#when wwx says he spent a lot of time coming to terms with why he did

[rkivees]

I'm rereading the last few chapters and I'd really like to understand why many can only see WWX and JC reconciling and not each going their own way. It's all in the past, Wei Wuxian said it himself and for me that was kind of a boundary being set but what do I know I guess

[faery-snow]

Wow. There's parts of this I'm like, "oh yeah, totally," but what gets me are the basic differences in how I understand WWX.

I don't see WWX as an extroverted butterfly. Like, he likes people, but he also seems to like alone-time and the space to work his mind without interruption. I perceive his overexuberance as a technique he employs - not necessarily consciously - in order to cope with the specific social environment in which he grew up. He's spent his whole life straddling a duality where he is either lowered or raised according to others' whims. Held up as a standard, or compared as a warning; praised for overcoming his lessened birth, or considered incapable of greatness because of the same; expected to be less than the house's heirs and expected to protect them; etc. Much of it is pretty standard stuff for the culture, except that as an orphan, he had no support, no backing as he navigated it. Nobody saying, "who you are is good enough for those around you." As an adult, I often take it for granted that people will hold that conviction themselves, forgetting that we first learn it from the people who taught us to speak and reason and understand.

Furthermore, while Yu Ziyuan criticizing JC could be emblematic of a caring parent, she did it to excess, spurred by the behavior of JFM, and WWX was regularly drawn into the drama of their family dynamics - but again without solid support to fall back against. There was never anyone solidly in his corner, and how others perceived him, approached him, and talked about him was largely out of his control, including among his most intimate relationships; and how he viewed himself had to be entirely self-constructed.

I see his behavior as a way to wrest some power back in social situations. He forced others to acknowledge him even if they didn't want to, which also meant that when people acknowledged him negatively, it could be passed off as resulting from his pretense of arrogance* and not from his actually being worth less as a person. The best way to hide insecurity is arrogance. While I don't think WWX had low self-esteem, I think he felt insecure in his relationships - low others-esteem, if you will.

*Not all his arrogance is pretense, obviously. He acknowledges that himself later. And even when it wasn't, affecting arrogance as a pretense is itself an arrogant act.

There are a lot of layers. Basically, I see him as a good study in the self-protection a teenager can develop who is raised in constant uncertainty. I don't see him as a true extrovert, but as someone who plays an act in order to pre-defend himself and have some measure of control over his life.

I mean, like I said, I still agree with some of OP's interpretation. 😅 It's just funny the differences in why. Like, I think he's a creative genius who is going to have issues staying in a rigid sect long-term, plus he's married to a probably-autistic person who thrives on, requires, a high degree of regularity. That's not insurmountable, but it is something they'll have to work out in their relationship. And while the mental and philosophical rigidity of the Lan sect is going to be rough on WWX, I think the fact that they have comparatively less jockeying for position in the social hierarchy - that's going to be really nice for him. That stability could help him learn how to uncoil and live securely, where the social ground isn't constantly shifting under your feet. And LWJ himself is a very steady person too, including a steady friend and lover. (I like to think it's one of the benefits of having a relationship with us autistics. 😊 Our "over"-honesty and our rigidity tend to make us consistent.)

I like stories that end with more to come in the characters' lives, and that's how I feel about MDZS. It's clear Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji both have development and learning and change ahead of them. I kind of like that. That their happy ending is the blooming of a space where they can heal and grow beyond their old selves. Maybe because that's the sort of life-chapter-close I always want for myself: one journey's end leaving you ready to start on the next path.

It would've been nice to see that next chapter hinted more strongly, instead of just left open: the absence of indication where WWX and JC's relationship is heading is frustrating to me. Do they seriously never talk again? Like, sure, there's a buildup of many years of trauma, but they could at least acknowledge each other's pain. It feels awkwardly self-indulgent on both their parts.

I do like that we get hints of WangXian's future at least, seeing them living in places besides YSBZC; it seems the hc that they spend part of their time in YSBZC and part of their time traveling and living elsewhere is accurate, and probably for the best lol. I don't know if WWX would ever learn to stop masking completely in social situations and just be his [somewhere between introverted and extroverted?] self, but I can hope.

I think Wei Wuxian going from arrogant, shunning his place in society, chatty as fuck but never says anything real -> basically the same but with LWJ on his side this time is not a good story actually. we were doing so well with the gradual buildup of past revelations and parallels between the senior trio (Lan Xichen-Jin Guangyao-Nie Mingjue) and the succeeding one (LWJ-WWX-JC) but then it all fell apart. there’s a difference between confronting your current self and developing from it vs. ignoring the past and living an idyllic dream.

[gay-snom]

contextualizing lwj’s coming to terms with his feelings subplot!

i wanna talk about the role of confucianism in this subplot because i think it’s something some western fans might not pick up on. basically, the sociopolitical climate of confucianism in his character arc, and a little bit about his interaction with the public image theme.

disclaimer: i’m not chinese but i do have a double minor in chinese and asian studies and have written a few papers on confucianism.

we’re gonna be talking about the novel bc i feel its a little more in-depth and nuanced than lwj’s “what is black, what is white” monologue in cql. namely the tension and misunderstanding in wwx’s first life and how lwj got his scars. i feel like it’s pretty well accepted that wwx made lwj reconsider his world view, so i’m just gonna expand on it. also i want to point out it's pretty unspoken in most of the text, but lwj is also affected by/used to explore the public image themes, as his image the is ideal confucian scholar.

confucianism is centered around the ideas of how to behave “good” in sociopolitical contexts. basically it boils down to a belief system on how society should be run. if everyone follows confucian beliefs, you will have an ideal society. the main text is the Analects, which you can read here. it’s been around for a few thousand years (like around 200 BCE ish), had a huge revival in the tang dynasty (618-907 CE). it was put on imperial exams, the emperor’s cabinet had confucian scholars, etc. this is just to say confucian values are important to historic society, especially upper-class scholars, which seems to be a role cultivators commonly fill in xianxia. here are some basic tenants:

being a gentleman/scholar/superior man (君子 jūn zǐ) : partly being learned in the arts, literature, music, poetry, etc., mostly behaving righteously and dutifully.

filial piety: usually described as obedience. it's not simply obeying everything elders tell you, it includes doing it with reverence and thankfulness for their sacrifices for you.

leading by example: if leaders/the government is righteous, the people will follow. lwj has his flock of juniors that are all strong cultivators and the lan sect is just generally known for being moral and good.

rites/rituals: a focus on politeness and holding proper ceremonies, sacrifices, and funerals

speech: there’s some great meta about the register he speaks in here, i just want to touch on think carefully before you speak, only speak sincerely, etc.

tldr; lwj is THE perfect gentleman (even his title contains the character suffix 君 -jūn, like lxc. which, while this character is not uncommon for cultivator titles, it wasn’t chosen carelessly either. also not to be confused with 尊 -zūn). seriously, look at almost all of book 10 and you'll see don't do/consume in excess, don't talk during meals, sit only when your mat is straight, etc.

okay, so Why is understanding his feelings for wwx so troublesome?

1.2 "They are few who, being filial and fraternal, are fond of offending against their superiors. There have been none, who, not liking to offend against their superiors, have been fond of stirring up confusion... Filial piety and fraternal submission! - are they not the root of all benevolent actions?"

in other words, people who are filial will never create political tension. so like, morally, wwx should be considered horrible person! he’s not only snubbed the jiang sect. he was a head disciple who undoubtedly had younger students looking up to him. and then he goes and stirs up some huge political issues! he is now a bad role model for the people below him and disrespected the people above him. lwj has an entire image to uphold, he has poured his entire life into following these rules and beliefs, and then wwx comes along. would continuing to be in wwx's life taint lwj? there are some contradicting teachings in regards to interacting with wwx:

15.4: "Do not take counsel with those who follow a different Way"

15.28: "When the multitude hates a person, you must examine them and judge for yourself. The same holds true for someone whom the multitude love."

15.36 "When it comes to being Good, defer to no one, not even your teacher."

this is part of the reason lwj had so much trouble accepting his feelings. he didn’t know how to handle this situation, making him appear distant during/directly after sunshot. if he judges wwx's intentions to be pure, it's then not wrong to be friendly with him. but wwx still is morally wrong by society's standards. now, lwj has to not only figure out his feelings, but also reconcile this with how he still thinks wwx is Not a bad person, despite everything. what if he does get "tainted" by wwx? will it hurt the reputation of his sect? that would be un-filial, right? he spent his whole life memorizing rules that are probably extremely similar to sections in the Analects, and now these mixed messages (coupled with the relatable gay panic) are overwhelming.

onto the next! there’s something unspoken in the scene where wwx discovers why lwj has the whip scars. as other posts have mentioned, lwj taking wwx back to the burial mounds and nursing him is high treason. however, this action is also extremely un-filial. also his entire image is built around being a perfect gentleman, if this were to get out to the public he would lose absolutely everything. he would be just as irreparable as wwx.

“I was worried if those from another sect found you first, WangJi would be considered your accomplice. The best scenario was his name being forever tainted, and the worst was his life being taken away right then. Thus, along with Uncle, we chose thirty three seniors who had always thought highly of WangJi... ”

there’s no way lwj didn’t know what would happen if he did this. obviously as lxc says, if this got out, he would lose basically his entire face. and even though lxc didn’t mention this, it would definitely lose a lot of face for the lan sect as well since lwj is so prominent. the decision about what elders to bring is also notable.

“...As if he knew all along he would be discovered by us, he said that there was nothing to explain, that this was it. Growing up, he had never talked back to Uncle, not even once. But for you, not only did WangJi talk back to him, he even met with his sword the cultivators from the Gusu Lan sect...”

so yeah, he obviously knew they would come for him and what the consequences would be. and he still talked back! that’s already not a good look for the lan sect. but attacking them? totally unforgivable! lwj gives up how he was raised and the importance of filial piety, what he has held on to until this major plot event. since it's basically the biggest "fuck you" to his uncle and his clan, this was not a decision he made lightly. lwj shows them he cares more about wwx and His Own ideas of right and wrong than the sect’s or society’s.

Wei WuXian dug his hands into his hair, “...I-I didn’t know... I really...”

when was the last time wwx was at a loss for words? wwx spends a few paragraphs after this lamenting how he hurt lwj, but he's not unaware of the gravity of what lwj did. it's an underlying assumption from being raised in the culture. i would argue his first instinct is "oh god he gave up what for me?" since those lamenting paragraphs are after lxc finishes speaking.

"But he said... that he could not say with certainty whether what you did was right or wrong..."

this is something thrown around a lot in the Analects, that not even confucius can say for sure what is right or wrong. what better way to show lwj is still a perfect confucian than have him paraphrase confucius himself?

“...WangJi was a model for the disciples when he was young, and a prominent cultivator when he grew up. In his whole life he had been honest and righteous and immaculate--you were the only mistake he made!”

here’s the confirmation that the world and even his family thinks of him as a perfect gentleman, the top tier of society, and it was all thrown away for wwx. this is just so heavy. the mistake thing? thats not only because lwj is fraternizing with an enemy. lxc and the rest of the sect who knew are terrified this will forever corrupt lwj personally, not just publicly. lwj was so devoted to believing this was the right thing to do he offered up everything he had. the gravity of this decision is insane. it’s very obvious that he loves wwx, it’s just that he struggles a lot internally to accept everything that is happening.

as for helping wwx leave after the massacre, is this gentleman-ly of lwj? was it actually in-line with his image? is it more honorable to save someone who is dying, at the cost of your own health, than to look away? isn't looking away a form of resentment? i wasn't able to find a specific passage about bystander-ness, but personally i think it qualifies as "bad intentions." there is also this passage for what it's worth, originally it was about government suppression:

12.19: "...What do you say to killing the unprincipled for the good of the principled?" Confucius replied, "...why should you use killing at all?..."

lwj is always more actions than words, and he was not fucking around. his core beliefs really haven't changed, and remain very strong throughout his life. he is still righteous enough to accept his punishment, graceful enough to search for wwx's body since there was no one else to do the funeral rites (10.22/10.15), caring enough to take in a-yuan, upright enough to still spend his years going where the chaos is.

just with this one action, the audience knows he has come to terms with realizing that authority isn't always just, and neither is the public opinion/opinion of other gentlemen. he has reconciled. this is him standing for what he believes is right. this is his devotion. this is his own choice. just. poetic cinema...

anyway that's it for my first meta post! i would love to hear your thoughts, feelings, opinions, discussions, other meta ideas, whatever! thank u for reading! <3

[fixielixie]

okay so shen jiu and jiang cheng's names get thrown together sometimes when discussing mxtx antagonists and i just wanna put my two cents into it bc i have opinion. im gonna start of that i like shen jius character better than jiang chengs, not in the fact that im like "omg he's such a good guy" but as in i personally find him more interesting (yes even with how little og!shen qingqiu content we get) aka im probably gonna be biased.

so first things first, shen jiu is a worse person than jiang cheng. i mean i dont think i need to go into details as to why, and a lot of the reasons why shen jiu is worse is because he's smarter and has more of a reason to be a shitty person, which makes him dangerous.

but their biggest differences is that shen jiu is completely self-aware, he knows exactly how shitty he is AND he doesnt regret any of his shitty actions. in the 79 extras, sj even says that he was born wicked and twisted. and to be fair to him, he never really does anything to mask it. he publicly abuses luo binghe more than the rest of his disciples, he allows others to bully him. he favours the female disciples because of his hatred from nearly all men. he's never actually subtle in his shittiness.

meanwhile, jiang cheng would murder your friend if he thinks he had a good enough reason for it, not explain that reason, and then try to blame wei wuxian for why he did it. he thinks he's righteous in his actions, even though nothing he does is at all justified. he genuinely thinks he's a good person who's been wrongly hurt by a cruel world.

shen jiu, in PIDW when binghe comes back from the abyss, is not a redeemable character but mostly because he doesnt want to be redeemed. i think if ygy had found shen jiu quicker, or he hadnt be sold as a slave to a literal psychopath, he could have had a chance to only be a vaguely shitty person who maybe made too many snide comments. jiang cheng on the other hand has never been self aware in his life, i mean he had 13 years to come to terms with the fallout of his and wwxs relationship but spent most of his time obsessing over him like a maniac. and you can exactly be redeemed if you dont think you need to be in the first place

[ouyangzizhensdad]

What keeps stumping me is this: LWJ takes WWX to the Cloud Recesses to protect him from JC, then, when they leave with the arm, he keeps dragging him back when WWX tries to escape to, again, protect him from JC... But then, after the Xinglu Ridge, he lets him go and trusts that WWX will meet him back at the inn. Why? And anyway, what was he planning to do, drag WWX around all his life? He had duties, he couldn't have followed WWX himself to provide protection, so it would have been exactly [1/2]

that — dragging him around or leaving him shielded behind the walls of the Cloud Recesses. In theory, if "MXY" became a Lan disciple, JC couldn't have touched him... But LWJ knew who "MXY" was and that WWX would mostly refuse, like he did multiple times before. It's great that after WWX realizes LWJ doesn't intend to harm or punish him, he goes along willingly — but what if he didn't? What then? JC was still out there, after all. [2/2]

Hi anon,

I think it's a little bit of a stretch to imagine LWJ's plan was to just keep 'dragging' WWX along forever. They arrived in the CR, spent one night there, and the next day LWJ was busy with the arm which was of course a priority. What would have happened if the Lans had been able to suppress the resentful energy of the arm on that day, and LWJ had not felt the responsibility to leave to solve the mystery? It's hard to say. But now that they were in a place that was safe, and that there wouldn't have been another matter that would have taken priority, I don't think it's far fetched to believe that LWJ would have discussed things with WWX or put into place a way to bring him to a safe place outside of the CR if he did not want to stay. Considering his grief over his mother, and her situation, as well as his care for WWX’s welfare, I’m wary to believe his gameplan could ever be just ‘guess I’ll keep WWX in the CR, even if against his will, forever, bc jc is out there’.

I think it's important as well to remember that regardless of LWJ's motives, WWX does not choose to remain with him because of the protection LWJ can provide him, or simply because he suddenly decided to trust him out of a single demonstration of trustworthiness.

Even before they left the CR, WWX's words and actions revealed he was attached to and protective of LWJ--even as a crisis is occurring, his thoughts keep going back to LWJ, and whether he is okay:

When the bell of the watchtower started ringing on its own, it only meant one thing—that an accident happened to the people performing the summoning ritual inside. [...]

Seeing that Lan Wangji did not appear, Wei Wuxian had a foreboding feeling. If Lan Wangji were still in the Cloud Recesses, he would have hurried over immediately, as he heard the alarming chimes of the bell, unless…

Suddenly, the black door burst open with a bang. A white-clothed disciple rushed outside, staggering and stumbling.

[...]

Wei Wuxian grabbed his hand at once, speaking in a low voice, “Which being’s spirit are you summoning? Who else is inside? Where’s Hanguang-jun?!”

It seemed as if the disciple had trouble breathing, “Hanguang-jun told me to run away…”

[...]With the hastily created bamboo flute still by his waist, he went up the stairs in just a few strides. He kicked the door of the mingshi and commanded, “Open!”

WWX is the one who offers to go with LWJ, but of course we know it was because he thought it would be an opportunity to get away.

The few nodded, “Okay! Are you going to travel down the mountain?”

Lan Wangji gave a slight nod. Wei Wuxian had already stealthily shifted behind him, talking to himself in a loud, cheerful way, “Yes, yes, yes, we can finally get off this mountain and elope together!”

[...] Wei Wuxian originally wanted to sneak away during their expedition off the mountain. However, even though he attempted to run away multiple times, it always ended with Lan Wangji carrying him back with one hand holding the back of his collar. He changed his strategy, sticking to Lan Wangji as hard as he could. At night, especially, he would persistently climb into Lan Wangji’s bed, with the intention that Lan Wangji would become disgusted and use his sword to throw him away. Despite this, no matter how hard he messed around, Lan Wangji steadily stood his ground. Whenever Wei Wuxian wriggled into his blankets, he would use a light slap to make Wei Wuxian’s body rigid, and then stuff him into the other set of blankets in a proper position, where he would remain until daylight broke. Wei Wuxian suffered a ton of losses and complaint about his sore body after he woke up. He could not help but think: Now that he grew up, he also became less fun than before. In the past, he would become shy whenever he was teased, not to mention that he did it in quite an amusing way. But now, not only does he remain unmovable no matter what, he even learned how to counterattack. How can this be?!

However, in the same chapter, as they have spent more time together, WWX starts hating the idea of being separated from LWJ, although he cannot yet put into words why he feels this way:

After walking for some distance, Wei Wuxian unintentionally turned around and looked. Lan Wangji was behind him, still standing at the same place, staring toward his direction.

Wei Wuxian could not help but slow his footsteps.

He could not tell why, but he vaguely felt that he should not walk so fast, should not be leaving Lan Wangji behind like this.

We can also to a degree concur that WWX already feels safe enough around LWJ to seek him as a source of safety and comfort when faced with a dog, which happens a lot during the Xinglu Ridge arc, to the point that he unconsciously calls for him when JC sics Fairy on him while LWJ is away. WWX is also protective of LWJ in his own way even at that point:

Wei Wuxian immediately understood whose name he had unconsciously called out.

“It really is quite curious how far he went to protect you,” Jiang Cheng smiled menacingly, “back on Dafan Mountain.”

A moment later, he corrected himself, “No. You weren’t necessarily the one whom Lan Wangji was protecting. After all, the GusuLan Sect couldn’t have forgotten what you did with that loyal dog of yours. How could someone so celebrated for his righteousness tolerate the likes of you? Maybe he’s familiar with this body that you stole instead.”

His words were cruel and sinister. Every sentence seemed well-meaning on the surface, but was actually derogatory. Wei Wuxian could not bear with it any longer.

“Watch your language.”

“I’ve never cared for such things, don’t you remember?” Jiang Cheng responded,

“Oh, right.” Wei Wuxian mocked.

Although WWX tells LWJ that he would meet him back after they separated, he could have easily chosen not to do it. After all, compared to all the tricks he tried to flee before, it would have been nothing to go back on this 'promise'. He was in a forest, at night, where no one but JL knew he was. He could have left at any time. And when LWJ left, he knew this--that WWX would potentially not come back, hence why his expression is so shaken after having waited hours for WWX to return (now we can wonder how long he would have stayed on that bridge, waiting, hoping). But, again, solving the mystery of the arm took priority over ensuring WWX's safety (and, considering WWX managed to be discovered and taken by JC during these few hours, it's not like his fears were unfounded).

While WWX seems to realise that LWJ is on his side, there is no big moment of thinking "he doesn't want to punish/harm me". Likewise, there is no considerations of how JC could be looking for him after his escape and the dangers inherent in that. It seems almost like another unconscious decision.

He had always thought that Jiang Cheng would be on his side, and Lan Wangji on the side opposite to him. He could never have imagined that things would turn out so differently.

Wei Wuxian walked toward the rendezvous point where he and Lan Wangji were supposed to meet. Nobody walked among the sparse lights that flickered in the night. Without having to look around, a white-robed figure stood at the end of the street, standing motionless with his head hung low.

In conclusion, WWX would have never stayed alongside LWJ (or anyone else for that matter) simply for protection. As well, it is extremely unlikely that LWJ's thought process at this point of the narrative was 'I'll just drag WWX along for the rest of our lives''--but that the arm took priority over resolving the conundrum around WWX's safety, and that indeed, when the situation presented itself, he put first what I'll call his night hunting duties for a lack of a better term while taking the risk that WWX would decide to leave on his own. Is it the most 'healthy' way of approaching the situation? Honestly, I don't care. Instead I think it’s much more important to wonder: is it coherent with the characterisation, the characters' motivations and the unfolding of the plot?

[agendratum]

OK so, i wanted to put my two cents in on these two topics:

1. the statement i once saw, made by someone, who, i’m not sure, was reading the same novel as i am. it went somewhere along these lines: “the novel implies that in his first life wei wuxian wasn’t interested in lan wangji or even in men at all”

2. the general idea that wei wuxian (specifically novel!wwx, i mean, obv all of this is just about novel!wwx or novel!lwj) is oblivious dummy, who can’t see what’s happening in front of his own nose, doesn’t understand not only lwj’s feelings towards him, but also not even self-aware enough to understand his own 

(idk if it was obvious from my previous posts on this website, but i’m a wei wuxian apologist so you should probably know that before i proceed)

i’m gonna quote the paragraph that prompted me to think about all this, it’s worded a bit differently in russian, but the point still stands:

Although in the past few days, he felt that Lan WangJi probably regarded him highly and differently from other people, he’d never dared to guess just how ‘highly’ it was or if ‘differently’ was the kind that he thought. Wei WuXian never thought of being confident as bad, and in fact prided himself on such a thought. Legends often gossiped about the YiLing Patriarch’s allegedly amorous life, but in reality, he’d never experienced such hectic feelings before. He used to think that Lan WangJi was too easy of a person to understand, but things were different now. He feared that he was the only one who thought of them that way, that it was all his own wishful thinking, that he was too confident for his own good.

lets start with the first statement and go waay back in time. first of all, the idea that wei wuxian wasn’t interested in lan wangji is kinda ridiculous to me, as this boy spent the entire time he was in gusu summer camp trying to get lan wangji’s attention, annoy him into friendship with him, he gifted him rabbits goddamnit. he had a whole fanclub of boys going on in gusu summer camp, he had girls in the nearby town swoon by him, and yet he focused his attention on lan wangji, but clearly he wasn’t interested, right. 

and then during sunshot they kept arguing and having bad experiences with each other, and yet wei wuxian couldn’t stop himself from being drawn to lan wangji, initiating conversation, that situation with the headband, that time he invited him to the inn. considering that every one of their encounters would end pretty badly, there was no reason for him to try again and again to build that friendship that he told himself wasn’t even possible. and yet he kept trying, and then in yiling he invited lan wangji to have a dinner with him, but of course he wasn’t interested. 

second of all, and it kinda bothers me a lot, actually, he wasn’t interested in men in his first life? yeah no shit. for starters, how old was he? 15? 17? you know, not all of us came to terms with our sexuality when we were digging up shit in a sandbox. it can happen later. it can happen much later. but what caught my attention in that paragraph i quoted above “but in reality, he’d never experienced such hectic feelings before.” was wei wuxian not interested in men in his first life? sure! according to the novel, he also wasn’t much interested in women! was it ever a consideration, that perhaps, for a teenager going through war and also shitload of other terrible events, romantic endeavors might have not been a priority? sure, he had an image, he had a reputation of a shameless dumbass to protect, but do we not know it was a pretence? it’s almost like characters like nie huaisang don’t exist. 

but also specifically for a teenager who was already experiencing his first crush, that he didn’t acknowledge much, because, once again, he had a lot of other shit to worry about

this brings me not very smoothly to the second statement. and i wanna start by giving some more credit to wei wuxian (who isn’t as dumb as he sometimes seems) and take some credit from lan wangji (who is a bit dumber than i thought he is), which brings them to the same level of idiots in love. 

wei wuxian doesn’t understand what lan wangji is feeling towards him. yeah. to be fair, adult lan wangji did a lot of things, some of which were more obvious than the others. but lan wangji wasn’t always like that. if i recall correctly, he spent almost the entirety of gusu summer camp rejecting wwx’s attempts in friendship, being an asshole and just plain rude (yes, wwx also was rude, but still) (yes, on the inside lan wangji was panicking in gay, but on the outside he was Just Rude, and WE know that, wei wuxian doesn’t). in the cave? lan wangji is overwhelmed and once again kinda rude to wwx, and he bites him, and again, WE know that lwj is probably going through a lot, wei wuxian knows less. moreover, later in the novel there is some more context given to why wei wuxian reacted like that to being bitten by lan wangji, our guy is straight up scared of being bitten, because he associates biting with dogs. they both were having kinda a shit time in that cave and i can’t blame them. during sunshot lan wangji was constantly arguing with wei wuxian and pretty openly dissaproving of his ways that he didn’t understand for obvious reasons. none of this says “i’m your friend and also i’m in love with you and i’m not actually trying to control you or reject you, i just don’t know what else to do”

and every time lan wangji would master his bravery to do something that would make his feelings more obvious, he would do it while wei wuxian couldn’t possible know that lan wangji was doing it. (e.g. singing wangixan to him in the cave while wei wuxian is out of it because of the fever, kissing him while he’s blindfolded). and the last chance in wwx’s first life that lwj got to confess his feelings, wei wuxian was simply not in the state to remember it or even process what was happening at all. 

coming back to his second life, wei wuxian actually becomes aware of his own feelings. not immediately, but dude was just dead like a few days ago, give him some time. and it’s not that he doesn’t notice that adult lan wangji now treats him differently, and certainly not how he treats anyone else, wei wuxian is straight up just afraid, without a direct conformation, that he’s still misunderstanding something. and taking in consideration all that i said previously, i can’t blame him. if any of these two could actually use their words, and ask questions they wanted to ask, this whole mess could have been avoided. but lan wangji can’t be direct (he doesn’t want to impose), and wei wuxian can’t trust indirect hints (he puts lan wangji way above himself and doesn’t believe hanguang-jun could get down to “his level”). 

and so they operate on this perfectly dysfunctional system of “i’ll just carry on with my own agenda, hoping for nothing in return” and also:

wwx: i’ll get him drunk (if he wants to get drunk) to just ask a few questions that i can’t ask while he’s sober

lwj: i’ll get drunk to be a little bit more free around wei ying, as i can’t be like that while i’m sober and i won’t remember it anyway

and, surprise, it doesn’t help their understanding of each other’s feelings. it doesn’t mean that wei wuxian is that oblivious, it just mean that things can’t work out like that, you need to TALK sometimes. (i didn’t get there yet, but thank god for lan xichen). in fact, that terrible system of communication makes things worse and i’m pretty sure the novel is being very clear that it wants you too to understand that it makes things worse.

their terrible inability to communicate properly results into that chapter that i just read. they operate in the previously learned patterns: wei wuxian buys alcohol, cause he wants to ask lan wangji this important question, lan wangji gets drunk, cause he doesn’t want to be present in this reality (relatable) (drinking to forget is bad, kids), and shit goes down. 

wei wuxian doesn’t want to take advantage of drunk lan wangji, but then he gets carried way, and drunk lan wangji gets carried away and things happen. and by the end of it, both sober, they BOTH think that they forced the other one to do something he didn’t want to do and they both feel terrible about that. (once again, i’m pretty sure that the novel is very clear about how it’s actually bad to have sex with someone blackout drunk) so wei wuxian ends up thinking that he took advantage oh lan wangji who wasn’t in control of himself, lan wangji thinks that he lost control of himself and took advantage of wei wuxian who didn’t protest out of gratitude to lan wangji (his worst fear, btw). 

i got slightly carried away from my original topic, but it just pisses me off that someone looks at this and really thinks that the novel is glorifying this behaviour or whatever. it’s terrible, they both feel terrible, the novel is yelling at them to talk instead of getting drunk and fucking. 

so yeah, wei wuxian isn’t that oblivious. but that situation doesn’t clear anything out, actually, because by the end of the day lan wangji sobers up, and wei wuxian sees his reaction to what happened, which was not a good reaction, and how is he supposed to understand lan wangji’s thought process correctly if he never says anything?  so wei wuxian ends up thinking that yeah, he gave in to his own wishful thinking, and terribly terribly fucked up (i mean, he did fuck up, but not as much as he thinks). 

idk how to end this so i just hope my point came across as i intended it and i’m just glad it’s all out

[wangxiangiftexchange]

Lunar New Year Gift for vedrividia!

Pairing: Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji; past Wei Wuxian/Other (implied) Rating: Mature Warnings: brief depiction of sexual harassment, brief instance of misgendering, implied/referenced past suicide attempt, implied/referenced past sexual assault (off-screen), implied/referenced past forced pregnancy (off screen), implied/referenced underage sex & pregnancy (off-screen), alcoholism, coming out, implied/referenced homophobia Other Tags: trans male character, disabled character, gay male character, open ending, unreliable narrator, angst, tender, chance meeting, confession, reunion, character with incomplete spinal cord injury, iSCI, it probably sounds darker than it is

Summary: On the last eve before spring Wei Ying finds himself at the end of a road. What awaits him on the other side depends on the steps he takes to cross it. Someone walks beside him.

Disclaimer: I am neither Chinese, trans nor disabled. All of the portrayal in this fic is based on research. It's not my intent to offend and I'm open to critique as long as it's respectful and constructive. Wei Ying's journey is his own and does not represent all of the disabled or trans community. The fic is set in a world that closely resembles ours, but where corona never happened and maybe China's laws are just a little less restrictive (but still very phobic), so bear that in mind. I do not own any of the characters.

Notes - Beginning: The idea of trans male Wei Ying had been stuck in my head for a while now, and I've been wanting to try my hand at a trans story, because I've never done that before. This assignment was an opening to do that in a darker, more serious setting. I have also wanted to explore Wei Ying's suicidal issues while translating his story into a modern setting for some time (it was supposed to be a coffee shop AU, only the coffee shop never appeared hah). It was simultaneously hard and fun to write, and I'm grateful for it. @vedrividia​, I hope you like it!

In the past I didn't feel like I could do a good job at representing anyone of an identity I couldn't quite empathize with. Since then I've surrounded myself with trans inclusive media, and followed transgender blogs and channels, and I hope that this fic does right by all of them.

I am aware of some of the potentially problematic topics, but I also didn't want to ignore all the challenges and abuse and trauma that trans folk are forced to endure on a daily basis. (Did you know that trans people have some of the highest suicide rates, and likely to have alcohol issues? Making everyone happy and nothing hurt felt all kinds of wrong knowing that.) I believe that representing both - an ideal world alongside the real and flawed one - is important.

Positive stories are also important - this is one. Or at least I hope I was able to make it one.

On a more cheerful note, there are pictures that served as an inspiration for this story, namely this photoset (especially the pic in the leather jacket, the one on the couch and the close up) done in faceapp by a genius, this brain-frying picture, and of course this picture from the Harper's Bazaar Photoshoot that none of us are over. I completely blame Xiao Zhan's androgyny.

Last but not least, I owe a massive thanks to Laura for the amazing beta they did on a rather short notice and brought this fic to another level. Thank you for your hard work!!! :)

End notes: Wei Ying has an incomplete spinal cord injury in the lumbar area (at L1 or L2). I didn't realize that I played myself when I gave him an incomplete injury, because the lack of references and information is in terms of quantity a total opposite to everything available on complete SCI. Which in turn made the telling of such a story feel even more important. If any of you know of a good resource for the daily life of people with iSCI, I'm all ears.

Even researching the walking aides was a challenge, since most information is on wheelchair dependent people, which Wei Ying is not. He has a wheelchair but he refuses to use it, for several reasons, one of them being image, another being worry of atrophy. He likes a good walk, and there's progress thanks to physical therapy, most of which is covered by insurance. I was debating an exoskeleton/brace for him, but from what I gathered they aren't really useful for SCI (I welcome any additional info about this), and those that would be cost a ton and aren't covered by insurance - which is a big factor for Wei Ying. The toss ended up being between forearm crutches and a walking frame, but in the end I decided on crutches, because it seemed like Wei Ying would prefer them? For now? With crutches he can pretend, and I also didn't know to what extent a walking frame would be insurance covered (in China), and whether he'd be at a point where he would accept one. (I imagine the simple ones would be covered by insurance, the question is whether they make a huge difference to crutches, and whether a rollator - with wheels and a seat is something that would count as 'necessary' in this case.)

However, once again, I am not adequately educated on all that goes into the decision making here. No one ever mentions things like these in success stories. In the end I left it as a room for future development. I'm pretty sure Wen Qing is trying to convince him to get one.

I was debating whether to tag dysphoria. While it is not explicitly stated in the fic, Wei Ying does experience it, although this has gotten better since he realized being trans, came out and started testosterone. His decision to not transition fully is one that many trans people make at a point in their lives, for any number of reasons. This does not mean he'll never change his mind, or won't explore other forms of expression. It's a choice that the current Wei Ying is making, completely independent of future Wei Ying.

It's possible in China to get a gender confirmation surgery, but the requirements sound like a nightmare. The first thing you have to do is get diagnosed with 'gender disorder', be five years in (unsuccessful) therapy for it, at least 20 and unmarried. If he decides to transition fully to a male presenting body he can only marry someone who is biologically female in the future, under Chinese law. (Imagine having to divorce your significant other in order to be who you are. Imagine having to make this decision. It makes me want to write fic about it.)

It also costs a ton, as none of it is covered by insurance. You can only start hormone therapy in order to get surgery, which leads a lot of trans people to acquire hormones illegally and without medical counseling. I purposefully did not decide where Wei Ying gets his T from. I didn't want him to not have it, but I left the how undecided. For the most part I headcanon it as one of the things that make my world a little different, since hormone therapy is a thing that exists outside of transitioning as well. E.g. many female athletes use testosterone to boost their performance, and many other women take it for various medical reasons. I feel like WWX could find ways to acquire some. Now, whether this would be legal or not is left open.

By the way? Never, EVER deadname. Just don't. The moment someone comes out to you as trans, tells you their pronouns and name, that's what you use. You forget everything that came prior to that, wipe it out of your memory, it's ashes on the sands of time unless stated otherwise BY THEM, got it?

Now, Wei Ying's case. I was hesitant about how to approach this, but from the start I knew two things. I wanted the same kind of intimacy of WWX & LWJ calling each other by their birth names as in canon, but I also didn't want to go the way most authors go in this case i.e. splitting the names to pre- and post- transition. It is my understanding that most Chinese names are unisex (if anyone has more info on this, I'd love to have it), or can be used for all genders, and I didn't want to force a gender issue where there wasn't one. However, I also wanted something parallel that could be used in a similar way. What I came up with is what you see in text. While Wei Ying did change his name, the only reason why it's still somewhat okay to use 'Wuxian' is because he explicitly says he likes it. In fact, in my head somewhere in the imagined future of this verse, he and JFM have a conversation about it where JFM tells him if he wants it, it can still be his name - he didn't give it to an image, but a person. IDK how well any of this works, or translates to actual trans or Chinese (or trans and Chinese) people, so if you have words for me, let me know.

On a side note, in 2015 China lifted the one-child policy in favor of a two-child policy. A-Yuan was born in 2017.

Wei Ying attempted suicide between the 4th and 8th week of his pregnancy. During the early weeks the probability of a fetus surviving a major fall (even a fall from stairs) is significantly higher than later in the pregnancy, and the scaffolding he jumped from wasn't actually that high. I'm also considering that there might have been something to cushion the fall that he hadn't noticed (a stray rope, or a net) or been aware of (like padding on the stage), but that's a detail I decided to leave to your imagination. On the other hand, sustaining a SCI during early pregnancy is likely to have fatal consequences, as I found out a week before the deadline. In the end, they both got very lucky. Wei Ying spent the next 3 months in a coma. When he woke up it was too late to terminate. Jiang Fengmian had been adamant that the decision not be made without Wei Ying's consent, which was nice of him, but also ended up making the decision for Wei Ying regardless.

Last but not least, if you've read this and feel like you have something to add, I love any kind of comments, whether you wanna review the fic, have some useful information for me, would like to discuss a point or just like to say hi! :)

*****

Transverse

If asked, Wei Ying wouldn't have remembered how he had gotten to the bar. He didn't remember taking a different route on the short walk back home, he hadn't even been aware there was a bar in the first place. He only remembered suddenly standing in front of it, aching to his bones, limbs leaden with a familiar exhaustion, morose and longing for nothing more than a little break. His back was on fire, his leg was throbbing, the skin underneath his binder wouldn’t stop itching and to top it off his stomach had been cramping in a way it wasn't supposed to anymore. His body had decided to give him a wonderful gift for the holiday. Wei Ying wouldn't wish this on his worst enemy, and that spoke volumes to anyone who knew who occupied that position.

Needless to say, he was desperate for a drink.

The bar was almost empty so early in the afternoon, and shortly before the holiday, all the regulars had likely gone home to see their families. It was the time of reunions, the golden week of spring knocking on the door. The whole town looked empty, seemingly asleep and abuzz at the same time, a strange kind of liminal space born in the atmosphere of the coming celebrations, quiet with contained impatience. He had been painfully aware of it the entire week, the turning of another year leaving him nothing to do but watch people go where Wei Ying couldn't return anymore.

The Lunar New Year always made him hurt worse than usual, in more ways than purely physical. Wei Ying had felt that strange air peak today, even in the confines of his tiny office at the back of the Pacific Coffee branch he had been working at for a little over two months. It was a tiny thing on the busiest street of their small town, smelling of comfort in the wee hours of the morning and of salvation late in the evening. The staff had needed support with handling the supply chain, so that they could focus on serving the staggering amount of customers that came in all day.

It had seemed perfect when Wei Ying had first limped inside on his forearm crutches, with a letter of recommendation, feeling smaller than an ant but significantly less tough. The reintegration program had been a lifeline thrown to a drowning man when he had first heard about it. It had been the opportunity to restart his life. Earn an income. Be independent. In time maybe even repay his friends for the kindness they had shown when he had nowhere to go. Now? Now he wasn't sure that he'd still have a job after the holiday was over.

"This really can't go on," his boss had said, midway through the most gruesome shift the shop had ever witnessed. "Half the supplies came in wrong, for the third time this week!"

Sometimes, Wei Ying wondered why he still bothered. He could probably survive on aid and love for himself, and the Wens made enough to take care of the rest. It just… It could have been nice. To be the one to take care of the people he cared about, for a change.

He really needed that drink.

The whiskey looked enticing from where he was half-sitting, half-leaning on a stool, crutches stashed between his legs. He could almost taste it, the phantom of the sharp flavor burning his tongue.

"Hi, darling." An unfamiliar voice startled him out of his thoughts, causing him to tense. He had been aware of the middle-aged man at the counter, but he hadn't been paying him much attention until now. "Can I buy you a drink? How about Sex on the Beach?"

It was difficult to control himself at that tasteless, juvenile joke. Wei Ying could almost taste the bile rising in his throat and the beginnings of what would no doubt become a pounding headache throbbing in his temples. Great. Just what he had needed.

The whiskey bottle called out to him again, beckoning him to the bitter burn.

A drink. That was what he needed - a drink.

Do you really? Need it? The voice of his therapist came to his mind, sudden and uninvited.

"Hey bartender!" The man called out in the most unwelcome case of accidental telepathy in the history of mankind, sneaking one arm around Wei Ying’s waist, a sweaty hand settling on his hip. "One Sex on the Beach for the miss, on my tab!"

There was the rising bile again, tension squeezing his muscles, and the flash of a haughty smirk at the furthest back of his mind. This wasn't what he wanted. None of it. Neither the touch nor the drink, no matter what his mind wanted to convince him of.

It's easier to need than the things that take hard work, the ones you have to earn. It had taken him a long time to admit that.

"I don't drink." Wei Ying said, angling his head as much as the muscles of his neck permitted to look at the guy invading his personal space squarely. "Remove your hand now."

The guy bristled.

"Hey, chill out, sweetheart." He was quick to regain his composure with an awkward laugh and not enough common sense. Wei Ying supposed he must have been used to rejection. Too bad. "You're so tense… Maybe a virgin cocktail then."

His crutch shot up before the full sentence was out.

The man stumbled back with a startled yelp as the rubber point connected with his chest in a sharp jab.

"Hey! What's your problem?!"

"I said I don't drink." Wei Ying was completely unapologetic, still holding his crutch like a sword, but the guy was already walking away, muttering ‘fucking bitch’ under his breath.

"You alright there, girl?"

His gut clenched at the words.

He looked up to meet the only slightly worried, but otherwise unbothered gaze of the bartender and told himself it wasn't her fault. She probably wasn't even aware. He knew he didn't… There was no way for him to pass. There was nothing he could do about that, had already decided not to, not at this time, not in this country. Wei Ying didn't expect people to know on sight. He didn't. It didn't change the fact though that every single misnomer felt like someone was peeling his skin off.

"I'm not a girl," he said to her almost too quietly, but he knew she heard when he met her gaze. A strained silence passed between them in which Wei Ying watched her frown in confusion, then sputter with the loss of words, before awkwardly shuffling off. He smiled wryly. How funny. It really wasn't anything complicated, and yet… So few were able to comprehend.

Wordlessly, Wei Ying slid off the stool and made his way out of the bar as quick as his crutches let him be.

Once outside, the crisp air mercilessly purifying, he realized how close to the edge he had gotten once again. He had to stop doing this. He couldn't afford another fall, another spiral back down the drain. Not when he had just clawed his way out. Not when he had people depending on him now. Tiny people with curious gray eyes, so much like his own. Waiting for him at home.

Something icy touched his face and instinctively he looked up only to find it snowing.

That explained the ache.

The cold always made him feel sore, although he knew at least some of it was phantom pain. He hadn’t retained a whole lot of feeling in his left leg, beyond a tingle that had become almost constant and the occasional twitch. His right leg was fine, it just tended to ache a lot, to a point where Wei Ying sometimes found himself wishing it wasn't better off than the other one. But then he wouldn't get away with 'forgetting' his wheelchair at home, so he quickly dismissed that thought. Besides, there were plenty of people who had it worse. He, at least, could still walk. He could still stand. Kinda. He had no room to complain.

After all, he had done this to himself.

'It's better this way.' He remembered thinking, standing on the top of the catwalk stairs backstage of the high school auditorium. 'A-jie, Jiang Cheng,… Lan Zhan. I'm sorry for the trouble I've caused you. I love you. I'll get out of your hair now.'

In the end it had been easy to tip backwards and let himself fall.

Waking up had been the hard part. Not only had he failed, but every reason that had pushed him to end it all had only been made worse. Worse still, after. He had lived though, so that was that. There was no utility in regret. He couldn't go back. The only way was forward now, step by painful step. Standing around and staring at the snow falling was nice, but it wouldn't make the walk shorter. Home wasn't far away. He'd take it slow. He'd be there before he knew it.

He barely took three steps before he felt someone's broad shoulder bump against his, his equilibrium yanked roughly from under his feet.

He remembered falling.

Not the act of it, nor every thought and feeling that preceded it, but he remembered the soft pressure at his skull as he tipped backwards, the endless instant of the free fall, a moment frozen in time. Not the impact, but the inevitability of it, coming, coming, almost there. The loss of control. The frightening, exhilarating realization of his absolute surrender. Not the oblivion that followed but the fragments of muddled awareness afterwards. Disorientation, rock bottom and the overwhelming sense of failure.

It had felt nothing like now.

He felt the loss of ground beneath his feet, the scrape of concrete against his palms, as he all but starfished onto the pavement. A sharp pain. The frustrated annoyance of another thing gone wrong in the long list that made up the day.

Only the failure felt the same, funny that.

"I'm sorry!" Said a deep voice. "I wasn't looking."

"Yeah, no shit." He chuckled, because really, who could have guessed.

"Here, let me help." There were hands on his arm, just as he propped himself up, but he yanked it away.

"I'm fine!" He wasn't helpless. He wasn't, dammit! He had his arms, his abdominals, and most of his legs. Getting up from the ground wasn't such a herculean task for him as for those who depended on a wheelchair. He didn't have to call an ambulance just because he starfished. He didn't need any help at all here, especially not the help of some ditzy stranger with their head in the clouds…

"Wei Ying?"

Wei Ying froze.

Few people on this Earth called him that, and none of them had a voice like that. He looked up to see glowing amber on a face carved out of a dream.

"Lan Zhan?"

Of all the people to be in town today of all days, the least likely would have to be Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan, his former senior, Lan Zhan, his best friend. Lan Zhan, whom he had told his secrets, Lan Zhan, who he… who he…

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan… Can I kiss you? I understand you don't like me that way, and it's fine, I'm fine, really, but… uhm… It's supposed to be special. The first kiss. I… I want it to be yours. Just one kiss." A child he barely remembered had wanted and wanted, never satisfied. "Ah, it's okay if you don't want to. I get it. It's fine. I'm just being selfish."

But that had been a long time ago. A person he didn't know, a past life that had never truly been. Not for him in any case.

Lan Zhan was looking at him like a ghost had appeared in front of him.

Although, ghosts didn't need crutches. Honestly, Wei Ying did wish he could float quite frequently.

Face twisted in sardonic amusement at that childish wish, he pulled himself up with some maneuvering and a lot of effort. This seemed to wake Lan Zhan from his daze as he quickly followed. Wei Ying didn't miss the sweeping gaze as his once friend took him in, wondering what he saw. A stranger, perhaps? A new person? Him? Wei Ying knew he hadn't changed much on the outside, aside the obvious and maybe in his weight distribution, but Lan Zhan had always had the ability to look past the surface. Was he still able to do that? Or was he just taking in his appearance, assessing his matted, worn out body that seemed to show every year that had passed multiplied by ten? Wei Ying was aware that time had not been the kindest to him, but he was hanging on. He was past the worst now. He was doing better. He was!

He wondered if Lan Zhan still could see that too.

"Wei Ying." His name again, spoken with enough wonder to give Wei Ying the courage to meet his gaze. There was an unspoken question in it.

"Yeah," Wei Ying answered and felt the cusp of a smile pull at the corners of his lips. "Long time no see, Lan Zhan. Fancy meeting you here."

"I really like you, Lan Zhan," the person he didn't know had said, red faced with embarrassment and a shaking voice. "I mean like… like like."

Back then he had believed that moment to be the most nerve-wracking experience he was ever going to survive. Today he missed his naivety.

Lan Zhan gave him a look like he just realized it was really Wei Ying standing in front of him. Like he still could barely believe it. It unraveled a completely different ache in Wei Ying. They had been close once, and though they had always shared their secrets, Wei Ying had seen him so open and unguarded but once.

"I...like...boys," had been the answer. The refusal so, so gentle, unable to accept, thus giving something of equal value in return instead. A truth for a truth, a secret for a secret. "Wei Ying, I'm gay."

Lan Zhan, always figuring things out so quickly, always willing to accept reality no matter how hard it was. Wei Ying hadn't known back then. If he had known… Who knew what would have been then. It didn't matter anymore. It was a life long gone. What remained of it were a few good memories, some of them he wasn't sure were real.

Now, chance had made them cross paths once again, at a liminal space transversing through time.

"Are you hurt?" Lan Zhan's voice brought him back from his thoughts, and Wei Ying looked where he was reaching for his scraped hands and knees.

Lan Zhan, always the same Lan Zhan… "Not selfish."

So wonderful and kind and warm.

"Eh, I'm fine. Nothing Wen Qing can't fix." He brushed his former friend off, noticing how Lan Zhan's eyebrow seemed to go up infinitesimally at the mention of his old classmate and promptly changed the subject. "What brings you to Yiling, Lan Zhan? Shouldn't you be with your family for Chun Jie?"

"I…" Lan Zhan looked away. "Didn't get an earlier flight."

That sounded suspicious, especially since the Lan Zhan Wei Ying knew liked to plan ahead. But Wei Ying wasn't the same he had been, maybe Lan Zhan wasn't either. People were allowed to change. It also didn't answer what he was doing in Yiling in the first place, but Wei Ying wasn't forcing him to tell. Wei Ying had never wanted to force Lan Zhan into anything, he wasn't going to start now.

"Wei Ying." Lan Zhan looked at him again, this time meeting his eyes squarely. He paused. "How have you been?"

Wei Ying felt the loom of a shadow over him, and his gaze dropped to the ground for a second.

"As you can see." He put a reassuring smile on his face as he summoned enough will to hold Lan Zhan's gaze. "Still alive and kicking."

Which was probably much more than the last time Lan Zhan had heard of him.

"I was looking for you. I wanted to see you. After." The what remained unspoken. Lan Zhan's kind heart hadn't changed. Wei Ying sought comfort in it, warmed by the thought of his best friend trying to get in touch even after everything went to hell. "I was told you… left."

Wei Ying made a soft sound of affirmation through the small smile that had spread on his face. "I moved out on my eighteenth birthday. Aunt Yu… I was supposed to stay till graduation, but... ah. I fucked up. Colossally."

"Wei Ying." Lan Zhan remained the only person Wei Ying knew who managed to frown without a single crease on his face. "You were recovering."

"It was fine, Lan Zhan." Wei Ying chuckled even as he held back a sigh. Lan Zhan didn't know half of it. "I moved in with the Wens."

There was a pause.

"With Wen Qing?" Lan Zhan asked and Wei Ying realized that small detail wouldn't have been immediately clear to him, all things considered.

"With Wen Qing and her family." He nodded. After a moment of thought he added. "Not Wen Chao. I know nothing about that douchebag."

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed and it sounded so wholehearted that it startled a laugh out of Wei Ying.

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan," Wei Ying said, feeling truly light for the first time in a long time. The smile he gave Lan Zhan felt warm and genuine. He hoped Lan Zhan saw it too, and didn't think Wei Ying was trying to shake him off, when he spoke next. "It's so good to see you. You're the best thing that happened to me today. I would love to catch up, but they're waiting for me at home and I'm already late."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. There was a pause. Then, just as Wei Ying was about to ask for his number, "I could. Walk you. If you like."

"I thought you had a flight to catch." Wei Ying wanted to smack his mouth for how hopeful he sounded.

"Mn," Lan Zhan said. "In the evening."

"Lan Zhan!" He startled, amused and surprised at the same time. "And here I thought your bedtime was nine! Don't tell me you crossed to the dark side."

"It is Chuxi." Lan Zhan's voice was soft with a playful note, and Wei Ying felt his heart turn all over again even as he laughed.

"Aiya, Lan Zhan…" A smile spread on his face. "Alright then. I'd love to have your company. If you're sure."

"I am," Lan Zhan answered. "I would… very much like to… catch up with you."

"Well then." Wei Ying's smile broadened and started again in the direction he was heading earlier. "Right this way, sir. But I'm warning you. I'm basically a snail now."

For a beat there was silence, in which Wei Ying figured that Lan Zhan was probably looking for a proper response. He still didn't know how to handle self-deprecating humor, then. Wei Ying chuckled quietly to himself. The more things change…

"That is alright," Lan Zhan finally said. "I have time."

"Oh, do you? That's great!" Wei Ying grinned from ear to ear, marveling at how easy it suddenly was. "Aah, Lan Zhan I really missed this!"

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed but didn't say anything else.

For a few moments silence reigned again, of a comfortable kind. One that allowed Wei Ying to bask in the startling, almost miraculous presence of his best friend. Or it would have been, had Wei Ying not been keenly aware of Lan Zhan's intense stare.

"Do I really look that bad?" He teased, hoping to give Lan Zhan the opening he probably needed to ask whatever questions he had. "I've actually gained weight over Dongzhi you know."

Lan Zhan blinked, as if startled to be called out. Wasn't he aware that he had been staring? Or had he not expected Wei Ying to say something?

"You look…" he started, then swept his gaze over Wei Ying.

"Tired?" Wei Ying offered, keeping the humor in his words. The last thing he wanted Lan Zhan to think was that he needed to sugar coat his words around him now. "Stressed? Battle worn?"

"Different," Lan Zhan finished.

"Ah." Wei Ying breathed out, something in his chest tightening. "Good different, or bad different?"

Lan Zhan looked at him for a long moment.

"Different you," he finally answered. A pause. "More you."

Wei Ying's breath stuttered, a small questioning sound dragging itself up his throat.

"Wei Ying…" Lan Zhan hesitated for a brief moment, unsure. "May I know your pronouns?"

Always so straight to the point.

"Pro… Pronouns?!" Wei Ying chuckled but even he could hear the nerves buzzing through that sound. "How did you figure that?"

Lan Zhan just kept looking at him. Wei Ying swallowed.

"I…"

He had to know. Since he actually asked, he had to already know. Or at least suspect. Be aware. In general, or about Wei Ying? Had he realized in their years apart, or was there something about Wei Ying now that made him guess? No one has ever been able to tell upon glance. No one.

Something fluttered deep in his chest, like the jingles of a tambourine reverberating. It gave him courage.

Wei Ying took a deep, steadying breath. "He, him, Lan Zhan. It's he, him."

He managed to swallow the thousand words that dragged themselves up his throat instead of that one, simple truth. To his credit, Lan Zhan let him, waiting patiently and with complete silence for Wei Ying to say his part.

"I'm trans," Wei Ying added, finding it easier to say after the initial confession. "As in full time, on actual testosterone, trans male."

Their eyes met. A heartbeat of silence.

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. "Makes sense."

Wei Ying had not expected that.

In his defense, no one had ever replied like that to him coming out.

"What?" He choked out, bewildered. Lan Zhan was giving him a gentle look, a diametrical opposite of Wei Ying's wide eyes. "Why does that make sense, Lan Zhan?"

"It didn't before." Lan Zhan's gaze dropped. "Now it does."

"What? Why?" Wei Ying repeated, not comprehending a single word his friend had said. At the back of his mind he knew he should be happy and relieved that as dear a friend as Lan Zhan accepted him, and he would be later, but now he was just confused. "Lan Zhan, what are you saying?"

"You confounded me. Before. I didn't understand. It didn't. Add up." He didn't even expect an answer beyond a shrug and an 'It just does', and yet Lan Zhan gave him one, trying to explain like he wanted Wei Ying to understand something important. Important enough to bring it up at their first chance meeting in years. It still didn't clear anything up. The way he was dragging his words out seemed odd too, for how upfront Lan Zhan usually was.

"What didn't add up?" Wei Ying asked again. What about him had confused Lan Zhan?

"I didn't know you were a boy. So it didn't make sense," Lan Zhan answered without looking up and Wei Ying felt dread tighten his stomach into a knot. "But now it does."

"What?" He frowned, the rush of blood pounding in his ears. "Lan Zhan, what are you talking about?"

Lan Zhan finally looked up at him and Wei Ying suddenly felt light headed. The grip on his crutches must have gone knuckle white from how firmly he was gripping the handles. It couldn't be…

"I was confused why I liked you," Lan Zhan whispered, dropping his gaze again. "Why I enjoyed kissing you."

Wei Ying's brain was white static.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, "No!"

His whole body wanted to recoil with shock.

"Wei Ying," Lan Zhan pleaded but was cut short.

"I confessed to you! I told you I liked you!" He saw the bob of Lan Zhan's throat, how his eyes fell shut as he swallowed. Wei Ying despaired for words that could express the entire scale of emotions he felt, from betrayal to hope, but mostly just... shock. "You said you… You've never… And now, after everything… Do you even… Lan Zhan!!!"

"Wei Ying," he said his name like it was all he was capable of saying, with a hitch of sudden hesitance on the last syllable, a minuscule frown around his eyes, like he realized something important. "Do you still call yourself Wei Ying?"

The quiet question conjured up another memory, of an occasion much kinder.

"It's my birth name," he heard his youthful voice, still too high although most had described it as low. Lan Zhan had raised an eyebrow at him, even more puzzled than before. Wei Ying had laughed as he went to explain. "Same character as in 'infant'. Wuxian is the name uncle Jiang gave me so that I have a better name than, you know, 'baby'. It's a cool name! I mean, 'no envy' come on! Like I have no match in the world! Totally rad, you know, uncle Jiang's naming sense is A+."

"But you prefer Wei Ying." Lan Zhan had looked at him then, searchingly and Wei Ying had looked away with a snort, to hide his swallow.

"It's a terrible name. Who the hell names their baby 'baby'?"

Lan Zhan hadn't replied anything to that, and Wei Ying still remembered his next words, and how they had burned on his tongue, how he couldn't hold them back.

"It's what the people who loved me had called me."

In the present, Wei Ying found himself laughing in spite of the utter shock. Only Lan Zhan. Only Lan Zhan would give him a heart attack first then go make sure he wasn't deadnaming him on top of everything.

"Lan Zhan!!!" He cried out. "That's so not the point right now! But, yes, I do. I changed it back, actually. Officially, I mean."

"You dislike it." It sounded more like a question than a statement, so Wei Ying answered.

"Don't get me wrong, I still think Wuxian is way cooler, and my siblings still call me that, but…" His gaze fell away from Lan Zhan to something more distant, beyond his focus as he struggled over his words, drawing them out only with great difficulty from where they were rooted deep inside of him. "It's the name given to the image of a person that never really existed. Like… the painting of a person you met in a dream. And I sorta… I like to imagine that, regardless of who I am… They would still love me."

They. The people who gave him that horrible, unimaginative name.

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed like there had never been any doubt about it. Wei Ying snorted.

"Wei Ying," there it was again, his name, spoken so kindly, if not hesitantly as Lan Zhan too seemed to be struggling for words. "I would like to apologize. I hurt you. I have been looking for you to tell you this."

All at once, Wei Ying felt his shock settle into something more profound, like the wave that had swallowed him revealing the depth of the ocean. There was nothing Lan Zhan had to apologize for. Not for the lack of awareness, and certainly not for his feelings. Even their conflicts had always stemmed from a place of deep care.

"No." Wei Ying shook his head. "Not more than I hurt myself, Lan Zhan. Even when you scolded me, you never hurt me."

Had Lan Zhan broken his heart? Yeah, he had. So what? Did that mean he could be held accountable for it? Wei Ying's feelings were his own shit to deal with, not Lan Zhan's. Returning them wasn't Lan Zhan's duty. Even if he returned them, would it be fair to fault him for running away from them? For feeling insecure and anxious about his own attraction? For not knowing these things weren't as clear cut as all the adults around them had wanted to make them believe? It wasn't like Wei Ying had known either back then. He had, perhaps, understood himself even less than Lan Zhan. Most importantly, it was all in the past now. It couldn't be changed. What they made of it now was what mattered.

"None of my bullshit is your fault," he added. "You didn't go and tell me to fuck up my life. That was all on me."

"You wrote," Lan Zhan started, then paused, hesitating, then started again. "In your letter, you wrote…"

Wei Ying picked up on the question immediately.

"Not you," he said, the same words he had penned all those years ago in what was one of only two letters. "Never you. I had my reasons, but none of them were about you. In fact, I thought of you as the last good thing in my life at that point. The one true friend I still had left."

Lan Zhan's gaze fell on his crutches, but he didn't ask. Wei Ying was grateful.

"Come on, I need to get a move on," he said, starting to walk again, smiling at the surprised expression Lan Zhan had given him, when he realized he was still welcome to accompany him. Maybe it was something about that look that made Wei Ying add, after another second of thought, "There are people waiting for my return."

"Mn," Lan Zhan hummed, falling back in step next to him. "That's good. You should have people waiting for you at home."

Wei Ying couldn't help but smile.

"Say, Lan Zhan,…" he said after a few seconds of silence, when all what Lan Zhan has confessed slowly sunk in. "When you say you've been looking for me… You mean all this time?"

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. Wei Ying watched him gather his thoughts, the snow fluttering all around them. "I wanted to see you. Ask how you were doing. See if… If you needed support. Apologize. For not being a good friend to you before."

"Lan Zhan…" Wei Ying listened to him, and when Lan Zhan finally looked up at him his gaze was so sincere that his heart ached with it.

"I wanted to tell you the truth." Lan Zhan didn't let himself be interrupted. "That I liked you back. Without any expectations. That I didn't understand, but that it didn't matter. That I could like you without understanding why. That I wasn't asking for anything, just wanted you to know. That I wanted to help, in any way you'd let me."

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan…" Wei Ying sighed, vision suddenly blurred. He drew a deep breath. "But I wasn't there."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. "I asked your sister where I could find you…"

"But she didn't know," Wei Ying finished for him. No one knew, except one person. "And Jiang Cheng wouldn't give you my address if you held him at gunpoint."

"Your brother knows you're here." It had the structure of a question but it was spoken as a statement, the same kind of incredulous as the look Lan Zhan was giving him. All things considered, it was kinda fair, Wei Wuxian thought as he barked a laugh.

"Yeah," he said, shoulders shaking a little as he snickered. "He's the designated secret keeper."

Lan Zhan just stared, wordlessly.

Wei Ying's smile gained an edge at the unspoken question. He had to clear his throat before he answered. "We're… not quite alright yet, but… Ah, how do I say this? He's the better judge of the situation? With, uhm, aunt Yu, I mean. It's… complicated."

Honestly, when wasn't it?

"I… see." Lan Zhan really didn't sound like he did, but didn't press, continuing his story instead. "Your sister was able to tell me which city you were in. So I… applied for a job."

Wait. Pause. Rewind.

"You work here?!" Wei Ying felt his jaw go slack.

"As an attorney. At 'Xiao and Song'," Lan Zhan confirmed, then looked back at Wei Ying. "Civil law. With focus on LGBTQ+ rights. I passed the bar last year."

"You…" There was so much to unpack in that statement that Wei Ying couldn't quite get the words together fast enough. At the back of his mind he was aware he should probably congratulate Lan Zhan on his degree but he was too stunned by the other, more important implications. "You've moved here? For work? All because… Because… You were looking for me?"

"Mn."

"Lan Zhan!" His amazing friend who, for some reason, in spite of having a great new life had been desperate to find him. "But you… But I…"

"Wei Ying," he spoke so, so softly, but with clear intent to stop any protest Wei Ying might have wanted to utter. It worked. Wei Ying's mouth fell shut, taking his friend in with a bright, wide gaze. "I missed you. I have no expectations. I just… missed you."

Warmth spread in Wei Ying's chest over the tender words, like a dying flame rekindled.

"Lan Zhan..." He didn't quite know what to say, oddly touched. "It's how you knew, isn't it? I'm not the only trans person you've met."

"There was a client," Lan Zhan admitted. "They made me think of you. I have wanted to ask you since. I wanted to know if… If I made a mistake."

He didn't specify what mistake he feared being guilty of. He didn't really have to.

For a while Wei Ying just looked at him.

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan…" He sighed, a small but genuine smile stealing itself onto his lips. "You… you're something else, you know that?"

Lan Zhan didn't reply, but there was something vulnerable in his expression.

"I missed you too."

Lan Zhan's eyes snapped back to Wei Ying's face, full of naked hope and a surprise so honest and pure that Wei Ying's heartstrings almost snapped. He could accept it. He could accept a friend longing for his company, even as his heart hammered against his chest like it was trying to escape its utter desolation.

"I couldn't have expected you to know something I didn't realize until much later." He hadn't realized there was tension around his friend's eyes until it relaxed.

Wei Ying took him in, his entire appearance and noted that although perfectly poised and immaculately dressed, beneath it all there was an exhaustion, a tension he didn't recognize. He thought about their meeting – the collision of two bodies launched out of their orbit – and everything else Lan Zhan had told him and a question dragged itself on his tongue that refused to be swallowed back in.

"Say, Lan Zhan… Since we are being so honest..." He asked before he could have thought better of it. "Why aren't you in Suzhou yet, for real? You always went home at least two weeks ahead of the festival. Did something happen?"

If there was something happening with Lan Zhan's family… Well, Wei Ying had missed enough opportunities to be a good friend in all the years they had been apart, or even before that. If Lan Zhan wanted to be his friend, Wei Ying was returning that tenfold. A secret for a secret, a truth for a truth.

If Lan Zhan wanted, that was.

For a second Wei Ying wasn't sure, but then the broad shoulders slumped, heaving like a weight was being lifted off them.

"I didn't always intend to go," Lan Zhan admitted. "Brother convinced me at the last moment. I wish he hadn't."

Their eyes met and Wei Ying felt a sudden heat spread through his cheeks at the intensity of Lan Zhan's gaze. He didn't take the bait, waiting patiently instead.

"I came out to my uncle. After the bar." Lan Zhan's gaze fell to the ground again, and Wei Ying already knew what he was about to say, aching dread settling painfully in his chest. "He did not… react well. He tried to set me up immediately afterwards."

"Aw man..." Wei Ying tried to sound both gentle and sympathetic without being too pitying. In his experience that never helped. "Yeah, I get that you didn't want to go home after that."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded, but said no more.

"Was she at least pretty?" Wei Ying tried to joke, unable to bear that forlorn expression on Lan Zhan's face and incapable of thinking of anything better to cheer his friend up. It would have been easy in the past, but now, with years containing entire lifetimes between them he didn't know anymore how to make Lan Zhan laugh.

But then Lan Zhan's lips twitched a little, so maybe not all was lost.

"Luo Qingyang," he answered, like Wei Ying was supposed to know the vaguely familiar name. Lan Zhan responded to his confused frown with his own and went on to explain. "You were in the drama club together. She was… Juliet. To your Romeo."

Very few guys had been in the drama club at that time, so Wei Ying had usually gotten the main male protagonist. He had loved it. It had been one of the reasons why he had joined the drama club in the first place. His co-star in all of that...

"Mianmian!" He exclaimed, eyes bright with delight. "It's been ages since I've last…"...Seen her. Seen anyone, he didn't say, schooled his expression and laughed instead. "I can't believe they tried to set you up with Mianmian! How is she?"

"Mn," Lan Zhan made a small sound out agreement that amused Wei Ying, before he answered. "She is well. Studying. Also law. She will take the bar next year."

"All of you are so smart…" Wei Ying chuckled, fond with more memories. "You know I made out with her once?" He promptly laughed at Lan Zhan's expression. "Relax, it wasn't as good as with you."

Their eyes met again and Wei Ying saw something like hope spark in Lan Zhan's eyes, which…

Wei Ying stopped. He let his gaze wander around, collecting his thoughts. He startled as he realized he was almost home, the agonizing minutes he usually needed reduced to nothing in the presence of his friend. The ache that had gnawed at his limbs earlier had all but disappeared, replaced by a longing ache in his heart.

"Lan Zhan," he found himself speaking without the input of his mind. "You said you liked me, so you should know… I don't intend to have surgery." He saw Lan Zhan open his mouth, probably to assure him once more of his pure intentions, which Wei Ying didn't need to hear. "I know, I know, you have no expectations, and I'm not saying we have to, but… My feelings for you never changed. I still like you, but I'm also… I'm a man Lan Zhan, but I'm not adjusting my body. Not to that degree."

"Is it a financial issue?" Lan Zhan asked after a pause and Wei Ying cut him off before he could continue with something ridiculous like an offer to pay.

"It's… not not about money, but…" He thought for a moment about how to say what he wanted to say. "Regardless of that, I refuse to go through all the legal hoops that this government would demand of me, like I'm supposed to beg them just to be who I am. And... Besides that…" He took a deep breath. "I think I'd like to have another child."

"Another…" There was a strangled sound, which he ignored, forcing himself to voice what he'd been struggling to put into words for a while now.

"I want to give it one more try. Voluntarily," Wei Ying found it difficult to say, despite the thought of a baby in his arms filling him with a warmth he wouldn't have expected mere years ago. "With someone I actually like this time."

"This time." There was something very wrong with the tone of Lan Zhan's voice, and as Wei Ying looked up at him, realization hit him with the force of a freight train.

"Oh! Oh no!" Lan Zhan's eyes were akin to saucers, and Wei Ying vaguely thought he had never seen his friend express shock so openly. "Fuck, I'm so dumb! Of course you don't know! How would you know?!"

Of course that very same moment, before Lan Zhan had any chance of collecting himself, a cheerful shout echoed through the street in an all too familiar, youthful voice. "BABA!!!"

Wei Ying winced. In the way life usually was – his life in particular – before Wei Ying could come up with a single word of explanation, there was the flurry of movement, and a warmth enveloping his leg – the better one.

"Baba, baba, you're home!"

Wei Ying's eyes fell down to the source of the excited noise to have two mischievous gray eyes reflected back at him. An unbidden smile spread on his face.

"A-Yuan!" He shifted around a little until he could safely run his fingers through the child's hair, even as he was keenly aware of the man next to him. "Have you been waiting for me?"

There was a twinkle and a nod, his very own baby's face beaming up at him with unabashed adoration. A tiny hand wrapped itself around his wrist and just like that the last of the day's stress fell away. He looked back at Lan Zhan. It was difficult to describe the expression his friend was giving him, frozen with disbelief, shock and something too close to horror, as his mind seemed to be rearranging and reevaluating every piece of information known to him. Finding no point in delaying the inevitable, Wei Ying braced himself and went for it.

"Lan Zhan, this is a-Yuan. He's mine. Gave birth to him and all." He made a point to smile, although Lan Zhan's expression remained unchanged. Deciding to give him the space he needed to get himself together, Wei Ying turned his attention back to his child. "A-Yuan, this is Lan Zhan. He's an old friend of mine from school. Want to introduce yourself?"

"Hello!" A-Yuan said before Wei Ying even finished the sentence. "I'm a-Yuan and I'm already four years old! I like butterflies and bunnies! Baba gave me Radish and a coloring book for my birthday. I was four last month! I love my baba bestest! But I love xiao-shushu und Qing-guma and granny and uncle Shi lotsa too!"

It was an altogether perfect introduction, and Wei Ying felt pride and love thrumming through his heart with a strength he hadn't believed to be possible. He watched the mental math behind Lan Zhan's eyes, a complicated expression spreading on his friend's face. He decided to give him another moment to complete the mental calculations and focused on something else that a-Yuan had reminded him of.

"Speaking of, where's your xiao-shushu?" Wei Ying looked around, then with growing suspicion back at the child still wrapped around his leg. "Did you ditch him again?"

Mischief spread on a-Yuan's face as he hid in Wei Ying's thigh.

"A-Yuan." Wei Ying narrowed his eyes at him, gently scolding. "We've talked about this. No walking around on your own. What if something happened?"

"But I'm with you," came the simple answer. "I have to help you walk. You said! To help you walk I have to take your hand. I saw you and gege wasn't holding your hand, so I came to help."

"Ah, so filial, a-Yuan…" Wei Ying looked up to the skies, silently begging the heavens for strength while fighting a ferocious blush. This child of his was as much a blessing as he was a huge trouble. The best kind of trouble, if Wei Ying was honest.

"A-Yuan!"

He was still busy trying to change his smile into something more stern, when as if on cue the uncle in question appeared around the corner, calling for his nephew, looking just as frantic as Wei Ying expected him to be. He waited for Wen Ning's eyes to find them, before he looked back down at a-Yuan.

"See how worried Wen Ning is? You can't do this, a-Yuan." The child's expression fell. "Go tell him you're alright and apologize for running away."

A-Yuan didn't waste a single second, rocketing towards his uncle with an excited call.

With his child safe in the most dependable arms that there were, Wei Ying turned to Lan Zhan again. His friend's eyes were closed, face pulled into a tight expression, lips pressed into a thin line, all of which told him what conclusion Lan Zhan had reached.

"It was part of the reason," Wei Ying said, because he knew Lan Zhan would never ask and he wanted his friend to know. "But it wasn't all of it."

Lan Zhan's eyes opened, his look agonized but not pitying, Wei Ying realized.

"There were many things going on," he said. "It was all so fucked up… I knew I couldn't keep him, and somehow I figured… Might as well go together. In the end we both survived, funny that."

"The father. The father is…" Lan Zhan trailed off, couldn't bring himself to say the name, but he didn't have to. Just as Wei Ying didn't have to answer other than with a rueful smile. After all, there was only one option. Lan Zhan drew a deep breath. "Was it… Did he…"

Here too, Wei Ying knew what he was asking, felt it like the edge of a knife against his skin.

"I don't want to talk about it." He swallowed, a prickling at the corners of his eyelids. "Not yet, at least. I'll tell you the story another time."

Lan Zhan nodded. Worried his jaw. Wei Ying waited.

"Was that why you… left?" His voice was so quiet that if Wei Ying wasn't paying attention, he probably wouldn't have noticed he had said anything at all.

"To put it in the words of aunt Yu, whores aren't welcome under her roof. She threatened to leave uncle Jiang, if he kept supporting me. It's fine," he added quickly when he saw Lan Zhan's face darkening. "Uncle Jiang gave me the trust fund he had for me, which wasn't little, I have a job and I get some aid from the government too. There's also granny's pension and everyone else is working. You don't have to worry, Lan Zhan, we get by."

Lan Zhan looked like he wanted to say something cutting, but luckily they were interrupted by Wen Ning joining them, a-Yuan in his arms. He was probably getting too big for that, but he knew first hand that Wen Ning could lift a full-sized adult without breaking a sweat so he wasn't very worried for either of them.

"Wei-ge, welcome home," Wen Ning greeted him. His eyes wandered to Lan Zhan for a brief moment, then to Wei Ying's hands which were still scraped. "Is everything alright?"

"More than!" Wei Ying ignored the look, grinning and watched a-Yuan beam at him. "Everything's perfect, look who I met in town! You remember Lan Zhan, right? He was in the same class with Wen Qing. Turns out he works here!"

Wei Ying managed to say all of that in one breath before he even realized he was doing it, yet consciously leaving out the bar and without bothering to detail exactly how the 'bumping' went down. Wen Ning took it all in, then gave Lan Zhan a polite smile, his dark eyes meeting Lan Zhan's squarely.

"I know of Lan-xianbei," he said slowly, cautiously polite, before his expression settled into a smile and he inclined his head in greeting. "We've never met officially."

There was a brief round of long overdue introductions, which Wei Ying was happy to ignore in favor of watching a-Yuan grow increasingly fascinated with Lan Zhan. It etched the lines around Wei Ying's smile deeper into his features, in a way he hasn't felt for a long time.

"A-Yuan." he couldn't help but pinch one of the chubby cheeks, after a little shifting of weight. "You keep looking at Lan Zhan like that, he'll think you like him."

"Pretty gege," was all a-Yuan had to say to that, a smile splitting his face, while Lan Zhan's ears turned red. Wei Ying laughed, alight with surprise that the one tell-tale sign of his shyness still remained. Lan Zhan was looking at a-Yuan with increasing curiosity, that pained line from earlier disappearing from his features, slowly replaced by wonder instead.

Wei Ying only looked away when he felt a tiny finger poke at his cheek, angling his head towards a-Yuan to listen to whatever secret his son wanted to share.

"Will pretty gege stay for dinner?" A-Yuan whispered through his hands, causing a complicated set of feelings to run through Wei Ying's chest.

"Sorry, sweetheart, but Lan-shushu can't stay." Wei Ying mock pouted at his son. "He has a flight to catch later."

"Why?" A-Yuan asked, as he did all the time.

"He has to visit his family," Wei Ying answered.

"Oh…" A-Yuan's face fell. There was no doubt in Wei Ying's mind had the answer been anything else, he would have kept asking, but if there was one word a-Yuan understood better than anyone, it was 'family'. It didn't mean he liked it. "But… But I heard! I heard that we will have a party tonight! I cleaned my room, and I did a picture for teacher, and helped granny bake! I was the bestest and uncle said I could stay up extra long tonight 'cause then baba would live forever!"

"I didn't say forever," Wen Ning corrected him timidly, but neither of them paid attention to him, the poor soul. A-Yuan only heard what he wanted to hear, and Wei Ying was too busy making sure his heart didn't burst. He still sometimes couldn't quite believe how much he loved this child.

"Me too." It came unexpectedly from beside him, and when Wei Ying turned to look he found Lan Zhan looking almost as surprised as he felt. "I mean, I also usually stay up longer on Chuxi."

A-Yuan's smile eclipsed the sun. Lan Zhan returned it with an expression so impossibly soft that Wei Ying's heart almost did burst then.

"Pretty gege can stay, and his family can come too, and I will draw everyone a picture!" A-Yuan all but vibrated with bare excitement that Wei Ying felt bad that he had to chide him.

"A-Yuan, do we tell people what they can and can't do, or do we ask?" He had picked the gentlest way possible, but his son still hid his face in his uncle's neck, utterly dejected.

To be fair, Lan Zhan looked rather stricken himself. It was adorable to watch and Wei Ying… Wei Ying knew that no matter whatever feelings he might be harboring, he only came as a set with his son. There was no possible way of heaping that responsibility on another person from the get go, on top of everything else, and yet. And yet. Lan Zhan was regarding a-Yuan with such fondness that it did strange things to Wei Ying's heart, and just like that courage bloomed in Wei Ying's chest.

"How about a compromise? Lan Zhan," he asked carefully. "You still have a few hours left until you have to be at the airport, don't you? Would you… Would you like to come inside?"

"Yes, yes, yes! Please, pretty gege, pretty please." A-Yuan loved the idea, immediately reaching his arms out in silent demand to be held. Wei Ying could only watch as Wen Ning oh so carefully leaned forward and tightened his hold so that a-Yuan could safely launch himself into Lan Zhan's open, waiting arms. He bet Lan Zhan hadn't even noticed how he held them out in a response that had seemed completely automatic.

"A-Yuan," Wei Ying reprimanded him gently, doing everything he could to ignore the adorable pout that pressed into Lan Zhan's shoulder. It was difficult to do with his heart singing like that.

"I would hate to intrude," Lan Zhan replied hesitantly, his eyes not leaving a-Yuan for a second and Wei Ying felt his heart constrict.

"I don't think anyone would mind," Wen Ning said, smiling gently.

"It won't be an issue, Lan Zhan, really." Their eyes met. "We still have a lot to… catch up on."

There was a spark that darkened Lan Zhan's eyes briefly, something heavy settling in the air between the two of them. Chance had brought Lan Zhan back into his life, and Wei Ying wanted to hold on. In any way he was allowed to. As long as he was allowed to.

"And you could meet… You could meet my family." Warmth spread deep in Wei Ying's chest as the word 'family' echoed in his mind, before he added in a whisper. "If you like."

"Wei Ying…" Finally, after what felt like an entire eternity, Lan Zhan spoke, the softest of smiles spreading on his face, gentle as the first rays of the sun on a misty morning. "I would very much love to meet your family."

"Great!" Wei Ying felt the smile split his face from one ear to another and amidst the cheers of his child that echoed the ones in his heart and started towards the door that Wen Ning held open for him. "Come on in then! Let's give everyone the shock of their life that I brought home such a handsome man!"

"Wei Ying…" It was spoken as a reprimand but it sounded like a chuckle.

"Hi, handsome! You're Lan Zhan, right? I've heard all about you!" Somewhere in his memory a cheerful voice greeted the most beautiful youth that there ever was. "I'm Wei Wuxian. I'll let you call me Wei Ying."

The door fell shut to the sound of Wei Ying's laugh.

[midshipmank]

i wanted LWJ with a motorcycle & somehow ended up with this librarian!LWJ & art student!WWX au

LWJ is a librarian at a public library 

WWX met LWJ when he returned some books 3 months late

LWJ looked at him all judgy like “these are 3 months late,” & WWX promptly became obsessed 

WWX is now a much more responsible library user, mostly because he’s there all the time

but listen he’s not great at focusing in the library, that’s why he doesn’t even use the one on campus. so now he’s his usual amount of restless + distracted by LWJ

trying to figure out how to make a move 

meanwhile LWJ is just like “do not throw crumpled pieces of paper through the air”

some of those crumpled pieces of paper are failed sketches of LWJ

one day WWX stays all the way to closing because LWJ PRETTY OKAY? also he has an art theory paper due pls don’t talk to him about it

so anyway he’s there when the library is closing & LWJ is like “leave”

so he goes :((( but he’s so late LWJ practically follows him out 

which 

is when WWX discovers that that pretty white & blue motorcycle that’s always parked out front?

that’s Lan Wangji’s 

he absolutely loses his mind

all of his friends know about his ridiculous librarian crush by now & they all make fun of him for it

but anyway, the poor boy has it bad

he’s like “A-Cheng, you don’t understand, he could step on me & i’d thank him. actually i think i need him to step on me.” 

JC is like “i did Not want to know that”

meanwhile WWX is bemoaning the fact that he ever became a responsible library user

“how am i supposed to interact with him. i can’t return books late anymore bc i’m always there! what would my excuse be? & he’s already explained how to use their database to me 3 times, i can’t keep looking this dumb” 

JYL is very gently like “maybe just ask him out?” 

“but he doesn’t like me! i committed library crimes! i have to get him to like me first!”

then WWX sees a flyer in the lobby asking for volunteers. there’s gonna be an event in the kids section! for some special reading day! who tf knows, WWX doesn’t care, the point is, he’s good with kids. that would probably be appealing to LWJ. right? right? WWX really doesn’t know. LWJ is so hard to read. on the one hand, he’s the most tight-laced & responsible person WWX has ever met. on the other, he has a very sexy motorcycle. WWX doesn’t know what to do with that

but okay he has a plan

he calls up WQ & goes “can i borrow A-Yuan”

he already babysits A-Yuan every week, so it’s not that weird right?

WQ is like “i stg WWX if you are going to use A-Yuan to attract hot guys like in that movie with the people who love dogs....”

& WWX is like “i would never use A-Yuan like a dog! WQ do you even know me!” 

he gets A-Yuan, barely

anyway, he gets to the library ready to read to a bunch of kids & gets side-eyed by a lot of parents, but he still has fun!!

LWJ is, unfortunately, not the librarian supervising the event, but he is reshelving when WWX is off reading duty & A-Yuan gets the zoomies

ie, zooms right into LWJ’s legs

LWJ is, surprisingly, good with kids. WWX may need to marry him. he somehow manages not to make a complete fool of himself after this revelation

in fact, after this interaction, WWX thinks he may actually have scored some points with LWJ. he’s elated

he’s building all these elaborate future schemes in his head when suddenly he gets a call from Auntie Yu

she wants to know why his grade in his art theory class has plummeted. 

oh right. that class. that class that’s taught by that professor who hates him & that he honestly can’t understand a word of & honestly he hates art theory, he’s good at art, why does he have to take theory too? 

Auntie Yu lets him know in no uncertain terms that if he doesn’t improve his grades by the end of the semester, she will stop supporting him—it’s bad enough that they let him go to art school after he flunked out of his business degree anyway 

so—fuck. fuck. 

WWX throws himself into the redo paper he manages to beg off LQR. he has 3 days & he’s gonna make them count 

the first day goes well, if by well you mean that he raids the art section of the library & works himself until closing & tries desperately not to look like he’s dying in front of LWJ

day 2 goes........similarly, except he falls asleep at his desk & doesn’t wake up until LWJ tells him the library is closing, which? wtf? LWJ usually wakes him up when he falls asleep in the library. WWX has been asleep for hours. 

& also he looks like a wreck, which is not cute

he flees from the library only to find that the bus is going..... going......... gone

fuck. he doesn’t have a car. 

he’s staring down the road after the bus, trying to figure out which friend with a car is available for him to call when he hears someone say “Wei Ying?” behind him

it’s Lan Zhan.

how mortifying. 

he tries to laugh off his situation, but LWJ gets this set expression on his face & says, “i will give you a ride home” 

& WWX is like kinda definitely freaking out because this was not how his first ride on LWJ’s sexy motorcycle was supposed to go. WWX had a plan. he was supposed to be flirtatious & ask LWJ about his bike & then LWJ would offer to give WWX a ride & they’d go all around the scenic parts of the city & when they stopped WWX would be all flustered & breathless & he’d wobble getting off the bike & maybe fall into LWJ & maybe—

okay so his plan was more like a daydream, but at the very least, he wasn’t supposed to look like he’d spent the last 48hrs out of the sun, drinking unhealthy amounts of shitty coffee, wearing a ratty hoodie & art-grimed jeans. like, they’re not even grimey in a cute way

but LWJ is insistent & WWX is weak, so somehow he ends up on the back of the bike wearing LWJ’s helmet with LWJ telling him to hold on tight

he’s half-convinced he’s fallen asleep on the bus stop bench & is dreaming the whole thing

but soon enough, it’s over & they’re stopped outside of WWX’s shitty student accommodations

he gets off & is trying to awkwardly thank LWJ when LWJ says, “you’ve seemed upset these past 2 days”

“ahaha, yeah, i’m just writing a paper”

“for an art theory class?”

WWX is like ????? but then he remembers that LWJ knows what books he checks out 

“yeah. it’s a redo actually. professor Lan hates me.” he forces a laugh. why did he say that. being hated by a professor is not cute, especially not to sexy librarian LWJ. 

“my uncle has high expectations,” LWJ says. 

WWX brain short circuits. 

“your uncle???” shit shit shit Lan Qiren is LWJ’s uncle! LWJ’s uncle hates him! he has no chance now! 

“mn.” 

WWX wants to die

LWJ looks considering, then says, “it is my day off tomorrow. if you would like, i can help you with the paper.”

WWX is already the least cute, most pathetic version of himself he’s ever been in his life. he says yes. 

so they meet up at the library the next day & WWX apologizes profusely for making LWJ come into work when it’s his day off. he promises LWJ endless free coffee from the coffeeshop he works at (even if he has to pay for it himself—he doesn’t tell LWJ that part). 

LWJ is way too nice to him & also manages to explain this school of art theory in a way that?? sort of?? makes sense?? though not in a way that makes WWX like it. but LWJ seems neutral about it, so at least he’s not trying to get WWX to agree with it. 

but anyway, WWX manages to pull a passable paper together & in the process LWJ reveals that he’s noticed WWX sketching in the library a lot more than WWX realized, and that he likes WWX’s art. 

WWX is lightheaded

he stares at LWJ for a while & LWJ looks at him & says, “Wei Ying. you should be typing.” 

WWX gets the paper done by 5pm somehow. somehow! he sends it off to LQR with a groan of relief. he’s so tired his bones are aching, but he looks over at LWJ, art theory & citation king, who of course always looks perfect & beautiful, & goes, “i could kiss you.” 

instead of “i don’t know how i’m ever going to thank you for this,” which is what he thought he was gonna say

LWJ’s eyes widen slightly & his ears go red. WWX wants to smack himself in the face. he wants to eat his words. he wants to crawl into a cramped dark place like a disgusting little mole & never see the sun again.

then LWJ says, “have dinner with me first.” 

WWX gapes at him. LWJ looks back, ears still red but eyes steady. 

“okay,” WWX squeaks. 

they go to dinner. WWX still feels like trash, but they end up having a rousing discussion about art & WWX learns all about when LWJ studied art history in undergrad & how he actually doesn’t like the kind of theory his uncle teaches (“but you’re too good to ever tell him that,” WWX teases. “....most of the time.” WWX laughs in delight.) 

LWJ reveals that he brought an extra helmet today, in case WWX needed a ride again. WWX is embarrassed & pleased & wants to marry LWJ again. feeling foolish, he leans into LWJ flirtatiously & suggests they go for a ride—just for the view. LWJ looks at him so long his knees turn to jelly. then LWJ says, “mn.” 

they make out on some scenic ridge somewhere

the end! 

other things about this au:

WWX does digital painting mostly, his ideal job is illustration/comics; he has a instagram/patreon he uses for art commissions (some of which are pornographic—LWJ catches him sketching in the library one day, early in this tableau. it does not go well.) 

his instagram/patreon is mostly anonymous. it’s not that he minds people knowing he draws explicit stuff sometimes, it’s that he doesn’t want Auntie Yu to find out 

he draws LWJ a lot

not explicitly

(at least not until he’s got a life model and LWJ’s consent)

he’s not at the library 24/7. he has a coffeeshop job, classes, studio time for non-digital art, A-Yuan, and friends. but he’s at the library a lot.

this is undergrad for WWX, but he’s non-trad. he flunked out of a soul-sucking business degree in his first go at undergrad & was on pretty shaky ground with the Jiang family for a while. then he sold some of his art & Auntie Yu said they would support him through art school if it was the only thing he was good at. kinda stung, but at least he doesn’t have to pay tuition.

he’s desperate to prove he can make it as an artist

when anyone asks LWJ about his bike, he says he got it because it allows him to weave around traffic. yes, there’s more to it than that, but no he won’t go into it. (this entire au formed because i found out WYB rides motorcycles professionally & went, “wow that’s hot.” we have no thoughts here.) 

WWX did not have to try to make LWJ like him. LWJ liked him. & while WWX might not have gotten his ideal first bike ride, you better believe LWJ got his. he daydreams about scooping WWX onto his bike & riding off into the sunset

[crossdressingdeath]

1/9 - So I’m going to go on a bit of a tangent here, so let me know if any of this doesn’t send thanks to tumblr haha. in reference to your comments about the Guanyin Temple core transfer convo...we’ve got to talk about that scene. Because seriously when JC and WWX discuss the golden core reveal in the temple, JC’s behaviour is actually appalling. He openly mocks WWX, to the point where WWX is actually

2/9 shocked because while he knew JC wouldn’t just forgive him if he knew the truth, he was shocked by how “unkind” he was being. It was so bad that WWX, who has grown up with JC’s immature tantrums, felt like this was way too harsh. And then without ANY prompting - literally all WWX says is “I never asked you to thank me” - JC of course takes that as an insult to him. Starts acting like WWX is bragging and saying that JC isn’t as good as him - and in this scene he is so much like his mother

3/9 it’s creepy. He sounds irrational, insane even. Twisting everyone’s words. He starts screaming about how WWX thinks he’s better than him, tries to PHYSICALLY ATTACK WWX - seriously how anyone thinks that you can sympathise with this guy is beyond me. The guy is literally just creating problems for himself.

4/9 But then of course we get the part that you were talking about - when WWX says “take it as my repayment to the Jiang sect” and JC - JC OF COURSE feels the need to say “repayment for my father, my mother, my sister.” DAMMIT MAN WWX DID NOT CAUSE THEIR DEATHS. For gods sake, I feel no pity for JC here because he has had YEARS to come to terms with it. WWX did not kill his parents, the wens did. They would have used any excuse to attack - are we seriously going to blame the victim instead of

5/9 the instigators? For example - JYL told Jin ZiXun off for being rude to WWX. At that stage the Jins were probably stronger than the Jiangs, who were still rebuilding. You’re telling me if the Jins retaliated and hurt the Jiang sect, JC would’ve even thought to blame his sister? Or does he ever mention the fact that his mother was insulting the Wens to, regardless of the fact that they were attacking? Like...if you want to talk about bad decisions, at least WWX didn’t know that his actions

6/9 would lead to the Wen sect attacking - YZY could have at least tried to negotiate that situation, she’s an adult and in charge of the sect for Christ’s sake. But nope, she’s allowed to be angry, and it’s totally the teenagers fault. And JYL? Like god, it sucks that she died, and maybe wwx did contribute to that situation, but he did not kill her! JC needs to stop telling everyone, including her son, that he did, because it’s an insult to JYL and the choices she made. Just...JC is ridiculous.

7/9 Wwx gave up everything for him because he loved him that much. His whole life - everything he had worked for - and he asked for nothing in return. He would’ve happily become the villain if only to protect JC’s reputation and peace of mind. And JC is seriously going to twist this situation to make it look like WWX did this to try and be better than him? Like, how badly did your mother mess you up that you think anyone would go through torturous pain,

8/9 and destroy their life’s achievement just to have one up on you? And if WWX really was some kind of power hungry show off, why the hell would he give away the very thing that supposedly makes him better than you, TO YOU, and then NOT TELL YOU ABOUT IT??? Like, what sort of attention seeking narcissist, what JC apparently views WWX as, would do all of that, supposedly for the attention, and then not tell anyone? Where’s the logic????

I’m missing part 9, but yeah. WWX all but outright says “I did this because I wanted to help you, because I care about you, because I didn’t want to see you suffer” and JC twists it into some hero complex bullshit where WWX only did it to one-up him and just... what the fuck? How do people look at this and insist JC was in the right? And even after basically saying that WWX only gave JC his golden core for attention, after thirteen years in which he could’ve looked back and considered what happened, JC still goes for “Well, actually, you were obligated to give up your golden core because you killed my family and that was definitely your fault”. I mean, that’s pretty much what he’s saying! WWX is basically saying “I did this because I love your family and owe them” and JC’s response is “You killed them and you have to pay for that”. I mean... thirteen years. He’s had thirteen years as a sect leader to realize that the Wens would have attacked anyway, that JYL chose to save WWX even at the cost of her own life, and he’s still spewing this “It’s all your fault” bullshit.

And if the Jins had retaliated against the Jiangs for fighting with JZXun it would, of course, be all WWX’s fault for refusing to sit quietly and let himself be insulted. Just like it’s all his fault Lotus Pier fell, and YZY antagonizing the Wens had nothing to do with it. WWX is an easy target for JC to blame things on; his rank is entirely reliant on JC and he won’t argue if the blame is coming from a Jiang. He’s not going to disagree or lash out. If JC comes up with a reason, he can do anything he likes to WWX and WWX won’t do anything about it. It takes WWX dying, coming back, and spending a lot of time with LWJ (who treats him like a person worthy of love and respect and not a convenient scapegoat even when using him as such would save LWJ a lot of trouble) before he even begins to acknowledge that the way JC treats him isn’t okay. JC has spent his entire life blaming WWX from everything from his dogs being taken away to his father not loving him enough to him not being an extraordinary cultivator to the Wens attacking because WWX won’t fight it. 

Honestly? Even the fact that JC thinks WWX would do anything for the sake of showing JC up shows that JC never actually bothered to get to know WWX. Like, he seriously thinks WWX wants to show him up, make him look bad. Even if we set aside the fact that no one would go through that much pain and suffering and keep quiet about it for so long just to get one over on someone else, what the actual fuck JC, we’re talking about WWX here. The guy who slacked off on training and held himself back right up until war broke out because he didn’t want JC to feel like he was overshadowed. The guy who was always the one to start fights before JC got a chance to so that JC wouldn’t get in trouble. The guy who spent over a decade taking the blame for everything they did wrong and praising JC at every opportunity even when it wasn’t deserved to make JC’s parents proud of him. And JC is saying that guy would have given up his incredibly powerful golden core, crippling himself at the beginning of a war, losing huge amounts of power and drastically shortening his lifespan... just to make JC look bad. He thinks WWX would go out of his way and hurt himself that much to make JC look weaker.

Of course, the reasoning is, I think, fairly obvious: JC would never sacrifice his golden core if he didn’t get something from it so clearly WWX must have an ulterior motive! Except there’s no ulterior motive big enough to make giving up your golden core worth it, so he has to come up with some bullshit about hero complexes and showing off to justify it. He’s just falling into the same pit as so many other jackasses: not realizing that not everyone operates solely based on self-interest.

[almostawinchester]

Okay, I haven’t really thought this through, so bear with me, but (who am i kidding, I’ve now spent at least 60 minutes on this) this is gonna be me comparing The Untamed’s Jiang Cheng to two other characters: Ron Weasley from Harry Potter, and Rameses from The Prince of Egypt. Or, to be more specific, why two of them ended up cutting ties with their brothers, while the third one made amends (and yes, for this specific rant, I am going to argue that Harry and Ron were basically foster brothers).

Jiang Cheng, Ron and Rameses all started out with very strong ties to their best friends/foster brothers (a.k.a. Wei Wuxian, Harry and Moses). But there were also a lot of insecurities, which ultimately led to them cutting these ties – they were never the one in the spotlight, never the favourite, they always had to put up with their best friends getting the cred but also getting them into trouble, they were loyal up until a certain breaking point, and after that – when they felt that HP/WWX/M didn’t share their “family comes first” values – they all left/cut them off.

But why then did Ron Weasley make amends after having abandoned Harry Potter, whereas Rameses and Jiang Cheng never really did that with Wei Wuxian/Moses?

Well, I wanna say that is is because there are also other similarities between Jiang Cheng and Rameses, that Ron Weasley doesn’t share: the expectations that comes with being an heir, toxic parenting, being foster brothers on very unequal terms, said foster brother standing up for people who are treated wrongly but whose situation they just want to ignore to keep the status quo, and when the brothers do this, they feel the need to cut all ties to show people they don’t agree in order to be a Good Ruler.

Ron Weasley never had people expect much of him, so in that sense, he didn’t have much to lose. In fact, when it comes to reputation, I’d like to say he had more to lose in abandoning Harry Potter.

Jiang Cheng and Rameses, on the other hand, had an entire realm looking at their every move, and judging their skills as a newly appointed ruler, which made the stakes much higher when it came to choosing between the expectations and the bond between them and their brothers. They both also felt betrayed, because both foster brothers has promised to be there for them, and help them out in this new position as their right hand man, which probably made it harder to see things objectively.

Then we have the parenting. Say what you want about Molly Weasley (I still haven’t forgiven her for being mean to Hermione – honestly, I think she would have been more than able to be a bitch towards Harry had she thought he was the bastard son of Arthur and Lily), but she and Arthur were good parents that stood up for their kids and made sure they knew they were loved (even if some of them might have felt a bit unseen from time to time). Jiang Cheng and Rameses, on the other hand, had One Toxic Parent Who Never Showed Loved and Always Expected More, and One Sort of Aloof Parent who Honestly Should’ve Stood Up for Them Rather than Playing Favourites with Their Foster Brothers.

And obviously parenting isn’t everything and you still need to own up to your own actions, and you shouldn’t fall for peer pressure (in other words, ”cool motive – still murder”), but maybe, given different circumstances, things could’ve been different.

Anyway, thanks for coming to my poorly executed Ted Talk.

[tonyglowheart]

okay first off, here is: Deconstruction of 13 years of Inquiry headcanon

tl;dr - no it’s not canon, and as far as the canon uses of Inquiry are presented, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense bc Inquiry isn’t used as a sort of ouija board situation (tho I can see why it could be adapted as such). But basically 13 Years of Inquiry comes from a fanfic, and is labelled OOC. I... do kind of agree, as far as canon LWJ goes.

So for me, in order for “13 Years of Inquiry” to work, you need LWJ to be a bit more... fanciful, I guess? and more prone to holding onto the past without letting it go. To me, that’s not really LWJ; he loves deeply, and carries his losses with him, but I wouldn’t say he’s actively and willfully keeping himself in a state of mourning with his losses. The one other major loss we see for him is his mother, and LXC draws some parallels with WWX and their mother. As minahomine has pointed out, the audio drama gatcha game has a lil extra in which little Lan Zhan goes to the Gentian House to play Rest for his mother. And I honestly vibe with that a lot. His dearest wish isn’t to cling to those he lost or to his own grief; rather, he wishes that his loved ones can have peace.

For me I think although “13 Years of Inquiry” does seem to have that Orpheus element of poetic mourning and grief to it, if I look at what it implies for LWJ’s character, it starts breaking down because to me it indicates a kind of self-centered willfulness, and that’s not something we see from LWJ. He’s very respectful of Wei Wuxian and his wishes, and although he tries to convince Wei Wuxian in the past, he doesn’t ever force or coerce WWX into anything. And when WWX comes back too, we see him less giving in terms of WWX’s antics, but I don’t think he’s ever outright self-serving in his actions and interests. The time we do see him lose control and “forces” something, he shows regret over it.

So for me, I think what I like a lot more than the idea of “LWJ spent 13 years pining and trying to contact WWX’s spirit” is “LWJ spent 13 years mourning but also healing, and by way of that he would play Rest to try to help WWX’s spirit find the peace that eluded him prior to his death”

*crawls out of woodwork between processing cases at work*

I Am Once Again- advocating for “13 Years of Rest” headcanon to take its rightful place within fanon vs “13 Years of Inquiry”

[kyohiba]

snow white + prince cursing. jiang cheng and wen ning fix it post canon au

WEN NING TAKING A BLOW TO THE CHEST FOR JIN LING N JC TAKING AN ARROWN TO THE HEART FOR WEN NING LMAO

ssyifpfff🌙 i dig it, havent thot much of it tho

May 16 ssyifpfff🌙 but the idea of wen ning trailing behing sizhui and jc trailing behing jin ling n thm meeting while they keep their respective babies safe os *kisses filgers* DOLCE

May 16 i feel like a whole 4th eye of mine opened to that... but my mind probably wont be able to focus much. i hate how i can only hyperfixate in one or two ships at time

ISNT IT SO DOLCE? FORTÍSSIMO!

yeeting patriarch jiang cheng's hostility decreasing as they kept meeting...

yeeting patriarch perhaps wn and jc could get my ass more than jc with huaisang !?

but nothing will ever get ur ass more thn jc/happiness will it

jiang cheng n huaisang is v Aesthethic bc huaisang is a pretty pretty hoe

ssyifpfff🌙 bUT W WEN NING THERES A LOT OF ANGST

May 16 jc + happiness is all that matters

but... the sweet angst road of wn and jc...

yeeting patriarch IT CAN AND IT WILL LEAD TO HAPPINESS !?

and yea the Appeal of jc ano nhs is that huaisang is Very Pretty plus his scheming charm. but we arent given much canon background to work on this. not that it matters, lord knows we built the content when we really want to make anything

but The Flavor, of the canon background content for jc and wn Is There And It's Stronf

yeeting patriarch nevermind what i said im already ass deep into it. i love both jc and wn way too much, the appeal got me immediately

ssyifpfff🌙 ALSO BC WUXIAN DITCHED BOTH OF THEM FOR THT WANGJI D LMAO

May 16 ssyifpfff🌙 them bonding over how dumb wuxian would act "he would float in the water n pretend he drowned" "yea he told a-yuan he needed to be buried in order to grow big n tall like a raddish" they look at each other n want to laugh but jc doenst know if hes comfortable enough for tht n wn doenst know if hes allowed to

May 16 yeeting patriarch REPRESSED DUMB BABIES LAUGH TO UR HEARTS CONTENTS TOGETHER :(((((

but oh god, the way jiang cheng is,

their road would be So Long

yeeting patriarch another slow burn, uh...

and then so much confusion and conflicted angsty feelings along the way when everything is better because jc was almost forgetting that..........wen ning is dead :) hes a corpse. what future awaits them. this is terrifying

yeeting patriarch ...why cant i have anything nice and just soft. i need to throw angst in or i die?

ssyifpfff🌙 its awful its a terrible idea to ship tht what r u doin

May 16 ssyifpfff🌙 but wen ning being a pure boy, dogs would love him, dogs would gather around him bc he has a Good Aura, n jianc cheng just observes from afar thinkin How can he be so approachable whn hes a fierce corpse

May 16 ssyifpfff🌙 like it would have to start w jc thinkin wen ning is less thn a human u understand

May 16 yeeting patriarch

ssyifpfff🌙 SAJGDASDF

May 16 IM CRYING imagine one day jiang cheng finds wen ning, on the floor, on top of him there are like four different dogs all swaying their tails all that hyper bullshit dogs do.

the incident repeats quite a few times

yeeting patriarch jc notices dogs are drawn to wen ning?

ssyifpfff🌙 he notices MAYBE?? hes not a dangerous zombie after all???

May 16 he lets it slip and asks how wuxian reacted to it

as wwx is terrified of dogs

and wen ning is like. where we... spent most of our time... there were no dogs

(awkward silence timel

ah. ruined it again.

okay 2 take

when they're on those night hunts, wen ning + sizhui & jiang cheng + jin ling

fairy starts being Too Friendly towards wen ning

both jiang cheng and jin ling were initially taken aback by it

yeeting patriarch but as the time goes on... it Softens their heart

ssyifpfff🌙 iT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE BC FAIRY IS A SPIRITUAL DOG N IT WOULDNT NVR BE FRIENDLY TO AN EVIL GHOUL SO IT RLY MAKES THM SEE THT WEN NING ISNT A BAD GUY

May 16 ssyifpfff🌙 also take 2 on tht dog thing, wen ning is like "ah wei wuxian made me chase any dogs away, i quite like dogs but i had to" to remind jc of the puppies he had to give away bc of wwx lmao :)

May 16 yeeting patriarch THEY START REALIZING WEN NING IS THE PUREST ANGEL... and opening up, in their tsun ways, with him

yeeting patriarch i like how the canon wen ning art is him with a ginger cat, but for the sake of jiangning we made him a dog person

i honestly picture him being the snow white os mdzs, just all animals gathering around him

bird perching on his shoulders, deer eating from his hands. jiang cheng confused af

hes Prince Not Charming

ssyifpfff🌙 Prince Cursing, if u will

May 16 yeeting patriarch WEN NING SNOW WHITE OF MDZS AND HIS PRINCE CURSING JIANG CHENG IM YELLINGGFFKDJSKSK

yeeting patriarch jiang cheng going thru the trees and shit then he finds wen ning all surrounded by all animals cutely around him, the birds singing, some squirrels on the top of his head, a butterfly kissing his nose and suddenly the scene seem to have 💖Sparkles 💖 around. jiang cheng is like *rubs his eye and looks again* What

ssyifpfff🌙 "hey you... you have some animals on you" n wen ning was just super still he only focuses on jc "Oh yes. they do this sometimes. its ok i enjoy it"

May 16 ssyifpfff🌙 "everytime i wake up theres a few little ones on me, they must think im a rock or something" jiang cheng, internally, seein all the animals: CLEARLY THEY ENJOY IT TOO???

May 16 yeeting patriarch JIANG CHENG MACHINE BROKE

ssyifpfff🌙 MEAN JIANG CHENG.EXE STOPPED WORKING

May 16 PRECISELY HENSKLDGSKLS

i would like the idea of, somewhere farther into the future,

some cultivator bitch being mean to wen ning and by instinct jiang cheng ends up standing for wen 5

wen ning*

but then hes a sect leader and...

yknow how it wouldnt work

yeeting patriarch BUT A NYARI CAN DREAM!?

THEY CAN AT LEAST BE ... LIKE.... PHILTATOS

ssyifpfff🌙 MOST BELOVED

May 17 jiang cheng has responsibilities but thEY CAN BE LIKE YOU KNOW.... CASUAL

ssyifpfff🌙 they dont gotta marry. not every couple can be wangxian

May 17 PHILTATOSSSSSSSS

tbh im all in for casual couples too

yeeting patriarch not everyone needs or can have Marriage

hmmmmmm the more jc starts seeing The Light in wn, when they're at the middle of the road,

yeeting patriarch more tangled his emotions get?

he was supposed to LOATHE wen ning but then he sees what happened wasnt wen nings fault. hes angry, who to blame then? wuxian! but it also isnt entirely wwx's fault he lost the control, the dark cultivation is a dangerous path after all... and wwx had a lot on his shoulders... and most of all: it was the only path he could follow without his golden core :) the very golden core that now resides inside jc. who should he blame? who should he hate?? Himself???

yeeting patriarch goddammit can i stop with the suffering

me: snow white au hehe you, chaotic bastard: what if jiang cheng hated himself lmao

i hate specifically tht iT MAKES SENSE

ssyifpfff🌙 HE SPENT. OVER A DECADE BLAMING WEN NING N WUXIAN N TO REALIZE HE WAS WRONG, HE WASTED ALL THOSE YEARS. WHOS HE GONNA TURN THT HATE TOWARD??? HIMSELF OFC!!!!! OF COURSE!!!!!!1

May 17 HOLD UP THAT I GRAB BOTH OF US TO JUMP INTO THE HELL HOLE BUT I CAN ALSO SAVE US

listen up,

one day all those feelings that keep growing and bottling up inside jc overflow and he explodes in yelling and tears and etc

wen ning, whom was with him, witness all that

yeeting patriarch and tries to soothe his state of mind

yeeting patriarch telling him that it's no one's fault. none of them couldve known what would happen. all sides had their good intentions here and there, but unfortunately fates can twist it in a way they never expected

BUT THEN jc returns with an "then why do u look like u blame yourself as well?" BECAUSE WEN NING DOES

yeeting patriarch sorry apparently the half brain cell i have working, only does suffering hours

"THEN WHY DO U BLAME URSELF"

nyari u sAID U COULD SAVE US

ssyifpfff🌙 wen ning is like "..............." jiang cheng: i know it wasnt anyones fault but then what am i supposed to feel? who am i supposed to hate??"

May 17 yeeting patriarch IM LAUGHINGS O MUCH IM NOT BRSTJINENSKS

wen ning is like No one. there isnt any1 to blame anymore

ssyifpfff🌙 im franctically tryin to make it bETTER NYARI LEND ME A HAND DAM IT

May 17

MY THROAT HURTS IM TOO BROKE LIKE (MANIC LAUGHTER)

yeeting patriarch okay lemme get myself back together and try to offer some fix it

yeeting patriarch me: *shaking, weakly offering a tiny ass pink hello kitty band aid* This Will Fix Everything (the hell hole im offering the band aid for is like 17cm)

yeeting patriarch wen ning goes confident mode again and says that he cant help it as much jc and wwx, all of them will feel guilty no matter what anyone says. they tried their best but it backfired and they will need, they have to, learn how to live in terms with it. not forgetting, but still forgiving themselves and each other

wen ning obv has the wisdom of some1 who has died, seen death, been death, and come back to life

he has an appreciation for the little things no others would have

if any1 could emotionally guide jc it wOULD BE HIM1!

ssyifpfff🌙 "i have regrets too, but theres no choice for any of us but to live w them n learn"

May 17 ssyifpfff🌙 ALSO

May 17 ssyifpfff🌙 i think wen nings sensibility woULD BE SO GOOD FOR JC, hes always tense he needs a break of him just being so still tht birds can perch on his shoulders

May 17

WEN NINGGGGGGGGG

yeeting patriarch he'll literally become jc's heaven sent angel... his solace and calm

like, after that breakdown and the things wen ning said

yeeting patriarch jiang cheng actually does feel... Lighter

wen ning boutta be jiang chengs therapist

ssyifpfff🌙 its what he needs

May 17 but as jiang cheng starts dealing better with his internal demons

he starts seeing more too that wen ning isnt only light

wen ning carries his pain too, inevitably

and jc starts to help wn as well

yeeting patriarch each other's company start being the healing they needed?

woke

ssyifpfff🌙 jiang cheng teached wn confidence and wen ning teaches jiang cheng stillness and softness

May 17 i teared up here

after The Wen Ning Effect, and jiang cheng softening. people of his sect start to be... less afraid of him? AND BETTER, the respect level only grows!

jiang cheng realizing there is strength in softness too

that to be tender doesnt mean to be weak

of course his actions arent Oh, Super Obvious as he is a tsun

yeeting patriarch but u can feel The Difference on his aura

YOU HAVE TO BE SOFT TO BE STRONG JIANG CHENG

ASKJDAJSDGF

ssyifpfff🌙 I KNOW THAT WHEN LOVE IS LOST..............

May 17 yeeting patriarch I LOVE HOW IN SYNC WE ARE MY MIND ALSO WENT SOFT TO BE STRONF .MP3

ssyifpfff🌙 WE'VE KNOWN IT ALL ALONG THE TRUTH IS............ YOU HAVE TO BE S

May 17 yeeting patriarch ME, ON THE FLOOR, SOBBING, SINGING ALONF,

ssyifpfff🌙 EXTREME MOOD RN

May 17 yeeting patriarch we did done it again and again... i cannot believe it

honestly if the ppl in his sect see tht jc has the ghost general over for tea they'd be like Wow sect leader cheng rly is amazing

ssyifpfff🌙 hes so fearless

May 17 im tearing up again

HMMMMMMMMM his relationship with wen ning also being a bridge for some fixing for his relationship with wuxian...........

takes so much time and it's slow

but

after he took it all in, and especially wen nings words that he shouldn't forget to forgive, and has to live with it

he starts Understanding the events. that is was inevitable. and that the anger would not help nor be good for any of them

yeeting patriarch that for the ones around them (like jin ling) they need to... overcome it

*sobbing* wen ning even helping him to overcome his inferiority complex !?

yeeting patriarch making jc see that this and this sides of him are greater and make up for this and this other ones. that he, too, was of vital importance on here and there

tht the ppl around him look up to him, tht they dont compare him to wuxian, tht the strenght he has shown isnt just coming from his golden core but from his choices as well

from his leadership

also jiang cheng realizing yanli wouldnt want him to hate

ssyifpfff🌙 the worst part abt yanlis death is tht we dont ever hear her last words

May 17 ssyifpfff🌙 she doesnt get to finish sayin thm, we dont know what she was gonna say to wuxian n i firmly believe tht if she has finished n she had said she didint blame him, thn jiang cheng wouldnt have been as hung up on hate as he was

May 17 yeeting patriarch

yeeting patriarch tbh yanli... she just Understood more. faster than the two dense dumbasses

SHE WAS SO BRIGHT

AND MATURE

ssyifpfff🌙 I MISS HER EVERYDAY

May 17 and it's like. Obvious she wouldnt want them to be that way. she would want them to understand the terms of the situation and overcome it TOGETHER

IM SO SAD SHE DESERVED BETTER :(((

but after jiang cheng learns how to deals with his demons,

and most important of all: Grows (emotionally)

he starts seeing things a bit more like his sister would

yeeting patriarch WWYLD (What Would YanLi Do)

yeeting patriarch hmm now what's left is his daddy issues

WWYLD!!!!!

sadasdfsf the fuck jiang dad

ssyifpfff🌙 can u believ wen ning is jiang chengs love+fear era

May 17 hmmmmmmmm let's say that as he watches himself raise jin ling he starts to understand his dad couldn't be easy on him. and that he Had To be softer on wwx's for his situations

i cant go deeper on this one because his dad messed up

yeeting patriarch but let's say that was really the case,

ssyifpfff🌙 yes theres no excuse for his dad, he had a soft spot for wwx n his favoritism showed

May 17 ssyifpfff🌙 its more like, its important for jc to Know it doesnt matter, he grew up to be a good leader n tht proved his dad wrong

May 17 IT'S HARD TO FIND A SITUATION OUT OF HIS DAD REASONS he messed up

BUT!!! YES!!!!!!!

learn to let go of those feelings towards his dad

yeeting patriarch and the day it finally fully clicked inside him that he became an amazing sect leader, he proved it

it's also important that he could realize having wwx golden core inside him means as if wwx really kept his promise

he stayed by his side

yeeting patriarch a very important piece of wwx will always be with him

[crossdressingdeath]

(1/2) I’ve noticed that the two most popular pairings for JC are when people ship him with LXC or NHS, and like…that just kind of goes to show how this guy has no relationships with anyone but the people forced to like him because they're related to him. LXC really doesn't have many interactions with JC at all, and definitely nothing to make you think that they were even distant friends. And NHS? Pretty sure they only hung out together when they were kids because of WWX

was going to die that day. Also JC was probably one of the few people who weren't part of the Jin sect who knew that something was off with the Wen remnants, because at the very least he'd seen A-Yuan before, so he knew there was a child there (and that's another thing - I've seen a lot of arguments about JC torturing demonic cultivators, but no one seems to talk about how he was totally fine killing the wen remnants, which included A CHILD).

After that he has years to come to terms with everything that happened, and the fact that his sister had sacrificed her life to PROTECT her brother. But no, JC decides to torture anyone that reminds him of WWX, and then treat his supposedly beloved sister's child like utter crap. It's actually so messed up, he has suffered from this kind of parenting for YEARS and then he goes and treats JYL's child like that? And then on top of all of that, even though he knows how his sister really died,

he seems totally cool with letting JL think that WWX did straight up murder JYL. Doesn't even try to tell JL what he really saw happen (always bothered me how characters keep saying that WWX killed JYL, and I don't know if that's because some of them really didn't see what happened, or if they're all playing the blame game but...JC definitely knows what happened).

(This is the ask that I’m pretty sure is missing a bit.)

Yeah, ships for JC always seem to be “Well, which characters don’t completely and openly despise him and aren’t related to him?” And sometimes not even that; he’s shipped with WN and WWX sometimes, after all. (Sadly the ones with WWX generally aren’t filled with angst and suffering as JC is cruel and abusive and then hurt/comfort later. I checked. If you find any of those let me know, WWX suffering and then eventually getting that sweet sweet comfort is always a delight.) The pickings are slim with a character who drives people away from him as efficiently as JC does.

And yeah, JC knew the Wen remnants were no threat. But hey! They’re Wens! That means they’re totally complicit in the deaths of the Jiangs, because it’s not like a guy who oppressed the four other great sects and all the smaller sects as efficiently as WRH did could have been oppressing his own people too! Clearly the Wen remnants deserve to die because they’re related to him! JC wanted to kill fifty innocent people to soothe his pride over WWX choosing someone else over him and because he thought the only correct way of avenging the deaths of his whole clan down to the youngest child was to slaughter their whole sect down to the youngest child. The only thing making JC better than WRH morally speaking is that JC isn’t capable of the level of masterminding and strongarming that WRH managed and I will die on this hill.

And yeah, JC is more focused on making sure that everyone hates WWX than he is on... I don’t know, giving his nephew closure? Helping him understand that his parents loved him very much and only left him because they wanted to do the right thing? Teach him moderation and how to examine the risks of a situation instead of just teaching him mindless hate? After all, that’s the real sticking point here: if JL knows that his parents died accidentally while trying to protect WWX, he might begin to think that maybe WWX wasn’t pure evil and deserving of an agonizing death! And if he starts to think that he might start wondering if JC’s “““““righteous”“““““ slaughter was really as ““““righteous”“”“ as JC tells him it is! And we can’t have that. Also, the fact that JL, having known WWX for maybe a couple of months at most and having spent his childhood being told that WWX is irredeemably evil, does a better job of coming to terms with the fact that WWX is a good person at heart and didn’t mean for JYL to die for his sake or want her to than JC does in thirteen years is both hilarious and very, very sad. JC is less mature than a thirteen year old. I hope he’s proud of himself.

Most of the cultivation world as a whole probably does think WWX killed JYL. Remember, the only ones we know saw what happened were JC and LWJ, and LWJ wasn’t exactly capable of discussing the matter the first few years after it happened, what with seclusion and all. That gave JC plenty of time to firmly plant his version of events in the public consciousness. So, naturally, everyone now believes that WWX killed JYL. After all, why would JC lie?