#whatever helps make the sadness and guilt go away honestly

[hardcolorfest]

✨️ AM I PLURAL? ✨️

Please help me, I have gone back and forth on this for years, at least 10 years which is literally like a third of my life so far!

Please, I am desprate for ANY outside views and opinions, I feel like I need others to read my experience and help me understand why I keep on getting into this cycle of "this is plural/no actually its not."

EDIT: this is LONG and I ran out of energy near the end so the writing gets really sloppy so I added a timeline of events up top. I'm so sorry, this ended up turning into more of a vent towards the end, but if anyone wants to read my life story and give me... uhhh........ feedback? I'm sorry words hard now I'm so tired.

I'm getting tired of the doubting and accepting cycle, the "is this normal and I'm just attributing it to a plural thing" floating around in my head constantly. I'm going to try and keep this short, but I'll need to lay everything out so anyone can get a full picture of what I'm/We're working with.

First of all, sorry this is posted on a random empty blog with a title and description totally unrelated. I was going to use this blog for something else but the crisis in my/our identity keeps getting in the way of doing much of anything solid for the last like year now. That's how bad this has gotten now, I hardly feel like a real person anymore and I don't know what to do. Secondly I'm really sorry if there are typos or anything like that. Sometimes my phone autocorrects something and I won't notice that it's changed it to something really weird, like it sometimes switches "I" to "you" and so on for like literally no reason so idk.

Now on to the meat.

🌲

The timeline so far goes > 2012 discover systems > understand I'm not one even though I'd like to be > follow and watch systems online while reading any resource or information posts > learn about tulpas > "make" first tulpa > seemingly gains sentience and gets angry > leaves > 2016 reset > 2016 does not care about being a system > fuzzy memory bullshit here, none of it has to do with this posts topic > 2019 reset > mostly uninterested in being plural > in 2020, 2019 me decides to try make a tulpa again > goes surprisingly well, much faster than last time (which I barely remember at this time) > he eventually talks without my focused effort > I doubt his existence being real > he gets angry, we argue for weeks > eventually he disappears, vaguely sometimes feel like he's "checking in on me" > the 2021 fuckery (more trauma) > homeless and feeling alone > now have stable housing > vaguely refer to self as plural and make a pk and list out like 6 headmates including yourself as one and the past tulpas > goes well and smoothly for a while, everyone's pretty happy despite acknowledging past trauma and working on that together > 2023 reset happens > make new accounts again and feel upset about all these past events > is happy and having a lot of fun all year > occasionally still feels like the logged pk headmates are vaguely around but can't really talk to them much anymore > sometimes fully switches out anyway but not too long > remembers these resets happened before and makes posts to 2019's freinds > mixed reception and lots of questions, 2023 gets overwhelmed and never answers back > now I feel guilty

✨️ I will now explain in more detail.

So for the last 10 years, probably a little longer by like a year or two but I can't be precise, I've known about plurality, DID, tulpas and other concepts like this. I've also been aware of kins/therians/otherkin/fictionkin and so on and related concepts for much longer, 20 years or so, give or take a year or two again. I've never been very good at role-playing, and I struggled to "play" anyone but myself.

Since learning about systems, I took an interest in them. In the concept of being able to step back and let someone else take control. The idea was extremely appealing. I've been traumatized from a childhood of neglect and abuse, and life was starting to get to the point it was wearing me down to nothing. I wanted to take a break, to "die but not die" as I had put it back then. To "go away" with little financial consiquence and come back when I felt recharged. I wasn't really sure how I felt about sharing my life, but was willing to if it meant I could sometimes take a break. Gladly.

So I did a lot of research, quietly reading and observing people online. Maybe it was a little creepy, like watching a fandom from afar and learning what the show they liked was about secondhand through them. I think after I learned about how DID presents, I decided it wasn't really how I was at all and concluded for sure I was not and never could be a system since I did not talk to voices in my head, loose control of my body, nor have severe trauma (to me at the time, this is definitely not the case) and therefore I was not a system. I still watched from afar though.

I think I learned about tulpas around then. I knew I wasn't ever going to have DID due to my conclusions at the time, so I guess I could emulate a headmate until my brain thought it was real. And I still do think you can do this, don't get me wrong, I am fascinated by the human mind and how we process things and the nature of consciousness from a scientific level. I don't think its too far fetched for our brains to be able to do this, genuinely, even if I choose weird ways to describe it.

Anyway, I did try to make a tulpa a few times, maybe twice honestly, but each of them eventually got angry with me once they got to the point they could talk freely. The anger was about me doubting their existence after they were no longer being consciously forced and could do things without my input. Each time, after a little bit of arguing for weeks, they would disappear and I would be left feeling alone in scilence and upset at the fact that I ultimately caused them to leave me.

I have, in the past, "reset" myself somehow. I don't think I did it intentionally, I'm not even sure if there's a common trigger. It's happened a few times. It's happened in the past but I have no real memory of them except for vague feelings and fuzzy memories that feel like I'm seeing someone else's life. However I do remember more about the last two times than any other times.

The first of these was around 2016 I think, and that version of "me" now feels like a complete seprate being who has their own name, likes and dislikes, interests and hobbies, spiritual and political beliefs, and vision of themselves in terms of looks and self-concept. And then in 2019 that version of "me" got packed away into the back of my mind and suddenly I was someone else.

This 2019 "me" had some leftover interests, and of course had any knowledge nessicary to still life the continuous life that having a body and a presence requires, like knowledge of family and friends, jobs and schedules, and so on. It felt like taking over someone else's life, but none of their stuff is really yours. Their freinds suddenly feel like strangers, or at best acquaintances you could say "hello" to but really couldn't hold a conversation with anymore. Even interests and hobbies that carried over were either dampened feeling or the focus of that interest/hobby changed significantly enough that it wasn't really expressed in the same ways. 2019 "me" enjoyed art and drawing with a lot of the same enthusiasm that 2016 did, but with less of a focus on furry and more of a focus on anime, and in particular diving into the world of en ess eff double-yew, which 2016 was not interested in the least but 2019 was vigorously passionate about lol

The further back in versions of "me" we go, the fuzzier it gets. But the general feeling is the same. You wake up in a room with someone else's clothes, books, toys and collections and you have to fight yourself to not immediately throw them all out. You know that would just make them sad. And they do kind of pop back in, although usually only for a short time, a few hours to maybe a day or two, where you just suddenly feel like the past you is you again and everything from the name association, hobbies and beliefs come crashing back like a tidal wave, washing "current you" out of the picture for the time. And besides, they miss their friends. You think about their freinds from time to time, wanting to talk again, wanting to make the lingering sadness happy again...

Its happened again, 2023. I remember more clearly about 2019, since that was the "me" before me.

During 2019 me's "life" I went through another pretty traumatic event involving others who I trusted at the time, ended up homeless and really effed up. Obviously I made it out okay for the most part, I'm still alive and I'm here. I think 2019 me started dying around that time though.

And as it felt like 2019 me was dying, "others" started to feel like they were there. Past "me's" and the past tulpas and others as well who I never tried to intentionally create or who I remember as being a "reset." They would sometimes take over, like in that I would feel like I would suddenly be them and identified myself with their name, enjoyed their likes and hobbies, the dislikes, the views and opinions. And I wasn't actually "me" anymore, I was fully "them" in my opinion. Like a shape shifter who still feels themselves in the back of the current "you." Not really like a performance, like it was natural and correct.

At this point I want to notice we had stable housing and a stable job. Things were looking up around the time it felt like 2019 me was fading. While homeless "I" was the only one present, struggling to stay alive takes your full effort and attention and leaves very little room for thoughts pondering your potential identity. But after having a safe place to live is when we had that boom of sudden activity.

A lot of not much happens except daily life and occasional switches logged, happily accepting self as plural. Quietly too, I never ended up announcing it to anyone, and for most people we appeared as a single entity that just sometimes got into specific "moods." I was never actually interested in being loudly plural, even when I desired being plural from afar. Even back then I agreed (with myself lol) that if I ever found out I was plural we would keep it to ourselves and enjoy each other's company like an in-joke nobody else would ever be aware of but us.

But we did start to fade a bit, and after maybe just a month into 2023 everyone disappeared.

After the 2023 reset, I was left all alone, with all the knowledge of everything that happened. I felt again like a stranger in someone else's body, in their life. I knew inherently to keep up the charade and not tell anyone. I knew I couldn't just go up to 2019's friends and tell them "I'm sorry but you're a stranger to me now, like my sibling's friend's friends, and I'm really hurt by this because now i feel alone and empty." Nobody takes that the right way.

And I found a new fandom to be interested in so I could just pretend and "be someone else" and not have to address to 2019's friends why I suddenly stopped talking to them. New accounts, new personality. No name. Had several months of happy fun fandom time before the really bad feelings about abandoning my freinds and not explaining what happened at all to them started to set in.

Still, I was happy. I got to exist freely this time, maybe I could openly be plural online! But you know, the whole emptiness and they disappeared thing. It sucked, but I got little whispers here and there. Now that I think about it, I think they never really disappeared but just got super weak.

Whatever, the point here is I want them to come back but we keep having strained communication and difficulty with fuzziness any time any "non-me's" try to take over.

And I felt guilty.

So I messaged some of 2019's friends recently with mixed reception. Some of who just seemed like they were happy to hear anything at all after I disappeared completely for almost a whole year. Some who never really responded, Some of who I'm not even sure if they have seen it. Nobody really angry or anything. I didn't use any words like "plural" or "headmate" or anything. I explained it all as the past me being packed away completely, including the things they cared about, but still feeling that little sadness about it. Nobody brought up plurality either. I'm okay with that, I don't know if it's good to just suggest that out of nowhere to someone. But the lack of any question about that, especially from people who I know actually do know about systems, made me think really hard about if anything I expereinced here was even a plural thing or if it was just a mind trick I did because I was struggling with long lasting traumas. And I understand how ridiculous that sounds. I'm aware. I'm just trying to get it down in words that can be understood, it evokes that feeling of knowing you're right but fearing you're mistaken.

I'm so sorry I'm really tired and I didn't realize how long this post would take to type. I just got out of an exhausting shift at work and am so low on my battery words are starting to feel a bit strange for no reason.

So to cut the rest, the point in making this post is outside validation that I either AM or that I AM NOT making shit up because I wanted to be plural 10 years ago, or that I fucked up my brain by trying to make tulpas, or that I just discovered being a system through making tulpas I guess, or like what.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY I am super upset and feel really bad and guilty and responsible for not being attached to anything from 2019's life, including their freinds and I have no idea why I have these "resets" and is that just a normal "living and growing as a person" thing or is that what splitting or whatever feels like or like... is that just me being an asshole?

Am I an asshole?

I feel so empty, no name, no freinds, no real personality except the emulation of an anime character... abandoned everyone I cared about for almost a whole year... its hard and requires a lot of effort to "be" the others, or even talk to them... I'm so tired.

[akiranzee]

in mge, there's a species of ogre known as Bogey. they are drawn to sadness and usually they comfort the person experience it. their embrace is soft and warm, and its known to actually help the person that needs it. (look em up its rather neat.) with this in mind... i was thinking giyuu could use comfort from reader, who is one that senses a LOT from him.

💙 • ° ` — “DEAR OLD FRIEND”

-> PAIRINGS: Giyuu x gn!Merchant!Y/n -> SUMMARY: Two people. One who seeks comfort, and one who gives comfort. -> WORD COUNT: 2.6k+ -> CONTAINS: angsty giyuu, sprinkle of fluff at the end, platonic rs, u’re js friends, bestfriends trope!!, sabito mentioned, comfort, & giyuu is 21 while reader is 20. -> A/N: honestly, i was shocked when i searched up mge bogeys.. it asked me to choose filter on or filter off😭😭.

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The wisp of air that passed along with leaves, the light of the sun that filled in the empty dark alleys, and the breeze of cold seawater in this early morning.

It were all something Giyuu liked.

It were all something that atleast gave him some reason to still live, to still continue with this living torture, to still continue breathing amidst all the crisis and losses he had dealt with. Even now, he is still fighting against the very loss he hated most, he is still battling the guilt that flowed through him every, single, second.

Giyuu decided to jump down from the tree, and reveal himself to the pure nature around him. It had relieved him and freed him from all the stress, constantly and continuously strolling around the open park in his free time.

Although, he was here many times, more so, every day, he had seen an unfamiliar face today.

One that wore a smiley, happy-go-lucky expression, one that wore a long-sleeved haori with a white shirt inside, and long baggy pants. Needless to say, they were a foreign sight to him, but they looked as if like they were long close with the townspeople.

But Giyuu realized, that they weren’t just a random stranger, they were behind a stand, perhaps the one selling things that looked exquisite and eye-catchy enough that had caught the townspeople’s attention.

When the crowd slowly died out, Giyuu decided to approach you and see what were the things you were selling, only to see that your stand was freshly cleaned.

Awkwardness, he slowly retreated back, not wanting to catch your attention or bother you. But in all unfortunates, you had heard him, even the faintest sound he could ever produce.

“Ah! Mister! Are you here to buy my products?” Cheerly, you asked the man who looked at you like he’s seen a ghost.

“...” Slowly, he nodded, but you only chuckled, “okay! Make sure you’ll be here tomorrow once the sun rises, before I run out of stocks again!” You waved him goodbye then, as you shouldered your heavy bag on your back, and walked away.

Before Giyuu could even talk, you were already out of his sight. But he was wondering why, why did he feel a rush of excitement or a rush of impatience for tomorrow to come. It was just the same after all, wasn’t it? He’d have missions to accomplish, have demons to kill, and have another day to live on whilst carrying so many burdens on his shoulders.

He walked away too, feeling the cold breeze hit his face, as he slowly closed his eyes, wanting to feel relief and relaxed amongst them. But then again, he felt like something was missing. Even the things he liked, the refreshing wind, the illuminating sunlight, and the sea breeze are all in front and around him, he still felt as if he was not complete, nor enough yet.

~~~~~

June 14, XXXX.

Once again, the refreshing winds, the illuminating sunlight, and the sea breeze is present, but he still felt the same, feeling that something was missing.

He looked around, looking at his surroundings, as people do their own whatevers, a group of elderly gossiping in the background, merchants calling customers to their stalls, couples relaxing, families enjoying, and... children running around.

Perhaps it was a mere coincidence that he had remembered something, something that gave him quite the déjà vu. But he was sure the two children running around were like him and Sabito.

The relaxing and relieving feeling he once felt has now faded, soon replaced by a pang of hurt and grief.

Sabito was more than a friend to him, he was like a brother, or a guardian angel to Giyuu. Yet, knowing that Sabito had risked his life just to save him... is just utterly bitter for him. He now has to live with that guilt, bringing it along with him even in his deathbed.

Times like this, Giyuu had always asked if he was worth saving. The answer he’d always reply? No. He does not think he is worth saving, nor worth all the risk. He does not even know where to lead his life anymore, even. All he knows is that he must continue living on for the sake of the sacrifice of his one and only bestfriend.

The soft and gentle whisper of the winds, the good morning of the beautiful, shining sun rays, and the dazzling breeze of the seawater seemed to not comfort him anymore. He wants to let it all out, those tears, emotions, feelings, that he has been keeping hidden since, he wants it all gone.

The guilt was continuously welling up within him, the agony and grief as he remembered the brave sacrifice of his best friend again and again.

But, for whatever surprise that was, someone tapped on his shoulder, that just so happens to be you.

“Mister? Oh! It's you!” Enthusiasm laced your voice, as you greeted him joyfully with a smile of yours brighter than that of the sun.

“...” Giyuu only stared at you as he saw you bringing loads and loads of sacks, perhaps the things you’re selling today.

Giyuu stepped aside as he let you go to your designated spot, yet, for some reason, he had the urge to follow you.

“What were you thinking of, mister? — If you don’t mind me asking, ehe.” Sheepishly, you chuckled and smiled, as you placed down the sacks you dragged all the way here.

“...Thoughts.” He replied nonchalantly, but his inner mind has been deep in thoughts. Of course he wouldn’t tell you about Sabito.

“Haha, of course they are thoughts! But what kind of thoughts?” Tilting your head a little as you continued setting your stand for the day.

“...What are you selling?” Obviously, he changed the topic. But you paid it no mind, and answered his question, “oh! I sell these potions, ancient and historical scrolls, and these rope-like ornaments to bring good luck to you demon slayers!” You had quite the variety to show, especially when all these were really foreign to him.

“Hmm... good luck, you say?” But amongst all those, one particular thing caught his eye, which was the rope-like ornament, specifically color white and blue.

“How much is this?” He had already kept the rope within his pockets, “that would be ¥274.24!” A change of coins happened, the clinking of it was a nice sound to your ears.

He stood there awkwardly, as he didn’t know what to say now.

“Mister... did you know those kids over there?” you pointed at the children that were running around, that made Giyuu remember of Sabito. Shaking his head no, you simply nodded, “well, let me tell you. They were actually three best of friends. But the other one died due to the incurable disease, cancer. When I saw the both of them sitting on the sides the other day, I asked them, and they told me what happened. I felt sad and pity for them, especially to the deceased child. But did you know what the other kid said? He said it was okay, because his friend was now in heaven. But of course, he couldn’t keep his tears from falling out, and ended up wetting my haori with snot. It just... never fails to amaze me how a child’s mind could think of something so positive like that, even in the midst of darkness. Hehe..” You giggled sheepishly, as you just noticed how Giyuu attentively listened, and that his quiet-nonchalant-chill-cool guy facade slowly broke little by little, as you saw his emotions right through his eyes.

Giyuu departed almost immediately, not even bidding you goodbye. But you understood well enough, that Giyuu was like that of a child, too.

He too, was like the child, keeping a facade to keep the sadness from flowing out, but they will always fail to hide their longing.

Least to say, Giyuu thought well about it. He sat on the sides, and tied the rope on the scabbard of his sword. He thought too, if Sabito was happy and well off in heaven, or if that truly exists, or if heaven was just a mere child’s imagination.

He was still well off in the grieving stage, even after all these years, he could never accept the loss he had suffered. He wished then, right at that moment, that he was still a child and never grew up, so that he could still be with Sabito, and so that he could never feel this way again.

~~~~~

Days passed, until Giyuu showed up again. It took him three days to complete the mission Oyakata-sama gave him, which was the complete reason why he couldn’t show up. But now that he’s here, and you’re here, things are back to normal.

“Hello. I’d like to purchase this.” Giyuu presented a mini, thin, book in front of you, one of your bestselling and expensive ones.

“Ah...! Mr. Tomioka, welcome back. Yes, let me just..” as an exchange of coins happened, Giyuu never failed to look at you, and none other. His eyes were placed on you as you counted the coins slowly and properly, as his eyes landed on one particular thing. The rope-like ornament that he bought a few days back; swinging by your hips. He looked at his, too, and realized that the colors of the ornaments matched. You, too, had white and blue as your color of the rope-like ornament.

You traced where his eyes landed, and chuckled; “would you like to buy again?” It took Giyuu aback, but he eagerly shook his head no. “Are they your favorite color?” Suddenly, he asked out of pure curiosity; “yes! they complement each other so well — and blue is the most mesmerizing color I have ever seen! — just like your eyes.” gently, you smiled at him that made his heart melt. No one after Sabito had ever smiled at him like that. And that made him all the more happy.

~~~~~

Days, weeks, months, and almost a year had passed as your friendship grew.

And you never fail to see how his eyes would darken, how he’d grow silent, and how he’ll try to change the topic whenever he sees children having fun, or if you talk about them.

It had made you sad about his well-being, yet, he had rejected almost all of your comforting offers, because both you and him know that the longing will not fade ‘till thousands of years to come by.

“Y/n! Y/n!” A child-like voice called out, as you saw Tomoko, one of the children that you and Giyuu both befriended, and the same child that reminded him of his bond with Sabito.

It took you aback, really. You’ve never seen Tomoko that excited and happy ever since his friend’s passing. Immediately, his arms wrapped around your hips, almost making you stumble back, “look! Look! I found Aruno’s diary!” The excitement was obvious in Tomoko’s eyes as he eagerly flipped the pages of his deceased friend’s diary.

Hastily, he pulled your hand and forced you to sit down by the gathers, as Giyuu followed along. “Y/n! Can you read this to me, please? I can’t really understand his handwriting..” He flipped a few pages forth, and tapped on the page that contained quite a lot for a diary.

June 18, 10XX I met two friends, Tomoko and Naroi! They were really kind, and I had a great time with them! We played the whole afternoon, and went home at night! My mom called me home though, so I was a little sad. That night, I really couldn’t sleep. It was the first time I had friends after a long time! I was really excited for the next day that I couldn’t wait! I ended up sneaking out and writing this diary, as I count how many stars there are in the sky. I managed to count just 78 — but I immediately lost track when I felt something behind me! But it was just my friend Patrick — our neighbor’s cat! It was soo fun playing with Patrick, but when he scratched me, I got scared and didn’t go near him. But now that he’s here, maybe I should forgive him, right? I love you too Patrick! Well then, going back, Patrick is now laying on my lap, I lost count of the stars, but whatever! There will still be tomorrow night and next times to count the stars!

October 23, 10XX It’s been a long time since I wrote here, hehe. Well, honestly, I got an illness called cancer. I didn’t know what it was, but when mom explained it to me, I was so scared. She told me not to tell Tomoko and Naroi, but I feel soo bad for hiding it from them. I mean, friends should know and share everything, right? We promised no secrets! But mom said that it was for the better and I believe her!

November 1, 10XX Today, just a while ago, I saw mom crying. I didn’t know why, but she explained it to dad, but I can’t hear her. She was mumbling this and that, but I cried too, I didn’t want my mom sad.

November 10, 10XX I’m scared and I can’t stop crying. Mom said we need to go somewhere, but this place doesn’t look fun at all... I see people laying down in beds, with bandages and blood. It’s scary, but my mom said it’d be alright after a few days...

November 30, 10XX Mom lied... it wasn’t just a few days, I’ve been here for weeks and I’ve turned bald, now. What about my friends? What if Tomoko and Naroi laugh at me? But mom said true friends will accept me for who I am! My hair also was slowly falling off, so they decided to cut it.. I’m really scared.. I don’t look like how I used to be..

December 12, 10XX I met my friends again, but Tomoko and Naroi weren’t all that excited.. are they mad at me? For not showing up many months? They look at me so scarily, like they feel sad for me.. but I don’t want that.. I’m strong, aren’t I? Mom said so..

December 18, 10XX My eyes are heavy, like I just wanna sleep forever.. I can’t really breathe right, I feel like there’s a booger stuck in my nose, a huge one.. I think I’m growing weak, I just wanna rest forever, lay in bed even if this is not as comfy as the one at home.. I hate seeing my mom cry.. and I miss Tomoko and Naroi..

“...waah..” Tomoko’s eyes spilled his tears, as his sobs were getting louder and louder.

“...waaaaaaahh!! I-I hic- I didn‘t know Aruno- wah- had to go through all- hic- t-that...!!” Tomoko tried to wipe his tears, but only served useless as it only multiplied. After all, what could be more heartbreakening if not for a child whom only wished for a simple life?

“T-Tomoko...!” Tomoko ran away, perhaps trying to hide the tears uselessly, trying to save his tough facade. But, it was already broken from the moment those words were written in that diary. And same went to the man beside you, his tough facade too, slowly fading away.

“G-Giyuu.. a-are you crying?” You asked nervously, you never planned any of this to happen.

“I wonder... if Sabito thought the same.” He didn’t even try to hide his tears, he let it all flow out, as he knew; trying to hide his tears would never take away his pain and guilt. He only stared at the now dark sky, looking up at the moon that served as the light in the dark night.

“This Sabito... was he... like Aruno?” You knew you had this coming, but you didn’t expect Giyuu would break over a child’s diary, despite him keeping up the good work of hiding his feelings away.

“No. He killed himself for me. I should’ve... been the one in his place right now, if I wasn’t so cowardly.” This time, he looked down, as he relived that day, the day that he lost his one and only bestfriend.

“Wha-! D-Don’t say that, Giyuu-kun! I’m sure he did that for the better!”

“Yet he died for the worst.”

“Did he... sacrifice himself?”

“He wanted to protect all of us, and charged on straight to the demons. I wanted to fight by his side, but it was too late. And I could... only watch.” He chuckled at the last sentence, remembering his petty choices and past patheticness.

“I’m sure he did that with no regrets, Giyuu.. I’m sure that was what he wanted, to keep all of you safe and sound.”

“Yet it was in an exchange for his life!”

“Death is inevitable!”

“He was only thirteen!” You gasped. You never thought children would be fighting demons so early. So it was... what? Few? Many? Years ago and yet he still has kept it within him?

“But... he sacrificed himself for all of you, Giyuu.. you can’t keep blaming yourself, it was his choice..”

“He had no choice! He was the only one who could fight amongst all of us! Stronger than I am!”

“Exactly! And that’s why he protected the weak!”

“Yet even the weakest can do something! I could’ve been the one to charge on straight to the demon, but no — it was him instead!” His sobs were getting out of control, as he looked at you with eyes just like Tomoko’s.

“But you couldn’t fight! If you truly wanted to switch places, then you wouldn’t be here now, you wouldn’t be-”

“Then I wish I died instead of him!” Silence filled the air as your bicker had stopped. You scooched closer to him, and pat his back, slowly.

“He did that for you to live a better life, Giyuu.. even if you hate him with all your life for doing that, it wouldn’t change the fact that he wanted nothing more but for you to succeed.”

“You can’t make me think otherwise, Y/n.” This was a version of Giyuu that you hadn’t known until today. It was as if he was not the Giyuu you once knew, it’s as if he turned into one that is so resentful, and angry.

“...So what? Are you just gonna let his sacrifice go to waste, as if it was nothing, knowing that the main purpose of it all was because he wanted you to live on to this day!? Is it so wrong for you to atleast give credit to yourself? Correct me if I’m wrong — but I know for a fact that he wanted you to live on to this day — every single day, so that you could help those in need, protect those who’re weak, and continue on his last, and final wish!”

“...” Giyuu only said nothing, nor does he even have anything to retort back. You were right, but it doesn’t make his guilt fade. It didn’t help at all, that he was only a mere bystander on Sabito’s fight, not his bestfriend.

“Sabito... would really like for you to continue on living, despite the hardships and adversities you’ve gone through... after all, wasn’t he the sole inspiration you had all this time? To reach the highest, and kill all those demons.. but you don’t have to live your life repeating those things...! There are so many wonders and beauty of this world that you have yet to discover... as a merchant, I’ve travelled from different villages, cities, districts, until I’ve reached here...! Please, don’t let Sabito’s sacrifice go in vain. I’m sure he had no second thoughts, nor regrets — because he only wanted you to live your life and experience every single thing! The guilt may not wash away — but I’m sure, once you see my point, you wouldn’t have to live with that anymore because Sabito doesn’t even blame you. He did that, and he knew his choice — because he wanted you to reach this day, and tomorrow.” A string in his heart had been pulled, he felt like he was suffocated as your hands hovered over his. “So please... don’t give up... atleast for me...”

He really didn’t know what Sabito wanted back at that moment. But if Sabito really has any regrets, then why didn’t he look back in hesitation, right before he charged on to the demon?

“Giyuu-kun, tomorrow, let’s meet here again, and let’s go to a different place, so that by the day our time has come, we will leave no regrets.”

★ • ° ` — BONUS:

The days has passed, and Giyuu had left the Demon Slayer Corps. Truth be told, he really didn’t want to leave, as half of his life and memories had been imprinted there, but he wanted to find the meaning of his life, just as you told him.

“Giyuu-kun! Over there! I see a starfish!” You pointed across the shore and ran over to the starfish, and decide to poke it. A giggle left your mouth as Giyuu picked it up and put it on top of your head.

“Oh you think you‘re so funny, huh!?” Immediately, you splashed seawater at him, and his laughter echoed the whole beach.

It was the first time he had let out a hearty laugh, and definitely not the last, because you’re there, his new bestfriend.

a/n: im ok w JUST being his bsf guys, i swear

[the-midnightpoet]

Soft guy

Summary: Aleksander got a little carried away in the bed, but his soft side makes up for it.

Warnings: mention of blood, very rough sex, he hurts you, aftercare, Soft!Aleks, fluff, a bit of angst, lmk if I missed one

A/N: if you're not comfortable with this kind of content please DO NOT read it! Also it's a bit short, I'm sorry

Minors do not read it. 18+ only

You and your husband; Aleks were having some sexy time. He was so rough with you tonight, rougher than usual. You tried to tell him that he was hurting you, he seem to ignore your pleas.

You tried to push him off you, he pinned your hands above your head with his free hand. When he saw that you were fighting him it seemed to make him want to be even rougher. You were afraid of what he might try to do if you kept going.

You cried out, still fighting with him. You tried to remember your safe word so he might stop.

"S-sh...shadow" you yelled out. He suddenly stopped, letting go of you and backing off as you said the safe word.

"Shadow" he looked at you worriedly, his face showing genuine concern and a bit of guilt now.

"Hey, I'm sorry" he said, coming closer to you. He tried to give you a hug. But when he moved to hug you, you flinched away, shaking, covering your body. He backed away from you, his face immediately showing guilt.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" he said, "I won't touch you again" he sat down in his chair and put his head in his hands. "I'm so sorry," he said again. He looked like he wanted to cry.

You looked down at the sheets and you saw a puddle of blood. You were bleeding...From down there.

Your eyes grew wide and you tried to stand up but the pain was unbearable.

"Oh my god," the general said when he saw your reaction. "Are you hurt!? Let me come closer to look at you"

He tried to come towards you again, you couldn't tell if he was genuinely concerned about you or if he just wanted to see what he had done to you.

"Please let me help you" he said, trying to sound as sincere as possible. He seemed to care, but you knew he was also worried about what the consequences of his actions might be.

"I...why...why did you?" you tried to choke out. Your husband was always loving and caring, you didn't understand what has gotten into him.

"I don't know" he said honestly, "I just got carried away, I'm sorry. Please let me help you. I promise I'll make it up to you" he seemed genuinely regretful and remorseful, which surprised you a lot. He had always been caring and kind, this was the first time he had ever treated you this way.

You looked at the blood stained sheets and your mind started to race. "I think I'm bleeding" you said softly.

"I know you're bleeding" he said sternly. "I'm not blind. You're bleeding because I..." he trailed off, still trying to make sense of how his actions hurt you.

"Just tell me what I can do to help," he said softly, "I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry"

You could hear his voice break as he spoke to you. You couldn't believe what had happened, but the evidence was in front of both of you.

"Baby..." you voice softened at tried to reach out for his hands. He took your hand, holding it softly.

"Are you sure you want me to touch you?" he asked tentatively, "I'll do whatever you need" he looked down at your bloody sheets, his face showing genuine concern and sadness for you, which you hadn't ever seen before. He wanted to help you and make you feel better.

"It's okay Aleks. I forgive you. Just...please can you bring me a menstrual pad and some panties?" you whispered, gently stroking his cheek.

"Yes of course," he said, his voice still soft. He stood up and went out of the room to do as you asked. He returned with a clean pair of panties and a package of menstrual pads.

"Here you go," he said, handing you the items gently. "Is there anything else I can do for you?" he looked at you and brushed his fingers through your hair, trying to show that he cared. He wanted you to know that he felt sorry for hurting you.

"Can we...cuddle?" you suggested. You wanted him to know you still wanted him and his touch. He took a moment to think about your request, and then stepped closer to you.

"Yes, yes of course," he said softly and took you in his arms. He kissed you gently on the forehead, trying to show how much he loved you. Aleksander held you tightly and didn't seem to want to let go of you for anything in the world. He wanted to make you feel safe and protected.

"I'm sorry I flinched away. Just...you scared me" you mumbled softly. You hugged him close, kissing his neck.

"Shhh," he said as he hugged you. "It's okay, you don't have anything to be sorry for" he held you close, kissing the top of your head.

"I should be the one apologizing. I'm so sorry for hurting you, I never meant to. I'll be more careful next time"

You could tell he meant every word, he was genuinely sorry for hurting you. You realized that this incident had actually affected him as well.

"It's okay...Just please be careful. It really did hurt me" you whispered.

"But you know I love you, right?" you smiled at your husband.

"I love you too" he smiled softly. "I would never hurt you on purpose. It's just that...I got carried away this time. I'll be more careful next time, I promise"

He continued to hold you in his arms and kissed the top of your head again. "I'm worried about you" he said. "Are you sure you okay after what happened?"

"Yeahh just sore. I don't think I could walk" you chuckled softly.

"No, you definitely shouldn't try to walk right now" he said as he held you close to his chest. "Let me take care of you, I'm sorry I hurt you"

As the pain from the incident started to subside, it was replaced by the comfortable feeling of his arms around you. You could feel safe and protected with him, even after what had just happened.

"Hmm I love the soft Aleksander you are now. I fell in love with him" you murmured, closing your eyes.

"Well, I am a soft guy when I want to be," he said with a warm smile. He brushed your hair back and caressed your face as you sat with your eyes closed.

"Can I kiss you?" he asked quietly. You could hear the concern in his voice, he didn't want to do anything that would hurt you. But he also wanted to show how much he loved you.

"Of course my dear husband" you smiled up at him. You felt tiny compare to him even when laying down. Aleksander gently leaned in and kissed you on the lips, a soft and tender kiss that showed how much he still loved you. He held you close in his arms and ran his fingers through your hair, as if to say that everything was okay now.

This was the Aleks you knew and loved, not the man who hurt you before.

[joels-shitty-puns]

The Key To Your Heart - Track 8

Pairing: Pedro Pascal x Musician!Reader

Series Summary: After writing your feelings for Pedro into a song, it gains a lot more popularity than expected. Ultimately it brings both criticism and support, with new possibilities around the corner.

Series Warnings: 18+ only (MDNI). Alluding to sexual scenarios. Kissing. Fat shaming, name calling. Mentions of food, weight loss, weight gain, dieting, weighing, potential eating disorder, food guilt. Potential for puns/dad jokes (name of my blog, and the fic) should give that away. This is my first fic which should be its own warning, lol. Also some cursing. Mentions of masturbation (f) maybe more smut later idk. Sadness, reader is pretty depressed. Poor body image. Rude people. Bullying-ish and just lack of support? Anxiety. Age gap! Reader is in her mid 20's, Pedro is current age (48).

Other stuff: Reader is plus sized. AFAB. Inexperienced. Also has a dog, but you can pretend it is another creature probably. Further, in case it isn't clear, italics almost always are the reader's inner thoughts!

Word Count: 2.8k

Series List: Here!

Miss Chapter 7? Here!

Hi all! I know this one took a lot longer than previous. I was on vacation and then went straight into my work week. I almost thought about ending it after the last chapter but I realized there's still some loose ends! Also I gotta say I'm really overthinking the voicing for Pedro, but I hope you all enjoy it nonetheless. This chapter entirely got away from me and wasn't the plot I anticipated, haha. Once again, thank you all for reading. I love all the comments, messages, and asks I get about my story and it honestly blows me away. Please continue to like, reblog, and let me know what you think! Love to you all!

Also I made dividers! Weeehooo

The rest of the evening was filled with kisses, cuddles, and sweet nothings whispered to each other through smiles. It was just a quarter after midnight when Pedro finally pulled his lips away from yours and looked at the clock. Turning to set his forehead on yours once again, he quietly spoke.

"I should probably get home, Princesa," he punctuated with another kiss.

You let out a whine, but knew you weren't ready for it to move much further than this too quickly. "What time is it?" You kissed him.

"It's already after midnight." He kissed.

"Hmm," you hummed with another press of your lips to his. "And I never even turned into a pumpkin." Kiss.

"I don't think that's how the story went, mi amor," he ran his hand over your hair, kissing your lips, your cheek, below your ear, and finally your neck.

"Mmmm," you sighed, tilting your head to give him better access. "I can't really think clear enough about how that story went right now." You ran your fingers through his curls.

He kissed down your neck again a few times before gently nibbling your earlobe. Your breath caught in your chest.

"We should really slow this down and call it a night," he whispered directly into your ear. You felt his nose brush your hair and his warm breath on the side of your face. 

You sighed with a pout of your lips. You knew he was right. It was too soon into the relationship - or whatever this is - to go any further. But damn, would you be lying if you said you didn't want it.

"I know, baby. I know." He sighed in response, caressing your cheek with his thumb.

He pulled back, rubbing the back of his neck nervously, and adjusting in his seat, pulling his sweater down further over his waist. You tried to ignore it, but you couldn't help letting your eyes drift down a little lower towards the area he was trying to cover. He placed his hands in his lap, clearing his throat. You looked back up at his face, noticing his cheeks turning a pink hue.

Guess I'm not the only one feeling a little excited here, you thought with a smirk at the idea of you making him react this way. You rubbed your thumb across his reddened cheek. "Don't worry, baby. Me too," you sighed, feeling a little antsy and frustrated yourself. His eyebrows raised, mouth pulling into a mischievous sideways smirk. 

The two of you let out a nervously happy laugh. "Maybe… I could take you on a real date soon? If you would like that?" Pedro asked, looking at you once again with those big brown eyes. "I would love that, Pedro. More than anything." You pecked his lips once more, running your hand over his bicep.

He kissed you back before pulling away with a small laugh. "Okay, I gotta go, baby. I'm enjoying this a little too much, and we should probably cool it down." He gave another nervous laugh.

"Sorry," you giggled. "You're kind of addicting, and you don't know how long I've waited for this. Kissing. Mutual feelings. Romance…" you trailed off with a grin.

"Love?" He asked, holding your cheek and giving a soft smile.

"Yes. That too." You closed your eyes, leaning into his cheek. "But that still sounds so wild to me.  I'm scared to say it to you in case you'll change your mind, or realize you don't feel the same, or that it's too soon for… that word, or…" you rambled quietly, your insecurities creating a wall you know all too well.

"That just isn't true, sweetheart. I know it's soon, and we technically just met, but we've been talking for several months now. We've talked nearly every day. I started to realize I might love you a while ago, but seeing you for the first time over video really made me know for sure. Getting to meet you in person somehow even made me fall harder," he held your hand in his.

"After just one meeting? I mean, it's just… people that have known me for years haven't felt that way, and someone like you? Someone famous and beautiful and so much more experienced and mature than me… I just.. I don't want to push you away, but I can't help but worry that you'll change your mind or it isn't real and it's all just going to… vanish," you looked down at your connected hands, closing your eyes to swallow your emotions.

"Hey.. don't do that. Don't put yourself down or build those walls. I fell in love with your music and your voice the first time I heard it. Getting to know you through text and finally talking to you on the phone, getting to learn all your quirks and your sense of humor, your personality. You. I don't know how anyone could not fall in love with you, and I was scared to let it happen. I told myself not to get wrapped up in relationships. That it would just cause more heartache that I couldn't go through again. But somehow you lured me in like a siren and I couldn't ignore it. I heard your song and wanted to know you. I talked to you and needed more. I don't care that you weren't famous before, and that you don't have a lot of experience with relationships. And any other insecurities you have can just go away, because they aren't true. You are beautiful. You're funny, smart, sweet, and you have the most beautiful voice and heart of anyone I know. I knew you were beautiful before I saw you, and I fell so hard when I finally saw you for the first time."

"Pedro…" you blinked at him.

"The constant thought that you already loved someone, and it, to my knowledge, wasn't me, hurt every day I talked to you. But I couldn't stay away. I just kept wanting to be closer. I want to be with you. If anything, I wonder why you would want to be with someone so much older than you. Someone who can't love you the way you deserve, without paparazzi and fans and spotlights. I hope you won't change your mind. Because despite my best efforts to avoid relationships, I fell in love."

You had tears in your eyes as you looked up from your lap to meet his eyes. "I love you Pedro."

"I love you too." He kissed your lips once again, and as he pulled away, he said your name in a whisper. "Believe me, having to stop kissing you is just as difficult for me too. Maybe tomorrow I can take you on that date?" He asked, standing up with your hand in his.

"I'd love to go on a date with you," you smiled at the ground, cheeks heating. 

"Great! I'll talk to you tomorrow," he kissed your cheek before kneeling down to give Skipper a gentle rub and receiving several wet doggy kisses. The two of you laughed as Pedro stood, wiping his face on his sweater. "What can I say, I like kisses from everyone in this household." He winked.

"Okay cheeseball, get outta here," you gently shoved him before giving a final kiss and waving goodbye to him.

The next day, you were sleeping in, feeling relaxed and happy, like you finally could rest easy. It was around 11 AM when your phone rang, waking you up from your deep, peaceful slumber. Blinking your eyes open to see the morning sun beaming through the window, you stretched and grabbed your phone, looking at the clock as you did so. It was Pedro calling.

Cheerily, you answered the phone, though your voice betrayed you, still sounding groggy and cracked having just awoken. "Morning Pedro!"

"Baby… were you crying?" He asked, sounding concerned.

"What? No? I just woke up. Why would I be crying after having such a nice night with you?" You giggled.

He didn't laugh. In fact, he was a bit quiet. Unusual for the bubbly personality he usually was. "Pedro?" You asked after a beat of silence, suddenly feeling nervous.

He sighed and said your name in a tone that sent a chill down your spine. "I think you should check your phone. It's… something's happened. You should see it yourself. I just… I'm so sorry. I hope you'll forgive me."

Your blood ran cold. What is he talking about?

"Pedro, I don't under-" he interrupted you. "Please. I'm sorry. Just, you should read through everything and think things through. I hope you'll still want to call me back and talk. Goodbye. I love you." He hung up the phone.

With shaky hands, you looked at your phone. 45 missed text messages, 10 of which were from Pedro. 200 notifications on your personal Instagram. 20 emails. 

What the hell?

You first opened Pedro's texts.

"Baby. I'm so sorry. I should've never dragged you into all this, I'm so sorry."

"I'm sure you've seen by now, I'm so sorry."

"Please forgive me."

"I know you probably want your space, but I hope you're okay. I love you."

"Baby?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm getting worried"

"Can we talk?"

"I hope you're just asleep or something."

"I never meant for this to happen."

What. The hell. Happened?

The other messages were from family and friends, all seeming to be freaking out about something. Still confused, you finally came across your answer.

News articles flooded your page. 

"Pedro Pascal Seen Leaving Party with Mystery Woman"

"Pedro Pascal Enjoys Halloween Party with Date"

"Pedro Pascal: New Girlfriend??"

"Pedro Pascal: Matching Costumes with Unknown Girl"

Oh shit.

Photo, after photo, after photo. You kept reading.

"Mystery Girl's Co-Worker Speaks Out!"

"Unknown Woman Is Pedro Super Fan"

"Pedro Pascal Dating Obsessed Fan?"

"Pedro Pascal Being Stalked By Woman"

Okay this is getting absurd. 

You clicked on the coworker article. Sure enough, your coworker, one you always thought was rude, had thrown you under the bus. Your name was out there now, thanks to her. "She and I go way back. We're practically besties. And yeah, she's totally in love with Pedro Pascal. Obsessed even."

That. Bitch, you thought angrily.

It was time to call your agent, Rose. You already had several missed calls from her, and she knew all about Pedro and your crush. She had become your confidante. You dialed her number and she quickly answered on the first ring.

"Rose! What should I do? There's pictures of me everywhere. My name is out there. My coworker commented on it. I haven't left my bedroom yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if they've found out where I live. I'm so scared. I don't know how to deal with this kind of thing."

You were on the verge of tears.

"First of all sweetheart," she calmly answered in her southern twang, "take a deep breath." You did what she said, though it hardly seemed to help.

"Second of all, I've been working on some fixin' since it all caught wind this mornin'. Things are startin' to calm down. Nobody seems to know that you're that singer, either. They just think you're some girl who managed to meet Pedro. But, I will say I think this may be the push you need. It might be time to tell the world, sugar. How you choose to do that is up to you, but don't you worry, I'll put out the fires."

You took a deep breath and sighed. "I think you're right. It was only a matter of time."

"Have you talked to Pedro yet?"

Shit. Pedro.

"Sort of. He called and woke me up. He apologized and basically hung up, telling me to call when I read everything. But I had a bunch of texts from him. He kept apologizing."

Rose clicked her tongue. "That poor sweet man. None of this was his fault. You know that too, right, darlin'? This is just what happens in show business. It ain't fair, but it also isn't his fault."

"I know that, Rose. He didn't do anything wrong. I got so caught up in all the headlines that I immediately called you and forgot to call him back. I bet he feels awful. I should get back to him. I hope he's okay, too. He only seemed concerned for me, but most of those headlines were actually about him and his dating life. I can't believe I put him through that." You suddenly realized what he may also be feeling after his confessions last night about avoiding relationships, and the inability to give you privacy from paparazzi.

Rose sighed. "Now if you don't call that sweet man, I will! You two lovebirds are perfect for each other. Apologizin' and feelin' awful for one another when neither of ya did anything wrong. Go get 'im. And hang in there, love. It'll all work out, trust me."

Your cheeks heated at her words about you and Pedro. "Thanks Rose. You always know what to say."

You two hung up and immediately you called Pedro.

"Pedro… I'm so sorry."

"Hon- wait what? Why are you sorry??"

"Those headlines were about you too, and your dating life and history. I hate that you were dragged into all this drama."

"Honey, no, please don't worry about me. Are you okay?? I know this is new for you and some of those articles were pretty mean. And that coworker of yours!? Clearly not a friend. How are you feeling?"

You took a deep breath. "Honestly, P, I'm so stressed. But I talked to my agent and she really talked me down. She said she's been playing crisis management all morning and it's dying down. But she does think it's time I tell the world who I am."

"Oh… babe. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I was so selfish, I just wanted to see you and I didn't think about the consequences. I should have known this would happen."

"Pedro, please don't feel bad. None of this is your fault. She's right, it's time. I couldn't keep it a secret forever. And the party was not a great experience, but honestly, last night was one of the best nights of my life."

"So.. you still want to be with me?" He asked, cautiously.

"What? Yes, what kind of question is that? I love you, Pedro. Of course I want to be with you. Did you change your mind?"

"No!" He answered quickly. "I want to be with you."

"Good!" You smiled for the first time since seeing all the turmoil today. "I guess I better figure out my plans for the big reveal. I have some ideas, but…" you trailed off, pausing a few seconds.

"What is it, baby?"

"I don't want to make you feel like you have to if you don't want to, but… would you come over? I think I'll go on Instagram live, and I don't want to be alone. You don't have to be in the shot, I just want your presence there. You make me happy. Just you, me, and Skipper together today."

"Of course. Anything. I'll be there."

"Thank you, P. Give me an hour?"

"Perfect. I'll see you then. I'll bring you breakfast."

"Thank you, Pedro. You're really too good to me."

"No such thing, mi amor. You deserve it."

The conversation ended, and you showered, thinking through your words for the internet. Picking out the perfect outfit and place in your house for the big reveal, it wasn't long before the hour was up and Pedro was knocking on your door with breakfast and drinks in hand.

"Yum! Thank you, Pedro." You helped him carry, and then kissed him deeply, pouring all your love into the kiss, letting all your stresses of the day fade into pure love. He kissed you back, pulling you in closer by your lower back. "I wasn't sure if you were too stressed to eat, so I got things that would be okay to reheat, or leave out until you felt up to it."

"You're the best, you know that?" You rubbed his cheek.

"Mmmm, that's yet to be revealed, mi amor" he raised an eyebrow and winked, pulling you in for another kiss. You giggled, feeling bubbles of nerves and butterflies in your stomach at his implications. But now was not the time for those thoughts. You had more pressing matters.

Pedro noticed your stress shift. "You ready?" He asked while squeezing your arm. "I'm about as ready as I'm gonna be, I guess," you shrugged. "Let's do this." You stated, him answering with a curt nod.

The two of you made way to your music room, setting up your tablet in the right place near your desk. He sat in a chair just on the other side of you, outside of view, but close enough to make you feel more at ease. He was even close enough to hold your hand under the desk if you needed. Meanwhile, Skipper sat under the table near your feet, willing to keep you company when he could tell you were unhappy.

"Here we go," you breathed. You clicked the button to go live, and the stream began.

Want more? Track 9: Here!

Thank you for reading! Stay tuned for more!

Taglist: (Want in? Let me know!)

@pedrotonin @starcrossed02 @lightupsketchersperson @cartoon-garbage04 @tyferbebe @maryfanson @gwendibley84 @faithfullyyours2000 @brilliantopposite187 @hc-geralt-23 @jenniferpendragon @winchestergypsy90 @red-red-rogue @theendwhereibegin @lottieellz101 @oliversaurus @kyga01 @milly-louise @titabel @taz-97 @stefanibear003 @marantha @fandomoniumflurry @ilovemybrown-eyedbabygirl @leiadjarin

[they-call-me-emmy]

Memories - Tara Carpenter

I'm using da lyrics from 'Memories' by my angelic sweet angel face Conan Gray. I worship him. Thank you.

i dont even know how to classifiy this or whatever but lie eyhahh

yey.

It's been a couple months That's just about enough time For me to stop crying when I look at all the pictures

The Polaroids on your bed sheet. The small, scribbled dates in blue sharpie on the back. The way you genuinely looked happy in the photo. The way your own face looked back at you. The way her face looked back at you. It's been months. Get over it. That's what your friends tell you. What your family tells you. What you tell yourself.

Now I kinda smile, I haven't felt that in a while It's late, I hear the door Bell ringing and it's pouring

Tears well up in your eyes, blurring your vision and causing the lights to disable it completely. You needed to put these pictures down. Throw them away, lock them up, anything. Anything to make you stop looking. The sad, sarcastic laugh escapes your throat and you feel weird the moment it comes out.

You jump as the doorbell rings. You don't know who it could be. Its raining outside, you can hardly see the streetlamps. Your wearing the same baggy, stained shirt you'd been wearing for the previous week and a half. It might have been hers, you honestly can't remember.

You stumble to the door, opening it and feeling your eyes widen.

I open up that door, see your brown eyes at the entrance You just wanna talk and I can't turn away a wet dog

"Tara." You say, a slight twinge of coldness to your tone, although you were too shocked and hurt to muster up enough to shoot at her.

"Y/n." She said softly, the same tone as yours but the coldness replaced with what normally you would label as guilt. But Tara doesn't feel guilty....does she?

"Can I..." You clear your throat, willing yourself not to shout or cry or blame her for everything. It takes a lot of strength to not shut the door in her face, but you've always had a soft spot for her. "Can I help you?"

"I just...I just want to talk." She stares at her feet.

"Oh."

"Okay."

But please don't ruin this for me Please don't make it harder than it already is I'm trying to get over this

You can't have this girl ruining everything. Barging back in, to 'talk'. But you knew. You knew how much you wanted her back. But you're working for it. Working on getting over it. You're trying, you really are, but fuck. It might not be working. She's making this harder by coming here, bugging you. If she'd let you be, you'd forget about her, at some point.

Right?

I wish that you would stay in my memories But you show up today, just to ruin things I wanna put you in the past 'cause I'm traumatized

You wanted to forget. Have it all gone. Burn those fucking photos. But she's here, and she's real, and she's talking about how sorry she is, how her life is a mess and she needs a place to stay. And you can't do it now, you couldn't do it before and certainly not when she's crying in your living room. But you needed to get over her. You were scared.

But you're not letting me do that, 'cause tonight You're all drunk in my kitchen, curled in the fetal position Too busy playing the victim to be listening to me when I say

She's been drinking. The daze in her eyes and her wobbly movements and speech would show that to anyone. She's crying, telling you she left you for your own sake, that she didn't mean it and she was just having a hard time with life.

But now you were having a hard time. Because of her. And here she was, drunkenly crying to you. And here you were, letting her back in, for what? What're you getting out of this?

But you just can't turn her away.

"I wish that you would stay in my memories" In my memories, stay in my memories

"Tara, it's not right. You should leave. You're in my past. Go."

"G-God, please Y/n...d-don't k-kick me out-t." She sniffled, and her big brown eyes filled with more tears and suddenly you felt guilty, like kicking a bird from it's nest. But this wasn't her place. She didn't live here, you weren't with her. She had no right to stay.

But for some crazy reason you'd definitely regret in a day, you let her stay.

Now I can't say goodbye if you stay here the whole night You see, it's hard to find an end to something that you keep beginning Over and over again

"Can I stay over?" She asked you softly, her eyes wide and you couldn't say no.

Why can't you ever say no?

You knew that you'd never leave her behind if she kept coming back, forcing her way back into your heart. You knew you'd never get over her when she's laying on you couch like she used to, eyes closed and a sweet, innocent aura surrounding her sleeping figure.

I promise that the ending always stays the same So there's no good reason in make believing that we could ever exist again

You weren't ever going to go back to the way it was. She needs to stop trying. There's nothing in your favor. In your relationships favor. There's nothing that makes you two an important couple. You were just two people. You couldn't be with her anymore. That ship had sailed, and relationships never last through the second round.

I can't be your friend, can't be your lover Can't be the reason we hold back each other from falling in love With somebody other than me

You couldn't be her friend, it's too much to bear. The knowledge that you'd been with her, felt her, held her and loved her was too much. And she knew that. You couldn't be her girlfriend again. That hadn't worked out the first round, why would you suffer to try to survive the second? But she can't feel a connection, no, because then, she'd be stuck pity filled and guilty, and she too, just like you, would never move on and never find love. But it can't be with you, and it will never be because god fucking dammit that didn't work out and you ruined your chance. She ruined your chance.

She ruined this for you, and there was no going back. There was no fixing what had been broken.

And for that, she deeply regretted.

I clearly cannot write sad stuff

please comment because those are my favorites <3

[keepingeahalive]

Milton Grimm should have been the Big Bad

This man. Is it obvious that I hate this man? 

Look at him with that punchable face and that annoying little mustache. I just wanna rip those two sad little whiskers right off his smug, pudgy face. 

This man should have been the main villain. The final boss. The endgame for the characters of Ever After High. But he wasn’t. He just fell into the background after Thronecoming. Sure, we got some Evil Queen action. But what was his reaction to the destruction of the Storybook of Legends, the symbol of tradition within their society?! He must have been p*ssed!! 

But we never get to see it. 

Milton Grimm is and should have been the main villain. Here’s why.

1. Crybaby Backstory.

Let’s face it. This attempt at a tragic backstory was underwhelming. To recap, Milton and his little brother Giles were best friends and shared opposite views than they did when they were adults. Because of this, Milton dragged Giles into a cave said to be inhabited by trolls because he was convinced it was only a story. Surprise, surprise: trolls are real (I mean, doi, kid! You live in a fairytale world. What did you expect?!) and Milton runs out of the cave, leaving baby Giles behind. Milton runs back to his father to get Giles back and Giles returns home, safe and sound. And out of guilt, Milton promises never to go against the stories again. Yay, happy ending.

But, it’s not.

I’m sorry, but I don’t think this backstory is enough justification for forcing an entire society to follow their parents’ (often terrible) stories. Yes, Milton was a child at the time, and he thought he had accidentally killed his younger brother. I can see how that experience would be traumatic for anyone. But, we know Giles is fine now and is actually more well-put together than his older brother. I think it would have been better if we say Giles’s POV from that day, actually have him meet the troll, have some tea with him or whatever, and have him hear the real story of the troll’s life. Giles could sympathize with the troll and learn not all stories should be followed. 

What I can gather from this backstory is that it led Milton to develop crazy control issues. He and Giles built an entire school to indoctrinate several generations of fairytales. To ensure no one would go against what he saw as dangerous, he lied and basically threatened everyone “not existing” if they didn’t do what he said. Giles saw right through this BS, and when he confronted his brother about it, Milton cursed him to speak near-gibberish and locked him up underneath the school. This goes far beyond a Well-Intentioned Extremist.

2. Giles. 

This man is a cinnamon roll and must be protected. Thank you. 

Unlike Milton, Giles is warm, friendly, and open-minded to the stories the Brothers Grimm have collected over the centuries. He’s the former librarian, he has made personal connections with his students, and he sees them as people rather than characters. He is a clear foil to Raven, having gone against the status quo to make something better only to be quashed and locked away for it. 

Yes, he did trick Raven, Maddie, and their friends into breaking his curse. (I’m pretty sure manipulation runs in the family). But, he deserves a win for what Milton put him through. And speaking plain English would have helped him and the girls more than having Maddie constantly translate for him (and in a language that is purposefully open to interpretation).

When Giles finally confronts Milton for what he did, I’m honestly disappointed. No, I don’t think Giles would have punched him in the face or anything. That’s too out of character for him. I was hoping Giles wouldn’t have forgiven him, or at the very least say something to the effect of “I forgive you, but that doesn’t mean I trust you.” Brother or not, I just can’t see anyone forgiving someone that quickly for what is basically impairment and imprisonment. 

3. The Apple Debate

If Giles is a foil to Raven, then Milton is a foil to Apple. 

Apple saw Milton and destiny as gospel. She was brought up, groomed, and traumatized into following destiny to a tee. Like Milton, she experienced a childhood trauma that made her believe destiny was the only way to stay safe. She has little to no regard for what others have to go through to follow her destiny. Her reasons seem petty and childish, but they make sense to her. 

This is no fault of her own. She’s intentionally portrayed as naive, entitled, and selfish because she grew up in the most privileged of settings. She has the best destiny out of anyone, and growing up to be a beloved queen of the entire world sounds like a pretty sweet gig. She also holds genuine, if misguided, care for her friends and terrified for them if they don’t follow their stories (in a “I’m trying to save your soul from damnation” type of way). 

She is also the daughter of one of the most influential political figures in the world, so she has to set an example. She puts so much pressure on herself to be perfect that she walks around blind. She needs glasses, but she can’t bring herself to show any sort of flaw about herself lest she lets everyone down.

Lastly, Apple is a child. She has room to grow and change like everyone else in their teenage years. Like Raven, she has time to figure herself out and could benefit from some self-reflection. 

That being said, Milton is an adult. And he has been an adult for at least 200 years. He’s had time to look over his actions and think “Hmm, maybe what I’m doing is borderline dictatorial.” Yet he never wavers from his position. He has never admitted that he was wrong about anything or apologized for anything he’s done in regard to his students’ lives. Meanwhile, Apple has gone through some genuine growth as a character and as a person, because she loves her friends. It would have been interesting to see what Milton would think about his star, his favorite, his most devoted follower, suddenly turning on him. 

4. The Redemption “Arc”

It felt more like a redemption splat than an arc. In my opinion, Milton didn’t deserve to be redeemed. At the very least, not this quickly. He would have made a fantastic antagonist to Raven. It would have been so exciting and frustrating to watch him tighten the reins even more on his students until they ended up all turning on him. It would have been a great commentary on authority, freedom, and societal views on individuality. But instead, we get brotherly moments in the background with him and Giles. I’ll admit, it’s kind of cute. But, this show’s conflict was created by Milton Grimm, and the show just left that plot point hanging. 

Milton should have stuck to his guns for much longer, have him be the stubborn old man who will not budge on his beliefs. If you are to give him a redemption arc, have him realize his mistake after it’s too late. The final showdown between him and his fed-up students would be so much more satisfying than what we got. Please, for the love of God, Mattel! Bring this show back so we can do this story done proper.

[reallydumbdannyphantomaus]

Switch

Spectra underestimates Jazz. I'm sure this won't come back to bite her later. (ao3) (masterpost)

Interlude III

The miasma of Kwan Huang’s misery hung heavy in the air. Penelope reveled in it, breathed it in and felt it tingle through her spine. Nothing felt better than teenage misery. She’d tried making them happy once, but it just didn’t feel anywhere near as good to eat joy. Misery was delicious. Flavorful. The difference between rice crackers and a ribeye—at least, from what she remembered. She and Bertrand hadn’t eaten human food in nearly twenty years.

She kept a hint of it in her hand as she walked out into the waiting room. “That’s the last one for today, right Bertrand?” she said, tossing the concentrated depression at her assistant.

Bertrand sucked the emotion down before replying. “Yes, we’re all done.”

“A very productive day, I must say. That Tyson kid has everyone either sad he’s dead or guilty that they aren’t sad. You really picked a good one.” Bertrand’s face flushed at the praise. “And I think it’ll actually turn out for the best that you didn’t kill that Huang kid. I don’t know what all’s going on with him, but we could probably live on him alone for at least a year.”

“He’s that good?”

“Better. Didn’t that taste amazing? And I only gave you just the smallest morsel.” She burped. “Sorry, dear. Couldn’t contain myself.”

Bertrand blinked. “That was only a taste?”

“Mmhmm. Just a tiny sliver. And, I mean, I barely had to work on him before he was convinced that everything was his fault. He’s desperate to come back so we can work on his self-improvement. And he hates the idea of being a burden, so he’s not going to complain to anyone either. Honestly, I’m half tempted just to kidnap him and squirrel him away as a personal chef.”

Bertrand patted her shoulder. “No, dear. That’s way too reckless. Remember what happened last time?”

Penelope sighed. Sarah had been such a delight, except that Penelope had pushed her way too hard. They’d had to skip town when her body was found and people started asking questions.

This time, it would be slow and steady. They’d milk these kids for years and, with any luck, none of them would kill themselves until they went off to college.

“This won’t be like last time,” Penelope said. “I think we’ll be very happy here.”

—

Penelope waved goodbye at Mikey as he slumped into the hallway. Honestly, he wasn’t half-bad, but he was still a let-down after the young Mr. Huang.

And really, she tried not to pick favorites among her students, but she couldn’t help herself. There was Kwan, obviously, a delicious little grief-and-guilt factory, but a couple others had caught her attention as well. Dash Baxter was repressing so much she hardly knew where to begin, from his clear homosexuality to his building grief that he was trying to hold back like a pebble holding back a waterfall. She was hoping that she could help him repress enough that once it finally broke, he’d drown in the resulting flood.

Metaphorically, of course. She couldn’t feed on ghosts, much to her chagrin.

There was something odd about his relationship with Paulina, too, something more than just the fact that he clearly wasn’t attracted to her, but she couldn’t quite nail it down. Hopefully, she could convince him to bring Paulina to her. Whatever fucked-up thing they had was sure to bring an avalanche of misery if she handled it just right.

Then there was Valerie Gray.

Valerie was a little more closed off, but the grief was there. The guilt, too. Surprisingly, it didn’t seem like the guilt had anything to do with Tyson. She’d poked at that wound as much as she could without arousing suspicion, but Valerie’s guilt never fluctuated. She was a bit of a tougher nut to crack than the others, but Penelope could appreciate a challenge. Maybe, when she was done, Valerie would be an even better meal than Kwan.

A shudder went up her spine at the thought. Two meal tickets of such delicious quality was almost more than she could dream of. Only one week here and already she was eating better than she had in years.

A knock on the door startled her out of her musings. She frowned, glancing at her calendar; she didn’t have any students scheduled right now. Bertrand took this hour to rob banks since neither of them had any interest in living on public school salaries, and besides, he’d just let himself in. Maybe it was Principal Ishiyama, checking in on how her new grief counselor was doing?

One way to find out.

“Come in,” she said, hands folded in front of her and winning smile on her face.

A bright orange head of hair poked in. “Sorry to intrude, Dr. Spectra, but they said you didn’t have any clients right now? I know you’re probably on break, but do you… have a minute?”

Penelope swallowed a scowl. She’d been looking forward to watching cat videos during this break period, but she needed to keep up the appearance that she was always approachable. “Of course,” she said. “What did you need, Miss…”

“Fenton,” the girl said. “Jazz Fenton.” And oh but Penelope had heard the name Fenton bandied around quite a bit. Ghost hunters, apparently, though maybe only in their dreams. There was a new portal in their house, though, which gave Penelope and Bertrand even better cover. With all the ghosts that would soon be pouring out of their ill-conceived dimensional rift, anyone with any idea of the truth of the world would be focused on the invading ghosts, not on Penelope’s questionable therapy.

Plus, more people would start dying soon enough. Oh, she never wanted to leave this town.

“I was hoping you might be in need of an assistant?”

“Dear, I’m sorry but I’m not sure—”

“Well, really I was hoping you could be kinda my mentor?” Jazz Fenton said, talking over Penelope and lowering herself into a seat in front the desk. “I just—I want to help, and if you could train me a little, give me some tips… I mean, I want to be a psychologist, too. I want to help people, like you do. Please, please, I’ll come anytime day or night. I’ll pay you, I’ll do your filing, just please, please train me.”

Jazz was anxious, that much was obvious just by looking at her. Still, there was something else there, too, beneath the waves of nerves. Penelope couldn’t quite tell what it was, but it would be fun to tease out, if she said yes to Jazz’s ridiculous proposition.

Penelope sat back in her chair and considered. On the one hand, having one of these snot-nosed brats hanging around all the time could prove tricky to work around, not to mention the work involved in actually teaching her. On the other, she could use Jazz to her advantage as well. Already, Penelope could envision sending Jazz on glorified spy missions, gathering new intel on the other students, all in the name of psychology training.

Risky, for sure, but Penelope was smart, and humans were so, so very dumb at noticing what was right under their noses. She looked at the young girl in front of her, practically vibrating in her seat with desperation. Good; desperate people were even dumber than average. She’d take those odds any day of the week.

“Well,” she said, tapping her chin, “I am pretty busy right now, but I could use a hand with my administrative work during the lunch hour. And I could maybe find some time to teach you a little of what I know.”

Before she’d finished speaking, Jazz was out of her seat and squealing. She rushed around the desk to nearly tackle Penelope in a hug; Penelope bit back an instinctive hiss. It would be annoying to be around someone so obnoxiously peppy all the time, but it would be well worth it.

Finally, the girl let go and moved toward the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow!” she said, waving goodbye.

Penelope wiggled her fingers. “Can’t wait!”

—

Penelope inspected her eyeliner in the compact mirror, ignoring the noise of Bertrand pacing. “I can’t believe you agreed to something like this. Are you stupid now, Penny?”

“Berty, dear,” Penelope said, closing her compact, “there’s no need to be rude. I thought it through first. Besides, since when do I consult with you on how I talk to the meals?”

“Since you decided that one of them would be your student and not your prey!”

“I think you forget which one of us is the talent in this arrangement.” Penelope’s eyes flashed and her skin darkened, just a little. “I love you, Bertrand, but don’t forget that I’m in charge here.”

Bertrand flinched. “I hope you know what you’re doing,” he said.

“Don’t I always?”

“Sarah?”

Her hand squeezed on the compact, cracking it. “Get out.”

Bertrand shifted into his blobby ghost form and flew through the wall just as her compact shattered against the floor where he’d stood.

Stupid Bertrand. She loved him dearly, of course, but he was nearly as paranoid as Vlad sometimes. Nearly as paranoid and nowhere near as brilliant.

Penelope glanced at the phone. She could call him. Vlad. She did miss him.

She reached out, then jerked her hand back. No. No. Both she and Vlad had made their choices long ago. She wouldn’t change her mind now.

Bertrand would come back soon enough. She didn’t need anyone else.

—

Jazz Fenton was annoyingly well-prepared. Penelope had assumed that she could breeze through the whole “teaching” part of the agreement: toss out some Freud and a little Jungian bullshit and let Jazz take it as gospel. She hadn’t counted on Jazz Fenton being the world’s most meticulous overachiever.

“Um, Dr. Spectra,” Jazz said, interrupting Penelope as soon as she said the name Freud, “you’re not counseling based on his ideas, are you? Because I’ve read that they’re largely discredited and no one takes them seriously anymore.”

Penelope’s smile stretched over her teeth. “Of course not, dear! But he’s still a good starting point,” she said, drawing out her words for a little extra time to think, “because… he’s really the first person to bring the concept of psychology into the mainstream!” There. That was even true!

Jazz’s furrowed brow smoothed out and she blushed a little. “Oh. Right. So sorry to interrupt, Dr. Spectra.”

“That’s quite all right, dear. It’s the sign of an eager mind!” A little too eager. Now Penelope had to think back to her long-ago college days and remember actual psychology facts. Even then, how much of that was even usable now? Who had been discredited? She had a feeling that google was about to be her new best friend.

Jazz grinned. “Thank you, Dr. Spectra. But, if you don’t mind, I have some specific questions?”

Penelope felt her eye twitch. “Hit me!”

“So, what is your opinion on cognitive behavioral therapy?”

“Well, I think it’s a useful tool when used properly.” There. That was vague enough to pass muster, right? “What do you think about it?”

Jazz tapped her pen on her notebook. “Well,” she said, “I think it’s certainly helpful, but I feel like we’re a little too reliant on it to solve every single person’s every single problem nowadays, you know?”

“That’s a fair assessment,” Penelope said. “Do you have any examples that you can think of? Maybe some of your classmates?”

“Well, I’m not actually a psychologist…” Jazz frowned. “Isn’t that a little unethical? Me trying to diagnose people?”

“Nonsense. If you were posting about it publicly and telling all your friends, sure, but think of this as… as two professionals, sharing opinions. Real psychologists do it all the time.”

Jazz’s face cleared again and her swirls of suspicion died down. Penelope would have to be really careful with what she said; the girl was entirely too well-informed.

(Maybe Bertrand was right.) 

“Hm. Well, in that case, I’d probably have to think about it. Get back to you, you know?”

No. No. This would work. This would work just fine. A good challenge.

Her pleasant smile became just the tiniest bit feral.

“Very good! A bright mind knows when to take a step back and assess, after all.”

Jazz preened. So she wasn’t immune to a little flattery.

She clicked her pen on and pulled out her notebook. Usually, during sessions, this was reserved for making notes of where to hurt and doodling pictures of Vlad getting stabbed. For right now, though, it would be for earnest note-taking of her new student.

“I will admit,” she said, “I did underestimate your base of knowledge. Please, give me a rundown of everything you know so I know where to start.”

As Jazz launched into her (frighteningly extensive) knowledge of psychology, Penelope’s smile only grew. This would be fun.

[thelocalbozo]

Right Word Choice Sokol x Reader

hii this is a part 2 to my first Sokol x Reader "Bad Word Choice" it may make more sense if you read part 1 first, anyways- buh bye now

For the next week Sokol tried to get close to apologies to you, however anytime he entered the room you were in you would leave immediately regardless of any conversation you may have been in. The others quickly caught on to the sudden switch, they did not know what exactly went on during the heist, just that you all were ambushed, Jacket had been the only one to hear the words yelled at you that day. Everyone had noticed Jacket’s demeanor became much more hostile towards Sokol in the weeks leading up to your arrival, but thought nothing of it due to their near constant fighting before the events unfolded. But some of them aka Dallas and Wolf put two and two together and figured out that something happened on the heist, between you and Sokol and Jacket was taking your side on whatever happened. Wolf enter your area of the safe house.

“Hey if you don’t mind my asking, what’s going on with you and Sokol? Did something happen on the heist?” Wolf looked at you concerned, tilting his head slightly, leaning on the doorframe. You sigh.

“Honestly Wolf, yes something happened, and if you want more detail go ask him.” Your voice laced with venom remembering the event clear as day. Wolf’s face scrunched a bit, then softened slightly. 

“[H/N] I want to help, Dallas and I can see you’re both hurting. But if you don’t want to talk right now I can understand that.” Wolf said softly, before standing up straight and walking away, you heard him sigh. You rolled your eyes going back to doing whatever you were doing. It was a few hours later when you realized the time, it was nearly 12 am, you decided that you would just stay at the safe house, before standing and turning to the door, to go get food from the safe house kitchen. When you turned, you saw none other than Sokol standing in the doorway, blocking the exit, a look of sadness on his face.

“Listen-”

“Why don’t you leave me alone? I want nothing to do with you, you’ve made it more than clear that I mean nothing to you…” You look away, choked up, teary eyed.

“No no no, you mean the world to me, I- I said the wrong thing, I was- it was not okay, I’m so so sorry, I- Это было худшее, что я могла сказать- я так сильно тебя люблю, и мысль о том, что я потеряю тебя, причиняет мне такую боль.” He started tearing up, trying to gather his thoughts, and switching to Russian in the process. 

“What.?” Is all you said.

“I’m sorry, It was the worst thing I could say, I love you so much and the thought of losing you hurts me so much.” He looked at you, tears streaming down his face now.

“It- It scares me so much and I know I hurt you so much with those words, I do not expect forgiveness. But I do want to fix what I’ve done, I want- I want to stop the hurt I caused.” His voice cracked as he continued, his accent thick with remorse. Sokol continued looking at you hoping you would look his way. Eventually you did look back at him, meeting his sad gaze, sighing mildly, now you were also crying softly. Sokol held your eye contact awaiting your response. 

“I’m- I’m not sure what to say to you, you hurt me to an extreme amount, I- I” You broke down, nearly falling, not before Sokol caught you and held you close, you try to shove him off but that made him hold you tighter, you cry harder wrapping your arms around his middle, not knowing what else to do, he cried as well resting his head on yours, you could hear him sniffling and hiccuping, crying was not something he did often, if ever, especially in front of people, but after weeks of crying because of the guilt, all he wanted was to be with you, he didn’t care if he was crying or not. You pulled back a small amount.

“I- you, I- I can’t forgive you.” Your voice broke. 

“I know you can’t, so let me make it up to you…” He looked at you, “I just want to make it up to you.”

[hurrakka]

oh man. theoretically in a l4d au luis would've helped develop the green flu yeah? sure it's a naturally occurring virus in l4d canon (maybe. we're not really sure where it comes from cus ceda doesnt say shit but ellis mentions the government using bio-bombs in one of his keith stories so it could be a bioweapon?) but this is an au we can do what we want.

anygays im just imagining leon getting infected. we know better-safe-than-sorry-guy (i call him scout cus his va is the same as scout from tf2) is human when we first find him but experiencing extreme paranoia and some compulsions then a few minutes later he fully turns, going from able to speak and function to choking and growling and fully mutated (either into a hunter, boomer, or smoker) so there's always the possibility of a rapid transformation too. im thinking leon falling behind a bit while theyre walking because he's coughing and chokin and shit n he falls to his knees and luis is all like "bro whats wrong!!" and he gets to watch as leon Turns Before His Eyes. even better if he turns into a hunter cus if you look closely at their models they don't have eyes. we can't be exactly sure what Happens to their eyes when they turn but the two most popular headcanons are both equally brutal-- either Luis has to watch Leon's eyes quite literally melt out of his skull or he gets to watch him claw his own eyes out. Fun!

BUT there's graffiti in one of the safe rooms arguing over how long it actually takes to turn-- whether it's 20 minutes, 2 hours, overnight, or some other wacky chunk of time. so there's also the thought of Leon turning slowly. progressively becoming irritable and irrational and confused and him slipping in and out of conciousness for days until Luis goes to check his temp one day and he fucking Lunges.

and if leon turns and luis makes it out alive imagine the Guilt. he feels awful enough in re4 canon when there's a cure,,, but the green flu mutates too often to develop a proper cure for it. if leon gets infected and he isnt immune then he's just. done. theres nothing that can help him at that point. and luis already feels so goddamn guilty about the millions of people he's killed and now leon's gone too and he cant help but visualize every single person who had somebody ripped from them by his hands.

oh man and if luis has to put leon down? its joever. that man would Never recover. i dont even know if he'd keep trying to survive at that point. maybe just for that shred of hope of developing a cure (even though he knows it'd be damn-near impossible but it's the only thing hes got, dammit) and stopping this whole disaster.

coughs. sorry for the rambling i simply have been obsessed with l4d for going on 12 years now so <3

I had to lay down for a moment bc of the feels and potential outcomes in the event luis lives on while leon well...yeah (thinkin abt how buddy from re damnation would jus turn as well since leon is no longer there and that made me big sad dgkrnekhbfgnjklh) Since the re verse has like morbillion viruses, the green flu existing would be plausible so its just another stonks moment for umbrella lol. But yeah luis would absolutely be devastated. He probably doesnt have the guts to pull the trigger, least he can do is to restrain leon for a while and tries to find whatever humanity he has left in his nonexistent eyes. Tho in my witch!leon hc I think luis may have a chance to keep leon around??? Since witches seem to have the most humanity among the infected (and thats not saying much) he could probs observe him a lil bit without getting eaten right away. It would just be a warm bodies scenario ngl (i just watched that movie recently so this is huge copium dksfghbshgndfh) Honestly Im glad l4d fandom still alive after all these years. That game will always be goated and it was one of my high-school obsessions. I used to do crossover stuff back then and Im back to doing it now. Time rly do be a flat circle

[deusex1994]

You will not have any doubt that psychological time is a mental disease if you look at its collective manifestations. “I” can no longer operate under the implicit assumption that the highest good lies in the future and that therefore the end justifies the means. The end is an idea, a point in the mind-projected future, when salvation in whatever form - happiness, fulfillment, equality, liberation, and so on - will be attained. Do you believe that if you acquire more things you will become more fulfilled, good enough, or psychologically complete? Am I just waiting for someone to come and change my life for the better? I feel a need to shed my skin, become a hull of who I once was, think about the present. I spend so much time forming relationships with people, even with the feeling that it's going to go away eventually. Day by day, moment after moment. Countless self improvement, countless reflections of my past. I am not sure what lies ahead,. What can I do for myself? I need to stop dwelling about the future. I need to be in the now. Alone or not. I must find a way to dig myself out of this hole of jealousy and self destruction. I must STRIVE for it, YEARN for it, I need to make myself WANT that escape. I want to help myself but lack the motivation. I'm afraid of it all happening again. What if I lose someone else, what if they grow tired of me, is it even worth it? I feel as if I have hollowed, I hull of a person. I no longer feel like ME. Everytime I look in the mirror I must ask myself, is it really YOU? Honestly, I feel lost in this life. I feel like I am without cause, purpose, anything. If I am to rise against I need to release the belief that I need someone else to help me achieve that. Even though I might miss them. But in the long run, maybe that's a good thing. As most times I've just gotten too close to the sun and burned myself on the words of hurt. If I let you, you would make me destroy myself. In order to survive you, I must first survive myself. What does it mean to change yourself? Is it something that can be described? Is it something internal? Who knows.

Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry, all forms of fear, are caused by too much future and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, greed, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness is caused by too much past and not enough presence. Finding that balance is something I've struggled with for so long. I feel as if it's killing me slowly, driving me insane. Countless sleepless nights, thinking about what COULD'VE been, what COULD be. All for what? Some personal satisfaction? Some feeling that I'm not worthless? Why would that matter. I would just be doing the same actions, just a slightly better feeling. So I ask myself. Is that worth it? Why should I strive for that if I can make myself feel that way. I just lack the motivation. Why? I couldn't tell you honestly. I have no idea how or WHY I feel in the first place. Why does anyone feel? Is it just a distraction? Are we even real? Mindless thoughts and questions plague my mind like a cascade of confusion. I must strike them down and begin anew. Even then, will that really be enough? If I make myself believe that I am happy even tho I am not, am I actually happy or just distracted. So I ask you. Is that really change?

I have come curiously close to the end, beneath my self indulgent, pitiful hole. Defeated I concede, move closer. I may find comfort here. I may find peace in the emptiness. I feel as if it's calling me. Giving off a warm inviting tone. Shrouding all the ground around me. Self control is a hard thing to master. I often have urges of leaving everything behind. And I often ask myself. WHATS WRONG WITH ME. I want to claw at my skin for the answers beneath the settlements of my thoughts. Before I end up pining away at some useless cause. It's like my mind can't help but make itself garrulously ramble on. I would like to find a distraction to this needless need for the emptiness. Ik it's a bad feeling, but it feels oh so good. Basking in the blank light rays. Must crucify this ego.

Before I Pine Away.

We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion. The words ever so splattered across my mind recently. I must celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing. Standing where I am is no more than a privilege, that most people seem to take for granted. I am ALIVE! Rejuvenating in the waters of my mind. Encased by this body that holds me. I shall no longer be tethered to this mortal plane. Spinning, weaving through each new experience. A chance to break away shows itself soon.

Reminds me of my own mortality.

Watch the weather change. Watch everything change around you. Change is a hard thing to process. Yet it is one of the most constant things. Change has happened a lot around me, but I'm still here giving blood, keeping faith. No loving embrace, no rewards to reap. Surely I would've quit this tedious path of change by now. No. I must keep reminding myself of this. Draining patience, draining vitality.

Gotta wait it out.

Steps to reaching Bearite enlightenment.

1. Shed your mistakes, Let go.

"If you carry the dust of what you leave behind, there will be room for nothing else."

2. One Day a week of no media consumption.

"One must be with themselves alone to understand who they truly are"

3. Learn forgiveness.

"You will go nowhere with hatred except deeper into that hole of despair"

4. Do not lie with sheep.

"Keeping those without your best interest will do nothing but harm your thoughts and your image"

5. Finally. Do not feel bad for your wants, but do not greed.

"The eye will give unto thee, as long as you stay faithful and true to yourself.

6. Remember you are loved.

"Loving embrace to see me through."

7. Try not to overthink.

"Heavy Is the head that falls with the weight of a thousand thoughts."

8. We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion.

"Experience this chance to be alive and breathing, it is merely a privilege."

9. Stay Patient.

"Gotta wait it out."

[goo-stew-4-you]

bah humbug.

Merry whatever, happy who cares, and prosperous up yours.

I shouldn't be so cynical, I love Christmas. It was always my job to help decorate, to bake the cookies, to wrap presents. I was the little elf. I forced everyone to be festive. I don't know what shifted. My physical absence in my childhood home has left that hole for my family, but even for myself, the Christmas joy is gone.

My time home for Christmas is the longest I've been here since last January. You can tell that I'm not here much; there is not a shred of my clothing, a tschoskie I used to collect, or even any food I can eat anywhere. Instead of being welcomed home to doting family, warm meals, and a comfortable bed to fall into after a stressful semester, I am a visitor sleeping in my kitchen, my door being a sheet hung on a string. I prepare all of my meals myself, not like my family eats together anyway. I push my family to get out and do things together, and if we do, someone complains, but most of the time we don't. When it's time for me to return to school, I always get guilt-tripped, since my parents "barely saw me" the entire time I was home. Could it hurt for them to make the effort to spend time with me? There's a reason I don't come home often.

And now it's Christmas day. A weird tinge of sadness paints today, and no one wants to talk about it. I know why Christmas makes me sad. It's a reminder that my parents have no idea who I am. I can't entirely blame them for that, but it feels really easy to feel sorry for myself about it. It seems that my parents have only ever had an idea of who Paige is, even when I was younger. They can make out the silhouette, but it's hard for them to fill in the details. I got a bunch of backpacking gear for Christmas, all the stuff that was on my list. I'm grateful for it, it was what I needed, and nothing that I would buy for myself. But the smaller gifts felt impersonal. There was nothing that I received that wasn't on my list that indicated that there was any thought about what I might like. It felt very safe. I honestly would have felt better if they had tried to get me something specific and missed the mark completely. At least then it would have felt like they were trying.

I think it doesn't help that I come from a stiff-upper-lip family. Which is crazy to think about, since I am such an emotional person. It's always been this way, especially with my mom. I think messy emotions scare her. I've been trying to be more open of a person, more real (it's something that I've always struggled with), and I told her that Christmas makes me sad. All she could reply was "me too, isn't that sad?" End of conversation. I wanted to tell her that I felt like I have never really felt comfortable opening up to her or Dad, a weird part of me wanted to pull up all the past receipts, be mad, and yell at her about all the times when I tried to open up and she shut me down, or maybe cry with her about how we miss Grandma. I didn't get any of this, case in point.

A big part of me wants to go back to Worcester. I want to run away from my feelings and problems and spend the next 14 days sitting around and watching tv and sleeping all day. A big part of me wants to stop existing, just for a little bit, just until I can feel normal again.

A big part of me is so resentful of Rae. To be so blatant, she has always gotten exactly what she wanted or needed, and she still complains. I'm resentful because she asked for help, and she received it. She's allowed to throw fits, she's allowed to ask for more, she's allowed to be upset, and most of all, she's allowed to fail. And I don't ask for help, and I don't receive it. This is partly my fault. But, for good reason, for case studies in the past, I have asked for help, and I have not received it. I have been told to stop being dramatic, to suck it up. When I told my parents I was assaulted by a close family friend, that they were a room over when it happened, my mom told me she was worried that I was gonna come home and tell them that I was pregnant, as if my months of lonely sadness were the least of my worries. This just builds my resentment.

But I know that my parents don't know any better. I know that my mom is like me, she doesn't like to talk about her feelings, or maybe she doesn't think she can unless they're resolved and wrapped in a beautiful bow of self-actualization, and a note saying "But don't worry about me, I've got it figured out." What a beautiful Christmas gift that would be, I think that's what I want this year. Vulnerability, and proof that my family actually cares.

[mesmerium]

seventeen mean so much to me, i’m actually so emotional. i think i talked about this already but quite literally seventeen saved my life. if you’re bored and want to read a whole essay about their impact on my life, here lmao

tw // depression, mentions of suicide (nothing graphic!)

i took leave from med school because my depression was so bad, even when i was getting good grades and had leadership positions (plural!!???) and was doing well in extracurriculars. these things honestly only served to worsen my mental state. the pressure i had put on myself, the insomnia i developed from being anxious all the time, the fear of failure and not being liked and being made fun of for trying too hard, etc. it all came to a head, and i had to make it stop. so i did. i took a leave of absence, and all of a sudden, after years and years of keeping myself too busy to think too much, too busy to contemplate, i had nothing to do but listen to my thoughts and wallow in sadness and emptiness. it wasn’t any better, and i had honestly lost any hope for myself. at that point i had been dealing with depression for more than a decade, and even while on medication i couldn’t bear to live anymore.

so i started writing goodbye letters to the few people that mattered to me. it wasn’t my first time, but i thought that it would be the last. there was a finality to everything i was doing. in february 2022, i attempted suicide. i prepared everything the night before, woke up early, and did it. but before i could do enough damage to myself, guilt seeped through me. i thought to myself, “it’ll be my dad’s birthday in a few days, it’s so selfish of me to be doing this before he could even celebrate.” so i dropped everything, patched myself up (thank god for med school materials amirite), and cried myself to sleep. that day, with nothing else to do, no energy for anything, i tried watching going seventeen.

i became a fan of seventeen in 2016, after pretty u promotions. i watched ofd and was obsessed with the going seventeen mini album when it came out. unfortunately i decided to drop kpop as a hobby for a bit because i was really busy and living my life, so it’s a little funny that my first step back into it was when i had nothing else to do after attempting lol. when i tell you it got me to laugh after a month of not being able to. i got invested, and it gave me something to do while i was waiting for my dad’s birthday to pass.

one night, a few days after my dad’s birthday, an ex who passed away in december 2021 visited me in my dreams. i asked him what he was doing in my dream, and he took me to visit his family home. he told me he was watching over his family before leaving completely. we chatted, and i asked him if i would regret going the same way he did. he told me that it is the way it is, and that he’s found peace where he is. it was up to me, he said. i woke up and cried, because i missed him, because i was glad that he was happy, because it felt like a sign that it was time for me too.

that night i attempted again. i felt myself floating, losing whatever it was that tethered me to my corporeal self. yet i am here still typing out this post in 2023. how and why? because a thought hit me, and i scrambled to get the wire off of my neck. “i won’t be able to watch going seventeen in the afterlife, if there was an afterlife at all.” it seems so goofy and insane, especially now while looking back, but it was enough to get me to panic and stop before i could succeed.

that’s how seventeen gave me something to live for. it sounds so inconsequential and dumb, yes, but when you’re teetering on the edge, the tiniest pull matters. my motivation from then on was to make it to wednesday to watch going seventeen, then if i wanted to die after that, so be it. but the desire to watch 13 men be goofy on camera, to see them with so much adoration and affection for each other and their fans, was so much greater. it helped me get through each week, and before i knew it weeks turned into months and months turned into a year. they filled me with so much love and inspiration, helped me get back up on my feet and feel normal again, gave me a community filled with kind, creative, and equally loving people from all over the world.

they’re not the answer to my problems, i know that. i’m still struggling. but without them i wouldn’t even be able to live to see the day that i overcome those problems. thanks to them, i found the will to better myself. thanks to them, i can look forward to what the future holds. i hope i am allowed the honor of knowing and loving them like this in every lifetime. ‘til the last say the name!!!

“It’s our first time living this life, so how can we be good from the beginning? Even I’m still having a hard time. Let’s learn together.” — Hoshi

[imminent-danger-came]

*sets down a second folding chair and places it next to my previous one* 3x03! The finale! Sharing my thoughts since I talked about the first two. It’s not all negative like before, but it’s goin’ under a read more anyways since imma complain:

First of all: that shit was very cool. Belos taking control of the Island? Dad titan? Titan Luz? The music?

Like, I was super into it! I enjoyed the finale (even though I'm going to complain about it, I swear I did), and I enjoyed it WAY more than the first two episodes of s3. 3x01 and 3x02 were...honestly I think they were terrible. 

*Sigh*.

God. I’m so sad they butchered my Philip story. They butchered his character so, so terribly. That man was a walking corpse of the plot for all of s3. We got no real conclusion for the Wittebane brothers or for the golden guard. "This is for the good of your souls". Okay. That didn't lead anywhere. Like, a villain can be irredeemable AND have depth, you know? But this is what The Owl House does, they establish things that don't lead anywhere.

Again, I think this could have been fixed! Belos could have manipulated Hunter with Caleb’s past while they were in the same body, and seeing the inner struggle of that conflict would have added SO MUCH. It could have made flapjacks death more relevant too—have flapjack let himself get absorbed by Hunter/Belos so his soul could be used to help Hunter fight off Belos’ control. This adds so much to Hunter’s arc for the season while also giving us like, the story of the Wittebanes from an actually relevant source. It also has flapjack going out the way he lived: showing Hunter that he’s more than Belos’ manipulation.

I’ve talked about it before but the Collector felt very different from his original appearances. Of course I loved him by the end, but I do still miss what once was. They totally retconned his og story which is whatever, but I wanted to know what the deal with the owl beast was! That was like, one of the main plot points s1 set up that was further expanded on in s2. Maybe this was always what was planned for the collector (though the way talks about titans when he meets king in "King's Tide" makes me think otherwise). If this was always the plan...then it was sloopy lol. Sure, give the child who doesn't understand the concept of death morals, but make sure when he's talking to Philip it actually SEEMS like he's a misguided child, rather than legitimately super fucked up. Or, even have it seem like King actively affected the Collector over the couple month time skip—have the Collector go from a completely moral-less being who relishes in chaos to a being who has someone else to be their morals.

I think my main problem with s3 of toh is that I think they could have done it. I’ve seen more done with less—The Dragon Prince only ever has 9 20 minute episodes per season, which is like, only 40 minutes more than toh s3. Lego Monkie kid has 10 minute 10 episode seasons, and I'm always blown away with what that show is able to accomplish. I just know it's possible—TOH could have done way more with the time it had.

Another thing I wished they did was have Luz’s guilt be around more than just leading Philip to the collector. Like, there was definitely more there. Eda losing her magic? The pain her mother went through of fearing for her child? All of her friends being stranded from their home? The boiling isles being destroyed? Luz feeling like a burden to everyone in s2? Idk, it was just clunky man. They basically went, Luz, this is why you're terrible: "you helped Philip meet the collector", "you helped Philip meet the collector", and "you helped Philip meet the collector". I appreciated the bit with Hunter saying "you got your palismen while I lost mine", like thank GOD there was SOMETHING.

I’ve seen some other folks make points about the Titan giving Luz powers going against the lesson of 1x02 (1x03?)—which is fair, but I think I disagree! I was all for the “Belos ripping the power from the island while Luz was given that power” parallel. It wasn’t about her being “chosen”, it was that she happened to be there, and more importantly she happened to be kind. Luz had to be the one to accept that power I think—it wasn’t the Titan’s choice, it was Luz’s. But maybe that’s just me!

Here's a little buffer sentence because I'm totally jumping around lol

Anyways, they TOTALLY abandoned all of the side characters at the end there. Rip Gus, Willow, Amity, Camila, and Hunter. You were real one’s and we didn’t get to focus on you at all in 3x03. This makes your character send-off 3x02, which is a real shame. Like, why did Hunter get Flapjack powers? Honestly? I just feel like it didn't add anything and actively took away from the "finding your own way to do things" theme they had going. I know that the show started with Eda, Luz, and King and that the show needed to end with Eda, Luz, and King—but those side characters not aiding in ANY way for the final confrontation felt...weird? Like a missed opportunity? IDK.

Finale complaint: Lumity. Like, they're cute, of course they are. And obviously I've been spoiled by Rayllum for YEARS, with the way arc 1 of TDP literally culminated with the leap scene and a love confession. Like, I know. TDP has forever altered my brain chemistry. Rayla affects Callum just like Callum affects Rayla. Lumity just...doesn't have any of that. Their relationship, despite being a huge focus for seasons 1 and 2, just...didn't amount to anything for the finale. Like, yay! They kissed! It was sweet! But what did it honestly add to the narrative they were trying to tell? How did Amity impact Luz's character? TOH has never been strong on a thematic front, and that's obvious to see in every aspect of the show.

Like, I wasn't a huge huge fan of Amphibia's ending, but man! At least there was intent! And, at least plenty of people *did* enjoy that ending for what I think were the right reasons. Even if I don't like how they went about it, the whole "some things you love leave your life and some things come back" message was good.

So, tldr: Could have been way better, plenty of wasted potential (especially in the first 2 episodes), but I do still think it was a solid finale! Solid finale for a mid show, with a very shaky run to get there.

*sets down my folding chair and sits* So, 3x01 of the o/w/l h/ou/se. Fair warning this is a negative rant so I'm putting it under a readmore:

I can not believe the stars were aligned for the PERFECT Hollow Mind parallel, and it DIDN'T HAPPEN. Hunter and Philip trapped in the same body/mind? Hunter fighting for control? Luz coming to terms with the fact that she lead Philip to the collector? Flapjack getting absorbed into Hunter like all those previous palismens were absorbed into Belos? Like that would have been so good it KILLS ME that it didn't happen. Learning how Philip and Caleb found their way to the Boiling Isles would have been way more satisfying coming from Philip himself.

And honestly like...the episode was fine-ish, but I think overall I was disappointed by it. I don't really care for how they handled Hunter and Luz's respective secrets, and I was SUPER disappointed by Luz's reaction to Belos' return. Like there he is, the man who caused about 3/4 of all your trauma, and like....nothing? Like on god running into Belos should have been the culmination of her s2 and 3x01 arc, yet it wasn't.

I also just kinda wish Luz's refusal to tell her friends she helped Phiplip meet the collector was based more in her fear of being a burden rather than the fear of her friends hating her. This isn't to say there weren't good moments in the special, but they were definitely scattered throughout the episode. It all just fell super flat for me. But I guess in general I find The Owl House to be a very mid show.

Since typing this post in my drafts I've also watched 3x02 and honestly, I feel the same way I did watching the first episode. The writers tried to give every character their own new mini arc instead of focusing on what had already been established previously. Which would be fine, except... this is the penultimate episode. We should be building off of everyone's series long arcs (of which Luz only really has, and I guess Hunter too since he was only around for season 2. Kind of Belos? They've just like, abandoned writing him).

Genuinely disappointed they took away all of the fucked-upedness from the Collector and just made him a lonely kid, rather than a child with the powers of a god and no regard for others or morals. His debut in "Hollow Mind" made him out to be someone who truly relished in chaos, and now he's just like...a child playing make-believe. I think an angle like this could have worked with a different approach, but the episode as is isn't really my thing.

Both these specials feel like "these are all the ideas we had for season 3, let's shove them into these specials" rather than effectively using the time they had. Like...the human world and hexside shenanigans are fun, sure, but focusing on the like...everything else you now don't have time to pay off is way more important.

[animeomegas]

Dabi would be so much healthier if he at any point in time encountered an aunt/uncle type person from his mother's extended family who had the distance from his immediate family to act (mostly managed to fly under Endeavor's radar). It needs to be a maternal family member because Touya was really traumatized by his own mother's inability to do anything to stop Endeavor from hurting everyone in the household and to be a proxy for his mother's forgiveness (I said healthier not healthy lol). It also shows that people see the abuse and want to do something about it. Honestly the only way this au doesn't also end in villainy and a sad aunty/uncle is if the relative reports Endeavor to someone who will do something about it for abuse or redirects young Touya's desire for approval to themselves if they don't see reporting as possible for whatever reason. The aunt/uncle is someone who in the mean time baits angry young Touya to their house and redirects the fire. If they have ice/water powers that might help keep Touya from burning and becoming Dabi if he's encouraged to develop his powers slowly. Touya is a teen when he becomes canon Dabi and teens can be really hard to reason with but with many years of hard work maybe it can be done. If Touya still becomes Dabi/a villain, he still visits a now older aunt/uncle to settle his fiery emotions and remind himself that someone somewhere loved him once and decided to do something about that, even if it wasn't enough. The aunt/uncle probably lives in horrible guilt that they know who Dabi is and has an idea of what terrible crimes he commits but they also hate Endeavor for making his kid this way, for making their cousin Rei this way, and for being such a self absorbed fool that the only way he could even begin to ask for forgiveness was by realizing that he'd asked them for the "impossible", not that he'd asked for it in an abusive way. If Dabi approves the aunt/uncle would help Rei reincorporate into life outside her facility and maybe one day help mediate a meeting between her and her lost son.

Same with Shoto but the other way, if there was anyone who was willing to step up from Endeavor's extended family, I actually don't think Shoto would have tried to forgive Endeavor so easily. If the aunt/uncle is from the Todoroki extended family they would have to have the power to get away with caring (either powers or social status). For Shoto have an au where the aunt/uncle supports Shoto and encourages him to turn away from his father's cruelty. The aunt/uncle teaches Shoto to leave little rolled up messages in code - super useful for hero recon work actually! - teaches him techniques to do more than destroy things with his powers (ice flowers and wood burning/metal art anyone??) in the name of "fine control", teaches him how to use both at once to manipulate different metals, but is actually informative and encouraging about it. They teach him that emotions like rage aren't the only ones you need to fuel a fire. When Shoto enters UA, it's this aunt/uncle that he goes to for advice and support and this person who is an emotional anchor when Endeavor's impossible standards make him burn with rage. The aunt/uncle also might actually encourage him to fight with Enji because they know that Enji is never going to get what he wants (for better or worse Endeavor needs a rival as motive to bring his A game after all this time) and they know that Shoto's powers aren't what make him special, the pain didn't make him, surviving did, and the new friends who are there to support his intrinsic good nature and show him there are many many people who can love him are important. This relative is the one to cook for a big batch of the UA kids at once and make Shoto laugh when they inevitably get overwhelmed feeding half a dozen super powered teenagers with the matching appetites and they also are the one to interrogate prospective mates or new friends to make sure they're up to their high moral standards for Shoto's circle lol.

Yes, this is so interesting! Both of these boys deserve someone like that to swoop in and help them. 

I’m imagining Touya turning up on his aunt/uncle’s doorstep after he burns himself up and is presumed dead. I’m imagining them taking care of him, raising him in secret, homeschooling him as best as they can, trying to give him something resembling a good, normal life. 

I’m imagining Shouto getting a little stressed about parents’ evening at UA, not wanting Endeavour anywhere near him or his school. But then he remembers that he has another familial adult he can trust and invites his aunt/uncle instead. It’s the first time Aizawa has seen Shouto relax in the presence of an adult. 

Just, it would be so nice, and they both deserve it so much. 

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts anon, they were so much fun to read <3333

[qillmhi]

Regret

Leo x reader

You didn't think you'd see the day.

Leo looked so small, so ashamed of himself that he couldn't even meet your eyes. He was fidgeting with the bandages on his knuckles, something he doesn't usually do.

"I'm so sorry." He sighed in guilt "Karai just--"

"Its alright." You placed a hand on his shoulder. "I know you never stopped loving her. And I understand your feelings." It stung. A lot. But you forced back the tears threatening to spill. You had to stay strong. For him. For yourself.

"You're not mad at me?" He looked up at you, still filled with shame with himself. You were a great person. You never lacked in anything, always helping and always a person any one could rely on. You were the one he puts his trust on completely.

But Karai had his heart.

You shook your head "No. I can never be mad at you for being true with your feelings." You gave him a small bitter smile. Honestly, you should be upset right now. Your boyfriend of three years just straight up said he's breaking up with you, but you weren't blind. You could see the lingering gazes and longing sighs coming from Leo whenever Karai was around. You accepted the fact that she occupied a lot more space on his heart than you did.

You already knew this was going to happen.

But you did appreciate the efforts he put in this relationship. Like late night dates on the Statue of Liberty's crown,(it was beautiful but scared the shit out of you) pretending to split up during patrols so he can drop by and give you a flower he took from someone's garden (hehe), and of course the sweet kisses exchanged between giggles during Space Heroes marathons.

It was oh so sweet while it lasted.

Leo smiled at you in appreciation. He felt relief but also bitter for doing this to someone as sweet as you.

"But why?" He asked. You blinked. Why?

"Because I love you. And I want you to be happy." His head shrunk back in his shell. You giggled and pulled his bandana to pop his head back out. "Bro, if we dated, I gotta like you somehow right?"

Leo didn't meet your eyes "R-Right..."

You straightened your back, pulling out a token of your love from your pocket and placing it in his hand, making sure the gift was hidden tightly in his fist. Leo blinked at it questionably.

"Well..." You patted his fist "I better go now. Still gotta fill up those college applications." You walked away out of the lair. You probably wont be able to come here for a long while... You just hoped this wouldn't affect your friendship with the others and himself too much.

Once you were out of the sewers, you finally let the tears flow down your cheeks. You took a deep breath, trying to stay as calm as possible. You already knew this was going to happen, but it still hurt nonetheless. Oh how you truly did love Leo, but you love yourself more to let yourself be left in ruins. It was sad that you had to prepare yourself for this. Sad that things had to end this way.

You weren't mad at Leo. You weren't mad at Karai nor were you going to compare yourself to her. You knew you did your best and stayed true to love so, if love can't love you back then you'll just have to start focusing your love on yourself.

Meanwhile Leo's eyes remained on the entrance after you left. He wanted you to be upset, hit him or yell at him. Tell him that he was a no good bastard. The fact that you didn't, and put on a brave smile made you so admirably beautiful that it hurt.

He looked down on his hand. He still had whatever it was that you gave him. He didn't know if he even deserved anything in this world at all for hurting you like this.

But out of curiosity, he slowly opened his hand and gasped at the blue velvet box sitting in the palm of his hand.

No. It couldn't be.

His breathing increased. His heart pounded so loud in his chest as he slowly held a shaking limb to open the box.

There, sitting on a plush mini pillow, was a band of gold big enough to fit his finger, shimmering proudly under the lamp light. Because the ring was large, he could easily see the engraving inside.

'To my greatest love' it read.

Leo slapped a hand over his mouth. Flashbacks of the times you spent together hit him harder than a tidal wave. The sweet hugs, those late night dates, the sweet sneaky little kisses, proclamations of love under the warmth of your cuddles, your gentle touches. Your love.

Why? Why did he let the most important person in his life go?!

The overwhelming guilt was too much for the poor terrapin. He didn't realise he was already holding the ring close to his chest. He didn't realise he was on his knees, shaking violently. He didn't realise that he was screaming at the agony in his heart nor did he see his brothers had ran into the room in panic asking if he was okay.

He wasn't okay.

He just gave away the one thing that made everything okay.

And it was all his fault.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm so so so so sorry!!!" He cried out loudly. Completely ignoring what his brothers were saying. You were already gone. And you most likely would never want to see him again.

That thought made him cry even louder, clutching the ring as if it was his last hope in living. Not that he had any now. Not after he completely disregarded it.

All that he is now is a pathetic pile of shame and regret.

[colemonroe]

“I’m countin’ on it,” Cole chuckled, appreciating the distraction, but knowing it could never last, not at a time like this when the damn walls themselves felt like they were closing in. Still, he could’ve lingered on the prospect of brownies all day if it meant avoiding all the other thoughts running rampant inside his head. But he knew that wasn’t why Emiri had sat down beside him– she had far more to talk about than fucking brownies. It was a quality she shared with her father, Cole was realizing slowly but surely– they could start a deep conversation with something simple, then lead into something so profound it nearly stole his breath from his lungs. Cole liked that about them both, even if being on the receiving end of it forced him to open up in ways he’d prefer not to. But regardless, he knew it always came from a place of caring, which was why rather than balking the way he wanted to, Cole found himself slowly easing up on the shackles he kept around his heart and his feelings– because just like with Serkan, he knew he could trust Emiri to be gentle with them. And so he stood by what he’d said– they were all so lucky to have her, even if perhaps she didn’t view it that way.

Talking about Cassie was so uncomfortable for him, partly because he was rife with the belief that he didn’t really have a right to– which was bullshit, considering how close they’d been not only once, but at a couple different points in their lives. But Cole couldn’t quite see it that way. He just saw all the missed opportunities that he’d let pass him by because of his pride. Was that right? It didn’t feel that way, especially not now. “Nah, I did what I thought was right for me,” he admitted, head knocking in a brief shake. He’d let her go and let bitterness overtake him in the process. If he’d thought about Cassie the way he thought about Diana? Maybe the outcome might’ve been different. Swallowing hard as Emiri’s question seemed to mirror what he was thinking, he shrugged his shoulders, at somewhat of a loss, “I’m not sure,” Cole answered honestly, scrubbing a hand across his mouth to snuff out the low curse that threatened to leave his lips, “And that’s the part I can’t get right with,” he explained, his southern drawl nearly breaking once the regret and guilt had a chance to hit it. “I don’t know if it would’ve helped anythin’. I never fuckin’ tried.” And that was the point. What sort of person did that make him, if not the devil he’d always viewed himself as? It wasn’t like Cassie had been a stranger to him– she’d been someone who he’d pictured an entire life with and he’d simply cast it all away the moment she’d left him– again. 

Swiping a hand across his eyes, dashing away whatever tears threatened to fall, Cole straightened in his seat, his features taking on that familiar self-loathing scowl he’d known since he was five years old. Inhaling a final drag on his Marlboro, he leaned forward, snuffing it out in the ashtray in front of him. “Thank you,” he murmured, glancing over at Emiri. He could see that she was only trying to settle even a fraction of the discord inside his head and while he wasn’t so sure it’d work, he was grateful for the effort– it meant someone cared, even when Cole felt he didn’t deserve that. Hearing her suggestion to go and talk to Cassie after the service, a small yet sad smile tugged at the corner of his mouth, “I’ll do that.” Because only God knew how much shit he’d left unsaid. Cole didn’t know how to move forward without getting it off his chest. Shaking his head, he offered up a soft smile, “Sorry, Em– I didn’t mean to drop all that on ya.” He meant that genuinely, if the warmth of his smile was anything to go by. “Usually reserved this sorta shit for your old man.” He felt safe in saying that, not only because it was true, but because he felt Emiri needed to know just how much he valued her father’s opinion– and now, hers. “He’d be proud of ya.” Not only by how she carried herself, but how despite everything she was facing, Emiri still managed to shine a light on others when they needed it. It wasn’t surprising, really– not when Serkan had been one of the most selfless men Cole had ever known. It felt only right that his daughter was the same way. “One day, when shit ain’t so crazy ‘round here, remind me to tell ya how I got this patch,” he started, gesturing at the President’s flash on his chest and shifting focus away from his grief because he simply didn’t know how to process it, and focusing attention on something that actually made sense. “He had a lot to do with it.”

"Ahh.. okay." He was watching his figure? She chuckled lightly. Finding the humour there, actually, and not thinking too much into it. "I will, so if you get me frantically calling you asking you where you are, this will be why." That she had perfected a brownie recipe to die for - chocolate just hit different for Emiri, it's a thought that had her pushing those same ones aside, knowing that she didn't need to run off on a tangent about baked goods when she was really speaking to Cole for a different reason. She wanted to know how he was, how he was doing, how he was coping - or not, he deserved for people to care enough to check in. It's what he did, it's what her dad would have done. Underneath Serkan Tezel's hardened exterior, he was a teddy bear - or more, that's how Emiri would describe him, knowing not only that he cared intensely about everyone inside of the MC, but she knew how he looked at Cole. A guy that while he had his own father figures; he never wanted to see him fall.

She offered a slight smile, "It's what a friend should do." Something she whole heartedly believed in. It's almost like she's shaking off him saying that Logan was lucky to have her, or hell, that they all were, she didn't believe that. It wasn't luck, not really, it was just being a decent human being, or so she thought. Emiri knew what it was like to feel set aside while experiencing grief, losing her dad had been a roller-coaster of emotions and not having her cousin to lean on had been hard. Not that she blamed, or felt bitter towards Taliah, she wouldn't dream of it, not ever. She loved her with her entire being and she understood now why she needed space. The one thing Emiri had taken from it was that if she could help somebody else not feel so alone, she would. She was trying to do that with Logan, all while not wanting to suffocate her.

Listening she keeps herself relatively silent, feeling sad for Cole, hearing that he felt guilty wasn't nice and yet, wasn't that one of the many stages of grief? You had to push, force, scramble your way through them to make it out on the other side. She knew that. "I'm sure you were doing what you thought was right." Letting Cassie go. "Or more, what you thought she wanted." She corrects herself slightly, knowing that the guy sat beside her would break through barriers to help the people he cared about. No she didn't know the ins and outs to why Cassie left town and honestly? It wasn't her business to know. "If you had tried, could you have done anything?" A question Cole didn't have to answer, she had asked just to make him think a little differently, trying herself to imply that sometimes the only person that could save themselves, was that person, outside influence only did so much.

She nods softly, understanding Cole when it came to him thinking of every what if possible, knowing in her heart that that was a normal thing to do. She also felt it was something that tied and twisted with guilt, however, she did believe that eventually he wouldn't be so hard on himself. Seeing Cole on the brink of tears didn't phase her, she didn't find it awkward or think he was any less of a man and him telling her he was sorry, only had her wanting to correct that, "You don't need to be." She wanted to hug him, actually, but thought perhaps right this second wasn't the moment to do so. "You shouldn't have to," pretend that he didn't care about Cassie, she thought he needed to embrace that. "You should visit her after the funeral and tell her everything you never got the chance to say, I talk to dad every week and it was weird at first, but it helped a lot." She wasn't telling him it was a cure to all his thoughts, it was more that speaking those thoughts out loud into a space made her feel lighter, at least. "It'll help you to say goodbye to her."