#whatever. i have the tools to get myself out of this. probably. i'm gonna fucking try

[forcebookish]

now these three years were funny and all but can i have my late twenties back

[whorbidmore]

okay, so, I've fallen victim to the leon kennedy brainrot steadily overtaking me, following me from Tumblr to Pinterest, to Instagram and even the absolutely fucking dreaded application of TikTok. I don't even use it that often??? and the algorithm is just like 'wow, yeah, this little fuckers gay as hell send in the 40 year old meow meow!!' and having watched Death Island fairly recently, I'm gonna have my opinions on what this dude would be like. Cus my brain loves to rationalize shit and think ab 'what if this mf was someone real?' so... fuck it.

Leon Soft Kennedy Headcanons

SFW

accidentally bigoted. - im sorry but let's be so fucking real here. he's a 40 something year old man who spent the majority of his life in either the military, a police training academy in the 90's, or otherwise working under the U.S Federal System with minimal/no time between missions to unpack absolutely everything he's got going on... the guys gonna have some problematic tendencies. Obviously that doesn't mean he means any of that or is incapable of change, etc. etc., but I know for damn certain this dude would laugh a little at Bill Burr's borderline to blatantly misogynistic material and has probably chuckled unironically at the attack helicopter jokes. But, he's not a complete dick, and would definitely become more critical of those kinds of jokes if it's pointed out to him.

honest to God, Dad Without Kids™ - it's not simply enough for me to leave it at 'but it's the vibes!!' so, I'm gonna break this shit down. Leon is absolutely Gen X incarnate. I can fucking guarantee you that on his off days he accidentally ends up dressing as an undercover cop; I'm talking cargo shorts, light blue button up, those fucking standard issue boots cus "they're perfectly good shoes" and those stupid ass sunglasses... you know the ones I'm talking about. Let's say you're living with him, right? And you're... you, and you wanna watch something on TV. This dude would strain himself getting up like a turtle fallen backwards on its shell, stand up, walk right in front of the TV screen and stand there with his hands on his hips. It doesn't matter that he had to piss, he needs to get a better look of what's happening! Does those really loud, obnoxious coughs and sneezes, absolutely blows his back out doing one at least five times a year.

Only watches British Reality TV - Considering he's canonically a film buff, I'll say that this is purely for whatever he gravitates towards on general streaming services. I honestly don't see him being the type to regularly tune in to standard American cable TV, or only does so under specific circumstances like American Ninja Warrior or maybe Forged in Fire if there's absolutely nothing else. It's not something that's exclusive to Americans, — I'm from New Zealand and I do this too, — but Leon absolutely falls into the category of watching British Reality and Game shows purely because of the accents. I'm talking Jeremy Kyle, The Big Fat Quiz of Everything, Taskmaster, The Great British Bake Off and so on and so forth. It doesn't matter that baking isn't his forté or a passion of his, if Josephine curdles her buttercream by over mixing, his hands are in his hair in utter disappointment. 100% tries to mimic their accents too. We all do it, don't lie.

Has... very dated music tastes - I don't know if you could guess, but the last paragraph included me calling myself out and name dropping some shows I watch anyway or grew up watching, and I'm just saying that this is gonna be no different. If anything? This'll be worse! Since I'm very passionate about the music I listen to and have the inability to keep my interests separated from the other, of course my love of particular bands will bleed over into my interpretation of Leon's character! Anyway, all that for me to say that Leon fucking LOVES 90's grunge musicians, specifically Pearl Jam and Soundgarden, as well as early nu metal bands like Korn (their dubstep phase did not happen.), TOOL, and Rage Against the Machine — and no, he unfortunately doesn't see the irony of him being a fed and listening to Rage, — but would also have a soft spot for psych rock, post-punk and shoegaze. My man's definitely laid awake at night, sobbing without expression as he struggles to accept that Ada never really wanted him like he wanted her while listening to fucking Slowdive. My hottest take here is that he doesn't really listen to Deftones. Like he'll occasionally blast My Own Summer, Change, Bored or Rosemary, but anything outside of those? He just didn't listen to 'em. My second hottest take is that he does NOT like Slipknot, which kind of pains me 'cus I do, but I fucking bet you this dude would actually adopt one piece of "Gen Z lingo" or whatever just call them cringe. Though admittedly he would've been jamming the fuck out to Psychosocial and The Devil in I when they came out. Went off the deep end in Vendetta, obviously, and drunk-cried himself to sleep on the couch listening to Linkin Park.

Very confusing spending habits - On one hand, we all understand that Leon came from money, — he was implied to have been born into a mob family from my understanding? And I doubt he'd ever really had to worry about being fully, irrevocably broke, — but I'm sure that growing up in the U.S Foster Care System made him at least a little more cautious of where his money comes from, where it's going, what he's spending it on, etc. So, on the one hand, he's apprehensive to spend recklessly, particularly on perishables. But also, if he can drop over $100,000USD on a motorcycle that got absolutely fucking cheese grated into the road, and spend a perceived, metric fuck ton of money on designer leather jackets and massive watches, it's gonna be hard for me to call him 'financially conscious'. On one hand, he gets apprehensive on spending more money than he needs to on food since he's "just gonna shit it out later", but if he sees a cool watch or a nice suit in a shop window? Money's suddenly not an issue! Not because he's materialistic, but because the one thing he really maintains a sense of control over in his life are his possessions and the way he dresses. The D.S.O can call him in for another months long mission whenever they please, and all he can realistically do is allow the government to tug on his leash and put him where he's needed. He may as well spend their money on things he wants!

Gets out... enough? But also, not really? - So, personally I've pegged Leon as more of an introverted person, — amateurly typed his MBTI as possibly ISFJ? — so he doesn't really feel the need to go out and meet new people or really hang out with anyone. If somebody invites him out? Sure, he'll go. Otherwise, it rarely occurs to him to meet up with friends or colleagues at a cafe or anywhere. I think he'd prefer to just go there alone, mostly for the sake of having somebody else cook for him as opposed to actively seeking out the atmosphere. It's pure convience in his mind. And remember when I said in the beginning about him accidentally being at least a little misogynistic? Yeah, that was me trying to say that he regularly tries to hit on younger waitresses. Not because he actually wants anything to do with them, but simply because it's an ego boost. He likes that he can make girls half his age blush or offer him their numbers, because it tells him that he's still desirable, and ultimately, that gives him the power to reject them politely and go about the rest of his day. If they don't reject him first, of course. Admittedly, Leon's audacity towards women peaked during Infinite Darkness.

Since I'm planning on posting more NSFW headcanons for this guy, — and more NSFW kinds of posts, — here is the obligatory Minors DNI attachment. For your own safety, I don't care if what I have to say is tame so far, you can hold it off I promise.

[ariaste]

hheeyy I am probably gonna buy your pirate book regardless, because it does sound wonderful, but just so I know what I'm getting my little ace brain into: the gizmodo article you linked described Brother Julian as having "a frankly inconvenient vow of celibacy" and i had terrible flashbacks of the way the dragon age 2 fandom talked about Sebastian so like. Does Julian *also* think his vow is inconvenient, or am I going to have to go in accepting that funny queer pirates who resolve things with polyamory is worth wincing through a few conversations where his suitors just Cannot Believe someone so hot doesn't want to fuck oh my we must save him from himself or. whatever the fuck. Again, i loved A Touch Of Gold And Iron so I do trust you, but I've had authors i trust suddenly and unthinkingly have their characters spout aphobic talking points before, so i just want a warning, i guess. Thank you and I promise this isn't intended as a judgement of any kind, just me making sure I'm taking care of myself

No worries! I have not seen any of the Dragon Age 2 discourse and I don't know who Sebastian is, but I think I can sort of glean from context what you mean.

The answer about Julian is a little spoilery for mostly worldbuilding and a bit of his character arc, but not plot. I'm gonna try to put it under a cut, but tumblr is broken sometimes, so if the cut does not work, I apologize to the general public.

Julian is a monk of the Vintish church, which is sort of "what if the Catholic church but make it The Enlightenment" -- their religion teaches that the pursuit of knowledge and Understanding is deeply holy and that the Emperor of Heaven filled the world with mysteries specifically because he wanted humanity to figure out his little puzzles. Monks of this church take vows not to give up all "sinful" things, but to give up the one thing that occupies their mind above all else and causes them to be distracted from the pursuit of knowledge. For some people that might be alcohol, or gambling, or an addiction, or wearing pretty clothes, or anger/resentment, or whatever. For Julian, that thing was sex. He is the most allosexual man who has ever lived. He LOVED sex. It was a source of pure joy and delight and fulfillment for him -- he's one of those people who can find something wonderful and attractive in pretty much everyone he meets.

There were some Urgent Circumstances fifteen years ago in his past where taking that vow was preferable to the alternative that would have happened if he hadn't taken it, so in that sense it was a tool that served a purpose -- it was at one point a deeply convenient way of saving his own ass. I also think it was an important lesson for Young Julian to realize that sometimes you have to make sacrifices and that sacrifices HURT.

However, whether he would say in hindsight now that it was inconvenient... I think he has mixed feelings. He's very good at nuance, Julian is, and so he recognizes that all his experiences have made him into the person who he is and that he has Learned and Grown and Gained Knowledge Of Himself, which he does sincerely believe is a holy and righteous thing -- he deeply values the journey that he has been on. But at the same time.... at his heart he's just a fun guy and secretly an absolute gremlin in his own ways, you know? And tools that were once useful and relevant do not always remain so. Hope that helps!! I am on the ace/demi spectrum myself, so I've got some irritating experiences of the ways that people write about ace characters and try to "fix" them -- this is definitely not that situation.

Also, just cause you mentioned you're ace -- FYI there isn't any on-page sex in the book, just lots of dumb sex jokes and flirting. :)

[firstprincehornyramblings]

Hello everyone! I'm getting a start early, by queueing this post for tomorrow morning, look at me go. Thank you who much to @tailsbeth-writes for the tag <3 I have ... 3 wips again, because I have no self control, so we're doing all of this under the cut, because it's gonna be long, and maybe a lil nsfw <3 LET'S GOOOOOOOO.

------ George Villier's inner dialogue during an Orgy (that's the working title on this, please bare with)

It wasn’t that George had always been this way, but an ascension into power had nurtured his hedonism prone nature. If he was to be blessed with the gift of beauty, he would take all the power and pleasure that came with it. He’d earned it after all, his bed of lovers, his social standing, influence, and wealth. Each a result of unsavory acts; but that made them so much more deserved, did it not? He could have anything he wanted, like a god among men, and so he should be worshipped the same. Though he was more than content with devotion in the form of flesh; he’d certainly used his own body as currency often enough. Even now, anything that wasn’t handed to him willingly, with a brush of lips, or a clandestine slip to knees, could become his. That in itself was testament to all he’d done, that his willing submission was as effective a bargaining tool as his power.

WATERSPORTS FIRSTPRINCE (aka, Alex is funny and Henry has a weak bladder)

“You… think it’s- what?” Henry choked out, “You think it’s hot that I pissed myself in the middle of our kitchen? Is that your idea of a joke?” “I-” the brunette could feel his own cheeks heating up now, “It’s not a joke, I do, I’m sorry, but I do,” he managed after a moment. “Oh,” the blond’s eyes shot straight down to the shorts Alex had on, falling on the visible hardness there, “Oh,” he repeated, but with much more understanding this time. There were still tears sparkling in the corners of his eyes, threatening to fall, but he was visibly less mortified, “Alex, that is so disgusting...” “I know, shit baby, I’m s-” “I can get into it.” “What?” “I said, I can get into it,” Henry repeated, “Well, honestly, I could probably get into anything that makes your cock hard, because- well frankly I reap the benefits of that. Would you like to fuck my throat?”

AND A NEW WIP, Hairstylist Henry and his least (read as favorite) Client Alex

“Alright, tilt your head back,” both of Henry’s hands rested on Alex’s temples, carefully moving the other man’s head into the perfect place, “Do you want me to stop under the jawline?” “Whatever you think looks best, sweetheart.” Normally, Henry would hate that, some businessman using a pet name on him. But usually it felt demeaning, when Alex did it, it felt genuine, perhaps that was why he didn't mind it. He would rather accept that than admit it might have something to do with how hot his cheeks felt or how his stomach flip flopped. Instead, he chose to focus on something else, like the familiar but luxurious scent becoming more evident the closer he was to Alex. “Santal 33?” the blond asked, running the trimmers over the other man’s jawline, making careful precise lines that would accentuate the sharp angles there. “Yeah,” impressively, Alex had answered that without much movement of his face; Henry was astonished. “Makes sense.” “What is that supposed to mean?” this time, the brunette moved, but he did have the mind to wait until Henry was running the trimers along his throat with less chance of Alex’s jolt messing up something. “It means you look like someone who has good taste, don’t move.” “You’re worse than a dentist,” Alex grumbled. “Stop moving, christ you’re an absolute menace, I’m going to slice your throat open.” “With an electric trimmer?” “I’m certain if I make enough effort, I just may be able to pull it off,” Henry snapped.

OKAY, that was a long one, if you stuck around thank u I love u. TAG LINE UP!!!!

@taste-thewaste @eusuntgratie @henrysfox @thighzp

@softboynick @catdadacd @sheepywritesfics @henryspearl

@basil-bird @caressthosecheekbones @henfox @onthewaytosomewhere + literally anyone else I'm sleepy and forgot, or anyone who sees this and wants to tag me, I love reading yall's stuff. <3

[autisticlalna]

"You Were Right" (and a behind the scenes on how we got here)

initially i was gonna make a post going over all of Anathra's lore so far but then i realized i do not quite have the spoons for it, and also i'd like to break it up into easier to cover parts anyway. so let's jump straight into the most recent mystery!

i've already talked before about the hidden messages in Rubyco's videos, and about the split-second easter eggs in Viking's. encrypted messages aren't exactly new to Skyblock Kingdoms.

but, okay, let's rewind a little. it's 1 am, a couple days before Anathra's episode 8 premieres. i'm winding down for bed, see the premiere on my homepage, and go: hey! i wonder what Anathra's doing next episode!

hey what the fuck is that. why is there elder furthark

a bit of backstory on me: i love translating things. you probably know this by now. i also knew a guy who was big into norse mythology stuff, and that included him knowing elder furthark. so i immediately peg that as "oh, shit, that's elder furthark" and track down a translation tool.

("why are you going into backstory" we'll get to that. lol lmao.)

anyway, its 1 am, i run it through the first tool i find, and get:

someþiŋ ' weird ' happened

...or "something weird happened".

COOL. THAT'S OMINOUS.

i go to bed. when i wake up, Moxi has shared something from Anathra's discord:

...but i can't figure out what it translates to.

timeskip to the premiere.

Anathra gets a delivery from the End Kingdom after helping Josh out with villager stuff. he goes to place the shulker down, it's suddenly nighttime, and...

hey, what

iou were right

...okay, here's where we loop back to that backstory bit, and also i pull back the curtain to showcase how hilariously bad this went for the dnerds.

i recognized the alphabet as elder furthark

(and yet my dyslexic ass doesnt realize theres two rs in it until now. it has been 5 years.)

trying to translate the box name gave me gibberish ("io nht tuil")

i also knew from the "something weird happened" message that elder furthark isnt 1:1 with the english alphabet

oops there are two translator tools. oops they use different runes for "y"

due to [gestures at cherry and doak], there is a minor scuffle about if it says "you" or if it actually IS supposed to say "iou"

we still cant translate the box

still cant translate the discord message either. this is about to be really funny

people in the sbkcd are also translating it, so we compare notes

anathra steps in to save us:

THANK YOU ANATHRA <3

i am immediately embarrassed because, oops, turns out Angerthas (dwarven runs from Lord of the Rings) has alphabet overlap with elder furthark, so that's where the confusion came from. seeing as it's a post-filming decision, that does mean that the episode description and chat message were translated correctly, but the box is in Angerthas and, despite having the same runes, they do not correspond to the same english letters.

i spend a bit alternating between bonking myself for my mistake and bonking my very tired head against Angerthas for a bit until WhiteQry suggests that maybe what Anathra said in chat is the same thing. later, Aquelon is able to translate it as "IU WER RAIT". or,

YOU WERE RIGHT

...right about what?

skipping back to the events of the episode: Anathra realizes that he's lost time. he says he's only felt this "once before", doesn't know what the writing is, and is generally thrown off by... whatever just happened.

i need to rewatch Anathra's pov before i can dig into what i think the message means-- my initial guess is that it has something to do with his ?nightmare? from episode 5, although im not sure past that. considering his pov plays with the concept of the fourth wall a bit as-is, the message also might not be for Anathra (and he can't read it with glasses on either way).

Anathra's in the middle of something. there's a lot going on with him, inside and outside, and i really want to do more overviews of his lore because it's very fun. until then, keep an eye out for more strange messages i guess.

-

"hey leo you didn't translate the furthark in the 'glasses off' message, what gives" WELL, YOU SEE. I WAS TOO BUSY BEING EMBARRASSED AT THE TIME TO PROCESS IT. AND IT WASNT UNTIL WRITING THIS POST AND GETTING THAT SCREENSHOT THAT I SAW IT AND WENT "wait. hold on" AND RAN IT THROUGH THE TRANSLATOR.

AND THEN REALIZED, AFTER FOUR DAYS, THAT ITS THE URL OF THE SITE IM USING TO TRANSLATE THIS AND IT JUST GOT KINDA MANGLED BECAUSE OF THE "NOT 1:1 WITH ENGLISH ALPHABET" THING.

im in hysterics. how did this happen. please dont ever think im professional. all of these super cool in-depth explainer posts are the end result of so much clownery but i needed to show you guys just how much of a MESS this is lmao

[ramblingsfromthytruly]

getting shit together~

day 1/50 productivity challenge

26/august/2024 - monday

no school today so yay! i don't really have anything urgent to "catch up" on but i've fallen severely behind on my own study plan. considering i don't go to any extra tuition/coaching, i need to be disciplined in my time management and hold myself accountable to the reasonable plans i made for myself. i'm not in too deep though so all i need to do now is get back on track.

🕒 10:00 a.m.

morning skincare

extended duolingo streak

cleaned out email + photo gallery

practiced playing keyboard

enough is enough with my procrastination towards studying. i mean i even watch study motivation videos on youtube instead of studying! so i just made a cup of coffee and dived straight into work.

studied psychology ch-1: what is psychology?

something to say: the ncert psychology textbook is actual nonsense. thank god for my teacher, he actually explains each concept mentioned in the textbook and so much more. if it wasn't for his classes, i don't think i would have understood literally anything in the textbook. the fact that he's most probably leaving next year is kinda making me anxious because what if the next teacher is absolute shit. this is a subject that involves lots of theory and long lectures. my current teacher is very animated in his discussions and he also involves us students too. it's never a boring class. but if the next teacher is boring i will literally start hating the class, and i don't want that to happen considering i love this subject and am actually planning on pursuing it in the future.

also akjsdfhkjashgdjkg sigmund freud, that man, istg, is gonna haunt me for the rest of my life.

it really grates on my skin if my room is dusty. and that easy annoyance combined with being a maximalist who loves trinkets is not a good combination. the universe decided to make me a walking contradiction, in many areas of my life. i make it a thing to clean my room at least once every week.

cleaned my room

did a workout video (when the workout leaves you sore>>>)

i like to do the dusty and sweaty work before taking bath so that i feel clean for the rest of the day. also thank fuck my periods ended yesterday, i hate them so much ugh i never even want to be pregnant.

took bath

prepared for seminar for psychology

basically us students have to learn the 6th chapter and "teach" it to the teacher. since we're only 3 students, our teacher told us to divide the topics amongst ourselves. we're supposed to start tomorrow but my topic is probably not tomorrow since i'm doing the second part of three. i still want to start preparing. presentations always make me nervous but i know that if i'm prepared i don't do bad at all.

night skincare

🕒 12:30 a.m.

will probably get around 6 hours of sleep.

also, random warning/tip but don't trust the ai generated summary of answers that comes up first when you search anything on google. it just uses whatever phrases it can to make a coherent set of statements. but a lot of the time, it doesn't summarize correctly at all. click on the results of a legit website to at least quickly cross-check. do not take info solely from the ai tool.

[graylinesspam]

I’m still trying to define my asexuality for myself, and your posts have helped clear up that definition, I think. How did you come to defining your own? If you’re comfortable talking about it, no worries if not

Honestly, i am very uninterested in strict definitions. Instead of making things overly complicated by trying to define exactly what it means to me, I have oversimplified. Asexuality is non or very little sexual attraction.

I don't see the need for making it any more complicated than that because I generally don't bother to explain myself or my sexuality to other people. I do so on this website purely because I've seen a lot of my fellow ace people, such as yourself, struggling especially in the wake of the acephobic wave that hit tumblr a few years back.

If you want to know about my personal experience trying to figure out what the fuck sexual attraction even is. I'm gonna be real, idek.

I have never in my life seen another person's physical body and thought, "yeah, that arouses me. I'd like to have sex with them".

In all reality i think sex might be a fun activity in the way that like smoking weed is a fun activity. It's stimulating to the senses and the hormones within my body. But that's it. I came to the conclusion that I am ace in part because it is very hard for me to conceptualize sex.

I either find myself thinking of it selfishly as a way for my own orgasms to be achieved. Or conversely as a way to do that for someone else. I have to center one person as the focus of sex when i think about it. Either i am getting or they are. The idea of sex as an activity that two people are engaging in together for intimacy is foreign to me. It seems more like a service being performed. Which i have come to realize is a very cold and sterile way of viewing it.

Even in the most romantic way of viewing it i still see it as just another act of service. I might bring someone pleasure in the same way I might make them coffee before they wakeup. Or cook for them. Or run an errand. Or buy them a gift. It's showing affection but the way i view it seems to be surface level to the way that others do.

I say that I am neutral to the topic of sex because I honestly don't care about it half as much as everyone else seems to. It's just a tool.

And because i don't experience attraction to people i don't experience the tolerance to them and the side effects of sex that other people do. There are no rose colored glasses. I don't like excessive bodily fluids. spit and sexual fluid doesn't become less gross. genitals don't become less weird. the concept of sticking your genitals together for stimulation doesn't become less bizarre. Some allosexual people talk about experiences where they're "brought out of it" or "icked out" basically turned off and suddenly bothered by the sexual process. Well I am never turned on by my partner and therefore am always kinda there.

Which isn't to say I can't enjoy sex. it's just that engaging with another person has so many caveats, and stipulations, and downsides that i find myself very unmotivated to engage with it.

I don't like that sex drive really just means libido, because I have plenty of libido, but I have basically no drive to actually engage in sex. I want to cum. end of story. Everything that gets in the way of that is just a complication.

And of course I feel like such a douche whenever I think something like that. Because it legitimately sounds like dialogue from a narcissistic male lady harassing character in a 90s sitcom.

which is why generally I just avoid it all together. There is something more to sex that a lot of people are looking for, a kind of connection , intimacy, and validation that I cannot provide them.

Whatever it is, I don't have it.

(The tone of this is very frustrated, which honestly, with this topic, currently, I am. But i don't mean to be discouraging. Your experience can be and probably is different from mine. And if it's not...at least we're in this boat together.)

[astudyinfreewill]

are you happy reaching your 30s? i'm scared for it

dear anon,

i’m so glad you asked.

the answer is, unequivocally, yes. i am happy reaching my 30s. first and foremost because the alternative is, well, not reaching them - which i don’t wish for anyone. in fact, i’m pretty stoked and a little proud of myself for making it this far.

however, i���ll let you in on a little secret: it’s not actually… very far at all. you wouldn’t believe the amount of people in their early 20s i meet who - intending to give me a compliment - will go “no way! but you don’t look 30!”. by which they mean, i don’t look like what they’ve been conditioned to imagine 30 looks like. by which they mean, i don’t look old. and yes, i do have excellent genes from my parents, but mostly, it’s because 30 is not old. shocking, i know. i don’t blame you for thinking it though - it’s a narrative that entertainment media love to push, especially on women. and it’s a narrative predicated on the fact that Old Is Bad, which in itself, is a lie. the amount of people who have come into their own in their 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, would probably surprise you. so, getting old is not bad, let’s put it out there. but more to the point at hand, the truth is 30 is not in fact old. 30 is, on average, not even halfway through your life - only a third in if you’re lucky. there’s so much more to come, i promise you, and i’m excited for it.

but i think you might have wanted to know something different, namely what i enjoy about being in my 30s. so i’ll come up with a little list for you, but with the caveat that this is only my own experience with being 30, and i don’t claim to speak for everyone - or anyone, really.

the main thing i enjoy about being in my 30s is, simply put, how many fewer fucks i give. i don’t really have an explanation for it - i’m a person who, by both nature and nurture, is prone to giving soooo many fucks. too many fucks. all the fucks. so it’s not like i’m suddenly blasé about things, but i have now been on the planet long enough to realise that, actually?, that thing i used to stress about is not in fact a big deal.

#adulting, am i right? oy vey, what a bother. well, by the time you reach 30, chances are you’ll have been at the adulting thing for long enough that it doesn’t seem quite so daunting anymore. laundry, groceries, paying bills, maybe even (gasp) taxes?? you got this. well, maybe you don’t got this got this, but you have the tools to get it.

honestly life gets so much more comfortable. i’m not talking about your body - you WILL wake up with a sore back for no good reason (but then again, my joints have been fucked since i was a teenager, so y’know, not much of a change for me). i’m talking about your lifestyle. you may still have flatmates - because let’s be real, having your own apartment in THIS economy is not easy - but you will presumably not have the rowdy, annoying flatmates that come with uni halls or dorms. you will also, with any luck, have spent your 20s figuring out your ~vibe, your style, call it whatever you want, so your nesting skills will be coming into your own.

by the time you’re 30, also, you’ll have spent enough time with yourself to understand yourself better; to know what you actually like and dislike, what matters to you, what you look for in friends and partners - all of which makes relationships vastly more satisfying.

i should say that in your 30s, quality comes over quantity. i’m not gonna lie, it is harder to both make friends and hit the dating scene - but that’s not because you’re any worse than you were before. in fact, it’s quite the opposite: people your age are both busier and more self assured than they used to be, and mostly, know what they’re after - so the pools may narrow, but chances are, the water temperature will be more to your liking. ok, so that metaphor ran away from me. what i’m saying is, there may be fewer opportunities to make new friends, but the friends you do have? they’re pretty much your second family.

you know what i said about giving fewer fucks and knowing what you like? this applies to social situations as well. you start to realise that your time and resources are valuable, and you shouldn’t pass them around like they’re infinite. your time is yours. if that acquaintance that you sort of dislike invites you out and you don’t feel like going? babe, just don’t go. if you reach that time of the night when one of your friends is like “let’s go on a pub crawl” and you decide you wanna be in bed watching netflix? you’ll just do that, without worrying that you’ll be the uncool one. more than that - your friend will ACTUALLY not think you’re uncool, because they get it. and if on the next night you decide you want to go to a club and dance until 4am? well, you’ll look gorgeous doing it, AND you now know what alcohol makes you the least hungover.

expendable income, oh my god. i realise this is a privilege and not taken for granted at all, but for me, going from a scholarship uni student with 3 different side hustles to make ends meet to full time employment was a game changer. and i’m not even talking about ~financial security - i’m talking about being able to get the shit you want, no matter how boring or childish it is. a fancy kitchen appliance to bake sourdough? you can get it. that sailor moon memorabilia that just came out, or that videogame your parents would never let you buy as a kid? you can get that, too.

because here’s another secret: you will still like all the silly things at 30 than you did at 20. i have it on good evidence that doesn’t change, which is why fandom ageism is simply bizarre. being in your 30s doesn’t mean you have to be serious and boring unless you want to. hell, i started playing two separate d&d campaigns after i turned 30, something i never had the confidence to do when i was in my 20s. this has actually happened to A LOT of people. you can still enjoy your hobbies! in fact you will be BETTER at them! and you get to pick new ones up!

one thing that may not be true for everyone but definitely was for me: you will start taking better care of yourself. i spent essentially all of my twenties struggling with anxiety, depression, and undiagnosed adhd. now, life doesn’t necessarily get easier as you get older - but you start to learn how to cope. i started getting therapy. i got put on medication, which helped me immensely - in fact i’m now tentatively beginning to get off of it because i feel like i’m more resilient, because medication helped me to get to a point where i got more control over my life and learned healthier habits. tv shows lied to us, babes - it’s not rebellious or edgy or cool to try to self-destruct yourself. be kind to yourself, because you’re the only you you’ve got.

a side note here: if you’re queer, this applies even more so. i have read so many articles about how lgbtq+ people go through some sort of delayed development, thanks to the ordeal of coming to terms with their sexuality/identity/various traumas. essentially, for a lot of queer people, your twenties are a second teen age, where you get to figure out who you are when you crawl out of your figurative cocoon. so your 30s are when you get to actually enjoy being a young, fully formed adult - and i promise you, it’s so, so worth it.

i’m gonna end it here before this turns into an essay, but i hope that this makes you less scared, anon! i promise you, it’s all onwards and upwards from here. excelsior! <3

[bluejaywalker10]

You know, something that really pisses me off is the concept of marginal profits or savings. Like gas for example. If I've got gas that might be ten cents cheaper a gallon than at another place, I've saved a whopping $1 every ten gallons. If I fill up once a week for a year, that adds up to $52 extra dollars I've been paying. But not buying the cheaper gas isn't going to make an extra $52 materialize in my bank account. $52 over a year isn't going to buy me insulin, or get me the extra $400 a month I need for rent. Even if I was really "foolish" with my money it doesn't make that much of a material difference. If I spark joy in myself buying deodorant and face wash that's more expensive, oh no! I bought some that was $16 for both, and if I got cheaper stuff I'd probably have them for $8. I go through them pretty slowly for whatever reason, so if I pay an extra $8 every six months I've "wasted" $16 over the year. Add it to the $52, I've wasted $68. $68 is the cost of a good grocery run, so I guess the reason why I wasn't eating for the rest of the year was because I didn't find cheaper gas and toiletries. That isn't gonna make me rent. Doing that for brand name groceries vs off-brand groceries, spending $20 a month for fun subscriptions, I did some quick math for me and that would be about $1,078 if I fucking quadrupled my numbers. $1,078. The cheapest rent in my area is MINIMUM $1,200 a month. But I guess I can't move out because my ARFID only lets me eat brand name Pop Tarts instead of the Kroger ones.

And don't get me STARTED on marginal profits with companies. I'm a repair technician for DeWALT Factory Service and there were seventeen late clock-ins at work last week. The production manager brought us into a meeting and said that if everyone's five minutes late every day for a year, that adds up to hours and days of lost work. I'm sorry, what? Because again, that's not time you're actually getting work done. I dunno about you but again those five minutes from each person don't actually materially add up to eight hours or whatever that someone was dicking around or late. They don't actually mean anything. All they mean is I get anxious and feel such incredible guilt when it's hard for me to get up in the morning, and my boss sees the same number of tools repaired on my production reports.

It's all bullshit and I'm so tired. The best budget in the world won't save someone from rising costs of living and the strictest tardy repercussions aren't going to make the damn numbers go up.

[sansloii]

@hhemeraa | send me a number

10. anons

Imma be real honest--i don't use anon much anymore. anything i send, i usually just... send as is. mostly because tumblr is weird and will eat things without explanation so it makes more sense to not use anon so i have the option of following up and be like "hey, i sent you an ask. did tumblr eat it?" if i need to. if you send it on anon... kinda defeats the purpose of anon if you have to ask about it ( thus revealing yourself ). i'm also of the belief that if i send something to you, i want you to know it was me :) it's probably very obvious anyway but still.

i don't mind getting anons though! sometimes, stuff has to be sent through anon ( such as asks from rp sideblogs and such ) so i keep it on for myself purely 'cause of that.

19. smut

when i started this blog waaay back in... 2016/2017 (it's one of those years) i was not at all confident in my ability to write it at all. it was one of those things where i was like "oh i can't write it well and it's gonna be on the dash and everyone will see it and judge me" or some shit like that. i didn't even write it on skype ( which i still had at the time ) or discord ( i think i had one in 2016 but barely used it ) and just kinda like... alluded to the fact that some spicy things had happen.

fast forward a couple years and meeting my lovely, lovely friends on this hellsite and now I don't care as much about the insecurities i had in the beginning because i realized we are all struggling with the same things. if it's not a generalized "what the fuck is anatomy?", it's "how many ways can i describe this body part that doesn't make me want to toss my laptop out a window" or "did i write that already? lemme go back and see if i did." or "i don't have enough adjectives in my vocabulary or mental brain power behind my eyes to intricately write muse a gave muse b a sloppy toppy."

we're all struggling. we're all trying to make our muses sexy. it's okay. we can struggle together!

i can totally understand if someone is not comfortable with writing it for a myriad of reasons and honestly, more power to you. do what makes you comfortable and i honestly don't care if someone does or doesn't write it. or chooses to just write it in dms with specific people. if that's more your speed, then fly down that highway.

29. blocking

as someone who is a former "blocking is mean. what if i hurt their feelings? i can just ignore it" type of person, i will tell you that the block button is your best friend. some of the weirdest/worst people i have ever met have come from this site and after being here for just under a decade and going from one blog to another and just... settling here? i have no patience for nonsense that really gets on my nerves. i am here to mow ass and eat hay and if you disturb that, you need to go

that isn't to say that i use it liberally or that my block list is a mile long, though. it's more that i know the block button is a tool the site provides for you in order not see anyone you don't want to see or don't want to have in your space. and so, i am going to use that tool when i see fit and so should you. i have people i don't like and don't want interacting with my posts. i'm sure someone somewhere doesn't like me and doesn't want me interacting with their posts. block button fixes all that.

i also use blacklists to reinforce this little wall i have up so me? I am a happy camper here. i have my bubble, my space, and i'm content with that.

the only time i can say where it really sucks is when... someone i'm actively talking to and thinking i'm getting along with blocks me. it hurts and i get a little sad about it... but again, they're well within their right to do that. whatever is going on in their head and caused that, however, is another complicated story that's between them and god unless they wanna talk about it.

[popontomarnie]

We're heading towards the end and I get some pieces of information from there and there, I get less brain rotted about DFF day by day and don't really care about pheejin so much (still love Copper and protect Jin though, hearts), so now I see this story as a whole. And I don't like it.

I'm not a professional script writer and have only a few fanfics on ao3, so, I'm the least qualified person. But as I always say when it comes to hockey games, if even I noticed it, it must be an obvious thing.

When pre-release trailer just came out, I was crying, screaming, throwing up for about a month. I still re-watch it every one in a while, because it's a beautiful thing and I could write a story based on it only.

But we've got what we've got and I have some questions and thoughts.

First, the evil five or whatever people call them. Throughout the flashback we see Jin not really getting along with Por, Tee and Top, who are, I personally believe, the original trio. Fans proposed that Fluke became friends with them because they used him for school, and I am all for this explanation. But Jin? The question is not why he became friends with them but rather why they became friends with him? I can only suggest that Por brought Jin into the company because rich kids (people in general) like to be surrounded by rich kids (people).

Another question is why Por attends this school? Why doesn't he attend blue pants private school like White and Phee? When I first thought about it, I explained it to myself that maybe Por's father wants to be this down-to-earth politician whose kid goes to a state school, but I don't think his mother would just allow it.

Also, as surprising it was for all of us that Por called out Keng, it is pretty reasonable for a politician's teenager son to know about sa and power harassment. At least it makes sense to me. Maybe his father had some scandals at his workplace and talked about it at home, idk. Just saying.

Second, Non's family. His parents in particular. I do understands that their behavior might be realistic, some people can act the same in real life, but we're talking about characters, and characters' actions usually have a narrative. So we have two neglectful towards Non parents. They don't love him, because he's not as good and hard-wordking as New, he dares to ask for money or whatever. And when the video is leaked they're ashamed of their son sleeping with a man, but don't even think about their son being groomed (and they know about his mental state, they must realize his son is vulnerable). They don't care about their son until he disappears. And what should we expect from a characters like this? That they probably gonna believe that Non run away with Keng and pretend they only have one son. But suddenly their focus shifts to Non, and this twist frustrates me so much. The parents are just plot tools, not characters, and it makes the audience even more fierce, but once you start analyzing?

I'm not sure about New's character, because for me there are some contradictions in him too. First of all, New, how the fuck could you not know about your mother's state? Okay, they didn't tell you bc they thought you were in England, but why didn't you send Phee to check on them or something?

Okay, this is the question I have for him as a person (who calls her mom every day) to another person. But to think about it in a context of a character? New just doesn't care so much? See, he get obsessed easily, first with his education, then with his revenge. And, yeah, as other people have already pointed, New does it all for himself, not for Non.

The problem that I have with DFF is that once you reach ship wars/wars with jin haters post clarity you come to realize how messy this story is. Hear me out.

I think there're too many characters. Yes. It could be Top who took and leaked the video. Why you make Jin do it if then you give no explanation of his actions (in the show, not by the actor) or don't even show some shift of his attitude towards Non if he's disappointed? Make him a jealous bully! Make him the reason Non loses it completely when the last person who's been nice to him becomes mean too. Or if Jin doesn't become the absolute antagonist, why don't you make at least one scene when Jin realizes he's fucked up? And if he's a manipulator as many believe, show his manipulative side! And if it's revealed he was not the one to leak the video, there will be even more questions. Again, I love Jin, I see so much potential for him, but at this point I think that Jin girlies developed his character much better that the writers.

I think it was possible to split Jin's character into two: Top and Fluke. Top takes the video. Fluke makes Non stay in the project as a fellow bullying victim.

And Phee's new love interest? Oh god, this boy could've lost his focus with anyone or anything. Send him into a university party life and he will forget Non just fine. Or make him fall in love with Tee, imagine how spicy it would be.

Anyway, my point and position when it comes to books, movies, shows is that if you don't/can't develop a character/plot line properly, don't do it at all. And this is exactly what happened with Jin; he's definitely not a secondary character like Top and Por (i mean their screen time and depth), but not main like Non, Tee, Phee or New either. He's stuck in this limbo, hated by almost everyone (and oh how funny it is that Copper started getting hate too, I though DFF fans were anti-bullying). Again, I love Jin, and I think about him just as I always think about things I love: you do it well or you don't corrupt it with your ass work at all (and BOC is usually guilty of this but don't let me start).

To conclude:

If I were given this idea, set of characters and asked to write a script (12 ep) I would go for an already proven method and make one episode per character from their perspective (other three for murder in the woods). Start with Top and Por' pov, then go to Fluke, then Phee, then Jin, then New, then Tee and White (not sure if Non's pov is better in the beginning or the end). Give each character a backstory, even Top who is literally just a guy (derogatory), show through his pov how the original five became friends and how stupid and evil teenagers can be.

P.S. My main suspicion is that writers created (poorly) some characters so BOC could establish their young actors, which, to put it respectfully, was a bad idea. What do you get in the end? Ship wars, actors being bullied, disappointment by both fans who want a revenge horror and fans who want a gray characters' story.

I hope I will be proven wrong and have to put on my clown wig again this week, but you should've seen me in January and see me now, the disappointment vibes are killing everything around me.

P.S.S. If White turns out to be Non but after surgery, my facepalm is gonna be so strong I'll have to go under face surgery myself. Non's face to White's face? He'd have to break his jaw and would not be able to move it for months, not saying that he'd probably have to wear braces!

[knowlessman]

the continuing adventures of gamzee homestuck and friends, uh… continue! (bnha s5e6-e11)

"be careful, young deku, your next fight is with shinso -" me, completely ignoring the plot relevance with one for all and whatnot: HELLYEAH -- bakugo: "hurry up and master that quirk so we can fight again! I've no patience for weak pokemon" or something. point being, big gold/silver rival vibes. pointbeingfuckbakugo

(iida's turn next) still kinda wished he'd gone with Emergency Exit. I forget if he went with Recipro, or if that's just what he calls his moves and he went with Ingenium for the hero name -- iida: "I was third place at the sports festival!" 'XDDDD that bit with hatsume's still funny whenever I think about it

I have absolutely no idea who Tetsutetsu's teammates are but this is fascinating

"kaibara's rotation is a technique where -- (granted, that's only funny to me) -- why is he also spinning his feet, tho? he'd just drill into the ground doing that. I guess it gives him an option if he wants to change lateral direction in a hurry

so… iida's mufflers are… teeth? the adult ones push the baby mufflers out? idfk go figure

but yeah, mudman's kinda neat

I thought fire was sposed to, y'know, melt metal. Also I'm pretty sure sudden temperature changes fuck it right up regardless.

beats me what Ojiro's done different that repels all the mud, but I guess I'm glad he got something else going for him. heck, even hagukure unlocked that flashbang move of hers; Tailman seems like he'd have a hard time not falling behind.

kinda surprised the show didn't punish Mudman for running away from a losing battle tbh

'XD poor todoroki suddenly sucked up all the flames and turned em into some kinda Spirit Bomb, then got a clonk on the head for his trouble

iida: "rescue is my first priority!" EMERGENCY. EXIT.

"it was a huge mistake leaving iida for later" god. dammit. show. what was he sposed to do, grab his ankles so goddamn sonic the speed demon could rip his arms off? -- ohhh, mudman is the guy who looks like a Bleach hollow. huh.

pony or whatever horn girl's name is: "I'll go higher than he can reach and see what happens" I mean. shoji's arms have kinda looked a bit like wings to me from the start… I dunno what I wanna bet that he can flap them hard enough to get lift, but I dunno if I'd bet much against it either -- not to tell on myself too much, but this is a real "me" strategy. I always find myself in positions where my only move is to put off losing in the hopes that a better idea shows up. one rarely does. (granted, I'm mostly thinking about MtG, and I guess I've gotten a bit better, but "more time for thinking" is still my first priority in most situations) -- (timer buzzed, is a draw) Shishida: "in a real fight, running away and waiting for rescue is a reasonable option." make up your damn mind show, are you American or a filthy commie

pretty sure iida had plenty of space to veer to the side and avoid the falling thingy, just saying

hmm, we got dark souls helmet and some random dark-haired girl they're hyping up vs bakugo and headphone jack. are they gonna play this one out as well, even tho the only lead in it is bakugo?

bakugo continues to do bakugo things, ie be an abusive liability on purpose and probably not get punished for it -- "I've gotten stronger too! I've figured out that I can use people as stepping stones, and it works better than only seeing them as obstacles! next I'll advance to realizing they have feelings, and can therefore be used as tools!"

"with unexpected teamwork (read, any teamwork at all), bakugo's team wins!" -- the annoying thing is, he still consistently acts like (and says, often explicitly) he's the only person who matters. nothing about bakugo's attitude or actions feels reconcilable with a person who could strategize in ways that allow their teammates to do anything, or even account for their presence. hell, seeing bakugo show capacity to strategize at all still feels weird. we saw him hand out those grenades to his teammates - people he constantly refers to as extras, people whose names he refuses to use - as if he thought they were competent enough, or worthy enough, to use them. bakugo gets the benefits of a mindset he is clearly portrayed as not having. -- bakugo is an rpg character whose player is a powergamer. the player is rp'ing as an abuser who can't see potential or worth in other people, and is also completely ignoring bakugo's personality whenever it would lead to suboptimal choices in combat. (does it count as an AU if it's literally the only possible explanation)

all might: "you have a good childhood friend" fuck off. one of the first things we saw bakugo do in this show was tell someone to kill themself and he hasn't improved in five seasons and two movies.

I would think team B would be talking more about who all they'll have Monoma copy. the character is aggravating to watch, but his ability ought to be affecting how people talk about matchups more. can't he copy enemies' quirks just as easily as allies'?

okay monoma's proving to be a bit of a nonbo with shinso's quirk. gonna be hard to get somebody to "answer" you if you never shut up long enough for them to do so.

hm. them black band thingies, I think they're called. -- ah, I was right about the adding in other peoples' quirks to one for all. …I think. pretty sure. six more though??? 'XD damn

you'd kinda think the teachers would have some way of communicating to the students whether a match was canceled when something unexpected happened. seemed to be like nobody was sure if that would be the case, then one person threw a punch and they're just all back in it again. not a very well-controlled situation, for a training exercise.

also… welp. guess I'm going five episodes in. gotta wrap this match up, eh? least I started earlier this time, and somehow got through the first few a bit faster than usual.

yeah yeah mineta, you're a garbage character with a deceptively-cool quirk, now kindly fuck off and let the likable characters back onscreen

eraserhead, apparently: "well, your quirk, like mine, is one that either ends a fight immediately or does nothing at all, so I guess you qualify for Remedial Spider-Man Training. we can't have you going out there without at least this"

k plotline wrapped, I can give it a rest now 'XD now I know shinso should be sticking around, or at least added to class B. these tournament arcs seem to go on forever sometimes but… new powers. strategies. character development at the same time (fine, fake/"informed" character development in bakugo's case). this is my shit.

[91vaults]

Ok I'm gonna lead with the sympathy...

Look I totally get feeling lost and a disappointed, feeling like you can't do anything and have nothing to offer. I get it. I've been there myself

and you found a fun hobby. I detest AI art for all the reasons but i get it people get something out of text prompting. If they didn't there wouldn't be such an influx of people getting into it. I've tried it, its a fun novelty (for like an hour or so) and getting what out of the bot gives you that dopamine hit. People think their prompts are a skill...whatever, you do you

BUT what you found was a shortcut. A shortcut to having and honing a skill. A shortcut that gave you a quick rush. You pumped out art and posted it and got the accolades and yeah that feels good.And holy shit you got offered a job and the temptation was too great to pass up. And you fucking lied.

If you were content with creating with AI you would have been upfront about it, but you weren't because it wasn't about making stuff with AI. You lied because you wanted to be a skilled "artist" without the work. Thats the difference between being an AI creator and using it as a shortcut

I can respect people who are open about the fact what they make is done with AI (even if I feel weird about the ethics of using it in the first place) but this is truly pathetic...and again I get it, but taking shortcuts like this or tracing and claiming it as ones own is never the way out of feeling like a failure. It only gives a quick rush and then you're found out...

and you just got found out

and you deserve to lose your job.

My advice in the future (I mean yeah she's not reading this but still) is to pick a goal and try to work towards it, and most importantly identify the issues holding you back and try to tackle those.

Because there is no shortcut to making it out of a rut. All the MLM's scammy "courses" run by grifters and pesudo inspirational "business" instagram accounts are evidence of this.

There's probably stuff they can do to weed this kind of thing out. Really scrutinize someones portfolio for a consistent style and other "tells" of AI art (which is still possible at this stage). Ask about their process and the tools they use, heck even request a live demo..which isn't great for artists and would only be employed by companies willing to go to the effort.

It will be very interesting to see if similar situations arise in the future. Companies will likely be perfectly happy to hire a "prompt engineer" but if they find they can't meet business needs then maybe after some time saying you use AI will be a major turn off

methinks the most realistic situation is companies wanting quality work will look for someone with an artistic background who also has experience with generation (the hot new thing!) the "skills" of a prompt engineer as they are now may not be sufficient

but hey, there's also plenty of places willing to pay extra cheap for "good enough" so we'll see,

this gives me unbridled joy

look at this idiot getting an actual job at a studio because of their AI generated images lmao while actual artists struggle for years to get seen let alone get work

and now they don't know what to do cos they're not an actual artist xD

this moron is getting exactly what they signed up for

edit to say for a moment i thought i should feel sorry for her but you know what? nah. she knew exactly what she was doing. she lied when she uploaded the images, she knew she was getting the job because she lied. and then she continued to lie even further. so no. not feeling sorry for a lazy stupid fraud getting caught in her lies.

i also question the competence of the studio people tbh cos how blind are they to not see her stuff was made by an AI?

[iatrophilosophos]

How do people just sleep. Like not get out of bed past your alarm or fall asleep during the day or whatever. How are people out here like "I cannot actually function without this basic need being met to a certain threshold so I'm going to meet that threshold"

Like. I've walked past all of the "hey, fucking, stop, eat, sleep, don't do the thing that's making you panic" alarms until I started having seizures about it and now I just have like. Absolutely no idea how to chose when to do something I don't want to and when it's gonna be a Bad Idea. Like I can more or less feel it when I'm coming up on the Total Shutdown threshold but summer experiences suggest if I push against that bar all the time it gets lower...AND ALSO I have genuine tendencies towards inaction that I don't like and aren't helpful to my self regulation either, writing off every bad day as "well I guess I just CANT" is not liberating to me because that day becomes several days, I don't eat, I don't exercise, I start chainsmoking and drinking 24/7 cuz I'm bored, and then I basically don't get out of it until I'm so miserable it flips to mania unless I have really serious irl support like people feeding me or at the very least someone around doing body doubling stuff

I feel like some answer to this is "maybe you just need a carer" but I'm gonna fucking ignore that one bc that's not a feasible relationship dynamic for me in the world I live in and I'd rather get fucked up sick myself than put myself and someone else in the kind of situations that I see caretaker relationships playing out in in my circles; like I've seen exactly zero good models for this shit. Probably I do need better skills for asking for help tho, I just don't actually know whst I need help with that's achievable. I'm tryina get a service dog in the next year or so but that's a Big project and I need like, several financial stability things to happen first--not like, normie levels of sinking thousands and thousands of dollars but I need to get thru some basic needs and then be doing slightly better on monthly bills than I am now to add a dependent while staying here and not having to go travel.

I mean generally the move right now is to just do my best with what I've got and just expect things to fluctuate a lot for the next several months, it's what I've been doing and it's helping and im making progress on all these questions and I think I'm doing an okay job at supporting my friends. I just don't want where I'm at capacity wise to be long term and I want to have better tools to roll with the fluctuations, even tho it's not ever gonna be sure or perfect I at least want to have a less terrifying time and feel less like I'm just reacting to emergency levels of Sick every time. Probably a lot of that is just emotional work but I still majorly lack skills relating to using material disability management tools and I would like more of those and more access to the couple tools that actually are more intuitive to me.

[yeahyeahwhateverrr]

ok, to get to the point, i have a huge problem with men that Is causing me a daily obstacle/actually hindering my life at this point. And i guess I'll talk about that, but I'd like to make a point first before anything, that even though there is an explanation for my actions, there is no justification whatsoever, never will be. Men deserve delicacy and kindness just like everyone else, even if they may or may not be bad. But if they're bad, obviously I'm gonna be a shithead. Like bad, bad. Not normal bad, nobody is always morally correct. Even though my own triggers with normal men over small things make me not trust them easily, so i try to suppress rage and resentment towards them. And it's just healthier to tackle that and just talk about it, not to them, unless it's necessary i guess? But at least to someone not involved that sees a different perspective and is able to help, and God knows i can't afford therapy right now lol. So that's a long ways ahead. I'm doing what i can with the tools i have, but they're obviously shit and work sometimes. "I" statements and DBT therapy wasn't enough ok lol. That's on me but obviously i need some more intervention there. Bc i get unbelievably fucking mad out of nowhere, not even bc of men. Idk, but anyways -

I have a lot to work on, and I'm gonna make mistakes, so i should probably withdraw for periods of time. (even though that's proven bad for me, bc then people find me having episodes where I'm crying uncontrollably and talking incoherently about a lot of shit and i cant remember those. Then I'm fucking embarrassed, like i don't even drink when those happen, like do i get sleep deprived...? Wtf) but maybe during those times, I'll have have to take here and there to avoid, so i can still do self introspection and coach myself somehow? Or ask people how they deal with that personally, something that at least shows I'm trying to make the effort to change for the better. But men absolutely deserve to be nurtured and loved just like anyone else, and to feel security. And they shouldn't have to shut out their own emotions, and they definitely need people to be patient with them bc obviously men are taught at a young age to bottle shit up/ignore it/it's whatever, you're a boy, etc whatever fucking bullshit. I was raised the same way, but that's besides the point, really? But men really do deserve to have their inner child healed and dealt with appropriately as well. Eventually I'll have to work my way up to therapy though, and work on that one super hard and see if i can break through it. Bc it's been my strongest barrier my whole life, when i shouldn't be holding my problems against certain people against all men. They're not all aggressors or monster, they're people just like me. And when i act and do things a certain way i make myself unsafe not only to men but others as well. And i want to acknowledge that and apologize for that sincerely for anyone I've hurt. An apology will not mend or fix that hurt, but i want to at least realize the pain I've caused + as well as apologize bc i feel remorse, not bc i don't want to get caught. But bc it's not being fair to others, it's not giving people a chance, and it's just really fucking unnecessary, quite frankly. So i am sorry for that, and i don't expect to be forgiven.

Now i will talk about my examples with men, but as i said, not a justification, but merely an explanation for my behaviors. My experiences in life with men, so at least there is some understanding there.

Was with dad and his friend downtown, i was maybe 13-15 range, we used to listen to music every Saturday downtown. My dad wasn't drinking, not specifying for anonymity reasons. His friend was. My dad was standing beside him, listening to the music, his friend was behind me, uncomfortable close as i was sitting down in those fabric lawn chairs. Just excited to be with my dad, and his friend started leaning forward, and i felt something hard against my neck, and maybe he was just having a hard time keeping himself up. But wouldn't it be soft? Like idk, how do dicks work, i could definitely feel that shit on my neck, and i remember freezing up when i realized. He's just a drunk though so that has to be it, but every other of my dad's friends didn't like me. And he was the only one that actually went out of his way to talk to me.

Was with my dad outside his apt at the same age range, while he was working on his motorcycle, dude came walking from the bar, stopped by to talk to my dad, kept looking at me, and was like, "you have a really beautiful daughters, i have daughters myself." And just kept staring at me the whole time. Mf looked like Lester off of GTA 5 i shit you not, just skinnier. my dad didn't really acknowledge him, and then the dude walked off, and my dad didn't tell me to go inside or anything, it was night and summer. He drove off to test his motorcycle at the time, leaving me outside. And i was feeling weird, so i locked the door and went upstairs, looking out the window on the main street we were on, and the dude was walking across the street slowly (like the other side this time, he was lingering for a while actually.) and looked up at me and didn't pull away his eyes.

My stepdad and his SIL were drinking one night, and i came out. I was the same age, i used to get hit on a lot as a teenager. (Surprisingly, I'm not conventionally attractive, but i was really, really skinny at the time) and his SIL who was and still is with his daughter, started calling me cute and picking at me. And started joking that he wanted to take me to McDonald's so he could get me a "big Mac". i may be Autistic, but i understand fucked up social cues when i hear them. I'm not that retarded, not saying anyone is, but i wish people wouldn't undermine me. Constantly. My stepdad was coaxing it on, and he actually opened up the garage, and his SIL was trying to get me to come outside with him, very insistent. It didn't feel like a joke anymore. He had his keys ready and everything and wanted "to just take me for a ride." (Same man that put a gun to my stepdads daughters head btw threatening to kill him and her) i was like NO. And kept saying it over and over, my stomach was definitely churning that night. Something felt wrong, i don't think he wouldve raped me, i don't think he's that vile, but i felt really aggressive bc my boundaries weren't being respected. If you don't listen to me, sorry but idgaf about your feelings at that point. Maybe I'm looking too much into these experiences

First ex (cheated on me, admitted to it later bc i wouldn't give him what he wanted) i was 14 and didn't care about sex. And it was my first relationship. When we eventually got back together like 2 years later ish, he wouldn't even talk to me, acknowledge me, brushed me off and would actually push me off of him. Completely cold. I cried and said i was gonna go home, and he said what are you gonna do? Walk all the way home to your dad and tell him where you were? So i stayed and i don't really want to talk about it, not traumatizing. Can't say it was, not going to insinuate or say anything there. He wasn't a bad guy, just high sex drive. Did he make me cry a lot that night and got actually vocally shitty at me for crying? Yes lol

Being flirted with at gas stations when my dad used to send me down to them, with money so he could get 2 liters and maybe some candy lol. That's definitely a lot less malicious, not so bad. Having a man whisper to you in your ear some nasty shit when you're literally at the register is a different story though. I was 16 lol. At least when i told him he backed tf off. He was like oh shit nvm. So a respectful gentleman for that at least, definitely not traumatizing, just a funny story now.

My friends uncle hitting on me and looking me up and down heavily when i was at her house, i was definitely not 18 yet. But he also really flirts with any woman, to be fair. She was uncomfortable as fuck too. I remember when i went home with her one day in high school, her brother and uncle both picked us up, nothing said weird about me. But were saying the high school girls were jail bait and. Yeah. That's not really traumatizing, just made me feel gross.

Obviously i also have trauma with women, i was molested as a kid. But that has no relation to this. I will not explain further than that, bc I'm not mad at who did it to me, does it hurt and make things awkward? Yes. Absolutely lol. But i will never put it against them.

Now i will explain things a little more, but this should absolutely be taken with a grain of salt, and just moreso weird experiences. I do not want to incriminate anyone, i do not want to point fingers or even insinuate anything. I'm fine, im cool, the brain is just a weird thing. i used to have dreams of having sex as a kid, even though I didn't know what that was. Only explanation i can think of is accidentally being exposed to porn, but i can't say for sure bc i was really small. Someone would be on top of me, my vision would be blurry/like looking through a fishbowl lens, couldn't see the person's face, so maybe even sleep paralysis. But I'd feel someone on top of me, and then the motions of missionary. I'd have no thoughts at first, like just the vision and looking up. And then it was like a melting, like i was slowly becoming aware, and then i started to feel a spike of adrenaline and slight panic (?) (Only way i know how to explain that, and then i blacked out. I would just black out.) I remembered that when i got older, and then when i first had sex ever, it reminded me of it. I was like woah, this is familiar. But i can't quite pin my feelings on it. I talked to my sister about it, she used to have the same dreams all the time apparently. But she thinks it was spiritual warfare/spirits raping us, but she was also really whacked out of her mind on meth at the time. She's clean, at least she says she is now. Then asked, "what happened to you child?" Idk bro but we talk about something else now lol idk. Nothing happened I'm fine, repressed memories aren't real. Repressed Emotions are, however. But memories can be falsified and made up. So it was just dreams. I'm fine, I'm ok. I'm fine. Did i get night terrors apparently as a teenager? Yeah haha, but i got a few of them at my dad's. My mom never said anything. My stepmom and dad were watching a movie one night, i was asleep already in my room, and she heard me screaming and crying, just screaming NO and STOP over and over, so she came to check up on me i guess, and was thrashing about looking like i was trying to fight someone off and sobbing hysterically while my eyes were wide open. My dad said he heard nothing, so idk lol. The next morning, had no idea, she confronted me quietly, and was like, did something happen to you? Like who hurt you? Like why are we getting really quiet? 😳🥹🥹 I definitely woke myself up to sobbing quite a few times, like really heavily. Feeling pain in my chest. But that's not night terrors. I remember another dream i had as a kid, where i was sitting on the floor in front of my mom, the living room was dim, only one light on that she was sitting beside. I was in front of her sitting on the floor, in my Dora onesie. And she told me to stay out of the darkness and stay away from the ghost. (? Lol this sounds so fucking cliche or made up sorry, it's just an uncomfortable dream so it's sat with me forever) and sure as fuck a ghost comes down the hallway towards me, picks me up, starts taking me down the hallway, and started to unzip my Dora onesie, and the ghost started to rub around my nipple in a circular motion, and walked me into My parents bedroom, which it was at the time. Now it's just my mom's. And has been. The bedroom was dramatically dark in my dream lol. I had the weird sex dreams and that one literally both when i was In elementary school still. Funny how the brain works, right?

My sister i was talking about earlier actually is getting night terrors to this day apparently, and she's older than me. If that's saying anything. But she was an actual victim of molestation and rape in the same house. I didn't know about the rape until way later. She doesn't like to sit in silence or be with her thoughts or anxiety. So she usually needed something to occupy her mind. So now she's literally on sedatives and hardcore meds. I don't blame her, life has been tough on her. I love her and care about her, and i worry about her everyday. I don't think she's doing anything bad, we just been through a lot of shit together. She is my best friend.

[askthefivefallen]

A: "I'm not gonna fade." *she wants to make a joke about Emily being so keen she keep control of her mouth but there's... a genuine, haunted look in the seraph's eyes that unnerves her. She figured Emily probably worried when she couldn't find Ass, when she didn't respond to her texts- which, fuck, now she's need a new phone again, Lefty was going to kill her- but she hadn't considered anything happened beyond that. She couldn't imagine what Emily had gone through over those few days* "I promise. I've got my ax back, I could always-"

I'm staying in the halo.

A: "The fuck do you mean you're staying in the halo!?" *her vision goes cross eyed as she tries glaring above her own head* "Em just said-"

I will communicate. I am not leaving the halo.

A: *she looks at Emily* "Give me a sec, I need Shamira to explain herself and I feel like she's going to make it hard." *her attention shifts back* "This is kinda fuckin' rude, you know, trying to have a private conversation-" *the wave of guilt that washes over her, she realizes, is just a fraction escaping through a dam before Shamira retreats further into the halo* "Okay, yeah, low blow. My bad."

It's hardly your fault.

A: "It's not yours, either. Like Em said, you have your own side to this story. So, why don't you want to tell it?"

I want to tell it but I have a number of reasons to do so through a medium. It's your body; now aware of the transgression, I do not wish to repeat myself, even to take control of a small piece of you. I worry that if we begin seeking ways to justify such, I will continue seeking those justifications. Being held in such a small space like this... it's not a physical thing, true, but it's not pleasant either- and I at least have a choice in the matter. You didn't.

A: *she nods- which is weird, even given the context that she's not used to talking to a noncorporeal entity like this- but remains silent, prompting a disgruntle ripple of annoyance from Shamira*

I also... don't want her to hate me more than she already does.

A: "Emily doesn't hate you, Shamira."

I was used as an unwitting tool to keep her from you. Even if she doesn't hate me, as a being, she hates what I represent. Heaven's Will forced upon her, taking from her a source of Joy, denying her choice- you saw her desperation, her frustration, her pain, all as clearly as I did, Ass. Even now, I'm keeping you from... indulging.

A: "Banging, you're keeping us from banging, yes, but continue." *the attempt at levity fails and the guilt becomes stronger for a moment* "If it's any consolation, we kinda have a tradition of having traumatizing events occur before getting physical- well, that's the dumbest way I could've worded that but whatever, I'm still kinda out of it- and this time, it'll take a lot longer to get past the traumatizing part. That's fine." *she reaches for her own wrists and works free the bindings on Shamira's gauntlets. They didn't give way easily- they were never intended to be removed- but she succeeds and pulls them off so she can set her bare hands on Emily's hips again. "We've got time."

That doesn't change how guilty I feel knowing that my presence is inhibiting you both and there's nothing any of us can do about it. And... I do not wish to make matters worse. On our trip through the portals, I acted on instinct, and it upset Emily further- a wrong word... no. I don't wish to risk it.

A: *she presses her lips into a thin line, then looks at Emily* "Shamira does want to talk to you but she doesn't trust herself to leave the halo. Plus, she feels guilty- I think she's trying to be unobtrusive in the hopes we can... ignore her and do what we'd normally do." *her fingers flex because she is hungry for Emily, especially remembering the first time they used this couch for... other purposes than sitting idly, but she holds back, too* "But... I'm not comfortable with that. I don't think you would be, either. And she's afraid-"

I'm not- wait, is this fear?

A: "Yes, Shamira, that crushing weight of negative expectation is called 'dread' and it's basically intense fear. You're scared of upsetting Emily more- you feel guilty about the how and why you were created, and you don't wanna fuck up your tentative new existence. Believe me. I get that." *she looks into Emily's eyes* "So... ask me and I'll speak for her. Even the shit she doesn't want to say, I can still kinda feel. I'll try to get better at saying what she's saying, too. It's just kinda... weird."

Weird how?

A: "I'll be honest, I'm not entirely sure if I'm the one picturing-"

Ah, yes, I see. I suppose... same.

A: "Yeah, now that we're aware of each other and you're testing the limits of your existence, I'm really not sure where you begin and I end. We don't- we don't have souls in the traditional sense but... there's something there. Something that makes me me and you you, and it's weird to suddenly be aware of that in a very tangible way."

A: *in the next moment, there's an unspoken agreement between them, because she looks at Emily and feels warmth spread through her chest, love for the one who literally went through Hell to get her back, and there's a similar sensation coming from Shamira. The guilt intensifies. They aren't sure where one begins and the other ends but they have things in common. They both love Emily and have pledged their everything to her but Shamira seems to feel like she is... lesser in this regard. Her entire experience with Emily was focused on reaching Ass; Emily has no reason to tolerate Shamira's presence, aside from the fact that it's Emily, and she'd never be so cruel. It's a one-sided love unearned, because the soft moments that melt the guardian angel's heart... were never directed at her, despite that being the only perspective to access those memories. So, they take another step forward together, cohabitating the same body and loving the same seraph and pretending like that makes any sense; as long as it works for them, it should be fine*

We have time.

A: *she smiles and sighs and relaxes into Emily's couch, into the pleasant pressure against her, the fiery kiss and oh so delicious familiarity in her touch, her soft words and the hunger flashing in her eyes- after resigning herself to fading into nothingness trapped within the prison of her own mind, Ass is soaking in every sensation. The idea of a shower together is exceptionally tempting- it's exciting new territory, and she's not so tired that- ah. Right*

I am incapable of granting privacy but, if it's any consolation, I've seen your memories and will remain silent for the duration. It's as close as I can give you presently.

A: *she smiles, ignoring Shamira for the moment* "Keep that shower idea on the backburner for now, Sweetheart. We're gonna try that soon but bath sounds great for now. Then... make a pot of coffee. I can't sleep quite yet."

You should. You're exceptionally tired. It took an impressive amount of mental strength to break through the shielding that should've kept you in, not to mention prying it open in the first place. I never slept, so your body-

A: "Shamira, please, shut up." *she sighs, shaking her head* "You know I'm just going to argue with you, you can read my thoughts, right?"

I can interpret your intentions but you speak straight from the heart. The lack of careful wording makes it difficult for me to understand.

A: "Okay, so you can't read my mind perfectly, good to know, but you damn well know none of us can sleep until we've talked about... this." *she makes a vague gesture to herself and then looks up at Emily* "Shamira can't, like, disconnect- she's always gonna be aware of what I'm aware of and she's not comfortable seeing you naked in the flesh just yet."

I have said no such thing.

A: "You're not the only one with a vague feeling, dipshit." *she rolls her eyes* "Literal fuckin' asshole." *she refocuses her attention on Emily, running her hands along the seraph's sides, trying to soothe her- and herself in the same measure* "I do wanna cuddle. I wanna just bury myself inside of you and lose myself for a bit."

Okay, that mental image was entirely unnecessary.

A: "But, Shamira's not quite there yet." *she tilts her head, then shrugs* "Although, she really liked you tossing her through portals."

And that revelation was also unnecessary!

A: *she smirks* "There's nothing I want to do more than pick up right where we left off- we went to the big fancy party, now it's time for us to have some fun." *she wants to waggle her eyebrows but... instead, her expression pinches* "But... Shamira tried for me, even when she wasn't really sure what I even was, so I... kinda owe her. And- she wasn't able to talk to you before. Now, she can, and I feel like she has some things she'd like to say."

I am under no obligation to cooperate.

A: *to be fair, that was true, but she knew an easy way around that bit of stubbornness* "Do you want to talk to Shamira, Em?"

((@ask-emily-em-emmy))