#when i say i do nothing the weekend
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Yes I spent most of my weekend playing DAI but I also found time to go out a bit Saturday without any reason to do so, clean one more little thing in my apartment, found a pet sitter for my holidays. So I say it's an improvement from the "lying in bed all day doom scrolling" usual weekend 🤷
#misc#actually video games just like watching a show#totally count as an active activity for me#i mean active for my brain#most people say watching a show on the sofa is not doing stuff#but they don't know these things require energy#when i say i do nothing the weekend#i really mean I am in my bed on my phone#and feel like shit the sunday at 5pm because i feel guilty#so playing a game does not make me feel guilty#actually i've noticed recently#im more inclined to do things#like cleaning a bit/cooking/taking care of one single task#so after i can play or watch a show without feeling the guilt#truly a massive fucking improvement#im telling you#now that being said i didn't watch poi s5 cause im absolutely fully immersed in dai right now lmao#call that an inability to finish things and focus on more than one activity at a time#brain be overloaded too easily#anyway im kinda happy
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the most gorgeous man I've ever known sent me a drunk voice message hurt that i left my job at the bar he goes to without telling him and adding that he saw me on tv speaking about palestine, which turned into me telling my ex boss to give him my number, and the sober voice message was much worse because this sweet guy just tells me that he's so proud of me and then i can feel him like talking with a constricted throat saying he understands that i left and closes with "from the river to the sea" and doesn't it just suck that some things have no hope of ever beginning and yet still end somehow
#there is literally no way something could have come of it he lives in that pub and i don't want to go back there#he has addiction problems and I never had a relationship with anyone#it still sucks that these are facts cause i liked him a lot. and also im not kidding when i say he is the hottest dude I've ever seen.#this is maybe the first time i wish i was heterosexual and/or have less impulse control#radio live transmission#sorry over sharing again cause the psychologist still has to tell me when the first appointment will be#(they kinda also told me i dont really need one which is funny bc the first time i try not to do things alone in my life#bc im pretty sure this hyper self reliant and aloof behavior might be a problem and im told actually im doing splendid.#i won at therapy ig)#also i told everyone there that i moved back home because im a lying liar and#thank god he still hasn't done the math that he saw me on tv still in turin#ive had Cold as Ice by the Foreigners playing on loop the entire day trying to get back in character#like. you'd think if i HAVE to experience something close to heartbreak then at least i could have had sex with the#hottest guy in the city. no. i just get the half assed symptoms of it after having conversations with him every weekend for three months#ranging from his cocaine addiction to police violence to the one time he was staring at nothing by the store room where i went to pick stuf#and he offered to take me to miami and i panicked and joked that he didnt have the money and left.#this sucks.
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I locked them in a room and made them put on silly hats
#FOR MEEEEE#i almost got a black hat like this on the weekend okay I am a firm supporter of whimsy and hats#you guys wanna know something funny? something ive noticed and im convinced is real is that men and old people are nicer to me when i wear#hats#especially wide brim hats. ladies are as nice as always but dudes and oldies who can at times be :/ at me see me in a hat and i swear they#smile and say hello and hold the door like 50% more#anyway that has nothing to do with these two its just something i think about#do hats maketh the man have a nicer day.... who knows not me but. you should wear a hat for many reason#including sun protection. dont want to die of melanoma now do we haha (fear)(im pale and freckly)((australian sun will get me one day))
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i took a sick day and took myself out to breakfast and baby waved me. life feels good again.
#im very lucky to get paid sick days (which is fucked that people don’t get paid days to begin with) but they don’t carry over#and work has been so stupidly busy and it will only get busier#and im changing roles at work which is nice (i guess) but its just a job and more responsibility#and im trying to always not treat my job like it’s my life or something that defines me or the only place where i give value#cause that’s not true but that’s what the corporate world WANTS YOU TO DO#and feel guilty when you take time for yourself cause if you aren’t around things will fall apart#but all of this to say: if you get paid sick days please take them. even if you aren’t sick or just need a break.#it’s so needed. life is so crazy busy and weekends are enough time to do everything#so taking a day to do the things you need to do or (like something I need to learn how to do) do nothing at all and just chill#my dream sick day is having the house to myself and i can take a bath and then go back in bed and read fic all day#and eat pasta#but one thing at a time
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Hate thissss I feel like I haven't been properly productive today (somehow posting two art things Doesn't register properly in my mind) so I wanna stay up to get as much as I can down, but I also need to go to sleep in case I'm called in tomorrow because fuuuuuck going to work on little sleep that shit sucks. But also, the possibility of being called in makes me wanna stay up even more, so I can finish art in case I don't have time tomorrow. So now I'm sat up at 12:30 tired as shit but unable to draw or go to bed. The never-ending cycle of hell.
#ramblings#i wish they had someone else to call in on short notice. i dont hate coming in extra but i hate getting a text at like 7:10 when kennel#hours in the morning start 7:30. i knowww i should probably set a boundary but like. fuck#and you know what i wish my parents bothered to fucking understand how frustrating it is being called in so frequently#my mom specifically. i bring stuff with work up and its like a broken record. `if you go in all the time youll be seen as reliable!`#when i was talking about getting a day off to see my brothers marching last weekend she was like#`see what did i tell you? you make yourself reliable and theyll let you take off what you need` talking like i just asked for it off#after it had already been scheduled. girl i had to ask people to cover me still. i just#i hate it. i havent told her i told them i didnt wanna work clinic hours because she'd drill me about why#its just frustrating !! and when i say my genuine feelings its like she needs to correct me. like im thinking wrong.#this is why i had to fucking snap before setting the boundary of not covering clinic hours. because its always#`do what they ask every time because youll seem reliable` from my mom no matter fucking what. and then i already have issues#setting boundaries in general because i dont want to upset others or make them mad at me#ok sorry this has turned into. a wholeass vent. im just. at my wits end can you tell?#at this rate im really just getting nothing done. im going to bed#dont worry about me ill be fine. i just need to let it out and this is kinda my only outlet rn
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LOVE when the pharmacy decides to fucking dick around with my meds so badly that now I’m off my mood stabilizer, my pain meds, and my fucking birth control (in a few days) because they’re insisting I should have extra fucking bottles of each one and I DONT because they don’t let me pick up more than a one month supply of narcotics at a fucking time so do explain where these extra bottles are, hmm ????? and they didn’t have enough caplyta ordered last time to even give me my usual 3 months supply of that so … ???? get your fucking heads out of your asses and give me the fucking meds you owe me ??? like ??? but I’m in a nasty headspace right now so if I call the pharmacy this morning, I’m going to be that cunt ass customer they bitch about all day because this isn’t the first time they’ve done this. in fact, the first time, they straight up committed insurance fraud by marking one of my scripts as filled and picked up WHEN, IN REALITY, THEY FUCKING LOST THE SCRIPT AND HAD NO RECORD OF IT BEING FILLED OR PICKED UP IN THEIR SYSTEM, BUT YET, MARKED IT AS SUCH AND CHARGED MY INSURANCE AN ALMOST 8 GRAND FOR THE FUCKING 3 MONTHS OF MY MOOD STABILIZER THAT I. NEVER. RECEIVED. I’m genuinely about to report this entire pharmacy to the pharmacy board because I’m so fucking done with this place. it needs to be shut the fuck down because you’re telling me, out of an entire pharmacy, y’all share the same IQ point AND dead brain cell, collectively ??? then don’t fucking work in healthcare where people rely on you to know your shit and keep track of their fucking meds because you’re just constantly making shit worse on people since you can’t seem to not fuck around with these meds and not ‘lose’ scripts. fuck out of here.
and I’m pretty much out of weed, which is usually my back up pain management method, without the money to afford a delivery order by their cut off time to order in 3 hours because I just paid my fucking bills and have SOME to go towards it, but not enough for delivery to be free, and I’d still have to walk my ass to one of the ATM’s nearby because they don’t accept my bank as a prepaid method OR any of the cards I have on my person. 🫠
I can literally feel my back spasming and seizing on and off while I’m laying on my fucking side, I’ve had a migraine with a stupid ass aura for almost a week now because chronic migraines fucking suck and i was REALLY hoping this one would be over by now, my muscle inflammations that my pain meds are supposed to limit are already beginning to start their itching deep in my muscles so soon they’ll blossom into a whole fibromyalgia fucking episode and become entirely inflamed, my joints in my hands fucking hurt because of the dreary weather so I really need to get into a rheumatologist at some point soon as well and get that shit figured out, I’m nauseas as fuck from all the pain, and I’m moody, hormonal, and just feel like fucking death physically.
I’m just. I give up.
this shit is exhausting and painful and so mentally fucking taxing to constantly deal with and I just want a fucking break from all this fucking shit. I wish I could just … not exist … for even just a little while with how fucking painful existing actually feels right now 🫠😭
#i hate that CT weed is so fucking expensive#half a fucking ounce shouldn’t cost me $250 …….. not when I can go to MA and get an ounce for $108 after tax ……..#but I don’t have a way to MA because my fucking best friend. who made plans with me OVER THE WEEKEND. HER. SHE INITIATED THEM.#canceled on me last second even though I texted her early the night before when I know she would see it 🫠#nope instead she waited from the text I sent at 6:30pm until noon the next day to cancel because her period is kicking her ass#NOT FOR FUCKING NOTHING BUT SO THE HELL IS MINE ???? AND IM ANEMIC ??? AND DEALING WITH ALL THIS EXTRA PAIN ON TOP OF IT ????#and I know I’m being irrational and insensitive because pain tolerance is a sliding scale for everyone#but like fucking come on you do this 3 out of 4 times YOU make the plans to hang out and I’m fucking over it.#plus I’m the one that always pays for everything and does she ever even OFFER to hit me back for the COUNTLESS ounces of weed I’ve got her#all because she couldn’t afford it so I said I’d cover it and she never paid me back. I’ve bought her at least a grand’s worth of weed#just over the last couple months and she’s never ONCE offered to pay me back for a single one#like ……… I don’t expect it. I give if I have it. but you can’t even just offer ??? like the invitation to pay me back would be enough to no#leave m ragingly pissed off and feeling used as an atm again for yet another ‘friend’ because they don’t even OFFER to be considerate#of course I’d say not to worry about it but it doesn’t even cross your fucking head to ask if I want anything towards it#like the next time you get paid ??? when you go and spend your own money on weed that day but can’t reimburse me for anything IVE paid for#oh and I always have to give her gas money if I even simply just want to hang out because she’s always fucking broke somehow#and she works in healthcare like bitch I know what you make and you can’t play that you don’t have enough to get by or throw me 50 bucks#towards YOUR weed that I’m buying every once in a fucking while when I’m already paying for everything fucking else#I’m so angry and I know I’m being irrational and bitchy but this is what happens when you’re tripped off your meds cold turkey#and one of them is a mood stabilizer that makes it so you DONT feel this way about people and aren’t so bitter when you’re let down 🫠🫠🫠#because now my rejection sensitive dysphoria is going to be triggered even easier than usual and I’m just.#I actually fucking give up. I don’t even know what to do here. the pain going through my body is so fucking intense#I keep losing my train of thought because everything hurts and then every once in a while a DIFFERENT pain acts up and throws itself in too#I just. I just can’t fucking win.#I hate fucking struggling with my mental state like this when I’m off my meds.#and because I have to be a month without my stabilizer/pain management/birth control it’s going to take me ANOTHER month to get readjusted#to those in my body so I won’t feel normal again until nearly fucking mid to end January the earliest#and that’s fucking bullshit. I’m going to fucking **** myself by the time I get back on these fucking meds since it’ll take that long#fucking hell I just. I give up. I give in. I’m self isolating and cutting myself off from everyone because it’ll be in THEIR best interest#for me to do so when I can’t control my mind like this. I’m so tired of feeling so fucking shitty and I’ve only been off them for two days
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Everyone loves me and I'm so so so employable<- affirmations
#twist rambles#i got... another interview lined up monday 😭 which is great other than the insane amt of stress im gonna be under for like 3 days straight#not including weekends. its gonna be soooo bad for my fibro 😭 and im getting the only non scary interview done today. or ig that was#yesterday since it was a phone call one. but today its w a optho office and hopefully will be ok .. and then tomorrow its. well sitcom level#of weird shit. so its at a hotel right. i got a call abt it and due to my auditory processing issues and general anxiety and sleepy nature#completely forgot the hotel name. could just look it up right? WRONG. hotel doing renovations so its at a separate building. when looking#that and the phone up it gave me nothing. the issue is i applied 2 3 different hotels in (town) and all of which are different positions#and times. so i have no clue what to prep for. dreading this one v much. and then the next one is an electricians office doing hr and data#entry but they have horrible reviews and apparently aren't great w safety. which is genuinely scary. tbf only 2 reviews total but still.#so needless to say i wm very anxious this morning. gotta kill like 7 hrs and also not puke.#emeto#for the tags<-
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#there's no way i could ever have another pet bc this has destroyed me in unimaginable ways#despite him being old and his health declining the past three or so years#we did everything we could to keep him around and healthy but his little body just couldn't do it anymore#i love him so much i hope he wasn't in pain#i regret not saying goodbye when my mom told me to before he went to the hospital friday but i was in denial#we held out all weekend to see if the treatment would work but he was just so weak my dad gave them the go-ahead to stop it today#idk if they've put him to sleep yet but we're assuming so since my dad is gonna go pick up his collar tomorrow#i cried so much last night because i just had a feeling today would be it#and then i woke up this morning and already had tears in my eyes#this is gonna be. another long grieving process and i'm already so tired from losing my sister last year#when does it fucking end lol like when do i get to the other side#i'm just exhausted. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted#he's such a big extension of me like who tf am i without my dog i'm nothing he's all i had
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Someone should sexually use me to fill the aching hole
#i feel kinda on the outs at gay group#part of it is because im a christain#like....i dunno im tired of people shitting on my spirituality#if it was any other realigion it would be treated with respect#i dunno man i just.#im tired of hateful things being the norm#also back at my dads house after spending thw weekend with my sister#the filth always throws me off even when i try to prepare myself#also i am just feeling so fucking lonely#i just feel so isolated and i dunno how to reach out to people cus i have nothing interesting to say#everything i do i feel like im reminded of the romantic hole in my heart#im going to die alone.....#i fucking hate my life i cant wait to end it.
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turns out the cure to having a bad day is hyperfixating harder. man this sucks i’m gonna watch darkwing duck. [five minutes in] woah…… life is full of joys!
#i usually hate the weekends because i hate feeling like i’m wasting my time doing nothing when i could be working#which. saying it out loud is so fucked BUT at least i have my silly cartoon guys <3#gear diary
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#i am once again asking what the fuck happened between february and the first week of may#this is why i don't get how people can say 'oh im sure charles knew ahead of time he just didn't know when xavi would leave exactly'#when nothing he's said today suggests he knew? or agreed to it?#and the timing is bizarre like if this was the plan all along why not do it before the season started#and not 6 races in with no explanation#charles even defended him in front of the press yet again when they were fishing for information#asking if this will mean communication will improve which...... lol fuck off#they didnt even have any major communication issues this year and the stuff that happened before was a result#of general pitwall fuckery - especially in 2022 when the mismanagement and chaos was egregious under mattia#feel like im just yelling into the void but this is seriously pissing me off#say what you want about xavi but this was objectively handled very poorly on fred/ferrari's part#not discussing the issue with the driver is already pretty bad but not even informing him prior to/during the miami weekend.....#that's just fucked up#i can't see mercedes or red bull blindsiding lewis or max like that#even mclaren like afaik whenever someone else has to step in as race engineer for the weekend the driver is aware in advance#like they literally just cut xavi off at the knees to do? what exactly? shove him in some dusty corner back at the factory or wherever?#never to be seen again? yeah fuck them ugh
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If I had to describe the mood, it really is like when you grow up with an abusive parent; and there are bad days where you're just willing for them to go to work and be gone all day so you don't have to hear them yelling and slamming shit
#That plus mixed with like#Slightly more adult feelings of unspoken resentment bubbling under the surface#And complicated webs of need#Like I need a place to live - so as not to be homeless#You need - idk question mark? To feel heard and valued#Okay but like talking down to the adults in the house and plus the eighteen year old#Talking to everyone in an insulting babying voice#Because youre JUST TRYING TO BE CLEAR#It sucks man#Its been all weekend and yeah I was just like please go to work please go to work#And like I love my sister and my nieces but this environment is nothing but passive and active harm#And micro- to macro-aggression masquerading as control#And like when is the breaking point?#You really like.#Lose a LOT of your goodwill and empathy even for someone you love#When they react the same harmful ways that#Even the youngest child has pointed out is harmful! is negative! makes them feel bad!#But they just keep acting and lashing out bc they arent being heard#Bc SHES tired SHE didnt sleep SHES anxious she#You know?#Like to make your reactions to stimulus everyone in the houses triggers is#And to not try to find outlets to help make things better for everyone#Rather to say every time IM SUCH A BITCH IM SOOO SORRY. I SHOULD JUST. STOP. TALKING#Fuck man#I need my own space#(I need to drive off a bridge)#I just need to find a space away from all of this drama in this house man#Sorry this is a lot but i wouldnt be able to express this much feeling to anyone#Nor do I feel like I have a right to inflict my stupid bullshit life problems and whiny emo shit on anyone#Long tags are long
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they need to make a killing myself I can do every weekend but only on the weekends so I can get up fine on monday and go to work again
#.vent#maybe i should start drinking so i can get blackout drunk every weekend. or fuck around w sedatives or pay someone to just whack me round#the head with a sledgehammer on friday evenings and hopefully ill recover from the concussion by mondays#its not even funny what the fuck is wrong with me that i have to spend all my free time trying not to kill myself i feel so sick#im literally fine at work i guess i just dont know how to have fun or be happy or feel wanted or cared for or loved by other people#but dont have to think about that when im working so its fine 5/7 days which is pretty good. im so lonely i want to throw up#tried to leave the house got ready and everything and then burst into tears for no reason ive spent the past hour trying to talk myself#down from hurting myself and i probably wont in the next few hours but i almost certainly will before the day is up. oh well#man who fucking cares. typing this isnt making me feel any better i dont really know what to do anymore#i have a drs appt in 2 weeks for smth unrelated but maybe ill ask abt antidepressants. theres nothing specific causing this#my brain just doesnt work right.i dont even feel like a person most of the time#well nothing else to say 👍
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don't you worry about any of that! you write so well that I'll gladly read whatever you decide to publish 💛 I've been thoroughly enjoying not only your amazing lestappen, but everything you've been writing – you do you, and thank you!
aaaah deb please this is so nice ;-; <3
i've not completely abandonned lestappen (i did just come up with wholeass fake dating au that included a lot of clothes sharing between max and charles including the infamous quali pants) but i did suffer some serious writers block at the end of may (which i dont think i really talked about??) which left me not wanting to write anything and i got super frustrated with it.
anyway i've now gotten back to a point where i actually want to write things again so for now i'm just indulging myself writing whatever silly little stories i want in the hopes i'll eventually get to a place where i can write the Serious Big Fics again (like. you know. the roommates au lmao)
but i'm really happy to hear that there's people who will read anything i write it makes me feel very ;-;
#like lestappen is still my home base#but there's something delightfully fun about the lando/oscar dynamic that is just. curing my writers block in ways i cant explain#i think its the possibility for sillyness#like one of the ideas i have rn is a fic in which oscar does a lot of stress baking during race weekends#and like he leaves the baked goods in the mclaren hospitality#lando eats one at some point and is like. i am in love i NEED to marry the girl who made this#and oscar who is like harboring a serious crush for lando at this point is like. well i REALLY dont want to deal with the dissapointed look#on his face when he realizes its not a GIRL but ME who's doing the baking#so he says nothing#and then lando goes on this insane james bond esque mission to find out who mystery baking girl is#ropes oscar into it as well#and then during afternoons staking out the mclaren kitchens and patrolling the cafeteria or whatever lando thinks up#he slowly starts falling for oscar instead#oh and then there's also the werewolf au lmao#but i've been rambling for long enough and maybe like 2.3 people are insterested in this so you know#landoscar
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Hey so Snap this is going to be so fucking weird, but honestly don’t care. So I was watching a clip of Drag Race Philippines and it was the make over episode and I think they were making over family members and this father was all about getting into drag. So, I just wanted to tell you never forget how much of a lovely loving kind and caring father you have, who loves you and protects you and makes you feel heard. That’s all.
i'd have to die before i forget how great my dad is thank you for the opportunity to brag about him again anon
#snap chats#no smarmy one-sentence response i fear i never play about my dad's character and its been. A Month so i gotta be earnest#Comically And Topically tho i still wonder wtf my dad meant when he said 'i always thought of being a girl' when i opened up to him#part of me thinks he was just joking and thats probably it but also ....... //audible confusion + vine boom + eyebrow quirking//#its so funny you brought up my dad though i was thinking of visiting him this weekend#last week my Bitch Ass Mom wanted to watch a movie with me and since speak no evil was coming out i proposed we see that#since starting therapy shes been 'trying' to be closer with us but she still doesnt like me on a fundamental level so get bent ig#but she hates horror movies and made a whole show of not wanting to go and how american movies are so brutal and blah blah#this was right after she took me ice skating with her .. cause shes obsessed with ice skating now ... like maam please#i like skating so thank you but ... idk ... she never wants to do things i wanna do#then again we're pretty different i think so. LOL sorry i like horror movies and nothing you like apparently#im glad she didnt come cause i just went with my bro and since the theater was Virtually Empty we just cracked jokes the whole time vjlaekv#plus i just know my mom wouldve been annoying and i wanted to enjoy the movie !!!! which i did ty !!!!!!!#but yk who LOVES horror movies and who i used to watch horror movies with all the time growin up !!!!!!!!!!#i havent seen a movie with my dad in forever.... the last one we saw was so long ago but it was some weird owen wilson movie i think#wait now that ive dragged my mom into this she started therapy Did I Share That. Im Reminding You Anyway#but the most vile thing i ever heard her say was that she admitted to me she never loved my dad 'emotionally'#like wow ..... a thousand life times in hell for you i think i cant even begin to describe the rage chat i could write a novel#but i only have 30 tags so i wont. i should call my dad tho.. this is inspiring me to call my dad thank you anon#if youre still reading Double Thank You. i havent complained about my mom in a while and this was just funny timing overall vjRLKJAEVK#ok im gonna go talk with my dad now. my college friend's coming oevr in like three hours and we're gonna watch glass#cause that came up in convo yesterday Long Story so that should be funny vjlekjlakj
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I must write down and translate all Finnish posts/memes/Moomin comics stapled in my likes because I want to understand them but can’t and I’m too lazy to copy the text and translate
#Finnish#time to understand finnish beyond basics#I have also the goal to keep a diary in Japanese but I am procrastinating#I feel like I feel like saying nothing but at the same time I rumble about how I feel in Scandinavian languages and I’m just like ..stop#me#and just post stuff in general#I have so many pictures but can’t post them when I make them and I’m stuck and on weekends I never feel like doing anything
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