#when i say like. im a hard person to care abt. LIKE THATS NOT me being all 'oh guys throw me a pity party :((' like
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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#i feel the way i feel and i dont owe it to anyone to hide my sadness </3333#also i just have bpd and even somewhere many ppl have that u cant even say anything but im just having a breakdown now 🤷🏻♀️#anyway what i wanted to say is that i AM sensitive and emotional and stupid#and it does hurt so much when the person i want and love doesnt feel that way for me#and i feel bad saying stuff like this bc ppl dont really understand but#i dont feel..: a whole lot... for anyone but him thats just how it is#so he IS a loss he IS so hard to lose and thats just how i feel#and it hurts sm bc hes the only one i wanna talk to but i cant#i know this is smth most ppl deal with in life and like it's just part of being a human#i just everyday keep thinking of things that remind me of him or i read a book i wanna tell him abt and then the pain comes back#bc the thing is i kinda only want to talk to him abt it all bc i just dont /feel/ a lot talking to others#that doesnt mean i dont appreciate it or care i just dont know how to explain#maybe it's my avpd? but i just dont feel happy or nice or good or comfortable or excited or interested in the same way :((((#i dont know i barely know what im talking or thinking about#and i keep saying the same things over and over again im just so sad and it feels like i always will be#bc i have bpd and then the pain feels all consuming and like it will never end and its just so hard to deal with#and even if it might be true when ppl say stuff like u deserve love or you're gonna find someone else etc#im not ready to receive it bc i only want this specific person and i get that many ppl deal with unrequited love and its part of life#but i AM scared bc im 25 and i've never ever met anyone i feel even a fraction for what i feel for him#what if im someone who doesnt get many chances w ppl? what if im cursed to be alone and never find anyone i have a mutual connection to????#so therefore i just wanted thought believed and hoped it would be him#and yes i acknowledge that a lot of it was just me wanting that and not realizing reality but its still how i felt#and as a bpd girlie my emotions are all consuming 🥴#so bottom line is i kinda just wanna die bc i wanna talk to him every second bc im crazy and mentally ill and since i cant do that im in sm#pain hahahah :D#and i will complain abt it bc it hurts so much idk what to do!!!!! ☺️
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im gonna answer the other ask later but TRANSFEM SCARY I WAS. ALSO THINKING HBBBGNN
#willy goes both ways abt such things bcus. one he is a misogynist and a homophobe or at least was on earth. obviously#and he still holds you know that. hypermasculine toxic mindset as of s1 based on the uhhh#“overly feminine namby pamby” whatever he says#(kicking myself for not having it memorized)#but i assume that he encountered more variable things in the forgotten realms that may have made him more normal abt. gender variance there#god okay i. hes not. he has an opinion of “you can be a freak if you want whatever. ill play pretend with you. ill tolerate it.”#i really like transmasc ron for similar reasons.. of.... especially when they meet in the cabin where hes cooking fish#and willys like “thats right get some bass in your voice boy !!”#like i know its just regular like. ron isnt masculine enough. but it reads very sarcastic....#“get some bass in your voice” like . you wanna be a boy so bad okay. ill humor you. hahahah. man up then.#um but transfem scary i like a similar. thing. of.... tolerating her being a girl and playing along but always being.#kind of chiding about it.#im so worried were not on the same pagw#which is fine obviously but i get so shy abt when. someone offers me headcanons that i dont agree with and i have to be like#“hahaha yeah whatever you say” like i cant say anything back cus its Wrong to me. BUT.#god though yeah her. visibly being hard around him & its both deeply sort of gross but very flattering to him like. i can work with this...#i think of him as a. opportunist. hes not into cock & not into kids really. dwindling upwards of teen girls but eh.#so when a cute troubled teen girl is literally. offering herself up to you at your feet man its like. why would i say no !! ♡#hes more into taking advantage of her than any of her personal details you know. like her as a person doesnt really. matter. who cares#shes available and stupid and looking to him for advice and validation.#sorry again i havent LISTENED TO ANY OF THIS. I CAN BE WRONG#didnt anthony make the joke abt willy not being brave enough to try pegging. maybe this is his chance#who said that. who. said that#you really want to manipulate a teen girl then you humble yourself and suck her cock and shes yours forever.#im crazy. im crazy#.dxt#scary
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#*problems occur on a project multiple ppl r working on* my boss @ me: what do u wanna do?#me. disastrously burnt out: i couldnt not even to give a fuck abt all this. i dont care i dont care i dont care#but thats not what i say. i say ok ill talk to the ppl and see how i can drop everything to help. and that probably means driving an hour#away to the other uni which is irrationally terrifying to me to the point where it will probably destroy my whole week a prevent me from#sleeping when i already am struggling to sleep. but its fine. ill get it done and itll be fine. for this stupid fucking project i dont#care abt. ay its so weird. ive never been this angry abt things. i mean its not even really anger its more dispair and frustration but it#manifests as just wanting to scream and throw a fit like a toddler. and i mean its my fault. i dont have to live the way that i do. i mean#i do but in an irrational compulsive way that i cant entirely control. but like its Saturday and i sepent 6 and a half hours taking#measurements and then met with my boss for like an hour and she was showing me cool imagines and talking abt cool new collaborators at her#new school and im just sitting there trying to maintain a smile bc my brain is semi disconnected from my body and im so exhausted#ugh. my brain is so fucked rn. i dont want to drive with even lower functioning thsn usual. and i was gonna meet my friend Tuesday morning#for once. and i might have to drive back and forth multiple days. ans what's my reward if were successful? two fucking weeks of watering#and measurement taking and i might have to stand around other ppl in all that time as well. usually im off spinning in circles by myself#amd looking unapproachable. i dont want to have to b a person around the undergrads#god im so weird. its like from the outside perspective if u were looking thru the window at me u would see me using a hammer and assume im#putting something together and i am but im also hammering nails thru my hand which no one asked me to do#so then why do i have to do it? ugh. thats y its a hard thing to complain abt bc ppl r like oh it sounds like ur compulsive habbits make u#productive and successful and yea sure but they're also destroying my life. im laying on the floor doubled over in pain and ppl r like oh#look how useful u r. who gives a fuck everything feels stretched and distorted like im suffering some sort of selfimposed Devin punishment#whatever. fuck this. tomorrow ill try my hardest to relax. literally i cant remember the last time i stayed in bed until at least 7am. ugh#but i also have some bullshit i have to get done tomorrow so well see#uuuuuugh let me leave this place @ schools send me ur official offers pls i wanna plan out my life for the next 5yrs#unrelated
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not to be cheesy and gay but breaking up has been the best thing to happen to me. i get to remember who i was before the r/s (less anxious all the damn time and not codependent on one person) and i remember what its like to enjoy being By Myself and not having to overthink what someone is doing without me.
#egg boils#because its just wow when u stop caring abt the one person u want validation from u start to see how u have a whole group of ppl who love u#for who u r and remember things about u and thats all u need rly... ifucking love my friends <3#not to mention with pmdd and all he was simply Not Helpful nor Understanding and its partly my fault for delaying my diagnosis but idt even#meds couldve helped the relationship LOL#i do want to be bitter always abt the fact that i lost a YEAR for this idiot and losing MYSELF to this person but i will simply look forwar#to what the future holds and next time when i say im not ready for a relationship im gonna fucking stick with it. or when i say we shld#break up maybe dont pull the u can fix me shit#NAYWAY.#i love my friends so much love for my friends#and so much love for myself#one thing i think abt a lot is when we broke up and i finally got over it was how when i got angry i stopped thinking about how i needed to#kms and how maybe perhaps just MAYBE he's the one who shld be gone instead like it was never me in the end it was Never Just Me#also one thing that taught me was that i am simply not made for seggs sorry for censoring like a fifteen year old but yeah. no thanks#also perhaps maybe i was never attracted to him idk. hard to tell given what i was like (extremely obsessed and also much more affected and#desperate when things were looking rough) but who Knows.
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yeah ok having my pronouns respectfully feels pretty fuckin good
#the bin#ive been really fed up with everyone i know using exclusively she/her so i changed my nametag to say just say he/him insteds of he/she#i usually dont even wear my nametag bc it always getd wet and it just smudges but im supposed to so im just gonna redraw it everytime before#i leave for my next shift. it doesnt bother me from my coworkers bc like. they dont know. but everyone else in my life never used he him for#me. today was the first day i wore a he/him nametag and both my coworkers i was working with like. apologized to me if they offended me by#calling me girl and stuff and. idk. its just nice that they noticed and cared. i wasnt expecting anybody to notice at all really#and i told them that they can still use she/her f9r me but i prefer for people to use both. idk. i hate being seen as JUST a girl.#im a boy too. its not about what im not. its not about what pronouns make me unhappy. its about what i am and what does make me happy#i knew the one coworker wpuld be chill abt it bc she has a trans kid who shes supportive of but the other one i wasnt sure#i heard her make some comment abt they them pronous referring to a specific person but it was cleatly petsonal business so like#it seemed kinda transphobic but i dont have any of the context snd she seemed really chill before that so i figured it just sounded bad#out of context and i was right so thats reassuring.#i dont have gender dysphoria but it still fuckibg hurts when people refuse to respect who i am. i wanna tell people im a boy and a girl and#they respect and believe me when i say it. i do have some people in my life who do but they always default to girl me#and like. i know i look super feminine and i dress super feminine. plus i am still a girl. but the boy part of me is just as important#most of the time im actually presenting the boy side of myself. the boy inside me oikes to wear frilly clothes and the girl inside me wants#to become a shadow. but people look at me and ofc think girl.#idk. its beens hard to get the people i know to actually care and respect my gender and everything bc i havent like changed my name#and i dont present any differently and i still use she her in addition to he him. so they think the additons im asking them to respect arent#important. if some of the time its exactly the same as before then thats fine. but literally never ever referring to me as a boy and with#he him pronouns is bad. just bc she her and being a girl dont make me feel bad abt myslef doesnt mean you dont have to also acknowledge#the he him boy parts of me. like. dont a deserve that basic respect? idk.#i mostly changed my nametag to jsut make myslef feel a bit better. like at least something refers to me that way. something sees me as a boy#even if its just my nametag i wrote myself#but it was definitely worth it
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something that peeves me is like. i dont even know how to explain this but sometimes people will try to comfort me when what im saying isnt meant to be all boohoo sad im just like. being realistic. like i appreciate the effort like genuinely so much but like. it almost feels patronizing? and like disingenuous?? to make it easier to understand like. im wasian! if i said 'i am wasian and it sucks sometimes' and you say 'nooo yr not wasian stoppp dont say that abt yrself!' that just DOESNT MAKE ANYSENSE!!! like its litearlly just a fact??
#and OBVIOUSLY no one is saying this abt me being wasian. which btw is white-asian mix idk if yall know that#anyways no. okay FIRST OF ALL. i understand like. people who are constantly self deprecating are like a lot. and that can be so draining#and i totally get that but im being sooo serious i try so hard to not be that but like#when i say like. im a hard person to care abt. LIKE THATS NOT me being all 'oh guys throw me a pity party :((' like#im just trying to state a fact! i am just aware that it is a fact about me!! like its okay!!! i get it!#and I KNOWWW it still comes across how i dont want so i need to just stop saying it but GRRRRRRRRR#esp when it just comes up in conversation. like 'oh actually i dont rlly have any super close friends' is not self deprecation guys#it is LITERALLY just me stating a fact. like I JSUT DONT HAVE ANY SUPERLCOSER FRIENDS I DONT NEED YOU TO COMFORT ME ARRGGGHHH#and again i do appreciate it it makes me feel very cared for when people try to comfort me at times like this. but at the SAME TIME.#ITS SOOO ANNOYING!!!!#okay while im treating my blog like my personal diary again. and on this same thought process like#one of THE MOST AWKWARD THINGS!! as someone who is genuinely like. a very unlikable person#(as you can probably tell from my blog) like........ i feel like a lot of people dont get it#and like!! all my friends say things and im like. no that literally has never happened to me because as a general like#most people dont like me!! i dont have those experiences!!#ALSO LIKE NO THE AWKWARD THING i lost my train of thought IS TRULY LIKE#THE FACT THAT I CANT BE LIKE. 'yeah so im like. inherently unlovable or damn near close !' BECAUSE ITS ACTUALLY SO AWKWARD#like even i can filter myself out enough to never ever say that because people do not know how to respond at all.#WHICH. IS TOTALLY FAIR but honestly like again!! i dont want you to try and comfort me i know its a fact i dont like#well it still upsets me and all. but you're not gonna change it lol like. its okay i promise LMAO like im okay#(side note i literallydont know what the number of tag limit is anymore so if any of this gets cut off. so sad!!!)
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You could drink your whole life away and still never get that taste out of your mouth.
half commission for @salempie half completely self indulgent dreck pieced together from our insane conversations abt franke and elka. told myself id finally write a big explanation for all of the dum shit between these two for context so Thats Under The Cut.
so I already wrote some stuff about elka and franke's relationship back in whispering rock so feel free to look at that too . it goes over elkas blindness/‘seeing’ with clairvoyance and how her and franke started talking & all that good stuff
SO FOR STARTERS. a lot of thsi wont make sense without a big breakdown of elka herself. because elkas potential as a character is like insane to me. like just the idea of her in the long run of her life reads as something so potentially tragic; a young girl whos plagued with visions of doom and destined to be an outcast even in her own home for things she cant control and clings to the One vision of her wedding that she thinks is 'happy' even despite the fact she doesnt really love the person in it. im choosing to take the li-po doc as canon here because its funny shes the only one with backstory-
but my fucking god even the smallest look into what her parents are like is soo fucked up to me. and i do think elka especially gets a lot of influence from her mother; its funny how easily you can fit mabel doom into a box just from what elka says about her. knees deep in an avon-esque pyramid scheme and leaning into her daughters depressing ass visions & taking her to therapy at age 11 (which would be good if not for the kind of person you can already assume she is & so i doubt the therapist she has really does her any good. i think they share one). she reads as a very I Am My Daughters Best Friend type of mom to me and i can see elka being a centerpiece of the conversation when she has her Amway Girls over for drinks. wine-mom that lets her kid sip from the glass so she can feel like a big girl type deal.
and you can tell that elka is trying to hard to be too mature for her age even in her campster posts. how she writes letters to nils' mom and exchanges baking recipes with her and that feels like she really only interacts with middle aged women and not really many people her own age outside of camp (like her moms friends). which makes sense shed feel the need to ‘grow up’ early when shes probably had to process so many hard things at a young age bc of her visions.
theres a lot of filling the blanks here of course.
elka obsesses over nils to an overbearing degree even despite the fact he treats her like shit ('you promised no talking' and so on) and she treats him bad right back. she leans onto stereotypical heterosexual ideals like taking care of him and overblowing how Manly and Protective JT is and she admires romance stories like pride and prejudice and it feels like she Projects Soooooooo much of what she wants onto boys she barely feels anything for without knowing what its actually supposed to feel like. and clearly she WANTS that ideal future, a happy marriage, an actual romance- but according to nils even when they were dating she ignored him most of the time, which just seems Very Telling
like shes filling a role, overcompensating for emotions and lacktherof she cant digest quite yet, and it only makes more sense when you know shes had visions of their future together. how could that be bad for her? shouldnt it be like the books and movies? but she doesnt really connect the fact that her visions are only for Doomed futures, and if she does she certainly doesnt show it. Doomed relationships. it's been a part of her family for generations and she isn't turning out much different, is she? i dont think she even realizes thats all she ever sees yet, just that its Going to happen. that it's Her future, and it always will be
and like, her only reference for a real marriage so far has been her own parents, and she already Knows they have an affair, and theyre doomed to split, (and i actually like to think they were in rough waters anyway and elka was a child meant to mend a crumbling marriage but thats a whole other thing) and so without a framework for what an actual healthy relationship is supposed to be like she cant really grasp that her relationship with nils Isnt that and isnt ever going to be. she can only cling to this one happy idea of the future, and thats why she keeps chasing him, self fulfilling the actuality of her situation and creating and fostering the unhappy life they will inevitably live together.
and that bleeds into everything else in her life, of course, because as the years go on, as the visions grow in number it just makes sense for her to fall into the predictability of her life. she always knows whats going to happen, her visions are Never wrong- so why try to change things? shes had time to process tragedies days, weeks, months, years before they happen, shes had time to settle into every crack of her life. her parents divorce, her various break ups, her future with the psychonauts.
“and she's already seen so much of a future with [nils] she feels trapped almost. Like she has to be happy in it or else it just means her life is miserable. And it's a mixture of pride and fear of the unknown that keeps her clinging to the One thing she knows. BUT LIKE!!! She knows what's gonna happen! It's easier to grieve when she's been grieving for years... She wants so badly to be happy, But to do that she has to step into the unfamiliar. And that's more terrifying than staying the same miserable person she's always been.”
and thats where franke comes in— and yeah you Do have to take a lot of liberties for frankes character since it’s basically, like, all the info for her is just that shes a Supreme Baby Dyke but thats enough for me. i think she has protective butch itch in her . on campster shes defensive over other women evidenced in the way she keeps watch over the girls cabins for lili when elton is pursuing her . but shes also eager to please and constantly trying to make kitty laugh and also Very naive. but she tries! and i think it only solidifies more as she gets Older and really gets a hold of her feelings & her powers. this is incredibly franke to me
and i think as they grow older together— because i think franke and elka Do stay friends, both because elka is just pathetic and needs that positive connection even if she doesnt realize it and because i think franke is a very Loyal person & annoyingly persistent if you let her be . and i am also a kitty/franke truther. because kittys also important in this web we weave
because i think franke and kitty stay together after camp, to a point— theres a falling out facilitated on kittys end and they break up, but reconnect, and franke kind of... saves kitty from herself a little, from her strict military father whos love only extends thru finances , from her own stifling future , she drives all the way to bakersville in her shitty van handmedowned from her dad and they move in together eventually . they get jobs at the motherlobe , because it’s a pipeline to a decent job, because it’s whats easy, because franke doesn’t really have a future, because she’s never really been good at much, because shes never had much sense, because franke doesnt really care as long as she can live and help, sometimes, if she can, and because kitty’s there, and because elka’s there, and shes so used to being elkas eyes now and shes good at it. shes good at being the muscle of the missions when her colleagues lack it, when hypnosis and predictions arent enough. she likes it that way.
and elka appreciates frankes company. she listens, shes sweet, she does little things for her that no ones ever really put the effort for before; she likes her. franke is strong and bold and makes her laugh and shes always there but god elka cant let go of that future, of that box shes put herself in, that her mothers put her in, of being a Good Wife to a Loving Husband, of getting married normally and falling into unfailing familiarity. thats all shes ever wanted and shes not going to jeopardize that . not for franke, who may not be a boy but is handsome like one, whos always held her after every break up with nils and the men that filled empty days inbetween.
and elka is too stubborn to recognize those feelings anyway. too prideful to accept a way out. too set in her cycle no matter how much she hates it, her little self fulfilling tragedy of her own making, wallowing in her own doom. she struggles for control of her own life when she feels like every choice has been made for her anyway, she puts up her walls and carefully constructs what people see. but franke was always harder to trick, because while empathy isnt a particularly useful psychic power it’s certainly an inconvenient one. all franke has to do is get too close and all those carefully crafted walls fall apart, and elkas control is gone, and thats all she really has. and she tries to distance herself, really she does, but franke is also too persistent. and elka wears gloves, keeps contact that would make her walls crumble from happening as best as she can, but she cant really keep herself from the brief moments where she feels like someone actually fucking cares about her.
and that slightest lack of control, the need to wrestle it back is why she proposes to nils the next time theres a falling out— she knows how it happens, she plans every detail. and he accepts, despite everything. gets her a cheap ring and it feels like lead on her finger and its nothing at all like how shed thought it to be when she was a kid, theres no feather light feeling in her chest, only that dreadful reality that she cant turn this back. BUT WHAT CAN U DO LMAO
elka doesnt tell franke about this engagement until later, on their way back from a mission. late at night when neither of them can sleep, and franke invites elka to smoke in her van, because its been so long since theyve been alone like that, because elkas been so strangely absent lately. and because of everything, because frankes always so damn nice, because elka hates the feel of the ring on her finger, because she let herself get high alone with franke fucking athens whos always been so good at pulling her apart— the truth of it all spills out and its messy and emotional and she hates it, she hates the life shes made for herself, but franke makes it easier to bare and now shes here and shes so close and god she wishes she could see her smile again, she wishes she could see franke, thats all she needs right now and she cant but she can touch her and she can hold her and for tonight, she can be known, she can let those walls crumble, she can be something else just for once here with franke . she can kiss her here in this van, touch that happiness for just a moment, and forget the future that waits for her outside of it. franke begs her to forget the wedding, to just let herself be happy— and god, she wants to, but it means turning her back on everything shes known and everything shes saw to be inevitable, and franke has never been in her future, so if it were supposed to work out why hadnt she seen it and she cant, she cant take that risk but she can have this, even if its temporary, she can have it.
and just as soon as she gets a taste of it, its gone. after that night, after the missions over and theyre back at the motherlobe and have to pretend like nothing happened (franke doesnt, of course she tells kitty about it, she tells kitty about everything.) but that brief moment together haunts elka every time she sees franke, sees herself through frankes eyes, sees herself in her wedding dress because god its all franke can think about! of course it is! she knows how much elkas destroying herself she knows how much misery shes wallowing in that kiss in the van felt like an emotional punch to the teeth and she hasnt ever forgotten it and all she can do is sit and watch while elka throws herself into a loveless marriage. she can come to her wedding and see the way the bride and groom kiss with the emotional weight of a wet towel no matter how hard elka tries to hide it under a pretty dress and bouquets of flowers and meticulous planning.
and elka resents nils but she cant really hate him, its not his fault, not really. he feels trapped just like she does and his feelings of misery only cycle back into hers . they fight and gnash and wear away at each other and its a relationship thats crashed and burned a million times before elka even said i do. and its inevitable that she falls into her mothers habits, a sip of wine here and there to loosen up, until it turns to a glass, until it falls into a bottle on nights when whatever work nils does runs late.
but franke’s still there. shes always been there, hasn’t she? always trying to play knight, always trying to save her, dragging her home when shes stumbling over herself because god who else is going to do it but her? who else is left to care? certainly not nils. never nils. because franke knows her. because franke pities her. shes always pitied her. shes always known. and elka hates it, she resents it, but god in the same breath she’s desperate for it, she envies it to her very bones. elka is a mess but after frankes done with her she has someone to go back to that loves her. and god what elka wouldnt do to have that. to take it and keep it for herself because shes never ever got to have that movie romance shes always wanted.
so now comes this.
because elkas particularly miserable and particularly spiteful and she needs to get franke to understand, just for a moment, drink with her and get on her level and she needs her there with her no matter how her pity makes her feel. no matter how much it makes her shake with anger and envy and desperation, but god the way franke looks at her, the way she still tries to salvage what they have, the soft, slurred way she tells her that it’s okay but its not okay, none of this is okay, it never has been and she just wants franke to shut up and see that, and if she cant then she’ll show her, she’ll show her all the raw angry desperation, with too much teeth and hands that claw and grab and she’ll know why everyones always said she’s too much.
and she knows this puts her on nils’ level too. that this makes her a cheater, that shes no better than he is now. no better than her father and his affair. but god, she wants to be selfish. she wants to be in control. just for once. she wants to feel right and she wants to feel happy and she wants to feel loved. thats all shes ever wanted. and franke will let her have that, just for a little while, at the very least.
anyway. sorry. sorry for being crazy . this isnt even getting into the shit after the comic takes place . elkas stupid brainworld thag she has to overcome in order to finally be allowed in the polycule and live happily ever as worlds first lesbian divorceman
sorry for all the shit i make up instead of caring about actual characters with screentime . bye !
#ive spent months on thsi stupid lesbian toxic yuri slow burn relationship so you all better clap or im blowing this building up#psychonauts#elka doom#franke athens#ill paint the town red
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i wanted to draw something different today soooo. i went n scrounged up a buncha pokepastas that ive read/pokepasta ocs ive seen around recently (mostly via mutuals)! ill tag creators and link sources under the cut, and ramble a little abt my thoughts... ^^
if anyone wants me to untag or remove their stuff from this btw let me know i didnt ask i kinda just. started doodling.
also half of yall i either never followed or only Just did i need 2 remedy that. ive been observing yalls stuff from a distance i keep forgetting to Press the Fucking Button is all
Your Friend Silver (Elias) by @uuberwachen ! this was such an INSANELYYY well written story and it stuck with me for DAYS. it really slots in the space in my mind that holds the classics and the twists and stuff with it genuinely got me. i cant recommend it enough if anyone who sees it hasnt read it yet. i got so excited when i saw a dedicated ask blog went up. i wish i werent scared of sending in questions to those things
Pixel Blue: 3DS VIRTUAL CONSOLE (2016) by @calybunz ! ahhh this was such a cool one to read! id see updates on it incidentally n i can tell a lot of work went into it- it was definitely worth it! its well written with a lot of heart.. maybe im just a sucker for stories that focus on a sympathetic blue.. the ending made me so SAD dude what the fuck. though my favorite parts were probably the dream sequences- godd the imagery of it all was fantastic!
Nuzlight (Mia) at @nuzlight-mia ! this is one i dont know much about yet, but her personality and design really captivated me when i first saw her! she seems like such a sweetheart and i look forward to getting to see more of her :3 i feel so bad for her situation.. the story n concept are all so interesting!
Missing Numbers (Green) at @themissingnumbers ... is our thing but green is hells (@hells1nfern0 ) dude that i have no sway in so. whatever. im unwell about him im excited for more to be revealed abt him :] i cant really say more than that since i know his secrets
FIRE RED FREE DOWNLOAD (Infected/Abandoned RED) by @aibouart ... another one i saw the design of first and was just IMMEDIATELY struck by. i love when stories twist in-universe things that're generally treated as normal and mundane and use its horror potential! a parasect parasite outbreak where the protagonist gets infected by that and ends up full of mushrooms...? thats the kinda shit i love to see >:)
Jack by @sparklingdemon ! cool ass design ive been wanting to draw and a cool concept to go with- the creepyblack protagonist as a grinning-reaper type where the ghost is an extension of him rules. i also loveee when designs utilize the fossil missingno stuff!! kabutops's arms lend themselves REALLY well to being a scythe
Glitchy Red: Retold by @lycankeyy / @glitchyred (idk which blog youd rather have tagged sorry). so i saw this when the official ao3 repost went up or got mentioned or something and it. really. resonated with me. like its hard to put my thoughts into coherent words, other than i had to just. Lay Down for the rest of the night after reading it and just feel whatever emotions struck me. it cut really deep but honestly- that's just fantastic. it's not often that i read something that makes me feel as viscerally as this rewrite did, and i have nothing but adoration for it because of that (we do have the plural bias which doesnt help regarding this lol). in my mind this is the definitive version of glitchy red.
Sanctuary AU (Aster) by @possiblyfunny . ANYWAYS ON A LIGHTER NOTE i fucking love aster more than i can put into words. given we get tagged in almost every piece of him that goes up its always such a delight to see and learn more about him! id been planning to draw him for months at this point but only just got around to it haha -v-" i look forward to seeing more abt the sanctuary au! please continue to tag me in those posts idc if it includes my guys or not i just care so much abt it
#pokepasta#idk how to even. tag this. fuck#your friend silver#pixel blue#nuzlight#missing numbers#abandoned red#infected red#trainer jack#glitchy red#glitchy red retold#id tag sanctuary but i dont think it has any official tags....#anyways i hope this is good anjdnjlkds. ive been itching to draw like all of these so i just. cranked em all out onto one canvas#WAIT SHIT TRIGGER TAGS thats important#body horror#scopophobia#trypophobia#a little funny how both of the guys who need those warnings ended up in the same spot that was not on purpose.#edit I FORGOT RETOLD REDS PIXELS FUUUUUUUCK#edit2 its ok nobody saw i think
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completed the game btw 👍
laptop crashed on me trying to open elden ring the final straw 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#ill start an ng+ run to get the other endings another time. not rn cuz its late#man. what a fucking day#just one thing after another this week. if anything else happens i dont think ill be able to handle it#context for earlier breakdown btw was that my friends including some i havent seen for months all took a trip together to hang out today#which i didnt know about. bc i muted their discord server this week bc ive been rly stressed out and last week i upset one-#of them bc i got angry abt smth i misunderstood + anyway i did apologise but i took a break so i wouldnt just say shit spur of the moment#when im in a bad mood and not thinking and its been a difficult week so its lasted longer than planned i just didnt want to risk it#the onlt reason it happened last week was bc i was having such a shitty time.on the higher med dose i hate upsetting ppl i normally have#a tight lid on how i react to other ppl even if i dont have a tight lid on my emotions generally i feel so guilty for.it still#but anyway yeah. and it was my birthday monday which i found rly hard and i rly wanted to be better this year and be able to celebrate it#but i couldnt and i spent the day having a breakdown instead. and then it took me a few days to feel recovered from that and on thurs i#was gonna go to the climbing club which ive been wanting to do for months but havent been able to for various reasons but everything#aligned but i got into that shitty bike accident and then i was looking forward to the music festival today but couldnt fucking go to that#either so its just been one thing that shouldve been nice taken away after another i was feeling really really shit abt it this morning#and then i check discord for the first time in a week and theyve spontaneouslt decided to do this#today and no one invited me my flatmates been around me in person and she didnt even mention it at all which u know what is fair enough#i would understand if she was still upset at me i know she prefers to hang out with them without me she organised another thing next week#with them that she didnt want me coming to but she did tell me abt it anyway i dont know i guess i deserve it a bit bc ive been a shitty#friend lately i guess so thats that anyway. but still it just felt so horribly unfair i dont think ive been that bad. maybe i have#and maybe none of.them even like me anyway i would understand. i got.rly upset at my flatmate for not caring abt the bike crash and#leaving when i started crying about it but really that was fair i kind of had it coming so didnt deserve her sympathy#its just karma at the end of the day i guess. i hope they had a nice time anyway and i hope they have a nice time next week too#i just need to find a way ofnot getting so upset over it but its so hard with rejection sensitivity i hate missing out jt hurts me so much#but i know they have a better time without me there i need to be less selfish and have more grace abt it oh but its so hard#snd ive been feeling so lonely it wouldve been so nice to see them but it doesnr matter#anyway thats all it was. i dont feel so upset abt it anymore like its over now anyway im just really tired#but want to dump it all on here so its not floatinf round my head when im trying to sleep. jts okay i get the message now#and i wont intrude again ill leave them all be for now im sorry#crawlinf to the bathroom to brush my.teeth and then falling straight asleep i hope. goodnight
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As autistic coded as Illumi is, he is also EXTREMELY Bpd coded. Here's a thread abt why that would be, from a person with bpd. 🧵
Everything about his character screams a person that feels so so much but forcefully tones his feelings down so hard to the point where they seem nonexistent.
On the exterior he seems like he couldn't care less about most things and is a very calm and controlled person. However, his emotions shine the brightest when the topic of interest is a person he cares about.
This is ESPECIALLY shown in the election arc where he reveals much of his emotions to the audience. He gets two whole bloodlust scenes this arc.
One with extreme anger
and one with extreme joy.
When Hisoka provoked him, it took absolutely zero transition for him to immediately spike his bloodlust and aura to GREAT amounts to the point of engulfing the entire MOUNTAIN and reaching Killua from SO far away.
And in the same exact second it happened, it ended just as quickly the moment he noticed Killua running away. That is a CLASSIC negative mood swing example if I've ever seen one. One extreme emotion in one second, gone in the other.
On the other hand, his second bloodlust had a small transition, one that still did not give you the expectation of what truly came after.
He is seen watching Killua on his phone and the moment Nanika healed gon, showing Killua can use her on command with no consequences and also showing her immense power, he was absolutely overjoyed. So much in fact that he exploded in maniac laughter and aura a second after merely giving it a small laugh.
We get a hint at his bloodlust incoming in that moment, but NEVER predict just how MUCH would actually come out. Classic euphoric mood swing number two.
When he encountera Killua with Hisoka in the background at the end, he is pretty much shown going through the five stages of grief in mere minutes the moment his own butlers turn on him and allow Nanika to come out.
denial, anger, depression...
bargaining.......
and finally, acceptance. acceptance that he was going to be traded by killua not only for a friend, but for the rest of the family's lives.
He was so very clearly unhappy about it at the beginning, yet came to acceptance in mere seconds the moment nanika came out. He bargained with himself, Killua shouldnt be able to wish twice, then accepted. even if he could, thats okay. go ahead, kill me!
and then theres also the way he just switches from a very :DDD to >:| mood in like one panel short hello he is so coded
Even more; Usually bpd is either caused through trauma or inherited. and you can definitely argue that illumi went through enough "training" for the former but. is his behavior not. familiar to yall. not at all???? im just saying......... I know someone else in the zoldyck family that has intense mood swings!
if there is one person in the family that shows their unfiltered emotions and switches from being calm to screaming in distress in a single second, its going to be this woman. she gave birth to a son thats a literal copy of her. she ctrl c'd and ctrl v'd.
and i dont exactly know what this next one has to do with the thread but why was bro normal for one second then turned into this i mean im not complaining hes still hot and ill claim him as my bpd son regardless
anyways yes this was the thread have fun with this interpretation slash analysis however u like 👍
#hxh#hunter x hunter#illumi#illumi zoldyck#my post#my analysis#hxh analysis#hunter x hunter analysis#character analysis#bpd
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Hi!! I was wondering if you could write something for aegon along the lines of aemond and reader are married but bc aemond wants to give her space and “spare” her of his company and doesnt wanna scare her bc of his appearance and demeanor they dont talk at all and theyre like strangers, sort of like aemond thinks he’s doing the right thing by leaving her be but in reality she just wants to be loved by her husband and one day aegon finds her sobbing about aemond bc she just wants to be loved by him. Bc shes crying abt his “perfect” brother he feels better abt himself bc hes thinking “my brother isnt the perfect son” and so he decides to befriend her and they kind of bond over the fact that theyre both really lonely in kings landing. Ik this is probably rlly off for his character tbh so if you dont want to do it thats okay! Ik some ppl r really iffy abt writing abt aegon so if thats the case just ignore the ask im sorry to bother! But I love ur writing sm and hope u have a great day~
gwen’s note: i need to say this before writing your req because it is important to me. but i really think aegon, as well as many other characters from hotd, is very complex. however we can’t overlook the awful things he’s done, that’s why i think that the only way of writing him is by trying to understand from where it comes, why he is the way he is, etc. (but not defend him, never defend him for being a rapist) and diverge from his character. hotd writers made it really hard to sympathize with him given that the first scene they gave us of older aegon was THAT scene. and again, i would never defend aegon from what he did, that is inexcusable, it does not matter how much he suffered or how alone he feels, he should have never done that. that is why if i write aegon i would always try to get as close as possible to what i think of this complex character (just as i have been doing with aemond) and always have his feelings and experiences in mind, i will never minimize what he and everyone has been through. and bc in fanfic you can write whatever you want, i’ve been saying that since the beginning. aegon is not a good person but i believe that if they give him a chance, he would definitely try to be better. and i fully believe that aegon has a heart and deep down he cares, we see glimpses of that in the show. so after saying that, if i diverge from what the show has showed us about aegon or what YOU think about him, remember that everyone has their own opinions and if you don’t like them, be respectful and simply block me (this is not directed at you but to everyone in general). hope you enjoy! <3
crying in public was not a good idea, but being under the weirwood tree made you miss home.
“do you feel well?” a man’s voice startles you, and you are quick to wipe the tears still falling from your eyes, trying to pull yourself together before turning around.
you are surprised to see prince aegon standing a few feet away from you, genuine concern on his face.
you want very hard to say yes but you can’t say the words, so you just simply shake your head as more tears start falling from your eyes.
aegon doesn’t know what to do. he never knows what to do when someone cries in front of him, he’s not used to this kind of behavior. he can’t remember a time when someone from his family cried in front of him and he comforted them. or if they comforted him. because that never happened. so he doesn’t know if he should keep walking and leave you alone, or ask what’s happening. however, his legs are moving towards you before he can make a decision.
and you don’t know what to do. should you excuse yourself and run out of there? but your legs don’t move and your eyes can’t leave his face, lilac gaze studying your body, but not in a creepy and sexual way. it’s also the first time you and the prince are alone and you thought when that happened, you would feel uncomfortable, rumors fly fast inside and outside the red keep and prince aegon is the main protagonist in all of them. however you feel strangely calm.
“does this have to do with my brother?” aegon dares to ask. he knows your marriage is not an easy one, mostly because aemond is very cold towards you. he has seen you alone together just a couple of times and in all of them you’ve been looking sad and uncomfortable while his younger brother showed nothing with his expression.
it is sad to know prince aegon knows why you’re sad. does everyone in the red keep notice how unhappy you truly are?
aegon sits beside you, his hands on his lap as you move away making space for him on the little bench.
“i just feel so… alone.” you let your guard down, after all he is the one asking and you so desperately need someone to talk to, anyone, and if that person turns out to be the prince, then so be it.
aegon laughs bitterly, looking to his feet playing with a few leaves that had fallen from the tree. he knows that feeling too well, he has been feeling alone his whole life.
“and— and i can’t say anything to him because he doesn’t listen to me. it’s like i’m talking to a wall.” you sob, wiping your nose with the back of your hand.
prince aemond is your husband. but he’s also a total stranger too. you barely talk, he almost never looks at you and you haven’t consummate your marriage, something everyone is expecting for you to do. but how are you supposed to do it when he openly shows how much you bother him?
“i’m a burden to him!” you hide behind your palms, tears still falling from your eyes.
aegon feels a little better to know that his brother is stuck in a loveless marriage just like him. they might be very different but neither of them were able to escape from duty.
however, aegon feels something weird growing in his chest, something that doesn’t make him feel that much better. not while knowing that you’re hurting because of his brother.
aegon parts his lips, debating whether or not to say what he has not say to anyone. ever. because open up to someone is not something aegon targaryen has done before, he’s pretty good at hiding his feelings in a bottle of liquor. or a couple.
“i feel alone, too.” aegon looks for the right words but they don’t come to his mind and he feels very vulnerable. “i am a burden to everyone. my family. the servants. my own father doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
what the prince says is no surprise to you. you’ve heard the servants talking about the prince and how they wish to never be in the receiving end of one of his outbursts.
“see?” he says and you lift your gaze, turning to look at him, who is already looking with his lips curved in a small smile. “we have something in common! we’re not entirely alone.”
the kind gesture of prince aegon of trying to make you feel better is not something anyone would do, not in king’s landing at least, much less by saying something so personal. but it makes you smile through your tears.
it is strange, sitting on a bench with aegon targaryen, talking and being vulnerable. this definitely wasn’t on your list this morning when you woke up, but it is something you’re always going to remember.
“now,” aegon says, drawing out a handkerchief and holding it out to you. shyly, you accept it. “i am sure you miss home and i have nothing else to do… so why don’t you tell me everything i need to know about winterfell?”
your heart fills with pride and longing. and as you wipe your tears you start telling him about those cold and happy days of your childhood while prince aegon listens very closely.
#📮 ⌇ my works ˖⋆࿐#aegon ii targaryen x reader#aemond targaryen x reader#aegon ii targaryen imagine#house of the dragon imagine#aegon ii targaryen x you#aegon ii targaryen scenarios#aegon targaryen x reader#aemond targaryen x you#aemond targaryen angst#hotd fanfic#hotd imagine#hotd x reader
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🥡
#smth that does trouble me is that i am extremely emotional and i have complained of that for a long time lol#it does make me feel ashamed and frustrated bc#when i was a child i had to suppress all my emotions bc i got punished for literally feeling anything#so i never learned how to process any emotions in a normal healthy way#and idk w most ppl in my life they get an intensely watered down version of me bc i just restrain myself#and dont let myself feel a lot or anything at all bc when i feel it's bad#but sometimes very rarely i like someone so so so much that like ...#if i let my love out that emotional instability will also be shown.... ://///#and idk. since i've never been in a space where i can *fully* with comfortability and security in that i can let it out (bc im scared and#careful and need time lolz) i need more of a learning curve#but i know im capable of such deep profound love and devotion and loyalty and faithfulness and like all of that#tbh 98% i have gotten to a point thanks to my avpd and fear of judgement im able to not let my instable emotions pour out#like actually i dont. no one knows me based on my vent blog lol 🖕 it's only when i get overstimulated (noise emotions impressions etc etc)#or have certain issues of mine triggered. that it pours out#i dont mean that to blame other ppl like i know that *i* have these issues and like they mainly affect and impact me#but yeah idk it's frustrating & idk how to navigate it bc 1st im emotionally locked bc im fearful of everything that includes deep feelings#then im too scared of rejection to even like try to say anything. then when i realize i didnt... realize everything i get too emotional bc#idk how to process emotions and like i just dont know??????#im just ashamed of it and i feel bad abt emotional outbursts but im also able to love so deeply and fully#and bc of my childish emotions and how fkn worthless i am i dream of a dad bf who is patient#and understanding and compassionate and takes me as i am and sees that im trying and am in pain#ppl judge that and me but thats just how i feel and what i want and need and im not hurting anyone else#i mean... except the one person who has never made me feel ashamed or bad for this and since i feel too much#he's the only one i've had emotional outbursts to and then i was too scared to show love to balance it out#(and this sounds bad but it's hard to explain and tbh i realize that it doesnt really concern anyone lol)#and yeah i regret it and yeah a lot of things i say is applicable on me as well and im self aware abt it and yeah idk :p
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btw now that i can get to it (was busy and had someone over) i can babble a little abt zzz and give my thoughts so far on it if anyone is still wondering whether they should try it or not
first thing i have to say is, to me it feels like a cozy casual kinda game. and i love it. i think thats the part i saw some ppl complain abt
it reminds me a lot of P5 w the overall vibes etc (i played on first release years ago but not the additional stuff afterwards so idk if there were changes to the plot or anything with whatever royal is about) and it was a comfort game for me back then so yea. this might add a lot to why zzz feels like such a comfort game to me
the siblings are not active, playable characters in combat since theyre the proxy guiding and supporting the playable characters (agents) in the hollows (compare it to domains). outside of the hollows you run around with ur chosen sibling and whoever you picked, the other doesnt disappear or becomes irrelevant. they are a unit, run their video store together, theyre one proxy, supporting each other. i already love how trailblazer is more vocal than traveler but the siblings are active, talking parts in cutscenes and whenever theres dialogue choices, your chosen sibling ACTUALLY SAYS IT. this is smth i wished for a while in gnshn so seeing it in zzz made me super happy. it gives them sm life and gets me into it idk how to say it
(this is them btw. pretty mfs)
anw its not overwhelming like gnshn feels to me. gnshn has sm to explore and sm story and its smth i both enjoy and feel exhausted by. now, if you played persona or are familiar, its easier for me to use for comparison. you get to run around as the chosen sibling in the city but the fighting (w the agents you pull from the gacha) all happens in the hollows (similar to when you enter the metaverse). it runs with a day-night cycle and depending on the time, npcs and quests pop up. you can pass the time if you need a specific time of day for an objective, by doing hollow exploration or simply resting in ur room. theres side stuff you do, like running your store and visiting the arcade and play snake akjscbk
the combat itself reminds me of HI3 and wuwa and feels super smooth and fun to me
it has cutscenes etc but the story parts in between are illustrated and presented in a comic/storyboard kinda way? which fits the whole video/movie aesthetics well. its pretty cool
overall, if you didnt try it out yet bc you think it requires lots of energy and time like gnshn, its nothing like that at all. ofc im not through with everything but so far it feels like a very nice game to play casually, w a big cozy bonus when youre spending the day freely in game. i play only on pc or on console when i wanna lay down but this game even i would play on phone or ipad to chill akjscbk
the characters are also pretty fun and cool looking! like, look at them, so far we got
the most chaotic ragtag group in all of new eridu (they share one braincell and its anby who is in charge of it)
fresh looking heavy industry workers (they have a bear)
classic horror housekeeping service who will poison ur tea ig
motorcycle gang (oggling the glasses guy and boss lady super hard, they will be mine when playable-)
public security (they have an actual catboy in case weve got catboy enjoyers here)
special hollow operation elite squad aka the coolest strongest mfs out there taking care of hollow disasters
ALSO THE NPCS!!! LIKE!!! look at the cook!!! tinmaster running the coffee shop!!! the girl selling gadgets or the bunny person running the arcade!!!
even the regular npcs just roaming the streets. theres lots of cool details and life in every bit, its really cool
anw!! idk if this helped or made sense, this is also just my own impressions and feelings so far so yeee. if someone decides to play, i hope you will have fun and get whoever you really really want!!
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Okay so like I know little about ReZero (would love to watch it one day but, the content warnings) BUT I love people talking about things they like so. Assuming this isnt already a plot point, who in your opinion would be the FUNNIEST character to also be aware of/remember the time loops (Subaru in this case does NOT know they are in on it lol). If this is already a plot point please tell me about a neat bird or something you saw recently instead, thank you :)
THATS SO SWEEET THANK YOU <3 I ENJOY IT TOO SO IF YOU EVER WANNA INFODUMP ABT STUFF MY INBOX IS OPEN ^_^
ANYWAY. UNFORTUNATELY THIS IS A PLOTPOINT AND ITS NOT FUNNY </3
in the 4th arc subaru meets this witch lady, echdina, who kinda exists in a dreamworld, hard to explain, but shes aware of his timeloops. she implies that shes aware but tries to get him to say it himself. which he does so veeerrry hesitantly because he cant tell anyone Or Else. but after he realizes he can say it here, he has like, a total breakdown and keeps repeating his confession over and over again because he can finally tell someone about all this pain and suffering. and its an incredibly cathartic scene buuuuut she is very much manipulating him.
another character is vaguely aware of the loops but doesnt experience them/cant see them. that character is roswaal who is actually his boss. and the guy who has literally been PERSONALLY causing every single fucking issue hes had so far because some book told him to. and when things start going wrong he starts to, like, kick the shit out of subaru to try and get him to restart. yeah bosses are like that sometimes idk. everyone takes turns punching him at the end of this arc so its fine.
personally though if i had to pick a character whod be aware of the loops... id actually go with otto despite Everything. because i think hes the most likely to come out of the experience of watching his friend die horribly and come up with a plan, while also genuinely having subaru's best interest at heart. he doesnt care about anyone elses best interest tho, he was willing to let an entire country die for this guy. hes willing to kill the child he just adopted. so i think otto being aware would cause some fucking situations, especially if theyre not working together for a solution. i also think itd be funny if hes like "if we get gay in the timeloop no one has to know. ill just play dumb."
SO YEAH hes my pick for funniest one. all that being said im pretty sure i wrote up an episode by episode trigger guide if youre ever interested, i might have to touch it up tho. BUT if youre not interested theres never any pressure, this ask is already so sweet tysm again <3
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why havent i been talking to the much much cooler and better older sister who is a furry and super nice and fun to talk to and cares about my opinions and feelings instead of the one who cant respect boundaries and makes me feel like a mistake and doesnt care abt how i feel
#the bin#shes also the only normal person in my family#and when i say normal i mean it in a treats other people with respect way not in a societally normal way#cause she the least 'normal' of my family in that way. which is a good thing. be a freak. autism makes u cooler by default#idk. she sthe only person who i feel like actually cares about me and my opinion and wants to hear what i have to say and views me right#i wish we talked more when i was younger. shes so nice. i hope when i move we can houngout together more and maybe watch some movies#and talk abt stuff or smth. we r probably gonna play some games together soon which is nice#i miss her. i think i can also talk to her abt how our other sister kinda sucks. i know she views her pretty highly or at least used to but#i still think i can. i dont think itll make her uncomfortable.#ive been looking over the past years with my other sister and they havent really been any good mostly#ive just been so isolated and sad that it was better than nothing but its past that point now#if id had other people to talk to then i wouodnt have soent so much time with someone making me feel worse#i also think shes just made me a worse person overall. more judgemental. the past year ive become very against that trying hard to not#and she gets very upset with me when im like hey. yknow. id rather assume the best of random strangers not doing anything that bad#i dont wanna assume everyone is an inconsiderate asshole because they arent. life circumstances we dont know about could be#the reason for this honestly pretty mild inconvenience. if u wanna think otherwise then thats fine but dont day it around me#idk. im tired of it. im still super sad but ive become a much more bright and hopeful person because im trying to be#it actually sucks to view the whole world as horrible and everyone around you ass horrible#idk. maybe i can get my other sister to do the fun stuff with me i dont like doing alone#cause it makes me unbelievably sad to realize i dont have anyone to ask anymore at all. period. but maybe it doesnt have to be that way
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