#what if love was soul-crushing & world-altering but also quiet

[arggghhhsstuff]

— sirius & remus

remus with a picture of sirius in his wallet. he never took it out, even when they fought. it stays there; hidden from prying eyes but close to him. when he's had too much to drink he gets it out and stares at it for hours. his phone wallpaper is also sirius; he says it's so sirius is with him wherever he goes. says it's for luck. they're old fashioned and disgustingly in love bye

[anthonysstupiddailyblog]

Anthony’s Stupid Daily Blog (341): Tue 21st Feb 2023

I watched a few clips of the American kids show Mr Rogers Neighbourhood as I’d never seen it before and being British I don’t think it would have been available to watch without getting tapes sent over from the US. The episode I watched took place the week after Robert Kennedy was killed and it features the sidekick of the show Lady Aberlin consoling a concerned puppet and it’s damn creepy. It starts off quite melancholy, spending a minute on the puppet asking Lady Aberlin how humans don’t shrink down when we exhale but balloons do when you let the air out of them. Then after a five second pause the puppet asked nervously “what does assassination mean?”. The music goes much more downbeat and Lady Aberlin struggles to gather herself after being asked such a sensitive question by someone so vulnerable. She then explains it to him but there’s no positive spin out on it at the end the two just sit awkwardly. The puppet processing what it has just been told and Lady Aberlin goes quiet presumably concerned about if she handled the situation sensitively enough. I always wonder how I would explain death to my kids if I had any (which I never will because bringing kids into the world and forcing them to rely on me to keep them save would frankly be cruel). I wouldn’t know whether to tell them about the idea of heaven because I personally don’t believe in it but I also wouldn’t want to introduce them to the idea that they will never see the person who has died ever again. I tried to think about how the topic of death was brought up to me by my parents. I can’t say I remember them telling me about heaven and the afterlife but up until I was about 13 I definitely believed in it. In fact I remember going through a bit of a mental crisis when I was that age because I realized that the idea of never being able to die would be absolutely terrifying and could be just as bad as going to Hell. I think maybe one of my school friends may have mentioned that they were an atheist and I said I was too in order to seem cool but eventually came to the realization that I actually no longer thought there was an afterlife. There’s a Twilight Zone episode where whenever somebody dies the fabric of time and reality gets altered so that their history is completely erased from existence. This would take away all of the pain but it would also take a lot of the joy out of life too because grief, although tough to go though is also reaffirming because it proves to you how much you must have loved the person you lost. Maybe the correct way to explain death to kids is to explain to them that some people believe in an afterlife and some think that there’s nothing after death and leave it up to them to do the research and come to their own conclusion. Thankfully I’ll never have to go through this soul crushing experience sometimes I think that if there is a God, then when he saw just how much suffering and trauma goes with sentient life then he would have realized it would have been kinder to not create us at all. On a lighter note I learned that the actress who played Lady Aberlin was a woman named Betty Aberlin and was actually George A Romero’s first choice to play Barbara in Night of the Living Dead but Mr Rogers wouldn’t allow it. That would have been awkward if she had been in the movie and some kids saw it and then when they next tuned in to Mr Roger’s Neighbourhood and Lady Aberlin walked on the screen they’d runout of the room screaming “AAH Zombie!”

[matan4il]

I think one of my favorite things about Buddie is how Eddie has to tease him. He's literally the definition of pulling a pony tale. But especially when he is being vulnerable like the skateboard talk. Like I'm baring my soul but also your immature Buck said with love. And the way Buck always just smiles and let's him do it. Also interesting how you made me remember he had that Jim Abbott story in his back pocket like he knew one day he would need it.

It reminds me of Treasure Hunt though because I remember watching that live when I had an ohhh moment about him and the fact he was genuinely bummed Buck wouldn't choose him to "pal around with" in hindsight it was that episode that I don't know marked the way the writers altered their behavior towards each other. Even that small scene when they walk into the party and I never realized how much Eddie seemed to be stealing himself to walk in.

I honestly hope I'm not over romanticizing the direction but it really does feel like choices were made. Especially in having them not share spaces in their homes till the end of 5b.

Hi Nonnie!

OMG, yes! So much this. I wrote in the past about how their dynamic is so often that Eddie teases and Buck responds with quiet heart eyes. On some level, I'm sure he gets that this IS Eddie pulling his pony tail, trying to show his affection by showering Buck with his attention. Eddie teases Buck in a way that he doesn't tease any of his other teammates, this isn't platonic colleagues-and-friends behavior, this is something uniquely reserved for Buck, and even if Buck doesn't have a grasp on exactly what it means, on some level he knows he's the center of Eddie's attention, and I think he secretly thrives on it, 'coz he can feel the underlying love.

Oh yeah! I can't remember where it was that I wrote something about this, I thought it was in the 312 meta, but apparently not... Though funnily enough, you can see that at the end of 312, I already pointed out that the whole way Buck and Ana are juxtaposed shows him as the better suited partner for Eddie. Anyway, somewhere (maybe an ask reply?) I know I wrote that Buck might have actually picked up the book about Jim Abbott with the intention of not only inspiring himself to overcome his injury from the bomb, but also to have something to help them handle challenges that might come up with Chris. What I mean is, I could see himself picking Abbott's book to read with Chris being present somewhere in the back of his mind. So of course he kept that info there for a rainy day, when they would need it. Because he's Christopher's other dad, simple as.

Without a doubt, 412 was a moment when Eddie was non-verbally expressing his disappointment to discover that his battlefield boyfriend was... playing in other fields. But honestly, he’s so adorable in how he expresses it? Almost like he’s trying to shrug it off, but he can’t quite do that? But he also doesn’t look full on crushed, so it’s as if on some level, he knows this can’t be right, the universe has just served out of its lane for a second, but it would correct itself in a moment. Which is EXACTLY what happens. And it happens BECAUSE Buck could clearly see Eddie’s disappointment. THEY ARE husbands. THEY ARE soulmates. THEY ARE linked at their very core. I AM... And yes, Eddie did ready himself for the welcome home party in 414. I don’t think he likes being the center of attention, and I also imagine that returning from the hospital, knowing Ana would be there, wasn’t fun for him. So it’s extra significant that he still ends up looking overjoyed. When? When the frame captures him with Chris, and Buck, who was right by Eddie’s side when he was mentally readying himself for this, Buck who’s looking at the two of them and is bursting at the seams with joy. In what world are they not a family? I think the point is that whether Buddie ever goes canon or not, they ARE a family, and they ARE soulmates, and they SHOULD be together. And writer worth anything would let the buildup progress to its natural conclusion, meaning Buddie SHOULD go canon. You’re not over romanticizing anything, Nonnie.

Hope you have a good day and thank you so much for this ask! xoxox

(If you're looking for my ask replies, here is my ask tag! xoxox)

[fate-bound-in-crystal]

Twin Stars Bound in Crystal

Here are some information on Ziero and Zeryde, my current Warrior of Lights, and 'twin' Azems (in which the seat of Azem was held by two ancients and the stone split in half).

They exist in a canon-adjacent timeline that follows the MSQ almost exactly, with some alterations (mostly that Estinien's dragonblood is woken up by Nidhogg possessing him and changes him physically)

Ziero Gahjewesfv - Gleaner of Light

A Veena from Sharlayan in his early thirties who just wanted a simple life, damnit. When Ziero was sent out on a gleaner mission, he did not expect to take several years to go home to Sharlayan.

Dutiful to a fault, Ziero is a caring man who falls hard for those who look at him like he's the sun in their sky. He often tries to bottle up his anger and frustration, until his darkside rises and he explodes in rage. He also believes he's cursed with killing his lovers; his lovers keep dying off on him and he's very sick of it.

First Encounter With the Scions: Post Killing Ifrit

Notable Relationships:

Zeryde Azdaj: Found family, something more than 'adoptive sister'

Alphinaud: Found family, little brother who he's very proud of

Alisiae: Found family, little feisty sister that is helping him dabble in magic again

G'raha Tia: Ex-crush/bedfellow, fucker who LOCKED HIMSELF IN A TOWER AND THEN TRIED TO SACRIFICE HIMSELF. AGAIN.

Haurcefaunt Fortemps: Ex-boyfriend/support network, GODS DAMNIT WHY DO MY BOYFRIENDS KEEP DYING

Notable Storybeats:

Meets Zeryde mid Titan fight

G'raha's sacrifice almost breaks him, but Ryde keeps him sane

He becomes very protective of Alphinaud during Heavensward

Haurcefaunt is sort of a rebound relationship that affects him VERY hard

He takes up dark knight post Vault

Ziero handles most of getting Hraesvelgr to fight Nidhog while Ryde is kidnapped by said dragon

He forces himself to keep Hien at arms length bc he's sure that Hien will die if he gets with him (yes, he thinks he's cursed)

Alisiae starts teaching him red magic once she's well enough

Ziero takes the brunt of the light corruption, and Ardbert is one of his shards

Primary Classes: DRK, RDMish

Formerly: SCH, SMN

Non IC Classes: WHM

Currently IC: G'RAHA TIA I SWEAR TO FUCK--- ALSO ELIDIBUS FUCK OFF

Currently in-game: Shadowbringers patch content, currently dealing with Elidibus.

tags: #gleaner of light

---

Zeryde Azdaj - Scalebound in Light

A monk of the Radiant Host, and unwitting spy for her shatrap in Eorzea. An ancient Allagan experiment long put in stasis, Zeryde isn't exactly sure when she 'woke up', and generally will tell you she's around 20 to 25 summers in age. She is sent to Eorzea to 'learn and grow' and stumbles into the limelight almost by accident during an Adventure Society mission in Outer La Nosaea.

Ryde is stoic and quiet for the most part, keeping her desires and wants to herself. Overtime she learns to open up, and becomes aware that she's incredibly naive to the way the world works. She can be jealous and greedy when she lets her baser instincts take over, and absolutely vicious in combat. Estinien is the one outlier, the who seems to be able to read her at all times and brings out something primal in her soul.

First Encounter With the Scions: Mid Titan fight, quite literally

Notable Relationships:

Ziero Gahjewesfv: Found family, more than a brother though she's not really sure 'what' they are, really

Alisiae: Found family, will protect with her life, kinda has a thing for her

Alphinaud: Found family, also will protect with her life, has less of a thing for him than his sister

Estinien Wyrmblood: It's... complicated. They're bound together in a way she can't explain, and he awakens something in her blood that roars for his presence.

Haurchefaunt Fortemps: She loved him, though tried to not get in the way of him and Ziero's relationship. Until he made the first move.

Notable Storybeats:

Meets Ziero and the Scions mid Titan fight

She encounters Estinien one evening on a walk in Corthes while they're dealing with the heretics (he pins her in the snow, all snarls and sharp edges, and all she can say is "by the twelve you're gorgeous")(yes that one scene from princess monoke)

She finds G'raha mildly annoying, but is amused with how enamored he is with both her and Ziero

Midgarsomrs' blocking access to her blessing actually wakes up her blood -more-

The Crystal Braves' betrayal comes at no surprise to her, and while she's furious with Alphinaud for his naivete, she also can't fault him for it (bc she's naive too)

She falls HARD for Haurchefaunt but keeps it to herself for moons

Traveling with Estinien is a whole experience for her

Nidhogg kidnaps her when he over takes Estinien and she essentially is his prisoner for most of the post HW story

Nidhogg - and by extension Estinien - lay claim to her and awaken her dragonblood

Estinien going AWOL does not help her as they go into Ala Mhigo and Doma

Being shunted through time and space ALSO DOES NOT HELP. Raha summoning her into the First breaks the soul bond between herself, Estinien and the reminants of Nidhog inside Estinien

In doing so, she ends up rejoining with her shard from the 13th, and goes reaper/monk

Her voidscent manifests as her dragon half

Her voidsent is a sassy little dragon

Primary Classes: MNK, RPR

Formerly:

Non IC Classes:

Currently IC: There's a lot of brooding going on and she is sticking close to Ziero as they try to bring their friends home. She was notably absent when Estinien did his check in

Currently in-game: ARR, lead into Titan

tags: #scalebound in light

---

Other WoLs that are being played on an off:

Kakaji Kaji - Shortstack

Smol popoto who stabs with a spear bigger than she is. Not sure where she fits in or if she's in a different AU yet. But she's got purple and white hair in a punky undercut

---

Retired, more or less:

Arym Neim'leif: Tbf she's just stuck at the lead into to Ultima Thule but I haven't had a muse for her in a year

W'eleneill Bernd: I have a complicated relationship with her and her FFXIV character, and she's happy to sit on her island retreat with her giant wolf. I haven't even done recent patch content with her, though will probably revive her briefly to go through the next expansion (as one does)

---

LAST UPDATED: April 11, 2024

[writer-akihiko]

TWST Dorm Leaders + Singer!MC

So MC sings and what else to sing than Disney songs? Enjoy a romantic endeavor with your beloved dorm leaders! Covers are linked to the song name! Thank you to my child @cursedtwst for helping me with song choices. 

Rest of the dorm leaders under the cut. 

Malleus Draconia - Once Upon A Dream (Belle)

When he found out that you used to sing in your world, he wanted to hear you sing. He was quiet about it, not wanting to pressure you and especially not to remind you that you have somewhere to go back. Oh no, he had to keep his precious child of man here.

He brought you to his favourite hiding spot, surrounded by flowers in an empty field for a picnic. His close friends also came, bringing the foods and entertainment.

You actually had suggested the picnic to cheer up your Tsunotarou since he was quite sad. He was again not invited to a party at the Mostro Lounge.

You had your own selfish reasons for making a picnic… You planned to confess through singing. Lilia quickly caught on, making an agreement to handle the other two as you get together with Malleus.

You pretended to wander off, tossing away your slippers. Knowing the overprotective little dark fae, he'd follow you anyway.

You twirled around, humming to the tune. "I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream…"

Malleus, who had been watching you intently, was thrown off by your singing. So this is how his precious human sounded…

"I know you, that look in your eyes is so familiar a gleam,"  You clutched your hands to your heart, pouring your soul into your tune. "Yet I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem…"

Malleus reddened at the selfish thought that the song was meant for him. The lyrics only made him adore you more than ever.

"But if I know you, I know what you'll do," You turned to the Prince himself, pulling him out of his hiding place. "You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream…"

As you hummed the bridge, you took his hand in yours and swayed together, laughing in song seeing how much he towered you.

Malleus was too stunned for words. His angel here was singing to him. What more could he ask for?

"I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream…"

He grasped your hand, feeling how small your hand was against his.

"I know you, that gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam,"  You brought your hand to his cheek moving away the hairs that shielded his beautiful coloured eyes from you. "Yet I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem…"

"But if I know you, I know what you'll do… You'll love me at once, the way you did…

Once upon a dream."

You hugged the larger fae, nuzzling your head into his chest. "I like you Malleus."

He couldn't restrain himself, picking you up and staring into your eyes as you did to his. You could see the blush that ran rampant on his cheeks, as his eyes panicked on what to do.

You kissed his cheek, him understanding it as a kiss of acceptance.

"Oh how romantic! Maybe I should take this to Cater to edit! It'll be viral!" Lilia's voice brought the attention of the loving couple.

Well, the picnic ended peacefully, save for the embarrassed screams of the Prince as he yells at his caretaker.

Riddle Rosehearts - Alice (Bruna Wesch)

Ace and Deuce found out you were singing to yourself with your precious guitar in the Ramshackle dorm alone. These two insisted that the next unbirthday they throw, you should definitely sing.

You seriously thought they were joking.

Ace stole your guitar from your room and here you were, about to sing in front of Riddle. It wasn't that you were scared no… It was just that your daft friends couldn’t understand the goosebumps you get at the thought of singing in front of your crush!

Ace and Deuce looked at you eagerly, presenting you your guitar. Cater already has his phone out, preparing to take a video.

You snatched your guitar out, deciding to just go with it. It's not like you have to confess or anything…

Riddle's stare at you made you tense up. Has he been looking at you this whole time? He kinda looks pissed… You decided to get on with it.

You start strumming, letting yourself relax, "Trippin' out, spinnin' around… I'm underground, I fell down… Yeah, I fell down…"

Your tone of voice surprised Rosehearts' audience. Starting to feel more comfortable, you raise your voice a little.

"I'm freakin' out; So where am I now? Upside down, and I can't stop it now…"  You stopped strumming. "It can't stop me now.. Oh~"

Riddle this whole time was impressed. Impressed was an understatement. He felt himself become more and more enchanted with every emotion as you sing it out loud.

"I~ I'll get by,"

"I~ I'll survive…"

Your strumming quickened, "When the world's crashin' down, when I fall and hit the ground, I will turn myself around; Don't you try to stop it! I~ I won't cry…"

You completely immersed yourself in the music, enjoying your guitar and the atmosphere, letting your head nod to the tunes.

"I found myself… in Wonderland…"

"Get back on… my feet again…"

"Is this real? Is it pretend?"

"I'll take a stand… until the end!"

Riddle felt the words flow through him…

As the final strums of the song vibrated through your fingertips, you finished your song.

They got up, applauding you. Riddle got up from his high throne, taking your hand in his.

"…Come and sing for me again please."

Well, here goes nothing.

You nodded, pecking the Queen of Hearts on the cheek before running off with your guitar.

"H-HOW RUDE! COME HERE SO I CAN RETURN THE FAVOUR!"

Oh silly Riddle… That's why YN fell for you in the first place.

Kalim Al-Asim - A Whole New World (Emma Heesters + Dan Berk)

Kalim just knew it! You were a singer! His princess was unfortunately too shy to sing a tune. He couldn't settle for this! If you can't sing alone, then he'll sing with you!

Kalim had arranged a sort of music night at the Mostro Lounge. He convinced you that it was a simple date night but you didn’t expect Jade Leech to announce you two as the next performers.

He gripped your hand, smiling at you. Your nervous self calmed down,  repeatedly telling yourself that Kalim was next to you.

The soft melody started and so did Kalim, "I can show you the world… shining, shimmering, splendid~"  He smiled at you, extending a hand. "Now tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?"

He pulled you close, "I can open your eyes… Take you wonder by wonder~ Over, sideways and under on a magic carpet ride~"

Kalim held your hand, twirling you around. His melodious voice made you blush, wondering how on earth did you ever date someone like him.

"A whole new world~ A new fantastic point of view…" He sung out, always looking at you. "No one to tell us, "no" or where to go, or say we're only dreaming~"

Gathering your courage, you took the microphone and joined Kalim in the chorus.

"A whole new world…. A dazzling place I never knew,"  You continued.  "But when I'm way up here, it's crystal clear that now I'm in a whole new world with you…"

"Now I'm in a whole new world with you…" Kalim sung after. His face turned red hearing his princess sing. Oh lovely you looked right now…

"Unbelievable sights… Indescribable feeling,"  You held Kalim's hand. "Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling through an endless diamond sky~"

As you two sung through another chorus, you felt as if it was only the two of you there. Together…

"I'll chase them anywhere,"

"There's time to spare!"

"Let me share this whole new world with you…"

As the final notes of the song fell through, you and Kalim stared into each other's eyes, enjoying the magical bond that kept you glued to each other.

"For you and… me…"

The romantic moment was interrupted by the applause that the Lounge attendees thought that was well deserved. Kalim laughed, holding you up by your waist. "That was lovely my princess!"

Azul Ashengrotto - Part of Your World (Halsey)

[Lyrics were altered to suit the scenario]

After many days of insisting Azul to take you to the ocean, he gave in. Your puppy eyes made him give in. He did bring you to swim with him and the twins. He however, never transformed in front of you. You were as curious as ever, a little saddened that he didn't feel beautiful in front of you.

Jade told you that Azul wanted some time to swim in his octopus form for a bit. You watched as Jade and Floyd swum in the deeper water; too deep for your human self.

Instead you climbed on an overhanging rock, watching the twins swim. You decided to sing… after all Azul won't hear you…

"I wanna be where his people are…"  You hummed out, "I wanna see, wanna see 'em swimmin'… Flippin' around in the waters~"

Floyd heard you from afar, smirking to himself. Oh, Azul you made Shrimpy a little sad siren~

"Movin' your feet you don't get too far! Fins are required for swimmin', flippin',"  You joked to yourself. "Swimmin' along down a — what's that word again? – stream~"

You sighed, singing your thoughts out, "Down where they swim, down where they play, own where they stay all day undersea~"

"Wanderin' free…"

"Wish I could be…"

"Part of his world…"

"YN?!"

There Azul Ashengrotto was, red in the face, staring you up on that rock in an adorable octopus form…

"Azul?..."

You blushed, thinking about how long Azul had been there and probably how much he heard. From behind you, the twins grinned sinisterly as they lifted you up and tossed you into the ocean.

You screamed, but weren't covered in water as you assumed. Azul's soft but firm tentacles had caught you on instinct as he brought you down to face him properly.

"Um… I… liked you singing," He said, unsure how to approach the situation of the Leech twins literally throwing his crush into his arms.

"A-Azul… your… tentacle," You stammered, squirming in his tentacles.

He let go of you, settling you in the shallow waters.

The twins frowned, seeing how their plan didn't work too well. Oh well, there's always next time.

Idia Shroud - I Won't Say I'm in Love (Brittany J Smith)

When shy Idia, your crush, asked you to help you with his experiment, you could not say yes any faster.

Ace, Grim and Deuce kept teasing you on how quickly you agreed, not letting it down and even dragging Ortho with them too. This left you to be quite the tsundere.

You huffed at your friends, "If there's a prize for rotten judgement, I guess I've already won that…"  You sauntered away, crossing your arms. "No man is worth the aggravation… That's ancient history, been there, done that!"

The four joined in chorus, smiling at your denial, "Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'? He's the Earth and heaven to you~

"Try to keep it hidden? Honey, we can see right through you~"

"Girl, ya can't conceal it! We know how ya feel and who you're thinking of~"

"No chance, no way! I won't say it, no, no!"  You shook your head.

"You swoon, you sigh, why deny it, uh-oh!"  The quartet made love hearts with their fingers, surrounding you.

"It's too cliché!"  You retorted. "I won't say I'm in love!"

You walked through the gardens, unaware that Idia had settled in one of the bushes, keeping an eye out for his brother who had been hanging around a weird gang.

"I thought my heart had learned its lesson… It feels so good when you start out,"  You sung out as you walked around, catching Idia's attention. "My head is screaming get a grip, girl! Unless you're dying to cry your heart out~ Oh no!"

Idia turned to the three idiots who were dancing around you with his brother.

"You keep on denying who you are and how you're feeling-"

"Baby, we're not buying! Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling!"

"Face it like a grown-up. When ya gonna own up that ya got, got, got it bad?!"

"Give up, give in! Check the grin you're in love~"

Idia peaked out at you shaking your head and throwing your arms into X's. Your singing somehow calmed him despite you were retorting the idiot trio's claims.

"No chance, no way! I won't say it, no, no,"  You sung again. 

"This scene won't play, I won't say I'm in love!"  You said again.

"You're doin flips! Read our lips. You're in love!"  Grim sat on your shoulder, dancing and chuckling at your denial.

"You're way off base,"  You said to Grim. "I won't say it!"

"Get off my case!"  You yelled at Ace and Deuce. "I won't say it!"

It didn't deter the quartet.

"Now, don't be proud. It's okay you're in love~"

"Oh, at least out loud,"  You slump down to a pillar. "I won't say I'm in love…"

Ortho spots his big brother from a distance away and mouths to him: 'She's talking about you.'

This left his pale blue complexion burning a scarlet red, as he repeated the whole song in his head that was about him.

Oh, maybe it'd take more than a song and a dance to let the true confession come.

Leona Kingscholar - Can You Feel The Love Tonight? (Landry Cantrell + Brianne Brieno)

Of course, Leona brought you back to his hometown with Jack and Ruggie in suit. As you and Leona took your evening stroll, Ruggie pulls Jack to the side, spying on you two lovebirds.

"I can see what's happening," Ruggie said.

"I can't, what?" Jack asked, bewildered.

"And they don't have a clue," Ruggie continued.

"Who's they?" Jack asked again.

"They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line," Ruggie slung his arm over Jack's shoulder. "Our trio's down to two."

"Oh, I get it."

"The sweet caress of twilight," Ruggie exaggerated.

"Yep-"

There's magic everywhere," He sighed.

"It's everywhere," Jack commented.

"And with all this romantic atmosphere," Ruggie continued. "Disaster's in the air~"

"Can you feel the love tonight? The peace the evening brings,"  The lovely couple harmonised together.

You had been teaching Leona how to sing every time he'd take a nap on you.

"The world, for once, in perfect harmony with all its living things~"

"So many things to tell her…"  Leona sings to himself, pulling out a ring from his pocket. "But how to make her see… the truth about my past? Impossible! She'd turn away from me…"

You took a look at Leona who walked ahead, "He's holding back, he's hiding… But what? I can't decide… Why won't he be the king I know he is?"  You thought about Farena's talk. "The king I see inside?"

"Can you feel the love tonight? The peace the evening brings?"

Leona slowed down, taking you near him to twirl you across the gardens.

"The world, for once, in perfect harmony with all its living things…"

You brought the lion's forehead to touch yours, comforting him in a way he'd never felt.

"Can you feel the love tonight? You needn't look too far…"  The couple basked in each other's warmth, finding comfort in each other.

"Stealing through the night's uncertainties… Love is where they are~"

"And if he falls in love tonight…" Ruggie sniffled. "It can be assumed…"

"His carefree days with us are history," Jack added on.

"In short, our pal is… doomed!"

Later that night, before you rested in your sheets, Leona took the ring out, getting down on a knee.

The rest is history as they say.

Vil Schoenheit - I'm Wishing (Sierra Nelson)

You had stayed over at the Pomefiore dorm to… in simple words… observe your beautiful crush, Vil Schoenheit.

The little fluffy bunny Epel and you rescued from Rook's clutches cuddle into your arms as you sigh forlornly, near Vil's newly installed fountain.

"Want to hear a secret?" You mischievously told the fluffy bunny.  "Promise to never tell?"

You swayed your head, singing in your soft tunes, "We are standing by a wishing well…"

"Make a wish into the well… That's all you have to do,"  You recited, practicing your voice almost. "And when you hear it echoing~ You're wish will soon come true…"

The commotion of your voice called to Vil. He was wondering what was that melodious… BEAUTIFUL… voice that interrupted his skin care routine. There he saw you, sitting so elegantly with Rook's bunny in your arms as you sung like an angel from above.

He leaned against his window, lending his ear to your song.

"I'm wishing…"  The deep fountain echoed back.

"For the one I love,"  You professed. "To find me today…"

The one you love?! Why that must be no one but him!

"I'm hoping… and I'm dreaming of,"  You sighed dreamily. "The nice things he'll say…"

"Ah~"

As the sweet sound of your voice rung out through his courtyard, he let your melody help him continue his beauty care.

The moment you finished singing, he made his way down, hugging his little songbird.

"I heard you singing for me," He whispered into your ear, kissing your ear so tenderly.

You almost dropped the poor bunny as you blushed, being kissed by the one you love. Vil brought your face closed to his, staring deeply into your eyes.

"Only a sweet voice such as yours deserves to be worshipped by a queen like me~"

[let-me-touch-your-soul]

a loveless letter

I’ve been wanting to write you a letter for years now but I just haven’t been able to formulate my thoughts into words and I never knew when would be the perfect time to write. I was waiting for us to end so I can have the whole picture to reflect on but I no longer see an end in sight for us and this letter is probably going to be very messy with no plot at all, so just bare with me for now until I can write a better, more chronological letter. And let me just preface this by saying this is in no way me putting any blame on you, this isn’t me trying to call you out and paint you as the bad guy. This is just my side of our story. 

We met when I was 4 years old, and all you were to me was my friend’s older brother, nothing more nothing less. I don’t know where exactly I crossed the line or you did, but you are no longer just that. You are now someone who stole my innocence and gave me a warped perception of this world and the word ‘love’. There is so much to say but let me try to start from the beginning. 

When we first started talking outside of family functions, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I have no perception of time so I just like to say it all started when I was 12, but I’m pretty sure it was before that. We started talking and at that time you were just some guy I was interested in; it wasn’t even remotely close to a crush yet, I was just hyped about getting some sort of attention from an older guy. Don’t know where the lines blurred but suddenly you were making sexual advances to a little girl, someone who had no idea what some of the words you were saying meant, someone who was just learning about the horrors of the world, someone who was already getting their childhood and innocence stolen from them. 

I just went along with everything you said and wanted because I didn’t want to disappoint you and didn’t want you to stop talking to me. I became obsessed with the attention you were giving me, well my body. As someone who suffered with an altered body image for as long as I can remember, I was basking in the attention you were giving to the physical parts of me, no matter how objectified and dehumanized it made me feel at times. I lied about the number of people who had touched me and about all the experiences I never had, (I was only 12 so how could you even think I had other people touching me in my most intimate places?), just so you wouldn’t think I was as innocent as I was. You made me grow up too early. 

As we kept talking, my heart slowly made its way to the surface and I caught feelings, despite us both discussing it would be ‘no strings attached’. I thought I was the only one with these flutters and I was way too embarrassed to say anything about the way I really felt so I never brought it up, I just went along with everything you said. After all, I was still just a shy little girl who had no idea what she got herself into. But then one night, you told me you loved me. I still remember that moment vividly, as if it happened just yesterday. It was the night before my first day of school (6th grade) and I was charging my phone in my parent’s bedroom, telling you goodnight, and you replied with “goodnight, love you”, and with shaking hands and a heart going a mile a minute I replied with, “goodnight, love you too”, smiling so hard my cheeks started going numb. That was the beginning of the end of me. 

Truth be told, I wasn’t even sure at that time if I really did love you, but I still said it back because I didn’t want to lose you, but after all these years I think I can safely say that somewhere along the line I did fall in love with you, with what exactly I don’t know, but I did love you. But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves, there is so much more left of this story, this is barely the beginning. 

You made me believe you loved me. We texted all day and night, meaningless conversations filled with sexual tension. You were the first boy I showed my body to, the first boy I kissed, the first boy who held me and touched me, the first boy I shed tears for, the first boy I had feelings for and said “I love you” to. 

I remember seeing you with different girls on your snap everyday and remember hearing about you from other girls you were doing the same thing to them as were doing to me, and with every girl I lost a piece of myself. Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t jealous. I knew you weren’t mine, you made that pretty clear from the beginning, and I was never the jealous type. But, I was hurt. I thought I was faulty. I couldn’t blame you, because you made it clear from the beginning that you didn’t want anything exclusive, this was all just fun for you, a passing time, so with no one to blame I blamed myself. All the other girls were much older than me, and prettier, and skinnier, so if I was just prettier and as skinny as them maybe you would show me more attention right? I started changing myself. I ate less and threw up more. I started wearing tighter clothes and starting drinking and smoking, because that would make me more cooler and desirable right? Wrong. You still looked at other girls, and I couldn’t change myself anymore, I was on the brink of losing myself, love. All for you. But you never noticed. You never cared enough to know. 

I remember getting drunk one night and texting you that I loved you but felt as if you didn’t love me. Do you remember that? You replied back in the morning saying you did love me. It was all baseless though. It was very clear you only said that to not be painted as the bad guy, but I still took your word for it and never brought it up again, and neither did you. I think that was the last time the word “love” was uttered between us. Did I ruin it? 

I also can’t help but bring up how all our conversations happened within apps that couldn’t be seen by others unless specifically searched for. After all, who would even believe you were talking to lil ole me. Were you ashamed of me? Embarrassed to be seen talking to me? Well thats exactly what it seemed like. You made it very clear we were to be kept a secret, not a single soul should know you were talking to me. So I kept quiet. Didn’t tell a single soul about the boy who held my heart and crushed it along with my innocence. 

I tried to distance myself from you. I wouldn’t answer your texts, but at times my longing got the best of me and I couldn’t stop myself from responding back to you. We would go months without any contact and every time it was you who would hit me up first and I would lose the battle within me and respond and we would be back to square one, texting as if nothing changed between us. I think I found comfort in that familiarity of knowing exactly what to expect when talking to you. Our dynamic never really changed over the years, did it? I still can’t decide if thats a bad thing or a good thing. 

I tried to move on from you, I really did. But no one, nothing, lasted and I always ended up going back to you one way or another. I tried to fill the hole you left in me with drugs and drinks and boys who also only wanted me for my body. After all, that was all I knew. I didn't know love outside of what I could offer with my body. You taught me I wasn’t anything beyond my body and I never stopped to question it, and sometimes I still regress back to that little girls mind, and I’m still forced to exist in the body I destroyed for you, in the body I still let you use from time to time.

There are times when I think I am completely over you and nothing you do affects me anymore but then you text me again and all the feelings I had for you over the years come rushing back and I feel like I’m 13 all over again falling head over heels in love with you. But honestly, I think I just find comfort in the familiarity of you. We’ve been in this push and pull situationship (what else is there call us?) for I think over 6 years now, and I’ve honestly just come to accept that it probably won’t be a solid ending to this anytime soon. I tried so hard to end it and move and forget about you, but the truth is that I am too weak when it comes to you. Now, I have no idea whatsoever why you keep coming back to me when there are so many other better prospects out there for you and I try not to think too deep into it because I don’t want to create false hope and hurt myself any more than I already have. I gave you all my teenage years, and I am still giving them you. We grew up with each other and these years are just something neither of us can take back and I’ve come to just accept this and try to live with knowing there will never be anything more to us, no matter how hard that acceptance is for me. 

I told myself that going away to college was going to be a fresh new beginning for me and that I would completely cut you off. We all know that didn’t go as planned. I had sex with you for the first time this summer. Did you know that was my first time lol? Yeah I literally have never had anyone touch me like that except for you. I don’t think I can ever come clean about that to you because that’s just too much power in your hands over me with that information. I’m sorry for lying and making you think I was more experienced than I actually was, but I guess now you know why I did it. 

I think for me to be able to fully move I would need to hear your side of everything from you. But I don’t know if I’ll ever get the closure I need directly form you so I guess this is why I’m writing this, as a way to get some type of closure for myself. I never plan on telling you any of this because being vulnerable is just not something I have in me, especially to you, so I guess we both will just be living in the dark about this without any answers for the rest of our lives. 

Sometimes, and I know this sounds hilarious and dumb, I wonder what the future holds for us. I wonder if we met at a different point in our lives, where we were both older and wiser, would we have been able to be more than what we are now, whatever we are now. I’ve held feelings for you inside of me for so long I really don’t think it will ever go away; I’m just going to have to find a way to live with them for the rest of my life. I just want to end this by letting you know that if you ever change your mind about me and us, and want there to actually be an ‘us’ exclusively, I will say yes to you without hesitation. You hold pieces of me I will never get back, pieces I don’t even know if I want back, and I don’t think if I will ever be able to devote myself so someone else with the same intensity I devoted myself to you. I used to be able to see a future with you, and I would like to blame that on my naive, young brain. Thank you for teaching me that not everyone who comes into my life will reciprocate the same feelings as me and that love is only a figment of one’s imagination. I sincerely hope you never feel what I felt and that you find someone who loves you back the same way you love them. I hope you are happy and content with wherever you end up in life, just don’t forget me. :)

[rosethornewrites]

T and G rated fics I read this weekend!

This is all The Untamed/MDZS fics.

So I learned last week that I can only add 100 links. And I read over 100 fics 😬 so now this is gonna be two posts. Additionally, I’ll likely start posting these daily from now on. It just gets to be a lot.

Finished:

Tumblr Fics:

BEETOBER 2021 DAY 2 - EARRING, by @bloody-bee-tea

Rated T:

find a home in him, by makebelieveanything and nerdzeword

“Come on a-Cheng, let’s go,” she prodded, gently ushering him out the door as she handed off jackets to both boys.

“Why the fuck is he always doing stupid shit and making us run after him for?” Jiang Cheng complained as he shrugged into his jacket, Lan Wangji donning his own in silence.

“Wangji?” Yanli prodded gently. “Are you alright?”

“... what if we never find him?”

“We will,” Yanli said confidently.

or Modern AU where Wei Wuxian runs away from his foster home when he turns 18, and it doesn't end the way he planned.

My Brother's Keeper - Purple Years (The first stage of grief), by ArchiveWriter

Set after WWX plunges from the cliff after the battle at Nightless City. The ramblings of Jiang Cheng's mind in the first stage of grief, flicking back and forth between the past and then.

thank you, drunk me, by carmiemaybe (glazedlilies)

Or where Lan Zhan is confused at Wei Ying's behaviour after the previous, drunken night's events.

This Grave Will Not Be Mine, by Rana Eros (ranalore)

The Burial Mounds' claim to Wei Wuxian has been superceded.

Qinghe Jue, by Merinnan

Nie Mingjue promised to protect his brother. He wasn't going to let qi deviating and dying at Jinlintai stop him from keeping that promise.

With What Proof, by Preludian_Staves

"I know he did it!"

"What proof do you have?"

Meeting the Family, by sami (part of a series)

Wei Wuxian has a secret.

I’ll stick to my single-log bridge till it’s dark, by autumncolour

Can’t anyone give me a nice, favorable road to walk on?

Lan Wangji leaves the Burial Mounds. Wei Wuxian gets drunk. The night in Yiling is clear and dark, and full of thick, half-understood longing.

Love Me on the Sunlit Grass, by Eliza (second in a series)

Zizhen will always be there when Jin Ling calls in a panic about his uncle.

the mutability of survival, by tunnelOFdawn

All the ways Lan Zhan, Wei Ying, and Jiang Cheng could have died in canon.

i'll keep walking, by justdoityoufucker

Wen Qing died.

This, she knows; from the painful lick of flames to the unavoidable choking that came with the smoke to the wickedly satisfied grin on Jin Guangshan’s face before she closed her eyes the last time. She hoped, those last few moments, that it would be the end. Wei Wuxian would be free, and the last remnants of their family would be safe. She hoped that Wen Ning wouldn’t feel any pain, when the time came for him to follow her.

-

Or, the one where Wen Qing ends up in the past and fixes the future.

Rated G:

天涯之外 / beyond the world's end, by yuer (vintageblueskies)

"Wei Ying," Lan Wangji says, his voice cracks open in a way Wei Wuxian has never heard before. He crosses over to where Wei Wuxian is still sitting; Wei Wuxian starts to scramble up, but Lan Wangji just shakes his head, gets to his knees next to him. And isn't that something? The untouchable Hanguang-jun on his knees in the Burial Mounds, dirtying his pristine robes to sit next to Wei Wuxian.

-

or, lan wangji returns to the burial mounds

Song of My Heart, Mate of My Soul, by SakuraKage

The Gusu Lan are said to have an innate connection with music. The Gusu Lan are also said to love deeply – with their whole soul – so deeply that they seem to only be able to fall in love once.

Lan Wangji knows these rumours. He also knows the truth, or close to it, as it has been handed down through the generations. Their connection to music runs far deeper than the other sects could dream. Every Lan heart contains a song, a musical piece that encapsulates the very fiber of their being, and it only comes to life under a specific set of circumstances. The parameters to unlock your heartsong are highly disputed, but the generally accepted condition to fill is … to meet your soulmate.

see your face, hear my voice in the dark, by arypls

Wei Wuxian is having trouble falling asleep but Lan Wangji is there with gentle words and soothing touches to show his husband he's no longer alone.

If I knew what safety looked like, by askanis

Beautiful, brave Wei Ying is waiting for Lan Zhan to tell her she cannot be all of who she is. She will listen, if Lan Zhan says this. If Lan Zhan even looks uncomfortable, Wei Ying will take this back and never mention it again. Will pretend that this is not her truth, perhaps until she believes it herself.

And Lan Zhan will never get to fully see Wei Ying for who Wei Ying is.

underneath the magnolias, by krizzlesandblues

Summer in Cloud Recesses means iced fruits sent by merchants, more practical trainings for juniors, with some of them catching up on their lessons.

But for the youngest members of GusuLan Sect, summer means classes under the big magnolia tree.

Word Up, Talk the Talk, by Larryissocute

It wouldn’t have been a problem (it really wouldn’t) if they weren’t best friends. Wei Wuxian doesn’t know what good deeds he did in his past life to be blessed with Lan Wangji as a friend nor does he know what evil things he did to be cursed with being only a friend to Lan Wangji.

Or the one where Wei Wuxian kisses Lan Wangji and then runs away.

Hai Shi — Sleeping Hours, by Saint Er (wwxsays_er)

It's right before bedtime, when a drunk Wei Wuxian shows up on Lan Wangji's door, and suddenly, this has now become Lan Wangji's problem.

In the Silence, by XianleDianxia

With his husband and son on a night hunt, Wei Wuxian is left to his own thoughts. His temperament is not as calm as Lan Wangji would like it to be.

intervention (how to convince your very gay brother that he, is in fact, gay), by okok29

"You guys hold hands all the time around campus and he takes you out to brunch every Saturday. He even brings you roses," Jiang Cheng emphasizes.

"Yeah, as bros do!" Wei Ying says cheerfully.

jiang cheng tries to forcibly drag wei ying out of the closet.

No Regrets, by Sarehz

Lan Zhan gives his forehead ribbon to Wei Wuxian as a sign of his love.

Look Down to Reminisce About My Hometown, by Nadat (one-shot series)

A collection of short stories following a Promptember list; will add tags and alter the rating as appropriate. It will be mostly live action show canon but I may borrow here and there from the book if something strikes me.

jin ling's uncles and aunts, by saheeli

jin zixuan invites all of jin ling's uncles and aunts to his birthday party. there are more than he even thought possible.

Helianthus, by tinykira

"Say, Lan Zhan. Do you know that when people die, they become plants?"

~

The Jingshi, which was formerly called as The Gentian House, is now also full of sunflowers.

Magical Marriage Ribbons, by starandrea

But consider this: the Lan forehead ribbons are magical, and the mountain knows it. (It takes Wei Ying less than a day after Lan Yi’s cave to realize more than just her wards consider him family.)

Or: If you’re accidentally betrothed to your classmate in a mostly legitimate life or death situation, how long can you wait to tell him before he finds out by accident?

their mothers sons, by silversshadow

In one world Jiang Fengmian gave Wei Ying more attention than he did either of his own children. In this world he can barely look at the child.

A series of short looks into a different timeline.

You blow me away, by silverclaw

Lan Zhan’s neighbour is playing a song that has been stuck in his head for ages. The neighbour just so happens to be the singer of said song and he’s supposedly laying low.

Echo Of My Heart, by ColdBloodedReptile

A short insight of Lan Wangji's thoughts during Dafan Mountain, CQL version.

And the scene in Jingshi before Wei Wuxian wakes ft Lan Sizhui.

A new score, by Lhaewiel

Wei Wuxian does not know this new score. It is evening, Gusu looks like a painting during this time of the year, with snow slowly falling down and covering the court outside.

Parallel Lines, by Sarehz

Wei Ying: Lan Zhan is going to break up with me!

Nie Huaisang: No, he's not. But please tell me in great detail why you think that.

Jiang Cheng: [Unfortunately sharing an apartment with Nie Huaisang and therefore has no choice but to listen] Please leave me out of this.

Why Wei Ying Shouldn’t Matchmake, by PrinceJakeFireCake

Lan Wangji is NOT jealous of Jiang Cheng. He’s just trying to figure out why Wei Ying likes him so much. Wei Ying thinks it’s great that Lan Zhan has a crush on his brother. (Hint: he does not)

to home, by Guinny (4 chapters)

'My Wei Ying,

It seems that we are winning the war. Wait for me. I will come home. I will come home to you. We will spend the rest of our lives in peace. Far from all of this. In a place that is quiet and there's only us.

Yours,

Lan Zhan.’

if you love him, never let go, by cloud_wanderer

three times lan wangji let go, and the one time he swore to never do it again

Hard to forget, by Lucky_Moonly

“Aiya sorry for interrupting what must be a very interesting read,” a boy who seemed to be a first year as well, cheekily exclaimed, before he smiled widely at Lan Wangji and he stepped inside the compartment. “But did you perchance see my pet axolotl? He’s black and he’s missing one of his front legs!”

in sickness & in flames, by talesfromthecryptid (2 chapters)

the one in which lan wangji has a cold and wei wuxian fusses over him and falls even more in love with him, something he didn't even know was possible but oh, it really is.

learning and the dead, by northofallmusic (tofsla)

In a small house of his own, after everything, Wen Ning works with his hands.

Unpredictable, by canis_m

If Lan Wangji had said a few more things while drunk in Qinghe.

Waited For Precious Moments Such As This, by Preludian_Staves

He would not trade these precious moments away for anything in the world.

Unfinished:

Rated T:

No Regrets, by AluraRose

Lan Wangji took a deep breath, centered himself, and swallowed his pride.

“I apologize.” He bowed low to Jiang Wanyin and held it. “I wish only to help your brother. I humbly request access, and give my word that I will touch nothing and speak to no one of what I see.”

“I can’t just let you in there!”

“Even to save Wei Ying?”

And suddenly the wind seemed to go out of the sails of Jiang Wanyin’s anger. “I can’t” he repeated more quietly.

In order to save Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji must first convince Jiang Wanyin to trust him.

Your Name On My Chest, by Director_XuanWu

Lan Wangji is the president, at the beginning of his second year on his first term.

Wei Wuxian, his ex fiancé, was dishonorably discharged from the military because of a well hidden scandal.

They meet again after 13 years. Lan Wangji will drop everything for him. Wei Wuxian will sacrifice himself for him again. What does it take to finally be together? Too many goodbyes, too many heartaches. Yet they conquer all.

Whatever it takes, by Moonlit_dewdrops

Jiang Cheng and Wei WuXian are sent back to the past. This time, they can save everyone they love. They can make the right choices. They can learn to trust one another. However, everything comes with a price.

underneath your skin, by tardigradeschool

Wei Wuxian falls into the Burial Mounds. His body walks out.

White Flames in a Red Sky, by ZipZapZop

Maybe it hadn’t been a good idea to run away in the middle of a snowstorm.

OR

Wei Wuxian needs help, but he can’t understand that for the life of him.

and so it goes, by doyeorem (pomellogranate)

"While a person is dead in one particular moment, they are still alive and well in all of the other moments of their life, because all of time exists at once."

-

In which Hanguang-jun is at Qiongqi Path, and instead of Jin Zixuan's death, he witnesses Wei Ying throw himself in the way of a punch from the Ghost General, and three swords - one of which is Bichen.

The Burial Mounds is enraged and offended, and many suffer for it.

Purgatory Divinity, by sinfulempire

"Your third and final mission is to rewrite history, Wei Wuxian."

In which Wei Wuxian, the son of the Heavenly Demon Empress, Cangse Sanren and the Celestial, Wei Changze has to rewrite history in order to prove himself worthy of the throne, however, this was a mission that he did not sign himself up for.

[WARNING!! WARNING!! System error, system erro-]

"What-"

Upon accepting the mission, Wei Wuxian found himself back in the past. He had returned to his 6 year old body accompanied by the system at the dingy streets of Yiling- far before Jiang Fengmian had found him and took him in.

Wei Wuxian was alone and surrounded by numerous hound dogs.

Rated G:

Coil Tightly, by Thunderstruck (Blueyed_Impala)

When Wei Wuxian stumbles across a shady pet store in the back alley of his new town he ends up leaving with a companion for life, and more than he bargained for.

Forced apologies, by Io_Palladium

Jiang Cheng confronts Lan Zhan after Wei Yings punishment and it changes everything.

[heartless-error]

You have something to tell me?

Fandom: DC comics, Batman

Pairing: Jason Todd x Timothy Drake (JayTim)

Rating/Tags: JayTim Week 2020 - Day 5: Detective Tim, Secret Identity, Identity Reveal, Established Relationship, Love Confessions, Misunderstandings

Other(s) links: AO3

During the first weeks Jason spent at Wayne Manor, right after he had been picked up directly from Crime Alley, he learned something important: It was difficult to hide things from a good detective. Maybe he should have had that in mind during his adult life as well, especially when he was dating one of the best GCPD detectives.

"Tim? What happened?"

"Don't know. Tell me." He answered, angry. "You have something to tell me, Jason?"

You have something to tell me?

 During the first weeks Jason spent at Wayne Manor, right after he had been picked up directly from Crime Alley, he learned something important: It was difficult to hide things from a good detective.

 By a good detective, he meant Alfred, of course. Because at those times Bruce was a mess and was too busy panicking to have adopted another child. Really, the millionaire couldn't pay attention to when he was sneaking, smoking, stealing food, and hiding provisions along with money in case he had to flee at any time.

Anyway, he knew the man was trying to find a way to do things correctly with him, since he was a child of the street, with a difficult life, and totally different from the ray of the sun that turned out to be his first pupil, Dick.

 Of course, he didn't know that at the time. All he was aware of was that he now lived in a mansion and the butler there knew everything. Everything. No matter what he did, how he hid, or how he lied, Alfred always knew it, he always ended up finding out sooner or later. The first few times he was even scared.

 For this reason, he ended up learning that lesson. You couldn’t fool a good detective, because in the end they always ended up finding out whether by chance or not.

 He should have had that in mind during his adult life as well, especially when he did what he did. Because it would have saved him from some trouble, and he would have gotten away with it.

 That day he came home early, in a very good mood and wearing a slight smile. It was noon, and he had finished some duties, the patrol that night had been quiet, everything was going well, and his boyfriend had the day off.

 His boyfriend. His Timmy, his little detective.

 Against everything -and after several talks from absolutely his entire family- his relationship with Tim was going very well, better than anyone could have never thought. And contrary to what some people wanted to believe, Jason didn’t meet Tim as a GCPD detective, no, he was the pretty boy who lived in the neighborhood that greeted him with a cute smile, and stopped at the 24-hour coffee shop too often to be healthy. His surprise was even alarming when one night he showed up with Batman for a joint case on the police station rooftop and Jim Gordon was there with the force’s new promise: Detective Tim Drake.

As expected, just as that smile and pretty face dazzled Jason the first time he saw him in the cafe, so did his intelligence and professionalism in helping them with the case. So, days later, when Tim approached him shyly and asked him to have coffee together, how could he say no?

 He was crushing on him back then. And now, two years later, he still was.

 “Timmy.” He called him fondly as he entered the apartment they shared. “I'm back.”

 Walking down the hall, Jason looked around the kitchen and then headed to the living room. He didn't know if Tim was still asleep, but he wouldn't blame him if he did, his little bird worked too hard and sometimes didn't rest properly. Although it isn’t as if he was the most appropriate example of this considering his night activities, or night work, according to the version Tim knew.

 Even he didn't know how he had managed to hide his life as a vigilante from his partner for so long, but he couldn't continue doing it. As much as he feared for his safety or his reaction, it was a part of his life that he could no longer hide, and the more time passed, the worse the consequences.

 Just when he found Tim in the living room, he began to fear that these consequences had come sooner than expected.

 “Babybird.” He called him again.

 No answer.

 Tim was sitting at the end of the sofa, his feet up on it and curled up on himself, his arms were crossed, he was watching at the television turned off completely silent and thoughtful. His hands clenched into fists didn’t loosen, his nose was red and his eyes were watery, he seemed angry, sad, upset.

Jason's chest sank in concern, immediately closed in on the boy. Tim didn’t usually respond in a particularly emotional way to many things, he generally liked to compartmentalize unless it affected him a lot, the times when he had seen him crying had been at times like the anniversary of his parent’s death, for example.

 “Tim?” He asked somewhat alarmed.

 However, when he reached out to comfort him and lifted his hand to touch him, perhaps caress his hair in the way he knew it would relax him, he pulled away immediately, startled, surely he had been too deep in his own head to realize he had arrived.

A bad feeling began to invade him when he frowned and moved further away from his touch, clenching his fists. He knew that face, that sparkle in his eyes, he was angry, specifically with him. But at the same time his eyes were still watery and shone with disappointment, anguish.

 “What happened?” He asked again nervously.

 Tim frowned further and shrugged.

 “Don’t know. Tell me.”

 That reply was a confirmation that he was angry with him. Why? Well, based on the answer and the tone in which it was said, he might have discovered something that he didn't like at all, that would have hurt him, and Jason didn't have to think much to know what it was.

 “What?” He asked uselessly.

 Tim’s lower lip trembled for a second, but he controlled that to stop clinging to himself and getting his feet off the couch.

 “You have something to tell me, Jason?”

 Jason's alarms went off even, much louder. It was clear what was going on, Tim had figured it all out on his own.

He knew it, he knew it. God how had he been so stupid? He was dating one of the best GCPD detectives, one of the younger to join the force, with an outstanding record and the smartest person he knew. Fuck, even Batman praised the boy's ability, they had worked together on cases, that intelligence and audacity were scary, and that was what he most liked about him. Timothy was like a hound, stubborn and determined, he never gave up until he found the truth, and that was something he highly valued. If he felt that his boyfriend wasn’t being completely honest with him, of course he was going to investigate, of course he wanted to know. And having worked with the bats, being so close to him and having the necessary means, it was no wonder that he could have easily tied the dots.

 He couldn't lie to him, not anymore. He also didn’t like to do it before, the only reason he did it was because he knew it was for the best. Tim had thrown a light into his life that he never thought he could -or deserved to- have, a feeling of normality and affection that helped him improve and not be a fucking unconscious fucker. But he knew that part of his life was dangerous, dark and crazy. The proof was in his scars and nightmares, in his traumas and fears, those that Tim helped calm and never asked about. The fact that he didn’t know, kept him away from the danger that he was so afraid of could reach him, but he also worked with bats, was in the first ranks of the GCPD, and that made him join the risk.

He had no choice, besides, how could he continue to lie to him when he was there, half crying, begging him the truth and piercing his soul with those big blue eyes? Seriously, he wasn't surprised that the suspects sang so quickly with him, the boy was all eyes and pretty face.

 Jason sighed and sat down on the couch next to him, his heart beating hard and guilt devouring him. He never thought he would have to reveal his secret to someone out loud, not to a civilian, but he also never imagined caring about someone enough to do so. He looked Tim in the eye and took a deep breath:

 “Okay, it sounds like you already know, but you deserve to be told.” He said with a nod.

 Tim sniffed, looking nervously into his eyes, hurt, but let him continue. Jason swallowed and knew there was no other way out.

 “I’m Red Hood.”

 Silence.

 Tim didn’t move, didn’t react, and Jay exhaled altered. It wasn't enough, was it? It wasn’t.

 “I'm sorry I didn't tell you before.” He continued. “But I couldn't, seriously. It was too dangerous.”

 He looked for any trace of a single reaction on his face but didn’t find it. He just stood there, looking at him silently and thoughtfully. Which made him even more nervous.

 “I know you’re in the GCPD and we’ve worked together, but I didn't want to get you much more involved.”

 Still silent.

 “I pissed people off very dangerous, horrible villains, it’s a world you don't want to get into.”

 “…”

 “You have to believe me. If it were up to me, I would have told you a long time ago, but the more time passed the worse the secret became.”

 “…”

 “I constantly face undesirable people and you would be a very easy target.”

 “Jason.”

 By the time Tim whispered his name, the dam had broken, and he couldn't stop babbling, thinking aloud about everything that he had been holding back.

 “I know it sounds selfish, but it’s not just up to me and there’s a reason we keep civilians out of that life. Fuck, if you knew...”

 “Jason.”

 “It's a fucking hell and it killed me; I couldn't risk you.”

 “Jason.”

 “I know I've broken your trust but...”

 “Jason!” Tim interrupted, weary and leaning down to meet his eyes fiercely. “I knew it.”

 It took him three seconds to assimilate that, causing him to freeze and the confusion nullify him.

 What the fuck?

 “Eh?” He asked confused.

 “I knew it.” The smallest repeated, huffing and crossing his arms. “I’ve always known that.”

 What the actual fuck?

 Tim had to see the chaos and mess that was his head at the time on his face, because he huffed harder and shook his head, totally exasperated.

 “Jason, I'm not stupid.” He emphasized with a frown and raised his hands to point to the apartment. “This place is reinforced everywhere with bat technology.”

 He didn’t know what to say, because that was a good point.

 “You hide a gun in the cereal cupboard and...” Sighing and reaching into one of the holes in the sofa, he pulled out one of the rubber bullets that Red Hood used and had been there for who knows how long. “This! There are rubber bullets everywhere. Bullets I've seen you use.”

 Okay, so he might like to hide guns in certain parts of the place for extra security. And maybe he was a little sloppy with his bullets sometimes.

 “You have the same boots, pants and jacket in your closet. I even found your helmet once!”

 The excuse it was from a Halloween costume may not have been as convincing as he believed.

 “You speak the same way, you move the same way, you have the same height and constitution.” Tim continued listing. “Even the first night you saw me as Red Hood, you flirted with me.”

 He did?

 Maybe yes.

 “I knew it from the beginning and still accepted it. I knew the reason you were hiding it and I respected your decision to not tell me until you saw necessary.” Again, Tim began to look distraught, his eyes watering again. “But that's not what I was talking about.”

 Confusion arose again for something quite different. Because if Tim, his intelligent and precious detective, had known and accepted his other life from the beginning, what was going on? Why was he angry?

 “Then what were you talking about?” He asked fearfully, again the bad feeling settling in his being.

 Tim hesitated, shifted in his seat, and his lower lip trembled again, looking much more distressed than before, about to burst into tears.

 “I'm talking about you spending Saturday night at a 5-star hotel. Enjoying the restaurant and the suite for couples with another person.” He said and barely tried to control his voice. “The bank has reported recent suspicious movements on your card, when I asked half an hour ago it took me to the hotel, which asked for your assessment of your stay there and confirmation of another reservation this week.”

 Tim’s voice broke at the end and Jason started to panic much more than before.

Shit, shit, fuck, shit.

 “Tim this isn't-”

 “What it looks like?” He cut him off, trying to compose himself. “So, what is it?”

 Jason rubbed his eyes nervously. It really wasn't what it seemed, dammit. He knew what Tim was thinking, what anyone would think, and he understood his reaction. But he would never cheat on Tim, not like that, not feeling what he feels for him, not wanting to...

 “I know what you think but-”

 “But what? What should I think?” He asked again, his hands shaking.

 It was clear that he had cried, and he was trying not to do it again at this moment, the way he was getting more upset indicated that, he wanted to stay strong. And Jason didn’t know what to do, because he couldn’t deny anything and couldn’t explain it the way he wanted without making it seem even more suspicious, he knew that Tim’s self-esteem problems didn’t help the situation at all, he was among the sword and wall.

 “I went there, but not for what you think.” He began to explain, also nervous.

 Tim ended up getting off the couch, shaking his head vigorously and pacing in front of the living room table, like a caged lion.

 “With whom?” He asked then, almost in pain. “Nightwing?”

 “Wh-”

 “Arsenal?”

 “No!”

 “Starfire?”

 There he said nothing. About his brother and his best friend, he could deny it, but not with Kory. He went to the hotel and the restaurant with her, it was true, but not as more than friends. What’s more, he didn't even spend the night there, leaving the Tamaranian woman alone in the suite with one of Bruce’s credit cards to do whatever she wanted while he left on patrol and then returned home.

But Tim didn't know that, all he had was that brief silence on his part that told him he was correct, and that immediately broke him when he understood.

 Turning around, Tim rushed down the hall to their room, letting out a sob and not stopping to look back. Jason followed him without hesitation, frantic, guilt hitting him more and more along with the fear of losing him.

 “Tim!” He called him. “Listen to me, please!”

 They entered the room, Tim going straight to the closet and searching through his clothes. He knew what he was doing, he wanted to get his things and leave as soon as possible, he didn't want to be there to break even more, but Jason couldn't allow it.

 “We didn't spend the night together!” He explained grabbing the closet door and trying to get him away from there. “It’s not what you think.”

 Tim shook his head and rubbed his eyes, his breathing uneven, with no choice but to let him close the closet as he sobbed.

 “No, Jason, I get it.” He started to say. “It’s heroes’ stuff, I get it…”

 “What?” He asked confused. What was he talking about? Heroes stuff?

 “S-She’s a hero. Fuck, is Starfire, and I'm just a civilian...” He continued saying as he looked at the ground, almost looking resigned. “She can understand things that I don't, understand you on a level that I can't, and you don't have to lie to her or pretend to be anything else with her.”

 Jason opened his mouth and then closed it, stunned. He couldn't believe what he was hearing, it was surreal.

It was true, most of the heroes ended up dating others in the community, but it didn’t always have to be like that. Secret identities, lies, and danger often ruin relationships with civilians, but other times, if you wanted to, they could work. Damn, the fucking Superman had a family with Lois Lane, also Flash, many others, he was not exactly lacking examples.

And Tim thinking for a single second that he couldn’t make him happy for not understanding that part of his life, compared to other people, not only hurt him, it made him angry. If he knew how much he had helped him, how much his life had changed, how happy he made him…

 “So, it’s okay. Don't worry, I really understand.” Tim continued, even in that resigned and sad tone. “I'm sorry I wasted your time...”

 That was the drop that filled the glass.

 Tim saying something like that, crying in front of him and saying that he understood it despite how much it hurt him, broke him inside. And that he really believed as a result of all this that he hadn’t been able to make him happy, that those two years together had been a lost time and not the best in Jason’s life, made him make the decision to send everything to hell and act. Fuck everything.

 As Tim tried to hold back his tears and dry the ones that ran down his face, he silently approached his nightstand to pull out what he had been hiding for months, then turned back to him, determined.

 “Tim, listen to me.” He started to say as he approached him again. The younger didn’t dare look at him. “I invited Kory to those places because I needed to know her opinion about them. She’s one of my best friends and the person with the best criteria I know about that kind of things, but we couldn't access there without a reservation, so I had to take her.”

 Tim sniffed again and the tension in his shoulders eased a little, he seemed to be listening intently, almost hopefully.

 “I didn’t spend the night there; I was on patrol. You can check it, I faced Mr. Freeze in the town hall square, there are videos and reports about it. And if that’s not enough and you don’t believe me now, you can ask Starfire personally later.” He explained getting closer, surrounding the bed, and placing himself in front of him. “The thing is, I did all that behind your back because I really needed her advice and help.”

 Tim rubbed his eyes, still without looking at him.

 “For what?” He asked in that weak, broken voice.

 “Look at me.”

 What Tim saw when he finally dared to look up, was Jason kneeling in front of him and showing him an engagement ring.

 “Timothy Jackson Drake, do you want to marry me?”

 Time seemed to stop completely; Tim's eyes couldn’t open more because of the impression. Jason swallowed hard and buried his nervousness to continue speaking.

 “I’ve been wanting to ask you for months, but I really didn’t know how. I don't care if you are a civilian or not, I love you and I wanted it to be a surprise, something special.” He sighed somewhat agitated, the uncertainty at his answer was too much. “I no longer have to reveal why, but in my life I have learned that I must cling and keep by my side everything that makes me happy for as long as I can, and my happiness is you. So, what do you say?”

 Tim was still frozen, stunned because all the information he had to assimilate. Not only because Jason had not cheated on him as he thought, but he had been planning how to propose to him. He was thinking he didn’t want to be with him and then he just discovered that he wanted to spend their lives together, it was too sudden.

But despite having to go from one extreme to the other so quickly, Tim seemed to assimilate at last when those tears turned into ones of happiness and a smile began to grow on his face.

 “Yes.” He replied with a sigh of relief. “Yes, I do.”

 Jason couldn't help but smile too, happiness flooding him completely, his answer echoing in his head and brightening every part of his being. It didn't take him long to get up to catch him and hold him tight, both of them letting out a relieved laughter. Words weren’t enough.

The tallest wiped the tears of his now fiancé, with affection and devotion.

 “I should have thought how difficult is to hide something from a detective.” He said placing a lock of his hair behind his ear. “And this time you didn't even have to do much to discover me.”

 Tim smiled and shrugged, his eyes shining with love and relief. Almost seemed that he was going to cry again when he grabbed his hand and put the ring on him carefully. Jason's heart squeezed at the sight because it fit him perfectly, and it was his, all his, forever.

 When Tim leaned down to kiss him, he didn't even hesitate. He was more than willing to love his detective for the rest of his days, and he would make sure to tell him in every moment.

[ohshit-itsyagorl]

Four Dipshits and a Michelle

Part 6

Y’all I’m getting tired of linking all the chapters every time I post an update, so I’m just going to link the first part and my masterlist.

Part 1, Writing Masterlist

Read the story here on AO3

Summary: Michelle never believed in soulmates. But what happens when she turns seventeen and gets her mark? What happens when she inevitably finds the person with the matching tattoo? And what is she supposed to do with Peter Parker. Her best friend in the whole world. Her crush. Someone she feels drawn to for some inexplicable reason.

Also, I know it’s been a long time since the last update (yikes). I actually update every Sunday night on AO3 and just haven't had the time to catch up, so if I ever go a long time without updating just check there first lol. Alright, here we go...

Michelle woke to the sound of a camera clicking and soft snickering. The sun made her head hurt, eyes blinking rapidly.

“I’m sending this to the group chat,” she heard Ned say from somewhere behind her. She yawned into Peter’s chest. Oh no—this was not happening right now. She turned her head to see Ned standing in the doorway, furiously typing away on his phone, grinning like an idiot.

“Ned,” she whined, “please don’t.”

“Too late. It’s already done.”

“Damn you, Ned. It’s too early for this shit,” Michelle complained, though she kept her voice quiet so as not to wake Peter sleeping behind her.

She carefully tried to shimmy out of his grip, successfully turning around to face the edge of the bed, but when she tried to scoot out of his arms she found she couldn’t.

Peter mumbled something and pulled her closer to his chest, arms banding around her waist—going under her shirt—as he buried his nose in the hair at the base of her neck.

MJ felt her cheeks redden as Ned tried and failed to hold in his laughter, letting out a loud cackle that effectively woke Peter up and simultaneously ruined MJ’s morning.

She turned her head and watched as he blinked the sunlight out of his eyes, then looked to Ned, who pointed at MJ, who wanted to sink into the ground and die just to escape the embarrassment she felt crawling like ants under her skin.

Peter looked down at her. He stared for a second—two; then he seemed to realize what he was doing—one hand wrapped around her waist while the other disappeared under her shirt, scraping across her ribs, dangerously close to the undersides of her breasts. “Oh my—oh my god,” he cried, quickly withdrawing his hands and sitting up. The sheet pooled around his waist, and MJ shivered as her eyes dropped to his chest. To that spider tattoo over his left nipple. Peter covered his face with his hands, tight muscles rippling with the movement. MJ bit her lip.

Click.

“Goddamnit, Ned!” Michelle screeched. She grabbed a pillow, soft sheets scraping against the calluses that covered her hands from drawing, and threw it at his head with all her strength.

Ned squawked in outrage. Then seemed to remember what he was doing. “Man, Betty and Cindy are never going to let you guys live this down,” Ned muttered, looking at his phone. “So embarrassing.”

Michelle stumbled out of the bed, grabbing her phone and bag on the way to the bathroom. She flipped them both off for good measure. She slammed the door and collapsed down onto the toilet. Pulling out her phone, she opened up her text messages.

Four dipshits and a Michelle:

Ned: Check it out!

Ned’s text was followed by a photo of Peter and her. She had her face pressed against his chest, his arms were banded around her sleeping form, and his nose was buried in her hair. The sheet had been kicked down to their waists, and Michelle blushed when she realized her shirt had ridden partway up her back. It did look rather incriminating, though it really wasn’t. She scrolled down.

Betty: WHAT THE FUCK?!?

Cindy: I FUCKING KNEW IT ERIJFNCNDLW

Then there was the other image. The one of Peter’s shirtless chest, abs on full display, hands covering his face. And there she was—obviously looking lower than his face, biting her lip, large t-shirt hanging off her left shoulder, clearly showing she wasn’t wearing a bra.

She opened the other group chat with incoming messages—the one with only Betty and Cindy.

Cindy: Well, this is a morning I will never forget

Betty: The way she was looking at him in that second photo, tho

Cindy: I KNOW! MJ with horny eyes is almost scarier than MJ with angry eyes.

Betty: Someone’s got the hoTS FOR PARKER!!!

Betty: MJ, have you locked yourself in the bathroom yet?

Michelle’s fingers flew furiously across her keyboard.

MJ: Those were NOT horny eyes.

There was a split second where the bubble icon popped up. Then it disappeared. Reappeared.

Cindy: They were definitely horny eyes. Betty?

Betty: I agree. The council has convened. Michelle Jones has a crush on the nerd next door.

Betty: Also, SINCE WHEN HAS PETER BEEN RIPPED???

Cindy: Yeah, when the fuck did that happen?

MJ: He’s had abs for a while.

Cindy: You’ve seen him shirtless before?

Betty: !!!

Cindy: Girl, you are so screwed.

MJ: Stop trying to kill me. I died, like, twenty minutes ago.

Betty: But you LOOOOVE him

Michelle shut off her phone at that. One minute. She would allow one minute of embarrassment, then move on.

She leaned her head back against the wall and groaned, trying to use the cool tile to calm her racing mind. Her eyes fluttered shut, slowly counting down from sixty. Fifty-nine. Fifty-eight.

The way Peter had reacted, like he was uncomfortable waking up with her. She had been uncomfortable, too, but that was because of Ned. What if Peter was uncomfortable because of her?

Forty-five.

Her skin still felt like it was on fire, mark tingling pleasantly in a way that sent shivers down her spine. She cursed quietly.

Thirty. Twenty-nine.

And maybe the unrequited love was starting to drive her crazy, but she could have sworn he had been breathing her in—he had been asleep, of course, but…

Fifteen. Fourteen. Thirteen. Twelve.

Her whole body cried out at her to tell him, to be with him, to make him feel good—body and soul.

Seven.

But she couldn’t.

Three.

Silence. Resignation. Determination.

One. Zero.

MJ stood up and shucked off her t-shirt and Peter’s boxers, nearly tripping in the tight confines of the bathroom. And maybe she was being selfish, but she shoved the boxers into her bag along with her shirt. Peter wouldn’t miss one pair. But wearing his clothes… it just felt so right, and she decided that after this morning, she would allow herself that small satisfaction. She put her hair up into a ponytail and looked at herself in the mirror. Then, before she could think better, she reached out a finger and touched her tattoo. Hissed. It was so sensitive—so sensitive after a night spent curled up with him. She could feel her heart beating quickly in her ears, but she could also feel the pulsing rhythm of a slower heartbeat; Peter, it seemed, had calmed down more than she had.

She put her clothes on and marched out of the bathroom. “Not a word from you,” she snapped at Ned as she stalked past. Peter had already put on a shirt and shorts, thankfully. She didn’t think she would be able to keep her eyes off that spider tattoo and then Peter might start to get suspicious.

Michelle turned to look at them. “So… the park and then lunch at Delmar’s?” She asked.

“Sounds good to me,” Peter replied, running a hand through his hair. Michelle looked away quickly, lest her eyes track the movement.

Ned noticed, though. He smirked. “Shut up,” MJ quipped.

“I didn’t say anything!”

“You said nothing very loudly,” MJ grumbled. Ned just grinned at her. She flipped him off.

————————————————————————

By late August, the heat had become pretty much unbearable, the little air-conditioning units used in the cramped New York apartments no match for the sweltering summer.

Which is why Michelle found herself reading on the fire escape with a fold-out chair, trying and failing to cool down, sweating buckets and hating mother earth.

She turned the page. A small breeze swept through the alley and caught her bookmark. She reached out blindly to catch it before it flew out of reach of the fire escape. Just as she caught it, upper body leaning over the railing, sweat plastering her hair to her forehead, she felt hands come to steady her waist.

MJ screeched and whipped around, punching her attacker straight in the face.

Spider-man stumbled backward, hand reaching up to cup his masked jaw, and cried, “What the hell was that for?” His voice was clearly being altered by mask. Another way to protect his identity, she guessed.

Michelle shook out her wrist. “You touched me.”

Spider-man’s eyes widened. He reached his hand up as if to run it through his hair, but he was wearing a mask. “I was trying to help!” He said indignantly, bringing his arm back down and crossing them both over his chest. “I thought you were going to fall.”

“I wasn’t even off balance,” MJ quipped. She reached to push some stray curls off her sweaty forehead, then eyed his suit. “Shouldn’t you be dying in that thing? It’s, like, over a hundred degrees out today.”

“Built-in cooling technology,” he said, leaning against the railing. Michelle rolled her eyes; she supposed he thought it looked cool. It did, but that was beside the point.

“Lucky you,” she snarked. “I’d kill for that on a day like today.” She motioned to her sweaty face.

“The sweat suites you, darling,” he said, white eyes shifting down her body.

Michelle’s face reddened. “Oh my god, that’s disgusting. You could be forty—and if you touch me again, I swear—”

Spider-man’s eyes widened in shock. “No—I’m not forty! I’m a boy—I mean—young man!”

Michelle raised her eyebrows. “How old are you, exactly?” She asked. She waited a moment. “If you don’t answer I’m going to assume you’re older than thirty, which is still creepy, by the way.”

“I’m not, okay?” He said. She waited. “…I’m seventeen.”

MJ furrowed her brows at that. She was seventeen. She could know him. “Okay,” she said.

“You believe me?”

“Do I have a reason not to?” She arched a brow at him, a small smile tugging on the corners of her lips.

He shook his head furiously. “All I’m trying to say is you’re still really pretty, even with all the…perspiration.”

She looked at him more closely; something about him seemed familiar, the way he talked, or the way he held himself—maybe she really did know him from school. “Thanks, I guess. You’re not too bad yourself for a teenager wearing a spandex unitard.”

His hand slipped from the railing, and he stumbled to keep his footing. MJ’s shoulders shook with repressed laughter as she watched him, forgetting for a moment how hot out it was. “It’s not spandex!”

Michelle reached out and touched his arm. He froze. She chuckled. “It sure feels like spandex.”

“Well, it’s not,” he said a bit defensively. He nodded to her book. “What are you reading?”

“A Secret History by,” she checked the cover, “Donna Tartt.”

He nodded. “Is it any good?”

She bit the inside of her cheek. “Yeah, I’ve actually read it before, though. I ran out of new books and I’m too lazy to go to the library so I just picked up an old one.” She shrugged.

“Maybe I’ll go get it after the superhero gig tonight,” he said. She held out the book to him. He just looked at her, then at the book. “What?”

She rolled her eyes. “I was offering for you to borrow it, dipshit.”

His eyes widened again—it was actually a little creepy how they dilated; like, how did they know when to dilate? “Really?” He squeaked, reaching out to grab the book.

She pulled her hand back. “You’re not a serial killer, are you?” She eyed him suspiciously.

“What? No, I’m a superhero,” he said, still holding his hand out. “Why is that part of the vetting process for borrowing one of your books?” He made little grabby motions with his fingers.

“I feel like being a serial killer goes hand-in-hand with ruining borrowed books,” she said, narrowing her eyes. She handed him the book. “But if you damage it, I’ll kill you—friendly neighborhood Spider-man my ass.”

“Who’s the killer now?” He joked. Then he tilted his head to the side. “Well, I’ve got to go. Duty calls!” He reached his arm out and shot a web, swinging off the balcony with the book in his other hand.

“Don’t you dare drop it!” She called after his retreating form. She shook her head, not sure why she was smiling.

———————————————————

Michelle saw Spider-man again two days later. She was out reading on the fire escape again when he landed with a soft thud. She didn’t look up right away, determined to finish one last page.

He cleared his throat.

“I know you’re there,” she said.

“Oh.”

MJ let out a hum, reaching blindly for her bookmark and slipping it between the pages of her book. She looked up at him. “What do you want, Spider-pig?” She smiled to herself at her inside joke, remembering that day in biology with Peter.

He held her copy of A Secret History out to her. “I finished. It was really good—I can see why you enjoyed it.” She took the book from his hands, peering at him from her chair. His eyes narrowed at her.

“What do you want? I can tell you want something,” she deadpanned.

“What should I call you?” He hopped up onto the railing. Her eyes widened a fraction watching him. He chuckled, “I’m not going to fall. Spider-man, remember?” He mimed shooting webs out of his wrists in rapid succession.

“You can call me Michelle.”

“Really? Your friends call you Michelle?” He swung his feet back and forth, leaning back over the railing so his body hung precariously over the alleyway below to grab a piece of garbage floating in the breeze.

“No. I have a nickname, but you can call me Michelle.” She didn’t just let anybody call her M or MJ, and just because he could swing around the city on wisps of silk didn’t mean he deserved special treatment from her.

He huffed a breath. “Fair enough. You look nice today. How have you been?”

Wow, that was a lot to unpack. She looked nice? She was wearing a ratty old painting shirt that hung below her knees and her hair was up in a topknot. How had she been? Well—

She decided to ignore the first comment. “I’ve been fine. I painted today so now my back hurts, but beauty is pain, right?” She said, gesturing to her paint-stained t-shirt.

“You have paint on your face,” was his only reply. He leaned forward, reaching his hand out toward her cheek, “Here, let me.” He brushed his finger over where she assumed the paint was, but then his eyes narrowed and he ran a finger over the spot again.

“It won’t come off, Idiot. It’s dry.” She smirked at him as he withdrew his hand.

“You didn’t punch me,” he breathed.

She raised her eyebrows. “Yeah, I guess I didn’t. Don’t get too comfortable, though—I might be in a bad mood next time you try to pull shit like that.” She mimed a quick sucker punch, then blew on her fist as if to cool it off.

Spider-man laughed at her antics. “You could give most common criminals a run for their money, you know.”

She shrugged, looking down at her hands. The paint under her fingernails seemed way more interesting than it had earlier that day when she had opted not to spend twenty minutes cleaning it out. “I learned from experience. My dad—” She stopped herself before she could say anything more. That was too much information; information she hadn’t even told her best friends, that she definitely did not want to tell an almost-stranger.

She was saved by a ding coming from next to her on the chair. She picked up her phone.

Four dipshits and a Michelle:

Ned: Has anyone seen Peter? We were supposed to meet to build the millennium falcon.

MJ snorted. She quickly typed out a reply.

MJ: Nope. He probably stayed late at the stupid Stark internship.

MJ: Also, you’re both total dweebs.

She looked up to see that Spider-man wasn’t sitting on the railing anymore. She almost had a heart-attack when she heard a voice right next to her ear. “Peter… Peter Parker?”

She squawked, turning around to see him upside down in an army-crawl position on the wall behind her. “Never,” she panted, “do that again.” Then his words registered. “Wait, you really know him?”

Spider-man propped his head up on his elbows. “Yeah, I know him—from the, uh, the Stark internship—which, by the way, is not stupid.”

She stuck her tongue out at him. “It’s rude to read someone else’s messages.”

“Well, I got to go,” he said suddenly. “I have somewhere I need to be.” He shot a web to the roof of the building next to hers and launched himself off the fire escape, disappearing as quickly as he’d come. Michelle looked down at the book in her lap. “Hey!” She looked up to see a red and white mask peering at her from above. “What book are you reading?!”

“The Assistant by Bernard Malamud!” She called back.

He gave her a thumbs up and disappeared again.

She waited, but he didn’t come back a second time.

Part 7

[kykyonthemoon]

The Dreamweaver

Name: KyKy

Nicknames: Ky, Moon Moon (by Chime)

Rank: S

Class: Soul Dancer

Age: 20 (in most fic)

Gender: Female

D.O.B: Oct, 18

Star sign: Libra

Blood type: AB

Ethnicity: Asian 

Affiliations: Cassell College, Lionheart

Colors: gold, white

Appearance: a short, slim girl with dark hair and dreamy amethyst eyes that change into golden while using EX Skills. Her appearance may give people the impression of harmless, innocent girl, though she’s actually a powerful S-rank hybrid.

Traits: Peacemaker - Spirited - Righteous Ally

KyKy is a dreamer. She’s very creative and daydreams a lot. That’s why she enjoys reading and writing fictions. She’s curious and often gets lost in her own thoughts. She’s a romantic - the type that always makes up a perfect love story in her mind; and an idealistic who sees the world in bright colors.

She might be quiet and distant at first, but she’s actually very sweet. She cares a lot about her friends and loved ones. She’s also sensitive, compassionate and kind. She hopes to use her healing power to help everyone in need. 

She gets shy easily and be speechless. Her friends find that expression cute and often tease her a lot, especially when it comes to her love interest. She can be very clumsy and forgetfull too.

However, KyKy is not always a bright sunflower. She’s very insecure and can be over-dramatic at times. When she’s in a bad mood, she might close herself off to everyone. She doubts herself a lot.

Hobbies:

Reading and writing stories - She wants to become a writer one day

Dancing

Cooking (though she often leaves a mess in the kitchen)

Stargazing

Fears: Darkness, nightmares, being left behind and being forgotten

Skills:

-She has soul dancer’s skills and talents. -Her power is related to the Moon, therefore, she gets extremely weak on moonless nights, and most powerful during full moon.

-She can enter and alter a person’s dreams (for example: turning a nightmare into a good dream) by touching them or finding them in the dreamworld. -KyKy’s Special EX Skills:

Lullaby: Soothes one’s mind and puts the target to sleep.

Dreamweaver’s Dance: Performs a dance with the gemini and turns the illusions in her dream into reality for a short amount of time. Costs a large amount of Vitality. Cannot be used without The Golden Thread of Dreams. (This skill is like a summoning ritual. She uses it to call upon mythical creatures that aid her in battle.)

Sleepwalk: The Golden Thread creates a portal, connecting dreams and let her travel to a chosen destination. This is a very hard-to-master skill that costs an enormous amount of Vitality. It is not recommended to use without supervision (from Cassell). Without high concentration, the she might be lost between realms and erased from existence.

-Gemini: Gemini might not take the exact image of the soul dancer, but it can be the image of what the soul dancer loves, or deeply connected to. KyKy’s gemini is a spirit came from the dreamworld. It connects to her soul and guides her. The gemini has two forms: one is astral (a mirror image of the soul dancer - as seen in game); and one is physical (the gemini becomes a living creature - other people, beside the soul dancer, can interact with it too). KyKy’s gemini is called Midnight, and it often stays in the physical shape of a cat.

-The Golden Thread of Dreams: Like most soul dancers, KyKy doesn’t use a weapon. But she has a small golden thread tied on her wrist. The thread is endless and made of countless tiny threads, each of them represents a beautiful dream she has encountered (could be her dreams or others’.) The thread is believed to have a connection to her heart and soul. It is also the soul link of a soul dancer. KyKy ties the thread to the one she wants to share a soul link with (and gives them buffs in battle~) The thread can be used as a weapon, or to perform special EX Skills. It cannot be cut by most weapons, and if cut, it will take time to regain power from dreams.

Background:

Her bloodline from her mother’s side was very pure, but the clan could not maintain their bloodline, and the later generations have lost their powers. KyKy’s mother was an S-ranked soul dancer. She wanted a normal life, so she changed her name and married KyKy’s father - who is only C-ranked. She lost their unborn child and blamed herself for not being able to save it with her healing power. She never uses her power again.

KyKy inherited her mother’s bloodline. Feared that her daughter would have a tough life of an S-rank, or met the tragedies like her before, she faked her blood test report and found away to suppress KyKy’s power. This caused her power to be unstable.

Brought up in a small town as a normal girl, KyKy was not aware of her powers. When she was in middle school, she started seeing illusions from her dreams becoming real, walking into other places she had never been to. Her wounds from daily activities seemed to heal very quickly too. Yet her mother refused to tell her the truth.

After graduating high school, her powers got out of control. Cassell College found her and offered a special scholarship for the S-ranked. She confronted her mother again and was told the truth. Her parents prevented her from going to Cassell, and warned her about the harsh life, the dangerous missions that they might put her through. KyKy managed to put her parents to sleep, using her new-found special power. She left a letter for them to apologize and ask for their understanding. Eventually, she was able to talk things out with her parents and they let her stay in Cassell.

Relationships:

-Good friends:

Cery (@4-komacery’s MC): roommate - best friend. They met on the train to Cassell and Cery signed up for KyKy to join Lionheart with her (while KyKy had no idea about it.) The two are at the same age. Their traits are different, but they share a lot in common; like arts, creativity, food, fashion,... KyKy often forgets her stuffs, and Cery always has to remind her. She loves to tease KyKy about her crush too. They know almost all of each other’s secrets.

Johann: senior - book buddy. Johann often gives KyKy books to read, although most of them are non-fiction and completely not her cup of tea (she never tells him that.) KyKy knows how crazy her friend Cery is over Johann, and she’s very supportive of their realtionship. KyKy hangs out with him more after he becomes Cery’s boyfriend.

Chisei Gen: beach buddy. They share an undying love for the beach and sunshines. At first, KyKy was mad at Chisei for leaving her team at the bottom of the sea, and what he did to Chime. But as she gets to know him more, she thinks he’s a good friend. She literally goes out of her way to help the brothers reconcile.

NoNo: senior - fashion guru. 

Caesar: senior - sometimes like a big brother to her.

Finger: senior - cooking buddy.

Luminous: seniors - anime friend.

Erii Uesegi: shopping/gaming buddy.

EVA & Adam: KyKy greets them every day in the office. She actually likes talking to them.

Vinya: book buddy. KyKy likes to spend time in the library. She also helps Vinya with tidying up the place, sorting books and cleaning the telescopes.

-Soulmate:

Chime Gen: KyKy met Chime when they were kids in the dreamworld. She thought he was just her imagination (x) and promised to find him if he’s real. They parted when Chime became a devil (Ruri Kazama) and stabbed by Chisei. She has been looking for him ever since, without remembering his name. She doesn’t know he’s Ruri Kazama until later.

Ruri Kazama: On her mission to Japan, KyKy meets Ruri. She always has a feeling that he’s someone she knew before. Later, she finds out that he’s the one she’s been looking for. But she’s confused and hurt because Ruri doesn’t seem to remember Chime’s dreams with her in the past. 

Dragon Lord Ruri Kazama: KyKy is frightened of this form of him. But she still believes he can regain control and break away from Osho’s grip. She uses her power to help him even though she might get hurt. Eventually, she succeeds and he’s able to remember the past dreams with her.

They might seem to be opposite, but they have a very deep connection, like dark and light intertwining. Her cheerfulness and healing power calm him and get him through darkness, while he protects her like the night sky embracing the moon (hence they call each other “night sky” and “moon moon” - silly, I know!) They’re both crazy about the other, but they don’t know that yet. 

-----------------------

Masterlist: x

[honmakurara]

Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru: extensive manga review

Tormented and explicit, sharp and sophisticated: what Mizushiro Setona's masterpiece really is.

Warning: minor spoilers ahead. "I want to read something erotic and violent": this is what Mizushiro Setona's editor asked her, echoing the request of their chief editor when assigning to the mangaka a story for the supplement of the Josei magazine Judy, meant to be read by an adult female target: "I don't expect you to write a nice story. You have other skills you can count on. You can narrate about gay people, for instance, or about sadomasochism."

Starting from the first casual incursion of Mizushiro-sensei into the world of Boys' Love, between the years 2004 and 2006 Kyūso wa Cheese no Yume o Miru (窮鼠はチーズの夢を見 - The cornered mouse dreams of cheese) was born and defined; it is one of the most beautiful and intense stories ever written about such a genre and beyond, which did even receive excellent notes from the well acclaimed Takemiya Keiko-sensei of the renowned Group 24. Starting with these premises, one can already understand how Mizushiro-sensei, who was not a master of Boys' Love back then, has nonetheless been able to offer an excellent tale that transcends the borders of genres and ranges over way beyond what it had been asked her: the story had been initially conceived as a few chapters later compiled in one tankobon, but it eventually came back on the pages of Judy with a new series of chapters. These ones have also been later published, three years later, in a sequel tankobon titled Sōjo no Koi wa Nido Haneru (俎上の鯉は二度跳ねる - The carp on the chopping block jumps twice). After the renewed interest offered to Otomo and to the cunning Imagase's story, that the live action movie announcement awakened, the new manga chapter Hummingbird Rhapsody has been added to the whole franchise, which is included in the recently revised Japanese edition of the manga.

"Imagase... I'm scared of you...!"

"And I'm... scared of you, too."   There's however not only violence and eroticism in this intricate story, and such a definition would actually mean to simplify way too much what it portrays, not to mention it would not fit exactly what the author was actually able to convey into it; other than the most obvious themes and elements, many others way more implicit and elaborate ones can be found there. We can even have a hint of that by peeking at the cover illustration of the volume, where a languid surface does not betray the contradiction of the soul. We can see an elegant portrait of the two main characters, who both hide all but dignified emotions inside them; a very accurate mirror of such a picture, which graphically reminds us of the previous editions of the manga, is the mind of the thirty years old Otomo Kyoichi after his encounter with Imagase. Otomo is a married adult man, leading an apparently impeccable life: he has good looks, polite manners and a nice job. He is gentle and esteemed by his colleagues and is able to make the many women crossing his path sigh from expectation. He cannot resist women either, that is why his life is an endless sequence of cheating on his wife. He reckons they are of no importance, at least until his wife hires the private eye Imagase Wataru to investigate upon his possible infidelities. Imagase is no new man in Otomos' life, being a kohai within the tennis club at university: he proposes to Otomo to be silent with his wife, in exchange for the heated make-out session that he never dared asking before, despite his being a unprejudiced homosexual guy having a crush on Otomo since forever. After the end of Otomo's wedding, though, the intimate encounters between the two men do not stop at all; they are pushed towards a fierce depth instead, symbols of a spiral of lust and psychological turmoil from which Otomo cannot willingly go back any more. "I am no good one."

"I know this. Bad natured men like you are the worst. Do you think that everyone is looking for that perfect person? You can't fall in love with anyone but that one person?"

"Someday, you'll find true love, too. The time will come when you can't help the feelings that well up inside you and you'll be carried away."

The themes and the premises are taken from various undoubtedly not new Boys' Love clichés; Mizushiro-sensei makes skillfully use of them to plumb the human soul as she does in many other works of her, making the story evolve quickly into something way different and way wider than what the numerous and explicit sex scenes might make us think at first. It takes a doting and obsessive homosexual guy into the life of some apparently happy man like Otomo in order to make the latter understand that his marriage is merely an empty shell, built with no true nor deep feelings to live an ordinary life. The encounter with Imagase, though, forces Otomo to think back deeply about his own actions and the meaning to give to his own life, until he gets to understand that despite his true gentleness, he has never cared for other people's feelings at all.

The relationship with Imagase makes his worst side come to the surface: jealous impulses, selfishness and possessiveness, unsuspected masochistic and yet dominating preferences, obscure compulsions and a never missing inclination towards all sorts of temptations. Otomo is no role model nor someone to praise and yet, he's neither a man whose submissive personality can be easily blamed. Such a personality is a spectrum of a lid hiding a lot of things, a reflection of our own fearful and insecure behaviour, our own incapability of getting to call ourselves into question until the moments, those surprising and unexpected moments, that are to change life for real. That these two lovers embody a strong universal value is further suggested by the choice of the Japanese kanjis with which their names are written: Mizushiro-sensei identifies Otomo Kyoichi (大伴恭一) with the definition of 'partner' itself, a potential alter ego of each of us; she entrusts Imagase Wataru (今ヶ瀬渉, from the kanjis of 'quickness', 'crossing', 'involvement' and 'human relations') with the importance of getting to catch the 'carpe diem', the fleeting moment. Should we were to play with the language a little bit, we would find out that the union of the two main characters would lead us to the meaning of a 'relationship with a partner', the play of the cat with its little mouse happening here and now, the moment that we are to live in every single instant.

"You're kidding?! I cannot believe it… You can't decide?! Between a woman... or a man?!” - Natsuki -

"Maybe Imagase is right... maybe I still have to know what true love it. Next month, I’ll turn 30."

Otomo meets a long series of women, each of whom is identified by a definite face and a marked, strong personality. Each of them leaves a vivid notch into Otomo's life; and yet, no one of these figures is able to open a gash into his soul. The true Otomo is unfathomable to anyone, himself included, just like he himself can finally understand after the new encounter with Imagase breaks the quiet surface of his existence. The desirable man that Otomo is in his colleagues' eyes, through Imagase's cynical and revealing gaze he proves to be none other than a failed seducer, a man devoid of lash and decisiveness, a figure suddenly insecure even about what the true and intense physical pleasure is and how to gain it. It is Imagase who makes the miracle, intercepting his senpai's emotional black hole, and the latter finally manages to find out where the borders of his own self lay and how to humbly face his own limitations and inner being. This does not happen thanks to a man, nor thanks to a good guy, but rather because of a tempting snake who exploits Otomo's weaknesses with a cheeky and direct attitude towards him; by acting like so, Imagase takes a vengeance towards his own young self, first of all, the one who had been unable to face with sincerity the object of his adoration, back then. "No matter how sweet he might be, he is war away, like the moon."

His impetuous whims and his sensual attentions take the lid off Otomo's soul in the deep and they produce the most unexpected of effects, by reversing the parts of this play: Otomo, the one who never even thought he would were to find himself one day on the verge of turning 30 years old by asking himself about the true nature of love, becomes fond of the weird daily life established with Imagase, and he adapts himself to such cohabitation with surprising rapidity. He becomes more and more aware of a homosexual relationship in which he, however not knowing how to move, goes on with the cautiousness, the tenderness and the care he had never reserved to any other person before, in his whole life. He even gets to question himself what it is that truly determines the happiness of a couple, both in the short and medium-long term. As for Imagase, he teaches his senpai how to increase the physical pleasure in a more and more intense way, making him find out what offering someone unconditional love means. Someone who is clearly an imperfect one in all his weaknesses, but at the same time someone who is loved for the one he is, and not just because he embodies the ideal of an unattainable perfect man.

As the relationship with Otomo evolves, though, it is Imagase slowly losing the control he had on the whole situation, as he lavishes his spasmodic need for affection -also made up of a sometimes exasperating and childish attitude-  on a story born out of a youthful crush later evolved in true and heartbreaking love, against every possible prevision.  

"I'm just eating away your current existence. I can't make you happy."

"I'll decide whether or not I'm happy. We're both so selfish."

That is why within the play of the cunning black cat with his naive mouse, it is no obvious at all who the real prey or the predator are; quite on the contrary, the roles are repeatedly overturned, both on a psychological and on a sexual level, in a turn-up which is mostly unprecedented as for what Boys' Love works are concerned: as the pages become more daring, there's a parallel growth of the sexual purse power that each of these main characters can use towards one another. A strong and undermining power. Playing tag, letting go, keeping on running after each other once again: all of those are demonstration of a love both childish and adult-like in its elements, a overwhelming love taken to the limit of the obsession, a deep affection that while looking straight into reality, forces both men to ask themselves how much they are willing to leave back of their own selfishness in exchange for an improper relationship, and yet a fulfilling and indispensable one. That is why it is equally truly fitting, the choice of borrowing the name of animals for the titles of the chapters, and these very same animals appears as 'guest-stars' inside the story itself: from a frame hanging at a restaurant to a lighter herald of jealousies, there is no similarity more proper than fish, cats, snakes, owls and butterflies to suggest us behaviours that are to recall the most primeval and animal-like instincts of the human beings. Weaving traps and spider webs: those mean, sleazy and petty acts that people also do when they're in love. "The obstacle is you. And so am I." The frame of this symbolism closes with a gaze looking up at the cover illustration, where the portraits of animals silently stand out in the background behind the main characters. At the same time, such a gaze looks suggestively up at the moon: the Romeo and Juliet described by Shakespeare invoked the moon for an eternal oath, while the Japanese writer Natsume Soseki in his famous 'Tsuki ga kirei, desu ne?' (the moon is beautiful tonight, isn't it?) metaphorically used the moon for a declaration of love. Mizushiro-sensei entrusts the white satellite with Otomo and Imagase's most unspeakable thoughts, for which the moon so becomes a silent leitmotif, as if it was a sensual tokonoma opening inside the story for all those people who can see beyond it: a sort of a story in the story, like a delicate, deep, subtle and intimate alcove. It goes beyond saying that every single dialogue of Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru manga is either enigmatic and cheeky and equally provoking and misleading: what we do reckon we understand about Otomo and Imagase, through their own words, gets later regularly denied by other facts. With thick lines and dialogues that are to tell us the very contrary of what they actually intend to convey, we cannot help but rely then on the inner voices of the many Otomos in his mind, in order to understand the nude truth: the white Otomo, the black and the grey one can maybe remind us of the concept behind the Pixar movie Inside Out, but Kyuso's one is by far forerunner of the latter. Mizushiro-sensei will make excellent use of such theme again by exploring it fully, and not without a subtle humour, in her following Nōnai Poison Berry manga; at the same time, the intricate juxtaposition of human beings and animals comes back to life in the well appreciated Shoujo manga Afterschool Nightmare, while the ultimate aim to attribute to ourselves and to love becomes the core of the romantic comedy Shitsuren Chocolatier, winner of the 36th Kodansha Manga Award - Shojo/Josei and also nominated for the Tezuka Award in 2014. Other than a fully substantial work per se, Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru can be also seen as a sort of effective experimental testing ground for the mangaka herself and her various best works.

"You think that's acceptable?!"

"Acceptable to whom?"

"To society!"

"You're overly self-conscious, as usual... society doesn't care about your sex life."

Mizushiro-sensei's style distinguishes itself for a modern and state-of-the-art graphic, an elegant and refined one, and Kyuso makes no exception: the peculiar design, so clean without any trace of deburring, gets softened as time and years passing by, as we can see by comparing the drawings made for the first chapters of the story with those from the Melancholy Butterfly onwards, and until the recent Hummingbird Rhapsody. Here the lines are so delicate and thin that they almost suggest us they could literally flake off under the piercing gaze of the reader. By leafing through the tankobon, all we can see are tidy pages, sometimes with no balloons at all, thus resulting in a huge expressive performance. The design is sharp and essential as for what details are concerned, but it is no minimalistic one; it is accurate in the depiction of bodies in every detail and characterized by a certain subtle sensuality, this latter marking not only the most rated scenes but also able to permeate the whole work instead. As used as she is in narrating with extraordinary ability about twisted and askew themes and exploring the human psyche with related sexual and gender identity issues, Mizushiro Setona offers us pages with highly aesthetic value, thrilling and bold ones, not without a sort of a certain aesthete voyeurism when depicting lovemaking scenes, however never vulgar at all. They manage to effectively evoke with a surprising visual impact, instead, the devastating passions from which both the characters and the readers end up being shaken and overwhelmed from. The violence this manga is impregnated with is mostly about its psychological insight, rather than the physical one, sex being however undoubtedly an inescapable element of the complicated events binding Otomo to Imagase: it is a key of the story but no ultimate reason of it. That is why we cannot help but follow, almost in a state of trance, how this couple is eventually able to get to intimately know each other by starting from a kiss born out of a blackmail, and thenquickly slackening every inhibition under the sheets through reversal of positions, seme/uke roles and sadomasochistic implications.

"Do you love me? Or after you got a taste of being loved so passionately are you pretending to be my lover as compensation for my feelings?"

How such a sentimental-psychological tangle can be outlined into a story constantly in balance between drama and comedy, keeping a perfect balance between each of its many faces always, without ever falling nor losing a thing, the reader can find it one page after another, surprising himself together with Otomo and Imagase in a thick and tormented love story, terribly authentic as much as its complicated and complex characters are. The pressing storyboard does now allow any rest nor break nor peace: accusations and skirmishes rebound from one man to the other in a never-ending evolution and involution of the personalities of the characters, that is until the unsettling ending; when the time of the games finishes and infantilism stops, another moment inevitably comes. The moment when the face of the adult we want to show to other people outside, goes finally and fully matching the inner essence of us as human beings. That very moment when one can take responsibility towards its own self.

"Poking holes in happiness makes you unhappy.

Nobody understands what I'm going through.

No one knows about the happiness I got to feel despite navigating into an ocean of doubts."

Otomo' sexism, while appreciating what Imagase offers him despite never intimately accepting it’s a man providing him with such a pleasure, vanishes in the very moment he gives his lover a vintage Château Pétrus bottle: it is one of the finest French wines in the whole world, thus suggesting his precious man the implicit idea of being an equally unique and irreplaceable one. Carrying on with a relationship where people can look at each other's eye and discuss, offering our whole self not in order to give back something we received but rather to go beyond our own self, it is then something quite different from seeking the pleasure of a night without any involvement: it is not the same indecisive man he was before, the one for whom appearances in society stops being an excuse, the man suddenly questioning himself how it might be wooing a man rather than a woman, or whether the relationship between two homosexual guys might even be more complete and deep than the one a heterosexual man might start with someone belonging to a ‘different’ universe from his own one.

What is love, then, if not the innate strength that allows us to see beyond our stiff self-esteem and pride, in order to overcome our limitations and arrive and reach the most intimate recesses of the one soul we naturally tend? And it is not only the Boys' Love theme per se to be central in this story, quite rather something that transcends every gender limitation to virtually embrace every kind of love, regardless of any possible colour or legitimacy. And that is because a different way of loving is no inadequate love nor a "less" love. However merely brushing LGBTQ+ themes, however never aspiring to become a gender manifesto, the Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru manga is able to outline some of these aspects with great perspicacity; there's then the excellent portrait offered to the weaknesses of the human being, slave of a need for affection as much hidden as obscure and here translated into the relentlessness of a physical and lacerating love. It does confirm to us how much the social and psychological themes are here treated with crude realism and keen sensibility. In a perfect synthesis of the Yin and Yang elements, Otomo and Imagase's greedy, mean and liar characters are flecked in a sometimes merciless way, not to mention the moment they mean to hurt other people but end up cleaving their own self instead first: it is a couple of uncomfortable characters the one we have here, someone with whom it is definitely not a pleasure to identify ourselves with, someone we wish never to meet, if any. Someone that nonetheless chooses never to give up when in front of human frailty, and that is why these characters end up being unusually authentic, charming and unforgettable ones. " I was hoping, someday, that by sharing my way of loving with you, you would have done the same to me one day." - Imagase -

 "Ugh... I don't lose my temper like this with women." - Otomo -

The new revised All in One Edition reunites the two original volumes into one, which comes with a few color pages in the introduction and the brand new extra Hummingbird Rhapsody chapter. As for what the censorship is concerned, the original pages have actually been partially edited in a very few graphic details: it has been Mizushiro-sensei herself to provide them at the request of the Japanese publisher for the revised edition, which is meant to remove every explicit content starting from 28th January 2020. That happens in order to make the manga available also to a younger target, as the live action movie received a R15+ rating. Censorship involves however only the depiction of male genitals in a few specific, small and delimited portions of the pages, mainly in the first chapters of the story, and does not apply anywhere else. Female nipples and breasts, naked bodies and rated love making are left totally untouched, and so are the original dialogues, the true quintessence of this manga. Even the revised edition presents the harsh and explicit tones of the original pages and there is none of the messages conveyed by the manga that has been damaged or watered down by the re-print. "Love is divine punishment."

Carrying a perfect balance between seduction and feelings, the Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru manga is a challenging, demanding and intense reading. It is a mature story filled with issues, a complex and provoking one; it is compulsory to get near this story with the utmost attention, receiving though a crescendo of emotions that the reader will feel entangled with until the very last page. The Italian poet Giacomo Leopardi would have probably defined it a "matto e disperatissimo" love, a 'mad and utterly desperate' one. Like a river in flood sweeping everything away, the need for getting to know how to slacken control of ourselves and how to gain it back: educating the passion in a relationship is complicated to the point of seeming almost unmanageable.

Love in daily life is quite a different issue from the feelings of a romance novel, an engagement that forces people to swallow bitter bites sometimes, an endless tension towards the other and towards ourselves. In this story that happens to painfully disturbs the deepest part of the heart, we do not know who is the one leading the game; both characters here overthrow the typical Boys' Love canons, an audacious, cocky and authentic couple ready to question itself always.

A story that cannot be missed for all the lovers of the Boys' Love genre, Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru is also quite appropriate for all those one searching for an atypical love story, a strong and nonetheless sensual one, sublimated by a masterful introspection and a very welcome hint of subtle and stinging humour. It is a work dealing with many interesting and complicated issues, though never boasting about none of its many qualities.

A story that knows no limitation and no borders. One of those volumes to keep on the shelf of our own personal bookcase with the utmost care, to take up every now and then in our hands and find new shades of meaning after every new re-reading.

**

Originally written and posted in Italian @ Animeclick

[taestrawberrie]

Louder than bombs 2

Pairing: yoongi x reader x taehyung

Synopsis: When taehyung appears at your front door unannounced everything in your relationship goes to shit.

Warnings: angst, fluff, smut (eventually)

I’ll try and do songs for each part hopefully until I can come up with a playlist good enough for it.

I can’t move, I wish I could but I’m terrified to look into Yoongi’s eyes, instead my eyes meet Tae’s. He has a smug look on his face, eyes burning a hole into my soul. I should look away but I can’t bring myself to divert my eyes anywhere else. 

Looking at him brings back a mixture of emotions. I can still remember when I first saw him. His hair was caught my attention first, black with light waves, his bangs slightly covering his eyes while the back was longer. He walked with such confidence it was almost intimidating but when my eyes scanned over his features he looked so innocent and harmless.   

“You seem very intrigued by this piece?” I was taken aback by the deepness of his voice. “Yeah” I said my eyes still transfixed by Yoko Ono’s cut piece “She’s one of my favorite photographers, artist and singers. She gets a lot of unnecessary hate” I take a sip of my drink trying to relieve the dryness in my throat. “I had no clue she did any thing else besides music and I’m sorry for what I’m about to say but her music isn’t that good...that is if you consider whale noises music.”

At that statement I pull my eyes away from the piece and face the stranger who’s already starring at me with his deep eyes. “Ha! I knew that would catch your attention, I’m Taehyung” a smirk can’t help but appear on my face when I catch a glimpse of his smile, it’s beautiful and infectious “Y/N” 

   We spoke endlessly that night about Van Gogh, Salvador Dali and a bunch of other painters. I found out that night that Tae was also a painter but his first love was photography, that fact attracting me to him even more.  I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss him. Yes I was unsure of my feelings when I was with him but I felt so comforted and at the time maybe that’s what I needed but, I knew I need to end things. I  couldn’t keep hurting Yoongi (even if he was obvious to what was going on) just to spite him and I couldn’t selfishly keep Tae behind me like a lost puppy waiting for me to only be his.

“y/n who is he?” I can tell by the tone in his voice that Yoongi is getting annoyed, perhaps even irradiated just waiting for me to give him an answer. I spin on my heels, taking  a deep breathI face my boyfriend who’s standing arms crossed just a few feet from me. His face is blank but I can tell by just looking at his eyes that he knows something is up, they look hurt and I immediately hate myself for knowing that I’m the cause for that. I want to come up with an excuse, I want to tell him Tae is just a friend but I know deep I have to tell him I just can’t keep doing this to him, I love him.

“T-This is Taehyung...we...Um kinda had a thing when you and I were on bad terms. It didn’t last long...I didn’t have any feelings for him I-I promise” I start to walk over towards Yoongi who’s expression is still the same but I can tell by the way he’s clenching his jaw that he’s angry. “You cheated on me?” the words stumble out his mouth “I-I’m sorry, he didn’t mea-” a chuckle cuts me off “I didn’t mean anything to you? How about all those times you said you loved me? That you would leave him for me? Or when I was eating you out and you said he could never compa-” “GET OUT! DON’T TALK ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND LIKE THAT” I’m startled by Yoongi. He has never once raised his voice at anyone even when he’s been really angry, he always said he wasn’t the type that it just wasn’t in him.

Tae and I lock eyes, there’s sadness in his eyes and I can see that there’s still love in them, even after what I said. My heart beats when I notice the way he looks at me a part of me wants to go and hug him give him a kiss on the cheek and tell him I’m sorry but the other part of me never wants to see him again. “I’ll talk to you later Y/N...maybe this time you’ll finally answer me”he walks out shutting the door behind him leaving just Yoongi and I in silence. 

I reach over to cup his face but he jerks it away, looking into his eyes they’re watery and my heart shatters. Yoongi has always been a composed person, hiding his emotions or not being able to express them properly and over the years I’ve learned to adapt to it, I almost thought he was unbreakable maybe not even human until now. 

He looks deeply into your eyes arms still crossed. He doesn’t know how to react to what he just heard. To say it crushed his ego would be an understatement, now he’s second guessing all the times you’ve been intimate together. Were you just faking it to make him feel better? Did you really mean all those I love yous? But then again why would you end it with him just come back? By the looks of it that Taehyung guy was attractive more then he was, he was more manly unlike him but yet you came back, why?

“Baby I’m sorry it really meant nothing to me. All those things I said to him were meaningless, I only love you Yoongi...I only want to spend my life with you baby” he searches your eyes looking for the truth. His brown eyes penetrate your hazel eyes where they sat for a few seconds. He reaches out to cup your face with his hands, he still loves you even after finding out he always will. 

“I’m sorry Yoongs-” he cuts you off with a passionate kiss, it’s short but it still causes your heart to swell a bit. His hand remains on your face, his thumb slowly caressing your cheekbone “I don’t want to talk about this right now...can we just go to bed and listen to one of your vinyls until we fall asleep?” you nod a bit disappointment that he didn’t want to discuss it but also not wanting to push it. His fingers interlock with yours as he leads you to the bedroom, that night he holds you tight as if he’s afraid to let you go, afraid of you slipping from his fingers once again.

It’s been 2 weeks since you last saw Yoongi, you both still spoke and text daily but he’s been distance which is understandable. You’re confused as to what your relationship is as of right now as he has avoid the topic every time you attempt to bring it up answering that he has to go. You’re a little sadden about not seeing him and it only stings more than whenever you say I love you he stays silent and changes the topic. Again you can’t blame him you understand that it’s not something easy to deal with and he’s coping with it in his own way, you just wish he would let you in more but you’re allowing him the distance he needs.

After work you decided to go to the cafe down the street for a coffee feeling so drained from running around with the kids. You’re an elementary school art teacher and while sometimes you get tried from constantly being on high alter you wouldn’t change it for the world. You greet the cashier and order your regular, an Iced Americano, Yoongi turned you onto it and ever since then you’ve been addicted. Once your coffee is ready you take a seat at one of the near by tables to unwind a bit before going home, taking a sip from your coffee you instantly feel relaxed closing your eyes just enjoying the quietness of the cafe.

Your mind starts to wonder you don’t want to assume the worse but you know that you have to be realistic...your relationship with Yoongi is ruined and it’s all your fault. You were a dumbass to even think no to even go through with the idea of cheating on him. Yes when it all happened you were going through a rough patch, him moving away to another town for 5 months while you stayed home but that doesn’t justify any of it. It was easy at first with both of you talking constantly making the distance between the  2 of you seem almost non-exist but that only lasted a minute. After the first month and a half passed the problems and silly arguments began to make their presence. One night you had had enough when you found heard a women’s voice on the other line calling him baby, he tried to deny it saying it was just the tv but you knew better it also didn’t help he had began distancing himself and missing your calls.

He kept calling you after that day trying to example the situation to clear it up for you but every time his story kept changing. Around this time is when you met Taehyung at the museum, he gave you the attention that you were craving and both you were equally passionate about art, him always praising your work with kids, saying you were molding their minds from an early age. You have to admit to yourself that you did care about Taehyung maybe you even liked him but not the same way as Yoongi. 

He distracted you from the pain that you felt being apart from Yoongi and in a way he you felt like you had found your soulmate in him but in a non-loving way. Both of you would talk endlessly about movies, jazz, art and photography even going on dates to the park at night to capture the sincere. He was well aware of your relationship but he couldn’t help himself from falling for you. In all his 24 years of life he had never met anyone like you, he admired what you did the way you were so caring and passionate about your art work and music equally. You’re hippie-like mentality and your way of speaking causing him to blush any time you spoke. 

“Hey, can we talk?” loosing your train of thought your eyes shoot up to the handsome man in front of you, a man you know too well.

[tmariea]

Correspondence

Rating: G

Paring: Bagginshield in mention

Summary: After Frodo comes to live with Bilbo, he writes a letter to Balin and The Company to tell of the news, and reminisce. This being the first draft, in which he perhaps does more reminiscing than he first intended.

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Being the first draft of a letter composed to Balin and The Company of the Lonely Mountain, composed in Bag End, The Shire in spring of 2980:

Hail Balin!

I hope this letter finds you well, and I apologize that it has been so long since my last.  Undoubtedly I have missed hearing from all of you in The Mountain.  I have had some trouble finding someone capable of carrying messages for such a long way, but I have recently met a fellow named Strider, a ranger who was travelling to Rivendell and promised to see my letter into the right hands.

Today I write to you with momentous news!  Momentous, and life altering for certain, but perhaps not entirely wondrous.  My Nephew, Frodo Baggins, has come to live in my care at Bag End.  I am very glad to have him here, and to have another soul to fill Bag End much the way it was intended.  But this comes at the loss of his parents, Drogo and Primula Baggins, my closest cousins.  I am very saddened by their passing; they were amongst the few family I had living close by that did not view my small adventure as a matter of scandal.  Frodo is saddened as well.  Sometimes I see the same grief in his eyes that I have seen in my own.

But, when he is not saddened, he is settling in well.  We had a grand time cleaning out one of the guest rooms and outfitting it to his liking.  He smiled so widely when I let him choose some books from the study to fill the small shelf in his room.  It was the first time he smiled like that since coming to live here.  I remember thinking I would never smile like that again too.  I enjoy trying new recipes for all of Frodo’s favorite foods (see!  I am quite amenable to company when it is not 13 dwarfs bent on cleaning out my larder!), and we have also been planting the new spring’s flowers alongside Hamfast Gamgee and his son Samwise.  Frodo and Sam seem to be mostly interested in rolling about in the dirt and crushing the flowers at this age, but we managed to plant some Forget-me-Not, Sweet Pea, Zinnia and Lavender.  Each of these are flowers that have some meaning for goodbyes, remembrance and peace; it would be similar to giving a gift of obsidian, green aventurine, and aragonite.

Otherwise, Frodo is doing his best to run me into the ground between dashing about Bag End with no consideration for fragile heirlooms, and making all kinds of mischief.  I feel far more respect for Glóin than I ever have before for raising Gimili, and that is even without Frodo having the ability to find his way into forges, armories, mines, and other dangerous places where fauntlings or dwarflings should not find themselves.  I’ve already had to smooth things over with Farmer Magot over an incident with Frodo, his cousins, and a good many mushrooms which did not belong to them.  If you could ply Glóin for advice on handling energetic youngsters, I would be much obliged.

Frodo asks after Gandalf quite frequently.  He was quite taken with the old wizard when he visited two years ago and of course showed off his fireworks.  He is convinced since Gandalf is a wizard and the two of us friends that I could summon him with a wave of my hand and then ‘poof’ there he would be on the front porch.  The way Frodo imagines it reminds me in a way of the arrival of the company, although all of you arrived with far less magical ‘poofs’ and far more falling into the front hallway!  But, at any rate, if you happen to see Gandalf before we do, would you mention that we miss him on this side of the world as well?  Truth is I haven’t heard of him, not even the barest rumor, since that visit two years ago.  I know well that he can take care of himself but that doesn’t stop a Hobbit from worrying!  I will give a letter for him to Strider as well, to be left at Rivendell for whenever he might pass through next.

Frodo asks for the story of our adventure quite often as well.  He wants to hear about how his Uncle fought a dragon.  As if it was not how his Uncle mostly snuck about and hid from a dragon while others did the fighting.  Telling it again and again makes me nostalgic for those days, and miss you all very dearly.  Balin it makes the grief so fresh.  I had thought it tempered by time and distance but it aches like an emptiness inside me.  I have lost whole evenings after putting Frodo to bed just staring into the fire.  Oh how I wish we had occasion to meet again!  Maybe we should make the trek to visit you in The Mountain.  Walking all that way would certainly use up some of Frodo’s endless stores of energy, and then all of you could keep him entertained for a time.  And how lovely it would be to introduce you all.

I wish beyond anything I have ever wished that I could introduce Frodo to Thorin and Fili and Kili.  Fili and Kili would think him great fun and enjoy teaching him how to get into even more trouble.  And Thorin… you know he loved Fili and Kili so much, loved being their Uncle and having a hand in how they grew.  One only had to watch the three of them together to know that Thorin would have made a wonderful father.  I can picture it so clearly in my mind’s eye, Thorin and I and Frodo sitting around a hearth while I tell stories and Thorin plays his harp and Frodo laughs.  So clearly that sometimes I have looked to my left only to be surprised that no one is there.  We talked about it once, you know, what things might be like once we had reclaimed The Mountain, what it might be like to have a home into which we could welcome a young Dwarf or Hobbit.  One quiet evening, when it was warm and the stars were bright, and we were hopeful.  It’s strange and somehow even more lonely to miss a time which never came to pass.

At any rate, in absence of a visit in person, I was wondering if you might be able to send a current drawing of The Company?  I did a sketch as soon as I returned to the Shire, and Frodo loves looking at it every chance he gets.  But since it was only from my own memory, I worry that I may not have captured every detail as faithfully as I would like.  And then I beg, if there are any drawings of Thorin, Fili, and Kili that could be copied, I would dearly love to have them as well. The last image I have in my head is of each of them lying on that horrible battlefield.  In doing my own drawing I had to fight so hard to keep their lifeless faces from tainting this memory.  More days than I like to admit I lose that fight.

That is the end of my requests for you then, except for one more, which is to send me news of how you all fare and what you have been doing in The Mountain as of late!  I have included some small gifts with my letter, if you could see that they make their way into the right hands.  There will be a new pastry recipe for Bombur, and I had to employ every skill at trickery I learned with you all to pry the secret from my great aunt’s cookbooks.  For Bofur are a few images of some of the new toys I have bought for Frodo; I did my best to guess at what the mechanisms might be.  Ori expressed some interest in Hobbit fashion, so I there are some sketches of the most fashionable Hobbits at this spring’s harvest dance.  If you would not mind, I have included some drawings to place on Thorin, Fili, and Kili’s tombs as well – Zinnia for Fili and Kili, and for Thorin the single blooming tea rose.  And finally for all of you, some sheet music for a song that everyone can sing and play together.  I hope this last gift will give you all an excuse to gather around a fire together once more.

Yours in eternal friendship and burglary – Bilbo Baggins, Bag End, The Shire

This draft will be discarded in favor of a new version with far less cross-outs, and absolutely no tear stains.  It will find itself into a locked drawer in Bilbo’s writing desk, to join Bilbo’s sketch of the company (when Frodo isn’t begging to see it) and a few other important pieces of correspondence.  When Balin’s reply arrives, Bilbo will read this draft once more before throwing it away for good.  In its place will be added the new letter, a sketch of ten smiling dwarfs – only slightly older and more weathered than Bilbo remembered – an image of Fili and Kili with their arms slung about each other’s shoulders, and one meticulous sketch of King Thorin Oakenshield, drawn only a year before The Company set out for the Shire and copied by Balin’s own hand.

[royallyprincesslilly]

Title: Going Through Motions{2}

Title: Going Through Motions {2}

Steve Rogers X Reader OFC Korral “Korri” Evans

Warning: Plot, Cursing, Mild Sexually Suggestive Content

Word Count: 2K

Summary: You and Steve had a hot, passionate, and wild romance seven years ago when you worked with the Avengers. It was the best year of your life; you’d never felt the things you’d felt in all your life. Then out of nowhere, Steve just ended things—in a letter. A heartbreaking letter, then the world deemed him a criminal, and he disappeared. Now, you’ve moved on and have gotten engaged to rich man Marc Spector. Tony brings you back to work with the newly rebuilt Avengers that is still led by Captain America who is definitely done asking for permission and not looking for forgiveness. Or is he?

Note: So, for this fic, we are going to alter the MCU timeline a bit. This takes place after Civil War, but Infinity War has not happened yet. Steve is off the grid for seven years before he comes back. {I know that’s a long time, but let me rock please} Also, I’m going to be introing/adding in Moon Knight (Marc Spector) in just because I feel like it and I want to start exploring other Marvel characters and of course I will twist him to serve my purposes.

**Loosley Proofread/edited**

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“Man is it good to be back,” Sam said as he dropped into the couch in one of the lounge areas at the Avengers complex. You smiled. “I’ll take your word for it.” You walked over to him and the others and passed around their credentials.

   It had been almost a month since their names were cleared, and good standings returned with the citizens of the world. Everyone was glad to have them back, and they weren’t shy to express it. Of course, with them expressing their joy of the return of Wanda, Vision, Sam, and Natasha there was a lot of confusion as to where Cap was. The public was notified that his name was also cleared, and he was free to return and would be welcomed. With that information they began to think he’d abandoned them for real and wouldn’t return. With each passing day that he didn’t return you were becoming more and more comfortable with the fact that he wouldn’t come back. The others didn’t bring him up; they simply said they hadn’t heard from him in the last few months, that he’d stopped communication.

   “I missed the food,” Wanda said. “I missed the network,” Vision added. You smiled and stood to the side and watched them all interact. It was clear they’d formed a close-knit family over the years. You couldn’t imagine what it was like to be on the run and living off the grid. It had to be hard, especially having to evade authorities and the countless operatives the government sent their way.

“You never used to be quiet, what’s wrong with you?” You looked to Natasha and smiled. “I’m fine, just—glad to have you all back. It’s been a long time.” Wanda and Natasha approached you and hugged you. You’d been very close to them years ago, and now they felt like strangers but strangers who would quickly become friends again. You saw Tony enter the room.

   “Very glad everyone is enjoying getting reacquainted. I see Korral has given you all your credentials back and I’m happy to say you all are officially no longer criminals. Ross got back to me with the official news; records are expunged. You are even off of the no-fly list. I mean I don’t know why you were on that anyway it’s not like any of you ever fly commercial.”

   “Why fly commercial when you can fly quinjet,” Sam piped up. You shook your head pleased to see his sense of humor was still the same.

  “I’m throwing a party!” Tony added. “Of course, you are,” Natasha dryly commented as she took a seat in the barstool next to you. “I think we have plenty to celebrate.” Everyone looked to each other; no one looked like they agreed. “Doesn’t feel like it without Cap,” Sam voiced up. Everyone was thinking it, they nodded in unison, and a silence fell over the room, a heavy silence.

  “Then I sure hope it feels like it now?” Everyone’s head snapped to the door where Steve stood dressed in his suit. Your stomach fell to the ground, and you stumbled back into the bar.

   “You sly dog, always know how to make an entrance,” Sam said, getting up and crossing to him before pulling him into a hug. “Hey Sam.” Soon everyone else followed and crossed to him to greet him. You stood where you were just staring at him. He looked a hell of a lot different. When you last saw him he was clean-shaven with neatly groomed blond hair, now that was not the case. His face was covered in a groomed goatee that was perfectly filled in. His hair was also much longer, so much longer that your fingers wanted to entangle themselves in it. As your eyes traveled downward, taking him in, your mouth went dry once you realized how much bigger he was. Damn, being on the lam was good for the body, you thought.

   Your body began to tingle; it was a tingle that started in your belly and branched out to every part of you—every part. By the time your eyes finally finished their feast you realized the silence in the room had returned. Wanda and Nat were looking at you, but the others were looking between Tony and Steve. Neither of them spoke, but you knew there was a lot to say. “Cap,” Tony began. Steve nodded. “Tony.” Again, silence ensued. You didn’t know if there would be yet another fight or if both men had enough time to reflect and grow. Tony held out his hand to Steve, an action that shocked you and those around you. Steve looked to his hand and quickly took it, shaking it. The two closed the gap between them and embraced. You couldn’t help but feel a small betrayal. In all these years you knew that Tony was pissed at Steve for his actions and you felt some weird solidarity with him. Now it looked like the hatchet between them was buried.

 All eyes turned to you, and you felt like you were a contestant on some gameshow you didn’t want to be on. They all knew you and Steve were together seven years ago. Your relationship was the topic of discussion many times, to Steve’s annoyance. Wanda and Nat knew how you’d felt about him; they knew very well. His eyes bore into you—the same eyes you’d stared into countless times as he brought your body to indescribably pleasure. You’d played this moment in your head time and time again. You’d wondered what it would be like the first time you saw him. You wondered what you’d say, how you’d act, what he’d say, how he’d act. Standing across from him your entire relationship played out before you at warp speed: the intense beginning, passionate, wild and hot middle and even the soul crushing ending. At the thought of the end you broke eye contact.

   “Maybe we should--,” Natasha began. You shook your head coming back to your senses, and the present and waved it off. “No need for that.” You walked toward the group of them taking the route that had you walking behind the couches; it was the long way. You could feel Steve’s eyes on you. “Welcome home Captain.” You stopped several feet from him with a smile plastered on your face. “Thank you Korri.” At the mention of his nickname for you, a blazing heat ran down your spine to curl in your belly, a heat that jump-started your memory of every time he’d whispered the name in your ear or grunted it out in your bed as he came undone on top of you. It tripped you up. You cleared your throat. “It’s uh—it’s actually just—Korral works fine.” Steve nodded once then lowered his eyes from yours to skim your body. That was a bold move you thought to yourself, a move Steve from seven years ago would not have done. He would have kept his professionalism in front of everyone.

   “Well, I’ll get started on your credentials.” You abruptly turned and walked out of the room doing your best to keep your head up and back straight even though your legs were complete jelly.

  Three hours later you were lying on the carpet of your office staring up at the night sky lost in thought of nothing in particular. That was not the case two hours ago. Two hours ago, you were slightly a mess, so much of a mess, you’d drank the bottle of cognac you’d had in your desk for years. You didn’t just have a glass or two, you had the entire bottle and relived your relationship with Steve. You went over everything, first meet, first conversation, first touch that was more than a touch, first date, first kiss, first time you made love which was the same night of your first date, first I love you, first kiss in front of the team; it all swam in your head, and though you were over it all, it still impacted you.

“Are you okay?” Opening your eyes, you saw Wanda and Natasha standing over you. “Oh yeah, I’m good.” It was a lie, and they knew it and sank to the floor to lie on either side of you. They didn’t speak; instead they waited for you to speak. You didn’t know what to say; it had been seven years since you’d had a heart to heart or divulged your secrets. It dawned on you then that since they’d disappeared you hadn’t talked to another woman about things. You’d buried it all.

  “Safe to say Cap’s been hitting the gym,” Wanda breached. The three of you laughed together for the next few minutes. Before long, your laughter turned to sobs. You sprang up and covered your face, unsure what had come over you. Both Natasha and Wanda put their arm around you. “I’m sorry I don’t know what this is.” Wiping the tears away you sniffled and tried to get a grip. “You don’t have to apologize.” Wanda rubbed your arm. “Not to us, never to us,” she finished. You breathed out and nodded. “Do you want to talk about it?” you thought about it for a while but decided it didn’t serve a purpose. “No, there’s no point. I actually have to get home. it is late, and I should have been there hours ago.”

   You walked over to your desk on shaky legs and gathered your things. You had to sober up before you got home. Wanda and Nat helped you outside where a car was waiting. You didn’t bother protesting, you slid in the back and sunk into the seat getting comfortable for the hour and a half ride back to the city and Marc.

When you got home, you expected him to be there to meet you at the door, but when you walked inside you were greeted with silence. You rushed to your bedroom hoping to make it to the bathroom to jump in the shower to wash away the tears. When you got into the bedroom he wasn’t there either, you stripped and jumped in the shower where you remained for the next hour. The shower was your thinking spot; you made all your decisions over a shower. It was in the shower you decided to test the waters with Steve, it was also there you decided to go on that date with him, and it was there you became one with the decision you loved him.

   When you got out and walked in the bedroom, you were so lost in your own thoughts that you didn’t realize you weren’t alone. When you felt arms around you, you nearly jumped out your skin before you used one of your defensive moves twisting the arm over your head to come up behind them to hold them in a chokehold. It wasn’t until you’d done it you realized it was Marc. “Oh my god Marc I’m so sorry.” He laughed out loud then turned to you. “Wow, I forgot who you were for a minute,” he said with an amused smile on his face. You’d never been so absentminded not to realize he was there.

   “I’m sorry.” He pulled you to his body and lifted you in his arms before he placed a juicy kiss on your lips. “You’re lucky you’re so beautiful even when you’re putting me in a chokehold.” You smiled and allowed him to kiss you again. “I don’t know where my head was.” Marc placed you on the bed and hovered over you. “Long day?” You have no idea, you thought. “Kind of, but I’m here now.” Marc kissed your forehead and then your lips again. “I can take your mind off it if you’d like.” You smiled, knowing just where he was going. Marc’s idea of a good stress release was a roll in the sheets. Usually, you’d be down to work up a sweat with him, but tonight it felt different, and you didn’t know why. As he trailed kisses down your body you tried to get in the mood. When his head disappeared between your legs you closed your eyes and tried to focus on what he was doing to you and the way he was making you feel. It took great effort to focus on nothing and no one else, but somehow you accomplished it, and Marc was none the wiser.

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[rhnuzlocke]

The Return

Hello! So on this, the third anniversary of when I first published Running Hot and the second anniversary of its completion, I return to bring you an all new rewrite in prose!

For all of you newbies the original story was a comic script based on an Omega Ruby Navlocke I played all the way back in 2015. It was also a self-imposed a writing challenge in which I drafted and published all 300,000+ words in exactly a year. It helped me immensely with my drafting and writing in general, so my plan for this prose revamp is to essentially repeat my original challenge to hopefully boost my redrafting and editing skills in the same way. I don’t know if I can manage in it in a year like last time (especially since I’m juggling two other runs atm) but that’s the goal! Wish me luck!

Sometimes in order to move forward, you have to look back. Or at least that’s what Latios says. So when the latest in a series of catastrophes sets her adrift, Ren tries to square with her demons and everything else, good and bad, that led her to this tipping point and plunged her over the edge.

Ren’s story, as she tells it, is about love in all its many forms and permutations. How it soured and broke her, how it warmed and healed her, how it inspired and drove her, and how it’s carried her through—and may well again before the end.

Prologue: There’s A Whisper Where Once There Was A Storm

Ren wakes in a cold sweat. Her head sways unsteadily with disorientation, her breath comes in gasps, and her heartbeat thrums in her ears. She touches her face and chokes back a cry, forces herself to breathe steadily now that she is no longer drowning. 

She throws the sheet aside and slides off the top bunk, picking her way carefully around sleeping bodies and out into the hall. She pads silently through the Pokemon Center and staggers out into the night. It is still dark, but the moon is bright enough to see by as she leaves the hazy glow of street lamps and wanders across the fields. The city fades behind her as she plunges heedlessly into the forest. She wends between the trees, arms outstretched to guide her through the dense dark beneath the dark canopy. Twigs crack under bare feet. Rough bark meets fingertips and brush drags at skin. She stumbles into a clearing and her feet soon become soaked to her ankles in the wet grass. She stops. This is far enough—lonely enough. Latios melts into the air beside her. He floats there for a moment, a being of aetherium unbound by gravity, before stretching out his hind wings and touching down on the turf. He flaps his forewings before settling them at his sides and leans forward ever so slightly so that his forepaws rest on the ground. Ren has never seen him sit before. Suddenly he has weight and physicality. Resting on the earth, he is a creature of flesh and bone like any other rather than an immortal god. It’s comforting, in its own way, but also profoundly terrifying. They are balanced at the edge of a cliff with the wind at their backs and very soon now they'll have to jump. “I thought we’d be able to stop it… I didn’t think they could get to me.” Nor did I, he says in her head. She is struck again by just how vast his mind feels, enveloping her in its ceaseless flowing, but after Kyogre’s pull, it is a welcome reprieve. But despite the tearing of every last defense, the starkness had revealed something new: a sense of connection that not even that first touch had given her. So maybe there was something left. “Why did you choose me?” I thought you didn’t care about that. “I thought so too, but now…” She takes a long breath. The night air is cool but not cold, misty but not an ocean of water crushing her beneath its weight. It soothes her throat in preparation for the fire. “I blew things sky high and everyone’s acting like it’s fine! But it’s not fine! I shouldn’t get off the hook for this just because I’m your partner! It was my screw-up!” She moves to pull at her hair and it’s like missing a stair when her fingers meet nothing but an inch of fuzz. She covers her face instead and ingrains the contours of the scar that has swallowed it into her palm. She can feel he has turned to look at her now, so she lowers her hands but stares off into the dark woods. “I know it’s done and we have to move forward. I want to trust that we can, but I’m having a hard time of it.” You must trust yourself first. “Yeah, well, it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to do that.” It’s too short—too final. It shouldn’t be. I know, he says gently. She’s still surprised by it after how acerbic he was on their first meeting. “I just thought it might help if I knew why—if I knew there was some reason for all of this.” I do not believe in fate. She laughs. She has to. “Don’t get me wrong, that’s a big relief, in a way, just not what I was expecting from a god of cycles. You’re all about patterns. You’ve seen this all before, repeating over and over again.” Yes. But you forget, among the gods, only my sibling and I grow, age, and die. Each time I am born, I am not quite the same as I was in my last life. I am always changing, just as the world is ever-changing. I make choices that alter the course of things, be it the world or only myself. I partnered with you because the cycle is threatened, because it can be broken. We are no more destined to fail than we are to succeed. So I do not believe that fate brought you to me. “But you still had a reason,” Ren presses. I did and I have told you several of them. “So that’s it?” She expects a yes or a graceful dip of his head, but he is still and quiet and looks off into the trees for almost as long as she can take. There is one criterion that I have not mentioned before. Not only must my partner be willing to risk their own life, but also those of their pokemon, or rather, allow their pokemon to risk their own lives. This is harder. And such willingness cannot be born of ignorance. In other words, I would never ask this undertaking of a trainer who didn’t… know the cost. The pain coils in her chest so tight that it turns her lungs to wood and the fire burns them. “Do you think someone else will die?” she asks, quiet and even so as not to choke on the smoke in her throat. Nothing is certain. It’s difficult not to grow frustrated with his platitudes, but she doesn’t know what she wanted him to say… And he’s right. But that means that you may yet pull them through this. Know that I will protect them to the best of my ability. “I didn’t think that was your area of expertise.” It comes out the way she meant it this time and the weight lifts just a little. Sometimes offense is the best defense. Wouldn’t you agree? And she can feel the wry smile in it to match her own. She finally looks at him and his deep red eyes meet hers. Her hand lifts almost on its own and she catches herself just before it makes contact. But he leans into her touch rather than pulling away and she tunnels her fingers into the fur of his neck. It’s soft and dense and the skin beneath is warm. “Thank you.” He unfurls his wing ever so slightly to nudge her with his shoulder. You are strong, Ren, in many ways. And your losses are not why I chose you. They do not define you. I saw something else, something singular. “Well, are you going to tell me, or is it some big secret?” she teases. We are soul-bonded. There are no secrets between us. But you may not like the answer. They were past that. “I still want to know.” Very well. Why did you become a trainer? Her hand fists in his fur. “Is this whole answer going to be more questions?” You don’t like being told things. “Got me there.” There is value in coming to one’s own conclusions. Her face wrinkles on one side and he nudges her with his wing shoulder. You became a trainer for your pokemon, correct? “Yes, but it’s not as simple as that.” Then explain it to me. She cocks her head and gives him her now lopsided skeptical expression. “You want my life story?” Speaking as someone who has seen it, I think there is much to be learned. She sighs. “Alright. This is going to be a long night.”

[this-year-ive-read]

Books I’ve Read in 2019 (A List in Progress)

The Devil and Sherlock Holmes - David Grann (***)

“The course of human events is not permanently altered by the great deeds of history, nor by the great men but by the small daily doings of the little men.”

Killers of the Flower Moon - The Osage Murders and the Birth of the FBI - David Grann (**)

“History is a merciless judge. It lays bare our tragic blunders and foolish missteps and exposes our most intimate secrets, wielding the power of hindsight like an arrogant detective who seems to know the end of the mystery from the outset.”

The Things They Carried - Tim O’Brien (****)

“They carried the sky. The whole atmosphere, they carried it, the humidity, the monsoons, the stink of fungus and decay, all of it, they carried gravity.”

“I survived, but it's not a happy ending.”

“But this too is true: stories can save us.”

Every Word You Cannot Say - Lain S Thomas (***)

“There are days when everyone needs you to be strong, even if you're dying inside, and you can only cry when no one's looking because you're petrified of letting them down.”

“I don’t know if I’m ever, really, ‘Here’”

Everything I Never Told You - Celeste NG (***)

“Before that she hadn’t realized how fragile happiness was, how if you were careless, you could knock it over and shatter it.”

“You never got what you wanted; you just learned to get by without it.”

Night - Elie Wiesel (****)

“To forget the dead would be akin to killing them a second time.

“Those who kept silent yesterday will remain silent tomorrow”

The Alice Network - Kate Quinn (**)

“Poetry is like passion--it should not be merely pretty; it should overwhelm and bruise.”

“What did it matter if something scared you, when it simply had to be done”

Love her wild - Atticus (***)

“We are made of all those who have built and broken us”

“A sky

full

of stars

and he

was staring

at her.”

When we Left Cuba - Chanel Cleeton (****)

“For the dreams that slip through our fingers.

May we hold them in our arms one day.”

“You can love someone and still not lose your reason.”

“Not all of us have the luxury of setting the world on fire, simply because we’re angry.”

Crush - Richard Siken (***)

“A man takes his sadness down to the river and throws it in the river

           but then he’s still leftwith the river. A man takes his sadness and throws it away

           but then he’s still left with his hands.”

“You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you.”

“They want you to love the whole damn world but you won’t, you want it all narrowed down to one fleshy man in a bath who knows what to do with his body, with his hands.”

War of the Foxes - Richard Siken (**)

“Someone has to leave first. This is a very old story. There is no other version of this story.”

“I want to give you more but not everything. You don’t need everything.”

Murder on the Orient Express - Agatha Christie (**)

“The impossible could not have happened, therefore the impossible must be possible in spite of appearances.”

Fool Me Once - Harlan Coben (***)

“All love stories,” Maya’s father had told her many years ago, “end in tragedy.”

“There are moments in life when everything changes.”

Pirate Hunters - Robert Kurson (*****)

“They made a sound I’d never heard before but somehow had known my whole life, a waterfall of muted chimes, dense and deep and old”

“When John asked his grandfather about being heroic, Arison told him that he had not done anything special, just what he thought was right”

“The world came alive when a person got a chance to be good”

“Do it now. Tomorrow is promised to no one”

“And promised himself that no matter what, he wouldn’t put off until tomorrow what his heart told him to go for today.”

“He just looked out at the world knowing it was finally too late for his father to have an adventure, and nothing seemed in color anymore.”

The Lost City of the Monkey God - Douglas Preston (***)

“But then the teules [foreigners] arrived and everything fell apart. They brought fear, and they came to wither the flowers.”

Crashing Through - Robert Kurson (****)

“It wasn't who a person believed himself to be or what he pretended he would do in a given situation. It was what he did when he got there that defined him.”

“May opened his eyes. Electric dots of silver-white, as many as the sound of a rainstorm, ran to every space in the world, and when he tried to see where they led there was no world anymore, they led everywhere, across a blanket of night that had no edges, and for a moment May didn’t know where he was among these stars, if he was under them or around them or beyond them, they were everywhere and he was everywhere, he was where he wanted to be.”

Shadow Divers - Robert Kurson (*****)

“This is where the hangers on, and wannabes, and also rans, and once greats keep believing in the sea.”

“I love you and you’re not here for me.”

Ross Poldark - Winston Graham (***)

“The greatest thing is to have someone who loves you and—and to love in return”

“Autumn lingered on as if fond of its own perfection.”

Demelza - Winston Graham (***)

“Strange sometimes how easy bitter words came, how hard the kind ones.”

“Let me stay a little longer in the sun.”

Love Looks Pretty on You - Lang Leav (****)

“You turn him into poetry because you can’t have him any other way.”

“I have been quiet lately, I know. Not because I don’t have anything to say but because I have too much.”

“I struggle with things that are as easy to others as breathing.”

“Here is the story of my life. Hoping they would care about me or wishing they wouldn’t care so much.”

“When love swept in like the ocean

And left me in drops, like rain.”

Jeremy Poldark - Winston Graham (***)

“Resentment and bitterness and old grudges were dead things, which rotted the hands that grasped them.”

“It isn’t where you’re born in this world, it’s what you do.”

Edgar: an Autobiography - Edgar Martinez (***)

“I concentrate on the moment and Don’t let the past or the future overwhelm me.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the greatest mariner of all time.”

Warleggan - Winston Graham (***)

“Their lives had been the tragedy of one woman who could not make up her mind.”

“It was not the cold of the night that she felt but an inner cold that no coat would cure.”

“Remember this she thought. In times of jealousy and neglect, remember this. He said: “so you are not to be rid of me, my love.” “So I am not to be rid of you, my love.””

The Black Moon - Winston Graham (**)

“Blemishes on the beauty of a person one loves are like grace notes adding something to a piece of music.”

“We can’t alter the world, we can only adapt ourselves to it.”

The Lost Girls of Paris - Pam Jenoff (*)

“It is simply not enough to be as good as the men. They don’t believe we can do this and so we have to be better.”

Emma - Jane Austen (***)

“If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.”

“I may have lost my heart, but not my self control.”

Wuthering Heights - Emily Brontë (****)

“Because he’s more myself than I am.  Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”

“I have not broken your heart—you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine.”

“The entire world is a dreadful collection of memoranda that she did exist, and that I have lost her!”

The Tenant of Wildfell Hall - Anne Brontë (****)

“beauty is that quality which, next to money, is generally the most attractive to the worst kinds of men;”

“But smiles and tears are so alike with me, they are neither of them confined to any particular feelings: I often cry when I am happy, and smile when I am sad.”

“If she gives you her heart,’ said I, ‘you must take it, thankfully, and use it well, and not pull it in pieces, and laugh in her face, because she cannot snatch it away.”

“This rose is not so fragrant as a summer flower, but it has stood through hardships none of them could bear: the cold rain of winter has sufficed to nourish it, and its faint sun to warm it; the bleak winds have not blanched it, or broken its stem, and the keen frost has not blighted it.  Look, Gilbert, it is still fresh and blooming as a flower can be, with the cold snow even now on its petals.—Will you have it?”

Jane Eyre - Charlotte Brontë (*****) {Reread}

“You think I have no feelings, and that I can do without one bit of love or kindness; but I cannot live so”

“He made me love him without looking at me.”

“I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you—especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame.  And if that boisterous Channel, and two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I’ve a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly.”

“I am no bird; and no net ensnares me; I am a free human being with an independent will”

“Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless?  You think wrong!—I have as much soul as you,—and full as much heart!  And if God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you.”