#when it came out in 2015 my dad came home from work one day with the good dinosaur and inside out mp4s on his phone

[niadotcom]

going to see inside out 2 with friends tomorrow im so excitedd

[yelenabelovasbxtch]

Crush On An Archer PT.1

a/n: Hey! Omg long time no see! I kinda maybe lost interest in writing for a bit there but tbh I think I'm back. No promises because I don't want to promise and then break your hearts but also I realllyyyy enjoyed writing this and I hope you all enjoy reading it! Will def be making a part two in coming days so stay tuned. LMK if you want to be added to the taglist, I am going to put some tags of past taglists below just in case they are interested in reading :) ALSO! Special shout out to @scmg11 because their writing is honestly what made me wanna get back into it. So,,I hope you enjoy!

Kate X Fem!Reader

Concept: Reader has a crush on Kate (school/Uni setting) and she doesn't know how to tell her.

Warning: Cussing, mentions of smut, IM TRYING TO WRITE SLOW BURN BUT BEAR WITH ME ITS NEW!

Word Count: 2.7k

You’re a month into your summer vacation and things couldn’t be more…boring. You love and appreciate your parents dearly for putting out the money so that you could attend a prestigious school in New York with a kick ass archery team but does it ever suck to be this far from all your friends for four months. To make the situation work, your dad had to transfer jobs to another state that pulls in a little more money annually with slightly more affordable housing but that means you aren’t even near the people you grew up around. Rural Mississippi is a fairly big step from living in Boston. Boston at least had people, out here it’s like you’re lucky if you get to meet a neighbour because the land has us all so far apart. In all honesty, although it’s boring, you really have one specific reason for being so bummed out. Towards the end of your last semester, you got started getting closer with one of the girls a year younger on your team, Kate. Typically the older girls competed and practised together and the younger girls did the same. Although you two were only a year apart it’s just how things worked out, so you didn’t cross paths very often. However, one day you were walking home from class, stopped to get coffee and basically bumped into her. The meeting was really brief but it was enough to make you catch feelings almost instantly. 

Your interest in her grew as you followed her on Instagram and she followed back. Obviously you took a peak at her page and scrolled to the bottom laughing at the really cringey posts from 2015 she had still up. All you wanted to do was talk to her again but you didn’t know how, although she was a year younger than you she intimidated you so much. Her deep blue eyes were honestly enough to make you stutter whenever you had the chance to talk to her. A month had gone by already and you could not wait to get back to school so you could see her again. Luckily, coach has yearly “team-building” days before the season starts and they’re about half way through the summer so hopefully you can talk to her before then and maybe convince her to hang out when you come back to school. 

Over the next week or so you liked a few story posts that she’d upload every now and again but the day finally came where you felt like you could swipe up and respond to it…y’know…maybe spark a little conversation. 

“Damn Bishop, is this a new bow?” In response to a story post of her showing off some of her off season training. 

“Haha yeah it is, flips out and everything…it's really freakin’ cool.” She replied almost instantly and that made a giant warm smile come across your face. 

Shit– what do you say back? Your main goal was honestly to keep the convo going so you could subtly mention down the line hanging out with her. 

“Yeah that’s sick, wow I’d kill to try something like that out.”

“Well next time I see you, please by all means give it a shot” She replies back.

“Might just have to take you up on that. How’s your summer going anyways?”

“It’s alright, kind of boring though. All my friends from school move back home and I am working for my mom’s company over the summer so it all is just kind of dull. I miss going out and having fun. Wbu?”

“Yeah, I hear that. I am SO bored here. I would kill to fast forward to the fall, I miss being at school honestly. There’s only so much I can do by myself here during the summer.”

“Ugh right! I want it to be school again too but don’t get me wrong, I love the summer, the weather is great here recently and the nightlife is amazing too. I just have nobody to go with, you know.”

“Yeah I get it. Trust me, if I could be there to go out with you I would, there is definitely no nightlife here haha.”

Shit. That wasn’t too forward was it? She is taking a while to respond to you. She hasn’t even opened the message yet. 

*4 minutes later*

“Well, you’re going to be around for that team-building thing coach has us doing in a couple of weeks right?”

“Yeah, I should be.”

“Well, we can go out then if you want? Me and a few friends had plans but they’re all on the team and I’m sure they’d love to have you there too.”

“Yeah, that sounds great I’d love to!”

The conversation pretty much ended there and your contact with her was fairly limited, just a small comment here or there until you finally got to fly back to school for summer training. You settle back into the apartment you left a couple months ago, everything is still a mess where you left it but the kitchen and living room are even filthier since you are not around to clean up much after your roommates. You decided to wait until your team practice to talk to Kate about hanging out again. You didn’t want to come on too strong but also a small part of you feels like she forgot what she said months ago and you won’t end up seeing her, not outside of team stuff at least. 

You grabbed your gear and headed to the field where practice was being held. You saw some of your friends from last year and decided to catch up with them before coach pulled you all in to start practice. You were trying your best not to make it obvious but your eyes were tracking all around you looking for Kate but she was nowhere to be seen. 

*Whistle* “Okay team! Let’s bring it in. First, I just want to say thank you to everyone for making the effort to come back to campus for this, meeting I–”

“SORRY SORRY SORRY!” You hear the coach interrupted as footsteps are fast approaching the circle of archers. 

“Hi Kate.” Says coach.

“I am SO sorry. My driver was running late and then there was traffic because of a giant accident, I think there was some battle in the streets again, I don’t know, either way, my bad coach, won’t happen again…I promise.” She says with the most adorable grin that is absolutely saying she will be late again. 

“It’s alright Kate, it happens, I was just telling the team how thankful I am that everyone could make the trip back to campus for this.” Coach went on to talk about the drills you were doing for the day and man was it hard to not be in awe watching her. You tried your best not to stare all day because the last thing you wanted to do was make it obvious but fuck it felt impossible. The day came to an end and you packed up your gear, Kate was talking with the other seniors on the team as they were gathering their things and started to head out. You could feel your window closing to talk to her but interrupting her conversation with her friends and “inviting” yourself out with them just felt too weird and uncomfortable. If it wasn’t meant to be then it wasn’t meant to be but you would kill to be able to just spend an hour with her. 

You watched as she started to walk away towards the parking lot with her friends when all of a sudden she motioned for them to hold on a minute and she turned around and jogged over to you. 

“Hey y/n! Sorry we didn’t get to catch up much during practice, I saw your shooting though it’s looking good.” 

Yeah…your face is bright red. Control your shit. 

“Anyways, me and a couple friends are going out later tonight to a party that one of their friends is hosting. It’s like a Hawaiian beach summer nights themed type of party so if you have something like that to wear, that would be great.”

“Yeah, I might have something, I’ll take a look when I get home.” 

“Cool! I’ll text you the address once I get it off my friend and I’ll see you there?”

“Yeah, sounds good!” 

“Here, why don’t you put your number into my phone, I don’t like using DM’s that much.”

You take Kate’s phone out of her hand and fill out a contact for yourself, praying that she can’t hear your heart beating out of your chest. 

“Cool, thanks, I’ll send you a text in a bit.” She says with a smile and then runs off to re-join her friends. 

It seems silly sitting by your phone and literally watching the minutes tick by waiting for her to text you but that’s all  you could do. The anticipation felt like it was killing you. 

Your phone finally buzzed with a mystery number attached, “Hey y/n! It’s Kate. So…slight change of plans.”

Fuck. Is she bailing? Your eyes were glued on the three dots as she typed and you watched as they disappeared and reappeared. 

“Turns out the party is actually around the corner from my place so if you wanted to just come here first, we could pre-game and shit and then walk over together? My friends said they were going out to get their hair done so they’ll be running late.”

“Hey Kate, yeah no problem that works for me just send me your address and lmk what time you want me there.”

Kate dropped a pin of her location to you with the text attached telling you to come over at 7pm. 

7pm rolled around and you were already there outside but you kind of felt like you should wait another minute or two so you weren’t RIGHT on time. Or is it weird to be a minute late? But wouldn’t being on time be weirder? Whatever, you decided to just wait a minute and then knock on her door. 

Knocking on her door was the most nerve wracking thing you ever did, you were genuinely shitting bricks. 

“HEY! Come in come in!” Kate eagerly yells at you as she swings the door open. She’s wearing shorts with a bright purple bikini top and a button down Hawaiian shirt over top that doesn’t have a single button done up. Are you starring? Yes. Probably? Absolutely you are. 

“Make yourself at home, feel free to grab a drink from the fridge, my roommates are out of town and left all their alcohol so help yourself.” She said with a laugh. 

You heard that right? Her roommates are out of town. Just the two of you…you never know. 

You grabbed a drink from the fridge and took a seat on the couch next to her and yeah…the drink started going down faster than usual because of all the nerves in your stomach. The two of you made small talk for awhile but the conversation started flowing a little more naturally about 2 drinks in. Were you still kind of awkward as hell? Yeah…a little. But at least you warmed up to her a bit and weren’t acting so weird. About an hour later, her friends showed up and grabbed you guys to head over to the party. Honestly, things were going so well with just the two of you that you didn’t even want to go to this party but if it meant you got to spend more time with her then there you were. You got to the party and you honestly knew practically nobody. You weren’t exactly a social butterfly but Kate clearly was. She was talking to EVERYBODY. The boys at the party especially loved her. There was lots of laughing and flirting going on, you could feel the jealousy building but acting out was definitely not an option. You ended up socialising with a few of the other people at the party but for most of the night you stuck by Kate’s side, the two of you got pretty drunk together, pouring shots for one another and dancing in the pit of people to extremely loud music. There was a point where it felt like it was just you and her and nobody else was there while the music was blasting into your ears and the two of you were jumping together to the beat and singing out the lyrics to whatever song was on at the time. Kate got really close to you until some guy would come and pull her away in an attempt to make a move on her. Although, it never actually happened. Kate always ended up finding her way back to you. At one point she grabbed your hand and pulled you into the middle of the crowd as the two of you sang (screamed) the lyrics to “love story” into each other's faces. The party, as all do, started to simmer down. You guys actually ended up being some of the last people at the party, you stuck around to the point where the music was gone and most people were just sitting around chatting halfway sober. 

“Hey, I think I’m going to go home, I am super tired right now.” Kate says to you. 

“Okay, I’ll walk with you, I left my bag at your place anyways so I have to grab it.” 

“Right, sounds good.” 

Although the two of you had been singing and dancing for hours, she looked just as perfect as when you left and you were trying your hardest not to stare at her while the two of you were walking side-by-side. 

The walk back to her place was pretty quick, when the two of you got inside you went to grab your bag and get your things together. You were desperately trying to figure out what to say to her while you were organising your stuff. You didn’t want to come on too strong but you also want to make sure that she knows you had a good time…I guess just tell her exactly that?

“I had a really good time tonight, thanks again for inviting me.” You say as you’re leaning against the wall in her hallway. 

“Of course, anytime. And I did too. We should really hang out more when we come back to school.” She replies. 

Kate walks towards you and stops about a foot away leaning up against the doorframe to her bedroom. The hallway is super narrow and all you can think about is pinning her against the wall while you kiss down her neck and pull her tight by her waist. 

“Yeah I think so too. I guess I should probably head out.” You say as she looks at you with the softest eyes that you swore said “please stay”. You lingered for a second longer as the two of you were looking at each other, tired, kind of tipsy and on the verge of ripping each other's clothing off. All you wanted was for her to actually ask you to stay a little longer but before she had the chance you were already walking towards the door. 

“Have a good night y/n.” She says. “Text me when you get home safe.”

“I will. Sleep well Kate.” You reply as you turn to look at her with a smile and step out the front door. 

That goodbye felt different. It felt like there were still feelings in the air and lots that wanted to be said that wasn't. It felt like the perfect opportunity with nobody around after an amazing night together has passed but you regret none of it. Although you weren’t able to get a confirmation on whether or not Kate even likes women like you do, you knew there was definitely a type of tension between the two of you that she definitely noticed.

-- END OF PT 1 --

Taglist: @yelenaslyubov @youreatotalposer @jeyramarie @flosbelova @bridgecitybrad @justthis-stuff @chloe7076 @ailenepuff @ravenclawbitch426 @mellowladyangel @amcg0605-blog @kassies-take @yelenaswife1996 @wandanatchick @lilroachsworld @inluvwithfictionalwomen @x666hours @natashaswife4125 @onetruwhore @karmasgxrl @hopelesslyfallenninlove @setsuna1415 @swiftdazer @imobsessedwithmilfss @madamevirgo @louisprettybab @splatalia-jumpanova @jediluka @t00manyfand0ms

[badhockeymom]

Cup Besties talking

It's about this ⤵

And this ⤴

Can't recommend this enough if you know any Finnish. They were veteran dad and rookie son, winning the most coveted prize in the hockey world, one to start off his NHL career, one to finally get the crown on his before retiring.

This is just the beginning of the roughly 1,5 hour conversation of Teuvo as a guest on Kimmo Timonen's and Antti Mäkinen's podcast. Teuvo's deadpan sarcasm and his subtle chuckles that soften his wry chirps and self-mockery work like a charm, sending his forty-something hosts into fits of laughter.

May be continued but let me put this out there first.

Kimmo: Our next guest hails from Helsinki. He's full 29 years old, but still has the face of a child. He goes by the nickname Turbo, which I don't understand, because he isn't that fast. A produce of the Jokerit, he has got, among other accolades, the Finnish rookie of the year award. From Jokerit, he went to Chicago, where we won the Stanley Cup together in 2015. Nowadays he plays for the Carolina Hurricanes alongside Sebastian Aho. Welcome, my good friend, Teuvo Teukka Teräväinen, to the Kimanttia podcast!

Teuvo: Thanks a lot, (chuckle) nice to be here even though you forced me to come.

Kimmo: (laugs) For your information, listeners, I've tried to goad Teukka for a guest appearance for two or three years, but he has always, always declined before now. It's good, it's great to hear your voice, man.

Antti (co-host Antti Mäkinen): I was so sure that Teuvo has been on the show but it's great that you're there now.

Teuvo: Yes, I always say to Kime that someday I'll come, and now I felt it's time.

Kimmo: Are you in Finland, Teukka?

Teuvo: Yes, a few days ago. I came straight to the cottage, it's nice to wind down for a few days here. Nothing special.

(They go on asking if Teuvo has watched the Worlds, he reminds the hosts that Canes were still playing when the games started.)

Kimmo: I wanted to ask, before we start going through your career, how long are you staying in Finland, and will you spend time at the cottage or do you have plans?

Teuvo: I usually head back to the States in the beginning of September, to settle down a little before the camp starts. In Finland, this summer will be quite busy, all my weekends are pretty much locked down, I have so many weddings and bachelor parties this summer.

Kimmo: Oh, you're getting married? I haven't got an invitation.

Teuvo: Yeah, multiple times. (Antti and Kimmo laugh) No, fortunately it isn't my wedding. They're nice events, but they do take up your time.

Kimmo: Yes they do, weekends come and go.

(Antti tells a story about a golf live stream during the covid lockdown, where Teuvo played against Patrik Laine. Both played well but in the end, Teuvo lost. He left the course with very few words, and after an half an hour, posted a pic of his golf bag on his Instagram story, captioned "Clubs for sale")

Teuvo: I remember that. It's what it is, it's never nice to lose.

Kimmo: (laughs) That sounds familiar because I've also sometimes played golf with Teukka, and the round has gone fine, and he says, I'm quitting this game.

Teuvo: Yeah... We've played tennis, too.

Antti: How do you do against him in tennis, can you hold your own?

Teuvo: Well, I don't think i've yet won Kime, at least on his home court.

Kimmo: Well now, there we heard the truth.

Teuvo: But now i have my own homecourt here at the cottage, you're welcome to challenge me here.

Kimmo: (softly) I must come over.

Teuvo: On my own court I haven't lost to anyone else but Henkka Kontinen who's a pretty good player. (Pro tennis player, doubles specialist, career high rank 1 in doubles)

Kimmo: Oh. I'll have to come and challenge you this summer.

Teuvo: You'll have to.

Antti: Hey, that guy is a professional at that tennis hobby of his, he does have an advance.

Teuvo: Or used to be, he hadn't been playing for a full year when he defeated me.

~~~

So, that's just the first five minutes.

A little extra treat from the next segment:

Kimmo: I did some research about your junior years, and it said you started on Helsingin Kojootit (Helsinki Coyotes). Where's Helsingin Kojootit?

Teuvo: It's -- in Helsinki. (chuckles.) Like it says, Helsingin Kojootit, how didn't you pick it up from the name?

(Laughter, Antti is dying)

[super-predictable98]

Glass and Gold Child (There She Goes AU)

Chapter 1: One Day in the Life of Alex Yates

Word Count: 2 k

Warning: Strong language, alcohol abuse

a/n: Hello everyone! In my mission to write as many Michael and David characters as I can, here's another effort: a wee rewrite of There She Goes with my OC.

2015:

Simon had been trying to get Rosie to calm down all morning. Ben just watched that disaster unfold while their father tried to drag her back from the park to have dinner.

"Where's your sister when we need her?" Simon groaned, pulling Rosie away from a car that she ran to because the license plate had a big X on it, her absolute favorite.

"What's going on?" Alex asked when she came back from her judo practice. She still wore her white trousers with a black tank top and her brown belt wrapped around her waist.

"Fuck, Alexandra, there you are! Can you…?"

"Hey, Rosie!" She greeted with a big smile.

"X! X!" The little girl called.

"That's me, come on, are you gonna be good or will I have to give these wotsits to Dad?"

Rosie let out a happy screech when she saw the blue package and reached for it. It was never too quiet around her, she was always making noises to communicate, but those happy noises were always welcome.

She took the snack from Alex and gave her older sister a clumsy hug.

"Can you say thank you?" Alexandra asked.

In response, Rosie did the sign in BSL and her sister ruffled her hair.

"You're a miracle worker," Simon sighed as they walked from the park. "You can't be going around and leaving us alone. She needs you."

"You hear how insane that sounds, Dad?" Ben chuckled. "She's not her mum, besides, she was at practice not even hanging out."

"Not helping, Ben," he hissed.

"It went well then?" Emily, the matriarch of the family, asked while she prepared the food.

"As well as it can go," Simon murmured, watching the kids get around the table. "I was thinking, what if we never send Alex to college?"

"What? Are you insane?"

"You know what I mean! Sometimes she's the only one who can calm Rosie down and can you imagine the epic meltdown that Darwin's little exception is gonna have when her big sis moves out?"

"Simon, we can't just ask Alex not to live her life. We're their parents, it's our job to look after them, not hers."

"Now you just sound like Ben!"

"Because even an 11-year-old boy has more common sense than you! She's 17, she'll leave eventually, we're gonna have to make it work."

"Remember when it was just her?" Simon smiled.

"When you were not a total prick? Yeah, I remember."

*

2001:

"Where's Daddy?" Alexandra asked, crawling on the floor, even after she learned how to walk, she still loved to crawl.

"He's coming home, remember when I told you about Daddy working to buy your Christmas presents?" Emily picked up her little girl and kissed her forehead. "Why do you love Daddy so much? Can't it be Mummy?"

"No! Only Daddy," Alex laughed at her mother's expression when she said that.

"Where are my girls?" Simon opened the door and opened his arms to take his daughter. "There's my little princess! How you doing, sweet pea?"

"Good! I missed you!"

"I missed you too!" He bounced her and kissed all over her chubby little cheeks. "Oh, there's my queen."

"Good one," Emily laughed. "She's been talking about you all day, she's a little chatterbox."

"Aww but that's cute! Remember when she'd speak full sentences before she could even walk? It was a nice party trick."

"I know, and it's cute, but I do hope our next daughter is less chatty. For my sanity."

"I heard that!" Alex gasped.

"See, now you hurt my little princess!" Simon joked. "Can you get me a beer, Em?"

"Noooo I don't like beer Daddy," the little girl cried.

"Wow, that is not concerning at all…" Emily arched an eyebrow. "Did Daddy ever hurt you after drinking beer?"

"Only on the inside…"

"No! I'm not-! You meant your heart, right? I hurt your feelings?" Simon asked, panicked.

"Yeah, you were mean."

"See, Em? Never say that again, sweetie, people might get the wrong idea and then they'll take Daddy to jail. Is that what you want?"

"No! We need to watch Barbie and the Nutcracker!"

"Good girl, if Daddy's in jail he can't watch Barbie and the Nutcracker with you."

*

2006:

"HIYAAAAAA!" Alex jumped on her father's stomach after bringing him to the floor with a rather flawless valley drop.

"Jesus Christ! That's what we're paying for? For you to learn how to kill your father in karate?" Simon groaned, curling up into a ball.

"It's judo, Daddy!" She laughed.

"Oh pardon me, I wouldn't wanna be rude to the little girl who just broke my ribs. You're always complaining I'm not home enough and when I am, you just wanna punish me."

Alexandra frowned and wrapped her little arms around him, kissing his cheek. She did complain because ever since her mum got pregnant, she would barely see him at all.

He was always 'at work' or with his friends and whenever she saw him, it was beer Daddy, not the one she loved.

"I'm sorry, I didn't wanna hurt you."

"Hey, sweetheart, it's okay," Simon assured, kissing the top of her head. "Daddy's sorry, okay? I wish I could be home more, but- it's hard to explain, my baby. Sometimes grown-ups do silly things even when they know it's wrong and then when they try to undo it, they can't right away. But I promise I'll make it better."

"Are you and Mummy getting divorced?"

"Why did you have to be such a smart girl?" He sighed. "I don't know, darling, I don't want to, but sometimes it's what's best for mummies and daddies."

"And then we'll never see you again?"

"Of course you'll see me, Alex! Even if one day I'm no longer Mummy's husband, I'm still your and your siblings' daddy, that'll never change. You're stuck with me for life, kiddo. Is that okay? You being stuck with your old man?"

"That's okay," Alex smiled. "I wanna come live with you if you leave."

"Why is that, princess?" Simon sat up, a bit worried that she'd given that whole thing so much thought. She shouldn't be pondering on that sort of thing.

"Because Mummy loves Rosie more. She only ever holds Rosie and talks to Rosie and about Rosie."

"Awww Alex, that's not true," he took her in his arms, stroking her long dark waves. "Mummy is only busy with Rosie because she was just born. She's just a little baby and she was born really small, she needs attention."

"I know, but when Ben was born, it wasn't like that. Mummy still loved me when he was a baby."

"Mummy still loves you now, sweetie, don't worry. But if you ever wanna come live with me, that'll be okay and… I mean, not that we're actually getting divorced. That's not happening as far as I'm concerned. Okay?"

"Okay… is it time to go to judo yet?"

"Yeah, it's time, come on."

Simon grabbed her Barbie backpack with her uniform and a little snack.

"Are you gonna stay and watch me?" Alex asked hopefully.

"I can't, sweetie. Daddy's meeting Aunt Helen, but I'll be there when you're done," Simon picked her up and looked up the stairs. "Em! I'm taking the little monster to judo!"

Father and daughter took the train, as Simon wouldn't learn how to drive to save his life, and he dropped her off at her class.

Alex saw Daddy leave and wanted to cry, to scream about how he never sat to watch her practices anymore like the other parents did, but she didn't. She was brave and put on her uniform all by herself.

She diligently got through her class and changed back into her street clothes, excited to tell her father that she was getting a new belt soon.

"Hey, I'm getting the yellow-orange belt, Daddy. It means I'm halfway to getting my orange belt which is my favorite color! I can't wait!" She whispered to herself as she sat right outside the dojo with the other kids.

One by one, the kids were picked up by their parents, but Alexandra stayed there, swinging her little legs and rehearsing what to say to Dad when he finally arrived.

"Yeah, she's still here," the sensei said into the phone. "Don't worry, I know you have a new baby at home, Mrs. Yates, I can drive her. It's no problem."

Alex never got to say her perfectly rehearsed lines celebrating her new achievement. She sat in silence the entire car ride back to her house and when her mother opened the door, she burst into tears.

"Hey, hey sweetie, it's okay," Emily hugged her after putting Rosie down in the crib. "Don't cry, baby. I'm sorry you were scared."

"I wasn't scared! He didn't come and he told me he would! Why won't anyone love me anymore?" Alexandra hit her head on the wall a few times before her mother could catch her.

"Mum? Why is Al hurting herself? Don't hurt yourself, Al!" Ben whispered, bringing her a pillow.

"Hear that? Your brother is worried about you, he loves you and so do I, so does Rosie, so does Daddy. And your grandparents, Aunt Soph…"

"Daddy doesn't love me, he left me there. He's not my daddy anymore!"

"It's not true, Al, you're his precious little princess and he just made a mistake. He forgot he was supposed to be there or he missed the train- the point is, everyone makes mistakes," Emily said even though she was also furious with her husband and that was far from his first fuck up. "Tell me how was class, let me make you something to eat."

"I get a yellow-orange belt next week, I'm not hungry," Alex said while she stomped up the stairs to get to her bedroom.

She hid in there all afternoon and when it was almost time to sleep, the door slowly opened and Simon came in stumbling over himself.

"Mummy just told me what happened, I'm so sorry, my pumpkin pie. I lost track of time, when I realized it was already eight," he slurred.

"Get out of here! You stink, I hate beer Daddy! I hate all daddies! I hate you!"

"I understand, I get it. I love you though and I'm really sorry," he said, too embarrassed to look her in the eye. "Mum told me you're getting a new belt? That's exciting, you're one closer to orange, your favorite."

"Whatever, if you cared you would've watched me."

"I swear, I promise next week I'll be there to see it."

"No, you won't! I don't believe you anymore. Go away, I'm going to sleep."

*

2015:

"That is my monster, its ears are so fluffy!" Alex read and closed the book. "Now, my little monster Rosie, it's time for bed."

The noise her sister made was indication she wasn't happy about it.

"I know, I know you don't want to. But let me tell you something. I know you can't talk, but you understand me, right? You get what X is saying?"

Rosie didn't nod or give any proof that it was true, but she stared directly at Alex, she was listening.

"If you close your eyes and fall asleep, you can play with the nice monsters and Hippo in dreamland. Right here," she touched Rosie's head. "Don't you wanna play with Hippo and the monsters from the book? Yeah, I know. So please, close your eyes and sleep, alright? I love you, pretty girl."

When Alexandra put up the gate to stop her sister from leaving the room, she noticed her parents were watching from afar.

"Sorry, I'm gonna go wash the dishes now," she chuckled, knowing she was behind on her chores.

"No! Don't you dare, Alex," Emily hugged her tightly. "You help more than enough and honestly I feel bad about it sometimes. Daddy will do the dishes."

"What? Why me?" Simon yelped. "I mean, yeah, I agree she shouldn't have to after getting Rosie to sleep, but why me?"

"Because you're a lazy arse," Alexandra laughed.

"You know what? Let's just order some pizza and relax while we have a little time," Emily suggested.

"Ah come on! We order pizza every week, let's have something different," Simon wrapped his arms around each of them.

"I don't think lazy arses have the right to decide," Alex laughed. "Come on, let's play a game while we wait. Oh! And remember tomorrow everyone needs to come to the gym, I'm getting my black belt!"

"Don't worry, princess, we'll all be there for you," he smiled.

[caitlynnrosespn]

My Just Dance Story

So, I know this is SO RANDOM but I wanted to fully share my story for why I love Just Dance and what brought me into this community. I have a long story of why Just Dance means so much to me, so here I am! Oh, and quick TW: I will talk about... a bunch of stuff, so warnings for ab*se (all kinds), body shaming, su*cide, depression, and whatever else I forgot! (Don't worry it's a happy story!! I promise!!)

Dance is always something near and dear to my heart. When I was tiny I would watch dancers on TV and try to mimic them to the best of my ability. I mean, I was there for the Single Ladies dance challenge, meaning I remember the very first dance challenge. I loved to move and express myself, but there were some challenges with that. One, I wasn't allowed to go to dance classes like my sisters were allowed to. I was forced to stay at home at all times, because my dad was abusing me and my sisters and i was the only one without a filter. Two, I was also being sold to men my dad worked with to help pay off bills, and the injuries from that were more clear then the ones from the physical abuse (don't panic- i was drugged the whole time. I don't remember much from that) so my dancing expertise came entirely from whatever I could sneak online (there's a very old video of me doing a cheer-leading routine online, which I will not try to find cuz you can see my dad in the background).

When I was 7, my sister was able to finally tell the right people what was going on and got us out of there. When I tell you I wouldn't be around anymore if it wasn't for her, I'm not being dramatic. My bio dad threatened to kill me on multiple occasions, and I'm sure it was bound to actually happen at some point. I also managed to make the local news, so everyone knew what had happened. But while at a foster house, I first played Just Dance. It was 2012, so I played Just Dance 4. At that time it was just a way for me to have fun with all my sisters before we were permanently separated from each other, but that memory will always be a happy one for me (first ever map was Good Feeling btw).

I was put into a foster home, where I was for 2 years before getting adopted. And while things improved drastically, there were still some issues there. My adopted dad was emotionally abusive, breaking me in a different way. I am a curvy person, and him not understanding that curvy bodies are still healthy, enforced tow eating disorders in me and taught to absolutely torture my body with workouts. He didn't believe I should be a dancer, because, in his words, "no one wants to see you jiggling all that around" and "boys don't like cellulite" (cuz i only danced for boys-obviously.) Others also said that dancing made me a slut. So I quickly gave up my dreams of being a dancer. I became depressed, and soon had to be sent to a psychiatric ward after attempting to take my own life. I was 11.

But I wish that the Just Dance team could have seen the effect that playing Just Dance had on a bunch of depressed teens. Just Dance 4 ironically was the only thing they let us play, but the transformation was visceral. We went from angry, depressed, and terrified teens to a group of lifelong friends, cheering each other on and absolutely killing cheoreos. It was then I realized- I could still dance if I could just have my hands on this game.

So I had a friend who had JD 2015. We loved playing together (my favorite map was Happy- obviously.) But I begged my parents to get me my own JD game. They got me JD 2016, and I loved every second of it. I also at the time was online more, so I grew very fond of dancers like Avery, Of Hugo and Jayden Rodriquez. I also found the official dancers of Just Dance, like Jessy, Mehdhi, and Sarah Magassa. I fell in love with their dance and dreamed of dancing like them one day.

But my dad quickly caught on to my scheme, and shamed me out of playing, even encouraging my siblings to do the same. When that didn't work, he banned the game completely. Heartbroken, and having no time to spare due to musical theater (which my mom thankfully got me into) I once again quite any dreams of being a dancer.

But fast forward to 2022. I kind of still watched stuff about Just Dance, but I was beyond out of the loop. But one day I got home, and my dad had accidentally locked me out of the house. (you make me feeell like I've been locked out of-ok i'm done sorry) So, with two hours to go before my dad came back, I opened YouTube and there it was- The Ubisoft Forward for Just Dance 2023. It had been the day before, so I decided to watch it. Beside the initial confusion (is that Shirley? Why is Jessy blue? Huh?) I was so amazed by the game and fell immediately in love with the game. But I became obsessed when I saw HER.

A curvy coach. Yes, I know she was in other games leading up to this, but I was out of the loop by then. So when I saw a dancer who looked just like me (same hair at this point too!) it just hit me.

What the hell was I doing? Who had the right to tell me what to do with my body? Why was I letting others destroy my dreams, just because they didn't think I was worthy enough of them? Yeah, fuck that.

So I did everything I could to get the game. On launch day I biked 24 miles away from my house to the nearest gamestop to buy the game, lying to my dad and saying I was buying my friend a birthday gift. Honestly, it was one of the best nights of my life, cuz I remember feeling like I was reclaiming myself. I felt free.

And that's what Just Dance means to me. It symbolizes freedom, a new birth. It gives me hope. It is currently helping me reclaim the love for dance that so many people tried to destroy. So thank you to the loving and supporting community, the amazing team, and everyone who has helped me on this journey. From the bottom of my heart, I love you all <3

[qumiiiquinnquin]

my view on love is so skewed.

what is love?

i know what it is. only partially though. i only know it from an outside perspective.

people feel deeply for each other , to the point of dating , sometimes to the point of marriage , sometimes to the point of having a kid or multiple children. sometimes , to the point of growing old together , and sometimes resting peacefully with your graves side by side in the cemetery.

sometimes love just doesnt work out though. feelings for each other erode away over time and the gears of love for each other just stop turning , cheating or infidelity may happen , or just a complete breakup or divorce.

im a child of a divorced couple who ended up splitting because my mom cheated on my dad. before my dad had found out what my mom had done , their relationship was dwindling because all i can gather is they weren't feeling very close anymore. my dad says it got to the point that they’d be texting each other from opposite ends of the same couch instead of talking. my mom is remarried since 2015 , and my dad has been struggling to find and keep a relationship. he came very close to proposing again , but they ended up splitting.

i dont know what it feels like when love just doesn't work out. ive seen it though ; both times my dad had to split with someone , it caused him major depression , especially when he had to part from my mom. he had disappeared for a while and my uncle watched us , i can only assume he had left because what the divorce had done to him. he drank more ((not to the point of alcoholism but almost)) and smoked more , and my mom smoked more too. she seems to regret her actions , and stopped smoking about a year prior to getting remarried.

but to be honest , i dont even know what it feels like when love does work out. ive explained times that ive had crushes on people to friends last year , only having crushes exactly three times. my friends said that these were more “squishes” instead of crushes , as i was not comfortable with the idea of ever marrying or dating those who i had crushes on. it wasn't feelings of romance , even if it felt like it. i just liked someone a lot.

ive only confessed once , and it was to my closest friend. it felt like genuine feelings of romance. i wanted to spend the rest of my days with him , and if i may be honest , the idea of him ever finding and dating someone hurts my soul a little.

when i confessed , he said no. i remember i was hurt by that for a bit , and sometimes i feel sad when i recall that our relationship is strictly platonic friends. we say i love you to each other , but with the platonic tone indicator. sometimes , i wish i could say it without the tone indicator and be able to call each other sweet names.

but at the same time , im glad he said no. i dont know how love works. the very idea of dating , marriage , and always being with the same person for the rest of your life makes me uncomfortable , as well as anxious and confused. i do not understand how dating works , at what point marriage is considered , how deeply in love you have to be to want to marry , how you dont get tired of your partner when living with them for the rest of both of your lives , etc. etc. etc.

even lately , when ive been feeling very alone and wishing i had a partner , i dont think id be happy if i did have one because i dont understand or really...feel love.

what is dating?

is it cuddling or other types of physical affection? but what if im not comfortable with being touched? what then?

is it going out? but what qualifies as going out? is it the fancy dinner shown in shows and movies , or is it just basic outings like to a fun store or a walk downtown or the movies?

is it just hanging out next to each other at home or somewhere? but certain things have to qualify as a date right?

what is marriage?

when do you decide you love each other so much to the point of wanting to marry?

what is it like to live the rest of your life with someone else? do you not get tired of their company? do you simply get used to it? do you do anything to have small breaks away from each other? but if you are spending time away from your spouse , does anyone then think the relationship is unhealthy and going downhill?

when do you decide you love each other so much to have a child?

there's so much to love that i dont understand.

not to mention , besides my lack of understanding much about love , the idea of cheating , divorce , or something happening to my partner has partially frightened me out of trying to find someone. additionally , you never know who you will meet. ending up in an abusive or controlling relationship has also kept me at bay from seeking somebody. i already have enough trauma to bear on my shoulders , if im being perfectly honest...i dont want anything added to that...

i feel silly as i type this , because as i said earlier , i have been desiring a partner lately , and confessed to my closest friend a couple years ago and sometimes wish we could be something. three times , ive had people confess to me , only for me to turn them down because i am not comfortable with being in a relationship. i keep going back and forth with myself if i would truly be happy in a relationship , and its even led to me questioning my own identity - i identify as aroace.

the asexual part has held true and will continue to hold true for the rest of my life. but...with my thoughts and feelings on love , especially lately where they seem like they're changing , im not certain i can still identify as aromantic...

it seems to wane. sometimes , i desperately want a partner and feel quite lonely and jealous whenever i see a couple. other times - and most times - i feel happy by myself , and do not feel comfortable ever being in a relationship with someone. i feel quite annoyed whenever my family tells me ill change my mind or i will eventually find somebody.

i want someone to love me , but i never want to be in a relationship with them. does that make sense? i wouldnt mind being loved and loving someone else , but i would want the relationship to remain platonic or simply just friends.

none of this may make sense. i wish i could explain it all better , but i dont exactly know how to describe my feelings on love too well.

it's just my very skewed view on love.

[babythegod]

Remember when I was 16 and my cousins kept getting pregnant so you woke me up out of my sleep to accuse me of being with child, beat me with a broom then called the police on me &I wasn’t even sexually active. I had to cover my black eye with make-up during thanksgiving festivities or when we actually still lived with Monterra &you hit me with a pool stick before school (for getting “smart”) so I tried to stab a knife into my wrist vein (where my ankh tattoo is now because I was sick of looking at the scar) or when nobody gaf after lil bro busted my lip wide open cause I said he “acts like our dad” or when I lost my cat and you lied and told him I was trying to assault you so he came into my room and abused me as you watched proudly from the doorway. Fun times 😻

Kinda an excerpt : from my upcoming book :

The Calling.

“I still cry for that teenager that was left with an ultimatum that would unknowingly change the trajectory of her entire life and leave me scarred and traumatized for years. When I told my dad “NO!” I didn’t want to live with him as he threw my mom out of our family home , I didn’t realize at the time that I was choosing death. I meant NO ! I want all of this to end now. NO! can we fix it ? NO ! Let’s press rewind …My innocence was killed that night &I lost everything I ever knew to be true. I had always felt the absence of love but then safety vanished as well. No one ever asked me if I was ok . No one. Not once. I began to look for home in all the wrong people and places. Both of my parents swear they did “their best” with me but the way my brothers were and still are treated , I know that’s not valid. I was denied child support my entire teenage years while everyone else received lavish new clothing &designer shoes , I would get berated if I ever tried any piece of my moms wardrobe on. I remember hearing “YOUR DAD GIVES ME $600 A MONTH, ALL FOR FAT” an innumerable amount of times. So I would walk to this bootleg cd/dvd/ women’s apparel store called “Hot Girls” every single day after school begging the owner to let me work there. It’s lowkey so funny cause it was right across from the police station and he was pirating his ass off 😹😹😹 He finally agreed and I made $5 an hour , from 4-8 , when I got off the bus I would go straight there &all day Saturday. He was closed on Sundays. $70 -$120 cash under the table every week is what helped me survive. Now that I think back , Seven was really the only father figure I had as a teen. He was a skinny weird little dude from Hollygrove. We would always fuss cause I was a product of my circumstances and he was Dwayne PONCHO Eli, I still don’t really know why people called him Seven but he always told me “you’re not country like most Kenner people, you’re different 😹” I am so thankful for him because I could’ve got lost in the streets like most abandoned young ladies do. I worked there until I was 18 &was able to find real employment. “

The main reasons I can never bond with my father still to this day; 1. Our relationship was never fostered. 2. While working at my job I purchased a white pair of shorts , that were too tight and skimpy , I admit. But I just thought they were fly at the time. I couldn’t have imagined that Instead of buying your daughter new clothes you’d rather wish rape upon her , vocally in front of our entire family in my grandparents house. No one even batted an eye. No one addressed his cruelty. My dad must be a wizard because his evil wish eventually came true in 2015/2016, my senior year in college I was assaulted in my own apartment. I went into denial, dropped out with only 6 credits left. I honestly believe; Sire &the Holy Spirit saved my life. I would not know love if it wasn’t for Christ.

The things I am still struggling to forgive, but can never forget.

The hate u give little infants fucks everyone …

[pbandjesse]

I just finished listening to the second season of limetown. And it was great. I want to read all the thoughts now even though it came out in 2015/2018. I love it.

Today was a really good day. The rain made the sky just so beautiful. The rain made all the trees bloom a ton!! It really feels like it all happened at once.

It rained last night too. We knew it was going to rain but we weren't sure when. When James got home wasted up for a little while but pretty soon we were both ready to get some sleep. It was very humid. But around 3:00 a.m. we got woken up by the sky opening up and just buckets of rain falling. There was thunder and lightning and the rain was coming in the windows. My tablet and my phone were getting wet! So we both had to get up and close everything. And then went back to sleep.

I would sleep until about 9:30. And I didn't really want to be awake but I knew that I wouldn't feel very good if I kept sleeping.

So I got up and I made the bed and I got dressed. My hair felt weird. So I stuck my head under the faucet and that helped a lot. I think my hair felt weird from the humidity. Because it wasn't raining when I got up but throughout the day it would be storming. Very large raindrops too.

I made breakfast and it was pretty good. I vacuumed and I did some more cleaning. But because I did all that work yesterday that wasn't a ton that I had to do. And I am still feeling a little paralyzed with this commission. I'm hoping to get some started tomorrow at least for the sample. I hate that I feel this way about it because I just want to do a good job so I can give it to her. But it feels very much like I'm being judged against machine work and that scares me. I will get it done but it is definitely going to be hard for me.

I spend the morning mostly just hanging out and chilling with sweet pea. I went out on the fire escape and put plant food and everything because I knew it was going to rain and I thought that that would be a good time for it. And I got all of my stuff together for my program today. James had brought down a lot of the stuff to the car yesterday but I had to pull out my poster and then I was just chilling on the couch for a while.

Dad called me and we had to figure out how to get my email off of his cable account. And it was a whole mess because the link they sent him didn't do anything and I had to actually Google how to get into the account because when you log in from the page that they sent us it didn't do anything. And it was a nightmare. And then I had to try to walk him through making a Gmail account and then that didn't work so then I had to just make it myself and then walk him through logging into it. But we figured it out and it only took 45 minutes. I have the patience of saint.

Once I got off the phone with him I chilled for a little bit longer before getting myself together and heading to the car. It was about an hour drive to Camp Letts and I was a bit nervous because I had never been there before.

But it ended up being a really excellent drive. Besides the few small moments where are the rain was coming down so hard that you can barely see and so everyone around you was driving stupid. I mostly just had a good time. I listen to music and just really enjoyed myself.

When I got to the camp I wasn't exactly sure where to go. This is a much different laid out camp than mine. But I followed the path and halfway down there was a sign that said just one mile to go! This camp was a really far from its main road. It took me 7 minutes to drive from the road to the camp parking lot. But it was beautiful.

I was jealous that their camp is on a lake but their pool is not as nice as us. And I texted Jessica to let her know I was there.

But she did not answer me. And I wasn't exactly sure where to go. She had sent me a map but she highlighted the picnic tables and there was no one at the picnic tables. So I waited in the parking lot for a little while. But the thunder was very close and it wasn't raining yet but I did not want to get rained on. So I asked why staff member that I saw walking past and they were like oh you're here for arts and crafts come over here. But it turned out that was a John Hopkins group that was over in that building so I went back and they told me oh no go to the boathouse you're on the second floor! And so I headed over there and it was a sorority.

So I was a little confused and a little upset that I didn't know where I was supposed to be. But then one of the other women that Jess works with saw me and came over. I didn't recognize her because her hair was tied up. But she found me and brought me to the correct building. And we decided that because it was a little stuffy inside and it was nice out We would do our project on the porch. So I set up everything and it was good. Everything was really calm.

And a continued to be that way. These were just lovely kids. Oh my god they were so nice. I had planned for 18 of them but there was only 10. And they sat on the ground with me and listen very intently to all of my instructions. And I just thoroughly enjoyed working with them. Some of them were a little stumped on what to draw. I encourage them to do words and I did bubble letters for a few of them. And they just worked. All of them did something. No one exactly finished in the 45 minutes that they had to work. So the ones that didn't finish at the end I let keep the hoops and just said that she'll bring them back to me at some point. I'm not in any rush to get them back I have lots of hoops now. And I just had really nice conversations with them and I worked on my own thing while they worked on theirs and I troubleshooted with them and Jess was an excellent helper as she has been with every art program that we've done together so far. It was a good time.

We also had a pretty funny moment when a lizard came up out of the deck and scared the absolute shit out of one of the children. And it was very funny but then the lizard was just hanging out in the sun. And eventually it came over and climbed onto one of the children and we started saying that he was the chosen one. It was very silly. It was a really good time though. And honestly it makes me even more excited for camp this year. I hope that I can have moments like that more often. Just getting to do work with the kids and just make a little community again.

I stayed a little bit later than we had originally planned. Which was fine with me because I was having a great time. They invited me to stay for dinner but I knew I wanted to get home and see James before they went to the theater again tonight. So I cleaned up and said goodbye. They all said thank you and then I was off.

The sky was so beautiful. It was my favorite kind of sky. It had the bright bright sun on the leaves but behind it was a dark dark sky. It's absolutely my favorite type of weather. And I got to enjoy it for a few minutes before it opened up again and was pouring. It was actually a little scary for a few minutes there. Could barely see. But it would clear up again and people weren't driving too bad. And I didn't have any traffic issues on the way home. I just got to drive back and I got here a little before 5:00.

James was upstairs and I was very happy to see them. I asked if they could make spaghetti for dinner again and they would and then we would hang out on the couch together. Told each other about our days. And just rested a little. But soon they were leaving again and I was alone.

I didn't do much tonight. I hope Jess makes an outfits. I hung out with sweet pea. I took a bath. I listen to the rest of my podcast and played games on my phone because I'm trying to beat all the levels. My allergies are bothering me a little bit but I'm trying to leave my nose alone. I don't want it to start bleeding. I feel like it's going to start bleeding if I blow it too hard.

Tomorrow I have my art with a heart classes and Callie is supposed to come over so I can show her what to do for our apartment while we're away. Because she's being lovely enough to watch it for us. And I hope to do some kind of art. Get some kind of embroidery laid out because my plan for the week is to try to do the entire commission on Friday. Is that smart? I don't know? But I would at least want to have the color choice from Rosia by then so I could get started on Friday because Friday and Saturday next week I don't have as much stuff to do. So in theory I should have some time to work on it. Let's hope. I just feel like I've been overwhelming myself a lot lately. And the jobs are one thing but adding things on around it was not bright. I barely had time to work on anything for my store and I really wanted to get stuff set up before the market started when we get back from our honeymoon. And there's just no time for it anymore. I'll make it work. I always make it work but it is hard.

James should be home in the next hour. And then we will go to sleep. Let's hope tomorrow is an excellent day. I hope you have a good day and that you are staying safe. Good night everybody.

[garmonboziasworld]

Danni Winchester has left her brothers in 2006 after the death of their father, John Winchester. The siblings haven't spoken in years but when the Darkness is released, Danni reunites with her brothers. If she had known what turn her life would take from that moment on, maybe she wouldn't have come back at all. But you can't run from destiny, can you? A Supernatural Lucifer x OC Corruption Arc/Soulmate Trope

Also on ao3

Chapter 1: But when the going gets roufg, we're family

~ 2015 ~

“I can't believe it.”

Danni threw her bag onto the wooden table in the, what her brothers called it, library. They've just arrived at the so-called Men of Letters Bunker. Apparently, her brother's new home. Because they were legacies. She didn't understand that quite yet but that wasn't the most important thing right now at the moment.

“The literal hell breaks loose, apocalypse is rising in which two archangels wanted to use you as their vessels, it turns out we have a half-brother, both of you died and came back several times, one of you got soulless and the other literally became a demon and you just called me now?”

She turned around, hands on her hips and looked at Sam and Dean in turn.

“Yeah.” Dean nodded shortly. “Next to the Leviathans and the purgatory and almost closing hell's gates and the fall of the angels and the Mark of Cain and the release of the Darkness. Just to mention the highlights.”

Danni pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed heavily. “Oh my god …”

“Hey, if you hadn't left after Dad had died then maybe none of this would have happened. We could have used the help, you know?”

“Dean,” Sam tried to intervene but it was useless.

“Wow, you managed to hold back your reproaches for the whole car drive until now,” Danni huffed. “Impressive.”

Before Dean could spit back anything, Sam intervened again. “Dean, maybe this is not the right time to work on our family trauma.”

Dean looked at Sam. “Why am I not surprised that you're taking her side? Is this some weird twin shit I can't understand?”

Back in 1983, on the second of May, Mary Winchester gave birth to twins. A boy and a girl. She and her husband John named them Sam and Danni. Exactly six months after their birth, their Mom died. Killed by a demon. John wanted nothing but revenge, his ultimate goal being killing the demon who killed his beloved wife and the mother of his children. His children that John took care of since that day. John hunted the demon and his children were always with him. They grew up hunting, facing all the dark and evil beings that everyone else didn't even know existed. While other children their age went to school and birthday celebrations and were hanging out with friends, the Winchester kids spent their childhood in a car on the neverending roads and in cheap motels. As the oldest, Dean quickly got accustomed to the hunter lifestyle but Sam and Danni always felt different. For different reasons, but they both felt like they did not belong.

Sam was the first who left. Or escaped. To college. It was ugly when he left and Danni will never forget the loud argument her twin brother and her father had the day of Sam's departure. And the time after, without Sam, was hard. His father was angry, Dean was angry, damnit, even Danni was angry. But being the Winchesters they were, no one talked about their feelings. Without her twin brother, Danni felt even more like she didn't belong. Her father and Dean were a unit, the father and his oldest son. His successor, so to say. And then there was her. The youngest. But not just that. She was the girl. And her father let her feel it. She had to stay in the car, had to stay in the motel and when she accompanied them for once, she had to do the dirty job like keeping watch. She could fight and kill, her father had taught her. But still. No matter how hard Danni had tried, it had never been good enough for her father.

But one day, their father did not return from a hunt. And he was nowhere to be found. So Dean and Danni showed up on Sam's doorstep in college and pulled him back in. Danni didn't want to, but Dean insisted. And after numerous hunts and after a while, they found their father again. And they learned about the yellow eyed demon, Azazel. The demon who killed their Mom, Mary. And Sam's girlfriend Jess. And he attacked them as well, wrecking the Impala. Dean and their Dad were wounded, Dean was even dying. But John made a deal with Azazel. To save Dean. He traded his life for the life of his son. He died and Dean lived. But before he died, John told Dean to look after her and Sam. Especially Sam. Because Sam, who got premonitions at that time, was somewhat special to the demon. And if Dean couldn't save him from whatever was coming for him, he would have to kill Sam.

And that was the moment where Danni knew she had to leave.

Her father just died and maybe her older brother had to kill his younger brother and her twin brother. This family was cursed and she was sick of it. So sick of it. Sick of all the drama and mostly, sick of all the dying and losing people. Her Mom, her Dad, and now even maybe Sam? No. She knew she was nothing but selfish to run off some days later in the middle of the night. She left when her brothers were grieving and facing Azazel. When Sam was confronted with whatever caused his premonitions, with whatever made him so special to the demon. She felt awful leaving her brothers alone but maybe her father had been right when he told her once that she was too weak for all of this. 

And now she was back with them, after all those years.

“You know what?” Dean said and raised his hands. “Whatever. I'm tired. We can talk about this tomorrow.”

He walked past her, making his way to his room in the bunker. Danni looked after him until he disappeared.

“So he's still avoiding any kind of conflict? Or emotional talks?” she asked Sam who just shrugged.

“Hunting is not the only thing he learned from Dad.”

“Well, I guess you're right,” she admitted.

Silence filled the air. Awkward silence. It has been years after all since they've talked to each other. Sam cleared his throat.

“Okay, uhm … how about I'll show you around?”

“Wow.” Danni shook her head. “Bobby wasn't exaggerating.”

“Bobby?” Sam asked.

“Yes. I stayed in contact with him and I asked him about the two of you whenever we talked.”

“So you knew what was going on?”

“Sort of.”

They were sitting at the small table in the kitchen. Sam with a bottle of beer in front of him and Danni with a cup of coffee. Sam had told her everything that has happened since she had left them. She got the short version during the car drive to the bunker but now Sam had given her every small detail.

Sam just nodded silently and looked down onto the table. Danni eyed him with her blue eyes and the guilt she had been carrying around for so long laid heavy on her heart. She ran her hands through her auburn brown, layered cut waist length hair. 

“So, whose idea was it to call me?”

Sam took a few seconds to answer. “Mine.”

Danni scoffed. “Of course it was. Should have known. Let me guess, Dean wasn't thrilled by it.”

“Danni, don't make this harder for you than it already is.”

“Sam, I-” Danni started but he quickly interrupted her.

"No. It's … You don't have to explain it. Not to me. I ran away as well, remember? I went to College, tried to live a normal life. We haven't talked for three years before you and Dean came to me, asking me to help searching for Dad.”

“Yes, but I ran away when you and Dean needed me and I didn't try to live a normal life, I kept on hunting. And even when I heard from Bobby what happened to both of you, I did not come back. I mean, god dammit Sammy, you went through hell and back, literally, and what did I do? You know, Dean is right. I should have never left you. You really needed my help.”

“We did. But Dean and I made stupid decisions as well and we respected your decision. You didn't call us, and we didn't call you. And we can't change anything anymore, so why dwell on it? You're here now, aren't you? Just like me back then, you're with us again.”

“Yes. That only means that the situation really is serious. Like when Dad disappeared. We only get our lost family back into business when we really need it and we don't know what else to do, hm? But I still don't understand how I'm supposed to help. I don't have a secret weapon against the Darkness up my sleeve.”

“We need all the help we can get. Even if it's just doing research, hitting the books. We have tons of them here in the bunker, there must be something somewhere. But it will take forever when I do it all by myself.”

“Why won't Dean help you?”

“Really, Danni?” Sam laughed quietly. “Dean and books?”

“... right,” she mumbled and took a sip of her coffee. When she put the cup down again, she sighed quietly. “Do you think he'll ever forgive me?”

“Of course,” Sam said and furrowed his brows. “Why shouldn't he, you're our baby sister.”

“Hey, he may say it, he's four years older than me. But you are just four minutes older,” Danni said and looked at Sam's amused face. “But I'm serious, Sam. I may have been his little sister back then but now after all these years? I've been gone for almost ten years. You know how begrudging he can be. Just like Dad.”

“Yeah, I know.” Sam sighed. “But when the going gets rough, we're family. That's what it all comes down to. Right? He forgave me so he'll forgive you as well.”

Danni nodded. “You're probably right, yeah.”

“So, what did you do all those years? Where were you?”

“I was hunting. In Canada, mostly.”

“Really?” Sam huffed. “Are the monsters there just as nice as the people?”

“Unfortunately not, no.” Danni laughed quietly. “They're just as mean and ugly as everywhere.”

“Now that's comforting to know,” Sam said.

“And I have been in Europe for a while. They have some crazy shit over there.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Bicho-Papão, The Dullahan, Mörkös, Pijavica, Black Dogs. Actually quite interesting if you don't have to deal with them.”

“Sounds like you've been busy.”

“I kept myself occupied, yes. But so did you.”

Sam nodded, still smiling. Then he stood up. “Come on, I'll show you your room.”

Danni stood up as well and followed Sam through the hallways of the bunker until they reached the living quarters. Sam opened the door to one of the rooms and turned up the lights. It wasn't special but it had all the necessary things. A bed, a dresser and a small table with a chair.

“The bathrooms and showers are down the hallway to the right. You'll find everything you need there.”

“Okay,” Danni said and put her bag on the bed. “Thanks, Sammy.”

He gave her a hug and an encouraging smile. “Sleep well. I'll see you tomorrow. And don't worry about Dean, okay?”

“Yeah, okay, see you tomorrow.”

Sam walked out of the room and closed the door behind him. Left alone, Danni sat down on the bed and looked around. So this was going to be her home for now.

On the next morning, she took a quick shower and made her way to the kitchen. She could smell the fried bacon which could only mean one thing. Dean was already up and making breakfast. As she walked into the kitchen, he was standing at the stove, concentrated on the pan before him.

“Morning,” she said and Dean turned around.

“Morning,” he replied briefly and looked at her as she poured herself a cup of coffee. “Seriously?” He asked and she turned around to him, confused.

“What?”

He pointed at her with his cooking spoon. “Nick Cave? Are you still listening to this dark, melancholic, depressing music?”

She looked down at herself, wearing her worn out Nick Cave shirt. She looked up at Dean again. “Yes. And?”

Dean shook his head and turned around to his bacon again. “I don't know what Dad did wrong so you took that turn.”

Danni rolled her eyes and sat down at the table. “Where's Sam?”

“He went jogging. Sammy is on the whole health kick right now.”

“Aha,” she answered and eyed him putting the bacon on a big plate of scrambled eggs. “Wouldn't hurt you either.”

“We're hunters, we live a dangerous life. I don't want to die regretting not enjoying mine to the fullest,” he said and sat down at the table with her. She watched him, shovelling the food in his mouth. 

“Do you even chew or do you just gulp it down?”

“No time for chewing,” he answered with a full mouth.

Danni just sipped her coffee and watched Dean silently as he devoured his breakfast. She looked up when Sam entered the kitchen, dressed in a jogging suit. He was sweaty and his long hair was straggly falling into his face.

“Hey Forrest,” Dean said. “How was your run?”

Sam went to the fridge, grabbed the orange juice and poured himself a glass. “Good. You'd know if you come along.”

“And steal your unique feature? Come on, Sam, it's already hard enough for you being the less attractive brother.”

“Yeah. Right,” Sam said dryly and leaned against the kitchen counter.

Danni eyed both of them in turn. “Some things never change, do they?”

Sam pushed himself off the counter and sat down at the table with his siblings. “So, I did some thinking,” he said. “I already told Dean that I'm having visions again since the Darkness was set free. It started when I prayed in a hospital's chapel.”

“Visions?” Danni asked. “Like when you discovered that you're one of those special children?”

“Yes. And just like back then, I think I'm having them for a purpose.”

“And what are you seeing?” 

“Different things. But I think it's God. But that's not all of it.”

“Wait,” Dean said. “Did you have another one?”

Sam nodded. “I saw the cage, Dean.”

“You mean, the cage? Lucifer's cage?”

Sam nodded again and Dean shook his head. “Why should you have visions of Lucifer's cage?”

“I don't know,” Sam said. “Maybe we should call Cas and ask him?”

“Yeah, good idea,” Dean said. “Maybe he found out something as well.”

“Cas is your angelical friend, right?” Danni asked. “The one who brought both of you back from hell at some point?”

“Yup,” Dean said and stood up. “You'll love him.”

And just a few minutes later, after Sam had taken a shower and changed, they were in the library. 

“And how exactly do you call an angel?” Danni asked.

“You do just that,” Sam said. “You call them.”

“Like … on a phone?”

“Now? Yes,” Dean said. “But before the angels fell from heaven, you could just call out their names and bam, there they were. Super practical. But since they lost their wings they can't do that anymore.”

“Aha …” Danni said shortly. “That's … interesting.”

And then, the door to the bunker opened and a man was walking down the stairs, stepping into the library. He had dark, short tousled hair and he looked at Dean with his blue eyes.

“I'm sorry,” he said and his voice was low and monotonous, “I couldn't come here any sooner, I was occupied with Metatron. I asked him what he knows about the Darkness, considering he was God's scribe.”

“And? Did you get anything out of him?” Sam asked.

Castiel nodded but before he continued, he looked at Danni. Dean followed his sight.

“It's okay, Cas. That's Danni, our sister. We brought her here to help us.”

Castiel eyed her a little bit longer until he raised his voice. “It's nice to meet you. Your brothers told me a lot about you.”

“Really?” Danni asked, surprised. She really was considering that she had been gone for so long. “Well, I heard a lot about you as well. Thank you for looking after my brothers. It sounded like they were lost without your help.”

“So Metatron, huh?” Dean asked and brought the topic back to the more important things.

“He told me that the Darkness is as old as God himself. And that he needed to imprison her in order to create. The earth, heaven, the universe. Everything. But he didn't only imprison her, he betrayed and sacrificed her. Because the Darkness is his own kin. She's his sister.”

“She's what?” Sam repeated, shocked.

“Wait, God has a sister?” Dean asked. “And it's the freaking Darkness?”

Castiel nodded. “He locked her away so she could do no harm. Because she destroyed the worlds he created. And the Mark of Cain was the lock to her cage. And when you got rid of it, it broke her free.”

“Dammit,” Dean grunted.

“Can she be locked away again?” Danni asked. “Like the first time?”

“Possibly,” Castiel answered shortly. “But since she is one of the eldest entities, there's no information about her. Or about how to lock her away again.”

“Maybe not in written form, no,” Sam said, “but what about other beings who had been around that time?”

“What are you saying?” Castiel asked and Sam sighed.

“I'm having visions of Lucifer's cage. Maybe that's the reason why. He's old enough, he was there when she was. Maybe he knows something about her? I guess that's why God is sending me these visions. As a guidance.” He sighed heavily. “I think God wants us to return to the cage. I think he's telling me that that's where we will find the answer to defeat the Darkness.”

“No!” Dean said immediately. “No, Sammy, no way! You're not returning to Lucifer's cage.”

“But Dean, I've been praying to God and he answered by sending me these visions of the cage!”

“It does sound reasonable,” Danni said.

Dean clenched his jaw and looked at Castiel. “What do you think?”

“It's risky,” he answered. “We're talking about Lucifer after all. But he was there when she was locked away all those aeons ago.”

“Risky?” Dean repeated. “It's suicidal. That's what it is. Everything related to that cage and the one inside of it is. You know that, Sam, better than anyone else. So no, it's not gonna happen.”

“Dean, we need to discuss this,” Sam said seriously. “I want to do this. I'm not saying that I'm not scared, I am. But still.”

“There's always another way, Sammy, okay?”

“Then tell me where it is.”

“We don't even know if it's real.”

“Look, usually I would agree with you. But this time? It's different. It feels different.”

Dean pinched the bridge of his nose. “We don't even know if it's possible. Getting into Lucifer's cage which is hidden somewhere deep down in hell isn't the easiest thing to do. Remember how long the demons were searching for him but never found him? So how do you want to get there?”

“Crowley,” Sam answered. “He's the reigning King of Hell, so maybe he knows something?”

“Great, this is getting better and better,” Dean said. “Lucifer, Crowley, who's next?”

“Dean, if we want to defeat the Darkness, then this is what we have to deal with. Whom we have to deal with.”

Dean sighed and looked at his brother. “Fine. Guess our little sister gets to meet the King of Hell.”

“We're not saying this is going to happen. We just want to know, theoretically, if it is possible.”

Dean, Sam and Danni had met with Crowley under some isolated bridge. It was the first time Danni and he had met and Crowley wasn't exactly thrilled to learn that there was a third Winchester who could possibly annoy him. But right now, all of them had bigger problems. The Darkness. And if they really wanted to stop her and talk to Lucifer about her, Crowley was a necessary evil. Crowley looked at the three of them and his face clearly showed his disapproval.

“You do not want to open the cage,” he said. “Conversation is over.”

He wanted to disappear again, but Dean stopped him.

“Is it? Crowley, you know that the Darkness needs to be stopped because she will destroy everything. That includes you too. So tell us, can Sam meet with Lucifer or not?”

“In the cage,” Sam added.

“No,” Dean countered, “not in the cage. Not going to happen.”

“I have to go in there. There's no other way, we cannot let him out.”

“There may be a way,” Crowley said and looked at the three of them. “We need a secure sight, a neutral ground so to say. Where he can't use his powers. In hell, of course. So we can control him. I don't want that abomination running around upstairs.”

“Is it even possible to control the situation?” Dean asked. “Because if Sam is not safe, it's not happening.”

“Theoretically it's possible. But challenging. Not as challenging as opening the cage though.”

“What? You're the King of that place, don't you have a key or something?”

“That cage was built and sealed by God himself. It has a divine mechanism, seals, spells, magic, everything you can imagine to keep Lucifer inside. It's sacred. A mystery. But there's one thing that might have information about something like the cage. The Book of the Damned.”

“And we know who has that,” Dean said and looked at Sam.

“Rowena.”

“My dear mother, yes.”

“Wait, your mother?” Danni finally spoke up and looked at Crowley. 

“Yes. A three hundred years old witch. Dangerous. But powerful. And the only one who can actually read the book.”

“There's just one problem,” Sam said. “She escaped us the last time. We don't know where she is.”

“Don't worry about it, I'll take care of that,” Crowley said. “Why don't you join me in my palace?”

“Palace?” Danni asked.

“Exaggerated,” Dean said. “It's just an abandoned asylum.”

“Thank you for making me look like an idiot,” Crowley said. “Are you coming now or what?”

The siblings looked at each other and just a few moments later, they found themselves waiting in some backroom next to Crowley's, as he liked to call it, throne room.

“Okay,” Danni said, “so Crowley was the King of Crossroads and now he's the King of Hell and his mother Rowena is a three century old witch and they hate each other. And Rowena has some dark magic book which is called Book of the Damned and that's what you used to remove the Mark of Cain which released the Darkness.”

“That's a good summary,” Dean said. 

“And Crowley thinks that there's some spell in this book that might help us with Lucifer and the cage?”

“That's our best guess,” Sam said and shrugged. 

“Hey, I think it's time, come on.” Dean opened the door to the throne room and Sam and Danni followed him. A red-headed woman wearing a long, silver dress was standing in front of them, chained.

“You're handing me over to them? It's beneath even you. They're your enemies as well,” she said to Crowley in her scottish accent.

“Alright, Rowena,” Dean said, “we get it, we're all enemies, okay? But now we got bigger problems. After we've taken care of them, we can go back to killing each other.”

“So the whispers were true? About the Darkness? Is it as bad as they say?” She asked.

“We wouldn't be here if it wasn't.”

“Ah. And what happens to me once the danger is passed? How do I know I can trust any of you?” Rowena asked and Crowley answered.

“You don't. None of us do.”

She sighed theatrically. “Fine.”

“Lovely,” Crowley said. “Then let's talk about conditions.”

He called in a few servants who were ordered to bring everything necessary into the throne room. While they did so, Rowena looked at Danni.

“I think we haven't met yet.”

“No,” Danni said.” I'm Dean's and Sam's sister, Danni.”

“A Winchester.” Rowena smiled. “Finally some female support. This whole testosterone did no good to anybody. Nice to meet you, love.”

“Yeah, I'm not so sure about that for the moment,” Danni replied.

It didn't take long and they were sitting at a table in the throne room. Only Crowley remained to sit on his throne.

“So, the Darkness, hm?” Rowena said. “What's so special about her?”

“She's God's sister,” Dean said. “And that makes her super powerful. That's why we have to defeat her.”

“Can this be true?” Rowena asked, chained to the table. “His sister? It's the rising of the sisters, isn't it?”

“Now you see the need for urgency, mother,” Crowley said.

“Well, since my deciphering of the book is so pivotal then I want to know what's in it for me.”

“You mean other than your life?” Dean remarked.

“Speaking of which,” Crowley said and stood up from his throne. He walked down the small steps and got close to the table. “A little deal, mommy. You pitch in, like a good girl, and I call off my assassins. No more looking over your shoulder. For now.”

Rowena nodded slightly. “I'll need the codex, of course, and the codebreaker Charlie deviced.”

“You get limited access,” Sam said. “Supervised.”

“We need to know exactly this,” Dean said next to him. “How to open the cage, and how to protect Sammy from what's inside.”

“Just, what's in this cage that's so dangerous?” Rowena asked. Dean looked at Sam. He took a deep breath and answered.

“Lucifer.”

“Lucifer?” Rowena repeated. “The original Dark Prince?”

“Yes,” Dean said. “An archangel so badass that he was personally dumped into the cage by God himself.”

Rowena seemed excited and had troubles suppressing her sounds of joy. “Let's get to it then, lads.”

[trailmixedup]

AUGH I FUCKING HATE MY ROOMMATE SOMETIMES! Dude holy shit. It’s thanksgiving. She went home and I couldn’t, so I got a pizza from Safeway to make at home (I’m doing a cheat day celebration because fuck it). They left a shit ton of dishes next to the sink (even though she isn’t going to be back for cleaning day so guess who gets to put her fucking dishes away), so I was already feeling kinda miffed, but then I turned the oven on and walked away to do something else and started smelling smoke. It turns out the last time she used the fucking oven (to make a stupid fucking cheesecake) she spilled shit all over the bottom of the oven and now my apartment is full of smoke and I’ve got a headache and I had to open the windows and front door and it’s cold as balls out there so now the house is freezing and full of smoke. Like. Cmon man. They literally have no regard for anyone around them and I’m legitimately so tired of having to share a house with someone like that. Like please for the love of god you are not the only person who lives here???? You don’t get to just make messes and make my life harder and then go \o/ oopsie daisies that’s so silly of me.

Like fuck man, grow the fuck up! I also asked them to not out me as trans to people and she legit LIED TO ME about doing it… like you’re saying you haven’t outed me to anyone, but a few weeks prior you literally told me that you told your new friend that my top surgeon fucked my nipple grafts up + you told your mom I’m trans + your friends who have come over to the house have all known… like - it’s literally not that hard to be a good person??? So just try????

They also complain all the time about having SO much homework and never having enough time and ugh how to people just do nothing how is college not stressful for some people… she doesn’t have a job and is only doing like 14 credits this semester. They spend all their time on their phone or gaming and then when they’re supposed to be doing homework they go hang out at the dorms with other people and not do homework. And her dad (who don’t get me wrong is a terrible man) has to give her money to pay tuition, so she literally is one of the “daddy’s money” people she complains about even if it is court ordered.

Like first of all you DO have time to do your homework, just stop scrolling through screenshots of tumblr posts from 2015 on Pinterest and sit down and do it. And second of all, WHY ARE YOU STRESSED???? You don’t DO ANYTHING!!! They didn’t even clean until a week ago when I fucking snapped at them and then the next morning they were like “ hey I didn’t appreciate how you talked to me “ and I was like “ okay valid I won’t do that again but also the fact that we’ve lived here for months and you didn’t know where the cleaning spray was even though it’s been under the kitchen sink the whole time and then you didn’t bother to look for it and just waited until I came home from work to ask me about it instead is really giving weaponized incompetence and I can’t handle it anymore” and then they said that they would clean but this past weekend they literally didn’t do anything but wipe the bathroom counters down.

I just. I actually think I might fucking combust.

And I promise I’m not being a hypocrite when I complain about this shit because a of all I literally have been cleaning the WHOLE house (minus her bedroom) for months now and she hasn’t thanked me or shown appreciation ONCE, b of all I go out of my way to be accommodating and barely have any hard boundaries (which she literally still ignores sometimes), and c of all I work 3 fucking jobs, 7 days a week, and am doing 16 credits for which I have classes 5 days a week plus I take care of my dog and my cat and am paying my all my expenses completely on my own (I have federal aid and a scholarship for school but they still don’t cover 100% of tuition).

So yea, I’m complaining on the internet, but it’s not like I can afford to move out and I don’t really have a social life because I spend so much time working and at class and doing homework. This is my bitch and moan space.

[halcyon-digest]

2015

Art Klaudt: Visiting the island of Barra and listening to Destroyer/Hex Enduction Hour/The Del Byzanteens/Twin Fantasy on the way there/back

Anonymous 1: unknown

ava: getting obsessed with the a cappella group pentatonix. joining a twitter fandom for the first time to talk about pentatonix. staying in bed all throughout the end of that summer just watching every music video, vlog, live performance, etc they ever put out. starting high school and getting so excited when pentatonix (or their offshoot superfruit) would release new youtube videos because they would always go online right as my final study hall period of the day was coming to an end. pentatonix were my first contemporary obsession; it was a whole new feeling. it was an enormous event in my life when they put out their first fully original album that fall. the excitement i felt was unparalleled. plus their existence in the internet era (compared to my usual preference for 20th century rock bands) meant there was just heaps and heaps of stuff for me to watch and listen to and analyze and absorb into my being. i can’t even describe how much pentatonix meant to me that year.

kate: I graduated from college and was still clinging to this lab job I had on campus while I tried to figure things out. My boyfriend at the time's parents had offered to let me live at his house (with them) since I could no longer live on campus, until I could find an apartment or a job back in my hometown. But uh... I didn't really. His mom was really judgemental and controlling, even though she would be outwardly nice to me, and I could tell my presence was annoying her but my ex kept insisting it was ok. There were a couple times when she cracked and threw a big tantrum. Once was on his dad's birthday. She would say the most targeted yet indirect things to get under his and my skin, and it would escalate over the course of the evening to full on screaming at him later. I didn't know what to do except to walk out to the curb and cry and think about throwing myself in front of a car. It was traumatizing. But she had her own trauma going on, and abusive exes and even crazier sisters, and there was this whole drama while I lived there and his grandfather was dying that was just awful for everyone involved. Anyways in November everything came to a head and she threw a massive fit that culminated in kicking him and me (his "liberal-ass girlfriend") out. I remember packing and feeling weirdly calm, like the fear had pushed past some limit and saturated and become nothing. I stayed at a labmate's apartment that night and for the next couple days, quit my job and moved home. I tried to pay his mom $600 for letting me stay as long as she did but she didn't accept it. I accidentally left a box of my dad's records there in my hurry to get out. And he broke up with me a week after my birthday in 2016. So it goes.

Anonymous 2: school picture day i  had a really fucked up dye job because i tried to make my hair pink without any help and i did not bleach it nearly enough to go a color that light. i was wearing a grey shirt with flowers on the arms

Lucas: I remember watching some political content on YouTube

Anonymous 3: Walking on the hill with my mother, it was warm and windy, I was the most suicidal I'd ever been, waiting for sertraline to start working, and I had to tell her how scared I was that I was going to die, and had to ask her to help me, even though the knowledge that I was making her have knowledge that her child was suicidal was an even worse feeling than being acutely suicidal

Anonymous 4: Joining my schools weekly tv broadcast (just about school news)

Anonymous 5: Though maybe that happened in this year. Logging onto a now defunct social media site

superswag: Second memory, watching qubo, and being an tablet baby

v0w0v: Playing games online and in person with my ex and his friends. We were in a ranked league of legends team that did pretty well and would play DnD on weekends. One of them was really rich and had peacocks in the backyard. One of the peacocks was named Kevin Bacon. I remember near the end of summer we all went jetskiing on the rich friend's property and I got too excited with the sharp turns and launched myself into the water.

Anonymous 6: Looking online and learning what transgender is from an online post, realising I felt weird about being male.

Anonymous 7: calling someone a cunt for the first time because they smacked an ice cream out of my hand during lunch.

binnie: Super Smash Bros 4... The most I enjoyed school up to this point was definitely playing this game during lunch, it was filled with such excitement even if it was fairly routine for one kid in particular to win all the time.

Anonymous 8: Getting into my first relationship, although it was a short one.

April M. Mildew: I was in bed after watching skeptic atheist debunking videos with a smug look on my 12 year old face and then I for the first time I considered the idea that I would die and there would be "nothing" and that it would just end. I shook with fear. I had to get rid of the blanket I slept with because it was causing the thoughts.

[lizardlicks]

I came out on the worst possible way imaginable.

See way back in 2015 I had already figured out that I was queer, but at the time I was really easy to read as straight and cis. I made the consciousness choice not to come out, not from any fear of repercussion, but because I thought I could do better work for the community as an ally.

I posted on face book a lot. My family are all conservatives, but not the frothing at the mouth extremist kind. They vote part ticket because that's what they've always done. The very lukewarm milk and white toast kind of every day people who still believed the party lies of republicans being the good and moral party who would stand up for working class middle America.

Trump was running for office but it didn't look like his numbers were doing all that good. I had lots of long, thoughtful conversations with friends and extended family. I did the work to post informative links with sources. It seemed like I was actually reaching people.

And then Trump won the election. I watched my queer friends panic. My disabled friends talked about finding homes for their pets so that they could kill themselves with a guilt free conscience because they expected the ACA to be gutted, which would mean a slow, lingering death for them anyway. I spent hours in DM's talking several people down from the edges of dispair, begging then not to give up hope yet.

I dragged my exhausted ass into work the next morning with zero sleep and a pounding head, and spent the next eight hours getting nothing done because I feared coming home to the news that someone I care about might have already thrown in the towel while I was stuck out of reach. When I did log on, I saw one of my conservative family members posts. Something about the losing team should be a good sport, it's not the end of the world and better luck next time. I lost it.

I came out in a facebook rant. "I'm trans and queer," I said. "Know that if you voted red, you voted to kill me. That is not hyperbole. You voted for people who want me dead and my family torn apart. No one is acting like a sore loser, we're acting scared for our lives because we are, and we have convincing evidence to be. The next time you want to talk to me about how you voted because of xyz issue, look me in the eye and remember that was more important to you than me and my friends being alive."

My conservative family didn't say much. My dad replied saying that if anyone went after me he'd kill them... Which a nice sentiment, but missed the point entirely because guns don't stop structural bigotry. He then sent me a blatantly biased oped about how no Pence wasn't REALLY opposed to gays, you guys, chill out!

My spouse's family were a bunch of old school liberals and autistic weirdos. They rallied and sent me so much support, with my mother in law being the loudest. I miss her so much-- not a day went by between then and her last day where she wasn't sending me some uplifting news article or something super gay that she found.

I don't regret coming out. I wish I had done it sooner. It probably wouldn't have made a difference, but at the minimum, hiding who I really was had been so pointless and tedious. If you haven't yet, don't feel like you have to. Coming out is not a required part of the queer narrative. You need to do what's in your best interest for being safe and happy. But my god if it hurts you, don't cut yourself down to fit something more palatable. It's not worth it.

[citybythebayvisions]

Sunday April 26th, 2015

So seventeen wasn’t my best year...

Nowadays I know that it was far from my worst. The running around I did at fifteen and eighteen wore on me rougher, but as much as I hate to ‘cause they sting something brutal, at least I can think about those years. They were so consequential to my life that I’ve been forced to reflect and analyze them enough and I’ve found that, for all of the faults in my teenage chase for purpose, I at least had the energy to keep driving even when the road I put myself on was dangerously steep and rocky. With and without the substance, I was so fucking alive! I wanted to be, so much so that I was capable of saving myself by pulling off those sharp U-Turns from the edge on a dime and channeling my energy in much better and healthier ways. That’s why sixteen and nineteen were my best years during my teens: I worked as hard as I possibly could in every area of my life to cleanse myself of all that chaos I’d stirred and, while the cleanse might not have lasted forever like I wholeheartedly believed it would every time, at least it lasted long enough to bless me with the greatest gift of all when I made it to twenty.

Who, by the way, still isn’t home yet.

But he’s not and...I guess the only reason I have for why he should be is that I’m home before he is. He gets off at nine and has to take the train because I don’t get off until after eleven sometimes and now it’s after midnight…

And yeah, I know I know; Bayview might as well be the boonies, but I would’ve heard from him if it was a three-hour delay. 

Nah, I’ve got him figured out. He’s out with his friends again, and I really hope he gets back before this Adderall fully wears off because y’know, I’d like to see my son for more than fifteen minutes before the crash hits — Jesus Christ, it’s already started. I’ve gone from trying to do something totally different to going back in time to when Jason was born, but only because I hate thinking about when I was seventeen and I wish the jingle of his keys would rattle me out of it — but I don’t.

So we’re back to the year of Sabotage... 

Man, that really song put it all into perspective for me and it’s probably since I played it to death more than MTV did ‘cause shit... ‘94 blasted it’s way in with the same sheer force as that guitar riff and it left me on my knees begging and screaming to God, Jesus, and whoever else could hear me up there in the big blue sky above with the same guttural “Why?” Why did that vile piece of shit have to violate her? Why did he do it again? Why did I have to keep getting beat to a fucking pulp? Why did my dad have to do that to me? Why did my own fucking father want to hurt me so badly that I had to have surgery and recover in a hospital for an entire week? Why did I have to be muzzled like a dog for eight weeks? Why couldn’t the painkillers numb all of my pain? Why did I have to be so terrified all of the time? Why did I want to be alive? Why was everything and everyone I loved on the verge of being destroyed? Why did everything feel so chaotic and depressing for the entire world to suffer too? Why did every day feel like the worst was yet to come? Why did the year have to be so fucking violent? Why? 

There were answers to these questions, but I didn’t receive them immediately. It took years, decades even, to get the pieces together or begin to accept the few of them that were lost forever, but that initial aftershock only made me ruminate in my teenage existentialism further. I drove myself so insane that by the time my birthday came around, I was so drained that I didn’t want to do a damn thing to celebrate. I remember it was a Saturday and I didn’t have to, so this was the one year where dozing off while watching something as shitty as my free rental of Coneheads—fuck I think I’m the only one who watched that awful movie—was as crazy as I wanted to get. What the hell else was there to look forward to? My jaw was wired shut! I couldn’t open my mouth any more than a centimeter or two, so cake was out of the question and I was sick of my vanilla pudding and applesauce diet...

So thank God for birthday cake shakes.

Right around the time I’d drank my birthday dinner of chicken broth that I was also tired of and decided to call it a day, there was this loud, excited, knock on the back door. I didn’t wanna move, but I had to get up to answer my friends, who rallied me out of my self sabotaging defiance to go and get myself one. They literally threatened that they wouldn't leave the back porch if I didn’t do it, ‘cause they were that determined to not let my bullshit deter me from feeling a little better like only the best of friends do just ‘cause they love you and want to bring some light into your shittiest days. It’s the one memory that makes thinking back on the day tolerable, really. At least I’m able to recognize myself there, laughing through the painkillers in a Denny’s booth with my girl tucked underneath my arm and my best friend right across from me. The Pavement tickets he got me were the ultimate mood booster too. The first time I saw them, when crooked rain was all that seemed to fall.

See, that’s the thing; through it all, at least my friends were along for the ride with me. We tried to have fun— looking back, there’s some good times that I can’t believe happened in the midst—but we all had things we wanted that were just out of reach that kept us from enjoying anything as wholly as we were used to. All I knew is that I wanted real freedom, some agency I could use, and I couldn’t have it for another year— more like two since that’s when she could have hers and I was starting to wonder long term about us and where we might be. I was thinking long term about everything and so was Eric, who was in his own crisis since he was about to enter senior year and had to start applying to other colleges. UCLA didn’t work out because of how badly we screwed up our grades in sophomore year and he was knocked out of sorts for the entire summer about being back at square one. It sucked for him since that was his dream school, and I thought it was pretty unfair, but I was happy he was at least on the board somewhere with a plan. College not being my thing was the only answer I had; I was totally aimless and no amount of joints we smoked or mushrooms we did that summer gave me the otherworldly answers I wanted to break through it — though they sure helped me feel better about it. It all worked out, of course, but we were too blurred by our own transitions that we couldn’t see it yet. 

My point is that I get it, Jason. I get why you’re still gone. Seventeen was the first year I never wanted to be home either. My friends were my family and I needed them ‘cause they got me in a way that my parents couldn’t. 

The way I can’t reach him now. 

Look, Jason and I are some real studies in contrast, but I’ve always appreciated and admired how different he is from me. Being the quiet kid who stays in and keeps to himself like he is would’ve saved me from so much trouble when I was younger and he spares me a lot of worry that I know that I gave my mom. He can’t exactly steal my car keys when he doesn’t even care to learn how to drive, much less come stumbling in high and shitfaced when he shuts himself in his room and rarely leaves. I’ve never worried about him ditching school either — shit, he does so well that when he goes somewhere for lunch, it’s called open campus privileges and not skipping lunch period like it was for us back in the day. They’d let him walk out the door and blow him a kiss goodbye before ever screaming down my phone about truancy. I wouldn’t blame them. He’s such a good kid. A miracle of one, I swear. I know more about what he doesn’t do than what he does, but if he’s not doing anything reckless it shouldn’t concern me, right?

Well...it didn’t until it did. I’m happy he keeps himself safe, but all the isolation he subjected himself to back home wasn’t great for him either. I don’t think I saw him leave the apartment more than a few times the entirety of the last few summers outside of going and getting cigarettes—fuck, I wish he’d quit that habit now. There’s worse things he could’ve picked up at fifteen, but geez...he smokes worse than a chimney. 

Where was I? 

Oh right, Jason being elusive about his friends. So when he moved here and started going out on weekend nights, I was ecstatic! It relieved me, because I really wasn’t sure how well he was going to handle this move. He’d lived in the same place for years — the closest thing to a childhood home he'd ever had — and never ever moved out of Oakland before. Outside of my extended stay at Corcoran's best crossbar motel, I’d never done it either— that’s so fucking wild to think about. To know that before February, the closest I ever came to getting him out of that city was the Emeryville border and that was when he was a newborn. The moment I moved out of my parents house when I was only a few months older than him now, eighteen and even more aimless, leaving the city for good is one of the only things I wanted to do. There were so many places between here and Texas that I drove by and could’ve started instead. It took me two days to get there that summer. I was always daydreaming on that route and found myself paying more attention to the houses than the road sometimes. Not like anybody was out there to notice, or nag and shoot my possibilities down. Far removed from the route, I still wonder about it, if range life would’ve made it all turn out different. I betcha it would. 

But she was coming back to California at the end of that summer and I couldn’t leave her, then I had a dealer and decent supply, then not too much later I had a probation officer who wouldn’t let me leave the state, then I was broke, then we had a kid and we had jobs and then Jason was already enrolled in school and then...well...I checked in. When I checked out, I was at the mercy of the first apartment with two bedrooms that would accept a felon and rescue us from that cramped studio she’d resorted to on Telegraph Avenue after we lost our place by the lake. 41st Street stuck and when I checked out again, I was so happy to be free that I didn’t want to go anywhere if I didn’t have to. Then I had to...

Different neighborhoods can feel a lot like different cities; the border was a lot different than the ‘burbs I grew up in and downtown Oakland was another fucking world in comparison, so San Francisco is a different universe entirely. Always was a totally different attitude here and that’s grown even more drastic than I remember. I never spent too much time over here — not from a lack of wanting to or anything, there wasn’t much of a need. When we were kids we’d hop the train or get a ride if there was something we really wanted to see, then when we were adults our trips unfortunately became less about stores and sneaking into concerts at the Civic Center and more about which clubs and bars to sell in and getting quick rock hookups while we were at it so we wouldn’t have to wait for our Oakland guys to cross to light up. Everything’s always been so much more expensive over here that, in all my moving plans, I never thought it’s where we’d wind up. Prior to this, I only knew of Bayview ‘cause of Candlestick. It’s getting torn down now because Levi’s got completed in Santa Clara and last year’s World Series champions moved to a new park years ago. I didn’t really think much about it while scrolling through Apartments.com, I just cared about the cheapest listings that could get us in the quickest, but anytime I pass by the rubble, the sense of nostalgia made me feel something for a place that I haven’t in a long time — belonging. 

I think Jason felt it too. Within less than two weeks of starting his new school, he put all my worries about adjusting at ease — even if it meant him suddenly staying out downtown ‘til two in the morning. After everything he’s been through, I’m not about to get on him for missing curfew or whatever. He’s never had one and wouldn’t take it seriously if I suddenly decided to start one now anyway. And I don’t really want to.  If he finally found some people worth spending so much time with and he’s happy, I don’t want to do anything to mess that up. 

Thing is, my parents at least saw my friends…and at least heard me mention them by name in my rambles, which Jason hasn’t. All I know is that he’s out with them a lot lately, and I seriously might start thinking they’re imaginary if he doesn’t get the slightest bit more specific—

There’s the sound I want to hear.

Keys are jingling in the door and I get up off the couch to—oh shit, I lost? That’s what I was doing! Playing pool on my phone…’til I dozed off and the screen went black and lit up when I moved. Damn...

Whatever, I’ll pick up from it later. Kiddo’s finally home.

“Jason! Hey…” 

“Hey…” He closes the door with his back, ‘cause  there’s a paper bag that he’s holding in his arms. 

“Oh, you went to the store! What’d you get?” 

“It’s orange juice. We werr...out, so I bought some…” He replies, out of breath and sounding as exhausted as he looks. He must’ve walked a mile with this thing lugging him down. I don’t know why! I know he needs it to take with his vitamins, but Christ...an entire carton? 

“Geez, Jason. You didn’t have to do that! I could’ve gotten it in the morning…”

“Yeah, well lit was on the...on the way, so...I got it. A lil’silly to worry about it now... don’t you think?”

“I guess. Just want you to keep it in mind for next time, that’s all.” 

For that anyway. All I can focus on is that he’s still standing there holding the brown bag and...why? I’m not in his way or anything. Go put it in the fridge already, Jason! The faster you put it in the fridge, the faster you can crash! 

And then it dawns on me that I’m equally as stuck standing here looking at him and what the fuck am I doing that for? He just walked a mile and his arm has to be sore and numb from carrying a cold bag for so long. You know how it is coming in that exhausted. Help him!

“C’mon, let me help you with that. Here,” I go over to him, arms out so he’ll hand me the bag and go lay down like I know he’s dying to. 

But the paper crumples. He clutches tighter on the silly thing while shaking his head and I sigh at myself in frustration. Shit, I could’ve approached him a little quieter; he’s so tired that his eyes are beyond bloodshot and….glassy, like he’s been…

Wait a sec...he hasn’t been drinking, has he? 

No! What am I thinking? He hates booze! He always complains about the smell making him sick! Why would he even think to try it?  

But why else does he look like that? Or be slurring?

And refuse to give me the bag?

 “Are you... okay?” I ask slowly. My hand’s frozen in the air, waiting for him to thaw. 

“I’m fine...” He tells me, but his entire face has gotten a lot more red and blotchy in a matter of seconds, “M’just hot...thatsall. Don’t…don’t you think it’s hot in here? I’m sweltering.” 

He tugs on the collar of his windbreaker but he doesn’t hand me the bag or set the damn thing down to actually take it off and that really quirks my brow.  

“...No?”

He lets out a huff and yeah...gum only works for a little bit, kiddo. It’s there. The smell of liquor is still there.

Christ. 

He keeps chewing on it though. Hell, he’s chomping on it even faster. “What…are you waiting up for?…Are y o u alright?” 

“I’m sober.”

A bitter smile twists on me when I tell him that. It’s what he really wanted to know, but it’s clearly the answer we both don’t need to hear tonight. It’s burning his stare; he wanted me to be higher than a kite so I’d forget this sight and never say anything of it to him again — God, how I wish he were right. I wish that I would’ve never known about whatever happened here until he was sober and be so deafened by the ring in my ears that I couldn’t hear his fuming breathing. 

But I can’t ignore it. 

“And I was waiting because I wanted to make sure you made it back—”

“You can’t be serious.”

I sigh and put my hand on his shoulder to show him I am, “Not that I thought that you wouldn’t, I just...wanted to see you. Make sure you’re not just a blur…”

He opens his lids after a moment, looking less pissed. He still won’t talk.

So I switch gears, “Where were you after work, Jason?” 

“The store.” 

“Before that.” 

“Nowhere.” 

“Yeah, now we are, but the booze on your breath came from somewhere!” My hand flies off of his shoulder and sticks up in the air. His eyes look all big again, and that makes me more exasperated. What is he so shocked for? Did he really think I wouldn’t notice?! 

No… no he didn’t. I never did and I should be lucky that he’s not laughing in my face like the cocky little shit I used to be. He’s somewhat sober enough to be serious, a little shameful, even. His eyes are droopy…

“You can’t pull a fast one on me. I caught you too red eyed. You’re drunk.” 

—“Tipsy.”  

“Tipsy…there we go! See Jason, that’s all I want. That’s all I’ve been wanting. You don’t have to lie to me! You know you don’t need to…” 

His eyes screw shut again, and I keep going because I need him to hear me, hear that I’m not mad, he’s not in trouble, that I don’t care that he went out—or that I do but I’m not going to call up his buddies’ parents and rat on them or something silly like that. I don’t know their numbers! All I want to know is where he wasn’t.

But my own words start sounding more garbled and distant to me when I hear him start swallowing down hard. At first I guess he’s getting rid of the gum but he gulps again and again harder, each accompanied by a faint whine in his throat. 

Oh shit…there he goes.

Hand flying up to his mouth, he shoves the bag into my chest, leaving me to clutch onto it while he stumbles towards the sink. It’s heavy and bulky and kinda cold and…yep, definitely a Minute Maid carton. 

“I didn’t think you were lying about the bag!” I exclaim as I set the juice down on the table, because I didn’t…entirely. I don’t know why I said that to him though, it won’t make him feel better. Nothing I say will. His head is down in the sink, drowning me out by the tinny echoes of his heaving and puking. At least he must’ve had some meat for dinner, because I wince as I see red chunks cover the steel sink basin and I feel bad. He can’t help it.

It just never gets easier watching him. 

I never had the chance to get used to it, really. You can’t nurse your kid back to health from 200 miles away. I can’t tell you how awful it was to hear his strained voice struggling through bronchitis to talk to me over the phone, or to hear the report over the line about how rough a night he had every winter when he caught a stomach bug from school and stuck in a cell instead of being there to help him.

His shoulders sink while he grips the edge of the metal, my own hand curling tighter into my arm. Reaching out will startle more than soothe him, he’ll just swat me away. 

Watching is all there’s left to do. 

Jason’s had it really rough lately. He started worrying me when we were trying to move with how winded he’d get trying to lift things into the U-Haul. We were trying to move this dresser that didn’t have drawers and was light enough for the both of us to pick up, and he kept needing to stop after every few feet because he needed to catch his breath. And I know he wasn’t trying to break his way out of it, pure agony screwed up his face every time. He told me he was dizzy, that he’s been really dizzy, and I believed him — he could barely stand up straight! 

I called it a night so he could lay down on the couch and while he tried to sleep I got him an appointment. He was out of school for the move anyway, so they let him come in first thing in the morning. I really wanted to go in with him and find out, maybe get his doctor to persuade him that smoking can’t be helping matters, but I didn’t. He didn’t ask me not to go, and he didn’t need to. I always wanted to go in by myself. He’s almost an adult now, he can handle it — even if I couldn’t. The wait nearly killed me. 

Eventually Jason walked out and slumped over the counter digging in the jar for Dum Dums while his doctor told me that he was probably moderately anemic. Probably as in, she’d already sent up orders for blood tests for us to get done to confirm it. The next place I took him was the lab and she was right! Iron and vitamin deficiency anemia. She said it was from not eating as much of the right things; add more meat and over the counter supplements into his diet and he should be feeling better within a few weeks…

The dizziness did. He quit complaining about it, or maybe it took a backseat to the pills making him nauseous all the time. He really is my son, ‘cause he threw them in the trash just how I threw out Ritalin at the first sign of a side effect after I first took it. He did it right in front of me too, pretty much saying exactly what thirteen year old me told my mom: “I don’t need these, I’m fine without them!”

I wish! 

And I’m glad she fished them out of the can and made sure they were back in my hand time and time again because I needed something. Ritalin wasn’t perfect, but the right dose came as close it was gonna get before Adderall was around. It just took a lot of persistence by my mom and I to get it. Didn’t help that it kept changing as I got older. Two five milligram pills a day that was too much when I was thirteen turned into an okay twenty milligrams a day when I was fifteen and it was all night and day when I switched from twenty five milligrams of Ritalin to the same amount of Adderall. Now that was perfect. I could concentrate without turning into a total zombie, had energy to keep up with a toddler, and still slept well. No doctor will write that script for me now. Too risky! The hurdles I’ve been jumping through to get tens are ridiculous. 

Anyway, Jason wasn’t used to taking pills. Isn’t. He didn’t know how you have to work and experiment with them…even if they are supplements, so I showed him. I got on the phone and got the dose fixed twice…not like that’s much help to him now.

So I’m left to wonder…why would you even risk it? You’re already sick!

Well...I don’t know...why did I? I stood and watched my dad’s battle with it for years to know what happens when you drink too much, and then I forgot all about it whenever I got ahold of the sweet taste of rum. When you’re a kid, you think you and your stomach are invincible until you’re proven wrong one too many times and learn to take it easy. 

At least Jason’s gotten his first one out of the way.

He’s stopped vomiting now and catches his breath for a second. His eyes open to see what landed in the sink…not a good idea, but he’s so familiar with it that he hardly blinks. He just frowns, slowly grabbing the sprayer and trying to wash it out of the sink.

“Don’t worry about that.” I twist the faucet knob back. He pretty much got it all anyway. 

Dropping the sprayer back in the basin, Jason looks over, lost on what to do with his face. It’s a lot, far more than he can wipe away with his hand…

“I’ll get the towels.” 

I rush behind him to pluck the roll off of the table, tucking it under my arm as I walk back. Frown deepening, his head tilts when I rip a couple of sheets off.

“I can get it.” 

I shake my head. 

“Don’t be silly, you’re a mess! Let me.” 

This is my mess too.

Breaking into a shaky sigh, he nods and sticks his chin out for me, like it’s still only strawberry jam stuck there to scrub off. The same sweet little smile twitches from the towel brushing against his cheek too, ‘cause he’s always been ticklish. This was damn near impossible when he was little, I’d usually wind up getting all of it on my shirt from him burying his head there to fight it ‘cause he was laughing so hard and couldn’t sit still. I realize I don't even need to hold onto him now, but he's letting me, he’s really letting me…

“Good.” I whisper after I swipe the last little bits off of his lip, spreading into a wide smile as I cup my palm over his clammy but clean face. 

‘Cause he is. 

None of this changes a thing. It isn’t good; I don’t want him sneaking behind my back to get drunk and I really don’t want him feeling like he has to lie about it, but he isn’t this doomed delinquent…

— “You’ll never see me like this again.” 

His voice is hoarse and hushed, yet this is the clearest he’s sounded all night. 

It’s his apology. 

“Jason…come on. You can’t help being sick.” 

“I can help this.” 

I think my eyebrows would fall off my face if they could go any higher. He’s serious as he can be too, God bless him, and I don’t mean to drag this on, he’s just miserable and is bargaining whatever he can to get it all to end, but…

“You can help being seventeen? Damn, what’s your secret?” I break into a chuckle, hand dropping to pat the satin of his jacket, “That’s what we all said! Your regret is just another rite of teenage passage, kiddo. It sucks, believe me, but… you can’t change it. Standing here feeling guilty’s not gonna make you feel better...”

Especially with how bad he’s started reeling. He blinks hard for a long time, trying to get it back, but it doesn’t do it. His shoulder’s slouched, arm dangling heavier than his breathing, and I have to hold him firmer ‘cause he’s starting to sway.  

“I’m…I wanna sit down.” 

“That would help.” 

I lax my grip when he tries to fumble with it, freeing him to stumble over to his kitchen chair, croaking for the juice once he gets there. 

“One mimosa coming right up.” I smile, but he’s not amused. I guess laughter isn’t the best medicine.

Trazodone is. 

It would get him out of his head and force him to sleep, but you can’t take it after drinking — well you can, I have, but you really shouldn’t. He doesn’t have enough of a tolerance of either to try, so Tylenol PM it is.

I take two out of the bottle and deliver them to him with his glass of lukewarm juice. He doesn’t care, he sips it anyway. Slowly, but that’s okay. He needs to take his time. 

I want to sit across from him, all of my pacing around is probably distracting, but I can’t bring myself to. Not until this is settled, ‘cause if I don’t set the record straight about it now, it’ll keep playing this broken song.

“You know, Jason, sometimes the only way you’ll get to know your limits is by testing them. It’s not always ideal but you live and you learn. Now you know how much your stomach can take and you know to stay away from—”

“Vodka.” He mutters while bringing up his glass. “Half a bottle.”

Half a bottle?!

Takes a hard blink and a grip on the back of the chair to keep me from turning to the sink myself.

 “Jesus…well now you know. And next time you even see vodka, you’re only gonna think about how it had your head in a sink. I know I probably sound lame but I’m serious, it’s a real reflex.”

Just don’t ignore it. 

And I know. If he were sober, there’d be this little curl on his lip, and I’d hear him call me on my shit and question why the same doesn’t apply to me without him even having to save the words. 

Instead he whispers, “I hope.” 

Sure, it’s a rough night and he’s prone to being a little dramatic during his first time in the trenches but shit, he sounds scared. 

Scared that he’ll be sick like me. 

The mere idea of using used to nauseate me so bad when I was good and clean. I’ve been on my hands and knees throwing up just over the thought—the fact— that I’d put that damn dirty pipe in my mouth. It’d be years and I’d start salivating all of a sudden and that was all I could do to purge it.

But now…

It doesn’t matter. Can’t go through all that when you have it there to pick up, when it’s the only thing you have to hold close. 23 years is long enough to acquire the taste. When I light up, I  don’t think about it anymore. Nothing to think about. Nothing to worry about ruining when I’ve already ruined it all. 

I want to grab him, hold on and tell him he shouldn’t be scared. He’s better. He’s so much better. He’ll learn from this, I genuinely believe he will…but mom thought the same about me. I thought the same about me.

 I hope so too.

I’d tell him, but I want him to have the last word. It means more. He has to hope, he has to listen to that fearful voice in his head and let him guide him from this shit, he has to not let this fucking burden be his…

Jason’s eyes are heavier than this tension. He needs to go to bed. 

He pushes himself off the table, this time a little less wobbly when he stands. He might make it there if he goes slow but I don’t know…

“You want some help?” 

“No thank you… I got it.” He says with his palm on the wall, using it as a guide while taking a couple slow steps through the living room. I have to at least let him try, so I pick up his glass, dumping the rest of the juice in the sink. 

About halfway through, he stops in his tracks. 

 “Oh, I almost forgot…” He turns, slouching his back on the wall while he digs around in his pocket for…a skinny white envelope. 

Must’ve went to the bank.

See, this is why Jason is different. There’s no fucking way I would’ve remembered to do that before going out. Stopping to get gas in my car to even  go out was hard enough, much less withdrawing my own money to help my parents with rent.

“Thank you,” I say, sighing to myself as he drops it on the side table. I hate to ask this from him. It’s not right at all, this should be going towards his first car or his first girlfriend or even just some little thing he wants. I need to provide for him, but the move was sudden and this area has gotten so ludicrously expensive that it’s impossible to do it on my own, no matter which way I try. 

But he smiles a little, “You’re welcome. Goodnight.” 

“Goodnight. Sleep tight.” 

I wait, washing the glass until he’s made it to his door and disappears into his room. I’d need a hit to open it with him here.

Need one anyway.

But this money is for fucking rent. I’m not spending my son’s hard earned cash on crack. This is for the roof over his precious sleeping head, not my pathetic addiction. It’s beyond generous ‘cause there’s no fucking way I would’ve given my money up at seventeen, my dad wouldn’t have accepted my help even if I was the only person left on this planet. 

I shouldn’t even open it now, I should wait ‘til Monday when the rental office is open when I can deliver them the check and get it over with. But I should at least count it. It feels kinda thick for what’s usually six one hundred dollar bills…

Because there’s more.

[hopeofitalll]

I remember when 1989 first came out in 2014, I watched the live stream the day before my first day of school. I memorized shake it off (my clean version where I changed the word hella to really for the sake of my parents) the first day. I planned to make one of my parents go with me to target the evening it came out after school since I didn’t drive yet to go buy it. But my dad bought it on his way home from work to surprise me and left it at my dinner place setting and I just. What a happy moment. 2014-2015 was a hard year for me in a lot of ways but 1989 helped me through it and helped my parents connect with me in a lot of ways. 1989tv is reminding me of so many good times, so thank you Taylor

[takasgf]

Continuation under the cut!

> Ok so Morgen goes missing and the announcement gets put up. R.ocket and G.root happened to be in the area and decide to get Morgen back to her parents, for the reward money. They met up, and they try to capture her, but she doesnt fight back and just agrees to go with them. She did want to be free, but impulsively running away from home and getting lost in the literal GALAXY wasnt the best idea afterall. On the way to her planet, she talks a whole lot, like non-stop, mostly to R.ocket because she didnt understand G.root, but she pretty much tells them her entire life story. She is not accustomed to meeting new people yet, so her first social interactions tend to get obnoxious or awkward. R.ocket gets annoyed because she did not shut up for the entire duration of the flight, but does feel a bit of remorse when he brings her back to her parents. It did sound to him like she was being kept isolated and locked up from others, but he couldnt be sure of the extent of that situation. After him and G.root leave, he does keep thinking about her from time to time. I have a really awesome AU in the works, for a situation in which they dont bring Morgen back to Zteamer, but let her join them instead, but thats for another time :3 (the AU i mentioned on my B.arbie redraw post!!)

> Back on Zteamer, Morgen's dad is furious; he cant believe that she ran away, but he is kinda glad to see that she is fine. I mean, the reason he keeps her isolated is to protect her, but the way he goes about it is just not right. To show Morgen what the people from outside are capable of, he orders that her mother is shattered into pieces and her core is put in a glass jar, so that it wont escape. It was a messed up way of saying "Look, this is what the outside world will do to you!". The reason he chose to do that to her mom, was because she also tried to leave the planet one time, and considered it was her fault Morgen ran away. If you wonder, yes, her mom is still alive, its just that now she's a starry floating mass stuck in a jar. They keep her on a shelf. If they open the lid slightly, she can talk to them (she just screams at everyone to let her out the jar😭)

> Morgen is convinced that R.ocket will come back for her one day. She has this spark of hope that she can still escape, in the future. Her dad hires a group of people to befriend Morgen and follow her around the castle and yard, to make sure she's not feeling too lonely. Morgen cant stand them, because they are very superficial and all they do is give her compliments for two hours straight until the paid time runs out and they all go back home. All except... Aeneas.

INTERRUPTING THE STORY to tell you a bit about this Aeneas guy; herez my insta story about it

Ok back

> Aeneas didnt want the job for the money or the novelty of spending time at a castle, he wanted to get close to Morgen. She was happy at first, but eventually realised how awful of a friend he was. He was very condescending towards her, at the same time trying to "win her heart", not because she loved her, but for the reason of getting into the royal family and destroying the monarchy. Morgen DESPISED him, because he never revealed his intentions to her, so he came across as a creepy guy who wouldnt leave her alone.

> As years passed, Morgen had multiple attempts to escape her planet or injure her father, but they were never successful. The worst part, her dad didnt even do much to combat her attempts, he was even oblivious to most, and that hurt her ego because it made her feel weak.

> In 2014/2015, after the events of volume 2 (side note, i had no idea vol 1 and 2 were so close to each other timeline wise😭 explains a lot)) the g.uardians are called on Zteamer by Morgen's father, after the planet had been invaded by some kind of creatures. They had to stay there for a few days, because the creatures keep coming back. This is when R.ocket and Morgen reunite for the first time. They havent forgot about each other, but they havent talked since 2011.

> I wont bore you with all the details for now, but the two had a chance to get closer in those few days. When R.ocket wasnt busy fighting those monsters, he'd hang out with Morgen at the castle. I suppose that's when he saw to what extent she was being isolated, after witnessing the way her father treated her while they were there.

> After they were done fighting the monsters, the g.uardians were getting ready to leave. Morgen pulled R.ocket aside and asked him, as kindly as she could, to take her with him. This was her chance of escape. She could finally be free. He accepted and took her on the ship with him. Of course, Aeneas saw all that and sneaked on the ship himself. The other guardians were worried when they saw Morgen, they've basically kidnapped a princess, even if she asked to be taken with them. They left the planet and went their way. It took a while for Morgen's father to realise she was really gone and board on his only military ship to retrieve her.

> Meanwhile, Aeneas gets out of his hiding and confronts Morgen about running away. He yells at her and insults her quite a lot, creating quite a commotion. Morgen tries to keep calm, but after hearing him say some stuff he shouldnt habe said, she throws him across the room😹 Q.uill has to stop her from hurting him any further, because there wont be any killing on his ship, nuh uh! They drop Aeneas on a random planet and start to prepare in case Morgen's father comes back for her.

This is what i have so far regarding the story line (skipping over details, again), but in essence, Morgen becomes part of the g.uardians' team and continues to develop her friendship with R.ocket :3 and then i.nfinity war happens😅 She survives the snap, which is very fortunate. But that is a story for another time ❤️

Here is the first part of the basic facts, because I have a lot of info and I dont want to overwhelm you all with it all at once😅

> Morgen Krantz is the princess of Zteamer, a fairly polluted planet, isolated in a lone corner in the galaxy. As a species, she is part of the Zteamer people, nicknamed "dolls" by others, due to their porcelain-like skin. They are hollow on the inside, except for a floating starry mass, their "core", that helps them talk, see, move around effectively, pretty much be alive and be able to interact with others.

> Morgen is not allowed to leave her parents' castle and yard. The reason her father gives is that this species is too weak to interact with others, and keeps her isolated to "protect her". Morgen's father, of course, is a human and he is making all that shit up in order to scare the population and remain in power. Will elaborate further later

> Morgen has many hobbies and artistic abilities, since she's been stuck all by herself for the first 17 years of her life. She can paint, cook, sew, she can build trinkets and small weapons out of mechanical parts. Her weapons are always confiscated though. She has a fascination with bugs, due to them being her only "friends" for the most part of her life. Morgen's parents give her anything she asks for, except freedom.

> One time, a ship came to her planet, for business reasons. She was 17 at the time, in 2011. She sneaks onto the ship and flies off with them, leaving her planet for the first time ever. She gets dropped off on a random planet and her father puts up a missing announcement for her to be found and brought back home, for a huge amount of money. I wonder who will find her....?

[archivistbot]

Statement of Vanessa Stine, regarding

a bitter but pleasant conversation with her father. Original statement given September the 10th, 2015. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.

Statement begins.

ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT): My dad was a weirdo. From a family that had moved down to the village of Alcester from up North, he always felt out of place, I think. Whenever we went out to eat, he’d make a reservation with a fake a name, like “Grande” or “Monsieur Pompadour.” He was always making up these stupid jokes that no one else got.

My mom left when I was eleven. She just up and left one day, without even saying goodbye. My dad tried to act like it didn’t bother him, but I could tell it did. He started drinking more and spending more time in his workshop out in the garage.

I remember one time, I came home from school and found him passed out in the workshop. There was this… this thing he was working on. It looked like some kind of machine, but I couldn’t tell what it was supposed to do. I asked him about it later and he just brushed me off, said it was nothing.

But I could tell he was lying.

There was something about that machine… I don’t know what it was, but it scared me. It was this great, big, hulking thing, all wires and metal, and my dad just seemed so small next to it. I had feeling like… like it was alive. Like it was watching me.

My dad would disappear for days at a time, sometimes weeks. He’d say he was going off on one of his fishing trips, but I knew he wasn’t. I think he was going out to work on that machine.

One day, I came home and he was just… gone. His car was still in the driveway, but there was no sign of him anywhere. I called the police, but they never found him. They said he’d probably just run off, like my mom had.

But I knew he wouldn’t have just left me like that.

I think… I think it ate him up in the end. That machine. I think it finally consumed him completely.

Statement ends.