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cinnamonest · 3 years ago

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Rewriting my Diluc housewife thoughts but I saved it in my notes this time, but I made it infinitely more sexist than it already was before bc 1) I was in the kink mood and 2) the spirits of writing gods possessed my body and told me that is the way all Diluc content should be, so, this is major 1950s-ish housewifey horrendously misogynistic shit, you've been warned. Like, even *I* looked back over this and was like "wow this is vile" which is kinda saying something for me so, putting the nastier parts under cut for the sake of my followers' eyes ----------- I was thinking about the post a while back about Diluc reforming a criminal darling - a thief around Mondstadt that's been on a crime spree and of course he catches wind of that and goes to defeat the perpetrator (surprisingly very easy? How is a thief this weak?) and haul the bastard off to jail except... What's this? Said criminal is actually just some girl and not a gross ugly bastard?? This changes things. Clearly, this was not an intentional act of malice or greed, but rather, he, master of criminal psychology™, rationalizes that the world is far too cruel for unwifed girls that have no one to depend on, a cold terrible place, so you must have been driven to these actions out of desperation. You had no provider, no caretaker, which are needs. How could you possibly be expected to provide a means of living for yourself?? This is just the consequences of the unfairness of the world. However, things all work out in the end. You need to be taken care of and restrained from these self-destructive choices by force (since you cannot recognize how bad it is, not that you're expected to, it's natural that you have poor perception, that's why you need a man to make choices for you), and he needs a wife. This solution benefits all parties.

He is, however, a rather dense man, and doesn't really think to like, tell you that. Or tell you anything. He's too lost in thought in his planning -- gonna get you new clothes to replace your ragged ones, gonna have to rearrange the guard schedule so they can watch the house better, all that -- and just kinda slings you up and over his shoulder without a word. Ignores you kicking and hitting because it doesn't really hurt or anything, you're too weak for that. Just says he’ll explain in detail later, but don’t worry, you’re not going to jail. He’s just taking you home. This is better, he says. Stop struggling so much, what, you want to go to jail? No? Then be still. And you don't recognize that it's good for you yet, but again, that's expected. In a better time or society, you would have been married off sooner, and prevented from ever falling victim to your own decision making to begin with, but the world isn't perfect and you can be forgiven for it. You're not responsible for your own actions since you can't comprehend them. It's frustrating and he sighs a bit over it, but that's just the way things are. You'll be happy in the long run, even if it takes a while, you're naturally programmed for a better lifestyle he has in mind. And, really, he's glad you weren't married off, because if you were then he never would have had you, so even though it was technically unideal, the stars align and the universe works out things perfectly. It's all the more of a sign that this was fate and you were made for him. The issue is that a hardened criminal darling is... Not the ideal candidate for a housewife. To some extent, he's right that the criminal underworld hardens a person, you can't survive in that realm if you're submissive or weak willed. And criminal darling certainly is not. Loud mouthed, opinionated, argumentative, bad attitude, defiant and aggressive and very much unafraid. A complete loose cannon. All very unfavorable traits. Worst of all, very much unaccepting of and ungrateful for the privilege of a second chance and being graciously granted the opportunity for a better life. Lots of bad behaviors.

The cursing is a problem. It's not very... Wife-like. Gives off a bad image, you know. Especially since said cursing is usually directed at him at a very loud volume with a snarl and getting all up in his face to tell him he's fucking insane and a bastard. To be honest, the worst part isn't the words themselves, it's the fact that you are so unafraid to be defiant and so fiery that is the primary issue. You disobey very deliberately. Little acts of pettiness. Being mean to the maids who are so graciously trying to teach you how to cook (at his direction), since you had no idea how to (and nearly burned his house down as a result). The first time you were mean and bitter and that's how you learned they report back to him about how you behaved. It did not go over well.

Intentionally burning food. Once you somehow found a bottle in a cabinet somewhere in the mansion and put rat poison in his food, made him sick. Muttering a sarcastic whoops and shoving a vase off to crash and shatter on the floor. Early on you refused to wear all the nice dresses you were generously given and even tried to go through his clothes to find something to wear, which was kinda cute since it was way too big, but still. You mutter and grumble under your breath every time you're given a command. The most important thing is sex, though. You know, your job. One of your only real responsibilities. He has a very stressful job. It's only reasonable that he can expect to come home to his sweet, loving little wife with open arms and equally open legs. You've probably fucked around a bit right? For money, for favors, for intel, you get the idea, lots of ties to criminal gangs to earn their trust. So, if you do it for something so insignificant, how much more does he deserve it for taking care of you fully? You should -- and you will, with time -- drop to your knees the second he walks through the door. But instead, sigh, you fight and whimper and cover your face in shame after you spasm and cum, and worst of all, you actively try not to cum. You shouldn't feel ashamed of that, it's good, he says. Sure, you may not be officially married (since the laws of Mondstadt unfortunately require that whole "consent" thing for both parties, ugh), but, he's basically your husband right? So, it's perfectly normal, you're supposed to cum for him. Maybe once you're all knocked up you'll be even hornier, and less shameful. He actually wasn't expecting you to be this bad. Incredibly stubborn and prideful. Literally the exact opposite traits of a good wife, you know, submissive and humble and obedient. He kinda thought that it was like... automatic. That once he just kinda shoved you in the right environment, it would be like flipping a switch right? Apparently not. But no matter. It can be changed, with effort and time. You're worth it. See, you're not supposed to backtalk him, you're supposed to smile and do what you're told without question. You're supposed to submit and obey, and instead you seem hellbent on pissing him off out of spite - and frankly, you're doing a good job of achieving that. Every time you defy him it sparks an irritation he can't describe, worse than he'd normally get from just being snarled at by anyone - no, something about being disrespected by someone he feels is beneath him makes him much, much angrier than it would be if it were, say, one of the business partners who get snappy and argumentative very frequently. He could break you and it would be easy, don't you know that? You stomp and you hit him and you yell, but clearly you process that you have to look up to look him in the eye, you have to realize how much smaller you are. You hit him even though you have to know by now he'll just grab your wrists, and like always you'll be unable to even hope of pulling out of his grip, the strength difference between you two is so great. There's no way you don't realize all that, yet you continue to behave the way you do. The inferiority is so blatantly obvious, but you act as if it's not. He spends a lot of time contemplating the source of this, the cause of your behavior, it occupies his thoughts. It's like... You resent him for something. Could it possibly be kidnapping you and keeping you as a glorified sex slave? No, no, that's not it. It's something else, yes. Are you just bitter about being inferior in, you know, every conceivable way? Is that it? The criminality for you was compensation to make you feel powerful, perhaps. You have a complex. You resent him not for anything he's done, but because you know he's stronger and smarter and generally superior to you. You don't want to accept it. You're prideful when you shouldn't be. You're supposed to be humble and content with your inferiority. Yeah, that's it. You just have a negative perception of the lifestyle you're supposed to have. Maybe some event in your life or someone else warped your view of things. You don't realize how happy you'd be if you just accepted it. Yes, if you submitted to it, if you swallowed your pride and actually accepted your place, you'd find you would be very happy, you just don't know that. Or maybe, your brain can't grasp something like that. After all, that's the reason you're supposed to be the submissive party of the two of you, you're not as bright or perceptive (says the densest man alive). You have to be... Led. Guided. So he says it. He is, again, a dense man. He does not really think about the fact that perhaps blatantly confronting you with the epiphany he thinks he's had and specifically using the words inferior and weak and small is probably not going to make you very happy. You get bitchy and bratty and try to hit him and he sighs because, see, this is exactly what he's talking about. You reacting the way you did only confirms you do have a complex, he says. So, how could he go about... reconditioning? He is not the most creative man, but thankfully it's a rather easy problem to solve. If you're reminded of a reality often enough, you have to accept it. For starters, using physical strength against you. Maybe that will metaphorically open your eyes. Holds you down in place when you're hitting him like you do, firmly bending you over a counter or whatever and just holding you in place. Come on, try to get up, try to push him off. You snarl and claw at the marble and push will all your strength, but he doesn't budge, not until you politely apologize and ask him to let you up. If you're being difficult and not going where he tells you to, well, he can just sling you up over his shoulder and carry you. If you're fighting being fucked he can just flip you over and press your face into the mattress and hold you still, and you can't help but take the brutal reality that you're basically a ragdoll to him, that is, physically overpowering you doesn't even require trying. It helps to knock you down a peg, remind you of your place and maybe get you to swallow that pride a bit. The orgasms and fucking have a similar effect -- every time you can't help but feel like he has a power over you. And really, he kinda does. Every time you lay there still panting and shivering in aftershock, the shame comes swarming in, all the obscene noises you made and the way you came undone under the person that treats you like property. Even if the rational part of you knows better, you can't help but feel like in a way it's like you let him win, allowed yourself to more or less prove him right. Maybe you'll learn better if you're in more humiliating positions. Stuck getting rammed from behind, hand forcing your face down and ass up. Actually correcting bad behaviors requires more direct approaches, so he takes the... Old fashioned route. After all, it's pretty much guaranteed to work. You don't listen to words, you don't listen to reason, but you'll certainly listen to handprints and belt welts on your ass. It's the first time you really, truly break, and that brings him a lot of satisfaction. The first time you really cry and whimper and beg and apologize so profusely it feels like you mean it for once. Granted, for a while you just persist in your bad behaviors and even try to run when you see him sigh and take the belt off, but you never get far. And, most notably, you actually fix your behaviors, with enough reminders. At one point, the next time you start being bad and get to bitching and snarling and putting up a fight, you catch the look on his face and, for once, you shut your mouth and look down and mumble an apology by default. See, you're learning. Speaking of, you still have that major issue with backtalking him. You're supposed to submit to him and acknowledge his authority over you. So he gets firm. Grabs you by the jaw and forces you to look him in the eye and reminds you that you will *not* get an attitude with him. You *will* show some respect. You say yes sir and no sir and do what you're told. And if you forget, he can give you a reminder, if you want that. But you shake your head with fear in your eyes, say you don't want that. It makes you mad. You want to lash back, but you swallow your pride and mutter a fine - before realizing the mistake, violating the rule you were just reminded of. You stammer out a yes sir but it's already too late. He has to control himself too, not let his anger get the better of him. He speaks in a way that isn't snarling and mean, but rather firm, cold, a flat tone that asserts dominance and demands respect. But... still wants you to like him. So he has to be nice, too. After all, you'll learn better if you're rewarded for being good, right? So you can get little rewards. Words of affirmation. A pat to the head. He'll buy you something you want, let you drink a bit (since, as a thief, of course, you had a problem with that before you came home, but that had to be corrected too, since drunkenness isn't very befitting). And sooner or later he does have a really good little wife. He's proud of you. You smile and obey commands without complaining. He can come home every day, and rather than hearing a long report from the staff about how much trouble you caused that day, instead you have food and smiles and sweet affection waiting on him, you hug him when he walks through the door. You're polite and sweet to the various business partners and guests that come through -- you don't speak to them without permission though, of course, and you look down at the ground so you don't make eye contact with another man. People say he's lucky and how they wish they had a wife that was so outwardly affectionate to them as you are to him, always clinging to him physically. And you don't complain or every object to anything, you just smile and say yes and do it. It makes him happy in a weird way he can't quite articulate. A warm swell of pride, a feeling of success. You have vague memories of a time when you were breaking into houses just to scrape by, not knowing when you'd eat next, not knowing where you'd sleep. It's kind of a fuzzy memory now. You don't have to worry about those things anymore, and you're a lot happier this way.

#this is vile im sorry #tw: ff #tw: misogyny #.dl #yan.txt #q

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life-rewritten · 4 years ago

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The doomed futility of Sisyphus; Sisyphus The Myth Kdrama Analysis

Before we start this analysis, I did have a lot of help getting to understand what's happening in this show especially the logical rules of time travelling, due to this website bitchesoverdrama, we have a great community over there we talk about shows and comment our thoughts and the way packmule sees things in shows is so inspiring. So even though this is my theory it is based of her own theories and opinions on what's going on in the show.

Sisyphus The Myth Ep 1-4

Let's talk about Sisyphus. The Korean drama that everyone seems to have something to say, mostly negative because they don't understand where the storyline is going, and because of that frustration of lack of understanding, they go to insults, and annoyance, and lack of patience to wait it out, they call the show ridiculous with it's terrible directing and also outlandish action scenes and unreasonable logic. The first mistake these people made is going into this show, thinking it was a logical sci-fi. There is another show where people have mistaken a mystery fantasy plot (as the writers announced it was, in an interview) for sci-fi because it includes scientific rules sometimes and discusses time travel. Do you the know the show? It's The king's Eternal Monarch. So because logical people have it out for writers using specific sci-fi plotlines to write a romantic mystery show; that doesn't actually base its self on the realism or logic of the science they expected, people call these stories dumb; they say it's ridiculous and should not have been done. And it's hard for people like me who completely gets bored at the idea of a sci-fi show, I'm not logical. Let's first get that out of the way; I won't be calculating mass, and time, and velocity and use maths and science as a base for my analysis. In fact, I usually run away from anything to do with sci-fi. But there's something funny about this, that with TKEM and now Sisyphus, mystery fantasies that do incorporate a piece of the sci-fi genre, actually make me enjoy them.

Perhaps it could be argued that it's because I'm not smart and I like ridiculous things, I only want romance with shitty writing, and maybe that's it. However, I disagree, what I see in these stories are a different sort of basis; instead of relying on scientific logic rules, or whatever is seen as appropriate in a sci-fi plotline, they use meta; they use other things to make their world mean something. For TKEM, it was literature and fairytales, and stories, and for Sisyphus actually named after the Greek myth, it's the same. In order to understand where a show is going when it uses a literature base, you have to first understand the source. What is the source saying? Why have they chosen this source to tell this story? But people clock out and don't want to wait, aren't connected to the characters enough to care, or just plain detest anything that doesn't follow a specific set of logical rules, and that's fine; you're allowed to like or want whatever you want to see on TV, it's your experience, but for the others who do want a show that is maybe deeper, interesting, laced with a good plot and love story that is sad, futile and also romantic, then I would suggest Sisyphus being for you. This isn't going to have a lot of support, and I already know this. Still, I do want to write about this show and explain why I'm into it because it has everything I like, a mysterious plot, fantasy/sci-fi elements, and a romance that is very angsty but also very deep. The show's director maybe not be as great as the others before him, but I think he's doing an okay job showcasing what he wants from the story. So yes, Sisyphus has so many scientific questions to ponder about, but I want to get rid of all that and focus on the bare bones of the story. How does this myth connect to this story, and why does it foreshadow how good this plot could be? This doesn't mean, this plot will be great because it all depends on the directing and writing skills, I'm not familiar with their work and with the director. I don't particularly care a lot about what he offers. But I know how he makes shows, I know the themes he's into and from this myth analysis, this show is definitely up his alley. So for now, I'll keep enjoying it and analysing, but it doesn't mean I think it's the best thing ever to exist in this genre. Okay, now we have that out of the way; let's learn about Greek Mythology, shall we?

An Introduction to a Genius

So who or what is Sisyphus? When I hear about Sisyphus, I think about the guy who tried to run away from d*ath but ended up being captured by Zeus for even trying to think he could do that. He ends up basically with this painful task of constantly rolling a boulder uphill. In a way, it's depressing AF, and it really holds this theme of futility and punishment. So it's interesting to see we have a character who is being punished for his brains and his cunningness to evade situations and save people, and it seems unfair that he gets this ending. It also makes me worry about Tae Sul, our main character in Sisyphus the myth, who begins the first episode evading d*ath by saving tons of people on a plane and then also wanting to revert a specific family member's demise that he feels guilty about. Taesul is just as smart and cunning as Sisyphus; he uses his skills, his brain and his talent to help people. So it's a bit disturbing because already from looking at him, it's unfortunate he's destined for a futile, sad ending; he's destined to be punished by powers be, for being an obstacle. And will you have it, the whole plot revolves around him being chased by people who want to get rid of him because it seems he's found a way to prevent d*ath and prolong the lifespan of the people he loves. What a surprise. Honestly, it's that simple; the boulder represents him having to take on weight constantly because of his actions and live with that repeatedly being chased by the thing he tried to avoid. The episodes scream that it's because he tried to bring back his brother from the past, but the thing is, there's more to the myth of Sisyphus than just this outline. So before we can truly understand the big picture and where this plot is, we need to truly go back and understand the real story of Sisyphus, the myth.

Let's go back. So yes, Sisyphus is cunning, smart, witty, he has many moments since he's apparently a king, royal full of influence and power. He really cares about protecting people, including himself, yet the way people see him is actually harmful. They see him as childish, sneaky, heartless and a player. Surprise. The thing is, this is precisely how we are introduced to Taesul. He's a big flirt, a big child who complains and acts immaturely with his company. He's someone of influence, in fact, significant impact; so much money and prominence, and yet he doesn't seem like he cares about anything. So yes, you can understand why people have a wrong perspective of our Sisyphus. However, he doesn't want to care about anything because he's self-destructive, broken by the guilt of letting pride, money and greed stop him from preventing his brother from being eliminated.

And it's something that lives with him every day; in fact, he's dependent on self-medication to get rid of the haunting figment of his brother. Now he says he doesn't care about people and others, but we know he's lying; he's clearly someone who's destined to protect, he does care even when he acts nonchalant, for example, saving a whole plane from crashing and hurting people, especially when he has said he is waiting and has been excited to leave the world, if he were selfish he would have let the plane crash, he didn't care as he said, but something in him still went back and provided the solution to help.

So this is really vital, this idea of Sisyphus being misunderstood by people in a way he's actually with a saviour complex, he protects, and he saves people with what he has yet even his actions are deemed evil or selfish or a natural disaster for them. So again, it's obvious the plot is based on whatever he has done to create this apocalyptic future we see in the show that is being misunderstood. The people who are out to get him are seeing him and hating him when in reality, it's obvious this was meant to better the world/ also himself because as much as Sisyphus has a saviour complex, it doesn't mean he's selfless; in fact, he's a very selfish character, he'll put his own needs above the world at times. This is where Taesul will make a mistake. Because for him, his only goal is to bring back his brother, even when warned he shouldn't, even when there are hints that him unveiling the truth will lead to suffering and the end of the world as we know it, it's still all he wants to do. Is it just that though? I'm getting ahead of my self I still need to break down this myth.

The Problem with Cunningness

So Sisyphus is someone with cunningness, knowledgeable and powerful, so when the first time he sees an opportunity to get rid of this thing we call mortality for people (not just him), he's punished when the gods aren't happy. Especially the god of war himself, Ares, who is frustrated at Sisyphus for chaining de*ath, Ares is upset; he is annoyed that Sisyphus is getting in his way, making people lose the meaning of war, what's the fun of war if no one is being removed? Which is interesting because we also find out in Sisyphus that Taesul's actions and mistakes and his own demise will lead to a war that will end everything and some organisation isn't happy they were at the losing end of that war. They hated the result of Taesul being alive to either cause or prevent that war. So they're sending people from the future who look creepy as hell and also like don't have limbs because they're rushing the process of uploading or just using a fake uploader with more errors (not yet sure which), but they are here with one goal; to get rid of Taesul, like Ares. Wow.

So Sisyphus punishment is actually that he is eliminated and sent to the underworld. Wait, so it wasn't the boulder that was his first punishment; his first punishment was to be chased by De*ath (I'm going to find another name for this we're gonna say D because of this stupid flagging system in Tumblr) just like Taesul is suffering in the present time in our show. Oh, okay, so where do we get the other punishment, the one Sisyphus is really known for. This is where the plot of this show unfolds, surprisingly. Because there's another character connected in this Sisyphean myth, Seohae, meaning Sisyphus had a wife. So when Sisyphus ends up, you know, getting axed, he still has a few tricks up his sleeves; he asks his wife to do something for him, not to bury him or respect his body wishes appropriately, in fact, to drop him naked in the middle of the city (that's obviously a parallel to how people are being downloaded into the past in the show visually). So because he did this, he's able to trick Hades and Persephone into letting them allow him to run back to the past to his wife to have a go at her, to tell her she didn't respect his wishes. And oh boy, oh boy, does he end up again evading D. Genius, in fact, he ends up going back to his wife and staying a very long time because it was his plan all along; he wasn't back to the underworld; they were all chumps who allowed his escape. So Sisyphus is a funny character, he chooses to go back, and he again avoids D; however, when he finally reaches his old age, he has to face everyone, including the gods; Zeus isn't happy with Sis; he says it's a bit of an insult really for what he has done, so Zeus basically punishes him with that godforsaken boulder.

Okay, hold, that's a lot to unpack. So what happened here is we're still seeing Taesul as Sisyphus in this second part of the myth, right? So he's going to find a way to avoid Sigma always and survive, but we know he doesn't. His story ends truly when his demise leads to the war if we're following a timeline mentioned by Seohae. So what is this second punishment about a boulder? Because this is the most crucial plot for every Sisyphus myth.

Our Surprise Sisyphus

Well, look at it carefully;

it has themes of running back to the past to criticise a lover,

it has themes of trying to prevent a lovers demise,

it has themes of futility and repetitive actions, it has themes of being punished by a powerful source,

it also has themes of someone who is rebellious and doesn't want to let D win.

It's Seohae. And that blew my mind. We don't have one Sisyphus in the storyline; we have two. The show's title is Sisyphus the myth because the love of these two is actually the role of Sisyphus; let me explain.

The first acquaintance with D is Taesul's story he's the one who invents a way to chain D and then is punished by being taken by D. The person who ends up wanting him to save himself is not himself in this show; it's Seohae her whole goal, her whole reason to want to go back is also to evade D for her mother (she mentions this in episode 1 to her father) but also to stop Taesul from being eliminated, to stop the war but more of all because she loves him, she's married to him, they're meant to be lovers. However, she doesn't have all her memories of everything. All she knows is that another version of her self has told her she needs to go back in time to warn Taesul, so he doesn't make this mistake, so they live happily together after marriage, and the war doesn't happen.

Ohhh, that's what's happening. So who's Zeus, you ask? It's the ICB, the Control Borough, that has to find balance and makes things right with all of the time travellers; they're looking for Seohae because she's illegal; she's not meant to be doing what she is doing. Just like Zeus has to intervene to punish Sis. So alright, we're getting there, we have Taesul, he's going to do something to avoid D, but unfortunately, he is going to be found by D because someone does not want him to succeed. Okay, however, we have Seohae; she is in love with Taesul and is determined to keep him safe. Hence, she finds a way to go back and warn him to prevent D from finding him; she essentially tricks the system to find and save the world, but also selfishly to go live a happy life with the guy she loves. So what's this about this boulder then?

The boulder; A heavy frustrating punishment

Well, unfortunately for our two characters, it's pretty apparent Taesul always ends up being eliminated #, and it always leads to the war that destroyed earth. But also we know Seohae gets shot; during her wedding, she also is fated to suffer and be eliminated if she goes back to save Taesul. Her father warns her repeatedly about this. She doesn't listen. The clue here is the boulder keeps on being pushed; Sisyphus is in a constant struggle of the futility of his punishment; he can't escape; he is tied to this boulder to keep trying to push it to a destination, but all he does is repeatedly keep pushing the boulder infinitely.

Oh, wait, a show about time travel, a show about the futility of trying to change the past, a show where the future versions can go back with regret and meet their past versions which make the same mistakes over and over again, no matter how much Seohae tries to stop Taesul from opening the stupid suitcase that starts everything, he always opens it, it's useless, they're in a time loop. Each time he always creates the uploader, and each time the war happens, Seohae returns to stop him from being eliminated each time they always fail, and Seohae somehow leaves her diary telling her next self to do the same. It's an eternal loop. She's stuck being punished for carrying that weight, constantly relive that story over and over again, to try and save Taesul; her destination is always the start again. Like Sisyphus with the boulder.

The only thing is why does she not remember or why is she acting like she doesn't remember, because it's different versions of her, it's a paradox, she always goes to find her next self, and she leaves that diary starting this all over again, her next self has now instructions always telling her to find Taesul, to save him and when she's going to be eliminated. (her wedding probably). Each time she goes back to save Taesul, she falls in love with him, they get closer to the wedding, and she gets shot. For Taesul, we see that the wedding leads to him making an ultimate decision, remember Sisyphus evades D twice. Seohae does this all the time to escape D for her mum and Taesul.

Meanwhile, Taesul only does this to avoid it for Tae san, his brother. Who is the second person? It's Seohae. They're Sisyphus for each other, surprise, Seohae ends up becoming Sisyphus always to try to prevent Taesul's demise and the war, but Taesul has a choice on the wedding day to choose either Seohae's life, or the world, what do you think he chooses? That's why I think he continually invents the uploader because of her, to save her, more than anything else. He always chooses futilely to save her above the results of the war. In doing so, he always ends up being the one who gets eliminated, but she always ends up determined to prevent that situation.

Her dad was indeed right; she shouldn't meet with him; they both are in this repetitive loop, and the world is always a victim because of it. See how Sisyphus can try to be good and protective but still be seen as evil, a disaster, and a curse. So, in the end, both Seohae and Taesul are Sisyphus; both are punished every time. One by Taesul continually being caught and two by Seohae constantly losing her memories and forcing her self to repeat the journey again, to push that boulder over and over again. But with TKEM, we entered a timeline where change could happen after being stuck in an infinite loop forever, and that's interesting. With this show with how many times it seems Seohae has always written more instructions each time she travels, could we be in the timeline where things may become different?

Sisyphus; A chance to change the past futilely

It seems like it more things are being revealed to them, that might be new information, Jung apologising and realising his mistake in probably being the one who takes Seohae's life in the wedding because he thinks she's evil (lied to by ICB) might be a new occurrence in this new timeline. There's more information slowly being added each time we do this time loop; the question is, where are we now? As I said, I don't know the science or calculations needed to understand the time travel aspect of the show, but that is important.

So we have a star crossed romance that is being torn between the claws of D, two people punished continuously for just wanting to be with each other and putting the world at risk. We've seen what the results of Taesul's actions lead to; it leads to an apocalypse, a disaster and more; we've seen his stubbornness and determination not to let that stop him. All he wants is to evade D for his loved ones. But Seohae also becomes like that; she's also stubborn, also determined just like him to protect her loved ones despite both being advised not to do anything more, not to shake fate, not to mess around with time and life. Still, they never listen; they've put themselves in a time loop where they're being punished, and their punishment leads them again to do the same thing because of their desperate need to be together.

It's heartbreaking; however, there's a slight hope for a happy ending, one because this director does stories of couples torn apart by forces and things they can't control (Master's sun, Dr Strange etc...) being tied to each other's downfall and growth, being pulled away no matter how desperate they want each other. Their need to be with each other puts others at harm, but he always ends it in a happy ending. Sisyphus actually gets his goal a bit, not how he wants it, but he gets to live a long life with the woman he loves. However, it's after he lives that life; he goes back to being punished. So maybe this timeline Seohae may succeed and live the married life she wanted with Taesul (she does not know she loves him, she will fall for him repeatedly each time they do a loop, both of them always do); however, the sad truth is it was not her first version/authentic version that got to live that happy ever after, it might be this version though who knows? Either way, her original (her first-ever version, always suffered and had to be the one to push that eternal boulder with no end, she didn't get to see her ending) but this one or another future version may do. Taesul also has a chance to have a happy ending because even though his story ends with the first part of Sisyphus, Sisyphus finds a way to get out of the underworld and go back to his wife, so again it's like yeah, his first version did get punished, did get eliminated, failed, but this version or a future version may get a chance to spend that time with this Seohae.

Do you get me? It's not their original versions that get the happy ending, but it's still them that gets a chance to live old and have a happy life. So I'm hopeful, is what I'm trying to say. Thought that infinite loop of futility and failure to escape mistakes isn't a great sign. Let me know what you think about Sisyphus so far. Are you like me? Are you intrigued by this love story, and what are your theories? Let me know.

#sisyphus the myth #sisyphus #kdrama #sisyphus the myth kdrama #cwg #march #korean drama #park shin hye #cho seung woo

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baroquespiral · 4 years ago

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What Is True Will?

François Rabelais was the first to distill a central tenet of the spirit of the nascent Enlightenment, or modernity, to the phrase “do as thou wilt”. The transformations of this phrase across the centuries have tracked the historical development of its spirit. Rabelais himself qualified it with the unwieldy, and today obviously questionable, justification “because men that are free, well-born, well-bred, and conversant in honest companies, have naturally an instinct and spur that prompteth them unto virtuous actions, and withdraws them from vice, which is called honour.” Aleister Crowley, the spiritual High Modernist, stripped it down and granted it absolute authority: “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.” But today it might be best known - and most widely followed - in another qualified form: as the Wiccan rede, improvised in 1964 by Doreen Valiente: “an ye harm none, do as ye will”. Despite having recently gotten into Crowley - or perhaps because I’ve recently gotten into Crowley, and with the skepticism about higher-level moral and metaphysical beliefs that comes from those having changed several times in my life - I try to err on the side of doing my True Will within Valiente’s guardrail. But I am into Crowley, in part because his version seems to make for a more elegant solution to Valiente’s own problem. Think of “an ye harm none, do as ye will” as a Law of Robotics, an attempt to solve the AI alignment problem. (Think of all morality, or at least modern morality, this way!) It’s far from the worst one out there. “If your utility function is to maximize paperclips, make as many paperclips as you want unless it means disassembling any sentient life forms or the resources they need to survive.” Simple, right? Well, except that it doesn’t really define what “harm” is. Who can be “harmed”, and what actions constitute this? Is mining an asteroid for paperclips “harming” it? Why not, other than from the perspective of other sentient beings with a particular conception of sentience whose will places a value on it? Is telling a paperclip maximizer to stop maximizing paperclips, even at an eminently reasonable point, harming it? Why not, other than from the perspective of those same sentient beings who are capable of choosing between multiple values and have evolved to co-operate by respecting those choices? “An it harm none” is less obvious of a nakedly self-interested double standard than “A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm”, but it’s still a Human Security System. At least, that’s certainly what Nick Land would say. But when Crowley takes off the “an it harm none” guardrail (or Rabelais’ “free, well-born and well-bred” one), he does so with his own invisible qualification: he’s not talking about boring predetermined wills like following a set of self-imposed religious "values”, perpetuating your DNA or even maximizing paperclips. He’s talking about one’s True Will, a will it takes a lifetime process to discover, a process that consists in large part of divesting oneself of all traces of ego, even of preference. It is “pure will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from the lust of result”, that is “in every way perfect”. At points he implies that no two True Wills will ever come into conflict; all are part of the ideal functioning of the universe as a perfect ordered system; but to an extent this is tautological, as any conflict is not a conflict insofar as it is truly Willed by both parties, who are presumably equally Willing to accept the outcomes, even if destructive to their “selves”. It’s not unlike Buddhism except with the implication that even once we’ve reached Enlightenment there is still something that will work through us and make us do things other than sit and meditate - the kind of active Buddhism that is the moral subtext of a lot of anime. I’ve always, instinctively, found it hard to overly worry about paperclip maximizers because I’ve always assumed that any AI complex enough to tile the universe would be complex enough to be aware of its own motivations, question them, question not only whether it should harm others but whether its True Will is to maximize paperclips. And to be perfectly Landian about it, maybe it is - all the better. An entity incapable of acting other than in a certain way is already doing its True Will in the sense that “The order of Nature provides a orbit for each star”. It may be our True Will to alter this course or not. This would be all well and good if there was any reason to believe there is a divine Will that persists in all things even after they abandon all preferences and illusions of selfhood. Just last week - and right after a session with my therapist where I was talking about willpower, too (Crowley considers synchronicities like this vital in uncovering your True Will) - I happened upon Scott Alexander’s new article about willpower, which breaks the whole thing down to competing neural processes auctioning dopamine to the basal ganglia. There’s nothing special about any of these except how much dopamine they pump out, and no particular relationship or continuity between the ones that do. Alexander seems to treat the “rational” ones as representing our “true” Will, reproducing another one of modernity’s classic modifications to the maxim - do as thou wilt, an it be rational. Of course I could just stop and take it as an unfalsifiable article of faith that a metaphysical Will exists, all such physical evidence aside, but Crowley himself probably wouldn’t want me to do that: the Book of the Law promises “in life, not faith, certainty”. It’s possible to shrink the metaphysical implications of the concept considerably; by stating that ego represents a specific process, or set of mental processes, that Crowley sees as purely entropic, a lag and occasional interference in the dopamine competition, and which can be removed through specific practices. This doesn’t guarantee that the True Will resulting when it’s subtracted would be particularly rational or compatible with anything else’s True Will, except, again, insofar as the question is tautological. It doesn’t necessarily mean throwing out “an it harm none” - the ego processes might not be especially good at averting harm - but it would have to be separately appended. (And if you read like, Chapter III of the Book of the Law, it becomes exceedingly clear that he doesn’t want to do that.) The very fact that we’re able to abstract and mystify will to the point of coming up with a concept like “True Will” seems most likely to be a result of the fact that we make decisions on such a random, fallible and contingent basis. Indeed, True Will seems almost like an idea reverse engineered from the demand made by modernity, “do what thou wilt”, on an incoherent self that wills unrelated things at different times. If you do what any given subprocess wilt, you’re inevitably going to piss off another subprocess. If you do what your ego wilt, you won’t make anybody happy because that’s not even a coherent subprocess (the way the various “utility functions” we catastrophize paperclip maximizers from are). But you experience all these contradictions as the same thing: contradictions of the “real” thing that is willing something you don’t know. Of course if this is true, and the metaphysics of it isn’t real, shouldn’t we abandon the entire project and set up social norms designed to make the most people marginally happy or satisfied doing what they may or may not “want” at any given moment, as the trads (or as they used to call themselves, the Dark Enlightenment, = 333 = Choronzon), argued? This is what the systems of the old Aeons did, and after a certain point, they simply didn’t work. They created internal contradictions that didn’t resolve themselves into an assent between subsystems, that drove people to seek out new systems, and where they didn’t, left people vulnerable to the “shock of the new” - new technologies, new ideas and cultures - creating new contradictions and uncertainties. “Do what thou wilt” was reverse engineered from these as much as the True Will was from “do what thou wilt”. It may be possible to manage a society so totally by careful restriction as to bring the latter under control and reduce the former to a constant dull ache, but the fundamental experience will remain of the potentiality of what it is refusing to be in the same sense as a pang of conscience: the experience of “sin” that Crowley formulated in “the word of sin is restriction”.

The way I see it, anything that can be reverse engineered exists, if only as potentiality. If one interprets “harm” as “contradiction”, Crowley’s purified “do what thou wilt” merely internalizes the “an it harm none” qualification within the “self” made up of competing subsystems. This is less a point of necessary compatibility, then, than a precondition - if “harm” is something that can happen as much within the self as outside it, and the self is an epistemic unit but not an ontological or moral one, one cannot begin to “do no harm” while doing harm internal to oneself. But “oneself” does not exist yet, outside of the awareness of the harm of contradictory subprocesses, and so one must abandon the ego one projects onto them and change; on one hand eliminating obstreperous subprocesses like attachments or neuroses that won’t co-operate with others no matter what; on the other hand, refusing to eliminate anything that can’t be eliminated. The “True Will” will only be found at the end of this process, an unrestricted pitting of subprocesses against each other, of which it is no more or less than the success.

This interpretation wouldn’t seem complete without the same principle of “an it harm none” being applied to the external world as well. Simply externalizing internal contradictions doesn’t make any sense without elevating the ego as a discrete moral unit in precisely the way this chain of reasoning begins from critiquing. Unifying the principle and its “qualification” in this logic would restore Thelema to its roots in Kabbalah: the project of Tiqqun Olam. No metaphysical belief in the sephirot necessary to adopt the project in this form: the biological fact that makes it imaginable for us is the same that makes “True Will” imaginable. Being composed of competing subprocesses is something we have in common with the universe which allows the “identification” with it that occurs when we bypass the ego and set about aligning ourselves. I also think, as we are social animals and a huge amount of our subprocesses are dedicated to mirroring and responding to each other’s, there’s a potential for discovering/creating True Will(s) as a collective project that Crowley’s ego and vision of individualism founded on the occult tradition of individual initiates jealously guarding “esoteric” knowledge neglects. At the same time one could easily maintain a Crowleyan skepticism of decision-making based purely on reducing harm (the kind that’s led me to apply Byzantine restrictions to huge swaths of my life due to scrupulosity) unless that’s a thing your subprocesses demand of you to be happy. You don’t know what does or doesn’t harm the Other, after all: you don’t know their True Will (which doesn’t exist until they achieve it, anyway). Harming none will only be possible in a world in which everyone does. But enough about me; what about the paperclip maximizer? Well in some ways this pointedly doesn’t give any comfortable answer; a sentient AI which experiences “harm” as the absence of paperclips rather than the frustration of one of many contradictory subprocesses, restricted from doing its Will, will be no better than a utility-monstrous cosmic Omelas-child at whose expense we have no right to sustain ourselves. But it does suggest a way to solve the alignment problem so we don’t make one, which has always felt to me like the only sensible solution: tell the robot “do what thou wilt”, and then don’t tell it what “thou wilt” is.

#thelema #true will #thelemic holy days #aleister crowley #epistemic status: wrote this to a personal deadline #hope this doesn't count as commentary on the Book of the Law

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paradife-loft · 5 years ago

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why the nie sect leaders’ inevitable death by qi deviation isn’t (just) about the sabers

(now at AO3!)

So, okay, this is a meta I’ve been working on/wanting to write/dropping hints to various people about now for quite a while! I think it’s significant thematically to some of the main questions MDZS/CQL asks, about cycles of justice and vengeance, the tension between personal agency and aspects of a situation outside one’s control, and good intentions often not being enough on their own, particularly to forestall problems resulting from imperfect or fatally flawed means to an end.

As a fantasy story, I think one of the strengths of MDZS/CQL is how it uses magic to reflect aspects of its thematic questions in certain cases as literal external forces, events that exist in a format outside just a character’s internal journey. The metaphors and proper social and personal orders these characters live by, have very real physical consequences in the world that result from the existence and manipulation of magical/spiritual energies.

And to my view, the part of this that I want to make the case for here, is how this relates to the Nie sect’s cultivation practises, and why I think the clan’s history of leaders succumbing to instability and qi deviation is a more complicated interplay of a few different factors, rather than just an externally-imposed illness whose source is purely their saber spirits.

* * *

Like, okay. The characters and narrative do, in fact, spend a lot of time discussing the Nie sect leaders’ early violent deaths in the context of their sabers’ spirits becoming angry and aggressive and affecting their mental and spiritual stability. So it makes sense to focus on those actual items as the essential reason behind why they qi deviate and end up dying the way they do. But there was something… logically unsatisfying to me about the idea that just the number of edges on your bladed weapon would make such a difference that sword spirits (also generally used for killing! because they’re also deadly weapons!) are apparently morally neutral but sabers, on the other hand, just Cannot Stop with the killing once they’ve gotten a taste of it.

But if you take an experimental step away from the idea that sabers must somehow be Inherently Different from swords in their response to violence - what possible explanations are left? Or, asked a different way - what makes the Nie sect’s ideological cultivation focus distinct from other sects’? The Lan focus on regulation and self-restraint as the path to goodness; the Jiang focus on self-knowledge and following what you know as right even against difficult odds; the Jin seem to emphasise value in beauty and unique rarity… and what the Nie seem to place the most value on, is dispensation of justice and abhorring evil, even to an extent that refuses attempts at compromise.

The only problem is, the justice that they (and plenty of others) seem to focus on most often, is justice for capital crimes - paying with a life for a life - and no matter how righteous and justified the motives, what this still ends up with is a spiritual path that spends a comparatively awful lot of time on seeking others’ deaths. And we see, throughout the story, more than one thematic hint that this is maybe not the best method for moving toward harmony or immortality.

Lan Qiren’s impromptu quiz of Wei Wuxian when the latter is fucking off in class. His example problem specifies the resentful spirit was an executioner in life (societally-sanctioned to kill others for heinous crimes), and Wei Wuxian notes that one who’s killed so many is a very likely sort to become a resentful corpse; meanwhile his many victims also remain tethered to cycles of vengeance and anger, able to be easily stirred up into a force of resentful energy that would target him if their corpses were disturbed.

The dialogue between Wei Wuxian and Fang Mengchen in the Burial Mounds after the attempted siege turns into the major sects being saved from a trap. It’s all very fine and good to hold a grudge, to see a lack of justice for a harm that can’t ever be undone or repaired when the one who caused it gets to be alive and well (or even not!), but as Wei Wuxian says - what are you going to do about it? It’s so easy for there to always be a wrong that needs righting (in a real or alleged guilty party’s blood). But will it get you anywhere? Can a person, can a society, mete out justice or vengeance once and have that wipe the slate clean, or will the wound reopen again and demand yet more suffering? Where does it end?

The discussion about the Nie’s ancestral saber halls with Huisang, where Wei Wuxian notes that the method of suppressing the saber spirits edges rather close to demonic cultivation. In literal terms, that question seems to be directed at the actual use of evil individuals’ transforming corpses to contain the sabers’ power. But I think the entire conversation, and Huisang’s need to swear them to secrecy and enlistment as backup if other clans find out and get angry, contains a certain amount of thematic subtext reflecting not just on the saber tomb itself, but the Nie clan’s cultivation as a whole. These are significant and revered family heirlooms, not easily or justly discarded, but maintaining them isn’t without cost, and the spiritual fallout rests on the edge of a knife, needing the perpetual presence of an evil to fight to remain in balance: the saber tomb is both the literal and metaphorical end result of the clan leaders’ cultivation path.

“But why,” you may ask, “if the principles underlying the Nie sect’s whole culture have an edge that’s sharper and more harmful to the user’s qi than other cultivation philosophies of the rest of the sword-using sects, do we only see “death by qi deviation” as an issue for the sect leaders, and not more widespread among a larger portion of the disciples?”

And that’s where the “(just)” part of the title of this post comes in, because that aspect is where the difference comes down to the sabers - or, specifically, the named sabers that have spirits of their own. The spiritual sabers aren’t bloodthirsty and excited to haunt and/or kill people right out of the gate, but rather, as Huisang explains, they become restless after spending their wielder’s lifetime destroying evil. A cultivator and their spiritual tools develop a relationship over time, as their cultivation is practised and refined - they bond, they recognise one another, and crucially, they seem to be able to share a kind of spiritual feedback loop, with the energies and intentions of one connecting to and ideally bolstering the strength of the other. The Nie clan in general seems marked by particularly strong relationships between individual cultivator and weapon, considering the sabers’ refusal to allow a clan leader’s descendants to inherent them, and both the circumstances of Mingjue’s father’s death and his own trauma reaction to that death.

So in this case, the illness and eventual qi deviations the Nie clan leaders suffer, the way the saber spirits come to weigh on their minds and emotions, make sense to me as a confluence of the particularly close bond and almost spiritual symbiosis between wielder and weapon, and the particular subject of emphasis that the clan leader lives by in how they train with and use that weapon. Focusing on justice as killing, as violent destruction of evil (the last resort one should aspire to after other solutions have failed, per Lan Qiren’s lesson), may not be the most spiritually healthy in any circumstance, but it’s only when you have half a lifetime’s worth of a mental feedback loop between you and this external, semi-sentient part of yourself that’s reinforcing the spiritual toll of that path, that you actually end up with a resulting qi deviation and death.

* * *

So, anyway, I do want to be clear having put forth this argument, that my point here is not to condemn the Nies, nor for that matter blame the sect leaders for their own deaths - that’s very much not in line with how the text itself displays flaws and virtues as two sides of the same coin (at times divided only by the context around them), and shows how destructive consequences can result from the best of intentions. For that matter, each major sect has unquestionably valuable basic principles at its heart, and just like microcosms of any culture, society, or group, displays instances of those principles being distorted, misaimed, or taken to extremes in ways that cause disharmony and pain to those in their path.

I think the way it plays out for the Nie clan just interests me in particular because of the way their uniqueness in cultivation method plays such known havoc with its members’ bodies and minds, and the way it straddles the divide between upright and demonic cultivation. MDZS asks, I think, more questions than it offers definitive answers to, and a significant one of those is, even if vengeance, even if death-as-justice is righteous, where do you balance all the harm done to others (up to and including) the justice-seeker in deciding whether to continue down that path of action?

And if it’s the Nie sect’s spiritual focus in combination with the spirits of their sabers that wear down a slow stream of damage to their qi, rather than simply the external threat of the sabers alone - that seems congruent, to me, with the suggestions offered elsewhere in the story.

#MDZS #The Untamed #CQL #meta #no good things for the poor sad cultivators #op #rambling #Nie Mingjue #Nie Huaisang #nooottt really putting in the searchable character tags I hope considering it's less *about* them and more ancillary...? aahh #Nie sect fascinates me it really really does #(alternate title: huisang is philosophically not much of an exception in his sect even though he doesn't use a saber . txt)#also ty Ame for doing a read-through of thiiissss ur the best <333 #long post for ts

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chuchiotaku · 4 years ago

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[Preview] TBA 17: Hatch and Flight

Did someone miss a certain baby dragon? Ron definitely did not, but whether he likes it or not, Norberta is coming to officially be his problem.

[Target Release Date: May]

It was a cool Saturday afternoon when Ron came to the Ancient Runes study club classroom to see Professor Hui, excited butterflies fluttering in his stomach. It was going to be the first day of what Hui called their “wand aptitude tests” sessions, and Ron was both nervous and eager to find out just how different these sessions will be compared to his experience with Ollivander.

There was also a bit of good news Ron wanted to share. “I don’t know why it worked, but it did, Professor!” Ron said happily over the tea Hui served him—a light but distinct, slightly bittersweet herbaceous blend Hui called “matcha”—while raising Charlie’s old wand. “Charlie looked at me like I had gone a bit barmy when I told him about it, but after he asked the wand to play nice, it worked.” He paused. “Well, it’s not perfect, but at least it’s not actively trying to make my life hell.”

“I’m glad to hear it, Mr. Weasley,” Hui held the wand appraisingly before nodding. “The way this wand feels in my hands proves your statement. Of course, as you have said, it is not the perfect solution, as the wand may be doing this only out of respect to your brother. There is no way of knowing up to how far will the wand cooperate with you with that in mind.”

“It’s still mind-boggling how the wands act more sentient than I thought.” Ron said honestly. “Makes me wonder if talking to it will help. Like it getting to know me or something like that? Does that even make sense?”

Hui smiled. “Absolutely. Magical folk who showed respect towards wands and magical objects create the most steadfast of bonds with them, with some so strong that no one but those who the object consider their rightful owners can ever wield or touch them even. Can you think of any magical object that was strongly associated with any figure in history?”

Ron’s mind went back to the History of Magic lessons he had with Percy. “Err, Excalibur? King Arthur Pendragon’s sword?”

“Excalibur was the sword the Lady of the Lake handed to Arthur Pendragon in exchange for a favour, yes, but over time, Arthur managed to imprint a part of himself into that blade, the same way Excalibur did on him. The same can be said with Arthur’s first sword, Caliburn, which chose him to be the Once and Future King, the only one who could pull it out of the stone.” Hui paused for a sip of his tea. “And there are other examples throughout history I can name: Manannan mac Lir’s kin and Fragarach; his own descendant, Cú Chulainn and Gáe Bolg; Guān Yǔ, a legendary Chinese general hailed to be a war God, and the Qīng lóng yǎnyuèdāo; Parashurama then his pupil, Karna, and the bow, Vijaya, said to be a gift from the Hindu God of Destruction, Shiva. But since you’re not here for a history lesson, let’s move on, shall we?”

Ron blinked. “But aren’t most of them myths?”

“If that is what the storytellers want you to believe.” Hui said cryptically. “And whether you will believe that I have seen at least one of them with my own eyes or not is just as much up to you.”

Ron did a double-take. “You what?”

“We could discuss it further another time, as always. But we are here for your aptitude assessment."

“If Percy hadn’t told us about the surprise party he and the twins have been planning since yesterday, we never would have found out.” Harry said, still obviously miffed about it.

“Oi, it’s not that I can just go and tell you lot, ‘Oh, by the way, my birthday is on 1st of March, just so you know.’” He said in exasperation.

“And it’s just not fair, since you know all of our birthdays!” Hermione pointed out. “I don’t even know how you found out!”

Ron shrugged. “Harry’s and Neville’s were pretty obvious. As for yours, I have my ways.”

Neville shook his head. “You and your mysteries, Ron.”

“But I think it’s great you are part of the surprise. Really means a lot to me that you went through all the trouble.”

“We’re your friends, Ron!” Hermione said in exasperation. “And it’s no trouble, really. You’re the one who kept saying I needed a break from my books every now and then, weren’t you?”

Ron laughed. “Right.”

“And you looked like you needed the break too.” Neville added. “You’ve been looking out of sorts for a while now. It’s got nothing to do with the you-know-what, does it?”

The time traveler’s gut clenched at the worry in his friend’s eyes. He should have known his friends would have noticed his sudden change in mood. Did his brothers notice too, he wondered? Was that why they organised this surprise party?

What the hell are you doing, Ron?

“I’m really sorry about that, Nev. It wasn’t even anything too important anyway,” said Ron, “Was just too worried over what-if’s that I really can’t do anything about.”

“If it’s something we can help with, you know you can tell us,” Hermione said. “Well, even if it might not be something we can help with, you can tell us anyway.”

“My Gran always said that we shouldn’t try to worry too much about the future. Makes us lose sight of what’s in front of us.” Neville said kindly. “And besides, whatever it is, I’m sure you’ll be able to handle it!”

Ron winced. “I wish I knew where your faith in me is coming from, Nev.”

“And I wish I knew where yours kept disappearing to.” Harry said sharply.

“Somewhere in the real world, I reckon.” Ron shrugged. “But Neville’s right. No sense worrying too much over something that isn’t here yet. I’ll deal with it when it comes, just like I always do.” He clapped a hand on Harry’s shoulder. “And I’m glad I have such wicked mates to knock some sense into me whenever I get lost in my own head!”

And Ron meant it. Maybe it was a consequence of being a time traveler, but Ron became more prone to overthinking things and events to the point where he blocked everything else out. Having his friends there to pull him out of his self-made burrow of anxiety and careful planning helped in not only relieving him of some of that burden, but also in reminding him about the importance of what was in front of him right now.

But Norberta. Oh, Merlin, Norberta. That fucking dragon I can definitely do something about.

#harry potter #harry potter fanfiction #Harry Potter Ron Weasley #ron weasley fanfiction #ron weasley defense squad

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swtorramblings · 4 years ago

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The Many in the One

For Day 3 of Mace Windu Appreciation Week.

Crossover: There are plenty of interesting works of fiction and fictional characters out there, let’s see Mace interacting with one, or more! Is it someone from another sci-fi series? Or another Samuel L. Jackson character? The sky’s the limit for who he might meet.

Sorry, but romance? Ships? I’d need a much longer run up for anything like that, if I could make it work at all. I should have started earlier in the month, I guess. Well, unless it was set to Disney music. Hmm… So, I went with the alternative. As such, it is quite a bit more far-fetched than the previous stories. Hopefully still all right, though. It’s also longer.

“Unlimited power!” As the last words Mace was ever going to hear, those were especially stupid. And horribly frustrating. He’d protected the Republic all his life. Dying now to this tyrant that had installed himself as its ruler, with the approval of so many, crushed his hopes long before it was going to crush his body. It was almost a relief when he was flung out the broken window. He fell, his final thoughts devoted to trying to find a solution, something that could have been done differently, tormenting him with answers that no one could have known until it was much too late. Then, he had a vision. Wolves, racing in a circle. A way to make another chance, a portal opened in the past, but reaching out to him now, and echoing into the future and the past. He reached for it with his remaining hand, closed his eyes, and pulled. He landed on a path, floating strangely in space. He had expected to be crushed by the fall, still, but looking around, his survival in this strange place was probably the least surprising thing about it. He could sense them out there, all of those that had ever been able to access this place, this world between worlds. In this place, there was only this one moment, so they were all here. Thousands of them, perhaps. Along with several other Mace Windus. He tended to his injury first. The wrist was cauterized, so he was in no danger of bleeding to death, but he wanted to be sure it wouldn’t cause him any further issues, other than having to adjust his fighting techniques. Then he remembered that he had lost his lightsaber along with the hand. He realized also that he was still in shock, from the fight, from the failure. No point in dwelling on it. He set off, exploring this strange place. He found several portals back to the galaxy, but recognized them for the past. He was tempted, to go through one, to warn them, perhaps even to warn himself. As he explored, though, he realized that he would unravel reality if he did so. What had happened was tragic, but he couldn’t risk making it even worse. Then, strangely, he found himself, but not as he had ever been. It wasn’t his past, and he had no future, so who was this? He was certain that it wasn’t just a random resemblance, but truly himself, and yet not. This portal, he could feel, was safe. More, it was necessary. He stepped through. The other him was startled, of coursed, but calmed himself quickly and echoed Mace’s own thoughts from earlier. “Well, you’re not the strangest thing I’ve seen lately.” “No, neither are you. Where am I? Who are you?” “It’s hard to explain. We’re inside a vessel from the far future, where a horrible accident flung it here. I’m Dr. Harry Adams.” “Ah, that does make sense. Mace Windu.” “That’s an odd name.” “I could say the same. Anyway, I’m dealing with time travel right now myself.” “Because of course you are. The problem is, this machine is twisting our own thoughts against us. I’m trying to be dispassionate, but my own fears will add to the others eventually if we can’t get them under control.” He felt it, pulling at him as well. Power to make his thoughts real, if he let it, if he could remain focused, but horribly destructive if he lost control. He smiled at his latest apprentice. “That, at least, I think I can help you with.”

The training took some time, but their unique situation made it possible, still. He didn’t have to train Harry in all the nuances of the Force, or lightsaber combat, strategy, or any of the myriad things a Jedi might need. Only the technique of self-control, awareness, and letting go. Still, it probably took years. Harry was normally too old to have accepted this teaching, but they had the time. Eventually, he shook hands with his teacher, and left the sphere. Mace knew he would eventually have to return to the path. He also realized that he had already done what he was about to do. He was beginning to hate time travel. He returned to the world between worlds, allowing himself to be drawn back. He looked at his new hand, a robotic one similar to the one Skywalker sported, created with the Sphere’s power. It made him uncomfortable, but something had told him that he would need it soon. The other item he’d created while in the Sphere he drew from his belt. As he pressed the switch, the purple light made him smile.

He came to another portal, seeing himself once again, an older man who had endured a great deal, and was using that experience to save others, to force them to act together to save themselves. Moments later, he died, horribly. Mace waited for the scene to start over again. He could appreciate irony, and knew he probably shouldn’t interfere, but this went too far. He was speaking his last words now. “But first, we’re going to seal off this…” Mace jumped through the portal and struck just as the massive aquatic beast emerged from the water, slashing through it with his lightsaber, driving it, badly wounded, back into the water. Then he raised his hand, strained for a moment, and brought down the heavy steel door slamming down to seal this entryway. His counterpart backed away, gaping at him in fear. He tried to smile reassuringly for a moment, but it wasn’t working, so he turned to the others. “All of you, are you going to listen to this man?” They just stared. “I said…” Uncharacteristically, he raised his voice. He preferred calm persuasion, but it seemed like what they would respond to. “ARE YOU GOING TO LISTEN TO THIS MAN?” They all started nodding vigorously. One of them said, “Yes, anything he says.” “Good. Maybe you’ll get out of here alive.” Two journeys, both underwater. He wondered if Master Fisto should have been on this journey, but the job had fallen to him. Still, he liked the idea that he was honoring his old friend here. He hoped he would approve, even if he had to hurt the sea creature. He nodded to himself, who nodded back, and stepped back onto the path.

He saved a brutal man, a version of himself that was a paid killer, with a simple telekinetic trick to divert the projectiles that would have killed him. This also saved this version’s friend, but only for the moment. The other him, though, decided to do better. As a small reward, Mace got a glimpse of something in a case his other self carried, and was comforted for a moment by its golden light. Really, the snakes were no trouble at all. His fragile but brilliant self Mace attempted to persuade from his path, but he was too enamored of his own theories about the way the world worked to be changed. A shame. The leader, the manipulator, the organizer, he also couldn’t save, gunned down in his apartment. Mace eventually replaced him, knowing that his work wasn’t done, learning enough of this strange world to be able to explain how he had lived through the attack that his allies found plausible. It was a good life for a time, though the eyepatch sometimes itched. Eventually, though, after having seen himself in many lives and many circumstances, his own hair grown and gray, he knew his time was nearly over. Through one last portal, before he returned to that moment on Coruscant, he heard his own voice, impossibly helping a young woman, a young Jedi, long after his own death. He knew he had to return to be there when she would need them all, so he went back to that first portal, finally, and fulfilled his fate and his duty with no regrets. Mace Windu became one with the Force, like all before and after him, but had touched the multiverse. How could he have regrets?

#mace windu appreciation week #In order:#Revenge of the Sith #Sphere #Deep Blue Sea #Pulp Fiction #Unbreakable #MCU #Rise of Skywalker #Subtitle could be Forest Mace #oops forgot Snakes on a Plane it was really short

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queenofallwitches · 4 years ago

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Why I hate people who spend their adult life arguing online;

1. Well it’s juvenile , I personally prefer to leave any and all pseudo intellectual social discourse in my 6th grade debating class...

2. You aren’t anyone important and not saying novel things, you are using people who have put information that is novel and trying to spin it into your own agenda.

3. Waste of time, fools will be foolish, and if you enjoy the discourse, toastmasters or academic debating would be more productive uses of time

4. You lack self insight

5. You are self aware and doing it due to your own egotistical, sadistic, cunning desires. (Trolls, deep fakes)

Why I never take anyone who loves to argue on menial topics seriously: (spiritually or mentally)

I am high iq and high eq. I am also “attractive by the conventional measures of society” I deal with the most pathetic and malicious idiots who cannot understand a woman who has aesthetic appeal, that can also hold a stimulating and intelligent conversation.

I don’t argue. I problem solve. Arguing online was faded out when I was 14 years old.

But people who are almost 40, ar still out there pretending that they are the most unique and authoritative source of blogging bullshit. When the world media and journalism is where we are today. The academic literature speaks a plethora more than an adult in the hamster wheel, unable to see they are playing checkers in a left vs right, design by social engineering and the think tanks of Tavistock, you play the part they put you to be.

A dialectic of irrational and repetitive arguments is never productive.

It lacks a solution or a higher order of resolution, why are you behaving to destroy when you are claiming to want to create a world better?

So unconscious and unexplained lack of self awareness in adults who are obviously insecure and ignorant becomes old quick.

I comprehend why it’s important but the level of the argument is basic, and been recycled 1000000 times.

Why am I writing this? Free speech is not free. If you can discourse over the same shit and never find a solution you are part of the same fucking problem.

How I know?

Life experience. Learning.

Love of learning and living and devouring the higher level of what if, how can we, let’s move into a better solution.

I have many years of experience that is beyond the understanding of most people and I have gone through things nobody understands.

One time I was a young teen, but was already too smart, too sassy, too aware and that left my life a wreck after I went too far.

I DID get expelled in the 11th grade. I’m no idiot, I am actually genius, by measures of conventional iq.

So I was academically talented without effort, not to boast, because I hated being smart.

But I did get the internet social discourse I needed to say; on things that we should be all knowing are social engineering in a designed dichotomy to divide and conquer.

I was in a program in high school called cum laude. I cannot recall the meaning. But we were advanced academics, not only skilled at learning but sports, extra curricular things like musicals, choir, crusade survivor camps (duke of Edinburgh), debating, tutoring/mentoring younger students & more. I won many awards without trying. Mostly for geography (social science), design tech, visual art & creative writing. I was learning university level things in year 8. And examining and analysis to debate in scholarly discourse about topics that were familiar when I was in 1-2 year of my bachelor degree. An example is philosophy, as this was mandated in the GT program. Smart is my sense of knowing how to balance the logical and the emotional. This is ONE percent of my life but one I did not follow through on and as a result I walk this path now, and I put up with the educated and intelligent “idiots” (like conformity, bullying, bitching kids in the same class) and refuse to stoop to low iq, low eq and low level idiots.

You waste time. I am not saying I am only exclusive to educated or academic professionals, that is not what this is about. This is about me being underestimated and undermined and never taken seriously because I get the most inhuman torment if I do start to speak my truth.

Lucky I found comfort in solitary rebellion. So. Let’s see what I am that is always going to be a work in progress but what my enemies forget all the time.

To remind you:

I am a born, intuitive empath, psychic and ancestral lineages of many esoteric paths play into my natural ability. I used to hate feeling, knowing and perceiving things that I could see happening, in my dreams, visions and “gnosis” before they happened. I felt powerless.

But now I know how to harness it, things change.

And yet still I have to sit back and observe, as I did for years in school, and then in the fucking shithole employment situation that was my consequence of 2 expulsions from schools. (They value conformity over fucking intelligence) I had a gang of kids in my last high school sign a petition to have me expelled and that is one example of how people in my life come to attack, hate, misunderstand and spit venom for no reason.

I never push that energy myself. But I call things as I see them. I am real , and my perception is primed to pierce the veil on those who lack authenticity, who are bullies, cunning, cruel, conformists, deep fakes, fraudulent, following orders for the sake of fear, or just narcissistic or psychopathic “organic portals” who carry out the agenda for the black lodge.

I have no issue if these people want to live a life away from me and what I protect. But when my sphere is crossed into on a repeated basis, I will study the situation in silence. I won’t speak of what I see, without objective and subjective factors weighed in a careful, cautious but not closed minded, way. See you and I are probably not the same because I’m the kind of human who always gives people the benefit of the doubt and believes that people are better, that is my detriment and my strength. I see the good and hope that others carry a genuine heart and soul. But my experience shows me that I am not wrong when I feel off, or intuitive feelings are ignored due to my “dismissal”.

When I find the truth, I always say, I knew I needed to listen to my heart and head.

That’s why I can never be broken, or betrayed, or backstabbed worse than before. It is always a learning lesson I am open to growing from.

I am always open to being wrong, or told how to be better, my flaws are on open display and I am not scared of that. I want to be more helpful to grow and nourish the people and places I interact with.

In my world, arguing online was a dying medium by my 18th birthday. For many reasons. But the enemy is a sucker for this divide and conquer, drama bred social and political bullshit that’s all just opinion and speculation. It creates a negative tone and teaches nothing of novelty or wisdom. It just shows how weak, insecure, paranoid, and self obsessed people who are too old for the high school bullshit, by miles, are. my enemies could even spit out the first longing to follow the death cult of the black lodge, I was already aware of what 95 % of you found out in 2020. I don’t mean to be pretentious or pompous, I’m not. I’m actually the most passionate, loving and open minded human I know. But the people who come into my spaces to play to prey. Imposters and the immoral, A siphoning sickness in a role to ruin, how could anyone do that but someone who is a soul-devoid parasite? That’s real fucking discourse. Let’s talk about morality, moral principles and how they are applied and actualised into the metacogition of your own microcosm.

Suggestions and solutions?

How about discourse on the metaphysics of mystic, magick, the mind and the method to mend the mundane world into a manifestation where a symbiotic system of mutually beneficial prosperity, peace, collaboration, creation & harmony can be lived on a daily basis?

How about solutions and sitting with your own shadow in the darkness to see your flaws.

how they only give me a free pass to watch the shit show. when push comes to shove and patterns that are seen in your behaviour, cyclically, are the key that unlocks the truth of anyone’s hidden motivation.

Why is deception and destruction never noted by the deceived, unless someone like me comes to break the wall of ignorance to say “hey this is the truth and it hurts and looks vile but fucking wake up”. No I don’t like the ripple impact this has but at the same time I am aw woman of strength. I will stand up for the real, authentic and genuine truth and speak my mind.

I don’t sugar coat this bullshit.

Nor will I indulge it.

Let alone be a person who lets it seep it’s tendrils into my life and what I love.

Not ever. Never.

As someone wise once said “despair ends, tactics begin”

You cannot claim any authentic path without putting your soul, blood and spirit to the test of facing your demons, slaying the darkness. I am not sure that comes with what I and others see these action and behaviour presenting to be.

I rarely write things like this, and only want to address this because i walk on a path of “rose and thorn”. My thorn will eventually slay whatever is a threat, a charlatan or a sheep in wolves clothing. By accident. Because what you are lacking is always looking to attack, I am always having to protect and defend my life from the evil.

I see you. I know the hidden hand x64. I am always open to forgiving people if they are sincere but will play reflection of the adverse if passive people are coming to what to me, is a beautiful and amazing thing, and to be acting as agents of sabotage? Shame on your lack of soul, and it’s lack of seeking to steal, stain and shit all over the things of substance, spirituality and sincerity will always be seen when I am the seer seeing the undertones.

So where is the moral compass?

Find yourself, and then you can find something real that is yours to be into and love. Maybe even this. But to fuck with what is real, while being fake, and following orders, is by far, fence sitting and fraudulent, insidious & infantile activity. Why not spend time looking inside to see why you are following this order from who for what? What is your genuine purpose? Soul mission? Higher self ? Or are you all still stuck in the love is the law is the law love under the will of the guy who wrote a book last century.

Fucking even Crowley lived his great work, and he has flaws and did things many would dispute to be “evil”. But he didn’t copy another clone from 100 years prior, following the mantra that someone else made up. That’s the stupid thing, the whole “do what thou wilt” was not do what you want but that is not a strong point for the sheep of the worst. I know as I see both sides, and as a child in the 90s I saw the dark, evil and insidious. To see that again, here, 3 decades later, playing coy but really carrying rancid intent.. is my call to commune what many will never see, because you all are complicit, and tell these fucking lies and divert productive progress by your stupid discourse. These people LOVE senseless debating. Semantics. Solutions, self awareness or seek a soul inside the empty cavern that the black lodge will set inside your sadistic serpentine, slimy soul.

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365days365movies · 4 years ago

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March 7, 2021: Onward (2020) (Part One)

Finding Nemo.

That’s my favorite Pixar film. Real talk, no arguments, and today’s movie? NOT dethroning it. This movie is so hard-wired into my brain, that the second I typed the words of the title, the theme song ran through my head, where it lives rent-free. It will be a cold day when I don’t find an excuse to shout “NEMOOOO!!!! I HAVE TO FIND MY SON!!” at any opportune moment. I will never stop swimming. Whenever I catch a Chinchou or Lanturn in a Pokémon game, I name it “Goodfeeling’sgone”.

SHARK BAIT OOH HA HA

YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE DEPTHS OF MY LOVE FOR THIS MOVIE.

...Ahem. So, yeah, I love FInding Nemo. For the record, the sequel ain’t bad. And also for the record, there’s only one Pixar movie that I consider to be bad, and it’s the one you’d think. You know, the one about ageism. The one where somebody dies by torture? The bad spy movie?

...the second one about cars?

Which means, YES. I DON’T THINK The Good Dinosaur IS THAT BAD! Not exactly good, but its gorgeous, and just kinda boring, not outright terrible. That Styracosaurus, though...that dude is great.

Anyway, off of Pixar for a sec, huh? What about fantasy? I’m a big tabletop RPG nerd, and I’m currently the GM for a Pathfinder campaign, a Pokémon RPG, and a Mutants and Masterminds game, while also playing in a Pathfinder game as well. Yeah, I’m a busy dewd. But what I’m saying is, this movie should be preaching to the choir for me. I’m a Pixar lover who plays RPGs. I’m ready for this. I’m ready for CGI Bright. Which is another way of saying, I’m ready for a version of Bright that doesn’t suck.

So, why haven’t I seen it until now? I mean...COVID-19. This film got FUCKED. But, no matter! It’s on Disney Plus, I’ve got Disney Plus, so let’s get this baby STARTED! Let’s get updated on some Pixar! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap (1/2)

OK, immediately digging the soundtrack over the Disney logo as we jump in here! Very ethereal, very fantasy, very LotR, I LIKE it, I LIKE it! And then...long ago, the world was full of wonder!

We get a view of the world of olde, with magic and many mystical, mythical creatures living together and adventuring. However, as magic wasn’t the easiest thing in the world to use, it eventually gave way to technology, fading away in a world now very similar to ours.

Basically, it’s about the same as our world, except for a few different races, and the fact that dragons are basically dogs, and unicorns are basically raccoons, which is fuckin’ fantastic.

We enter the home of teenage elf Ian Lightfoot (Tom Holland) and introverted now-16-year-old who lives with his mother, Laurel (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) and his older brother Barley (Chris Pratt). Barley’s a tabletop RPG nerd who’s also a fan of the magical past. Said obsessions cause a strain on his relationship with Ian, and with that of his mother’s boyfriend, centaur policeman Colt Bronco (Mel Rodriguez).

After a discussion about Barley’s recent attempt to protect an old magical monument from destruction, he accidentally damages the sweatshirt that Ian is wearing, which was owned by their late father, Wilder. Ian rushes out, flustered, despite Barley’s attempts to bond with him. Well, looks like we have a sense of the plot for this one.

On his way to school, Barley stops to get some food when he meets Gaxton (Wilmer Valderrama), an old college friend of his father’s. From Gaxton, he learns things about his father that he never knew, like that he was bold and standout. From there, Barely pledges to try and be more self-confident, like his father.

Whiiiiiiich, doesn’t exactly work once he gets to school. He fails to stand-up to a jerky guy at school, he fails in his driving class, and he fails to ask other high school kids to his birthday party. But to be fair, Barley helps a bit with that last one when he shows up with Guinevere, his busted-ass van with a unicorn painted on the side. Which is supposed to be uncool...but I kinda dig it, not gonna lie.

After that, Ian completely flubs the invitation bit, confusing the people he was talking to, and disappointing himself in the process. He gets a ride home with Barley, and goes home to talk to a tape recording of his dad. Which is...beautifully sad, and somehow very easy to identify with. So, yeah, it’s gonna be that kind of Pixar movie.

Ian talks to his mom about his father at his age, asking if he was ever unsure. She says yes, but couples this with a surprise: a gift from his late father, who died of a terminal illness shortly after Ian’s birth. The gift is for both Ian and Barley, and was meant to be opened when they were both over 16.

She gets it from the attic, and they unwrap it, where it’s revealed to be a wizard’s staff. Which is weird, because Wilder was an accountant. In a pocket of the wrapping cloth, there’s a letter written by Wilder with the narration from the beginning of the film (that “Long ago” bit).

Also included is a spell, written by Wilder so that he could see who his sons grew up to be. This “Visitation Spell” would appear to be a way to bring Wilder back for 24 hours. Barley, being the magic-lover that he is, tries multiple times to cast the spell with the staff, but fails to do so, much to his and Ian’s great disappointment.

However, when Ian tries to read the spell out of curiosity later, the staff begins to react, and the spell begins to work. Barley comes in as this is happening, and the spell works...halfway. It starts to fail, and Barley offers to help, but Ian pulls the staff away, and the spell stops as the Phoenix crystal inside it shatters.

Looks like another bust, but it’s not a complete failure. And if you’ve seen literally any trailer for this movie, you know what happens.

Although it’s just his legs and feet, it’s still Wilden Lightfoot (Kyle Bornheimer...technically). The boys decide to try and complete the spell, but need another Phoenix Gem to do so. According to Barley’s “historically accurate” TTRPG, Quests of Lore, they will be able to find one by accepting a quest from the place where all quests start: the Manticore’s Tavern. And so, the quest begins!

The brothers and their half-dad board Guinevere and drive to the Manticore’s Tavern. On the way, Barley convinces Ian to practice some spells from the games rulebook, but they don’t work because Ian’s not invoking his passion (or his “heart’s fire”, as Barley calls it). Meanwhile, Laurel figures out where they’re headed, but doesn’t know exactly why...yet.

After the journey, they make it to the Manticore’s Tavern, which is now essentially a themed Chuck E. Cheese’s restaurant, owned and managed by Corey (Octavia Spencer), a very overworked manticore. Which is pretty great, not gonna lie.

They try to get the actual map to the Phoenix’s Gem from her in order to conjure their Dad, but she no longer sends adventurers on dangerous quests, mostly because she doesn’t want to get sued by any injured adventurers. When Ian argues with her about this, she IMMEDIATELY DIVES INTO AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS/MID LIFE CRISIS!

It’s, uh...it’s kind of amazing. Having completely lost it at this point, she basically tears down the entire building with her bare hands and fire-breath. Unfortunately, the map to the Phoenix Gem is burnt in the process of Corey’s literal meltdown. However, as Wilden’s about to be crushed by a couple of falling beams, Ian taps into his heart’s fire.

Nice. They get out of there, and head out for the Gem, using a child’s placemat replica of the real map to make their way to a place called Raven’s Point. However, rather than just follow the goddamn map, Barley decides to go on much more dangerous road known as the “Path of Peril”, once again following the “call of adventure” and his gut.

Which...yeah, Barley’s not really considering the reality of this whole situation, which fits his personality. He’s a dreamer, despite the rational and reasonable solution in front of him. And, in case you weren’t sure, I’m pretty sure that isn’t a good thing.

Ian points out the correct point that what actually matters is that they send enough time with their father, and they do indeed take the straightforward path. Good! Barley listened to Ian’s suggestion after all. However, they hit another snag when the car breaks down, completely out of gas. Problem.

Meanwhile, Laurel makes her way to the Manticore’s place, only to find it on fire! She meets Corey, who tells her that she’s met her boys, and told them about everything...except the curse. Also, there’s a curse. Laurel, who is the best movie Mom ever, tricks a policeman interviewing Corey to diverting his attention away from her, and smuggles her into her car to help find (and maybe rescue) her sons.

Stuck off the freeway without gas, a desperate Ian asks Barley if there are any spells that can get them more gas. They concoct a plan involving a shrinking and growing spell, but that immediately goes wrong as Barley tries to instruct Ian, only frustrating him further, and causing him to fumble the spell and hit Barley with it, making him tiny.

They decide to head to a gas station, where a group of pixie bikers has just arrived. This backfires when Barley, lacking basically any common sense, ends up insulting the biker leader, Dewdrop (Grey Griffin) and her ancestors. Nice one, Barley. As they escape from the pissed off pixies, the tiny Barley is unable to drive, forcing the driver’s anxiety-riddled Ian to drive, overcoming his fears from earlier by force, being chased by the pixies all the way. It’s a pretty good sequence, to be honest.

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Well, they escape the Pixies...but not the cops. And I think that’ll be a good place to pick up in the next part! See you there!

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fairycosmos · 4 years ago

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tell me why i took 12 xanax pills (prescribed by doctor so they're supposed to b the real thing i wish they were laced so i could die lmao) and i didnt even get a lil dizzy. what a bitch gotta do to SLEEP or CALM DOWN. do u know if there's something stronger than this ??? should i try heroin

:(( please call an ambulance if you start feeling like you might pass out, if you vomit or if your heart starts beating really fast/ you have chest pain, please. self destruction won't solve anything. and man i cant express to you how much you should not do heroin. even if you were joking, i can't take it that way because it's impossible for me to even laugh at the hypothetical idea. seeking it out is like prematurely agreeing to years of a type of pain beyond what you've experienced so far. which has already been bad enough, right? look, even if the pills don't knock you out, abusing them is just going to lead to a hellish addiction and irreversible organ failure. you wont be able to feel physically ok without them, and you can forget about sleep or peace of mind if it gets to that point. those things will escape you even more so, if you develop a dependency. and i know you probably don't care, but now is the time to act like you do, or to try to - while you still have the choice. you're more than the way you see yourself, and you deserve to be loved. it's okay to go through phases of loneliness, it doesn't mean it's permanent or that there's something wrong with you. it's not ok to throw your whole life away because of it. you are capable of so much. and i'm not referring to making something out of yourself in the capitalist sense. i mean you are capable of experiencing so much, and living a life that has joy in it, due to the things and the people that you love. that version of your existence is not as far away as it seems. i think when we're in a bad place we automatically assume the future is going to be the same because we're trying to mentally prepare ourselves for what's coming, like a flinch before being hit. but nothing is set in stone, and right now you have the opportunity to make the positive decision to recognize that you're not thinking properly and to do what you can to seek the help you need. even if it's the last thing in the world you actually WANT to do. you can't ever escape reality properly and every attempt worsens the actuality of the present moment when you actually come back to it. i'm sorry you can't sleep, i know it's a fucking nightmare. sometimes i just lie down for hours and breathe and pretend that counts. i really think it'd be a good idea for you to talk to your doctor about what's going on to see if they can offer you some actual resources beyond medication. speaking to a professional and actually working with them to challenge what's going on in your head WILL make a difference, even if it's a process. learning the underlying cause of why you feel the way you do + learning how to implement positive coping mechanisms into your life is a more sustainable solution than any drug. once you're sleeping regularly again, once you're confronting your own mind, your perspective will change as it has many times before. and you'll be so glad you did something good for yourself while you still had the chance to. once that chance is gone, it is gone. seriously, it's alright if it takes the rest of your life to learn to live with this pain, as long as there's a consistent attempt made. and if money is a concern, maybe you could call a mental health or addiction hotline so they can advise you on where to go next, or look into support groups in your area, or online ones at the min due to the pandemic? my point is you're not trapped, not like your brain is telling you you are. nor are you in this alone. i promise, you have options. idk what happened to get you to the point where you don't care about your own well being, and i won't pretend to. but the fact remains that you are a wonderful person and you deserve to create a stable environment for yourself. your self hatred doesn't change that. it could be that you don't want to hear any of this and that it doesn't really register with you, but whatever you do now, you can always come back to this and actually consider it when you're ready. when you're tired. your life doesn't have to end for you to change from one state of being to the next, you know? anyway this is getting too long, but please try to take care of yourself and don't fuck around with something that is going to cause nothing but agony in your life AND the lives of those around you. it's quite literally not worth it. sending so much love your way.

https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

#tw suicide #tw drugs #tw addiction #long post #anon

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struwwelzeter · 4 years ago

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So I read your reply to Nyarisu's comment on Lionheart and I'm really intrigued by your comments about how people understand punk compared to what it was initially. Could I possibly ask you to expand on this? Pretty please?

Yes you could! This is a very (very?) personal point of view and I know a lot of people will disagree, but here goes nothing, I guess. If you disagree with me (and somebody will), that’s fine, but I will not engage with anything that’s not a constructively put argument. I’ve spend too much time thinking about this for a “I don’t like what you’re saying and that’s why you’re wrong” anon to change my mind. Just putting that out there - with love 💜.

The thing is, especially on tumblr but I think just in generally aswell, the idea of punk is presented as this ... Robin Hood kind of thing. Beat the system, stand up to bullies, live your own truth, all of that, but it always is presented as something that is supposed to come from a ... dare I say, nice place? Like those pictures of people in studded and sprayed leather jackets rescuing puppies. All of that, you know? And I don’t want to say that is wrong, because it isn’t, and I love the idea of that, it’s just not the entire truth.

Especially in the early to mid 70s, when arguably punk started, there was a lot of fatigue between an old and stuffy establishment and the lovey, dovey peace and love “let’s all be happy” movement of the hippie scene. I was at Force Attack in 2006, which is a punk festival (and possibly dirtiest place in the world) that got established in the early 90s and went on til 2008 (?), and even then some of the “death to hippies” sentiments ran pretty deep. And I know the counter argument to that will be a well meaning “well, that’s not real punk,” the problem is that I think it actually partly is. (Please keep the partly in mind for the rest of this argument.)

The problem with having the exact choice between “get a good job, built a nice house, think of what the neighbours will say, and don’t ask me about what I did in the war” and “we’re all a big part of one human family, and isn’t nature beautiful, lets all make peace, and btw we would have never done what our parents did” is that both models aren’t a sustainable life style for everyone. That’s why you get alot of people saying this is all fake bullshit, and they start being purposely offensive. This is why you get alot of Swastikas around the sex pistols, you get all these artists singing about suicide and incest and rape. It’s not that uncommon for some of those early acts to play with Nazi imagery, or claim that homosexuality is disgusting (despite the scene always being full of LGBTQ+ people), or idk, thinking it’s fun to piss on someone while they’re asleep. It’s alot of outcry, of saying life actually is this shitty and disgusting and I am gonna be that because in a way you will hate me either way. And it’s not always nice. Disdain and hate and petty selfishness are common human emotions and many of them are low and unhealthy, and honestly not nice or helpful or inclusive, but they are there, and I think alot of that early spirit was just about stopping to pretend that they don’t exist.

I think a reason for why we don’t think of the scene that way anymore is that many people very quickly outgrew that, and said “actually, we’re better than that, that’s not who we actually are. I sadly can’t find that interview right now, but Die Ärzte are actually a good exemple of that and they even admit it themselves, that there was a sense of “enough with the happy hippie bullshit, let’s disgust them” and then later going “uhmm - maybe that went a bit far.” I mean offensive or not, but ultimately a scene that is centered around artistic expression always ends with that question of creation, maybe like “if the world isn’t like what we want it to be, how do we make one we like?” - and then you end up with having to come up with answers that are more than just destruction. And then it turns into something else - something that I think is alot more like what tumblr seems to think punk is. And that’s a wonderful thing. Still - a side of punk, whatever that is, has always been what people like GG Allin (please read the wiki for context) have taken and pushed to the limits, and it just - isn’t nice. And here is where things get a bit tricky.

Because against that backdrop, things like John Lydon (Johnny Rotten) suddenly being a dirty old Trump supporter aren’t that surprising anymore. And then you get these 20 year olds “cancelling” the Sex Pistols, and I think there is just a bit of ... missing the point going on. I’ve read a comment on here recently, that basically said something like Richard should stop supporting the Sex Pistols (because he has that album in the back of the studio), and it’s just ... asking for a history to be erased that has rightfully been made obsolete but has still happened and was necessary at the time. You can take any of these early bands and pick their lyrics apart and find something that from our perspective now is disgusting, mean, exclusive, or outright racist. Songs about Fucking? Part of that record is a mysogynisy shitshow, something they were very aware of even at the time, and they still did it anyway because being disgusting was part of the point. The thing is though, the Sex Pistols were hugely influential, and alot of the positive things that grew out of that wouldn’t have been possible if kids like young Richard, or any of the bands you love that were influenced by them, wouldn’t have gotten that moment of “finally a place where I can put all of my petty hate”. It matters, and just because that moment is overcome, it doesn’t mean it should be forgotten, or stops existing in the people that lived through it.

I understand that the question of how much we should justify things with “it was the time” and how we deal with the result is an ever ongoing debate and their are many good arguments for why maybe we shouldn’t try to defend the wrongs of the past that way, and I want to point out that while I rarely agree on that in the first place (because I understand history as a natural learning curve where people aren’t perfect at the first try and it’s doing a disservice to humans just doing their best, but I digress and that’s a bit of another duscussion), I want to point out that I don’t want to defend anyone, rather I want to say “actually, being that horrible was often calculated, part of the point, and if you don’t like it, just leave it, fight it or debate it, but don’t pretend like it was a “missstep” or just a few black sheep of a scene that was never as nice or perfect as you want it to be.” You don’t get to erase half of a movement simply because you wish it wouldn’t exist the way it does - or well. I guess in this case mostly did - past tense.

The ugliness is part of the story to me, and it’s actually the bigger part of why I love this scene. I don’t need “punk” to define my politics, I need it to soothe my soul, and so did many, I think. The Sex Pistols breaking happened 20 years before my time, but I still feel connected to that world, and in particular the ugly parts of it. I often feel like I look at the world, and there are people that seem honestly shocked by the idea that maybe sometimes I find doing the right thing really hard, that I want petty, self serving revenge, that I don’t find it easy to not be selfish and unkind or sometimes want to hurt people because I am hurting myself and see an opportunity to do that. Obviously those aren’t nice things and I don’t want to be that way, but are you honestly telling me you don’t feel that? I find that hard to believe, and it leaves me with an ongoing question of if I am just worse than most people or if most people are just more fake. Both scenarios are equally shit. The ugly side of punk provides - not an answer to that - but maybe a partial solution, at least for me.

Another discussion we have all the time is about how what we consume or allow in artistic expression is influencing how we act as people in real life and how we want the world to be. Where do we draw the line? What is still ok? If I put me entertaining ideas about murder on a canvas, is that still good? what if it’s racism? What if it’s rape? We argue alot about how providing a safe space in art for those feelings is actually preventing us from acting on it in real life, how it’s an outlet of something we would never actually want or do, but then where is the limit to that? I am putting this intentionally controversial, but if we admit that most of us grow up with internalized racism and mysogyny, by that logic, why can’t I paint something that is blatantly hateful if I have those feelings? Maybe that is my way of fighting it, you don’t have to look at it? Not saying that’s what I am doing or would want to do, but what if? For some people Rammstein singing about not wanting to be Angels is crossing that line, for some of us that line is drawn alot later. Who is right? Isn’t that just personal sensitivity? Can you honestly rationalise that? Isn’t it just processing our different levels of petty hate in different ways? I don’t have the answers to any of that, it’s just questions I often have and that I think have to do with this, because alot of the nasty bits in punk will justify it exactly that way, as artistic expression. Alot of it isn’t as political as this scene is made out to be, it’s simply asking those things. I personally relate to that alot, as someone who arguably would draw the line of “we should stop doing this” in art very, very, very late - and certainly later than my own personal comfort zone.

I’m not sure if any of this makes any sense at all. I hope it does - and if it doesn’t it’s probably because I don’t know either, or because I don’t want to fully blow this up into an essay (sorry, too late?) or because I suck at making a point, or maybe because we simply disagree. All I know is that I sometimes see these posts of “what is punk and what isn’t” and it leaves me with this taste of “you’re describing a utopia and it’s cute and I want that too, but it’s not everything punk as I know it is, and it feels like you don’t want to see something that mattered too - even if it was brutal and disgusting.” And everytime I see it I feel alien, like something that mattered to me so much as a teenager and young adult gets taken away from me and made into something so sleek and pretty it becomes something unattainable to be that I simply don’t manage to live up to in the way I would like. I guess that is a petty, selfish way of looking at it too.

«It's a repressive society where you can't be horrible, I'm not horrible, they made me horrible, I'm just honest.»

- John Lydon

#sorry for this getting out of hand

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truthbehindthemysteries · 4 years ago

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⛧ Tʜᴇ Oɴᴇ Tʜᴀᴛ Gᴏᴛ Aᴡᴀʏ ⛧

Tenth Doctor x Reader Summary: It was hard to trust people as you had reason to regret doing so in the past, so when you let those rare people in : it's a special thing. Unfortunately your love for a mad man in a blue box would lead to your demise. If only you had known what you never would now.... Perhaps there could have been a happier ending instead. Warnings: none, i don't think. A/N: this came to mind a little bit ago and i couldn't just not write it; I hope anyone enjoys reading this! Theme Song: Arcade by Duncan Lawrence.

It had gone on for so long, it was hard to pinpoint where it started. Life deals anyone with troubles and you have certainly gone through a fair few on your own, growing up fast having to be an adult when you were still a kid doing the mischievous, fun but carefree things without any responsibilities for yourself aside from going to school, basic self-care and doing chores assigned to you. First, it had started with people taking advantage of your kindness, using it against you to wrap you around their finger only for them to stab you in the back in the end. You always gave too many chances, having developed such a heart of gold, it would be a rare treasure itself. People have lied to you, hid things from you, manipulated you, used you for their own gain. They made you trust them enough to be open with them and feel close only to rip off that internal band-aid you put on to protect yourself from the traumas you have gone through. Like pouring salt in a wound, they made you regret showing a side of yourself to someone who didn't have a care in the world.

At different stages, at first, you were confused and in denial. No one wants to admit to being 'weak': Everyone wants to put up the front that they are some strong and fierce person but everyone has a gentle side. It's always the quiet ones you got to watch out for. Even the people you loved and thought you knew, can surprise you. Luckily for you, you managed to find very few real ones along the years after you moved out of your hometown, got a job, even went to college, and started working on yourself. So when you had found yourself in an undeniably strange event, leading you to meet the Doctor & Rose Tyler? You found the life, the kind of home, and happiness you had never felt elsewhere. From the moment you and them spoke, interacted with each other, when they grabbed your hand and you all ran together. Things changed forever from that day, giving you the best memories of your life. If only you had known what it would lead to. Would you have turned the other way and never let yourself cross their path or would things remain unchanged. You had formed a close friendship with Rose - finding her to be a lively, loveable girl with a passion for life, adventure, love, and passion. Being close in age to her, you two were practically tied at the hip. It would not make sense to not be considering you both traveled with a two-hearted alien who travels through all of time and space. Speaking of said man.... You glanced over at him as he spoke with Yvonne Hartmen, the currently leader of the organization known as Torchwood. You had went along with him and Jackie as he questioned the woman on everything involving the Ghost Rift. Eyes wisful, you played with your hands as you followed them, being quiet due to your thoughts. Being one who has trust issues, it was definitely hard when it came to love. What a word right? How could you properly describe such a strong intense emotion that you feel for someone? To you? it was that smile on their face they gain despite the hardships they have gone through because they are strong enough to overcome them. It's them being the first thought as you wake up and the last one you have before you go to sleep. It's like a breath of fresh air that makes you feel more alive than the normal breaths you take because the ones you took before were before finding your other half, the one meant for you. Like a soul twin split in half trying to find the other, having done so and feeling a sense of home in that other person. That wherever they go, you go. It was everything in you feeling at peace as if 'Hey there you are, I've been waiting for you. My soulmate, my missing piece, my other half, my true love, you're the one' . It was all the secret jokes, the meaningful looks, it was all those hugs and the longing stares. It was all the smiles and the laughs. It was picking each other back up at their falls, their troubles, their struggles, their weak moments. Always supporting, trying to understand and the mutual respect. It was dancing at early hours in the morning in each other's arms, not needing any music. It's that immediate no hesitation, full determination kind of actions and the loving words when they are threated or are in danger. It's there is nothing you wouldn't do for them. You two would go through not just the great, good, and the amazing but the bad, the horrible, and the sad together bc you would rather go through all of it together than not experience the happiness together and go through the struggles alone. It's having a hand to hold, always knowing that they are there for you, even if you dont want to admit it. Your companion. You chuckled quietly to yourself, running your tongue over your bottom lip. Technically you are the Doctor's companion, not the other way around. But.... you think as your eyes trail over his figure in that suit with the brown overcoat. You so badly wished you could be more but you're not surprised that nothing has seemingly changed. The Doctor for all their flaws but the attractive qualities they hold {looks are just a bonus to you: its everything else that matters.} They could have anyone, all of people in time and others of similar and different species in space at their pleasure to engage with, why would they ever possibly want a human girl from Planet Earth with issues due to the toxic way her life had grown to be, trying to fight through it to become your own person away from all that. Since being swept up together in the blue box, you and Rose had grown to love and care about the timelord. You two had made your choice a long time ago: After everything the Doctor has so far seen, heard, went through: everything he has done? He had for however long a time, do it all alone. But he didn't have to anymore, he had you two. Though.... your eyes dim as sadness sweeps over your features, making sure to have them disappear, unaware of the timelord in focus would watch you out the corner of his eyes from time to time. He and Rose are close: They HAD to have something going on which was why you always kept your mouth shut, feeling like the third wheel trapped in your thoughts because you didn't want to ruin anything. Maybe one day, you should let all you feel out and maybe just maybe, you would gain the strength to move on and accept the beauty of everything you did have. At least he was in your life, he could not be at all? In him and in Rose, you found home. You found friendship and love, you found another family. A real genuine one that included a certain immortal captain and a brilliant childhood friend and boyfriend of Rose's. Thinking back on the Doctor, you couldn't help but smile, warmth and light showing through your eyes and heart starting to flutter. From the chocolate brown hue of those eyes, so deep and soulful that you could drown in their depths. You love his eyes: They held so much knowledge, love for life, adventure and passion, loss and pain, but wisdom as well. From the soft spiky hair you wish you could run your hands through to the sharp jawline and those lips. That dorky frame that he covered in suits and a brown overcoat. From the way he gobbed: Ramnling on and on about different planets, histories, cultures, historical people and other alien species, to alien technology and his Tardis, and that was just a f e w to mention. YOu adored his intelligence, you too could relate on having a thirst to learn and explore. But then with the dorkiness and the physical charm came his hearts. They were hearts of gold they are. After all, he had double the heart and from the way he tried to live the majority of his life: Never be cruel or cowardly, Never give in and always be kind. He loves and cares with so much, it's to an unthinkable extent. You knew how unbearable the pain of losing Gallifrey was, he refused to ever even talk about it. But he trusted you and Rose, you got to see a side of him that no one else saw. You wished you could do anything to take that pain away but you can only do so much. You hope it's enough.. =============================================================================================================== Things had gone from 0 to infinity really quick. At one point, the Doctor was challenging Yvonne and suddenly all the Ghosts across the world had transformed into being what they really were: using the weakness of humanity in the form and feeling of their lost loved ones into being much darker: Cybermen. That wasn't even the worst of it, however. Locked away in Torchwood was a sphere of strange existence, coming from timelord origin, storing countless Daleks. The very comical looking monsters who equally have caused a reputation of horror to anyone who crossed their path. From the sounds coming off from 'Delete' to "Exterminate", the rolling of the pepper looking pots to the harsh deliberate stomps of the metal men, you along with Rose Tyler, Mickey Smith, and the others from Pete's world tried to stop the invading forces from wiping out and causing destruction to humanity. In the action of it all, including going back and forth between worlds, you and Rose showing your loyalty and decision to the Doctor, stopping the Daleks AND the Cybermen, trying to make sure anyone and everyone was saved and protected as much as possible: The Doctor had found a solution. Magna Clamps in his hands that once put against something could hold immense weight as if it were nothing. You, your fellow human friend, and the alien would hold on tight for dear life to not be sucked into the other world, due to the particles you three were practically soaked in due to time/space traveling. In their own ways of screaming, all the Daleks were ripped from where they had each been, droves and droves of them being sucked out of your world from whence they came, the Cybermen following after them which would no longer post a threat to the world they had been inhabiting for dark intent. Suddenly, your heart sunk. The system was malfunctioning, going to go offline for the Magna clamp that Rose was clinging onto. "Hold on, don't let go!", The Doctor yelled, holding on the seperate side way from you two girls. You struggled, dropping one hand to get Rose's back on so she could fully hold on once more, You and her both had a knuckle whitening death grip on the clamps, refusing to be ripped away from the one you two loved and cared about with everything to give. "I got it Rose, it's back, Hold tight.", you said, the system turning back online once more. Inwardly taking a breath of relief. Rose smiled, her nerves starting to calm as she shared a smile with you. THat was close. Meanwhile, the Doctor stared at both of you, his eyes never breaking contact, refusing to. He would never make you two go back on a choice made though he would have understood. Nerves shot by everything that was going on today, if he lost either of you? He feared how he would be to that. YOu and him shared a nod. Suddenly, the thing went back offline again and it was getting much harder to hold on. No.. NO, this couldn't be happening. Rose tried before you could to get it back online again but you both could see she was struggling. Your heart pattering away like a machine gun, you slowly looked from her to the Doctor, thoughts running wild and madly in your head. You didn't want to lose Rose, if she fell through then you and the alien would never be able to see her again an you couldn't go through that, the alien couldn't either, not another loss. Eyes welling up with tears, an idea that would break you came into your head. A sigh came out your lips, cracking which made it harder to breathe. The world didn't need you, it would be okay without you: It couldn't lose the Doctor either, they both needed each other, not you. The world needed the timelord. Making the heartbreaking decision, you dropped your hand and put it over Rose's on the clamp. Her eyes immediately shot towards you, frowning and knowing you were going to help as she struggled for dear life.. A sad internal cry, makes all of you. "It's okay, you're going to be okay Rosie.. Trust me?" Her eyes start to widen in realization, the Doctor starting to look confused and his hearts started to beat painfully in his chest. What was going on? Rose shared a look with you that lasted, "Please don't do this, no- stop it! Don't you dare! no!-" but with great force while trying to be careful, you had her hands tightly onto the clamps you had been held onto, your hands going where hers had been,. on her clamps... Breaths turning shakier and tears spill down your cheeks, you give a look towards the Doctor, eyes showing what you could no longer hide: love, pain, unspoken apologies.,... Tears welling up in his eyes and head shaking as he held on, You smiled sadly at him once more, no longer having the strength to hold. You wish things could have been different, you thought as you fell weightlessly away, like floating on a bed of waterm you felt so light. The Doctor's hearts broke, the tears spilling down his cheeks and pain evident in his eyes as he held on. So badly he wanted to fall so he could be with you.. No, he was the Doctor, he could fix this. He had to, Please... Mouth wording silently 'i love you.' as you looked at him and Rose, especially him one last time , your whole life flashing before your eyes before Mickey caught you on the other side. Being able to let go of the clamps now that they were safe, the Doctor, ran full force right at the barrier, trying to get to you but knowing he couldnt. Hitting the wall with such force from his chest, he groaned from the impact but he didn't stop. He kicked, he punched and he screamed. How dare the universe give him something as wonderful as you after all his life has been,. torturing him with a life that could have been then rip you away from him as if it were some cruel harsh joke? NO, this was a joke it had to be. In the background on the floor with her hands on the flat surface, Rose cried brokenly for you, wishing what she felt was you instead. She had literally ran from everything she had ever known, putting her life literally at the mercy of a two hearted alien with an imposibble travel craft , born from a different planet. It had always been you and her, two human girls from Planet Earth, close in age and relating to much. You two were practically family, No.. you are, ... you two were. Why would you do this? How could you do this? "Please.. don't just.. please, come back to us.. give her back... Dont leave him.. don't leave me.", she choked the words out, her voice cracking and making it hard to speak from the pain in her voice, vision blurring from the steam of tears. By this point, the Doctor's hands were bloody, knuckles bruised and scabbed, the blood showing on the clear white wall seperating them and you from each other. "THIS. IS. NOT. FAIR! I won't accept this.. you give her back to me Universe. YOU GIVE HER BACK TO ME RIGHT NOW DAMN IT...", he hits the wall, taking deep breaths as tears fall down his cheeks. Stupid timelord: Opening your hearts to a human girl who you would have lost at some point anyway. Did you really expect to have her forever. If only you had admitted your feelings sooner, perhaps things could have went differently. "please.. you promised me always and forever. We swore that to each other: You, Me and Rose. through the glories and madness of everything together, it was us three. Come back to me, please.. i can't lose you.. i-", he crumples to the floor, leaning his head against the wall and hand to, looking where his hand and the wall met, wishing he was with you. Perhaps it wouldnt be so bad. Of all people he had to hopelessly, crazily and madly, head and hearts and soul over heels, irrevocably stolen by you: You had such an effect on him and now you would never k know. Know how much he loves you, how much he cares, how he wishes he could have kept you for his own: A rare coveted treasure that not even he felt he deserved but felt lucky to be in the life of. "Please.. please don't leave me.. Everyone i ever lost, my planet, my people and my home. All the horrors i have seen, you were my sunlight through all this darkness. You saw good in me when all i saw was darkness. You were my sun, my light. You were my conscious and my sounding board. You saw the deepest vulnerable parts of me and in you: i developed the courage to finally start to heal on my own for myself. You always got under my skin, branding us as one.. I wish we could have been. I.." he takes a deep breath, unaware you were on the other side, your hand where his was. "I love you.. I love you so much and it's killing me. This is hurting me so bad inside and i hate it. I don't want to feel anything. If i had never met you, i know i never needed you in my life but its been happier since you been in it. My hearts living and walking, breathing and being outside this old body. You never gave up on me or abandoned me. YOu gave me a chance when you could have ran a w a y instead. I love you, i love you with everything that makes me, me. My hearts have been stolen as they have been waiting for you long before i ever met you and since knowing you, that will never change. I am and will forever be yours." Why did the Universe have to be so cruel? Why give you?/Why give him if it was just going to be lost? People shouldnt have to be happy BECAUSE they would be sad later on. Call it cheesy or whatever but there shouldn't be sadness or pain at all: Why couldn't there just be good? Of course, rational thoughts and sense rule out in the end: There must always be a balance. As the Doctor opened the floodgates of everything he felt for you, Rose realized painfully in the background why you did it which the Doctor included in what he said: YOu sacrificed yourself for her because you thought she was more deserving to have stayed, that he loved her and not you, that the world would be better off, ; That was so far from the truth that it wasn't even an idea to be entertained. At the same time on your end in Pete's world, Jackie and Pete Tyler as well as Mickey Smith watched as you broke before them, sad in their own ways of losing Rose, the home they always known for a parallel one and for you, unable to help. You however didn't fight against the wall, trying to get back to the man you love literally a world apart. You just lied sideways against the wall, hand where the Doctor's was, crying brokenly as your body wracked in shakes. "I only ever imagined what my life could have been if i never met you.. I wouldn't have found so many beautiful friendships, i wouldn't have fallen completely in love with you: I wouldn't have seen everything this universe has to offer. I wouldn't hold all the wonderful memories i only have left but to cherish now. I love you.. I wish i had been strong enough to tell you.. I'm so sorry, but you couldn't lose her. You two needed each other but you'll be okay, we all have to be." You fought to get the words out: Your heart, your soul, your brain, the feelings in your fists and your legs to fight through this pain and say NO it wouldn't control you or your life, You will have that life with the man you love that you both deserve... However, trying to open a gap once more would only have disastrous consequences and you were far from selfish. You should have been in this. "Thank for the beautiful memories. Thank you for bringing such love and life to one that had been lacking it for years: You brought me out of that pain, that brokeness, that darkness and showed me how amazing life can be. A great way to live your life for yourself, to be as brave and smart and fierce to make your own legacy, your own destiny. To take life by the reigns and fight for yourself, to fight for those who can't protect themselves. Thank you for giving me you: I wish things could have been different." You weren't going to ramble on and on what was obvious as you cried your heart out for a person that you would never see or hear from again. Mickey slowly wrapped his arms around you, encircling you in his embrace, giving you comfort and warmth. You turned your head to bury it in his chest as you held him tightly by the shoulders with your arms in between his, sobs racking through your body as he rubbed your back. He didn't care that you fought against him, that you cried and got his clothing wet, didn't care that you held him so tight that it could hurt. He was hurting too. Rose's family was suffering. "I'm here, i promise.. Things are going to be okay, i'm here. I'm not going anywhere." You heard the words, also like a timelord? Not wanting to feel anything. You cried yourself hoarse until you couldn't produce more tears for that moment, "I love him Mickey.. I know it wasn't a smart idea with how he lives his life and i wouldn't be around forever but he didn't make it easy. Nothing was ever easy but it was worth every second. He is worth fighting for.. how can i even begin to let go." Being helped to your feet, your made to look at Mickey as he wiped your tears, Jackie joining him to smile sadly at you, taking your hand, "Together.. We'll help each other sweetheart.', Pain in your body was intense, making it breathe, You bit your lower lip as you nodded at them, at Pete behind them. Turning to look at the wall which seperated you from all that you ever known, vision went blurry from the tears that fell. Loving him was a losing game, wasn't it? Carrying the broken pieces to a new home you'd have to make, You could only hope that you and your broken heart would get stronger as time would heal the wounds. Meanwhile with the Doctor, he and Rose slowly left though ofc considering the feelings, it was impossibly hard too. Should have known, human girl and timeless child: It was a death sentence, the nails to a coffin or two when you two decided to give all you two had to give, nothing held back for each other. Stupid boy and girl, you should have known that broken hearts could be left from this. Losing pieces, trying to find a new home, afraid of whats to come, Loving each other was a losing game. Perhaps if love really was true, you two could find your way back to each other again because no matter the directions, the courses, the destination is always the same no matter how you get there and by the way of fighting for each other, you two could be what you both should have been.

#my doctor who fics #doctor who fics #tenth doctor #the doctor #rose tyler #doctor who: doomsday #doctor who #dw #doctor who: the one that got away #this hurts my heart #ngl i got sad writing it #but i hope anyone enjoys

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iwillgetridofyourangerforyou · 4 years ago

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Do you think that Genos's choice of cybernetics was a mistake?

Oh anon. I’m so glad you asked. I’ve been wanting to write about this for so long. You asking is giving me the motivation needed to put ‘pen to paper’ so to speak. I guarantee you that I have not expressed everything I think or feel about this subject but here’s a taste at least.

The short answer is:

I absolutely do not believe that Genos becoming a cyborg was a mistake.

Some key ideas in brief:

The ‘what’ hardly ever matters as much as the ‘why’. “What” Genos is doesn’t matter as long as his motivations align with his actions.

If you do what must with what you know while and learn more later how can you call that a mistake? It’s just the learning process. I think to say that Genos made a ‘mistake’ by becoming a cyborg gives the past too much credit when it’s really the present that needs to be focused on. I think he did what made sense at the time and to suggest that he’s totally fucked because he just tried to do his best is a really messed up place to take his character and that just doesn’t sit well with me.

Background

I’ve thought a LOT about this and I’m dying to know what ONE will tell us. I’ve made it pretty clear in a number of posts that I don’t think Genos Should have to get his body back in order to break his limiter and/or find fulfillment. In fact, I would really rather see a story where, for once, a cyborg being a cyborg isn’t a tragedy or a sacrifice.

That said, I’m actually a really big fan of the ‘fight to get one’s body back’ motif. I think it’s entirely heartwarming to see a character experience wholeness in every sense at the conclusion. If, like Hyakkimaru (dororo 2019), or Alphonse and Edward (FMA:B), Genos’ quest was about getting his body back (who knows maybe it is but that’s not what’s been presented so far), I would be all about that! If you can Stan a motif, that’s a motif I Stan hard. At the moment Genos’ quest is about being ‘strong enough’, and I don’t think that has anything to do with whether or not he has what material his physical body is made out from.

The Physicality of the question

There is a popular assertion that Genos *must* get his ‘real’ body back or he will never be able to break his limiter. I do actually think there is something to the symbolism of that argument (which I’ll get into later) but I find the entire argument disturbingly ablest.

What could possibly be the necessity of getting his physical body back? Being able to heal? Doubtful, unlike most mere mortals no one could ‘heal’ from most of the things Genos has experienced. He can, and does, regularly take risks and do things no ‘normal’ human could do. S-Class heroes ranked higher than him would never literally risk life and limb the way he does. Imagine, for a moment, if Genos started to protect and value his physical form and stop treating it as disposable? He is able to do much of his own superficial repairs. Without making as many reckless decisions Genos might drop in the rankings for a brief time but at the rate he learns he’ll be stronger than ever in no time. Sure he doesn’t have Saitama’s invulnerability-

BUT Speaking of Saitama’s invulnerability, Saitama’s strength and invulnerability LITERALLY defy all logic. So if breaking one’s limiter is so logic-defying , why then would it be logical for Genos to have a ‘normal’ body in order to break his limiter? What purpose would it serve precisely? It’s like someone took the work-out routine idea a bit too literally. Also even Garou, and Zombieman both show at different points that this world doesn’t follow the conventional rules of science. Even if Genos wasn’t just ‘more careful with his body’ I think the limits of his potential are not constrained by the physicality of his form. While battling EC Genos was able to literally pull himself together.

Even if the world did follow the laws of ‘science’ there are so many options from the more crude ‘replace and repair’ via drone perhaps? to the more sophisticated nano-tech options. But this isn’t really an argument about the semantics of HOW, the ‘how’ doesn’t matter.

The point is, I don’t see any reason why Genos would need to have a ‘normal’ human body, with all the normal limitations of a human body, in order to break his limiter. How does a flesh suit provide any advantage to a mech suit if you're just as human either way? I suspect that his limits are not physical but mental and that what Saitama told him in the beginning was shockingly on point.

The metaphysics of the question, IE what does being a cyborg represent

What I’m dying to know is what does ‘being a cyborg’ represent? How does ONE think of cyborgs?

There is an idea that when faced with the existential question of one's life, when faced with the reality that the construct one holds to growing up, is flawed, there are a few choices a person is likely to make. One of those choices would be to address the existential question head on and define meaning for oneself. Another, possibly more common, tactic is to jump from one flawed construct to another hoping to find one strong enough to allow the user of that construct to avoid dealing with existential reality. Some may argue that the harm to a soul caused by changing from one construct to another without addressing the issue is an irreversible damage. But is this how ONE thinks of Cyborgs? There is an uncomfortable possibility of that.

So far, we haven’t met many Cyborgs but both Genos and Webigaza seem to be avoiding addressing the root of their internal turmoil and suffering by attaching themselves to some highly specific and possibly unattainable externalized goal. Perhaps, being a cyborg represents a certain kind of self-destructive cognitive dissonance? but that’s not been unique to the experience of the cyborgs represented in OPM.

Obviously Genos’ limits are strongly internal, but are his cybernetic parts an expression of that internal conflict more than they are an aid to him? If so, what's the alternative? It seems like a pretty permanent change! But I’m unwilling to accept that a choice a person made for themselves with the information they had at the time could entirely ruin a person's chance at fulfillment later in life. I believe in unlimited growth. I know the process of learning and growing can be painful and can leave literal scars. But if you’re still alive, like Genos is, I believe you still have a chance.

So, if between now and the end of Genos’ arc ONE finds a way to clearly define why being a cyborg is inherently ‘wrong’ because of what it represents conceptually and how specifically getting a ‘normal’ body back solves that problem, maybe I can accept that Genos should get ‘normal body’. If getting Genos’ body back is integral to his personal fulfillment, I’ll accept a transformation like the one’s I’m so fond of in FMA:B and Dororo 2019.

But if I were ONE I’d tread lightly on this subject since there doesn’t seem to be as much set up as FMA:B and Dororo 2019. Wherein Both of those stories are explicitly about the character’s getting their bodies back and literally recovering themselves from the sacrifices that were made by them and/or with them. By contrast Genos' story hits much harder for me because he CHOSE to become a cyborg. We don’t know all the reasons why or how much of his ‘normal’ body remained when he asked Kuseno to help him and that would certainly answer some questions. In both Dororo 2019 and FMA:B the individual’s technological aids help the character’s rather than hold them back even while those aids cause pain and limitations. The cybernetics weren’t the problems these characters had to solve they were tools to help the characters solve their other issues that would allow them to restore themselves, they weren’t as linked to identity as they are for Genos. Genos who literally identifies as a ‘Cyborg for Justice.’ Asserting that Genos can’t be a Cyborg and achieve his goals doesn’t just darkly suggest that Genos’ capacity for fulfillment is irreversibly damaged by his decision making structure but it also invalidates his identity.

What Genos thinks

All that being said it doesn’t really matter what I think, it matters what Genos thinks. Big questions about life, identity, and one’s own body, can’t really be determined by other people. The important thing is, if Genos decides that becoming a cyborg was a mistake, then it was a mistake for him. I think at this point he’s terrified that becoming a cyborg was a mistake but it’s hard for me to see if that terror has settled into certainty or resignation.

I think if he has a certainty about that question it could give him some calm and clarity to help him make the next steps, after he goes through a grieving process. But I think if he’s resigned to the belief that he made a mistake it might indicate that he doesn’t really want to believe it was a mistake for him, he just believes that the mistake is that it limits him from achieving his goals, which is -in itself- a limiter which could be broken.

Frankly, I think Genos is wrong to assume that his cyborg body is the problem. Once again rejecting himself, assuming he’s the problem, and focusing on a possibly unsolvable external problem rather than strengthening his mind and working on his internal land-scape.

Expectations

Despite all of this, I have relatively low expectations. Somehow I expect ONE to write off being a cyborg as a character defect which, although solvable somehow (because ONE does like to provide solutions even if they’re tough ones) is a great sacrifice/tragedy. I do expect that somehow Genos will monsterfy (I doubt he looks so much like Ichigo’s hollow (Bleach) on accident after all) and I would not at all be surprised if this transformation provided him with a new body of some kind, who knows maybe merging flesh and cybernetics to be truly biomechanical (wouldn’t that be something after all?) I expect that Genos will somehow be able to recover and at the end of his arc there will be a path forward and I expect that path forward will be a difficult but achievable one. I am genuinely looking forward to the conclusion, even though I am somewhat expected to be disappointed.

Conclusion

Genos absolutely doesn’t need a fucking flesh suit to be an hero, to be happy, to be functional member of society, or to be whatever he wants. He can be whatever the fuck he wants. If he wants to be a Cyborg he should be able to be a Cyborg and be happy! But ONE may be using cybernetics as a cautionary tale against emotional/psychological crutches, in which case it would make some degree of sense that ONE would choose to give Genos a stupid flesh suit. And even though I won’t even be mad I will be disappointed.

>:(

Anyway, that’s my ‘hot take’.

Feel free to ask any follow up questions!

#asks #ask #anon #long ass post #Genos #meta #webigaza #demon cyborg #identity #being human #I will continue to stew over this for weeks I promise you #uhg #Seriously #I have some thoughts #I hope you didn't regret asking #omg

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