#when my irl saw this art he went 'he can never close his mouth'

[gillionspookstrider]

DAY 24 - PC

irl stuff has been keeping me pretty busy but here's a chibo i drew up in between cues

[image ID: stylized drawings of Chip from Just Roll With It. to the left is a drawing of his pre-ep 87 design. he's looking to the side, and seems annoyed. to the right is Chip in his post-ep 87 design. he seems happy. at the top is his hand and sleeve, showing off his black and gold pinky prosthetic. above that is op's username, gillionspookstrider. around the drawings are gold hearts, a coin, and Chip's axe earring. end ID]

[4aloysius-porteu]

i am your ally || tsukishima kei.

pairing; tsukishima kei x f! reader

genre: oneshot, drama, flangst, a little comedy

word count: 5.6k

details: 3rd year Tsukishima, artist reader

warnings: reader going missing, verbal abuse, crushing of dreams, lots of sadness, heavy parental argument, everything that happens here hits home

synopsis: tsukishima didnt know what is the right thing to say after he heard of (y/n)’s situation, but the words that stumbled out from his mouth were a surprise, yet it blossomed to a meaningful talk that happens once in a blue moon.

(a/n): wrote in the middle of my depressing days to find a little comfort from this character that I love with all my heart. inspired by true situations irl; if you, my friend, is feeling down today, i hope reading this work of mine can help. i might make this into a full story if this got enough attention tho.

(Y/N) was nowhere to be found. 

It wasn't Tsukishima's habit to eavesdrop on other people's conversation, but he couldn't help but listen when he heard her name from her classmates. She was a consistent top student that will never neglect her studies, so it was unusual to know that she was absent today. He thought that maybe she got sick or she decided to go crazy and skip school. If it was the latter, he hoped that she knows what she's doing, because midterms are coming in 3 days, and he's not going to listen to her whines and begs to help her study for the tests.

And now he just happened to overhear that she was missing. 

He saw her parents walk out of the campus after talking to the vice-principal and to the teachers. Gossip filled the corridors and rooms. Tsukishima went back to his room, clearly annoyed with the unnecessary noise.

He listened to the lectures of each subject and continued to write down important points, but the thought of (Y/N) lingered in his head. What could've happened that led to her disappearance? Was she kidnapped? No, he just walked her home last night and she'll never leave her place past midnight. Kidnappers won't dare to make a move in daylight because of the town's high authority visibility. There's no way she'll be lost in an area she's very familiar with. 

She ran away from home. That is the only logical possibility he could come up with, but he couldn't think of an idea as to why. (Y/N), who loves to be cooped up in her room with music blaring in her earphones while drawing, left her home without a trace. Tsukishima was a little worried, but he won't let his face show whatever the hell he's feeling. 

His plays and blocks aren't exactly bad, but Yamaguchi could sense that Tsukishima was thinking of something other than the volleyball practice. He approached his friend who was resting on the floor, his long arms covering his curled up legs. 

"Tsukki, what's with that expression? Did you get a failing score in a quiz?" Yamaguchi started, in an attempt to lighten up the atmosphere. 

The blonde's eyes darted to him, "Like hell, I'm going to let that happen. What do you want?"

He shrugged, "Nothing, I just noticed that you were a little quieter and more passive today. Normally, you would've chewed the first years out with their simple blocking errors, but you didn't say a thing. You're scarier in their eyes when you're silent."

"I was tired. I'll only waste my voice pointing out something I did a million times." A sigh escaped his lips 

"Right..." Yamaguchi paused, "So, I assume you have heard?"

"Heard of what?"

"That (Y/N) is missing."

"Oh," A frown fell on his features. It wasn't his usual frown. People who really know him would notice that his eyes are full of worry. 

He sat beside Tsukishima before he spoke again. "I know you have ideas on places (Y/N) could've gone to."

"I do not know what you're talking about."

The latter chuckled, "Oh, humor me, Tsukki. If you're that worried, I can excuse you for today's practice. No problem."

"Does that mean that you aren't concerned?"

"I am concerned. I want to look for her as well, but I have to whip the other players into shape. I'm sorry if I couldn't accompany you right away."

Tsukishima stood up and sighed again, "You will excuse me, you said?"

"Yeah."

There were silence and the background noise of balls and shoes colliding on the floor. He wiped the sweat off his face before replying, "I'll be leaving the gym in a few minutes."

He changed his clothes and packed his things up, causing the team to exchange glances.

"Tsukki!" Yamaguchi called, throwing his friend's large jacket to him, which the other caught. "Take care! I hope you find (Y/N) and get her home safe."

"I wish. Then, I'll leave it to you, Captain."

The green-haired middle blocker's eyes teared up and sparkled as he beamed a smile back, "I got it!"

Tsukishima started to look for (Y/N) at the places she liked to go to; the art store, the Central Park, the kid's playground, the museum, and the prefectural library. But there was no sign of her anywhere. He looked at the nearby places to no avail. He walked on while dialing her number, but her phone is out of coverage area. He spent 3 more hours finding the girl and soon received a message from Yamaguchi, telling him that (Y/N) hasn't been found yet and that he joined the authorities to help them find her. 

He walked back to the direction of his home, panting softly. He had failed to find (Y/N), yet his brain won't stop thinking about her possible whereabouts. The cool breeze of winter hit Tsukishima's face and shivered at the contact. He had hoped again that she is inside of an establishment, safe from such cold weather.

Tsukishima's home has its lights out. Her mother was invited into her colleagues' reunion as said in her text, and both his father and brother are busy at work. He reached for his key in his pocket and was opening the door, not until he heard a loud sob from somewhere. Tsukishima looked around the place as the sobbing continued. He searched for the source and ended up in their backyard. He caught the sight of a small figure behind the bushes and went closer to confirm.

It was a cat. It had scurried away once he got close to it. Oh, how stupid he is to get his hopes up only to find a scared animal. But he was certain he heard a sob somewhere near. And cats aren't capable of making a sound like that. Or maybe he was only hearing things?

He dragged his feet to the main door to unlock it, but this time, there was a loud noise of scrubbing on the roof. What is it this time? He moved back and looked upon where it came from. 

To his surprise, it wasn't another cat but a person. Their legs were curled up, arms covered around them, with their chin on their knees. Tsukishima turned on his phone's flashlight and there she was. 

It was (Y/N). Her shoulders shook, either from the cold or trying her best not to cry out loud. 

"H-Help me."

He stared at the girl, confused and fighting back laughter because of how scared (Y/N) looked. "How the heck did you get in there?"

"I climbed that tree and jumped off to break in and hide in your room. Turned out that the windows are locked. I don't know how to jump back and I-I was too high from the ground. You know I'm scared of heights! Why did you lock the window?! Stupid!"

"Of course, I would lock the window for the security. And wow, aren't you the stupid one for knowing how to climb and jump up to my window and not knowing how to get down? Why did you climb if you are scared of heights? Such an idiot."

"Fine, fine. I am an idiot. Now, can you help me get off this roof?"

He crossed his arms and smirked, "No."

"Ugh! Please, Kei. I've been trapped here for hours. I am begging you to help me get down. Please?"

He sighed in defeat and raised his arms. "Here. Jump."

For seconds, (Y/N) didn't respond as she was having second thoughts about jumping.

"What? Do you expect me to get a ladder? I'm sorry, but it's in the basement, broken." He said in a mocking tone. "Don't you want to come down?"

"Can you catch me properly? Are your arms stable? Won't you fall on your ass?" (Y/N) interrogated.

Tsukishima rolled his eyes, "Alright, stay there and freeze to death."

"No, wait! I was just asking! Come back! Don't leave meeee!"

The blonde looked up to her and raised his arms again, "Don't think. Trust me, I will catch you properly and you won't crash to the ground. You weigh like nothing anyway."

"Are you talking about yourself?" She retorted, pertaining to his weight.

"Can you please just jump?"

(Y/N) inhaled and went to the edge of the roof. It was a scary view for her, just looking down makes her dizzy, and want to throw up.  She thought he would have the largest frown on his face because of how irritatingly slow she was, but there was Tsukishima waiting for her with the calmest expression. She smiled a little.

"Here I go..."

She took off, closing her eyes, and swallowing her fears. The gravity pulled her feet down shortly after, and Tsukishima readied himself for the impact as he reached her waist. He held on to her lower torso while (Y/N) placed her arms around his shoulders tightly and legs on his waist. The athlete's balance slightly went off, so he took a step back to support both their weights. It was now steady. 

"I'm surprised you didn't lose your balance. Where's the weak boned beanpole 3 years ago?"

"I did for a second."

"Doesn't matter. You caught me. Thank you."

They had stayed in that way for a moment until Tsukishima spoke, "Do you plan to get off?"

"No. I'm tired."

"I am too." Yet she refused to let go.

He exhaled, carrying (Y/N) to the main entrance and finally unlocking the door. Her hoodie was cold and some parts are wet, but it didn't rain on that day. He took her in and placed her on the couch. Tsukishima went to his room, changed clothes, and brought a spare sweatshirt, handkerchief, and a towel. He went down but didn't find (Y/N) where he left her, so he walked to the kitchen counter and found the girl on the corner, shivering like a pup.

He tossed the clothing at her without further words. There was a note from her mom beside the curry in the table, saying she had eaten and she left rolls in the refrigerator. He was about to turn on the stove to reheat the food his mother left, but his eyes landed on (Y/N) who sat quietly, hugging the sweatshirt instead of wearing it. Her hair was disheveled, the sleeves and neck part of her hoodie was damp, her nose was red and her puffy, bloodshot eyes implied that she has been crying for who knows how long. He set the pan down to get her a glass of water. 

"Everyone was looking for you." Said Tsukishima.

"No one was really looking for me." (Y/N) replied, clearing her nose. 

"I didn't spend the last 3 hours tiring myself to scan the whole town for no reason." He sat beside her, handing the glass. "Care to spill the tea?"

(Y/N) drank first before speaking weakly, "I hate them. So much."

The male remained quiet, waiting for her to continue her dilemma.

"Remember when I told you and the class that I will be the most successful doctor in Japan after I finished my studies? It was a lie. It wasn't my dream to stay in a hospital and treat ill people, I only wanted to draw and paint. I didn't care if it never made them or anyone happy, I am happy doing it. And they are taking it away from me."

He knew from the start that her dream job as a doctor wasn't true. For years she stayed close to him as a friend or more, she won't blabber anything of the medical topic. She was terrified of syringes. He saw her reading an article about surgeries and like, but her focus was easily taken away.

She will get a pencil then start scribbling and drawing. Something that Tsukishima always sees her doing whenever she has a pen and paper, but she insists that it was a mere hobby. Her notebooks are well designed and organized, but the back is always full of artistic doodles instead of algebra solutions. She only has very few art materials yet she can make a portrait with only her fingers to shade. She makes digital art without a stylus. She would drag him to the museum after class to view some western and eastern paintings or any work of art while he admires the dinosaur fossils. For times she's watching an art tutorial and talk about art, draw and paint, she has those stupid sparkles in her eyes and a huge smile on her face. 

"You know Tsukishima, after I finish studying and became a doctor, I'll become an artist and if the time let's it, I'll open my own art gallery. That's my ultimate dream." She looked alive and delighted.

Very much the opposite of what she looks like right now. 

Even though she was a slave of art, as Tsukishima was a slave of his own interests, (Y/N) prioritized her studies so much. He understood why when he went to her house and met her parents before their study sessions. He had noticed everything but chose to stay quiet. 

"I-I was drawing last night. Dad entered my room but I didn't notice so he ripped the music away from my ears and yelled. He said that I would always lock myself in my room and draw every night. It was never-ending and irritates the shit out of him. He asked why would I do something so useless that isn't even connected to any academic subject. He was looking down on my art like he was looking at a piece of crap. He told me to stop and threatened me if I didn't. Why would I get punished for drawing? I couldn't get myself to stay silent so I retorted. If he doesn't want to see me drawing, then he shouldn't enter my room at all. He should stop meddling with my hobbies. His anger only went up."

(Y/N) stopped for a while to wipe her tears and snot with her sleeves but Tsukishima placed a handkerchief on her hands. She muttered her thanks and blew her nose and soon followed with a sneeze.

"Soon, it became a full-blown argument. He said that he was checking out if I was doing my projects, but oh he was so disappointed only to find his daughter drawing for nothing. What the heck? I gave them the best grades I could get, and part of it was because of you, Tsukishima, but they still aren't satisfied? I balanced drawing and academics, but they made it seem that all I was doing was my hobby, completely ignoring my efforts at school. I finished the school activities and I reviewed for midterms and all I want is to be left alone and draw. What, they want me to go crazy by studying every hour with things I won't even apply in real life?"

Her fake laughter echoed in the kitchen for seconds before her depressed tone took over again.

"Mom heard all the shouting and joined the argument. Of course, she sided with dad without listening to my feelings and there they ridiculed their youngest child's interests and talent. They told me that everything I do is bullshit and wrong, that I was useless, that I was the huge opposite of their expectations, and... and how come God gave them a joke. She said they raised me so that I could help them, not to do such useless things. It hurts to shout back but I did to explain why I'm so passionate about art in hopes that they will listen and understand but, I was so wrong. I was suddenly slapped..." She placed her hand to her left cheek, her lips quivered a little. 

"I-It stung so much. Mom complained about how the Internet generation is so rebellious and won't listen to the elders. They didn't raise and teach me to talk back at them, but here is their child being a bitch. They started comparing me to my elder siblings or relatives who focused on their studies and who are at the door of success. I know they only want me to achieve the best, but my success isn't up to them! It's on me!! And I've invested a lot for that! They shouted at me as mom pulled my hair. It was so loud I thought I was going deaf. Dad blamed the gadget's influence and my drawings. I have only drawn decent fanarts of fictional characters, people, and sceneries, but they believed that because of these, I turned into a mannerless bastard. So mom decided to get my phone and lessen my allowance so that I wouldn't buy any art materials that are a waste of fortune--"

She bit her lower lip that is trembling uncontrollably and her eyesight blurred as her fat tears got in the way.

"and... D-Dad... he... he... he tore m-my sketch pad apart..."

Tsukishima's eyes widened. (Y/N) brought that thing with her almost everywhere she went and it was filled with good drawings and art plans. She has a lot of them though, but Tsukishima could only imagine how she felt when her efforts were trampled over by someone important to her. 

(Y/N) broke down, bawled her eyes out, and shrieked hysterically. He looked at her with a heavy heart. He had seen her crying sometimes, be it because of a sad movie or empathy, but never like this. A depressed, emotional wreck. Her eyes were sore enough after a lot of hours, but she won't stop crying. It was heartbreaking to see and hear his significant other in this state, yet Tsukishima didn't know what is the right thing to say. 

But maybe there was no need to say anything at all.

Kei wrapped his arms around her weeping figure and pulled her towards him. Cry it out, pipsqueak. (Y/N) didn't expect this action, nonetheless cried in his shoulder He didn't care anymore if this meant he gets his clothes drenched in her snot and tears as long as she felt a little less lonely. He rubbed her back and hair in an attempt to comfort his lover. (Y/N)'s airways hurt, but she screamed the pain out, in hopes that the pain in her heart would vanish. Her weeping went on for long minutes until she choked in her own sobs that Tsukishima had to get her another glass of water.

"Tell me, Kei." She began, wiping her eyes, "Is there... something wrong with me? Is my dream really that insignificant?"

"There's nothing wrong with you. You followed your ideals. Anyone including me would've done the same." He answered beside her.

"I-It's realistic, right?"

"It is."

"Then... why did it turn out like this?" Her voice was cracking.

Tsukishima looked down, "The society is just very cruel."

"Yeah. It sure is. Such a cruel society to live with." 

(Y/N) let out a dejected sigh and leaned on Tsukki's shoulder. "I couldn't look at them without such overwhelming fear and hate anymore. I wonder if... they knew that I was doing this for them. I'd like to make them smile with something I've made myself. Once, I made each of them a portrait. A realistic one made from a pencil. I couldn't afford a material set that can be used to paint realistically, but I tried my best to impress them with a charcoal one. Oh, if only you saw their faces when I gave them the portraits. They returned a half-hearted smile. It wasn't the same kind of joy I see whenever I give them perfect scores on tests. I didn't spend 3 sleepless nights just to see their half happy, half unpleased reaction. I wish they could feel more proud of their daughter who worked hard for them... I wonder if they threw it away as he did on my sketch pad..." 

They let silence engulf the atmosphere for a while. (Y/N) had calmed down a little, despite shedding smaller tears from the side of her eyes. Tsukishima held the sweatshirt he gave her earlier to make her wear it on the top of her hoodie to lessen her shivering. He stared at her, while the other gazed down on the floor with dead eyes.

Tsukishima asked, "So, what are you going to do now?"

"What am I going to do now huh..." (Y/N) repeated. "I'll probably... put everything to an end."

"You know I won't let you."

"I'm not talking about my life, silly. I might stop drawing and all. I've lost it."

"Isn't your life and drawing one and the same? And I'm pretty sure you have that immense talent to continue."

"No... Besides, talent isn't a talent if it doesn't make anyone happy."

The blonde mentally scoffed. She just said that it makes her happy in the beginning.

"Oh? Fine, stop doing that one thing you put everything into. What would that girl you received a commission from would feel if she were to hear you though?"

(Y/N) was stunned. She had completely forgotten about the whole commission thing she opened in her social media accounts. Tsukishima accompanied (Y/N) on giving the commissioned charcoal portrait to a girl last 3 weeks ago. It was (Y/N)'s first commission for years she's making art. Someone liked her work for the first time and paid for it, and her client looks very contented and glad. The words she said filled her thoughts with inspiration.

"Wow, this is awesome! I'm so happy!! Thank you for making this, it was exactly what I've pictured on my mind! You're amazing! All the excitement I've bottled up for this day is so worth it," The girl, probably a little older than them paused and admired the painting she received from (Y/N).

"Would you ignore those words she said?"

 'Please don't stop drawing, I'll be looking forward to your future works!' 

A pang of guilt hit her chest. She wants to pursue art, but there are these shackles and chains on her limbs and around her neck that made it hard for her to move forward. She couldn't breathe. What happened yesterday night was too much. Her parents went overboard. 

"B-But—"

A monotone voice interrupted her, "Don't. Never stop striving for something you have been building for years. You might be defeated now, but surely, you will win some time. There's no way you'll stay in the lowest level of the ladder after I saw how hard you worked. You will go to nationals again, and I will continue to support you. I'll cheer for you and stay by your side! So please, do not stop! Let me see those beautiful blocks that you execute in the game once more! And I will watch you reach the top! Doesn't matter how many times, I'll never get weary of watching you do amazing things!"

She was silenced by that statement. She had definitely heard those before, but couldn't quite remember where. 

"Does the sentiment seem familiar to you? Those are the same words that came from your mouth when I was planning to quit volleyball after our huge loss to Date Tech last year. I am returning them back to you."

"Huh?" She replied with a meek voice.

"That time, you really did a good job meddling with my decisions. It annoyed me first, but what you had stated held a weight that I couldn't disregard. You gave me the small push I didn't know I needed. In the end, I'd like to pay you back." Tsukishima stated with a far away look in his eyes.

(Y/N) listened with watery eyes. This Tsukishima's side isn't definitely the one she gets to see every day so she couldn't feel anything but the warm, fuzzy feeling that is healing her heart. 

"It's probably selfish for me to say this but, don't you dare give up. I didn't stop. No matter how long and hard the game is, no matter how tired and discouraged I get, and no matter how many pessimistic thoughts clouded my head, I didn't stop chasing after a falling ball and thinking of another tactic to counter the enemy. I kept your words with me in court. It was you who told me not to in the first place, and I'm not going to forgive you if you ever dropped everything. I won't let the stupid, starry-eyed (Y/N) die today."

The girl beside her started sobbing. "But you told me once that my drawing are ugly."

"Oh. That. I... kind of remember that. I'm not sorry about what I said because I did it to provoke and rile you up. It was a lie though. As someone who always sees you drawing, I can't call your work ugly at all. Your art is... astounding. You make it look like it's so easy to do. I think you forgot next sentence after I told you that."

"What was the sentence after?"

Tsukishima sighed, "I told you to keep doing it, right?"

The sound of (Y/N) crying engulfed the kitchen, "Oh gosh, why did I forget that... I'm sorry, I'm so idiotic..."

The blonde brought her back to his arms, "Will you stop crying, you've been too hard on yourself today,"

(Y/N) hid her face on his chest, muffling her speech, "c-couldn't help it... my mind is such a mess... I do not know..." She paused, coughing. "It's no use if m-my parents don't acknowledge me..."

"Hundreds, or perhaps thousands of people who follow you on social media account recognize you. People in school recognizes you. I recognize you. I am your ally. Isn't that enough reason for you to get back on your feet? I will support you just like how you supported me. You have a lot of people who admire you, but I only have a few people and you. Yet your words are enough. I'm certain that soon, you will reach your parents' standards and get them to acknowledge you. It's not impossible."

(Y/N) fixed her tear-stained face before looking up to him, "You know what? Who are you? Is a good spirit possessing your body? The Kei I know will either stay quiet or laugh at me for being pathetic."

"I was trying to be nice for once and this is what I get?" He frowned.

(Y/N) chuckled and hugged Tsukishima, "I'm sorry. Everything you said meant the world to me. Thank you very much."

She relaxed against his lean body, "I have a question though..."

"What?"

"You literally had no business in my art, it was my own problem. Why are you doing this?"

"Why don't you ask yourself after you argued with me that night? Why did you have to butt in with my choices?"

"Because you like volleyball! You might look like that someone stole your dinosaur collection when you're at practice, but you're good at it and have a future in it! It is a part of you, and you're deciding to throw it away? Your potential is too big to be wasted and I refuse to let that happen." Her voice is a little louder now, but hoarse.

"There's your answer, little gremlin."

"How is that— Oh."

"But I'd like to add something."

"What is it?"

"You look better doing what you really like. It makes you look less like a hag."

It was silent after that. (Y/N) punched his arm. Tsukishima didn't even wince but asked, "What was that for?"

"The last statement was unnecessary, and the first one is sweet yet cringey." She criticized. 

"C'mon, I'm just a teenager. Aren't you the cringey one most of the times?"

She used the handkerchief to sniffle her runny nose away, "Why do you have a knack of returning everything I said to me?"

"I won't do it if it's not appropriate." Tsukishima placed his hands on her back and to her hair, "So, what are you going to do now, (Y/N)?"

"I'll think things through. My brain is still slightly messy, but I'll be fine, thanks to you. But Kei..."

He hummed as a response. "I don't want to go home. I want to run away."

"Not possible. You can't survive on your own. You're almost 18 and until now, you don't understand how a washing machine works with all your perfect scores in exams."

"This is just a thought. I didn't say I'll be alone. I'm taking you with me."

"I refuse."

"Why?"

"Couldn't you wait for more months until we graduate?"

(Y/N)'s eyebrows raised, "So basically, you're agreeing, but not this time?"

"No, but you'll be free of your parents' suffocating control. Who knows how huge is your potential by that time."

"How considerate of you." The girl smiled.

"Only this time. And no, we won't live in the same place in college. Not yet. Not until we finish our studies, have secured jobs, and get important things done." 

"Will you be playing volleyball at college?"

He lazily replied, "Probably."

"Don't give me such an ambiguous answer!"

"Probably yes." 

"Hmm. Fine by me. I'll continue to draw, then." (Y/N) rested her head near Tsukishima's neck. 

He smiled a little at her answer, "Another thing though. I don't think... you should leave things with your parents like that. There'll be a time where you have to face it."

"Yes, that sucks... I don't want to think about it but I'll have to go back eventually... When that confrontation happens, I'll try to calmly talk it out with them. I will never be certain if it will end well. But my hate and fear of them won't change."

"You can always run back here if it didn't end well."

"Kei, don't want to see their faces just yet. Can I stay here for a while?"

"You even bother to ask. You are welcome anytime in this household. Just enter the house in the front door, not in my window."

"Right... thank you."

"Oh, now it's my turn to ask. How did you get in there?"

(Y/N) sighed, "It was on 4:30pm. I was on the loose and I looked for a store where anyone can't recognize me so I can eat for lunch. But there's this creep who kept on following me—"

"Did he hurt you?" He abruptly questioned.

"No. I ran as fast as I could before he could even get close to me, but in the next block, there were the town authorities with my mom, and I knew they were looking for me, so I blended into the people with my hoodie on and made my way. I climbed the tree in panic that they'll find me and hid there. It took me hours to notice that your house is just next to it, so I decided to climb to your window. However, the window was locked, and I was stuck."

Tsukishima sighed in relief. "It was a miracle that a klutz like you didn't fell off the tree and surprisingly, no one found you."

"I was high in adrenaline when I climbed the tree. My blending and hiding skills are in ninja-tier now, I beat you."

"Whatever. What did you have for breakfast?"

"...a melon bread."

"Just that?"

"Just that." 

Tsukishima kissed her forehead before lifting her up with him. "Go change. Borrow any of my clothes. I'll reheat the food."

(Y/N) kissed his cheek, slowly got off him and went upstairs. Tsukishima opened his phone to text Yamaguchi about her situation and proceeded to reheat the spicy curry. 

"Wait, Kei! Is it okay for me to eat?" She shouted from upstairs.

"What kind of question is that? Of course you can." He shouted back.

"Your mom left that for you, for your dad and for your brother. I'd feel bad."

"My brother and dad will come home late and I'm sure they've eaten already. So is mom."

"Are you sure? I can replace the food." She said while going down the stairs.

"Oh, you can cook? I'm afraid you'll burn the whole kitchen." He mocked.

"At least not the whole house." (Y/N) laughed, "Just kidding, I have a tiny knowledge in cooking."

"You don't have to, I told you they already ate. I'll bring out the sushi mom made if you still want to eat."

"Alright. Thank you for the food."

Few hours later, Tsukishima's mom came home and took off her shoes. "I'm home."

As she was about to enter the living room, Akiteru greeted her and placed his finger in front of his lips, indicating her to keep quiet. She wondered what was going on and saw her youngest son and his girlfriend leaning on his shoulder, asleep on the couch in front of the TV. He signaled her to read the note Kei left on the table. 

To mom, dad, and brother,

Earlier in the morning, (Y/N) went missing and her parents and town authorities were looking for her. I found her on the way home, but it turns out that she ran away from her home because of an intense argument between her parents, and doesn't want to be found yet. Please let her stay here for a while. I'll do most of the household chores or any favor you ask me in return. 

Mom, I shared the curry and sushi rolls with her. I left for some for dad and brother. (Y/N) said it was very delicious. 

Love, 

Kei.

She smiled after reading the note and looked at the sleeping kids. She took notice of (Y/N)'s eyes and quickly understood the situation. Before she left to rest in her room, she looked for a spare blanket and laid it atop them to keep them warm. 

(Y/N) snuggled further to Tsukishima's arms, satisfied on how this night will end well, unlike yesterday's.

©4aloysius.porteu.2021. please do not repost, copy, or edit. plagiarism is punishable by law.

[zacks-oc-house]

“Just Because”

Starring Roul and Ia ( @ia-bi-tia ) enjoy!

*BUZZ BUZZ* It was 2 am when Roul heard his phone go off, waking him in a daze. I’ll just ignore it. No one needs me rn. But apparently someone did, for the texts turned into a phone call. Roul sloppily reached for his phone, momentarily blinded by the bright blue light against the pitch black room. After his eyes adjusted, he realized it said Ia and the cute selfie they took for his contact picture of them was up on the screen. Failing to swipe the answer the first time, he quickly swore before getting it the next time. “Hello Ia, is everything alright?” Roul half mumbled into the phone.

More under the cut because wow I wrote a lot.

“Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Woul. Let’s go stargazing on the dorm roof!!” He could easily hear Ia’s energy and apparent lack of feeling tired. “Why?” Ia excitingly answered back “just because.” He hated to tell them no, but damn he was tired. “I’m already in bed, baby. Why don’t you just come over and cuddle up against me. We’ll watch a vid of stars instea-“ but Ia had already interjected with “NO! I WANNA SEE THEM IRL. With myyy star.” Ia poured as much sweetness as possible into their voice. “Alright, baby. By the time you get here I should be ready-“ But the door was already opening, Ia scurrying inside. Roul let out an impressed gasp as he turned his lamp on. “You little gremlin!! You knew I’d say yes. Get over here.” He finished with a playful grunt, patting his bed. He saw them happily bite their tongue and hurry over, leaning in to give him a kiss. He sat up in the bed to wrap his arms around their slim waist. “C’mon sleepy head!!! Those stars won’t be there forever!! Don’t make me get your clothes” Ia went over to his wardrobe. Roul knew what they were about to do as they turned their head to him, mischief plain as day on their face. He quickly bounded out of bed and hurried over to it, saving his clothes from being tossed out if they had to pick his outfit. “You really know how to get me to do anything, don’t you?” Ia wrapped their arms around him, thrumming. “Uh huhhhh!!! I sure do. Oh no not that. This! And this! And this!” Roul looked at them, confused. “Why does my outfit matter if we’re stargazing?” Ia danced their fingers over Roul’s bare chest. “Just because.” He laughed lightly, shaking his head and going along with them. After he was dressed and hair fixed, he grabbed his Diana camera before being pulled out the door with Ia.

They climbed the staircase hand in hand until they reached the top, Ia quickly blocking the door with their slight frame. They sure are acting different tonight. “Okay, bunny boy, I may have lied about wanting to stargaze “just because”. I wanted to surprise youuuuu.” Roul was definitely confused until Ia opened the roof access door. On part of the roof was a topless gazebo of sorts, strung with countless lights twinkling in the dark. In the middle was a tarp covering something lumpy. “Oh fuck hold on.” They darted over, ripping off the tarp to reveal very pretty cushions, pillows, and blankets. “Ia, sweetie, this is beautiful. Did you do all this for us?” Ia laughed, shoulders raising as they scurried back to him. “Oh no, I’m too scrawny to manage that! Some of the art kids had photography sessions up here. And I just happen to be friends with this installations owner. They said as long as we don’t destroy it AND replace the tarp, we could use it for a couple hours. SO COME ON!!” Ia tugged at Roul’s arm.

“So this is why you wanted me to wear nice clothes. I thought you were just bored and wanted us to dress up.” Ia nodded along. “That’s believable. But no, we’re going to take some fucking cute ass pictures because we’re a cute ass couple and the world needs to KNOW!!” Roul let out a small gasp. “You. You said the c-word.” Ia looked at him quickly, confused. “I didn’t call anyone a cunt.” Roul shook his head as he pulled them into an embrace. “No, you called us a couple.” They had been PLENTY intimate for the weeks they’d known each other, but neither had made it official, until now. Ia’s mouth went wide. “I guess I did say couple.. do... you wanna make things official? IT’SOKAYIFYOUDONTWANTTO. I’LLUNDERSTAND-“ Roul placed a finger to their lips, calming them. “I would be more than happy to make things official and call you my partner, and I your boyfriend.” He pulled them into a kiss, letting physical touch replace what they may have been unable to put into words. After their kiss broke, Ia let out a wild giggle. “I’m dating an absolute huuuuUUUUuuunk.” Roul laughed in unison with them, before pulling them into another kiss.

“Okieee there’s a tripod we can set your phone in and take these cute pics! You lay down so I can test where to put the phone.” Once Ia got the frame adjusted, they nestled into the pillows and cushions up against Roul. They did a multitude of poses together, some serious, some cute, some fun. In addition, they took some singles as well. “I have an idea hehe..” Ia leaned into Roul and unbuttoned his shirt. Enjoying Ia on them so much, Roul only just then noticed Ia had worked off all clothes except for his undies. “You sure do quick work of me, baby.” Roul wanted more, but Ia pulled away, going to the phone.

“C’mon hunky boy, give me some steamy poses for when you’re not with me.” Never to disappoint them, Roul arched himself amongst the pillows in a couple arrangements. He could only hope they turned out sexy and not silly. He was also very thankful it was summer and not cold. “Alright, now it’s your tur-“ Ia descended upon him, kissing him wildly as he (gently) tore off their clothes. (He had ripped a shirt once and felt terrible.) Eventually, the kisses slowed, giving Roul a chance to man the camera, getting some splendid shots of Ia. They were well versed in seductive photos. Roul received them regularly, and they were much more artful than the ones he sent in return. Their final series of photos were them together, sans clothing.

After they agreed they were finished, they redressed and resumed cuddling. “I’m sure the stars looked lovely while we were up here hehe. Maybe tomorrow we’ll get to see them.” Ia said as Roul pulled them both up. “Let’s reset everything and head back down stairs, baby.” Ia let out a whimper, but agreed. They replaced the tarp and unplugged the lights. Once they were out, the glittering night sky was easily viewable. “Oh wow, look at them all.” Remembering his Diana, Roul quickly attached it to the tripod, readied it, and opened its shutter. “Okay, my phone will go off when to close the shutter. For now we can enjoy Earth’s beauty in peace.”

Ia shook against Roul excitingly as they stared up at the night sky. “That’s the big dipper and then the little dipper. The little dipper is actually part of another constellation but it’s harder to make out... “ they continued on until Roul’s phone buzzed. He closed the shutter and wound to the next exposure. Ia picked up where they left off, educating Roul on stars and all the wonders of the night sky. They soon realized Roul was only looking at the sky part of the time, most of it he was gazing at Ia. “Heyy now I’m not the night sky!” Roul chuckled and wrapped them close to him. “No, but you’re my star. You’re all I want to look at.” They buried their face into his chest, semi muffled, they said “You’re my star tooo.” They hugged tight for a couple more minutes. “Ia, baby, I’m so glad you wanted to go star gazing, ‘just because’.”

[rottenwoodandwiltedsunflowers]

It felt like transcendence - Kae

I’m supposed to be finishing up work and instead it’s 12:25 am and somehow 2020 keeps getting worse and worse and I can’t focus on anything productive and I’m just sitting here alone while my family sleeps. And I’m thinking about immersive theatre.

For someone who is fairly gregarious on the internet--I’ve written about my sex life and liveblogged my pregnancy for publication, after all--I’m a surprisingly guarded person IRL. I don’t see crying as a sign of weakness in others, but I can’t convince myself of the same. I only really trust one or two people in my life at a time. That’s all I have capacity for. I’m an adoptee. I’m a Capricorn. It’s who I am.

I miss the hotel right now and immersive theatre in general. What’s hard to explain to most people is that it’s not just about the art and the live performance. Maybe it’s about the community, though I ironically see my far-flung fan friends more often now than I did before the pandemic shut down theater. We’re all desperate for immersive work and have been seeing virtual shows together and apart, having Zoom chats and group chats and debriefs about them, sharing reviews and solving clues collectively.

I do miss people and IRL connection, but that’s not the ache I feel most ardently. I accessed something within myself in immersive shows that I can’t replicate anywhere else. Is transcendence too strong of a word? It felt spiritual, but I also don’t know if I know what spirituality means. Immersive was (is?) a solo experience for me, whether I went with someone else or not. I felt alive and present in my body at immersive shows. I’m always thrilled to have a 1-1 or to see a new scene added at Sleep No More. But it’s the much smaller moments and experiences that swoooooosh returned me to my flesh. And I miss that feeling, of being transported. The illusion of being alone in my head, that allowed me to focus on just what was in front of me, just what I wanted and who I was in the moment. Since becoming a parent, I both started seeing more and more immersive shows beyond SNM and had less frequent trips to NYC to see shows at all. The last time I saw SNM was October of 2019, the Halloween trip. I haven’t been back to NYC since. I don’t remember who was on or what I saw or where I wandered. It wasn’t a deeply transformative trip to the McKittrick. I took it for granted and if I could go back today, I would try to take it all in--the scents, the textures, the million tiny details. Corners of the building are already blurring in my memories.

But I do remember some very specific things, teeny moments embedded in my long term memory from 7 years (6 in earnest) of immersive adventuring.

Some scattered memories from the last few years that I can still smell, hear, taste, and remember, from SNM and others:

Being alone in the lofted bedroom alcove at the very top of the brownstone building in which Inside the Wild Heart by Group.BR was performed and standing slightly too close to the wall, when I realized the flowers on the walls were talking. Barely audible audio of Clarice Lispector reading her work, like a whisper, was being played through the flowers pinned to the wall, so quiet and in such a small, lonely corner of the building. Who would hear them? Who would ever happen upon them or stand just close enough to that particular wall? But they called to me and I pressed my ear closer to the wall to hear their whispers.

Outright choke-sobbing during the last scenes of Remembrance by Linked Dance, a time during which I really wished I was alone and was also slightly embarrassed that I’d paid extra for the additional scenes that commenced while I was still gurgling and wiping my tears on my sleeve. My grandmother, who I was very close to, died after living a long time with Alzheimer’s. That show was so lovely and I held it together the entire time and then it all burst out at once and it’s truly the most emotional I’ve ever been in public that wasn’t, like, an actual funeral.

Reading through all the manila folders in the reverend’s outside room at SNM, when that was a thing, and puzzling over the characters in the files. Who was the midwife? The nanny? What about the others? Trying to commit it all to memory. Failing. Crawling through the tunnel and being shocked by the soft texture and brilliant white of the chapel (towel room).

The first time I felt the flutter of movement during my pregnancy with Remi, a slight ticklish wiggling inside me, so slight I barely registered it. Had I been moving about my normal life, I might not have noticed. I was, at that moment, deeply moved and completely still, witnessing the Father do a dance of regrets across a sandy roof in The Grand Paradise by Third Rail Projects. I don’t know if a fetus can register its gestational carrier’s emotions, but I have always felt that Remi was reacting to my heightened emotional state.

A night during which I was the only person with the porter during the boy witch lip sync. A scene I’d seen many times, but after looping this particular porter, I felt deeply empathetic towards him. He never took his eyes off of the boy witch and I never took my eyes off of him and he started to cry and I felt tears coming in the tightness of my throat. As though he could feel the synchronicity between us, without turning his fixed gaze from the boy witch, he reached his outstretched hand towards me across the desk. I’d seen the porter loop many times, so I was surprised, but I knew that it was meant for me and I didn’t hesitate to take it. We held hands, urgently, and those tears started to fall one-by-one down my face and then, when the boy witch was done, the porter shook the spell and looked me directly in the eyes, squeezing my hand before moving back to his unfortunate loop.

Watching an actor climb around a huge bookshelf, finding little pots of white paint behind the books and painting her face with her fingertips, while blue light cast unnatural shadows over the room--a scene you probably saw if you saw Submersive Productions’ first large-scale work in Baltimore, The Mesmeric Revelations of Edgar Allen Poe. What I remember is just watching her, as other audience members came and went, for a very long time, for the entire wordless scene, including when she dismounted from the shelves and folded her arms at odd angles into the top of a wooden piano.

The scene in Then She Fell by Third Rail Projects when Alice sees you through the mirror, the audience member becoming the mirror image of Alice. The actor spoke no words. We made eye contact through the implied mirror and she reached for the clementine on her side and I reached the one on mine and then we peeled it together, wordlessly, the skin giving easily under our fingers, and slipped one slice into our mouth and it was sweet.

And, of course, the very first SNM show and the very first time I saw the banquet scene. I have no idea what loop it was--maybe second? I didn’t comprehend anything about the show that night other than that I was intrigued. The banquet scene, which I so often skipped intentionally in my later shows, so often stayed out in the bar at the end of the night if I was having a good time, was the highlight of that very first show. It felt like the whole room slowed and warped. It stopped my breath. I was zoomed in. I could feel my pulse. The whole ballroom pulsed as the lights and mood shifted. For a moment, I was unstuck in time.

If you’re missing immersive theater right now, please do come to The Lost Halloween. It’s a moment for all of us to get found. A bit. And if you’re able, please give to the fundraiser. Every single dollar is an investment in another person's survival and a meaningful thank you for the ways immersive experiences have challenged us, affirmed us, and brought us joy and healing.

[lingdidi]

tagged by: @completely-fused i’m sorry it took me so long to get to it :((

tagging: no one as always oOP

rules: answer the questions and tag people you’d like to get to know better!

as always i will put a read mroe for people who are not interested hehe

what do you prefer to be called name-wise?

everyone nowadays calls me Berry even irl! it’s been like this for many years now skjfnsdkjfn but i also like being called by my real name! (for those who know what it is, of course lol)

when is your birthday?

july 4th~

where do you live?

i live in spain!

three things you are doing right now?

i’m listening to this song i really liked back in???? 2015? 2016? i suddenly remembered it yesterday skjfdsnkjf

i’m about to answer the ask kee sent me to ship my mutuals with golcha!

i’m... breathing? i’m not doing much more and tbh i’m a little bored sjknfkdsj but i guess the ships will entertain me sjkfndskj

four fandoms that have piqued your interest?

to be honest i think besides kpop fandoms i don’t think i’m in many fandoms? earlier this year i watched The Untamed and i loved it so that could count, I’m watching Guardian with mirf now so maybe that too? i can’t think of much more rip

how has the pandemic been treating you?

:) if uni didn’t exist i’d say it was pretty decent and could have been way worse. in fact, this summer despite the pandemic i was the happiest i had been in a very long time and i just??? felt sooo mentall healthy. but of course, when uni came back, everything went down again and here we are. 3rd year of uni and the worst so far and by far :)))))))))

a song you can’t stop listening to right now?

belle epoque by onf!! i feel like most people know it sjknfkjdsnfk but it’s really my comfort song lately... it’s so beautiful

school, university, occupation, other?

as i said i’m in uni :>

do you prefer heat or cold?

i prefer cold!! if i get cold i can get comfy with many layers of clothing or blankets or anything but?? if it’s too hot??? i could go full nakde and turn the fan on and still suffer (: and i hate sweating

name one fact others may not know about you

i...... this will probs be unexpected for everyone except isa and mirf who know it all but.. i really..... really like dragon ball z since i was a kid snkfjdsnkj i may not be the most knowledgeable person about it but i love it. i slept over at isa’s beach house for a week in summer and one night past midnight we were in bed and i. talked to her about the whole story for probably over an hour. in fact when i asked her what’s a fact others don’t know about me she said “that you’re the ultimate goku fan” so that’s why i settled for this sjnfsdkjf i like it so much that when they released the game dragon ball z kakarot in january this year i wanted it SO much but i couldn’t buy it for reasons. i settled for watching streamers playing it but i kept wanting it the whole year and around september i was so desperate to play something about dragon ball z that i PLAYED A 2004 GBA GAME OF IT ON AN EMULATOR ON MY LAPTOP. my brother told his friend while chatting on his ps4 that he saw me playing that game and that i had been wanting the new one so much but we were waiting for a good sale so we could buy it together. but his friend, who had the game and already finished playing it long ago, felt so much pity for me that he came to my house the next day, handed me the game and said “take as long as you need to play it”. i still haven’t been able to finish the game because of uni but as much as i wanna give it back because it’s not mine i... dread the moment i finish the game and have to say goodbye to it forever... fun fact i even have a dragon ball shirt that resembles the Turtle School uniform (a martial arts school of the db universe) and a little figurine of my favorite character.......

are you shy?

yeah i’d say i am very shy :))) and on top of that i’m very awkward and a v big introvert but surprisingly?? a lot of people say i manage well enough in social situations when i have to,,, good for me sjfndsjknfsj

biggest pet peeve?

this may be very typical but the sound of chewing (if it’s with their mouth open it’s extra annoying to me, but when i can still hear it even when they chew with their mouth closed........), sitting next to someone and they dON’T STOP shaking their leg(s), or this stupid weird habit my brother has of making farting noises with his hands?? like why does he even do that

what’s your main blog?

this one!

list your sideblogs and what they’re used for

GOD, GET READY (i even have more but those are just either urls i hoard or a sEcReT -if you ever find them you’ll know it’s mine real quick tho sjkfdsjkf-)

@/noirdecoco: art blog with isa!

@/baecobie: fic rec blog that i haven’t used in the longest time ever

@/angelwenning: the untamed blog that i haven’t used in t-

@/daengni: noir blog with isa that we used like two days

@/youthhasboyfriends: group blog for bf headcanons of ip+qcyn trainees. some were hilarious sjfndskj

@/mcsungjin: the most cursed blog (with isa)

@/chengchengfans: listen this is one of my favorite sideblogs ever. it’s a pity that it’s dead (with isa too)

now some honorable mentions of a couple urls i hoard: speedidi (i believe mirf never posted her superhero didi fic so i could never use this url), didikong (if you’ve been following me for a very long time, you’ll remember didikong day.), tiddydidi

is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends?

i may be veeeeeeeeeeeery slow with replies sometimes but 1- i’m really busy with uni as i said :( 2- sometimes i just don’t feel like talking at all (not even because i’m feeling sad or anything but sometimes i just wanna do something else)

[flyswhumpcenter]

Bad Things Happen Bingo! The event where you send me requests according to this marvelous card! (Red cross is the completed prompt, character headshots are prompts I’ve already filled. Green deltas are for requested prompts.)

There’s a reason why Chronos was such a cruel god.

I almost forgot to post this fic... I started it a while back, got art block, and only went back to it during a boring geography lesson during Whumptober. It was also not meant to be an Inazuma fic, but sometimes I have a weird creativity and muse. Don't ask me, the wonders of the human mind I guess. It'll come to literally nobody's surprise that I ship Anna and Nosaka because I'm the token F/M shipper of the main fanfic writers of this fandom (y'know, gotta contrast my colleagues and provide the stuff nobody but me and maybe an IRL friend wants). I'm surprised I've never managed to finish a fic with them before, tho: yes, the previous prompt fill, "Bedside Vigil" was supposed to be for them until I switched to Haizaki/Akane over... my Tomodachi Life game immediately pairing them up (true story). Anyway. This fic does imply to a road accident of some sort, so if you're sensitive to this kind of topic (for which you're entirely justified, tbh, that's coming from someone who's almost been in one), proceed with caution. It's nothing graphic or anything, just floating in the background of this story, though. I also almost forgot to mention this is supposed to be set in my Inazuma Café AU, but the only reason why you need to know that is because they're college students there, and why Anna and Hikaru are as friendly to each other as they are here. I mean, if you wanna know more, I'll gladly respond to questions.

It’s also the last story I can write for this card without getting a Five in a Row, which I may or may not have done on purpose lol

---------

For Time Cannot Be Accelerated

Summary: Anna didn't think ambulance rides could last this long on the mind. She was seriously proven wrong.

Fandom: Inazuma Eleven (Ares/Orion continuity; implied college AU) Relationships: Platonic Anna & Hikaru friendship, implied established Anna/Nosaka

Wordcount: 1.7K words

Content Warnings: Implied road accident, talks of death, some blood and talk of injury.

Event hosted by @badthingshappenbingo

AO3 version available here.

-------

They’re all tense in the ambulance. It doesn’t help that they share a small space amongst themselves, all cranked in one back of a truck that had clearly been made to have one stretcher and the paramedics watching over it. Nobody talks, except the latter amongst themselves in the front of the ambulance and through the vehicle. Instead, they don’t look at each other, too busy staring at the floor or their responsibility.

Anna has opted for the floor, for the time being.

 It’s overwhelming to remain here, in a crowded place where she felt alone nonetheless, drowned in the noise of the beeping machinery and blaring sirens echoing on the inside, feet surrounded by wires, hands trembling and sorrow she desperately kept inside. Her thoughts are still shaken from what had happened merely moments before, isolating her even further, words having escaped from her mouth and her vocal cords remaining knotted with no throat clearing able to untie them back to usefulness. She’s speechless, voiceless, useless.

Her shoulder is pressed against Ichihoshi’s, whose hand happens to sometimes brush against her naked arms. From what little she can see of his face, drowned in the darkness of the vehicle and lit by the unstable, flickering coloured lights of the different monitors crippling her earing, he isn’t any more relaxed than she was, shoulders stiff and frowned eyebrows, biting his lip, trying not to fidget with his fingers. She feels like she should be telling him something to make him untense, but considering how tense she also is, she has no idea what she’s even supposed to utter. Her mental syllabus has given up on her for the time being.

 In this moment of despair and desolation, Anna still admires the valiant efforts of the paramedics making sense of the numbers displayed on tiny screens and muttering a language she doesn’t understand most of, words whose meaning she has no idea of flying way over her head. They’ve kept their cool when she was on the verge of tears, an unknown yet powerful force preventing her from falling to her knees and weeping like she is, frankly, wanting to do above everything else. Still, she’s the Empress, and no Empress has ever cried when her capacity of judgement was needed.

The air of the ambulance was hot, too much so, smothering both Ichihoshi and her. If she could take a breather outside, even if it’d be for a mere moment or from a minuscule hole, her head would spin far less quickly, her world would stabilize, her mind would be much further from the verge of breaking down under its own weight. She craves tranquillity and serenity, two states of mind she’s meant to have and yet lacked in these desperate moments.

 Anna has started finding ways to recover her calm. The floor of the ambulance which seemed highly uncomfortable and disgustingly dirty when she climbed in now looked more than comfortable enough to her, but they lacked the space to even attempt sitting down. Before long, she’s realized the hard reality of things: there’s no way for her to get even the slightest bit more comfortable, and despite the speeds this vehicle is going at, it’s still taking ages in her mind.

In a way, it reminds her of being on a sinking ship, swimming in the cold sea, except she doesn’t even have the merit of risking hypothermia because she’s boarding on a rescue boat while someone else is pushing it, giving their skin to the freezing waters and floating debris. Morbid imagery she tries to erase out of her mind as soon as possible, yet the beating of her heart making itself known in her head and neck prevent her from not thinking about death nor debris.

 “I… I hope everything will be alright,” Ichihoshi eventually stutters, in an almost-whisper, voice hiding behind the ill-paced cacophony.

“So do I,” she replies as she notices something was dripping along her skin, eyeing the liquid going down her arm. Drifting her glance in its direction, she sees he’s holding his right arm with his left hand pressed against his jacket’s fabric, a faint difference in colours showing up in the mostly uniform light blue-and-red that his white sleeves had become.

As a result, her voice changes in tone, “are you okay, Ichihoshi?”

“It stings, but it’s nothing too bad. I’ll have it checked when we’ll arrive.”

The trembling, weakness in his own voice makes her more than doubtful of his statement. He’s unstable on his feet, almost swaying, crashing into her when the ambulance unfortunately shifted too quickly for him to catch himself on something, fingers slipping on the metal walls. She barely catches him with weak arms, legs feeling fainter until she’s stabilized him on his feet.

“I don’t believe that it can’t be ‘too bad’, if you’re tilting this much,” she tells him, even more concern melting into acid. “Let me see”.

 A sense of responsibility gives her back some of her stability, legs straightening up, eyes sharper as she tried to see in the half-dark. Without a word, she took off her comrade’s sleeve, noticing the sharp contrast marked by what could only be a wound. It seems like a deep cut, with shards reflecting the dim lights visibly exiting from it. Her hair rises on her limbs as soon as she knows what this is about.

“How long do we have left until we arrive?” She demands, in an imploring voice, to the paramedics.

They’re not able to provide a clear time, “a couple minutes left, traffic’s really bad, our apologies”, so she has to deal with it and simply keep Ichihoshi close to her, making sure he doesn’t trip on himself, inspecting for other wounds he could have. Aside from his arm, she thinks she sees a stain on his stomach and another on his right leg, although they’re less noticeable and she kind of sighs in relief to herself about that fact. It must mean they’re less grievous than the one she saw first.

 “I really hope he’s gonna be okay…” Ichihoshi whispers close to her ear, back lying against the metal.

The concern she’s tried to hold in until now by thinking of something else and failing to fully do so breaks through the gates and floods her mind again. She has too much to worry about and not enough available space, the scratches on her knees and elbows from the glass shards paling in comparison to the anguish that this ambulance ride is starting to become.

“Same here…” Her voice almost chokes on itself, but she breathes in and out, swallows her pride and her stress in one gulp, and continues speaking as not to betray her actual state of mind. “I’m sure he’ll be fine, he’s pulled through worse, I know it…”

Her hands still enlace themselves in a silent prayer she tries to hide from the world.

“He’ll… be fine. He will be fine.”

She wants to cry.

“You’re right. Surely he’ll make it…”

 Anna isn’t lying to reassure herself, merely speaking her truth. Yuuma has always proven himself to being capable of the most daring stunts, even life-threatening ones. While she doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to fully forgive him hiding his tumour away from her for reasons he’s never quite told her about, merely tune down the hurt he’s caused her by taking in account the reasons he did so; she has to use it as proof it should be fine. She only has hope to keep herself afloat now, her reason having fled the scene.

Yuuma is capable of great things, that much she’s sure of. She doesn’t know him entirely yet, and is certain she won’t ever be able to fully understand his character, yet she trusts him with her own life and, in these dire moments, he needs her. He needs her to remain strong and level-headed, to withstand the pressure and the desolation taking root inside her heart. They’ve promised to remain together and be there for each other: it’s time for her to fulfil her part of the trade.

Plus, from the three of them involved in this tragic accident, she’s the only one who has grazes instead of injuries. She also has to keep an eye on Ichihoshi on behalf of both Yuuma and her.

 “He’ll make it. I’m certain of it,” she repeats, more to herself than to her friend.

“I’m sure of it too,” he adds, in a similar fashion, and they’re back to both silently pray in silence as time slowly flows before their eyes, like the calm waves of a serene beach coming and going. If she closes her eyes and tries ignoring reality enough, she can almost hear the sea instead of sirens and cryptic whispers.

“And you? Are you okay?” she asks, her hands leaving their praying position, about to inspect her friend.

“I’ll be fine…”

He sounds too unsure to her liking, but before she can even comment on that, the atmosphere changes as she hears in echoes the nearby sirens of other ambulances.

 This is when Anna realizes that she couldn’t have been more relieved to see a hospital in her life, making sights she’d have wished never to see again some she was looking forward to: the paramedics shifting around the stretches and talking among themselves in a slightly different way, the monitors displaying new numbers, men shouting in an urgent tone. Almost unbeknownst to them, they were holding each other’s arm for support in dire times, the smell of iron sticking to his skin, her composure coming back despite the tears having taken away some of her makeup.

They’re most likely both ugly sights too, but they’re alive, they’ve arrived, and it’ll all be fine, eventually. For now, they step down from the ambulance, his arm wrapped around her shoulders. Despite the circumstances, neither of them succumb to their darker thoughts and bruises, not a complaint heard despite Ichihoshi grunting in pain from time to time and her lack of balance and remaining strength to carry the both of them without herself panting.

 Still, Anna is the Empress, this much she knows; and an empress remains strong, no matter the circumstances. She’ll trust Yuuma and bring Ichihoshi to someone who can help tend to his wounds. That’s her mission and she’ll make sure to accomplish.

[josealtuveandarishapirolove-blog]

José Altuve & Ari Shapiro ❤ U

and

too

and as I type this and take stock

I’m also calculating how much holiday trouble I can make (having given up being inoffensive or anodyne), alternating between a fact-based article about fact-based journalism and a blog about Lauren Conrad’s body positive stretchy jeans, and subconsciously beta-testing performance indicators for an insta post

uhh yeah

my love is compromised

but that’s who I am: not 100% whole

my New Year’s resolutions were 1) getting a doll bed for my phone so I could tuck her in each night, 2) elevating my toilet reading, and 3) kissing friends on the lips

I didn’t do any of that

I prayed and read about feminism and gender identity

my sixth graders did some writing. One girl wrote about her plan to cartwheel over a couch. Another girl wrote about painting the night sky on a backdrop for an extracurricular she called Trauma Club

a boy described painting grenade lines on avocados

a few weeks later I had a dream where I saw the boy on a street corner. “Do you want to war with me?” he asked. “I’ve got a Longstrike Sniper Rifle and a Mega CycloneShock Blaster”

“no,” I said. “I do not want to war with you”

“awww,” he said, “but look at the crows overhead. They’re cawing with sorrow”

sorrow’s solution isn’t war, and there isn’t going to be goodness without it

I fkn agree about those crows overhead

“Jan,” “Feb,” and “March” JANUARY

FEBRUARY

MARCH

I cleaned the living room and went to bed

are you there, durable story structure? Are you there, meaningful artifice? It’s me, Derek

what’s this deception

(from my people: the dishonest editing of the Melania-staring-at-her-feet-during-the-inauguration-ceremony clip; the supposed #dapl photographs of tipis burning; the fake “drafts” of LGBTQ-related executive orders; 3 rows of cheerleaders vs. “personal cheerleading squad” at CIA)

me with fake hair

finishing a bottle of wine but unable to finish a glass

closing my eyes and pairing Harajuku Barbie with Jamaican Drake, and Roman Zolanski with Houston Drake

ignorant of the 10 Taylors

repeating, I will not live in the past, I will not

revert to nostalgia like Diana Ross’ ‘96 Super Bowl performance, the helicopter swooping her up because she's not sticking around

kay reverting for one sec

the gold dress @ 8:32!!!

kay b2b 

layered comforters

to a place so quiet my thoughts shake drops of water from the branches outside the widow

to a place so dark I wear a harness that’s festooned with flowers and bows, woven like a doily, and no one says anything

the fan hummed on 1

NPR played but I didn’t hear

Kelly McEvers, Audie Cornish, or Robert Siegel

only Ari Shapiro with his huffy-bike-with-pink-flares-on-a-gravel-driveway voice penetrated the astronaut foam around my head

he considered all things

debating space and funding for intentional provocation on college campuses, re-drawing the lines between what government law requires and what personal ethics suggest, and delineating parameters human civilizations desire and individual moralities expect

eyes closed

I imagined I was Ari’s secretary, answering phones and saying “Ari is investigating how referring to Taiwan’s Tsai Ing-wen as the ‘President of Taiwan’ could destabilize thirty-seven years of work, but sure, he’ll speak to you in his sexay graveled lilt”

despite my superficially strong chin, dishpan eyes, depression naps, and inability to engage my older brother on anything meaningful, I could

answer phones

maybe

I wasn’t gonna be like Obama and drop a 56-page article in the Harvard Law Review on the topic of criminal justice reform and the president’s role in reducing mass incarceration today

or toomar

but with Ari on the radio

and Channing modeling rising strong

I could get

despite chronic uncertainty caused by an inflammatory opportunistic provocateur with ideological inconsistencies / blank slate relying on establishment voices to “drain the swamp”

Cirque du Soleil aluminum cubes spinning in my airspace

and knowing for sure that shapeshifting parenting is abusive parenting

“unlearning abuse also means unlearning the abusive behaviors that you inherited as survival tactics” (Chachi Yaniré)

I did it

nah we did it

we got outta bed

with a work mindset

and looked outside

asking, how do we conduct opposition research on family members?

and other questions we never thought to ask

so vehemently and often

how long until climate change drives beachfront property owners to poor mountain communities?

how does the whole butter movement compare to the camel’s milk revolution?

how do we transform the story of a street protest into a cultural norm?

should I trust the professional computer security expert / “shoe cobbler” down the street?

should every student have a laptop?

which of the “gay” traits can be said to be primarily innate, and which are socialized?

do you love my long fingers, my petite nose, regardless?

steak house or gay bar?

pocket constitution?

how come it’s legal to pay someone to have sex on camera but not legal to pay them irl?

what’s sacred about the connection between body and mind?

when it comes to H-1B visas, shouldn’t we consider global needs 50-100 years from now over the contributions STEM workers can make to the national economy this market period? 

what’s our dream collective skill-set?

what’s the first line of resistance?

18-year-old George Harris placing flowers in the rifle barrels of National Guardsman in a 1967 march on the Pentagon (Bernie Boston photo)

licensed practical nurse Ieshia Evans facing Baton Rouge law enforcement for protesting the shooting of Alton Sterling (Jonathan Bachman photo)

looking listening learning

harder when “a point made by a subculture at home on Facebook might look funny to another on Twitter, which can read as evidence of a conspiracy to yet another on YouTube, which might be seen as offensive on Tumblr, which could be a joke on Reddit”

one slip of the mouth opens floodgates of history (institutional identities / historical selves matter more than shared experiences, even in friendships. Also, I am racist in ways I will never know)

growing up gay is “bad for you in many of the same ways growing up in extreme poverty” is bad for you (effects are more than simply learning to manage one’s manners and mannerisms)

some rural LGBTQ people foster community where they live (rather than contribute to queer flight)

the disadvantages of race, class, and gender are multiplicative (not additive)

neo-liberals speak in tones of uncompromising/absolutist moral righteousness while neo-conservatives advocate for relativism (like, “woke” is the same in-or-out language of ye olde evangelicals and rural militias, and more evangelicals than ever say officials who behave immorally in private can still fulfill civic duties)

wtf but

life is brief but spectacular

the elders know

elders who talk comfortably and knowingly about death and any/everything

like Margaret Atwood, author of The Handmaid’s Tale. She doesn't anger easily but stays surprised and puzzled, and loves Legally Blonde and Miss Congeniality

Pulitzer/Nobel Prize winner Toni Morrison: “They have this thing, maybe you can explain it to me, where you have a little bathing suit on but you cannot expose a nipple… I don’t understand what they’re talking about. It’s the first thing you put in your mouth when you’re born”

Patricia Michelson builds the perfect cheeseboard (mild to strong: goat cheese for a fresh start; then earthy, mushroomy, rustic; hard greiere, nutty and fruity; pungent and metallic blue for the grand finale)

we can listen & learn!!!

about the world and ourselves

like, feeling loved, cared for, and welcomed in my community no matter my skill set is a HUGE way I experience privilege

and I want more people to have that with me

like, I tell people I value unspoken civil norms but evidence says I suck at some of the explicit spiritual ones, like forgiveness

“pettiness has to do with being out of scale…You are being petty when a small or seemingly irrelevant detail generates disproportionate irritation”

nobody’s/everybody’s family is going to change

charizomai forgiveness interventions

I must practice

when we say happiness is an “inside job,” we lie. We pay for experiences that include people to talk to, like personal training

true culture change strategists and reconciliation-aries do more than discuss the effect of Pepe memes on national polarization. #selfcare is collective care, and We the People protect each other

kneeling on turf and walking one inch higher above cracks in the sidewalks, the visible congregation of shared values empowers us

think of the successes

judges striking down Muslim Bans 1.0/2.0

scientists backing up NASA's earth science data

journalists working out like Ruth Bader Ginsburg: leg presses, chest flies, lat pull-downs, one-legged squats, push-ups, and planks

if not, watching PBS’ NewsHour like she does

picking one thing to be a leader on, one thing to be a follower on, and one thing to make a habit out of

draining the swamp… of Hollywood. In the same way we’re thinking about where our food comes from, we’re thinking about where our art comes from and who produced it, and changing casting couch culture (same for halls of power and legislation sources)

tracking each phase of the backlash wave

like

when R. Kelly shows you who he is in 1994, believe him 

in many ways we made a better country

women illustrators designed emoji alternatives to the red stiletto

student activists at the University of Washington protested until Nike let a watchdog group inspect factories overseas

the 1/4 immigrant Seattle Symphony gave a free concert featuring music from the seven Muslim-majority nations

which is to say 

when you roll into the carnival

anything can happen

Harvard gave their “Humanitarian of the Year” award to Robyn Rihanna Fenty, who ran her fingers up and down her ponytail (40:45) and talked about her grandma giving advice on sharing a dollar (45:43)

Lebron called the president a bum

Grenoble, France replaced over 300 outdoor advertisements with trees and community notices... Scotland produced wind power exceeding the country’s electricity needs... the Australian same-sex marriage bill got signed into law... Saudi Arabian women gained the right to drive cars on streets and watch soccer in stadiums

new research shows child slavery has declined by 40% in the last sixteen years, and parents are spending twice as much time with their kids as they did 50 years ago

Andrew Puzder (former executive of Hardee's and Carl's Jr. with a $1 million+ base salary who wanted to keep minimum wage under $9) withdrew his nomination for Secretary of Labor

Astros second baseman José Altuve

shimmied

who woulda predicted such goodness???

we promised to stay sharp and bloom despite the conditions

Marcos Ramírez and Margarita Garcia Asperas put up a mirror and built a banquet table into the border wall, holding a communal dinner at the table to create the illusion of people eating a cross-border meal

Michael and I said yes to love even when it was difficult, even when we were cranky. We went to the Days Inn in Bellingham to hang out and set relationship goals. I love and count on him so much

I looked at Angelica Kauffmann’s “Cornelia Pointing To Her Children As Her Treasure” from 1785. The lady gestures I SEE YOUR JEWELS AND RAISE YOU MY CHILDREN, putting people over pearls

now we

help neighbor kids find their way

change the electoral map with our long-game/con

use the YOU ARE NOT ALONE shower curtain as a parachute

make “second-tier superpower” U.S. better than first-tier superpower U.S. by adding “reputation for extravagant generosity” to our military might and GDP

work to protect those we love with our voices, our currency, our social capital, our sacred swords, our courageous kisses infected with friendly bacteria

follow international ethics standards at dinner

loop the A Wrinkle in Time trailer

stop by my apartment in the next few weeks

there used to be a crack in the wall you could slide a piece of paper through, but our property manager filled it with putty

Oprah wants warriors

and if you're serious about joining my Golden Girls community in 2050, you should get used to coming over

I am a hermit unafraid to end on a weird note so let me add

my brother and I helped my parents move across the state. My dad drove the UHaul and my brother and I drove different pickup trucks. My dad has beliefs about how trucks should be driven, so we didn’t go over 55 mph

in some ways, driving on the road next to my brother while not being in the same car as him provided necessary bonding

and add that to the fact that

The Honorable Representative Maxine Waters has great ❤ 4 U

José Altuve & Ari Shapiro have great ❤ 4 U

& I have great ❤ 4 U

we’ve got lots of ❤ and goodness going around

if all goes according to plan, the first time you eat Bisquick sausage balls this holiday season will be the fourth or fifth time they’ve been served

come kiss me on the lips!

D

this newsletter endorses: 

Michael’s quarterly Spotify playlists

The New York Times’ Still Processing podcast

Margo Price and Loretta Lynn and Tammy Wynette

Fergie on journaling in the midst of holy war

the homosexual on Star Trek: Discovery

Fifth Harmony’s purposeful pop

venison sausages

drag queens

hair nah

Superstore

SWOT analyses

Medicated Blistex in lil’ tubs

Sufjan Stevens’ “Tonya Harding (in D major)”

strolling Hallelujah Lane to visit the Apostles (twelve live oak trees)

oregano oil: an anti-inflammatory, anti-allergenic, antimicrobial, antibacterial, antiviral, and antifungal miracle… that fights infections, regulates menses, and calms hypersensitivities... AT ONCE

staying on fire

credits: much-needed endless hug GIF by Tuna Bora ■ person in bed with wine and laptop post “pizza-party” illustration by Kathryn Rust ■ anger channeler GIF (”How can we channel our outrage and grief?”) by Wilhelmina Peragine ■ “Rise Up!” GIF by Mighty Oak ■ the first three of which I found in my fave newsletter of the year, the Ann Friedman newsletter ■ Same for the one below, Barbed Holidays by A.L. Crego ■ Still Processing podcast rec from Heidi Lally ■ parachute shower curtain and aviator wings reality by Betty Wetter / Scotty Boom Boom Cayton ■ Profile pic by Jonathan Ursin ■ Brené Brown’s Rising Strong from Gian Bruno ■ Oregano oil from Brandon Dombrowsky