#when i was getting back into dnp last year i was like ‘i don’t really care ab their relationship i like their videos and them so much

[sapphosclown]

everytime i see dan and phil anymore i just think it would be less gay if they kissed on the mouth. if they kissed on the mouth it would be the straightest thing they’ve ever done. i’m not joking.

[pseudophan]

sometimes I like stumbling across archived/heritage phandom blogs bc I was only really active in phandom spaces during their peak like between 2014-17 and I’ve been watching consistently since then but just not engaging with blogs and stuff and I’ve been having the time of my life on here since the revival (just as a lurker/asker/appreciator of everyone on here for their gifs and posts) but then I remember that I ran an Instagram page for that time period and it’s such a fucking trip looking back I’m constantly reminded by old cringe comments on YouTube but wdym I was there for when the radio show and dapg was first announced and why the fuck do I have captions saying “guys pls respect cat” “i hope the 4chan stuff calms down and they don’t get targeted”

NOTTTTT the 4chan thing lmao this sends me every time i'm reminded of it. i love looking through old blogs as well but it's such a weird feeling when their last post was way before dnp came out. like a lot of people were inactive for years but then came back for just a day when big dropped but then some blogs have been fully dead since 2015 and it killllssss me like i need to know what their reaction was!!! stranger on the internet whose decade old blog i found five minutes ago what was your reaction to dan and phil coming out..

[betaphannie]

Do you think dnp hardlaunch is coming ? If so in what way and when?

okay I’m back from work let’s do this you asked for it. 

a huuuge disclaimer ahead: I am NOTORIOUSLY terrible with predicting dan and phil antics. I refuted the idea that they would ever come out for years, I can't predict what video they’re uploading next or the time, and I literally refused to believe the two-flat theory until they confirmed it themselves. do not listen to me to be an actual valid source on understanding what they hell they’re planning ever (I was on tour hill while everyone else was on wedding hill though and I am proud of myself for that).

that being said, my opinion?. only if they got married. long version:

the one question that makes me doubt a hard launch the most is why would they feel the need to do it? ever since they came out, dnp have been very adamant that they do not want their relationship to be public knowledge for people to comment on and speculate about. it’s their private life, and their relationship is so special to them that they’d rather not risk it being negatively affected by outside attention. 

we see now that they are being more open to us and aren’t as hypervigilant about hiding it, and that seems to have made them a lot more relaxed about making videos together. however i wouldn’t say that they are comfortable flat-out confirming their relationship in a way that no one can deny. they know we know, we see it in how they interact with us now, and there is less of a wall between their audience and them. and I think they like it this way.

these past few months, whenever they talk about their audience now, they make it clear that they love the community they cultivated. this time, they aren’t lumped into the group of “british youtubers who are popular right now” and are finally realizing that their fanbase loves them for them. and I feel like where we are now is where they want to be. when dan says they have “no fucks given” anymore, yes you could interpret it as “we don’t care what the world thinks so we’re going to go public” or you could just as easily interpret it as “we don’t care what the world thinks so we don’t have to go public.” I don’t see what making their relationship clearly known to the world would be appealing to them. all the people they care about know they're together, so who cares about these strangers that haven’t cared about them since 2016?

sure, they might be able to use the word “partner” instead of “friend” in videos from time to time (though I’d argue that even that would have people debating if that counts as a hard launch), but honestly as someone who has been closeted for most of their life (yes, I’m projecting on to them again. cry about it.), when I was so used to calling someone my friend even when they were more than that, I didn’t really get that sad about it. being in the closet made me sadder than hiding a relationship, and even when I was open about it, it didn’t really make the relationship more “real” to me. the reality of the relationship is when you’re alone with the person, I always thought. it’s why I always wonder how long a relationship I see online is going to last when the people in it post only about their relationship 24/7. (besides, I don’t think that “friends” is a lesser way of describing what they are to each other. they are friends, and friendship isn’t inherently lesser than romantic aspects of a relationship.)

essentially, as I said up top, I don’t think they would hard launch their relationship unless they had to, which one of those scenarios would be them getting married, since marriage records are public in the uk. do I think they actually would get married? eh. they spent the majority of the last fifteen years with each other and built a house together, so you could argue that they practically already are. plus, the whole time during dab and evan’s (aka the sims they love projecting onto) wedding they talked about how awful it would be to plan one. obviously, you don’t have to have a wedding if you get married, but even then, it wouldn’t be until they came back from tour at the least. on the other hand, I think with all of phil’s medical emergencies they might lean more toward the idea. dan said himself in the mukbang that all the ER trips had them want to enjoy their lives more without worrying what people thought. I’m not sure how it works in the UK, but being married in the US certainly helps a lot when it comes to medical emergencies since your spouse is the first one they usually contact if you aren’t able to advocate for yourself, and of course the t a x  b e n e f i t s. (i feel like i heard someone say they have a joint bank account anyway, idk where and it was a long time ago and im not sure i believe it but just adding it here for consideration)

when would that realistically happen? you'd have more of an accurate answer if you picked a random date on the calender than asking me. dan and phil operate on a version of time that does not make sense to anyone but them. it could be two years or twenty. with how long its been taking for them to just get a dog I doubt it would be soon though. i don't know. there's been so many wild marriage theories over the years that the idea is almost a meme to me.

so yeah, congrats for spawning this wall of text. I don’t want this to come across as overly pessimistic or anything. by the way things have been going, who knows what dnp will do, especially not me (again, very bad at predicting!!!). I think they’ll continue to be disgustingly sweet toward each other and make me feel lonely as hell but they don’t have to post a kissing pic to do that, they can just as easily wreck me in other ways.

Not to sound like a YouTuber (sorry for using a slur 😔) but feel free to sound off at me if you also have Thots, dear reader. we are philosophers and tumblr is our school of athens.

[bewareofthenewphannie]

Hey sooo could u pls share the twitter essay here👉👈

context

thank you for the ask, I'm honored that you want to hear my thoughts on this, and thanks char for sending your anon over to me!

okay, you see the thing is, the reason I blurred it out is a bit anticlimactic: I have no actual clue what I was talking about.

I don't actually know too much about this topic of what the dynamics between dannies and phillies looked like in the past because I've only been here since november last year and have never seen someone really discuss this in depth, I've only seen it being mentioned in passing. So everything I wrote was assumptions I made based on vague posts and my general understanding of dnp's and the phandom's history. I feel like this was enough to get the gist of this across to someone who doesn't really know dnp (apart from my previous elaborate ramblings about them) but not enough to post it on tumblr.

so if somebody has any input regarding this topic please tell me! and if I'm saying anything that's wrong (which is very likely) please correct me, I'm genuinely curious to hear thoughts on this by someone who actually knows what they're talking about :)

I will put what I wrote, along with some commentary, under the cut!

(addition: as I'm writing this commentary I'm realising how little I actually know, so please don't take this as actual information but more as...an interesting case study of how a new phannie perceives the history of the phandom)

first of all some more background info:

the original question was "[are there any people who] only like one of them and hate/don’t care about the other one?".

some shorter messages leading up to the long one seen in the screenshot:

there used to be a dannie/phillie divide but afaik all the way back in like...2013. now there are obviously people who prefer one of them but not in a way that they actively dislike the other one. and within the phandom I don't think there are really people who feel indifferent about one of them cause yk the thing is, these days it's impossible to watch one of them alone. dan doesn't use his channel, we wouldn't even see him if it wasn't for phil and even when he did a live stream thingy for his solo tour, phil was there. and phil either includes or talks about dan in every video he makes. so I guess either you like both or neither, you don't really have much of a choice also, they make it so goddamn obvious how much they love and care for and apprechiate each other and what an important role they play in each other's life, it would be kind of weird to claim to be a fan of one of them and then hate the person they like the most, yk

this was asked in the context of us talking about why there's this phenomenon that if you have a group of famous people who are strongly associated with each other (for example boybands or actors that work together on a tv show), there'll often be one person that is "hated" by the fandom. Their hypothesis was that this happens when "the one hated is either problematic, doesn’t like the other(s), or is more successful than the other(s)".

okay first the relevant part of my answer: I think overall you're right. I feel like if someone's more popular an important factor for them being disliked is that it feels like they think they're better/more important than the rest of the group. or if they all started out together that they don't apprechiate where they've come from, which both obviously hurts people who like that thing this person dismisses. but this also goes the other way, the people who like that person who is more famous often dislike the others in that group for being "jealous"/"leeching" off of the more famous person's fame.

and finally the thing you actually asked about, the long messages froom the screenshot broken up into multiple parts with the afore mentioned commentary:

now the less relevant part which is just me yapping about dnp and why this didn't happen to them I can imagine that at the very beginning some people probably didn't like dan because he was just some random dude, just another fan, who suddenly was part of youtube and attached to phil.

did...did this actually happen? it seems plausible to me, and I obviously know about charlie etc but how did people really react to dan suddenly being part of the AmazingPhil universe? I know it was an entirely different youtube culture back then and everything happened on a much smaller scale, so it's really hard to estimate how people reacted to this back then. in fact, now that I think more about it, judging from old screenshots I've seen, even at the very beginning people mostly seemed to be quite supportive of them and I think dan got an overwhelmingly positive reponse to uploading his first videos?

can't tell you exactly what went down after that but I do know 2012 was incredibly difficult (long story). things were very tense and especially dan was reallyreally defensive during that time and he had his whole "we're two seperate people" phase.

okay, so if there was any time in the phandom where there was serious tension between dannies and phillies it must've been during this time, right? because from recent discussions I know that there was a point where especially phil wasn't exactly treated the best but I don't know when that was. I feel like it would make sense here though.

anyway, at some point dan surpassed phil's subscribers and I genuinely don't know but I would assume that strengthened that dannie/phillie divide.

Again, I don't actually know when this happened (I would assume some time around 2013/14?) and I have absolutely no idea what the actual reaction people had to this was. but if I know anything about fandoms, this definitely must've stirred up...something. I don't know how obsessed the phandom was with numbers but even if it wasn't that bad, I can't imagine this happening completely without drama attached to it.

but one thing you need to know is that phil was always incredibly supportive of dan and the other way round, dan never talked shit about phil.

correct me if I'm wrong, maybe we simply don't talk about this time that much (with good reason) and I know dan said and wrote a lot of things that were very dismissive about some stuff etc. but in the clips and old posts I've seen he still emphasised that they were friends and didn't hate each other.

and thennn they started their bbc radio show, their joint channel, released a book, went on tour in 2015/16, basically they fully embraced their DanAndPhil brand. this was their peak in popularity and from what I've heard people say that joined the phandom at that time this dannie/phillie divide was basically gone by then because yeah, people liked their seperate things but what really made them blow up was the things they did together.

this is based on something I saw the other day. some people who I know joined the phandom around that time were talking about how they luckily never experienced that dan vs. phil mentality. that's why I wrote the things before this paragraph based on the assumption that the worst bit of the dannies vs phillies thing was before that era and kind of fizzled out by the time tatinof came around.

thennn the hiatus of the gaming channel, coming out (soulmates etc.), dan disappers from the internet (phil's just always there chilling btw). okay the most interesting part comes now, dan eventually writes a book and goes on tour. alone. now if we look at our hypothesis this would be the perfect reason for people to start disliking him, but not with them. phil goes behind dan's back to promote his book, before dan leaves on tour they make this video (https://youtu.be/2M2dF_21ANc) [edit: this is dilm in case you're wondering] where they keep talking about ohhh we've never apart for longer than to weeks oooh how will we cope blah, disgusting. dan makes a youtube series promoting the tour which phil is heavily involved with. and yeah, dan has this "I'm a strong independent dan" thing going on, but it's mostly part of his tour persona. (and also he did have to figure himself out for himself because he's been attached to phil since he was 18, so literally his whole adult life.)

I know some people disliked dystopia daily (which is valid but just for the record, I will defend her with my life) and I know some people generally didn't like/were disappointed with what dan was doing during that era. however. I know that's not representative of the whole phandom and I don't think (look at me assuming things again) those people truly hated dan for it but more like wished that things were different.

and then and then! after the tour nothing...until *drumroll* the gaming channel is back! aka, phil pushed dan to start making dapg videos again and dan's actually enjoying it. and they're fully embracing their DanAndPhil brand again. tl;dr I think the reason why this divide isn't there between them is [because of] how vocally and explicitly they support each other.

THE END

if you've made it this far, congrats, you get a cat! ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ

I genuinely meant what I said earlier, I would love to hear more "qualified" opinions on this! feel free to add to this post, completely unravel it...or ignore it if I was too offensively wrong about things :)

[yikesola]

Hi! Happy birthday! I hope you had a good one!

Hello! Hi! Hello hello hi! This was sent an entire month and a half ago bc that’s when my birthday was and it was very very kind of you to send it then but I was not a human at the time so it sat here all the while

I am.. slightly more human. I’m on new meds, I’m finishing PT, my blood work is coming back stable. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, I’m not at all where I would like to be pain and exhaustion wise, let alone concerning the brain. Tummy troubles is another matter entirely. BUT — I have hope of feeling more human for the first time in months and on a more macro scale for the first time since 2019

And I’m digging my claws into that hope. I may be gripping too tight, really, but I have to. I am desperate to not be [redacted] anymore, I am desperate to be able to look at a screen, I am desperate to be able to be upright a few hours a day. I have months of dnp to catch up on, months of friendships I have been a bad shepherd of, and it’s a lot. I’m not fully back up to steam yet, just typing this out I’d say I’m at 30% but here’s the thing: that’s like six times better than I’ve been for like a solid year or more, and especially the last nine ish months. So that 30% is feeling like 60000% (I’m great at math) and so though no I’m not going to be able to catch up on videos and instastories and lore and fic right away like I want to, the fact that doing so is on the table is Great. It’s great. I’m genuinely crying grateful tears at the thought of being myself again, even if only a little bit.

Thank you for the birthday wishes, thank you for thinking to send them :)

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Long Fic Titles (8+ Words) (4) Masterlist

part one, part two, part three

came in from the wilderness, a creature void of form (ao3) - templeofshame

Summary: Dan considers safety, the internet, and rules he wants to break.

can you be sure there's gonna be more? (ao3) - danhoweiis

Summary: dnp go to their afterparty after their last tatinof show in the uk

Cross your legs and hope for the best (ao3) - waterbearer_sun

Summary: Dan is sitting in a lecture, desperate to pee and desperate for Phil to be his.

defining a life by full stops and him (ao3) - zvyozdochka (paperdaisies)

Summary: The book is a window, of sorts, framing your life in neat margins and a mess of brainstorming sheets. It’s easier to see in from the outside, and memories that had faded into a comfortable, if bewildering, wallpaper, are cast into stark relief. You can see, in black and white, how two entities came to be danandphil, and you will be honest with yourself as you try to be in these matters: it is quietly terrifying.

every kiss suspending gravity (but only the lonely survive) (ao3) - whatdoiknowx

Summary: Dan and Phil apocalypse omorashi.

Yeah, I don't know either. Enjoy?

How To Find Your Missing Husband, or, The Amazing Crossover is Not On Fire (ao3) - N_Chu4Ever

Summary: In the year 2063, just as International Rescue finally recovers from the absolute mess that is the Hood's attack on Tracy Island, an event known as the Great Restructuring occurs. Multiple universes are merged together, a teen who is supposed to be dead is revived (and promptly adopted), Sportacus is there... and two longterm partners, famously described as 'actual soulmates', are torn apart.

Will Phil ever find Dan again? Or are they doomed to be separated forever?

I Can Feel Your Pulse in the Pages (ao3) - coldtea (orphan_account)

Summary: Phil is a writer who can’t seem to stop including Dan in everything he writes.

i can hear it now (like i heard it then) (ao3) - kay_okay

Summary: Dan watches Phil light up, and suddenly feels like everything's in slow motion. They're still making their way up 7th, Times Square’s persistent neon glow casting waves of pinks and greens and yellows onto the pale of Phil’s face like a projector to a wall. He's struck by his own memory, their own night up on the Manchester Eye, surrounded by another city dark and light at the same time.

He doesn’t hear a word of Phil’s story.

I guess it's fine (it blows my mind) (ao3) - t_hens

Summary: things get interrupted when Phil's neighbor knocks on the door, but maybe the interruption can be used as a chance to discover something new.

I Know You Really Well (And Like You Anyway) (ao3) - abriata

Summary: At the time, Phil had rather liked the idea of playing matchmaker for two of his friends, especially when one of them was Dan, who seemed like he might like a little support in the dating arena.

In Phil's defense, he'd only known Dan about five weeks. He hadn't learned yet.

I'm gonna keep falling for you now (even if I keep falling down) (ao3) - t_hens

Summary: 'The first night that we met

We climbed up on your roof

You saw the sky light up the way I did right next to you

"We'll take it slow", you said

As we kissed inside your room

You saw the morning light the way I did right next to you'

i quit my dreaming (the moment that i found you) (ao3) - phanetixs

Summary: Phil pulls back when Dan’s teary-eyed and staring at the ceiling. “Whatever you’re worrying about, don’t. We’ll be ok.”

Or, the end of TATINOF and its implications.

lie with me (sew your heart to my sleeve) (ao3) - trademarkblue

Summary: You make me feel safe, Phil. I've never felt like that before. Safe like this. Not for a long time, at least.

A ficlet about comfort and new love.

Stacks of pancakes as tall as my love for you (ao3) - natigail

Summary: Phil loves pancakes and he loves Pancake Day but he isn't really in his usual mood for it when the day comes around in 2021. It's a pleasant and befuddling surprise when he finds Dan has taken on a surprise pancake project all on his own.

The city is so loud (but you drown out all the noise) (ao3) - natigail

Summary: Phil's pack might have kicked him out for mating with a human, but his love for Dan was much stronger than anything he'd ever experienced before. It wasn't easy to adjust to living with Dan in his - now their - small flat in London, but Phil would do it again in a heartbeat. With Dan by his side, Phil was sure he could get used to all the weird things humans did.

Two Chains, Six Letters: On the Edge of 2020 (ao3) - Spring_Haze

Summary: While spending Christmas with his family, Dan discovers an Instagram story that fills his mind with sensual possibilities. He can't wait to surprise his boyfriend on New Year's eve as they continue their ten-year-long tradition of beginning sex in one year and taking it into the next. Both men take turns surprising each other, and the end result leaves each of them speechless and supremely satisfied.

We balance each other out on the seesaw of life (ao3) - natigail

Summary: Phil had dragged Dan to Isle of Man after his return home from tour. The sea air would do him good (even if it gave him hobbit hair) and he could be surrounded by Phil's family (who were his family too). He hadn’t actively planned to drag him onto a seesaw on a playground but it turned out to be a precious moment all the same.

when it feels like nothing else matter, will you put your arms around me? (ao3) - commonemergency

Summary: “Sorry.” Phil says.

His father wraps his arms around him, and the embrace feels warm. It’s an embrace that he hasn’t felt in a long time. It’s like when he was a kid and something scary happened and his father just held him like nothing could ever hurt him because his father was there protecting him.

“It’s okay.” His father quietly whispers into his hairline. “It’s okay.”

He didn’t know how to tell him all the things that he wanted to say, like: I don’t know how to stop my thoughts from spiralling out of control. What if the medicine makes it worse? What do we do if things don’t get better? How do I live in a world that doesn’t have my dad in it?

“Let’s just enjoy right now.” His father says, and he doesn’t let go of him.

when you are young, they assume you know nothing (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: After a misunderstanding at prom, Dan finds himself in a dilemma; should he fall into a summer affair with Phil, or should he make up with his boyfriend of 3 years, Blake?

Based on Taylor Swift's Folklore.

you look so good it hurts (in my favorite t-shirt) (ao3) - phantasticworks (steddieworks)

Summary: Phil is gifted with a "Mega Dilf" shirt. Guess who picked that shirt out?

[feelingofcontent]

DNP Rewatch: Answering SPICY questions I would usually avoid!

Date video was published: 04/30/2021 (X)

DNP Main Channel Rewatch: 439

A sequel to the first one of these just a few months before...not complaining though, both of them are great videos. There was another month between videos on Phil’s channel, but it was still filled with Stereo content until they announced the end of that on April 15. But then weekly videos for 3 weeks starting with this! He had asked for questions in earlier April.

0:00 - his quiff was getting so long again at this point! also I love him going for “spicy” specifically in this

0:13 - I don’t want to read into that actually

0:22 - “from the juice” did not make that better

0:28 - I’m sure he just got this question as a joke a bunch after the last one

0:32 - another question I’m surprised he went for, even if he did start with a joke answer

0:42 - ten years is quite a long time

0:59 - this is very specific. and somehow very interesting even though there is really nothing we can tell from it. he doesn’t have DMs that often...the fifth one is from back in November 2020

1:22 - I agree with him on that

1:27 - “let me find a sharpie” struck fear into my heart...

1:31 - you can tell he did this at the end and then cut it in, because the lava lamp is fully bubbling during this clip when it wasn’t before or after

1:47 - I mean...it looks okay actually

1:56 - that car insurance commercial will haunt him forever

2:12 - “don’t sell your soul to the devil...unless he’s hot” 😂

2:17 - a “kind of” boyfriend. so, someone he just hooked up with, right. he just doesn’t want to say it like that

2:23 - his little laugh and side eye there. I wonder if his parents still watch all his videos, although at this point they must be immune to him saying just about anything

2:43 - Phil once again immediately in love with any hot guy that spoke to him during uni

3:03 - yikes. I’m sure Phil felt so bad when he realized 

3:20 - oh, sad 🙁

3:37 - bleeping himself out there!

3:44 - I feel this. my family is the same. I once accidentally dropped a “fuck” in front of my dad and I don’t know which of us was more shocked

3:56 - sure...let’s just ignore that a few questions ago he was talking about a hook-up asking him to write their name on his dick... 😂

3:59 - of course it did

4:04 - I didn’t know I needed Phil just shouting “tit” into the air until this moment, but I’m so glad we have it forever

4:13 - they were so excited about getting into the new house 🥺

4:30 - Phil clarifying in the text there that Martyn is his brother, in case people don’t know

4:43 - sibling fights getting violent there

4:51 - Phil coming up with a “cool” name to use is always interesting

5:11 - “we hung out a lot” alrighty then 👀

5:18 - awww, poor Phil

5:31 - I love this so much. those were good friends

5:59 - Phil thinking of something funny to do and then laughing at himself for it is great

6:14 - every time they mention the Japan trip I want to weep 😭 they are so soft about it

6:28 - good Phil annotation there

6:37 - that art is so cute!

6:51 - and something cursed, of course

7:04 - Phil really likes to reference that accidental “ASs” tweet

7:09 - this discussion on Stereo was hysterical

7:25 - getting very real there. DNP had to deal with a lot of that and people just using them for views

7:41 - he was proud of himself for that line! it’s a good one

8:02 - honest-Phil. he has a great face

8:14 - he had just made that photo (with Dan cropped out 😂) his icon in several places shortly before this. Dan apparently hated it though

8:26 - that clarification of who Martyn is earlier...no clarification at all of who Dan is

8:33 - the leather shirt in 2013...Dan didn’t like Phil’s look either, to be fair

8:44 - laughing at the idea of Phil just throwing it away at some point without telling Dan

8:47 - wonder if this gave him the idea for Viewers ROAST my outfits!

8:50 - a continuation of the joke from the end of the last questions video

More enjoyable and personal Phil content! So many great videos from early 2021.

For Easter, they were still in lockdown although Kath sent treats. Dan was also busy recording the audiobook for YWGTTN at the end of March and through April. The new house was also making more progress by mid-April, but was not “ready-for-move-in” yet (1, 2). I also wonder if Phil’s dizziness issue was starting around this time; he was already having scans for it by mid-May.

[heartsopenminds]

A meme!

Fic authors Fanworks creators self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you’ve written fanworks you’ve made, then pass on to at least five other writers creators.

Thanks @silentdescant for the tag! Here’s what I picked:

yours to keep (Rating M, 2.5k)

It’s kind of weird to me that I ended up writing a d/s fic, as it’s quite a contrast to most of the other stuff I’ve written. There was an old West Wing fic I read years ago that really explored the trust and vulnerability that comes with submission, and it’s always stayed with me so I wanted to explore a similar dynamic between dnp

next best thing (Rating G, 1.1k)

I know rpf can be controversial to some people, but this fic is all about the benefits of having people who are so convinced that you and your boyfriend are a perfect match and are destined be together forever that they write thousands of words of fiction about it.

words don’t come so easily (Rating G, 8k)

I struggled with writing this fic a lot, it took me absolutely ages. I think it was mostly because I’m not naturally a visual thinker so writing a fic all about portrait painting was quite a challenge! But I’m really glad I was able to push through the endless rewrites and end up with something that I’m actually pretty proud of!

hide your love away (Rating T, 6.5k)

This is the “I love you so much that I don’t care if we never have sex” fic that I think all ace writers probably write at some point :) I’ve actually written two fics along these lines, and to be honest, I’m surprised there haven’t been more....yet!

When stories go wrong

My last rec isn’t actually a fic, it’s a piece of phandom/phanfic analysis I did on an old sideblog. It’s my thoughts on the possibility that some of the upset and frustration we see directed at dnp for stepping back and stopping regular joint content is similar to fan reactions to other content where our expectations have not been met, like the end of Game of Thrones or Sherlock season 4

I’d like to tag  @natigail  @jestbee  @hiwatari @indistinct-echo  @calvinahobbes no pressure, just join in if you’d like to! 

[angelmichelangelo]

I’m gonna speak over anon because I’m literally terrified of phannies coming after me even though I’ve rebranded, I still get hate anons from them even now which is crazy. Anyway. It’s honestly a relief to read a respectful take on why someone’s left the phandom. Your words put my exact feelings into articulation and I think my main emotion is just... disappointment? I feel like dnp hold their audience at an arm’s length now and for good reason. It’s impersonal, and after what we put them through I think they deserve that. The fact that people are still trying to keep some kind of momentum going, hyping up cookie-cutter content or you know, making aus about a literal REAL BABY just doesn’t sit right with me. It feels good and healthy to move on. They aren’t interesting now. Seeing people running full time phan blogs makes me actually uncomfortable. Because I don’t feel like it’s really about dnp so much as clout seeking half the time these days.

anon you are always MORE than welcome to come talk to me about all of this stuff lol (i have a lot of feelings ok?)

and you’re totally right. one of the weirdest shifts for me that kinda gave me the final push to leave was the fact that dnp stopped caring about their audience. and the thing is, dnp always seemed different to other youtubers because they had this connection with us. twice daily livestreams, one a week upload from the gaming channel, twice monthly updates between them… take 2018 for example, if you asked any phannie they’d probably agree that it was the best year for us all because it felt like dnp were on this emotional wavelength with us where it was like: ‘okay this is the content we like and this is the content we’re getting’ and it was so perfectly balanced. it never felt like they were just pumping out content for the sake of it. they could take a boring ass game like ‘google autocomplete’ and make a real good video out of it. that was the content and the dan and phil i enjoyed.

and now??? dude. the mere idea that phil went ahead and deleted all his lessamazingphil videos to reach a larger audience is just…….. if i cared more i’d be mad. they so clearly want a different audience now. im sorry to the phannie moots that follow me still but that’s just what i see. phil’s content went from lighthearted jokey funtimes to ‘oh my god you’re a 30 something year old man making content on the same level as fuckin troomtroom and you’re still making butthole face thumbnails to appease the algorithm.’ and that’s just heartbreaking bro. what the fuck happened. i was around for the cereal tasting video (i never watched it i don’t think i’ve watched a single video since last year) and like………… the hype it got? for a low quality looking buzzfeed quiz type video is just… yeah. dude, this goes beyond the argument of ‘BUT JENNA MARBLES MADE THESE VIDEOS!!!! SHE DID IT AND EVERYONE LOVED IT!!!’ and the difference between phil and jenna was: jenna put a whole lot of fuckin effort into those videos to make them unique. not just: trying on makeup! but instead: ‘trying on makeup and then squirting eye drops into my eyeballs to make myself cry to then see which one is best for dramatic crying purposes!!’ there was a whole spin on the take that i’ve never seen phil EVER do. sorry to this man but he really…… isn’t as creative as he used to be. he falls flat every time in his videos and it makes me laugh when i see the same 😯 face in his thunmbnails with the most boring looking video idea painted in bright colours. this is the same man that was making those wacky ass videos in 2009? could have fooled me. are we sure he isn’t working for buzzfeed or something because that’s the vibe i get from him lmao.

and dan. ohhhh dan. OH DAN! he’s fed up of his audience too. at least he’s got the balls to at least half admit it (or maybe he’s just stupid idk lol) but yeah. he’s not coming back to youtube, or at least, in a way that’ll bring him back the views. he doesn’t care, and he hasn’t cared for a long time. i’m not sure what the hell he’s doing and like i said: to those running phandom blogs, you’re tough dude. you’re tough as hell because how anyone can scrape together content for this man is beyond me lmfao. he either wants: real intelligent smart people audience from his book (i have so much to say about that i could write a fuckin book) OR he wants: gay 30 year old men audience from his…. *sigh* his weird horny tweets he makes once a month. im sorry but WHAT?! THIS is a man that people want to stan????? AND ANOTHER THING: that hideously awkward livestream thing he did for AIDS… did nobody else think it was just SO HORRIFICALLY out of touch for him to making SO MANY “im such a horny slut i slept with so many people i got so many diseases”…. for a charity stream…….. for AIDS????? im sorry but how gross. that…. that fucked me off so bad im sorry but what the actual fuck is wrong with this man?? his content it all over the place and frankly i thought it was all awful. if this man ever does do a stand up comedy show like he’s been alluding to then holy shit THATS maybe the funniest thing he’s ever said in his life because that man ain’t funny (and he never had been im sorry i always was too scared to say that in the pits of phandom hell but yall need to hear it: he’s not got a single funny bone in his body and really honesty? neither does phil. they’re only ‘laugh worthy’ because they’re acting like the mf chuckle brothers).

that’s the impression i get. dan and phil have never been more disconnected from their audience. their merch is horrific like seriously what the fuck phil why are you charging your fans £70 for something i could get in primark for £15?! because again: their merch was always a plus for me (not that i ever bought it personally) but it was nice to know a youtuber wasn’t just slapping their name on a shirt and going DONE! it always had a theme or a connection to them, their brand, an inside joke or whatever. now phil is making…. couch club merch??? what the fuck is that? also side note: when i went onto their website to take a look at it i actually cried laughed at the fact that he’s selling the socks separately. phannies, you’re in deep i tell ya. oy vey.

so yeah im probably gonna piss everyone off with this huge rant but frankly idc anymore lol phandom is probably gonna die out anyways because how can you keep a wholeass fandom afloat on the algorithm appeasing content squeezed into 10 minutes and a man that is too embarrassed of his audience to ever give a shit about them. like, if u like their shit and u wanna keep ur blog about them: go for it everyone should enjoy what they wanna enjoy but also this is my opinion and if anyone wants to come crying to me about it like ‘b-b-but emmy YOU were a phannie once! ur just a jealous ex-phannie doing what all ex-phannies do which is be mean a bitter!!!!!’ like…… ya. why do you think everyone that leaves phandom starts being honest about them? because in phandom dnp can do no wrong 😌 and in phandom you must be nice to smol bean phwiw lester and danny howell 😌 otherwise all the big phannie account will come and eat you 😌 lmfao but yeah that’s all i have to say i guess. boy, this felt theraputic as fuck. and also im sorry you’re getting hate anons, i get a few filter through as well like… idk, phandom is just insane to me and now im like the final girl in a horror movie, standing in a pool of blood like: oh shit. i’m alive! lmfao

thanks for the ask anon, take care <3

[ahappydnp]

just curious u dont have to answer but since u have been in phandom forever do u regret stuff u did before

No, that’s a good question and I’m happy to be honest here! Yes, I do regret interacting and engaging with content that I shouldn’t have. The first time I engaged with (or even had heard of it) certain content, it was under the impression that dnp were ‘secretly homophobic straight bros making a mockery of actual gay people and they’re actually really awful and here’s a master doc to prove it’. So I went in ready to have my perceptions of them altered? Then quickly realized it...wasn’t that. (This was circa 2014ish and also the thing that made me get into the forum sites and start to engage with the community after 4 years of being a casual fan). But am I going to sit here and say that was the only time and that I haven’t seen archived posts/information I shouldn’t? No, that would be a lie.

Fandom culture, especially nonfiction, is complicated in that we’re used to consuming all information that is available. So it’s easy to just consume everything you come across without stopping to consider personal boundaries of its creators. So yes, I’ve definitely seen things that weren’t for my consumption. I’ve definitely engaged with things that should have remained private. However, I will say that I have never once directly engaged with dnp about those things. I didn’t really even engage with them in any context until relatively recently (I stayed firmly behind the 4th wall for most of my time here).

If I’m honest, I think my biggest regrets are some of the assumptions I made about them and their motives over the years. When TATINOF/TABINOF was announced I definitely was in the group of thinking they were “selling out”. I was frustrated and assumed the worst of them when they had only shown the opposite, that they were passionate and genuinely excited about the projects. I feel guilty that I assumed their motives had changed and they were going to become yet another youtuber who wanted a quick cash grab. (I especially felt awful when they reacted to the blacklash...that shit hurt). I remember Dan making that exam video in 2016 and me assuming he was trying to push out the old audience because the younger fans are the ones with expendable income and he just didn’t want us anymore. I remember thinking they would give up YouTube for the radio (lmaooo). In reference to my last post, I unfortunately was one of the ones who got mad at dnp for grouping us all in with those people who weren’t respecting their boundaries because I didn’t want to be associated with them (when I should have been empathetic that of course they couldn’t differentiate between who was doing what. All they knew was their community wasn’t respecting their wishes. (It felt like when the teacher yells at the whole class but you weren’t talking and now you’re resentful because you’re 12 and have a complex about authority figures).

And I definitely feel residual guilt about everything they’ve been through with the community. Even if I didn’t say anything to them directly, I still hate that they had those experiences. (Once again, it’s the whole class got yelled at and now I’m sad and want to fix it mentality). Sometimes I wish we as an audience could have a candid conversation with them about everything that’s happened and we could say some apologies and have some kind of resolution, but also that would involve digging a lot of old wounds back up for everyone and bringing things to light that maybe some people don’t know about? (It’s the counselor in me that’s like...let’s talk about this <3) BUT I do think they’ve forgiven A LOT and there’s not as much underlying resentment as some people like to believe.

[deadandphilgames]

Hello so I still have a dnp account on here (it’s my main tumblr account loool), I wasn’t one of the ‘well known’ phannie tumblrs but sometimes my posts did well and I really enjoyed being here but I feel like I just... dropped of the earth in terms of fandom tumblr cos I very suddenly stopped posting in 2018 asdsfhs. I started lurking again last year, and I’ve been liking peoples posts etc and I kinda wanna start posting again or at least like talking to people who like the same thing as I do but it feels kinda scary cos I don’t want to impose on what yall already have, basically I was just wondering if you had any thoughts on this kinda thing adsfjajs

youre absolutely not imposing at all! i understand that insecurity i felt the exact same way when i started actually posting and interacting on phannie tumblr but everyone here are so kind and lovely, people come and go all the time so its not weird for you to come back to posting after disappearing for a while. maybe you can start signing off some anon asks/sending them from your main if you wanna talk to people. i would definitely recommend getting back into posting / talking to people on here, its a good time and everyones always welcome here <33

[shookethbrooketh]

phil’s q&a: a summary!

i know it’s quite long so the major points are bolded! 

tony is now in a massive tank phil bought with automatic feed because he refused to let him die while he was gone 

someone wants phil to make amazingphil vases

he came out now because he thought his story would help other people :( 

he’s been to EIGHT vidcons and his first was his favorite because he felt cared for and got to meet his idols i love him 

phil talked about how he stans safiya 

one of phil’s favorite videos to make was the tour of his brain and another was his coming out video, which was what he was the proudest of

he was worried about posting his coming out video but he got such a positive reaction from both us and other people that he’s really happy he did :’(

phil’s advising that rather than trying to copy other creators and focusing on views and numbers you should focus on what you want to make and the impact you can make on even one person

phil says that he doesn’t worry about people missing his channel because he trusts that we know that he’s always working on something even if he’s not putting out constant uploads

phil is working on a ~mystery project~ and he has written part of a script for something that he’s wanting to get made and has pitched to people..... hmm 

they asked how much he keeps up with the phandom and everyone started worriedly mumbling sjfksdfsk 

he said he wants to let us have our space because he knows we don’t want him looking over our shoulders and won’t see/check anything if we don’t @ him in it, although he does check his @’s and appreciates the phandom’s art greatly 

his favorite meme is anything involving a dog

“i would love to get a dog” he’s not quite ready for the responsibility of a dog yet, but he wants to get one in the future and is considering graduating from tony to a slightly larger animal if tony is alive when he gets back 

he literally told his concierge that he’s leaving tony and he should save tony in an emergency i love him so much 

phil got his socks out for the lads.......they were waffles 

awkward storytime: phil was on a train and sat beside a woman and she started rubbing phil’s leg and it turned out she had her eyes closed and thoughts he was her boyfriend who had gone to the bathroom...... press f for phil 

phil’s midway through stranger things season 3 

phil’s advice for writer’s/creative block: it happens sometimes, and it really depends on the person, but for him it helps to talk to someone, go out for a walk, or take a break. 

phil wasn’t really scared of performing at ii because he knew everyone watching him already loved him and it just felt warm and fuzzy and he never wanted it to end :( 

phil never had a “burnout” moment where he wanted to quit youtube, but he did want to disappear from the internet once when he was in a car insurance ad and people recognized him from the annoying commercial rather than youtube and he was afraid of fame (this was pre-dan)

someone on twitter said they loved him and he said “love you too” :(

phil’s advice on social anxiety: everyone else has their own anxieties and thoughts rather than focusing on you and your insecurities. “your brain is lying to you” and not everyone is staring at you. you should also push your comfort zone at times because maybe it’ll be easier than you think! 

he is against the storming of area 51 and doesn’t want to get shot. he does, however, love the alien in the doorway meme

someone asked if the gaming channel was going to come back, and phil said they took a “hiatus” because dan didn’t want to to any youtube until he came out. he also said they just wanted to take a break and think about what to do next, which is something they haven’t done yet. they also have realized that we enjoy the bants more than the games, so they may bring it back as a gaming channel or as something completely different. they just want to try different things and move forward however they see fit, and they haven’t quite figured that out yet. so (my interpretation) it’s going to be a little while still, but they do have all the plans in the world to bring back the channel, even if it doesn’t come back as “gaming”. 

there is apparently a tiny pig at vidcon and it is adorable--go on grace helbig’s instagram for a pic 

phil’s advice to teenagers: don’t stress out about really small things that are in your head at any particular time. think of whether it’ll matter in a month or a year, and if it won’t try to realize that it’ll only matter for a little while longer and move on. 

phil’s youtube “guilty pleasure” is cooking videos despite the fact that he cannot cook (another guilty pleasure is cat videos) 

phil’s favorite piece of merch is the candle 

favorite tour memories: new zealand in general and the tour bus; they’re also gonna hopefully meet up with their tour crew 1 year after the show awh 

phil loved going to vegas and manila, and he still wishes they got to go to mexico 

phil watches jenna marbles 

phil’s advice for mental health and social media: consume the content that makes you happy and not the content that doesn’t! you don’t want to wake up and look at things that hurt your mental health; create your social media so that it’s as positive of a space as possible 

if he could only have one social media other than youtube, he would have twitter so he could interact with us :( he generally sees the twitter phandom as a positive place within his @ replies 

on the plane, before they took off, the pilot came on and said they were having an issue. in this pilot’s 20 years of flying, he’d never had this problem before. someone’s toiletries had just been yeeted onto the wing of this massive two story plane. they were delayed for TWO HOURS while they got a CRANE to get the bag off of the wing. others were panicking because they didn’t know what was in the bag, but dnp just seemed to find it funny. 

phil’s proudest of their two tours, especially ii :( 

according to phil, they’re not planning another tour right now, but “never say never.” he doesn’t want to jump into another tour, but he says that they may do another one when it feels right. 

phil currently has $42 in his wallet. thank you alana and anush.

phil would be happy to collab with safiya, jenna, and anthony 

he said he hasn’t filmed a video without uploading it except for a long, boring personality test 

phil was asked what we’d be called if we weren’t the phandom and he just said he liked the phandom skdfljsdkf 

phil’s senior quote: there is never too much candy. 

phil’s advice on rejection (especially related to collabs): don’t take it to heart; people might not realize how important it is to you! rejection will lead to a better success. 

phil submitted a pitch for a “show” he wanted to make last year and got rejected excuse me what?? 

he thanked everyone for coming to the q&a rather than the other exciting stuff at vidcon :( 

[phanfictioncatalogue]

(TW) Addiction (2) Masterlist

Links last checked: May 11th, 2022

part one

Addiction (wattpad) - yayyphan

Summary: When Dan buys cigarettes to a store who has a cute shop assistant.

Aurora Borealis (ao3) - itsliamor

Summary: Dan is a man of the night. A hooker, a hustler, a sex worker as you would call them nowadays Phil works with an organisation specialised in saving young adults from the illegal prostitution industry. Tonight is the first time he's officially on his own, his first solo mission.

California (ao3) - dualmoons

Summary: Two boys from vastly different lives cross paths due to their love of 80s nostalgia, and the vintage Cherry Red Ferrari from the film Ferris Bueller's Day Off. The simple beginnings of a spectacular relationship and a rollercoaster of a trip to recovery.

Come Back Home - kawaii-kanai

Summary: It’s been years since Dan’s rise to fame made his and Phil’s relationship come crashing down; but in that time not a day has gone by that he hasn’t thought of him. After some unsavory shots of Dan gets passed around the media, Phil begins to worry about Dan’s health, no matter how much he tries to deny his leftover feelings for him.

Demons (ao3) - glitterhowell

Summary: One night Dan and Phil have a terrible fight which results in Dan storming out of the apartment. Dan finds himself in the neighborhood he used to get drugs from the only thing is Dan has been sober of any drugs and alcohol for over six years. Will Dan be able to resist his old comfort and fight the temptation? Will one night ruin his entire life?

In Bloom For You (ao3) - parentaladvisorybullshitcontent

Summary: "Even if you look...” Dan falters.

“What?” Phil says. Dan's half-smiling, avoiding Phil's eye. “Even if I look what?”

“Like,” Dan hesitates, licking his bottom lip, and Phil's heart squeezes tight in his chest for all of half a second. “Well, you don't look like a trained killer, put it that way.”

In which Phil's an ex vampire hunter who's entirely too preoccupied by Dan's dimple and his eyes and his laugh to notice the fact that he might actually be in love with a vampire (Sequel to Hanging Out With Corpses)

Let Me Be Your Call Boy (ao3) - auroraphilealis (peachrosepetals), embarrassing_myself

Summary: After coming out as gay to his friends on his birthday, the last thing Dan is expecting is to be gifted a call boy as a present, let alone one that’s been paid for for the entire night. Allowing Phil to show him the ropes is his first mistake, paying him to come back every week is his second, and using him to convince his parents he really is gay is his third. As a successful lawyer, the money isn’t the problem - falling in love is.

Let the Human In (ao3) - rainbowchristy

Summary: It's just a regular workday for Phil. Doing rounds with his patients, helping out with the occasional emergency department case. The only difference? He has one new patient in the ED. One found unconscious on the street. One who starts throwing up from seemingly nothing. One, with a very dark backstory and no hope for the future.

Or, Dan is being sex trafficked and Phil's a psych resident who just wants to help, even if everyone around him is telling him he's too invested.

light my candle (ao3) - sadlybunny

Summary: Dan's heat gets shut off, so he heads downstairs to his neighbor's flat for a match. There's something about this boy that's so familiar...

(literally just light my candle from rent but its dnp)

The Act of Recovery - etoilesdephan

Summary: When Dan arrived at the household of the newest recovering drug addict, he expected it to be the same mundane, but important work that he had committed to a few years back. What he didn’t expect was that his whole life would be turned around one tentative step at a time, and what was supposed to be his work would become his own salvation.

The A Team (ao3) - your_starless_eyes

Summary: Drug addiction was the one road Dan and Phil never saw themselves taking when they were younger.

Fortunately, they have each other, and that makes living on the streets a little better.

--- "I-I want to die h-happy," Dan replies, his brown eyes swimming with tears. "This- this isn't happy, Ph-Phil." "Happy does-doesn't exist for m-me," Phil replies flatly, "but I'm w-willing to give you a chance." *** "Is this happy, Dan Howell?" Phil asks quietly. "I don't know," Dan admits, "but it's not miserable, so it must count for something." ---

Based on the song "The A Team" by Ed Sheeran.

The Paces (ao3) - StumblingBlock

Summary: Thanks to the actions of a clueless high schooler three long years ago, Dan really doesn't see the point in investing in having a future anymore. And he's fine with that.

The weirdo with the hair who's deluding himself into thinking Dan is some kind of destined BFFL, however, keeps raising objections.

Rude.

[glitter-intheair]

For me, the :/ in the joint-shop-for-the-holidays thing (which I expected) is mostly that they're trying to have it both ways. They work to separate their branding, but suddenly danandphil is back when it's financially convenient. It's a time the capitalism of it comes before the Boundaries that are supposed to make us ok with not having joint content. There's a hypocrisy in that & a reminder that their relationship to us is capitalistic, just not to the point of giving us what we actually want.

Yes, exactly. I mean, there’s so much talk about dnp not wanting to be perceived as a duo anymore and that’s okay - that’s their decision, whether we like it or not. But it can’t be a surprise if people side eye them when they suddenly are okay with being seen as a duo again for the holidays, a time where people tend to spend more. As you said, there’s so much hypocrisy in that. That’s why I didn’t like it when they filmed those shoutout messages for people who bought their merch last year - they don’t want to “monetize” their relationship, they want to be private, we can’t see a picture of them together anymore, but suddenly we get a private selfie on a card and video messages with both of them if you buy their stuff? So what does that mean? That they ARE okay with giving us joint content in a post-coming out universe but only if we pay for it and the rest of the year we have to settle with 2/3 mentions of each other in a tweet or Dan’s foot in a Phil’s video? Honestly, I think the phandom always overestimated dnp’s relationship with us, forgetting that most of the time money is the main factor. For example, if there was actually a predominantly caring factor in their decisions, if they really wanted people to save money when they buy merch, they would keep their shops always merged, since so many people complain about the shipping being too expensive. But they’re not doing that, so..

[feelingofcontent]

DNP Rewatch: Viewers ROAST my outfits!

Date video was published: 07/12/2021 (X)

DNP Main Channel Rewatch: 444

This seemed like such a random video concept.

0:01 - Phil starting with a squirrel impression...seems about right. also the golden pig is still missing after Dan hid it in Phil’s last video

0:06 - I can’t imagine dealing with this level of notice from Phil

0:26 - the “nervous boob grab” and the self call-out 😂

0:28 - I love that he’s willing to laugh at his past self

0:38 - some of these roasts are so good...starting out with a perfect one. that was quite the selfie back in 2016

0:48 - it is a very loud sweater

0:56 - he was amused enough by this one to include it even though it was from VPMO and not his fault

1:15 - I had never really noticed that before...but yeah

1:20 - okay, I’m with Phil on liking that one

1:45 - I want to know what other shiny things he picked out for the house (besides the golden pig)

2:14 - his favorite spon to have

2:31 - “I mean I’ve got Dan”... “I mean I’ve got Dan” Phil really just saying things I guess 😭

2:45 - show us more of this shelf Phil! they got the plushie when they went to a pop-up shop for Final Fantasy’s 30th anniversary. and they were apparently playing a lot of Final Fantasy during this month too

3:10 - oh uni Phil. the era of many of the looks that appear in this video

3:18 - again...this one really wasn’t his fault. I love the editing here where he put current-him on the TV in the past clip 😂

3:29 - yes okay that one is bad

3:39 - these two are more the hair issue than the outfits I think

4:05 - “caught in a moment” sure

4:28 - we were seeing...um...a lot of those gray shorts in summer 2021

4:43 - well that's a change from VPMO 2 when Dan said Phil was the only one who didn’t like how that shirt looked

4:47 - an unamused but still slightly amused Phil. here’s the unedited version of that, lol

5:02 - “those bomber jackets” like that he’s apparently grouping Dan’s matching-ish one into this as well

5:10 - this might be the worst one 😂

5:35 - that is quite the photo...just in what situation was he wearing that and posing like that. Phil doesn’t even have a further comment

5:50 - he says he’s doing the top ten but then gets distracted and does some of the others too

6:08 - oh, babies! he does look so nervous even in just that tiny clip

6:27 - I wonder how many tweets he read through before picking out what he would use for this

6:38 - patiently awaiting the “fashion moment” where Phil wears a crop top

6:45 - they really did dress to match the branding during the tour

6:54 - yeah Phil has a lot of random-phrase t-shirts...I don’t think he can comment

7:04 - always an oversized green hoodie as a sick hoodie over the years 🥺

7:15 - awww! he’s had that shirt for a long time (since at least 2015). and now every time he wears it I think about how he must have wanted to feel confident like this on that day

7:18 - he sort of managed an actual wink there!

7:26 - “a lot of gay vibes” is a perfect description of pco-Phil’s content

7:33 - he did bring it back later in the year for a video

7:43 - I really really thought he wasn’t going to mention the Dan mention in this tweet thread at all...and then he just read it out! and commented on it! so far from the (especially Dan’s) constant denial of clothes-sharing back in 2011ish. it really is a shared jacket 🥺

8:02 - he really does look good in purple. and blue. and black.

8:07 - well this Twitter thread/poll was from before VPMO 2 was made, so...

8:13 - this “number editing” became a bit of a thing for a few videos

8:19 - more aww! I think you can see that in his content and that’s probably partially why that got voted as the top look

8:38 - a lot of Dan mentions for no real reason other than he can. the casualness is so nice

8:54 - the annotation editing here is great 😂

9:01 - he had mentioned how bad this was in Answering Questions I Would Usually Avoid

9:18 - every element is pretty bad

9:48 - and now so does he 😂

10:09 - slight eyebrow raise at him saying “wedding” twice in a minute of video

10:28 - nice Phil!

10:39 - I love that he doesn’t seem to care what people think about his clothes

Honestly, this is one of those videos I was not that excited for from his initial tweets asking for the “best outfits” thread and roasts. But then I ended up really enjoying it; one of my top solo Phil videos from 2021, actually.

[madzilla84]

update

Did anyone ask for one? No. Does anyone want it? Probably not … I guess there’s still some small part of me that misses having a Livejournal.

In general, things have been - better. I started going outside a bit more from late-ish July, but honestly I don’t know if I started feeling better because I started going out, or if I started going out because I was feeling better…? A mystery. But mood tracking app - surely a reliable source of mental health info lmao - seems to agree:

(woohoo, only ‘significant burden’! i think that’s about the best you could hope for in 2020. and this was a few weeks ago, and I feel better now than I did then, so.)

I’ve been off work for the last 3 weeks - nothing wrong, just 2 weeks of scheduled annual leave, which I needed very much (I think part of why I was feeling bad was because I hadn’t had a break since February), and last week I had a week of jury duty. The break was much needed and I can feel the difference.

I started exercising again in July, and ugggggggh ok fine I admit I do feel better because of it. I’m never gonna be a gym bunny, I’ll probably never *love* it but I can’t deny the benefits. I go 3 times a week which is enough for me. (Though I only went twice last week and this week - last week I was pretty wrecked after court each day and this week I am focussing on being lazy.) Going outside again was strange at first, like the previous 4 months hadn’t happened, but it didn’t take long to feel (mostly) normal again.

I’ve also had a couple of social things, which has been nice - one lunch out at an outdoor restaurant, and one bbq at a friend’s house. (She moved in recently at the end of my street; while I was sitting in her living room I could look out of the window at my own flat. Weird!) I’ve been thinking a lot about Dan’s tweet about who he realised he wants in his life after lockdown, and it’s just. Interesting.

I’m DELIGHTED it’s September and the start of the best months, the -embers and -obers; it’s still pretty warm and mostly sunny here but it’s really nice, the bite’s gone out of the warmth. Not long now until it Gs the FO entirely. \o/ I’m still playing Animal Crossing every day, (unlike some people, smh poor abandoned Pickle). 

Jury duty last week was fascinating. I didn’t even know if I’d get picked - they call more than twice as many people as they need in case anyone can’t do it for whatever reason (if one of the lawyers is a family friend or something), but I did end up being chosen. (No. 12!!) We were the first post-covid jury, and the first socially distanced one. 

I *can* talk about the case now it’s over, but I don’t think I will, because the subject matter could be pretty triggering, but it was often a tough week given the nature of it. Having said that, something about it was very satisfying. It was fascinating to see how the courts and lawyers worked, and the whole process, and it was good to work with the other jurors. (Days on end of talking to actual humans was actually pretty good, for the most part.) We were all just thrown together, and we had differences of opinion of course, but it was still a good experience to work with them. It felt good to be part of something like that, something that mattered, and to feel like a part of the community in such a real way. I can be quite good at putting aside emotion to look at the letter of the law, which in a case like this can be very challenging; some of the other jurors struggled with it a great deal. (This isn’t to blow my own trumpet or anything; many would argue it was *me* who had the problem, in much the same way they often say lawyers are heartless, which isn’t true most of the time)

The case ended up being dismissed as the jury couldn’t reach a consensus - we got slated on social media (which of course I didn’t look at during the case, I caught up after), but we all stuck to our convictions and I know it was right; there’s a lot the public didn’t know or understand. As tough a case as it was, I’m glad I got to do it, it was a privilege in many ways. (But, I wouldn’t mind if it was a long time until I had to do it again, you know? lol.)

We had our phones taken from 9-5 while we were working - it’s the law - and I thought it was gonna be the worst after being glued to it constantly, but it was actually quite nice lmao. Not that I didn’t end up glued to it again once the case was over.

Fandom-wise, I have - finally - ended up taking a step back from the phandom a little bit in the last month or two. I want to talk about that a bit because it’s a complicated topic, and I see a lot of concerning posts - mainly on Twitter - that if you don’t maintain a certain level of dedication, if you join another fandom or get into something else or aren’t sufficiently devoted and supportive you - aren’t a true fan? Or something? Lots of posts along the lines of, ‘all these people getting into kpop/tv show/whatever, smh, don’t think we won’t remember when dan’s project drops and you all come running back’. It’s just a bit - weird? Like, it’s *perfectly normal* if people get into other stuff while dnp are cooking whatever they’re cooking (or not cooking, or whatever)? Or just move on, but still enjoy D&P? 

I’m not, like, dramatically leaving the fandom or anything. Hell, I haven’t *left* the fandom at all, I’m still here every day, it’s - more of a mental shift. Because prior to July/August-ish this year I really wasn’t in a good place with it. I wrote a thing earlier this year about struggling with writing, and belonging while not being a content creator, and other things … the issue is that, as I tend to do with my fandoms, I get too overinvested. And sometimes, that’s okay - whatever gets you through the night and all that - but in this case, I wasn’t enjoying it any more. Some parts I was - I’ve made the best friends I’ve ever had in a fandom here, and I really like seeing everyone on here - but in general, I was spending a lot of my time feeling anxious, resentful, worried, angry and frustrated. I spent a lot of last year and almost all of this one waiting for Godot; hating the “new normal” and desperately waiting for - something that’s never going to come. I just couldn’t deal with it; probably for reasons bigger than just D&P but that’s how it manifested. I got more and more frustrated by the content we were getting because it wasn’t what I’d hoped, and I hated feeling like that. It took up way too much of my thoughts and every day was just waiting, and wondering, and worrying. And I got so, so sick of it.

So, where am I now? Well, it was inevitable really, but I just started to - let go, a bit. I didn’t throw my hands up and go, ’bah, screw these guys!’, my mental focus just shifted (for my own good), and I started focussing on other things. Other fandoms. Games and hobbies I can distract myself with. I’ll admit it wouldn’t necessarily have been my *choice*, you know? But reality is what it is and I’m - relieved, really, that I’m not unnecessarily tormenting myself about it any more. It took me a long time to reach this place - too long, really - and, for now at least, it’s kind of nice. I can just enjoy things if/when they pop up without the accompanying sadness and anger about how everything is changed, about what has ended and what I’ve “lost”. (And it’s not 100%, by the way; it’s still there, just - quiet, now.) I can look at, I dunno, someone’s gifs of Dan or whatever, and just smile about it rather than feeling that grief. (Or, feel it, but not to the exclusion of everything else.) It’s - nicer.

And it isn’t at *all* that I don’t care any more, I still love them, of course I do, and will continue to follow them and watch everything they do. I’m not going anywhere. I still have notifs on, though they don’t quite send my heart into my throat like they did. ;) In a way it’s helping me love them more, because now when I watch them I enjoy it more, appreciating the fun and the bants without laser-focussing on my own anger and sadness. I’m still attending our little daily phannie watch-alongs, where we watch a couple of eps of DAPG and an anime. I’m still on phandom tumblr/twitter on the daily. It just - has a slightly smaller portion of my brain and mental energy now.

It was a step I needed to take, but also one I’m not sure I could have *chosen* to take, not without deliberately leaving and cutting it all off completely? And I didn’t want to do that. I’d hoped I’d get to this place earlier than this - some 20 months after the fact - but better late than never, I suppose.

(Also, disclaimer - fandom and the human heart are funny things, and I fully accept I can and probably will be sucked completely back in at any time.)

Anyway! SEE YOU AT THE QUIZ :D