iwritedisstracks-blog

[iwritedisstracks-blog]

my life is now so fucking boring. the most exciting part of my day is going to the gym and when i occasionally go to the grocery store. i go days without having face to face interaction with someone who wasn’t paid to talk to me. my life is painfully boring and pathetic right now. pATHtic. i am trying. i think my ass is slowly looking better though i guess. i went to a boxing class on accident. i actually enjoyed getting yelled at because at least someone was talking to me :-) the person im fucking told me they try to call me because they know im siting at home alone :-) that’s pretty pathetic! hahahahahhahahahahhahahahaha i have no friends left. the only people i genuinely want to hang out with here is:

my neighbor

i have a fun time with my geologist friend when i show up but i always have a bit of anxiety about seeing him because i think he has a crush on me and i feel like i always have to keep distance between us because of that so idk i dont even know if it counts because i still have a bit of anxiety

my therapist (but i mean she’s paid so i dont know if that counts)

the boy i’m fucking

yeah idk. i have like 2 maybe 3 other people who ask me to hang out but most of the time i just bail or whatever because i don’t really want to be around them. i wanted to hang out with my old roommate but she makes me feel guilty for not being there so it makes me want to be there even less but i guess i could’ve done a better job but i guess only care about it cuz i feel guilty so even then i didn’t really care i guess.

i have lost all my friends because they were all fucking jerks for their own unique and very fucked up reasons. maybe aside from one she is just weak. but the rest destroyed my social standing by spreading rumoes, stole hundreds of dollars from me, and generally used me to make themselves feel better. or to keep a roof over their heads. but either way shes still gone. but yeah im far better and healthier without them but the fucking mundane lonely boringness of my life is almost as bad as being in relationships that aren’t good for me. i listen to podcasts so i can better stomach the silence of my life. i hate living alone. but i can shit in peace as much as i want i guess.

i try to supplement this by internet communications with my friends in other places across the globe but this is just like....a small crack hit idk it makes me feel nice for maybbe an hour or the evening if im lucky, but eventually it’s back to the same day in and day out. when i try to talk to my friends about it its like yeah they get it cuz everyone is lonely but i dont think they like....*get* it. everyone around me at least has things occupying them even if they hate it. they have interests and passions and homework. i have homework too but i just dont care enough to do it. my passions include listening to podcasts and going to the gym. i like going to the gym beacuse i get to be around people. pathetic. 

im also too tired and have been burned too many times to try to make new friends. i hate my school and im old now. no one really is making friends with a last semester senior. im not interested in participating in school related events, i.e. i wont join a club to meet people. i stopped smoking weed so the void has just gotten even bigger, although i do think my decision to stop smoking was good. i tried to pick up drinking on a friday night but i even suck at that. im at a point where i resent netflix and i feel my soul drop ever so slightly, further into descension, building upon the depth of my emptiness every time i turn on the office. if i have to listen to michael gary scott fill my void any fucking more im going to lose it. this was once my depression show. now it is the show that makes me depressed. i feel like i rarely get any relief from these feelings now; it only comes if i have an uplifting conversation with one of my internet friends (thats how my friends feel now. like a series of 0s and 1s.) or right after i finish a workout, which is just a fake induced shot of dopeamine. it fades as soon as i remember i have to walk back home. i’m even posting into the void; no one will read this hahaha.

i am like a much healthier person and i am a lot better at setting boundaries and meaning it and doing what i need to do. i am better. i am a much better healthier person. but im fucking bored and im fucking lonely. 

i bought a midi keyboard with a beatpad to try to occupy my time. ive played with music for years so idk maybe this will at least occupy my time. i want to create something i want to feel like the space i take up is meaningful i have no friends AND i have no purpose. i can’t get a job because for the amount of time i have left here no one will hire me and im fucking sick and tired and above working minimum wage jobs. i am like hopeful about my future and i dont think it will be this way forever but it will at least be this way until september....and it’s only January :-/ i also have been trying to get into cooking more which i love when im doing it and shit but idk! i dont got the answers this shit fuckin whack

[iwritedisstracks-blog]

i really try not to be annoyed by the bhuddist proverbs i try so desperately to abide by, but i too feel like a mere siddarth. ugh. i have no god and i trust no bible but this is the closest and i must repent.

“To hold until full is not as good as stopping.

An oversharpened sword cannot last long.

A room filled with gold and jewels cannot be protected.

Boasting of wealth and virtue brings your demise.

After finishing the work, withdraw.

This is the Way of Heaven.”

[iwritedisstracks-blog]

idk man! idk idk idk... . .life is too existential right now. i feel like i live in a tiny cage and i sedate myself to get through this period in my life...i feel like its all my fault....and i always second guess myself. when does this end. i think i need to take my medication. 

i feel like i am on the edge of a thing. i dont know if its big or if its right or if its going to be life changing or just osmething that brings a small smile to my face but i feel like i’m on the edge of something. i have to be. fuck. im starting to believe in stupid shit like destiny.

im just doing to read the tao and write my favorite passages

[iwritedisstracks-blog]

my soul just feels like it hasnt been fed in years like its been trying but it hasnt been nourished but its been hanging on

[iwritedisstracks-blog]

things that make me feel nice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcgAU5hmzOQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LJb66aYtG8

[iwritedisstracks-blog]

something has changed and i dont know if its the medication  or just being sick of it all. another crack in who i am. i always reach out to someone and i havent reached out to anyone. dont think i will either. alone alone. not low low though? just low with nothing to do and no one to focus on. ppl always talk about focusing on urself and shit but i am good. i go to therapy. i try. i self reflect. i give school my best. im doing just fine. its less about me and just more about what i want and who i am and how that just doesnt always line up with the way people are and society is. thats all our burdens to bear tho. we’re all alone in that. i should feel lucky im fairly normal.

[iwritedisstracks-blog]

M o u n t a i n s

[iwritedisstracks-blog]

look.

im sorry. i dont mean to be dramatic

ive just been walking around this place like a fuckin asthmatic

every time i catch my breath i gotta run again 

im bikin im bikin this shit dont seem to end

maybe thats corny

and i cant believe i fucked a white guy

and i have no delusions that it gets better

ive known money i go to therapy i take my pills i smoke my weed

i know that the shit at the top isn’t really my goal either 

ive read buddah i see what that nigga says

end attachment to things and all suffering will end

but is that inhuman? i cant seem to do it

all of it feels like coldhearted bullshit 

how do you find your thing when youve already had it all

purposeless bitch with a whole lotta fuckin balls

im here to make friends and fall in love with my enemies

i really hope at the end of the day a kinda ugly boy will run away with me

i did it! i ended my attachment 

i dont care im broken run away u fuckin dipshits

[iwritedisstracks-blog]

Boston Massacre

all you fake ass bitches writing texts behind my back

subbing me in group messages talking out your asscrack

im tired

fuck all your bullshit fuck you and that little dog too

but i guess that's how you can act when hillary will always pull up for you

i'm angry

tired from all the disrespect and hate

i dont understand what i did to deserve this fuckin fate

i'm swingin

can't keep the boy down even tho she been quiet

yeah i met your moms too and she got a real weird diet

i'm like your moms diet -- ain't nothin sweet

i know that you didn't take showers

you lickin your girls stank pussy

when i knew you you was eatin meat

no lowry's on your food

but you eatin ya girl's seasoned meat

and i didn't forget about your friend too

sombrero wearing indian always fighting with her latest boo

your use of fancy words dont impress me

we got into the same university  

watch how you address me

using neoliberal shenanigans to mess with me and all my friends

but at the end of the day.....

youre in that trump demographic.

college educated, small ass, white trash and problematic

and you.

showing me off to your friends.

gay as fuck ass nigga ain't even good at pretend

i know what you do behind closed doors

getting on your knees like you giving it up to the lord

scooby dooby doo where the fuck are you?

feelin like i just ripped the mask off

wishin you had got away with it --

i was just meddlin and got my ass caught

up

yeah nigga now im up on you

yeah you hurt my feelings but rest assured i'll hurt yours too

grannycam grannycam fatcam too

i know your secrets you filthy fucking bitch

i dont even care if that rhymed.

stuck a finger in your ass youre my bitch i made you cry

you nutted from that shit and you liked it too

made you eat my ass even tho you said it wasn't for you

sure -- yeah you fuck real good

broke nigga syndrome

fuckin me with a crooked wood

Checking for payday advances and you can't get it approved//

no matter how hard you try that  547 is followin you//

Even little kids can see your

ghosts and that makes you afraid//

I’m not the girl to be played//

I’m your mommy, putting you to rest in that bed that you made//

You in debt. you a slave//

going broke being supreme still not catching the wave//

instead you catching a fade, outside of your apartment...

get the fuck to work and pay these girls what you owe them

for they take your ass all the way to the fuckin police department

im sure you’re angry you’re seething you prolly figured it out

i went through your ipad while you were getting punched out

((again))