#whatever helps make the sadness and guilt go away honestly

[hardcolorfest]

✨️ AM I PLURAL? ✨️

Please help me, I have gone back and forth on this for years, at least 10 years which is literally like a third of my life so far!

Please, I am desprate for ANY outside views and opinions, I feel like I need others to read my experience and help me understand why I keep on getting into this cycle of "this is plural/no actually its not."

EDIT: this is LONG and I ran out of energy near the end so the writing gets really sloppy so I added a timeline of events up top. I'm so sorry, this ended up turning into more of a vent towards the end, but if anyone wants to read my life story and give me... uhhh........ feedback? I'm sorry words hard now I'm so tired.

I'm getting tired of the doubting and accepting cycle, the "is this normal and I'm just attributing it to a plural thing" floating around in my head constantly. I'm going to try and keep this short, but I'll need to lay everything out so anyone can get a full picture of what I'm/We're working with.

First of all, sorry this is posted on a random empty blog with a title and description totally unrelated. I was going to use this blog for something else but the crisis in my/our identity keeps getting in the way of doing much of anything solid for the last like year now. That's how bad this has gotten now, I hardly feel like a real person anymore and I don't know what to do. Secondly I'm really sorry if there are typos or anything like that. Sometimes my phone autocorrects something and I won't notice that it's changed it to something really weird, like it sometimes switches "I" to "you" and so on for like literally no reason so idk.

Now on to the meat.

🌲

The timeline so far goes > 2012 discover systems > understand I'm not one even though I'd like to be > follow and watch systems online while reading any resource or information posts > learn about tulpas > "make" first tulpa > seemingly gains sentience and gets angry > leaves > 2016 reset > 2016 does not care about being a system > fuzzy memory bullshit here, none of it has to do with this posts topic > 2019 reset > mostly uninterested in being plural > in 2020, 2019 me decides to try make a tulpa again > goes surprisingly well, much faster than last time (which I barely remember at this time) > he eventually talks without my focused effort > I doubt his existence being real > he gets angry, we argue for weeks > eventually he disappears, vaguely sometimes feel like he's "checking in on me" > the 2021 fuckery (more trauma) > homeless and feeling alone > now have stable housing > vaguely refer to self as plural and make a pk and list out like 6 headmates including yourself as one and the past tulpas > goes well and smoothly for a while, everyone's pretty happy despite acknowledging past trauma and working on that together > 2023 reset happens > make new accounts again and feel upset about all these past events > is happy and having a lot of fun all year > occasionally still feels like the logged pk headmates are vaguely around but can't really talk to them much anymore > sometimes fully switches out anyway but not too long > remembers these resets happened before and makes posts to 2019's freinds > mixed reception and lots of questions, 2023 gets overwhelmed and never answers back > now I feel guilty

✨️ I will now explain in more detail.

So for the last 10 years, probably a little longer by like a year or two but I can't be precise, I've known about plurality, DID, tulpas and other concepts like this. I've also been aware of kins/therians/otherkin/fictionkin and so on and related concepts for much longer, 20 years or so, give or take a year or two again. I've never been very good at role-playing, and I struggled to "play" anyone but myself.

Since learning about systems, I took an interest in them. In the concept of being able to step back and let someone else take control. The idea was extremely appealing. I've been traumatized from a childhood of neglect and abuse, and life was starting to get to the point it was wearing me down to nothing. I wanted to take a break, to "die but not die" as I had put it back then. To "go away" with little financial consiquence and come back when I felt recharged. I wasn't really sure how I felt about sharing my life, but was willing to if it meant I could sometimes take a break. Gladly.

So I did a lot of research, quietly reading and observing people online. Maybe it was a little creepy, like watching a fandom from afar and learning what the show they liked was about secondhand through them. I think after I learned about how DID presents, I decided it wasn't really how I was at all and concluded for sure I was not and never could be a system since I did not talk to voices in my head, loose control of my body, nor have severe trauma (to me at the time, this is definitely not the case) and therefore I was not a system. I still watched from afar though.

I think I learned about tulpas around then. I knew I wasn't ever going to have DID due to my conclusions at the time, so I guess I could emulate a headmate until my brain thought it was real. And I still do think you can do this, don't get me wrong, I am fascinated by the human mind and how we process things and the nature of consciousness from a scientific level. I don't think its too far fetched for our brains to be able to do this, genuinely, even if I choose weird ways to describe it.

Anyway, I did try to make a tulpa a few times, maybe twice honestly, but each of them eventually got angry with me once they got to the point they could talk freely. The anger was about me doubting their existence after they were no longer being consciously forced and could do things without my input. Each time, after a little bit of arguing for weeks, they would disappear and I would be left feeling alone in scilence and upset at the fact that I ultimately caused them to leave me.

I have, in the past, "reset" myself somehow. I don't think I did it intentionally, I'm not even sure if there's a common trigger. It's happened a few times. It's happened in the past but I have no real memory of them except for vague feelings and fuzzy memories that feel like I'm seeing someone else's life. However I do remember more about the last two times than any other times.

The first of these was around 2016 I think, and that version of "me" now feels like a complete seprate being who has their own name, likes and dislikes, interests and hobbies, spiritual and political beliefs, and vision of themselves in terms of looks and self-concept. And then in 2019 that version of "me" got packed away into the back of my mind and suddenly I was someone else.

This 2019 "me" had some leftover interests, and of course had any knowledge nessicary to still life the continuous life that having a body and a presence requires, like knowledge of family and friends, jobs and schedules, and so on. It felt like taking over someone else's life, but none of their stuff is really yours. Their freinds suddenly feel like strangers, or at best acquaintances you could say "hello" to but really couldn't hold a conversation with anymore. Even interests and hobbies that carried over were either dampened feeling or the focus of that interest/hobby changed significantly enough that it wasn't really expressed in the same ways. 2019 "me" enjoyed art and drawing with a lot of the same enthusiasm that 2016 did, but with less of a focus on furry and more of a focus on anime, and in particular diving into the world of en ess eff double-yew, which 2016 was not interested in the least but 2019 was vigorously passionate about lol

The further back in versions of "me" we go, the fuzzier it gets. But the general feeling is the same. You wake up in a room with someone else's clothes, books, toys and collections and you have to fight yourself to not immediately throw them all out. You know that would just make them sad. And they do kind of pop back in, although usually only for a short time, a few hours to maybe a day or two, where you just suddenly feel like the past you is you again and everything from the name association, hobbies and beliefs come crashing back like a tidal wave, washing "current you" out of the picture for the time. And besides, they miss their friends. You think about their freinds from time to time, wanting to talk again, wanting to make the lingering sadness happy again...

Its happened again, 2023. I remember more clearly about 2019, since that was the "me" before me.

During 2019 me's "life" I went through another pretty traumatic event involving others who I trusted at the time, ended up homeless and really effed up. Obviously I made it out okay for the most part, I'm still alive and I'm here. I think 2019 me started dying around that time though.

And as it felt like 2019 me was dying, "others" started to feel like they were there. Past "me's" and the past tulpas and others as well who I never tried to intentionally create or who I remember as being a "reset." They would sometimes take over, like in that I would feel like I would suddenly be them and identified myself with their name, enjoyed their likes and hobbies, the dislikes, the views and opinions. And I wasn't actually "me" anymore, I was fully "them" in my opinion. Like a shape shifter who still feels themselves in the back of the current "you." Not really like a performance, like it was natural and correct.

At this point I want to notice we had stable housing and a stable job. Things were looking up around the time it felt like 2019 me was fading. While homeless "I" was the only one present, struggling to stay alive takes your full effort and attention and leaves very little room for thoughts pondering your potential identity. But after having a safe place to live is when we had that boom of sudden activity.

A lot of not much happens except daily life and occasional switches logged, happily accepting self as plural. Quietly too, I never ended up announcing it to anyone, and for most people we appeared as a single entity that just sometimes got into specific "moods." I was never actually interested in being loudly plural, even when I desired being plural from afar. Even back then I agreed (with myself lol) that if I ever found out I was plural we would keep it to ourselves and enjoy each other's company like an in-joke nobody else would ever be aware of but us.

But we did start to fade a bit, and after maybe just a month into 2023 everyone disappeared.

After the 2023 reset, I was left all alone, with all the knowledge of everything that happened. I felt again like a stranger in someone else's body, in their life. I knew inherently to keep up the charade and not tell anyone. I knew I couldn't just go up to 2019's friends and tell them "I'm sorry but you're a stranger to me now, like my sibling's friend's friends, and I'm really hurt by this because now i feel alone and empty." Nobody takes that the right way.

And I found a new fandom to be interested in so I could just pretend and "be someone else" and not have to address to 2019's friends why I suddenly stopped talking to them. New accounts, new personality. No name. Had several months of happy fun fandom time before the really bad feelings about abandoning my freinds and not explaining what happened at all to them started to set in.

Still, I was happy. I got to exist freely this time, maybe I could openly be plural online! But you know, the whole emptiness and they disappeared thing. It sucked, but I got little whispers here and there. Now that I think about it, I think they never really disappeared but just got super weak.

Whatever, the point here is I want them to come back but we keep having strained communication and difficulty with fuzziness any time any "non-me's" try to take over.

And I felt guilty.

So I messaged some of 2019's friends recently with mixed reception. Some of who just seemed like they were happy to hear anything at all after I disappeared completely for almost a whole year. Some who never really responded, Some of who I'm not even sure if they have seen it. Nobody really angry or anything. I didn't use any words like "plural" or "headmate" or anything. I explained it all as the past me being packed away completely, including the things they cared about, but still feeling that little sadness about it. Nobody brought up plurality either. I'm okay with that, I don't know if it's good to just suggest that out of nowhere to someone. But the lack of any question about that, especially from people who I know actually do know about systems, made me think really hard about if anything I expereinced here was even a plural thing or if it was just a mind trick I did because I was struggling with long lasting traumas. And I understand how ridiculous that sounds. I'm aware. I'm just trying to get it down in words that can be understood, it evokes that feeling of knowing you're right but fearing you're mistaken.

I'm so sorry I'm really tired and I didn't realize how long this post would take to type. I just got out of an exhausting shift at work and am so low on my battery words are starting to feel a bit strange for no reason.

So to cut the rest, the point in making this post is outside validation that I either AM or that I AM NOT making shit up because I wanted to be plural 10 years ago, or that I fucked up my brain by trying to make tulpas, or that I just discovered being a system through making tulpas I guess, or like what.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY I am super upset and feel really bad and guilty and responsible for not being attached to anything from 2019's life, including their freinds and I have no idea why I have these "resets" and is that just a normal "living and growing as a person" thing or is that what splitting or whatever feels like or like... is that just me being an asshole?

Am I an asshole?

I feel so empty, no name, no freinds, no real personality except the emulation of an anime character... abandoned everyone I cared about for almost a whole year... its hard and requires a lot of effort to "be" the others, or even talk to them... I'm so tired.

[guzmanstark]

“I’m not gonna disappear, you know,” Eddie says, lowering his mug to meet Buck’s eyes.

“W-what?” Buck stammers, blinking away like he got caught doing something wrong.

“You keep staring,” Eddie says, carefully, “like I'm gonna vanish. Or go back to Texas without telling you or something. I'm not.”

It’s been hours since Buck met him at the airport, drove him home, made him tea. And Eddie’s felt the weight of his gaze the entire time. Buck hasn’t said much, which Eddie isn’t surprised by, honestly. He’s not really in the mood to talk himself. But there’s something quietly devastating about the way Buck is looking at him. Eddie’s not sure what to do with that.

“Sorry,” Buck says.

Eddie sighs. “Don't apologize, it’s not…I don't mind that you’re looking. Just—you know you can talk to me, right?“

“I know,” Buck says. He’s trying to sound casual but his voice comes out just a little unsteady. Enough for Eddie to catch it.

“It’s, uh, it’s not that,” Buck adds, after a beat.

“What?”

“I don't—I don't think you’re gonna vanish. It's just… you look different.”

“You mean this?” Eddie rubs at his chin self consciously.

Buck’s eyes flicker momentarily to Eddie’s face before his gaze drops again. He nods.

After Eddie got the call, he couldn’t help but blame himself. He should have been there. Maybe if he was, Bobby would still be here—with his team, with his family. Not for the first time, Eddie felt like he couldn’t bear the sight of his own reflection. He felt small, useless. He thought maybe it would get easier with time. It didn’t. And with each day, as the guilt grew, so did the stubble on his face—thicker, darker. An awful reminder of the time that passed since Bobby—

Eddie sets the mug down, afraid it’s gonna shatter in his grip.

“You don’t like it?” he asks, and the words taste like ash in his mouth.

“No it, uh, it looks good. You always look good. It’s just—god, it’s stupid.”

“Hey,” Eddie bumps Buck’s foot under the table, keeps it there. “Whatever you’re feeling, it’s not stupid.”

“I’m…” Buck exhales, “I’m not sure if you’re real.”

Eddie opens his mouth, then closes it.

Buck shrugs. “Told you it’s stupid.”

“No! No, um, I—what do you mean I’m not real?”

There’s a moment where Buck doesn’t say anything, just stares at his own hands on the table, fidgets with his fingers. Eddie waits. Doesn’t push.

Eventually Buck speaks.

“After the lightning strikes, after the uh—“ Buck clears his throat, “the coma. I had this thing I used to do every morning. A-a checklist. To make sure I wasn’t dreaming. That I was still me.” Buck’s eyes stay locked on his hands, and Eddie desperately wishes he’d look at him again. “Ever since he—“ Buck stops, swallows, sniffs. “I wake up and I pray for this to be a dream. An awful, terrible nightmare. I pray, Eddie. And it’s—“

Buck’s hands are shaking. Eddie reaches out, takes them in his own.

Buck finally looks up. His eyes are impossibly sad and impossibly blue, and Eddie is struck by how beautiful he is. It’s a weird thought to have at that moment, but it’s true nonetheless.

“Sorry, this is so embarrassing,” Buck says, a little wetly.

“Hey, it’s not embarrassing, okay? You’re dealing with it. We all are.”

“Look, I know you’re real. I know that. But also just—everything is so different, you know? Nothing makes sense anymore and you look different. And it’s like—like, how do I know I’m not dreaming?” Buck says. “Does that make sense?”

It doesn’t. But Eddie gets it anyway.

He wraps a hand around Buck’s wrist, lifts his hand up to his face.

“You feel that?”

Buck doesn’t say anything, just looks at him.

Eddie closes his eyes, presses his face into Buck’s hand a little more.

“I’m here, Buck.”

Buck’s hand starts moving on his face, careful fingers trace his cheeks, his jaw, his chin. Eddie’s breath catches when a thumb ghosts over his bottom lip.

“You’re here,” Buck says, voice barely a whisper.

Eddie nods.

“He’s really—“ Buck's voice cracks. “He's really gone.”

“I know,” Eddie says, because what else is there to say?

Eddie’s eyes sting. He lets go of Buck’s wrist and places his hand on Buck’s shoulder, thumb gently grazing the base of his neck. He wishes he could press his lips to his temple, like he does with Christopher. He doesn’t. Instead, he pulls him in, presses their foreheads together.

They stay like that, breathing together, until their eyes are red and their cheeks are wet. Eventually Buck pulls away, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his cardigan.

“Thanks,” Buck says.

“For what?”

“I don’t know. For—for being here, I guess.”

Eddie wants to tell him that he’s always going to be here. But that’s not true. He's leaving in a few days. He’s always leaving.

“Hey, you have a razor here somewhere, right?” is what he says instead.

“Come on, you don’t have to do that,” Buck protests, and Eddie is pretty sure he catches a small hint of a smile on his face.

“Yeah,” Eddie says. ”I think I do.”

[burningembers91]

The Perfect Gift - Suh Seok-Woo x Fem!Reader

Follow up piece to:

Money Makes the World Go Round

Synopsis: In an effort to find the perfect birthday gift for Soo-An, Seok-Woo asks for your help. After spending the day together, he beings to realise just how much your presence means to his daughter, and to him.

One of the hardest parts about being a single dad to a daughter was sharing similar interests. When he’d been married, Seok-Woo had let his wife deal with Soo-An’s extracurricular activities, taking her to see girlie movies, listening to K-Pop groups, or going shopping. But now, that all had to fall to him. Or rather, it fell to you, as Seok-Woo was usually too wrapped up in his work to know much about his daughter these days. He could hear her music blasting out through her closed bedroom door, but he never really took the time to listen to the songs that she liked. He would see Soo-An sitting down in front of the TV, giggling away at whatever she was watching, but he never looked up from his emails to see whether he also enjoyed what she chose to watch. It had never bothered Seok-Woo that he knew so little about his only child; he’d honestly never stopped to give it much thought.

But then you entered his life, and for the first time in his daughter’s eight years on this earth, it dawned on Seok-Woo that maybe he wasn’t doing his duty as a dad. Your job was to be his housekeeper, but you were so much more than that. He’d hear you and Soo-An laughing at the TV together, referencing quotes from shows and movies he was always too busy to watch. He’d hear you reading to her at nighttime when he was too busy to put her to bed, and he realised with some sadness that he’d never read to his daughter, not even when she was a baby. On the rare occasion he spent a weekend at home, you and Soo-An would be singing along to her favourite bands, learning the dance moves together. That was when it hit him, the tidal wave of guilt; you were more like a parent to his daughter than he was.

Seok-Woo knew he needed to change, but he had no idea where to start. How did he begin to connect with someone he knew nothing about? He’d always assumed he’d get round to spending quality time with Soo-An, but work had always gotten in the way. The first whispers of shame and embarrassment echoed in his head as he realised, he’d been neglecting his daughter her whole life. It was her birthday soon, and he discovered with sinking dread that he had no idea what his daughter actually wanted. He had to start making amends, but in order to do that, he’d need your help.

Seok-Woo had never been good at asking for help, always so fiercely independent and far too stubborn to admit he perhaps didn’t always know what he was doing. He waited until you were alone, his mother having taken Soo-An to the park, before he finally swallowed his pride. “I was wondering,” he mumbled, barely able to make eye contact with you. “Would you… would you happen to know what Soo-An would like for her birthday?” He was embarrassed to finally admit out loud that he had no idea what to get his own child, and he was sure you’d judge him, that you look down at him for being an absent father.

But you were far too kind to ever judge him, too gracious and good to be anything but entirely supportive. “Well,” you said, leaning up against the kitchen island as you wracked your brain. “There’s a band she really likes. They’re on tour at the minute, and I know she’d love to see them. Tickets are quite expensive, but she listens to their songs on repeat. It would mean a lot to her if you could get tickets to see them. But if not, she’s really into a series of books, and the new one comes out next week. You could get her the next book in the series? We’ve been reading a chapter a night before she goes to sleep, so maybe you could read the new one to her.” Seok-Woo didn’t know how to respond to the woman who knew his daughter better than he did. You smiled kindly at him, but all he could feel was shame.

You could sense his unease, and you found yourself pitying the man who had no time for anyone but himself. “Tell you what, why don’t you order the concert tickets, and tomorrow we can go shopping and see if we can reserve the book?” You forwarded the link for the tickets to Seok-Woo’s phone and said goodnight, leaving him to wonder why he’d never realised quite how brilliant you were. He ordered the tickets, buying an extra one so that you could come too, before deciding to play a few songs by the band his daughter and housekeeper loved so much. The music wasn’t to his taste, but he could see why you both liked it, and for the first time in a while, Seok-Woo was looking forward to giving his daughter her gift.

The next morning, the two of you headed to a local bookstore to pre-order Soo-An’s new book, before taking a stroll to a nearby café. “Thank you,” Seok-Woo said, as you sipped your lattes. “For helping me. I really do love my daughter, I just… this sort of thing doesn’t come naturally.” “It’s ok,” you smiled. You could tell he was trying, could see how hard he wanted to do right by Soo-An. “Why don’t you read her a chapter of her book tonight? That way, when the new one comes out, you’ll have some idea of what’s going on.” “Would she want that?” he asked, the uncertainty in his voice clear. “She always seems to enjoy it when you read to her.” “Why wouldn’t she want that? Mr Suh, you’re her dad. Of course she wants you to read to her. She loves you very much.”

Seok-Woo wondered how the hell he’d managed before you came along. He didn’t know how you did all that you did, maintaining his home, caring for his mother and daughter, all while having the patience to deal with him. You were a saint, and he wasn’t sure how he’d repay you. “I managed to get those tickets,” he said to you. “I know you like the band too, so I got you a ticket as well. I know Soo-An would really like it if you came with us.” He didn’t want to admit to himself that he was also looking forward to you joining them. “Really?” the smile on your face made your eyes shine bright, and Seok-Woo found himself getting lost in the speckles of your irises. You were so pretty when you smiled, your face lighting up an entire room. “Mr Suh that’s so thoughtful. Thank you.” He'd never realised how good it felt to do something for someone just because. Everything he’d done in his life he’d done because he knew he would get something in return. But the feeling of seeing you so happy was unmatched, far outweighing any gift or business deal he’d ever had.

Soo-An was waiting for you at home when you returned, desperately trying to take a peek inside the shopping bags she knew contained her presents. Seok-Woo could hear the two of you laughing as you playfully fought his daughter, squeezing yourself passed her to hide the bags in your room. He wanted to spend time with you both, knew that he should sit and listen to Soo-An talk about her day. But he’d been waiting for an email to come in, an important deal he’d spent weeks trying to broker and after a quick check of his emails the success of his hard work was confirmed. He needed to get started right away, needed to sit and make plans for the meetings he knew he’d have to attend. Slipping silently away, Seok-Woo set himself up in his office, missing dinner as he sat engrossed in his work. It wasn’t until you poked your head around his door that he realised how late it was.

“Soo-An is going to bed now,” you told him, eyeing him meaningfully as you silently hoped he’d keep his promise. “Will you read a chapter of her book tonight?” Seok-Woo sighed, massaging the space right between his eyes. He’d promised you he’d read to his daughter, but that was before this huge deal came through. Surely Soo-An would understand, and he was almost certain that she preferred it when you read to her anyway. “Please,” you begged, sensing he was about to pull out. “It’s 9pm. Is anyone actually working at this time? If you’re that busy, just take 10 minutes to read to her, and then you can go back to work. Soo-An is so excited.” He looked up to argue, but one look at your face and his resolve crumbled entirely. Your gaze was soft, but firm, letting him know that wouldn’t let him off the hook if he bailed. “Ok,” he nodded, “one chapter.”

The two of you read to Soo-An together, taking turns to read paragraphs and doing the voices of different characters. She had tears of laughter rolling down her cheeks as you read, and Seok-Woo couldn’t believe he’d never experienced the joy of reading a book to her before. He found himself getting lost in the pages, and when you told Soo-An it was time for bed, he almost begged for one more chapter along with her. Instead, he kissed his daughter goodnight, secretly excited to read more of the book tomorrow. “See?” you smiled, as you closed the bedroom door. “That took ten minutes, and your office didn’t descend into chaos without you. I’ll let you get back to work. Goodnight, Mr Suh.”

He wanted to tell you to stay, to sit with him and have a glass of wine. He’d had the most incredible day with you, and he’d enjoyed spending time with Soo-An, something that he wouldn’t have done if you hadn’t encouraged him to step away from his laptop. He couldn’t bring himself to ask you to keep him company so instead he smiled and said goodnight.

For the first time in a long time, Seok-Woo found it hard to switch off and focus solely on work. His thoughts were filled with you, with the joy that had come from reading to Soo-An. He was looking forward to the concert, to seeing you outside of his home and away from your role as his housekeeper.

You went round and round his head as he tried to sleep, and Seok-Woo was finally forced to wonder whether he was content with you being his employee, or whether he was craving something more.

[anonmousegosqueak]

More Roach angst (comfort at the end though (⁠｡⁠•̀⁠ᴗ⁠-⁠)⁠✧)

There was a time when neither Price nor Laswell knew about Gary's tendencies. But even back then, they knew something deeper was going on.

It happened after a long mission, one that Price was glad he'd stayed back with Laswell for. The team was exhausted, Soap had to splash himself with water a few times to make sure he didn't run the truck off the road.

But when they got back, they quickly realized that Roach wasn't there. He hadn't gotten in the truck; they'd left him behind.

Price hopped in to drive and spend as fast as he could, it was raining hard and Roach was by himself. When they got back, they found him, huddling up in a small, worn out, cold, wet, and rightfully, a bit pissed.

Unsurprisingly, he spent a day with the medics with a cold and hyperthermia, which didn't add to his mood. Even with his team apologizing more times than anyone could count. But, even after his sickness was behind him, Laswell and Price gave him a bit more time off, light tasks here and there because they wanted to keep him around so they'd have a good eye on him.

Because when you've been in the military for long enough you start to recognize the look in soldiers' eyes that tells you they shouldn't be around a gun for a bit. Price and Laswell had sat him down, "You know no one meant to do that, right?" Price had broached gently, and Roach nodded.

"...Yeah, of course I do." There wasn't a lot of hesitation, but it was to make Price and Laswell glance at each other. "We're serious, Gary. " Laswell added.

"I know you are." He wasn't looking at either of them, everything in the office but them really. "I—" Price was going to sound patronizing, and he hated that, but how else was he going to word this? "We just don't want you to get the wrong idea, mate..."

"I'm not, it was—it was a mistake, me being left behind and all." Gary sighed, "I—we don't leave each other behind on purpose, never even by mistake but..."

"But?" Laswell pressed, happy to get something other than a sigh out of him. Gary paused, finally looking up, "I don't know, it's just, the one time someone got left behind, it was me..."

The air felt thicker, and Price stood, "We're going out, all on me, you can have whatever you want. Even tomatoes, as long as you bring you're epipen."

There wasn't room for argument in his tone, saying he'd drag Raoch by his ankles if he had to, and Laswell held back a snort.

Dinner was good, didn't fix everything, and didn't make that voice in Gary's head go away. But it helped, to know they were trying.

(My apology ask is on the way (⁠；⁠^⁠ω⁠^)!)

McKio... Why? Why do you do this to me?

Roachie baby getting left behind? Sadness? Price literally spoiling him with tomatoes?! BWAAAA-

Dinner.

While none of the others knew *exactly* why they were going out, they had a pretty good guess.

You could sense Price's guilt from a mile away.

It wasn't his fault, it wasn't anyone's fault, but least of all him. He was half delirious from blood loss at that point, barely even making it into the truck. Soap was driving because Price literally couldn't. It's easy to miss an already quiet guy.

But now? He's double checking every other second. You could see his silent count, the way his eyes lingered on Roach, the way he kept him close. The way he didn't even blink as Roach ordered one of the most expensive things on the menu...

"Oi- Gary! Y' g'nna finish tha'?"

Soap had already finished off his plate (and some of Ghost's). Gaz had already slapped him away when he tried to steal something off his and Soap isn't stupid enough to try to take food from Price. He honestly probably shouldn't have gone for Gaz's either, but he was feeling cocky that night.

"It's allr-"

He didn't even get to finish before Price was sliding his plate to Soap. He doesn't say anything, but the message is pretty clear.

"Aye! Thanks cap!"

"Mhm. Wasn't that good anyway..."

But he's not paying attention to Soap, no his full focus is on Roach. He gives a little nod, smiling just a bit.

"Eat up, Sanderson. We've got a big day tomorrow."

Roach didn't need to be told twice.

Oh no. Cringe. Idk, it's short but I... I can't write. Words. Really I just felt bad for not making anything and I knew this was the closest I'd get to motivation. Normally I'd just leave it, work on it later, but it's kinda now or never at this point. I had to get it out before it was forever lost in the sea of drafts.

[akiranzee]

in mge, there's a species of ogre known as Bogey. they are drawn to sadness and usually they comfort the person experience it. their embrace is soft and warm, and its known to actually help the person that needs it. (look em up its rather neat.) with this in mind... i was thinking giyuu could use comfort from reader, who is one that senses a LOT from him.

💙 • ° ` — “DEAR OLD FRIEND”

-> PAIRINGS: Giyuu x gn!Merchant!Y/n -> SUMMARY: Two people. One who seeks comfort, and one who gives comfort. -> WORD COUNT: 2.6k+ -> CONTAINS: angsty giyuu, sprinkle of fluff at the end, platonic rs, u’re js friends, bestfriends trope!!, sabito mentioned, comfort, & giyuu is 21 while reader is 20. -> A/N: honestly, i was shocked when i searched up mge bogeys.. it asked me to choose filter on or filter off😭😭.

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------------Complete!------------

The wisp of air that passed along with leaves, the light of the sun that filled in the empty dark alleys, and the breeze of cold seawater in this early morning.

It were all something Giyuu liked.

It were all something that atleast gave him some reason to still live, to still continue with this living torture, to still continue breathing amidst all the crisis and losses he had dealt with. Even now, he is still fighting against the very loss he hated most, he is still battling the guilt that flowed through him every, single, second.

Giyuu decided to jump down from the tree, and reveal himself to the pure nature around him. It had relieved him and freed him from all the stress, constantly and continuously strolling around the open park in his free time.

Although, he was here many times, more so, every day, he had seen an unfamiliar face today.

One that wore a smiley, happy-go-lucky expression, one that wore a long-sleeved haori with a white shirt inside, and long baggy pants. Needless to say, they were a foreign sight to him, but they looked as if like they were long close with the townspeople.

But Giyuu realized, that they weren’t just a random stranger, they were behind a stand, perhaps the one selling things that looked exquisite and eye-catchy enough that had caught the townspeople’s attention.

When the crowd slowly died out, Giyuu decided to approach you and see what were the things you were selling, only to see that your stand was freshly cleaned.

Awkwardness, he slowly retreated back, not wanting to catch your attention or bother you. But in all unfortunates, you had heard him, even the faintest sound he could ever produce.

“Ah! Mister! Are you here to buy my products?” Cheerly, you asked the man who looked at you like he’s seen a ghost.

“...” Slowly, he nodded, but you only chuckled, “okay! Make sure you’ll be here tomorrow once the sun rises, before I run out of stocks again!” You waved him goodbye then, as you shouldered your heavy bag on your back, and walked away.

Before Giyuu could even talk, you were already out of his sight. But he was wondering why, why did he feel a rush of excitement or a rush of impatience for tomorrow to come. It was just the same after all, wasn’t it? He’d have missions to accomplish, have demons to kill, and have another day to live on whilst carrying so many burdens on his shoulders.

He walked away too, feeling the cold breeze hit his face, as he slowly closed his eyes, wanting to feel relief and relaxed amongst them. But then again, he felt like something was missing. Even the things he liked, the refreshing wind, the illuminating sunlight, and the sea breeze are all in front and around him, he still felt as if he was not complete, nor enough yet.

~~~~~

June 14, XXXX.

Once again, the refreshing winds, the illuminating sunlight, and the sea breeze is present, but he still felt the same, feeling that something was missing.

He looked around, looking at his surroundings, as people do their own whatevers, a group of elderly gossiping in the background, merchants calling customers to their stalls, couples relaxing, families enjoying, and... children running around.

Perhaps it was a mere coincidence that he had remembered something, something that gave him quite the déjà vu. But he was sure the two children running around were like him and Sabito.

The relaxing and relieving feeling he once felt has now faded, soon replaced by a pang of hurt and grief.

Sabito was more than a friend to him, he was like a brother, or a guardian angel to Giyuu. Yet, knowing that Sabito had risked his life just to save him... is just utterly bitter for him. He now has to live with that guilt, bringing it along with him even in his deathbed.

Times like this, Giyuu had always asked if he was worth saving. The answer he’d always reply? No. He does not think he is worth saving, nor worth all the risk. He does not even know where to lead his life anymore, even. All he knows is that he must continue living on for the sake of the sacrifice of his one and only bestfriend.

The soft and gentle whisper of the winds, the good morning of the beautiful, shining sun rays, and the dazzling breeze of the seawater seemed to not comfort him anymore. He wants to let it all out, those tears, emotions, feelings, that he has been keeping hidden since, he wants it all gone.

The guilt was continuously welling up within him, the agony and grief as he remembered the brave sacrifice of his best friend again and again.

But, for whatever surprise that was, someone tapped on his shoulder, that just so happens to be you.

“Mister? Oh! It's you!” Enthusiasm laced your voice, as you greeted him joyfully with a smile of yours brighter than that of the sun.

“...” Giyuu only stared at you as he saw you bringing loads and loads of sacks, perhaps the things you’re selling today.

Giyuu stepped aside as he let you go to your designated spot, yet, for some reason, he had the urge to follow you.

“What were you thinking of, mister? — If you don’t mind me asking, ehe.” Sheepishly, you chuckled and smiled, as you placed down the sacks you dragged all the way here.

“...Thoughts.” He replied nonchalantly, but his inner mind has been deep in thoughts. Of course he wouldn’t tell you about Sabito.

“Haha, of course they are thoughts! But what kind of thoughts?” Tilting your head a little as you continued setting your stand for the day.

“...What are you selling?” Obviously, he changed the topic. But you paid it no mind, and answered his question, “oh! I sell these potions, ancient and historical scrolls, and these rope-like ornaments to bring good luck to you demon slayers!” You had quite the variety to show, especially when all these were really foreign to him.

“Hmm... good luck, you say?” But amongst all those, one particular thing caught his eye, which was the rope-like ornament, specifically color white and blue.

“How much is this?” He had already kept the rope within his pockets, “that would be ¥274.24!” A change of coins happened, the clinking of it was a nice sound to your ears.

He stood there awkwardly, as he didn’t know what to say now.

“Mister... did you know those kids over there?” you pointed at the children that were running around, that made Giyuu remember of Sabito. Shaking his head no, you simply nodded, “well, let me tell you. They were actually three best of friends. But the other one died due to the incurable disease, cancer. When I saw the both of them sitting on the sides the other day, I asked them, and they told me what happened. I felt sad and pity for them, especially to the deceased child. But did you know what the other kid said? He said it was okay, because his friend was now in heaven. But of course, he couldn’t keep his tears from falling out, and ended up wetting my haori with snot. It just... never fails to amaze me how a child’s mind could think of something so positive like that, even in the midst of darkness. Hehe..” You giggled sheepishly, as you just noticed how Giyuu attentively listened, and that his quiet-nonchalant-chill-cool guy facade slowly broke little by little, as you saw his emotions right through his eyes.

Giyuu departed almost immediately, not even bidding you goodbye. But you understood well enough, that Giyuu was like that of a child, too.

He too, was like the child, keeping a facade to keep the sadness from flowing out, but they will always fail to hide their longing.

Least to say, Giyuu thought well about it. He sat on the sides, and tied the rope on the scabbard of his sword. He thought too, if Sabito was happy and well off in heaven, or if that truly exists, or if heaven was just a mere child’s imagination.

He was still well off in the grieving stage, even after all these years, he could never accept the loss he had suffered. He wished then, right at that moment, that he was still a child and never grew up, so that he could still be with Sabito, and so that he could never feel this way again.

~~~~~

Days passed, until Giyuu showed up again. It took him three days to complete the mission Oyakata-sama gave him, which was the complete reason why he couldn’t show up. But now that he’s here, and you’re here, things are back to normal.

“Hello. I’d like to purchase this.” Giyuu presented a mini, thin, book in front of you, one of your bestselling and expensive ones.

“Ah...! Mr. Tomioka, welcome back. Yes, let me just..” as an exchange of coins happened, Giyuu never failed to look at you, and none other. His eyes were placed on you as you counted the coins slowly and properly, as his eyes landed on one particular thing. The rope-like ornament that he bought a few days back; swinging by your hips. He looked at his, too, and realized that the colors of the ornaments matched. You, too, had white and blue as your color of the rope-like ornament.

You traced where his eyes landed, and chuckled; “would you like to buy again?” It took Giyuu aback, but he eagerly shook his head no. “Are they your favorite color?” Suddenly, he asked out of pure curiosity; “yes! they complement each other so well — and blue is the most mesmerizing color I have ever seen! — just like your eyes.” gently, you smiled at him that made his heart melt. No one after Sabito had ever smiled at him like that. And that made him all the more happy.

~~~~~

Days, weeks, months, and almost a year had passed as your friendship grew.

And you never fail to see how his eyes would darken, how he’d grow silent, and how he’ll try to change the topic whenever he sees children having fun, or if you talk about them.

It had made you sad about his well-being, yet, he had rejected almost all of your comforting offers, because both you and him know that the longing will not fade ‘till thousands of years to come by.

“Y/n! Y/n!” A child-like voice called out, as you saw Tomoko, one of the children that you and Giyuu both befriended, and the same child that reminded him of his bond with Sabito.

It took you aback, really. You’ve never seen Tomoko that excited and happy ever since his friend’s passing. Immediately, his arms wrapped around your hips, almost making you stumble back, “look! Look! I found Aruno’s diary!” The excitement was obvious in Tomoko’s eyes as he eagerly flipped the pages of his deceased friend’s diary.

Hastily, he pulled your hand and forced you to sit down by the gathers, as Giyuu followed along. “Y/n! Can you read this to me, please? I can’t really understand his handwriting..” He flipped a few pages forth, and tapped on the page that contained quite a lot for a diary.

June 18, 10XX I met two friends, Tomoko and Naroi! They were really kind, and I had a great time with them! We played the whole afternoon, and went home at night! My mom called me home though, so I was a little sad. That night, I really couldn’t sleep. It was the first time I had friends after a long time! I was really excited for the next day that I couldn’t wait! I ended up sneaking out and writing this diary, as I count how many stars there are in the sky. I managed to count just 78 — but I immediately lost track when I felt something behind me! But it was just my friend Patrick — our neighbor’s cat! It was soo fun playing with Patrick, but when he scratched me, I got scared and didn’t go near him. But now that he’s here, maybe I should forgive him, right? I love you too Patrick! Well then, going back, Patrick is now laying on my lap, I lost count of the stars, but whatever! There will still be tomorrow night and next times to count the stars!

October 23, 10XX It’s been a long time since I wrote here, hehe. Well, honestly, I got an illness called cancer. I didn’t know what it was, but when mom explained it to me, I was so scared. She told me not to tell Tomoko and Naroi, but I feel soo bad for hiding it from them. I mean, friends should know and share everything, right? We promised no secrets! But mom said that it was for the better and I believe her!

November 1, 10XX Today, just a while ago, I saw mom crying. I didn’t know why, but she explained it to dad, but I can’t hear her. She was mumbling this and that, but I cried too, I didn’t want my mom sad.

November 10, 10XX I’m scared and I can’t stop crying. Mom said we need to go somewhere, but this place doesn’t look fun at all... I see people laying down in beds, with bandages and blood. It’s scary, but my mom said it’d be alright after a few days...

November 30, 10XX Mom lied... it wasn’t just a few days, I’ve been here for weeks and I’ve turned bald, now. What about my friends? What if Tomoko and Naroi laugh at me? But mom said true friends will accept me for who I am! My hair also was slowly falling off, so they decided to cut it.. I’m really scared.. I don’t look like how I used to be..

December 12, 10XX I met my friends again, but Tomoko and Naroi weren’t all that excited.. are they mad at me? For not showing up many months? They look at me so scarily, like they feel sad for me.. but I don’t want that.. I’m strong, aren’t I? Mom said so..

December 18, 10XX My eyes are heavy, like I just wanna sleep forever.. I can’t really breathe right, I feel like there’s a booger stuck in my nose, a huge one.. I think I’m growing weak, I just wanna rest forever, lay in bed even if this is not as comfy as the one at home.. I hate seeing my mom cry.. and I miss Tomoko and Naroi..

“...waah..” Tomoko’s eyes spilled his tears, as his sobs were getting louder and louder.

“...waaaaaaahh!! I-I hic- I didn‘t know Aruno- wah- had to go through all- hic- t-that...!!” Tomoko tried to wipe his tears, but only served useless as it only multiplied. After all, what could be more heartbreakening if not for a child whom only wished for a simple life?

“T-Tomoko...!” Tomoko ran away, perhaps trying to hide the tears uselessly, trying to save his tough facade. But, it was already broken from the moment those words were written in that diary. And same went to the man beside you, his tough facade too, slowly fading away.

“G-Giyuu.. a-are you crying?” You asked nervously, you never planned any of this to happen.

“I wonder... if Sabito thought the same.” He didn’t even try to hide his tears, he let it all flow out, as he knew; trying to hide his tears would never take away his pain and guilt. He only stared at the now dark sky, looking up at the moon that served as the light in the dark night.

“This Sabito... was he... like Aruno?” You knew you had this coming, but you didn’t expect Giyuu would break over a child’s diary, despite him keeping up the good work of hiding his feelings away.

“No. He killed himself for me. I should’ve... been the one in his place right now, if I wasn’t so cowardly.” This time, he looked down, as he relived that day, the day that he lost his one and only bestfriend.

“Wha-! D-Don’t say that, Giyuu-kun! I’m sure he did that for the better!”

“Yet he died for the worst.”

“Did he... sacrifice himself?”

“He wanted to protect all of us, and charged on straight to the demons. I wanted to fight by his side, but it was too late. And I could... only watch.” He chuckled at the last sentence, remembering his petty choices and past patheticness.

“I’m sure he did that with no regrets, Giyuu.. I’m sure that was what he wanted, to keep all of you safe and sound.”

“Yet it was in an exchange for his life!”

“Death is inevitable!”

“He was only thirteen!” You gasped. You never thought children would be fighting demons so early. So it was... what? Few? Many? Years ago and yet he still has kept it within him?

“But... he sacrificed himself for all of you, Giyuu.. you can’t keep blaming yourself, it was his choice..”

“He had no choice! He was the only one who could fight amongst all of us! Stronger than I am!”

“Exactly! And that’s why he protected the weak!”

“Yet even the weakest can do something! I could’ve been the one to charge on straight to the demon, but no — it was him instead!” His sobs were getting out of control, as he looked at you with eyes just like Tomoko’s.

“But you couldn’t fight! If you truly wanted to switch places, then you wouldn’t be here now, you wouldn’t be-”

“Then I wish I died instead of him!” Silence filled the air as your bicker had stopped. You scooched closer to him, and pat his back, slowly.

“He did that for you to live a better life, Giyuu.. even if you hate him with all your life for doing that, it wouldn’t change the fact that he wanted nothing more but for you to succeed.”

“You can’t make me think otherwise, Y/n.” This was a version of Giyuu that you hadn’t known until today. It was as if he was not the Giyuu you once knew, it’s as if he turned into one that is so resentful, and angry.

“...So what? Are you just gonna let his sacrifice go to waste, as if it was nothing, knowing that the main purpose of it all was because he wanted you to live on to this day!? Is it so wrong for you to atleast give credit to yourself? Correct me if I’m wrong — but I know for a fact that he wanted you to live on to this day — every single day, so that you could help those in need, protect those who’re weak, and continue on his last, and final wish!”

“...” Giyuu only said nothing, nor does he even have anything to retort back. You were right, but it doesn’t make his guilt fade. It didn’t help at all, that he was only a mere bystander on Sabito’s fight, not his bestfriend.

“Sabito... would really like for you to continue on living, despite the hardships and adversities you’ve gone through... after all, wasn’t he the sole inspiration you had all this time? To reach the highest, and kill all those demons.. but you don’t have to live your life repeating those things...! There are so many wonders and beauty of this world that you have yet to discover... as a merchant, I’ve travelled from different villages, cities, districts, until I’ve reached here...! Please, don’t let Sabito’s sacrifice go in vain. I’m sure he had no second thoughts, nor regrets — because he only wanted you to live your life and experience every single thing! The guilt may not wash away — but I’m sure, once you see my point, you wouldn’t have to live with that anymore because Sabito doesn’t even blame you. He did that, and he knew his choice — because he wanted you to reach this day, and tomorrow.” A string in his heart had been pulled, he felt like he was suffocated as your hands hovered over his. “So please... don’t give up... atleast for me...”

He really didn’t know what Sabito wanted back at that moment. But if Sabito really has any regrets, then why didn’t he look back in hesitation, right before he charged on to the demon?

“Giyuu-kun, tomorrow, let’s meet here again, and let’s go to a different place, so that by the day our time has come, we will leave no regrets.”

★ • ° ` — BONUS:

The days has passed, and Giyuu had left the Demon Slayer Corps. Truth be told, he really didn’t want to leave, as half of his life and memories had been imprinted there, but he wanted to find the meaning of his life, just as you told him.

“Giyuu-kun! Over there! I see a starfish!” You pointed across the shore and ran over to the starfish, and decide to poke it. A giggle left your mouth as Giyuu picked it up and put it on top of your head.

“Oh you think you‘re so funny, huh!?” Immediately, you splashed seawater at him, and his laughter echoed the whole beach.

It was the first time he had let out a hearty laugh, and definitely not the last, because you’re there, his new bestfriend.

a/n: im ok w JUST being his bsf guys, i swear

[randomfansstuff]

saw your post on peter in gotham and am begging for fic recs!

this might be my moment.

Disclaimer: I am more of a spiderman gal than a dc girlie, so I can't judge how in character the DC Characters are. All the fics I rec had them as interesting characters that I enjoy despite not knowing anything about them. Additionally, all my recs are from ao3 Let's go 😌

Fics Under The Cut

Peter the Pizza Guy by Irisen

Peter needs money to survive in Gotham and picks up a pizza delivery job. Post-NoWayHome

39/?Chapters, 197k (currently)

- genuninely one of my favorite Peter and Jason Todd characterizations I've ever seen, also the BAMF Peter here is actually amazing. the author knows what they're dealing with in regards to Peter's powers. also the fight scenes?! actual chefs kiss. many chapters had me at the edge of my seat. This fic really shows how connected Peter is to Spider-Man on a mental health level. Peter loves being Spider-Man, but his failure in NHW makes him feel like he doesn't deserve being him. URGH, IT'S SO GOOD. from what I know, a sequel is already in the works, and honestly I'm almost as excited for that as I am for that new spiderman animated show coming out this month LMFAO

_____

Dark Matter by mysterycyclone

The last thing Peter sees is Tony's horrified, heartbroken expression leaning over him. The guilt in his eyes is almost worse than the burning pain that's taking Peter apart piece by piece. The world starts to go dark. Post-InfinityWar

46/46Chapters, 241k words

- how can I ever make a peter goes to gotham fic rec list without including Dark Matter? for those that don't know, this is THEEEEEEEEE og Peter in Gotham fic. I don't know if it was the first, but I can tell you finding a Peter in Gotham fic NOT inspired by DM is almost impossible. This one gets points all across the board. It has an amazing mix of Peter Whump while also staying truthful to the hope his character encompasses. Amazing Peter introspection, and I love the way it handles Tim Drake, Stephanie Brown and Duke Thomas.

_____

The Ones Burnt by This_is_lovin

Spider-man in gotham, just with identity. Post-NoWayHome

35/35Chapters, 199k

- okay guys. I have not yet finished reading this fully because of how emotionally compromised I was after finishing the first Act 😭 I never thought a fic could make me care this much about side characters. While in Gotham, the setting is very reminiscent of "little guy" stuff with Peter having to live day-to-day life, and the author manages to make this atmosphere known so, so well. Peter also has to act without his spider powers here, which is such an interesting thing I haven't read before. Very good Peter Whump that doesn't get overbearing though. He's sad, but he's still Peter fucking Parker yk

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Leap of Faith by alighterwood,ErinWantsToWrite

Peter’s heart swells at the thought. He needs heroes! They’ll be able to help him! The first thing that pops up is a website- JusticeLeague.Org. NoCorrelationToCanonTimeline

18/?Chapters, 460k

- OKAY. In this one, the authors took the canon mcu timeline and decided to do whatever the hell they want with it. which I have massive respect for, mind you. Peter is fourteen years old here, which means he's a little more immature but I enjoyed the way he pushes himself through gotham. one of the few fics where he actually wants to return home, too. my favorite point in this fic, however, is a certain tag. if you dont look at tags, and dont want to be spoilered, look away NOW. Okay so, we all know Nightwing is Richard Dick Grayson, right?! And like, Peter's dads name is RICHARD Parker, so some authors like to utilize this and say that they are the SAME person but different timelines/universes. And I am in love with that idea. The amount of drama it brings to the table? Guys this is what I read fanfiction for. Genuinenly the amount of plot you can get from just that idea alone is insane. The fix utilizes this very well, and I also like a lot of the action it has :D

-----

That's it for now! I'm currently slightly fixated on these types fanfictions, and there's a LOT more I can rec you if you want. So, if you want more recs, feel free to send me another ask lol

[the-midnightpoet]

Soft guy

Summary: Aleksander got a little carried away in the bed, but his soft side makes up for it.

Warnings: mention of blood, very rough sex, he hurts you, aftercare, Soft!Aleks, fluff, a bit of angst, lmk if I missed one

A/N: if you're not comfortable with this kind of content please DO NOT read it! Also it's a bit short, I'm sorry

Minors do not read it. 18+ only

You and your husband; Aleks were having some sexy time. He was so rough with you tonight, rougher than usual. You tried to tell him that he was hurting you, he seem to ignore your pleas.

You tried to push him off you, he pinned your hands above your head with his free hand. When he saw that you were fighting him it seemed to make him want to be even rougher. You were afraid of what he might try to do if you kept going.

You cried out, still fighting with him. You tried to remember your safe word so he might stop.

"S-sh...shadow" you yelled out. He suddenly stopped, letting go of you and backing off as you said the safe word.

"Shadow" he looked at you worriedly, his face showing genuine concern and a bit of guilt now.

"Hey, I'm sorry" he said, coming closer to you. He tried to give you a hug. But when he moved to hug you, you flinched away, shaking, covering your body. He backed away from you, his face immediately showing guilt.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" he said, "I won't touch you again" he sat down in his chair and put his head in his hands. "I'm so sorry," he said again. He looked like he wanted to cry.

You looked down at the sheets and you saw a puddle of blood. You were bleeding...From down there.

Your eyes grew wide and you tried to stand up but the pain was unbearable.

"Oh my god," the general said when he saw your reaction. "Are you hurt!? Let me come closer to look at you"

He tried to come towards you again, you couldn't tell if he was genuinely concerned about you or if he just wanted to see what he had done to you.

"Please let me help you" he said, trying to sound as sincere as possible. He seemed to care, but you knew he was also worried about what the consequences of his actions might be.

"I...why...why did you?" you tried to choke out. Your husband was always loving and caring, you didn't understand what has gotten into him.

"I don't know" he said honestly, "I just got carried away, I'm sorry. Please let me help you. I promise I'll make it up to you" he seemed genuinely regretful and remorseful, which surprised you a lot. He had always been caring and kind, this was the first time he had ever treated you this way.

You looked at the blood stained sheets and your mind started to race. "I think I'm bleeding" you said softly.

"I know you're bleeding" he said sternly. "I'm not blind. You're bleeding because I..." he trailed off, still trying to make sense of how his actions hurt you.

"Just tell me what I can do to help," he said softly, "I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry"

You could hear his voice break as he spoke to you. You couldn't believe what had happened, but the evidence was in front of both of you.

"Baby..." you voice softened at tried to reach out for his hands. He took your hand, holding it softly.

"Are you sure you want me to touch you?" he asked tentatively, "I'll do whatever you need" he looked down at your bloody sheets, his face showing genuine concern and sadness for you, which you hadn't ever seen before. He wanted to help you and make you feel better.

"It's okay Aleks. I forgive you. Just...please can you bring me a menstrual pad and some panties?" you whispered, gently stroking his cheek.

"Yes of course," he said, his voice still soft. He stood up and went out of the room to do as you asked. He returned with a clean pair of panties and a package of menstrual pads.

"Here you go," he said, handing you the items gently. "Is there anything else I can do for you?" he looked at you and brushed his fingers through your hair, trying to show that he cared. He wanted you to know that he felt sorry for hurting you.

"Can we...cuddle?" you suggested. You wanted him to know you still wanted him and his touch. He took a moment to think about your request, and then stepped closer to you.

"Yes, yes of course," he said softly and took you in his arms. He kissed you gently on the forehead, trying to show how much he loved you. Aleksander held you tightly and didn't seem to want to let go of you for anything in the world. He wanted to make you feel safe and protected.

"I'm sorry I flinched away. Just...you scared me" you mumbled softly. You hugged him close, kissing his neck.

"Shhh," he said as he hugged you. "It's okay, you don't have anything to be sorry for" he held you close, kissing the top of your head.

"I should be the one apologizing. I'm so sorry for hurting you, I never meant to. I'll be more careful next time"

You could tell he meant every word, he was genuinely sorry for hurting you. You realized that this incident had actually affected him as well.

"It's okay...Just please be careful. It really did hurt me" you whispered.

"But you know I love you, right?" you smiled at your husband.

"I love you too" he smiled softly. "I would never hurt you on purpose. It's just that...I got carried away this time. I'll be more careful next time, I promise"

He continued to hold you in his arms and kissed the top of your head again. "I'm worried about you" he said. "Are you sure you okay after what happened?"

"Yeahh just sore. I don't think I could walk" you chuckled softly.

"No, you definitely shouldn't try to walk right now" he said as he held you close to his chest. "Let me take care of you, I'm sorry I hurt you"

As the pain from the incident started to subside, it was replaced by the comfortable feeling of his arms around you. You could feel safe and protected with him, even after what had just happened.

"Hmm I love the soft Aleksander you are now. I fell in love with him" you murmured, closing your eyes.

"Well, I am a soft guy when I want to be," he said with a warm smile. He brushed your hair back and caressed your face as you sat with your eyes closed.

"Can I kiss you?" he asked quietly. You could hear the concern in his voice, he didn't want to do anything that would hurt you. But he also wanted to show how much he loved you.

"Of course my dear husband" you smiled up at him. You felt tiny compare to him even when laying down. Aleksander gently leaned in and kissed you on the lips, a soft and tender kiss that showed how much he still loved you. He held you close in his arms and ran his fingers through your hair, as if to say that everything was okay now.

This was the Aleks you knew and loved, not the man who hurt you before.

[joels-shitty-puns]

The Key To Your Heart - Track 8

Pairing: Pedro Pascal x Musician!Reader

Series Summary: After writing your feelings for Pedro into a song, it gains a lot more popularity than expected. Ultimately it brings both criticism and support, with new possibilities around the corner.

Series Warnings: 18+ only (MDNI). Alluding to sexual scenarios. Kissing. Fat shaming, name calling. Mentions of food, weight loss, weight gain, dieting, weighing, potential eating disorder, food guilt. Potential for puns/dad jokes (name of my blog, and the fic) should give that away. This is my first fic which should be its own warning, lol. Also some cursing. Mentions of masturbation (f) maybe more smut later idk. Sadness, reader is pretty depressed. Poor body image. Rude people. Bullying-ish and just lack of support? Anxiety. Age gap! Reader is in her mid 20's, Pedro is current age (48).

Other stuff: Reader is plus sized. AFAB. Inexperienced. Also has a dog, but you can pretend it is another creature probably. Further, in case it isn't clear, italics almost always are the reader's inner thoughts!

Word Count: 2.8k

Series List: Here!

Miss Chapter 7? Here!

Hi all! I know this one took a lot longer than previous. I was on vacation and then went straight into my work week. I almost thought about ending it after the last chapter but I realized there's still some loose ends! Also I gotta say I'm really overthinking the voicing for Pedro, but I hope you all enjoy it nonetheless. This chapter entirely got away from me and wasn't the plot I anticipated, haha. Once again, thank you all for reading. I love all the comments, messages, and asks I get about my story and it honestly blows me away. Please continue to like, reblog, and let me know what you think! Love to you all!

Also I made dividers! Weeehooo

The rest of the evening was filled with kisses, cuddles, and sweet nothings whispered to each other through smiles. It was just a quarter after midnight when Pedro finally pulled his lips away from yours and looked at the clock. Turning to set his forehead on yours once again, he quietly spoke.

"I should probably get home, Princesa," he punctuated with another kiss.

You let out a whine, but knew you weren't ready for it to move much further than this too quickly. "What time is it?" You kissed him.

"It's already after midnight." He kissed.

"Hmm," you hummed with another press of your lips to his. "And I never even turned into a pumpkin." Kiss.

"I don't think that's how the story went, mi amor," he ran his hand over your hair, kissing your lips, your cheek, below your ear, and finally your neck.

"Mmmm," you sighed, tilting your head to give him better access. "I can't really think clear enough about how that story went right now." You ran your fingers through his curls.

He kissed down your neck again a few times before gently nibbling your earlobe. Your breath caught in your chest.

"We should really slow this down and call it a night," he whispered directly into your ear. You felt his nose brush your hair and his warm breath on the side of your face. 

You sighed with a pout of your lips. You knew he was right. It was too soon into the relationship - or whatever this is - to go any further. But damn, would you be lying if you said you didn't want it.

"I know, baby. I know." He sighed in response, caressing your cheek with his thumb.

He pulled back, rubbing the back of his neck nervously, and adjusting in his seat, pulling his sweater down further over his waist. You tried to ignore it, but you couldn't help letting your eyes drift down a little lower towards the area he was trying to cover. He placed his hands in his lap, clearing his throat. You looked back up at his face, noticing his cheeks turning a pink hue.

Guess I'm not the only one feeling a little excited here, you thought with a smirk at the idea of you making him react this way. You rubbed your thumb across his reddened cheek. "Don't worry, baby. Me too," you sighed, feeling a little antsy and frustrated yourself. His eyebrows raised, mouth pulling into a mischievous sideways smirk. 

The two of you let out a nervously happy laugh. "Maybe… I could take you on a real date soon? If you would like that?" Pedro asked, looking at you once again with those big brown eyes. "I would love that, Pedro. More than anything." You pecked his lips once more, running your hand over his bicep.

He kissed you back before pulling away with a small laugh. "Okay, I gotta go, baby. I'm enjoying this a little too much, and we should probably cool it down." He gave another nervous laugh.

"Sorry," you giggled. "You're kind of addicting, and you don't know how long I've waited for this. Kissing. Mutual feelings. Romance…" you trailed off with a grin.

"Love?" He asked, holding your cheek and giving a soft smile.

"Yes. That too." You closed your eyes, leaning into his cheek. "But that still sounds so wild to me.  I'm scared to say it to you in case you'll change your mind, or realize you don't feel the same, or that it's too soon for… that word, or…" you rambled quietly, your insecurities creating a wall you know all too well.

"That just isn't true, sweetheart. I know it's soon, and we technically just met, but we've been talking for several months now. We've talked nearly every day. I started to realize I might love you a while ago, but seeing you for the first time over video really made me know for sure. Getting to meet you in person somehow even made me fall harder," he held your hand in his.

"After just one meeting? I mean, it's just… people that have known me for years haven't felt that way, and someone like you? Someone famous and beautiful and so much more experienced and mature than me… I just.. I don't want to push you away, but I can't help but worry that you'll change your mind or it isn't real and it's all just going to… vanish," you looked down at your connected hands, closing your eyes to swallow your emotions.

"Hey.. don't do that. Don't put yourself down or build those walls. I fell in love with your music and your voice the first time I heard it. Getting to know you through text and finally talking to you on the phone, getting to learn all your quirks and your sense of humor, your personality. You. I don't know how anyone could not fall in love with you, and I was scared to let it happen. I told myself not to get wrapped up in relationships. That it would just cause more heartache that I couldn't go through again. But somehow you lured me in like a siren and I couldn't ignore it. I heard your song and wanted to know you. I talked to you and needed more. I don't care that you weren't famous before, and that you don't have a lot of experience with relationships. And any other insecurities you have can just go away, because they aren't true. You are beautiful. You're funny, smart, sweet, and you have the most beautiful voice and heart of anyone I know. I knew you were beautiful before I saw you, and I fell so hard when I finally saw you for the first time."

"Pedro…" you blinked at him.

"The constant thought that you already loved someone, and it, to my knowledge, wasn't me, hurt every day I talked to you. But I couldn't stay away. I just kept wanting to be closer. I want to be with you. If anything, I wonder why you would want to be with someone so much older than you. Someone who can't love you the way you deserve, without paparazzi and fans and spotlights. I hope you won't change your mind. Because despite my best efforts to avoid relationships, I fell in love."

You had tears in your eyes as you looked up from your lap to meet his eyes. "I love you Pedro."

"I love you too." He kissed your lips once again, and as he pulled away, he said your name in a whisper. "Believe me, having to stop kissing you is just as difficult for me too. Maybe tomorrow I can take you on that date?" He asked, standing up with your hand in his.

"I'd love to go on a date with you," you smiled at the ground, cheeks heating. 

"Great! I'll talk to you tomorrow," he kissed your cheek before kneeling down to give Skipper a gentle rub and receiving several wet doggy kisses. The two of you laughed as Pedro stood, wiping his face on his sweater. "What can I say, I like kisses from everyone in this household." He winked.

"Okay cheeseball, get outta here," you gently shoved him before giving a final kiss and waving goodbye to him.

The next day, you were sleeping in, feeling relaxed and happy, like you finally could rest easy. It was around 11 AM when your phone rang, waking you up from your deep, peaceful slumber. Blinking your eyes open to see the morning sun beaming through the window, you stretched and grabbed your phone, looking at the clock as you did so. It was Pedro calling.

Cheerily, you answered the phone, though your voice betrayed you, still sounding groggy and cracked having just awoken. "Morning Pedro!"

"Baby… were you crying?" He asked, sounding concerned.

"What? No? I just woke up. Why would I be crying after having such a nice night with you?" You giggled.

He didn't laugh. In fact, he was a bit quiet. Unusual for the bubbly personality he usually was. "Pedro?" You asked after a beat of silence, suddenly feeling nervous.

He sighed and said your name in a tone that sent a chill down your spine. "I think you should check your phone. It's… something's happened. You should see it yourself. I just… I'm so sorry. I hope you'll forgive me."

Your blood ran cold. What is he talking about?

"Pedro, I don't under-" he interrupted you. "Please. I'm sorry. Just, you should read through everything and think things through. I hope you'll still want to call me back and talk. Goodbye. I love you." He hung up the phone.

With shaky hands, you looked at your phone. 45 missed text messages, 10 of which were from Pedro. 200 notifications on your personal Instagram. 20 emails. 

What the hell?

You first opened Pedro's texts.

"Baby. I'm so sorry. I should've never dragged you into all this, I'm so sorry."

"I'm sure you've seen by now, I'm so sorry."

"Please forgive me."

"I know you probably want your space, but I hope you're okay. I love you."

"Baby?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm getting worried"

"Can we talk?"

"I hope you're just asleep or something."

"I never meant for this to happen."

What. The hell. Happened?

The other messages were from family and friends, all seeming to be freaking out about something. Still confused, you finally came across your answer.

News articles flooded your page. 

"Pedro Pascal Seen Leaving Party with Mystery Woman"

"Pedro Pascal Enjoys Halloween Party with Date"

"Pedro Pascal: New Girlfriend??"

"Pedro Pascal: Matching Costumes with Unknown Girl"

Oh shit.

Photo, after photo, after photo. You kept reading.

"Mystery Girl's Co-Worker Speaks Out!"

"Unknown Woman Is Pedro Super Fan"

"Pedro Pascal Dating Obsessed Fan?"

"Pedro Pascal Being Stalked By Woman"

Okay this is getting absurd. 

You clicked on the coworker article. Sure enough, your coworker, one you always thought was rude, had thrown you under the bus. Your name was out there now, thanks to her. "She and I go way back. We're practically besties. And yeah, she's totally in love with Pedro Pascal. Obsessed even."

That. Bitch, you thought angrily.

It was time to call your agent, Rose. You already had several missed calls from her, and she knew all about Pedro and your crush. She had become your confidante. You dialed her number and she quickly answered on the first ring.

"Rose! What should I do? There's pictures of me everywhere. My name is out there. My coworker commented on it. I haven't left my bedroom yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if they've found out where I live. I'm so scared. I don't know how to deal with this kind of thing."

You were on the verge of tears.

"First of all sweetheart," she calmly answered in her southern twang, "take a deep breath." You did what she said, though it hardly seemed to help.

"Second of all, I've been working on some fixin' since it all caught wind this mornin'. Things are startin' to calm down. Nobody seems to know that you're that singer, either. They just think you're some girl who managed to meet Pedro. But, I will say I think this may be the push you need. It might be time to tell the world, sugar. How you choose to do that is up to you, but don't you worry, I'll put out the fires."

You took a deep breath and sighed. "I think you're right. It was only a matter of time."

"Have you talked to Pedro yet?"

Shit. Pedro.

"Sort of. He called and woke me up. He apologized and basically hung up, telling me to call when I read everything. But I had a bunch of texts from him. He kept apologizing."

Rose clicked her tongue. "That poor sweet man. None of this was his fault. You know that too, right, darlin'? This is just what happens in show business. It ain't fair, but it also isn't his fault."

"I know that, Rose. He didn't do anything wrong. I got so caught up in all the headlines that I immediately called you and forgot to call him back. I bet he feels awful. I should get back to him. I hope he's okay, too. He only seemed concerned for me, but most of those headlines were actually about him and his dating life. I can't believe I put him through that." You suddenly realized what he may also be feeling after his confessions last night about avoiding relationships, and the inability to give you privacy from paparazzi.

Rose sighed. "Now if you don't call that sweet man, I will! You two lovebirds are perfect for each other. Apologizin' and feelin' awful for one another when neither of ya did anything wrong. Go get 'im. And hang in there, love. It'll all work out, trust me."

Your cheeks heated at her words about you and Pedro. "Thanks Rose. You always know what to say."

You two hung up and immediately you called Pedro.

"Pedro… I'm so sorry."

"Hon- wait what? Why are you sorry??"

"Those headlines were about you too, and your dating life and history. I hate that you were dragged into all this drama."

"Honey, no, please don't worry about me. Are you okay?? I know this is new for you and some of those articles were pretty mean. And that coworker of yours!? Clearly not a friend. How are you feeling?"

You took a deep breath. "Honestly, P, I'm so stressed. But I talked to my agent and she really talked me down. She said she's been playing crisis management all morning and it's dying down. But she does think it's time I tell the world who I am."

"Oh… babe. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I was so selfish, I just wanted to see you and I didn't think about the consequences. I should have known this would happen."

"Pedro, please don't feel bad. None of this is your fault. She's right, it's time. I couldn't keep it a secret forever. And the party was not a great experience, but honestly, last night was one of the best nights of my life."

"So.. you still want to be with me?" He asked, cautiously.

"What? Yes, what kind of question is that? I love you, Pedro. Of course I want to be with you. Did you change your mind?"

"No!" He answered quickly. "I want to be with you."

"Good!" You smiled for the first time since seeing all the turmoil today. "I guess I better figure out my plans for the big reveal. I have some ideas, but…" you trailed off, pausing a few seconds.

"What is it, baby?"

"I don't want to make you feel like you have to if you don't want to, but… would you come over? I think I'll go on Instagram live, and I don't want to be alone. You don't have to be in the shot, I just want your presence there. You make me happy. Just you, me, and Skipper together today."

"Of course. Anything. I'll be there."

"Thank you, P. Give me an hour?"

"Perfect. I'll see you then. I'll bring you breakfast."

"Thank you, Pedro. You're really too good to me."

"No such thing, mi amor. You deserve it."

The conversation ended, and you showered, thinking through your words for the internet. Picking out the perfect outfit and place in your house for the big reveal, it wasn't long before the hour was up and Pedro was knocking on your door with breakfast and drinks in hand.

"Yum! Thank you, Pedro." You helped him carry, and then kissed him deeply, pouring all your love into the kiss, letting all your stresses of the day fade into pure love. He kissed you back, pulling you in closer by your lower back. "I wasn't sure if you were too stressed to eat, so I got things that would be okay to reheat, or leave out until you felt up to it."

"You're the best, you know that?" You rubbed his cheek.

"Mmmm, that's yet to be revealed, mi amor" he raised an eyebrow and winked, pulling you in for another kiss. You giggled, feeling bubbles of nerves and butterflies in your stomach at his implications. But now was not the time for those thoughts. You had more pressing matters.

Pedro noticed your stress shift. "You ready?" He asked while squeezing your arm. "I'm about as ready as I'm gonna be, I guess," you shrugged. "Let's do this." You stated, him answering with a curt nod.

The two of you made way to your music room, setting up your tablet in the right place near your desk. He sat in a chair just on the other side of you, outside of view, but close enough to make you feel more at ease. He was even close enough to hold your hand under the desk if you needed. Meanwhile, Skipper sat under the table near your feet, willing to keep you company when he could tell you were unhappy.

"Here we go," you breathed. You clicked the button to go live, and the stream began.

Want more? Track 9: Here!

Thank you for reading! Stay tuned for more!

Taglist: (Want in? Let me know!)

@pedrotonin @starcrossed02 @lightupsketchersperson @cartoon-garbage04 @tyferbebe @maryfanson @gwendibley84 @faithfullyyours2000 @brilliantopposite187 @hc-geralt-23 @jenniferpendragon @winchestergypsy90 @red-red-rogue @theendwhereibegin @lottieellz101 @oliversaurus @kyga01 @milly-louise @titabel @taz-97 @stefanibear003 @marantha @fandomoniumflurry @ilovemybrown-eyedbabygirl @leiadjarin

[legacyshenanigans]

The Death Of Aleister🐍

(Just a HC post that I wanted to do for some reason. I dont think ill kill him off or anything canonically in my world haha, I just really wanted to do this. Also if anyone wants to hear this as an audio, id be down to make it 🙂)

Marvolo entered Gaunt Manor come morn after a night at the Den. The house had it's usual grim and quiet atmosphere, but there was something else in the air that made the hair on his neck stand. He took a moment to take in that odd feeling before entering the living room, seeing Ominis sat on the sofa in front of the fireplace, drinking a cup of tea.

Marvolo: Morning, Brother.

Ominis turned his head, putting down his cup in a nearby table.

Ominis: Ah, you're home, sit.

Marvolo slowly sat on the sofa, joining his brother, he furrowed his brows slightly.

Marvolo: ...What's happend? The air is unusually dark, more so than usual. I can feel it.

Without skipping a beat, Ominis spoke, his words quiet.

Ominis: Father is dead..

Marvolo simply stared at him for a moment before finally speaking.

Marvolo: ....Truly?

Ominis: Yes..Last night, he must have passed in his sleep. Mother is with him upstairs. The funeral parlour will be collecting his body shortly..

The pair sat in silence, looking off towards the flames of the fireplace for an uncomfortable amount of time.

Marvolo: ...How do you feel?

Ominis: I feel....Nothing, really...You?

Marvolo: Likewise..Truth be told I didn't know how I'd feel when this day came.. But I perhaps thought I would be glad.. ecstatic even.. And yet..

Ominis: I know exactly what you mean..But for mothers sake, try and comfort her.. Is it terrible that i'm not sad about this?

Marvolo: ....No, brother.. He made our lives difficult at the best of times.

Ominis: But..He was our father.. Why do I feel nothing for his death? Why do feel like that's awful?

Marvolo: Because you've always been a good person, Ominis...You do possess empathy.. I believe it's mother you're actually sad for, not father.. Your heart bleeds for our mother. Not him..

Ominis: ...Empathy...Is that a quality you don't have?

Marvolo: Believe it or not, In recent years, I do.. Which is why I said what I said just now.. Because that's how I also feel.. I assume you may feel the same.

Ominis: I think you're right.. I suppose we shall now have to play the parts of the grieving sons.

Marvolo: As you said.. For mothers sake, yes. Though deep down, I'm sure she knows. Best not to bring it up though. Unless she asks..But she won't..

Ominis: How do you know she won't?

Marvolo: I just know..Mother knows how we've felt about him over the years..Its a horrifically uncomfortable subject for her. Something she has always had guilt over..

Ominis: ...I do have atleast a couple of what I would concider "good" memories with father. So there is that, I guess.

Marvolo: Then if it helps you, hold on to those.

Ominis: Will you do the same?

Marvolo: Probably not.. That's not how I work.

Ominis: Will you grieve? ....Will WE grieve, at all?

Marvolo: Perhaps in time? I don't know, I honestly can't answer that question.

Ominis: ...I think I will grieve..But not for him..For the childhood we could have had. Had he been a nicer man.

Marvolo: Ominis..We've always  grieved for the childhood we could have had. That's a personal and private feeling embedded into us that'll never go away for as long as we live.

Ominis: Good god...You're right.. I just.. I don't think I've ever fully allowed myself to feel it so intensely.. Have you?

Marvolo: Over the years, yes. Many times. But not around others. And my methods to combat and relieve that feeling are not exactly healthy.. For me, it manifests as anger. You may be different. You're more sensitive than me. And there's nothing wrong with that. You grieve whatever it is you wish to grieve, however you wish to feel it. But it's important you don't bottle it up.

Ominis: Heh..I feel this is a "the pot calling the kettle black" kind of moment. You're terrible for bottling up feelings.

Marvolo: *chuckles* With certain feelings, sure.. But not that.. Like I said, my methods of letting myself feel that particular feeling are not healthy.. Its a big part of why I'm the way I am.. Though I know I shouldn't use that as an excuse.. But that's the truth of the matter.

Ominis: ....Should we go upstairs? And comfort Mother before they come for him?

Marvolo: *stands* I think that would be wise.. Come.

~

[they-call-me-emmy]

Memories - Tara Carpenter

I'm using da lyrics from 'Memories' by my angelic sweet angel face Conan Gray. I worship him. Thank you.

i dont even know how to classifiy this or whatever but lie eyhahh

yey.

It's been a couple months That's just about enough time For me to stop crying when I look at all the pictures

The Polaroids on your bed sheet. The small, scribbled dates in blue sharpie on the back. The way you genuinely looked happy in the photo. The way your own face looked back at you. The way her face looked back at you. It's been months. Get over it. That's what your friends tell you. What your family tells you. What you tell yourself.

Now I kinda smile, I haven't felt that in a while It's late, I hear the door Bell ringing and it's pouring

Tears well up in your eyes, blurring your vision and causing the lights to disable it completely. You needed to put these pictures down. Throw them away, lock them up, anything. Anything to make you stop looking. The sad, sarcastic laugh escapes your throat and you feel weird the moment it comes out.

You jump as the doorbell rings. You don't know who it could be. Its raining outside, you can hardly see the streetlamps. Your wearing the same baggy, stained shirt you'd been wearing for the previous week and a half. It might have been hers, you honestly can't remember.

You stumble to the door, opening it and feeling your eyes widen.

I open up that door, see your brown eyes at the entrance You just wanna talk and I can't turn away a wet dog

"Tara." You say, a slight twinge of coldness to your tone, although you were too shocked and hurt to muster up enough to shoot at her.

"Y/n." She said softly, the same tone as yours but the coldness replaced with what normally you would label as guilt. But Tara doesn't feel guilty....does she?

"Can I..." You clear your throat, willing yourself not to shout or cry or blame her for everything. It takes a lot of strength to not shut the door in her face, but you've always had a soft spot for her. "Can I help you?"

"I just...I just want to talk." She stares at her feet.

"Oh."

"Okay."

But please don't ruin this for me Please don't make it harder than it already is I'm trying to get over this

You can't have this girl ruining everything. Barging back in, to 'talk'. But you knew. You knew how much you wanted her back. But you're working for it. Working on getting over it. You're trying, you really are, but fuck. It might not be working. She's making this harder by coming here, bugging you. If she'd let you be, you'd forget about her, at some point.

Right?

I wish that you would stay in my memories But you show up today, just to ruin things I wanna put you in the past 'cause I'm traumatized

You wanted to forget. Have it all gone. Burn those fucking photos. But she's here, and she's real, and she's talking about how sorry she is, how her life is a mess and she needs a place to stay. And you can't do it now, you couldn't do it before and certainly not when she's crying in your living room. But you needed to get over her. You were scared.

But you're not letting me do that, 'cause tonight You're all drunk in my kitchen, curled in the fetal position Too busy playing the victim to be listening to me when I say

She's been drinking. The daze in her eyes and her wobbly movements and speech would show that to anyone. She's crying, telling you she left you for your own sake, that she didn't mean it and she was just having a hard time with life.

But now you were having a hard time. Because of her. And here she was, drunkenly crying to you. And here you were, letting her back in, for what? What're you getting out of this?

But you just can't turn her away.

"I wish that you would stay in my memories" In my memories, stay in my memories

"Tara, it's not right. You should leave. You're in my past. Go."

"G-God, please Y/n...d-don't k-kick me out-t." She sniffled, and her big brown eyes filled with more tears and suddenly you felt guilty, like kicking a bird from it's nest. But this wasn't her place. She didn't live here, you weren't with her. She had no right to stay.

But for some crazy reason you'd definitely regret in a day, you let her stay.

Now I can't say goodbye if you stay here the whole night You see, it's hard to find an end to something that you keep beginning Over and over again

"Can I stay over?" She asked you softly, her eyes wide and you couldn't say no.

Why can't you ever say no?

You knew that you'd never leave her behind if she kept coming back, forcing her way back into your heart. You knew you'd never get over her when she's laying on you couch like she used to, eyes closed and a sweet, innocent aura surrounding her sleeping figure.

I promise that the ending always stays the same So there's no good reason in make believing that we could ever exist again

You weren't ever going to go back to the way it was. She needs to stop trying. There's nothing in your favor. In your relationships favor. There's nothing that makes you two an important couple. You were just two people. You couldn't be with her anymore. That ship had sailed, and relationships never last through the second round.

I can't be your friend, can't be your lover Can't be the reason we hold back each other from falling in love With somebody other than me

You couldn't be her friend, it's too much to bear. The knowledge that you'd been with her, felt her, held her and loved her was too much. And she knew that. You couldn't be her girlfriend again. That hadn't worked out the first round, why would you suffer to try to survive the second? But she can't feel a connection, no, because then, she'd be stuck pity filled and guilty, and she too, just like you, would never move on and never find love. But it can't be with you, and it will never be because god fucking dammit that didn't work out and you ruined your chance. She ruined your chance.

She ruined this for you, and there was no going back. There was no fixing what had been broken.

And for that, she deeply regretted.

I clearly cannot write sad stuff

please comment because those are my favorites <3

[tiny-sassy-aggressive]

9-1-1 S8 E13 WATCH AND REACTION

INVISIBLE

Archie this poor man this is so sad

BUCK IS SO EXCITED TO USE THE RAM! I love the first person pov of being the door and being slammed?? Like okay cinematography

So are Eddie and Buck ever not on FaceTime?? I’m???? Both while cooking??? What in. The??

Eddie. Darling. I love you. But how awkward for your kid to ask his dad if he can stay with him again after all this time! He needs his dad! Please!

Awww the tickets are so cute :((((

what time are we meeting to fight the Diaz parents?? It’s. I’m genuinely shocked and horrified at their behavior yet note how damn realistic it is.

Only Eddie eating his amazing home cooked food I’m gonna sob

ONLY ONE PARENT CAN GO. YEAH. EMPHASIS ON PARENT. WHAT THE HELL

Hennnn lookin good for her birthday!!!! Hell yeah!

No way they all forgot. Absolutely not they did not this has to be a ploy.

Currently fighting Helena in my mind in a parking lot. Her attitude is making my skin CRAWL

Oh Archie not again.

PAUSE- that’s a photo of Buck in Maddie’s kitchen baking. THATS A BOLD PHOTO AS THE CONTACT PHOTO. They are probably just playing it off as a photo as in whatever it’s just a photo BUT in my headcanon this is setting up the Eddie/maddie friendship (interaction) we’ve been waiting for. Bc Maddie took the photo and either sent to Eddie or sent to Buck and Buck sent to Eddie. On no level am I assuming Maddie took this photo and Buck made it is Apple ID photo and now that appears for everyone when he calls

Eddie on facebook and buck making fun of him WHILE trying to get advice about hen im DEAD

LOWKEY— Buck saying it’s Eddies job as Chris’s dad to damage him is so good. DAD UP

I’m so glad Eddie is fixing up this entire house so he can sell it again and come back to LA

Karen having an emergency gift cabinet is so good. CHIM GOES WHIMSICAL WHEN HES IN FHE WRONF —- I need more examples.

Oh no Chris :( HE HATES CHESS. HE HATES CHESS HE HATES CHESS. YES EDDIE DAD UP CHRIS IS LIVING WITH EDDIEEE YEAAAHHHHH

ARCHIE WAIT NO!!! oh my gosh he really didn’t mean to stab the guy. I mean. Archie is still unstable but wow! It really was an accident.

Hen is such a good speaker tho. So calm and knew exactly how to help him and get him off the bus. WHY WIYLD ARCHIE REACH IN HIS POCKET DUDE??? Aww he got hen a gift I-

HELL YEAH EDDIE MARCH IN THERE GET CHRISS STUFF. THIS IS JUST LIKE SO MANY OF US IMAGINED IT. HES so calm and confident. THIS is the energy. Not screaming or angry. Pure. Confidence that what he is doing is the right thing for Chris and for himself.

Realllllyyyyy hope the ballroom dance line isn’t throw away but knowing 9-1-1 it totally is but I would have loved to see it. Please fanfic writers I need you rn!

“Punch it dad” and what if I cried?

Awwww big dinner for hen :) OH MY GOSH GUILT ACTS OF SERVICE FROM BYCK IM CRYING HE WILL DO ANYTHIINNF AND EVERYRHINF TO MAKE IR UP FOR HER— and Bobby making sure he’s fed with a to go box they. They are such a family

Honestly. Ended a little too happy what horror are we getting at next week?

[hurrakka]

oh man. theoretically in a l4d au luis would've helped develop the green flu yeah? sure it's a naturally occurring virus in l4d canon (maybe. we're not really sure where it comes from cus ceda doesnt say shit but ellis mentions the government using bio-bombs in one of his keith stories so it could be a bioweapon?) but this is an au we can do what we want.

anygays im just imagining leon getting infected. we know better-safe-than-sorry-guy (i call him scout cus his va is the same as scout from tf2) is human when we first find him but experiencing extreme paranoia and some compulsions then a few minutes later he fully turns, going from able to speak and function to choking and growling and fully mutated (either into a hunter, boomer, or smoker) so there's always the possibility of a rapid transformation too. im thinking leon falling behind a bit while theyre walking because he's coughing and chokin and shit n he falls to his knees and luis is all like "bro whats wrong!!" and he gets to watch as leon Turns Before His Eyes. even better if he turns into a hunter cus if you look closely at their models they don't have eyes. we can't be exactly sure what Happens to their eyes when they turn but the two most popular headcanons are both equally brutal-- either Luis has to watch Leon's eyes quite literally melt out of his skull or he gets to watch him claw his own eyes out. Fun!

BUT there's graffiti in one of the safe rooms arguing over how long it actually takes to turn-- whether it's 20 minutes, 2 hours, overnight, or some other wacky chunk of time. so there's also the thought of Leon turning slowly. progressively becoming irritable and irrational and confused and him slipping in and out of conciousness for days until Luis goes to check his temp one day and he fucking Lunges.

and if leon turns and luis makes it out alive imagine the Guilt. he feels awful enough in re4 canon when there's a cure,,, but the green flu mutates too often to develop a proper cure for it. if leon gets infected and he isnt immune then he's just. done. theres nothing that can help him at that point. and luis already feels so goddamn guilty about the millions of people he's killed and now leon's gone too and he cant help but visualize every single person who had somebody ripped from them by his hands.

oh man and if luis has to put leon down? its joever. that man would Never recover. i dont even know if he'd keep trying to survive at that point. maybe just for that shred of hope of developing a cure (even though he knows it'd be damn-near impossible but it's the only thing hes got, dammit) and stopping this whole disaster.

coughs. sorry for the rambling i simply have been obsessed with l4d for going on 12 years now so <3

I had to lay down for a moment bc of the feels and potential outcomes in the event luis lives on while leon well...yeah (thinkin abt how buddy from re damnation would jus turn as well since leon is no longer there and that made me big sad dgkrnekhbfgnjklh) Since the re verse has like morbillion viruses, the green flu existing would be plausible so its just another stonks moment for umbrella lol. But yeah luis would absolutely be devastated. He probably doesnt have the guts to pull the trigger, least he can do is to restrain leon for a while and tries to find whatever humanity he has left in his nonexistent eyes. Tho in my witch!leon hc I think luis may have a chance to keep leon around??? Since witches seem to have the most humanity among the infected (and thats not saying much) he could probs observe him a lil bit without getting eaten right away. It would just be a warm bodies scenario ngl (i just watched that movie recently so this is huge copium dksfghbshgndfh) Honestly Im glad l4d fandom still alive after all these years. That game will always be goated and it was one of my high-school obsessions. I used to do crossover stuff back then and Im back to doing it now. Time rly do be a flat circle

[spacestationstorybook]

this is mostly for me but i had fun with it.

(today edit: this has been in my drafts for a long time because i felt like no one would care about it other than me but before i go on break from this blog or whatever i'm gonna post it in case anyone does want to see it lmao. a bunch of notes on each individual phase under the cut)

faraday ascends!: in my head, happens about 7 or 8 years after they moved to the grove. after they quit their graduate program, as a way to categorize their thoughts and keep themselves busy they start keeping journals regarding various aspects of life there, stuff they're learning about or want to learn about, and their personal thoughts on life (these get published some time post-ascension, with some help and encouragement from‏‏‎ ‎click‏‏‎ ‎clack.‏‏‎) despite the amount of time that's passed, they're still very much getting used to godhood when hector shows up.

hector arrives: with‏‏‎ ‎bizzyboys‏‏‎ ‎in‏‏‎ ‎tow,‏‏‎ ‎of course. despite being very young for an aspiring god and less established in the community than most gods of the past, his reputation as a leader and his helpful nature endears him to most. on hector's part, he falls for faraday allllmost right away. he's somewhat awestruck by all the gods, but they feel the most human, the most connected to their previous mortal existence, and thus that little bit more approachable...though they're still a god, and you never quite forget it. he probably tries to hide the crush at least at first but he is not very good at it. as mentioned...faraday is Not used to the attention. it's a very new experience for them. but...not a bad one.

hector ascends: hi spekta :) faraday probably offers to show him the ropes a little bit like‏‏‎ ‎cobi‏‏‎ ‎did‏‏‎ ‎for them and along the way starts...Feeling. Things.

dating start: honestly if i could i'd make the mutual pining phase even longer because i love when they're lame and sappy and trying to pretend they're not but i wanted them to be together for as much of the spek era as i could. i don't think they'd ever confirm they're together for like. the public as a whole because that would freak faraday out a lot and i think‏‏‎ ‎spek‏‏‎ ‎as a newbie god would worry about people seeing him as just an extension of faraday but those who are close to them in any way (so the gods‏‏‎ ‎and‏‏‎ ‎spek's‏‏‎ ‎trusted‏‏‎ ‎bizzies.‏‏‎ ‎and maybe a few of faraday's acolytes?) know. most of the content i make falls within this phase. happy sappy oopy goopy.

king arrives: it's not Bad for a while. i imagine they were even friends for a little bit (it's implied‏‏‎ ‎king‏‏‎ ‎used to look up to hector‏‏‎ ‎which is something that Really Fucks Me Up). when talk starts about promoting her to godhood, when she seems to integrate herself more effortlessly than he ever did...that's when it starts to get to him. with faraday in the picture it probably still takes a While for him to backslide but something starts brewing. slowly.

more lighthearted bit from discord:

breakup: the sads :( faraday notices spekta‏‏‎ ‎withdrawing‏‏‎ ‎and tries to get through to him but he's resistant in confronting the actual issue. things come to a head, they argue, both of them say things they deeply regret later and part on bad terms. spek‏‏‎ ‎officially decides to move forward with his plan. faraday is consumed with guilt about this for a long time afterwards, wondering if they should have tried harder to get to the root of his problems, if they abandoned him when he needed them most. they talk through all this stuff when they get back together but it's hard for a while. (even if faraday‏‏‎ ‎had stayed with him his resentment of the other gods and king especially would have still been a problem. it may have gone from "me against the world" to "me and faraday against the world" but something would have had to change regardless.)

canon: It's Da Game. but faraday is there! you can find them‏‏‎ ‎outside‏‏‎ ‎of‏‏‎ ‎buzzhuzz.‏‏‎ ‎they're going through a lot. i might try writing some dialogue for meeting them in-game and what their responses to different speech bubbles would be sometime.

hector de-ascends: talked a lot about the essentials here. they've got a lot to work through but really out of everyone‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‎inspekta‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎wronged‏‏‎ ‎faraday was one of the Least bad. neither of them would feel comfortable jumping back into it immediately though. he's got to make amends and they've got to deal with their own stuff (seen above). they're not Better once they got back together but it's obvious they missed each other a lot. at some point before hector knows for sure if he's going to reascend or not they get married. it's not very formal or very well-attended but they don't mind.

hector re-ascends: i haven't thought a Lot about this period of time but since it's mostly my happy ending wish fulfillment i mostly go with what makes me happy. (also: capo‏‏‎ ‎tells faraday to take good care of him as hector goes through the rift a second time. idk if this counts as what makes me happy considering it makes me tear up but it's important to me.) he goes‏‏‎ ‎by‏‏‎ ‎inspekta‏‏‎ ‎again,‏‏‎ ‎but the other gods can call him‏‏‎ ‎hector‏‏‎ ‎as a term of endearment sometimes.‏‏‎ ‎really it's mostly faraday‏‏‎ ‎and sometimes‏‏‎ ‎miss‏‏‎ ‎m.‏‏‎ ‎he's the god of forgiveness and redemption...and leadership again but it's less of a priority. a little bit less stretchy and cartoony, a little more serious, but still kewt. (i like to imagine faraday asking him to say adorable for them and he messes up again and they start sob-giggling.) he has an actual body under his coat! no more unlimited hands. maybe two extras he can manifest at will but that's his limit. he can stretch and coil a little (juuuuust enough to curl up comfy around faraday) but not as much as he used to. he's a lot more toned down, in general. but faraday still loves him. and they always always will. and he will love them, for as long as they'll have him. forever, or close enough.

AGAIN. MOSTLY THIS IS FOR ME LMAO. BUT IF YOU READ ALL THIS. THANKS <3

[deusex1994]

You will not have any doubt that psychological time is a mental disease if you look at its collective manifestations. “I” can no longer operate under the implicit assumption that the highest good lies in the future and that therefore the end justifies the means. The end is an idea, a point in the mind-projected future, when salvation in whatever form - happiness, fulfillment, equality, liberation, and so on - will be attained. Do you believe that if you acquire more things you will become more fulfilled, good enough, or psychologically complete? Am I just waiting for someone to come and change my life for the better? I feel a need to shed my skin, become a hull of who I once was, think about the present. I spend so much time forming relationships with people, even with the feeling that it's going to go away eventually. Day by day, moment after moment. Countless self improvement, countless reflections of my past. I am not sure what lies ahead,. What can I do for myself? I need to stop dwelling about the future. I need to be in the now. Alone or not. I must find a way to dig myself out of this hole of jealousy and self destruction. I must STRIVE for it, YEARN for it, I need to make myself WANT that escape. I want to help myself but lack the motivation. I'm afraid of it all happening again. What if I lose someone else, what if they grow tired of me, is it even worth it? I feel as if I have hollowed, I hull of a person. I no longer feel like ME. Everytime I look in the mirror I must ask myself, is it really YOU? Honestly, I feel lost in this life. I feel like I am without cause, purpose, anything. If I am to rise against I need to release the belief that I need someone else to help me achieve that. Even though I might miss them. But in the long run, maybe that's a good thing. As most times I've just gotten too close to the sun and burned myself on the words of hurt. If I let you, you would make me destroy myself. In order to survive you, I must first survive myself. What does it mean to change yourself? Is it something that can be described? Is it something internal? Who knows.

Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry, all forms of fear, are caused by too much future and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, greed, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness is caused by too much past and not enough presence. Finding that balance is something I've struggled with for so long. I feel as if it's killing me slowly, driving me insane. Countless sleepless nights, thinking about what COULD'VE been, what COULD be. All for what? Some personal satisfaction? Some feeling that I'm not worthless? Why would that matter. I would just be doing the same actions, just a slightly better feeling. So I ask myself. Is that worth it? Why should I strive for that if I can make myself feel that way. I just lack the motivation. Why? I couldn't tell you honestly. I have no idea how or WHY I feel in the first place. Why does anyone feel? Is it just a distraction? Are we even real? Mindless thoughts and questions plague my mind like a cascade of confusion. I must strike them down and begin anew. Even then, will that really be enough? If I make myself believe that I am happy even tho I am not, am I actually happy or just distracted. So I ask you. Is that really change?

I have come curiously close to the end, beneath my self indulgent, pitiful hole. Defeated I concede, move closer. I may find comfort here. I may find peace in the emptiness. I feel as if it's calling me. Giving off a warm inviting tone. Shrouding all the ground around me. Self control is a hard thing to master. I often have urges of leaving everything behind. And I often ask myself. WHATS WRONG WITH ME. I want to claw at my skin for the answers beneath the settlements of my thoughts. Before I end up pining away at some useless cause. It's like my mind can't help but make itself garrulously ramble on. I would like to find a distraction to this needless need for the emptiness. Ik it's a bad feeling, but it feels oh so good. Basking in the blank light rays. Must crucify this ego.

Before I Pine Away.

We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion. The words ever so splattered across my mind recently. I must celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing. Standing where I am is no more than a privilege, that most people seem to take for granted. I am ALIVE! Rejuvenating in the waters of my mind. Encased by this body that holds me. I shall no longer be tethered to this mortal plane. Spinning, weaving through each new experience. A chance to break away shows itself soon.

Reminds me of my own mortality.

Watch the weather change. Watch everything change around you. Change is a hard thing to process. Yet it is one of the most constant things. Change has happened a lot around me, but I'm still here giving blood, keeping faith. No loving embrace, no rewards to reap. Surely I would've quit this tedious path of change by now. No. I must keep reminding myself of this. Draining patience, draining vitality.

Gotta wait it out.

Steps to reaching Bearite enlightenment.

1. Shed your mistakes, Let go.

"If you carry the dust of what you leave behind, there will be room for nothing else."

2. One Day a week of no media consumption.

"One must be with themselves alone to understand who they truly are"

3. Learn forgiveness.

"You will go nowhere with hatred except deeper into that hole of despair"

4. Do not lie with sheep.

"Keeping those without your best interest will do nothing but harm your thoughts and your image"

5. Finally. Do not feel bad for your wants, but do not greed.

"The eye will give unto thee, as long as you stay faithful and true to yourself.

6. Remember you are loved.

"Loving embrace to see me through."

7. Try not to overthink.

"Heavy Is the head that falls with the weight of a thousand thoughts."

8. We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion.

"Experience this chance to be alive and breathing, it is merely a privilege."

9. Stay Patient.

"Gotta wait it out."

[goo-stew-4-you]

bah humbug.

Merry whatever, happy who cares, and prosperous up yours.

I shouldn't be so cynical, I love Christmas. It was always my job to help decorate, to bake the cookies, to wrap presents. I was the little elf. I forced everyone to be festive. I don't know what shifted. My physical absence in my childhood home has left that hole for my family, but even for myself, the Christmas joy is gone.

My time home for Christmas is the longest I've been here since last January. You can tell that I'm not here much; there is not a shred of my clothing, a tschoskie I used to collect, or even any food I can eat anywhere. Instead of being welcomed home to doting family, warm meals, and a comfortable bed to fall into after a stressful semester, I am a visitor sleeping in my kitchen, my door being a sheet hung on a string. I prepare all of my meals myself, not like my family eats together anyway. I push my family to get out and do things together, and if we do, someone complains, but most of the time we don't. When it's time for me to return to school, I always get guilt-tripped, since my parents "barely saw me" the entire time I was home. Could it hurt for them to make the effort to spend time with me? There's a reason I don't come home often.

And now it's Christmas day. A weird tinge of sadness paints today, and no one wants to talk about it. I know why Christmas makes me sad. It's a reminder that my parents have no idea who I am. I can't entirely blame them for that, but it feels really easy to feel sorry for myself about it. It seems that my parents have only ever had an idea of who Paige is, even when I was younger. They can make out the silhouette, but it's hard for them to fill in the details. I got a bunch of backpacking gear for Christmas, all the stuff that was on my list. I'm grateful for it, it was what I needed, and nothing that I would buy for myself. But the smaller gifts felt impersonal. There was nothing that I received that wasn't on my list that indicated that there was any thought about what I might like. It felt very safe. I honestly would have felt better if they had tried to get me something specific and missed the mark completely. At least then it would have felt like they were trying.

I think it doesn't help that I come from a stiff-upper-lip family. Which is crazy to think about, since I am such an emotional person. It's always been this way, especially with my mom. I think messy emotions scare her. I've been trying to be more open of a person, more real (it's something that I've always struggled with), and I told her that Christmas makes me sad. All she could reply was "me too, isn't that sad?" End of conversation. I wanted to tell her that I felt like I have never really felt comfortable opening up to her or Dad, a weird part of me wanted to pull up all the past receipts, be mad, and yell at her about all the times when I tried to open up and she shut me down, or maybe cry with her about how we miss Grandma. I didn't get any of this, case in point.

A big part of me wants to go back to Worcester. I want to run away from my feelings and problems and spend the next 14 days sitting around and watching tv and sleeping all day. A big part of me wants to stop existing, just for a little bit, just until I can feel normal again.

A big part of me is so resentful of Rae. To be so blatant, she has always gotten exactly what she wanted or needed, and she still complains. I'm resentful because she asked for help, and she received it. She's allowed to throw fits, she's allowed to ask for more, she's allowed to be upset, and most of all, she's allowed to fail. And I don't ask for help, and I don't receive it. This is partly my fault. But, for good reason, for case studies in the past, I have asked for help, and I have not received it. I have been told to stop being dramatic, to suck it up. When I told my parents I was assaulted by a close family friend, that they were a room over when it happened, my mom told me she was worried that I was gonna come home and tell them that I was pregnant, as if my months of lonely sadness were the least of my worries. This just builds my resentment.

But I know that my parents don't know any better. I know that my mom is like me, she doesn't like to talk about her feelings, or maybe she doesn't think she can unless they're resolved and wrapped in a beautiful bow of self-actualization, and a note saying "But don't worry about me, I've got it figured out." What a beautiful Christmas gift that would be, I think that's what I want this year. Vulnerability, and proof that my family actually cares.

[mesmerium]

seventeen mean so much to me, i’m actually so emotional. i think i talked about this already but quite literally seventeen saved my life. if you’re bored and want to read a whole essay about their impact on my life, here lmao

tw // depression, mentions of suicide (nothing graphic!)

i took leave from med school because my depression was so bad, even when i was getting good grades and had leadership positions (plural!!???) and was doing well in extracurriculars. these things honestly only served to worsen my mental state. the pressure i had put on myself, the insomnia i developed from being anxious all the time, the fear of failure and not being liked and being made fun of for trying too hard, etc. it all came to a head, and i had to make it stop. so i did. i took a leave of absence, and all of a sudden, after years and years of keeping myself too busy to think too much, too busy to contemplate, i had nothing to do but listen to my thoughts and wallow in sadness and emptiness. it wasn’t any better, and i had honestly lost any hope for myself. at that point i had been dealing with depression for more than a decade, and even while on medication i couldn’t bear to live anymore.

so i started writing goodbye letters to the few people that mattered to me. it wasn’t my first time, but i thought that it would be the last. there was a finality to everything i was doing. in february 2022, i attempted suicide. i prepared everything the night before, woke up early, and did it. but before i could do enough damage to myself, guilt seeped through me. i thought to myself, “it’ll be my dad’s birthday in a few days, it’s so selfish of me to be doing this before he could even celebrate.” so i dropped everything, patched myself up (thank god for med school materials amirite), and cried myself to sleep. that day, with nothing else to do, no energy for anything, i tried watching going seventeen.

i became a fan of seventeen in 2016, after pretty u promotions. i watched ofd and was obsessed with the going seventeen mini album when it came out. unfortunately i decided to drop kpop as a hobby for a bit because i was really busy and living my life, so it’s a little funny that my first step back into it was when i had nothing else to do after attempting lol. when i tell you it got me to laugh after a month of not being able to. i got invested, and it gave me something to do while i was waiting for my dad’s birthday to pass.

one night, a few days after my dad’s birthday, an ex who passed away in december 2021 visited me in my dreams. i asked him what he was doing in my dream, and he took me to visit his family home. he told me he was watching over his family before leaving completely. we chatted, and i asked him if i would regret going the same way he did. he told me that it is the way it is, and that he’s found peace where he is. it was up to me, he said. i woke up and cried, because i missed him, because i was glad that he was happy, because it felt like a sign that it was time for me too.

that night i attempted again. i felt myself floating, losing whatever it was that tethered me to my corporeal self. yet i am here still typing out this post in 2023. how and why? because a thought hit me, and i scrambled to get the wire off of my neck. “i won’t be able to watch going seventeen in the afterlife, if there was an afterlife at all.” it seems so goofy and insane, especially now while looking back, but it was enough to get me to panic and stop before i could succeed.

that’s how seventeen gave me something to live for. it sounds so inconsequential and dumb, yes, but when you’re teetering on the edge, the tiniest pull matters. my motivation from then on was to make it to wednesday to watch going seventeen, then if i wanted to die after that, so be it. but the desire to watch 13 men be goofy on camera, to see them with so much adoration and affection for each other and their fans, was so much greater. it helped me get through each week, and before i knew it weeks turned into months and months turned into a year. they filled me with so much love and inspiration, helped me get back up on my feet and feel normal again, gave me a community filled with kind, creative, and equally loving people from all over the world.

they’re not the answer to my problems, i know that. i’m still struggling. but without them i wouldn’t even be able to live to see the day that i overcome those problems. thanks to them, i found the will to better myself. thanks to them, i can look forward to what the future holds. i hope i am allowed the honor of knowing and loving them like this in every lifetime. ‘til the last say the name!!!

“It’s our first time living this life, so how can we be good from the beginning? Even I’m still having a hard time. Let’s learn together.” — Hoshi