#what time does walmart close today

[sluttyten]

It was slow at work today right around the time that this round of DoJaeJung teaser photos were released so I caved and preordered

[6ft-under-beacon-hills]

Walmart Wolf — Isaac Lahey x Reader

summary: When you accidentally saw Isaac's wolf form, he began threatening you to keep quiet. Problem is, you don't really find him scary.

tags: slightly canon-divergent, usage of you, canon-typical (mild) description of violence.

———

"Right," You nodded, eyes focused on arranging your notes in the correct order before filing them. You slammed the file closed as you swung your bag onto one shoulder, heading to the hallway, pushing past Lahey.

"I mean it." He said, following you with ease. His long legs covered the distance between the two of you within a second.

You simply rolled your eyes.

"Say a word and you'll regret it." He added, now walking beside you.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." You waved a dismissive hand.

Which was a mistake, because now, he grabbed onto the wrist of that hand and dragged you into a corner. He leaned into your space, your breathes intermingled with one another as he growled, eyes glowing golden. He whispered, fangs visible with every move of his lips, "Tell someone and you'll find yourself torn apart."

You tried, actually really tried, to imagine what that would feel like. But when his sharp nails, no, his claws, slowly digging into your skin, all you could think was how good of back scratch he would give. So, you smiled, at the thought, though of course to him you were smiling at his threat.

He tilted his head, confusion riddled his face.

See, when he does things like that, how are you going to find him threatening. He looked like your old neighbour's puppy.

So adorable.

His eyebrows furrowed. "What. did. you. say?"

Oh shoot. Did I said that out loud?

He waited for a response, the grip on your wrist loosening by the seconds. You pulled your hand back, placing it atop your hip as the other shifted with the file's weight.

"You think you're so scary, but you are far from it." You started. "I've seen scary. Lived through it. Dismemberment is the least of my concerns, especially when it's coming from a Walmart version of a wolf."

Isaac stood still – his face morphing into something between offence and bewilderment – possibly stunned by the little rant you had. You took that as an opportunity to slip away, walking in the direction of AP Biology class that was about to start in five minutes.

You wondered if you could make it in time.

Then you wondered... if what you said was too mean..

Sparing a glance at the spot the two of you were standing a few moments ago, Isaac already gone, you shrugged as you considered that'd be a problem for the future-you to solve.

Right now, though, you had a test to take.

— • • •

You knew.

You didn't need to turn your head around to know that Isaac Lahey was glaring at you – um, well, at the back of your head. You had been sitting next to your classmates in the cafeteria, discussing on what to do for next week's group project, when all of a sudden all their focus seemed to shift from the notes on the table to something, or rather someone, behind you. One by one, either their eyes would flicker between you and him, or their words seemingly stuck in their throats every time they tried to elaborate on their points.

This won't do.

You politely dismissed the meeting, saying that "we've got everything mostly covered" and offering them an email-shared notes of today's discussion. Without wasting any time, each one of them rushed out of their seats, leaving you alone with the annoying pest that was you could practically hear fuming as he walked towards you.

"Walmart version of a wolf!?" He hissed, aggressively sliding into the seat in front of you. Though admittedly, no one can look terrifying when trying to slide onto a lunch table's bench.

"Hello, good afternoon, I'm doing fine, thank you for asking." You replied, annoyed with him for, in a way, causing the early dismissal of your group discussion.

"Cut that crap." He slammed a hand onto the table, but his pinky finger caught onto a nearby tray from your groupmate's lunch and he flailed about trying to ensure the cup and the plate won't spill onto him.

You bit back a scoff, though a small smile still found its way onto your face.

He shot you a glare. Typical, so you rolled your eyes at that.

"I am not a Walmart wolf." He spat, his fingers flat on the surface of the table. Now he looked like one of those halloween sales plushies of a standing wolf over a carved plastic pumpkin, frowning for some candies.

This time, you couldn't help it. You snorted. "Sure, you're not, buddy."

With that, you left him again with his own mix of offense and confusion. Those meeting notes were not going to write itself.

— • • •

Amongst your top ten list of what to expect this school year, settling into a routine of being threatened by a not-so-scary werewolf was not one of it. Though if you had to include that into a list of something, you would tuck it neatly in a catalogue labeled "to be resolved".

There were so many things you needed to resolve like the maths problem from week ten's class that you missed because of a flu, or high water bill even after carefully measuring the usage for a month, or what in Chemistry's classroom were allergic to because you kept sneezing whenever you were in it the past couple of weeks.

But Isaac Lahey's unimaginative threats grew increasingly in terms of priority.

His persistence not once faltering for the past month and if you were to be precise, it had been exactly 32 days and 4 hours since you discovered his wolf-y nature. So as expected, you found him striding through the hallway to you, that same scowl on his face... and a scarf on his neck? What's up with that scarf anyway? It was basically scorching hot outside.

He opened his mouth, perhaps to throw another one of those "I'll gut you with my claws" or "Rip your head of your neck with my teeth" nonsense, but you stopped him with a raise of a stern hand.

"If you have nothing new to say, then just shut up."

He stopped in his tracks, standing only a few feet away from you, crossing his arms across his chest as if to say, 'Oh yeah?'

His shenanigans did not go unnoticed by your peers; a few expressed their concerns for your safety (rumours has it he was the prime suspect of his father's death but if he's as bad as his threats and reputation, then you would've stopped breathing the moment you caught him), some tried to pry for information (you swore you would strangle the next person who asked if Lahey and you were dating), and most simply thought you formed some sort of friendship with the tall teen (which, at this point, was something you prefer over the unoriginal threats).

You figured he would throw a snarky comment when you began to turn around, but instead you were met with a question that had you scratching the back of your neck and looking at him straight in the eyes.

"Why aren't you ever scared?"

You thought for several moments, looking for all the right answers, unsure yourself why were you even taking the time to reply properly when all you had been doing was dismissing him (well, dismissing his threats).

So you looked at him once more, maybe hoping that he would be some sort of guide to you for your answers yet all you could see was all the reasons you were never scared.

Maybe those reasons were your answers.

You took a deep breath, checking the time with a quick motion. "How do you feel about pancakes?"

— • • •

This diner was certainly not the best diner the town could offer – its pastries always stale, the coffee too bitter, and you were sure that the old lady waitress was slower than a sloth – but it sure has the best pancakes that no other place in the town could beat.

You pour the maple syrup over the steaming pancakes, clearly freshly made in contrast to all of the other menu. Lahey fidgeted in his seat, possibly uncomfortable with the booth being too small for comfort but all the open space tables were filled with just off-duty cops, tired office workers and elderly couples who did not want to eat homemade dinner. The diner itself was not crowded with dozens of customers but the small space of the building made it seemed like it was always packed with people.

It was a typical slow day in a small room.

Lahey tapped the edge of the table with his fingers, head looking around, always shifting in his seat as if waiting for an ambush or a guaranteed-to-be-poorly-made crepe that he ordered earlier.

The crepe arrived seconds later, almost fully burnt, but he did not stop moving. So you concluded that he might thought that this was a trap, like he was just waiting for animal control to come in with a muzzle and big cage.

"Told you to order the pancakes." You cut through the tension.

"Why are we here?" He asked in return.

You placed down the fork and knife back onto the table, pancakes untouched.

"I'm sorry." You began, to which he scowled – clearly not understanding why you were apologising – but you continued nonetheless. "I shouldn't have said you were a Walmart version of a wolf."

He scoffed, leaning back against his seat.

"To be fair, you were really annoying the hell out of me with those incredibly mundane threats and I thought I'd strike one back." You shrugged.

He was ready to say something but you beat him to it.

"And rather than a Walmart wolf, I think you were a lot like a puppy. Specifically the one that my old neighbour had. Paired that vision with your clumsiness, gods, I don't think anyone with rationality would find you scary."

Whilst you had a habit of not thinking when going on a rant, you thought of this next sentence more often than you'd like and so you decided that he might as well hear it.

"On the contrary, I believe that anyone would find you cute."

For a second you thought his expression softened but you looked again and figured that was just the trick of the lightings — just like how the interior of the room made it seemed like he was blushing. He can't be, can he..?

Nah. No way.

After a long stretch of silence, the two of you locking eyes, he finally spoke. "So? What then? You'll run around telling people that I'm— I mean, about that, thinking they'll find it cute too?"

This time, you scoffed as you leaned back against your seat.

"Of course not." You laughed, though there was not a hint of joy in it, but more for sarcastic effect. "Think about it, Lahey. If I wanted to tell someone, and you know that I'm not scared of you, I would have done so weeks ago. Your business is yours to share. Just because I happened to stumble upon it, doesn't give me the right to publicly announce it."

What you said was something you thought to be common sense but from his reaction, you figured he was so used to the opposite – like he believed his privacy was made up of glass walls, anyone could look through it should they come across it.

You grabbed your utensils, cutting your pancakes in half before it turned soggy from the syrup. You gave half of it to Lahey, plopping it atop his charcoal-coloured crepe.

He mumbled something of a Thank You before digging in. The two of you enjoying the sweetness of a fluffy pancake for some time.

He finished his portion first, you noticed, then he wiped his mouth with a napkin before leaning into the table. Seemingly battling something within himself before he decided to speak again.

"So," He started, "What do you mean when you said "I've seen scary. Lived through it."?"

You raised an eyebrow, eating the last bit of the pancake in one smooth bite.

"Nu-uh," You shook your head as you dabbed the corner of your lips. "We're not that close yet, Lahey."

"Yet..?"

"Come on, Walmart Wolf." He scowled at that nickname, but you stood up anyway after leaving some money on the table for the food, a few extra five dollar bills for the tips.

It was sort of a good day, after all.

"It'd be boring if I just tell you my secrets. You've got to earn it."

It was right there, the 6ft something boy, hunched in a semi-circle booth, finally smiled. A wide, toothy grin that wrinkled the corner of his eyes.

That was the first of the many joyful things the two of you would begin to experience together.

———

a/n: i'd write a part two to this story if anyone's interested but for now i'll leave this open ended like this. tried my best to make the reader gender neutral as much as possible though.

[the-soliloquies-of-sadists]

#361

“Hey what’s going on?...  Yeah I recognize you.  You’re the cocksucker who knows how to take care of my fat hog.  You been up here for a while?  You get any loads?  Yeah this place has no cruising during the day.  Ever since they switched my schedule around, I am up here around 7:30 in the morning.  It’s been dead every time I stop.  I now only pull off to take a piss before heading back on the road; it’s the only good spot to do it.  I figured with me leaving the office three hours late that there would be some activity, some hungry boy needing some daddy dick….  Boy, I see you licking your lips.  You’re hungry for dad’s cock.  Aren’t you?  You remember where to go?...  Not, yet.  We are going to do it a little different today.  When you go to the other side of the truck, before you kneel in position, I want you to strip naked.  Naked means everything comes off including your glasses and watch.  Wait with your eyes closed and your mouth open.  I’ve got to make a call….

“...I spoke to dispatch, and I told them that I won’t be able to deliver this camper to them until well after closing.  We got plenty of time.  Keep your mouth open and your eyes shut.  Keep still….  Too bad I don’t have access to the keys to the camper.

“Ahhh. There we go….  I told you I had to take a piss.  It just needed a few moments.  I said keep your mouth open; when it fills, drink it down.  I want you covered in it.  Fuck yeah boy.

“You look natural down there.  Hell yeah.  You are going to smell like a fuck urinal.  My fucking urinal.  Damn!  You are covered!  And don’t you fucking insult me by wiping that off.  It’s to dry there. 

“I remember, you used to eat my ass.  It hasn’t been tongue scrubbed in a long time; most likely you were the last boy to do so.  Get in there.  It’s probably nasty back there.  Work called me in on my day off, and I left the house this morning without showering.  It’s probably real rank back there.

“Oh fuck! Your tongue does not care.  It feels so good.  You know how to treat a man’s asshole right.  Get that tongue in there. 

“Don’t worry.  I’m watching if anyone pulls off the highway.  Your focus should be on sucking yesterday’s sweat and musk from my ass crack. 

“You like eating dad’s hole?  I can tell.  I wish I had one of those toilet seats on legs.  You could slurp my ass for hours….  What?  In your trunk?  You have one in your trunk?...  You really are a whore.  Go get it. 

“No leave your clothes here.  Take your keys, I want to see you go across the lot naked….

“Fuck yeah boy!  Don’t cover your pecker.  Let it swing….

“…Hell yeah.  If it was up to me, you would be kept naked pretty much all the time.  Go on set it up right here on the asphalt.  In fact, I want you to lay in my piss puddle like a good little pig.  You really want my ass don’t you?

“Go on eat.  Tongue fuck me.  And leave your pecker alone.  You are here to satisfy my needs not yours.  In fact, reach up and play with my nips.

“Oh shit, an SUV is pulling in.  Stay put.  They can’t see you.  Fuck.  I knew it; as soon as I sat down…. Don’t move.  They appear to be turning around and pulling out.

“This probably isn’t the best thing to be doing right here.  What’s your schedule like for today?...  What about tomorrow?  So you are wide open.  Wanna ride with me to San Diego?  The company is paying for a motel.  I’ll fuck you all night.  I can cum multiple times. In between I’ll rest by sitting on your face. 

“There’s a 24-hour Walmart at the next exit.  We can store your car there.  Tomorrow afternoon, I’ll drop you off there with a stretched out hole and a belly full of piss and cum.

“You want to?...  Good.  Put that toilet seat on legs in the back.  But first.  I have to say.  I’m a demanding prick with a demanding prick.  I am in full control of both your holes.  I plan on using them without asking you first.  You come with me, you will be agreeing to that.  I don’t know if you remember how I fuck, but I go right to the root on the first thrust.  You better be lubed up and cleaned out.  Are you?... lubed up and cleaned out?  Good, good.  Let’s do this.  Get up…. 

“Where are you going?  Get back here.  Bend over.  Hold on to something.  I am not going to drive five hours all horned up with full balls, especially with a boy’s ass a few feet away from me.  Let’s get you loaded up.

“I thought you said you were lubed up.  Oh well, son, it’s your hole that’s going to bleed, not mine.”

[onceuponafosterkid]

Every now and then I am reminded how hard it is being an adult foster youth. I’m only 21, I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. This week was really hard. I got sick on Monday while I was at work, but I have this fear of letting people down so I toughed it out. I got home and I had a fever of 103. I took some Tylenol but I can’t afford groceries right now so I don’t have any cold medicine or anything. I took Tuesday off of work thinking I needed a day to just recover. I mean, I’m working full time, taking three classes one of which is a two and half hour in person class twice a week after work so I thought maybe I was overdoing it right? But I’m pushing myself physically to avoid what’s going on mentally and yes I’m in therapy I know that’s not good but it’s what’s keeping me alive for right now. Anyway I go back to work on Wednesday but I have a cough and a headache and I just don’t feel great but I already took a day off I don’t want to make my boss mad. After work I take an at home Covid test my foster mom gave me and it’s negative, so I go to urgent care because day three of having a fever that’s now reached 103.5 and I don’t know what’s wrong. Urgent care does a Covid test that I know is going to be negative because I just took one, and they send me home. So if they sent me home I must just be overthinking this right? Maybe it’s not that bad. But I can’t work until the fever is gone and nothing is making the fever come down the cough is triggering my asthma so on Friday my foster mom takes me to the ER and there I find out I have pneumonia. They rehydrate me because I have been unable to keep anything down and sweating so much that water does nothing for me, and they give some antibiotics and I’m able to go home while they send meds to the pharmacy and finally I’m feeling like it’ll be okay. But the Walgreens they sent the meds to is closed on weekends, and I’m not supposed to wait until Monday so I call and ask them to send it to a different location which I find out halfway through Saturday the pharmacy is actually closed. So I call back again and ask them to send it down the street to Walmart but then they never call in the meds. So I ask my foster mom to call them for me and ask them to send the meds because it’s almost Sunday and I’m starting to feel like crap again and the fever is gone but I can’t breathe and my inhaler is expired and they were supposed to send a new one. She called and they said they would send them and she said she’d pick them up so I spent today cleaning in preparation for feeling better once I get my meds and once I’m done cleaning I sit on my floor and I start crying because I feel so freaking alone. Which is stupid because my foster mom has been taking care of me this whole time, sending me food and taking me to the ER but I can’t help but feel guilty because it’s not her job anymore to take care of me and she’s got a family at home, six kids counting on her but I don’t have anyone else to go to for help. I’m 21, I’m single, my bio family has left me again and it’s just been a really long week you know? It’s not like I have friends I can’t talk to, I lost them all when the assault at Wendy’s happened so I’m just sitting here fucking crying because I’m tired and it sounds very stupid but I’ve realized that it’s nobody’s job to help me. I’m in this alone and usually I can pretend that doesn’t hurt but not this week, not right now. But that’s just what happens when you age out. You’re alone unless you can find people and apparently I’m not very good at finding other people and I don’t know why. Anyway, I just needed a moment I guess. I feel like 12 year old me sitting outside my cottage at residential wondering if I’ll always be alone. I wish I could tell her the answer is no, but at this point in time I don’t have the answer she needs so for now I’m just crying with her.

[jodilin65]

Before I begin this entry, I want to take a moment to thank my loyal and regular readers, whoever you are, wherever you are, and whatever your reasons are for reading me. I appreciate you, whether it's just random curiosity or genuine care about what's going on in my life, my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions, and my beliefs. My most devoted followers always put a smile on my face. For a while, I thought that being the only one commenting on some people's entries, who didn't comment on mine, was a sign they didn't really care. But isn't following me regularly a form of caring? Unless someone has entirely different reasons for following me that I can't begin to fathom, it does make me feel cared for and understood. Not that I'm lacking in those things, since I have a loving husband and a handful of good friends, some of whom I've met and some I haven't. Still, it's something I greatly appreciate.

Even more tired than yesterday. I was up for a long time. I suspect the Levo is ramping up. No breathing issues yet, though. Despite sleeping better than usual, I'm still pretty damn tired that I can't wait to get back on that CPAP!

Since the bulk of our lives seems to be spent doing other people's jobs for them (Walgreens billed the wrong insurance company, Walmart is still sneakily doubling items, and BK messed up our order), I'm going to have to call the pulmonologist to see if Rhonda faxed a referral to them. If not, then I have to call Rhonda to get her to do what I already asked her to do on the portal.

The health work doesn't end there. Not only do I need to get the pulmonologist scheduled, but they have challenges where you can get gift cards and things like that for doing certain health-related tasks. I'm hoping step tracking is one of them because that would certainly be easy. I'll check it out later.

Tom is going to be seeing his new doctor next week, and of course I'll be sleeping. Really could use a better mix of alone/together time! Anyway, he's going to see an Indian doctor. What a surprise, huh?

A quick Google search says the opposite of what the ENT said. It recommends a full-face mask and says that surgery is usually the first option to treat collapsed nasal valves. Like we agreed, though, we'll see if the OTC stuff helps first. No, I don't want to have surgery, and no, I don't want to cost us thousands of dollars. But if getting it done and having a rough recovery for a week or two is going to help, then so be it. I'd rather suffer for a month or less as I recover than for the rest of my life. Even though they would have to take a little bit of cartilage from my rib, further research suggests it wouldn't be nearly as rough as when I had my gallbladder removed.

The doctor did say that a nose mask that goes over the nose would not be good. It can actually put pressure on the outside of the nose and cause it to close up more rather than open.

The spray he called in for me is an antihistamine spray. That's to be used if the OTC spray arriving in the mail today doesn't work. 

It's amazing that if I were young again today, I would never need to go through the rough surgeries I endured to drill the canal. Now they have imaging that can look for any growths that may be present, which was part of why they drilled the canal, and all they would have to do is give me an anchor hearing aid. It's funny because he was worried that if I lost hearing in my good ear and had sudden deafness like Tom did in one of his ears, I would be deaf if I didn't do anything at all. But I would actually be quite thrilled if that happened, LOL.

Tom suspects it was mulberry trees making me sneeze in Phoenix. He said that when Phoenix really started building up, they planted those like crazy because they can take the heat.

I can barely take this cold, and I can also barely believe I'm in Florida! It's definitely going to be hard reacclimating to a colder climate, and I can only go so far with that as opposed to adjusting to heat. When I got up, I threw the temp up from 70° to 75°, and I'm still freezing. It's been dipping down into the upper 30s at night. Florida just shouldn't be that cold! At least it's keeping the bugs away and people quieter. We are going to be getting up to 69° today, though. It's been rollercoastering up and down.

The lady bits are feeling better… yes! No woman should have to be left in the dark like I was, only to be blindsided by all kinds of torture. I'm glad there are Facebook groups now, but still, doctors need to wake the fuck up. Nonetheless, I hope it stays this way. I don't want to get too excited yet. If I really had an infection, but the cranberry juice backed most of it off but not all of it, it could flare up again.

Went to Burger King yesterday, which was just so-so because the food was lukewarm by the time we got home with it, and they left out Tom's tater tots. Fortunately, I had just made a batch of mashed potatoes in the large cooker, so he had that, which he prefers anyway.

As we pulled into the driveway, I reached for the door handle, turned back, and that's when the vision happened. It only lasted for a split second. Because I question things more than most people, I asked myself over and over again if I could have imagined it, but I know I didn't. As a psychic, I know those feelings and what they mean. It wasn't like when I think of or envision something. Imagine looking at a computer monitor that's turned off and completely black. Then, for a split second, an image appears and then disappears. Well, that's the best way I can describe it. I saw our future "For Sale" sign along with the big crate—a shipping container like what we used to move from Phoenix to Maricopa. If this is as real as it seemed, then I'm going to get my energy restored, we're going to do better financially, we're going to ship our stuff back out west, and fly ourselves out there. Trying not to get too excited, LOL. I just don't know what state. I'm torn between California and New Mexico. I prefer to go to a state with Death with Dignity in case either of us ever gets incurable cancer which is available in both states. But New Mexico is higher in elevation, which means the Chihuahuan Desert is colder. Returning to the Sonoran Desert in California, however, means warmer temps, but then I don't get to add a new state to my list. Allergens and potential sonic boom areas are most important, though.

[cryptidsurveys]

Friday, October 4th, 2024.

Cattery? You're looking for the cattery? Sorry sir, no one here but us bats! ;D

Describe your most recent purchase: Various groceries and toiletries.

Did you enjoy the last movie you watched in theaters? I went to see Wild Robot with my mom on Wednesday. The trailer alone had me choking up during previous theater visits, so I knew I had to see it and I'm so glad I did. Out of all the movies we've gone to over the last year, that one has to be my favorite. Also, I've been thinking about how "children's movies" hit so much harder when you're an adult. Sure, as a child, I could understand the broad strokes of sadness, but now that I'm older and have lived something of a life, movies like that absolutely emotionally destroy me. Inside Out 2 had a big impact on me too, but that one was more like an intense therapy session.

If you make surveys, where’s the last place you saw a survey made by you on another person’s site? Sometimes I run across old surveys of mine while looking for something to take, but I don't stop to see how recently they were taken. Then there are surveys that make me think, "Hey, wait a minute. Did I make that, or--?" Some of the questions seem so familiar, like something I would ask, but then there are those few that make me doubtful. I took one just the other day that had me wondering, but I don't recall who I snagged it from.

Do you take the subway train often (if your city has one)? I've never taken a subway before. I guess the closest equivalent would be the trolly we took while visiting San Francisco.

What shoes did you wear today? Black and white slip-ons.

Does your sibling have a significant other? Last I knew, they do.

Have you ever cried at a real wedding? I think I might have cried a little at Steph and Shelly's wedding back in 2014.

How would you feel if a girl asked your boyfriend out for a drink? I'm not in a relationship. I'm also not a straight woman, so…I think a lot would depend on the context. Obviously, if there seemed to be a romantic/flirty connotation, then I wouldn't be comfortable with it.

Do you live in an apartment or a house? A house.

Do you use Skype? I've never used Skype.

What do your flip flops look like? N/a.

Any idea what you want for your next birthday? I don't really want anything gift-wise. I would love it if it was snowy, though.

Are there any gadgets of yours that need charging right now? There's nothing that needs charging, but the little thermometer on my desk needs new batteries.

What’s the name of your nearest grocery store? Big Lots has some groceries and I think Target has a small selection as well, but as for "real" grocery stores, Walmart and Vitamin Cottage are about equally close.

What do you use to remove makeup? I don't wear makeup.

Which awards show would you wanna go to the most (e.g Oscars, Grammys etc.)? None. That sort of thing doesn't interest me whatsoever.

Any idea what time you’ll be going to bed tonight? I'll most likely be in bed around 7:00pm, but I probably won't actually fall asleep until sometime closer to 8:00-9:00pm. Gotta continue working my way through a 6 1/2 hour Mythillogical Loch Ness Monster episode from The Histocrat.

Do you think George Clooney is hot? I'm kind of indifferent. I don't think he's ugly, though.

Have you ever participated in local magazine cover girl searches? No.

What colour is your keyboard? Black with white letters/etc.

Do you keep the plastic/paper/whatever bags after you buy stuff? We used to keep the plastic ones for kitty litter, but Walmart switched over to reusable bags some while ago, so we've just been using those instead (not for litter, lmao, but in general - just in case that wasn't clear).

Do you own any high waisted pants? No.

Do you know anyone who has two different coloured eyes? There was a kitty named Claire at the animal shelter who had two different colored eyes (one blue and one gold), but I've never met a person like that.

Do you wanna be a pirate or an elf? An elf. You'll never catch me sailing the high seas.

Have you ever purchased anything online? Yeah.

Gold or silver accessories? Gold.

Have you ever been called a skank/slut because of the way you dress? I don't think so.

Have you ever ridden an elephant? I might have when I was a baby. I have very vague memories of doing so, but I could be mistaken.

Are you a fan of acrylic nails? I was in the past. Or just longer nails in general. Now I work with my hands too much for them to be anything more than an annoyance/hindrance.

[thechatsmeouch]

i know i’m more of a fandom account but i was thinking last night about how far i’ve come with my contamination ocd, and i wanted to talk about some of the more “taboo” compulsions i had.

to add some context, i have drug based contamination ocd, (most prominent) so i typically obsess over there being drugs in my food, drinks, and anything i touch.

so without further ado, here are my compulsions that i no longer do, or do much less than i used to.

would not wipe after peeing, and would actively hold any bowel movements because of how afraid i was of there being drugs on my toilet paper

would not sit down on any toilet seat, at home or in public. (still won’t sit on most public toilet seats, i hover)

would not drink water

would not drink alcohol (still won’t)

would not eat anything that wasn’t made by myself or someone i trusted, and even then, most times would not eat (this caused me to lose 30lbs, and i had to explain to my psychiatrist that i WAS NOT anorexic, i was just terrified of eating)

would not go out in public without every square inch of my body covered in thick clothes, and close toed shoes (i was afraid someone would throw drugs on me)

would not sit on public benches

would not touch ANYTHING with my bare hands, i wore two sets of gloves at all times in public, and would still use my sleeves to touch things. i used my sleeves on everything in my own home as well.

would not shower or use soap, and would go as long as possible in between showers. i was convinced that there were drugs in the water and soap, even if i’d used them before with no problems

would wipe everything down with bleach wipes after grocery shopping (refused to go to walmart because it was “unsafe”, and had panic attacks/dissociation episodes every time i did go)

ironically wouldn’t wash hands unless necessary until i was comfortable with the soap

wouldn’t pet the dogs or cats if they’d been outside, or if someone “contaminated” touched them first

wore shoes and socks in the house no matter what (i had a pair of house sandals)

my ex who i lived with at the time brought drugs into the house (he knew i was terrified of them, and that’s a whole other can of worms) so i refused to go into his room or touch his doorknob for 3 months

would not brush my teeth, same reason as the soaps

would not eat anything processed (packaged, like fruit snacks, candies, chips, etc. i lived off of kraft mac and cheese and fries)

this is all i can think of off the top of my head, and as you can see, my biggest compulsion is avoidance. i suffered for only around a year before i was diagnosed and started exposure therapy through NOCD (genuinely an amazing experience and i highly recommend it to everyone with ocd or whoever thinks they have ocd, not sponsored obviously)

i was considered disabled. i could not work, or function properly, i was in a CONSTANT state of fight or flight, all day i was dissociated and felt completely unreal. i don’t perform most of these compulsions anymore, but there are some that still find their way back into my life. i still avoid certain foods, drinks, and other things.

what i hope someone can take away from this is that ocd does not always look like being a clean freak, or flipping light switches. i didn’t believe i had ocd because it didn’t present in the stereotypical way.

i believe so many people suffer from ocd and just don’t know it, so they end up making it worse for themselves and wonder why their entire life is filled with anxiety, and sometimes they choose to end their lives because of it. i know i considered it every day when i was starving, dehydrated and exhausted from the moment i woke up to the moment i fell asleep, and when i couldn’t even escape it in my dreams, i felt hopeless.

but there is hope. i would not be here today if i hadn’t gone through exposure therapy. i will always, always advocate for ocd therapy and recovery, and i will always point out misinformation and do my best to destigmatize ocd.

if you are struggling, please, please reach out. if you can afford therapy, DO IT! NOCD does virtual sessions, and you get a free consultation phone call. exposure therapy is the golden standard for ocd for a reason!

[travelingtheusa]

ARKANSAS

2024 Nov 1 (Fri) – A cold front has rolled in.  The temperature this morning was 51 degrees.  Brrrrrrrr!  We did laundry this morning.  Sheba has been having a hell of a time with constipation.  We have been giving her the stuff the vet gave us (laxatone).  It doesn’t seem to be working.  She gets in the box or outside and digs and digs and digs then squats but nothing is happening.  Finally, after a week of trying to go to the bathroom, she did it – ON OUR BED!  I get so mad when she does things like that.  She will leave a poop on the rug or one of the chairs around the RV.  We indulge her because she has such a hard time going to the bathroom.  At least the little turds are like rocks and don’t stain anything.  They are small and rock hard.  It must hurt just to pass them.  Until yesterday when she crapped on the bed.  Then it was loose.  Of course.  It was in a most inconvenient place.  Am I ranting?

      I called a couple of campgrounds and made reservations for after the Branson caravan.  I also called one of the campgrounds in Michigan to reserve 20 campsites for next year.  The clerk called and told me how much (it will be $115 a day for 4 days!).  I then called HQ and had Melissa call them with a credit card number.

      At noon, we drove to the town down the road and got fuel for tomorrow’s trip.  We stopped at what would pass for a strip mall where Paul got fuel, we had lunch, and we were able to pick up a few bottles of liquor.

2024 Oct 31 (Thu – Halloween) – A very powerful thunderstorm rolled through overnight.  The first thunder bolt hit like an explosion and woke me from a sound sleep.  It poured heavy for a while but lightened to slower rain by the time we got ready to leave.

      We pulled up stakes and got ready to go.  When I checked the lights, we had no brake lights or blinkers.  We pulled out of our campsite and parked over on the side.  Paul pondered the problem for about an hour.  He checked fuses, connections, and plugs.  Finally, he just cleaned the pins on the plug connecting the truck to the trailer (we had lights on the truck).  That gave us our lights back.  Given the rain, we did not want to get on the road without at least brake lights.

      We were finally on the road at 11 a.m.  It was a 4 hour drive through the Ozark mountains.  We pulled into a WalMart in the town before here to get some groceries.  The campground is not close to any towns.  We arrived at the Ozark View (also spelled Vue) RV Park in Omaha, AR, at 3:30 p.m.  The campground is laid out with 3 or 4 tiers cut into the side of the mountain.  We do have a great view of the valley below.  Unfortunately, there is very little color this year.  We have noticed that all across the country.  The fall colors just haven’t been that bright.  Most of the trees around here haven’t even turned color and those that have are composed mostly of brown leaves.  Very disappointing.

2024 Oct 30 (Wed – Caiden’s birthday) – Our grandson turned 11 today.  We gave him a laptop that can do animations.  He has a youtube channel where he is already creating animations.  I hope this launches him on a lucrative career.

      We drove to town this morning for breakfast at the Blackberry Café.  We saw it on our trolley ride yesterday.  The food was very good.  Then we walked to the trolley stop to see what time the trolley would come by, intending to ride it across the bridge to Little Rock proper.  It wouldn’t come for another 20 minutes.  Instead of waiting, we got in the truck and drove to the Historic Arkansas Museum.  We paid for a tour of historic buildings.  Back in the early 1900s, a woman campaigned to save 3 city blocks of original buildings.  She envisioned them staying as the city grew up around the area.  She was a good visionary!  Then we went into the museum and walked around.  All the displays were about the crafts people made, pictures they painted, and other artifacts they created.  It didn’t hold much interest for us.

      When done at that museum, we walked down the street to the Old State House Museum.  It was the first capitol building in the city.  Although it has 3 floors, we were only allowed to tour the first two.  There were very comprehensive storyboards that wound through various rooms telling the story of how the state of Arkansas got started and all the shenanigans that took place among the politicians.  When the building got too old and small, it was abandoned for a bigger building.  The old state house was used for several purposes, then just closed up.  The city finally did a renovation and opened it as a museum.

      We walked back to the truck and drove around.  For a capitol city, it seems very empty.  There is not a lot of traffic or activity, other than construction.  It looks like they are trying to fix the city up.  There are many old and crumbling buildings and the streets could use some smoothing out.  We never saw one homeless person.  Then we stopped at Wendy’s for lunch and returned home. 

      I-30 runs right through the city and it has been a major construction project for years.  It looks like they have just finished it.  The deck and roadway are brand new.  They are still working on cleaning up the entrance ramps. 

2024 Oct 29 (Tue) – We walked into town for lunch at Skinny J’s (it was about 3/4 of a mile).  It was an interesting place and the food was decent.  During our walk around, we saw a trolley (they call them streetcars).  Walking over to the information board, we saw that it was free and ran through both North Little Rock and Little Rock proper.  So we got on and rode the entire route.  The driver was very informative and told us about a lot of things around both towns.

       One of the interesting things was a large mural on the side of the building.  It was a picture of dogs.  When I asked about it, the driver said that North Little Rock was kind of a seedier side of town and the Little Rock people used to describe the area as Dogtown (meaning to be derogatory).  However, the north guys said, “Yeah, we like dogs.  We can be Dogtown.”  So they happily adopted the moniker.

      Another thing we saw on our ride around was a museum and the Old State House Museum.  We will go back there tomorrow.  Later this evening, we walked across the President Clinton River Bridge to see if we could get a nice picture of the sunset.  Sadly, all the buildings were in the way and there were no clouds to show the color.  Maybe tomorrow.

2024 Oct 28 (Mon) – We packed up and left Yazoo City, MS, at 9:25 a.m.  We had an uneventful 4-hour drive to North Little Rock.  We have stayed here at the Downtown Riverside RV Park.  Our campsite is right on the Arkansas River as a back-in with a full view out our back window.  We have FHU.  There is a laundry here.  We did not have to check in to the office upon arrival – our packet was in a pocket outside the office on the deck.  There are 5 bridges right here on this section of the river.  You can walk across two which used to be railroad bridges but have been converted to pedestrian bridges.  The one closest to us goes over to the William Clinton Presidential Library and Museum.

[ayshaley]

Here are the stores that are open and closed on New Year's Eve 2024

Read More: Link 1

Read More: Link 2

[the-firebird69]

Breakout 114 Softail Bikes

There are a few things going on today but he managed to get shopping done which is good. Close and he just got here just in time and he didn't do any fully around and people were in his way and it's a damn nightmare but there are people helping lot of people were helping even people who are doing the wrong thing kinda knew what they were doing they said it's much better and we are in receipt of several threats from Mac proper saying they don't wanna see it again and all this crap so we don't wanna hear from them they're pain these bikes are terror on the street if you're a regular person driving along and you're trying to get to work and they steam up on you in groups they're a nightmare. An accident with them you could be gone. You want to go through this stupid **** with these people again ever we do not want these kind of people around anyone any of ours they should not exist they're so crap crap crappy evil dumb and repressible people they make primings look good because they have a group mentality and these people barely have one. They're ugly and mean inside now and we mean the Mac property too. Match proper as well. They don't want to do anything or make any deals or coney wear or go anywhere they're very boring there's this huge plan and they're hardly running it and it is going very slow and it's behind and they're ugly and they're little gay boys it's just misery it really is a lot worse than people think and they don't have their stuff together and they're being blocked in and they think it's punishment when people just don't want them to run their plan so we're gonna go ahead and run our plan it's a parallel so they think they're winning and doing better. We are seeing some progress our son and daughter are correct the Baileys moisture is from items being put into the Yucatan by the Trump Stars they're about to be killed and the wind turns as normal it's not true I hope it works and a few people are in trouble they say so they're gonna go after Trump because you can't say that to them is what they say and they do hit him and he gets hit pretty bad now there are a lot of people who say that this guy's a weirdo and a pushover and he really is and our son was telling him get away from him it's like 4 or 5 characters in the Walmart 2 or 3 outside I mean he's a bum that guy spends all day changing uses up tons of power everybody sees him doing it and he's gonna get his **** kicked completely very soon they said and the Forman ranks to pull his feet out and they're all sick and it's just from going into their stashes and caches and not using helium and they're all gonna die because of that small indiscretion never even warned and we shouldn't have warned them and they didn't do it now we we have to get rid of them today is proof that they've just continuously acted like little juvenile criminals were very evil and murderous and that's what they are and they don't have any restraint or judgment it's time for them to go they've reached this point they weren't always this bad but now they are. I'm going to put the assessment up i'm going to do it as a group i'm going to have other people presented and going to decide what to do they're terrorists now they had too many nukes they're going to keep doing it we're going to get rid of them using everything. I am sick of it they're out. On him in office I don't want him as sheriff I want some people to come up with solutions our son and daughter exhausted they try to get rid of this guy every which way but Sunday. And they're young and they don't have as much experience as us what he says is just tackle him like we do the Mac proper but then they'll see it so his ideas are good start up these factories start up the beer companies and yeah the corn would give him the **** so he says not to do it and we agree the Hobson Barley hops and barley would probably not help them but if you make it right it won't give you the cramps. Most alcohol these days does we know how to do it and a couple beers are good stroes and Lowenbrough Elsinore is not and he's arguing with me and said Jesus is a bad guy but he's not really so I get what he's saying why is this beer good and what are you doing and it will be constant and on us and that's what we should be doing but then it won't be so we're gonna see why they're weird and why they aren't and then we're gonna get to it pretty soon. So we're gonna try that it's a good idea ohh it's to make duff and Elsinore they'll be like a cheaper version of Lowenbrough and duff would not be as cheap as Elsinore elsinore would be like a Mexican beer and they're not doing that bad down there people drinking 'cause sometimes they can't drink the water we're gonna get on it we're going to sell that beer and Hera wants to be involved How are you gonna start it off we can't use the characters or the likeness and she says ohh so gonna think about it.

Thor Freya

Olympus and we tried no others did and were found out. and  universal is a group and yes psuedo empire an d theraten us good need it now

we do adn we shall

Thor Freya

[wanihasa]

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[angelbluediary]

Oh my god. I am so drained. What an exhausting, emotionally combative day.

Today I drove M to the city for his doctor’s appointment since our parents are both working again. We left at 12:30. During the appointment I saw messages from Anne and she’s upset with me for my latest disappearance. Says she needed me and that I hurt her by not being there when she could have used my support.

(She could have texted or called and I would have seen those but regardless).

There are 2 people in this world I consider myself very close to. My brother. And Anne. And only because Anne has always understood and dealt easily with my need to up and vanish sometimes. It’s not like I’m ignoring her—though to be perfectly honest, sometimes I need to for my mental health—I just can’t interact with the world. I get totally burnt out on everything and everyone and I retreat so deeply into myself. We have joked before that I’m like a feral neighborhood cat who you’re excited to see pop up but never expect to come back at a certain time. That freedom; that permission feels like love to me. And she revoked it because I didn’t think to message her back on discord when I was in a depressive spiral.

And to be fair, yeah, it was a long lasting one. I shut everyone out. I don’t expect everyone to be cool with it. I’ll never hound someone to be good with it, to forgive me, to keep letting me back in. This is who I am now. This is what I need now. Does it sound like I’m making excuses? I am trying to be accountable for behavior patterns I have no hope of changing anytime soon or even want to.

Anyway. All this just to say, I have lost a vital safe space today but I’m trying not to make it about me because when you’re the avoidant friend, the depressed friend who “always does this/she’s just like that,” how can it not be your fault, right? That’s what I think I should feel, at least. That this is my fault. That I should take accountability. So I’m trying to, without folding over and making myself a door mat, and without begging for forgiveness and friendship.

But the truth is that I’m hurt now. It’s always been fine before. And something ugly in me, that age-old jealousy, rears its head in defense, because don’t you have a million and one support systems? Aren’t you surrounded by friends and family and a lover? Aren’t you living on your own in a nice big house fully decorated to your liking? Isn’t money a non-issue for you? Don’t you have all these fun life experiences and go out to incredible events all the time, isn’t your life steadily moving forward and rewarding you at every turn with the fruits of your labor??

I’ve counted on 2 people I can turn to for years and I’m not afraid to snuff out one of those stars. I would rather feel alone than ever feel guilty in someone else’s presence again.

I don’t want to talk to her now and it’s so much worse than before when I simply felt self conscious about going MIA.

Anyway.

Back home after 6. Before I’m even given a chance to sit and unwind, to sip some water and just breathe, my mom wants to talk about money.

On Monday, I’d picked up Walmart groceries that my parents placed on their credit card. The morning of, they canceled a few items they didn’t have in stock. I went out again on Tuesday to get those items—dinner food for everyone. I picked up cookie dough. I added up the amount for family items, subtracted the cookie dough, then subtracted more. It was around $20, I Venmo requested $11 from my dad.

And my parents did not like that.

It was seen as me being entitled, ungrateful, selfish. The conversation between my mom and I quickly got heated, as per usual, because she just comes out the gate twisting the knife. And then denied that she ever compares me to my siblings when she literally just had in the previous moment but the exact words had dissolved almost instantly, I always struggle to take in what’s being said in the moment once I’m in a place of deep hurt, and then she looks at me like I’m stupid when I can’t quote her right then and there.

She kept pointing out that they give me everything they can and I don’t have to pay rent or food or for pads or essential things I absolutely need. She even presented a theoretical situation about me doing all this for a friend who was down on their luck and wouldn’t I be offended if they requested $11 from me for some groceries?

I had to swallow my anger and say “yes.” I knew I had to defuse and pivot. But all I wanted to do was scream “I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND. I AM YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOU PROMISED ME REPEATEDLY THAT I COULD REST HERE AND BE TAKEN CARE OF AND I HAVE NOTHING TO MY NAME.”

They do not see the things I do, things that my siblings do NOT do, as anything special. Sacrificing whole days to my siblings’ needs, to my parents’, cooking, cleaning, performing all these tasks that I take genuine pride in because I feel like it makes me USEFUL AND NOT HATED HERE and then it all turns out to be for nothing!!!! They simply expect it of me because I was born first!!!!!!!!!

Oh what the fuck I just typed so much and it fucking deleted it out of nowhere . FUCK.

I should note that the conversation with my mom ended okay. She kept reaffirming that she loves me, how special I am to her, that knowing I don’t have money changes the situation in her eyes (it hurts that she automatically assumed I feel entitled to their cash). Hugs and kisses. But the whole time I was standing in front of her, I made a solemn vow with myself to not accept their handouts anymore. I cannot fucking stand anyone lording anything over me. R and his family. My family. I hate being dependent on others. Being pulled every which way, never being able to measure up. I feel torn apart. I feel empty. Every time, EVERY TIME I get comfortable here and start feeling like I can take a little more, like my siblings do, it comes back to bite me. When I stop thinking about what I owe to others and how carefully I must hold myself in check —

If I am not a burden, why would she keep dangling the terms of them letting me move back in over my head?

I have to get out. I have to support myself and rely on no one else. I have to be so secure I’m not fighting to make it month to month but can see to the horizon of my future, can see at least how I’ll get through the year realistically. I can’t take this. I need to be so far away. From everyone. Let no one look at me. Let no one touch me. If it weren’t for the lack of rent money and the everyday screaming and commotion in my coastal 1 bedroom, that would have been the happiest time of my entire life. Still certainly the freest. And I ache for it again.

Since it is M’s birthday I cannot lay here and brood all evening. His bf will be here soon with his mom and we’ll all eat dinner and cut cake and open presents and celebrate. My mom will try to stand close to me, maybe put her arm around me. I often think I should mature in those moments right then and there, get over all my bubbling bitterness, because one day I’ll long for those touches and these moments. But there’s so much hurt in me. I feel like I’m drowning in it. I can pretend it’s not there and sometimes even forget about it but it never goes away or gets better. I’m choking: I’m drowning. Again and again like all these wounds are fresh.

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2015 Might not finish this entry today, but to get started… I began to panic when Tom started to take off by himself to go to Walmart, so I stopped him and went with him. I guess I felt it was too soon to be left alone after Friday’s attack.

So we went out and didn’t have any close calls on the road like yesterday when some bitch in a Mercedes pulled out in front of us. Luxury cars are great at stopping fast, even at 12 years old.

I got Click My Hyperpink Megalast lipstick by Wet-n-Wild and it’s definitely hard to get off just like that girl said. It looks great, and lasts long, but is a bit dry and stiff, so I have to go over it with lip balm. I hate my lips overall, though. Too narrow, too thin.

Meanwhile, the first toilet is installed! It took almost 2.5 hours, and I didn’t even panic when he left me alone to go get longer hoses after I TOLD him 12” would be too short since these are taller toilets. Sometimes his wife really does know best.

Lifting toilets that weigh nearly as much as I do isn’t easy, but yes, I’m doing nearly as much work as he is. It definitely takes longer to pull the old one out than to get the new one in. The hardest part is setting the new one down because you don’t want to disturb the wax ring or the silicone along the base, yet you also want to set it down straight. We’re about to install the master bath toilet, so more details to come later!

Later…

Both our 32-year-old giant toilets that flushed super slow and took forever to fill are now gone. History!

I assisted with gathering tools as he needed them… Allen wrenches, crescent wrenches and a hacksaw to try to cut through the rotted bolt holding the tank to the toilet, but it just wouldn’t let go. He had to carry out both toilets as a whole using a dolly.

I thought it would stink like hell when the hole in the floor was opened but it didn’t. Actually, the silicone he applied around the base of the toilet stunk more.

They also don’t flush when you stand up like I thought they did. You have to wave your hand within 3 inches of a button on the side of the tank. It has 4 AA batteries and should last at least a year. The button has a blue light when it’s activated that glows red when the batteries get weak, and a small gray knob to do a manual flush. What’s amazing is how FAST they flush! The old ones flushed slower than I’d ever seen any other toilet flush. Even Andy said he’d never seen a toilet flush like that when he visited nearly a year ago. It took so long that sometimes it had to be flushed twice just to get the toilet paper down. These flush in just two seconds and fill up much faster. They don’t flush any louder than regular toilets, as Andy asked. Toilets only flush super loud when there’s no tank, like in public bathrooms.

I like that you have to wave the button to flush it rather than have it flush when you stand up because then every time we went near it the thing would flush.

I’ll go ahead and post this tonight, but pictures and other details have to wait. We’re just so beat. He’s already gone to bed.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2015 Very long, busy day, so I’m gonna update as quickly as I can as I’m getting a bit tired.

Had blood drawn yesterday and the nice Asian guy had to use a butterfly needle on my tiny veins. Wondering if skipping my meds last Sunday is going to really affect the numbers all that much or not. I hope not, or else I’ll have to explain that I skipped that day, but will probably just say I “forgot.”

I totally dread seeing her next Tuesday! What has to be said in person that can’t be said online or over the phone? I want to go back to 75 for now and that’s that. End of story. I like the woman, she’s fairly attractive for her age, she’s intelligent, but she also has a very commanding and somewhat intimidating personality. I know my body. Again, she may be the expert, but I know what’s normal for me to feel and what’s not, and I know I feel like shit on anything over 75. I’ll just tell her this and that I can always try 88’s again later on and see what happens, and hope she’ll be willing to consider how I feel and not her numbers (not that 10.61 was that bad anyway) and hope she’ll leave it at that. Some doctors have an all-or-nothing attitude where you either do as they say, or they won’t see you. I’m not refusing the meds altogether; I just can’t stay on a dose that makes me feel like I’m gonna die on and off. I just really hope I’m not going to have the hassle of having to find a new endo, even if one that’s closer would be convenient.

Either way, it’s been an overall good day health-wise. I felt a little questionable a couple of times where I thought my heart was going to race and as if it was thumping a little too hard, but nothing serious. It was probably just because I was standing out in the bright sunlight for a while and was dressed a bit warmly. My pulse was a little over 100 today like it was the day before yesterday. During the medication attack, it probably shot up to 140.

We first went treasure hunting at Goodwill. I got a small cute doll and a cat figurine for less than 2 bucks. He browsed the electronics, as usual, but didn’t find anything interesting.

Then we hit Carl’s Jr. I loved the girl’s lipstick that took our order, though that particular color would probably look like shit on me. It was very vivid and even and she said it doesn’t wipe off. It’s Wet-n-Wild’s Megalast. Looked it up on Amazon. Kinda like Pinkerbell.

Anyway, we got two deluxe motion-censored toilets with easy-to-clean bases that oughta be way cool. They’re American Standards and they’re supposed to have great flushing power because of the size of the hole that fills the tanks faster and all that. The only thing that sucked was that sure enough, a piece on the tank was broken and we had to return it. They were kind enough to switch it out for us, rather than tell us to return it for a full refund like Home Depot did, and then buy all-new ones.

We were going to get basic toilets for $100 each, but then realized it’s not like we do this every year or even every few years, so we might as well go all out. It’s going to cost close to $500 after the rebates, but should be well worth it for the 12-30 years we may be using them for. Wish us luck with tomorrow’s installation!

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2015 I have both great and shitty news. The great news is that my wonderful endo messaged me online to inform me that my thyroid numbers are now perfect. Perfect! My TSH is 3.71 and my T4 is 1.3.

She also let me know that they would retest me to check for accumulation but that she has labs ordered anytime I need them before our scheduled December test/appointment. Lastly, if my symptoms worsen, go to the lab and come see her sooner.

Well, yesterday I had mild tightness in the lungs and mild anxiety, but today’s the day it really got me, booming heart and all. As always, I was batshit terrified. No wonder I thought I was going to die the first time I experienced this and didn’t know why. It is the most scariest and miserable feeling I have ever experienced. I would rather have the worst period cramps in the world, puke my guts out, gain 50 pounds, and have all my teeth pulled at once.

I felt anxiety well up within me, then I felt warm and my heart started racing/booming, along with the other symptoms of lung tightness, the runs, low appetite, a little weight loss (despite not watching my calories or working out the last few days) and jitteriness. My legs felt like rubber and I could barely type the message I sent to my doc or Skype Tom.

I’m now virtually certain that the tightness is not something in the air and the IF diet isn’t what triggered my anxiety. I’m also sure there’s no way I can continue on this dose, perfect numbers or not. I’m going to have to dive back to 75s and try again in six months to a year or so. Sometimes the second time’s the charm for me. It was with the 75s and with endo docs, after all. I swear the more I learn from her, the more I realize just how much information my old doctor withheld from me.

I won’t be able to get in to see my doctor until November 3, but I am going to the lab today when Tom gets home from work. I was so terrified earlier that I almost had him come home. I’m surprised I started feeling better as fast as I did because it usually takes time to recover from this sort of thing, but this time around I was armed with lorazepam and a doctor who actually gives a shit. I didn’t have to resort to the beta-blocker, though.

I don’t know if it was caused by a pocket flare within the gland or what, but I just know I don’t ever want to go through this shit again. But it seems I do whenever my numbers dip below 8 or so. I would still rather be a little hypo than suffer. I respect the fact that the doctor thinks this is the right dose for me, and while it might be the right dose number-wise, it’s not the right dose for how I feel. I could kick myself for agreeing to go to the 88s when I had been feeling so good on the 75s. Again, maybe we’ll try again in the future.

Will write more later when I’m not as busy and not as rattled.

Later…

Doing another entry now because I expect to be busy over the next few days. We’re going to be picking up the toilets tomorrow and installing them on Saturday, and NaNoWriMo starts on Sunday. Still feeling stable after this morning’s terrifying scare, but worried it’ll get me again at any moment. It’s random and unpredictable.

Here’s a health update on Tom. He went to his doctor yesterday and he got right in in no time at all. As he said, he’s Middle Eastern so no one wants to see him. Female doctors are definitely way more sought out the male doctors, especially American ones because nobody wants to deal with the funky accents of foreigners that can be very hard to understand. As for me… while I do prefer females, as long as I can understand them and they know what they’re doing, any color or race will do.

His blood pressure is up even more so his doctor doubled the dose of this medication. This medication (I forget the name of it but it’s a very standard drug) doesn’t make him cough nearly as much as the stuff he was on before. It’s a diuretic so it should help the swelling in his feet.

I asked him why he has high blood pressure and he told me it’s because he has a family history of it, is obese, and isn’t getting enough exercise. He sits at the computer all day at work and then he works such long hours that when he finally gets home he has no energy left for working out. He just wants to eat, watch his show, and go to bed.

He’s determined to change this and lose 30 pounds before the trip. I’m the last one who would ever condemn, pick on, or discriminate against heavy people. Some people truly can’t help it, especially if they’re older or have certain medical conditions. But I’m all for him taking steps to a healthier him. Now that I know the IF diet wasn’t causing my anxiety (I figured as much) I may even eventually lose 20-30 pounds if I can, just not right now. One thing at a time. First I have to get my medication regulated so I don’t have the “heart attacks” from hell. It’s not as critical for me anyway because I’m just overweight whereas he’s obese.

He’s going to work on getting his passport next month, and next month we should definitely have vacation dates.

Marie happened to catch me on Facebook yesterday, which I use more for messaging than anything else, and she was going crazy due to her situation. I figured it was girl problems. I’m just glad I was there for her because she’s been there for me in the past. I guess Lori gets a little touchy-feely with men and she doesn’t exactly like it. I told her that no relationship is perfect so if she’s just flirting and not actually acting on any of her attractions/fantasies – which we all have – then I wouldn’t call it quits. As she said, Lori is really sweet otherwise. Besides, she’s not getting any younger, and she herself said she doesn’t want to die alone.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2015 Not much to say today. Tom’s got an appointment with his PCP and I’m still waiting for my thyroid numbers to be posted online.

Still doing my experiment too, to try to isolate the main cause of what was making me anxious. At this point, I’m still leaning toward the dosage increase, regardless of what the numbers may say, but will know for sure around mid-November. I’m skipping Sundays for 3 weeks, then I’ll go back to 88s every day. I want to see if it backs off by skipping (and so far it has), then returns when I’m on 88s daily. The IF diet may still have had a hand in it, but probably not much of one.

My lung tightness was minimal yesterday and I made sure I didn’t burn any incense. As Tom said, all it takes is one new ingredient I may be allergic to to have a negative effect on me. As much as I’ll miss it, once what I’ve got left is burned up, that’s it. No more. I don’t want it staining our beautiful new chandelier or other things. Smoke is smoke be it from cigarettes, incense or something else. I’ll still have the wax warmers.

I finally mapped out basic plots to 5 short stories for NaNoWriMo in which each story will be about 10K words.

Also, I finished categorizing thousands of pictures I’ve saved from around the web and am arranging boards on Pinterest. Then I’ll back up to Facebook and Amazon’s cloud.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2015 Got through yesterday without tightness or anxiety. Today I feel a bit tight, though, and again I’m not sure what to make of it. I just hope it’s something in the air that will pass soon enough and isn’t connected to my medication. It’s supposed to be cloudy today and rainy tomorrow. Hopefully, it really will rain and that will cleanse the air a bit.

Today I have been keeping a journal for 28 years! Not bad, huh?

I dreamed I was in jail (I don’t know why) and went off on one of the guards for some reason. She had been yelling at me and I shouted back about doing the best I could or something like that. Then I wrote a letter to Tammy.

Then I was watching TV somewhere and a news report said some woman who shot someone in self-defense wouldn’t be charged as she was left to pick up all her scattered possessions in some field somewhere.

Then I got a text message or voice message from Paula to which I replied by asking her if she’d be ok with spending just a couple of days out here and not half a month. I doubt I’ll ever hear from her again, though, and personally, I don’t want to any more than I want to hear from Nane. I looked in on Nane's latest travel pics in real life and she still looks good, but the longer I go without hearing from her, the less I miss her. She was just too judgmental. People that bash fatties, then bash you for bashing violent groups of people is no one I wish to associate with.

In another dream, Tom had brought some bottles in to be recycled and he complained that loud music was blaring all around him every time he did. We were standing by the car as he told me this and I looked up and found an umbrella floating high above the car that was tied to the back bumper like a helium balloon.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2015 Going about my business while embracing myself for the inevitable storm to come. Sooner or later the anxiety will bite, my lungs will tighten up, and on top of that, I’m sure someone around here will annoy the shit out of me with their noise. If the tightness is due to something in the air, though, as Tom suspects, then why is this the first fall that I’ve experienced it?

I’m trying to think positive and hope for the best as hard as it is. I’m doing a test where I skip my meds every Sunday for 3 weeks. This will put me back down around 75 mcg. If the anxiety subsides, then it was likely that 88s were just a bit much for me. I will then ask my doctor to put me back down to 75 and try again at a later date to do the 88s. Sometimes the second time around works out. It did with the 75s. Meanwhile, my lab numbers should be posted soon too, but regardless of with they may say, it’s how I feel that counts.

I felt well during most of yesterday and became a bit anxious and tight toward the end of my day at which time I took a lorazepam.

We ate at Denny’s and went to Walgreens afterward. There I found a dual Chapstick, something I’ve never seen before. One side is banana and the other is strawberry.

For just a couple of bucks each, I got body mist in a pink glitter bottle and one in a purple glitter bottle. The bottles look nicer than the sugarplum and strawberry scents smell. It’s like the smell has been watered down or something. It barely smells.

Got a headband with clear gems and a similar-looking barrette wide enough to gather my thick hair. It’s not as thick as it used to be, but it’s still kinda thick.

Got pink glitter duck tape that was to be strung across metal bands we were going to string across the couch and dresser legs to keep Roomba from getting stuck under there, but then Tom read that all we have to do is just glue little knobs on top of it. So now I have all this beautiful tape, but nothing to tape, LOL.

After we came back home we took the bikes out and it was after that that I started to feel bad. So just maybe there is something out there. We’re skipping our morning ride today. I’ll hit the treadmill instead.

We decided that rather than get taller oval toilets with an overflow system, we’d just get shorter round toilets like what Jesse had. Our toilets seldom overflow anyway.

I asked Tom if he thought we stood a chance of ever moving to Hawaii and said that I didn’t think we ever would because all we could probably afford was attached living. Well, even if we were all on one floor with concrete foundations where you couldn’t feel the vibration of heavy footsteps, we’d still get the blasting TVs and other things that you don’t hear in houses. Old folks love to blast their TVs, and if there were cabinets along the dividing wall, you’d hear those being closed too. Unless there was a firewall between the units, of course.

I lived in a couple of different 4-story brick buildings back east, a common apartment set up there, and never heard these two sisters whose place ran alongside my kitchen and bedroom. That was because of the brick firewall between us. Meanwhile, I could hear the lady on the other side of me playing the radio that sat on her kitchen counter from two rooms away.

What was funny was the point he made in his response. He said, “I can’t possibly know what the future holds. Had someone once asked me if I’d ever move to Oregon, I’d have said probably not. If someone told me I’d drive a Cadillac someday, I’d have doubted that, too.”

LOL, I’d never have guessed I’d leave New England, learn so many languages, quit smoking, be happily married for so long, share my journal online for all the world to see, or publish books even if I didn’t make shit doing it, etc.

A large boat “crashed” ashore in my dreams last night, though I don’t know what beach I was on. It struck me that that was just how those kinds of boats “docked,” and I watched as people began to trickle off the boat.

Then Tom and I moved into a strange house that was in the shape of a long L. Its long corridors and polished floors suggested it might have once been used as a non-residential building. Tom’s bedroom was at the very end of the long part of the L, toward the left. Mine was further up the hall on the right. I was standing in the doorway of his bedroom where he was trying to sort blankets that were twisted around him in his twin-size bed as he readied himself for sleep. I asked him if he wanted me to close his door, saying I didn’t care if it was left open or not, but I needed to know so I could be sure the rats didn’t wander in there.

Then I ran up the hallway, shoes echoing off the painted brick walls, past my bedroom where my sound machine softly played white noise, and over to the rats’ cage on the left, straight across from the short end of the L in which the kitchen and then the living room were located.

In the last dream, I might have been in a therapist’s office. The woman, whoever she was, told Tom, who sat next to me, that when I called it “home” and not just “where we live,” I would then be in the right place.

The dream therapist then asked me to close my eyes, visualize myself in a nice place, and then describe it to her.

“I’m floating on a cloud,” I said. “Only that cloud is the ocean. I think it’s in Hawaii. There’s so much color all around me. So many pink flowers.”

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2015 Just when I thought my endo was going to blow me off, especially being a Saturday, I received a message from her confirming the lab for both yesterday as well as the week before I see her in December. So I’m back to loving Doc O again, just not her location, LOL.

As soon as I got the message, we got me to the lab and I not only didn’t have to wait long, but Kylie was my vamp for the second time. She always gets my tiny little veins on the first try.

It turns out she was Doc O’s patient as a kid before Doc O started seeing adults only. She liked her a lot, saying she was the only one that seemed to really care. I agree. I’m just not sure she always gets just how much a dosage increase really does affect my anxiety levels. I know levothyroxine is the same thyroid hormone our bodies are supposed to make anyway, but for some reason, normal or not, an increase seems to be a bit of a shock to my system. The extreme dieting may have had a hand in it, but dieting has never affected me to this degree while this medication has. I’m still leaning towards the medication as the main culprit.

Until it gets close to my next lab check-in, I’ve decided to skip the meds once a week to lower my levels just a teeny bit (this will almost put me back to 75 mcg) until I feel better. The anxiety has been coming and going. I’ll have a day without it and then I’ll feel anxious, and back and forth and back and forth… I’m not going to tell her that I’m skipping, of course.

It was great to be able to grab a bite to eat and have my coffee the instant I got up, just like old times. It sure would be nice to be able to have my coffee as soon as I got up on vacation so we could get going sooner, but I can’t go a whole week without it. I would feel horrible as my body began to crash. This can take months to recover from, too. I passed the point of no return a long time ago. Just a short break from this medication and I feel like shit, gain a million pounds that never comes back off, and retain enough water to solve all our drought problems.

I’m going to have mixed emotions if my numbers turn out okay. If it were the medication, it would be simple enough to adjust the dose. If it’s not, I may wonder if the diet really did screw up everything. I started the IF diet around the 8th of October. It was on the 13th that the anxiety kicked in. Seems a bit long if it was the diet. Shouldn’t I have felt anxious that day or at least the next day? I still think it’s the medication which means that after I’ve had time to adjust I can one day attempt the IF diet again since it works so well. I will probably wait until after our vacation.

Maybe the numbers don’t have to be bad, though, to make me a little anxious. Or maybe I have simply developed an anxiety disorder after last year’s trauma. I just don’t know for sure and not knowing is what makes it frustrating.

Receiving broken toilets is also frustrating. We were going to install them today, but when Tom pulled one out of its box yesterday he noticed it was broken. He called Home Depot and they said they wouldn’t replace it. Instead, he had to bring it in for a full refund and buy another one. Not trusting that the second toilet didn’t have cracks in it, he returned them both for a full refund and on Wednesday he’s going to go to Lowe’s for replacements. Hopefully, we’ll install them on his next three-day weekend.

Last night I had ratty dreams, but don’t remember much about them.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2015 Bob’s back to being loud and distracting. Yesterday he was hammering something at the lower side of his garage door. The only thing I can guess that’s in that area might be the gutter. My first thought was, great, he’s going to keep me up all day. But I didn’t hear anything when I got into bed. Either the sound machine did a good job of blocking him out or he stopped. Still, how many weeks is this new project going to take? I’m tired of having one of the noisiest people in the park being right next to us. Just totally sick of the computerless, restless outdoor neighbor who never wants to be indoors. The only thing this guy doesn’t have that Jesse had is the motorcycle and mutts.

Sure enough, the doctor didn’t confirm that it would be okay to go to the lab on Saturday, as I asked her to, and if she still wanted me to go to the lab the week before I saw her as originally planned. I'm sorry, but there's no excuse for this and I don't care how many patients she has. This may not be a matter of life or death, but she - or someone - should be able to handle that much. Her not having time to respond to my second to last message, as I was told by the nurse I spoke to, is no excuse either. If she had the time to read it, she could’ve jotted down a quick reply. Her answer didn’t require much thought let alone a novel. I mean what’s the point of the portal if you’re not going to use it?

Maybe the negative feelings I sensed in her the last time around weren’t in my imagination after all. It was nothing she said but just something I sensed like a dog senses fear. It was in her body language and while she may have a bit of a commanding personality no matter what and she might have just been having a bad day, I really think she dislikes me and doesn’t have much tolerance for dealing with anxious people.

She may be knowledgeable and she may be sorry that I was traumatized last year, but could it be time to look for a new endo? I have been considering it regardless because she is just too long of a stressful drive, and the valet parking is a real nightmare.

In last night’s dream, I had just woken up in the late afternoon. I stumbled into the living room with a yawn where half a dozen people stood waiting for me. I muttered something like, “Sorry. Been working graves online. Government project.”

Then I noticed one person was a woman wearing a long fancy gown which I complimented.

Next, I was back in the bedroom where the radio was playing and a new song came on that I liked. As I listened to it I looked at the window before me and noticed that the curtains were fading. Then the bedroom melted away and I was in a pool with some guy and what I assumed was his daughter who was in her late teens or early 20s. The water was cold at first but then it felt nice. Sitting on a nearby lounge was a naked girl of about eight years old. Ignoring the odd sight, I turned back to what was probably her older sister and said, “New curtains are definitely in order for the bedroom.”

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2015 After my last entry, my anxiety picked up to the point that I took a lorazepam, and even my stomach decided to get in on the action. I had the runs. So after having to be redirected FOUR times to endocrinology, I got a hold of a nurse who said the doctor had read my message but hadn’t had a chance to respond as of yet. Hadn’t had a chance? But I left the messages days ago and they usually say just 1-2 business days to get back to you. That’s how it usually is anyway.

When I got up there was a message from Chris saying that the doctor contacted me online and that I didn’t have to call her back. So I picked up the doctor’s message, and she still doesn’t seem to think that the dosage increase is affecting my anxiety, from what I understand, though she says extra labs can be done. At least I think that’s what she’s saying. I asked her to confirm that it would be okay to go Saturday to the lab and if she still wanted me to go to the lab the week before I see her as originally planned.

She also mentioned seeing my PCP. Not sure why, but I already have an appointment scheduled with her for early December.

Regardless, she may be an expert, but I know my body. I’m not saying it’s 100% responsible, but I really believe it’s got a definite hand in it. The timing is just too coincidental. I was right the first time around, so why would I be wrong now? I’m sure worrying about it doesn’t help either, but when they get me close to normal it does seem to affect my anxiety.

But fine. I’ll continue the 88s as she advised, I’ll go to the labs, and we’ll see what the numbers say. Worst case scenario, I can just skip one day a week and that’ll put me back to 75s. If the numbers are too high I’ll just tell her I may occasionally “forget” to take it.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2015 Tom upgraded to Mac’s El Capitan, but I’m still using Yosemite. El Cap just doesn’t seem to have any new and exciting features I really need. What would be nice would be if Firefox wasn’t so damn slow, but since it has more features I need, I’m kind of stuck with it for now.

No anxiety yesterday. My heart did race me awake, though, and today I’m borderline anxious but it’s backing off. Really starting to wonder just what the fuck it is I ever did to deserve this on-and-off suffering I’ve been going through for over a year now. As soon as I think I’m over it for good, back it comes. I’ll give it a few more days and see how I feel. I might call the doctor’s office on Friday or Monday. The wacky diet may have had a big hand in my anxiety, but I can’t rule out the dosage increase yet either. The biggest telltale sign of hyperthyroidism is rapid uncontrollable weight loss, a symptom I haven’t had. Nor have I had a booming heart, the runs, or a decrease in appetite, though my appetite is down a bit and I’m not holding weight as easily as I usually do.

So while it’s unlikely I’ve been flipped from hypo to hyper this doesn’t mean it can’t make me a little anxious. Or can it? That’s what I hope to find out. What’s almost as frustrating as the anxiety itself is not knowing for sure what’s causing it. It’s hard to help ourselves when we don’t know where to begin. Stopping fasting was a start, though. That definitely seems to help. If it is the meds at all, I don’t know if I’ll adapt and the anxiety will eventually go away for good, or if it will still go away if something else is causing it. It’s hard to believe, for whatever reason, that one could suddenly develop an anxiety disorder like this, but things do change with age.

Speaking of doctors, I got a weird message in which all that was said by automated voices was that the call was on behalf of (then they say my name) and that I could press 1 for customer service or call their toll-free number at my convenience. I would normally ignore calls like this but since my name was used, I first wondered if it was connected to whoever’s been using my name and number, according to that guy in Auburn.

But then I looked up the number, which is supposedly the payment center of my medical group, and other people wonder if it’s a scam of some kind. I think it might be because never in the message did they identify themselves, and I don’t know why they would be calling us about money. We either pay in person or online if they don’t send us a bill. I’ll run it by Tom when he gets up and see what he thinks. I only just discovered the message recently. Goes to show how much more I’m online than on phones.

I hope his leg is better when he gets up. He bumped his shin really bad while picking up the second 98-pound toilet. They’re sitting in the laundry room waiting to be installed this weekend with hopefully not too much drama along the way.

Still think it’s kind of weird that no one got back to me regarding my messages about the anxiety. You know I love to spy on people, and she’s been pretty consistent with her Facebook game-playing. Even when she was in New York she was playing games. But this daily habit has ceased to exist lately.

Given that she has only 13 friends, 3 of whom could have 2 accounts and be the same person, I wonder if she’s the loner type when she’s not working or if she’s just not a very well-liked person. Her tone and attitude on the job suggest she may be a real bitch in her everyday life.

I have always been a loner myself and have always enjoyed spending most of my time alone. Not all of it, but most of it. I’m more productive that way. But lately, I wonder if I would feel better and more secure if either Tom was home all the time, or a couple of people lived with us (that we both knew, trusted and felt comfortable with) and someone was always home. I don’t know, though, because sometimes the anxiety kicks in when Tom’s home. His presence certainly helps, but it doesn’t prevent it completely.

Andy's not doing much better either. He’s frustrated because he stopped losing weight, and within less than a 24-hour period, both his refrigerator and his washer crapped out. His washer is fairly new, too. I really feel for him. When we lived in Arizona it seemed that our stuff was constantly breaking. As soon as we fixed something, something else would break.

Not sure if I’m going to be doing this year’s NaNoWriMo because I’m struggling to come up with ideas. I’ve got 10 more days to figure it out if I’m going to.

Still having loads of fun creating boards and pinning pictures on Pinterest, as pointless as it may be. Then again, almost everything we do in life seems pointless at times. It’s just a fun thing, sort of like putting together a puzzle of a picture, only I’m putting together a “puzzle” that consists of many, many pictures.

During the millions of times I woke up, I remember bits and pieces of interesting yet senseless dreams. I was sitting at this weird desk in what almost looked like a giant warehouse. I was working at a computer when I looked up above me and saw several cobwebs and what looked like this strange fungus dangling from the ceiling. I hunted for a vacuum to suck it up with, but couldn’t find a vacuum hose long enough to reach them, or anything stable to stand on.

I know that I also had dreams involving Charlotte and Molly, but I don’t remember much of them. It seems like I might have been walking somewhere when I crossed paths with Charlotte. She kept asking me for a favor but I couldn’t understand a word she was saying.

The Molly dream might have had to do with us writing in paper journals.

I also had a dream that I was out riding my bike and rode by Andy's place. His front door was open and I knew he was hauling groceries in from his car. I stopped when he spotted me and said, “I know you weren’t expecting any company, but since I happened by, need a hand?”

I don’t remember what his answer was, but the most interesting dream was the letter sent from Stacey that she meant to send to someone else. That was the sexy bitch of an apartment manager Andy and I both had to deal with back in the early 90s down in Arizona. The letter contained about five non-digital photos. There was a guy standing by a pool in one where Stacy had written, “My friend Dave.” Then there was a picture showing these battery-operated fish swimming through her pool. Neat idea. :-)

I planned to write her back and ask if she wanted me to send her the letter and pictures back, or if she wanted me to forward them to someone.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2015 What a shitty night last night ended up being. It was absolutely horrible. After I ate the first time around the anxiety backed off, but then it hit me again and it eventually turned into frustration, which turned into depression. I was literally in tears. Then I took a lorazepam and laid down for about an hour but didn’t sleep. Naturally, I felt better when Tom got up and we discussed it. Both he and Aly think it’s the diet and not my medication.

I have totally stopped the diet altogether because one of us is right and I need to find out who it is so I can fix this. Again, before about a year ago, I never felt these kinds of emotions. I’ve been depressed at times, but I never had this kind of anxiety. I’m also not accustomed to feeling any negative emotions without a damn good reason either, like after losing a pet or something like that. Even when we were dirt poor I didn’t have this degree of anxiety. As I was telling someone recently, I’d rather be broke than go through this. Both are hard to deal with, but being poor was an easier kind of hard. It was more straightforward. There was no mystery to it and you knew that even if it may take time, someday it would end or at least not be so bad. But I’m not 100% sure what’s causing this anxiety and I don’t know if this is something I’m going to suffer with on and off for the rest of my life for what. Today’s been good so far, though.

Let’s just say that extreme diets make me sick or mess me up emotionally, and I have no willpower to stick to the reasonable ones. Alli messed up my stomach and skin, low carb makes me gassy as hell, and IF diets love to play on my moods/emotions. The so-called reasonable ones? They just leave me hungry and moody. A bit sluggish too, for the few days I can stand to actually stick to them.

I didn’t diet yesterday but the day before I did. Also, the day before yesterday I didn’t have any anxiety at all, while I dieted the previous day. So it seems to affect me the day after I diet. If I diet tomorrow then I’m likely to suffer the next day. Not worth it. Not worth it at all.

I’m kind of surprised the doctor never responded to my messages. I’m pretty sure that they’re obligated to respond to them, so I wonder if something’s up with her. Even if there was, why hasn’t any other doctor contacted me? Well, if stopping the diet doesn’t continue to make me feel better, I will call them and ask to go to the lab so they can check my numbers.

The only negative thing I feel today is an achy crown. It does that at times, but it doesn’t feel like it’s loose or anything.

Been using LiveJournal since 2008 and I'm still learning things about it. That number rating I’ve been going by is my all-time rating, not my daily rating. Today I am in the 7286th position while my all-time rating is now up to 12,785. And all because I started answering the daily questions I only recently discovered, LOL.

Yesterday evening was chilly, so I wasn’t out riding for long. I went out for 15 minutes an hour ago, and later I’ll spend 5 minutes strength training various body parts and then hit the treadmill for 10 minutes.

Last night I dreamed we just moved into this place and it was horribly cluttered. Tom went out to run an errand that had to do with something financial. Some financing or payment connected to the place. While he was gone I took the opportunity to try to sort through our stuff. A cat suddenly appeared and I assumed it was Simone. She was rubbing against me affectionately and purring away. I then said, “This time you’re here to stay no matter how much I suffer.” Then it suddenly hit me that Tom was taking an awfully long time to return.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2015 Didn’t sleep all that well. The traffic decided to wake me up this time around, and then I woke up to pee, and then for no apparent reason at all.

I was a little surprised to find that my endo never got back to me online. They usually get back to me in a day or less, and if they can’t, another doctor does. I had no anxiety at all yesterday but today I was borderline, so I ate earlier than planned. Tom thinks it’s connected to the diet but I don’t know what to think at this point. I’d rather stay fat and feel better if that’s the case, but rather than decide to quit or diet, I’m just going by how I feel day by day. I will say that the anxiety did pass in less than two hours after I ate a frozen dinner of cheesy rice with chicken and broccoli and had some fresh strawberries for dessert. So I got a good balance of carbs and proteins. Maybe my dear hubby is right after all. He is a very smart guy. So I guess it’s either be fat or be anxious. I’ll take the extra cushion, thank you.

My LiveJournal user ratings are now 12,921.

Again I had snippets of very strange dreams. In one I brought my PCP three or four vials of my blood supposedly for future blood tests. She asked why I brought them and I told her I brought them because she asked me to. Then she insisted that she never asked me to bring any such thing.

In another dream, I opened the front door of a house that seemed to be in a remote and mountainous setting. The mountains weren’t as steep or as green as they were when we lived in Auburn, but they gently sloped downward and off into the distance. I couldn’t see any other houses at all and I looked at a particular spot across the street and imagined Alyssa living there. I was thinking of her last night, so maybe that’s why I dreamed of her.

Next, someone was looking for somebody, and as I was telling them where to find them, I mentioned having a crush on them, not knowing that the woman I was talking about was standing right behind me. Who knows how well they took the news, whoever they were, because that dream only lasted a few seconds.

In the last dream, I opened a small box that was filled with bottle caps and Styrofoam peanuts and I wondered why the person(s), whoever they were, kept returning the caps of the bottles I gave/sent them.

I placed the box down and looked around the room I was in. There were about three twin beds side-by-side along one wall and my own twin bed was on the opposite wall facing the other direction. I realized the room was an absolute mess and I demanded that those who slept in the room put all their belongings on their beds because I was about to vacuum the floor.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2015 Just checking in to the sound of thunder. Earlier it was the faint strains of polka music coming from the clubhouse. Yes, once again we had a live band here (Oktoberfest), and once again I’m thinking about how I came here to escape what I just can’t escape. Someone drove by with loud music a few times yesterday, and today it’s the band. Fortunately, they don’t have live bands playing here as often as they do landscaping and other annoying things. It didn’t last as long as the last band they had.

I decided to try my best once again on the IF diet since I’m probably going to feel anxious at times anyway. Diets have never made me feel anxious. Only this damn evilthyroxine has. It got bad enough last night that I decided that rather than wait and call (and risk the nurse misinterpreting me), I’d leave the doctor a direct message online, and I did. That way it’s in my words and she can tell me directly if she wants me to go to the lab. I’m stable at the moment, but I just never know when it’s going to hit me. It turns itself on and off at random. At some point in the night, I realized I was no longer anxious. It just clicked off light a light switch. Maybe part of that is because I lost myself on Pinterest. I try to do things to distract myself and my mind from dwelling on it when it hits me.

Pinterest has been around a while now, yet last night is when I got really into it for the first time ever. At first it seemed pointless and I didn’t really get how it worked, but it’s a great way to create picture collections. Pics are one of my hobbies, especially nature and animal pics. They have every subject under the sun there to search for, plus I downloaded their tool to allow me to pin pics from all over the web.

Tom printed out a little holder for a thing that can recharge our trash bin’s batteries. This way we don’t have to keep going through batteries. I scold him and tell him he should’ve gotten just a basic pail. We don’t need a motion-censored one. :)

No new toilets this weekend cuz one of them isn’t due to arrive till the 22nd, and he would like to install them both at once. With me helping, of course. :)

Andy got kicked off of Ask and accused of using a bot. Well, not only would he never want to use one there, but he probably couldn’t figure out how to create one any more than I could put a Rubik’s cube together. That’s just not the guy’s thing. So we swapped messages and pics in chat on Facebook till he discovered his account was accessible again and we returned there. Because we sometimes make funny comments/answers, the system probably thought it was a bot cuz it seems like gibberish to outsiders. We’ll randomly grab half a sentence off the web somewhere and the other has to finish it in a goofy, funny way.

Tried Kiwi berries for the first time. They’re ok. Not bad, but not great. Aly recommended golden raisins for lightheadedness caused by low iron, so I put those on next week’s grocery list even though I’m not big on “boogers.”

Last night I had a dream I moved in with this family who had a girl of about 16 or 17. She was so unhappy about my moving in and had other family problems that she ran away. About 5 years went by and I overheard someone talking about finding her to tell her that her father was dying. I was glad the girl had run away because I knew we wouldn’t get along, but I was also worried about her as well.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2015 We got a pretty good thunder and rainstorm late last night at around 2am. It rained a bit today too, and we hurriedly took off on the bikes to go “rain riding.” We were hoping to ride through at least a little drizzle, but sure enough, it cleared up. The roads are all dry now.

Feeling flashes of anxiety again, but I don’t know what to make of it. I’m feeling it more emotionally than physically. My heart isn’t booming or racing up a storm or anything like that. I just feel odd feelings on and off that again, just don’t seem normal for me. I guess it is now, though. It’s hard to describe the feeling and it’s as subtle as it is obvious, but I guess it’s anxiety. It’s just that fleeting feeling of unease, dread or doom. That’s the best I can describe it.

Eating does seem to help, and at first I thought that since I was dumb enough to go riding on an empty stomach, I just needed to eat when we returned and I’d be fine. But I continued to feel it intermittently. It’s hard to believe this is all about food since starting the IF diet, but to find out for sure, I decided to swap eating times. I was to wait until I’d been up 8 hours before I started eating, but then I decided to eat during the first half of my day instead to see if that helped, but it hasn’t made a difference.

I still worry it’s the dosage increase. Coincidently or not, these are the same feelings I had several months ago, though I don’t see how my numbers could’ve been that far off every time I’ve felt this way. All I know is that I never felt this before last year and I sometimes worry that last year’s trauma has given me a whole new and permanent anxiety disorder. I just might not feel anxious every day, though. Tom doesn’t think it’s the meds. He thinks I’m just worried about the meds and that I’ll settle in after another month or so.

The only other symptom I feel at times is tingling in the lips and that’s another symptom of anxiety right there. But WHY? Is it me? My eating habits? The meds? Something else?

I know I’m not in any danger or anything like that, but this isn’t a very pleasant thing to live with, so I really hope it backs off. I’ll message my doc if it doesn’t.

Had a dream I was in an RV or some other large vehicle when we ended up lost at the end of a dead-end road tightly flanked by trees, much like we did when we moved to Oregon. As Tom got out of the RV to check out the best way to get turned around, the RV’s brakes released and started moving backward with me inside of it. Neither of us seemed too alarmed, though.

Did I expect to hear landscaping and projects here? Yes. Just not nearly every day. Did I expect to hear car stereos blast by the bedroom THREE times in one day? No, not at all. Really, if you can't escape this shit in a retirement community where CAN you escape it? I doubt most of them are people who live here but more like people visiting or who work here. Still, the owners should remind them that this isn't the ghettos.

Later…

No way. Just no way. This anxiety I’m feeling, which is worse today, is almost certainly connected to the new dose and not the diet I was doing. It’s got to be. I ate more yesterday and today, yet I’m still having symptoms of anxiety. I’ll be damned if I’ll put up with this shit again. I’m calling the doctor’s office on Monday as Tom suggested since even he can't be entirely sure of anything. Not even a lorazepam has helped. I should have known better. I was feeling fine on the 75s and that’s where I should have stayed. All that should matter is how I feel and not their damn numbers. When you don’t feel good, then screw the numbers. I really hope the booming/racing heart isn’t next.

What I’ve got to find out is whether or not this medication can cause anxiety even if your numbers aren’t bad. I mean not bad in a certain way. I can’t believe my TSH has dropped too low, but I wonder if my T4 could have gone a little higher. She will probably send me to the lab to find out, but I’m thinking I’m going to have to dose back down to 75.

Another reason I’m starting to suspect the medication (besides the fact that it’s getting worse) is that no diet has ever made me feel anxious before no matter how extreme it may be. It can make me sluggish and shaky, but it’s never made me anxious. I swear this isn’t normal for me. Not even in the worst of times in life. Things I worry about can be on my mind, they can mess with my sleep, and they can sometimes give me the runs, but these flashes of anxiety I feel well up in my chest… that just shouldn’t be happening. Not unless it’s possible to suddenly become this way for some reason.

I’m just tired of suffering on and off and wondering what the hell I did to deserve it. I was doing so well for months, and now it’s back. Again, being poor was easier. It’s frustrating and depressing to have to once again deal with anxiety I’m not used to. This isn’t like when we stress or worry over something that eats at our minds. This is worse.

One of the toilets hasn’t arrived yet, so we might just install one of them tomorrow.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2015 Got a lot done today… laundry, making out the grocery list, cleaning, etc. Now I can finally relax and do some writing. I could skip my workout with all the physical activity I’ve gotten today doing things around the house, but I don’t want to. I like riding and getting some fresh air.

Tammy left a message and I first decided I’d call back in a week or two when there was less going on. Remember, we’re installing new toilets this weekend. They’ve arrived at Home Depot and all we have to do is pick them up tomorrow.

But then I realized she’d be there for me if I wanted to talk. She always makes time for me as soon as she can, and I knew that a 10-15 minute chat wouldn’t kill me as much as I prefer Facebook to phones.

She had both good and bad news to inform me of. I’m thrilled to learn she and Mark recently quit smoking and I hope they STAY quit. Yes, she will suffer for a while, and yes, she will gain weight cuz her metabolism is about to take a hit, but the cravings will pass and the weight can be lost later on.

The bad news – and I didn’t know this – she’s had diabetes for years. I know of others who had it, changed their eating habits, lost weight and got rid of it, but it might not be that easy for her. She can eat right, but the steroids she has to take can cause both weight and water gain, and she’s exercise-challenged cuz of her knee and arthritis.

It gets worse. She needs an insulin pump and her damn insurance has denied her cuz her numbers are too high.

What. The. Fuck?

When it comes to state, government or medical insurance, I am sooo sick of them not taking care of their own. Meanwhile, if you’re a foreigner or you’re in another country, they’ll give you EVERYTHING. It’s totally beyond fucked up.

So she has diabetes, our mother had it, and our grandfather had it. That means I could be next, even though I’m not that big and I’m pretty active. Still, she inspired me to get a good 20 pounds or so off. I think I might be able to do it now that they’ve got my thyroid meds regulated and I’ve found that IF diets work for me so long as I don’t overdo it. They can make me weak, shaky and moody and therefore I sometimes have to eat earlier than planned. Still, like with quitting smoking, you usually have to suffer a bit to make changes in life.

She and Mark, like us, are doing projects around the house little by little. Their place is a lot newer than ours, but they still want to customize it to their tastes. I guess screens need to be replaced every few years there cuz of the storms. Meanwhile, we still have our 32-year-old screens, LOL. She isn’t worse than us in all ways. She’s never needed heat since she’s been there, the lucky girl!

She wants to go on a cruise someday, too. I think she’d love it. This will be our second one. After the first one, I thought it was a hectic pain in the ass since we lived in such a tiny town that we couldn’t fly to and from. We had to Amtrak to and from the airport. But after the shit we went through upon moving here, I realized how much fun it was after all, though yes, cruises are rocking with all kinds of wild and fun adventures. It’s like a giant playground in the middle of the ocean. If you want to relax, don’t go cruising.

Got some goodies arriving tomorrow, including a realistic miniature chipmunk. That was an add-on for just a few bucks. I can add it to all my other animals. I also want to get the skunk and possum.

The hairpiece came today and I wish it hadn’t so I could’ve gotten a refund. Dumbest waste of money yet, even if it was just $5. I can’t get it to stay in place.

My LiveJournal ratings are still rising. I’m now at 13,148. I changed themes and couldn’t find the old one afterward so now it has a new look.

I dreamed my cyber friend Christine adopted a baby, and the pill dreams are back, too. This time I went to shake a pill into my mouth and ended up with a whole mouthful which I was struggling to spit out. I’d never be so dumb as to shake a pill from a bottle full of pills into my mouth in real life, though.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2015 I couldn’t believe I was out well after dark riding my bike in shorts and sandals in mid-October, but I was. I’m loving this endless summer! They’re still claiming we’re going to get a lot more rain from January through March, but I’ll believe it when I see it.

Tom needed to get some vitamin C on Amazon, so we also got some goodies while we were at it. He got when he usually gets… Computer/electronics-related stuff. I got some wall stickers to replace a couple of wall stickers in the hallway. They’re silhouettes of birds on branches with a few flying around them.

When I went to apply a 31” sticker of a figure skater I accidentally “twisted” her ankle. She’s also got a kink in her knee. I also have a sticker of a giant eye that I’m kind of sick of.

I also got a couple of bronze lady figurines from this series I’ve been collecting. Got about a dozen now, all in different poses.

Every now and then I check Mary's pathetic tweets just for shits and giggles. This is the one that let her crazy ex kill her baby and that I stupidly let use me to type her “story” from jail. I worked my ass off and didn’t get shit in return. Actually, I did get something. I got falsely accused of bashing her in my blog (better be careful what you accuse people of lest they actually act on it in the future), she blocked me on Facebook, then she unblocked me, and that was when I told her I was done with her. All she does is suck whatever she can out of people.

Anyway, she’s ”overwhelmed” and “miserable.” Oh, poor baby. She must not currently have a bad boy to use to buy her things. I’m honestly surprised she hasn’t gotten knocked up since her release.

She is otherwise intelligent and a great writer, so it’s too bad that she has to be so selfish and paranoid and befriend people under false pretenses.

No landscaping or wood chippers running today, but here we go again with the small plane circling round and round. I don’t understand why they do this at times, but when they do it’s kind of annoying.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2015 It turns out that not eating was definitely what was messing up my moods. I guess my blood sugar got too low. Tom was wonderful about it after work. He let me whine all about it and then he took me out to eat. We just grabbed some fast food from Jack-in-the-Box, but it was sooo good. Never knew there was such a thing as vanilla Sprite before. Going to have to try their peach and raspberry versions in the future.

After Jack’s, we went to a grocery outlet where I grabbed some fresh strawberries and orange juice. I was already feeling a million times better. It seems that the better a diet works, the shittier they make you feel. One doesn’t need to give up on this sort of thing altogether, but it’s definitely best not to be so extreme about it. Maybe do it every 2 to 3 days instead of every single day.

When I researched IF diets it said that it helps toughen you up to hunger and makes you able to withstand going longer periods of time without eating. This is definitely true. I guess it’s like that with a lot of things. Having more pain can toughen you up to it, so this makes sense. You just gotta go easy with it and not get so carried away.

I really felt horrible yesterday and it was frustrating until I knew for sure what it was. When we lose a pet and we get depressed we know exactly why we’re depressed. But I wasn’t sure at first what was causing my anxiety and depression. I couldn’t help but keep thinking that being as poor as we once were was so much easier. That was straightforward. With anxiety and depression, there can be a number of possibilities. Usually, however, I don’t feel any negative emotions without a reason. But until you know what that reason is, it can make it seem even worse.

At the grocery store, I also got a wind chime with three little cowbells. I got this one more for sound than for looks. It sounds different than anything else I’ve got out there. We just have yet to have enough wind to move it.

Today has been amazingly and unbelievably quiet so far. The last two days were horrible with all the landscaping in tree cutting I heard for hours at a time. Today, though, is totally dead quiet. I don’t know that it’s ever been this quiet in the middle of a weekday.

Last night consisted of many quick and senseless, silly fragments of dreams. It was the other way around where it was Fran that was still alive and he was making funeral arrangements for his dead brother Rick. In real life, Rick is the one who’s still alive.

In another dream, I was excited that this woman who made a movie gave it the title I suggested. I was trying to get a copy of it to send to my parents, LOL, who seem to be alive and well and half my dreams.

In another dream, I seemed to have moved in with a woman I was attracted to (Nane?). I don’t know if we were in a relationship or if we were just roommates, but we were in a large room watching a movie when I decided to leave. She said something like, “Yeah, it’s down to just 50° in here.”

I mentioned calling my parents and she made the comment about it only being a few days since I last called them. I said they might be worried about me since I just moved in with her and wanted to let them know I was okay. I asked her how often she would call her own parents and she said every week to 2 months.

As I rose from the couch we sat on, I also mentioned the book I was writing and said, “If we did what I’m about to write about, you would cringe.” At least I think that’s what I said. I’m not entirely sure about the last part.

Then I was walking in high heels along the street and was surprised at how easy it was to walk in them. Some guy walked by and said I should walk closer toward the side of the road. Then he told some girl who magically appeared that her joke wasn’t funny and was suddenly holding a rat that I realized was mine.

My user ratings on LiveJournal are now up to 13,370. It’s listed on my profile page there. I’m probably getting more viewers because I just noticed they have daily questions that I’ve been answering, although my tracker isn’t reflecting much in the way of new activity. This is probably thanks to all the mobiles out there. Trackers are blind to them and since more and more people are using them I don’t see most of my blog visitors anymore.

I sincerely hope the video I shared on my Facebook wall of a rat attacking a pigeon grosses Andy the hell out because he is continuing to drive me crazy with the food talk and it’s more than obvious that he is not a true friend at all. The more I hint or even bluntly suggest he quit driving that subject into the ground, the more he discusses it. Well, that tells me something about him right there; that he’s not a true friend. So I wasn’t just paranoid in suspecting that he truly does enjoy annoying people. Well, anyone who can get off on doing that is obviously not a friend no matter what they may say, and therefore I’m not checking in as much.

I’m even fucking with him at times by using Ask’s constant technical issues as an excuse to delete his questions and comments to me about food. Obviously, I won’t delete them all otherwise it would be obvious, but I do delete some of them and just say that I never got them.

Regardless of the fact that he obviously enjoys annoying people, I still think he has a serious food addiction. His whole life is nothing but Facebook, food, canning and cleaning toilets. Well, I’m sure there are some porn and dreaming of young studs he can never have mixed in as well. Either way, if he’s stuffing the shit out of himself as I suspect he may be, I would be genuinely concerned for my health. He totally overdoes things. First it was cigarettes and pot. Then it was alcohol. Now it’s food.

Heard someone drive by with loud music. It was the black person who lives a few houses down. Figures. I thought it would be the young guy who visits, but nope. It was actually the old lady that lives there. They just can’t drop their ghetto ways no matter where they go, can they?

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2015 I didn’t have an asthma attack, but sure enough, my heart raced me awake at 1:30 AM. Well, I’m not sure if it raced me awake on its own or if the dream I had caused it to do so where I was in a crowded mall or something in some strange place, and lost track of Tom. All I know is that I had to take a lorazepam for the first time since last spring to help me fall back asleep.

I awoke slightly anxious and depressed but with no booming heart. I don’t feel jittery at all. I’m just frustrated because I don’t know for sure what’s causing what. Is it the dosage increase or is it just me? Every time I think I’m home free and I gain my confidence, something happens to pull my sense of security down a notch. Once again I am dealing with a kind of anxiety that I have never experienced before in my life and it gets to me at times. I usually feel confident and carefree, and hopefully I will be feeling that way soon enough and not progressively worsen. If I do then I will have to get to the labs so they can check my TSH, but especially my T4.

It’s frustrating because when I’m not experiencing something bad I spend too much time worrying that I will. I have been anti-psych drugs due to the fact that they can be addicting as well as carry side effects. However, if this keeps up and they rule out my thyroid dose as being the culprit, I’m going to tell that shrink in December to just go ahead and give me a full-time prescription regardless of the possible risks and the fact that it may make me drowsy. I’m sure she’ll be more than happy to too, as that’s how they make their living. They’re licensed drug dealers, in a sense, only they spent time chatting with you while they’re at it. It’s still hard to believe that something that wasn’t normal for me in the past could now be normal for me, but I guess anything is possible.

The good news is that my lungs are like they usually are, crystal clear and wide open. I had a little bit of congestion when I woke up and I worried I might have an attack, but I didn’t. Fortunately, Tom was still home but my mind still went “what-ifing” on me. What if I have a severe anxiety attack when he’s not home or what if I have a severe asthma attack? That attack was the worst I’d had in 10 years. I’m keeping track of everything I feel and experience for my doctors, but hopefully, I won’t have to get in to see them sooner than originally planned.

I’ve lost a surprising 5 pounds in just 6 days. Fasting 8 hours a day may also be playing on my moods. Yesterday I felt both weak and shaky so I needed to eat a little earlier than usual.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2015 So I survived the night without another asthma attack. Sure woke up a million times along the way, though, but I feel rested enough.

It wasn't even 9 o'clock when sure enough, the weekday racket began. I heard a wood chipper running on and off somewhere.

Not much else to report on this chilly morning that is supposed to turn into a 94° afternoon other than that I had a dream that the cops pulled up to where I was living in the dream, and that appeared to be a strip of one-story apartments or condos. I must have either done something bad or thought the cops might believe that I did something bad because I was definitely not happy to see them. I woke up trying to decide whether or not I should answer the door when they knocked or if I should go run and hide and hope for the best.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2015 After a productive day of installing our beautiful new chandelier, bike riding and other things, I ended up having a rather scary night. I got into bed and was just about to knock off when I felt what I thought was a little glob of phlegm stuck in my lungs to cough up. But then I just kept coughing and suddenly started wheezing my ass off and felt as if my lungs were full of mud. It was the worst asthma attack I’d had in years and for a fleeting moment, I considered going to the ER since Tom said he heard they stopped selling Primatene Mist OTC. It shocks the shit out of me just how unexpected, sudden and fierce the attack was, but our little finger reader did say I was 99% oxygenated and my pulse was a comfortable 84.

Tom feels confident I just got too carried away with my obsession for good smells… perfume, incense, wax… and I hope to hell he’s right and that this isn’t the beginning of a whole new problem for me. As it is I’ll be a little nervous going to bed tonight. Pretty sure whatever it was was in the bed because that’s where it started and it eased up whenever I’d leave the room. Also, I did run out of Febreeze fabric freshener and I did spray some patchouli on the bed. So all the bedding will be washed today. All of it. Including the mattress pad.

Unless it keeps happening after refraining from my smellies, we doubt it was caused by my thyroid dosage increase. He found online that asthma can be an indicator of Hashimoto’s (I guess the whole auto-immune thing is connected), but if you’re going to experience an allergic reaction to the thyroid meds (rash, tightness), it should happen right away. Some people are allergic to the fillers that hold the meds together.

The only other thing he read was that adjusting your thyroid meds can affect your asthma meds if you’re taking any, and I’m not. Sure wished I had an inhaler last night, though, even though that might’ve made me more congested at first. If it happens again I’ll contact my doctors. I’m glad I have a better team of doctors than I had last year and that they deal with me in a quicker, more efficient manner, but hopefully, it won’t be one more thing I have to worry about in the end. I’m trying to be positive and not remind myself that most of my problems aren’t short-lived.

I’m still a little shaky, tight and congested, but I am recovering. Hot caffeine and a shower helped a lot. Gonna take it easy today and just see what happens. I just know I’m sick and tired of this fucking on-and-off medical drama.

Later…

Still alive but a bit shaken up both physically and emotionally over last night’s asthma attack. Tom was a huge help whacking my back (pulmonary cupping) to help loosen things up and kick up the congestion, making me coffee… that sort of thing. I just hope it doesn’t happen again! It was scary, but not nearly as scary as when my heart took off on a run last year. I still have on-and-off tightness and when I cough it tastes like shit. All the bedding has been washed, though, and I’ve stayed away from the perfume and incense.

When choosing a cheaper insurance plan that should save us a grand or two per year, Tom noticed I had a couple of notifications on the health site saying 2 of my 4 appointments have been canceled (ear and PCP). Tom suspects the doctors are either going on vacation at those times or there was a glitch in the system. The ear isn’t critical, but I would like to see my PCP so I can get an inhaler that won’t mess with my meds in case of another emergency. Even as a non-smoker, I’m bound to have occasional attacks, though 99% of the time my lungs are crystal clear and wide open.

We ordered new toilets that will hopefully arrive on Friday because Tom will have 3 days off. They’re just basic oblong-shaped toilets that are 16” high. The only fancy feature they have is overflow systems. It’s like what our dishwasher has. They were $150 apiece.

As Tom said, I’m getting to be a real home improvement expert. LOL, yeah, he’s taught me well. Not just in Phoenix and Maricopa, but here I learned more about how carpet is laid. I’ve helped change faucets, change ceiling fans, change chandeliers, and next, we’ll be doing toilets and then eventually floors.

A few nights ago I dreamed I called my dad and told him I had good news and bad news. The bad news was that we’d have to rent a place for a while, but the good news was that the house we were renting was nice and it seemed to be a quiet neighborhood.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2015 I still have over 100 more lessons to take in my Dutch course, so I probably won’t finish this year. Dutch may not be that tough overall, but the spelling is the toughest of any language I’ve ever studied!

Came up nearly 200 places in LiveJournal’s user ratings today.

Chatted with Tammy on Facebook yesterday. She’s really having a rough time of it health-wise. She developed arthritis when she was only in her 20s and got 6 shots in her neck yesterday. That hurts just thinking about it! She also has Fibromyalgia, which I read was very common. It’s where your muscles swell around the nerves, and I guess she may need surgery to cut the nerves. It’s like something up there really has it in for her at least in that department. As tough as it’s been I’m glad she has a beautiful home and doesn’t have to suffer in some uncomfortable dumpy place in a shitty neighborhood with shitty weather. And she’s not alone either, since she has Mark and the girls.

My first 2 weeks on the new dose have been a success and my T4 is now where it's going to be. About 6 more weeks for the TSH to settle in!

I was a little shocked and even a bit worried when Tom told me his pulse was just 45 when he got up. The lowest it’s ever been upon waking up was 49. I told him to tell his doctor about it, which he will see soon. It climbed into the 60s in no time at all, but still, I wonder if that could be something to be concerned with.

I’m just the opposite. Even calm and relaxed my pulse can average about 90.

Later…

My period snuck up on me today without any warning. I’m amazed I wasn’t hungry as hell yesterday as is usually the case the day before my period. Especially since I started an IF diet. I guess I can write about that, though I won’t make this public just yet, since I have no reason to believe that the same thing won’t happen again where I continue to diet but my body refuses to give up more than a few pounds. I’ve been sticking to it religiously, too.

Experience has proven to me that I simply cannot stick to having 1000 calories a day long-term in order to lose weight. I’m up an average of 16 hours as are most people, and trying to spread a measly 1000 cals over that many hours is just way too hard. So I gave up on dieting and assumed I was simply meant to be heavy just like your average middle-aged person. I knew that I would have to resort to something a bit extreme in order to lose weight if I was ever going to. The question was what? I wasn’t about to take any medication and risk side effects, I didn’t have the willpower to starve myself indefinitely, and could never stand the thought of puking up my food, all of which is unhealthy anyway.

But then I read some other people’s journals about IF diets, which means intermittent fasting. This is nothing new and it’s not like I haven’t heard about this before, I just never gave it that much thought. Three days ago I decided to try a 16/24 variation where I don’t eat until I’ve been up for 8 hours. I’m on the third day of doing this. Yes, it’s very hard, but it’s hard in a different kind of way than it was when I’d try to stretch 1000 calories over an entire day. By cutting my stomach’s typical hours in half, which is what I’m doing in a sense, I only have 8 hours in which to consume those 1000 calories. I live 16 hours a day, but my stomach only lives 8 hours a day. This means that I spend those 8 hours eating hourly, and not feeling hungry at all. It sums up to me being asleep for 8 hours, satisfying my hunger for 8 hours, and spending 8 hours being hungry instead of 16 hours being hungry. I could still go to Denny’s or someplace like that every so often and eat all I wanted so long as I did it toward the second half of my day. I chose to fast during the first half of my day because that’s when I’m typically the least hungry.

I also learned that as long as you don’t get carried away with the fasting, no, you don’t lose your muscles and you don’t become dizzy or sluggish. In fact, I’ve had just as much energy as I usually do. I’m actually surprised at just how good I feel on this diet despite being hungry. As with most things, if you overdo it, then it becomes dangerous. Intermittent fasting is said by some doctors to actually be good for the body. It’s a sort of detox for the system. At least this is what research has told me.

Thursday, the day I started this, I woke up at 151.2 pounds. Yesterday I was 149.4 pounds. Today I’m 148.8 pounds. The big test will be to see if I can get under 147 pounds. The last time I was under that amount was when I was sick. My body usually holds its weight and refuses to cross that threshold under other circumstances. At least it’s been that way since 2009 anyway. I should know in a few days. If it keeps working I will decide whether or not to actually continue losing weight. There are pros and cons to both, and both need to be considered. I know I would be healthier if I lost 30 pounds, but now is not a good time to be getting new clothes since we want to save as much money as we can for vacation. I started this more out of curiosity than anything else, and being curious by nature, I am likely going to want to see how far I can take it if I continue to be a success.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2015 Yesterday I ranked 14,099 out of LiveJournal’s top 100,000 journals and today I’m at 13,949. Interesting tidbit of information.

We’ve got 3 insurance plans to choose from and we’re probably going to go with the middle one. They each have their pros and cons. The third plan is good for if you rarely see doctors or are sick, but our current plan isn’t the greatest if you need a couple of specialists like I do (ear & endo). The only way the middle plan could cost us a lot would be if one of us were ever hospitalized.

So yesterday I’m sitting at my computer when I hear Bob’s blower start up and I’m like, WTF? It hasn’t been a week since he’s blown his place. He never blows himself more than once a week. Then I saw him on the roof. He was obviously blowing leaves out of the gutters.

I stepped out front and said hello. I thought he might ignore me, but he and Virginia (who I didn’t notice right away) were actually very friendly. So I took the time to admit I probably shouldn’t have said anything before, since one does have a right to repair their walkways, they were here first, and I can’t expect my neighbors to be silent 100% of the time.

They were actually friendlier than ever and we had a pleasant chat as I swept down the patio. Can’t deny it felt good to know we were on good terms. I really thought they were mad at me, and well, no one wants hostility so close to home, do they?

They asked when I was going on vacation, which they thought was sooner. We talked about the weather, and Bob asked how my writing was going. He said if I had anything published he wanted to read it. “Good luck with that,” I told him, LOL. He’d need a Kindle for that. What I didn’t tell him was that I highly doubted I wrote the kind of stuff he’d like to read. :)

I haven’t published anything in ages. Just not enough money to be worth the hassle. The writing world is so all or nothing. You either make a fortune (and become famous which I wouldn’t want) or you don’t make shit.

I should finish Rainstorm’s visual editing today. Tomorrow I’ll start the electronic read-through. Then I’ll share.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2015 I caught the mailman yesterday and told him I accidentally gave him a DHL number when he asked if I ever got the package. Our money was refunded actually, and it probably didn’t even make it into the country before it got lost.

I mentioned the nice weather as he placed the mail into the boxes and how he must really appreciate the dryness doing what he does. He said that at least he didn’t have to mow the lawn. He also said he didn’t get why they won’t spend money to bring water down from Alaska while they have no problem sending money to other countries. I don’t get it either. Maybe someday the government will let us in on their reasons why it is so important to give so much money to other countries so that it can finally make at least a little bit of sense to us. There’s got to be some logic to it and it would be nice if they would tell us about it. No one throws away billions of dollars like that without good reason, or at least I would hope.

I walked through a bank in my dreams last night where they were searching for someone who stole 2 million dollars. I was heading to take a train home as I struggled to pull a hoodie over my head when I realized I didn’t have my purse with me. I raced off hoping to hell my purse was still where I left it and fearing I would miss the train.

In another dream, Tom and I were in the car and marveling over how we haven’t had any money issues for years now. I was polishing my nails red in the car of all places. I’d gotten 2 nails polished when we pulled up to one of my doctor’s offices. I sat on a stool in the waiting room and resumed polishing my nails, but after just 2 more nails the stool toppled over and I hit the floor. As soon as I hit the floor, the nurse came to call me into an exam room.

Later…

Andy is continuing to annoy me with the daily food talk. Really, I am so fucking sick and tired of having to know it every goddamn time he eats. He is either seriously obsessed with food or deliberately trying to annoy me. It’s probably a combination of both, but knowing that he knows how constant repetition bothers me yet continues to go on and on about it excessively, makes me question the validity of his friendship yet again. What the hell kind of friend goes out of his way to annoy others they’re supposed to consider a friend?

First he was saying that he was eating some chili that Marla, who’s returning to Cali tomorrow, made while she was there. I ignored it, as usual, by responding with a different subject. 45 minutes later he reports that he just finished lunch.

45 minutes to eat lunch? Obsessed with food or not, I highly doubt it took that long to eat lunch. I swear it’s like he just wants to annoy me, but that will be met with me checking in less and less. Maybe the dumb shit will put two and two together eventually.

He did say one thing that was funny, though. I told him I was proud of myself for figuring out why I lost sound on my computer, but was glad to know I had Tom here as a backup. Then I said, “Maybe you’ll want a BF someday and he’ll be a real computer techie.”

He replied with, “I couldn’t get that lucky. He’ll be a jobless loser living with his mother.”

LOL, I hate to say it, but it’s so true. This was all I used to get as well, and I wonder why that changed for me but not for him. Maybe because he never matured personally or intellectually?

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2015 Decisions, decisions. Do I work in the laundry room today no matter what? Or do I wait and see if Bob starts any shit out there first?

Sometimes I still think maybe it was silly of me to be bothered by the walkway work since he does have a right to do repairs, but then I remember his shit attitude and that wipes any guilt or regrets away.

I’ve been making a point not to run into him so he doesn’t provoke me in any way. If I assaulted someone between 18-70, they’d do a fraction of what was done to me for the “letter.” But an 86-year-old would get me imprisoned for at least a decade or so. Society has a “But they’re defenseless!” attitude. Not a “They don’t have much longer to live anyway,” attitude.

Then again, does he not really have much longer to live? He could easily be fit enough to use hammers and power tools for another 5-10 years, which would be like a lifetime to me, of course.

I hated to do this, but I realized that if something suddenly happened to Tom, I would be so distraught that I would have a hard time thinking clearly as I did what I wanted to do before killing myself and then actually killing myself. Therefore, I wrote out some final steps to take. I still think he’s going to die first, and that means I will almost certainly one day have to carry these plans out on my own, as terrifying as they may be. But death can suddenly sneak up on us when we least expect it. How can I be sure the pigs won’t knock on the door to say he was killed on the way to or from work? Therefore, I knew I needed a clear plan mapped out before my eyes because I sure as hell wouldn’t be thinking clearly as the sadness, loss, fear and anger engulfed and consumed me upon hearing such tragic news. Whether he dies younger or as an old man, no one will be here to calmly tell me, do this, then do this, and then do that. But the list I made will.

Later…

My goal has been to learn at least enough of the basics or beyond in as many languages as I can. But sometimes I wonder if I should perfect my best language instead, which would be Spanish since it’s so common here in the US.

Then I say naw, I don’t think so. If you come to my country, then my language takes precedence over yours, like it or not. You wanna cry discrimination for that, fine. But I’m from here and if you come to my land then you should be willing to learn my language. Besides, I still know a great deal of the language. I was stuck in a jail cell in Arizona with someone who only spoke Spanish and we got by just fine, as did the housekeeper and I who cleaned our hotel room up in Oregon. I don’t use the language every single day, but I still read things online in Spanish from time to time and can understand the gist of what I read. Speaking and hearing another language is always harder than reading, but let’s just say that I don’t expect any problems in Mexico any more than I expected them in Puerto Rico.

Anyway, we went out bike riding. It was chilly, slightly breezy, and very comfortable for a rigorous ride. I wanted to go even faster, but Tom always complains if I go too fast, LOL.

I got an idea on how to make my own treadmill desk so I at least have the option of using the laptop there if I ever want to. Taking two of the old fan blades and stretching them across the rails, I can epoxy them together. Then I can run cable ties through the screw holes to secure it to the rails. Then again, this may look totally goofy in the end, so I don’t know.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2015 Yesterday was fun, productive, loud and annoying. We went to Home Depot shortly after they opened to look at ceiling fans and toilets. Apparently, the Disabilities Act has caused toilets to go from a standard 14” in height to 16.5”. Not a very good thing if you’re as short as I am, but they do still have some 14’s and that’s what we’ll probably get. We decided on elongated bowls rather than round, but this is still a couple of weeks away.

They charge 100 bucks per toilet for installation, plus 25 bucks for each of the old toilets to be hauled away, so we decided to save $250 and do it ourselves. Except for the carpet, we’ve always been do-it-yourselfers.

We got a new ceiling fan for the living room. It’s the same 52” and the same brand as the old one, only this one is white and it has five blades instead of four. It was $70. Our living room is cavernous, so on really warm days the old one barely moved much air toward the corners. It has three thick frosted light fixtures that are sort of cone-shaped. We put the LED bulbs in it that were in the old one, which should last around 20 years.

While we were looking at ceiling fans, my eyes casually swung to the nearby chandeliers, and then I spotted one that totally made my jaw drop. I was just like, OMG, that thing is gorgeous! The original chandelier in this place isn’t ugly and it does go with the place, but it’s not me. Once our new gorgeous crystal chandelier I'm surprised was only $99 is installed, I’ll take pictures of the old and the new like I did with the fans.

After Home Depot we went to Walmart where we got a handful of goodies. He got some storage containers for electronic and computer-related parts that will help him organize things better, and I got Emeraude perfume, which has a unique fruity smell.

I also got a beautiful tropical calendar for next year and a semi-realistic-looking vinyl king snake that I placed by the door and wished my mother could come back to life long enough to visit, LOL. It’s not as realistic as my rattler, but it’s enough to jolt the heart of the unsuspecting. We would see these snakes every now and then down in Arizona. The way they move is really cool. There was an all-black king snake that one could easily mistake for an old tire scrap that used to watch us when we would be out and about on the land. It would usually stick its head up out of a hole in the ground. These were harmless snakes, but the Western diamondback, as cool looking as it was, was one to be careful of. Tom came as close to death as he’d ever gotten the night he started to go out and get something from the car only to be greeted by a rattlesnake right outside the door. With the hospital being nearly an hour away, that would definitely not be a good place to get struck.

I also got some scented wax cubes and the most sparkly eyeshadow I’ve ever seen in six different colors. It was the only one there. Am I too old to wear glitter eyeshadow? Yeah, probably. Do I care? Definitely not. Damn, I love being too selfish to care what others think! ;) I wish I had this attitude half a century ago.

Our Walmart purchases were free since we had gift cards.

I also have a couple of collectibles on the way to me from Amazon… a sexy “secretary” and an anime doll.

I’ll write about the shit we came home to later on.

Later…

So the shit we came home to. That would be the very loud process of a tree being cut down behind the house. Yeah, we can’t go much more than a month or two without something going on here, can we? And this is on top of all the landscaping and traffic noise I hear almost daily.

Heard about 6 whacks of a hammer somewhere too, but if it wasn’t Bob doing it just to make me hear him, then I don’t know where it came from. The only sound I’m sure he made was when he was blowing leaves for about 15-20 minutes.

Anyway, they worked on the tree for about 3 hours. Not the all-day event I thought it would be like when they took down a tree next door last year, but it was just as loud, especially the wood chipper. They sawed the branches down, then they tossed them in the chipper, then they blew leaves out of the road.

Unfortunately, I’m almost back on days, so I can just imagine what shit I’m in for today. If nothing else, it’ll be the Tuesday landscapers and God knows what from Bob.

I’ve had a few moments where I thought I felt a bit anxious, but I have otherwise had no problem on the new dose. I wish it were December already. If I can make it to then without incident, then I should be fine.

After dreaming about my dentist selling wallpaper and finding a huge bug with a strange paisley design on it, I awoke to find my hips oddly sore. After I get up after sitting for a while, it’s very uncomfortable. I don’t understand just what I did to get this sore. I helped with the fan installation, but I wasn’t the one climbing up and down the ladder. I just opened and handed him stuff so he wouldn’t have to keep climbing up and down. I did a lot of walking yesterday through the stores, so maybe I just need to do that more since biking works different muscles.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2015 As of this day I have been smoke-free for 18 years… yay!

As of yesterday, I decided the next series I would watch on Netflix would be Criminal Minds.

About 6 hours ago, we went out bike riding. There was thunder and lightning all around us in the distance, but not a drop of rain here. Not surprisingly, there’s no rain predicted over the next week. Just some clouds with temps in the 80s.

I had a dream I met Aly somewhere. First I was pissed because I forgot my meds. She searched her car but couldn’t find them anywhere.

She was then humming some tune while happily cooking something in the kitchen of what looked like a regular house in which I was standing just outside. Behind her stood a washer and dryer that looked familiar. I pulled out my smartphone and texted her that I think I once had that same washer and dryer. Haha.

Then we were at a hotel and I was pissed again because she brought along two other women she didn’t tell me she was bringing and they never shut up. Every time I tried to initiate a conversation with her, one of the women would butt in.

The following morning I woke up, turned the portable sound machine off that I had brought with me, and found that I was alone in the room. Then I got up to use the bathroom. The toilet lid was decorated with hearts and a little bookcase stood nearby. As I lifted the lid and sat down, I plucked what appeared to be a horror story off the shelf and tried to decide if it was worth stealing since we were leaving that day.

Later…

Many people on Facebook "liked" that I've been smoke-free for 18 years except for my sister and nieces. Figures, too. I mean I knew they wouldn’t. I started to make excuses for them in my mind from them being busy to them having too many posts in their news feed to read through, but that just doesn’t seem like something family should miss. Norma “liked” it and she’s just a distant cousin.

When Tom and I were talking about places we may possibly travel to in the future, we both agreed that Europe isn’t very appealing. Most of it is too old, cold, and crowded. I like tropical places anyway. The only country there that I might consider is Greece. It has some very beautiful sections that really stand out from your traditional European setting. I doubt we’ll go there, though.

It pisses me off just how tight so many of my clothes have become. A year ago, when I was temporarily scared off my thyroid meds, I gained a few pounds that I haven’t been able to get back off ever since, thanks to the incompetent assholes that didn’t care to help me. I keep whatever I put on, so that’s why it’s important not to gain any more weight if I can help it.

There is just no way I’m ever going to have the willpower to stand the hunger, irritability, dizziness, and sluggishness that would come with having 1000 calories every single day for the many months it would take to lose 30 pounds. I might be able to lose it on 1200 a day, but even that isn’t very doable. I really need about 1500 a day. I hate feeling so powerless when it comes to my body, but that’s just life for most people. Nobody chooses to get cancer, break bones, have heart attacks and so much more… including getting so damn fat.

There are things that are a normal everyday part of life, and then there are extremes that continue to make me wonder if there isn’t something up there that has singled me out and picked on me for reasons I’ll never understand.

I consider myself agnostic as opposed to atheist because I have no idea if there is a God or not. Every time I think of reasons that suggest there could be, I am then presented with reasons to suggest just the opposite, and that God is just a fantasy fabricated as a means of controlling others and coping with this thing called life. I don’t know if there’s an afterlife either, and if there is one, I don’t know what it is.

But let’s say there is a God. One that picks and chooses what happens to us, good and bad. What made me turn against God? some people have asked. What was it that finally made you hate Him so much and when?

My hatred grew and my faith faded in stages. Four stages, actually. Funny too, because there are four stages of cancer, the fourth being the deadliest.

Stage 1: When I was struggling to conceive a child back in the 90s was when I really began to stop and take a good hard look at things stemming all the way back to my childhood. The childhood abuse, the constant rejection, not being able to get a woman I really lusted for, sexual/infertility problems, and then money issues, all made me start to wonder. WTF? What is this shit??? Could I really be cursed?

Stage 2: Yeah, I could be. At the hands of a God or just because? Well, I may never know, but when I was legally railroaded in 2000, I looked back and saw a clear and frightening pattern emerge. Everyone who ever screwed me over had gotten away with it. Totally! It was as if something up there had been protecting them all along, and this was when I really felt myself start to turn against God. I’m sure you can imagine what it was like when we lost our home in Arizona and then our land up in Oregon a few years later.

Stage 3: From 2007-2011 we suffered immensely financially and this is what really drove my hatred for any possible God home. We were pushed within a fraction of an inch to having to choose between the streets or death. Both of them would have meant death either way; the question was whether or not we wanted to get it over with quickly or die a slow miserable death in the streets. Our answer was obvious, although we certainly didn’t want our lives to end that way and that young, knowing we still had another 30-40 years left. We lived in a bummy old trailer with shit for space, and we didn’t always have enough money for necessities.

Stage 4: Ah, the final killer. That would be last year’s medical scare. It was one of the most terrifying and traumatizing experiences of my life. Even though I didn’t technically have a foot in the grave like I did a few years ago, this was what drove the nail firmly into the coffin. If anything could be up there with more power than any of us could ever have and it chose to sit back and allow for us horror, then I have no respect for it whatsoever. So God… if you exist, fine. If you hate me, fine. But I will never ever forgive you for the pain and suffering which you have allowed to be unfairly and unnecessarily inflicted upon me. Ever.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2015 Sometimes I find that it helps to get my anger toward certain individuals out by fantasizing about violence against them. At my hands, of course, and without ever getting caught. For years I fantasized about taking a huge yacht out in the middle of the ocean along with everybody that screwed me in Arizona. There I would slowly torture them in so many different ways, letting them believe they would be killed in the end. Only I allow them to live so that they are forced to live with the memories of what I did to them unless they so choose to end it all themselves.

My latest mental target is Bob. I’ve been on nights, so for all I know he might have quieted down recently. Still, he really pissed the shit out of me. Not just with his racket being so close to our house, but with his attitude and the way he suggested I consider getting an office somewhere. That was just so incredibly rude. Why doesn’t he consider shutting up?

Because we’re neighbors, I have others do my dirty work in one of my fantasies. In it, I take advantage of the fact that they love to keep their front door open, and a small group of strange men they’ve never seen before suddenly step inside while they’re just a few feet away eating lunch at their dining table. One guy holds Virginia down so she can’t call for help (hey, she’s the quiet one after all) while the others surround Bob and accuse him of owing thousands of dollars in gambling debt which he of course knows absolutely nothing about.

Because he was supposedly ordered to pay up a few times and didn’t do so, the guy decides to go “Turkey” on him. In Turkey, they cut off the fingers of a thief. In this fantasy a guy places Bob’s right hand upon the table after picking up the heaviest object he sees and smashes his fingers, thus disabling him from ever picking up a hammer or a circular saw ever again, but allowing him to live so Virginia doesn’t move and possibly leave me to get someone worse over there.

My guess is they’ll be here another decade. The next people would certainly be younger, but their chances of having kids would be iffy with more and more women being pressured to work rather than have families. Dogs? I don’t know. I thought everybody but us would have dogs here, but given that this is the West and they must be brought in as pets only here, I think that’s why a lot of people don’t bother. They just don’t think it’s right to take a dog indoors.

Even though these are just fantasies, vicious or not, I don’t want to post this publicly. What if? Just what if somebody actually does something to them? Well, I wouldn’t want these fantasies sitting out there for anyone to see at that point. Other than Tom, I’m not even going to share this with Andy or Aly. Just my sister.

I don’t get it. I just don’t get it at times. So many people half his age can barely walk half a mile. I’m sure my parents couldn’t conceive of riding a bike by the time they hit their mid-70s. Yet here’s this 86-year-old who can do anything a guy in his 20s can do. He walks 2 miles a day, rides his bike, operates his little workshop, and goes out every day. Never ever have I seen him take a day off to just stay inside and relax at home. It’s like he has an endless supply of energy, and based on how often I see lights on over there, they only sleep about 6 hours a night. The lights seemed to go off at 11 PM and come on at 5 AM, another thing I won’t say in public. They don’t have a computer, but what if their kids looked me up? LOL… LMAO! “Mom! Dad! The lady next door wants to smash your fingers and she knows when the lights are on, too!” ROTFL

I had to laugh when I saw a Sex Positions adult coloring book on Amazon. But all you would need was just one color… flesh tone. LOL

Tom and I were both looking at different brands of colored pencils and who would have thought there would be so many! Not so many brands, but so many different types of pencils for so many different types of projects.

I have just one episode left of Law & Order SVU on Netflix, and then I will need to find a new show since they don’t have a steady stream of movies I want to watch.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2015 I was up longer than I thought I would be and didn’t sleep as long as I thought I would, so I was a bit tired today.

Cousin Norma shared an article with me on Facebook about these heroic African Pouched rats that can sniff out old landmines as well as tuberculosis. I’ve heard of this before but it’s still just as fascinating. :)

Doing laundry now and looking forward to Tom’s 3-day weekend. Some of it will be spent picking out a new ceiling fan for the living room and new toilets as well.

We visited Tom’s sister in my dreams last night, and on the drive home, I asked him why he thought her house smelled so good even though she had dogs. He said, “Some people use flowers.”

LOL

On with the laundry and grocery list now.

Last night I had that feeling again where my head felt a bit off, kind of lightheaded, and I even felt slightly tight. I know I had a little wheezing and congestion during one of the many times I woke up yesterday because I remember coughing it up when I got up to pee.

I felt slightly bummed too, and the more things go well for us, the more I will return to worrying about the future and who’s going to be there for us when we get old, and how much suffering we might have to go through.

The nights may be peaceful, but there is something that can be a bit depressing about it at times. I guess because it's just all wrong. It's just not normal to be up all night. I should be in bed along with everybody else, but I have been denied that basic human right for half of my life since I can only sleep at night half of the time. But then I would also hate always being on days because then I’d always have to listen to people’s shit around here. Almost always, anyway.

In regard to my sleep schedule curse, Andy really annoyed me with his big mouth by butting into that post Norma made with the rat article. He said something about me going to sleep but he was sure I would appreciate it once I got up.

As I told him in a PM, just like it’s nobody’s business what his work schedule is, it’s nobody’s business what my sleep schedule is.

I realized I don’t have as much of an I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude as I thought I had and would like to have once it hit me just how uncomfortable I am with discussing my sleep disorder. It’s the one thing I’m actually a bit ashamed and embarrassed of. Until people’s attitudes change or it becomes more common, it’s not something I can just easily up and talk about with just anyone. Despite the fact that Norma is a very open-minded individual and would never assume something doesn’t exist just because she may not get it, I have become a lot more private than I was years ago. There was hardly a subject I omitted from my public journals in the past. Not anymore, though. You just never know what information can be used against you in ways you can’t control. Yes, I’m still a big stickler for free speech, and if I’ve got something to say I’m going to say it. However, just because I’m not ashamed that I was in jail since I was innocent and didn’t deserve it, no one needs to know that, do they? Why disclose unnecessarily? It isn’t what they think I worry about with some subjects, but what they may try to do.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2015 It didn’t get as cold in here as I thought it would early in the morning, but it did drop to 72° and I kicked the heat on for a few minutes before going to bed at which time I slept horribly. First, a loud vehicle woke me up because I forgot to insert my earplug, and then it seemed I just kept waking up for no reason at all. No racy hearts, though.

Sometimes when I think how I’ve got a dozen or so more winters here, and in a place with so much traffic, it kind of gets me down. Today was gorgeous, though. Tom and I went out on the bikes early in the evening.

Aly does have the early stages of leukemia and I guess they’re going to continue with the blood transfusions for a few months and inject some kind of medication into the blood while they’re at it. I really hope this gets rid of it!

I had a series of strange dreams. Tom overslept because he didn’t feel well, and then I was getting dressed to go somewhere with my mother. I grabbed a high-heeled sandal and slipped it on my foot. When I was unable to find the other one, I switched to flats and said, ”These are much more comfortable anyway.”

Then I might have been staying in some fancy hotel suite where housekeepers were doing my laundry and changing the bed sheets.

It seemed there was a cat in my dreams, too. Lots of cat dreams since Simone left.

Then two of my doctors were in my dreams. In one dream I was seeing my PCP and I said something like, “It seems there’s one thing after another. As soon as you take care of one problem, you have a new one to deal with.”

In response to that she said, ”We never realize the time in between.”

Then I was in a large swimming pool with my endo and some guy. I was doing all kinds of intricate dives that I wouldn’t have a clue as to how to do in real life. That was the only fun and entertaining dream… watching myself flip, twist and spin through the air and into the water. LOL

[cryptidsurveys]

Monday, July 15th, 2024.

Do you have the right time set on your microwave?: No.

Do you have any old newspaper articles? Why?: I don't.

Do you have a flat screen tv or just a regular box?: We have a flat screen in the family room and a regular box in the living room. However, we basically never use either one.

Do you have a radar detector for your car?: No.

Have you ever been arrested? For what?: No.

Do you know how to change the oil in your car?: I don't, but this reminds me that I need to get my oil changed soon.

Have you taken your shower yet?: I have. I took one earlier this morning as well as when I arrived home from the animal shelter.

Do you like Tootsie Rolls?: They're not my favorite, but they're alright.

Do you have a printer? What kind?: Yeah. I think it's "Brother."

Are you seeing anybody currently?: I'm not.

Do you or have you ever smoked cigarettes?: Yeah. A habit I still, unfortunately, have not kicked.

Do you like it when it snows?: Yesss. Absolutely love it. I didn't really get to do much driving in the snow last winter because my abilities weren't yet up to snuff, but hopefully next winter. Even with the additional task of scraping my car windows, I still prefer winter over summer. Nothing could make me love this heat. D;

Are your ears pierced?: They aren't. I had them pierced a couple of times when I was younger, but they got infected and I just let them close up.

Where do you do most of your shopping?: Walmart.

Who do you live with?: I live with my dad and three kitties.

Do you have a big yard?: Yeah, both the front and back yards are fairly big.

Do you live in the country or the city?: I live in a medium-sized city. Also, I was driving home from the animal shelter yesterday and it hit me; maybe it was just the post-rainstorm grime affecting my perception, but this place is starting to look really rundown. Like, I know many of the homes and buildings are now 30 years older than when I first moved here, but still…things just look bad. We're all poor here, lmao.

Do you sleep alone or with someone every night?: Two of my kitties sleep with me.

Did you have a treehouse as a child?: No. I always wanted one, though. That and one of those ride-in Barbie Jeeps. My two biggest unfulfilled childhood desires. :')

At what age did you obtain your driver license?: Twenty. But I stopped driving for a long time and didn't pick it up again until last October.

Do you look in the newspaper for coupons?: No. We don't receive the newspaper anymore.

Did you get a big tax refund from last year?: No.

Do you like Slim Jim’s?: I don't think I've ever had one.

Is there someone you would love to punch right now?: No.

Did you grow up fast?: No. I feel like I'm still catching up to the expectations of adulthood.

What are you favorite kind of chips?: Jalapeno kettle chips, hot Cheetos, lime, sour cream and onion, and cheese.

Have you taken any medicine recently? For what?: Migraine meds.

What have you eaten today?: I had my usual oatmeal concoction for breakfast, a granola bar for a snack, and a salad with chicken and Korean BBQ trail mix for lunch.

Did you or are you going to wash your hair today?: I did.

Does the water in your shower take a long time to get warm?: No.

Where did you go today?: I went to the animal shelter. I was there with Diane and Cassie, and Diane sort of stormed out of cattery without saying anything to anyone after she was finished with her tasks (which…isn't necessarily unusual). Cassie was like, "wtf, what did I do?" Like maybe there was some sort of minor miscommunication about something and Diane was upset about it. She also told me that one of the reasons Lucy didn't show up on Sat/Sun was because she didn't like being around Diane, and Cassie isn't particularly impressed with her behavior either.

I feel bad for Lucy because she really wasn't given the warmest reception. Diane can be tough to get to know and impatient with new employees, but I don't feel like anyone has really been all that nice to Lucy. I don't know why, either. They say she's quiet and sarcastic (which seem like great personality traits to me, lmao), and they have some complaints about her work ethic, but…idk, maybe some of her lack of enthusiasm comes from a feeling of not fitting in.

Cassie also told me that Alex seems like she's approaching her bullshit limit, and that if Alex quits, she's going to quit too because she doesn't like working with anyone else. She's like, yeah, I need the money, but I don't need this job specifically. Idk what's going to happen down the line. Alex has been hinting at quitting for a long time now, so it's one of those "I'll believe it when I see it" situations. I think she at least wants to finish her schooling and then go on to be a vet tech or something similar, but who knows. On one hand, I wouldn't be surprised if she was gone within the next year, but I wouldn't be surprised if she stayed either.

Are you sleepy right now?: Not really.

What color is your mousepad?: I don't have a mousepad. I just roll it around on my desk.

Should you be doing something else at the moment?: No.

Do you like your neighbors?: Yeah.

Do you have bedroom shoes?: I have slippers, but I don't have bedroom-specific shoes.

Do you get your eyebrows waxed?: No.

Has anyone given you flowers recently?: No.

Do you work Monday thru Friday?: I'm at the animal shelter Sun-Tues and Thurs-Fri.

Is there anything you are looking forward to tomorrow?: Yeah.

How many miles does your car have on it?: Around 65,000.

Is your alarm clock set to radio or beep?: N/a.

Do you like to go fishing?: No. Like, I wouldn't mind going with people and watching them fish (mostly for the opportunity to be out in nature), but I wouldn't want to participate.

Has anyone you know been arrested recently?: No.

Do you have more than 1 email address?: Yeah.

Do you think you will have the same job 2 years from now?: Maybe by then I will be well enough + have my shit together enough to be ~actually employed~ at the animal shelter. Yes, despite all the BS surrounding it, I still want to make it long-term/lifelong thing.

Do you have central heating and air?: Yeah.

Do you speed while driving?: Sometimes a little bit, especially on the boulevard. The speed limit is 55, but the flow of traffic is closer to 60-65.

Is there someplace you would rather be right now?: Naw. Here is fine.

Did you build the computer you are using?: No.

Do you have good computer speakers?: They're fine.

Are you waiting on anything at the moment?: For my dad to get home.

Where is your favorite person?: He's at lunch with Jim.

Do you ever shop at Harris Teeter? No.

Do you like to burn incense?: Not anymore. I liked it a lot when I was a kid, though.

Are there any plants in your house?: No.

[market-news-24]

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[cyanlastride]

im not very good at this. self-motivation, i mean.

yaknow what i did do today? i went on a walk.

there were some people at the mysterious house again. there's always people there, acting as though they live there, but theyre always new different people. i will never figure out whats up with that house.

there were people skipping rope. i think the last time i used a skipping rope was in grade 5.

went into the movie theatre. dune 2 is still showing daily. havent watched barbie or oppenheimer yet. perhaps i never will. no, i doubt that.

got food at the food court.

walked to walmart to check out their mtg stock, not that i would ever buy mtg product from walmart. not that i ever plan on buying mtg product again.

i was tempted, though. they had four thunder junction commander precons, and on the face of one was a sultai cowboy gonti. of course gonti is a cool sultai cowboy. i love it. does it make any sense? i was too awestruck to care. i did not give in to temptation. but i was close.

when i got home, i looked up the decklist. gonti was the only aetherborn in the deck. one of two aetherborn in the entire set, as there was a nameless aetherborn reprint in a different precon. what a shame. you confirm that aetherborn, or at the very least, gonti, can travel the omenpaths, but you do nothing with it. the most flavour i could find product-wise was written on the back of the box, that he is "representing ghiraphur" on thunder junction. oh well. i suppose i should count myself lucky that gonti still even exists.

you know, if that deck was cool i wouldve gone to my lgs tomorrow to pick it up. i would broken my vow to never buy mtg again until they fix standard, or replace it with something that isnt uber-casual whale-hunt-y like commander. because cowboy gonti sounded cool as fuck. rrrrrrrhhhhh.

why do no card games scratch the itch for me anymore? standard is dead, commander is either too casual or just plain unfun, fab is too strictly typed, hearthstone has been powercrept to hell, lorcana is too simple and also disney, battle spirits saga nobody played to begin with, this new star wars unlimited game has no product, the most engaging card game i currently play is marvel fucking snap!! god.

it was a lot simpler when everyone just played standard. sure, it had problems, but at least we played. i enjoyed playing. i lost as much as i won, and i had fun trying to win as much as i could with my limited resources. i put unclaimed territory in my non-tribal deck and memorized the creature types of all my creatures to know the optimal creature type to name is ever scenario. i wasnt supposed to win against the guys who had bought smugglers copters and hydriod krasis, but i still tried my best, and sometimes i came pretty close. sometimes, rarely, i did win.

the thing that impressed me most about inscryption was po3. thats when i realized that the guy who made inscryption was a real card gamer. i have sat across the table from po3 on friday nights more times than i can count. i lost most of the games i played against them early on... but slowly, i got better, and i spent less time worrying about them and more time locked in on the game, and nowadays i win two games out of three. i miss the early days though, when po3 was scary. when i spent 10 seconds wandering around the tables looking for my number, and another 20 seconds steeling my nerves to sit down and shake hands with the nerd across from me. i miss those times. they were terrifying. i messed up, a lot. i learned.

someday ill make my own card game. ill make it accessible, and encourage proxying. ill make it flavour-focused, and competitive. ill make it worthy of the community it will build.

i hope i make it soon. i cant spend all my time going on walks.