fenrisswolf

[graysongraysoff]

it actually pisses me off so much when people ask why there hasn't been any email marketing done for a webinar i am literally hearing about for the first time today

[dimalry]

Second you in loving depressed, dark circle, chronic insomniac Azriel with demonic possession undertones. I feel like often he’s portrayed as very soft uwu baby or dark daddy dom when really he’s a workaholic grouchy introvert with a fucked up sleep schedule.

Do you think he has any connections to Hel in the larger Maasverse? I’ve had a theory for a while that he’s a descendant of one of the princes which would explain how he ended up with Truth-Teller.

Anyway, just want you to know that I picture your version of both Az and Gwyn when I write in canon, so thanks for the inspo!

Yes, absolutely! Though I’ve never thought of what kind of connection Azriel might have to Hel until now. Your ask got me to think…

What if Shadowsingers, rare as they are, were actually created by one of the Princes of Hel? I wish Truth-Teller wasn’t Gwydion’s twin, but rather a long-forgotten weapon once wielded by a long-dead Prince of Hel. Azriel could have discovered it eons later, feeling a strange connection to it, as it was the very weapon responsible for birthing his kind.

(Excuse my poor attempt at drawing shadow- soldiers/beasts. This is basically what I had in mind. This too)

Let’s say Shadowsingers were once a single shadow entity. But over time they split, with shadows becoming just one part of a person rather than their whole form.

A good number of them remain in Hel, but they've transformed into strange, nasty creatures. In Prythian, there are hardly any left, and Azriel may be the last. There are a few in Throne of Glass and Crescent City worlds, but they differ from Azriel.

It is very difficult to find any information about Shadowsingers. No one knows where they come from or how they came to be.

Who gave them the title 'Shadowsinger' anyway? What if it was simply a fitting name given by a mad scholar who first encountered someone with dark, shadow powers? What if these soldiers originally had a different name, given to them by the long-dead Prince of Hel?

And let’s give Shadowsingers the ability to shapeshift. I’ve always found it strange that Azriel is considered the best spymaster in the world, yet everyone knows he’s the Night Court's spymaster, which defeats the whole purpose of being a spy. It’s like imagining a Russian spy working in an American office, and everyone there knows he's a Russian spy. (Lol)

But what if Azriel could change his identity through his shadows? That would truly make him the best spymaster. He wouldn’t need to go through the trouble of creating fake identities; he could simply turn himself into one of Beron’s personal guards. People might know who the Night Court’s spymaster is, but they’d never know when or who he’s pretending to be. Additionally, he could winnow through his shadows instead of using the typical method. By commanding his shadows, he could transport himself anywhere, making him even more powerful than Rhys in terms of winnowing. He wouldn’t need to pause for breath like Rhys; he could take 10 people with him effortlessly.

Connect that to the shadow soldiers from Hel. They used to transform into whatever they liked (like this) and winnow with ease, which is why the war went on for like forever. The prince’s army was incredibly difficult to take down.

Shadowsingers still speak the language of Hel to this day. Azriel uses it to communicate with his shadows, and only Shadowsingers can understand this language—no one else. They don’t even have to learn it.

Okay, wait—can we consider that the winning side was the mother, leading her own army? That Gwydion was wielded against the Prince of Hel? Thus, the Maas universe was forged from the remnants of that eternal war ages ago.

And while Gwyn isn’t related to the sword like Azriel is to the dagger, nor to the soldiers who fought for the mother, as a priestess who worships her, she does have that little connection.

It would be quite amusing for the Fates to pair a descendant of those Hel creatures with a priestess who worships the Mother as mates.

Good god, I somehow pulled this out of my ass. Now I have to incorporate that idea into my story cause it‘s kind of awesome.

Anyway, I’d Iove to read your fic. It makes me happy to know that people use my art as inspiration 🥹

thank you for the ask! Have a lovely day 💕

[sipho-pearl]

analysis of the soul contract

(if you haven't seen the translation for that yet, look it up or look at my original translation post here)

Major spoilers for the entirety of Gravity Falls and also MAJOR Book of Bill spoilers for like the whole thing so go look at that first, ok? (Seriously, this post makes more sense the more you know about the content of the book...and the series)

**if i make any mistakes within this analysis in terms of existing lore or there's something i should add, send me a dm/reply to the post!! or just rb it with the information lol

Under the cut because it's really long (but contains information that I believe to be very important to the overall lore!!)

There are three really interesting things hidden in the translation for the soul contract that I actually NEED to talk about because I haven't really seen them discussed anywhere else?? (yes it's divided up into sections, don't worry)

The Soulmate Passage

The soul contract passage starts off with Bill's lawyer talking about all of the things that they can legally do with your soul, but then they go into the idea of soulmates, and something about this passage feels eerily familiar.

YOUR SOULMATE WILL NOT RECOGNIZE YOU AND WILL WALK RIGHT PAST YOU ON A COLD AUTUMN DAY, NEVER MAKING EYE CONTACT, NOT EVEN PROCESSING THAT YOU GAVE EYES AT ALL. NO AMOUNT OF INTERACTION WILL MOVE THEM TO A PLACE WHERE THEY CAN REMEMBER, IN FEELING, THE THOUSANDS OF LIFETIMES YOU HAVE ALREADY SPENT TOGETHER, EACH TIME CHOOSING WHATEVER FORM WOULD KEEP YOU CLOSEST LIKE OTTERS HOLDING HANDS IN A TUMULTUOUS RIVER. YOU WERE BIRDS, YOU WERE TREES WITH ROOTS ENTANGLED, DRINKING IN THE SUNLIGHT TOGETHER. WHEREVER WE GO NEXT, WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE, I WILL ALWAYS BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

(sorry for the long quote but it's kind of important here)

He gets way too specific here, even going into the first person to begin talking about how he will always be there for you. In the Book of Bill, the main concept is that Bill is attempting to win over the reader in order to convince them to make a deal with him and, therefore, release him from the Theraprism, and he seems to be doing the same thing here with the reader.

However, in my opinion, because for the majority of this he talks about you using third person pronouns, it can be somewhat inferred that he is talking about himself and his soulmate. Not specified who that is (totally not the canonically divorced couple), but it can definitely be interpreted as him doing some introspection.

The references to loss of memory could also be a reference to how Stanley defeated Bill by wiping his memory, and how up until the last minute, Bill believed that he was back in Stanford's mind.

"THOUSANDS OF LIFETIMES" could be a reference to the trillions of years that Bill has lived and all of his exes, as well as how in every single one, he was the one getting broken up with. And, also, the many other muses that he (unconfirmed) may have had.

THAT'S DONE, BUDDY, CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE CHOSEN BILL INSTEAD.

Moving on!!

2. Bill's control over souls

**As far as I am aware, this is the first time in the canon that we see what control Bill has over the souls that he collects.

GOOD GOD! THE THINGS S I’VE SEEN. ME_ WHO AM I_ OH_ I_M BILL_S PREVIOUS LAWYER_ HE PUT MY SOUL INTO A QUILL PEN SO I CAN WRITE HIS LEGAL DOCUMENTS UNTIL THE SUN SNUFFS OUT LIKE A CANDLE IN THIS SICK UNIVERSE_ SPEAKING OF WHICH_ BILL RESERVES THE RIGHT TO PUT YOUR SOUL INTO AN INANIMANT OBJECT_ A STRANGE CREATURE_ A CONCEPT_ A SENTENCE_ A TASTEFUL BUT RUSTIC MASON JAR WITH WILDFLOWERS IN IT_ IF AT ANY POINT YOU WISH TO HAVE VISITATION RIGHTS WITH YOUR SOUL_ YOU WILL BE SWIFTLY DENIED_

According to this, Bill's control over souls when signed over gives him the ability to, (as first shown in Sock Opera, but in a more limited way) put souls into other objects, take them out of your body. While put in a more simplistic way in this passage, it is clear that he has a lot of control over souls, and, when signed away, may have the ability to do anything with one that he wants.

However, going back to the mischaracterisation present in the first quote where it sounds as if Bill is talking, now that we know it was his pen, it is clear that he also has the ability to control the souls to do what he wants.

The time limit on how long these soul contracts last for is indefinite, as Bill's soul lawyer himself says.

*Side note: it is revealed, in relation to souls, that the human soul is 21 grams.

3. The afterlives of the universe of Gravity Falls

So, later in this passage, all of the places that you can go to after you die are revealed. This is mainly important because you can see more of the in-universe lore, but also because we can see more of what Bill Cipher was hoping to happen when he invoked the Axolotl at the end of the series.

YOUR SOUL MAY BECOME FRACTURED AND PLACED INTO DIFFERENT OBJECTS_ THIS HAS NO  PURPOSE AND WILL NOT RESURRECT YOU IF YOU DIE_ SIGNEE HAS FORFEITED ALL RIGHTS TO ANY AFTERLIFE_ INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO HEAVEN_ HELL_ PURGUTORY_ BIG CORNER_ FLOW STATE_ THE DREAM HOUSE_ THE REINCARNATION PROCESSING CENTER_ AXOLOTL_ S TANK AND CONSEQUENCES HOLD_

A definitive list of all of the afterlives present within universe:

Heaven, Hell and Purgatory

"Big Corner"

"Flow State"

"The Dream House" <- The Dream House could possibly be a reference to either Bill's Dream Realm or Bill's Nightmare realm.

"The Reincarnation Processing Center" <- This is where I believe Bill was hoping to go once he invoked the Axolotl. Going by what he said in the last few moments of Weirdmageddon 3, "A-X-O-L-O-T-L! My time has come to burn! I invoke the ancient power that I may return!" It is clear that he thought he was going to be able to reincarnate by invoking the Axolotl, and by doing this, he would be able to escape going to hell.

"AXOLOTL" <- This is a reference to summoning the Axolotl when about to die, such as what Bill did. Axolotls are known for being able to regenerate, so going back to what I said before, Bill probably believed that invoking the Axolotl would give him the ability to reincarnate or regenerate.

"S TANK AND CONSEQUENCES HOLD" I'm pretty sure that this is a longform name for the Theraprism.

More Notes:

The passage is written entirely in the cipher for the journals rather than any of the codes that Bill often uses (alchemic, theraprism, combined, bill's symbols) which I believe ties back to my theory in 1.

While dogs can sense when a soul is missing, cats don't care. Not important, I just thought that was interesting.

anyway, again: if i got anything wrong in this please rb this and add more stuff!! :3

[oceanwithouthermoon]

i feel like im obligated to remind everyone that the time we see the characters spend with saiki on screen isnt the ONLY time they spend together,,, i just see a lot of people take their screen time very literally and assume that this is the case despite it being heavily implied that it isnt, and im not entirely sure why but i can guess that it may be because of the assumption that saiki genuinely hates his friends (i do also see people doing this with specific characters they dont like or that they have a specific agenda for, which i think is them being like "i feel a certain way about them, therefore saiki the narrator who gave me all the information that made me feel this way about them must not like them" which i dont really have a problem with (its just an hc) until they start arguing with people that their hc is the only right answer and saiki canonically hates that person or is only around them when forced to be LOL)

yumehara and teruhashi immediately recognize "kurikos" eating manner as saikis despite us never seeing him eat in front of them, kaido + nendo + kuboyasu bribe saiki for his homework with coffee jelly because they know hes obsessed with it despite us seeing no on-screen reason for them to know that (we do see a bit later that he walks home with them every day and he stares at coffee jelly every single time though LOL), and mera talks about saiki spending a lot of money at her workplace despite us only seeing her and him there at the same time once before..

saiki does not succeed at avoiding them, and in fact is probably not even trying to most of the time LMAO he loves those idiots. dearly.

the people i see the least true implications of him spending off-screen time with are actually, weirdly enough, the other two psychics. this doesnt necessarily mean to take that at face value and assume he DOESNT spend as much time with them, but its interesting i feel... please correct me if im wrong though cuz i would love to see more examples of these kinds of implications, for any characters actually!

[antianakin]

Honestly felt like such a disservice to Ezra "I Will Risk My Life For People I Just Met" Bridger. The "I will solo confront Thrawn and 3 ships worth of troops on the slim chance my plan works" to not even try to AT LEAST scout out Thrawn's stuff. You seriously can't tell me someone who spent a good chunk of their life sneaking around and stealing couldn't do that especially with the reduced numbers present. The literal best part of the finale was him getting the emitter similar to Kanan but where the fuck did the crystal come from

Yeah, I questioned the fact that Ezra had apparently been doing NOTHING but moving around with the Noti for the last decade. He just says it's suicide to try to get anywhere near, but... it does feel like a disservice that he couldn't do ANYTHING AT ALL and would've been nicer if he could've had more info on hand to pass off.

The entire sequence of them breaking in just felt like a video game where you defeat one group of enemies and then something happens and now you have a new obstacle and then there's a mini-boss and then and then and then. They're not utilizing any of the information they DO have on hand (like ANY of their experience with Dathomir and the Nightsisters and zombies). I dunno, it didn't feel all that interesting or unique to me as an action sequence, either. And having Ezra have more knowledge of what might be coming because he'd broken in a few times but perhaps not made it all the way or had to fight zombies a few times or something could've helped with that particular issue.

I'm actually less fussed about where the crystal came from than I am about having Kanan's emitter. Because Jedi just kind-of... acquiring kyber crystals randomly is at this point a fairly time-honored tradition. Luke gets a new green lightsaber pretty randomly in ROTJ and while I think it gets explained away as having been via supplies Obi-Wan had in a deleted scene (a quick Google search tells me that Legends apparently said it was a synthetic crystal but that the concept of a synthetic kyber crystal no longer exists so, it still begs the question of where OBI-WAN got a random kyber crystal from). And Ezra himself does exactly the same thing in Rebels back when he lost his blaster saber at the end of season 2 and magically has a new green saber at the beginning of season 3 without a SINGLE explanation of where it came from (he can't go back to the Lothal temple at that point anymore and we never see him grab any of the lightsabers from the dead Jedi on Malachor).

So. Whatever. Sure. He found a kyber crystal on Peridea somewhere, fine.

But using Kanan's emitter (and the added salt in the wound of the blade being BLUE now) just felt like lazy nostalgia bait to me. This is going to sound really insensitive and rude and insulting and I'm really sorry, this isn't aimed at you specifically, I don't think you're stupid for liking this moment, I just didn't care for it and my thoughts below are going to edge into a rant about how frustrated I am with the way this show has gone and why this moment doesn't work for me.

I want Ezra to be able to have his OWN blade still, I want him to be able to have something unique to him that reflects the experiences he's had in this new galaxy, I wanted them do something new and unique and interesting and instead they just... basically gave him Kanan's saber. Like yeah he constructed it to be new, but it's blue and it's the same distinctive emitter so it may as well just be Kanan's saber. It creates emotions because it's Kanan's saber, but personally this just felt like yet another moment where they relied entirely on nostalgia for Rebels to make the moment emotional rather than doing any real work to make the moment emotional or interesting or develop Ezra's character in any way at all. They've barely mentioned Kanan ONCE up until this episode and just as a quick throw away line to explain that Jacen might have special powers. There's nothing from Hera, or Jacen, or Sabine, or even EZRA prior to this moment that really creates any tension or emotion around Kanan's character and his loss, so this moment where Ezra just recreates Kanan's saber feels... hollow. Empty.

And given that this whole show's theme was about how great attachments are and how clinging to your loved ones is actually the only good thing to do in life, it felt a little frustrating to have Ezra recreate Kanan's saber. It SHOULD feel like Ezra trying to honor Kanan in some way and do this as a healthy remembrance of Kanan, but given the way they're acting towards Ahsoka's memories of Anakin and Sabine's choices regarding Ezra, it starts to feel more like Ezra refusing to just let go of Kanan and allow Kanan's legacy to be the things he taught Ezra. Ahsoka is DEFINED by Anakin and that relationship and so now Ezra's Jedi weapon also is defined by his master, one of the few things a Jedi has to truly identify themselves with.

We're not getting this nice message of "the master passes on everything they've learned to their student, but the student still goes their own way" so much as we're getting this really weird like... "masters and apprentices are intrinsically tied to each other for life and are the most important relationship either of them will ever have to another person and it defines who you become" kind of message. And I don't really care for it. And I think my frustration with that message took what COULD'VE been a nice homage to Kanan and made it into a symptom of something I just didn't like.

And I'll connect it to the problem you brought up first about how it felt out of character for Ezra not to be able to sneak onto the base to do any kind of recon or to try to take out Thrawn on his own at all. They don't WANT to explore Ezra as his own character any more than they want to explore Ahsoka as her own character or Sabine as her own character. Ahsoka and Sabine are just proxies for Anakin, they're variations of "Anakin as he should've been." Sabine and Ahsoka make all the same mistakes so that Ahsoka can sit there and go "Actually Anakin was always right and he was a good master and I'm going to act exactly like him except somehow without any of the genocide or enslavement bits."

Ezra I think is having a similar problem where I don't think they really CARE about who Ezra is as a character to delving that deeply into his psyche and how this time would have actually changed or impacted him or what his relationship with Kanan means to him. Ezra is just... there to be the catalyst through which to have Sabine act like Anakin so that Ahsoka can think about Anakin. So they're not trying to make Ezra act in character, they don't CARE that Ezra should be able to connect to the Howlers because space wolves are kind-of Ezra's THING. They don't CARE that Ezra should be able to sneak onto Thrawn's base because that's a major element of his character. They don't CARE about giving Ezra a unique lightsaber to explore who he is now as a person after all of this time. That's not the point of having Ezra on this show. Ezra is a means to an end and just yet another piece of nostalgia bait basically.

The thing I've said about most Star Wars media beyond the main 6 films is that it's all fan service, right? There's nothing INHERENTLY wrong with fan service or nostalgia bait. A lot of the stuff I genuinely love also does a lot of both. Rogue One, Andor, Obi-Wan Kenobi, even Rebels itself. The thing is, I happened to be the fan that those pieces of media were servicing. So I'm going to be able to watch them and let go of what little frustrations might exist as just nitpicks rather than things that make me give up on it as a lost cause entirely. I am NOT the fan being serviced in the Ahsoka show. At all. There isn't a single thing in this show that is aimed at a fan like me. There is NOTHING FOR ME on this show at all. So all of the little fan service-y nostalgia bait moments aren't hitting because I'm just continuously getting frustrated by it over and over and not getting even any real glimmers of like... "aw, that was nice though." Even the "nice" moments get slotted into the wider patterns of this show that I don't like.

So hey, the nostalgia bait of Kanan's saber probably worked for a lot of people and honestly, I'm glad it did. I'm glad there were people who got to really enjoy seeing Ezra recreate Kanan's saber as a nice homage to the character and their relationship. I'm glad there were some people who got to enjoy even this small part of this show.

I just... can't. I wanted more and I didn't get it.

[deathmetalunicorn1]

Fem Tanjiro reader X Raiden HCs

-He had underestimated you during your first meeting, thinking you were just another swordswoman, that was until he actually watched you fight a demon, handling it easily by head-butting it when it tried to attack your little sister, then decapitating it with one swing of your blade.

-He asked to take both you and Nezuko out for a meal right after you were patched up, wanting to treat you, and not wanting to dismiss his kindness, you accepted.

-Within that one meal, you had him wrapped around your finger and Nezuko had him wrapped around her whole body, doting so cutely on her, feeding her spoonful’s of a parfait he got for her.

-Is very protective of you both, even though he knows both you and your sister can take care of yourselves.

-He took a blow to his midsection from a demon, blowing him head over heels and bruising several of his ribs so you wouldn’t get hurt.

-When you asked Raiden why he did that, he just gave you a huge grin, “Because you’re important to me!” he did quite enjoy watching your face turn so many different shades of red.

-You are the only person who has ever managed to defeat him in a head butting contest after he wanted to see if your head was really that hard. You had to nurse him back to health after knocking him out.

-Raiden hates seeing you get hurt when fighting demons and working for the Demon Slayer Corps, but supports your decision to continue fighting demons.

-If you ever wanted to quit, he has more than enough funds to support you and Nezuko both if you ever decided to retire.

-Asks around all the time with his own friends, both humans and gods, if they have any information about how to change Nezuko back into a human.

-You hadn’t realized he had been doing this, so when you found out you quickly leapt into his arms, hugging him around his neck and peppering his face with kisses.

-He loves to bask in your gentle affection, laying his head on your lap, face down so he can wrap his arms around your waist while you run your fingers through his hair.

-Loves everything about you, from your kind and doting nature, your fierce determination and hard work ethic, your bright smile, your long, beautiful hair and big eyes, he could stare at you for years and still find something knew to appreciate about you every single minute that you’re together.

[lightlycareless]

What are something the kids do that get on Y/N and Naoya’s nerves?

Hello anon!!

Ngl I had no idea how to answer this ask initially because I just kept going back to the same situation over and over again of “well, I don’t think they’d like if they were being loud or disobedient” but that’s kind of expected from any young child and I think they might not really find it that irritating/upsetting, grown used to it by the 3 babies they have by now.

So, I did some research, eventually going with my mom to ask her about, you know, firsthand experiences, and she gave me one that I was completely convinced would be the #1 situation Naoya and you would absolutely hate when it happens.

warnings: none. just family dynamics :> Naoya being a surprisingly good father, he got all kinds of bad examples to not follow, after all.

The one thing that always gets on Naoya’s and Y/N’s nerves (or more like upset them) is … when their kids fight with one other.

And I don’t mean “playfully”, whining because they want what the other has or so, but rather making them cry, angry… and maybe even hit them.

This is undoubtedly the most painful thing Naoya and Y/N had experienced as parents.

The two always pictured having a loving family, strived to do everything in their power for it to happen, and even if there were some bumps along the way, it wasn’t anything they couldn’t handle—until reality reminds them that not everything was to be smooth sailing: with clashing personalities, and the unwanted occasional intervention of the Zen’in clan, it was only natural problems like this would arise.

And while both try to comfort each other by saying that sometimes siblings argue, have discussions, or do things to get in the other’s nerves… it isn’t until one of them strikes the other that they actively put a stop to this.

It breaks Naoya’s heart to see that this aspect of his personal life has unwillingly befallen them; and he has no doubts that this is learned behavior, replicated from some of his unruly relatives which he has threatened to keep away from his family…

He doesn’t how they do it, how they have this unspoken talent to stick their noses in what does not concern them, and no matter what he does, Naoya can’t make them stop, infuriating him every single time he remembers this fact!

Nonetheless, he doesn’t give up, and understanding the best he could do is refocus his efforts in what he can change.

Thus, you and Naoya teach the kids on how to deal with these emotions, explain that while its normal to feel frustrated and there’s nothing wrong with it, it’s not okay to take it out with others, specially towards close ones such as family, because it can be very hurtful.

At the end, this turned out to be a very informative and fruitful situation, just another step in their growth, having learned how to apologize, understand why certain things are not right to do, as well as assertively communicate their emotions (to the best of their ability, anyways.) or do activities to let out their pent-up frustrations before they get the best of them.

Aside from this progress, two more things develop from here.

First, amongst the activities they could do to deal with their emotions, Naoya begins to train them in jujutsu. I cannot describe how excited he is to spend time with them, teaching them all he knows of his technique (maybe I’m too greedy, but I like to imagine they took after Naoya’s technique in that matter 🤭) and encourage healthy competition and self-improvement.

Secondly, because these behaviors eventually quieted down, the kids having understood a new sense of what a family means, they all grew protective of one another (specially Naomi, who is the oldest of the 3—no one messes with her baby siblings!) an adorable sight that plants the seed of wanting a bigger family in your and Naoya’s mind, eventually welcoming a 4th member to the family ❤️

:') I like answering questions like this because I end up unwittingly developing their family, from their timeline, personalities, and how naoya and you are as parents 😭❤️

Thank you so much for sending in this ask!! I really wouldn't mind answering more things like this hehe, or if you have general hc's, just let me know!! 🥺❤️❤️❤️❤️ we gotta spread the domestic side of Naoya please 🤭

Take care and hope to see you soon!!

[bubblegum-glitch]

The Lines We Won't Cross and How They Change

Let's rewind time a little bit, back to the year 2011. I had joined this little website called tumblr and had made an acquaintance whose confidence would begin to inspire me to branch out and try all kinds of things I never could have seen myself doing before that point in my life. I began recording and publishing vocal covers to YouTube, I started showing off my artwork publicly, and I even posted a single topless photo of myself online - all because I couldn't stop comparing myself to this random fucking girl. If she could do it, so could I...

But I was determined that I could do it better.

The "relationship" I built with this online stranger is a little odd, and probably would throw up several red flags for some people. I can't explain why I felt such a strong sense of rivalry between us, and I know she never felt the same, but there was just something about my interactions with this person that made me want to always do better than her, even to this day (even though I'm 100% sure she doesn't even remember who I am).

Creepy? Weird? Stalker-y? I dunno. Probably. Harmless? Absolutely. All I can say is she is the one who ultimately introduced me to the world of "Topless Tuesdays" and the alternative modelling site "SuicideGirls."

She had posted a set to SuicideGirls as a hopeful, and being in full rival mode at the time I had considered doing the same. Ultimately I decided against it however, as the fear of any member of my family every finding out gave me far too much anxiety to overcome (hold this thought). Not to mention I couldn't bring myself to believe I was "pretty enough" to succeed.

I often wonder what would have come of that if I had ever gone ahead with that hopeful photo-set submission.

But I digress.

Let's jump ahead in the timeline to around 2017/2018 (I can't quite remember when). I had a case of the retail woes, a certificate in photography, and a foolish idea to escape the Hellscape that is customer service once and for all. The internet had informed me that feet pics were in and there was mountains of cash just waiting for me, all I had to do was step on a twinkie or two.

Long story short (or short story shorter) I failed in this business venture pretty much immediately. It's harder than you think to market and sell pictures of your tootsies.

Now, let's spin back a bit to where I mentioned my fear of my family discovering my nudity online. This is a topic I will address a bit more in a future post, but I will let you know now that although my parents do try their best to steer more towards the life of liberal boomers, they are still very uncertain of LGBTQA+ topics and VERY against sex work. I have built a strong and close relationship with my mother, but if she ever discovered what I've begun doing for work I believe it would ruin all of what we have.

Early in 2023 I began weighing that fear of my family discovering me against the possibility of actually making a living wage by taking my shirt off for strangers online. After many discussions with my husband (who has been fully supportive since day one) and a long time of back and forth with my decision, I finally decided to give OnlyFans a try.

Originally I had no intentions of posting more than some topless photos. I used what I knew about photography, photo editing, and makeup to my advantage to create some high quality, if a little bit minimal, content. Upon seeing there was some interest, but being unable to hold the attention of anyone for long, I decided to step over that initial line I had drawn for myself and posted some full nudes. Immediately I started seeing a positive response and suddenly I had a little extra spending money.

At that time I said that this was as far as I was willing to go. Excuse my vulgarity here but I had no intentions of doing pussy pics or spreading my asshole. Tasteful nudes, and no farther.

I stuck to that line for about a year, until the inevitable "Fuck it" moment I previously posted about occurred in July of 2024. I stepped over the line again and started posting some more risque content at a premium rate. It was then that my OnlyFans really started to take off and I was seeing actual financial gain in response.

Once more I drew a new line for myself that I swore I would not cross. Absolutely no video content.

But then I couldn't stop considering making that video content. I would think about it so often that I actually began frequently dreaming about creating pornographic films.

So once again I turned to my partner and we discussed the pros and cons, and eventually I decided to dip a toe over the edge and get a sense of the temperature of the deep end.

Admittedly, that first masturbation video I made embarrassed the fuck out of me. I felt exposed, I felt ugly, and I felt very stupid. But then the response to it came.

"I love this."

"That was so hot."

"You're so gorgeous."

"More, please."

So I decided to try again, and again, and then suddenly I fucking LOVED making the videos. The sense of empowerment, the ego boost - It gives me this absolute sense of control. Something I have been missing in every single career I've ever had in my life.

It was about the third video that I realized "This is it. This is exactly what I want to keep doing with my life for the next several years."

But this is the point where I want to say this to anyone reading my blog who is considering this vocation as a future (or even current) option:

Set your rules early. Understand what you do and do not feel comfortable doing, and express that to your followers. You NEVER have to do anything that you are not comfortable with, even if it's what people are trying to push you to do. At the end of the day it is about your level of comfort, not their level of enjoyment. Set the line you will not cross and do not cross it unless YOU want to. You might have to work a little harder to build a community, but you can get there.

I still have multiple things I will not do, some of which I will likely never do, and others I might be open to one day exploring.

There is no timeline in existence where I will ever be comfortable sexting someone. I'm not even comfortable doing that with my own husband. It's just not for me.

I will not do the dom/sub stuff.

BDSM - Yeah, not happening.

Fetish content - It depends, I have no problem sitting on a cake and giving my husband a foot job, but most Fetish content is a nope from me.

Threesomes? Absolutely not.

Meetups? Hell to the fucking no. My husband is the only person I'm sleeping with and I'm firm on that, thank you.

In this industry you are the boss. What you say goes and your followers can either take what you're giving and appreciate what you do, or they can pack up and find someone else to pester with their more extreme requests.

Who you are and what your destiny is belongs to you and only you. Don't let anyone convince you to change if that's not what you want to do.

Never be afraid to say no.

---

As a side note before I close out this entry, I've opened up an Askfm account so you can ask me anything anonymously. It can be about me, about my journey, or even just general advice for starting work in this industry. I'm by no means an expert, but if I can offer some insight to help you out I would be honoured to do so!

[flameleadsarc]

@firsthcmuculus asked: "Wow! The Flame Alchemist in person!"

He knew that voice.

Forced to run his own errands today, the Colonel's trip to the library was supposed to be short. Half an hour later, with several books in his hands, he realized he needed to speed this errand along lest the stack of papers on his desk grow even larger. It already sat at somewhere around three inches tall. Any more, and he would be stuck in his office every night and day until he was in his sixties.

But, what did that matter when he heard a voice that paused every single thought in his mind?

Most, if not all, of the general public knew about Selim Bradley. Colonel Mustang was no exception to that. If asked even a month ago, he would not have had much to say about Selim. He was the Fuhrer's son, and the two of them had not crossed paths as there was no reason for them to. From the little he knew, he seemed like a nice enough kid.

A nice enough kid who happened to be a Homunculus, apparently. The Lieutenant ensured he got that bit of information. She still did her due diligence to protect him.

He had to protect her, and everyone else ensnared in the Homunculi's plans, in kind. Hearing Selim's voice, the Colonel shifted his gaze to him and gave him a simple smile. This conversation didn't have to be a difficult one. As long as he continued to act clueless, everyone would be none the wiser.

"That's me. It's good to finally meet you, Selim."

[jihyocentric]

vampire! nayeon and vampire hunter! jihyo. at first, they definitely hate each other but after ended up on the same bed more than one time, jihyo started to forget what her job is while nayeon started to fall in love with jihyo...

happy holiday, lumi!

happy holidays for you too anonie! i didn't know exactly what to write here but i hope you like it still 🤍

-

"lovely to see you, park."

jihyo was on alert but didn't flinch at the feeling of nayeon's cold hands touching her shoulders. jihyo was wearing a warm coat, but she could remember how nayeon's hands felt over her skin. the reminiscences of those nights where she surrendered and gave herself for nayeon were still fresh in her mind.

"you're not trying to kill me again, are you?" nayeon coos, reaching closer to jihyo's back. she pulls the younger to meet her front and kisses her neck, unbothered by the dagger in jihyo's hand, knowing that her human, jihyo, wasn't a threat. at least for now. "i've already warned you not to wander in these woods. i'm not always here to protect you, you know?"

"i don't need you to protect me." jihyo replies, holding her breath at the feeling of nayeon's sharp teeth against her bare neck. the sly vampire was clearly smiling.

jihyo had been on a mission. she was sent there by in order to kill those like nayeon. but it seems that after their first encounter, she couldn't find any other vampires. it was only nayeon, every single time. and, much to jihyo's frustration, she could never kill her. she tried to, countless times, until eventually she gave away and nayeon managed to make her fall into her charms.

it was truly disappointing. that was jihyo's job, she did it for her beliefs, but even when nayeon was vulnerable and she had the golden chance to sink a knife in the vampire's heart, jihyo wouldn't. unfortunately, she no longer saw nayeon as the creature she was supposed to be hunting.

"why are you here?" nayeon asks, letting go of jihyo. she walks slowly, stopping when she faces jihyo. "missed me?"

nayeon may be against jihyo's nature, but she liked jihyo. even if jihyo has killed some of her kind, nayeon couldn't hate her, really. in all of the decades that she has been alive, nayeon has only ever killed one of jihyo's kind. it was right after she got turned into a vampire and she was thirsty. it wasn't her fault really, she couldn't control it. but not every vampire was like her, so jihyo wasn't unreasonable to think the opposite.

jihyo places the dagger back in her belt. "i did."

nayeon smiles, holding jihyo's waist tightly in her hands. "my place or yours?"

the answer was always nayeon's place. jihyo couldn't risk people noticing she had a vampire with her, not when she was born and raised in a hunter community. she would get herself in real trouble if anyone found out about her escapades with nayeon, the leader of the local vampire clan. her parents would be disappointed and the people she worked for would be angry. knowing that always made jihyo feel guilty after being with nayeon.

but she couldn't have enough. not when nayeon introduced her to the pleasures of sex and taught her a new feeling that jihyo couldn't quite put a name on yet, but it was something dangerously close to what she perceived as love.

nayeon's place became their nest for when they needed somewhere to be themselves together. jihyo guessed that the house was too big for only one person to live in but she never questioned, not wanting to know any information that she could use against nayeon if anything happened. she'd rather not ask and only focus on nayeon. nayeon and her hands all over her body.

"i have to go back." jihyo breaks away from nayeon's kiss. she was fully bare just like nayeon, straddling the vampire after hours of pure sin. apparently, nayeon never got tired. jihyo's human body tried to keep up but it was no good, they always ended up still awake in the morning.

"or you could just stay with me." nayeon offers, and jihyo isn't sure of how many time she has heard this, but it was certainly a lot of them. "forever."

the kisses on jihyo's neck were the hunter's weak spot, and she liked it especially when she felt nayeon's fangs close to ripping her skin apart. it was risky, felt dangerous and nothing could top the sensation of being nayeon's prey.

"nayeon." jihyo calls, trying to push nayeon away by the shoulders. "we've talked about this already. take me back."

jihyo couldn't give what nayeon wanted. despite knowing jihyo wouldn't give her humanity away that easily, nayeon was still disappointed.

"you smell amazing." nayeon ignores jihyo's request for a brief moment. "i wonder how it would be to sink my fangs in you and get a little taste..."

jihyo manages to push nayeon away, gritting her teeth. "keep doing that and the next time i see you i'll-"

"was just kidding, relax cutie." nayeon laughs. "get dressed and i'll take you back."

nayeon sighs when jihyo gets up and searches for her clothes. it was a common thing to see by now. every chance they got to be together, nayeon made sure to give her human a sweet night to remember and then take her back to their meeting spot in the woods. the vampire was a bit disappointed that her favorite human already had to go — she only got to see jihyo two times a week at max, that wasn't enough, but she was more than eager for their next encounter.

at least her room would still smell like jihyo for a good while, and nayeon would gladly ignore every question that her friends might do when they get a hint of human scent.

[rafor]

Chapter 11 - A talk between brothers - The Glitch

The sentries did their job perfectly. They returned with advance notice of Michael and Gabriel’s arrival, as requested, in less than a day. That single day of pause gave me time to study the notes of Gabriel and Michael. They contained information about how they worked to help Gabriel reunite his split souls. Reading them redirected me to another book, a story that felt like fantasy and was unreal but may have actually happened. It finally explained to me why it took them so long to get back to me after I freed them when I changed my mind after winning the Battles of the Archangels. They had found a solution for him before starting to search for me. I had believed that they didn’t search for me immediately because they didn’t know about self-made universes, but I was actually wrong. They knew about them and even used one to put both Gabriel souls on a mission. Reading this made me wonder if they were going to do the same with me, if I was soon to get somewhat exiled just to become one again. A mission that could get me away from them and this place for many years. Way more than what I recently experienced during my rebirth life. I couldn’t find another solution, and sticking to something that had been proven to work before seemed like the wisest choice to make. So I began reading the same books that Michael read sometimes as fast as I could, some of which felt really not like books for him. Fantasy for anyone of any age. Why did he read them or have them in his library? I knew he read them because he always put a mark on those he “reviewed” after finishing reading them, and the mark looked authentic, so it wasn’t made by someone else who somehow got access to his books.

When they finally arrived, I was overjoyed to see them, but they were worried since I didn’t tell them why I called them back. Their worry turned into curiosity when Michael noticed that Gabriel was back too and immediately started questioning him about where he had been and why he had been missing for so long. He explained some personal research about mythological creatures, one of which was the one I saw through the Heaven’s Eye. The mission for Gabriel when he was split into two souls happened, as already said, in a kind of fantasy universe where magic was in the first realm too, and so every kind of creature existed. Gabriel wished to bring them into our universe too, but made sure they would be in the third realm and unable to bring any chaos to such a peaceful realm. Shortly after they were done with their discussion, the attention got back to me, and then they also noticed Perx. They were smart enough to understand one of the reasons I called them back. Since Gabriel didn’t even know that I was back, Michael and I had to tell him the whole story and find new problems to solve. Gabriel didn’t really know what he could do to help with that except tell me what I already concluded by reading their notes. Again, I got told about his story and all his experiences, how it was great but it took many years, and everything else that we don’t have to talk about here twice.

When we were done, they asked Perx directly why he was suddenly back, and he said half a lie. I was unsure if what he had told me as a reason before was more or less probable than this new one. He told them that he was back because he noticed that he suddenly had two links instead of one, and so he reached for their source in heaven and started investigating. They kept discussing that until it got into a very heavy subject that I didn’t like to hear, about him not following orders, about him being just lucky to exist only because he was my pawn. When that became a point of discussion, I jumped in to stop it. Perx showed me that he had more than enough will to still help us but was just doing it in his way while being afraid of the consequences. If I knew that less than a couple of centuries later he’d become a terrible threat, I’d have cut the links and terminated him exactly as they had already agreed to do.

Moving on, I told them about my discoveries and about the fact that I did something that I usually never did, which was to start reading something properly, especially something made by us that I usually never wished to read. They didn’t show appreciation for my efforts, but they asked me what I had done and if I had reached any kind of solution. I told them that I was more than willing to get involved in a mission like Gabriel’s to help the glitched soul find himself and eventually trigger the merge on its own.

Their look jumped from surprised by me telling them that and almost proud to something so depressing that it felt like they were about to cry, and it wasn’t a cry of joy. I was confused about why they were having such a reaction. They eventually said, or at least Gabriel did, “It will be like dying again, you know? I want you to know, from experience, about that.” And I did already know about that, so I replied, “I’m aware, but I’m willing to take the risk. Maybe this is a sign that my time has come.” Michael added, “Are you really sure of that? How can we even begin if the other Raphael is still asleep? It is still asleep, isn’t it?” So I replied, “It is, and I’m sure about my decision. I’ll forcefully wake him up again, even if that means that his memories could be erased.” Gabriel interrupted, “Not really. They won’t be erased, just temporarily frozen. I could remember everything again in a matter of days.” I questioned, “Are we talking about the second soul or the main one?" and he replied, ”About the one that was affected and got to experience the tale. Which is me now, perhaps." I didn’t dare to ask about anything else. And they didn’t dare to keep going with the discussion. Instead, we went to the core of heaven to get to talk about this better, to plan on using a new or already existing universe for such a mission, and when to exactly put the human Raphael into it to make sure he wouldn’t just die a minute later getting into it. Perx, meanwhile, fell to a secondary priority.

[kyanitesaphire]

Lightning In A Bottle chapter 3

Spencer could feel all eyes on him as he settled in at his desk the next day. His team wasn’t even subtle about it. He did his best to ignore them and not give in to their wordless curiosity. If they wanted to know something, they would have to ask for it themselves. Nearly twenty minutes of solid focused work had passed before Derek finally gave in to his burning curiosity and spoke up.

“Ok kid, spill it. How did it go last night with you and your mistress of the hunt.” Spencer furrowed his brows at Derek’s choice of nickname.

“It went well…Mistress of the hunt? Really?”

“Yeah. Her and her hounds. Were they as big as they sounded?”

“Bigger believe it or not.” Spencer boasted as he pulled out the photo printouts and held them up. Derek got up from his desk to inspect the images.

“Woah! Damn, you ain’t kidding. The one on your lap looks as big as a horse.” Derek exclaimed. “So which ones which?”

“That one’s Zeus and that’s Raijin.” Spencer distinguished while pointing them out in the photo. He drew Derek’s attention to the second photo. “And that is Éclair.”

“Alright, I see how it is. You like a foxy lady with a little spunk.” Derek teased gesturing to the blue streaks and trimming in her hair. Spencer tried and failed horribly to conceal his amusement with his comrades speculation. The other hyper vigilant members of the team who had been listening in all sprung from their desks upon hearing that there was a picture of this mysterious new woman in Spencer’s life, eager to get a glimpse for themselves. They all gushed over the pictures although Penelope’s focus was more on the dogs. “So tell me, when you say ‘it went well' how well are we talking?”

“Oh! Yes! Do tell, I want all of the details! Was it like a 90’s rom-com? Was there intense passion and romance?” Penelope inquired hastily.

“I’m not sure what kind of dog walks you go on that would include ‘intense passion and romance’ Garcia, but I can tell you this was not one of them.” Spencer said in a calm but concerned tone. “As to how well it went exactly, well, I’m supposed to go to her place for a movie night so long as we don’t get a case today.”

“Oh yeah? And how does this Lurch fella feel about that? And who is he by the way?” Derek asked.

“He's her guardian apparently. His job is to basically keep her in line and take care of her until she’s deemed fit to be on her own.” Spencer explained pulling out Éclair’s file from his bag and setting it on his desk. “And as to how he feels about my spending time with her, I believe his words were ‘you could bend her over the kitchen table and pound her ass like mochi for all I care.’” He added with slight disgust. Derek winced and chuckled at the unsolicited mental picture of Spencer doing exactly that. JJ and Penelope also seemed uncomfortable with the raunchy comment, mostly due to the jarring juxtaposition of such a statement being reiterated by the naïve and gentle doctor.

“Charming.” Derek retorted sarcastically as he made his way back to his own desk. To avoid Spencer going on one of his more than informative tangents, JJ quickly googled what mochi was on her phone and instantly regretted it as the already unsettling mental image she had became violently more so .

Between tasks, Spencer took it upon himself to do a bit of research into this Dr.Jericho person. Although this doctor did indeed have his own small clinic, his reputation still remained shrouded in obscurity. All he could ascertain from the limited publicly accessible resources , was the location of said clinic, and where Dr.Jericho’s expertise lie. There were no pages dedicated to any of his dissertations, the site for his clinic was bare bones at best, and he couldn’t find a single picture of the doc in question. This seemed suspicious to Spencer considering even hospitals plastered their walls and media with images of their medical and administrative staff in an attempt to put a human face to the corporate machine that is American healthcare. If Spencer wanted any concrete information on Jericho, he’d need a Garcia level search. At this point that seemed like a gross misuse of government resources.

Thinking back on the scans of Éclair’s brain reminded him of a case from about two years prior. Anton Harris had abducted a pair of students, one of which was his sister, and preformed lobotomies on them, rendering them incapable of speech and had implanted tiny cameras into their eyes. The memory of Dana Harris being lobotomized via live stream for the world to see still haunted him from time to time. There were certain uncomfortable similarities between the Harris case and Éclair’s. The vicious yet skillfully executed lobotomy, the targeting of an individual who wouldn’t be missed, the apparent escape/possible release. Unfortunately Éclair’s case lacked an obvious motive. What was to be gained from doing this to her, or anyone for that matter? There was one more alarming oversight from the Harris case that Spencer wasn’t going to make again; previous attempts, failed or otherwise. He compiled a series of notes and comparisons on how to proceed with an investigation should another victim be found and the case be appointed to them. Until then, this was as far as he dared to delve, not wanting to get Garcia in trouble. He slipped his notes into the folder with Éclair’s information and tucked it safely away into his drawer.

The day had passed uneventfully, with no cases coming up requiring their immediate attention. As Spencer packed up his things to leave, he whipped out his cell and called Éclair just as promised. The line trilled repeatedly and he waited patiently for someone to pick up.

“Hey doc. Éclair told me you’d call.” Lurch’s gruff voice came through. “Am I telling her you’re on your way?”

“Umm, yeah….” Spencer confirmed “why do you have her phone again?”

“I just hadn’t given it back yet after her appointment. Which, speaking of, must have been a rough one for her this time.” Lurch informed. “She’s still pretty out of it. Maybe you should do us all a favour and bring her some comfort food or something on your way over.”

“Ok, what exactly should I bring?” Spencer asked.

“Fuck if I know.” Lurch grumbled.

“What’s that supposed to mean? You’re her caretaker, you should know!” Spencer scolded.

“Look, all I know is when women get moody, they eat junk food and cry about their problems to their best friends.” Lurch explained. Spencer rolled his eyes at the rather sexist generalization. “So since she’s not talking yet, I figured we could ply her with whatever girls eat when they’re sad.”

“Oh yes, let’s just default to the more toxic coping methods, because nothing could possibly go wrong there.” Spencer groaned sarcastically. He pressed the elevator button firmly and stood back, waiting for the doors to open. “I’ll figure something out, but I need to head home and change first. I don’t feel like having my good clothes covered in fur again.” He let out an exasperated sigh and vigorously rubbed at his eye with his fingertips.

“Ha, I thought it was an improvement.” Lurch joked, to which Spencer replied with a mock laugh. ”Alright Dr.Loverboy, we’ll see you in a bit.” With that the call was disconnected.

“Dr.Loverboy?” Spencer muttered under his breath with a confused grimace as he boarded the elevator and pocketed his phone.

Spencer rang the doorbell while precariously balancing a hot chocolate on a box of Éclair's favoured namesake pastry. Unlike his previous visit, there was no barrage of barking from inside. He also didn’t hear the heavy footfalls of Lurch approaching the door. Instead the door swung open and an elegant raven haired woman with piercing violet eyes greeted him.

“Hey! You’re ��clair's friend, right? Spencer was it?” She asked as she stepped aside to allow him in.

“Yeah, hi!” He spat out, startled “Sorry, I was expecting Lurch to answer the door.” He stepped in and immediately kicked his shoes off.

“Herald is in the living room, I’m Yen by the way, Herald’s girlfriend.” Yen explained as she scooped up Spencer’s shoes and placed them on the rack for him. Lurch came around the corner and eyed the footwear his girlfriend was putting away.

“Good grief, please tell me you’re going shoe shopping tomorrow. Those things are an embarrassment.” Lurch mocked.

“Oh please babe, you’re one to talk. At least his shoes are clean, which is more than I can say you and your nasty Kodiaks .” Yen scolded.

“ You’re kidding right? They look like burgundy suede bowling shoes. Hardly appropriate for a man of his profession.” Lurch rebutted, cocky as usual.

“And those monstrosities are appropriate for a man of yours?” Yen said. “Honestly he’s better dressed than you, that’s for sure.” Lurch rolled his eyes and shook his head at the comment.

“Éclair’s upstairs in her room with the boys. The doors open.” Lurch gestured up the stairs before turning away and ushering Yen with him back into the living room.

“It was nice seeing you.” Yen called out over her shoulder before disappearing into the living room. Spencer nodded quietly in affirmation before ascending to the second floor.

He peered into Éclair’s room and tapped lightly on her open door, gaining the immediate attention of Zeus and Raijin. Both behemoths clamored off the enormous bed and rushed toward him, herding him toward Éclair who was still reclined on the bed. She laid there prone, exposed and she had an air of defeat about her. Garbed in only a black band tank top and black boyshort panties, her hair loose and splayed out over her pillow as she stared blankly up at the ceiling. He did his best not to stare too long at her strong bare legs as he was pushed closer and closer until his knees bumped the mattress. The jostling of the bed stirred her from her trance and she sat up, pulling out her ear buds.

“Hey, h-how are you?” Spencer stammered, clearing his throat. “I uh, I brought you a hot chocolate and some eclairs.” He held them out to her for her to accept. She gave the hot chocolate a vacant glance and slowly dragged her eyes up to meet Spencer’s. Once their eyes locked, a faint smile slowly spread across her lips and she reached up to take the cup from him.

“You remembered what I like? That’s so sweet.” She uttered softly, a hint of joy weaving through her voice. She brought the cup to her lips and imbibed a hefty swig of the warm beverage, letting out a relieved sigh afterwards.

“Um… I have to ask…but… why aren’t you wearing pants?” He asked nervously still trying to keep his gaze respectively off her exposed lower half. “Did…did Lurch not tell you I was coming?” Éclair cocked her head in confusion, then looked down at her half naked state.

“I’m sure I had pants… I know I did. Lurch told me you were coming over, Yen helped me draw a bath, and I set clothes aside for after…” She walked herself through the events before Spencer’s arrival, her eyes scanned the room as she did. Then she saw it. She did indeed set pajama pants aside to wear, but in her dissociative state she forgot to put them on, only getting half dressed. “…oops! There they are.” She got up from the bed, brushing up against Spencer as she passed. Although the notion of privacy had become a moot point, Spencer kept his back to her while she donned her bottoms. Zeus nudged Spencer’s arm with his nose, Éclair’s ribbon and bells hanging from his mouth, offering them up to him. He set the pastries down on the bed as he received the accessory from the canine comrade. He turned to offer it back to Éclair and found her all ready munching away on the sweet snacks, her fingers covered in the chocolatey confection. She patted the top of her head with her free hand when she caught a glimpse of the adornment in Spencer’s grasp.

“Would you like me to put this in for you?” Spencer offered and Éclair nodded her approval as she sucked the sugary residue off her fingers. He sat on the edge of her bed with his legs set apart for her to seat herself between them. Once she was situated, he went to work combing the top portion of her hair together with his fingers gently raking his nails along her scalp before wrapping the silky ribbon around the partitioned cluster of strands. “So, what movie did you want to watch tonight?”

“I have a few picked out. I don’t know what one to start with though.” She explained. She wrapped her arms around Spencer’s legs, hugging them closer to her as she relaxed under his touch. After he tied the bow, he gave the bells a light shake letting her know he was done and could stand up. When she rose to her feet she turned to face Spencer, placing her hands where his neck and shoulders met. As he gazed up into her eyes he could see a significant improvement in her mood but she still wasn’t her usual self.

“Well, why don’t we start with one that seems the most lighthearted. Something feel-good.” He suggested. She thought for a moment before making her decision and stepping away from Spencer to set up her selection. The Princess Bride.

“Ok, scoot over closer to the middle of the bed.” Éclair ordered as she grabbed the remote and climbed back into the bed next to Spencer. She leaned over him to turn of the bedside lamp, eliminating the glare on the television screen and hit the play button. Once the movie began both Zeus and Raijin jumped up into the bed on either side and laid out next to them facing the tv.

“And this is why I changed out of my nice clothes before coming here.” Spencer commented as he rested his arm on Zeus’s back like a sofa.

“ You’re telling me that sweater is part of your not nice clothing?” Éclair asked as she inspected the garment.

“More like it’s one I’m not particularly attached to. I haven’t worn it in nearly 9 years and I rarely wore it then. Plus most of the fur wont be noticeable against the white anyway.” He explained. Éclair reached over and ran her fingers over the ornate embroidered dragon.

“That’s a shame. I like it, and it looks good on you.” She confessed as she hunkered down to watch the film. The two of them discussed and commented on the various scenes rather than observe in silence.

“I can’t get over the eerie similarity between the Spaniard and my old mentor at the BAU.” Spencer said uncomfortably.

“ Like a doppelganger? They say everyone has one out there somewhere. I’m sure you have one too.” Éclair postulated.

“Oh yes, and then we come to find out my cinematic doppelganger appears in a film as an unfortunate and foulmouthed tradesman who gets swept up in a burglary and whirlwind killing spree by his psychotic and promiscuous girlfriend.” Spencer joked.

“Sounds like a good movie. I’d watch it. Especially with a lead actor that sexy.” She added, elbowing him playfully. Spencer tried to laugh off the compliment feeling his cheeks tingle with embarrassment. When the movie ended, Éclair rolled half onto Spencer to look up at him. “How bout we watch one more?”

“As you wish.” He responded trying to remain serious as he quoted the movie they just watched, but as they maintained eye contact both of them devolved into a fit of giggles. Éclair shuffled down to swap out the movies putting in Who Framed Roger Rabbit and crawling back into bed.

Neither one of them stayed awake till the end of the movie.

When Spencer awoke, there was a hefty weight bearing down on his chest and both his arms were immobilized by a chilling numbness. He looked down at his body to see that during the night Zeus had situated his front half over Spencer’s leg and Éclair had rolled over on top of his chest. This pinned one arm down and elevated the other greatly inhibiting blood flow to both extremities, painfully numbing them. His shifting roused his bedmates from their slumber. Both of the dogs jumped out of bed, leaving the room and Éclair sat up just enough to look at Spencer who winced as his incapacitate arm fell hard onto the bed.

“Morning, you alright?” Éclair asked, noticing his pained expression.

“Yeah, I can’t move though.” He groaned quietly as he tried to improve the circulation in his limbs. She watched him writhe helplessly, unable to gain control of his arms and a mischievous smirk crept across her lips.

“So are you telling me your essentially helpless and at my mercy?” she teased.

“ Uh oh…should I be worried?” he asked, his voice cracking nervously.

“I don’t know. That depends on how much you like me I guess.” She replied coyly, climbing over to straddle his waist.

“What if I said I like you a fair bit?” Spencer mused as he picked up on her implication. Éclair leaned forward, holding onto his biceps and massaging them with her fingertips.

“Well then, I think you’ll be quite excited.” With that she closed the gap between them, locking their lips in a sensuous kiss. At first, the taste and feel of her lips on his caused everything inside of him to freeze up as though an electrical current were coursing through him. Then the proverbial flood gates opened. His heart pounded in his chest and his lips lunged into action, reciprocating the kiss. Éclair ran her hand up and down Spencer’s arms sending a tide of pins and needles to ebb and flow through this fingers as he began to regain feeling in them. He willed his arms to move, bending his stiff elbows to reach up and haphazardly cup her jaw in his tingling hands while hers found purchase in his messy locks. It was in this moment that he realized exactly how intimately touch starved he really was. Like the first rain on the Mesa plains after a grueling drought, he drank in the heated passion and relished in the petrichor of this moment.

Unfortunately the moment was cut short by an unapologetic intrusion.

“You know, you’d think I never feed you with how voraciously you’re eating his face.” Lurch said as he leaned against the doorframe.

“Mnnn, just taking advantage of the moment.” Éclair purred more to Spencer than to Lurch.

“Yeah, well if you and the moment want to come down for breakfast, it’s time for you to take your meds.” Lurch retorted, pushing himself off the doorframe and down the hall. Spencer and Éclair both rolled their eyes as they looked back to each other.

“If I had full control of my fingers, I’d show him how many moments he could wait.” Spencer quipped

“Oh, dose it happen to be this many?” Éclair asked as she held his hand up and folded down his thumb, index, ring and pinky fingers.

“Yeah, pretty much.” He agreed with a laugh.

“ I was thinking the same thing.” She kissed him again before dismounting him and pulling him up to his feet. She quickly noticed the swell in his pants and pursed her lips before speaking again. “Now as much as I’d like the ego boost, I’m aware that that is not all me. Bathroom is just down the hall.” She pointed in the opposite direction Lurch went. Spencer cleared his throat and looked down at himself sheepishly, trying to decide if he should make the comment that was on his mind.

“I’d say it’s a bit more than 50/50 in your favour.” He clarified playfully before heading toward the lavatory.

By the time he had finished with the facilities, Éclair had gotten dressed for the day and fixed her hair. As she emerged from her room, her steps rang with the pleasant jingling he had quickly grown fond of.

“Ah! Perfect timing! Let’s get some breakfast before we get any more lip from snoopy downstairs.” She chirped, holding her hand out for Spencer to take. When they set foot into the kitchen/dining room, Yen greeted them with a warm smile as she set out a large bowl of scrambled eggs on the table.

“Morning you two. Did you have a nice evening last night?” Yen sang with a wink. “I saw you guys cuddled up together. You were so cute I couldn’t bring myself to wake you.” Spencer’s cheeks flushed at the remark but Éclair was unbothered by it.

“We watched Princess Bride and started watching Roger Rabbit when we passed out.” Éclair answered as she poured herself a drink.

“In flight peanuts, coming through.” Lurch called out, tossing a small pre sealed packet of pills to Éclair.

“Pharmaceutic-o's, an important part of this mentally balanced breakfast.” Éclair mimicked being on a cereal commercial, eliciting a laugh from Spencer and Yen. She downed the meds and grabbed a plate for her and Spencer to serve themselves up some food, discarding the now empty packaging from her pills onto the table. As she shoveled up a heaping scoop of eggs and dumped them on her plate, Lurch came up behind her and dispensed a generous helping of bacon next to them.

“Eat up. I’m not going easy on you today. I don’t want to hear the excuse ‘but I’m too hungry!’” He said whining the last part.

“yeah, yeah. I’m going for a run later though.” Éclair said waving him off as she split a piece of bacon, eating one half and feeding the other to Raijin.

“If you want, I can take you to the rink tonight. That is if you and Spencer here don’t already have plans.” Yen suggested with a sly wink.

“What do you say, Spencer? Wanna tag along?” Éclair exclaimed excitedly.

“I appreciate the invitation, but I’m not really one for athletics. I’ve never gone skating before either.” Spencer chuckled nervously as he shuffled the small mound of eggs around on his plate. “Besides, I should probably get home soon and catch up on some tidying. I don’t know when I’ll get another chance with how busy I get with work.”

“ Well there’s a first time for everything!” Éclair said nudging Spencer with her shoulder .

“Maybe you can join us another time.”

“Where do you live? We can drop you off on our way.” Lurch asked Spencer as he sat down to his own breakfast.

“Hoover street.” Spencer answered. “What are you two up to anyway?”

“Hand to hand combat training. I hope to teach her restraint when defending herself.” Lurch explained. Once Éclair finished her meal, she got up from the table and jogged up the stairs, her bells jingling behind her. Once she was out of ear shot he continued. “Its about the only thing I can teach her restraint in. Some girls will say ‘Let’s take things slow.’ I don’t think that’s something she has any concept of, so have fun on the Autobahn.” Spencer leaned away from Lurch and toward Yen, feigning discretion before speaking to her.

“If he’s always this much of a jerk, what do you see in him?”

“It’s all a façade, I assure you. He’s really just a big old papa bear"

[miss-mania]

I know it paved the way for the rest of the series or fuckin whatever but the first Fallout game is not very good. It's wild that people thought the second one was a bit of a mess at the time given how much more balanced and polished it feels overall. Replaying the first two it's kind of apparent that a lot of the gameplay problems in the entire series were there from the start.

This ended up being kind of long so I'll elaborate below. It's all a bit messy as it's like 4 AM but whatever.

Replaying it, 90% of the perks are more or less useless and have limited roleplaying potential (unless you're fine with your roleplaying just being like...a box you tick on your character that provides flavortext). An example is the rad resistance perk; there is exactly one location in the game where radiation is a problem and a single enemy that deals radiation damage.

The game doesn't have a difficulty curve so much as it has a difficulty cliff; once you get the combat armor/power armor and a decent weapon most combat encounters are rote. This is a problem in...basically all of the fallout games. If there's one thing the first two have in common with the latter two, it's having wildly uneven difficulty and a kind of hilarious disregard-bordering-on-contempt for game balance.

A lot of the random world encounters are great and one of the things really missing from the later games with the change in format. With reasonable luck though you can stumble upon a special encounter really early that will trivialize the rest of the game. In this playthrough I got the encounter that gave me more caps than I could come even close to using until I was at the point where caps were a non-issue anyway.

The npcs have very little personality with a few exceptions; the choice of who gets a talking head portrait and voice acting is sometimes baffling. Sometimes it's someone interesting like Set or Harold, but even the best of them are involved with often just one quest before ceasing to have any relevance to any other part of the story or new information to provide you. This is mostly excusable given the time period it came out...but Baldur's Gate came out the same year and handled this aspect of the open-ended rpg experience much more deftly.

There's a lot of cut content in the way where all the bread crumbs leading up to it are left in the game, several times now I've looked up a character or plot thread on a wiki to find it's cut content. I know cut content is just kind of a fact of life in game development but it's extremely frustrating when enough is left in to imply that you can do something only for it to be a waste of time. For instance, you can find the doctor that's chopping people up for their sweet meat in Junktown, but you can't report his activity to anyone. When you get to the dude who's selling the aforementioned human bits to the unsuspecting denizens of the Hub, there's even a dialogue option saying "I'm turning you into the sheriff" but there is no dialogue with the sheriff. You can goad him into attacking you but doing so immediately turns the entire Hub against you.

The weirdest thing about replaying the first one is how much connective tissue there is between the entire series, for better and...mostly, primarily for worse. Lack of polish, insane and random peaks and valleys in difficulty, inconsistent levels of depth across the entire experience mechanically and atmospherically, the obviously unfinished quests, the unfocused and underdeveloped satire; it's all there.

Yet somehow in every one of these fucking games the atmosphere from the setting, the soundtrack, and the clunky-yet-kinda-endearing skeuomorphic UI always manages to drag me through the murky, radioactive quagmire of questionable game design and narrative decision-making to the end credits, during which I invariably think to myself "yeah that was a game. I should re-install New Vegas."

[sagevalleymusings]

Do Not Give Away Personal Information

Hopefully folks see this even though I'm a very small blog, but I have an important safety PSA for the zoomers on tumblr. Story time (Names and Locations have been changed for privacy).

Yesterday, I was waiting for the bus. There was a fashionable young man sitting on the bench with me. It wound up being kind of a long and boring wait, and so inevitably, this young man and I started making small talk. We found out we had a bit of a six degrees of separation connection - we were both doing events at the same venue, though on different days. We got into it a little bit more, and he explained that he got this venue spot through his dad, then gave me his dad's first name.

So that's personal information number one and number two: his dad's first name is Lincoln and he's associated with the Crowe Community Center.

We were chatting more, about the weather this time, and he mentioned how much more he liked the weather than in North Dakota. This stranger, unprompted, gave me three pieces of personal information. I would like to defend myself a little bit by saying that initially when I Googled "Lincoln Crowe Community Center" it was because I wondered if I knew who this was. After all, I was doing an event there too, so maybe our connection was a little closer than I thought. However, it became immediately apparent that this young man's zoomer inclination to not safeguard his information combined with his parents' boomer inclination to overshare meant that almost immediately I had a massive amount of personal information at my disposal. The "young man" I met isn't a man at all - he's a minor. His name is Gus Johnson and he goes to school and West Side High School, which is a little bit odd, considering he lives at 45 East Brewer Ave, on the other side of town. But turns out his dad Lincoln Johnson and mom Rebecca Johnson are fundamentalists - in fact, Lincoln was a minister at Living Promise, which is a tiny evangelical church he founded that was running out of someone's basement for a while. They were so fundamentalist in fact that they pulled their four kids (Gus, Jeremy, Abigail, and Saul) out of school, but couldn't manage it with schedules and finances for very long, and so sent them to West Side instead of East Side (probably because East Side was too liberal, but that's an extrapolation on my part). I found the social media pages of every single one of his immediate family, his parents' jobs, the city where he grew up, the high school his dad went to, his date of birth and year in school, along with several important life events, all within about 20 minutes. At some point I started to get morbidly curious, and just kept kicking over rocks, and then out scurried a bunch of driver's licenses and library cards as fast as they could. I want to emphasize again that I had a fifteen minute conversation with a random child at a bus stop, and that child revealed enough information that I was able to get his home address and the address of his school, and where his dad works, along with 6 separate social media accounts, without any tools beyond searching publicly available information. Most people are good people. I'm not going to do anything nefarious with this information, and probably won't even remember the details tomorrow. The problem is that the kind of person who would do something nefarious would have been even friendlier than I was, making up lies and asking prompting questions until the kid had given up even more private information than he did. Do. Not. Give. Strangers. Private. Information. And if you are going to say something personal and private, don't make it worse by saying more than one. Knowing his dad's name and home state wouldn't have pulled up the right Lincoln. Knowing his dad's name and association with the community center would have pulled up the right guy, but then I would have had to spend extra time confirming that it was him. And most of the time, people aren't going to take the extra step. Knowing his dad's name and association with the community center, and that he was from North Dakota, meant that the very first search result I got (a bio from the center) meant I knew in five seconds that I'd found the right Lincoln Johnson.

[lavender-eyed-lies]

It'd be nice if it was like how everyone thinks it should be

If everything just came back all at once and suddenly you felt more whole than you did before

But it just breaks my heart more and more each time a new memory comes back and I wonder how much of it was pieces of someone else?

How much of childhood was his?

How much of it was hers?

What parts of myself did I keep of them if there's even anything left?

I remembered breaking my arm, actually breaking it, not the stories people told me, not the jokes I made after, but the actual memory, I can recall the pain now and how my left arm splayed out behind me to catch myself instinctually.

But I'm not left handed. I never was, all my accidents have been right handed as silly as that sounds.

Ironically it didn't hit me until now, until I realized all the worst accidents that had happened to my body were on the left side because no matter what gymnastics it involved I always had a co-pilot dragging me out of harms way.

Id always thought I was never left handed.

It's coming back to me slowly though like the memories.

I remembered part of the reason I got hit so often for my poor hand writing. Why the Sisters seemed to be so dissatisfied with me, until I began using my tightest, neatest, right handed writing.

I don't know whether to laugh or not because this isn't the first time I've had this thought. And yet I was so surprised when my first known alter ended up being a demon. What else could he have been? Getting told you were using Satan's hand, being hit with rulers and sticks until you obeyed without even understanding the why. Good old catholic school.. somehow I'm more ashamed to have been so embarrassed about it, both their actions against me and the way I started to view myself after.

I never gave it a second thought as a kid, he was just someone who looked out for me, someone who kept me out of the worst trouble. Someone who was kind and reliable like a parent or older sibling when I can't recall a single moment of kindness from anyone else at that time. I'd learned to cry quietly in bed at night but he'd stay with me until I fell asleep.

Even when I did manage to make a friend in middle school I never told anyone, not even as a young "reckless teenager" for fear of being judged, blamed, maybe locked up.

But as I got older I started to become more self conscious about the things in my head that no one else would never even know about. I found out about multiple personality disorder during highschool. I thought it was cringey as I got older, having a demonic alter was just attention seeking and I felt guilty for "making it all up" even when I couldn't make them go away. Even when I couldn't bring myself to even tell my partner at the time let alone anyone else. I still somehow convinced myself I was making it all up for attention and that I was crazy and should just keep it to myself.

The more I think about the more I'm glad there are spaces for systems. I didnt have that growing up, the amnesia, the switches, alters, dissociation, I didn't have names for any of that. I was afraid of myself for years, and the only information readily available for a teenager back then was about how people with it were violent and unpredictable.

Even now I can remember the realizing that something was wrong with me and I had to keep it to myself at all costs, I had to be normal, at all costs. "Mentally ill" wasn't a word to me, it was a condemnation. I was still so warped in my thinking I assumed everyone would react the way I expected my abusive family members acted towards the mentally ill

They would turn their back on me, label me crazy and whisper about me and my unfortunate condition as if they didn't already dislike me for being a bastard.

If I was lucky I might not have gotten blamed for it. When I was when I was told I was depressed, I expected my step father to hit me to be honest. I expected him to be angry at me that I lacked the gratitude and appreciation for what I had, to the point I became depressed. To dare insinuate that I had anything to be depressed about.

But I got lucky, depression runs in the family, so he knew it could be cause by lack of sunlight.

It was the middle of summer.

I was so depressed I wanted to die at 12 drinking liquor from a children's panda cup. I couldn't even appreciate any relief that might have come from the statement because at least pain would have been a feeling.

Part of me wishes I had said it then. Told them all everything and shoved it in their faces

"There are other people in my head, did you know? I've been like this the whole time, as far back as I can remember, did you know? Did you see it? Did you even care to look?"

But then I remember the same thing happened to his one of his newest ex-daughters, now she has people in her head and I wonder what special type of monster is capable of breaking two completely different children in the same way?

They whisper behind her back still years later, condescending sympathies, or else Id have never found out about her being the same or how my step father had tried to kill her and her mother as well for trying to leave him.

A man can be truly terrifying when left with nothing but the proof of his own failure in front of him. I wonder if he would have put more effort into killing us if he knew I was "insane"? They say family annihilators do it to "spare" them the struggle of life without their parents but I'd been raised to be a third parent so maybe he couldn't muster the justification for trying to kill us when I could take care of them and had before in their absence. Or maybe he just wasn't evil enough at that time to genuinely try to kill children yet.

Ironically it's thoughts like those that kept me silent for so long. You'll be in danger if you tell anyone. If they find out you're crazy no one will ever love you. They'll change once they know, you'll never be the same person to them again. They may even hurt you.

It took years, almost a decade before I thought about telling my ex partner. When I found out this was a chronic condition that doesn't have a cure, that like ptsd it could be only treated, I thought it was only right that he should know

I really wanted to, I'd worked up the nerve to try and convince him, my first alter. I'd convinced him to give my ex a(nother) chance, unbeknownst to my ex they had a lunch together and a long walk he was gradually, begrudgingly, willing to accept he couldn't get rid of the man.

Until my ex tried to sleep kill me like someone would sleep walk. It quite literally killed any chance of that happening. I didnt feel safe sleeping in the same room let alone telling him the one secret I've kept for almost 30 years now.

I know it's not rational to associate the two but I ended up splitting because of that, and the idea of trying to come out again about just makes my guts clench. I'm not really sure I'm as brave as my not quite ex sibling. Although I don't know how well she's doing now, at least she had the courage to say it even as a kid. I'm envious of that much. I hope she's well..

Sometimes I wonder why I bother writing these things down. No one's the same forever of course but things feel extra unstable when one more traumatic experience could mean the difference between my recovering and another alter so whats the point?

Sometimes I wonder why I try when I don't want to even be here. Why I still have this stupid hope that things might work out someday. That I can just.. breathe freely without so much weighing me down if I just wait a little longer

Sometimes I hate him for asking me to stay alive. I dont even want to say his name to strangers online because I want it to stay only mine. It feels so selfish to say but I hate him sometimes for it. I don't know how it's even harder now but I still want to want to stay alive without him.

So I'm trying. I'm trying and remembering and crying and feeling and hating everything and trying.

I just wish he was here to tell me that I'm doing a good job.

Maybe scold me for eating too much take out, or sing with me again.

I wish we could sing together one more time.

I miss our Little Talks

Anything, I'd accept anything.

But I still have to keep living, I promised I would. I have to keep working hard and trying to move forward with the people in my life who love me as best as I can let them because I have them now. There are people who love me and I have to keep going for them too.

I think I have to keep writing for the me that might forget that some day.

[tnlbarth-blog]

Aug 14 2023 - 5:02pm

Trigger Warning: Talk of Weight Loss, Talk of Eating Disorders, Talk of Medication

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

Disclaimer 1: Do not do any of the things discussed in this post.

Disclaimer 2: I am not a doctor, seek the advice of a nutritionist to properly lose weight

Disclaimer 3: Do not stigmatize eating disorders or any other mental health disorders. The people affected by these disorders do not need to be looked down upon they need understanding and care.

Disclaimer 4: Fatphobia is prevalent in our culture including and not limited to doctors and positions but being fat is not a moral failing.

You know you don't have to be unhealthy to be fat. You can just be fat. It's an interesting concept I know. But fatness was around a lot longer than people would like to think. There have been fat people throughout time.

And you ask,"Why aren't there more pictures of fat people through the ages? Especially when it comes to more recent times after cameras were invented?"

It's not a bad question to ask. If fact I and many other people have asked that question for a while. And you know what was found? These people were photographed but people who knew these photos existed knew they would affect their bottomline if they did not get rid of the small amount that did exist. And in America at one time it was illegal to have a deformity in public and since being fat was seen as such fat people did not leave their homes. So they did not get photographed.

But like I was saying fit people are also fat. You can be healthy and have a large amount of fat on you and the inverse is true. You can be super unhealthy and have a thin body. In fact those in bodies that have visible abdominals and sleek physics tend to feel miserable while they try to maintain that look.

And before people say it "not all bodies like that do"

Yes I realize, but I have seen plenty of people who had had that type of boy talk about how miserable they were getting and maintaining that body.

People who get to a super fit body tend to do so in a very unhealthy way. Counting calories and using exercise to create a very dangerous balancing act.

I have watched people go through dangerous practices to be as thin as possible. I am talking about being literal skin and bone. Some starve themselves some binge and vomit. These are the most common eating disorders. I have watched stories of these victims of diet culture die because they think that all they have to do is continue to restrict their food intake a little more.

But fat people can have these disorders too, I being one of them. Losing half my body weight in such a small amount of time was not because I did it correctly.

I over-exercised for a long time. And by overexercise I mean for hours a day I would do pushups, quarts, jumping jacks, curls and situps. I would dance and go for walks. And I did this everyday. And you sit here and congratulate me for it. That is unhealthy.

I continued this until I wasn't able to lose weight anymore with just exercise and went to a nutritionist. The nutritionist was very healthy informing me how to eat properly. But instead of doing what she said. I took it to an extreme. I didn't know how much I should have been eating for my size and the amount of exercise I was doing. I just decided to only eat one serving of everything I got. I divided food into bags and containers and I cut up food and even looked online to find out single servings of fruits and vegetables. Which on the surface doesn't sound so bad. And it worked for a while. But the problem is, that kind of lifestyle is hard to maintain. Especially since I was way under eating for a person of my size even if I was trying to lose weight.

After all of that I again started to get to a point where I couldn't lose weight again. I hit a plateau. I wasn't at my goal weight and I was very upset. I gave up for a while and gained back a little bit of weight. But then I got the opportunity to get weight loss surgery.

And I jumped at it. I went to their nutritionist and learned even worse weight loss habits including counting calories, and eating only a cup of food and getting all my protein for protein shakes. And because I had to continually lose weight for 6ish months before the surgery I stopped exercising all together. I ended up losing a bunch of weight pre-op trying to lose the allotted amount of weight necessary to get the surgery. During that time I did not move a whole lot and I lost a lot of muscle mass, later on causing some severe injuries that I am still healing from. I did so a lot of scrolling on social media and I learned something about being fat and body positivity. I also learned about intuitive eating.

I never ended up getting the surgery. And I am grateful. I now eat intuitively and I don't exercise to lose weight. Instead I exercise to have fun and be healthy. I know I may never get down to that goal size I had in my mind and I am okay with that.

Now I eat until I am full and only when I am hungry and have an appetite. I exercise only when I want and how I want and I have fun with it. I enjoy myself. I dance and swim and hike and go for walks. I don't do situps anymore. I don't do pushups or planks or any of that stuff. I have gotten back to feeling good in my skin. Have I gained back all that weight? At first I did. But now I have no idea. I don't own a scale anymore. I was obsessive about weighing myself. I used to weigh myself multiple times a day. It was a hard habit to kick.

I am much healthier than I once was. And I am much happier too. The stress of losing weight was causing heart issues to spring up.

Oh and I forgot to tell you I was on medications through it all that caused me to have messed up hunger ques and caused weight gain outside of that. So I was also battling that. I got off of those medications last year sometime.

Through that weight loss journey I ended up losing half my initial body weight. And even though at the time I was happy about that I now look back at that and feel a little sad. I really thought back then that my worth was attached to my weight. I now know that it's not true and even though I am still a big person I am happy and proud in my skin.

Regards

TNL Barth