#when i say 'it is abt abuse' i mean that was the main point she was trying to drive purposefully etc

[rollercoasterwords]

one and seven for the ask game!! 🫶🏼🫶🏼

hi lia <3 <3

Have you pulled inspiration from media sources other than the property your fic is related to (a plot point from a TV show that has nothing to do with the characters/setting of the fic, a line from a book, etc.)? If so, for which story? Why did you find that media source compelling?

absolutely yes! i mean fic in particular is extremely derivative but honestly all writing is derivative...i am always pulling inspiration from other stories i've loved which have stuck w me <3 gonna focus on wfrau in particular just to avoid this answer getting too long + bc that's what i've been writing most recently but. i've pulled inspiration from the animorphs series bc there are lots of fun ethical dilemmas brought up throughout that stuck w me after reading it; a particular scene from the anime 'banana fish' influenced james's story, though i can't say much more abt that without risking spoilers for the anime...if you've seen it you'll probably know which scene it influence tho lol. the crypt ch was influenced by book 4 of the fablehaven series which i read growing up as a kid--i loved book 4 bc it involved the main characters going on a mission into this underground treasure vault and having to fight past different traps to deeper down...so fun <3 the idea to write a werewolf fighting ring au in the first place came from me remembering a book i'd read as a kid called 'the abused werewolf rescue group,' though i couldn't actually tell you anything abt the plot anymore...and i'm sure there are a thousand other bits & pieces of media that have been floating around in my brain as i've written but those r the main ones coming to mind rn!

7. Share a line or paragraph you’ve written that you don’t think will ever actually be posted in anything! (Or, if you don’t hoard cut sentences and passages like I do, share anything you want that has yet to see the light of day!)

ugh see i really should save my writing better...generally w the way i write i'm not usually cutting entire scenes but it has happened once or twice & i've just. deleted it...

i can share a snippet of a pandalily time war au that i wrote about 2 pages of like 2 years ago but don't think i'll ever return to/complete so it will likely never see the light of day...here u go:

The low chatter—that is something that does not change. Gather enough people into a room, call it a party, close your eyes and it could be 1992 in Los Angeles or 761 in Koumbi Saleh or 1674 in Beijing. Humans will buzz like insects no matter what time you put them in, forever and ever and ever. Sometimes Lily wishes that they still existed; she scrubs the thought from her hard drive before her programming reads it as a virus. Humans do exist, forever. One only has to choose the right time.

This time, she is drinking wine. She is wandering through bodies, smiling and feeling the way it shapes her face. She steps past the marble columns, onto the terrace, under the moonlight that kisses her eyelids so gently when she closes them. She can feel the light, you know. That’s something she can do.

“Red suits you.”

The person beside her is a woman, today, or something like it. She wears the same clothing, white sweep of cloth, though she’s never quite able to get the same softness. It drapes willowy, slow-moving, with fingers that gnarl like roots.

“I’m too tired to kill you tonight,” Lily says, biting through the Latin with her canines like rich meat. “Go somewhere else.”

The woman smiles, slow and creeping, a lichen on the bark of a tree.

“Another place?”

“Another time.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“I like the wine.”

She isn’t drinking any. She watches the cup in Lily’s hands. When Lily takes a sip, the woman’s tongue darts out to wet her lips, pink and human.

“They have wine later,” Lily tells her, “And before.”

“Not like here,” the woman says, “Not like tonight.”

“Tonight?”

“Tonight.”

“And what makes it different tonight?”

The woman smiles. She is standing so very close. “That’s what I’m trying to figure out.”

fic writer ask game

[simpel-is]

im insane for moonlight

this rlly is jsut me ranting so spoilers for the film pls guys watch it its so fucking good i swear ITS SOOO GOOD GUH oh and there's gonna be mentions of stuff like homophobia, sexism, bullying, ect but its bc i saw a review on the movie moonlight (2016) saying abt how female representation only amounts to 2 female characters playing stereotypes, and how chiron's queerness wasn't properly explored bc contradictions and shit like how chiron was bullied for being gay without him ever explicitly coming out like

okay

1. this movie is LITERALLY about a black man struggling with his masculine identity bc of his culture and his environment, no SHIT it only focuses on the older more parental female figures in his life

2. his mother and teresa weren't stereotypes at all??? his mother struggles being a single mom and turns to drugs as a way to cope and ends up abusing her son which yeah absolutely tragic but the movie makes a point to say she still does care abt her son even when she doesn't show it when needed (literally her forgiveness scene hello??)

and teresa is the motherly figure in this case yes but its almost nice how her char is subverted in the sense she's not blood related but still cares for chiron like her own which is very neat !! also she has more of a noticable impact on chiron during his teenage years and letting him feel a sense of self and freedom whenever he stays over imo those are two very well written female characters

(will say teresa could've had more depth but yk)

3. queerness and weakness are viewed to be the same in hypermasculine cultures idk how u couldnt get that one tbh

he gets bullied bc people around him expect him to be a more masculine more tough ver of who he is now, devaluing his innate character

honestly i get why people would watch moonlight and view it as a "queer film" but at the core queerness isn't its main focus, it's how black kids deal and cope with their masculinity in a toxic environment. chiron's queerness is only a fraction of what makes up his issues with his masculinity, but because of how being queer is used as an insult when he gets bullied and abuse, that ending scene just hits harder like that bc he finally lets go of his tough exterior, and admits to his queerness as a substitute/symbol for what he truly means, which is him wanting to shed his hypermasculine image for a more vulnerable one with kevin and its just GAHHHHH

[hhighkey]

i will say after reading the acotar trilogy and getting to the mess of book 4/5…. and then being removed and seeing ppl talk abt SJM shit writing … IC sucks. rhysand sucks. cass sucks. mor sucks. azriel sucks. i mean fuck having elain and nesta included at the end of 2 ruined it for me. but they’re all abusive manipulative adults who need severe therapy. tamlin never shoulda teamed up w hybern but he had every right to do what he did. rhys a known damaeti… why would u believe an illiterate feyre could write u a goodbye letter. rhys is nothing but a grandstanding mayor of velaris when SJM writes him as a “good character with a mask” that is a LIE based off how he treats his people. his character would be better literary wise if he wasn’t portrayed as perfect when the mask is stripped for feyre. and let’s just take the main characters bodily autonomy away!!! feyre needed time to fucking breathe not date two men almost marry one and then marry another by 20. watched her dad die. fought a damn worm. fought in a war. yet she’s a strong girl boss?? who knows exactly how to strategize and play people?? when other fae had to fight and spy and shit for centuries she’s just perfect? okay. and now she’s having a kid?? i can’t even finish acosf and i won’t read whatever acotar books come out later but will keep up. anyways hope im not the only one

i’m at the point where i fucking hate acotar with a passion and despise the IC and seeing tik toks on it piss me off (don’t get me started on nesta but rhys as a whole is EW. and azriel would def be the type to cheat on his mate bc grass is greener! /s)… but i love lucien and eris (praying tamlin gets his healing arc) with passion. i WANT eris … and i keep getting more passionate about it and all the writing plot holes and character regressions since i eat up everything eris and have been slowly writing for him … i haven’t been able to get eris out of my mind for months and it infuriates me bc he’s too good for acotar

ALSO sjm pls have feyre leave rhys’s ass. you’d redeem urself as an author to me (but not as a person)

[sofloodmelikeatlantic]

*jazz music stops* :0 tell me about what you're working on :0

omfg omfg AHHHHH

OK GOD

shit uhm

so we got the main character her name is Samirah (Sam) and shes a little bit disoriented- she has this breakdown feeling she calls Falling

we start in her room and shes talking about how there are so many things people say that just dont matter, or can kill someone, and she starts talking abt the thoughts she has and how her girlfriend has quieted them.

her girlfriend is Olivia, a pretty blonde girly i love her

anyway she starts imagining Olivia's voice syaing "i love you" and she looks up and BOOM shes in a sunny field with olivia,

she talks about how it doesnt feel real and there is kisding its very cute

cut to nightime, its raining and sam os standing in it

olivia shows up and tries to get sam to come home but she breaks free and starts 'falling', spinning in the rain until she collapses

olivia confronts her in her bedroom and sam breaks down again, complete sobbing

cut to another memory with her friend peter

peter has his own issues and deals with self harm

he asks about falling and sam tells him. he tells her he wants to fall, but she gets angry and leaves

we fast forward- sam enters peter's home and she hears the bathroom faucet dripping

she goes to turn it off but is met with dead peter, suicide

she brings him to the hospital and where hes pronounced dead, sam says she knows the meaning of 'dead weight'

yeah cut to sam in the tree with olivia, theyre reading The Hobbit together and just being all cute,

it starts raining and sam looks up and the sky is dark, shes standing on the front porch on the phone with olivia's mum

olivia is dead

car crash

sam completely breaks down and confronts the reader, she claims its her fault that theyre dead

she tries to kill herself (scene after a whole thing about being in a mental hospital, i don't quite remember the details)

shes kinda high during this part and my fav line from it os "im just a little bobble head"

cut scene shes talking with the therapist and girlie asks why she tried to kill herself, sam talks to herself and starts hallucinating and violently acts out

shes subdued and while shes sedated shes giving groggy thoughts and slight hints to her backstory,

about this point she starts rhyming her words, turning everything into a song or a poem,

when she comes to shes sitting in group and sees the largest patient hovering over who she calls the girl with black hair

she takes her hand and leaves eitj the girl

there she finds she csnt speak, saying her words are hiding

the girl is teddy, an abuse victim who maimed her abuser and tried to kill herself,

sam gets frustrated that she cant talk and starts having an episode, until she winds up literally convulsing om the floor,

nd yeah thats where im at rn 👍

i have some excerpts on my blog from it if you wanna take a look 💕💕

[kudzucataclysm]

i'm very new here, would it be okay to ask of you to infodump about "dez"? they seem very blorbo material and i'm curious :3 (if not i'll totes understand if you wanna keep things hush-hush due to spoilers lol)

OFC ILL INFODUMP ABT DEZ DEAR ANON HE'S MY BOY

his names Desmond O. Arkady and he’s the main protag of SE and is…tbh the only normal person out of the entire cast. he’s just a normal superpower-less kid who gets involved in world altering events on accident becuz everyone else is mean to him and likes using him cuz he craves validation and can’t say no :( unfortunately for all the ppl who like pushing him around, he’s got extremely serious, repressed anger issues (due to his dad's emotional/verbal abuse and his mom abandoning the family) and is eventually pushed beyond his breaking point which at some point involves making a nuclear bomb so. good work guys-

he’s also super fucking smart and loves everything to do with science even tho he isn’t too good at math. he excels at biology and chemistry and likes to take home dead animals to cut open and look at. he also practices necromancy- he’s a distinguished little victor frankenstein just. one who doesn’t steal dead bodies v-v he particularly likes reviving dead cats (one of which becomes a supporting character at a later point) but other than natural sciences he's pretty adept at taking things apart and putting them back together. he can look at a radio and know exactly how it works and what the components are that make it function. he also loves fun facts and will randomly drop them on people, especially morbid ones that he finds 'funny and interesting' but isnt to others :( so while he's pretty intelligent he doesnt do well socially which resulted in him being bullied VERY badly when he was younger but he tries to take everything in stride....even tho he almost drowned once becuz of it and one other time almost beat someone unconscious during one of his 'rage blackouts' (he definitely fucking cried for like 3 days straight after that even tho he doesnt rmm)

while relatively normal he’s related to like, arguably the most powerful person in the world which is something he’s super unaware of. he’s the heir to a shit ton of scientific endeavors and intended future owner of ALL ANDROIDS. but again he’s unaware of this so when “certain things” tend to happen to him or around him he just tends to brush it off and doesn’t think it concerns him. the person who he’s related to, Lupe, is struggling to get into contact with him cuz 10 years ago she astral projected so hard she caused her subconscious (i’m not explaining) to time travel so. she’s just been in a coma for a long while annnnd she very much might never wake up again so OH WELL looks like her TRILLION DOLLAR FORTUNE is just in fucking limbo for now >:/

hmm what else..very much a people pleaser, he's got this really weird inclination to freak the fuck out if he thinks people don't like him- he also ignores a lot of his feelings?? like if he feels anything intense other than happiness he's prone to crying fits and throwing up which his bodyguard francis thinks is INSANE and STUPID. despite ppl treating him like shit he's genuinely a very hopeful person and loves the world and everything that takes up space in it. like he tries to and does see the good in everything and while the events of the story kinda wear down on him he ultimately doesn't think humanity or Martiankind deserves pain and/or suffering; he persistently keeps a strong sense of justice/morality and thinks that anyone or anything is ultimately capable of good.

hrrrrm thats all i can seem to say off the top of my head for now...anyway yeah he's literally the best :3 like out of the entire cast of SE he's definitely the guy the root for imo v-v

waaaa but tysm for the q

[leslie057]

re: the writing ask, 7 and 14!

hi! thank you for the ask ❤️

7 - what character do you enjoy writing most and why?

already answered

14 - what is your favorite relationship featured in your fic aside from the main couple?

cant figure out how i should interpret this question lol. like my favorite couple or just any pair of characters?

if nonromantic st pair, i’ve enjoyed playing with nancy and mike a lot lately. though outside of my wips, i havent yet gone into depth with them the way that i want (its mostly just been like; little brother disgust; eldest daughter rage; lets mix these two ingredients; we get fun sibling rivalry) but yeah i think deep down there is this flicker of softness between the two of them, a weird sense of understanding. i dunno.

if romantic st pair…honestly joyce and lonnie? but again im not sure how to interpret the question, maybe im mistaken on what its asking. because yes i think they are my second favorite relationship to write but its certainly not my (or anyone’s) ship to ship. obviously. you know? i like to try and get into the joyce and lonnie stuff because i enjoy parsing out Past Joyce. not to say that that girl is gone completely but i dont know, i find it easy to write about her victimhood and the way she would have naturally been more susceptible when younger. more surprised. and powerless. she definitely fell on denial to cope with the abuse and thats sad but i guess i like writing about it anyways. however i can only think of a couple things i’ve published that really center on this (this flashback chapter of a fic i kinda quit and this oneshot with her feelings abt the pregnancy).

but yeah i might have not answered that quite right? to clarify my second favorite ship in the show in general is lucas and max but i’ve always ran into trouble trying to write about the kids or show their point of view. so when i say joyce and lonnie is my favorite, i mean out of what i have written, and i only mean that its interesting to explore joyce in that way. like to reiterate, i dont find their relationship’s toxicity “exciting” or anything. i will shut up now i think you know what i mean!

thanks so much again! so good to see you in my inbox :)

send me a fic ask

[tulpafcker]

playing life is strange (warning: i do not like life is strange) and uhhhhhhhh if u think about it, victoria n nathan in the alt timeline are lowkey better friends than (main timeline) chloe is? like max spaces out n just leaves and victoria texts her asking if shes ok and that her and nathan are worried about her. even when victoria thinks max is mad at her, she doesnt act accusatorily towards her and just says her door is open whenever. all chloe does is bitch at us!! we saved her life twice!!! i wanna stay in the alt timeline 😭

also as a resident cripple i lowkey resent chloe not only being disabled in the alt timeline but being As Disabled As The Devs Could Make Her And Also She's Dying. like i get that irl these things happen but this ISNT irl, this is a Bideo Game and someone had to deliberatley write that in for maximum amount of Sympathy Points And Guilt Tripping

i lowkey think it would be a way cooler game if max just had the one random time ability to go back and save william and now shes STUCK in this alternate timeline where shes besties w the people who hated her before and her best friend is disabled and now she has to navigate this new foreign world and the ramifications of her actions

also missed oppurtunity not making chloes power chair blue. also its mid wheel drive which isnt an issue, BUT if it were front wheel drive thered be enough room in the back so max could ride on it. ALSO also high end power chairs have a max speed of 6mph, which is a LOT for a chair, its like if you were sprinting. imagine chloe telling max to climb on and crank it to max speed as they zoom down the street. it would be SO in-line w her personality its insane they missed this oppurtinity. cripples CAN have fun yaknow!!! i go cruising in my chair all the time!!! like imagine u and chloe decking her chair out w stickers and cool diy punky seat cushions and her being grateful that max is just chilling w her and now that her chair reflects her personality she feels a lot better about being in it and her accident and all that! it wouldve been So Fun

also i wonder what would happen if max opened up to the vortex club abt chloe and her situation. like would vicky and/or nathan give her some money to give to chloe?? i had the idea that we could ask nathan to ask his parents abt the prescott foundation maybe helping chloe out but nathan isnt rly on the Best Terms w his, uh, blatantly abusive father. so maybe not that. hell maybe if max brings it up, nathan would try to ask ANYWAY and itd show a side of him to max that she never saw in the main timeline. like, a deconstruction of the "cliquy mean girl bully troupe" thing!! if u snoop in alt!max's texts, u can see that she was with taylor in the hospital when her mom got injured and was really good emotional support! so its like... these people would Get It, i think. i want a game where irs max + the vortexes + chloe hanging out bc like, they mustve known OF her bc iirc in the alt timeline chloe had to drop out bc of lack of accessibility at blackwell. i bet it- and the accident- wouldve been big news in arcadia bay so like i bet natey P would be able to like, convince his parents that itd be REALLY good for their image if they helped out. and also raise hell at blackwell bc like does the ADA not exist in this alt world??? let the rich boy use his rich belligerence as a force of good. let taylor and chloe bond. let chloe have a group of actually GOOD friends that dont abandon her bc of her disability. like mannnn imagine joyce Side Eyeing nathan bc she thinks he's Bad News but chloe looks SO happy to have friends and he DID convince his parents to help the prices out..... and u as max can convince her that hes not that bad

and yes theres still the "what happened to rachel" angle and if ur close enough to him nathan will Tell You or have a breakdown that tells u what happened but in the form of a riddle. and its ur choice to immidiatley blame nathan despite the growing friendship OR trust that this side of him is genuine and look deeper into the matter and find the REAL threat behind all of it

like. im just spitballing. but this sounds spitBALLER ayooooooo

[aerltarg]

honestly fuck every “dany doesn't have any idea what courtesy means” or “dany just The Angry TeenagerTM” bullshit. these ppl literally have never read any of her chapters.

just look how many times kraznys mo nakloz insulted her, while she actually understood him, but did she lose her temper? did she throw a temper tantrum bc she wasn't getting any respect, let's alone the one fit for a queen she is? did she forget her purpose bc of any of that?

just tell me how many characters in this series would be able to keep a straight face hearing such insults directed at them.

but when did dany come close to losing it?

as one of the quotes above shows, when kraznys started to harm others, the unsullied in front of them, “it was hard to pretend not to understand”.

and even more so there:

some characters in these books can't master a single drop of sympathy when ppl are dying in front of them but dany gets so angry and sick after hearing all of this that she started to feel faint. long dead infants whom she never met, long dead dogs she never saw, and yet she almost dropped her play after just hearing abt them and carried these feelings towards the very end of the chapter, after many hours since she left kraznys.

it's the first chapter where we actually get to meet the slaver's bay and the real face of slavery. and grrm went out of his way to show us how ugly it is w every single detail. the main representative of slavers there is kraznys and the man managed to insult literally everyone around him almost w his every breath, revealed himself as not only incredibly cruel slaver but also a misogynistic piece of shit at that.

in these quotes i also highlighted some passages, like kraznys laughing at dany for showing kindness and compassion and openly despising her for this as well as talking without blinking abt men being sold “for less than the price of their swords”, abt many atrocities done to unsullied, abt forcing them to murder infants in front of their mothers, calling incitement of a bear on three little boys w non-existent intention to allow any of them survive “a nice folly”, etc.

and i dare anyone to look me in the eye and say that “slavery is complicated”, “it's a part of their culture” or “grrm doesn't write slavery as clearly evil and deserved to be destroyed practice”. i dare you to try and say that kraznys didn't deserve to die, that dany is wrong for killing him, that dany is mad for doing so, that we aren't supposed to cheer for her, that she isn't a hero for that and freeing unsullied and the whole anti slavery campaign.

i can't imagine how anyone can read these books and come to the conclusion that “slavers are innocent” LMFAO

btw, a child murder is portrayed as one of the biggest sins and the worst crimes possible (if not the biggest and the worse) by the narrative all the time. so grrm filling the very first chapter we spent in the slaver's bay w the great variety of violence, abuse and horrible deaths of children inflicted by slavers is NOT setting up slavery as “complex issue”.

it was pointed out again and again but i will repeat once more. grrm doesn't give the purely evil monsters any redeeming qualities in his books. not a drop of greyness. it should be obvious enough already. and yet fandom doesn't have problems for acknowledging this w gregor clegane or boltons. but when it comes to dany? suddenly it's “why wouldn't anyone think abt poor slavers” and “but what abt the economy” or “it's their cUlTuRe” lmao

i also would like to point out a really tiny but curious detail that probably isn't a thing put there w a purpose from grrm. though, maybe it is... but anyway, this chapter is Daenerys II, ASOS, that that comes after Arya IV, where we have gendry talking abt thoros of myr, how he used to bargain w a blacksmith over a price of his swords (“slave swordsmen can be had for less than the price of their swords”, remember?), and Bran II is the chapter that comes after Daenerys II where we have the line “Some people hurt others just because they can” in the context of winterfell being taken by ramsay and boltons' men w the great unnecessary violence, e.g. murdering all the ppl living in the castle.

tldr; you need to open just one (1) random chapter to see what a nonsense bullshit antis invent in their obsessive attempts to hate on dany. 1) dany is very smart, perfectly knows what courtesy and self-control is, but also is a very kind and compassionate person w a strong sense of justice who can let any insults against her personally slide but gets infuriated when meets injustice and violence against others, esp innocent and defenceless ones like children. 2) dany is the hero we are supposed to root for in her fight against slavery just like we are supposed to root for jon when he decided to march against boltons or even for oberyn when he fought gregor clegane demanding justice for elia. dany is quite different from these men, though, bc she fights not over any personal reason but for the greater good, for many ppl she doesn't even know. bc slavery IS evil and it's needed to disappear, full stop. the “slavery is complex”/“some slavers are innocent” narrative is nowhere to be seen.

[a-broader--sensibility]

hi, I was wondering if u could explain "being sexualized" vs "expressing sexuality" bc tiny clothes (so men can look at u), songs abt abuse=cool etc are sexualizing and seem slimy but at what point is it women "feeling sexy" and not being pushed into it for others benefit, idk if this makes sense

This is a great question, and I’m sorry I’m so late to respond. Before I answer, please keep in mind that this is the opinion of one person on the internet and you should consider many perspectives before making up your own mind.

I want to reverse your question a bit and begin with the idea of “expressing sexuality” rather than “being sexualized.” Plenty of ink has been spilled on the topic of objectifying women, so I want to discuss this idea that there is a way of expressing your own personal sexuality via clothing in a way that is empowering. Frankly, given that sexual desire is usually about desiring other people (besides yourself, unless you’re a narcissist), it doesn’t really make sense to think that the clothing you yourself wear can express your sexual desires. As a straight woman, I definitely find certain types of clothing on men attractive, but what I myself wear has no bearing on how attracted I am to a given man. If I were to wear lingerie, that wouldn’t affect my desire for another person. I am not attracted to myself. 

Some women have expressed that wearing sexy clothing or lingerie makes them “feel sexy.” I would counter that feeling sexy means feeling that you are sexually attractive to others—i.e. pleasing to other people, not yourself. Feel sexual =/= feeling “sexy.” Sexual feelings (arousal, desire, etc.) are about your desire to engage in sexual activities either with a partner or alone, whereas feeling sexy or beautiful is a type of confidence about how much your appearance pleases other people. It is possible to feel beautiful or desirable to others without feeling any arousal at all. Similarly, it is possible to feel arousal in a private setting where you aren’t even thinking about how you appear to other people (for example, while masturbating.)

It is true that many men are especially turned on by skimpy clothes or lingerie, but we also know that sexuality is extremely diverse and complicated. The notion that lingerie or short shorts makes you sexy is predicated on the presumption that most people (let’s be honest—most men) are turned on by the same narrow set of Western commercial beauty ideals. My experience of dating—however narrow—has been that even “straight cis” men are actually attracted to a variety of body types, types of clothing, and choices to wear or not wear makeup. No matter how you are dressed right this instant, someone out there would probably find you irresistible and someone else would find you hideous. It depends on who you ask.

A lot of women mistake being desired with experiencing arousal. Kristen Roupenian really explored this notion in her short story Cat Person. Here’s a quote taken from a sex scene where the main character, Margot, has sex with an older man she has earlier admitted to finding a bit disgusting and unattractive:

“As they kissed, she found herself carried away by a fantasy of such pure ego that she could hardly admit even to herself that she was having it. Look at this beautiful girl, she imagined him thinking. She’s so perfect, her body is perfect, everything about her is perfect, she’s only twenty years old, her skin is flawless, I want her so badly, I want her more than I’ve ever wanted anyone else, I want her so bad I might die.

The more she imagined his arousal, the more turned-on she got...”

I’m not judging anyone who makes this mistake, because it’s super normal for women—almost universal. We are so programmed to believe that other people’s desire for our bodies is our own sexual desire that we feel defensive when feminists point out that crop tops, mini-bras, corsets and the like are schmattes. They are garments sold by Hot Topic and Victoria’s Secret and whoever else. They’re fabric. Your sexuality is your body, your physiological response to complex scenarios that are personal to you, and they cannot be purchased for $19.99 at a mall. Clothing doesn’t make you sexually aroused, but it can make you more sexually appealing to others. 

If we say that Billie Eilish wearing a corset in Vogue is an expression of her sexuality, then what does that mean about Billie? Is she sexually attracted to her own body, like an extreme narcissist? Was she meant to be have been sexually aroused during the photo shoot (a professional event, a workplace environment, surrounded by probably 20+ photographers, assistants, aides, stylists, cateres, etc.)? Are we to understand that the desire that anonymous male viewers of her images feel for Billie is the same as Billie Eilish’s own desires? I know your question wasn’t about Billie, but I feel it’s relevant.

Anyways, I hope this was useful to you. I know this was a wordy response, but I felt the need to clarify exactly what I meant. I’m not against female sexuality, but sexuality is desire and arousal—not pride in one’s appearance.

[straighttohellbuddy]

I AM FOAMING AT THE MOUTH AND ABSOLUTELY YELLING TO THE HIGH HEAVENS OVER PART THREE BECAUSE !!!!!! god the single paragraph when he told reader abt her talking in her sleep had me fucking SCREAMING. you both broke my heart and fixed it and the way the poems scattered through it and i. just !!!!!!!! love you so much!!!! -🐈‍⬛

but you're talking in your sleep masterpost for context

Okay when I get the chance I'm definitely going to be going through my inbox like mad and responding to all the incredibly kind and lovely comments I've got about this fic that makes me STILL happy stim, but I'm using your ask to talk about things in the fic that I've wanted to so bad!!!!

I moved the point of them both bring fully aware that they're in love with each other like 8 separate times!!!!

The Brighton trip was a big one, the kiss goodbye was the first moment I was like "too soon"

It was less explicit, but they both kind of Knew in the moment where I wrote Wilbur just not knowing what to do and admitting to Tommy first, and Tommy being delighted but also yelling "YOURE FUCKED" at the top of his lungs because he's well aware it's an attrocious situation.

Two separate phonecalls had moments; 1) after the fight about Wilbur's name in her phone, he asks what he means to her. In the final fic she deflects and they're both unhappy, but there was definitely a draft where "You mean fucking everything to me, Wilbur, that's the problem!" Is shouted in tears.

2) after the phonecall about Sex Sells, Wilbur quietly says he wishes he had a third option (between what's easy and what's right) for the Reader, and upon hearing him being so sincere, the reader realises and immediately blurts out that she's realised that she's Properly In Love With Him.... but it wasn't the right time.

I REWROTE THE FULL CONFESSION SCENE LIKE THREE TIMES

1. Wilbur reads the poem at thr train station and it hits him that the reader loves him, but I didn't know where to go from there so I scrapped it.

2. Wilbur had not read the poem, so the reader recites it in the car and it finally dawns on him how long she's been trying to tell him she loves him. But it was very weepy, and yes there's crying in the fic version but I like the fic version better because

3. He reads the poem at the train station, but instead of it being all at once, he struggles with how to bring it up, because now it's literally just unspoken because you're terrified to voice your true feelings, and the moment you voice that you're self aware about trying to hide your truth in other people's words, he jumps at the chance to speak your language, and to show that he finally understands how to communicate with you in a way that makes you feel understood and safe, in a way that noone else really has. So the poem becomes a duet and he adds a line of his own context to say "I know how long you've been trying to tell me this but I promise I won't make you wait that long ever again". The poem in the car makes me eat DIRT /POS!!!

I apologise if it felt like I was just forcing miscommunication for the sake of extending thr plot, but I really think, given the reader's experiences in the fic, and how she was shaped by them, I think it had to happen this way. I think the reader admitting during the confession in the car “I didn’t know I could call this love,”  really kind of highlights that it could only have happened this way.

Okay, under the cut is a deep dive into the reader, including discussing their abusive relationship with Mark and how it effected them in far more detail than the fic goes into. Just as a warning. Also it's so long, so many thoughts. This is like... just a part of my directors commentary for this fic I'm so sorry!!

And there's a few reasons that I made Wilbur the POV character, the main one being that there's a kind of voyeuristic pleasure of understanding why someone falls in love with you, and knowing exactly what they think about you and why they continue to love you. Understanding what he chooses to focus on, the way he thinks about the reader, while you yourself are also the reader, at least for me, and kind of what I wanted to impart, was less Mortifying and more the Sublime ordeal of being known. To feel seen and loved even when you're going through what feels like hell. Idk man.

But also because I thought it would be less confronting to have an outsider perspective on the reader's toxic relationship. There's enough implied that Wilbur can see why the reader is hesitant and fragile, and why she clings so strongly to him even to the point of lying about their friendship, but it's not until he hears the recording of Mark and Reader's final fight that he is confronted with the explicit and horrifying reality of what she'd been living with. And even that fight echoes in the reader even if she doesn't want it to. Mark telling the reader "you don't know how to love [Wilbur]" so clearly haunts her, even after they get together; Mark knew exactly how to make her doubt herself, which makes my blood boil because its such a simple sentence that pretty much directly implies that he knows he's been manipulating her and treating her like shit, but in a way that still makes her feel like the villain in her own life going forward!! she feels safe with Wilbur but there's so much doubt because of Mark, so she's constantly making sure that being in a relationship is meant to feel good (which breaks my heart why did I write her like this 😭😭😭)

Okay im going to do a big ole talk about the song that makes me WEEP about the reader finally getting free of Mark, and that's Happier Than Ever

Because the first half of the song is her trying to come to terms with the fact that she'd spent YEARS OF HER LIFE with him because he was good to her at first in a way that not a lot of people had been in her life, but the second half rips my fucking heart out

Because between line "you made me hate this city" and Tommy telling Wilbur “Man, she called me bloody well crying the day she found out he’d moved to London after her,” and the reader repeatedly referencing Jubilee Line, and then this whole flashback moment which makes me go MCFUCKING FERAL

“I didn’t pick London for the school, I picked it because it was…” you trailed off, and he watches you scrunch up your whole face as you choose to not finish that particular thought. But you steel yourself, taking a deep breath and smiling bright, bright enough that it’s obviously forced, and you finally look up; when you meet Wilbur’s gaze, you seem almost startled, you hadn’t realised he’d actually been watching you.

“It’s a good school, though, I’m glad I got in, and Mark, he’s- he’s really sweet. It’s brave of him to move, even though I’m on campus and he’s not; none of his family’s lived outside of Nottingham for generations,” the face you’re making is close to a smile, to anyone else they might mistake it as such, but there’s a wrinkle in the bridge of your nose, a tightness at the edge of your smile, “he’s training to go into the same line of work as his dad, he’s just glad he can do it here,” you laugh, but there’s no humour in it. The sky was slate grey, a chill in the air that wasn’t there the day before, and you’d found out a few days ago that your - former ex - boyfriend Mark had found a place in town. You say that he’s good to you, but then you use the word persistent, but it hadn’t quite sounded like a compliment.

it's one of the first things I wrote in this whole fic.

EVERYTHING ABOUT WHERE THE READER LIVES MAKES ME FUCKING CRY

Because she literally just moved because uni was literally the only excuse her parents wouldn't judge her for wanting to break up with Mark for, because it's clear she hates being away from Tommy and her family when they're not believe Mark's lies, and she's SO EXCITED to be able to move back home again and do her classes online and spend time with her brother when she's free of Mark!!! IM WEEPING!!!

And I just!! Back to song!!!

And I don't talk shit about you on the internet

Never told anyone anything bad

'Cause that shit's embarrassing, you were my everything

And all that you did was make me fucking sad

SHE REALLY DID THINK SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH MARK FOR YEARS BECAUSE SHE DIDNT HAVE ANY IDEA THAT THERE WAS AN ALTERNATIVE, BECAUSE SHE ONLY SPENT 6 WEEKS WITH WILBUR INJTIALLY AFTER YEARS OF TOXICITY, SO SHE DIDNT UNDERSTAND IT WAS OKAY TO LIKE THE PERSON YOU LOVE, AND MARK WAS MANIPULATING HER TO GET HER BACK IN LONDON, SO MEETING WILBUR AGAIN WAS LITERALLY THE CATALYST FOR HER REALISING THAT MARK WAS ABUSIVE AND TOXIC AND POSSESSIVE AND THAT HE SAW HER AS AN OBJECT NOT A PERSON

but the reader still takes the high road, and literally never mentions mark on the internet because she knows it'll only fuel his petty, obsessive bullshit.

And now, the line of the song that I misheard which is part of the reason I started associating it so heavily with this reader, and it legit brought me to tears, which i heard as "Never paid any mind to my brother or friends, so I / shut 'em all out for you 'cause I was a kid" !!!!!

It's the frog getting slowly boiled metaphor; Mark was good to her in a way that she misconstrued to be love, and she clung desperately to him even as he started to be cruel to her, and sew the seeds of doubt in her mind about how she shouldn't need anyone else if she had him, and that no-one else would ever love her because of who she was. BUT TOMMY MENTIONS THAT SHE WAS "around his age" WHEN SHE AND MARK GOT TOGETHER, WHEN THE READER WAS GETTING IN TROUBLE WITH THE LAW -- SHE WAS 16-17!! SHE WAS A CHILD!!! im sad.

However, on a slightly lighter but related note, I can tell you the reason the reader was being reckless as a youth (sad), why she continued to be reckless around Wilbur (less sad) and why that's the exact reason why she first fell in love with him but didn't realise it (sweet)

The delinquent behaviour in the reader's youth was done because after accidentally doing something a little dangerous and getting herself hurt/in trouble, her parents reacted with concern, of course, but she realised that their concern was belied by the worry that they'd look like bad parents, even if they never said it out loud. The reader continued to do dangerous things and getting hurt and in trouble as a teenager because she desperately wanted her parents (and later her teachers/authority figures who she was told would care about the youth) to worry about Her rather than how it reflected on them. -- “they love me, but they don’t…” you sighed sharply, “I embarrassed them a lot as a kid. They’ve never been able to see me as I am now.”

The delinquent behaviour continued when the reader originally met Wilbur because it was habit, because maybe someone, somewhere would worry about her. Except that the most dangerous thing she does is climb on the railing and seem to be balancing precariously by the Thames the day Wilbur shows her around London. After that, he notes that she likes to climb things, that she wants to be tall, but it's things like trees and light posts and the roof but only to stargaze. Because instead of asking Why she's up there, he asks How she got up there, makes a joke that implies that he's concerned about her falling without implying that it would be an issue for Him in any way, then offers to help her down. She likes the feeling of freedom of being up high, but she already knows Wilbur genuinely cares about her.

And that loops right back to the fact that she's loved him from that moment by the Thames, she just didn't realise it was love at the time. HOWEVER, FRANCE -- because in the Cafe, when he says "running away to France is a bit--" but doesn't know how to finish his sentence, the reader is fully anticipating him to call her something along the lines of attention seeking, or that she simply liked making a scene, however instead;

“You ran to another country and not home to your parents,” he says finally, “and I don’t know how to connect that cleanly to the idea that I worry about you, but there’s a link there,” speaking without much thought, he lets the words spill from him, while you’ve gone quiet.

“There’s a link there,” when you echo his words back at him your voice is barely above a whisper, and when he finally looks at you, you’re gazing out of the window that he’d spotted you through, tears in your eyes, “maybe that’s why you’re the only one…”

And she realises that he's seen right through her, and that he's come all this way because he genuinely wants to help her.

Another tangential link and we're going to talk about the two big poems in the fic, starting, of course with You Are Jeff.

The first time the reader brings it up is when she and Wilbur get coffee for the last time. Because her only frame of reference is possessive jealousy when trying to end a relationship, so Wilbur happy to still be her friend was the first inkling for her that 1. Her relationship with Mark was quite unhealthy, and 2. Judging by the stories she's read, what she feels for Wilbur is closer to what they describe love as, than what she feels for Mark, but she's internalised the idea that her happiness and feeling connected to another person is wrong. So the first time she's not thinking about the idea that Wilbur might love her, she's thinking about this part: 'And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired.' and 'like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.'

The second time, in part 2, is the one when Wilbur's dropping the Reader off at the train station, and she's just gotten out of his car. She's trying to be casual, but kisses him before the train leaves so he'll hopefully get the hint that she actually really loves him if he reads the poem. All of it is on her mind this time; she's seen the way Wilbur looks at her, knows the way he touches her, and listens to her, and cares about her. She knows he loves her, but that he won't say the words because she's still with Mark. This time the feeling of doing something terrible is warranted, because she's actively cheating on Mark with Wilbur, who she's very much in love with. But she feels so understood by Wilbur in a way she's never felt before, which is fucking terrifying, but she's not terrified when she's with him, because she can feel how much he loves her. And of course: 'and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.' She knows she loves him, but Mark has always used declarations of love against or to manipulate her, and she still doesn't realise that that isn't really love.

There's one moment where she very deliberately doesn't bring up the poem by name, and that's when Wilbur brings her home from France. Mark telling her that she doesn't know how to love Wilbur kind of shatters her. So she doesn't bring up the poem because if he hasn't read it yet, maybe he doesn't know, and the reader can take the time to determine if she's capable of loving him in the way he deserves, or if after years with Mark she is truly incapable of that. But then even as the reader is saying that she can't speak to him for the foreseeable future, not only does Wilbur respect that, he reassures her that he likes her as a person, and then; "I just want you to remember that it’s all well and good to decide the good people deserve, but you’re people too, and it’s not selfish for someone like you to want happiness.” and the reader quietly quotes the 'something I don't have a name for' because he's just neatly demolished one of the biggest lies she'd told herself for the past few years like it was nothing. And she knows its love. And she desperately hopes she's capable of loving him in the way he deserves.

The last name-only mention is the voice message the reader leaves after she listens to Perfume, because she's done being subtle, she straight up says she's trying to tell him things with this poem, and finally Wilbur reads and understands. But he doesn't bring it up until the car.

Im jumping out of my skin here friend, because the reader is nervous because she's essentially all but telling him that if he wants to know what she really thinks he should read the things she recommends, and so for Wilbur to assure her that he likes how she communicates, and then starts speaking her language, telling her implicitly that he's heard her, and he understands her, I weep.

Actually I think I'm too tired to discuss Boot Theory rn, especially since I also wanted to break down how Litany in Which Certain Things Are Crossed Out relates to how Wilbur feels about the reader. Hmmm maybe tomorrow.

But to end on a sweet note, there's a throwaway moment when the reader is starting to join the online space which is -- There’s the briefest glimpse of a blow-up mattress on the floor beside Tommy’s bed in his background.

I need you to know that that moment is in there because on the nights after the breakup when the reader gets concerned, considering Mark lives down the road, and she's uncomfortable sleeping in her own room, she bunks with Tommy. He's incredibly protective of her. I also have more to add about Tommy and Reader's friendship and bond but it's 5am I think I've gone off the shit enough for now.

[greensaplinggrace]

honestly THANK YOU for saying all that abt baghra bc i thought i was going crazy from not liking her??? bc i haven't read the books and only summaries of them on wiki and like. i dunno why ppl like her actually even in the show bc this guy, her son, is like "i wanna make the world better for us grisha" and she's just like "no." even tho he sees that she's MAKING HERSELF SICK from suppressing her powers! she's literally like in bed coughing in the flashback yet seem much healthier at the little palace. also like after everything, after her disapproval, after the fold, after centuries of waiting for the sun summoner.. he never abandons her. he makes sure she's cares for. he doesn't harm her. and i have to wonder if baghra has ever thanks him for that, for just not leaving her alone. like i dunno how im suppose ro believe aleks is a heartless villain when he still cares for his abusive mom like this. like has baghra even told her she loved him (honestly she reminds me of a classic emotionally unavailable asian parent but maybe that's just me). also im wondering if baghra ever told aleks that he had an aunt.. bc like.. now that u bring up her isolating him it's like hmmmm...

not at me being like alina... why do u trust the bitter old woman who literally beats u with a stick and verbally abuses u every chance she gets.. just bc she showed a bad painting... like.. pls use two braincells to see that who u figured out as his mother... is also using his protection..

like baghra could've upped and left with alina. but no. she stayed bc she knew she was safe under aleks's protection.

alsoim just impressed that after his first friend tried to drown him and harvest his bones... he didn't go into hiding???? he still wanted to make a safe heaven for grisha!!! HE STILL WANTED TO PROTECT GRISHA EVEN AFTER HIS GRISHA FRIEND TRIED TO KILL HIM FOR HIS FUCKEN BONES. like... this is the guy im suppose to believe is the villain???

honestly i feel like part of the reason why LB's plotlines seem so bad and disconnected (and sometimes outright racist but that's another rant) and why darkles is disproportionately more violent and villainous in the later books is bc she didn't expect the darkling to be so popular and wanted to stick with her guns of making him the villain. but also wanted the money from aleks's popularity. but like you can't have ur cake and eat it too.

Well thank you for sending this ask! It's very sweet and very passionate. I'm glad you liked my post! I didn't put as much thought into it as some of my others lol. I kind of just talked. But it was nice to be able to finally talk about some of the problems I have with both her character and the fandom/author's perception of her.

HERE is the post this is referring to, in case anyone's wondering.

👀👀 You've hit the nail on the head for so many things, here!

Baghra is extremely emotionally unavailable, basically to the point of neglect. She's also verbally and physically abusive, traits which I doubt were only reserved for her students and not her son. Baghra claims she would do anything to protect him, but I've known a lot of parents who have that mindset and yet still harm their children because they think it's "good for them".

Aleksander stays at Baghra's side for years, and even when they're opposing each other she's never too far away from him. Idk if you've read the books but he does eventually hurt her. And as much as I don't like Baghra, I think his actions were horrid. But I'm also honestly kind of surprised it took him so long lmao.

Yeah I mean, in terms of isolation, let's not forget that she never wanted to introduce him to his father, either. Baghra's sense of eternity clouds a lot of her judgments on relationships, which means she views most people as dust and therefore teaches her son to as well. The problem with that is that he's a growing child, and he needs those social and emotional attachments for healthy development.

I would bet quite a bit of money that Baghra has either never told him she loves him or she has told him so few times it's practically forgettable.

And everything becomes more complicated because so many of Baghra's actions are understandable because of her life and her history, but the impacts they have on the people around her, especially Aleksander, are permanently damaging. And the fact that that's never gone over in critical depth in the books or how it's glossed over in fandom is just very disconcerting. Like, acknowledging Baghra's failings doesn't mean we're excusing Aleksander's actions, it just means we're holding Baghra liable for her own. Which the fandom should be doing, considering she's the epitome of an abusive parental figure.

And Alina trusting Baghra over Aleksander is even more confusing! Especially in the show!! This is the woman who beat her and abused her and tortured her friends when they tiny little children (and who probably still does so now that they're adults). This is the woman who mocks you and harasses you and insults you on a regular basis. Why does Baghra revealing she's Aleksander's mother make Alina change her mind?! Like fuck, I'd just feel bad for Aleksander. No wonder he kept it a secret, I would too! And that painting is enough evidence?! Really?! A random painting shown to you by this abusive mentor that's been making your life hell. That's what you're going to betray your new lover over?

The friends trying to harvest his bones thing is a good point, too. I think Aleksander, especially show Aleksander, is incredibly idealistic. I think he cares too much for others - those he's deemed worth his care (a sentiment given to him by Baghra). Despite everything she's tried to teach him about hiding and abandoning others and never caring and never doing anything to help or reach out or connect with people, Aleksander still continues to do so. It's likely because he never got it from Baghra growing up, and so is desperate for those emotional needs to be fulfilled elsewhere.

His turning point, when Baghra tells him it was understandable that those kids tried to kill him because the world is such a hard place for them - that's crucial. And the reason it's possible as a motivating factor is because of that idealism and that desire to help and that desire to be everything his mother isn't. Baghra tells him this trauma he just experienced was because of the oppression of his people, and instead of following her lead and accepting that, going into hiding and abandoning everybody to their misery, he goes I can do something about that. I can make it so this never happens again. Which is usually how trauma like that combines with one's core personality traits at a young age, especially when there's none of the essential support systems in place to aid in recovery (ie, the role Baghra should have been filling but wasn't, because she decided to exacerbate the problem instead).

And yeah, one of my biggest problems with the ham-fisted "beating you over the head with a sledgehammer of evil deeds" look-how-bad-this-character-is! portrayal of the Darkling in the later books comes from the impression I get that Bardugo doesn't trust her readers. She's so desperate to have us hate this character and think him an irredeemable villain, not trusting any of her readers to engage critically with a morally gray character, that it feels quite a bit like condescending fucking bullshit. Which ew, I know how to engage with literature, thanks.

She really does seem to look down on a large part of her fandom, and imo, the infantilization of the female characters in her books seems to carry over to her impression of most of her female readers as well. Which is why the Darkling's character arc gets fucking destroyed. But he's still a good cash grab, of course, so she'll shake his dead corpse in front of the fandom for money every time she wants something from it.

Also! Another reason I think her plotlines feel disconnected (I'm sorry Bardugo I respect you as a person, but shit-) is because the writing in SaB is just bad. I mean, nevermind the absolutely nauseating implications of the way she portrays the Grisha as a persecuted group who's situation is never actually fully addressed as it should be, considering Grisha rights is what her main villain is fighting for (imo for a series called the Grishaverse, LB seems to be pretty anti Grisha), but her characters and story alone are just wrong for each other. They don't fit together.

And the ending is one of the main pieces of evidence in that regard! You can’t say the ending where Alina isn’t Grisha anymore is her “going back to where she started” when she’s always been Grisha. She just didn’t know she was Grisha because she denied that part of herself that she was born with.

Alina is reluctant to move forward or change, she struggles with adapting, and she’s very set on the things she’s grown attached to throughout her life. She also has some latent prejudices against the Grisha, and so denies the possibility of being Grisha for those reasons as well.

Alina’s lack of powers in the beginning of her life because she willfully doesn’t learn about them to avoid change versus her lack of powers at the end of the book when she’s accepted them and then they’re stripped away from her by outer forces are two entirely separate circumstances. You can’t make a parallel about lost powers and lack of Grisha status bringing her back to the start when she was always Grisha and she always had powers and she simply refused to come to terms with it because of personal reasons.

The first situation is an internal conflict that indicates a story about growth and a journey of self acceptance. Denying herself the opportunity to learn about her heritage and to find acceptance with a group of people like her because she’s tied to the past and because of the way she was raised is the setup for a narrative that tackles unlearning prejudice and learning how to connect with a part of her identity that was denied her and learning how to grow independent and self assured. It’s the setup for a different story entirely. The second situation is an external conflict that centers around the ‘corrupting influence of power’... for some reason.

In a world where Grisha do not have social, political, or economic power and they are hunted, centering your heroine’s journey of self acceptance and growth around an external conflict about... the corrupting influence of power (in a group of people that don’t actually have any power?!) just doesn’t work. It is literally impossible to connect the two stories Bardugo is trying to push in Shadow and Bone without seriously damaging the main character’s developmental arc.

The only way a narrative like this would work, claiming that she has gone back to where she started, is either a) if the Grisha weren’t actually a persecuted group and instead were apart of the upper class, or b) if the one bad connection between the two instances is acknowledged - that Alina denied a part of herself crucial to self acceptance and growing up, and that losing her powers at the end has also denied her. It is a tragedy, not a happy ending.

Alina suffered because she didn’t use her powers. She grew sick. It was bad for her. This was not a resistance to 'the corruption of power and the burden of greed', it was her suffering because she couldn’t fully accept herself.

Framing the ending as a return to the beginning can’t be done if you don’t address how bad the beginning was for your main character. You brought her back to a bad point in her life. You regressed her. This should be a low point in her arc. It should be a problem that’s solved so she can finish developing organically or it should be something that is acknowledged as a tragedy in it’s own right, for the future the world (the writing) denied her.

This is a ramble and it makes no sense and I’m really sorry, but my point is that Bardugo put the wrong characters in the wrong story. The character arc required for organic development doesn’t match the story and intended message at all. The narrative doesn’t fit the cast. She's got two clashing stories attempting to work in tandem and she ends up with both conflicting messages that fans still can’t comprehend in her writing and an ending that doesn’t suit her main character to such an impossible degree that it’s almost laughable.

So yeah, there's a few reasons why I think the story and the plot feels so bad and disconnected. I hope you don't mind me making this answer so long! 😅 I was not expecting to write this much.

[cdroloisms]

so... the red banquet, huh?

im not going to lie, i was cheering on the eggpire the entire time (/lh) - what can i say, something abt the demon possessed resident evil crew just speaks to my heart. theyre FUN, ok? 

anyway, a lot of people were theorizing abt what c!dream showing up at the banquet could look like - and, well, i thought i’d write my version of it. this takes place in the “guard dog au” developed primarily by a gc im in on twitter (@stabbysideblog being the main originator of it, do check sunny out !!) - the basic premise is post-getting the revive book from c!dream, c!quackity continues to get his, uh, “use” out of him by basically treating him as a bodyguard/guard dog as he goes around the server - which should probably give you a pretty good idea of how this is going to go :] 

tws: death, grief, implied torture, starvation, abuse, blood, murder, unhealthy relationship, dehumanization, possession, trauma, mental illness, violence, dark content, dark imagery, emotional distress, mental instability, pandora’s vault/prison arc, c!quackity critical (not really, but a very dark portrayal of him) 

A strangled sob claws its way up Puffy’s throat as she watches Foolish fall.

He drops in a spray of golden ichor in the crimson, brilliant green eyes trained on hers, jaw slack in horror, pain, dipping to the ground and whiting out before he’s even fully collapsed. The others’ screams hardly even meet her ears; all she can see is her son, falling, her son, dying, her son, that same sunlit kindness still held in the curve of his lips in this room that knows nothing but pain and betrayal, gone gone gone gone-

Because of her.

Ant’s still staring at her, pupils thinned to needles from the brightness of the lava at their backs, ears alert but stance entirely calm as he twirls his sword, still dripping gold. His mouth is moving but she cannot hear anything above the ring ring ringing in her ears, the world swirling and blurring dangerously from the tears gathering in her eyes and spilling over her cheeks, Ant’s eyes polished rubies where there had once been a cloudless sky. Bad gestures at the crowd, pushed back towards the lava’s fire in their fear, leaving her to stand in the middle of the room as one desperate dying scream, the egg, standing as a silent witness to it all-

“Bad-” a flash of blue, and there’s someone standing in front of her, shoulders pulled back, a diamond sword glittering their right hand, “Stop it.”

“Quackity.”’

Bad snarls, tail whipping back and forth; Puffy takes a step back, then another, shoulders still shaking in grief for her son, for her friends, for everyone who’s about to lose their lives in this twisted realm of crimson and hellfire. There is no fear on Quackity’s face though he stands unarmored, and for the first time in this awful day something like worry flashes over Bad’s face. There’s history here, she realizes - what did Bad say about Quackity attacking? - but none of this is making sense, not the self-assured way Quackity is carrying himself, wings relaxed and folded at his back, not the simmering unease making itself known in the foreign cadence of Bad’s voice.

“Oh my gosh, look at what you’ve done,” Quackity says, voice almost patronizing, like a parent stumbling in on the mess their child has made out of their bedroom, “this is impressive, I’m not going to lie, this is quite impressive.” Puffy swallows thickly, hears the shuddering gasp of someone behind her - Fundy, probably, or Sam - as Quackity’s voice drops. “You have to stop right now.”

“Stop?”

“This whole Egg thing is just getting out of control - you just killed a man,” Quackity stalks across the netherbrick floor like he has all the time in the world, ignoring the crossbows that the Eggpire has trained on his back, guarded only by the off-white shirt he’s wearing, an untied tie hanging limply around his neck. She sucks in a sharp breath through her teeth - my son, they killed my son, she means to say, but the words stick to the walls of her throat and only escape her lungs in another series of wracking sobs. “Is that what you wanted to do, Bad?”

He laughs - laughs, of all things, and there is something here that Puffy is missing, that isn’t clicking through the muddied fog of grief hanging grey and suffocating around her head, but Quackity is speaking again and she can’t think about it all, not now, “-and I’m not gonna have it anymore, Bad.”

He slips over by the crowd, eyes glancing all of them huddled in one fearful mob over the tables, eyes dark and daring and cold; the Eggpire keeps their eyes trained on him, Bad’s eyebrows furrowed, Ant’s muzzle twisted in a snarl. Puffy watches, their words passing over her like water skidding against the surface of a rock splitting a stream in two, heart thudding in her ears, marking out the heartsick beats in this poisoned melody - one-two, her-son, her-son, her-son-

He stops in front of her in the middle of monologuing, eyes trained on her own like he’s trying to tell her something. His eyes flick down and she follows their gaze to his other hand, the one not clasped around a sword handle, watches as he gestures vaguely in the direction of the Eggpire. She frowns, confusion cutting through the grief - what is he trying to say? - and Quackity sighs, index finger slashing in the air in the shape of what might be an A as he spins on his heel to walk back towards Bad and the others.

“So how about we just stop playing?”

Quackity smiles, teeth white and glittering from the lava’s glow even as the Eggpire surrounds him, pushes him back against the wall. Bad seems to hesitate, hand clasped around the trigger of a crossbow he keeps pointed at the other’s head; when he speaks, he almost sounds mournful.

“I can’t,” he mutters, quiet, stepping forwards as his shoulders straighten, pushing Quackity back in a motion that the others are quick to follow. Puffy watches, an awful sinking feeling falling through the hole left in her chest by the sight of her son, falling, her son, dead - watches as Quackity’s wings open, shine golden in the lava’s light - what is he planning?

“You know why I can’t stop.”

Quackity heaves a heavy sigh through his lungs, “Bad- you and all your buddies here, drop your weapons, and leave. Let all of these people go.”

“Or what?” Ant’s voice is sharp, but Quackity barely pays him a second thought, swinging a glare at his head and cutting him off.

“I’m not talking to you,” he laughs, dismissive, “I’m talking to Bad.”

“No-” Puffy watches as Bad’s hand tightens on his crossbow, punctuating the word with a step forward. “You put your weapon down. If you wanted to stop us?” He’s too close to Quackity for Puffy to make out either of their faces, crossbow bolt aimed and ready to send straight through his skull. She stiffens, sees from the corner of her eye as the ones beside her look away, and resigns herself to the inevitable spray of blood on brick - not again not again don’t make me watch again - “You should’ve brought more than just yourself.”

Quackity laughs.

“I did,” his voice is dangerous in its levity, making Bad, then the rest of the Eggpire step back as his wings spread open further, watching with bated breath and wide eyes as a swarm of white descends from a hidden hole in the wall, “Or, well, I did the next best thing. I brought my worst enemy.”

“What?”

“Alright Quackity, where’s this Egg thing?”

Technoblade jumps down into the room in a familiar purple-black blur of expertly enchanted netherite armor, form impeccable despite the seeming exhaustion in his voice. At his feet, a pack of wolves gather, pace, muscles coiled and clearly ready to strike; he rolls his shoulders back, signature fireworks loaded into his crossbow, and the crowd behind Puffy immediately breaks into shocked murmuring and soft cheers.

On Quackity’s other side, someone else flips into the room, wearing a suit of all things, crisp and well-pressed; Purpled grins, entirely too gleeful as the Eggpire presses back further, held off by the dogs swarming and growling at their feet.

“Purpled- we hired you!”

“To be frank with you, Bad, a sword appears in Purpled’s hand and he flips it casually, blade thin and gleaming, “Quackity just had the better price.”

“We- we still outnumber you!” Bad’s voice is a near-scream in its desperation, his tail lashing back and forth as he shifts his weight forward, “It’s four against three- we’ll still win-” Despite herself, Puffy’s mind spins; either way, they’re still at a disadvantage from sheer numbers alone, never mind Quackity’s lack of armor. Maybe if they all work together, they’ll be able to sufficiently stop them, but there’s no way she can see this ending in anything less than a bloodbath-

“I didn’t want for it to come to this, Bad,” Quackity’s voice drops low and sweet, the sincerity in his tone belied by his glittering eyes and jagged grin. The shift in tone sends a shiver down her back, has even his allies shifting uncomfortably in what seems to be confusion - Puffy catches something like a murmured no from Sam, behind her, before Quackity whistles, loud.

It all happens too fast for her to follow; one moment, the Eggpire is standing, weapons raised and ready to fight; the next, and there is a new netherite-clad figure in the middle of the room, signature sparks of purple from a pearl still glittering around them, axe buried into Antfrost’s chest. The room devolves into shrieks as his body dissolves, Bad gasping sharply and something dark bubbling in Puffy’s chest - good - as the newcomer in the room moves over to Ponk, bloodstained axe swinging in a downward arc, only barely stopped in time by a diamond sword catching on the crook of the blade.

“Go!” Quackity’s voice rings out above the chaos, and Techno and Purpled - seemingly shaken from their shock - fly into motion, fireworks bursting in flashes of red and black that send Puffy blinking out stars from her eyes, Purpled moving to match blows against Hannah and Techno’s army biting at the ankles of the Eggpire leader. Around her, people scream in relief, cheering as the Eggpire, clad in eggshell-blue, are pushed back one by one, hindered by a shifting wave of teeth and claws and clashing blades and netherite moving smoothly over the uneven floor - Bad screams, “RETREAT!”, and they disappear into the wall.

Purpled curses; “I’m going after them.” Puffy watches, still reeling, as he dives into the corridor that Bad had revealed, a flash of purple and blue melting into the shadows; the mystery figure - still hauling a heavy, bloodstained axe, nearly dragging against the floor - moves forward as to follow.

Quackity snaps his fingers, and the figure stops, turns, immediately moving to the winged man’s side. Behind her, Puffy can make out cheers, gasping, hysterical sounds of relief; she can’t join them, feels nothing but the shuddering weight of her grief pressing further on her lungs as the adrenaline fades, head dizzy with Foolish’ sharp gasp in pain, Ant’s yowl of agony. Her eyes flick to the side, catch on Sam pacing, muttering under his breath; when his eyes meet hers, they widen in something like - alarm?

She shakes her head; she can’t think about all of that, right now. Her hooves stumble over the vines and rot strewn over the floor, carrying her forward to the glitter of gold on red, to where her son had fallen and she could do no more but watch with a scream caught between her teeth.

A hand lands on her shoulder- “I’m sorry we couldn’t make it in time.”

She whirls around; Quackity’s looking down at her, face twisted in sympathy. Behind him, the armored stranger looms, hair long and tangled, helmet keeping their face in shadow and hiding their features from view. There’s something distantly familiar to them, in the way they shift from one foot to the other, something that makes her eyes narrow and throat tighten-

“Who are you?” The words tumble from her mouth, making Quackity freeze, jaw snapping shut, the figure behind him tensing almost imperceptibly under their armor. “Who-”

Quackity’s eyes are dark, piercing; she can’t read them, the flat line of his mouth as confusing as it is frustrating. His eyes flick up to somewhere over her shoulder before moving back to her own

“How rude of me,” He smiles, gold tooth glinting, “I didn’t even introduce our special guest.”

His right wing presses against their back, and they drop, immediately, to their knees, making her step back in shock. Quackity’s hand slips easily under the edge of their helmet, ripping it off with little care and letting their hair fall in a wave of dusty browns over their face; he pulls the strands back roughly, revealing the paleness to their skin, the hollows in their cheeks-

“Dream?”

Her breath shudders in her chest, eyes snapping up to Quackity, still smiling, hand still pressed against the back of his skull. Dream’s face is pale, thin, clawed with new scars that highlight the jut of his cheekbones and the dullness of his eyes. He looks up at her, eyes glassy, skin almost grey, and for a moment she’s looking at Foolish, eyes unseeing in death, the luster of his skin stolen like the air from his lungs, and she nearly screams.

“Puffy, Puffy,” Quackity murmurs, almost kind, “It’s alright, see? Everything’s fine now.”

“He- he’s supposed to be in prison,” she hisses, not missing how he flinches, not missing how even that is hindered by the hand braced against his head. He looks strangely small kneeling at Quackity’s side, dwarfed by the netherite he’s wearing; even with an axe strapped to his back, the blade still wet with crimson and reeking of iron and decay, he hardly looks like the villain that had terrorized the server, the son she could no longer recognize in the midst of the bridges he burned.

“Oh- don’t worry about him,” Quackity shrugs, wings fluttering, “It’s all being done with the Warden’s permission, Puffy, I know what I’m doing.” As if to prove his point, his hand tightens on the other’s hair, tugging his head back by the roots; Dream hardly even reacts, simply letting himself be manhandled, throat bare and exposed to the air, similarly criss-crossed by scars. “He’s perfectly well-behaved now, you see?”

Her throat closes, the pit in her gut torn open by the sight of her son with a blade skewered through his heart only growing wider, hungrier, by the dullness in the eyes of the other. Foolish’ death had happened too fast for her to react: one moment, he was staring at her, eyes mournful in goodbye; the next, he was a tumble of gold and green and blue against the floor, half of his name still not having left her lips. Dream’s head swivels to hers, face entirely blank; there is nothing quick written in the gauntness of his face, more scar tissue than skin, in the shadows under his eyes or how they seem to stare, unseeing, in the long, knotted strands of hair twisted over Quackity’s knuckles. He looks like he’s been dying, slowly, for months, and the screaming cry of YOU FAILED ringing in her head in Ant’s voice only grows louder.

“What did you-” the words scrape roughly against the inside of her mouth, “What did you do?”

Quackity shrugs, letting go, and Dream’s head tips forward to stare at the floor. “What had to be done.”

He clicks his fingers again, and Dream stands, falling behind Quackity with his shoulders pulled up to his ears. Quackity hands him back his helmet, keeping his hand stretched out, palm up, even after Dream takes the netherite and fastens it back over his head. Puffy watches, heart stuck in her throat, as Dream fiddles with something by his throat, pulls out a thick coil of iron chains, pressing the end to Quackity’s outstretched hand - the other side, she realizes, fastened around his neck.

Her breath stutters when he looks back at Quackity, gut roiling at the familiarity - it’s an imperfect copy of the way he used to look at her, a skittish shadow at her tail, all awkward smiles and fidgeting hands. Only now, his eyes don’t dance with the same light, his lungs shivering in fear instead of wheezing laughter; she watches as his head follows Quackity like he’s the only person in the room, a duckling imprinted on the nearest person and ready to follow to the ends of the world and further, and her heart shatters all over again.

“Anyway,” Quackity’s eyes soften, lips curled in sympathy, “My condolences, Puffy, for your son. It really is a tragedy.”

She watches him leave with tears in her eyes, a sob once again caught in her throat. The images overlap - Foolish, smiling under the sun’s glow, sitting on the roof of his summer home - Dream, grinning in the treetops, eyes as green as the leaves surrounding him - Foolish, falling in a spray of ichor and a gasp of pain, Dream, grey-eyed and silent, dead as the crimson rot surrounding his beaten body-

My condolences for your son, Quackity’s words echo in her skull, and not for the first time, she laughs miserably, tears falling from her eyes.

Which one?

[villainsandvictimsalliance]

can you talk abt how mitsuki is abusive/gen

Listen, let's start with something that's fundamental but hard to accept: a person can be generally good to society and yet be an abuser to a certain another.

Why saying this when talking about Mitsuki? Well, as always I'm saying this from my experience. My parents are good persons. They help a lot of people, they are selfless, kind and emotional, etc. But I grew up in a house with constant screaming. Verbal abuse, psychological abuse, emotional neglect... My parents have never hit me, but sometimes some little words can be worst than any punch.

I was a golden child basically, good grades, good at sports, good at other languages, etc. And my parents didn't realize at the moment that they were pressuring me, they never thought about the consequences. In 2016, in the middle of a Tae Kwon Do fight, I dissociated so bad they had to stop the fight and get me out. Now I'm burned out. The mere idea of a competition makes me sick sometimes.

Why do I tell you all of this? Because I know my parents didn't know what they were doing. Sometimes we as humans don't have the education to understand how badly we are traumatizing others. We can be victims, but we can be abusers too. That's why it's so important for people to communicate properly, to be empathic.

I don't think Mitsuki is a bad person when it comes to society, but she did traumatized Bakugo by constantly humiliating him in public, abusing him verbally, putting so much pressure in his shoulders, not seeing how bad Bakugo was suffering from the social pressure, etc.

In other words, the good you have done doesn't cancel the bad and the bad you have done doesn't cancel the good.

Ignorance is not an excuse for abuse. It'll never be. Mitsuki is still an abusive mother. In the same way All Might was neglecting his students, in the same way Nana Shimura was negligent with her son. Because parenting and teaching kids is hard, and it should not be treated as something natural. They had good intentions, but they traumatized their children because they failed to see their actions were not right.

Does that means we should cancel Mitsuki or All Might or Nana Shimura? I don't think so. Cancel doesn't solve the problem. For Nana it's too late, but All Might understood where he was wrong and he corrected himself! He started studying to be better! He did his best to don't repeat his mistake again!

Mitsuki joings the club of mothers who need to learn better along with Rei. Inko corrected herself really quickly and she's a main inspiration for the way parents should act when they realize they have traumatized their children. And well, it's too late for Nao Shimura too :(

Did I explain it well? I think my point came out confusing. If you don't understand one point in particular, please ask about it. And correct me in case I said anything wrong. This is a more delicate issue, and I'm only talking from my experience.

[antiloreolympus]

5 Anti LO Asks

1. i dont even think lo persephone is particularly a bad character, i think the issue is rachel has no idea what to do with her. she wants her to be native and innocent but also deadly and confident, but that'd require persephone to have some flaws/complexities, so she just makes up vague "feelings" and the underworld making her smell bad. rachel herself cant commit to actually letting persephone be a real character with weaknesses and flaws.  which just ends up making persephone boring and flat. 

(same anon abt persephone's lack of flaws) the issue too is that because rachel made persephone the most powerful goddess and has hades as the most powerful king with all the resources, all sense of stakes and tension is just not there. they dont even have actual antagonists because apollo, demeter, and leto are jokes, minthe had no power, and everyone falls over backwards to defend hxp, and we already know the ending. the plot and conflict are as shallow as the characters themselves.

2. its honestly kinda ??? that there is art of lo demeter and persephone and how loving of a relationship they are (were?) and yet thats not in the actual comic? like demeter's love for persephone is framed as abusive and cruel and the actual reason for persephone's problems yet everything demeter said would happen did?? and those werent her fault? like its one thing if demeter had all these fears but were proven wrong, but she's time and time again proven right? and is still framed badly for it???

3. i think part of the reason the art of lo doesnt hold up is bc the world is very flat. like the characters are already boring enough in their colors being the only actual character design, but the world around them is very lacking. theres no distinct buildings, no distinct flowers or trees, and the backgrounds all just flat voids of a single color with some sketchup lines slapped on top. now, other webtoons do this too, but its so the panel doesnt become overwhelmed, LO does it to be lazy.

4. the webtoons app updated to where now the main page banners change every time you open the app to let more series get ad space so OF COURS LO has a banner on it and?? its confusing?? like it has persephone being ~sexy in a bathtub~ and the tagline is "no service in the underworld" and its like what does that even mean?? also the ads love to pretend shes this confident, sexual woman when shes literally everything but in the actual comic. its kinda shocking how often the LO ads just lie like that.

5. Comparing LO to some other WEBTOON I would say that LO is too ambitious for its writer. For “Forever After” you normally just have the current issue and the overall issue with the story, so just because we go through characters in that story their characters complete their arcs. True Beauty is drawn out BUT arcs are still tied up abs even tho it’s not as interesting as it was it still holds my attention positively. “The first night with the duke” kinda got past the point I care about but still again has me drawn in. Suitor of Armor’s story is expanding greatly but I feel the writer already has plans for that

BUT LO is another story. The cast seems bloated for the plots going on and I’m losing track. Like Eros got to explain his little story, and then we forgot about it for a bit with Hades and Aphrodite talking about it for a split second and then way later Eros says “I’m gonna find Pyche” but is he looking? No he just asks his mom for more hints we don’t see him try to do anything clever. He doesn’t even find her on his own merit. And after two years we don’t even get a full conclusion how that went. They shot arrows at Apollo and then what? They were high up in the air, was Eros able to break their fall (probably) What about the whole falling for Ampleutus stuff? We probably won’t see anything for another couple months regrading those two.

ARTEMIS! She’s Persphone’s roommate, we know she’s lying about never having a crush but who is it? RS stated Artemis is gay. Does it matter? Does it influence the plot at all? Is it gonna be a big reveal that Zeus is her father? Why does she hate the three kings so much? Does Zeus know he’s her father? Or was Apollo abs Artemis “created” like Persphone and Hera? (Probably not but still)

HESTIA and ATHENA! When did they start TGOEM? Why did they? Hestia isn’t Athena’s aunt right? Was Athena “created” by Zeus? How does Hera feel about that? What was Hestia like before the war and now? Is Hestia close with the other six traitors?

Hera and her kids! We know Hera has more than Hephaestus Ares and Hebe but like what’s the story man? Hera is closer to all three of these children (Zeus seems to discourage Hephaestus presence, Ares defends his mom, and Hebes mad at Zeus for banishing Ares from the house) but these weren’t snap things that happened, it seems like the kids bond to their mother way more than their father just in general before the story, but why? I feel like Hera’s stuff is used as filler but I’m still more interested rather than HXP all the time. Whose the sister? Why is Hera closer to P rather than her own kids it seems. And echo!? Why did Zeus hire her and what’s the agreement?

That ghost that keeps showing up?

Whatever the Kronos revival plot is?

What happened to rhea?

So the Trojan war already happened?

What’s the deal with Demigods?

Nymphs can have parents but sometimes don’t? (Daphne was crested by Demeter, but Thetis has a mom?)

Is Megara and P now just friends? Or did we miss her character where she either gets over hades or plots revenge?

I just feel like with everything LO isn’t planned this far out and it’s just worrying for what she’s in the mood for not tying plots together and getting much figured out. Like the plot just Keep not moving forward because there’s just too much to cover. 

[aks3raao1]

Me, to Luja: So tell me about yourself

Luja: No

Me: ...ma'am I need to write the story—

Luja: Good luck <3

[now that I do think of it, ALTERNATIVE's main duo that's established right at the beginning is literally a chiller but edgier Katsuki and way worse sUrViVe Nagito genderbends]

~~~~~~

Luja Sen, she/her

Anyways, Luja and Romila are friends from middle school (the story starts with the beginning of their high school at AoS (Academy of the Specialised) which was essentially founded by Nyx). Luja gains her Specialisation (Ferrokinesis: The Ability to bend metal) at the age of twelve, so she has it for a lesser time period than Romila.

Luja primarily wants to become a scientist. Her family is happy with that, because it's praised and everything, especially in our society.

She has a gifted child superiority complex. Being a gifted child + Specialised means that she hardly had many friends in school. Her family had tried to get her to socialize....which didn't go down too well.

She believes that most people are annoying because they waste too much time on useless things like gossiping and what not, which she never showed much interest in and doesn't like to be dragged into those nonsense.

She is friends with Romila since they do share the same taste in stuff and were the only Specialised ones in their class. And they kinda stuck together for most of middle school and went into high school.

She has a problem when it comes to seeing Romila since she tends to see her bad parts and is like, "It's a phase" considering that it's not necessarily affecting her. Romila doesn't get too cranky with her since she fascinates her, with her passion™ for science. Also because she isn't all self sacrifice UwU.

Luja cares for her own self above others (but tends to put Romila pretty close to that hierarchy, which is why she's one of the only two Romila trusts during the Mansion of Death (the other person is Kratanos)) however she also does want to keep what friends she has and is generally caring towards them.

She has a genuine love for science and loves to discover how things work and why, and her favourite facet is Physics. She does want to invent things and honestly just make stuff easier for the Specialised who face a LOT of issues, especially when it comes to amenities since the government is an ass about accomodations and they gained the Fundamental Rights like ten years or so ago in the ALTERNATIVE timeline. And they gain an additional right ("The body won't be harmed for science") when they graduate from school, after signing a contract that they dedicate themselves to helping the government when called upon. (The whole contract is stupid and basically oppresses them more especially the punishment for not abiding by it).

With her goal of becoming a scientist, she wants to use her talents to make accomodations specifically for them so that she could have done something.

The things she fears the most is failure. Failing as in being unable to accomplish her goals. She is afraid of it because it's an unknown variable that's constantly haunted her and she's working hard for it to never reach her.

I suppose there's a way for her to confront that fear during the Mid terms at AoS where she essentially "loses" in the practicals due to her......teamwork issues.

Everyone thinks of her as stuck up and isn't interested to listen to her much and since she views the others as annoying people with annoying habits, she tends to fail to regulate them, causing Romila to win instead (yes, it's THAT unfortunate of a situation) in their match, which causes her to review a LOT of things and she tries to see what caused her to lose after having a severe breakdown.

She develops an inferiority complex in respect to Romila and then spends a long time wondering where she went wrong.

Rena (who somehow clung to her) tries to cheer her up but gets turned back halfway, but she still stays on and Luja is like, "Wtf" until she sees Romila going entirely off the deep end (she presents an interesting contrast to how Koldin sees Romila as well, she sees Romila's behavior and considers it as a justification for her own self....she uses Romila to justify herself a lot (since if you asked Romila, Luja was more or less fine according to her since she wasn't being a doormat and stood up for herself) while Koldin sees Romila as the reason he should cling onto his own stuff) and realises that she could be on the path to destruction herself and accepts Rena's help and tries to be more open to others which leads to the Mid terms parallels in the Archenemy of Society arc where she "succeeds" instead and manages to get the class together enough to escape the situation.

However it doesn't mean that her fear of failure has entirely vanished into the blue, she just reviews the ways she can fail better now and works around it to avoid it and has more confidence in her own self. But she is still scared of failing and would love to avoid that more than anything. However she's chiller after that.

Her intelligence is more or less on par with both Romila and Kratanos, making them the three main strategists in the final battle against the bigots (which is basically a rerun of the Mansion of Death situation but way way worse and fucked up and has different leads to it).

....

The thing is that, no matter what I do, she winds up feeling like one dimensional/repetitive, which is something I am trying to amend about all the characters (I mean, I had to revamp a lot of characters so it will probably take me a long long time to actually get to writing.........sigh besides she stands up like a cardboard amongst people (I mean, you have Romila and Kratanos with extremely complicated storylines and then you have her. Just there))

So the main question is how to make her more interesting as a character and on par with the rest while still keeping her character flaws and personality?

I think the easiest way to go abt this is to view her as a sassy Bakugo. They have the main points in common. They're salty, don't like to socialise, feel inferior to a certain someone while still having some semblance of confidence and a terrible fear of failure

Now as much as I hate to compare your character to another one, it makes it a lot easier to have them become - as my English teacher would say - more. So I am sorry if this comes off as offensive-

For Bakugo, he became interesting by playing a big part in the mc's main story and we do get a few scenes where his vulnerability is shown. I assume it's the same with your character but...what rlly ties the knot for me when it comes to Katsuki is the fact that his problems...are more than just an inferiority/superiority complex. His whole thing stems from background especially (*cough* abusive mom *cough*) and the fact that he's not the main character (or rather that the story isn't being told in his perspective).

These facts make us over think and want more of him. The mystery draws us in which is why I think Luja's character is so perfect for someone in the background. She doesn't like to reveal things abt herself and is pretty dismissive to most things on top of that (plainly just salty). Her character rlly draws you in and the best way to portray those kinds of characters is through another character. Ofc, you'd have to get to their POV eventually but it's important to note that most of the details should come from someone else's POV (an observer, if you will) instead of info dumping and starting straight with hers. A character that's mysterious with a very simple yet relatable story attracts a LOT more attention and interest when seen from someone else's perspective than when you kickstart it from theirs.

Ofc, if u are planning (or already have) started the story from her POV, that would be a bit problematic in terms of interest. But not a train wreck. This is where my other point comes in. The point of making a character have more than one problem

Different ppl as well as characters have a main problem but also different ones, no matter what way you look at it. It seems that even you are confused with all ur character's ins and outs (dw, we've all been there... I am still there tbh) and a solution to that is backtracking a bit and looking at their life from the very beginning in HEAVY detail (like more than u already did). Think abt what other trauma could have been caused, what doubts and fears could have slowly crept it's way to her heart and head (I am a sucker for long-lasting doubts that develop over time) and anything you can even so much as GRASP on. If you look at it and see it as a possibility, try to fit that into her character and add it subtly in different places (as subtext or a creative pattern, wordplay, doesn't rlly matter as long as it's not openly stated bc, remember, the key thing to these types of characters is mystery).

For example, a fear of failure can stem into anxiety before the character has even lost smth later in their life. They probably get rlly anxious when evaluating smth but don't show it much or at all so no one notices. This adds even MORE to the character bc you can build it up after other events. Like once they have failed, they could probably get even more anxious and then develop a bad relationship with the person who beat them (double the points if it was a friend). You could build all that up and turn it super toxic instead of jumping right to the healing. It makes it more interesting, doesn't it? Plus, reevaluating almost everything including world views after 1 loss is...kind of hard to believe even with anxiety (no offense)

Adding a lot of little problems and thinking abt how Luja's behaviour can impact other characters helps a terrible lot if ur doing most of the story from her POV. Especially since she's probably the most relatable character (from what I've heard anyway). I have a certain saying... it goes like, "It's better to have a relatable and connecting character than one with a problem that is too big for normal people to fathom."

I like characters with heart-wrenching problems that I would never be able to relate to (take maybe Shigaraki as an example ig?) But my favourite are the ones that make me feel as tho I made a real connection

Also, I would like to say...if ur looking to progress her character even further, I would debate on whether it's the complete end to the novel or if there'll be a second part. If it's a second part, keep some of Luja's issues. Make her get better but not completely "YAY, I AM DONE BEING TORMENTED". If it's the end of the novel/series/etc., make it so that she's resolved most of most of her issues. They don't have to be completely gone but they have to be a lot better compared to how they started. And how i would work that out is a mind map but knowing ur a scatterbrain...lets talk it out where everything is all over the place

Luja's main thing is to gain confidence in herself and be finally ok with losing, right? If you ask me, that's a tough one but not impossible. I think to get her from point A to point B is to put up a bunch of events like:

Get her super anxious when doing smth

Lose to *insert person*

Have a breakdown and over think on what she could have done better (on the project or whatever she lost at)

Get even more anxious and totally mess up the next thing

Lose once again (double points if it's the same person as last time)

Overthinking abt how she's not good enough

F i g h t i n g f r i e n d s c o z d r a m a

"YoU'rE nEvEr GoNnA gEt BeTtEr If YoU kEeP tHiNkInG aBoUt YoUrSeLf"

Over think abt no. 8 bc out of options and ideas and ✨a n x i e t y✨

Try listening to others more and become b e t t e r

Win smth (bc creator forbid 3 losses in a row to start depression)

Lose again (there is gonna be a bit of back and forth but is necessary for development)

"I tHoUgHt I wAs FiNaLlY dOiNg SoMeThInG rIgHt AnD nOw LoOk"

"Losing is not th3 3nd of th3 fucking world, you lunatic"

"WELL, IT IS TO ME, BITCH"

*insert psychology somehow idk*

Another loss

"I'm angry...but I'm ok"

Note that idk where bullying would come in and these are only how I would think it to go-

A character like this isn't rlly my strong suit when it comes to them resolving their problems but they are fun to write and think abt-

................................did I just give you advice on how to traumatize? I-

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, Se03. ep 6.(Part 1)

The main female protagonist who, has been the “mother /psychiatrist/ fixer/curse-breaker” for 57 eps & 2 seasons, has finally had her own “I’m a real person with my own issues” ep !!!! YESS! So happy!!! also, so underwhelmed. Tohru has been painted to be this utterly selfless & altruistic character for long, that when she’s finally a balanced character it’s presented in half an episode? Don’t get me wrong, I like the ep, but there’s also the same feeling of bullet train that I felt in momiji’s ep! ugh!! I hated that feeling! Go away~ oh well.. I’ll quickly state what I didn’t like, before jumping into what I liked, in order to end with a happier note~

What I didn’t like:

Tohru’s monologue after leaving shigure & Isuzu felt more like a background exposition more than a true character’s thoughts. The reason is that It is quickly narrated with quick flashbacks from the past with intentional pieces missing from the flashback. Pieces like” how did Kyoko hurt tohru? She said to kyo, in se02, ep “ I feel like I’ve only caused her sadness” &  tohru’s flashbacks in se02 of her mother leaving/ closing a door. All these things not included in tohru’s 1st ever personal monologue made it seem like quick fill in for the audience more than tohru’s main struggle. Compare it to Yuki’s 3 ep monologue in se02, filled with all his own background info, hence, we as audience sit back & just feel. With tohru a little brain work is needed of putting things together in the puzzle is needed because NOTHING abt her trauma has ever been explained to us prior to her monologue . Also, compare this kyo. A character who ONLY have 2 eps dedicated to him in 57 eps, yet even without monologues & with hidden secrets for climax purposes, his emotions are clear cuz his background was explained early in se01, ep24 & se02, ep9. Compared to them both, her monologue felt a bit lacking.

What’s up with the following scene? Her crying & kyo comforting her mid-street. He saw her crying, asked what’s wrong & she couldn’t say & he gave her a comforting advice. All good. Kyo always give the most needed advice for tohru to be herself & feel comforted. Se01, “complain more, be selfish” Se02, somen table scene & asking her abt her future plans & the hiro incident. Kyo has tried to guess whats wrong first. Here he saw her cry in the middle of the street & just gave her an advice? couldn’t he at least guess wrongly if it is her granpa? school? anything? This scene is AMAZING but it feels off a little.

Kyo’s “ now I remember” EXCUSE ME?????? se01, ep14, valentine ep, he got a nightmare, then when shigure talked to him, we saw a quick flashback that we didn’t now what it is but now it IS kyoko. se02, the entirety of ep9 & the “ I won’t forgive you” & the flashback of young him with kyoko talking abt tohru. se02, ep 22 his fight with yuki & the clear face of kyoko telling him abt something regarding the hat. His entire shutdown of tohru IS abt kyoko NOT abt him being a monster cuz tohru accepted monster kyo in se01 ep 24! so.. REMEMBER WHAT????? the accident?? I feel like being hit with a rock. I mean, it makes sense that kyo will get PTSD after seeing the hat, cuz he remembers the bloody accident vividly. But it is the dialogue that IS weird. “ I remember” ?? it makes no sense? unless it is another hidden secret & will be revealed later. If so, then forget this point.

Kagura (more on her below). Now, let’s talk abt what I liked!

-Grief (the most difficult theme to express in literature): Excellent writing!

Grief is one of the most diverse human emotions. ppl who grief a loved one either erase everything abt them in order to cope with the pain of loss & live on, or drastically engrave everything, not want any memory to slip away, or hold the deceased on a pedestal, or hate them irrationally in order to forget abt them, some deny that the loved one is gone, others talk to them daily, some act & live normally for years & suddenly it hits them that this loved person is truly gone & they breakdown. Others, direct their disbelief of losing a precious one into the envy that other bad ppl are still living, why my precious one is dead?. Thats why, it is a difficulty emotion to understand by others. Ppl watching you will always think that comforting you is enough & that the longer you take, the more impatient they are with you. Tell me, watching tohru this ep, didn’t you feel that:

Come on. tohru, you can love your mom & kyo! who says only ONE person can be your precious?

Umm, why she cries for her mom NOW? 2 years after her death? Is she over it already?

Tohru~~ your mom aint going no where cuz you loved a guy? she’s in your heart, girl. Ugh!

Compared to yuki who was abused by his parents & kyo whose mom commit suicide in front of him, tohru’s trauma is meh~

Feeling this way abt tohru is exactly how many feel abt ppl struggling with grief. You are NOT a bad person if you felt this way. It means that thankfully you weren’t struck by grief to tohru’s extent or that your grief went about differently than tohru. Grief is a crippling feeling. It is valid, strong, overwhelming, paralyzing & above all very unique to the person themselves. Tohru feeling that her mom is slipping away from her memory is so realistic & utterly heartbreaking. Grief hurts & moving on from grief hurts more!!!! The more you go on & live your life, the more you feel like you betray your loved one.

Tohru’s entire existence is for her mother & so her mother LIVES inside her:

Finishing high school cuz it’s her mother’s request.

Getting a job to sustain herself cuz she has no one to support her financially.

Giving her mom’s wisdom & teachings abt life to others.

imitating her dad’s speaking style to prevent her mom from “leaving”.

Being the perfect girl in order to portray that her mom, who is a gangster & is hinted by the ugly relatives to be unfaithful to her husband due to tohru not taking after her dad, actually raised a respectful girl!

Talking to a dead cold lifeless picture as if it is a living human being & going into panic attacks when she looses such pictures.

Suppressing all her true “ ugly, negative” emotions & only giving the fake smiles & positive attitude.

She fears that ppl will leave her if she isn’t “comforting, happy”, hence, the whole facade of “ i’m okay, I’m okay”.

Immersing her self in ppl’s issues so she won’t face her own feelings of utter loneliness, fear of the future, & being left behind when everybody moves on with their lives.

Thinking that having selfish desires contradicts the “ hopeful, kind” girl images, hence, the fear to actually wants sth for herself. Everything HAS TO BE for the sake of the others.

Tohru is deeply traumatized & her complex, unhealthy but extremely realistic attachment to her mom must be broken. Tohru must learn to LET GO.

-Kagura’s character’s assassination. aka (violence heals y’all!)

The show wanted to express the emotion that kagura is still in love with kyo, but is learning to let go & accepting kyo/tohru love. I love that. Her speech with kazuma abt not being able to face tohru cuz her face will show her emotions is so relatable & it hit ME personally. Loved that. Then, she learns that tohru truly loves kyo & should confess to him not talk to Isuzu & I get that, it make sense that she lashes on thru & teach her the value of being open abt your feelings & dont loose him. all cool & understandable. BUT:

How dare you slap tohru like that? you don’t know what she’s going through? tohru is wearing funeral clothes for God’s sake! she just visited her dead mom, you insensitive woman! How dare you assume that all tohru is struggling with is love love, romance romance yay~ confess, kiss, be happy?

Tohru & kyo’s issues are deeper than typical, normal, shallow shojo love. It is related to child trauma & abuse. To their own individual identity & self-image! Their romantic love is meant to guide them towards better choices for the future, not magically heal everything. Their mutual love is NOT the answer to their issues.

How dare you slap someone to make them go back to their senses? this is such an anime move! ugh!~ it cheapens the emotional weight of character’s emotions.

“ I’m not apologizing to tohru. We communicate thro fists” excuse me?  you arent even communicating with kyo thro fists! he sees you & run! the only time he thanked you for, was when you didn’t “ communicate thro fists” & played with him as a child! Not only make her hit tohru but not apologize??

No one told her off? are you foreal?? Isuzu pouting lips is no match for Isuzu powerful emotions when she’s embarrassed, & kazuma! where you at? Happy at the “ open confrontation”? Why do you kill kagura’s character like that?

Side Notes:

I hate how this went by in half an ep like they did with machi!! tohru is THE main character for God’s sake! But it looks like the show is not so fond of the true tohru who wants stuff & screams & talks to herself, alas she isn’t the angelic, innocent girl that is saturating the heck out of all shojo amines. Oh well~ perhaps tohru’s issues will be visited again in the finale?

Kyo gets PTSD reaction in front of tohru. great. Now what’s next? I won’t ever forgive the anime if next ep, kyo & tohru are all normal or worse the episodic theme prevents the continuation & jumps elsewhere. Nearly all the eps that didn’t end with a happy note, started the next ep somewhere & totally forgot the cliff hanger. such as, Isuzu’s ep in se02, it ended with tohru’s nightmare & next ep started yuki’s issues with tohru all smiley & bright. Another example, the Cinderella play ended with kyo/tohru torn symbolism where each is awkward with the other, next ep machi !!!!!! & kyo/ tohru all normal in kazuma’s house. But this time, it will be an epic mistake to do the same. Kyo going full traumatic in front of tohru to the point of her screaming is not sth you skip & start over erasing. Don’t disappoint me show! you can’t screw that, can you?

I love the symbolism of kyoko disappearing from the picture & the crack of her framed pic at the end with it still continued in he ED. Good job.

They are building for a hug clashing scene between kyo & tohtu. it must hurt. It is designed to hurt. I wanted it to hurt. It is not abt romance. It is abt mental & emotional trauma. I’m excited. But I’m scared. After today’s ep, I can confidently say I don’t trust the director. I’m an anime-only, but tohru’s part in the story is the least touched upon, the quickest to get over with & has the wackiest animation. They just don’t know how to depict an emotional tohru~ sigh~

Tohru is written to be a unique protagonist in the sea of innocent, selfless & always happy shojo heroine & opposed to the badass, physically strong female protag in shonen. She is the most realistic, but so much of her potential is wasted so far~~

“ saving the sohma’s. breaking the curse for others is a lie, in reality I wanted to do it for kyo” This line is supposed to be liberating for tohru cuz for once she is putting herself FIRST! It is not abt kyo. It is abt herself! it is cuz SHE wants him. See the difference? See how this line gives tohru the biggest character development!! but still sth is missing. I duno..

I have lots to say abt tohru, kyo, shigure, the grandpa, kyoko, Isuzu & even kazuma! I’ll do that in part 2.

I still liked the ep tho. It is solid. I”ll like it MORE if they continued from here & didn’t cut it cold.