#what the hell does this count as

[thecranewivesrpf]

they should invent like. A way to kill yourself without dying

[huellitaa]

being a girl with mommy issues is so weird because like. you give me so much and i am so grateful. i die a little every time someone compares me to you. i want to make you proud. i need to leave this house before i go insane. i'm so lucky to be close with my mum. i break down whenever someone says i'm proud of you.

[atopvisenyashill]

Thoughts on the Alysanne is Maegor's daughter AU? I feel like it has some interesting potential, and it vastly recontextualizes different parts of Jaehaehae (I do not like him sjsjsjs) and Alysanne's relationship (such as Jaehaehae's treatment of their daughters) but I wanna hear what you think about it!

I’ve touched on this a bit before but since you actually want to hear my thoughts, allow me to present to you my Jaehaerys Is The Goddamn Worst, And Alysanne Annoys Me Too: An Essay lmao but my answer is basically “yeah all of what you just said.”

I think it makes Alysanne much more palatable (to me) as a character because as she stands, she just fixates on forcing her daughters through these fucked up marriages at too young an age bc it traumatized her to be married and pregnant at 15 too but she’d never admit that being a willing participant in her own kidnapping by her brother-husband was the single worst thing that ever happened to her, and because Alysanne doesn’t want to admit it (and Jaehaerys would never see it as wrong or a mistake) F&B really shies away from delving into the fact that Alysanne is as deranged of a mother as Cersei is. So as she stands, she’s very flat to me because she’s presented very flatly and inconsistently. She’s so in love with Jaehaerys, she’s maritally raped by Jaehaerys, she’s a loving and doting mother, she forces her daughters into marriages when they’re the same too young age she was, she accuses her teenage girls of being scheming whores then gets angry when her husband accuses their teenage girls of being scheming whores, and worst of all we are just told “Maegelle tells them to make up so they do” so we don’t know why Alysanne gets over all of this. What is the point of riding a dragon when you never use that dragon to protect your daughters from unwanted teen marriages? We’re just not given a good enough justification for why her behavior is so weird and frustrating towards her daughters.

Make her Maegor’s daughter though…most of her behavior as an adult makes more sense. Like a worse version of Rhaenyra’s childhood almost - a father desperate for a son, but lowkey obsessed with his daughter, who makes all his hang ups about his parents the problems of every woman around him, except Maegor is out here blood sacrificing and torturing and starting wars and forcing babies on wives he discards quickly and brutally. Then here comes Jaehaerys on a white horse green dragon to save her from the horror her life has become, and he loves her so much he runs away with her even though Alyssa says they shouldn’t marry because people won’t like it. And they have beautiful children, and a beautiful marriage, and build a beautiful kingdom.

Then her pregnancies start getting dangerous. Gaemon, then Valerion, die. Alysanne thinks of the shriveled up mutants she called brothers, if Maegor’s taint has passed to her. Her perfect husband ignores her no, and forces Gael on her. Alysanne remembers that he said nothing to Rogar when Alyssa died, merely wept. Then her daughters start to die. Daella, Alyssa, Viserra, all within a few years. Then Jaehaerys makes Saera watch as he murders her boyfriend, calls her a whore, and says Alysanne cannot follow Saera to Lys. Alysanne thinks of Maegor torturing the Harroways over Alys’ presumed infidelity. Jaehaerys says he’s sorry, and her daughter badgers her into forgiving him, and she remembers how she helped Jaehaerys badger Alyssa into forgiving Rogar. Not two years later, Jaehaerys passes over Rhaenys. Alysanne thinks of how she was never enough for her father, how she felt so superior to Rhaena banished to Dragonstone and resented by Aerea, yet there she is dragging Gael away from court because she can’t stand to be with Jaehaerys. How her father was surrounded by dead women and dead babies and how Jaehaerys is surrounded by his own dead daughters, but surely she did the right thing, surely Maegor was worse, surely the realm is better off? Is he right to pass over Rhaenys? Is she enabling a man just as monstrous as her father? She will never decide, because Maegelle will guilt her about keeping Gael isolated at Dragonstone, and Alysanne will do as she’s told, just like Rhaena, and Alyssa, and Jeyne, Elinor, Ceryse, Alys, and Tyanna, just like every one of her daughters.

I do get why Alysanne is Alyssa & Aenys’ and not Maegor’s. The weird Targ babies, the line not descending from Visenya, Jaehaerys and Alysanne being held up as the perfect Targaryen couple specifically because they are brother and sister and dragon riders. I do even think canon Alysanne is likely traumatized by her time as a hostage on Dragonstone, and the ensuing war, and the trauma bond that caused with Jaehaerys, and it makes her idolize Jaehaerys, and then he isolates her at Dragonstone so he can swiftly and safely marry, groom, and knock her up. It’s not like,,,, a fun time, and it’s enough to make anyone crazy and weird about their daughters, but I think having her father be Maegor makes Alysanne herself much deeper because it gives her, as the most beloved Targaryen queen, a blood tie to the most hated Targaryen king, and a marriage to the most beloved Targaryen king. It fits better with a lot of the themes of the main series (again, imo) - forcing the spotlight on the outsiders to see how the affect the story from behind the scenes. The fall of Aegon’s sons, and The Long Reign, not told from the PoV or to serve the PoV of any of the kings or princes, but of the queen that tied them all together.

[macksartblock]

I’m sick this is nothing

[ribcagebonemeal]

everytime i see that fag a day account, i think about my doodle of Paul that i did.

[tyrianluda]

he would probably sound like a "made by vivziepop" type shitpost if he had a voice actor.

[ganondoodle]

kind of expected that the ability breakdown wouldnt get that much traction (especially on twitter bc if it doesnt do well in the first few hours it might as well be dead) but what i didnt need to wake up to was looking at my twitter notifications and thinking there was a long comment on it at first but then i read it and it turned out to be some guy having dug up one of my old totk tweets where i talked about how zelda was treated-

and if a quote retweet with a thread attached already starts with "this entitled brat didnt understand that zelda was being a history nerd by being in the past and getting to experience it herself" with two screenshots attached of the end of totk with zelda staring at the cam all uwu (which has ??? to do with their point??) i dont even want to know what else was in that thread

if thats how the majority of the fandom is then im even less surprised that nintendy doesnt even have to try to write anything good :I

ah yes, i am a game nerd, and by putting me in a game where i stand around doing puppy dog eyes while being shoved around by NPCs is me being a game nerd OBVIOSULY

[olessan]

robomance

[angelbitezzz]

can't believe we're halfway through october and i havent drawn any of the bad sanses for gods sake what am i a fake fan?

[doubleslashkarma]

I've been having a lot of thoughts about Poafa recently, and I'm gonna try and condense it into something comprehensible so bear with me for a second.

Poafa is afraid of trust. He's said it many times, but on top of that, he's said that Zam is changing that. Why? Why is he so afraid of trusting people, and why is Zam's actions the singular thing that makes him reconsider his past several seasons of self-isolation?

Poafa has never had the privilege of being important. Which sounds really fucking mean but let me explain for a second. He doesn't get involved in most conflicts in a super meaningful way, and he's never the one leading the charge. And that's just because he doesn't log on as much, to be meta about it (but let's be real, we can't talk about Lifesteal without being meta). But what that means is that his deaths ultimately mean less than people who are more prominent to others on the server.

When Poafa is killed, it's never a dramatic moment where people are upset that he is the one that's dead. For a lot of Lifesteal, he's served as the stand-in for "innocent bystander" that people kill when they want to make a statement about something. People kill Poafa when they need a body on the floor to make a statement, not because Poafa himself, as a person, has actually done anything wrong. Either that, or as a free heart. People kill Poafa to affect others, he's a proxy. And no one has ever really... cared? People get upset about it, sure, but only because of the aforementioned "innocent bystander" position he fills. The last time I can think of where he participated in an actual team was S3, and he's already said he never felt like he fit in with Poggies. And then there was Cleanup Crew, but, well... I think everyone remembers him mostly because of the shitshow THERE. People still make Medusa jokes about him because that's the big thing he's really known for, and you know what role he filled there? Strawman. Fall guy. Never really part of the team, just there to distract everyone else from the real masterminds. The important people.

(And PLEASE understand when I say important it's not to like. Diminish any of the Lifestealers, it's just a shorthand for "more active, more likely to stand out due to their willingness to make big moves".)

And Zam is guilty of this! He killed Poafa during the S5 impeachment of MinuteTech to make a statement. To kill an innocent player, to mess with Minute. Hell, he originally said he was going after Spepticle! The target didn't even matter, but it was Poafa who paid the price for other people's conflicts, and fuck, man, I'd self isolate too! If I was only ever seen as a pawn to be used to fuck with other people, and nearly everyone on the server was guilty of either doing it or falling for it, I'd have a hard time trusting as well! In how many of these situations do we see people going after Poafa and making sure he's OK after? How many people offer to help him re-gear or give him a heart back? Everyone's too busy dealing with the threat that used him as a demonstration.

But then Wemmbu jumps Poafa and he calls Zam, the only other person online, for help. And he immediately starts kicking himself for it! He says that he needs to be self-reliant, because asking for help only ends with people wanting something from him in return. But Zam shows up and helps out and when he does it's for Poafa. "Stay away from my Poafa, Wemmbu." (CRAZY sentence but that's beside the point here). And Zam DOES stick his neck out and DOES go out of his way to tussle with Wemmbu, and even tells Poafa to just run. He puts himself between Poafa and danger, and he CARES about Poafa making it out. Because he's Poafa. Because he's been building and repairing spawn, and Zam noticed, and he CARES.

And then Poafa reaches out to Zam saying that Zam can rely on him, even if he doesn't feel 100% like he can rely on Zam just yet, but he's considering it. And then The Incident happens. And Poafa is killed twice, by Wemmbu, because he can. Because Poafa is free hearts. But Zam did try and stop them and he GIVES HIS OWN HEARTS TO POAFA as an apology for not being able to save him. And suddenly his life means something to someone. He's not another death message in chat, he's not "aw man, not Poafa! He hasn't done anything :(... oh well!" It's "fuck, Poafa, I'm so sorry, I should've been able to help you." And Poafa is like. Dude. It's OK! You don't have to protect me, I don't want to be someone you have to take care of. He says that this is the way it's always been, and he's right! This is average treatment of Poafa, right up until someone actually gives a shit besides "killing innocent player at spawn >:(".

And like. Holy shit dude I really hope they interact more and continue to team up, even though they stream at different hours. Because oh my god. They've both been burned pretty bad by The CycleTM but I feel like Zam is going insane without anyone to talk to about all the shit he's putting up with and Poafa could really use a relationship on the server where he feels like he actually matters. Can anyone hear me. Please don't let this story line die out i will cry

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Feel like making people miserable today. Anyways, here's Gon experiencing like. Textbook symptoms of trauma in the CAA, in case there was any lingering doubt about this or anything:

Initial denial that the experience happened or was traumatic

[ID: A screenshot from episode 85 of HxH 2011. Gon, eyes bright and with a smile, says "Kite is alive!" End ID.]

Flashbacks

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 95, and a third from episode 110. In the first, Kite's arm is shown in the foreground, bleeding and blurred. In the second, a close of Pitou's wide eyes, looking animalistic. In the last, puppet Kite's mangled and scarred face stares emptily ahead - the scene is greyed out. End ID.]

Intense distress at real or symbolic reminders of the trauma

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 116. In the first, Gon's fist can be seen in the foreground, with Pitou shielding an unconscious Komugi just barely seen. The narrator says "The girl lying before them brought back". In the second, Komugi has a medical respirator on. The narrator continues "images of a broken Kite to Gon's mind". End ID.]

Physical sensations such as pain, sweating, nausea or trembling

[ID: A screenshot from episode 116. Gon's fists slam into the ground as he says "That isn't fair...". Sweat drips down his arms. End ID.]

Extreme alertness/hypervigilance

[ID: A screenshot from episode 116. Part of Pitou can be seen in the foreground as Gon stares at them intensely, crouched on the ground with his arm resting on his knee, obscuring his lower face. End ID.]

Angry outbursts or other extreme behaviour

[ID: Two screenshots, one from episode 116, and the other from episode 127. In the first, Gon shouts "Is something wrong with you?!" as his face contorts with rage. His aura floats black around him. In the second, Gon, his face shadowed eerily with thin lines, says "The next time you try to delay me, I'll kill her." End ID.]

Feeling like you have to keep busy

[ID: A screenshot from episode 94. A close up of Gon's face from the side as he says "I want to focus on my training." End ID.]

Doing things that are reckless and self-destructive

[ID: Three screenshots, one from episode 95 and the other two from episode 131. The first is stylized as a black outline of Gon's figure over a background like parchment or a projector - he's been hit in the face and sent to the right from the force of the blow. The second is a close up of Gon's face, almost completely shadowed, with intense and vacant eyes - he says "I don't care". The third continues with a close up of his eye filling with darkness - "if this is the end..." End ID.]

Feeling like nobody understands ("since it means nothing to you")

[ID: A screenshot from episode 116. In a whitish-room with a crack on the wall between them, Gon stands ahead of Killua, facing away from him. They are both in shadow. End ID.]

Ignoring offers of help and shutting out loved ones... poor Killua :(

[ID: A screenshot from episode 136. A spotlight on both Killua, in the foreground, and Gon, walking away from him in the background. Killua thinks "I wanted you to ask for my help in defeating Pitou!" End ID.]

Self-loathing, self-punishment, and lack of self regard

[ID: Three screenshots, two from episode 110 and the third from episode 131. The first is a close up of Gon's face over Morel asking "When would you try to hurt yourself?" The second is a continuation. Morel looks down at Gon who is facing away from the camera as Gon replies "When I couldn't forgive myself." In the last, adult Gon, staring ahead, is animated in black and white with the only colour being the blood from the stump of his right arm. His left hand grips his shoulder. End ID.]

Blaming yourself for what happened

[ID: Two screenshots, one from episode 95 and the other from episode 130. In the first, Gon hugs puppet Kite around his waist. In the second, Gon stares blankly ahead with tears streaming down his face as he thinks "I killed Kite." End ID.]

Overwhelming feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, and shame

[omaano]

Art Summary of 2023

I kind of wish I had taken this thing to the next level and used a picture with a clone in it for March and November as well (I looked it up now, I very much could have added my Fives portrait or that first pinup-y illustration of Rex for March, and a very cute drawing of a clone OC and his dog (of whom I am promised to get partial custody, and how cool is that really?? and I am so very excited to show him off next year!!)) but it was also the year of Din in big hats as well, so I let those pieces stay :) You'll just have to take my word that there is a Rex in the July picture too.

I feel ike I have learned so much, and also have grown a lot more confident in my skills as an artist; I've learned that I love drawing backgrounds to make a "full" illustration, that intricate little details fascinate me to no end, that I can do fun things with lineart and my version of cell shading but I also miss dedicating the time to a full painting; and that harsh/stronger light reflecting off of darker skin is still something I'll have to study further next year.

Thank you everyone for your continued support in 2023! I have so many kind and enthusiastic tags screenshotted and saved for the days when I inevitably doubt what I do, it means so so much to me! I'm very grateful for the old and new friends I'd made or reconnected with this year ❤️❤️❤️ - and hello to new followers too, I hope you'll keep enjoying what I do here ❤️

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[club-prideguin]

okay im back and have time to post about this so uh. ok what the fuck?

tourist CONTRAPTION????

[childrenofthesun77]

I wonder if the count is going to be jealous of mahiru if he returns in one way or another.

Mahiru achieved all the the count so desperately wanted. He became kuro's eve. He became friends with him. They understand and trust each other pretty much completely at this point. And all without mahiru having to sacrifice anyone like the count wants to do. Before the count came up with the plan to become one with kuro he simply wanted to be his eve. But kuro didn't want that so the count eventually arrived at more desperate measures. I guess if they talk mahiru will have much to teach/explain to him about relationships and death.

[thetimelordbatgirl]

Lily calling Fullmetal Alchemist 'torture porn' for the scene of Nina as the chimera is just so fucking confusing though because...we didn't even see the damn transformation between Nina and Alexander??? In both the first anime and brotherhood, we at best get sad foreshadowing where Shou is basically told do something or lose your license and he looks at Nina and Alexander and gets the idea...and then that's it. No seriously, there's no transformation scene. We just see Shou get the idea and then we see him with the Chimera. And you can't say the death of the chimera/Nina and Alexander is torture porn because again, IT IS NOT SHOWN. Only the aftermath is shown both times. Like what is Lily getting at here, even the idea of characters being in pain once counts as torture porn now??? Did Lily visulise what happened and then blamed the anime for it??? Because that sounds like a her issue, not an anime issue.

[noahtally-famous]

kinda (very) ironic that the two allegedly "normal guys" in the total drama franchise have some of the most concerning lore/personalities