#when the unhealthy coping mechanism is unhealthy

[yoiisa]

LOOKS LIKE THE REAL THING ⋆˙⟡ SAE ITOSHI

Tags: TW for suicide, familial arguments where children get involved, mentions of injuries, and mentions of violence, unhealthy coping mechanisms (repression). MAJOR ANGST, lotta hurt and not a lotta comfort, Rin haunts the narrative and Sae cannot deal with it

a/n: I do not know what cortex in my brain is responsible for the amount of angst I’ve been craving but she’s been active and I cannot stop. Radiohead brings out the worst and best in people after all so whoopsie! Have fun!

Bear in mind that I’m pretty sure those are all the TWs this fic contains, but just in case I missed any please proceed w this utmost caution! Always put yourself and your mental health first!

It wasn’t a problem at first for Sae. When you’d had your first kid, a daughter, she’d been a carbon copy of you. Her sat at your bedside, her swaddled in his arms as he whispered about how pretty she would be since you were her mom.

You two had named her Yuki, since she was born on the winter solstice. Snow. When that pang had shot through Sae, he thought nothing of it.

That changed the minute he saw his second born- his son. Haru still looked more like you than Sae, but his eyes, that teal color that seemed to rewind time itself. It stopped his heart. Those big round eyes, taking in his father for the first time. Sae almost collapsed.

Haru and Yuki got along well enough, and he was glad. Really, he was. Yuki seemed born to be a big sister. When Haru was still a baby, she’d litter kisses along his head while they played and insisted that she’d help feed him. She helped Haru take his first steps, and was the reason Haru laughed for the first time.

All of the adults that knew the pair would say the same exact thing: “Those two will be friends forever.”

Sae would always swallow the lump in his throat, which somehow would work to soothe his rapidly beating heart.

Everyone used to say the same thing about him and Rin after all when they were his kids’ age. Rin wasn’t around anymore though. He’d been in a car accident. He’d been crossing the street when a semi ran him over, killing him almost instantly. Sae could see his brother’s body still, lying pale and still as stone in his coffin. Those teal eyes would never open again, never stare at him as if he’d single handedly hung the stars in the sky. People would mutter than it was on purpose for years to come, but that couldn’t be true. Sae knew, it was an accident.

And he’d never gotten the chance to apologize for the fight he didn’t even know was happening.

When Haru first started acting like Rin, you had recognized the signs but Sae instantly got put on edge. It started from as young as Haru being six months old. He had been focusing so hard on rolling over onto his stomach. You, Yuki, and Sae had been sitting in the living room, you and your daughter cheering on as Haru struggled. Sae was smiling down at his son, his heart softening, before it gave a tight squeeze. Sae's eyes widened as he saw Haru's tongue peeking out from his lips. The tiny pink thing was pushed off to the side when Haru finally managed to successfully flip onto his stomach. It hung out a little bit as Haru smiled and you laughed at how cute your son was. You used your finger to poke it back in, and Sae felt like he was going to throw up.

Two years later, Yuki had been watching a TV show while Haru played with blocks next to her. She’d gotten up to use the bathroom, but as she did, her show ended and another program started to play. It was a nature documentary about dinosaurs, and it had a particularly gruesome display of a T-Rex taking a chunk out of another animal. Haru was mesmerized, before Sae and you rushed to turn the TV off. Yuki got an earful from you, but Haru instantly began bawling. Sae did his best to comfort his son, but Haru was adamantly crying for the next ten minutes, pointing at the TV that never got turned back on.

A few days later, Sae noticed Haru miming his stuffie dinosaur eating Yuki’s Barbie. Sae just told him to stop playing so violently, and ignored the way his mind was reeling.

When Haru was four, there was one day he and Yuki were eating ice creams in the kitchen during a particularly hot summer day.

“Did you win?” Yuki asked. Her face brightened into a smile as she cheered, “Yes! Got it!”

Haru narrows his eyes as he checks. He pouts and mumbles, “I lost.”

You giggled and petted your son’s head as he complained that I always lose! It’s not fair! Sae made a mental note to never buy that brand of ice cream again.

As you stood at the sink and washed the dishes, Sae walked up beside you and said sourly, “I thought they didn’t do that with the popsicle sticks anymore.”

You just shrugged, unbeknownst to the turmoil he had raging in his chest.

Everything eventually reached a head when Haru was old enough to know what soccer was. He'd been fascinated by his father's games since birth, and one day at the park, he'd raced up to a few older boys and asked if he could play. Initially, he'd just been brushed off, but his nagging got insistent enough that the older kids let him join.

Sae had been pushing Yuki on the swings when he heard the commotion from their group. He'd looked up and saw it then. Haru was shoving one of the boys away from the ball, the older kid shouting about how rough Haru was being. The young boy was ignorant though and played with the same brutality Rin had grown to cultivate though.

He was ruthless to himself. By the time Sae collected Haru to head home, he was covered in dirt stains and was bleeding from scratches all over his arm from the mulch. He had a nasty bruise forming on his shin, and when Yuki panicked, Haru brushed it off.

"Oh, this? One of the older kids accidentally kicked me too hard. But daddy! Did you see that amazing cap trick I scored?! It was just like in your last game!" he squealed.

Those teal eyes. His eyes. Rin's eyes. Haru watched Sae's face with enthusiasm, as if his life and death would be determined by whatever Sae was about to say. They were bright and glowed with the sun making them burn like fire.

Sae could only clear his throat and take Haru's hand in his. "It's called a hat trick. Don't play so rough. Let's go."

But Haru didn't listen. He never would. He pushed himself harder and harder, seeking out anyone who would play soccer with him every time they went to the park. Sae warded Haru off of the sport as best he could, but his son's hunger was insatiable. Haru would join games of middle schoolers some times, despite being barely five years old. Yuki wasn't even ten!

One day, the doorbell to his house had rang. When you and Sae went to the door to check who it was, your heart broke as you saw Haru on one of the boys' backs. Another stood in front and said, "I think he twisted his ankle. He started crying really badly while trying to steal the ball from Ken, and he couldn't walk."

Sae felt a bolt of white hot rage towards his son echo through his body. This is why he kept warning Haru. The game was dangerous especially when playing with people who had you out numbered and outmatched! Why couldn't his son have just gotten that.

Sae was silent on the drive to the doctor's. Yuki sat in the backseat comforting her brother while you kept giving his white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel an odd look. On the drive home, Sae couldn't contain himself anymore.

"I told you this would happen, didn't I?" he growled. Yuki goes silent beside her brother and you freeze. Sae presses on. "Haru! Answer me!"

Haru's bottom lip trembles as he croaks, "Yes-"

"Then why wouldn't you listen to me, huh?! How could you be so . . . so . . . stupid!" Sae roars.

When the four of you get home, you scoop Haru into your arms and Sae all but yanks Yuki from the car. You guys walk inside, and Sae fixes a stern glare at his son. He practically hisses, "If I ever see you go near a soccer ball again, you'll pay hell, do you understand?"

Haru could only nod, terrified of his father's iciness. His teal eyes wet with tears that are now freely running down his face. Whereas his eyes used to be wide with awe before, they're now wide with horror and fear. Haru trembles and clutches his dinosaur plushie close to his chest.

When Sae looks up, he almost flinches at how horrifying angry your expression is.

"Yuki, take Haru upstairs. Your father and I need to talk."

Sae doesn't bother to check if his kids actually leave. He hears their footsteps on the stairs and that's enough for the two of you to start going at it like lions. Father of your kids or not, no one speaks to your son or daughter that way.

"What the fuck was that Sae?" you ask incredulously. "How fucking dare you call him stupid!"

"He was," Sae's voice is low and menacing. "He was being stupid and callous with his health and look at where it got him! You saw how swollen that ankle of his was!"

"And you saw how heartbroken you made your son, didn't you?" you shout brushing past Sae and into the kitchen. "He looks up to you you idiot. You're his dream. You should know that by now!"

"If he really did, he would've listened the first time I told him to give up! His dream isn't worth getting hurt over, not like I did-"

"Sae shut up!" you scream. "He's not Rin!"

Sae freezes. "The fuck did you just say?!"

"You heard me loud and clear! He's. Not. Rin."

"How fucking dare you-"

"You think I haven't noticed it too?! I knew Rin too!"

"NOT LIKE ME!" Sae roars, his voice cracking. "NOT LIKE HOW I DID!"

He crowds your space, and you stumble back against the counter. "You knew this whole time," Sae growls, "and you've just been letting me suffer in my loathing all alone?!"

"You have never been alone with me, and you know that," you retort, just as venomously. "If you never came to me with your sorrow, then how the hell was I supposed to help?"

"Shut up!" he shouts. You've never seen Sae this unhinged before. He's unraveling at the seams. "Shut up!"

His baby brother. The truck. It's all he can think of whenever he sees Haru. He's had so many nightmares of Haru's body lying in that coffin or on that street, his limbs bent every which way, his teal eyes-

His eyes. The eyes that would flutter closed as Sae would read him a bedtime story, or would light up whenever Sae made an assist for a goal in a game, or would collect tears when Yuki said no to playing together.

Those same eyes stare back at Sae in the mirror with loathing etched into every crease of his iris. Sae feels his self-hatred in every fraction of his body. His heart is full of it and his brain echoes it across his entire nervous system. He's alight with pain all the time, and he's tired.

He can't stand to stare into his eyes a second longer. Rin's eyes. Haru's eyes.

Haru's eyes are staring up at him now.

"Haru get back here!" Yuki shouts yanking on her little brother's arm.

But Haru doesn't move, he doesn't even flinch, twisted ankle and all. He stands in front of you protectively, his little 3 feet a solid wall from his father's rage.

"Don't yell at her!" he sobs, his cheeks covered in tears.

"Go upstairs Haru," Sae says lowly.

Haru shakes his head, even as you repeat Sae's sentiment. "No! Not if you're going to yell!

"Haru-!"

"Why do you hate me so much?!" Haru asks hysterically, his voice high pitched and squeaky. "What did I do?! I don't know what I did!"

Sae steps back as if he got punched. Haru's entire body is shaking with tremors as he continues to cry. He shakes his head and sobs, "You look at me different than you do Yuki or Mama! You look like you want me to run away and never ever come back! You look at me like you want me to do nothing forever, and be nothing! Sometimes I wish I was never born!"

"Haru!" you shout in horror. You kneel down and try to take your son into your arms, to provide him with some comfort, but Haru shoves away from you and takes a step towards Sae, who's recoiling from his son in horror.

"What did I do, daddy?!" he asks desperately. "Why do you hate me?!"

A deafening silence fills the kitchen. You and Yuki watch helplessly as Haru cries himself stupid. His tears stain the tiles on the floor and wet his shirt. Snot runs from his nose as he watches Sae with those same haunting eyes.

Eventually, Yuki whispers, "Haru, let's go upstairs, please. Daddy doesn't hate you, let's please just go upstairs."

Haru turns just a little, ready to follow his sister, but suddenly Sae falls to his knees. You and your kids flinch at his anguished expression, the one that has seen a lifetime of pain despite just barely being halfway through his life. Sae is sobbing uncontrollably, a sight you've never seen. Not when you got married, not when you had Yuki or Haru, not even when Rin died. Although now, it seems that pain is finally rearing its ugly head.

"I . . . I don't- fuck. Haru, no," Sae moans, grieved. He crawls across the floor and immediately takes his son into his arms, crushing him against his chest. "I'd never hate you. I'll never hate you. I'll love you forever and ever and ever. I'm so sorry. Daddy's so sorry. Forgive me please. You can play soccer. You can watch TV and fight with your dinosaurs and do everything you ever want, but please Haru never think that Daddy hates you because he doesn't. He doesn't. I don't. My boy. My sweet baby boy."

Sae's breath is coming in short intervals now, on the verge of hyperventilating. He squeezes his son tighter against his shirt and sobs into Haru's hair. "Never. Never ever. I'll never hate you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Forgive me. Please forgive me. Daddy loves you. I love you. I love you, forever and ever. I love you. I love you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry-"

His breath hitches as you tilt Sae's head up to look at you. You're not smiling down at him, but your eyes hold a softness they were void of just moments before. Sae's own eyes are wild and messy, muddy with his tears. Haru is curled up in his father's arms, crying into his dad's chest.

You put your hand on Haru's shoulder and begin prying your son from his dad, but Sae holds fast, desperate to not let go of his boy. His only boy. His sweet baby boy.

God, what has he done?

Eventually, Sae lets go of Haru, and you give your son to your daughter. "Both of you, upstairs. I'll come tuck you in soon, okay?"

They nod, and Yuki hurries upstairs, carrying Haru in her arms. You turn back to your husband and cup his cheek in your hand.

"Relax for a moment. Then come upstairs. I'll be in our bedroom. We need to talk."

"I'm sorry," he blurts, grabbing your wrist. "I'm-"

You kiss his forehead and he falls silent. "Shh, we'll talk later. Just . . . we both need to cool down first, okay?" When Sae nods, you smile the tiniest of smiles, and head upstairs as well.

He sits in the silence for an hour, a day, a week, who knows really? Eventually, Sae heads upstairs. He walks down the hallway to your bedroom, but pauses when he sees the light on in Haru's bedroom. Haru's scared of the dark after all, and falls asleep with the lights on, for you or Sae to come later and turn them off.

When Sae cracks open the door, Haru is asleep in his race car bed, his dinosaur tucked under his chin. Sae's heart almost gives out as he walks into his son's room. You left the light on on purpose, for Sae to do this now. He flicks the switch to the lamp off and kisses Haru's head, petting his hair with his hand.

His son. His only son. He's fucked things up so badly hasn't he? Just like with Rin.

Sae sobs again and shakes his head. He stays there, kneeling next to Haru for another horrible minute, before standing and making his way to your bedroom. You're sitting with your back to the headboard, your knees drawn up to your chest, staring down at your hands. You look up as he walks in, and Sae closes the door behind him, shutting the rest of the world out to the two of you.

a/n: ill prob write a part two at some point which delves more into Sae and Rins relationship . . .

[shaisuki]

Something I don't understand is why reader is still with Zayne after THAT night. How was the day after being forced like? Did she feel angry? Terrified? Did she try to run away, but Zayne wouldn't let her?

I also imagine that, like many SA victims, every year on that date she feel melancholy and rage. Every year she end up yelling at Zayne, crying, and it's simply the least favorite date for both of them for different reasons.

❆ ₊⋆ content warnings. implied noncon + unhealthy coping mechanisms + trauma

Seasons may change. As the leaves withered and the cold wind blowing in the middle of the day — you will be reminded of that night. It comes slowly to you, creeping up.

You didn't need to look at the calendar to check what's the date. For the upcoming days, it will come. Every year, it washes over you like being poured with a cold bucket of water. Enveloped in his coldness, indifference. Reduced to nothing but someone he picks up after being ignored.

The morning after that night, you convinced yourself that it was nightmare. Zayne, of all people will never do something as vile like that to you. He may be cold, stoic and emotionally distant to you like all those years. The least he's capable of is hurting you — physically.

He was gentle like a husband to his first night with his bride but you weren't a bride nor he was your husband. He was your fiancé, a childhood friend that didn't treat you like one and who tolerated you under the watchful eyes of the adults present.

If being gentle and treating you like a fragile glass at that night while does it shatter your heart into tiny fragments. You watched him through the blurry vision of your eyes filled with tears as he took you repeatedly that night.

You did refused. Begged him helplessly and said no multiple times. Maybe it was your fault, you weren't stern enough nor loud that he failed to hear it and took your vulnerability as allowing him to touch you — that you were only nervous.

You laid with him that night, sleeping by his side as exhaustion took over you and when sunlight streamed through the windows, forcing you to wake up.

The first thing you noticed is you were still in your pajamas. It was nightmare that you almost sighed in relief but the pain registers. The dull ache between your legs and your wrists sore from being held by his hands that once saved you.

Suddenly, you felt like you were bound in the hospital bed again after being in a coma. Anesthesia had worn off. Where you feel your broken bones is yet to be attached again and the wounds opening up again. The stitches didn't want to hold your broken skin. Absentmindedly staring at the distance, trying to comprehend your situation.

That's what you felt in your bed that he ruined. You didn't dare to move in the first few hours. Closing your eyes to feel your surroundings even you were numb to the world. You only moved when you didn't smell the fragrance of his perfume, hear his breathing near you or the sudden shift of movements — it was only you and your body that still in the midst of recovery.

The steps towards the bathroom was heavy. Dragging your self with no sense of what to do but even the first drops of the cold water hit your body, you didn't feel anything. Dress yourself, you whispered cause if you didn't, you were afraid that you'll crumble.

The suitcase in the living room were gone. He must have returned it to your closet. You were going to leave but it was distant now. A fleeting dream.

Should you call your mom? Dad? No, you can't. They won't believe you. Zayne isn't capable of doing that to you. That's right you were dreaming.

It was only a bad nightmare. Your lips trembled. Your knees suddenly felt weak like you can't find your steps like you did — similar to that first time you learned to walk after being bound to bed in a month. Strange. Why were you feeling like this? You were just walking fine yesterday. Zayne did said you were still recovering and your body were still adjusting.

As the date gets near after that night, you were constantly reliving it. The constant blame and the guilt possesses you. Helplessly beating yourself for something that you can't control that resulted in the birth of your children. Twins at the first shot and you were constantly reminded with their presence. You didn't blame your children. They were innocent and you were the only one guilty.

Zayne stares blankly at the bed. You weren't there. How could you sleep besides him as the date loomed. You were going to sleep in the nursery and he will sleep alone in this cold bed. It was his fault. He was always going to be reminded what he did that night to you.

It was the way he deems as a last resort cause if he lets you go that night — you weren't coming back. It's fine, he can endure that. This loneliness — of his wife wanting to stay away from him. You made it clear this morning and he had seen it coming.

Before the calendar changes into a new day, you were already avoiding him, can't stand his presence and breathing in the same air with him. Retreating in the safety of the nursery. He wouldn't dare go there unless he was needed but still he checks up on you. He was still making ways to earn your trust again and giving you the space you needed. He wasn't going to force you again.

In the quietness of the night, he slowly walks towards the nursery. There's only the soft glow of the amber light in the room. He can see you resting in the plush recliner. It softly rocks along with the twins breathing above your chest.

You were still awake. Caressing your children's back, lulling them into much deeper sleep with happy dreams to fill their heads. You did it silently while tears slipped from your eyes, rolling down your round cheeks while you gaze at the twins peacefully asleep in your arms.

You didn't scream at him during the day and it fills him with so much hurt in his chest that his heart may stop beating at any moment for the pain he had caused you.

His gaze drops on the children cradled on your chest. Their tiny hands clutching at the fabric of your nightgown.

Long time ago, when you stopped screaming at him — when you gave up the moment you felt their little kicks. He thought it was fine, that you were going to accept this life but how could you when you didn't get to decide or have wanted this life.

Regret will always cling to him with every tears that slips from your eyes and that once bright smile that he will never see again for he had stolen it. The girl who once loved him.

You drifted to sleep moments later after tiring yourself from crying. The surgeon slowly enters the nursery. Gently covering his wife and his children with a blanket for the night was still young and it's colder lately.

He leans down to press a small kiss at the crown of his daughter's head before giving his son a kiss too. He remains still for a moment while looking at you.

In your sleep, you look peaceful. There was still the remnants of your youth. He sees you as the girl who silently loved him for all the years.

You were still beautiful.

The tears had dried on your cheeks. Then he presses a soft kiss to your forehead. One that you wouldn't know, one that you didn't asked for and one that you will refuse. He breathes out.b

“I'm sorry.” He murmurs. It's all he can say to you without acceptance cause he didn't deserve you.

He stays a little bit longer. Wiping a tear that formed in the corner of your eye. Kissing the back of your hand and placing it behind his daughter's back.

In the dead of the night, he whispers.

“Sweet dreams, darling.”

It will be over soon and it will pass.

[kawacake]

YOURE A BRAT | Bachira SMAU

💚 WHERE Bachira and Y/n broke up in high school, now they’re back on the same campus. He wants to protect his peace she wants to protect her pride but some love stories don’t end, they just hit pause.

main masterlist

status: ongoing

taglist: OPEN (comment to be added)

warning(s): toxic exes & emotionally messy rekindled romance, mentions of unhealthy coping mechanisms (partying, avoidance, impulsivity), swearing / explicit language, Alcohol consumption / college party culture, angst + jealousy + emotional breakdowns, slight manipulation / gaslighting (from side characters), passive-aggressive social media posts / subtweeting, implied sexual content, emotional whiplash + attachment issues

a/n: each chapter will be named after a Charli xcx song but that doesn’t exactly mean you have to listen to the song while reading

Playlist: coming soon…

Introduction: Y/n’s Angels (and Rin) , #notclickbait

Chapter Guide

1. So far away

2. Rewind

coming soon…

moodboard

“You’re a Brat” is the self-sabotage to soulmate pipeline, but in a body glitter and platform heels. It’s “I don’t do relationships” x “But I’d still walk through fire for you” energy.

y/n is the type to flirt with you at a party, post about someone else the next day, and pretend she doesn’t see the look in your eyes. Bachira is the type to fall anyway, to sit front row for the chaos she brings, and smile like it’s a privilege to watch her burn.

She’s glitter in the dark, he’s late-night voice notes, half-finished poems, and the boy who still believes in her even when she doesn’t believe in herself.

“She’s gonna ruin you.” “I hope so.”

He’s “you deserve soft love” and she’s “I don’t believe in happy endings.” She leaves parties with mascara-stained cheeks and Tito’s in her veins. He waits outside in the cold, every single time. Big “you’ll never love me like I want” x “I already do” energy. A slow-burn tragedy & a love story told through subtweets, missed calls, and the one boy she never meant to love again.

“Only threw this party for you I only threw this party for you, for you, for you I'm about to party on you Watch me, watch me party on you, yeah Party on you, party on you Party on-party on you, party on you Party on-party on you, party on you” Party 4 you by Carli xcx

“You're in love with somethin' bigger than love You believe in something stronger than trust Wanderlust Wanderlust” Wanderlust by The Weeknd

“I fell in love today There aren't many words that you can say That could ever get my mind to change She's enough for me, she's in love with me You're a doll, you are flawless But I just can't wait for love to destroy us I just can't wait for love” Flawless by The Neighborhood

“And for you I keep my legs apart And forget about my tainted heart And I will never ever be the first to say it But still I, you know I-I-I I would do it, push a button Pull the trigger, pull a mountain, jump off a cliff 'Cause you know, baby, I love you, love you a little bit You would do it, you would say it You would mean it, and we could do it It was you and I” Little bit by Lykke Li

© kawacake — please do not steal, plagiarize, repost, or translate any of my works, and do not put it on any other platform without my permission.

[workingonasongbird]

Am I really supposed to believe that only 16 of the total 75 victors had died by the time CF rolls around????

16 out of 75 people, most (if not all) with some degree of mental illness, trauma, and unhealthy coping mechanisms with zero access to therapy or any kind of help for it???

16 out of 75 people, when for at least the first decade of the Games they were given medical treatment at the vet, then tossed back home where most of the population are starving??? Not to mention that the districts don't seem to have much medical care available even at the best of times. People get ill. People die. Does being a victor somehow make you immune to that just because the Capitol might want you for their death trap again in 60 years?

"Oh but they stayed alive to protect their families" Snow killed all of Haymitch's family in one hit, do you really think all the victors had families to protect at all? Also, I feel like the idea that a victor wouldn't off themselves because their family depended on their survival just feeds into the idea that suicide is selfish, which is an idea I would like to bury very deep in the dirt.

And before anyone comes at me with the "People would get suspicious if the victors died" or "Snow needs the victors for the Games" no he doesn't. Victors can be, and are, forgotten. They are disposable. It's so easy to make up a plausible explanation for a death, especially when they get older. If Mags was causing so much trouble for Snow why didn't he just kill her? He could have done that, no questions asked.

[mako-neexu]

smth smth rambles that are entirely my opinion and i could be wrong (so dont attack me) you know this chapter made guda, fuijmaru ritsuka with already Many Issues worse is because of "mash" or rather kyrie's death but ultimately comes back to mash...that dantes did for them.

we even see a while back how guda was already shaken by not knowing whether mash is safe during lb6 after that fog like their priority is mash. mash.

they were already frantic as soon as they remembered mash almost questioning everyone about her whereabouts and immediately got reckless just trying to reach her at norwich. and when only when they were together did the "narrator" emphasize on the sheer relief guda felt like-- wow the obvious signs in OC chapter 2 makes you realize furthermore that guda's sanity hangs on a thin thread named 'mash' asdfgh

yes guda loves mash!! yes they care about her!!! but look and read at how guda tells absolutely nothing to mash- and that applied the same to kyrie!

(more below)

kyrie wanted to know and ask her senpai about the situation like we see her really wanting it but ultimately backtracking in the end because she trusts guda and she's even supportive. and guda was grateful/relieved that she stays innocent about the weird things going on in their tokyo.

they do compromise at one point that if kyrie really demands on explanations, guda would tell her but...

guda doesnt tell her anything, (kyrie believes in her senpai so even when faced with death, kyrie didnt break under pressure) keeps her in the dark so no one comes after her. for her to be ultimately safe. so she remains...innocent, normal who stands alongside "mama" and "little sister" as they arent involved in the first place about whats been happening. and guda wants to keep it that way for their family. not a real family, but a family nonetheless that cared about guda. an epitome of normal- which mash kyrielight has attained.

and now you see guda, who, upon waking up asks mash kyrielight if she was okay. if she was alright. guda doesnt stop their questions until mash answered. and so mash answered.

"I'm okay, Senpai. My vital signs are normal... so I'm completely okay."

all the while guda had just dismissed being in pain literally one minute ago and just hugged her tight. they "save mash the trouble" to tell her about the pains they went through in the singularity so as not to burden mash. so they stuff their pain inside the corner of their heart again, completely satisfied with mash's safety and disregarding their own health. (you also see in section 23 that theyre cherishing the normal and small moments with mash.)

mash is normal. mash looks pure to guda, her heart filled with "color" in comparison to guda whose heart has become "transparent". an inverse character development which will ultimately destroy them both.

for mash, who sees her Senpai as strong and unwavering, the image of kindness and strength when they held her hand during part 1 crushed by a coffin which she continues to believe them to be that way until now.

for guda, who sees mash as someone who's become normal. one last remnant that reminds them of a past life lost, mash with that purity and normalcy becoming an ideal to protect (as if she was glass) because they no longer have their own. (and mash is also literally the only one left close to guda, who remembers all the events of part 1. which... adds more to how losing mash would break guda even further.)

(also we see guda say 'tadaima' coming home to an empty house, the loss of kyrie and their family still in mind, and a little later, the Avenger mindset comes back and settles in as they're plagued by bloodlust. then when guda comes back to mash, their home, mash is their home. do you realize that? do you realize what im saying? mash says: "welcome home, senpai." and that was enough for guda. that eased everything in guda's tumultuous heart.)

i remembered guda avoiding on telling "mom" that they and kyrie were near the "gas leak site" / britoalter's battleground so like.....of course their lying to medical staff about getting back to the battlefield would carry over here.

deliberately making sure the "normal" components of their fake high school life remain untainted is what we see guda do. they shouldered everything, terrifying as it is, just to protect them but ended up inevitably losing them in the process.

there's also that contrast in seeing a dead body between kyrie and guda. kyrie still stood strong against dantes and remained rational and calm while telling "ojisama" that this wasnt good for guda. meanwhile guda, while still able to think about calling the ambulance after seeing the da vincis absolutely lost their mind when it came to kyrie which their mind thought of mash- and i think guda thought of both as 'one' person so they went absolutely insane right then and there

during the conversation with amatsuka, thats the part where guda became finally stable. because its implied guda's mental state really broke at kyrie's death which their mind automatically thought it to be "=mash is dead". but ukelele-senpai saved the day by reminding guda where they are, if mash and kyrie were the same person, and helping guda calm down and think of seeing that blue sky with mash during the part 1 epilogue.

and augh guda you shit!!! you need therapy!! dont put mash in a pedestal!! dont treat her as if she's fragile!! dont treat her like porcelain meant to be protected while you take on everything for the sake of keeping mash safe because she is the only remnant of your past left, because she is the only "normal" person you have left!!! guda you need to understand that if ever mash gets hurt someday or dies and its out of your control, you need to understand that it wont be your fault!! you need to understand that because someday you will part ways with her as well and you need to be able to be ready to lose again. if you lose mash once and for all, what will you do!?!?!? this is not healthy guda!! gudaaa you hear me!!?? gudaaaaaaa

[nyanbinary-87]

PRINCESS TUTU ASPEC WEEK: QUEERPLATONIC & BONDS.

i think they should be weirder and more fucked up abt each other. feat a simpsons quote. what they have isnt romantic they have something much more sinister going on etc etc (its The Narrative)

[degenerusssy]

[saturnniidae]

I think Astrid Hofferson has a bad case of the 'my childhood was wasted, I grew up too fast for something ultimately proven pointless.' Syndrome and that she deserves to get to do silly things she missed out on and take up new hobbies, even if she's not particularly good at them–it's purely for the experience yknow, and learn to finally breathe no longer needing to be on constant high alert and get to be truly happy

[my-insanity-is-an-artform]

Au where the guilt, shame, and devastation from killing Macaque, accidentally causing Ao Lie to be hit by the Samadhi Fire, sealing DBK, and everything else he's ever blamed himself for causes Wukong's powers to malfunction.

Specifically his cloning power.

Over the course of 500 years, Wukong falls into a deep depression, nightmares are abundant and some days are a struggle to even roll out of his nest.

So the day he wakes up on a Bad Day and sees 'Macaque' holding a peach out for him, he's stunned and lets 'Macaque' lead him outside into the sunshine in a daze. It's not until he's lying by their tree that 'Macaque' poofs into a hair and he understands what happened.

And it keeps happening regularly enough that Wukong just ends up accepting it. (Which CANNOT be healthy but who's going to stop it? No one visits often enough to catch on)

(Under read more because I apparently cannot shut up about this)

Macaque is the most common, long lasting and stable clone to pop up, mostly during the darkest days of his depression or after a bad night, with Ao Lie and DBK being the second most common. However, he does occasionally have clones pop up as Tripitaka, Bajie, Wujing, Subodhi, Azure and one really weird day, Nezha.

(Wukong zipped off in a total panic to visit Nezha who was completely baffled by the visit and couldn't pry the reason out of the monkey.)

The clones share their personality with the originals, sometimes angry and harsh, sometimes sad and understanding, sometimes joyful and happy. They only have the same knowledge that Wukong has.

The Macaque, Ao Lie and DBK clones usually are easy-going and affectionate, reminiscent of his early relationship with each which are balms on Wukong's soul.

Wukong cannot bring himself to poof the clones himself, even when Clone!Azure tries to attack him, or when a Clone!Pilgrim starts blaming him for things beyond his control. He just lets them stay until they poof away themselves.

Which makes it a bit awkward when MK lands on Flower Fruit Mountain for training right after the pilot events and is greeted by Clone!DBK. One extremely awkward chase and explanation that MK somehow manages to drag out of Wukong later, the clone poofs out of existence and leaves MK to really think about the relationship Wukong once had with DBK.

This shift in ideas and the worry MK has over his mentor basically hallucinating happier times makes MK start trying to bridge the gap between DBK and Wukong in the hopes of lessening Wukong's guilt. Usually during their fights, which just adds to the confusion.

(MK, in the middle of a fight: Hey just a question Mr Bull Demon King Sir, do you miss Monkey King? You were friends once, right?

DBK: And just why would I miss that Simian?!

MK: *Shrug* Cause he misses you. He never wanted to fight you. *Cue same explaination Wukong gave MK which boils down to Wukong had to deal with him or else the Celestial Palace would and they would not have been nearly as merciful.*)

DBK will not be able to sleep that night.)

Clone!Macaque is sometimes the one to greet MK and he gets to know this former best friend of Monkey King. It's easy to see that while Wukong know this isn't the real deal and can't treat it the same, he still accepts whatever affection the clone gives.

The clone is the one to explain to MK in simple terms what happened to it's original counterpart. That the Six Eared Macaque attacked the pilgrims and Wukong was obligated to protect them. That the fight got out of hand. That Wukong killed his former best friend and never forgave himself for it.

So when MK meets the actual Macaque for the first time, he thinks he's a clone (despite the fact none of the clones ever leave Wukong's side) and takes him back to Flower Fruit Mountain.

Where they find Wukong touching up an old mural.

With a Macaque clone next to him.

Wukong questions if he's finally going completely mad.

Clone!Macaque tells him that it's been telling him to go to therapy/Guanyin for decades now.

MK is hovering worriedly over his mentor.

Actual Macaque is having a crisis.

[kaelidascope]

You're A Hot Mess Chapter 3 is LIVE

**SHAKES DEPRESSED DOGGY BAG OF TREATS**

This time we get Yang pov 👀

[kataraavatara]

“guys, the house of wind was like REHAB for nesta” THEY FUCK YOU IN REHAB??????

[shepcdr]

in terms of shepard and sex throughout the course of the trilogy... shep's extremely easy to have a one night stand with pre-me1;

far too busy thinking about/pursuing saren during the events of me1 — though Perhaps he fucks around with the consort... perhaps — and generally does Not romance someone during me1 (subject to heavy plotting);

in me2, jumps back to "easy to sleep with/have a one night stand with" perhaps even more so than pre-mass effect 1 (haha dont worryyyyy its not in any way connected to bodily expression/autonomy/reclamation of self after project lazarus even though he'll deny having any worries about it and brush over the topic if you ask him);

and despite being a ho... he is, i think, almost completely inaccessible sexually in me3 except in cases of shore leave/ship maintenance where he's pressured to "do nothing/unwind." might go out and search out one night stands (if he didn't romance anyone) to take his mind off of things but it's unhealthy and extremely dissociative. as he is with anything that isn't actively contributing towards the war against the reapers

in most cases, he — not always, but generally — has sex with someone (usually on the regular, veers towards friends with benefits) and then has a slow burn to romance and feelings... even if he already undoubtedly has feelings for someone; processing those feelings beyond "it feels nice to be around this person" takes a while!!

[byteing]

added a rule, posting it here for easier access:

I may write toxic or abusive dynamics with RP partners, and most of my characters already have abuse--including sexual abuse--in their backstories. If that's something you're uncomfortable with, or if you think that people should only ever write sanitized, 'unproblematic' depictions of abuse, this probably isn't the blog for you. Even if it's incredibly unlikely I'm ever going to be writing anything graphic or detailed re: abuse on the dash, I am a CSA survivor among other things and I don't appreciate the idea that what happened to me is 'too graphic' to write about, or that people aren't allowed to find catharsis or pleasure in the writing of dark fiction. I have my own personal limits with this (such as not following blogs that write graphic rape, incest, or underage smut, for example; there are many things I find gross and want to avoid!), but they're just that: personal limits. You're allowed to have them too, but please don't impose them on me or make assumptions about what I do/don't approve of in real life based on my writing.

[tfemthanatos]

Thanatos having clinical depression before they invented antidepressants therapy My Chemical Romance and the album Mr Morale is such sickening and Evil work. Not even weed was around like Omg free my girl

[wyattwithane]

crazy to think that for the longest time i coped by (unintentionally) seperating all my thoughts into voices. i dont have any disorders at all that should cause that i just have social anxiety and adhd which is probably also autism but i used to have i think seven voices? they all had names too and it wasnt like ‘oh i named them’ they just had names. there was tom, freddie, madyson, and those were the big three. there was also oliver, adam, and i think there was another but he was almost never present. the big three stuck around for a long time and then i started getting better and they went away. i guess it was just something that happened because ive daydreamed as long as ive known and dr/dp isnt uncommon but as far as i know i dont actually have any dissociative disorders, that was just something that happened in my brain and if i did have a disorder then they wouldnt have gone away. i dont really know.

[mad-hunts]

an idea for how another character could meet barton in an untraditional way: your muse met barton while he was in residency by expressing concern for him as they saw him at the grocery store... with only like five bottles of wine in his cart at the checkout 🫠 JSJSJ