#what the fuck do you do. you are in your twenties maybe and deeply traumatized already and also potentially closeted(?)

[crocodilenjoyer]

crocodad is so so so so so so so fucking funny but most of the fan content around it SUCKS bc of this weird idea that crocodile would be nurturing as if he isn’t exactly the kind of guy that would be dodging at the speed of light any child support claims nami keeps sending cross guild… tsk tsk.

SKFNDNFC LITERALLYYYYY

i don’t care what oda said in that one sbs i really don’t think crocodile has a parental bone in his body. protective, maybe, of people and things he considers his own, but i think if you put him in a room with a child he’d only be capable of interacting with them like a small adult, if absolutely forced to interact with them at all. otherwise he is Leaving he is Gone.

(note that most of the people crocodile interacts with are wanted criminals. he is talking with this hypothetical kid like they’re both in The Biz.)

also this is definitely me projecting a little but i read a fic like this once and as a transmasc person who experiences visceral horror at even the idea of pregnancy, i think this goes double for like. a kid that he birthed. yeah parent-child connection etc etc but my favorite take on it is that crocodile didn’t realize he was pregnant until he was literally in labor, and he had the genuinely extremely reasonable and relatively measured reaction of flipping the fuck out, running to ivankov the second the kid was out of him, and then pulling a complete disappearing act.

children are also a major fiscal responsibility and he is Not About That.

[the-owl-house-takes]

A lot of the people criticizing TOH are using recycled arguments from the SU crits and for that reason alone I know they're not good arguments. Something can be serialized AND episodic. This mixed model is present in many shows, INCLUDING ATLA. Something can have horror and romance and comedy, look at WTNV! "The Collector had more characterization than Gus" that is patently false. I am a Collector fan and Gus definitely got more focus. He had multiple episodes fleshing out his relationships with other characters, outside the main cast, we know his weaknesses, in that he can be blind to other people using him (a parallel with the Collector) AND he can only really do illusions. We know about his insecurities, we know his strengths, we know his interests and hobbies. People are complaining to complain. It's not lost on me that this intense nit-picking of problems that barely exist is the exact same thing that happened to SU. AND DON'T EVER LET IT BE LOST ON *YOU* THAT THIS MOSTLY HAPPENS TO SHOWS WITH QUEER REP, A DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS, SHALLOW OBSERVATIONS OF PROBLEMS THAT DON'T REALLY EXIST ***AND THEN!!!*** CALLING THE CREATOR A BAD PERSON OR A RACIST OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, AS IF THE SHOW SPRUNG FULLY FORMED FROM THEIR HEAD. (mod can you not post any asks in the future that call Dana or anyone else on the team a racist or anything like that?) "Oh the ending was rushed! It's bad writing, I don't care that they had a runtime equivalent to six episodes to conclude what they originally planned and paced for TWENTY!" Okay then pal, if you're so fucking smart and talented, then why don't *YOU* make a script that wraps up everything perfectly but the catch is YOU NEED TO ACCOUNT FOR THE RUN TIME (this is an argument about what we have being rushed so you cannot change the conclusions, because the "it was rushed" argument implies that "it would work if it wasn't paced poorly"). Yeah. Develop the Collector more and show us their change of heart in more depth? At the expense of what? Rewrite Huntlow so it isn't abrupt and is further away from both of their mental breakdowns? At the expense of WHAT? Include the hexsquad in the final Fight since everyone wants the deeply traumatized child to watch his abuser die (this is not something every abused person wants or needs btw)? I'd like to see you juggling (Luz, King, Eda, Hunter, Amity, Willow, Gus, Camila, The Collector, Belos, Raine) ELEVEN CHARACTERS. Not to mention so many of these complaints REEK of media illiteracy. "The ending should have been more like amphibia's" That wouldn't have worked with the Themes of the show. Not to mention the ones I pointed out at the top of this rant. It really feels like people have walked into a subway and are complaining at the lack of chicken nuggets. "I'm allowed to say my complaints about the show I like!" I think if you call the creator of this show a racist or insult anyone on the team because you wished this cartoon for children didn't end the way you wanted it to, then maybe you shouldn't be allowed to criticize anything, ever. Critique NEVER should include insults at the creator. Would you look at the work of a painter and say "Wow what horrible skill, what a lack of talent, this artist must be a real loser" and it turns out you're mad about the art being abstract when you prefer romanticism, or post modernist when you want neo-classical.

There's things that could have been improved about the show, there's criticisms to be had, but Critique IS NOT insulting the creator. And your criticism can be criticized too, especially when it is over-inflated or based on objective flaws in reasoning (like people wanting the ending to be like amphibia's, which, despite all similarities, WAS TELLING A DIFFERENT STORY THEMATICALLY).

-

[luvghostie]

Could you do the main 4 after a fight with their s/o, and how they would make it up to them? (South Park)

╰┈➤ 𝐒𝐎𝐔𝐓𝐇 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐊 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒

𝐀𝐅𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐀 𝐅𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐈𝐑 𝐒/𝐎.ೃ࿐

GN Reader

TW: Semi-angst, language, and aged-up characters

When you guys fight it's usually Cartman's fault. He'll bring any sensitive topic to the surface to get back at you. Whether that be something embarrassing or traumatizing he doesn't care. If it makes you angry, that's what matters at the moment.

Whenever the fight gets out of hand the others will step in. Kyle yelling at Cartman for being a dick, Stan telling you that it'll be okay, and Kenny giving you hugs or rubbing your back. This happened at once a week maybe, twice.

After being confronted and proven wrong Cartman runs home. When he reaches his house he cries for hours on end. He cares about you, however, he also knows some things were uncalled for. He shouldn't have brought up such hurtful things. Likewise, Kyle shouldn't have jumped in.

You sometimes hang out with the rest of the group to cool down. They all give their advice and try to help. Some of the advice is awful but you still appreciate the effort. The first thing Kyle always says is, “kill the fat ass.” Of course, you won't, but what the fuck Kyle.

Cartman will sneak out of his house later to see you. When you hear him throwing little rocks at your window you let him in. He apologizes over and over again. Truth be told, he feels horrible for what he did. If you forgive him Cartman will never bring up those subjects again. He loves you a lot and fights happen in relationships.

Kyle and you don't fight a lot. On the downside, the fights always happen because of his mom. She and you aren't on good terms. She's very open about how she thinks you aren't good enough for her son. That being said, you bump heads more than anyone.

You wish Kyle would stand up for you. Instead, he just sits back emotionless. He thinks you are good enough for him he just doesn't want to argue with his mom. He's always been a momma's boy and doesn't dare go against her word. You love him but you wish he would at least talk to her.

In the middle of a fight, you give up. It's always the same things coming from him. “What am I supposed to say?” and “she's my mom y/n I can't be fucking rude!” as soon as you try to leave he stops you. An argument with Kyle has never lasted more than twenty minutes. Either he apologizes or you do.

“Wait, y/n, I'm sorry,” Kyle said hugging you. “I'll try to talk to her.” most times you wouldn't believe what he said. Yet, he actually did speak to his mom. (with encouragement from Cartman and Stan) the next time you saw Shelia she didn't say a single word to you. Whatever Kyle did you were grateful. No words were better than being told you weren't enough.

It takes a lot for you and Kenny to fight. Like, A LOT. Whatever pushes that last button causes you to yell at him. Perhaps, it was the fact he was okay with how badly people treated him. Maybe, it was because of how much you disliked his shitty parents. Something finally made you upset to the point it turned into a fight.

Kenny doesn't get heated until you question his love. He cares deeply for you, so hearing such things are bound to hurt. He's worked many hours to give you gifts. He's even stolen items just to see that beautiful smile on your face. “What the hell do you mean I don't love you?!” he asked still muffled.

The boys watched in silence as you argued back and forth. It was almost weird to see it happening. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle just stared at each other questioning whether or not to stop the quarrel. I mean, it's not every day that something like this occurs.

You were fixing to walk away but just as you took a step Kenny died from a flying football. It felt unreal, but it was horrible to see him dead. You witnessed this all the time but that didn't mean it was easier. It was so unexpected Cartman even let out an audible gasp.

A couple of days later Kenny showed up back up to School. You were so happy to see him that you ran to hug the boy. “Oh, Kenny, I'm so sorry for fighting with you,” you said, burying your head in his shoulder. “I missed you so much.” Kenny hugged you back feeling the same way. Now, whenever you fight (which only happens at least three times a year) you always try to end it on good terms just in case.

Just like Kenny, it's very rare you two fight. Wendy is always the reason it does transpire. You've never liked her and she never liked you either. Stan and she used to have a thing for one another. You assume she still does based on how she acts. Sticking her nose in your relationship, flirting with your boyfriend, and even saying nasty things about you.

Stans made it very clear he doesn't like Wendy to you. You try to believe him but you still worry that maybe he's lying. Your worrying caused the fight to begin. He gets upset knowing you question his loyalty and feelings for you. A year and a half together he anticipated some trust.

Many hurtful things were said to both parties. Unlike Cartman, nothing traumatizing was brought up. Kyle will move Stan away to cool off and Kenny has you sit down. It takes a bit for you to calm down and realize your anxiety got the best of you. You go to find Stan right away and try to make amends. It feels icky knowing you should've listened to what he said.

Stan forgives you and apologizes as well. While you guys were separated he talked to Wendy. He made it obvious the feelings he once had for her were gone. It warmed your heart knowing he did that just to reassure you. As the days passed you began to trust him more and more. No one butted between you and him. If you ever get anxious again don't worry, he'll be there with open arms.

[rcksmith]

Sun — Kaz Brekker

Resume: Feelings are destabilizing things.

A/N: This story is not set in the books of Six Crows, I also changed the age of the characters to twenty-something because the idea of ​​writing something about a child makes me uncomfortable. All my stories, of any characters, are with them being of up age. Just like many fanfics out there in the teen series.

English is not my first language, so I so sorry if have a mistake.

Couple: Kaz Brekker/ Fem!Reader.

Warnings: Mention of fight, swearing, mention of post-traumatic stress, angst, mention of kiss, mention of desire, desire, mention of death, but so fucking fluff.

Word count: 3k.

Requests are open. Love you ❤️

— — — —

There were few things in life that he was absolutely sure of. Things that were immutable, solid, unshakable. That even the strongest of winds would not be able to shake the structure. A life built on the basis of an equation of chaos, suffering, death and despair generated a result where it was necessary to be sure of something. And one of those certainties was the ability of himself, of his instincts, of his intelligence, the notion that he himself was a person capable of resolving any type of situation with iron fists. The second was the certainty of the loyalty of his crows, of the two people who, he knew, would never turn their backs on him.

And the third... the third was that when Kaz Brekker first laid eyes on you, he was sure that you would divide his life between a before and an after.

It was a lepid, ferocious feeling that swept the body of The Bastard of the Barrel from the top of his head to the tip of his polished boots. The heat immediately gave way to a cold sweat, a shiver as if receiving a midnight sigh at the back of the neck. There was a quick sensation of burning in the heat of an icy fire, but his composure did not flinch a single millimeter. He had learned to keep it in all situations, trained with steel fists.

Kaz looked at you deeply, from the top of your hair to the tip of your feet, trying to find answers as to why you had triggered such disturbing sensations with a simple and ridiculous exchange of looks. But he found no answers. He found neither after a day, nor after a week, damn it, he did not find nor after a month!

You had joined the infamous trio because they needed a fighting expert, someone who could defeat a good number of men on her own without needing backup, which would make their bigger and more complex robberies much easier. And when they found you, a girl who had been the subject for a experiment to create super soldiers, your ability to fight, physical endurance, and your sense of loyalty, made you perfect for the job.

But none of that explained why, whenever the stormy blue eyes met yours, he felt like he was ricochet by living eels. It was exasperating, frustrating on so many levels that it was difficult to put into words. Kaz could not expose this misfortune to his two closest people, first because his pride in admitting a disturbance in his subtly balanced world was too great, and second that... even if he considered said that, he would not know how to name those feelings for express what he were feeling.

How would Jesper and Inej understand something that even he did not understand?

Kaz Brekker had a firm and calm demeanor, an implacably logical mind and a way of narrowing his eyes that ensured that his orders were carried out with great efficiency, all according to the moment he wished. Then, just as he did to get rid of any disturbance, he buried those sensations so deeply until, like his overwhelming pains and traumas, they stopped tormenting him.

He thought that, like his flawless and cunning plans, it would have the same effect. That his nerves could get back to normal and he wouldn't have to deal with the feeling that feel hiself whit cold and hot at the same time whenever he laid eyes on you.

But, if it was true that the practice makes perfect, this rule has not been applied in this situation.

The deeper he buried those beginnings of thats sensations, more of them began to flourish, roaring harder, as a constant reminder that he was not that rock of stoicity and absence of feelings that he liked to think he was. It seemed that, just as light existed to exorcise the darkness, you existed to show that he still had a beating heart. Hot blood still coursing through the veins.

It has not helped anything in his cause that, over time, Inej and Jesper have become attache to you. Jesper even more. But if Kaz put aside his frustration and irritation for a second, he would know that he couldn't to blame them. In fact, there was no way to blame every person who approached you, delighted.

Jesper once described you as "the soul of the party", and Inej said that you had fire in your soul. Kaz would not have been able to think of better definitions to put into words what you were. There was thing about the way you laughed, the way you talked, the way your tilting your head and your so easy smile. There was a thing about you. That transformed you into the solar system and people orbited in your gravity like planets.

You had a way with people, Kaz really thought it was a gift, a talent. You were always laughing, smiling, playing with people and making them so comfortable in your presence that, once, Kaz saw a trader, who are in a the middle of a refused to close a contract with Kaz, just melt and give up because of the smile you gave to him.

Nothing from you has been forced, malicious, shrewd or cunning. You really smiled, you really laughed, as if you were...happy. Purely happy. And, in a second of insanity, Kaz wondered if that happiness was possible. If it was possible for him to feel something like this.

But, just as Brekker took his soul close from you as much as he could to avoid any emotion, Jesper did the exact opposite. Very quickly, just like Kaz and Inej are, the two of you became a pair of inseparable friends. Were always together.

Perhaps it was because you two were overwhelmingly alike: Always in the eye of danger, addicted to adrenaline, purely outgoing and liked a good fun. Or maybe it was because, like everyone around you, Jesper felt drawn closer to your warm, joyful and comforting aura.

But whatever it was, the timbre of your laughter followed by Jesper's became a sound as natural as the whistling of the wind. And it didn't take long for you two to become partners in thefts and plans.

However, it didn't take long too for the reactions Kaz had about the influence of your presence to become...louder.

If Kaz Brekker closed his eyes and concentrated for a moment, he could still remember and feel that night perfectly as if it were yesterday:

The plan was succinct: They would have to go through guards, high walls and locks to enter a merchant's residence, open the safe, pick up the jewels and leave. Twenty minutes was the time limit to complete that sequence.

Everyone was assigned to one thing: Kaz would turn off a fabricated security system from a Grisha, Inej would sneak into the shadows to the safe and pick up the jewels, and Jesper and you would be responsible for dealing with the various guards. Everyone would have to meet in the corridor that led to the back exit.

Kaz did not think that that so ridiculous and simple plan it could go wrong. Or that someone could make a slip. To him, it seemed as easy as sneaking into a yacht boat. However, there he was, next to Inej who carried the jewelery bag in her hand, both of them standing in that dimly lit corridor, waiting for you and Jesper to appear.

"It's been three minutes!" Inej pointed, as if Kaz didn't already know that.

Her intonation was concerned, apprehensive, with a certain fear. Kaz thought about saying something, but as soon as his mouth opened to say anything, he heard...

Steps. Hurried steps of two people. No, actually, the two people were running.

Suddenly, you and Jesper burst into the corridor, running as if their lives depended on it. Inej and Kaz would have been worried if it weren't for the bastard and peraltas smiles that stretched across faces of you two, stretching their cheeks.

Then Kaz noticed the reason for the delay. You two carried a giant picture under your left arms. Jesper carried the front end and you the back end, like two children who made a mischief and was running from their mother. True accomplices.

Kaz's jaw opened, his eyes widened slightly and roamed the frame with agitated iris, while Inej was totally baffled.

"C'mon, C'mon!" You exclaimed with laughter in your voice, Jesper and you never stopped running.

As soon all left and took shelter in the safety and peace of the Crow Club closed in that night, Jesper and you fell on the couch, laughing and panting.

"What was that?!” But Kaz was exasperated "Do you both know how much risked the plan?!"

"It was only three minutes, Boss." Jesper defended himself.

"It..." That's when Kaz looked at the painting responsible for all the commotion and fuss.

It was a painting, a landscape by Ravka. The fold. In oil on parchment. A DeKappel. That was worth at least ten thousand Kruges.

“You commented that you needed a new painting for your office.” Your voice took Kaz out of the admiration on the painting, and Jesper and Inej looked at you as if they had discovered that now too.

Jesper and Inej thought it was just for the money...

Kaz looked up into your eyes, and the cold, warm shiver spreading across his chest and snaking to his bones. As it always did the moment yours eyes meeting.

He remembered commenting in passing, in a very vague and obtuse way, that he wanted a new painting in the office. Until that moment, Brekker didn't think you paying attention to what he had to say. Not when it wasn't about a job or plan.

But there you were, proving that you had heard. And that you cared.

His breath caught for a second, the icy chill turned to something warmer, like the first sparks of fire in a fireplace. The first flames that precede the fire.

After that, Kaz began to pay more attention, unconsciously, to what you said. And, consequently, he started paying more attention to you. It had been gradual, sneaky as a snake, imperceptible so he wouldn't be able to root it out. As if the universe, destiny or divines, introduced, grain by grain, a small summer in a landscape frozen by winter.

It all started with your comment about liking it sweeter than salty, that dry wine left you with a headache and that you preferred rum. He evolved to notice how your tone of voice got sweeter when you talked to children or animals, and more serious when it came to the safety of the three crows. And suddenly, as if Kaz already knew this as he knew the sky was blue, he knew how to say how your eyes sparkled when you felt the warmth of the sun on your skin.

In that second, looking at you from the other side of the agitated club that turned into a celebration with dance and music, the world became suspended for a moment. The music became just an echoing, blurry noise, the images turned to slow motion and the air seemed to change in pitch. You, who laughed and speen round in Jesper's arms amid so many people who did the same thing, were the only one who starred as the main attraction.

In that minute, when the breath was slow and lyrical, and the air had a beauty tone, Kaz's eyes caught the exact moment when a beam of sunlight hit your face, shining on your skin as if you were one pirate tropical treasure. In a burst, a second of insanity, like a violin string that burst at the apice of the song, he felt that there was nothing else in the world worth seeing that was not you.

It was a scary, terrifying discovery. Something that made him freeze from head to toe, and all the speed in the world came back so fast that Kaz felt dizzy. He pressed his covered hand to the crow's beak of his cane, as if he needed a reminder of reality. Something that would wake him up from those hellish sensations.

- -

The months passed after that fateful afternoon. Kaz avoided staying close to you any longer than necessary and would strongly and vigorously scold every change of tone within himself whenever he saw you.

He didn't know what those sensations meant, but he also didn't want to find out. He liked challenges and responsibilities, but being around you was proving to be more than he could take. Your presence ignited him in a cold and warm fire, promising a future full of unfulfilled infinite wills. From pain, impotence and doomed to failure. Any feeling for you would be more of a punishment than anything else. The only solution was to get it out of your head.

Of course, he had been trying to do just that since he met you.

But again, the universe did not seem to want to give up from he. Not so easily.

Kaz had to take you along to make a deal with a merchant who was more impassable than a rock. Kaz had tried to negotiate with him before (since he couldn't take the strength or rob what he wanted) and all his efforts were in vain. So, he appealed for the last weapon. The person who always had a natural gift whit other people and always had a real smile that made anybody feel like... as if happiness really existed.

You.

"I'm glad it's hot" You commented, while walking next to Kaz "I don’t like the cold."

How did he know that you would say just that? That was so you. Warm, sweet and cozy things were the embodiment of what you were. It was logical that you preferred the heat. So different from him that, instead of you, enjoyed the cold. Liked the rains and storms, relaxed with the moonlight and felt less tense with the midnight winter breeze.

Kaz understood your personality as he understood the very lines of his hands. You were wild, bordering on reckless, you acted before thinking and you always loved anything that aroused adrenaline. You ran like no one else, jumped from one horse's cell to another, decided to catch the largest number of targets just because you wanted the thrill of fighting five against one. Anything calm, serene and peaceful stirred your restless personality. And Kaz knew exactly your level of restlessness from the way your leg was constantly jumping when you had to sit still for more than a few minutes.

You were a free spirit, forged in the heart of the sun and in the heat of summer. While he was limited by his own body and built in the heart of winter and frozen by the cold of the sea. Anything between you was doomed to fail even before you two met. Kaz Brekker knew this very well.

“He is late.” You grunted, your leg was already starting to jumping when you two spent a measly ten minutes waiting for the man.

You looked back and seemed to find it interesting, because Kaz saw your eyes shine.

"Let's go there?" You pointed, and Kaz had to turn around to see that you were referring to a coffee shop.

Crowded with sweets in the window for a change. Why was he not surprised?

“No.” He turned forward again, both hands on the cane.

"So I go over there and come back quickly."

“Y/n" he just said in a warning tone, giving you a scolding look.

You mumbled something he didn't identify, turned around again and did your best to be quiet. Five minutes passed before that merchant arrived, and Kaz can perfectly follow the change in his posture, change in the man eyes when you greeted him with that summer voice and sunny smile.

It was so vibrant, so vivid that, for a second, Kaz found himself slightly swayed by all the brilliance you emanated. Pulled towards your like an animal needing the warmth of the sun.

It didn't take much for the man to sign and agree with everything Kaz said and imposed. In fact, he suspected that if he had asked him to give him his bank password, the man would have been happy to do so.

"Can we go in the coffee shop now?” You commented as soon as the man left, still turning around to look at you as much as possible.

Kaz restrained the glaring urge to roll his eyes, but he had just landed a very lucrative business just and exclusively because you agreed to help. Even though you didn't gain anything from it. So, if he had to go with you to a goddamn coffee shop so he wouldn't feel like a petty profiteer, he would go to the goddamn coffee shop.

Kaz just walked towards the place, and the wide, summery smile you gave may have he missed a few heartbeats.

Stop it!

Once inside the damn store, you scanned the menu that hung on the wall.

“I never took this one.” You commented, pointing to what appeared to be a very sweet mix of drink. Something that involved ice cream and chocolate with something else.

It was not the kind of comment that had an answer, and Kaz was still engaged in the mission to stay away from you. But he thought that statement was just the reason why you wouldn't order that drink. But, just as you always threw any worldview Kaz had in the latrine, you asked for just that. His eyes were bloodshot with astonishment.

“Why are you going to order something you don't know if you like it?” He asked as soon as you got the drink and paid for it.

"How am I supposed to know if something is good if I never try it?” You said casually, both of you going out of the store. “Wanna try out?”

You held out for he the plastic cup that was covered by a lid that had a hole in the middle, where a fat, transparent straw came out. Kaz looked at you as if you had created a second head.

“Come on, you'll never know if you like it if you don't taste it.” The two of you stopped, you still holding the glass gently towards his mouth.

“No.” Kaz shook his head.

“Come ooon.” You insisted, a petulant and amusing smile plastered on your face.

"No."

You shook the glass, holding it out once more. This time, Kaz gave you a slightly annoyed look.

"You're not going to stop insisting until I take this thing, are you?"

You laughed, with a triumphant and friendly smile “I'm glad you know me so well”

Kaz rolled his eyes, snatching the glass from your hand and bringing the hellish straw to his mouth. Hell, he felt so stupid pulling that stupid drink through that straw. As soon as the sweet liquid invaded his tongue, an explosion of flavors flooded his palate, causing him to remain unresponsive for a moment.

"You liked it!" But just as he unveiled all of your lookes, you knew how to unveil all of his.

Kaz handed you the glass. “Absurdly sweet."

"You liked that I know."

You joked and, for a second, you had aroused he a desire to smile. A succinct curve in lips. With your sunny smiles and summer expressions, you looked like you were out of an enchanted forest inhabited by mystical creatures. Sun nymphs. Maybe Kaz would even have let himself go lightly if, when you took the glass back, your lips had not wrapped around the tip of the straw.

Exactly where his mouth was a second ago.

He pulse quickened so fast that it made the blood burn in his veins. It was impossible not to look down at delicate mouth, the subtle but destabilizing curvature in the center of your lower lip. Suddenly, he was out of breath, his body numb and his heart stopped beating for a second before accelerating to an alarming level.

Everything became hot, stuffy. The world spun away, out of focus, out of existence, leading he on a waltz unlike anything Kaz had ever felt before.

Kaz Brekker was the Bastard of the Barrel. Dirty hands and scammer. Someone trapped by his own body and traumas, unable to allow himself to enjoy human contact. But, hell, he was still a man. And in that moment, in that insane moment, he wanted to pretend, even for a few seconds, that what he wanted was within his reach.

Kaz thought he understood the desire: an attraction. He thought he knew what lust was: a wish that people felt. He had seen countless examples on his bar counter, drunk and chattering about what it was like to want a woman, to long for her. He thought he understood.

And he found that he didn't understand anything.

The desire was a hot and feverish whirlwind that shivered he from head to toe, with dizzying speed, and dragged everything towards perdition, below any intellect, any rationality. Rationally, he shouldn't have thought you were even more beautiful. But he did. He shouldn't feel his breath catch, but he did.

He felt as if he were walking on a narrow suspended board. One misstep and it would be the end of it. Hiding his disturbing thoughts, Kaz looked away from you.

He was ruined for the rest of his life.

[phoenixyfriend]

Thoughts on “Auntie Soka and Little Leia” now that I’ve actually got it posted:

Call it a director’s cut! The process of actually writing the thing, and also jokes made along the way. Link to the actual fic.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the energy for image descriptions, even the text screenshots. Might come back that later. Most of this was DMs with @atagotiak​.

This was an entire thing before I even started writing:

Before I decided on ages and stuff Ahsoka, to Jango, who has had zero contact with Kaminoans: Okay I know I'm a Jedi kid so you hate me but this toddler is your clone from the future. Jango, tired: What the FUCK are you talking about. Rex, barely able to talk: Don't you dare leave me with him, Commander! Ahsoka: I'm not going to leave you I just--I'm so tired I'm so fucking tired I haven't slept in five days and someone tried to kidnap Leia two days ago I am so fucking tired I need help

Ben: [twenty years of depression followed by a 'now I'm safe' breakdown over the course of weeks] Sokari: [whatever the FUCK this mess is]

When Ahsoka mentions there only being three other Jedi at the time of her death,  I was thinking Kanan, Yoda, and Obi-Wan (Leia told her about the latter two living past her). She's not counting anyone that received training after the Temple fell, and she didn’t know about Cal.

When Leia says  “I was adopted and raised by one of the founders of the rebellion, a movement built on the desire to instate freedom and democracy in a galaxy that had lost even the pretense.”

Depa: I'm no therapist but I diagnose you with "incredibly fucked up." Ahsoka: yeah, that’s fair

"Why did you pick Depa for--" She's pretty and I'm gay. Also because of the Kanan thing But mostly I'm gay "It's not a visual medi--" GAY

Empty of context beyond general post-fic AU: "Hey Sokari, we need to engage in psychological warfare against this individual and--" "I'm going to break into his office and leave a threatening note on his desk and leave no other sign that I was there. He'll see that his security is nothing and the only reason he isn't dead is because I'm too nice to kill him." "...okay, not what we were planning, but that works. Why is that your first choice?" "I really like breaking and entering, it's soothing." Ben just standing there with a bland smile like This Is Normal.

"We need someone to infiltrate a highly guarded facility in hostile territory." "So we're sending the Torrent kids?" [sigh] "We're sending the Torrent kids."

Rex and Sokari insist on both going by "Torrent" even though Rex could be a Fett. Jango really wants him to be a Fett. Rex has too many grudges to agree to being a Fett for... a while.

I really hope it's blatantly obvious that Ahsoka's not a reliable narrator for some things Ahsoka: Fett could care less if I died Jango: jfc even if you are older than me I can see you're fucked up. Drink your hot chocolate. Hells. She's got good reason to expect him to hate her as a Jedi! BUT. THAT IS NOT REFLECTIVE OF REALITY

We don’t get a lot of actual characterization for Jango, but the way I played him out here is he has never really parsed that Jedi are people before all this. It's a lot harder to treat them as a monolith when the traumatized former child soldier is having regular breakdowns in your shitty little kitchen

Fett: I respect you Ahsoka: No, don't do that

Ahsoka’s vigilantism is something that, in my mind, she's associating heavily with Zygerria and then the clones.

I figured that she never bothered to learn Quinlan’s teacher’s name but in the process of looking up some basic facts (whether he had a surname), I found that Wookiepedia was forced to give us a VERY wide range of possible death in Legends.

Please take a moment to imagine Quinlan's FACE when Ahsoka initially dismisses him. Quinlan has put a lot of effort into being rogueishly charming! It's very useful for his line of work! He knows to expect either irritation or a return flirtation when he acts like this with people his own age! Ahsoka is not flustered OR rolling her eyes and insulting him, she's just ignoring him and it's a bit of a blow to the ego

This just makes me really happy:

This was the initial comment I made, as a joke What if Maul is just. There. On one of the planets they make a pitstop at. What if Maul exists as the walking problem he is, but fifteen, and Ahsoka immediately tries to kick his ass and drag him back to Coruscant. I do not have room for this plot but What If

Despite not having room for this plot, I proceeded to write this plot.

Maul is kidnapped and it’s the best thing that ever happened to him HE'S FIFTEEN HE'S DUMB AS SHIT AND HAS A BAD ATTITUDE AND YEAH HE'S A DARKSIDER BUT HE'S FIFTEEN

Ahsoka: I sense... Maul [takes off sprinting] Rex: [immediately takes Jango's blaster and runs after her] Jango: Wait who Tholme: Who Quinlan: Who Jango: [looks at Leia] Leia: I don't know who that is either! Ahsoka, already wrestling a teenager to the ground: Oh no, you're a child, REX STUN HIM AND GRAB THE CUFFS, I'M SURE FETT OR THOLME HAS SOME

Fighting him isn't even legal, they have NO evidence of criminal wrongdoing, so first she needs to yell until he admits to something she can fight him about

Ahsoka: When I see Maul, it's on SIGHT Maul: WHO ARE YOU

Ahsoka: The Force didn't give me hands just to NOT throw them when I run into That Crafty Son Of A Bitch

Ben, when they arrive, after the tearful reunion: You... you brought Maul. Ahsoka: Well, yeah, he's fifteen and kinda dumb. I figured we could drag him here and force him into therapy, see what happens. Ben: I can't quite tell through the gag, but I think he's threatening to feed you your own spleen. Ahsoka: Lol, yeah.

Ben is absolutely on team "get Maul therapy" and will fight the Council on rehabilitating the baby Sith But also it's like. Here's your daughter! And your niece! And your daughter's QPP! Also your best friend, but baby, and his teacher, and the biological origin of a number of people you cared for deeply! AND ALSO THE GUY WHO SPENT LITERAL DECADES CRAVING YOUR DEATH, FOR SOME REASON

I just really want Ahsoka lovingly bullying Maul She gives him noogies and the horns don't protect him because girl has reinforced gloves

Maul's only allowed a low-power training saber and his fights with Sokari involve Much Taunting by her and Eventual Screaming by him, and everyone pops by to see: 1. Sokari doing the most absurd flips, for fun. 2. The bullshit that is ataru-shien reverse-grip jar'kai in the hands of someone who makes it work 3. What a Sith lightsaber form looks like 4. Just the general nonsense that is the way these two fight

Tia said “Wrt ridiculous flips. I'm remembering that time she beheaded four Kryst'ad at once.” and I just Rex brings up the quadruple beheading at one point to get someone to stop asking questions and the awkward, horrified silence almost makes him regret it. And then Sokari just snorts and makes a joke about how Rex once speared a slaver point-blank and everyone's just like hello??? "are you two okay" "no"

Maul absolutely starts crushing on Sokari after a 'sword under chin' moment and she's just very "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you're fifteen, bye" GO MAKE PUPPY EYES AT OBI-WAN OR SOMETHING

The crushes are the worst part of everything, really, she's an attractive young woman that can kick a lot of ass, and a lot of people are into that! Unfortunately, most of those people are a decade younger than she is, mentally, because all the people her actual age look at her and see a child on account of the 17yo body.

It’s almost a good thing she’s in no place mentally for a relationship.

I just want Ahsoka to wear beskar.... I think that would be Nice........

This AU is also what caused this post.

I'm deeply enamored by the idea that Ahsoka can win fights against "older" padawans pretty much unilaterally, even when they team up 2v1 And then she offers to fight 5v1 "But only if I have permission to fight dirty." Ben approves it, a horror show full of "I fought many wars and will scream in your face or kick you in the balls if that's what it takes" follows She wins. There are no permanent injuries, but her reputation certainly gets weirder. Nobody under the rank of Knight agrees to let her fight dirty again. She just lets that stand because, well, she's not actually a padawan, she's thirty-three.

I’m not going to write this but my brain was EVIL and suggested it:

IT WOULD BE REALLY SAD IDK maybe 9yo Anakin has nightmares about what's happening to baby Ahsoka because bullshit about time-traveling force bonds IDK ANYWAY he cries to Sokari about the nightmares and she's like "oh shit" and it's time to go rescue herself from motherfucker unlimited

It's either that or she's like, expecting to welcome mini-me aaaany day now, for like, several months, before she realizes Something Went Wrong. Anakin’s dreams could even start right as she’s starting to realize something’s off.

Obi-Wan has never had a padawan that doesn't at some point bite Even Luke will, when pushed

OH also once the twins get Baby's First Lightsaber (training sabers, not real kyber), Sokari begs to borrow them for a dumb joke and tells Rex to get on her shoulders for a "Grievous Greeting" and they do The Thing

Jango and Ahsoka wrt Quinlan is just “Do I need to beat him up for you” “You realize I’ve beaten up sith lords before?”

JANGO'S TRYING He's just. "Can we be friends? Can I--can I be the guy that just noticeably gets in the way of a creep on the subway so you can be more comfortable without someone making a scene? I'm fucking trying here, give me a hint."

We didn’t actually figure out Jango’s age until this point. The only reason Fett's age matters is for Quinlan making a Wild Oats quip after Jango says he didn't know about Rex until a few weeks ago, and Fett going "How old do you think I am? And how old do you think the kid is?" and Quinlan getting Very Awkward as he does the math. Rex overhears and lets Quinlan sweat for a bit before saying "I'm a genetically-modified clone someone grew in a tube, he didn't know or have reason to know until he saw me with Sokari." Which is like. Eight additional layers of WTF, obviously, but at least Jango gets to avoid awkward wild oats jokes

Like, you’d expect the rebuttal to be ‘he’s my brother just with a biiig age gap’ or ‘he’s my nephew’

I find it very unfortunate for Quinlan that I've decided his defining characteristic in this context is going to be repeatedly putting his foot in his mouth

He’s trying so hard but "That sounds like a cool thing, maybe I'll ask ab--and it's another fucking trauma."

I'm doing Ahsoka&Jango t w i c e (there’s another fic where I’m doing it)

It’s just a fun dynamic! So much resentful respect.

Like she's twenty seconds away from calling him a bitch at any given time and he's just there like "I don't like you but I do see you move like you're about to tell an entire building to get on their knees with their hands in the air and I can respect that" Also she's probably much less judgmental about using blasters than Obi-Wan is The Maul subplot actually started with me daydreaming about Ahsoka grabbing a blaster for Reasons

I like the idea of Jango just deciding the most Useful thing he can do is help teach the Smol how to fight. He's AWKWARD around Rex and Soka because he doesn't know if there's anything he CAN teach them.

I didn’t actually plan for Tholme to figure out the age thing, he just SAID it and I had to sit there like Wait.

Ahsoka, Rex & Leia: ahhh, children Tholme: you say that like you aren’t children

I liked getting to write Rex's little "I have worked with all of them, and they're all Terrible" He loves them But They once got stranded on a planet that didn’t exist and Ahsoka died and Anakin killed a god.

There was research and discussion as to whether Ahsoka could win against Tholme but seeing as she held her own against Vader, and fought Grievous at that physical age without dying, etc.... yeah, the only thing holding her back was her body not being what she was used to, and she’s had a few weeks go adjust.

“I miss being able to just jump off skyscrapers” is such a jedi thing

Jango: I'll take the gun back if he tries to leave, they can't get far before--WHAT THE FUCK He knows Jedi are scary but he’s still not really used to just how over the top ridiculous they are He knows how to deal with Jedi in battle, not Whatever The Fuck These People Are Doing

Rex isn't even a Jedi, he's just so used to working with them. “Oh yes time for free-falling without a parachute again, same shit as always.”

Tia: I’m imagining Jango freaking out and Quinlan and Tholme being like. Concerned but mostly exasperated Clearly if they’re jumping off buildings it must be serious? But jfc they could’ve maybe communicated a bit more?

Leia: I want to finish my juice Tholme: Quin, stay with her while we go figure out what those two are doing. Quinlan: Wait what

Jango: Oh now he’s jumping off a building too??? Tholme: Sokari, you are not registered! You can't legally jump out windows yet! Jango: What the hell is going on? Is this normal?

We don’t necessarily know how often Ahsoka and Maul ran into each other after Mandalore. There was the later thing on Malachor, but other than that I'm just going with the idea that they ran into each other every year or two and just went for the eyes like feral cats

Ahsoka: I need to kick ass and you're coming with me. Rex: Yeah, okay. [several minutes later] Rex: Whose ass are we kicking?

Ahsoka and Rex

Neloms aren’t a SW fruit to the best of my knowledge, I just wanted to mess around with lemons/melons

Jango: you didn’t think any of this through, did you? Rex: you were there, you know we didn’t "When the Jedi says to jump out a window, I jump out a window."

Tholme’s real composed about stalking the ancient nigh-mythical enemy of his people, very “Life is already so goddamn weird”

This fic has been so heavy on the trauma but then I introduce Maul and suddenly it's the worst kind of comedy Nobody is competent, everyone's a little dumb, the bad guy is just grocery shopping

My propensity for banter has turned this into a six-person buddy cop comedy about Maul buying grapes They spend a significant amount to time ineffectually stalking Maul before Quin suggests the sensible option Quinlan just "You remember this is my literal job and specialty right"

Ahsoka sees Maul and all her brain cells go out the window except "Fight good" Usually she doesn’t need to worry about doing things legally. Maybe she needs to worry about someone seeing her do illegal things but she spent the past 15 yrs in a place where her existing was illegal

I feel like he’s also maybe kinda wanting to reassert that yes he is competent. Bc like. Ahsoka’s been kinda condescending this whole time and also can beat everyone up so. It's not his fault that he's actually the youngest person there, but.

Jango is finding this whole being friendly to Jedi thing a lot more overwhelming than he thought it would be. And overwhelming in different ways.

Maul usually signifies things getting worse and more horrifyingly tragic but he's just a dumb teen that they needed to arrest for his own good.

Quinlan: Look, I'm useful! Ahsoka: I've been through hell, wanna hear? Quinlan: NO. I DON'T. WHY.

Quinlan: I understand the concept of joking about your traumas, I do it sometimes myself! But sith hells that’s a lot of trauma.

Quinlan just wanted her to treat him as a Competent Individual, and here she is whipping out stories about Dying and Gods and the Force insists it's the truth and he just???? And apparently emo darksider over there is a Sith. And just, sure. Why not

A lot of people’s interactions with the time travelling disaster lineage is just

Tholme and Fett arguing and  Ahsoka's just waiting for a moment to pop in with "Hey, when's the last time either of you worked with the other's culture before this mess? Yeah, that's what I thought."

Much like Leia and Ahsoka hurting each other earlier, and Tholme figuring out the de-aging, we ALSO have Fett’s confrontation with Ahsoka being something the characters just did, rather than something I planned.

FTR the only time I managed to trigger myself while writing this fic was the “your behavior isn’t actually acceptable and we’ve all been trying really hard to give you room to recover but you have to at least make an effort to not be a bitch”

Writing about people having PTSD and symptoms of such: Yay! Writing about people having PTSD and engaging in toxic behavior to cope: Shit Ahsoka had... basically my exact reaction. It's "remind yourself that you're in the wrong, that they have a point, and then be overly formal in the apology because fuck if you accidentally make them feel sorry for you when they're the injured party"

Quinlan: Can we be friends? I mean, you're an asshole, but you're really cool. Let's be friends. (He MIGHT be nursing a crush) (Neat mysterious girl who can beat him up.)

Also he realises she's probably nicer when not having a slow-motion breakdown He's like "Huh, you'll probably be less of an asshole once you've gotten therapy."

...also, she pretty and got Nice Biceps

I love writing a good mental breakdown

I was so close to including a "he tried to kill me" just early enough for Jango to wildly misinterpret as her thinking Quinlan tried to kill her. He'd have been very confused, considering Quinlan's the one that called them down in a panic and currently has Ahsoka having her massive breakdown in his lap But

Tia:  I could see Jango interpreting it as idk, Quin resembling someone or for a moment acting like someone who tried to kill her and she had a flashback or something like that

There's absolutely room for a couple reasonable interpretations there And "trapped in a flashback about someone who tried to kill her" is absolutely what's happening! Just. You know. For a different reason. Jango probably wouldn’t assume Quin would hurt her, for one thing he seems to like her, for another even if he did he’s smart enough to pick a way that wouldn’t be so likely to get him caught

I had to step back and actually say “Also I'm just. Wow. I'm really just shoveling QPP Rex&Ahsoka at full speed”

Me, a few weeks ago, joking: Two halves of the same idiot black ops specialist Me, now, entirely seriously: Two halves of the same idiot black ops specialist

Me, belatedly: Oh, Ahsoka being joyfully mean to people was a form of mania she was unconsciously using to build a barrier between herself and her impending meltdown

She went from "just died" to "in charge of Rex and Leia" in like. Two minutes.

Confession: I've been delighting in the mental image of this whole Mess leading Jango to try to retake Mandalore, and Ahsoka loans him a saber for a 1v1 to get the darksaber.

“Can’t I just fight him barehanded? That’s how I did it on Galidraan.” "But the drama, Fett!"

Probably Rex has learned how to use a saber as well, because you never know when you have to borrow a weapon

I later changed my mind to Jango asking her to help, rather than her just sneak-teaching him, but it was funny.

Background nonsense to all this is Ahsoka and Rex, despite Rex being as force-sensitive as a lump of coal, having developed a process where she can extend her sensitivity to him mind-to-mind for weird symbiotic battle trance that scares everyone around them. It’s very similar to Battle meditation.

CONTEXT FOR LEIA BEING WORRIED ABOUT THOLME HIDING THINGS: Tholme is hiding the fact that the Council reached out and told him that the people he picked up might be connected to Ben and Luke, who showed up after the Depa thing but a solid week and change before Jango's ship makes it to the Temple. They asked that he not share that information to avoid getting anyone's hopes up in case the two situations aren't related. Ben and Luke haven't shared enough information for anyone to really be sure if the other three are connected Because the info Tholme has isn't quite the info Jango has, etc. And they can't just say Ben is a future Obi-Wan over comms

I just have a lot of feelings about people trying to do something right and just. Nobody's at fault! Not really! It's just complicated!

Tia: I like how when Ahsoka isn’t doing maladaptive trauma response stuff she’s very mature. And of course she’s had to be but it’s a good like, contrast. Where when she slows down to think about things she’s very sensible

Jango just spends most of this story lowkey wanting Ahsoka to Be His Friend but there's too much baggage that he's only metaphysically responsible for

Local aroace(?) has a squish

Ahsoka: He just wants to get on my good side because of Rex. Jango: I'm pretty sure you could kill an entire army without trying but you wouldn't because you have actual morals and stuff... and when I met you it was because you were killing yourself trying to keep (what appeared to be) children safe... you seem cool please be my friend.......

Ahsoka’s #1 weakness: mountains of trauma Ahsoka’s #2 weakness: she just doesn’t get why so many people think she’s cool and want her to be their (girl)friend

Jango, a 27yo massacre survivor who's killed Jedi masters with his bare hands: [gets lectured on various government structures by a tiny girl that's missing several teeth and needs to sit on books to see the table properly]

Ahsoka was raised in a religious meritocracy but developed all her opinions during a galactic war and then became a vigilante spy, Rex comes from a military cult, Leia is from an inherited monarchy that participates in democracy, Quinlan was originally from what appears to be a dynastic dictatorship, and IDK about Tholme other than that he is also from the religious meritocracy. And in legends Quinlan came to the religious meritocracy after his aunt sacrificed his parents to a vampire cult and then forced him to experience the psychometric echoes of that. There's just. A lot going on.

Leia at least has knowledge about structure and admin in theory that isn't based in either the military or populations under 10k

Jango: I want to be your friend. Ahsoka: Sounds fake.

I am unfairly fond of "Rex destroys a conversation by bringing up his own horrifying childhood and calling it a cult"

"Why does Sokari call you 'Rex'ika'?" "Because she's older than me." "...can I--?" "No."

Nickname privileges are extended ONLY to Ahsoka and older clones. There are no more older clones, so it's just Ahsoka.

Me joking about Star Wars AUs: Would you like a crackship? Me writing actual Star Wars fic: My favorite character type is apparently “too traumatized to have a relationship” so this is at least 90% gen.

I had to pull a scene opening at one point because Ahsoka's skill with not getting shot is actually much less useful than Tholme's clearance levels.

Now I really want a team-up of Ahsoka, Rex, and Jango where they do have to get in a dogfight of the "she flies, we shoot" variety and Fett just has to scream because the speeder thing to catch Maul was one thing, but this....

Ahsoka, before TCW: I know all the traffic rules but I'm not that great at flying! Ahsoka, after TCW: I'm great at flying but if you let me behind the wheel we are absolutely getting arrested.

She went from "knows the rules but doesn't have the skills" to "has the skills but primarily in the form of not getting shot" which! Is delightful! "Bet I can get us through that alley--" "DO NOT"

Jango and Ahsoka are both just very "Is this friendship? Is this camaraderie? My heart's been fried on platonic love by so many murders that I'm not sure anymore." "I've lost a lot of friends. I kind of forgot how to make those."

I have no idea if "hasn't been closer than Alderaan except that one trip to Chandrila" is canon-compliant but ehhhhhhhh It feels plausible enough?

Belatedly realized that I could just explain my optimal Rex&Ahsoka dynamic as just... drift compatible. It's vague enough on the specifics while still digging into the meat of what they mean to each other and how they work together. The terminology is already in existence. I can just use it.

Romantic? Platonic? Familial? Doesn't matter! They're drift compatible.

They are important to each other and that is what matters

I really like the Leia&Quinlan thing. He's just like "This small child needs a friend that isn't super depressed," and decided he's going to be her friend. I keep trying to toss in "Quinlan volunteers to 'baby'sit." She's not much older and she has a Baby Brain, it works out

There's a running bet as to whether Leia will leave the Order the second she turns thirteen, or if she'll let Sokari "train" her for a few years first. And... that’s how I came up with Leia Antilles, Senator of Serenno.

They'll be bullshitting Ben as her new master to "finish out the padawanship" since they can't tell everyone she's really in her thirties and he's conveniently there and already knows everything and was half her master anyway. Like Ben was planning on taking on Luke, but Luke is "six" and even he can't swing that as old enough to be a Padawan, and it's not like Sokari will take more than a handful of years to justify knighthood, sooooooooo

[keilemlucent]

lavender latte x (no longer canon)

NOTE: Chapters X and XI are not longer considered canon in Lavender Latte. 

...

(M (for now!) 

hawks | takami keigo x reader

ao3

||  series masterlist  ||

word count: ~4.4k

beta’ed: @hawnks​ (thank u!!! 💗)

the softness after the storm

warnings: reference to the panic attacks/dissociation of the last few chapters, fragile reader, mostly fluff. so much fluff. nesting too.

 ...

hello <3 ll is alive and well to the point where... i made another mega chapter that i had to split, so here’s the first chunk! just lots of softness, hurt/comfort and fluff. both of u need it. we all need it right now. find some comfort if u can loves 💗

(psst-- thank you all for sticking around for this series, i adore you all with my whole heart!!!!!!) 

||||||||||||||||||

After all of the noise and pain of the morning, Keigo and you stayed twisted in each other for a long time.

You both needed it, the softness and heat of the other.

You clung onto him, taking in big gulps of his smell and presence as he tethered you to earth purely by breathing and living.

 You were precious to Keigo, more than anything.

As tender as the time together was, he couldn’t forget that what preceded it was not only traumatic but induced by trauma. 

It worried him, to his core. 

That protective flare quieted, somewhat, but never truly went away. Keeping you in his arms, whispering new ‘I love you’s and being able to comfort you certainly helped, but he knew he’d need to examine that part of himself more thoroughly. 

It was new, strong, and ran deep.

His mental musings dissolved when you trembled particularly hard in his arms, his gut twisting.

He placed a few slow, kind kisses where he could reach, rubbing his fingers into the tension in the fat above your hips, “You’re okay, (Y/N), we’re safe.”

“A-are you sure?” You asked softly, again, trying to tug Keigo closer.

He nodded, nuzzling into your hair, “I promise.”

It worried him, how much reassurance you were asking for. He gave it freely, of course, as it was not only the truth, but feeling some of the tension drain from your body with his words felt good.

He knew you just needed to feel grounded. 

“I love you,” You barely looked up at him, eyes shining.

His heart ached as he gently pulled you closer, pressing his lips to yours.

It wasn’t a chaste kiss, something deeper, like those you had been sharing all day as you both unwound. 

You grabbed at his face, stuttering breaths into his mouth as he gathered you up by your waist.

“I love you too, dove. So much,” Keigo spoke between kisses, hands dipping just below your waistband, only to massage at any tension he could find. “I’ve gotcha’.”

You stifle something like a sob, cuddling back into him, your light trembling somewhat dulled.

 It felt good to say ‘love you’s to Keigo.

But, physically?

You felt like shit

Your hand and leg ached. The adrenaline lingered in your system, making your body shake out of your control and sleep impossible to reach, as exhausted as you were. That wasn’t even to mention the headache you had from crying for so long and the lack of food and caffeine in your body. 

Keigo smoothed a hand over your back, setting it at the base of your skull, “How are you feeling?”

“Gross,” You mumbled, keeping your eyes shut and mentally blessing the darkness Keigo provided. “Sort of awful.” 

“I can imagine,” Keigo squeezed your sides. “Do you want some water?”

“S-sure.”

Keigo immediately helped you sit up against your headboard, a fresh bottle of water pressed into your hand. You appreciated that it wasn’t glass, just an old plastic one you’d had hidden away in a cupboard.

You sipped greedily, the water feeling far too cold in your stomach. You frowned.

“I think I need to eat, even if I don’t feel like I need to,” You said quietly, folding your hands in your lap. 

“Would you like me to help with that?” Keigo asked softly.

You nodded.

Keigo hummed again, something low and sweet that made your eyes go half-lidded as you leaned against him.

“How about this?” He tapped the top of the water bottle. “I’m still stuck in my hero uniform, so I can run home and grab a change of clothes, sleepover stuff, some food, and whatever else you need and then we camp out for the rest of the day?”

The thought of being able to nest with Keigo for the rest of the day was heavenly. 

“You want to stay the night?” You asked, confirming, flickering your gaze up nervously.

Despite the dulling of it all, it was obvious you were still frayed.

It broke Keigo’s heart.

“Of course,” Keigo beamed you the best smile he could, pressing his lips to your forehead. “I’ll hold you all night, keep you safe, dove, the whole bit.”

You didn’t reply, not verbally. All you could do was sag in his arms, nodding and pressing small kisses to his covered collar bones.

“Can you stay a little longer now?” You sniffled, curling around him. “Just a little.”

His chest ached with how fragile you sounded. 

“However long you need, dove, promise,” Keigo pulled you close, into his lap and wrapped what he could of his wings and feathers around your shoulders. 

...

Keigo departed an hour or so later, sometime near noon. He helped you into the living room, draping a blanket over your shoulders and putting the plushie into your arms.

He knelt in front of you, squeezing your hands, “I won’t be long, promise.”

You bit your lip, nodding.

“Can I ask something?”

“Anything, dove.”

“Can I have one of your feathers, while you’re gone?”

Keigo’s heart panged so hard in his chest, it felt like a bell toll vibrating to the tips of his fingers. 

A few of his plumes fell into and around your lap, softened and rippling. 

“Of course, dove, bare minimum,” He pressed a few kisses to your knuckles. “I’ll be back soon, okay?”

You were already sinking into the cushions of the couch, eyes tired and wide, “Thank you, Keigo. I love you.

“I love you too, angel.”

He kissed your forehead before taking off from your balcony.

...

You were so tired. 

Quickly, you fell onto the couch, eyes half-lidded, but your body was still too restless for sleep.

You felt like human vibration, sticky and wrong. As much as the anxiety of the earlier day had died down, you still shook with the physical and mental aftershocks of it all.

It made you that much more thankful that Keigo was staying.

You were self-aware enough to be coming to terms with that you needed a fucking therapist. 

Not that that was a bad thing, but you felt a little dumb for not thinking about it sooner. As soothing as Keigo’s kindness was, you knew it wasn’t a cure. All the aches ran too deeply and personally for that. 

The thought was shoved off, the lingers of the trauma-spiral making your brain spin again.

You winced, curling around the plushie and Keigo’s lingering feathers. 

Still raw.

You shuddered, cursing that you still hadn’t stopped shaking, hadn’t stopped flinching— 

It’s not that easy, you reminded yourself.

You made a mental note to thank Keigo profusely for dealing with you in such a fragile state.

 Keigo had flown back to his penthouse, shucking off his uniform in favor of a pair of joggers and a loose, cropped sweater. His wings stretched up and out from the specially-made slits, still sparse from the day prior. Notably, taking a day off was probably a good thing for himself. He could still feel the aches of his own exhaustion, worse than its normal perpetual throb, from his recent healing.

 As he gathered his things around the penthouse, he was acutely aware of you and your physical state from the feathers he left behind. Considering he was practically on the other side of the city, the sensations were fairly dull, but undeniably there. 

The flutter of your heart and the shaking of your body were unmistakable and unavoidable. 

Keigo remained on edge, jaw set. There was a constant flood of newly unsuppressed feelings around you that he genuinely didn’t know what to fucking do with.

Mainly, the big, lurking need to protect you.

It wasn’t like his instinct to fix up the world and save civilians with a smile on his face. All of that was different, ultimately rooted in his primary goal of allowing himself rest— 

No, around you, it was the deep, carnal need to keep you safe.

Hence why the shuddering of your limbs against the faraway feathers was so hard to ignore. 

Despite how much Keigo wanted to call you, check-in despite the fact he’d been gone for maybe twenty, he took a moment to collect himself.

Carefully, Keigo took some pointed breaths, wings and shoulders sagging.

He could only do so much.

He knew enough about hurt and pain to understand that he couldn’t stitch you up, no, that was a terrible idea. Sometimes you just had to hurt before you could feel better.

Keigo made a mental point to stay with you through it all, to try and support and comfort you where he could, like he had been. 

It satisfied enough of that instinct that he could’ve purred.

He grabbed his phone, sending off a text before flying from his balcony once more.

 [birdboy <3]: hey angel ;^) i’m gonna pick u up some surprises

[birdboy <3]: good stuff

[birdboy <3]: i’ll be back very soon

[birdboy <3]: love u!! <3!!

 You smiled at the texts, taking a shaking breath and burrowing deeper. You sent off your own I love you, antsy with your lack of him. Ultimately, you wanted Keigo to be back soon, but being alone for a little while was probably good.

It allowed you some precious moments of self-soothing.

You were fine, you reminded yourself. Nothing in your apartment was harmful. You were safe, despite the adrenaline and remnants of fear.

Now was the time for rest.

You pushed off the couch, grabbing your crutches and started to make a plan. 

It wasn’t a difficult one, mainly scrutinizing the layout of your bedroom in conjunction to the size of your TV. 

Making your way to the kitchen was difficult, some fear still boiling in you as you approached.

You sighed in relief when you noticed the spotless sink and counters. 

Keigo must’ve cleaned up.

You reminded yourself aloud to thank him later.

Shuffling to a nook in the counter, you grabbed a small metal tin, two mugs, and two tea strainers. The tea blend you’d grabbed was one you’d been reaching for often enough that you���d started to just keep it at an arm's reach.

You popped the lid, sucking down the floral fragrance with a sigh.

Shaky as you were, you could do this much.

You gave yourself a little smile and got to work. 

 Keigo was busy as well, dashing around town to gather what he could.

He didn’t tend to... shop. Most of those needs were met with delivery services and online ordering as it tended to be so much easier than being the number two pro hero out in public and trying to be ‘casual’ with two massive pairs of red wings.

It was slightly better, consider how they were still plucked from the day prior. 

He flew from store to store, trying his best to be quick at dodging his fans, repeating that he was having a ‘self-care day’ in the wake of getting so beat up. 

It wasn’t really a lie.

His final stop, feathers towing a few bags behind him, was picking up one of your comfort foods, a smile growing on his face.

Keigo knew that all he was doing wouldn’t make you feel better in the way that a few fragments of him wanted it to. Part of him wanted to save you— 

But that’s not how people work.

And he knew that.

Instead, he’d just be there.

That felt far better than agonizing about wounds too deep for even you, their bearer, to fully perceive. 

Keigo shook his head as he neared your apartment once more, your sounds and movements becoming stronger against the feathers he’d left behind. 

 You jumped at the clear ‘thump’ echoing from your balcony, but were quickly soothed as the door slid open, revealing a soft-smiling Keigo.

He was on you in an instant.

Carefully, notably.

He was falling onto the couch next to you, a bundle of feathers resituating themselves to his wings as he tugged you into his arms.

Keigo winded his arms around your waist, pulling you as close as he could manage while peppering little kisses on your cheeks. 

As saturated and sticky as your mind was, his firm touch and the feather-light brushing of his lips made your body thrum in a pleasant way. His contact was soothing the fresh burns and you let it.

“I missed you.”

It was a mutual sentiment. 

He squeezed you, tight, a broad wing wrapping around you both.

“What did you end up doing?” You asked, voice soft and filled with a lingering weakness.

Keigo directed you with a glance to the several bags stacked by the door.

“I used a bit of my hero’s paycheck to treat you, a little extra comfort,” Keigo hummed, nosing into your hair. 

“You didn’t have to—” 

Keigo quieted you with a quick kiss, a hand dipping under your shirt to smooth up your spine. 

“Hush, let me spoil you,” His lips quirked up as he spoke. “You deserve it, you know. Not to mention, I’m more than able to.”

He wasn’t wrong. 

You’d subconsciously shoved down the thought, avoiding ogling at Keigo’s obvious wealth. He had to be loaded, money wouldn’t be an issue. 

You thought for a moment, turning over the idea as your anxiety stirred, the ambient quaking of your body picking up. 

“Today has sucked.”

Part of you felt guilt, overwhelmingly. 

Keigo had done so much for you already, physically and emotionally. 

It was a short-lived feeling as you met his gaze.

It made you feel so damn precious.

You’d seen Keigo smile for photos and on billboards, but it was nothing like the ones he gave you. His expression was all that warmth and honey that you loved about him, delivered through the melted-cores of his eyes.

And it clicked.

You said nothing, knowing that the conversation and implication of it all made your heart swell so much, it ached.

“Okay, just this once, okay? And you gotta let me treat you to some tea,” You managed a little smile, something small and sacred that made Keigo’s heart swell.

 Keigo followed you into the kitchen, shuffling to meet your slow pace. Each of your movements was clearly labored, but you didn’t seem as perturbed as he would've thought.

You hit a button on the electric kettle, fiddling with the stem of the pre-prepared mugs. They already had small, metal balls made of mesh, filled with what leaves and flowers. Set nearby was a carton of oat milk and a jar of honey with a homemade label.

Keigo blinked.

“Did... you put this all together while I was gone?”

“I did,” You nodded easily, eyes drifting to the bubbling of the kettle. “It’s the least I could do, you know?”

Keigo’s gut went into knots, a mix of things that were hard to parse through. Mostly, it was that chest tightening mix of worry and syrupy adoration that he wanted to drown in. 

Carefully, yet firmly as he could, he tugged your close by the waist, burying his nose in your hair, “You’re too good.”

“Says you,” You reminded him. “You’re the one who’s been doing the heavy lifting today, birdboy.”

Keigo gently scoffed against your crown, “‘Heavy lifting’? Bare minimum, as far as I know. I like being here and helping you, you know.”

You paused.

“You... do?”

Your words were punctuated by the click of the kettle turning off, the bubble of boiling water slowly dying off. 

“Of course,” Keigo replied after a moment of quiet, keeping himself soft. “Is that a... bad thing?”

 You reminded yourself that he was new to all of this 

“N-no, not at all,” You pressed into him, tighter, closer, ignoring the idle kettle in favor of giving Keigo some much-needed comfort. “It feels nice.”

Some of the tension drained from Keigo as his wings shifted behind him. 

“Good,” He dropped yet another kiss into your hair. “It... feels nice. Knowing you’re safe.”

“S-Same,” You stuttered, frowning into Keigo’s chest. “Are you alright, Keigo?”

 Your words startled him into silence for a moment. 

“I’m not bad if that’s what you’re asking— “

“Deflecting again, are we?” 

You managed him a cheeky smile, pulling back to nudge your nose into the stubble at his chin.

“I’m... really grateful you were here today, and are gonna be here,” You squeezed him tighter, hands resting at the base of his wings. “But, you’ve had a pretty tough last twenty-four hours too, you know?”

You weren’t wrong.

“It’s a part of the job, I’ll be alright,” Keigo tried to shush you, but you weren’t having any of it.

You cupped his cheeks in your palms, giving him a little frown, “Keigo, I love you.”

The new words got his heart stuttering in his chest. 

“I’m kind of fucked up right now, but I’m still here, okay? For whatever you need.” You reminded him, gracing him with a chaste kiss as punctuation. 

Part of Keigo wanted to tug you closer, slip his hands under your shirt and express how much he loved you, but he knew better.

There needed to be a moment of reprieve.

“Thank you, dove,” Keigo wasn’t sure how to fully accept your kindness, but with the smell of earthy flowers wafting and your small smile shining all for him, he was excited to try. 

 |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

 The rest of the day was a testament to softness.

Keigo had some avian instincts, sure, but the Commission taught him long ago how to suppress the more bothersome traits. One that he had never been able to shake too well was the need to stay bundled up and warm— 

Nesting, as it was labeled.

And you were all for it.

 Keigo adjusted the TV on top of your cleared-off desk, tilting it so it was perfectly viewable from the bed. 

You were half-on your knees, booted foot extended while digging through the bags of softness Keigo had brought.

“These are so fucking good, Keigo!” You held one of the fluffy blankets to your chest before unfurling it. “Absolutely wonderful choices, I have to admit.”

“Happy to please, angel. I grabbed the comfiest ones I could find,” Keigo chuckled, mostly to himself.

He wasn’t the most adept at finding comfort, but he knew a fair amount about surrounding yourself with softness (something he’d been indulging more thoroughly in his private time, after meeting you, of course.) 

Something stirred in his chest as he watched you prop up pillows and arrange blankets over your mattress. With it up against the wall, you were able to create a little... nest of sorts.

Keigo’s’ dick twitched.

Calm down, it’s only a little bit cute— 

You clamored to the edge of your bed, outstretching a hand with a warm smile, “Come on, tailfeathers, I need your body heat.”

“That all?” Keigo’s chest filled with molten heat as he let you tug him down into the softness you’d made. “Just need me for warmth?”

You hummed, pulling at his forearm to topple him over your lap, “Nah, plenty more. Want me to tell you about it?”

His dick twitched again. 

Keigo mused on it, only for a moment. 

“As much as I’d love to hear your reasons,” Keigo braced his arms on either side of your head, ducking to whisper in your ear. “I think you need to rest, hm?”

It was your bloodshot eyes, shaking hands, and tired smile that gave you away. Though it was obvious you were in better spirits, exhausted radiated off of you, even if you managed to banter.

You didn’t put up any fight, only nuzzling into his cheek and trailing your lips near his own, “Maybe you’re right.”

“Just ‘maybe’?” Keigo teased, bearing more of his body weight down onto you. 

You didn’t reply verbally, just tugged him down by the waistband of his joggers. 

“It’s okay,” Keigo said softly, maybe the softest he’d ever spoken, “we’ll just rest.”

“Can you put on something for background noise?” 

“Of course, dove,” Keigo smothered you with kisses, littering your forehead and nose with affections wherever he could reach. 

As you situated yourself, Keigo now the one repositioning the fluffing and blankets around your bed, his mind wandered.

 The amount of vulnerability he showed you was scary, it had been since the beginning. All those subtle glances and remarks that went from weightless flirting to all-out love were new and terrifying.

Yet, Keigo craved it to the point of aching.

As you sipped your tea, nestled between his legs with your back against his chest, that ambient pain was dulled.

 Keigo rested his head against your shoulder, nosing below your ear, “How are you feeling?”

“Sleepy, now, less shaky,” You replied following a heavy, audible gulp. 

It was true, your body had mostly stilled its ambient trembling. 

He couldn’t imagine how tired you were.

He also was having trouble acknowledging how tired he was.

Keigo reached to take a sip of his own tea, the smoothness of the honey, oat milk and lavender washing down the back of his throat. The softness of the drink itself was pushing him closer to acknowledging his own exhaustion.

(That was, of course, part of the reason you prepared such a tea, but you kept yourself smitten with your solely known knowledge.) 

“Can we try napping again?” You asked, pulling him from your thoughts. The heat of your pressed back into him as you nuzzled the side of his face. 

“Of course.”

And so, you nested.

The mugs were set aside, the steam tapering off but still filling the room with aromatics. The lights twinkled dimly, the curtains drawn to keep the afternoon light extinguished. The TV glowed in the corner, moved from your living room to on top of your desk, something ambient and meaningless running to fill the quiet air.

And you held Keigo with all you had.

It took a bit of maneuvering, pillows and plushies being pushed and shoved. Maybe, on a different day, you would’ve been a little self-conscious about all of the softness you were shamelessly surrounding yourself with. 

But, that day? You couldn’t care.

As the shakes subsided, your body craved only rest. Keigo offered it up without and second thought, and you drank it in, him in, greedily.

You faced each other, held in the arms of the other, Keigo’s feathers having spread themselves across the ‘nest’ and floor to allow him to accommodate the space a bit better.

Your face was buried in his chest, your hands already snaked under his cropped crew neck and resting below his wings. Every so often, your touch would brush close enough to the base to make him shudder.

You loved how it felt, how he felt next to you.

That was the only real thought you could conjure up in the perfect mess of blankets and softness. 

Sleep took you easily after that.

 Keigo managed to stay awake a bit longer, thoughts restless but slowing. 

He felt a new sort of sated, now that he was curled up with you.

The two of you had cuddled plenty in weeks prior, but nothing that was quite this cozy. With his feathers scattered about the room and nest, blankets pulled up to your chin, for the first time in a long while, he felt truly at peace.

Mostly.

As tired as he was, his mind wandered as he idly stroked along the bare skin of your neck and collar.

He couldn’t stop himself from thinking about your state just hours ago, eyes uncomfortably full, yet vacant in the same moment.

Keigo knew how you felt. 

He knew how these sorts of things worked. The way the mind functioned in vulnerable states (and how to exploit them) was something branded into his mind. In the silence of his penthouse, Keigo was smart enough to put together that this was the reason he’d been able to be there for you in the way that he had been.

It was disturbing, thinking about the origin of his ability to comfort you. His roots being in his need to manipulate rather than comfort. 

Part of him felt sick with the thought, feathers ruffling and puffing up around the room. 

The things he’d been taught and the way they’d been etched into the marble tablet of psyche weren’t good. Even if he valued the skills he’d gained, he had garnered enough agency at some point to put together how the corruption of the Commission infected him. 

The thought made him feel dirty, which was why he pushed it back and away so often.

But, now, thinking about the way you shuddered and wailed in his arms, he couldn’t avoid it, an odd poison spreading through his chest. 

 “Hey,” Your voice slurred with sleep as your hands twitched at his sides. “You’re thinkin’ too hard.”

“And how do you know that?” 

“Your heart, silly,” The sound of it was loud in your ears, the thrum far too quick to be calm. “Sounds fast.”

“Caught me,” Keigo gave a weak laugh, smothered into your hair with kisses. “I’m alright. Get some sleep, I’ll be right here.”

“Nuh-uh,” You forced yourself to full wakefulness with a few unpleasant blinks.

You cupped his jaw and searched his face.

...

Keigo was far too good at hiding how he felt. 

From his painfully cleansed expression, it was hard to tell what exactly he was really feeling, only that he wasn’t expressing whatever it was.

“Keigo,” You breathed his name. “You deserve to rest. All you gotta do is be here, right now, okay? 

Your tired mind was one of its most honest iterations. 

 Weren’t you right?

 “I’m here, always, Keigo.”

“I know,” Keigo sighed with relief, softening against you. 

There was so much he couldn’t tell you, especially not yet. Too much knotted up and tied with himself that was too fragile, secret, or buried to be even acknowledged by himself, let alone you.

Not to mention, the Commission and the public had no idea you were a part of his life, and you intended to keep it that way, at least for a while. 

Keigo opened his mouth to let loose one last quip, but quickly silenced himself.

You’d already fallen back asleep, maybe even more relaxed, clinging to him with everything you had.

 He had always believed he would never let sentiment get his way. 

Even the word ‘sentiment’ felt dirty rolling around in his mind.

You weren’t just ‘sentiment’, you were love.

And he loves you. 

Keigo drifted off with his warmth and comfort knotted up with your own, relaxing, truly for the first time in a long time.

+++++

💗ko-fi 💗

++++

taglist: 

taglist (please send me an ask if you’d like to be added!): @thepandapopo @hawksexual @sinclairsamess @darcia22 @inhalingsoysauce   @yee-fxcking-haw @aproperthottie @seasalttrioforever @mia--merc @call-me-rhee @peach-buns-unicorns @amethyst-rose-17 @mega-bastard @an-untamed-rose @ravioliplease @keigosangel @gobestupidsomewhereelse @themusingsofmany @mariiloei @hecatve @assassinslittlesister  @thepuckishrogue​

[babymetaldoll]

Danger Days - Chapter twenty: “Should have been easier by three: your old friend fear and you and me?"

Word count: 17,6 K

Summary: Joey opens up to Matthew about the most traumatizing event in the tour. Jamia is becoming the best friend Joey had no idea she needed. Matthew ran into some fans, some Joey's fans, and also, into Gerard. Mikey Way is finally facing his feelings and fears.

Warnings: Cursing, fight, mention of sexual assault, there's a very bad fight.

A/N: I know we all hate Gerard at this point, but I just wanted to say, I love him, he is my favorite person and I just wrote all this 'cos it was a very entertaining story. And considering it's all fiction, then, why not?

Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen | Chapter sixteen | Chapter seventeen | Chapter eighteen | Chapter nineteen | Chapter twenty | Chapter twenty one | Chapter twenty-two | Chapter twenty-three | Chapter twenty-four |

::: Portland, April 1st, 2011 :::

Jamia squeaked and jumped on her seat as she heard the whole story of what had happened after Mathew and Joey had left the arena. She was excited about everything he was doing for her friend and nearly died when she heard about the iPod with the bedtime stories.

- "Frank is so cute, but he had never ever done anything like that"- Mrs. Iero sentenced and took another bite of her lasagna. She, Joey, plus the babies, were having lunch together at the hotel's restaurant.

- "He plays with a portrait of you and the girls on stage, Jamia!! Frank is the sweetest!"- Joey argued with a silly smile on her lips.

- "Yes, I know, but I mean... I don't know"- Jamia's words made no sense- "When he fucks it up, he says sorry, I forgive him. Sometimes he buys flowers, but he has never done anything like this!"

- "Has he ever cheated on you?"- there was a silence on the table. Joey didn't know if it was a yes or a no, and she immediately regretted asking.

- "Not that I know."

- "Then he doesn't need to do something over the top like Matthew is doing"- Jamia nodded, thinking maybe Joey was right. The two of them ate in silence for a couple of minutes.

Until the drummer's phone buzzed, and the message made her miserable in a second.

- "Can we talk?"- it was Gerard. She didn't even bother answering it.

- "Matthew?"- Jamia asked, raising an eyebrow.

- "No, Way asking if we can talk"- there was another thick silence at the table. Joey looked at the babies asleep in their cart before turning to her friend and asked.

- "Is Frank mad at me?- and Jamia frowned, confused.

- "Why would he be mad at you?"

- "'Cos I made scene yesterday."

- "Joey, Gerard was way out of line, and everybody knows that."

- "Even Frank?"- Joey made a painful gesture, thinking her friend could actually agree with Way because he hated Gubler deeply.

- "Even Frank! You know he hates Matthew for what he did to you, but he respects your decisions. If you ever want to be with him again, he will support you"- Jamia assured her.

Joey nodded, thinking she had never felt that way about Iero. She was sure he would hate the guts out of her if she ever decided to forgive Matthew. She felt the same about Mikey, though their talk the night before had given her a little peace of mind.

- "You know, I've gone through life saying I can do shit on my own and that I don't need anybody's opinion but my parents. But these guys have a way to get under your skin that I can't understand"- the drummer confessed.

- "You did the same with them. Frank didn't want you in the band, and now he is all freaked out because you are gonna have to take time off to have the baby."

Joey had avoided thinking about it, but she knew there would come a time in the pregnancy when she wouldn't be able to play drums anymore. She wasn't going to be able to tour. She would have to stay home, and how was she going to have an income if she couldn't play with the band?

- "I don't want to think about that right now"- Joey whispered, and her friend nodded.

- "You don't have to. It won't be a problem for a long time, so let's focus on the more important part of the day."

- "Dessert?"- Joey widened her eyes and smiled.

- "No... though dessert is a great idea."

- "I want brownie"- Jamia giggled at her friend's excited face over chocolate.

- "But that's not the important part! I want to know if he will be at the show today"- Joey held her breath and bit her lips.

- "I don't know."

- "You didn't ask?!"- Jamia was in some sort of shock and nearly smacked Joey's arms after she heard her answer.

- "No, I didn't really want to know. I mean, I was afraid of the answer. He works ten months a year, Jamia, 14 fucking hours a day. I don't know how he managed to come yesterday. I am sure he is at the set right now, with his friends."

- "Have you talked to him today?"

- "We texted, he asked how I spent the night, and for my morning sickness, he calls every morning to know about us"- Jamia bit her lips and gave Joey her big puppy eyes.

- "He is so cute!!"

- "Shut up!"- another buzz of Joey's phone ruined the conversation.

- "Please, I need to talk to you."

- "Gerard again?"

- "Yeah, but I don't want to talk to him at all. I don't wanna be with him. I don't wanna see his face."

- "I don't get it; why do you hate him so much?"- Jamia looked at Joey, honestly not getting what was going on between the drummer and the singer.

- "We have never been friends, he was very rude to me when I joined the band... worst than Frank. Frank was an asshole for twelve hours, but Gerard never really stopped."

- "But Gee is the nicest guy ever!"

- "Not with me... we've had the stupid conversation "Why do you hate me, I don't hate you" over and over again, but apparently, we don't have many things in common."

- "But every time I've heard him talking about you, he is so nice! he talks about you like you are the coolest girl on earth!"

- "Probably to mask the fact we are no friends"

Joey sighed. 99% of what she was saying to Jamia was true. She just wasn't telling the whole "I love you" part that made Gerard a sick bastard.

- "Well, maybe you should give him a chance to explain himself."

- "I don't want to J, really... he ain't my friend, he shouldn't have done that, and if he wants to kick me out of the band for hating him, so be it, I don't really care anymore, I'm tired of his attitude"- Joey sighed and closed her eyes- "I've got enough drama with Matthew to add another problem, it ain't good for the baby either."

- "That's true! And right now, you need to do what's best for that sea monkey in your tummy"- Lily broke in tears, and so did Cherry. Jamia held one of her daughters while Joey held the other, and the conversation had to end for a moment.

Gerard was in hell. He was locked in his room staring at the phone, waiting for a reply, but he wasn't going to get one, and he knew it. Beyond being mad, he was sad, but the frustration seemed too deep to ignore at that minute. He grabbed his things and stormed out of his room.

- "Hey!"- Mikey answered his door and frowned- "What are you doing here?"

- "Is Joey with you?"

- "No, she was having lunch with Jamia, why?"- but Gerard didn't answer, he turned around and ran to the restaurant. He spotted her from a distance, walking around the table with Lily in her arms. He stopped in his tracks and stared at her. He didn't see Jamia around. That was good. He could approach her alone.

- "Why are you ignoring me?"- his words came harder than he had intended them to be. Joey jumped and turned around to see the singer looking at her with severe eyes. He was, in fact, mad at her.

- "I don't want to talk to you"- the drummer simply answered, trying to remain calm for Lily, who was in her arms and also for her own baby.

- "I need to have an important conversation with you"- Gerard was pleading now, though his eyes were still looking at Joey with a sharp glaze.

- "Are you gonna kick me out of the band?"- Joey simply asked, and the singer looked at her in shock, widening his eyes almost in horror.

- "What? No! What makes you think that!"

- "Then we have nothing to talk about"- Joey scanned the room quickly, trying to find Jamia, who had gone to the bathroom to change Cherry's diaper.

- "You said you hate me."

- "Because I do"- Joey wasn't going to be friendly with Gerard, no matter how bad and embarrassed she felt about their fight. Now that she knew neither of her friends was mad at her, she felt more confident about what she had done.

- "I don't want you to hate me"

- "Gerard, please stop this shit! We are not friends, we don't get along, we did stupid shit I'll regret the rest of my life... I don't wanna be your friend, I don't wanna have this conversation with you, I just wanna eat my brownie and take a nap."

- "Joey, you are killing me!"- Gerard's eyes were suddenly filling up with tears- "I just can't deal with this!"

- "With what?! I don't get it!"

- "I don't want you to hate me!"

- "Then stop doing stupid shit around me! Don't get in the middle of my fight with Matthew! Stop trying to kiss me! And don't tell me you love me! 'Cos you are so out of line, there is no longer a line!! You crossed it so many times, I don't longer know how to deal with you! I swear!"

- "But, Sugar..."

- "And I hate it when you call me sugar!"- Joey was whisper shouting, making sure no one around them could listen to their conversation. However, it was clear they weren't having a pleasant chat.

- "I'm not kidding when I tell you that I love you, I would do anything for you."

- "Gerard, for Christ Sakes! You can't love me! You know nothing about me! We are not friends! I'm just a made-up person in your mind that you created based on my shell."

- "Can you stop saying I don't know you?"

- "Can you stop thinking that you do?"- Jamia cleared her throat as she stood close to them, interrupting their argument.

- "Excuse me... I just..."

- "Don't worry, Jamia, you ain't interrupting anything. Gerard was leaving"- Joey turned around and sat at the table again, grabbing a spoon to try her brownie a la mode.

- "If you need to keep on talking... I just came to grab this from the bag"- and Jamia grabbed the baby wipes she had forgotten.

- "Do you need any help?"- Joey begged her friend with the eyes that she would accept

- "Actually, yes... can you bring Lilly too? I wanna check her diaper."

- "Of course"- the soon to be mom stood up and looked at Gerard one last time

- "See you at the show"- and she quickly walked away.

Things were getting worse and worse for the singer. And he was now honestly thinking they were never going to get better.

Matthew was already in line to get into the show that day. Book in hand, banner by his side, sitting on the ground, waiting for the doors to open. It was a small theater, which meant Joey would have a pretty good chance to spot him quickly from the first row, even if that meant having to stand Gerard spitting on his face again.

- "Hey, sorry"- a girl walked over him and furrowed her eyebrows- "Aren't you Spencer Reid?"- Matthew smiled and nodded.

- "Yes, I am. Well, actually, I'm the guy who pretends to be him on tv"- he answered with a sweet grin, and the girl chuckled- "My name is Matthew Gray Gubler."

- "Sorry."

- "No, don't worry, you don't have to know my name, and Reid is way cooler than mine. What is your name?"

- "Liza"

- "Even a better name than mine!"- the girl giggled and made a pause looking at him before asking

- "And what? Are you a fan of My Chem?"- Gubler opened his mouth to answer that and found himself speechless. Was it safe in front of a bunch of fans that he really didn't know any of their songs? Probably not.

- "Well, I like their music a lot, but I am actually a bigger fan of their drummer"- he said with the warmest smile he had ever lodged on his lips.

- "Wait, you are coming to their concert 'cos you have a crush on Joey?"- it was weird to hear a fan of MCR talking about Joey like they knew her. But then again, she had been playing with the band long enough so that fans would get familiar with her. And it also made Matthew feel proud and excited the love of his life was doing something so important.

- "I am actually in love with her"- he answered, and a few other fans of the band were now listening to the conversation- "I am not like a stalker or anything. I'm her boyfriend."

Ok, that was a lie, but Matthew was still hoping that Joey would forgive him and everything would get better.

- "Really?!"- a guy asked, not believing a word- "Dude!"- and he smiled, trying to high-five him- "Nice, she is hot."

- "She is, isn't she?"- Matthew smiled and nodded- "She is also awesome, and intelligent, and so fucking funny."

- "Wait, if you are dating her, why aren't you backstage with their families?"- a blue-dyed hair asked, crossing her arms on her chest, looking like she didn't believe a word coming from Gubler's lips.

- "'Cos she is mad at me 'cos I didn't come to her shows in Europe 'cos I was working."

Technically, that wasn't much of a lie, Joey was mad at him because of that... before she broke up with him for being a cheater.

- "So I decided to show her how much I love her and got tickets to all the shows the guys and her are playing for the next month"- Matthew was real proud of his plan, and he was excited to share it with someone. Well, with a bunch of people at that moment.

- "That's so cute!!"- the girls sighed and looked at him surprised- "You are the cutest boyfriend ever!!"- and the actor blushed, looking down

- "Thanks. I also wrote her banners for each show with quotes from her favorite books"- now those girls were nearly in love with him.

- "I can't believe that!! Can we see it?"

- "Sure"- Matthew opened it and smiled pleased.

- "I have crossed oceans of time to find you"- one of the girls read out loud and bit her lips- "Oh my god, that's so romantic!!"

- "It's a quote from Dracula. She loves that book, see? I also drew a few bats and vampires around"- Gubler was honestly proud of his work.

- "She has to forgive you"

- "I honestly hope she does, but I still got 16 more tickets to the shows to keep on trying"- doors of the theater opened, and the fans started running in. The girls around him disappeared as Matthew grabbed all his things and made his way into the venue to take his spot in the first row.

Jamia wanted to peak from one side of the stage to know if Matthew was there, but Joey stopped her. She dragged her to the dressing room and locked her there with the babies and the band. Everybody except Gerard, 'cos he was somewhere else smoking.

- "Hey, Bug"- Mikey walked over as he fixed his hair back- "Now that you are with Jamia... this is the first time I see you acting like a girl"

- "Yeah!!"- Frank widened his eyes and chuckled- "You are acting like a fucking girl for once!"

- "I am also pregnant, so in case you forgot, I am the one packing the vag in this band."

- "I love it when you talk about your vagina in public!"- Frank covered his face with both hands, pretending to be embarrassed- "Do you have to be so graphic?"

- "Yes, I do. Do you want me to make a diagram of the area? Do you have trouble finding the clit? You know, it's the little fellow on the boat"- the girl mimicked a vagina with her two fingers and placed the third one in the middle, making her best to stay serious, though she couldn't stop grinning. She loved annoying Frank.

- "Joey!!! For Christ Sakes!!!"- Iero groaned, laughing and disgusted at the same time

- "A baby is gonna come out of it, you know"- Joey added, and Mikey frowned, grossed out of the idea- "As a baby alien"- Joey took it to another level and placed her hands at her cheeks and pretended to emerge from between them, making disgusting noises.

- "Stop it!! Please!!"- Jamia laughed- "It's so much like it was in real life! It's giving me the heebie-jeebies!"- Joey burst out laughing as she stared at her friend's freaked-out face.

- "That's what you get from calling me a girl!"

- "It wasn't an insult!"- Mikey argued, still frowning.

- "I don't know, man! It didn't sound like a compliment to me"- the ding of her phone shut everybody up in the room. They were all waiting to know if Matthew was going to be there at the show that day.

- "So?"- Jamia asked

- "It's my mom!"- the girl quickly answered and stuck out her tongue to her friend- "She keeps saying she is excited to see us tomorrow, she really wants to meet you, so please, act like a normal human being for one night..."- the band stared at Joey in silence- "I'm talking to Frank."

- "Of course, you are"- Ray chuckled and smiled at Joey- "We are gonna be a fine group of gentlemen."

- "Thank you, and please don't tell her about the baby, or Matthew... or the strippers in Amsterdam, or how drunk I was for my birthday, and New Year... and in Valencia..."

- "Wait, let me grab my pen. I need to write all that shit down"- Iero said and laughed at her friend.

- "You didn't tell them what happened with Matthew?"- Jamia was in shock with that news

- "Not yet... It's part of the things I need to tell them in person. That's why I'm gonna stay an extra day in Seattle to talk to them calmly. So, for Christ's sake, don't tell them what happened with Matthew either, ok?"- and the whole band nodded in silence. Another ding of her phone interrupted the conversation, but this time, no one paid attention.

- "Have a great show today."- Matthew wrote and smiled, looking at the stage in front of him. First row, banner in hand. He was ready. Joey blushed as she stared at the screen, typed "Thanks," and hid her phone back into her backpack.

Gerard finished his cigarette and walked back into the dressing room. As soon as he appeared, Joey's smile vanished, and so he looked down at his feet and walked to a corner to drink some water.

- "Hey, are you ok?"- Ray asked as he stood next to his friend and tapped on his back.

- "Yeah, I'm ok"- Gerard nodded and looked at his friend for a second- "He is there."

- "Really?"

- "Yeah, with a stupid banner in the first row, just like yesterday"- Toro turned to Joey, who was laughing and playing with Cherry and Lily.

- "Don't do anything you might regret later."

- "I regret a lot of the things I've done lately"- Way whispered and glued his eyes to his hands, playing with the tap of his bottle of water.

- "Try not to add any more shit to that list then"- he nodded at Ray's words- "I'm here if you wanna talk."

- "I don't really know what else to say about this."

- "Your wife will be here soon to stay, so you might need to clear your head. We can go out tonight if you want, get something to eat and just talk calmly about what's going on... maybe I can help you"- Gerard stayed in silence for a few seconds and finally sighed.

- "I would like that"

- "Cool"- Ray tapped on his back for the last time and hugged him tightly. Frank looked at them, frowning.

- "Is everything ok with Gerard and dad?"

- "Maybe they started dating"- Joey simply replied and smiled childishly- "It would be the end of the Frerard era, to start the "Rayrad" decade"- Iero turned to her, bursting into the biggest laughter of his life.

- "Stop bringing that shit up!!"

- "I told you, I read the fics, I am never going to get over it"

- "You read them?!"- Jamia's jaw fell open- "Me too!"

- "What?!"- Frank was now freaked out- "Please tell me you are kidding!"

- "Of course, I am not!! Which one did you read?!"

- "J! We have so much to talk about!!"- Joey said, acting a little more into the subject than she really was, just to upset her friend.

- "Ok kids, come on, ten minutes!!"- Jeffrey appeared and ended the moment. It was time to play a show.

The crowd was growing impatient, it was eight past five, and the band still hadn't appeared on stage.

- "Joey! Stop peeing!!"- Frank argued, waiting for her at the dressing room door.

- "Sorry!! Sorry!! Pregnant bladder!! I am ready!!"- she yelled, walking out, fixing her outfit, and smiling at her friend- "Come on, let's kick some ass!"

The lights went out, and the whole audience started yelling. Matthew scanned the stage as he heard "Look alive sunshine!" just like the day before. He saw Joey walking to her drums as Gerard, Mikey, Frank, and Ray showed up in the spotlight, and everybody yelled in excitement. The four of them looked at him at the very same time. And Matthew never noticed 'cos he was lost in the image of Joey. She sat behind the drum and bit her lips, her eyes trying to see if he was there that night.

- "I have crossed oceans of time to find you"- she read and felt how her knees shook, and her cheeks turned pink. Matthew smiled at her and jumped along with the kids. Mikey looked at Gubler and then looked at Joey, her face in a weird mix between surprise and... love.

- "Bug!"- he yelled at her friend and took her from her mind- "Are you ok?"

- "Yeah! Sorry!"- she nodded and took a deep breath to start counting and not miss her tempo.

It was hard to concentrate, though, knowing he was there for the second day on the road. It wasn't something she wanted to expect that day, but she was longing for it ever since she had seen him the night before. She felt special. She felt he cared. And today, Joey felt he loved her enough to ditch his job and travel far from home to catch her in concert. Just like she had always dreamt.

It was hard for Gerard to stop himself and not spit on Matthew's face like the night before. The fact he didn't even look at him, never acknowledging his presence on the stage, made it worse.

- "Son of a bitch is doing this to drive me insane!"- he cursed in his head as he walked around the stage, trying to stop thinking about it- "I don't wanna see his fucking face anymore!"

Mikey stared at the scene with a weird sensation in his chest. He saw the way Matthew looked and smiled at Joey during the whole concert. It really felt like there was no one else on the stage but her for him. And Joey, though she tried to avoid eye contact, couldn't control herself from staring at him and blush every couple of minutes.

The truth was Michael James was jealous. Not jealous of her being in love with Gubler, jealous of them being able to fix things. At that point, Mikey was sure Joey would eventually forgive Matthew, considering she looked at him and giggled like a schoolgirl. But Mikey remembered when he and Alicia never got the energy to fix things between them. Maybe he and his ex-wife weren't really in love. He would have tried, though, if he had known what was going on. But Alicia quit on him. Matthew hadn't quit on his friend. And that got him jealous.

Mikey wanted what they had. He wanted a Joey of his own to spoil. But until he got one for himself, he guessed he could spoil the one he had. If she let him.

The end of the show didn't come fast enough for Joey. It was the longest hour and a half of her life. As she walked out of the stage and waved at the crowd, she was actually just looking at Matthew. And he was looking at her with the warmest smile she had seen.

- "I'll call you,"- he articulated, and she disappeared.

- "Oh my God!!"- Jamia jumped on her spot as she saw Joey walking out of the stage- "Please tell me you are going to forgive him!! Please!!"

- "What? No!"- Joey frowned and looked at her friend shaking her head- "Once a cheater..."- but Jamia snapped.

- "Cut that shit!! Come on!! Look at him! did you read the banner? Did you notice the face he had as he looked at you?! There was no one else on that stage but you! The puppy eyes, the smile! For Christ Sakes!! He loves you!"- the drummer brushed her hands against her face as the two women walked to the dressing room.

- "Can we... talk about this over... maybe some... nachos?"- the girl whispered- "I can't... I don't..."

- "I don't think we are gonna have time for nachos tonight, 'cos I've got to put two babies and a Frank down to sleep, and I am almost certain someone is gonna call you to ask you out on a date"- Joey blushed and didn't say a word. Jamia turned to her babies, babysat by Worm while she had a peak of the last part of the show. And Joey grabbed her bag and locked herself in the bathroom.

She was changing her shirt and cleaning herself up when her phone rang. Thought it was clear Matthew was going to call, she still jumped and felt butterflies in her stomach, surprised as she heard it.

- "Hello?"- she even closed her eyes as she picked up, feeling like a dork, like a teenager, like a freaking kid.

- "Hey, nice show"- Matthew said, and a silly grin appeared on his lips.

- "Thanks... nice banner"- Joey kept her eyes closed as she answered, feeling how her cheeks turned blood red.

- "Thanks... do you wanna come out and talk for a while? Maybe eat something?"- Matthew also had his eyes closed. Even when he felt things were getting better between him and Joey, he was still scared he might push her too much and freak her out or make her mad, like he had done before they left Los Angeles.

- "Just for a little while, I'm tired, and I need to go to bed early tonight 'cos tomorrow the flight is too early."

- "Sure, sure! Just a little while, I can take you to the hotel and grab a quick bite on our way over"- Joey smiled and thanked god Gubler couldn't see her that minute.

- "Ok, I'll be right there... hopefully not being followed by anyone longing to break your face"- Gubler chuckled.

- "I don't mind your overprotective friends."

- "Yeah, right"- the sarcasm made Matthew chuckle.

- "I mean it... I just hate the asshole spitting on my face"

- "Yeah, I'm not a fan either, see you in a sec"- the drummer hung down and sighed, staring at herself at the mirror, making her best effort to look presentable.

Jamia stared at her as she set foot out of the bathroom and chuckled in a second. It was so obvious the girl was excited to see Matthew. There was no way anyone could miss the glow in her smile. Joey bit her lips and widened her eyes, staring at her friend.

- "So J, raincheck on the nachos?"- and Mrs. Iero jumped excitedly.

- "Breakfast tomorrow at the airport?"- Joey nodded, and J hugged her- "I am so fucking excited!!"

- "Hey! Don't get your hopes high"

- "I'm just excited!"

- "Don't get excited"- the drummer groaned and closed her eyes

- "Don't get all grumpy. You are in denial, so give me a smile and go get him, tiger!"- Jamia spanked Joey's ass, and the two of them laughed at the same time, feeling like a couple of dorks.

Frank shook his head, staring at the scene. Though his wife had talked to him about the fact Joey would forgive Matthew eventually, Frank couldn't erase the image of his friend lying on her bed, her arms around her legs, looking lifeless in shock. He remembered how her eyes were wide opened but still lost and empty.

She might forgive him, but Frank couldn't.

- "Hey Bug!"- Mikey walked to his friend, changing his shirt and grabbing a hoodie- "Are you gonna meet Mathew for a while?"- and he made it sound like it was the most natural thing (which technically, it was) and like he had never ever before put an objection about it.

- "Ehh... yeah..."- the young woman answered and looked at her friend right into the eyes, trying to see if there was something hidden behind his apparently innocent question.

- "Can I walk you out?"- of course, there was a catch.

- "Why?"

- "To talk to him for a second."

- "Why?"- Joey was now slightly freaked out

- "Just to talk to him, I haven't talked to him since I tried to break his face in your house a couple of weeks ago."

- "Are you gonna try to break his face tonight?"- the drummer asked and frowned

- "No"

- "His legs then?

- "No, Bug! I'm not gonna try to hit him"

- "I don't buy it"- Mikey sighed and reached out his hand for her.

- "I swear it for my nephew."

- "Or niece"- she added.

- "Or niece"- Mikey repeated and smiled at her friend- "Come on, I'll be a good older brother."

- "Pinky promise?"- Joey asked like a little girl, raising her pinky, making Mikey chuckled as he wrapped his in it.

- "Hey, Gerard and I are going out for dinner"- Ray announced and didn't wait for anyone to tag alone- "So we'll see you back at the hotel or tomorrow morning."

- "We are going to the hotel right away"- Frank answered and looked at Mikey- "Want us to wait for you?"

- "Yeah, I'll be back in a minute"- Joey looked at her friends and cut them a smile.

- "See you guys tomorrow then"- she waved and exited the dressing room with Mikey. Neither of them said a word as they walked hand in hand. He tried to make her feel secure, but he knew she was getting more anxious as they got closer to the stage.

Matthew was talking with one of the guards when they saw him. He was being kicked out of the venue and waved at Joey as soon as he spotted her with Mikey. The idea of them walking hand in hand tightened his stomach for a second, thinking if he had missed anything in their relationship, but he knew Joey didn't have any feelings but a deep friendly love for the bassist.

- "Hey!"- Joey kind of shouted, sounding more serious than she wanted to- "He's with me"- and the guard turned around to see her.

- "Sorry, ma'am, but he doesn't have a credential."

- "Yeah, he is an asshole, and he left it backstage, but don't worry, we were just leaving too"- the girl smiled at the security guys and saw them letting Matthew go. He spun around to her and smiled. His eyes locked in hers in a matter of seconds, ignoring anything and everything that could be happening around.

- "Hey"

- "Hi"- she answered and smiled shyly. Neither of them said a word, and Mikey stared at the scene, frowning. He had always been scared his friend would be sad, miserable, and crying around Gubler. He thought Matthew was going to be obnoxious, so she was going to be mad and upset the whole time. But it was the opposite. They just stared at each other in silence, smiling like they were both high.

- "Damn it, so this is how being in love looks like in real life,"- he thought and sighed. If he didn't talk, it was clear no one was going to do it.

- "Hello"- he offered his hand to Matthew and tried not to look as threatening as he had been the last time. To his surprise, the actor didn't hesitate and shook his hand, smiling at him. No hard feelings, apparently.

- "Hi Mikey, nice to see you."

- "Nice to see you too. I just wanted to stop by and see how you were doing"- Joey stared at them, feeling just like the day Matthew had met her dad, which had been one of the scariest moments in her entire life.

- "I'm ok, thanks, kind of tired after the show, it was intense"- and miraculously, Mikey Way smiled.

- "Yeah, the kids have a lot of energy."

- "Yeah, two shows on the road, and I'm feeling it"

Joey didn't get what was going on. Mikey was serious but not aggressive, and Matthew looked happy and friendly. She knew he wasn't really resentful, but watching him talking to her best friend like nothing had ever happened. Like Way hadn't tried to beat the shit out of him in Joey's. It seemed... odd, to say the least.

- "So, are you guys going out now?"- Mikey Way was a dad at the moment, and Joey was slightly annoyed with his attitude, though she was thankful he wasn't an ass. At least not yet.

- "Yes, bróðir, we are going to eat something, and then I'll go to the hotel, alone, ok?"- she looked at his friend and raised an eyebrow- "There's no need to get all possessive."

- "No, Bug. Sorry, I just wanted to know what you guys were doing and tell you. If you need anything, you can call me, ok?"- Joey raised an eyebrow, but Mikey smiled.

- "Ok?"- she answered with a question 'cos she wasn't sure what was going on.

- "Now give me a hug"- he opened his arms and held Joey tight. He kissed the top of his head and looked at Matthew, still a little too serious but making his best not to sound like he wanted to kill him-" Are you coming to the next show?"

The question took him by surprise. He still wanted to make it a surprise, but after two days on the road, it might be the right time to tell Joey his plan.

- "Yes, I am"- he answered and blushed, feeling how Joey looked at him surprised. Was it a good surprise? Or a really bad one? That he couldn't tell at the minute, so he continued talking- "As a matter of fact, I've got tickets to all of your shows until April 23rd"- and Matthew smiled, looking all innocent and proud of his upcoming.

- "What?!"- and Joey freaked out- "What about your job?"

- "I promised you I would tour with you, and that my only job would be to clap you after every song"- the actor answered calmly- "I know I wasn't there for a lot of time when you were in Europe, and I don't want to miss this opportunity to see you play... even under our circumstances."

Joey didn't know what to say, she just stared at him, lost in those hazel eyes, and Mikey cleared his throat.

- "If you want, I can get you a credential, so you won't have any more problems with security"- the drummer turned to her friend in disbelief- "And you can skip the line too, catch the soundcheck"- Matthew didn't know what was going on, but he thought it was a good sign.

- "Thank you, I just don't want to be trouble."

- "It wouldn't be trouble at all"

- "No, I mean... I'm not sure the other guys would appreciate having me around at the soundcheck"- Mikey thought about it and crossed his arms on his chest.

- "So far, you haven't actually cared what the guys in this band think about you; you've just continued to go after Joey, almost recklessly. So, why would you care if the other guys don't like having you around when you just wanna be with Bug?"

- "You are making it sound like he is an asshole"- Joey warned and tugged on Mikey's sleeve

- "I didn't mean it like that."

- "No, don't worry, no harm intended"- Matthew quickly said and nodded at Mikey's words- "I appreciate the gesture."

- "It's not a problem, I just want to see my little sister happy"- Way really felt like a very jealous older brother in that conversation- "Just don't make me regret it"

- "I won't, I swear"- Matthew held out his hand, and Mikey shook it- "And really, thank you for what you are doing"- Joey looked at them, trying to process what had just happened.

- "Ok, kids, go and have fun. Call me when you get to the hotel."

- "Yes, bróðir"- the young woman hugged her friend one more time and sighed, feeling him kissing her forehead. Then, the bassist turned around and walked to the dressing room again, leaving Joey and Matthew on their own, staring at each other in silence.

- "So... hungry?"

Gerard had stopped registering most of the things going on in the dressing room after Joey and Jamia chuckled and giggled, excited Matthew was out there waiting for the drummer. He changed his outfit, cleaned his head, and neck from all the red hair dye that kept tainting his skin, and sat at a chair, smoking once the Iero's had left with Mikey. He didn't even talk to his brother. He didn't look at him. As far as he knew, he had betrayed him, going after Joey to be friendly with Matthew, allowing her to date him again...

- "He didn't allow her to go out with him, he just... didn't stop her"- Gerard snorted at his own thoughts- "Like she would let anyone tell her what to do, Mikey just gave up trying to get some sense into her head."

- "So, ready?"- Ray stood in front of him and clapped his hands- "Awake?"

- "Yeah, yeah, let's go"- the two friends walked out in silence and got into the van that waited for them.

- "Thank you for not making a scene today"- Ray said as soon as the door closed.

- "Yeah"- Gerard pouted and crossed his arms- "It's not like I didn't want to"

- "I bet"

- "Did you see that shitty banner?"- Ray nodded- "With those stupid toddler drawings!! What the fuck?"

- "Do you know the quote?"

- "No"

- "Does it mean anything to Joey?"- Gerard shrugged. Ray wanted to tell him something cruel but bit his tongue. It wasn't fair to kick his friend on the floor. Clearly, he didn't know Joey at all, but why should Toro remind him of something so obvious when it was clear to see?

- "At what time do we have the flight tomorrow?"

- "Seven-thirty"

- "Shit"

- "Yeah..."- the two friends stayed quiet as they rode through town- "When is Lynz getting her?"

- "The 4th, we'll meet in Edmonton"- Ray nodded- "So, is it true that Joey is meeting us there and staying a day longer in Seattle?"

- "Yeah, she wanted to be with her parents. She hadn't seen them since January."

- "Are they coming to the show?"

- "Yeah"- Ray hesitated after revealing that information to Gerard- "Please don't do anything stupid"- and his friend rolled his eyes, annoyed.

- "What am I gonna do? Tell her parents I love her?"- there was a silence between them that made evident Ray actually saw that as something that could happen- "I won't do that!"

- "I know you won't, but..."- there was another long silence- "Just don't do anything you are going to regret"

- "Everything I do I end up regretting at this point, so..."

- "Yeah, I know, but today you did well..."

- "Not entirely"

- "What do you mean?"

- "Well, I tried to talk to her"- Ray bit his tongue and waited for Gerard to continue- "You know how it's like to touch something and realize it's the only thing you'll need for the rest of your life, knowing you might never ever get to do it again?"- no, Ray didn't know how that feel, but he nodded anyway- "She hates me, she regrets every kiss we shared, she doesn't even want to talk to me, ever again... and I just want to make her happy"

- "Maybe staying away from her is gonna make her happy"- apparently, Toro's answer didn't make Gerard happy, 'cos the disagreeable look he gave him made it very clear.

- "You don't get it, do you?"

- "I actually do get it... you are just too stubborn"- Way brushed his hands against his face and groaned.

- "I just didn't want to give up just yet!"

- "Why?"

- "'Cos I fucking love her, and I don't wanna let her go"

- "You are gonna have to"

- "How?"

- "I don't know, but we have to think of a way before your wife gets here."

It was weird for Matthew to walk around with Joey and not hold her hand. He wanted to, so, so much. But he restrained himself, knowing he had to wait. Waiting was something he had always sucked at, but for Joey, he was willing to learn how to.

- "The bean heard you last night"- the young woman announced to him as they sat in a Mexican restaurant 'cos Joey wouldn't stop thinking about nachos.

- "And did you like it?"- Joey blushed and looked down at the napkins on the table.

- "I didn't hear it. That's between you and the bean, you own little secret"- Matthew smiled at the idea of sharing something like that with his unborn child, but he knew Joey was lying.

- "I know you heard it"

- "I didn't!"- the girl snorted, pretending to feel insulted, but looked at Gubler and chuckled- "I fell asleep in the middle of "Green Eggs and Jam," I didn't listen to the rest. That was just you and bean"- now his cheeks turned pink staring into her eyes- "It was very sweet of you to do that."

- "I got so excited I bought a bunch of baby books, and I couldn't wait to read them to our baby, and I thought you weren't going to be a fan of me stuck talking to your belly, so..."

- "I talk to the belly"- Joey whispered and giggled- "It feels weird... I think I'm showing a little bit already."

- "Really?"- Matthew's eyes shone like stars at those words

- "Wanna see?"- he nodded, and Joey stood up, lifting her t-shirt and lowering her jeans a little bit

- "You have a little baby bump!"- Gubler couldn't help it and landed his hands on it softly, making the girl shiver.

- "Your hands are cold"- she quickly answered, trying to cover up the fact her body had shuddered at his touch.

- "Sorry"- he quickly replied, as Joey sat down again the second the waitress arrived with their order.

- "So..."- Matthew smiled and watched her attack the nachos with a hunger that made her look like she hadn't eaten in days- "Are those good?"

- "So good, I swear I was gonna go nuts for jalapeños"- he chuckled and took a bite of his chimichanga.

- "I'm glad then"- they stayed in silence, eating. Finally, it didn't feel awkward to be quiet. For the first time since they broke up.

- "Matthew?"- Joey whispered after a few minutes, sipping her lemonade. But she didn't say anything else. She just stared at him, trying to rearrange the words inside her head. She really didn't know how to say what she had been thinking about.

- "What is it?"- he asked curiously, looking at her, leaving his fork on the dish and rubbing his hand together.

- "I just... I mean, I wanted... do all the bruises still hurt? Now that you are in the crowd every day?"- he raised an eyebrow. Obviously, that wasn't what she wanted to ask, but he still didn't want to push her to say or do anything she didn't want to.

- "Not really."

- "Your face looks slightly better, though."

- "I was kind of liking the beaten up, tough guy look"- he added and grabbed his fork again- "I sent Sheemar a picture and told him now I am a badass too"- Joey smiled and chewed her nachos in silence- "Are you mad I'm coming to all your shows?"- but he had to ask, even though the answer was scary.

- "Mad? I don't know if that's the proper adjective to describe how I feel about it."

- "Care to share?"- the young woman bit her lower lip and frowned, trying, yet again, to put her thoughts in words. In the right words. She didn't want to give Matthew hope, but she was very touched by his actions. Still, that was not what she wanted or should tell him. But then, what was it?

- "I think I am still surprised"- she answered each word leaving her lips very slowly. Surprise seemed to be the right word. It wasn't good or bad.

- "Just surprised?"- he asked and raised an eyebrow- "A little excited? Maybe... happy?"

- "Surprise is a good word, I'm gonna go with surprise"- Joey assured with a nod

- "Surprise is ok"- Matthew smiled and looked at her, his eyes traveling through her face like he was trying to memorize every one of her features- "A good surprise?"- and she tried to fight the tiny smile that slowly appeared in the corner of her lips- "Is that a yes?"

- "It wasn't a bad surprise"- she simply said and kept eating as Gubler nodded, smiling.

- "Then I am glad I did it"- he stared at her for a second, adoration in his eyes, but decided it was better to talk about anything else for a moment- "So, what is it with Mikey?"

- "I have no idea!"- Joey was waiting to talk about that, but her mind was so settled on the nachos she hadn't have time to bring it up.

- "It was nice though, I am not complaining he ain't trying to beat the shit out of me."

- "I had never seen him so mad in my entire life like the day he hit you. I didn't know he could get to be so... physical? I don't know. He looks like a skinny, armless, tall man."

- "Do you think the same about me?"

- "I haven't seen you fight, ever."

- "So you do think I'm weakling"- Gubler pretended to be insulted as Joey smiled and shook her head

- "I think you can kick someone's ass. You can go all macho if you want"- and Matthew burst into such loud laughter, people at the restaurant turned to look at him.

- "All "macho"? What the fuck?"- and she giggled, watching his face turning red.

- "Like... I don't know! I wish I could say you get all Reid, F.B.I shit, but he never gets to kick ass"- Joey teased, and Matthew kept laughing.

- "Damn it, Reid!"- Gubler argued, chuckling- "What's the use of playing an F.B.I agent if I'm not the toughest?!"

Joey looked down and covered her face, laughing. Matthew looked at her and smiled, his heart swollen with love, deeply enjoying their moment. It was a date, he was sure of it now.

- "You are the hottest, though"- the words slipped out of the girl's lips, and she didn't even notice until she saw the pleased look in Matthew's eyes- "After Shemar, of course."

- "Hey! I was a model!"

- "So was he! he told me everything about it at the Christmas party"- Joey crossed her arms and smirked, feeling like a winner. At least she had managed to ignore her slip up- "Anyway... Mikey, yeah, he was nice, and it was weird, but I am not going to complain about it, 'cos shit is awkward enough, and I'm hoping this can decompress the air."

- "Why? Why is it awkward?"- Matthew was done eating, and so was Joey, but she grabbed the menu and roamed down it, looking for the desserts.

- "Well, the guys hate you, and they are not happy to see you. We've had a few conversations about you."

- "Am I causing you trouble with your job? 'Cos if I am..."

- "No, no, it's not that, my job is great, we are on the best terms on that subject, actually"- Joey made a pause and smiled, remembering the moment- "Frank said he wants me to stay in the band with them full time."

- "That's amazing!"- Matthew's eyes shone proudly, and he moved his hand and held Joey's- "I am so happy they appreciate your talent and hard work. You deserve all the good things that are happening in your job. You are the best drummer I know."

- "Do you know a lot of drummers?"- Joey replied snarkily, and Matthew chuckled.

- "I do actually, quite a few, and you"- he leaned closer to her, caressing her hand with his thumb, and whispered in the lowest and sexiest voice he had- "You are by far, the best drummer"- Joey made her best not to fluster with his eyes and his words, so she looked down and slowly moved her hand from his.

- "Thanks..."

- "But... why are you having trouble with them?"

- "'Cos they hate you, and though I am not a fan of you at the moment, you are the father of my baby, and I don't want to have a shitty relationship with you... I am guessing that's why Mikey is being so friendly to you now, 'cos he knows whatever happens, you will always be part of my life."

Matthew nodded, slightly disappointed by her words. Was she nicer at him 'cos she wanted to get along with him only because of the baby? Or was it because he still got a chance to get her back? Whatever the reason was, he wasn't going to give up.

- "And Frank?"

- "Jersey wants to kill you, but Jamia keeps him at bay and under control"- Matthew nodded, the waitress appeared to take their dishes and offered them dessert. Joey had already picked hers, but Matthew asked her if there was a second option in her head, so he could ask for it and split it.

- "Damn it, you sick bastard!!"- Joey thought, biting her inner lips as she looked at the menu again, picking a chocolate cake and churros- "He is making it so hard to hate him at this point!"

- "And Gerard?"- Joey was drinking what was left of her lemonade and nearly choke as he heard his name.

- "What about him? Clearly, he hates you. He spit on your face."

- "But is he giving you trouble?"

- "We don't talk"- Joey simply answered, trying not to look suspicious or jumpy- "And how's Paget?"

- "Good, she is excited about this trip."

- "Really?"

- "Yeah, she is still mad at me, though."

The drummer nodded, and the conversation died. Matthew couldn't just let the chance slip, so he just asked, hoping for the best.

- "Did Gerard do anything to you?"- and the girl closed her eyes, sighing.

- "I don't wanna talk about Gerard."

- "So he did"- Matthew's chest tightened as he saw Joey's hurt face. He knew there was something there, something she didn't want to share. And though he didn't want to push Joey, when it came to Gerard, he just couldn't contain himself 'cos he knew that guy was in love with his girl. And they both hated each other.

- "Matthew... do we have to ruin a perfect evening, the first nice evening we've had in... what it feels to be ever?"- she answered and looked at him- "There is nothing good that I can say about Gerard."

- "But, did he harm you?"- she shook her head.

- "No"

- "Did he threaten you in any way?"- his eyes showed so much angst, fear, and concern, Joey's heart beat faster.

- "No, he didn't"- there was only one more question left to do, and Gubler was afraid to ask it.

- "Did he... try to..."

- "I don't wanna talk about it"- and that was a yes.

- "When?"

- "Matthew"- Joey couldn't even look straight at him anymore. She glued her eyes at her hands, and the actor leaned slowly closer to her, holding her hands.

- "Hey, listen to me, whatever happened, just tell me, ok? I need to know what happened with you when I was away, and I need to know why he hates me so much if he ain't your friend... and why is he not your friend if you are close to the rest of the guys? I mean, Mikey is your brother, Ray is your dad, and Frank is your best friend... why is Gerard so distant? Do you keep him away?"- Joey bit her lips and slowly raised her eyes, and looked into Gubler's.

- "'Cos you were right"- she whispered.

A part of her wanted to forget about what had happened with Gerard. But a big part of her wanted and needed to share it with Matthew, 'cos she loved him deeply, more than anyone she had ever loved before. And because he was her best friend, she wanted to share everything with him, always. She needed to know his opinion over those kinds of things, and more than anything: she needed to take that weight off her shoulders.

- "Right about what?"

- "He says he is in love with me"- Matthew widened his eyes and looked at Joey in shock.

- "I knew it!"- and she nodded- "Did he... what? How do you know?"

- "'Cos after we broke up, he went nuts..." - the waitress interrupted the conversation and brought them their desserts. Suddenly Joey wished she could have a drink. She craved for whiskey to overcome the fear and sorrow that the subject brought to her.

- "Tell me, did he do anything to you?"- she didn't know what to say at that, 'cos... he had- "Joey?"

- "Ok, I'll tell you the whole story, and then you can ask all the questions, ok?"- he nodded and sat back in his chair. Joey took a deep breath and tried to find the right words to tell him what had happened.

- "Just... don't worry, I am not going to freak out, whatever you say"- Joey wanted to chuckle. She knew that was bullshit.

- "After we broke up... I wasn't in a good place..."- the story was hard to tell from the start- "I... well..."- and it was hard for Joey to share, especially with the person who had caused her sorrow.

- "It's ok... you can tell me anything"- he reassured and held her hands again.

- "I wasn't myself, I guess... and the guys had to..." - Joey made a pause, thinking how awesome the band had been with her and how much they loved her.

- "They took care of me for days, making sure I would eat, and sleep... and bath..."- each word was a dagger in Matthew's heart. He knew he had hurt her and that he was never going to forgive himself for it, but he didn't know the whole dimension of her pain.

- "I'm... so..."

- "Mikey spent most of the nights with me, stopping me from drinking myself to sleep and from calling you... he had my phone hidden for days and controlled everything I did in order to keep me from contacting you"- the girl smiled for a second- "I had done the same for him when we started touring, and he took his brother's duty very seriously."

Joey started playing with a napkin, but Matthew didn't leave her hands. He followed her and kept fondling her skin with his fingers sweetly.

- "Frank would buy me so much food and force me to eat it... Ray would watch all of the chicks flicks in the world with me, just to make me smile... he got me a deluxe edition of the Pride and Prejudice DVD. And he was forced to see it every day for a couple of weeks on the bus, and he never complained..."

- "They love you, you are their friend... you deserve having people like that around you, people who give you everything you deserve to be happy"- Matthew's voice cracked at the end, and Joey looked into his eyes for a second. She hadn't thought about sharing that kind of information with him that day. Or ever, as a matter of fact.

- "And Gerard... well... we weren't friends, at all, we never really talked much, from day one. It was always awkward when he was around, and it never felt like we were close. I always thought he hated me, and I tried to be nice, but it was just... the way he looked at me."

- "He looked at you like he was taking off your clothes, I saw him"- the girl sighed. She hated to know Matthew had always been right about it.

- "Even his wife asked me once if he had ever tried to make his move on me! and he hadn't! I told her right away, and I promised I would never let that happen 'cos I was with you, and I loved you."

The fact she had said it in past tense hurt was what Matthew deeply, more than all the insults she had ever said to him.

- "He was see-through about his desires with you."

- "I guess"- Joey shrugged and closed her eyes for a second- "But it wasn't until we broke up that I found out... the guys would spend all their free time with me in my room, they would bring movies and food, and anything they might think could take my mind from you... Gerard bought me coloring books, and that was useful... I think that's the nicest thing he had ever done for me."

Joey paused and bit her lips. The next thing she didn't want to say, but she knew she had to.

- "So, one night after dinner and movies, all the guys said goodbye and went to their rooms, and I headed to the shower. Just Mikey and Gerard were left there, and I had told them I just wanted to sleep. Mikey left, but Gerard didn't."

Matthew's blood started boiling as he did his best not to show how much the story affected him.

- "And?"

- "And when I walked out of the shower, he was still there, drawing comics and watching a movie. I crawled into my bed and asked him if he was going to leave, but he asked if I was sleepy or if I wanted to watch another movie."

- "And you watched the movie."

- "Yes"- the girl nodded- "And it was ok, nothing happened... until he tried..."

She closed her eyes to keep the tears that were starting to fill her eyes from falling.

- "He kissed me... and I stopped him 'cos I don't like him, and I didn't want to kiss him. He is married, and that shit ain't right, but he kept leaning over my lips. I remembered how much you hated him, so I kissed him back for a moment, 'cos I hated you, and I wanted to make you pay for everything you did to me. But... it just felt so bad, so... wrong and sick. I quickly stopped and asked him to leave me alone. That's when he started pouring his heart out to me, saying he loved me, that he wanted to be with me, that he wanted to make me happy... a bunch of shit I never even thought he might feel 'cos we never talked! We never shared anything! We weren't fucking friends!"

- "Shitty bastard"- Matthew's eyes were widened in shock as he looked at Joey's face, her hands brushing against her cheeks softly, trying to hide the tears that fell from her eyes.

- "So I kicked him out... and got drunk, called Mikey, and had an anxiety attack..."- Matthew frowned and held Joey's hand tight, kissing them several times. His eyes kept repeating "I'm sorry" over and over again as Joey bit her lips until drawing blood, just to stop herself from crying.

- "I am so sorry..."

- "That's not even the worst part"- she managed to whisper- "'Cos after the Valencia show, I was a fucking mess, you were watching it live, you sent me those messages... I just... I was in a real dark, dark place... so Frank and I got drunk, real drunk after the show... I ended up fighting and hitting Mikey- Joey frowned remembering that night- And flirting with some random guy of some band."

Matthew looked at her seriously, scared of what came next in the story.

- "So the guys took me out of there immediately"- and that let him take out a breath he never realized he was holding

- "They took you to the hotel?"

- "Yeah... and for a three in the morning cheeseburger and fries too, to soak up the alcohol"- she smiled for a second, but her face turned angsty again

- "I don't know how Gerard ended up being the one to take me to my room. I honestly don't remember... what I do remember is him kissing me."

- "You were drunk"- Matthew interrupted in shock. His eyes showed concern and fear

- "I was... not drunk enough to forget it though, at some point, I think I knew what I was doing, but everything was confusing. I think we talked... I don't know what it was about... but then comes a blur and next thing I know, I'm in my underwear, Gerard is kissing me, and I'm saying your name..."- the young woman makes a pause, and a soft sob leaves her lips- "I thought it you all along... and when I opened my eyes and saw him... it was hell."

Joey's tears kept falling as she heard her own story. Though she had lived it, it was different when it came from her lips out loud. It made it real. It made it hurt. It made her feel like Gerard had actually tried to abuse her. Matthew stood up and moved next to her, sitting right by her side, wiping off the tears from her cheeks and holding her.

- "Baby, he..."

- "He kept saying he loved me, that he wanted us to be together, and he refused to leave... I don't know how I kicked him out, but I know I told him I was never going to talk to him again... and I haven't ever since"- she looked down and sighed. It felt better to tell him, but it didn't feel better to hear it.

- "Joey, what happened to you is wrong, and I am so sorry it's my fault! I put you under those miserable conditions that made you think getting drunk was the only way out"- Matthew was crying too, feeling like scum. He rested his forehead in Joey's and held her hands tight- "I am so sorry, so fucking sorry, Yami."

- "Wanna hear something weird?"- she managed to whisper. He looked at her and nodded- "I am sorry too... I've been feeling so guilty and so dirty... like a fucking whore... and just 'cos I was mad at you and let him kiss me..."

- "Baby, no, you did nothing wrong, you had the right to be mad at me, and the right to hate me, he is the one who fucked it up, he was out of line... what if you hadn't said my name? What if you hadn't opened your eyes? He would have fuck you, and you would have thought it was me until the end... then what?"- Joey hadn't thought about it that way- "Baby, you were drunk, and he was abusing you"- but she shook her head.

- "That's too hard."

- "It wasn't right, what he did"- Joey sighed and nodded. Matthew sobbed and kissed her forehead- "I am so sorry, so sorry... I love you so much, and I hurt you this bad..."- he held her hands tight and kept kissing her fingers too. Joey shook her head and moved from him.

- "I was stupid. It's my fault... I should have known better, and I should have killed him, or at least break his fucking face..."

- "I can, and I will do it"- Matthew was serious. He never liked Gerard, and he hated him ever since he realized he had a thing for his girl. But after what he had heard, he wanted to kill him.

- "Technically, he is my boss, and I need this job"- Joey sobbed trying to put herself together and be rational.

- "Technically, he is an abuser, and you shouldn't be afraid."

- "I am not afraid! I just... his wife is gonna get here in like two days, and he won't get near me again... and I already managed to keep him away."

- "Joey..."- Matthew cupped her face in his hands sweetly

- "I can handle it"- it wasn't something Matthew was going to let go of, but he didn't want to argue with her, so he nodded.

- "Does Mikey know?"

- "Yes"- the girl whispered and sighed, feeling Matthew's hands still on her face, caressing her sweetly.

- "What did he say?"

- "He freaked out, fought with his brother, kept him away from me forever"- Joey said and moved away from Matthew to look at the desserts she now didn't want to eat- "You know, I feel like a fucking home wrecker, I'm a band wrecker... shit, I am Yoko! 'Cos everybody can feel Gerard, and I are not getting along, and everybody is with me..."

- "You are no Yoko, baby"- Matthew murmured and ran his thumb down her cheek, cutting her a short smile- "Your ass is way better"- he joked, and the girl couldn't control her chuckles- Gerard fucked it up, it's all his fault

- "I still feel like the shit though"

- "That's 'cos you are an amazing person who feels bad for Gerard cheating on his wife."

- "I don't wanna see her face"- Joey sighed and looked down again

- "Hey, I'm here now, and I don't care how badly you fight it, I am not leaving you alone, and I am taking care of you and our bean, forever now, ok?"- the girl nodded and sighed. It took her a few minutes to gather the courage to say what was in her mind until she gave up.

- "I know we broke up"- Joey whispered- "And I don't know what this is"- she added, pointing at the two of them- "But I feel so much better now that you know the truth, 'cos I really felt like the shit"- Matthew didn't know what to say- "I know you cheated on me, and I know I let Gerard kiss me when we were over as some sick revenge, but it felt like I was cheating on you too"- she murmured and looked down.

Matthew softly raised his hand and lifted her face with a sweet movement under her chin.

- "This is why I love you so much, 'cos no matter what happens, you are always the better person, and you are always worried about everybody's well-being instead of yours."

The look of his eyes on hers was so intense, Joey had to look away. She felt how her cheeks were blushing and her hands trembling. Matthew was dying to kiss her, but he felt it wasn't the time yet. So he stopped himself, one of the hardest things he had ever done. Instead, he leaned and kissed her cheek sweetly, feeling Joey's body tensing.

- "I think we should go, it's late, and my plane leaves tomorrow at seven"- he nodded and turned to the waitress, asking her to wrap the desserts to go.

- "I am absolutely positive you are gonna dive into those as soon as you reach your room"- he whispered, and Joey cut him a short smile- "Hey, hey, don't be sad"

- "I don't know how I feel"- she managed to say, cleaning her face- "But thank you for not freaking out"- Matthew ran his fingers sweetly through her hair, tucking some small locks behind her ear sweetly.

- "No matter what is going on between us, I love you, I am in love with you, you are the love of my life, and I am not going to leave you alone through whatever happens to you, ok?"- her heart melted with those words, but she couldn't say anything back. So Joey cut him a short smile and moved from him, excusing herself and heading to the bathroom.

- "I'm gonna kill him!"- Matthew thought as he locked his eyes on the table in front of him- "He tried to rape her... he could have raped her... if she hadn't stopped him... this is all your fault, asshole, this is all because of you, all because you cheated and broke her heart if you had been there if you had traveled to be with her instead of getting stuck at work... if you had thought there was a chance you might lose her."

The actor tightened his jaw, making his best not to cry, though he felt so powerless and angry he might have been able to run to the hotel and break Gerard's face in a second. But the waitress arrived with the check and the desserts to go. He paid for dinner, gathered all their things, and took a hoodie for Joey from his backpack.

She walked slowly to him a few minutes later. She had cleaned her face, whipped off her makeup and tears. Her eyes were red and puffy from all the crying, but she was still the most beautiful woman on earth for Matthew.

- "I didn't know if you had a jacket, so I brought you this"- he said and offered her his hoodie. She smiled and put it on. He didn't know she had sent her jacket back to the hotel with Jamia just so she could wear his and feel his scent wrapped around her.

- "Thank you"- she smiled, blushing, and held the paper bag with the desserts- "I feel kind of bad for taking both..."

- "I was planning on stealing some churros on the way over"- he answered and smiled

- "Are you planning to steal your baby's churros?"- Joey pretended to be socked, and Gubler chuckled.

- "I am planning to stop the mother of my child to get intoxicated in sugar"- and Joey giggled

- "You are right, this is way too much sugar for me... so let's go halfsies"- Joey opened the bag and took a look at it as Matthew opened the restaurant door and smiled.

- "We are not even half a block away from the restaurant, and we are already digging into the doggy bag."

- "I know"- Joey smiled and held a churro, dripping Nutella, and ate in silence for a few minutes- "When we are in Seattle, I'm gonna stay with mom and dad."

- "How are they?"

- "They keep calling and telling me they miss me, so I'm staying an extra day there to be with them"- Matthew nodded and grabbed churro- "They are also going to the show that day... they want to meet the guys."

- "Your mom is gonna love Frank"- and Joey burst out laughing at the thought

- "I actually thought she might fall for Ray"

- "No, no, she is gonna go for the crazy little one who has too much energy for his own good"- the girl looked at Matthew and chuckled

- "Do you wanna bet?"

- "Deal"- he answered immediately and shook her hand- "Ten bucks?"

- "You've got it"

- "You are gonna eat the ground, Sveinbjörndottir x

- "In your dreams, Gubler"

- "Your mom is gonna love Frank, I am sure, he is funny, he is hyper, they are just gonna click."

- "You have him all figured it out"- Joey frowned, surprised.

- "You weren't going to travel with a band, and I was not going to know all about it. Besides, I listen when you tell me stories about your friends"- the girl nodded and looked down.

- "So... I was wondering if you wanna come with me for brunch to my house tomorrow"- the girl finally asked, her cheeks turning red as she spoke, and a smile lodging on Matthew's lips as he heard her.

- "Are you asking me out on a date?"

- "No!"- she quickly replied and snorted- "I am just being nice. My family loves you, you are gonna be there. If you don't want to come, you don't have to."

- "I would love to come. I love your parents... and if your mom is cooking, you are never going to take me out of her kitchen."

Joey smiled and finished her churro. She didn't want to tell him they had no idea they had broken up. It might mean to face the fact she wasn't sure if it was a definitive decision, it was something that still wasn't clear in her mind, and it wasn't the right time to even think about it.

- "Besides, we can tell them about the baby... together"- Matthew's face changed, and a huge smile lodged on his lips. That was a glimmer of hope in his heart. Telling her parents they were going to be parents together.

- "Sounds like a plan"- he said, making his best to look calm- "Do you want to tell my parents when we reach Los Angeles?"- and she nodded

- "Yeah, we can give them an ultrasound and surprise them"- she added. She started thinking the next check-up with her doctor they might find out if they were having a boy or a girl, and she wanted to talk to him about baby names, but she still didn't know what to do with her feelings toward him. She was still confused, and after telling him about Gerard, she was actually scared he might think about everything overnight and decide to walk away from her.

- "What are you doing tomorrow?"- Matthew asked after a few minutes of silence

- "Jamia wanted to go shopping for maternity wear... then soundcheck and a show... you?"

- "I have to get some cardboard as soon as I reach Vancouver"- Joey frowned and looked at him confused- "I need to make a cute banner for a show I am going to tomorrow night, and I need some art supplies"- the girl giggled and looked away.

- "We should take a cab"- that was the best way she could find to change the subject to anything that didn't make her feel awkward... and in love.

- "Sure, you must be tired"- Matthew quickly looked around and stopped a cab- "Come on, let's get you to your hotel."

Gerard and Ray were smoking on their way back to the hotel. They had talked about pretty much anything they could that wasn't related to their biggest problem. Ray tried to cheer his friend up, and Gerard did his best to be his old self and have fun. He needed to have fun; he had spent way too many days miserable on his own.

But from a distance, Ray saw Joey and Matthew standing outside their building and stopped in his tracks.

- "What?"- Gee frowned and turned to his friend.

- "I just... can we wait?"

- "Why?"- was it right to tell Way what he was trying to keep him away from? Maybe not, but he really didn't have an excuse to stop walking.

- "I don't wanna bump into Joey and Gubler. They are saying goodbye at the hotel's door."

Gerard turned his head immediately and searched for their silhouettes from a distance. He saw clearly how he leaned over and hugged her for a second and how she got up on her tiptoes and hugged him back. His blood boiled in a second, but he didn't move. The worst thing he could do was make a scene in front of Joey, and now he finally got it. He had to learn to control himself if he wanted to be with her, even if it was just as a friend.

Gerard lit another cigarette and watched Joey walking into the hotel as Matthew stayed outside waving at her, probably until she disappeared inside the building. And when he started walking away, Ray and Gerard continued their way to the hotel. Staying away from Gubler was a good plan, considering how Gerard had often said he wanted to end the guy. And by the look on his face, Toro knew he wasn't joking.

But they didn't have good luck that night. Neither of them, 'cos their paths crossed, as Gubler walked away from the hotel, and the others walked towards it. The second Matthew saw Gerard, his whole face changed. He was so happy after his date with Joey- 'cos it had been a date, and no one could deny it- until he met those eyes. Gerard's eyes, staring daggers at him.

- "Mother fucker"- Matthew spit every letter on those words with pure hate. He didn't even say anything else. He just walked fastly over Way and punched his face.

- "What the fuck?!"- Ray shouted and stood in the middle of the fight- "Stop it! Stop it!"

- "He tried to rape her!! I am gonna fucking kill you, Way!"- Gerard held one hand against his cheek and looked at Gubler, infuriated. But he didn't stay still and waited to get punched again. He jumped over Matthew to hit him. But Ray kept pushing them away from each other

- "Gerard!! Stop it!! Gubler!"- Toro shouted- "For Christ Sakes! You are grown-ups! Stop this shit!"

- "No! He hurt her!!"- Gubler shouted

- ”Yeah, like you didn't break her fucking heart, asshole!!"

- "At least I don't have to wait until she is drunk to tell her that I love her!"- Gerard widened his eyes as he stared at Gubler. So Joey told her everything- "You fucking tried to rape her!! You are sick!! And I'm gonna kill you!"

- "What the fuck are you talking about?!"- Ray asked, not getting a thing.

- "So you don't know your friend tried to have sex with Joey when she was intoxicated?"- Toro turned to Gerard in shock- "He didn't tell you? You abused her!"

- "She knew what she was doing! We talked about it!"

- "That's why she said my name when you were trying to get under her skirt?!"- Matthew shoved Ray out of the way and grabbed Gerard by the collar of his shirt, pushing him against the wall

- "I am gonna fucking kill you!"- Way struggled and moved against Gubler's weight until he could kick him in the balls and get rid of his grip.

- "I didn't try to rape her!"- he shouted and jabbed Matthew's back- "I am not a sick fucking monster!"

- "Stop it!!"- Ray grabbed his friend by the back and pulled him away from Gubler.

- "She told me everything"- the actor managed to stand up straight, despite all the pain he was feeling and noticed how Gerard's lip had split and started to bleed- "So you better stay away from her and my kid if you don't want me to tell your wife how you got Joey naked when she was intoxicated thinking it was me the one with her."

It wasn't the threat of telling Lynz what hurt Gerard the most. It was the fact Matthew knew Joey was thinking about Gubler when she was in his arms. That hurt harder than the punch.

- "Ok, enough! Come on, Gerard!"- Ray grabbed his friend by the arm and pulled him away from Matthew, who was still pretty sore after the kick in his crotch to continue the fight.

- "I'm gonna fucking kill you!"- Way spit on Gubler's feet as he walked by his side.

- "I don't care if you fucking do, as long as you stay away from her!"- Matthew answered and kept his eyes on Way as he and Toro walked away from him.

- "What the fuck?!"- Ray made his best not to yell as they walked far enough from Matthew to make sure Gerard wasn't going to run back to continue the fight- "What was he talking about?"

- "Nothing"

- "Clearly, it wasn't "nothing." He was ready to kill you. What the fuck happened with Joey?"

- "I don't wanna talk about it"- Gerard lit another cigarette and stood outside the hotel, still looking back down the street, in case Matthew would come back to continue the fight.

- "Did you tried to..."- Ray asked, but Way didn't let him finish.

- "She wasn't unconscious! She knew what she was doing!"

- "And did she know she was doing it with you?"- but Gerard couldn't answer. Toro nodded and felt the same drive of anger Matthew had a few minutes earlier. He wanted to beat up his friend until getting some sense out of him.

- "I didn't know she thought it was him, I thought she wanted to... until she realized and... and I stopped, I didn't try to continue! I would never hurt her! I would never abuse her! I fucking love her!"

Tears were coming up to Gerard's eyes as he tried to explain what had happened and to stop the guilt that was taking over him as he realized how fucked up he was.

- "You do realize you crossed the line, do you?"- Toro's voice was cold and deep. He never thought his friend would get so far. And he felt embarrassed to think Joey had been pushed to be and work with Way all those days, never saying a thing. Did Mikey know? Did Mikey say anything to Gerard? Was he upset with his older brother?

- "I never meant to hurt her"- Way whispered and glued his eyes on the floor- "I actually thought she wanted me."

- "She doesn't, she didn't, she won't, fucking deal with it!"- his friend's voice was so severe, Gerard couldn't even argue with him- "I'm gonna go to bed"- Ray turned around and started walking away.

- "I didn't mean to"- the singer whispered, and his voice broke- "I didn't mean to hurt her... "

- "So what? You did it anyway"- Ray simply replied and continued his way back to his room.

Joey sighed as she laid on her bed and closed her eyes. Her lips tasted like chocolate. She was already showered, in her pajamas, and most of the chocolate cake was gone. She was wearing Matthew's hoodie again, the one he had given her that day. And she was in heaven.

- "Ok bean, let's see what else did your dad put in this iPod"- the girl chuckled and shuffled through the tracks.

She had already heard three Dr. Seuss stories- "Green eggs with Jam," "Oh, the places you'll go," and "Mr. Brown can moo, can you?"- and he couldn't wait to see what was coming up next. She placed a headphone on her belly and another in her ear, pushed play, and heard Matthew's voice in a matter of seconds.

- "Baby, I can't sugarcoat this, so I might as well just be honest with you. Your mom and I are weird. But in a great kind of way. With us, every day will be Halloween, and I am sure all of your school classmates will be jealous, 'cos you are gonna have the coolest mom and dad."

Joey chuckled at the thought of her baby going to school, and her belly filled with butterflies as Matthew kept talking.

- "So I've decided, and I am sure your mom will be on board with me on this one, that you shall start appreciating some good old Edgar Allan Poe from this moment on, so hold on tight, close your eyes and enjoy this amazing ride, ok? 'Cos I am sure you are gonna love it"

The soon-to-be new mom chuckled nervously and closed her eyes. She could nearly see Matthew whispering the words sitting next to her, just like the day he had done, sitting in their fort, reading scary stories, eating Oreos.

"True! Nervous. Very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why will you say that I am mad? The disease had sharpened my senses --not destroyed --not dulled them. Above all was the sense of hearing acute. I heard all things in the heaven and in the earth. I heard many things in hell. How, then, am I mad? Hearken! and observe how healthily --how calmly I can tell you the whole story.

- "Bean, you are gonna love your dad so much"- Joey whispered as she caressed her belly with her eyes closed, drifting slowly drifting off, a small smile on her lips.

::: Vancouver, April 2, 2011 :::

Ray was embarrassed to look Joey in the eyes the whole morning. Ever since they left the hotel at five-thirty in the morning, he had made his best to look away every time she was near, only because he was so mortified by the thought of how bad she might have felt, and he never really realized.

Memories of the last days of the Europe tour kept coming to his head. How Mikey would never leave Joey alone, how she never talked directly to Gerard. She didn't even look at him. It all made sense now, and he felt like the shittiest friend he never noticed something honestly bad had happened. He saw now how Mikey made a barricade around Joey to keep away his own brother. 'Cos he knew how badly Gerard had fucked it up.

- "Hey"- Gerard whispered and took him from his thoughts. They were standing in the hotel lobby, waiting for Frank to appear so they could leave for a radio interview.

- "Hey"- he simply answered and looked around

- "Listen, I know you are mad at me, I am mad at myself too... I just... need your help"- it took Gerard a lot of effort after a sleepless night to come to his friend and honestly ask for help. But he knew he needed it. He knew how much he had done wrong.

- "I want to help you"- Ray tapped on the singer's back and cut him a shy smile- "Just... start by apologizing with her... and stop telling her you love her, asshole"- Gerard nodded and chuckled - "Just make sure you won't do anything stupid again"- the conversation was interrupted with laughter. Joey, Jamia, and the baby twins appeared in the lobby, along with Frank.

- "Someone is happy after a little nap"- Mikey said and looked at Joey, who was shining.

- "After puking and sleeping, I feel like I was reborn"- she answered. Gerard smiled, overhearing the conversation, closing his eyes. Maybe if he didn't see her, she wouldn't see him either. He couldn't take her cold eyes anymore. He didn't want her to hate him. Mikey wrapped an arm around her and tickled her.

- "And so the girls are gonna go shopping. I'm telling you, being with Jamia is turning you into a girl"- Joey's laughter made Gerard feel his heart itched. He could listen to that sound every minute of every day for the rest of his life.

- "Stop telling me I'm a girl, or I'll smack you"- the drummer answered and chuckled.

- "We are getting maternity wear, honey, you are a girl"- Jamia teased her friend and grabbed her arm- "Now start pushing this stroller, come on"- she kissed his husband, and Joey waved at her friends. Gerard looked down, and she was glad. She didn't want to cross a word or even look at him.

- "Wait, Bug"- Mikey opened his backpack and grabbed an envelope- "Jeffrey got this for Matthew... so he won't get in trouble with security anymore."

Joey looked at her friend and opened her mouth. But no word came from it. She was speechless, staring at him. She just wrapped his arms around him and sighed.

- "Yeah, I love you too"- he answered and kissed the top of her head.

- "Thank you... did you tell the guys? Are they ok with this?"

- "I'll manage them, don't worry"- she smiled and nodded- "I'll see you later, ok?"

- "Takk bróðir (thank you, brother)"

As soon as Jamia and Joey walked away with seven-month-old Lily and Cherry, Frank turned to Mikey and frowned.

- "What are you gonna manage?"

- "You and Gerard"- his two friends turned confused- "I just got Matthew a backstage pass so he can be with Joey before and after the shows without any problem, and I need you two to be cool with that."

The silence was so thick, even Worm felt awkward when he stepped next to the band and told them the van was waiting for them.

- "What the fuck?"- Frank yelled as they started walking- "I thought we had all agreed we never forgive this mother fucker."

- "We won't, but if she does, I don't wanna lose her"- Mikey simply answered, and Ray nodded- "So, I'm gonna do my best to be a good friend with her, and support her decisions..."

- "What the fuck?!"- Frank shouted again

- "Sorry, I'm with Mikey on this one"- Ray supported his friend and nodded- "She is a grownup, and we must trust her decisions. Besides, he is the father of her baby, giving him another chance it's the obvious move"- Iero shook his head in disapproval.

- "And what do you think about it?"- he asked Gerard, who had been awfully quiet the whole time.

- "I don't have anything to add to this conversation, Joey had made clear she doesn't give a shit what I think about her or Matthew, so I won't get in her way."

- "Quitting on your crush, eh?"- Frank teased him and sighed- "I'm gonna kill that mother fucker if he fucks it up again. I don't want to see Iceland crying over him."

- "Neither of us does, but... she is a grownup, man"- Mikey said, looking down at his feet as they walked- "And I don't want him to be the reason she won't talk to me again."

Matthew stood outside his hotel and grabbed his phone. He was honest the night before when he told Joey, he needed to get some cardboard, but now he knew she was out with Jamia to get some maternity wear. It wouldn't hurt to casually bump into her, right?

- "Matthew Gray"- the young woman's voice at the other side of the line made him smile as soon as he heard her

- "María Josefina , how are you today?"

- "Feeling slightly rested after napping a few hours this morning, you?"

- "I just checked in 'cos I had a flight at a decent hour, and I feel fully rested"

- "Lucky you"- Jamia bit her lip as she looked at Joey talking with Matthew. Her friend's cheeks were blushed, and she kept looking around, nervous.

- "And, are you out with Jamia shopping?"

- "As a matter of fact, I am... she dragged me to Metropolis, and she keeps trying me to get maternity things, and I keep trying to get more band shirts."

Matthew chuckled, remembering how it was like to go out shopping with Joey. She would always get excited with Hot Topic band shirts and Lush bath bombs. And forget whatever it was she was there to buy.

- "Maybe maternity band shirts are a thing..." - he joked, and Joey giggled. Jamia looked at her and wide opened her eyes

- "Oh my god! You are a fucking girl"- she whispered, and Joey hit her arm right away

- "Shut up!!"

- "Sorry"- Matthew quickly answered as he got into a taxi. He covered his phone and asked to be taken to the mall.

- "I wasn't talking to you. J here is bugging me."

- "Do you need help getting her off your neck?"

- "Nah, I love her"

- "I love you too!!"- Jamia quickly said and hugged her- "It's the first time you tell me that!! I can't believe it!!"

Mrs. Iero was excited, and Joey closed her eyes, not knowing what to say. She felt she was blushing in a very awkward situation.

- "You've got a friend"- he teased her

- "Shut up! What are you doing?"

- "On my way to get some cardboard, I told you I needed some."

- "Right, right, your craft project"- he chuckled, and Joey blushed

- "Exactly, so... wanna have lunch with me... and your best friend, Jamia?"

- "Shut up!"

- "She is your BFF. Deal with it"

- "I hate that! I hate the girly shit!"

- "I know!"- Matthew chuckled- "That's why it's so funny, Yami."

- "Shut up!"- the actor held his breath but only heard her chuckles- "So... are you coming over?"

- "I am"- he quickly answered and bit his lips. She didn't stop him after he called her Yami. That was a pretty good sign- "So, lunch?"

- "Are you buying?"

- "Sure"

- "Then no"- Joey quickly answered and bit her lips. She knew she was flirting, and what was worse, she couldn't stop- "I owe you too many meals"

- "Then, are you buying lunch?"

- "Maybe"

- "Are you asking me out again?"

- "Shut up"- the girl chuckled, and so did Matthew- "Call me when you get here, ok?"

- "Ok, see you in a bit"- Joey hung up the phone and turned to Jamia.

- "Don't say a word!"- the drummer quickly said, making her friend giggle

- "I'm not saying anything! I'm not even thinking you are so in love with him you are making out with him today. I am so fucking sure."

- "Shut up!"- Joey punched her arm softly and continued pushing the baby stroller around the mall

- "You love him so much"

- "I know... it's a curse."

- "He loves you more, he fucked it up, but he is doing everything to fix it, and you should appreciate it, 'cos not many guys do that, you know?"

- "I know... but he fucked it up for real."

- "Yeah, he really did... it's a good thing he knows he has to make amends, though."

- "You love him, deal with it"- Joey chuckled and turned to her friend, who was blushing as a matter of fact

- "I do not! I'm just honest"

- "Yeah, honestly crushed on him!"

- "Shut the fuck up!"

Having lunch with Joey and Jamia was heaven for Matthew. He played with the babies for hours. He couldn't get enough of the twins. And all he could think about was how exciting it was going to be having his own little toddler to play with.

Joey was floating in love, and Jamia could see it from miles away. She wouldn't say a thing 'cos she knew it would freak her friend out, but it was clear for Jamia that Joey was eventually going to forgive Matthew.

- "Mikey sent you this"- the drummer opened her backpack and handed over an envelope- "He says you can come whenever you want"

Gubler opened and took the backstage pass, feeling completely speechless.

- "Don't worry about Frank"- Jamia smiled- "I'll make sure he won't kill you."

- "And Gerard?"- Joey frowned at his words- "Sorry, we kind of argued last night."

- "What?"- the soon-to-be mom looked at Matthew, scared and confused- "When? Why?"

- "I bumped into him and Ray after we said goodnight, and we sort of... argue... so I'm not sure he'd be glad to see me around"- Gubler looked at Joey and tried to smile innocently- "Besides, he spit me the other time."

- "Did you fight him?"- the answer was obvious, but the girl had to ask. Jamia didn't get shit of what was going on, but it was clear Matthew and Gerard had bigger issues than with Frank.

- "There was some physical interaction stopped by Ray"

- "He had a split lip today"

- "Really? Did it look too bad?"- Mattew sniggered, and Joey looked at him dumbfounded- "We merely talked a few minutes..."

- "About what?"

- "About him staying the fuck away from you"

- "I told you I could handle it"

- "I am sure you can. I am just making damn sure he gets it"- there was a stressful silence at the table. Matthew and Joey looked at each other for a moment until he said

- "I didn't mean to interfere. I just needed to tell him a few things from this end of the story."

Jamia didn't get a thing, but it was clear the couple needed a minute, so she slowly stood up and excused herself under the excuse of getting something for the babies and walked away.

- "Did you tell him anything about what we talked about?"

- "I just wanted to make sure he gets I am here and that he can't do shit to you"

- "Why? Why did you do that?"- the girl was afraid she might lose her job over an argument between Way and Gubler. But a big part of her was relieved to know Matthew had her back. She hated to ask for help, but at that point, she was a little scared to be on her own with Gerard.

- "I'm sorry, Joey. I don't want to get you into any trouble at work. I just wanted him to know he can't and won't do anything to you if I am here to stop him"- Matthew held Joey's hand upon the table- "I know you hate people taking care of you. I don't mean to make you mad. I just needed to get that shit off my chest 'cos even if you and I are never a couple again, I will never let him touch you."

The look in his eyes was so intense, Joey was afraid to lose contact. So she just stared at him in silence, thinking she had never felt safer than when he was close to her and how she was never going to tell him that. Until her phone rang.

- "It's soundcheck time. Where are you?"- Mikey asked at the other side of the line

- "At the mall with Jamia."

- "We are on our way to the venue. Did you have lunch?"

- "Yes, bróðir, I'll be at the venue as soon as I can."

- "See you there"- the girl sighed and looked at Gubler.

- "You gotta go"- and she nodded- "Are you mad at me"- she stayed quiet and shook her head.

- "No, I'm just scared this might cause more troubles."

- "It won't"- he made his best to reassure- "And if it does, I swear I'll make sure I'll fix it"- the girl stared into his chocolate eyes and sighed.

- "How?"

- "I don't know, but I'll make it work, I swear."

And for once, Joey didn't argue back.

The kids in the line to get to the show had been waiting for the band for the last six hours in the freezing Vancouver weather. Ray and Frank looked at them as soon as they reached the venue and decided to get them some coffee to keep them warm. And while that was being arranged, Joey and Jamia, with the babies, arrived. Along with Matthew. The drummer felt like holding his hand as they walked into the venue, but she hesitated and stuffed them in the pockets of her jacket.

- "Hey baby"- Frank walked to his wife and kissed her sweetly, to then hold his babies at the very same time- "How was your day?"

- "We had a lot of fun, and auntie Joey got us some pretty awesome shirts from Hottopic."

- "Yeah, I'm trying to be the cool aunt"- the drummer said and smiled as Matthew stood close to her and smiled at Frank.

- "Hi!"- but Frank just nodded. Mikey and Ray walked over and shook his hand, which made him feel a little less awkward, and it made Joey feel like she wasn't going to get a heart attack. Gerard stayed away, talking with Worm and James.

- "It's nice to see you under nicer circumstances"- Toro said to Gubler, and both of them nodded.

- "Yeah... sorry to get you in the middle of..."

- "It's ok, I get it"

- "Dad?"- Joey asked and raised an eyebrow- "What the fuck happened last night with the three of you?"

- "Can we talk about that later?"- he replied with a friendly expression- "It's all good, nothing bad happened, and I am glad Matthew is here"- the drummer raised an eyebrow, but Ray just smiled- "I mean it, Bug."

- "Sure"- she answered skeptically. Jeffrey announced the coffee had arrived, and the whole band got ready to walk out and start giving hot beverages to the kids.

Matthew stared at the scene in silence. He couldn't believe how excited the kids got to see Joey there. Sure, he knew she was great, and he always thought she could be successful as a drummer. But to see her there, signing autographs and taking pictures with actual fans, that was still astonishing. He even took a few pictures. That's how proud he felt of her.

- "You are drooling"- Jamia announced to him as he stood next to him, next to the door, as she stared at the scene.

- "Yeah, I know"- he answered, blushing- "I just can't help it."

- "It's ok, she loves you, you know that right?"- he wanted to say yes, but he didn't want to get his hopes so high just yet- "She is crazy for you, just be patient, ok?"- and he nodded, smiling at Jamia- "Now please, be a lamb and help me with the girls, I need an extra hand to change diapers, and you, my dear, need to start getting some practice at this."

The actor helped Jamia change the baby's diapers and set everything backstage for her and the girls. He loved to help, and most of all, he loved being around kids. They made him happy. That's why he was so excited about being a parent.

After the soundcheck, Mikey started jamming with Joey. Gerard disappeared with Ray, the guitarist making his best to support his friend in his crusade of being an actual normal human being, and most of all: to stop him from breaking Gubler's face. Frank looked at Joey and Mikey chuckling and walked over.

- "What are we playing?"

- "Breed"- the drummer said, chuckling- "And you are singing today"

- "Fuck you, I am the one singing the whole time"

- "That's 'cos you are so fucking cute, Jersey!"- Joey stuck out her tongue to him and started counting.

For a few months now, every soundcheck, the three of them would play a few songs they liked, like a mini jam, just them. Joey loved it, 'cos it was like having a little band of their own. And her bands had never worked out. They would play Nirvana, Misfits, and some Thursday songs (those they ended up poorly recording and sending to Tucker to make his day). Mikey would also take over the drum, letting Joey be in charge of the bass, practicing the skills they had learned from each other in the latest months. They had fun, and everybody could tell, mostly 'cos the three of them wouldn't stop laughing.

Matthew stared at the scene and smiled, thinking his girlfriend had never seemed so happy around people before. Now she had friends, good friends, best friends. And beyond how jealous that made him feel at the beginning, he was now glad she had met so many wonderful people that had made her feel happy and loved. She deserved that.

- "And? Did you make your daily banner already?"- Jamia asked him and smiled- "That's my favorite part."

- "Yeah, I have to finish it"

- "Do you need help?"

- "Do you know where I can do it, and she won't find me? And that I won't bump into Gerard?"

- "You two really don't get along"

The actor didn't really want to talk about that with Jamia, he didn't want to mess up, and he had no idea how much of the whole deal she knew, so he just nodded and looked down

- "Let me ask Worm, I'll be right back. Can you put an eye on the babies?"

- "Sure!"

Joey looked over Matthew, playing with Lily and Cherry, his whole face shining in happiness. She could feel her heart melting with every second she spent next to him. How could she stay mad at him if she didn't want to hate him anymore?

Taglist: @all-tings-diego @worryd0ll

Do you wanna talk about this story, or be added to the taglist? send me a message here

[crimeronan]

Can you explain the appeal of Julian Blackthorn? This is a genuine question because I read the books and came away utterly bored by him and unconvinced of his moral greyness as opposed to like, Adam Parrish’s. He seemed so one dimensional to me but I want to know if I’m Wrong TM considering I tend to be very very biased toward my favourite characters and bored by the rest, and my favourites were Mark and Kieran. So maybe I just didn’t pay him enough attention??

it’s been a while since i wrote any earnest tsc meta but cringe culture is dead and the chance to infodump about my julian thoughts has me vibrating where i’m sitting so.  yes okay.

technical stuff

(aka: things pertaining to How The Story Is Constructed)

cassandra clare’s characterization has become much stronger just in general since she first began writing the series like twenty years ago

perhaps most importantly: the more recent stuff i’ve read from her has involved characters who actually grow, change, and learn from their past mistakes 

rather than repeating the same stupid decisions over and over again

and over and over and over some more

seriously take a shot every time someone in tmi miscommunicates or self-destructs in ways They Have Learned Not To Do for no real reason. u will die of alcohol poisoning

in tda this shines ESPECIALLY with the evolution of mark, kieran, and cristina’s relationship, but that’s a separate post

clare’s trademark is also the angsty traumatized jerkass love interest with a secret heart of gold

the woman is almost singlehandedly responsible for draco in leather pants and the proliferation of this kind of character type in fandom and teen lit. this isn’t a criticism it’s me marveling at how if you commit hard enough to a single trope you truly can change the world.  follow your dreams

sad jackass with a heart of gold isn’t an Inherently Problematic Character Type

but poorly done it can lead to relationship dynamics in which one partner is constantly being hurt by and then forgiving the other despite them making no real effort to change, because they are narratively absolved due to being sad

(there’s a lot of this with earlier jace content.  in some ways i think will was later created specifically to be a same-archetype protagonist who actually does get called on his shit and grow. that’s also another post)

also if all of your sexy male love interests are tortured jackasses with a heart of gold then people start calling you a one-trick pony

enter julian blackthorn!

from the very start everything about him is designed to be the INVERSE of the heart of gold jackass.  which immediately makes him interesting just from a meta perspective

(mark and kieran are also both alternate angles on this time-honored archetype.  mark gets the heart of gold and kieran gets the jackass and then they’re both much more deeply messy than that.  yet another post)

julian is kind, self-sacrificing, empathetic, artistic, emotionally supportive, responsible, and favored by old grannies everywhere

so a completely nonthreatening milquetoast guy, right

immediately forgettable if you’re only here for the dramatic conflicts and shithead antics of clare’s other protags

except that he is A Mess

and that he has structured his priorities very carefully, and they are as selfless as you expect from The Hero (TM) but they are also Not Heroic (TM) and they do not align with the moral framework The Hero (TM) is supposed to use

moral ambiguity in characters always exists in relation to their narratives imo. you mention adam parrish - trc’s narrative already mucks around in different ethical shades of gray, and adam falls on the canon scale about where julian does on his canon scale.  both more willing than the average pov character to do the ruthless thing or make the fucked-up choice if the ends justify the means; both with an intensely strong sense of internal priorities that they adhere to at all costs, both so unbelievably fucking down for murder; etc

i do think there are ways julian’s choices could have been pushed even further, but considering the number of readers who hate his guts already, i can see why clare opted not to go for the most controversial possible conflicts

so we’re flipping the narrative

instead of seeing this angsty bad boy and peeling back the layers of his trauma to find his heart of gold, we’re seeing the put-together selfless family man and peeling back the layers of his Responsibility Mask to expose the rotting husk underneath

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

THAT IS FUN AS FUCK

then when julian DOES lash out in hurtful, uncontrolled ways, he has significantly more narrative justification for it than most of clare’s protagonists (will elaborate in characterization thoughts)

julian is also interesting as fuck because of how his struggles allow for a more in-depth look at the failings of shadowhunter society, something that’s also sorely lacking in clare’s earlier work

his apparent amorality is simply the result of him making pragmatic and impossible choices because he has been faced with fucked-up ethical dilemmas since age 12 Because Society Has Failed Him

which opens the door for narrative exploration of how and why he’s been failed so badly & what needs to change

i also love that he has such a coldly calculated way of analyzing situations and allowing harm to occur when need be, bc a lot of clare’s early protagonists have such a bad case of Rush In And Get Myself Killed Because I’ve Got Feelings About Impulsive Heroism syndrome that i wanna push them in front of a truck

probably there’s other meta narrative stuff i could say but i’m stopping myself and moving on to character analysis

characterization stuff

(aka: reasons why i’m also attached to him in a vacuum)

i don’t read him as one-dimensional at all tbh

u may feel the narrative pushes “ruthless julian blackthorn” too much without delivering enough actual ruthless julian But i don’t think that’s the same as having only one dimension

from the get-go, the big question centered on julian is always “how far are you willing to go?” and the narrative pushes the stakes slowly higher and higher to continuously test julian’s “the price is always justified” mindset

he has a far more layered and realistic response to trauma than clare’s early protagonists - trauma affects every single aspect of his personality and how he conducts himself, and the effects vary depending on the circumstances

his conviction that he has to be the perfect parent to his siblings because they will fall apart if they see him show weakness??  rooted in how he feels like he’s fallen apart since losing the stable adult support he once relied upon

his willingness to hurt semi-innocent people, commit coldblooded murder, manipulate people using political leverage, allow harm to befall any stranger if it protects his family??  rooted in how he has already had to ask himself how much he’s willing to sacrifice, and how his family is his only source of stability when the world has never done Shit for him

his conviction that he has a darker heart than anyone else because he killed his possessed father, even though intellectually he knows he was saving his brother’s life??  rooted in having no means of processing this trauma and being unable to voice his feelings for fear of backlash from a deeply non-understanding society

the way he represses every single negative emotion he ever has, to the point where emma - his actual literal magic soulmate who can feel his emotions - is startled to find him hurting or angry??  once again all about how he has to be the perfect father or he’s failed completely

the way his anger is so totally disproportionate to different situations and the way his negative emotions can only come out in completely uncontrolled breaks??  all that repression baybey.  this kid has not processed a single bad feeling in five years.  every single real grievance and petty annoyance has been festering indefinitely inside him like a slowly spreading infection

julian’s arc involves him needing to get thru being his worst self to actually start to heal

as in, he has to actually learn to acknowledge his feelings, take care of himself, lean on his family, and let other people take some responsibility

he also has to learn that in his quest to be the perfect emotionally controlled authority figure, he has not actually learned how to control or deal with his emotions. like. At Fucking All. good god

the narrative setup is also about asking “how far are you willing to go?” until the answer is finally “not this far.  not this far”

and once he reaches that point, he has to reevaluate everything about how he weighs his priorities and morals and plans, etc

(i also like that emma has a perpendicular arc in which she’s always the one tempering julian and telling him “no we can’t go that far” until she’s willing to do something horrific that he absolutely won’t and HE has to stop HER. very sexy)

it’s also just really nice to have a character who’s learned to relate so well to literally every single member of his family while still having a very detached ruthless interior consciousness. i have similar feelings about how adam teaches himself to love people, but with julian it’s spelled out more explicitly in canon & it’s a more central character theme

i’m sure i’m also forgetting stuff here but this post is long enough so i’m gonna say good enough

and like i said in the tags on my other post, there are things i’d personally write differently if it were my story - plot points i’d shift, character contrasts i’d up, themes i’d explore differently, pacing i’d adjust, etc.  i have plenty of ways i could be nitpicky and editorial about the effectiveness of julian’s arc.  but i also don’t feel like writing them out at the moment & none of my critiques on effectiveness have an impact on the core appeal of his character 2 me.  he’s so fucking good

[blushing-starker]

starker + 9 🥺

Peter's doing it again. Trying to merge with Tony, fuse their bodies together even when the boy knows it isn't possible unless several bones are tossed away. But it's his boyfriend. Peter doesn't stop attempting something unless a freight train knocks him out. There are, unfortunately, no trains in the tower.

He's kidding.

(He's not, Tony's got a pointy elbow digging into a stomach a bit too fleshy for his liking, skinny knees knocking harshly against his own and fluffy hair up to his nose. He loves the kid, he does. But these cuddle sessions are leaving purple bruises every time Pete forgets his strength and squeezes Tony lovingly.

It's cute.

He's dying.)

The screen flashes, sunset orange assaulting them as the Manda(d)lorian blows up what looks like the alien monster Thanos stored his troops in. Peter, a painful blessing, wiggles even closer to provide comfort and chase away horrible memories he's too young to have. It's one of the only reasons Tony's thankful for the age difference; Peter was too busy enjoying his childhood with May and Ben to really focus on the demons that haunted the concrete jungle and, years later, the billionaire's nights.

A stray curl of brown hair goes into Tony's mouth, now Pete's in his lap and Jesus, he needs to exercise with Rhodey if the kid can so easily get him winded. It's ridiculous, Pete can't be much more than a hundred and twenty pounds when he's wet but his chest still heaves like the time he and honey bear had to sprint through the whole MIT campus so they wouldn't be late for a final test.

Maybe he's just tired from playing with Morguna yesterday? Yeah, that makes a lot more sense than his spiderling exhausting Tony so suddenly when just two days ago he pinned Peter to the wall and-

Sniffling. There's sniffling. His shirt is wet, tremors are wracking Peter's blanket covered body and what the hell happened, no enemy is near, nobody died and his boyfriend didn't mention anything bad getting him down at school. Oh god, is his lover hurt? No, no, Friday would have notified Tony. He thinks about all the dates May has drilled into his head and no traumatic anniversary is even close to today.

Pete hides his face against the arc reactor for all of two nanoseconds before Tony is tugging him up like a sorrowful puppy, tucking the boy's knees on either side of his hips so Tony can properly face the creature softly sobbing.

"Hey, hey, baby, what's wrong? Are you hurt anywhere? Do you wanna shut that off, head to our room and cuddle under your fave blankets? Maybe eat breakfast at midnight? Cuz you know I can wake Sam up and he'll cook that French Toast you like. With the, you're still crying. Oh, hey. I can steal Strange's cape. There's my puppy eyed boy. Tell me what's wrong and I'll snatch it in five minutes."

He'd feel bad about negotiating, but Peter has strictly informed Tony in the past that there's no other way to get him out of his head. A cause and effect type of dynamic helps Peter rationalize; if he explains the situation, Tony can help resolve it. It's a system that always makes things bearable, brings Peter back into reality much more quickly than anything else. Unless there are puppies. Then he can skip away from internal shadows in chase of cute dogs within five seconds.

"It's just," Tony inhales deeply, mentally prepares himself for nightmares, terrible flashbacks or another bully determined to make his baby sad, "don't laugh. I'm serious about this, ok?"

That lower lip wobbles and he's ready to go, body prepared to leap off the building and hunt down any threat that's causing half of his heart to sob like this. "I promise I won't laugh at you. I would never, ever laugh at something that causes you pain, Pete. I promise I'll help in any way I can. Tell me what's wrong."

A slow inhale now so Peter can copy him and explain without being in the verge of an attack. Two, five, ten beats of his heart dedicated to calming the kid. He still burst into tears.

"You're just such a good dad, Tony." Pete crumbles, cries into his neck and what the fuck just happened? How is this his life? Something chirps from the tv and Baby Yoda runs towards his father. The exact same way Morgan ran to Tony last night.

Even if Peter dumps him because of it, he's canceling the fucking show.

"Peter Benjamin Parker, are you drunk? Or high? I'm gonna put you to bed and you will sleep until those neurons wake up again because this is the weirdest thing you've ever done. Come on, no, don't use your super strength, that's cheating."

His sweet, adorable, exhausting boyfriend shakes his head, refuses to move and Tony relents, huffs into warm hair just to be petty. "You're so soft with her, Tony, just like Mando and the baby. And it's really cute, and pure, and wholesome, ok?"

"So you're crying about it at midnight?"

"I'm a sensitive person, Mr Tin Can.

"Jesus, Pep wasn't like this when pregnant," it's a low murmur but Pete still slaps his arm, sends Tony flailing onto the floor with the kid on his lap. Definitely gonna work out with Rhodey.

"You see? This is what you do to me, Peter. Give me a heart attack and bruises. I think we're gonna invade some professor's office to fix an unfair grade and you're crying because of a green puppet."

"Hey! He's more than that, he's adorable." More sniffling. He's getting this kid a therapist.

"FIne, an adorable green puppet. I'm gonna get you waffles and the cape and access to the show if you stop giving me injuries. Now help me up, I'm pretty sure my back can't take this."

Nothing. Not a twitch. Why does Tony always fall for the stubborn ones? "I'll let you braid my hair with Morgan tomorrow, so please assist an old man, oh God." Peter heaves him up, nearly throws Tony into a wall before controlling that superhuman strength and leaving his boyfriend upside down on his shoulder.

Well, at least he isn't crying anymore.

(They watch the next episode with Morgan. They both sob on his chest, mutter something about being a wonderful father and yeah, he's happy they think that, glad he's creating a better legacy than the one he inherited but Tony's 99% sure every Avenger is wiping away tears and there isn't enough Kleenex for all of them when they wail about "pure and wholesome" relationships.

He buys the team Baby Yoda plushies. Just to calm them down.)

(Peter finds one hidden away in the closet and grins because his boyfriend is as much of a dork as he is.)

[queenangst]

uraraka-centric fic recs

it’s time for my best girl! here’s a collection of 27 gen, uraraka-centric fic recs. a mix of mostly canon compliant fics and some aus; hurt/comfort, fluff, angst, and everything in between. 

for more fic recs, please check out my:  ‘fic rec’ tag | ‘bnha fic rec’ tag | ‘weekly fic roundup’ tag (bnha)

Starfire by Anonymous

gen; 2.6k; chapters 1/1 complete

Stars create gravity, and Uraraka wishes on herself.

It was impossible to make her own shooting stars, but that inspiration sounded like a touch of divinity. Only the imaginings of a god with their versatility of powers could be capable of involving outer space. Uraraka...dreamed of that.

Home for Christmas by sobakasuai

gen; 1.2k; chapters 1/1 complete

Ochako feels slightly pitiful about herself as she loads a few more cups of noodles into her shopping basket. Christmas Eve was a time spent with family— a time for gifts under the tree, multicolored lights in the windows, and sending cheesy postcards in the mail.

Yet here she is, stocking up on sustenance as she rushes to get back to the dormitories before it gets too dark to be comfortable with walking back alone. A violation of Christmas spirit in human form, feeling not unlike Ebenezer Scrooge.

Barology by MissAquarius

gen; 4.6k; chapters 1/1 complete

Barology: the study of gravity.

intersection by kiroiimye

gen; 1.2k; chapters 1/1 complete; uraraka & bakugou

“Getting coffee, obviously.” She doesn’t want to meet his eyes and it’s only happened once before; the first times had been intimidation from hardened crimson eyes. But as the years went on, she had grown past that stage; he was more a classmate than enemy. “Would you like to—

“Nope.” It’s flippant, over-the-shoulder, but Bakugou makes no move to leave and Ochako can’t help but smile wryly.

It’s the sort of thing he’d pull when they were younger.

Ochako runs into Bakugou after graduation.

momentous by kiroiimye

gen; 2/6k; chapters 1/1 complete

She’s in the middle of a math lesson, ignoring the whispers behind her back when the rumbling starts. It’s a dull roar in the beginning, and it’s when the pens start rattling on her desk that she stops the lecture. Even the students have gone quiet in their seats, the room stilled with tension.

“Uraraka-sensei, what was that?”

Ochako squares her shoulders, lowering her voice. “I don’t know, but stay alert.”

And then the water comes rushing in.

Becoming a teacher was not part of Ochako's post-U.A. plans, and yet here she is. Standing in front of a raucous class of about twenty teenagers, who all seem to have it out for her. Really, why is she here again?

The Hunger for Survival by SingingCookie

gen; 6.2k; chapters 1/1 complete

People say your early life shapes you, really molds you into the person you’ll become. Likes, dislikes, the habits, the tics, and the pet peeves… A majority of that when you grow up is influenced by where you came from.

Ochako’s early life shaped her into someone who knew how to survive—but it was always the living that fell just out of reach.

one hundred percent by UnidentifiedPie

gen; 2.2k; chapters 1/1 complete

White like bone, Uraraka thinks, mind flashing back to the people she saw on the street. Civilians lying all around, eyes blank and staring and dead. The defeated hero, body a mangled mess, spilled organs and shattered, bloodied bone.

She’d watched that hero die. The villain Uraraka had fought had gripped him by the neck and supercharged his blood, contorted his body into something twisted and terrible. She’d run for him, something screaming in her heart and lungs and nononono-

-but she wasn’t fast enough. And it didn’t matter anyway; the man had been dead before he’d hit the ground.

Patchwork by bishounen_curious

gen; 6.8k; chapters 1/1 complete; uraraka & 1a/1b girls

At the beginning of Third Year, Ochako suggests to the girls in the Hero Course that they make a patchwork quilt to commemorate their time together at U.A., their friendship and their solidarity as women in the hero profession. Something private and special that they all can share for years to come.

However, the quilt doesn't get finished. And it never does.

at long last by Quintessence

gen; 2.7k; chapter 1/1 complete; uraraka family

"Her parents were proud. The kind of proud that came from decades of unrelenting hard work matched in intensity only by their miserable luck. The kind of proud that made them refuse the money Ochako sent after her every paycheck. The kind of proud that was going to make a gift of the magnitude she planned to give go down as easily as a mouthful of chalky pills without water."

In which pro-hero Uravity finally achieves her lifelong dream of giving her parents an easy life.

got your six by Quintessence

gen; 1.6k; chapters 1/1 complete; uraraka & bakugou

“Oh, yeah, they rejected my application,” Uraraka says, like it’s nothing, which, Bakugou decides, fists clenched under the table, it most certainly isn’t. “They’re mostly a combat-based agency, and they thought I’d be better suited for a rescue oriented one. So I’m gonna keep looking. I mean, Kurashiki Agencies isn’t the only game in town, so I’m a little bummed, but it’s okay.”

And then she has the nerve to smile, making her full, pink cheeks even rounder, shrug, and take a sip of her drink. Bakugou has to breathe deeply before he replies, because he really is working on not lashing out as much anymore, but the anger burns and bubbles like boiling water in his stomach.

“That’s the biggest fucking load of bullshit I’ve ever heard, Round-Face.” His teeth are clenched as he speaks, but at least he’s not yelling. “I mean, have they even seen what you can do? Or did they just take one look at your Quirk and fucking write you off?”

In which Uraraka gets rejected from a hero agency, and Bakugou is her most aggressive (and I mean aggressive) supporter.

Like an Onion by BigDangoFamily

gen; 3.7k; chapters 1/1 complete; uraraka & aoyama, background/minor uraraka/midoriya

It was strange, Uraraka thought, how someone so sparkly and so over-the-top could fade into the background so easily. Even with his theatrical nature and his showy costume and his (quite literally) dazzling Quirk, Uraraka had somehow never noticed Aoyama that much.

He was a piece of the background; he helped make up the landscape of their class; he was a figure her eyes automatically skipped over in her search for her friends—which, when she put it like that, made it sound pretty harsh.

It wasn’t that she particularly disliked Aoyama. She would gladly enjoy time spent hanging out with anyone in Class 1-A (well, maybe not Mineta), and she was friendly to all her classmates. That was how she was. It was just that, somehow, her eyes had always seemed to glide right off of Aoyama.

Well, now her eyes definitely saw him, and quite clearly too.

OR: Uraraka unexpectedly comes to respect Aoyama.

Determination by chockfullofsecrets

gen; 1.1k; chapters 1/1 complete; uraraka & midoriya

If Uraraka wants to win this sparring match, she’s going to need to find a way to put a stop to Deku’s endless determination.

perfidy by khattikeri

gen; 500 words; chapters 1/1 complete; uraraka & midoriya

She pressed the knife harder against Midoriya's throat.

Just Keep Floating by ProPinkist

gen; 2.9k; chapters 1/1 complete; uraraka & all might

Ochako runs into Toshinori, hiding away alone in the dorms, who might could use a helping hand.

Luckily, in this case, she's just the right person for the job.

Uravity: (Kitten) Rescue Hero by TenyaTrash

gen; 1.4k; chapters 1/1 complete

Childhood Ochako is always looking for ways to excel as a rescue hero. She wants to help her parents, her friends, and the world.

And wouldn't you know it? She's got a knack for finding animals that are purrfectly in need of a rescue or two.

Every hero has to start somewhere!

Freefall by Cornflower_Blue

gen; 2k; chapters 1/1 complete

The first time it happens, it is an accident.

The first time it happens, Ochako is just walking around her neighborhood.

Cold Tea and Hot Tears by Wolfie_Dragon

gen; 2.6k; chapters 1/1 complete; minor uraraka/midoriya

When Ochako and the other work studies students are back at the dorms after the Shie Hasaikai raid, things are supposed to go back to normal. But Ochako finds she can't forget the horrible events. It's only in the dark of night that she finds that Deku is just as traumatized, if not more.

Scars by All_five_pieces_of_Exodia

gen; 2.4k; chapters 1/1 complete; uraraka & dekusquad

When Ochako is training one day and gets injured because of it, she starts to wonder about scars and what the people who have them think of them.

But does she even want to know?

Normalcy Has Its Place by Madam_Chauncey

gen; 3.2k; chapters 1/1 complete; uraraka & yaoyorozu

Sometimes a day of kickboxing with your gal pal is all you need. Or; Momo and Ochako decide to make the best of a bad week.

foundations by blueberrytree

gen; 2.5k; chapters 1/1 complete

Ochako drums her fingers anxiously on the surface of her desk. Why does she want to be a hero? It had seemed so clear before last night’s phone call—make money to support her parents and give them an easy life. Now, though? 

Gravitational Pull by Sky_King

gen; 2.9k; chapters 1/1 complete; uraraka & dekusquad

Despite having been friends for a while now, Izuku soon realizes there's a lot he doesn't know about Uraraka.

And on the other hand, Ochako discovers that opening up to her friends might not be as frightening as she suspects it to be.

Sleep is for the Weak by baggytshirtsandtiredeyes

gen; 2.9k; chapters 1/1 complete; uraraka & aizawa

Exhaustion was as familiar to Ochako as breathing. She was only fifteen but she felt more like she was edging on forty. But it was okay. She could just power through. She couldn’t stop now. Not when she was living her dream.

Catch Me When I Fall by baggytshirtsandtiredeyes

gen; 2.1k; chapters 1/1 complete; uraraka & asui

Ochako feels like she's falling behind her classmates so she starts training alone. One night Tsuyu finds her and offers to help. If only they could have known what was going to happen.

If the Dress Fits by calamansifresh

gen; 2.4k; chapters 1/1 complete

It’s the day of the Annual Hero Awards Gala and Uraraka Ochako is in attendance as the recipient of the Rising Star Award. While she’s certainly proud of her heroic accomplishments, impostor syndrome rears its ugly head and she wonders if she really belongs in the spotlight.

caution, handle with care by SpiritusRex

gen; 2.7k; chapters 1/1 complete

It was an accident. Ochako reminds herself, as she cups her hand to her mouth and tries to keep the hot, bright blood from dripping through her fingers. It was an accident.

But Ochako knew, had witnessed, just how severe an accident could be.

She pulls her hand away, and her palm comes back with a jagged chunk of a tooth cradled in the center. The sight blurs in front of her eyes; a dot of white in a small pool of red.

Ochako takes a page out of Deku's book, and makes an impulsive, painful decision.

All Might for a day by PurpleCarSeat

gen; 9.3k; chapters 1/1 complete; uraraka & all might

What had he been about to say?

Ochako expects it’s more of the same “push beyond your own limits!” stuff that he likes to spout, which always feels a little hollow coming from him because All Might doesn’t have limits. Despite what he claimed, she doesn’t think All Might has ever been weak. He’s the number one hero, perfect in every way. He can move faster than the eye can follow and jump so high he’s practically flying. He was probably trying to make her feel better – it seems like the sort of thing he’d do.

Or: Ochako learns the hard way that strength is more than just physical, and that the people at the top are only human too

Sacrifices and Jogging Routes by Quillium

gen; 5.8k; chapters 1/1 complete; uraraka & dekusquad

"We're heroes," she says instead, simply, quietly. It's hard to be excited about becoming a hero... every child's dream, what everyone idolizes... when you know the likely outcome. Most of her friends will die before her or she will be dead before they've even begun to sport wrinkles.

OR

Uraraka tries to figure out what it means to be a hero and the sacrifices that it entails.

[bailey-whalieee]

Till the End of the Line

Nothing could cure the problem she had inside her head, except maybe two super soldiers.

Request: stucky x reader where the reader is under the weather but tries to hide it from them w loads of mind numbing fluff :) @colourforanamee​

Pairing: Steve x Reader x Bucky

Words: 3562

Warnings: PTSD, drowning, torture, panic attacks, angst, & fluff.

✮

It’s been six weeks since the avengers lost one of their best teammates. It’s been six weeks of Steve and Bucky being on constant edge because they miss their girlfriend. It’s been six long weeks of them missing her laughter and jokes.

Y/n had been taken by hydra and S.H.I.E.L.D. had no information on it. So, of course, what did the avengers do? They all worked day and night to try and find out where the hell they had taken her.

Six weeks ago they had nothing and now they were twenty-five minutes away from the bunker where she was being held. Anxiousness filled them to the brim. None of them had any idea what they were going to walk into. It only furthered Bucky and Steve’s worry.

What did they do to their girl?

Was she going to be okay?

Would she still be herself?

“ETA about seven minutes now. We’re landing about five miles away from the facility,” Tony announced, “let’s get our little ray of sunshine back!”

Bucky peered up to Steve, a worried glint covering his eyes. Steve grabbed his hand in reassurance before saying, “it’ll be okay, Buck. Let’s go get our girl back.”

✮

She screamed until her throat became raw.

Y/n’s throat bled for weeks after that. The first week was absolute hell and no matter how hard she tried to withhold the screams they always escaped.

Now, nothing even came out if she opened her mouth to shout or scream. They really enjoyed hearing her beg and plead. It was sickening how much blood she watched drip onto the floor.

They broke her. Scarred her.

Y/n didn’t even want to look at Volkov. He was the master-mind behind the whole project. He captured her, tortured her, watched her scream, writhe, beg, plead.. And not once did he even flinch.

He wore this noxious smirk that made her cringe every time she glanced towards him. Volkov was an evil man.

At first, Y/n put up her front and refused to be scared of the man for the sake of her team. Then it took an absolute turn for the worst. The methods of torture he practiced on her were from hell itself.

But, Volkov’s favorite was the water chamber. It consisted of drowning and suffocation. The iciness of the water would force her breaths to be short and slowly the tank would fill up until full and then the real fun would begin. Y/n’s first time in the chamber traumatized her.

She punched at the glass and struggled in the restraints. Y/n learned to fear water after the recurrence of the chamber.

Her arms were strung together by a rusty chain. She hung loosely in the air of the hydra building. Y/n was used to the constant aching her body forced her through. It became the norm for random parts of her body to shake and shudder from the pain.

After the second week, Y/n’s hope began to dim and fear overthrew her mind. She was just a scared little girl who wanted nothing more than to go home.

“Hmm.. My little pet, they seem to be trying to steal you back from me. We can’t have that can we?” Volkov growled, throwing out commands left and right at the hydra soldiers.

Y/n’s head cocked to the side and a smirk found its way on her war battered face. “They will always come after me. You’ll lose. Dogs like you always lose,” she croaked out, letting out a broken laugh.

An angry snarl drew from the hydra officer’s mouth and he began to shout, “kill them! Fucking murder them all! I want to see his brains splattered on the ground! Do it!”

The soldiers were dropping like flies. The avengers were out for blood and it was blood they were going to get. They wanted her back and no matter what it took, she was leaving that hydra facility, even if it meant murdering every single son-of-a-bitch in the building.

Volkov’s realization tumbled down on him, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth.

“You know.. Y/n.. My little pet, you do know what this means, right?” he cocked his eyebrow making eye contact with the frail woman, “I always get what I want and Y/n, I want them to see life leave your eyes as those worthless avengers struggle to save you. If I can’t have you, no one can, little pet. I mean that.”

Her face fell. The sudden awareness hit her square in the face.

“No, no, no, no..” feebly flew from her mouth as a chamber was lowered below her feet.

His cackle suddenly filled the room, “and you know what’s going to be the best part? They are going to watch you suffer and drown, while I escape forever haunting you.” Her feet sank into the cold glass encased prison.

“Please don’t do this. You don’t have to do this,” she pleaded, her hand banging against the glass, “don’t do this- You’re better than this! Please- I’m begging you, don’t do this!”

The intensely chilled water slowly added up in the bottom of the chamber. She cringed and harsh breaths escaped her lips.

He rolled his eyes, “no I’m not. I’ll never be better than this. I quite like being like this. Goodbye, my little pet. Lock the perimeter, and get me the hell out of here.”

A nauseating feeling settled deeply in her stomach. What if, this time is the last time?

The water was now knee height and panic set in. Volkov had fled. The team was probably right outside the barricaded perimeter. And Y/n was going to die, alone.

“NO! Dammit! Not like this! No! NO!” she pounded on the glass, screaming once more. Tears flew down her flushed cheeks. The water only continued to fill the encasement and further her screaming. “Please, no..”

The door flew off the hinges and the avengers filed in. One by one, they each came running in. Relief flooded Y/n’s being until she saw the horrified expression on each of their faces. The water was barely past her chin and the exhaustion of trying to stay above the water began to set in.

Her small fists striked the chamber, trying to break the glass. “Y/n! Honey, I need you to stay calm! We are going to get you out of here, okay sunshine?” Tony gave her a small smile.

Tears welled up in the woman’s eyes. She tilted her head towards the tops of the chamber trying to gulp down the last bits of oxygen she had before the water completely filled the tank.

“Please, help me. I can’t do this aga-” and the water finally filled the tank to the brim. Fear overran logic at this point.

Everything blurred and she could hear their panicked voices and see their crazed movements. She tried to remain calm for their sake, but all she could feel was ice cold the water was. She let out a scream through the water and thrashed against the restraints.

Y/n wanted out.

She wanted to breathe.

Then a familiar metal fist came crashing through the chamber and the water flooded out. Gasps forced themselves out of her mouth as oxygen finally refilled the tank. She fell limply into Bucky’s arms, as he pulled her from the overflowing chamber.

“You’re okay, dollface. You’re okay, baby. You’re safe now,” he shushed, patting the small of her back.

She heaved the water that forced itself down her throat. The group let out a breath they didn’t even know they were all holding in.

Steve and Bucky crouched down comforting the gasping woman. A strangled cry escaped her as she leaned into their embrace. They didn’t even care that she was soaking wet, Steve and Buck just wanted to hold her.

They took in her appearance. Her clothing had been ripped in different places and there had been a sudden change in her weight. She was small and her skin clinged to her bones like she was a skeleton. Her eyes were dull and no longer holding life. She looked half dead..

“Oh thank the gods,” Steve muttered holding onto the shivering girl, “I’m so glad you’re okay.”

Y/n basked in his hold. She wasn’t okay, but right now, Y/n felt like she had nothing to fear.

“Where’s the son-of-a-bitch?” Tony growled, looking around the emptied facility.

“H-he escaped,” she rasped out, everyone wincing at how painful her voice sounded.

Steve shook his head, “he will pay for what he did, honey. Right now, we need to get you back to the quinjet before you get hypothermia.”

Bucky shrugged off his M-65 field jacket and placed it on Y/n’s shoulders. The jacket practically swallowed her. She opened her mouth to protest, but he immediately cut her off, “shush. We got you back, I’m not losing you to hypothermia, Y/n.”

Y/n was squished against Steve’s chest with Bucky following closely beside him. She just wanted to go home.

✮

When they arrived back to the jet, Steve and Bucky wanted an immediate evaluation from JARVIS. Y/n was given new clothes and a warm blanket from Natasha, who gave her a soft smile.

“Well, Ms. Y/L/N is suffering from malnutrition and a condition called hypoxia, which can be dangerous if not treated. She needs oxygen as soon as possible, her oxygen is too low for her body,” the AI system paused, “unfortunately, Ms. Y/L/N is also suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.”

She refused to look at anyone in the room after the diagnosis. Y/n kept her eyes trained on her hands. The silence was deafening to her, she had driven herself mad in the dungeon where Volkov kept her.

“What’s the fastest you can get up back to the tower?” Steve asked, his forehead creasing with worry.

“Forty-seven minutes, Captain.”

PTSD. A monster that both Steve and Bucky knew very well. “Dammit,” Bucky muttered to himself, settling next to Y/n.

Y/n’s eyes were getting increasingly heavier and the waves of tiredness came stronger each time. She didn’t want to fall into sleep though. Steve was taking note of the action seeing as she would refuse to shut her eyes and fall asleep.

He took a seat next to Y/n laying a soft hand on her back. She flinched at the touch, but calmed when she realized it was just Steve.

“You can fall into sleep, sweetheart. We’ll always be right here to catch you,” he reminded her, running his hand up and down her spine.

She nodded, “just scared.”

“I know baby, but we’ll be right here. Don’t you worry about a thing because we gotcha’,” Bucky smiled, kissing her forehead, “now lay down on Stevie’s lap and rest.”

Her face held hesitance and she looked towards the captain for affirmation. He rolled his eyes and opened his arms wide, “come’ere.”

Y/n’s head fell softly into his lap and Bucky situated the blanket around her, making sure she was comfortable. Steve’s hand weaved itself in her hair, running through the mess trying to calm the apprehensive women in his lap. Bucky was tracing patterns on her exposed calf that had been battered and bruised.

The team counted their lucky stars. Y/n was safe and back with the men who loved her most. This is where she belonged. This was her family.

Soft snores erupted from the girl who was snuggled in the captain and sergeant’s lap.

“We got our sunshine back and they got their whole world back,” Natasha whispered to Tony, admiring the sleeping trio.

A soft grin fell upon the billionaires lips, “you bet your ass we did and I’d do it all over again for our sunshine. Always.”

✮

It had been months of mental and physical rehabilitation. Months of sudden panic attacks because of random loud noises and flashbacks. But, Y/n put every effort forth to get better and to become her old self.

Some days were harder than others, but she learned to live with the difficulty. The triggers were becoming easier for the team to recognize and help prevent. Y/n’s life had just started to become normal, she was able to join missions and kick ass once again.

Steve and Bucky had never been so proud of their girl. Even through the hell she suffered, Y/n continued to persevere and put effort forth to get better.

Y/n first solo mission had gone great until a familiar ugly face popped back up. The mission itself was simple, get the vile, and get the hell out. Simple. Easy.

That was until Y/n found Volkov’s little hiding place and she saw him. She finished the mission, but the woman was on edge. Her core had been shook and when Y/n entered the jet, she lost it.

The memories, the cold, the chamber, it all came flooding back and all the repair she did to withhold the torture, burst. Like an ugly hurricane it came back and it flooded her mind.

She kept herself in check once she left the jet and finally arrived  home where the team awaited eagerly.

“Sunshine!”

“You’re back! How was it?”

“Did ya miss the thrill?”

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

Steve could read her like a book and Bucky could too. They read her every emotion as soon as she stepped off the jet and onto the hangar. The anxiousness radiated off of her and it fogged her mind.

“I’m fine. It went fine. Here’s the vile,” she muttered, tossing Bruce the vile, “I need to take a shower.”

She pushed through the group of eager super humans and headed towards the bedroom she shared with Steve and Bucky. Her body was on fire and the stealth suit kept sucking the oxygen out of her.

Y/n eventually peeled the suit off and headed towards the shower. Steve and Bucky had reached their bedroom and could hear the water running. It calmed them slightly.

“Maybe she just had a rough mission back?” Buck muttered, running a hand down Steve’s spine.

Steve sighed, shaking his head, “I hope so..”

Y/n stared at the water. It taunted her. She had yet to actually step into the shower, but she continued to have an internal battle with it. “C’mon Y/n, don’t be a sissy. It’s just water. It’s just water.”

Finally gaining the courage, Y/n felt the water’s temperature and shockingly it was warm. Her hands gripped onto the railing and steaming hot water washed over her aching body. The first month of rehabilitation, Steve and Bucky would coax her into the water keeping her at bay because of the PTSD and anxiety.

It was sweet and both of them had no complaints, only love and compassion for her.

The water trickled down her face and body, numbing the memories forever stamped into her brain. Y/n wished she could forget. She wanted to forget all the screaming and begging, but she would never forget.

Steve and Bucky sat on their bed, hand in hand, soft smiles on their faces. Bucky pressed a soft kiss to Steve’s gruff cheek.

“Told ya it was just a tough first mission back,” Buck smirked, ruffling the Captain’s hair to which he rolled his eyes.

“For once, I’m actually glad you were right,” Steve grinned, a light pink hue appearing on his cheeks from the affection. Bucky snickered, laying his head on his shoulder enjoying the warmth the blonde was giving off.

Y/n got so lost in her thoughts that the water had grown cold. A ripple of goosebumps erupted spreading all over her body. Air caught itself in the back of her throat as the water grew colder and further reminded her of the lonely hell she once lived in.

And suddenly, Y/n lost the ability to even hold herself up. She crashed down onto the tub-floor in a heap of sobs and gasps. Her mind was thrown into the chamber and she was no longer with Steve or Bucky. Water poured over her shaking body.

“STOP IT! NO! STOP!” she shouted, her fists bangining against her skull.

The shouts could be heard from outside the door, clearly. It made Steve and Bucky immediately run and practically break down the bathroom door. They found her clutching her knees to her chest, tears running rampant down her cheeks, and begging to be spared from whatever the hell was going through her mind.

Bucky grabbed her drenched body out of the shower and wrapped her in a towel, hoping to calm her. She thrashed in the towel and his arms.

“No, no, no, no.. No more! I don’t want it! I don’t want it! Stop!” she pleaded, sobbing.

“Y/n, baby! Hey-hey-hey! Stop, you’re going to hurt yourself! What’s going on, doll?” Steve grabbed her wrists to prevent her from hitting her head.

Her breaths came out ragged and harsh. Bucky pulled back the sopping wet hair that stuck to her face so they could look at her properly.

“Sweetheart, you gotta calm down. I know you’re scared, but honey, Stevie and I need you to breathe,” Bucky shushed, holding her close to him.

She trembled and tried to focus, but failed.

“I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t,” she repeated, gasping on the oxygen. Her face began to pale and tears welled up in her eyes. “I saw him- He was there. I just- What if he saw me??” she sputtered, fear coursing through her veins, “oh my god! He saw me- I don’t wanna go back, please- Bucky, Stevie don’t send me back!”

“Doll, Stevie and I aren’t going to let anyone take you away from us ever again. You know that? Darling, I can promise that you are safe here. I need you to focus, Y/n. Focus on breathing,” Bucky coaxed, cupping her cheeks in his hands.

Her shaky hands found themselves on Bucky and Steve’s chest, focusing on their breathing. She calmed the war in her mind and finally began to breathe normally again. Tears continued to leak down her cheeks, but Y/n gained control of her breathing.

“It was the water.. The water was super cold and then I saw him today and it all came rushing back,” she whispered looking at the two men.

Steve engulfed her in a warm hug not caring about how damp she still was before peppering her head with kisses. “You are so strong and both of us are so proud of you. You are the strongest woman we know and despite it all, you remained the sunshine in the darkness. Doll, we love you and your progress is getting much better!” he praised, kissing her once more, “and listen to me, no matter what we are always going to find you and we will always love you, even if it means going to hell and back to find you.”

A broken smile appeared on her lips and her eyes got continually watery. “You really mean that?”

Bucky chuckled, wrapping his arms around her waist, “of course we do, doll. You’re absolutely extraordinary and beautiful and strong and gorgeous. No one deserves to go through what you went through, but you did not once give up. You have no idea how proud of you we are.”

Y/n leaped into both of the men’s lap wrapping her arms around them. They immediately savored the closeness and love.

“C’mon sunshine, let’s get you in a shirt and then we can cuddle and watch that movie with the little yellow bear in it!” Steve smiled before securing the towel and throwing the women over his shoulder, making sure to carefully do it.

“You mean, Winnie the Pooh?” she scrunched her nose at the captain.

A load of giggle fell from her lips as Bucky made a series of funny faces towards her. Y/n began to forget about the horrors and focus on the two wonders before her. Steve and Bucky. The two men who would sacrifice anything to make her happy.

“Lift up your arms, dollface,” Bucky instructed softly. He tugged the red henley over her head, where it flowed down to about mid-thigh. “Look at how adorable she is, Stevie? What an adorable little doll,” he gushed, his fingers running along her jawline.

“Oh I know, Buck. She is just stunning,” Steve admired.

Bucky hoisted her in between the two of them. Y/n was squished against the two soldiers, but she didn’t mind it one bit. They were both radiators and put off so much heat, she thoroughly enjoyed the heat.

“Stevie, Buck,” she whispered, grasping each of their hands.

Steve paused his search for the movie and gave her his full attention, Bucky doing the same.

“I love you guys. Till the end of the line.”

[mvnvgedmischief]

unremarkable days.

summary: sirius black is trying to be a good man, a good brother, a good person. Sirius has a steady job designing book covers for a publishing house, a flat he never leaves, and a traumatized brother who was just removed from the custody of his parents. All in all, it's wildly unremarkable.

chapter:  5/?

characters: sirius black, regulus black, wolfstar, background marauders

tags: tw: canon compliant abuse, child abuse, social services, abuse, eating disorders

read it on ao3 here

read the last chapter here

words: 4.2k

Sirius felt his mind whirring, as usual. God, it was so hard for him to be normal, to cope with the stress and the frustration and the exhaustion. He didn’t know how he was meant to. He remembered just a month ago, when Alice told him he should take a parental leave. Six weeks off he could have had if he wanted them. But he wanted to keep his trajectory undisputed. It was a mistake, in hindsight. He didn’t know then just how difficult his parents would make things. He didn’t know then what he knew now. He would have said “fuck it” to his trajectory if he would’ve been able to sleep. After all, it was the only thing he really wanted. It was the only thing, other than Regulus’s safety. 

He knew that he couldn’t do anything about this Remus situation. It was too dangerous. If he did something, he didn’t want it coming out in court. If he didn’t, Remus would probably never approve a design again. At least, not from him. So he chose to do what anyone would in his position. He called Marlene and looped in Alice. The calendar invite specified the meeting would begin in twenty minutes. He had titled it “Team Touchbase: The Girls are Talking Shit Again” in hopes to lighten the mood. However, there was no way that it would work. Not with the conversation he was about to have. 

He found himself breathing deeply. Trying to muster the courage to do this. They would be upset. He was sure of it. Especially when it was something this earnest, this niche and close to his chest. But Sirius didn’t have any other choice. Not as far as he could tell. So instead, he made plans for all of the inevitable ways they would try to convince him not to do this. But his mind was already made up. There was no going back now. Not when he was already this committed to the decision. 

“I need to be dropped from this project.” He doesn’t even bother with pleasantries. “Alice, please take me off of this project.”

The scoff caught him off guard. In all the time he had spent working closely with Marlene, she had never scoffed at him. Then again, he’d never asked to be taken off either. “You’re gonna let one bad meeting get to you? It’s not that big of a deal, Sirius.” Marlene was looking at him expectantly. As though she expected him to realize that he was wrong and laugh about it. 

“They’ll all be bad. I need to be dropped from the project.” He stated it like a fact. Maybe because to him, it was one. He just kept repeating it because if he said it enough times maybe they would just believe him and drop him from this book, and this chaos.

“What happened in your meeting earlier? I feel like I’m playing catch up.” It really wasn’t fair to Alice that she didn’t know. But Sirius didn't feel like explaining. 

“Sirius wants to get dropped from the poetry book.”

“But—“ Alice paused. She looked like she was sussing something out. “But aren't those your favorite pet projects?” 

“Yeah, but—” 

“So what’s the problem? “ Marlene cut him off again, and Sirius was beginning to lose his will to do this. He knew he couldn’t just not show up to meetings, but it would show them he needed to be taken off this project. 

“Alice, I have so many projects right now where the author doesn’t hate me. I don’t really have the time to be on a project where he does.” He wasn’t even acknowledging Marlene right now, because she clearly didn’t understand. why he wanted to be taken off. And that was okay, he didn’t mind, as long as he could get off this project. 

Marlene and Alice were good people. They weren’t going to make him do this when he reminded them of how much he was doing, how much weight he was actually pulling. He was sure of it. 

“Bullshit. He doesn’t hate you.”

Well that wasn’t what he anticipated. 

Marlene wasn’t having this. She began to extrapolate on her point, and Sirius was only half listening. “He thinks you’re cool and intimidating, Sirius. He was trying not to feel small. It might not be your style to take that on, but he doesn’t hate you and you know it.” Marlene seemed really keen on keeping him on this project. Sirius wondered why for a moment, but he couldn’t be sure. He didn't know how hard she worked to put him on this account in the first place. 

“Marlene, I don’t know how else to tell you this, but,” he could feel his tone rising. He was starting to get upset. “I don’t have the luxury of time right now to redo the last week of work by myself. Especially when he wants it by today. I don’t have the fucking time. All because he doesn’t like me. I don’t have the time. Take me off the fucking project.” 

“I’m sorry what? What even happened in this meeting?” Sirius wished she had just been there. He wished she watched it happen, because the idea of going through all of the gory details all over again made his skin crawl. 

“Her,” It was probably unfair to place that much emphasis on the word, as though it was Marlene’s fault, “client told me to start over, and when I asked him for any feedback, he essentially told me that if I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with it that I should be out of a job.” 

“You’re being dramatic, Sirius! He didn’t say that! He just said that–” She paused, and Sirius assumed it was because that was exactly what Remus had said. “that you were the artist, not him.”

“Marlene, we don’t let our junior designers take project lead most of the time. I know you really wanted him on this project, but one of the reasons that junior designers don’t lead projects is because a team of two designers on one project is less likely to get bullied. Start cc’ing me on all your emails, I’ll be overseeing this project. “ Alice was speaking with conviction and grace, something Sirius knew he lacked.  He knew that lacking in that made him hard to root for, but he didn’t care. 

“Can I clear out my schedule from these meetings? I really don’t want to even look at them anymore.” He wished he didn’t sound like a kicked puppy right now.

“No.” Alice affirmed, “You are not about to let a client bully you out of your job. Besides, I’m overseeing this project, and this relationship. If you’re not there, there is no relationship.” She really had an air about her that made her hard to question. Sirius wished he had that. 

With that, the conversation was over. Neither Marlene nor Sirius look satisfied, but Alice has provided her mentee as good of a solution as he was probably going to get right now. And effectively Marlene got what she wanted. Sirius was still on the project. 

“Both of you, take the day to cool off. I’ll be getting in touch with the client later today to make sure that our client relationship terms are actually being upheld. Something tells me he didn’t read them.” 

Sirius nodded numbly. He felt emotionally tapped out. There was no way that this was going to work. How was he supposed to juggle all of this, on top of his already stressful life. So instead, he logged off, like Alice suggested. He was not going to be logging back on any time soon. He could practically guarantee that. 

Sirius found his way to the couch, with its ever inviting comfort. All of the coziness of falling asleep, none of the bedroom associated trauma. That was definitely a bonus. Falling asleep on the couch always seemed far safer than falling asleep in his bed. There was less likelihood of nightmares, less anxiety, less flashbacks. It was a wonder Sirius ever made it to bed. Today, he didn’t. He sat on the sectional, curling himself into a small ball in the corner, and turned on something low intensity. He put on a documentary series about penguins, which felt like it would be soothing, and before he knew it, he was asleep. 

He was lucky when he logged out of his email, it auto populated his Out of Office message. Or at least, usually he thought that. Today he would have rather died, then have that functionality turned on. Because he was sure it was what prompted Remus to wake him from his peaceful nap with a call. 

Well, peaceful was a strong word. It definitely had its own fair share of thrashing, but Sirius would take thrashing and nightmares he couldn’t remember over this phone call. He dreads it until he slides the accept call button.

“Sirius Black.” He begins, because what is there to say. His voice sounded thick with exhaustion. He could hear it.

“We need to get that meeting on the calendar.” Didn’t Remus know he could just send a calendar invite? This remote thing wasn’t nearly as complicated as he made it out to be. 

“I’m out of office Remus.” His tone was dripping with contempt. He didn’t want this. He wanted to sleep. 

“You’re always out of office. You never answer when i call you, it’s fucking nutty how hard I have to work to get you on the phone.” 

“It wouldn’t be if you could just check the google calendar or get your nose out of my business.” Sirius didn’t know he was feeling this spicy today. But apparently, he was enjoying controlled confrontation.  

“i don’t think that’s—“ 

“Stop asking people why I’m not in office. It’s none of your business.” He wasn't pulling any punches right now. He was going to get this man off of his back. “It’s fucking weird. I don’t know you.”

“I was just–“ Remus wasn’t going to get a word in edgewise. Sirius wasn’t going to let him. 

“And for that matter, it shouldn’t matter whether or not I’m remote. It seems to bother you so much, but you were the one who tried to put me on the project. You were the one who asked Marlene about it. I’ve been remote since before you got picked up, it’s not news to anyone else on the team. It’s weird that you’re so concerned with me.”

“You were the one who—“

“That was a big fucking mistake.” Sirius spit in response. Sure, he wanted to see Remus again when he had asked him on that date. But putting it all in perspective, he couldn’t do that. And he didn’t like that Remus was pressing everyone for the details of his personal life. He would rather cut this off here, not risk the court date and the details being aired out. Especially not since they could be used to take Regulus from him. He couldn’t risk it. 

“What was the point of it then? Why’d you ask me and then pull this?” Remus’s voice sounded small. Like he was going to cry. 

“I liked you until you started prying into my life. I don’t need more people running around trying to dig up information on me.” Sirius shouldn’t have said that. He felt it in his chest, but he couldn’t take it back now. He practically wants to scream, you could have just waited, I would have explained. But he could not do that, because it definitely wasn’t true. 

“Oh.” That’s all Remus said, before he clicked the phone off and hung up. 

Sirius didn’t have the time to think about that. He just didn’t. While six months ago he would have spiralled out of control thinking about what that short “oh” meant, but he couldn’t spend that time right now. Shit. What time even was it? He checked the time when his eyes began to focus again, and took a moment to try to collect himself. It was half past five, and he had no time because Regulus would be home from football in twenty minutes and Sirius needed to have dinner on the table. So he jumped off of the couch, and tore from the living room area into the kitchen. What was he even going to make? How would he even pull this together? 

He was moving at a speed he wasn’t sure he even possessed these days. He was running through what he could make mentally, trying not to come up with anything that would wear on him too heavily or signal a lack of effort to Regulus. It was a fine line that he walked every night. When food was too terrifyingly bland, too ashen in his mouth, and too overwhelming to his mind, how did he settle on something comforting for his brother? And on top of that, he needed to be quick.  He was running out of time.  He grabbed a jar of pasta sauce that he had made earlier in the week, and a box of spaghetti, and hoped that this would be enough. It wasn’t good enough to stand up to the chefs in the Black family home, but then again, he didn’t think Regulus wanted that anyways. 

When Regulus finally walked through the door, Sirius was almost done cooking. He had meatballs in a pan, the pasta was strained, and the sauce was warm. Maybe this would be enough. Maybe he would have done enough for them to just enjoy dinner, and have a normal night. 

“Hey, Siri.” Regulus looked calm for the first time in a long time. Hopefully tonight would be a good night. Hopefully they could have a normal meal, laugh and smile and have a good time. It would be nice. 

“Hey, Reg.” Sirius replies, putting together a bowl for his younger brother. He wanted so badly to just let things be normal. He puts one together for himself as well, and brings them over to the table.  If he needed to do it, he would. He didn’t want to be anything other than a positive force in Regulus’s life. He didn’t want to cause problems for him. “How was school?” 

Regulus looks up, god, when did his eyes start looking so sad. Where did the light he used to have in his eyes go? Had Sirius really missed so much  of his life? “School was fine. Kind of long. They sent me  to the  social worker today. Grilled me on what it was like living with you.”

Sirius felt his eyes go wide. Sure, it wasn’t surprising that they did, but still, it terrified him. 

“I told them everything was awful, obviously.” Regulus chuckled, and for a moment, Sirius’s heart dropped. However, in a moment, he was laughing right along with Regulus. Of course it was a joke. He hadn’t told them that, because he didn’t want to go back. Sirius was terrified of anyone taking Regulus, but Regulus seemed to be terrified of being taken away. At least today, he seemed to be. “I told them it’d be easier to get acclimated if someone stopped mum and dad from taking us to court all  the time.” That statement was smaller, more fearful. It was as if Regulus was afraid he had done something wrong. 

“Mate, I–” Sirius began, but Regulus stopped him, “Siri you can’t stop them. You don’t need to apologize to me.” 

That sentence could have made him crumble. It probably would have, if they weren’t interrupted by a knock at the door.  Sirius felt himself jump, and he watched Regulus do the same. God, Sirius wished they weren’t so fucking damaged. He wished that any noises that they didn’t know was coming didn’t startle them.  He wished they hadn’t been conditioned to be afraid for so many years. But then the key is clicking into the lock, and  Sirius is jumping up. He  doesn’t want this right now. He can’t do this right now. He knows it’s Jamie as soon as the sound of the tumblers click into place.  So he walked over  to the door with speed and a mission. He would keep them out of his home if he could help  it,  because he couldn’t do this tonight. They needed a calm night at home, a night of peace and family time, and Regulus was shifting uncomfortably  in the chair. 

“Jamie, you can’t  be here.”  Sirius began, before he even opened the door. 

“Mate, you didn’t come to the family dinner. We wanted to see you, so we came  to you,” James laughed and when Sirius looked around, it was the team. Including Remus. 

“No,” Sirius puts his foot behind the door,  holding it closed with only  his head poking out. 

“But Sirius it’s been forever since anyone’s seen you,” Peter called from behind him.  

“No, lads. Go home. It’s a school night.”  Sirius wasn’t budging. In fact, he was pleading.

“You don’t have a kid.” Remus called, clearly looking bitter. Sirius wanted to scream that he didn’t know what he’s talking about, because he didn’t.

“Go home, guys. You can’t come in. It’s a school night.” He repeated. They couldn’t. He didn’t want Reg to be so uncomfortable, which he clearly was. 

“Fine.” James looked irritated. Sirius understood why. He understood that he had forgotten the plans James made, but at the same time, he couldn’t juggle this right now. He didn’t have the time for all of this. He knew he had been MIA from his friend’s lives, but this wasn’t forever. It was just until he was done with all of these hearings. Just until his parents would stop. Just until Regulus felt more comfortable. Just until the chaos ended. 

Sirius returned from the door, and sat down at the table again. He didn’t really care to talk about it, but his brother looked so guilty that he felt like he had to. 

“They could’ve come in. I would’ve eaten in my room.” His eyes welled with tears, and he looked so deeply uncomfortable. 

“Reg, this is your house. Not theirs.”  Sirius responded with as much authority  as he could muster, but he definitely didn’t want to scare him. He didn’t want to seem like his parents, he didn’t want to behave the way that they did ever. It was a fine line to walk, and he knew it would get harder when he needed to put his foot down, be a disciplinarian in any way. But for right now, that wasn’t a concern of his. Right now he was much more focused on making this a welcoming environment. It needed to be comfortable for him before they could handle anything else.  

“It’s your house, you can have people over if you want.” Regulus’s voice sounded thick with concern, laced with guilt. Sirius was terrified that he was royally screwing this whole thing up. He wanted to be a good brother, a good guardian, a support system. “I don’t wanna cause problems.” There it was, the sentence before the crumble.  Sirius could see it coming, because it was like looking into the past. Regulus reminded him of himself so much that it hurt sometimes. 

“Reg, mate,”  he started, and then he stood up (and pretended that he wasn’t seeing stars). “You aren’t causing problems,” in just a moment, he was beside his younger brother and his arm was wrapped around the teen’s shoulders. “I’m so glad you’re here. All I’ve ever wanted is to get you out of there. I just couldn’t before. The council wouldn’t let me.” 

“But– but–” Reg was stuttering and spiralling, “If I wasn’t here they wouldn’t be taking us to court all the time, there wouldn’t be private investigators, you wouldn’t have to worry.” His words felt like burns on Sirus’s skin. It felt like a vice gripped his heart, and all he wanted to do was support his brother.  All he wanted was for everything to finally be okay. 

“Reg, look at me.” Sirius’s calloused hand gently pulled his brother’s shoulder to face him. “I want you here. I have wanted you here since I left. I missed having my kid brother around, alright?” 

“Oh,” Reg responded, but he had already become despondent and detached. He wasn’t coming back from the stress and the emotional turmoil tonight. Sirius understood. He had been like that when he first left. Hell, he was still like that. He didn’t have the energy to do for himself what he had done for Regulus, by getting him the best treatment he could, and making sure to keep him together. He was trying to do for Regulus what Euphemia and Monty had done for him. He knew that he wasn’t measuring up to them, but he was trying. He knew that he had taken for granted what they had done, he was re-engaging in behaviors that weren’t healthy for him. Things they had worked so hard to pull him out of. But he was trying, and he didn’t have the time to take care of all of those old behaviors that had flared up. He didn’t have the energy to work on himself, when he had all of this going on. 

Shortly thereafter, Regulus decided to go to bed. Sirius understood, it had been a lot of effort to go to school, and footie, and deal with the stress of Sirius’s friends showing up out of nowhere. And Sirius was thankful in a way, because he was about to rip into James for doing this again. He should know better. Within minutes, he was ringing James and seething. He can barely wait until the phone is done ringing to start going in on him.

“Jamie, you can’t fucking do that to me.” He began, “You can’t just bring people to my fucking house, especially not people who don’t know what is going on. I can’t have people over– they have a fucking PI looking into me, documenting everyone who’s here, when they’re here. I can’t have a bunch of people over on a fucking school night! They’re going to try to take him from me over the smallest fucking thing, let alone having several twenty somethings over in the middle of the week out of nowhere!” He was not even taking a moment to breathe, “How could you fucking do that to me? Why do you want to help them?  I can’t even fucking leave my house without being fucking interrogated about it every two weeks in court! You can’t bring people here!” He reached up to push his curly black hair out of his eyes, and he realized that he was crying. He was really caught off guard by it. 

James waited a moment, before responding. James was always much better about keeping his cool than Sirius had ever been, and if he was honest, Sirius appreciated it. He appreciated that James kept it together when he couldn’t. “Sirius, I didn’t know. I don’t want you to get him taken from you. I’m sorry.”

“Jamie they can’t do it– they can’t take him– I can’t let them–” Now it was Sirius’s turn to spiral. The anger had subsided, and all that was left was his fear. He was terrified that he was going to lose his brother again, and he couldn’t handle that. 

“Siri– a judge would have to be mad to take him from you.” While that might have been true, it didn’t quell Sirius’s fears. 

“They have so much money, Jamie. They have so much power. They can do whatever they want and get away with it. It doesn’t matter if it’s legal.” Sirius wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear. He was so terrified, and there was nothing that anyone could do to make this less terrifying. It was almost terrifying just how much power the Black family actually held. Sirius wasn’t sure that he could do enough to stand up to them. 

“I’m worried about you, Pads.” James let out a sigh, it seemed like this was a conversation he was dreading having. “You’re alone all the time. You never go anywhere. You’ve been lashing out at people— Pads, I can’t remember the last time it was this bad.” He sounded almost as terrified as Sirius felt. 

“I see them more now than I have in years, Prongs. I can’t handle this.” His voice is breaking. He was trying so hard not to lose it, but it hadn’t worked and it probably wouldn’t anytime soon. 

“You haven’t been seeing your counselor.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement. 

“You don’t know that.” He was right, Sirius hadn’t been seeing his counselor. 

“Yeah I do. You’re online when you usually see her. Is it about the money? Me and Lil can help you out with money.” Sirius hadn’t expected to be called out like that. He didn’t have the energy to handle this conversation right now. 

“I can’t do this right now.” Sirius responded, “I’ve gotta go.” He didn’t really, he just wanted to be alone. He just wanted to not talk about it anymore, pretend everything was fine, dissociate for hours. That was what he wanted. It was completely unremarkable. 

[samingtonwilson]

Apartment 8C - Chapter 4

The First, First Date

SERIES MASTERLIST // PREVIOUS PART

Summary: college au. you and bucky are the closest of friends, the most functional of roommates, and… exes. but just because it didn’t work out romantically doesn’t mean he has to move out! it’s not like he’s so deeply in love that he can barely breathe. totally not in love. at all. not even a little. maybe.

Pairing: bucky x reader

Warnings: LANGUAGE, the use of marijuana/pot/weed/reefer/that loud

A/N: i had a bad thought while writing this chapter and i’m not going to share it with y’all because that might put y’all off this story. actually fuck it, i’ll share the thought. isn’t it so weird how obsessed we all are with love? like these are college students with so much more happening in their lives but they’re sitting around and always talking about love. and a lot of us do that shit too. weirdos. 

There’s a knock at the door and Bucky replies to it with a groan. A loud, I don’t give a fuck if the neighbors hear me kind of groan. 

Slumped on the couch, phone balanced on his stomach and remote control set on his thigh, he very nearly snarls. He doesn’t bother to pick up either electronic as he stands, letting his phone fall face down on the area rug while the remote knocks against its corner with a clang. 

His journey to the door is comprised less of steps and more of a slide, a glide, a bit of a skate. He’s thankful he kept his socks on and unlocks the door, eyes half-lidded and heavy head tilted back. “The delivery instructions said to text and leave the bag at the door, not to knock and make me get up.” 

“That how you talk to delivery people? They should ban your sorry ass from Doordash.” 

He straightens his head and glares at Steve— smirking, smug, smart ass Steve who holds a large brown paper bag in one hand and a six pack in the other. It somehow makes Bucky frown deeper. “You intercepted my delivery?” 

“And brought you beer,” he holds the cardboard case up and shakes it, smiling. 

That smile fades, however, when he pauses in thought for a moment. He frowns then, indignant. Pushes Bucky out of the way to cross the threshold into the apartment. “So, you know, you’re fuckin’ welcome, you ungrateful jerk.” 

A sigh and Bucky shuts the door. He watches as Steve appraises the room and feels no shame at the look of disgust on Steve’s face. Instead, he rolls his eyes when Steve fully faces him. “I don’t want to hear it.” 

“You clean out your fridge? It broken or something?” Steve asks. He sets the bag and beer onto the coffee table, shuts Bucky’s dead laptop that he hasn’t bothered to charge. Steve then places Bucky’s phone and the remote control on the couch and begins to gather the empty take out containers still cool from the refrigerator. 

Bucky grits his teeth at the sight. “Steve, just— What the hell are you doing?” 

“Picking all this shit up so we can eat and watch the game,” there’s a cheerful lilt through his words. He sends a smile Bucky’s way, humor in the blue of his eyes, as he passes to toss the containers into the trash. “Thanks for asking, Buck. What the hell are you doing?”  

“I—” Bucky still stands by the door. His arms are crossed over his chest, his brow furrowed in incredulity when Steve crosses to the couch once more and falls into the cushions with a sigh of relief. “Steve, I’m not in the mood today, man.” 

“In the mood for what?” The volume of the television is turned up, Steve hugs the elephant cushion to his chest. “You were gonna watch the game anyway, so was I. Might as well do that in the same place and eat a li’l somethin’ while we’re at it.” 

Bucky’s sigh is one of defeat. He takes steps back to the couch rather than skating over, and sits beside Steve with a mumbled, “I didn’t order anything with your fat head in mind.” 

Steve leans forward to pull the bag open, paper crinkling as he pulls a sandwich from the depths. He tosses what remains in the bag onto Bucky’s lap. “Stopped at a deli on the way here. Don’t know what the fuck you’re eating but it smelled like dog shit.” 

He smiles to himself. Wryly. “What deli you stop at?” 

“Shelsky's.” There’s pride in Steve’s voice. Arrogance in his posture. “I didn’t want to cheap out and settle for something worse.”

“That’s where I ordered from, you fucking snob.” 

“Must’ve ordered something nasty then.” 

A sarcastic hum of agreement and Bucky shakes his head. He narrows his eyes at the television as Steve flips through the channels in an attempt to find something more entertaining than the advertisements currently airing on Fox. “Why’re you really here?” 

“It’s Thursday night,” he replies, using a keychain to pop the cap on a bottle of beer. “Titans are playing the Jags.” 

“You don’t care about either of those teams.” 

Steve drops his smile now. He scowls and settles back on Fox, unsatisfied. “Can’t a guy eat a sandwich, drink a beer, and watch a game with a friend without the third degree?” 

“Couldn’t have done that with Sam?” 

“I do a variation of this with Sam almost every night. Wanted to spend time with you today.” 

“But—” 

“Buck, for shit’s sake, let me be here for you without making us both live through me saying why.” He reaches forward to pull another beer from the carton, placing it in Bucky’s lap, and slouches back against the soft grey velvet. “And if you wanna talk about it, I’m here for that, too.” 

“What’s there to talk about?” Bucky asks, more rhetorical than expecting an answer. 

There’s a pause as Bucky gazes at the television with practiced focus. His arms fold over his chest again. His knee bounces.

“She’s on a date,” he continues after the lull stretches for too long. “She was going to start dating eventually. I’m okay with it. Happy for her. T’Challa’s a good dude. Good looking, good soccer player. Smart. It’s nice. Good for her. I’m happy for her. She deserves someone like him. I’m happy for her. 

“He actually came to the door. Didn’t text her to meet him downstairs, didn’t show up empty-handed. We both know how uncomfortable she is with actual romantic gestures and I guess he knows, too, because he gave her a Ziploc of peaches like she had in class the day they met. It’s nice. He’s a good dude. I’m happy for her.”

Through the thick silence that falls over them, Steve blinks. “Christ, you know you just spoke for a minute straight without taking a breath? I think you said ‘I’m happy for her’ thirteen times.” 

Bucky’s inhale is loud and pointed, his exhale a huff. He’s no longer interested in eating the sandwich he’d ordered, suddenly full from all the leftovers he’d tucked into just minutes ago. All he wants is for Steve to leave. 

Well. That’s not all he wants. 

But it trumps his other desires. Momentarily. 

“I know you’re happy for her,” Steve says as Bucky parts his lips to tell the former off. Bucky shuts his mouth now, though. And just listens as Steve’s voice grows softer, eyes no longer dancing in humor. “But I know you’re fuckin’ miserable, too.” 

He knows there’s no point denying it. No point denying what’s so plainly written across his face. 

But he tries anyway. “M’not miserable. I’m ha—” 

“You can be both.” Steve, unwrapping the parchment from his sandwich, keeps his eyes on the television. “It’s possible to be happy for her but miserable at the idea of it all deep down. S’why I thought you might wanna move out.” 

“She’d still go on dates if I’d moved out.” 

“You wouldn’t have to watch her going on them.”

“I’m okay with her dating.”

“I’m okay with a lotta things, too. Doesn’t mean I wanna see it all happen in front of me.”

Bucky watches as Steve takes an impossibly large bite out of the sandwich, Russian dressing smearing over his lips. “I’ve got a date, too.” 

“Buck,” Steve’s mouth is full. Horribly so. And Bucky scowls at the sound of his thick voice. “This ain’t a date. Don’t know how many times I gotta tell you. I just don’t feel that way about you, man.” 

A sarcastic smile and even more dry laugh. “Shut the fuck up. I’m talking about Connie.” 

Steve scowls as he swallows. “That perky little brunette from the bar?” 

“Perky?” 

“I can just look at her and tell she was on her high school cheerleading squad.” Around another bite, he adds, “Seems nice enough, I guess.” 

“She is nice.” He pauses only to mumble more to himself, “And emotionally available.”

Steve cocks an eyebrow and briefly looks at Bucky in skepticism. “What, you determined that from just a few days of talking?” 

“On the second day she told me she’s liked me since freshman year orientation.” He sighs your name then. Slowly. Laboriously. “She was somethin’ else entirely. You know how long it took her to admit she liked me?” 

Steve nods upwards and flips the channel when the commentators on the pregame show begin to argue. 

“Took her three months after we started dating to admit she liked me. And she never said it again after that.” 

Steve drags the back of his hand over his lips, wiping off a bit of stray dressing. In visible disgust, he wipes his hand on the discarded butcher paper. “Some people show their feelings rather than say them.” 

Bucky seems to smile at that. Unbeknownst to himself, there’s a slow grin spreading over his lips. 

He thinks of instances. Instances when silence would act as a wall but actions a wrecking ball. 

The morning after your third date when you’d tried your best— despite your absolute inability to cook— to make the breakfast he always orders at the diner in Astoria. 

The eggs were runny in places, burnt in others and the bacon was traumatically floppy under a layer of not-even-close-to rendered fat and added oil. You’d apologized as he scrubbed the pan and plates, bright yellow dish rag waving as you insisted repeatedly that you couldn’t live if you’d given the guy you’d only just begun to date salmonella. 

Independence day when you’d Irish-goodbyed from Steve’s birthday party only twenty minutes after arriving to steal away to the rooftop of Mama Wilson’s brownstone in Harlem. 

You’d said something about fireworks and pizza, a six-pack of beer already snagged off the kitchen counter. Played it off as Sam’s idea, his house keys in the pocket of the navy blue bomber jacket you’d “borrowed” from Bucky. Nothing about Bucky’s hatred of parties at the Rogers-Wilson residence, though. Not even a hint until he overheard your apologies to Sam’s mother for the intrusion— an apology you later denied, kissing him silly to make him forget any further questions. 

The week before you’d broken up— a week Bucky remembers less for the distance you’d successfully created— when you sought comfort in him after a long day. 

Your boots had been kicked off by the door, your bag and its contents scattered beside them. You’d tearfully slurred words together, words he barely caught, in explanation. Something about work, and school, and your mother’s unnecessary opinions about your major and future. Something which forced sobs from your chest as you set your head against his. You’d wrapped your arms around him tightly, the two of you huddled together on his worn barcalounger as he stroked your hair and pressed kisses to the crown of your head. 

It’s well after the game has ended— Steve vengefully chowing down on your once-hidden stash of This is for when I have my period chocolate, Bucky barely paying attention to the episode of The Office the two had resorted to watching— when you come home. 

Hair mussed, lips swollen with gloss smudged every which way, you stumble through the doorway with a laughed, “No more rule-breaking on the first date, T’Challa.” 

The door is shut and locked just as T’Challa begins to respond. You spin and press your back to it, still laughing but quietly, more to yourself. You open your mouth to greet Steve and Bucky, both looking at you in either confusion or amusement, but shut it as a knock at the door cuts you off. 

“I’ll call you,” T’Challa promises through the wood. There’s a chuckle laced through his words, a smile in his voice. 

Exaggeratedly, you scoff. Still grinning however. “Who calls?” 

“I do,” he replies without concern that your neighbors may complain about his volume. “And you’re gonna pick up.” 

“Oh, am I?” 

“Yeah, you are. ‘Night.”

You don’t respond beyond a hum and stand at the door until you’re sure he’s gone. A nod to yourself and you step away as you remove that navy blue bomber jacket to toss it onto the counter. You also toss a smile over your shoulder to Bucky. “You here just to eat my chocolate, Rogers?” 

“No,” Steve says without a glance in your direction. “I ate your ice cream, too.” 

You shut the freezer. Empty-handed. Frowning. “Your stomach’s just a bottomless pit, huh?” 

“I’m a growing boy.” 

“Have I told you how uncomfortable it makes me when you call your grown-ass self a boy?” you remark, settling for a bottle of water from the refrigerator. You pause before shutting the heavy steel door. “You clear out all the leftovers, too?” 

Steve peers at Bucky, the latter stuck in a thoughtful, sad stare, and nods. “Yeah. We’re all out of food at my place and I don’t get paid ‘til tomorrow night.” 

You’re frowning in consideration as you walk to the barcalounger and fall into it sideways, legs swung over the opposite armrest you’ve set your back against. “Fair enough. How was your day, Buck?” 

The question breaks him from whatever daze he’d fallen into and he blinks. Averts a steady gaze when you shift a bit to look at him. “The Jags won.” 

You smile. It’s warm, a little honeyed. “Is that good or bad?” 

“Neutral.” He can’t help but smile himself. It doesn’t even falter as he asks, “How was your date?”

A shrug. Your eyes narrow at Michael Scott as he attempts to toss pizza dough. “T’Challa got a large popcorn at the movies.” 

“Damn, he’s got money.” 

You laugh, startled. Bucky grins when you do, too. “That’s what I said! I also beat your high score at pinball in the theater arcade.” 

“Went on a date with a guy who’s got money, beat my pinball score. You’ve just had a magical day, haven’t you?” 

There’s a softness and affection in the way Bucky speaks and looks at you, your responding giggles just as sweet. Steve, sitting between the two of you, almost feels as if he’s intruding on something, an empathetic ache in his chest as he watches. “Explain the pinball thing.” 

“Bucky and I went to the movies last month and fucked around the arcade while waiting for our showtime. And he got so competitive.” You roll your eyes at the memory. “We ended up missing the movie because he was determined to beat the high score this poor kid had just set when we got there. Took him hours and, like, forty bucks in tokens.” 

“It didn’t take me hours.” 

“We got there in the afternoon and by the time we left, the employees were cleaning the popcorn machines,” your expression and tone leave no room for argument. “Only took me two hours.” 

Steve looks between you two, fighting the urge to scoff at the satisfaction in your eyes and the combination of annoyance and so much adoration in Bucky’s. “Two hours? You miss the movie again?” 

“No, I snuck out before the movie ended. Said I had to pee and went straight to the machine so none of the kids in our auditorium could take it before I got there.” You ignore Steve’s disappointed gaze. “T’Challa was confused and probably unhappy I made him sit there for so long while I played.”

“Probably unhappy?” 

“I didn’t ask.” A nonchalant shrug and you flash them a knowing smile. “Beating Bucky’s score was my priority so I could come in here and casually mention it like I’m not bragging only to bring it up everyday for the rest of his life.” 

Your eyes meet Bucky’s and, at the look you’re giving him, Bucky has to remind himself that the two of you are no longer in a relationship and he can’t just kiss the arrogance away. “Sucker.”

—

It’s a makeup caboodle. 

Pale pink and lime green. A tropical flower sticker pasted to the clasp. There’s a ribbon tied to the handle— deep magenta velvet in a neat bow. 

It’s unassuming. A little innocent looking. Like it should belong to a seventh grader in the nineties just learning how to use glitter eyeshadow and lip balm palettes. 

It’s when you pop it open, the mirror attachment springing up only to reflect Wanda’s skeptical features, that the pungent smell permeates throughout the kitchen and small living room. Skunky, but a little floral. 

A speckled glass pipe, multicolored glaze splattered over a white base, sits in the top compartment alongside a few toothpicks and a package of rolling papers. In the compartment directly below rests a round steel grinder, three-tiered and emblazoned with the engravement of a manufacturer’s name. 

The biggest compartment holds many small glass jars. Tiny mason jars you’d bought at a flea market. All different colors, all labeled with white circular stickers. 

Wanda sits up in her stool at the sight, pulls the caboodle toward herself and sifts through the jars. She removes three of the jars and looks at you with widened eyes. “You’re insane.” 

You shrug and take the grinder when she hands it to you. “I like being organized.” 

“You should see her room,” Bucky says as he shuts his bedroom door behind him, shoes in hand. He smiles at the two of you, beard freshly trimmed to just barely above stubble and eyes a bright blue. “Most organized mess I’ve ever seen.”

You nod, tearing a bit of the sour diesel bud apart to place carefully between the metal teeth in the topmost chamber. You smile at her from your spot atop the counter, legs folded and back pressed against the shelves behind you. “There’s a method to my madness, Wan. Hand me a toothpick.” 

She complies and removes a blue jar without a label. “What’s in this one?” 

“Blue dream. Jar’s blue and I ran out of stickers.” There’s a click as the lid is magnetically snapped back onto the grinder. You twist it to the left twice, then to the right once. “You picking her up or meeting her there?” 

Bucky, leant against the wall as he slips his shoes on, looks up. “What says ‘This is a real date, not a hookup’?” 

“Going to dinner and not having sex after.” 

He replies with a dry laugh and narrowed eyes. “Which of the two options— picking her up or meeting there— says that?” 

“Picking her up.” You tear the stem off the bottom of the bud and place it as a barrier over the hole in the pipe’s bowl. “Might be too late to tell her that now, though.” 

“Already told her I’d pick her up. I was just making sure I did the right thing.” You see his lips spread into a self-satisfied smirk when you finish filling the bowl. “Looks like I did.” 

You smile back, though sarcastically. “Girls like a little humility in the guys they date, you know.” 

“She’s liked me for three years now,” he says. He pulls on a jacket and pats every pocket on him to make sure he’s got his wallet and keys. “She knows what she’s herself getting into.” 

“Bucky, baby, I live with you and I had no idea what I was getting myself into.” 

Wanda snorts a laugh at that, taking the pipe and a bright pink lighter from you. 

Bucky’s eyes fall into a glare. “So normal first dates don’t end in sex?” 

“No, they don’t. Most people actually wait until after the third date. It’s, like, in the dating manual for successful relationships.” 

“Huh,” he breathes. He takes his phone when you remove it from the charger to pass it to him, smiling up at you. “Looks like we were doomed from the start.”

“Maybe.” You watch as Wanda exhales a steady stream of opaque smoke punctuated by a soft cough. You slide her bottle of water to her. “Or maybe we’re the exception to the rule. Apart, we should follow normal date conventions. But together, we were too hot to wait that long.” 

Wanda hands you the pipe and lighter. “What happened to humility?” 

Before sparking the lighter, you answer, “I’m not dating a girl.” 

Your next inhale, once you’ve adequately charred the top layer of pot, burns in your throat and you hold it in your chest. You smile at Bucky when he shoots you a sly grin, lips in a cirlce as you exhale. “Have fun. Don’t order the tiramisu. They skimp on the espresso.” 

He nods once and straightens his jacket. You watch as he unlocks the door, opens it, and steps through with a simple wave. Your eyes remain on the door even after it shuts. 

It isn’t until Wanda’s fingers brush yours that you break your stare. “What?” the question is nearly barked when she offers you a look of something eerily similar pity. 

“Nothing! You just— You look a little lovelorn.”

Your features crumple. “Ew. No, I don’t. I look amazing, you look lovelorn.” 

“Okay, Queen of the land Defensiva,” she mutters once she’s exhaled. “I’m just saying. You were staring at that door like you want to take it home to meet your mother.” 

“Maybe I do. It’s a nice color. I picked the yellow out myself.” 

“Nat told me about that night at the bar. About how Bucky flirted with that Connie chick right in front of you.” She watches as you take a hit and your head lolls back against the shelves. “That must have sucked.” 

“It did.” You trace the bumps on the ceiling and sigh. “But it’s okay. Larger picture, broad scheme of things. It’s okay.” 

“What’s that mean?” 

A shrug. You take a sip from your own bottle of water. “We’re both okay. We’re both moving on, we’re still able to be friends and roommates. I can sit here and watch him go on dates with her if that’s what it takes. A little pain for the larger cause.” 

There’s a beat of silence as Wanda takes a long drag. You break it as you muse, “Do we talk about this shit too much?” 

“Yeah, maybe. Should we order a pizza?” 

--

CHAPTER 5: ARE YOU OVERCOMPENSATING?

[chdarling]

i totally relate to your tags on that looking/acting gay posts and i hope you will find the courage to post your gay stuff one day i would be delighted to read it <3

i have recently come out as bi and i keep forgetting to come out to everyone and i really look super straight and when i tell people they're always so shocked and it's just. so stupid. so what it's not written on my face that i find women attractive. it always makes me kind of sad to think that i don't fit into the stereotype, as if i'm not gay enough to identify with the community, like i'm doing something wrong. also the feeling of not belonging is stronger since i lean more towards men as a bi woman and the biphobia gets so tiring. sometimes it feels like bi people don't belong anywhere, because we're never gay enough or straight enough. sorry to come ranting in your inbox i just wanted to talk about it with (at) somebody. i hope you have a lovely day!

Oh, anon. I’m really sorry you’ve been made to feel like you don’t belong to the queer community. You do. You do, you do, you do. And you’re always welcome to come ranting to my inbox 😉❤️

I just want to say, you don’t have to come out to anyone unless you want to. It is not a requirement, it does not make you any less queer, and you are not doing anything wrong if people assume you are straight. That’s on our fucked up society, not you. You do not have to prove your queerness to anyone to belong. It is an innate part of you and not a checklist of commodities to flaunt on social media. And anyone who says otherwise can go jump. 🙃

I did the whole “coming out” thing in my early twenties because I felt like I had to. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to be a lesbian unless I made the announcement. It was...really traumatic. I lost some friends. I lost myself for a while. Shit was rough.

I got through it, and then, one day, I found I had to come out again. Because I had all new people in my life. And then again. And again. And again.

I don’t bother “coming out” anymore. The people I want to know know, and everyone else can wonder all they like. It’s not that I’m in the closet, it’s just that at some point you realize “coming out” never, ever stops. That new co-worker who wants to know all about your boyfriend, surely a pretty gal like you...? Your (ex) friend who keeps ‘forgetting’ or thinks it was just a phase and you’re over it now, you’ve come to your senses and totally want to date him. Every new person who comes into your life and just assumes you are straight. It’s so fucking exhausting.

The anonymity of the internet is occasionally a refuge for this, but I’ve been on here a long time, and sadly I’ve seen elements of the queer community eat itself alive from time to time. Ace discourse. Transphobia. Bi-phobia. Queer is a slur. Maybe it’s because I was so starved for community as a teen, but I do not understand this urge to gatekeep, to bar people from community because they don’t experience being queer Exactly Like You. We need each other and all our different experiences, and the exclusion is absolutely stupid anyway because I guarantee that anyone who in any way, shape or form deviates from the path of straightness has felt the blunt force of their Otherness. Exploring that and then finding that the “community” says there actually isn’t a place for you unless you act like X, Y, Z? Fucking devastating. Because the straights want you to do A, B, C and you can’t do that either so now what??

When I’m not obsessively writing fanfiction about dead wizards, I am working on an original novel in which the main character is a lesbian. She’s deeply flawed. She is angry and vengeful and occasionally cruel. And I trip myself up SO much by worrying whether it will be considered ‘bad representation’ by the queer community. And then I worry that if I ever actually did try and publish it (big if), am I going to have to go through another big “coming out” to prove that I’m allowed to write gay stories? Am I going to have to do that over and over and over again? Am I going to have internet warriors trolling through my social media, deeming me Not Gay Enough?

And like a lot of this angst is admittedly the product of an anxiety disorder, but also, you log onto twitter and you see this shit happening over and over and over — writers, actors, randos who voiced an opinion, all being deemed straight until they’re forced to out themselves — and it’s just fucking traumatizing. Like, I just want to be. I just want to write my stupid little stories and be.

And it’s tricky, right? Because it is important to create opportunities for queer people to tell their own stories, rather than yet another gay trauma movie by a straight man (or misogynistic gay man, see: Ryan Murphy). But the requirement that you must prove yourself Overtly Gay in a Specific Way to qualify feels so dangerous to me and it leaves so many voices silenced and it just breaks my heart.

Ok, sorry. I’m done. 😂 This is as close as I get to queer discourse on this app, because like I said, I’m tired and I just want to be. But it’s been weighing heavy on my heart lately, so here’s a Tuesday morning rant from yours truly. The day can only go up from here, right? 😉

Lots of love to you anon, and please don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you don’t belong. ❤️

[mariinara]

TWENTY - TWO (Sam Drake x Reader) ANGST |PART 2|

A/N: Aaaand that's a wrap on this one, ladies and gents! This was all sorts of emotions rolled into a single one-shot but HEY it is what it is and y'all know how I am by now so :") HOPE Y'ALL ENJOY THIS ONE.

Tags: @easy-and-steady , @the-winchesterboys , @the-drakeboys , @missdictatorme , @psg-for-life , @elledrake , @samdrakeftw , @s4mdrake , @ghost-of-the-oldwest , @writersblockincoming , @purplezebra68 , @hrgnm

Request for anon: '14, 18, and 19 for angst prompts with Sam? 👀👀 I also really really adore your work!!!'

Prompts: "Can you just kiss me? One last time? That's all I ask.." + "Don't make this harder than it already is.." + "It's better this way."

Warnings: ANGST. Just ANGST, okay?

Word count: ~ 4.8K

(Part one here!)

-TWO WEEKS LATER-

Your fingers tapped away on your keyboard, your eyes flickering from the screen to your fingers as you filled in a resume for a teaching job in Boston. You wanted to quit your job in Philadelphia to spend as much of the summer vacation as you could with your mother. When she’d come back from Jersey, that is.. 

Avery was completely supportive of your decision and thought that you and your mother needed to squeeze some bonding time into your tight schedules. She wanted to keep her job in Philly, though because it paid pretty well and she wanted to gain her independence as quickly as possible, which Sam pretended to be proud of when it caused him severe anxiety, despite knowing fully how capable his daughter was. However, she was his only daughter and he liked when she counted on him for everything, but as she grew up, she became less and less dependent on him and it upset him to some extent but he hid it well.

Sam..

You couldn’t help but smile at the thought of him, your cheeks heating up as memories flashed through your head of that night. The images were so vivid that you felt the same sensations tingling you, causing every hair on your body to stand up and a shiver escape your parted lips and, suddenly, you were no longer focused on the resume and were only swimming in your pool of that night’s memories. God, it was so good. How he had no control over his actions. The look in his eyes that so clearly displayed his hesitation-- his debate on whether to take the next big step. And once you reassured him that it was okay and that he could do whatever he wanted, he took you hard and fast, his hand clamped over your mouth or his lips against yours to silence you and nothing in the world mattered at that point.

You inhaled sharply before chuckling lightly to yourself. The best thing about what happened was how you casually put your clothes back on and continued to play video games all throughout the night and laughing like nothing ever happened. To some women, that could’ve been a bad thing, but to you, that was the equivalent of cuddling. And he stayed charming and funny up until he passed out right next to you, which made you smile, pull a blanket over his body, and plant a quick kiss to his cheek. Next thing you knew, you were out of the shower and sleeping next to Avery, who was passed out and snoring softly like the heavy sleeper she was.

That was almost two weeks ago and you hadn’t seen or heard from Sam since you entered your empty home, but you didn’t question it. You reckoned he was probably busy with finding another gig with Sullivan. You and Avery called everyday, though, and she’d tell you how absentminded and distracted her father seemed. She’d be talking to him and he would be in another dimension and would snap out only when she alerted him, apologizing and asking her to repeat what she’d said before he’d do it all over again. She was complaining about it to you and you couldn’t help but wonder if that was a good or bad thing. For all you knew, you might’ve had him finally wrapped around your finger.. Or he was completely regretting what he’d done. 

Your cell phone suddenly started ringing, startling you out of your thoughts. You realized that you’d been staring at the blinking cursor aimlessly for the past ten minutes. A sigh escaped your lips as you reached for your cell on the nightstand, expecting it to be your mother checking up on you, but when you looked at the ID, you raised your brow. 

She usually didn’t call you more than twice a day and you didn’t know why she was calling again after you rambled on to each other for two straight hours but you decided to pick up with a smile: “Hey, Av--”

“(Y/N).” 

You frowned deeply at her tone. The way her voice cracked and the sniffles and little whimpers alerted you, causing you to sit up straight and push the laptop off of your lap, “Ave? What’s wrong?” You asked, causing her to let out a small sob, “Talk to me. What’s goin’ on?”

“It’s dad.” She croaked, her voice still broken. You found your heart sinking at her vague response and a million things popped up in your head, but before you could say anything, Avery continued, "He's going to Vancouver.." 

Your brows pulled together in confusion and you shook your head, "Wait, but– He travels all the time, Ave, what–"

"No, no, I'm goin' with him."

Your mouth snapped shut and you shifted on your bed a little so your legs dangled from the side, “H-Hold on, Ave.” You closed your eyes with a soft sigh, your fingers rubbing your forehead, “Slow it down for me.”

You heard her sharp intake of air and her shaky exhale shortly following, “Dad.. got a job in Vancouver and we’re gonna move there for a while.” 

Your eyes snapped open again and you felt your breath hitch in your throat, “What’s “a while”..?”

You heard a short pause on Avery’s end and your heart sank with each passing second. You were going to prod her to speak up, but what she said next almost made you double over: 

“A year and a half..”

Your blood ran cold and your eyes widened. And suddenly, everything around you started falling apart. Your whole being began to crumble. Your breathing started getting heavier when you asked yourself: 'If it's just work, why would he take Avery this time?' and you realized that he was probably planning on staying there for good and Avery knew it as well.

Your hand flew to cover your mouth to muffle a cry.

"I don't know what to do. He told me so suddenly and I pretended to be happy just because he seemed happy and I–" Avery paused to gasp for air, "Sully got him this job all of a sudden and he's been packing for the past twelve hours and–" She sobbed. The sound broke your heart to a million pieces and you wanted to just apologize to her. For all you know, you might've been the cause of what was happening. Maybe he wanted to leave because of you, "I dunno what to do and I'm runnin' outta time, (Y/N)."

You let out a shaky breath and squeezed your eyes shut, your jaw clenching as you cursed yourself before getting up to your feet, walking over to your closet, "It's okay; Calm down– I'll be here in a few."

"There's literally no time– The moving company came for our stuff and we're headed for the airport in a few."

You frowned, "Moving.. company?" 

"That's what I asked but he said that he needed everything in case the job took a little longer than he expected." She croaked and sniffled again, "I don't fucking know what he takes me for or if he's being an idiot on purpose."

"No– Listen to me: Your dad is not an idiot." You defended in a calm tone, "You shouldn't blame him for this; he, uh.." You stared down at your feet, biting down on your bottom lip in contemplation as you swayed back and forth on your heels and soles, "He–He hasn't worked in a while and he needs this, so just.." You looked up again, your shoulders slacked in surrender and your eyes glossy with tears, "Just see where this'll go.. You're all he has, Ave and he loves you so, so much." You slowly breathed out, not wanting her to hear how you were trembling– not wanting her to detect how you were one minute away from breaking down. 

You closed your eyes again as she spoke, letting your tears slip freely down your cheeks.

"I know." She sniffled, "He's been so strange and I feel like he's not telling me something."

At that, you mentally smacked yourself about three-hundred times in a row. It hurt you so deeply how you've betrayed her trust like that. And again, with your eyes closed, memories flashed before your eyes, but the narrative completely changed. 

Sam's groans and words of praise filled your ears, his chest hot against your arched back and his hand clamped over your mouth while you let out muffled cries. But you imagined Avery, standing there, watching you in horror, drowning in her tears, traumatized by the sight. And you made eye contact with her at that very moment, maintaining it, as if to taunt her– to highlight just how selfish you were. You imagined her staring back, betrayal written all over her face, her cheeks burning from the salty tears and her hand clutching her chest and her other covering her mouth. With one snap of Sam's hips, you were pushed over the edge and your vision blurred with white light, your brows furrowing and your heart furiously pounding in your chest as you let out a scream into his hand, but when your eyes readjusted, Avery was no longer there. And neither were her pictures that once filled every corner in the living room. They were white sheets in pretty frames. And the ones she had with Sam only had him in them. And somewhere, from afar, you saw your father, laughing as he sent you a wink and walked away from you, only to dissipate into thin air. 

"(Y/N)..?" 

You snapped out with a sharp inhale, your brows arched and your eyes wide with terror as your fingers ghosted your lips before you covered your mouth, hoping that she didn't catch that sound that slipped you. 

"You still there?"

"I-I'm here." You quickly replied, your hand dropping from your mouth to rub your chest, trying to ease the feeling of immense discomfort, "I'll be right at the airport, okay?"

There was a short pause and then, you heard him call out for his daughter, followed by a "We gotta go, baby!" and you didn't think it was possible for your heart to sink any more than it has, but it did. 

"Coming, dad!" Avery called back, her voice completely different, as if she hadn’t been bawling for the past hour, “I’ll stall him at the airport cafeteria, okay?”

You nodded, trying to catch your breath, “O-Okay. I’ll be right there.” 

“Hurry..”

“I will.” 

You quickly hung up and put the phone on your dresser before hurrying to put on anything. You opted for a hoodie and a pair of jeans, pulled your hair back with whatever hair band you could find into a low bun, slipped on whatever sneakers that were next to your door, grabbed your car keys and phone, and hurried out of the house, trying to keep calm so your drive there wouldn’t be a complete disaster. 

You wasted absolutely no time. You kept your eyes on the road, had a steady foot on the gas, but your chest bubbled with anxiety. The kind that made you let out a small, suffocated whimper from time to time. The kind that made your hands tighten around the steering wheel. The kind that made it extremely unbearable to listen to anything from the radio, which caused you to reach out and turn it off quickly. You rolled down the window after the light turned green, immediately speeding down the road, the wind ruffling the stray strands of hair that fell on either side of your face and drying the tears that rolled down your cheeks. Your eyes caught a sign that made you nervously chew on the nail of your thumb, your heart beat quicker, and your stomach churn with jitters. Your head was so empty and you were so fixated on getting to your destination that you haven’t even rehearsed what to tell Sam or Avery. 

You were filled to the brim with sadness, nervousness, and a tinge of anger. The street lights that rushed past you and the sound of the wind had a hypnotic effect on you. The sound of cars zooming by on the smooth asphalt put you at ease somehow. 

When you parked in the airport’s garage, you didn’t even pause to think about your next step. You were out of your car and running towards the entrance, pushing past families and couples, absentmindedly muttering ‘sorry’s and ‘excuse me’s, getting looks in the process. 

You were stopped at the first checkpoint at the entrance by a security guard, who thoroughly searched you while you looked ahead, getting on your tiptoes to look past his shoulder for the cafeteria, but your eyes only saw several ticket booths and passport checks next to each other. 

“Free to go.”

You closed your slightly open mouth and got to your feet, swallowing your nerves and flickering your eyes to look at the guard, “Uhh, excuse me, but is there a cafeteria close by?”

“There’s more than one, but--”

Your phone rang in your back pocket and you quickly pulled it out and checked the ID, letting out a shaky sigh before answering, “Sorry..” You mumbled to the guard, “Ave? Where are you?”

“We’re in Peet’s coffee and Tea.” She sniffled, her voice a bit above a whisper, “I’m in the bathroom but I’ll come back in a bit, I just, uhh..” She huffed, “I needed a little time for myself.”

“O-Okay..” You nodded, “I can wait for a bit..” You squeezed your eyes shut and pressed your lips together, dreading the fact that it meant you’d have time with Sam. Alone. 

“I love you, Sparrow.”

You nodded your head, smiling softly, “I love you, too, Salazar..”

The line went blank and you looked up at the guard with a sheepish smile, “Peet’s tea and coffee..” You shook your head, your brows pulling in confusion as you scratched your forehead, “Er.. Coffee and Tea..” He chuckled at that.

“Uhh, you’re gonna continue along this path and find east Terminal B. You’ll continue past Starbucks and the vending machine and you’re there.”

You huffed softly and nodded, “Okay, thank you. Thank you so much!” You ran past him and made it through the crowds of people, apologizing and mumbling your way through people, your eyes fixated ahead. The sign above your head displayed ‘Terminal B’ and your stomach did flips as you ran past Starbucks and the feelings that bubbled up in your chest caused you to slow down. It was only then that you realized how out of breath you were.

How unprepared you were.

Your hand reached up for your fingers to gently brush the silver, heart-shaped pendant around your neck, with the letter 'A' engraved in beautiful cursive. 

You looked down at your feet as you walked, your hand clutching the silver heart.

Avery had the same one around her neck, with the initial of your name engraved. You'd had those since you were fourteen, but never in your life did you feel like you didn't deserve her love or trust. 

Again, you found yourself at your destination, with no semblance of an idea of what you were going to tell Sam. 

The chattering noises around you started dying down and were replaced by your loud heartbeats as you stepped into the café, your eyes carefully searching for a familiar face. Normally, the smell of brewing coffee and cold club sandwiches would draw you in but at the moment, you felt like you were growing sick. 

You looked around a corner, scanning the tables, only to see couples sitting and talking, teenagers being a tad louder than the rest of the people around them, or businessmen, sitting along in their fancy Tom Ford suits and their open macbooks, sipping on their typical cold brew. 

You sighed, but didn't know if it were from relief or frustration and just when you were about to search your head for how to approach Sam while you turned on your heel to look in another corner, you bumped into someone much taller than you, causing you to stumble back with a groan.

"Fuck." You cussed lowly, raising your hands in defense and backing away, scared that the person might be holding coffee, "Jesus, would you–" Your eyes flickered up and the aggressive furrow of your brows melted into a mildly surprised arch as you blinked, your eyes softening.

Sam pursed his lips and pushed one hand into the pocket of his Levi's while the other rested at his side, fiddling with a fraying thread in the side of his jeans. His eyes wandered from yours for a second before he looked deeply into them and his shoulders sagged, "Hey, kiddo.." He breathed out, giving you a tiny, awkward wave.

You blinked again, taking in a deep breath and crossing your arms, "Hey." You responded, swallowing down the lump that formed in your throat, "Did you know I was coming?" You asked, your hand quickly flying to wipe a stray tear from your cheek before you crossed your arms again with a small sniffle.

"Yeah. Yeah, uh.." He looked down for a second, as if he was ashamed of something. And you knew exactly what, "I figured Avery would call."

Your brows pulled together and your lips trembled slightly, "Why didn't you?" The bitterness that you tried to hide to no avail made him look up at you with a frown. 

He knew where this would go. It was inevitable. 

Sam reached out for you, "Okay, let's just sit down for a sec–"

"No." You sternly said, flinching away from his touch. The raise in your voice caught some attention around you, making Sam sigh softly and retreat his hand, "I want to know why you're doing this.." You whispered, your voice laced with heartbreak and disappointment. 

"Doing what?"

"Escaping me..!" You responded immediately, looking into his eyes as you took a step towards him. He ripped his gaze from yours and shook his head.

"I'm not escaping anything." He let out a mirthless chuckle, "I am trying to provide for Avery–"

"Oh, spare me the bullshit, Samuel." You venomously replied, narrowing your tearful eyes at him, "You are a coward." Your arms unfolded so you could push him away, which did nothing but make him take half a step back from you, "You're a fucking coward–" Your voice got louder as the lump in your throat grew more unbearable as you pushed on his chest again. He was quiet but his jaw was clenched. When you went to push him again, Sam grabbed your wrists to calm you down, knowing that both of you would be escorted outside if anyone from management took notice of the scenario.

"(Y/N)–"

"Get– offa me." You yanked your wrists away and took a step back, staring at him with wide, bloodshot eyes as you wiped your nose with the sleeve of your hoodie, "Don't fucking touch me.." You croaked, pointing an accusing finger at him, "You are just like that fucker."

He paused to narrow his eyes at you, "What..?"

"You're gonna leave me just like he did!" You let out a broken sob, your shoulders shaking with every quiet cry that broke through you.

Sam closed his eyes and shook his head slightly with a soft sigh, "Sweetheart, don't make this harder than it already is–"

"Please, stop.." You begged weakly, "You used me. Do not talk to me about things being "hard" because while you have a fucking escape, I do not!"

He scoffed, offended, "I did not use you–"

"Then why are you acting like that?!"

"Because."

"Because what?!"

"Because!"

"Because what!?–"

"Because I have feelings for you!" He snapped, making your breath hitch in your throat. You took a step back, feeling a little unbalanced as you frowned at him. His nostrils flaring and his eyes burning holes in your soul, his brows pulled together.

"What..?" You sounded confused. Or maybe hurt. Did you hear that right? By the look on his face, you seemed to have heard it right. Did it make sense? No. Absolutely zero sense, "Why did you.." Your brains froze on you, the gears not spinning properly, just lagging at every dent.

He took a step to make up for the distance you made between the two of you, "And I don't want to feel like that.." His hands were on your shoulders, then your upper arms, his thumbs drawing back and forth in comfort, "I'm pulling myself from the equation because I do care for you.. If we stay around each other, Avery's gonna notice and you're gonna lose her. I know that for a fact.." He searched your eyes for something. Anything. But it still seemed like you were at a loss for words, your mouth hanging open a little. It made him smile softly, his eyes gleaming with the sort of warmth that brought you a feeling of safety, "I don't want us to get in trouble. This could cost us everything and it is not worth it–"

"But it is." You refuted, hopeful. Your eyes brimmed with more tears at his words.

"No, no– Sweetheart, listen." His hands quickly cupped your cheeks so his thumbs could wipe away your tears, "I.. am not worth it."

You felt a sting in your heart. One that your face slightly contort in pain, "Sam–"

"You deserve someone who'll love you unconditionally without being a threat to every single relationship around you, and.." He shook his head, trying to search for the right words, "I love you unconditionally, but you and I've been through enough.." He breathed out, "You should be comfortable with the guy you bring. You should be with someone to bring home to your mom. Not lead a dangerous, tiring lifestyle. You don't need that." 

God, you hated how right he was. It made you love him all over again. His sincerity and tenderness with you contrasted the rough touch of his hands that you leaned your cheek into, your face shifting into one of complete pain as you let out a small sob.

"It's better this way.." His own eyes began to gloss the more he blinked and it took you back to that same night when he was completely vulnerable to you, "Trust me, sweetheart." He gave you a warm smile, tucking your stray strands of hair behind your ears, "C'mere.." He pulled you into a tight embrace, his chin on the dome of your head and the side of your face pressed against his chest. You felt his hands rubbing circles on your back. Slow, comforting, very familiar ones, "And I'm me.." You felt his chest vibrate and his cologne filling your nostrils, "I'll always be me; I'm not him.." Your fingers curled to clutch onto the front of his red flannel shirt, your eyes squeezing shut as you cried quietly against him, "I'm never gonna really leave you." He pulled away from you for a second to look at your beautiful crying face that you used to make when you'd fall off your bicycle when he taught you or came back from school and straight into his arms when you'd have a rough day of bullies. It made him smile with a wistful sigh from his nose, "Not if you ever forget me." He flicked your nose gently with a teasing smirk, making you chuckle unexpectedly with a big grin. 

"Never." You replied, smiling up at him with that glimmer in your eyes and for a minute, it was only you two in the entire airport and it didn't matter how many eyes were on you. And there it was again.

That spark.

And again, your mind convinced you that he was leaning closer to kiss you, but you shook your head profusely, getting your vision straight before looking down at your awkwardly shuffling foot, "Can I, umm.." You clicked your tongue and scratched your cheek with your forefinger, clearing your throat, "Can I ask for a favor?" You mustered enough courage to look up at him, your hands clasped behind your back.

He shrugged a little, "Shoot." 

You bit down on your lip and your eyes traveled to his, "Can you just kiss me?" You quickly asked, afraid of wasting any more time before Avery would get back, "One last time..?" His shoulders fell and his eyes flickered to every corner of your face, as if he was mesmerized by you, thinking 'Oh, man..' at the angelic look on your face that he couldn't for the life of him resist, "That's all I ask.."

He let out a shaky breath and glanced around. No sign of Avery. He then looked back at you and reached out, gripping the front of your hoodie and yanking you forward, making you yelp and stumble a little, but he caught you with a firm arm around your waist, pressing you against him before capturing your lips in a soft kiss, relaying his utmost care and love for you. For a second you were taken aback but when it clicked, your eyes fluttered shut and you kissed back with a soft exhale from your nose. God, it felt so right. So good. 

It wasn't fair.

How something could feel so perfect but be so wrong in every aspect.

Sam slowly broke the kiss and the sound brought you back from paradise, causing you to slowly bat your lashes to adjust your eyesight, gripping onto his strong, muscular upper arms for support, "Oh, wow.." You muttered, swallowing thickly afterwards.

Sam let out a light, breathless laugh, still looking into your eyes. You smiled warmly up at him, wishing that you could take him and keep him forever, but it wasn't up to you.

His arm loosened from around you and his hand was now on your hip. When you backed away from him a little, his hand went back into his pocket and the lack of physical contact from him almost pained you.

"(Y/N)!" You heard Avery's voice, causing both you and Sam to look to the side, but before you could say anything, she ran into your arms, making you stagger back a little, "(Y/N).." She whimpered, her arms tightly wrapped around your neck and her face buried in your shoulder. Your arms slowly snaked around her and you held her close, closing your eyes. 

"Hey, Salazar.." You tried to lift her mood, your hands comfortingly rubbing her back. Sam looked down at both of you with a thin smile.

"I'm gonna miss you so.. so much." She breathed, her voice muffled in your hoodie, but you heard her loud and clear and it caused you to smile sadly.

"Hey.. There's still college.. And we'll video chat every day, okay?" You suggested, but your voice cracked with both uncertainty and hurt, "It'll be like.. like I'm right there with you." 

She nodded against you, hugging you tighter, "I love you, Sparrow.." 

"I do, too.." She pulled away from the hug to smile at you, tears staining her rosy cheeks, "So much." You returned her soft smile, sniffling a little. 

Sam's hand was on Avery's shoulder as he stood behind her, giving her a few squeezes.

'Flight to Vancouver in thirty minutes. Please head to Gate 15B.'

All of you looked up as the feminine voice broke through the speakers.

"Well.." Sam sighed, "That's our cue.." His eyes locked on yours and you pressed your lips and swallowed to prevent yourself from crying. Sam stepped forward and towards you, and again, you were in his arms and he hugged you close as you stood on your tiptoes, "You take care o' yourself, alright..?" Came his deep, raspy voice, making you feel safe again. But all you could do was wordlessly nod, afraid that if you talked, you'd cry again.

And as they walked away, stealing glances over their shoulder at you with smiles and small waves, you kept it together. 

You held your own until they disappeared in the large crowds of people, and suddenly, you felt hollow again, as if something sucked all air from your lungs, and suddenly, you hand was clutching your hoodie as if it burnt your very skin while you let out small sobs and gasps of air, trying to keep as quiet as possible. 

You squatted on the floor, not caring how many people stared at you or circumvented your body. You quickly pulled your phone from your back pocket and with a shaky hand, you dialed the only person you could think of and pressed it against your ear, trying to keep your emotions at bay.

Finally, she picked up, her sweet voice filling your ear with a gentle "Hey, sweetie."

"Mom.." You sobbed, "Mom, please come home." 

"Baby, what's wrong? Are you okay?!"

"Mom.." You sniffled again, your whole body shaking as you debated yourself on what to say, but if you kept it to yourself, you’d feel like you'd explode, "I need to tell you something.."

                                           __________________

[cruelfeline]

Do you think Hordak abused Catra, or was it a two-way exchange? I had this tussle with a Catra stan trying to claim she was innocent and it was Hordak doing everything wrong in the situation and wanted to hear what one of Hordak's biggest fans thinks.

Ah, anon, this is such an interesting question! And it’s definitely one I see people fight over time and again. I’ll give you my opinion, though I warn you and everyone who reads this: the nature of Catra and Hordak’s relationship seems to me to be a subjective one. How abusive, how reciprocal, and ultimately how distressing one finds it is often dependent upon one’s own views. That said, I shall give you mine. 

Official disclaimer: this is all based upon how I interpret these characters and how their interactions make me feel. Your mileage may greatly vary.

First and foremost, let me answer this question: does Hordak hurt Catra? Yes. Yes, he does. He uses a machine to suffocate her. It is bad. He also plans to send her to Beast Island. He should not have done it. He is a bad man with bad leadership methods.

Now, with that established: did he abuse her?

Ah. Hm. Hmm. 

To me, this is not “abuse” in the way that what Shadow Weaver does to Catra is “abuse.” And I emphasize “to me” because, again, your mileage may vary. I have a certain sense of what I interpret to be “abuse.” And my sense may not be your sense. Heck, it may not even be the showrunners’ sense! But it’s mine, and that’s what I’m going with when discussing this.

and yes, I am bringing Shadow Weaver into this, so prepare yourselves

Hordak’s treatment of Catra is wrong, of course, but it’s not the same thing as what Shadow Weaver does to her. And it’s not something that makes me uncomfortable in the way that Shadow Weaver’s actions make me uncomfortable. 

Part of the reason for this is the motivation behind it. Why does Hordak do this to Catra? Why does he physically harm her? Why is he so harsh? 

Well, short of asking him, we’ll never truly know, but in my opinion, he is harsh and draconic and violent partially because of his “upbringing,” and partially because he is afraid. He spies and attempts to control everyone because he is afraid. And he is afraid because, once someone learns his secrets and figures out how to turn off his life support, he can be smacked around and broken over one’s knee like the grumpy toothpick that he is.

And cruel as his methods are, evil as he is, he’s pretty much right, isn’t he? As we all know, Catra achieves this. She figures out the secret to Hordak’s armor and essentially usurps him. In all of twenty seconds. Violently. Painfully. With plenty of humiliation involved.

Add to this physical vulnerability Hordak’s tendency to be easily manipulated due to his own emotional issues, and it’s not difficult to see why he might feel the need to rule with an iron fist. Hordak has precious little room for error, not just in terms of keeping on top of the Fright Zone hierarchy, but in terms of keeping his life. He’s killable. He’s really, disconcertingly killable. And beyond being killable, he is manipulable and easily influenced.  

Even exile to Beast Island can be viewed as an extension of this: if someone is a legitimate, untrustworthy danger to him, then they must be eliminated. And Catra, due to her lies and her personal motives, ends up being an untrustworthy danger. 

So that’s one reason I don’t view this as traditional abuse: Hordak’s motivations appear less “abuse the child for a power trip” and more “I need to keep everyone in line because if I don’t, there’s a pretty legit chance that I’m going to die.” There’s a self-defense aspect to it. It’s a weird, fucked up form of self-defense, but it’s there. 

Shadow Weaver, on the other hand… well, I’m not entirely certain of her motivations. She doesn’t hurt a military-trained, dangerous teenage cat person that could kill her; she starts off very plainly hurting a frightened little girl. I have my own sort of pet theory why, but this isn’t really the place for it, and it’s entirely speculative. I feel like we-the-viewers don’t really get much of a reason for why she treats Catra the way she does. Oh, she claims that it’s to make Catra stronger, but that’s… kind of a weak reason, to me. Again, I have my thoughts, but this isn’t that post. 

The point is, whatever Shadow Weaver’s motives, I don’t read them as “messed up self-defense” the way I do Hordak’s. Which is why her torment of Catra reads as true abuse to me, while Hordak’s punishments read more as overzealous, maladjusted discipline. 

Now, one could definitely argue that the only reason Hordak needed to defend himself from Catra is because he wronged her in the first place, and this is a legitimate argument. However, I would counter that Catra ended up being dangerous not only to her enemies, but to her friends as well. She tazed Entrapta and all but killed her. She used Scorpia whenever it was convenient and otherwise threatened/neglected her. She pretty much made a game of one-upping and trying to kill Adora. Being kind to Catra wasn’t some sort of guarantee of safety, and really, I don’t think Hordak was in the sort of place to take that kind of gamble, physically or mentally. So to me, this is a bit of a moot point.

The other big factor in why Hordak’s treatment of Catra doesn’t read as traditional abuse to me is how it affects Catra. In short: it doesn’t seem to. Not really. Not beyond keeping her in line and ensuring that she is afraid of him enough so that she doesn’t try anything. It’s not like Shadow Weaver’s lifelong abuse, which causes severe, traumatic damage to Catra and is essentially responsible for her being the way she is. 

Catra is able to break off from Hordak with no emotional repercussions even before she physically bests him. What he’s done to her, while painful and morally wrong, doesn’t appear to have lasting effects. It doesn’t affect her view of herself. It doesn’t add to her pathology. She doesn’t feel the need to continue chasing his approval.

Compare this to how Catra responds to Shadow Weaver even after having “defeated her” and supposedly moved on: she’s still deeply hurt by her, still bound to seek her approval and esteem, still driven to tears when Shadow Weaver rejects her yet again. Nothing like this happens with Hordak; he hurts Catra, yes, but he doesn’t damage her, if that makes sense.

The reason for this is rooted, I think, in the roles these characters play for one another. Catra isn’t much affected by Hordak’s physical punishment because he doesn’t really mean anything to her. He’s her boss, not a father figure or anything like that. More importantly, he’s a means to an end: a source of respect and authority that will provide her with the ability to get what she actually wants: Shadow Weaver and Adora’s respect and approval. Shadow Weaver, on the other hand, is Catra’s mother. She’s supposed to be her source of affection, security, and emotional support. And so when she hurts Catra, it leaves legitimate emotional scars. Which is what marks it as abusive. Again: to me. 

Now, briefly: did Catra abuse Hordak? 

My assessment of that is a bit more difficult. It’s a little rougher, I think, because despite being a traumatized child, Catra was able to perform some heavy emotional manipulation on him, and I suppose one could argue that she causes more lasting damage by using his emotional insecurities and connection to Entrapta against him. I guess her motivations also seem to leave “self-defense” territory and wander into “using you for personal gain.” 

And in the end, he does end up forming an emotional attachment to her that leaves him distraught upon learning of her betrayal, so… hm. Hmm. I guess one could argue that she “abuses” Hordak the same way she “abuses” Scorpia and Entrapta. Perhaps. Her actions do give me a certain emotional discomfort that Hordak’s do not. So… maybe yes? I would personally classify it as some sort of abuse? Even though it distresses me to do so, because I know Catra is in pain. And it’s not the same as what Shadow Weaver does to Catra. And it’s definitely no where near the level of abuse Horde Prime visits upon Hordak. Like, not even close. 

So… yeah. It’s probably odd to read, but the way Catra harms Hordak feels stranger and more distressing than how he harms her. She’s certainly not innocent. To me. I cannot stress “to me” enough.

I suppose, to close this off, what I think of Hordak’s actions toward Catra is less “abuse” and more “assault.” He physically hurts her, because he is a bad man with leadership skills steeped in brutality, but it never goes beyond that. It doesn’t cross that line for me. That line is hard to define, of course, but I’ve tried to compare the Hordak/Catra situation to the Shadow Weaver/Catra situation to give you a better idea of where it lies for me. Catra’s actions toward Hordak are a little more difficult because of course she’s so young and so hurt, but they do feel different to me, enough so that I think they cross that odd line into abusive. But only just, I think.

My verdict: Hordak doesn’t abuse Catra so much as he assaults her, and Catra does some sort of weird emotional-manipulation-pseudo-abuse thing to Hordak that disturbs me, but it’s weird because he’s evil-man Hordak, and she’s a damaged child, so I get how odd that sounds. *sigh*  

actually I have a masterpost on that if you’re interested

So: that’s my answer, take it as you will. I accept all comments and angry screeching, so feel free!