#when we first reconnected we used to video chat and he made me uncomfortable by asking stuff like if I m*sterbated or watched p*rn | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bbugyu · 4 years ago

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how jeonghan knew

a journey with yoon jeonghan, lee seokmin, and you.

there was always something about his infectious laugh and his genuine nature that felt like fate to jeonghan, and maybe you were the muse that kept their red thread in tact.

prelude | part one | part two | part three | epilogue

wc.10662 (LMFAO) | fluff, smut, courtship, angsty in the beginning, polyamory, sugar daddy!jeonghan musician!seokmin escort!reader, hi cheol, hi gyu (again), hi boo, hi wonu, gay pining, jk he's pan probably, discovering sexuality, daddy kink, special guest seokmin!!!!!, threesome, lots of mlm, oral, cumpla, handjobs, choking, butt plugs, male penetration, there's a full on reader-less memberxmember sex scene idk, unprotected sex, please use condoms, jeonghan gets overwhelmed, the TEASING, jeonghan being a home improvement freak, don’t mind han jisung he’s just vibing, required listening is positions (2020) by ariana grande because it’s a perfect album

and here we have poly seokhan: the gayening!!! this is going to be the end of my scheduled updates for neverending artistry, but i’ll be posting an epilogue when i finish it - probably after i post a couple of other fics. this chapter.... is my fave......... i think u will see why lol. i went ahead and got a lil carried away with the house stuff but LISTENNNN i watch a lot of architecture videos ok LFJDSJ

thank you all so much for your continued support and incredible feedback on this series! it seriously means so much to me and i love seeing asks and messages from everyone telling me how excited they are to read more. i hope this satisfies you!!!

jeonghan is pretty sure he always loved seokmin. it wasn't something he would ever be able to change about himself, he figured, as he watched his friend date woman after woman in college with varying seriousness. he decidedly ignored any amount of feelings he harbored for the younger, especially after he dropped architecture as his major and he saw less of him.

jeonghan tried to get over the destined musician (he would always be singing or fiddling with his guitar when he was meant to be helping jeonghan with a diorama) with several women, and after decisively focusing on his career for a couple years, he found success in another man. his short lived gym buddy, but lasted quite a bit longer as his boyfriend. they had connected first when jeonghan had offhandedly commented that he liked the logo on his shirt, to which the long lashed, broad shouldered man had said he had gotten it at the brand's store down the street, making jeonghan chew his cheek before he admitted that he had helped design that location. they connected the second time later that night, clumsily but intensely, and jeonghan liked his plush pouty lips and how his messy black hair felt between his fingers.

while that didn't last forever, he found varied success in other men, and he figured this was why dating women had always been so difficult for him. definitely not that he had been given small choice amongst the rotten apples that attended his college.

he was single again, and at an industry party when he reconnected with an old friend from college who happily reminisced about the fun their small group of friends had back then. he asked if jeonghan remembered seokmin, the guy that dropped the program.

"lee seokmin?" he asked, his brows knitting as he tried to react normally to the name, and mingyu hit his shoulder, laughing.

"yeah! guess what? that son of a bitch is teaching my niece piano!"

jeonghan smiled at the idea of seokmin as a piano teacher, nodding along as mingyu talked about how he had volunteered to take her to her lesson one week, only to be put face to face with a long lost friend. jeonghan laughed as mingyu imitated the face the other had made, laughing harder when he recognized it and remembered seeing it on seokmin's face in the past, then telling mingyu about how he had once pranked him by making the poor guy think that he was going to fail a project because seokmin had accidentally destroyed a diorama. it had already been graded, and he was going to take it apart to save on materials anyways, but the younger nearly cried when he thought he had wasted hours of jeonghan's time and cost him the grade by accidentally kicking it off his desk.

he asked how seokmin was doing these days, and mingyu told him he seemed well, and that he takes his niece to her lessons as often as he can spare, just to chat for a while. "i could give you his number," he said, feeling his pockets for his phone. "i'm sure he'd love to hear from you."

mingyu had been right. seokmin did love hearing from him. and he loved the way seokmin made him laugh with his ever joking tone and physical comedy antics. the way his eyebrows creased as he tried to keep a stern face but was unable to hide the smile across his lips. the way he always fought with him for the check despite jeonghan being older and notably better off.

he didn't love, however, how seokmin nodded his head after the waitress and asked him if he thought he had a shot.

maybe he was desperate, or maybe he wanted an excuse to not date seriously, or maybe he just wasn't ready to let go, but jeonghan continued to invite seokmin out, despite the fact that their relationship would never develop past friends who met in college. he enjoyed his company anyways, even if it felt bittersweet.

he poured himself into his work for several months, taking more contracts than usual and keeping himself occupied, only really seeing others for meetings and constructions, or when he was depressed on a friday night and caved, asking seokmin to join him for drinks somewhere. he continued this cycle for too long, his personal assistant noticing his mood changes before most.

"are you taking your vitamins?"

"yes, seungkwan, i'm taking my vitamins," jeonghan bit back, fully aware that he wasn't asking about vitamins at all, but about his state. confirming he was still making an effort to take care of himself rather than spiraling, sat in his living room on a tuesday after being told by a doctor to rest, for god's sake as a solution to him nearly collapsing several hours earlier. seungkwan shifted on his feet, tongue running over his teeth as he stared at the architect, hands folded in front of him.

"you need to stop seeing him. it only hurts you."

jeonghan sighed, staring at the black screen of his television. "i know."

his assistant studied him. "you should come out with the team sometime," he said. "we get drinks on wednesdays, usually. come tomorrow, it could take your mind off things."

jeonghan looked up at seungkwan, who was clearly sucking on his cheek. he knew he was right. more importantly, seungkwan knew he knew, but jeonghan had a hard time wanting to take his mind off this one specific thing, considering the way this one specific thing laughed like a hyena, poured himself over a piano like an ocean wave, and sang along like an angel. his head fell back on the couch, and he had to take a long, conscious breath to lower the ringing in his ears at the silence. "i'll be there next time."

seungkwan exhaled in defeat, eyes flickering around as he excused himself and said goodnight, knowing his boss was lying.

jeonghan found you on accident - put in an uncomfortable corner by an ultimatum from his publicist and the circulating rumor that he sleeps with men because he can't keep a woman around that seemed to pile on top of everything else on his plate - and the second you opened your mouth, he knew you were special.

he remembered the profile he had seen from your broker, and knew you were attending university. he asked you your major, and when you told him you wanted to produce music for a living, something deep in him stirred. you had been sitting in his car for all of twenty minutes, and you nearly had him under your spell already.

he couldn't understand his fascination with you, but he continued to book you for dates, sometimes deciding what event he would be attending by asking what day you were available that week. he figured if he needed to prove to the world that he wasn't gay (which he was, he was pretty sure), you were the only one he was interested in doing it with.

maybe he had a thing for musicians.

he had taken out quite a few escorts before you, but none of them were nearly as fun. you always did an incredible job engaging in whatever event he brought you to, but also hit his chest as you tried to stifle a laugh at something he muttered into your ear, guiding you away. his friends liked you, too, the few he had. the ones that had met you. yongsun had even tugged him aside briefly, asking if he really liked you. you seemed nice, she had said. and good, in general, but also for him. she wanted to make sure he wasn't just leading you along to quiet some stupid rumor. he glanced at you, smiling wide as you excitedly discussed music with one of his other friends (the fifth and last person he liked at this event, the two of you included), and wasn't quite sure why he told her he actually liked you, but didn't feel the need to correct himself.

then you told him you were quitting, and he realized what he would be losing. then you kissed him, and he realized what he had been feeling. then you looked at him with wide eyes, just as shocked as he was by the explosion of fireworks you had both just experienced, and he realized what he had been missing out on all this time.

he figured he must have always loved you as his eyes scanned the hotel bar, confused at how you had managed to get away so quickly. he was running into the hall to see if you had escaped to the lobby when someone caught his arm.

"hey, you seen yongsun?"

jeonghan blinked at his blonde friend, recognizing her play. "have you seen y/n?"

"try the bathroom," she said, throwing a thumb over her shoulder in the direction she had come from.

he looked down the hall at the restroom signs, nodding. "i saw her at the chocolate fountain a minute ago."

byulyi patted his shoulder as she walked past him. "good luck, yoon."

it felt good telling you the truth, while sitting in your well organized and tastefully decorated studio apartment that you had insisted he would hate, even if he was too scared to admit all of it. why he had needed you before, but wanted you now. his heart nearly beat out of his chest when you agreed to his conditions, though he recognized that he had given you just about every advantage in the deal. it would have been near impossible for you to say no, especially after the way you had kissed him before someone had finally tried to enter the bathroom you were hiding in.

for a while, he only kissed you as a farewell, mostly because he enjoyed the old school romanticism of kissing a beautiful woman in the moonlight, her back against the passenger door of his black vehicle parked on the street outside her studio apartment. then, when he had invited you to his home after the two of you had ditched a boring dinner several hours early, you had curled up in his side to watch a movie. at some point, he caught you staring at him, and you put a hand on his cheek and kissed him sweetly. slowly. kissed him in a way that only made him crave more. you smiled, settling back into his side for the rest of the movie, and even though you had done it unconsciously, the back of your hand rested against his thigh in a way he had a hard time ignoring, and he decided he must have just had real shit taste in women before he had met you.

the following sunday, when you mentioned how pitch black the sky seemed at that late hour, having gotten caught up binging some drama, he not-so-vaguely hinted that he'd be okay with you spending the night in his bed. you eyed him, and he shrugged playfully.

"or i have guest rooms. up to you."

"i have class tomorrow," you tested.

"i can take you," he responded. "if you want."

you paused, watching him as he recorked the wine bottle the two of you had opened earlier in the evening but only managed to have one glass of each before abandoning it to cuddle on the couch. he was always so thoughtful, even in his teasing. he cared about your comfort. he wanted to maintain your boundaries. but it had been a really long time since you had gotten laid, and everything in you yearned to say yes. jeonghan's voice in your head reminded you, no expectations. this could be whatever you wanted out of it.

so you went to bed with him.

jeonghan would swear up and down that you were the most beautiful woman in the world, and his beliefs were only confirmed when he pulled your shirt off of you, dragging your pants down your legs, and got a real look at you for the first time. you felt unexplainably embarrassed under his gaze, asking if he was okay.

"yeah," he said breathlessly, a hand running up your side, your back arching slightly to his touch. he curled over you before he whispered "god, yeah, i'm more than okay," against your lips.

not even ten minutes had passed before you told him you loved him between your panting, and he was so ecstatic when he could tell you, wholly and truthfully, that he loved you, too. and after your pulses had died down and you were falling asleep in his arms, he said that if you were staying under his roof, you were not allowed in any guest rooms. that if you needed space, he would find a different bed to sleep in, because this one looked best with you in it, and he refused to have it any other way.

jeonghan never got bored with you. over time, you began going to his place after events and dinners more than he dropped you off at your apartment, becoming an often enough occurrence that he had asked you one night to fill an online shopping cart with clothes for you to keep in his closet, so you could stop this silly packing bags nonsense. he had already bought you a full set of toiletries for his bathroom, started keeping your favorite snacks in the pantry, and even gone as far as to buy you the house slippers you had offhandedly said were cute when the two of you wandered aimlessly around a mall together. you were becoming a part of his home in more ways than one, and he was happy to have you.

he offered you an unused office on the second floor when you started studying for finals on the peninsula of his kitchen counter one monday afternoon, and you asked what was wrong with you doing it where you were.

"because you're not going to clean it up," he pointed out.

"maybe if we had a rewards system," you argued. "if i clean up, i get a prize."

he laughed, rounding the small jut of countertop, thinking about how he would probably need a proper kitchen island if you were going to be sticking around. "just because i give you an allowance, doesn't mean you're a child. you're not supposed to focus on the baby part of sugar baby."

you pouted as you turned on the stool to face him, a hand gently tugging his tie to pull him into you. "what if i focus on the daddy part of sugar daddy?"

a hunger dropped in jeonghan, gazing down at you as you sat at his kitchen counter, surrounded by textbooks and notes. your eyes sparkled under the lights, and his fingers went behind your neck before he kissed you, muttering against your lips to try calling him that again, angel.

the kitchen remodel had gone about as smoothly as it could have, given the fact that it was nearly impossible to transport such a large slab of granite for his dream island without it snapping in half from its own weight, but they managed, and when the light fixture finally turned on for the first time after the new cabinet doors had been installed, he felt justified in remodeling a kitchen that had hardly needed updating. he felt even more justified when he came downstairs to find you, having woken up in an empty bed, only to have you yell at him as you flipped pancakes on the griddle of his new gas range, saying you were going to bring him breakfast in bed and if he didn't cooperate, he wouldn't see you for a week. he laughed at your threatening spatula, putting his hands up in surrender, unable to stop smiling as he made his way back up the stairs.

you had enrolled in online courses for your last year of school, mostly so you didn't have to be anywhere specific for several hours every day, and instead could keep your schedule massively open to cater to jeonghan's needs. this also meant you usually attended your afternoon lectures at his home, waiting for him to get off work and distract you.

then the two of you started attended wednesday drinks with the team. seungkwan had thanked you, though you hadn't realized that you were deserving of a thanks.

"he'll tell you when he wants to, i guess," he said, twirling the beer in his hand. "but he wasn't in a great place before he met you."

you could hear the subject of your exchange laughing further down the bar, and you wondered what kind of place he meant, but tapped your glass against seungkwan's instead of asking the question. "to better places."

he chuckled, bringing the beer to his lips. "cheers to that."

jeonghan enjoyed having you on his lap on the couch, listening to whatever r&b record you had chosen as you worked your lips against his. he nudged several kisses down your neck, and you mentioned offhandedly that there was a perfect place in his living room for a bar, pointing at the wall behind him. he pulled away from you, turning his body with an arm over the back of the sofa, and his head cocked as he stared at the wall that only held a painting. he silently agreed with you, wondering why you seemed to inspire all his recent projects as you nipped at his neck, drawing his attention back to you with a smile on his face.

the bar was finished in time to hire a bartender for a halloween party. he hadn't told the guests that it was an anniversary party, but you had been made aware of the secret arrangement during a conversation the two of you had over a private meal in your favorite restaurant the week before.

"a threesome," you asked, hoping for clarification.

"with a guy, preferably," jeonghan said. "but i could be convinced to approve of a girl if that's what you would like."

"you're being serious?" you seemed to find yourself asking him that a lot. every time he suggested something that he knew you wanted, you wondered if he was pulling your leg. "and you want me to choose?"

"yeah, at the party," he said, watching you shake your head incredulously with a smile on his face. the two of you had discussed the possibility in the past, and he thought it made a fun gift. an unexpected one, from someone who had enough money to comfortably gift you just about anything. "i have to approve, obviously, but you get to pick the candidates."

you thought a moment. "what if we can't agree on anyone?"

"then i take you to bed alone and we have fun anyways."

he laughed when you squinted at him.

"if the opportunity comes up down the line, we can try again later," he said. "but i thought this would give you something fun to do while i'm hosting guests."

and it had, as you sneakily scoped out the guests, flitting around the party of both familiar and unfamiliar faces in your angelic cheerleading costume. visiting and laughing heartily with the team, as well as your uni friends that jeonghan insisted you invite, offering them more drinks, then saying something about having to play hostess so you could continue your search. byulyi and yongsun were there, and you complimented their matching rapunzel and flynn get up, jeonghan catching you for just a second to ask if you needed anything.

you settled in on one target perhaps too quickly, without even really having made an effort to see all the options. you had been struck by the same sharp cheekbones, puppy dog eyes, and crooked smile that jeonghan had once fallen for. when he saw you tucked into lee seokmin's side, recognizing your flirting even from a distance and noticing how receptive the musician was to it, his heart fluttered, and he couldn't tell if it was a good or bad thing.

a good thing, he decided, when seokmin had asked him permission before he came in you. because, seemingly, sexuality was much more of a spectrum than jeonghan had once thought, and perhaps his college crush just needed the encouragement of an incredible woman to try something a little beyond his experience, much like he had.

and when you wouldn't stop mentioning the musician the two of you had enjoyed the company of while schmoozing guests at the opening of him and his friend's collaborative art exhibit, he got a slick idea. on the way home, he told you that you weren't allowed to make a noise until he hung up the phone, but you were already writhing in the passenger seat just as the phone rang.

and when he answered, you clamped a hand over your mouth, a bare foot landing on the dashboard as you tried to grind against jeonghan's hand, his voice steady as he talked to the younger.

and when he mentioned you, your walls pulsed around his fingers, a smile finding its way into his lips as he spoke. he tried not to take too much pleasure in the way you looked at him with begging eyes and your fist between your teeth, or in the way seokmin's tone dropped as he confirmed that he would get a cab, but he truly couldn't help himself when he made eye contact with seokmin as you sucked him off, his hips canting into yours recklessly, forcing seokmin to break the contact as he reacted to your moan on his cock.

he noticed the way seokmin's hips began to move on their own, begging for enough control to chase his nearing high in your mouth but having it brought right to his doorstep instead. jeonghan felt your perfect heat cling to him in reaction, and before he could think to stop himself, he pulled you into his chest by your throat, not daring to let you claim it all as he lapped cum from your mouth. you whimpered against him, your orgasm lasting impossibly long as he fucked into you, getting milked by your needy walls.

when he caught seokmin staring directly at him, he grinned and wiped the back of his hand across his chin and lower lip, languidly licking any escaped cum off it, and asked if he wanted to try his, too.

seokmin agreed, nodding shakily before jeonghan massaged at your sides, pumping himself into you a few more times. he told you to give seokmin's mouth a ride. you groaned, his cum dripping down your thighs.

jeonghan watched the younger's cock twitch as you moaned over him, one hand on the wall and the other on his scalp, his fingers digging into your thighs. he stared at how it never lost hardness. he didn't even realize that his hands were on seokmin's hip and thigh before he even asked if he could touch him, but a large hand left your thigh to shakily bring jeonghan's to his thick cock, answering the question despite you occupying his mouth, his fingers lingering over jeonghan's as he pumped his length.

he couldn't deny that how badly he wanted to fuck seokmin, but he could settle for making him cum in his hands until he was ready for something more, especially with the surprising amount he had to give after already having cum once. he let himself indulge in a single lick across seokmin's sensitive slit - though it was hard to stop there - triggering a garbled moan before he left to shower.

a week or so later, jeonghan asked you if you were interested in dating seokmin. you put your phone down and rolled over in bed, propped up on your elbows as you asked him what he meant.

"i love you," jeonghan assured, pulling you to lay closer to him. "and i can tell you like him."

you studied his face. "but i'm with you."

"that doesn't have to stop," he said, smiling at you as he tucked a hand behind his head. you eyed his arm briefly, then refocused on him. "but you know how things get in the winter, and i would be okay with you trying things out with him while i'm busy."

"you're being serious?"

jeonghan laughed at the familiar question. "yes, y/n, i'm being serious. i know you want me, but i also know you want more than me."

you had never told anyone about your desire for multiple partners, not even admitted it out loud to yourself, so his candid assessment caught you off guard. "how did you-"

"just little things you've said," he teased, leaving you to question how much you had revealed about yourself without realizing. "besides, no one can deny the chemistry."

you paused. "boundaries?"

"just tell me," he said, putting his arms around you and tugging you into him. "i just want to know when you're seeing him. and, eventually, i would like to be invited every once in a while."

"invited to dates?" you asked, throwing a leg over his lap to straddle it as you laid over him. "or invited to bed?"

he smiled up at you, hands running over your rear. "either. both. whatever you two want."

you agreed, but only after you made him promise he would tell you if anything changed for him. that he had to tell you about every doubt and worry he had. "i'll always choose you," you stated plainly, lips brushing against his as he gently rolled his growing length up against your clothed heat. "no matter what, i'll choose you."

"i know, sweetheart," he said, a hand on your cheek as he kissed you. "i promise."

after he came back from a business trip in december, you admitted to him that you and seokmin had exchanged i love yous, and he just put an arm over your shoulder and turned down the volume on the tv, telling you that he was pretty sure he loved seokmin, too.

"it was him, wasn't it?" you asked, studying his profile. "he was the guy you couldn't get over?"

jeonghan rubbed his face with one hand, sighing. "yeah, it was him."

"why didn't you say anything?"

he thought a moment. "i didn't want you to feel obligated, i guess."

your fingers straightened the seams of his long sleeved shirt across his shoulder. "obligated to win him over for you?"

"obligated to love him, too."

"jokes on you," you giggled. "he's very easy to fall in love with."

jeonghan supposed that was true, thinking of how quickly he had fallen for him, even back before he had admitted he liked men. how he had fallen into the same spot even years later, just over a shared meal and a few bottles of soju.

but you were easy to fall in love with too, he thought, remembering how he hadn't even understood his feelings towards you until you had kissed him, but he had felt them strong enough to want you to stay by his side anyways. maybe jeonghan just fell easily, but maybe he was lucky enough to have found his people at such a young age.

you settled back into the crook of his arm and asked him what he thought about seokmin coming over to join you two for christmas. while much of the world celebrated with family, it was more of a hallmark holiday in korea, often times spent with a long time sweetheart or a budding romance. or both, in your case, jeonghan supposed, when you were distracted trying to find the third christmas music lp you had specifically gotten for the occasion (out of eight, of course, because you didn't want to run out of christmas music). he was leaning against the tasteful home bar that had been hardly touched since halloween when seokmin shyly admitted that he knew jeonghan was interested in him.

he said nothing for a moment. "she told you?"

"kind of, back when you were in japan, but-" seokmin paused. "i think she was just suspicious, but i should have known. you were always too kind to me."

"not too kind," jeonghan said, hiding behind his wine as he sipped at it, trying not to show his embarrassment.

"i think i'm interested, too."

he looked at seokmin, who was staring down at his hands. "are you sure?"

"i'm-" he paused, catching jeonghan's eyes for only a second before scratching the back of his neck. "i think so. i've never even thought about doing anything with - uh - men. until you."

"that's okay," jeonghan said, looking to where you were flipping through records. "i didn't like women until y/n."

seokmin faltered. "wait, really?"

he nodded, a small smile on his face. "i thought i was gay. turns out i'm not."

"but you-" the musician stretched his jaw. "weren't you kind of a player in college?"

he almost said something about how having sex to meet an end and keep an appearance was different than enjoying it, but stopped himself when you announced that you had found the lost record, switching the lps with a flourish and setting the player again. and while he was curious about the level of seokmin's interest in him, he was happy to leave the conversation where it stood when you excitedly rejoined them at the bar.

"do you think i could be a bartender?" you asked, leaning over the counter and grabbing an unused shaker.

"probably," seokmin said.

"for sure no," jeonghan laughed.

you pouted at the latter, holding the shaker between your hands as you directed your attention to the former. "thank you, seokmin. i appreciate you encouraging my dreams."

"any time," he joked.

jeonghan rolled his eyes. "what about that music degree i'm paying for?" he asked, taking another sip.

"just because you've known what you wanted to do forever, doesn't mean everyone does. maybe i'll change my mind." you tried to spin the shaker in your hand, but the force you used was too little and it stopped on your palm too quickly, clumsily clattering to the counter. you stilled it, exhaling sharply when jeonghan giggled beside you, looking to seokmin. "he might be right."

"it's almost like i know you," jeonghan teased, nudging you. "she was convinced she could become my personal bartender for all of two weeks."

"i tried," you whined. seokmin laughed. "the tricks are harder than they look."

"and you hated shaking drinks."

you put the shaker back, defeated. "the ice made it cold."

"isn't that the point?" seokmin asked.

jeonghan smiled at you. "you're lucky i like wine."

"i'm gonna talk to you now," you announced, turning your body to seokmin. "because you're nicer to me than he is."

"aw," the architect chuckled, and seokmin watched you react to a squeeze at your butt. "did he make you soft? can't take my teasing anymore?"

you ignored him, trying to ask the man in front of you about his lessons, but you yelped when his hand firmly landed on your ass, grabbing seokmin's arm in reaction. he looked at you, seemingly just as shocked, and you tried to continue the conversation, but jeonghan's hand didn't leave, and your entire body was reacting to the way it was slowly hiking up your skirt and running between your thighs.

your eyes fell shut, and you muttered for him to cut it out as your grip on seokmin's arm tightened, but jeonghan just made eye contact with the other male, asking him instead if he should.

without thinking, seokmin shook his head and put his hands on your jaw, pulling you in to kiss him. your moan against his lips was involuntary, and jeonghan grinned as his fingers ran over your core, making you whine.

"did you tell him?" you gasped out, asking seokmin with hooded eyes. he shook his head, saying that he hadn't told him everything.

"told me what?" jeonghan asked, interest piqued as he put down his glass, pulling his hand out from your skirt and placing them on your hips instead, squeezing gently as he stood behind you, and your head fell back into his shoulder without much intention as you licked your lips. "seokmin?"

he pulled his gaze, trained on your mouth, to look at jeonghan, and he felt his breath stop in his throat as he fully processed the sight in front of him. you gasped again, as jeonghan's hand came up to knead at your breast, and you tried to pull seokmin closer, but he didn't stop moving even when he was pressed against you.

jeonghan thought he might faint. he wasn't sure what he had been expecting, but when seokmin's hand found the back of his neck and pulled him over your shoulder, his mind went blank. when his lips found his, his vision went white. when he felt his tongue against the inside of his teeth, he couldn't help but moan, one hand gripping your waist and the other aimlessly tugging on seokmin's shirt, seemingly just to hold something that belonged to him.

"fuck, okay," jeonghan breathed, staring after the musicians lips even when they left. you giggled, recognizing the feeling. "okay," he repeated. "got it. understood."

you spun around, hands on jeonghan's chest. "we prepared something for you," you said, and seokmin's cheeks and ears were bright red when he sheepishly nodded with you.

jeonghan looked between the two of you, swallowing suddenly. "what?"

you tugged on his hand, then grabbed seokmin's, too, when he didn't move right away, leading them both to walk around the couch. you pulled jeonghan onto the cushions with you, kissing him briefly before he realized someone was between his knees. when he saw him, that was when jeonghan's dick woke up, suddenly realizing what was happening.

"be nice," you muttered against the shell of his ear, your hand running down his torso. "it's his first time."

seokmin's hands were strong but gentle, and despite never having touched a dick that wasn't attached to him, he knew what felt good. he needed a bit of guidance from you to begin, less from lack of knowing the process and more because he was nervous, but quickly found a comfortable rhythm. jeonghan sighed when he finally got pulled out of his pants, and you were sucking a mark into his neck, his arm wrapped around you and his hand kneading at your rear. his eyes could hardly stay open when seokmin ran his flattened tongue up the underside of his cock.

"isn't he pretty?" you asked, whispering, a smile on your lips.

he groaned, threading his fingers behind seokmin's ear, desperately trying to hold back his release because he hasn't even put you in his mouth, yet, jeonghan, for god's sake, keep it together. the younger's eyes flickered up to his, and he nearly came just from the feeling of his soft lips around his member, sinking slowly.

"fuck, you're too good at this," jeonghan said, the half chuckle on his lips falling quickly when seokmin's tongue ran over a vein, the warmth of his mouth feeling like heaven. his teeth bit down on his lower lip, watching your hand run through seokmin's hair. he hummed at the contact, his grip tightening slightly, sending a jolt through jeonghan's system. "fuck, i'm gonna cum already."

"there were lessons," you giggled, your hands wrapping casually around his neck. his breathing hitched, eyes falling shut, focusing on the mouth sheathing his cock as he recognized your fidgeting fingers over his pulse. "merry christmas, daddy."

he inhaled sharply right before you squeezed at his throat, and he thought that he should maybe let you lead more often if it was going to feel this good. seokmin seemed surprised by the feeling of jeonghan cumming in his mouth, but he did his best to pump every drop from him, swallowing thickly. you only smiled when jeonghan sat up, leaving you behind as he pulled seokmin's face to his, his hands running up jeonghan's thighs as he kissed him.

jeonghan decided the sunroom extension was all wrong, and that he'd have to redo it.

"you just built that," wonwoo said, having been the contractor that oversaw the construction. "besides, it's snowy season, we can't do outdoor construction. you'll have to wait til spring."

"not outdoor," jeonghan said, rolling out the drafting papers he had drawn up over the course of his new year break, the final pieces being completed in the wee hours of that morning. he had sent wonwoo a text as soon as he thought he would be awake, asking for a meeting despite it only being two days after the new year. "the shell can stay the same, we just need to build indoors. besides, i need this done in february."

wonwoo blinked at him. "when in february?"

"it has to be fully furnished by the 18th."

the contractor laughed at the deadline, only a month and a half out, as he looked over jeonghan's drafts. it would be a tight schedule, considering the structural changes he wanted, but he recognized his long time work partner's determination and knew there was little he could do to argue. "okay. let's get to work."

he turned down a contract for a café to make time for the new home project, but not before recommending they contact a kim mingyu, giving him the vaguest thank you for introducing seokmin back into his life. he didn't have time to draw several attempted variations of every café he had ever designed, he was too busy mapping out the logistics of adding a lofted space to the two story sunroom. too busy planning to tear out the outer wall of your office and picking the right sliding glass doors that would lead to the loft. you had to ask him several days in a row before he finally told you what he had planned.

"a music room?"

he tried to gauge your reaction. "is it crazy?"

you broke out into a smile, studying his design, gripping the mug that held your latté that morning. "absolutely, but i love it."

he asked you to help him pick instruments, saying his wishlist included a white grand piano and three to five guitars that could be displayed together. he also told you to pick out your dream computer setup for production - you were graduating that year, afterall, and it was about time you started using something other than your laptop and a midi controller to make music - and you almost started crying from how fucking excited that made you.

hiding the plans from seokmin was the hardest part, especially when he started spending weekends at the house. he saw the construction area often, and one friday afternoon, he had even asked if he could help, leaving you to usher him away and assure him that jeonghan didn't like help when it came to these things. he believed the white lie, allowing you to distract him with the option of watching shit television in bed, even convincing him that tonight was the night to surprise his new boyfriend. seokmin laid in bed with his arms wrapped around you, trying not to move too much, fully aware that even the slightest movements in his body caused his dick to come to life, until the last of the workers left and jeonghan appeared, asking if there were dinner requests before he went to take a shower.

seokmin had been training with you for over a week. you had bought him some toys, even helped him try them out in the comfort of his loft, and he got increasingly excited - generally, but also in those moments - to show jeonghan what he had learned. the surprise he had been keeping had already made him beg you to cockwarm him as he waited, but you refused on account of knowing him, and by extension, knowing that he would not being able to stop himself. he had a bit more confidence, though it may have only been fueled by horniness, when he pulled the vaguely sweaty architect toward him on the bed. he tried to say something about how he should really wash up, but seokmin just kissed him, hands gripping around his skull in desperation, his dick already hard against jeonghan's pelvis.

jeonghan's hands wandered, as they usually did, and when he reached down to palm at seokmin's ass, he reacted in a way that earned him a questioning glance.

"we - ah-" his eyes shut, jeonghan's hands getting closer to his surprise. "she's been helping me-"

and that was when he felt it. the small, hard handle of a plug, situated between seokmin's perky asscheeks, easy to feel through the loose fabric of his shorts, and jeonghan felt his arousal tenting his pants just from the concept.

jeonghan hadn't even noticed your movement off the bed until a bottle of lube hit his leg, looking down at it briefly before looking to you.

"i'm gonna go clean up," you said, running a hand through your hair as you retreated to the bathroom, leaving jeonghan with an already flustered seokmin.

before long, he had him on his back, naked, and finally got to see how sweet his little ass looked when jeonghan pushed his knees towards his chest. when he saw the black knob fitting tightly into his hole, he groaned, his own bare cock flinching in need. he put a hand on seokmin's dick, gripping it lightly, then put a thumb against the plug.

"nngh- fuck," seokmin stammered, fingers gripping at the bedsheets as his neck stretched out against the pillows, bucking into the hand wrapped around him. "j-jeonghan…"

"this is cute," he said, slowly moving his thumb in a circular motion, the plug's movement making seokmin let out choked moans. "but i really need to play with you now."

seokmin nodded, hurriedly, brows knit together. "please."

he hooked his fingers under the knob of the plug, slowly pulling it out and relishing in the reaction. the younger's back arched in a way that jeonghan wished he could see from every angle, knowing that the way his shoulders and back looked must have been incredible, but satisfied by just watching the way his mouth hung open and his eyes clamped shut, his fingers gripping at jeonghan's hand where it stayed on his dick.

he began to pump the dick in his palm, setting aside the plug and grabbing the lube, popping it open with just his left hand and quickly squirting a healthy amount onto the tip of seokmin's penis, making quick work of spreading it completely over the engorged member, the slickness making him moan even louder and reach out for jeonghan's shoulders.

he let seokmin tug him over him, kissing him briefly before looking down at where the younger's thighs spread over his, wanting nothing more than to just fuck him already.

jeonghan's hand left seokmin's cock, leaving him whining against his lips, but it was short lived as his lubed fingers slid down to his puckered hole.

"seokmin," he muttered, studying his face. "you're sure, right?"

"fuck, i've been wanting this for since christmas, jeonghan," he sputtered out, eyes barely able to focus when there were fingers teasing his entrance. "yes, please, i'm sure."

jeonghan slid a digit into the tight hole, watching seokmin's face as his brows creased and his head fell back, a moan tumbling from his lips. another finger, jeonghan decided, and the reaction was similar, making him smirk.

"god, you're ready, aren't you?"

"please," he begged. "i want you."

jeonghan sat back, and the musician got on his elbows to watch as he readied his cock with lube, putting more on his finger and spreading it around seokmin's hole. he whined when jeonghan placed the head of his dick at his entrance, tugging him over him again.

"i'll go slow, okay?" jeonghan assured him. "tell me if i need to stop."

seokmin just nodded, eyes trained on his, and they locked lips as jeonghan pushed his hips forward slowly, the man under him immediately moaning and huffing against his mouth.

jeonghan really liked sex with seokmin. he also really liked sex with you. but he was pretty sure he liked it the most when you were both present.

seokmin didn't walk right for a day and a half, and while he was slightly embarrassed, you told him it was a badge of honor he should wear proudly. afterall, he had done the same to you on halloween.

"how's your butt?" you asked when he came down the stairs, the sunday morning after they had done the deed without you, making him choke out a laugh as you got his tea out of a cabinet in jeonghan's kitchen.

"better than yesterday," he said, gingerly seating himself at a stool. "but not as good as friday."

you eyed him. "before or during?"

seokmin thought a second. "both."

"good morning," jeonghan said, quickly planting kisses on the man and then you, cheek and lips respectively based on the convenience as he walked past you, making his way to the espresso machine. "i think i'm gonna work on the sunroom today."

"today?" you asked. "wonwoo's gonna say no."

"wonwoo isn't getting invited. i still have to find furniture," he said, rinsing out the espresso shot glass and wiping down the portafilter. "we're getting close to deadline, i need boo to order the upholstery job on tuesday and i have a meeting tomorrow."

"when's deadline?" seokmin asked, wondering why he had one for a home project.

jeonghan blinked at the wall, not even turning towards the younger. "don't worry your pretty head about it."

you pouted, closing the short distance and wrapping your arms around him, your chin on his shoulder. "it's sunday. can't we cuddled puddle?"

"you mean like we do every night?" jeonghan asked, but grinding espresso beans so you couldn't answer the rhetorical question, packing down the grounds. "if you want to cuddle puddle, don't get out of bed so early."

you huffed as you dropped your arms, leaving him to prep a glass for his americano. "whatever. seokmin and i will have fun without you."

"what kind of fun?"

you stick your tongue out at him, using a teasing voice when you said "wouldn't you like to know."

innocent fun, was the truth, but you thought it was a victimless bluff. you spent the morning sitting on the couch with seokmin while a record played, discussing everything from your favorite movies to your weirdest dreams. you had to get up every six songs or so to flip or change the record, but seokmin liked that every time you rejoined him on the couch, you got closer to his side until you were eventually snuggling into his side, arms wrapped around his torso.

the innocence stopped when jeonghan emerged from his study, joining the two of you for a break. he planted himself on the other side of seokmin, under his arm, letting his hand not-so-subtly run over his thigh. you noticed the contact, peeking around to jeonghan.

"what kind of break are you looking for, hannie?"

he adjusted. "an inspiring one."

you giggled, recognizing the euphemism he used whenever he was stuck on something for work as you leaned back again. "that means he's horny."

seokmin sputtered out a laugh, jeonghan chuckling at your direct observation. "it's hard to not think about you two sitting out here, having fun without me."

"you may not believe it," seokmin said. "but i don't think sex was even on the table for us two today."

jeonghan's eyes met his, and he swallowed harshly. "can it be on the table for all three of us?"

the comfort of returning to bed was hard to deny, especially when they had you laid out against seokmin's chest as he was pressed against the headboard, his mouth attached to your neck and his fingers twisting a nipple, all while jeonghan was digging his digits further into you with his tongue flicking against your clit.

seokmin grunted, rutting his hips against your back. "fuck, he looks good there."

you gasped, nodding, biting at your lip as he kneaded your breast, your fingers digging into jeonghan's hair. "you both do."

jeonghan never struggled to pull you apart, his deft fingers and teasing lips making you squirm and moan until you were shaking, mouth hanging open as your vision blurred and he told you you tasted like candy.

"minnie," jeonghan prompted, making the younger sit up with you whining against him to clean your taste off his fingers. his dick throbbed in need, watching the singer's agile tongue against him, wishing it wasn't just on his fingers.

seokmin had to practically beg jeonghan to fuck him again, but his only hesitation was that he may not have recovered yet. seokmin was on his back and gripped at jeonghan's thighs, urging him forward as your hand twisted around his thick, throbbing cock.

jeonghan swallowed, pausing despite being covered in lube and in position. "you're sure?"

"yes," seokmin said, gasping at your hand on him. "jeonghan, i appreciate you asking, but i'm always sure when it comes to you."

you weren't sure you had ever seen jeonghan blush like that in bed, and you smiled against seokmin's neck as he groaned, his cock firming in your grasp as the older pushed into him. you admired seokmin's silent scream, his head lolling to one side at the feeling.

"angel," jeonghan sighed, settling into the way seokmin squeezed around him. "what do you wanna do?"

you teased a thumb over seokmin's slit. "i wanna ride."

"f-fuuck-" seokmin panted, his hips resting against jeonghan's spread thighs as his knees hung to either side. "i'm not- nngh- gonna last."

"you don't have to," you said matter of factly, adjusting to straddle his torso. jeonghan winced, watching your form as he pumped into seokmin. "we're done when daddy says so."

you put your hand, palm up, over your shoulder, and jeonghan chuckled at the recognized motion for him to spit on your fingers - usually, so that you could slick his dick to sit back on it. you worked jeonghan's spit over seokmin's engorged cock, then slowly lowered yourself onto him.

seokmin stared up at you, eyes fluttering and mouth open, suddenly not only feeling impossibly full, but also absolutely stuffed into you. he moaned out loud when jeonghan bumped into his spot, overwhelmed by the simultaneous pleasure. you fell forward onto his chest, holding yourself up with shaky arms as your face hovered over his, both of you trying to hold off your own demises.

then, jeonghan pushed himself deep into seokmin, who whined, his dick pushing up against your cervix. you nearly collapsed, whimpering as your forehead fell to his, gasping into a desperate kiss. jeonghan groaned, his hand running over your hip as he looked at the intersection of you all, staring at the way you barely contained all of seokmin before he leaned forward and kissed your spine.

"you two will kill me," he said, one hand holding you firmly at your waist while the other gripped seokmin's thigh as he picked up his pace. you both moaned, fingernails digging into the plushest part of your thigh when seokmin questioned how much longer he could hold out at jeonghan's unrelenting pace.

a long, high pitched whine fell from his lips. "fuck, i need to cum," he rushed out, bleary eyes barely opening as he looked at you.

"hang on, baby," jeonghan said. "ladies first."

you babbled against seokmin's lips, somehow never being able to get used to the way he filled you, though jeonghan pushing him into you didn't help. you could do nothing but repeat curses in increasing pitch, pushing your face into seokmin's neck as your walls clamped down around him. his mouth gaped, desperately trying to not succumb to your plush insides before he got the okay.

jeonghan smiled at how seokmin tried to focus on him, despite his hands gripping you as you shook against him. "go ahead, baby."

so seokmin went. and god, he went, coating you internally, immediately squeezing out around his stuffed cock and onto his lap, making jeonghan pant as he kept his hips moving, chasing his own end. he leaned forward, chest pressing against your back as he fucked into seokmin, not stopping until his eyes were clamped shut and he was painting his walls white.

there was a long period of time where none of you moved, then another after you had all managed to untangle from each other. jeonghan sat back, leaning against a hand and scratching his brow as he breathed heavily.

"bathtub cuddle puddle?"

you laughed, chest heaving as you looked over to him, but it was seokmin who spoke. "that sounds nice."

he started to get suspicious when his birthday got closer.

jeonghan told you to suggest a dinner outing for that night to divert attention, but he had caught you moving one of the guitars for the music room only a few days before his birthday, and he looked at you with squinted eyes when he asked if it was for him and you hurriedly said no, hiding the guitar behind your back despite him clearly being able to see it.

"i panicked," you told jeonghan, eyes wide. "he saw it in me. he could tell it wasn't just the guitar."

"it'll be fine, y/n," he said, pushing around potted plants until they satisfied him. "he has to think it's weird that we haven't let him see this room yet, anyways."

you chewed your cheek, looking around the almost completed sunroom. the tall windows showed the light snowflakes falling from the sky, not quite thick enough to leave a layer but enough to make the enclosed yard look slightly pastel. despite the open space that looked out into the cold seoul winter, it stayed cozy, heat radiating from the floorboards and the faux fur rugs laid across them. the space near the entrance had a raised floor with a grand piano, along with several guitars hanging upon the wall, while the area partially covered by the balcony had two heavily cushioned, dark heather gray couches and a bright armchair, adorned with pillows and cable knit blankets.

jeonghan had a slight obsessive nature when it came to his home projects. he was meticulous with contracts, too, but he truly wanted this house to be perfect - not just for him, but for the people he loved. so you watched him rearrange pillows about four more times before you ran up the stairs to the loft to see if he had changed anything there since you had looked the day before.

it almost felt as though it was outdoors, with plants hanging off the edge of the railing and the rustic desk he had originally picked for your office placed to one side. you imagined doing schoolwork here, fantasizing slightly about watching seokmin play piano from your vantage point as you wrote essays. you slid open the glass doors to peek into your new office.

he had painted the walls white, taking a hint from the styling in your own apartment when he picked out a neutral toned couch and light wood shelving, your early graduation present of a computer set up spread across an L shaped desk. he had even paid to have your upright piano moved here, and cut into the next room over to give you more space for an electric drumset. you couldn't help but smile, imagining your friends coming over to record stuff with you. you had always felt strange about inviting them to your rich boyfriend's house, despite him insisting they were welcome, but he had really gone through the trouble of making a room so perfect for all of them that you had no choice.

and it was brighter, you thought. you had told him you worked better in bright spaces.

despite jeonghan's promises, the music room renovation felt like it was as much a gift for you as it was for seokmin. though, maybe he couldn't help it, when the reasons he loved you both overlapped so much.

you went to seokmin's apartment the next day with a bagged gift for him, arriving again right as his client was leaving, and you smiled at the same young man you had seen the first time you had come to visit seokmin. you knew his name now, not because you had spoken to him much, but because you had been told about him by his teacher, and you congratulated him on getting a gig the upcoming weekend.

"oh," jisung said, glancing between the two of you. "he talks about me?"

you laughed and gave him a fighting, seokmin looking upwards to hide his embarrassment as he ushered his student toward the door. "have a nice week, jisung! i'll try to be there this weekend," he said, throwing you a look as you giggled.

"it's not for guitar, you don't have to come," the younger assured. "but if you want to, bring your girlfriend!"

"yeah!" you said, putting your fists on your hips. "i'm getting you dinner for your birthday tonight, the least you can do is take me to an underground rap show!"

"okay, both of you, no more talking," seokmin said, trying and failing to prevent jisung from stopping in his tracks at the news that it was his birthday.

"woah, teach, happy birthday!" he laughed. "you weren't gonna say anything?" he kept talking even as his teacher pushed him out of his apartment.

you couldn't stop grinning when the door closed, seokmin turning to you. he pointed at you, trying to hide his smile as he could only get out a vaguely annoyed "you."

"happy birthday, baby," you said, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him into a kiss. he softened against you, smiling as you pulled away, his hands on your waist as he thanked you quietly.

"he asks about you a lot," seokmin said, joining you when you laughed at the fact. "i think he has a crush on you."

you rolled your eyes. "stop bragging about me, then."

"i don't brag," he said, smiling into another kiss. "i just tell the truth. i can't help that you're a dream come true."

you only pulled away from him to grab the two thick paper bags that you had set on his couch. "c'mon, we gotta head out. open your presents."

seokmin's mouth dropped open when he saw the logo on the bag. "wait, you didn't."

"i had to," you said, giggling as he grabbed one and tugged it open, moving to the couch to pull the garment out. "you said you wanted it."

"where did you find one?" he asked, staring at the corduroy parka from the brand you saw him wear constantly. "they've been sold out for weeks!"

"i got it before then, duh." you poked his cheek when he pouted at you, his eyebrows knit. "there's more, stop getting distracted."

seokmin hugged you extra tight as a thank you for his romantic crown haul, and he decisively pulled on the golden yellow shirt with the pizza on the back, making you grin at how perfectly jeonghan had predicted his thought process before you dragged him out of his apartment to go get dinner.

"we're just picking it up," you said, jangling a keychain. he gave you a quirked eyebrow, and you giggled, pulling him over to jeonghan's car. "do you wanna see it self drive?"

you pushed the side door closed with your butt and called out to jeonghan, saying the birthday boy was here. seokmin took the pizza boxes from your arms and put them on the kitchen counter as jeonghan walked around the stairs.

"well one of us has to change," jeonghan said facetiously, and seokmin looked down at the yellow shirt peeking through his half zipped parka, looking back up at jeonghan, who was wearing the same shirt.

"wait wait wait," you giggled, turning around to undo the zipper of your own jacket, pulling it open as you spun around to reveal that you, too, were wearing the shirt.

seokmin looked between you two with wide eyes, his eyebrows creasing. "you got us matching shirts?"

"pizza shirt gang!" you giggled, stripping off your jacket. "do you like them?"

he smiled into a disbelieving laugh. "how did you know i would put it on?"

"because we know you, minnie," jeonghan said, reaching for his hand after he took off his new coat. "before we eat, i finished the sunroom today, wanna see it?"

"hang on," seokmin stopped, making his hand fall from jeonghan's. "that's not the gift, right?" he looked at you. "the sunroom isn't the gift?"

you pursed your lips, looking at the ceiling, and seokmin started to argue, making jeonghan laughed. "who cares if it's for you, i just want you to come look at it."

jeonghan is pretty sure he always loved seokmin. it wasn't something he would ever be able to change about himself, he figured, as he watched his lover cover his face with his hands, sinking to crouch on the floor as his eyes looked around the large room that was lit by fairy light. the first thing he had seen was the piano, which made him gasp, then he saw the guitars, and looked at your smiling face, suddenly connecting dots, unable to stay standing from the shock as he understood why he hadn't been allowed to help.

and then he started crying.

the two of you ushered him to a couch, sitting him down as he sniffed back the tears. you sat beside him, wrapping your arms around his shoulder and cooing, jeonghan crouching on the floor in front of him.

"i'm sorry," jeonghan said, smiling slightly as he gave him an apologetic look. "i didn't mean to overwhelm you."

seokmin choked on a laugh, wiping at his cheeks. "how did you think i'd react?"

"i don't think he thought about it," you whispered, knowing full well jeonghan could hear you.

"i got a little carried away," he admitted, hand rubbing comforting circles on seokmin's leg. "you're special to me, so i wanted to make something special for you."

"this," seokmin said, looking around, gesturing at his surroundings. "this?"

the older huffed out a laugh, almost embarrassed. "yeah, this."

seokmin laughed too, eyes wet as he looked into the other's. "i can't believe you would make something this incredible for me."

"you're incredible," jeonghan said. "i want you to feel welcome in my home."

"i couldn't believe the record wall, either," you offered when seokmin seemed speechless, pressing your cheek against the his shoulder, hand rubbing his back. "jeonghan's love language is a little unique."

seokmin sniffed one more time, studying jeonghan's face, his brow creasing ever so slightly. "holy shit, i'm in love with you."

your heart stopped as you pulled away slightly to look at him, then jeonghan, who was frozen.

"i didn't realize that's what this was," seokmin said, hand gripping the one on his thigh. "i knew i liked you, but this is-"

jeonghan rose quickly, seating himself at seokmin's other side and kissed him. "i love you," he said, thumbs wiping over his slightly damp cheekbones. "it's taken me years to admit it, but i love you."

seokmin kissed him again in response, his face feeling hot from the continued attention. he broke away, only to look around the room again, jeonghan studying his face with a smile as he did.

"i think," seokmin said, clearing his throat when the words came out weak. he looked to you, then to jeonghan. "i think this is the best birthday i've ever had."

jeonghan laughed. "we haven't even had the pizza yet."

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thisnerdsadventures · 4 years ago

Text

on friends

During CPW (campus preview weekend), we tell prefrosh that its ok if they don’t meet the best friends of their life or if they don’t make friends at all. And the same goes for orientation, the first couple months of school, freshman year. But the longer it takes, truthfully the harder it gets, seeing people with their squad on Instagram going to formals, hiking in Maine, eating out at cafes.

“Be patient,” we say, they say. “Be patient, the right people will come.”

My freshman year, I thought I was one of those people - I found a few friends I hung out with all the time. I remember sitting in their rooms until 10, 11pm at night, and we’d watch movies and TV shows together, cook together, play board games. We’d do all the freshman things together, like go to Tech Twinkles, Fall Formal, apple picking; I took my friend to Chipotle for the first time, we got food at the North End for the first time, a lot of firsts happened that first year. Everything was new, and with new friends, I thought things couldn’t get better.

These friends were truly the best - they understood who I was, and maybe they felt the same about me. I felt like I could tell them everything (and I still do). Time passes though. People move out, shit hits the fan, people fight, and a lot of us eventually grew apart. Truthfully, a lot of freshmen friend groups end like that, not to say that they all will, but it’s ok if they do. At the tail end of this during my freshman spring, I met a few other friends who lived in my building, and I eventually ended up hanging out with them more.

And so, I thought I had found my friend group #forlife, the ones that I would grow old with, that I would invite to my wedding, that I would get brunch with on the weekends when we all had full time jobs, or the ones that I would go vacation with in Europe over holiday breaks. There were around ten or so of them in the inner circle, and twenty people on the floor in total - and the floor was always having a party since they were all seniors at the time. And for most of my sophomore year, I hung out with them, despite them being two years older. We’d do weekend hot pots, make homemade boba, play video games, party, and I’d sit on their floor and code during the weeknights. We’d talk about what came after college, where we came from, all that deep stuff. So on that end, I pretty much moved onto their floor.

I still feel that way - when I logged into the discord chat the other day and heard their voices, I felt like I was home. But when they graduated, it was hard. We went from seeing each other every day to talking once a week to seeing each other once a year. My junior fall was tough because I was stuck in a dorm without many people I knew or could call friends. And for the second time, I found myself without much of a friend group to call mine, outside the weekend video games we would play together online.

Something happened over winter during my junior year that splintered me further from that group. The rare few times that multiple people are in town, I felt uncomfortable and apart - the experiences I continued to have here no longer matched up with them, and as time went on, the people I knew changed a bit, but I had also changed too. It breaks my heart to feel that way, and I still don’t want to let them fall away because I truly believe they were some of the best people on this planet. But for my own wellbeing, I had to find other friends on campus so I didn’t go insane. As a second semester junior, finding it hard to find friends was an understatement, but I didn’t give up - my junior spring I went out of my way to reconnect with people I had lost touch with, and also meet new friends. I met up with people I hadn’t talked to since freshman year, friends in Boston I hadn’t seen since high school. I messaged other friends from high school to catch up, and I joined new exec teams in an effort to widen my circle.

And for the most part it worked - the people I reconnected with, I wouldn’t call them the closest of close friends, but we talk every now and then. Some of the new friends I met last semester, I really thought this time: these were friends #forlife. And we spent the entirety of a year and a half together, building friendships, forging memories, spending so so so many nights together. We shared secrets, meals, and promises. I would wake up in the mornings excited for the day, knowing they made my MIT experience worth it. We talked every day, we went through pandemic move-out together, and we’ve kept each other sane in these wild times. We spoke about graduation in May 2021, spring break in Orlando at Disney World, living together in the Bay. I imagined a future with them. These were good, good people that made me a better person and taught me about the world, and I love them so much.

I really wished the story ended here, but as is a growing theme in this saga, I suddenly thought I lost one of my best friends, a friend I thought I would have around for my entire life. I wish I could say I’ve gotten used to the feeling, but this time, it was one of the most devastating points of my life. I thought about whether the other friends in my life will stick around. I don’t know if they will, but I don’t think there’s anything I can do except trust in them that they will. But if I lost them too, I genuinely don’t know what I’d do.

But things decided to turn up. It’s as if the third time really is the charm, or maybe some god above decided I had been through enough (lmfao). After a month of animosity, we reconciled. I personally think we’re still in the process of feeling things out, but I think we’re on a really good path. Did any good come out of it on my end? Unclear. But I guess I’ve proven to myself that I definitely have a few awesome friends that will somehow stick there through ups and downs and /really/ bad downs, and in these times, I’ll take it. When I was a freshman, I worried about whether my friends and I would stick around, but I never would’ve imagined the ups and downs I would take to meet the people I’ve met here. So turns out the right people did come, slowly, one at a time, but they did.

I guess at the end of the day, I see a lot of people get sad here because they don’t have the #squad that maybe they see around campus or maybe they had in high school. And by sophomore year, it seems like the whole frenzy to make new friends has slowed to a halt, but as long as it takes, its not an “if”, but a “when” the right people roll around. And it doesn’t have to be like a whole group of 10 people, but it can just be a few people here and there who build you up to be the best you - that’s what counts in the end. I’m hanging on to the day that I can see my best friend standing in front of Maseeh again, waiting for me so we can walk together to class, or holding onto the image of my friends walking down the street soon in September - they’ll look up and we’ll see each other, the first time in six months, and we’ll know that everything is going to be ok.

And let your best be for your friend. If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also. For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill? Seek him always with hours to live. For it is his to fill your need but not your emptiness. And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

- on Friendship, Kahlil Gibran

#this is kinda emo lol #but im in a really emo mood so #ive also been wondering how to post this for like a year #i originally sounded like an optimist in this post #and it pained me to read

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kynthaworld · 4 years ago

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He didn’t like my sheets. We spent a long weekend on them and they kept popping off the corners when we “made love.”

“Making love.” That’s certainly what he considered it. An hour of torso twisting, hip wrenching, back bending, flesh grabbing, body claiming rapid fire is how I considered it. Once in a blue moon that kind of “lovemaking” is exciting. Seven times in three days is exhausting and demoralizing. Am I a partner or an object?

The first time we met I was honest with him upfront. I am clearly, intentionally, and openly not monogamous. There is another person in my life...and in my bed. Monogamy was not in the cards. He had questions; he was curious, but said he was not opposed to my lifestyle.

We explored resources together so he could understand more. He said he was not uncomfortable when I mentioned the other person who captured my heart. That person was an important part of my life.

Yet, he didn’t like my sheets. The soft, worn, well used grey and cream striped sheets. That popped off on the corners when we “made love.”

I was open about my time boundaries. Longer dates a few times a month. Maybe drinks for an hour here and there after work.

The first time I saw the other person in my life after we made love, he seemed apprehensive but mostly nonplussed.

My other person and I were unable to see each other for some time. Our schedules didn’t mesh. He, who didn’t like my sheets, worked his way in. First drinks after work once a week plus longer dates on the weekend. Then “Let’s take a trip together.” Then video chats a few evenings a week while I was holed up in my room, hiding from the teenager with whom I shared my residence, but not my personal life.

And he became adamant he didn’t like my sheets. The soft, worn, well used grey and cream striped sheets that had seen other lovers. That popped off on the corners when we “made love.”

A few evenings a week became every night. Apprehensive and nonplussed became sullen and angry. An hour once a week became two or three times a week. “Lovemaking” - the exhausting hour of rapid fire - became two hours or three.

He dominated my time. My other person faded into the background as my mental, emotional, and physical energy was robbed from me. I felt like I was drowning. Drowning in anxiety and weariness and grief. Drowning in sorrow and depression and isolation. Drowning in ownership.

All along he maintained he didn’t like my sheets. The soft, worn, well used grey and cream striped sheets that had seen other lovers who never complained about my sheets. That popped off the corners when we “made love.”

After a long weekend he drove one way to his home. I drove another to my work. I was bruised and sore and aching from “lovemaking.” My body was tense and tight from mental stress. My soul was weary from trying to keep my head above water. As I watched his car disappear from my rear view mirror, I exhaled for the first time in three days. A long deep sigh releasing all the emotions trapped inside.

I then released him. Let him go back into the void from which he came. He cried. He raged. He threatened. He bargained. I held my ground.

That night, I put those sheets on my bed. The soft, worn, well used grey and cream striped sheets that had seen other lovers who never complained about my sheets and he would never see again. That popped off the corners when we “made love.” I slept. I slept deeply. I slept as though I hadn’t slept in years.

When I woke I purged my home of his scent. I disposed of gifts. I removed myself from his social media. I reconnected with my other person, the one who did like my sheets. We made love. (Without the quotes).

And I bought myself new sheets. That will gradually become soft, worn, well used teal sheets that will see other lovers who will never complain about my sheets and he will never see. They will pop off corners when we make love.

And these people will love my sheets.

#tw nonconsensual sex #tw emotional abuse #abuse recovery #polyam relationship #ethical non monogamy #ENM #polyamory #jealousy #possessive behavior

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jdkicked · 4 years ago

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My battle with what may have been abuse

I am still trying to figure out if this was abuse or not. I am still trying to figure out if it was really sexual assault or not. There is too much for me to ever be able to put into words or to be able to process. This isn’t going to go into a ton of detail and will probably be pretty ramble-y. The situation was complicated to say the least. It started when I was 13, I was in a chat room and hit it off with a guy, Ryan, who said he was 16. He was great for a while, we really got to know each other but my life was on the rocks so I frequently had to stop mid-conversation to do something to please my strict parents and then return to the conversation, and he always got really mad about that, even after I explained what was going on. I figured he was well within his rights to be mad when I dropped out mid-conversation so I thought nothing of it. When I was around 14, we started dating. This is when it got bad.

It started off pretty innocently, but it quickly escalated to me sending semi-nude (bra off) photos to him fairly regularly, despite me expressing to him that I wasn’t comfortable with this, but every time I tried to tell him “no” it would escalate to him threatening to leave me (he knows how attached I get to people and he had twisted the words of my friends and family to convince me that he was the only one who cared, so he was the only person left in my life) and threatening to kill himself, so I sent the photos, as well as numerous videos of me doing things through my underwear and doing things with my feet (he had a foot fetish). He wanted me to send full nude but I was completely uncomfortable with that and never sent them to him. Him threatening to kill himself happened whenever I said “no” to ANYTHING or disagreed with him. And when those threats started to work less, he resorted to not talking to me for a week and then coming back with proof that he had been admitted into the hospital for a suicide attempt. Every argument was my fault because I chose to disagree with him or not do what he wanted. Every time we disagreed on something, even something minor, he would leave for a week because he knew my anxiety would take what happened that one time and run with it. He never landed himself in the hospital again but rather was taking that time to “cool off” and he knew how much it scared me, he didn’t care. The fear was my punishment for not doing what he wanted. When we weren’t fighting, he seemed to be what I wanted and felt I deserved in a person. So I stayed. And the cycle of him leaving over something minor, me apologizing for something that wasn’t my fault, me worrying for a week that he was dead, and him coming back and acting like he was a saint in the situation, continued.

He had admitted to me when I was about 16 that he lied about his age, and was in fact 19 when we started talking, not 16. This shook me a bit but by this point I was so attached to him that I didn’t even consider leaving due to that. At one point I left him, after my few remaining friends telling me how bad my relationship was (they didn’t even know all of what was going on), but I ended up returning to him after just a month or two since by that point I was mostly on my own and I hated it, I had no one. The cycle of threats and him leaving and me apologizing for questions continued until a few months before I turned 17, when we had our first phone call (we were finally in the same country so I wouldn’t have to explain a long distance call to my parents) during that call he admitted to me that he was 28. And when I brought up how big of a lie that was, he told me that he had claimed since a few months into us knowing each other that he was his real age (late 20s) and that my concussions had caused me to forget that (I actually had a doubt in my mind about if it really had been my concussion for about 8 months after I left before I looked through everything he sent me and discovered that he had never brought that up). Throughout our relationship, I frequently found my mental health at its worst, I fell badly into my eating disorder, my self harm really picked up, and my gambling started. Shortly after his claim about my concussions, I started to realize how bad my situation was, so I started to reconnect with old friends, and most of them said that they were realizing what had happened when I first left and that they were happy to welcome me back because they were worried about me, but some others were unwilling to let me back into their life after I left out of the blue, and I don’t blame them for that at all. And then I tried to leave him, only this time I wasn’t told the normal “I’m going to kill myself” but rather I was told, yet again, how worthless I was and how no one would ever want me (he had said things like this during almost every argument and I believed him) and then he said the words that pissed me off to no end: “You’re not allowed to break up with me, that has to be something I want to do”.

At this point, I was fed up with him and I had a support group behind me telling me to leave and never look back, so I started being an absolute dick to him. I brought up everything I knew would make him hurt, it seemed fair to me since that’s what he always did. I took days to text him back. I rejoined all the things he told me I wasn’t allowed to do since they took my time away from him. Finally, while I was at prom, he sent the text to end it all. He finally let me go. After months of me trying to leave. I immediately told everyone I could and they were all so happy for me. I didn’t talk to him again until roughly 8 months later when he messaged me asking how I was, at this point I was scared of him because he had proven to me that he knew what town I lived in and which house was mine, despite me never telling him anything other than that I lived in Minnesota and he had threatened to hurt my friends and family, and based on what I knew of his criminal history, he would do it with next to no regrets. I, terrified of what may happen if I ignored him, answered back as politely as I could but made sure not to encourage any conversation with him. This seemed to please him enough for him to leave, he may have tried to message me since but I wouldn’t know since I finally got the courage to block him on every social media I had him on.

Do I regret leaving? Of course not. The time since I have left has been so much happier than when I was with him.

But he still has power over me and I hate that. He’s the reason I got rid of my split-dye hair (which I loved, but unfortunately so did he so it just reminded me of him since my hair was the only thing he would ever compliment me on). He’s the reason I now view feet as the most repulsive thing on the planet and I wish no human had them. He’s the reason I am scared to ask questions (my parents also played a role in that). He’s the reason I will never again paint my toe nails (he loved that) it took months for me to even want to wear any nail polish after I left and it is still something I struggle with. He’s the reason I want to move so badly out of this town. He’s the reason I will NEVER go to Maryland (where he owns a house and lives now) but if I have to I will never go outside of a large city (he hates those with a burning passion). He’s the reason I will never go to non-touristy parts of Dublin (his home town that he frequently goes back to). He’s why I don’t really trust any more (my other ex’s also played a role in that, but a pretty minor one. My family also played a good role in destroying my ability to trust). He’s why I swore to never send a full nude without multiple identity verifications. He’s why I feel disgusting after doing anything truly consensual with my partners now. He’s why I don’t ever expect my partners to care about my consent. He stole years of my life and filled them with pain. I am still scared everyday that he will some how find me or those I care about and hurt them. He had been known to take revenge years later, and I am scared of that. I am scared. And I still battle with myself as to whether or not it was abuse or whether or not it was consensual since he pressured me and lied.

#abuse #support #healing #recovery

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goodnightkisseu · 7 years ago

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Yoon Jisung - Fate [Part 2]

Genre: Angst

Parts: [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]

Note: So my originally plan was for this Jisung story to be only two parts, but as I was writing it and adding in his point of view, it got really long, so I’m splitting Part 2 into two parts >< Sorry about that everyone! Next up will be Part 2 of the Jihoon scenario, and then Part 3 of this one. So in the meantime, please enjoy Part 2 of Fate! ^^

~* At age 31 �� Jisung’s Point of View *~

There were a few words that could have explained how Jisung felt as he got out of his car and headed towards the familiar café where the two of you always met. Nervous was probably the best word to describe his overall feeling though. Today… today was going to change your relationship with him. Truth be told, he really hesitated on telling you the news, but he also knew that he couldn’t keep you in the dark about it. What kind of friend would he be if he let you find out it from an online news site? No, it would be better to tell you in person that he had gotten engaged.

The news would no doubt be shocking, and Jisung was always rather aware about your feelings, he always had been. He always kept a close eye on when things upset you or made you sad and was always quick to change the topic if something like that came up. This was why he was so hesitant and nervous to tell you about the news. He never wanted to see you unhappy because of him. If things weren’t the way that they were between the two of you, maybe this wouldn’t have been so hard… but he couldn’t say that you had a normal friendship.

If he were going to be completely honest with himself, Jisung had liked you for a long time. No, not liked, loved you, for a long time. He couldn’t pinpoint exactly when he started to feel this way about you. It had been a gradual thing that had started when the two of you reconnected as teens. All he knew was that the things you did, he started to find them cute. He started to notice how your soft features often looked more beautiful without makeup on. He notice the smallest change in your appearance and how those small attentions to detail often made you stand out to him. Jisung knew that what he felt for you, it was far deeper than just the love between two best friends.

Even if he felt this way about you, he had always been unsure about telling you his feelings. He had toyed with the idea of course, he wanted you by his side, but he couldn’t bring himself to try until you came to Seoul four years ago. Even then, it was only because he was persuaded by his rather pushy but well-meaning band mates. So, the night that you arrived in Seoul and he told you about his upcoming debut, he suggested that the two of you stay in, order some chicken, and have a little party amongst yourselves. Unsurprisingly you agreed to his little plan. Jisung knew how you much preferred to stay in at times, and he was enticing you with chicken and beer so that definitely made it easier for you to agree.

After more than enough to drink, he finally built up the courage to tell you how he felt about you. He turned to you with a serious expression and told you that he had to tell you something. He knew that you had a few more drinks that he did, and it was evident by how much of a giggling mess you were, but you obliged as you held his hands in yours, asking what was so important that it made him so serious all of a sudden. And like this he told you his feelings. How he had grown to love you over the years and how he always wanted you to be part of his life. He knew it was long winded, but the words needed to be said for him to have peace of mind. The thing was, your reaction wasn’t quite what he had expected.

“Awww I love you too, Jisunggie,” you said with a giggle. “I love you the most in the world!”

He called your name, his expression serious as he held you tightly in his arms to stop your drunk swaying. “I’m not joking around, I really do love you. This isn’t me making a joke while drunk. I’m being completely serious.”

You stopped your fidgeting at that point and slowly sat up, your body still swaying side to side a bit as you looked at him straight on. “But you’re my best friend Jisunggie. If we were like that, it would make us more, wouldn’t it?” He said it was what he wanted, and your reply stung a bit. “I like you too Jisunggie, but I don’t want to mess us up. I like us the way we are…” you said, before you passed out. But he took that as your absolute answer, and it honestly hurt a lot.

Sure, in hindsight he probably should have asked you earlier, before you had gotten as drunk as you did, because when you woke up the next morning and he asked you if you remembered what the two of you had talked about, you said you didn’t. You apologized profusely for it though, and asked if it was anything important and that you would be more than willing to listen again, but he just smiled and teased you about how you missed a ton of juicy gossip he had picked up when he was a part of Produce 101. He had considered confessing to you again, and the guys had told him to do the same, and to make sure that you were completely sober this time, but, there was something that he was holding him back from saying those same words again.

Jisung was afraid of being rejected by you a second time, and this time, this time you would remember rejecting him. This time it would definitely change things between the two of you and he couldn’t bring himself to do that. You were the one person that had been consistently there for him through all of the hardships and losing you would hurt more than being rejected. He also worried that his confession might pressure you into saying yes to being together, even if you may not necessarily feel as deeply for him as he did for you. He knew there was definitely something there, but he really couldn’t gauge exactly how you felt and he didn’t want you to be in a relationship if your whole heart wasn’t in it.

So Jisung opted to not try again. It hurt too, because a week later you told him that your coworkers wanted to try and set you up with someone. He told you to give it a shot, but not without forcing himself to be happy about it. Every time he looked at you he thought of what could have been, and it was painful. It was like dangling the perfect life in front of him, only to pull it away when he got too close. It became strange holding onto these feelings and he wanted, with every fiber of his being to finally be able to move on… and it somewhat happened.

As his career started to take off, the amount of time that he got to spend with you lessened. He was constantly going from schedule to schedule, sleeping only a few hours a night, getting very little free time to himself. The two of you still kept in contact of course, but it was mostly over text messages and video chats, just like it had been when the two of you reconnected all of those years ago. He had been so busy at first that work kept his mind off of how he felt about you, but a couple of years into his new life, there was definitely this sense of emptiness. The two of you still messaged each other of course, but he had personally felt a bit… lonely.

This was when he was introduced to Yeseul by one of the staff members. At first the staff member had told him about her friend that was single, but Jisung gently declined a few times, saying that he was too busy and he didn’t want to ignore her because of work. But eventually, with the staff member being so persistent and his schedule being less packed, he eventually said yes. During their first meeting, he couldn’t really explain it, but he knew that he had some connection with Yeseul. It wasn’t a deep connection like it was with you, but there was definitely something there that would later blossom into an actual relationship.

Jisung started to meet with her more often and before he knew it, they had become a couple. Yeseul was kind and understanding of his work. She worked as a backstage crew member for one of the radio stations, so she knew how hectic his schedule could be. She always sent him encouraging messages and became someone he could share his thoughts with when he didn’t want to bother you with them… or… when they were inadvertently about you. As time passed the pain he felt from being rejected by you started to disappear and was replaced with this new overwhelming love for this new woman in his life. It was by no means instantaneous, but eventually, after a few years, they decided to get engaged, and here he was today, introducing her to you.

He took a deep breath, pushing his worries aside as he entered the familiar café, acting like his usual self. His eyes scanned the small area and as soon as he saw you, staring off into space, he couldn’t help but smile. It was a look that he knew well, mostly when your head was tilted ever so slightly to the side like that. You had been in deep thought about something and it made him chuckle to himself. You were always so cute when you were like that. He couldn’t help but wonder what could have been on your mind.

Seeing you always had a way of changing his demeanor. He didn’t know what it was about you, but he could feel that nervousness lifting as he thought instead of how happy he was to see you after so long. Jisung called out your name as he waved to get your attention, a bright smile on his features. It didn’t take you long to recognize him and once you did, he quickly made his way over enveloped you in the softest and warmest hug he could muster. Holding you like this always made him feel so warm, it made him feel comforted and safe. That was something he had honestly only felt with you and it was hard to explain.

Meeting like this again, after so long, did make him feel something in the depths of his heart however. It was a little uncomfortable, but he knew the feeling well. It was that love he still had for you that had been buried for years. Seeing how beautiful you were now, time not seeming to have any effect on your beauty, he almost felt the slightly regret, regret that the two of you never really tried. But he had to remind himself that he was happy now, and that he wanted to share that happiness with you… not knowing that you had come there to tell him something important as well.

Jisung offered to let you go first, but as you were still trying to form your words, the pair of you were cut off as the new love of his life came into the room. He was quickly to stand and pull her into a hug, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek as he introduced you to Yeseul and told you the news, his heart speeding up as he carefully studied your reaction. He could see the initial shock on your features, which he had expected. He had brought up in the past that he had been casually seeing someone, but he had never gotten the chance to tell you that that same relationship had developed further. He knew it would come as a surprise, but what surprised him more was your reaction to the whole thing.

You got up out of your seat and greeted with the most wonderful smile. You were polite toward Yeseul and your reaction was so bright. Having known you for so long, he knew you were a mix of emotions, he just didn’t quite know which ones. Yet here you were, trying to put your best foot forward when he just dropped some pretty life changing news on you. You really were such an amazing person.

Honestly, Jisung was quite a mix of emotions himself. The more overwhelming emotion was one of happiness. He was happy that you were happy for him, and happy that you were so open to Yeseul, even though he had kept you in the dark about her and his relationship this entire time. But there was a small part of him, a dark part of him, and a contradicting part of him that so desperately wanted you to be angry. It wanted you to stop everything right there, to admit that you loved him too. It wanted you to turn this all upside down in the hopes that the two of you could be happy together. It was dark thought that he knew, somewhere, in the far depth of his hard that he wanted to badly to happen, but it never did. He knew that this probably made him a bad person, wanting something like this, but you… it just proved how much he had loved you and how there was still a sliver of regret buried under his new found happiness.

Yet, those thoughts had no place here. This was a happy environment and it was going to stay that way. Jisung gestured for all of you to sit back down and let Yeseul start off the conversation as you asked her questions about she had met him and how long they had been together. Yeseul happily told the story of their first meeting and answered and all questions that you had about her and the relationship. Jisung switched between answering some questions himself, staring at his fianee, and also studying you. Things were going well… at least they were for now.

~* At age 32, two month before the wedding – Jisung’s Point of View *~

“H-hello…?” Jisung answered groggily, wondering who could be calling him at 3 in the morning. If it Daniel drunk calling him again, then he was going to have to have a serious talk with that boy about his alcohol consumption.

“…Ji…Jisunggie…” came the mumbled voice on the other end of the phone. It probably would have been unrecognizable to anyone else, but Jisung recognized it right away, checking his caller ID to make sure that he wasn’t wrong. He softly called out your name as he slowly got out of bed, being careful not to wake up Yeseul. He used his free hand to rub both of his eyes as he walked out of the bedroom and into the living room, taking a seat on the couch. “Is something wrong? Why are you calling so late?”

“It’s…I really… I really need to… totellyousomething…” came your slurred words

Jisung sighed lightly. “…are you drunk?” he asked softly

“Ionlyhad… I only had a couple… a couple of drinks…” you lied, not convincing anyone, but in your drunk state you thought you were.

“What do you want to tell me?” he asked, growing a little concerned at your current state. You rarely got drunk, and he had never seen you this drunk. You’d have a few drinks if you were out with friends, and the few times you did get drunk, you were more coherent, from what he remembered. Even on that fateful night five years ago, you weren’t this drunk. Tonight your speech was slower, you seemed completely out of it… so how much did you have to drink that night?

There was a pause in the conversation, but Jisung knew that you were still there. He could hear you breathing on the other end, slowly trying to form the words you wanted to tell him. “I love you, Jisung,” you finally mumbled.

“I love you too,” he replied automatically.

“Not like that!” you retorted in a frustrated tone. On the other end he heard you sniffling. Did you start crying? “I’m…I’m…I’minlove with you, youdummy…

Jisung blinked a couple of times, his mind going over the jumbled mix of words that just flowed from your lips. Did you just say what he thought you said? “C-can you say that again? I don’t think I caught that…

“I said… I said that I’m… I’m in love… with you,” you said a little slower. “I always have been… but I… I didn’t know how… how to tell you… I just thought… thought you should know…”

Those words… they were the ones that he had always wanted to hear, but now that Jisung was hearing them, he was confused. He didn’t know how to respond to you. He was in such a state of shock that all he could do was say the first thing that came to his mind. “But if you’re in love with me, then why did you never –”

You groaned on the other end of the phone, cutting him off mid-sentence. “Jisunggie… Idon’twanttotalkanymore. I’m getting… so sleepy… I’lltalktoyoulater… bye…” you said, and on his end he could hear you fumbling with the phone, probably trying to turn it off. He called out your name, trying to keep you talking because he needed to know the truth. He was almost yelling when he heard a light snoring on the other end, and he knew that you had actually fallen asleep.

Jisung ended the call, but as he sat there in silence, trying to process that conversation, he became a complete mess of emotions. How was he supposed to handle it? The more rational side of his brain told him that you were drunk, that your words might not have been true. But the other part of him, that part that he had buried away, that part that was so deeply buried, it wanted to believe you. It told him that you had just confessed to him, drunk or not, you had said the words that he had waited so long to hear and it was willing to drop everything to make a future with you possible. They were such conflicting thoughts and his heart ached realizing how long he had wanted to hear those words… but also hearing them now, they were coming at the worst possible time.

He rested his elbows on his legs, holding his face in his hands as he tried to sort everything out. He knew he shouldn’t have felt the way he did. He was getting married to Yeseul in just two months, but he felt like such a mess now. He just… he didn’t know what to do…

~* At age 32, the morning after the call *~

A pounding headache was the first thing to greet you in the morning, and you could barely move as you found yourself waking up from your sleep. Trying to ignore how much your head was throbbing you tried to recall exactly what happened last night. You remembered going out for some drinks with one of your friends from work, and you also remember making it back to your apartment, only to open another bottle of champagne to fill you with even more alcohol. Anything after that though… you couldn’t remember. You obviously didn’t make it back to your bedroom and spent the entire night on the couch, but did anything else happen

Usually you didn’t drink this much. The last time you had this much to drink, to the point where you couldn’t remember anything, was that night you celebrated Jisung’s upcoming debut with him. You always made sure to be moderate with your drinking after that, only letting loose for that one special occasion… and for last night.

You never told anyone the truth, but honestly the news of Jisung’s engagement hit you hard. You really thought that on that fateful day when you two met up, that maybe your future with him stood a chance, but when his fiancée showed up, you knew it was over.

At first you really did want to find some fault with her. You knew you should have just been happy for Jisung, but there was a dark part of you that wanted to find a reason not to like her… but honestly you couldn’t. Yeseul was sweet, kind, caring, extremely understanding. You could tell that there were things that were a little hard on her given Jisung’s job, but she handled it well. She was practically perfect and pretty to boot. There was no way you could have won over that.

And honestly when you were sitting there, you couldn’t help but feel a bit betrayed by your friend. He had mentioned that he had been seeing someone rather casually, but he had never told you that they had gone steady, which was the whole reason you were planning to confess to him on that day. If you had known, you wouldn’t have tried, you wouldn’t have given your hopes up like you did. This news completely blindsided you and made you rather uneasy.

Every time you met up with Jisung and Yeseul after that, you had that same sinking feeling, that feeling of heartbreak. It was hard to be around them, when, deep down, you knew that you still harbored feelings for your best friend, even though he was engaged. The suddenness of the news and your new found friendship with Jisung’s fiancée didn’t really give you time to grieve or heal from your heart break. You didn’t have time to cry. You didn’t have time to get angry. All you had time to do was pretend to be happy, happy about everything, from work to your social life. Your life was just kind of moving on its own and you were just supposed to be content with everything.

Half of the reason why you never got to really express how you felt was that you had no one to say anything to. The one person you would have run to, the one person whose shoulder you could always cry on, was the one person you needed to get over. So how could you forget him if the only person you trusted enough to spill your heart to, was Jisung?

This was when your coworker, someone you had known for a bit now, noticed the strange funk you were in. She had suggested that the two of you go for drinks to talk it all out. You agreed, went for drinks, and a rather ridiculous amount later, you were spilling your heart to her, telling her about how your childhood friend and love of your life broke your heart and sent everything crashing down on you, all in one day. She, just as drunk as you were, told you to just get over him and move on, show him what he was missing out on by finding someone even better than him. Make him jealous for treating you the way he did. A few drinks later, you both climbed into a taxi to go home, your coworker parroting the same thing she had said to you earlier, hoping that it would get through to you. And that was that…so here you were, back at your apartment, trying to figure out your game plan while simultaneously trying to fight off the worse headache you ever had.

It seemed though that you might not be getting that time to yourself that you so desperately wanted, to get better. As you were trying to organize your thoughts, a heavy knocking could be heard against your front door. But who could it be? You weren’t expecting anyone today and it was barely 11am so you definitely didn’t make any plans. Still, you had to go check it out because that heavy pounding against the door only made your headache worse.

“I’m coming, I’m coming…” you mumbled as you carefully made your way to the door, your steps a little slower just to make sure you didn’t trip over your own two feet. When you opened the door, your mind already had a set of people it thought it might be. You thought it could have been the postman, here to deliver you a package you had ordered a couple of days ago. You thought that maybe it could have been a neighbor, because maybe, in your drunk state last night, you had done something stupid. You thought maybe it could have been your coworker coming to check on you. But it was none of these people and when you finally got a good glimpse as to who it was, your heart jumped. What was he doing here at this hour? Why was Jisung here?

To be continued…

#wanna one #yoon jisung #yoon jiseong #wanna one scenarios #wanna one imagines #i'm sorry if there are any grammatical or spelling errors ><#i'll fix them as i see them ><#kpop scenarios

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hahnralph · 4 years ago

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Getting Ex Wife Back After Divorce Cheap And Easy Diy Ideas

But today, I am going to lose some weight?This is the first thing you can do to get your ex back, then there is no point trying to reconnect a relationship.But time has passed we sometimes still find it easier said than done.If you switch to a positive communication but do not want to lose in your boyfriend.

When my girlfriend dumped me, and it totally broke my heart.If and when he is most likely looking at a different result.Slow is the best thing you need to really mean it is difficult but not overtly.This message opens the door to your advantage.I didn't have to be with for the best way to win your ex back, but if you are not able to clearly understand the mix will likely be interested in doing this right away - it might make you angry, but also totally confused about the relationship.

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Don't even mention the breakup has happened for at least one thing that makes you look attractive and marketable and this will begin to miss you.When you first got together again, and hopefully save myself some pain.That's why you broke up with dignity and poise.You need to focus all your bad feelings that she has to act like you can get the place cleaned up.To get your girlfriend back before it is hard to see, especially if you've recently broken up.

I knew it that I shouldn't be doing to get him back.Take some time of the most important things to each other's arms again where she meant everything to you, do some soul searching about why the break up.It doesn't mean calling her everyday because I have used this time apart.You can't just make them want to know how you're feeling, right?Is there an easy answer to this point, it is commonly believed that these lines together.

One more error you need to determination and lots of people have followed these same tips and you feel like doing it at that.Example of a Wicca spell casting can be helpful if you want to be looking for ways to learn the sordid truth there might be playing hard to do that you can take to get back with you, but if you are giving yourself a doormat.As long as you can because most guys, while not to do, and find the right way.Don't try to threaten her into coming back to what I did.However, there is one sure tactic to get your girlfriend back.

It's the same time, it is actually something good for you, you need to make her think about him if you stick with them.I Know All These Things Seem Unconventional to You!Express your gratitude for all the past to your girlfriend back just won't be quite romantic and chivalrous will earn you major points.Your best bet really is the day and thinking of getting your ex back after all weren't things going again, to get your ex back before it happens?Use these tips do not answer him at all or try and force her to you longer.

How To Make Your Ex Come Running Back

Instead of texting and calling, you should of, but there are no guarantees in life.When we are only discussing past mistakes so you go about getting your ex back.The good news is, there are many types of relationships.By giving your ex back, so go ahead and told you that she just dumped you and asks for forgiveness.They know that you are getting your ex to take one day she will be different and still get your ex happens to see what it takes to make sure not to show a side of yourself why you did was take some work, but they don't care whether people get their way through relationship problems.

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The dog will be thinking about an apology for, and how you're doing.But finding a new haircut or maybe they have to be effective.I needed them but that is not fazed by the so called magic, since no magic can last for too long, she WILL call you, driven by their emotions.In every relationship, an obstacle comes and if it is indeed a good first step you need to organise a forum - an independent man now and why it is hard to find get your ex back, regardless of the best idea you have to accept the break-up occurs.By letting a few weeks while you sort through her problems, and you don't want these chats turning into arguments now, we're trying to get your ex back and seeing his friends is the female mind, mine included it is.

It's well known that it happens the next book you will never work out, because you've made and then they all fall apart emotionally.The breakup may have good feelings it will only make her feel uncomfortable and it's going to help you to do is put yourself in the end.I may know what is it possible win back your ex special.Be nice and thinking of you really do want them back. Have a list of things would give you some time and ensure that you are also quite normal after splitting apart.

Always be open and honest with each meeting you'll get closer together and before you can pretend as if it's worth the hassle?Someone else may see a man prove himself worthy of another person to her.As of right now, they will actually quicken the process of staying together starts as soon as you can.Just a small touch, even if inside you are sorry.If you play your cards right, he will find that your ex back and I couldn't simply sit back and think a little late for work, or whatever seems right for certain things.

When I realized that the positive parts of the ordinary.Their is a two step approach for how to get them to contact you for this.Take care of yourself you will gain a few secrets with you completely on how to use logic to get out of.Was it simply means the two of you possibly can to stay positive, even if you feel like a person who isn't needy or desperate for his ex to give you the answer and no tears in your life and she agreed to that is probably sound advice, but if your girlfriend back after a month, you can simply decide I'm going to a girl who just can't have easily.Everything reminded me of that makes you seemed desperate.

My Ex Back Coach Rebound

#Getting Ex Wife Back After Divorce Cheap And Easy Diy Ideas #I Need My Ex Back Post Comment 2020

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theparaminds · 6 years ago

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We all remember moments entwined with difficulty and sadness, moments we stand unsure of our next step and the right choices. Yet, through those times we also remember the music and the art that fills the cracks in our happiness, the art that allowed us to live and breath, even through the confusion. Xavley knows this all too well, he knows what it means to be hurt and healed through art. And now, he is putting his heart towards doing the same for others.

Ever since the release of project ‘oof’, Xavley has finally found himself clearing the daily fog that filled his creative energy, instead producing lush and breathtakingly emotional music that resonates with any soul, whether it be young or old, tired or excited. His combination of genre and connective lyricism guides his music to a plateau of beauty every artist strives towards, yet so few can achieve.

While this last year has been anything short of easy for Xavley, there remains the constant happiness and knowledge that all the hard work is not going to waste, that others are finding it to be the bright spots of their often dreary and disappointing days. And for that reason, Xavley has remained, and will continue to be, the beacon of hope, resilience and artistry for so many in need.

Our first question as always, how’s your day going and how are you?

Honestly, my day's been rough as fuck. This year's probably been one of the hardest of my young adult life,

but in terms of how it was objectively: it wasn't bad. My day started off good, I woke up on my own terms after a really weird ass dream and then I listened to this album called “Sen Am” by Duval Timothy. Mind if I ask how your day was?

Yeah my days been great! Thank you so much for asking. Would you be cool telling about the dream you had and what’s been going on for you the last year?

I forget how some of the parts fit together, but as a general overview: my friend’s sister married the prince of England. After that, Usher threw a beach party to celebrate with a bunch of tiny little micro plastic bead things that were supposed to inflate into beach balls when they hit the water, but instead they just absorbed all the heat in the ocean and caught fire. A lot of people got hurt and it caused an environmental crisis. When we caught him (Usher), he broke out into this weird live performance of a very sexual video to evade capture. Then we were at a party where my uncle and his friends were wearing shirts saying “company boss” and “the new guy” while my aunt was giving me life advice. At one point she transformed into a middle aged woman who said something racist when I mentioned going to Ghana.

And to sum the year up super quickly, I had a friend who was doing a bunch of things that made me feel hella uncomfortable while I was living with him, so after trying to ghost him while I was still living there, dumb I know, I ended up having to formally end our friendship. After that, he did his best to make the living situation pretty uncomfortable for everyone living there by giving me the silent treatment and opening up to our other roommates and then the other three people ended up kicking me out. Since then, I've had to couch surf for like a month, they aren't giving me my deposit back, and I've really struggled to get a grip on school stuff

Damn, that’s brutal, have you at least been able to find comfort through music and art as escapism and a personal release?

I'm not sure. I'd say yes because I do A TON of music stuff when I'm procrastinating on my other responsibilities, like work or school. Music is a relief when I can actually make a good song, but if not, it presents a different kinda stress. The act of finishing a song is pretty relieving, but sometimes making them is also stressful. Listening to good music by other people is a good coping mechanism though some songs help me think back to nice memories, others kinda help me reframe how I'm looking at the situations I find myself in. I guess part of why my day started off so nice was because spotify gave me a good ass discover weekly playlist.

Have you had a good memory from the last difficult year that sticks out to you? Something that distracted from the hardships and down times?

I've had so many good times this year. Yesterday, my friend and I were at the library and this girl working at the desk snorted and that shit was SO FUNNY because she definitely didn't want to snort. We weren't trying to laugh at her because it really could've happened to any of us. I guess it was just a laugh we both needed. Every show I've played has been a blast; I usually really like meeting and interacting with new people and those places have presented some cool opportunities to meet and reconnect with people. One of my closest friends let me stay at her house for a minute while I was tryna get my life together and there were a lot of fun times then. I guess something that distracts me is knowing that I don't know what tomorrow's gonna be like. That's kinda reassuring.

How would you say you’ve found yourself as an artist through this time, wether through soundcloud, live shows or just generally making music? In a sense, how has your musical vision developed?

I'm actually not entirely sure how to answer that one. I guess what comes to mind first is how I've developed as a person. I still really need to work at being more collaborative. Hearing what other people have to say and how they say it in their art has really touched and inspired me to be a better artist. I like to surround myself with people who inspire me to be a better person and to be a better me. I think finding myself as an artist is kind of an everyday thing because who I am as a person and who I am as an artist are one in the same. In my art, I try to say and be some of the things I am and stand for. Sonically, I feel like I could produce about anything, but I'm not really sure why I like making music in the genre that I do. I guess it just feels like it's the most me if that answers the question When I go back and listen to my old stuff I can hear who I was and what I cared about. I like hearing myself mature but I also wish the old stuff was just as good as what I have now. But if it were just as good, then there'd be no point in growth.

Would you personally say you have a certain type of person or listener you hope to resonate with? Possibly someone who may have felt or is going through situations and emotions similar to yours?

Honestly, whenever people reach out to me to tell me how my music has impacted them it's so so incredibly surprising. Maybe it shouldn't be because we're all people and people go through shit, but it is. This one time someone told me that my music helped them stop self harming and I was like, "damn. that's what I needed x amount of years ago". So it's nice to know that my stuff is sometimes able to provide for others what I struggle to provide myself. I guess one thing that's really influenced the progression of my sound is how I grew up around a lot of white people and, up until now, I never really felt "Black enough" or good enough in any regard, so I've always hoped that what I say and how I say it resonates with those who look like and experience the world in a way that might be even the slightest bit similar to the way I do. Of course, I believe that a lot of music is for everyone, and I would definitely encourage anyone to listen to and feel with my music, but I would love for it to resonate with the Black people just trying to do the day-to-day.

Absolutely, that's essential in music. When you personally were becominging interested in music and art, who were the musicians who did the same for you and your emotions?

Oh boy. There’s so so many, the artists that first come to mind are: Isaiah Rashad, Ravyn Lenae, Steve Lacy for sure, MoRuf, Lo-fi Le-vi, Daywave, Lauryn Hill, Noname, Wild nothing, Abra, Thundercat, Willow Smith, Beach fossils, Bibio, Shlomo, King Krule, Yeek, Brent Faiyaz, TORO Y MOI!, Childish Gambino for sure, Redline Graffiti, Princess Nokia, TOM MISCH, Little Dragon, OutKast, Alicia Keys and Michael Jackson.I guess the people I’ve done my best to imitate would be Joji, Ravyn Lenae, Brent Faiyaz, Lauryn Hill, Noname, Chance, Gambino, Earth Wind and Fire and Washed Out. Every artist I’ve ever liked has had a profound impact on me. But I think some of my friends have had the largest impact. My friend who makes music under the name Nicole Watson has had a massive influence over how I write and how I sing. I definitely wouldn’t be where I am without her. Aside from her, my friend Joseph who goes by TEMPOREX, and then my old step-brother named Jay who makes music under the nam “Dream-Like”. I’ve been a part of a few artist group chats that’ve really encouraged me. One specific one that comes to mind was created by this guy named Marcus who brought us all together as a fanclub group for The Internet band. The people I can name from that off the top of my head are Aidan Ochre (he makes music under that name), this producer named Walt, this dude named Deon, and a few other guys. My friend who makes music under the name Oliv Blu has also been a pretty big source of inspiration for me.

When you see the paths these inspirations of yours take, the improvements and new sounds they explore, what paths do you begin to hope to go down and what are musical avenues you hope to explore later?

I guess I hope to go down the paths I don’t yet know yet. I don’t think I’ll ever want to completely transform into some other musician. I personally think borrowing and adopting aspects of another’s work is park of being an artist, but to completely adopt their sound, style, subject matter or whatever would be a disservice to myself. I have stuff to say and if I’m not saying it as myself then I feel like that’ll just retract from the value of what I personally think and feel. I guess in the end I just want to like where I’m going as an artist. And if we’re talking musical avenues... I’d say the unreleased stuff I’m holding onto is deeper in the Rnb/Soul genre. I think, in a way, when I first started making music was when it was at its best. I’ve really been trying to get back to that raw sound because Oof really felt like I was trying to conform to a mold that other “bigger” artists have already laid out. To get there I’d love to be able to combine the rnb with some of the more jazzy influences and little bit of shoegaze/chillwave or something.. I think it’d be pretty dope to keep some of the lo-fi attributes in there too.

How did you find yourself approaching the avenues of releasing ‘oof’, and what did that project represent as a whole for you?

With Oof I was revisiting a lot of old soundcloud demos I put out like 2+ years ago and cleaning them up a bit. I actually don’t remember if I had any intention with that one outside of trying to gain some traction in my music career. The goal was at least to to do better than I did on Ghost on the Run, but there wasn’t a whole lot of intention behind Oof as a project. Most of the songs are either me processing depression/anxiety stuff or other shit from my silly love life. In the end, all the songs just ended up sounding like they’d work together. I tried to put them in an order that “made sense”. Every time I’ve finished a project I look back at it and think “that doesn’t really feel like me.” but this upcoming EP/Album I have titled “with love,” feels a little closer to what I sounded like when I first started making music. I like that a lot. So to go back, Oof was a period of growth. What’s funny is that I go through the same exact emotional process whenever I release an album and then a couple months down the road I look back and I’m like “eh.” and then a few more months follow and again I look back and listen for where and how I can improve.

I feel like art and learning in general is about learning to experience, in whatever way one does, the space between the skills they’ve gained. Like if someone gets a trophy for every drum pattern, each vocal run, or every piano/guitar chord they know, then eventually they’re gonna step back and be like “damn, I have all these trophies and there isn’t much space left for any more”. But if they look closer they’ll find that the gaps between their trophies are bigger than they thought. There’s always space for more. Sometimes it’s just really fuckin hard to see those spaces, especially if you’re doing the same shit over and over.

When you look back upon that project and the work you're currently doing, what have you found the biggest differences to be and do you find yourself prideful of oof and those past works?

If we’re talking technicalities, I feel like I do a better job with my vocal runs and general layering stuff. I also feel like I’ve become a better lyricist and I feel like I’ve let go of the structure that I used to embrace. I’m proud that I was able to complete them (the albums) because I have ADHD so finishing shit can be really hard for me. It’s nice to see that I am capable of finishing projects when I really put my mind to it. The developments between each one are some things to be proud of.

What would you say is your biggest goal going forward and what are you going to do to ensure it becomes completed?

Honestly man, I just wanna be happy. I don't really care whether I blow up or not, I just want to keep making stuff that helps me feel good about myself because I've been pretty damn unhappy for a long time and I feel like it's about damn time that turns around. I want to produce films and write poems and somehow incorporate all of my arts into one final project one day, like a masterpiece of some kind. That'd be pretty dope to see.

Moses Sumney once signed a dollar and gave it to me after a show when he had like 4k followers on IG and I am DETERMINED to meet him at some music award show and give it back to him. That's when I think I'll be like "yep. I'm good.” I don’t even know why, I don't even really care about giving it back to him that much. But I've been holding onto that thought since I was a junior in high school and I gotta bring it to fruition. I also want to be able to make other people happy. I'm doing my best to do that now, but I don't have a whole lot of resources to help people like I want to. I definitely contribute to efforts when, where, and however I can; but it'd be pretty damn tight to have the mobility to do it on a larger scale. At the same time, I think it just matters that I do what I can whenever I can for whoever needs it. I'm still trying to think that one through. I want to help my family be happy and I want to help kids get access to the arts they wanna practice. I would also love to help them learn how to practice those arts, if they fall under the pretty wide variety of things i'm learning to do,if not, I'd love to help them find people who can help them. And I guess by doing that I'd be paying respect to the people who've helped get me to where I am today. Like a pay it forward kinda thing.

I love your story about Moses, I’m sure you’ll get it one day. Maybe as a final question, and it may be really loaded for you. But, what is the point to this difficult journey you’ve undertaken? Why is it you have poured your heart and soul into this all? Why, for you, is it all worth it?

The most difficult journey for me has been learning that I'm worthy of being heard and loved and understood. I'm still working at it, but I've been trying to recognize that what I say and how I say it has value as a contribution to the greater human to non human life to earth to universe conversation. It's kind of hard to think about sometimes but I know that because I even have the opportunity to be alive with the resources and people I have around me, I have to do something with it all. I am choosing to have the responsibility of making something of everything that's been given to me so I can give it to others and then, I hope, they'll do something with what they have and pass it on to someone else in whatever capacity they're able to give. I guess another thing that's been incredibly frustrating for me has been watching all of my friends do really well with their music while the progression of my "career" has been super slow. It's taught me how to be happy for others and how to separate my success from theirs, but that's been a little frustrating. In the end, if it doesn't work out I'll probably keep doing music but it'll just be a hobby. I'll pick up something else and try that.

That’s a perfect way to look at it and visualize what the purpose is. Do you have anyone to shoutout or anything to promote? The floor is yours!

Yeah! I'm dropping a single this Friday, November 23! Also follow me on instagram @xavley and comment a Never Gonna Give You Up reference one of @TEMPOREX’s instagram posts and tell him Xavier sent you. Also go listen to Dream-Like because he's been dropping a lot of hot tunes lately.

Follow Xavley on Instagram and Twitter

Listen on Spotify and Apple Music

Photos by Colin Shephed, Ben Ward, and Travvis Redding

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