#when my friends found out one of them gave me a 'theatre kid in existential crisis' role on our friend group discord server

[astranauticus]

so i recently found out about my mothers villain origin story of hating all musicals and apparently it's because many years ago she (not a lot of english, mind, like functional/professional english at best) went on a business trip to london and for some reason her company paid for tickets to mama mia at (and i quote) 'one of those famous historical london theatres' and she fuckin hated the entire 3 hour experience like she couldn't understand what they were singing and she was bored out of her mind but the theatre was too bright for her to sleep through it like her exact thought when it ended was 'fucking hell its finally over' and ever since she's been firmly against the concept of musicals. anyway i'm obsessed with this story i think it's the funniest shit ever

[fluzzyneko-chan]

Reflecting on My Life

Today on Thursday, April 29th in the year of our lord 2021, I sit here procrastinating from doing my final few assignments by drifting down memory lane and thinking about my life. I am 100% a mess, however, I have come to a conclusion in my evaluation of my life. I have come a long way over the years I have lived in the state I live and I think it is pretty cool. prepare for a sort of essay as I dance over the past years of my life.          

        Elementary school years here were not the best, my mom knows all about how I was beaten up and bullied all of the 4th and 5th grade as well as how teachers never really helped much. I mean I was a weirdo and very ADHD active so I guess I don't 100% blame em but still. My 4th-grade teacher took my special binder I kept doodles in that I drew in class, locked it up in her cabinet, said I could have it back on the last day of the year(which was a long time away), then had a sub the last day of the year who DID NOT have the key, so I never got it back. The folder belonged to my older sister who didn't live with me at the time so it really hurt to not get it back. She also would not help me when I got bullied or when students would steal my things claiming it was there's. My 5th-grade teacher always has me separate from everyone either in the corner or right next to his desk. he would yell at me a lot and threw my notebook at me once and of course rumors followed into middle school twisting it to where classmates said he threw the textbook at me. He said he threw it in my direction and not at me. Sure Mr. Crider, suuuure.         

        Middle school was full of emotional bullying instead of physical and I was still isolated. By this time I was a little brat and I would smack myself upside the head if I could meet my past self. I would backtalk teachers and I am pretty sure I screamed at some before. I also would randomly burst into tears at various times, whether it be in class or at lunch. Eventually, my grades started slipping as a mixture of me just being done with everyone and everything, and I am sure me genuinely struggling. I was a brat and I hate to admit it, but I was a pretty sassy bad kid. I do remember the 7th (or 8th I can't remember) grade English teacher Mrs. Smith though was really nice. Unfortunately, my classmates were not at all nice to her, but I listened in her class. She was one of the teachers I don't think I was rude to. I think I was usually nice to the English, Science, and History teachers for the most part. People tried to group with me in her class because I knew the vocabulary words and understood the material and they wanted to cheat off of me. I didn't let them though because I saw it as my form of revenge. I read books a lot in middle school, because what else was I going to do? I didn't have friends. Mrs.Smith ordered new books for her classroom library because she knew I loved reading books and was one of the only kids to actually read them. I helped her put them up and we talked about me being in honors classes in high school, she is who encouraged me to sign up for honors English when I started high school. I wish I could have done more for her because my classmates made her cry a few times and it ticked me off every time they did because she didn't deserve it. Kids suck. In 8th grade one of the school delinquents defended me from a bully who pushed me up against the wall in history class to hit me before the teacher showed up and again when another kid at my assigned table wouldn't leave me alone and I moved from my table (without permission). She told me not to listen to the bullies and the school pegged me as a delinquent like her..most likely because I wore black sometimes and hung out with her. Even though in the long run she seemed to not be a great person, she was nice to me and helped me with bullies. In the 8th-grade year, I had a couple of friendly classmates but not people I would say were the best bosom buddies with me.       

        High school for me was the best four years of my life. I honestly flourished and became a whole new person in high school, and it was for the best. I finally got to meet new people that weren't the same kids who tormented me for the past five years and I finally got to make close friends. I was a nicer person and with the introduction of friends, had totally changed my outlook on the world. Yeah, I would occasionally have classes with old bullies but it didn't bother me as much. Teachers were nicer to me for once for the most part. The Geometry/Bridge teacher excluded from this. Lady people told me to kill myself in your class and you did nothing but make fun of my lisp when I got my retainer and call me stupid every time I asked questions! I enjoyed my classes and genuinely felt like life was good. Yeah, junior/senior year was stressful as we were preparing for graduation, but I still had a nice time. My honors English teacher from sophomore year, Mr.Parsons, was very relatable and made understanding material fun. I also had him for theatre too. My creative writing teacher Mrs.White was also lovely and I miss her too. I could write a whole other essay-like post on high school teachers and who all inspired me so I'll leave it there. Overall most people say they would never wish to go back to high school/do it over again, and though my time at Central wasn't perfect...I don't regret my time there. I wouldn't mind doing it over again. High school was when I started bettering myself. High school was when I started seeing the good things in the world. high school was when I started seeing myself as actually intelligent. High school was when I finally found the light at the end of the tunnel.  thank you high school for giving me a chance, and thank you teachers for encouraging me and treating me like a person. Yeah, I got in trouble a couple of times for being hyperactive or talking too much, but I never felt devalued or dehumanized.         

        Now I have been in college since the fall of 2016 and have had multiple existential breakdowns, however, looking back at where I started and where I am, I feel accomplished. There were so many points where my life could have taken a dreadful turn. There were many many dark points and lows in my life....but I am here. I overcame each and every hardship and came out as a good person. I owe it to the few middle school teachers who believed in me and gave me hope and I owe it to the high school that finally gave me supportive friends and amazing teachers. I think I am probably about to start rambling and repeating points, plus I should actually finish these assignments up haha. Just one more time, thank you, everyone.

[newsies-geek]

Newsies in Quarantine (Javid): Part 3

Idea from @dragonsrrad

***

Five days into Quarantine, and Davey was more than starting to miss going outside.

Don’t get things wrong, he loved the News Boys in a certain way- some more than others- but fresh air was nice too. There were some windows in the lobby of the theatre, but they were sealed shut to the walls by design. The curly-haired brunette found himself sitting by the windows more often than he should. The time he didn’t spend by the window was spent instead with helping out in the theatre when Medda asked. They had to pay for their place to stay and food to eat, after all- not that Medda would refuse to give them essentials if they didn’t work, but no News Boy was rude enough to turn down Medda when she asked for small favors like putting up backdrops and readjusting lights.

Currently, the boys found themselves re-painting the glaze on some of the old furniture pieces that they’d dragged onto stage, where their beds weren’t placed.

Les was helping Davey on an overturned chair while Race and Spot worked on a couch and Specs and Romeo- well, were currently getting lost in each other’s eyes, leaned against the table they should have been glossing.

“How much longer did theys says until wes can go outside?” Race huffed as he wiped sweat from his forehead, the stage lights producing the only light they could get directly on stage, but practically burning the boys up.

“Another week and a half.” David piped up with a sigh, dipping his paintbrush into his and Les’s bucket of gloss before going for the second layer on the chair leg he was working on.

“I can’t wait to see my girl again.” Les sighed as he slapped his paintbrush happily onto the chair’s other leg.

Davey paused a moment and lifted his eyebrows, looking at Les with shock and confusion, much as the other news boys were doing.

“Mouth Jr.’s got a gal?” Spot snorted in genuine surprise.

“Of course I do.” Les furrowed his brow with a frown as he turned to the other newsies, “Her name is Sallie- but she let’s me call her Miss.” He assumed a childish grin.

“And...how long has this been going on?” Davey cocked an eyebrow with a suspicious look.

Les look at him, shifting his his knees as he sat on his legs, “Feels like fifteen years, really.”

“You’re ten.” Dave deadpanned.

“Maybe fifteen months then.” Les shrugged and began to gloss the chair leg again.

“You’ve only been in your grade for five months.” Davey frowned before also returning to work.

“Hey, is the kid says fifteen years, then happy fifteenth anniversary to yous two.” Spot chuckled.

“I’m fifteen, I think I’d remember if-“ Davey paused as a choking noise came from Race.

“You’re fifteen?” Race gasped.

“Um...yes.” David frowned in confusion, smearing some more gloss onto the chair leg as he looked at Race.

“You ain’t Seventeen like Jack?” The blonde scoffed, Spot looking equally surprised.

David blinked a few times before snorting in amusement, “Jack isn’t seventeen.”

“Is too, I’s seen him older than I’s was- I didn’t suspect you bein’ my age though, mouth.” Spot sniffed.

“You’re- Jack isn’t- he doesn’t act like he’s older than me..” Davey began having an existential crisis in the matter of one conversation.

“What’s that mean?” Specs piped up.

“I-I don’t know- he’s just- he’s a dreamer...and once you get near Sixteen-“

“Thought you said yous was fifteen?” Race narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

Everyone but Les, who seemed unpaused by all this, had stopped glossing.

“I am but I’ll- I’ll be sixteen in a month or so.”

“See, sos you and Jack ain’t more than a year apart.” Race shrugged.

“Which I expected, just- the other way around.” Davey looked at the ground in confusion. Jack was older than him? That made him wiser as far as knowledge of life went...that just didn’t seem right.

“You think that makes him any more or less smarter?” Romeo leaned back into an upright position.

“We have different educations.” Davey shook his head dismissively as he took his paint brush again.

“He’s still ahead of ya’ though.” Race smirked cockily.

“By a few months.” Davey rolled his eyes, “That’s nothing.”

“Doesn’t sound like nothing.” Spot cooed.

“Oh, leave the kid alone.” Race chuckled as he reached over to gently punch Spot on the shoulder, but ended up smacking his arm with gloss.

“Why you- you spoiled me shirt!” Spot snapped, staggering to his feet and glaring at Race.

Racetrack looked genuinely guilty at first, “I’m sorry, I-“ He seemed to then remember he has a reputation and cleared his throat, getting to his feet, “Yeah, so?”

Spot balled his fists up before dunking one into his can on gloss and wiping a hand over Race’s face.

Race gasped and reached for his bucket, dunking both his hands in and lunging for Spot, missing and bouncing off the chair to run into Romeo, getting them both covered in gloss.

“Hey! Let him alone!” Specs hollered before taking his brush and throwing it at Race.

“Yous leave him alone! Only I get to throw gloss at Race!” Spot ran at Specs with gloss covered hands.

Les cheered and ran at them.

“Les! You- oh god-“ Davey groaned as his little brother had been covered from head to toe in gloss before he could say another word.

“Come on, David!” Les ran towards Davey.

Davey’s eyes went wide and he shook his head, booking it for the stage door as cackling could he heard behind him, the other Newsies catching on and chasing after him.

Before Davey could reach the stage door he felt two firm hands grasp his arms and pull him up until his feet left the ground.

Davey let out a gasp and as about to scream before the hands released his shoulders and cupped over his mouth as he landed on a thin, wooden plank.

Davey struggled and looked up to see who his kidnapper was before his heart lurched at the sight of Jack, making Davey all at once aware of the fact that the boy had him held tight against his body with a smug look on his face as he looked down at the other boys, barging into the stage door. That’s when he released his grip on Davey’s mouth and moved his hands to the boy’s hips, “Steady, we’s on a beam. Don’t want nobody falling.”

Davey felt his heart pound in his chest at the physical contact and he hated it.

He hated how having been stuck with Jack for several days now, his feelings for the boy had surfaced more and more.

Before the shelter-in-place rule had been set, Davey had been sure he could eventually get over the little flutters his heart gave when Jack touched his shoulder or stood up for him, he was sure that only seeing him a few hours a day would give his heart the rest of the day to convince himself that these instances of free-falling feelings around Jack were foolish and- and god it felt so nice to have such a secure grip around him right now like Jack was genuinely concerned that Davey might fall. It was so difficult for Davey to turn off his emotions- but with his heart rate increasing, and hope that would most likely lead nowhere, he knew, began to rise, he had to gently push Jack’s hands off of his waist.

Things like this didn’t happen. Boys didn’t...Jack certainly didn’t like boys the way that Davey had found himself thinking about them lately- and Jack defiantly didn’t seem to look at Davey the way Davey looked at Jack.

He was spending too much time thinking about this as it was. Jack was his friend and- had just pulled him up and held him because that’s what a good buddy does, keeps you from falling.

Totally normal and...

And Jack’s hands now wrapped around Davey’s waist entirely.

“Sh, your breathing is rattling the beam, they’s’ll hear you- and I don’t want the boys findin’ out about my special area.” Jack chuckled, his breath tickling the back of Davey’s neck and making the boy shutter.

When had these feelings started? Not the feelings that Jack had made him feel immediately- not the fact that Davey could recognize that yes, Jack was attractive and, yes, he enjoyed being around him- but these distinct feelings of...of longing. Of needing the other boy in a way that was most definitely not heterosexual.

These feelings that he wanted Jack’s arms around his waist to hold him tighter. These feelings that made Davey decide to lean back, so his head fit nicely under Jack’s chin.

He shouldn’t be doing this, especially having just convinced himself of that- but...well, if he was going to he stuck in this position anyway..

It was the feeling of Jack fully resting his head on top of Davey’s head that made the lengthy teen conceal a squeal of excitement-

What-

What was he, a teenag-

Oh, wait, yes, he was. And Jack-

“So...you’re seventeen?” Davey whispered.

“You says that like you is surprised.” Jack chuckled, and Davey could feel the vibrations of it on his shoulders, a feeling of contentment.

“I am.” Davey smiled slightly.

“Just by some months or so.” Jack shrugged, “No biggie.”

“It is when it comes to...to knowledge- few months or not, you’d be a year above me in school.” Davey mused quietly.

“That a problem?” Jack snorted, hiding the insecurity that suddenly gripped him.

“Not at all.” Davey would shake his head if it hadn’t for so perfectly against Jack’s chin, “Well- okay- it’s just-“

“You’re not used to not being the smartest one in the room, Dave?” Jack laughed quietly.

“Maybe..” Davey whispered quietly.

Jack seemed to shift in surprise, “Dave, I don’t got the same edjeecation as you.”

“But you’re street smart. You’ve been here for-“

“Like maybe eight months more than you. As an infant, Dave.”

“It’s just...I don’t know, I feel...smaller..which is different around you guys.”

“You feel bigger around the newsies?” Jack almost sounded surprised, “What? Because we’re smaller..?” Jack’s grip around Davey’s waist faltered and Davey instinctually gripped both of Jack’s hands to steady himself.

“N-No- it’s just- you guys actually listen to me- and what’s going to keep you listening if you don’t have my respect? Age isn’t just a symbol of education, Jack, it’s a symbol of respect, and even just a few months-“

“So yous sayin that you didn’t respect me when you thought I was your age?” Jack scoffed, hands tightened.

“No, Jack, I- no, it’s just-“

“No, Dave, I get it- people likes you know the way of- of higheearchies more than we’s do.” Jack began to stand up, pulling Davey up with him before letting go of the boy and allowing him to cling to the handlebars that were attached by loose chains up above, making them both wobble, except Jack was used to it.

“Th-That’s not what I meant-“

“Your status is higher than mine and you ain’t used to being lower than me.” Jack rolled his eyes.

Davey wished desperately to have the courage to move his feet and turn to face Jack, “Don’t twist my words-“

“I don’t have to! You said them!” Jack threw his hands up in the air.

“Calm down, or-“

“I am Calm.” Jack scowled.

“You’re really not, and Jack I respect you plenty-“

“Oh do you?” The long-haired blonde rolled his eyes in disbelief, “You know, Dave-“

“No, I don’t know, Jack, because you’re not giving me a second to wrap my head around what you’re saying.” Dave clutched the railings tighter as he became acutely aware of the drop below.

“You-“

“I respect you more than any other person I know, Jack Kelly, because you’re a genuinely good person who would turn down an offer to have a life far beyond what he currently has just because he loves and cares for these boys like they’re your family. That’s a more respectful thing than I or anyone I know has ever done so don’t accuse me of not respecting you- I-I’m just- not sure how I feel about feeling belittled- which isn’t- Christ- I realize it isn’t fair to you but this feeling is new, Jack, and little things are bothering me because I need air, I’m done with being inside, I just-“ there were hands around Davey’s waist and next thing he knew he was being pulled backwards.

“Work with me, Dave, I cant drag you across a plank being held up by chains.” Jack murmured.

Davey swallowed dryly and gently began to step back, stepping almost on Jack’s toes a few times before he felt warmth on his face as Jack reached up and pulled back a piece of fabric from a skylight. Davey’s eyes widened and his mouth opened slightly in awe, “Wow..”

“That’s not it.” Jack moved his hands to Davey’s shoulders and then pushed up on the window of the skylight. It opened with a pop as Jack pushed it all the way back. He moved to where Davey was and jumped up, his elbows landing on the roof as he pulled himself up, meanwhile Davey clung to the railings as the whole plank shook with Jack’s jump.

“J-Jack, I’m going to fall-“ Davey couldn’t get his eyes off the ground.

“Look up.” Jack called softly.

Davey shook his head, “I can’t-“

“Geez, Dave, making this hard on me, just, don’t focus on the ground-“

“Easier said than done.” Dave squeaked, estimating how far the drop was and if he’d survive or not. He kept his eyes trained on the ground for several second before he felt something soft touch his cheek. He looked up for a brief second to see Jack’s hand, palm towards his face, his hand, gently brush against Dave’a cheek.

“Take my hand.” Jack offered, “I’ll pull you up.”

Davey tightened his grip on the railings for a moment.

“Christ, Dave, don’t make me pull you up by your shirt collar.” Jack rolled his eyes with a smirk.

Davey couldn’t say he wouldn’t mind that.

Jack reached down far enough to grab Davey’s forearm before pulled at it.

Davey began to resist but Jack was stronger than him, and was soon able to pry his hand look and take the brunette’s hand, “Now the other one.”

Davey began to stagger, no longer balanced. A look of horror passed over Dave’s features and then Jack as the brunette lost his footing, and the weight of Davey’s arm suddenly became his whole body.

“JACK-“ Davey practically yelled.

Jack’s whole upper body slid through the skylight as he quickly wrapped his other arm around Davey’s waist and began to pull up, “Grab- the roof- quickly-“ He ordered as he pulled Davey up.

The brunette was quick to get his hands onto the roof, smooth as concrete, as he pushed himself through it, quickly moving to grab the back of Jack’s vest and pulling the boy towards him.

“Oh shit-“ Davey cursed as he held Jack close to his chest, trembling.

“I-I respect ya’ a lot for that, Dave. Thanks.” Jack wheezed.

“N-No problem.” Davey whispered out, not willing to admit that his heart was still pounding at the thought of Jack falling through the sky light.

Unaware that Jack’s heart was going through the same trauma after seeing Davey dangle from the plank of wood.

The boys simply sat in a tangle of arms and legs for several minute to recover before Jack sat back, “I-I mean it though, I respect ya’, Dave- I may have come around in the end but...you...you never lost yourself in the first place.”

“Lost myself? How’d you think I felt when you left us?” Davey smiled bittersweetly.

Jack pushed Davey’s head away gently, “You sap.”

“I’m sorry I got all insecure back there, um, won’t happen again.” Davey chuckled awkwardly as he stood up shakily.

“Don’t apologize for feelings, Dave, they’re the best thing that we’ve got.”

“You’re right though, you’re only- eight months ahead- I just..like believing I’m a mature person, but-“

“You thought I was more mature than you by my age?” Jack wheezed, “Dave I spend my time painting places I’ve never seen! A-And the other half starting strikes that I can’t handle alone and you think I’m mature?”

“Of course you are.” Davey responded honestly, “You just proved it- you acknowledged the way I felt and- and didn’t shut it down, that’s pretty mature.”

“Yeah, right after I threw a tantrum about yous not respectin’ me.” Jack snorted.

“Which was after me freaking out in the first place because I finally understand why you’ve got so much muscle, it suits you for having eight more months to work out than me.” Davey joked.

Jack blushed, “Yous...think I got muscle?”

Davey seemed to hear what he’d said moments too late and belatedly slapped a hand over his mouth, “uM-“

“Don’t he so down on yourself, you’ve got some meat on your bones.” Jack chuckled, changing the subject, much to Davey’s relief, “Now enjoy that air you wanted.”

It seemed to click in Davey’s mind finally that they were outside. He began to look around as though the New York skyline was now new.

And seeing Jack as a part of its beauty...perhaps it was.

***

Part 1: https://pawsu-productions.tumblr.com/post/615195930647511040/newsies-in-quarantine-javid-part-1

Part 2: https://pawsu-productions.tumblr.com/post/615272010026827776/newsies-in-quarantine-javid-part-2

[whispersinthewires]

January 17th, 2018

today, the first goodbye cheyenne single dropped. i did the cover art for it, and i couldn’t be more excited for them. they’ve been chill to work with, and i probably won’t have a lot of clients as supportive as they are. i hope to be that one day. supportive of other artists. i’ve been the individual forever. i’ve measured all interactions with others as ways to gain social capital. it was stupid. i thought that i was much more important than i am. i thought that my voice was unique, or that it mattered. it wasn’t. i’d be deluding myself if i said that it did now. nothing’s really changed, but i really want to start just vibing better with the other artists in our area.

i really wish that i had more time and energy to get to shows. i wish that i could see at least a show a month, but i’ve just been so busy. busy or tired. usually both. i just want enough staff that i’d be able to disappear for a day or two without the place falling apart. i’ll get there soon enough. gotta talk to andy about hiring two more cashiers instead of just the one. the issue is finding hours for everyone. there are barely enough hours as it is. maybe if i said that they were training, and threw them on shifts with other cashiers until they got the hang of it. by then, we’d probably be saying goodbye to chase and brynn anyway. that’s going to be a sad day. not so much for the loss of chase, but definitely for brynn. nothing is wrong with chase, but he’s doing this because it’s a job, and brynn is probably the best employee i’ll ever have. losing her will be a rough couple of months. i’m glad she’s here to help me transition, at least. i wouldn’t have taken the job without her here. 

i’m always scared that i’m not doing enough. that i’m not doing enough work for rebecca, or enough work for the theatre. that i’m not spending enough time with my friends, or my family, or my pets, or my school work. i’m sure that everyone feels this way. i’ve segued from being a part time worker to working two jobs and going to school, and i’m proud of myself. everyone says they’re proud of me, but i don’t know that i feel that. i’m doing what everyone else does, it just took me longer to get there. my dad thought that i was on some retard level and that i’d be living at home forever. he also thought that i’d move with him to pittsburgh. imagine what kind of person i’d have been with him and mama gone. i’d be in a rough spot, but the last two years would definitely have gone differently. i’d probably have lived in my car for a while. used ryan’s house or autumn’s to shower or whatever, but i think i’d have fallen apart. i managed though. i got by and became... stronger isn’t the right word. if you’re hit enough, you don’t become stronger, but you grow a strong enough callus that you stop feeling it. that’s exactly what i was. i was drinking, smoking, and lashing out at the world because i was inoculating myself to the pain that i’d been experiencing existentially. 

as of now, I’m trying to think of myself as an adult. i’m twenty-three years old, something that i have to keep reminding myself about, and that’s the kind of thing that i have to keep in mind before i act. i still think of myself as the kid i was before i was depressed. was that ever? am i trying to harken back to a time that didn’t happen? i was definitely less depressed before middle school. i’ve been through a lot. i’ve overcome a lot of obstacles, and i’m getting stronger for it. i’m not sure what i’m supposed to do though. i’ve never expected to live this long. i mean, the goal was always 27, something that i’m definitely going to exceed now, but i’d been living under the illusion that i’d be on top of the world by now. as if i had any sort of talent or vision that would have taken me straight to the top. i guess that’s what happens when you grow up being told you’re much more special than you are. i thought i’d at least be at a point by now that i wouldn’t have to worry about money by now, but here we are. always worried. that raise came just in time, i guess. i hope i can start earning enough to start paying for my own car insurance and phone plan. i don’t want my dad’s help anymore. i guess i never really did, but i’m too old for it now. i don’t want to depend on anyone. my happiness will only come from independence or some sort of self-actualization. if it comes at all. i don’t know that happiness is a thing that i’ll ever have for long. contentment, sure, but happy? that’s hard. that’s something that you have to earn, and even then it’s fleeting. that’s okay though. i’m not upset about that. i was born with the deck stacked against me, and i spend my whole life making up for a mistake that they made.

i wish that my mom had better than me. i wish that my dad had his second kid. the one he wanted. the one that would have been six by now. i forget whether or not i posted this in another of these journals, because i refuse to read them again (not right now, at least) but i wonder how things would have gone there. would they have been able to love that kid the way a kid should have been loved? i’m not sure. maybe. angie drank it to death, so neglect seems likely. i think she’d care for him though. even if he was born retarded, which was super likely. dad though. i’m not sure. i’d be very interested in what he did with a second chance. that’s exactly what it would be too - a chance to make his legacy anything but me. he sees too much of my mother in me, and too much rebellion in me. too much weird. he would have been much happier with a pet, if he could have found a better one when he was growing up. it’s amazing how much one bad dog would spoil an entire species for him. but that’s all he was looking for - something to obey him and love him unconditionally. something that wouldn’t talk back to him, and something that he could keep under control. i’m the opposite. i’d always hoped that the kid would be born, and would be worse than me. more rebellious. more destructive. heroin maybe? i don’t know, enough for him to realize how good he had it. to realize that he should have treated me better. 

my issue, though, is that i’ve spent my whole life trying to prove something to him. i don’t even know what, but i’m always looking for something that he hasn’t given me. i’m not sure if it’s something real, or something that i made up years ago, but i’ve always been missing something. i think he loves me as much as he can love me, but it doesn’t feel like he loves me as much as he’s capable of loving someone. when he says he’s proud of me, it doesn’t feel like anything. it feels empty. i need to stop comparing him to my mom, though. that said, when i show my mom my art, she tells me how much she likes it, and i believe her. she asked for a gift of prints of my work. she likes it. this isn’t participation trophy bullshit either. that’s always been a fear of mine. every single achievement in my life has felt hollow, because parents are supposed to say that. i show it to my dad, and that connection isn’t there. he thinks i’m good at stuff. he got me that job working on code for dave, which i was largely under-qualified for when i started. but then any time he asks how it’s going, he tells me how everything dave draws is the same. like it’s not fucking impressive that the dude makes a living drawing naked women. that’s no small feat. of course, i’m amazed they’re friends at all. i see a lot of myself in dave, and it’s all the parts of me that dad doesn’t embrace. 

i looked up parental gaslighting, and that’s definitely something that i went through. that’s how i ended up the person i am. not trusting anything. ever. if things go well i become afraid that something horrible is about to happen. that’s not normal. that’s not something that the average person feels. that’s what broken people do. i wasn’t born broken, but they spent a lifetime of hard work making me this way. 

ryan started a political movement the other day, and i gave it a name. the unbroken left. i want a united front against fascists. i want an uncompromising movement for the betterment of society. i want to focus on human rights. i want to stand strong. i wish i had time to protest. i wish i had the courage to riot. i don’t. things are going just well enough that anything high profile would fuck me over completely. i’m still excited to be a part of this, though. even if it’s just administrative, or behind a computer, that’s fine. as long as i’m doing my part, things will be okay. 

voidcaller has been going well, but not as quickly as i’d like. every fiber of me wants to start sharing it with people. every time i’m proud of something, i look to everyone else for validation. i’ll never get it. i just want to play some shows. meet some interesting people. i’m still young, and i act like i’m ancient. i want to do more while i still can. i have to figure it out. still, a set is what? seven songs? we’re nearly halfway there, and we’re getting better every time. 

the nsa bumped up security today, so i’m sure some of my posts on some level are showing up on some intern’s desk, and i promise you daniel, i’m not going to do anything. i’m hurt, but i’m not going to hurt anyone else. i’m just... i’m trying to figure it all out. i’m sure you can relate. 

[cosmicmapping-blog]

Thoughts on The Last Jedi (Spoilers)

Yesterday, After two weeks of narrowly avoiding several spoilers in the form of MovieWeb articles and obnoxious Twitter posts, I finally got the chance to check out the latest installment and 8th episode of the Star Wars saga, The Last Jedi.

I had my apprehensions about the film going in. The “Porg” creatures seen in the trailers and marketing immediately reminded me of soulless capitalistic entities such as Minions created exclusively for maximizing profit scared me that Disney might be heading down the wrong path with the franchise. Although, knowing Breaking Bad director Rian Johnson was at the helm of this film always gave me excitement and hope that this film would end up being a worthy addition to the Star Wars mythos. I mean, Come on now. A Star Wars movie directed by the guy who was responsible for some of the best episodes of BREAKING BAD. This had to have been good. Different, But good. At let me tell you... He did not disappoint.

What I love about this movie is that it TAKES RISKS. Sure, It has some dumb moments clearly shoe-horned in for toddlers, But Ech. They never jump the shark with these moments and everything still feels like it belongs in the Star Wars universe. And the Porgs ended up being FAR less annoying than I thought they’d be. I actually kind of enjoyed them while they were just moseying around on Ahch-To. It added life to the universe and felt proper. Although, Once they started boarding the Millennium Falcon, chewing the wiring and messing with Chewbacca, The “Minionness” of the Porgs really started to show and slightly took away from the immersion of the movie. I also find it sad that Chewbacca’s role in the movie was almost exclusively tied to these scenes with the Porgs.

Anyways, Let’s get into the nitty-gritty.

This film was considerably darker than The Force Awakens, But it doesn’t rely on its darkness as a gimmick. Many Shows/Movies today just love to wear their darker nature like a parade float and march down the streets yelling “Look at me! look at me! We killed off a bunch of dudes for no reason, Aren’t we so hip and edgy!” Shows like The Walking Dead or Game of Thrones (While both being two of my favorite shows) Have done this in the past. Instead of using dark writing as a tool to lift the narrative itself and tell meaningful stories, They’ll just do something dark and edgy to get on Twitter trending for a few days and up their ratings. Season 5 of Game of Thrones is a great example of this. Now I am NOT AT ALL saying dark storytelling is a bad or lazy thing, Not at all. I absolutely love dark storytelling. I use it in my own videos all the time, And I believe it’s an absolutely wonderful way to generate emotion and build connections between the Audience and the story. Although, If it’s nothing but darkness, What’s the point of watching?... It’s the same thing for overly-happy meaningless drivel. If there’s no conflict, Why be invested?... And if there’s no resolution, Just endless sadness, Why be invested?... Anyways, I’m getting off topic.

Here are a couple bullet points and moments that really stood out for me:

1: Yoda’s scene

The appearance of Yoda was truly an unexpected and wonderful move. Yoda appears essentially to bring Luke out of his nihilist fervor, And into the light once more. By destroying the first Jedi temple, Which was just a beautiful move. Yoda doesn’t show up just to tell Luke to “Believe in himself” or to “Hold on to the light” He agrees with Luke and straight up says “You’re right, Fuck the past” And sets the tree ablaze. Which is so surprising given Yoda spent half the movies trying to preserve the Jedi order, Making this even more meaningful. Instead, What he shows Luke isn’t some corny message about the light or whatever. It’s about moving on. Leaving the past in the past and setting out towards a brighter future, Even if it means burning it all down. And as Luke & Yoda sat there, Watching the tree burn, I dought there was a dry eye in the theater. The full-circle moment shared between not a master and his Padawan, But now two equal Jedi-Masters was completely heart-wrenching. The line “Oh I have missed you, Young Skywalker” Particularly got to me. One tiny thing though, I didn’t particularly care for Yoda’s puppet... I wish they either went with the CGI model from Revenge of The Sith, Or made a version more accurate to the original Empire Strikes Back puppet.

2: The silent Light-speed cruiser into Snoke’s ship.

This was an absolutely stunning scene. First of all, The very notion of this scene is crazy on its own. There was always something about the cruiser ships in Star Wars that fascinated me as a kid. Their stunning grandeur, A city in the sky. And knowing these weren’t just hunks of metal floating in space, No. These were ships. Thousands of rooms in each section of the ship, Thousands of people living their lives. Bedrooms, Theatres, Lavatories, The control rooms. All within the confines of this existentially massive tomb. It was always just so interesting to me. The idea of one of these things slamming into the other at light speed is totally something out of “Wouldn’t it be crazy if they did this” conversation, AND THEY DID IT. When the tension is building, Things are looking bleakest for the Resistance as their entire movement are sitting ducks to The First Order’s cannons, The streak of light goes through Snoke’s ship and you’re left with nothing but silence accompanying the visuals of the incomprehensibly massive shockwave destroying The First Order’s fleet and restoring hope to the resistance, It’s an absolutely transcendent feeling.

3: Leia’s space scene.

I thought this was it for Leia. When the bombs hit the deck I automatically assumed I had witnessed the death of one of the most iconic characters in Film history, And I couldn’t help but feel showing her floating corpse drifting through the void of space was a tad much... Then it happened. Through The Force, Her own energy, Or god knows what. She came back to consciousness and flew through the void back to the ship. This was totally out of nowhere and probably the scene most people are split on. Some think it’s completely unfounded, Makes no sense, And jumps the shark entirely. Others believe it worked perfectly to stun the audience and build the narrative. I like to believe it worked well, But unfortunately, we’re never going to see the end of this new narrative... It’s been said by the production team that Episode Nine was going to be Leia’s movie. The plot would have been very focused around Leia what most likely whatever these new found abilities happened to be. Although, Due to Carrie Fisher’s incredibly depressing untimely passing, This will never happen. Leaving us to wonder what exactly could have been.

4: Captain Phasma.

This is a tricky one. What exactly are they trying to do with this character?... I remember back in 2015 during all the hype for The Force Awakens, Captain Phasma was completely over marketed. She was shown in nearly all promotional material for the movie, Making us believe she was going to be a massive part of this new trilogy. Eventually, she ended up getting barely any screen time in The Force Awakens, And hardly a few cameos in The Last Jedi. And now she’s dead. I really don’t understand... There was potential for this character. Gwendoline Christie has proven in the past to be an absolutely amazing actress when given good material to work with, But this... I really just don’t understand why Phasma was even in these movies. We already had very strong villains with Kylo Ren, Snoke, And General Hux. There really wasn’t a need for Phasma. Gwendoline Christie should have been given a different role entirely. Overall, Phasma’s place in the story was completely superficial and just feels like a ploy for merchandise. Almost an adult version of Porgs.

5: Luke Skywalker

Well... That’s it, Huh? Luke’s arc in this movie was a complete roller coaster of emotions. Writing this must have been a challenge unlike anything many of us will face in our lifetimes. The team behind The Last Jedi were responsible for tying up the character arc for LUKE SKYWALKER. One of the most culturally important figures in modern history, The modern day Hercules! And I gotta say, it was truly beautiful. Luke went from cynical and jaded from his years of shame and exile caused by his own mistakes, To back to being the hopeful wisecracking galaxy-saving superhero we remember from the original trilogy. Luke tied up his duties in the mortal realm brilliantly, Projecting himself lightyears away to face Kylo Ren and bring closure to his friends and family. I teared up when he winked at C3-PO. It was amazing. And then we sat there, Luke having restored hope, Brought closure, And paved the way for the new generation, The entire theater watched Luke Skywalker become one with the force, As Yoda did before him. Luke Skywalker, Has Died. And not to instill any type of forced sadness in the audience, Or to play with our emotions unjustly. But to bring closure to a man who desperately deserved it.

Rian Johnson is truly a visionary. This film took risks, And they all paid off. This film doesn’t seek to bring you easy laughs or joyous romps. Neither does it seek to destroy you and leave you with a broken heart, No. This film takes you across all ranges of the Human emotional spectrum. It embodies so much of what makes things like Undertale so wonderous. This film is about hope, And holding on to that hope in even the direst and most existentially horrific situations. There will always be a way. As Leia said, “Hope is like the sun. If you only believe it when you see it you’ll never make it through the night.”

The Last Jedi is one of the best movies in the franchise. And I feel humbled to have been alive during its release.