#whatever i should start tagging this type of stuff differently from my other random rambles anyway

[s0dabeach]

making myself stressed to the point of losing sleep over irrational catastrophizing superstitious thoughts but making sure to do the cuckoo finger gesture at the camera so the viewers know i know how ridiculous i'm being

[pocket-void]

Some Stuff About Marcus Pt.1

Alright, I’m finally gonna talk about Marcus in more depth for a lil bit because honestly the more I think about him the more I want to talk about him. So I’m gonna do just that! Both for fun and to get some stuff out of my creative system. ^///^

So let’s start with the man himself, shall we?

Marcus

Marcus is my personal version of the mysterious Orange side, and he’s more of an OC than a theory and I just really enjoy talking about him sometimes. So I do! I talk more about what he represents in this post (there’s also other miscellaneous scraps of info about him in the orange side tag), this one is gonna focus more on his exact relationship with each of the other sides (I always welcome more specific asks if you ever wanna know anything else! Since I’m very rambly and believe me when I say that I have answers to basically everything >///<). These are longer than I thought so I’m splitting it up...but if you’re still here, then strap in folks! u///u

Roman

Marcus doesn’t dislike Roman, but he’s not a big fan of him either. Theoretically they could have a better relationship but it’s hindered by a perception of Marcus that someone else had set a long time ago. (We’ll get to that)

One of the bigger reasons why Marcus and Roman don’t quite get along is simply due to their completely opposite levels of self respect. Roman is insecure and often unsure about his accomplishments and how others feel about him, while Marcus is too sure about his skills and how others perceive him. There are clear flaws to both.

In Marcus’ case, it’s made him incredibly stubborn and bitter as a result of being seen as a problem and not being able to do anything. It’s very difficult to convince him he’s wrong, and while he’s not dumb enough to think he’s right about everything, he gets more aggressive than necessary in the face of opposition at times. But more than anything Marcus is honest. He’s blunt and isn’t afraid of just stating how he feels to people, and Roman’s reluctance to do so really bugs him at times. In fact, he’s sometimes angry for him.

The fact that simple phrases can shatter Roman’s entire ego drives Marcus up walls, because if he were in his position he’d probably deck someone in the face right then and there. Being insulted? Getting what he fears most spat at him like venom? Marcus would never stand for that. Beyond that he’s also mad for the people who care about Roman. Why can’t he believe them? Can’t he see how much he’s cared about? How worried people are? Does he really? Marcus thinks that distrust and insecurity feels like an insult to them.

The thing about Marcus is that he’s been through being branded bad and evil. He’s still the bad guy in a couple of ways. He’ll play the bad guy if he has to. He’s over it, though not quite over it as he’d like to be... In a way, he’s also envious of Roman. Roman is important. The others do actually love him. And deep down, Marcus also respects the things he does and doesn’t want him to be crippled by his self doubt because what the two have in common is passion. A drive and determination to do the things they want, and to achieve the goals they aim for. It’s just a shame that their relationship is soured by their general perceptions of each other.

Marcus also just isn’t big on theatrics, but that’s because he uh, can’t see. He likes to make fun of Roman just like anybody else in casual conversation and only ever refers to him as “Red”, “Princey”, or on occasion “Ruby”. He jokingly takes Roman’s threats seriously when they quip, and while they never actually get into fights, Roman is aware that Marcus will actually throw down.

At the end of the day, Marcus wants Roman to consider himself his own hero. He doesn’t understand Roman’s need to keep up an image because he’s never had an image to live up to, let alone anyone who'd look to him for inspiration. Whether Roman likes him or not doesn’t really matter to him, he doesn’t care about people who’ve made up their minds about him and are too set in certain ways of thinking.

Which is hypocrisy at its finest, but we’re not there yet.

Janus

Right off the bat, they do not get along. Which you might find kind of odd, considering they’re both under the umbrella of “dark side”. The truth is, they’re tentative colleagues at best. Hilariously Logan probably gets along with Janus better than Marcus does, and there are a couple very fair reasons behind this.

On the one hand, they both agree on doing things for the “self” (Which in their case is c!Thomas). They both agree that the self should be the most important person in one’s life, and will do whatever it takes to protect it. However, the biggest difference between them is the methods they go about doing so. And it’s here that Marcus’ righteous anger often clashes harshly with Janus’ need for self preservation. Marcus doesn’t lie, he doesn’t see the need to. If he wants something, he’ll do it. If he believes something, he’ll say it. He does it because he knows he’s right, and that’s what matters. Obviously this would cause a lot of problems in real life if you actually are that blunt 24/7, and in those cases Janus has to reign him in quite a bit.

Marcus is fundamentally reckless, brash, and prone to getting carried away if not kept in check, which makes him kind of a danger to Thomas’ wellbeing at times. The thing is, both of them are aware of this. Which is actually why Marcus isn’t as spiteful about stepping down as he could be. He knows that he can do more harm than good if he ever steps out of bounds. This won’t stop him from feeling like his input would infinitely accelerate certain debates, and on a personal level he does still feel like he has the right to fight for that recognition, but he doesn’t because he’s not dumb enough to actively cause harm to others for the sake of himself. It’s not what he wants. What he will and often does do however, is do things that end with him getting hurt in the end. Maybe the reason he disagrees with Janus so much is because his own sense of self preservation is surprisingly poor.

A mildly exaggerated analogy I like to think about is that: If under any circumstance the two of them would have to plot revenge, Janus would focus more on personal safety and Marcus would focus more on personal vindication. Marcus has zero qualms about actually throwing hands, no matter the resulting physical consequence (If his scars were any indication) which Janus would 100% be against. Imagine the consequences of a physical confrontation! Absolutely not. Snake man would prefer more subtle and manipulative tactics, and would probably prefer to frame someone without being implicated himself if possible. They usually compromise, but always butt heads one way or another.

In casual conversation, Marcus is more snarky to Janus than anything. They trade sarcastic remarks often and tend to be a lil snippy, but they often agree on similar points? But also insist that they don’t get along, which is pretty funny. Marcus calls Janus “Yellow” or “Snake”, and sometimes a few yellow flower names like “Tansy” or “Marigold”.

Remus

Would it come as a surprise if I said these two actually get along ok? Think about it: They’re both blunt, forthcoming with their ideas (As wild as Remus’ are), and are at times prone to violence. They’re both seen as “bad” and both have experienced being forcefully repressed one way or another. They kind of just vibe on a similar plane of existence if I’m honest with you. More than that however, both are relatively accepting of themselves, Remus more so than Marcus actually. There are some things Orange unfortunately still has to come to terms with.

On a casual level, they probably can do some pretty reckless and dumb things together. Marcus respects anybody with self confidence really, and the way Remus just owns being the garbage man he is definitely gets a pass in his book. It doesn’t mean they never disagree though. In a lot of ways, Marcus is still tied to logic, and Remus’ chaotic nature isn’t always suited to how he works. They conflict the most when it’s time to put the chips down and actually get things done. Remus totally does his best to bug the hell out of him too, much to his chagrin. He makes it pretty clear how he feels about it, but the duke isn’t fazed. Tackle the blind man, he dares you.

Marcus isn’t exactly good with creative input, it’s not his function. In fact, he himself is actually locked in a very specific type of world view from his experiences over the years. It’s not intentional, he just tends to grow irrational when he gets too heated. Sometimes he forgets to take his hand out of the fires that burn him, and it inevitably comes at a detriment to himself. Remus has the capacity to make him incredibly furious under bad circumstances, and if they aren’t careful he might actually act upon dangerous suggestions that Remus just casually suggests. If Remus is the voice behind intrusive thoughts, Marcus is the impulse that actually acts upon them. He won’t, obviously, but spite and anger can push people to do rash things. They both know better than that of course, but it’s a possibility that will never go away.

Marcus calls Remus “Green”, though he also refers to him by odd green things sometimes like “moss” or “seaweed”. I like to imagine the two of them going off and smashing up random things to blow off steam/just for fun. But that’s just me. u///u

---

If you’re still reading then thank you??? This is honestly more self indulgent than anything, but I just have way too much stuff I could talk about and it needs to go somewhere akjbefkaefk.

I shall talk about the rest in Part 2 perhaps. o///o

[thekidultlife]

I Want Your Midnights | Lee Jihoon

 Pairing: Jihoon x fem!reader

⍟ AU: Idol AU (?)

⍟ Genre: Fluff, a bit of angst on the side

⍟ Warnings: -

⍟ Word Count: 4.3k

⍟ A/N: Alright I know you guys are already sick of me just posting Jihoon fics, but it’s my birthday today, so just...humor me pls. This is almost a self-indulgent fic;;; I’ll be tagging @nrhfzh​ and all those jihoon stans who sent anons last time!!

(this should be posted on Friday which is Leanne’s schedule, but we decided she won’t post anything this week and I won’t post next Moday;;;) 

btw, the song featured here is New Year’s Day by Taylor Swift. I recommend you listen to that song while reading this skkssk  

-Hyeri

It was like an ordinary night. Like any night that you have spent before and will spend more in the future. Nothing extraordinary could be noted in particular between you and Lee Jihoon as you both sat eating in the quiet and privacy of his studio, between out of place candles and almost empty chicken buckets. It was as normal as a night can be.

Yet at the same time, in your own little way, it was also special.

Not being overly expressive with your love for each other, subtle gestures and acts of love screamed more than a thousand words could ever do. It never felt lacking or boring or empty like people thought it would be. In fact, your relationship was an adventure, even barely starting, it had been an uphill battle, and you both knew that. 

As you came back from the comfort room  washing your hands, you made a small scheming grin at your boyfriend who was still gobbling up the last remains of his chicken wing. Taking notice of that, he glanced at you with a smirk of his own. 

"I know that look. What are you planning?" He asked as you sat across him, your arms folded confidently. 

"Are you done eating?" You replied, watching him with a childish cheekiness in you. 

"Well yeah," he dusted off the crumbs on his shirt with an innocent look. "What are you thinking though?" 

With a coquettish smile, you stood up from your seat and went to his side. "Nothing really. Though I do want you to close your eyes and trust me."

Jihoon glanced at you with a bewildered look at first, wondering what you were scheming again this time, but when he saw that mischievous glint in your eyes, he knew it was something he shouldn't really worry about and simply chuckled at you. 

"Fine, but don't do any funny business!" He finally agreed as he closed his eyes and waited for you. 

He could hear you walking away and some wheels rolling. "I've never done any funny business." You denied teasingly. 

He scoffed, even with his eyes closed. "Yeah right. Except that time when you drew on my face when I was drunk!" 

He knew you were making an incredulous expression right now.

"C'mon! I was just trying to see what you would look like with a mustache," you laughed, walking towards him and reaching for his hands. "Don't open your eyes yet. I promise I won't draw a third eye on your forehead this time." 

"Please don't. And please stop sharing meme faces of me to the other members. My reputation as vocal boss is on the line," he retorted back with a toothy grin as you chuckled, guiding him somewhere in the room.

"Can't promise that, Ji. I like my status as the official Lee Jihoon meme distributor," you replied, making him laugh out loud at how ridiculous that title was, before the both of you stopped walking. "You can sit now. I promise there's a chair to catch your butt." 

For a while he feared that there really wasn't any chair for him to sit on, yet when he felt the soft foam of his swivel chair, he relaxed for a bit and sat down. Turning the chair around before you backed away, you allowed him to finally open his eyes. As soon as his sight came back, he was greeted by the image of you sitting in front of the electric keyboard with a soft smile on your lips. 

"I can't promise you my voice or my playing would be up to your standards, but just…it's the thought that counts right?" You suddenly rambled, giggling. 

Blinking, Jihoon was still processing what you were planning until it dawned on him the next second. "Are….are you going to sing me a song?" 

You smiled at him bashfully. "Yeah, though I wish it was a song that I made myself, but I guess I'll put my feelings into somebody else's words for now. So you better listen."

Gazing into your eyes, he could sense the sincerity deep in you. You were someone who wouldn't make an effort just for the sake of being romantic. Everything you do for him meant something and was done with great consideration, he understood that, that's why right now, he could feel his heart swell with emotion. 

A gentle smile on his lips, Jihoon leaned back. "I'll listen. Don't worry, I won't judge." 

“You promised that, okay?” With a sheepish grin, you turned your attention back to the piano and placed your fingers on the correct chords. 

With a small nervous breath, you began playing.

"There's glitter on the floor after the party

Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby…"

Soft chords accentuate your raw and amateur voice. It didn't need to be technically perfect, the genuine emotions which surfaced on your voice reflected beauty in Jihoon's ears. It didn't need to be perfect, but it was real. He always loved that about you. Your brutal honesty, the unapologetic optimism you had. It gives him strength to look forward to another day.

He remembered as he watched your fingers dance on the keys, the first time you met. It wasn't that special. He just saw you on the internet as he monitored his own social media presence, posting stuff about Seventeen and what not. He found your comments funny, your reactions interesting, that he found himself going through your posts every day. He knew he'd love to be your friend if he could. 

Yet being an idol wasn't easy. You were so close yet so far away. It wasn’t as easy as typing the words ‘hey i wanna be your friend’ to just another person. His name held weight and Jihoon knew that. With his workload and all the responsibilities he had in his hands, he just couldn’t tell you what he felt. As he listened to your voice reverberating with the acoustics of his studio, he remembered how it took him years to finally stir up the courage and to finally see the opportunity to talk to you. 

He was glad he did. If he hadn’t, his heart wouldn’t feel as full as it has been since he met you. 

“If you’re really Woozi of Seventeen, then post a picture of yourself in Weverse and in the captions write what’s the last anime you’ve watched.” Jihoon remembered you telling him over chat, it was nerve-wracking back then but it felt silly now. Of course, you can’t just trust a random person claiming himself to be an idol. There were a lot of those these days.

“Let’s be friends first,” you wrote to him with a heart and a smiley face emoji back then. “I want to get to know you.” 

“Don't read the last page, but I stay when you're lost and I'm scared and you're turning away…”

Jihoon gazed at you, even then and until now, you were still beautiful in his eyes. No matter how many songs he’d composed about you, the emotions that reside in his chest would never run dry. The way you laugh, the way you talk, the way you’d do just about anything—he only had you in his eyes. Yet things weren’t always roses and butterflies. 

You were so frustrated at him at that time when he had gotten scared of his own emotions. Jihoon knew, deep inside, that he had grown to love you over chats on SNS; your witty sarcasm and wonderful conversations were like water and sunlight to the love growing, rooting deeper and deeper into his heart. 

He wasn’t unfamiliar to this feeling, yet he had been betrayed by this same emotion in the past  and he wished he’d never had to be again this time. He was frightened that you could easily leave him, broken and empty, like the others did. Admittingly, he had lost hope for a love that was unconditional. He didn’t believe that there would be anyone out there who could love him wholeheartedly as much as he did, even through his flaws and his mistakes. 

But you suddenly popped into his life, unaware of how much power you hold over him. 

“You annoy me so much!” you told him over one fateful video call. “Jihoon, I feel so confused, you know? What am I really to you? Do you want to be just friends or do you want something more? If you want to stay as friends, then fine! I won’t force you. But that doesn’t mean I’d wait for you forever when you’re ready to take this to another step.”

He didn’t enjoy fighting with you. Not at all. Yet he was scared and stuck and didn’t know what to do. Being more meant more risks of hurting you unintentionally.

“But I can’t decide, Y/N! Dating means people will talk, and I don’t want them to talk about you! But I can’t just make everything I feel about you disappear!” he replied, and you were taken aback. “But if letting you go is the price I have to pay for your peace, then I don’t mind hurting.” 

Tears were already threatening to slide down your cheeks, and if only you knew how much it pained him to see you like that back then. To hear you trip on your words, to hold back small sobs as you tried to find coherent words to keep the conversation going, it felt like a thousand knives piercing through him. 

“Stop that…please. Do you think I won’t feel anything when you say that?” you replied. “Jihoon, I can understand where you’re coming from but don’t ever think that you’re the only one carrying this relationship, or whatever this is. For this to work, you have to share your burdens with me, you have to trust me, to depend on me.”

“I know that all your life, you’re used to doing everything by yourself, and I’m no different. We’ve achieved so many things just by ourselves. But we can’t be like this forever. A relationship isn’t just you or just me. It’s us both. So lean on me, let me carry those heavy feelings and I’d do the same with you. I want this to work, Jihoon. I don’t want to give up.”

Even if it was only through some shitty PC screen that he could see you, it didn’t diminish the weight of those words. He could feel it back then, he could still feel it right now as you played on the piano, singing a simple song—you were the one he wanted, tomorrow and forevermore.

“You squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi, I can tell that it's going to be a long road…”

Jihoon would forever be thankful for you. Everything that you did for him, even if unintentionally on your part. He couldn’t admit how much he appreciates you in his life—through early morning calls when you were still far apart, and now through your warm presence in his studio as he worked.

“I’m considering moving there in the next year or so,” you suddenly told him over a phone call as you did your work. “Now that I’m breaking through the Korean webcomic scene, I think it’s better to stay close to my audience. And I think it’s better that we can finally be together, geographically at least.”

He could still remember it as fresh as that day. His heart began beating so fast, a wide grin broke out on his lips. He was worried that it’ll be too much for you to handle, but he had learned as your relationship progressed, that you’re someone who doesn’t get pushed back by hurdles so easily. Besides, you had him. 

Jihoon was glad that he can now keep you closer more than ever.

It wasn’t easy, like everything else in life. But there was nothing the both of you couldn’t handle. It took so much silence and deception to hide your relationship from the public—a decision the both of you agreed upon long before. Jihoon knew that the both of you were private people, and more than anything, you didn’t want anyone to become privy to your intimate relationships. 

For the first time, in such a long time, Jihoon was able to hold you close. Gazing at you, at your real eyes, at that time, felt surreal. Jihoon always thought he knew almost everything about you, yet he had never anticipated that there were still a lot of things about you which he hadn’t discovered yet. 

He never had thought how warm your touch was, how bright your grin was when you were scheming some prank, how loud your voice got when you were so passionate about something, how soft your lips were when you finally kissed for the first time. No matter how much technology brought you two together, nothing compared to actual, real life affection shared between lovers. 

“I'll be there if you're the toast of the town babe or if you strike out and you're crawling home...”

Jihoon remembers, as you sang, how you silently embraced him on nights when he felt the world was too heavy on his shoulders. You wouldn’t say anything to him until he would open up; patiently waiting as you tapped an irregular beat on his back. As easily as that, you’d erase all the stress that he had accumulated over time. 

You didn’t need to say anything grand or moving, or make all of his problems disappear. Your simple gestures were already enough. You were already enough for him. 

“I don’t deserve you, Y/N,” he whispered to you one night as he buried his face on your shoulder. “You’re everything that I want, but I’m not sure if I’m giving you everything that you want.”

You giggled, sighing as you brushed your fingers through his newly dyed hair. 

“You don’t have to worry, Jihoon. You’ve given me so much that you never even realized it.”

He pouted, not liking how vague you were. “Like what?”

“Aren’t you just conveniently forgetting how many songs you’ve written for me?” you replied, a smirk on your lips as you twirled a lock of his around your finger. 

“But…those are just songs! It’s not as special as the things you’ve done for me…”

“Don’t underestimate them, Ji,” you told him as you pulled back, cupping his cheeks and looking into his eyes. “I know how important music is to you, how it’s an extension of your feelings, and to be a part of it is something I’d consider meaningful.”

For a moment, Jihoon gazed at you; his eyes holding so much emotion. There it was that he knew—he was truly, deeply, madly in love with you. 

“Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you…”

Feeling a strong urge, he leaned into you, capturing your lips into a deep and passionate kiss. Everything, everything that he felt for you at that time, he poured into that kiss, making you gasp for air. You cling to him for support, wholly surprised at his sudden intensity, yet not unwelcome at all. 

As the both of you pulled away, Jihoon once again returned to your arms, allowing himself to be vulnerable before you. 

“I truly don’t deserve you,” he whispered on your shoulder.. 

“After that incredible kiss?” you teased, “Statement denied.” 

Jihoon groaned and you chuckled.

“I know you’re overthinking again, so I’ll say it clearly. You’re more than I ever wanted, Lee Jihoon.”

You paused, patting his head, tightening your arms around him.

“Whenever you call just to check up on me despite your busy schedule, whenever you share funny stories about the members, whenever you act cute and pouty when I ask you to do aegyo for me…what else…?”

He grunted disapprovingly at your comment and you giggled. “I don’t act cute.”

“You do, you know? You’re naturally and inherently cute,” you replied. “You’re cute when you make ramyeon for me even when I just eat the noodles, you’re cute when you offer to hold my bag or open the door for me, or when you insist on paying for dinner, and you’re so cute when you hold me close whenever I feel down and insecure about myself and my work.”

Jihoon was silent, his cheeks burning with embarrassment. He thought you didn’t really catch on those little things he did, but he had underestimated your memory and your powers of observation.

“There’s a lot more I can say, you know? I should make a list for you and maybe stick it on your desk whenever you begin to question yourself again.”

He snorted. “No, thank you. The members would see it and I don’t want them to.” 

“I’ll do it when you annoy me,” you joked, despite your words. “Now, I hope I’ve reassured your worries for tonight.” 

Snuggling against your shoulder, Jihoon smiled. “Yeah, thank you.”

“Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere…”

As your words fell like chants into his ears, Jihoon was mesmerized by the image of you singing, his eyes wandering. A bitter memory relapsed into his mind, and a reminder that not everything was golden in your paradise. 

It was a cold January night, snow had finally ceased falling at one in the morning. The both of you were inside his studio just like normal; a habit the two of you took comfort in. He was holding your hand tight, keeping it warm with his hands in his pocket, as you scrolled on your phone.

For a while, it felt normal. The sounds of the clock ticking, the gentle thrumming of your heartbeat, the soft breaths you both shared. Yet, just like that, everything gradually became colder. It wasn’t the actual temperature, but your mood as he watched your expression turn from amused to a deadpan frown. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, kissing your temple. For some reason, he had developed a rather intuitive connection with you over time, where he can easily sense your change of moods despite your lack of expression.

You sighed as you looked up, leaning against him. He wondered if you were pondering on telling him the truth, or just keep your thoughts hidden. Before he could actually express to you his own thoughts, you sighed and nestled yourself on his shoulder, closing your eyes. 

“Jihoon, is this all a mistake?” you asked, your voice small. 

He blinked, furrowing his brow at the complex question. “What do you mean?” 

“I’ve read a few things online.”

It was a simple thing to say, yet Jihoon immediately knew what you were talking about. With a sigh, he adjusted his position where he could wrap his arms around you tightly. 

“People always talk, Y/N. We can’t do anything about it but continue living our own lives and ignore them.”

“But what if they reveal our relationship as a scandal and you’re forced to leave Seventeen? They could do that so easily, you know!” You asked with a weak voice, clinging to him tightly. “I don’t want that to happen. I’ll never let that happen, Jihoon!” 

“Then we’ll announce before they do,” he easily replied, brushing his fingers through your hair. “Have you forgotten how strong the relationship between Carats and Seventeen is? Of course, some will react negatively, but I know that they would be accepting.” 

Once more, Jihoon heard you sigh. “Sometimes I feel like I’m just being selfish by being with you. A lot of people look up to you, Ji, and they all want a piece of your world. I don’t want to be possessive of you but sometimes I just question myself, like what if this is wrong? What if this was a mistake?” 

Gazing into your eyes, Jihoon felt all of your concerns. It was already given that dating an idol would be hard, and moments of weakness like these could make your anxieties grow into deeper, darker shadows. 

“It’s gonna be weird for me to say this but it’s ok to be selfish,” he told you, his words firm and certain. “Oh god, how do I say this…but look, Y/N, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be with me. We’re a couple, and that’s normal. There’s nothing wrong with being a couple.”

“But you’re an idol! If they knew, people would say a lot of bad things about you, and I don’t want that!”

“No matter how many times they say I’m an idol, I’m a human being, first and foremost, and just like everybody else, I have my own personal life which doesn’t revolve around my job. People will always say a lot of bad things about me no matter what I do, but what’s important to me is that I have you by my side, I have everyone by my side. So don’t ever think that this is wrong. You and I are never wrong. Who are they to judge what is wrong or right for me when they don’t know who I am?”

Jihoon realized that after his speech, you turned silent, and instead buried yourself deeper against his chest. 

“You’re important to me, Y/N. What other people say doesn’t matter to me anymore. As long as you’re here with me, I’m able to do anything.”

In a quiet voice, Jihoon caught your words. “Thank you for this, Ji…”

“But I stay when it's hard or it's wrong or we’re making mistakes…”

There was always a strange quality to time whenever he was with you. Sometimes time would slow down, sometimes it would pass by in just a blink of an eye. As he began to reminisce instead of actually listening, he realized just how much time had passed between the both of you.

“I want your midnights, but I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day…”

On that certain night, when the both of you were wrapped between sheets, when the bright lights of Seoul reflected on the stark white ceiling, when you were tangled in each others arms, listening to your own fast paced heartbeats after a long night, he remembers you pulling him close, brushing stray locks from his face. 

“Jihoon...” you whispered under your breath, your fingers tracing circles on his cheekbones then down his jaw and to his lips. “You’re very handsome, did you know that?” 

He smirked at you, placing a chaste kiss on your lips. “What? You still haven’t gotten enough?”

In an instant your face heated up as you hit his toned chest playfully, making Jihoon laugh. “Ehh...! Don’t mention that now!” 

As his devious eyes turned soft, he smiled at you, wrapping his arms around your waist. “What is it then?”

You sighed, gazing at the ceiling. “I just thought that someday, I know, things wouldn’t be this way anymore.The spark wouldn’t be as strong as before, the butterflies will eventually disappear. Things would become mundane between us...” 

There was a melancholic tone in your words; a detail which hadn’t escape his attention. Yet Jihoon knew that what you were talking about was reality. As the both of you would eventually be consumed by work, by responsibilities, by day to day obligations, it wasn’t a far off thought that the way you felt for each other would turn dim. He knew that, and he feared it. 

“But, you know...” you continued, breaking him away from his own thoughts. “Even if that happens, I’m not scared. Even if love do fail us someday, I’m confident that we would still be together, that we can still fix it. Rather than lovers who’re friends, we’re friends who became lovers. Even if you and I will eventually drift off, we still have a strong friendship. And we can rebuild everything from there.” 

Jihoon oftentimes wondered how you’re able to get these epiphanies. Your mind was deep and thoughtful, and that was one of the things he loved about you. Conversations with you were never dull as you bounced off ideas at one another. You would always say well-said ideas, often describing how he feels better than he ever will. 

“I want to share exciting things with you, Jihoon. I want to be helplessly all over you. I want to feel aroused, flustered, or dying of laughter. But when things get boring or nothing is really happening, or when we have to face bills, chores, or responsibilities, I’ll stay with you.”

A hundredfold, you were better at making him feel loved. He admits that. 

“You know, sometimes, I wonder what I’ve done in my past life for you to choose me,” he replied, a wide grin plastered on his face. “You’re everything that I could ever ask for, Y/N. Even if you don’t have to, you still take care of me so much. I swear I’ll make you happy even if I have to walk through fire or sleep on nails.”

“I don’t think that’ll make me very happy,” you replied, grinning. “But...wanna know what else that could make me happy?” 

Jihoon arched an elegant brow at you, his lips curving into a smirk. Ah yes, he definitely knows. “I was absolutely right when I said you still haven’t had enough.” 

“Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you…”

Thinking of how much time has passed, how much the two of you had been through, almost left him in tears. The memories the both of you shared over the years was incredible that it was hard to let them go. 

As he watched you finally sing the last few seconds of the song, Jihoon was sure that this moment would become another beautiful memory he would reminisce about one day in the future. It filled his heart, thinking about a pleasant future with you. A long time ago he had sang a song—doubting what kind of future was in store for him, yet now he already knows that it was something bigger, more beautiful that he had ever expected.

“Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you…”

As the final chord resounded across the room, both your eyes met in soft glances. You smiled at him, the sweetest, most loving smile you could ever muster, and then finally sang:

“...And I will hold on to you.”

Allowing the note to dissipate and disappear, you then turned to Jihoon with a bashful smile on your lips. “Well? Did you like your surprise?” 

Already a blushing mess, Jihoon simply burst out giggling as you looked at him in confusion. 

“Ya! Why are you laughing?” you exclaimed as you sulked, pulling on the sleeve of his shirt. 

Still chuckling, he stood up, pulling you towards his arms as he captured you in a tight embrace. He felt at peace with you more than anywhere. 

As it was apparent to you that he was in a rather good mood, you made a bemused smile as you wrapped your arms around him, also laughing on your own. 

“What’s gotten into you now?” You asked as he pulled away, now able to gaze into your eyes. 

“Nothing. I just thought you’re absolutely cute,” he replied as he cupped your cheeks, squishing them much to your chagrin. 

“Seriously, Jihoon! Why’re you so happy?” 

“Am I not allowed to be happy now?” he replied, his eyes turning into crescents. 

You raised your brows at him with a grin. “You like my song, didn’t you?”

“And what if I did? It was a really nice song, you know.”

This time, it was your turn to burst out into giggles. It was hilarious how Jihoon was being so roundabout with admitting that he liked it; it was incredibly adorable. 

“You’re so cute, Hoonie~” 

It was no secret that he doesn’t appreciate being cooed at, as he made a small frown upon hearing your nickname for him.

“Now I don’t think I’m so happy anymore.”

“Oh c’mon!” You hit his chest lightly with a chuckle. “Tell me what you really think about it!”

His eyes filled to the brim with endearment for you, Jihoon stared into your eyes, trying to communicate how much he was so thankful that you entered his life. 

“I like it. I love it, Y/N,” he replied, caressing your cheek. “It made me remember everything we’ve been through, and how much we’ve grown together.”

“And we’ll continue to the next year and in the future. Thank you for giving me your midnights, Jihoon.”

“My midnights would always be yours, as you will always be my mornings,” he gave you another embrace, embedding the feel of your skin against his, the way your hair brushes through his hands, the sound of your voice and the your scent—he will burn them all into his head so he won’t ever forget how much he loves you. 

There were so many words that he could say so he could just express how he was thankful that you became a part of his life, yet none of them seemed fitting to say at that moment. Instead, as Jihoon finally decided upon, that it was best to leave them for future songs and say the words that he really wanted to say for such a long time now. 

“I love you.”

 -Hyeri

[oskea93]

Why Can’t I (2)

Hey guys! I just want to thank you all for reading this story! I greatly appreciate it. Please let me know what you think and if you would like to be tagged, let me know as well!!

WARNINGS: LANGUAGE

“Can we just stay here forever?”

The warm tropical sun beat down from the crystal-clear sky, baking those below it. “Let’s just move here and become island people.” Bryn spoke. “We can get jobs showing all the tourist around, maybe become bartenders or something.”

“Mmh.” I moaned out, repositioned myself on the towel I was laying in. “You only know how to drink alcohol. You don’t know how to serve it.” Bryn let out a scoff. “Plus, you love New York too much to leave.”

I lifted my sunglasses to the top of my head, shifting my body into a sitting position. We had been on the beach for almost three hours. Three hours of sunbathing and listening to Bryn ramble on about random things was getting to be a bit much. “Where you going?” She looked my way.

I brushed the sand off my legs as I stood up from my towel. “I’m gonna get a drink; Do you want one?” She nodded her head, telling me that she wanted a Tequila Sunrise. After waking up with a hangover and having no recollection of what happened last night, her first drink request of the day was a drink with two types of alcohol. “Maybe you should start off easy, like with a water.” I suggested. Her face contorted as if I had just insulted her. “You could get dehydrated and I really don’t feel like dragging your ass back to the hotel again. I’m pretty sure I pulled a back muscle or something from last night.”

I watched as she hastily turned over on her back, throwing both her arms over her head in dramatic fashion. “I want a Tequila Sunrise, dammit!” She exclaimed. The people around us once again looking in our direction. I rolled my eyes, pulling my sunglasses out of my hair and back onto my face. I didn’t bother telling her yes or no, simply walking off toward the bar. Of course, I was gonna get her the stupid drink. I didn’t feel like hearing her bitch and moan if brought her a back a bottle of Evian.

I made my way to the bar, taking a seat beside an older couple. The bartender was tending to the other patrons, giving me time to see what I wanted. I was never one to drink. I drank a few beers here and there, choosing not indulge in the hardcore stuff. Don’t get me wrong, there have been times where I’ve drank straight from a Johnnie Walker bottle, but I was usually having a bad day. “You know the Blue Lagoon is really good.”

I jumped at the sound of the voice, my head whipping around to see the owner. “You’re super jumpy.” Duff laughed, taking his seat beside me. I didn’t even see the older couple leave, allowing the seat to become vacant. “Maybe you just need a shot of Vodka.”

“Do you get some kind of thrill of sneaking up on people?” I asked annoyed. The smile stayed on his face as he shrugged his bare shoulders. I rolled my eyes, turning my attention back to the list of drinks.

“What can I get you, miss?” The bartender asked, placing cocktail napkins down on the bar in front of Duff and I.

“Can I just get a beer, please.” He nodded his head.

“You, sir?” His attention turned to Duff, who was in the middle of lighting a cigarette. I listened as Duff ordered a bottle of beer as well. The bartender moved away from where Duff and I were, retrieving two bottles of Red Stripe.

“Cheers!” Duff lifted his drink, waiting for me to do the same. I looked over at him, a small smile forming across my face. I let out a sigh, lifting my drink at the level of his. “Cheers.” A smirk formed across his face as he brought the bottle to his lips. I watched as he guzzled down the beer, his eyes never leaving mine. My heart started beating a little faster, a feeling of the unknown filling my veins. I barely knew this guy and he was having this kind of effect on me. My own fiancé never had this kind of effect of me and we’ve been together for almost two years. Any other guy I would have forgotten about. I would have forgotten their name, what they looked like, or that they even existed. I would just consider them some guy that I met at the bar, but Duff was different. I remembered his name after only meeting him for 20 minutes the night before. I remembered what he looked like. And I definitely remembered that he was real and that we were on the same, small island.

“So-” Duff began to speak, breaking me out of my thoughts. “What’s your plans for today, Molly?” My fake name rolled off his tongue as if he knew it was lie. “That’s not your name, is it?” He questioned, scooting closer to me. My heart was beating like a jackhammer at this point. He was so close that I could smell the scent of cigarettes, booze, and a certain cologne that I would eventually fall in love with. “No.” I replied softly. I turned my head to look back at the bar but his fingers curled under my chin, turning my head back to face him. If I was a cartoon character, my heart would have literally exploded out of my chest at this moment. Another scenario would be that I would just turn to a puddle of goo and fall to the floor.

“What’s your real name?” His fingers still hooked under my chin, his face even closer to mine. Any other girl would have slapped his hand away, probably throwing their drink in his face seeing how forward he was being, but I wasn’t like most girls. “Lauren.” I spoke. “Lauren Fredrick.” It was as if everyone at the bar had disappeared and it was just him and I.

The smirk from before reappeared on his face, “Does that ring on your finger mean anything?” I looked down at my engagement ring, the diamond sparkling in the sunlight. My body shivered as his fingers lightly trailed down my neck, his hand finding its place on my thigh. I looked down at the callused hand, watching as he moved his thumb moved softly back and forth on my skin.

“Lauren!”

I jumped in surprise as Bryn’s voice snapped me out of my erotic thoughts. I quickly pushed Duff’s hand away, almost falling off the stool. “Lauren, what the hell?” Bryn walked up to me, side-eying Duff the entire time. “What are you doing?” She whispered in my ear, wedging herself between Duff and I. I looked over her shoulder and over at Duff. He had his attention turned to those around the bar, sipping on his drink ever so often. “Lauren!”

I looked back at Bryn, shrugging my shoulders, “What?” I asked.

She rolled her eyes, placing her hands on her hips, “You were supposed to be getting drinks, not fucking around with strange men who aren’t your fiancé.” I rolled my eyes at her statement. “Isn’t that the guy from last night? The one you weren’t interested in since it was only “a random guy at the bar.” She air-quoted the last part.

“We’re just talking.” I whispered back. “Nothing’s happening between Duff and I.” Her mouth dropped open. “What?”

“You know his name; you know his fucking name?” She harshly whispered, going into one of her freak out moments. “You’re not supposed to know his fucking name, Lauren.” My eyes once again drifted back to Duff. His posture was relaxed, another bottle of beer sitting in front of him. “I think it’s time for us to go.” Bryn announced. “You need a cold shower like right now.” Duff looked over at us, watching as Bryn pulled me to my feet, gathering my things in the process.

“You’re leaving?” He asked. Bryn rolled her eyes at his question, tugging on my arm.

I was being pulled in two different directions, one physically and the other emotionally. “Listen dude-”Bryn began to speak before I could. “My friend here is engaged to be married to a up-and-coming powerful business man. She doesn’t need to be romanced by a guy that probably doesn’t have two pennies to rub together.” This time my jaw dropped to the floor. “So just back off and leave her alone, okay.”

Duff stayed silent, his jaw clenched, trying his best not to stoop to Bryn’s level. I felt totally embarrassed by Bryn’s response. She had no idea what was going on and for her to act that way towards him was uncalled for. Even though she was my best friend, I didn’t want to be anywhere near her right now.

“Stop being such a fucking bitch, Bryn.” I yanked my arm out of her hold. “You have no fucking right to talk to him like that; you’re not my mother.” Everyone at the bar was once again staring. I could see that my words had stunned her. She was speechless but I could also sense the anger that was building. After all, Bryn was a natural red head and that anger was always bubbling like a volcano that was moments away from erupting.

I yanked my sunglasses and wallet out of her hands, stepping back to where Duff was. “I’m staying with my friend here and I don’t give a shit what you think about it.” She looked between Duff and I, glaring at the man longer than necessary.

“Whatever.” She muttered annoyed. She turned around and started walking back toward the pool area. A part of me wanted to follow her and tell her I was sorry for yelling the way I did, but I didn’t. She was the one that was in the wrong. She was the one who showed her ass and it ended up backfiring on her.

I let out the air I didn’t realize I was holding in, suddenly feeling like shit. “You okay?” Duff placed his hand on my shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze.

I shook my head, “No.” I answered honestly. I spun around on my bare heels, coming face to face with the blonde. “I need a stiff drink.” Duff’s face instantly lit up at my request. He held out his hand for me to take. “I think I can help you with that.”

[smuttyfairy]

BTS reacting to their crush being high (College AU!)

A/N: One of my favorite AUs so I knew I needed to write this. - Admin Jaefairy

Namjoon -  Namjoon would be the intellectual stoner so as soon as he saw the gloss in your eyes, he would make space for you on the couch, between him and yoongi. He'd ramble on about deep shit, like jury verdicts and its purpose to democracy, or why flip spinners should be a prescription and not a toy. You'd be amazed at all of the things he was passionate about, your legs over his lap. He'd rub your thighs, and just ramble on. You'd find him dorky and cute, but this was the best way to spend your high. Chilling with Namjoon and Yoongi, having Namjoon giving you special subtle attention. 

Seokjin - Jin wouldn't do weed, but he wouldn't be against you doing it yourself. He'd watch over you and the guys, giving you a piggy back ride as you all ran down to the cafeteria for free pizza night. He'd stuff his face with you, laughing at how giddy and silly you were high. If he noticed you feeling weird or wandering off, he'd make sure that he was around you and that you were safe. Once you started crashing, he'd be by your side, petting your hair and watching over you till you fell asleep. 

Hoseok - After a few puffs, Hobi would be good. He’d let you and and the others pass it around til it was a roach, then ask you to dance with him. You wouldn't be as awesome as Hoseok, but he didn't care. He liked taking your hands in his and doing his favorite thing, with his favorite person. Your high would have you floating and if the music turned to something slow, you'd find yourself cuddled up with Hobi on a couch. You guys would talk about everyday things, but being touchy person you are you'd find yourself caressing his arms. The sensation would send a tingle down his spine, and even though his head was kind of cloudy, he'd have to force himself not to kiss you in front of everyone else. 

Yoongi - It was hard being the weed dealer on campus, but it was harder watching you act a fool eveytime you were high. Yoongi would be the chill stoner, the type to smoke a blunt and just chill and watch a movie or listen to kendrick lamar and make out. How many times he thought about getting baked and kissing your lips was too many to count. He'd looked annoyed, watching you and taehyung high as two kites screaming on campus and chasing an ice cream truck. It was so hard for yoongi to be chill when most of his friends weren't. When you two would finally be alone, smoking another joint to keep the high going, you'd ask Yoongi anything and everything that was on your mind. He'd answer, his hands gently petting and playing with your hair while he played humble on repeat. He wouldn't be able to keep his eyes off your mouth and if it wasn't for namjoon barging in and asking for a dime, he would have taken the plunge. 

Jimin - Jimin loved weed as much as he loved hanging out with you. He wasn't into smoke, but thank god Yoongi taught you how to make weed butter. After a really stressful test you'd go over to jimin's house and make weed brownie or weed smores and just chill watching tv til they hit you. You'd be cuddle up on the couch watching steven universe and all of a sudden jimin who laugh about something not even funny, and so would you. Being high with Jimin would be an adventure. As you would ride your high some days you'd find yourself at the town pool or just driving to the park to explore the forest, just to see things in a different light. Jimin would hold your hand and point out things to you. ("Oh, Y/n look! That cocoon is waking up." "It's doing the metamorphosis shit!" "Yeah, that word!" ) after a long day, you'd both walk back to his dorm and just nap. At first you'd face each other, but everytime somehow you'd end up spooning in his arms. When you were in a deep sleep, Jimin would kiss your head, afraid to even try it with you awake. 

Jungkook - Jungkook, like Jin, would probably not be into weed. Nothing against you guys, it's just not his thing. You were his thing though. When ever you got high he'd find himself being dragged into something crazy with you. Like the one time you took him to to quiet side of the school library to make a blanket fort or when you make pancakes out of cake mix for his birthday. Jungkook enjoyed being around you, even when you were high. You weren't a sloppy high person, just a little more adventurous then usual. He'd hug you from behind and playfully flirt with you, feeling more open with you because you opened up to him. Even during long college parties full of weed, booze and whatever else namjoon could find, you would sit on the balcony with him and chill. Heads nuzzling into each other, chilling with friends and being a special kind of close you both would be afraid to talk about any other time. 

Taehyung - Tae was unpredictable high. He could be on his laptop looking at the weirdest documentaries or heading to the most random places he could decide on. He'd always ask you to tag along, ditching your group to spend time being weird together. Tae would get close, rubbing his cheek to yours, excited to experience something new alongside you. You'd find yourself in chuck e cheese, playing wack a mole with Tae because he wanted to get the Playstation 4 prize for Jungkook. Or at the local park singing Adele at the top of your lungs. Taehyung was so unpredictable that it you couldn't help but smile wide whenever you were alone together.  

[dlamp-dictator]

Allen’s Video Game Update: Starting Fresh!

Oh right, I forgot I tag fandoms when I do my video game updates.

Hey there everyone, I’m Allen X, or Dlamp, or the Dictator, or... whatever else you want to call me. I usually doing little essays on fandoms, writing, and other stuff called Ramblings, and monthly blurbs about the anime I’m currently watching and video games I’m playing called Anime and Video Game Updates respectively. Well... I usually do the Video Game Updates monthly. 

It’s... a story I wish I could take back, but I deleted all my saved data from my PS4. Around late June PSN was acting up for my PS4, I couldn’t access anything network-wise. I could play games and whatnot, but I couldn’t access the PSN store, my video apps, play online, and stuff like that, and I had PSN Plus too. I was getting some sort of error that wouldn’t grant me access. I did a bit of researching and a site said that re-initializing my PS4 would fix up it and reset everything. It would also delete my saved data, but... I’d rather have access to PSN than my save data. So, I reset my PS4, memory and all. 

And sadly... I was still getting errors. 

Oh, I was furious. I raged, I cried a little, but... I eventually fixed the problem by fiddle with my modem settings a little. So... I’m starting from scratch with a lot of my games. Some are fighting games and platformers that aren’t too much of a pain to redo due to either short playtime or my ranks being set on a different server, but... most of the games I play are JRPGs. JRPGs I had new game plus files waiting to be used... Yeah, I’m not happy about that one bit, but I can rage about it later, I’ve had a month or two to cool off a little, so... I’m starting from scratch again. Not much of a problem, but I’ll be doing the simpler games before moving onto the heavy stuff. 

Anyway, with all that tragic story out of the way, here’s what I’ve been playing for the last few days now.

Now, I’m playing Fate/EXTRA mostly so I have context to Fate/Extella. I bought Extella a week ago because I heard it was a good Warriors-type game and I was somewhat familiar with the Fate series. Plus Warriors-type games are simple and not a pain to redo, I’m still a little hesitant to buy another JRPG. However, I felt so lost after playing Nero’s campaign. I just could not care about the story, and that’s saying something since most Warriors-type games have decent/passable stories and character arcs. This one... felt like fanservice for Fate fans. Again, I myself am a casual fan of the series, watching Deen’s Fate/Stay Night, Ufotable’s Unlimited Blade Works, watching Deen’s Unlimited Blade Works movie, and watching all 4 seasons of  Fate/kaleid liner Prisma Illya. 

But Extella... Extella was just throwing out too many terms I didn’t understand. Se.Ra.Ph.? Code Cast? Moon Cell? How every character seemed to already know each other, how the protagonist had an instant emotional relationship with Nero... It just made my head spin and had me skipping cutscene after cutscene. So, I double-checked PSN, found Fate/EXTRA available for 10 bucks, and I’m gonna’ run through this so I have some context for Extella.

I’m about four hours into this game so far and hot damn I’m using a guide for this game. There are... a lot of things I’m not liking about this game after four hours, starting with the rock-paper-scissors RNG enemies and unskippable text. This game is following an visual novel-style of trial-and-error choices, but the gameplay itself isn’t smooth enough for me to really tolerate reading through long bits of text I’ve already read. I feel like there should be a quick save option and there isn’t one. The fact you can’t save while in the Arena with enemies that are very trial-and-error in terms figuring out of attack patterns makes every death I have feel cheap. And then I have to rewatch long cutscenes and text walls I’ve already seen. Like... damn, no wonder this series is said to have a large wall of entry. With gameplay like this you have to be dedicated to stick with it. 

So yeah, I’ll be using a guide with this because the internet exists and I’m not dealing with this RNG, trial-and-error nonsense that makes Fire Emblem’s 2% crit-spamming enemies look fair and balanced.

Moving on, while I’m still salty about having to replay a lot of games on my PS4, and refusing to even touch any of my RPGs, Samurai Warriors 4 is a game I don’t mind starting from scratch. Warrior Series games are just fun to play in 1-hour spurts, something to pick up once a day to get some fun gaming in if you’re pressed for time. And they also tend to get boring once you collect most of the collectibles and get all the best weapons for your favorite characters, so starting the hunt over will be fun. I... don’t have much to say about this one save for the fact that I love the Warriors series and I’ve been a fan since Dynasty Warriors 3. And I get to make a bunch of cute warrior girls while traveling Japan in Chronicle mode, so... looking forward to that.

And finally, I’m going to try and beat Fire Emblem Echoes. While I have... mixed feelings about Fire Emblem Echoes, I am on Act 4, I did buy DLC for it, and I do need to finish it at some point, so... I’m giving it another shot. 

When I first talked about this game, I said was gonna’ do it on Classic Mode and not soft reset anything because I wanted to play this like a man and not a little boy pretend to be a grown-up. However... Slique died, Faye did, Tobin died, Kliff died, and Lukas died all on the same enemy phase and suddenly I had no mage killer, magic damage dealer, tank, or healer... so then I deleted that file and made a casual one because I’m a filthy casual that could care less about playing a game how it was meant to be played.

Now most of my issues with Echoes just comes from the fact that my first Fire Emblem game was Fire Emblem Fates and I personally like that game a lot more and I’ve played it more than this. The lack of personal skills, the fact skills are limited to what type of weapon a character is using, the fact that no one has a growth rate in resistance, the fact that random enemies spawn rather than letting you fight them optionally... This game has a lot of good things as well (love the retreat system and how supports are done), but... it’s so different from Fates that it was off-putting. I’m gonna’ try and tackle this one again now that I’ve had some time away from turn-based RPGs for awhile, but... no promises on me liking this.

And that’s the Video Game Update. Technically I’m also playing Sonic Mania, but I make it personal rule to not talk about games that can be beaten within five to seven hours, replay value or not. If you guys have any advice for me for any of this games, feel free to shoot me a message, I’d appreciate any help, especially with Echoes...

[terrific-lunacy]

2016 Writing Meme

Writing Self-Evaluation for 2016

So the weirdest thing happened. tumblr notifies me I got tagged by @renderedreversed though I’m not, in fact, tagged in the post. It’s a ghost tag. Maybe I’m the chosen one. So in a sudden bout of compulsive oversharing I’m doing it anyways ;) Also I love all of your stories and I’m just hijacking your post don’t mind me 1. List of works published this year: I do hope you don’t mean completed ones...You’ve come to the wrong place otherwise

Set the Sails (and don’t look     back) - HP

Let’s start the show - HP

6 parts in the ‘First encounters in history’ series - Hamilton

Rumors only grow (into Truth) -  Hamilton

Mercurial Wrath - Hamilton

honourable mention to ‘Blurring Reality’ because I published it in December 2015 so aallllmost 2016 xD. Which would make this list everything I ever published apart from ‘Rebuilt’ lmao.

2. Work you are most proud of (and why): Set the Sails? Idk, it feels different from the others. I’m not good at recognizing or analyzing writing styles but I usually drive the whole plot with conversations. Set the Sails stands out because especially the first chapter has barely any direct speach at all. I guess I’m not so much proud of the story itself, but rather the fact that I managed to deviate from my comfort zone.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why): Depending on the reasons I could literally justify all fics as being the one I’m least proud of. I’m going to say ‘Rumors only grow’ here, because even for a oneshot it doesn’t seem to have much meat to it.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing: How do people have favorite excerpts. really, tell me your secrets, I beg you. Whenever I get Tom and Harry alone in one room I’m happy tbh.

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received: I love them alllll! I can’t stress that fact enough! But alright, alright I can’t dodge all questions. I’m always especially amused when someone starts reading Rebuilt for the first time and leaves short reviews for almost every chapter while they work their way through it. Because at the beginning they’re all like ‘nice’ ‘i like it’ ‘will read more’ or commenting on the plot and then after 40+ chapters they go ‘...there’s no point to any of this, you just like playing with the characters don’t you’. It’s like making a new friend that gets me intuitively.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard: *looks at her last updates sometime in summer* uhhh… It’s been hard finding time to write during the whole year really. I know I could just write half an hour or so every evening but… that’s not how my brain works. I need to know that I have time, like several hours worth of time, even if I don’t need that long. Otherwise nothing comes out and it feels like work.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you: everything I write surprises me No but really, I’m often surprised because I don’t map the stories out. So I tend to write myself into a corner and panic over how to get out of it, when suddenly it just happens and I have a new idea. It doesn’t help that I lean towards drawn-out mysteries in my plots. The only reason why they’re uncovered so slowly is because I don’t know the answer. Fake it till you make it. One of the many examples would be the last chapter of Let’s start the show, where Harry is literally already walking towards the manor and I still had no idea how Riddle would get rid of Zabini in some kind of smooth, sophisticated way.

I’m usually not too surprised over how a character turns out to be/act, because I guess I have a pretty solid picture in my head? But I found myself very surprised over how easy or hard a specific character was for me. I would expect characters that I love to come easily and others maybe not so much, but that doesn’t seem to be true at all. Honestly I haven’t figured out which types I can write easily, it seems random so far. I’d really like to write for Hamilton/Burr but as of now Aaron Burr is impossible for me to write. come here and let me love you you little piece of shit

8. How did you grow as a writer this year: I’m always learning more English so that’s a plus that comes automatically with time and practice. I have grown more conscious of my writing. It’s not just me madly writing down whatever I see in my head, I’m actually taking the time to think about what phrases would best describe it.

9. How do you hope to grow next year: I want to finish Rebuilt. Please. For the love of god and all that is holy. Let it end. I guess just write more, generally speaking? I’d like to not have to sit around and wait for inspiration just so I write anything at all. I want to know how to push through even if maybe not all of the conditions have been met perfectly.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc): So obviously every review I receive has the effect of cheering me on, but I’m going to cue into the ‘muse’ bit here, because the effect Hamilton had on my life can not be understated. The way words are used in that musical is beyond anything I ever heard. Seriously, everyone who likes to write should listen to it. It’s so…smooth and clever. Also this goes way further than just me loving/obsessing over a thing. I’m suddenly reading biographies and watch documentaries and just... history is so freaking interesting??? Not the facts, but the people that lived it. And biographies are literally just a psychoanalysis of people and their relationships, pieced together from correspondences. And I’m always on the hunt for interesting characters. Also everyone in the 18th/19th century could write so well (if they could read/write at all lmao) oh my gosh they sound like such nerds. Idk, I really feel like I’ve broadened my understanding of the world immensely. Also I listen to rap now???  Enter Hamilton’s creator Lin-Manuel Miranda who’s basically going around reminding everyone that we could die tomorrow and then who will write that story that’s in your head? Maybe get that out beforehand so it exists. And lastly I did not expect the amount of fun and fresh inspiration a new fandom can bring. I’m casually into a lot of things, but for a long time HP has been the only fandom I actively created stuff for.

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year: I love writing and reading because it’s not real life, so uuuuhhmmm... I actually do know how to sail, does that count? And I’m basically twisting the science I learn in my studies to write Rebuilt so...

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers: Wisdom and me don’t talk much these days. You’re on your own buddy.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year: AHAHAHA is that a trick question?

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read. I’d like to read anyone’s answers tbh. @talriconosco @paper-ramblings @littlemissxanda . If you feel like it!

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I’m curious what you think about the Japanese because men buy legally mangas of children having sex with teachers etc. that’s a genre there and okay. Would you say that all of the men are pedophiles for buying those mangas legally? I just wanna hear your opinion about this.

I'm on mobile so excuse any grammar issues. I'm also using a microphone because it's easier than typing so if there's any word issues it's because of that. So I'm a huge anime fan I won't lie, and I do know about the rampant problem with fanservice and child pronography in the anime community and the manga community. And I know about Japan and their problems, because I've been looking into stuff like that and I do want to go to Japan one day because the place is fucking beautiful and its history is really interesting. That's actually why I'm studying Japanese right now. But on your question of my opinion on the men who buy those Manga and Anime I have to say I do think quite a lot of them are fucking creepy perverts. And that's with knowing the legal age for a girl to consent over there's like 16 maybe even 14 I don't remember which one exactly it's in that age range though. So I do consider them having some kind of pedophilic nature to them. And if you pay attention to statistics for public trains and stuff there are huge issues with men groping women or young girls in their school uniforms. This isn't saying all Japanese men are like this because this, because if you look over at Japan as widespread as the Kawaii culture and the anime community may seem, it's actually frowned upon to be like a huge o t a k u or anything close to that. The Western world is more positive about that word but in Japan it's a huge no no. But tying into the problem of these like 15 and under characters that they have so much porn of over there you have to blame the Artist as well you have to blame the storytellers for sexualizing children in a way that isn't showing that this is completely wrong and it's not okay. Like take Lolita for instance, in that book you are reading from a pedophile's perspective and while it is a good book it is mind-boggling because it some point for some readers they start to think that this guy's thinking okay but he's not he is a pedofile no matter how you put it. Then you have to look more on the Idol culture as well because they tie in with the cute girls thing that all these weird older Japanese men are into. Those girls are about high school age or maybe a little younger or older depending on the person but they all have to fit this criteria of a dream girl. The famous ones aren't even allowed to date because they have to be a dream girl for these lonely men or just very desperate and creepy men. And again it's not all of the Japanese men but it is a few of them and there is quite a lot of them. There's also a huge problem in Japan with high school girls some even about Middle School age getting caught up in selling services on the street in the open to people mostly men which leads into them being sex trafficked. It starts to something simple most of the time like handing out flyers and then it becomes something worse and they can't escape it easily. It isn't much different from America we have the same issues sex trafficking exist everywhere, but Japan is feeling this by creating this content of characters that look like they're 5 years old being fucked in the ass and enjoying it. You can argue that some of these characters are just chibi versions but at the same time it fuels pedophiles. Basically that shit is what would be on FBI watch list if it were real people and he'll probably should be on FBI watch list or Japan's equivalent to FBI watch list because it could lead to something darker. It's not just fiction when someone's mind besides fiction and reality are blurring together. I Used to Know woman whose son could not differentiate fiction and reality so she had to be very careful about what games he played and while I'm sure this kid had some kind of mental disorder like a learning disability there are people out there whose mines just start blurring the lines and who will go after what they want if they see a kid that looks like a character they like and they want to fuck that character and their reality and their fiction is starting to blur who knows what they will do to that kid. There's a lot of people you have to blame in this kind of situation there's a lot of scenarios you need to keep in mind there is a lot of real life situations going on that you have to consider when thinking about these kinds of people buying this kind of content. And again I love Japan I want to go to Japan and I've even considered going over there to live for a few years and teach English but their problem with child pronography in Manga and Anime is a huge issue that needs to be dealt with. I don't want to attack anime and manga as a whole because I love anime and manga they have incredible stories incredible art and characters and I really love Anime America but there is a fine line between just showing a kid innocently naked and being pedophilic with it. The anime man on YouTube actually touched that topic about a month ago using made in Abyss as an example of just kids being innocently naked and then some parts of it that were kind of creepy like having the main girl strong up naked. and don't get me wrong I love that show that was a beautiful show but I have to agree that her being strung up naked was just fanservice and creepy because she's like 9 years old and her just standing there without a shirt with her hair covering her tits that was an innocent image there is a blurred line between innocence and creepy pedophilia like I've said and well the strung up naked thing was for humor it was still creepy because it mirrored BDSM. But if you're straight out buying content of children in any way being fucked and enjoying it not even just that but children being fucked by adults and enjoying it you're a pedophile in your head. You can think that oh I never do this to a real kid this is just fiction but for some people that fiction becomes reality and you have to consider that when seeing this kind of content. Boku no pico is gross and pedophiliac it even though it's children fucking each other and let's be honest and anyone who knows that show or has seen any of it can confirm it's gross and creepy. And that's why it's become such a huge joke in the anime Community. And I know I'm rambling I know I'm repeating myself but I want to make this very clear any kind of content with children fucking or being fucked is created by people with sick Minds. Now I know in the past I had a thread with one of my Loki role players where are twin low keys were abused as children verbally physically mentally and sexually but I made sure that while role playing that I made it very clear that it was wrong I made it very clear that these characters didn't enjoy what happened to them I made it very clear that it was illegal even and that these boys or scarred for life because of what their father did to them. You can take one a few routes when covering the topic of something like sexual abuse you can make it seem okay you can make it very clear that it's not okay and you can make it a fetish 4 pedophiles when you're using children as your characters. I always make sure that if I'm writing something and any kind of sexual abuse or sex with children involved is shown as being not okay and that it's going to scar these characters for their entire life. But if you look at most of these Manga and Anime that portrayed as something that these children are enjoying or that is beautiful between this fictional character that's underage and this random fat fuck that's fucking on the in their manga doujinshi whatever it's being portrayed as pure fetish. And that's not okay you should not fetishize you should not sexualize children in any way. Some people can argue about Freud and his theories but he was also a crackpot and no actual psychologists will tell you to follow anything that fucker said. So while I think Japan is great and all it does have its problems and I think that the child pronography in manga especially, because you don't see it much in the anime, it's a huge issue that needs to be resolved as soon as possible and I can't remember correctly but I think the Japanese government actually wanted to do something about that but there was an issue because of this well it's fiction well it doesn't meet reality it's not real people thing. So it's really a difficult topic but in the end it's wrong and it's pedophilic. The same thing for fanart on the loud house tag here on Tumblr anyone drawing the loud house kids being fucked or fucking each other are fucking pedophiles because they had to sit there and think about these children in these situations before drawing the shit. They had to finish size they have to fantasize children fucking each other. and I know Stephen King has that orgy scene in it I haven't read the book but I'm aware of this orgy scene and I think even he might be a little fucked up in the head for writing that unless he wrote it in a way that makes it not okay and it's showing that he is not okay with it through his writing of the scene. That's not to say you should censor yourself and what you're writing but at the same time you have to be very very very careful about how you're portraying things about your mindset about how other people are going to portray what you are writing or drawing.