#whatever point is i feel. idk. not good and im mad at myself. let me feel happy again like i did not even a week ago

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[funky-dealer]

not even noon and i already want this day to be over

[blommp717]

could you maybe explain the whole "dropping the desire" thing a bit more closely? cus idk but whenever i hear people saying to drop the desire, it makes me feel like i have to give up everything i "want" and accept this shitty life i have. like i just don't understand. what do i even do when i have nothing to "manifest"? when i have desires, i can tell myself that everything's okay because im gonna be outta here soon (and living my best life having all my desires) but with nd, i don't quite get what the "end goal" is. hope this doesn't sound stupid, it's just that i've been in the manifestation community since 2016 now, having desires every single day and looking forward to finally manifesting them (which never happened btw), so suddenly just dropping them feels so strange to me. it's already so late where i live and i'm tired so this probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but i still hope you can tell what i'm trying to ask😵‍💫

Hello there 🫶☀️🪷 don’t ever feel bad for

Alrighty I can feel that this is gonna be a longer answer so I hope you’re ready.

Firstly, believe me or not but I know exactly what you’re going through, I’m sure allot of people do.

So firstly let’s this out of the way, why do I keep saying there is no manifestation? To understand that, we also have to understand ND. Let’s break it down first from what ND is and what it states, then you’ll automatically get the answer to why manifesting is not real and the reality of the situation is 100x better in my opinion.

Nonduality is the understanding that there is, well, no duality, no separation in any of “this”. Everything is included in this, thoughts, ideas, the world, people, feelings, events, food, cars, money, desire, you, sense of self, all of it. All of existence is just one, all the same. And this is what you are, dissolving labels and everything, we can realize there is no point where you end and the entire universe begins. Without labels, nothing is named, nothing is decided as yes or no or good or bad, it all just is, a nameless is-ness. You are this infinite presence, nameless, timeless, formless, appearing as everything. No-thing appearing as something. A hollow appearance at that but regardless, an appearance.

And if you are everything, if it’s all just one, and this is what we are, then everything is just what we appear as. So the realization of “$100” is the experience of it. There is nothing to do, there is nothing to achieve because it’s all you and the realization or awareness of this idea is the experience. It doesn’t matter how you feel so you can cry, get mad and do whatever you want because it doesn’t change the nature of what you are, this “ “ nameless thing you are remains untouched. There’s no worrying about the what ifs or time delays because again, this is what you appear as by realizing it.

You say your “manifestation” never happened, and I think it’s time to be clear with yourself (as I have done this many times before). Are you affirming and visualizing to change or get something, or as a means to remind yourself of what is yours. And affirmation does not get you anything, it’s what it means to you in terms of identity that matters.

I could look at a rock and rub it 3 times, and because to me it means I’m going to get a free coffee, it’s instantly true.

You can make anything mean you have what you want, you don’t just make the rules your are the rules. This whole idea of dropping is also just a way for people to not worry about their desire. Personally I do what I want. I’m everything, If I feel like thinking about it cus it makes me happy I will, but if I’m thinking about it in a “I need to affirm to get this” kind of way, ima just stop, remember that this is not a technique but a reminder of what naturally we exist as.

You never have to give up on what you like because this life is meant to be cherished and enjoyed.

There’s no reason to live a life that makes you unhappy, your literally god, god is all, you are everything. You. Got. This. Don’t make it a process, don’t make it a journey, and most definitely don’t thing ND is a technique to manifest. There is no manifesting, only being, so this isn’t something you turn off and on. I hope this helped, I myself have been pretty sleepy so I hope this made sense 😭🤭🫶☀️🪷🌚🌝

[elvencantation]

weird things i don’t know if i can attribute to trauma or adhd or social anxiety:

-super sensitive smell and taste. carbonation hurts my tongue

-sometimes brain decides perfectly good food is bad (usually if i’ve had it too many times or its too bland) and if i make myself eat it i’ll have a stomachache (also sometimes i just don’t have the energy to try new foods)

-subset of this: i am very sad when my tomatoes or nectarines (or anything else that i love to be firm) is soft or otherwise unusually textured. like if i can see they’re wrinkly or lumpy i will not eat them. i am currently staring at some sad tomatoes being like. will my mouth accept them or will they be too soft

-unspoken social rules i don’t know and anxiety about new social situations i have no context for, no list of example responses and what it leads to

-i have two social modes that its very hard to find middle ground between: stranger and person who is safe

-bothers me when people are wrong about something and i am often not able to stop myself from correcting them

-very blunt and bad at subtext, take things way too literally especially when im tired

-let me expound on that. even when i know the question isn’t meant literally, usually i answer it literally first, then as they meant it. i play it off as a joke but it’s hard to resist being totally and completely honest if there isn’t a reason (like info about myself i think people don’t need to know)

-no understanding of peer pressure and why someone would change themselves to fit in (like srsly how do you find genuine friends with common interests and stuff if you’re hiding who you are?)

-annoyed by overly self-deprecating statements. have dealt with this by being overly sarcastic like- OH MY GOD. HOW DARE YOU HAVE HUMAN EMOTIONS AROUND ME, ANOTHER HUMAN YOU TRUST AND WHO CARES ABOUT YOU???

-constant over analysis of myself and how new people perceive me, esp coworkers (since they’re not friends, they don’t choose to spend time with me) UPDATE: i’ve mostly stopped doing this. turns out it was social anxiety and the fact that i had to meet like over fifty new coworkers at once

-i logic my own emotions. i can logic myself out of them sometimes if they’re negatively affecting me. usual example: i can usually set aside my anxiety at something if there's nothing i can do to change it. or more accurately if i've taken a step towards fixing whatever triggered it

-very slow reflexes/processing time

-can’t stand pet hair on my clothes or stuff

⁃very fluid sense of opinion. very influenced by the opinions of those im close to. to the point where a dress i loved, i couldn’t bear to wear because my mom said it looked trashy. to the point where my best friend said she didn’t like a song, so i didn’t really like it (i just listened to it, and its not a bad song. i think i do like it? idk) i think this used to be more severe when i had less self confidence but still happens now sometimes

-secondhand embarrassment can become so unbearable and i have to plug my ears and want to hide. sometimes will literally hide if possible if the situation is happening irl

-dissociating after 2+ hours staring at a screen

-if there’s no background noise i can hear my ears ringing and that’s not fun

-i never get angry. upset sure. anger or rage? i can remember feeling properly angry like. once. when my brother was young and traumatized and did something totally stupid and fucked with my sweet cousin. that’s… pretty much it. but mostly it was my protective instinct and i think i was scared cause i didn’t understand what was happening

-the sheer panic and frustration that happens when someone misunderstands my words consistently. like if you cannot understand what i am saying how do i communicate with you? in the time honored words of dr seuss: "i meant what i said and i said what i meant"

-this might be a mom trauma thing but- when someone's less emotive and quieter around me, they are mad at me. but if they smile at something i said, they are no longer mad at me

-i need a wide information on all the ways a certain social interaction will go before i feel confident participating

-i tend to dominate conversations with my interests and am very bad at asking questions without a jumping off point. usually i just try to encourage people to do what i do and tell me their interests my association

-i need like at least five business days to be emotionally prepared for a day trip/social events in general

[fefairys]

gender ramble 😌😌

i feel like my childhood gender experience differs SOOOO vastly from like 90% of transmascs cause i always see people saying that puberty is when the dysphoria really hit because they started growing boobs and getting a period and stuff but man i was 100 percent looking forward to all that stuff i was SO excited when i got my first bra like seeing myself in the mirror with a padded bra made me almost as happy as seeing myself in the mirror with a binder for the first time. i guess it is the genderfluidity lol i am so everywhere. because i was so GIRL about a lot of things like i wanted to wear MAKEUP and BRAS and have long beautiful hair but i also preferred wearing my brothers hand me downs over Girly Clothes. like i always wanted to wear "boy clothes" in a girl body with girl mannerisms and being seen as a girl. hm. much to think about and i am kind of still like this, i mean im always in a constant struggle of should i cut my hair or let it grow out because i like it both ways.. i prefer it more in the middle now so it can be whatever. boygirling it.. i like just doing whatever i want forever. its so fun. i see my gender as ftmtftmtftmtftmtf forever repeating. but also at the same time its just null, not female or male but nothing. but also female and male at the same time and also sometimes taking turns between the two. wheeee!!!!

anyways my original point was like idk it was weird because i never had physical dysphoria growing up, that really didnt hit until recently and has more to do with my skin condition than anything else tbh. like i would feel better abt my boobs if they werent covered in scars and open sores lol. but like i remember finding so much joy in being a girl growing up and probably because i looked up so much to my mom and sibling (sister at the time. and now we have like VERY similar gender things going on individually as well its pretty awesome) the only time i ever felt "bad" as a kid was when girls my age would be like "why are you wearing BOY clothes ur a GIRL!!!" and id be like "ummm its just clothes this is just what im comfortable in im still a girl!" like it just made me mad that ppl gendered clothing so heavily. i was a girl but wore whatever i wanted? which sometimes included girly clothes, but i always found them physically uncomfortable. i still feel that way like i will feel sooooooo cute in some girly dress or blouse but its always itchy or weirdly tight or whatever and its always more comfy to just wear a tshirt

blah blahblahblahbalhb idk im just writing a diary entry at this point. im done good bye

[wishchthumblr]

time for long and not re read vent post aha

i am genuinely so fucking mad at my mom rn

im crying over twitter because it seems like it’s actually breaking this time, more than last. and i know its “the shit site” and it’s “garbage” and whatever but i dont care because its my home. its the only social media (before now maybe tumblr too) that ive felt good using. insta made me feel so terrible and nothing else really worked before i got twitter.

i’ve always been more of a lurker than poster and twitter made that possible for me, its where ive spent over a year. its the first social media i actually enjoy using. and then that dick head bought it and is just breaking it on purpose at this point.

i went to my mom almost crying because my mental health has been so terrible recently that ive barely been able to bring myself to even use my phone, let alone twitter and the thought of Being Perceived brought me physical pain. and then im finally okay enough to go on it and talk to my friends and see the people i admire and the first thing i see is everyone leaving. and my mental health just goes down again.

im telling her about the new limit shit and how everyone is leaving and that //im scared// and she just. makes some joke about how “im sure that doesn’t apply to the musk supporters🙄” and something about musk’s relationship with chinese government

what. just WHAT

does she not see that im saying this with tears in my eyes? does she not hear that im about to cry in my voice? does she not see that i dont fucking care about the politics of it because im losing my friends and my outlet and the people i look up to and im losing the place i used to go to make myself feel better after dealing with everything in my real life and im losing the good memories.

she keeps doing this again and again and im so tired of it. your daughter is terrified of losing her friends and her safe place and you’re joking about chinese bots and politics? i feel like my mom doesn’t care

im literally crying while writing this and she’s posting on her facebook about some “oh but im sure the pro chinese gov and elon support accounts will still be able to tweet🤔🤔” bullshit

im so tired of her and other people disregarding my feelings and genuine heartbreak over losing my online support system because “oH iTs juSt TwiTtEr LOOLLLL itS alL ShiT anYwAy!!!!”. i hate you. i genuinely hate people who say that. how dare you just throw aside other peoples support systems and livelihoods like that just because its on a website you dont like. how fucking dare you. it doesn’t matter if the website comes back because you directly told me you dont care about my fear.

idk im just so tired of it. idk tumblr etiquette about venting or whatever but i needed to get this out. might delete later if i feel better idk. just. be nicer to people. just because you don’t relate doesn’t mean your dismissal isn’t breaking my heart and my trust in you. this is why i never tell people anything and just hide away whenever i feel terrible

[alternateanonymous]

5:16 am

Hey yall, nothing new. Me and stefan had a little dispute but it wasn't crazy. It was just something out of nothing so lol, nothing new. I played valorant and ow on pc which was crazy. Stefan said he was gonna call me but went to sleep and didn't even say goodnight. Kinda sad about that not gonna lie. Had a good night regarless, decided to not go bnack to amherst yet because I have an appointment for my skin on wednesday and it wouldn't really make sense for me to go all the way to amherst then come back the next day so well see. just had a big snow storm too, so that's cool. also, im getting alot better at typing on this thing, honestly it took a minute but we are here and making it all fluid and shit, I love it lol. Also, praise petar he is a real g because he helped me figure out my shit which was nice. also, ugh being president is hard lolll. Ugh. also, idk discord is cool it just sucks that it has such a bad reputation lol. i went to get pizza with my mom today it was good. i talked to here about a lot of things so that was nice. I also called syka last night to check in and everything seems to be going well, she is going to be seeing her boyfriend rin soon so that's cool. stilll haven't played overwatch with them yet but that will come with time. i feel like sykaa still has a lot to learn and grow and develope in terms of realtionships but isn't that just life lol. I do wish stefan would at least text me or whatever. He did this the other day. Yea he's already asleep but i at least text him if i am going to sleep or whatever, idk. i am just scared or overthinking lol. Idk, not even. lately i've just been finding a lot of inner peace with myself and that's really rejuvenating. Like idk, honeslty once i joined the server i feel that apart of me has been restored in a way and i don't fully know how to describe it. it's like the good girl feminine energy that i have always wanted throughout my life has been finally restored in a way that i have never really had or never knew i needed. Call it cringy but lol whatever. like i said, i don't get as caught up with shit i would normally get caught up with. Idk. I mean partially some of that is due to weed because it helps distract and calm me. Like the night with stefan where shit was supposed to go bad, like yea it was bad in the moment and yea i cried, but then i just said fuck you imma do what i want if you wanna be impossible just be impossible i don['t care imma do what i wanna do. And i did and it was nice because the weed helped me. turned my thoughts back onto me and it was nice because i felt relaxed lol. yea am i still annoyed at stefan, yes but the chances of that happening again= maybe, so maybe I'll bring it up to him bext time i see him and just be like "yea, i am ok now and i ave had some time to sit and process it, and im not mad at you or annoyed at you and i recovered pretty quickly after our disput but it still doesn't make me feel ok that you resorted to not wanting the video regardless of the effort i decide to put in or not, because even though i was confused it stil doesn't make it right for you to revoke your intentions and say you don't want the video,. At that point it just made me feel worse. proved that you got to your breaking point of carelessness, and made me confused and sad that you didn't want what i was trying to give to youy regarless of if i complained or not. Idk, just didn't sit right with me. So what i ask of you for the future if we get in a situation like that again, please just let me deal with my own self and complaints and just don't revoke your inital intentions because that makes me feel worse and sad. So yes a. don't revoke your intentions and b. just let me complain when i want to complain. and understand that i am just complaining about it. Besides, you know me well enough to know that i can complain a lot about things but it doesn't mean that i am going to quit what i am doing. Just be patient with me ok? regarless of if i complain or not. because as my boiyfriend you know me better than most people.

Right thanks, so yea that is my shpeel ahout that, it is currently 5:30 am and i am lisening to death by dishonor by ghostmane. Shit goes hard lol. So yea, maggie just make sure you talk to stefan about this when you get a chance, preferably in person!!!!! Great thanks. Damn, that's actually crazy that this whole thing only took me 15 minutes to write lol. I literally love this fucking keyboard and pc so much, i honestly didn't think id like it this much but i love it, I love the keyboard and the mouse and the pc itself. the monitor is fine lol. and the applications that come with a pc are really cool, like bro. I can play overwatch and valorant which is cool. valorant i can finally play since it is apc exclusive game and also i finally feel valid enough to go on discord. Idk, some apps i just hate on my phone and would much rather prefer their layout on pc which is now where we are which is fire. But yea, ahhh we are making it mags. we're making it. Just keep your head up and keep striving for greatness because that's what you were made for. what were you made for= whatever you choose, you were given the ability to decide what is right wrong good and bad, and (most imporanty) answer those decisions with a why. You put the intention behind the decision, so thats your purpose. to be the voice of the world. Goodnight maggie, i love you. hahah YAAA that's weird, lol self love is weird. But legit this is the first time i have ever felt like i loved my personality and found purpose. My purpose is whatever i decide because i have that ability. So thanks!!! im just gonna keep trying to be the best person that i can be!!! yasaaaaaa,, fuck it we always positive in this bitch.

[nahalism]

I’ve started online lessons with this girl who teaches me. Now I’m a very private person, figuring myself out and people mostly find me weird. This girl however talks to me in a normal way and she seemed excited. Now she goes from being kinda excited to asking me a lot of stuff, even trying to joke around and figuring out if I’m married or single, trying to figure me out in general and then a day later she seems pissed at me. This switch between moods happened before. So it’s not a one time thing. I feel like she was annoyed/mad at me. I tried to ask myself what it is I could have said, done or didn’t do that made her act this way towards me. But I can’t figure it out and tbh I felt uncomfortable. To the point where I just wanted to log off and ghost. But at the same time I wanna ask her if something’s wrong. That however feels too personal and I don’t want to put her in an uncomfortable situation. Idk if it makes sense, but would I be an asshole for asking straight up?

i have to be completely honest, i can't answer this with confidence because there are a lot of amber flags and a lot of subtext missing.

for example, you being 'private' and 'people mostly finding you weird' could be because your actually weird & socially off putting, or it could be because we live in a world where people are mean toward what they dont understand & youve internalised that, so now have low self esteem, or have adopted their view of you when describing yourself. that, in addition to the fact you keep to yourself, makes it difficult to discern whether your reading too much into her kindness toward you, or whether shes genuinely interested in you/trying to make a pass, and has some kind of issue with emotional disregulation. either possibility is likely, so i cant give you a direct answer to your question.

the best advice i can give is to communicate the issue. as long as you approach the situation with kindness, there is nothing wrong with being straightforward with with her. ghosting isn't a good solution because it will leave the situation unresolved and give you further uncertainty as to whether the issue lies with you or with her (= social anxiety in future communications). so, be upfront and ask her what the issue is in a way similar to – 'i've noticed the way you speak to me/ your mood toward me fluctuates quite a bit, (give examples if you think its relevant), and im just wondering if i did something wrong?' ... you can even go a step further and pre-emptively apologise, 'if that's the case i just want to apologise and say that i in no way intended to make you feel uncomfortable or to upset you'. if she says you did, you can resolve it and find some resolution in the situation. if she says you didnt you can assume the issue lies with her, rather than you.

just so you know, regardless of the outcome, who is at fault or who isn't at fault, in paying for these lessons you are paying for a service. if that service is making you feel uncomfortable, or is unsatisfactory in whatever way, your always free to stop attending.

in the case you haven't said or done anything to make this person uncomfortable or infringe on their boundaries, i want to assure you that being a little weird is not a crime or anything to be shy or ashamed of. it also doesnt make you a creep or some kind of 'weirdo predator'. only being a creep and a predator does. so on the off chance you've internalised the things people have labelled you as, and now have anxiety speaking to people or an unmeasured approach to gauging social situations, just know you dont need to hide yourself away. that there are kind and patient people with genuine intentions toward you who are willing to be your friend and let you learn and understand these dynamics as the friendship continues. no one arrives perfect

sending u love and good luck

[gyahyahyahayhahayahyahyahyahyaha]

this IS ridiculous and stupid and im only perpetuating it and stewing in it but like my whole, at this point, instinctual, response to being in the presence of this shithead is to go 'i have to kill that shithread/myself' is part of the reason why things are still the same and only getting worse. because i did kinda chose some of the worst time wasting things to focus on all this time and it was in fact just only distracting myself from these thoughts. nothing more. cuz i mean i couldnt really function and do anything else otherwise not without acting on these thoughts. ive been trying to not act on these thougths for so long but i dont have TIME to distract myself from them anymore so like... lol. i ve wasted too much time simply distracting myself and not like. doing anything else that might have... allowed me to extricate myself from this fucking situation. i am yet again, simply just tryiing to offload some of this fucking rage and anger building up. and like. as per usual the same regular thoughts keep pouring in. "what is the point at this point, on not just simply succumbing"

regarless of how things have been since however long ago. i stil have this ingrained fear+anger response. i get so mindbendingly incensed at their mere presence. i was literally cursing and sweaing my fuckign ass off audibly yesterday because i didnt feel safe with them at my back. and of course just simply being around them just pisses me offf and of fucking course instead of doing anything about it they complains to someone else about it. i cant talkt o themn either. what good is that going to do. nothing meaningful or good is going to come out of it.

theres no point. theres no fuckign point. obciosuly i have to focus on what CAN be done antd the more important shit but like. man. cmon. thats the whole issue. I CANT. i cant fuckign focus. and i keep wasting time. whether to distract msyelf or just.simply wasting time. all this time i know ive been focusing on the wrong things but like also its been so hard just keeping up with my fuckign hygiene and like keeping the house clean and it only gets harder becuase we dont have a fucking working DISHWASHER or WASHER or DRYER. and also cuz fo like depression bullshit. i dont want to get into "listing excuses" territory but like. ive BEEN using lots of stupid excuses all thistime. but also like i imagine because that bitch piece of shit is tryna make a more focused effort to cut n run theres no way in hell we're getting any replacements anytime soon. which just again just is making me so mad. this is something ive dreamed of. for so long. now that that stoupid bastard bitch piece of shit is leaving. ive more or less ruined/burned all mybridges so like idk. and i knew this hatred and fear would poison and burn me inside out. and probably catch fire to whatevers near me.

i dont want to say its impossible cuz like... its not. thats the whole thing. but it IS its hard to focuson other things, enough to get them done and dealt with... and even more so when mynumber one go to thought is in fact, "whats the fuckitn point" and so it fuckign cycles

and so it has been these last 20+ years.

i dont want to be like this. buti have been. and even now after all this suicidal ideation and ideas and whatever about "disappearing quietly and without a trace" im still fuckign posting about it... wonder what that fuckign means lol

again. YES its fucking stupid that things are like this. ITS FUCKING PATHETIC i let things get to this point. that i didnt do anything worthwile to mitigate or even TRY really. i did. i used to. but i realied it was kinda fruitless to do what i was TRYING to do and i kinda gave up on everything else. and i internalized that kinda thinking for so ong that i just didnt do anything since then. its pathetic. i could have broken out of this. i could have done SOMETHIN to leave. i should have just run away as a child. I SHOULD have done anything. i should have done SOMETHIGN. i can still DO SOMETHING. BUT AGASIN. i just look at my options. all the shit ihave to do and go,

"WHATS THE FUCKING POINT"

and the only things that i can actually see myself doing are reaching out towards probalby the most extreme and (maybe) unrealistic options out there.

and i say unrealistic cuz if i havent done those things at any point up til now, what chance is there of me doing something now. or when i no longer have a choice......

.............................i still have a fuckign choice

i still have time i guess......

but...a gain that fucking pulsing, overbearing thought leering and looming over my head saying the same shit over n over an over again.

"what is the point"

i can think of some answers to that...... sometimes.

maybe....

but even then its like.

i did this. i let things get to this point.

i made the decisions i did that cut off almost all form of exit. of escape or whatever route coud be taken to get out of this fucking mire.

and im languishing in it like some fucking idiot instead of doing something.

ive ruined my chances and i shouldnt and cant expect help. because what the fuck is anyone going to do that can actually fucking help me. whos to say tha i wont make things worse for whoever does help me. me i guess but i mean like.

the answer has been clear to me for so long now.

leave this place and die in some hole.

OR stay here and languish until you die here or they call the police and whatever happens then happens lol.

......and i like. i know. whenever whatever ends up happening. how i feel now and i how i envision it happenig will more than likely be COMPLETELY different ffom what does actually end up happening. but like. im scared either way . if things go the way i envision them going or if things go the way i dont. im scared of it either way cuz neither will be good.

like far as im concerned my only REAL, feasible options are rotting out on the street, killing myself, going to some prision/mental hospital or all of the above. (and maybe also somewhere inbetween now and then, bleeding out due to whatever going on with my body OR complications arising from losing consistent amounts of blood every day forthe last few years on n off). and well i think i deserve it.

i..... for as long as i can remember. never could see a feasible or realistic future or myslef. i had all these ideas and ambitions based in what might as well be delusion/fantasy because i never realy put all that much time or effort into working towards making those ambitions real or feasible. and now even still i cannot see ahead of me. i cannot fucking envision what continuing to be alive would be. aside from rotting until im actually dead. and then rotting some more. i dont want to die where someone will find me.

ive never been able to see a future for myself.

and like yeah. sure. you can fuckign craft one or whatever...

but..................................

WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT.

even when i come up with answers to that question that i feel should be pretty strong contenders they always. kinda. just. fall flat.

in the face of everything. else... what am i willing to do for those reasongs. what am i willign to sacrifice. what am i willing to fuckign do. what effort am i willing to put in. i never felt like i was able to honestly or accurately answer those fucking quesitons.

and so again. i just feel like everythign i have is just. upheld by falsehoods. and maybe it actually is. but like. what have i done to say or prove otherwise.

what am i willing to do to make it real.......

i dont know.

ive been doing this same shit for so long.

unable to answer the important questions in any sort of meaningful way that feels solid or real.

yelling at myself to just DO IT, whatever IT may be.

coming up with stupi dlil workaround and convoluted rituals to get myself to do the things I WANT to do. WHATEER that might be. or thigns i NEED TO do. and barely bein able to take care of myself. i mean fuck i live in this house on someone elses money. im NOT taking care of myself. but like ive been so focused on tryna at least clean up after myself that i like just. dont do anything else. except waste time. on shit that doesnt matter cuz i not putting in the effort to make it matter. to make something of it. i.... idk...

like id like to be able to say ive been doing SOMETHIN to get outta this situation. like i have so much shit to catch up on like been essentially.... COLLECTING resources for all the things i need to prepare and do in order to catch up on what nees to be done. collecting resources for... STARTING. but i see these documents and pages and stuf that they require and i just freeze. up. i see they require like other ppl's signatures and like all my personal information like my dead name and alls orts of other shit and i just freeze up. i look at the other boxes to fill out and imaybe ill fill them out. but then i look back at the others. i stop. and then i dont save my progress and then i just. look away. go do something else. distract myself. it just. keeps happening. it keeps fucking happening. i shouldnt have had this many chances to squander. to WASTE. i shouldnt have had this many chances and this much time to WASTE. but i did. AND I WASTED IT ALL. AND I DONT SEE THE POINT IN BOTHERING. LIKE. MAYBE. IDK. MAYBE I DO MAYBE ITS BOTH I DO AND I DONT.

its just been all this same damn stupid ass shit. all the time. what do i have to show for anything.... like maybe i can get some fucking hep if i go see a doctor. for about half a much as i say "i should kill myself" or some more detailed variant of that, i also say "i should go see a doctor" i think about all the shit i needto do for that and i just start thinking. " but like do i even deserve it?" shoul di not just throw all my fucking caution and fear to the wind and just say fuck it!!! and let me live up to all this bullshit ive been sayin about how i DESERVE TO SUFFER??? but like i want to throw my cowardice away. i want to get rid of that. but i have to be careful from now on if i want to continue to have some semblance of a life i can enjoy or whatever. i guess. idk. what does that even mean. for me..................

every time i get to this poitn where i think about shit like this (which is just way too often mind you... theres not a SINGLE fucking day that goes by wihtout me thiking about killing myself or some shit like everytihgn i talked about here) i just think or have some stupid naive hope that i can like yell at myself or logic or trick myself into doing something. anything worthwhile. and then i just sit and stew on these feelings and.......

DO NOTHING.

this really is some stupid worthless whiny baby bitch bullshit but like.... i have to do something or else languish and die. liike i have been all this time.

[rippeds0cks]

5/27/2023

Im falling apart at the seams physically. My body cant keep up with all the pressure, stress, and work im putting it through. Its to the point where im taking ludicrous amounts of meds to keep it together. My body hurts so fucking bad from my muscles to my tendons to my bones im in pain all day. If i lose focus on whatever motor function im doing (using stairs, walking, running, fighting) i just collapse. Ive been dropping things cause the nerve damage in my hands is progressively getting worse. I deserve it though not only for being a piece of shit and failing those around me but just for my existence. My pops always told me growing up that “guys like us arent supposed to do well or live long” and i guess he was right cause im barely keeping myself in one piece. It’s ok tho cause im living for absolutely nothing right now. If i drop dead a couple people here n there will be sad but theyll soon forget and move on. I dont contribute anything to anyones life so its not like anything crumbles in my absence. Anyways every little detail ive ever known of my ex flooded back into my mind today in the gym and it left me fighting back tears and choking up while working out. Everything from how her old fursona back when she was a furry was a dutch angel dragon, how beautiful she looked everytime i saw her and her face lit up, the one time we were standing in the park at night and she kissed me and said “feels familiar”, how she always wanted to play apex or valorant, and most importantly as for now, how she used to make music. For shits and giggles i decided to go see if her music page was still up and it was. I decided to listen for old times sake and it reminded me of how i never told her how good i thought she was. I went straight to criticism and telling her how to improve it. Idk why im like that. Maybe cause its the way my parents were to me anytime i did anything i dont know. Its no excuse though. Dont get me wrong she still did rookie things like fill syllables with unnecessary curse words or make her vocals too low in the mixing process but its genuinely good music and ive been listening all day. Listening to the lyrics has made me realize how much i failed her. She placed a lot of emphasis and faith on me to help her or value her and i failed. And while my therapist would say something along the lines of “its not your responsibility to carry the burden of her happiness” i dont believe that to be the case at all. I think its something she placed in my hands trusting me and i failed. And that doesnt negate the insane way things ended between us. Her mother is still batshit fucking insane for the next level mental manipulation she did to my ex to make her mental state even more volatile than before. Idk. Maybe its my fault for leaving in the first place. Ive failed her every other way i cant not think i failed her by leaving and making those the only people she spent time around. Back when we first got together shes agree when her mother would say insane shit or treat her bad or her sister would bully her but by the end of it she flat out didnt think those things were happening. I just hope she got therapy like i begged her to so many times. Her ex best friend is a piece of shit though. Texting your best friends ex of almost 5 years the week after they have a nuclear break up confessing your unhealthy obsession from almost 6 years ago is disgusting. I was nice and all in my response because i thought my ex and her were doing it together as like a test of my character but i later found out it was just her disgusting ex best friend. And her reasoning as to why my ex shouldnt have gotten mad was “ive known you longer” no you dumb bitch youve known OF me longer. I didnt speak to you for 5 years you let this middle school crush go to your fucking head. I shared everything, heart and soul, with my ex for four almost 5 years and your disgusting selfish ass thinks you know me better cause we were locker mates in the 8th grade? Truly disgusting insane gross behavior. Anyways heres my exes music

[hellfiremunsonn]

you look so pretty i didn't even notice the size difference for a second. Like, mine aren't that noticeable, but I guess cause my nips don't line up on a horizontal line it has to be mentioned?

Yeah, I was pretty sure these men weren't shit but also...like it felt good to be flirted with? To be seen as desirable? I have never really been in a "relationship" always the let's not label it or the "oh im talking to a guy who showed interest in me and- oh he's married well im blocking you now" (which the married thing has happened more than once, making me feel bad. Like, if they were in an open marriage or poly or whatever, I wouldn't care. But its like im like "isnt that...your wife?" And they get upset i find out like obviously you don't want her to know).

I know my friend didn't mean anything by her comment, so I'm not really mad at her. I think its moreso the guy who said it was a handful (I am a b, maybe c cup depending on the bra (usually its the band) but I think that because I have broad shoulders and a big rib cage, I am big boned i guess cause I am tall, they expect more??)

It just really fucked me up cause I was sitting here and I thought okay he was a piece of shit, and so I started scrolling through Tumblr and reading fanfiction because why not escape reality for a second, and it ended up being smut and I was like ah....my body doesnt...do that normally. And then it made me spiral thinking about every fic I've read (for example, Steve or Eddie) and how its all similar, and then I was like shit maybe I am weird? Like I get i shouldn't let fictional stuff bother me, cause it is fictional, but then I am like hm the men irl suck so why wouldn't it translate (I am not making it make sense like the characters would be fine I think but its like the fics all have similar anatomy i dont have making it seem as though it is normal, and the guys irl suck so they probably also expect that idk im gonna stop this sentence now).

I think the thing that truly bothers me is the fact that, if I am getting close enough to you to feel comfortable topless, because typically I am not, then that means I'm vulnerable and you really just basically stab me. You basically get me in a vulnerable state and go straight for the jugular

Ohgod, yeah I used to never take my top off or my bra off cause I was like nOPE YOU CAN'T SEE MY BOOBS!!!!!

Now I don't care as much because I've thankfully had more positive reactions?

And with fan fic, I try to write sex for reader how I enjoy sex? Which too be fair isn't much because I haven't had a lot of GOOD sex. I've had good moments in sex but never the whole thing. So I don't include a lot of nipple play or stimulation, because I personally don't get much pleasure from it, but I know my partners have so I let them do their thing, thus briefly adding it into fics just cause a mouth on a tit is a common occurrence for the most part.

I also always make sure to get reader to cum from clit stimulation because most vagina havers cannot cum from penetration alone. And I also add it hurting at first, because for me OFTEN times it's really uncomfortable at first, and sometimes it has felt like I'm losing my virginity all over again.

ANOTHER THING. This helps me when reading fics, but (Y/N) isn't me but she is me... Like she's a version of myself I have created to fit these fics, but it's not me me, she's her own character but she is MINE. if that makes sense? Like I have no interest in anal or anal play, but like (Y/N) ??? she'll do anything, and I love her for that.

ALSO, My titties literally get stuck in my armpits when I lay down and I have to pull them out before I get comfy. They be doing what they want I swear.

MEN ARE SHIT

But also voicing your insecurities, and just laying them out on the table sometimes helps! It's something I started to do unconsciously, but I would basically point out these things before someone else could do it, and do it maliciously. Like if I did my eyelashes wonky, I'd point it out right away, or maybe if my ass looked extra flat, or my hair was greasy. Because all our lumps and bumps and ridges, and dips, hairy, smooth, discoloured bits are all part of us, and make us each our own person.

idk where I was really going with this again, I kinda just started typing. But I hope you at least find the tiniest bit of comfort from talking it out with me.

[aphrodict]

“gifts”

cw - mean scara becomes soft as always ugh ari stop writing him as a soft sappy mfsr👎👎, implied that childe n reader are really close friends idk why i had to include that

genre - fluff!!

pairing - scara x gn!reader

a/n - had so much fun writing this‼️ new challenge count how many times ari writes scara as a soft person, anyway hope u guys like it as well hehe, jus a lil post so u can wait for my matchups to be posted again <33 wc: 0.8k

your lover had been busy with his work in the fatui again. he had barely been sleeping or even taking care of himself. worried, you decided to visit him in his office with a few gifts. you prepared only the best of the best, his favorite food and inazuman specialties in small bento boxes, a bouquet of some flowers from all around teyvat that the traveler helped you pick, and of course— a note saying you two will be going on a date later that night!

as you walked over to the headquarters of the fatui, you heard many agents who are probably under the scaramouche’s care, let out a sigh of relief. you know that you’re the only one able to change his mood for the entire day, no, maybe even week. lost in your thoughts and without you noticing, another harbinger popped up right behind and scared you. “guess who!“ the male said in a sing-song voice. you faked an annoyed groan and turned towards him with a smile

“childe, did you need something?”

“no not really. i was going to ask if you needed help with, those”

he said, pointing to the gifts you were bringing for a special someone

“im fine! he’d probably get mad if he saw you hanging out with me again” you chuckle, remembering the last time how scara got so mad with you just having a friendly conversation with childe

“of course, ill never forget that time. do you know how LONG i had to listen to him scold me? talk about a jealous person”

childe let out a short laugh, patting you on the back

“goodluck! he’s been in a bad mood all week, try not to do anything risky”

“ill keep that in mind— oh and make sure to take care of yourself too, i don't want to babysit the two of you again.”

childe waved goodbye as you continue to walk over to the 6th harbinger’s office. the walk felt long yet short at the same time. the hall was dimly lit, and his office was just at the corner. taking a deep breath outside the door, you knocked softly, waiting for a go-signal

“the door’s open”

while entering the room a smile reached your face again, and you were certain there was one on scara’s face as well, though it was quickly replaced with one of annoyance. kicking the door behind you and quickly running to his desk, mumbling a hi and taking out the food first. at the same time, scara slowly took off his hat and placed it on the side

“you really didn't have to do that. im perfectly fine with feeding myself.”

“i know i know, but i noticed you weren't even eating much at home. so i took it upon myself to take care of you” you put one on the desk where he does his work, handing him over a colored dango. you heard his ‘tsk’ but took the food from your hand anyway

scara wouldn't say it, but he felt instantly better after eating.

“this is” he paused, taking another bite of the dango “—really good. where’d you buy it?” his eyes slightly widened. the more innocent side of him being shown

you pouted as if he insulted you. “i made it myself. well not entirely, i asked a few friends for help making the food and picking up the flowers while you were away”

“i see” he sighed and looked at you, the end of his lips slightly curling to a smile.

“thanks alot, really”

you chuckle, smiling as well. you’re happy to help him in any way, he is your lover after all.

“sure! anytime”

for a few minutes, all you could feel was a comfortable silence. right before the harbinger looked over to the bouquet of flowers you were supposed to give him

“those are for..?”

“you of course! you wanna know how i got them? whenever the traveler sees me, she just gives me a flower from whatever place they're from. you know, i was thinking of saving this for next time, but its better now or never” quickly handing them over to him

scara is.. not used to affection, at all. he was hardly given such words and actions as a puppet, so having you by his side— spoiling him with all these new feelings, maybe it wasn't so bad

he makes a mental note to apologize whenever he snaps at you again, you really don't deserve those words coming from him. maybe repay you back with a kiss as well

@aphrodicts-imagination : masterlist

[ta0ken]

p-psyku asks: wowoaow wouldnt it be like so sexy if u wrote scaramouche x male reader (he/him) and it was hanah- /JJJJ HDHSAKG ok but fr. scaramouche x male reader, he/him, (hydro claymore?? if that matters), where the reader finds out scara's real name n calls him that for the first time?? idk why i feel awkward i know u and its just a rq HFKLDSHG HELP IM LOSING IT /J

warnings: genshin impact spoilers (maybe?); maybe ooc because i don’t know how to write scaramouche

: ̗̀➛ SCARAMOUCHE “I’m sorry, what?”

- at first, he’s confused, lost; how did you find out his name? - he’s kept his real name a secret for the longest of time, how did you find out? - yes, you may be able to stand him, but how? - he’s arrogant, he’s not quite liked among his fellow colleagues, but you... you’re able to stand him; he doesn’t want you to know about his past or anything like that. - so please, don’t call him by that name. - he prefers scaramouche, that’s it. - he doesn’t want to be reminded of his past. - but thank you, for telling him. - at least, now you know. - and you can just use his preferred name ‘Scaramouche’.

At first, you weren’t sure if that it was his actual name - was it his real name? Questions ran through your head, your eyes scanning the male before you as you tried to understand if it was or not. He’s been your partner for a long time, so surely, he would’ve told you his actual name or not, right?

Yet, why do you feel like his name isn’t ‘Scaramouche’? (It probably wasn’t, and you know he once admitted that it was just a mere alias.)

You stared at him, looking down at the grounds of Inazuma, a slight frown placed upon your lips. You didn’t want to question the man, but you also did; it was difficult, it was hard, but you weren’t even sure of yourself at this point.

“And now... Hm?” the indigo-haired male paused, noticing your silence. “[Name], what’s the issue? You’re supposed to be listening!” he said, annoyed by your clear ignorance of his talk about the day (it really matters to him, okay?).

“Ah...” you blinked, looking at him, “...Hm, it’s nothing.” You shook your head, trying to refrain from asking his real name, because it wasn’t your business. If he wanted to tell you his actual name, then he’d tell you upon his own accordance: curiosity would always kill you in the endgame.

He scoffed, crossing his arms, narrowing his eyes towards you. “You take me for a fool?” he asked, raising a brow, “I would know when my partner is lost in his own thoughts, no?”

Your lips went into a thin line, a crease forming between your brows. Of course, you wanted to ask him, but it went against your beliefs and your morals. You didn’t want to intrude into his life or privacy - it’s his own (but he keeps edging it on, making you want to ask, but you shouldn’t).

He let out a small sigh, turning to face you fully, head tilted upwards (trying to make it seem like he was looking down on you), eyes narrowed even more. “As my partner, you are to tell me your thoughts, fully. And I demand to know them, right now,” he stated, his gaze hardening. “I will not leave until you do so.”

You stared at him, frowning.

“...But, Scaramouche...” you tried to protest, arguing back weakly, “It’s not important. Whatever’s troubling me isn’t important.”

“Your troubles...” he muttered quietly, “are important to me.”

Hands clenched and unclenched, before you released a quiet sigh, shoulders relaxing. “...Okay,” you nodded, “I’ll tell you; just, don’t get mad, okay?”

“Hah!” he threw his head back in mocking laughter, “As if I’d get mad!”

...You do get mad, you bit back your response, deadpanning, before letting out another breath. “...Is your name... Kunikuzushi?“

The silence you received is the only answer you can take before he said:

“I’m sorry, what? Just where did you even obtain this information?” he asked in disbelief. He’s unusually quiet, his eyes glaring into you. “If you heard it from the other Harbingers, then you must know that it’s a—”

“No, I... I found out, myself,” you said quickly. “I just... didn’t want to intrude into your personal life, that’s all. I wasn’t going to ask you about it until you... told me to...” Your voice lowered into a soft and quiet tone, not sure of what to say. You awkwardly looked away, rubbing your arm.

“Sorry,” you apologized, “if what I asked made you uncomfortable.”

“It’s...” he sighed heavily, hands falling limply to his sides, “It’s fine. It doesn’t bother me as much as it did before. If you had asked me a long time ago, you wouldn’t even be standing.”

You let out a laugh full of disbelief, sweating profusely, “I... I would never, Scaramouche.”

“...Thank you,” he breathed, “I don’t quite like the name Kunikuzushi anymore. I prefer... Scaramouche more, now. My old name reminds me of my past, and I don’t want to think about it anymore. It fills me with...”

You cut him off, giving him a small smile, “It’s okay. You don’t have to talk about it; the past is the past, correct?” You put your hand on his shoulder with uncertainty, not sure if he’d allow you to touch him or not. When he didn’t make any reaction, you continued to speak, “We’re partners now, therefore, what matters is now. Thank you, for at least telling me what you prefer.”

Scaramouche stared at you, eyes widening a smidge before they went back to its original state, and he lets out a huff, a hint of a smile on his face. He closed his eyes, crossing his arms as he looked down at the floor.

“Heh,” he chuckled, looking back up to you, a smirk placed upon his lips, “Since when were you good with words?”

“Since always,” you deadpanned.

“I don’t believe that.”

There was a certain weight lifted off of his shoulders, but he didn’t want to tell you that. He’d tell you that for a different time, considering what mattered was now (your words, not his); he’d make the best of it, for now.

Thank you, [Name].

He’d also tell you that sometime later.

[rezzyromance]

can i request a heisenburg x reader where they take a shower together and it starts getting freaky B) idk if im aloud to add kinks but maybe praise :D

This one was written from the heart.

(CW: Sex +18)

Once again, I've written this story with a gender neutral reader until it gets to the sexual part. I am not experienced in writing any sexual scenarios for gender neutral people or people with penises. I'm very sorry for this and hope you enjoy the story anyway. "I'm not going to ask again, Karl. Will you please take a shower?" You've been pushing Karl for the last 30 minutes to take a shower. It had been so long since he took a break from his work to actually take care of himself. It worried you, so you'd often try to take care of him here and there without getting on his nerves. But now, he's being relentless and stubborn. "For the last time, (Y/N) I don't have time to shower." His tone was aggressive as he refused to look away from his work to face you. "When's the last time you change your clothes? You sweat so much during some of the shit you do to these robots, or whatever they are." "It'll all just get dirty again, so what's the point of cleaning anything?" His gross words made you shiver. You loved him, but the man had nearly no concept of personal hygiene sometimes. A small part of him did care a little bit. He didn't want you to see him as gross. He's never had someone who he's felt the need to impress or look good for until you came along. But still, his work mattered so much to him that he casted hygiene to the side more often than you'd both like to admit. "What if I joined you?" You ask. He froze in his place, nearly choking on his own tongue. But he was quick to regain his composure. He looked over at you from the chair he was sitting in. You couldn't tell due to him wearing his sunglasses, but his eyes were scanning every little detail of your face. "Well?" You cross your arms and stare at him waiting for a response. He inhaled through his nose and tried to cover his excitement with a false sense of aggravation. "Fine. As long as it gets you to shut up." He rises from his chair and you can't help but smile knowing you won the argument. "Leave your coat, hat, and gloves here. We'll clean those later." "Yeah yeah whatever." You excitedly make your way to the bathroom. You set the shower temperature to a comfortable level of heat. The room began to fill with steam. Karl stood against the wall with his arms crossed, still wanting to seem reluctant even though he already agreed to the shower. "Alright. Water's ready. Now strip." You demand with a cheeky smile. "You first." "Sorry, can't do that. I wanna make sure you actually get in the shower before I do so you can't run." This makes him roll his eyes. But, once he's done pouting he begins to remove his shirt. You do the same, hoping it will coax him into continuing. Once his shirt is off he throws it to the side and smiles once he notices you stripping as well. It doesn't take long for you both to be completely unclothed.

He pulls back the shower curtain and steps inside. "Ah! Son of a bitch! Why's the water so hot?!" he yells out and begins to twist the metal shower knobs with his powers. "I didn't make it THAT hot." You step inside and feel a shiver crawl up your skin. "Now it's too cold." You complain. "You are not making this easy, are you?" He turns the knob to warmer. As uncomfortable as it was for him before, he didn't want to hear you fuss more than you already were. "That's better." You smile and relax as the water covers your body.

You stood there for a while, just enjoying the feeling of the heat around you. For a second, you zoned out. The whole time he stood there staring at you. Seeing you so happy and at peace made his insides start to feel as hot as the water that bounced and ran down his skin. All of his own discomfort fled as he watching, lovingly, at the smile growing on your face. Your eyes began to flutter open and he quickly looked away, not wanting it to be obvious that he was staring. But, you could tell from his flushed face and wandering eyes that he had been watching you.

You had placed 2 wash clothes on the side of the tub. You bent over to grab them and again he can't help but stare. This time, his feelings are a little less innocent as he gazes upon your body in a position that drives his mind wild. "Here's a wash cloth." You rise up and turn to hand him one. His body was closer to yours than it was just a few seconds ago, but you didn't mind. "Thanks." His voice was rough and low, almost as if he spoke in a growl. You supply both rags with soap and begin to rub down your body as he does the same.

You sit back for a moment, not really putting in much effort into cleansing yourself as you were too distracted by the sight in front of you. The way his silver hair stretched and clung to his face as the water weighed it down drove you mad. The way the water trickles off his muscular arms and powerful body absolutely hypnotized you. "Having fun there, (Y/N)?" You look up from his chest to his eyes. "Sure am. And you?" You use the cloth that you were previously bathing yourself with and begin to rub across his chest. "I'm fine, but I can bathe myself." He jokes. "Are you sure about that? It looks like you missed a spot." You point to a random area on his chest. "What? Where?" He looks down to where you were pointing and you take the opportunity to place an unexpected kiss on his lips. The initial shock causes him to almost pull away at first, but he soon pushes into the kiss, making it more passionate.

Your back was now pushed against the wall as you both continued your heated kiss. He was first to slip in tongue and you followed, ignoring any drool that leaked from your mouth as it only blended in with the shower water. His hands were gripped tightly to your hips. He begins to bring his body closer to yours. You can feel something poking you before the rest of his body makes contact which causes you to smile against his lips.

You place a hand on his wet chest and slowly make your way lower and lower until you can feel the light scratchiness of his pubes. he nibbles lightly on your bottom lip, signaling for you to go even further. You follow through and reach down you grasp his hardened penis. He inhales sharply and you begin to rub it back and forth, teasing him with your soft touches. He grunted quietly and tightened his grip on your hips, digging his fingers in slightly. You whimper and wrap your fingers around his cock as you begin to jerk him off. "Fuck yeah. Just like that." He groans in your ear before placing scattered kisses on your neck. You use your free hand to reach up and tangle your fingers in his wet locks. He begins to bite down on the more tender spots on your soft neck, leaving marks all over.

After more and more stroking, he grabs your wrist and pulls it away from his crotch. "Do you want me?" He says in a husky voice directly into your ear. "Mhm." You try to not moan as you feel his hand rub down your stomach and making its way in between your legs. "Say it. Say you want me." He demands. "I want you." You gasp lightly as his fingers begin to play with you between your legs. Your knees come together and he uses one of his hands to move them apart. You wrap your arms around his neck, using him as support as your legs shake beneath you. His rough and calloused fingers toy with your clit, causing you to dig your nails into his back. This causes him to inhale through his gritted teeth, but he didn't mind.

After almost rubbing you to completion, he pulls away to torment you some more. You let out a dissatisfied groan as his hand pulls away. His smirk was as egotistical as ever. "What's wrong? You want a little more?" He places his hands on the wall with your body in-between them. He slowly began to bring his body closer to yours, trapping you against the wall. His hard dick was between your legs and resting eagerly against your pussy. He slowly rocked his body, moving his dick across your needy region. He stared into your eyes and watched the agitation grow stronger. "Having any regrets about this yet?" He holds in a chuckle. "No. But if you don't fuck me stupid then I might." "Is that an invitation?" He leans in more and places a hand on the side of your face, cupping it while his thumb played with your bottom lip. You open your mouth and lead the tip of his thumb in before slowly biting now. You didn't bite hard at all, just enough to make him pull his dick away from you and begin to position it for entry. "I'll take that as a yes, Buttercup."

With his thumb still in your mouth, he pushes the first few inches of his dick in. Your breath hitches and you accidentally bite down harder. "Bite any harder and I'll leave right now." He threatens. You immediately loosen your jaw and begin to suck lightly as he pushes more of himself into you. You moan and he pulls his thumb out but continues to hold your face in his hand as he slowly rocks his hips, giving you a little time to adjust. But, it was only a little bit of time. Once your body loosened a little bit he began to thrust. in and out, holding into your waist to keep you from slipping. The sound of wet skin slapping filled the room along with overwhelmed moans that you couldn't keep quiet.

A few grunts left his gritted teeth as he pounded into you relentlessly. "C'mere" He grabbed you by the arm and pulled you away from the wall and turned you so your back is facing him. He bends you over and places one of his hands underneath your stomach to provide you for support. You felt as his tip wandered around in between your legs before finding your vagina again. Once he filled you up with his dick again, he began to pound into you even harder. Both of his hands gripped tightly on each side of your waist as he pulled your entire body into him with each pound.

You felt like you could feel it in your stomach. His dick was harder than ever and you swore you could feel it throbbing and twitching inside of you. Your vision was blurred from the sheer amount of overwhelming pleasure so you closed your eyes. Your moans had become quiet little whimpers that were pushed out of you with each thrust. You feel his hand make its way through your hair as he grips a handful of it and pulls your head back slightly. "Fuck yes (Y/N).." He moans as your body limply swings against his pounding. You could feel a burning feeling growing between your legs. Your climax was near and you wanted so badly to finish. He could tell by the way your legs were trembling that you were close.

He reaches one of his hands between your legs and feels for the clit as he continued to slam into you. A loud moan escaping from your lips helped him navigate to eventually finding your sweet spot. So now he was drilling into you while also destroying your clit. You shut your eyes tight and let loose all of the swears, grunts, and moans you were holding back. His climax was approaching as well. You could hear him grunting and swearing louder and louder, occasionally saying your name. "Karl! Karl I'm gonna cum!" You cry out. He doesn't change his pace until he feels you release onto him. Your body goes completely limp as your vagina floods with your orgasm. You couldn't feel your body and your brain felt foggy.

He still had an orgasm to reach, though. So, he pulled out and made sure to keep a tight grip on you to make sure you don't collapse. You followed the motion of his movements as he turned you around and put his lips to yours as he stroked his cock. The kiss was messy, but loving. He stopped jerking himself off and grabbed you by the waist again. "Wrap your legs around me." He says. You nod, too dazed to give a verbal response. He lifts you up and you wrap your legs around his waist. You also wrap your arms around his neck and rest your head against him as he sticks his dick in you again. You give no protest and close your eyes as he pounds in and out into your comfortable body that engulfed him. While you were quiet, he could still hear you moaning under your breath. He bounced your body up and down, kissing you over and over again. Once he knew his orgasm was rising, he pulled you off and came, letting it drip down his shaft and onto the wet shower floor. You were both breathless but gained a sense of comfort from feeling each others chests rise and fall.

"So," He spoke in between small gasps. "I might need to shower with you more often." You laughed softly into his shoulder, too tired to give any real reaction. He twisted the knob to the shower off with his powers. His hands never left your body as he held you against him. "Here. Sit." He sits you down on the side of the tub and grabs a towel. He softly began to rub your wet hair, attempting to dry it while you rested. You stared into his eyes as he did so. They had their usual sharpness to them, but something about him in this moment was so much more tender than his usual self. You didn't complain though. When he was done, you took the towel from him and returned the favor by drying his hair. He closed his eyes and relaxed against your gentle touch. Once you finished, you placed a kiss on his nose that immediately created a smile on his face.

"How about we go relax a little more before I get back to work." He offers. "I'd like that." You respond quietly. He wraps a towel around his waist and then wraps a towel around you before picking you up bridal style and carrying you back to the bedroom. There, you both curled up against each other and fell asleep.

[shaampoo]

OH, AND ALMOST FORGOT (explanations for some of my OC's, and more OC's)

So like, it might be obvious lol, but these characters are kinda self inserts, just some, mostly ones with Casey and jinx,

Like Jinx one of what I want to be, just having fun and being carefree

Casey is what im feeling, in a more milder tone I guess, tired and overworked lol, also, I dont talk much to people I don't know that well, but if I like you enough, I will drown you with stuff about my Fics and Oc's

Dr. Wilde, well, I just wanna go apeshit like him, he's pretty much my impulsive thoughts come to life, also, I have a tendency to stare

Darian, He's just all my frustration, anger, and sadness and other problems I'm mad about, compressed into one person, where I can make it so that a person is mad for me and vent and stuff, and Solar Flare is someone I want in life lol

Viz, well, he's my anxiety, my insecurities, but I'm making it so that he can still lbe brave, like, the hero gig scares the guy, and yet he perseveres, no matter how hard he wants to give up, so like, it's kinda me telling myself that even when I'm scared I can still keep going?? And even when I want to give up I should still keep going for the greater good?? And that being scared to do something and still doing it is still as brave as just doing the thing without fear, if not maybe more brave??

Starlight, he's just what I want to be, in a more milder way, like, he fuckin slays, serves, whatever you call it, I want that confidence

Also, Starlight has a room, and all the walls have mirrors, like wall mirrors, ceiling mirrors, yeah, just so that Starlight can admire himself at every angle, also, it's impossible for a villain to sneak up on him in his room this way,

R.J. / Jester. Well, I'm Filipino, so, and I have a big family, so, and I want to be goofy so, and I want a child (kinda idk), so, and I want to show off Filipino stuff, so.

Also, I think it would be a pretty funny duo if Viz and Starlight got together, where like Starlight helps Viz with their anxiety, and uhh, like, insecurities(?? Shyness? Where like, they're ashamed of themselves-ness?), and I think it would be cool to see Viz get more confident by being a hero and facing his fears.

I'm kinda trying to put the sad characters, lime Darian and Viz in a positive light not as in romanticizing their struggles and stuff, like as in, even if you want to give up and stuff you should still keep going / still going even if you don't want to is very brave?? Idk, it's hard to explain, bleh, I hope I dont come off as like, rude or anything here 🥲. But I swear, I'm trying to make a positive message

It's unfortunate that most likely these characters will be static, cause the fics I'm making of them are just oneshots with a timeline, though, may e they'll get character development!

Also, I forgot a few OC's!

Jamie: warning, Jamie's story is pretty dark (idk actually, but, it is to me with manipulation [I think] and neglect,if you want to skip, the next oc is colored pink,)

A minion to a villain, and this villain, well, they're not meant to be liked. Jamie is one of the minions, and the villain, let's call them Nightmare, doesn't take care of his minions, think of a neglectful parent and that's Nightmare, and I hate him, I hate nightmare with every inch of my being, I want him obliterated, he has singlehandedly stopped my story from being a full on comedy, bit for Jamie to exist, he must as well, and I hate it, uh, anyways, Jamie is pretty skinny, and isn't even used to flavor, and doesn't have much (except for a teddy bear Nightmare got him from a shopping spree [don't be fooled, it's only to ensure Jamie's loyalty cause he's starved for affection), and was raised in Nightmares lair. Thankfully, the heroes got Jamie, they lock him in a cell (though, it's more like a small house ["Wow, it's bigger than my room!" Jamie says, pointing to the bed, he's referring to the bed, the bed is bigger than his room {at this point we should all team up to beat up nightmare}]), and keep an eye on him and try to explain that the situation he was in was not good, and they try to get him to gain some weight cause he's pretty skinny, and I'm trying to make a "get better and heal and realize the person you thought of as a dad was actually a piece of shit" arc for Jamie, and the heroes freeing the other minions. The other villains don't know about Nightmares minion thing, since he's seperate from the other villains (if they knew though, they would be disgusted, some would even try to get the minions out, Lumi would sneak food for them, Dr. Wilde would give them bombs to blow up the wall, all in all, we should hate Nightmare as much as we can, and use it to power a laser and obliterate the guy)

Uncle Kris / Tito Kris and Taz:

He's Filipino as well, and he's the uncle of Taz! Or Tazer as his vigilante name since he can control electricity. He takes care of Taz and Taz lives with him cause his sister (Cyndette), died in a experiment (she was a partner of Dr. Wilde before he went mad!), and her husband had died of cancer when Taz was 4, Tito Kris was the closest family member, having taken care of Taz before

Tito Kris is related to Jester, being his cousin (Taz sometimes visits [or when Tito Kris drops him off if there's an emergency] and hangs out with Micheal!). Tito Kris isnt aware of Taz being a hero, or the fact that he's being trained by vigilantes (heroes who aren't like, registered heroes in my world), he would get really concerned, the mad that 1. Taz didn't tell him 2. Taz is endangering himself.

Anyways, Tito Kris works as a fish breeder and shipper at home and manager at a restaurant, which makes him really tired at the end of the day, especially topped with taking care of Taz (who is 14, Tito Kris is 34). Taz is understanding though, and even takes care of his uncle whenever it's too much for his uncle, like sometimes whenever Tito Kris would pass out on the couch after getting home Taz would make dinner for him and leave it in the fridge and a note for Tito Kris about the dinner, and feed the fish if they hadn't been fed yet, a small sort of thank you to Tito Kris .

Also, Tito Kris has telekinesis, which is handy at the restaurant (if someone trips or a plate falls) and at fish breeding (fish jumping out, the mess of splashing water, beig able to install stuff without getting wet)

And then there's Hypnos / Mitchell Elliot

They're powers are making people calm or sleepy, he's a hero, and he doesn't really do battle much, he's more for the medical ward of the heroes base (or nearby hospitals to calm people down, or put them to sleep for surgery), to calm patients down etc.

A downside to Hypnos's power, is that he's always tired and sleepy, even when he isn't using his powers

Whenever Hypnos is put in battle, it's usually when the heroes want it to end peacefully, like maybe a hypnotized person, a villain who's this 🤏 close to a redemption arc, etc. Though, usually, Hypnos ends up dozing off leaning on his staff,

Also, Hypnos's room is incredibly comfortable, like plushies, pillows, soft carpet floor, amazing bed ,you name it,

Wait a minute...you sly dog, you got me monologuing! /Ref

I probs still have more OC's, but this is the some I remember

*Bams the door down*

Hello!

Tell me about your ocs please! All the random facts! Well not technically all, just some of them, you get what I mean. XD

I Want To Know More!

And also how's you been? And what do you think about everything that exists? =>

Random facts time!!!

Ill try to list them in order of like, my first OC to my most recent OC's

Jinx first!!!

Jinx was once turned into a cat by the villains, and Jinx was pretty chill about it really, they loved knocking stuff over at the villain base, and since the villains thought they was just turned into a cat, no JInx inside, they just assumed it was normal cat behavior

Jinx is a magpie, like they LOVE shiny stuff, like, once, the heroes and villains were fighting over an ancient artifact, who gets it, the heroes want it so that they know the villains cant abuse it, and the villains want it for power, and then Jinx just ups and steals it just cause its shiny

Jinx has a twin brother Aegis, hes the opposite of Jinx, a hero, no-nonsense, his powers is to create shields, i made him after i made Jinx, but using the base i made for Jinx

Aegis is Bisexual and up for poly btw (i even thought about making him date the leader of the heroes and the leader of the villains just for the shits and giggles,)

Jinx lives with their brother (Aegis is older by 2 minutes ["best 2 minutes of my life" lol], cause their parents kicked Jinx out at 18, and Aegis was disgusted by that, so he lived with Jinx

Jinx didnt get much attention as a child, so that's why they're what they're like today, he has flair, a loud voice, just so that they get attention,

also, Jinx had to mostly fend for themself as a child, and they were given almost no supervision, since their parents gave Aegis more attention and training, believing that AEgis was more fit to be a superhero, so Jinx could do whatever, really, so they ate a lot of candy, thus giving themselves a sweet tooth. This is also why Jinx is childish, they wasn't allowed to be a child back then so their allowing themselves to be a child

Also, im starting to wonder if Jinx does have a label on what side they're on, like, anti-heroes, to my research, do bad things for good. Anti-villains do good things for bad stuff, so I don't know if Jinx does have a side, cause they just do their own thing, sometimes joining the villains, sometimes joining the heroes, sometimes being an annoyance to both, so like, they're undecided i guess?? (Kinda like they're gender, it switches lol) Lemme look something up real quick...i guess JInx is like a rogue?

Also, Jinx, having no side, maybe has a lair of their own, a small one though, I've been thinking maybe a candy shop? Like, there's a basement of operations down there, and there's a candy shop up top?

Also, Jinx is Chaotic Lawful (or lawful chaotic), where they have a moral code, no one knows what it is though, but thank goodness its there

At first, i wanted to make Jinx have a double life as Casey, but then the more i thought about casey and their stories, it kinda spiraled into casey becoming their own character,

Now, onto Casey!!! Doing this cause he inspired a TON of characters

Caseys a trans man (aka ftm,), and has transitioned now.

He's a tired photographer and journalist (online), goes to college, engineering, he lives with his brother, Ryan Thompson (or Velocity as his hero name), also lives with his brother

Casey is Ryans adopted little brother, Caseys parents are Lady Luck and Mr. Misfortune (idk if i should give him siblings he was separated from)

So pretty much Casey has terrible and Amazing luck, they don't cancel each other out

This is pretty much where chaos happens around casey, but casey somehow gets out unharmed, which is great for his Photography and Journalism blog cause he usually stumbles into super fights!

Also, Caseys like, the go-to kidnapping victim for the villains, where they kidnap him a lot (they don't hurt him, cause i think I'm leaning more into comedy in my world ), and the heroes save him a lot, this led to him knowing a lot about both sides, also, once, Casey got out of his binds when the villains kidnapped him and left him, and instead of escaping, he takes pictures of the lair first, and gets out, and then proceeded to post the pictures and compliment the villain's style.

Also, Casey usually doesnt talk, mostly to people he doesn't know that much, if he's with Ryan or anyone he's really comfortable with, he will not shut up, showing them pictures, stuff he made using engineering, etc.

Also, every character inspired by Casey (like, they first started out as, haha, what if Casey was ___) has a white streak on their hair, so if you see an OC of mine with a white streak, you know what that means!

Now, Dr. Wilde!!

As you know, Dr. Wilde is a crazy scientist!

Dr. Wilde allows Lumi to call him Ezra (at first Lumi called him Dr. Ezra, but as they got more close Lumi started to call him Ezra, like a friend)

Casey has interviewed Dr. Wilde at some point, and even took pictures of his lab, and Casey has taken care of Tar once (picturing Tar and uploading to the internet how weird the rat is, and that once, the rat got in the oven while Casey was baking and it somehow survived)

Dr. Wilde has dyed Tar's fur a bit (haven't decided what color yet), just so that he can differentiate between the lab rats and Tar

Dr. Wilde's lab is right next to his room (which is like a house, having a kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, etc.),

Dr. Wilde rarely leaves his lab / room, as he isn't really interested in the outside world, and when he does leave, he brings Tar with him, and Tar is just perched over Dr. Wilde's shoulder

Dr. Wilde is pretty short, compared to other villains (i should make a height chart actually), where the villains tower over him

Dr. Wilde has green eyes, also, if you look at him, he WILL stare into your soul, no one has ever seen him blink,

Now, Onto Darian Knight / Eclipse!!

As you can see, Darian is inspired by casey,

Darian, at first, joined the heroes to spite his dad, who was a villain back then, but after a while, he did come to like being a hero

Darian joined when he was 18, and he's surprised people still think he's a villain

Solar Flare and Casey are the few people who believe he's a genuine hero, Solar Flare cause he's worked with Darian long enough to know he's being genuine, and Casey cause he interviewed anough people to know whats a lie and whats not, Lumi also knows Casey isn't a villain

Sunny Knight / Lumi!!

He joined the villains at 19, about the same time as Darian,

At home with their parents, Sunny and Darian are more civil, more sibling-like,

In the battlefield, Sunny and Darian try to incapacitate each other than hurt, since, yknow, they're siblings. But they don't fight in the battlefield much, since sometimes Sunny and Darian converse, and the hereos and villains think that Sunny and Darian are teaming up and switching sides (Darian to villains and Sunny to heroes),

Also, Lumi joined the villains just because he could, and it looked fun

i dont have much on newer OC's lol, since i havent fleshed them out much lol

I also have a few more OC's i haven't talked about / fleshed out that much, like they're just an idea, but not a person yet.

Like uhh

Viz:

Theyre a hero with high anxiety, but despite having anxiety, and knowing he would get attention, interviews, etc. He still decides to be a hero, since to him, its the right thing to do. I still haven't showed them yet cause 1. i haven't drawn them yet, 2. with anxiety like them, i want to make sure i represent them well and make them realistic and that i don't make them like a stereotype

Starlight / Adrian Celeste:

Hes a self absorbed egocentric hero, and he's vain, he's kinda a joke hero i thought about, where like, he's self absorbed to the point its funny, hes still nice though, he doesn't show it much though, since he doesn't want to seem vulnerable and stuff. a simple backstory I thought about is that he was put down back then when he was young, so to make himself more confident, he started to compliment himself, and other stuff, but then it quickly spiraled put of control, and now hes like this. He also carries a mirror with himself at all times, just to admire himself, and his mirror in his room has sticky note surrounding where his face would be, and it says "perfect" "amazing" etc. also, he can glow, heal, teleport, and kinda has the ability to see the future (in like a vague way, like, he sees the stars and can sense something in the future, but its just really vague)

Jester / R.J. Santos: (Civilian name im not sure on yet)

Theyre a villain, a non serious villain, think like a cartoon villain, a goofy villain, they dont do any harm, just there to have fun. they also wanted to name themselves Jester Jinx, but since Jinx already had the name, they were okay with going with just Jester. Also, he's filipino. Also, he cares for young heroes (being an impromptu dad himself [long story where a kid of a hero wanted to be a villain, but the parent wanted them to be a hero, so the kid ran away, and got to casey, and casey took care of them and helped them be a villain {the kids, actually a teen, like 16, the teen is names Shadowstrike and their civilian name is Micheal, they hate the name by the way},]), and once, casey saw that the heroes were sending young heroes to his base to defeat him, and Casey doesn't spot a singular a singular adult there, so he makes the young heroes (teens and even kids) sit down and stuff, and then he calls the heroes (he has their number cause they're usually on good terms), and yells at them over the phone for sending kids to a villain, and that they could've gotten hurt, and he gets so angry he starts shouting in filipino. Also! R.J. has a big family (based off my family), where his great grandma had 12 kids, and those kids (his grandparents and grand aunties and uncles) had kids (about 3 each), his aunties and uncles, and they have kids as well (about 3-5), his cousins and such, and his cousins had children as well, R.J. tries to remember them all by name, but its pretty hard, cause like, he has about

...

three- three thousand, three thousand family members?! Uhm, hold on i gotta ask my mom something about my family, or my dad since that family is on his side

Oh thank god, i only have 106 family members,

uh, so like, new and revised family tree!

my famly is gonna be R.j's family (cause holy fuck no way am i writing 3 thousand family members , J.C.) that's whats R.J's family is gonna be, 106 family members,

Anyways, ive been doing okay-ish! Could be better, but could be worse XP (lets just say the AO3 author curse is real). And i think of things that exist are poggers.

[sintiva]

thinking about camgirl!reader with Eren and Armin,,,,

eren- bro,,,look at her *link to OF* 🫣

armin- what is it?,,,

eren- just open it😐

armin- why?🤨

eren- hurry up n open it 🙄

armin- *opens the link* 👀

'fulling my cunt with fake cum cause i wanna be someone's breeding whore'

reader is using a 7in silicone dildo with fake cum and a syringe, pushing it in as deep as possible and pulling out slowly. with her head against a pillow she moans out "please- want it", her hips rise off the bed as she pushes some the syringe up a bit.

"let me have it, all of it" she's breathing heavily as she tease and edges herself. she's at her breaking point when she stops all movement and takes the toy out completely.

she lets out an annoyed laugh through closed teeth, "love and hate this so much" she says as she sits up still breathing heavily. she lifts the toy up to her lips and licks some of her slick from the head, looking dead in the camera she says "would you believe me if i said im a virgin?"

eren- you good? 😃

armin- no way she's a virgin 🫤

eren- idk but if she is,,, imagine how she feels

armin- i want her first

eren- hell no, im taking that for myself

armin- threesome? we gotta go at the same time tho 🤷🏼

eren- fine, but her pussy is mine

armin- that's cool, want her mouth first,,,look at her lips. wonder how that tongue feels licking up from my balls to head🫠

eren- don't talk like that,,,wanna fill up her ass and plug it then go to her pussy 😩

armin- she dose anal???

eren- yea bro

armin- gonna eat your cum from her ass,,,make her cum from getting her ass ate, plus your cum as a treat

eren- my cum has to stay in her ass bro

armin- dp?

eren- idk if she can take the both of us,,,all her toys are more long then thick 🫣

armin- then im taking her ass,,,after i eat it of course 🫡

eren- whatever 🙄

reader flips over and sits on her knees showing off the jem end butt plug, looking at the camera reader rubs the dildo between her glossy folds. the tip of the toy catching her clit making her thighs shake a little "i could cum from this alone" she says and pushes the toy inside her sloppy pussy. she moans and uses her feet to push against the bed a bit, her hand guides the toy at a slow pace so she won't cum immediately.

"faster please, I need it" she pants. she uses her hips and pushes back into the toy, her breaking point is coming faster then she wanted to admit. she pulls the toy out and again through closed teeth she laughs, more angry then annoyed this time.

"fuck, fuck, fuck! i wanna cum, please let me cum"

armin- she's cute when she's desperate 😮‍💨

eren- she's always cute. idk why she edges so much if she knows it's gonna make her mad tho 😑

armin- i like it,,,

eren- whore.

armin- slut.

reader shoves the toy back into her cunt, pushing and pulling the toys as fast as she can. her mouth is open but no noise escapes, her eyes are rolled back, and her toes are curled.

she bites her lip and use her other hand to push on the syringe, all the cum is pushed inside her but she keeps fucking herself in the toy. hips rised off the bed, moving her legs apart so she can feel every inch, and she's cumming. toes curl and uncurl, thighs shake, toy still moving as she rides out her high.

she stops. letting her hips fall to the bed she removes the toy, all the cum flooding out of her making a mess of the bed. her hand flys to her ass and she pulls out the plug, more cum flooding out to join the cum leaving her pussy.

she sits up and shakes her head to collect herself, she laughs and turn to the camera. her fingers find there way to her pussy as she shows off the mess she made of her cunt. licking the cum from her fingers, she smiles and says "that was fun:)"

eren & armin- i need her.

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Why did I make this instead of writing for my own blog? 🤷🏿‍♀️ The world may never know~

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

- (⁠ ͡⁠°⁠ᴥ⁠ ͡⁠°⁠ ⁠ʋ⁠)

(act like I'm on anon)

the way how….. the way how i-

JANNANAAN PLSSS S, THIS IS THEM….

ANA START FUCKING WRITING. you have so many ideas that i just know you could execute THE HELL