#when ADHD strikes while you're looking for something

[alex-guerin]

Guys...all I wanted was a blankie out of the chest under my window. My room was all nice and picked up...then I went and upset a delicate balance and now I sit on my bed wondering what hurricane blew thru my room while I looked for my blankie, going, "Okay...this looks bad..."

[malikselfindulgence]

TRAFFIC LIGHT TRIO X READER STUDY DATE HEADCANONS [seperate + all together!]

Content: reader is gender neutral, could be interpreted as either romantic or platonic

Headcanons under the cut!

RED SON:

☆ tries his best to keep you actually focused on the task at hand- doesn't let you goof off, but will allow consistent breaks

☆ but alas, once you've asked him a single question he'll derail the conversation twenty times over until he's completely off-topic and explaining something not even in your curriculum

☆ not that you mind- it's nice seeing him get passionate over topics he's into

☆ he tends to get absorbed into whatever he's working on, so study dates are a good way to get him to eat and drink water regularly alongside you

☆ I headcanon him as autistic, so parallel play is one of his favorite things! Enjoys being in your company while you each do your own seperate thing

☆ gets very easily frustrated if you're studying something not in his field of expertise [think molecular biology, literature, world geography] and you ask for his help only for him to not understand the question

☆ now it's your turn to try and keep him focused instead of going on a long-winded rant about how he's very smart and knowledgeable and this book is actually stupid and also he's-

MEI:

☆ you get a surprising amount of work done when you're with her!

☆ Mei's pretty good at balancing work and fun- she knows when to leave you be so you can focus on your studies, and when to strike up a conversation so you don't get too bored or stressed out

☆ she has a study date playlist specifically for the both of you that she updates frequently- she tries to keep her rock/metal songs out of it so it doesn't startle you and break your attention

☆ she's very horrible at explaining things- you ask her to help you with a question and although she understands the concept, she uses such convoluted metaphors and analogies that leave you more confused than before

☆ she likes holding your hand or sitting in your lap while you both work- just touching you in some way

☆ comes up with funny abbreviations for things you have to memorise

☆ gives you little pecks/kisses every once in a while, and near the end of your date when you're both burnt out, she'll give you a sleepy cuddle session while flipping through your flash cards

MK:

☆ oh boy

☆ where do I even start

☆ half of it is spent trying to wrangle MK into his desk, and the other half is spent trying to get him to open his books

☆ has a surprising amount of niche hyper-specific knowledge about various subjects, but if you ask him about the basics his mind'll blank

☆ tries his best to make the environment as comfortable for you as possible- utensils all set, cushions for your back, snacks and drinks on the table, reminders to stretch so your back doesn't hurt

☆ playing loud music tends to help him settle down and get some work done- you have to be holding his hand so he doesn't fidget around, though

☆ doodles on your notebooks/sticky-notes, usually small sketches of you or of himself giving you a thumbs up, flowers, hearts, little messages about how you're doing super well and you're super smart. It's really endearing and helps keep your morale up

☆ his attention span is very very low [I headcanon him as having ADHD], so he has to take multiple breaks in between. If you're still working while his mind is un-focused he'll braid your hair to keep his hands busy

RED SON + MEI + MK:

☆ yeah, you're not getting anything done today

☆ Mei and Mk together are a force to be reckoned with- and Red Son only adds fuel to the fire

☆ Mei and Mk'll make stupid jokes, Red Son'll tell them to shut up so he can focus, they'll make fun of him, he'll reply with a defensive and louder insult, and the cycle repeats

☆ if you ask a question, everyone'll be fighting to try and take a look at your book and help

☆ cue ensuing argument that lasts well into 20 minutes because all of them have a different answer

☆ upon googling it, you tell them that they're all wrong, actually

☆ even though you end up not doing anything, it's still a lot of fun- they're moreso just normal hangouts with the false advertisement of being productive

☆ the only time you get any work done with them is if it's the night before finals and you have to cram- the stress radiating off of you keeps their mouths shut

[Reminder that requests are open!]

[self-indulgent-devils]

Valentino becoming attached to a reader that is nothing like his whores and stuff. I explored this a bit in my shy reader drabbles, but like. He ends up running into a demon and finds them so precious, but they're also nothing like what he usually sees in his business. And especially with Angel being a little bitch to him, he becomes absolutely fascinated by you. He wants to know more about you and if he can't get it directly from you then OF COURSE he's going to have his precious Voxie get information on you. And every time he learns about something you like, Val just becomes more intrigued. Bonus points if you're secretly super horny too and just don't show it. He loves the idea of a "secret slut."

But he just becomes more and more intrigued by you and obsessed with you. Val tries to find ways to guarantee he will just accidentally "run into you." It's totally random, what a coincidence! And he'll strike up a conversation. Not much for talking? Oh well. He's going to try to get you talking. If not, he wants you to at least be listening. Always making sure you're paying attention and not ignoring him. If he thinks you're ignoring him especially if you're like autistic or adhd or something and so it SEEMS like you're not paying attention when really you are, he will become somewhat domineering. Leaning close regardless of your size and using that sickly sweet threatening voice, asking you if you're paying attention. Because he would HATE to be ignored. You better make it clear you are too because he even well may not be it. He's used to people lying to him just to save their own skin and he hates people doing that.

After a while of talking or multiple instances of talking, he'll probably ask if there's a way to get in contact with you. Acting as if it's a choice and you have an option when honestly, he already has your socials and your number and even your address if he was that obsessed.

He'll want to invite you to his work at some point. Or maybe to some event celebrating the release of one of his films. Or an award ceremony for one of his films. If you don't have anything to wear then he'll buy you it. Valentino would LOVE to send you clothes. He could easily figure out your size, but he'll let you tell him it instead. Or he may just ask to *personally* measure you himself~ And Val will make sure it fits PERFECTLY. And if it's messed up at all then someone is getting fired. (Or torn apart and shot.) He wants his new little obsession to look good anyway.

Valentino may be a major sugar baby with Vox, but with someone he's obsessed with, he loves to be a sugar daddy. He will spoil you, dress you up, treat you like his personal doll. He wants someone that looks good. It's okay if you don't know how to do that, he can handle it. Even if he's dressing you up, he'll still let you choose your style. If you want to be more goth or emo or any alternative subculture, he will just get you the finest clothes in that. If you want to wear clothes you're more connected to due to cultural reasons, he will ensure that he gets you exactly that. You can look good in ANYTHING you wear so it doesn't matter what your specific style is, as long as it's luxurious and makes you look like a darling little prize.

And as terrifying as Valentino is, he WILL protect you. No one is going to lay their hands on you. If someone even says something rude or gives you a funny look or so much as steps out of line, then he's going to lose it. You will stay in arm's reach of him almost all of the time when he brings you anywhere. You're his new baby. It doesn't matter if you CAN take care of yourself, you better let HIM do it anyway. Because you're his. And he takes care of things that belong to him.

One last bonus thing is Valentino painting you. Oh if he can paint then he will ABSOLUTELY take a chance to paint you. He doesn't paint often because of his horrible moth vision, but we can pretend he can still paint well. He will make you a masterpiece and hang it up in his private room so even when you may be away, he will have a way to look at you. And you better believe this man knows and loves art. Valentino is a fine artist that enjoys quality. That's why his films can do so well after all even if they are just porn. Even if he doesn't care about some, but when it's something or someone he absolutely cares for then he is going to ensure the finest quality in everything.

And right now, that's you. You're that special thing to him. It doesn't matter if you're bigger or smaller or the same size. It doesn't matter if you're fat or thin or average. It doesn't matter. You're different than most of his whores. Whether it's cause you're shyer or if you're less sexual or even asexual or if you're just far more ballsy than most of his employees. He is absolutely fascinated with you the way you are and no way in HELL is he going to let someone else get to you first. Valentino doesn't care what it takes, you WILL be his. You WILL belong to the one and only Valentino himself.

[https-furina]

Hello! Can I req sugar 'n' spice prompt 26 with scaramouche??^^

✎ means of silence.

ft. scaramouche x gn!reader

prompt: "i love you, but you need to shut up."

w.c. 760 words

content: fluff, partner most likely has adhd (or just a very quick, talkative brain teehee), as always harbinger! scara

notes: aaaaa content for my favourite harbinger~

standing before a bunch of fatui lackeys that he's supposed to be commanding and not to mention also tartaglia - scaramouche keeps glaring at him in disgust, why is he even here? - scaramouche is suddenly questioning his choice of bringing you to 'work.' you've got the fatui soldiers entraced with tales from other lands, yapping with the biggest smile on your face. even childe is humoured, a smug look on his face when he sees the absolute deadpan scaramouche is giving everyone in the vicinity.

he figured grown men and women such as these fools wouldn't be so wrapped around your fingers the way they are but when your eyes light up at a particularly interesting part of the story, their eyes also widen in excitement. it's no hidden secret that you're extremely pretty, some may even call you breathtakingly gorgeous but never within earshot of your boyfriend - unless they have a death wish. the fatui find you innocent and amusing compared to the harbinger bosses and they do sometimes wonder how in teyvat scaramouche landed you.

some of them in particular are fascinated by how you can jump topics so effortlessly - and forget the previous one while you're at it. you could be talking to them about the fungi in sumeru but it reminds you of a funny story about your friend nilou, it's only a matter of seconds before you forget completely that you was even talking about fungi in the first place. scaramouche would lie if he didn't find it amusing when he has to remind you about the actual conversation you're supposed to be having, watching you purse your lips before correcting yourself.

scoffing lightly at how his soldiers seem to be leaning ever so slightly closer to you in their trances, scaramouche finds his lanky fingers wrapping around your wrist before he tugs you roughly out of earshot - especially for his sake, considering childe's striking blue eyes are watching like a hawk. you yelp, pouting with puffed cheeks. so childlike, scaramouche thinks as his eyes fall down on you.

"i love you," he starts and you quirk a brow, who is he and what has he done with your boyfriend? "but you need to shut up."

a wave of relief washes over you, there it is. that snark tone and scary aura he carries so confidently everywhere he steps - not that it could ever fool you. you've seen behind closed doors, when the curtains are shut and nobody else is around. albeit he doesn't drop his grumpy façade but he's softer, a hand cupping the edge of your writing desk when you bend down to pick up something you've dropped so that you don't whack your head on the mahogany or perhaps, when you wake up some mornings and there's a mildly bitter aroma of tea wafting around the house because he woke up early to cook you shimi chazuke.

"maybe i should be a harbinger," you tease him playfully, making the male scoff in disbelief, "they listen to me."

"because you won't shut up about some alcoholic in mondstadt-" he groans and you huff, hands on your hips when you cut him off.

"his name is venti!" you exclaim softly. scaramouche could really care less. he knows exactly what his name is but he also knows that the tone-deaf bard is the country of anemo's archon - that much you do not appear to know, "anyways, you're going to have to make me shut up! they like my stories."

scaramouche bites his tongue until the metallic taste of his own blood fills his mouth and he furrows his brows. he has so much authority here, in front of his own soldiers - mayhaps not when it comes to tartaglia, despite the hierarchy of the harbingers - and yet you haven't an ounce of fear for him. you never have feared him no matter how much he's tried to scare you, it's futile. there's a smug grin appearing on your face when you notice that scaramouche has no means of shutting you up. he's silent, as if thinking but when you open your mouth to speak the harbinger has leaned down and locked his lips to yours in a sealed kiss.

that works, you think as your eyelashes flutter shut and scaramouche's pointer finger and thumb grip at your chin, tilting your head up to him. in the distance, the eleventh harbinger rolls his eyes with a chuckle. you really do have all these fatui men wrapped around your finger.

© https-heizou 2023.

[val-the-protoss-simp]

I ONCE AGAIN FORGOT ABOUT THIS DAMN BLOG

CURSE MY ADHD AAAAAA

ANYWAY

Part three of this ask, the Nerazim

Part 1/3 the Tal'darim

Part 2/3 the Khalai Part 3/3 the Nerazim <- you're here

Anar. The oldest of N&N babies. Nothing much to say about them aside from that they're a reclusive phase smith (or the Nerazim equivalent to one) They’re good at what they do and they know it, which can lead to them coming off as rather arrogant and full of themselves. They also have your average "oldest child syndrome" and tend to parent their siblings, who are adults and literally hundreds of years old in most cases, which once again is something that often makes them look patronising.

Elyon. A very underdeveloped character for now. I keep putting their writing off because I don't feel like I can portray their story adequately just yet. Yet. They're half Khalani, half Nerazim, the oopsie baby of Zhakul and Tali and because of this mixed heritage, they struggle to “decide” who they want to be in a world where the Nerazim and Khalai society haven't really integrated yet. In a world where not many mixed protoss exist just yet, they fel like they don't really belong in either society and grow up shy and reclusive because of this.

Their end game was to become an Alyssar. Because this little bean is, like, so hungry for knowledge. You know how humans are inherently hungry for money? Elyon’s like that, only with information. Anything is fair game, from knowledge about botany, philosophy, terran theater plays, the way plasma based engines work, molecular structure of a sandwich, etc. They don't necessarily want to do anything with it, like become a doctor or a politician or even a scholar, they just want to have it, to know, to understand. Eventually a few centuries down the line, they move their ass to Ehlna and join the other Alyssar. 

You could also argue it's a coping mechanism. Elyon will live for centuries, like all protoss, but their terran family won't. The grief that strikes them when Jake passes away (and Zhakul's visceral reaction to it) as well as the horror of seeing Harper get older and older in front of their eyes while they stay young, frightens them. So they occupy their brain with other things just so they don't have to think about this, and learning about crop rotation and quantum entanglement seems to be the thing!! 

Elyon also keeps their cords uncut despite frequently feeling the societal presure to do otherwise. This is mostly because it's the only way they get to feel close to one of their fathers, Talizun, who is a previously mangled zealot currently enlosed in the shell of a dragoon. They especially begin to rely on this bond after Jake's passing.

Nanzak. A very tall, very lanky middle-aged protoss lady. (middle-aged for THEIR standard. So she's like 600 years old) Very quiet, reserved, may come off as cold, unfriendly or even mean to others, but really she just likes her peace and personal space.

She's a performer and a dancer originating from a nomadic tribe deep within the midnight deserts of Shakuras. I really like the idea that a sense of family and tribes is very strong within certain Nerazim communities and Nanzak comes from one. The desert tribes have a different outlook on life, which then takes shape in their customs and culture. She'd be considered sort of an outsider in the more urban areas, mostly because she sticks to her tribe's customs and doesn't want to mitigate it whatsoever. She's proud of who she is, very secure in her place in life and society and if someone doesn't like it, that sounds like a them problem. 

She's absolutely and irrevocably in love with her short husband, who she has like seven kids with (something very usual with the the protoss, since most have like two to three offsprings in life IN TOTAL) Speaking of-

Narzul. As mentioned previously, he's Nanzak’s short husband and a complete opposite of her when it comes to personality. He's social, loud, kind of a joker, open and curious. Also quite clumsy compared to her (everyone is clumsy compared to her)

He's a very skilled medic who was travelling all over Shakuras in his youth to quench his thirst of curiosity and that's how they met. They've been together for like four centuries now, have seven kids and are absolutely that couple in public that is way too comfortable with PDA. You know the one. He also absolutely will start talking about his wife and how much he loves her and how cool and perfect she is every chance he gets and won't shut up for hours. Your fault for asking.

After Haven and Shakuras boot up their diplomacy programme, he eagerly joins as the protoss's designated medic. Mostly because he's very very curious about terran medical science and wanted an excuse to to eagerly study it. Now he can do that while there's also so many terrans running around that he can talk to about their whacky boddies?? It's like a dream come true! (he WILL ask about your bowel movements nearly every morning buckaroo you better get used to it) which eventually leads to him being curious about different aspects of terran culture as well.

He also has a role as a sort of an emotional anchor (???) during the time Zhakul is expecting Elyon. This is an unplanned baby that neither Zhakul or Jake feel like they're ready for and are lowkey (highkey) panicking about it, especially Jake, who doesn't feel like he could ever be an adequate father figure to anyone ever. Narzul helps midigate that in a way only a wise old man that's seen it all can do.

Ulzea. The one thing I can say about her is that she’s very pink in my head. And that’s about it fjdvikjbvf

Funny how she’s existed for about *checks watch* fourteen years and there’s barely anything to say about her (even her name, Ulzea, was recycled from a different character that I renamed last year) This is because she was never really a person to begin with. I make it no secret that this entire AU is based off of my frequent daydreaming from when I was a teenager trying to cope with an unfavourable family situation. The thing with daydreams is that they make for an excellent distraction and are a good tool for coming up with ideas, but they make terrible stories when they’re put on paper, namely because of their overly long, complex and often nonsensical narratives that are more aimed to the be self-gratifying to the daydreamer rather than be fully realised, balanced stories.

But I digress. Ulzea is a victim of this. I think the best way to describe her would be that she’s to Zhakul what Vorazun is to Artanis during the events of LotV, that being that she acts as an exposition dump whenever he needs to listen to some Nerazim lore. Ulzea is worse than Vorazun, given that Vorazun is still, you know, a character of her own with her own personality and growth and so on. Ulzea never had this.

The reason why I never talked about her is because she’s essentially been written out of Zhakul’s story because of this. She was more of a narrative device for me to arrange my headcons about the Nerazim rather than anything else, which I achieved by having her dumping this information onto Zhakul, who only just got to Shakuras after living with terrans for some sixteen years and had no idea how to be a protoss. She’s just no longer needed as a character because Zhakul learns of his heritage in a more organic way, but recently I’m thinking about bringing her back if not for any other reason that she’s pretty (also because Zhakul just. Needs more protoss friends who are close to his age)

Uszadar. One of Narzul and Nanzak’s several babies. He lives in the more rural parts of Shakuras, specifically around the crater where the Xel’laga Temple is situated, but due to his lifestyle tends to be mostly nomadic. 

I have a terrible habit of fixating on small features and details in media that regular people don't tend to give a shit about, which is also a case here. I love the kakarus. I have loved them since I first played Brood Wars at the ripe age of six. They were my favourite critter in the entire game and stayed as such to this day as well. I always envisioned them as, like, flying mounts for the protoss because kiddie me was obsessed with dragons, dragon riders and the 2002 Dinotopia miniseries that featured the skybax. So big flying lizard-thing mean alien ride too, yes? 

Anyway, the joys of having my own AU means I can do whatever I want, so I say the protoss ride kakarus. It's mostly something done in the more rural parts of Shakuras because the more urban areas just use modern technology for the transport of cargo, people and messages. At this point it's the equivalent to how us humans keep horses. Something that used to be widespread and important for the function of society is nowadays mostly a hobby. Uszadar is mostly on the practical side of things, still utilising kakarus for transport and to reach the more rural parts of Shakuras, as well as doing conservationist work for the species, preserving their natural environment as well as studying them both in the wild and in captivity. 

Meaning that, yes, he's a horse girl. 

Zeredar. Once again, this is one of Nanzak and Narzul’s babies. She was originally gonna die during the second invasion of Shakuras but then my friends convinced me to let her live (boo) so she continues to unleash herself on the rest of the world. I see her as someone with a very dry sense of humour, which often makes her come off as rude or mean. She’s also the kind of person who can keep an absolute deadpan expression while telling the most hilarious joke you have ever heard. She’s also very dramatic and sassy, something she gets from her mother.

Funnily enough, however, I also see her as a fairly cheerful person, similar to how her father is, despite what her sense of humour may suggest. It’s a bit harder to see this side of her, you have to get to know her better first, but under all that sass and sarcasm, she has a generally positive outlook on life and people, doing what she can to see the best in everyone and everything. She’s very proud of her work and is confident in it's quality, similar to her oldest sibling, and is also a very confident person overall.

The injury she suffered during the invasion doesn’t slow her down one bit and she continues to find beauty and happiness in her life regardless of it.

Zhakul’s mothers

Yeahhhhhhh…they don’t have names ifgvidhvvd

I’m pretty sure you can see a trend by now aaaaaaaaaa

They’re just as old as him, turning 14 years this year, but unlike him, they're are barely concepts. Which is fine in the case of this particular story, given that it’s not about them and they more or less exist so Zhakul can have certain aspects of his backstory set in place, like that he’s related to Vorazun through one of them, or that he eventually decides to walk in their footsteps as an elite member of the Matriarch’s personal Shadow Guard.

They were fully dedicated to their duties and very happy as only a couple, never intentionally trying for a baby. Which is partially the reason for why Zhakul is born when they’re fairly old, being in their early 700s. They both loved him very very much and would happily claim that the few years they got to spend with him before their untimely deaths were the happiest years in their long lives.

Both of them die a few months before the events of WoL. With the zerg invasion beginning anew, many protoss colonies were evacuated as a safety measure, including the one they were escorting. This was during the time the Dominion was kicking its Hybrid Program into overdrive and needed, um, material, to be able to build these guys from. I see you know where this is going. The ship on which the protoss were being evacuated on got seized by Dominion secret forces, resulting in a great loss of life, which included both of Zhakul’s mother. 

AND SPEAKING OF-

Zhakul!! My baby, my little innocent bean, precious cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure. Oh, how good it feels to torture him-

Um. Anyway.

This is the oldest OC I have. Period. He was conceptualised in summer 2010 when Wings of Liberty first came out and I played through the campaign for the first time. I fell in love with this game all over again, and came up with Zhakul as a way to organise my thoughts on it because I just could not stop thinking about it. Many things in the AU changed, he mostly remained the same. From the day I first imagined him up until now, he underwent very minor design changes and very small changes to his overall story. This is because he is perfect and has no flaw-

The only other character I can think of that I am more attached to other than him is Jake (who is also nearly as old as Zhakul) who he is essentially attached to the hip to and an integral part of his story, just like he is in Jake’s. They meet shortly after Zhakul is rescued by the Raiders from Castanar, where he was held captive and experimented on. The story of how the Raiders dumped him on Haven is a bit long and I think I already spoke of this on this blog anyway (???) He then integrates into terran society and becomes a part of Jake’s family, almost being like his adoptive brother but not really because he’s an alien being raised by humans. Still, he’s loved just as much by them.

He continues to suffer from terrible anxiety and rather intense ptsd episodes from when he was held captive and experimented on, which was something his terran family did their best to help him with, but there’s only so much therapy made for humans, by humans, can do to help an alien, not to mention when said alien struggles with trauma as heavily as Zhakul does. This eventually results in him severely hurting Jake in one of his episodes by slashing his chest open, after which he panics and runs away from Haven to Shakuras.

(How does he get to Shakuras? No idea. Its been a plothole for the past fourteen years.)

There he gets a bit of a culture shock because he’s been living with terrans for the past sixteen years or so and has no idea what it means to be protoss. Essentially, he’s a terran in protoss skin and I remember that one of my favourite things to think about was how confusing his learnt mannerisms would be to everyone else (like how protoss tilt their head instead of chuckling meanwhile us humans do it when we’re confused. I imagine this lead to quite a few SituationsTM)

A lot of stuff happens here. Zhakul originally only ran away for the sake of running away but eventually figured out the protoss will surely be able to offer better help than terrans? So he gets it into his head that he will go to whatever equivalent of therapy the Nerazim have and then come back to Haven, because more than anything he yearns to be with his family and with Jake. A lot of things happen here, namely events that include Dal and Tali, showing that him that he cannot deal with his issues by burying them deep inside him and pretending they’re not real, but rather by admitting to himself that they happened and learning to accept it and let go. 

A lot of Zhakul’s story is about trauma, coping with it and about healing from it. About learning that your past does not define you as a person and that it’s on you to decide who you are, not other people. The past cannot be erased, so why continuously dwell on it? Mistakes are made, relationships are broken and lost, but being forever attached to all of this and pondering how it could have been different is pointless. What you can do is learn from it, change your future, put effort into being the best version of yourself that you can be, for the sake of yourself and those around you.

He does eventually come back to Haven to make amends, but what happens is once again long and convoluted and more focused on Jake rather than him, because the gremlin human also needs his own character arc. They end up leading a pretty interesting life together, full of adventure and other various shenanigans, but writing about that would end in a much longer essay than this is already. Anyway, Zhakul is my baby and a personal favourite, the One That Started It All and my favourite punching bag.

[nobodysdaydreams]

THE WOLF359 CAST IS INCREDIBLY TALENTED AND I LOVE THIS! (or my reaction to the Wolf359 Live Show)

"Another Wolf359 reaction already? But Bods, I thought you said you were busy?" Yes indeed I am my friends, if I wasn't busy, I would have finished the podcast by now. In my younger days, I did all of ATLA in a weekend. Sadly at this age, I can't be doing that kind of bingeing. I'm also tired, because I've been studying all day and figured why not take a little break and watch the Wolf359 Live Show?

I firstly wanted to give a shoutout to @commsroom for not only telling me about when to watch the live show (after episode 26), but also telling me that it is on youtube where you can watch it live so thank you so much!

Tagging the mutuals who got me invested in this, and if you want to be tagged or untagged from these posts, lmk, or you can follow my blog or simply follow the tag "#bods wolf359 reactions". Anyone who has followed me for a while knows my updates are inconsistent, so I apologize in advance for that and for any spelling/grammar mistakes in my posts. Especially in this one because it is late, and I am tired.

@sophieswundergarten @oflightningandstars @acollectionofcuriousreblogs @herawell

Wolf359 Live Show Reaction:

"First ever life show" - are there other live shows?

Oh okay this is very helpful. So it's in the middle of Episode 26, so right in the middle of what I just listened to, that makes a lot more sense.

I honestly don't care about the audio quality difference this is amazing.

Uh...pretty sure Cutter is not the forces of good... see Doug this is why you always read the fine print! It's like that ominous song...the one that was a tik tok audio? The one about an evil corporation in space? I think it might have been video game music? You guys know what I'm talking about please tell me I didn't imagine this.

YES THE ONE COPY OF HOME ALONE 2 COMES BACK!

PLEASE- the way Doug is telling the story is the way I tell stories "Hilbert strikes back: specifically Doug's circulatory system" 😂

"Palpatine MD" 😂

I love how they enter in as their characters are introduced.

I love Hera though it is weird to hear her voice clear without coming through the intercoms.

Zach is doing a fantastic job I love how he's moving around Minkowski to play both Hilbert and Doug 😂 and he's doing a great job switch characters.

Lovelace!

I love how he crosses over to whisper to Hera, I can just see Doug's character whispering into her intercom or in the general direction of the computer even though it doesn't make a difference to her.

I also like Hera's character position on stage away from the others, it's kind of symbolic.

"Team Eiffel's on the case" I have literally used the phrase "Detective Bods is on the case" multiple times on this blog, why do I relate so strongly to every ADHD character I come across sasjdkfjsl;kdfj;slk. Not the talking to himself too... NOT THEM LOOKING AT HIM IN THE BACKGROUND...oh no...

I love how Hera says "yeah we're all here" when she's always there.

17 months Doug? Oh dear...

"No one told me it was my job" Valid Doug, valid, what you're told when you're spaced out doesn't count. ADHD rule #1. Oh she told him multiple times? Well maybe they could have written it down for him. Would that have been too much trouble?

Hilbert shut up.

Poor Hera. The way she shuts them down 😂

SHUT UP HILBERT. THANK YOU.

Oh not the Pyrce and Carter thing again. Do we ever get to meet Pryce and Carter? Do they work for Goddard Futuristics? Is this a NASA textbook? At first I thought she said something about a price and then "Cutter", and I was like "PLOT TWIST" but never mind it's just the tips book.

Minkowski's Lovelace impression 😂 HIS HERA IMPRESSION IS JUST A HIGH PITCHED VOICE. Hahaha...his Hilbert is hilarious. Her Doug impression. 😂

"No no she's Eiffel, that's impossible" This is perfect, and then the switch back to Hilbert. Comedic perfection. I love it so so much.

"Hilbert you're fine try to be less fine" I love Hera.

"Can I ask you to act like an adult?" "That's not my thing" the comedic timing of this is excellent.

"What do you even do here?" Hold Hilbert's Decima virus of course.

Comms line? With who?

PLEASE 😂OH MY GOODNESS CUTTER. The way he stands up from the audience with his smug little smile...

You just know he's been waiting his entire life to play a role like that. Honestly me too, so good for him for getting to live the dream. DID HE JUST PAT THE HEAD OF A RANDOM PERSON IN THE AUDIENCE. HE DID. HE EVEN HAS A SUIT.

"We'll break bread, we'll dance, we'll kiss-" Cutter man, I'm pretty sure you can't say that. I know that you're an evil corporation that murders people on the regular and unethically experiments on people in space so the law can't get you, but you don't even have one HR rep?

Another call Cutter? What deployment?

"He remotely destroys station, then goes on lunch break" Yep sounds like Cutter.

The way Cutters reenters... it's so dramatic I love it.

They are really gonna have to make sure their stories match.

Huh. "Communication problem of our own." I wonder what that could be Cutter? A little issue at Command?

"Alone at last" That sounds creepy Cutter.

Oh so Cutter worships at the alter of the Pryce and Carter manual too. Maybe he forced them to write the book and killed them. Maybe he wrote it under two pen names to make it sound more legit. Either way I can't imagine him memorizing anyone's book but his own.

CUTTER'S ASKING ABOUT HER FAMILY? oh he's threatening her. IS HE THREATENING HER FAMILY?

They are very low on toothpaste.

"I want to help in every way I can, but I can only do that if I know what's going on" Cutter I hope you die. Painfully. Very slowly and very painfully, and if it doesn't happen in the show, I'll write it into a fic.

Oh he's speaking to Hera now because of what she said... that's interesting. Cutter didn't think of Hera as a person or member of the crew before he realized that Minkowski did.

Doug is me cramming for my exams. DOUG IF ITS NOT A VIDEO CALL YOU CAN WRITE STUFF DOWN.

Or fake an illness.

Oh dear poor Hera.

"Manufacturing errors." I hope that doesn't mean anything bad for those robots, otherwise that has to be sad for Hera to hear.

Okay...I love how Hera and some of the other actors look straight at the audience like they can't see Cutter, but Cutter looks directly at them as if he can see them. It adds so much to the creep factor.

Oh my gosh that manual again. Why is he obsessed with it?

"You'd be shocked at how much I know about the Hephaestus" Cutter knows everything.

AND DO NOT CALL HERA PATHETIC.

Oh my gosh Hera talked back to him for a second. I think she's the only one who ever does thus far, which is odd considering all her code that stops her from doing that.

"A real person" THAT CROSSES A LINE CUTTER.

"I don't know if someone like you can understand this. We're trying to change everyone's lives" CUTTER SHUT UP. YOU ARE THE ONE WITHOUT A SOUL YOU HAVE NO ROOM TO TALK.

YES HERA TALK BACK TO HIM.

Hera's memory files? Personality setting? oh never mind...this is awful that he can just go in like that. Maybe that's why he programmed her with the ability and personality that would talk back to him. So that he can get the truth from someone he can easily destroy.

"The people who made you decided you were a mistake, and you were so desperate to rise above who- what you are" Who made Hera? Are they important? Or did Cutter just scrape her up from a tech company that didn't want her? And Cutter "correcting" himself on that line I hope he's blown into space.

"Don't you dare" wow Hera's still talking back. "You have no idea." DID SHE JUST CONFESS THAT HILBERT IS STILL ALIVE. Oh Hera...

"To err is human" oh dear...

Doug looks terrified. Me too buddy.

It's okay Hera. You deserve better.

"I'm sick!" I love that.

Cutter's like wow, I should have started with him.

The way he puts his hand on Doug's shoulder as if they are in the room together, like he has a way to reach them even if they can't get back to earth, I love the choices the actor's are making.

He knows that Doug doesn't know Pryce and Carter. He's been listening in on him. For sure. Bro. Not everyone has read your manifesto that you by this point probably ghost wrote under two fake names and declared the best book of all time. It's like when a professor uses their own text book, I've heard this song and dance before.

Cutter. Doug should have memorized it but YOU HIRED HIM. He is CLEARLY in no way qualified for this line of work. YOU know that. YOU'RE using him as a science experiment. If I knew my professor was using me for lab science that could kill me at any second, do you think I'd waste time studying for their pop quiz on silly tips?

"How did Renee stop him?" Just say that it was all a blur Doug.

"Getting around security protocols, tricking a multiple PhD...stellar Doug" "Thank you?" Doug that's not a good thing. A target is on your back right now.

Not the arm on his shoulder again. Cutter for SURE killed their HR rep and their IRB rep, and ethics department.

"I would have had to skin you alive" There is no "had to" here Cutter.

3 seconds or incredibly painful things will start happening. WHAT THINGS?

DOUG HOW DID YOU FUMBLE THAT? YOU COULD HAVE JUST PRETENDED YOU WERE NERVOUS BECAUSE YOU FAILED. YOU HAD THE PERFECT OUT RIGHT THERE.

"I got the feeling that I would be the same convo you and I just had" I love the fourth wall break.

Oh dear. LOVELACE YOU BETTER BE QUIET. NO NOT ALL THE STUFF DOUG YOU AT LEAST KEPT LOVELACE QUIET. DON'T BLOW THAT TOO.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I want to help you?" Get. Them. Back. To. Earth.

Cutter's little schoolboy laugh. Oh yikes. He's mad now.

Good job Doug, take the fall. Good solider. No, what are you doing, just say you forgot, don't say you kept information from him intentionally. Faking incompetence is so much easier when you actually are incompetent.

The ultimate sacrifice. He will memorize Cutter's stupid textbook.

"If you keep anything from me again, holiday's over..." I don't like it.

"I want to know the second anything new happens with those transmissions".

Haha...well as a matter a fact, after that last episode...

Exactly. Shut up Hilbert.

Yeah the book is unusually dark. Pryce and Carter have clearly been through some stuff, or it's Cutter being ominous with his ghost written book. At this point, he either wrote it under fake names, or he's a Pryce and Carter fanboy. (Is it spelled Pryce or Price, I just realized I have no idea. I've heard of the last name Pryce, so I'd assume that's how it's spelled?).

"Did I mention that I'm sick"

Careful what you wish for.

Well that was amazing. I loved the way the cast used the space to make the characters come alive, the way they moved, the choices they made, it all fit really well. I really enjoyed watching this. It brought me back to when I used to do high school theater. I kinda of miss it. Hilbert, Cutter, and Doug are exactly the kind of overdramatic and unhinged roles I always loved playing (that is if I was lucky enough to have a director who went for gender bent casting, we as a society really need more comedic relief and unhinged women roles with crazy accents). Although I did once win a medal at state in middle school for a 10 minute monologue that was very much in the tone of Minkowski. I was playing a babysitter.

And ask the show said: back to work. Thanks everyone for listening, I hope you enjoyed my reaction. Only two more episodes left in season two so we should be done soon. Excited to see what comes next!

[ghooostbaby]

thinking about the idea of a comfort zone (in terms of exchange between rest and work) what strikes me is how it can fluctuate or invert feel like such a thing doesn't exist at all...

with adhd the concept of rest has always been a struggle for me. a lot of the ways it is articulated ... as slowing down or stopping of movement, stimulation, etc, just sounded terrible to me. as i learn more about adhd and how lack of stimulation can literally cause physical and mental discomfort or pain, i understand that that intuitive reaction was very real.

the way people talk about rest felt like something that had nothing do with me, so I didn't want to partake in it. (i'm writing this after seeing another video talking about an idea i see often of pushing yourself "outside of your comfort zone" as a capitalist imperative and the need to reclaim something nourishing for ourselves by "returning" to the gentle non-action of the comfort zone.). i've been discovering neurodivergent perspectives on rest that include those of us who have very negative neurological responses to understimulation, as sort of letting go of controlling/regulating yourself and just kind of freely pursuing stimulation on impulse for a bit, instead of rest looking like inaction. because my lack of rest WAS having a harmful effect on my health, and even though it felt uncomfortable to rest, it is still something i need.

so i feel like the "comfort zone" for me is stimulation and movement and action, and not pushing myself to pursue stimulation is stepping out of the comfort zone. having moments of emptiness is very uncomfortable. but necessary for my health, as i've discovered after years of pushing so hard and stress causing more and more physical symptoms before. the way some people talk about sinking back into this stillness in the comfort zone is pretty foreign to me... because to feel my mind in the comfort zone, 'at rest', is to feel stimulated, occupied, interested. but that also takes energy, and sometimes when i'm so exhausted from working and doing i have no energy to find something to stimulate my mind. but the understimulation is so agitating resting isn't restful.

the comfort zone is like this constantly moving target or something that is more of a fantasy than a reality. i've found that i need to have a period of inaction in order to have energy to stimulate myself so i can rest. haha, it's such a paradox. it's like forgetting to eat for so long you're so hungry that you can't eat... if that makes sense. it's far from comfortable for me to rest. but if i can weather out the emptiness that feels so awful, it will pass in not too long, and then i can feel honest desires and impulses clearly again.

i also think ... i had depression pretty much from my earliest memories to early 20s and in my estimation i got out of it by pushing myself, learning how to ignore my feelings and instincts that told me i didn't want to move or do anything and just pushing and pushing to just get up, do the things i need, do creative things i did not feel the energy to do, until the experience like i was looking at all reality around me through a dirty window lifted. i think that approach was useful to sort of fight my way out of a crisis, but not sustainable longterm, but i think i sort of never stopped pushing, and got used to need to live my life that way, and was honestly quite afraid to let myself stop moving, kind of assuming the depression would always be waiting for me if i stopped. last year i reached a point where i just couldn't push anymore, and i made a rule i couldn't do anything for the next while (other than basic needs like going to work, cooking, etc) unless I 100% felt motivated to do it. and i had to wait out some days feeling a lot like depression that were quite frightening and unpleasant, but miraculously they all always passed, and at the other end i felt actual, honest, unforced motivation.

[a-scaly-troublemaker]

Adventures in Bad Copium: An Outsider's Look on Starlo and Ceroba

The following post is a long opinion; you can take it or leave it. It also involves a lot of projection, because that is how I process my trauma. Disclaimer: I have not played UTY.

With that out of the way, let's begin.

Giant text walls under the cut. I apologize. It is also rambly and a bit disorganized, but I hope I get my points across.

Starlo and Ceroba's friendship is a mess, but with my headcanons, this is both of their faults. When I look at them, I see two different people going through turmoil and handling it in different ways, though I see one thing that they share...

They are both using masking techniques, trying to pretend everything is okay when it's not. Ceroba's emotional masking techniques are much less effective than Starlo's. For obvious reasons; she is feeling an overwhelming amount of pain, and Starlo is a good actor. His act as the North Star has changed his personality to an extent, for better and for worse. He grew into a person he wanted to be, a person he would love more than his younger self.

Starlo doesn't strike me as naive; he strikes me as an unshakeable optimist, to the point it can come off as naivete and have similar consequences. Starlo's optimism paints a rosy picture of the world around him, which can get him into danger and lead him to put too much faith in his abilities as an entertainer. Personal headcanon dictates that he did not ask Ceroba what she needed from him, what would make her feel better, partly because he didn't feel like he was allowed to. Ceroba wound up becoming distant, shell-shocked from her grief and how poorly she was processing it. She slipped into alcohol abuse while Starlo slipped deeper into escapism, leading them to isolate themselves from each other, though not so severely as to ruin their friendship. It created enough distance that they will need years to repair their bond.

The end of the Wild East episode feels to me like someone with ADHD/ADD who's just come crashing down from being fully emotionally spooled about something, from being too excited. But the way Starlo handles this isn't through shutting down and letting himself cry, no, because he knows that he will self-destruct if he allows himself to turn his anger inwards. He still has enough self-loathing buried deep to know that his feelings could put him in more danger if he doesn't turn them outwards, hence how he snaps at the Feisty Four and how he goes after Clover. He is desperate for someone to blame other than himself, and when Ceroba calms him down after his fight, he has cooled off just enough to avoid self-destructing and to confront his faults with the Feisty Four.

One of the hardest things to admit is when you're wrong, when you've fucked up.

Ceroba finds admitting her faults a little easier compared to Starlo, but accountability is another matter entirely, a place where both she and Starlo struggle in different flavors. Ceroba doesn't feel deserving of keeping her life, so wracked with grief and with guilt that she begs Clover to kill her in the pacifist route. She may also feel undeserving of Starlo's friendship, which may cause her to isolate herself from him more. She longs for her family, for a connection she treasured and feels like she took for granted. She is oblivious to Starlo's loyalty, but more tragically, the pain and self loathing he has been hiding from her. Starlo is Ceroba's one blind spot due to how he wears his heart on his sleeve. He masks his worries with a bright, cheerful front that is easy to maintain when he's eyeball deep in his poison of choice, unhealthy escapism via roleplaying, via acting, singing, performing.

Neither of them are coping well with their pain, and because neither of them are willing to be honest about it, it damages their bond, causing enough damage that it will easily take years for them to repair it. It is for all of this that I am iffy about Staroba. I see it best as a QPR or a ride-or-die, and a ship that can only healthily sail if it happens several years after UTY, better yet, after the barrier breaks, because both monsters need to be given room to grow and mature, as well as repair the bond they had. The emotional baggage between them, though, will absolutely make any romance between them a difficult, delicate thing that will demand more openness and honesty from them both.

But this is just my two cents.

Thanks to @profounddefendorcrusade-blog for encouraging me to write posts like this in our recent DM.

[tleeaves]

you mentioned you're exploring neurodivergence: characters you relate to in a way that migghhhht be related to neurodivergence and why you relate to them and i'll do my thing that i do with the characters

Thank you so much for this ask, lovely <3 so, yes, I am exploring neurodivergence, specifically along the lines of ADHD and CPTSD, but if I've learned anything while learning about neurodivergence, it's that certain aspects of disorders can overlap or even be mistaken for something else. Eventually, I intend to consult a professional. In the meantime, I make do. And I do have characters I relate to, in ways that might be related to neurodivergence.

We'll mostly deal with TSC characters. So, this is sort of combined, but James Herondale and Matthew Fairchild. I don't self-identify with them the way I do more with Cordelia, but I relate to things about them that just aren't quite present in her that are important to me. It's a bit difficult to talk about all the ways in which I relate to both James and Matthew without sharing some incredibly vulnerable stuff that I generally just don't like to talk about, but I'll try and pick out the things that might be related to neurodivergence.

This is... so so so tricky, actually. I mean, how do I even pin-point traits and things? How do I do this without sounding way too random and vague and end up just talking about things that might have nothing to do with the topic at hand? Matthew's mannerisms feel like mine, theatrical, flourishing hand gestures to accompany speech, being able to switch topics quickly, feeling like my creativity is stifled, way too focused on my physical appearance though I personally do my best to hide it, my reasoning for keeping fit is half about self-defense and protecting my siblings and friends and half about looking good which always makes me think of the way Matthew would treat training, I love finding and wearing unique clothing items that may or may not cost way too much and so it's lucky I just find these treasures in thrift stores, I also have a tendency to Smile my way through social circles (there's a running joke that I can approach absolutely anyone and strike up a conversation. Anyone), I flirt with everyone because I like the thrill of it and it allows a sort of distance from vulnerability in a way I can't exactly explain, this guy has depression and I have depression, I am often the comedian of the group or at least the entertainer (my failed dates and weird social encounters make for exciting conversations), and because of that... I don't know. Matthew feels like he's almost always acting. The world is his stage. And I feel like that all the time. I don't even know who I'm performing for half the time. It gets a bit exhausting in some ways. I struggle to always be an entertainer, to be social, to respond to conversations properly and not get way too hurt over little comments people make that they probably don't realise were taken the wrong way. I am a massive overthinker and the only times I can escape that are in entirely different environments where I basically have permission to have no outside obligations and relax or when I have the rare alcoholic drink that forces my body and mind to lose tension. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), my health doesn't allow me to drink often if at all these days.

So, I get broody, and that reminds me of both Matthew and James. I can be a very deep brooder. Silent, stone-faced, almost apathetic. That reminds me more of James. I'm a passionate person with a temper that I've spent years getting under control, but it means I need a lot of outlets for all that emotion. Getting too stuck in my own head makes me restless and I have to move and push myself physically to make myself too exhausted to be so deep in my thoughts. It's interesting, to me, that I workout for defense and aesthetics, but that it's also a crutch at this point for letting out pent up energies. If I don't, I go into weird, fairly brief episodes of extra excitable and sort of reckless behaviour (more like reduced inhibition), which can be worsened at night compared to if it happens during the day. If you hadn't clued in yet: it was after I analysed James in the post I have pinned on my blog that I realised how much his night on the town in TMH reminded me of myself, which is why I couldn't think of a reason for a while of it being a symptom of anything but him being himself just as I know that's how I can act. His cause for that episode may be different to mine, but I definitely felt some similarities there. Even James' performance-like behaviour called to me, his Chesire grin, the absolute mischief--as much as I am charmed (it's James Herondale after all), I also have this feeling of "that's me! I get that!" And yet I can't even name or explain it.

Which in turn makes me think of Will Herondale. I very rarely talk about this because a) one of my friends is in love with him and I don't need her associating me with him or vice versa, b) an ex of mine has expressed an affinity with Will which makes me feel like I can't have it either since we relate to him in fairly different ways, c) everyone would just roll their eyes at me. Oh, and, you know, it's weird because he's the father of my fictional crush 😭 Anyway. There's something about Will growing up in the countryside of Wales (I come from the countryside of Victoria where I spent just over half my life so far on a farm) and caring so deeply for his sisters, being connected to his culture and missing parts of it, being loyal to Jem and, eventually, Tessa to a point it's almost self-destructive and yet feeling like he's stumbling in the dark when it comes to getting people to like him and to being a good friend to people, being a little shit in general, spinning tales (I've done this since I could even talk, to the point where I used to fabricate so many lies as a kid, simply because I could, and because so many other kids had experiences and things that I never did and I tried to lie about it to make up for it), and I just... in the weirdest way, I relate deeply to Will. I'm not even as attached to him as I am many other characters, but he's who I think of first most of the time when it comes to his rather silly behaviour, his excitability (after finding out the curse was not real), his solitary walks, going to rare bookstores and knowing a bunch of classics, having a tendency toward poetry but only for certain people and rather privately, the messiness of his room even. My best friend jokes that my room (whenever she sees it) is actually Jace Herondale's room because it's "monk-like and bare", but she doesn't see it when I have a burn out period and I'm too exhausted to even put clothes away or cups of tea, or do anything about my piles of books or pens and papers everywhere. I leave jewellery out too. It feels like a dragon's den, which is what I think of Will's room. I rarely make my bed properly. There's nothing necessarily stopping me, and in fact I feel happier and better when everything is neat and clean and organised, but I just can't bring myself to do anything for certain periods of time.

There's also Jem, but he and I understand each other on a chronic illness level, which to me has always been a separate sort of mental framework. But while he makes music to sort through his feelings, I listen to music to help me focus (I space out and my thoughts derail and I'm rather time blind and hours will pass unproductively and music (or urgency/deadlines) so far is the only thing that gets me honed in on an activity/work). That's also a little in connection to other things though where music is my crutch. I tend to dissociate from reality and it's an alarming and distressing feeling. I've never seen it done in fiction quite like how I experience it, so I tend to just write it myself (you can see bits of it with Lila in WBITHOM, such as outside The Devil Tavern going after Matthew and in the dark ballroom scene the night of the Institute dinner with the Lightwoods). I've reached out to others who experience it and even did research, and I actually cried with relief because I thought I was going crazy and losing my grip on everything, but I'm not alone and there is every chance I can end these episodes. Music helps me focus and sort of tie me to reality/myself/the present moment, so that I don't "slip", because when I do I forget myself and my surroundings and started wondering where I am and how I got there and who I am and why I'm here--it's like an existential crisis except you've forgotten literally everything and you're stunned and everything looks weird and the people are familiar yet unfamiliar and all the sounds are kind of loud but also muffled. This is often a dissociation that can occur due to trauma, though also unknown reasons and triggers, and sleep deprivation is thought to either cause or worsen it in some instances (and I have not had enough sleep in some time, let me tell you).

Edit: also, for the derealisation/depersonalisation above, I do relate to Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games who uses this technique where she mentally goes through a checklist of things that identify herself and reality, i.e. My name is [full name], I am 19, I live in Australia, I am half-Greek, I have such and such sisters and so and so brothers, I am here right now with my family/friends, we are doing [activity], I was born [birth date] etc. Recalling these facts and things helps reel everything in, but I am still left rather fragile feeling afterward.

So, there's kind of a lot going on in this noggin of mine. I don't fully understand a lot of it. Life can be scary and frustrating and downright exhausting. But I'm determined one day to finally seek some help. As I mentioned earlier, I do what I can on my own and with friends. Anyway, that's me on the nature of, well, me. Feels weird to talk about myself this way, even if it was tied with characters. Sorry for the wait, by the way, this was really tricky to try and write (and then I kept forgetting, whoops).

[messybrained]

I very rarely make posts because 1) I'm terrified of people and 2) I'm just a wee bit private, I don't have too much to say. I think I just needed to speak this out into the void, be a bit vulnerable and imagine connecting with other weirdos like me.

I have undiagnosed, and unmedicated adult ADHD. Honestly, it's one of my favourite things about myself - I'm eager, I'm funny, I find everyday things really exciting. I'm quick to strike up a conversation with people, I love hearing about what they do because I can find interest in just about everything. I love the experience of living with such a messy brain (lol, there's a point to the username).

But somedays, like today, I'm experiencing the suckier side. The side that rears it's head when you've somehow wormed your way in to a very high-pressure, very repetitive and boring, very *neurotypical* job. I'm not sure how I got here, but man, a pay above minimum wage was mint enough for me to try. So by some stroke of fate and perhaps lapse of my employers judgement, I'm in a job that pays bloody well but my God it hurts my brain so badly. I could cope, I think, if it weren't for the social agony this has caused.

My boss is quick to criticise my work, and because I'm in such a high performing team, work that I am busting my ass to make adequate isn't good enough. She's told me "you're doing a good job, we just need to make you great!". I get the job done, but it might be a day later. There might be a small mistake every once in a while. I might have to ask questions about something you've told me before. It's led to me being put on an HR mandated performance improvement plan. I think I would be doing better if I wasn't under constant surveillance, as part of this means that my boss has asked to be bcc'd into all my emails to keep track of my work.

I did warn people about the issues I have when I was hired 10 months ago, so they were aware. I've tried to be as open in my communications as possible to everyone and say "hey, real sorry for this, here's what I'll do next time to make it better".

And yet, people have started ostracising me in those little ways they do when they're wanting to push you out. They've become really annoyed with me and started doing small things, like telling you last minute that the meeting has changed rooms. Speaking to me differently as if I wasn't able to comprehend basic instructions. But it's grown to leaving the office at the end of the day, turning the lights off, and not saying goodbye while I'm still there, now a little confused and a bit lonely sitting in a dark room. They make jokes out loud in an open plan office and subtly ignoring my contributions. It's not outright to anyone else looking in, but given that I don't do those things to people, even if I dislike them, I find it hard not to take offence.

It feels like primary school all over again. High school was a little different, I was able to be more me. But this is soul sucking. I woke up this morning about to cry because I didn't want to go in, and had a vivid memory of 7 year old messybrain breaking down in tears, screaming and kicking and refusing to go to school. The echoes of that so neatly fit into the wavelengths of what I was feeling this morning.

This is only my second fulltime job, I'm very new on the scene. But my first was not at all like this. I maybe would have stayed longer if the pay were as good as this one. I had a community and it made all the difference. Once a job was done, it was done until a year's time when it came around again.

I guess I'm just feeling sad and rejected. This is not the place for me and I need to find a kinder tide. There is hope. There really is, if I've found community once I can do it again. I refuse to let this dim my spark.

But for now, I'm a little melancholy, a little broke due to debt, and a little tired and in need of a soft place to curl into. And a few moments scrolling on this cursed website to remind me that there are other wonderful weirdos out there like me.

I hope everyone who reads this knows that you are already worthy of love and belonging just as you are. You don't have to hustle for it. And it's okay if we want to curl into a soft place for a bit and feel sad and down. I'm right there with you. There are other people like us out there. There's space for us in this beautiful world. You matter and I'm glad you're here.

[monriatitans]

MonriaTitans

Let's Play Some $#!7!: Cursebane – Part 2 | Let’s finish the demo!

Come join me for another installment of Let's Play Some $#!7 | LPS$, where I play games to provide commentary on the game's development! Provided I don't get too caught up in the game to comment, which, in a sense, is commentary in and of itself.

Today, we finished playing Cursebane's demo! It was, initially, played in Let's Play Some Demos! - Part 7, but I had to cut it short so the video didn't get to 4 hours long. That, and the last game played that day scared the $#!7 out of me...

Now, I didn't call this stream Let's Play Some Demos! | LPSD because I want this game. After I get it, it'll be a regular feature on the show.

If you came here from Twitch, thank you! I don't know why the stream suddenly cut, but I ALWAYS record my streams in case things like that happen!

With all that out of the way, here are my opinions: If competing with Hades is a goal, the developers are headed in the right direction. Provided enough people learn this game exists. With how heavily saturated Steam is, I'm amazed I found it. If they're not trying to compete, it's the inspiration for the game, but their version is excellent on its own. I mentioned, after I played the demo the first time, Cursebane is a 2D, pixelated Hades and, while true, it doesn't do the game justice. I also mentioned the story was forgettable, and it still is, but not in a bad way. ADHD moment(s). Though, after playing through it for another few hours I'm more invested in figuring it out. If I'm piecing things together correctly now, because of a curse, or a bunch of curses, rifts have split the world into pieces. These pieces are stuck in time loops until you break their curse. For this one area the demo provides, you have to save a village from its curse. Because of the time loop, you can choose how you want to save said village. And as you go around exploring/trying to find your way to the village, each death results in you taking a different path, however, if you die enough times, things will start to look familiar as you revisit areas. As you make decisions, you change what bosses you fight, which allows you to figure out how to make the game easier. I'm guessing it being the demo was why I was able to max out my upgrades, but each upgrade was great for balancing. I was eventually able to make it so I was able to die twice before I had to restart the area. And I maxed out my HP. The demo threw me for a loop when I restored the area and it wasn't "Demo Over"; I was able to try again. Was there something else I was supposed to do or were the developers simply letting me play around more with ability combos? Which I haven't mentioned yet; you can enhance your katana, dash-strike, charge attack (which I barely used), and knockback spell with either Ice, Fire, or Lightning, and BOY are they fun! Ice freezes and slows people down, Fire deals extra damage and/or burns, and lightning strikes repeatedly. My FAVORITE combination was the Lightning spell, so melee enemies were constantly being struck, Ice on my attacks and dash-strike so foes slow down and make them easier to hit, and, even though I barely used the charge attack, I preferred it to have Fire. I could have played around with them more, and I was tempted, but the video was getting close to 4 hours... And that's it for this mini-review! Thank you for reading! If this series of videos is something you're interested in, you can watch it on YouTube, Steam, Rumble, Odysee, and The Titans' Discord! Don’t forget to hit the Subscribe and/or Follow buttons to know when there’s more!

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The Sunday, November 17th, and 645th, Artist Shout-Out goes to 7NML! Check them out here!

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TIMESTAMPS 0:00 – Starting Soon 9:57 – Welcome Gamers! 12:05 – Artist Shout-Out 16:32 – OED Word of the Day 16:36 – Cursebane Steam Page 18:10 – Cursebane 1:56:43 – Break 2:12:08 – Cursebane 3:43:26 – Addressing the Stream Cut 3:43:51 – Artist Shout-Out 3:44:52 – Just Chatting/Thank You! 3:47:51 – Rendezvous Point Bookshop Plug 3:49:23 – Farewell

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MORE INFO & TO SUPPORT – MonriaTitans | WGS Summarized – Rendezvous Point Bookshop – Artist Shout-Out Criteria – Throne Wishlist – #SubOffTwitch – YouTube – Rumble– Odysee – Twitch – Steam

Originally published to https://opinionsandtruth.wordpress.com on November 17, 2024.

[supercool-here]

I'm on strike because I don't want staff to change this hell site, but I needed to post this because where else can I talk about unimportant events of my life that just felt meaningful to me????

So I went out with my sister because she needed to go to the bank, and on the way there we ran into our aunt so we stopped to say hi, and while we were talking some people came out of the building my aunt's office is at, and one of them was this guy I know from school, and because my brain has fun storing random useless information and I have fun regurgitating it; that guy's name is Leo, he is a year younger than me, and we went to the same schools for elementary school and middle school, he is cute and I know/remember his name because he was popular. Back to the story, I saw him and looked away but noticed that he has grown up quite handsomely. Not that he wasn't handsome before, but since he's always been a year younger, he always seemed just "cute" to me, but now he is grown up and I wouldn't be able to tell he is a year younger than me because he does look my age and I appreciate his handsome. He totally grew up to his potential, put in very vain terms, and I apologize. Anyway, we parted from our aunt and resumed our way to the bank. We got there. My sister and I were talking about her day. And she indicated me to click "yes it's me" on the ATM but I didn't hear the first, nor the second time, and this is something that happens quite a lot with me, I have a hearing deficiency that I don't know to which body part pin, is it my ears? Is it my brain? Is it ADHD? We don't know! So my sister (a doctor, btw, the medicine kind) said to me, half jokingly, half seriously; maybe you're depressed, a lack of concentration is one of the first symptoms. But, before she had said that, almost a few seconds after I realized she had given me an instruction and I did not understand it, the guy, Leo, had entered the bank. The bank was empty except for the three of us, Leo, my sister and I. He took to an ATM near the entrance. And my sister's comment took place just as we were walking by Leo, making our way out of the bank. So he probably heard that I might be depressed. It's not embarrassing, and I did not reply in such a way that would indicate I was embarrassed. Except, when I thought about it, it did seem funny. He probably doesn't know me, let alone remember me. But to me, almost everything that happens in my life has to be part of the narrative, because I grew up watching TV and movies and reading books and I have this belief, ingrained in my head, that my life is a story, leading to something exciting, and therefore everything must amount to something, and everything must be compelling, everything must have a meaning, and everything must have a reason to be. So, in those terms, what had just happened was that me, a lame girl, had been seen at her poor-looking state, by a handsome younger former classmate, who also learned that she might be depressed. If I take off my "my life must follow a storyline to make sense and I'm guessing the plot" and put on my "objective reality" glasses, I realize that's not what happened. Things just happened and that's that. And I might need to see a therapist.

[fbfh]

JJ maybank x reader soft fwb hcs

pairing: JJ x gn reader, aged up to 18+ for implied nsfw

Warnings: fwb, implied nsfw, making out, mentions of JJ going through it, you're the healthiest relationship he's ever had, JJ has some self loathing and also adhd

a/n: shorter post this week cause guess who's going through it???? me!!!! when aren't I lol

Since the first time you met JJ you’ve thought the same thing

He just needs a little love

You could tell from day one

He just needs a little unconditional love, someone to be gentle with him

So that first night when he appears at your window and climbs into your room, tears in his eyes

You pull him into a warm embrace

You must have held him for ten minutes straight

You don’t say anything, just sit on your bed with him wrapped in your arms

After a while when he finally pulls away, you look at him with the most tender sincere look ever

“You okay?” you ask gently, “Do you want to talk?”

Your hand brushes away the remaining tears left on his cheeks and he melts

No one has ever touched him like that, so soft and caring

His heart is beating loud and fast, and he can’t seem to focus enough to put together an answer

He wants you

He wants to be with you, wants you to want him

He wants you to touch him like that again

Before he can think, he’s going in for a kiss

He has to know what it would feel like

Right before his lips are on yours, your hand comes up to his cheek, soft and warm, stopping him dead in his tracks

And his heart drops

Oh god he fucked up again didn’t he?

That cold sick feeling of disgust spreads throughout his body in a moment

All his thoughts overlap in his mind and he once again wishes that just for once he could fucking think before he acts

Other people make it look so easy

And yet here he finds himself again

Your voice cuts through his internal dialogue

“Are you sure you’re okay? Cause we can wait until you feel better if you want…”

You once again have stopped him dead in his tracks

That split second of utter self loathing evaporates under your touch as your thumb brushes his cheek, and realization strikes

You didn’t stop him because you don’t want to kiss him

You stopped him to make sure he wasn’t going to do something he’d regret

And dear god, he’s more sure than ever of how bad he wants you

When you finally kiss him

Fuck it feels better than he could have possibly imagined

And he has quite the imagination

His hands are all over you, obsessed with how you feel

And yours are all over him

And they feel fucking fantastic

He can feel himself getting drunk off your touch already and he does not want to stop

You don’t either

So you keep going

This was the beginning of your friends with benefits relationship

And the first of many benefits

You’re always the first one to defend him when his friends are too harsh

Which is more often than you’d like to admit

You always take his side

You actually listen to his plans with an open mind and help make sure they’ll work well in practice

You support him yk

You’re there for him

And believe me

NONE of that goes unnoticed

Dear god he’s so down bad for you

He’ll always show off and pull stunts to get your attention

Will ALWAYS back you up

Will not let anyone talk shit about you

Like ever

When JJ’s into you like this

Oh boy

You are so fuckin lucky

tag list: @afidiofobia

[cyberdragoninfinity]

what are some of your headcanons (if you have any) for jaden and zane? they're my favorite gx characters (and imo the epitome of adhd/autism solidarity) and i like hearing people's takes on them. also .

OH BOY DO I!!! :D omg it's so funny you ask, I love Jaden and Zane too, and ive been especially having Zane Brainrot for like the last 72 hours so the headcanons have been COOKING big time..... in general i love coming up with yugioh guy headcanons, there's so much potential there eheheh.

here's a little platter for each of them, off the top of my head:

Jaden:

I think you're dead on the money with him having ADHD.... it fits him SO well. He especially strikes me as someone who doodles a Bunch in the notes of his classwork to help with focus issues (to varying levels of success.)

Impulsively throws up a peace sign 90% of the time someone takes a picture of him.

I know in my heart this kid can and will take any opportunity to shout "Parkour!!!" while jumping off of picnic tables and benches and shit. Just channeling all his energy into unabashed teenage boy jumping and bouncing around and goofing off. I think even before I watched GX I felt like he had the energy of this vine.

Loves video games!! Nothing beats dueling of course, but he'll have a grand old time with his beat up Gameboy Advance SP, playing Pokemon Firered for the 5732754 time. I think he'd really love games like Smash Bros. too, just has a great time with them. He'd also love Sonic the Hedgehog...definitely loves the Sonic Adventure 2 soundtrack. (Every SA2 song sounds like a gx dub background track. buy my silence!!!)

He's constantly leaving a trail of napkins and crumbs everywhere. Jaden feels very "shoved a snack in his pocket for later" energy. Popping out a pack of Oreos mid-duel to nibble on.

Would enjoy nearly all superhero movies regardless of quality. This specifically pisses Aster "perpetually writing a Batman video essay in his brain" Phoenix off to a tremendous degree <3

Definitely had a fursona when he was like 12 and it was absolutely like. A zany cyborg superhero sparkledog with space powers or something like that. Just total shameless self indulgence. The Neo Spacians are basically his OCs after all!! He's a creative kid. ;w;

Zane:

Likes heavy metal but also the crustiest early 2000's techno you can imagine. Unironically thinks the 7 minute long full version of Darude's Sandstorm kicks ass.

Lately I've been especially into the idea of Zane enjoying TTRPGs and particularly being a bit of a Perma-Dungeon Master (i, a perma DM, enjoy inflicting this upon characters lmao). I think he'd really into running these dense, edgy, rules-and-combat-heavy campaigns where there's like a solid 70% chance your character is gonna die. (Meanwhile Atticus does everything in his power to make the stupidest, goofiest character imaginable every time he plays in one of Zane's campaigns. unstoppable force meets immovable object etc etc)

I feel like bad eyesight runs in this family but Zane either never bothered to get glasses/contacts or willingly doesn't wear them. Is he glaring at you from across the room? Nope, he's just trying to make out a sign on the wall and he can't see shit. :/

Might throw "has a gluten intolerance" on top of all the other shit he's dealing with, as part of my ongoing agenda of making characters i like have gluten issues. Probably lactose intolerant too like Syrus. Guy looks like eating is probably one of his least favorite activities. Like. he'll do it. but hes not thrilled about the experience.

ok sorry i assign "Pokemon liker" to like every yugioh character but I'm really enamored with the idea of zane and syrus being "kids where one got pokemon red/gold/ruby and the other got blue/silver/sapphire" i think it's so sweet ;__; Zane has MASSIVE "gets really into competitive Pokemon and takes it dead seriously" energy. Stays up late playing ludicrously difficult ROM hacks and testing competitively viable teams. I think he would really like Dialga. <3

Definitely picked up some of Jaden's dorky ass slang whether he wanted to or not. He straight up says "throw down a facedown" in one episode and out loud i was like "oh he DEFINITELY got that from jaden." they are FRIENDS

Has a three-monitor desktop computer setup and all three monitors have a different cyber dragon painting for their wallpaper and it's not entirely clear if he commissioned them or ripped them off google images.

[3days-ofbread]

pspspspsps

Do you wanna do this Prompt again/more? (You don't Of course if you Don't want to)

👁

i'm looking

(i haven't written tf2 in a LONG ASS TIME so bear with me)

Medic/Engie ADHD diagnosis

-Medic has it BAD. Not like negative bad, but serious bad.

-It's a common occurrence for Medic to reach for an organ from the fridge and completely and unintentionally derail himself by striking up a conversation with the Spy head in there. The aforementioned head normally just ignores him but sometimes has to interrupt him and verbally tell him that he was in the middle of something. By then Medic will have completely forgotten what he was doing.

-Medic also has a habit of motioning with his hands while he talks, which gets worse depending on what he's holding. A bonesaw isn't safe. Soldier's internal organs is definitely not safe. (he drops the organs a lot. he brushes them off with a feather duster made of his doves' feathers. those who cared no longer give enough fucks to do so.)

-Now, Engie has a slightly lighter case. It doesn't tend to affect battle or general life much, but the second he gets into 'the zone', he is GONE. There is no getting him back. He very regularly forgets to eat or drink water. (I'm projecting. I am one of the most dehydrated mfs in my immediate area.)

...Ima b real wit u chief. I'm including Jojo content. (which isn't that uncommon irl...)

(For those who don't know, a certain himbo named Joseph Joestar also has a metal hand. And it twitches randomly when his emotions are intense. The concept is 👌, as is most of Jojo. So yes, my dears;)

-Engie idly stims by spinning his hand and flexing his fingers to hear the noise.

(Another thing for those who don't know, my Jojo hyperfixation has returned with a raging vengeance.)

(And, unfortunately, said Jojo hyperfixation is living in my head rent free 24/7 and I thus have little to no room for TF2 and my other hyperfixations.)

(Still taking requests, as always, but I can't guarentee that the content is of top quality =w=; so sorry about that!)

(If you want your brain to dissolve as well, go visit 😊. If you're fixated on something else rn tho, I don't recommend it. It can and will suck you in like some sort of demonic vacuum. I was getting a lil burnt out working on a fanfic so I started to work on another fanfic which was Jojo related and before I knew it it had sunk its menacing-kanji-shaped hooks into me. Fucking help me no thoughts only Prosciutto Jojo Part Five Golden Wind)

[scatterpatter]

"Where's the essay OP" Said no one, and yet here I am

Lampy isn't stupid, he's neruodivergent: a rushed-together masterpost

Disclaimer: I'm not a liscened medical professional but I'm neurodivergent who's close to many neurodivergent people so I know when certain traits strike me as very familiar... Also tblt is my comfort movie I've seen it probably over 100 times, not exaggerating, so if anyone here's an expert on it, it's me.

I'm only going by the first movie because while To The Rescue and Goes To Mars probably have evidence to back me up, I don't feel like sitting down to watch them as I don't have them as memorized as the original

Point #1: Lampy is arguably the most intelligent appliance in the movie

Honestly it apalls me that so many are convinced that Lampy is an idiot when he displays some of the most intelligent traits in the movie. I'll just list off some of the most important scenes that show this

1: When discussing a way to get to the city, Lampy comes up with plans that end up failing, true. But we should also consider that not only did Radio and Toaster come up with bad plans before deciding on the swivel chair, but 2/3 of Lampy's ideas involved the same mechanic: on something with wheels(yes the mattress had wheels for some reason) being powered by Kirby

2: "From here you can see the really big lamp!" This scene is simply due to the appliances being sheltered from the outside world. Lampy displays the same level of naive-ness as everyone else: Radio seems earnest in calling the sun a "really big lamp", and Kirby calls the grass "shag carpet". Lampy is not at a lower intelligence in this scene, he's exactly at the same level as everyone else

3: The scene with the storm really sells his intelligence. The appliances have a rudimentary understanding of electricity, most likely from being appliances, but Lampy displays an excelled level of understanding by sacrificing himself for the battery. He understands that batteries are powered by electricity, lightning is electricity, and by using himself as a lightning rod, he acts as the conductive metal to easily transfer this energy from the bolt to the battery. Technically this should have overcharged and fried the battery but we'll suspend disbelief for the sake of this movie.

4: He knew that stacking the appliances to roughly human height, creating a dark environment with ominous sounds, and putting Toaster at eye-level to scare the human with his own reflection... Again, this is an intelligent understanding of how to scare a human

5: It's unclear on whose idea it was to look up Rob in a phone book, however this shows that not only can Lampy read(most likely picked up from being Rob's reading light), ESPECIALLY when Toaster struggles to read, but also has an understanding of phone books, addresses, and finding humans based on family names. I cannot stress how intelligent this is for a sentient desk lamp

There's a few more minor examples, but these are the biggest cases. Lampy is intelligent.

Point #2: Lampy struggles with social cues and doesn't empathize as easily as others

My biggest point here is when people think neruodivergents are "dumb" for having trouble picking up on things like sarcasm when that just... isn't the case. A few notable examples include:

1: When Air Conditioner says "You're a real bright little lamp", Lampy doesn't pick up the sarcasm and thinks he's being complimented. Though he definitely shows a level of emotional intelligence because he looks to Toaster to confirm "hey I was complimented", sees they're still looking angry, and gets the hint that he was insulted without someone needing to explicitly tell him that, to which he then responds with "Heyyy >:("

2: Sometimes he's able to read the room and pick up on tones, but other times he shows a level of emotional density. Legitimately not knowing if Rob had returned even when seeing Blanky disappointed to the point of near tears... But then knowing "brains wouldnt hurt either" was a jab at their intelligence and reacting with appropriate annoyance... But also when Radio says "Things could be worse!", doesn't realize he's just saying that to make Toaster feel better and asks "How could they be worse?"

3: He bullies Blanky alongside Radio and the others, unclear if he's actually being a jerk or just "oh this is what everyone else is doing so this is the normal way to act", but he's legitimately confused when Toaster tries to explain why they're suddenly being nice to him. He doesn't get the "now I feel better" argument because his argument was "Well you were never this nice to him before". Even when Toaster tries to explain why it feels nice, it just doesn't click... until Toaster finds a way to explain that connects personally to Lampy's own emotional state. He has trouble empathizing until realizing "oh this is like this thing that I feel sometimes"

4: Something I've noticed when gathering evidence is that more than once, Lampy goes "Wow..." After someone gloats about themself(Twice with Radio, once with the Computer). It's clear by the third time, when Radio goes "What does that mean?" And Lampy responds "I don't know. [To Computer] What does that mean?" That he doesn't even know what's being gloated about, let alone why he should be impressed. He has the emotional intelligence to recognize when someone's gloating and the "appropriate" response of amazement, but it seems like it never comes from a place of earnest. (While Neurotypicals can and do engage in "performative" behavior, I tend to notice this way more commonly with neurodivergents)

Also the "wow..." Performative thing is VERY reminiscent of Peridot from Steven Universe(a characters who many autistic fans see themselves in and the creator herself saying she doesn't consider Peridot or any of the gems to be neurotypical) going "wow thanks" as her default "this is how I've been taught to show gratitude" response

Point #3: Miscellaneous traits that could be neurodivergent

These traits COULD be interpreted as neurodivergent, but I will admit they could also be interpreted as something else so like take these with a grain of salt

1: Lampy appears to have sensory needs. When sleeping, he needs to tap a rock a few times(presumably to make sure it's "right") before clonking his head on it. It's interesting because rocks aren't a very "lamp" thing whatsoever, and none of the other appliances look for pillow-ish objects to rest on, so this could be a sensory thing.

2: Lampy has an interesting vocal quirk: repetition of phrases at the beginning and end of a sentence. Instances include "How exactly do you propose we do that, exactly?" "All of a sudden you're being so darn nice to him all of a sudden" "The fact is there's just not enough facts" The third one is a bit of a stretch but the first two seem to indicate a possible pattern of speech. Part of me wants to say this could be a verbal tic or some type of verbal stimming, but I've never met anyone who has a tic or stim like this so I can't say it's a neurodivergent thing with confidence, but I wanted to mention this quirk regardless.

3: Physically saying how he feels. Two instances where multiple characters are laughing, Lampy speaks while laughing "That's funny - I'm dying!" "I'm aching with joy!". It's just interesting that no one else speaks while laughing and for whatever reason, Lampy needs to verbalize "Yes I find this very funny" as if simply laughing along isn't enough. I've seen somewhat similar stuff in neurodivergents who have issues expressing emotions implicitly so they state them explicitly instead.

4: I've noticed Lampy isn't touchy... except with Radio. Some neurodivergent people can have issues with physical contact, which could explain that. But I've also noticed that Radio also gives me huge neurodivergent vibes... But more importantly Radio is extremely touchy with everyone, Lampy included, hence them often getting into physical fights but also just- tapping them or wrapping a cord around the other and pulling him close(they're so in love but that's a post on its own). A possible explanation is Lampy having issues with touching others, but either feels comfortable being touchy with Radio(due to emotional bonds and trust) or simply recognizes "Radio likes being touchy so I should be touchy back". A stretch of an argument, I'll admit, but I think the interpretation is there and valid.

In conclusion

I mean idk if Lampy was written to be neurodivergent or if the writers just wanted him to be "quirky" and accidentally gave him a lot of neurodivergent traits, but he reads as very neurodivergent to me(probably autistic or adhd but I'm not a professional and can't diagnose him). But while I can chalk up neruodivergency being one of many possible interpretations of his character, I WILL argue that he's not "stupid" given the evidence we see throughout the movie

Tl;Dr: Lampy is evidently intelligent, but sometimes struggles with social cues, empathy, and overall shows numerous traits of neurodivergency