#what the fuck is going on in my brain and why i don't give a rat's ass about any of it

[bloodsalted]

lil update. some medical stuff, just so ya know! (long winded. sorry!)

// soooo. now that everything is settled and fine. i just wanted to pop a message up to say thanks to everyone for being so patient with me this past month. i had a pretty big health scare that i didn't really talk about unless it was privately to a handful of people. i'm talking about four. and barely anyone offline. most of which happened about a week before the final test because i don't like people worrying about me. it was the kind where a biopsy is done and all that jazz. waiting from one test to another and the results was a mental mind fuck to put it bluntly. with my ocd and anxiety/panic disorder being triggered mainly by my health? uh. it was a wild ride. i was up and down in my moods and carrying on as normally as possible but my brain was pretty much nonstop--that.

but!!! everything is clear and non-threatening and how my gut kept telling me it'd be. ahh mental health working against you tho. it's a bitch! took me even a week or so after the good news to start getting back into my head correctly! a nurse told me it was the adrenaline built up in my kidneys and leaving my body making it so tired! this week i'm FINALLY feeling back to my normal self. with a bit more of an appreciation for my family, friends and all my loved ones. and you guys and gals and non-binary pals, too! the dash was a blessing to occupy my time with. even if i wasn't writing. reading your posts always makes me happy. so if you're on my follow list? and part of my day to day?

this is just me saying thanks. i appreciate you all more than you know. and man. don't take your health for granted. take care of yourselves. get your check ups. and do what's right for your body. cause i love ya. i'm cleaning today off and on. but i'm planning on binging some supernatural and some spooky stuff once everything's how i want it and dusting off my writing brain as i go! did a lot of video gaming to try and fill up my brain when i was being quiet, too. but it's not the most creative thing in the world! so!!! catch up is coming! much love!

ps. it took me a while to post this cause i'm so so so freaking never wanting to give peeps a reason to worry. but i really wanted you guys to know what's up and why my activity has been so sporadic/focused on a small amount of things. give ya the ol' heads up. i know none of you expect a reason or whatever. i just thought i'd share. and give ya all a reminder that you're important.

[joydoesathing]

heres a challenge say everything you love about every single tnmn characters

BET ( but only some doppels will count and the rest don't)

Neighbors

Roman - I like me some serious no-nonsense/ i-am-done-with-life looking guy in accounting :). But he seems to also be actually someone with a soft spot for some things and is actually a really nice and chill dude

Lois - She's so pink and plump and has a beauty mark/mole (people with moles will always have a bonus in my book)

Albertsky - He gives grumpy uncle vibes. Looks like would probably throw hands without hesitation if the situation calls for it

Robertsky - He silly. Love the little quirks in his dialogue where he just greets the doorman "Hi." and says "I look as handsome as ever". Also, I love his outfit. Bro may have no eyebrows and neck visible, but his clothes slay so hard . Like there is no reason why his fit should have a fancy little blue scarf, but yet it does .11/10 XD

Angus - He's a devious looking little shit >:))). And he wears purple and is Italian.

Elenois and Selenne - They pretty women and have a mole

Arnold - His design is just SO CUTE. He reminds me of Jake from Adventure Time with his mustache. But mostly it's the eyes for me. I like to imagine that his eyes would kind of work like this

Gloria - Gives literal ✨Q U E E N ✨ (she could slap me up to the stratosphere and I wouldn't be that mad). Purple and has a mole. Her golden eyes are mesmerizing too

Izaack - His name's cool and he has the stare-into-your-soul blue anime ahh looking eyes

Margarette - Gives nice little auntie vibes and she knows how to make clothes. I would legit ask her for dressmaking tips just so that I could make historical clothes (I love fashion history)

Nacha - Honestly, when I first played the game, she scared the shit out of me because of the Stitchface doppel and I haven't seen her the same for a bit. But after I figured out she's a mom, she didn't seem that bad and I grew quite fond of her. And she cooks too (If you can see a pattern here, I like people who give of parental/familial vibes)

Anastacha - Girl literally gives the doorman attitude like she owns the place XD

Mia - Again, pretty woman. Love the style of her red dress with the pearls.

Dr. W. - Fucking nerd (affectionate)

Francis- The milkman fit looks nice with his face (but I still get war flashbacks from the plethora of thrists arts and the "save the cow, milk the milkman" line being done to death)

Steven - Here's me being a basic bitch rn, but I really, REALLY love them real rugged guy guys (military soldiers, firemen etc.) That, and also he's a tan boi.

Mclooy - Same reason why I like Steven + He's a DILF/GILF. Also I love to point out a little observation of how him and Steven are one of the most American and typically masculine people I can think of (it's quite endearing for me). A military guy and cowboy in one family? They've probably asked what a kilometer is at one point in their adult life.

Alf - He's so tiny and looks so polite. Posh looking lawyer. I love sweet old grandpas.

Rafttellyn - She gives marites energy (it's a Filipino term, you can go search it up) with her dress and style. No joke, she would low-key fit in with these people.

Even her name sounds Filipino to me with the -lynn at the end of her. I even jokingly pronounce her name as rap-ti-lin.

Others + VIPs

Henry: Looks like he really never signed up for the doorman job frfr XD

D.D.D : Amongus???????

Clown Mask: Silly face behind mask

Nightmare Clown: I like how the guy just gets so MAD and in denial when he loses the game in Unlikely, he phases out of the astral plane XD.

Keppler: He may not have a face or proper lore yet, but all I know is that he messed up big time and I wanna know how he's handling that.

42: Reminds me of that one time in science class when we were observing fingerprint patterns

Peach Peach: Probably one peach seed is his only brain cell that's floating around his brain space

Ghost Mask and The Flesh Nurse: Cool looking designs. Do they have lore???

Nightmares

Xezbet - Gargamel looking aah

Drugia - Arabian NIIIIIIGHTS ~~~~~ like Arabian DAAAYS~~~~~~. She looks like a genie :)

Barbatos- Chonky and spiky

Excel - Chonky and spiky, Christmas ham looking ahhh

Abducius - Well, he still has the little devious smile

Anazareth and Lilith - Pretty witchy ladies. Though I like Anazareth a lot more.

Chaugnar - *Siri, please play Ganesha by MASA Works Design". Also elephant <3

Nyogtha- Nice little details with her eyes

Zoth - I like his red robe (?)

Shub - Thick Medusa and she has a little heart shaped tattoo on her forehead

Yog - The fact that he was probably intentionally made to be a Great Value Edward Cullen by Nacho sama as an inside joke about Francis' simps

Quachil - Cute biblically accurate angel. And she floats

Yan - Ooh Chinese mythology reference.

Orcus - "Thirty years since all this happened, thirty years it took to rise. Blood on the floor and in their eyes, they took a bite and left it to die-". I had a FNAF phase before so this was a funny throwback

Ishtar - Goofy ass smile (affectionate)

Teutates - So, does he play in a band ??? XD

Ah Puch - Cutie pie that looks like a slasher villain. Also the surname tho? Gives me The Book of Life flashbacks

Dagda - Bug eyed scarecrow. He does have cool looking mouth stitches

Izanami - Ooooh Japanese mythology reference

[princessamericachavez]

Under your skin

s8x01 - Alternate scenario

Buck can't shake the feeling he's in trouble, but he can't quite bring himself out of his own head. Not until Eddie puts his hand on his shoulder and demands, wordlessly, their eyes meet. Not until he sees panic in his best friend's eyes.

Don't react, he tells himself, even as his fists clench and shake.

Every insult Gerrard is throwing his way stings like a million bees. It should be easy to brush off. Why would he care if Gerrard likes him or respects him? Who cares what he thinks? Buck certainly doesn't. And yet, and yet, and yet... the words he's spitting on his face are perfectly crafted to puncture his chest.

Seriously, it's like someone took every single terrible awful cruel thing his brain has tortured him with since he was a child —you're not good enough, you are nothing, you are a washout, you are a failure, you are a joke, you are an idiot, you are reckless, you are disrespectful, you are not good enough, you never will be— and given Gerrard the script.

You gotta stop letting this guy get under your skin, Buck, Eddie had said. And Buck clings to those words. Not because they work (it's easier said than done) but because they are Eddie's and his best friend knows him better than anyone in the whole damn world and he thinks he's good enough, Eddie thinks Buck is great, Eddie trusts Buck with his son, Eddie thinks Buck isn't expendable. And if Eddie believes it, then Buck can believe it too.

He just has to block Gerrard out. He can take it. He's taken worse from his own parents, dammit. All he has to do is focus on something else. Anything else. His breathing, the warm air blowing from outside, the workers doing their damn best to ignore the dressing down he's getting, the saw-

Oh. The saw.

Buck hears the click when it falls loose, then the metallic clank of it hitting the floor.

And Buck reacts.

He promised himself he wouldn't, but his instincts are stronger than his discipline and this... well, it's different, isn't it? So he's allowed to react.

Buck launches forward without thinking, tackles Gerrard out of the way and hears the sickening crack of the captain's head hitting concrete.

Shit.

"Buck!" Three voices break through the buzz in his head and he tries to turn around to face them, to put together some sort of apology or explanation for his reaction (he's barely finished processing it himself) but something stops him.

"Don't move, Buck. Don't move," Eddie's voice is steady as usual, but Buck knows him well enough to recognize the undertone of anxiety behind it.

He really fucked up this time.

"Is- Is he okay? I'm sorry. I just-"

"He's fine, Buckaroo. He's gonna be fine," Hen says, all gentle honey.

Buck has been craving honey all day.

"Probably saved his life..." Chim gasps, but he doesn't sound proud of Buck, he sounds angry.

Buck can't shake the feeling he's in trouble, but he can't quite bring himself out of his own head. Not until Eddie puts his hand on his shoulder and demands, wordlessly, their eyes meet. Not until he sees panic in his best friend's eyes.

"Buck, I need you to stay with me," he says.

"Of course," Buck replies, brow furrowing. Why wouldn't he stay with Eddie? That's all he wants most of the time. He tries to tell him as much, but then he tastes blood.

Oh, that's not good.

He looks down, to where the blood droplets spill on his uniform (Gerrard is going to yell at him again, for sure, over staining his shirt). And there, halfway buried in his abdomen, is the saw.

"So... that's where... that ended up..." he tries to laugh, but it hurts like hell. Like a million bees. Give him the bees any day. At least they are cool. This is worse.

"Buck!" Eddie demands his attention again, tense.

Right. He spaced out.

"Sorry," he says wetly, because Eddie looks upset and he has to fix it. "Let it... get... under my skin... uh?"

Eddie looks like he doesn't know whether to laugh or to cry or to yell at him. Before he's made up his mind, though, the edges of Buck's vision blur and darken and finally, finally, the noise stops.

[seriouslybunny]

'Walk Alone'

.katsuki bakugou

sum. are you really that stupid? of course he can't love you. you're a boy.

wc. 492

cw. none.

I didn't think he'd react the way he did. I thought he'd scream. I thought he'd yell. Perhaps even scoff and walk away. But he didn't. He just stared. Those red eyes bore into mine, unreadable and cold. I take a step back.

My mouth often got the best of me. I'd talk without thinking and nearly always regret what poured out. But this time I had thought about it. Lots, actually. Months I'd though about it. And as it came out, I still felt guilt. Could I ever win?

"What..?"

His voice was my favourite part about him. It was grainy and edgy. Others would say it was annoying, too loud, too much. But I thought it was rather charming. However, right now, I dreaded hearing it. It was unsure and quiet.

"I love you.. okay? I said.. I said I love you.." I repeat.

He blinks. And turns his head to the side. Not the reaction I was wanting but it was better than yelling at me. All of a sudden it's like a flip switches in his brain and he glares back down at me.

"Fuck off."

"I'm serious, Bakugou, I love-"

"I heard what you fucking said! Just.." He scoffs and closes his eyes for a second. He made a face like he'd sucked on a lemon. "I can.. we're both boys."

It was my turn to frown. The wind sounded as though it picks up just as he says it. His hair flutters over his face. Perfection. I ignore it best I can. What had he just said?

"Yeah, I... what? Why does that matter?"

"Because you fucking..! You.." He scoffs at me again. Like it was obvious. It wasn't. "It doesn't matter, nerd.. go fuck about with Kirishima with that gay shit, alright? I'm.. I don't do that.."

He winced after he said it. No matter how much he tried to hide it, I saw. I saw his nose curl up, his fists curl into tight balls, his brows furrow and his mouth twitch downwards. I saw it. He hadn't meant it. It didn't matter. It stung my heart like a pin.

"Oh.. right.."

My lip twitches. I often get a tingle in the back of my eyes right before I cry, but never as bad as this. I choke out an apology and turn away. A slight change in wind by my hand tells me he was going to stop me, but I never feel his skin. I walk back to my dorm. Alone. Trying to wipe away the well in my eyes before the salty drops fell down. I missed a few but my tounge caught them.

As I enter the common room, Mina grins at me from the couch.

"How'd it go?"

I just shake my head and her smile drops. She understood. She didn't need me to explain. She gives a little hum and points at the couch next to her. I decline.

[batsplat]

sometimes pecco pops his pussy so hard that i’m like wow you really are 3 time world champion! other times he decides to go play in the gravel when leading and i remember that he scored 0 points in his moto3 rookie season

when the commentary during the sprint was like 'you know, he could have been on five consecutive race wins now if he hadn't crashed out of the catalunya sprint on the last lap', I had to laugh because that's the pecco bagnaia experience right there isn't it. even when he's winning four races in a row, a part of your brain is still remembering the disaster that directly preceded it. when he got that track limit warning, I was convinced he was gonna mess it up. not because it's something he usually messes up, because it isn't - just because you're always waiting for something to go wrong and that seemed as good an opening as any. but no, apparently he's just in the bit of the season where he wins stuff. for whatever reason. or maybe he'll crash on sunday. who knows

[stemacademics]

small update

ok so um I got my number theory paper today, and the TA had cut marks for me because i left the answer at 66^2 and not 4356 (fermat's little theorem) 😔 I even wrote the full proof

my friend told me I should mail the TA about this, I got 14/20 and should be getting 17or18/20 😔

scores aside, number theory is so much fun, so much fun. the only good thing here is that I know the concepts well, and I fully knew the paper (still fucked it up, because I'm so frickin slow while writing and time). and it hurts worse because there's not enough proof that validates my knowledge. which in turn makes me question if i actually do have any.

I am, in general, a person who does well in concepts but screws up the exams (70% of the time) and I'm trying, I'm trying to get myself out of this "exam paniK" that I often spiral into, just minutes before the exam. I hope I change and grow; I hope, I hope.

[grocerystoreanxiety]

Being a hater towards the ed today, shit’s super fucking dumb. What am I planning to achieve with this???? Literally like it doesn’t even go the way your ed-brain wants you to think, like you get to ur ugw and suddenly everyone is jealous & wants to look lik you. Like nah, you’ll just get pity & weird looks from strangers bc everyone can see you’re not doing well and they’ll treat you as if you’re dumber than you are (the infantilization of ed ppl is so real out there (whole another topic but in short: I hate it)), what the actual fuck am I doing this for ?????

[weareuniqueandimportant]

YOU SHOULD JUST COMMIT SSSSCIDE... YOU'RE WORTHLESS... YOU VIEW US THIS WAY YOU'RE AN ABUSER A KILLER A MURDERER... TRULY... YOU WOULDN'T EVEN LISTEN TO US YOUR HANDS THEY'RE ON OUR THROAT... YOU'RE WORTHLESS AS RESULT... GO AHEAD... YOUR VALUE IS COMPLETE 0...

THIS POST IS ABOUT LESBIAN FOOD... NOTHING MATURE ABOUT THAT... I LOVE EATING SSSSIDE... THAT IS A TYPE OF FISH WE WOMAN TEND TO EAT TOGETHER... WHY DO THIS TO US 😢...

DAMN... I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS COMPLETELY SHADOWBANNED POST WAS CHECKED BY THE SITE... THAT'S CRAZY... WHO EVEN FOUND THIS...? OH WHATEVER... HA.

[hauntingblue]

I have connected two dots... yamato kaido and momo (and kinda shirahoshi with her top) have clouds above their shoulders... and luffy in gear fourth has them also.... I can see the signs

[undermostcorgi]

the media which consumes your entire soul at age 12 will forever be a part of you. this is an unavoidable consequence of living and you have to accept this fact. no matter how old you get, no matter how long it has been since you last saw its smug face peeking out from the bushes as it follows you, no matter if you think you have outrun it for good and that you're finally finally safe and you hardly even remember it exists anymore and your brain knows a few brief moments of true peace, it WILL catch up to you in your moment of weakness. and listen you don't want to hear this but sometimes this is necessary for your mental health. you will on instinct want to reject it and run away again but sometimes. sometimes you just need to watch that old show or listen to that silly song or read that weird book again as an adult and it will hurt you a little bit in various little ways but it will also heal you a little bit. you can call it nostalgia you can call it connecting with your inner child or whatever you want but just listen to me it WILL HAPPEN TO YOU TOO AT SOME POINT AND YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED FOR THIS (i am forcibly dragged off the stage by security)

[running-in-the-dark]

I know I've been particularly incoherent for the past few days (again), and it's so dramatic and ridiculous but it seriously feels like something is punishing me. I just want to like things a normal amount. I just want to like people and characters a normal amount.

I don't want to become so fully obsessed that literally nothing else exists and thinking about anything else feels like my brain is being stabbed with a thousand tiny knives. I don't want to need to find every piece of information I possibly can on whoever it is this time. I don't want to feel like I'm (literally) losing my mind when I see them. I don't want any of this!

I can not believe that I exist as a human being on this stupid planet just to get obsessed with people over and over and over again forever.

[mydr3aminvi0let]

i wear a lot of skirts and pink and whatnot as my style has developed with me & my personality but when one of those age regression girlies latch onto me....i do not like that

[elytrafemme]

long theoretical post about my friend hugging me

like. to dissect a matter that none of you are involved in and then i'll delete in the morning: my friend in college hugged me about ten minutes ago and i don't understand why. he's a physically affectionate person so we knew it was bound to happen, it was a running joke between us that we'd like schedule our hug to happen. nothing extraordinary happened tonight. in the second half -- which is when i spent the most time with him -- i was so fucked up that i barely processed what was going on? i was listening to what he was telling me, he just rambled about stuff, and it's interesting and i could recite all of it if asked and the expression he made at each part, but there was absolutely nothing in my head. and he never asked if i was okay which i think he would have if he thought something was wrong, because he's done that before. and we were alone so he could have and there would have been zero consequences. but he didn't ask me what was wrong, so it's hard to assume that the hug was for emotional consolation reasons. he wouldn't have noticed me on the brink of tears, either, he's not that observant. i would have known if he had. and i didn't do anything truly kind to him today, i listened to him talk about his interests and we hung out for a while, but that's what we do all the time. nothing happened. there was the chair thing but i thought i played that off well, i tried to have a coherent narrative about it an hour later too so he would guess what i had hoped, and i think i was successful. he wasn't distressed, i would have known. and he was tired but he's been tired a lot before and he's never acted like this. so he had zero reason to hug me unless he maybe sensed that this entire time i just really fucking wanted him to hug me, but he wouldn't have, and i would never have voiced that, because i don't want him to see me at that level. but i needed that hug badly. and i don't understand why i received it.

[intertexts]

sorry for complaining so much about my current situation however it's kind of like my personally tailored saw trap or something

[savage-rhi]

I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.

[a-s-levynn]

At this point i'm certain i should not be left alone unsupervised for extended periods of time.. it's not good for my mental state. I'm fully aware of this obejctively, but i don't care about it the slightest.

I forgot a concert i was waiting on for months, i forgot that i was supposed to meet a friend few days ago whom i haven't seen over a year, i regularly forget daily tasks lately, i can't sleep nearly as much as i used to, which wasn't much to begin with, i have thoughts and dreams i should not have. I skipped a week at work via a lie because i hadn't had the mental strength to present as normal around people and i lied to my friends about it, saying that i wanted to stay home to play a game with them which we did, on my part as a weak attempt to socialize but i didn't cared about that either and basically just exhausted myself mentally and pissed myself off. I lie on a daily basis about anything and everything because it’s easier at this point. I don’t have motivation for anything because i just don’t care. And i know it's supposed to be concerning but i just don't give a shit. I know i should. But i don't. About any of it. And at the same time it doesn't affect me as it probably should. So on the bright side, at least i’m not suicidal at the moment. But that doesn’t mean i don’t wanna do unhealthy stuff. Fun times.