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LSAD YR1 2022
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“How would you feel if you didn’t know how you would feel if you didn’t eat breakfast this morning because you ate breakfast this morning?”
“But I know how I would feel if I didn’t eat breakfast”
“But how would you structure society for people who don’t?”
“I don’t understand”
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You will not have any doubt that psychological time is a mental disease if you look at its collective manifestations. “I” can no longer operate under the implicit assumption that the highest good lies in the future and that therefore the end justifies the means. The end is an idea, a point in the mind-projected future, when salvation in whatever form - happiness, fulfillment, equality, liberation, and so on - will be attained. Do you believe that if you acquire more things you will become more fulfilled, good enough, or psychologically complete? Am I just waiting for someone to come and change my life for the better? I feel a need to shed my skin, become a hull of who I once was, think about the present. I spend so much time forming relationships with people, even with the feeling that it's going to go away eventually. Day by day, moment after moment. Countless self improvement, countless reflections of my past. I am not sure what lies ahead,. What can I do for myself? I need to stop dwelling about the future. I need to be in the now. Alone or not. I must find a way to dig myself out of this hole of jealousy and self destruction. I must STRIVE for it, YEARN for it, I need to make myself WANT that escape. I want to help myself but lack the motivation. I'm afraid of it all happening again. What if I lose someone else, what if they grow tired of me, is it even worth it? I feel as if I have hollowed, I hull of a person. I no longer feel like ME. Everytime I look in the mirror I must ask myself, is it really YOU? Honestly, I feel lost in this life. I feel like I am without cause, purpose, anything. If I am to rise against I need to release the belief that I need someone else to help me achieve that. Even though I might miss them. But in the long run, maybe that's a good thing. As most times I've just gotten too close to the sun and burned myself on the words of hurt. If I let you, you would make me destroy myself. In order to survive you, I must first survive myself. What does it mean to change yourself? Is it something that can be described? Is it something internal? Who knows.
Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry, all forms of fear, are caused by too much future and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, greed, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness is caused by too much past and not enough presence. Finding that balance is something I've struggled with for so long. I feel as if it's killing me slowly, driving me insane. Countless sleepless nights, thinking about what COULD'VE been, what COULD be. All for what? Some personal satisfaction? Some feeling that I'm not worthless? Why would that matter. I would just be doing the same actions, just a slightly better feeling. So I ask myself. Is that worth it? Why should I strive for that if I can make myself feel that way. I just lack the motivation. Why? I couldn't tell you honestly. I have no idea how or WHY I feel in the first place. Why does anyone feel? Is it just a distraction? Are we even real? Mindless thoughts and questions plague my mind like a cascade of confusion. I must strike them down and begin anew. Even then, will that really be enough? If I make myself believe that I am happy even tho I am not, am I actually happy or just distracted. So I ask you. Is that really change?
I have come curiously close to the end, beneath my self indulgent, pitiful hole. Defeated I concede, move closer. I may find comfort here. I may find peace in the emptiness. I feel as if it's calling me. Giving off a warm inviting tone. Shrouding all the ground around me. Self control is a hard thing to master. I often have urges of leaving everything behind. And I often ask myself. WHATS WRONG WITH ME. I want to claw at my skin for the answers beneath the settlements of my thoughts. Before I end up pining away at some useless cause. It's like my mind can't help but make itself garrulously ramble on. I would like to find a distraction to this needless need for the emptiness. Ik it's a bad feeling, but it feels oh so good. Basking in the blank light rays. Must crucify this ego.
Before I Pine Away.
We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion. The words ever so splattered across my mind recently. I must celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing. Standing where I am is no more than a privilege, that most people seem to take for granted. I am ALIVE! Rejuvenating in the waters of my mind. Encased by this body that holds me. I shall no longer be tethered to this mortal plane. Spinning, weaving through each new experience. A chance to break away shows itself soon.
Reminds me of my own mortality.
Watch the weather change. Watch everything change around you. Change is a hard thing to process. Yet it is one of the most constant things. Change has happened a lot around me, but I'm still here giving blood, keeping faith. No loving embrace, no rewards to reap. Surely I would've quit this tedious path of change by now. No. I must keep reminding myself of this. Draining patience, draining vitality.
Gotta wait it out.
Steps to reaching Bearite enlightenment.
1. Shed your mistakes, Let go.
"If you carry the dust of what you leave behind, there will be room for nothing else."
2. One Day a week of no media consumption.
"One must be with themselves alone to understand who they truly are"
3. Learn forgiveness.
"You will go nowhere with hatred except deeper into that hole of despair"
4. Do not lie with sheep.
"Keeping those without your best interest will do nothing but harm your thoughts and your image"
5. Finally. Do not feel bad for your wants, but do not greed.
"The eye will give unto thee, as long as you stay faithful and true to yourself.
6. Remember you are loved.
"Loving embrace to see me through."
7. Try not to overthink.
"Heavy Is the head that falls with the weight of a thousand thoughts."
8. We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion.
"Experience this chance to be alive and breathing, it is merely a privilege."
9. Stay Patient.
"Gotta wait it out."
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