#whatever i dont care anymore how i feel is no longer connected to anything real happening or happened its a separate state

[phagodyke]

took me until half 8 to manage to leave the house to get groceries. literally done nothing else all fucking day except try to motivate myself to do this. nothing wrong w me

[herhours]

(ive spent so many years digesting life with him that now, particularly, its hard not to think of him. when we first fell out at the beginning of covid, it was so rough. i had a really hard time adjusting to experiencing things and not being able to bounce them off him. i probably should have known then how important to me he was and again it's not necessarily that i didn't KNOW it's that i didn't really understand how much.

we had a conversation about no longer spending time together irl - the last years of our friendship we only texted, because whenever we had a sexual relationship it always got too volatile, and we could not be friends in person without inevitably having sex. which as an aside is emblematic of the issues in that relationship. he is a narcissist who cannot be emotionally vulnerable or intimate with another person, and that connection was always lacking in our sexual relationship. its not hard to have a vulnerable and intimate connection with someone you're having sex with, it's literally possible to do with strangers. b can only keep sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy separate. obviously. anyway, i say all this to say we talked about all of this and i told him plainly that with the extent of our emotional connection if we were to continue to have a sexual relationship it would be inevitable that i would want to be in love with him. and knowing he wasnt going to be able to do that, i didnt really care what else he thought about anything because i knew he was always going to disappoint me that way.

i can separate sexual intimacy from emotional intimacy, but i can also blend them, lol. compare with m, we had sexual intimacy but not emotional intimacy 😂 IT IS ALL SO VERY FUCKING STUPID 😂 like do men even know this is how stupid they are? lol. you have a guy in your life and youre only getting one side of him and its a toss up which side you get, like its so fucking dumb. sex with b was ALWAYS just physical i literally never felt shit emotionally with him during sex, not one time, the closest time being the time i felt relaxed enough to be giggly and playful. and that had nothing to do with him, i was just in whatever mood that day that time. imagine doing all the motions of sex with someone and there being no fucking emotional connection - how the fuck could you live that way? i truly don't get it? which i guess makes me want to reconsider the spin on m, lol. i never made the connection before now that they were on opposite sides of the same spectrum 😂 so what does it say or mean one a person is on one side and one is on the other... does it even matter? is one really worse than the other? (though i would perhaps make judgment that it is worse for m, to be only able to connect with someone sexually and live in a prison of falsehoods all the rest of the time in real life. congrats, m's wife! he chose you for that life of falsehoods! man, ngl i wonder what their sex life is like particularly because she quickly got fat even before they even got married. meanwhile he looks great, got in better shape.)

oh well. i suppose it doesn't matter. i wish i had other things to think about but i'm also ok to post mortem my past generally anyway. ive been thinking a lot recently about my own negative thought patterns, and have been recognizing some secondary emotions that i use, too, that are keeping me stuck. so i decided to say essentially fuck those secondary worries, and not let them get in the way of doing things that i need to be doing, even though i do still feel them and do still believe they are true. things like how its all a waste of time and i wont feel better for trying anyway and none of it matters and i dont care anymore. those things are all still true, but i have to decide that even if they are true they don't matter. i still need to do these things, even though knowing i feel this way means they aren't going to change how i feel. and isnt that all this stupid shit is in the first place, making the choice even though you know its not going to fix or heal anything.

that's better than not making the choice and there still obviously being nothing that is going to fucking fix or heal anything either.

[sour-n-salty-citrus]

Do you like the backstory for rick? Idk I kinda preferred it when Rick's past was a complete mystery and i dont really care about diane at all. I didn't expect the writers to actually write a canon for him either but I guess they realised how much the audience wanted one for him

Ajdjdjeidjs ack, I'll be honest I'm not... keen on it.

(Bolly-quinn actually puts it into words well how I feel about Rick's backstory here)

I liked the mystery element of his backstory! I know it's always exciting to have things in canon, but like... it being open to interpretation was something I always appreciated.

And... ugh, hoo boy. I'm torn. I mean, I love that Rick is completely different from what dudebros and like- "high iq" redditors present him as. He's a man who loved his wife and daughter, loved them so much he would rather give up travelling the multiverse, becoming a genius scientist, just to stay with them. He was vulnerable, soft, and caring. He wasn't nihilistic and reckless and selfish and some "alpha male who wouldn't let anything tie him down". He was ridiculously romantic, optimistic, sweet and loving, and maybe even kind.

And I don't give a shit.

I don't! I don't care. This might sound incredibly cruel and unfair, but I don't care that Rick lost his family.

Ok- let me explain.

I'm... disappointed. I'm disappointed that losing Beth and Diane is all it was that made Rick into the complete and utter monster he is today (or the start of the series anyway). I don't mean to undermine his loss and grief- at all! It's just... for him to go on a (seemingly decades long) killing spree, slaughtering any version of himself he seemed to come across... christ. Maybe in his eyes, they were all as bad as that One. Which is understandable. I'm very lucky to have not experienced that kind of loss. I haven't had to Grieve the way Rick did. Maybe I just don't get it, because I've never felt it. That's fair.

It just felt... god, I don't want to say excessive. I know, people process grief in different ways, and for some it manifests in unhealthy ways, some lash out at the world, fixate on trying to find an explanation, to find justice, etc. And I like how Rick was an absolute inconsolable wreck at first. Something like that, it needs time to process and overcome before you can start moving again.

I just- I don't know. Something rubbed me the wrong way about it all.

It's like- it's not that I wanted Rick to have spent all that time partying or something. It's just- argh, i don't know! Maybe someone else can put it into better words lol.

I hate that he immediately jumped into not giving a single shit about other people (save birdperson and squanchy!). Like- when he blew up those aliens who gave him whatever it was he needed. Ah- ok, they probably weren't exactly innocent or anything, but still. I think it was just I felt if we ever saw Rick's backstory, I'd want it to be a slow decline into who he is, show him gradually losing so much of his morality and becoming so jaded. Idk i guess i just wanted it to be like, a series of significant (and lesser but still important) events that lead to him going down that path rather than- this ONE thing that just apparently completely ruined him? And yeah ik ik it was a BIG thing, but like- i guess i was expecting.... more? Maybe something like idk Rick trying to save all the other Beths and Dianes and failing, idk, just... something more.

I actually would have preferred it if Diane lived. I dont know, I just- man I really hate the dead wife/daughter turns ordinary man into callous asshole trope. I agree, it's hard to really care all that much for Diane, and for a while I couldn't understand why. I thought, idk, is it internalised misogyny? Do I just not like Diane because I want to ship Rick with someone else?

I think I get it now. Diane, for all her significance in Rick's backstory, just... isn't a character. She's just- the motivation Rick needed to kick off the story. You could replace her with literally anybody else Rick could have loved and it wouldn't feel any different. She just doesn't feel special. She's no more unique than any other Dead Wife. We get nothing, literally nothing of her. I kept thinking, why? Why does this just not hit that hard? Rick's had emotional moments with Beth, with Birdperson, even with Summer and Jerry. And then I got it- it doesn't feel earned. It felt like how you feel when you see side characters or extras in the background of an action movie die. Maybe some faint sadness, but mainly nothing. We as an audience get nothing from Diane, we don't know her, don't get to see how she matters to Rick, don't get to see her relationship with Rick, we don't get any chance to connect with her character. So when she dies and Rick gets his montage of seeking revenge, it doesn't feel earned. It feels more like I'm being told about how this guy suffered than really seeing it (which i believe, may have been the writers intention actually...). It's kind of like a feeling of "damn that sucks bro... and?". There's no real heavy emotional response that I could really get from it...

I actually would have preferred if Rick and Diane broke up, divorced. I feel like that would offer so much more for them BOTH as chatacters. Instead of their relationship being happy and sunshine and rainbows until a Big Bad came in and took that away, I'd prefer it if Rick's downfall was just... his fault. (Actually His fault.) If his marriage fell apart because he couldn't make it work. If he estranged his daughter because he couldn't properly handle fatherhood, despite loving her. If he was flawed, terribly flawed, because of his own misjudgement and shortcomings. I guess my biggest problem, is that this is presented as someone having the perfect life, which is then taken away as a result of someone Else. It's too easy to then say, oh, it's not his fault he's like that! He had his heart broken, his life ruined! He lost himself in a revenge spree, poor thing... I'd have rathered if it was just a little bit more... realistic? If Rick had been the root cause of his own problems. If he'd experienced tragedy, but also been the cause of much more. I just wish there'd been more of a balance? It just felt so rushed. And not because of the montage- it just like Rick became completely apathetic way too fast. I just hate hate HATE the "he was a good guy with the perfect little life until tragedy struck and he was never the same". Rick never made the effort to improve his life, to do better, to be better. He's actively a cruel, callous, unkind person (complex, yes, but these are traits no one can deny he harbours). He's done far worse than was done to him, and that will never be justifiable to me... it just all feels so very cliche and out of place, and out of everything, this was the one thing I had hoped they wouldn't do.

I think the writers are aware of this, strangely enough. I mean, Rick even calls it his "crybaby backstory". I think they didn't want to leave it open any longer, and just got it out of the way. I don't think they really want to elaborate on it anymore. From what I predict, they want to focus on the here and now of Rick (and Morty, haha), and the development of who Rick is NOW, instead of who he WAS. I think they kind of just went, here's your gut-punch, your tragic backstory, now leave it alone. Diane is dead, Rick had a hard past, the series is about moving on and change. Now can we PLEASE get back to the sci-fi shenanigans?

(There was something I LOVED about the backstory though, and that was the soundtrack! Like the music for the Battle of Bloodridge, it fucking SLAPPPEDDDD. I can't imagine making synthwave emotional, but it actually kind of worked! The swell of the music actually did a lot more for getting a reaction out of me than the content lmaooo. It kind of reminded me of Kurzegast's "optimistic nihilism" for some reason... I actually liked the Bloodridge track so much, it got me a little into synthwave, which i never listened to before! The music producers this season have just KILLED IT!)

[subbing-for-clones]

The New Apprentice Part 4

Maul x sith!reader 

Word Count: 3k

WARNINGS: Fear, graphic depictions of death and fire, slight gore. Mentions of slavery again, being tortured. Thoughts of suicide. But I promise it's also fluffy.

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       Without a sun to draw you from your slumber this ‘morning’ you were not the first one to wake. When you opened your eyes there was a dim light from a data pad a few inches from your face. Headlining something about a new attack against the Duchess of Mandalore by a terrorist group. Your head was too fuzzy to make the words out so you simply closed them again. Bringing you back into the world were two realizations. One, your head was gently rising and falling. Two, you felt warm fingers drawing light, rhythmic circles on your lower back. If you weren't slightly hung over you would have sworn that you heard a gentle purr beneath your ear.

    You caressed your cheek on whatever you were laying on. "Are you awake dear?" That low velvety voice you recognized asked you. Opening your eyes again, fighting through the daze you took in the details around you. Your arm was wrapped around Maul’s waist while your leg lay over the top of his thighs supporting the back of the data-pad. His lovely red and tattooed fingers brushed against your thigh as he held the device in place and slowly scrolled through the article. You tilted your head up to your master quickly realizing how close your faces were. He smirked down at your heavily lidded eyes. "How's your head?"

"Not as bad as I would've guessed if I'm being honest."

"Good." He stated turning his attention back to the news article. "I would've made some caf but as you can see you've kept me pinned to this spot all morning." Redirecting your eyes to the story he was reading you stated simply, "eh I'm not sorry. If you wanted your caf that bad you would have just moved me or woken me up for that matter." You felt the rumble in his chest as he chuckled.

"You're not wrong."

    A few more minutes passed in a comfortable silence; you hadn't moved. Maul made a mental note of your comfortability as well as his own. You didn't know this but you were the first living thing to touch him so gently and for so long. Every time your skin came into contact with his made him feel like it was a first and every time you parted, he feared it would be the last. You yourself hadn't been touched kindly in quite a long time either and relished in the contact. Grateful for now that it wasn't talked about. It just happened.

"Do you think this Mandalorian Duchess will be assassinated?" You asked.

"Not if the Death Watch wish to seize power. The people of the planet wouldn't support them. She has the love of her citizens for now and that I believe is what's keeping her in her station." You hummed in agreement at his statement.

    Maul sighed and put the data-pad on the table next to the bed and ran his fingers through your hair absent-mindedly. You looked up at him. He ran his thumb across your cheek and gazed into the eclipse of your eyes. His own pupils dilated just slightly before he blinked and looked away.

"Come, as comfortable as this is, we should both get some food in our systems." Your stomach rumbled just as he said this causing him to smirk. "It seems as though my timing, as usual, is perfect."

    Reluctantly you rolled over and stretched, causing the tunic you wore to rise dangerously high. Maul noticed this. The two of you made your way to the common area. He made the caf and you fried up some large mystery eggs you found in the cooler after verifying with him that they were in fact food.

"So master, what's on the schedule today?" You asked before stuffing your mouth greedily with the hot breakfast.

"You're going to practice your patience. Meditation. I was lax with you yesterday but were going to be traveling quite a bit and we can't play sabacc constantly."

"Anything I should focus on?"

"Well albeit odd, you made quite the connection with that rancor. See if you can't reach out and keep tabs on him. Or something else of your choosing. Try to reach out as far as you possibly can. I'm interested in your limits." You nodded your head and drank your caf.

    You spent some time stretching before sitting down back-to-back with your master on the floor. You closed your eyes and allowed the heavy blanket of the force to swallow you up until you no longer felt the metal floor beneath you.

    Images of the forest on Dathomir became clear. The swaying of the surroundings as if you were looking through Angel's eyes. You were glad he was okay. Then something else tried to take over. You let it happen. The old man who taught you sabacc appeared. "There's no need to hide little one. I won't sell you off or hurt you. You look hungry. Here.... where are your parents?"

    The vision changed and you were standing in the center of your village. The jedi that came to test you spoke without feeling, without caring, "no we can't take her. She’s far too emotional, chaotic even. If we teach her to use the force she will only be consumed by hatred, evil and darkness." Tears fell from your small eyes, only three or four years old. "I'm not evil..." Then everything was burning, your friends were screaming and you ran. You ran to your home which was overwhelmed by the inferno. Your mother was crawling out of the front door on her belly completely engulfed in the flames. Her skin half burned away and eyes melting. She tried to say something to you but the only sound she could muster was a throaty gurgle of blood before her life rattled away.

    You turned to run, your mother's gurgling screaming in your ears. You kept sprinting until you were older, chasing a small prey animal in the wilds of an unknown planet you had traveled to while stowed away on a transport. Catching it in your hands, you were so hungry you tore into the crying creature, blood dripping down your chin.

    More fire blazed around you. Mountains of scrap. Again, you were eating live vermin but your legs didn't feel like yours. You couldn't feel them at all. Eight spindly legs of scrap clumsily carried you down a hole. You screamed a name that felt foreign on your tongue until your throat burned.

    Your arms were chained to a ceiling, dangling you so your toes just brushed the dirt floor. You won't submit. He whipped you until you were drenched in your own blood, convulsing from the electricity but you didn't scream. You didn't cry. You felt your savior's presence like the shadow on a wall. You knew he'd come for you... eventually. All you had to do was hold on. To wait for him.

    There he knelt in front of you. While you were bound in the market place. The Zygerrian removed your blindfold, your eyes cold as he looked into them but your mind screaming "PLEASE. PLEASE TAKE ME. GET ME OUT OF HERE. I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I DONT WANT TO BE ANYMORE! IT’D NOT FUCKING WORTH IT!”

    Your eyes shot open. Utterly blown in fear, in rage, in torment. Once again, your master knelt in front of you but it was different this time. His eyes were soft, worried. He wanted to touch you; his hand outstretched but he didn't know if you wanted to be touched. Instinct made you shrink away and bare your teeth, eyes darting rapidly around the ship. Quickly accounting every detail to ensure this wasn't a vision. Once you were almost convinced you crawled back to your master and with a shaky hand you reached and touched his face. You felt him, he was real. Only then did you settle, pushing the beast back down inside you.

    Maul's nails dug into his thighs as he went over in his mind everything he had seen. He looked to you again, you wouldn't meet his gaze.

"Please know I didn't try to go inside your mind Y/N.." he used your name and spoke softly.

"A door appeared in front of me, I didn't know what lay beyond so I opened it and I saw... everything, felt what you felt." He paused "I know you saw one of my memories, before Savage found me."

Only then did you look at him, apologetically. "I'm sorry master I don't know what happened."

"Were you going to kill yourself if I didn't take you from that slaving scum?" Genuine concern shown in his eyes and shame flickered across yours. You sighed a single "yes." He nodded in understanding. He inched a little closer to you. "Do you still think about doing that?"

"Master... it's been 20 years since I lost my family, my village.. and 15 years since that man taught me to play the cards... it had been 15 years since someone cared that I ate or didn't outright try to harm me or kill me. Until you and Savage came along. No, I don't want that anymore." He lunged towards to and pulled you tightly into a fierce embrace. One hand gripping your back and the other woven in your hair.

"Please know my life is better with you in it little one." You inhaled deeply with your face nestled in his neck. Taking in his scent like you'd never smell him again, your arms firm around him as well.

    Without thinking you glanced at the chronometer within your view. "Thirteen hours?!" You exclaimed. "It felt like ten minutes." Maul pulled away from you. "Nothing kills time like sleep or meditation."

"Well now I feel like I need the former." You pinched the bridge of your nose and rubbed one of your temples.

"That’s fine but.... I'm not going to dance around it tonight. You're coming with me again."

"Oh you'll find no argument here." You tried to smile but it twitched.

    You opted to shower before going to sleep. Clean body clean mind, or so you tried to convince yourself. Maul was waiting for you in his bed, chest bare to you and his back leaning up against the wall. The reflection of the data-pad shining across the lenses of his reading glasses. It would have been a sinful sight if your mind hadn’t been otherwise occupied. He looked up at you, sheepishly standing at the foot of his bed. Setting the device down on his bedside table along with his glasses he leaned forward and stretched his hand out to you. Slowly you crawled up and over to him. He pulled you onto his chest and wrapped you up tightly with the soft fabric. Thrumming of his twin hearts easing the anxiety in your belly.

"We will reach our destination tomorrow."

"I've never been to Corellia before. What’s it like.”

“The inhabitants of Corellia have always been known for an insatiable wanderlust which led to a booming ship building economy. It exports talented pilots and ships while importing just about everything. As far as core worlds go, they don’t ask questions other than ‘what are you buying’.”

You replied with a hum and closed your eyes, allowing his hearts beats to lull you to sleep.

    Thinking for just a moment before stifling his worry, Maul brushed his lips lightly to the temple you had rubbed earlier. Feeling a deeper kinship with you after what he had seen and realizing you had a past that wasn’t unlike him own in many ways. He wondered if you found these tender moments with him as intoxicating as he found them? Nothing you had faced in your life stopped you from having fun, finding amusement, allowing yourself to be soft when the opportunity arose. You were stronger than he was in that regard and he admired you for that. He only wanted you to feel kindness from him. He wondered what further depths he would've sunk to if Savage hadn't revived him. He wouldn't have ever known moments like these, where you clung to him in your sleep. He decided he would thank his brother again later.

    Corellia was like nothing you had ever seen before. Tall towers reached for the atmosphere itself but without the insufferable heat and dryness of Zygerria. Beings of every species chattered happily in the streets. The city of Coronet 'the Jewel of Corellia' as many of the lit signs read, was nestled against an expanse of water. Your master had given you a heavy purse of credits and sent you on your way to shop and enjoy the city. Saying only that'd he'd find you when he was done refueling and stocking up on the more boring items needed for your travels. One of the locals pointed you in the direction of Treasure Ship Row. A bazaar that you could supposedly find anything anyone could ever look for; at least, according to the Twi’lek who pointed you in its direction.

    You had never held even a fraction of the money Maul had given you, you felt like a Queen passing through the many shops and held your head high. You had all but forgotten you didn't even have shoes until you found a little shop with lovely dresses in the window.

    The shop girl was kind and inviting despite your disheveled appearance. Sure that she had taken note of the large purse that hung from your hip. She aided in your search until you had a nice stack of both appealing and practical clothing.

    You allowed yourself to be pampered at a nearby day spa the clerk had recommended to you so that you didn’t get your new clothes and shoes dirty so quickly. Utterly famished after your day you found a relatively clean little bar deeper inside the Blue Sector.

    Taking a seat at the counter it didn't take long before a deep voiced Kel Dor took your order. Flashing a grateful smile, you dug into your fried Nuna Legs and sipped from a glass of red wine. A handsome Chiss, you assumed was a mechanic by his dress, took the seat next to you at the counter and gave you a wanting side eye.

"No." You stated curtly not looking up from your glass.

"You don't even know what I was going to ask." He smiled and ordered a malt liquor while the Kel Dor poured you a second.

"The nature of your question doesn't matter. The answer is no." You hadn't turned to him until he chuckled. You raised your brow.

"I was going to ask what a lovely flower like you was doing here. That's not a yes or no question." Sighing you turned to him realizing that you weren't going to get rid of him so easily. You eyed him slowly, he really was handsome despite the streak of grease across his cheek. He flashed you a charming smile you were sure he had rehearsed.

"I can see you've enjoyed the market."

"I have. And although I must say I appreciate the red of your eyes, this lovely flower prefers her companions to have thorns rather than grease stains." You turned back towards your drink sensing your master before you saw him.

"What’s that supposed to mean?" The Chiss asked genuinely confused. You smirked into your drink when you heard Maul clear his throat. The stranger looked back vaguely frustrated and widened his eyes as your master removed his hood revealing his crown of ivory horns.

"Oh, don't be frightened on my account. You're doing wonderfully."

The Chiss quickly left the seat and your master called out to him with a complete lack of tone or emotion. "No, don't go. I'd hate to take your seat."

Both you and the Kel Dorrian bar keep chuckled at his candor as Maul took the newly freed seat swinging back the drink the stranger had left. He smirked at you, noting your black cotton romper, keeping the style of a plunging neckline but now your arms bare and your legs covered. He also noticed your newly painted red nails and ruby studs in your ears.

"Wealth looks good on you."

"Wealth looks good on anyone who knows how to spend it." you quirked the corner of your mouth up and tossed the purse back to your master keeping a small handful.

"Is the ship ready?"

"Ah yes, your destiny awaits little one."

    You gestured to the man behind the bar and settled your tab, giving him a generous tip. He flustered at the gesture, only answering him with beaming smile. Maul stood and offered you his elbow which you gladly accepted and the two of you sauntered out of the bar, not before blowing a kiss towards the irritated Chiss.

    Maul liked the idea of men trying to woo you only to be met with rejection much more than he thought he would. He liked having the eyes of men who wanted you on him as he led you out of the establishment. He had appreciated your looks before, albeit a wild kind of beauty. He had never imagined you to clean up so well though, adorning his colors of black and red. He allowed his mind to drift to the thought of ruling with you by his side, with your chin held high and the power emanating from your soul, you looked incredibly regal with this newfound confidence. Was this your standard demeanor when you weren’t in the role of a student with her master?

    You boarded your ship and sat next to your master in the co-pilot’s chair your eyes lit with excitement. "To Malachor?"

"Yes my dear, to Malachor."

[hangmansradio]

Do you ever question ~why~ you write, and find yourself wanting to throw your laptop out of the window because of it?

I write for the MCR fandom and ill be honest, i fell out of love with the fandom a long long time ago (mainly because of the online toxicity). Now, i no longer care about receiving comments or kudos from people in the fandom because it honestly just raises anxiety in me, so I've found myself writing but not posting it anywhere. (Before, kudos and comments especially from regular readers were what motivated me)

There's no other fandom I'm interested in writing in, and I'm past the age now where a new fandom can grab my attention easily- it would really take a lot for that to happen. So I'm at this point where I'm just like... why am I writing and who am I writing for? I'm using Gerard and Frank as characters but I'm so far removed from the fandom that I don't feel connected to it in anyway anymore.

I hate Canon (in terms of tv show fandoms etc) so a bandom is perfect for creative liberties when writing, but I just... feel so unmotivated. And yet, writing is my life, I dont know what I'll do with my free time if I stop.

I know you've spoken before about second guessing your place in the fandom and whether or not it's a space you still want to write in. How do you still continue to write when you feel that way? I know you're currently taking a break, but before that?

If you can't relate to anything I've said in this ask then just disregard it, but I have the feeling you are or have been in a similar position as me and maybe you can offer some words of wisdom 🥺

Oh nonny, I really, really feel for you right now 💜 I am in basically the exact same position as you, more or less. I've been writing in the MCR fandom for fifteen years now (yikes) and it was always such a warm, safe space. But the past couple of years I've slowly noticed that changing, and now, even me as a seasoned writer who KNOWS the fandom so well, am totally disgusted by the thought of posting anything new because the toxicity is at a new level. It's like people will read someone's work now just to find something to complain about, when ✨back in my day ✨ the number one rule was always "don't like something, then hit the back button". I feel like it's become an okay thing now to literally harass authors, which is just awful because we're all writing for free, in our spare time.

Once upon a time you could write about literally anything and know you were safe to post, even back before AO3 and their fantastic tagging system. Back then, you knew there was a chance you could be reading something you disliked every time you clicked on a fic, and that was fine, because you just turned back if that was the case. And that fostered a really great community, where anyone sending hate or being at all negative to an author were very quickly shot down by everyone else reminding them that only THEY, and not the author, are responsible for keeping themselves happy on the internet.

All that being said, I'm not sure I'll ever return to writing MCR fic. Taking this break has been so healing, because I don't miss it at all. I miss writing terribly, and I miss those wonderful readers who would always send love my way, but in general... My mental health is a million times better for getting out. And it would get even better again if I had the heart to completely sever the ties with my AO3 account - just this morning I received another negative comment on a fic and seeing the email notification come through with comments makes me so anxious now. I hate that it's become that way, and the temptation to completely delete my profile is so tempting. But I couldn't do it to those people who still say they get so much joy out of my fic.

So... I'm in a very similar position to you. Writing MCR fic was me. It's what I did every spare moment I had for literally half of my life. So where do we go from here? Personally I'm still figuring it out.

I'm lucky in that I have some fantastic writer friends who still want to read my stuff in private who I can post to. It's not as motivating as that rush of posting online and seeing who likes it, but it's enough. I haven't written anything at all, not a single sentence, since I uploaded Chains made of Gold; but last week one of my real life friends asked if they could help get me out of my writing rut, and requested a Kingsman fic, not to post online but just for them to read. And it's the first time I've felt any sort of motivation to write. Something small, safe and private to share with a friend, that I can handle.

I'm similar to you, in that I find canon difficult to work around because I'm so used to writing whatever I want. But there are no fanfic rules that say you have to stick to canon - the joy of fanfiction is that we don't have to do that! It can be hard getting into a new fandom, but maybe it's worth just a little try?

And for me, as it is for many fic writers, the dream was always to one day write original stories to publish. Recently I've felt like that dream is further away than ever, and maybe I'm just not a writer anymore. But I can't imagine my life without it, writing stories is my passion, and I can't let a toxic fandom destroy that.

So to you nonny, I say this - don't give up. It's easier said than done, I know. Find "real" people who love writing and befriend them, if you don't already know people who might want to read your stuff in private. I'm more than happy for you to send anything my way, be it fanfic or otherwise, and I'll gladly cheerleader for you if it helps keep the writing bug alive. Joining a creative writing group is also a fantastic way to keep motivated and challenge yourself with new ideas - I LOVED the one I was in, but sadly I have no local group now. But if you do, please try it, getting away from the internet communities that are so toxic and into a group of real people, all passionate about writing, is such a healing thing.

We all started writing just for us. Because we loved it. Hold onto that, and take as long a break as you need, and I promise the urge to write will come again 💜

TL;DR The 'point' of writing has always just been to tell those stories inside of us. Don't give up on something you're passionate about, find good people who can be excited about your writing with you and share things with them 💜

[dingobabywrites]

 so, in light of recent events, people have been discussing when they think Dean and Cas realized that they were in love with each other. While I 100% believe dean realized in purgatory, I dont think Castiel realized until Dean broke Naomi's connection.

BUT!!!!

I also think that is around the same time Sam realized it too. Obviously Charlie already knew ( " what about Castiel, he seems helpful and..Dreamy" she's a lesbian. That comment wasn't for Her!") I think Charlie was the one to point it out to sam and I think the two of them agreed to keep it to themselves since neither of those two would have been able to handle that information. So, I wrote a little thing about how I think it went down.

I also wanted to give myself an explanation for those wierd looks and mystery note from the end of the episode...so yeah...here's that.

Sam hobbled down the hall to the guest room, his hand still throbbing from knocking Dean unconcious . It was…worrisome, to say the least, that he was having this much trouble with healing from such a minor injury, not to mention the other things that were happening to his body; the fatigue, coughing up blood. Troubling, but, as much as he hated to admit it, worth it. Dean had been pissing him off more than usual lately anyway. It wasn't just the trials. Sure, he was frustrated with Dean for thinking he wasn't strong enough to handle them (he had fought against Lucifer in his own mind for christ's sake) but it was everything else too. His loyalty to Benny still didn't sit right with him. He had been so quick to kill Amy, just because she was a monster. He didn't care that she was just feeding her kid. She was just a monster to him. But for some reason, Benny got a pass. Sure, the guy saved both their asses, he was grateful for that, but even Bobby knew it was wrong.

And then there was Cas.

 

Sam wanted nothing more, than to tell Dean that he should have learned his lesson the first time with the Angel. It wasn't like he didn't like Castiel. Of course he did. He was appreciative of everything the guy had done for them. Dean was right that he had saved their asses more than once. It was just….at the end of the day, whether they liked him or not, Castiel had betrayed them. He understood that perfectly. What he couldn't understand, was why dean was so suprised by him doing it again. Hell, Dean had been the one to bring up that fact that the guy wasn't acting right since he got back and yet, there he was, praying to him, putting his trust in him again. It was maddening, to say the least. He had tried to talk to his brother about it, but Dean immediately shut down.

So, yeah, his hand was still hurting, but it was damn worth it.

He turned the corner to find Charlie stuffing her things into her duffle. He knocked on the door frame with his uninjured hand. "Hey, there."

"Sam." She half smiled, when she turned around, her eyes still a little bleary from crying. "Hi, I'm just…just packing up to head out and…" she sniffled and plopped down on the bed, covering her face as she began crying anew.

Sam walked into the room and pulled up the desk chair, sitting down in front of her. "Dean told me what happened, while you two were under." He said. "I am so sorry about your mom, Charlie." He placed his hand on her shoulder as she began crying harder. "I know how hard it is to let go like that…"

"Dean was right," she sniffed. "I needed to stop holding on."

Sam let out a bitter scoff and pulled his hand back, squeezing both hands between his legs. "Yeah, Dean's always right, isn't he? Too bad he can't follow his own advice."

Charlie looked up, her eyes sad and confused. "Holding on to my mom was the reason I was stuck there. If he hadn't made me let go, I would have died.we both would have."

Sam shook his head at himself, trying his damndest to let go of his own bitterness to be there for his friend. "Ya, I know. I'm sorry…just…I know you're hurting right now, I just want you to know I'm here for you."

Charlie sniffed again, wiping her arm across her face to dry it before leaning back and staring at Sam. "I don't get it." She said, as firmly as possible.

Sam, leaned back and shrugged. "Me neither, really. I always thought all djinn fed off happiness. It's like every time we figure stuff out, something new comes along to throw us off our game."

"Not that." Charlie said, waving his statement off. Sam looked at her, confused, not sure what she was referring to. She took a breath and pulled a book out of her duffle throwing it on Sam's lap. 'Mystery Spot' By Carver Edlund. "You say these books happened in real life. That everything written in them actually went down…but the past two times I've been around you guys…you certainly dont act like you do in the books."

Sam skimmed the first page of the book and chuckled, tossing it back on the bed next to Charlie. "Yeah, well, things have just been different, I guess."

"So, you used to love and support each other, no matter what and now you just, what? Stopped?" She asked.

"It's…" Sam scoffed and shook his head. "things are just, more complicated now…"

"You maybe, wanna elaborate there buddy?" She asked. "I may be a genius, but a mind reader, I am not."

Sam let out a breath and scrubbed a hand through his hair. He figured it might feel better to at least get something off his chest. "To be honest Charlie, I dont think Dean is cut out for the job anymore."

"Why not?"

"His judgment, for one thing." Sam answered. "I don't know, just ever since he got back from purgatory… he's been…it's like he can't think straight anymore. He used to be no nonsense when it came to killing monsters and only trusting people he knew he could trust and now… I mean, I get it. Purgatory was rough on him, but the guy has literally been to Hell and back. I don't see why this time is any different."

"What do you mean?" Charlie asked softly.

"I mean like, being friends with a freaking vamp." Sam answered, coldly. "Yeah, Benny wasn't like the others, and I get the whole 'brother's in arms' aspect, but it still doesn't make sense." He waved his hand, gesturing back at the book before letting it drop. "That Dean? That Dean would have never put his trust in a monster. That Dean wouldn't let people back into his life that had screwed him over, and now…I don't know, now it's like he just doesn't care about letting people in that who could hurt him, or…people who already have."

"So, it's not just about the vampire." Charlie said. "Who else has Dean been trusting that you don't think he should?"

Sam gritted his teeth and shook his head. "Cas really messed him up Charlie. I mean, the guy already turned his back on us once and Dean just let him back into our lives like nothing even happened."

"Ah." Charlie said, with complete understanding. "Okay, I get it now."

"Get what?" Sam asked.

"I get why Dean has been acting wierd, duh." She said, like it was obvious. Sam sat, staring at her, trying to peice together what puzzle she seemed to have completed. "Oh, my God. Do you really not see it?" Charlie laughed.

"Um, no?" Sam said, skeptically.

"Wow," she scoffed. "And here I thought you were the observant one." Sam waited for her to explain herself, still utterly lost on what she was talking about. "It's Castiel." She said, speaking to him as if he were a child.

"What about him?" Sam asked, hoping like hell that she wasn't talking about the angel brainwashing his brother or something.

"I've read the books, Sam." She said. "I know all about Dean's special Angel friend."

"No." Sam shook his head. "No, chuck stopped writing after Dean went to hell. There's no way you could have a read anything about Cas."

Charlie scrunched her face and bobbed her head back and forth. "Mmmm, not exactly." She reached into her bag and pulled put her laptop, turning it on. "Remember how I said the books were online now?" Sam nodded waiting for her to continue. "Okay, dont get mad," she said as she typed "but, he may have kept writing a little bit longer than you thought…."

"He what?!" Sam said, furious. They had told that dick to knock it off after that stupid convention."How long?"

"Relax." She said, scrolling through some page on her screen. "He stopped after you sacrifice yourself to Hell, actually. It was beautifully written by the way, super emotional, but no one has seen or heard from him since."

'Good!' Sam thought to himself. He felt a little bad for that thought, since Kevin was now the prophet it meant that the reason no one had heard from Chuck was likely because he was dead, but at least no one else could know more about their lives than they already did. "Okay, but what does any of this have to do with Dean? Why would Cas be the reason he's acting wierd?"

Charlie sighed, cringing to her self a little. "Well, as you already know, where there's a fandom, there's most likely fanfiction…"

"I'm aware." Sam said, peeved by the memory of stumbling upon the fanfiction written about him and Dean.

"Look, I'm not saying anything is definite, but alot of people who write fanfiction are really good at reading between the lines." She clicked her mouse a few times before closing her laptop and setting it back in her bag. "I mean, I've read all the books myself, and I totally know that you guys are real people and not some fictional characters, and it's completely not okay to speculate on your lives and feelings or whatever...but I mean, it's kinda hard not to see where they're all coming from."

"What are you talking about, Charlie?"

"Dean said that Benny helped him fight through purgatory, right?" She said. "He met him pretty early on in his time there, no?"

"Yeah," Sam said, still completely bemused, "I guess…Dean hasn't really talked a lot about what happened while he was there. He told me some things, but he never really went into detail."

Charlie nodded and shrugged sheepishly before continuing. "Okay, so he met Benny early on, and Benny told him he had a way to get back, right off the bat. So, why did it take them so long to get out of there?"

"Dean said he spent alot of his time searching for Cas." Sam answered.

"Exactly!" She exclaimed, like that should have been the answer.

"I'm sorry Charlie, I still don't understand what you're getting at here."

"Sam, he could've come back at any point after meeting Benny. They only spent as much time as they did together, because Dean wanted to bring Castiel back with him. Even after everything he did. Don't you think that's a little…suspicious?"

"That's exactly what I've been saying!" Sam said. "Why would he do that?!"

"Yeah, Sam, why?" She said, still trying to lead him. "Why would someone run back into a fire, when they have a way out? I mean, I think you, of all people, would know the answer to that."

Sam gaped at her in shock. It took a minute for him to register what she was implying, but once he did… "Charlie, that's…"

"Just a thought!" She defended before he finished. "I'm just saying that Dean doesn't normally put his trust in people. Except, maybe…the people he REALLY cares about and the people that protect them. Maybe there's more to the story when it comes to his trust in Benny than you thought. I definitely feel like there's more when it comes to Castiel."

"Charlie, come on." Sam laughed a little. " You know Dean. He's…"

"More complicated than people give him credit for." Charlie cut him off. "He also knows how hard it is to let go of the people he loves. He's actually really bad at it. Maybe, worse than you know."

"Charlie," Sam started, before being cut off once more.

"He's definitely more concerned about you than you think." Charlie said firmly, standing up as she did. She began packing once more, keeping her eyes averted from Sam's. "He's not trying to control you, you know. He raised you, Sam. You mean alot to him. You ever think for a moment that he's just really scared for you? Scared of losing you? I mean, back to my point, he is really bad at losing people."

Sam sat in silence, petulantly mulling over Charlie's words. She was right, probably. Dean may have been scared, but it was still possible that he just couldn't hack the life anymore. Sam wasn't some child. And the other stuff she was saying…she was way off base. There was a big difference between reading about someone's and living it.

"I sent you the link to the website I used to read the books." Charlie said as she zipped up her bags. She slung her backpack over her shoulder crossing her arms as she stared him down. "I know you lived through it all and everything, but not every part was about you. There's a few things you may have missed."

"Yeah, I don't think that's gonna happen." Sam shook his head.

"Just a suggestion." She shrugged. "It might open your eyes to a few things you don't understand. I get not wanting to relive those times but…if you ever decide that's something you might wanna do, hit me up. I can tell you what chapters to skip, or whatever. And, if your really curious about Dean's relationship to Castiel, 'On the Head of a Pin' is a good place to start. The torture chapters are pretty rough, and I know you'll want to skip over your parts…but the other stuff.…" she shrugged.

"Okay." He said, at a loss for more words than that.

"You ready to roll?" Dean said, from the doorway, knocking on the door frame before entering the room.

"Looks, like it." Charlie smiled up at him as he entered.

"I didn't interrupt anything did I?" Dean asked looking between her and Sam with concern written all over his face. "You guys look a little spooked."

"Ew, gross, no." Charlie said, scrunching her face at Dean's implications. "Sam, was just helping me with my bags. Right Sam?"

"Uh, yeah…" Sam said, standing up and grabbing her duffle off the bed.

"Eh, come on, you know I'm just teasin ya!" Dean chuckled, jabbing her on the shoulder playfully. "He may have the hair, but the body parts are all wrong, right?"

"Definitely." Charlie agreed.

"Come on." Dean said, tilting his head toward the door. He waited for Charlie to leave the room, then cast a skeptical glance at Sam before following after. Sam was sure he was in for an earful after she left. He began dreading it as he said his goodbyes, anticipating the lecture as he told Charlie she was welcome to comeback at anytime. But it wasn't the only thing on his mind now. After bidding Charlie farewell, he went inside, giving the two of them their time alone. He hesitated for a moment, convinced that the trials were seriously messing with his head if he was even considering this. Then again…

He headed to the library, grabbing a peice of paper and a pen on his way and sat down. 'This is just stupid.' He thought to himself as he wrote down the words 'On the Head of a Pin'. He heard the bunker door open. Dean walked up, the look on his face telling Sam that it was time for his ass- chewing, so he decided to cut it off before it could start.

He clicked the pen closed and stood up, ready to defend his actions. "Okay, look you were right. I-I should laid low. I-I know." He said as Dean approached him."I should have hung back. I'm glad I was able.."

Then Dean grabbed him. Then Dean pulled him into a hug. It wasn't at all what he was expecting. He was lost, but relieved and hugged his brother back.

Dean chuckled and patted his back before pulling away. "What do you say we find our prophet?." Dean smiled, before smaking him in the chest and walking away.

Sam was left to himself, completely bewildered by what had just occurred. Dean had certainly not been acting like himself, but this was a whole new level. Maybe there was some truth to Charlie's words? Maybe he really was just scared? Maybe Sam really didn't know everything about his brother. Now, wasn't the time to think about that, though. Dean was right, the had to look for Kevin. They had work to do. Research.

But Dean had to sleep at some point. Maybe Sam could do a little light reading in that time.

If Charlie was right about Dean being scared for him, who knew what else she was right about?

[fenharel-archived]

oc a-z headcanons

tagged (like 500 years ago) by @arlathen sorry for doing this so late!! tagging: @rkyloren​ @bleden-mark @thalasians @lelibela @lelianasgf @noonvraith (this is really long dont feel pressured to do anything lmao! ♥)

Alignment: What would be their D&D alignment? How might it come into play?

True Neutral!! She’s neither a good person or a bad person, she doesn’t seek to follow the rules nor does she seek to break them. I guess it comes into play whenever she’s willing to discuss any possible solution to a problem, even things good alignet characters would disregard. But she never purposefully would pick the worst solution either. She’s just generally a very grey character.

Beverage: What do they most like to drink, and why?

Champagne (let’s pretend that exists in Tir Ná Lia) & Wine! But she adds water to it, she always wants to have a clear head.

Co-Habitat: Do they live with anyone? What’s “need to know” before moving in?

She lives together with Avallac’h! “Need to know” before moving into her home is that some of her pets are poisions or just downright dangerous, so don’t pet any unless she gave you her ok. Other than that there is not much you need to know! If she loves you she wants to share anything with you, so absolutly just make yourself comfortable. But respect that she likes things her way, so, there’s also that.

Decor: What kind of home do they keep? Are there any defining details?

She has a Mansion in Tir Ná Lia that’s definetly too big for her and Avallac’h lmao (It used to be hers alone for a long, long time). It’s surrounded by a giant garden with several pools, fountains, pavilions and bridges and her Tigers, Crocodiles and Peacocks live there (among other things). You walk several hundrets of stairs up to her main entrance. The Mansion is made out of white marble, on engraved on the floor you can follow an elder blood family tree that goes through all rooms of the estate. It also has high ceilings, spiral stairs (The style is all very elven, obviously), high windows and several balconies. Ivory and other plants grow inside of the mansion, like on the handrails. A lot of the walls have also been painted by Avallac’h. The entire basement are laboratories.

Escape: What do they do to de-stress? How successful is it?

Deithwen rarely feels the need to de-stress, because she’s rather the type to get energized by any kind of work. If someone close to her sits her down and tells her to relax for a bit then she likes to read (science books lmao), hang with her 45435 exotic animals, go places with her bf, and have sex.

Fluff: What hits their soft spot? Does anything turn them into emotional goo?

She secretly thinks she’s a bad person. Anyone who tells her that they think otherwise hits her soft spot perfectly. (ESPECIALLY if Deithwen values them very highly) :’/

Grudge: How bad does an insult go over? Do they hold a grudge long?

BADLY. Especially if the situation is emotionally charged she has a tendency to sting you. She can also hold a grudge forever without you ever knowing about it until it’s too late and you only realize because she stabs you in the back. :/ HOWEVER if whatever happened wasn’t bad enough for her to lose her trust on you, or she was never close to you in the first place, she doesn’t care about any grudges really. Girl has things to do.

Hobby: What’s something they do for fun that might be surprising?

Besides of cuddling her pet tiger and fucking yes witcher elves are weird and apparently not very horny and the stuff I already mentioned.... She does like to write, a journal or sometimes even fiction or poetry that she doesn’t share with anyone. She also indulges in philosophy and is downright fascinated by elven/human/etc. behaviour.

Insomnia: What’s their sleeping schedule like? Snorer? Sound sleeper?

She doesn’t sleep much and sometimes she talks! If she has trouble sleeping, she likes to have soft harp music in the background.

Jaded: Do they buy into the “happily ever after” ideal? What’s their standard?

Honestly? She doesn’t care.

Kin: What’s their role among their relations? Do they consider others family?

Yes!!! Family is low-key really important to her!! She’s an older sister, the firstborn in the family, a wife, an aunt, a sister in law, a mother!!

Law: What do they think about abiding rules? Are they selective about it?

Only if necessary, if she can bend them she’ll do it, if she can find loopholes, the better.

Magic: In a magic series or not, are they accepting, or is each instance a shock?

She’s a Sage :D

Network: Are they connected to the people? How much do they reach out to others?

She’s an extrovert and a leader type!! She has absolutly no problem reaching out to people and always had a natural charm to her and can be very inspiring!! She did had to learn over a long period of time how to hold her influence over people though, she used to disregard the fact that people are just people with needs for very long.

Offspring: What kind of parent would they be? Would they prefer one, or multiple?

Post TW3 she actually gets a daughter called Elaine!! :‘) She a very demanding mum with high standards and always has to remember that she needs to have more emotional tact with her kid than she has with other people. But she ultimatly takes her role as a mum very seriously and loves Elaine more than anything. If getting pregnat wouldn’t be so hard as an elf, she would have more than one child.

Pistol: Is this character skilled with a weapon? What’s their opinion of violence?

She has gathered some basic skills with the sword and with daggers over the years, but that has never really been her vibe. She is ultimatly most dangerous using magic. And she doesn’t believe in unecessary violence but she doesn’t shrink from it with the situation demands it (she prefers to be a type of commander though).

Question: How often do they feel doubt? What topics are they defensive about?

Not often she’s so self confident and head strong. She can be very defensive and absolutly pissed if her authority is questioned or challenged.

Reminder: How are they at remembering daily needs? What falls through the cracks?

If it comes to work she doesn’t forget shit. She’s more forgetful with anything that’s not about work, but then again she likes to plan everything and make notes and all that, so things fall rarely through the cracks.

Sing: Do they like music? Do they listen often/sing/hum/play songs in their head?

She does like music! Especially played by her bf or her sister. She used to have music lessons when she was a kid but she doesn’t really play anything anymore. Her singing voice sounds unused, but she is talented.

Touch: How do they handle contact? Is their personal bubble big?

She has a huge list of acquaintances and connections in relation to her work. She wouldn’t call any of them her friends, but she does know a lot of people and hangs with a lot of them from time to time, especially at banquetts and balls and things like that. She has a handful of real friends.

Upcoming: How much do they think of the future? Do they make long-term plans?

She thinks ahead all the time and prefers to make long term plans!! Can be about work or her personal life. She's able to change directions if an unexpected problem accurs but she always has a goal in mind.

Vice: What bad habits do they have? Is there something they would be ashamed of?

She had to learn patience for almost half her current lifetime, she made a lot of stupid mistakes because she was too rash, disregarding people who need to think longer than her.

Wardrobe: What’s their fashion style? Do they have any staple pieces?

THIS

X-Ray: How’s their health? Any problem areas? Do they take care of themselves?

She takes very good care of herself (and her loved ones!!!!). She also always smells nice and looks top notch.

Yack: What’s their favorite thing to talk about? What do they go on about?

Science............

Zodiac: What’s their astro sign? Does it fit? What would you pick, if it’s unknown? 

I picked Capricorn for her because I thought that would fit the best to her character so, yes it does fit. :D Hard working QUEEN who’s secretly sometimes baby.

[laufie]

here’s a fun story about a creepy dude/stalker i had. it was a strange situation at the time, and i realize in hindsight i should have been much more scared, but it’s been over 10 years so i can just laugh about it now. it doesn’t describe anything traumatic or graphic, but it’s quite eerie.

anyway, i was about 15 or 16 years old at the time, and it had been just over a year since i moved to canada from ukraine. i still used vk (russian equivalent of facebook) frequently to chat with friends, and had an inside joke in my bio about taking LSD. i wasn’t actually taking anything, as i said it was an inside joke.

out of nowhere, this russian dude sends me a pm about how if im really taking LSD i should be able to name some specific formula or dosage or something. i explained to him that it was an inside joke and i know next to nothing about the drug itself, and he laughed it off. we started talking because i noticed it said on his profile that he currently lived in new york, which was a place i’ve always dreamt of visiting. we ended up talking every day about random things, mostly his love of new york and the array of recreational drugs he does.

he didn’t seem dangerous. he never talked about heavy drugs like heroin or meth, and was heavily against them. he was russian of course, as he was in new york only temporarily, so i felt a sense of connection to him, since i was still overcoming the cultural shock of moving to canada. to my mind at that age he didn’t seem like he had any bad motive. he didn’t ask especially prying questions, he was always nice and well-spoken, and enjoyed philosophical discussion. he gave off a vibe of a trustworthy person, which is a note of positivity that would have persisted throughout this whole story...

had he not been 7 years older than me. an important detail that slipped through the cracks at the time - he was 22 when i was 15. i knew he was more mature than me, but as far as i remember, i never actually got to find out his age back then. in hindsight of course, aside from the glaring age difference, he did give off red flags. calling me much more mature than other girls my age was perhaps the most glaring one. at the time. and of course, the constant glorification of drugs.

mind you, this was more than 10 years ago. the internet was a different place at the time. there was no tumblr or twitter or adults that grew up using the internet to tell me to be careful as a minor. people did whatever they wanted to and got away with it. so naturally, i didn’t catch any of the red flags, neither was i even on the lookout for them in the first place.

skip forward nearly a year, my mom knows a lot about this guy, since i’m quite open with her about, well, everything. my mom has always been my best friend. that summer we were planning a 3 month long trip home, to ukraine. him and i thought it would be cool to met up, since by now he was back home in russia. for reference, ukraine is to the far left side of russia, whereas this guy lived on the polar opposite side, on a piece of russian land that is right above japan. he would have to fly across the entire russia to see me. russia. you know, that massive thing? he was perfectly fine with it. i convinced my mom to let me meet him, and she said only if he stays at our place. naturally.

he came for only a couple days. our apartment back home is quite small so with my mom and constant family guests, there was always a pair of eyes on him. it got a little bit strange eventually. he was touchy, but not in an inappropriate way at all. i’m sure it’s not due to his personal decency, and rather because he would most definitely get caught. he would try to hold my hand, or brush my hair off my face, pat my head. things like that. it didn’t go beyond that. but to me, at the time, it was a grown adult man doing it to me, which gave me an unsettling anxious feeling.

on his last day he wanted to go out because he wanted me to try a drug that he had been talking about the entire time i’ve known him. i would prefer not to go into what it is, but it has a heavy hallucinogenic effect that lasts for a very, very long time. naturally he told my mom he just wanted me to show him around, and i was in on the lie. i was curious. my mom was always very strict with coming back home right on time, so we promised her we will be home by 10 pm.

we went out at around 5. and it lasted longer than he promised. way longer. we came home at 3 am. despite the hallucinations being quite heavy and mind-boggling, the effect of the drug didn’t make me feel “out of it”. my perception of time and space was obviously very skewed, but i knew who i was and where i was, and what was happening around me. he didn’t try anything. there wasn’t even as much as an attempt. except, well, when i realized what time it was i rushed home so fast that i was not going to stop for anything. so i’m not sure. maybe the night wasn’t over in his mind yet, but it was in mine. i felt bad for my poor mother who had been worried sick since 10 pm. it was pitch black outside so i went home through a well-lit road that has a lot of cars. now that i think about it, i may have unintentionally saved myself from things getting worse.

i only stopped when we were outside my apartment, because i wanted to focus as much as i could before going in. he sat down on the bench and beckoned me to sit next to him. and he kissed me. i dont remember how exactly it happened but it just kind of did. i went along with it and didn’t say anything after, i went inside the apartment building like nothing happened. it was odd. i didn’t know what it meant, but i also didn’t care, because i wanted to see my mom as soon as i could, ad it was the only thing on my mind.

one look in my eyes and she knew everything. she told me to go to bed. i don’t know what she told him. i’m not sure she said anything. the next morning she asked me if anything happened. i assured her that i was safe. and then he was gone. she didn’t say anything to him. she just dropped him off to make sure he actually left.

after that we didn’t really talk nearly as much. we tried to keep in contact but honestly, i wasn’t as drawn to him anymore. eventually, out of nowhere, he posted some really mean and rude comments under a bunch of my pictures, and i ended up deleting him.

now for the creepiest part. nearly 4 years later we plan another trip to ukraine to visit family. i have some medical conditions with my spine that i needed to get very uncomfortable and painful massages for. my health is one of the main reasons why we took trips back home often. one day about a week or so into my trip i was leaving my apartment to get into a taxi to go to one of those massage appointments. i exit the building and there he was. sitting on the bench and just looking at me. 4 years later. not a word. across russia.

even though it was bright afternoon and a lot of people were out, i was overcome with dread. i awkwardly told him “sorry, i have to go somewhere” and rushed to get into the taxi. he didn’t say anything, just kept looking. on my way back from the massage i called one of my close old friends that worked in the UKR special forces. my mom wasn’t home and i did not feel safe returning. he picked me up and drove me home, and came in with me, all the way into the apartment, the guy wasn’t there anymore. i made my friend coffee and told him about this guy. he promised to drive by once in a while to make sure he isnt hanging out here at odd hours.

later that day at around 8 pm i got a text from an unknown number. “so, are you scared of me now?”.

i closed all my blinds and curtains, locked both entrance doors, and told my female friends not to come visit me, because he knew their faces. yes, i was scared. i was really scared. he didnt say a word to me in 4 years, somehow found out about my trip and just showed up. i wasn’t sure if i wanted to cry or scream. i knew i had to get rid of him somehow. so i responded, making up a story about being really sick and needing constant treatment, and that i made plans with all my friends to leave tonight to go to another city for 3 weeks.

he was angry with me and very upset. he expected a happy reunion i guess. i was very polite to him and apologized, saying i felt bad he traveled all this way only to be told this. he started writing really cryptic things. “i know a secret how to cure any illness of yours, you don’t need doctors, it’s like a code, you plug it in and you become anything”. “i came here to cure you because you’re the only person it will work on”. “i went to your page to ask your friends if your plans are true, but you have them hidden. why don’t you trust me anymore?”

among this he called me. over and over. between every message, a missed call i refused to pick up. eventually i broke down and asked him why is he acting like this. to which he said “because you are the only woman in the world i will ever be able to love this much”. i told him i was with someone and have been for 2 years, and to leave me alone. after a handful more cryptic messages, he stopped for a while. and ended it in a plea to forgive him. i didn’t respond to anything beyond the confession.

thankfully i had no contact with him since then, and as far as i know there have been no attempts from him. however, i don’t use russian social media anymore, and none of them are linked to any of my active “american” accounts, so to speak. so there is no way for him to find me. if you ever wondered why i never make my real name public and always go under aliases, this is largely why.

[igivethistoyou]

Journal 1

I’m going to try and write some of my journal entries through this blog from now on. I haven physically wrote in my own journal in a while. I haven’t really had the motivation to. There’s been a lot on my mind tho so I know I need to. When I would write in my journal almost daily, my mind felt less clogged. Maybe typing it out, which is a lot faster and more efficient, will help with me write more often like I used to.

Now that i’m writing i cant really figure out what has been on my mind. lol. idk if its the mercury retrograde coming up but ive been thinking alot about my past and the people who are no longer in my life. like my old “partner” and my old best friend. I miss the memories i had with them. i miss them so much i still get emotional about it. theres just so much that went wrong with both of those relations. so much that could have been preventable and so much more that could have been. I don’t really miss my old partner but I miss what i thought we had. but i know i deserved better. when i think about our whole situation i can help but get angry about it from time to time. i get angry with the fact that i still think about it sometimes. i get so tired of thinking about it. i want to forget it even happened but i just cant get over this small hill. i dont want to get mad about it but i still do. it has taken me months to come to terms with the fact that i have every right to be angry. they do too. it was just so complicated and so frustrating. i know i didnt deserve that whole mess tho. i made a mistake and they couldnt forgive me. if they couldnt forgive me they shouldnt have had me waiting and hoping on forgiveness. i was naïve. i should have left when i felt consistently unwanted. this is what bothers me. this is what makes me cry. i know now that i shouldnt have waited. but i thought we had something. i had a breakdown one day because i couldnt take it anymore. i remember it just hitting me and having to run to the restroom and turning the water on so my roomates didnt hear me crying. i was just so overwhelmed and felt like i didnt mean anything to them after months of them telling me they didnt know if they wanted to be with me or not but continuing the flirting, the late night facetime calls, the texts, and just the overall connection we had. so i cut it off and we didnt speak for a few weeks until i was in vegas visiting my family for my nephews birthday. it was awkward at first but then it felt like things went back to normal until it didn’t anymore. i asked them if they still had feelings for me and they said no. and that was it. i didnt want anything to do with them anymore and shut myself off and blocked off the pain until i got home. then i had to move to vegas and after one week here i had a dream that they were with someone else. i checked their twitter from time to time before that just to see what they were up to but they were private so it was just their pfp that i would see. but something told me to check it after i had that dream and when i did it was them with another girl. i got sooooo mad. i cant even explain it. they were already in another relationship with someone? after whatever we had just finished? this is what told me their feelings were not real. how could they be?? what could have happened in the month or two when we cut things off that made them get into another relationship? they were probably already talking to her. it was their coworker too lol she probably swooped in or something between them was already going on while we had our thing happening. i dont really know but it hurt so bad. and just a quick note; theres no way we could have both been their type...i just dont see it. no shade butttt shade lol. it probably just has to do with my confidence growing and me feeling sooo good about myself but thats all im gonna say about...that. i also found out it was a thing at least two weeks after we cut things off. at the very least lol. but now they are together doing their own thing. i dont care about my old partner anymore i couldn’t care less what they are doing but the principle is what hurts still. it made me feel unworthy, unlovable. and caused alot of self doubt. ive gotten alot better but there are days where i just think about how much i wish it didnt happen. the whole thing. like the wholeeee thing. but you live and you learn. i almost feel bad for them in the sense of them being alone. i dont think they are the kind of person that likes to be single. like i feel like they always have to have some kind of romantic relation going on. They started talking to me only a few months after their 4 or 5 year relationship ended and then got into a relationship right after we cut things off lol. but thats just my personal opinion. im not that kind of person. after every kind of ending whether it be a friendship or romantic relationship i like to have time alone with myself. i feel like so much energy is taken after an ending of something,  i need time to recuperate and just fill some of what i feel is empty. ive been doing my own thing and talking and seeing other people which had been kind of fun and kind of crazy lol but i dont think i want a relationship any time soon, at least not this summer lol.  #hotgirlsummer <3 

i found myself crying while writing  best but i feel so much better. i know my body needed to release this. i really hope i can say this will be my last time writing about this situation but sometimes it creeps up on me and i think it did today because of the mercury shadow period. i know there is still healing to do and i am trying my best to continue moving forward:)

[admirablemushroom]

chat with a stranger

[7:43 PM] ttd29: Tell me more about him [7:43 PM] ttd29: What is it that you like so much about this guy who doesnt respond to your needs? [7:43 PM] Theodore: ok so we met by playing dota2 together [7:44 PM] Theodore: he was a very nice guy who didn't scold me for feeding the enemies [7:44 PM] ttd29: Ok great start

[7:44 PM] Theodore: so for some reason i asked him his fb and we started to become friends [7:45 PM] Theodore: at the time i was dating a girl [7:45 PM] Theodore: i sent a few memes to him [7:45 PM] Theodore: u know, from r/suddenlygay, etc [7:46 PM] ttd29: Wait you’re bi? [7:46 PM] Theodore: you can say so... [7:46 PM] ttd29: Lol interesting [7:46 PM] ttd29: Anyway go on [7:47 PM] Theodore: i usually go by being gay in order to avoid surprise moments like this [7:47 PM] Theodore: anyway [7:47 PM] Theodore: we got closer and closer [7:48 PM] Theodore: i even asked him how to kiss a girl before i got that girl [7:48 PM] Theodore: then one day he was comfortable enof to admit that he's bi [7:49 PM] Theodore: and i eventually dumped my ex-gf bc i was an asshole [7:50 PM] Theodore: in my defense i felt tired to fake my masculinity [7:50 PM] ttd29: No need to defend yourself [7:50 PM] ttd29: At least you didnt cheat [7:50 PM] Theodore: then a few days later i met him in a coffee shop [7:50 PM] Theodore: that was our first meeting [7:51 PM] Theodore: and we started hanging out more often [7:51 PM] Theodore: after 2 meetings, we became boyfriends [7:53 PM] Theodore: ok after this point there was no major event [7:53 PM] Theodore: he also gave me a book 'call me by ur name' [7:53 PM] ttd29: How long did you guys date? [7:54 PM] Theodore: in the book, he signed "you're the best thing that ever happened to me" [7:54 PM] Theodore: the book has been given away to one of my friends [7:55 PM] Theodore: i can go on about how disgusting that book is but maybe another time [7:55 PM] Theodore: (not his fault, Andre aciman's fault) [7:55 PM] Theodore: then i took a 6-month exchange study [7:55 PM] Theodore: so we maintained our communication online [7:56 PM] Theodore: after getting back to vn, we went out together again [7:56 PM] Theodore: then we had arguments about this and that, i remember i was a pretty rude guy and i raised my tone a lot of times.... [7:57 PM] Theodore: must've been tiring for him to go thru all that [7:58 PM] Theodore: at the peak of the conflict, one day we were arguing about something i dont remember but pretty sure i started first [7:58 PM] Theodore: he left in the middle of the convo to play video games [7:58 PM] Theodore: which i was very angry and sad [7:59 PM] Theodore: but he also quit the match to talk to me [7:59 PM] Theodore: and u know, i was not a considerate person, i usually started a fight and made a fuss about anything [8:00 PM] Theodore: and when im stressed, i write a lot [8:00 PM] Theodore: and when i write a lot, whoever read it gets stressed too [8:01 PM] Theodore: ok i see u went offline lol, prolly u got stressed too [8:02 PM] ttd29: Lol relax [8:03 PM] ttd29: I just took a shower [8:04 PM] ttd29: And then after that what happened? [8:05 PM] Theodore: wait me, i need to finish the monstrosity i cooked [8:06 PM] ttd29: =))))) [8:06 PM] ttd29: Oke [8:20 PM] Theodore: ok so at one point i just straight up told him dont talk to me anymore [8:20 PM] Theodore: which i very regret til this day [8:21 PM] Theodore: after that text, he never answered me again [8:21 PM] Theodore: he didn't respond to anything [8:21 PM] Theodore: basically he ghosted me [8:21 PM] ttd29: For a year??? [8:22 PM] Theodore: yes [8:22 PM] Theodore: i had been through a lot of confusion, anger, self hate, regret, depression, you name it [8:22 PM] ttd29: And he never talked to you again until now? [8:23 PM] Theodore: i kept messaging him for months, until July last year i told him this would be my last text (it wasn't), which he also didnt read [8:24 PM] Theodore: and a few days ago my depression hit me so bad i had to bring up that shit again [8:24 PM] Theodore: this time i talked with a mutual friend of us [8:25 PM] Theodore: along the lines i told my fren that 'the only reason i haven't commit suicide is because my mom would be sad if i did' [8:25 PM] Theodore: my fren told my ex that i wanted to commit suicide... [8:25 PM] Theodore: -.- [8:25 PM] ttd29: Quào [8:25 PM] ttd29: Okay [8:26 PM] ttd29: Great friend [8:26 PM] ttd29: =)) [8:26 PM] ttd29: After that then what happened [8:27 PM] Theodore: anyway, i also sent him a few words that said 'i dont understand how things went wrong but im sure whatever my mistakes are, i am not deserved to be ghosted for a year like this' [8:27 PM] Theodore: after i filed a request to delete my fb account [8:27 PM] Theodore: so i told my fren find some way to make him read my last message before the account got deleted completely [8:28 PM] Theodore: actually he completed what i asked him to do, but the way he did it was a bit questionable wasn't it [8:28 PM] Theodore: in some way, he distorted what i said about suicide [8:29 PM] ttd29: Yeah that was totally not cool [8:29 PM] Theodore: anyway, my ex sent me an email to apologize bc i blocked him on all media [8:29 PM] Theodore: before i received the email, i felt like i was reborn [8:30 PM] Theodore: that i could finally give up the past and move on to the new chapter [8:30 PM] Theodore: but then... the email =.= [8:30 PM] Theodore: i just wanted him to read, i didn't want an answer anymore [8:30 PM] Theodore: it is too late for an answer [8:31 PM] Theodore: anyway i got stressed again and my emails sent to him got longer and longer [8:32 PM] Theodore: he eventually responded that he was super tired with this way of talking of mine and that's one of the reasons he gave up the relationship [8:32 PM] Theodore: i guess he had a point, i sometimes feel like im overdramatic about things [8:32 PM] Theodore: and yes when im stressed i'd write a lot and talk a lot [8:32 PM] ttd29: Yeah well [8:33 PM] ttd29: Now where are you guys? [8:33 PM] ttd29: Still exchanging emails? [8:33 PM] Theodore: so fast forward a few emails, i got friendlier and finally connected to him on discord [8:34 PM] Theodore: i dont really use discord but im not ready to reconnect with him on any other platform [8:34 PM] Theodore: so this is the choice [8:35 PM] ttd29: And you guys are talking normally now? [8:35 PM] Theodore: i guess??? idk, i dont feel that way [8:35 PM] Theodore: but, as i said, his mom is going thru cancer treatment [8:35 PM] Theodore: so he must be very busy and, in his words, he did not have the mental capacity for this [8:36 PM] Theodore: so yeah, although i really want to get back, i still feel like im chasing him [8:36 PM] ttd29: Okay got it [8:37 PM] Theodore: id been already texting to a ghost for almost a year, now i still have to try to get his attention [8:37 PM] Theodore: but [8:37 PM] Theodore: i cant blame him because who knows what his situation right now [8:37 PM] ttd29: Was about to ask why do you want to get back together but realize that’s a redundant question lol [8:38 PM] Theodore: here [8:38 PM] Theodore: also cuz he's cute so it's not that easy :frowning: [8:38 PM] ttd29: =))) [8:38 PM] ttd29: Lol [8:39 PM] ttd29: Cute guys are abundant out there waiting for you [8:39 PM] ttd29: Anyway [8:39 PM] Theodore: just enjoy my awkward humor amidst a stressful story [8:39 PM] ttd29: I kind of understand what you’re going through [8:39 PM] ttd29: Enough to know that you wont be rational right now lol [8:39 PM] Theodore: ... [8:39 PM] Theodore: thats disappointing [8:40 PM] ttd29: If i tell you he’s not the right guy for you, would you suddenly stop wanting him? [8:40 PM] ttd29: I don’t think so [8:41 PM] Theodore: that's what u think [8:41 PM] Theodore: this afternoon u said something that was quite impressing [8:41 PM] Theodore: but now it's not cuz i forgot [8:41 PM] ttd29: :slight_smile: [8:41 PM] ttd29: I said [8:41 PM] ttd29: It’s okay to miss someone [8:42 PM] Theodore: here [8:42 PM] ttd29: But you need to be rational enough to know whether they are good for you [8:42 PM] ttd29: That’s the more important part of the equation [8:43 PM] Theodore: it's so pity to give up such a beautiful story like that, i literally could turn it into a wattpad series which makes fangirls cry out every night [8:43 PM] Theodore: what we had together was so romantic and any relationship which came after was incomparable [8:44 PM] ttd29: This right here my fren [8:44 PM] ttd29: Is why every relationship comes after are not comparable [8:45 PM] ttd29: You havent fully dealt with your shit yet so everyone else are just rebounds [8:45 PM] ttd29: You think they would cure you, but you need to cure yourself first [8:45 PM] Theodore: i never found any friends that were so compatible with me like him, let alone a lover [8:46 PM] Theodore: for real, if i had great friends, i could have just turned to my friends and never given a shit about him [8:46 PM] Theodore: but i've always been a lonely person [8:47 PM] ttd29: Do you ever think [8:47 PM] ttd29: You’re so consumed by your pain, that you’re not letting your friends in? [8:47 PM] Theodore: ive been always like this since kindergarten [8:48 PM] ttd29: Like what? [8:48 PM] Theodore: alone [8:49 PM] ttd29: Lol it’s all connected together now [8:50 PM] ttd29: You’re always alone. So once you found someone who cares, you put wayyy too much pressure on that person to care for you [8:50 PM] Theodore: wow [8:50 PM] ttd29: So they cracked [8:51 PM] ttd29: Yeah [8:51 PM] ttd29: At least that’s the vibe I got from our conversations [8:52 PM] ttd29: And then you never really let anyone in to care for you after that person left. [8:52 PM] ttd29: I’m sure your friends really care about you. But you don’t tell them how they can help you so they must be frustrated as well [8:52 PM] ttd29: Hence the suicidal distortion thingy [8:53 PM] ttd29: Maybe they were concerned and wanted to help, but didnt know how to [8:54 PM] Theodore: hmmm [8:54 PM] Theodore: w8 me, im on a phone call w mum [8:54 PM] Theodore: brb [8:54 PM] ttd29: Oke [9:12 PM] Theodore: you are right about the whole thing [9:12 PM] Theodore: i wouldn't say i didn't let anyone care me after he left [9:13 PM] Theodore: it's just hard for me to connect with someone on that deep level [9:13 PM] Theodore: i used to be quite clingy around friends who i found compatible with me [9:14 PM] Theodore: but at the end of the day, i think it's important to know that they also have their own lives [9:14 PM] Theodore: so i dont really have friends anymore, cuz i feel like im bothering them [9:15 PM] ttd29: What is this deep level that you were able to connect with the guy? [9:15 PM] Theodore: yeah i have best friends here and there but i dont find myself comfortable as i was with my ex [9:17 PM] Theodore: he's both a best friend and a lover; we shared a lot of hobbies and favorite topics, ... and also i felt like he would always be there to lend me an ear, unlike a normal friend [9:17 PM] Theodore: which has been proved to be incorrect lol [9:17 PM] ttd29: Sounds like you need a hug lol [9:18 PM] Theodore: i really appreciate that u are staying here to listen to me [9:18 PM] Theodore: and u gave some very interesting insights that no one else did [9:18 PM] Theodore: prolly becuz they didn't care enof, or they just wanted to quickly conclude my problems so they could go to sleep [9:19 PM] ttd29: Haha i’m flattered [9:19 PM] ttd29: Idk you just sound like you really need to talk this out [9:20 PM] Theodore: and now that we're connected on discord, i kept getting mixed signals from him [9:20 PM] ttd29: I believe being able to talk about our problems always help [9:20 PM] Theodore: i'm a bit obsessed to discord recently and i found myself waiting for a dm from him [9:20 PM] Theodore: :neutral_face: [9:21 PM] ttd29: You know what your problem is? [9:21 PM] Theodore: i dont want to... you know... after all the shit ive been thru, i now have to continue waiting for him [9:21 PM] ttd29: You never really get a full closure from him [9:22 PM] ttd29: I mean he just ghosted you out of the blue. Then he only came back and apologized when he thought you were going to committ suicide [9:22 PM] Theodore: yes, please continue [9:22 PM] ttd29: You never got a sincere apology [9:23 PM] Theodore: you are right... [9:23 PM] ttd29: That’s why you’re so hung up [9:23 PM] ttd29: And you got your own problems to fix to [9:23 PM] ttd29: Starting from your “clinginess” [9:24 PM] ttd29: He’s not going to fix that problem for you [9:24 PM] ttd29: And if you guys got back together, you will eventually break up again, because the root of the problem was never resolved [9:24 PM] Theodore: you are right [9:25 PM] ttd29: I don’t want to tell you what to do. But you surely deserve an in-person, sincere apology from him, for leaving you in the worst way possible [9:26 PM] Theodore: i suppose [9:26 PM] Theodore: but he's in an emotional distress, so i cant really blame him, or expect anything from him [9:26 PM] Theodore: im thinking about ending this come-back plan from my side [9:27 PM] Theodore: i think he wont give a shit lol, because he also said we would still break up if none of us changed [9:28 PM] ttd29: Yeah so if he is aware of that [9:28 PM] Theodore: i really thought i had improved myself as a person after all the regret, but now that we found out that i still have a tendency to cling to people i care about and that makes them suffocated [9:28 PM] ttd29: And if he really did love you and respect you enough, he would understand you need this, Theodore. [9:29 PM] ttd29: This is your problem that you need to work on improving [9:29 PM] Theodore: need what? an apology? [9:29 PM] ttd29: Yes [9:29 PM] ttd29: A sincere apology [9:29 PM] ttd29: Not an “i only apologize because i think you’re going to commit suicide” [9:30 PM] Theodore: you are right, the moment i knew that was the reason he apologized, i was shocked and disappointed [9:30 PM] Theodore: shall i keep waiting for anything from him? [9:30 PM] ttd29: Just text him that [9:31 PM] Theodore: no, i dont want to [9:31 PM] ttd29: :))) if i were there, I would snatch the phone from you and text him myself [9:31 PM] Theodore: u seem like a cool friend to be around :)) [9:31 PM] ttd29: You said he was mature enough to know it’s not a good idea to get back together [9:32 PM] ttd29: So be it [9:32 PM] ttd29: But he must admit he was wrong [9:32 PM] ttd29: Wrong to treat you like that [9:32 PM] Theodore: i also asked him for an in-person meeting but he declined becuz he's busy with his mom [9:33 PM] Theodore: i think it will take a long time for him to get over that, and by that time he will have forgotten about me probably lol [9:33 PM] ttd29: Or via text, or via email or whatever. [9:33 PM] ttd29: Get him to apologize sincerely [9:34 PM] Theodore: he did apologize me multiple times [9:34 PM] ttd29: Okay fine [9:34 PM] ttd29: If you’re think they’re sincere then they are [9:34 PM] Theodore: even on discord, one time he asked me how i was doing and i told him about my depression and he apologized [9:34 PM] ttd29: But if they are not then you should get one [9:34 PM] ttd29: Omg no that’s not sincere [9:34 PM] ttd29: :slight_smile: [9:34 PM] Theodore: ??? its not [9:35 PM] Theodore: how do i know [9:35 PM] ttd29: Why must his apology always be connected to your mental state [9:35 PM] Theodore: he's not capable of writing dancing words like me [9:35 PM] Theodore: idk?? [9:35 PM] Theodore: so it's not sincere... [9:36 PM] ttd29: A sincere apology should be when you guys are both in normal state [9:36 PM] ttd29: And you know that he’s really sorry for what he did [9:37 PM] ttd29: Not just because he thinks saying sorry would make you not depressed/want to commit suicide/etc [9:37 PM] Theodore: got it [9:37 PM] Theodore: aww fren thanks for helping me realize it [9:38 PM] Theodore: maybe i still have feelings for him and want us to be back so i did put the bar quite low for an apology [9:38 PM] ttd29: Lol I need to consider becoming a mental therapy [9:39 PM] ttd29: Yeah to be frank I don’t think getting back together is a good idea [9:39 PM] ttd29: You need to deal with your emotional baggage first [9:39 PM] Theodore: okay [9:39 PM] Theodore: so no waiting for him [9:39 PM] ttd29: Yeah!!!! [9:39 PM] ttd29: Work on yourself [9:40 PM] Theodore: ok... [9:40 PM] Theodore: haizzz... [9:40 PM] Theodore: such a beautiful story

[emmiiiiee]

love and other drugs

i know that i don’t post regularly. actually, nowadays i post rarely. tumblr isn’t a place i go very often, because life is now a place i don’t need an escape from. however, sometimes, life gets a little rough and the days a little tough, and i need to put my feelings down somewhere. i hope that you will forgive me for dumping them here.

in september, i started my second year, my third semester, of uni. i had signed up to be an extended guide for this years new students, and was, alongside two of my friends, assigned a smaller group of 30 people. we would be their guides, help them through the first little while of uni, and answer any and all questions they may have had. amongst these 30 people were 3 guys that i quickly befriend. thomas, thomas, and aaron. 

- just fyi, these are fake names. even though, im fairly certain that this post will never come to their attention, i dont want to feature their real names. two of them do share the same name, so i made their fake names the same as well. whatever. back to the story. -

so, thomas, thomas, and aaron quickly became “my boys”. All three of them are roughly 6 months older than me, but they were my little boys, because they were all a year below me. we talked a lot and they all asked me to consider placing them in the same study group (since that was my responsibility, as their “guide”) and so i did. they all loved me, because i helped them and i gave them the study group of their dreams. and, in turn, they gave me drinks, shots, compliments their attention, and their respect. and one of them gave me a little more than that.

at parties, aaron gave me his entire attention for the whole of the evening, he payed me compliment after compliment, and he wasn't shy about telling me that i was hot, i was amazing, or how much he liked making me blush. he was an annoying shit, more charming than anyone i had ever met, more charismatic and fun, and someone who regularly made my heart flutter. he made me smile, made me laugh, made me happy. genuinely. 

we have kissed. once. very drunkenly. and i cant really find out how to do again. i cant find the courage to kiss him again. cant find the courage to tell him how happy he makes me. that he is the first person who has, by a romantic connection, made me feel this happy, since i was 14. i dont know how to tell him that. so i haven't, yet. but things have really progressed and i can feel him getting closer. he has started calling me cute pet names and is now refusing when i offer to pay for his drinks. he's more than compliant to buy mine, however. he regularly asks me to go out when he needs a cig, even though he knows i dont smoke anymore. we do that alone, and if we dont then we leave before the others, or stay after they have gone. we are often either alone or somehow secluded, from the crowd, in each others company.

2 fridays ago, on the 17th of november, we hung out most of the evening. by 8 PM, he told me he had to leave, because he was going to a birthday party. i asked him to stay, just an hour longer, and he told me that he had already stayed an hour and a half longer and that he couldn't “stay any longer, babe.” we hugged goodbye, looked each other in the eye for a second or two too long, and separated. an hour later, i was speaking to one of the two thomas, who was completely drunk. he was talking about aaron and how he was kinda worried about him. and before i had even noticed what was happening, those 3 words that i never wanted to hear, tumbled out of his careless mouth.

“he’s on coke.”

my best friend knows aaron. she used to see his best friend and the relationship didn’t end well. she met aaron twice, drunk, and made assumptions about him based on his best friend and her bitter relationship with him. she told me he did coke. that he was a player. that he didn’t care about anything. i never wanted to believe her, so i didn’t. but, in the case of drugs, i was wrong. and now, im at a point where i dont know what to do.

im completely miserable and heartbroken. here’s a boy, who makes me happy and whole, and so confused about myself. and he’s out doing fucking drugs. and i haven't seen him since that night, since november 17th, and it’s been killing me. i saw him today, briefly, before he left. his friends told me he had suffered a concussion last friday, because he had been too drunk and had ran, headfirst, into a door. when i questioned them further, i was shown videos and photos of him doing stupid shit, and i, jokingly, asked them what kind of drugs he was on. they both turned completely silent, awkwardly laughing, and denying it. i know if they didn’t know he was on it, they would have laughed alongside me and joked that he may had been tripping on some shit. while i fake laughed, i wept inside.

people don’t know how happy he makes me. which is why it’s so annoying when they tell me to let it go and move on. because i don’t want to leave a boy behind who has made me feel somewhat whole again. so, i don’t really know what to do. what to think. how to react. he means so much already, but i’m not going to enter a relationship with a drug addict. he needs to be clean before i am willing to give my entire heart to him. 

i am not going to be his savior.

he will not be my charity case.

neither of us deserve that.

so now, here i am. a mess. confused and heartbroken, hoping that this story will turn out happy. that we will find our way to each other. that i will find him and he will find me and we will find happiness, within each other.

i’ll let you know what i find. if someone did stay up until this point, thank you. i can’t tell you how much it means.

- em ❤

[terselylove]

Self Care Is Anything That Brings You Back Home To Yourself

As a writer, I have always been inspired by the concept of contrast. I have always been a firm believer in the fact that there can be beauty in even the most difficult moments, that where there is hardship, there can also be growth.

And that is why I have grown to learn that self care also requires contrast. I have grown to learn that even the smallest things I do for myself throughout my day, help to empower me and bring me back home to myself in the most transformative ways. Over the years, I have taught myself how to safeguard my mind and my body, how to choose them every single day, how to focus on being less perfect, and more real, in a world that sometimes forgets to do so. Over the years, I have fought for my own self care, I have reminded myself every single day what it means to take care of myself the way I take care of others. And it is within those moments, it is within those corners of the day, where I have figured out what it means to make my life beautiful.

Because this is what they don’t tell you — beauty is so much more than simply putting on your favorite lipstick. Beauty is so much more than having incredible skin. True beauty, real beauty, is bred within the act of choosing yourself. True beauty, real beauty, is self care. So take care of yourself. Be kinder to yourself. Make room for yourself every single day. Make time for yourself in your routine, be less passive in the ways you connect with your own soul. Just be gentle with yourself. Learn about yourself, and invest in the things that ignite you and make you feel good — because beauty is both mental and physical, it is something you have to work at each day.

If you are unsure of where to start — below are a few things I do throughout my day that help me to come back home to myself. I promise that when you start to invest in both your mind and your body, you are also investing in your happiness, your empowerment, and your confidence, because you’re investing in a life that works for you, and that gives back to you. You’re investing in a life that makes you happy on your own terms.



1. Safeguard your morning routine.

Switch out certain physical routines with things that take longer to come to fruition. This is all about making small micro shifts towards taking more time for yourself each morning.Instead of buying coffee on the road, use a french press. Grind your beans. Take a moment to create something that you enjoy, be present in the process. On that same note, this could be reflected in the kind of products that you use.Try to choose items that make you connect with yourself. Use a face brush, like a Foreo LUNA Mini 2 to wash your face instead of splashing water on it and rushing to get ready. Use a thick moisturizer that smells invigorating to you — taking the time to let it sink into your skin is like taking time for yourself, and smelling something that appeals to you is scientifically proven to pull you deeper into a moment. I use the It Cosmetics Confidence in a Cream Moisturizing Super Cream — it has bergamot essential oils in it, which studies have shown increases feelings of positivity and wellness.

2. Set an intention for the day.

Before you look at your phone, or open your computer, take a few moments to write out a morning intention. Invest in using your mind first thing in the morning for something that feeds your soul, that causes you to think about things other than social media, or emails, or getting right into the swing of your business. Really sit down with yourself, and decide who you want to be for that day.My intentions are often single words, little reminders that I can carry with me throughout my day. I will put the word on a post-it and tack that to my fridge, or to the bathroom mirror, or my wallet — any place or item I know I will be in contact with a lot during the passing hours. Whenever I see the word, it reminds me to be kinder to myself, or to say yes to something that scares me, or to stretch and relax my muscles for five minutes, etc.

3. Get ready.

As someone who always worked from home, whenever I failed to put myself together, I always felt restless and a little anxious towards the end of the day. I was in a less inspired, less active, mindset. I was almost too relaxed, and sometimes that would make me less productive than I had to be for that day. That lack of productivity wouldn’t feel good — it would ignite a lot of anxiety within me. However, this changed when I started to make an effort to get ready each morning.As simple as it sounds, the act of getting yourself ready for the day, even if you don’t plan on leaving the house, does something for you psychologically. It prepares you, and sets the tone for the following hours. Whatever you do, it humanizes you, it makes you feel more put together, and that in turn causes your mindset to shift towards productivity.For me, putting on a few key makeup products like my favorite Tarte Lights, Camera, Lashes 4-in1 Mascara and Becca’s beautifully glowy Champagne Pop highlighter , getting on my favorite jewelry, and getting dressed for the day in clothing that is comfortable, is key to feeling ready to tackle all of the things I want to accomplish within a day. It all comes together to make me feel more like myself. It makes me feel human.

4. Be kind to your body.

At the end of the day, your body is yours for the rest of your life, and it is going to carry you throughout your days. So invest in it just as much as you invest in bath bombs, and face masks, and other things that help you to nurture yourself. Nourish yourself, too.This isn’t to say that you have to run a marathon in a week, or go on a healthy diet that feels restrictive to you. Start slow, make micro-shifts towards a healthier lifestyle. Put good food into your body, set alarms on your phone that remind you to drink water, go for a walk, stretch every thirty minutes if you sit at a computer all day, etc. Put effort into yourself.While eating healthy, and working out, may not always be the most exciting aspect of your daily routine, while they may feel like chores rather than moments to look forward to — you have to understand that sometimes self care isn’t fun. Sometimes, it is difficult to choose yourself in the ways that will best elevate you, but once you do, you will be glad that you did, because internally you know that you are taking care of yourself.

5. Confront your anxiety.

Whenever something is making you anxious throughout the day — write it down. Always write it down. Don’t let these things spiral out of control because you never sat with them. If something causes worry, if something makes you feel less than worthy, if anything negatively impacts your day — write it down, and confront it. Always confront it.By being proactive in your self care, by taking the time to feel your feelings, and deal with them in the moments they occur, you don’t hold onto them. You can let them go. And when you let go of those stressors, self care stops becoming something that you only need in reaction to burnout or really bad days. You don’t deplete yourself, you don’t create a bottleneck of emotions within you. You let things go. They don’t weigh you down anymore. You free yourself, little by little.The same thing goes for social media. Confront the accounts and the people you follow that make you feel bad about yourself. You are a reflection of the content you consume, it affects you more than you know, just like the people you see in real life the most or the books you read or the shows you watch. So pay attention to the accounts that make you feel bad, and unfollow them. Safeguard your social space, just as much as you safeguard your physical space. Take care of your mental health.

6. Let your day go.

I mean this literally — wash the day away. Use a scrub like Tree Hut Coconut Lime sugar scrub, or some sort of relaxing mask, like my favorite orange scented Dermalogica masque,  at night. Take a shower. Do not jump into bed with your school work, or your emails, or a show that causes you to actively ignore the fact that you need to calm yourself and relax. Really cherish your nights. Make them your own special moment in the day where you can let go. Tomorrow is a new day. Invest in that.

7. Find your gratitude.

Write in a gratitude journal. Whenever you are feeling overwhelmed, look at that journal. Remind yourself of the ways in which you have an incredible life. Remind yourself of the things that have made you smile, of the people you have met that have impacted your life. Listen to a podcast or read a book that ignites your mind. Do something that you feel passionate about. Before you sleep, just come back home to yourself. 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

lately ive been reciting journals in my head. or i guess i’m just talking to myself? but i’m in my head a lot; as if i’m writing it though. i dont know if thats any better. 

i feel like i don’t care anymore. i really just dont care about anything at all. which is better than everything, i have to admit. being so overwhelmed by it is incredibly taxing on everything in my being and physical self. sometimes i think i could die within weeks, you know? but not like suicide - just.. something will happen. but i’ve always felt like i was waiting. 

maybe that’s still anxiety too. that’s how i’ve described anxiety for most of my life because i didnt understand it. i just felt like i was waiting. constantly waiting. something is going to happen. my mind is very programmed. and maybe right now that base subconcious feeling of anxiety that cant be relieved by medication is whats eating at me. 

sometimes it feels like living in flashbacks. sometimes i have them, but it’s just in my head. like i get this sudden memory of something i probably forgot for a reason and like.. i repressed a lot. i normalized a lot. and as i’ve developed into this person now and lived my experiences and met people of different backgrounds i realized this was not normal. and i struggled with this years ago living in oshawa and i coped by becoming a near total recluse. i had no friends in person for YEARS because i couldnt cope with the massive change and sudden realization that it wasnt normal. and i broke down a lot - it really drove me crazy and being isolated probably didnt help. 

and i kind of repressed this too. like the whole relationship has become a very painful memory for me and the one following is even worse and i think those things are really telling in how i was able to normalize really bad things because i just didnt know. 

i don’t really know now either. i think i have obsessive compulsive tendencies and am currently coping by watching an endless amount of documentaries. like i haven’t experienced enough, i dont know enough and i’m in such a perilous situation that i dont have the time or resources to invest to save myself right now. like the smartest thing i can do, i honest to god believe, is to admit i just don’t have it right now. it’s like learning to play guitar. you try try try try try but you’re not going to play van halen a week into picking up a guitar. 

like i just want to keep learning and absorbing but rarely am i retaining much of it beyond a few days and it’s not useful enough to bring me anything. i try to focus on my very few current projects and i cannot believe it’s still going and i canot believe i managed to accomplish what i have at my worst. but i could do more, i have the time to do more but i’m not and it’s frustrating but it’s not there. i don’t know whats not there but something isnt there. i have a passion. maybe its the drive. i dont know. maybe im even more depressed than i thought. 

i’m biding time. i’m repeating old habits; repeating family traditions. i watched my father bide time until he died. he just waited. he just sat there and literally waited to die. that’s totally nuts but i literally witnessed a human being just give upand sit and wait. just sit. and wait. for weeks, for months. 

why am i doing this to myself? i dont know. i’m moderately healthy. my mind is killing me. my brain is killing me. 

ive looked at him lately and wondered what im doing. i mean, i love him. i really love him. but i just wonder like.. what are we doing. we’re both so angry at life for the right reasons, to be honest. i feel like theres a certain nature vs nurture and i think naturally he connected with the world and had an understanding of things similar to the way i have had and even though he had  a more priviledged life which has led to other unrelatable issues, i think we are very similiar at our base core. i know how he thinks. i think if he slowed down and had the ability to disconnect from himself for a longer period of time, he’d know how i thought too and would be able to predict things a lot better as well. 

then sometimes in my romantic fantasy land i wonder if it could happen. could we just be together. live together. share a life together? as much as i want to romanticize it, i feel like the reality would not be so rose colored. i think we’d run into enough issues that this playful affair would no longer be fun. like i’m flawed and relatively useless in a lot of ways. i dont have a real income. i havent had a real job in years. like thats just the shitty fact of my life. and i’m not tryng to get down on myself or cry about this; i guess i get it now. it probably would be better for him to rent a room from a random on his own than live with me. he slipped the other day and said, “i dont want you dependent on my income”. i dont know if i would be - i’ve lived and existed without it for many months now. but it would be largely advantageous to my life and i dont know how its a benefit to him. it cant just alll be love. i dont bare his children. i come with baggage and no dowry. pill bottles and fucked up cats. a smoking habit i cant even afford but yet.. smoke everyday somehow. i’m kind of fucked, honestly. i think if i was on the other side i’d probably not live with me either. 

ideally id like to be someone a person would find benefit sharing a life with though. i do have that desire. i dont know how to translate that desire or how to work towards it with my hundreds of obstacles but i’d like to figure it out and that’s something you do on your own, not while you’re sharing your life. if you have no independent life to share, what is there? just alot of taking. just a lot of living off someone else, i guess. i mean, i have money. but its not sustainable even on my own so it’s kind of paltry to offer it as anything meaningful to anyone else. 

this doesnt take away from the fact that right now, it would be a fair trade off - if he willingly moved to my current place until the summer, my rent debt would be paid off and i’d have additional months to get better / recover and find additional income or atleast have the ability to move out without tarnishing my rental record and be somewhere small and affordable.he would be able to get away from his mother but stay within an established life he’s built, which is what he wants. i dont think he really wants to just move away somewhere on his own and only go to work. he could pay minimum rent and have maximum freedom until the summer which still lets him save some kind of money for whatever he chooses.

but how do you set that limitation in a romantic relationship? “we’ll move out seperately for whatever reason later”. sounds nice but i’ll probably cry like a bitch. 

[trendingnewsb]

Mother’s Day Gift Guide: Gifts For The Regular Mom, The Cool Mom & Everyone In Between

What greater holiday is there than a day that celebrates the strong, beautiful women who raised us? Go ahead, try to think of one, Ill wait. 4th of July you say? Okay. Anyway, Mothers Day really does serve as a reminder that we should be really really nice to all the moms in our lives because we too may be mothers some day and we dont want a bitchy daughter who doesnt appreciate us.  So its good karma to get them a gift, right?  A betchs mom is the most important lady in her life. Shes given us endless words of wisdom on fuckboys, shes reluctantly allowed us to borrow steal her clothes, and she always picked us up from school when we were feeling sick.  Shes molded us into the betch we are today, and for that we are forever grateful.  To show her how much you love her, were giving you a list of all our favorite brands/gift ideas that are perfect for every type of mom in your life. Welcome to the Betches Mother’s Day Gift Guide 2017.

FOR THE MOM WHO STILL GRABS CANDY FOR HERSELF AT THE CHECKOUT COUNTER

Hats off to this mom, she still answers to her sugar cravings and DGAF. Elevate her candy standards with Sugarfinas Sweetest Mom Candy Bento Box and watch it disappear within 20 minutes of her opening it. If shes into the juicing craze like any betchy mom, feel free to gift her a bottle of Pressed Juicery x Sugarfinas green juice gummy bears. Its the perfect candy she can eat while convincing herself that shes healthy AF. These are the chicest and yummiest candies ever, and Im sure this mom wont mind if you steal a few for yourselfmaybe

FOR THE ZEN AF MOM YOU CAN ALWAYS VENT TO

This mom is amazing because she has the patience to listen to us talk shit about irrelevant shit for hours and somehow make us feel 10 times better in the end. Philosophy is a fave brand of ours, not just because of their amazing products, but also because of their values. Its the wellness brand version of the mom who always sends you inspirational articles and makes sure you never leave the house without food in your stomach. To reward this woman for putting up with your crazy ass, give her the Moments of Grace boxthe perfect set of shower, fragrance, and moisturizing products.

FOR THE MOM WHO KNOWS HOW TO MAKE A HOUSE A HOME (AND WONT LET YOU EAT ON THE COUCH)

This mom might have come off as a little strict and slightly neurotic due to her strict house rules you lived under as a young betch, but you now understand it was all worth it for the image of a perfect home. Shes classy, shes elegant, and shes not afraid to tell you to fuck off when you deserve it. Giving her a Venus Et Fleur box is not just giving her clich flowers for Mothers Day, its giving her a centerpiece for her precious home. These are the most beautiful flowers and they last for an entire year. There are several colors to choose from so you can def find one to match the living room couch. PS, theyre having a pop-up shop at Saks specifically for Mothers Day, so go with your siblings and get her the most Instagrammable flowers ever.

FOR THE MOM WHO WANTS TO BE INA GARTENS BEST FRIEND

This mom spends half her life watching the Food Network and the other half begging her husband to agree to redoing the kitchen. As such, she takes great pride in all her kitchen essentials, and each time you come home theres a new blender or toaster. Although you have barely any space for a wooden spoon in your apartments kitchen and deem it acceptable to microwave water for your tea, this mom would rather be caught dead than without at least 25 different spatula options. Cuisinart is the perfect place to find the best and newest kitchen products that this mom will die over, like the QuicKettle and the PrepExpress. If you get her any of their products, I foresee massive amounts of free food in your future.

FOR THE MOM WHOS NOT AFRAID TO BLACK OUT AT FAMILY DINNERS

This mom is always invited to hang with you and your friends whenever shes in town. As a betch who can single-handedly create a party out of thin air, her Mothers Day gift needs to suit her hostess needs. Kim Crawford Wine is the perfect bottle to whip out on any given occasion, and with summer around the corner, it is officially ros season. Their website has tons of amazing recipes, including fros, sothis mom will def exploit a bottle of Kim Crawford ros for all its worth. If she also happens to be an Insta whore, were sorry in advance.

FOR THE MOM WHO GIFTED YOU YOUR WITTY SENSE OF HUMOR

This mom has passed on her good genes of having no filter and always has the entire family in tears at Thanksgiving dinner (like, the good kind). We were always afraid of what kind of backhanded bitchy comment she might make at our frenemies when we were younger, but we loved her anyway and secretly enjoyed it. If shes begging you not to get her anything this year, at least get her the perfect card from Shop Betches.

FOR THE MOM WHOS PUTTING OFF BOTOX FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE

This mom has had perfect skin her entire life and is now in overdrive doing everything she can to keep it that way.  Washing her face isnt just something she does a couple times a day, its now an insane obsession. To make sure this mom is getting the most out of her incessant face cleansing, get her the Soniclear brush from Michael Todd Beauty. The antimicrobial brush stays cleaner and fresher for longer, and cleans deep into your pores.  Lets be real, youre probs going to get one for yourself as well. Also, since shes probs big into blending, you should get her the Sonicblend brush to apply her makeup flawlessly.

FOR THE MOM WHO WON’T LET YOU ANYWHERE NEAR HER KITCHEN

This mom has a panic attack whenever there’s too many people in the kitchen (which for the most part means if there’s anyone in there besides her). She’s a firm believer in “a place for everything and everything in its place”, which as a betch you can only relate to on the level of your apartment’s bar cart.  Joseph Joseph has the perfect modern organizational kitchen shit that will perfectly encourage this mom’s obsessive compulsive habits, but at least the kitchen will look sleek AF so who cares. We love their Nesting Bowl Sets and their super chic Worktop Savers.

FOR THE MOM WHO ALWAYS FALLS ASLEEP WITH HER IPAD ON HER FACE

This mom can’t get enough of her Facebook feed and loves to send you videos of dogs at all hours of the night. She probably thinks she’s squinting at all her screens because she’s old, but really it’s because no ones eyes should not be staring at this shit all day. Felix Gray glasses are v trendy-looking and protect your eyes from the blue light emitted from all our electronics’ screens, so mom won’t have to fight through the headaches to continue scrolling through Insta anymore. Our offices fan favorites are the Turing and Nash frames.

FOR THE MOM WHO JUICED BEFORE IT WAS COOL

This mom has been a juice drinking yoga freak since before you were born, and she’s always looking for new ways to show the world that she’s healthier and has more of her shit together than anyone else. Daily Harvest delivers fresh soups, smoothies, chia parfaits and overnight oats to your door on your schedule. This way, mom can get her fav smoothies delivered at 3pm just in time for her to consume before her 5pm spin class. If you didn’t think eating healthy could be convenient, neither did we, but here we are.

FOR THE MOM WHO HAS EVERYTHING YOU NEVER KNEW YOU NEEDED

This mom may seem like a hoarder, but in reality she’s just a collector of random shit that will impress people. Totally different. Also, we are not ones to talk about hoarding as evidenced by our closets. Anyway, Tovolo is the perfect place to shop for this mom because while it’s super fun for us to look through all the fun kitchen gadgets they have, it will be that much more fun for her because she’ll know exactly what to do with whatever you get her. “OMG, skull ice molds?! This will be perfect for Debbie’s divorce party!”  We love their Clear Ice System and Stainless Steel Cocktail Shaker.

FOR THE MOM WHO ALWAYS LOSES SHIT

As a young mom, this one relied on her children to remind her of her dentist appointments or whenever she accidentally left the stove on. Though shes the most scatter-brained person you know, shes so lovable youve never (really) faulted her for it. Plus, her lack of having her shit together taught you how to be a proactive, multitasking betch. To make this moms life a little easier as her brain is only getting worse with age (sorry but its true), get her Tile for Mothers Day so you never have to get another phone call about her missing keys again. All she has to do is attach the little Tile to whatever it is she loses every day and connect it to her phone through Bluetooth and voil, when she needs to find either thing she can make em ring (I did not do that on purpose but I apologize).

FOR THE MOM WHO REALLY WANTS TO LOSE 3 POUNDS BUT HATES THE GYM

This mom might sound very familiar because she is all of us. She would much rather spend an hour at book club talking shit than hitting the gym, but the thought of showing up to Southampton for the summer in her current state is freaking her out. Do her a favor and buy her HUM Nutritions Skinny Bird, a natural weight loss supplement. If youre feeling really generous, they also have a Turn Back Time supplement that helps with skin cell protection. Time to pop some pills!

FOR THE BRAND NEW MOM

This mom has been MIA because she is now with child and a real human and also struggling to get more than 4 hours of sleep at night. Brighten up her day by getting her little Betch In Training a baby onesie from Shop Betches.

FOR THE MOM WHO IS ALWAYS ON THE GO

This mom has always been your business betch inspiration, as youve admired her for balancing her work and home life so well. Despite being super important at her company, she somehow found the time to proofread all your high school papers and prepped you for every job interview youve ever had.  Soap & Glory is the perfect cheeky and empowering cosmetic brand that this mom absolutely NEEDS in her life. Since shes always running from mandatory family breakfast to business meeting, get her some of our favorites like their Rushower Dry Shampoo and their Hand Food hydrating hand cream.

FOR THE MOM WHO ALWAYS KEEPS IT SIMPLE

This mom is a woman of few words, but always knows what to say. You can find her in the yoga studio in the morning and hosting a charity dinner party by night. Shes the one who taught you that doing things for others is like, important. Not one for flashy things but a lover of the arts, this mom would love a piece from Adam Marc Jewelry. Our favorite pieces are the Kim Star Choker and the Rafaeli 14k Gold Bar Necklace. Use code BETCHES20 for 20% offyour mom will never have to know you didn’t pay full price.

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[internetallyscreaming]

moon, arcturus, betelgeuse, aldebaran, orion, pegasus, pheonix, hydra, milky way, andromeda, black eye galaxy, cigar galay, sombrero galaxy, pinwheel galaxy, asteroid, eteor, nebula, shooting star, supernova, quasar, wormhole, black hole | thats a lot oops, u dont have to answer all if u lazy (like me)

This will be long, so prepare yourself to aggressively scroll past this if you don’t wish to hear more about me lmao

Moon: I’ve been hoping to study perhaps Creative Writing or History, or perhaps even Astronomy? I’ve really wanted to pursue Astronomy, though I thought that would take me too long and I would turn too dumb halfway to even get my degree, so I’m probably going for Creative Writing, if it doesn’t end up providing too low pay. I’ve found estimated pay for each of my desired degrees, and Astronomy turns out best. I’m still uncertain though;Arcturus: Yes, immense happiness or excitement or proudness or anger, I’ve felt a lot through crying. Most recently I’ve cried because Phillip Michael Lester turned 30 and I’ve went on a bit of a marathon of his videos from oldest to newest, I’m still not done with it, but I ended up crying because he got this far and he probably didn’t know it would happen just a decade ago. Hahahaah… please don’t judge me;;

Betelgeuse: Something I can’t forget about? Oh dear, I don’t know. I guess, the time a guy almost broke my left clavicle in 4th grade right before an exam;;; Worst day.

Aldebaran: I desperately care about my friends, my future, how I look in front of others, what I do in front of others, about not failing at anything and making myself look like an idiot, and I could go on way more about this stuff. But mostly, I care about the dear babe who asked all these questions. uwu

Orion: I have so many favourite months! January because it’s the new year and typically I get new relationships in that month, February because it’s my birthday month, and June-August because it’s Summer Vacations.

Pegasus: My favourite place to be… Well, I guess typical places would be my home, wherever my friends are, and I also love visiting new places. I want to visit Rome and some other cities I haven’t yet visited! I also love being around places where I can feel that everyone around me is happy.

Phoenix: I love wearing sweaters and scarves, as well as denim skinny jeans. Denim and leather jackets are amazing too, and give me all of the ankle boots. That’s basically my outfit all the time I go outside with minor adjustments.

Hydra: I love listening to music, so rhythmical sounds like those really get me cheered up. Listen to eurovision songs like What’s the Pressure and Tonight Again, and those are some songs that make me feel happier. I also love hearing birds chirping, airplanes setting off, and sometimes I like listening to paper being ripped. And rain splattering against the window is amazing.

Milky Way: The oldest friend I remember having that I’m not in contact with anymore is a girl named Sophia who was my neighbour in Greece. My oldest friend that I mildly keep contact with is one of my current neighbours in Serbia who shares the same name as me. My oldest friend who I keep in contact with as we speak (or rather as I type and you read?) is the babe who asked the questions. uwu

Andromeda: I consider myself slightly social, slightly not. I’m an ambivert, and it just depends on my mood. If I’m in a good mood, I want to be surrounded by people all the time. Although if I’m salty as fuck, leave me alone and just hang with me at that moment if we talk on a daily basis and/or I trust you a lot.

Black Eye Galaxy: Well, it’s possible, under certain conditions. I don’t believe you could find out someone’s personality at the first sight, but you could fall in love with their looks at the first sight, that’s certainly possible if you’re one who goes for looks. But my opinion of love at first sight is when you hang around with a person and you feel a connection by the first time you hang out with them and know how they act and some of their opinions on things, and basic things about them.

Cigar Galaxy: Lmfao, my flirting skills? Sometimes I can bust a good pick-up line on the spot, so my flirting is quite alright, and I’m not the most awkward flirt online, so I can be quite confident. Although don’t challenge me in real life, I’ve never done it so I guarantee I will make a fool of myself.

Sombrero Galaxy: I am dating someone right now who goes by the name of Nalin! She is the babe that is @silent-luciidity . But I love her a lot, and I can’t help getting crushes even then. I’ve had this crush on a guy in my class since a year ago, and that’s longer than when I’ve gotten into a relationship with her recently, just two months ago. So I’m still trying to control myself around him, yikes. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love my babe dearly

Pinwheel Galaxy: The last person I talked to is a friend on Quotev, and I’ll be honest, I would not lmao. He is just not my type, although a good friend.

Asteroid: Yikes, that’s a tough question. My dream life would probably consist of living in an aesthetically pleasing looking mansion with all !! my !! friends !! living with me, and I could get whatever I crave at that moment immediately, and I would also want my friends to be super happy. I don’t like seeing people sad! Although I get carried away with things I want, I try to hold back;; But the thing I surely want is the happiness of everyone I know.

Meteor: Well, that’s not something I could easily say now, can I? Haha, well, I’ll go by something I wish I can say in real life, but I’d probably get thought of weirdly for saying it. I wish I could say that I don’t like people being my friend one moment and then being all dramatic the next, although I can’t say it straight to their face because they’d throw a bigger fuss. The people I hang out with are awful sometimes ugh

Nebula: I wish I could undo my weeby creepypasta phase tbh burn that shit in hell ew-

Shooting Star: I :) wish :) I :) could :) bring :) back :) people :) having :) common :) fucking :) sense :) but even tho that’s true I wish I could bring back my lost PSP D: I lost it by leaving it behind on the bench while I was waiting for the bus with my mom and sister and I only noticed it was gone when I asked for it in the bus (I was like 5 or 6 at the time mind you) and I started sobbing when I realized that we forgot it and it was already too late to go back. RIP old PSP.

Supernova: I really want to be at least a little bit known before I die, be it for my art or books or anything else. I want to be known a little bit. I wouldn’t mind if it wasn’t super popular or anything, I just want to be known by a good few thousand people that can possibly spread it to others. I’d be super happy if I ever become something big. uwu

Quasar: Fuck, this is such a hard question. Is it possible to morph all of my friends into one person that I can hang with until I die? ty? no?? Okay, well, this is fucking hard, I can’t choose just one D:

Wormhole: I honestly wish I could meet my idols Dan and Phil. I know it’s probably possible, but I dont think it’d be that easy for some reason. I really want to meet them though, seeing the angels in the flesh would probably bring me back down to Earth and make me remember //wow im lucky to breathe the same air from the same planet as them// whoops

Black Hole: Like, the last thing I see before I die? Like, is that what you mean??? If so, I wish to be surrounded by my friends worrying over me in my hospital bed as I pass away of old age. I want to live a normal life, so yes.

And that’s the end of this, yikes. That was very long. I hope you didn’t get bored halfway through!;;

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Mother’s Day Gift Guide: Gifts For The Regular Mom, The Cool Mom & Everyone In Between

What greater holiday is there than a day that celebrates the strong, beautiful women who raised us? Go ahead, try to think of one, Ill wait. 4th of July you say? Okay. Anyway, Mothers Day really does serve as a reminder that we should be really really nice to all the moms in our lives because we too may be mothers some day and we dont want a bitchy daughter who doesnt appreciate us.  So its good karma to get them a gift, right?  A betchs mom is the most important lady in her life. Shes given us endless words of wisdom on fuckboys, shes reluctantly allowed us to borrow steal her clothes, and she always picked us up from school when we were feeling sick.  Shes molded us into the betch we are today, and for that we are forever grateful.  To show her how much you love her, were giving you a list of all our favorite brands/gift ideas that are perfect for every type of mom in your life. Welcome to the Betches Mother’s Day Gift Guide 2017.

FOR THE MOM WHO STILL GRABS CANDY FOR HERSELF AT THE CHECKOUT COUNTER

Hats off to this mom, she still answers to her sugar cravings and DGAF. Elevate her candy standards with Sugarfinas Sweetest Mom Candy Bento Box and watch it disappear within 20 minutes of her opening it. If shes into the juicing craze like any betchy mom, feel free to gift her a bottle of Pressed Juicery x Sugarfinas green juice gummy bears. Its the perfect candy she can eat while convincing herself that shes healthy AF. These are the chicest and yummiest candies ever, and Im sure this mom wont mind if you steal a few for yourselfmaybe

FOR THE ZEN AF MOM YOU CAN ALWAYS VENT TO

This mom is amazing because she has the patience to listen to us talk shit about irrelevant shit for hours and somehow make us feel 10 times better in the end. Philosophy is a fave brand of ours, not just because of their amazing products, but also because of their values. Its the wellness brand version of the mom who always sends you inspirational articles and makes sure you never leave the house without food in your stomach. To reward this woman for putting up with your crazy ass, give her the Moments of Grace boxthe perfect set of shower, fragrance, and moisturizing products.

FOR THE MOM WHO KNOWS HOW TO MAKE A HOUSE A HOME (AND WONT LET YOU EAT ON THE COUCH)

This mom might have come off as a little strict and slightly neurotic due to her strict house rules you lived under as a young betch, but you now understand it was all worth it for the image of a perfect home. Shes classy, shes elegant, and shes not afraid to tell you to fuck off when you deserve it. Giving her a Venus Et Fleur box is not just giving her clich flowers for Mothers Day, its giving her a centerpiece for her precious home. These are the most beautiful flowers and they last for an entire year. There are several colors to choose from so you can def find one to match the living room couch. PS, theyre having a pop-up shop at Saks specifically for Mothers Day, so go with your siblings and get her the most Instagrammable flowers ever.

FOR THE MOM WHO WANTS TO BE INA GARTENS BEST FRIEND

This mom spends half her life watching the Food Network and the other half begging her husband to agree to redoing the kitchen. As such, she takes great pride in all her kitchen essentials, and each time you come home theres a new blender or toaster. Although you have barely any space for a wooden spoon in your apartments kitchen and deem it acceptable to microwave water for your tea, this mom would rather be caught dead than without at least 25 different spatula options. Cuisinart is the perfect place to find the best and newest kitchen products that this mom will die over, like the QuicKettle and the PrepExpress. If you get her any of their products, I foresee massive amounts of free food in your future.

FOR THE MOM WHOS NOT AFRAID TO BLACK OUT AT FAMILY DINNERS

This mom is always invited to hang with you and your friends whenever shes in town. As a betch who can single-handedly create a party out of thin air, her Mothers Day gift needs to suit her hostess needs. Kim Crawford Wine is the perfect bottle to whip out on any given occasion, and with summer around the corner, it is officially ros season. Their website has tons of amazing recipes, including fros, sothis mom will def exploit a bottle of Kim Crawford ros for all its worth. If she also happens to be an Insta whore, were sorry in advance.

FOR THE MOM WHO GIFTED YOU YOUR WITTY SENSE OF HUMOR

This mom has passed on her good genes of having no filter and always has the entire family in tears at Thanksgiving dinner (like, the good kind). We were always afraid of what kind of backhanded bitchy comment she might make at our frenemies when we were younger, but we loved her anyway and secretly enjoyed it. If shes begging you not to get her anything this year, at least get her the perfect card from Shop Betches.

FOR THE MOM WHOS PUTTING OFF BOTOX FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE

This mom has had perfect skin her entire life and is now in overdrive doing everything she can to keep it that way.  Washing her face isnt just something she does a couple times a day, its now an insane obsession. To make sure this mom is getting the most out of her incessant face cleansing, get her the Soniclear brush from Michael Todd Beauty. The antimicrobial brush stays cleaner and fresher for longer, and cleans deep into your pores.  Lets be real, youre probs going to get one for yourself as well. Also, since shes probs big into blending, you should get her the Sonicblend brush to apply her makeup flawlessly.

FOR THE MOM WHO WON’T LET YOU ANYWHERE NEAR HER KITCHEN

This mom has a panic attack whenever there’s too many people in the kitchen (which for the most part means if there’s anyone in there besides her). She’s a firm believer in “a place for everything and everything in its place”, which as a betch you can only relate to on the level of your apartment’s bar cart.  Joseph Joseph has the perfect modern organizational kitchen shit that will perfectly encourage this mom’s obsessive compulsive habits, but at least the kitchen will look sleek AF so who cares. We love their Nesting Bowl Sets and their super chic Worktop Savers.

FOR THE MOM WHO ALWAYS FALLS ASLEEP WITH HER IPAD ON HER FACE

This mom can’t get enough of her Facebook feed and loves to send you videos of dogs at all hours of the night. She probably thinks she’s squinting at all her screens because she’s old, but really it’s because no ones eyes should not be staring at this shit all day. Felix Gray glasses are v trendy-looking and protect your eyes from the blue light emitted from all our electronics’ screens, so mom won’t have to fight through the headaches to continue scrolling through Insta anymore. Our offices fan favorites are the Turing and Nash frames.

FOR THE MOM WHO JUICED BEFORE IT WAS COOL

This mom has been a juice drinking yoga freak since before you were born, and she’s always looking for new ways to show the world that she’s healthier and has more of her shit together than anyone else. Daily Harvest delivers fresh soups, smoothies, chia parfaits and overnight oats to your door on your schedule. This way, mom can get her fav smoothies delivered at 3pm just in time for her to consume before her 5pm spin class. If you didn’t think eating healthy could be convenient, neither did we, but here we are.

FOR THE MOM WHO HAS EVERYTHING YOU NEVER KNEW YOU NEEDED

This mom may seem like a hoarder, but in reality she’s just a collector of random shit that will impress people. Totally different. Also, we are not ones to talk about hoarding as evidenced by our closets. Anyway, Tovolo is the perfect place to shop for this mom because while it’s super fun for us to look through all the fun kitchen gadgets they have, it will be that much more fun for her because she’ll know exactly what to do with whatever you get her. “OMG, skull ice molds?! This will be perfect for Debbie’s divorce party!”  We love their Clear Ice System and Stainless Steel Cocktail Shaker.

FOR THE MOM WHO ALWAYS LOSES SHIT

As a young mom, this one relied on her children to remind her of her dentist appointments or whenever she accidentally left the stove on. Though shes the most scatter-brained person you know, shes so lovable youve never (really) faulted her for it. Plus, her lack of having her shit together taught you how to be a proactive, multitasking betch. To make this moms life a little easier as her brain is only getting worse with age (sorry but its true), get her Tile for Mothers Day so you never have to get another phone call about her missing keys again. All she has to do is attach the little Tile to whatever it is she loses every day and connect it to her phone through Bluetooth and voil, when she needs to find either thing she can make em ring (I did not do that on purpose but I apologize).

FOR THE MOM WHO REALLY WANTS TO LOSE 3 POUNDS BUT HATES THE GYM

This mom might sound very familiar because she is all of us. She would much rather spend an hour at book club talking shit than hitting the gym, but the thought of showing up to Southampton for the summer in her current state is freaking her out. Do her a favor and buy her HUM Nutritions Skinny Bird, a natural weight loss supplement. If youre feeling really generous, they also have a Turn Back Time supplement that helps with skin cell protection. Time to pop some pills!

FOR THE BRAND NEW MOM

This mom has been MIA because she is now with child and a real human and also struggling to get more than 4 hours of sleep at night. Brighten up her day by getting her little Betch In Training a baby onesie from Shop Betches.

FOR THE MOM WHO IS ALWAYS ON THE GO

This mom has always been your business betch inspiration, as youve admired her for balancing her work and home life so well. Despite being super important at her company, she somehow found the time to proofread all your high school papers and prepped you for every job interview youve ever had.  Soap & Glory is the perfect cheeky and empowering cosmetic brand that this mom absolutely NEEDS in her life. Since shes always running from mandatory family breakfast to business meeting, get her some of our favorites like their Rushower Dry Shampoo and their Hand Food hydrating hand cream.

FOR THE MOM WHO ALWAYS KEEPS IT SIMPLE

This mom is a woman of few words, but always knows what to say. You can find her in the yoga studio in the morning and hosting a charity dinner party by night. Shes the one who taught you that doing things for others is like, important. Not one for flashy things but a lover of the arts, this mom would love a piece from Adam Marc Jewelry. Our favorite pieces are the Kim Star Choker and the Rafaeli 14k Gold Bar Necklace. Use code BETCHES20 for 20% offyour mom will never have to know you didn’t pay full price.

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