#when it came out in 2015 my dad came home from work one day with the good dinosaur and inside out mp4s on his phone

[niadotcom]

going to see inside out 2 with friends tomorrow im so excitedd

[yelenabelovasbxtch]

Crush On An Archer PT.1

a/n: Hey! Omg long time no see! I kinda maybe lost interest in writing for a bit there but tbh I think I'm back. No promises because I don't want to promise and then break your hearts but also I realllyyyy enjoyed writing this and I hope you all enjoy reading it! Will def be making a part two in coming days so stay tuned. LMK if you want to be added to the taglist, I am going to put some tags of past taglists below just in case they are interested in reading :) ALSO! Special shout out to @scmg11 because their writing is honestly what made me wanna get back into it. So,,I hope you enjoy!

Kate X Fem!Reader

Concept: Reader has a crush on Kate (school/Uni setting) and she doesn't know how to tell her.

Warning: Cussing, mentions of smut, IM TRYING TO WRITE SLOW BURN BUT BEAR WITH ME ITS NEW!

Word Count: 2.7k

You’re a month into your summer vacation and things couldn’t be more…boring. You love and appreciate your parents dearly for putting out the money so that you could attend a prestigious school in New York with a kick ass archery team but does it ever suck to be this far from all your friends for four months. To make the situation work, your dad had to transfer jobs to another state that pulls in a little more money annually with slightly more affordable housing but that means you aren’t even near the people you grew up around. Rural Mississippi is a fairly big step from living in Boston. Boston at least had people, out here it’s like you’re lucky if you get to meet a neighbour because the land has us all so far apart. In all honesty, although it’s boring, you really have one specific reason for being so bummed out. Towards the end of your last semester, you got started getting closer with one of the girls a year younger on your team, Kate. Typically the older girls competed and practised together and the younger girls did the same. Although you two were only a year apart it’s just how things worked out, so you didn’t cross paths very often. However, one day you were walking home from class, stopped to get coffee and basically bumped into her. The meeting was really brief but it was enough to make you catch feelings almost instantly. 

Your interest in her grew as you followed her on Instagram and she followed back. Obviously you took a peak at her page and scrolled to the bottom laughing at the really cringey posts from 2015 she had still up. All you wanted to do was talk to her again but you didn’t know how, although she was a year younger than you she intimidated you so much. Her deep blue eyes were honestly enough to make you stutter whenever you had the chance to talk to her. A month had gone by already and you could not wait to get back to school so you could see her again. Luckily, coach has yearly “team-building” days before the season starts and they’re about half way through the summer so hopefully you can talk to her before then and maybe convince her to hang out when you come back to school. 

Over the next week or so you liked a few story posts that she’d upload every now and again but the day finally came where you felt like you could swipe up and respond to it…y’know…maybe spark a little conversation. 

“Damn Bishop, is this a new bow?” In response to a story post of her showing off some of her off season training. 

“Haha yeah it is, flips out and everything…it's really freakin’ cool.” She replied almost instantly and that made a giant warm smile come across your face. 

Shit– what do you say back? Your main goal was honestly to keep the convo going so you could subtly mention down the line hanging out with her. 

“Yeah that’s sick, wow I’d kill to try something like that out.”

“Well next time I see you, please by all means give it a shot” She replies back.

“Might just have to take you up on that. How’s your summer going anyways?”

“It’s alright, kind of boring though. All my friends from school move back home and I am working for my mom’s company over the summer so it all is just kind of dull. I miss going out and having fun. Wbu?”

“Yeah, I hear that. I am SO bored here. I would kill to fast forward to the fall, I miss being at school honestly. There’s only so much I can do by myself here during the summer.”

“Ugh right! I want it to be school again too but don’t get me wrong, I love the summer, the weather is great here recently and the nightlife is amazing too. I just have nobody to go with, you know.”

“Yeah I get it. Trust me, if I could be there to go out with you I would, there is definitely no nightlife here haha.”

Shit. That wasn’t too forward was it? She is taking a while to respond to you. She hasn’t even opened the message yet. 

*4 minutes later*

“Well, you’re going to be around for that team-building thing coach has us doing in a couple of weeks right?”

“Yeah, I should be.”

“Well, we can go out then if you want? Me and a few friends had plans but they’re all on the team and I’m sure they’d love to have you there too.”

“Yeah, that sounds great I’d love to!”

The conversation pretty much ended there and your contact with her was fairly limited, just a small comment here or there until you finally got to fly back to school for summer training. You settle back into the apartment you left a couple months ago, everything is still a mess where you left it but the kitchen and living room are even filthier since you are not around to clean up much after your roommates. You decided to wait until your team practice to talk to Kate about hanging out again. You didn’t want to come on too strong but also a small part of you feels like she forgot what she said months ago and you won’t end up seeing her, not outside of team stuff at least. 

You grabbed your gear and headed to the field where practice was being held. You saw some of your friends from last year and decided to catch up with them before coach pulled you all in to start practice. You were trying your best not to make it obvious but your eyes were tracking all around you looking for Kate but she was nowhere to be seen. 

*Whistle* “Okay team! Let’s bring it in. First, I just want to say thank you to everyone for making the effort to come back to campus for this, meeting I–”

“SORRY SORRY SORRY!” You hear the coach interrupted as footsteps are fast approaching the circle of archers. 

“Hi Kate.” Says coach.

“I am SO sorry. My driver was running late and then there was traffic because of a giant accident, I think there was some battle in the streets again, I don’t know, either way, my bad coach, won’t happen again…I promise.” She says with the most adorable grin that is absolutely saying she will be late again. 

“It’s alright Kate, it happens, I was just telling the team how thankful I am that everyone could make the trip back to campus for this.” Coach went on to talk about the drills you were doing for the day and man was it hard to not be in awe watching her. You tried your best not to stare all day because the last thing you wanted to do was make it obvious but fuck it felt impossible. The day came to an end and you packed up your gear, Kate was talking with the other seniors on the team as they were gathering their things and started to head out. You could feel your window closing to talk to her but interrupting her conversation with her friends and “inviting” yourself out with them just felt too weird and uncomfortable. If it wasn’t meant to be then it wasn’t meant to be but you would kill to be able to just spend an hour with her. 

You watched as she started to walk away towards the parking lot with her friends when all of a sudden she motioned for them to hold on a minute and she turned around and jogged over to you. 

“Hey y/n! Sorry we didn’t get to catch up much during practice, I saw your shooting though it’s looking good.” 

Yeah…your face is bright red. Control your shit. 

“Anyways, me and a couple friends are going out later tonight to a party that one of their friends is hosting. It’s like a Hawaiian beach summer nights themed type of party so if you have something like that to wear, that would be great.”

“Yeah, I might have something, I’ll take a look when I get home.” 

“Cool! I’ll text you the address once I get it off my friend and I’ll see you there?”

“Yeah, sounds good!” 

“Here, why don’t you put your number into my phone, I don’t like using DM’s that much.”

You take Kate’s phone out of her hand and fill out a contact for yourself, praying that she can’t hear your heart beating out of your chest. 

“Cool, thanks, I’ll send you a text in a bit.” She says with a smile and then runs off to re-join her friends. 

It seems silly sitting by your phone and literally watching the minutes tick by waiting for her to text you but that’s all  you could do. The anticipation felt like it was killing you. 

Your phone finally buzzed with a mystery number attached, “Hey y/n! It’s Kate. So…slight change of plans.”

Fuck. Is she bailing? Your eyes were glued on the three dots as she typed and you watched as they disappeared and reappeared. 

“Turns out the party is actually around the corner from my place so if you wanted to just come here first, we could pre-game and shit and then walk over together? My friends said they were going out to get their hair done so they’ll be running late.”

“Hey Kate, yeah no problem that works for me just send me your address and lmk what time you want me there.”

Kate dropped a pin of her location to you with the text attached telling you to come over at 7pm. 

7pm rolled around and you were already there outside but you kind of felt like you should wait another minute or two so you weren’t RIGHT on time. Or is it weird to be a minute late? But wouldn’t being on time be weirder? Whatever, you decided to just wait a minute and then knock on her door. 

Knocking on her door was the most nerve wracking thing you ever did, you were genuinely shitting bricks. 

“HEY! Come in come in!” Kate eagerly yells at you as she swings the door open. She’s wearing shorts with a bright purple bikini top and a button down Hawaiian shirt over top that doesn’t have a single button done up. Are you starring? Yes. Probably? Absolutely you are. 

“Make yourself at home, feel free to grab a drink from the fridge, my roommates are out of town and left all their alcohol so help yourself.” She said with a laugh. 

You heard that right? Her roommates are out of town. Just the two of you…you never know. 

You grabbed a drink from the fridge and took a seat on the couch next to her and yeah…the drink started going down faster than usual because of all the nerves in your stomach. The two of you made small talk for awhile but the conversation started flowing a little more naturally about 2 drinks in. Were you still kind of awkward as hell? Yeah…a little. But at least you warmed up to her a bit and weren’t acting so weird. About an hour later, her friends showed up and grabbed you guys to head over to the party. Honestly, things were going so well with just the two of you that you didn’t even want to go to this party but if it meant you got to spend more time with her then there you were. You got to the party and you honestly knew practically nobody. You weren’t exactly a social butterfly but Kate clearly was. She was talking to EVERYBODY. The boys at the party especially loved her. There was lots of laughing and flirting going on, you could feel the jealousy building but acting out was definitely not an option. You ended up socialising with a few of the other people at the party but for most of the night you stuck by Kate’s side, the two of you got pretty drunk together, pouring shots for one another and dancing in the pit of people to extremely loud music. There was a point where it felt like it was just you and her and nobody else was there while the music was blasting into your ears and the two of you were jumping together to the beat and singing out the lyrics to whatever song was on at the time. Kate got really close to you until some guy would come and pull her away in an attempt to make a move on her. Although, it never actually happened. Kate always ended up finding her way back to you. At one point she grabbed your hand and pulled you into the middle of the crowd as the two of you sang (screamed) the lyrics to “love story” into each other's faces. The party, as all do, started to simmer down. You guys actually ended up being some of the last people at the party, you stuck around to the point where the music was gone and most people were just sitting around chatting halfway sober. 

“Hey, I think I’m going to go home, I am super tired right now.” Kate says to you. 

“Okay, I’ll walk with you, I left my bag at your place anyways so I have to grab it.” 

“Right, sounds good.” 

Although the two of you had been singing and dancing for hours, she looked just as perfect as when you left and you were trying your hardest not to stare at her while the two of you were walking side-by-side. 

The walk back to her place was pretty quick, when the two of you got inside you went to grab your bag and get your things together. You were desperately trying to figure out what to say to her while you were organising your stuff. You didn’t want to come on too strong but you also want to make sure that she knows you had a good time…I guess just tell her exactly that?

“I had a really good time tonight, thanks again for inviting me.” You say as you’re leaning against the wall in her hallway. 

“Of course, anytime. And I did too. We should really hang out more when we come back to school.” She replies. 

Kate walks towards you and stops about a foot away leaning up against the doorframe to her bedroom. The hallway is super narrow and all you can think about is pinning her against the wall while you kiss down her neck and pull her tight by her waist. 

“Yeah I think so too. I guess I should probably head out.” You say as she looks at you with the softest eyes that you swore said “please stay”. You lingered for a second longer as the two of you were looking at each other, tired, kind of tipsy and on the verge of ripping each other's clothing off. All you wanted was for her to actually ask you to stay a little longer but before she had the chance you were already walking towards the door. 

“Have a good night y/n.” She says. “Text me when you get home safe.”

“I will. Sleep well Kate.” You reply as you turn to look at her with a smile and step out the front door. 

That goodbye felt different. It felt like there were still feelings in the air and lots that wanted to be said that wasn't. It felt like the perfect opportunity with nobody around after an amazing night together has passed but you regret none of it. Although you weren’t able to get a confirmation on whether or not Kate even likes women like you do, you knew there was definitely a type of tension between the two of you that she definitely noticed.

-- END OF PT 1 --

Taglist: @yelenaslyubov @youreatotalposer @jeyramarie @flosbelova @bridgecitybrad @justthis-stuff @chloe7076 @ailenepuff @ravenclawbitch426 @mellowladyangel @amcg0605-blog @kassies-take @yelenaswife1996 @wandanatchick @lilroachsworld @inluvwithfictionalwomen @x666hours @natashaswife4125 @onetruwhore @karmasgxrl @hopelesslyfallenninlove @setsuna1415 @swiftdazer @imobsessedwithmilfss @madamevirgo @louisprettybab @splatalia-jumpanova @jediluka @t00manyfand0ms

[badhockeymom]

Cup Besties talking

It's about this ⤵

And this ⤴

Can't recommend this enough if you know any Finnish. They were veteran dad and rookie son, winning the most coveted prize in the hockey world, one to start off his NHL career, one to finally get the crown on his before retiring.

This is just the beginning of the roughly 1,5 hour conversation of Teuvo as a guest on Kimmo Timonen's and Antti Mäkinen's podcast. Teuvo's deadpan sarcasm and his subtle chuckles that soften his wry chirps and self-mockery work like a charm, sending his forty-something hosts into fits of laughter.

May be continued but let me put this out there first.

Kimmo: Our next guest hails from Helsinki. He's full 29 years old, but still has the face of a child. He goes by the nickname Turbo, which I don't understand, because he isn't that fast. A produce of the Jokerit, he has got, among other accolades, the Finnish rookie of the year award. From Jokerit, he went to Chicago, where we won the Stanley Cup together in 2015. Nowadays he plays for the Carolina Hurricanes alongside Sebastian Aho. Welcome, my good friend, Teuvo Teukka Teräväinen, to the Kimanttia podcast!

Teuvo: Thanks a lot, (chuckle) nice to be here even though you forced me to come.

Kimmo: (laugs) For your information, listeners, I've tried to goad Teukka for a guest appearance for two or three years, but he has always, always declined before now. It's good, it's great to hear your voice, man.

Antti (co-host Antti Mäkinen): I was so sure that Teuvo has been on the show but it's great that you're there now.

Teuvo: Yes, I always say to Kime that someday I'll come, and now I felt it's time.

Kimmo: Are you in Finland, Teukka?

Teuvo: Yes, a few days ago. I came straight to the cottage, it's nice to wind down for a few days here. Nothing special.

(They go on asking if Teuvo has watched the Worlds, he reminds the hosts that Canes were still playing when the games started.)

Kimmo: I wanted to ask, before we start going through your career, how long are you staying in Finland, and will you spend time at the cottage or do you have plans?

Teuvo: I usually head back to the States in the beginning of September, to settle down a little before the camp starts. In Finland, this summer will be quite busy, all my weekends are pretty much locked down, I have so many weddings and bachelor parties this summer.

Kimmo: Oh, you're getting married? I haven't got an invitation.

Teuvo: Yeah, multiple times. (Antti and Kimmo laugh) No, fortunately it isn't my wedding. They're nice events, but they do take up your time.

Kimmo: Yes they do, weekends come and go.

(Antti tells a story about a golf live stream during the covid lockdown, where Teuvo played against Patrik Laine. Both played well but in the end, Teuvo lost. He left the course with very few words, and after an half an hour, posted a pic of his golf bag on his Instagram story, captioned "Clubs for sale")

Teuvo: I remember that. It's what it is, it's never nice to lose.

Kimmo: (laughs) That sounds familiar because I've also sometimes played golf with Teukka, and the round has gone fine, and he says, I'm quitting this game.

Teuvo: Yeah... We've played tennis, too.

Antti: How do you do against him in tennis, can you hold your own?

Teuvo: Well, I don't think i've yet won Kime, at least on his home court.

Kimmo: Well now, there we heard the truth.

Teuvo: But now i have my own homecourt here at the cottage, you're welcome to challenge me here.

Kimmo: (softly) I must come over.

Teuvo: On my own court I haven't lost to anyone else but Henkka Kontinen who's a pretty good player. (Pro tennis player, doubles specialist, career high rank 1 in doubles)

Kimmo: Oh. I'll have to come and challenge you this summer.

Teuvo: You'll have to.

Antti: Hey, that guy is a professional at that tennis hobby of his, he does have an advance.

Teuvo: Or used to be, he hadn't been playing for a full year when he defeated me.

~~~

So, that's just the first five minutes.

A little extra treat from the next segment:

Kimmo: I did some research about your junior years, and it said you started on Helsingin Kojootit (Helsinki Coyotes). Where's Helsingin Kojootit?

Teuvo: It's -- in Helsinki. (chuckles.) Like it says, Helsingin Kojootit, how didn't you pick it up from the name?

(Laughter, Antti is dying)

[magicalrocketships]

not me discovering this fine evening that you wrote other parts of Won’t Get To Space here on tumblr 0.o that fic is like *my fic*: i read it probably once a month, i like it that much (plus - me and liam may have something in common and this fic doesn't make me feel pathetic like i sometimes feel - even if i'm in my 30s) .. so, thanks to that anon for talking about this fic and for you to link the other snippets: you just made the (what was supposed to be an early) evening for an European <3 if you ever want to share anything else in that universe, please do <3 i wish you an amazing day / night and thank you *very much* for creating this AU

oh, thank you! I'm so glad <3 It's so lovely to hear that it resonated with you.

I went looking for the sequel file in the depths of my dropbox, it has a last modified date of 2015, it was created in 2013, I don't have the original program I wrote it in anymore so I don't know if any of the formatting is messed up as I really haven't looked it in years, but here's the contents of the file. There's no ending and it's just bits and pieces, but please know that of course they end up happily, and I don't think I ever posted it in its entirety here.

I hope you see this, anon!

won't get to space because I haven't got a rocket part 2 (harry/liam/louis)

(first part here)

Like the sky is blue (all the things that stop you dreaming)

Come to London this weekend, we miss you xx

Liam grins down at his phone. He's on his break, eating two ham salad sandwiches and a bag of cheese and onion crisps in the back of the garage, flicking through The Mirror.

Your both in the paperrrrrrrrr, he texts, once he hits the 3am pages. Did u rlly fall out of a clubbb??????

Shameless lies !!! Louis texts back. we stumbled gracefully !!!!

His phone beeps with a message from Harry. I fell out of the cab not the club. lou just fell over me.

Liam laughs at that. What u uptooo?

Hanging around the record company !! Meetings . Boring !! Louis this time. They must be together, and reading each other's texts. Liam sort of likes the idea of them both peering down at the same phone, together.

Maybe touching all the way down one side.

He really likes thinking about them touching.

Gud luck xxxxx Liam hasn't got long left of his lunch. Mums berthdaaay this fri so cant come down :( sozzzzzzz :(

He has to get back to work anyway, so he stuffs his phone into his pocket before the reply arrives, and heads back across the garage to get on with Mrs Holloway's oil change.

~*~

Liam spends Friday night in Garfunkel's with his mum and his dad and his sisters, eating dinner in honour of his mum's birthday. He orders the chicken even though he normally gets the scampi, just like his dad, but it's nice to spend time with his parents and his sisters and just eat together.

Nicola tries not to talk about her wedding, but it's hard, since there's such a lot to organise, and everyone wants it to be great. His mum has been fretting about what to wear since Nicola first came home with her engagement ring, and she's pushing Nicola to try and find out what Graham's mum's wearing so that they don't clash.

Liam's dad makes the same grimace of 'these Payne women, what are we supposed to do with them' that he's been making at Liam since he realised they could have a secret club of two, and Liam makes the same face of agreement he's been making since he realised he could join in.

"Stop it, you two," his mum says, flicking Liam in the arm with her serviette. "It might not matter to you if we both show up in salmon pink from Debenhams, but it'll be embarrassing for our Nicola. And me."

"I know," Liam says. "What if I showed up in salmon pink from Debenhams too, it'd be terrible. I might cry."

"Liam," his mum says reprovingly, but Nicola smacks him in the arm.

"You'll be dressed like all the other ushers," she says, and Liam is very quickly reminded that Nicola is fast losing her sense of humour when it comes to her big day.

"I was only joking."

Nicola rolls her eyes at him. "I'm turning into a proper little madam," she says. "I know, you'll be all calling me Bridezilla the moment my back's turned."

"Of course we won't," his mum says. She leans over and pats her on the hand as the waiter comes over with their food. "It'll be perfect."

It takes a couple of minutes for everything to get sorted, and his dad's already tucking into his scampi and chips before Nicola turns her attention to Liam, and his Peri Peri chicken. "Have you got your eye on anyone, our kid? Anyone you might want to bring to the wedding?"

Liam immediately thinks about Louis and Harry, Louis sprawled out naked on his bed, laughing, and Harry bringing them both cups of tea. He wants to bring them, but firstly, there's no point banking on a future where they're concerned, and secondly, how could he ever explain that he's bringing two boys to his big sister's wedding? He's not even sure he could tell them he was bringing one boy to the wedding, let alone two.

"Ooh," Nicola says. "There is someone, isn't there? I can see it on your face."

"Is there?" Ruth asks.

Liam tries to school his face into something that won't give anything away. He rather suspects he fails. "Nah," he says. "Nothing that'll come to anything. Single pringle, that's me."

Ruth makes a sad face at him. "You'll find someone. You're brilliant, Liam."

Those people on OK Cupid who ever bothered messaging him back didn't think he was brilliant, and neither did all of Andy's friends. Nobody had, really, until Louis and Harry, and Liam was half convinced that they'd be off again given the slightest chance. Why would boys like that settle for a trainee mechanic from the midlands when they could have anyone in London town? It just didn't make sense. He fakes a smile for Ruth, and one for Nicola and his parents, and tries to turn their attention back to his mum and her birthday.

He's not sure it works.

~*~

His mum does a roast chicken on Sunday, and Liam rocks up at half eleven with a bunch of flowers for her, because it's her birthday weekend and she deserves flowers. He's in a good mood; Louis had rung him up at half past one in the morning to tell him that they missed him and trying to have sex without him there was rubbish and boring.

Liam hadn't believed that for a second, but he likes to be remembered, and Harry and Louis just keep on remembering him, like he isn't invisible, or see-through at the edges, but like he's real.

(talking about Nicola's wedding and asking Liam if he's bringing anyone, and Liam wanting to say yes but not being able to. Texting Louis and Harry from in front of the telly and his family thinking there's a girlfriend) Birthday weekend.

~*~

"What time do you finish work?" Louis asks, as soon as Liam picks up, and Liam’s so used to Louis and Harry constantly using each other’s phones that it doesn’t bother him that it’s Harry’s name that flashed up on his screen. It’s a picture of all three of them that comes with it, anyway, Harry in the middle with Louis on his back with his arm in the air, Liam holding the camera out and pressing in so that he’s in shot. It’s one of Liam’s favourite pictures. 

"Half five, why?" Liam asks. He’s supposed to be seeing them at the weekend, but it’s only Thursday. They have half-arsed plans to go and see the new Captain America film, and Liam’s desperately trying to cover up his desire to see it sooner rather than later. 

"We’re coming to pick you up," Louis says. "We’ve got plans for you."

"It’s Thursday, though," Liam says, puzzled. He has plans for tonight that involve putting a load of washing on and eating beans on toast in front of the telly. It’s the part of his life he tries to hide from Louis and Harry, who are surely only here for the exciting bits. 

"We know," Louis says. "You’re not busy, are you?"

"Nope," Liam says, although he’ll have to figure out when to do the washing now, so he’ll have clean pants for work on Monday. He’s very much in love with Louis and Harry, but he does have a Monday to Friday job he has to work the two of them around, which they don’t. 

"Brilliant," Louis says. "We’ll see you at half five. Love you."

"Right," Liam says, still puzzled, but Louis has already hung up. 

Half five shows up, but Louis and Harry don’t. Liam sits outside the garage with his jacket zipped up, and passes his phone from hand to hand, waiting for them. He doesn’t want to ring in case they’re driving, so he sits outside and hopes that he hasn’t got the day wrong. 

They don’t show up until ten to six, by which point Liam is already about ready to leave to go home. Harry pulls his Range Rover up in front of the garage though, parking it totally skewiff, and Louis is already tumbling out of the passenger door even as Liam is standing up to meet them. 

"Hello," Louis says, bounding over and pushing Liam up against the wall. "Happy Captain America Day, Steve."

"What?" Liam says, but Louis is kissing him hello. Liam can’t quite bring himself to be bothered about who might see. 

"Captain America Day," Harry says, carefully pushing Louis out of the way and kissing Liam gently. "Here, we got you a t-shirt in honour of the occasion."

Louis pulls open his denim jacket to display a t-shirt with Captain America’s shield right there in the centre. Harry is wearing one with a giant Avengers A in the middle. The one they’re holding out for Liam is royal blue, with a white star in the middle and red and white stripes at the bottom. 

"What—"

"Suit up," Louis says. "Here, preferably. Where we can stare at how hot you are."

Liam swallows, and looks down at his t-shirt. “Why are you here?” he asks, because ninety-five per cent of the time, he has no idea why Louis and Harry even bother with him. 

"Because Steve’s your favourite, and because you’re our favourite, and because we wanted to take our boyfriend out," Harry says. "We’ve got tickets for the eight o’clock showing, we’ve got a table at that burger place near that bowling alley that we went to first, and then we’re all going to go back to yours afterwards and let you talk about how hot Captain America is whilst we fuck you."

"That last part’s my favourite," Louis says, leaning in. "That was my idea, that bit. You can talk about how you’d like Steve to fuck you, if you like. Whilst we jerk you off. Make you come all over yourself."

"Oh," Liam says. Luckily he works on a nice, quiet road. It’s good, that, because he’s sporting a semi. "Right. That’s good, then."

"Brilliant," Harry says. "Now, are you going to change your top, or what? It’s been a whole week since we’ve seen you topless, and we’re getting withdrawal symptoms."

"All right," Liam says softly, and pulls open his jacket. 

(weekend at Liam's)

~*~

MINI BREAK

Plan to go away for a mini break, rent a house for the bank holiday weekend – Frisbee and piggy in the middle on the beach, bacon sandwiches, watching dvds and fucking, joking about singing together, Liam thinks it's a silly joke, they're not joking.

"We should go away," Liam says, without really thinking about it. It's either late one night or early one morning, but his watch is too far away for him to check, and anyway, he doesn't care enough to move. It's dark outside and he's naked. Anything else is just details.

"We're away now," Harry points out, from where he's lying, cheek pressed to Liam's chest. He's playing with Liam's nipple, grazing his fingertips over Liam's skin, thumbnail catching. Liam slides his hand down Harry's side, down towards his hip. He's too sleepy to initiate sex again, but he's not tired enough to fall asleep right this instant. "Well, me and Louis are."

"Don't suppose many people actually holiday in Wolvo, Haz." Louis, for reasons known only to him and at best impenetrable to Liam, is standing by the side of Liam's bed, wearing one sock and steadily eating his way through a packet of chocolate HobNobs. "You are talking about a holiday, right?"

Liam shrugs. He hadn't exactly thought about options. He'd barely got as far as thinking through what he'd actually said. "It might be nice," he says, as carefully as he can. Holidays and mini-breaks are what couples do. People in relationships. He's still not entirely sure that this counts. He's half-convinced that every time he sees Harry and Louis, it's going to be the last.

~*~

LIAM WANTS TO TELL HIS PARENTS, he just wants people to be happy for him like he's happy with them. Is convinced they're going to take it well because they've always loved him and supported him and wanted him to be happy.

I told my mum and dad about the 3 of us, Liam texts, on Thursday night. He's careful with his spelling, for once. It takes him about three goes to get it right, and at least two and a half of those he can put down to his hands shaking.

It's about thirteen seconds until his phone rings.

"You all right?" Louis demands, as soon as Liam answers.

Liam lets out a ragged breath. "No?"

"God," Louis says. "You idiot. Why didn't you tell us? We could have, I don’t know, been there. We're like, two and a half hours away. Harry's gone to the shop for a Cornetto and a banana."

Liam tries, desperately, to get a handle on his breathing. "You don't have to—" he says, but then everything he's been trying to keep inside just comes rushing out, and he doesn't mean it to, he really doesn't, but he's crying. He's crying down the phone because his mum and dad don't want him. They don't want him, and they're everything to him, and he really, really thought they'd understand. "They don't want me," he manages, after a while. "Lou, they don't want me."

Louis' breath catches. "Oh, baby," he says. "Sweetheart."

"What am I going to do?" Liam can't think. He can't do anything. He's already been sitting here for the best part of an hour.

"Wait for us to get there," Louis tells him. Liam can hear him moving around. "We'll drive up as soon as Harry gets back from the shop. I'm so sorry. Liam, I'm so sorry."

Liam hates crying. He knows it's weak, and he should be past this, but he can't. It's so hard. "Haven't you got stuff tonight? You're going out. You said."

"Fuck that," Louis tells him. "I'm putting stuff in a bag. You're more important than any stupid party."

"I'm not."

"Oh god," Louis sounds like he's going to cry himself. "Liam, sweetheart. Please. Don't say that. We're two and a half hours away."

"Sorry," Liam says, automatically.

"No—" Louis lets out a breath. "Look, are you going to be okay for two minutes? I'm going to phone Harry, get him to get his arse back here. I'll call you straight back, I promise. Please don't cry, baby. It's going to be okay. I promise. It's going to be fine. Your parents are going to come round, I swear."

His parents had asked him to leave the house so that they could 'think about what he'd told them'. They'd used words like weird and disgusting and ashamed.

Liam's always had a lot of feelings, but right this second, he wishes he could tear his heart right out of his chest, just so that it would stop hurting, if only for a minute. "All right," he says, softly, and when Louis hangs up, he buries his face in his sleeve and lets himself cry.

Andy's there when Louis and Harry pull up outside in the car, looking awkward and a bit useless in Liam's kitchen. Liam has to send him to answer the door because he's on the phone when they bell goes; his mum is crying down the phone at him, and Liam's having enough trouble trying to figure out what she's saying in amongst the tears without having to worry about whether Louis' going to lamp Andy when he's not looking.

Liam can't think about that. He squeezes his eyes shut. "Mum—" he says. "Mum."

"I don't understand," his mum's saying. "We don't understand, me and your dad. How can there be three of you?"

"There just is," Liam says, over the sob in his throat. He hates crying in front of Andy. He knows what Andy thinks about lads crying, but Andy's been good enough not to say any of that in the hour he's been here. He'd given in and texted him whilst he was waiting for Louis to phone him back, a garbled evryyhgings gon 2 shit can u cumm overrrr plese.

This is why Andy's his best mate; he'd turned up forty minutes later with two portions of chips from the chippy and a four pack of Heineken.

Once he'd seen Liam's face, he'd dumped them all on the counter by the Baby Belling and punched Liam in the arm, before pulling him into a one-armed hug.

Andy still looks shell-shocked, and it's an hour later. He might not understand Liam and Louis and Harry either—and he doesn't, because Liam's had the questions to prove it—but at least he's still here. He's grown up with Liam, and he's grown up with Liam's family, and he doesn't know what to make of it either.

He's still here, though. His best mate.

He feels Louis and Harry

~*~

wakes up to find Ruth in the kitchen talking to Louis

When Liam wakes up, he can hear the soft burr of voices coming from the kitchen. He doesn't open his eyes, staying curled up on the couch instead, Harry's hand in his hair. It's Ruth's voice, and Louis', and Liam can feel himself freezing up all over.

"—I just don't get why," Ruth's saying, over the rumble of the kettle boiling. "You're both—you're in the newspapers. What are you doing here?"

"Because we both love Liam," Louis tells her. "Because it might be weird, and no one might get it but us, but he makes us happy and I think we make him happy too."

"But what are you doing here? You must have a proper posh place in London. What are you doing in my brother's shit flat?"

It's a question Liam asks himself a million times a day.

"Because this is Liam's life, and we love him, and we want to be a part of it. And his life is here, and in this flat, so yeah, we're going to be here. With him."

Ruth's quiet at that, and Liam stays where he is on the couch, his heart thumping. Harry's hand in his hair has stilled.

~*~

Liam is sad and alone; his parents want to try, and they all go for a barbecue at Liam's parents.

Louis comes to find Liam in his mum and dad's kitchen after a while, coming right on in and wrapping his arms around Liam's shoulders, pressing a kiss to Liam's neck. "You've been gone a while," he says, not loosening his hold.

"I'm making more salad," Liam tells him, chopping a tomato into eighths. "You lot have eaten all the rest."

"More salad's always good," Louis agrees, but he doesn't let go of Liam, and Liam's grateful because he feels like he's about to explode.

"Where's Harry?"

"Turning on the charm," Louis says.

"It won't work," Liam says, and he doesn't want his voice to catch, but it does nevertheless. His knife skitters over the tomato and down onto the chopping board. "They won't ever understand."

"It'll take time. To everyone who isn't us, this is probably really weird."

Liam shakes his head. "It's not weird," he says stubbornly. "I love you and I love Harry. I don't understand why that's not easy."

Louis lets out a breath, and drops another kiss to Liam's shoulder. "I think you're probably the most honest person I've ever met," he says, which is a lie. Liam lies to people all the time. Louis and Harry don't even know that Liam failed at the X Factor. One day they'll find out that he's lied to them all this time and that will be the end. He lies about how much he needs them and how much this means to him and how much he's desperate for them to love him like he loves them. He lies all of the time, every day, and one day it'll catch up with him and it'll all be over.

"I'm not."

Louis ignores him. "I see you, and you're always just—whatever you feel, you just—you're the most brilliant person I've ever met. You and Harry, but you differently. God, I'm crap at this. I'm trying to tell you that you're so open, and so honest, and that means you get hurt sometimes. If I could, I'd make sure you never got hurt again."

Liam's chest aches. "Louis—"

"People disappoint us," Louis goes on. "Sometimes people we love, they disappoint us. But that doesn't mean they don't love us."

Liam drops the knife. "I want them to love you like I love you," he says, and he sounds all choked up. He tries not to, but he can't help it. "It's not weird, and it's not wrong. We fit."

"I know," Louis says. He shifts, hooking his chin over Liam's shoulder, and wrapping his arms around Liam's waist. "You're fucking marvellous, Liam Payne. Like, fucking brilliant. Me and Harry are going to keep on telling you and telling you until you just know, okay?"

Liam nods, but he doesn't believe it.

When they get back to Liam's flat after the disastrous barbecue at his mum and dad's, Harry and Louis lead him wordlessly into the bedroom, and pull him into a hug. Harry presses his mouth to the corner of Liam's.

"You're brilliant," he says softly, sliding his hand into Liam's hair. "And when we met your mum and dad, we could see just where you get that from."

"They were rude," Liam stumbles over his words. "They barely spoke to you."

Louis slides his hands around Liam's waist, and under his t-shirt to rest his palms against Liam's stomach. "What do you say to the two guys who are having sex with your son, exactly? It's weird for them."

"I wanted them to love you," Liam admits. Louis keeps stroking his fingertips over Liam's tummy, and Liam wants to stay like this forever, in their arms.

"We'll make them love us," Harry says. "Just you wait. You've not seen our long term attack yet. We're excellent winners-over. We've got, like, plans and strategies."

"Just you wait," Louis agrees, mouthing at the sensitive skin beneath Liam's left ear.

Liam tells his parents that his relationship isn't going awawy and then Louis and Harry take him back home and look after him, but they have to leave to go back to London

Liam has to be by himself and Louis and harry are meeting together with Simon Cowell about singing in a group. Liam doesn't think they're serious.

~*~

Liam has never, ever been prouder of his sister than he is when he watches her say her vows at the front of the room. He stands there in his charcoal suit with his fuchsia buttonhole, being her usher, and he cries as she says I do. He can see Ruth doing the exact same thing from her pride of place as maid of honour, but he can't help but glance back over his shoulder, gaze going straight to Louis and Harry, half way back on the bride's side. They're probably holding hands, and Liam wants that so much it hurts, but he's promised Nicola and his mum and dad that he'll keep it quiet, this threesome he's in and trying to call a relationship.

It isn't like he doesn't know how weird it is, but he wishes the people he loved accepted him like Louis and Harry do.

Harry gives him a little half-wave, and that catches Louis' attention. He winks at Liam, bumping his shoulder into Harry's.

Liam turns back to the front. His heart is full.

Nicola comes over later. She's drunk and plump and beaming and beautiful. "I'm so proud of you, little brother," she says, leaning over to wrap her arm around his shoulders. Her wedding dress is the size of about three people. She looks gorgeous, and like she's had the best day ever. Liam only wanted that from today, so he can't help but consider it a job well done. "And I'm really pleased you're so happy."

Liam goes a bit red, but he risks a glance at Harry and Louis anyway. They're all sitting out of the way of the dancing, because if they can't be openly together then sitting in the corner together and tangling their feet under the table is enough of an alternative to capture their affection.

Louis winks at him, and Harry just grins. They've got matching button holes, the three of them, Louis biting his lip and swapping Liam's fuchsia one for a cream rose once the dinner and the speeches and the photographs were all done. Liam had wanted something that marked them out as a threesome, a trio, even if he couldn't offer them both more.

"Seriously," Nicola says, her arm still round Liam's shoulders. "I've never seen you so happy."

Liam knows he's blushing more. He wants to reach over and curl his fingers into Louis', and have Harry come over and wrap his arms around him. "Well," he says, only a little awkwardly. "I am."

"It's been a good day, hasn't it?" Nicola goes on. She waves her arm in the air. "Everything's gone right."

"It's been perfect," Harry says. "And you look beautiful. Thank you for inviting us."

Nicola leans over and takes Louis' hand. "You are being good to him, aren't you?"

"Nicola," Liam hisses, but he can't do anything; it's her wedding day, she can hold whoever's hand she wants to. "Stop that. Put him down."

"Shush," Nicola says. "I'm talking to your boyfriend. One of your boyfriends." She giggles. "I never thought you'd have more than one boyfriend, Lee. Never thought you'd have a boyfriend, come to that."

"Well, I do, and they're perfect," Liam tells her. "But will you put him down and stop embarrassing me for two seconds?"

"No, but seriously." Nicola lets go of Louis' hand and reaches for Harry's. Harry lets her take it, and flushes in what Liam can only think of as a ridiculously cute kind of a way. "This is my little brother," she says, not letting go of Harry's hand. "Like—me and Ruth are really protective of him. Cos he's our little brother. And it's like you are too. Not like Andy."

"Nicola," Liam warns.

"Seriously. I'm trying to tell you something, so shush, Liam." She shakes her head, and turns her attention back to Louis and Harry. "If you hurt him, either of you, then I will personally hunt you down and kill you, and Ruth will help me."

Liam isn't so sure of that, since Ruth is still not quite on board with the Liam-has-two-boyfriends part of proceedings. This is still the most embarrassing experience he can quite remember, so he leaves the Ruth part of things to one side for now.

"You don’t need to worry," Louis says, shooting a glance at Liam. "We're the last people you need to worry about when it comes to Liam. I'm pretty sure we're committed to making sure everybody in the world realises how great Liam is."

"Yeah," Harry echoes. "We think he's brilliant, and we love him."

Liam knows he's doing his best impression of a bright red, on fire tomato but he can't look up. If he looks up he'll do something stupid like kiss both of them, and he'd promised. He'd promised.

"Do you three want to dance?" Nicola says suddenly.

Liam looks up. "With you?"

"Well, I suppose. I just meant—I meant do you three want to dance, together."

Liam looks over at the dance floor. "But everybody will know," he says. "I promised you and Mum and Dad."

Nicola raises her shoulders in an inelegant shrug. "I haven't seen you this happy, like, ever. It's like—I don't think it's very nice of us to be like, come to my wedding, but pretend you're not totally in love for the sake of Auntie Dora and all the cousins and the neighbours or whatever. So I think maybe that you should dance. All three of you."

"But Mum and Dad—"

"Leave them to me," Nicola says. "Anyway, whose wedding is this? It's bloody mine, so you three, get up there and do something romantic for me, all right?" She kisses the top of Liam's head. "Go on, scram. I'm going to find Ed and get him to dance with me too. We'll make a right show of it, us Paynes on that dance floor. Where's Ruth?"

"You're not a Payne anymore, Nic."

"Once a Payne, always a Payne," Nicola tells him, winking at Louis and Harry. "Go on. Up you go." Liam watches as she threads her way through the tables and her wedding guests in pursuit of her new—and quite remarkably drunk—husband.

"Well," Louis says. He smiles at Liam. "What do you want to do?"

Liam smiles at that. "I want to do what I always want to do. Be with you guys."

Harry blinks at that, looking away. "God, " he says. "Fuck, stop making me cry."

"So," Simon Cowell says, when all five of them are in his office, sitting in deceptively low cushioned chairs in front of his desk, "What have you got to say for yourselves."

"This is Liam Payne," Louis says, pointing at Liam, "and he's fantastic. And we think we want to record as a band—"

"I know who Liam Payne is." Simon cuts him off, sitting back in his chair, tapping his pen against the arm. "Long time, no see, Liam."

Liam can't bear to look to either side of him. "I didn't think you'd remember me."

"I'm good with names and faces," Simon says. "It's part of what got me to where I am now. That, and I looked you up."

"What's he mean?" Louis hisses, kicking Liam in the ankle.

Liam shakes his head, and doesn't say anything. This is what the end feels like: this. So close to his dreams, and yet so endlessly far away.

"Didn't I tell you to come back when you'd grown up a bit? Done your GCSEs?"

Liam juts his chin out. "I couldn't afford to," he says. "I needed to work."

"I literally have no idea what's going on right now," Niall says, from Liam's other side.

"I auditioned for the X Factor," Liam sits on his hands. "Two years before you did, when I was fourteen. I went to Barbados with Simon. I didn't get through."

There is no silence like a horrified, wounded silence, and Liam can read this one like a book.

"God," Niall says.

"Shit," Louis breathes, next to him. When Liam looks, Harry just looks horrified. "Why didn't you tell us?"

Liam draws his shoulders up. "Dunno," he says. "Didn't want to tell you I'd failed where you'd all passed. Didn't make any difference anyway, not back then. Then it got too late to tell you. I didn't think Simon would remember me."

"I remembered you," Simon says. He's still tapping his pen against the arm of his chair.

AND THEN: happy ending of course.

[super-predictable98]

Glass and Gold Child (There She Goes AU)

Chapter 1: One Day in the Life of Alex Yates

Word Count: 2 k

Warning: Strong language, alcohol abuse

a/n: Hello everyone! In my mission to write as many Michael and David characters as I can, here's another effort: a wee rewrite of There She Goes with my OC.

2015:

Simon had been trying to get Rosie to calm down all morning. Ben just watched that disaster unfold while their father tried to drag her back from the park to have dinner.

"Where's your sister when we need her?" Simon groaned, pulling Rosie away from a car that she ran to because the license plate had a big X on it, her absolute favorite.

"What's going on?" Alex asked when she came back from her judo practice. She still wore her white trousers with a black tank top and her brown belt wrapped around her waist.

"Fuck, Alexandra, there you are! Can you…?"

"Hey, Rosie!" She greeted with a big smile.

"X! X!" The little girl called.

"That's me, come on, are you gonna be good or will I have to give these wotsits to Dad?"

Rosie let out a happy screech when she saw the blue package and reached for it. It was never too quiet around her, she was always making noises to communicate, but those happy noises were always welcome.

She took the snack from Alex and gave her older sister a clumsy hug.

"Can you say thank you?" Alexandra asked.

In response, Rosie did the sign in BSL and her sister ruffled her hair.

"You're a miracle worker," Simon sighed as they walked from the park. "You can't be going around and leaving us alone. She needs you."

"You hear how insane that sounds, Dad?" Ben chuckled. "She's not her mum, besides, she was at practice not even hanging out."

"Not helping, Ben," he hissed.

"It went well then?" Emily, the matriarch of the family, asked while she prepared the food.

"As well as it can go," Simon murmured, watching the kids get around the table. "I was thinking, what if we never send Alex to college?"

"What? Are you insane?"

"You know what I mean! Sometimes she's the only one who can calm Rosie down and can you imagine the epic meltdown that Darwin's little exception is gonna have when her big sis moves out?"

"Simon, we can't just ask Alex not to live her life. We're their parents, it's our job to look after them, not hers."

"Now you just sound like Ben!"

"Because even an 11-year-old boy has more common sense than you! She's 17, she'll leave eventually, we're gonna have to make it work."

"Remember when it was just her?" Simon smiled.

"When you were not a total prick? Yeah, I remember."

*

2001:

"Where's Daddy?" Alexandra asked, crawling on the floor, even after she learned how to walk, she still loved to crawl.

"He's coming home, remember when I told you about Daddy working to buy your Christmas presents?" Emily picked up her little girl and kissed her forehead. "Why do you love Daddy so much? Can't it be Mummy?"

"No! Only Daddy," Alex laughed at her mother's expression when she said that.

"Where are my girls?" Simon opened the door and opened his arms to take his daughter. "There's my little princess! How you doing, sweet pea?"

"Good! I missed you!"

"I missed you too!" He bounced her and kissed all over her chubby little cheeks. "Oh, there's my queen."

"Good one," Emily laughed. "She's been talking about you all day, she's a little chatterbox."

"Aww but that's cute! Remember when she'd speak full sentences before she could even walk? It was a nice party trick."

"I know, and it's cute, but I do hope our next daughter is less chatty. For my sanity."

"I heard that!" Alex gasped.

"See, now you hurt my little princess!" Simon joked. "Can you get me a beer, Em?"

"Noooo I don't like beer Daddy," the little girl cried.

"Wow, that is not concerning at all…" Emily arched an eyebrow. "Did Daddy ever hurt you after drinking beer?"

"Only on the inside…"

"No! I'm not-! You meant your heart, right? I hurt your feelings?" Simon asked, panicked.

"Yeah, you were mean."

"See, Em? Never say that again, sweetie, people might get the wrong idea and then they'll take Daddy to jail. Is that what you want?"

"No! We need to watch Barbie and the Nutcracker!"

"Good girl, if Daddy's in jail he can't watch Barbie and the Nutcracker with you."

*

2006:

"HIYAAAAAA!" Alex jumped on her father's stomach after bringing him to the floor with a rather flawless valley drop.

"Jesus Christ! That's what we're paying for? For you to learn how to kill your father in karate?" Simon groaned, curling up into a ball.

"It's judo, Daddy!" She laughed.

"Oh pardon me, I wouldn't wanna be rude to the little girl who just broke my ribs. You're always complaining I'm not home enough and when I am, you just wanna punish me."

Alexandra frowned and wrapped her little arms around him, kissing his cheek. She did complain because ever since her mum got pregnant, she would barely see him at all.

He was always 'at work' or with his friends and whenever she saw him, it was beer Daddy, not the one she loved.

"I'm sorry, I didn't wanna hurt you."

"Hey, sweetheart, it's okay," Simon assured, kissing the top of her head. "Daddy's sorry, okay? I wish I could be home more, but- it's hard to explain, my baby. Sometimes grown-ups do silly things even when they know it's wrong and then when they try to undo it, they can't right away. But I promise I'll make it better."

"Are you and Mummy getting divorced?"

"Why did you have to be such a smart girl?" He sighed. "I don't know, darling, I don't want to, but sometimes it's what's best for mummies and daddies."

"And then we'll never see you again?"

"Of course you'll see me, Alex! Even if one day I'm no longer Mummy's husband, I'm still your and your siblings' daddy, that'll never change. You're stuck with me for life, kiddo. Is that okay? You being stuck with your old man?"

"That's okay," Alex smiled. "I wanna come live with you if you leave."

"Why is that, princess?" Simon sat up, a bit worried that she'd given that whole thing so much thought. She shouldn't be pondering on that sort of thing.

"Because Mummy loves Rosie more. She only ever holds Rosie and talks to Rosie and about Rosie."

"Awww Alex, that's not true," he took her in his arms, stroking her long dark waves. "Mummy is only busy with Rosie because she was just born. She's just a little baby and she was born really small, she needs attention."

"I know, but when Ben was born, it wasn't like that. Mummy still loved me when he was a baby."

"Mummy still loves you now, sweetie, don't worry. But if you ever wanna come live with me, that'll be okay and… I mean, not that we're actually getting divorced. That's not happening as far as I'm concerned. Okay?"

"Okay… is it time to go to judo yet?"

"Yeah, it's time, come on."

Simon grabbed her Barbie backpack with her uniform and a little snack.

"Are you gonna stay and watch me?" Alex asked hopefully.

"I can't, sweetie. Daddy's meeting Aunt Helen, but I'll be there when you're done," Simon picked her up and looked up the stairs. "Em! I'm taking the little monster to judo!"

Father and daughter took the train, as Simon wouldn't learn how to drive to save his life, and he dropped her off at her class.

Alex saw Daddy leave and wanted to cry, to scream about how he never sat to watch her practices anymore like the other parents did, but she didn't. She was brave and put on her uniform all by herself.

She diligently got through her class and changed back into her street clothes, excited to tell her father that she was getting a new belt soon.

"Hey, I'm getting the yellow-orange belt, Daddy. It means I'm halfway to getting my orange belt which is my favorite color! I can't wait!" She whispered to herself as she sat right outside the dojo with the other kids.

One by one, the kids were picked up by their parents, but Alexandra stayed there, swinging her little legs and rehearsing what to say to Dad when he finally arrived.

"Yeah, she's still here," the sensei said into the phone. "Don't worry, I know you have a new baby at home, Mrs. Yates, I can drive her. It's no problem."

Alex never got to say her perfectly rehearsed lines celebrating her new achievement. She sat in silence the entire car ride back to her house and when her mother opened the door, she burst into tears.

"Hey, hey sweetie, it's okay," Emily hugged her after putting Rosie down in the crib. "Don't cry, baby. I'm sorry you were scared."

"I wasn't scared! He didn't come and he told me he would! Why won't anyone love me anymore?" Alexandra hit her head on the wall a few times before her mother could catch her.

"Mum? Why is Al hurting herself? Don't hurt yourself, Al!" Ben whispered, bringing her a pillow.

"Hear that? Your brother is worried about you, he loves you and so do I, so does Rosie, so does Daddy. And your grandparents, Aunt Soph…"

"Daddy doesn't love me, he left me there. He's not my daddy anymore!"

"It's not true, Al, you're his precious little princess and he just made a mistake. He forgot he was supposed to be there or he missed the train- the point is, everyone makes mistakes," Emily said even though she was also furious with her husband and that was far from his first fuck up. "Tell me how was class, let me make you something to eat."

"I get a yellow-orange belt next week, I'm not hungry," Alex said while she stomped up the stairs to get to her bedroom.

She hid in there all afternoon and when it was almost time to sleep, the door slowly opened and Simon came in stumbling over himself.

"Mummy just told me what happened, I'm so sorry, my pumpkin pie. I lost track of time, when I realized it was already eight," he slurred.

"Get out of here! You stink, I hate beer Daddy! I hate all daddies! I hate you!"

"I understand, I get it. I love you though and I'm really sorry," he said, too embarrassed to look her in the eye. "Mum told me you're getting a new belt? That's exciting, you're one closer to orange, your favorite."

"Whatever, if you cared you would've watched me."

"I swear, I promise next week I'll be there to see it."

"No, you won't! I don't believe you anymore. Go away, I'm going to sleep."

*

2015:

"That is my monster, its ears are so fluffy!" Alex read and closed the book. "Now, my little monster Rosie, it's time for bed."

The noise her sister made was indication she wasn't happy about it.

"I know, I know you don't want to. But let me tell you something. I know you can't talk, but you understand me, right? You get what X is saying?"

Rosie didn't nod or give any proof that it was true, but she stared directly at Alex, she was listening.

"If you close your eyes and fall asleep, you can play with the nice monsters and Hippo in dreamland. Right here," she touched Rosie's head. "Don't you wanna play with Hippo and the monsters from the book? Yeah, I know. So please, close your eyes and sleep, alright? I love you, pretty girl."

When Alexandra put up the gate to stop her sister from leaving the room, she noticed her parents were watching from afar.

"Sorry, I'm gonna go wash the dishes now," she chuckled, knowing she was behind on her chores.

"No! Don't you dare, Alex," Emily hugged her tightly. "You help more than enough and honestly I feel bad about it sometimes. Daddy will do the dishes."

"What? Why me?" Simon yelped. "I mean, yeah, I agree she shouldn't have to after getting Rosie to sleep, but why me?"

"Because you're a lazy arse," Alexandra laughed.

"You know what? Let's just order some pizza and relax while we have a little time," Emily suggested.

"Ah come on! We order pizza every week, let's have something different," Simon wrapped his arms around each of them.

"I don't think lazy arses have the right to decide," Alex laughed. "Come on, let's play a game while we wait. Oh! And remember tomorrow everyone needs to come to the gym, I'm getting my black belt!"

"Don't worry, princess, we'll all be there for you," he smiled.

[caitlynnrosespn]

My Just Dance Story

So, I know this is SO RANDOM but I wanted to fully share my story for why I love Just Dance and what brought me into this community. I have a long story of why Just Dance means so much to me, so here I am! Oh, and quick TW: I will talk about... a bunch of stuff, so warnings for ab*se (all kinds), body shaming, su*cide, depression, and whatever else I forgot! (Don't worry it's a happy story!! I promise!!)

Dance is always something near and dear to my heart. When I was tiny I would watch dancers on TV and try to mimic them to the best of my ability. I mean, I was there for the Single Ladies dance challenge, meaning I remember the very first dance challenge. I loved to move and express myself, but there were some challenges with that. One, I wasn't allowed to go to dance classes like my sisters were allowed to. I was forced to stay at home at all times, because my dad was abusing me and my sisters and i was the only one without a filter. Two, I was also being sold to men my dad worked with to help pay off bills, and the injuries from that were more clear then the ones from the physical abuse (don't panic- i was drugged the whole time. I don't remember much from that) so my dancing expertise came entirely from whatever I could sneak online (there's a very old video of me doing a cheer-leading routine online, which I will not try to find cuz you can see my dad in the background).

When I was 7, my sister was able to finally tell the right people what was going on and got us out of there. When I tell you I wouldn't be around anymore if it wasn't for her, I'm not being dramatic. My bio dad threatened to kill me on multiple occasions, and I'm sure it was bound to actually happen at some point. I also managed to make the local news, so everyone knew what had happened. But while at a foster house, I first played Just Dance. It was 2012, so I played Just Dance 4. At that time it was just a way for me to have fun with all my sisters before we were permanently separated from each other, but that memory will always be a happy one for me (first ever map was Good Feeling btw).

I was put into a foster home, where I was for 2 years before getting adopted. And while things improved drastically, there were still some issues there. My adopted dad was emotionally abusive, breaking me in a different way. I am a curvy person, and him not understanding that curvy bodies are still healthy, enforced tow eating disorders in me and taught to absolutely torture my body with workouts. He didn't believe I should be a dancer, because, in his words, "no one wants to see you jiggling all that around" and "boys don't like cellulite" (cuz i only danced for boys-obviously.) Others also said that dancing made me a slut. So I quickly gave up my dreams of being a dancer. I became depressed, and soon had to be sent to a psychiatric ward after attempting to take my own life. I was 11.

But I wish that the Just Dance team could have seen the effect that playing Just Dance had on a bunch of depressed teens. Just Dance 4 ironically was the only thing they let us play, but the transformation was visceral. We went from angry, depressed, and terrified teens to a group of lifelong friends, cheering each other on and absolutely killing cheoreos. It was then I realized- I could still dance if I could just have my hands on this game.

So I had a friend who had JD 2015. We loved playing together (my favorite map was Happy- obviously.) But I begged my parents to get me my own JD game. They got me JD 2016, and I loved every second of it. I also at the time was online more, so I grew very fond of dancers like Avery, Of Hugo and Jayden Rodriquez. I also found the official dancers of Just Dance, like Jessy, Mehdhi, and Sarah Magassa. I fell in love with their dance and dreamed of dancing like them one day.

But my dad quickly caught on to my scheme, and shamed me out of playing, even encouraging my siblings to do the same. When that didn't work, he banned the game completely. Heartbroken, and having no time to spare due to musical theater (which my mom thankfully got me into) I once again quite any dreams of being a dancer.

But fast forward to 2022. I kind of still watched stuff about Just Dance, but I was beyond out of the loop. But one day I got home, and my dad had accidentally locked me out of the house. (you make me feeell like I've been locked out of-ok i'm done sorry) So, with two hours to go before my dad came back, I opened YouTube and there it was- The Ubisoft Forward for Just Dance 2023. It had been the day before, so I decided to watch it. Beside the initial confusion (is that Shirley? Why is Jessy blue? Huh?) I was so amazed by the game and fell immediately in love with the game. But I became obsessed when I saw HER.

A curvy coach. Yes, I know she was in other games leading up to this, but I was out of the loop by then. So when I saw a dancer who looked just like me (same hair at this point too!) it just hit me.

What the hell was I doing? Who had the right to tell me what to do with my body? Why was I letting others destroy my dreams, just because they didn't think I was worthy enough of them? Yeah, fuck that.

So I did everything I could to get the game. On launch day I biked 24 miles away from my house to the nearest gamestop to buy the game, lying to my dad and saying I was buying my friend a birthday gift. Honestly, it was one of the best nights of my life, cuz I remember feeling like I was reclaiming myself. I felt free.

And that's what Just Dance means to me. It symbolizes freedom, a new birth. It gives me hope. It is currently helping me reclaim the love for dance that so many people tried to destroy. So thank you to the loving and supporting community, the amazing team, and everyone who has helped me on this journey. From the bottom of my heart, I love you all <3

[qumiiiquinnquin]

my view on love is so skewed.

what is love?

i know what it is. only partially though. i only know it from an outside perspective.

people feel deeply for each other , to the point of dating , sometimes to the point of marriage , sometimes to the point of having a kid or multiple children. sometimes , to the point of growing old together , and sometimes resting peacefully with your graves side by side in the cemetery.

sometimes love just doesnt work out though. feelings for each other erode away over time and the gears of love for each other just stop turning , cheating or infidelity may happen , or just a complete breakup or divorce.

im a child of a divorced couple who ended up splitting because my mom cheated on my dad. before my dad had found out what my mom had done , their relationship was dwindling because all i can gather is they weren't feeling very close anymore. my dad says it got to the point that they’d be texting each other from opposite ends of the same couch instead of talking. my mom is remarried since 2015 , and my dad has been struggling to find and keep a relationship. he came very close to proposing again , but they ended up splitting.

i dont know what it feels like when love just doesn't work out. ive seen it though ; both times my dad had to split with someone , it caused him major depression , especially when he had to part from my mom. he had disappeared for a while and my uncle watched us , i can only assume he had left because what the divorce had done to him. he drank more ((not to the point of alcoholism but almost)) and smoked more , and my mom smoked more too. she seems to regret her actions , and stopped smoking about a year prior to getting remarried.

but to be honest , i dont even know what it feels like when love does work out. ive explained times that ive had crushes on people to friends last year , only having crushes exactly three times. my friends said that these were more “squishes” instead of crushes , as i was not comfortable with the idea of ever marrying or dating those who i had crushes on. it wasn't feelings of romance , even if it felt like it. i just liked someone a lot.

ive only confessed once , and it was to my closest friend. it felt like genuine feelings of romance. i wanted to spend the rest of my days with him , and if i may be honest , the idea of him ever finding and dating someone hurts my soul a little.

when i confessed , he said no. i remember i was hurt by that for a bit , and sometimes i feel sad when i recall that our relationship is strictly platonic friends. we say i love you to each other , but with the platonic tone indicator. sometimes , i wish i could say it without the tone indicator and be able to call each other sweet names.

but at the same time , im glad he said no. i dont know how love works. the very idea of dating , marriage , and always being with the same person for the rest of your life makes me uncomfortable , as well as anxious and confused. i do not understand how dating works , at what point marriage is considered , how deeply in love you have to be to want to marry , how you dont get tired of your partner when living with them for the rest of both of your lives , etc. etc. etc.

even lately , when ive been feeling very alone and wishing i had a partner , i dont think id be happy if i did have one because i dont understand or really...feel love.

what is dating?

is it cuddling or other types of physical affection? but what if im not comfortable with being touched? what then?

is it going out? but what qualifies as going out? is it the fancy dinner shown in shows and movies , or is it just basic outings like to a fun store or a walk downtown or the movies?

is it just hanging out next to each other at home or somewhere? but certain things have to qualify as a date right?

what is marriage?

when do you decide you love each other so much to the point of wanting to marry?

what is it like to live the rest of your life with someone else? do you not get tired of their company? do you simply get used to it? do you do anything to have small breaks away from each other? but if you are spending time away from your spouse , does anyone then think the relationship is unhealthy and going downhill?

when do you decide you love each other so much to have a child?

there's so much to love that i dont understand.

not to mention , besides my lack of understanding much about love , the idea of cheating , divorce , or something happening to my partner has partially frightened me out of trying to find someone. additionally , you never know who you will meet. ending up in an abusive or controlling relationship has also kept me at bay from seeking somebody. i already have enough trauma to bear on my shoulders , if im being perfectly honest...i dont want anything added to that...

i feel silly as i type this , because as i said earlier , i have been desiring a partner lately , and confessed to my closest friend a couple years ago and sometimes wish we could be something. three times , ive had people confess to me , only for me to turn them down because i am not comfortable with being in a relationship. i keep going back and forth with myself if i would truly be happy in a relationship , and its even led to me questioning my own identity - i identify as aroace.

the asexual part has held true and will continue to hold true for the rest of my life. but...with my thoughts and feelings on love , especially lately where they seem like they're changing , im not certain i can still identify as aromantic...

it seems to wane. sometimes , i desperately want a partner and feel quite lonely and jealous whenever i see a couple. other times - and most times - i feel happy by myself , and do not feel comfortable ever being in a relationship with someone. i feel quite annoyed whenever my family tells me ill change my mind or i will eventually find somebody.

i want someone to love me , but i never want to be in a relationship with them. does that make sense? i wouldnt mind being loved and loving someone else , but i would want the relationship to remain platonic or simply just friends.

none of this may make sense. i wish i could explain it all better , but i dont exactly know how to describe my feelings on love too well.

it's just my very skewed view on love.

[babythegod]

Remember when I was 16 and my cousins kept getting pregnant so you woke me up out of my sleep to accuse me of being with child, beat me with a broom then called the police on me &I wasn’t even sexually active. I had to cover my black eye with make-up during thanksgiving festivities or when we actually still lived with Monterra &you hit me with a pool stick before school (for getting “smart”) so I tried to stab a knife into my wrist vein (where my ankh tattoo is now because I was sick of looking at the scar) or when nobody gaf after lil bro busted my lip wide open cause I said he “acts like our dad” or when I lost my cat and you lied and told him I was trying to assault you so he came into my room and abused me as you watched proudly from the doorway. Fun times 😻

Kinda an excerpt : from my upcoming book :

The Calling.

“I still cry for that teenager that was left with an ultimatum that would unknowingly change the trajectory of her entire life and leave me scarred and traumatized for years. When I told my dad “NO!” I didn’t want to live with him as he threw my mom out of our family home , I didn’t realize at the time that I was choosing death. I meant NO ! I want all of this to end now. NO! can we fix it ? NO ! Let’s press rewind …My innocence was killed that night &I lost everything I ever knew to be true. I had always felt the absence of love but then safety vanished as well. No one ever asked me if I was ok . No one. Not once. I began to look for home in all the wrong people and places. Both of my parents swear they did “their best” with me but the way my brothers were and still are treated , I know that’s not valid. I was denied child support my entire teenage years while everyone else received lavish new clothing &designer shoes , I would get berated if I ever tried any piece of my moms wardrobe on. I remember hearing “YOUR DAD GIVES ME $600 A MONTH, ALL FOR FAT” an innumerable amount of times. So I would walk to this bootleg cd/dvd/ women’s apparel store called “Hot Girls” every single day after school begging the owner to let me work there. It’s lowkey so funny cause it was right across from the police station and he was pirating his ass off 😹😹😹 He finally agreed and I made $5 an hour , from 4-8 , when I got off the bus I would go straight there &all day Saturday. He was closed on Sundays. $70 -$120 cash under the table every week is what helped me survive. Now that I think back , Seven was really the only father figure I had as a teen. He was a skinny weird little dude from Hollygrove. We would always fuss cause I was a product of my circumstances and he was Dwayne PONCHO Eli, I still don’t really know why people called him Seven but he always told me “you’re not country like most Kenner people, you’re different 😹” I am so thankful for him because I could’ve got lost in the streets like most abandoned young ladies do. I worked there until I was 18 &was able to find real employment. “

The main reasons I can never bond with my father still to this day; 1. Our relationship was never fostered. 2. While working at my job I purchased a white pair of shorts , that were too tight and skimpy , I admit. But I just thought they were fly at the time. I couldn’t have imagined that Instead of buying your daughter new clothes you’d rather wish rape upon her , vocally in front of our entire family in my grandparents house. No one even batted an eye. No one addressed his cruelty. My dad must be a wizard because his evil wish eventually came true in 2015/2016, my senior year in college I was assaulted in my own apartment. I went into denial, dropped out with only 6 credits left. I honestly believe; Sire &the Holy Spirit saved my life. I would not know love if it wasn’t for Christ.

The things I am still struggling to forgive, but can never forget.

The hate u give little infants fucks everyone …

[pbandjesse]

I just finished listening to the second season of limetown. And it was great. I want to read all the thoughts now even though it came out in 2015/2018. I love it.

Today was a really good day. The rain made the sky just so beautiful. The rain made all the trees bloom a ton!! It really feels like it all happened at once.

It rained last night too. We knew it was going to rain but we weren't sure when. When James got home wasted up for a little while but pretty soon we were both ready to get some sleep. It was very humid. But around 3:00 a.m. we got woken up by the sky opening up and just buckets of rain falling. There was thunder and lightning and the rain was coming in the windows. My tablet and my phone were getting wet! So we both had to get up and close everything. And then went back to sleep.

I would sleep until about 9:30. And I didn't really want to be awake but I knew that I wouldn't feel very good if I kept sleeping.

So I got up and I made the bed and I got dressed. My hair felt weird. So I stuck my head under the faucet and that helped a lot. I think my hair felt weird from the humidity. Because it wasn't raining when I got up but throughout the day it would be storming. Very large raindrops too.

I made breakfast and it was pretty good. I vacuumed and I did some more cleaning. But because I did all that work yesterday that wasn't a ton that I had to do. And I am still feeling a little paralyzed with this commission. I'm hoping to get some started tomorrow at least for the sample. I hate that I feel this way about it because I just want to do a good job so I can give it to her. But it feels very much like I'm being judged against machine work and that scares me. I will get it done but it is definitely going to be hard for me.

I spend the morning mostly just hanging out and chilling with sweet pea. I went out on the fire escape and put plant food and everything because I knew it was going to rain and I thought that that would be a good time for it. And I got all of my stuff together for my program today. James had brought down a lot of the stuff to the car yesterday but I had to pull out my poster and then I was just chilling on the couch for a while.

Dad called me and we had to figure out how to get my email off of his cable account. And it was a whole mess because the link they sent him didn't do anything and I had to actually Google how to get into the account because when you log in from the page that they sent us it didn't do anything. And it was a nightmare. And then I had to try to walk him through making a Gmail account and then that didn't work so then I had to just make it myself and then walk him through logging into it. But we figured it out and it only took 45 minutes. I have the patience of saint.

Once I got off the phone with him I chilled for a little bit longer before getting myself together and heading to the car. It was about an hour drive to Camp Letts and I was a bit nervous because I had never been there before.

But it ended up being a really excellent drive. Besides the few small moments where are the rain was coming down so hard that you can barely see and so everyone around you was driving stupid. I mostly just had a good time. I listen to music and just really enjoyed myself.

When I got to the camp I wasn't exactly sure where to go. This is a much different laid out camp than mine. But I followed the path and halfway down there was a sign that said just one mile to go! This camp was a really far from its main road. It took me 7 minutes to drive from the road to the camp parking lot. But it was beautiful.

I was jealous that their camp is on a lake but their pool is not as nice as us. And I texted Jessica to let her know I was there.

But she did not answer me. And I wasn't exactly sure where to go. She had sent me a map but she highlighted the picnic tables and there was no one at the picnic tables. So I waited in the parking lot for a little while. But the thunder was very close and it wasn't raining yet but I did not want to get rained on. So I asked why staff member that I saw walking past and they were like oh you're here for arts and crafts come over here. But it turned out that was a John Hopkins group that was over in that building so I went back and they told me oh no go to the boathouse you're on the second floor! And so I headed over there and it was a sorority.

So I was a little confused and a little upset that I didn't know where I was supposed to be. But then one of the other women that Jess works with saw me and came over. I didn't recognize her because her hair was tied up. But she found me and brought me to the correct building. And we decided that because it was a little stuffy inside and it was nice out We would do our project on the porch. So I set up everything and it was good. Everything was really calm.

And a continued to be that way. These were just lovely kids. Oh my god they were so nice. I had planned for 18 of them but there was only 10. And they sat on the ground with me and listen very intently to all of my instructions. And I just thoroughly enjoyed working with them. Some of them were a little stumped on what to draw. I encourage them to do words and I did bubble letters for a few of them. And they just worked. All of them did something. No one exactly finished in the 45 minutes that they had to work. So the ones that didn't finish at the end I let keep the hoops and just said that she'll bring them back to me at some point. I'm not in any rush to get them back I have lots of hoops now. And I just had really nice conversations with them and I worked on my own thing while they worked on theirs and I troubleshooted with them and Jess was an excellent helper as she has been with every art program that we've done together so far. It was a good time.

We also had a pretty funny moment when a lizard came up out of the deck and scared the absolute shit out of one of the children. And it was very funny but then the lizard was just hanging out in the sun. And eventually it came over and climbed onto one of the children and we started saying that he was the chosen one. It was very silly. It was a really good time though. And honestly it makes me even more excited for camp this year. I hope that I can have moments like that more often. Just getting to do work with the kids and just make a little community again.

I stayed a little bit later than we had originally planned. Which was fine with me because I was having a great time. They invited me to stay for dinner but I knew I wanted to get home and see James before they went to the theater again tonight. So I cleaned up and said goodbye. They all said thank you and then I was off.

The sky was so beautiful. It was my favorite kind of sky. It had the bright bright sun on the leaves but behind it was a dark dark sky. It's absolutely my favorite type of weather. And I got to enjoy it for a few minutes before it opened up again and was pouring. It was actually a little scary for a few minutes there. Could barely see. But it would clear up again and people weren't driving too bad. And I didn't have any traffic issues on the way home. I just got to drive back and I got here a little before 5:00.

James was upstairs and I was very happy to see them. I asked if they could make spaghetti for dinner again and they would and then we would hang out on the couch together. Told each other about our days. And just rested a little. But soon they were leaving again and I was alone.

I didn't do much tonight. I hope Jess makes an outfits. I hung out with sweet pea. I took a bath. I listen to the rest of my podcast and played games on my phone because I'm trying to beat all the levels. My allergies are bothering me a little bit but I'm trying to leave my nose alone. I don't want it to start bleeding. I feel like it's going to start bleeding if I blow it too hard.

Tomorrow I have my art with a heart classes and Callie is supposed to come over so I can show her what to do for our apartment while we're away. Because she's being lovely enough to watch it for us. And I hope to do some kind of art. Get some kind of embroidery laid out because my plan for the week is to try to do the entire commission on Friday. Is that smart? I don't know? But I would at least want to have the color choice from Rosia by then so I could get started on Friday because Friday and Saturday next week I don't have as much stuff to do. So in theory I should have some time to work on it. Let's hope. I just feel like I've been overwhelming myself a lot lately. And the jobs are one thing but adding things on around it was not bright. I barely had time to work on anything for my store and I really wanted to get stuff set up before the market started when we get back from our honeymoon. And there's just no time for it anymore. I'll make it work. I always make it work but it is hard.

James should be home in the next hour. And then we will go to sleep. Let's hope tomorrow is an excellent day. I hope you have a good day and that you are staying safe. Good night everybody.

[halcyon-digest]

2015

Art Klaudt: Visiting the island of Barra and listening to Destroyer/Hex Enduction Hour/The Del Byzanteens/Twin Fantasy on the way there/back

Anonymous 1: unknown

ava: getting obsessed with the a cappella group pentatonix. joining a twitter fandom for the first time to talk about pentatonix. staying in bed all throughout the end of that summer just watching every music video, vlog, live performance, etc they ever put out. starting high school and getting so excited when pentatonix (or their offshoot superfruit) would release new youtube videos because they would always go online right as my final study hall period of the day was coming to an end. pentatonix were my first contemporary obsession; it was a whole new feeling. it was an enormous event in my life when they put out their first fully original album that fall. the excitement i felt was unparalleled. plus their existence in the internet era (compared to my usual preference for 20th century rock bands) meant there was just heaps and heaps of stuff for me to watch and listen to and analyze and absorb into my being. i can’t even describe how much pentatonix meant to me that year.

kate: I graduated from college and was still clinging to this lab job I had on campus while I tried to figure things out. My boyfriend at the time's parents had offered to let me live at his house (with them) since I could no longer live on campus, until I could find an apartment or a job back in my hometown. But uh... I didn't really. His mom was really judgemental and controlling, even though she would be outwardly nice to me, and I could tell my presence was annoying her but my ex kept insisting it was ok. There were a couple times when she cracked and threw a big tantrum. Once was on his dad's birthday. She would say the most targeted yet indirect things to get under his and my skin, and it would escalate over the course of the evening to full on screaming at him later. I didn't know what to do except to walk out to the curb and cry and think about throwing myself in front of a car. It was traumatizing. But she had her own trauma going on, and abusive exes and even crazier sisters, and there was this whole drama while I lived there and his grandfather was dying that was just awful for everyone involved. Anyways in November everything came to a head and she threw a massive fit that culminated in kicking him and me (his "liberal-ass girlfriend") out. I remember packing and feeling weirdly calm, like the fear had pushed past some limit and saturated and become nothing. I stayed at a labmate's apartment that night and for the next couple days, quit my job and moved home. I tried to pay his mom $600 for letting me stay as long as she did but she didn't accept it. I accidentally left a box of my dad's records there in my hurry to get out. And he broke up with me a week after my birthday in 2016. So it goes.

Anonymous 2: school picture day i  had a really fucked up dye job because i tried to make my hair pink without any help and i did not bleach it nearly enough to go a color that light. i was wearing a grey shirt with flowers on the arms

Lucas: I remember watching some political content on YouTube

Anonymous 3: Walking on the hill with my mother, it was warm and windy, I was the most suicidal I'd ever been, waiting for sertraline to start working, and I had to tell her how scared I was that I was going to die, and had to ask her to help me, even though the knowledge that I was making her have knowledge that her child was suicidal was an even worse feeling than being acutely suicidal

Anonymous 4: Joining my schools weekly tv broadcast (just about school news)

Anonymous 5: Though maybe that happened in this year. Logging onto a now defunct social media site

superswag: Second memory, watching qubo, and being an tablet baby

v0w0v: Playing games online and in person with my ex and his friends. We were in a ranked league of legends team that did pretty well and would play DnD on weekends. One of them was really rich and had peacocks in the backyard. One of the peacocks was named Kevin Bacon. I remember near the end of summer we all went jetskiing on the rich friend's property and I got too excited with the sharp turns and launched myself into the water.

Anonymous 6: Looking online and learning what transgender is from an online post, realising I felt weird about being male.

Anonymous 7: calling someone a cunt for the first time because they smacked an ice cream out of my hand during lunch.

binnie: Super Smash Bros 4... The most I enjoyed school up to this point was definitely playing this game during lunch, it was filled with such excitement even if it was fairly routine for one kid in particular to win all the time.

Anonymous 8: Getting into my first relationship, although it was a short one.

April M. Mildew: I was in bed after watching skeptic atheist debunking videos with a smug look on my 12 year old face and then I for the first time I considered the idea that I would die and there would be "nothing" and that it would just end. I shook with fear. I had to get rid of the blanket I slept with because it was causing the thoughts.

[lizardlicks]

I came out on the worst possible way imaginable.

See way back in 2015 I had already figured out that I was queer, but at the time I was really easy to read as straight and cis. I made the consciousness choice not to come out, not from any fear of repercussion, but because I thought I could do better work for the community as an ally.

I posted on face book a lot. My family are all conservatives, but not the frothing at the mouth extremist kind. They vote part ticket because that's what they've always done. The very lukewarm milk and white toast kind of every day people who still believed the party lies of republicans being the good and moral party who would stand up for working class middle America.

Trump was running for office but it didn't look like his numbers were doing all that good. I had lots of long, thoughtful conversations with friends and extended family. I did the work to post informative links with sources. It seemed like I was actually reaching people.

And then Trump won the election. I watched my queer friends panic. My disabled friends talked about finding homes for their pets so that they could kill themselves with a guilt free conscience because they expected the ACA to be gutted, which would mean a slow, lingering death for them anyway. I spent hours in DM's talking several people down from the edges of dispair, begging then not to give up hope yet.

I dragged my exhausted ass into work the next morning with zero sleep and a pounding head, and spent the next eight hours getting nothing done because I feared coming home to the news that someone I care about might have already thrown in the towel while I was stuck out of reach. When I did log on, I saw one of my conservative family members posts. Something about the losing team should be a good sport, it's not the end of the world and better luck next time. I lost it.

I came out in a facebook rant. "I'm trans and queer," I said. "Know that if you voted red, you voted to kill me. That is not hyperbole. You voted for people who want me dead and my family torn apart. No one is acting like a sore loser, we're acting scared for our lives because we are, and we have convincing evidence to be. The next time you want to talk to me about how you voted because of xyz issue, look me in the eye and remember that was more important to you than me and my friends being alive."

My conservative family didn't say much. My dad replied saying that if anyone went after me he'd kill them... Which a nice sentiment, but missed the point entirely because guns don't stop structural bigotry. He then sent me a blatantly biased oped about how no Pence wasn't REALLY opposed to gays, you guys, chill out!

My spouse's family were a bunch of old school liberals and autistic weirdos. They rallied and sent me so much support, with my mother in law being the loudest. I miss her so much-- not a day went by between then and her last day where she wasn't sending me some uplifting news article or something super gay that she found.

I don't regret coming out. I wish I had done it sooner. It probably wouldn't have made a difference, but at the minimum, hiding who I really was had been so pointless and tedious. If you haven't yet, don't feel like you have to. Coming out is not a required part of the queer narrative. You need to do what's in your best interest for being safe and happy. But my god if it hurts you, don't cut yourself down to fit something more palatable. It's not worth it.

[citybythebayvisions]

Sunday April 26th, 2015

So seventeen wasn’t my best year...

Nowadays I know that it was far from my worst. The running around I did at fifteen and eighteen wore on me rougher, but as much as I hate to ‘cause they sting something brutal, at least I can think about those years. They were so consequential to my life that I’ve been forced to reflect and analyze them enough and I’ve found that, for all of the faults in my teenage chase for purpose, I at least had the energy to keep driving even when the road I put myself on was dangerously steep and rocky. With and without the substance, I was so fucking alive! I wanted to be, so much so that I was capable of saving myself by pulling off those sharp U-Turns from the edge on a dime and channeling my energy in much better and healthier ways. That’s why sixteen and nineteen were my best years during my teens: I worked as hard as I possibly could in every area of my life to cleanse myself of all that chaos I’d stirred and, while the cleanse might not have lasted forever like I wholeheartedly believed it would every time, at least it lasted long enough to bless me with the greatest gift of all when I made it to twenty.

Who, by the way, still isn’t home yet.

But he’s not and...I guess the only reason I have for why he should be is that I’m home before he is. He gets off at nine and has to take the train because I don’t get off until after eleven sometimes and now it’s after midnight…

And yeah, I know I know; Bayview might as well be the boonies, but I would’ve heard from him if it was a three-hour delay. 

Nah, I’ve got him figured out. He’s out with his friends again, and I really hope he gets back before this Adderall fully wears off because y’know, I’d like to see my son for more than fifteen minutes before the crash hits — Jesus Christ, it’s already started. I’ve gone from trying to do something totally different to going back in time to when Jason was born, but only because I hate thinking about when I was seventeen and I wish the jingle of his keys would rattle me out of it — but I don’t.

So we’re back to the year of Sabotage... 

Man, that really song put it all into perspective for me and it’s probably since I played it to death more than MTV did ‘cause shit... ‘94 blasted it’s way in with the same sheer force as that guitar riff and it left me on my knees begging and screaming to God, Jesus, and whoever else could hear me up there in the big blue sky above with the same guttural “Why?” Why did that vile piece of shit have to violate her? Why did he do it again? Why did I have to keep getting beat to a fucking pulp? Why did my dad have to do that to me? Why did my own fucking father want to hurt me so badly that I had to have surgery and recover in a hospital for an entire week? Why did I have to be muzzled like a dog for eight weeks? Why couldn’t the painkillers numb all of my pain? Why did I have to be so terrified all of the time? Why did I want to be alive? Why was everything and everyone I loved on the verge of being destroyed? Why did everything feel so chaotic and depressing for the entire world to suffer too? Why did every day feel like the worst was yet to come? Why did the year have to be so fucking violent? Why? 

There were answers to these questions, but I didn’t receive them immediately. It took years, decades even, to get the pieces together or begin to accept the few of them that were lost forever, but that initial aftershock only made me ruminate in my teenage existentialism further. I drove myself so insane that by the time my birthday came around, I was so drained that I didn’t want to do a damn thing to celebrate. I remember it was a Saturday and I didn’t have to, so this was the one year where dozing off while watching something as shitty as my free rental of Coneheads—fuck I think I’m the only one who watched that awful movie—was as crazy as I wanted to get. What the hell else was there to look forward to? My jaw was wired shut! I couldn’t open my mouth any more than a centimeter or two, so cake was out of the question and I was sick of my vanilla pudding and applesauce diet...

So thank God for birthday cake shakes.

Right around the time I’d drank my birthday dinner of chicken broth that I was also tired of and decided to call it a day, there was this loud, excited, knock on the back door. I didn’t wanna move, but I had to get up to answer my friends, who rallied me out of my self sabotaging defiance to go and get myself one. They literally threatened that they wouldn't leave the back porch if I didn’t do it, ‘cause they were that determined to not let my bullshit deter me from feeling a little better like only the best of friends do just ‘cause they love you and want to bring some light into your shittiest days. It’s the one memory that makes thinking back on the day tolerable, really. At least I’m able to recognize myself there, laughing through the painkillers in a Denny’s booth with my girl tucked underneath my arm and my best friend right across from me. The Pavement tickets he got me were the ultimate mood booster too. The first time I saw them, when crooked rain was all that seemed to fall.

See, that’s the thing; through it all, at least my friends were along for the ride with me. We tried to have fun— looking back, there’s some good times that I can’t believe happened in the midst—but we all had things we wanted that were just out of reach that kept us from enjoying anything as wholly as we were used to. All I knew is that I wanted real freedom, some agency I could use, and I couldn’t have it for another year— more like two since that’s when she could have hers and I was starting to wonder long term about us and where we might be. I was thinking long term about everything and so was Eric, who was in his own crisis since he was about to enter senior year and had to start applying to other colleges. UCLA didn’t work out because of how badly we screwed up our grades in sophomore year and he was knocked out of sorts for the entire summer about being back at square one. It sucked for him since that was his dream school, and I thought it was pretty unfair, but I was happy he was at least on the board somewhere with a plan. College not being my thing was the only answer I had; I was totally aimless and no amount of joints we smoked or mushrooms we did that summer gave me the otherworldly answers I wanted to break through it — though they sure helped me feel better about it. It all worked out, of course, but we were too blurred by our own transitions that we couldn’t see it yet. 

My point is that I get it, Jason. I get why you’re still gone. Seventeen was the first year I never wanted to be home either. My friends were my family and I needed them ‘cause they got me in a way that my parents couldn’t. 

The way I can’t reach him now. 

Look, Jason and I are some real studies in contrast, but I’ve always appreciated and admired how different he is from me. Being the quiet kid who stays in and keeps to himself like he is would’ve saved me from so much trouble when I was younger and he spares me a lot of worry that I know that I gave my mom. He can’t exactly steal my car keys when he doesn’t even care to learn how to drive, much less come stumbling in high and shitfaced when he shuts himself in his room and rarely leaves. I’ve never worried about him ditching school either — shit, he does so well that when he goes somewhere for lunch, it’s called open campus privileges and not skipping lunch period like it was for us back in the day. They’d let him walk out the door and blow him a kiss goodbye before ever screaming down my phone about truancy. I wouldn’t blame them. He’s such a good kid. A miracle of one, I swear. I know more about what he doesn’t do than what he does, but if he’s not doing anything reckless it shouldn’t concern me, right?

Well...it didn’t until it did. I’m happy he keeps himself safe, but all the isolation he subjected himself to back home wasn’t great for him either. I don’t think I saw him leave the apartment more than a few times the entirety of the last few summers outside of going and getting cigarettes—fuck, I wish he’d quit that habit now. There’s worse things he could’ve picked up at fifteen, but geez...he smokes worse than a chimney. 

Where was I? 

Oh right, Jason being elusive about his friends. So when he moved here and started going out on weekend nights, I was ecstatic! It relieved me, because I really wasn’t sure how well he was going to handle this move. He’d lived in the same place for years — the closest thing to a childhood home he'd ever had — and never ever moved out of Oakland before. Outside of my extended stay at Corcoran's best crossbar motel, I’d never done it either— that’s so fucking wild to think about. To know that before February, the closest I ever came to getting him out of that city was the Emeryville border and that was when he was a newborn. The moment I moved out of my parents house when I was only a few months older than him now, eighteen and even more aimless, leaving the city for good is one of the only things I wanted to do. There were so many places between here and Texas that I drove by and could’ve started instead. It took me two days to get there that summer. I was always daydreaming on that route and found myself paying more attention to the houses than the road sometimes. Not like anybody was out there to notice, or nag and shoot my possibilities down. Far removed from the route, I still wonder about it, if range life would’ve made it all turn out different. I betcha it would. 

But she was coming back to California at the end of that summer and I couldn’t leave her, then I had a dealer and decent supply, then not too much later I had a probation officer who wouldn’t let me leave the state, then I was broke, then we had a kid and we had jobs and then Jason was already enrolled in school and then...well...I checked in. When I checked out, I was at the mercy of the first apartment with two bedrooms that would accept a felon and rescue us from that cramped studio she’d resorted to on Telegraph Avenue after we lost our place by the lake. 41st Street stuck and when I checked out again, I was so happy to be free that I didn’t want to go anywhere if I didn’t have to. Then I had to...

Different neighborhoods can feel a lot like different cities; the border was a lot different than the ‘burbs I grew up in and downtown Oakland was another fucking world in comparison, so San Francisco is a different universe entirely. Always was a totally different attitude here and that’s grown even more drastic than I remember. I never spent too much time over here — not from a lack of wanting to or anything, there wasn’t much of a need. When we were kids we’d hop the train or get a ride if there was something we really wanted to see, then when we were adults our trips unfortunately became less about stores and sneaking into concerts at the Civic Center and more about which clubs and bars to sell in and getting quick rock hookups while we were at it so we wouldn’t have to wait for our Oakland guys to cross to light up. Everything’s always been so much more expensive over here that, in all my moving plans, I never thought it’s where we’d wind up. Prior to this, I only knew of Bayview ‘cause of Candlestick. It’s getting torn down now because Levi’s got completed in Santa Clara and last year’s World Series champions moved to a new park years ago. I didn’t really think much about it while scrolling through Apartments.com, I just cared about the cheapest listings that could get us in the quickest, but anytime I pass by the rubble, the sense of nostalgia made me feel something for a place that I haven’t in a long time — belonging. 

I think Jason felt it too. Within less than two weeks of starting his new school, he put all my worries about adjusting at ease — even if it meant him suddenly staying out downtown ‘til two in the morning. After everything he’s been through, I’m not about to get on him for missing curfew or whatever. He’s never had one and wouldn’t take it seriously if I suddenly decided to start one now anyway. And I don’t really want to.  If he finally found some people worth spending so much time with and he’s happy, I don’t want to do anything to mess that up. 

Thing is, my parents at least saw my friends…and at least heard me mention them by name in my rambles, which Jason hasn’t. All I know is that he’s out with them a lot lately, and I seriously might start thinking they’re imaginary if he doesn’t get the slightest bit more specific—

There’s the sound I want to hear.

Keys are jingling in the door and I get up off the couch to—oh shit, I lost? That’s what I was doing! Playing pool on my phone…’til I dozed off and the screen went black and lit up when I moved. Damn...

Whatever, I’ll pick up from it later. Kiddo’s finally home.

“Jason! Hey…” 

“Hey…” He closes the door with his back, ‘cause  there’s a paper bag that he’s holding in his arms. 

“Oh, you went to the store! What’d you get?” 

“It’s orange juice. We werr...out, so I bought some…” He replies, out of breath and sounding as exhausted as he looks. He must’ve walked a mile with this thing lugging him down. I don’t know why! I know he needs it to take with his vitamins, but Christ...an entire carton? 

“Geez, Jason. You didn’t have to do that! I could’ve gotten it in the morning…”

“Yeah, well lit was on the...on the way, so...I got it. A lil’silly to worry about it now... don’t you think?”

“I guess. Just want you to keep it in mind for next time, that’s all.” 

For that anyway. All I can focus on is that he’s still standing there holding the brown bag and...why? I’m not in his way or anything. Go put it in the fridge already, Jason! The faster you put it in the fridge, the faster you can crash! 

And then it dawns on me that I’m equally as stuck standing here looking at him and what the fuck am I doing that for? He just walked a mile and his arm has to be sore and numb from carrying a cold bag for so long. You know how it is coming in that exhausted. Help him!

“C’mon, let me help you with that. Here,” I go over to him, arms out so he’ll hand me the bag and go lay down like I know he’s dying to. 

But the paper crumples. He clutches tighter on the silly thing while shaking his head and I sigh at myself in frustration. Shit, I could’ve approached him a little quieter; he’s so tired that his eyes are beyond bloodshot and….glassy, like he’s been…

Wait a sec...he hasn’t been drinking, has he? 

No! What am I thinking? He hates booze! He always complains about the smell making him sick! Why would he even think to try it?  

But why else does he look like that? Or be slurring?

And refuse to give me the bag?

 “Are you... okay?” I ask slowly. My hand’s frozen in the air, waiting for him to thaw. 

“I’m fine...” He tells me, but his entire face has gotten a lot more red and blotchy in a matter of seconds, “M’just hot...thatsall. Don’t…don’t you think it’s hot in here? I’m sweltering.” 

He tugs on the collar of his windbreaker but he doesn’t hand me the bag or set the damn thing down to actually take it off and that really quirks my brow.  

“...No?”

He lets out a huff and yeah...gum only works for a little bit, kiddo. It’s there. The smell of liquor is still there.

Christ. 

He keeps chewing on it though. Hell, he’s chomping on it even faster. “What…are you waiting up for?…Are y o u alright?” 

“I’m sober.”

A bitter smile twists on me when I tell him that. It’s what he really wanted to know, but it’s clearly the answer we both don’t need to hear tonight. It’s burning his stare; he wanted me to be higher than a kite so I’d forget this sight and never say anything of it to him again — God, how I wish he were right. I wish that I would’ve never known about whatever happened here until he was sober and be so deafened by the ring in my ears that I couldn’t hear his fuming breathing. 

But I can’t ignore it. 

“And I was waiting because I wanted to make sure you made it back—”

“You can’t be serious.”

I sigh and put my hand on his shoulder to show him I am, “Not that I thought that you wouldn’t, I just...wanted to see you. Make sure you’re not just a blur…”

He opens his lids after a moment, looking less pissed. He still won’t talk.

So I switch gears, “Where were you after work, Jason?” 

“The store.” 

“Before that.” 

“Nowhere.” 

“Yeah, now we are, but the booze on your breath came from somewhere!” My hand flies off of his shoulder and sticks up in the air. His eyes look all big again, and that makes me more exasperated. What is he so shocked for? Did he really think I wouldn’t notice?! 

No… no he didn’t. I never did and I should be lucky that he’s not laughing in my face like the cocky little shit I used to be. He’s somewhat sober enough to be serious, a little shameful, even. His eyes are droopy…

“You can’t pull a fast one on me. I caught you too red eyed. You’re drunk.” 

—“Tipsy.”  

“Tipsy…there we go! See Jason, that’s all I want. That’s all I’ve been wanting. You don’t have to lie to me! You know you don’t need to…” 

His eyes screw shut again, and I keep going because I need him to hear me, hear that I’m not mad, he’s not in trouble, that I don’t care that he went out—or that I do but I’m not going to call up his buddies’ parents and rat on them or something silly like that. I don’t know their numbers! All I want to know is where he wasn’t.

But my own words start sounding more garbled and distant to me when I hear him start swallowing down hard. At first I guess he’s getting rid of the gum but he gulps again and again harder, each accompanied by a faint whine in his throat. 

Oh shit…there he goes.

Hand flying up to his mouth, he shoves the bag into my chest, leaving me to clutch onto it while he stumbles towards the sink. It’s heavy and bulky and kinda cold and…yep, definitely a Minute Maid carton. 

“I didn’t think you were lying about the bag!” I exclaim as I set the juice down on the table, because I didn’t…entirely. I don’t know why I said that to him though, it won’t make him feel better. Nothing I say will. His head is down in the sink, drowning me out by the tinny echoes of his heaving and puking. At least he must’ve had some meat for dinner, because I wince as I see red chunks cover the steel sink basin and I feel bad. He can’t help it.

It just never gets easier watching him. 

I never had the chance to get used to it, really. You can’t nurse your kid back to health from 200 miles away. I can’t tell you how awful it was to hear his strained voice struggling through bronchitis to talk to me over the phone, or to hear the report over the line about how rough a night he had every winter when he caught a stomach bug from school and stuck in a cell instead of being there to help him.

His shoulders sink while he grips the edge of the metal, my own hand curling tighter into my arm. Reaching out will startle more than soothe him, he’ll just swat me away. 

Watching is all there’s left to do. 

Jason’s had it really rough lately. He started worrying me when we were trying to move with how winded he’d get trying to lift things into the U-Haul. We were trying to move this dresser that didn’t have drawers and was light enough for the both of us to pick up, and he kept needing to stop after every few feet because he needed to catch his breath. And I know he wasn’t trying to break his way out of it, pure agony screwed up his face every time. He told me he was dizzy, that he’s been really dizzy, and I believed him — he could barely stand up straight! 

I called it a night so he could lay down on the couch and while he tried to sleep I got him an appointment. He was out of school for the move anyway, so they let him come in first thing in the morning. I really wanted to go in with him and find out, maybe get his doctor to persuade him that smoking can’t be helping matters, but I didn’t. He didn’t ask me not to go, and he didn’t need to. I always wanted to go in by myself. He’s almost an adult now, he can handle it — even if I couldn’t. The wait nearly killed me. 

Eventually Jason walked out and slumped over the counter digging in the jar for Dum Dums while his doctor told me that he was probably moderately anemic. Probably as in, she’d already sent up orders for blood tests for us to get done to confirm it. The next place I took him was the lab and she was right! Iron and vitamin deficiency anemia. She said it was from not eating as much of the right things; add more meat and over the counter supplements into his diet and he should be feeling better within a few weeks…

The dizziness did. He quit complaining about it, or maybe it took a backseat to the pills making him nauseous all the time. He really is my son, ‘cause he threw them in the trash just how I threw out Ritalin at the first sign of a side effect after I first took it. He did it right in front of me too, pretty much saying exactly what thirteen year old me told my mom: “I don’t need these, I’m fine without them!”

I wish! 

And I’m glad she fished them out of the can and made sure they were back in my hand time and time again because I needed something. Ritalin wasn’t perfect, but the right dose came as close it was gonna get before Adderall was around. It just took a lot of persistence by my mom and I to get it. Didn’t help that it kept changing as I got older. Two five milligram pills a day that was too much when I was thirteen turned into an okay twenty milligrams a day when I was fifteen and it was all night and day when I switched from twenty five milligrams of Ritalin to the same amount of Adderall. Now that was perfect. I could concentrate without turning into a total zombie, had energy to keep up with a toddler, and still slept well. No doctor will write that script for me now. Too risky! The hurdles I’ve been jumping through to get tens are ridiculous. 

Anyway, Jason wasn’t used to taking pills. Isn’t. He didn’t know how you have to work and experiment with them…even if they are supplements, so I showed him. I got on the phone and got the dose fixed twice…not like that’s much help to him now.

So I’m left to wonder…why would you even risk it? You’re already sick!

Well...I don’t know...why did I? I stood and watched my dad’s battle with it for years to know what happens when you drink too much, and then I forgot all about it whenever I got ahold of the sweet taste of rum. When you’re a kid, you think you and your stomach are invincible until you’re proven wrong one too many times and learn to take it easy. 

At least Jason’s gotten his first one out of the way.

He’s stopped vomiting now and catches his breath for a second. His eyes open to see what landed in the sink…not a good idea, but he’s so familiar with it that he hardly blinks. He just frowns, slowly grabbing the sprayer and trying to wash it out of the sink.

“Don’t worry about that.” I twist the faucet knob back. He pretty much got it all anyway. 

Dropping the sprayer back in the basin, Jason looks over, lost on what to do with his face. It’s a lot, far more than he can wipe away with his hand…

“I’ll get the towels.” 

I rush behind him to pluck the roll off of the table, tucking it under my arm as I walk back. Frown deepening, his head tilts when I rip a couple of sheets off.

“I can get it.” 

I shake my head. 

“Don’t be silly, you’re a mess! Let me.” 

This is my mess too.

Breaking into a shaky sigh, he nods and sticks his chin out for me, like it’s still only strawberry jam stuck there to scrub off. The same sweet little smile twitches from the towel brushing against his cheek too, ‘cause he’s always been ticklish. This was damn near impossible when he was little, I’d usually wind up getting all of it on my shirt from him burying his head there to fight it ‘cause he was laughing so hard and couldn’t sit still. I realize I don't even need to hold onto him now, but he's letting me, he’s really letting me…

“Good.” I whisper after I swipe the last little bits off of his lip, spreading into a wide smile as I cup my palm over his clammy but clean face. 

‘Cause he is. 

None of this changes a thing. It isn’t good; I don’t want him sneaking behind my back to get drunk and I really don’t want him feeling like he has to lie about it, but he isn’t this doomed delinquent…

— “You’ll never see me like this again.” 

His voice is hoarse and hushed, yet this is the clearest he’s sounded all night. 

It’s his apology. 

“Jason…come on. You can’t help being sick.” 

“I can help this.” 

I think my eyebrows would fall off my face if they could go any higher. He’s serious as he can be too, God bless him, and I don’t mean to drag this on, he’s just miserable and is bargaining whatever he can to get it all to end, but…

“You can help being seventeen? Damn, what’s your secret?” I break into a chuckle, hand dropping to pat the satin of his jacket, “That’s what we all said! Your regret is just another rite of teenage passage, kiddo. It sucks, believe me, but… you can’t change it. Standing here feeling guilty’s not gonna make you feel better...”

Especially with how bad he’s started reeling. He blinks hard for a long time, trying to get it back, but it doesn’t do it. His shoulder’s slouched, arm dangling heavier than his breathing, and I have to hold him firmer ‘cause he’s starting to sway.  

“I’m…I wanna sit down.” 

“That would help.” 

I lax my grip when he tries to fumble with it, freeing him to stumble over to his kitchen chair, croaking for the juice once he gets there. 

“One mimosa coming right up.” I smile, but he’s not amused. I guess laughter isn’t the best medicine.

Trazodone is. 

It would get him out of his head and force him to sleep, but you can’t take it after drinking — well you can, I have, but you really shouldn’t. He doesn’t have enough of a tolerance of either to try, so Tylenol PM it is.

I take two out of the bottle and deliver them to him with his glass of lukewarm juice. He doesn’t care, he sips it anyway. Slowly, but that’s okay. He needs to take his time. 

I want to sit across from him, all of my pacing around is probably distracting, but I can’t bring myself to. Not until this is settled, ‘cause if I don’t set the record straight about it now, it’ll keep playing this broken song.

“You know, Jason, sometimes the only way you’ll get to know your limits is by testing them. It’s not always ideal but you live and you learn. Now you know how much your stomach can take and you know to stay away from—”

“Vodka.” He mutters while bringing up his glass. “Half a bottle.”

Half a bottle?!

Takes a hard blink and a grip on the back of the chair to keep me from turning to the sink myself.

 “Jesus…well now you know. And next time you even see vodka, you’re only gonna think about how it had your head in a sink. I know I probably sound lame but I’m serious, it’s a real reflex.”

Just don’t ignore it. 

And I know. If he were sober, there’d be this little curl on his lip, and I’d hear him call me on my shit and question why the same doesn’t apply to me without him even having to save the words. 

Instead he whispers, “I hope.” 

Sure, it’s a rough night and he’s prone to being a little dramatic during his first time in the trenches but shit, he sounds scared. 

Scared that he’ll be sick like me. 

The mere idea of using used to nauseate me so bad when I was good and clean. I’ve been on my hands and knees throwing up just over the thought—the fact— that I’d put that damn dirty pipe in my mouth. It’d be years and I’d start salivating all of a sudden and that was all I could do to purge it.

But now…

It doesn’t matter. Can’t go through all that when you have it there to pick up, when it’s the only thing you have to hold close. 23 years is long enough to acquire the taste. When I light up, I  don’t think about it anymore. Nothing to think about. Nothing to worry about ruining when I’ve already ruined it all. 

I want to grab him, hold on and tell him he shouldn’t be scared. He’s better. He’s so much better. He’ll learn from this, I genuinely believe he will…but mom thought the same about me. I thought the same about me.

 I hope so too.

I’d tell him, but I want him to have the last word. It means more. He has to hope, he has to listen to that fearful voice in his head and let him guide him from this shit, he has to not let this fucking burden be his…

Jason’s eyes are heavier than this tension. He needs to go to bed. 

He pushes himself off the table, this time a little less wobbly when he stands. He might make it there if he goes slow but I don’t know…

“You want some help?” 

“No thank you… I got it.” He says with his palm on the wall, using it as a guide while taking a couple slow steps through the living room. I have to at least let him try, so I pick up his glass, dumping the rest of the juice in the sink. 

About halfway through, he stops in his tracks. 

 “Oh, I almost forgot…” He turns, slouching his back on the wall while he digs around in his pocket for…a skinny white envelope. 

Must’ve went to the bank.

See, this is why Jason is different. There’s no fucking way I would’ve remembered to do that before going out. Stopping to get gas in my car to even  go out was hard enough, much less withdrawing my own money to help my parents with rent.

“Thank you,” I say, sighing to myself as he drops it on the side table. I hate to ask this from him. It’s not right at all, this should be going towards his first car or his first girlfriend or even just some little thing he wants. I need to provide for him, but the move was sudden and this area has gotten so ludicrously expensive that it’s impossible to do it on my own, no matter which way I try. 

But he smiles a little, “You’re welcome. Goodnight.” 

“Goodnight. Sleep tight.” 

I wait, washing the glass until he’s made it to his door and disappears into his room. I’d need a hit to open it with him here.

Need one anyway.

But this money is for fucking rent. I’m not spending my son’s hard earned cash on crack. This is for the roof over his precious sleeping head, not my pathetic addiction. It’s beyond generous ‘cause there’s no fucking way I would’ve given my money up at seventeen, my dad wouldn’t have accepted my help even if I was the only person left on this planet. 

I shouldn’t even open it now, I should wait ‘til Monday when the rental office is open when I can deliver them the check and get it over with. But I should at least count it. It feels kinda thick for what’s usually six one hundred dollar bills…

Because there’s more.

[hopeofitalll]

I remember when 1989 first came out in 2014, I watched the live stream the day before my first day of school. I memorized shake it off (my clean version where I changed the word hella to really for the sake of my parents) the first day. I planned to make one of my parents go with me to target the evening it came out after school since I didn’t drive yet to go buy it. But my dad bought it on his way home from work to surprise me and left it at my dinner place setting and I just. What a happy moment. 2014-2015 was a hard year for me in a lot of ways but 1989 helped me through it and helped my parents connect with me in a lot of ways. 1989tv is reminding me of so many good times, so thank you Taylor

[takasgf]

Continuation under the cut!

> Ok so Morgen goes missing and the announcement gets put up. R.ocket and G.root happened to be in the area and decide to get Morgen back to her parents, for the reward money. They met up, and they try to capture her, but she doesnt fight back and just agrees to go with them. She did want to be free, but impulsively running away from home and getting lost in the literal GALAXY wasnt the best idea afterall. On the way to her planet, she talks a whole lot, like non-stop, mostly to R.ocket because she didnt understand G.root, but she pretty much tells them her entire life story. She is not accustomed to meeting new people yet, so her first social interactions tend to get obnoxious or awkward. R.ocket gets annoyed because she did not shut up for the entire duration of the flight, but does feel a bit of remorse when he brings her back to her parents. It did sound to him like she was being kept isolated and locked up from others, but he couldnt be sure of the extent of that situation. After him and G.root leave, he does keep thinking about her from time to time. I have a really awesome AU in the works, for a situation in which they dont bring Morgen back to Zteamer, but let her join them instead, but thats for another time :3 (the AU i mentioned on my B.arbie redraw post!!)

> Back on Zteamer, Morgen's dad is furious; he cant believe that she ran away, but he is kinda glad to see that she is fine. I mean, the reason he keeps her isolated is to protect her, but the way he goes about it is just not right. To show Morgen what the people from outside are capable of, he orders that her mother is shattered into pieces and her core is put in a glass jar, so that it wont escape. It was a messed up way of saying "Look, this is what the outside world will do to you!". The reason he chose to do that to her mom, was because she also tried to leave the planet one time, and considered it was her fault Morgen ran away. If you wonder, yes, her mom is still alive, its just that now she's a starry floating mass stuck in a jar. They keep her on a shelf. If they open the lid slightly, she can talk to them (she just screams at everyone to let her out the jar😭)

> Morgen is convinced that R.ocket will come back for her one day. She has this spark of hope that she can still escape, in the future. Her dad hires a group of people to befriend Morgen and follow her around the castle and yard, to make sure she's not feeling too lonely. Morgen cant stand them, because they are very superficial and all they do is give her compliments for two hours straight until the paid time runs out and they all go back home. All except... Aeneas.

INTERRUPTING THE STORY to tell you a bit about this Aeneas guy; herez my insta story about it

Ok back

> Aeneas didnt want the job for the money or the novelty of spending time at a castle, he wanted to get close to Morgen. She was happy at first, but eventually realised how awful of a friend he was. He was very condescending towards her, at the same time trying to "win her heart", not because she loved her, but for the reason of getting into the royal family and destroying the monarchy. Morgen DESPISED him, because he never revealed his intentions to her, so he came across as a creepy guy who wouldnt leave her alone.

> As years passed, Morgen had multiple attempts to escape her planet or injure her father, but they were never successful. The worst part, her dad didnt even do much to combat her attempts, he was even oblivious to most, and that hurt her ego because it made her feel weak.

> In 2014/2015, after the events of volume 2 (side note, i had no idea vol 1 and 2 were so close to each other timeline wise😭 explains a lot)) the g.uardians are called on Zteamer by Morgen's father, after the planet had been invaded by some kind of creatures. They had to stay there for a few days, because the creatures keep coming back. This is when R.ocket and Morgen reunite for the first time. They havent forgot about each other, but they havent talked since 2011.

> I wont bore you with all the details for now, but the two had a chance to get closer in those few days. When R.ocket wasnt busy fighting those monsters, he'd hang out with Morgen at the castle. I suppose that's when he saw to what extent she was being isolated, after witnessing the way her father treated her while they were there.

> After they were done fighting the monsters, the g.uardians were getting ready to leave. Morgen pulled R.ocket aside and asked him, as kindly as she could, to take her with him. This was her chance of escape. She could finally be free. He accepted and took her on the ship with him. Of course, Aeneas saw all that and sneaked on the ship himself. The other guardians were worried when they saw Morgen, they've basically kidnapped a princess, even if she asked to be taken with them. They left the planet and went their way. It took a while for Morgen's father to realise she was really gone and board on his only military ship to retrieve her.

> Meanwhile, Aeneas gets out of his hiding and confronts Morgen about running away. He yells at her and insults her quite a lot, creating quite a commotion. Morgen tries to keep calm, but after hearing him say some stuff he shouldnt habe said, she throws him across the room😹 Q.uill has to stop her from hurting him any further, because there wont be any killing on his ship, nuh uh! They drop Aeneas on a random planet and start to prepare in case Morgen's father comes back for her.

This is what i have so far regarding the story line (skipping over details, again), but in essence, Morgen becomes part of the g.uardians' team and continues to develop her friendship with R.ocket :3 and then i.nfinity war happens😅 She survives the snap, which is very fortunate. But that is a story for another time ❤️

Here is the first part of the basic facts, because I have a lot of info and I dont want to overwhelm you all with it all at once😅

> Morgen Krantz is the princess of Zteamer, a fairly polluted planet, isolated in a lone corner in the galaxy. As a species, she is part of the Zteamer people, nicknamed "dolls" by others, due to their porcelain-like skin. They are hollow on the inside, except for a floating starry mass, their "core", that helps them talk, see, move around effectively, pretty much be alive and be able to interact with others.

> Morgen is not allowed to leave her parents' castle and yard. The reason her father gives is that this species is too weak to interact with others, and keeps her isolated to "protect her". Morgen's father, of course, is a human and he is making all that shit up in order to scare the population and remain in power. Will elaborate further later

> Morgen has many hobbies and artistic abilities, since she's been stuck all by herself for the first 17 years of her life. She can paint, cook, sew, she can build trinkets and small weapons out of mechanical parts. Her weapons are always confiscated though. She has a fascination with bugs, due to them being her only "friends" for the most part of her life. Morgen's parents give her anything she asks for, except freedom.

> One time, a ship came to her planet, for business reasons. She was 17 at the time, in 2011. She sneaks onto the ship and flies off with them, leaving her planet for the first time ever. She gets dropped off on a random planet and her father puts up a missing announcement for her to be found and brought back home, for a huge amount of money. I wonder who will find her....?

[archivistbot]

Statement of Vanessa Stine, regarding

a bitter but pleasant conversation with her father. Original statement given September the 10th, 2015. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.

Statement begins.

ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT): My dad was a weirdo. From a family that had moved down to the village of Alcester from up North, he always felt out of place, I think. Whenever we went out to eat, he’d make a reservation with a fake a name, like “Grande” or “Monsieur Pompadour.” He was always making up these stupid jokes that no one else got.

My mom left when I was eleven. She just up and left one day, without even saying goodbye. My dad tried to act like it didn’t bother him, but I could tell it did. He started drinking more and spending more time in his workshop out in the garage.

I remember one time, I came home from school and found him passed out in the workshop. There was this… this thing he was working on. It looked like some kind of machine, but I couldn’t tell what it was supposed to do. I asked him about it later and he just brushed me off, said it was nothing.

But I could tell he was lying.

There was something about that machine… I don’t know what it was, but it scared me. It was this great, big, hulking thing, all wires and metal, and my dad just seemed so small next to it. I had feeling like… like it was alive. Like it was watching me.

My dad would disappear for days at a time, sometimes weeks. He’d say he was going off on one of his fishing trips, but I knew he wasn’t. I think he was going out to work on that machine.

One day, I came home and he was just… gone. His car was still in the driveway, but there was no sign of him anywhere. I called the police, but they never found him. They said he’d probably just run off, like my mom had.

But I knew he wouldn’t have just left me like that.

I think… I think it ate him up in the end. That machine. I think it finally consumed him completely.

Statement ends.

[yourdadsghoulfriend]

This is a sensitive subject but were you in the area when the Pulse Night Club shooting happened? How did that affect you?

So that’s a story.

I had moved to Florida to do the Disney Professional Internship on June 12th 2015. I had competed the internship and while I had hoped to land a full time job working for Disney, the opportunities were slim. I had shared this with my parents and they gave me an ultimatum.

Come back home or get cut off.

I was conflicted. Although I didn’t have an income, Orlando was the first place I was fully out to my friends and chosen family. It was a tough decision, but I shared with them I wasn’t coming back home, I would carve my own path down here, do or die.

One of my gay dads and his boyfriend agreed to put me up in their guest bedroom until I landed on my feet. They took me out on June 11th to celebrate me sticking to my guns and doing what I had to to make it on my own. We went to the world famous (infamous) Parliament House, and danced the night away.

The next morning, June 12th, 2016, I awoke to the texts.

After getting some vague understanding of what happened, I went out into the living room and turned on the TV and watched in horror. Slowly my two hosts woke up from their room and joined.

We soon learned Parliament, as well as other venues we considered were targets. We frantically texted and called. Learned slowly that one friend after another were unaccounted for.

My hosts wanted to join other friends and comfort each other, so I went to one of the hastily organized emergency local blood drives. I volunteered to pass out water, snacks, and waivers to the long, long line of donors.

Confirmed deaths came through. We consoled each other for a moment. We kept moving forward. Our focus was for the unknown number of survivors and supporting them.

In the coming days, weeks, months, and now years we’ve grown and come together more than ever before. Anyone who lived in Orlando before and after will tell you that the compassion and support for the LGBTQ+ community skyrocketed. We are a new Orlando, and better for such a dark time in our history.