#im very lucky to get paid sick days (which is fucked that people don’t get paid days to begin with) but they don’t carry over

[daddy-long-legssss]

i took a sick day and took myself out to breakfast and baby waved me. life feels good again.

[bedbellyandbeyond]

Sickness

(Story Post)

A morning came one day where Nathan just couldn’t get out of bed. He called his doctor hoping he’d come for a house call and thankfully Reid had a little bit of time. When he arrived at Nathan’s home, he let himself in with the key Nathan had told him was under his flower pot. He headed upstairs to find his favourite wolf-man curled up in a cocoon again. “Oh dear, what’s the matter today?” Reid asked. “You can’t get out of bed?” Nathan rolled over to face him and frowned. “They’re moving…”

Reid blinked, his eyes lighting up. “Really? Well, that’s a very good sign, Nathan.” “I hate it… They’re making me nauseous,” Nathan said. “I don’t know what to do… I think I’ll puke if I get up…” Reid sighed sympathetically. “Unfortunately, getting up is the most common cure. When you lie down, babies love to go nuts in there, but when you stand, they typically calm down.” “If I stand, I’ll puke.” “You probably won’t but I can get you a trash can or something,” Reid said. “Is there one in your bathroom?” “Should be…” Reid went and got the bin and brought it back. “Take this and get yourself up. Come on.” Nathan wrapped the blankets around himself and tucked it so it wouldn’t come off then took the trash can in one hand and let Reid pull him up with his other hand. When he was upright, he did still feel queasy, but the twins settled down after a few seconds alongside the nausea. “I’m not gonna puke,” Nathan said. “Aye. So is that all I drove out here for?” Reid asked. “Well… No…” Nathan said, looking down. “There’s something else…” “And what’s that, laddie?” Reid asked, patting Nathan’s arm. “I… Um, it’s really embarrassing…” Nathan said. “I guess, it’s uh… Ah, fuck it…” He undid the blanket, displaying the two big wet marks in his pyjama shirt. Reid put his hands on his hips. “Well, well. Your milks come in.” “But why?” Nathan asked. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’re pregnant.” “But I don’t have tits!” Nathan said. “You don’t need prominent breasts to start lactating, just the right plumbing which everyone has—unless removed—and the right hormone cocktail,” Reid explained. “This was to be expected.” “Then why didn’t you tell me this would happen?” “I forgot but also I expected you to consider it before,” Reid said. “But it’s nothing to fret about. Let me take a look.” Nathan sighed and took off his shirt. He looked away as the doctor examined his chest. “They’ve definitely swollen up,” Reid said. “Are they tender?” “Yeah, really sensitive…” Nathan pouted. “Shirts feel uncomfortable rubbing against them. And I don’t know what to do with all the…all the leakage.” “Say no more. You want nursing pads,” Reid said. “There’s different kinds, but overnight ones and braless ones will likely be best.” Nathan rubbed his eye. “I’ve been to baby stores too much now… I really don’t want to go out like this.” “Laddie. Order them online,” Reid said. “It’s early morning. You could potentially have it all delivered by the end of the day. Also, get yourself a big sports bra. That’ll help a lot.” “A bra? I can’t wear a bra!” Nathan complained. “Yes you can. I believe in you. You’re not the only man who’s ever had to wear a bra. I can guarantee that.” “Oh god, how am I supposed to do all this? It’s so embarrassing and I have to do it alone,” Nathan groaned. Reid rubbed his back. “Tell me what’s on your mind. What’s troubling you most about this?” Nathan sighed deeply and sat down. “I just… Everything I expected when it came to me having kids is thrown out the window…” “What were you expecting?” Reid sat down beside him. “Well, first I thought I’d be adopting… And I thought I’d have job security. And I thought I’d be…well, married. At least, I’d have a partner helping me… Signing the papers with me. Decorating the nursery with me. Picking out clothes. But I’ve done everything alone. And I’m pregnant.” Reid rubbed his chin. “Well, have you thought about dating?” Nathan frowned. “Dating? Seriously? Like this?” He motioned to his torso. “You’d be surprised by the people who could be into that,” Reid insisted. Nathan crinkled his nose. “I don’t want to be someone’s fetish. I want someone who wants the normal me. The not fat and leaking me.” He looked down. “God, if I hadn’t…become what I am now… I’d still be with Hugh. I’d still work at my old school. We were even starting to talk about kids… I ruined everything.” “Well, I’m sorry, but I’ve heard your transformation story many times and it has always sounded like it was Hugh’s fault you were bit in the first place,” Reid said. “He took you off the path. He found the wolf cub. He chose to leave you when you needed him most.” “I tore his leg off!” Nathan growled. “I’d leave any man who tore my leg off too!” “He wouldn’t have had his leg torn off if he didn’t get you bit,” Reid stated. “You understand?” Nathan crossed his arms. “Are you pinning this on Hugh to try and make me feel better? Because it’s not working.” He gagged a little as he felt a movement in his stomach again so he stood up. “God, I want this to end…” “It’ll be over soon,” Reid said. “Rest for today.” “I can't…” Nathan rubbed his eyes. “I’ve missed work way too much… The principal acts nice about it, but I can tell she wants to kill me.” “She doesn’t want to kill you. But you need the rest. I might even say we should start you on bed rest but you’re determined to work.” “I don’t know if you noticed, but children are expensive,” Nathan said. “I can barely afford my own living situation right now. I need to work.” Reid sighed. “After the next wolf cycle, I’m putting you on bed rest. You need it and the twins need it. I can tell just by looking at you, you’re beyond exhausted.” “…Fine. That gives me three weeks,” Nathan huffed. “But that’s still so soon…” “Just keep thinking about how you’ll get to meet your little angels.” Reid placed a hand on the side of Nathan’s stomach. “I think you’ll find it’s all worth it.” Nathan exhaled deeply for a couple seconds then placed his hands on his stomach. In this sitting position, the twins had started acting up again and he could feel them moving. His stomach turned as he felt it, but he just thought about how it was his children and that every little move meant they were alive. While he still felt a little sick from the movement, it warmed his heart a little bit knowing they were safe. “…Doc.” Reid perked up. “Aye?” “I should tell my parents, right?” Reid blinked stared at Nathan. “You haven’t told your parents yet that they’re going to be grandparents?” Nathan shook his head. “…I haven’t talked to them since… Well, since my grandma’s funeral.” “Ah. Fuzzy connection?” Nathan nodded. “Very fuzzy… I came out when I was fifteen and they sent me away to live with my grandma. They thought her ‘traditional ways’ would ‘fix’ me. That backfired pretty quick. My nana was nothing but loving.” He rubbed his belly. “I wish she was here to meet her great grandkids… But I guess, that’s not common anyway…” “Mm… Aye, I wish you coulda been so lucky,” Reid sympathised. “And it’s up to you whether you believe your parents should know and be a part of this journey with you. The last thing you need though is more stress.” “Right…” Nathan sighed and stood back up to relieve the movement. “Can you let Principal Liu know I won’t be coming in today?” “I’ll do that.” Reid checked his watch. “I got to go though. I have an appointment with another patient.” “Alright, go ahead… I’m good I guess,” Nathan decided. “Thanks for coming all the way out here, doc. I guess my issue was pretty dumb…” Reid shook his head. “No, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Do you have any friends or family who can come around and check up on you?” “Um… The only person I can think of would maybe be Nari… But he’d be working, so…” “It might be worth talking to him because it’s always better to have people around if not just for emotional support.” “I guess… But Nari's… Nari can be a little…” “Stubborn and abrasive?” Reid asked. “Yeah, he’s like that. But he means well and I’m sure if he’s paid any attention to you, it means he likes you.” “I mean, I guess… He made us official friends the other day when we, uh…” Nathan scratched the back of his head. “Well, he came over to help with my laundry. Started calling me by my first name.” “Well, then you’re best buds it seems,” Reid chuckled. “Good, it’s important he makes friends too… He avoids it. You know you’re true friends when he carries you over.” “Over what?” Nathan asked. “Over lives. You must’ve heard him talk about his lives,” Reid explained. “Nari creates a new persona every couple decades to avoid people catching on to his immortality. Each new persona is usually accompanied with a big move. His first new persona moved to the UK. Then when she was done, Nari was created and he moved to Canada. What I’d like to see is either an extension in one of his personas, or at least the effort to bring over some people in his life and not just cut everyone off.” “Oh. That seems…” Nathan rubbed his chin. “Dramatic maybe?” “Yes, but you can understand. I only hope to be brought over too… I feel like he should at least consider what APID has to offer him or whoever he’ll be in the long term.” Reid checked his watch again and clenched his teeth. “Christ, I really gotta go, Nathan. But I’ll call in the afternoon, make sure you’re well.” Nathan nodded and pulled a robe on. “…Nursing pads, right?” “Aye. I’ll send you a link to some good ones from the web.” Reid went out to the stairs. “Okay… Bye then.” “Eat something. Bye now.”

[wtfcookiejar]

I met Him in a coffee Shop

Concert tickets hadn't been cheap and granted you and your best friend both worked full time jobs getting time and money to go to a concert was like getting a little slice of heaven for a few hours. The last concert you had went to you’d taken two days off so you could get up at 3am to stand in line so you could get a good spot in line because it was standing room only. This time you had balcony seating so showing up early wasn’t as crucial. Your best friend had insisted on showing up at 3am though. She wanted the full opportunity to watch all the members of Day6 walking into the venue and as she so carefully put it “ A chance to throw a punch at Jae.” 

She was absolutely convinced that Jae needed to be punched because of how mean he was to Wonpil. Of course You were there to stand guard at 3am and keep her rational and sane and keep her hands to herself. That was realitivly easy for you. No one really wanted to fuck with you. You were seated on the cement by the doors your eyeliner was two inches thicker than anyone else and your purple hair was intimidating to many. You were dressed cutely but your body language just screamed,” Fuck with me and I will fucking slaughter you.”  You had already chased off one crack cocaine dealer and you weren't afraid to do it again. You looked down at your huge t-shirt and mom shorts and converse yawning. Your best friend had fallen asleep her blond hair was pressed into your lap you poked her cheek and she swatted your hand away. 

“Nooder you gotta get up.” You sang her nickname softly you were watching the sun slowly rising and looking at the sun it was 6:02 Caribou was open now and just around the corner. 

“Not without coffee I’m not.” Nooder replied. You had to laugh because that was Nooder to a t. She was beautiful with curves and blond hair that could kill and makeup skill you wish you had but heaven forbid you woke her and she didn’t have coffee then she was a demon. 

“ Do I need to go get you coffee?” 

“Is that even a fucking question?” 

“Alright alright don’t bite my head off. Jesus. When I get back though you have to let me braid your hair because you aren’t going to meet Br-”

“YOUNG K.”

“YOUNG K. With a bedhead that would put a birds nest to shame.” You stood taking your phone and your wallet. You slid the pair of beaten down beats in your ears and Turned on your concert playlist. It was a mixture of old 90′s music Day6 and some of your favorite punk stuff.  The walk to Caribou was simple enough down two sidewalks and around a corner and your there. Opening the door was heavenly and you pulled your headphones out and stuck them in your wallet. There was a line of Men in suits. 

Men in suits didn’t make you uncomfortable but being the only one your age was a little unnerving. You nervously check your twitter hoping to see post from your favorite bands or even Jae. Things were realitvly quiet though and the line was slow moving as there were two men who seemed to be ordering for what looked to be like two whole offices worth of people.  They kept referring to their phones and then a piece of paper and then the dessert case. You almost felt bad for the poor Barista who looked like he just wanted to lay himself out on the counter and die despite having just two customers at the helm. 

You were watching the antics so you almost missed the tinkle of the door opening and the body slipping in behind you. There wasn’t a lot of room and you felt someone brush up against you. You turned around and you were face to face with none other than the Lovely Jae from Day6. 

Every nerve in your body was screaming and bursting with excitement. You thought about squealing and hugging him or telling him how much you loved him but then you caught the panic in his eyes. He looked genuinely afraid and you had to think about why. 

What would cause him to be afraid and then you realized, FANS. Fans go absolutely ballistic when they meet their idols. So you took a deep breath and took one step back and closed your eyes,” Sorry it’s a little crowded in here. They are a little busy at the moment. Don’t mind me.” 

His eyes grew wide and he looked you up and down. You knew you weren't exactly much to look at. The purple hair was growing back slowly and the t-shirt was large to hide your love handles and you wore mom-shorts which made you seem curvy instead of fat and you had converse that looked a little beat. Your makeup was more natural goth than it was cute and clique. You smiled warmly letting him asses you. “Wait your not going to scream or jump up and down? Ask me for a picture?” He asked his voice was different live than it was when you watched the youtube videos. It was warmer more pleasant. 

“Your here to get your morning coffee not to be harassed.” You reasoned your hand going to the coffee shop around you as if to explain where you are,” Unless of course do you want me to because I totally can make this awkward.”

“NO. NO. Getting coffee for me and the boys and not getting harassed is nice. Please.” He practically shouted and several pairs of eyes turned to glare at him and he cleared his throat. 

“ So what did those losers send you on a solo mission?” You teased trying to get him to relax. 

“ They are my losers thank you very much. And they are lucky I love them otherwise they would suffer. “ Jae does this thing where he pulls at the hood of his hoodie hoping to hide himself because a large group of girls saunters in dressed in Day6 gear and talking about Young K. behind him. 

“ Here switch spots with me but don’t turn around. Keep talking but don’t look at me just look at the Salmon suit that man in front of you is wearing.”  You whisper and his eyes grow wide. and he does exactly as you say. Once you switch your standing in front of the girls and they give you a puzzled look. 

“His mom’s sick, I’m letting him go ahead of me.” You reason and they roll their eyes bored and you snort annoyed. Then return your attention to Jae who is trying to get your attention with this cute little wave of his fingers at his hip. 

“What’s up?” you ask gently stepping closer so you can resume your conversation. 

“ I still don’t get why your helping me.” He reasons. and you can almost feel the questioning look,” I mean you know who I am and all do you want concert tickets or like wh-”

“ I don’t want anything Jae... My friend and I already have tickets to the show. We camped out at 3am so we can be one of the first few in...” You felt a little angry because Jae didn’t really know you and he didn’t know how hard you had worked to get those tickets with your best friend. “ I am perfectly comfortable enjoying it in the seats I’m in. I don’t need a picture, I brought my camera I can take plenty tonight. I simply want you to feel like a normal  human being who doesn’t have to hide for once. Your out buying coffee for your friends enjoy the experience.” 

You look at your hands and Jae is silent probably looking at the menu because the line has moved. You let him take his time as you step unto the barista who waves you forward. 

“How can I help you?” She asks she is pretty in the very exotic way, but you don’t realtivly care your minds made up. 

“I need one Campfire Mocha Cooler and One Carmel Macchiato Hot both large. And you see the gentleman in the hoodie whatever he orders put on my Bill and I will pay for it. Don’t tell him but make sure this twitter handle makes it on to one of the cups.” You set down your twitter handle that you have for some dumb reason written out on a corner of a piece of paper. 

“Are you sure Miss?” 

“Posestive.” 

The barista smiles and she pulls the person who is taking Jae’s order aside and tells him to write it all out and then clear the screen and add it to the register with my order. I watch as Jae orders all the coffee and a couple more sweet treats. He makes sure that the coffees all have names and the bags all have names on them and the barista keeps him busy with that while I pay. 

“Which cup does the twitter handle go on?” she asks as she hands me the change from the hundred I gave her and Jae steps up to the counter to pay. 

I whisper quietly to her “JAE” and go to stand where they are supposed to pick up orders. 

I can see the confused look on Jae’s face as he hears that his order has been paid for already. You had been planning on buying a t-shirt but those can be bought at anytime. Today you had done a good deed.

Jae came to stand in front of you confused,” Someone paid for my coffee. Is that a normal thing that people do around here?” 

You laughed a hearty laugh and the group of girls was starting to pay more attention to Jae,” It’s not but some people do it out of the kindness of their heart. It looks like your peaceful morning might be ending soon...” Jae looked panicked and your heart ached for him.” I have an idea play along okay?” 

Jae nodded fearcly and you gently snaked an arm forward to fix his hood again so it was hiding most of his face and then you wrapped an arm around his neck and he wrapped his arms around your waist gently and you were hugging. “ I hope your mom gets better honey. I know it’s hard but it will be okay.” You said loudly and all the girls stopped staring so you continued only loud enough for them to hear,” Im sure your family will appreciate the coffee and sweet treats. Now if you will excuse me I have my own demon to feed” and your plan worked the girls backed off. Your order came out right as you let go and you waved a small smile appearing on your face. Jae’s order came out and he gathered it all in his arms but you were to far gone for him to chase you and you had never even told him your name. 

*** 

JAE

She was gone and I was left looking at the order sitting on the counter. She had been so weird. At first she had looked so shocked like she might just jump out of her skin and then all of a sudden it was like she had been taken over with this deep sense of calm. 

Calm was something he wasn’t used to and that had been terrifying. Yet when there had been a pack of girls all wearing DAY6 memorabilia and squealing about Young K., she had simply said “ Here switch spots with me but don’t turn around.” and it had worked he had been able to get coffee and sweet treats for the rest of the band without having to deal with screaming fans or photos. He didn’t have to cover his ears or apologize for not wanting his photos taken or have to leave early because it was disrupting the business. He was able to have a simple normal experience in the coffee shop. 

So when he was back in the room with the boys who all looked like they were in dire need of caffeine he set everything on the coffee table and then laid down in the first available space. 

“Whats wrong with him?” Bob asked

“You guys realize going to get coffee is a challenging tasks especially when we have fans crawling all over the city.” Wonpil challenged looking slightly concerned as he picked at the drinks and looked at the names,” You wrote pillow on mine again Jae...” 

Jae was silent staring at the ceiling thinking about the purple haired girl and the hug and how she had helped him escape. 

“I think he’s broken.” 

“ Shut up. Im not broken... I just.. I actually was able to get coffee and not have someone screaming and taking pictures...” Jae groaned his hands rubbing over his face as he turned to look at the boys who had all by now found their designated coffee and baggie. “ I didn’t even have to pay for it.” 

“JAE YOU STOLE OUR BREAKFAST” Wonpil said his mouth full of brownie 

“NO! Someone bought it for us!” Jae said his mind going back to the girl with purple hair. 

“I am extremely confused now.” Bob looks at Jae and lifts his legs so he can sit comfortably on the couch and enjoy his coffee and his Sandwhich. 

“There was th-” 

“Jae why is there a twitter handle on your drink?” Young K. asks he’s holding the drink high and looking at the twitter handle written in blue pen it’s legible but just barely. 

Jae shoots up and takes the drink from Young K. looking at the twitter handle he pulls out his cellphone and goes directly to his twitter. 

“What is he doing?” Wonpil asked 

“Bob, I think something made him go crazy...Can you fix him?” Young K teased 

“WHEN WILL THAT JUST DIE?” Bob groaned loudly. Jae doesn’t even notice he is typing in the twitter handle as fast as allowed and pressing search. Of course your twitter profile pops up right away and there is a picture of your best friend wrapped in a blanket holding the coffee from the caribou looking like she wanted to kill people. 

Then because he can he presses follow and then he writes a message taking a drink of his coffee a smile settling on his face. 

***

When you get back to Nooder she is sitting up and looking like someone poked her with a sharp stick. “ Someone is awake.” You sang softly handing her her coffee and pulling out one of your earbuds. You take a picture of her as you watch her sip the coffee and then grimace and look at the sun,” Still not ready to face the day?” you ask casually and you take a drag from your own drink. 

You open your twitter and upload the photo with the caption “ MY LITTLE DEMON DEMANDS CAFFINE” #Day6concert #theshitwedofortheseguys

“Young K.” She responds. 

“All of this is for your lovely and beautiful Young K.” You sigh taking a seat next to her as she. She puts her head on your shoulder. 

“I will jump off the balcony if he even so much as looks at me.” She clarifies. 

“It’s a good thing I brought handcuffs. So I can cuff you to your chair.” You snort

“I will take the chair with me.” 

“ I will be holding on to said chair. So your gunna be pretty stuck.” 

“You are absolutely no fun.” 

“Your right I am completely and utterly boring.” You smiled and opened your twitter again. Your phone had dinged with notifications. People had been asking you for updates since you showed up so you weren’t thinking about how you’d left your twitter handle for Jae to find. 

You had one new private message though and opening it you saw it was from Jae and your breath caught in your throat it read : 1st you help me get out of the coffee shop without being noticed then you paid for me and the losers breakfast. Who are you? 

You groaned and your best friend looked at you puzzled,” What’s wrong with you now?” 

“Jae...” 

“I know he’s always picking on my pink pillow... You finally ready to help me punch him?” Her eyes are hopeful and bright and the blanket is wrapped around her shoulders revealing the bedhead and your trying not to laugh at how ridiculous it looks because she looks serious and ridiculous all at once. 

“No, your not punching anyone.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because we don’t hit people.” 

“But he’s a dick.” 

“ I think the boys are aware of that and they take care of themselves.” You think back to how he so carefully had the Barista writing the names on cups and picking out the sweet treats and goodies from the desert case and having them put in baggies and labeled so carefully. 

You responded to Jae : I’m a Fan. Shouldn’t you be saying THANK YOU? Where are your manners? 

Nooder takes a long gulp of coffee and then she puts her head on your shoulder. “You realize this is going to be the funnest day of our lives right?” 

“More fun then when Micheal Clifford licked his lips and made sex eyes with you at the 5 Seconds of Summer concert?” 

“ I told you we weren't ever going to talk about that again.” Nooder says sitting up and pulling herself out of the blanket to stretch 

Jae Messages again and you chuckle opening to read: THANK YOU. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? 

“WHAT are you so chipper about over there? Shouldn’t you be braiding my hair?” Nooder says and you pop your little weird world bubble and you look at your best friend and try and decide how to tell her that you met the band member she wants to punch. 

“Give me the brush then damnit.” You instruct as you type back to Jae in all lowercase letters 

: why are you yelling? i was never upset to begin with. lul 

Nooder sets the brush in your hand and you shove the phone in your pocket and stand so her head is level with your waist. Your pocket buzzes and Nooder ever observant doesn't fail to notice you keep focused on brushing and sectioning off the hair letting her speak,” Okay so what is up with you and concerts and Twitter feeds?” 

“What do you mean me and concerts and Twitter feeds?” you respond sectioning off the last of the hair and gathering a large section in your fingers. 

“ YOUR PHONE, since we got here that thing hasn’t really stopped flashing or buzzing or whatever you have it set to do.” Nooder says trying to turn to look at you but you yank her head back into place gently and she grumbles taking a sip of your coffee,” and it’s been even worse this morning.” 

“Okay so people follow what I do on Twitter, all I do is take pictures of how long the line is and give like a countdown till showtime. Some people love it, other people hate it. I get lots of questions. It’s the day of the concert it’s after 6am I went and got coffee. I updated how close we were to the door. That you were awake. All the normal stuff.” You reasoned as you grabbed a patch of hair and wove it into the other strands,” I need you to hand me those gems and flowers now.” 

“Are you sure you know what your doing?” Nooder sounds anxious 

“Trust me. I went to beauty school long enough for this.” 

“Fair.” She hands up the bucket with all the red and pink gems that she had picked out and you grab a few of the flowers making sure they will look elegant instead of trashy before you start working them into the braids. 

“So what if I told you I met someone this morning in the coffee shop?” You asked experimentally grabbing a gem and shaking your head not liking the placement. 

“Was he wearing a suit?” 

“No.” 

“That’s right your not into the whole suit thing... Was it the Barista? I heard some of the other girls as they walked by saying he was cute.” 

Your phone buzzed again and your were trying not to laugh or smile to hard,” Are you talking about those hard core Brian fans.” 

“BRIAN I ONLY KNOW YOUNG K.” There was a resounding chant but Nooder was the one leading the chant coffee in the air. 

“No, It wasn’t the barista either. In fact I kinda helped this guy out of a bind.” You finally placed one of the gems and looked pleased your phone buzzed again and you rolled your eyes,” he’s kinda nosey to be honest.” 

“Y/N Please tell me you did not find some cheesy hipster guy in a coffee shop and rescue him....” Nooder is trying not to wail,” those get clingy and you can't get rid of them.” 

“I don’t  think your going to want me to get rid of this one...”  you sang back softly tying off the braid and reaching for your coffee and your phone to open up your messages on Twitter 

two were from Jae and the third was from a fan who had seen him follow you and was angry : What kind of whore thing did you do to get Jae to follow you? I bet your not even a real fan. 

Jae : why are you so nice? 

Jae: The losers want to say thank you for breakfast could we come see you in line- if you won't let me give you VIP passes? 

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN IM NOT GUNNA WANT YOU TO GET RID OF THIS ONE? OF COURSE I AM HES PROBABLY A CREEPY.” Nooder is changing under the blanket into her Day6 concert outfit, loudly ranting about how Jae is probably a serial killer hipster. While you type out your response.

YReponse: Im not sure that’s a good Idea either. 

His response was instant 

Jae: Why not? 

YResponse: My best friend wants to punch you because your mean to Wonpil. Plus there are lots of fans out here. 

Jae: OH COME ON! The guys a walking bucket of Jokes. Besides the point the Losers still want to express their thanks. 

YResponse: I am not going to put any of you in jeopardy before the concert. I’m not the only fan here you know ;)

Jae: You are impossible 

YResponse: No I’m Like Bob the Builder. CAN WE FIX IT? No we can’t. 

Jae: So your not letting any of us come outside because your friends wants to punch me?

YResponse: Pretty Much and I don’t want you mobbed. :) 

Jae: Tell your best friend I loath her. I will find you tonight at that concert. I swear and you will be receiving VIP passes. 

YResponse: Let the hunt begin :) 

“ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING RIGHT NOW? I just told you half a dozen ways this guy could gut you and put you in the freezer in the woods and your standing there looking at your Twitter like a dreamed up school girl.”  Nooder is on a roll and she’s full dressed drinking her coffee like it’s some kind of Liquor and you can’t help but chuckle. 

“ The last thing on his mind is stuffing me in a freezer. See for yourself.” You hand her your phone and she takes it her eyes scanning over the text and at first she is quiet reading along. So you lean against the wall counting down in your head the moment your peace will end. You sip your coffee and watch as she drops your phone straight onto the blankets you made your base camp in. 

“YOU DID NOT?!?!”

“I did.” 

“No you didn’t this has got to be a fake.” 

You chuckle and pick up the phone and send Jae a message : Loathing one the BFF doesn’t believe me need a live twitter feed of you and losers talking about what happened in the coffee shop this morning. 

Jae: I can do you even better.  #FINDTHEGIRL #WENEEDTOTALK

YResponse: You wouldn’t Dare

Jae: I would. Hunts on :) 

YResponse: Maybe I should let her punch you

Nooder was watching you type this all out and Jae’s quick responses. 

“You aren’t lying are you?” She’s breathless.

“No. Why would I lie your my best friend.” 

“ You don’t want me to punch him.” 

“Because he has a concert and he’s human too. You tell me all the time about how Idols ask to be treated as human beings instead of like these aliens or figures that you can’t touch. “ You reasoned 

“Yeah but at the same time they are so different from us, their skills are a whole new level. It’s a different world than ours.” Nooder claimed 

“This morning when I saw Jae and he realized I recognized who he was, you should have seen how scared he was... How much he wanted to run right out the door and just be gone. So I stopped. I just stopped and I treated him like I’d treat any person I met. Sure I knew his name and his face but I treated him with Kindness. I didn’t ask for his number or his picture. I just let him decide what he wanted to tell me.”  You recounted thinking about how you carefully calmed yourself and then smiled offering him more room to stand. 

“Then what? You said you got him out of a bind how?” Nooder asks 

“Oh. remember those girls with the Young K and Day6 stuff on? They came into the coffee shop right behind him. So I let him switch spots with me and made sure he stayed forward facing...Then when he ordered I paid for it and when I felt like the girls recognized him I made up this bogus BS story about his mom being sick and him bringing coffee and goodies to his family and I hugged him until the coffee was ready and then I left. “  you finished tying up the story nicely. 

“Wait so how did he get your twitter handle and YOU BOUGHT YO-”You stuck a hand over Nooder mouth not wanting her to make you. You wanted Jae to have to hunt a little to have to find you. 

“I had the barista write my handle on his drink. YES I also bought the rest of the band their coffee and breakfast are you happy. NOW we can’t go spreading this around like wildfire. Because Jae and the band have to be on the hunt. So... WE have some work to do here.” 

“Will you let me Punch Jae?” 

“ We’ll talk about that later but right now we need to make ourselves look really good and not so much like the pictures I've been taking. SO no selfies.” 

“Roger. I call dibs on Young K. “ 

You can't help but smile because of course your friends already decided what’s happening with who. 

[this-brownie]

3.28.20

Coronavirus

Levi and I are in Florida right now, quarantining ourselves from the coronavirus. its already our 5th day here— we left nyc on the morning of 3/24. Levi drove literally 14 hours in one day, we finally got a few hours rest in savannah and then booked it again until we reached west palm beach. were staying at an airbnb and its pretty spacious, clean, and has an amazing heated pool. the owners live right next to us which is annoying because it feels like our parents are watching over us. other than that, the weather has been beautiful and everything else is relatively comfortable. we did $700 worth of groceries so that we wouldn't have to leave the house and potentially get sick. I have to admit I'm loving being a homemaker— my daily decisions include what bikini to wear to the pool, what to make and eat for each meal, and who to talk on the phone with. I feel really privileged and blessed that I have Levi; because of him I am able to live in comfort and not worry about having a roof over my head or whether I will get to eat. because of this whole virus shit, im not working at either of my jobs. my first job is as a behavior technician, where I teach life skills to little children with autism. nyc shut its schools down which means we can't continue our services either because its not safe to be outside right now and to gather with many people. my supervisor is aware of her employee’s financial struggles so she's instituted paid online training where we can at least have a little income while the situation blows over. in my other job, I work as a receptionist and JUST got promoted to management but unfortunately haven't been able to work one day in my new position. how life works. thankfully, my boss called me (and all the other staff) to update us on when he will be reopening the salon and how things will be going forward. he said I may have to take on a bigger role in the future. that makes me hopeful that he isn't thinking about firing me, so for now I will continue to be patient.

other than my own lack-of-work problems, I am doing okay. Levi makes enough money that I technically don't have to be working. I feel fucking lucky that I don't have to stress about my finances or any external factors. true, Levi is still stressing and working away; since he works remotely anyway, his job has not been affected. but for me personally, I am trying not overthink or become anxious about the outside world. in the end, I don't have the ability to create any type of change. this may sound hopeless but actually it is just helping me to let go of things that are not in my hands. I still worry about my family and friends, about small business owners, about the economy, about how the world will look once we come out of this, but I am tying to distance myself from it as much as I can. im in the middle of Florida— escaped far from my home, so I will let that guide my emotions. I am here now, I will just have to make the best of it. Levi smokes and he wanted to leave for two reasons. the first is because nyc is incredibly packed and there is a much higher chance of becoming infected simply because of how crowded the city is, the lack of space, and the amount of people who still have to go to work despite being sick or not. the second reason is that Florida has less people, and enough hospitals so that should anything happen to us we can still access healthcare without being put on an intense wait, or possibly dying while waiting. its true that Florida has more old people— from what I see of Italy, the older generation is getting sick, and dying, at such a rate that hospitals are deciding to prioritize younger lives— so if we do get sick, I think they would probably, hopefully, take care of us first. its fucked up but so is life in general.

I believe the govt wants to kill people by the masses which is why not a lot is being done in terms of efficiently safekeeping people. how does a country like the us which has so much wealth and the “greatest military in the world” unable to have the resources to take care of its sick, not properly enforce people to stay inside, and give priority on bailing companies out rather than individuals or families? by choice. the more people die, the more the rest will become scared and be willing to give up their rights. I wonder if people will take a step back and think, just weeks ago all these minimum wage workers were called “low skilled”, uneducated, and useless and YET here we are, relying on them to keep us fed, to transport us, to have things running smoothly. how do we allow that as a society. if these minimum wage workers weren't fucking desperate and already worried about feeding their families, they would not put up with it. that's how capitalism works, it literally exploits workers who don't have better options. people are probably too scared right now to do anything. they need these shitty jobs, this shitty pay. I read a meme that said “I received a letter that said I am an essential employee, and a paycheck that clearly said I am not”. that's what the fuck these people are being forced to endure. its not like the big companies are gonna die out. and even if they do, fucking let the. all of these motherfuckers are so greedy, fucking Jeff Bezos has a fundraiser so that people can donate to his sick workers. motherfucker, what the fuck are YOU doing? richest man on earth, biggest piece of shit. I hope he fucking dies. and okay, lets say these people are not important, let them die. the poor, the homeless, the druggies, the mentally insane, the losers. let them die out. what about the ‘worthy’? the ones battling it out in the hospitals and healthcare industry. they don't even have proper attire to protect them from the very ones they are trying to save. what about them? don't we care enough to help them either? if every doctor and nurse get infected, who is going to be left to take care of the rest of the population? what's the point. even if these people want to be selfish they can't. the govt would willingly let us die out rather than give us a cent. I hope people can see through this veil, can see through their issues and hinderances and see where the problem lies. when we finally understand that WE are them, we are the poor, we are no better than the next, we are not motherfucking Jeff bezos, only then can we come together and ignite a revolution. until then, these are just thoughts circling my head. 

I am trying to take this time to work on some hobbies that I don't have time for in my usual life. thank god I don't have to worry about children to feed. thank god I don't live paycheck to paycheck. thank god I live with my husband, my companion, and am not stuck in a household where I would feel extremely stuck. I feel extremely grateful that I can treat this escape like a vacation, when so many others are struggling. because I am unable to help others much, I am trying to focus on bettering myself as much as I can. my goals are to cook daily, practice my French, work out by doing krav maga, yoga or regular home workouts, read some books, and routinely start to write again. the most I can do for my loved ones is be there emotionally and possibly send them some money. I had a little sum of money saved up which I gave to my mom before I left, and still have a little left for whoever else may need. I hope this all ends soon and we come out better and stronger, because the alternative would be devastating.

[despairforme]

What drew you to nnoitra? I would love to know what it is that attracted you to his character and made you choose him as a muse, since you always speak of your love for him c:

     [ BLESS YOU ANON THIS IS THE BEST OOC QUESTION TO RECEIVE! I never get tired of talking about Nnoitra and how much I love him. I guess that’s what it’s like being passionate about someone or something? Anyways! Lemme talk about Nnoitra!

     I must confess, that when I first watched Bleach, I didn’t pay much attention to Nnoitra. My favourite characters were Gin and Mayuri, and Byakuya. But then, in April 2013, I drew Nnoitra. I don’t remember why I did that ( and the drawing was so bad i cry ), but THAT was when I started loving him. Drawing him gave me inspiration. I had literally found my MUSE. ( muse, noun, definition: a person or personified force who is the source of inspiration for a creative artist. ). After I started drawing Nnoitra, I got more inspired to do different poses, and to just generally draw more. Drawing him came ‘ easy ‘ to me. I never had to feel like I was ‘ uninspired ‘ to draw. By drawing more, I ended up improving a lot, which helped my confidence a lot. Since drawing Nnoitra had become such an important thing for my overall creativity, it was only natural that I wanted to know more about him, as a character. So when I rewatched Bleach, he was my main focus, and this time around, since I paid so much attention to him, I got a grip of his character, and since I’ve always had a thing for ‘ villains ‘, I ended up adoring him. He became my all-time favourite character.

     Then, I started roleplaying on tumblr. I was in the One Piece fandom for about a year, but I always wanted to roleplay Nnoitra. However, the Bleach fandom looked really intimidating to me, and since I was so new to rping in general, I didn’t know how to go about changing fandoms. Finally, I decided to make my Nnoitra roleplay blog, but since all my rp partners were in the One Piece fandom, I gave Nnoitra a One Piece verse, with no intentions of bringing him into a Bleach setting.

     Just like drawing Nnoitra had boosted my creativity, writing him did too. Actually, writing him had a much greater impact on pretty much my whole life. I used to be really insecure, and scared of approaching people, but when Nnoitra became my muse, I didn’t feel like this anymore. I didn’t question whether or not I was doing a good job with the muse or wonder if people wanted to interact with me or not. I was just at ease. Not only that, but I had SO much fun. Doing drafts wasn’t a struggle anymore, and I literally got up at 5:55 every day to get to write with some of my favourite partners ( timezones yo ), just because I was having such a great time with Nnoitra ( I had rped with the same partners on my previous blogs ). Rping had always been ‘ fun ‘, sure, but not like this.

     Then came the whole ride with making the modern!AU for him, where I got a lot of creative liberty, and, of course, coming up with all the little quirks and details about his backstory was a blast. It was easy too, because Nnoitra is so inspiring to me.

     With Nnoitra, I have been allowed to meet so many great people, and write good threads that have developed my writing skills. I never would’ve had such a good time if I was writing another muse. There is no other character who can be for me what Nnoitra is. Literally - MY MUSE.

     Now, I’ve been writing him for about three years, which doesn’t sound like much ( I know people who have been with their characters for like 10 years? ), but considering how much I’ve been writing, I dare say I know him really well by now. There was a time when I wrote 55k words per month. I would love to do that now too, but I can’t. Which brings me to the next thing -

     My health is not good. I have a very rare illness that gives me a lot of pain, especially in my fingers and right wrist. This, of course, means that I can draw less, and write less than I used to. But, since Nnoitra is such an important person to me, I always push myself a little harder so that I can give him some attention ( I try to do a little bit every day ). Not just because he deserves it, but because writing him is my favourite thing in the whole world. It’s not just a ‘ hobby ‘, but it’s a way for me to feel like I’m doing something I’m good at. To feel accomplished and happy. I also feel like I have a ‘ purpose ‘, if that makes sense. Without me, there would be nobody to write my Nnoitra. Because I’ve worked so closely with him these past three years, I feel like he deserves a life. I, myself, don’t really have much of a ‘ life ‘, since I’m sick, have no real life friends and can’t get a job. So, I really want to see how Nnoitra’s life progresses. His life is pretty much the only thing I’m ‘ creating ‘ ( I’ve always loved making things, like stories or drawings ). Without Nnoitra I would feel totally useless.

     So, Nnoitra has given me inspiration, creativity, motivation, confidence, friends, a purpose. Like, if I have a really bad pain day and I don’t even wanna get out of bed, I’m like: come on toby at least give Nnoitra some love, he deserves it. Another VERY important thing that he has given me is gratitude. Because of my illness, it’s easy to think that life sucks and that it’s unfair or whatever, but because I have Nnoitra, an actual muse - a source of inspiration, a life, I feel LUCKY. I feel blessed. I have no right to complain when I have such an amazing character with me. So basically, Nnoitra allows me to stay positive, even on bad days.

     I also wanna make a quick note about how many FRIENDS Nnoitra has given me. Without the confidence that he gives me, I would’ve been missing out on so much. I never feel stressed out about popping into people’s askboxes or chatting them up on IMs/Skype. Nnoitra is my ‘ safe place ‘, so there is nothing for me to be scared of. I don’t have any real life friends, so my online friends mean a lot to me. I’m so glad that I’m a confident roleplayer. This has also given me a lot more interactions than I would’ve gotten if I had been too scared to approach ( maybe the ship with Lexie’s Grimmjow never would’ve happened ). 

     How much he has done for me isn’t the only reason why I love him though. I also love every single thing about his character. I love his looks. I love that he’s skinny and tall ( I’ve always loved bones and visible veins ). I love his long, straight black hair that perfectly frames his face. I love his sharp chin and HUGE teeth that makes him look like a fucking piano when he grins. I love the fact that he only has one eye. I love the design of his canon uniform, and especially his high-heeled boots. I love Santa Teresa. I love how pale he is. I love how he wears bracelets around those skinny wrists.

     Then, his personality. I love the fact that he’s suicidal, but doesn’t kill himself. I relate to the fact that he’s depressed. Him being sexist makes him even more interesting, since it’s a trait that’s pretty rare in characters (especially ocs, I find). I love his accent ( even if I gave it to him, mostly ). I love how ‘ simple ‘ he is when it comes to certain things, and how badly he feels that he’ unloveable. I love (and relate) to how he feels like a failure in everything but one thing (in his human!au anyway). I love how DEDICATED he is to Grimmjow, and how important it is for him to be recognized and appreciated. To me, he is a deep character with several aspects. I don’t like it when people call my Nnoitra ‘ the depressed one ‘, or ‘ the despairing one ‘. There is more to him than that. He has good days. He has ambitions. He had dreams and nightmares. He’s got silly quirks ( being allergic to bugspray, loving watermelon, having a fidget spinner, etc ). Calling him ‘ the depressed one ‘ kind of undermines the effort I’ve made to build a character. Speaking of -

     I also love what I have made him. I don’t think my Nnoitra is ‘ ooc ‘ at all, and I won’t have my portrayal questioned. I write a good Nnoitra, I’m not afraid to say that. I put as much effort into him as I’m physically able to. I see people throw around the word ‘ love ‘ a lot. I don’t have many things in my life that I truly love. The only people on that list are my family members, and Nnoitra. 

     Maybe some think it’s ‘ sad ‘ that writing Nnoitra is my life. But, I don’t think so. Like I said - I feel blessed. I don’t think it’s given that an artist ( if one can call me that ) or an author ( can I even be called that… ) even finds their real muse ( as in, the definition of it ). So of course I feel lucky to have been blessed with Nnoitra. I couldn’t have asked for a better one. I wouldn’t trade the hours I’ve spend working on him for anything. 

     I love him so much. Everything that reminds me of him makes me happy. For example, when my mother asks me if I can give her a spoon, I laugh and go; HELL YEAH, SPOONS ARE THE SUPERIOR CUTLERY! I take care of insects and spiders ( and I forbid anyone in the family to kill any ), because Nnoitra is a mantis. I have SO much Nnoitra art in my room ( all drawn by me, how lame ), and the bleach cover where Nnoitra appears is placed right above my computer, so that I can look at it all the time. When I watch a movie and a character says something that Nnoitra would say, I go: Nnoitra, it’s you! I always pick five of everything. The fifth seat in the cinema, on the fifth row, for example. Even our address is ‘ nr 5 ‘. I go out at night if there is a pretty moon, because Nnoitra loves the stars and the moon. Oh, and I have a moon lamp in my room too! If there is something new on the Nnoitra tag on tumblr, or new art of him on deviantart or pixiv, that literally makes my day. Nnoitra is MY ENTIRE WORLD.

     So, since he is my life, what will happen when I lose the muse? Seems like that happens to a lot of rp-blogs, right? Well, it’s not going to happen to me. Because Nnoitra IS my inspiration. I don’t have to be inspired to write him, I get inspired by writing him. He doesn’t TAKE AWAY motivation from me, he gives me motivation. I wouldn’t say I ‘ chose him ‘ as a muse. It’s stupid to say that he chose me, but - we were introduced to each other by mere chance. Just because I was sketching some random bleach characters one day! Who would’ve known that my life would change from that. I know I say I love Nnoitra on a lot of my posts, and that’s because I really do. I want to share my love for him and show him off. Because I am proud of him, and he is everything to me. 

     … Talking about him like this makes me emotional— aaaaaaaaa. Anyway, thank you so much for this question anon! I always enjoy talking about Nnoitra. I could talk about him for days. Talking about him makes me happy! I will continue to post stuff about how much I love him. So yes, thank you anon! ]

[survivor-of-removal]

Dark Seeker's history summer/ early autum

There’s not much point doing this blog if i don’t tell you everything thats happened so far. It was 2013 i discovered creepypasta. It was an innocent enough mistake. i spelled a word wrong... yes all my pain and suffering was caused by a fucking spelling mistake. Maybe i shouldn't of hated on that miserable sarcastic teaching assistant that tortured me every Wednesday before swimming class. Maybe my lazy ass should've paid attention.

Anyway it was me looking for a thrill. You know, a scary game to scare the shit out of myself. So i typed in "scaryest game on the internet". Despite the agony its almost funny to think that such an innocent mistake would ruin my life. The "word" scaryest brought me to the more sinister games. Im guessing it was like a deep web link or something similar because it brought me to the dodgy games. Like for an example it brought me to a game, can't even remember what its called. i couldn't find it again even after a long deep search. It had this image on it:

(smile Jeff)

i played the game. i didn't understand it very much. i reversed the image search, brought me to "smile Jeff" a combination of two images, a recreation of the real smile dog picture and the original Jeff the killer song. For some odd reason smile dog didn't interest me at first. The picture was creepy for sure but the name Jeff the killer seemed more interesting. Stupidly enough i did some research on Jeff the killer. the worst mistake of my life. i read a story named "go to sleep" yep thats right, the original Jeff the killer story, the one that tells how he became the way he is. its harder to find nowadays. The part when Jeff carved a smile in his face and burnt off his eyelids shocked me. baring in mind i was only in my early 11 years of age. i wasn't supposed to read that stuff. i remember shaking. literally shaking. i was genuinely shocked, scared. It scarred me but for some odd reason it wasn't enough. i waited three days telling everyone "i read this terrifying story" that was until i finished primary school which was after 3 days. The whole summer holidays was in front of me as well as a new secondary school. It was like everything was set up to fail. That summer i looked deeper and deeper staying up late looking at more creepypastas. Jeff was always my favourite. None of the others did it for me like he did. when i went on holiday to jersey the hotel there had about 5 acres of grounds. It had a forest, fields, and a really large patio area (like really large) where the wine cellar was and where they grew herbs and everything. The best part (at the time) was that it was always empty. The only part that really ever got used was the pool area. the other areas during the later afternoon where always empty. It had different layers and everything with a well and small little cottages, some of the places in the grounds were so rural it felt like a country village. and of course in the evening everything was empty. By then i had discovered a new favorite creepy pasta: the Rake. i used to go rake hunting in the woods next to the manor/hotel. i used to have great fun scaring the crap out of myself. now for those out there who are big into creepypasta stuff. you'll know that there's another one, a big one, one that usually sits next to the rake in terms of myths and fandom. Yes thats right: the Slender man.

this one made me almost forget all the others. From a first glance, one glance thats all it took: i was engrossed. For the next day i didn't go out exploring. i stayed in reading about him, everything i could spend hours reading stories, doing "research". The next time i went out something felt very off and as i walked around i felt like i was being watched. i shrugged it off as paranoia but returned to my families room soon after because it just felt too bad. On the final day of the holiday me and my family took a hike in the area near the ferry port. The whole thing felt weird. The fenced off woods intrigued me. something drew me closer. By now i was already playing the mass of slender man games on the app store.

When i got home it was non-stop slender man, short films, stories not even on creepypasta, stories on creepypasta and looking at pictures, videos, everything i could get my thumbs on. i thought it wasn't real. Some of you may scoff at this. Most people today "know" he isn't real. Every fucking website: "oh he was created on the something awful forums, na na na"

i wanted to believe in it, i wanted to think it was all real. It would be exiting, if i was stalked it would make my life a fun adventure. The stupid innocent ignorance of a fucking 11 year old. That was when he appeared in my dream. i cant remember the dream anymore, i have a few visions. One was an empty mossy swimming pool surrounded by thick dark woods, and he was standing in the entrance to the forest. i woke up. i wasn't scared, i was almost exited, but something suppressed that feeling almost. i cant describe it, it was a feeling of difference, the whole room didn't seem right like something was off, horribly off. i was in my room, but i wasn't. i got to sleep eventually. But had another dream. i was in a field, woods surrounding it with overgrown brown grass, the sky was blue and it was sunny, it was sweet. There were other people if i remember rightly but ill never forget the tree in the middle of the field. i went up to it and the best way to describe it is that on the tree, a suit and tie were carved on in the right place like the tree would come alive any moment. My dad woke me up. today we were going to some boats race thing. Hundreds of people were going to be there. i can remember telling my dad i had a bad dream but didn't tell him what it was. he by now knew of my creepy pasta addiction. Luckily, or at least lucky at the time, right next to the massive field next to the river there was a large dark forest. i played around in there. i was looking for him of course. surprisingly the forest felt calm.

The day was going fine. If i remember they had a BBQ on the main field anyway, or they were selling hot dogs or something. Anyway, the day was good. That was until i had to go to an aunts' birthday party. Some people got drunk if i remember rightly and everyone was "partying" a little too hard for middle-aged people. i spent most of the night outside in the pub garden staring into the dark trees thinking about slender man. i told my grandma and one of my aunts about slenderman, and they couldn't stop laughing. i was slightly annoyed by this i dont know why.

By the way if you're wondering how i can remember all this, which if sure you are it's because i have a high functioning form of autism. no I’m not a retard, the opposite in fact, i have a high IQ but do find it hard in social situations and other minor things like that. i can remember when i was 6 for goodnes’s sake. i have a good memory, its never been bad, it's been blurry at times, usually when im... when is... yeah

but anyway i was happy to go home, it had been a long day. as we were driving home i had the sudden urge to look out the window, and there he was, standing there on the pavement. i had never been more shocked in my life, but the thing i remember is confusion. i dont know why but i was more surprised than scared.

The rest of the summer was okay i guess, a lot of homework that my new secondary had set (how brutal is that, i hadn't even attended a day at the school, and they gave summer homework) and of course long nights looking at slender man stories. One i remember well is "the rocking chair" i cant find it again but it was about a rocking chair on a campsite and whoever sat in it at night would encounter slender man. i dont know why i remember that one. i was fully obsessed reading creepiest one after the other. By now they were regular stories, i wasn't scared, i was reading stories at 11 that are supposed to frighten fucking adults. i look back on it now. Maybe i didn't realize what i was doing but now i know. i was harming myself: psychologically.

School began. Or should i say hell began. The academy i attended was brutal, vicious. no one liked me. i jumped from being fairly popular in primary (people liked me because i was quirky) to being the laughingstock and the loser of not just the class, not just my year group. no we are talking about the whole fucking school. for goodnes’s sake, pupils that came from my primary didn't even like me anymore. a girl i danced with in the school disco sort of thing didn't even like me, they turned me away, i was an embarrassment. i tried to fit in but i couldn't. i tried to joke, i tried to laugh, i tried to join in conversations, but they would all turn me down as a "gay weirdo". Its painful looking back on it. i was so confused at the time. i knew no one, not the teachers, all my friends were gone and the ones that did go to the same school turned me away too engrossed in their new friends. i would just sit there at break and read creepypastas in the corner. It was an escape from hell. By now i started getting slender sickness, nose bleeds, coughing fits, nausea, ringing in my ears. and i shadow would follow me everywhere, a tall wispy dark shadow with long arms that would stand in the corner of the recreation ground at break and just watch me disappearing each time a looked directly at it. it would follow me home, i would see it outside, in town. i wanted answers. i knew it was slender man, i knew he was after me. i had the sickness, the obsession, i saw him, i got detentions all the time. i couldn't concentrate in class. Either i tried to make conversation with the boy next to me, he seemed fairly... different... so i trusted him. he didn't make fun of me like the others. By now my new nickname was weirdo. i didn't choose the nickname. i minded my own business. The first week i tried to make friends went so wrong i just sat in the corner at breaks and minded my own business, sometimes silently crying about the lesson beforehand when someone had humiliated me or picked on me for no reason. But still they came up to me and made fun of me then. i remember i had two spots i would hide. There was a pathway that went off the main recreation space up to a fire exit, i would sit by the fire exit door away from everyone watched everyone have fun, laughing, joking, groups of kids like me walking around with their friends. i had no one. no one but my stupid creepypastas. i had imaginary friends too. Tommy, cal, they were all i had, and they weren't even fucking real. My other place was behind the fence. There was a gate next to the football pitches that entered a small area behind a wooden fence. i was the only person who ever went there. after all who else would go behind some tall wooden fences into that small isolated space. i wouldn't eat lunch, the cafeteria was a spot for bullying. no one would let me sit down. i began to become really skinny. But i felt better behind a wooden fence where no one could find me than eating. At this point my obsession with slender man took over everything. in school any opportune to write about something, draw something, anything optional, it would always be about slender man. My life was breaking down. Detentions every day. i almost liked them. It was stop me from going outside. i think the teachers knew: they would send me out early to socialize. Socialize with whom? i had no friends. i only had enemies. People wouldn't let me sit down. they would shout at me tell me to fuck off. If i walked past people they would drop the "gay" insult or call me names. i never understood why. i didn't do anything. in sports, i was always the last to get picked. in the end i just refused to play, every sports lesson just made me feel horrible inside. i would sit in the corner and do nothing. i dont suppose it helped but its not like anyone would pass the ball or anything. they would call me a girl because i had long hair. It wasn't even that long. It was more of an emo fringe than anything but still, it pissed me off, and they liked that. People liked my reaction.

(End of part 1)

[iwritedisstracks-blog]

my life is now so fucking boring. the most exciting part of my day is going to the gym and when i occasionally go to the grocery store. i go days without having face to face interaction with someone who wasn’t paid to talk to me. my life is painfully boring and pathetic right now. pATHtic. i am trying. i think my ass is slowly looking better though i guess. i went to a boxing class on accident. i actually enjoyed getting yelled at because at least someone was talking to me :-) the person im fucking told me they try to call me because they know im siting at home alone :-) that’s pretty pathetic! hahahahahhahahahahhahahahaha i have no friends left. the only people i genuinely want to hang out with here is:

my neighbor

i have a fun time with my geologist friend when i show up but i always have a bit of anxiety about seeing him because i think he has a crush on me and i feel like i always have to keep distance between us because of that so idk i dont even know if it counts because i still have a bit of anxiety

my therapist (but i mean she’s paid so i dont know if that counts)

the boy i’m fucking

yeah idk. i have like 2 maybe 3 other people who ask me to hang out but most of the time i just bail or whatever because i don’t really want to be around them. i wanted to hang out with my old roommate but she makes me feel guilty for not being there so it makes me want to be there even less but i guess i could’ve done a better job but i guess only care about it cuz i feel guilty so even then i didn’t really care i guess.

i have lost all my friends because they were all fucking jerks for their own unique and very fucked up reasons. maybe aside from one she is just weak. but the rest destroyed my social standing by spreading rumoes, stole hundreds of dollars from me, and generally used me to make themselves feel better. or to keep a roof over their heads. but either way shes still gone. but yeah im far better and healthier without them but the fucking mundane lonely boringness of my life is almost as bad as being in relationships that aren’t good for me. i listen to podcasts so i can better stomach the silence of my life. i hate living alone. but i can shit in peace as much as i want i guess.

i try to supplement this by internet communications with my friends in other places across the globe but this is just like....a small crack hit idk it makes me feel nice for maybbe an hour or the evening if im lucky, but eventually it’s back to the same day in and day out. when i try to talk to my friends about it its like yeah they get it cuz everyone is lonely but i dont think they like....*get* it. everyone around me at least has things occupying them even if they hate it. they have interests and passions and homework. i have homework too but i just dont care enough to do it. my passions include listening to podcasts and going to the gym. i like going to the gym beacuse i get to be around people. pathetic. 

im also too tired and have been burned too many times to try to make new friends. i hate my school and im old now. no one really is making friends with a last semester senior. im not interested in participating in school related events, i.e. i wont join a club to meet people. i stopped smoking weed so the void has just gotten even bigger, although i do think my decision to stop smoking was good. i tried to pick up drinking on a friday night but i even suck at that. im at a point where i resent netflix and i feel my soul drop ever so slightly, further into descension, building upon the depth of my emptiness every time i turn on the office. if i have to listen to michael gary scott fill my void any fucking more im going to lose it. this was once my depression show. now it is the show that makes me depressed. i feel like i rarely get any relief from these feelings now; it only comes if i have an uplifting conversation with one of my internet friends (thats how my friends feel now. like a series of 0s and 1s.) or right after i finish a workout, which is just a fake induced shot of dopeamine. it fades as soon as i remember i have to walk back home. i’m even posting into the void; no one will read this hahaha.

i am like a much healthier person and i am a lot better at setting boundaries and meaning it and doing what i need to do. i am better. i am a much better healthier person. but im fucking bored and im fucking lonely. 

i bought a midi keyboard with a beatpad to try to occupy my time. ive played with music for years so idk maybe this will at least occupy my time. i want to create something i want to feel like the space i take up is meaningful i have no friends AND i have no purpose. i can’t get a job because for the amount of time i have left here no one will hire me and im fucking sick and tired and above working minimum wage jobs. i am like hopeful about my future and i dont think it will be this way forever but it will at least be this way until september....and it’s only January :-/ i also have been trying to get into cooking more which i love when im doing it and shit but idk! i dont got the answers this shit fuckin whack

[austinattack]

do all the questions

is this a fuckin joke? under the cut, damn. 

1.How many concerts have you been to?

i can not count, if you’re really interested in who exactly ive seen i have a page on my tumblr called shows

2. Have you been to any festivals? 

warped tour is the only actual festival cuz fuck that and fuck warped tour lol

3. Which artist/band have you seen the most live? 

i’ve seen Silverstein 11 times :’)

4. First concert you went to? 

Hilary Fucking Duff

5. Last concert you went to?

As It Is in NYC

6. What is your next concert?

Good Charlotte on the 18th!

7. Which artists/bands would you love to see live? 

harry styles. that bitch. 

8. The farthest you’ve traveled to go to a concert? 

buffalo. 5 hours. fuck one direction.

9. Best opening act you’ve seen? 

lmao idk.

10. Worst opening act you’ve seen? 

idk dude.

11. Have you met any bands/artists at a concert? 

yeah, quite a few. 

12. What’s one thing you have to bring to a concert? 

ID usually?

13. What’s the most you’ve paid for a ticket? 

100+ for stupid ass one direction

14. Best concert you’ve been to? 

shit man. idk. this is hard??? i literally don’t have one???

15.Worst concert you’ve been to? 

the first time i saw brand new in like, 2009 or 2010. it was just mega disappointing. but then the times i saw them last year were amazing so.

16. Have you been in a social media post an artist posted after a show? 

a silverstein snapchat

17.Funniest concert memory? 

punching being as an oceans singer in the jaw on accident?

18. Do you buy your tickets as soon as they go on sale, after, or the day of? 

usually right when they’re on sale.

19. Have you ever been noticed by an artist at a concert? 

i mean there’s the “omg they’re totally looking at me” thing?

20. Have you met any internet friends at a concert? 

no :(

21. Which concert that you’ve been to has had the best stage setup/production?

a day to remember a few years back.

22. Have you ever caught a guitar pick, drumstick, got a setlist, etc.?

i’ve gotten set lists before.

23. Favorite concert venue? 

hmmmm. i really liked the filmore in philly, and the electric factory in philly. u go philly.

24. Least favorite concert venue?

idk, big places.

25. Which do you prefer: indoor or outdoor concerts? 

indoor.

26. Which do you prefer: clubs, theaters, arenas, or stadiums? 

clubs.

27. Have you ever missed school or work to go to a concert? 

usually if i take time off work it’s for a show, so.

28. Have you ever been surprised with tickets from someone? 

hilary duff in 2005 thanks mom

29. Who do you enjoy going to concerts with? 

i like going with my friend george the best. 

30. General admission or seated concerts?

general admission. i hate seats SO much.

31. Have you been to multiple dates for one tour? 

no. 

32. Have you been to concerts 2 or more days in a row?

yeah! lmao in like 2007 or something i saw paramore on a tuesday and panic at the disco the next day or something. it was wild.

33. Have you ever received free tickets from a contest or an artist’s crew?

i’ve gotten in free to a silverstein show because i wrote an article about it.

34. Have you been front row and/or back row for a concert? 

i don’t really try to get to the front anymore. i like to dance too much and when you’re so far up you usually can’t move around.

35. Have you ever gotten sick, bruised, or broken a bone after a concert?

well, i got sick ON at a show. girl threw up her taco bell all over me. i sliced my knees up at warped tour during the first fuckin band of the day. i’ve been bruised billions of times lol. i also got a black eye once.

36. Have you ever had surprise guests at a concert you attended? 

we the kings played an all time low show by surprise once, 

37. Did you start listening to an opening act after you saw them in concert? 

at taste of chaos (i think) is the first time i heard blessthefall and they were the first band and i loved them so.

38. What’s the latest you’ve got home from a concert? 

idfk??

39. When is the earliest you’ve arrived to a venue for a concert?

we got to an all time low show like, two hours early once and i hated it because it was snowing and freezing but my friend brought stuffed fuckin shells so we ate real good.

40. Have you seen your favorite artist in concert? 

i’ve been lucky enough to see all of my favorite bands live

41. Longest you’ve waited in line for a concert? 

see above. two hours.

42. Have you ever attended a concert alone? 

often. usually. 

43. What’s the best part of a concert in your opinion? 

my favorite thing is when the singer stops singing and the crowd sings all of it UGH.

44. Have you ever heard/seen an artist soundcheck before their show? 

nah.

45. What’s the biggest venue you’ve been to a concert at? 

roger wilson stadium for one direction.

46. What’s the smallest venue you’ve been to a concert at? 

the loft in poughkeepsi. 

47. Have you ever had side stage seats? 

nah. not my thing.

48. Which venue have you been to the most concerts at? 

upstate concert hall (northern lights) in clifton park

49. Do you post a lot about a concert you’ve attended on social media or very little? 

i usually post that im there…and maybe a detail after.

50. Has a concert or tour you were planning on going to got cancelled? 

i actually don’t think so? thank you Jesus.

51. Have you seen a band in concert before a member left the band / they broke up? 

i saw avenged sevenfold with the the Rev.

52. Favorite song you’ve heard live? 

all of them. idk.

53. Have you ever seen an artist/band play an album in full?

Brand New played the devil and god, and Enter Shikari played take to the skies.

54. Which artist would you refuse to see in concert? 

idk? bands i don’t like? lol.

55. What’s the craziest thing a fan has done at a concert you’ve been to? 

idk. i could tell you about the one direction show but all that crazy happened before the show.

56. Which venue(s) would you love to go to for a concert? 

it would be neat to go to msg. 

57. Have you ever been to a concert at a venue that no longer exists? 

im not sure.

58. Have you ever lost something/got something stolen at a concert?

i lost socks the first time i saw brand new. my socks fucking came off and i lost them. 

59. Have people made fun of you or laughed because of how you were acting at a concert? 

no. lemme fight ya.

60. Have you ever been kicked out of a concert? 

no.

61. Has an artist thrown or spit water on you? 

yeah, stop.

62. Have you ever seen a security guard dance to a song at a concert? 

yeah.

63. Have you seen any acts you don’t like at a concert? 

sure.

64. Have you ever passed out or thrown up at a concert? 

nah. take care of yourself, kids!!!!

65. Have you seen any artists in concerts that you don’t like anymore?

probably.