#when she last messaged me i was doing really bad mentally so i couldn’t get myself to reply for a couple weeks

[possession1981-moving]

.

[0310s]

gently, by your side | jaehyun

members: myung jaehyun x gender neutral reader

genre: college au, angst, comfort, best friends! to ???, more platonic stuff in this one

tags/warnings: extensive discussions of mental health and chronic/mental illness, y/n is not okay. :(

summary: jaehyun finds you after a bad week.

wc: 2.7k

a/n: this fic’s title comes from this lovely song. as someone who’s struggled with both chronic and mental illness, it really takes someone strong and amazing to keep on going, despite everything. most of the dialogue in this comes from my own musings and experiences with mental health. i wrote this for a dear mutual of mine! i hope better days will come for you soon, whenever that may be. meanwhile, i hope this gives you comfort when things are tough! sending lots of love <3 

𓉞⋆｡˚☁︎｡⋆

5 days ago 1:28 PM 🐶 cutie puppy

(y/n) we haven’t seen each other in such a loooong time imy :(( i mean i KNOW it’s just been a couple of days since we last hung out but still!!!!!!! when are we seeing each other again !!!! tell me ur schedule QUICK !!!!

4 days ago 6:33 PM 🐶 cutie puppy

heeeeyyyyyyyyy (with the intention to hang out) heeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy heeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy reply to meeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! tell me when ur free pls i miss u :((

3 days ago 11:58 PM 🐶 cutie puppy

hey i didn’t see u at the party today i thought u said u were going last week!!!  also i asked around and people said they haven’t seen u around recently??? and they don’t know what ur up to

2 days ago 2:05 PM 🐶 cutie puppy

heeeyyyy ?????????? did i do smth?????  or are u just really busy w school and work idk either way pls just let me know :(( i won’t bother u if ur rlllyyy busy

10:35 PM sorry if i’m being annoying btw

Yesterday  11:32 PM 🐶 cutie puppy

ok i thought about it reaaaaaallly hard and i don’t think i’ve done anything to make u mad or upset w me??? well aside from that time last last week that u got mad at me for accidentally messing w ur computer and deleting ur work files WHICH IM LIKE REALLY SORRY FOR but i fixed it!!!!! i thought we were good alrd!!! are u still mad at me 4 that ?

1:00 AM (y/n)?

1:28 AM idk  i thought i was ur best friend :(( did smth change???

2:47 AM pls pls reply :(( i know we can talk this out i don’t want us to not be ok

Today  3:00 PM 🐶 cutie puppy i’m coming over.

𓉞⋆｡˚☁︎｡⋆

Sitting up from your bed, your heart thuds in anxiety as you quickly scroll through your chat history with Jaehyun. Your eyes hurt and your brain feels especially foggy, like you’re looking at the world through a particularly cloudy lens. How long did you sleep? The last thing you recall was working on your assignments last night, then choosing to sleep instead when you got overwhelmed. Even then, you slept fitfully. You remember setting an alarm at 9 AM today to continue working, but even as you sat at your desk, you couldn’t type a single sentence on your laptop. Everything felt muddled and it was as if you couldn’t understand anything at all. Even the cups of coffee you drank in desperation was of no use keeping you alert; all it did was make you palpitate.

Then you gave up, went back to bed, and you’re here now. Checking the chat timestamps, you realize you haven’t replied to Jaehyun’s messages in almost a week, which has never happened before—you talk almost everyday, even multiple times a day. Jaehyun’s last message was at 3 PM, when he said he’d come over. One look at your screen shows you it’s already 3:20. If you’ve memorized his schedule right, it takes your best friend thirty minutes to get to your dorm from his Fundamental Maths class. That means you have ten more minutes to get your shit together and clean your mess of a room. 

But right when you’ve mustered the energy to stand up, you hear a series of knocks on your door. That can’t be— “(Y/n), open up, I know you’re in there!” Jaehyun’s voice echoes from outside the door. “I asked your dormmate and she said you haven’t left your room since yesterday, so there’s no use pretending!” Shit, shit, shit! You immediately spring up and hastily fold your blankets and organize your desk, throwing away stray food wrappers and plastic cups. You open your blinds to let some air in, and the bright sunlight makes your head throb even more. 

On your way to the door, you spot yourself in the mirror. There’s no other word for it—you look like utter shit. Your eyebags are dark and prominent, your hair disheveled from tossing and turning in your sleep. You look horrendous, but Jaehyun is persistently knocking on your door, so you have no choice but to fix yourself up as fast as you can. You splash water on your face and smoothen down your hair and open the door—then there’s Jaehyun in all his glory. Your heart clenches seeing him; he looks as handsome as always, his bangs fluffy and soft and his letterman jacket fashionably oversized. He looks nothing like you in your ratty T-shirt with coffee stains and pajama shorts. His hand is halfway raised, positioned to knock at your door (he could and would probably do it all day if he had to). Upon seeing you, he blurts out: “Did I do something?”

Instead of answering him, you open your door wider as an invitation, and Jaehyun takes the hint, stepping into your dorm. Once the door is shut, Jaehyun peers at your messy room and remarks, “Wow. When was the last time you cleaned up? You’re usually not like this.”

You know he didn’t mean it like that, but his comment stings at you all the same. “Sorry, Jaehyun,” you snap, “not everyone can be at 200% energy all the time like you.” At his hurt expression, you backtrack. “Sorry, that was really rude of me.”

“It-It’s fine,” Jaehyun replies confusedly. Then he looks straight at you, eyes pleading. He’s picking at the stray thread hanging from his jacket, a habit you’ve come to known is something he does when he’s nervous. “You know what, I thought about it. For days, really, if I did anything that would make you mad and ignore me. But I couldn’t come up with anything at all. I was really worried when you didn’t reply to me for days on end, especially when we talk everyday. So if I did something, can—can you just tell me? I just want us to be okay.”

Your throat closes up and your heart pounds even faster, making you feel dizzy. You have no idea how to answer him, when all he’s ever seen of you is the perfect student who does everything right, who’s smart and good at what they do without any flaws or exceptions. How would he react if he saw you for who you really were?

The words can’t form in your mouth, and out of frustration at yourself, you tear up. Jaehyun notices this, eyes widening in worry, “(y/n), baby, no, no,” and pulls you into his arms. Almost instantly, the tears cascade down your face and sobs wrack your body. You feel pathetic crying in your best friend’s arms, but Jaehyun just soothes a hand up and down your back as you break down. His other arm is wrapped around your shoulders, and it feels like your anchor when you’re drowning in all your troubles. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he says in a hushed tone, “let it all out.” You grip his jacket even tighter as you bury your face in his chest. 

When was the last time you’ve ever been hugged like this? The last time you’ve ever been truly vulnerable to anyone without that mask of perfection you often don? The last time you felt safe just being yourself? You have no idea. All you know that is in the circle of Jaehyun’s arms, you want to be small and imperfect and yourself just this once.

After your cries die down, Jaehyun clears his throat. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I don’t know what it is I did, but I’m so sorry for hurting you.”

“It’s not you, Jaehyun,” your voice is muffled by both your sniffles and Jaehyun’s chest. You don’t want Jaehyun to get the wrong idea that he’s hurt you in some way because of how broken he sounds thinking he’s done something to make you sad. “It’s just. Me.”

“You? What do you mean?” Jaehyun leads you into your room from the doorway. He’s holding your hand and doesn’t let go even when you both settle at the edge of your bed. His palm is warm and his grip loose enough in case you want to let go; you don’t. While you muster up the courage to speak, your best friend just sits there, waiting patiently. “It’s okay, whatever you say, I’m not going anywhere.” You don’t know that for sure, but him saying that makes you want to be truthful just this once, damn the consequences.

You take a deep breath, focusing on your intertwined fingers. You’re too scared to look at his face because you don’t want to see his reaction. “Jaehyun, what kind of person do you think people see me as?”

“Well…” He takes a moment to think about it. “Someone smart, talented, and who gets stuff done?”

In turn, you let out an resigned exhale. “Well, that’s the image I project. Of someone who’s perfect… someone who does things effortlessly. People think it comes easy to me. But it doesn’t. When people tell me that I didn’t need much effort to get to where I am now, I feel undermined. When I express I’m having a hard time, people brush it off and think I’m just overreacting. Because they think I’m perfect all the time. But honestly…? That’s the farthest thing from the truth."

Glancing up from your hands, you scan your room—your desk is a mess of papers and assignments that you have yet to get to. You can’t tell when the last time you spent time being actually productive when what you’ve been is fatigued out of your mind. When you try to sit at your desk and work, all you feel is difficulty concentrating and processing work and readings. Sleep has also proven to be elusive—no matter how long you lie in bed, you never feel well-rested. Simple actions and decisions require so much energy from you that you undeniably lack. You also constantly compare yourself to others, whom things like these come natural to them. But you’ve kept these feelings of yours secret for a long time—you’re utterly terrified that you’d be undermined for being useless and overly sensitive.   

“(Y/n)?” Jaehyun squeezes your hand, and you turn to meet his eyes. His eyes are sincere and kind. “I-I know I may not be the most empathic person, but I promise I’ll hear you out without judging you. I want to be here for you… and I hope you’ll let me. Please?” 

At this, you spill everything you’ve been feeling the past weeks—months, even—to Jaehyun. You stumble over your words and your breath gets caught in your throat, but he’s there to pat your back and to encourage you to keep going. Without you knowing, tears make their way down your face once again, and Jaehyun uses his other hand to gently brush them away. “It just gets so hard that I want to just. Give everything up. I don’t know what the use of trying so hard is when I see how other people don’t need this much effort to do even the most basic of tasks. It’s just so… unfair.”

When you’re finished with your rant, you don’t know what to expect from Jaehyun—but you’re stunned to see him crying. He’s sniffling and wiping at his eyes furiously. “Why…” You have no idea what he’s about to say, but you brace yourself for the worst. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this?” he whispers brokenly. “I didn’t know you were having such a difficult time. I feel like such a shitty friend for not even noticing. I’m sorry, (y/n).” Jaehyun’s eyes fill with tears and he starts “I… I thought we were best friends.” The best friends tell each other everything goes unsaid, but you know exactly what he meant.

“I…” You feel awful now for making Jaehyun cry. “You’re just. You just naturally have all this limitless energy. You’re…” Normal. Not like me. “I don’t know how if you were going to take me seriously if I told you what I was going through… There were times I’d see you, and I’d be so disappointed in myself for not being like you. And I was so scared that if I did tell you, I’d be letting you down.”

Jaehyun’s expression grows more miserable at this. “I-I’m sorry, (y/n), I never meant to make you feel unheard. And I never meant for it to feel like you couldn’t tell me about these things.” 

“It-It’s not your fault, Jaehyun,” you protest, but he shakes his head, obviously disappointed in himself.

“No, (y/n), I’m supposed to be your best friend. How stupid can I be if I can’t notice when you’re having a hard time? I didn’t even stop to ask how you’ve been doing because you seemed to be doing fine. But I should’ve known better. I shouldn’t have taken things at face value. I’m such an idiot,” Jaehyun berates himself. “I’m so, so sorry.” 

At his sincere apology, you can’t help but admit it to yourself—you desperately needed Jaehyun’s support as your best friend, but you were too scared to ask for it. And honestly? You felt immensely lonely without his words and presence to comfort you. 

“(Y/n), I hope you know that I see how hard you work. I know your sleepless nights and how much effort you put into every single thing you do. Despite everything you’re going through, you’re always trying to be better than the person you were yesterday, and it’s something I truly admire about you. But I hope you know it’s okay to be imperfect and flawed and to not be okay. I want to be here on your good and bad days. I just wish I could’ve been more vocal about this earlier… I’ve really taken you for granted, huh?” Jaehyun sighs wetly, taking your hand in both of his. He’s still crying; you both are, actually. What a silly pair the two of you make. 

“Thank you for trusting me and sharing all of this. It literally means the world to me,” Jaehyun rambles. “I promise I’ll be a better friend to you, someone you feel safe opening up to about anything, whether that be your achievements or your struggles. And (y/n), if it’s not too much to ask… Could I ask you to be more honest with me in the future?” He stares at you imploringly. “I don’t want you to think you have to go through all of this alone. I want to be here for you the same way you’ve always been there for me… Okay?”

“....Okay. Okay, I’ll try,” you respond softly. “Thank you, Jaehyun. I… I’ve never told anyone about this before. But thank you so much for just listening, and not judging, and accepting me for me…” While you appreciate Jaehyun’s presence at this moment, a new wave of fatigue washes over you with all this emotional vulnerability and talking. “Jaehyun… I’m still feeling really tired, so I might go back to sleep. Sorry, I know you came all the way here to see me, but here I am being shit company,” you apologize regretfully.

“Oh! That’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Jaehyun stands up from your bed to leave. When your fingers slip from each other, you feel an acute loss of warmth—both in your hands and in your heart. He makes his way to the door, slipping on his shoes, and your heart sinks. There’s something you badly want to ask of Jaehyun, but you’re too much of a coward to tell him what you truly want. You don’t want to be on your own right now, but you’d probably be asking too much of him. Accepting your fate, you settle in bed, attempting to take a nap so restless you’re sure will be of no help to your exhaustion.

However, Jaehyun himself stops in the doorway. He turns back around, a distraught look on his face. “(Y/n)... I don’t want to assume, but are you sure you want to be alone right now?” he begins. “I mean, we just had this really heavy talk. Can… Can I keep you company? I promise I’m great at cuddles—that’s what all my other friends say anyway when I annoy them with my hugs.”

When you nod, that’s all it takes for Jaehyun to shuck off his shoes, strip his jacket, and climb into bed with you. With your ear against his steady heartbeat and his comforting arm around you, you’re asleep in no time. It’s the best you’ve ever slept in months.

[eimids]

Worst enemy part 2

Arsenal x reader

(Okay but leah in this photo is the cutest)

Warnings: talk about suicide, depression, but reader getting better

Words: around 2k?

You woke up in the comfortable bed. You didn’t want to open your eyes tho. You didn’t want to face the reality of life and yesterday’s events. So you just laid in there. You could feel Leah’s arm wrapped around you and her other hand stroking your hair.

Unbeknownst to you, Leah knew you were awake, she sensed the stiffness of your body when you woke up. She didn’t say anything because she wanted to take things at your pace.

The day before when you had asked for help, you cried in Leah’s arms for hours before falling asleep in her arms. Leah then sent some messages to Kim. They talked about contacting the team management and Jonas so they could get you the help you needed. Kim would sort all of that out for you so you didn’t have to stress about that.

“Good morning sweet girl” Leah said gently when she noticed you stirring.

“Mhmm” You just mumbled back. Not having the energy to actually answer. Leah understood though. She let you wake up slowly taking your time.

“Are you ready to wake up properly and talk about yesterday?” Leah asked after a while.

“Not really but I guess I’ll have to?” You answered after a while.

“Yea, I know it’s going to be hard for you but it’s for the best. Your gonna get the help you need to manage your depression and me and all of the other teammates will be here for you every step of the way” Leah said and continued stroking your hair. It made you a bit calmer.

“Wait do they all know about this?” You asked when Leah’s words settled in. You didn’t want all of them to know.

“No don’t worry. Even though they wouldn’t judge you about this. But no, Alessia was the first one to talk to me and Kim about this. Then Beth and Viv came to talk cause they were worried. Then lastly McCabe. They were all worried about your wellbeing and wanted to help. Others don’t know about your history with depression but most of them have noticed that something is going on with you.” Leah answered you. You just nodded your head. Not fully grasping everything that was said to you.

“So you know about what happened at Manu?” You asked quietly.

“Yeah, but that won’t change how I see you as a person. You are an amazing person and a fantastic footballer and your past doesn’t change it in the least” Leah answered trying to convince you.

“So what happens now?” You asked next after a silent moment.

“Well Kim has contacted the team management and they have called the psychiatrist at the team. You’re gonna have a meeting with her and they’ll probably want you to start medication and therapy again. That helped last time right?”

“Yeah it made things better for a while before it all fell apart again” You answered. Almost starting to cry again. Just so exhausted about everything.

Leah stayed quiet for a while before she asked you about what she was wondering all night.

“Where were you yesterday? We were all worried about you and I was really worried that you might have- um” Leah started but couldn’t say the words. She didn’t want to believe the chance that you left to kill yourself.

You stayed quiet. It seemed too hard to admit the things that were so dark. But then you started to explain

You started to explain how you had left the hotel in a very bad mental state. A state where you definitely shouldn’t have been alone. You didn’t know where you were going. Wandering around the streets. At one point you could hear sounds of a train. That grabbed your attention.

You were walking towards that noice. You didn’t know if you were actually going to jump in front of a train or was it just to calm you down. Just the thought that you could do it, made you feel better. You sat close to the rails for a while before hearing the next train coming. You pondered your options. You could do it and finally make everything stop. Or you could fight just like you did couple years ago.

The train came closer and closer before it went past you. Then you don’t even really remember how you ended back to the hotel.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you or make you worried” You said while crying.

“You have nothing to apologize for. Now we’re going to get you some help.” Leah whispered.

Two weeks later you had started your medication and therapy. Your teammates kept their promises about being by your side during all this. Although the meds hadn’t yet started working, you were slowly getting better. Just having your teammates know about your situation and helping you with basic tasks like grocery shopping and cooking helped a lot.

Your therapist said that it would be the best if you didn’t live by yourself during this time so Alessia offered to take you living with her. She had a spare bedroom and wanted to look out for you. Leah, Viv or Beth (or all of them) would often come hang out with you since they couldn’t train properly yet due to their ACL injuries. Leah wasn’t much of a cook (or at all) but her company was nice. Even in those moments where I didn’t have energy to even talk she would just hug you and watch your favorite series. Viv loved to play board games with you. It was nice and quiet, just like you wanted. Beth was a mom, she made sure you always had something easy to eat and some water close by, she would even make sure you have taken your meds.

Some days were harder, some easier, sometimes you couldn’t get out of bed but someone was always there for you. You had been pulled out of training for at least a month before the meds would start working. After that you were allowed back on training if everything went well.

“Less can we go for a walk?” You asked your friend one night when it was just the two of you.

The older blonde was not expecting to hear that sentence from your mouth. You had barely had the energy to talk for a while and now you wanted to go for a walk. She was so happy that you were getting better again.

“Yeah of course we can! Let me just grab a hoodie and we can go. Do you need anything? Should you eat before we go?” Less started fussing over you.

“No i’m good, let’s just have a nice little walk” You answered her. And that you did. You went and got your favorite snacks to have a movie night. Although you ended up falling asleep head on her lap very soon after the movie started.

A Month later you were doing better again. You had more energy and were enrolled in training again. You weren’t yet playing at games and probably wouldn’t for a while but even getting back to just training was a big step for you.

Obviously your depression wasn’t cured and you still struggled but things were looking better for you.

“Y/l/n, come here you stupid” You heard Katie yell at you. You ran to her on the pitch with confused look.

“Why haven’t you told us that your birthday is in couple of weeks?” She asked you.

To be honest you weren’t sure in the beginning if you would make it to your twenties. You completely forgot about your birthday trying to just get better.

“Oh I haven’t even realized” You answered half truthfully.

“Well we gotta celebrate! Oh we’re going to have a big party for you! Lotte! Let’s throw a party” She yelled and ran to Lotte. It made you laugh. A real laugh. You hadn’t laughed in a while and actually been happy without feeling guilty about it. Now you were just enjoying the moment with your teammate on the pitch.

“I’m so happy she’s getting better” Leah said to the blonde next to her.

“Me too, I have been so worried about her getting better and now that she has I just feel so relieved” Alessia said back. They smiled to each other before walking to you.

“We’re proud of you kid, you’ve come a long way”

—

I don’t know if this is a bit boring ending but what ever.

[lemoncherrypop]

To Build a Home

seventeen x harry potter au

deatheater!seungcheol x gryffindorprincess!readersummary: The war has finally come and your entire world falls into ruin. After a surprise attack from the Death Eaters, you barely escape with your life and find refuge in a faraway safe house. Everything would have been fine, all things considered, except for the fact that you had fallen right into the snake’s pit.notes: hello :'))) i am back from the dead. i can not apologize enough for the three year hiatus. i went through some family stuff, some mental breakdowns, and also just life in general made me not want to write anymore. but all the messages and comments I've gotten throughout the years have been so heart warming and touching. your words of support have genuinely made me want to get back into this again, so thank you thank you thank you. all your likes, comments and shares really kept me going, sometimes I felt like I was writing into the void, but knowing that others read and enjoyed my story was a very validating and heartwarming feeling. again, I am SOOO sorry for the extremely late update, but if you are still around, I hope you will enjoy this next chapter! i love you all <3P.S if you prefer AO3 viewing, it will be linked in my Series Masterlist :) word count: 4.3k

Series Masterlist

One l Two l Three l Four l Five l Six l coming soon...

Chapter Five

//

The bed is warm when you wake up, but you can not move.

“If you try to get up, I will incarcerous your ass.”

The air smells bitter and burnt, and it makes you want to gag at how strong it weighs in the air. Blinking past the candlelights, you find Jean sitting in a chair next to your bed.

Groaning, you try and curl your fingers, but you find yourself unable to. Not even needing to look down, you could feel the thick bandages wrapped around your whole chest and the entire length of your left arm.

“Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t,” you grumble, voice feeling raw and dry in your throat. “What the fuck did you do to me?”

“What did I do to you?” 

“I can’t fucking move!”

“I bloody well put you back together in one piece!” Jean snapped and you can’t remember the last time you’ve seen so much anger in your friend’s eyes. “You nearly got yourself killed, and you’re complaining about a couple of bandages?!”

“A couple is enough to render me completely useless?!”

“You’re not useless.” Jean rolls her eyes. “You’re just forced into recuperation.”

“Well, it’d be fucking nice if I could at least scratch my nose.” You scrunch your nose unpleasantly.

“Your right arm still works, you know.”

“Oh.” You blink. “Right.”

Jean sighs deeply and goes back to focusing on something on your night table. Feeling awkward, you stretch out your right arm the best you can and reach up to scratch the itch on the bridge of your nose.

“What’s that?” You point at the stack of small withered leather pouches and tiny vials of potions.

She lets out a grunt of frustration. “It’s your medicine. You lost so much blood, I thought you turned into a bloody ghost.”

“Well, blame that on—”

“It’s both of your faults,” Jean cuts you off with a sharp glare. “Don’t go blaming Seungcheol when you put him in an equally bad position.”

You can’t help but smirk at the news. “He strapped down onto his bed just like me?”

Glass bottles click and clatter as Jean slams down your medicine. “Wake up! This was all meant for training, not to cut each other’s throats and bleed each other dry.”

Rolling your eyes, you turn away to avoid her glare. “Did you give him the same lecture?”

“I’m serious, can’t you just listen to me?” 

“It’d be nice to not, but I don’t think I have a choice.”

She scoffs. “We’re not at school anymore. There’s no more petty house rivalry, no house points to fight over, or exams to stress over. We’re on the same side of the war, we can’t keep fighting with the boys.”

“Don’t be a fool.” You snap back at her with furrowed brows. “You want me to trust these boys? Thought you were supposed to be the smart one—”

A click— the door opens and Wonwoo walks in as if he were coming in like routine.

“Ah,” he says in quiet surprise. “You’re up?”

A brow quirks. “What are you doing in my room?”

Jean clicks her tongue and goes back to refilling your medication.

He holds up an amber glass bottle. “To heal you back into a functioning human.”

You place your good arm under the back of your head and prop yourself up a little to get a better view of your two housemates.

“Jean’s already got my medicine here.” You nod over to the glass vials on your night table.

“Yes, but this one—” Wonwoo holds it closer to your face, the clear glass has no label but contains a sticky, thick liquid. “—is for those cuts that Seungcheol gave you.”

“Of course,” you groan, rolling your eyes. “Even the cuts he gave me aren’t ordinary. I need a special potion just for that?”

Wonwoo takes a seat at the end of your bed. “You lost a lot of blood.”

“A lot.” Jean glowers.

“Stop worrying,” you chide. “I feel fine!” You cough, embarrassingly, your throat still raw and dry.

“Fine my fucking arse,” Jean curses, and you know she’s truly mad because when was the last time your friend has ever cursed? “Fine isn’t being completely incapacitated for days. I had no idea when you would even wake up.”

“Wait a sec—” Your forehead wrinkles as your face contorts into confusion. “How long have I been out?”

“Only three days,” Wonwoo sighs, and uncorks the bottle in his hand. “He’s just as immobile as you, thought you’d be interested to know.”

“That is good to know.” You can’t help the grin spreading on your face. Jean’s scowl only deepens.

A cup is conjured out of thin air, and Wonwoo pours some of the amber liquid into it. “This is going to be hard to swallow, but drink the whole thing, okay?” He hands you the cup.

It looks even darker in the cup and moves like molasses. “And what is this supposed to help with? All the blood that I lost?”

“It’s to make sure your wounds heal completely,” Jeans explains. “Unfortunately… you won’t be able to get rid of the scars, but at least they’ll be completely closed.”

“That spell he used on you…” Wonwoo says quietly, his face looking serious as he tries to word it properly in his head before saying it out loud. “It’s— it’s not a spell to take lightly. Obviously, it would have been best to use the counterspell right after you got hit, but you continued fighting—”

“Absolute blockheads, the both of you!”

“— and the lacerations only went deeper and deeper as they spread. It’ll take a few days of rest before you’re fully healed, but just hold your nose when you take the potion because it—”   

“Tastes like fucking shit!” You gag.

“— tastes pretty awful…”

//

Mandatory bed rest for the rest of the week.

Those were the orders from apparently everyone else in the house. Sneaking out was not an option because there was a spell that made the entire house ring when you tried to sneak out. It was equally both embarrassing and frustrating, seeing as how you couldn’t even take a piss without having Jean come over to help you over to the bathroom.

The only good thing about being imprisoned inside your own room was Wonwoo’s cup of tea. 

He brought you a cup of tea every morning. Earl grey. Always piping hot, and with just enough cream and sugar to make anyone else’s tongue curl from the sweetness.

It was the perfect cup of tea.

The damn snake was slowly creeping his way up your ladder that goes from enemies to acquaintances to just barely being friends. He was still low on the ladder though, just marginally above the other snakes.

But the cup of tea did nothing to make you feel any better. Any less useless.

The wounds have healed completely when you finished up the rest of the amber liquid, and the bandages were finally all released with permission from Wonwoo and Jean, but no one allowed you back into another round of dueling. Not yet at least. They all said it's because you needed more time to get better, but you knew it was because they all thought you weren’t mentally stable enough to go back.

“You almost died!” You remember wincing in pain when Jean readjusted your bandages. 

No matter how many times you insisted that you were feeling better and thinking more clearly, she stayed firm in her decision. 

“Not. Yet.”

You can only hope that the same was happening to Seungcheol.

//

Minghao sips on his glass and the candlelight illuminates the grimace on his face. “This is not what I meant when I said they wouldn’t be able to keep their hands off each other.”

“I was hoping they’d just fuck each other’s brains out,” Mingyu shrugs. “But I guess this is another way of them taking their anger out on each other.”

“How could you joke like that when they both nearly died?” Trinh scowls, smacking the back of his head for the comment.

“Hey!” Mingyu rubs his head with a groan. “You think I wanted that to happen? I nearly shit myself when I saw the amount of blood in here!” He shudders dramatically. “But they’re both healed now, yeah?”

“Doesn’t make the situation any better.” Trinh tiredly rubs her eyes. “We can never pair them up again for training. I refuse to clean up that much blood again.”

“The reality is,” Minghao sighs, reaching over to pet her hair. “They fucking hate each other. I’m sure they’ll find another excuse to get into another bloody fight.”

“As much as I hated the fight as well, I can’t say that I’m not surprised.” Mingyu sighs. “This was a fight years in the making. We put those two together without any supervision of the professors, and what did we expect? Sunshine and chocolate frogs?”

“Their fighting in Hogwarts was child’s play compared to this,” Trinh groans, looking more tired by the second.

She shifts in her chair just enough for her to lean her head on Minghao’s shoulder, and he suddenly laughs. “Remember that time he spiked her ale with some babbling beverage right before potions class?”

A light chuckle comes from Mingyu. “Or that time she used locomotor mortis right before he leaned in for his first kiss with that Gryffindor girl and he fell right into her breasts?”

Minghao throws his head back with a loud snort. “Then there was that brilliant prank where he charmed her quill to write everything backwards during our O.W.L.S!”

“See? I’m telling you, they just need to fuck.” Mingyu lays his finger on the table to make his point. “They’ve already beat each other bloody.”

Minghao’s laughter slowly fades until his smile is no more, and reaches for his glass again. “Yeah, but he’s not the same boy as before.” He takes a final swig and downs the whole drink. “He’s changed.”

“We’ve all changed.”

Their heads all snap up to see Wonwoo standing at the end of their table. Minghao grimaces, and all traces of laughter have disappeared from his face. Looking forlornly into his half-empty glass, Mingyu stays silent as well.

“Done drinking for tonight?” He asks the trio, looking just as solemn as his crew of snakes.

Trinh throws her head back to finish hers and slams it back on the table. “Now I am.” 

Mingyu holds up an empty glass for Wonwoo in offerance. “How are they doing? Still, being stubborn?

Wonwoo declines with a shake of his head and sits down to join them. “I don’t know what I expected from either of them,” he sighs. “She’s still fighting tooth and nail to get out of the room, and Seungcheol’s… well, you know how he gets when he’s moody.”

“Got the temper of a five-year-old.” Trinh shakes her head.

“But thankfully the medications are working well,” Wonwoo continues. “Wounds are pretty much all healed. I still think they need more time to mentally recover from their fight.”

“I’ve got high hopes for the Princess, but Seungcheol? Like that stubborn dickhead has any space in his thick skull to even comprehend how to do that.”

“Mingyu.” Wonwoo places a firm grip on his shoulder. “We’ve got to do something. He can’t keep going on like this, he’s only going to get worse.”

“Well, what do you suggest then?” Mingyu snaps. “Like he’ll listen to any of us. 

Minghao’s expression is grim. “I’m afraid the only way he’ll get any better is if he is dead, my friend.”

//

Days and weeks flew by in the cottage and the house was slowly coming into action once again. Mingyu and Jean were still flirting around in every room, Trinh could be found giggling away with Minghao whilst pretending to not care about anyone else. 

And yet, you haven’t exchanged a single word with Seungcheol. It was harder than you expected, pretending like someone doesn’t exist under the same roof as you, but you were determined to see past him like a ghost. Unsurprisingly, he had shown you the same courtesy. Seungcheol even ate his meals alone in his room or in the room down in the basement.

Walking around the house post near-death-fight was an even bigger pain than before. There was an unspoken mutual agreement between the two of you, and that was to be completely oblivious to each other’s existence. Although the entire household was pushing for the both of you to make amends, it was clear that they have all underestimated both your stubbornness. You bet you could go months, maybe even years, pretending like Seungcheol didn’t exist within the same home as you.

While the lack of contact with the miserable imp was nice, the tension still weighed heavy in the air, and you knew it was beginning to suffocate the others as well. But as much as you felt bad for your housemates, they were the ones who forced you into this whole situation in the first place.

And so, he continued to act as if you were nothing but an echo in the hallways. He didn’t even sneer or frown, or show any physical signs of threats or discomfort. He simply acted as if you didn’t exist.

And you were fine with that.

Until, well, everyone else wasn’t.

//

The night hung heavy, and the moon cast a haunting glow on the house as you readied for sleep. You were seconds away from slipping under your covers when a timid knock echoed from your door. Wearily, you trudged over to answer, revealing a Wonwoo poised to knock again.

“Wonwoo?”

“Hi.”

“Can I help you?”

Wonwoo’s arms fall to his sides, his body rigid and expression wavering with hesitance. It was clear from his eyes that he was unsure of his presence at your door, especially at this late hour.

The past few weeks have admittedly been easier with the help of Wonwoo’s presence. He took care of you in little ways that you did not expect. He brought medicine with a cup of hot tea on the side for you every day. He would accompany you in silent book readings in the common room, discreetly sitting across from you in your favorite armchair to keep you company. And whenever you felt yourself about to be overcome with anxiety, somehow, almost miraculously, Wonwoo would appear to chase that sinking feeling of fear in your chest away.

Most times, he would ask if you’d like to accompany him in some tasks, like baking muffins for breakfast the next day, or flying on the broomsticks to help clean up the roof, or even picking flowers outside to make bouquets around the cottage.

Other times, he would make you a cup of tea and simply just sit by your side. He would make small talk if you felt like talking, but if you didn’t, he would just sit in silence with you. Sometimes, you would sit in silence for so long that your tea would grow cold, but by the time you noticed, Wonwoo had already gotten up to make you a fresh cup of tea to replace the cold one in your hands.

He had such a keen sense of your anxieties, you wondered if it was because he had the same fears as you.

A heavy sigh escapes you, heart feeling pity for the boy who has diligently stayed by your side everyday since the duel. “What is it?” Your voice is soft, speaking low to not be heard by others. “I was just about to go to sleep.”

“Oh— I’ll come back another night then—”

“Nonsense. Come inside.”

“I… I don’t want to take up too much of your time…”

“You spent the past three weeks putting me back together. You are allowed some of my time.”

He still seems hesitant. A jitteriness that was now making you nervous.

“What is it?” You ask in a tense whisper. “Did you get any news? Has someone else—”

“No! No, not at all,” He waves his hands quickly, immediately banishing the thought of losing yet another classmate. “I just— well, I’m not sure if this may come as a shock to you, but you must know that your fight with Seungcheol is making everyone else in the house deeply uncomfortable—”

You let out a deep sigh of relief.  “Is this what you came in the middle of the night for?” Turning your back on him, you wave your hand back, motioning for him to leave your room. “Go to bed, Wonwoo.”

He grabs your left hand, making you halt in your tracks. Turning to face him, you saw the strain etched into his expression. His other hand pauses for a second before reaching over to pull up your sleeve. “Look at what's happened to you.”

Your hand whips out of his and you bring the sleeve down in a defensive rage. “What are you here for, Wonwoo?” You demand this time.

He gathers in a shaky breath as if he were afraid to speak another word out loud. “Have you ever heard of that spell?” His voice drops to a whisper, making sure that you are the only one that can hear him. “That was dark magic, nothing like what we were ever taught in school. Who do you think taught him that spell?”

“You think I care where you learned all your demented spells from?”

“Well you should! I know there’s been a difficult history between our houses, but we’re all here together now. We’re all classmates here, why can’t you just—”

“Just what? Want me to pretend like everythings okay? Like the outside world isn’t burning up all around us? Want me to forget what he’s done to me?”

“I’m not asking for you to forgive him or any of us, but I am asking you to just… accept the situation that we’re all in. Whether you like it or not, we are on the same side now.”

“Acceptance doesn’t come that easily, it’s something to be earned.”

His face falls.  “Haven’t I?” Wonwoo’s eyes turn soft, yearning and desperate. “I was hoping that— that at least I am…”

Your heart clenches with guilt. “No… you’re right.” Shaking your head, you reach over to grab his hands in yours. “You’ve— you’ve been a great friend to me the past few weeks, and I can’t ever deny that, it wouldn’t be fair to you.”

His shoulders relax, and he gently returns your grasp. Giving him a faint smile, you guide him into your room as he quietly closes the door behind him. Taking a seat together on your bed, facing each other, a sense of solemnity settles between you.

“This situation in the house…” Wonwoo’s voice is still cautious. “I felt like I needed to come to you, and tell you… if you and Seungcheol continue on this way, it will break us all apart.”

You resist the urge to roll your eyes.

“People are starting to walk on eggshells around here, and it’s because of you two.”

“Did you give him the same talk, or are you just lecturing me?” You snap, unable to hold down your annoyance at how everyone’s been treating you since the duel. That loathsome fuck was the one who almost killed you, and yet everyone’s coming to you to try and make amends?

“Oh, trust me,” Wonwoo almost chuckles. “He’s getting lectured by both Mingyu and Hao. You got the lucky end of the stick.”

You bit back a smile at that.

“But you know it’s true. We have to split up with dueling practice, we don’t gather anymore to hear Jun’s nightly news, and we just eat our meals separately now. There needs to be some unity between us in order for us to work together.”

A bitter laugh escapes you. “Since when did you become so pragmatic?”

“I’ve always been,” he responds in exasperation. “I might be friends with those idiots, but don’t lump me in with their antics.”

“You’ve revealed your true self to me six years too late,” You say wryly. 

Wonwoo reaches over to grasp your hands again. “I know, and that’s exactly why I refuse to let this chance slip away.” His look is so serious, your smile drops. “Besides, haven’t you ever noticed? I was always the one to pull the boys out of the fights.”

You pause, genuinely considering his words. “I can’t say I have.”

Wonwoo scoffs lightly. “Course not. Your attention was always elsewhere.”

“Like where?” You raise a brow.

“You know where,” he raises a brow back at you. “But now your attention is needed here. I came here because I need you to understand.”

“Understand what, Wonwoo.” Frustration starts to build. “That we’re all in this together now? That we aren’t enemies anymore because we’re fighting on the same side? I get it,” Your voice is dripping with sarcasm. “I still hate the bloody ass, but we’re stuck in this damned house for the same reason.”

The corner of his lips quirk up. “Glad to see that you’re not in denial anymore, but it’s important you know why we ran away in the first place.”

“Because your malevolent Dark Lord is out there murdering people left and right?”

“You’re not wrong,” he says, his eyes darkening. “Believe me when I say that even his most devoted followers feared him. It might have seemed like we were just taking Dark Magic lessons from the Death Eaters, but we were prisoners there. We— we were taught all these different ways to torture, sometimes even forced—”

Your face contorts in confusion, a sick feeling starting to settle in your stomach. “Have you ever…”

“Never.” He shuts you down before you could finish your question. “But… we came close a few times.”

Your hands draw away from his as a chill runs down your spine. Wonwoo looks ashamed, his hands clenched into fists.

“They trained us to be like them. They wanted us to just be another soldier. They taught us how to fight, how to torture, how to kill. They tried to poison our minds.”

A familiar panic starts to fill in his eyes, and guilt washes over you. The fear you’ve developed since running away from the Death Eaters was nothing in comparison to what he went through. How could anyone come out of that normal?

“They made us watch every night. We watched every single muggle, muggle-born or “traitor” be tortured until death. The Death Eaters were creative for sure, I watched some of their bodies be twisted in ways they shouldn’t and others lose their sanity. And on nights where the Eaters had a bit too much to drink, they would make us test the curses out on each other.”

A silence falls on your face, horror-stricken.

“One night… I saw him, Seokmin’s father. I recognized him from the platform before boarding the train. Seokmin looked just like him, the same eyes and smile… I had no idea he was a Muggle. I tried to help him escape.”

Your hands finds his again, gripping his fingers, apologetic for pulling away in the first place. The panic slowly rising in Wonwoo’s eyes.

“I had no idea he was a muggle,” he repeats, the pained look in his eyes begging you to believe him. “I thought we were almost out, but I got caught. Cicero— he was the one who caught me.”

His fingers felt cold in your hands.

“That was the last time I saw his father,” he murmurs. “And Cicero took me away.”

He pulls one hand up to his buttons on his shirt, a slight tremble as he starts to undo them. “Right here,” he guides one of your hands up to the center of his chest. “Is where I have the same scars as you.”

Your heart shatters at the revelation.

He laughs bitterly as you trail your fingers down his disfigured skin. “We all have them. Mingyu has them on his chest as well. Minghao is growing his hair longer to hide the ones on his back, and Seungcheol…” he shakes his head.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper. “I never knew… I never imagined… the things you’ve been through,” your words fracture, not knowing what to say.

He’s back to smiling, a maddening reassurance you know he’s trying to give you despite the panic still in his eyes.

“Jean and I may have mended you back together, but Seungcheol cast the counterspell. He’s the one that saved you.”

“Seungcheol? But he’s the one who—”

“I know,” he nods. “He’s the one who used it on you in the first place, but when you were bleeding out in the common room, shirt torn apart and lifeless, it woke something back up in him.”

You shook your head, not saying anything. You didn’t want to believe him, but there was a quiet stirring in your head.

“He was the Dark Lord’s favorite. He trained the most out of all of us, the Dark Lord wanted to use him for his plans, and after months and months of enduring his training… he just couldn’t take it anymore.”

Tears start welling up in his eyes, his voice a mere whisper. “Something inside him… just snapped.” A tear falls from his face. “He didn’t want to kill the headmaster, but he had no choice. He had to. My closest friend is broken now because of it, and— and I don’t know how to fix him.”

Your chest crumples at the sight before you.

“He’s made the Unbreakable Vow.” Wonwoo reveals. “I needed you to understand. He just wanted to live.”

[superluver]

hiiii hope ur having a good day there, if ur requests are open, can i request suguru (suguru after premature death) with non sorcerer reader, she thought he saved her but he just wanted to get a curse from her, but then he falls for her

basically geto falling for ‘monkey’ reader ^^^ and him having an(other) existential crisis,

hope this makes sense T.T and thank u!! <3

Geto. S. - Cursed

Pairing: Geto Suguru x Reader

SORRY FOR THE WAIT ☹️☹️ If this wasn't what u were looking for (which i feel it isnt) message me again and i'll do it again, 🙏🙏

Cw: angst-ish to fluff, Mentions of murder, mental health, FEMreader, Mimiko and Nanako, a lot of monkey calling, domestic suguru

Wc: 1.6k

Description: You're cursed and Suguru wants it. Suguru having internal conflict

BEFORE YOU READ: this doesnt pertain to the story but i swearrrrr in the gojo x reader following a lot of spam has been posted please dont forget to report it

“If you’re trying to enter the building, you have to go through the back.”

Your voice is bland, tired, uninterested.. Suguru can go on and on about the monkey’s voice in front of him. He was still staring at you, though his line of vision was more like what was beside you, something that you couldn’t see. You were leaning onto a fence in an alleyway that connected your office building to the next one over, elbow and forearm holding your balance.

He stays unchanging, smiling while staring you down. It was seemingly innocent, with a hint of menacing. Suguru wanted to kill you, he thought about it really hard; The guy had been watching you for weeks now.

It was hard to not notice the curse attached to you, any sorcerer could feel its cursed energy from all of Japan. It was intense, and rightfully so.

This was a special grade, and he had to be the one to have it.

You never even glanced at him, a burning cigarette in between your lips. Hey, maybe you’d get murdered by some handsome weirdo.. that wouldn’t be so bad, right?

“Hey, if you’re going to kill me can you hurry up with it.”

Again, your voice is so tired.

This time, you finally turn your head to face him, and he finds his smile faltering. So similar to his when he was younger. Defeated, tired, and no one knew.

No one cared to find out further, and who could he even talk to? Shoko was out practicing her Reversal Cursed Technique, his juniors were still experiencing the world, and Satoru has become the strongest on his own.

So he was on his own, until he finally broke.

But, you were a monkey. What would you know about hard work. What would you know about sacrifice?

Afterall, you’re just a monkey.

Yet, he finds himself faltering. He just couldn’t kill you, and the curse beside you began pulsating. Not to mention the fact that you never questioned his monk attire.

“What,” he stutters, throat going dry. His voice is cracking, so he pauses , licking his lips before resuming. Was is always this hard to talk with a monkey? “What’s your name?” He asked you.

Your eyes inspected him, and he takes note that you haven't puffed the cigarette yet.

“You gonna smoke that?”

He doesn't know why, but the anger wells up inside of him once more. Maybe the two of you weren’t so similar after all. Smoking was something he did to cope, and now look at you, doing it for show.

“I don’t wanna smoke when someone’s talking to me, ‘s rude..” you slur, pulling out the half burned cig and pressing it down on the ash tray.

He feels his heart pang, and a mixture of emotions flood through him. How unusual, he’s never felt like this before, not even in his Highschool years.

“It’s (L/N), (Y/N). By the way.” You inform, the last but coming out weakly in whisper.

“Is that so?” He mumbles, watching you fumble into your jacket, pulling out a half empty box and flicking it open. You extend your arm out, holding the box open, and he feels his world become distorted.

Almost like a lullaby, feeling like a kid again. The world he sees is full of color, then dark, only in black and white, then nothing at all, and now he’a seeing you, the only thing with color in this monkey-ridden world. And now, back to all black and white, execpt you, now full of color.

He wonders if this has something to due with the curse on you. It’s hugging you hightly, like a snake. It’s thin, hugging your breasts, wrapped around your neck, ready to kill you, but he doesn’t want that.

Suguru blinks, time resuming as normal as he utters a thanks, taking it and using the lighter you hand out right after.

“I haven’t smoked since I was a teenager,” he confesses, and he doesn’t know why he felt the need to say that, to a monkey at that.

“Really? How’d you stop?” You ask, genuinely curious. You’d been trying to quit for years, but with the things life has been throwing at you, you think you’d end up smoking yourself to death.

Suguru glances around, thinking hard, “I decided to do what I wanted to do.” And it’s true, he decided to follow his heart and exterminate monkeys for a living. It brings him joy.

“And what’s that?” You ask him, fully intrigued with he’s talking about. He gulps, staring down at you, biting his tongue he furrows his eyebrows ag you. The damn curse, it’s doing this to him.

He grabs your wrist, staring at you darkly, and you think this is where he’ll kill you.

But he doesn't.

He covers your eyes with his large palm, and it’s unusually calloused, more than the average worker. He does it gently, despite his dark expression. Your line of sight is completely darkened, and suddenly, you feel weightless.

He didn’t kill you— he wouldn’t kill you.

“Ge— Suguru. Suguru, could you help me here?” You call him from the bedroom.

He’s 22 years old and has been living with you for two. Peering his head in, he watches you struggle in holding the matress cover down to pull it over on the other side.

“It won’t stay!” You groan, watching the other side pop out. He chuckles, walking to the opposite corner of the bed and pulling it down under it.

It feels oddly domestic when he’s with you.

When the four of you hang out, you holding the girls hands while he walks behind you three, it feels like he’s with his family.

Though sometimes he feels like he sees Satoru—

“Suguru?” You call him, your face close to his own. He catches himself holding his breath when you near, ‘monkey’ he finds his mind calling you.

His hands go to your cheeks, thumbs stroking your cheeks. Your lips part, observing his solemn facial expression. His eyes seem so.. so lonely. “What’s wrong?”

His rough hands trail down your face now, loosely around your neck. Thumb stroking your throat, applying small pressure. “I could kill you right now.” He mumbles, and the voice in his head is shouting at him, manipulating him.

All monkeys.

That’s right. When did he stray so far off from his goal? When did he stop trying to fulfill his dream?

The perfect world he was going to create, just for sorcerers. A world where his best friend didn’t have to work like a dog, a work where they could just be people. A world where peace was the only way.

It was probably when he met you.

“But you won't. Well, I hope you won't!” You chuckle sheepishly. Your fingers taking his from your neck, holding them to your lips. “You saved me in ways that you could never even imagine.” You murmur, his half lidded eyes staring down at you, at that curse he still hasn't stolen.

He didn’t save you. He stole you. Suguru Geto is a selfish man, and no better than Gojo, he’ll do whatever he can to have something. That something is you.

The curse doesn't matter to him anymore, he just wants you. He wants to rid you of this curse that hangs on you.

He’s tried, but it seems to be feeding off of you. He would have to kill you to get it, but he can't, he won't, he refuses.

He finds the words slipping out of his mouth, he can't control himself anymore.

“I love you.”

You blink, eyes wide as you replay his words.

Those three words.

“Ah..”

“I’m sorry, (Y/N). I’m sorry.. I’m sorry..” he confesses, enveloping you in a hug. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to feel that he’s crying. The way his large back trembles in your hold. “It’s alright, don’t cry now.” You whisper, stroking his hair. “I love you very much.”

Your voice feels so quiet, and you don't think your words even reached him but when he squeezes you, pulling you even closer to him, trying to become one, you know he got it.

“Thank you, Suguru.” You thank gratefully, chin on his shoulder. “Thank you for giving me a family, thank you for giving me somewhere to belong.”

“Thank you.”

You don't even remember how the two of you ended up on the floor, holding each other while the bed stays unmade. A single pillow the both of you shared while snoozing on the ground.

Nanako and Mimiko peer into the room, heads poking in to see your laying figures. How scared they got when they grew near, thinking something happened to the two of you. But when they see your chests rise and fall, they rest easy.

Though, their gazes stayed more with your figure. Your curse was gone, no longer attached to you.

Nanako grabs her phone, a limited one only for phone calls and photos(given to her by Suguru) and snaps a couple photos of you, some serious, and some zoomed in on your faces.

Mimiko returns back, dragging a blanket from the couch and draping it over the two of you, giving you both a kiss on the cheek.

“C’mon, Nana.” Mimiko says, taking hold of her twin's hand and walking out the dimly lit room.

They should be the one’s thanking the two of you, for giving them parents that they never had.

[chaosduckies]

Restoration (Chapter 8)

A bunch of scenes because why not? On another note, it is extremely hard to write a scene in winter when it’s the middle of April. I hope you enjoy anyhow! Because now I’m really getting into the plot.

Word Count: 5.9k

CW: Death, crying, vague thoughts of suicide, severe trauma, (anything else idk??)

8-Ryker

It was Thanksgiving break. The first official break from school until Christmas. Words could not describe how grateful I was for the week-long break. There was no reason to have so much work piled up a couple weeks before the end of first semester. 

I was laying in my bed on my phone. It was about to turn six, which meant I should probably get started on dinner, but I just couldn’t bring myself to climb out of bed. I was physically and mentally tired of keeping up with everyone and whatever plans they had with their friends, taking care of Isabelle and Angela since they were still little, and on top of that keep up with the chores around the house. 

I grabbed my phone off the charger, stretched out my arms and legs from laying down, and opened my door to get started on dinner. The living room was oddly quiet, with Dylan and Lucky playing a game. Isabelle playing a game with Angela on the carpet that consisted of a bunch of stuffed animals and blankets. I smiled to myself. 

“What do you guys feel like eating for dinner?” I leaned against the kitchen island, waiting for an answer. 

“Spaghetti!” Isabelle and Angela answered at the time, giggling at one another. I think I could do that. I don’t know if Lucky can though. It was the first weekend of the break and I’d probably need to go grocery shopping tomorrow anyways. 

I looked in Dylan’s direction, making them pause whatever they were playing together. He just shrugged his shoulders, “Whatever’s easier for you.” Always with the same response. 

“Ummm, I can go check what we have.” Lucky told me, getting Dylan to let him onto the floor. All I could do was wait now. Jasmine was staying over at her friends today and tomorrow. I just told her to text me if she goes anywhere far and if she needed anything. Weird, right? Usually the parent handles these kinds of things, but in the situation my siblings and I are in it’s literally impossible. 

Lucky came back, shaking his head, “We don’t have the things for spaghetti,” He laid down on the arm rest of the couch and grabbed his remote, “You should call Nathan to come over. He hasn’t been here in a while. Plus, he’s so much better at cooking than I am. Right, Angela?” 

“Yeah!” 

I bit the side of my cheek. I don’t know about that. Just asking Nathan to come over to cook and then ask him to leave? That was wrong. Plus, he told me before the break that he’ll be pretty busy. Or… texted me. Either way, I shouldn’t bother him. Maybe he actually has a meal with his family for Thanksgiving and they were all getting ready for it already. On the other hand, Lucky makes something else for him and Angela, Angela doesn’t eat, and then everything goes downhill from there. 

Looking at my phone, I picked it up, opening the messages app, and clicked on Nathan’s name. The last time he came here, Jasmine did kind of freak him out. I remember him not being able to leave anyone’s side if she was in the room. I wonder if he’d even want to come over after that. At school the next day he was a little nervous, but otherwise fine afterward, but I’m sure whatever Jasmine told him is still stuck in his mind. Ugh. This was such a bad idea. 

Ryker: I have a huge favor to ask you 

I waited for a response, watching Dylan and Lucky play a fighting game against one another. I had no idea who was winning, but I’m pretty sure it was Lucky. Actually… it was kind of weird how Lucky seemed to want Nathan around more often. Like, really weird. Especially when every time Nathan came, he would practically ditch him with me. I honestly don’t mind, I liked having Nathan come over, but still. I had wondered why, but I wasn’t going to ask. 

Nathan: Yeah?

Ryker: Do you mind coming over to help Lucky cook something? 

Ryker: You don’t have to 

Well, if he says no Lucky will have to make whatever he can and I’d have to break the news to Angela. If you didn’t know, four year olds can be a little hard to deal with sometimes. So, this might just turn out to be a very, very bad day. 

Nathan: Sure! 

Nathan: Anything specific?

I stared at his text, relief washing over me. Dylan let out a cheer from winning against Lucky. Wow. Perfect timing. I was just so grateful right now. Nathan was literally the greatest friend ever. Now I have to think of someway to thank him. That shouldn’t be too hard, right? 

Ryker: They wanted spaghetti

Ryker: And thank you  

Nathan: No problem :)

Ryker: I guess I’ll be at the bus stop in about twenty minutes? 

Nathan: Okay 

I stuffed my phone in my pocket, “Okay, I’ll be right back, just text me if something happens.” I told Dylan, who nodded his head. And with that, I walked out the door and into the cold air. 

———Nathan———

Winters in the city were bad. But not as bad as when we were still help captive. Now those days were terrible. Horrifying even. It was still freakishly cold here. Not something I enjoy. For several reasons really. One being that I already get cold really easily. Two, I just hated being cold and sick. And the most important reason being that it was during this kind of weather when my dad had died. Actually, in three days it’s officially been nine years since my dad died. November 24. A long time, right? 

It hurts. The memories. Not just of him but how they brutally murdered him in front of his own child. I shuddered at the sight pictured in my mind. Nope. Can’t think about that. Right now I should probably be getting ready to head over to the bus stop. I already had packed a tiny bag with the things I needed to cook. Weird enough, it was kind of a therapy for me at this point. To be cooking I mean. I guess that’s why my mom always gets worried when I’m baking for no reason. Because she knows. 

I sighed, giving my mom a quick text that I was heading over to Ryker’s for a little while. The last time I went, I thought everything was going great before Jasmine talked to me alone. everyone had left to go looking for something and it was just her and I. I was scared of course. We’ve never, ever talked before and from what I’ve gathered she’s really intimidating. 

Her exact words to me were: “If you hurt my brother in any way I will personally murder you.” and that was was it took for me to have an entire mental breakdown for nearly two weeks. I mean, who wouldn’t be scared if someone’s sibling threatened you like that? So, the week before the break, I might have been acting a little weird around Ryker, afraid that I might actually do something wrong or hurt him in any way, which I don’t really see how I could. 

Otherwise, I haven’t really been doing anything. I told Ryker that I would be busy during the break, but really I wasn’t. Only because I do actually have something to do on November 24, and I was already feeling the depression spikes as the day came closer and closer. As for Thanksgiving itself, my mom and I never do anything. Last year we were barely getting used to being in the mental hospital so we didn’t really do anything. This year she’s working so it’ll just be me. Nothing new. 

I made my way down the icy streets, the sun setting faster and faster. It was only getting colder, and I didn’t really have a winter jacket. Just some to wear in the classroom like when it’s freezing in there. So, yeah, I was basically freezing my face off. Not to mention that my mom told me it might snow later tonight since it was already under twenty degrees outside. I wasn’t used to cold weather. 

Once I made it to the bus stop, I snuggled up with my bag on the bench, trying to have some kind of warmth. Also because there were several people (giants) who were going back home from stores or getting off of work. The bus stop was actually used for both humans and giants. The human was a little ways from the huge one that was practically as tall as a skyscraper. Maybe taller. 

My hands were shaky from the cold, but it was only another five minutes before Ryker would come and hopefully I wouldn’t be as cold. Maybe. Hopefully. I don’t know what today has in store for me. All I knew was that I just wanted to wrap myself in a blanket with some hot chocolate and binge watch something on tv. 

Ryker came a few minutes later, smiling and giving a thanks before offering a hand. I threw the bag on first before struggling to get on. It was hard when the ground underneath you was starting to freeze over, but I figured it out after trying for a good minute. 

“You’re freezing.” Ryker told me, cupping his hand just a little. Sure, it was scary to have his fingers closer to me, but still, it was warm. How could I deny something that was practically calling me? 

  “That good?” He smiled, for some reason making sure I was comfortable. But I was not about to complain. I was desperate at this point. I nodded my head, bringing my knees closer to my chest to keep some of my body warmth with me. And yet another reason I hate winter. 

“Thanks again. Sorry for bothering you.” 

I continuously shook my head, hoping he would get the message that it was fine. Plus, I liked going over. Everyone was nice (Besides Jasmine I’m pretty sure she hates me) and never really tried to do anything too crazy with me. It was great. I’m not as afraid anymore, which was a miracle given I thought I could never trust anyone ever again, and I’ve actually made some friends. 

Ryker opened the door to his house, where we found them all watching a movie together. Everyone turned their heads as soon as the door closed behind Ryker. I jumped slightly, but relaxed after a while. Nothing to be afraid of. Dylan’s eyes landed on me, giving a smile and a two fingered wave. I waved back, but I doubt he could see it. 

I was set down on the ground, not entirely expecting to be in a tight hug the second I balanced myself. Lucky bursted out laughing, letting me go, “You are literally the best, Nathan.” I laughed with him, following Lucky into the room. 

——————

I didn’t eat anything. I wasn’t hungry. Of course Ryker tried to convince me to eat something, but I always answered no. Otherwise, dinner was okay. They had Lucky, Angela and I on the coffee table, which wasn’t really too big of a deal. I’m pretty sure Ryker and Dylan just didn’t want to handle any humans while they were eating, and hey, I was not about to say anything about it. There are just some things that will never leave my mind. 

After everyone ate, Dylan and Lucky started playing a game on the tv while Isabelle and Angela were playing hide and seek I’m pretty sure. I just hoped that no one would get hurt, but Ryker quickly reassured me that they would never harm one another. I just had to believe him. Most of his siblings are stuck together like glue. Which is a good thing. 

“It’s supposed to start snowing in a little bit.” Ryker announced, earning cheers from the other room where I was guessing Angela and Isabelle were. I was sitting on the arm rest of the couch by Ryker. I kind of wished that their house was a little warmer, because I was still annoyingly cold, but beggars can’t be choosers. I should have asked to grab a blanket. 

“Nice. Are we gonna go out?” Dylan asked, eyes glued to the screen. I had no idea who was winning, but I think it was him. 

“If you want to.” 

Ryker threw his phone on the other side of the couch, turning his head to the screen. I don’t want to go outside, but I’ll go if that makes things easier. I just don’t want to be in the snow. Reasons. Remember? 

It was about ten minutes later that it did actually start snowing. Angela and Isabelle were begging Ryker to let them outside, which he just laughed to and told them to get jackets on and to bring their hats. Dylan paused their game to go get on a jacket, and Ryker left to go help Isabelle. So I was alone in the living room while everyone was busy to go have some fun. I hated winter. In just three days. I reminded myself. 

What would happen? Would someone else be claimed victim? Something bad always happens during this time. I don’t know if it was just me. It probably was. Everyone else was smiling while I was crying in the corner. It’s how it was in the hospital. They all went outside if they could, and I stayed in my room, under the blankets and shove my face into my pillow to drown out my tears. I couldn’t do that now though. Not when so many people had their eyes on me. Not when a trip back to the hospital was a very viable option for me. I didn’t want to go back. Not because of something… traumatic that happened nine years ago. I should be over it, right? But I’m not. 

There goes one of my depression spells. Great. Just great. At a time like this? I sucked in a deep breath, calming myself down before anyone notices. This was embarrassing. 

Ryker came back into the room, eyes landing on me with an unsure look on his face. He walked up to me, holding a hand out. Was he not going to wear any gloves? He wouldn’t be cold? I stood up, keeping my balance on the soft surface underneath me and walking to climb onto his hand. 

“You don’t mind if I just keep you in my hand, right? I don’t want you to be freezing.” He asked. I shook my head, sitting down in the middle of his palm. That was actually what I preferred. I did not plan whatsoever to go into the snow anyways. 

Once everyone was outside, Ryker sat down on the stairs, cupping his hand and keeping me close. A little uneasy about it, but there was really no reason to be. It’s just instinct. And everything in me right now is saying to get the hell inside. But I wasn’t going to say that. Mostly because I don’t want to be alone.  

They were all screaming and laughing. It was snowing pretty hard too, already covering most of the frosted grass just after ten minutes. Other people were also sitting outside. Their kids playing around with the snow. I tried not to focus on that. Instead, I found myself scooting back slowly, almost to where I couldn’t see the heavy fall of the white flakes. 

My body was still freezing. It was so much colder than before. Was this how dad felt? The cold pricking at his skin I mean. 

“Nathan?” My thoughts were interrupted by a soft voice above me. I groaned, body shaking and stuffing my hands in my pockets to preserve some of my body heat. I shuddered a breath, trembling. It’s so cold… How could they even be having fun like this? I looked ahead, seeing Dylan helping Isabelle make a small snowman with both Angela and Lucky stuffed in his scarf. This was just another one of my depression spells. 

“Still cold?” Ryker asked me. I took a deep breath, “Y-Yeah…” It came out more like a quiet mumble, and I was surprised that he even heard me. Did he want to help them make a snowman? He probably did. I should just tell him to leave me inside. It would make things a million times easier for everyone. 

Ryker moved his hand a bit, making me worried about what he was trying to do, but he just kept it the same. I wondered why he was going through all this trouble just for me. There was really no point. There was only a couple more months until graduation and then we’d go our separate ways. That’s how it always goes. I’d be alone again, figuring out what to do with the rest of my life. That’s how my story goes. 

“Better?” 

I nodded my head, getting to a comfortable position and decided to just watch what they were all doing. Finishing up the head of the snowman. It was comfy even though I was kind of scared from being in someone’s hand. At least now that is. Currently I was just afraid of falling into the deep snow. I’m pretty sure if I fell I’d sink into it. Not something I would like to see or imagine. 

“You okay?” Ryker asked, softly smiling above me. There was no other response other than to nod. I couldn’t just say no. That wouldn’t do any good. But.. maybe if he notices that these next few days would be hard for me. Maybe. Just maybe. I doubt it though. I don’t plan on being here all of the time anyways. I couldn’t. 

Isabelle finished the snowman, grabbing some loose twigs for arms as they stepped back. It was still snowing, just not as much. Was dad watching me right now? Was he shocked just as much as I was? I never thought I’d ever be able to be around another giant for as long as I had lived, and here I am, sitting in one of their hands. Would he think I was crazy? Delusional? Psycho? Happy like my mom even? I would never know, but even I think I was crazy. 

Actually… why did I even trust Ryker? Or really anyone. They’re all so nice of course, but about four months ago I was so sure that every giant would only hurt me, and it almost became true with that lunch incident that felt like forever ago. So why did I trust these people with my life? In the back of my mind I keep thinking that this was all just a sick joke being played on me. But… I don’t think these people are lying about anything. They don’t have a reason to. And Ryker’s been nothing but patient, and kind, and… understanding. No one would go through all that trouble just to fool someone as gullible as me. 

I sighed, snuggling up closer to Ryker’s thumb and watching Isabelle throw snowballs at Dylan who was shielding Lucky and Angela from the crossfire. Was it scary being there? In the midst of everything? Having to trust someone at least fifty times your size to keep you safe? I sucked in a shaky breath, just watching. It wasn’t so bad really. 

———Ryker———

Today was November 24. Thanksgiving was here, and everything was a complete mess. I never learned how to make a turkey like the tradition, so usually I just made something that all of us had liked. Along with that, I had to make sure no one did anything too crazy while I was busy in the kitchen. Jasmine and Dylan were helping out cooking while I ordered something for Lucky and Angela. They both agreed on pizza (Because what else does a fourteen year-old and a four year-old want) so now I was busy with that. That part was mostly because Angela didn’t like when Lucky cooks something different. 

It was just pure chaos now. Everyone was running around the house, and at that point I had to ask Jasmine to keep an eye on Angela to make sure she didn’t wander off where we couldn’t find her. I wasn’t too worried about Lucky since he’s almost always with Dylan, plus he’s smart enough to stay off the floor when it’s something like this. 

I took out the lasagna, letting it cool down before making separate plates. Yeah, I know, super weird, but I can’t do anything better. I only know the basics thanks to my parents, and that was all I needed to know. 

There was a knock on the door, and I asked Dylan to open it. It was just the pizza. I washed whatever dishes I had and called everyone that dinner was ready. It’s days like this where I wished that my parents never left. I feel like I can never be like them even though I was the oldest. I mean, was I just supposed to let CPS split us all apart? I couldn’t do that. My siblings would never forgive me. I like to think that they’re all happy, but I doubt it. Sometimes I feel like I can’t do anything to help any of them. Like I’m doing this “parenting” thing all wrong. Of course I was. I was seventeen in my last year of high school taking care of five kids on my own while also juggling a job and trying to do fun things with them so we can forget about what happened a little over a year ago. There was no reason for one person to be doing all of this. 

It was snowing outside again. Not really surprising when you’ve lived here for your entire life. It was really nice though. I loved the cold. Weird, because most people don’t, but I do. I remember my parents freaking out when I would just be outside making a snowman in just a short sleeve and sweatpants when I was a kid. Of course it was so cold it burned, but I guess I kind of liked it? It was hard to explain. Or sometimes we’d stay inside and watch movies or play a game. I missed it really. 

“Ry.” Jasmine snapped her fingers in front of me to get my attention. I blinked a couple times before giving a clueless look. She groaned, “I asked if I could go shopping tomorrow, I have work the next three days so I just wanna go do something.”

“Oh, um, sure.” 

The tv was playing in the background, but I wasn’t paying attention. Come to think of it, I don’t think I was paying attention to anything. Dylan, Jasmine, and Lucky were all laughing about something. What were they laughing about again? Something about going back to school? I don’t even want to think about that right now. I needed a break anyways. Most of my classes love giving me piles and piles of work anyways. 

I sighed, pushing away my plate that I had barely eaten. The sun has already set, everyone was done eating, Angela asked Jasmine if she could go outside in the snow. She said yes, and so Isabelle followed. Dylan and Lucky were helping me wash the remaining dishes. Honestly I already felt so tired. It was only 8 p.m but my eyes threatened to close at any moment. 

“You okay, Ry?” Dylan asked, putting a plate up in the cabinet. 

“Yeah.” I replied, handing him another to dry. Lucky shook his head while continuously saying “no” over and over again. At some point Dylan grew tired of it and pressed the pad of his thumb into Lucky’s entire upper half of his body. 

“He’s not wrong. You’re always like this on holidays.” 

“I am?” I sighed, not really knowing how to get out of this one. These two have always been vigilant anyways. They would have noticed at some point. 

“Yeah.” 

“I don’t know. I just feel really tired today.”  

“That’s it?” 

“Mhm.” 

Dylan gave me a skeptical look before putting in another plate. He doesn’t believe me. I don’t think he ever will about these kinds of things. 

“Why don’t you call Nathan? You always seem happier around him.” 

I stopped only for a second, then continued to scrub off something on the pan I used. No. I won’t call him. Not this time. No matter how many times he’s actually made me feel better just by being here. I’ve noticed I was happier around him too, but it’s only short lived since he always goes back at the end of the day. Do I know why I was happier? Not really. I’ve thought of a few reasons. Because he’s the only friend I’ve made since middle school. He listens to me ramble on and on about the most useless information. Best of all he’s really nice. Doesn’t really seem like he’s tricking me either. Not that I think he could even if he wanted to. He was too sweet. 

“No.” I sighed. Cleaning out the sink and handing off the last dish. 

“Why not?” Dylan asked leaning against the counter. 

“Cause I’m tired. No point in calling if I’m just going to fall asleep,” I countered, drying my hands and heading to my room, “Make sure Isabelle and Angela are asleep by 10? Please?”  

Dylan nodded his head, I closed the door behind me and buried myself under the covers of my bed. I can’t keep on relying on Nathan to come fix every problem I have. He’s probably off dealing with whatever he’s doing right now anyways. But still, my hand reached for my phone, grabbing it and opening the messages app. I’m just gambling with myself at this point. If he answers in the next ten minutes I’ll ask to call, if he doesn’t, I’ll head to sleep. Either way it’s really a win-win. And here it goes. 

———Nathan———

I was laying on my bed, under the covers. No lights, no sounds, just nothing. I had cried earlier this morning when I visited his grave. My eyes were dry now. Red and puffy. I just sat curling in on myself while clutching the same teddy bear he gave me when I was still just a kid. It was childish, but if it’s all I have left of him then I’m taking advantage of that. 

Ironic, huh? How this holiday was supposed to bring family together. It was actually the opposite for me. Even though he didn’t actually die on this holiday, it’s just ironic how it happened this year. When we’re finally free and live like a “normal” family now. Was he watching me now? Sad and lonely in my bed? I hope he wasn’t. He’d scold me. 

My phone went off, but I didn’t feel like looking at it. It’s not like I wanted to be alone. Usually my mom would cheer me up by taking my mind off of it. Whether it was playing some makeshift game or just doing something I liked with me. What else was there to say? This year was the year I was completely alone. 

I sucked in a deep breath, picking up my phone with sore arms. I spent most of the day digging out the old flowers on his grave and replacing them with new ones. It was hard to do when a thin sheet of snow was covering most of the dirt and grass, but it was worth it to see the bright a beautiful colors. His favorites were lilacs. I remember mom telling me that. 

My eyes shot up when I saw who texted me. Ryker? I mean it was already night, so I doubt he was going to ask if I wanted to go over. But… I was kind of curious now. 

Ryker: Hey

Ryker: How was your day? 

Ryker: You’re probably doing something right now but I’d just thought I’d check what you were doing 

Sent five minutes ago. Why did he want to know what I was doing? It seemed weird to me, but maybe he was just bored. Did they celebrate? I hope they did. They seem to be happy with each other. 

Nathan: It was okay :) 

Nathan: And yours? 

Ryker: Chaotic

Nathan: Oh 

I wasn’t technically lying. My day was okay despite crying for most of it. 

Ryker: Yeahhh 

Ryker: Do you feel like calling? 

Ryker: You don’t have to of course 

I thought about it. It wouldn’t be that bad. Might keep my mind occupied.

  Nathan: Sure 

And so he called. 

“Hello?” His voice sounded tired and sad, like he just woke up or something. I couldn’t find my voice. It’s become rasp from sobbing anyways. It’d be embarrassing for it to sound like that over the phone. So hopefully it’ll get better in the morning. 

“Oh, right,” He sighed, “Sorry. I just felt like talking and usually you listen. You can just hang up if you don’t want to though.” He sounded nervous, but I didn’t want to hang up. Not only because it was the wrong thing to do, but because I always loved listening to what he was saying. No matter how irrelevant it was. It distracted my mind from everything wrong with me. And he seemed to like it when I did. 

Nathan: I’m listening 

I heard him let out a little chuckle before talking. I could hear at some points it sounded like he was going to cry, and some he sounded like he was so hurt, and sometimes he’d laugh. He changed the subject multiple times, but I kind of liked it. I just wished I could help in some other way. It sounded to me like he was stressed out and just wanted someone to be there, and I’m surprised none of his siblings were. Or maybe they were, but he just doesn’t want to put all of this on them. It seemed like something he would do. 

By the time he was done, it was an hour before midnight. Funny thing was, I wasn’t tired anymore. I was putting together pieces in my mind still about everything he had talked about. How he was mentally tired of juggling five things around at once. I would be too if I were him. How he’s been more and more exhausted by the end of the day. How his parents usually did all of these kinds of things. I was going to ask what happened to them, but I feel like that was a touchy subject. Especially when he just vented to me. I don’t mind though. Not at all. 

“Oh crap. Sorry for keeping you up.” Ryker apologized, saying sorry about five times before I texted him that it was okay. I wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon. 

“Thanks. Y’know. For listening.” I heard him yawn on the other side. He was the one tired. I silently laughed to myself, hugging the bear closer to my chest. If only he could see me now… this was embarrassing. He’d probably make fun of me for it. I wouldn’t care. 

“You’re too nice, you know that?” I heard shuffling on the other side of the phone. Probably Ryker getting ready to go to sleep. And I know this was selfish, but I didn’t want him to hang up. I didn’t want my mind to realize that I was alone again. Was is it really selfish then? To me, yes. It feels like I was making him do something he didn’t want to. 

“Hey, um, remember when you tried hugging me that one time? Why’d you do it?” He had asked, and I could practically see his face. Confused and happy at the same time. He was talking about when I had to stay overnight. I knew that would come up eventually, just not so soon. 

Nathan: Nobody’s ever been so nice to me before. Besides my mom of course 

Nathan: But I was kind of shocked you agreed without complaining 

Nathan: Are you mad about it?

“Mad? Nononono. Um, the complete opposite really,” He laughed quietly, “I was shocked, yeah, but happy too.” 

That gets rid of the guilt. I swear I thought I ruined everything between us, but now I know what he really thought. He wasn’t mad at me for anything. 

“What about the other day? When it was snowing. You looked comfortable. Like you were about to sleep.” My cheeks started blushing from embarrassment. I had hoped he didn’t see me snuggling closer into his palm to stay warm, but apparently he did. So embarrassing. I groaned quietly to myself, tightly hugging the bear closer. 

Nathan: Sorry 

Nathan: I was cold 

Nathan: You were warm 

Nathan: Sorry again 

It was silent for a second. 

“Why do you apologize for things like that?” 

I didn’t know the answer to that question. Usually my mind just takes over and then I spiral into the worst possible scenarios. So I have no idea why I do. Maybe because my brain thinks I’ll get hurt if I don’t? My body was scared of getting another broken bone or something getting hurt? 

Nathan: I don’t know 

It was silent again. 

“Do… do you like being around me? I-I mean most people stop talking to me as soon as they get what they want. So, I was just wondering.” His voice sounded hurt. Obviously this ha sharpened once or twice to him. And it hurt to hear that these things have happened to someone so amazing. I could never do that to Ryker. It’d hurt me more than it’d hurt him. 

“Y-yes.” I almost immediately replied, my voice a little raspy. It hurt to speak, but it was fine. It’ll get better in time. 

I heard him let out a sigh of relief, and I smiled. I was finally doing the right thing for once in my life. I’m kind of glad this was how the day ended. 

“I would give you a hug if you were here… and if you were comfortable enough with it,” We both laughed quietly, “I’ll let you go to sleep. I’ve kept you up long enough.” 

I shook my head, forgetting that he wasn’t here to see it. I didn’t want him to go. Then again he sounded exhausted. Then I would be the one keeping him up. Or he doesn’t even have to stay awake. Just the knowledge that I knew he was just on the other side of the phone was enough to make me feel like I wasn’t alone. 

“U-Um you d-don’t have to s-stay up b-but could we stay… stay on call? P-Please.” I waited for an answer, biting my tongue for stuttering so much. My body was shaky for no reason. I was nervous. He was going to say no. He was going to say no. He was going to- 

“I would love that.” 

I wish he could see the smile I had on my face. How fast my heart was beating. I laid down under the covers, getting comfortable and staring at my phone that read: Ryker: 3:14. Three hours and fourteen minutes. Another seven won’t hurt. 

“Thank you.” 

I fell asleep a couple minutes after he did. No nightmares haunted me tonight.

—————————————

My heart is meltinggggggg

By the way, this was not the great scene I was talking about. This was just one of many to make the one I actually want to write make sense.

Anywayssss I told you guys it would be a little plot heavy for a while! I loved how this chapter came out though.

Hope you enjoyed, and thank you for reading! Love you guys!

[cookiesupplier]

Every Rose Has Its Thorns - Part Thirty-Seven

pairing: Ricky Olson x ofc x Chris 'Motionless' Cerulli

warnings/tropes: slow burn, soulmates, strangers to enemies to lovers, betrayal, angst, fluff, smut, language, online bullying, panic attacks, stalking, mental health issues.

summary: In a world where soulmates inexplicably receive a tattoo that will match that of their soulmate the moment they turn eighteen years old, being famous and covered in very visible tattoos can make finding your true soulmate a questionable fate. For everyone involved.

author’s note: Unbeta'd, readers beware as always lol.

To read from the beginning, check out the Masterlist Here!

tags: @tearfallpixie @cncohshit @jordynyingling0219 @faceless-mirror @nyxthedestroyerofworlds @wild-child-7747 @witchyweeb34 @black-damask1999 @jilliemiw86 @ilovesamkiszka @lyschko666 @lacktoesandtoddlerants @bngurngheart @collapsedglasshouses @laurpartyprogram @sunsshinesunny @malerieee @talialovesmiw @shilohrosechicken @thatchickwiththecamera @tamtam-elizabeth

Tag List is Open, please let me know if you would like to be added to it or in general.

Chris had ended up having to leave his friend a message on his machine as he was out that morning, he hated doing that as it felt so impersonal, and never wanted to give details on those things. But, it was over really, he knew that he couldn’t always be in the office. The soulmate tattoo science division was a very difficult line of research to keep funded. Most of the people in the field he’d managed to make contact with, even if just marginally over the last few years, all said the same thing. They usually either were extremely lucky with multiple grants, had side jobs, alternate research, or their research into the soul connection was the alternate study. There were some on the outside that sat the soulmate research as a hobby, but he knew they were all so very passionate about it. Sadly, none of them could dedicate all of their time to it, as it just didn’t pay the bills.

That was something Chris could understand completely. He remembered the early years in the band, working what was essentially a day job just to make ends meet. Needing it to make sure he could pay rent, buy food, have the funds for equipment, getting to and from gigs, basically everything the band could possibly need. So yes, he knew what it was like to have a passion project that was worth an absolute pittance. Unfortunately for most of the scientists he’d talked to over the years, their projects in the soulmate research, wasn’t likely to suddenly boom anything nearly as massive as the band. Not with the known track record so far. Besides, he was reminded science wasn’t just about making money though, it was about the discovery and search of knowledge.

He was in need of some of that knowledge right now, and not just him, but also Ricky, and Talia. Living like this, was driving all of them a little nuts, he could tell they were all on edge. Poor Talia, that panic attack she’d had, she had spiralled so bad just at the thought of having to face those doctors again that had treated her so badly. If Chris had his way, he’d shut that whole place down, who the hell treated people that way. What harm, what proof, had her family presented, that could have suggested that any of that was remotely necessary, even then, the doctors should have evaluated her themselves. He couldn’t personally understand how Talia could have met the criteria. 

Just the same, once Chris had made the call, now it was just the waiting game, and checking the message board, cringing at the different takes of what others had of the illnesses that could be wrong with him. Oh yes, the imaginations of these people, they were coming up with everything under the sun that could be wrong with him, and somehow every single person, assumed he was dying. He supposed that happened when you were brought to that particular area of the message boards, it involved death to start with, so assuming death was involved, could be taken to heart. Chris would like to think he wasn’t dying though, he didn’t feel sick, no matter how much of a panic this was whirling around in him right now though, let's not think about that. 

It was about lunchtime that he was finally able to hear back from his friend, right when he was in the middle of making himself something to eat no less, isn’t that how it always goes? When you have been absolutely dying for someone to call you back about a vital topic, you wait around forever expecting their call, but it doesn’t come. When you finally give up and get up to do something else, boom, you are right in the middle of what you are doing, and they call. So he was in the middle of making himself a sandwich when his phone started ringing, and he had to drop everything, he wasn’t going to risk missing this call, not this of all things.

“Micah, hey, man, how are you going? How’s the wife? The kids?”

While Chris had never met Micah in person, they had had some very long and in-depth philosophical conversations about the soulmate bonds between people. Even about the bond stemming between Micah and his wife and how their relationship had been affected by it. Micah had met his wife long before they knew they were soulmates, much like Talia’s friends Kyle and Jordan. Chris had enjoyed hearing about such a bond evolving differently somewhere else to, how the tattoos were different and worked differently for everywhere. It was amazing how that happened. 

“They are doing well, and you, Chris, how is your work going?”

Chris never spoke openly about his work on the phone, not this number anyway, this was the office number. While there were other scientists that Chris knew on a strictly surface level, Micah he’d actually gotten to know a little more personally because the man had understood to some degree what Chris went through. He had switched to soulmate research when his brother had lost his soulmate while he was still a teenager, and the toll it had taken on him had been immense. Chris felt for those that lost so much hope at such a young age.

“It’s going well, on some downtime, which is even better. Though I’ve actually had some curious thoughts lately, one of my friends has been talking to me a lot about soulmate tattoos. I mean, we were talking about the different crazy theories and hypothetical situations out there.”

Chris knew it was a little unfair that he was telling his friend a bit of a white lie, but this wasn’t just about him, this was about Ricky and Talia too. He wasn’t going to put them in a position when they had to deal with a bunch of doctors if they didn’t want to. Ricky had said straight out yesterday, no tests, and Chris did not blame him, especially with how they were all connected, if just one of them got poked and prodded, who knows if they’d all feel it.

As expected, Chris heard a rustling of papers on the desk of the other end of the phone followed by a low chuckle, assuming that Micah was getting himself comfortable for this conversation now.

“Alright, Chris, you’ve got my attention, hit me with them.”

Bingo, he knew how to get Micah, he always liked to hear the latest theories that came about. Hearing them from people was always more interesting than trolling the message boards as Micah told him after all.

“Okay, now, I know that some of these just really got my head spinning, like there is apparently one that is about how the tattoos are actually random and work on hypnotic suggestion once they come in proximity to each other. There is another, that was taking about soulmate tattoos can sometimes change colour after a soulmate passes away, and become a whole new tattoo, which is completely ridiculous. Oh hell, then there was another one, oh, oh, get this Micah, oh you’ll get a kick out of this-”

Chris had a couple more insane ideas in his head to throw at him if need be, including tid bits of the way the soulmate bond that was affecting Talia and Ricky. The idea had been, was to see if he could see if that sparked more from Micah as he went. The fact that he seemed to be stopping his jumbled rant already, it would seem he wouldn’t need that after all.

“Wait a second, what was that theory?”

Chris paused, as if thinking,

“The hypnotic suggestion? Don’t tell me someone is actually researching that, are you kidding-”

“No Chris- I-”

“Because I swear if my friend finds out that he could eventually hypnotise his girlfriend-”

“Chris, that’s not what I-”

Chris was just barrelling forward, he knew this was probably a bit much, but his nerves about the entire ordeal during the night had gone into overdrive. Remembering how it had felt holding Talia as she cried, had him convinced that he needed to protect her from any doctor involved. Even his friend. Ricky and him, they were connected yes, and sure, he didn’t want either of them hurt either, but seeing her curled up against Ricky’s chest sobbing, and the thought of her broken like that again? Never. This was why he was driving Micah around in circles, and maybe one day he’d tell him, maybe one day he’d forgive him.

“Chris!”

“Shit! Sorry, Crap, Micah, you scared me.. What..”

“I wasn’t meaning about the hypnotic suggestion theory. What, what was the other theory you, you and your, friend, were, talking about?”

Here we go, time for the other foot to drop.

“Oh, um, was it, the uh, colour-blind tattoo soulmate theory one? About being the reason they are all only black or white?”

Chris didn’t know if he was frustrating Micah now, but he seemed to just let out a decent puff of air for a long moment then, taking in a slow breath.

“You mean the one about the tattoo changing, after the soulmate died? Like.. something anyway, sounds really stupid, right?”

Snorting derisively into the phone, as if he would have thought this entire thing was utterly ridiculous, and honestly, if it were happening to anyone else, he would.

The silence on the other end of the phone was deafening. 

When Micah started talking again, something in his voice had changed, even if it was just from him adjusting his posture at his desk, Chris didn’t know, but something had changed, and instantly it made the man wary.

“So your friend, was this his theory Chris, or yours?”

“We were just shooting the breeze and talking about random things we heard about in passing, they weren’t either of our own theories, Micah, why, what does it matter, why so serious all of a sudden man?”

It was making him very worried about the fact that Micah was getting so serious about this, especially since Ricky had said the remark about testing. Thinking about it now, sent a chill down his spine. What the hell was happening, Micah had never gotten like this before, never, he’d always been so easy going, even when their discussions had become extremely intense.

“No, no, Chris, not serious, or anything like that, I just, I’m curious. How the subject of tattoos changing like that came up exactly. Is this, something that, either of you have heard about from someone in person, or, just a random joke about in the moment.”

He was fishing, Chris knew he was fishing, and it was making him nervous. He pushed himself to laughed slightly.

“Why, is there something to worry about Micah? Don’t tell me, tattoos are changing left right and centre and the government is keeping it covered up, big conspiracy they don’t want anyone to know about?”

That Chris threw out there with a real-ass loud laugh, the thought that random tattoos could be changing and no one in the world would be talking about it would be laughable to him. The things he’d heard all over the message boards about the soulmate tattoos there was no way another person tattoo could have changed, and he wouldn’t have heard about it, no, no way. Surely not… right?

“Chris…”

“Yea?”

Trying to sound as nonchalant as humanly possible considering how completely unhinged he was feeling with the turn this conversation had taken.

“Has your tattoo changed?”

Micah knew his soulmate was dead, and Chris was kicking himself now for including that in the first place, about the tattoo changing after a soulmate passing away. Shit, maybe he wouldn’t be asking about Chris’ tattoo specifically if he hadn’t. What the fuck was he supposed to say, he had to say something, the longer he said nothing, Micah would know he was stalling.. The fact he’d paused, even for a second, he was going to know something was amiss.

Scoffing slightly after that second,

“No, stuff, the same, as always, still.. White.. Still… dead.”

Swallowing, yep, his soulmate was still very much dead, everything was exactly the way it was the last time they spoke, Micah. 

As much as he’d called for answers, the cryptic way Micah was being, Chris wasn’t sure he wanted answers from him any more, something was amiss and he was nervous.

Silence met him again from the other end of the line, and just when Chris went to say something himself, Micah spoke abruptly.

“Chris, whatever you do, don’t call this number again, I’ll be in touch.”

And the line went dead.

What the hell was happening?!?

Dividers by @saradika-graphics

[bestworstcase]

Hi again. I've continued to read through... well, whatever the almighty algorithim feels like suggesting (searching here is hard even when you have an idea where to start, which I don't), and my mental state can be best represented by this little gem: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZWK5IBuVMM&t=298s (Is this necessary? No. Do I think it's funny and worth sharing? Yes, and to an extent that's kinda what this site is all about)

Anyway, a pretty common thread I've noticed in your theories is "Summer is an up-to-now-offscreen agent of Salem by choice." While you definitely make a good case even from the limited amount I've seen, I have to ask: when and where did these thoughts originate from in the first place? I mean, I can *kinda* see where you connected some of the dots, but it's still a huge leap compared to the initially perfectly sensible conclusion of her being dead or otherwise incapacitated.

(Oh, and if this could be answered similarly to my last question, then I can at least say that I have loose plans for a thorough notepad-and-magnifying-glass rewatch of the whole series over the imminent summer after a warmup with Spirited Away, so we'll see how that goes. Maybe I'll look back at myself a few months from now and laugh at my relatively foolish ways; wouldn't be the first time, anyway)

i’d joke that it’s about the Vibes TM but what it comes down to really is the way rwby handles foreshadowing. as for the "when and where" part i couldn’t remember so i went looking.

let me take you on a little journey

these messages on 7/27 are my first direct reference to the idea of summer joining salem but i think (based on my phrasing) that i must have had it in mind for a while prior, which given that this was eight whole days after i’d finished watching the show at all. well. if i had to guess i’d say i probably went "okay so yes but also no" after ruby went "that’s what happened to mom" in 8.11

and the reason for that is pretty simple:

there is a lot of build up in v1-8 to summer’s fate being a Big Fucking Deal; this, in combination with the careful phrasing the narrative always uses regarding her disappearance—she "never came back” or she was "taken," it’s never said that she died—means she’s still alive.

salem met summer rose 12-14 years ago. the hound is a novelty to everyone, including salem’s own inner circle, and salem herself describes him as an "experiment." ruby jumps to a conclusion that doesn’t add up with information the audience knows that she doesn’t.

but, it’s unlikely that ruby is entirely wrong: think about tyrian waxing poetic about his "goddess" and ruby with no hesitation saying "cinder." she was both incorrect (his "goddess" is salem) but partially right (cinder is salem’s protégée and tyrian is here at all because cinder asked salem to deal with ruby).

in v4 we get a look at salem’s evil boardroom (there are two seats conspicuously left empty) and then see salem receiving a seer call from someone stationed at beacon, after it’s been firmly established that none of the agents we know about is there. we don’t see who is on the other end of this call, and we only hear salem’s side (note the incongruity with how seer calls are depicted in every other case; the identity of the beacon agent is withheld from the audience deliberately).

in v5 raven is so scornful of summer rose that she decides "you sound just like your mother" deserves an immediate fireball from cinder fall to the face. in v9 she was big goofy grins at summer. SOMETHING REALLY BAD HAPPENED. and i don’t think this dramatic change is explicable by raven simply watching summer fail and die or be captured; else she’d just be calling summer a fool the same way she does qrow and tai. that says betrayal.

so we know that summer met salem. we know that she did not die and cannot have been made into a hound-like creature (because he’s a new experiment). summer being alive probably rules out her being a ‘failed’ experiment, since that would undoubtedly have been fatal. ruby’s assumption that summer was twisted into a grimm-thrall by salem is incorrect but likely not too far off from the truth, and we know SOMETHING happened during that last mission that shattered raven’s trust in summer, and the simplest answer there is that summer is with salem but willingly.

and salem has a Mystery Lieutenant who’s been stationed at beacon since it fell. math! to my mind the only real questions are why and if summer might have been partially grimmed a la cinder, because in v8 the narrative starts telegraphing "summer is with salem in some not-enslaved-or-imprisoned capacity" without any subtlety at all.

now if we add in to the mix certain things v9 did ("an invincible monster who took your mother!" OH BOY) ("she lied, she left with raven! why would she–?" OH BOY!!!), there’s a clear narrative trajectory developing in the direction of summer rose not having been the Perfect Martyred Fairytale Paragon that everyone has put on a pedestal for the last 12-14 years; like anyone else she was a real person with flaws, and narratively the strongest way to drive that point home is to present to us (and to the characters who’ve been mythologizing summer as a flawless hero for more than a decade) a summer rose who decided that siding with salem was the right thing to do and then exploring why she did it.

summer being with salem of her own volition also makes it a lot easier to get to the narrative turning point of negotiating with salem; summer is the bridge, someone who has people she cares about on both sides. it is much harder to form a truce with salem if she tortured two of the main characters’ mother to death and/or enslaved and/or imprisoned her (because then you need to have an arc about saving the mother and that pushes further down the dead-end road of trying to defeat salem, who can’t be meaningfully defeated). but if summer chose to side with salem she can open that door to "maybe we can reason with salem."

so thinking about it just from a writer perspective… if i were the one writing this story and making these creative decisions with regard to the summer rose mystery, the reason i would set things up in this specific way is to develop toward a twist that summer freely chose to join salem with the intention that this precipitates the negotiation. that was true in v1-8 and then v9 ticked off literally every box on my mental checklist of things i would expect v9 to do if this was the direction they were headed—another hint about salem "taking" summer in conjunction with a reminder that salem is "invincible," surfacing ruby’s self-identification with The Idea of summer rose and how very harmful this is, a peek through the looking glass at The Person summer rose who is flawed in ways that shock and distress ruby, and an explicitly-stated "who knows why?" in reference to summer’s flaws and her final mission.

shrug. it’s just the explanation that makes the most sense taking into account all the clues that we have.

as a further point of interest, neither summer nor tai have an obvious ozian allusion (in contrast to qrow and raven who are the scareqrow and the woggle bug respectively)… which by process of elimination with the cast of marvelous land of oz, probably makes them general jinjur and jellia jamb. jinjur conquers the emerald city and occupies it for most of the story; jellia is a serving girl in the emerald city’s palace who remains with jinjur until very near the end when she gets roped into mombi’s schemes. which tracks with the idea that summer is holding beacon on salem’s behalf and tai is…there.

and i am kicking myself for not clocking tai-as-jellia until B4 dropped because it’s so. obvious. in hindsight. lol

(bonus first time reaction to 7.2

because it made me snort)

[capevans3000]

Break Up - Bonus Chapter

A/N: Ahhhhh, where do I begin? I promised a bonus chapter months ago and I failed to deliver. I had good reasons though. My health took a huge hit over the last few months, where part of the few months I experienced sudden deafness in both of my ears due to a serious case of infection. The worst is over, although I am still trying to build my health back. Anyway, the bonus chapter is finally out! TBH, I am not too happy with the ending. I was stuck and I couldn’t get the ending the way I really wanted it :( I tried my best. But I am still really excited to hear what you think about it. Leave me comments/suggestions, like and reblog if you enjoyed this! :)

Fic may contain grammar errors. Characters are fictional and not based on any real persons.

TW: Mental health issues, medical emergencies, angst, jealousy

*Photo not mine!

Based on the following short series:

Break Up

Break Up - Sequel

Taglist/requests:

@ah-ri-young-deactivated20221202: It was midnight and I could not sleep. I was looking for a fic about breaking up and I found your fic and it was exactly what I wanted. You wrote everything very well. I cried while reading it. I could completely understand reader's feelings. Will you write another part for it? I liked Sam And I hated Chris so I thought how good it would be if reader move on from Chris and fall in love with Sam and Chris saw reader in a wedding dress with Sam and the happines in her eyes and the way she looks at Sam. I really want Chris to suffer because of his betrayal to reader. I hope you get this message because my tumblr doesn't work sometimes🎈

@atoosa22 : The Break up fic that you wrote is amazing. I'm team Sam btw. I almost cried and it means you're so good at writing. Will you write another part? I had a thaught that reader come back to Chris but nothing is in the way that it was. And she is in love with Sam. She left Chris and marry Sam and Chris SUFFERRRR and that makes me SATISFIED

You sat at your bed fidgeting with a rose gold necklace in your hand. Chris had given you the necklace during your first year’s anniversary. You had also given him a matching gold necklace, which he’d been wearing everywhere he went. Since that day, you had never once removed the necklace… not until that night when you left his property and left the relationship behind.

 You thought about returning the necklace to him before you left, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to. Your relationship with Chris may have met an untimely end, but it doesn’t negate the once-existence of the relationship. It was a meaningful take-away from the little time you had with Chris, and you wanted to keep it as much as you wanted to forget about it. Turning the necklace around, you traced the engraving with your fingers wistfully. Chris x Y/N. The same engraving sits on the back of Chris’ necklace. “This is so that you will always feel my heart beating next to yours.” Chris had said to you the day he put the necklace on you.

 The necklace had been sitting inside a box since you moved out. But Chris’ sudden appearance at your new apartment three weeks ago had rocked whatever solid ground you thought you had managed to rebuild since the break up. This was the power he had over you. All it took was seeing and hearing his voice again, and all your past resigns vanished like an ice cube on a hot’s summer’s day. As soon as he left your apartment that night, you crashed onto the floor of your room and sobbed. All of that plasters you had pasted over the wounds peeled off in an instant and they revealed each and every brokenness he left you. It was painful to learn that the wounds were nowhere near healed in the first place as you thought they were.

 While you hadn’t agreed to Chris’ preposition to get back together again, you had agreed to co-exist with him – as friends – and maybe see how things go. Sam was worried you’d get hurt by Chris again but he respected your decision. You felt bad for Sam. You knew Sam was interested in you, and you were starting to feel the same way about him. But with the recent turn of events, you had to put a potential relationship with Sam on hold on account of Chris. You didn’t think it was fair to Sam jumping into a relationship with him when you were not in the right mental state to fully devote and love someone else. Despite the hurt, you realized Chris still held a very special place in your heart.

 Chris had been trying hard to fight for you over the last three weeks. He’d put in effort to make small but familiar gestures – gestures that he used make when he was your boyfriend. Sending you texts throughout the day to let you know he was thinking about you, sending you lunch and dinner deliveries, sending you photos and videos of Dodger… He would appear at your doorstep with your favourite tea, wine and snacks. If not for the obvious hurt hanging thick in the air, you might even think nothing between you and Chris had changed. You enjoyed Chris’ company despite the circumstance, but your heart was guarded against him. There was still that part of you that was afraid to accept Chris again. Sam, and your best friend were there too, working as gatekeepers for your heart.

 It had been three weeks since Chris returned to your life, and his ex-girlfriend was never mentioned once. That was until one night while Chris was at your place with a bottle of wine, and the two of you were having a quiet night in.

“Hey, YN, can I run something by you?” Chris asked between sips from his wine glass.

 For some reason, you felt your heart clenched by his question. He sounded so serious all of a sudden. “Sure.” You tried to hide the fear and uncertainty in your voice.

 “[Ex’s name]… she would like to meet you. You know, to explain things with you.” Chris sounded hesitant.

 You gulped down the wine you had in your glass and set it down on the table, almost too hard. Your fear turned into anger. You couldn’t believe what you just heard. The cheek of that girl. She broke you and Chris, and now she’s trying to explain things to you? You can’t think of any reasons or explanations she could have for you that you could actually accept.

 “She feels bad. She just wants to clear the air and apologise to you.” Chris continued when you said nothing. You almost burst out into an angry laughter.

 “I didn’t know you were still in contact with her. And I can hear how much you’re trying to speak for her.” You replied curtly, while pouring yourself another giant glass of wine.  You were not proud of yourself, and you knew how childish you sounded. Chris could keep his contact with anyone and speak for anyone and it was none of your business.

 “No, that’s not –“ Chris stuttered nervously. “We both just thought we should clear the air between us.”

 “We? You mean you and her.” You said again, anger bubbling underneath your breath. Hearing Chris talk about her and referring to the both of them as “we” was rubbing you the wrong way. It shouldn’t as Chris wasn’t yours anymore, and even you knew it was ridiculous of you to be upset over the word “we”. But you couldn’t help it.

 “I don’t mean it that way.” Chris knew he had just made things worse. “I’m sorry. Can we forget about this conversation?”

 You took a deep breath to calm yourself. You tried to rationalized with yourself and the situation at hand. You had given Chris a second chance, and it was only fair for you to give her a chance to explain herself too. Whatever explanation she was going to give you. That was the mature thing to do. Even if you were not prepared to accept her apologies or explanation, the least you could do was try. You agreed to the meeting.

 Sam had learned about the dinner that you were about to have with Chris and [Ex’s name] and he insisted on coming along too. He didn’t feel comfortable about you being there alone. You were thankful for Sam for looking out for you and gladly accepted his offer to join you. You could do with a friendly face at dinner.

 Chris offered to pick you up for the dinner, but you declined. You went with Sam instead. When the both of you had reached the restaurant, Sam took your hand and gave it a tight squeeze. “I’m here, all right?” Sam gave you a reassuring smile. The two of you were led into a private dining room where Chris and [ex’s name] were already waiting. Your eyes met with Chris, and immediately you could feel his posture tense up. Chris didn’t know Sam was coming for the dinner too. He didn’t like seeing you together with Sam and his jealousy and anger was hard to hide. It didn’t help that Sam was holding your hand.

 “Why are you here?” Chris couldn’t help himself scowling at Sam.

 “What concerns Y/N concerns me too.” Sam responded, confident, cool and matter-of-factly, feeding Chris’ anger even more. Without missing a beat, Sam pulled a chair out for you before Chris could do it for you.

 You glanced at Chris and saw that he was fuming. His fist was clenched around his wine glass, his knuckles white. You looked over at his ex-girlfriend and your eyes met. She was smiling at you, but somehow you could tell her smile wasn’t sincere. She broke the eye contact quickly and knowing you were still watching her, reached out to stroke Chris’ hand gently, to comfort him. You wanted to scoff openly at the nerves of her, but you held yourself back. You were not there to fight. She could do whatever she wants with Chris as Chris wasn’t your boyfriend anymore. Although you had to admit that seeing that made your blood boil. Her touch brought Chris back. He fidgeted in his seat to regain posture.

 Chris looked at you and addressed you for the first time that evening. “Y/N, I’m glad we could have this dinner. Thank you for coming out to meet with us.”

 Again, with the usage of the word “us”. You bit your lip to stop yourself from being too sensitive with these pronouns Chris was using to group himself with her like they were still an item. It was just a word and it didn’t mean anything, you had to tell yourself.

 “Yes, Y/N, thank you for coming out tonight. Chris and I are really thankful for the chance to clear the air with you.” Chris’ ex-girlfriend spoke. You might have applauded her for her effort to sound sincere, if not for the fact that her hand was now stroking Chris’ shoulder as she was speaking to you. If Chris had noticed how disrespectful this was, he said nothing.

 “Sure.” You forced a smile. You could hardly believe what you were seeing. Sam was appalled at the nerves of her and he reached out to you and gave your hand another tight squeeze.

 “We’ve already placed our order for food for the three of us, but we didn’t know you brought a guest, Y/N.” The ex said, looking at Sam. “You must be Y/N’s boyfriend?”

 You looked up at her and swore you could almost hear the satisfaction and hope in her voice. Was she hoping you were already attached so she could stop worrying about Chris getting you back? Were you too sensitive?

 “That’s all right, I can order my own food with no problem.” Sam replied curtly. He completely ignored her second comment, not willing to feed her satisfaction.

 “I ordered you your favourite, Y/N. Mid-rare steak with extra spinach.” Chris smiled at you.

“I’ll have two cod fish, and if it’s not too much trouble, could you cancel the order for mid-rare steak, please? Could you also help to ensure that there are no peanuts in the salad as she’s allergic. Thank you.” Sam said to the waiter, who had come in to take his order.

 “Hey, I ordered the mid-rare steak for Y/N. That’s her favourite! What are you doing?” Chris snapped at Sam.

 “I don’t think I owe you an explanation. But if you would like to know, if you were at all observant and concerned about Y/N, you would have known she was advised by doctors to reduce intake of red meat because of her sensitive gastric. Now that you are aware, do we still have a problem?” Sam addressed Chris calmly.

 Chris’ face was distorted in anger and distaste for Sam. He hated that Sam seemed to know you so well, and maybe even better than him. His fist was clenched around his glass again when he saw the smile you gave Sam. Chris’ fear of losing you to Sam was increasing and he hated that. He looked away from Sam, not saying a word, not trusting the words he would use.

 “Oh, you’re allergic to peanuts, Y/N?” The ex-girlfriend asked you, which you nodded awkwardly. You were uncomfortable with her sudden interest in you.

 “Can we get to the point of the dinner tonight, so that we can end this early?” Sam asked when Chris was silent.

 “Yes. First of all, Y/N, Chris and I, we want to explain things to you.” The ex-girlfriend spoke up. You were confused by her words. Chris and her? Wasn’t this dinner supposed to be about her explanation and apologies? When had this become an explanation from “Chris and her”?

 You said nothing and waited for her to continue.

 “It’s a fact that Chris and I kissed and we are sorry you saw that.” She continued, again, reaching out to touch Chris’ hand when she said the word “kiss”. This time, you saw Chris moved his hand away from her uncomfortably. “It was just a kiss, and it didn’t lead to anything else more. You don’t have to worry.” She continued.

 She stopped when the waiter came back in with the food. By the time the food was set in front of you, you had lost your appetite. If that was an apology from her about exactly what she did, you had failed to hear it. All she did was apologise for the fact you caught them in the act. And all the hand touching was leaving a bad taste in your mouth.

 “I feel bad that you and Chris had broken up over this. I mean, I thought the both of you were pretty tight.” She commented.

 You looked at Chris, waiting for him to say something. Anything at all for this evening to make sense. For this “explanation” or “apology” to make sense. For now, you felt as though you were part of a sick prank show.

 “We’re sorry, Y/N. I’m so sorry. I can understand you feel hurt and it’s all my fault. I hate that you feel betrayed by me and I take full responsibility for that.” Chris said to you, his voice breaking. You had already heard Chris’ apologies umpteenth times but you had yet to get one sincere apology from his ex. Not that an apology from her would erase the hurt, but it would at least show that she was aware of the damage she had done. Being here at this “apology”, “clear the air” evening was proving to be a mistake.

 “Thank you for the apology, Chris. If that’s all the both you have to say, I think we are done with the dinner.” You waited a while for Chris and his ex-girlfriend to speak and when they didn’t, you stood up, Sam following suit. Neither of you had even touched your food. He took out a bunch of cash and placed it on the table to cover for dinner. Sam took your hand tightly in his hand and led you out of the restaurant. You heard Chris stand up behind you but he didn’t follow after you. You wondered if his ex-girlfriend had tried to hold him back.

 As Sam walked you home, he allowed you time to process the evening in silence. You always appreciated Sam’s gestures like this. When you were almost home, you finally spoke up. “What… happened there? Did you even hear any explanation or apology from her? Or was I just too out of it to hear it?” You almost laughed at the ridiculousness of the evening. It was almost as if the dinner was her excuse to tell you she was nowhere near over Chris and she wanted Chris back.

 “All I can say is… and pardon my language, what a bitch!” Sam rolled her eyes and you burst out laughing. “So I am not the only one who thinks so?” You asked rhetorically, still laughing. You were feeling angry before, but Sam had helped you feel better, as he always did.

 “Let’s forget about tonight. Let’s go have something to eat, without a certain someone spoiling our appetite.” Sam said before leading you to one of both of your favourite hangs.

 “Sam, thank you. For being here with me tonight. I don’t know if I would have been able to do it by myself.” You told Sam when he walked you to your door.

 “I will always be here for you.” He smiled, leaning down to give you a kiss on your forehead. You felt something flutter inside your stomach and your face burning. As you closed the door behind you, you smiled to yourself. When you were finally settled in, you checked your phone and realized that Chris had left you numerous messages. You decided not to read them or respond until the next morning.

 After a night’s rest, it almost felt as if the dinner with Chris and his ex-girlfriend was a dream. That was until you received an unwanted visitor at your door.

 “Hey, Y/N, can I come in?” Chris’ ex-girlfriend stood at your doorstep. You cursed at her timing. Your roommate/best friend wasn’t home, and you knew Sam was out to run an errand so you couldn’t call him to come over. You were shocked to see her, but not wanting to be rude, you let her in.

 “Why are you here?” You asked, as you closed the door.

 “Well, you left dinner so abruptly last night. I thought I’ll drop by to check if you are okay.”

 “I’m fine, thanks.” You replied, without trying to sound too snappy.

 “That’s great then. Anyway, I made some cookies for you.” She said, fishing out a container of cookies from her bag.

 “Err, okay, thanks, but I am good.” You were slightly taken aback by her gift. Was it a peace offering?

 “Take it. I made it for you.” She insisted and pushed the cookies into your hands. “I’m not bragging but this cookie recipe is really good. Try it.”

 “Thanks, I’ll have it later.” You told her and set the container on your kitchen table.

 “No, please try it. At least let me know if they are nice, and I will get out of your hair, I promise.” She insisted again, harder this time.

 You wanted her to leave you alone so you took a cookie and took a bite. “Yeah, they’re great. Thanks.” You washed down the cookie with a glass of water. You didn’t even pause to taste the cookie. You practically swallowed the bite. “You should leave. Sam’s coming over in a while.” You lied.

 “All right then. I’ll go. Say hi to Sam for me.” You nodded and closed the door behind her. You were so weirded out by her sudden friendliness and visit. You took out your phone to call Sam to tell him all about it. Just as you hear Sam’s voice on the other end, you felt a strange tingling sensation around your mouth and throat. “Hey, Sam…” you pushed out the words from your throat painfully. Within seconds, you felt your throat tightening and your tongue felt as if it was bitten by a bee and swelling to twice its size. Your breathing became more laboured and difficult. You looked down and noticed hives all over your body.

 You hadn’t had an allergic reaction since you were a kid but you recognized the symptoms immediately. “Help… Sam.” You managed to call out before you fell onto the ground trying to breathe. You heard Sam calling out your name repeatedly through the phone but you couldn’t respond. You tried to crawl towards your bedroom to retrieve the epi-pen. You don’t remember how far you managed to crawl before you heard Sam’s voice again, this time a lot louder.

 You opened your eyes and saw Sam hovering over you. Worry written all over his face. “Y/N, are you okay?” You managed a weak nod. “Peanut… allergy…”

 “I know. I’ve called 911 and they are on their way. I’ve just administered your epi-pen. You’re going to be okay. I’m here.” You smiled weakly before exhaustion took over you and you passed out.

 The next time you opened your eyes, you were in an unfamiliar environment. “Hey, you’re awake. How do you feel?” Sam asked, as he poured you a glass of water.

 “Like death.” You groaned. You looked around and quickly registered that you were in the hospital.

 “What happened? Who gave you those cookies?”

 “Cookies?” You asked, trying to remember what happened.

 “In your kitchen. I saw it right as the paramedics were tending to you. It didn’t look store bought so I brought it along for testing. They tested peanut contents in it.”

 “Argh. Chris’ ex-girlfriend. She gave them to me and forced me to eat it. Said she made the cookies herself for me.”

 “That bitch!” Sam exploded. This was the first time you had ever seen Sam angry. “She knew you were allergic to peanuts and she gave you the cookies on purpose! I’m not letting her get away with this. If I hadn’t already reached our apartment building when you called, I don’t know what’s going to happened.”

 You rubbed your head, not believing that Chris’ ex-girlfriend had just tried to kill you on purpose. It was almost inconceivable.

 Before you could respond, you saw Chris approaching your ward, his expression grave with worry.

 “Y/N, oh my god, are you okay?” Chris burst through the doors and headed straight for you.

 “What the hell are you doing here?” Sam pulled Chris back from you angrily.

 “Get off me. The hospital called.” Chris tried to fight Sam off to get to you. You forgot that Chris was still listed as your emergency contact.

 “You don’t deserve to be here. Y/N is lying here because of you. Meeting you and your ex was a mistake. You do what you want with your ex, but leave Y/N the hell alone. You brought your ex back into Y/N’s life and now she’s tried to kill her.” Sam roared as loudly as the hospital would allow.

 Chris looked confused. “Tried to kill her?” He’s stopped fighting Sam by now.

 “She knew Y/N was allergic to peanuts. She asked about it over dinner. And the next morning she comes knocking with cookies she made containing peanuts and made Y/N eat it. What do you call this behaviour?”

 “No… no way.” Chris said in disbelief. “She... wouldn’t do that.”  

 “The hell she wouldn’t. She’s not going to get away with this. Y/N almost died because of her, Chris! Do you even understand what’s happening?” Sam was exasperated.

 “Chris. I think you should leave.” You told Chris. While it wasn’t all Chris’ fault and he had no control over his ex’s action, you were tired of dealing with him. Your heart was hardened and cold.

 “No, please. I want to stay. I want to talk about this.” Chris pleaded. His eyes had welled up in tears. “Please, Y/N.”

 You closed your eyes and swallowed the wave of tears that were threatening to crash through your eyes. “Fine.” You wanted to get this over with. You knew this was a conversation you’d have to have with Chris one day if not today. You just wanted this circus to end. Sam looked at you, concerned, worried. “Are you sure, Y/N?”

 You nodded at Sam. “I’ll be okay. I promise.”

 Chris dashed toward you as soon as Sam left the ward and reached out for your hand. You moved away, not allowing Chris to touch you. You were not ready.

 “I’m so sorry, Y/N. I really am. I had no idea she was capable of doing this.” Chris cried.

 You were so sick of hearing Chris apologise over and over again by now. “Stop, Chris. I don’t want to hear any apologies from you, anymore. Aren’t you tired? I’m so tired of hearing the same old apologies over and over. I don’t need your apologies. I don’t need your explanations. I don’t need anything from you. After what happened last night and this morning, I just want you and her to leave me alone. Please. I am tired.” You looked at Chris dead in the eyes as you said those words. You knew you were probably harsh on Chris, but you couldn’t hold it in.

 “I don’t know what else to say, except that I really am sorry that I brought her back into our lives. I had failed as your protector, your boyfriend.” Chris sobbed.

 “Chris. She… she needs help. And I think the only and the best person who can help her is you. I’m going to give her the benefit of doubt about the peanut cookies, and I won’t press charges. But I am sure she did what she did because she isn’t stable. Despite what she did, I shall choose to believe she is a good person who is in a bad place currently. Help her walk through this.” You were surprised, even by yourself that all the anger you had felt about Chris’ ex-girlfriend a minute ago was gone just like that.

 “I love you, Y/N. I don’t want to be with her to help her. You’re who I want to be with.” Chris implored.

 “Chris, maybe over the last three weeks that you were back in my life again, I did think there was a chance that we could be together again. But it is hard to think so anymore. I still love you, Chris. But I don’t think I can be in love with you. I admit that I had missed you so badly. I loved spending time with you over the last three weeks and I even toyed with the idea of us being back together. But I’m so tired.” You bit your tongue so hard to stop yourself from crying that you almost drew blood. “Call me selfish for pushing you away, but I think she needs you more than I need you. Help her get better, okay?” A tear escaped from the side of your eyes. The finality of the words was hitting you. You had made your decisions that you could never get back together with Chris. The pain of what happened, the sabotage from his ex-girlfriend, the whole circus show with her touching Chris at dinner… You just knew you couldn’t.

 “Y/N, no, please. Don’t push me away. I don’t want to lose you.” Chris whimpered.

 You reached out and gave Chris a hug. “I love you, Chris. You’ll always hold a special place in my heart and I know I do too in yours. This is where our relationship ends but I’ll never forget you, okay?” You felt Chris falter in your arms. “I love you, Y/N.” Chris whispered between sobbing. You hated breaking his heart but in the long run this might be kinder to him and yourself. You had no idea how long you stayed in embrace with Chris until a nurse came in and requested for Chris to leave the room so she could check on you. You looked away, refusing to watch Chris’ back as he walked out of the hospital ward. You hoped you made the right choice closing this door on Chris.

 When the nurse stepped out, Sam back came in. When you saw Sam, you immediately felt a wave of calm and security over the uncertainties. You knew you were going to be all right, with Sam there with you.

[mochegato]

Even the Losers

Chapter 34

Chapter 1     Chapter 33

Marinette took a deep, bracing breath before raising her eyes to look at herself in the mirror for the first time since that morning.  She knew she wasn’t going to like what she saw, knew it was going to be bad, but still flinched at the sight that met her.

A large bump had already formed and was starting to bruise along her hairline where she’d face planted during the fight.  It hadn’t hit her quite yet, only a glimmer of something edging in from the corners of her senses, but it was only a matter of time and sooner rather than later, it was going to hit hard.  It was a damned miracle it hadn’t hit yet.  One good thing about having a major breakdown, she supposed, her brain had been too preoccupied with other things to register the pain yet, but the reprieve couldn’t last forever.

A sigh passed her lips as she mentally chastised herself, she really should have swiped some painkillers when she took the Band-Aid at the hospital.  It would have also helped with the throbbing she was sure would come later from the reopened cut on her cheek.  It had stopped bleeding, but it was an ugly mix of purple and green and had puffed up to the point she could see it constantly along the lower edge of her vision.  No matter where she looked, she was reminded of it, and it was getting damned annoying.

But even beyond the wounds, she looked haggard, a far cry from the meticulously put together professional appearance of that morning, the appearance that extruded competence and screamed ‘sell me this building at an amazing deal, I’m a reliable investment’.  Instead, she looked like she'd aged years in the last few hours, and maybe the stress on her system had done exactly that.

Deep purple bags stretched under her dull eyes, small cracks lined her pale, chapped lips, and her skin seemed to hang from her cheeks.  All in all, not the sight she wanted Roy to bear witness to. She wanted him to see her as desirable, not… whatever this was.

She groaned and rubbed her hand over the side of her face, wincing when her fingertips got a bit too close to the bruise on her forehead.  She glared at her hand accusatorily for a moment but quickly decided it wasn’t the real culprit, or at least not the only one.  No.  It was a dual effort.  Guilt lying with both.

She returned her eyes to the mirror to glare at the bruise as well but caught a swift movement from the corner of her eyes.  She instantly flinched hard and dropped into a fighting stance, silently cursing herself for allowing herself to think it was over.  She knew better.  It was never over.

Her eyes darted around the room, muscles tensed to fight, until her eyes focused on large, worried blue eyes; Tikki’s blue eyes.  Marinette relaxed slowly, all the adrenaline that had freshly flushed her system abandoned her, taking all her strength with it until she had to slump against the sink for support.  It took a moment before she could bolster her strength to offer her a wan smile.  “Hey, Tikki.”

Tikki’s smile mirrored her own, thin and frail but sincere.  “How are you doing?”  Her eyes flitted over Marinette’s face intently as if she was searching to detect the truth in whatever answer Marinette gave.  

Marinette’s smile strained.  “Better.” Her eyes darted away to avoid the skepticism in Tikki’s eyes but returned quickly.  “Is there any update on Adrien?  Has Plagg said anything?”

The judgement drained from Tikki’s eyes.  She shook her head sadly.  “You know it doesn't work like that.  He can’t send me messages telepathically.  I wish he could.”

Marinette nodded reluctantly and dropped her eyes with a heavy sigh, her shoulders slumping further.  “Yeah, I do.”

“Are you?” Tikki asked gently.  “Better,” she elaborated as a look of confusion crossed Marinette’s face.

Marinette squeezed her eyes closed and dropped her head back for a few moments before taking in a long breath and slowly letting it out through her nose.  “I’m not on the ground sobbing or covered in blood anymore so…”  Her attempt at lightness fell flat, Tikki’s expression becoming contrite instead of laughing.  Marinette had to look away before she started to cry.

Tikki floated closer and raised a paw to Marinette’s face.  “I’m sorry for not getting your attention during that.  I could see it start and I tried, I really did, but you weren’t responding, and I couldn’t risk yelling.”

“It’s okay,” Marinette assured her quietly.  She lifted her eyes to meet Tikki’s, but the action was slow, like her eyes were weighed down.  “You would’ve exposed us.  It’s better that you didn’t.”  She closed her eyes and gave a sluggish shrug.  “It worked out okay.”

“It did,” Tikki’s smile was small but genuine.  “I like him.  He handled it really well.”

Marinette looked toward the door.  Her slight smile at the thought of Roy quickly faded to a frown as a twinge of guilt appeared, reminding her that while Roy had been amazing to her, supported her, comforted her, cared for her, what had she brought to his life?  “He shouldn’t have to deal with all this.  He deserves better.”

“No, he shouldn’t” Tikki agreed, “but neither should you.”  Her eyes followed Marinette’s gaze.  She quirked her head to the side in contemplation for a few moments before speaking up again.  “And he seems to be handling it really well.  I don't think he's bothered by helping at all.  If anything, it feels like this is all familiar territory for him.”  She stared at the door for a few more moments before nodding a if coming to a decision.  “I think you can trust him.  He’s good for you.”

Marinette’s cheeks darkened slightly as she examined her now clean fingernails. “Yeah,” she agreed so softly Tikki had to fly closer to hear her.  “I think he is too.”  After a moment she cleared her throat lightly and looked back up at Tikki.  “I really think you should be with Adrien tonight.”

Tikki pursed her lips and shook her head resolutely.  “I'm not leaving you.”

Marinette fixed her with a firm look.  “He needs creation more than I do right now.”

Tikki shook her head again.  “That's not how it works either.”

Marinette exhaled heavily.  “I know,” she sighed, “but it would make me feel better knowing you were there watching over him, too.  I’ll be safe with Roy and whatever Bat is on guard duty.  I’m sure they’re still watching and noticed us leave. There might even be multiple of them.”

Tikki frowned, her little red brow furrowing in displeasure.  “And Adrien will be safe with police, Max, Chloe, several Bats guarding him, Pollen, Kaalki, and Plagg there,” Tikki pointed out sternly.  “Nothing is going to touch him.”

“He’s a lot more vulnerable than I am though.” Marinette’s tone was pleading and her eyes desperate.  She needed Tikki to understand.  Adrien could still be in danger and if anything happened to him, it would be her fault.  She needed him to be as protected as possible.  She needed to know he was as safe as he could be.  “If something happens, I can run away.  He can’t.  Please, Tikki?  After tonight, I really need to know he has every protection he can possibly have. If I could bring out the entire box, I would.”

Tikki sighed, her eyes softening as she spoke.  “I know you want Adrien to be safe, but Adrien would want you to be safe.  We all do. You want to protect the world, and you have, but now you’re going to have to let us protect you.  I’m not going anywhere.”  She smiled widely.  “If I recall correctly, that’s what that young man out there said as well.”

Marinette huffed and looked away with a pout until a thought came to her.  “And he meant it,” she said carefully.

Tikki sighed approvingly.  “I believe he did,” she agreed.

“And he seems like he had the strength and moves to back it up.  Maybe not to our level, but he could hold his own in a normal fight,” she added, carefully watching Tikki.

Tikki nodded in agreement.  “Yes, I believe he could.”

“So,” Marinette continued.  She tried to contain her excitement at Tikki falling into her trap, but judging by the unimpressed, raised eyebrow, she was not entirely successful.  “If anything were to happen, he would stay with me, fight for me, and help get me out if necessary.  I can still run.  Adrien cannot.”

“You need to rest,” Tikki insisted, exasperation and disapproval clear in her tone and gaze.

“Which I can’t do while I’m worried about Adrien!” she pointed out with annoyance. “Honestly, if you want me to actually rest, the best chance is if I’m not constantly worried about Adrien.”

Tikki squeaked out a scoff.  “And that will happen if I’m there?”

Marinette opened her mouth but immediately closed it and bobbed her head to the side.  “Okay probably not, but I’ll be more relaxed than if you’re not.  If you’re here, I’m going to be on edge all night and probably won’t get more than a few minutes’ sleep.  But with Creation herself watching over him, there’s a chance I could get a bit more.”

Tikki stared at her flatly for a few seconds before finally reacting.  “That is the worst argument I have ever heard.”

“But true,” Marinette singsonged smugly, a bit of strength returning to her as she did but the finger she pointed at Tikki still waved a bit sloppily.  “And you know it.  So really, it’s a successful argument.  Which makes it a good one.”

Tikki pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes, but after a moment of Marinette staring back defiantly, finally groaned in acquiescence.  “Fine.  But when Adrien feels better, I’m going to let him know and let him discuss this with you.”

Marinette grinned widely and almost jumped for joy.  If she’d had any more energy, she might have done just that. “Thank you, Tikki!  This means so much!”

“I know,” Tikki sighed.  Her gaze softened at how excited and relieved Marinette looked.  She floated up in front of Marinette and patted her good cheek softly.  “Be safe. Eat something.  And get some rest.”

Marinette smiled weakly.  “I will. Thank you.”

Tikki nodded once before phasing through the walls toward the hospital. Marinette watched the spot on the wall she had disappeared through for a few moments, her body drooping more with each passing second.  And now she was alone.  She closed her eyes and let her head drop back, breathing slowly as the darkness started to creep into her thoughts; the what ifs, the what mights, taking advantage of her isolation to run rampant through her insecurities.

“Not to rush you, but I have soup ready when you are,” Roy called, his voice slightly muffled through the door.

She snorted breathlessly and stood up properly.  Maybe not so isolated after all.  She needed to remember that.  It was something her friends kept trying to drill into her.  She wasn’t alone.  And she wanted to believe it.  She wanted to fall into the promise of it.  And she did… usually.  But when it came to act on it, it always felt wrong.  They were all dealing with their own issues, their own trauma.  Adding her own would only hold them back, halt their recovery.  Which is why she preferred to not just handle it alone but pretend like it didn’t exist; shoved it into a tiny box two sizes too small and thrown into the deepest recesses of the ocean, then hidden beneath a blue whale carcass.  But apparently, that was ‘wrong’ and ‘unhealthy’.

She rolled her eyes but set her lips in a determined line.  She was working hard on not doing that anymore.  She wasn’t alone.  Her friends were a phone call away.  Roy was right outside the door.  She just had to reach out.  She took another bracing breath before reaching for the door, carefully avoiding looking in the mirror again.  Nothing good would come from reexperiencing that view.

Roy immediately looked up from his phone with a soft smile the moment she crossed into the kitchen, like his eyes were drawn to her.  She waved awkwardly, now faced with a different issue; how to act with Roy after her breakdown.  Almost nobody had seen her that vulnerable before.  It was a short list comprised of Adrien, Alya, Tikki, and her parents. Adding a new name to the list felt dangerous.  It left her vulnerable in a way that terrified her.

She had expected a bit of sympathy or pity in his smile, but instead she saw understanding and empathy, and she wasn’t sure what to make of it.  It felt like he understood exactly what she had gone through.  It was heartbreaking to think about what might have caused that understanding, but not something she could mentally handle delving into yet.

“Aww.  You got dressed,” she lamented playfully.  Her lips twisted into a teasing pout, but like every other playful, semi-back-to-normal thing she’d said that night, her eyes didn’t match the tease.

He raised an eyebrow at her trying to rapidly assess her state of mind.  She was clearly not as okay as she was trying to appear, even if he hadn’t been there for the breakdown earlier, he would be able to tell.  Her fingers were anxiously playing with the hem of her shirt and she was barely standing and clearly favoring one leg.  It was an excellent concealment job.  If he didn’t have well over a decade of experience hiding injuries himself, he might not have picked up on it, but he did.  If anything, instead of making him less concerned, which he was sure she was hoping her act would accomplish, it made him even more concerned.

“Needed something for you to take off later,” he teased lightly with a wink, deciding to play along until she’d had a chance to breathe and rebuild her defenses so she didn’t feel so raw and exposed.

He dropped his eyes to the food in front of him and pushed one of the bowls of soup and plates of bread toward the seat across the island, pretending not to notice her limping toward the bar seat, only looking up again when she’d climbed into it with a small grunt from the effort.  He studied her again as she examined the food.  His eyes caught on her cheek.  The cut that had been healing, reduced to just a small cut the day before, was now an angry, swollen gash.  His eyes moved on to her other injuries, because while the gash on her cheek was the worst of her injuries he could see, it was by no means the only one.  But, just like the gash, they had been left unattended.

He had to fight narrowing his eyes at her, suspicion of her supposed visit with the doctor rising with each untreated injury, but not willing to challenge her on it just yet.  It was more than a rush job, this looked exactly like what he looked like when he avoided all medical help.  But no matter how bad she looked, she still looked miles better than she had when they first got there, so he was counting it as a win.  “You look better.  Cleaner,” he qualified but immediately cringed at the stupidity of the statement.

Marinette chuckled mirthlessly.  “I don't know, I think red is my color,” she quipped without missing a beat.

Roy balked slightly then shook his head in exasperation.  “Funny.  You’re funny.”

“Thank you,” she chirped with obviously false cheer.  “I keep telling people that.  Nobody else seems to believe me.”

He narrowed his eyes at her and pursed his lips.  “You sure you’re not really related to the Drakes or Todds?” he grumbled as he aggressively stirred his soup.  “I have to put up with comments like that from them all the fucking time.”

“Apparently, I’m related to all of them,” she mumbled into the soup.  “Lucky me.”

Roy opened his mouth to respond but quickly closed it again.  There was nothing he could say to make the situation with the Waynes better at the moment.  She was likely too upset to listen and he couldn’t think of a defense at the moment anyway.

Instead, he raised the phone slightly to bring her attention to it before setting it down between them.  “Nothing new from the hospital, but there has been a request for a report on whether you’ve eaten.  There may have also been a threat of bodily harm toward me if you didn’t.”

She snorted.  Of course there was.  She wasn’t sure Chloe could talk without a threat involved, implicitly or explicitly. “That’ll be Chloe.  Took longer than I expected.  She’s holding herself back… which is really unusual for her.  She must like you.  Sorry she’s already terrorizing you.”

“It was Tim, actually,” he corrected quietly.  Her face pinched at the mention of Tim, but Roy continued as if he hadn’t seen. “He genuinely might be worse than Chloe…” he also ignored the incredulous look she shot him, “…I’m pretty sure he’s reporting to her as well so…”

Her expression turned flat when he tapped the bowl in front of her.  She kept eye contact with him, just to make absolutely sure he was well aware of how unimpressed with the current situation she was, as she slowly brought the spoon to her lips, blowing on it gently despite it only being barely above room temperature, and took a small bite, raising a pointed eyebrow as she did.  “Also, there’s no way Tim is worse than Chloe.”

He scoffed, well aware of some of the darker things Tim had done, but she really didn’t need to know about those.  It was better to stick to more innocuous topics.  “Such a small bite,” he teased.  “That bad?”

“It’s fine,” she assured him dryly as she pushed the bowl away. “Delicious.  You did a great job.  It’s so good, I’m full.”

He gave her an unimpressed sigh and raised an eyebrow.  “I’m not going back to Tim with ‘she ate a bite.’  He’d skin me alive.  And how can you tell if it’s good?”  He pushed the bowl back in front of her.  “You’ve barely had any.”

She dropped her head with a moan.  “Such a fucking dad,” she groaned, but shoved another spoonful in her mouth.

Roy choked on the bite of soup he’d just taken, coughing loudly to dislodge the carrot and give himself a few moments to work up the strength to refrain from letting her know she was more than welcome to call him ‘daddy’ any time she wanted, because, while very, very true, and despite what some people thought, he did understand the concept of timing and had a bit of tact.  “So, I’m good to feed it to Lian?  Anything I should change?”

Marinette huffed and took a larger bite, taking time to actually taste the food this time.  Lian shouldn’t have to suffer because she was in a bad mood.  “Lemongrass,” she commented.  “It can use lemongrass.”

He pursed his lips and studied the soup as if he could see the flavors.  “I put lemongrass in it.”

She flicked her eyes up quickly.  “Did you beat the lemongrass before you put it in?”

He stared at her for a few seconds.  “Of course, I beat the lemongrass before I put it in,” he insisted defensively.  “What kind of an idiot doesn’t know to… beat you said?” he looked to her for confirmation, only continuing when she nodded, “beat the lemongrass before putting it in.”

She shrugged nonchalantly but there was a smirk on her lips that warmed his heart. He was glad to see a positive emotion even if it was at his expense.  “The ginger kind, I guess… which this could also use.”

He gasped dramatically.  “Who asked you anyway,” he groused playfully.  “What do you know about good soup?”

“Not much,” she granted casually.  “My uncle only makes the best soup in the world.  Literally, won an award for it.  And named it after me.”

Roy stared at her again for a few seconds.  Every new fact he acquired about her absolutely floored him.  “Well… that’s… shut up,” he sputtered.

She snickered and focused back on her soup, missing the warm smile lighting Roy’s face at the sound of her laugh.  They continued to eat in a silence that started out easy and light but became increasingly weighted as Marinette’s emotions started seeping in and blacking out the brightness Roy had introduced.  She continued to robotically bring the spoon to her mouth as she worked through the feelings.  She felt wrong, but she had felt that way since before Adrien had been taken.  She thought the feeling had gone away but here it was again… or still.  She wasn’t sure which.

Roy’s voice broke into her daze.  “I didn’t mean it you know.”

Marinette blinked out of the rabbit hole she was quickly getting lost down. “What?”

“When I told you to shut up,” he ventured, his voice soft and enticing.  “I was just kidding.  I didn’t mean for you to stop talking.  I like hearing your voice.”

“Sorry,” she said quietly, laying down her spoon as she finally noticed her soup was already finished.

He nudged the roll toward her.  “You know, if you ever want to talk about it, I’m here,” he offered.  “Whatever you need to talk about… or if you want to avoid talking about something, I’m great at distraction.  All part of the Club membership,” he joked.

Marinette searched his eyes for a moment with a wry smile before looking down at the roll for just a moment before picking it up and tearing it apart more aggressively than necessary.  “It just feels like there’s more.  Like something else is coming and I should be prepared and… and I’m not and…” she groaned as she struggled to put her feelings into words, throwing the bit of the roll across the table in frustration.

“It’s probably nothing.  It is nothing.  It’s probably just…” she let out a loud huff.  Her mind was too full, her thoughts moving too fast and crashing into each other before she could make out what they were.  Trying to focus on one to discuss was almost impossible.  “Akumas never stopped until the end.  It was constant until the final battle.  You could win but there was always something more. As soon as you got settled after one attack, another happened.  It was never over until it was.”

She sighed and slumped into her chair.  Her fingers found the ever present burl in the hem of her shirt.  She really needed better taste in fabric. “I’m probably just… still in that mind set.  I still have nightmares sometimes that akumas are coming and when I wake up, I forget… It can be hard to remember.  I think all this just…”  she closed her eyes and took a deep, steadying her breath before finally speaking again, her voice quiet yet heavy.  “I just really wish this feeling would go away.”

Roy let the words settle before responding.  He gently rested his hand over hers and waited until she looked at him before nodding in understanding, his eyes filled with empathy.  “That kind of thing is hard to move past.  It feels like it settles in your bones.  Moving forward is like cutting off a limb.”  He squeezed her hand as he settled into the seat next to her.

“I know it’s a lot, but it’s over now.  It might not feel like it, but I promise you, it is.  There are no more akumas.  Ladybug and her team made sure of it,” he assured her, his voice filled with the confidence of a man who’d spent an entire night scouring the Justice League’s servers for any information on the Miraculous situation to make sure Marinette would never have to live through that again and perhaps a bit to see if the villain was still alive for him to kill.  And damn his luck, he wasn’t.

He shook his head to focus.  That wasn’t the point at the moment.  “Adrien has like ten people watching over him tonight.  Nothing is going to touch him except his medical staff.  And nobody knows you’re here.  I’m sure Signal is outside that window watching over us as well. Neither he nor I are going to let anything happen to you.”

He pulled his chair closer to her and ran his hands over her arms a few times.  “You’re safe.  I promise.  I can’t promise for how long, that’s just the nature of Gotham.  But for tonight, you’re safe.  The rogues are all locked up except a few minor ones and kidnapping isn’t their style.  Theft? Yes.  Kidnapping?  No. Even if it wasn’t someone who had already destroyed other rogues’ reputations.  It’s asking for more attention than they’d want for almost certainly no payout.

“Concentrate on yourself tonight.  Concentrate on resting and healing.”  His eyes grazed over her face, settling on her cut again with a frown.  He cupped her face, his thumb gently caressing her cheek just below the swollen cut, carefully avoiding the sensitive skin.  “Let’s start by getting you patched up.  Okay?”

His voice washed over her like a salve and she couldn’t help but lean into his hand and nod in agreement.  She had to force herself to pull back from instinctually following his hands when he stood to get the first aid kit.  His touch felt warm and inviting, everything she needed at that moment, and losing it felt like being thrown out in a blizzard.

Within moments Roy was back with a first aid kit that, frankly, put hers to shame, and that was saying something.  “Here,” he slid her drink over to her and held his hand out to her, “ibuprofen.”

She examined the pills in his hand for just a moment before taking them.  “Looks like more than the normal dosage,” she noted wryly before swallowing them.

He motioned toward her head vaguely as he searched through the kit for Band-Aids.  “More than the normal pain coming.  It should last you through the night or most of it anyway.”  He turned back to her and moved closer until he was standing close enough to work on the injuries on her face, seemingly oblivious to the way he’d positioned himself between her legs, his thighs grazing the insides of hers as she widened them to make room for him, her breath hitching slightly at the contact.

She almost jumped when she felt his finger under her chin, gently prompting her to tilt her head up toward him so he could get a better view of her cuts.  “If we’re lucky, you’ll be able to get a good amount of sleep before they wear off and your head starts throbbing so bad you want to ram it into a concrete wall.”

She snapped her eyes to his, her brow furrowing in concern.  “You speak like you have experience…”

He snorted; his eyes still focused on the cut as he cleaned it as gently as possible. “You don’t get raised by Oliver without getting a few bumps and bruises.”

Marinette pulled away aghast, eyes wide with horror.  He stared at her for a moment in confusion until the realization of how his words could be interpreted set in.  “Not like that,” he assured her quickly.  “He didn’t hit me.  It wasn’t him…” he trailed off before he blurted out his biggest secret.  His face scrunched as he tried to figure out how to explain how he had experience getting beaten without either lying or admitting to his nightly activities.

He focused on applying the butterfly bandages silently as he thought.  He was applying the last one before he finally spoke. “Drugs can put people in really terrible situations sometimes.”  It wasn’t what he’d been referring to, but it was true.  The depths he sunk to while high still mortified him, the worst point being when he tried to commit suicide via rogue.  He would forever be grateful to Waylon for seeing it for what it was and getting him to seek help.

She watched him softly, raising her hand to cup his cheek.  “You’re so strong,” she murmured.  Her eyes flitted over his face in wonder.  “To go through everything and decide to turn your life around and stick with it.  I’m so impressed with you.  Every time I find out something new about you, I get more impressed.”

He got lost in her eyes for a moment, his heart stuttering at the adoring look in them.  She was looking at him with a soft, almost reverent expression, which was all wrong. That was how he should be looking at her and the fact that she didn’t understand that was a crime.  One he intended to rectify.  He leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to the uninjured part of her forehead.  His lips lingered for a moment before moving to her uninjured cheek, he paused to look into her eyes before softly brushing his lips against hers.

He pulled away just enough for him to whisper against her lips.  “You’re absolutely amazing.”  He brushed his lips against hers again.  “I’m so glad you’re here and safe and I can hold you.”  He snaked his hands along her jaw and wound his fingers into her hair, cupping her face.  “God,” he studied her face in awe, “you make it impossible not to love you.”

His eyes widened as he realized what he’d said out loud.  “I mean… I haven’t… I don’t love you.  No! Wait.”  His eyes somehow widened even more, and he backed away as panic engulfed him, his hands waving wildly.  “That’s not… I’m just saying…”

Marinette snorted and yanked his shirt to pull him back against her, quickly kissing him to stop his rambling.  “It’s okay. I know what you mean.”  She ran her fingers along his jaw eliciting tiny electric shocks as she moved.  “I’m not there yet, but… I feel like I’m close… like it couldn’t end any other way. It’s the inevitable resolution.”

Roy’s grin beamed.  “Yes!  Exactly!”  He let out a relieved breath and wound his fingers into her hair, his palms brushing her jaw. “We just need a bit more time.”

Marinette matched his grin.  “Guess I’ll have to spend more time with you.”

He shook his head with a faux huff.  “The sacrifices we make,” he whispered before pressing a soft, sweet kiss against her lips, letting it linger until she pulled him down to deepen the kiss.  He reciprocated instantly, clutching her face closer and tilting her head just slightly to gain better access.  She whimpered in appreciation and let her hand wind into his hair, her fingers playing with the hair at the base of his neck as she held him close.  His hand was just grazing down her side when the moment was broken by the ding of his phone.

Marinette immediately froze in his arms.  Cold water washed down her spine causing her whole body to stiffen.  She shot her arm out to grab the phone at the same time as Roy, his longer arms just edging her out to grab it first. She was standing at his side, trying to crane her neck to see the display, in an instant.  “Is it the hospital?  Did something happen?”

“No,” he assured her quickly.  “No, not the hospital.”

Marinette relaxed but tensed again noticing that Roy was hiding the phone from her and for some reason glaring at the window.  “Then…” she prompted.

He quickly looked away from the window that he had stupidly left uncovered with a strained smile.  He had clearly been mistaken about Duke being the one to watch the apartment.  Instead, he had a ‘slightly’ demented, protective Jason threatening bodily harm if he continued to touch his sister while she was still recovering mentally and physically from an extremely jarring experience.  “Everything is fine.  That was Jason,” he answered honestly.

He opened his mouth to continue but snapped it shut with a purse of his lips as he tried to figure out how to reword Jason’s message into less of an unhinged big brother message and more of a concerned big brother message.  “He wants to know how you’re doing and if there is anything you want him to do for you.”

Marinette’s chest tightened as all the air left her lungs.  She backed away, focusing on nothing, her mind racing and stalling all at the same time.  Jason. Jason was asking about her.  She didn’t know how she felt about Jason yet. He hadn’t been one of the ones to hold her back, but he also hadn’t supported her.  He hadn’t been there.

She furrowed her brow in frustration and ran her hands through her hair.  It wasn’t that easy though.  Because he did try, didn’t he?  He wasn’t there, but he had acted.  But he let her flounder on her own.  But he’d done something to end up in prison in an attempt to find Adrien, so he’d done something…

Roy watched with increasing concern as she backed herself away from him, unsure if it was about him personally or her backing away from any human interaction. He almost jumped when his phone pinged again, but Mari didn’t notice, too lost in her head.  Roy looked at the message quizzically for a few seconds, then out the window with a raised eyebrow.  He growled at the window and his phone when it pinged again, silently threatening Jason that this better not make it worse, before turning to Marinette. “He wants to know if you want him to come give you a hug?” he added, the end of his sentence rising up in uncertainty.

Marinette’s eyes snapped to his and she let out a bark of laughter as memories of Jason’s first offer of a hug came back to her, how he backed her when Bruce was trying to push.  Promised he wouldn’t leave her.  She continued to let out barks of laughter until they came out as mirthless huffs and finally gasps for air.  Bruce. He wasn’t going to just let her be. Or maybe he was.  She couldn’t read him, couldn’t predict his actions. He’d pursued her, pushed her to open up to him and start a relationship regardless of whether she was ready for it, but then disappeared as soon as it started.  Was he going to leave her alone again or force her to face him?

She shook her head.  She couldn’t think about that now.  It was too much.  Her body felt like it was becoming heavier, every ounce of heat was draining out of her. The thoughts spiraled around, bashing and clashing, ripping through any peace she’d managed to cobble together in the time she’d spent with Roy.

“I don’t think I can…” she trailed off, her breath coming in shorter and shorter gasps as the options and possibilities and responsibilities and repercussions continued to swirl around in her head.  The thoughts began to clash more violently, shattering into shards that felt like they were ripping though her head.

Roy cursed and jerked the curtain closed with one hand, with the other frantically texted a warning to Jason to stay the fuck away and make sure the rest of the family did too until further notice.  Just a text was enough to send her back into the PTSD induced spiral, potentially erasing all progress he’d managed to coax her into.  He had no idea what effect actually interacting with them would have.

He tossed his phone, vaguely hearing it land hard, hard enough to likely have cracked the glass, on what he assumed was the coffee table, and was on her in an instant, gently grasping her shoulders and encouraging her to meet his eyes. “That’s okay.  You don’t have to.  We don’t have to do anything at all or make any decisions about any of them. Forget all about all of that, all of them.  The only decision you need to make is what do you need tonight.  Sleep?  More food? Distraction?  I can provide any of those for you.  If you need a distraction, we can watch a show or play a game, or I can talk.  I’m really good at talking for hours, usually without saying anything.  I can tell you embarrassing stories about… myself.”

He cringed at the hastily covered slip.  Later, after things had settled down, he could tell her embarrassing stories about the Waynes, all day long.  He knew enough to fill a week with nothing but stories that would make them cringe and her laugh.  But, right then, he wanted her mind off of them and onto anything else.  He slowly moved his hands up from her shoulders, barely grazing her neck, before tenderly cupping her face.  “So, what do you need?”

She met his gaze and felt her chest immediately loosen and breath slow.  The weight she felt pressing down on her moments before disappeared and her body rapidly warmed at his touch, like a blood pressure cuff releasing its pressure and all the blood returning to the aching veins.  As soon as the blood started pumping again, her mind started spinning for a different reason, remembering all the ways he’d touched her, mind and body, since he met her.  All the ways he’d made her smile, made her days better, brought her out of dangerous spirals.  “What if I said you?”

“Me?”

She nodded slowly, leaning into the warmth of his hands.  “You’ve been the only bright spot in this whole situation.  I’d go through it all again if it meant I got to be with you.” Her eyes suddenly widened.  “I mean… not the Adrien part!  I… no offense, I wouldn’t do that again for anything, but…”

Roy crashed his lips into hers, unable to hold himself back any longer.  He wrapped his hand around her head to pull her closer.  He broke away just long enough and far enough to reassure her.  “I know,” he murmured against her lips.  “I understand”.  He nodded lightly causing his nose to bump into hers before diving back in.

She matched his fervor, arching into him at the same time her hands wrapped around his shoulders to squeeze him tightly against her and eliminate any space between them.  She lost herself in the feeling, his kisses driving all other thoughts from her mind, fogging and muddling it until the feeling of his kisses and his hands were the only things that existed.  His touch flowed through her body like electricity causing their skin to sizzle in the wake of the contact.  It was too much and not enough.  She needed more.

She moaned in pleasure, mentally encouraging him to continue everything he was doing and running her hand under his shirt to feel his skin.  Her hands traced the taut muscles of his toned chest as their lips intently slid against each other’s.  He pushed harder into her at the same time she pulled him closer, causing them both to stumble back.  Marinette let out a surprised squeak as they tumbled over the arm of the couch arm into the cushions.

Roy reacted instantly, thrusting out his elbows so he wouldn't crush her much smaller frame under him as they landed.  They looked at each other in surprise for a second before collapsing into giggles.  Roy rested his forehead against hers, catching his breath and reveling in the feeling of her under him, the intimacy of the position.  His face was only centimeters from hers, close enough that he could make out the veins of color in her eyes, adding a depth and complexity to their beauty that suited her perfectly.

Marinette cupped his face, her touch much gentler now.  She pulled his face down to press a softer, sweeter kiss against his lips.  The kiss became more passionate and needy, quickly matching the fervor of their previous kissing, their hands returning to their previous positions.  She tugged at the hem of his shirt, no longer content with the access she had, needing to feel more of him.  He pulled away just enough to make it easier, tossing it haphazardly.

Marinette took a moment to appreciate him without his shirt on.  She’d had a pretty good idea what lay beneath his shirts thanks to how skin tight some of them were, but the sight of his amazingly defined muscles still made her groan in appreciation.  She reached out to touch him, her hand splayed against his chest before she even realized she had moved.

He smirked at the reaction and dove back in to capture her lips in a bruising kiss.  She almost whimpered when he pulled away but his lips were back on her before she could, pressing open mouthed kisses along her jaw and trailing them down her throat, stopping every so often to suck or nip.  Fingers tangled in her hair, pulling her head back to grant easier access to her neck.  She raked her fingers down his back at the feeling, unable to control her hands, as her leg snaked around his thigh to pull him against her hips.  Shivers shot down her spine at the moan he let out.

He started to pull off her shirt, but a pained gasp stopped him.  The gasp brought his mind to a screeching halt.  His eyes darted to her side and he wretched his hand away like it was burning her.  “We should… we should… God, I hate myself so much right now.  We should stop,” he stuttered between gasping breaths.

“I’m okay,” she assured him breathlessly, her eyes still focused on his lips, her hands encouraging his face closer.

He shook his head.  He had to use the last of his will to resist succumbing to the ecstasy of her touch on his bare chest.  “No, it’s not that.”

Marinette's face scrunched slightly in confusion but immediately stopped.  “Okay…”

“I just…” he brushed his knuckles along her jaw, his eyes following the path milliseconds later.  “I just think, if this is going where I think, where I hope, it is,” he looked back up to her eyes, “it shouldn't be when you're upset.  It should be because we're caught up in our own emotions not because of anyone else. I want to do this right.”

Marinette searched his eyes for a moment before nodding slowly.  “You're right,” she huffed grudgingly and let her head drop onto the pillows.  “This would be amazing but…”

“But it will still be amazing when the timing is better, when we’re both fully here, even more amazing.” He kissed her temple softly.

Marinette chuckled and leaned into the kiss.  “Thank you.  For looking out for me.”  She pulled away enough to meet his eyes.  “For being here.”

Roy adjusted his position so he was lying next to her on the couch instead of hovering over her. He laid his forehead against her temple and pulled her tight against him.  “Always. I did promise to protect you, and I will, even if it’s from myself.”  He huffed and dropped his head against the back of the couch.  “Even if I do hate myself a little for it.”

“I hate you a little right now too,” she groused playfully.  He gave her guilty look, mentally vowing to make it up to her later.  Marinette's lips suddenly perked up into a smirk.  “Hate sex?”

He snorted but quickly covered it with a serious look.  “I think you’re supposed to hate each other for that to work and currently I like you and we both just hate me.”

She hummed noncommittally.  “Revenge sex?”

Roy started chuckling until it became full-blown laughter.  He shook his head when the laughter died down and buried his head in the crook of her neck. “You're killing me, Fire Flower.”

“No,” she spoke quietly enough he almost couldn’t hear her.  “Nobody dies tonight.  Not because of me.”

Roy squeezed his eyes closed, mentally berating himself for his choice of words.  What kind of an idiot makes a comment like that right after she spent the better part of the night thinking her brother was going to die. He was supposed to be distracting her, not making it worse.  He leaned up again and cupped her jaw with his free hand silently encouraging her to meet his eyes.  “Nobody died tonight because of you,” he corrected her.

“And now you deserve to rest.”  He shifted until he was able to stand up.  “Come on,” he encouraged, “you can have my bed.”

Marinette’s eyes bulged at his words.  She shot up in a panic.  “I don’t… can you…”

“Yes,” he answered before she could finish her question.  “I can stay if you want.  There’s a chair I can use, or the floor… or the bed.”

She relaxed instantly, almost falling back into the pillows again.  “In bed, please.”  She smirked tiredly.  “I promise not to take advantage of you while you sleep.”

Roy scoffed as he picked her up in a bridal carry.  “Not much of an incentive.”

She hummed noncommittally and nuzzled closer into his chest, resting her head on his shoulder, pressing into the crux of his neck.  He was almost positive she’d fallen asleep before they made it to the hallway, only stopping for a second so he could slide his hand through the curtains to flip the middle finger to the window unobstructed, but just before they reached his bedroom she spoke up.  It was just a whisper, barely loud enough to carry in the air.  “God, I feel so safe in your arms” she murmured sleepily into his chest.

His heart stopped beating, no longer needing to pump apparently, just needing her words.  He was consciously forcing himself not to go back on their decision to sleep together tonight if for no other reason than she was already asleep, and he’d be damned if he woke her up.

He laid her on the bed, quickly sweeping the clothes and sundry items onto the floor then kicking them under the bed.  When she woke up, he wanted to at least pretend his home wasn’t an absolute mess. He changed into pajamas and crawled into bed, settling close enough he could easily reach her if she started having nightmares, but not invading her space.

As soon as he settled, Marinette turned over in her sleep and cuddled closer to him, pressing her body against his like it belonged there.  He studied her face, etching the peaceful look into his mind.  She almost looked happy as she rested her head on his shoulder, the way she should look.  He brushed his knuckles lightly along her jaw.  “God, you really do make it so easy to fall,” he whispered before laying down and quickly following her to sleep.

Chapter 35

Tags:

@maribat-bdbwm @jayjayspixiepop @redscarlet95 @alice-hazelwood @deathssilentapproach-blog @unoriginalmess @alyssadeliv @emotionalsupportginger @frieddonutsweets @when-no-wings-do-broomsticks @toodaloo-kangaroo @colorfulmongerpsychicranch @iloontjeboontje @wolf-for-life @maribatserver @aespades @prettylittlebutterflie @imarivers8  @certainmuffinbagelcalzone @ritacrow-blog @unoriginalmess @demonicbusiness @kking13 @lady-bee-fechin @blur-of-colours @kittenmywaythrulife @kashlyn @loysydark @nerd-nowandforever @queenz-z @crazycryptidgirl @lilfuturescars @corporeal-terrestrial @ultimatetornshipper

[hockeyboysimagines]

Bitter

Chapter 9

Warnings: Mentions of sex, alcohol, pregnancy, angst, some fluff.

PSA: A lot of people have asked me where I got the inspiration for Kaitlin, and I haven’t ever really answered it. I knew a girl who did exactly what Kaitlin is doing. In real life she was successful in derailing the wedding and ultimately broke up the people getting married. It was actually really horrible but I did base Kaitlin off of her. If you guys want a more in depth explanation let me know. I’d be happy to tell the story.

One more after this one guys😭😭😭😭Next chapter will be Mat and Leighton’s wedding!

Enjoy!!

Beau was gone when Ginny woke up the next morning, and if she was being honest she was glad he was. His cologne still lingered on her sheets as she rolled over and sighed, eyes closing again.

She felt so tired, both physically and mentally and she couldn’t decide which was worse. There was too much happening and most of it was completely out of her control. She’d only ever been not in control of a situation one time in her life, and that had been a long time ago.

Her phone buzzed twice and she pulled it towards her, seeing a message from Mat.

M: Hey. We want you to come over for lunch today? Let me know if you can make it. I have practice and Leighton’s been asking for you.

G: Of course I’ll be there. Tell her I’ll see her in a few hours.

M: Thanks Gin. Love you.

G: Love you🤍

She rolled over again and pulled herself up, leaning her neck back and forth before she stood, stretched and made her way to the bathroom to shower. It was going to be a long few days, as the wedding was fast approaching and there was so much to do. The thought of it exhausted her as she cranked the water to hot and let her clothes fall to the floor.

But she would do it because Leighton needed her.

*********

Kaitlin examined the black eye and swollen nose in the mirror. She had thought for a moment about pressing charges and having Ginny arrested, but then she remembered she’d been harassing and sabotaging for months and could get in trouble for that. She had a little more than two weeks to go before Mat and Leighton got married and she was running out of ideas. She was angry still, but it had faded a little over time and even though she had a vendetta, she felt like maybe it was time to let it go.

Maybe.

*********

Leighton didn’t bring up Beau when Ginny got to their apartment. She acted as if everything was normal, until Ginny brought him up. Even though the confrontation had been mostly forgotten due to the devastating news about Leighton’s pregnancy, Ginny still felt a little guilty for lying to her.

“Ginny can you be honest for a minute? Do you have feelings for him? Actual feelings?” She asked gently.

“I don’t really know.” Ginny sighed and leaned back on the sofa “I’ve never actually had feelings for someone.”

“Okay feelings aside, do you want to be with him? Not just sleeping with him, but actually having a relationship?”

Ginny but her lip and nodded “I do.” And then she felt tears come to her eyes “God this sucks.”

Leighton smiled and nodded “It does, but if you do feel this way you should talk to him. He thinks you hate him.”

“I kind of do. Or at least I did. I don’t know I guess I never really gave him a chance. I was so determined to dislike him, I never got to know him, until that night in Manhattan. I realized that maybe he wasn’t so bad, and it snowballed from there. But it was supposed to be just sex. No feelings involved.”

“There’s different ways to get feelings Gin. Some are fast and easy, some take a while. And if he’s what you want, I just want you to be happy.”

“Thank you best friend. I don’t know how I’d survive without you sometimes.” Ginny said the last part a little fearfully, eyes flicking down to Leighton’s stomach, where a visible baby bump had appeared.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Leighton said with a small smile.

Ginny leaned over and let her head fall on Leighton’s shoulder and sighed.

Leighton gave her a pat on the arm “Guys.” She said with a sigh.

“Their the fucking worst.” Ginny replied with a small laugh.

************

Ginny wiggled into an Emerald green dress and ran her fingers through her curls. She was due at the pre-engagement party for Mat and Leighton in a little over an hour, and she had pulled out all the stops.

She was admittedly a little nervous to see Beau, but also a little excited. She hated to say it, but she missed him. Even though it had started as a no strings attached, strictly sex type of relationship, she grew to like him for more than that.

While it scared her still, she had started to imagine a world where maybe she could love him, or at least care for him enough to explore the thought of him being a constant in her life. Love still scared her, but it was becoming less intimidating by the day.

She sighed and adjusted her dress in the mirror. Stepping into her heels and grabbing her clutch. She was ready to admit her feelings to him, to come clean about it all. To finally tell him she actually liked him, and that yelling at him was a mistake. She didn’t mean anything she said, and she wanted to try again.

She left the apartment, full of optimism and hopeful that he felt the same. She hadn’t really thought about what she would do if he said he wasn’t interested. She would deal with that if it happened.

She parked, took a deep breath and walked towards the the bar they’d booked for the party. Some people were already there, but not him. She found Mat and Leighton, conversing with them briefly before Leighton excused herself to pee.

After she left Mat turned to Ginny “Are you doing okay?”

Ginny shrugged “I guess. I’m just stressed i guess. Too much happening. Leighton, Beau, Kaitlin. It’s just been a lot.”

“Agreed. So what’s going to happen with you guys. Leighton hasn’t said much about what you guys talked about at lunch.” Mat had purposely avoided talking about Leighton and Ginny didn’t blame him.

Ginny looked at her feet and sighed, drumming her fingernails on her glass “I don’t know.”

“When’s the last time you talked?”

“Two weeks ago. He came over after I found out about Leighton, but we haven’t talked since then.” She said a little sheepishly. She hadn’t told anyone about when he came over after she found out about Leighton, simply because she had already stressed Leighton out enough and didn’t wanna add to it.

“Does he make you happy Ginny? Because if he makes you happy then you should give it another try don’t you think? You deserve happiness.”

Before she could answer she heard someone say his name and a wide smile stretched across her face as she turned.

She saw him enter from across the room, and before she could help herself she made to step forward before she froze. Trailing behind him, fingers intertwined was some girl, who had clearly come with him. She was smiling widely as he introduced her to his teammates.

Her throat felt like it was closing, and what could only be described as rage was boiling inside of her, bubbling like a volcano that was about to explode.

“Ginny.” Mat put a hand on her arm and she whipped around, yanking it away. Mat took a small step back, remembering how angry she’d been at him just a few months ago, when she’d thrown the frame at him. But that was nothing compared to this. She was almost unrecognizable, her face was twisted with rage, eyes burning into him in a way that made him almost uncomfortable.

“Did you know?” She asked quietly.

Mat gaped at her before she snapped at him “Did you know?!”

“Of course not.” He said holding his hands up.

She had a white knuckle grip on her wine glass, and for a minute he thought it might shatter. Her cheeks were as red as her hair as she downed it, and stared a hole through Beau until he turned and met her eye. He looked at his feet, and bit his lip, guilt all over his face.

Ginny turned on her heel and disappeared somewhere, and Mat let his head fall back and looked at the ceiling exasperated.

“Can we have just one day without drama? Just one?” He mumbled to himself eyes closed.

“Have you seen Ginny?” He opened his eyes and turned to find Lauren looking slightly concerned.

“She went that way, but I’d give her some space right now…”

“Yeah that’s why I’m looking for her. Is she okay?”

“Not really. I should go talk to Beau I think.”

He walked towards him and pulled him aside “Are you out of your mind? You brought a date when Ginny was gonna be here?”

“Why wouldn’t I? We were never exclusive.”

“Dude come on-“

“Look I tried with Ginny okay. She made it very clear she wanted nothing to do with me anymore.”

“Really? That’s why you guys were together just two weeks ago? I don’t get you. Just a few months ago you were hell bent on me breaking up my marriage, and you were right about that. You spewed all this nonsense about listening to my feelings and here you are not listening to your feelings.”

“How do you know what my feelings are?”

“Oh come on man. It’s all over your face. If you wanna lie to everyone else that’s fine, but don’t lie to me. Not about this.”

“Even if I wanted to be with her, she wants nothing to do with me. Did you see that look she just gave me?”

“Because you showed up with some other girl. And because she was about to give you another chance.” Mat said the words before he could stop himself. It wasn’t really his place to tell him that, but he wondered if maybe that was the only way to get him to stop being so dense.

He looked dumbfounded, mouth slightly ajar “She was?”

“Yes. What’s wrong with you?” He asked brows furrowed. Beau then felt guilty. His dream girl, who he both hated and loved at the same time was coming around to him after everything that had transpired between them and he had showed up with some other girl he had zero attraction to, because he wanted to spite her.

Mat shook his head and walked away, leaving Beau with Kerrie and his teammates. They looked awkward as they interacted with her. Now that they knew about Ginny, they were confused about why he had showed up with someone else. Sydney was looking at him with a frown, before she sipped her drink and excused herself, and he was sure she went to find Ginny and Leighton.

Elsewhere Leighton had found Ginny at the bar, 4 shots in and ready for another.

“Whoa.” She remarked as Ginny downed another one “What’s the matter?”

“Why don’t you ask him?” She said quietly, jerking her head in the direction of Beau and the girl he’d brought.

Leighton sucked in a breath “Ginny…Ginny I’m so sorry. I had no idea-“

“It’s fine. It’s not your fault. It’s mine actually, for being so fucking stupid.”

“Your not stupid.”

“No I am. What was my one rule? Don’t ever be vulnerable. And what did I do? I broke it and look where it got me. Never again.” Ginny felt a tear come to her eye and then gave Leighton a tight lipped smile “It’s fine. I’ll be fine.” She turned and walked away from the bar and disappeared into the crowd with her wine glass in her hand.

“Ginny.” She turned and froze. Beau was standing there, eyes soft, looking at her apprehensively.

“Can I talk to you?” He asked lowly, hand coming to rest on her arm. She laughed, and yanked her arm from his grip.

“Can you talk to me? No you can’t fucking talk to me.”

“Ginny please I-“

“Who is she?” She asked pointing at her. Several of his teammates had stopped conversation and started listening.

“She’s- she’s just a girl I know.”

“A girl you know? Okay Beau. Get away from me.” She didn’t look angry, but she looked sad and disgusted.

“Ginny can we just go somewhere and talk. Please?” He blocked her path. She squinted at him and smiled a little, eyes narrowing. As he took a step closer, the smell of alcohol was apparent and he realized he was talking to drunk Ginny, not sober Ginny.

“No. Let’s talk right here.” She said voice rising. Her face was flushed as she pointed at Kerrie.

“I bet she thinks wow what a winner he’s great!” Ginny said spilling a bit of wine over the rim of her glass as she swung it in her direction. She took another step backwards as he tried to take the glass from her hand and quiet her.

“And I’d be willing to bet you fucked her right there on that kitchen counter. Where you used to fuck me remember?” He stepped forward trying to hush her again but she just got louder.

“Ginny stop.” He said as she reached forward grabbing the shirt, fisting the fabric in her hand.

“ I know you think about me when your with her.” She slurred as more wine tumbled over the rim of the glass spilling on to the hardwood with a slapping sound. Lauren and Sydney both watched sadly as Ginny unraveled in front of them, and the entire bar. It was sad, to see her finally lose it. Beau, Leighton, all of it had finally made her fall apart, something she had never done. Her mistake of being vulnerable had finally come back to bite her, and there was nothing she could do to stop it from spilling over.

Kerrie had noticed this now and was frowning, eyes growing glassy as she watched them interact. She had been hopeful that maybe Beau decided he liked her, but as she watched him with Ginny she started to think he’d only brought her to get back at her.

Beau gripped Ginny by the wrist and attempted to steer her into the privacy of the hallway, eyes searching the room for Leighton. She was watching them, Mat behind her. She looked sad, knowing that Ginny had finally hit rock bottom. She came forward just as Ginny was about to speak again, and put a hand gently on her shoulder. Ginny turned to look at her, and while no words were spoken, her eyes told her she needed to stop. She had tears in her eyes as Leighton pushed her forward and into the bathroom giving him a look he could quite read before closing the door. Kerrie had disappeared from her spot and he ran a hand frustratedly through his hair and made his way to the bar avoiding the eyes of his teammates. He sat down, and felt a presence at his side and a hand on his shoulder. Mat was looking sadly at him.

“I fucked up bro.” Beau said quietly, leaning forward to let his head fall into his hands. This was all his fault. All of it. Even if things were truly over between them, it was wrong to bring Kerrie. It wasn’t fair to her, and it wasn’t fair to Ginny. And it wasn’t fair to Mat and Leighton.

Mat nodded and sighed sitting on the stool next to him “Look man. Ginny is....different. I think she got used to leaving guy’s broken hearted. I don’t think she’s ever been on the receiving end of it. It’s gotta be hard for her. I’ve never seen her fall apart this way.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt her I just...I thought if I moved on first it wouldn’t hurt as bad when she did.”

“Take it from someone who’s tried that. It doesn’t work. I was engaged to Kaitlin and I still loved Leighton, I don’t think I ever really stopped I just pushed it away. You gotta talk to her.”

“I don’t think so. That might make things worse. I have a lot of apologies to make. To you, to Leighton, to Kerrie. Ginny most of all, but I don’t think she’d even want to see me.”

Leighton appeared next to Mat, wetness under her eyes.

“Where is she?” Beau asked quietly.

“I sent her home. Please don’t go and see her. Please.” Her voice broke at the end, lip trembling “She needs to be alone.”

“I understand. I’m sorry. For all of this.”

“It’s not your fault, but this is just too much.”

He nodded and Mat put an arm around Leighton’s shoulder “Don’t get upset. You aren’t supposed to get stressed.”

“I’m gonna go. I promise I won’t go see Ginny. Sorry again.”

They both nodded and watched him leave.

“Are you okay?” Mat asked gently, turning to face Leighton fully.

She shook her head, tears spilling out of her eyes “No I’m not okay. I can’t take much more of this. Ginny, Beau, Kaitlin. I can’t do it anymore.”

“Ginny and Beau will work themselves out, and as for Kaitlin, I’m going to handle that. I promise.”

**********

He kept his word. After he put Leighton to bed, he quietly left the apartment, and made his way across town to Kaitlin’s. He sat in the car for a minute, rehearsing his words in his head. He wasn’t sure anything he said would make a difference at this point, but he had to try.

The parking lot was quiet, the only sounds being his footsteps as he made his way up the stairs and to her door. He knocked three times, and after a few minutes she opened the door. She looked both surprised to see him, but also not, and then she smiled.

“Mat. Hi.”

“I need to talk to you.” He said flatly moving past her and into her apartment. It was small, much smaller than the one they’d shared. Kaitlin was still by the door, smiling at him like she used to as she closed it.

“How are you? I miss you.” She said moving towards him, but he held out a hand to stop her.

“Don’t. I’m not here for that. I’m here to tell you to stay away from my wedding, stay away from my friends, and stay away from Leighton.”

“Mat I-“

“No. I’m talking. I’ve let this go on for too long, because I felt guilty about what happened. But what your doing now is going too far.”

“You have no idea about going too far. Going too far was saying someone else’s name on the altar.”

“And I’ve apologized for that. Why can’t you let it go?”

“Because I still love you.” She said. She had started to cry, tears staining her face. While he normally would have felt bad, it only made him angrier.

“Did you cheat on me with her?” Kaitlin asked voice breaking. She had long suspected that he had strayed from their engagement, but she’d never been able to confirm it.

Mat hesitated a seconds, biting his lip “Yeah Kaitlin. I did.”

“When?”

“The day after we moved up the wedding. And it was wrong of me. I should have been honest with you from the start. And I’m sorry.”

“I knew it.” She wiped under her eyes and shook her head “I knew you did. What other reason would you say her name instead of mine. That’s why I’m doing all this. Because you ruined my life.”

“So because we didn’t work out, you’re going to ruin my life?” He asked. What he did was wrong, but that didn’t make what she was doing right either.

“Didn’t work out?! That’s what you call that? Because I call it sabotage-“

“No what your doing now is sabotage Kaitlin! I mean this is insane! Trying to stop my wedding?”

“Did you ever love me at all?” She asked tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Yeah I did. You don’t have to believe that but I did. And I’m sorry that I hurt you Kaitlin I really am but…but I love her. And I want to marry Leighton. It’s over for us.”

Kaitlin flinched and sniffled but nodded “Yeah I know it is… I think it was over for us a long time ago.”

Mat was silent a moment before she spoke again, voice cracking “I’ve always known I wasn’t really the love of your life. Even before she showed up here. I could feel I was never getting 100% of your heart, like there was a part of it I would never see. And it was my fault for sticking around. I just thought that maybe you could learn to love me someday or that maybe your hate for her would be enough to make you stay with me. That was my mistake. I could see it in your eyes when you told me she was here. That your feeling shad changed.”

“I’m not here to rehash the past Kaitlin. I’m here to tell you to stay away from my wedding, and away from my fiancé. It doesn’t matter what you do. I will move my wedding across the country, but I’m still going to marry her. It’s over.” He said coldly. He didn’t feel the slightest bit bad about it either. He had apologized enough for what he did and he wouldn’t allow her to guilt him into anymore of it.

Kaitlin nodded “I know. I’m done with all this. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done. And I’d like to apologize to Leighton too.”

“You aren’t going to talk to her ever. Stay away from her. I mean it. I wish you the best, but this is the last time your ever going to see me. Goodbye Kaitlin.”

He walked past her and for a second she looked like she might reach out to him, but she didn’t. Instead she let him walk out the door, and out of her life for good. As he walked towards his car, a weight that had come to rest on his shoulders melted away and stayed in that apartment. He had made his peace with the situation and he wouldn’t revisit it.

He would always be thankful to her for helping him heal during the lowest point in his life. But anything beyond that was done. He was finally going to marry the love of his life, and she was what was important to him now. Not Kaitlin, not the drama and not the past.

He felt relieved and at peace as he made his way back home. The apartment was quiet as he stepped inside, took off his shoes and made his way to their bedroom. Leighton was facing away from the door on her side, and stirred as he slipped into bed next to her.

“Hey.” She said softly eyes still closed. He placed an arm gently around her waist, hand coming to rest on her stomach “Where have you been?”

“I was out. Keeping my promise.”

************

“Jesus Christ.” Beau said picking up a box and heaving it one the kitchen island “You have a lot of stuff.”

“Think of it as conditioning before camp starts.” Mat said ripping the tape off a second box.”

“What is all this? None of it’s labeled and I don’t want to accidentally unpack your underwear or something.”

Mat chuckled and nodded over his shoulder “It’s already unpacked.”

“Priorities.” Beau said snapping his fingers and reaching over to start unboxing stuff “Let’s see.” He said peering inside “Looks like bedroom stuff. A lamp, T.V remote, socks, and…” he trailed off digging in the box “Who’s this?”

Mat turned to see him holding up a frame. His smile faded a little. It was something he took with him everywhere, and while it felt a little silly he just couldn’t part with it. He cleared his throat “That’s Leighton, my ex girlfriend.”

“You keep a picture of your ex girlfriend in your bedroom? Sounds like more than an ex girlfriend to me.”

“She was. I uh-I asked her to marry me once.” He smiled but it was a sad smile “She said no. I haven’t seen her since then.”

“Oh shit. I’m sorry Barz I didn’t know.”

“It’s fine. I’ve kind of come to terms with it I guess. But for whatever reason I can’t let go of that picture.”

He reached for it and held it in front of him looking down at it. She was so beautiful, smile wide as he leaned into him, arms wrapped around his middle. Her eyes were twinkling, happy. They’d been so in love, so excited for their future together. Those people had no idea that in a year their life would be completely separate from each other.

“Do you…wanna talk about it?” Beau asked teaching into the box to unpack everything else.

“There’s not much to talk about. She’s gone you know? It happened and it took a long time to come to terms with, but I’ve mostly gotten over it. It’s time to move on.” He sighed and recounted some of the details on what had happened. By the end of the story, Beau was looking apologetically at him.

“I don’t know how you do it buddy. That’s part of why I’ll never fall in love. I couldn’t go through that.”

“Sometimes you’ll do anything for someone you love. Even let them go. You never know, you might fall for someone some day. Someone unexpected.”

“Nah. That’s not my thing. Love doesn’t find guys like me.”

[ijwrff]

Hi, i was wondering if i could request a Natemare x reader with the prompts:

Angst:

8

19

20

Fluff:

6

7

10

11

18

19

21

22

24

I understand if its too much or something but i was thinking, Mare gets into a bad place mentally or something happens to the reader (or both?) and starts questioning if the reader (femme pronouns please) actually loves him but she shows that she does and they fall back together after some mutual pining? (Im a sucker for mutual pining and just falling so completely in love with someone) ty ty ^-^

Also protective and cuddly Mare has my WHOLE entire heart, hes so PRECIOUS

Ty ty ^-^

~ ^-^ anon

So there were a lot of prompts here XD I couldn't figure out how to get Mare to say them ALL so some of them, you say to him. Prompts are also super out of order, to form a more coherent story. I have also bolded all the quotes so you know when and where those prompts are :3

Thank you so much for requesting, I'm sorry it took so long to get around to >.> But I hope it was worth the wait!

Tw; angst and some swearing but it all turns into fluff

For some reason…Mare was acting differently. You’d been together for months, and were friends for even longer before that. You couldn’t explain it, but he seemed…empty. He smiled, yes. But it never reached his eyes. When you would go in for a hug, he’d stop you. He wouldn’t even kiss you! That was the biggest key in that something was horribly wrong. 

He was who knows where, and you were sitting at home trying to think of what to do. It had been a couple days since you saw him, and not so much as a text. You’d been hiding away in your home, wondering if you did something wrong. You wanted to help him if he was struggling, but you couldn’t if he didn’t tell you why he’s been so distraught. 

Deciding to send a text, you made up your mind and took a few minutes to figure out what you wanted to say. ‘Hey Mare…you know you can tell me anything right? Are you okay? It’s been days…I’m worried about you.” It was simple, but maybe he was just stressed? You hoped he’d be alright, but if anything you wanted to be there for him. 

Throughout the day, you sent him a couple more texts. All met with silence. Something was definitely up, and you were determined to get to the bottom of it. Even after a few calls, you were met with nothing each time. One last time ‘If you’re busy that’s fine…but I know something’s wrong. Please talk to me?” You almost wanted to cry, not out of your own sadness. But out of love. Because the one who had your heart was going through something big and you didn’t know what. 

Your phone buzzed, and you quickly checked to see it was Mare. However…it wasn’t his usual dorky or even flirty self. He usually sent you paragraphs at a time, and several messages at once. This one was short and cold. 

‘Stop texting me.’ 

You were baffled. Thoughts flooded and you worried about every possible thing that could be wrong. Did you do something? Something to make him this upset? But…everything was so good a couple days ago. Before he practically ghosted you out of nowhere. This was so random, you couldn’t even think of anything that might have made him upset. It was only more worrisome. 

‘You make it sound like I don’t care…But I love you.” Was the response you sent. Maybe your words would help him, and make him realize you’d always be there for him. His response was instant. As if he’d been waiting to say those words. 

‘No you don’t! Stop the fucking mind games!’ 

This time you really did cry. He was being so harsh, but why? A deep breath and you stopped your tears. Crying wouldn’t help in this situation. You had to get to the bottom of this. If you could help even a tiny bit, it’d be worth it. 

‘Come over. Talk to me. We need to figure this out.’ Was what you sent. You didn’t know if he’d read it. Given how cruel his words sounded, you half believed he was completely done with you. You didn’t want to think that way, but your overthinking brain couldn’t come up with other possibilities. Just thinking of the worst scenario. 

However only moments later, a familiar wave of smoke passed through your room’s door. Then Mare was standing in front of you with an expression on his face that can’t be described as anything but hateful. It made you recoil back, but you knew sometimes he needed some tough love. So you tried to look tougher than you felt. 

“Well? What?” He almost growled, but he reeled himself back a bit. “What do you want?” There was venom laced in his words, and you started to become even more confused. 

“What’s wrong? You’re being hateful and I don’t understand why…if I did something wrong please tell me.” Your eyes were filled with concern, but that only seemed to make him angrier. 

He started to reach out, but he stopped himself. “It sucks because as much as I want to hate you…” He looked away, and went from looking angry to defeated. He looked at you after several seconds and finished, “I can’t.” He approached you this time, and pulled you close. 

He buried his face in your neck and sighed. “No one’s ever made me feel this way before…” He pulled back and put his forehead against yours. His look was finally back to something aside from anger. “It…scares me.” Mare confessed, and wrapped his arms around you. “Everyone expects so little from me and thinks I’m worthless, but you make me want to prove them different. Show them they’re wrong.” 

You hugged him, and kissed his nose. He did the adorable thing he always did, and wiggled his nose a bit at the action. “You already are so much bigger than the people who say you’re less…you’re kind, you care about the world and the people in it. Well…most of them.” You winked to try and lighten the mood and he let out a chuckle. 

He looked terrified after he laughed and he pulled back. “I…I shouldn’t have said all that. Shit…SHIT!” Mare wasn’t used to opening up about insecurities in any way, and a lot of people would believe he didn’t have any. You knew different, you always have. “I…have to go.” He turned around, but you reached out faster and grabbed his hand. 

“Stay…please?” It almost sounded like a whine, but you didn’t care. You needed him here with you. “I missed you…I want to talk. Help you figure out anything you can. And let you know I’m here for you no matter what. Anything you’re going through…we’ll get through…together.” When he turned back towards you he was met with the kind smile he loved to see on your face. 

“What did I do to deserve you?” He tried to hide it, but tears welled up in his eyes. “I can’t provide for you like I want to…I’m practically useless to you. You should expect better from me, and you deserve that but I…can’t help it.” Without even realizing it, he squeezed your hand back tightly. He was so scared to let you go. “I don’t deserve to love you.” 

You tilted your head, and smiled at him, guiding him to look into your eyes. “Why can’t you love me with no strings attached?” He looked shocked and you continued, “Without expectations. Without guilt, or worry, or insecurities. If I say I love you…and you love me…fuck the world. We have each other. Forget all the bad shit they say about you, and listen to your heart.” You gained a small bashful smile, “If your heart wants me then that’s all that matters.” 

He looked away again, only to be guided back to you, “There’s better people out there…I love you so fucking much, but I don’t get how you can love me. I can’t offer anything-” Mare started when you cut him off. 

“I don’t care. I love you and only you.” You held both his hands, and looked at him with determination in your eyes. “I don’t believe that there’s better people. You think you don’t offer me anything? Happiness. Something most important to almost everyone out there. You make me happy. More than anyone else in the world.” At his soft gaze, you smiled. It was the kind of smile that made him want to smile too. 

So he did, and he responded in a whisper, “I’ll never get tired of seeing you. Everything you do…I love it. You’re my everything. My world.” He meant every word, he felt almost silly for having such a mental spiral, knowing it could have been prevented had he just got over his pride and talked with you. He should have known better, but it seemed like his fatigue was starting to show. 

He sighed, and looked away from you briefly only to return his gaze. Mare almost shuffled in his spot, and decided to pull you into that deep and warm hug that he always did. Without meaning to at all, he yawned into your shoulder. You did notice him looking tired, but figured whatever was bothering him was keeping him awake. Now that you knew, you giggled softly and pulled back. He whined, and pouted at you once he could see your face. 

“Tired?” It was technically a question, but sounded a whole lot more like a statement. “Haven’t been able to sleep?” You looked at him sympathetically and cradled his cheek with your hand and rubbed under his eyes where the dark bags had formed. It was impossible to hide your worry, but it was far overshadowed by the care and love that was directed right at this man you loved. 

He leaned into your hand, and nuzzled it lightly as he shut his eyes. “I…sleep better when you’re in my arms.” It was a confession of sorts, and you knew it could be terrifying to say. Sometimes he was scared to make confessions that would make him look “weak” when he was already being vulnerable. 

You weren’t going to make him ever feel bad for confiding in you, so you grabbed his hand and led him towards the bedroom. He followed, and you wordlessly laid down with Mare. He pulled the blankets over you both, and let out an adorable yawn. He snuggled in close to you, and you heard him let out a big sigh of contentment. “I can’t believe…you actually want me.” It wasn’t in a negative or sad tone, he was just making a statement at this point. 

“Mare…you’re all I’ve ever wanted. I’ll be here for and with you, through everything. I mean it.” You leaned more against him, and pressed kisses across his arms as they wrapped around you. “I’ll prove it to you…over time. But for now…you need some sleep.” You giggled, as you held each other as close as you possibly could. 

It wasn’t long before you were almost asleep, yourself. It was just so comforting to be in his arms again. Though after a moment, he leaned close to your ear and whispered, “Thank you for never giving up on me.” You weren’t sure if he was intending to say that while you were awake or not, but it didn’t matter. Either way, you heard it. 

“I won’t give up on you. Not for a million years.” 

@serenitydusk @nerdqueenkat @thattiredanimator1t0mblr @viciouslyyearning

[raging-violets]

Meet Cute  // KendallxRiley // Big Time Rush

A/N: So I realized that I’ve written Riley in two different ways the last few years; the angst driven one with her parents dead and the other lighthearted driven one when her parents are alive. But unless you pay attention to the things I write in different fandoms, you wouldn’t really see how they’re the same character but there are fundemental things about her personality that are different with and without the influence of her parents. So, I decided to write two quick scenes to show y’all!

The first version is where her parents are dead, the second is where they’re alive. This is set around Big Time Audition.

Tag List:  @partiallypearl​ @witchofinterest​ @mystic-scripture​ @darknightfrombeyond​ @arrthurpendragon​ ​

Version 1

Kendall pushed open the door to the costume closet with light trepidation. Was there going to be more leather all over the place? Or was it going to be an explosion of red, white, and blue with tassels? Either way, he hoped Gustavo got the message that the boys weren’t going to be easily controlled. Then again, Griffin’s assistants—Obdul and Jessica—seemed to be as crazy as Griffin were and thought they were good ideas. (Though he figured, being around Griffin in any capacity of time was enough to drive anyone insane).

“Hello?” He called.

“You’re late!”

The voice came from behind a set of racks that sat in the middle of the floor. Kendall walked over and peered around it, finding a girl teenage girl his age sitting on the floor with a pencil in her mouth an da clipboard on her lap. She looked up at him, eyelashes fluttering behind the long black hair with red streaks that hung straight around her shoulders and back.

“Raleigh?” He asked.

She pulled the pencil from her mouth and said flatly, “It’s Riley. And you’re late.”

“Sorry.” He held out his hand to help her up, brought it back to his side when she stood on her own. “I just…”

“I would be too if I had to wear what you lot did when Griffin was in here,” she continued as if he hadn’t spoken. Once on her feet, she set her clipboard aside and shook his hand. She tilted her head, turning his hand aside. “You play guitar?”

It took a second for him to recognize the change in subject. “Yeah, how could you tell?”

“Callouses,” she replied plainly. “It’s all over your hands, mate.” She slid her hands into the back pockets of her jeans, shifted her weight as she cocked her hip. Looked him up and down, the hint of a smirk coming to her face. “Plus, I reckon you don’t seem the type to be in a boy band.”

“Is that a good or a bad thing?”

“I’m trying to figure that out,” she replied honestly. “Also, you’re pretty brave for wanting to work with Gustavo Rocque. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but he can be a little…”

“Unhinged?”

“I was going to say ‘completely mental’ but that works, yeah?”

“That…probably does work better. It’s really accurate.” Kendall nodded. “And, how many times do you get the chance to try to make music with some of your best friends?” Her eyebrows rose. “Opportunities like this come once in a lifetime,” he said, answering her question. “How could I pass it up?”

“Don’t you have a background in hockey?” Riley folded her arms, studying him. He looked at her curiously. “You have to do your research on anyone you’re going to work with,” she said as explanation. “Hockey, huh?”

“Hockey’s my life,” Kendall said. “I grew up playing it. I can’t imagine not being on the ice…it’s like home to me.” He suddenly felt a pang in his chest, of anxiety. Had he made the right decision? To give everything up and go all the way to California to try and see if they could be a music group? A success? But he also couldn’t sit back and have his best friend be berated and told that he had ‘no talent’ when James had all the talent in the world and then some. “But there’s always time for it. There’s always an off-season.”

“Sounds like me and surfing,” Riley said after a second with a light nod. “I never planned on being in a band, I just want to be in the water.”

“Right!” Kendall’s anxiety washed away with her words. Finally, someone who understood. “The feeling of the stick in your hands, the reverberation of the slapshot you just took, the rush of getting that slapshot into the top corner of the net as it slides by the goalie? Facing off against the line of defenders while you try to make a breakaway for the last goal of the game. Washing out all blood—and sometimes mucus—stains from your jersey but not washing out the memories.”

“Whatever you say, Hockey-Head,” Riley quipped after a second of silence. “You’re lucky you’re cute or else I’m sure that would turn off a lot of people, yeah?” She looked at him suspiciously. “You do have all your teeth, right?”

“Yes, I have all my teeth,” Kendall said with a roll of his eyes. He pursed his lips and made a show of tapping his two front teeth with his fingertips. Then started to smile and play a beat with the tapping from his fingertips. “Hey, maybe Griffin would be happy with something like that?”

Riley sighed, placing a hand on her hip. The other rested on the arm of the couch, supporting her weight. “Something tells me you’re going to be very annoying,” Despite her words, she had a small smile on her face.

Kendall smiled back.

-

Version 2

Kendall hesitantly stepped into the costume closet. He pressed his hand against the door and pressed it open, expecting to see even more red, white, and blue apparel all over the place. Either that or the massive amounts of leather he and his friends had been forced to squeeze into. His legs still had the rash that even his mom’s best lotions couldn’t cure.

The idea of being dressed in any of those outfits again was enough to have Kendall turn tail and run. But James would never forgive him, especially not after Griffin decided to take a chance on them and sign them after three days of hard work. Logan would’ve ranted at him the statistics of the time, blood, sweat, and tears they would have wasted. And Carlos…he wouldn’t have cared much; everything was an adventure to him.

But he’d never backed away from a challenge and he wanted to prove Gustavo and Griffin wrong. Still, he found himself trembling as he entered the costume closet for the fifth time in the last few days. He found a teenage girl about his age scribbling on a clipboard.

“Raleigh?” he asked, using the name Gustavo had given them.

She lifted her head, brushing her black hair from her blue eyes. A strand of dyed red fell back into her face, and she tucked it behind her ears along with her low pigtails. “Actually, it’s Riley.”

“Oh.” Kendall blinked, suddenly at a loss for words. Partially from embarrassment at having gotten her name wrong—though he should’ve known that Gustavo wouldn’t have gotten anyone’s names right considering he and his friends had almost immediately been reduced to ‘dogs’—and partially because he was stunned from her smile. Was that an accent? “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not,” she replied with ease.

Kendall felt his cheeks burn as he smiled. “I’m Kendall.”

“I know who you are.” She stuck out her hand with a warm smile. He took it, eyebrows widening when he felt the firmness of her handshake. Then they lowered in confusion when she turned his hand over and ran her fingers from his palm to his fingertips. She lifted her head, blue eyes widening in excitement. “You play the guitar?”

“Yeah.” He brought his hand back, momentarily surprised. “How could you tell?”

“A bloke like you doesn’t seem like they’d be in a boyband, yeah?” She lazily waved her hand, moving back through the costume closet to grab a rack of clothes he assumed were for him. Judging by the flannels and skate shoes he saw sitting on it. “Doesn’t really seem like your thing.”

Kendall watched her as she moved, silently wondering if that was a good or a bad thing. Being in a boyband wasn’t his thing, they were going to be a singing group. There was a difference. Still, he found himself smiling at her comment.

Noticing the silence, Riley chuckled quietly and said, “The callouses on your fingers are a dead giveaway, mate.” She rested her arms on the top of the rack and gently rocked back and forth. “So, what made you agree to work with Gustavo? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but he can be a little…”

“Unhinged?”

“I was going to say ‘crazy’ but…” she shrugged. “Your word is correct.”

Kendall laughed. “Opportunities like this come once in a lifetime,” he said, answering her question. “How could I pass it up?”

“Easily, considering you were slated to become a big hockey star.” She smiled gently when his eyes narrowed. They’d only just met; how could she have possibly known that? “One thing to learn about the industry, everyone is in everyone’s business and it’s only a matter of time until it reaches the public. Whatever you don’t want people to know…I hope you’ve got it under wraps.” She brushed her hair back from her face. “For me it’s only a matter of seconds until something I try to hide gets to my managers. Then again, my mum and dad are my managers.” She paused. “Hockey, huh?”

“Hockey is my dream,” Kendall admitted. He suddenly felt a pang in his chest, of anxiety. Had he made the right decision? To give everything up and go all the way to California to try and see if they could be a music group? A success? But he also couldn’t sit back and have his best friend be berated and told that he had ‘no talent’ when James had all the talent in the world and then some. “I want to play center for the Wild.” He shrugged. “Or the Maple Leafs.”

“Dreaming big.”

“Yeah. But I couldn’t take this opportunity away from James. He’s my best bud, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. There’s always time for hockey, there’s always an off-season.”

“Whatever you say, Hockey-Head,” Riley quipped. She pushed herself away from the rack of clothes and smiled demurely. “I think Gustavo and Griffin may regret hiring with you lot. But, you plan on sticking around, yeah?”

“As far as this takes us.”

She folded her arms. “Ace!” Her eyes dipped over him and for a moment, he felt like he was being X-Rayed. Her smirk-smile widened. “I think this’ll be fun.”

Kendall found himself smiling back.

[bonesandthebees]

I’ve mentioned it before, but I really love how much slower the development is this time around. Wilbur leaving without Clara’s blessing to go (or the feeling that this is what she wants) makes to plot a lot more interesting. It gives him a reason to fight back and be difficult. The first time around he could tell himself he needed to trust Her judgement, that was a comfort, he doesn’t have that this time around. In fact, he feels like he’s failing Her even more by getting kidnapped. He failed Her because he couldn’t get Schlatt to cancel the ball. (even if that’s fully Schlatts fault). There’s just so much internalized blame for things not in his control.

More signs that Glass!Wilbur is not alright: complete lack of self-preservation skills, only purpose is to serve Clara and his emperor even if said empower doesn’t listen rendering him useless (and he knows it) yet he still prefers being able to pretend that maybe this time will be different and Schlatt will listen to him for once (or maybe he did listen sometimes) over not being able to try do his job at all. At least he didn’t go straight into suicidal without his ‘purpose’. The no-name thing again. Phil and Techno are literally like “we don’t have time to unpack all that right now”.

Also, honourable mention for Tommy’s reaction to all the fight leaving Wilbur when he realises their goal was to make sure Schlatt wouldn’t get his advice. Extra credit for Schlatt not listening anyway. Which brings me to Wilbur being so uptight his visions and so insistent he can’t share anything about them or the emperor’s reaction to them. He hasn’t been asked (not by the Deathlings I think) but it’ll be interesting to see how long it will take before his frustration spills over. It’ll take a lot longer this time around.

Last up, Wilbur calling the Deathlings monsters. I don’t think that he actually thinks that they are monsters. He seems to be quite fascinated by them and their temple actually. He stares at Kristin's statute until he remembers that She’s not his goddess (and probably evil) and he’s not supposed to be fascinated by Her. It’s a case of aiming to hurt to try and find some semblance of control when he still has no idea what is going to happen to him. If they are planning to kill him, it might speed up the process. It’s that furious cocktail of anger, fear and frustration making him echo things he’s heard about the Deathlinbs regardless of whether or not he believes them.

It makes me excited for him to slowly discover that maybe these people aren’t so bad. And the. Discover that maybe his life is a little fucked up. All in due time of course.

(2/2)

-🌲

yeah not only is the development slower but I've actually changed a few things regarding the message/arc I'm going for for wilbur compared to what I was originally implying in someone else's dream. in this version, he's not going to get permission/clara's blessing for any of this. in someone else's dream I was speeding things up so I could fit the story into 3 chapters, so I needed clara to give her blessing so justify why wilbur would willingly go with tommy so fast. this time around, I don't need that justification, so I can actually move forward with the message I want which involves wilbur not getting clara's blessing

glass!wilbur is literally so messed up. so much internalized self-blame, not caring about his own self-preservation, the copious amounts of dehumanization—he's a whole package of mental problems. phil and techno do not have the time to unpack that shit.

oh yeah it's definitely gonna take longer for wilbur's frustrations with schlatt to spill over this time around lmao

yeah wilbur has a really weird internal battle going on where he's genuinely fascinated by the deathlings and their history + temple, because it's an interesting topic he's never been allowed to learn much about. but at the same time, he's the pythia. he's not supposed to be interested in a forbidden religion like death worship.

one of wilbur's big problems you're going to see crop up very soon is his lack of control and how he acts out because of that. he wants to try and find some semblance of control and predictability, and it's going to make him lash out because he doesn't know what else to do. it'll be fun to write lol

all in due time yes :) so glad you're enjoying so far spruce <3

[kittyprincessofcats]

My favourite Eurovision entries 2023 (pre-Grand Final)

Okay so before the final I still wanted to talk about my favourite entries this year so far (important - please note that these are my opinions before the final and they might change upon seeing all performances again, etc.)

One thing I want to say this year in general is that I don’t really have a clear, outstanding favourite. There are entries I like that I would describe as “good”, but nothing that I would describle as “absolutely outstanding, clearly the winner”.

(For instance, last year ‘Stefania’ so clearly blew everything else out of the park that it was a no-brainer for me - and of course like many other people I voted three times as often as usual in solidarity with Ukraine, which is not a bad thing.)

But this year, I don’t really have that feeling for any entry. Many good ones, but nothing that I would describe as “clearly the best one”.

Anyways, enough rambling. Here are the entires I like, in no particuar order:

- Austria. A song about a writer possessed by the ghost of Edgar Allan Poe. What’s not to love?

- Finland. Do I need to explain this one? They just understood the assignment.

- Norway. It’s just so freaking catchy, such a good melody and such an epic feeling, I love it!!! (Also Norway is still owed a victory from that time the juries stole KEiiNO’s win - No, I’m still not over it and I never will be.)

- Moldova. Apparently every year there needs to be one mythical/witch-y song and this is this year’s. I love it! (Also, if I’m being salty about jury robberies already: Moldova was last year’s real runner up, so if anyone should be hosting “on behalf of” with Ukraine, it should be them.)

- Croatia. An anti-Putin anti-Lukashenko song, but with lyrics that are so abstract and symbolical that they can only be understood through several lenses of analysis, therefore cleverly sneaking past Eurovision’s “no politics allowed” rule. Also the singers are aparently activists for women’s rights, LGBTQ+ rights and against the Catholic Church. Amazing. - My only critisism of this song is that the lyrics describing (what I’m assuming is) Putin as a “psychopath” demonizes people with psychopathy and similar mental illnesses. I get that they probably couldn’t say “genocidal dictator & war-criminal” because of the “no politics” rule, but there was still probably a better word to use there. Still a song I love, but I just wanted to point that out.

- Ukraine. Dear Ukrainians... listen, we need to talk. How come you guys are just so freaking amazing and talented that you’re incapable of sending any bad songs to Eurovision? Huh? What do you have to say for yourselves? Okay no, seriously: When I first heard Heart of Steel, I wasn’t that impressed. My feelings were kind of “Yeah, this is okay, but also a bit boring.” But then I listened to it again and suddenly the entire next day, I had that song stuck in my head. Several times, I was like “What’s this song I keep singing to myself? Oh, it’s Heart of Steel.” Yeah, basically first impressions are often wrong and it really grew on me quickly. I also find the lyrics of staying strong and keeping going even in the face of hatred and “a world on fire” very inspiring - very obviously related to Ukraine’s situation and the war, but I also feel like this song (and through it, the bravery of Ukrainian people in general) can inspire all of us to stay strong no matter what life throws at us. Amazing message.

And yeah, that’s it. No, Loreen’s not on this list and I was frankly shocked to find out she’s supposedly the favourite to win... like, it’s not a bad song by any means, but frankly, I heard it once in the semi-final and have already completely forgotten it since then, so...

Oh yeah also, as a German I just want to say - I’m not going to include our own entry on this list because that’s up for all of Europe to judge (and I also haven’t listened to the full song yet so I can’t quite say if it would make this list), but I just want to say I’m glad we finally sent something that’s at least not boring.

[micahthemoon]

December 31 2023 It’s New Years eve, the last day of the year. And what a year! I’ve experienced so many great things in my transgender journey this year. To honor those accomplishments, I’ve dedicated today’s entry to highlighting one post from each month and what I consider the most significant experience, good or bad. Here’s to a new year full of yet more great opportunities to grow, to learn to love myself and find myself. Micah is checking out. See you in 2024.

January = Sickleave I was not-forced-but-kinda-forced to go on sick leave from applying to jobs. Honesty, I fear that starting therapy would ruin my chances of starting hormones someday. But I don’t think I can wait any longer. I might need to bite the bullet and find a therapist. Pray to whoever that this doesn’t take away the progress I made in medically transitioning. Or worse make people invalidate my gender identity because ‘Mentally Ill ™’ (01/04)

February= Second appointment and BMI wakeup call After four months of waiting, I finally had my second appointment at the gender clinic! All went well except the scales. I don’t own a scale at home – I won’t risk hating myself more because of a number. Thing is, I am around 15-20 kg heavier than six years ago and at least 5 kg too heavy for top surgery atm- And I fell into my own trap of feeling horrible about my body because of it. (02/14)

March = Legally changed gender It happened! I finally got the message that my gender id is legally changed now! It feels so surreal! I’m honestly filled with so much adrenalin I didn’t even have time to second guess writing to my Banks, insurance and other important systematic institutions in need of the news! Gah, I want It all to be fixed now but it takes time and really, I am just overjoyed! (03/02)

April = Starting minoxidil First day using minoxidil!! I got it yesterday yet decided it would be fitting starting on a Monday. My daily routines are getting so crowded now both including minoxidil and tattoo aftercare. I think it’s a good thing in terms of making a routine to when I hopefully get testosterone. By then hopefully I’ve learned from all my past mistakes – like this morning where I put minoxidil on before eating my breakfast. Take it from me, minoxidil doesn’t taste great. (04/17)

May = Third appointment, reached weight goal You know you’ve mastered your mascara game when your gender therapist is wondering out loud whether you’ve started HRT without him knowing. I really enjoy how confused my mascara beards can make people. But alright back to the gender identity clinic appointment I had today. It went well better than I’d expected and if all goes well, I might be able to start testosterone way earlier than I’d expected too. And the cherry on top I am now under the cut off weight for top surgery!!! (05/15)

June = Starting a positive relationship to my body (image) Something strange happened when I was going to bed yesterday. For some random reason I started feeling my torso and I didn’t feel disgust about it? I touched every little bit of stomach, waist, and hips to figure out why it felt this neutral maybe even good suddenly. I have never liked how this part of me felt or looked so this was such a surreal experience. The feeling disappeared as quickly again when I lay down, but it did make me want to try to do some morning stretches. Success, I guess? (06/01)

July = Getting my gender validated by somebody I trust Today the camper that has been here the longest (she had 20th anniversary this year) told me that back when we first met, she couldn’t connect with me. Like I had a wall up to the world. Now that wall was gone, and she could finally see me. And she almost felt attracted to who I was now. Coming from her this means so much to me. I might not need people’s permission to transition but at the same time knowing what I do seems right to others is a huge relief. Thank you so much for telling me. (07/20)

August = An almost-approval for HRT I got the answer from the gender clinic about t. The answer is ‘maybe?’. One person was on holiday, and he needs to look at my case before the team can approve it. Don’t get me wrong I’m glad that everybody else seemed on board. However, I am a bit annoyed given that the team knew when they’d discuss my case for two months and they didn’t make sure everybody was present. Or at least let me know beforehand if not everybody could be present, so I wouldn’t get nervous without reason. (08/10)

September = An actual approval for HRT Guys!! GUYS!!!! It happened!! I am now gotten approved for testosterone!!! I am so happy I spend way too long trying to make an ig post about it!!! Sure, I still must wait for preparation appointments and blood tests and all of that but just knowing I am officially approved and on my way to get started is amazing. I even bought myself a celebratory licorice even tho I try not to snack (felt only half bad eating it)!!! (09/11)

October = Participating in baseline meassurements for HRT study I was at some pre-t tests for a study I’m participating in. We went through different physical tests, muscle strength, lung capacity together with scans of the heart and bones. Overall, it was alright especially given how awkward I’ve felt about the EKKO scan of the heart (first time since my ex I had no shirt on in front of another). What ended up being the worst was the CT because I got the dizziness side effects from the drug, they gave us. Glad I did the test but wow I am tired now. (10/31)

November = Starting HRT And so it starts fr. Here is my first (if not counting the pre-t one) testosterone update!!! I think I should maybe for the next ones try to do it before doing my mascara beard just to see if you can see any difference in my 'clean face' over time. (11/23)

December = Finding new way to measure voice pitch I got myself a new toy: a voice pitch analyzer app!! I was suggested this app by a trans friend as another fun way to document my transition and so I just tried it to make a sort of late baseline. It says my pitch is on average 173-178 hz (depending on language) which is in the female range (feminine voices tend to be classified as between 165-255 hz while men’s around 85-155; I googled it). Looking forward to seeing the changes over time. Maybe it can become a tool for gender euphoria! (12/17)