belphies-cuhm-sluht]

Hihi, hope you are having a great day :). I was wondering if you could write something where MC is trans ftm and comes out to the brothers. I came out to my family, but I think some comfort would be very well appreciated. Could be platonic or romantic, whatever you feel :). Sorry if my English is rough.

MC Coming Out As FtM To The Brothers (Headcanons)

First of all, I just wanted to say that I am so proud of you anon <3 (Also, your English is perfect, definitely better than mine on most nights that I’m writing)

Lucifer

He may seem busy a lot of the time, but he will always make time for you, especially if it’s something that he knows is super important to you.

If you seem nervous about telling him, don’t worry, he’s got all the time in the world, and he will wait as long as it takes for you to be comfortable with telling him.

When you do tell him, he’ll feel so honored that you came to him with something so important, something that’s so personal to you.

He’s happy for you, beyond happy for you. This is such a big thing, and if you want him to, he’ll be beside you every step of the way.

Whether it’s platonically, or romantically, he’s going to support you and he’ll be there for you through everything.

Mammon

Things may need to be explained to him more than with the other brothers, but that’s only because he really wants to understand it. He wants to be able to be supportive and helpful whenever he can, so he wants to know everything.

Once he does understand it though, he is your #1 fan, he is so proud of you. He knows that this is really big, and he wants you to know that he’s got you back and he’s really excited for you.

He knows that there’s some up and down days emotionally that come along with it, and he is 100% your support demon. If you need anything, he’s there. If you just need to talk, he’ll listen. Even if you just need a hug, his arms are always open.

Whenever there’s a big milestone, he will celebrate it with you. This is a huge deal for him because he knows that it’s making you happy, and of course, your happiness is his happiness.

No matter what, you’ll always be his human, and he’ll always be there for you.

Leviathan

When you come to him with it, at first he’s shocked. Not because of what you say, just the fact that you see him as someone important enough to tell such a big thing to.

After the initial shock wears off, he’ll quietly get up and hug you. He’s very happy for you because he knows that coming out is really hard and most of the time it’s really scary.

He might not know what to say most of the time because he’s so shy, but deep down he’s so excited for you, and he’ll always be there for you.

If you’re having a not so good day, he’ll ask if you want to talk or if you just want to sit in his room with him and watch anime or play video games. He’ll do anything really because he made a mental promise to be there for you.

You’ll be his Henry forever, and he’ll always be the shy, kind of awkward demon that you can go to with anything and everything.

Satan

Much like Lucifer, he always has time for you. He’ll close his book and put it down if you need to talk to him.

When you come out to him, he might ask a few questions, mainly being if you told anyone else yet and if he’s the first one you told.

If he is the only one that you told, and you want to keep it from the other brothers a little longer, he totally respects that and he’ll keep his mouth shut. He respects you, and he knows that this is a really big deal to you, and it’s your place to tell people, not his or anyone else's.

He admires you and your strength and your courage to be able to not only come out to him, but to do this. He knows how big of a deal this is to you, and he’s invested in being there with you through it all.

He’s done a lot of research, and he’ll tell you of all the great people in history who have transitioned, and he’ll always add your name into the list because you are great and he’s going to keep reminding you of that.

Asmodeus

He is beyond proud of you, he is ecstatic and excited and he’s gonna ask if he can hug you, and if you say yes, he will hug you so tight and probably do that thing where you bounce around in circles. He’s just so happy for you.

He completely understands how hard it can be to come out, so you coming out is so admirable to him. He’s probably going to cry a little bit because this is huge and you’re comfortable enough with him to tell him and, this is just really big for him.

He is such a big supporter, he loves the fact that you’re doing this, that you’re able to be who you really are, who you know you are.

On days when you’re feeling a little down, he’ll always be there. He’s the #1 proponent of self care, so if you ever need it, he’s there. And self care doesn’t always mean face masks and massages, sometimes it’s just talking to someone who will listen and he is definitely that person.

He’s going to be there for you through the good days and the bad days, to cheer you up, to hype you up, and to keep reminding you that you’re doing this for you, and that’s the most important person to do it for. Your happiness is the most important thing, and he wants you to do what makes you happy.

Beelzebub

Kind of like Mammon where you’ll probably have to explain things to him, but for the same reason. He wants to know how he can be there for you and how he can support you.

His main concern is, of course, if it’ll make you happy. If it will, well he is 100% on board. Your happiness is very important to him, so knowing that doing this will make you happy, he is all for it.

If anyone tries to bring you down or upset you, he is not having that. He will not tolerate anyone or anything that deters you from being happy, from being yourself.

He’ll ask every day how you’re feeling, and he’ll constantly tell you how great you’re doing and how brave you are because people need to hear that, people need that motivation to keep going, they need that support system and he knows that, and he’ll gladly be that support system for you.

He’s your biggest fan. He’ll make you little cards and slip them under your door to tell you he’s proud of you because he is, he really is. You’re amazing, and he won’t let anyone tell you any different.

Belphegor

He is a great listener, and although it may seem like he’s sleeping, he’s not, he’s really not. Sometimes it’s just easier to listen with his eyes closed. (I hope that makes sense, I always listen to people better with my eyes shut because I can’t accidentally focus on other things… that makes sense right?) I promise, he’s listening.

He’s so happy that he’s the one that you came to, that you trust him with something that’s so important to you. He understands how crappy some humans can be about these things, and he wants you to know that he’s not like that, and that what really matters to him is that you’re happy, and you can be yourself.

The attic is always open for you to come up and talk to him, and he’ll sit up and talk for hours with you if that’s what you want to do. Whatever it is that you want to talk about, he’s there to talk with you.

If there’s days where you’d rather be alone, because he understands, he has those days too, but you still need some type of comfort, he’ll let you have his cow pillow so it’s like he’s there but you can still be alone like you want to be.

He’s more of a quiet supporter, but that doesn’t mean that he’s any less excited for you. Sometimes he’ll hide little notes under your pillow or on your nightstand or your desk for you to wake up to, little words of encouragement to show you that he’s there for you and that he’s proud of you.

[beelspillowpet]

If your requests are open and your willing to, would you be able to do the brothers reacting to a trans MC? 👉🏻👈🏻 preferably female to male, but either way is fine! Sorry if your not comfy with this type of request >~<

Anon, just because you were afraid that I would turn down your request, I am going to PROVE to you how much it doesn’t bother me I'm going to do the 7 brothers AND the side characters. Because you BETTER BELEIVE we have a cast of supportive people!! Yessir!!!

I myself am the twin sister of my late twin brother, who was also FtM! I’ll be using his memory as inspiration, if you do not mind? Thank you for requesting this!

~

Lucifer

At first he presumed you were just not girly. He didn't really mind your behavior or way of dressing, so long as you got your tasks done on time and were on your best behavior.

When you cut your hair and stopped wearing that nail polish (despite Asmo’s pleading) he still thought nothing of it. You wore pants, and started trying your best to drop hints, and thankfully, Lucifer isn’t an idiot.

So what you’re telling me is that we’ve made you uncomfortable when referring to you as a woman? If that is the case, MC, then we would be more than happy to refer to you as anything you request. You only need to say the word.

He is dedicated to making sure you’re happy and comfortable here. He and his brothers may be demons, but they aren’t heartless. They were once angels too. He goes through the process with you, if you were shaky or unsure of what to do in the past. If you want HRT, surgery, need a new wardrobe, he and his brothers will be the first to provide. Whatever to keep you happy in your skin.

Mammon

Oh. Honestly speaking, he’ll still love you regardless of what form your body takes. He liked the way you looked, but secretly he can’t wait to see how you’ll look after you transition.

Before we even get to that point though, it takes a lot of hint dropping for him to get it. And even then, he has to go and ask the others what you’re trying to tell him. Of course he gets picked on a little bit for it, but once he figures it out he’s really happy you were comfortable enough to tell him.

Hell, he might get a job just so he can help you be able to afford all the things you’ll need to properly transition. Some of the details make him blush quite a bit, and if you’re uncomfortable with touches or any signs of affection during your process of transitioning, he will politely refrain from making his human uncomfortable.

He’s taking you to Majolish and you are going to get your ENTIRE wardrobe redone. Courtesy of The GREAT Mammon! You should feel grateful that he’s working this hard to make you happy. I mean c’mon, he LOVES you! He can’t wait to love you more after you’ve become the man you always were deep down inside.

Leviathan

He does notice that you act different from other women. Not that he minds it, not at all. His Henry is still the same old Henry. Just a little bit different. He’s a little bit different too, there’s nothing wrong with that. Right?!

It’s when you start preferring to be called Henry as opposed to your birth name, do the cogs start churning in his brain. He would have suspected at first that maybe you just were very good friends with him and loved TSL almost as much as him.

He’s seen a few heart-warming anime about it. Specifically one about a girl becoming a boy, and the struggles he went through while attending school. The title wasn’t too important to him, but now that he had a reference for what you were dealing with, he was a bit happy. He just wanted to wait until the moment was right to bring it up to you. Perhaps his Henry was really a Henry after all!

When the moment comes, he’s proud to say the least. He throws his arms around you happily, and promises to be there by your side every step of the way. He’s not exactly rolling in money, but an Otaku finds a way. The Lord of Shadows is your best friend ever, and he can’t wait to see the before and after pictures of your full transition!

Satan

It started with a book you read with him. He didn’t fully comprehend your situation, but he knew you didn’t act like normal girls. It reminded him of a character in a book he read a few weeks ago. The guy didn’t really act like a girl.

While sweet and thoughtful, this character didn’t hit the nail on the head in some ways. When talking over the book with you, you explained just as much to him. The energy was there, but it was backwards for you. He picked up on it immediately.

So what you’re telling me is, you understand this characters struggle with themselves, and can relate to it. But something about it is backwards? A little smile appears on his face as it fully dawns on him. MC, I think I’ll be able to assist you in any way you need.

With Satan’s wonderful connections across the entire Devildom, it wasn’t long before you were getting some of the best treatment possible. The prices seemed a bit scary, but he assured you everything was being taken care of behind the scenes. If you needed to worry about anything, it would be the tiring, long process to come with transitioning. He’ll be sure it goes relatively smoothly for you, though!

Asmodeus

Oh he gets it immediately. Darling why didn’t you just say so in the first place?

He’s dragging you back to your room, rambling the entire time about how he can’t wait to take you out and go shopping. He puts together a devious little page to gather up donations and the like to support your transitioning. His fans would be HONORED to pitch in, right?

In the mean time, he stops pampering you with makeup and his other routines that you used to tolerate for the sake of being cordial. He still pushes for the nail polish, since gender is simply a social concept and he’s ready to crush it into dust any chance he can get. But it’s not about him, it’s about you.

Soon your room is painted a new color, your dresses and skirts and frilly outfits are tossed out for more appropriate attire for your sex, and he’s taking photos for his Devilgram page to show everyone how beautiful you are, even while going through the long process!

Beelzebub

You and Beel got along fabulously. He seemed astonished that a female was interested in all these manly habits he indulged in. He heard from some of the guys on his team that you were interested in playing Fangol. As evidenced by how you always showed up to his practices and games, no matter if they were home or away.

He figured you were just a really big fan of sports. But then you even started working out with him, and giving him suggestions and tips on how to get even more out of his workouts at the gym. You were really passionate about this.

Let’s not kid ourselves, he probably does not pick up on any of the signs. You have tot ell him, and you have to tell him firmly. You are a man, just like him. When you do tell him, however, he’s eager to help you transition. Imagine having another guy in the house who loves Fangol as much as you do!?

He isn’t much aside from emotional support through the transitions, and he coddles you when you have those bad days. If you want to eat something, he’ll rush to the kitchen and cook you a full meal before you move an inch. You’re allowed to lay in bed today. Let him handle the heavy load of work for you.

Belphegor

Oh wow, look at that. He picked it up almost immediately.

I mean, there’s no way a girl would act the way you do, right? Dress the way you do. Be the way you are. He doesn’t care though, and just wants you to be happy. If that means you transition into a man, then hell, he’s on board with you.

He may be a lazy bastard, but he knows when it’s time to get up and work hard to get something. That was what he was like as an angel, anyways. Working at Hell’s Kitchen is the worst, and you hear him complain about as much, but he smiles and assures you that it’s all for a good reason.

His final gift to you to apologize about the Incident, is money. Now at first glance it seems like something Mammon would do. Probably. In reality though, this is the money that will be going towards your HRT. He doesn’t know if you want to fully transition or not, but if you want that top surgery, he can help pay for that too. He’ll do anything to make sure you’re happy and healthy in your own body.

Diavolo

It really is a house of men, isn’t it?

He’s glad though, truly, that you were comfortable coming to him about it. Don’t bother ever opening your wallet to pay for any therapy, medication, or surgery. As the Prince of the Devildom, he would be more than happy to get you doctors of all sorts to help you. No questions asked!

It might be a bit overwhelming at first, but the news is exciting. If the Prince accepts you so readily, it gives you hope that other demons will as well. Pretty soon you’re going through your processes, and Diavolo couldn’t be happier to see it happening.

You really is a wonderful guy, and he’s glad he’s getting to experience the changes you take in your life. 

Barbatos

To say he didn’t suspect this would be an understatement.

Ever silent and respectful though, he never spoke a word of it. You are probably uncomfortable with people assuming it, even though it’s true. An insecurity that humans seem to deal with, although unfortunate.

However, when the news is broken during a meeting between you, Lucifer, he, and the Prince himself, a smile creeps on his face.

He’s happy to hear that you are so comfortable speaking about this sort of thing. He knows it must be tough, having hidden your true feelings for so long. He prepares a delicious tea with small treats, to celebrate your coming out, and transitioning.

Simeon (and Luke)

Oh dear. God loves you, still. Don’t worry about this. He doesn’t see you as an imperfection.

They assures you constantly that you have their full support, and that will never change. You are not broken, you are not unwanted, and you are not strange. You are a regular trans man in their eyes, and they will defend you on that.

Simeon almost takes on a fatherly role to you, wanting to make sure everything goes as smooth as possible. He probably has done a bit of research in preparations for your transition, and all the nasty little side effects that come with it are worrying him.

However, once it’s all over, Luke and Simeon are glad you came out on top. And my, what a handsome man you make!

Solomon

He figured, but didn’t want to assume. I mean, who the hell is he?

He’s got a few spells for this though, make it quick and painless. One wave of a wand and POOF! Woman no more!

Oh but that’s probably dangerous. The shifty bastard. You would much rather do it the regular way; and not have your insides and outsides shifted around by some crazy sorcerer.

He doesn’t protest much, but that does suck. Hehe. Oh well. You can count on him to support you through it all!

[cestlestial-beings]

like that

Summary: Three times Sam and Dean have sex: 1. Dean visits Sam at Stanford and they find out they feel the same way about each other; 2. Sam confesses to Dean that he's a man, and Dean does his best to ease Sam's worries; 3. Years into Sam's transition, Dean enjoys Sam's masculine traits.

Fandom: Supernatural Characters: FTM!Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester Pairing: Sam Winchester/Dean Winchester Word Count: 4600 AO3: Link

Notes:

Thanks to @jackklineisperfect for beta reading :) Any errors you find are my own.

Pronouns are based on Dean's perception, not Sam's identity.

Part 1/Stanford Sam looks like this.

More notes on physical transition for transgender men are included in the end notes on AO3.

Full Fic:

The First Time with Her

Dean fell in love with Sam when she was sixteen. One day, it just clicked. She was beautiful.

He would never act on it. She was four years younger than him, and they were siblings.

But every time he hooked up with someone else, he thought about her.

* * *

Dean visits Sam a couple of days before her birthday, two years into her time at Stanford.

He has no idea how she’s going to take it—they’d had enough angry arguments over the phone during Sam’s first six months that they haven’t spoken to each other in more than a year, despite how much Dean has wanted to—but here he is, in front of Sam’s apartment building, pacing back and forth on the sidewalk.

Finally the front door to the building opens, and Dean sees her.

His breath catches. She’s embraced her feminine side since she’s come to Stanford. She’s wearing a fitted t-shirt and shorts that show off her long legs instead of the too-loose hoodie and jeans of her high school days; she has a wavy, shoulder-length hairstyle and bangs instead of a choppy, done-at-home haircut; and she has just a hint of makeup on—light eyeliner and lipgloss. She looks nothing like the frumpy, tomboyish girl she’d been when Dean saw her last.

“You’ve been standing out here for two hours. Are you just gonna stand there looking like a stalker, or are you coming to come in?”

He ducks his head and jogs up the steps to the door. Right back into her sass, before even a hello.

“You look so grown up, Sammy,” he says, as she walks him up the stairs to her apartment.

Sam smiles shyly. “My friends are really insistent on helping me with my style.”

No kidding. Dean’s never seen her look so much like a girl.

She leaves the stairwell at the third floor and stops at a door about halfway down the hall, then turns to him.

“Dean, why are you here?” she finally asks.

He gives her a wavering smile. “I wanted to surprise you for your birthday, Sammy.” He knows that doesn’t answer her question, so he sighs and adds, “I know I gave you a lot of crap for leaving me and Dad behind, but…” He shrugs. “I miss you. I’ll accept your decision if it means you’ll be in my life.”

“Awwww. That’s so cute.”

“Shut up,” he says, rolling his eyes. All grown up and yet still the annoying little sibling.

And then she smiles, and it lights up her whole face. His heart melts, and he hates himself for it.

She pulls him into a hug. “I really missed you too, Dean.”

* * *

Sam introduces Dean to her roommates as “an old friend” which strikes Dean as strange, but he rolls with it. She grabs her stuff and they go out for burgers, talking about everything except what Sam left behind. The conversation is so natural, it’s almost as if the two-year gap since they last saw each other hadn’t happened at all.

Dean gives her a gift (a small stack of classic movies he knows she hasn’t seen but should) and buys her a milkshake. He sticks a candle he’d brought with him into the top of the milkshake and lights it, and Sam laughs when an employee comes over to tell them to put it out because it’s a fire hazard. As it gets dark, Sam takes Dean on a walk around the Stanford campus, pointing out certain landmarks as they go.

It’s almost ten at night when they get back to Sam’s apartment building. They stop in front of the building, and it feels like the end of a date, neither of them sure where to go from here. Something shifted in their relationship since they’d seen each other last; there was a new, unexplored dimension to it that hung heavy in the air between them.

“Where are you staying?” Sam asks him.

Dean points to the Impala, parked across the street. “That’s my room for the night.”

Sam rolls her eyes. “Come on,” she says, already headed inside.

“Won’t your roommates mind?”

“No,” she says. “They have boys over often enough, I don’t think they’ll care.” Dean feels his cheeks start to burn, and he can see Sam start to blush at the careless comparison as well. “You know what I mean!” she says, elbowing him hard in the ribs.

Sam lays a futon out on the floor for him and gives him a stack of sheets before leaving to go through her bedtime routine. He sets up, feeling nostalgic for when they shared rooms as kids. You have to sleep on the floor because you’re younger, Dean would say after setting up the bedding on the ground, and Sam would throw a fit but finally give in, and ultimately Dean would give her the bed because he felt guilty.

Dean looks around the room, running his fingers along the back of the spines of textbooks and picking up picture frames with photos of Sam and people Dean doesn’t know.

Sam finally comes back into the room, dressed in plaid pajama pants and a loose AC/DC t-shirt. She’s so gorgeous that Dean loses his breath for a moment.

“Hey,” she says, shutting the door behind her, and it’s a little awkward now, since they’re alone, awkward like it hasn’t been all night. She bites her lip and pauses like she’s going to say something. It takes her a moment but she finally says, “There’s something I feel like I should tell you.”

“Hm.” He’s completely still, waiting for what she’s going to say.

She takes a deep breath. “Part of the reason I left was to get away from you.”

It feels like a punch in the gut, and he turns away.

“No, Dean, I…” She runs a hand through her hair. “I wanted you in a way that I wasn’t supposed to, so I ran. I ran because I was guilty, and scared. I just thought you should know, before you leave again. So you can know not to come back.”

Dean’s breath stops completely as he takes in her words.

She forces a laugh. “God, it was a mistake inviting you up here tonight when—”

He cuts her off with a kiss. She’s surprised but leans into it almost immediately, the tension melting out of her body. He thought this would feel worse. He thought this would feel gross, and predatory, and wrong. But he can tell how badly she wants him, so it just feels good.

He pulls back, just a little. “I want you too,” he says. “In a way that I’m not supposed to.”

She lets out a short, giddy laugh, and pulls him back in for a kiss.

He sits down on the bed and pulls her onto his lap, their mouths never leaving each other’s. His hand slips up under her shirt to cup her breast, and he’s surprised to note she’s still wearing a snug-fitting sports bra, even in her nightwear. She leans away from him and pushes his hand down.

“You don’t want to…?” he starts to say.

“No, I do. You can touch me anywhere but there.”

He doesn’t really understand but he doesn’t mind because there’s so much more of Sam to explore. He lets his hands roam down her back, across her belly, around the firm curve of her ass. He pulls her shirt off of her and helps her slide out of her pants and she’s here, bare in front of him in just her underwear and so, so beautiful.

“Are you sure?” he whispers, and she nods, hungry. “Okay.”

He flips her over onto her back and takes a moment to pull off his own clothes. He feels self-conscious in a way he’s never been with other girls as he undresses in front of her. When his clothes are off, he crawls over to look down at her. Her eyes are sparkling and happy, the corner of her mouth just barely pulled up in a smile.

“You’re beautiful,” he breathes, and now she does smile, fully.

He presses kisses down along her body, along her collarbone and arms and stomach—careful to skip over her still-covered chest, like she asked—and he pulls down her panties, down and off (lacy pink doesn’t seem like Sam’s style, but the thought only registers in his head for a moment).

He kisses her lower stomach, and he feels her gasp lightly, goosebumps rising on her skin. He pushes her legs apart for access and slides his tongue along her folds and up to her clit. She’s wet already.

“Dean,” she moans, and the sound runs straight through him to his rapidly hardening dick. She buries a hand in his hair while his tongue swirls around her clit. She tugs his hair a little bit. “Dean, I want you inside me.”

He slides back up and kisses the corner of her mouth. “Sure, baby.”

“Condoms in the second drawer,” she says, pointing to the nightstand.

He opens the drawer and rifles through it. There’s a couple of dildos, a vibrator, several sizes of butt plugs. “Sammy, you naughty girl. Playing with yourself, huh?”

Her face is in the shadow of his body, but he can still see her blush. She slaps his arm. “Just get the condom, asshole.”

He obeys. Fishes one out, tears open the packaging, slides it on. When he looks back at her, her lips are parted just slightly, her eyes hooded with desire. Fuck, she’s beautiful. She’s everything he’s ever wanted.

He lines himself up with her hole and she uses her hand to help guide him in. He pushes in and she gasps, pressing her head back into the pillow and squeezing her eyes shut. He slides in slow, letting her adjust to his presence inside her. She’s tight and warm and it feels so good it’s almost overwhelming.

Dean stops when he’s all the way in.

She opens her eyes and meets his, bringing up her hand to rest on the side of his face. “This is pretty fucked up, huh?”

Yeah, he wants to say. There’s a part of him insistently reminding him that it’s not too late to stop, to put things back to the way they were. To make their relationship be that of siblings, not whatever the fuck this is.

But he wants this and Sam wants this and he doesn’t want her to feel like a freak for her desires, so he says, “Less fucked up than everything else about our lives,” and she laughs softly before pulling him down for another kiss.

Sam keeps him close as he rocks into her, slow and sensual, and sometimes when he hits just the right spot, she’ll moan against his lips. Their bodies move together with a familiarity that only comes from having known each other their entire lives, though they’ve never known each other like this.

She comes with a moan, and the feeling of Sam clenching around him pushes him over the edge a few seconds later.

“Fuck, Sam,” he says, the pleasure washing over him in waves.

“Dean,” she says, and, breathing hard, she takes his face in both of her hands, watching the pleasure on his face with a satisfied smile.

He pulls out and flops down next to her, lying on his side so he can watch her catch her breath.

She brushes a lock of sweaty hair out of her face and rolls to face him as well. She grins. “God, you’re hot.”

“I know,” he says, and she rolls her eyes. He leans in close and kisses her forehead, the way he’s done since she was a little kid. He thought it would feel weird, a gesture of an older sibling right after sex, but it just feels natural. Like the physical intimacy they’d just shared was simply an extension of the emotional intimacy they’ve had their entire lives.

“Hey,” she says, running her fingers along Dean’s cheek. “I don’t have class tomorrow morning.”

“So...?”

“So you can keep me up tonight,” she says, and she winks at him, an awkward wink closer to a blink, and he laughs at her attempt to be sexy. Her cheeks turn red, but she scowls at him. So cute.

“Okay, I’ll keep you up tonight,” he says, giving her a quick kiss.

And he does, but they spend more time talking than fucking, and he’s so content. He could stay here forever.

* * *

Dean doesn’t call for a year, even though he knows he should. But what is he supposed to say, after a night like that with his own sister?

Finally he works up the nerve.

It’s a short conversation.

Sam is in a committed relationship now. She’s trying harder than ever to distance herself from her past, and Dean doesn’t fit into her new life.

It shouldn’t hurt like it does. Dean is the one who’d put space between them, and she was going to move on eventually. But he still feels hollow, and he doesn’t call her again.

The First Time with Him

Sam is having a breakdown in the motel bathroom and Dean doesn’t know what to do. Dean thinks she was set off by meeting Dean’s old flame Cassie, and Dean doesn’t know how many more times he can assure Sam that Cassie isn’t the one he’s in love with anymore, that Sam is the only person he has eyes for.

“That’s not it,” Sam said, but wouldn’t elaborate any more than that.

“Come on, Sam, just talk to me,” he says, resting his head against the bathroom door. “Please.”

“Give me some space, okay?” she says again.

He sighs, but there’s not much he can do, so he goes out and gets a couple of burgers and comes back. When he enters the motel room, Sam is sitting on the bed in a huge, oversize hoodie and a loose pair of Dean’s jeans, staring at the wall. It’s almost impossible to make out any of her form beneath the clothes. She’s been dressing in super loose, baggy clothes like that more often than not lately, and Dean doesn’t understand.

“Food,” he says.

Sam begrudgingly gets up and sits down at the motel room’s table, helping herself to one of the burgers. She munches on it silently, her red, puffy eyes carefully avoiding Dean’s.

She’d been so much more masculine by the time Dean had broken into her apartment to tell her Dad was missing. Away from her feminine attire and presentation she’d had the previous time they’d met, and back to a short, boyish haircut and masculine outfits that hid her curves. Anyone would see her as a guy at first glance, and probably at second glance too. I just feel more comfortable like this, she’d said, and then it turned out her committed relationship was with a woman. Dean was shocked. Had Sam really been a butch lesbian this whole time? Was what happened between them two years before just a dream?

It didn’t make him any less drawn to her, though. She was still Sam, with her piercing green eyes and sharp intelligence and a level of empathy and kindness that seemed miraculous, given the background she came from. And she was still drawn to him too—their relationship became physical a few weeks into working with each other again.

The closer physical intimacy meant that in the past couple of weeks, Dean has been noticing that some things are seriously off. Sam wears a tight sports bra every time they fuck and refuses to take it off. She barely speaks to him when she’s on her period. Sometimes during what he considers pretty vanilla dirty talk, she shuts off for the night. He chalks it up to hormones, but he knows it’s something more, especially now that she’d had a full breakdown over whatever it is.

“Do you want to talk about it now?” Dean asks, not yet starting in on his burger. He tries to keep his voice gentle and even, to coax her into talking about what’s been bothering her so much.

She sets down her food and pushes it away. She absently taps the table with her finger like she’s trying to decide whether to share what she’s thinking or not. She’s still avoiding looking at Dean, and it’s starting to piss him off that she’s barely acknowledging him.

“Sam, come on,” he says, and his voice comes out harsher than he intends. But he’s tired of her brushing it off and pushing him away when it’s not something that either of them can just ignore. “You can’t just expect me to walk on eggshells around you, hoping that I won’t set you off about something I don’t even understand. Why the hell are you upset?”

Sam shakes her head.

“Come on, man, give me something,” Dean pleads.

Sam swallows. “I’m not who I am, Dean.”

Dean furrows his brow. Sam couldn’t be any more unclear if she tried. “What the hell does that mean?”

“I’m…” She gestures down at herself. “This isn’t me. It’s not me. I’m not supposed to be like this.”

“Like what?”

“A girl.”

“I don’t get it.”

She takes a long, shaky breath. “I want—I need—to be a man.”

Dean supposes he should be more shocked by her declaration, but Dean has always seen her more as Sam than as a girl. And finding out she feels like a guy… Things just start to click.

All the times Sam had called herself Dean’s brother as a little kid, despite John and Dean’s frequent corrections. Excited chatter about how much she related to the boys in her most recent book. Complaining about not playing soccer at the same time she quit the girls’ soccer team. The complete withdrawal into herself as soon as she hit puberty.

Dean had always figured it was identity confusion because Sam had never had a female role model growing up, but that wasn’t what it was, not really.

And more recently—leaning into anything masculine while distancing herself from femininity. He remembered when a store clerk had called her “sir” the other day, and her face had brightened. He hadn’t thought much of it at the time—it seemed a lot of people mistook Sam as a guy—but it makes sense now why it would make her happy.

“Okay,” he finally says, waiting for her to elaborate.

“‘Okay’?” she asks. “What do you mean, ‘okay’?”

“I guess I don’t understand what this means, exactly.”

“It means…” She sighs, runs a hand through her hair. “I’d be different, Dean. If you were okay with me starting hormones, it would mean I would look different, and sound different, and probably feel and smell different too.”

She laid it all out for him, but he’s still not sure he understands. He has no clue what the changes would look like on Sam specifically. He focuses on the one part of the sentence he did understand. “What do you mean, if I’m okay with it?” he asks. “The Sam I know would never ask permission.”

Sam picks at a fingernail nervously. “I don’t want to lose you,” she says softly.

“You’re not going to lose me, Sam,” Dean tells her. “I’m going to stay with you, I promise.”

“No, Dean, I mean… You’re attracted to women. Just look at Cassie. She was so… And I’m so…” Sam shakes her head as she struggles to find the right words. “I’m going to change and…” Her voice starts to fade as she talks. “You’re not going to want me anymore.”

Dean has no idea what to say. He can’t see any universe where he wouldn’t want Sam. He’s silent for a long moment as he looks at Sam carefully, thinking about what she would look like as a guy. Yes, he loves her body as it is now, the soft curves and smooth skin and feminine moans he pulls from her during sex. So what would it feel like to be with her, if it was different? Stubble and broad shoulders and a dick?

He tilts his head slightly. He’s never sought out guys, never really been interested, but he’d never really been averse to it either. If Sam became a man, Dean’s pretty sure he wouldn’t mind. He would miss some things, but he wouldn’t mind. His attraction to Sam is because she’s Sam, not because she’s a woman.

Sam shifts uncomfortably, his eyes still avoiding Dean’s.

“Hey,” Dean says, and his hand snakes across the table to take Sam’s. “I’m gonna love you no matter what, okay?”

“Yeah, but not like—”

“Yes, like that,” Dean says. “I loved you the way you were when I came to see you in college. I love you the way you are now. I’ll love you no matter what changes you or your body go through, okay?”

Sam’s eyes well up with tears. “Really?” he says softly.

Dean squeezes Sam’s hand and gives him a reassuring smile. “Yeah.”

Sam sniffs. “God, I tell you I feel like a guy and then start crying like a girl.”

Dean stands up and pulls Sam up to his feet too.

“Hey,” he says, taking Sam’s face in his hands and wiping away Sam’s tears with his thumbs. “It’s okay. You’re going to be okay.”

Dean pulls him into a hug and holds him close while he cries himself out.

Normally they’d look for their next job at the end of a day like today, but they take the night off and talk about where Sam is going to go next. How he’ll get hormones, if he’s going to get surgery, how fast the changes will happen.

Sam gradually starts to open up about it and get more and more excited, and Dean can’t help the warm feeling deep in his core. When Sam is happy, Dean is happy too.

* * *

Dean falls asleep in Sam’s arms that night and only wakes up when the light streaming through the crack in the curtains hits his eyes.

He groans and rolls over so he’s facing Sam. He nudges Sam awake.

“Hey, handsome,” Dean says, and Sam blinks his eyes open sleepily. Sam smiles when he meets Dean’s eyes.

“Hey, gorgeous.”

Dean brushes a messy lock of hair away from Sam’s face. It falls right back into place. “Since you’re a guy now, would it be gay if we fucked?” he asks. He’s excited to try, now that he knows the feminine words to avoid and the masculine words to try out. Now that he knows what will turn Sam off and what might turn him on.

Sam rolls his eyes. “I don’t know, does that bother you?”

“Can’t knock it ’til I’ve tried it,” Dean says. “I’ve always wondered what it’s like to suck a dick.”

Sam raises his eyebrows.

Dean starts to scoot down the bed and looks up at Sam through his eyelashes. “You mind if I give it a try, stud-muffin?”

Sam bites his lip. “Hey, I’d like if you never called me that again, ever.”

“Daddy?”

“Gross, that’s so much worse.”

“Lover boy.”

“Dean.”

“Little brother?”

Sam doesn’t object to that one, so Dean takes it as a green flag. Not a traditional sexual term, but he thinks it’s kind of hot.

While Dean goes down on Sam and listens to Sam’s moans, he realizes this feels right. Sam, a guy. It’s going to take some getting used to, but it fits. Things have changed, but they’re the same; it’s a new chapter, but still the same book.

The Hundredth Time with Him

It’s a few years later, sometime between near-world-ending events, that Dean wakes up in a motel bed with his arm draped over Sam. Dean still likes being the big spoon, no matter that Sam is bigger than Dean now. When Sam started testosterone, he bulked up big time. He’s huge and all muscle, but that doesn’t stop him from snuggling up against Dean.

Dean yawns and strokes his fingers lazily through Sam’s chest hair and Sam hums sleepily. He runs his hand down Sam’s side. Gone are the feminine curves Dean loved about Sam before, smoothed out and adjusted by hormones, but Dean loves the new shape just as much. And ever since the surgery they’d only had to commit light fraud to afford, Dean’s pleased that he can touch Sam’s chest wherever he wants.

Sam rolls over and nuzzles his nose against Dean’s. Dean strokes a thumb along Sam’s jaw, the stubble prickly under the pad of his finger. Dean hadn’t expected so much facial hair growth, but he doesn’t mind it. The scent of Sam’s aftershave turns Dean on just as much as the familiar smell of her vanilla shampoo used to.

“Hey,” Dean says, pressing a light kiss to Sam’s lips. “We should get up.”

“I don’t want to,” Sam mumbles, eyes still closed. He’d been up far past Dean, finishing up on a lead for some research, so Dean doesn’t blame him for wanting to stay in bed.

“Come on. We’ve got work to do. I’ll suck your dick if you come take a shower.”

That seems to do it. Sam groans and rolls out of bed. “Fine.”

Sam is too sleepy to do much himself, but Dean takes his time lathering Sam up with soap, scrubbing him all over his body with a washcloth. Sam is so comfortable in his body now, too, in a way that he never was before. It’s a relief to be able to touch Sam anywhere without Sam turning off or pushing him away.

Dean massages shampoo into Sam’s scalp and grins at the moan it elicits from Sam.

He shuffles around so he’s in front of Sam and gets on his knees, brushing his soaked hair from his eyes. Sam looks down at him through hooded eyes and buries a hand in Dean’s hair. Dean smiles and takes Sam’s dick between his lips, lapping at the tip and water running over it. Sam’s cock is still small, but it’s grown since Sam started hormones, almost an inch and a half long now, sometimes a little more when Sam is hard.

Dean slides two fingers into Sam. He knows Sam’s body almost better than his own, so when he curls his fingers, he finds Sam’s g-spot instantly. “Mm, fuck, Dean,” Sam says, pushing his hips towards Dean.

Dean takes his time, sucking on Sam’s cock and stroking his fingers in Sam, enjoying Sam’s panting and gasps until Sam comes with a moan. Dean feels himself start to get hard as Sam’s pussy clenches around his fingers. Dean runs his tongue along Sam’s cock one more time and then stands up. He meets Sam’s lips with his own. “Worth getting up for?” he murmurs.

“It was… adequate,” Sam says, and Dean punches his shoulder while Sam laughs.

“Last time I ever do anything nice for you,” Dean grumbles.

“Aw, come on,” Sam says, and he tugs Dean in, pressing their bodies close together. Dean leans his forehead against Sam’s and lets out a contented sigh. It crosses Dean’s mind, briefly, how far they’ve come. How far Sam has come.

How everything about Sam is different, except that he’s Sam.

And Sam is all Dean wants.

[fuck-customers]

I'm FtM and have been doing retail since before I even started HRT so I've heard almost everything at this point. This most recent moment is what really pushed me to start looking for other jobs.

A semi-regular comes in. I'm in the middle of helping someone else but she stands off to the side and tells me that 3 days ago, I charged her the wrong price for a pizza (it was a cheese, I rang it up as a sausage apparently) and the price difference is a dollar. I tell her I'll help her in a second. But she just keeps going on in this accusatory tone like I did it on purpose.

Honestly I could totally see myself doing that and if she'd given me a second I probably would have just given her a dollar out of my drawer. My cash control is very good and I can be short up to $10 before I get in trouble. I tell her I just have to think for a second.

She cuts in "I don't want to have to call your manager and say 'hey, she charged me the wrong price.'" I don't get misgendered very often anymore so I'm prepared to completely ignore it. But now she's at the counter and I'm ringing up her order and she just drags it out. "Oh sorry I misgendered you, you just look EXACTLY like this girl I know."

(Pro Tip: If you misgender someone, you just say "He, sorry!" and go on. Don't drag it out and NEVER try to explain why it happened. "Sorry I called you a dumbass, you just were acting like this dumbass I know" is just an insult with "sorry" in front of it.)

I say "that's not a helpful thing to say," while ringing her out and bagging up her stuff. I'm uncomfortable now and totally forget about the dollar. I cash her out and start helping someone else.

"Well I'm willing to apologize for it if you'll apologize for scamming me." She says. At this point I know she's trying to start something with me, so I ignore her and focus on this transaction.

"See this is why no one likes you transgenders. You can't even act human and accept an apology."

I just start laughing because I have no idea wtf that's about. It sounds fake as I type it because it's honestly the weirdest move anyone's done. I ring out the other customer and we're alone and get into it. I shouldn't have but it was so slimey and uncalled for. I tell her I'm just trying to do my job and it's not appropriate to bring that shit up. She's the one who brought it up, not me. I got kinda pissed and said it wouldn't shock me if she just came in here itching to go on her unhinged rant about trans people.

She says "It's not my fault you're mad that you look like a girl and can't be a real human about it."

I said "I don't look like a girl, you DO look like a bitch. Get the fuck out of here and don't ever come back."

She called me a closed-minded bigot and left.

I know I could have handled it better but it was honestly so bizarre and gross. It's hard to be above it all when you're knee-deep in shit. I realized this kind of thing will happen less and less, but still happen as long as I'm in retail. I'm tired of it. Transition is one of the only good things I've ever done for myself and I'm sick of strangers thinking it's fodder or a conversation piece. After she left I pulled out my phone and started applying to other jobs between customers. Have a few interviews set up next week.

Much love to all the trans people working retail jobs. You're a powerful bunch who deserve the world.

[dipplie]

Temporary list of my stories and OC’s until one day I make a comprehensive and well made list:

Blinded:

Polli: My oldest OC and fun fact was my persona till she become edgy and I wasn’t 12 anymore. Everyone’s favorite yes yes I’m aware. Yellow, energetic, eats dirt and bugs, I can’t tell if she’s evil because of a wisp possession or just crazy. Breaks the 4th wall. Is she a Mary Sue???????? Who knows.

Melody: NOT Polli’s girlfriend despite Polli’s delousions. Has an abusive mom :(. Only has one eye and then no eyes and then robot eyes or smthn idk she becomes a badass when she gets older. But otherwise trembling in her shoes all the time.

Melodys Mom/Sharren: Bitch. Okay well all I’ll say is she’s old and grumpy and probably smells bad.

Louise: Total hotty, rich kid, FtM, got bullied as a kid for his weight. Had a squad of fans basically in high school. Lived with his mom after his parents got a divorce but his mom was semi abusive, projected her femininity onto him, and wouldn’t have been supportive of his transition, so between middle and high school he went to live with his dad and got his sex change and testosterone. His best friend in elementary and middle school stopped talking to him after his transition, and became his competition for the most attractive and sought after boy in school (except Louise is a sweetheart while his friend Tommy is a dick and really gross) His dad runs a company that specializes in technology, and after meeting and falling in love with Melody (even after all her abusive trauma and losing both her eyes) he has his dad and some of the developers create a way to get her vision back and I mean honestly I love him how could you not love him he’s so perfect.

Watching:

Fick: Big nerd boy with thick glasses. I feel like he’d use Reddit but don’t quote me on that. Big crush on Vivinya. Boy don’t wander into the woods- oh look dead body with a curse on it don’t touch it- aaaand now he has a wisp that makes him kill people, way to go kid. Panic attack central.

Vivinya: True crime girl, yucky yucky. Probably had a knife collection. “uwu I’m insane” except she actually is and starts using Fick to kill people for her and treats him like her “Yandere boyfriend” or something cringe and gross oh god. She deserves jail. JAIL. Needs to learn guys need to give consent too. Just overall sucks 1/10.

Tommy: I mentioned him early to be Louises ex best friend and rival. He used to have a crush on Louise actually but that don’t excuse being a BITCH!!!! Also needs to learn people gotta give consent he is just as gross as Vivinya. Cheats on all the girls he gets with because he’s again, a bitch. Idk if he deserved to get murdered though I mean he was still a teenager but it’s fine. Thinks of the song Seventeen from Heathers actually this story does feel a tad reminiscent of heathers with vivinya being a crazy and wanting to off a bunch of students. Huh.

Suzannie: Tommy’s older sister who’s a detective. What a coincidence. Monotone and depressed. Probably because her little brother got murdered. Gets real awkward when she’s talking about her brothers murder(s) to Fick and Vivinya like “when I find who did this to him they’ll regret being born”. Kind of really pretty actually.

Adolescents (there isn’t actually a story here yet but don’t worry about it shhhh):

Nelson: HIMBO HIMBO H- Jock stupid idiot big dork god he’s so awkward and his main personality trait is having a crush on Naomi and being a dork when talking to her. Probably could benchpress you.

Naomi: Gamer or something and a nerd geek. Her main personality trait is having a crush on Nelson and also being a dork when talking to him. Probably a weeb and fandom dweller. Can’t draw but she commissions artists to draw. She does write copious amounts of fanfiction though.

Andrés: Ohhh the school bad boy babyyyy. Baseball bat with nails in it or something. There’s like... A thing between him in Charlotte and he wants to be a thing but she’s being difficult and makes it hard to talk to her or about her and ugh.

Charlotte: Princess, high school princess. She’s actually pretty nice when you get to know her- but she’s a diva. Ballerina after school. Best friends with Naomi and doesn’t know what she’s talking about when she mentions ships or OTPs but she listens anyways because she’s a good friend. There’s like... A thing between her and Andrés but she doesn’t know if she’s super into him but geez he’s really hot but she gets such mixed responses when she asks her friends about it and what if it doesn’t work outttt.

Marlon: They/Them but they’re okay with either pronouns they aren’t sure yet, he or she is okay... Box boy box boy. Autism... He doesn’t want to admit He’s attracted to men but he’s totally attracted to men. He lives alone which is probably illegal for his age but somehow he manages. Everyone thinks he’s “the quiet kid” and he’s really sad about it no don’t make jokes like that please guys ahh-

Sing for Me:

Kat: The color pink, addahadda(adhd), angry and loud and short. For being only like 10 and being an adorable little lesbian dressing in sparkly pink dresses she actually likes screaming a lot and would totally sing heavy metal if her producers let her. Loud and mad but gets so soft around her girlfriend. “If anything happens to Brie I’m killing everyone in this room and then myself”.

Brie: French... Birds and stuff. Loves her girlfriend even though she is so loud. So fast. So much. Likes to write pretty things. Is only like an inch taller than Kat. Filled with so much love for everything.

Elliot: The girls manager. Lots of coffee. Stressed out of his MIND please help this man. Probably gay. Seems like a smug dick but he is just a tall and lanky dork that loves puppies and wants nothing more than for Kat and Brie to be happy. Accidentally brands them as sisters and then Kat kisses Brie and- oh fuck oh shit oh no what has he done. Hides the fan and non fan responses from them. Poor guy.

Horror Hosts:

Ichabod: Hot demon who’s the son of the current ruler of hell or something. I mean he’s hot, smart, and royalty, what more do you want. I very specifically hear the dub voice of Kyoya Ootori from OHHC as his voice don’t @ me. Goat legs????? Yeah??? Don’t be rude.

Barnabie: Ohhhhhhhhh big orc teddy bear I’m crying I love him????? He puts up a more confident ploy and the given stereotypical personality orcs supposedly have but he’s just a shy boy that wants to give girls flowers and call boys pretty. Help him.

Garrison: Gary Burger. Fat hairy gay man. I mean werewolf. Wouldn’t it be funny if I made the whole werewolf thing backwards and made him transform into a HUMAN only on the full moon??? Party animal, pun absolutely intended. LOUD AND FUNNY he’s a dork. Bites. Horny on main Garrison please you’re supposed pamper and flirt with the guests but not quite that much.

Vincenzo: Token Vampire but he’s Italian because I felt like it. Talk and lanky of course. Bitch face. Blood coffee? Yeah lots of coffee. Tired. Let him sleep in Ichabod. Steps on people. Can summon and reanimate corpses but has a bitter attitude towards them because they get annoyed with him as much as he gets annoyed with- everyone else. He does have a soft spot but idk where it is. When he’s talking to guests he’s more suave and sexy though.

Kai: Genderfluid haha get it because slime fluid-... I’ll stop. Probably objectively the hottest because they can look anyway they want and shift their vocals to sound like almost anything, also probably objectively the best in bed (if you’re okay with the texture of Jell-o) and honestly come on save some for the rest of us it’s not fair. This boy can SING oh my god seranade me and whisper in my ear baby. Spunky and sassy.

Hallvor: BABY OCTOPOD BOY OHHHHH I LOVE HIM HE’S SO SWEET AND IS AN ANGEL DARLING BOY SO EMBARRASSED SO SHY SOFTEST VOICE OHHH- ohhh nooo he’s got a knife ohhhhh Hallvor baby don’t be like that ohhhh... Used to work in hentai actually (I wonder why) but quit because of immoral practices and good for him we love that. Okay he’s not actually a yandere or whatever but he DEFINITELY wants to squeeze you a little too hard and has those crazy eyes.

Carla: Main character of this OHHC monster clone. She sucks I don’t like her because listen listen she kills monsters as a living and when she tries to kill our boys here, Ichabod catches her and goes “no” but then the rest (not knowing her murderous intent) fall in love with her and Ichabod is like: “shoot well I’ll keep you alive and around but I’m watching you” and blah blah romance and feelings and character development and wow she seems like she’s grown to care about them... So Ichabod removes a curse he put to prevent her from harming them or leaving... AND THEN SHE STABS THEM ALL IN THE BACK IM CRYING. I mean she might have an extra reason for needing to kill them but I haven’t decided if I want to actually put it in the story yet so.

Fingertips:

Maria/Marianna: Was this goth angry chick and the head of these losers but after a failed heist, fire, and being betrayed and dropped from a window on a 3rd or 4th story down into flames, and going to the hospital and changing her name, she changed totally and become a soft pretty girl... And then the next three boys went “HEY BOSS WE FOUND YOU” and she went “oh no” and now she’s just an anxious wreck like “no no no no no I don’t shoot people in the face anymore no no no no no” And has a fear of hands. Also was Diamontés best friend in primary school and yes all these characters went to the K-12 school all the other characters do/did. Pretty voice. The story is mostly about her being anxious around all the other characters because who was it that betrayed her and dropped her into the flames below? Find out next week on th-

Nikki: He’s that character that you see and immediately go “oh he’s gross and is angry and is a bitch” and you’re right he is and has a cockney accent and screams a lot and probably swings a knife around a lot, but he’s got a sweet interior (somewhere in there... somewhere) Screamo heavy metal. Him and the rest of these character briefly talked about having a band and then they didn’t and then at the end of the story they do and although he plays guitar mostly, if he does do lead vocals he screams a lot. Bitch.

Anthony: Pretty boy but like the “was in the army” pretty boy vibe. Probably played football in highschool. Pyromaniac. Punches Nikki a lot. Almost gives himbo vibes sometimes, almost. Kind of likes the old timey cozy aesthetic. Plays the piano sometimes but “oh I’m not very good at it” Plays extremely well

Diamonté: TALL. Purple goth boy aesthetic hellll yeahhhh. CRAZY EYES AND THEY SPEAK VOLUMES WATCH OUT. Drums. The scary kind of quiet because he just smiles at you. Crowbar. Okay but he’s actually really sweet though. Secretly loves watching Anthony and Nikki get into fights so that’s why he rarely puts a stop to it. I think he’s a sadist. Can be a gentle giant, but can also be a not so gentle giant. The only time he’s really talkative is after copious amounts of booze.

Unnamed/Undesigned 1: Literally a pimp and he’s pretty gross. Blonde hair and pink and white clothes.

Unnamed/Undesigned 2: Chick that likes to throw knives and be angry and threatens Marianna a lot but in a quiet and monotone way, Marianna is pretty scared and hopes that these are just shallow threats uhhhhh.

Unnamed/Undesigned 3: Sells guns (without a lisence of course) and wears a bandana over his face a lot. Tired. Grumpy.

Unnamed/Undesigned 4: Like Marianna, was cold hearted and cool but then got caught in the fire and got all soft. He only has one eyes but how sweet his eyepatch is a heart. Recoved along side Marianna and they are good friends good friends tha- wait Marianna are you going back with them oh god you can’t do that oh dear oh no oh-

(I don’t have a story or name for these two but they’re my comfort ship OC’s and my current hyper fixaction right now):

Rodriquéz: I literally designed him with almost all the traits I find attractive in a guy other than freckles so as you can imagine I find him super HOT. I also designed his personality on what I find attractive from a guy so as you can imagine I find him super GREAT. But anyways he’s grumpy and closed off and monotone and smug. I really could go on for hours about how I want him to step on me I’m so sorry guys. Both him and Samantha give the “21 and having immature fun” vibes. They’re a thing but they like going to bars together and splitting off and doing their own thing (or doing someone else’s thing if you get what I mean haHhahHhahGahGhaha-) But so help them if anyone doesn’t oblige by the “no” from one of these two, someone’s gonna get beat up.

Samantha: (She literally just my personality shhhhh don’t tell anyone it’s a secret) Bubbly, energetic, a little shy by extroverted, bombshell blonde or something? It took me way too much time and effort to design her but I’m really happy with how I finally designed her, I love her outfit. She could kick me in the face and I’d say thank you. Girly drinks at the bar. Got that trauma and anxiety™️ secretly though. Skips and jumps a lot. As I’m typing this I keep looking up at the drawing of her and more and more I would want her to also step on me.

(Space Story I don’t have a nice title for):

Unnamed/Undesigned 1: So... Funny story this story originally was with me and uh... My ex I guess... So I gotta replace the MC’s... Whoops ahaha... Awkward. But anyways the MC is a robot and a girl and is a slight tsundere or smthn.

Unamed/Undesigned 2: Has a space ship, works for this organization in space that protects the galaxy. Is cocky, lazy, sly, oblivious, and an idiot. The love interest- obviously. Probably accidentally committing space crimes. (Like space pirating hAHAHA-) Kind of cool when he wants to be.

Dandelion/Dandy: CAT. WITH A JET PACK. Kind of an asshole. Fun fact used to be Polli’s cat but then when the Second MC crash landed on earth she was like “fuck this noise I’m going with space boy laterz” (okay she can’t talk but she thought it).

Zizii: Lesbian alien? Yeah???? Okay but I mean her main character trait is being a dorky back alley doctor and engineer obsessed with the MC because they’re a sentient robot with emotions and a lazer arm and rocket boots WOW!!!!!!!!

Story I want to revive:

So I had a story I started writing a long time ago about this tech theatre kid that had a crush on this other theatre kid character, but in a play that other character has to kiss another person for the show, and as the story progresses the MC convinces themselves that it isn’t just a play and that their crush actually loves and is kissing that other kid. And in the play, that other character is supposed to die. Show night comes along and they die, but like actually, and by the hands of the MC (Idk maybe like a light falls on em or smthn). So it’s a grotesque scene the audience sees as just an act. (Mutters I dunno I think my idea’s cool...) So I’ve been wanting to design these characters and work more on the story but I’m busy being obsessed with Rodriquez and Samantha so. (And the Horror Host Club too I love them too still).

Other Characters that either don’t have a specific story or are kind of like background characters:

Jacqueiliquinne Merril: Sara Berry vibes from 35mm (go look up The Ballad of Sara Berry, maybe like an animatic idk the first one that comes up is nice) But otherwise rich, pretty, popular, bitch. Tries to like, steal Louise from his squad and it’s like bro that’s unnecessary who hurt you that’s so rude. She gives Nui from Kill La Kill Vibes too. Oh she knows her name is long and annoying but you have to say the whole thing.

Brianna: Jaqueiliquinne’s sister. Big titty goth gf??? She’s pretty popular too and kind of a bitch too but to a much lesser degree. Her and he sister throw hands a lot when no one is around, you know, “THEY GIRLS ARE FIGHTINNGGGG”.

The Louise Fan Club: 4 characters I haven’t named yet. One writes fanfiction of Louise and shares it with the others and with him sometimes and although he thinks it’s a bit weird he also finds it a tad endearing and supports her. One is an aspiring photographer and is constantly asking Louise to model for him. One is an artist and draws Louise all the time. And one is an aspiring musician who writes songs based of Louise’s relationships which again he finds a little weird but endearing and supports her.

The Jacquiliquinne Merril Fan Club: Genderbent-ish (I say ish because one of the characters is a little bit less defined gender wise) versions of the Louise Fan Club. Yes I’m lazy, and no they don’t get along with them, infact they hate each others club with a passion. 

Unnamed/Undesigned: I wanna make some hacker kid just because I wanna have one.

Unnamed/Undesigned: I also really wanna have a super cutesy magical girl and then a really super duper generic boring character probably like star vs the forces of evil idk I never watched that show but it looks cute.

Me: I exist in the universe fukc you I can do what I want it’s my story and I get to chose the who also if you wanna be in the mess of a universe go ahead draw yourself with my OC’s I allow and encourage and appreciate it. I literally made the Horror Host Club as a sort of Harem story and you are absolutely allowed to make out with them if you’re a monster fucker DO it GO ahead it’s canon.

and that is ALL I have FOR now Knowing me I’ll make like 12 more characters by July, and I mean I need more characters for the high school anyways so...

[yikesharringrove]

Happy Trans Billy Week!

Day 2: Single Parent!au

@transbillyhargrove @blurbwitch

Harringrove

-

With the Mango series going on, and another SUPER SECRET au I’ve been working on feat. single dad!Billy (first chapter is on my parteon hello) I’ve been getting all this kid!fic realness. But here’s one of my favorite tropes.

Billy is ftm, Steve is pan (bc that’s the way I ALWAYS write this bby) and cis

-

Hatcher was clinging to the back of Billy’s legs.

“Hatch, Baby, Daddy’s gotta go.” He could feel Hatcher shake his head. He sighed, peeling the little boy off his legs, squatting down to look him in the eyes. “Hatchback, you’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna make lots of friends, and do fun projects, and learn all kinds of new things.” Hatcher nodded, his lips still pouty, tears threatening to spill over.

“Hey, Buddy. What’s up?” Someone dropped down next to Billy. He turned, taking this guy, his messy dark hair, soft chunky sweater, his big glasses. “My name is Mr. H. What’s yours?” He was smiling so softly at Hatcher.

“H-Hatcher.” Mr. H. stuck out his hand, shaking Hatcher’s gently.

“Nice to meet you, Hatcher. I’m going to be your teacher this year. I’m very excited to work with you. Would you like to help me with something very important this morning.” Hatcher nodded, rubbing his eye with his chubby fist. “You’re going to help me take attendance, make sure all of our new friends are here. Can you do that for me? It’s a big job.” Hatcher nodded. Mr. H. smiled so brightly. “I knew you could do it.” He offered his hand, let Hatcher take it before standing up. Billy followed.

“Hi, Billy Hargrove. I’m Hatcher’s dad. Sorry, he’s just having a bit of a day.” He shook Mr. H.’s hand. It was soft and warm. Billy looked him up and down, realized this soft little teacher, was ridiculously fucking hot.

“Steve Harrington, and that’s okay. It’s hard for kids to be away from their parents at first. He’ll get the hang out it.” Steve was so soft, had this air of gentle about him, perfect for teaching preschool. “Sometimes it helps if they get to have a job, makes them feel good.” Billy smiled at him, turning back to Hatcher.

“Okay, Hatchback, I’ll see you soon. Have so much fun today.” Hatcher gave him the ghost of a smile, but Billy figured that was probably okay for now.

-

Billy was waiting in the parking lot when Steve appeared, walking backwards, leading a line of kindergartners to the waiting area. He laughed to himself as he noticed Hatcher right in front, staring up at Steve.

He made his way up to collect Hatcher. Steve brightened just a bit when he noticed Billy.

Hatcher was chattering away excitedly about everything they did that day, sang Billy the days of the week song they had learned, told him that Mr. H. gave everyone goldfish for snack.

-

Kindergarten got easier for Hatcher as he kept going, as he made friends in his class, as Mr. H. stayed kind and gentle with each student.

Before he knew it, four weeks had gone by and Billy was sitting in one of the chairs lined up outside of the classroom for Parent-Teacher Conferences.

He was the last to come into the room, saw Steve shuffling for a bright green folder, smiling at him when he came in.

“Hi! It’s nice to see you, Mr. Hargrove.”

“Billy, please.” Steve ducked his head a little.

“Well, let’s get to it. Hatcher is doing wonderfully. He’s made lots of friends, and really enjoys engaging in class activities.”

“You must pick pretty good stuff, he always comes home with lots of stories of what they did that day, and is usually covered in glitter.” Steve laughed.

“Believe it or not, you are not the first parent to mention the glitter. I just love me some glitter.” Billy laughed. Steve must’ve had several jars of glitter on his desk alone.

“Well, so does Hatch, so that’s alright I guess.” Steve smiled at him softly. He did that a lot. Billy had to look away, could feel heat creeping up his neck. He shifted to look at the little bookshelf next to Steve’s desk, the perfect height for little hands to brag the picture books there. He furrowed his brows at them.

Several of the books were ones he had at home, had found to give to Hatcher when he began his transition after he was born. He picked one up.

“You’ve got a lot of books on being trans.” Steve’s smile faltered. His eyes went a little cold.

“I think it’s important to teach children from a young age that it’s okay to be who they are.” His voice was steely. Billy put the book down, raising his hands in surrendur.

“Wow, sorry I wasn’t being rude. I think it’s cool. We’ve got a lot of the same books at home.” Steve melted a little.

“I’m sorry. Sometimes parents don’t think those books are very appropriate for a kindergarten classroom. I mean, they were all written with children in mind.”

“I think it’s great that you have them.” Steve was all bright again.

“Thank you. A few years ago, we had a student who was transgender. We had a big discussion in class about it, and kids understand things so much better than adults give them credit for, so I wanted to have some resources for them. Begin the conversation really early in their lives.”

“I really agree. Kids can grasp things so much better than we think. When I told Hatcher that I wasn’t going to be his mommy anymore, he was so sad at the idea of me going away that when I told him I was just going to be his daddy instead, he was completely fine.” Billy watched Steve closely. He knew from the way Steve talked, from the books he had that Steve wasn’t going to kick up a big fuss, but he watched for any signs of Steve going, weird. He was used to coming out, people glancing down at his chest, or even sometimes below his belt. He was used to I never would have clocked you!

Steve just let Billy’s words roll right off him, didn’t flinch one bit.

“Children are smart and they are kind and loving, and teaching them about gender is not inappropriate.” Billy grinned at him.

“You ever get parents telling you that you’re building a whole generation of queer and questioning?” Steve rolled his eyes.

“All the time. I always just say, and what’s so bad about that? They don’t usually like that, though. Sometimes then they’ll call me a queer, and I’ll just be like, yeah, you’re right. And I’m gonna teach your kids to be loving and accepting. What’re you gonna do about it.” Billy laughed at him, posturing around like he would if he were having the real conversation.

“Hey, would you wanna grab a drink sometime?” Steve’s cheeks went immediately red.

“You, like a date?” Billy smirked at Steve as he fidgeted.

“Yeah, Pretty Boy. Like a date.” Steve went even more red.

“Yeah, I would like that. Let me,” he started scrambling around on his desk. “Let me give you my phone number. You can, you can call and we’ll figure everything out.” Billy grinned at the way Steve’s hand trembled as he wrote down his name and number on a yellow sticky note.

“Nervous?” Steve coughed.

“It’s just, it’s been a while. And you’re, you’re very hot. Out of my league. Like really far out of my league.” It seemed like he couldn’t get himself to stop talking. “Like, you’re just cool and have I mentioned you’re hot? I definitely did, oh shut up, Steve.” He refused eye contact as he shoved the sticky note at Billy. “Sorry if that made you change your mind. It does with most people.”

“Well, then they’re idiots ‘cause that, was cute as fuck.” Steve spluttered. Billy stood up, taken the note, leaning forward, over Steve’s desk to brush a kiss to his hot cheek, laughing lightly at how red Steve’s face was. “See you soon, Sweet Thing.”

He swaggered out of the room, taking care to sway his hips just a little extra.

[kevv]

a goodbye letter- abandoning current social media

i'm not the best at writing out my thoughts. forgive me if this feels scrambled and scraped together. my best friend, Fox, once said in abridged words; "it takes two to play out an abandonment fantasy, one to have it, and the other to follow suit".

i've known several handfuls of people who fear abandonment, or more specifically, being the one abandoned; scared that one day everyone in their life will take leave. and sometimes, like a self-fulfilling prophecy, they do. they leave in mass exodus, set into motion by one person who wants to set-forth their own abandonment fantasy– abandoning everyone else.

for me, my own fear of abandonment is not anyone abandoning me, i'm unbothered by people entering my life and leaving of their own accord; i'm scared i'll be the one to abandon everyone in my life. because i have. several times. i still do, even. i'll meet people in my lifetime that i loved harder than the universe itself, a deep love so terrifying i feel that it'll demolish cities and townships, friends and lovers and found-family. my skin will buzz and blaze alight with such an intense fear, a fear that i will ruin them and everything they are so i must run. it's unfounded, but it drives me away, and i fight tooth and nail to get to that escape route for those who won't let me leave quietly, until it ends in disaster. it's my own abandonment fantasy. i recall once, an ex-lover wanted me to stay. tried to lock the door and toss away the key, and said it hurt that i wanted an out. so i caused problems until i could break out through the window. not being allowed an option to leave made me feel like a feral, caged animal; because in the end, that's all i am. i hadn't done it on purpose. the need to escape everything had been there months prior. the events leading up to it had been fuzzy at best, sickly at worst, and i had been spoonfed misinformation. not on purpose, not in malicious intent, but still it struck genuine fear in my heart. like a feral animal, i want the option to roam. to come and go as i please. i can't be kept, i just want the trust that i'll find my way back eventually. if i feel contained, i scratch and bite until i'm released. but if you hold out your hand and wait patiently, i'll come to you. but don't ask me to stay. please don't ask me to stay. there's a lot that lead up to this current migration. the inability to be allowed to stand on my own two-feet and exist as just purely Kevin, not adjacent to someone, was a big one. still to this day i am asked about a youtuber i am no longer affiliated with by my own choice. i don't like attention, it's something i've said to her, said to many, and why i chose to never appear in her videos. which seems contradictory for an artist who posts on social media and previously did all of her older channel art. but maybe now i'm realizing that truthfully, i wanted recognition for me, not for others or for who i made myself sick in order to create content for. it's inescapable. i harbor no hard feelings anymore, i understand i was in the peak of my codependency and was willing to ruin myself for the benefit of another. to run myself broke and dry because at 19 years old i was still a child who didn't know how to handle the extent of his emotions. i want to apologize to penny. neither of us are really blameless, but we were inexperienced and young– still young. it's easy to not know what we're doing, to unintentionally take advantage of someone who was willing to burn themselves to give you warmth, or to latch onto an unfounded rumor and bare my teeth. i hope you're doing well, and i'm sorry. i'd like to give you a proper apology one day, when i'm more ready. that day is not today. sometimes i feel like there are four people living inside my brain, all with dissenting opinions and voices that i can't tell who i am anymore. i feel like i'm constantly contradicting myself because i don't know what my own thoughts are. i don't know who i am anymore. i don't know who i am anymore because i'm several different people all trying to be "kevin", all with different beliefs that go against a previous one. i prematurely deleted my twitter account for this reason, i couldn't stand a second more of being in a toxicity cycle i had previously taken part in, because sometimes that's all social media is. it's very... Online. i want to be one, unified person. whose thoughts and feelings are unadulterated by others surrounding him. additionally, there's the elephant in the room. some have already guessed it, suspected it, saw something like it coming from miles away. but for others who have known me for the past decade, it might be a surprise. someone once told me that words have power, and while at the time i disagreed, i'm starting to understand what she meant now. i've been afraid to speak it into existence, because it means it's real, and coming to terms with this unavoidable truth is a terrifying experience, one i need to face and stop running away from. 

i'm detransitioning. giving life to this phrase doesn't make me feel any better. words have power, and that power is to make me crumble and break. since as early as 4 years old, i felt as if i was born a boy who was just being raised as a girl. at 12 was when i learned about and started identifying as transgender. at 18 i legally changed my name. for a decade, i lived as a transgender man. i've mentioned this before, but i'm intersex. i have an androgen insensitivity syndrome. what this means is that androgens, male sex hormones, have no effect on me. they instantly are reconverted back into estrogen by my body. this has been a reoccurring nightmare of mine since i was 14, and having it become my reality is.. heartbreaking, to say the least, crushing a lifetime of dreams and wishes. i've tried testosterone, self-medicated in my teen years, and "officially" more recently. it has no effect on me. a friend of mine says i shouldn't give up hope until i properly see an endocrinologist about HRT, but the reality is– i know my body, and i know my condition. i don't grow body hair, and my body cannot masculinize. these are unavoidable truths. i don't need to spend hundreds of dollars to be told what i already know. HRT will not affect me; i will never be able to transition. any attempt will become a scientific study in which i'm a guinea pig. i don't want that. i will never pass for male. my voice is high, my body is undoubtably female, my face is feminine, and i'm 4'11". it's disheartening and i've shed many tears over it. for what feels like my whole life, i've longed for SRS/GRS, top surgery, a deeper voice, and a couple inches of height. i ache for body hair, masculine fat redistribution, and male pattern baldness. all the good and the bad associated with testosterone is what i so desperately yearn for with such a soul-crushing depravity. i am genuinely heartbroken. maybe it's my punishment for all the bad things i've believed in or done. it's what i'd deserve, i guess. this punishment. it is for those reasons that i feel like i can no longer find comfort in identifying as ftm, to struggle seeing myself as a man. it's crazy, i've referred to myself as male since early childhood, and now that i'm coming to terms with my intersex condition am i feeling wrong in every conceivably way of identity. truthfully, i don't even identify as anything anymore. i'm not nonbinary, cis, or i guess trans. i feel as if i just exist. i just am. you can still call me kevin. it's my name, my legal name– which i love to point out. i'm not changing it. it's the first time i made a decision purely for myself, and went through with it. i love my name. i don't think i will love anything about myself quite like my name. i chose it when i was 12, it was my first choice. i never wanted another name. i still don't. but i like nicknames, particularly kitty and K-K. you can call me those too. these have always been options available. i reiterate– i really like being called nicknames. (: you can still use male pronouns for me. i never minded being "misgendered" because, well, i never passed, and i made peace with that years and years ago. while being called she/her or otherwise will probably always leave a stale taste in my mouth, i've learned to accept the reality of what i am a long time ago. biologically female. you can still use male identifiers for me, like husband or boyfriend or whatever other male terms there are...... actually you'll have to pry those out of my cold dead hands. i will not accept being called a "girlfriend" i will literally go feral and foam at the mouth and bite your ankles until you take it back. there's comfort in these things that i'm not ready to let go of, and frankly, i don't think i'll ever feel ready to. moving forward, i don't really know what i'm going to do. right now i'm taking a break from the internet, so i can soul-search and truly find myself, in all senses of the word and every iteration that it can be built upon. i'll make a new twitter account when i'm ready to, probably. there's a lot more i want to say, to add onto this in addendum, and pour so much of myself into this until it spills out the sides and trickles down into tiny cracks. but truthfully, i don't know how to say it. i don't know its relevancy to this eulogy of an account, and quite honestly, there are still some things i can't find myself able to say. to speak into existence. to give power to those words. admitting aloud to a 6-year long love that burnt like candles catching a home on fire was intense enough (hi Charlotte it's you, it's you and it's always been you and everyone knows this). so maybe i'd rather keep some things to myself, perhaps. preferably. so i guess that's it. i've bared my heart and soul and skin and bones to whoever will read this piece of myself. it's the end to katidoj, one that's been a longtime coming. i've never been very good at staying in one place for very long. please take care, i love you. and i'll miss you. a piece of my heart left with you, here buried deep in this account. (pressing the submit button has never been so hard in my life.)