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scripttorture · 4 years ago

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You mention in posts how torture doesn’t make people obedient and usually makes them spiteful (which obviously makes sense), but isn’t it realistic for someone to comply out of fear rather than loyalty? Whether that was giving up information or obeying orders or something else entirely. I imagine it depends on the person, and they would probably still be willing to turn on their torturers if given the chance, but would it be possible for them to obey orders in hopes of avoiding more pain?

This is a much more nuanced and complicated topic then we’re taught to assume.

When it comes to giving up information it’s pretty clear cut. No, torture can’t lead to accurate information for a lot of interconnected reasons. I have about six separate masterposts covering the reasons for this.

One of those is the antagonism torture produces. Another is the memory problems torture causes. Another is the effect that the use of torture has on organisations and the chain of command. Another is the effect torture has on torturers.

Torture drastically increases the chances of memory loss and it also increases the chances of inaccurate memories. So not only is a torture victim less likely to talk, they’re more likely to be wrong if they do talk.

But the effects on victims aren’t the main reason torture doesn’t work as a way of getting information. You’re assuming that torturers have access to people who have information.

The reality is that torture destroys an organisation’s ability to gather accurate information. Most information comes from volunteers: when torture comes into play less people volunteer information. This means that an organisation which tortures is more likely to be questioning someone who knows nothing. That person is then abused until they start making things up.

Because there’s less access to volunteered information and because humans are very bad at telling when someone is lying, a lot of these made up stories are believed. And this then effects who else the organisation arrests and tortures. This creates a sort of spiral, with lies leading to more lies.

Additionally the torturers themselves make things worse. There’s less quality research on them, but the research and anecdotal accounts create a pretty clear picture of their behaviour. They undermine the chain of command, they lose the skills the originally had as they turn to torture, they’re aggressive, incredibly competitive and they have a… fracturing effect on their organisation.

Basically they’re incredibly difficult to work with and totally convinced of their own importance. And this effects their colleagues. It totally divides organisations. The worst case I’ve read about involved members of the same organisation killing each other over access to prisoners.

That’s a short run through of the main factors. Torture, in the legally defined sense, means all of these factors are in play. Plus a few more I’ve omitted to keep this shorter.

With all of that together you just can’t get accurate information.

If you want longer posts I’ve made on the subject I suggest looking for the ‘torture doesn’t work’ tag and the ‘torture as interrogation’ tag. You can also read the masterposts. If you want a much more in depth look at why torture consistently fails as a way of getting information I recommend O’Mara’s Why Torture Doesn’t Work and Rejali’s Torture and Democracy.

O’Mara is a neuroscientist and goes through the effects torture has on the brain in a way that’s accessible, explaining the damage torture causes and how that destroys the evidence torturers claim to be seeking. Rejali’s book is a breeze block but it’s really a must, it is the textbook on torture in a broad sense. He ties together information from across the globe creating a broader picture of what torture does, not just to victims but to societies.

The question of compliance under threat and pain… is more complicated.

People can be forced to do some things. That much is obvious from a brief glance at human history and things like slavery. But it’s important to listen to what people in these scenarios say.

And my opinion, based on what I’ve read, is that what these people say doesn’t support the idea that humans will easily obey instructions when they’re hurt or threatened. I think instead these people are making hard headed, rational choices in absolutely awful situations. I think when we don’t have these experiences of torture or slavery, it’s easy to look at the surface of the situation and assume that pain alone assures obedience. I think that happens because it’s hard for use to understand the rationale when we don’t have that lived experience.

Let me give some examples. So it probably goes without saying that slavery goes hand in hand with physical abuse. One of the major researchers on slavery, whose data I quote pretty regularly, assumes throughout his writings that pain is the deciding factor which ‘makes’ people obey.

But he also describes a couple of very obvious consistent patterns in the ways slavers behave. Slavers almost universally do the following things as well as using physical abuse:

Separate enslaved people from their community

Bar enslaved people from other forms of support

Make enslaved people financially/materially reliant on the slavers

Tell enslaved people that going to the police/authorities will lead to the enslaved person being arrested

Try to convince enslaved people that they will be better off if they comply, usually by framing it as a debt to be worked off with promises of riches after a period of time

Now here’s the thing: we know from studies on cults and studies on ICURE techniques that a lot of these strategies will result in obedience when there is no violence or physical abuse.

Given that I don’t think we can assume that violence is the deciding factor. In fact I think the evidence we have from forced confessions under torture suggests the violence may lead to less obedience and a lower ‘success’ rate then a set up that used emotional abuse or other exploitative techniques without violence.

We have two sources of historical data that are used for statistical studies on forced confessions. One is from historical France. We think that this data set only involved torture to force a confession; no other method of coercion just violence. The rate of forced confessions varied a little in different areas but over all it’s about 10%. The second data set is from the ‘London Cage’ a British prison during the second world war. Here we know that torture was combined with blackmail, bribery and other kinds of coercion. The rate of forced confessions there was about 30%.

And while this is just two studies, while the data is lacking… That is one hell of a jump.

Let’s circle back to ICURE. ICURE stands for Isolation, Control information, create Uncertainty, Repetition and Emotive responses. It’s a set of techniques which can, sometimes, change someone’s beliefs when it’s applied consistently over a long time.

Notice the effort slavers put in to isolating their victims. Notice that the behaviour pattern I’m describing means the slavers are creating uncertainty over seeking help and repeating those messages as well as messages that the victims will be better off if they just go along with it.

Slavers will generally also try to control the information their victims have access to, taking phones and blocking access to news sources and other resources. Now a lot of slavers will transport their victims to other states or countries putting a language barrier in place. They sometimes also use emotive responses in attempts to persuade victims to comply.

I’ve read multiple accounts where survivors of modern slavery described slavers telling them that the money they were making was being sent to the victim’s family and without it the family would not survive. (Sometimes the slavers do send small amounts to the families of their victims, sometimes they pocket everything.) I’ve also read accounts where gangs of slavers used religion and oaths taken in a religious setting to persuade their victims they’d be punished by God for not complying.

Even with all of this, all these techniques we know can sometimes ‘work’- lots of people refuse. Lots of people disobey. Lots of people escape. Lots of people actively sabotage the operations the slavers put together.

And if you look at that same history of slavery, that shows us people can sometimes be forced to work, you’ll see that this has always been true.

We have records of historic enslaved people attacking slavers, forming organised militias, forming parallel societies, sacking towns, taking over an entire Caribbean island and beating off four European armies in the process. We also have records of smaller acts. Sabotage, worship of banned deities, speaking banned languages, destruction of property, aiding in the escape of others.

What I’m saying is: this isn’t black and white. The evidence, modern and historical does not paint a clear picture of violence leading to obedience.

Instead I believe that it shows humans are resilient, stubborn, adaptable creatures. People can survive all kinds of horrible situations. It is more accurate, more human, to assume that people make rational choices.

Sometimes those choices involve short term compliance while looking for a better option or a way out. But we tend to hear less stories about the people who completely refuse to comply. We tend to treat that as an impossible fiction when it is a recorded historical and modern reality.

Bringing this back to writing as a general rule the more complicated the act the less likely you can force someone to do it. Because the more complicated it is the more opportunities they’ll have to sabotage it or use it against their abuser.

I recommend reading up on the history of Haiti pet. Then Brazil via Palmares.

I’ll end this by bringing it back to those statistics on forced confessions in historical France. Imagine the conditions with me for a moment. Unsanitary, cramped cells. Dehydration, starvation and disease. Plus the kinds of scarring torture that are conjured up in the minds of most Western people when the word ‘torture’ comes up; thumb screws, leg irons that tighten until the bone snaps, whips.

Picture it. Try to imagine the pain those people went through.

And remember that 90% of them did not comply long enough to sign their name.

Available on Wordpress.

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aiems · 3 years ago

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Mini Vapoursynth Tutorial ♥︎

Hello!! I was asked to make a little tutorial on how do I work with the Vapoursynth settings when I gif so below the read more you’ll find how I work with it and a lil before & after of the gif!

Hope you understand! ☺️

First things first, you need a video to work with (lol). I always like to cut the video parts I want to gif first and then put them through VS one by one to make it easier to work with (and to spare my laptop from dying processing everything) but I know people that prefer to run the entire original video through VS first, then cut the part they want to gif. Whichever you prefer is totally fine!

To add a video to VS all you need to do is drag it to the VS icon and drop it. You’ll get this window where you’ll have to specify the length of the video section you want VS to work on (yes you’ll have to write all the zeros):

Start of the section:

End of the section:

This will open that exact section on the program and you’ll be able to start to work with it from here.

You’ll get this window next (it’ll open on Chrome):

(Gonna add that, apart from this window, the Vapoursynth Editor will open too, but I’ll get to that later, just don’t close it)

You’ll have the settings on your left, your video in the centre and then another bunch of settings on the right.

The first bunch of settings allow you to modify the size of the gif (in this case I’ve chosen 268 (width) x 400 (length), to make a 2 gif gifset, but you can do up to 540 (width) and basically any length you want...idrk if there’s a length limit on tumblr tbh...). I don’t touch anything else apart from the Denoise Filters and the FineSharp setting.

You need to tick those and then you’ve got two options: either change the settings using that sliding circle OR change them on the second settings bunch on the right. I do it there because I find it faster and more precise but you do you.

NOW to change the settings on the right side, what you ONLY want to change is the part where it says “1.6″ and “0.22″ because the values correspond to the Denoise Filters and FineSharp settings I told you before (if you use the sliding circle on the left side you’ll see these values changing automatically as you move the circle from left to right).

The Denoise Filters (the “1.6″ you want to change) are gonna smoothen the surface of the video, they’re gonna get rid of those little grains you see on videos that are not hd.

The FineSharp setting (the “0.22″ you want to change) is gonna harsh the lines and make them more defined.

Here, it depends on the original video you’re working with and the quality it has: if you have a very high quality video you’re not gonna want to use a very high value for any of those settings bc you’ll end up with a super blurred gif that’s gonna look weird. If the video is lower in image quality, you’ll have to play with the values.

The sh*tty thing about this is that, as you start changing the values, the result doesn’t show up on the gif in the middle immediately, meaning that you’ll have to run the code and open the gif on Photoshop to see the result. So it’s a matter of trial and error. If your resulting gif doesn’t show up on PS the way you want it to show up, you’ll have to go back to VS, change the combination of both settings, run it again through the software and check it again on PS.

The values I normally use for both settings usually range from 1.5-1.8 for the Denoise filter and 1.6-1.9 for the FineSharp. It really depends on the original video you’re working with, so always try to find the highest quality videos you can to make gifs from them.

Now once you’ve got your settings ready, all you need to do is copy the code,

open the Vapoursynth Editor window I told you about at the beginning and paste it where it says “#Resizer content goes here”:

Then, at the top bar, click on “Script” and in the drop down menu chose “Encode video”:

This will open yet ANOTHER window:

All you have to change here is where it says “Header: No Header”. you’ll want to click on those blue arrows and chose the option that says “Y4M”.

If you don’t chose this option, the encoder will give you an error message and won’t work, so if you ever get any errors check out you don’t have this unselected.

Once you have this all you need to do is press start (at the bottom right of the window) and let the program do its magic. It’ll start encoding the video and giving you lots of words and stuff and you’ll feel like a hacker breaking into some Country’s Government security system.

The moment it finishes encoding it’ll give you a “Finished encoding” message in green and you’ll have to press “Save” (in the middle right of the window) for it to save the video to your VS Output folder.

From here all you have to do is open PS, import the video and start working with it there!

This is the comparative with and without VS:

I haven’t used any PSD on top of them just so you can see the real difference.

Hope this was useful!

Bye!! ☺️💕

#vapoursynth #tutorial #vapoursynth tutorial #monsta x #turned out to be not so mini but oh well!

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thatdisasterauthor · 3 years ago

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Hey I can't come up with something more coherent right now but: I think you're really cool! Thank you for sharing so much art and writing, I'm consistently impressed and often inspired by what you make.

Also! Do you have a post anywhere talking in detail about your day job? I don't know if I have the chops to get a spot making museum-quality replicas, but I'd really like to build on my sculpting skills and make more accurate replicas (starting with non-fossilized remains I have, since I can't very well mold/cast something I don't have access to of course). Do you have advice on materials or tools or techniques for making skeletal replicas? And/or any resources you know for learning such things? I don't mean to burden you with large requests, mostly I don't know where to start.

Hm. If that makes sense? I also ask because I'd love to hear about sort of what your trajectory looked like to get to your current job, or any recommendations you may have for people looking to get into similar fields (quite vague, sorry :/ ) and of course, how you like it! Hope you're enjoying life right now!

Sorry for such a long ask! And of course don't feel like you have to address everything (or anything hah), mostly wanted to send in some positivity! Thank you!

Second ask: Oh and of course the weird real estate posts are always funny, so thanks for those as well

Awww, thank you so much! I'm so glad you like my work.

So, everything about my day job is under the tag "Makin' Bones." I've done a few minor things about what it entails, but I'm happy to go into more detail! How I got into it, though, was that I saw a facebook post that they were hiring about a year and a half ago and thought "that sure sounds neat even if this is a kinda sketchy facebook post, I shall apply!" And I did. And I got the job. And now I make replica bones. Do I have a background in Paleontology? No! Do I have a background in molding and casting? No! I literally just followed a weird facebook post into the woods and HERE WE ARE.

Anyways.

Firstly, my business trains from scratch! I can't speak to other fossil replication places, but we're the top fossil replicators in the US so if we can train from scratch I don't see why anyone else couldn't. With that said, there's really not that many places in the US that JUST do fossil replicas. A lot of museums have a department for it, or a few people that happen to know how to do it on top of their main job, but very very few JUST do replicas like we do.

When it comes to physical sculpting we really don't do much except when we get the RARE life model commission (usually of fish, for whatever reason). What we DO do a lot of, however, is digital sculpting. Digital reconstruction is a rapidly growing part of our business. For example, here is a diagram of a mosasaur skull we recently did a digital reconstruction of to remove it from the surrounding stone and reconstruct it into its original shape since it got squished over time:

The original skull was scanned using photogrametry and then the skull was extracted from the matrix and restored using Zbrush. So, if you want to get into the nitty gritty side of reconstructing fossils my advice is: learn Zbrush, learn photogrametry, and learn 3D printing.

Now, onto molding and casting. This is the biggest part of what we do. This process involves taking the original fossil (or a high quality 3D print of it made using the aforementioned techniques) and using high resolution silicone to create a cast of it. This cast is then filled using a two part liquid plastic (some large bones are rotated during this process, creating a plastic shell that is then filled with foam to cut down on weight). One the plastic sets the silicone mold is removed and a dremmel is used to trim off any excess plastic around the seams of the mold. From there the replica is assembled into its final pose on a custom welded metal support structure. Once this structure is complete the fossil is broken back down and painted. Once painting is complete the job is done and it is packed off and shipped to its new home!

So! If you want to get into this part of things I recommend looking into how silicone molding works. It takes a very good eye for forms and how liquids move to be able to make a good mold that fills properly, comes apart easily, and can be easily reuseable. Silicone molding isn't really the best "at home" project, though, as it is SUPER messy, hard to clean up, and you have to wear a respirator to be safe with it. I recommend looking for a local maker space in your area, or a local art group of some sort, just something that has an official space set up for that sort of thing. Barring that, you can also just use play-dough while you're first starting out. Find a bone, get some playdough and some quick set plaster, and just start pressing the playdough into bones, then pouring plaster into the cavity to see how your copies come out.

Other stuff that would be useful to learn: how to use a dremmel, general anatomy/how to recognize different bones, basic paleontology, and basic painting techniques like dry brushing and washes.

Hope this helps! Feel free to send me more asks if you have more questions.

#Makin' Bones #About Me #Long Post

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hawkland · 4 years ago

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Destiel fic recs #3 - the (mostly) longfic edition!

It’s been a while since my last rec post - mostly because I’ve been wallowing in a number of longer fics (50-350k!) so it’s taken me a while to have enough to talk about in one post (and boy do I talk a lot, here!)

With these longer fics, I do sometimes have some caveats with my recs - or at least reasons why they might not appeal to every Dean/Cas reader. But note that if I didn’t overall strongly recommend reading the fic I wouldn’t include it in my recs here at all, so any quibbles I bring up are minor compared to my overall enjoyment of the stories. Just, I don’t want someone to commit to a long read without knowing what they’re getting into and why it might not be their thing.

I’m still not into reading complete setting AUs at this time, but a lot/most of these are canon-divergence AUs, often written/set at the end of a season and giving an alternative take on what happened next. I love those kind of stories, as it’s often so interesting to see how fans thought of what might happen in the next season (especially when it’s better than what we actually got.)

Onto the recs & discussion behind the cut!

The Sinking Ship by UnfortunatelyObsessed (114k). This is a story that ripped my heart to pieces (in a good way!). I stayed up all night to finish reading because I simply couldn’t stop once I started on it and it gave me a massive fic hanger from all my emotions. Season 14 divergence, imagine if Dean did go into the Ma’lak box to trap Michael under the ocean with him forever...and once there, he discovers that Cas has stowed away with him. Because of course Cas would never leave Dean to such a fate on his own.

I loved literally. Every. Damn. Thing. About this fic. Cas telling Dean stories to pass the (endless) time. Their small intimate moments while realizing they can never consummate physically while trapped in the box but finding every other way to express their love. The absolute heartbreak that had me SOBBING when Michael fights for control of Dean and destroys everything they’ve built together and Cas thinks he’s lost Dean forever. Sam & Gabriel & Rowena & Claire & Jack doing everything they can to devise a plan back home to try to save them both while keeping Michael trapped. Also even just the wonderfully sensitive portrayal of aroace Jack still closely bonded with Claire and Maggie and just. And just. This is a story I’ve already re-read just to savor how much I loved it and its portrayal of everyone in TFW 2.0 and their extended family, it just hit my id in all the most incredible ways and I have nothing but absolute love for this one.

Beautiful Chaos by anyrei, mugglerock (141k). Season 9 canon-divergence, in which Dean doesn’t simply abandon Cas to fend for himself post 09x03. Instead he sets Cas up in a kind of squatter’s nest in an abandoned building near the bunker so he can keep tabs on him and help him out.

This fic definitely gets the award for FILTHIEST, HOTTEST, SMUTTIEST Dean/Cas (and Cas/other) I’ve read in, like, ever, for human!Cas turns out to be a rather insatiable sex fiend/cock slut and Dean is too up his own repressed ass to easily give Cas what he wants/needs. It is dark at times, Cas ends up in some very unsavory/non-con situations, and the authors do mention that they tried to hone in on endverse!Cas’s characterization more than what we saw in Season 9...so you might roll with it, you might not. I adored their original character Jerry the tattoo artist in this, and like I said it was seriously hot (if you are good with total bottom!Cas and Cas with others, I know those are not everyone’s cuppa). I did have a few minor issues. For one, the last chapter felt a bit rushed and hand-wavey, but clearly the authors weren’t fond of the canon conflicts of season 9 & 10 (Abbadon, Mark of Cain) and just wanted to be done with them. Can’t say I really blame them. And I did have to laugh a bit at Lebanon, Kansas apparently having such a bustling gay bar/tattoo artist/etc scene being someone from a butt-fuck nowhere American small town myself. But, SPN was never all that realistic in how Lebanon was shown (and yes I’ve spent too much time roaming around it on Google maps), so if you can suspend some disbelief this is an awesome hot/angsty/occasionally heartbreaking read.

These Forsaken Lands by destielpasta (53k). I came upon this story when looking for fics that dealt in some way with the aftermath of Godstiel. This is a wonderfully atmospheric late Season 9 “fill-in” case fic (post Meta-fiction) where Cas ends up in a small town that had been visited by Godstiel...and while initially residents have reaped much good fortune, there has suddenly been a wave of deaths/bad events and he is determined to find out what happened and set things right. He calls upon Dean for help, but Dean is fighting the Mark of Cain and it’s going to take a lot to get past its control and find a way out for both of them. Together they work on repairing an old church while trying to repair each other and their damaged relationship.

I loved this story for how well written it was, really invoking a gothic small-town/Americana atmosphere. The original characters blend in very well with the case-fic at the center of it, and the author deals really well with Cas at a very fragile point when he’s running on borrowed grace and trying to navigate Dean’s MoC-enhanced anger. It’s Dean/Cas but actually much more of a Cas character study, so I highly recommend it to my fellow/compatriot Cas-girls who love a good wallow in his head.

Mixed Emotions by Tierra469 (50k). Canon 12 “parallel” fic that then goes canon-divergent with the season finale. I actually stumbled on this while in the mood to read some Cas/ or & Mary fic after enjoying their interactions in Season 12 (don’t hate me). This is sort of two fics in one. The first half focuses mostly on filling in the gaps with some critical S12 Cas episodes, especially Cas & Mary’s developing friendship (and one night of something more). But of course Cas’s feelings for Dean (and vice-versa) are always there, and when Cas figures out a way to get his powers fully back, the question is if Dean can open himself up to be vulnerable - and express love - the way Cas needs for this to work.

This was an interesting fic in a lot of ways. I loved the author’s take on angels’ connections to their vessels and grace, it was very consistent in a way the show sometimes/often wasn’t. Cas is very Cas in not understanding privacy and personal boundaries (so he does some questionable things, admittedly, which might squick some readers). The smut is fucking HOT - though I will caution at one point it involves Cas temporarily in a younger (NOT underage) female vessel (and the story does point out Dean’s discomfort with this and some of the consent issues involved, I don’t want to spoil too much). I wanted the Mary plot resolved more than it was, but I still recommend this story strongly for the quality of the writing and unique/well-developed take on angel lore and mechanics that was quite different from what I’m used to reading.

We Are Either Here Or Not Here by petramacneary (54k) A post-season 12 fic that goes on a different tangent to how Cas returns, and what happens in the meantime. Particularly, it offers a different take on what apocalypseverse!Cas would be like—as Mary makes her own way back from that world with AU!Cas as her prisoner.

What I loved about this story: first off, BAMF!Mary is awesome here. Dean is so heartbreaking, not quite knowing what the fuck to do with this different Cas who at times is just a painful reminder of who/what Dean’s lost...but then becomes a chance for Dean to say and express some of the things he always was afraid to in the past. And when (real/our) Cas finally returns, there’s some very interesting stuff that happens with both Cas & AU!Cas and Cas & Dean that I don’t want to spoil. (And let’s also just say that when real!Cas and Dean finally get together it’s AMAZINGLY awesome. Like, hot Impala!sex. So is the artwork that goes with this story.)

You Can Keep Holding On by NorthernSparrow (353k) The longest fic I read this time around and probably the one I have the most mixed feelings about, but a while on I do keep thinking about parts of it so I do rec it with some caveats. This is a canon-divergence after the end of Season 11. Dean & Sam find Cas after he’s been blasted out of the bunker...to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. Mary isn’t in this one except for a brief appearance/visit, which Dean thinks is Amara’s gift to him. Life seems good for a while, they’re enjoying dealing with mundane problems for a change, but then Cas seems to be pulling away from the brothers, spending less and less time with them at the bunker, taking a mundane job at another Gas ‘n Sip, and clearly preoccupied by something else. Or is it someone else? Dean is worried yet finally ready to accept that Cas maybe has a girlfriend, or a boyfried, but then it turns out that is not at all what Cas has going on. It’s something far more serious than that.

Honestly I almost stopped reading when the reveal happened - it’s a subject that’s very sensitive to me from personal/family experience and not something I usually like reading in fic (especially if there is a sad ending.) So I admit I jumped ahead to read how it would end first before committing to finishing it. And I am glad I did, because the author handles the subject matter with a realism and obvious knowledge of experience as well, not how I often see it in fanfic. There are a lot of emotional ups and downs but it’s nice seeing Dean in his momma-hen/mode, and Sam is so so good in this one! I think I enjoyed Sam’s characterization here most of all! And the author has a really cool/well developed angel/wing lore that hit my wing-kink pretty hard. I do think it could have all been edited down a bit - I found myself skimming parts, especially in the last third, just to get on with things. But it’s definitely a story you can disappear into for a good long time and I’ve bookmarked the author’s other works to read later, so again, I do rec it even with a few caveats.

A few shorter fics, too, just because I don’t want to forget about them...

Eleven Erogenous Zones of a Fallen Angel by almaasi (15k) Pure gratuitous wing!kink for me :) Cas uses the last of his grace to manifest his wings...but then is stuck with them in his human form and not even able to use them to fly as he used to. This presents a lot of awkward problems to deal with but also the excuse for Dean to help him keep them clean :) I did say wing kink, right? :D :D I loved how Cas seemed confused about the pleasure signals he got from bathing vs. sex vs. grooming and all of that. It’s sweet and hot and has my favorite kind of caretaking Dean in it.

Fossil Tracks by SegaBarrett (3k). Dean & Sam & Cas and dinosaurs. How can you go wrong with that? One of the SPN stories from the Id Pro Quo collection I really enjoyed reading (and didn’t write myself, lol).

#destiel recs #my fic recs #deancas recs #fandom that ate my life hello #destiel fic recs #my destiel recs

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emberwritesinsight · 4 years ago

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Marinette and Burdens: a possibly-veering-out-of-canon-territory-meta.

Alright, time to unpack a bit of emotional vulnerability that I've managed to string together from implications that the writers probably didn't even intend because the writers are not interested in Marinette having feelings that are valid and respected.

Disclaimer: the writing is inconsistent and I'm going with a read of Marinette's character that may not fall in line with everything in canon, but I'm fine with that because canon can't even fall in line with itself half the time.

We know, from a line that was played as a joke in the first episode (I know the Bubbler is first in some airings but to be clear, the episode I'm talking about is Stormy Weather), that Marinette has trouble saying "no". She clearly didn't want to babysit, and she seems to have had bad experiences with it in the past. But she says she just "couldn't say no", with a look of guilt on her face.

At the end of the episode she manages to say no to Manon, but an interesting thing to note is that she wouldn't have been refusing Manon by refusing to babysit, she would have been refusing Manon's mother. Now, at the time I assumed this was a side effect of her almost pathological niceness- after all, being kind and accommodating can sometimes slide into being a doormat if taken too far. But combined with the other stuff... Well.

(It should be noted that Marinette seems to have trouble with specifically saying no to services, not in general. She says no to Chat Noir on the regular, so it's an important distinction.

We also know that Marinette usually has no problems with the concept of being Ladybug- any doubts she has are more linked to her doubting her ability to protect people rather than the fact that she is a teenager being expected to carry the weight of the city and the world and that's kind of screwed up when you think about it. Now, the writing reason for this is simple: the show is marketed towards kids, so the hero is someone aged closer to the target audience. But I'm beginning to suspect there's an in-universe reason as well, and then we get to Gamer 2.0.

And OH BOY, does this episode have IMPLICATIONS.

The civilian plot of this episode is, to put it simply, that Marinette has too much on her plate. I'm not even going to TRY to tackle the ending of that episode because I would just start ranting, but suffice it to say, it would've been better if it were about time management.

Marinette's inability to say no to a job is back in full swing in this episode, although it's more implied than stated. She only refuses to a task once she is so loaded that it would be quite literally impossible to take on any more work.

The interesting thing about Marinette's packed schedule compared to say, Adrien's, is that it's implied she took on all that responsibility by choice. The schoolwork was unavoidable, but the t-shirt making? The album cover? Surely those could have been arranged differently.

Marinette is on the brink of collapse in this episode, but still she never gets angry at the people who put this stress on her- not once does she complain about the school giving too much homework, for example.

Look, I'll say it straight right here. I think Marinette has serious issues with knowing how much responsibility she should take on. In general, throughout the series, unless it directly grinds against her moral compass, Marinette is helpful to a fault.

And the strangest thing is, this doesn't seem to be her natural instinct all the time. People forget this, but she was actively arguing with Chloe over the Seat Thing™ in Origins. She actively antagonizes Lila multiple times. She is not universally sweet and accommodating. Which frankly makes this dysfunction of hers even more concerning.

Which brings us to Marinette's relationship with responsibility.

The fact is, Marinette's relationship with responsibility is toxic and it is slowly killing her mental health. She both willingly takes on a ridiculous amount of work and lets people force it on her. She takes on the weight of being Ladybug and keeping it a secret, even though we see that she doesn't like having to lie to her loved ones. Honestly, I would be lashing out at Tikki and later Master Fu for putting her in this position if I were her.

Marinette thinks it is her job to do everything, fix everything. She doesn't refuse or reschedule a job because she's convinced it would genuinely hurt the person she is saying no to. That she would actually be causing harm by prioritizing her comfort and mental health over what other people need her to do.

Now, if you're like me, you're probably reading that that and thinking:

"Wow, if that's really how her brain works, than becoming a superhero, a job where not doing it will literally cost people their lives, whose power is to literally fix everything might not have been good for her mental health."

And you would be 100% right! Because that mindset is super, SUPER unhealthy and I'm convinced being Ladybug made it exponentially worse. And even assuming she wasn't like this pre-series (which I doubt), she definitely is now.

I'm going to be honest, if she was like this pre-series, I don't know why, not for certain. But considering the kinds of teachers Francois DuPont employs, who encourage their students to take responsibility for resolving conflict and setting a good example, I myself have made a few assumptions. But what I do know is that this is some seriously unhealthy, self-destructive shit.

And it is reinforced by EVERYONE.

Tikki, Fu, Ms. Bustier, Chat Noir, EVERYONE expects Marinette to take on more of a burden than she can reasonably handle. And somewhere along the line, Marinette accepted that herself.

"I am the servant hero. It's my job to do this. If I don't, who will? "

The answer to that ending question should obviously be, "a responsible adult". But the ML universe doesn't seem to have those, so.

Marinette is, barring strange writing decisions, a kind and helpful person. And these two objectively good qualities, ESPECIALLY the latter, have been twisted so far by circumstance that it is downright scary. Honestly, I'd say it's only a matter of time before she shatters completely.

Now, this isn't to say this is the only explanation. Marinette's poor time management, for example, could be another symptom of her heavily implied ADHD. But I felt like going the darker route today.

#ml writers salt #just because I take shots at them #who's ready to discuss Marinette's possible dysfunctions? I am!#marinette deserves better #she deserves to have these dysfunctions explored #she deserves to be complicated #she deserves therapy #so so much therapy

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headcans-oneshots-and-stuff · 4 years ago

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Stubborn

Warning: TW: Dark themes, Yandere, kidnapping, slight abuse (if you squint) Word count: 2,5k Summary: Bakugo had always thought he needed someone stubborn by his side, so why isn’t he happy when he finds just that in his new girlfriend? It doesn’t take long until he realizes that stubborn is never what he wanted. No. It’s obidient. And as destiny will have it, you, his best childhood friend, tend to be just that Pairing: Yandere!Bakugo x Batfam

A/N: So I have no reason to write this, but I had this small scene in my head and BAM! this existed. And why not share it, amiright? I’ll also post a request later today or tomorrow, but I just wanted to get this out there. Hope you enjoy

Bakugo had always thought he needed someone stubborn by his side. Someone who stood up for themselves and wouldn’t just take his shit as some other extras would. In his mind, it was a logical assumption. He was well aware that he was a (quite literal) hot-head. He tended to let his aggression get the best of him and, even though that calmed down the older he got, it was still an established fact in his life as a pro-hero. That was why he agreed to go out with her. She was, admittedly, attractive. She wouldn’t really be called pretty, but definitely hot. A slender body with curves in all the right places and long, flawless pink hair that ended just over her waist, lashes that when battered could get her just about everywhere and everything. It also very much helped that she was well aware of her good looks. She never wore anything borderline inappropriate or skimpy, but she took care of the fact that her clothes were bringing out her features and would give her other advantages, like the hells she wore that made her already rather tall form stand even taller at about 5’6 feet. Even though that still wasn’t exceptionally high, she still liked to tower over everyone she could tower over. She and Bakugo were both masters of intimidating, even if they used very different methods. Trat wasn’t the only thing that made them alike, she also had quite the temper, something that had to be reckoned with when meeting with her, but she wasn’t as much aggressive as she was stubborn and headstrong. She was just what Bakugo needed. So, when he had tried to save her from getting robbed while he was on patrol and she just scoffed and kicked the robber so hard in a place that the sun won’t shine at, calmly taking her purse back and acting as if nothing happened, he was somewhat impressed. And when she touched his arm and invited him inside he didn’t say no. After that she was a part of his life, quickly filling the empty spot of his girlfriend. And a month or two everything was nice, he enjoyed the romantic and sexual attention that she gave him and he found himself entranced by the way she would talk back to him when she didn’t like something. He even liked her enough to introduce her to the most important people that he had in his life. His best friends. After graduating and finally fulfilling his dream of being a pro-hero he had managed to keep in more-or-less close contact with his old classmates, but he and his squad were almost as close as ever, if not more. They met up about twice a month in the complete group and individual pairs whenever they felt like it, but it was safe to say that the group of friends had stayed the same way they always have been, just with the difference that they were now of legal age to drink. So - of course - the next time they met up, this time with the additional plus one on Bakugo’s side, they met at a bar that was conveniently placed between all of their homes. Because he was somewhat nervous, even though he wouldn’t admit it if you held a gun to his head, Bakugo decided to come ten minutes earlier than the time they had agreed to meet up and ordered drinks for him and his girlfriend. After that, the others slowly joined, first was Sero, then Kirishima, Ashido and Kaminari, but one person stayed missing from the group. Bakugo wanted to ask where you were staying and why you took so long, but when all the attention turned on him and his new relationship the question was lost in the void of his mind. Especially considering that only ten minutes after, the original excitement about meeting Bakugos girlfriend gone for the group, even though they were still milking her with questions, you came in with a small smile on your face like you weren’t even realizing you were late and joined them. Your hot-headed best friend asked you what had taken you so long after you had introduced yourself to the new person in the group and congratulated them on getting together, but you had just shrugged it off as no big deal. Bakugo forgot about it.

Bakugo had always thought he needed someone stubborn by his side, but Bakugo soon realized that that assumption was wrong. All the things he thought would be great about someone as headstrong as he was turned out to be annoyances. The things that he liked about her in the first months soon turned into things he hated with a burning passion. Just once he wanted her to shut up and actually listen to him. It started with small things. Like when he told her that he didn’t want to go out after a particularly rough day at work and she just whined and complained until he had enough and went along, or that one time when the two of them had a normal conversation about a type of food and she completely refused to accept a fact that he told her (and even, later on, found references for) - it wasn’t even like it was something that was against her or her believes, just something she had assumed wrong and still refused to back down about. Just so that she could come out of the fight as the winning party. And it just continued and got more and more, every little thing became a full-blown fight and she seemingly made it her personal mission to disobey and work against him as much as she could. He quickly figured out that you can’t fight fire with fire, that having a stubborn person like himself constantly clash with someone so similar was bound to fail and he hadn’t thought his original belief through. He even talked about it with you and Kirishima, debatably the closest of friends he had, and while you were as shy and quiet as you had been ever since going to school with him and Midoriya, both you and Kirishima agreed that it would be the best for everyone involved if you’d just break things off with her. With that the decision was basically set in stone, the only thing left was actually acting on the words so Bakugo spent the whole way home thinking about how he’d say it, what he’d do. But his mind wasn’t completely on track. Because besides the possible breaking-offs that he went through he also found himself thinking about who would fit better to him and while walking home surrounded by the lights of the city it was like he had an Enlightenment. He never needed someone stubborn, no, he needed someone obedient. Someone who wouldn’t fight him on his every word and would let him protect and care for them. That thought was the beginning of the end. When he finally comes home he’s lucky that he hadn’t yet asked her or had been asked by her if they could move together, but that happiness was quickly ruined by the load of missed calls and messages that she had left him. Exhausted and longing for someone he wasn’t even sure existed he went to bed and decided he’d deal with his little problem the day after. When he left work the next day during his break to catch some air and meet up with you, who worked not too far away in you own little pro-hero themed bakery, the thoughts of the before standing evening were still heavy in his mind, especially his newfound clearance on just what qualities his partner actually had to have. The smell of baked bread and sweets, the smell that somehow had surrounded you ever since you had been a child who played with him and Midoryia on the playground, greeted him in a wave of warm air when she opened the door and the familiar ring of the small bell hanging over it filled his ears. A sense of content filled him that he only had with you. The same content was the reason that you were still friends in the first place. Back when it was still him, Izuku and you, he always felt a bit jealous about how much more you were like Izuku, even though you weren’t quite as curious or cheery as he was, you were still a happy, calm kid with a tendency to stay on the more quiet side. So naturally, people would assume that after Bakugo developed his quirk - and Izuku didn’t, starting a long cycle of bullying and maybe even abuse from the blond hot-head - you would’ve stayed with the little green bean, and so did Bakugo. But he didn’t want that. He liked the feeling he had when he hung out with you and he was different with you, less angry and more tolerable. So he became almost possessive and incredibly jealous when it concerned you. He made sure that you stayed his friend, but - to come to his defence a little bit - he still “let” you be friends with Izuku, just as long as he still got the majority of your attention and love. As you grew up he lost most of that behaviour and exchanged it for a normal level of friendly protectiveness, enough that he made sure that you were okay and texted you almost every day while he was at school, but not as much that you couldn’t have other friends or your own life. Bakugo was especially happy when he introduced you to his other friends the first time and, even though your and their personalities practically crashed against each other, you bonded incredibly fast and became a member of his little squad. Something about these memories made his mind a little bit fuzzy, but everything came to a sudden halt when he heard an all too familiar - at this point almost dreaded - laugh. He felt like he had whiplash at the speed at which his head snapped to the side and he caught sight of his hopefully soon ex-girlfriend standing at the counter in front of a very-clearly confused looking you. His wish to have his peace from her at least until the evening burst into a thousand little bubbles and he found himself confronted by the inevitable. Bakugo planned to take her out of the bakery as to not cause a scene and explain to her that it was over, but everything changed when he heard a comment she made directed towards you before she even knew he was there. It was said in a nice voice, but with a venomous undertone, a comment about how weird it was that a Pro-Hero like Bakugo, someone so great and influential, was spending any time with a push-over like you. Something inside him snapped and he had to admit that his now definitely ex-girlfriends shoulder most likely didn’t stay unharmed at how hard he tugged at it to turn her around, not to mention the added pops of explosions that he couldn’t - and just maybe didn’t want to - hold back. He ended things right there and then, leaving her running out of the bakery crying and you looking at him shocked. Bakugo almost expected you to have a go at him about how horrible he behaved and about how mean he was, but you said nothing. Well, not nothing, no, you did say something. You thanked him - in a rather timid voice - for defending you. It was at this moment Bakugo realized what had always been before him.

Bakugo had always thought he needed someone stubborn by his side, but he found himself proven wrong when he suddenly saw that the person he needed was you. His quiet, shy, obedient best friend. No, you were always more than that and he had just never realized it. You were his soulmate. Yes, why else did you fit together to perfection in his mind? Not to mention that you definitely needed him. Your quirk wasn’t anything that could be used in a fight - not that he wanted you anywhere near a fight anyways - and you tended to let people walk and talk over you (which admittedly is somewhat his fault too, since he tended to walk and talk over you quite a lot in your life) so you needed someone to protect and care for you, right? Someone like him. When he looked at you from then on he felt something he had never, ever, felt before. Desperation, almost a need, to have you with him, no, even more: To have you. At first, he realized that what he was thinking wasn’t completely right, that all these thoughts about scooping you up and bringing you away, somewhere no-one else could get to, weren’t normal. But even as he fell back into a similar behaviour pattern of possessiveness, jealousness and obsessiveness that he had already shown in his childhood you never complained, never drew back from him. So clearly, you must love him too right? You must want him to be with you, to take you away. After that it’s only a question of time until kidnapping you - or saving you as he sees it - becomes a completely rational thing for Bakugo to do. He’ll buy a house not too far away from the city so that he could still be at work on time, but in a neighbourhood where you weren’t in any danger and he made it completely escape-proof. He told himself that it was to keep any intruders out, but really even he knew that it was to keep you in. He couldn’t even bear the thought of not seeing you for a day at this point. He’ll take you when you least expect it and he’ll make sure that no-one ever finds out that he was the one who took you. He’ll even lead the investigations and join the search parties that he and his friends would surely organise, but nothing would ever come from it. At least not until you finally realized that he hadn’t lost his mind, that you were meant for him, and accepted your spot at his side. Then he’d miraculously find a long-forgotten hint that would lead him right to were you were being kept and he’d accept you into his house after your apartment and bakery have long been sold to someone else and it wouldn’t be too unbelievable that you just happened to fall in love with him then, right? Of course, he knew it would take a while until that could happen, he knew that it must be hard for you to come to terms with just how much the two of you loved each other and - even though he’d rather have you already back to your calm, happy, obedient self - he was willing to live through your little tantrums and moods until you finally settled down with him. It was bound to happen sooner or later…

Bakugo had never needed someone stubborn by his side, he now knows, he had needed you.

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bag-chips · 4 years ago

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(Apologies for the length, messy handwriting poor quality uwu)

I binged all the Mechanisms albums in one day and became utterly obsessed with the idea of them being Jon’s uni band. On top of this I got thinking about the theatre lines in MAG 172. Ergo, here’s a master post of various Mechanism!Jon and Theatre!Jon scenarios! (it’s mainly Jonmartin fluff I’m not going to lie to you). It took four days. Last night I stayed up till nearly four trying to get it done cos I hate myself ;)

1) My design for Mechanism Jon. He’s absolutely one of those guys who grow excessive facial hair to look older and more mature. And, oh look! Some JonGeorgie stuff. Rather than being a member of the band, I’d like to think she acts as the behind the scenes manager, helping out with bookings lighting and costumes. It will become apparent that Jon is like my fave and I’m soft for this stupid little man.

2) Depressed S3 Jon with the Admiral. Jon prefers to not talk about the band, especially since most of the Archival staff make fun of him for it anyway. However, he absolutely ends up quoting Mech songs when he’s on his own, especially when emotionally compromised. The aftermath of this little sketch would be Jon spitting out the whisky and nearly throwing up because he hates the taste and can only really stand very weak alcoholic drinks (hey hi hello I’m projecting).

Stupid sketch of him taking part in a Shakespeare production. Jon was and still is a theatre kid, taking part in any play or musical he could during his uni years. He’s a dramatic little bitch but damn does he have a fantastic stage pressence. Georgie proudly supports him from behind the curtain.

3) Martin finds out about the Mechanisms through Tim, who uses the material to expertly tease Jon. Martin finds pictures. Martin’s crush is cemented he is homosexual he is transfixed by the images. This leads to him listening to the albums, which outside of them being by his crush he genuially does love them. He often finds himself listening to them whilst working around the Archives, but takes great efforts to hide his love of the Mechs from a curious Jon.

4) Everyone at the Archives knows about the band. Tim and Melanie are the lead culprits in mocking him about it, especially in the tense work environment of S3. (For context Mechanism shows had the tradition of Jonny De’Ville claiming he was the captain, with Gunpowder Tim and the audience then proclaiming that no he’s the first mate Jonny stop Jonny no. Go listen to the Death of the Mechanisms you’ll see).

5) Post-MAG172 argument. Who will win? The poetry nerd or the theatre kid?

6) (Read downwards until the next row the layouts weird cos I sketched it whilst sleep deprived at 2am ;) ). Jonmartin fluff!

TMA is a tragedy. Listening to the Mechanism albums has made that very clear. So the next couple of images would be set in a happy ending AU fuck u they’re going to get married let me dream.

7) (Apologies for the weird writing again sleep deprived). Jon wants to fulfill his side of the bargain and take Martin to the theatre. After many trips to Georgie’s and a lot of planning, Jon decides to take them on a date to see Cats at the West End, since it turns out Martin knows the original poems. Thing is, this is their first proper date. And it so happens to conicide with their first anniversary. And Jon wants to spoil Martin with an engagement present as an apology (Jon ruined the proposal with his eye powers). Jon wants to go big. And it just so happens that Elias left a lot of money. He decides to go ham and get them a private box. He gets Georgie to book it for them since he wants it to be a surprise and despite his Eldritch mind google he can’t figure out how to work a laptop.

Martin is told he’s going to the theatre. However it takes until they’re collecting the tickets at the front desk for Jon to reveal the seats and thus allude to the expenses. Martin has always worried about money given his upbringing, and panics, nearly having a full blown argument with Jon in front of the ticket man. Jon really should have listened to Georgie’s warnings.

8) (The Wikipedia text box thing was inspired by a brilliant TMA comic, once I find it again I’ll link it!) Jon is very much excited for the perfomance, and infodumps about it. Martin is still annoyed about the expense of the date but starts to relax and mellow out once he gets a glass of wine in his hand and a quiet moment to listen to his fiancée talk passionately about something.

9) The gays get ice cream and discuss who’s the prettiest actor in the interval. Martin is very much wired to how Jon works now, and uses the conversation to calm him down a bit (I think Jon was very much concerned that Martin might leave him over this bless that man).

10) The couple head home after a few quiet drinks at the bar. Jon is exchausted - mentally strained by the worry of perfecting the date, his emotional investment into the show and the two glasses of wine he had. Martin forgives him for the excessive nature of the trip, but would be lying is he said he didn’t enioy the show (even if it was mainly experiencing it through Jon’s expressive face, investment and him mouthing the lyrics quietly to himself). He’s going to ask if they can maybe listen to a different musical album whilst Jon recovers from his inevitable hangover tomorrow, but first he needs to gently carry his pissed and sleepy partner up to bed.

I wanted to draw soft things I’m sorry I love this podcast with all my heart have a nice day

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songtoyou · 4 years ago

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Chapter 6: Earned It

Tolerate It

Paring: Modern!Tommy Shelby x Original Female Character

Story Rating: R (No minors should read this fic).

Word Count: 2,187

Warnings: This chapter is very smutty. Male receiving. Female receiving. Bondage. Flogging.

Description: Tommy Shelby is the owner and CEO of Shelby Company Limited. Starting out as a Bookmaker, Tommy had big ideas to expand his riches. In the past ten years, the company has grown rapidly to expand its business ventures from bars to producing alcohol, manufacturing motor vehicle parts, and exporting. One of the richest men in Great Britain, Tommy Shelby, has it all. Unfortunately, the death of his wife, Grace, left the multi-millionaire mogul alone and depressed. He needed someone to fulfill his needs and deepest darkest desires.

Chapter Summary: Tommy takes Rose back to his place after the gala for some fun and much-needed stress relief. He continues to pry more into Rose's personal life.

A/N: I am still getting used to writing smut. I hope I did this chapter justice.

I do not permit my work to be posted on any other site without my permission.

Tag list: @owenniasstars

The drive to Tommy's home was quiet. Rose looked out the window as they entered the upscale London neighborhood. The homes were beautiful. Before Tommy pulled the car into his underground garage, Rose could make out the spacious townhouse. With the car in park, Rose stepped out and saw a full view of the other vehicles in the garage.

"Wow," she said, noting the different set of cars, which ranged from Audis to BMWs, to a Lexus. "You actually drive all of these cars?"

"The Audi is new. Haven't tested it out properly yet," Tommy shrugged and grabbed Rose's hand to lead her to the elevator that would take them up to the townhouse.

The main part of the home was exquisite. Tommy's tastes were immaculate. Everything was so elegant and fancy, from the furniture to the art on the wall. However, Rose could tell that this wasn't a home that was "lived in" but rather that it was more for a show of Tommy's status and wealth. Everything was white and too clean. Nothing was out of place. It was all too designed. Nothing homey about Tommy's home, which didn't quite surprise Rose.

"Fancy something to drink before we start?" Tommy asked, lighting a cigarette. Rose turned to him and asked for a whisky, no ice. "Take a seat. I will be right back," he instructed Rose.

She sat on the couch and continued to look around the home. No family pictures insight, which was weird to Rose. With all its elegance and pageantry, this home was empty of any happiness or warmth.

When Tommy returned with their drinks, he sat down next to Rose on the couch. While Tommy practically downed his drink, Rose took small sips.

"Let's talk," spoke Tommy. It definitely was not a question but more of an order. He leaned back on the couch, and Rose repeated his actions.

"What do you want to talk about?" Rose asked, continuing to take small sips of her whiskey, which was really good. Unquestionably high-quality whiskey in Tommy's collection.

"You. If that is okay?"

Rose quirked an eyebrow. "What do you want to know about that you haven't looked into yourself?"

"Why did you leave Blackpool?"

"There was nothing there for me," Rose responded rather quickly, Tommy noted.

"Your parents still live in Blackpool," he noted. "Do you have any siblings?"

"No. Only child. I'm sure my parents wish they had more since I turned out to be such a disappointment. Not only did the Turners' only child have to get pregnant at sixteen, but she's a whore to boot. Yeah, they won that jackpot."

"Don't get down on yourself. You made a nice life for yourself and your son. Not many people can say that," Tommy reassured Rose.

"I guess so. This isn't exactly the career I had in mind, you know. I got…I needed a way to make a living without relying on my parents or Louis's father. The job I have at New City College never paid enough."

Tommy took a drag of his cigarette and exhaled the smoke. "What does your son think you do to bring in money? There is no way a part-time job as a program assistant at New City College provides enough."

"It doesn't. He thinks I work as a full-time Program Manager at the College. He will never find out what I actually do. Never. It would destroy him."

"What about your son's father? Is he still around?" Tommy inquired.

"He's around. Not much, but he stops by unannounced every so often. Louis's dad, Nick, keeps asking me to marry him. He's been asking since I got pregnant all those years ago," she revealed.

"Sounds noble of him. Why do you keep turning him down?"

"Because I don't love Nick, and he isn't exactly a good person. He has gotten into trouble. Petty crime. Some jail time. He says he has cleaned up his act, but I can't risk it, you know. Louis is still so attached to him. My son is the one I worry about getting his heart broken in all of this if his dad and I didn't work out. Which I already know we won't," Rose shared with Tommy. "You knew about Nick, didn't you? I mean, you looked into my life and my son's life. There is no reason why you wouldn't do the same to the man who got me pregnant at sixteen years old. You have too many assets to protect. You have this inquisitive need to know about everything and everyone to protect yourself. The last thing Tommy Shelby would ever want is to be blindsided. Am I right?"

Tommy downed the rest of his whiskey and loudly placed it on the coffee table with a smirk plastered on his face.

"Get undress," he ordered Rose cheekily and sat deep on the couch.

"Did I hit a nerve, Mr. Shelby?" Rose teased while starting with her shoes. "The questioning stops when I turn the tables on you, huh."

When Rose got her shoes off, she asked Tommy to help unzip the back of the dress. He did so but made sure to graze his hand against her back.

With the dress off, Rose was standing in her fancy bra and underwear that Tommy purchased. He reached for Rose and guided her on his lap. Cupping Rose's breasts, Tommy gave them a hard squeeze and ran his hands down to her ass. Rose leaned in to capture Tommy's lips while running her own hands up his chest. She pulled off his suspenders and untucked his shirt.

"Just rip it off," Tommy ordered, "I can get a new one."

Ripping his shirt open, Rose tossed it off to the side. Tommy lifted his arms for Rose to take off his undershirt. Now completely shirtless, Rose began placing kisses all over Tommy's chest and grinding against his hard cock.

She got off his lap and got down on her knees. Rose unzipped his pants and reached inside for his cock. She began stroking it up and down and licked the precum off the tip. Tommy let out a moan that echoed throughout the room.

Soon, Rose engulfed his length into her mouth and began to bob her head up and down his shaft. It wasn't long before Tommy blew his load in her mouth, which she happily swallowed.

Before Rose could bring her mouth around him again, Tommy held her off.

"Wait," blurted Tommy while tucking himself back in his pants. For a moment, Rose was confused until Tommy mentioned taking it upstairs. She got off of the floor to him quickly and followed him. He led Rose into one of the several guest bedrooms. She saw her overnight bag in the corner. Tommy proceeded to lock the door, then close the blinds.

Reaching for Rose, Tommy wrapped his arms around her waist and placed his forehead against her own. "Tell me the words before we start?"

"Green for go. Yellow to slow down. Red for stop," Rose recited to Tommy.

"Don't ever hesitate to say Red or Yellow if anything becomes too much for you, yeah," Tommy uttered and unclipped Rose's bra and pulled down her underwear. "It has been a long day, love. I need to release all my pent-up stress and frustrations. Let me take it out on your beautiful body. Would you grant that wish, love?" Tommy asked. He wanted Rose's consent. He wanted to make sure she was okay with what he hand in store for her.

"Yes, Tommy. I consent," she replied and began to unbuckle his belt. However, Tommy stopped Rose and ordered her to the bed. She did just that and saw Tommy retreat to the closet.

When Tommy returned, he had a black duffle bag placed on the floor next to the bed. She saw he pulled out leather cuffs, a ball gag, and a Hitachi vibrator. He took cuffs and attached them to her wrists and ankles. He then got out some rope and tied each wrist to the headboard and the ankles to the end of the bed.

"You feel okay," Tommy asked, checking the ropes to make sure they were secure. "Use your words," he added when Rose only nodded her reply.

"I feel good," she answered while flexing her wrist and ankles in the cuffs to test them out.

Before Tommy got to the ball gag or Hitachi, he placed himself between Rose's legs and began rubbing his thumb along her clit. "It doesn't take much to get you wet, does it," he teased as Rose continued to grind against his thumb. He then leaned forward to trace his tongue along her folds.

The feeling of Tommy's tongue made Rose buck her hips off the bed. Tommy chuckled and used his free hand to place on her stomach to keep her in place.

When Rose was about to reach her peak, Tommy pulled away and wiped her residue from his face. She saw Tommy grab the Hitachi and bring it closer to her pussy. He spread her folds once again, placed the vibrator against her clit, and turned it on.

Starting in a low setting, Rose began moving along the vibrator to offset the sensation she felt. Whenever she was about the reach that sweet feeling of release, Tommy would pull the vibrator away. Rose would only groan in frustration. She knew Tommy was going to prolong her suffering for a while.

This continued until Rose started feeling tears sting her eyes. Tommy clicked off the vibrator once again and grabbed the extra rope that was nearby. He kept the vibrator on Rose's pussy but proceeded to tie it in place with the rope. He gave the sex toy a nice tug to make sure it stayed in place, then got off the bed. Tommy took the ball gag in his hands.

"Open," he directed Rose and placed the gag in her mouth. He secured it tightly around her head and ran his hand alongside her cheek, neck, and down to her breasts. He continued to roam her body until he reached the Hitachi and clicked it on. This time to a high setting.

"I need you to suffer for me, Rose. I need it. I crave it," Tommy began to say, "I'm going to allow you to have all the orgasms you want. I want to watch the tears stream down your face when it begins to hurt. I want to hear your muffled screams begging for me to turn the vibrator off. I want it all. So, I'm going to sit back and watch you suffer for me."

There was nothing Rose could do but endure all the pain and pleasure Tommy gave her. So, she lay there on the bed, restrained, gagged, and made to cum over and over while Tommy merely sat back and watched.

When the vibrator was switched back to its low setting, Rose opened her eyes to see Tommy standing by the bed. She could barely make out what was in his hand. It wasn't until Rose felt a stinging sensation on her stomach that she realized it was a flogger. A leather flogger from the looks of it. Tommy kept bringing it down across her breasts, stomach, thighs, and legs. He did this repeatedly, and all Rose could do was endure it.

Tommy loved the way Rose's body squirmed under the vibrator and now the flogger.

"So pretty," he said while tracing the deep red marks along her body. "Like beautiful ribbons all along your body."

After a few more hits with the flogger, Tommy put it away and upped the speed on the vibrator once again.

Rose couldn't tell how much time had passed, but by her fifth or was it sixth orgasm, everything hurt.

"That's it, love. You're almost done. I need one more out of you," Tommy encouraged as he caressed Rose's cheek while wiping away the tears. "You're doing so good," he added.

By the final orgasm, Rose let out a loud, muffled scream. Tommy turned off the vibrator, and she passed out on the bed. He took out the ball gag from Rose's mouth and wiped the excess drool from her chin. Tommy untied the vibrator from Rose's leg and unhooked the cuffs from her ankles and wrists. He began to rub back the circulation in her joints slowly. He then gently rubbed an herbal balm cream on the areas he flogged to help the irritated skin. The feeling of the cream being rubbed into her skin was soothing for Rose as she continued to lie on the bed and get her breathing under control. The session was intense but pleasurable for her. She hadn't felt that good in a long time. Yeah, it hurt, but it was a good hurt.

"How are you feeling?" Tommy asked, lying down next to Rose and wrapped his arms around her. She slowly turned more towards him to tuck herself closer to his chest.

"Good. Tired," Rose managed to say.

"Rest now, love. You've earned it."

#tommy shelby #tommy shelby x oc #peaky blinders #peaky blinders fic

19 notes · View notes

gb-fics · 3 years ago

Text

Dressed in Confidence

Fanfiction:

Kiryuuin Shou x Kyan Yutaka (Golden Bomber)

Note: So, you might have seen the self-cover Shou shared yesterday and it inspired me to write a fic right away. For the context: The character originally performing the song has a magic suit that makes him confident and popular with women. Please, don’t question how it works, we’ll just pretend a suit can magically change Shou’s appearance and personality in this fic ^-^ Also, if you haven’t seen the video, please check it out, because he is gorgeous in it and maybe it will make the story seem a little less random ... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgzL_Ccmr1Y

„Just go over and talk to her already”, Yutaka urged quietly.

He didn’t know whom of the girls Shou had set his eyes on, but the glances he kept sneaking at the group of women opposite to their booth at the bar were more than obvious. Yutaka had waited to speak up until Jun and Kenji had went over to the counter to secure new drinks for themselves though. Shou was naturally self-conscious and Yutaka hadn’t meant to make him uncomfortable in front of the others. But his silent longing was becoming hard to bear.

“I can’t just do that”, Shou protested. Obviously, he knew what Yutaka was talking about immediately. He didn’t even seem surprised that Yutaka had noticed. “I’m not some kind of gigolo.”

Yutaka frowned. Although he was pretty good at seeing Shou through, he sometimes didn’t understand his reasoning anyway.

“Chatting up girls in bars and being a gigolo are two totally different things.”

Next to him Shou squirmed on the bench seat.

“I just don’t have that kind of confidence”, he whined.

“You are handsome, famous and you have money. Women have every reason to be interested in you. So, pull yourself together.”

Yutaka had lost count of how often he had given Shou similar pep talks already.

“I’m not”, Shou said right away. He cleared his throat. “I mean, I’m famous. And I do have money. But I’m not handsome.”

It was difficult to come up with the right reply to that. Yutaka never found the right words to talk about Shou’s looks.

“You should let them decide for themselves”, he pointed out.

Shou shifted his weight again. He reached down to check for the bag he kept on the floor between his legs. He had kept checking for it all evening, as if he was scared it might suddenly disappear.

“Please, if I go over there, I won’t even be able to look them in the eyes.” Shou winced.

Yutaka hoped that Jun and Kenji would hurry. The conversation was starting to make him uneasy. He didn’t know how to cheer Shou up without praising him, and he didn’t know how to praise him without making him uncomfortable. Being Shou’s friend could be difficult.

“What’s in the bag anyway?”, he changed the topic. Not the best solution, but at least a way to distract Shou from his self-pity.

“Ah, I wrote Party wo Tomenaide for that franchise, remember? They’re currently working on this magic suit and they gave me a prototype when I recorded the video for the self-cover. It’s supposed to make you cool and confident and popular with women.”

“And you brought it to the bar?” Yutaka hadn’t meant to let disdain sneak into his voice, but Shou pulled up his shoulders instinctively as if he wanted to shield himself from potential judgement.

“Just in case”, he said defensively. “We sometimes end up talking to women, when we’re in a group and I thought it might be a good chance to try it out. See if it even works. In case there is ever something I’ll need a lot of confidence for.”

Yutaka felt soothed to think Shou had only eyed the women as test objects to sate his curiosity about the suit and that he had not fallen in love from across the room. His tendencies in that regard were sometimes worrisome.

“Well then, give it a try”, he suggested. He had heard about the suit but hadn’t known Shou actually owned a prototype. He was curious, if it would work. Shou’s confidence could surely use an occasional boost and it would be great to no longer be the one responsible for it.

“If you insist”, Shou mumbled, but he was already fumbling with his bag. It was obvious he had only waited for some sort of permission.

He pulled out a suit coat and inhaled soundly before he got up. For a moment, he just stood there with the piece of clothing in his hands indecisively. Then he slipped it on in a surprisingly smooth motion.

All Yutaka did was blink and the next second, a completely changed person stood in front of him. Shou’s traditional Tamiya shirt had miraculously transformed into a silky, black suit. It even came with matching dress shoes. But it wasn’t just that. His hair had changed, too. It was styled in perfect shape and showed green streaks that made his look seem edgy and interesting. He was even wearing makeup that differed his usual style. A bright yellow flower stuck in his buttonhole.

Shou had transformed into someone so conventionally attractive, he might indeed start working at a host club.

Absent-mindedly he straightened his suit coat and turned towards the group of women.

He looked dazzling, but almost like a stranger.

Yutaka was surprised that he hesitated for so long before approaching the women anyway. He followed him with his eyes, curious how this would turn out.

Shou’s posture seemed straighter than usually as he walked through the room, yet he still managed to look awkward. He looked like a person who was arguing with himself about every step.

Finally, he stopped right behind a cute girl with bangs. Yutaka should have been able to guess it was her whom Shou had been watching. He would have chatted up her more light-haired friend, but when it came to Shou, she was just his type.

The girl didn’t notice him, though.

Shou just stood for a moment, although her friends had already noticed him. Seemingly, Shou had no idea how to draw attention to himself. He hesitated for far too long, before he reached out and tapped the girl on the shoulder. She flinched, which caused Shou to jolt in return and the whole situation was so awkward to watch, that Yutaka winced under his breath. The good looks and the confidence to approach women had done nothing for Shou’s coolness.

The girl turned around and even from across the room, Yutaka could tell that she seemed startled at Shou’s appearance. Her expression wasn’t annoyed but spoke of pleasant surprise. If a girl looked at you like that at first sight, it was very difficult to blow it.

Even from across the room Yutaka could tell that Shou would blow it.

Instead of looking at the girl while talking, he kept his eyes on the ground and his posture shifted, making it seem as if he wanted to curl back up into himself. He looked exactly as miserable and self-conscious talking to women as he had as a teenager. Everything about his body language radiated insecurity.

Yutaka sighed.

The woman shook her head. Instead of taking it with dignity, Shou managed to look even more miserable. Knowing him, Yutaka assumed he was probably blushing. He still didn’t make eye-contact.

After a very painful minute, Shou turned around and shuffled back to their table. He no longer seemed confident at all. His outward handsomeness remained, but it didn’t match with the way he carried himself at all.

“Sorry”, Yutaka said. “At least now you know.”

Shou sat down on the bench next to him again. Yutaka noticed that he wasn’t slumping down as usual, though, but sat surprisingly straight. It made him look taller and more self-assured.

“Too bad the suit is not working.”

“Oh, I don’t mind”, Shou said and turned towards him. His voice wasn’t as quiet and gloomy as Yutaka had expected. He spoke smugly. “I’d rather spend my time with you anyway.”

Yutaka eyed him suspiciously. The makeup suited him; his features looked more contoured and his skin smooth. His lips were always wide, but tonight they glistened invitingly. It was still Shou’s face, but the makeup brought out all its good qualities more strongly.

“What?”, he asked.

“Why would I waste my time with these women, when I can spend the night with a pretty guy like you?”, Shou asked. He was meeting Yutaka’s eyes head on. That was rare for him already, but tonight his gaze was challenging rather than stubborn.

Yutaka was so irritated by his unnaturally confident tone, that it took him a moment to realize what was going on.

“Oh, ha ha, very funny”, he said dryly.

“I mean it”, Shou insisted and placed his hand on Yutaka’s shoulder. He often did that, especially when he got tipsy and he had already had a couple of beers tonight, though by no means enough to justify him acting so out of character. His touch right now felt different, however. He wasn’t just seeking out body contact, he was using the gesture as an excuse to lean in, bringing them closer together. Suddenly, Yutaka was very aware of how close Shou was sitting.

“Let me buy you a drink”, he said, before turning around. Shou usually hated calling over the waiter and when they went to a restaurant together, he normally left it to the others. He was too shy and polite to raise his voice at strangers.

Now, he raised his arm and called out loudly: “Excuse me?” to make the young waitress turn around. “A bottle of champagne, please. Your most expensive one.”

The waitress nodded and headed off.

Shou turned back to Yutaka.

“Champagne? The expensive one? What’s gotten into you?”, Yutaka asked, still irritated. Before this, he could have written it off as a joke, but Shou would never waste money just to prank him. “You never order anything high-end.”

He still felt like he was talking to a stranger.

“Nothing but the best for my kitten”, Shou said.

Yutaka chocked.

“What?! What did you just call me?”

“Kitten”, Shou repeated. He sounded hoarse. His eyes trailed down Yutaka’s body and he didn’t try to hide the fact that he was shamelessly checking him out. It made Yutaka feel unexpectedly hot.

“Unless you prefer another pet name?”

And then Shou smiled.

It wasn’t a smug, cocky smile. His smile was warm and genuine and it looked just a little bit insecure as if he worried that he had crossed a line. It made Shou look shy and kind and charming. His teeth weren’t showing, but his lips seemed even wider and absolutely gorgeous and the small dimple on his left cheek didn’t seem as misplaced as usual, but it fit in perfectly with his handsome face. The smile turned him from a stranger into nothing but Shou, but the best version of Shou that he could possibly be. It was Shou the way he would look if he were no longer worried and self-deprecating; still shy but no longer scared.

Yutaka’s knees grew weak. But it wasn’t just his knees. It was his shoulders that suddenly held no tension anymore and his arms, that turned into butter and his whole body felt like it might just melt away when Shou smiled at him like this and called him cute names.

“Uhm”, he said.

“Your champagne”, the waitress interrupted them and Yutaka turned hastily, glad for the interruption that allowed him to clear his head. Something about this suit seemed to be working at least.

The waitress placed a bucket filled with ice on the table, that held a bottle of champagne. Steam was rising from the bottleneck, indicating that it had just been opened. Yutaka hadn’t expected it to be done for them already, but it was probably better that way. They would surely have created a mess otherwise.

The bottle came with four glasses and only their sight made Yutaka realize he had completely forgotten about Jun and Kenji. He wondered what was taking them so long.

“Let me get that for you”, Shou offered, although Yutaka hadn’t moved to fix himself a glass at all.

Shou placed his fingers on Yutaka’s wrist as if he wanted to physically stop him from helping himself. Once again, the gesture wasn’t untypical for Shou. He often touched people while talking to them, but this time, it had a different quality. Usually, his touches were distracted as if he didn’t really notice what his body was doing at all. But right now, he looked down on his hand resting on Yutaka’s bare wrist, and then he looked up, meeting his eyes, as if he wanted to make absolutely sure, that Yutaka became aware of the contact. His touch was fully intentional this time and Yutaka sensed heat creeping up his neck.

The touch lasted just long enough to not feel accidental, then Shou pulled back and reached for the bottle of champagne instead. He closed his long, slender fingers around the bottleneck firmly and took up a glass. His movements were secure and controlled. Yutaka had always admired Shou’s hands, that seemed too elegant and coordinated for someone who moved the way he did. But when it came to his hands, Shou always seemed to know what he was doing.

He poured a glass of champagne without spilling a drop and held it out to Yutaka.

Yutaka thought that with all the things that had changed, Shou’s hands had stayed exactly the same.

He took the glass and Shou held his gaze for a moment. It was Yutaka, who looked away first. Shou was wearing coloured lenses and his eyes were bright and intriguing. He didn’t seem in a hurry as he poured himself a glass as well.

Yutaka watched his movements closely. He could still recognize Shou’s way of moving, but he seemed less stressed and therefore less awkward. The only real difference seemed to be, that he was relaxed for a change and Yutaka wondered, if Shou would always look this sexy, if only he managed to put him at ease more.

Shou placed the bottle back into the bucket and held up his glass to Yutaka while meeting his eyes again.

“To a night full of fun”, he said. He said it like he was thinking of something dirty.

“To a fun night”, Yutaka agreed and clinked his glass to Shou’s. He did his best to make it sound less suggestive.

He emptied half of the glass in large gulps. The champagne made him feel bubbly inside, but he doubted it was because of the alcohol. This version of Shou made him nervous.

“Tastes expensive”, he observed lamely, although he couldn’t tell one champagne from the other.

Shou smiled again and once more, Yutaka thought that his lips looked stunning tonight.

“Oh, you guys ordered champagne!”, Kenji’s voice chimed in unexpectedly.

“When did you change, Shou? Is that the magic suit?”, Jun asked and pulled up his chair to sit down opposite to them.

Although Yutaka had hoped to be rescued from this weird tension, he still felt mad at them for interrupting.

Kenji placed himself on the bench next to Shou.

“He brought the suit to the bar to pick up girls, but it doesn’t work”, Yutaka declared maliciously. He was no longer sure if he was annoyed with Jun and Kenji for showing up, or for staying away for so long, or with Shou for acting so weird in the first place.

Shou patted the bench next to himself.

“Here, Kenji, come closer”, he said.

Kenji shuffled closer.

“Why?”, he asked. It was very much like Kenji to comply first and ask questions later.

Shou raised his hand and ran his forefinger across Kenji’s sharp jawline.

“So I can get a better look at your handsome face.”

Something inside of Yutaka constricted uncomfortably. He didn’t know why he felt so upset, but he couldn’t deny that he felt jealous of Kenji. Since the suit hadn’t worked on the girls, he had assumed it was only him having this effect on Shou.

“Oh god, what’s up with you?”, Jun asked, sounding seriously worried.

Kenji gave an embarrassed sound, but started pouring champagne for him and Jun as well without waiting for an invitation.

“The suit is turning him gay”, Yutaka explained nonchalantly and emptied his own glass.

“What’s turning me gay is sitting here with such cute guys”, Shou said lightly. He didn’t sound embarrassed at all. Rather than joking, he seemed flirting.

“That’s disturbing”, Jun said somewhat too loudly. “Someone get him out of this suit!”

Shou batted his eyelashes before looking right at Jun at the other side of the table.

“Please, Jun”, he said. “If you want to undress me, all you have to do is ask.”

Jun made a startled noise that turned into a mixture between a nervous laugh and a cough.

Yutaka placed his glass on the table too soundly.

Shou turned towards him. He leaned in closely.

“Don’t be jealous, kitten”, he said lowly. “I haven’t forgotten about you.”

Yutaka wondered how Shou had noticed his feelings without even looking at him, when Yutaka had troubles naming them himself. He felt oddly happy when he heard the pet name again. Shou hadn’t used it for Jun and Kenji. Maybe that meant something.

“I’m not jealous”, he lied and reached for the bottle of champagne. “I just need more alcohol, if you’re going to stay like this.”

He poured himself the rest of the champagne until his glass was so full, it nearly overflowed, before he put the empty bottle back onto the table.

Shou pulled the flower from his buttonhole. Up close, Yutaka could tell that it was a yellow rose.

“Here”, Shou said. When his voice was so low and deep, Yutaka’s body turned into butter again. He wondered, if Shou had the same effect on Jun and Kenji while wearing the suit.

“What are you doing? Get that thing out of my face!”

“Take it”, Shou insisted. “This one is only for you. To remind you, that you’re special to me.”

Yutaka hesitated. He wished Shou would sound joking, because a joking Shou was something he knew how to deal with. He still had the feeling that he was getting pranked, but he didn’t know how to avoid it.

He took the rose gingerly and placed it on the table plate demonstratively instead of keeping it in his hands. Shou’s facial expression was impossible to read. Yutaka could not tell, if he had offended him.

“It’s empty already?!”, Kenji complained. He had taken up the champagne bottle and studied it in disbelief.

“I can order another round!”, Shou offered right away and already raised his hand, but luckily, Kenji stopped him.

“It’s fine”, he said quickly. He seemed to be a little uncomfortable around this new version of Shou as well.

“Yes, I think it’s time we all go home”, Jun confirmed.

“No!”, Shou protested. “No, no! This party can’t stop! We have to keep drinking! Let’s celebrate all night.”

“It’s late”, Kenji pointed out.

“And you seem to need rest the most”, Jun agreed.

“You should take off this suit”, Kenji added. He spoke very gently, not like he was soothing Shou, but as if he was seriously worried about him.

“They’re right”, Yutaka said softly. He realized that he was worried about Shou, too. Tonight, he seemed unpredictable and possibly reckless. “Let’s pay the bill and then I’ll take you home.”

Shou turned and looked at him cheekily.

“I see, so you want to continue the party elsewhere.” His tone left no room for wondering what kind of party he had in mind.

“What? No!”

“I’ll take you to a fancy hotel”, Shou suggested and this time, he leaned in so far that Yutaka involuntarily pulled back. “Just give me a chance. If you let me, I’ll make you feel things that no woman has ever made you feel before.”

Yutaka’s neck felt hot again and now his face started to heat as well. He thought of everything that entailed. He thought of feeling Shou inside of him.

“Just let me try”, Shou coaxed, but he no longer sounded flirtatious. He sounded like he was begging. The despair in Shou’s voice scared him. He didn’t know what to do with it.

“Shou”, he said as sternly as possible and grabbed him by the shoulder to push him back. It felt like dealing with someone, who was very, very drunk. “It’s really time you take off that suit and get some sleep.”

Shou pulled back from his touch and wrinkles were showing around the root of his nose. The lines made his face look so characteristically himself, that Yutaka felt almost relieved.

“I don’t want to”, Shou said and finally, he sounded like his stubborn self again. “I don’t want this party to end.” He seemed to be repeating the words like a spell now and gestured towards the table as if he wanted to include everything. “I don’t want this night to end. I want to stay with you all night.” He gestured towards himself. “Like this.”

Yutaka didn’t fully understand what Shou meant, but his emotions seemed so raw and honest, it pained him anyway.

“You can’t, Shou. You are not yourself.”

Shou hung his head.

“I am”, he said. “I am.”

“Hey”, Yutaka said gently and touched his arm. Jun and Kenji stayed out of the conversation like they always did, when Shou turned difficult. It was only ever Yutaka, who managed to soothe him. “You need some rest.”

“Fine”, Shou agreed reluctantly. “But you have to take me. And I’m keeping on the suit.”

“Okay.” Yutaka sighed. He figured they could argue over the details later. He looked up at their bandmates. “Why don’t you guys go pay? We’ll pay you back later. I’ll make sure Shou gets home safely. Maybe the fresh air will help.”

“Alright”, Jun agreed. The fact, that neither of them argued about splitting the bill immediately although it contained the expensive bottle of champagne proved they were all irritated by Shou.

“Come here”, Yutaka said as gently as possible and took Shou’s arm to pull him up from the bench. “Let’s get you home.”

Shou followed without resistance. He picked up his bag, that was now empty and allowed Yutaka to guide him over to the front door of the bar.

It was colder outside, although the temperatures were warm enough that they didn’t need a jacket. The cold air cleared Yutaka’s mind a little, but finally getting some distance to Shou certainly helped as well. Inside the bar, he had started to feel dizzy.

Yutaka pulled out his phone and opened an app.

“I think I’m going to call us a cab, alright? We can’t take the train with you looking like this. Also, you might try to pick up random guys, if we don’t get you home straight away.”

“You’re jealous again”, Shou observed and this time, he sounded gleeful.

“I’m not”, Yutaka muttered and requested a ride before putting the phone back into his pocket.

When he looked up, he realized Shou was standing awfully close again. The suit seemed to be making him taller as well, because Yutaka had to look up to him slightly. Maybe it was just his straight posture in combination with the heel of the dress shoes though.

“Have you heard of personal space before?”, he complained and took a step backwards.

Shou took a step forward immediately. If anything, he was standing even closer than before.

“Sorry, that my handsomeness is making you nervous”, he said with a sleek grin. Yutaka had not thought that to be sentence he would ever hear from Shou unironically.

“Uh”, Yutaka said. He had been meaning to deny it, but Shou’s face was so close now, that he forgot how to say words.

“Shh, kitten”, Shou said quietly. He reached up and cupped Yutaka’s face with both hands. His touch was gentle but very secure. Yutaka could sense how bony and strong his fingers felt. They were surprisingly cool.

He knew that he was supposed to pull back, but he stood frozen, and he felt guilty for that. He knew that Shou was not himself and it was up to him to keep the situation from getting weird. But truth was, that he liked the way Shou touched him and he liked it when he held his gaze for so long and he liked it, when he called him kitten.

“Don’t”, he forced out softly anyway. “You can’t just do something like that in public.”

They were the only ones out on the street, but someone might walk out of the bar any moment. Anyone could see them.

“I don’t care”, Shou said. “I don’t want to worry about who could possibly see us. I’m tired of always worrying. I just want to kiss you.” He paused. “May I?”

Yutaka knew exactly what the answer was supposed to be. Under no circumstances could he allow this to happen, because it was reckless and dumb and moreover immoral.

“Yes”, he whispered.

Shou leaned in and kissed him with astonishing force. His kiss wasn’t hesitant at all. He kissed like he knew what he wanted. His lips were soft and his hold on Yutaka was firm. It made him feel very safe and oddly frail. He parted his lips and allowed Shou to kiss him like no one had ever kissed him in a public space before. Their teeth clicked together and Shou’s nose brushed his cheek and when he pulled back eventually, Yutaka was out of breath.

Shou looked at him and he broke into that sweet, bashful smile again, that looked so much like him, except lighter and happier than Yutaka had ever seen him before.

For a moment, he thought that he might just give in. He considered going back to a hotel with this new version of Shou, who would hold him in his strong arms and whisper sweet nothings into his ear and kiss him full of confidence. Yutaka would grow weak in his arms, because he was handsome and cool and self-assured.

But it wasn’t real.

“Stop it”, he said as gently as possible as Shou moved to lean in once again. “This is no good.”

“We can go somewhere more private”, Shou offered immediately.

Yutaka shook his head.

“It’s this suit. There is something wrong with it. It obviously works on men instead of women. It’s making you weird. You need to take it off.”

“No, no, please”, Shou said and he reached up instinctively, clawing his hand into the lapel of the suit coat as if he was scared Yutaka might try to tear it off. “This suit is not changing me. It’s just making me more confident. It’s … This is me. This is the version of me that’s in my head. It’s who I want to be. All the time. I don’t want to … I can’t let this end. I want to stay this version. I don’t want this party to end.” Vaguely he gestured back to the bar.

“So, you want to be someone, who promiscuously hits on all of his bandmates?” It had been meant as a joke, but it came out bitter. The way Shou had touched Kenji’s face made their kiss just now meaningless – regardless of whenever it was the suit or something Shou repressed violently.

“I want to be someone who is at terms with and open about his sexuality”, Shou blurted out.

Yutaka was pretty sure that the surprised was written all over his face. Before tonight, Shou had never indicated liking men at all.

“I want to be able to joke about it”, Shou said. “I don’t want to hide from the people closest to me. But most importantly, I want to show you how I feel. You’re the person I …”

He finally let go of his suit coat and his arm dropped down by his side as if he no longer had the energy to gesture at all.

“I wanted to try if the suit worked. I thought, if it does, I’d one day wear it to tell you. I wasn’t meaning to do it right away. Things got out of hand. I was scared of this night ending, because … I don’t know what will come afterwards.”

Yutaka licked his lips.

“So, you …?”, he started, but didn’t know how to finish the question.

“Yeah”, Shou confirmed. “I love you. And when I’m wearing this suit … when I’m wearing it, I’m cool and handsome. I’ll keep wearing it. And if you give me a chance, I think I can make you like me a little too. You allowed me to kiss you like this. You are at least somewhat attracted to me in this suit. I can be this version of myself for you. I’ll keep being it.”

Yutaka shook his head slightly.

“What are you going to do?” He wasn’t mocking Shou. He was sad, because Shou sounded so desperate. “Keep wearing the suit in your sleep?”

Shou shrugged and smiled helplessly.

“I hope they’ll design magic pyjamas soon”, he said.

Yutaka looked at Shou and all he saw was a handsome host. He had no idea where the despair in his voice was coming from. It was as if he couldn’t see below the pretty surface at all.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?”, Shou plead. “I confessed to you. Don’t I deserve an answer?”

“Please, take off the suit”, Yutaka said. He suddenly felt exhausted. He was tired of dealing with this person in front of him. He just wanted to talk to his friend. “I want to give you a proper reply, but I can’t when you are wearing this suit.”

“It makes me better”, Shou insisted.

“This …” Yutaka gestured towards Shou and the green streaks in his hair. “I feel like I’m talking to a stranger. I need to make sure it’s really you.”

Shou looked at him for a long time and Yutaka was convinced he would decline. But then he nodded and slowly took off the suit coat.

He blinked and then Shou was already different.

He was back in his Tamiya shirt, his arms bare and pale and awkwardly holding on to the suit coat. His hair was blonde again and looked uncombed because he had run his hands through it early this evening. His face was flushed and bare and his eyes were tiny, but dark and so much warmer than when he was wearing coloured lenses. He kept his eyes cast down and yet Yutaka had the feeling he was seeing them for the first time tonight. He seemed small, hunched over once again and his head too large for his shoulders, making him look frail and in need of protection.

Yutaka felt a giant wave of affection rushing through him and he had to stop himself from wrapping his arms around Shou.

He had missed him. He had missed him so much more than he had ever expected. And he thought that this awkward little guy with the small eyes and the messy hair was the most beautiful version of a human being possible.

“Hey”, he said quietly.

Shou looked up briefly, but he didn’t manage to hold his gaze for too long, just as it had always been.

“Hey”, he replied.

“Do you …?” Yutaka broke off. For a moment, he considered that Shou might have forgotten about everything that had happened tonight. “Do you still feel the same? Without the suit?”

“Yeah”, Shou confirmed. “The same. Plus, an awful lot of regret for saying it out loud.”

Yutaka chuckled.

“I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable.” Shou looked down onto the suit coat in his hands. His hands still looked the same. “I behaved awful tonight. Sorry for putting you into a position like this. Let’s just forget I ever said anything. In fact, let’s just forget about this entire night.”

Worried lines were showing everywhere on Shou’s face. His face looked all weird and wrinkly. He looked like his old gloomy, over-thinking self again.

“I should probably burn this thing to make sure I never do anything this stupid again.”

“You probably should”, Yutaka agreed.

Shou had looked happier when wearing the suit, more relaxed. Yutaka wanted him to look this happy always, but he knew they’d have to find a different way for that.

“Sorry”, Shou mumbled again.

Yutaka paused for a moment.

“Though, if I’m honest, I’m going to miss you calling me your kitten”, he confessed jokingly.

Shou looked irritated. Yutaka let him suffer for just a few seconds more.

“I’m also going to miss you kissing me”, he added.

Shou looked up and sucked in his lower lip. His teeth were showing visibly. He looked by no means conventionally attractive and Yutaka loved him for that.

“Really?”, Shou asked insecurely.

“Really”, Yutaka assured him without hesitation.

Shou started smiling and it was the same smile as before. The warm one with the cute dimple, that made his lips look gorgeous and that was shy and hesitant, but finally happy without a trace of worry. And Yutaka thought, that they were going to get there and that they wouldn’t need a magic suit for it at all.

“We can always work on that”, Shou said. “Right, kitten?”

#Golden Bomber #Kiryuuin Shou #Kyan Yutaka #kirikyan #fanfiction #fanfic

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deejadabbles · 4 years ago

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A Thousand Songs (Atem/Yami x Reader)

Chapter Three: I Love You

One /// Two /// Three /// Four /// [Five Coming Soon]

Summary: You knew that you and your band could make it big. Not only that, but stay together while doing it; the five of you were family, after all. The only problem was that despite all your musical talents...none of you were particularly good at lyrics. After years of struggling to put out your first full album, the solution finally made himself know in chance meeting on an empty stage.

Rock Band AU, Atem x Reader, gender neutral reader.

Atem’s mind was still reeling as he parked his car in the lot of his building. It had been a normal and rather mundane day at first; he woke, made breakfast, ran his errands, then went to rehearsal. The rehearsal was particularly boring, considering he already memorized their new set of songs for the next show (good thing this was the last few days of rehearsal before the new show debuted). It was likely that very boredom that gave Atem his wistful thought as he packed away his violin. Everyone else had gone, bidding him good night or not even speaking to him as they moved on to their own plans for the night, and Atem found himself alone in the theatre. The stage had always held a bit of...glamour to Atem, and a simple walk around the grand set alone had got him daydreaming- which turned into him singing.

The young man sighed to himself as he rode the elevator up to his floor. He had thought he was singing to himself, that the theatre was empty save for himself and the janitor who was usually outside smoking that time of night. Imagine his surprise when an audience of one had ambushed him the moment his solo was done. He let out another sigh as the elevator stopped.

Atem was careful when opening his door, and the reason why made herself apparent when a delicate ‘mew’ greeted him.

“Hello, Bastet,” he greeted the gray tabby as she rubbed her chin against the door, trying as always to explore beyond the confines of the penthouse.

He scooped her up into his arms as he shut the door, then wandered to the kitchen as his mind continued to replay the odd incident at the theatre. Despite Atem’s shock, the boy- Yugi’s enthusiasm actually made Atem...consider the out-of-the-blue proposal. Him, a first chair violinist, write songs for some rock band? The idea seemed ludicrous at first glance... but, Atem would not deny his interest.

After setting Bastet down on the leather stool by the breakfast bar, Atem pulled out the black business card from his coat pocket, the title “The Dark Magicians” being the first golden text that caught his eye. The name had captured Atem’s interest from the start, though he couldn’t be sure if the name had anything to do with his favorite card from the old Duel Monsters game.

Behind the name of the band, was a circular logo (again, a bit reminiscent of the duel monster) and Atem recognized the symbols of the zodiacs, as well as some other markings he vaguely remembered seeing somewhere, but couldn’t place the meaning of in the moment. Atem then flipped the card over and saw what looked like the names of their social media accounts, but only got a brief glimpse at it before a tug on his coat got his attention.

“Mowo?”

Atem looked down and found Bastet, claws tugging at him and eyes looking expectant. He found himself chuckling and giving her a gentle scratch on the head.

“Sorry, Bastet, you must be hungry, I’ll make us some dinner.”

After finally taking off his coat (the black fabric now covered in his kitten’s fur) Atem turned on his speakers, started his playlist, and got started on dinner: a beef-based stir fry for him, and a can of Fancy Feast for the spoiled cat who wove between his legs the whole time he tried to prepare the meals. And of course, because she really was just that spoiled, Bastet got a small spoon full of his own dinner before he retired to the living room.

Atem kept his music playing as he ate, preferring to get lost in his thoughts rather than his favorite shows; and again Yugi’s proposal swam into his mind and occupied him.

The whole thought was ridiculous, he knew nothing about Yugi or his band, why was he even thinking about writing songs for them? Songwriting was just a hobby for him, it always had been. The orchestra was his career, and though his father had gotten him singing lessons when he was younger, Atem had never truly entertained the idea of making that voice and his lyrics into anything more than a personal amusement. Well, at least not seriously.

Well, and didn’t it say something that Yugi had been so drawn to Atem’s song? The young man had seemed so excited, so sure when he said that he thought Atem was the perfect match for his band. Atem believed in fate, and that had been the first time he sang publicly since he was a child...what were the chances that someone looking for a songwriter would be listening? Not only that, but be so enthralled with the song that he practically bounded down the row of seats to talk with Atem?

As he finished off the last bites of his meal, Atem picked up the card again, looking over the accounts listed on the back. There was one for Youtube and Atem figured that would be a good place to start if he wanted to see what he thought about this band.

He quickly searched the band on the app via his TV (might as well see them on the big screen) and was not surprised with what he saw at first. Their icon was the same logo from the card and they barely had a few thousand subscribers. A small-time group just trying to leave their musical mark on the world. What did surprise him was that they had almost fifty videos posted- though a quick look through their content said that most of them were “band vlogs”.

Their banner picture was nice, all of the band members in the throws of a song with multicolored lights blooming behind them. The picture displayed all five of the members, the framing purposefully showing all of them so no one was left out or hidden behind another member.

Atem of course recognized Yugi first and was intrigued to find the young man working a set of turntables. An odd addition for a rock band- though now that he thought about it, Yugi never actually said what type of band they were. Soon enough, Atem found his eyes drifting to the other members. There was an energetic looking blond pounding on the drums and a brunette woman who had some soul playing the keyboard. Then there were the two guitarists, and the lead guitar player seemed to also be the singer, mouth poised in front of the standing mic and fingers splayed across the strings in unison.

But looking at still pictures would not get Atem far in getting to know the band, so he moved on to the videos. He found a convenient playlist for their actual songs (he’d move on to the vlogs if he liked what he heard) and clicked on the oldest, their first, video.

The setting was simple enough, the five of them standing in an almost warehouse-looking venue, but the video quality wasn’t bad. The girl on the piano started out first and Atem’s found his interest instantly piqued when the notes sounded epic enough to fit in with an orchestra. The singer stepped up to the mic, guitar missing, and started a fast string of lyrics, hard-hitting and dramatic- a perfect combo with the epic-style piano. The drums and bass joined in quick enough and the moment the chorus hit the synthesized sound of the turntables cut in, an interesting contrast to the other instruments that...actually worked...it really really worked. The lead guitarist’s missing strings were deliberate, Atem noted, since the base standing on its own created a deeper sound that complimented the dramatic flair of the song.

It ended too quickly, being barely more than two minutes long, and Atem instantly found himself pressing replay to give the song another listen. This time, now that he wasn’t trying to pick out the different instruments working together, he paid more attention to the lyrics. It sounded like an ode to bad relationships, the toxic kind that made a couple who claimed to love each other fight and scream daily. The singer’s voice was good, and he was impressed with the long note held at the end of the song.

Atem considered giving the title a third listen, but decided he could always come back to it after he sampled their other songs. He moved on to the next, noting that there were a few cover songs in between the originals- though he skipped them for now. This song seemed to have the most views, and Atem figured it was for the actual “music video” style. It was much more entertaining to watch a story-driven video than the band members simply standing on a set (though he thought that was perfectly fine for the first video).

A fade from black showed a ballerina (the pianist?) on the ground, contorted into a common starting position for ballets. A sorrowful note sounded as the camera zoomed in on the ballerina, then, the moment the piano started, she was dancing. It was then that Atem realized that he knew the piano player, at least in passing, she was one of the dancers from the theatre.

The same voice from the first song started to sing, and the dancer soundlessly captured the lyrics with her graceful movements. The thing that truly made Atem stare in wonder though, was the visuals taking place beyond the dance.

As the song went on, the ballerina’s state...worsened. Her visage mirrored the hurt lyrics of the song. At first her make up ran, as if she had been crying, then holes and tears started to appear in her clothes, then bruises on her skin, until finally, half of her tutu was torn and dirty and dark spots littered her body. The pivot point of the song came, and the ballerina fell to the ground, crying, silently conveying that she didn’t want to go on.

But then the tune started to shift, slowly swelling, lifting up as one by one, hands reached out to the despairing dancer. The first gripped her shoulder in comfort, the next wiped away a stray tear, the third rubbed her back, and the fourth simply held itself out to her, a wordless urge to take the offer of help. The ballerina did, and the moment the hands lifted her up, the scene brightened, and her appearance was restored to its original beauty. The woman still had some sadness in her eyes, but the notes were hopeful as she finished her dance, ending the song on an uplifting tune.

Atem found himself simply staring at the screen as a “Thank you for watching!” text scrolled across it. The simple beauty of the video struck him. The song was about loneliness, broken hearts, the darker side of emotions, almost everything most people would feel in their lives. But, ultimately, it was about loved ones making all those things easier to bear- to accept help from those around you and becoming stronger in the process. A song about a sad truth with a hopeful ending.

Atem liked it, he liked it a lot.

He continued to watch the videos and was let down to find that there were only two more original songs by the band. The third was well done too, though Atem admitted that they didn’t capture his attention as much as the previous. It featured the band in steampunk style garb, standing on a stage as masked patrons in ballgowns danced in front of them (Atem knew he recognized said dancers as more ballerinas from the theatre), this song was more light in its beat, though he thought the lyrics alluded to the concept of liars and the masks they wore.

The final song opened with a heavy drum beat and sound effects from the turntables, the black and white camera blinking onto a shot of the drummer in some abandoned building. Water burst from the drums with every hit for even more dramatic visuals as the keyboard and guitars joined in. Then it cut to the singer leaning against a brick-walled alley, still in black and white and the voice Atem was beginning to know well followed the instruments.

He liked the lyrics already, a poetic contrast to the almost upbeat rhythm. What piqued Atem’s interest most, however, was that it was a love song, the first romantic brand of tenderness he’d heard from the band so far.

Where the light shivers offshore

Through the tides of oceans

We are shining in the rising sun

As we are floating in the blue

I am softly watching you

Though, tender as it may be, he couldn’t say it was a happy love song.

Oh boy, your eyes betray what burns inside you

Atem felt something rake at his heart, a pull, the lyrics drawing him in, chest rising with an ache.

Whatever I feel for you

You only seem to care about you

Is there any chance you could see me, too?

'Cause I love you

Is there anything I could do

Just to get some attention from you?

In the waves, I've lost every trace of you

Where are you?

At one point the camera lingered on the singer’s face, eyes pleading and hands splayed in a gesture as if to pull the viewer closer in a desperate embrace. Atem didn’t even realize he was leaning forward until he was at the edge of the seat. If he were a romantic, he might liken the vocalist to a siren, drawing him in with gravitating lyrics.

Whispers are wasted in the sand

As we were dancing in the blue

I was synchronized with you

But now the sound of love is out of tune

Atem had to actively tell himself to sit back in his seat as the chorus came again, though his eyes never left the screen, even as it flashed between all the members in various forsaken settings. It had been a long time since a song made it feel actual heartbreak, made him hang on each pleading lyric.

Not only that, but even as the song began its ending crescendo, Atem’s mind was compiling some violin chords that would slip into the song perfectly. It had been even longer since he wanted to add his own music to a song.

Atem had to give the song one more listen, this time closing his eyes and getting even more lost in the beats and words. Again he had to tell himself not to go for a third listen and moved on to the band’s cover videos. Though, he was momentarily distracted by Bastet as she hopped onto the couch, demanding cuddles and pets by shoving her tail in his face. He obliged, letting her fall asleep on his lap as he flipped through the band’s cover songs, ready to hear more from them.

Most of them featured the players standing in their venue from the first video, which made sense since recording in that simple location allowed the band to pump out videos faster. He liked the diverse array of covers, some were of pop songs, others of rock and metal, and even one rap song. The band made each cover their own, with that unique array of instruments that made Atem endeared to the band.

His favorite covers had to be the ones of Studio Killers’ “Jenny” and “Through the Fire and Flames” by DragonForce.

The metal song was the only one that had someone other than the lead guitarists singing. Atem understood why, the guitar chords were brutal- and the vocalist was playing them like an expert! Again, Atem was impressed, not just anyone could play the strings like that. Instead Yugi sang, belting his little heart out with some decent talent in singing. Atem may have had the deeper voice, but Yugi pulled off the metal style well. Atem then felt bad for not recognizing the bass player’s skill until the near end of the song, and promised to rewatch the video later to fully appreciate how well the brunette played the bass chords.

Jenny was one of the few covers that got a better video and again, Atem found himself interested and surprised, but for an entirely different reason this time. Although the song was about a lesbian crush, the couple acting out the video were two men: Yugi and the blond drummer. Atem found himself smiling when the video ended with the two men kissing in front of a sunset, Yugi having to pull down the taller boy by the collar of his shirt. The song itself was impressive as well, it was undoubtedly a rock version of the pop song, but it still had that upbeat, almost bubbly quality to the music.

That video was also the first that had the band members speaking to the viewers at the end, all five of them sitting on a couch and smiling brightly at the camera. They explained that the video was made for pride month and that they hope to someday donate all the ad revenue of the video to LGBT charities, once their videos started making money in the first place, that is. Unfortunately, (though not to his surprise) that video had the most amount of dislikes, and Atem found himself leaving a string of heart emojis in the comments just to counteract the negativity- and Atem never used heart emojis.

Before he went on to the other videos, the vlogs, Atem paused the playlist and leaned back on his couch, a string of thoughts taking him over as Bastet purred and stretched out to lay on his chest.

He liked the band.

He liked their style, their diversity and unique form, their creativity, and so far he liked the actual members too. He liked all of it a lot. If he were to ever put his original music out there, he knew it would be with a band like this.

Atem believed in fate, so, had he and Yugi met for a reason?

Atem pressed play on the first band vlog video, making his final decision as he petted the purring cat resting on his chest. So long as these more personal vlogs didn’t tarnish his view of the members, he’d speak to Yugi the next day.

#atem x reader #yami x reader #yugioh x reader #Yugioh Band AU #Atem #yami yugi #band AU #series: a thousand songs

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delldarling · 4 years ago

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lies & gardeners | merrick

chasing truth | chapter one male faerie x gender/body neutral reader 7525 words sfw | navigating human emotions = tricky, dangit chapter index? or the prologue?

⊱ ────── .⋅ 🜁 ⋅. ────── ⊰

By virtue of being within the human realm, Merrick knew that none of this would be simple. By Fae standards, and by human too, Garrick’s description is a fairly common one. He’ll find neither hide nor hair of the gardener if he goes around, asking after a fellow with brown hair and tan skin. Even with all the changes humans have made to their society with technology.

Frustration has been steadily welling since the previous day, and his first foray into a human shopping mall.

“It’s why you were chosen,” he mutters to himself, perched in the rafters of a park gazebo as he re-packs his bag. The wallet he’d pinched, weathered brown and full of bills, is shoved in roughly. The soft shirt Kiera had chosen to give him is tucked away more carefully, having been replaced by a human-made shirt in green. The shade is particularly nice, at least, but the material itches slightly, rough against the wings trapped under his skin. He’s highly tempted to find another market and purchase something sleeveless, but… The shopkeeper’s reaction was a deciding factor in covering up.

Plenty of humans might have pictures dotting their skin - he’d seen more than his share during his time in the mall - but had sported wings like Merrick. The shopkeeper had touched him, and asked after his artist and the conversation had lasted far longer than he would have liked. They’d finally come away under the impression that he was the original designer, but a tattoo artist had done the work, which was perfectly fine with him. All Merrick wanted to do was stop talking.

Merrick sighs, confused and tired, and leans back against the curving roof, ignoring the spiders hiding poorly above his head. His cap, at least, is in fashion. The color and the quality haven’t set him apart any, though at some point he supposes he will have to get another. If he’s here that long. He scowls and closes his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. A nap is in order.

If only the children running around the park would stop shrieking. Merrick rolls a shoulder, breathing out slowly, and then a shuffling noise echoes from underneath him. Little feet scuffing the stone. He grinds his teeth and ignores the noise, hoping the child will vacate the area without any prompting.

“If you fall asleep there, you might fall. For real,” the child says authoritatively, having had enough of waiting. Merrick is still and silent, hoping that the child will take the hint and leave, but the tap, tap of little feet turning in a circle below continues.

“I won’t fall,” Merrick mutters, knowing, even as he does, that he should have kept his mouth shut. Engaging with the child will only encourage them.

“I fell off of my bed,” the child proclaims, as if they’ve reached the pinnacle of worldly experience. “Haven’t you ever done that?”

“Why do humans do this?” Merrick asks instead, sitting up straight and nearly cracking his skull against a wooden beam. He stops himself just short of it and turns his gaze upon the child - a girl, he thinks - who can’t be more than 7 or 8 summers. She looks thoroughly unimpressed with his scowl, or the way he’s precariously leaning over the rafter. “Every-” The tang of a lie stops him from saying every human, and he has to amend the statement quickly, before the child can interrupt. “Many of the humans I’ve met over the past day cannot seem to stop themselves from questioning.” Merrick throws the strap of his bag over his shoulder, adjusting until he can lean an elbow on either knee as he speaks, feet dangling over empty space. “Who is your tattoo artist? How did you get up here? Are you looking for a good time?”

The child blinks up at him, still unmoved by his plight, her small mouth curled into a frown. “I think you’ve been talking to weird people,” she finally says, turning on her heels when someone shouts. She leaves, taking her haughty attitude with her, but the words stick with him.

His own almost-lie sticks with him. The elderly man, the shopkeeper, some of those people hawking their wares outside unmoving carts- all of them had peppered him with questions he couldn’t answer. They’d wanted to draw him back into conversation, had wanted to touch if given even the slightest opportunity. And then there was you.

You hadn’t asked invasive questions that he’d little hope of answering correctly. He doesn’t know that he recalls your exact wording, but you’d been impressed by his speed, and your eyes-

Merrick snorts. He’s work to do, or at least a nap to take, and here he is, wondering about a human who had just a bit more manners than any of the others he’s met. “Ridiculous,” he says aloud, and rearranges himself against the gazebo wall once more. It’ll be dark again in a few hours, and he can start searching for the glamour Garrick has likely smothered himself with. Until then, he’s going to catch a few measly hours of sleep.

He should be done with this whole mess in a few weeks time, and then he’ll be back in the halls of the King, lauded as a hero. Perhaps Roran will have started to move on, and Kiera will cease giving him those judging looks. He’ll have his choice of work, and he can hardly wait to see where those jobs will take him. Yes. As soon as he’s back...

But even after that night, even after the next and the one after, Merrick is no closer to finding the gardener. The city is sprawling and there are too many humans for him to fly through the skies - and on the third night, one of their city guards - a policeman - comes and tells him that the homeless aren’t allowed to sleep in the park. He could have glamoured himself, could have hidden.. Though that likely would have tipped off Garrick, if he was anywhere close. He leaves after the fellow suggests a cheap motel, shelling out two bills, and decides that he might as well listen. There’s little reason not to seek out a bed, even a human made one, if he’s going to be here much longer.

The motel isn’t much better than the gazebo, Merrick finds, but it is one of the central points in the city. He’s able to pick up a more extensive, modernized map in a corner market, which makes some of his work easier, but then- Then the days slowly fade into weeks and he switches between motels as he picks up the barest hints of glamour. Every time he lays his head on the less than comfortable pillows, he’s sure that tomorrow will be the day he ends this. That he’ll track down Garrick, knock him out and drag him back to Court. But he can’t ignore the thoughts clamoring for attention in the back of his mind for much longer. He.. Can’t help but wonder if the gardener is even in the city any longer. He worries that he might be inadvertently tracking the wrong faerie, never mind that he hasn’t seen any others but common pixies. He falls asleep, telling himself that he can worry about it the next day.

Merrick wakes as evening falls.

His room is empty, as are those near-by. Or near enough. He can hear a few humans having a hushed argument through one of the walls, a bottle sloshing with liquid and clinking against a table as they pass it back and forth. Automobiles on the street, going much too fast. He doesn’t know that he’ll ever get used to the noise or the movement of them all. He used to assume that humans were called Quick Ones because of their limited lifespans, but it isn’t just that.

Humans are restless. Even in sleep, they move about or speak, and they never seem to keep steady hours either. Merrick doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to catch more than an hour or two of rest with the constant noise of them all.

Still, it’s been a month, and he can sleep through it now, at least for a while. Not always well - but after tonight, he’s fairly sure he’s going to sleep like the dead.

Merrick fumbles for the small pay-as-you-go phone he’d picked up a week back. It’s full of iron and man-made metals - but it isn’t near as heavy as the high-end devices humans are so fond of. It still makes his limbs ache to carry it close to his skin, but he supposes he can’t write off human inventions entirely.

It’s a useful piece of equipment, though Merrick only needs it to check the time, having thrown the motel clock in a drawer after the first night here.

“Seven,” he mutters, pushing himself off of the mattress. Likely he could have found a better place than this. He’s seen the high end hotels with glittering balustrades and carefully cultivated flora, but he’d taken the time and the trouble to track Garrick down to somewhere close to this neighborhood. He hadn’t wanted to be further than a few streets away, just in case Garrick had attempted to make a run for it, or in case he’d been wrong and found a different Fae altogether.

He’s fairly sure he’s right though.

The level of glamour the near-by Fae is using is affecting the environment. The neighborhood isn’t a particularly kind one. It’s full of cheap housing and dirty establishments, but greenery has sprung up in recent months - evidence of one of the Queen of Land’s people.

And then, just yesterday, by some blessed miracle, Merrick had heard a small group of humans mention “- and I’m meeting up with Garrick- Gar,” they’d corrected, phone pressed close to their face, “and maybe some of his friends, tomorrow at 8 at the bar.”

There are two bars in this crumbling section of the city, just a few doors down from each other. If Merrick snags a high vantage point across the street, he’ll be able to watch them both.

He’d best get ready, if he wants more than a few moments to settle.

Other than his bag, still packed full of nearly all his things, there’s nothing Merrick wants to take. He uses the shower because the water is pleasant enough, and cleanliness is nothing to sneer at, but he doubts he’s going to do more than watch tonight. Though if he sees Garrick with his own eyes, if he’s managed to identify him correctly? It will take the edge of worry off of his shoulders. Merrick pulls on the shirt Kiera gave him, just to have a reprieve from mildly itchy human material, and covers it with a grey hooded sweatshirt he’d taken off of a clothes line. He still jams the red cap back over his ears though, unwilling to find a replacement for the item when anything else will likely be sub-par.

He locks up behind himself, praying he won’t have to return - though he knows it’s a far-flung hope, and trudges toward Vine Street, bag slung over his shoulder. Early evening has settled over the city, yellowing streetlights starting to flicker on. Some of the sourness of the streets is dampened by the lack of sunshine, but the exhaust of passing cars still makes his nose wrinkle.

It’s busy, when he gets there. There isn’t quite a line to either establishment, though people flock into the places in steady groups of twos and threes. He eyes the building across the street - some kind of factory, once upon a time, and decides it looks empty enough to risk it.

Merrick might not be able to wear his wings out for all the humans to gawk at, but he’s still a Fae with wings. He’s used to navigating heights, and half the building is lined with a rickety set of stairs anyway. Fire Escape is labeled clearly along one creaking stair, but Merrick hops right over it, taking the steps a few at a time. It doesn’t quite reach the roof, but when he finally comes to a stop at the top, breath carefully measured, he can see hand and footholds in the old brick.

He climbs, and heaves himself onto the roof with nary a scratch. He then finds himself a good vantage point and settles down to wait, crossing his arms and resting them on the building ledge.

The people heading into Corner Pocket look a bit more jovial than the crowd mulling around the doors of Harvey’s, so he thinks he’ll have a better chance watching that one. It’s boring work though, the waiting, and for the first time Merrick thinks he might actually miss Roran. At least a partner would fill the silence.

Truth be told, Merrick isn’t quite sure what to expect. He’s looking for fawn colored hair and skin weathered by sunshine - but there are a fair few of those about. He supposes, if he truly had to think about it, he would assume that Garrick looks a bit sickly. He’s been hiding from his Court for half a year at least, and between the month Merrick has spent searching, and the time the Land Guard spent hounding him, he should be weary.

However, when Merrick spots him, he can’t quite believe his eyes. Garrick might technically be in hiding, but he’s living. He’s tall, at least as tall as Merrick, though after a moment he grudgingly admits that the Fae might be taller. He has short brown hair and a much stronger physique than Merrick had been expecting- and he’s smiling. It’s almost enough to induce a bit of jealousy in him. Here he’d been expecting a knob kneed gardener with clammy hands, and yet Garrick might as well be in the Land Guard.

He seems fond of the humans, laughing with them, leaning into their casual touches and ruffling ones hair. With a start, Merrick realizes he recognizes one of them, and he leans over the edge of the building to try and get a better look.

It’s… It’s you. The one whose phone he’d nearly broke, the one who’d smiled at him, pleasant and quiet, and- Merrick wrinkles his nose and straightens his posture. He’s being utterly ridiculous, letting nerves get to him. It’s been plenty long enough, and he’s going to have to go down there anyway. You shouldn’t remember him, not when he’d made a hasty get-away and spoken so little.

To be safe though, he decides to stay out of your line of sight as well.

He climbs back down the building side and moves slowly down the stairs, watching closely for any eyes that might catch his movement. The humans are oblivious though, and he makes it down without upset, sliding into the tail edge of a rather large group just outside the doors.

Merrick gets into the bar easy enough - he does have to use a bit of glamour to charm the bouncer into seeing proper ID, but it barely counts, and- Garrick doesn’t seem to be particularly sensitive to its use. He doesn’t up and run, or shout. He’s still sitting at a table when Merrick waltzes in, and he’s surrounded by the same group of chattering humans, all of them laughing over something.

Merrick hurries to the counter, sliding easily into the line of patrons crowding the area, and turns towards the bartender. He should order something, make his being there look normal. His shoulder jostles someone standing too close though, and when he makes room, trying to mutter something unobtrusive and calming, the human interrupts him with a delighted noise.

With his heart in his throat, and his every thought flying from his brain, Merrick turns to meet your gaze head on.

“It’s you!” You declare, eyes roving over his face. That same genial smile, the one that had stuck in the back of his unwilling head, curls your mouth. “Mr. Glad-I-hurt-My-Pride! Never thought I’d see you again.”

And I thought you wouldn’t recognize me, Merrick thinks, panic taking hold of his heart. He hopes that you can’t see the shock or any kind of disappointment in his features. Though.. Truth be told, he isn’t sure what exactly it is that he’s feeling. Nerves are making his stomach twist, and his palms heat, but-

“Pride?” He asks, hoping he sounds like he doesn’t know you. He takes a step back from you, and then his neck grows warm when you close the distance he attempts to make. He nearly stumbles into another patron behind him, half expecting you to reach out, to touch him - though he isn’t sure why that has his nerves singing with hope. It turns out that you’re only moving closer to the bar, but it feels intimate now, when you lean in towards him to converse, to be heard over the crowd of customers.

“I said something about my pride being hurt,” you tell him with a shrug, and then motion for him to speak when the bartender asks for an order. “Him first,” you insist. “I’m ordering a round for friends, and it’ll take me a minute.”

Merrick orders the first thing that looks appetizing, some kind of blackberry cider that the bartender claims is good. He licks nervously at his lips as a thought occurs to him. You know Garrick. Enough to share his table, to order drinks - he can use this. Use… you.

“-and then you said good in this really serious voice and stomped away,” you tell him, as soon as the bartender takes his currency and darts over to a register. You arch an eyebrow when he frowns, though you don’t sound accusatory.

“Good as in you weren’t physically injured,” he clarifies, happily accepting the pint the bartender returns with and turning to survey the room. Garrick is still sitting at his table, though now one of the humans is whispering something in his ear and he looks- He looks fond. That human too, is one he could use to get in close to Garrick. Surely using them would be better?

Friendship is one thing, but physical attraction can be a vastly powerful tool. Merrick glances back at you, mulling over the pros and cons.

“That’s a relief,” you murmur, flashing a smile his way before you order for your table, eyebrows drawn together in concentration. It’s almost irritating that he isn’t irritated. He still doesn’t find anything about you grating. He should - you’re a human, just making casual conversation - but you haven’t asked him prying questions or tried to interrupt him.

“Is it?” He asks, unthinking as he takes a sip of his drink. His eyes dart to your hands, fingertips tapping awkwardly against the bar. You look… Nervous.

“Is it a relief to me that you weren’t being rude?” You laugh, ceasing your fidgeting. “Yeah. I don’t think relief would fit very well if I found out you were trying to be an ass. Besides, you did something nice, saving my phone from the pavement - I wanted to think well of you.”

He shouldn’t care at all, but he can’t help the small smirk that pulls at the corner of his lips. The sound of your voice, the way your mouth is shaped when you laugh? He likes it. He opens his mouth- only to snap it shut when the bartender returns with a pitcher and a stack of glasses.

“Interested in helping me out one more time?” You ask, glancing at him from beneath lowered lashes, and there’s a tone to your words that he believes might be flirting. He could help you out, but even if Garrick hadn’t noticed his glamour use at the door, standing right in front of him might very well tip him off. Might, he thinks to himself, irritated with the vagueness of his thought. It will tip him off.

“I’ll follow,” he says before he can think more on it. His mouth is dry and his heartbeat is starting to thunder in his ears. Better to get this whole thing over with and get back to Faerie. Merrick steadfastly ignores the realization that it would mean the end of any flirtatious hints between you, and takes the stack of glasses you hand him. It’s a useless thought. He’s not here to charm humans, he’s here to do what his King bade him. He leans back to avoid the brush of your elbow, waiting for you to precede him, and then turns towards the table you’re sharing with Garrick.

Garrick isn’t there.

Adrenaline crashes into his bloodstream at lightning speed, and it takes everything within Merrick not to drop the glasses to the floor, let them break and scatter in a fountain of glass shards and start searching. He stays on your heels, searching each visible corner of the room, but he doesn’t see him anywhere. Had he truly been so distracted by a few moments of flirting?

You set the pitcher down with a hmm, glancing at the two - two - empty spots across the table.

“So Gar and-”

“Yep,” one of your companions, a red headed man, interrupts you, grinning slyly. “But I see you made a handsome friend over at the bar! Care to introduce us?”

“Next time, I’m getting the drinks,” one of them murmurs.

You grin, accepting the glasses that Merrick hands you, but before you can ask for his name, or say another word, he’s backing away.

“Pardon me,” he says, trying not to look you in the face. He fails, eyes raking quickly over your startled expression a single time, just- just so he’ll remember your face. Just so he’ll recognize you again, if he needs to use you. To get to Garrick. “Enjoy your evening,” he tacks on at the last second, feeling slightly ridiculous, but mostly angry. He’d taken one look at you, taken one sip of fizzing cider and lost focus, and now Garrick is gone. Merrick slides through the crowd, using glamour heavily to slip unnoticed between talking friends and dancing couples, and heads straight for the bathroom. He doubts the gardener took his companion there, not if he wants either of them to live, but he has to check.

Both of them, frustratingly, turn up empty of Fae. Merrick upends his glass of cider in one of the cracked sinks, glaring at his reflection. There’s a heavy flare of glamour, like pressure building and bursting at the front that suddenly catches his attention- but it’s fading already.

He follows it anyway, sifting through the people making their way toward the bathroom and then milling about the bar until he’s made note of every face throughout the building.

Merrick finds himself back out on the street, shoulders trembling with tension, wondering how he’d gotten it so wrong. Garrick must have noted his use of glamour the moment he’d done it, and simply kept his calm until he realized Merrick was distracted. He should have known better, should have kept his boring seat on the factory building and waited. He would have been able to follow Garrick back to his home, or at least make a note of where his companion lived.

He’s going to have to throw caution to the wind, then, and head into the skies. He’ll have to risk Garrick feeling the glamour, because the chance of a human snapping a picture of a Fae launching himself off of a roof is far too great. He heads back to the factory roof, breathless now when he reaches the top, and stares down angrily over the edge. Merrick has been yearning to stretch his wings, but the wait doesn’t quite feel worth it when he’s lost track of the damn gardener.

He strips off his shirt and his cap, uncaring of the cool breeze and shoves them into his bag. It almost aches, the feeling of his wings slipping free of his skin, but he doesn’t have time for more than a quick rub of the muscles he can reach, before he needs to be flying. He won’t be able to catch him - not without diving upon Garrick like some great bird of prey - but he hopes he’ll see him. At least then, this won’t have been one big waste of his time.

Merrick rolls his shoulders, steps up to the building edge, and jumps. His wings aren’t exactly made for slow, sweeping circles through the air. The four of them are strong, but thin, veined with a shade that Roran has always claimed reminds him of copper. They buzz, fluttering fast enough that they’re nothing more than a blur. He’s always done best with short, sharp distances, and it’s still been a short length of time. Surely he has more than a fair chance of finding some human-loving gardener?

He zips over the street, eyes keen on the people below, and starts his search.

Four hours later, he has to trudge back into his motel room, too tired to keep up a cloak of glamour, or to even lay his wings back into his skin. One of the inebriated humans he’d heard earlier is sitting on the steps, staring at him with bleary eyes and a red nose.

“Tho- thought absinthe brought on visions of fairies?” The man asks, glancing down at his paper wrapped bottle in surprise.

“Weariness, too,” Merrick mutters, blinking heavily as he nearly stumbles on the last step. He’s three doors down the walk - he can make it. He’s not sure, but he thinks the drunkard whispers some kind of expletive. It’s the last coherent thought Merrick has before his motel door is shutting behind him and he’s flopping straight onto the bed. Darkness rolls over him like the tide, and he willingly gives in.

He wakes to housekeeping tapping nervously at his door and just barely gets up in time to catch it. He waves away their apologies, pressing his hands firmly against the placard underneath the peep hole to close the door fully - and then drops to his knees, wings sagging against the ground. The carpet is rough, and even though he’s relished having them out, Merrick slaps a hand to each shoulder, hiding his wings in his skin once more.

Perhaps, if Merrick weren’t stubborn, he would send word back to the King of Air. He could have used a bit of help - but the thought of Roran showing up on his doorstep flat out halts the thought. He needs more information, because what the Queen of Land had given them was sorely lacking. The traitor’s chosen name? Had been correct. As had the vague description. Faun brown hair, eyes near the same shade, and skin, weathered tan by the sunshine. His hands and ears had held a green tint - glamoured from the human eye - so he was from the Land Court.

But he knew how to blend in with humans, had made friends of them. He was living, and living well among them, and he knew how to lose someone attempting to track him. He’d vanished at the first sign of trouble.

“Or he really was passing time with his companion and they distracted him from me,” Merrick grumbles, lips pulled into a frown as he stumbles over to the rickety table in the corner. The chair creaks as he flops into it, pulling close the map of the city and the small pad of paper provided by the motel.

Merrick supposes that Garrick could have been human born - maybe his human parent had been spirited to his Court and had passed on their knowledge as he grew? Maybe human parentage did have something to do with being able to lie. Still. He’s tempted to swear something crass to prove that Garrick isn’t simply a gardener. Other than that single flare of glamour, Garrick had left little to no trace of himself behind, and even someone with Merrick’s talents would be hard pressed to do that. Roran couldn’t have done it so smoothly.

The only thing Merrick had been able to find out with any certainty is that Garrick is fond of the group of humans he’d gone to Corner Pocket with. He’d checked back into the bar after he’d canvassed the area and found nothing. They’d been gone as well, safe from being followed or questioned. He’d asked after the group from one of the workers, but he’d been run nearly dry by then, dizzy on his feet. The worker had only given him a strange look and urged him to call his friends after he’d grabbed a few hours of sleep. Of course, asking the worker in the back alley while they took their smoke break… Had possibly been ill advised. He hadn’t wanted to risk glamour, and he couldn’t head inside the bar without a shirt on. They’d likely assumed he was as inebriated as the two men staying in the room next to his at the motel. It could have been worse.

Though he can’t say he’s not convinced that Garrick didn’t double back after he’d left and gotten his human companions to vacate the area.

Perhaps- no.

For the breadth of a second, he wonders if Garrick has roped the humans into this, but it’s highly unlikely. With such a large group of them, at least one would have spilled his secret. No. They’d been too at ease, and he doesn’t believe that you would have li- It simply doesn’t matter. None of the humans could have known enough about Garrick’s true nature to fool him.

A very small part, that he studiously ignores, is pleased by the thought. Being distracted by honest flattery is one thing, but being lied to is quite another.

He wonders how often Garrick has dealt with human lies, and whether it galls him or not, tasting the sourness upon the air.

Merrick scowls, fingers tracing idle paths on the now creased and worn map. He doesn’t even know if those born to the Land Court possess the same drawbacks when it comes to attempting to lie.

Besides, it’s entirely possible that Garrick will decide to run again. Even though he’s done his best to make a home for himself here, and seems to be fond of the local populace, he’s run twice already. Once from the Queen of Land - the place he was raised, and once when the land Guard found him. Both times he’d run far enough that it had cost quite a bit of time to track him down again. And yet... he might decide that a random citizen of the Air stumbling upon him is nothing to worry about.

He might not be able to find Garrick at the bar for some time, but he imagines one or two of the humans will return. They’d been charmed by his appearance, at least, so he doubts it will take over much to befriend one of them. And if, by chance, Garrick comes to assume that Merrick is a fellow runaway?

He might just be willing to speak to him.

Corner Pocket soon becomes Merrick’s most regular haunt, and his least favorite place in the human realm.

The drinks make it bearable, at least some of the time. The vast amount to choose from means he’s not bored, but enjoying a glass of anything by his lonesome is… Not very entertaining. And most of the attention he draws? Merrick does not want in the first place. He’s offended at least three different humans there in the week following his decision to befriend one of Garrick’s companions. One woman he refuses flat out, which leaves her petulant and loud. One of her friends apologizes on her behalf, rolling their eyes as they tow her out the door. One man seems to be desperately looking for a debate partner on human sports teams, and another says he simply doesn’t like the look of Merrick.

“There’s a couple colleges here,” one of the bartenders shares with him after the last man is quickly ushered out, having decided to upend his barstool and his drink. “We have regulars, but there’s always someone obnoxious popping in. If you’re going to be in here frequently, look out for those ones.” The truth of it is staggering, and Merrick quickly becomes used to picking out the humans who show up too far into their cups.

He’s tempted to give the endeavor up - to go back to searching for flares of glamour or seeking out spots that have shown an uptick in greenery growth. He has no desire to spend his afternoons or evenings in this place, repeatedly being approached by pushy humans. Even if getting to Garrick via his companions is a good strategy, he doesn’t have to needlessly suffer time with others.

But then, you walk back into the bar one evening.

Unthinking, he hides, moving to a seat out of your view that still lets him hear your conversation with the friend you’ve brought with you. He thinks he might recognize the fellow as well - his patched jacket and red hair seem familiar anyhow.

“-still think it’s silly,” your friend complains, tapping a knuckle against the bar as he glances at the daily specials. Merrick leans back a little farther in his chair, drinking the sight of you in. “This is the closest and cheapest place to meet, and now we’re going to that dance club? Since when do we all dance?”

“I think it was Em’s idea,” you say with a shrug, smiling and ordering something for yourself. Your friend grimaces, looking only mildly more pleasant when he orders his own drink.

“I think she’s trying to make the moves on Garfield,” your friend adds, a huff of a laugh escaping him.

“No. Red, come on, is that really his full name? I thought it was something like.. Garrett. Or Gary. And Em is going to have a serious time of it, he really only has eyes for-”

“Everyone knows,” Red says with a gruff sigh. “And honestly, I don’t know. I just thought I’d try it out on him and see if it stuck.”

“You really want to saddle him with the name Garfield? What if it is his name and he’s ashamed or something?” You ask before you thank the bartender. You wait until your friend has his glass in hand before you both raise them in some kind of silent toast and drink.

Red wipes the beer foam from his mouth and shrugs. “Then he’ll say something and I’ll let it go. We better hurry up here though, Em will blow her top if we end up being more than a minute late.”

It’s all too easy to glamour himself and shadow the two of you to the dance club. Merrick keeps well back, wrinkling his nose when the thumping music is loud enough for him to hear outside the heavy doors. The two of you don’t even blink, flashing IDs at the door and trading a look that has you both laughing. Merrick follows and drops the glamour as soon as he’s in the door. He doesn’t want to leave half his attention on holding it, or risk walking up to Garrick like a glowing beacon.

Despite the discomfort of the loud noise and the press of the bodies, a stillness comes over him when he does finally spot Garrick sitting at a low table. He looks well fed and completely at ease, staring at a young woman who is talking a mile a minute - though Merrick isn’t sure if Garrick is actually listening to her, or just looking past her. He perks up when he sees you and your friend Red though, waving the two of you over in obvious relief.

“Just you two?” You ask, eyebrows raising when Garrick gets to his feet to greet you with an embrace. You return it kindly enough, but it doesn’t appear to be something that happens frequently. Em doesn’t look quite as happy to have you both there, and Red looks startled when he, too, receives a sudden hug from the tall Land Fae. The three of you take your seats, though Red waves away the drink list when Em offers it to him, grimacing when he sees the prices. Garrick’s hand closes around a half-full glass and he too, looks as if the selection isn’t exactly to his liking.

“Everyone else was busy,” Em says brightly, though the way her eyes dart around tells Merrick that she’s lying. Garrick winces at the lie too, glancing off into the crowd of dancing people.

“What a shame,” Red mutters, scowling at the press of people, just quiet enough that Merrick is fairly sure Em doesn’t catch it. “So did you just have a real hankering for the club scene or-”

“It’s you again!” Your voice pipes up and then Merrick realizes: he’s drifted too close, the crowd of human dancers had parted to let him through. You’re smiling at him again, eyes tracing over his hair and his mouth, and you’re inviting and lovely- and Garrick’s face has gone completely and utterly blank.

“Yeah,” Merrick chokes out, taking another unsteady step towards you when you lift your hand in a slightly shy wave. He can’t get distracted. He can’t, he knows this, but he forces himself to look away from Garrick anyway. The last thing either of them wants is to start a fight amidst the humans, right? He can approach if he sticks to manners.

“I remember you too,” Em perks up, arching an eyebrow. “The runaway. Was it too soon to meet the friends last time?”

“Ignore her,” you urge him, trying to scoot further into the booth to make room for him. “She’s like a sour patch kid,” you tease. The words make no sense to Merrick, but a little of the tightness in Em’s face seems to even out, and she smiles at you, shifting aside so everyone can fit in the booth.

“Join us!” You suggest. “Unless you’re busy. I’m not trying to force our company on you.” You shrug, glancing away, as if you’re regretting your sudden outburst.

“O-of course,” Merrick hastens to say, and wants to kick himself, twice over. He should be claiming some kind of important business with Garrick, he should be trying to complete the task he’s been given by his King and all he wants to do is agree to whatever you say. He takes another step closer, mouth opening- and then there’s a clatter and Red is cursing something awful and Em is squealing, trying to stand in the booth without knocking over the table.

“Seriously?” Red barks, pushing to his feet and trying to grab at any napkins on the table. Garrick’s drink is empty, having been poured almost directly all over Red’s pale trousers. Though there’s a small splatter across Em’s pale shirt as well. “Shit aim, man, look at this!” Red snaps, gesturing at his damp lap.

“Will that stain?” Garrick asks, and he looks guilty, cheeks gone ruddy from embarrassment. “Is there anything I can-”

“He’s crashing on my couch,” you rush to say, getting out of the booth. “It’s not too far, come on, you can grab the clothes you left and shove these in my washer.” You meet Merrick’s eyes and give him a slightly sad smile. “Nice to see you again. One of these days, I’ll actually get the chance to-” You jump when Em latches onto your arm.

“Please let me use your washer too, the dye in that drink-” Em starts, nearly pushing you over as she starts to walk you and Red towards the entrance.

The three of you rush off, apparently having forgotten Garrick- and that’s when Merrick notices the glamour. It’s been washed over the two of them like a shadowy bubble, separating them from the surrounding humans, dulling the noise if not exactly canceling it.

“If you’re here for me,” Garrick says, sounding weary as he rights his fallen glass, “then come after me. Leave them out of this. They’ve done absolutely nothing to you.” He gets to his feet slowly, lips curled into a frown, broad shoulders slouched. There’s still a bit of space left between them, and he’s staring at Merrick like he’s reached the end of a very frayed tether.

For a moment, Merrick believes this is going to be easy. Garrick is all but defeated, tired of running, ready to face the fate laid down for him by his Queen. Merrick unsheathes the small blade he has strapped to his wrist, palming it as quickly and quietly as possible. Garrick’s eyes track the sudden gleam of it in his hand, the sharp edge catching the flashing lights over the dance floor.

“The Queen of Land isn’t pleased,” Merrick tells him, taking a step. Garrick doesn’t move. “The lies you’ve been spreading-”

Tension springs through Garrick’s limbs and Merrick has to throw himself back into the crowd of humans to avoid being tackled to the floor. The humans shriek, and Merrick curses - he’s cut his own hand, and knocked a few dancers down, but otherwise they’re all unhurt. Garrick though, is heading straight for the door, much quicker than Merrick would like.

“Really?” Merrick snaps out, exasperated, and then he’s streaking after Garrick, as fast as his feet will take him, glamouring himself as he goes. For someone so broad, for someone once tasked with doing nothing more than growing the Queen’s garden, Garrick runs like he was born to it. Merrick only just barely keeps up.

He decides though, watching the Fae dodge between humans and hurdle over one parked car, that he’s going to have a long conversation with Garrick before he does as he was tasked.

The chase carries them both through the city on feet too swift for humanity. The glamour is going to make both of them lag after a while, but for some reason Garrick still wants to keep his presence hidden from the humans, more than he wants to escape. Eventually though, Merrick gets tired of running. He strips off his shirt, freeing his aching wings and takes to the skies, just as he realizes that Garrick is heading for the park.

It’s a race then, to try and stop him before he has a myriad of plants at his disposal - and it’s one that Merrick very narrowly misses out on winning. He uses the momentum of his flight to bounce off of a fence, brandishing his weapon in a swinging arch. Garrick dodges the swipe of his blade purely on luck, and then willow tree branches are snapping out at Merrick like whips. He slips his wings back into his skin, not wanting to get them hurt and falls to the ground, rolling across the grass at high speed, stopped only by a park bench to his back.

Merrick grunts with the impact and leaps to his feet, ready to fight, clutching the handle of his blade with a still-stinging palm, and halts.

Garrick is standing on the other side of a slide, chest heaving as he attempts to get back his breath- but he’s not fighting. There’s ivy near at hand, Merrick notes, and he could make swift use of that, but instead he’s just staring, eyebrows drawn together, a frown just barely tugging at his mouth. The both of them stand there and stare, the moon rising slowly overhead.

“The King of Air sent you?” Garrick finally asks, still fairly breathless, eyes darting to the ink lines of Merrick’s wings, wrapped around his biceps and trailing down over his shoulders and arms.

“Are you a gardener?” Merrick asks, rather than answer. The answer to Garrick’s question is obvious anyway. Merrick possesses wings. The question he asks makes Garrick’s eyebrows arch.

“Hardly,” he mutters. “I’ve never been a gardener,” he says at normal volume and his shoulders lose some of their tension, hands resting carefully at his sides. “Were you looking for one?”

Merrick scowls. The Queen of Land had given them incomplete information - or her guard had tracked down the wrong Fae. It’s hard to believe her guard could have been so utterly incompetent though.

“Did you betray the Queen of Land?” He tries instead, straightening from his crouch of a fighting stance. The heat of the chase is beginning to leave him, and he’s regretting abandoning his shirt.

Garrick doesn’t answer, just purses his lips, watching him, waiting for something else to happen, for another question, maybe.

And then Merrick does something absolutely idiotic. He’s searching for common ground, searching for a way to get Garrick to continue speaking, even if it isn’t about something important. The only thing he can think of that he wants to ask, that has nothing to do with the Queen or betrayal - is about you. Heat rises along his neck and face, but before he can stop himself, he blurts out his question.

He asks Garrick for your name.

Garrick’s belly deep laughter echoes throughout the entire park.

�� ────── .⋅ 🜁 ⋅. ────── ⊰

...turn the page?

#exophilia #faerie boyfriend #male faerie x reader #fairy boyfriend #male fairy x reader #fairy x reader

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bobbystompy · 4 years ago

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My Top 88 Songs Of 2020

Previously: 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011

Though we couldn’t get as trim as last year’s 75, still very happy to keep this under 100 for the second year in a row. This was a very difficult year in many ways, but music helped make it more bearable.

As always, criteria and info:

This is a list of what I personally like, not ones I’m saying are the “best” from the year; more subjective than objective

No artist is featured more than once

If it comes down to choosing between two songs, I try to give more weight to a single or featured track

Each song on the list is linked in the title if you wanna check them out for yourself; there is also a Spotify playlist at the bottom that includes the majority of the songs

Usually a pump up video goes here, but 2020 had a different energy, so Michael, take us in.

88) Katy Perry - “Smile”

Even Katy Perry’s good songs are a swirling spiral of maxed out auto-tune. This one is just fine. It’s... fine.

87) All Time Low - “Trouble Is...”

Is All Time Low the Katy Perry of pop punk?

86) Tee Grizzley f/ Payroll Giovanni - “Payroll”

I have never heard of Payroll Giovanni, but I have two questions:

1) Is this his song, and he got Tee to jump on it?

2) Or, did Tee write a song called “Payroll” and think to himself “You know who would be great on this? Payroll Giovanni!”

Favorite stretch:

Listen, we is not the same, you say "door", I say "dough" You say "floor", I say "flow", you say "for sure", I say "fa'sho"

85) Lady Gaga & Ariana Grande - “Rain On Me”

Coming out in 2020 probably hurt this song, because I have no, like, out of the house memories with it. You can only have so much fun with Big Singers Singing over a pulsing beat when it’s coming from the phone in your kitchen as you’re indifferently scrambling eggs.

84) Benjamin Gibbard - “Life In Quarantine”

Now this is a song you can do nothing to; almost feels like it’s reluctant to even exist. It got released in March of 2020, so the outro (“No one is going anywhere soon”) served as a too sad reminder/mantra for what the year was about to be. Second shout out to Gibbard for the many YouTube sets he put together during the early stages of the pandemic (when so many of his peers were trying to figure out the next move).

83) Cardi B f/ Megan Thee Stallion - “WAP”

This felt less like a song and more of a “whoa, did you see the music video?!” and/or a means to relitigate the eternal question “What is the sexual line in music?” And while it was fun to watch people freak the fuck out... the quality itself really needed to be better.

(Note: YouTube video is the edited chorus; explicit version here)

82) McKayla Maroney - “Wake Up Call”

Former Olympic gymnast McKayla Maroney -- of medals and memes fame -- dips her toe into the music waters. It’s inside-the-box modern pop music. One thing that’s hard to escape: it doesn’t really sound like her.

81) Chelsea Cutler - “Sad Tonight”

He vocals really remind me of Alessia Cara.

80) blink-182 - “Quarantine”

Blink doing a Bad Religion impression. Docked a few points for the very weak chorus lyrics (“Quarantine, fuck this disease”). That said, as serious as the song comes off, there are some clever punchlines to be found.

79) Dave Hause & Brian Fallon - “Long Ride Home”

This is kind of a nothing song, but it’s easy listening. Also, if your guitar leads can’t clear the “Could Bobby have written or performed this?” bar, then said leads are probably pretty weak.

78) Travis Scott & Kid Cudi - “THE SCOTTS”

Two artists who pair so well together, it’s hard to tell who exudes more influence on the track (eh, that’s not true, it’s Travis Scott, but Kid Cudi is more of a roommate than guest). They want you to be high by the time the instrumental outro hits.

77) The Strokes - “Bad Decisions”

The beginning sound feels somewhat evolved, but by the time Julian Casablancas croons “Making bad decisions”, the song feels like it could be on their debut album “Is This It?”. And it goes in and out like that from there.

76) Thundercat - “Dragonball Durag”

Thundercat is one of those artists I wish I liked more, but when the occasional track does hit, it’s a momentary glimpse into what real fans seem to always see.

75) TI f/ Lil Baby - “Pardon”

Standard fare. Lil Baby’s cameo is very meh.

74) Porches - “Do U Wanna”

For a song that repeatedly asks “Do you want to dance?”, it sure makes you feel like you’re moving in slow motion.

73) NOFX - “Thatcher Fucked The Kids”

On the best-named album of the year (“West Coast vs. Wessex”), Frank Turner and NOFX cover each other’s material. To start us off, the legends take a song from 12 years ago about British politics from 40 years ago and, well, very easily apply it to right god damn now in America.

72) The Bombpops - “Dearly Departed”

Ahh, my year’s first cancelled concert. The listed names in V1 always make me want to skip this song -- but patience, grasshopper. Chorus is aight.

71) Ratboys - “Alien With A Sleep Mask On”

This band name will never match what the music sounds like.

70) Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever - “She’s There”

The vocals in this song channel, like, four completely different singers for me, ranging from Bob Dylan to Cloud Nothings.

69) NOBRO - “Don’t Die”

An anthemic chorus meant to be belted in a room with sweaty strangers.

68) Oliver Tree f/ blink-182 - “Let Me Down”

The original solo version of this song is 1:52, and though the blink cameo pushes it over the dreaded two minute mark, it adds enough diversity to justify the choice (keep an eye out for the quick Green Day lyrical nod in the back half).

67) AJJ - “Normalization Blues”

This dropped in January, and if you thought the year was bad then. Punk News:

I'll admit I do want the album to age badly because I really don't want to have to listen to it years later and still say this is the world we're living in.

Said album being titled “Good Luck Everybody” is straight cryptic.

66) Selena Gomez - “Rare”

Very chill for big pop; triplet rhythm singing in the chorus gets me erry time.

65) Kid Cudi & Eminem - “The Adventures Of Moon Man & Slim Shady”

Cudi’s second split collab yields bigger results than his Travis Scott joint (admittedly with a worse beat here). It rarely ever hurts to let Eminem do the heavy lifting.

64) Alkaline Trio - “Smokestack”

A little cheerier than the average Alk3 song, but Dan Andriano seems like he’s been in a great place for a long time now; confident and in control. For me, the whole song builds up to the “You changed my life” chorus.

63) Frank Turner - “Scavenger Type”

Here, Frank takes on the acoustic closer to NOFX’s legendary 1994 album “Punk In Drublic”. Though the energy boost is most noticeable, my favorite part is how you can hear how much Turner loves this song as his melody bursts on the verses.

62) Mike Posner - “Alone In A Mansion”

Mike Posner, an artist I have a very soft spot for, released a storytelling concept album in 2020. From the intro track:

This album was written, recorded, and produced over a period of two weeks in Detroit, Michigan in my parents' basement. It's meant to be listened to all the way through. At least on the first listen. And it's about 36 minutes long. If you can't devote 36 minutes of undivided attention to this album, I again politely ask that you turn it off and return at a later time. I love you and I thank you for taking the time to listen in the first place. Also, it's important to note that the characters and the stories in this album are completely fictional. In addition, anyone struggling with a mental illness - depression, schizophrenia - should not listen to this album. Turn it off.

So those are the stakes. Pulling this song -- the record’s closer -- feels unfair void of context, but them’s the breaks.

61) Nada Surf - “Just Wait”

Heavy hitting chorus without having to be heavy; this could really work in a movie.

60) Matt Pond PA - “Wild Heart”

This having only 805 views on YouTube is criminal.

59) Liquid Death - “Unnecessary And Unimpressive”

Liquid Death -- in this iteration -- is a punk rock supergroup with members of Rise Against, Anti-Flag, The Lawrence Arms, and The Bombpops. If that didn’t interest you enough, all lyrics in the project (which, I believe, is for charity) come from hateful comments or negative reviews. Of the four artists involved, this sounds most like a Bombpops song, with Jen on lead vocals as others chime in.

58) PUP - “Rot”

Off my silver medalist for album name of the year (“This Place Sucks Ass”), PUP doesn’t do anything new here, but it was relieving to see them still going in 2020 when so many others got roadblocked, both physically and creatively.

57) Paul Harrold and the Nuclear Bandits - “Massanutten”

This reminds me of local Chicago artist Al Scorch. So much earnestness in the vocals, but a little more prairie for Harrold compared to speakeasy for Scorch. This would be a good road trip song. And I’m not talking about singalong... more for the stretch where you want to sit in silence and look out at the sun-kissed land blazing by. The song’s greatest victory is getting me to like something that cracks 6:00.

Note to future me: Massanutten is in Virginia (saved you a Google).

56) Kesha f/ Sturgill Simpson, Brian Wilson & Wrabel - “Resentment”

Kesha has been vulnerable in the past but never this stripped down sonically; the chorus would feel right at home on a country radio station. Love a good bridge, too.

55) Megan Thee Stallion f/ Beyoncé - “Savage (Remix)”

An up-and-comer pairing with a legend rarely lets down when both sides are this locked in. Bey wins. Fav line: “If you don't jump to put jeans on, baby, you don't feel my pain”.

She matches flows with Megan but also brings melody. Her blessing takes this song from pretty damn good to undeniably great.

That beat, too.

54) Red City Radio - “Baby Of The Year”

If all you want to do right now is grab a drink in a bar, here is a video built to troll.

(Also: a Liquid Death cameo?!)

53) Nathaniel Rateliff - “And It’s Still Alright”

The last time Mr. Rateliff had our attention, he just wanted a drink. That hit had a chorus with the very-sad-when-removed-from-the-song “If I can't get clean, I'm gonna drink my life away” lyric. Well, our man got sober since. And when the party is over, the introspection comes.

52) Direct Hit! - “HAVE YOU SEEN IT?”

Listening to slowed down Direct Hit! is like watching Usain Bolt lightly jog. It kinda makes sense because the core action is there, but it also feels sort of incorrect.

51) Hayley Williams - “Dead Horse”

Solo Hayley songs have this feel like they could do anything at any time... but then don’t. This one does the same until a very fun chorus breaks it up.

50) Kid Cudi f/ Phoebe Bridgers - “Lovin’ Me”

Probably the most improbable collab on this list (if 2020 hadn’t repeatedly taught us to not be surprised by anything).

49) The Homeless Gospel Choir - “Don’t Compare”

Listening to The Homeless Gospel Choir is kind of like getting a dedicated pep talk from a good friend... while fire rains down from the sky.

48) Carly Rae Jepsen - “Let’s Sort The Whole Thing Out”

Queen vocals with one prince of a tempo; this chorus is Sour Patch Kids riding Twix logs down a soda pop waterfall -- and it’s a b-side.

47) Green Day - “Meet Me On The Roof”

I like this song because it reminds me of summer and because it doesn’t really sound like Green Day (but still totally does).

46) Broadway Calls - “Meet Me On The Moon”

Promise -- swear -- I was gonna compare this Broadway Calls song to Green Day before realizing they both had titles about meeting in an escalated location. That said, I did put them next together on purpose to more coherently make this point.

45) David Rokos - “Building Bridges”

My buddy Dave wrote this song, and I think I’ve asked him three times what “burning sugar” meant (he says it’s a reference to absinthe). This song will make you want to travel to enjoy not only the places but the people around you.

44) Charli XCX - “claws”

Charli XCX keeps it futuristic in a video that could be described as sexy, cheesy, goofy, and playful-yet-serious.

43) Brian Fallon - “Lonely For You Only”

This is too easy and should not work (and maybe doesn’t). But that chorus... that circular phrasing... it still takes me all the way out. But I’m the same cat who proposed while a Gaslight Anthem cover was playing.

42) Waxahatchee - “Fire”

This song could be in a different language and hit just as hard.

41) Harry Styles - “Adore You”

Purifying pop.

40) Local H - “Hold That Thought”

Hardest rock song thus far. Local H was one of the first artists to play “live” once the lockdown hit (on a simultaneous YouTube/Facebook stream), and watching them attack music in their Chicago practice bunker felt a little bit like taking in the end of the world. New songs, old songs, covers -- it didn’t matter; their cool, unmatched apathy fits a pandemic or peacetime.

Ironically, was able to see them live in 2020, as they played a socially distanced, outdoor drive up concert in a minor league baseball parking lot. It wasn’t the same, but it was still something.

39) Crazy & The Brains - “I Don’t Deliver Pizza Anymore”

This song is just cool*. The verses feel tense and crucial, it starts to unspool in the pre-chorus, and the chorus itself feels like a light comedown more than anything else.

(* - though the lyric video is docked some points for spelling y’all as “ya’ll”)

38) Drake f/ Fivio Foreign & Sosa Geek - “Demons”

Menacing Drizzy can be very fun from time to time. Also more than happy to keep “Toosie Slide” very far away from this list.

37) Hey Dad!!! - “Life’s Alright”

Small band, big song; though summer feels light-years away.

36) insignificant other - “i’m so glad i feel this way about you”

This song lands a big haymaker in the first few seconds, so it was probably a good call to pull back some for the chorus and, eventually, outro.

35) BTS - “Dynamite”

Heard they made the lyrics bad on purpose for their English hit, which makes sense, because they’re bad. That said, if you listen knowing they’re supposed to be bad, it kinda makes them... good? Listen, 771 million views would have me singing nursery rhymes in Pig Latin.

34) DaBaby f/ RODDY RICCH - “ROCKSTAR”

Someone said this could be the song of the summer, but, because there wasn’t really a summer, I feel like I only heard it once all year. Also, are we really pretending Post Malone* didn’t just do a “like a rockstar” song three years ago?

(* - and N.E.R.D. before that and Cypress Hill before that... though N.E.R.D. only waiting a year after Cypress, so maybe DaBaby actually was patient)

33) The Front Bottoms - “the hard way”

Don’t take it easy on the animal / I am the animal

Not quite sure what this line means, but I fixate on the phrasing every single time. This song sounds resigned in a very self-aware way.

32) The 1975 - “If You’re Too Shy (Let Me Know)”

For a band called The 1975, they sure sound like they’re on their ‘80s shit here. Also, a real thing that happened:

Me: Is he coercing her to get naked?! I thought this band was woke.

/scans lyrics

/notices “She said” before the “Maybe I would like you better if you took off your clothes” line

Me: Ahh.

Sax solo, take us out.

31) Charly Bliss & PUP - “It’s Christmas And I Fucking Miss You”

A song that is already a forever staple on all my future Xmas playlists.

30) 2 Chainz f/ Ty Dolla $ign & Lil Duval - “Can’t Go For That”

Shorty said she love me / I said “I love me back”

This is a real genre blur; rap at its core, but also soulful, funky, and very danceable. Damn creative.

29) Billie Eilish - “Therefore I Am”

Billie's 2020 gave a few singles -- but no new album -- and a body shaming scandal where the backlash to the backlash probably caused more headlines than the tweet that started it all. Still, she stays on cruise control above the clouds; can all eyes be on you if they can’t even make you out?

Video for this is fun, too. Not sure if her running amok in an empty mall is more of a COVID necessity or commentary on the dying retail industry. As always with her, fill in your own blanks for now.

28) Future f/ Drake - “Life Is Good”

This was my most listened to rap song in the first half of the year, and bumping again now, almost forgot how good it is. Drake just chasing one-liner Instagram captions in the first half:

- “Haven’t done my taxes, I’m too turnt up”

- “N****s caught me slipping once, OK, so what?”

- “B****, this is fame not clout, I don’t even know what that’s about”

And, of course, “Workin’ on the weekend like usual”. The man could make anything glamorous. Let’s hit that H&R Block, bro!

Future’s back half is a totally different song and feels mostly like noise, but the vibe is cool, so I don’t even totally mean that in a bad way. You can even make out a “Got Promethazine in my blood and Percocet” lyric to mark your Future bingo card and immediately move on.

27) I’m Glad It’s You - “The Silver Cord”

This song feels like cold air blowing on the back of your neck.

(Sidebar: thought this band was called The Silver Cord until literally right now)

26) The Spill Canvas - “Mercy”

A dreamy, distorted, at-home version of whatever you remember The Spill Canvas sounding like. This song is confessional and at peace, with the Grade A self-loathing we’ve come to love from this band.

25) 100 gecs f/ Charli XCX, Rico Nasty & Kero Kero Bonito - “ringtone (remix)”

100 gecs first hit my radar with the explosively obnoxious “money machine”, but that’s a 2019er, so this remix to “ringtone” will have to do. It’s catchy like a younger sibling persistently singing a song you’re sick of hearing*.

(* - /only child trying to work in sibling analogies)

24) iann dior f/ Machine Gun Kelly & Travis Barker - “Sick And Tired”

Iann Dior -- ...yeah -- channels Juice WRLD on the hook, and MGK/Travis Barker buoy a track that, honestly, doesn’t really even need the help.

23) Nick Lutsko - “Unleash Your Spirit”

Lutsko hit my radar on Twitter with some legendary political anthems (word to the RNC and Dan Bongino + his Dashboard Trump parody). “Unleash Your Spirit” is the song I most fear hearing (or even thinking of) within a few minutes of going to bed. Not because it’s Halloween theme is scary -- because it’s that god damn catchy. It permeates your brain. True story: a week ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with “Bobbing for apples with the boys” so ingrained in my head, it felt like someone was standing there yelling it through a megaphone.

22) Dogleg - “Kawasaki Backflip”

Bad 2020 robbed many concerts from us, and not getting to see this band live might take the cake. I end the year liking them but could have been *all in* with the right performance and the right venue. Also, Song Title of the Year until further notice.

21) Eminem f/ Juice WRLD - “Godzilla”

Eminem has all of the words and all of the lyrical dexterity, but sometimes it feels like there isn’t anything to ground him. Enter: one of the best beats he’s ever spit on and a Juice WRLD hook to give it pop angle. But let’s not put Slim in the corner -- when he starts accelerating at the end, it’s is a true “holy fuck” moment. It sounds faster than if you actually fast forwarded.

The video ends with a touching audio message from Juice WRLD.

20) Soccer Mommy - “circle the drain”

This song is so gloriously ‘90s; it leans in and does not care.

19) Sam Russo - “Always Lost”

The first time I met you, we were on the last bus You passed me a bottle, and I knew you were one of us

Took 25 words to hook me; I was txting friends before the first chorus even hit.

18) Sincere Engineer - “Trust Me”

Deanna Belos pushes her vocals in this one. I asked about the performance, and she said it was one of the first ones they recorded in the studio, but when they were done and listening back to everything, she re-did this track because her throat was much more used to what the song required.

“That’s why it sounds like I’m on roids lol,” she added.

17) Jay Electronica f/ JAY-Z - “Flux Capacitor”

Jay Electronica signed to Roc Nation in November of 2010. At of the start of 2020, he had still -- STILL HOW FUCKING STILL -- not released a debut album. When he announced it was finally dropping in February, it was met with skeptic eyes. He’d “announced” before. Shit, he’d even posted track lists of albums that never saw the light of day. He was a tease’s tease. It ended up getting a release date of March 12. As the pandemic got really bad in the March 11 zone, he finally had an actual reason to delay the proceedings (the plan: a studio live stream listening party*).

But no -- this is Jay Electronica. Why wouldn’t he drop as the world was ending? The same reason why his costar wouldn’t not have a watch like a Saudi prince. It had to end for it to happen. I wish I saved the memes, because they were fantastic. All I have is my own Twitter memory to prove it happened:

I love this song entirely: the “get the gat” hook (soooo New Orleans), Hov calling out the NFL/acquaintances clout chasing his potential death/rapping forever bars, Jay Elect’s ham-fisted and awkward ass Farrakhan line. Everything is exactly where it should be.

Final verdict on the full album: I don’t know, a B or B+? It had a lot more Jay-Z than expected (wooo), but -- and I rarely say this -- it could have actually been longer.

16) New Found Glory - “Greatest Of All Time”

NFG with a song referencing the Jordan-Rodman-Pippen Bulls only a few months before “The Last Dance” aired. Dare we call it marketing genius? The punk beat does not care; the punk beat is too busy taking souls.

15) Dave Hause f/ Amythyst Kiah & Kam Franklin - “Your Ghost”

“I can’t breathe”

On the heels of the George Floyd/BLM protests came Dave Hause’s somber attempt to capture the moment, desperation, and hurt. On a podcast, he said he was aware he might not ever lead the movement but still wanted to contribute something in an effort to use his platform as a white artist to change someone, anyone’s mind going forward.

14) Taylor Swift - “this me trying”

The chorus makes me feel like the crowd is parting like the Red Sea on a high school -- shit, no, middle school -- dance floor; smoke machine and all. Your crush is waiting for you on the other side. What are you going to say?

13) Phoebe Bridgers - “Kyoto”

Phoebe is one of the best lyricists out because of her specificity, but even though this song is about her dad, you can really fit it to your own narrative.

12) The Lawrence Arms - “Last, Last Words”

The Lawrence Arms wrote their new record (which singer Chris McCaughan described as “this end of the world outpost”) prior to the pandemic, but once you start to process album themes -- and research its namesake -- you do wonder. All of this, combined with some “Catcher In The Rye” references, and we’ve got ourselves a winning formula.

Dressed to kill for oblivion

11) New Lenox - “Fairytale Of Gary, Indiana”

Your boy plays drums and is on the cover art for this one. Dave Rokos wrote the tune, which references The Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York”. Good news: no slurs in the Gary version. We’ll have you in and out in 90 seconds. Also: say hello to the recording debut of Alisa Caruso (some backup vox at the end).

10) Beach Slang - “Tommy In The 80s”

My most played song of 2020, but it really was more of a byproduct of how early in the year the album dropped. I’m still such a sucker for it, though. Other than forced nostalgia, not totally sure what the track is about. Did learn Beach Slang recruited former Replacements bassist Tommy Stinson to play on their LP, which was named -- /deepest of breaths -- “The Deadbeat Bang of Heartbreak City” (so maybe it has something to do with that).

9) Juice WRLD f/ Mashmello - “Come & Go”

The :55 mark. Wait until the :55 mark. When the guitar kicks in and tempo doubles, we have a real “oh, shit!” moment. I knew who Juice was when he passed but only “Liquid Dreams”. His 2020 album (“Legends Never Die”) showed us of what could have been; 55 minutes, loaded with cameos and creativity and experimentation. This song had me in its gravitational pull immediately. By the end of the year, they were using it on sports broadcasts, and it felt like a ubiquitous part of the culture.

One of my favorite days of 2020 was visiting the Juice mural in Chicago with my wife. We went impulsively during the day after someone posted a picture on Twitter.

I snapped one of my own and posted to IG with the Signals Midwest lyric “There is such quiet grace in private moments in public spaces”. The band responded with “RIP JUICE”; the perfect online exchange.

Shortly after, I was out with a different group of friends, and we went back at night. This time, it was protected by a fence you had to squeeze past. When we got through, there were kids in there smoking, taking pictures, just hanging out; empty liquor bottles lined the bottom of the mural. Even though it didn’t take all that long to make it there, it still felt like a journey and total ‘movie moment in real life’; a complete rarity in a year like 2020.

8) Mac Miller - “Good News”

Maybe I’ll lay down for a little...

Sadly continuing the theme of artists gone too soon, we have this reflective Mac Miller single, which feels more like self-eulogy than traditional rap. You feel it the entire time. The song crests with “There’s a whole lot more for me waitin’ on the other side”, and it conveys a readiness for whatever happens next.

7) The Dirty Nil - “Done With Drugs”

I don’t pray to Jesus or even own a suit

We lost the creators of our last two songs to substances, and, if we are to take this song at face value, The Dirty Nil don’t want to go down the same path. Drying out never sounded so cool and defiant... until the IKEA suggestion.

6) The Weeknd - “Blinding Lights”

Uptempo Abel is undefeated. My favorite pop song of 2020 has you feeling like you’re speeding through the empty streets of nighttime Las Vegas in a stolen car; indifferent to your environment, only tuned in to your personal desire.

And, on the lamer side of the spectrum, it spawned a catchy TikTok dance.

5) Spanish Love Songs - “Self-Destruction (As A Sensible Career Choice)”

It won’t be this bleak forever... yeah, right.

SLS has always been over-the-top with their lyrics spotlighting the hopelessness of the human condition -- so it was the *perfect* combo to being locked inside with nothing looking to forward to. Bonus: fun cake video.

Though the song’s core is uncut despair, a random moment I remember from 2020 was my wife telling me “I can hear you smiling as you’re singing” from another room as I belted the despondent chorus.

4) Worst Party Ever - “False Teeth”

This song sounds like The Front Bottoms; insecure yet so full.

3) Run The Jewels - “the ground below”

There were a lot of songs *about* 2020, but I’m not sure any artist soundtracked what being alive now is like more than RTJ. My favorite rap song and rap record of 2020.

Fav Killer Mike line: “Not a holy man, but I'm moral in my perversiveness / So I support the sex workers unionizing their services”

Fav El-P line: “I'll slap a dying child he don't pronounce my name correct”

2) The Menzingers - “America Pt. 2″

The Menzingers unexpectedly released an acoustic, re-done version of 2019′s “America (You’re Freaking Me Out)” single. It dropped on my birthday -- June 5th, 2020 -- as the rage in this country boiled over and protesters took to the streets. Though some of the lyrics remained the same, the new ones were changed with true purpose:

Well George Floyd was murdered by a cop The whole world saw the video and watched Now justice is long overdue Grab your pitchforks, we’re heading to Pennsylvania Avenue

I had nothing left when the first pre-chorus hit: “I hope the Devil and Donald and Mitch McConnell rot in hell for all tomorrows”. Tattoo this on my fucking soul.

All funds from the song were donated to Community Bail Funds (via Act Blue) & Campaign Zero. I purchased the track before hearing a note.

1) Machine Gun Kelly - “My Bloody Valentine”

Going into the year, I couldn’t tell you the difference between Machine Gun Kelly and Mac Miller -- now they’re both fixtures in this Top 10. All I really knew about MGK involved tattoos and a rap battle lost to Eminem (not that anyone ever beats Eminem).

In 2020, he took a punk/emo turn, with the services of GOAT drummer Travis Barker and new squeeze Megan Fox at his side. This song’s lyrics could potentially be cheesy but aren’t -- they all land. From the simulation going bad to not wanting “fake love” to all the damn second guessing and the earnestness that just won’t let you off the mat.

Every piece to the puzzle adds something: the messy hair, the Ken doll build, the forced iconic pink guitar that now feels actually iconic. It was almost like no one had any fun this year so he could have all of it on our behalf. There’s a half second shot of him sticking his tongue our during the pre-chorus, a joy 99.99% of us never got to feel.

The album itself was just as fantastic*; a 2000′s pop punk throwback with a Halsey duet, horrible skits (hi, Pete Davidson FaceTime), OpIvy lyrical nod (complete with a royalty check), a warp speed punk track that doesn’t even crack the minute mark, your token 6/8 ballad, acoustic closer (about his daughter), and some experimentation that leaves the new genre but still stays nearby; shades of Lil Peep, if he had Blink-182 as his backing band. Speaking of, please do not miss Travis’ fill at the 2:30 mark.

(* - named “Tickets To My Downfall”... woof)

MGK could get cancelled tomorrow, but we’ll always have this year in a bottle. The acoustic version of the song (sung in a lower resister), the 10 minute making of video (that I watched, uh, twice)... shit, he even turned it into a medley at the start of 2021.

It might be cliche to say “stay winning”, but when someone stacks this many W’s with no end in sight, what the fuck else do you call it? Real love.

* * *

Thank you so much for reading. Here is the Spotify playlist (includes 87 of the 88 songs).

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