#when they show idols crying and in distress behind the stage

[jentlemahae]

i hate kpop documentaries …….

[alpacaparkaseok]

Can’t Keep My Hands To Myself

pairing/genre: Taehyung x reader, idol!reader x idol!taehyung

premise: When you lock eyes with your soulmate, you’re immediately teleported to them. So, technically it’s not your fault that you ended up in Kim Taehyung’s lap for all to see.

word count: 1.3k

[1/2]

requested by @marianeamine​ - thanks for the fun request! a picture of your request will be at the bottom of the post! (also, can we just enjoy Yoongi’s tiny clapping in the background of this gif? lol)

The lights are nearly blinding as you move across the stage, basking in the fan-chants you can hear around the giant venue. You don’t claim to be anything like EXO or BTS...but still, you would be lying if you didn’t get some sort of satisfaction at the considerable amount of fans that made it to MAMA this year.

You watch as one of your group members takes the center as you’d practiced, the other two of you flanking her and pushing hard through the final notes of the song. 

Your little trio, while new to the competitive world of K-pop, had an amazingly successful year. When you were invited to perform not one but two of your hit songs on stage at one of the most prestigious award shows of the year, you were floored.

Now, locking eyes with your other bandmate as all three of you hit the final note - which is nothing short of a miracle, considering how hard you’re breathing right now - you can’t help but smile.

What a year it’s been. 

Together, the three of you sink to the floor, keeping those smiles on your faces until lights fade and the cameras go elsewhere. You were instructed to remain sitting on this portion of the stage for about a minute after the performance, due to the hosts coming out on the opposite end of the room and needing to rearrange this corner. It was deemed too dangerous for you all to get down just yet, but you don’t mind.

Now that you don’t have those blinding lights focused on you, you can actually see out into the crowd. Your heart swells as you spot all of your fans with signs and lightsticks, a few of them still trying to see your group through the darkness. It’s tempting to wave at them, but you refrain, not wanting to draw attention away from the hosts. 

“Dude,” Jiwoo scoots closer to you, Ari leaning over as well to hear what she’s whispering, “Is it just me, or did Yeonjun just get like...1000 times hotter?”

You refrain from laughing, instead craning your neck to get a look. “Where’s TXT?”

Jiwoo gives you subtle directions, not daring to point at him for fear of some fancams picking up on her newfound obsession. That would be a PR disaster. 

“They’re kind of hard to see from this angle,” Ari explains, having already found them. “They’re sitting right behind BTS though.”

Well, you know where BTS is sitting. Everyone, whether they like it or not, is automatically tuned in to where the biggest band in the world is sitting. 

You look over at them, eyes jumping over them to see TXT behind them. You grin. “Yeah, they all look really good.”

“Yeah,” Jiwoo huffs. “But Yeonjun looks sooo good, right?”

Squinting your eyes in an effort to get a better look, you’re a little shocked when certain BTS members sense your stare.

You watch with utter embarrassment as Jimin chuckles at your group, nudging Taehyung and mumbling something to him.

“Er...guys...” you begin, praying that Taehyung won’t look this way. How embarrassing, they probably think that you’re gawking at them not TXT.

You don’t get to finish your sentence as you see Taehyung glancing up, saying something to Jimin as he locks eyes with you.

The darkness from your corner of the stage suddenly becomes absolute, wind whistling in your ears as you gasp for air. The strange sensation doesn’t last long, and soon you’re slamming into something solid and warm.

Peeking one eye open, you’re met with fluffy dark hair, and arms that wrap around your waist to keep you from slipping off. 

Before you’re even able to understand what’s happening, you hear it. People whispering, a few even crying out in distress. Did something bad happen?

Straightening up, you let out a little squeak at you find yourself staring straight into the cocoa-dipped eyes of Kim Taehyung. His lips have parted, making it seem like he was gasping just a moment ago. One of his earrings glints in the light, casting him in a diamond-like glow.

Overall, he doesn’t seem to be faring much better than you, but as you go to move away because you’re on the man’s lap, he instinctively tightens his grip. 

“Let her go, Tae,” Namjoon grounds out from the other end of the seats, and it seems like only then does Taehyung begin to hear the obvious uproar and excitement from fans and idols. He gives you an apologetic smile, loosening his grip. 

You fail to return the smile, too dazed to even register what just happened. Rising to your feet, you suddenly become ultra aware of all the cameras that appear to be pointed in your direction.

“Hyung...” Tae murmurs, noticing the cameras as well. Before anything else can be said, you’re nearly tackled as Jiwoo and Ari come rushing over, eyes wide.

“Are you alright?” Jiwoo pants, looking over every square in of your body as though expecting to find a gaping wound. You give her a shaky nod, still struggling to find your voice. 

“...what...what just happened?” You croak out.

Staff from both Bighit and your own agency rush over, forming a packed circle around your trio and BTS. There’s a collective groan that goes around the building from those who’s view is now obstructed, but you pay them no mind.

“Hello,” one staff member says with a gentle smile that immediately puts you at ease. “You’re probably feeling a little strange, right?” You nod. 

Staff are in the process of speaking to Namjoon and the other members, Jiwoo and Ari joining them. Despite the situation, you can’t help but giggle at the fact that Jiwoo is still attempting to discreetly get a look at Yeonjun.

Taehyung comes to stand across from you, eyes flitting between you and the staff member. 

“We’re going to take you guys backstage, alright?” She asks, and the two of you mutely nod. “Stay in the circle, keep your heads down.”

She goes over to check that the other members are alright to stay at the award show or come backstage. They all want to come, but Namjoon looks around the room and comes to a decision.

“We’ll go back in a little while,” he says, ignoring Jungkook’s pout. “I think it might be best for us to stay and act normal. Maybe it’ll help people calm down.”

You don’t bother telling him that it probably won’t do much, you do appreciate the intention.

“Alright! Let’s go!”

Surrounded by staff and bodyguards, you feel like you’ve been swallowed up. Shuffling forward, you turn to look for Taehyung and are shocked when he sidles up next to you and laces his fingers through yours. He gives you a smile, making sure to keep his head down as instructed.

“Hey,” he mumbles, practically making you melt.

You blink up at him, unconsciously sliding a little closer. “Hey.”

“You did really well up there,” he nods to where the stage must be. 

“T-thank you.”

He grins again at your shyness, giving your hand a little squeeze. “Are you excited?”

You frown. “For what?”

Holding up your intertwined hands, Taehyung chuckles. “For this.”

“Ah,” you take a moment to look at your hands, marveling at how perfect they look together. “Definitely.” Then, getting a bit of courage, you grin. “Actually, could you do me a favor?”

He immediately nods, eyes never leaving your face. “Anything.”

“You need to introduce Yeonjun and Jiwoo.”

Taehyung immediately bursts into laughter, the sound echoing off the walls now that you’re backstage. “Really?”

Before you can respond, the same staff member from before rushes past you with a shocked expression. “What just happened?” You ask the people surrounding you.

An older bodyguard takes his hat off and scratches his head, laughing quietly to himself. “Another pair of soulmates made eye contact.”

“Again?!” Both you and Taehyung asks, caught between shock and amusement. “Who?”

Your answer comes in the form of the door to backstage flying open, a second group of bodyguards and assorted staff rushing toward you. Taehyung pulls you closer to him to keep you from getting trampled. As the sea of staff parts, your jaw drops open and you can’t help but laugh.

Because there’s Jiwoo and Yeonjun, staring at each other with reddened cheeks and sheepish grins.

“Well,” Taehyung whispers down to you. “That was easy.”

masterlist || pt. 2

[stray-kids-react]

Shy s/o doesn't think they deserve them

Masterlist

...

Bang Chan

° He loved your shy personality, he just wanted to cuddle and praise you all day long. Even though you are a naturally soft person, that also comes with a lot of insecurities.

° Your boyfriend is a hot aussie leader with a heart of gold who fans call daddy, you can't but feel that you don't deserve such a God like boyfriend. And he can see it bothers you.

° Chan is a sweet heart who will check in on you as often as he can even with his busy schedule, he knows having an idol boyfriend can be stressful and he wants to comfort you.

° Felix was baking brownies, which you usually helped him out with even if it is just to cheer him on as he does his thing. But both of the aussies noticed your missing presence.

° Chan waltzed up to his studio, where you often hung around when you were at the dorms. Once he walked inside he noticed your figure curled up in a chair.

° You were scrolling through some messages that were sent to you via Instagram. None of the messages were pleasant, and Chan's heart broke as he read the truly gruesome ones.

"Maybe they are right. Maybe I don't deserve you." you sighed, slumping back.

"Don't say that, you are a beautiful person inside and out who I couldn't survive without." He reassured, taking your phone away as he cuddled into you.

Lee Know

° Minho always liked you since you first met during the shoot of hellevator. He was pretty obvious with his fondness of you, but you never believed that he could like you.

° Later on once you began dating, he soon realized how low your self confidence truly was. So he made a promise to himself to try and increase it as much as he can.

° Many fans would threaten you for 'taking Minho away', but Minho would shred the letters before you could see how many there truly were. He knew it would hurt you.

° Minho is very affectionate towards you and likes to show you his love through touch. Whenever you seem down, he will cover your face in small pecks until you begin to smile.

° Has seen how come fans and staff treat you, pushing you around and telling you that you aren't worth his time. Minho took it into his own hands and protected you from them.

° He doesn't like seeing you upset or feel like a burden to him, especially since you are so special to him. Minho asked Chan and JYP if he could take at least a week off, they said yes.

"You didn't have to take a week off just for me, I am okay with your schedule." You explained, ruffling his hair.

"I know you're okay with it, but I needed to get away just for a while. And I miss you everytime you're not with me." He replied, gently placing a kiss to your head.

Changbin

° Will do anything to make you see for at least a second how important you truly are to him, he usually sends you hearts and does an adorable aegyo voice when talking to you.

° When you first began to hang out, you were very distant and almost never said a word. Changbin wanted to get to know you, so he constantly made efforts to befriend you.

° Once you opened up you Changbin, he noticed how self conscious and self critical you were of yourself. His confusion as to why you hate yourself only grew stronger.

° Every morning when you both get out of the shower, he will stand you in front of the mirror and poke every feature on your body saying that it is gorgeous and perfect.

° Likes knowing that you feel comfortable around him and that you have him to go to when you are feeling down. He wants to always be there for you and support you.

° Won't admit it to you, but he once teared up while you were asleep because he picked up a hate letter that was directed at you and he was worried that you read it.

"Your eyes, stunning. Your tummy, adorable. Your ears, cute. Your lips, kiss able. Your butt, squishy. Your shoulders, gorgeous..."

"Binnie you have five minutes before dance practice, you should really get going now."

Hyunjin

° Hyunjin is known to be a visual God in all of kpop, even though he is also VERY talented. Many people have a crush on Hyunjin, and you happened to be one of the many.

° His personality was addictive to be around, his looks were God like, and his talent was insane. Thus making it harder and harder for you to see how much he truly adored you.

° You saw yourself on totally different levels, you alwere at a ten while he was in the thousands. Your thoughts always doubting a scenario where you two would date.

° Assuming Hyunjin was just being nice to you, it became very hard for Hyunjin to clue you into that fact that he liked you. Everyone knew this except for you it seemed.

° Jisung, being a close friend to both Hyunjin and yourself. Took it upon himself to try and arrange a way for you to not be so self critical and completely oblivious.

° The next afternoon, you walked into the dance practice room which was now turned into a full on romantic dining area. Shocked as you saw Hyunjin with a rose in his hand.

"Is this for me? It can't be... There must be some sort of mistake or-"

"No mistakes, I've liked you for a while and thought I was being obvious enough. But Jisung told me that I should simply confess."

Han

° You and Jisung have been dating for a while, and you watched proudly as Stray Kids gained more and more popularity as they deserved, since they are talented kings.

° The hate comments sent towards you, and the jealous fans or occasionally staff members and idols. Those never used to bother you, but they became more frequent.

° This slowly picked away at your already small amount of confidence, over thinking everything you do or ever did. And Jisung began to notice your distressed state.

° After a performance he went up to you back stage and leaned in for a kiss, when you barely responded to it and looked around the room nervously, his heart twisted sadly.

° Jisung took you to an unoccupied dressing room, and locked the door behind you. He cupped your cheeks gently as he rested his head against yours. A small sigh escaping him.

° You felt all of the built up sadness and anger rise out of you, as tears slowly sprinkled down your cheeks. Your hands clinging onto his back as he embraced you.

"Shh shh shh, it's okay. Just let it all out, it'll be okay. I'm here for you, you know that."

"I'm sorry, I just felt like I don't deserve you and I shouldn't have been so distant, their words just really hurt."

Felix

° Felix knew it was going to be a bumpy ride seeing as he is under a huge company and his band is very popular, but he was willing to go through all of that with you.

° You and Felix were best friends before you started dating, he knew you were shy and quite distant when it came to people. He started to find it cute after a couple years.

° JYP himself has criticised you for interfering with his idols's lives. Even though you didn't interfere and honestly helped Felix calm down throughout the schedules.

° Felix was disappointed by some fo the fan's toxic behavior towards you, knowing that those types of comments will stick with you for quite sometime. You made him happy and he wished others would see that.

° The other members and artists under JYP saw you as part of the big jyp family, but even their support couldn't stop the sadness that brewed as more hate letters were sent.

° You didn't want to stress your already overworked boyfriend, so you tried to find a quiet spot to cry in. But Felix knew you too well, and knew where you would hide.

"I'm okay Lix, I don't want to stress you out since your already on a hectic schedule today. I'll be fine I swear."

"I won't leave until I know for a fact that you are okay, the practice can wait. You need me right now and I'm going to be here for you."

Seungmin

(He looks so cute! I couldn't help myself lol)

° You were also a beloved idol, and many eoopel actually found your relationship with Seungmin quite adorable. You felt lucky that there wasn't so much hate directed at you.

° Even though you both seemed to have it easy compared to other idol couples, you couldn't help but feel insecure when Seungmin treated you like a queen/king.

° Many fans of yours knew that off stage you are an adorable shy bean, but no one except for Seungmin knew why you would become so shy and distant towards others.

° Your shyness came from extreme anxiety and self image issues. You never had much confidence, and Seungmin made many goals to try and bring your confidence up.

° One day after a hard performance, you sat in front of your dressing room mirror and let your tears slide down your cheeks silently. Letting your anxiety take over everything.

° Seungmin walked in with a box of celebration cupcakes, only to have hsi smile fade once he saw the tears rushing down your features. He felt his heart sink.

"I'm sorry Seungmin. It's stupid really, but I just don't feel like I deserve you."

"Y/n, we are perfect for each other. I spoil you with love and affection because you always make me feel special and loved."

Jeongin

° You knew how beloved Jeongin was, by fans, members, idols, netizens, family... Everyone. This sent a large amount of pressure towards you once you began dating.

°Jeongin loved your quiet and calm personality, it was a nice break from the loud JYP building and Stray Kids dorms. Your shyness is what attracted him to you.

° He liked cuddling with you in your apartment, talking about nothing and everything as a random movie played in the background. It was his favorite place to be.

° You both were open with anything that was bothering you and never let something stir inside of you for too long. He wanted to be your safe haven for when you need one.

° One weekend when he was staying at your place, he noticed you seemed more quiet than usual and asked you what was bothering you. Since something clearly was.

° You snuggled into his chest as you clung onto him tighter, sighing in defeat knowing you will have to admit your feelings even though you think they seem silly.

" I feel like I don't deserve you. I mean, you are Yang Jeongin a literal angel."

"You deserve the universe and everything in it, I love you and only you. Don't put yourself down, remember how much I care about you."

[btxtreads]

Once In A Lifetime | cyj

➳ “This is a love that will last me for a lifetime.”

↳ Pairing: Choi Yeonjun x Reader

↳ word count: 1.8k

↳ genre: angst

Me: I’m going to make Yeonjun fluff to cancel out the sad vibes for Seesaw! Also Me: pain

My boss is calling me because I didn’t do any work today. Enjoy!

“TXT’s Choi Yeonjun rumoured to be dating rookie idol Jeji. More details to follow after the break.”

Y/N sighed, closing the television.

It’s been like this, ever since Tomorrow X Together debuted. It’s always hiding herself, hiding him. He’s never home. She didn’t even know if she was his home anymore.

The doorbell rang, making her jump slightly.

She walked over closer, hands shaking as she opened the door to gaze at the tired eyes of her boyfriend.

“Junie,” she greeted with a small smile, leaning in to place a peck on his lips.

Instead of responding, like he usually does—or, at the very least, smiling—he only grunted, walking past Y/N and plopping down on the couch and opening the television. He gave a big sigh when the television displayed a large image of his face, flashing quickly to a short videoclip of him talking to Jeji at a music show.

Immediately, he pulled out his phone and started typing.

“Why didn’t you sleep at the dorms today?” Y/N asked, smiling softly as she made her way to the kitchen. “Have you had dinner? Are you hungry?”

He didn’t reply, standing up and walking over to her—standing behind her as she opened the cabinet in search of something to cook. He enveloped her in a big embrace, burying his face in her shoulder as he sighed.

“I know you’ve heard about Jeji.”

“It’s fine, babe. It’s just a rumor,” Y/N said, smiling softly at the boy as she planted a kiss on his hair.

She hummed as she pulled a pan from the counter and set it over a low fire from the stove.

“It’s not.” Yeonjun sighed, making the girl freeze.

Yeonjun sighed as his hands moved, closing the stove himself and guiding her over to the kitchen counter.

“Y/N—“

“What do you mean it’s not?”

Yeonjun eyes turned sad, licking his lips in distress.

“Um, I—“

Y/N furrowed her eyebrows, emotions dancing in her eyes as she tried to zero in on one response.

“Yeonjun?”

“It all happened so fast,” Yeonjun said, gulping as he ran a hand through his hair. “She was always there, Y/N,”

Tears started to well up in Y/N’s eyes—so much that it was already impossible to hold back. However, she didn’t sob. She didn’t throw a fit.

She just clenched her fists and let the tears free-flow.

Yeonjun decided that hurt more.

“Why, Junie?”

“Jinjoo—“

“Jinjoo?”

“Jeji—that’s her name,” Yeonjun said, holding her hands. “She was always there. Everytime I looked for you, she just—she’s just there,”

At Y/N’s confused glance, Yeonjun launched into a monologue.

“I’m never home, I never experience anything—I’m always under the spotlight. I’m the oldest in the group, and there’s just this pressure on me, Y/N,” Yeonjun sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I never had anyone to share it with, until I talk to her. It just—she knows, Y/N. She knows, and she understands—she could ease it off. I haven’t done anything yet, but kiss her once when I told her I liked her—I wanted to end this first,”

Y/N’s eyes danced around the room, trying to avoid Yoenjun’s apologetic gaze. The girl gave a small sigh as she smiled over at him sadly.

“I was never enough, was I?”

“No, no—“

“It’s okay, I should have seen this coming,” Y/N smiled, wiping her tears away before cupping his face. “I should have understood that you shined too bright, Junie. I couldn’t keep up but I still tried. Now, look at us.”

Yeonjun sighed, hands cupping over hers.

“Y/N, I’m sorry,” He said. “I tried to hold back, and ignore it, but I really couldn’t. I couldn’t go home here without thinking about her,”

“You’re always going to be my home, Yeonjun.” Y/N said, chuckling softly. “I guess I should’ve accepted long ago that I can never be yours.”

He only smiled, laying a kiss on her forehead.

“I’m leaving.”

“Yeah,”

Y/N watched as he made his way over to the door. Yeonjun turned, looking over at her with a sad smile before he closed the door behind him.

“That’s what you always do,”

Y/N let out the first sob.

It was one year later, when Yeonjun lied down at the dorms having just finished breaking up with Jeji. She wasn’t enough.

She wasn’t home. Yeonjun looked for a respite, a chance to be him outside the spotlight. He looked for somebody who understood Choi Yeonjun—not someone who only knew the eldest TXT member.

He kept looking for her.

As he scrolled through his phone, he can’t help but open that one single folder of memories he kept buried deep under his phone. He pulled out that one video��him in the park with Y/N the day he found out he was going to debut.

“Baby,”

“Hm?” Y/N in the video asked, distracted as she threw duck feed into the park pond.

“I’m going to debut.”

The girl in the video froze, and then she dropped the bag of food in her hands to jump on the boy and give him a kiss—covering the camera as she squealed.

“I knew you could do it, I love you—I love you!” Y/N laughed as Yeonjun held the camera away to document them as she attached herself to him. “Your dream is coming true—You deserve everything, and I know you’ll do great. I love you.”

This.

This was what he wasted.

It’s not too late to get it back, right?

Y/N jumped as a frantic series of noises came from the door.

“Jeez, I’m almost there!” Y/N huffed, opening the door. “I didn’t order anything, you have the wrong address.”

“Y/N.”

Her eyes rose, being met with the sight of Yeonjun panting at her doorway—his blonde hair almost glinting in the light.

“Yeonjun.” She blinked, gulping as she moved aside. “Come in, do you need water?”

“No,” Yeonjun shook his head as he made his way in the apartment. Not wasting anytime, he grabbed her shoulders and firmly looked her in the eyes. “Y/N, I need you.”

“What?”

Y/N blinked.

A year ago, this would have been everything she ever wanted. She would have withstood all the pain and the suffering, if he could only keep telling her that.

She never really stopped thinking about him, anyways.

But...

“Why?” She asked, furrowing her eyebrows.

“Jeji was—she wasn’t what I wanted. I know that now. I wanted a home—I wanted someone who will be there for me despite what the fucking Billboard Chart says, I wanted someone who didn’t care about me being famous—but loves me because I’m Yeonjun.”

Y/N pursed her lips, blinking as Yeonjun ranted.

“But, Jun—” Her eyes turned confused as Yeonjun shook his head.

“What I’m trying to say is, I love you. I love you, Y/N. I always have.”

“Yeonjun,” Y/N said, frowning in sympathy. “You shouldn’t.”

“I-I’m sorry. I know I screwed things up, but I’ll be better!” Yeonjun exclaimed, pulling Y/N closer and tucking her hair behind her ear. “I—Home stopped being a place when I met you. I didn’t lie about that. I wasn’t lying when I told you I loved you.”

“I love you, too, Yeonjun.” Y/N sighed, shifting his hair away from his forehead. “But I can’t.”

Yeonjun’s eyes widened frantically.

“No, Y/N! I won’t leave again!” Yeonjun pleaded. “I’m right here, I promise. I’m not going to leave,”

Y/N’s eyes turned sympathetic.

“Yeonjun, this isn’t it.” Y/N shook her head. “The last moments I had with you—Jun, I didn’t see you smile. For months.”

“I was confused—“

“You weren’t happy.”

Yeonjun closed his eyes and leaned his forehead on hers.

“I won’t be happy without you.”

“Don’t make me be the sole reason for you being happy.” came Y/N’s soft reply.

Screwing his eyes shut, Yeonjun leaned in to land a rough, desperate kiss on her lips. Y/N cupped his face, replying as intensely before pulling away.

“I can’t be with you.”

“Why not?”

“Yeonjun, I’m leaving.” She sighed, making Yeonjun eyes fly open.

For the first time, he let his eyes dance around the apartment—taking in the suitcases piled up by the door. He slowly looked over at her.

“Where?”

“Boston—I’ll be studying Law in Harvard,” Y/N sighed, biting her lip. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Yeonjun nodded determinedly. “I’ll go with you.”

“Yeonjun, stop.”

“I’ll pack up. I’ll-I’ll tell the boys and BangPD, and—“

“Don’t ruin your dream just because you’re trying to work this out.”

Yeonjun’s pained eyes landed back on Y/N’s sad gaze.

“I love you, but I’m not risking your dream for mine.”

“Stay.” came Yeonjun’s broken whisper.

“Yeonjun, no.” Y/N said, voice shaking as she started to cry again.

“Why?”

“Because this is the first thing I’m ever going to do for myself,” Y/N replied, closing her eyes. “I love you, but this is my one shot at showing myself that I love me too.”

Yeonjun closed his eyes, breathing deeply.

He didn’t want it. He didn’t like it, but he knew. He understood. She wasted all her chances for him back then—he always took his shots. It was time she did too.

“I’ll wait for you, until you get back.”

“No, don’t.” Y/N shook her head, smiling softly. “I’ll leave. I’ll leave loving you. I’ll always be in love with you, but I’ll go and experience everything without you. I want you to do, too.”

Yeonjun didn’t reply, pursing his lips.

“When I come back, one day,” Y/N said, voice still shaking with emotion as tears flowed down. She swallowed back the pain as gulped. “And you still love me, and I still love you. When everything is good, and there’s still a chance for you and me—then we’ll go. We’ll take it. That means it’s us.”

Yeonjun sighed and wrapped his arms around her waist.

“Thank you for letting me fall in love with you.”

“Thank you for letting me experience love and heartbreak—Look at me, Yeonjun,” Y/N said, locking her gaze firmly with his. “This is a love that will last me for a lifetime.”

“Maybe one day,” he started. “I’ll find you again.”

Y/N only smiled, leaning forward and planting a soft kiss on his lips—leaving out all the promises and farewells.

One day.

Thank you for coming!

As soon as the stage lights closed down, Yeonjun made a beeline to the dressing room. Soobin and Beomgyu exchanged confused glances as their hyung tore off all the microphones and equipments on his body and made a beeline outside the venue.

At the parking lot, there was a girl leaning on a car as she crossed her arms and smiled.

“It’s you,” Yeonjun said, a smile slowly growing on his face.

The girl only smile, sparing a soft smile at the rest of the members exiting behind the boy.

“Hey, Junie,” she greeted. “I’m home.”

Maybe this was their chance.

[jaminjims]

found family {imagine}

@catsandstrawberries​ requests: Hi I have a request. Can you do an ot7 x youngest female 8th member reader maybe late teens (like 17 18ish) maybe fathers day is coming up and reader never had a good relationship with her father or any male in her life (abuse, abondment, trauma, etc) and maybe just a bunch of fluffy and angsty scenarios of her relationship with the boys when they become more like older brothers/father figures to her. Maybe one where she choreographs a dance and shows Hobi and he openly stares how proud Cont. 🐣

He is of her and maybe it just really touches her. Or maybe one where she falls asleep on the couch and one of the boys brings her to her room. And maybe a final angsty one where she tells them how much she loves them and how hard it is to know her own family didnt care about her but the b o us are like, you're wrong, your family does care about you, were your family. Something like that. I really love your writing and hopefully you can write this, if not dont worry, much love! 🐣

a/n: ahh this was the fic i wrote 4.3k words for but then decided i didn’t like it so i started over lmao. i don’t really know why this fic was kinda difficult for me to write but it was still something i enjoyed writing a lot and i’m proud of myself for finishing it! and this is probably one of my favorites that i’ve written if i’m being completely honest. the found family troupe is what i LIVE for and this one literally melts my heart. and of course thank you so so much to the lovely catsandstrawberries for the request! i really enjoyed writing it so i hope you enjoy reading it! 

pairing: platonic ot7 x f!reader (reader will refer to the older members as hyung though!)

genre: angsty in the beginning but it turns really fluffy so just hang in there! 

warnings: brief mention of child abandonment, child neglect, bad father daughter relationship, loneliness, insomnia, forgetting to eat 

words: 6k

[disclaimer: when writing idol aus, i will only be focusing on the struggles of the reader, not of the idols themselves because i don’t personally know what struggles they go through and how they handle them.] 

{song(s) i recommend while reading: someone’s someone - monsta x}

~**~

here’s the thing about family: it’s sometimes fickle and sometimes strong

you came from a prestigious family of bankers, except you wouldn’t really call it a family 

it was more like relatives tolerating each other more than anything 

your mom had left when you were young so you only had faint silhouettes and hollow laughter to remember her by. but that just left the two of you 

you and your father 

instead the memories you grew up with were of a dad who was cold and controlling and never really around long enough for you to truly feel like he loved you 

it was always “y/n you have to look good for the family” “y/n you have to do this for the families reputation” “y/n you have to smile for the media so they think we are a happy family” 

the word family was thrown around so much you didn’t think you really knew what it meant anymore

because it was always “y/n you need to do better” “y/n why are you so flawed?” y/n you’re more of a disappointment that a daughter”

never “y/n, i’m proud of you” 

it was always what he wanted and never had he asked what you wanted

he never once helped you with your homework, never once had a family meal together

never once said he loved you 

you had to instead learn to cook yourself, learn to swim, learn to ride your bike, all by yourself 

all things a father should have done, he never did 

instead it was all fake laughter and smiles in front of the media and cold stares and loneliness behind closed doors 

you used to cry yourself to sleep because of how lonely and lost you felt but now you just opted to barely sleeping at all 

and you often forgot to eat because it would just remind you what you could’ve had but didn’t 

you also tended to be alone at school because everyone knew of you but no one really knew you 

the only thing that really saved you was dancing

it was the only way you could really express yourself without needing words and you found that comforting 

it was intimate and deep and it was your raw soul being transmitted through movements 

and it was your only reprieve from the fake media, the fake smiles, the fake laughter 

and the fake family 

so most of your days were spent in a dance studio, choreographing your own pieces and dancing your heart out and it was really the only way you knew how to express yourself

it was when you were fifteen when you had discovered that music companies were hosting auditions and you wanted more than anything to be up on a stage and preform

you had never longed for something more than you did now

but you knew your father would never allow it and maybe that was the thought that pushed you to make the decision of joining

because you knew if you continued to live the way you did now, you would never be enough for him and you were sad and lonely and just tired of faking everything

so if you were always going to be a failure to him then at least you could have fun along the way, right?

so you auditioned to every single company you could and in the end it was only one who had accepted you and for the first time you were really happy

so, so happy that you danced all the way home and cried and for once didn’t pay mind to the eyes looking in

your dad was of course furious when he found out and it hurt that he was so against your dream 

but the elation you felt at finally doing something for yourself, with no other reason but because you wanted too, it was something thrilling and if you had known that freedom would feel like this then you would’ve done it a long time ago 

but it still stung when he cut you out of his life completely, like you weren’t even there in the first place. like you never existed

cut off all means of financial support. insurance, healthcare, even schooling

all because you didn’t want to be what he wanted you to be

and you cried for the first few nights because this was your conformation. conformation that he really didn’t love you and only saw you as a means to continue his legacy 

but you continued on. confidently packing your bags and leaving that place that was never really a home to you 

and when you moved into the dorms bighit had for trainee’s, you felt like this, this was your chance. and if you failed, then you would go crawling back to your father and beg for forgiveness like you knew he wanted 

you only had one opportunity, and you used it for everything it was worth 

you had gotten a part time job, something you wanted to experience because for every other kid it was normal. got to stay out late and dance and sing and just experience things that you had never gotten to do in the confines of your old home 

in the confines of your father

and even if you didn’t get to continue your education (which you were greatly distressed about) you were happy because you were doing stuff you wanted 

it was when you were eighteen, when you spent two years as a trainee before you got the news that...

you made it 

you had made it! you were going to be put in a group! and even if they had already long ago debuted, you were going to show them that you were worth it 

you were worth more than what you father had said about you, than what he had planned for you 

but with that elation came hesitance

because you were joining a group that was composed of all males, seven of them, and you didn’t have a good experience with any males (well, male) in your life and you would be lying if you said you weren’t even a little bit scared

because you were never good enough for your father, what made them any different? what if you weren’t ever going to be good enough for anyone?

but they were different. they showed you that not every male was going to be like your father, that you were enough and more 

when you had first met them, you were a timid little thing because you had previously been sheltered and didn’t really have any friends 

you didn’t really know how to open up to anyone because no one ever cared to really try to connect 

they were all smiles and politeness and you blushed under their attention because no one really showed an interest in learning about you, not like they had

but you didn’t tell them everything. actually, you didn’t really tell them anything because you were scared that if the found out the truth, they would think you were useless just like your father

so you told them your name, age (which they were surprised about because you were young compared to them), and half truths 

about how you were not really close with your family, about how you weren’t really close with any friends 

and you expected them to look down on you for your answers but instead they welcomed you with open arms and treated you like they would treat anyone else 

and you loved it. loved that they saw you for you instead of just a rich mans daughter 

so slowly, you started opening up to them

they treated you like a normal person (a thing which you craved because it was something you never experienced) and they never only pointed out the things you were doing wrong, like your father had 

instead they pointed out your flaws and also pointed out what you had excelled at

“y/n, you should turn your body and bend a bit more for that move, but your energy was really good!” “maybe reach a little bit higher for that note? it went a little flat for a second, but your part in the bridge was perfect.” 

and it was those comments that you held close and cherished because they pushed you to do better but it was different than than the way your father pushed you

because you refined the things that you could actually fix instead of just thinking everything about yourself was horrible 

and maybe it was weird, but you really started to look up to them and that only caused you to work harder so that you would make them proud

but it wasn’t until a late night in the dance studio with jimin that really shifted your relationship with all of them

you couldn’t sleep again (like most nights) and you were dancing to a song that you had choreographed yourself 

you slightly overstepped and pushed your body forward by accident and had ended up twisting your ankle 

you almost started crying because what if the boys thought you were going to be a hindrance? what if they thought you were a failure for holding them back? 

but then the the dance studio door opened and in came walking jimin and you felt yourself shrink in, trying to make your body as small as possible because you were so scared 

and it was weird because you never felt this scared when you thought your dad would look down on you and you had only been in the group for two months and you shouldn’t be feeling this attached

and everything was overwhelming and jimin gasped when he spotted you on the floor crying with a bruised ankle 

his heart hurt to see you this upset so he quickly walked over and tried to get you to slow your breathing and when his calm and soothing voice reached your ears, you couldn’t help but relax slightly because he didn’t seem to be angry, only worried 

and then what he said next had you crying for a whole different reason

“is it ok with you if i look at your ankle?” 

he had asked. he had asked if it was something you wanted and that surprisingly meant more to you then it probably should 

and once again they proved that they were different than your father because your dad would just do, without any concern to what it might do to you. but they thought about you, about your well being 

you found yourself nodding and once he saw you were crying still he creased his eyebrows with worry, “does it hurt that bad?” 

you shook your head again and managed to get out, “you aren't mad at me?” 

and the world seemed to stop for a second and you held your breathe as you waited for his answer, and when he opened his mouth you got scared that he was actually angry

“you thought i would be mad? of course i’m not, it wasn’t your fault. it’s ok, you’re ok.” and even with your hurt ankle you leaned forward and hugged him because you were so relieved that he didn’t think you were a failure, glad that he still thought you were worth it

and even though he was confused at your reaction, he hugged you back anyway because he wanted to be there for you in any way he could

and your adoration for them only increase since then. you were really starting to feel closer to them and really starting to rely on them 

the week your ankle was healing, they made sure to check in every hour to see if everything was ok and it was a little overwhelming at times because you had never been this looked after before and it was new to you

and at least one of them would arrive home from practice early and give you everything you needed 

one time when yoongi came back early, he had come into your room and asked if you needed anything and you said no because you didn’t wanna hinder him but then your stomach growled in betrayal and you blushed 

he frowned and sat beside you on you’re bed, rubbing the back of his neck, “now, i know that i don’t look like the comforting type, but i’ll still help if you ask.” 

and your eyes widened and you shook your head, shooting up in bed because it really wasn’t that you thought he was bad at comforting but it was because you really just forgot to eat again

and that’s what you told him and he frowned for a different reason, “you forget to eat?” and then you would look down in shame because you thought he was disappointed in you 

he looked at your lowered head and sighed, lightly bumping shoulders with you, “hey, it’s ok. i’m not mad or anything. just worried.” 

and you tentatively looked up at him, hiding behind your hair, “i... just don’t eat that much. reminds me of the things i can’t have.” and then you looked back down

and yoongi thought that his heart broke a little bit because you sounded so small and sad and he was confused as to why but what he did know is that it hurt him to hear and see you like that 

he then bumped his shoulder with yours again so you would look up and then he flicked your forehead when you did 

and you looked at him with a slightly offended expression while bringing your hand up to touch the spot he flicked and once he saw the look on your face, he smirked a little, “what are you thinking about now?” and you would get this confused look on your face, because why was he asking? “why you flicked me.” 

and then he would smile triumphantly, “then it worked.” 

and it wouldn’t be till later that you realized that he had gotten you too think about something else so you wouldn’t dwell on the bad memories you had, and you smiled brightly trying to fall asleep that night

but you noticed that they all would start to bring more snacks in their bags whenever they went anywhere and offer them to you and it was hard to say no because you were kinda hungry when you thought about it 

and food started to taste a little better when you were around them 

and as time passed, they only surprised you more and more with their personalities and you started to really like just being around them, you felt like a better person 

and over time you had all grown closer too, up to the point where you would get into petty fights like real siblings (at least you liked to think of it that way, you never had any siblings)

for example, one time you were sitting on the couch scrolling through a phone the company recently got you and here comes jungkook running down the hallway 

he then jumps and lands right on top of your sitting figure on the couch and you yell because it scared you and why was he sweaty? 

“yah! get off me!” you then would push him on the face but it would get you nowhere because he was quite literally almost twice your size 

“no, i don’t wanna.” then he would shrug and pull out his phone while he was crushing you with his body weight and then you would scream out “hyung!” in hopes anyone would hear you and all of them would come running into the room because you never yelled and they thought it was an emergency 

but then it would sink in that, that was the first time you had called them hyung and they would get these goofy smiles on their faces (even jungkook, from where he was sitting on top of you) and you would look at them and then realize what you did 

you gasped and started apologizing because what if they didn’t want you to call them that? (obliviously not getting the message that they did from their faces alone)

but they would just shoot down your apologies because they would be happy that you finally felt close and comfortable enough to call them that 

and jin would walk up and ruffle your hair - well as best he could while jungkook was still sitting on you - and “come help your hyung in the kitchen.” and your smile would be worth more than anything to them and you would push jungkook off of you easily this time while yelling yes 

you then stuck your tongue out at him and he made a funny face back that had you giggling 

but something was always weighing on your mind, and it was the lack of your education. since your father had cut you off, you had no means on furthering your learning and it was something that really upset you because who couldn’t even complete highschool education? and you were afraid that the other members would be disappointed in you 

so you asked manager sejin (which he had grown pretty fond of you over the months) for a computer because you wanted to complete your education online if anything and he was completely behind the idea and backed you up 100 percent 

so you started your online learning but you had to admit, it was hard when you didn’t have a teacher to consult things with 

and you would get so frustrated because why couldn’t you just get this right? it was simple math! and you were disappointed in yourself because this was a big blow to your ego 

you were afraid that the others would would laugh at you but then you thought about how they proved time and time again that they were different than your father and so with that thought in mind you summoned your courage and went to knock on namjoon’s door

he was surprised to see you but smiled anyway and you sat down on his bed with your hair covering your face because you were still embarrassed and they didn’t know that you hadn’t finished highschool 

and he saw that you were struggling with what to say so he waited patiently because the last thing he wanted to do was scare you off

and you were grateful for that, so after a few minutes you gathered your thoughts and decided to just plunge right into the conversation, “hyung,” and they still smiled when you called them that, “i’m doing online school and um, was wondering if you could help me? i mean you don’t have to or anything but i just-” and he put a hand over your head to stop your rambling and smiled that dimple smile of his, “of course i’ll help. what do you need me for?” 

and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t a little surprised because it was highschool sophomore math because he thought that you had already graduated highschool but he still was glad to help you anyway 

and you could tell he wanted to ask but was hesitant, so you made it easier for him, “i wasn’t able to finish highschool.” and he looked perplexed for a moment but when he took in your sad expression he didn’t say anything more so you quietly added on “i don’t have a relationship with my father so..” and you trailed off and he sighed silently because it was hard for him to wrap his head around why someone would make you so sad, especially if that someone was your father so instead he opted to take your mind off the issue 

so he spoke up, “yah, the pythagorean theorem isn’t gonna learn itself.” and so the two of your stayed up and you understood the subject more when he explained it than in any real class you ever had 

so, these teaching sessions are almost a daily routine and sometimes it would be the others helping and it became something that you really enjoyed

because no one was ever willing to help you like this 

after months of living and knowing them, it was finally the crunch time to get ready for your first comeback with them and you were so nervous 

you would stay up later than usual to practice and they would be lying if they said they weren’t a little worried about your lack of sleep but they used to do the same thing before comebacks so they let it slide somewhat

but what they didn’t know was that you were also going to be doing a solo dance performance and you were so scared that no one would like it so you finally crumbled and asked for hobi because you wanted his opinion on your routine 

but his reaction to your dance sequence was one you didn’t expect 

as you flipped and glided through your choreo, hoseok stared wide eyed at you in wonder because he knew you were an amazing dancer but when it was just you and him in the dance studio, the emotion that you portrayed... it was just an astounding site to see

and when you finished you saw his expression and blushed, hiding your face in your hair because no one had looked at you like that before

“what? was it bad?” and it was a couple more moments before hoseok really gathered his thoughts to put them into words and he just walked over to you and put his hands on your shoulders so you would look at him

“y/n-ah, that was amazing. just everything about it... aish you have me speechless.” and he gave you that hobi heart smile and you couldn’t keep your eyes from tearing up but what he said next really got the waterworks going

“i am so, so proud of you, y/n” 

and you openly cried and hearing that sentence from someone you really looked up to was something you never knew you needed and you hugged him so tight and said ‘thank you’ over and over again because you really were 

you were so, so thankful 

and he carded his hands through your hair because namjoon had told him about you not having a good relationship with your dad and knew this was probably something that meant a lot to you. but he really was so, so proud of you because you had grown so much since being that little timid girl he had met months ago 

so you went home and played videogames with everyone and just had a good time so you wouldn’t get to stressed and later when you had finally managed to fall asleep, hobi would gush about your dance to the other members (without knowing you were going to be preforming it soon) and everyone was excited and wanted to see it too

but with hobi’s encouragement came more determination for you to work harder because you were going to amaze everyone if you had anything to say about it 

so you started to stay out late to the point where you would come back to the house when everyone else was sleeping and just be so tired that you would fall asleep on the couch, not even making it back to your room

and they would wake up and see you and look at you so fondly because they could see that you were working so hard and could see how badly you wanted everyone to succeed

and it would usually be jungkook who would pick you up and bring you back to your room so you could sleep just a little bit longer

they really were so proud of you 

and then it came to your comeback date and you were still so nervous but they’re presences made it better 

it was taehyung who came up to you then right before they were supposed to go onto the comeback stage and what he said would always stick with you, “no matter what happens out there, i, we, will always be there for you, no matter what. we will always be proud of you.” and you would tear up and the makeup unnie’s would get angry and push you back down in the makeup chair but they would have this gooey smile on their faces anyway

and your performance went perfectly 

it seemed like the audience was just as memorized as hoseok had been when you preformed your solo and army, thrown off by your presence, still accepted you because they could see the bond you had with the boys and how pure it was

and even though some didn’t agree, it was ok because seven other people where proud of you and that’s all you really needed

and then because of the amazing performance the eight of you go out to eat and you all joke and laugh and the food tastes amazing

and you think, this is what a family dinner must feel like 

and you almost cry again because this is all you really ever wanted, to be accepted, to be seen for your achievements instead of your flaws 

and you've only spent five months together but in those five months, you had grown so close to these people that showed you that you were more than what your father had told you, that you were amazing and perfect in your own way and they would never look down on you for your flaws

you could definitely get used to this 

so the next day taehyung took you out on a shopping spree because he wanted to spend time with you and you both basically wrecked havoc in a gucci store trying on everything you could 

and he wold tease you when you came out of the dressing room with a size that was way to big for you and you would taunt him back and bicker back and forth 

then you both went to the store and got ice cream for everyone and you all set up a fort in the living room and it was easily one of the best days of your life 

and after that the eight of you experienced things and created memories together and they showed you what real friends were, what real companionship and love felt like

and before you knew it, fathers day was in two days and you didn’t know what you were going to do, but you still felt like you should do something because father’s day is a day to celebrate the important males in your life

you had never felt like doing something like this when you lived with your actual father, and that spoke volumes to how close you had come to these boys

so on the saturday before the actual day, you tried to wake up as early as you could and get all the ingredients you needed

when you saw that you were missing eggs for the cake that you wanted to make for them, you tried to be as quick as possible so your hyungs wouldn’t be wondering where you went if they woke up 

it was the probably the fastest trip you had ever taken but it was all for naught when you walked back through the door 

you almost dropped your newly bought eggs when you heard a scream come from the living room and suddenly there were arms wrapping around you in a tight hug

“j-jimin?” was all you could squeak out before a barrage of voices tumbled over each other in efforts to scold you for leaving and not telling at least one of them, if not all of them 

“what were you thinking!? you scared me! you scared us!” jin said in your direction, where jimin was still wrapped around you 

“yah! we thought you left! or-or got kidnapped!” hoseok’s raised voice was one you decide you didn’t like 

once jimin let go, yoongi was quick to envelope you in a hug, “aish. i never wanna wake up to that kind of scare ever again.” 

once he pulled away you spotted taehyung and jungkook pouting with their arms crossed sitting on the couch, namjoon fixing you with a serious stare. “promise me you won’t do that again.” 

“promise us!” taehyung quickly added in and all you could do was nod because your head was still trying to process what just happened over the span of the last ten seconds

it wasn’t until your pinky was wrapped around jungkook’s in a pinky promise that the situation really set into your head and you lowered your head in shame and embarrassment, “i’m sorry.” 

jin sighed and ruffled his hair, “we were just worried. sorry for yelling y/n-ah,” and it warmed you with how protective they were over you and you looked up at him teasingly, “sorry eomma” and jin frowned while you and the maknae line snickered

it was when you got up to finally put the eggs away that jimin pulled you back down to sit beside him, hugging you again, “we worry about you because you’re our yodongseng, y/n-ah” and it was that one sentence that had you all smiley and giggly because that was the first time any of them had called you that, the first time anyone called you that and you were so happy 

because they saw you as their little sister and a bond like that was something you hadn’t felt before, and one you would never want to break

“thank you” you whispered as you got up and went to put the eggs away, the boys following after you 

“so why did you go to the store?” taehyung said as he looked at all the ingredients littered around the kitchen counters 

you gasped and remembered what you were doing and quickly turned around, “all of you, out! go away!” you yelled while physically pushing hoseok and yoongi out the kitchen door 

“wha- why?” namjoon got out before almost being pushed over and into a table by jungkook 

“surprise!” was all you yelled as you got all of them out of the kitchen but seokjin waited by the door. “hyung, what are you doing?” hoseok questioned. “just wait for it.” was all he said as he started counting down from five. and as he was just about to say one, you popped your head back through the door and shyly asked, “hey jin-hyung, can you help me with something?” and then he looked toward the others and smirked at their bewildered expressions. “i told you. she always asks for me when she needs help in the kitchen, and she always needs help.” you then hit him on the arm, “yah. i’m not that bad.”

then the both of you would enter the kitchen and you would try to explain that you needed to make a cake without really telling him you needed to bake one and it just led to a lot of confusion 

in the end you gave up and told him you needed to make one but you didn’t tell him what for, still trying to preserve a least a little bit of surprise

the both of you joked and laughed about useless things while mixing the eggs and milk and flour, making a cake from scratch and the others listened to your banter and smiled among themselves 

when the both of you settled down and put the cake in the oven, seokjin called your name, “y/n-ah,” and as soon as you turned around a wad of flour hit you in the face and jin’s windshield wiper laugh echoed out

but that was only the begging 

“this is war!” and then all of them came running into the kitchen and the flour that was supposed to hit jin, hit yoongi instead and you could’ve sworn you heard namjoon face plant at one point and then fifteen minutes later everyone was covered in flower and the kitchen was a mess

and you all found yourself sitting on the floor, waiting for when you had to take out the cake. and just being surrounded by all their presences, suddenly got you emotional 

“thank you” you said again, for the umpteenth time since you’ve known them. you took a deep breath, “i never got along with my father and-,” you sniffed and they waited for you to finish, jungkook nudging you with his shoulder and taehyung gently holding your hand, “and, all of this, the comfort and compassion you’ve shown me,” tears started to fall from your eyes and hoseok who was sitting across from you leaned over and wiped them off your face, “and i’m really grateful.” 

but before they could say anything to that, the oven went off and you took another deep breath and gathered your emotions, once again pushing them out of the kitchen so you could decorate the cake you would show them tomorrow

and while they were sitting in the living room together, waiting for you to finish, they all looked at each other and they could easily say that they would do anything for you because you really were their little sister and they cared about you so much

and while you decorated your cake for them, you thought that a giving them their surprise a day early couldn’t hurt (and you knew one of the maknae line would definitely come and sneak a bite of the treat in the middle of the night) 

so you walked out, flour caking your hair and clothes, holding the vanilla frosted cake that said ‘happy father’s day ‘ in purple, messy icing 

and oh my god they were so touched they could have cried (and some of them did)

and you stood in front of them, gathering your thoughts and as soon as you saw that jimin was about to say something, you started talking. “so, uh, originally i was going to give you all this tomorrow but i figured that it wouldn’t hurt to give it today. and father’s day is not only to celebrate fathers but to celebrate the important males in your life.” and there you go tearing up again, “and when i was younger, my mom left before i could really remember her, and my dad, he-” tears fell and you wiped them, “aish, i’m crying.” then you giggled and their hearts were simultaneously breaking and filling up at the same time. “he was never a father to me, so i never knew what it felt like to have one, to have a family. and it hurt everyday to think that no one in my family wanted me.” god you were a wreck and your words were coming out blurred now. “but then i came here-”

and before you could get out anymore there were seven pairs of arms wrapping themselves around you and your burrowed your head into the chest of nearest person (which happened to be yoongi) 

“that’s not true y/n” namjoon murmured and for a second you were confused because why would he say that about your situation? but then he continued, “we will always, always, want you in our lives. we are your family. and always will be.” and you were full on sobbing and so were they

and all you could get out was a sloppy, sobbed filled: “i love you” but they understood perfectly

“we love you too, y/n” and that was the single best moment in your life.

and then perhaps the next day you did anything they asked of you which led to the younger ones being scolded about how you weren’t their maid but then you would get up and get what they asked for anyway because this was their day

and the bickering, the love, and even the fights you would have sometimes, it would all be worth it in the end if it led you back to them 

[end]

end note: oh. my. god. i’m not crying, you are. the ending? when i was writing the flour scene? PLEASE I WAS SOBBING. this is one of the fics that i am most proud of and i really didn’t mean to make it this long, but here i am. i hope everyone has an amazing father’s day, and you get to celebrate it the way you want to! everyone reading this (and those who aren’t) deserve happiness, no matter who you are. and you are more then what people say about you. i love you guys to the moon and back, make sure you stay safe! (and as always, sorry for any spelling errors!)

~**~

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[sugar-petals]

TAROT › Baekhyun’s Personality Reading

↳ // CARO’S NOTE ⇁ Even if he’s so outgoing, I always felt Baekhyun was quite a mystery. So I asked the Tarot about his character: What drives him, what’s on his mind, what possibly shaped him. The cards ended up giving me a much deeper take than expected, but I decided to share it.

DISCLAIMER // tarot is speculative, there is no guarantee for accuracy. believing in the cards is a choice. all portrayals are for entertainment purposes only.

☞ decks used — rider-waite tarot + soul oracle cards

I. TAROT SPREAD

the cards: 3 OF SWORDS + 5 OF CUPS + 8 OF SWORDS

I’ll say this right off the bat, and I think you can tell by how these images look like. There’s something weighing heavy on him. All of these cards point towards an event of distress having taken place with the consequences being more present than ever. One shows the moment of heartbreak (3 OF SWORDS), the other a sentiment of loss (5 OF CUPS), the other a situation where you’re completely helpless and trapped (8 OF SWORDS). You can see a mourning theme going on, this is what impacted his character the most. Whether it’s a death of a beloved, trauma, break-up, abuse, disillusionment, there’s something that stays on his mind and determined much of who he is. Baekhyun is more  sentimental than we see him, nor is he as extroverted.

In fact, he broods very often and feels regret. Baekhyun is very much enclosed in his own shell. We see him as happy and bouncy with a lot of mischief and humor, yet the cards tell us how his personality is not built on positivity the way the world perceives it. He misses someone who is or was important to him and feels a lot of emotional (cups) and mental (swords) constriction. All of these cards are painted in either cloudy or dull grey, this is how his mind appears to him. Baekhyun feels unfree and burdened by a disappointment that was much more personal to him than he could handle, and he still can’t. If the Tarot were to describe his character in one word, it’d be preoccupied. Heavily so, with effects on his mental health and social life. It’s a state of being puppeteered by oneself but especially the outside, much like the way the outcast bound woman appears in the third image. This drives him to so much work ethic and humor, he is desperate to escape the condition.

See the three cards as a progression: He was hurt, felt the sadness of separation, and got stuck in the recovery without having moved on. In fact, he feels like he is going backwards every day, or nowhere essentially. He’s beating himself up for not being happy or okay. Baekhyun is currently stuck in paralysis on the inside and terrorized by a memory or chain of sorrowful events as the FIVE OF CUPS says. Someone behaved heartlessly toward him, whether it’s a bully, a bigot, or someone he had high hopes about, deliberately or not. It left a lot of bitterness and anguish, intrusive thoughts and victim mentality. He feels tossed around by the circumstances and entirely stuck. Loss of power is what I’m getting, and he’s not confident to get back what he lost or at least move on. A lot of the resulting loneliness has shaped him from the ground up.

Grief having five steps, Baekhyun went missing in stage three and never bargained or accepted. The THREE OF SWORDS appears when someone is gravely depressed about a dejection, the other two cards tell the same story. Whatever he feels bitter towards has not resolved and drives his every action. Or rather, re-action, at this point he doesn’t believe he can act on his own. He does things with a stance of hoplessness and doesn’t find fun in activities because he feels like he’s being toyed with. The EIGHT OF SWORDS on top of that points toward an instance of discrimination, censorship of character, and punishment to the point of getting ostracized (the swords on the card form a barrier). He has grown overcareful but feels like no matter what he does, he is controlled. Instead or rebelling or finding alternatives, he gave up and went along.

He also experiences physical pain that he feels defined by. The swords cards speak of both a piercing (the stabbed heart) and suffocating (the person in ropes) ache of some kind. Baekhyun is very tested by illness and/or discomfort. It’s giving him not just frustration, but a recurring test to his energy. Something has shattered his esteem and boundaries, severe enough for him to become paralyzed about it. Caged in the body is what I’m getting from the EIGHT OF SWORDS. His baggage is extreme. There’s nobody he can talk to about his problem and it isolates him. He’s become self-reliant that way, but it appears to him as if he is not going anywhere nor does he see his path (see the blindfold). Like this guy desperately needs a silver lining. In the FIVE OF CUPS, you can see the cloaked man crying over the three spilled chalices, but there are still two filled ones behind him, and there is a stream to get water from nearby. It’ll take an act of choosing for the man to turn around and see what good things he has and can get regardless of the heartbreak that happened. As concerning as the spread is, I think that moment will happen in Baekhyun’s life very soon.

II. ORACLE CARD SPREAD

the cards: FLOW (reverse) + STANDSTILL

Much like the three tarot cards, these oracles express the same sentiment. They’re both similar topics: First blocked flow and stagnation, then being passive rather than active. He’s on halt and lives with the breaks on. Baekhyun may appear as if he can steer anything to his favors and tag along in any situation, but his inner self is the opposite. He is much more observant and reserved, withdrawn. Talking a lot is unlike him. He’s not a born social creature, more like someone domestic who wants to retreat and sit. If he has to exit his bubble, he has to force himself. Reversed FLOW: There is coercion into unnaturalness. If he could, Baekhyun would go against convention 10 times out of 10. 

In absolute liberty, we would not see him live a standard life within the circumstances or ruling standards, whatever that may be. I think he would restructure what is classically considered as idol lifestyle to an extreme if he had the opportunity. I think what these cards want to say is that he is waiting for something in that regard. And that he is needing to heal, he knows he needs a time-out. The STANDSTILL card is all about a pause button and immersing oneself in a meditative state. His real self is hungry for silence and introspection and being left alone. All else does not come easy to him, he has to try hard and feels miserable if he has to exit his comfort zone which these cards say is strongly developed. 

Baekhyun uses his entire energy backups for his job. All of these cards are pointing at that he perpetually runs on low battery and works against himself in a way that makes him walk in circles, or even feel like he’s just standing there and everyone’s life is happening but not his. As in, he can’t put his passion into things he wants to pursue since he spends his vitality elsewhere. Baekhyun also feels as if his time is running out and he misses countless chances, that there is so much to do but he can’t compel himself to do anything. Yes, he has a lot of wishes, but not the means and mindset to deliberately create those instances where he can feel more fulfilled. Those are all heavy emotions, so I can see why the third tarot card and STANDSTILL conclude the spreads on the right, he feels very cornered and has become secretive. He will need more seclusion to sort things out on his own, peacefully, maybe in nature. This is something he can only sort out in his mind and fully resting.

--

© 2017-2020 submissive-bangtan. all rights reserved. reposts prohibited.

[ladyvean]

I was not about to take these out of the album, since I do believe they are the only copies I have left - but that’s 18 year old me, talking to Alan Rickman after seeing him perform Noel Coward’s play Private Lives.

He was unbelievably kind and sweet and gracious and I just can’t say enough good things about this man.  I gave him a portrait I had done of him.

Actually, it’s kind of an interesting story.  After graduation, my friend and I went to NYC for a weekend to see him in this play.  It was a limited run, having been standing room only in London for like 6 months or so, and as difficult as it was to get tickets, I was fucking determined.  So, don’t even ask me how, my friend and I managed to get forth row tickets and made our way to New York (neither of us wanted to leave, alas).  After the show, I couldn’t walk because I was so blown away by how good he was - my legs just wouldn’t cooperate.  The theatre had almost cleared out by the time we left and when we went outside, there was a crowd waiting around the stage door.  Of course, I knew this was pretty standard procedure and it had been my plan the whole time.  LOL.  I made my way towards the front of the crowd, my friend right behind me with a disposable camera.  The actors start trickling out and right when I thought we must have missed him while dallying in the theatre, Alan comes out... And he’s signing autographs and playbills for like 30 seconds and he goes to get in a car.  Well, he must have FELT my distress because out of the blue he turns back around, comes directly over to me, points to the portrait in my hand (which was rolled up) and says, “Is that for me then?”  And it was.  And I gave it to him and asked him for career advice, as it was my ambition to be an actress and director at the time.  He chatted with me for several minutes, gave me some advice, and was just all around lovely.  I didn’t ask for an autograph or a photo, but I did shake his hand.  My friend, fortunately, got a few snapshots while we were talking.  He got in the car without talking to anyone else.

I think we made it about half a block (heading back to the hotel) before I had to just lean against a building for five minutes, just breathing.  My friend was like, “don’t cry, don’t cry” and I didn’t, but I’ll never, ever forget it.

I can not tell you, I can’t find the words to express the enormous kindness of this man.  It wasn’t any one thing he did or said.  It was visceral.  It just came off of him in waves.

I often wonder if these artists, these influential people we admire so much, if they know just how significant an impact these small acts of kindness have on us?  Just a word, a smile - it stays with us.  It’s something we cherish.  I’m not talking about idolizing or obsessing about people, but when you truly admire a person’s gift or something they’ve accomplished, when you look to them and they reflect one of your own passions or goals... I’m not sure what exactly I’m trying to say, but I hope they understand.  I hope they know how much it means.

I cried a lot the day Alan Rickman died, which felt kind of strange considering he was just a stranger.  But I mourned the loss of such a magnificent talent, and such a genuinely kind person.  Someone I didn’t know, but who meant a great deal to me nonetheless.  It’s the only time I’ve gotten a tattoo on impulse - but I had to do it.  I owed him that.

[lonelypond]

New Year’s Surprise

I took a brief detour to finish an Idol Protection Program short I’ve had the start of written down for awhile. Enjoy! Love Live, NicoMaki, 2K

The usual disclaimer: Idol Nico and Doctor Maki have to change their names and move to escape their joint fame and the paparazzi to raise their two daughters in peace. So this means Dia and Ruby know, but NEVER tell anyone (Cocoro taught them well) and Dia’s Eli crush is even more embarrassing in person. Liberties taken, characters not mine, your mileage may vary, but enjoy ; )

Tokyo was bustling, Maki was grumbling. Umi watched as the notoriously temperamental redhead shoved through people, showing very little concern for her fellow pedestrians. Time for an intervention. Umi grabbed her friend’s arm and swung her into the nearest cafe, “We are taking a break, Maki. Someone’s going to recognize you at this rate and the crowds will get worse.”

Maki tipped back her ballcap and removed her shades once Umi sat her at a table in a quiet corner. No matter how often Nico insisted and packed them for her, Maki refused to wear a mask. Or not laugh at her wife when Nico was in full on disguise mode, which Maki thought only made her stand out more. And look ridiculous. Maki had gotten Nico to stop suggesting the trench coat as a clothing option for her, by threatening to wear it out with nothing underneath the next time Nico mentioned it, while modelling the effect. Neither had left the bedroom that day.

“What’s up?” Umi put down one coffee for Maki and a mocha for herself.

“Nico sends me off to Tokyo, when I want to stay home with her and Dia, with a list from Kotori I am not to deviate from and orders to drain my trust, if I have to.” Maki sighed, “And her rationale is “no one says no to a pregnant woman.” I don’t remember her believing that when I was.”

Umi snorted.

“What?” Maki glared.

“Really. Did you think getting a visit from one of us nearly every day while Nico was touring was a coincidence? She learned to work a spreadsheet to organize the “Maki-chan’s a Baby” schedule.”

Maki huffed “I…I…I was not.”

“She enforced the schedule ruthlessly. Text reminders and follow up calls. And we all had to keep telling her how miserable you were because you wouldn’t.” Umi sipped her mocha, watching her friend react.

Maki fidgeted with her coffee, “I didn’t want Nico to feel guilty.” A sigh, “I don’t know what I would have done if her visa hadn’t been denied.”

Umi choked on her mocha.

“What?”

“Is that what she told you?” Umi smiled, reminded of Nico’s truth stretching tendencies, “I always wondered.”

“Wondered what?” Maki was instantly suspicious.

“Nothing.” Umi swigged her mocha, “Drink your coffee. We’re nearly at the first stop on Kotori’s list.

“Umi.” Maki growled.

Umi swirled the liquid in the bottom of her cup, thoughtful, “Nico cancelled the second half of that tour. She paid everyone out of pocket. I think your mother might have loaned her some of the money.”

Maki crushed her cup, a mistake as liquid went splashing over the top, soaking her driving gloves, “Nico never said anything, Mama never…” Tears started in Maki’s eyes.

“Are you only just now realizing how much your wife actually cares about you?” Umi was bemused, especially at the blush Maki could never control.

“N…no. I know that. She shouldn’t have lied…” Maki peeled off her gloves and chugged the remnants of coffee.

Umi shrugged. “It’s Nico. Nico always does what Nico thinks is best. You know that.”

Maki started shredding her empty cup. This was setting a record for coffee shop meltdown, Umi realized. Maki wasn’t making eye contact and her voice was soft, “I’m worried about Nico. I hate leaving her.”

“Kotori and Honoka can handle anything. And isn’t Cotarou there to help with Dia?” Umi reached behind her for her jacket.

Maki continued to tear her cup into even smaller pieces, ”Well, yes, but Nico’s been in such a ….”

“Maki,” Umi took her friend by the shoulders, her voice firm, “We are buying everything on Kotori’s list, then we are meeting Eli, Nozomi, Rin and Hanayo for dinner. You need a night off. Your family is fine. Call to check on Nico and Dia later.”

Talk over dinner had turned to various pregnancy stories, starting with Eli’s fainting when the doctor told them Nozomi was having twins. And Rin’s continuous state of low level panic until the first time Tora kicked inside her. And then, they got to the night Dia was born. Maki had refused to drink anything in case she had to rush to Nico’s side, but Nozomi had indulged in a good bit of wine and was in ‘push Maki’s buttons’ mode. Eli, of course, still being Eli, just gazed adoringly at her wife as Nozomi teased and Maki got more and more flustered.

“I remember you begging Nico to do the New Year’s Eve Charity concert, so she wouldn’t stop loving you because you being near delivery was stopping her from performing for her favorite event.” Nozomi pointed at Maki.

“Did not happen.” Maki stated slowly, almost wishing she could have a whiskey, but the thought of Nico potentially in distress pushed that away.

Rin giggled. Hanayo just shook her head at her friend.

Maki continued, voice firm. “It didn’t. I just thought it would be a shame if Nico-chan missed a show she’d done for the past 6 years. Dia wasn’t due for three weeks. And I felt fine.”

“So fine,” Rin almost bounced her head off the table as the laughing fit took her over, but Hanayo held her back, “So fine, you were on the phone to me during the rehearsal livestream, crying about how many dancers were throwing themselves at Nico and how little clothing they were wearing and how Nico would forget you because you were so…”

“Shut it, Rin.” Maki snarled and chopped the ginger’s head.

“And then you convinced Honoka to take you to the concert.” Umi shook her head at the memory.

“You were there too,” Eli pointed out.

“We all know that if Honoka-chan or Kotori-chan wants to do something, Umi-chan can’t say no. When are you having the next μ’s baby, Umi-chan?” Nozomi leered as Umi tried to look indignant but could only blush as Nozomi continued, “Kotori-chan says it might be soon.”

“Nozomi!” Umi shouted as Rin jumped up and cheered, drawing the stares of the crowd at the bar.

Maki wondered if sneaking out of the restaurant now under the pretext of needing to use the restroom would work, but a hand clamped on her forearm stopped Maki’s exit as Nozomi continued to loudly tell the story.

“So there you were, waddling backstage, glaring at dancers, with Nico-chi onstage singing “All I Want For Christmas Is You” when the show suddenly stops because because Umi has her stage manager tell Nico-chi through her headset that you insisted on being backstage.”

“I was there, Nozomi. I remember.” Maki groaned, “Please stop.”

Nozomi threw her arm around Maki’s shoulders, “I could see this part from the seat Nico had given me, you in the wings of the stage, suddenly collapsing because your water broke and you had no idea what was happening, Nico hearing you cry out “Nico-chan” as she turned to see where you were and then sprinting off stage, talking a mile a minute with her stage manager on the headset, kneeling down to help you up, whispering something in Honoka’s ear and then Honoka pushed Umi onstage. The audience had no idea what was going on.”

“Neither did I,” Maki muttered, still embarrassed by the situation she’d gotten herself into. But as much as Nozomi had teased her over the years about that night, Nico never had.

“It had been years since I’d sang in public.” Umi grumped, “But neither Honoka or Nico would listen.”

“I thought Honoka did remarkably well with Eli’s part of Storm-In Lover.” Nozomi smiled, “And then Kotori joined them and the original μ’s members had a reunion concert.”

“While Nico got Maki-chan into a helicopter she’d had Maki-chan’s mom send and Maki had Dia just after midnight at the hospital. Good job, Maki-chan.” Rin hugged her best friend and Maki leaned into it a little. Her pregnancy had overlapped Rin’s and their experiences had brought the two friends even closer. But not as close as Dia’s birth had brought Maki to Nico. Maki still remembered it vividly. Nico so worried, holding Maki’s hand so tightly starting when they loaded Maki into the helicopter, Nico hadn’t even bothered to change out of her sweaty costume, although someone had tossed her a jacket. Maki could feel Nico shivering, but so much was happening and Maki had focused on pushing through the pain of contractions. And then there was Dia, wrapped up and being handed to Nico and Maki heard a sniffle from her wife.

“Nico-chan? Is something wrong?” Maki felt weak, but Nico’s cry triggered an adrenalin rush and she tried to sit up.

Nico shook her head and brought the baby over to Maki, handling their firstborn so gently, so tenderly, with so much love, her ruby eyes full of pride and wonder, and perhaps, Maki realized, a bit of terror.

“N…no.” Nico’s smile was brighter than Maki had ever seen it, her hand lovingly stroking Maki’s cheek, “I just have two of you to take care of now. You did so well, Maki-chan. I love you.” Nico leaned down to kiss Maki on the forehead as Maki looked down at their daughter, dark hair like Nico’s and light, bright eyes.

Suddenly waking from her reverie, Maki realized she needed to see both wife and daughter as soon possible, “I have to go.”

“Wait, Maki, we’re not done talking.” Nozomi tried to pull Maki back in her seat.

“I am.” The redhead smiled at her friend, “I have a pregnant wife who’s probably craving something I can pick up on the way home.”

Eli grinned and gave Maki a thumbs up, pulling Nozomi into a distracting hug.

Umi stood, “I’ll drive.”

“You go too slow, Umi.” Rin tapped the dark haired woman’s arm, “Maki wants to be home before dawn.”

“Maki wants to be home in one piece.” Umi countered. Maki walked out ahead of Umi, waving goodbye to everyone. Maki loved her friends, but she’d had enough Tokyo for awhile. She didn’t think she would ever have enough Nico.

Nico had piled every blanket in the house on top of her, but she still wasn’t warm enough. Why had she forced Maki to go to Tokyo? Because she was worried Maki would get bored with redecorating the nursery? Because Nico felt grumpy and out of sorts and was worried Maki would get exasperated with her mood swings? Because someone should have fun? Nico couldn’t remember the reason but she regretted it now, alone in their bed, cold and uncomfortable. And then the door to their bedroom slid open and a familiar voice whispered “Nico-chan?”

Nico sat up, “Maki! You’re supposed to be in Tokyo having fun.”

Maki dropped her jacket on the floor and threw herself into the bed, next to Nico, wrapping the other woman into a nearly suffocating hug, “It’s not fun without Nico.”

Nico enjoyed the warmth until she realized she was having trouble breathing. There was also the baby to think of, “Maki-chan, Nico can’t breathe.”

Maki didn’t let Nico go, but she did lift the still smaller woman into her lap, adjusting her embrace and the blankets so that Nico was cozy in a nest, cuddled against Maki’s chest. Ruby kicked a little under her hand and Maki was again amazed at the feel of having Nico and their child in her arms, at the tenderness and love flowing through Nico. Nico snuggled, her head on Maki’s shoulder, “You’re so warm. We missed you.”

“I missed you, Nico-chan.” And as Nico started to fall asleep again, Maki promised herself that when Nico got close to her due date, Maki would be there every minute. She knew far far too well how frantic pregnancy could make you and a distressed, pregnant Nico wandering anywhere, hysterical and in search of her was terrifying to contemplate. She needed to think about calmer things. After all, soon Maki would have three people to take care of. She couldn’t wait.

[kpop--fics]

Soulmate!MJ

[Soulmate AU: The eye colours of everyone around you are all the same, dull and grey. Except for the eyes of your soulmate, they have all the colours.]

Word count: 1.727

---

You were getting annoyed a bit, and your roommates noticed this too.

“All this cheesy stuff… why do people always say they love the eyes the most in a person? They’re all grey, what the difference?” You sulked from behind your laptop on the couch.

“Calm down Satan.” Your older roomie said, chuckling. “Hey, do you find this amusing or something?” You asked him, not finding his behaviour funny one bit.

“Well, you are always salty about this, so it’s kind of funny, yes.” Your other roommate replied. Grumbling, you went back to watching your movie quietly. It’s not like those boring and dull eyes were that special…

A few days later, you found yourself in front of the television, watching your roomie’s favourite drama together. “What is it about this time?” You asked her, not really paying attention at all. “It’s about this guy and his brother, and they both love the same girl. Now shush, I want to watch!”

Sighing, your eyes went back to the screen. What was so interesting about that? “It’s obvious this guy is just a playboy.” You said, still watching this show somehow.

Finally, the female returned home. Only to be met with another character, who you guessed was the younger brother. From behind, he didn’t look that bad at all, really.

The female noticed his presence, and turned around. Upon seeing him from the front, your eyes went wide. “Stop!” You yelled, almost making your roommate deaf. “What’s wrong with you? You are aware I am literally sitting only one pillow away from you?” She scolded, not in the mood for another one of those snarky comments on the drama.

“Who… who is that? The less tall guy?” You asked, which seemed to spark her interests. “I’m guessing you want his real name? Kim Myungjun. He’s in a band I think. Why?” She questioned, but you had already grabbed your laptop and typed his name on Google.

When you clicked on pictures, it confirmed what you had seen. “So I wasn’t wrong after all…” You muttered, not aware your roommate was still in the dark. “What’s so special about him? I’ve never seen you care about an idol this much.”

“I thought I was going crazy, but upon seeing his pictures, I’m sure. His eyes… have colour.”

Somehow, you had found yourself waiting for tickets for Astro. After all, that was the band in which Myungjun was. And today was the day they would go in sale.

“Y/n, how much times did I tell you not to hover in front of your laptop like that, it’s so bad for your back and –“ “SHHH! I’m trying to buy tickets here!” You quickly shushed her so you could fully focus on getting your tickets.

“YES!” You screamed not long after, having received a noticed that the payment was accepted. “So… do you fancy going to a concert soon?” You asked her with a smirk.

Not long after the whole ticket escapade, you found yourself in a taxi, on your way to the concert venue. Not able to sit still, you nudged your roommate continuously. Maybe it was because you were nervous, or maybe because you were excited to see Myungjun, you didn’t know.

“Listen, Y/n… I get that you’re excited and all, but what are your plans?” She suddenly asked you, leaving you speechless. You didn’t think about that. At all.

Seeing you in distress, she quickly switched her tone. “Well, I’m sure everything would be fine! After all, the universe has it ways to get things right!” She tried to cheer you up, but nonetheless, you were still stuck on what she just had said.

“What if he doesn’t see me?” You questioned, your excited behaviour gone and completely replaced by one of worry and doubt. “Y/n. Enjoy the concert for now, we’ll worry about the soulmate matters later on, okay?”

And that’s what you did. The band was really good and spread a happy vibe throughout the whole venue which left you screaming and singing along the lyrics. In short, you had a great time going there.

“Well, that was amazing!” You cheered, fully satisfied. Your company chuckled at your enthusiastic response. “Of course! But besides that, are you ready? The real difficult things still need to come, after all.” She shrugged like it was nothing.

“Wait a second. You… There is something you didn’t tell me, isn’t there?!” When you got no response but a smirk from her, you knew you were right. “You sneaky kid! What is it?” You urged, wanting to know why you had been kept in the dark.

“Let’s just say… the fun is not quite over!” She yelled, and ran off in the direction of the stairs, leading down to another part of the building you were in.

“Hey! Come back here!” You screamed after her, ignoring all the stares you two were getting from the people you passed by.

Suddenly, she came to a halt, which caused you bumping into her. “Hey, why are you stopping so sudden-“

You couldn’t quite finish your sentence, because what you saw baffled you. You two were currently standing in the line for the fan sign. “Oh god do you know what this means? He will see my eyes!” You cried out, not ready for confrontation yet.

“Relax, it’s not like you will die or anything.” She deadpanned, and continued to stay calm, which was something you absolutely couldn’t manage to do.

It wasn’t that much waiting time, so you were hurriedly thinking about what you had to say to Myungjun. Luckily, he was at the end of all the boys, so you wouldn’t hold up the line that bad. “What… what if he doesn’t see it too?” You said out of nowhere, almost giving your roommate a small heart attack.

“God, Y/n, can you tone down your stress a bit? It’s gonna be fine woman!” She scolded you, having had enough of your jittery behaviour. “Sheesh, okay then.” You pouted, looking at the remaining line. There were about ten people in front of you, and then you would arrive at the first member, Eunwoo.

Time went by really slow, much to your irritation. If I am going to do this anyways, why can’t we just get it over with? You mentally grumbled, not paying attention what that did to your face.

“Hey, you should be happy! What’s up?” Eunwoo asked you. Apparently, you were next in line and your expression hadn’t exactly been… nice.

“Oh I’m so sorry! I was just… stressing about future events, nothing to worry about!” You said with the best smile you could manage. Eunwoo looked at you suspiciously for a bit, but shrugged it off not much later. You let out a sigh of relief.

Fortunately, no other member noticed your weird stance after that. They were all being very nice, and gave you the brightest smiles you had ever received from idols.

You were looking at MJ a few times while waiting, and once you were standing in front of Jinjin, MJ stared back to your surprise. His mouth fell open immediately. If it wasn’t for the other fan waving in front of his face, you think he wouldn’t have let you out of your gaze, that’s how intense his stare looked.

The line progressed a bit again and now you were in front of Rocky, just one member away before you got to Myungjun. Quickly, you glanced right, where your roommate was currently talking to MJ. She looked at you and sent you a small smirk, knowing what was about to happen not long after that.

The line shoved again, and you were forced to sit in front of Myungjun now. “You…” Was all he was able to utter, which caused you to giggle a bit. “You see it too?” You questioned, almost sure you were right after seeing his expression  change.

“You mean the colour in your eyes? Then yes, it’s really pretty.” He tried to say while regaining his composure. "What?!” Rocky almost screamed into both of your ears. “Calm down, screaming isn’t going to help now.” MJ said, and you were surprised he could handle this situation this well. Wasn’t this the hyper boy of the group? Then again, he might have been preparing what to say when you were still stuck in the line.

Now all of Astro was looking in your direction, not forgetting the thousands of fans standing in line, gazing at you with their eyes wide and mouths hanging open. Honestly, it was a pretty funny sight.

Bursting into laughter, you turned to Myungjun again. “I’ll be waiting in the back. See you!” You said, not wanting to keep the line stuck any longer.

Not much time had passed until you saw the boys slip in the room from the door that connected it to the stage they were signing on just now. They all gave you quick stares and glances, but were too awestruck to actually manage to say anything to you.

And at last, there was MJ, closing the door behind him. While he had his back turned towards you, you saw the chance to sneak up to him. He turned around once again, and was directly met with your sparkling eyes. “Whoa!” He let out a cry with a mix of fear and amazement.

Chuckling, you took a few steps away from him and admired his face, especially his eyes.

“Are you two actually going to say anything to each other, or will you keep standing there like two lazy animals?” Rocky screamed from across the room, making you both blush.

“I guess I haven’t properly introduced myself yet… I’m Y/n, nice to meet you.” You held out your hand for him to shake it. When he did, it just felt… right. His warm hand enveloping yours, his stare fixated on your face, everything.

“Cat got your tongue?” You teased him while you got more confidence. “Um, n-no… Nice to m-meet you too! You can call me Myungjun!” He awkwardly replied, still not able to look away from your eyes.

“Let’s leave the little lovebirds here alone.” Sanha chuckled and left the room, the other members soon following.

“I take it back. Eyes are indeed very beautiful.” You said, staring deep into Myungjun’s ones.

[btextswriting]

CHASE {part 2 of MY OWN EYES}

So, you ended it with her, hyung? Yoongi didn’t even look up from his phone as Jin climbed into the car.

Yea. Good riddance. Jin said coldly. This made Yoongi look up. Jin could do a lot of things, but he was never cruel. However, as he looked over at his elder, he saw a fire in his eyes that was had never been lit before.

Hyung, are you okay? You sure you want to be doing an interview right now? Yoongi questioned, but Jin simply looked forward. You climbed into the passenger seat and the manager looked at you with his eyebrows raised. You shrugged. Being a coordinator was hard enough, not adding in the fact that the members were all in and out of relationships. But you truly felt sorry for Jin, it’s never easy to see your significant other cheat on you. You thought back on your own experience with that and thought about turning around to comfort the eldest member, but you decided against it as the manager quickly made his way through traffic.

You scrambled out of the car and walked up to Yoongi.

The segment is with you and Jin as MCs, oppa. Is there anything you would like me to get you before the show? Here are your cue cards. You handed the paper to Yoongi and he pulled your hand a little.

Can you check up on Jin, maybe try to convince him to let Namjoon be the MC today? Yoongi plead with his eyes as you looked over your shoulder at the eldest member of BTS. You could easily see the struggle as he tried to smile and bow at people as they passed. He was floundering. You looked back at Yoongi and nodded.

I can try, oppa. But I can’t make promises. Yoongi smiled and let go of your hand.

I knew I could trust you, Y/N! He exclaimed. Yoongi usually wasn’t this energetic, but the two of you had gotten pretty close since you started working with BigHit. To be honest, you were close to the entire group, they treated you like a sibling and you liked it that way. There were strict rules against relationships with the idols, not that you saw yourself as good enough for the idols. You were normal compared to them.

Walking over to Jin, you heard him mumbling.

You got this. It’s fine. She wasn’t worth your time. He was trying to give himself a pep talk, but you could sense that he was under more distress than you thought.

Jin oppa? You tried to get his attention, but he continued to talk to himself. Lightly tapping him on the shoulder, he visibly jumped.

Aigo! He exclaimed and clutched the fabric surrounding his heart. Turning around, he saw it was you and visibly relaxed. Hey, Y/N, you scared me. He sighed and you giggled a little. It was cute to see him so flustered.

Oppa, I think it’s best if you let Namjoon take tonight’s gig. You said confidently and Jin’s eyes saddened. He looked at you, like you had just kicked a puppy. You felt horrible, but you knew he would completely fail. Don’t look at me like that. You said sternly, wagging your finger at him. Jin sighed, his shoulders slumped and he handed you the notecards.

Fine, just let Namjoon do it. He walked away from you, almost running into other coordinators as they bowed and stepped out of his way. You gave the notecards to another coordinator and told her to give them to Namjoon, then you followed Jin.

Yoongi and Namjoon were making their way out on stage and Jin sat alone in the backroom. He sat on the couch and rested his head back. When he didn’t have work to think about, thoughts of his breakup flooded to the forefront of his mind. He felt his eyes well up with tears and couldn’t get the image of his girlfriend kissing another man out of his head. He reached in his pocket and felt the ring box, with that, another few tears made their way down his cheek.

You looked into the room and saw Jin crying. Your heart broke and you cautiously walked into the room.

Oppa? You asked and Jin shot up. Wiping his face he looked at you.

Yes, what’s wrong? He continued to try and put on a front. You lifted up your car keys and gave a small smile.

I thought I would drive you back to the dorm. You told him and he nodded, looking down at the ground. He stood up and dusted off his shirt, then grabbed his jacket and looked at you. You could see the red and puffiness that surrounded his eyes and you wanted to hug him, but that wouldn’t be appropriate. Okay, let’s go. You said to him and he followed you.

The two of you were in the silent car. You looked at the rearview mirror and saw a black SUV following you. Usually things like that didn’t bother you, but a feeling rose up in your stomach. You looked at Jin, he was looking out the window, his mind in another place. You don’t know why, but you thought that if you went to the dorm, something could happen to him.

Ah shit! You exclaimed as you put on a bit of a show. Jin looked over from the window at you with some concern. I forgot I need something from my apartment, or the boss will be pissed. Oppa, do you mind if we go there really quick? You plead with Jin and he shrugged. The innocent look on his face told you that you had done a good job with faking it.

Sure, Y/N, I wouldn’t want you getting in trouble. He said and looked back out the window. You turned abruptly at the stoplight and the black SUV followed.

Shit. You mumbled under your breath, but Jin seemed to notice the car behind you. Sitting up a bit straighter, he turned to you.

Drive faster. He told you and you floored it. The black SUV chased, but there was a truck that cut it off. You turned again so that the car lost you and made your way to your apartment.

Holy shit, who the fuck is that?! You looked at Jin and he looked at your building.

Inside. He responded and you looked at him in disbelief. Jin began walking into the building and you followed closely behind.

Jin wanted to punch a wall as he made his way to your apartment. He knew that she was crazy, but seriously, this crazy? He thought she was better than this. As you unlocked the door, Jin walked in and you locked the door behind you.

Jin turned to you as you were about to scream at him.

Sit down. I’ll start from the beginning. He said and you looked into his very angry eyes. Sitting down, you weren’t prepared for what you were about to hear.

[winnwinn-moved]

miss you

taeyong - angst -2264

you never expected dating an idol to be easy. going into this whole adventure, you knew that things were going to be… different. but the pros outweigh the cons, you’ve decided, and you’re not going to let your relationship with taeyong  be destroyed over some difficulties. things aren’t as bad as they could be, honestly. he is still just a rookie, which means that most of his time is spent in the studio, either practicing vocals or recording. sure that can take hour upon hour, but at least you get to see him every night before you drift off to sleep. you’ve heard the horror stories about other idols who were forbidden to date and punished if they broke that golden rule, and so you’re more than glad that you and taeyong can continue your relationship in peace. yes, it’s a secret from the public, but that’s not important to you. what matters is that you have taeyong, and nothing will separate you two from each other.

    it’s late, too late for you to be awake. yet here you sit, legs curled up underneath you, huddled in a large blanket on the couch in your living room. taeyong had texted you earlier in the day, mentioning that he would drop by your place for a few minutes. with a comeback, taeyong and you had less time than usual with each other. he’s always being dragged this way and that,  between live shows, stages, and interviews, you’ve hardly had the time to hang out with your boyfriend. so when he had offered to drop by, you were adamant on doing whatever it takes to be able to see him for some precious alone time.

    but it’s past midnight now, and your eyelids are sagging. you yawn, stretching your arms above your head in a pathetic attempt to stay awake. you close your eyes. it’ll only be a few seconds… your head drops to your chest and you startle yourself awake. you blink a few times, then  rub your eyes. taeyong promised he would be here before twelve… you don’t blame him for being late, but at the same time, you’re exhausted, and you want to sleep. you start to shake your foot. maybe he’s just, just-

    the front door knob twists, jolting you to attention. springing up, you race to grab something to defend yourself, though only manage to grab the spoon sticking out of the icecream tub. you hold it in front of yourself defensively, eyes narrowing. whoever it is, you’ll be able to take them. hopefully. maybe. probably not.

    slowly, the door swings open. your breath hitches in your throat, but a sigh of relief soon escapes your lips. taeyong gives a tiny wave and slips into your apartment. he shuts the door behind him, careful to make sure and lock it after he does. unable to restrain yourself, you hurry over to him, capturing him a tight hug before the two of you can even exchange words. taeyong wraps his arms around you, burying his face in the crook of your neck and exhaling slowly. neither of you speak, but neither of you have to. the silence is calming, peaceful, natural.

    when taeyong finally looks up at you, you notice just how dark the bags under his eyes are. you frown, gently thumbing over the skin. he laughs under his breath, then looks down, avoiding your concerned gaze. you shake your head.

    “you look like a panda…” you laugh, smiling slightly.

    “i don’t know if that should be taken as a compliment or an insult.” he leans down and kisses your nose.

    “compliment. because it’s you.” you tease.

    you take his hand in your own, dragging him back over to the couch. you plop down, then expectantly wait for him to do the same. taeyong yawns loudly. he takes a seat beside you, yawning once again. he gives you the puppy eyes, and a pitiful frown. your eyebrows furrow but then you realize what he wants, and you roll your eyes. a smile tugs at your lips though. you motion him over, and taeyong immediately rests his head in your lap.

    “you don’t need to ask, you know.”  you laugh.

    taeyong pulls the blanket over himself, curling his legs up to his chest. he closes his eyes and sigh, giving a tiny nod. you tangle your fingers in his hair, absentmindedly playing with it. taeyong smiles softly. that’s what’s important. even if taeyong is too tired to speak, you’re content that he is here with you now. it’s the time together that counts. you know taeyong must be exhausted, so the fact that he even bothered to visit you makes your heart flutter. you smile and lean down to kiss his forehead.

“good night…” you whisper.

for the next week, the routine is the same. taeyong spends his entire day down at practice, and around midnight, he’ll come over and spend the night with you. this results in late-night ramblings about hopes and dreams, shy kisses, and binge-watching horror movies. usually though, taeyong hardly has the energy to stay awake for more than five minutes, and most of your time is spent snoozing on the couch.

but as of recently, taeyong seems distant. you assume it’s because of his schedule, yet something about his silence makes you feel uneasy. it’s not like taeyong to ignore you good morning sunshine texts, and it’s not like taeyong to forget to update you about this day. at first you thought maybe he was having a rough day, but this kind of behavior has slowly started to become the norm. and every single time you’ve tried to bring it up, taeyong has changed the subject. then again, it’s not like you ever see him enough to talk about it in depth anyhow.

the thing that bothers you the most about the situation is the fact that taeyong doesn’t seem to trust you with what is happening. whatever that might be. you give him the benefit of the doubt, and assume that maybe he’s just busy or something; all you ask is that he would talk to you about whatever is going on. never before in your relationship has taeyong hidden something from you, and you find yourself beginning to question what went wrong.

you swirl your spoon around in your hot chocolate. taeyong promised that he would show up tonight. and taeyong never goes back on his promises. these late night meetings used to be endearing, but now, a heavy weight settles at the pit of your stomach. you sigh loudly, taking a sip from your mug. a matching one rests on your coffee table; it’ll be cold before taeyong even gets here. you try to keep yourself composed, but the silence allows for betraying thoughts to slip into your mind, whispering lies into your ears. you shake your head, but the negative thoughts linger, causing you to panic.

“he’s going to come.” you remind yourself, pinching the skin of your hand. “taeyong wouldn’t lie to me like that…”

you glance over at the clock on the wall, heart dropping in your stomach. it’s only minutes to midnight. the only message you’ve received from taeyong today was the ominous “we’ll talk later tonight”, which hardly set your heart at ease. it seems like the hours are dragging on, the tick-tocking of the clock mocking your pain. you set your mug down then hug your arms to your chest.

    “everything will be just fine.” you murmur.

    but something in the back of your head tells you everything will not be fine. you try to shake the impending feeling off, but it continues to distress you. you bite down on your bottom lip, hard, trying your best to stop tears from pooling at the corners of your eyes. everything will be fine between you and taeyong. there isn’t anything to worry about… right?

    “right.”

    you reach for your hot chocolate, needing a sudden comfort from your feelings. you’re so absorbed in trying to calm yourself down, you fail to realize the door opening.

    taeyong takes a deep breath. he promised himself that he wouldn’t cry. but as soon as he sees you, his heart shatters into pieces. slowly, he shuts the door behind him. this reminds him too much of your happy times, of the times where the two of you had no cares in the world. of the times where he would sing you to sleep, and the times where you would reminisce of your favorite memories together.

    but dating an idol is hard. and dating an idol offers a different set of obstacles compared to what normal couples have to face. taeyong used to think he was invincible to the destruction being an idol often wreaked on love, but now, he is experiencing the horror first hand.

    his body shakes. he swallows the lump in his throat, then coughs, desperately seeking your attention. he doesn’t have much time… when you look up, he gives a small wave and nod of the head. you must be furious with him. more than furious probably. you deserve an explanation, and taeyong never wanted it to happen like this, yet here he finds himself, unable to change his fate. you begin to push yourself off the couch, but taeyong shakes his head. you nod a bit, sitting yourself back down. without a word, he comes and takes the spot beside you. neither of you make eye-contact, and neither of you bother to speak for the first few moments. you don’t need him to tell you that something is wrong. the way you feel his body tremble beside you is a dead giveaway.

    his eyes seem glassy, and his lips are pulled into a tight frown. his shoulders are tensed up, and his jaw set, and you wonder just how bad the day has been to get him so obviously perturbed. you rest your hand atop his, though this doesn’t seem to calm him at all. instead, he turns his face from you, hanging his head low. finally, after what seems like hours, he leans against the back of the couch, running his hands through his bangs and heaving a loud sigh. you feel frozen, stuck, unable to do or say anything that could make the situation better.

“i’m so sorry…” he breathes, and it’s so faint, you almost can’t hear him at first. “it’s all my fault…”

“taeyong, what do you mean?” you try your best to stay calm, but your voice begins to crack. “please, don’t keep secrets from me!”

for the first time in the night, taeyong faces you, and only now do you notice the tears running down his face. he pulls you into his arms, tightly hugging you to his chest. you’re already crying before he has the chance to explain himself, and soon you both are a complete mess.

it feels as if taeyong is slipping through your fingers, and you start to realize that he must be, or else you wouldn’t be here, sobbing in the middle of the night over something that hasn’t even been made clear to you. the feeling of dread is too loud to ignore now, and you realize that something bad is going to happen- no, something awful already has. what’s worse- not knowing what has happened, or knowing fully well that there is nothing that you can do to change it?

taeyong finally composes himself, pulls away from you long enough to stare down at you with such a love previously unknown to you. he takes your hands in his, and gives them a tight squeeze. this is supposed to reassure you, however it only makes you feel worse. you swallow the fear in your throat and put on a brave face for him, for yourself, for the both of you.

“i don’t have much time, so please… please just listen.” he begins. “management brought us in today, and they told us… they told us they’re introducing a dating ban.”

your eyes shut, and you bite your lip to stop a string of curses from escaping your lips. you can hear taeyong sigh, and you can hear him mumble something incoherent, but you are too shocked to decipher his words. he rubs the skin on the back of your hand, brushes the hair from your eyes, but his touch seems like poison to your skin. the harsh reality of his words begin to sink in, and you’re unsure of whether you want to scream or cry again. one simple phrase has ended your relationship, the one thing in your life that you could count on. one simple phrase has torn you away from your boyfriend. and one simple phrase has ruined your life.

taeyong continues. “i’m willing to keep us a se-”

“you’ll lose your job for a scandal like that.” you hiss, the tears threatening to spill from your eyes once more. “don’t you dare give up your dream for me.”

“but you are my dream, i swear, we can-”

“taeyong, you are not giving up your dream for me.” you repeat, icy edge tone to your voice. “dating bans… dating bans end eventually. and in that time, i’ll wait for you. i’ll wait for you taeyong, i promise you that. i’ll wait every single day it takes to be back in your arms.”

taeyong nods; there is nothing else he can do. you mimic the gesture. but soon, pretenses are shaken off, and you collapse in his arms, weeping about what will happen to your love.

[404fmdtaejin]

 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧 ; 𝐚 𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲

summary: taejin’s got a personality that many people think they have figured out. in reality, rarely people pick up on his knack to inflict pain through words and his facade of putting on a fun show. basically, taejin is almost a walking sociopath but secretly he has a really really good heart but he has yet to show the world

WC: 1024

From a young age, the male knew he was treated differently than his fellow peers. People would coddle him, schmooze, and try in any way shape or form to become his friend after finding out who his parents were. He picked up on this at a very early age, of course, his childhood was different than that of any other adolescent. He picked up on it and used it to his advantage, making himself the envy of all those around him.

He’d toss money around like it was nobody’s business, often times chastizing those who did not kiss the ground he walked upon. This sort of status was a stronghold of power, allowing him to pry on the inferior. He played a fun show - a game of pretend, all of which was wrapped up in his ability to present himself to be superior - be better than everyone around him.

He didn’t feel bad for anything he did. In fact, he liked prancing upon those below him, belittling them every chance he got. After all, they weren’t truly there because they enjoyed his dazzling company. They were in there for their own advantage, to climb up the ladder and possibly cash in on his family’s money.

This continued to his idol days, where he earned the status of BC’s golden boy. He was the exemplary model of an idol - giving the same mundane answers that every fan would want to hear. He’d smile and pretend to enjoy gracing the stage, making a show of what a good time he was feigning.

During his time in BC, he knew that he had to play his cards right to be in the good graces of the superiors. He acted like their little puppet, jumping around and barking at every beck and call. It paid off because it got him the accolades of being an idol and allowed him to embark on his acting career.

To those in the industry, he’s often ruthless berating those he feels unworthy. He knows exactly what makes people tick, picking up on their insecurities. The boy uses this to his advantage, picking apart each little detail that makes the other person die from within. He doesn’t care, however. He just wants to be on top, pushing the other person on the brink of the edge. After all, it’s better to seem strong and sturdy then weak and fragile.

Friends - what is the meaning of this? He doesn’t have very many friends, just many acquaintances that temporary fill the silent void of his boredom. He doesn’t divulge much about himself, often only smiling and laughing along to the beat of the crowd. When something personal is asked, he shakes it off, knowing that it’s better to stay quiet and out of personal relations than to let someone in.

In front of the cameras, he’s a politician - primed and prepped to the tens, only allowing his perfect features to shine as well as his witty verbal slaps. It’s gotten him some popularity on variety shows and his looks have done enough to sway the fans. In front of his friends, he tries to maintain a composed proper composure, rarely allowing things to get messy. He’d rather not go out than show a shoddy and damaged appearance.

He hates talking about himself because he’s never actual come to terms with his own personality. Does he have a true personality? That is one question that nobody can really answer. He’s a kind of chameleon, bending, shape shifting to fit the mold of what is required of him in that exact moment in time. He’s quick on his feet and problem solves on the spot, knowing far too well the social cues and what everyone expects of him.

He can be funny, but that’s again one layer that is uncovered underneath all the hardware of his narcissistic asshole tendencies. When he throws in a joke, it’s because he’s afraid to get serious. It’s much easier to have a light hearted situation rather than dive deep - once things surpass the shallow waters, there’s no turning back and he is well aware of that.

He thinks that people leave often, and that nobody lasts forever. Perhaps, this is why the boy focuses heavily on his looks. He cares more about himself than he does to anyone around him. There’s no justification for caring for someone more than himself because after all, at the end of the day - at the end of life, everyone always tends to be alone.

He does have very few people he cares for, albeit not as much as he cares about his own self. However, to those he cares about he pretends to hate their constant attention and company. Despite that, deep down he appreciates these few people and seldom will do anything to push them out of his life. In fact, he reaches out to those first making sure they’re in good health or are not filled with bouts of worry. 

His closest friends consist of those who are persistent, able to push past the walls that he’s clearly set. It sounds like a typical romance comedy - with the damsel in distress putting up walls for nobody to break down, but this time it’s a boy in distress who puts strict boundaries. the few people that managed either powered through with the help of time, such as his members, or just an eccentric personality like kihoon. 

He doesn’t cry or show very many emotions besides the common happiness and laughter shared with others. The last time he cried was probably when he was faking it for an acting stint, but emotion wise - the boy has never shed a tear for anyone except his first love. Tears are an odd concept that he doesn’t toy with. People don’t need to cry, people don’t need to see you cry - that’s his motto. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t feel that many emotions anymore or maybe it’s because he refuses to allow anyone to see the vulnerability of his lone soul, either way he refuses to show any sort of sad countenance to anyone.

Everything is a show and everything is a game to this boy. Nothing is serious and everything is fleeting. Nothing is wrapped up in mystery but instead it’s just seen in black and white. People love to show their pain, enhanced by their past history. The truth is, this boy has no reason to feel anything. Behind his eyes hold a sullen, lifeless soul - lonely and withering away.

Fake it and they’ll believe you.

[idolizerp]

[ LOADING INFORMATION ON SIGNAL’S LEAD DANCE YUN…. ]

DETAILS

CURRENT AGE: 25 DEBUT AGE: 19 SKILL POINTS: 07 VOCAL | 09 DANCE | 04 RAP | 10 PERFORMANCE

INTERVIEW

smile for the camera. smile for the fans. smile ‘til it hurts.

that’s what signal’s yun was told right before he took his first steps onto the stage. he was meant to be the funny one, always cracking jokes and lightening the mood — and he stayed true to those guidelines… or at least, he tried to.

he DID cry on his debut stage, but that can be forgiven, right. . ?

well, not quite. following that stage, his image was given slight adjustments. the humor was toned down quite a bit, but his smile was still almost permanently in place. at fansigns, he would lean in until fans were flustered, chuckling at their red faces; he’d hold their hands for just a tad bit longer than expected to make them feel special. after all, he wanted his fans to feel as amazing as he thought they were.

always working hard and taking the blame when any mistakes were made within the group, he was seen by fans as a protector, of sorts. whether fans or his group members, he always wanted to make things right.

who is hwang doyun… really? when the lights are off? well, he’s not quite as outgoing as he seems. in fact, he’s pretty SHY and secretive. he doesn’t admit when he’s struggling, but he doesn’t admit anything, really. he prefers to be alone more often than not and he can go weeks without contacting his parents, manager, or members. unless signal is doing group activities, no one can be sure that he won’t suddenly disappear. he’s never doing anything bad, though… just clearing his mind. but it always leaves the people around him with a renewed realization that they don’t know him quite as well as they think they do.

BIOGRAPHY

( tw: mental illness. )

the laughter of a baby is enough to make almost anyone smile and for hwang doyun’s birth parents, that much rang true. he was a happy little infant, shining like the sun in his loving mother and father’s eyes — but on even the sunniest of days, there’s always the idea that it could rain lingering in the back of your mind. the clouds rolled in and the rain began to pour.

doyun’s parents were far too young for a child, his mother barely sixteen and his father nearing seventeen. they still had to finish school, they had their whole lives ahead of them and if they dared to keep this child, every plan they had would be thrown into the wind. surrendering this innocent child to an orphanage was the hardest thing they had ever done, and it was the beginning of a life without COLOR for the boy.

the orphanage was like a home without a heating system in the winter — icy cold. even in the heat of summer, when the kids would lie on the floors of their rooms with the windows open, the coldness lingered. although the children were never necessarily placed in danger, they never felt like they had a family or a true home, just a place to stay. they were given the necessities and had to follow strict rules — no music, no tv, no internet, no leaving their rooms after 9pm, no second servings for meals, etc. doyun didn’t know any different, but he spent much of his time sad and wondering why he didn’t have a family like most kids did.

he was finally adopted at eleven years old and for the first time in his life he was allowed to listen to music without being scolded. in fact, music was almost always playing in his new home. he found that he quite liked it, but he never expressed it. he didn’t really know how to express it. he spent so much time feeling like he was alone, just living day to day as he had to, that he wasn’t entirely sure HOW to show that he liked it.

he was calm. hard to read. a little odd, even. his new parents had a hard time reading him, and although he never realized it, they communicated with him through music. they would play different kinds through the television and watch his reactions to see what kind he liked best. he often went to his room if he didn’t like it, but he would bring his homework out and sit by the tv if he did. through music, they found a way to connect with the emotionally unavailable child.

he was thirteen when he admitted aloud that he wanted to make music. it was the only thing that had ever been able to calm the static mess in his head and fill the emptiness in his chest. it felt right. his parents, whom he had finally begun to address as mom and dad, supported him whole-heartedly in that idea. they knew how much doyun liked music. they had seen it with their own eyes, even though he didn’t even realize they paid that much attention to him. they were willing to put their money into music if it would give him an outlet and help them make him feel like a part of their family.

so vocal lessons and dance lessons became his life. he excelled in dancing, although his singing became much better after a few months, as well. he worked hard, even practicing at home when the lights were off and the tv was on, showing some sort of music video from the latest idol group. what a wonder that something like music could help him begin to find himself.

fourteen years old and going to an actual audition. msg entertainment. he had the look and the talent, but his years of being isolated made him a little anxious and unable to maintain eye contact. rather than seeing this as a problem, though, the judges viewed it as simply a lack of confidence — they could fix that, no problem!

after a couple more rounds of auditions and a stack of signed paperwork, doyun moved out of the home he had lived in with his parents and into the trainee dormitories. the beginnings were rough — he was in an unfamiliar place and he would go days without eating, too shy to say that he was hungry. rather, he would continue to practice while the other trainees ate; he’d wait until he got dizzy to go and get a meal. he felt sick often and wanted to go home many, many times, but it was his fears that made him NOT go home. fear that he would be laughed at, fear that he would be mocked, fear that his parents would be upset. so he stayed and after a month or so, he began to settle in.

the years went by in a clouded haze, watching trainees come and go, making friends and having to say goodbye, missing his parents, falling behind in school, hours of training with what felt like nothing to show. sadness. oh, such deep sorrow filled his heart, but he didn’t express it. perhaps it glimmered in his eyes — hell, he was sure it did — but he wouldn’t say it aloud, at least. he might have to go home if he admitted it, and music was still the only thing that made him feel at ease.

debuting was tough, but signal’s debut song was perfect. “o.k go.” after so many years of barely crawling, it was his time. the walk phase had finally, FINALLY transitioned into the run phase - it was go time. a question that he faced many times but never gave a clear answer to was, “why did you cry during your debut stage?” he cried because he was performing in front of an audience, something like eight year old him never would’ve imagined. he had grown as a person, persevered, and he had been taught to fly rather than having his wings clipped. that thought alone made him cry.

the problem was that his happiness was short-lived. the running around, interacting with hundreds of people a day, and barely getting any sleep got to yun faster than he could’ve imagined. a mere year after debuting, it became too much for him to handle and he saw a doctor who diagnosed him with clinical depression and prescribed medicine to “balance out the chemicals that were causing him distress”, whatever THAT meant.

the medicine left him feeling a little off, so he stopped taking it after the first couple of months. cold turkey, really; no one even knew that he had started taking it in the first place other than himself, his doctor, and his pharmacist. because he stopped taking the medicine so abruptly, he started feeling even worse for a while and he spent some time back home with his parents to clear his mind and refresh before returning to signal’s dormitory.

and today. he still struggles, but he does his best to keep smiling for the fans; he doesn’t want them to know that anything’s bothering him. in an industry that has so much pain, he can confidently say that he does still feel joy when he performs. there are times when he absolutely HATES the life that he’s made and wants nothing more than to disappear, but most days? he’s learning how to appreciate what he has.

[v-le]

My Trip to S. Korea (5/25/16 - 6/2/16)

Hello, friends!! I am back! Ahaha I have several posts that I’ve been wanting to make, but this one in particular has been fueling my interest more than ever these days. Rather than a review or a rant, this post is simply.. a log? :)

On May 25th of last year, I had the opportunity to travel to Korea as a 16 year old junior. I left school a week and a half earlier than everyone else, but it wasn’t just for fun. I was a part of IVSBP, the Interact Vietnam Soccer Ball Project (s/o to my wonderful team: Rotarians Nick, Marriane, Avis, and Sue, Roteractor Oliver, & fellow Interactors Gina and Abdul), a service project that aimed to bring the power of play to less fortunate children in Vietnam. In 2016, the Rotary International Convention (RICON) was being held in Korea, and I was blessed enough to be a part of the team that represented IVSBP with its very own booth at RICON. In this place, over 45,000 Rotarians from all over the world would gather for several special days. 

Each and every day, I documented my journey by quickly (and messily) scribbling each entry onto a currency conversion diagram paper that was partially cut up for reasons I cannot recall. Here is my 7-day “diary”, as transcribed word for word from the paper itself, with extra commentary below each entry:

Day 1

Arrive in Seoul Incheon + struggle tremendously to find driver. Astounded/fascinated/freaked out by tons of tall apts. Notes smog. Eat funky dinner w/ ppl, walked late at night.

Yes, I was admittedly spooked by the massive apartments that stretched on and on for as long as the eye could see LOL. The drive from Incheon to Seoul was one that I will never forget. That foreign feeling of being in a country that I dreamed about so many times makes my heart bulge with longing excitement. Also, our lodging was an Airbnb located in the heart of Gangnam. And so, our first night-walk was one that I wished could last forever.

Day 2

Wake at 6:45 am. Go to convention to set up. Kintex was rly cool. Cooler empty. Ate lunch (self-service). slow business. Went home to rest. Took metro home b/c no shuttles running. Took a long ass time & struggled little bit but managed to get it down. Went to COEX. Good shops, not enough time. Son Hoyoung fansigning + mini stage. Ate kbbq alone + did well even though scary. Home @ 11:30. 1:30 am sleep.

RICON was not held in Seoul, but rather in Goyang, which is a city about an hour away from Seoul. Kintex is the convention center, a massive two-structure building, with its own restaurants inside. To this day, I have spotted several shows / dramas / music videos that were filmed at Kintex as well. The Korean metro system is hands down my favorite part about Korea. It is very affordable, convenient, & easy to use once you get the hang of it. My team and I struggled a little bit at first because we were confused by the questionable red/green colors for some stops & routes, but I quickly realized it simply meant express versus “all-stop”. Myself and two others managed to go to the COEX Mall by metro, which was about a mile from our own apartment. One of my goals for Korea was to see a celebrity randomly, and it just so happened on our first full day! I was shopping in Aland with my friend when she suddenly ran up to me and said “Vanessa, Vanessa come look over here, come with me, there is someone singing outside!!”. We hurried outside, and there was Son Hoyoung, promoting his solo album with a mini fansigning event! After shopping, we wandered the streets of Gangnam once again, settling on a random bbq place for dinner. We were just 3 measly American high schoolers in a foreign country, but we ordered, ate, and paid for everything with ease. It was quite an exhilarating experience.

Day 3

Wake 6:45 am. Preconvention. Slow business. (BTW saw Music Works notice about Song yoo bin busking the night before --> day goal: leave & get to COEX by 6 pm) Talked to lotsa ppl. Managed to rush to shuttle station 9 @ 5 pm. Very late bus out of all 20 stations. Eventually wound up @ COEX at 7:20 pm w/ a very distraught heart. Went & finished COEX shopping. Struggled to eat stew at place w/o menu. Abdul + soju = dafuq is wrong w/ you; gtfo. 1:30 am sleep.

Ah yes, this day will go down as one of the most frustrating/ stressful/ depressing days I have ever experienced. RICON offers 20 different shuttle stations, each w/ their own buses & unique routes that run all throughout Seoul. The one that was crucial for me that day was Station 9, specifically at 5 pm. I remember stressing out the entire day about how we could get permission to leave early enough, which route to use, and simply making it to Song Yubin’s event with ease. And yes, I was able to successfully figure all that out throughout the day’s activities. It was just up to the bus to take us there. Unfortunately, although each station should have had buses running every 15 minutes starting from 5 pm & onward, Station 9′s bus was late to begin with. In fact, there was just one bus at first, but it filled quickly, and with only 3 seats left, we didn’t want to separate our group of 4, so we decided to wait for the next bus that would come in “5″ minutes. Those “5″ minutes trickled into the longest hour of my life. I remember standing in the burning sun, looking towards the end of the street the entire time, keeping my eyes peeled, standing on my tippie toes, my forehead sweating, my face twisting into distress as each minute passed. We finally made it onto the bus around 6:10. Yubin’s event started at 6. I remember falling asleep on the bus ride there, but waking up every ten minutes or so, just to see if we could still make it. By the time we walked out into COEX’s exhibition hall (the same one that Son Hoyoung was at the day before), it was completely empty. I didn’t cry because I wasn’t that petty, but.... I definitely felt extremely down. I had completely missed a once in a lifetime opportunity. To see one of my favorite, young & talented vocalists before he became popular and ventured into the kpop-idol scene. There was just some terrible kinda fate happening that day, in which the world just really didn’t want me to see him. For dinner, us 4 wandered around Gangnam again, but settled for something closer to our apt. It had no English menus nor pictures at all. And so once again (the other time would be the metro debacle), my handy dandy Korean-reading skills helped us out, and we barely managed to order various ... ingredients?? (only ones that I understood, though) that all went together in some sort of soup... To this day, I’m not really sure what we ate, but I remember it tasted delicious nonetheless.

Day 4

Same wake. Opening ceremony cool = k-tigers + Lena Park. Sleep-inducing speeches. Arrived back to booth @ 1 pm. Mango six yucky bubble tea. Left to Namsan. Actually used diff shuttle route + taxi to end up @ Namsan cable car. Went to tower. Managed to wander into Myeongdong. V cool. Metro home.

RICON officially begins! Lena Park performed and I was awestruck. At the convention, there are hundreds of different kind of volunteers, and some of them aid convention-goers with travels going to and from Kintex. We asked about getting to COEX the day before, and this time, we came back to ask about getting to Namsan, because my friend especially wanted to go there. I remember hearing the girls behind the table whisper about how we were just using them for our own personal, mini adventures, and I started to feel a bit embarrassed ahah. Regardless, the shuttle we took didn’t take us directly to the cable car site; we had to take a taxi after it dropped us off. I remember we struggled immensely with flagging it down and relaying our destination, but the driver thankfully understood perfectly, and took us right to the cable cars. From there, it was smooth sailing to the tower. It was very dreamlike, arriving at the top as the sun was setting, and leaving when the night had settled in completely. I remember taking a panoramic picture of the view, which I later used (and still use) as my facebook cover photo LOL. Wandering to Myeongdong was also quite the adventure, for we tried asking a civilian about “Myeongdong market” or something, but could not receive any helpful advice. If anything, I think we simply wandered farther into the city around Namsan, and *poof* there we stood in the middle of all the stores. And of course, we conveniently used the metro to make our way back home from there.

Day 5

6 am wake WTF?!?! Still left @ 7:30 anyway. V tired today. Kept falling asleep + lightheaded. Ate 떡볶이 & fell asleep disgustingly. Waited excruciatingly long for Nick to decide to go home. Left @ 5:30. Got back to station @ 7:15. Ate expensive bbq. 쌈 so good. Ate the snow w/ signatures like 정유미, 인순이, 박서준, 유아인 etc. 100% milk! Very nice lady :) . Gong cha jumbo. cool. Night @ 12 am for once.

By this time, the long days were getting to us, and we were thoroughly exhausted. However, dinner was quite fun, we ate with other convention-goers from the Bay Area as well. To this day, whenever I eat 쌈(ssam), it never compares to the kind I ate in Korea, and I have immediate withdrawals. And im not sure why i decided to write those names in Korean, but yes, the bingsoo place we stopped by had various signatures of celebs plastered around the walls, like Jung Yoo Mi, Insooni, Park Seo Joon, Yoo Ah In, and more. The “ice” was made of 100% milk, which was the entire shop’s selling point, & it was delish. Also, I, of course, had to get my pmt fix at the gong cha located near our apt. too.

Day 6

STOP waking us @ 6!!! Went about the usual day. Learned about fire w/ DC advisers :( . Ate frozen sticky dog for lunch. Fell asleep a lot still. Oliver felt much better: Myeongdong! The travel/transportation ladies seemed to dislike us so we managed to find proper shuttle. Shopped for a while. Felt rly sad that I couldn’t find good stuff for EZ. Going broke. Ate 김치 볶음밥! Yummy! w/ cheeseee. So full; couldn’t finish. Store ppl are scary. Very late. Everyone exhausted except for me. Got home 12:30. Slept 2:15. *written on the side* Gina lost her phone :( . 

Not a super eventful day, but we went back to Myeongdong again because we felt like we didn’t have enough time to fully explore the first time we were there. Once again, whenever I eat some form of kimchi fried rice here in the states, it never ever ever compares to the kind we had that night. Literally the best fried rice I ever had. Cheap and generously filled, too. Our team was dead tired by the night, as in they kept falling asleep on the subway LOL. Except I stayed alert, out of duty, amusement, and just pure excitement for another deep night in Seoul.

Day 7

Leftovers for breakfast. Very slow day @ convention. Left later than usual. Fell asleep @ booth a lot. Closing ceremony PSY, but everyone else was p lame. Ravi’s speech was very sleep-inducing; I’m sorry :( . Went to shuttle + left @ 8 pm. Ate super expensive dinner beef 한우 w/ M & N. They r weird. Service 짬뽕! But too spicy. Large Gong cha @ 10 pm; only 5 bucks left :( . But Nick paid for the pmt. Its 1:30 am rn but we gotta wake at 3 am b/c flight @ 7:30 am. I GOT MY PERIOD, FUCK!!!

And that, is how I ended my last log in Korea LOL. The leftovers for breakfast refer to the kimchi fried rice leftovers ahaha. Getting to see PSY was also pretty cool. I’m not sure why I said “beef 한우(hanwoo)“, but yes, it was quite expensive, where like 1 of the slabs of meat costed about 50,000 won! But this restaurant was also where I finally got to experience the concept of “service” in which they gave us free food :’) Also,I’m not sure why I said 5 bucks, but I meant 5,000 won ahaha. Having a flight late at night was quite exciting, for the Seoul nights were my favorite kind of memory overall. Or rather, they were all I really had since I spent all my days at RICON.

Welp, this ended up wayyyy longer than i anticipated, but it was honestly really refreshing to go over some memories that happened over a year ago. Although this trip was mainly for RICON, I had the amazing opportunity to delve into the culture that I had only seen countless times through a computer screen. As Oliver had said, we were volunteers by day, & tourists by night. I enjoyed my time more than I ever expected, and I have promised myself that I will go back. Soon.

Thank you, sk, for treating us so well.