#what if i’m gay? 1987

[johannestevans]

The Joy of Trans Creation

On the liberty of making unapologetically transgender art.

Originally published in Prism & Pen.

For me as a child, there was no real transgender representation around me.

Transfeminine characters were exciting when I saw them, even though they were frequently the butt of jokes, highly sexualised, or the targets of violence from the narratives they appeared in. They were never afforded complex character arcs, and I can’t recall any trans women on my screens or on the pages of the books appearing for more than an episode or in small appearance before being killed or disappearing off-screen.

And trans men?

Nothing.

In the British soap series, Waterloo Road, there was a narrative about a trans guy that started when I was a young teenager myself, and it was… difficult. The narrative was clumsy and uninformed about trans experiences. It seemed more about cisgender parents’ anxieties about their trans children and was very conservative in extending liberty or freedom to the trans guy’s life or his body. He was sporty, a football player, and dykey — he was presented almost as if he was transitioning just to play sports.

And the obvious inspiration for this Waterloo Road plot, She’s The Man (2006) was…

Well, that wasn’t much to write home about either. The film is about a girl disguising herself as a boy in order to play soccer. I know that Amanda Bynes, who played the protagonist in She’s The Man, has talked in interviews about experiencing a lot of gender dysphoria whilst in the role, but what better encapsulation of the fact that trans roles were and still are so often played by cis actors who have no business doing so?

I remember watching She’s The Man as a kid and finding a lot of the jokes not very funny. These two trans male narratives, the only ones that I ever saw until I was much older, bore no resemblance to my life, my desires, and my feelings, whatsoever.

They were cisgender heterosexual people’s fantasies of transgender men. One is about a woman “thankfully” going back on her vile trans ways and revealing herself to be sexy and female after playing at being a pathetic and unmasculine man; the other is about an undesirable and lesbianish teenager who is “obviously” transitioning to get around misogyny, more than for any of his internal feelings.

I felt far more gender euphoria — far more excitement, more sense of feeling loved and cared for and genuinely represented and validated — when I saw effortlessly queer and fruity men on my screens. Characters like Hook and Smee in Hook (1991), or Armand and Albert in The Birdcage (1996): two silly, middle-aged men being overdramatic and in love with one another. Or characters like Hollywood Montrose in Mannequin (1987): fashion-focused, catty and, emotional.

Or, hell, even characters like the sexy gay leather bikers in the Blue Oyster Bar in the Police Academy movies — they’re intended as a recurring punchline, but nevertheless portrayed hot hairy men who dance the tango and unapologetically love and desire other men.

I did not feel like or want to be an eternal little boy for being transgender, continuously infantilised and emasculated, treated as if I wasn’t a real man. Moreover, I had no interest in feeling or acting as though manhood or masculinity or men were something I should have been superior to.

I’m a fashionable, pretty gay dude with so many joint problems that going for a jog can put me out of action for days. Narratives about straight trans guys, let alone ultra-sporty ones, couldn’t bear any less resemblance to my life or my desires as a man.

There’s a reason many cisgender people are attracted to these narratives about transmasculinity, and unfortunately, it has nothing to do with truly supporting the trans men who are lesbians, or who are sporty or straight. It has more to do with their feelings about which “women” are best to “allow” to transition, and so much of those feelings are based on their expectations of female attractiveness or desirability within heterosexual society, and never truly afford love or respect to those men.

And men like me?

We’re unthinkable, and thus, invisible.

Times have changed, a little — I do see more trans men on television and in film, bit by bit. I know that in animation particularly, great strides are being made in portraying various trans characters, and we see a much wider variety of trans characters in shows and film.

I do still think that I see far more they/them trans masc types who are often a white monolith with similar butch lesbian stylings, dyed hair, and certain piercings, often as a sort of introduction for cis hetero viewers to the concept of nonbinary identity or the use of they/them pronouns. I know many people like this in real life, nonbinary or trans, and the issue isn’t their physical appearance or the fact that they’re depicted like this — it’s that their characterisations are so often one-note.

I can’t think of seeing a character introduced as nonbinary who appears more transfeminine, or who characters would automatically label as “he” instead of “she” before being corrected to they/them, because nonbinary identity is treated in popular media as a sort of woman-lite; I can think of one gay trans guy who’s in Shameless; I can’t think of many trans men on television at all or in film who are fat, non-white or disabled.

Television and film are still a long way behind the beautiful diversity of real trans experience — but I write books and short stories. I get to create, as a gay trans man, trans men like me, and trans men like my friends, and craft narratives about trans experience that cisgender people would never be able to.

I published my second novel this month. One of the main characters is a transmasc fallen angel with BPD — he’s cold and arrogant, manipulative, cruel, and at the same time, he’s endlessly loving and charismatic, he’s beautiful and savage, he’s radical and believes strongly in his ideas, and in the rights of everybody.

I could not have imagined in my wildest dreams as a child seeing a character like that in any book I read. But many other trans men, trans people, queer people, and readers in general, will be able to pick up my book and connect to that character, see themselves in him, and love him or despise him as they might any other character.

There is no limit as an indie author to the trans characters that I can create, or how many of them I can have. I don’t have to limit myself to having a singular trans man on a cast of cis-hetero characters, his whole person and physicality aligned to the cisgender stereotype of transmasculinity.

I have dozens of trans characters in the universes I create, and many of them are trans men like me, or not: fat trans men, trans men of colour, Jewish trans men, disabled trans men, traumatised trans men. They’re tailors, revolutionaries, students, teachers, historians, archivists, office workers, stablehands, fops, librarians, adventurers, rogues, pirates, sailors, bastards or angels, heroes or villains.

The sheer joy of that reality is striking me regularly at the moment whenever someone leaves a kind or enthusiastic comment on my works or in their reviews. There’s so much joy that people display in reading my short stories or buying my books, and God, the wonder that I feel when I attend conventions or events and people recognise me or recognise my work and enthuse about it to me.

There is no greater compliment to me, no better assurance, no more loving thing to be told or to overhear, than “Finally, I feel seen.”

“He’s just like me!” or “I’ve never felt so represented,” or “Oh, I want to be him. I am him already. I love him.”

It’s lonely to be transgender.

In a society that punishes and penalises any acts of gender transgression or perceived deviation from the norm or expectation, the transgender or nonbinary or otherwise gender-nonconforming person is constantly at risk — and aware of the risk — of ostracisation, of victimisation, of violence, or assault. We go through life aware that we may be attacked or discredited, violently assaulted, denied medical care, treated as unworthy of love, abused, harmed, hurt.

We must fear and be wary of isolation from our friends, our loved ones, and our communities, because society fears us and has been taught it can hate us. Other people, those that we love, that we care about, forging those connections and keeping them strong, they are how we can survive.

And how do we do that, when we don’t know in our heart of hearts that those like us exist? When we can’t be sure that we exist?

I was very lucky as a young man to feel confident and assured in seeing myself and then establishing myself as like the queer, fruity men that I saw and loved on the screen, no matter that they weren’t made with the thought of transgender men like me. Yet so many others, people I talk to, people I’ve never heard of, do not have that assurance.

They stand in front of a mirror and they don’t see anything. To feel transgender before one’s transition is often to see oneself or think of oneself as existing in potentia. We are an egg yet to crack and hatch; we are a soul without a vessel as yet.

How can we imagine a future for ourselves when we can’t envisage it? When we have no framework or canvas or idea of how a person like us can look, can live, can exist? How can we conceive of what we might be or what we truly are, when we might be grappling with our own pains and trauma and dysphoria, and at the same time society’s disregard of us, when we have never known or thought of others like us existing — let alone existing in beautiful diversity, in variety, in the complexity that we truly do?

Whenever I get one of those comments or whenever someone says a kind word to me about my work as a trans man and I see the light in that person’s eyes or the enthusiasm in the words they’ve written, there is an unspeakably immense happiness and joy in it.

To have taken part in that, to have created a mirror for that person to see themselves in, a character or characters that make that person feel real— not merely validated or represented, but seen and loved and cared for by a complete stranger, I can name no greater privilege.

It’s a shame I didn’t have that in my childhood, sure, but what’s important is that I and, far more importantly, a whole variety of trans and nonbinary creators, are doing that work today.

In Daniel Ortberg’s Something That May Shock and Discredit You, there’s a truly beautiful quote:

As my friend Julian puts it, only half winkingly: “God blessed me by making me transsexual for the same reason God made wheat but not bread and fruit but not wine, so that humanity might share in the act of creation.”

In being transgender I have created myself — no longer in potentia, I have developed and evolved. I’ve played with my hair and my face and my jewellery and my clothes; I’ve fed and nurtured my masculinity and my love for men and manhood as a gay man; I have created myself, and that’s been very joyful for me…

But to create works that help other people, transgender or otherwise, men or otherwise, create themselves? See for themselves the sort of people they’d like to be, how they would like to make themselves created?

That is a triumph beyond measure, and I am so grateful to do so.

[remembertheplunge]

The gay men's take on Prop 64: 1986: Concentration Camps for people with AIDSs HIV

11/3/1986. Monday 

It now approaches midnight.

 A very pleasant evening at Tom and Greg's house. Nice wine and desert and Italian food (pasta) and friends. Talk ranged from “I’m homosexual and gay. What do you think about that?” A gay friend from San Fransisco and his lover, from Rocklin said “oh, you looked great as a 40’s drag queen. My second boyfriend was captain of the high school football team.” The conversations also ranged to "Aids may wipe out the entire world population or it may be cured soon. "AIDS is all that they talk about in San Fransisco."

”But, don’t get this entry wrong, most of the time chit chat was just that, Tom's upcoming trip to China, There is a peacefulness in Mexico and a rushed feel to US life. Downtown Sacramento whose people are like machines.

The early stage party uptightness mellowed to late evening hugs and Cheer.

My margin note to the above entry:

Regarding Proposition 64, on the California ballot for the 11/4/1986 State Election which if adopted could result in concentration camps for people withHIV AIDS: Tom and Greg said “Don’t get an Aids test. If you test positive, you could be marked for 'prejudice camps' etc."

(Prop 64 would have required mandatory reporting of people who tested positive for HIV AIDS to the government leading to possible forced entry into an HIV Aids concentration camp .)

Notes: Tom and Greg (not their real names) were gay friends of mine when I lived in Sacramento to in 1986-1987.

[bari-the-witch]

Couples Quiz Night Part 1

Part 2

Heya dear people of the fandom!

I originall wanted to post this as a whole but because my private life is a bitch right now it's going to take a while to finish this. I decided to post the first part now, so you don't have to wait for something to read. Don't worry, I didn't ditch this. I have too much fun writing this!

A few people wanted me to tag them. So, here they are:

@swimmingbirdrunningrock @grtwdsmwhr @lightwoodbanethings @eggrollofchaos01 @gamerdano @miss-hit @photoaesthetic @alexdesappho @lifeisnotsobadonceyoustopcaring (with cherries on top ;D) @gay-stranger-things @hopefulcookieoperatorpersona @thepainisspicy @xxfiction-is-my-realityxx @alienace @ashwinmeird @satan-is-obsessed @ninjapirateunicorns

Hope you enjoy!

And beware: English is not my native language so there might be a few mistakes here and there. Even though I used two different spell checkers/grammar programs.

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Indianapolis, Indiana

July 10, 1987

“Honey, I’m home,” Steve called as he entered the apartment, toeing off his shoes and placing them neatly beside Eddie’s beaten-up sneakers and Robin’s red Converse before slowly making his way to the kitchen.

They had moved to Indianapolis half a year ago, leaving Hawkins behind for good. Between Steve’s shitty parents, Robin’s desire for freedom, and Eddie’s problems with the dear citizens of Hawkins even though his innocence was proven, it wasn’t a particularly difficult decision to make. They were still close enough in case their friends needed help but far enough away to finally heal.

Fortunately, they quickly found a three-bedroom apartment on the outskirts of the city and were able to afford it with their combined financial forces. Steve was glad he had taken the leap of faith to move here.

His life was a lot better now.

“Welcome back dingus,” Robin greeted him with a mock salute while Eddie just waved. They were both sitting on the kitchen counter together (although they had a small dining table not two feet away), sipping something that looked suspiciously like red wine.

“Already started without me?”

“Hey, it’s not my fault you came back home this late,” Robin protested.

“Rob, you literally pressured me into letting you leave earlier so you could get,” Steve eyed the wine glass in her hands, “ready for tonight. I see you’re using your time wisely.”

“It’s totally Eddie’s fault. I swear!”

“Hey! You’re the one who wanted to crack a bottle to get all nice and tipsy before our night out. So you won’t lose your nerves because of Nan-.”

“Shut it, Munson!” Robin grinds out through gritted teeth, a deep blush darkening her cheeks. She smacked a hand over Eddie’s mouth to silence him....only for her to draw it back in disgust immediately. “Eww. Did you just lick my hand? What are you, twelve?”

“Why are you so embarrassed, Bucks? It’s not exactly a secret,” Eddie replied nonchalantly, shrugging his shoulders.

Robin hung her head in defeat and sighed. “I know. It’s just… every time I meet her, I make a total ass out of myself, you know? I just want to be this cool person that doesn’t start spewing out unnecessary facts no one cares about.”

“With alcohol?” Steve asked amusedly, holding up his hands in defense when she glared at him. “Don’t look at me like that. Come on, Rob. Nancy likes you. Even your rambling. She thinks it’s endearing.”

“She does?”

Steve nodded. Nancy had told him a few weeks ago when they met up in a small cafe during their lunch break. She also said a few other things about Robin but it wasn’t Steve’s place to tell her that.

“That’s-. I need to get ready. I- Boys, see you later!” she exclaimed dramatically and hopped off the counter, marching straight into her room, and closing the door behind her.

“Well, she sure seems excited now,” Eddie chuckled.

They’re alone in the kitchen right now, and Steve is well aware of that. You see the thing is, moving to the big city and living together with his friends had not only made his life better but also significantly more complicated.

It wasn’t as if he hadn’t always found men attractive. However, growing up in the Harrington household had taught him to keep these kinds of thoughts buried deep inside him. His father wasn’t very fond of queer people (an understatement) and would not have liked his son to be one of them (also an understatement). Moving here, living together with Eddie day after day, and finally being free from his father’s clutches had thrown him into the biggest sexuality crisis known to mankind.

At first, it was just mild infatuation that soon grew and spread into a full-blown crush, leaving him scared and confused. But it was OK, really. There wouldn't be anything coming out of it anyway. Steve was positively sure Eddie didn’t even like men that way, let alone him. So all he had to do was wait for this to blow over.

Well, that is, until Eddie decided to tear down Steve’s most effective defense mechanisms by outing himself a few weeks after moving in.

Suddenly, Eddie didn’t seem out of reach anymore, throwing Steve into the next crisis on top of the first. It got so obvious there was something wrong with him that Robin pulled him aside one night when it was just the two of them.

He finally spilled his beans that night. From the fact that he seemed to always have liked men as equally as women (bisexuality, Robin called it), down to his embarrassing all-consuming crush on Eddie.

She listened intently, asking a few questions here and there but otherwise letting him do the talking.

“What makes you think he doesn’t like you that way?” Robin asked earnestly.

“I just know,” Steve answered dejectedly and Robin didn’t press.

“Hey, Steve. You in there?”

Steve snapped out of his thoughts and shifted his attention back to the present. Eddie was standing in front of him, a worried expression on his handsome face.

“Huh? Sorry I- just got lost in my own head.”

“Shit, you really scared me there, man. Didn't we talk about not spacing out at random?" Eddie asked, relief evident in his voice. “For a second, I thought Vecna was back or something.”

“I know, I know, sorry.”

Only now did Steve realize how close they were. And that Eddie was grabbing both of his shoulders, the touch sending a spark of something through his body. The fact that Eddie was a very tactile person, touching Steve whenever he had the opportunity to, didn’t make dealing with his crush any easier.

"I, um," Steve started, trying hard not to stare at Eddie’s lips. “I need to get ready. For later. Shower, yes.” He stumbled over his words like a pre-schooler talking to his crush for the first time. Jesus, get it together. What happened to your famous Harrington charm?

“I mean, I’m gonna head to the shower. Or do you wanna go first?”

“Nah, I already did, so… It’s all yours,” Eddie answered before finally releasing his shoulders, and taking a step back. Steve nearly breathed out in relief.

“Well then, see you later.” Eddie patted him on the shoulder, grabbed the wine glass from the kitchen counter behind him, and made his way to his room. Before he stepped inside, he turned around again, a shit-eating grin on his face. “Oh and Steve? Just take your time. I know how much you like getting all dolled up for me.”

Heat shot to Steve’s cheeks while his heart did a full ballet routine in his chest. But befor he had the chance to react, Eddie disappeared inside and closed the door behind him.

Oh, did he forget to mention that Eddie was a notorious flirt, too?

Steve slammed the bathroom door with more force than necessary. He stripped down angrily and stood under the warm spray of the shower, trying to relax.

Fuck, he used to be good at this. Really good. With girls swooning left and right, just looking at them. He had been King Steve for fucks sake.

But then Eddie appeared and Steve’s famous Harrington charm, which was already in a nosedive anyway, crashed and burned to the ground, shattering into a million useless pieces. Eddie, with his stupid wide-brown doe-eyes, his equally ridiculous dark curly hair, and this fucking dimpled smile that always made Steve tremble and weak in the knees. And don’t forget all the stupid pet names he threw at him like candy, coming up with a new one every week.

Don’t get him wrong. Most of the time he’s glad the King Steve days are over. He just missed it sometimes, being that cocky, self-confident guy, strutting the halls of High School instead of this easily flustered tongue-tied idiot he was now.

Standing in front of the mirror after his shower, Steve had to resist the urge not to style his hair just to teach Eddie a lesson.

He dismissed that thought quickly, though. Not even that would make him leave the house looking like that. He still had some self-respect after all.

Steve stayed holed up in his room until Robin told him it was time to leave. He knew it wasn’t a permanent solution to his problem, not with them living and spending so much time together, but he just needed a break to collect himself.

The next few hours will be exhausting enough.

Going out tonight was all Robin's idea.

Since moving to the big city she had used every opportunity to get out of the house and into every gay bar she could get her hands on. She called it her ‘mandatory gay experience’ and Steve was glad she finally popped out of the shell she had built around herself while living in Hawkins.

And because Steve was such a good friend (the best) he tagged along when she asked him to, week after week. Sometimes just the two of the, sometimes with Eddie and Nancy in tow.

And so it happened that Steve found himself at one of those bars again on a Friday night, pressed against Eddie’s side, while Robin and Nancy sat across from them. The seating arrangement hadn’t exactly been Steve’s decision, but Robin had nearly knocked out his teeth trying to scramble into the booth beside Nancy. This left him with no other choice than to sit beside Eddie.

It was beautiful and terrible at the same time.

This close, Steve could feel Eddie's warmth through the layers of their clothes, leaving a tingling feeling wherever they touched. He tried not to show how much it affected him, but from the smirk, Robin was giving him from across the table, he was failing miserably.

Meanwhile, Eddie didn’t seem affected at all. He was his usual animated self, gesticulating around widely while telling Nancy a story about one of his co-workers who almost burned down the kitchen.

Unable to tear his eyes away, Steve followed the movement of Eddie’s mouth with his eyes. How he licked his lips from time to time or the way he bit his lower lip when trying to keep himself from laughing at his own story.

God, those damn kissable lips…

Stabbing pain shooting through his shin made Steve tear his eyes from Eddie’s mouth immediately.

He glared at Robin, who had a far too innocent expression on her face and only mumbled a soft “You’re staring again dingus” in return, before turning back to the conversation.

Oh shit. Had he been that obvious again?

Fortunately, Eddie didn’t seem to have noticed Steve’s brief staring contest with his lips (or so he hoped), being far too engrossed in telling the girls his funny story.

Thank God.

Later, Robin and Nancy had gone to get them a new round of drinks and from what Steve could see, it would take them a while to get back to the table. As the night progressed the bar had gotten steadily more packed which wasn’t surprising considering it was a Friday night. Steve was glad they had gotten here early.

As the girls returned with fresh drinks in tow and sat down again, Robin slid something into the middle of the table.

“You boys wouldn’t believe me what we’ve found,” she said delightedly, tapping at the small piece of paper with her finger Steve could identify as a flyer now. “Sounds pretty interesting to me.”

Next to her, Nancy nodded approvingly, sipping at her drink.

Eddie snatched it before Steve could take a closer look, tossing it back on the table with a snort a few seconds after.

“Couples Quiz Night, huh? I think I’d rather stab myself than join this, thank you very much.”

“What? Is that too uncool for lil’ ol’ Eddie?” Robin asked challengingly.

“You bet, Bucks. That shit’s only for couples that desperately try to make others jealous by showing how great they are.”

Eddie’s reply started a bickering match about the pros and cons of couples quiz night between him and Robin. Steve just rolled his eyes fondly, glad that the two most important people in his life had become such good friends and got along so well. He didn’t want to imagine a world where those two weren’t part of it at the same time.

Curious, Steve decided to take a look at it and grabbed the flyer off the table. Trying to tune out the agitated chatter of his friends he started to read.

The hand-sized flyer didn’t contain much information besides the name and date of the event written in big bold green letters and something about a prize you could win. Steve remembered doing something like this with his girlfriend Lisa (now an ex-girlfriend, fortunately) back in Hawkins. It ended in a complete and utter disaster because he and Lisa hadn’t even gotten one question right. It wasn’t exactly one of his proudest moments as a boyfriend.

"What?"

Steve flinched at Eddie's ear-splitting screech, immediately scanning the room for any signs of danger, his shoulders sagging in relief when he couldn't find any.

"Oh my god. Oh my god, I need them!"

Eddie looked at his friends one by one with big pleading eyes and, to top it off, even jutted out his lower lip. When no one seemed to take the bait right away, because they were all used to Eddie's antics, he fixed his gaze on Steve who still was none the wiser about what brought on Eddie's over the top reaction.

“Stevie?”

Steve quickly averted his eyes. He knew he couldn't say no to Eddie (to whatever he would ask of him) if he kept looking at him like that.

“Wait. That’s actually not a terrible idea,” Nancy said, sipping her drink like the traitor she is. “I mean, this is a gay bar, right? So there shouldn’t be any problems. And you two are so close, I bet you can easily fake it.”

Huh? Fake it?

Robin seemed to have noticed Steve’s confusion because she immediately started to explain. “Eddie wants to take part in the couples quiz night since he found out what the super secret prize is.”

“And … what does this have to do with me?” A sense of dread started to creep up on him.

“He wants you to join him,” Nancy answered matter-of-factly. “It’s a couples quiz after all.”

“But we aren’t a couple?” Steve asked perplexed. “Unless I missed something.”

The thought of him and Eddie being a couple made his insides all gooey and he quickly shoved it away.

“That’s why we’re gonna fake it, sweetheart!” Eddie laughed and threw an arm around, pressing him snuggly into his side.

Wait, what?

“You want me,” Steve pointed a trembling finger to himself and then at Eddie while trying to keep his voice even, “to fake a relationship with you to win a stupid prize at a Couples Quiz Night?”

“Hey, the prize is not stupid. How dare-”

“Yup. That’s exactly what he said.” Nancy answered nonchalantly, before taking a sip from her drink, giving Steve a look from under her lashes he didn’t like one bit.

“Yeah, come on, Steve, don’t be a spoilsport. It'll be fun!” Robin backed her up, of course, with a dangerous gleam in her eyes.

“Yes, Stevie. Listen to our friends."

“What happened to ‘rather stabbing yourself than joining this?’” Steve asked dryly, a last desperate attempt to wiggle out of this somehow.

“Steve. Steve-o. My best friend. Light of my life, did you not listen to anything the guy said?" Eddie asked sweetly and huffed when Steve only shrugged his shoulders. "It’s fucking tickets for a Metallica concert at Market Square Arena. That shit’s been sold out for weeks! Dude, I’d sell my soul for this if I could. So screw what I said before. I. Want. Those. Tickets.”

Steve felt his resolve start to crumble like a house of cards. He knew how much those tickets meant to Eddie. The guy literally hadn’t stopped talking about it for weeks and was totally crushed when he heard it was sold out.

Steve sighed deeply and closed his eyes.

He was absolutely sure that this was going to end in total disaster as it did with Lisa. And then Eddie would be mad at him about not winning those tickets, about him not being able to answer some stupid questions in a stupid quiz and -

- and then he made the mistake of looking into Eddie's pleading eyes.

Shit.

Rookie mistake.

Steve sighed, getting ready to succumb to his inevitable fate.

“Fine. But if we’re doing this, you owe me, Munson. Big time.”

“Oh my god, thank you! You’re absolutely the best! You won't regret it. Promise!” Eddie clapped his hands together a few times with barely concealed glee, bouncing on his seat like a maniac. Steve didn’t have the heart to tell him that he regretted it the moment he agreed to do it.

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t cream your-. Hey, what are you doing?”

Eddie nearly shoved him off the booth and Steve quickly stood up to prevent himself from planting his face on the floor.

"What the hell, Munson?"

"Come on, come on. There are two Metallica tickets with our names on them, I heard.”

“I don’t think-.”

“Less talking, more walking, Stevie,” Eddie tutted, grabbind Steve around the wrist and dragging Steve mercilessly behind him without waiting for a response.

Glancing at the girls for help, Steve was only met with a thumbs up from Nancy and an overdramatic smooching gesture from Robin.

Screw Nancy's guns. He was so going to strangle them after this was over.

Eddie made it through the crowd with relative ease, slipping smoothly between the bodies on his way over to the bar while Steve bumped into people left and right, receiving tons of dirty looks in return. He didn't even have time to apologize, not with Eddie dragging him behind him like this.

At the bar, Eddie squeezed himself between two scrawny-looking guys, eagerly waving the bartender over. With Eddie's hand still clasped around his wrist, Steve didn't have much choice than to stand way too close behind him.

“Yeah? What can I get ya?”

“Hey, we heard about a quiz tonight and really wanted to join. Because I somehow can’t convince this knucklehead," Eddie turned back to him and had the fucking audacity to wink, then turned tack to the baarkeeper. "that we’re made for each other.” He put a hand on his heart, sighing deeply like he was carrying the whole world on his shoulders. “Maybe that’ll finally make him see it. You know?”

God, Eddie really was a theater kid, huh?

No way in hell someone would buy this little performance. Not when Eddie was laying it on this thick. Not in a million years.

But to Steve’s horror, the guy took a pen and a piece of paper from somewhere and shoved it over the counter. “Relationships are tough, man,” he nodded with a sigh, a look of pity in his eyes. Steve wondered if the guy was either a newbie or simply not good at reading people.

“Just write down your names here. We’re starting in ten minutes. So you better be ready.”

Then he left them alone to tend to some other customers demanding his attention.

“Ten minutes?” Steve hissed into Eddie’s ear from behind, trying to ignore the butterflies in his stomach running amok. “How should we come up with matching answers in ten minutes?”

Unimpressed by Steve’s tiny little freak-out, Eddie scribbled down their names in his neat handwriting before turning around. Their faces were barely a hair's breadth away and if Steve wanted to he just could lean forward and - no. Nope. Bad idea.

“Relax,” Eddie said, his breath caressing Steve’s lips, nearly driving him insane. “We don’t even know what they’re going to ask so I guess we just have to trust in the power of our relationship.”

“Which doesn’t exist," Steve replied dryly, proud of how even his voice sounded. "Listen, it’s always the same shit, like favorite color, favorite food, who kissed the other first yadda yadda yadda. So we need to-.”

“Wait wait wait. You did something like this before?” Eddie raised his eyebrows, his mouth twisting into a grin. “Stevie, you absolute romantic! You really know how to make a girl feel special,” he giggled, twisting a curl around his finger like a girl in those corny teenage movies Robin always made them watch as punishment for whatever.

“Yeah, I bet Lisa would disagree with you on that,” Steve grimaced, shuddering at the memory. “Whatever. Do you wanna go over some possible questions or not?”

Eddie tapped a finger against his lips, weighing his head left and right a few times like he was thinking really hard about his answer.

But then he leaned forward, bridging the gap between them and pressing his lips against Steve’s cheek. Just a short peck.

Steve's eyes widened in shock.

“I don’t think we’re going to need that, sweetheart,” he whispered softly before drawing back again. Which isn’t very far because they’re still unbelievably close, their noses almost touching. "Just trust in us, ok?"

Steve, whose brain had shut down the moment Eddie’s lips touched his face, nodded dumbly, his mouth open. Eddie’s smile grew and he took Steve’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers before pulling him toward the stage.

[love-kurdt]

Swooping, Sloping, Cursive Letters: 6

word count: 604

warning: homophobia

PLEASE READ THIS IS ME TRYING FIRST, AS THIS STORY RELIES HEAVILY UPON THE CONTEXT OF TIMT

December 15, 1987

Dear Will,

I walked into my house after spending the night at your place, and the first thing my dad asked me was, “You and Jane get back together yet?” And I explained to him, once a-motherfucking-gain, that no, Jane and I are not getting back together, and that we mutually agreed that we’re better off as friends. Then he remarked something along the lines of why I’m always at the Byers-Hopper house, if not to see my Sweetie Pie, and I had to keep my composure for long enough to tell him, “I was hanging out with Will, dad.” 

He laughed in a way that was so mean, Will. It was cruel, mocking, and slightly angry. I ran upstairs and had to look at your art until I felt better. But his laugh was still there, in my head. It’s like he knows about me, even when I haven’t explicitly told him. And he never gives up an opportunity to ridicule me, regardless of if I’m rumored to be, or actually , gay.

It got worse over dinner, when my mom asked me about how my time at your house was. She phrased it as “How did last night go at Will’s?” Not Jane’s. That made me so fucking happy for some reason. My mom is so kind without even trying to be. I genuinely have no idea why she and my dad are still married– they’re, like, polar opposites, and not in the good way where opposites attract. But I told her we had a nice time, and she smiled, and told me she was glad before going back to her sweet potato casserole. I’ll bring some the next time we hang out, I know you love it.

Anyway, back to my dad. He snorted, as if spending time with my best friend was the funniest fucking thing to ever happen in the history of the Wheeler family. I wracked my brain to try and figure out what was such a huge joke to him, but he continued on, saying, “I swear, kid, it’s like he’s your little boyfriend or something.” Then I snapped. You won’t be proud of me for this, because I yelled and stuff, but I hope you’ll at least see me as brave after I tell you this.

I turned to my dad with a wild look in my eyes (probably), and said some shit like, “Yeah, me and my boyfriend, Will Byers, had such a great time last night! We stared longingly into each others’ eyes for hours , then we cuddled, then we kissed, and then we got each other off ! It was so hot, Dad. Truly. I wish you could’ve seen –”

But then my dad roared at me to go to my room, which shut me up, thankfully . I don’t know what would have happened if I let my mouth keep running. I most likely would've outed myself. I didn’t, though, so I decided to get out of there before my dad changed his mind. I ran up the stairs and locked my door and now I’m sitting here at my desk, writing this letter that you’ll never read. I know what I said was a lot. I mean, it was pretty vulgar. Plus, it's never actually happened, and it never will happen. So I'm sorry about that.

Bottom line, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to come out to my parents. At least, not to my dad. He wouldn’t let me out of that conversation with my heart still beating.

Here’s to being in the closet for life, I guess.

Love,

Mike

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[stelly38]

I thought Cambridge Spies was *the* most British thing I’d ever seen, until I watched Maurice shortly after. I’m still on my Toby Stephens kick, which explains Cambridge Spies, and lord, is he pretty in it. But I also wanted to ogle the very young, stunningly beautiful Hugh Grant in Maurice, so I watched both.

I nursed a bit of a crush on Grant back in his Four Weddings days, around the same time as Maurice, but I’d honestly forgotten how incredibly, ethereally gorgeous he was, like some androgynous nymph out of a Waterhouse painting, smooth and luscious, too perfect to be real. For the record, I do love today's older, rougher Hugh, who has managed, over time, to turn ass-hole-ish curmudgeonliness into a charming brand all his own.

My overall impression of Merchant Ivory flicks is that they are much like paintings: pretty to look at, and if you stare long enough, something in your field of view eventually moves, but it takes, like, days. Days. I don’t know if my attention span has been worn down over the decades like everyone else’s, or if these movies need some tighter editing, but good lord, at two hours and twenty minutes, not much happens in Maurice. Or is it EM Forster?  Maurice is a Forster adaptation; and similarly, so is A Room with a View, which also flows like molasses. I’ll never know if it’s the writing or the editing, because I’ve never read anything of Forster’s except for Room, which I attempted when I was a teenager and quit halfway through, because what in the fuck was he going onnnnn about? And I even had a better attention span back then, in the nineties. I said to my husband after Maurice ended, perhaps he and I needed a course on Forster to truly appreciate the literature and the movie adaptations. It’s unlikely to happen, but there it is.

Maurice follows the lead character, played by James Wilby, as he discovers and wrestles with his latent homosexuality. Hugh Grant plays Clive Durham, Maurice’s good school friend and first (unconsummated) love. The two men pal around London and the countryside as they age well into their twenties, spending time together and apart, both grappling with their sexual identities in different ways. The movie also casts a very cute Rupert Graves as Maurice’s first lover, and Ben Kingsley (with hair and a weird American accent—what a hoot) appears in a cameo as a shrink who attempts to hypnotize Maurice into heterosexuality.

My bitching isn’t a condemnation of Forster or Merchant Ivory; the film was a rather pretty little trifle to look at. I thought the story was good, and I love that a major film studio was tackling the horrors of being gay in Edwardian England so long ago (1987, when AIDS was still considered “the gay cancer.” —Hats off to them.) And I’m always game to watch pretty boys cavorting about. There was a good deal of that, one scene with full frontal nudity (gasp!)

Speaking of pretty boys, several feature in Cambridge Spies, which takes place about thirty years after Maurice, shortly before WWII. The prettiest of them is Toby Stephens, who is just dashing dressed in wide leg trousers, fedoras, and the well-tailored suits of the era. He plays Kim Philby, one of the notorious Soviet spies that comprised the group known in real life as the Cambridge Five. Rupert Penry Jones plays Donald Maclean; Samuel West is Anthony Blunt, and Tom Hollander is Guy Burgess. Since American public-school curriculum doesn’t teach any history but its own, (much of which is white-washed lies, but that’s a kvetch for another day), I never knew about the British turncoats until I watched this, which was last week. Yay for me.

Spies is a four-part miniseries, the last two episodes of which are far, far more entertaining and engaging than the first two. It’s good they decided to balance the episodes thusly, as I was ready to throw in the towel after the second one. The only reason I continued on was because I’d already invested time in watching the first 50 percent—in for a penny, in for a pound. I think the writers wanted the first two episodes for back-story and character development, but there is little that reveals the principals’ various motivations for spying other than that they were all friends at Cambridge, and they shared a deep hatred of fascism. Weird that that was all it took, right? I dunno, maybe I missed something—these were the two most boring episodes.

The entire series really belongs to Tom Hollander. He steals every scene he’s in; he has the best lines, the most cuttingly funny remarks, and he’s the craziest and loosest cannon of the bunch, hence, the most entertaining. Previously, I’d only known his work from 2005’s Pride and Prejudice (the boiled potatoes), and from his creepily-repressed turn as art critic John Ruskin in Desperate Romantics. He’s great and memorable in those, but he is phenomenal in Spies.

Hollander’s Burgess, as well as West’s Anthony Blunt, are gay men, compelling because they'd opted into an overwhelmingly straight-male power structure: espionage. Spies doesn’t really speak to this much, rather than to have Hollander portray Burgess as an out and proud gay man, I suppose as much as one could be on the brink of WWII in England. But it is striking to see the difference just three decades made in how gays were perceived by English society (or not) when you compare the attitudes on display in Maurice to those in Spies. Homosexuality was the worst sin one could commit in the world of Maurice; but by the time we get to Spies, it’s barely an issue. I suspect that homosexuality was still offensive to many in England at the time, as that country’s decriminalization law only took effect in 1967, but for some reason unknown to me, the writers and producers of Spies made it mostly a non-issue.

Overall, Spies was a good series, educational for me, at least, and I got to stare at Toby Stephens for four hours, including a couple safe-for-granny sex scenes. Would I write home about the show? —probably not, but it was not wasted time.

Tom Hollander’s best scene (and they’re all good) is a tantrum he throws during a trip to the States, where he drives across suburban lawns, destroying several white picket fences, then stands atop his car screaming “God Bless America” (in a good American accent), and decries this country’s never-acknowledged social and political hypocrisy.

Brilliant. And funny.

[ginnyw-potter-archive]

The Silver Lining of Dirty Dancing

Harry did not have many plans for the summer, and his plans for college next year were considerably lacking. He had always wanted to help people, but following that dream had led him to be pushed firmly into reality. Now he no longer knew how he wanted to help people. Putting his future out of his mind for a bit, he decided to join his parents at the Kellerman’s resort. A Hinny version of the iconic 1987 movie ‘Dirty Dancing’

Chapter Six

(full chapter on AO3)

Harry caught up with him. “Neil.”

“What?”

He breathed out. He wanted to get this right. “I know you may have been shocked by this, especially if you don’t know any gay men personally, but Dean has done nothing wrong. He is hardworking and even though he should not have to, he has been keeping that part of him private. I’m sure only a few employees know.”

“You know,” Neil remarked.

He nodded. “You know I’ve covered for him at the Shelldrake, which was an exceptional situation and I found out. He is in a steady, loving relationship and they often spend weeks apart because he knows he can’t bring his boyfriend here, because he was scared of the reaction.”

“Guests could find out,” he hissed.

“So what?” Harry said. “You’d be surprised, I don’t think many would actually mind. He is here to teach dance, yes?”

Neil nodded reluctantly. “Yes.”

[potteresque-ire]

A very young Stanley Kwan 關錦鵬 (right) directing Leslie Cheung 張國榮 (left) and Anita Mui 梅艷芳 (middle) for Rouge 胭脂扣 (1987). Kwan would win the Best Director title for the film at the Hong Kong Film Awards.

Stanley Kwan 關錦鵬 is not only a famous director from Hong Kong, but also the first well-known openly gay figure in Hong Kong entertainment. He came out of the closet in 1996 (before Leslie Cheung, who did so in 1997), in the documentary he directed for the British Film Institute named Yang ± Yin: Gender in Chinese Cinema 男生女相：華語電影之性別. His works had garnered accolades for their in-depth portrayal of female characters, at the time when women in local movies often did little more than being pretty and screaming a lot.

(Under the cut: Director Kwan's own words on one of his most famous works and a gay film classic in Chinese-language cinema, Lan Yu (2001), in 2022 after BL culture has entered mainstream)

Most BL fans know Director Kwan via his gay-themed film Lan Yu 藍宇 (2001), about the eponymous Bejing university student falling in love with a wealthy, closeted businessman, Chen Handong. The film, based on a popular online novel Beijing Story 北京故事, has remained censored in mainland China for its queer content and its mentions of the 1989 Tiananmen Massacre. Its fate of being perennially censored was never a surprise—the film was shot in Beijing in secret, with the crew pretending to be shooting commercials around the capital. Digital filming also didn't exist then, and so the 100,000 ft + of film had to be smuggled out of China later to be developed.

Lan Yu was a project about love. Of love.

The poster of Lan Yu in Cannes Film Festival (left), Hong Kong (center), Taiwan (right), at the time of its original release.

In 2022, Lan Yu celebrated its 20th anniversary with a 4K remastered version. Among the interviews of Director Kwan made for the celebration was one by The Initium 端傳媒, during which Kwan shared some of his views on Lan Yu, in the context of how public reception of queer media has changed over the years after the film's release.

These views may deviate from what some fans, especially those in BL circles, would expect. Precisely because of that, however, I'm posting them here. After all, maybe, hopefully, Kwan will collaborate with Dd (and Gg) one day. Maybe, fans like ourselves will interact with Kwan on social media spaces one day.

I hope Kwan's views will be kept in mind, considered and respected. Due to the length of the full interview **, I'm only translating the two parts that are relevant (lazy turtle here 😊):

1.

《藍宇》 雖為華語電影同志片的經典，但過去廿年，關錦鵬卻在不少訪談中提過，電影改編自當年於大陸風行一時的網絡同志小說《北京故事》，而最初他其實並不喜歡那篇小說。

「原著基本上是用偷窺角度去看一段同志關係，特別是集中描寫男體的情色關係，有很多露骨的性愛場面。作者本身是知道這些描寫會令小說受歡迎。」關錦鵬接著說：「但在拍這部電影前，我在 1996 年已經出櫃。而我覺得作為一名同志導演，就更不應該去消費這個題材，所以當我看到原著小說將情色描寫，譬如肛交、口交的過程放大，當時我便跟製片人說，如果要原封不動將小說內容拍出來，我就不做了。」

Although Lan Yu is a classic Chinese-language gay film, in many interviews in the past 20 years, Kwan has mentioned that the film was adapted from the online gay novel Beijing Story, popular in mainland China at the time, and that he actually didn't like the novel at first. "The original novel basically looks at a gay relationship from a voyeuristic point of view, especially the erotic relationship between male bodies, and there are many explicit sex scenes. The author (of the novel) himself knows that these descriptions will make the novel popular."

Kwan continued, "But before making this movie, I had been out of the closet since 1996. And I thought, as a gay director, I shouldn't exploit this subject, so when I saw the original novel expanding, zooming in on the eroticism -- the processes of anal sex and oral sex, for example -- I told the producer at the time that if the novel's content is to be filmed without changes, I won't do it.”

2. 在《藍宇》面世的年代，電影確實意識大膽。但二十年後，當電影得以重新修復，社會氛圍其實亦有了翻天覆地的轉變。近年不但多了同志題材的作品，甚至大行其道，人人消費，成為一種時令的商業元素。譬如人氣男團會拍 BL 電視劇，而過去幾年的華語電影節，最快售罄的場次，都一定是同志電影。 此情此景，在《藍宇》剛上映的年代簡直不可思議，電影當年在香港的票房談不上亮眼，普羅大眾對同性戀故事有所抗拒，而本身就是同志的觀眾，想看卻不敢購票入場，怕被旁人標籤。二十年後世界變了樣，甚至總會看到「腐女」在 BL 電影的宣傳海報前打卡拍照。關錦鵬笑說：「是呀，前陣子的確有朋友跟我說，她其實是一名腐女。腐女族群喜歡看男同志電影，但到底喜歡看什麼呢？她某程度上都承認，想看的就是身體，是兩個好看的男人身體如何做愛。」 然而，這恰恰就是他當初對執導《藍宇》有所卻步的顧慮。當同志題材今日已走入主流，變成一種受歡迎的商業元素，關錦鵬則仍然有所警惕，跟潮流保持距離：「可能有些腐女都會喜歡《藍宇》，但我想未必完全是她們那杯茶。它真正要說的是兩個男人從色情買賣演變成一段感情關係，尤其是魏紹恩替我改編劇本之後，陳捍東這個角色，在我看來不一定是男同志，而是他在藍宇身上找到一些連自己都不知道的感覺。」 但關錦鵬也承認，從好的方向去看，在 BL 作品蔚然成風的助力之下，至少令同志以及 LGBT 性少數族群，相對容易被今日的大眾主流接受：「這是令人開心的。近幾年，特別是年輕人，確實會用比較開放的態度去對待 LGBT 族群。」稍頓，關錦鵬解釋道：「換個說法，關於 LGBT 議題的重點，現在就不再放在色情之上，而更多是感情關係，甚至是性少數族群��清自己身份之後，於生活上如何面對社會。那起碼是朝著一個正確的方向。」 In the era when Lan Yu was released, the film was indeed bold in its ideology. Twenty years later, however, at the time when the film gets its restoration, the social atmosphere has actually undergone earth-shaking changes. In recent years, not only have there been more gay-themed works, they have even become very popular and consumed by all, becoming a kind of fashionable commercial element. For example, popular boyband members are willing to make BL TV dramas, and in the past few years of Chinese-speaking film festivals, the fastest sold-out shows have all been gay movies.

[Pie note: The reporter was unlikely to be referring to Gg and Dd with their mention of "popular boyband members". Instead, they were probably thinking of Edan Lo and Anson Lo from Hong Kong's local boyband MIRROR, who starred in the BL drama Ossan's Love.]  

This phenomenon is unbelievable in the era when Lan Yu was first released. The box office of the film in Hong Kong couldn't be said to be impressive. The general public resisted gay stories [Pie note: Hong Kong hadn't decriminalised homosexual relationships until 1991, 10 years before], and the audience who were gay wanted to watch it but didn't dare to purchase tickets, for fear of being labeled by others. Twenty years later, the world has changed -- BL fans can be seen photographing themselves in front of the promotional posters of BL movies.

Kwan smiled and said, "Yes, a friend told me a while ago that she's actually a "rotten woman" (Pie note: = woman BL fan, translated from the Japanese term fujoshi). The "rotten women" group likes to watch gay movies, but what do they like to watch? She admitted, to a certain extent, that it's the body. It's the body, how two good-looking men's bodies make love."

And yet, this was precisely the concern that made Kwan hesitant to direct Lan Yu at the beginning. As gay themes enter the mainstream and become a popular commercial element, Kwan has remained vigilant, and has kept his distance from the trend: "Maybe some "rotten women" enjoy Lan Yu, but I don't think (the film) is entirely their cup of tea. What the film really wanted to express was how two men evolved from a transactional sex relationship to an emotional relationship, especially after Wei Shaoen adapted the script for me. The character of Chen Handong, in my opinion, didn't necessarily have to be a gay man; instead, he found on Lan Yu a feeling that even he himself couldn't understand.”

But Kwan also admitted that, from a better perspective, with the aid of popular BL works, it has become relatively easy for gays and LGBT sexual minorities to find acceptance in today's mainstream: "This is a happy thing to see. In recent years, especially young people have indeed treated the LGBT community with a more open attitude.” After a short pause, Kwan explained: “In other words, the focus of LGBT issues is now no longer on salacity, but more on emotional relationships, and even, on how sexual minorities face society in their daily lives after recognising their (sexual) identities. At least it's moving in the right direction.”

** None of you see this footnote, but a copy of the interview without a paywall can be found here. 😊

[rocketqueen1989x]

So trashy

DuffMckaganXReader

warnings : angst , arguing, reader being accused , alcohol, drunk duff , reader is sober , mentions of cheating but fluff towards end

📍: LA

⏰: 12:09am

1987

***

well this is just fucking great. I’m being accused of cheating

how fun …

“can you calm the fuck down” I snapped back angrily at my boyfriend.

Duff looked at me with anger radiating off his body. I’ll be honest with you ,I’ve never seen him this angry before

Duff isn’t the type it get pissed off like this at all. this is the first time I’ve seen him this pissed off. It all started because one of my old high school friend’s spotted in the club me and duff where at tonight.

Duff was with our close friend ,slash and they’re doing their own thing you know while I was at the bar getting more drinks or everyone. my old friend came over and we started to talk and catch up

Bur keep in mind he’s gay and his boyfriend was standing right next to him. so anyways , we started to catch up asking each other how life is , our families , work , he was asking about duff and his band , guns n roses

just shit like that and he had to go and get home because he was very clearly out of his mind. so as we were saying our goodbyes we hugged and he kissed my head

so I made way back over to duff and out of nowhere he starts screaming and shouting at me infront of everyone. All band just looked shocked at him and even Axl had to step him and pull him back a little

I was so confused at first what was wrong and plus I couldn’t hear him over the blasting music but when we got outside it was all clear what he was whining about. Apparently I was flirting , let him hug me , I was laughing too much with him and blah blah fucking blah

I’ve been trying to explain he was old friend from back home and he’s gay but nothing. Duff was not buying it

“Are you fucking serious ? “ duff scoffed looking straight at me into my soul

��yes I am , calm the fuck down for fuck sake ,duff “ I raised my voice and I know I shouldn’t of but I couldn’t hold in the anger anymore. I wasn’t been accused of something I haven’t done and I will never do

Duff laughed sarcastically shaking his head in front of me while we both stood in the kitchen of our kitchen. Duff was visibly drunk but me on the other hand , I was fine. i wasn’t even drinking tonight because I knew I had to take care of blondie over here

“how do you expect me to calm down and be okay with that shit you both pulled back there ?” duff yelled and I was a little startled at his time of voice

it sounded very cold. He’s never yelled at me once and this is the first time

I’m hating every minute of this .

“we didn’t pull anything duff “ i sighed getting frustrated with him. I rubbed my palm over my forehead trying to calm myself down from shouting at him

why won’t he just listen ?

He went to talk but I cut him off

“and the fact that you actually think I would cheat on you is beyond me” i shook my head in a disappointing manner. it really hurt me to think he really thought I thought I cheat on him

Duff just looked at me and turned away. He knew I was hurt and I just kept staring at the side of his head. his blonde wavy hair was all over.

“he’s gay and his boyfriend was standing right next to us “ i stepped one step to him and he turned back looking at me. His eyes were very glossy and heavy from all the alcohol he had consumed tonight

“I don’t care y/n , he still kissed you” duff spoke with an attitude and I rolled my eyes brushing my hand through my hair

“yes on the fucking cheek and in a friendly way duff “

“for last time the man is fucking gay” I yelled slamming my hand down on the marble counter in our kitchen. After that duff didn’t say anything and just looked at me with an expression on his face I couldn’t figure out

a few seconds later he spoke up now completely facing his body to me. “I don’t care if he’s gay , transgender, bisexual or fucking Barney the bear “

to be honest I felt like laughing but I kept it in because I knew if I laughed it would just piss him off even more

“you’re my girlfriend ,you’re mine” he said stepping towards me abs grabbing my throat gently with his pale hand

I looked up at him as he towered over me and he looked down at me for a few seconds before saying

“I’m going to be bed “ duff spoke in now a seemingly calm tone before leaning down and pressing a soft peck on my forehead

I’ll be truthful here it did make me smile and feel warm inside when he did that

i kept looking up at him and he leaned down again pecking my lips. “s-sorry for shouting at you “

i looked up at him and nodded with a soft smile. I could see in his eyes he was sorry. i knew him long enough

“it’s fine “ i replied reaching up and kissed his lips which he returned a kiss and stumbled away

Jesus Christ I need a bottle of whiskey after all that

[nerdygaymormon]

Queer Religious Songs

I was interested to see the news that a song by the drag queen Flamy Grant was top of the iTunes Christian chart. I listened to the song and really like it. 

There are many religious songs I like, but these queer ones speak to a part of me that the others don’t, they ask questions that are important. 

1983 - Church of the Poison Mind : Culture Club - A religious gay man has found love, but because of what he was taught at church, can’t resolve his own feelings about being gay. The message is if you’re living in a culture distorted by prejudice, take a chance on joy–embrace love, whatever form it takes.

1987 - It’s a Sin : Pet Shop Boys - This song is about a person’s lifelong feelings of shame and guilt, presumably for being taught that being gay is a sin. For everything I long to do, no matter when or where or who, has one thing in common, too. It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin.

1988 - A Little Respect : Erasure - In this song the gay singer is calling to a lover not to leave and asks the question, what religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover? So often the religions we’re raised in are anti-queer and people have a tough time breaking from the prejudice when they have their first romantic relationship.

1991 - Losing My Religion : R.E.M. - Lead singer Michael Stipe had declined to address his sexuality, so when “Losing My Religion” came out, people assumed Stipe was coming out as gay. Consider this the hint of the century. Consider this the slip. It stands as a classic example of queer coding in the era of “don’t-ask-don’t-tell.” The song was interpreted as the struggle of a closeted gay man coming to terms with what his religion taught about gay people.

1992 - One : U2 - Bono explained that “It’s a father-and-son story. I tried to write about someone I knew who was coming out and was afraid to tell his father. It’s a religious father and son… I have a lot of gay friends, and I’ve seen them screwed up from unloving family situations, which just are completely anti-Christian. If we know anything about God, it’s that God is love.” Knowing it’s a gay son who is talking to his unaccepting dad, the lyrics really hit hard. Did I disappoint you or leave a bad taste in your mouth? And also these words from the chorus, We’re one but we’re not the same. Well we hurt each other then we do it again. It seems eventually the son decides to draw a boundary and remove his father from his life - I can’t keep holding on to what you got, 'cause all you got is hurt. I like that the lyrics say We get to carry each other, carry each other, we are different and may not agree on everything, but we choose to help each other, it’s asking us to find ways to have our relationship work even though we’re different.

1997 - You Have Been Loved : George Michael - George Michael wrote this song about Anselmo Feleppa, who died of an AIDS-related illness in 1993. While an intense song about grief and death, it also involves a spiritual struggle. Anselmo and his mother both say that God is not dead, George counters by challenging What’s the use in pressing palms, if you [God] won’t keep such love from harm? It’s a cruel world. You’ve so much to prove.

1997 - Together Again : Janet Jackson - The album notes say “I dedicate the song ‘Together Again’ to the friends I’ve lost to AIDS.” It’s a sweet song with hopeful words. Everywhere I go, every smile I see, I know you are there smilin’ back at me.

2011 - Born This Way : Lady Gaga - Many songs hint at queer identities and acceptance by using metaphors, but not this one, it is direct. No matter gay, straight, or bi, lesbian, transgender life, I’m on the right track, baby, I was born to survive. The song is a real celebration of who we each are made to be. God makes no mistakes.

2011 - We All Try : Frank Ocean - Frank Ocean sings of losing faith in mankind as the LGBTQIA+ community struggles to find acceptance. I believe that marriage isn’t between a man and woman, but between love and love, and I believe you when you say you’ve lost all faith, but you must believe in something. He reassures the listeners and the LGBTQIA+ community that I just don’t believe we’re wicked, I know that we sin but I do believe we try.

2012 - Same Love : Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Mary Lambert - Macklemore sings against the homophobia taught at church. When I was in church, they taught me something else. If you preach hate at the service, those words aren't anointed and that Holy Water that you soak in is then poisoned. The song concludes with Mary singing I’m not crying on Sundays, which I think means not letting religious intolerance and churches harm us anymore, not subjecting ourselves to those words anymore.

2012 - Origin of Love : MIKA - Mika said this song “talks about my life, it talks about the church, it talks about falling in love and it talks about being happy and proud about falling in love with whoever you fall in love with, even if it’s a man. So in a way, this is my statement and my thank you to the man I love.“ To his partner he sings You are the sun and the light, you are the freedom I fight, God will do nothing to stop it.

Mika contrasts the goodness romance brings to his life with how the Bible introduces heterosexual relationships: Like stupid Adam and Eve, they found their love in a tree. God didn’t think they deserved it. He taught them hate, taught them pride, gave them a leaf, made them hide. Let’s push their stories aside. You know the origin is you.

2013 – Take Me to Church : Hozier - The lyrics are against church-fueled homophobia and persecution of queer people, and instead Hozier finds meaning by worshiping in the bedroom. Many queer people can identify with these lyrics: Every Sunday’s getting more bleak, a fresh poison each week. "We were born sick", you heard them say it. Hozier explained that churches undermine humanity as they teach shame about sexual orientation by saying that it is sinful or that it offends God. Hozier is an outspoken LGBTQ+ ally and the music video depicts two gay men being ripped apart by homophobic violence in Russia. It brought international attention to the anti-gay laws in Russia.

2015 - No Place in Heaven : MIKA - Mika is singing about how religion teaches there’s no place in heaven for gay people because the way we love is sinful. Father, won’t you forgive me for my sins? Father, if there’s a heaven let me in.

2016 - Son of a Preacher Man : Tom Goss - This 1968 song gets a gay update. The video tells the story of two gay teens struggling to understand their feelings for one another while operating within the confines of an evangelical church.

2016 - Trash : Tyler Glenn - In response to the Nov 2015 Policy of Exclusion by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Tyler created this video denouncing the Church’s restrictive view of same-sex relationships. The pain and anger are so raw in this video, it hurts to watch. These lyrics are an indictment, that he’d repent his days away if we wanted him to stay, but we throw him out like trash. If this is God’s church then there should be room for ALL God’s children.

2016 - Shameless : Tyler Glenn - The video has an old man in a black suit & white shirt tied up to a chair as Tyler sings You judge, but I don’t give a damn. I live a life so shameless. He lists things he does shamelessly now that once he would’ve been judged for: porn, one-night stands, alcohol. Tyler has now left the church and is not letting old men in suits make him feel shame.

2016 - G.D.M.M.L. Grls : Tyler Glenn - Despite the best efforts by this gay man to make church work, it didn’t because God Didn’t Make Me Like Girls.

2016 - Heaven : Troye Sivan feat. Betty Who - Troye sings candidly about what it’s like for a religious teenager to come out as gay. Without losing a piece of me, how do I get to heaven? Without changing a part of me, how do I get to heaven? All my time is wasted, feeling like my heart’s mistaken, oh, so if I’m losing a piece of me, maybe I don’t want heaven? Troye explains “When I first started to realise that I might be gay, I had to ask myself all these questions—these really really terrifying questions. Am I ever going to find someone? Am I ever going to be able to have a family? If there is a God, does that God hate? If there is a heaven, am I ever going to make it to heaven?” The video features footage from LGBTQ+ protests throughout history.

2016 - Sudden Death (OMG) : Tyler Glenn - In this song, Tyler expresses the initial shock of his faith crisis. I never asked to fall from grace. Catch me I’m starting to fall! Don’t know what all this is for! Keep comin’ at me with your disrespect. You went and started a war. Now I don’t care any more. I keep on living like it’s sudden death.

2016 - Devil : Tyler Glenn - A song that highlights the conflict between religious belief and queerness. I found myself when I lost my faith and not being able to pray the gay away. The constant in his world, what he’s anchoring himself to, is that his mom still loves him, and that’s important because studies show the acceptance & love of a parent makes a huge difference when someone comes out.  

2016 - Queer Gospel : Erin McKeown - This song was written in response to the ongoing trend of "religious freedom" legislation being passed by some US states. Love us as we are. See us and we're holy. In this shall we shall ever be, wholly ourselves.

2016 - Midnight : Tyler Glenn - The Neon Trees frontman gives an emotional song about his departure from the Mormon church but not from God. The ballad is accompanied by a video that shows Glenn removing his religious garments and replacing them with a glittery jacket, which is such a powerful metaphor.

2017 - The Village : Wrabel - There are lyrics in this song of what religious people have told him, and boy do they hurt. They say, 'Don't dare, don't you even go there, cutting off your long hair. You do as you're told' Tell you, ‘Wake up, go put on your makeup, this is just a phase you're gonna outgrow.’ There’s a line in the song that hits me hard: One line in the Bible isn’t worth a life. The video is beautiful, very poignant, it breaks my heart and gives me hope. 

2017 - Pray : Sam Smith - You won’t see Sam in church, but they say they’re a child of God at heart and they’re begging God to show them a way. I'm not a saint, I'm more of a sinner. I don't wanna lose, but I fear for the winners.

2017 - HIM : Sam Smith - This is a song about a boy in Mississippi coming out and the conflict between his sexuality and his religious upbringing. He is grappling with the feeling that there’s no place in church for him because he’s gay. The “Him” being sung is used both for God and for a boy he likes. Holy Father, we need to talk. I have a secret that I can't keep. I'm not the boy that you thought you wanted. Please don't get angry, have faith in me.

2018 - Explaining Jesus : Jordy Searcy - Jordy grew up playing music with his family and in his church. In 2014, Jordy landed a spot on NBC’s The Voice. In this song, Searcy is apologizing for how poorly we have been “Explaining Jesus” to others. He begins by singing If you're gay and over 85, you've felt for your whole life, that when God made you, he just messed up. The song ends with And I'm so sorry for all the wrongs. We're broken singers with broken songs. We paint our pride and call it truth. I'm sorry no one explained Jesus to you.

2019 - Hey Jesus : Trey Pearson - Trey made headlines in 2016 when, as the lead singer of the Christian rock band Everyday Sunday, he came out as gay. Three years later and Trey has a question: Hey Jesus can you hear me now? It’s been awhile since I came out, I was wonderin’ do you love me the same? As a person who struggles to reconcile faith with sexual orientation, I find this song quite moving. 

2020 - God Loves Me Too : Brian Falduto - Brian played the gay kid in the movie School of Rock. Now as an adult, Brian is back and singing a song that no one has to earn God’s love. Brian wrote the song after visiting a church that was welcoming and accepting of queer people. I look around and see I’ve found a place where peace and love abound. I’ve waited my whole life for the truth. It is true, God loves you. It don’t matter if you’re LGBTQ.

2020 - Chasing Rainbows : Big Freedia feat. Kesha - Freedia is a gay Black man who carries a purse and uses “he” and “she” pronouns. Kesha is bi. Together they put out an uplifting song. Freedia lists the various ways she’s been put down throughout her life by schoolyard bullies, religious figures and record labels. Kesha makes clear we won’t be put down any longer when she sings You know me, bein’ free. Won’t be silent, I pray for my enemies. 

2020 - Jesus Christ 2005 God Bless America : The 1975 - This song has Matty Healy pondering religious faith and love from his perspective as a queer person and describes hiding his sexual identity because of his religious beliefs. Phoebe Bridgers, who is bisexual, contributes a fragile and vulnerable verse. She sings of her love for the girl next door. Her love is unrequited as she is unable to reveal her true feelings to her neighbor.

2020 - Orphans of God : Ty Herndon & Kristin Chenoweth feat. Paul Cardall - The message of the song is that there are no orphans of God. We are all loved, we are all thought about, we are all created equally and God loves us all just the same. Ty Herndon is a country singer who came out as gay in 2014

2021 - I Know it Hurts : Paul Cardall & Tyler Glenn - This makes me think of a queer person coming to recognize their insecure place in church, how all those negative teachings were about you. I just wanted to believe, but how am I supposed to believe this about me? And then we find each other, queer believers who can understand what we’re going through, who know the hurt and the teachings and comments. For most queer people, they leave church and go on a different path. They’re not lost, a faint light at the end is guiding their way, they’re finding another way back home.

2021 - It’s a Sin : Elton John and Years & Years - This arrangement of the 1987 song by the Pet Shop Boys was recorded by the gay icons Elton John and Years & Years for the 2021 Brit Awards. The words are about a person’s lifelong feelings of shame and guilt for being taught that being gay is a sin. 

2021 - Born this Way (The Country Road Version) : Orville Peck - For the 10th anniversary of this iconic song, gay singer Orville gives it a country music makeover

2022 - Good Day (feat. Derek Webb) : Flamy Grant - Matthew Blake was a worship leader for 22 years who has become a “shame-slaying, hip-swaying, singing-songwriting drag queen” named Flamy Grant. The lyrics talks of coming back to church after having left for feeling oppressed. They’ve come back to church because despite what some say, God’s love is expansive enough for everyone. God made me good in every way, so I raise my voice to celebrate a good day. This song hit #1 on the iTunes Christian chart.

2022 - If I Was Gay : Andreas Wijv - 29 year old Swedish singer and model Andreas Wijk wrote this song and debuted it in a TikTok video where he plays it for his parents as his way of coming out. It’s a vulnerable song that many will relate to. If I was gay would I be what they say, just a stereotype? If I was gay how do I get to heaven when there’s “no church in the wild”?

2023 - Faith : Semler - Grace Semler Baldridge performs by the name Semler and is genderqueer and nonbinary. Semler grew up with a dad who was a pastor in the Episcopal Church, and sings of how the rejection of their identity by the church left them scarred. When my religion turned against me, they said my hopes and dreams were faulty. I showed these holes inside my hands, and they claimed they couldn’t see. Even as they struggled with the church, Semler kept a relationship with Jesus and found they flourished far more than they did in church, and now the thought of going back to a church is unappealing. But I don’t wanna get small to be in those rooms. After singing about their religion turning against them, we hear the lyrics Our God is good and able, and our God is flipping tables at the mess of love we made a religion that often didn’t accept their identity. This song was released in June and before Pride month was over it reached the top of the iTunes Christian music chart.

2024 - Hell Together : David Archuleta - This is a song of David’s experience at church as a gay person: Bow your head, don’t be bold. You’ll survive by doin’ what you’re told. It became too much and he worries what his mom would think if he leaves the church: All I want is to make you proud. If I would run, would I let you down? In response, she replies: “If I have to live without you. I don’t wanna live forever in someone else’s heaven. So let 'em close the gates. Oh, if they don’t like the way you’re made, then they’re not any better. If Paradise is pressurе, oh, we’ll go to hell togethеr.” A beautiful story of a mom supporting her queer child. In response to his mom, he answers that he’s worried about what’s ahead but is confident to take those steps together: You and me, that’s all we need. Blood is thicker than the pages that they read. I’m afraid (I’m afraid) of letting go, of the version that I used to know. I’m not crying, you are.

[the-hottest-band-tournament]

Round Two

Dokken

Defeated opponents: The Crucifucks

Formed in: 1978

Genres: Glam metal, heavy metal, hard rock,

Lineup: Don Dokken- singer

Mick Brown- drums 

Jeff Pilson- bass guitar

George Lynch- lead guitar

Albums from the 80s: 

Breakin' the Chains (1981) (credited to Don Dokken)

Breaking the Chains (1983) (rerecording)

Tooth and Nail (1984)

Under Lock and Key (1985)

Back for the Attack (1987)

Propaganda: I’m gay. I don’t even know what else I can say there’s so much. 

Ramones

Defeated opponents: Blackfoot

Formed in: 1974

Genres: punk rock

Lineup: Joey Ramone – lead vocals

Johnny Ramone – guitar

Dee Dee Ramone – bass, backing vocals

Marky Ramone – drums

Albums from the 80s: 

End of the Century (1980)

Pleasant Dreams (1981)

Subterranean Jungle (1983)

Too Tough to Die (1984)

Animal Boy (1986)

Halfway to Sanity (1987)

Ramones Mania (1988)

Brain Drain (1989)

Propaganda: They are the iconic, prototypical punk band. What more needs to be said?

[gregre369]

The Lost Boys came out in 1987. And you can’t tell me that Eddie Munson would not have made that film his whole personality.

And you know damn well he would be mad jealous of how hot Steve found Jason Patric, Billy Wirth, Brooke McCarter, Keifer Sutherland, and Alex Winter. Like you know he’d have a poster up in his room that he stole was conveniently missing from family video.

Like genuinely, I see Steve waxing poetic and going on long drawn out tangents about Jason and Brooke’s hair from the movie, specifically. And Eddie just sitting there not so silently fuming. Mumbling under his breathe how SUPER nice and heavy metal his hair is.

Bonus points if it’s Kas Eddie. Phew boy! He’d be pointing out and correcting all the inaccuracies about vampires in the film and getting all stuffy whenever Steve shushes him. Everytime there’s a movie night Steve suggests they watch it. Like at this point he blatantly stole a copy from work. Obviously Eddie calls him on it one night when it’s just the two of them, after steve starts bemoaning his lack of hot vampire goth boyfriend. Eddie finally snaps and gets all in Steve’s face and asks(loudly), “what’s so great about them(their hair/general aesthetic) when you’ve got me?! Who’s an actual vampire…with great hair!!” And Steve just tilts his head and shrugs and says “you know what? You’re right.” Then proceeds to lay one(several) on Eddie.

Bonus bonus points if we have an alive reformed Billy who takes offense to Steve’s(and Eddie’s) attraction to Keifer and Billy Wirth.

Like oh my god! The possibilities are endless.

_____________________________________

Also as I was writing this I thought up of a The Lost Boys/Stranger Things crossover. (I’m pretty sure much more talented and creative people have not only mentioned this but also written it). But like the possibilities are endless.

Just hear me out:

-Vecna as Max

-Billy as David

-Eddie as Star

-Will as Laddie

-Joyce as Lucy

-Steve as Michael(obviously)

-Dustin as Sam

-Lucas and Mike as the frog brothers

-Tommy as Dwayne

-Johnathan as Marco

-Argyle as Paul

-El and Max as friends of Dustin’s who get brought into it.

-Robin as Steve’s new friend

-Nancy as the frogs older sister

-Erica is somewhere in this bc you know she’s sass the shit out of them

-Hopper as the security guard who gets killed(sorry Hop) maybe this is how El gets involved and since Maxine is her bestie so she does too.

-Chrissy, Heather and Jason possible victims. (Sorry Chrissy and Heather💔).

-Or maybe Heather and Carol are Billy’s and Tommy’s love interests before Steve shows up to rock the boat. Chrissy could either be Eddie’s friend or former flame. (Chrissy ends up with Robin)

Oooh or create new characters for Robin, Nancy, Chrissy, El, Max, Johnathan, Argyle, and Heather. Or maybe make the others some of the other vampires in the gang but like their in it against their will, so when Vecna inevitably dies Stobin bffs happens. Idk idk there’s just so much.

And depending if it’s Steddie or Metalsandwich Steve saves Eddie and/or Billy reforms.

Like idk but i love the film, it’s one of my favorites and just gives such great Steddie/metalsandwich vibes.

God just imagine how gay this could all be.

Like somebody else needs to write this. I can’t do it, idk if you’ve seen my liberal use of the word ‘like’ or not but a writer I am not.

[holographings]

Fourth movie recc list for pride month~ time for some japanese cinema~

I think this section has the most tonally diverse offering. Take your pick, but these are my favourites.

+DOUBLE MINTS (Dir. Eiji Uchida, 2017. 100 minutes)

Double Mints follows two ex-classmates (and enemies. and now accomplices, technically) as a phone call throws both of their lives into a nosedive. Cue burying dead bodies together and beating each other up, romantically, of course. This movie is A Lot. If you’re looking for “good gay rep” or whatever, this is not it. In a word, this movie feels very Grimy. It covers dark themes and destructive obsession and control, but if that’s as up your alley as it is mine then this movie is a Good Time. Visually it isn’t as explosive as some others on this list but it definitely has its moments. This is an adaptation from a manga, written by the same woman that wrote Doukyuusei (which is an Insane tonal shift from this series, and I for one commend her range). Warnings for extreme violence of every kind. Happy ending (I’m using the word loosely).

ALTERNATE CHOICES

+HIS (Dir. Rikiyama Imaizumi, 2020. 127 minutes)

Aaaaah, this movie. Most definitely the movie that falls closest to what people picture when someone says “a movie About Gay People”, but it’s one of the good ones. Adults being adults and trying to navigate their lives and trying not to hurt each other or their children along the way. The ending feels like a warm hug.

+CHERRY MAGIC (Live action adaptation, 2020. 12 episodes)

Please don't be put off by the full title lol. Office romance with a magic twist. Cute. Cute Cute Cute. Sugary sweet cute, and kind of warm milk compared to other stuff on this list, but I think it’s good that we get to have shows that are just cutesy romance along with the serious stuff too. Like seriously. So cute. I DO wish we’d gotten a kiss at least, though. Very much a happy ending.

HONORABLE MENTIONS-

+TO EACH HIS OWN (Dir. Izuru Narushima, 2017. 117minutes)

Again, kind of cheating as this movie doesn’t explicitly touch on lgbtq+ themes, but like The Vibes are there. It’s just a weird, delightful, quiet little movie. It just feels so Hopeful. It’s my list and i’m putting it here. One of my all-time favourites.

ANIMATED

A special section as I CANNOT move on without mentioning these two-

Oniisama e (1991)/ Kaze To Ki No Uta (1987)

Originally written by Riyoko Ikeda and Keiko Takemiya respectively, these are THE shining stars among the year 24 group mangas (and later animated series) in my opinion. Boarding school drama is synonymous with 90s shoujo and boy is there A Lot to unpack in terms of sexuality and gender in both of these pieces. They are products of their time and there’s certain aspects that I imagine wouldn’t fly in today’s era, but they’re fantastic pieces of art that have touched me deeply and are ingrained in my personality forever lol. Thematically, Kaze To Ki No Uta is a little bit heavier but both will leave you with a very very deep feeling of sadness in their own unique way. I won’t even start on the animation style, there is NOTHING better than 90’s shoujo. So sparkly. So many roses and tears. Honorable mention is Rose of Versailles (1979), however i’ve never finished it in full so i cant really put it on here.

[remembertheplunge]

Sweetwater's

March 4, 1988.  Friday

My God, whadda day. I never did make it to Sacramento. Instead, a drink turned LONG.

I hankered for a man. Not really the prettiest man, but, a man. Sam.  Who thumped me along side the head with a bible and then said—maybe—and “can we just be friends?” I said “yea”. Frankly, oddly, I’d prefer it—I’ll keep the LUST in my heart. I came out to Sam  at Sweetwaters. DAs were every where.It was a good bye party for one of them. RISK—SMILE.

Sam  said “gay is bad”. I said “Don’t try to save me.”

He attacked from many angles.

I emerge content and happy.

If the DAs or Sam  know or tell, (that I’m gay) what care I? Great night and life.

End of entry

Margin note to above:

June 15, 1990

The man at the Town House Bar asked  me “Are you happy with Life?” “Yes” I said, really feeling “yes”.

He said “I am, too.” really feeling “too." 

End of margin note

Notes 9/13/2024:

From what I recall about Sam (not his real name), he was very religious. Apparently he was taught in his church that gay was evil. And so, if I am remembering correctly, Sam told me that my being gay was wrong and evil on more than one occasion. This was despite the fact that I believe he, himself was gay. I haven’t heard from or of Sam  for decades now.

The Town House Bar was a gay bar in Sacramento, California. What the man at the Town House was asking me was “Are you happy being an out gay man?”

The DAs were Deputy District Attorneys. I was a Deputy Public Defender in 1988, so I would have known and worked closely with most or all of the DA’s in attendance.

RJ Sweetwaters  restaurant opened in the mid 1980’s in Modesto, California on 9th street. It closed in 2002 and the building  later burned down. It’s just a gravel lot now. 

I drive by that lot often on my way in and out of town and still see my  1986 good bye party taking place there. I was leaving the Public Defender’s office after working there two years.  Judges, DAs and Public Defenders came to the party. The office gave me a brief case as a good bye present which I still have.

I returned to the Public Defender's office in 1987, only to be fired in 1997 largely because on my return I had come out as gay and let people know  that I was working with and giving support to men living and dying wit AIDS. In 1997, there was no good bye party. No brief case good bye gift. . Just a boot out of the door. And, an unending story to tell. 

[polaroidtelevision]

I was going to post a list of the several writer steve aus bouncing around in my head for people to take and use as they please but then I spiralled on a specific one and now it’s at 2k and counting and too long to post here like I was going to so anyway chapter one of this will be out on ao3 soon. Maybe

Basically Steve’s a writer and Eddie’s a barista at a queer friendly cafe with a rockstar side gig.

It’s 1987, the upside down didn’t happen, Steve finally gets out of his parents house and gets an apartment with robin in the city. He starts going to community college to work towards eventually being a counselor or teacher or something. While he isn’t studying he picks up hobbies he felt like he could never even begin to approach while under his parents roof and he and robin explore the queer scene of the area(he realized he was bisexual in 1985). They find a cafe not far from the apartment, it’s called Dorothy’s Keep, it’s decorated very fantastically and it just screams this is a safe place to be yourself, not to mention the name, it’s a queer refuge hiding in plain sight. And Steve becomes a regular. He claims a table in the corner and spends lots of time their studying, and then he starts writing. He gets the idea on a whim one day when on the phone with Dustin, who’s telling him about their latest dnd campaign back in Hawkins. The storyline evolves into its own thing in his head, and then he puts his own twists into the scene, his own monsters and characters, and he starts writing. Its a fantasy horror romance that starts out being about a boy and a girl, but after a few interactions with the cute barista at Dorothy’s keep he makes the main characters queer. His writing end up being good, and he’s cranking the story out, between the atmosphere at the cafe and his life being actually pretty sorted out, he can finally afford to be creative.

Said cute barista AKA Eddie Munson always greets Steve by name or nickname when he comes in now, it’s been a couple months since he first started coming in, and maybe Eddie has a bit of a crush on his favorite regular.

One day he sees Steve looking particularly frustrated in the corner, and frustrated Steve looks like a kicked puppy and Eddie just can’t have that going on, so he decides to finally gather the courage to do something like he’s been meaning to. So he brings Steve his favorite pastry that he often orders. Steve says “I uh, I didn’t order this?” And Eddie says something about how he looked so sad and “i can’t have my favorite regular being down in the dumps, now, can I?”

Steve says thanks and is like yeah you know what I’m done with this for today and closes the journal he’s writing in and Eddie’s guesses “schoolwork?” And Steve replies with “nah, writers block is kicking my ass.”

Naturally, Eddie asks “you’re a writer?” And it ends with Steve telling him all about his story for the next hour and Eddie assuring him that he’s the manager and won’t get in trouble for extending his break a bit and they flirt. Like. A lot.

They talk more often after that and flirt a lot and we’ll, you can guess where the story is headed.

Keep an eye out for the fic, it’s gonna be super gay and cute, I’ll repost this when chapter one is out. I haven’t decided if I’m gonna add angst yet or not, but knowing me there’ll be a.. little bit. There’ll be a happy ending though, I promise.

[ceciliatan]

Are we in a Golden Age of Queer & Trans SF/F?

Hello and welcome to another ctan monthly update! It’s Pride Month, so today let’s talk about queer science fiction and fantasy. First some housekeeping: Mailchimp has been driving me nuts, with the newsletter sometimes displaying so tiny on mobile devices it was illegible. I’m trying on a new template today, with new fonts. Please let me know if this one looks better to you (or worse!) than before so I can keep improving it. Second, my apology this is a bit later than I intended, but I had knee surgery on Wednesday and as you can imagine it’s put a bit of a cramp into my schedule. I’ve discovered I would rather have my knee hurt and my brain work than be “pain free” but feel seasick from narcotics. Apparently opioids are not my friends! Bleah. And now to my slightly linkbait-y topic: are we in a “Golden Age” of queer and trans SF/F? Yes, yes we are, end of essay. Just kidding, of course I’m going to explain WHY my answer is yes. For the SFWA Nebulas Conference this month, I had proposed this question as a panel topic and was highly gratified it got chosen—even better, they let me moderate the panel, and SFWA populated it with a terrific slate that included Jordan Kurella, Charlie Jane Anders, Zabé Ellor, and L.P. Kindred. (I had also proposed “are we in a golden age of Asian SF/F?” which I also believe has a yes answer, but that one didn’t make the slate, so I’m trying to arrange it as a Zoom panel for later this summer for Capricon’s online programming. Stay tuned.) Jordan unfortunately had to miss the Nebs, so the other four of us soldiered on without him. One terrific thing about the slate of panelists is we had basically three generations represented. (If only we’d had a Boomer, we could have had four generations!) We each had different entry points to SF/F. So when I asked “Who was the first character in SF/F you read who you knew was queer?” we had four drastically different answers. Illustrating how far we’ve come: I, the Gen X “elder” on the panel, was the only one whose answer was a villain. Back when, it was a common trope to make a villain “extra evil” by slapping a coating of sexual deviance on them. Baron Harkonnen in DUNE was the first “gay” character I encountered. If only I’d stumbled upon Samuel R. Delany before Frank Herbert, eh? I didn’t get to Delany until I was in college. The first positive depiction of a gay character I could think of I read around 1990, in Ellen Kushner’s lovely book Swordspoint (Amazon, Bookshop), but the gay relationship between Alec and St. Vier is so delicately written there’s a kind of plausible deniability about it. But at least they’re both main characters—heroes, even! That book remains one of my faves to this day. Swordspoint was published in 1987, and right after I read it, another important book was published, Uranian Worlds, a bibliography compiled by Eric Garber and Lyn Paleo. Billed as “A Guide to Alternative Sexuality in Science Fiction, Fantasy, and Horror,” the book had first been published in 1980, and by 1990 needed a new edition because so many examples had to be added. Uranian Worlds was a complete bibliography of EVERY short story, book, or novella that included EVERY bit of representation of LGBTQ characters in sf/f/h for nearly fifty years… and it was only 280 pages long. Think about that. The editors of Uranian Worlds had scoured literature for every possible inclusion, small presses as well as large ones, queer lit mags as well as Asimov’s, for decades. And what they came up with just barely filled one not-that-big book. Nowadays, we have that much queer sf/f/h being published every year. If that ain’t a Golden Age, what is? The panel also talked about who the first SF/F writers were who we knew were queer or trans: for me it was Samuel R. Delany and Rachel Pollack (Rest in Peace, Rachel!) Now, I know more than I can count just from among my Twitter mutuals—and that’s not even counting the hundred-or-so queer writers I edited at Circlet Press! But speaking of writers being out. We discussed whether an author “owes” it to the audience to come out. Short answer: no. If you missed the discourse a few years back about “the helicopter story,” I won’t recap it here, but suffice to say it was just one high-profile example of an author being attacked online for apparently either being insufficiently “out” or not “visibly” conforming to audience notions of queerness, resulting in the author being treated like some kind of interloper or exploitative outsider…. which they might not have been. At this panel was the first time I felt there was consensus in the room that harm has been been done to queer and trans writers (by members of our own communities!) with the incessant questioning of “authenticity” and the demands on the public baring of identity. We’ve sharpened our knives to attack the systems that oppress us, but we can all too easily turn them on each other if/when we judge someone is “part of the problem.” As LP succinctly put it: we have to allow writers some grace. Zabé made an excellent point: you can’t treat sexual identity marginalizations exactly the same way you treat other marginalizations. Sexuality and gender are fluid, complex, and changing. There’s a huge difference between a white author pretending to be an author of color “for clout,” and an author who is in the closet or in transition writing about queer characters as a way to figure out their own sexuality or explore their identity. Charlie Jane mentioned that she and I know multiple writers who started out looking like “straight women getting off on writing about gay men” who are living as gay men now. Give people grace. Not everyone has the same safety, opportunity, or self-awareness to be “out.” In the late 80s and early 1990s, right after Swordspoint we had a small spate of queer flowering in SF/F, with Melissa Scott and Tanya Huff and Mercedes Lackey (Vanyel is the ultimate “bury your gays” trope, though…!) and others. Book publishing in the 1990s also went through a pro-diversity spasm, self-castigating about being too white, and SF/F being too male-dominated, as well. There was much talk about trying to diversify the writers being seen in anthologies, in best-of lists, and on award nomination slates. But the writers couldn’t just appear out of thin air. Not then. But they can now. We literally conjure them out of the aether—the Internet. What’s different now that has led to such increased numbers of queer and trans writers, but also the vastly increased representation of authors of color? It’s the Internet. The same Internet that is problematic as described above, nonetheless allows marginalized writers a visibility we wouldn’t have otherwise. It means that, for example, Hugo awards nominators can discover writers somewhere other than on a bookstore retail shelf. Editors can find and “meet” writers somewhere other than within New York publishing’s white-dominated cocktail circuit. This time when 21st century diversity initiatives have been launched, thanks to the power of the Internet, the writers and editors who emerged have been able to network and build a privilege structure of our own. Some of that happens with the help of SFWA, with things like the AAPI or BIPOC meetups at the Nebulas, and sometimes it happens with us building our own email lists, Discords, online magazines, anthologies, you name it. Instead of backsliding when the industry loses interest in the latest diversity “fad”, we’ve been able to keep expanding the opportunities for each other, to keep pulling each other up the ladder. It’s still not as strong or wide-reaching as some “old boy networks” out there, but SFWA itself is a far more diverse and welcoming place than it was in the 20th century, and the Nebulas conference really demonstrated that. There was much more said on the panel, of course, including what the four of us would consider a Platinum Age to be. (Btw, if you register as a Nebulas online attendee, btw, you can see the archived videos of all the panels from this year’s conference, including ours, and also participate in SFWA online programming all year round.) One final thought: it’s worth remembering that not only is this proliferation of queer and trans voices in the sf/f genres a massive improvement over 35, 25, or even 15 years ago, it’s also happening at the same time as a ton of book banning and book burning all across the USA. In fact, I believe book banning is so hot right now BECAUSE there are so many books coming out that don’t conform to the heterosexual conservative norms. SF/F has always been a place to dream of being different, and the genre is finally realizing its subversive potential. In the 1980s and ’90s we used to march through the streets chanting “We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it.” It feels to me like within the SF/F world, people finally have. DGC Vol 4 is live! Another month, another new edition! Volume 4 (of 13) is now live in Kindle Unlimited. In book 4, Moondog 3 hits the road for a major cross country tour and Daron must contend with a homophobic opening act, a budding friendship/attraction with a rock journalist, and the inexorable magnetism of Ziggy pulling him into his orbit every night on stage. READ IT NOW IN KU: https://amzn.to/3VuJvxN AND DGC VOL 1 is now WIDE! Book one is now on sale at various other outlets besides Amazon, although check out the “A+ content” I’ve added to the Amazon page, snazzy, no? Find vol one on Bookshop.org, Barnes & Noble paperback, Barnes & Noble Nook, and request the ebook to libraries through Overdrive. OR ADD IT TO YOUR GOODREADS TBR: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9447189-daron-s-guitar-chronicles WIP Report I’m excited to report that one of the short stories I wrote while trying to get my brain back in gear after I had COVID in September has sold to Julia Rios for Worlds of Possibility! The title is “This Goodly Frame, The Earth,” which is a Shakespeare quote because I failed to think of anything else and Shakespeare is a good plan B. It’s about intergenerational diaspora trauma among the women of a filipina-american family, eldest daughter syndrome, and what happens when a ship full of humans that can bend space and time returns to an Earth in climate crisis far sooner than expected. It’s kind of hopepunk, I guess? Meanwhile, Windmark, a.k.a. “the unexpected dragon book,” has passed 50,000 words, but I feel like I’ve barely gotten out of act one? But I’m notorious for misjudging how far into a book I actually am. Until I’m actually done I really can’t tell you where the act breaks or beats are. I just know when it is done, then it will be obvious. A wisecracking nonbinary power bottom just showed up to boss around the hero (from the bottom, of course) and is in danger of taking over the story. I think I’m having the problem that both my main characters are suppressing their emotions so much because of the past trauma that made them hate each other, that they are coming across kind of flat and all the secondary characters seem much more colorful and interesting! Clearly something has to crack soon… I’m also having the problem that I’ve set up a really misogynistic culture, which means our heroine and all the female characters are very much living under a constant threat of sexual violence. I know we’re in the post-Game of Thrones era, which was rapey as all get out, but I really did not set out to write what is essentially female body horror with this book. I sidestepped the issue in The Prince’s Boy by having no female characters… except in the end there is the body horror once the villain comes into physical contact with our heroes. I have to figure out where this one is going to land and how exactly my heroine is going to come into her power. It’s funny, I had half convinced myself to just write another all-male cast book… and then this female-bodied character put her foot down and demanded to be written. So I just have to figure out how to do her justice. AND NOW PHOTOS FROM THE NEBULAS CONFERENCE Met Nghi Vo in real life for the first time! Many Circlet Press alums were at the Nebs (and Moniquill won one!) Caught up with David D. Levine (another Circlet alum), here with Vela Roth and Amy Young-Leith (and me)  With Kate Pennington. Who knows a lot about whales!  And SB Divya. And I have way more photos than this but this is enough picspam, don'tcha think? Tour Dates & Upcoming Appearances 2024: - July 11-14: Readercon, Boston area - August 7-11: SABR National Convention, Minneapolis - October 16-20: World Fantasy Con, Niagara Falls 2025: - January 17-20: Arisia, Cambridge, MA (new hotel: Hyatt Cambridge) - March 12-15: ICFA, Orlando, FL - August 13-17: Worldcon in Seattle, WA Upcoming Cons Readercon last year was a really great time, with a very good outdoor hangout area that turned into a nonstop literary green room party. I just got my schedule and it looks like tremendous fun. July 11-13 in Quincy, Massachusetts (just a few miles south of Boston proper). My reading will be on Thursday night. Should I read from the unexpected dragon book? Or the hopepunk story? Or something smuttier? Hmmm......  Parting Thoughts Okay, no book recs this time, but I will leave you with a link to one recipe, because it is strawberry season here in New England, and that means it is strawberry PIE season, as well. It’s also the season when fresh basil starts showing up in the farmer’s market. Some years ago I took the idea for a dessert we often see: a sort of dessert salad of strawberries served cut up with chopped basil, with a dressing made of balsamic vinegar and maple syrup, but I made it a pie instead. Find the whole recipe at my blog: https://blog.ceciliatan.com/archives/2412 By next month maybe I’ll have read some of the books in my pile and will have some recommendations… I have to finish the proofs and edits on Daron’s books 11, 12, and 13 first, though! Until then! -ctan Read the full article

[gayartbirb]

About Poison Ivy and Count Vertigo

Hi, hello, I’m not dead, I’ve just been incredibly busy and kind of taking a break from social media in general. Currently on a MASSIVE DC Comics kick and there’s one particular topic that I’ve seen some HORRENDOUS takes about on here, so let’s discuss.

I never thought I’d be saying this, but CONTENT WARNING: I’m unfortunately going to be discussing topics related to rape and sexual assault below the cut. If that ain’t your cup of tea, I completely understand, and you’re free to scroll away now. TLDR if you don’t wanna read the whole thing: I’ve seen people accuse Poison Ivy of raping Count Vertigo just because she brainwashed him. These people have clearly never read the comic in question, and I’m sick and tired of this misinformation being spread around.

Okay? Okay, let’s do this.

So, it shouldn’t suprise anyone that Poison Ivy is probably one of my favorite DC characters of all time. I mean, I consider her to be one of my first gay awakenings (the others were Darcy from Winx Club and Emma Frost from Wolverine and the X-Men, if you’re wondering). So, when I see people accuse Ivy of being a full-blown RAPIST, I’m obviously gonna be upset.

Now, me being a simp is not clouding my judgement in this case. When I first saw people making this claim, I tried my dammdest to put my bias to the side and figure out what the hell these people were talking about. Lo and behold, I find out that it’s complete BS.

This particular claim stems from John Ostrander’s run on Suicide Squad starting back in 1987. I’m specifically referring to issue #45. This section on Count Vertigo’s Wikipedia page explains what went down infinitely better than I could, so I’m just gonna quote it here:

“He would later come to join the Suicide Squad in exchange for a shortened prison sentence, and it was revealed that he was plagued by bipolar disorder. After the Suicide Squad disbanded for the first time, Count Vertigo was captured by Vlatavan rebels, who wished to use his powers to overthrow the current Vlatavan government. They used a variety of drugs on him, each with a differing effect on the Count, as he would for example suddenly see himself as an Angel of Vengeance, sent to wreak havoc on the current rulers. Although he largely believed himself master of his own will, his mood swings were completely subject to his captors.

He was captured by Poison Ivy when the Suicide Squad came in and resolved the conflict and Kaligari (then-ruler of Vlatava) was murdered. Count Vertigo was Poison Ivy's slave for a long period of time, during which he grew to hate Poison Ivy and frequently threatened to kill her when he was free of her control. Amanda Waller was able to free Vertigo of her control so that he could stop a group of missiles hitting Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem at the behest of the villain Kobra. If the Dome had been destroyed, innocent lives would have been lost in a resulting war.

Vertigo succeeded, and it turned out that as he went into rehab and expunged the chemicals that had been pumped into his body by both Ivy and the rebels, that he was unwittingly cured of the disorder that had plagued him for so long.”

I’d also like to point out this snippet:

“Vertigo also resolved his grudge with Poison Ivy. During the War of the Gods crossover, he was perfectly willing to let her die when he found her abandoned on an Amazonian island; ironically, she was bound and promised whoever freed her, her undying devotion. Snickering snidely, Vertigo left her to die in the ruins of the collapsing temple they were in. Still, Ivy was saved, and Count Vertigo would later reluctantly work alongside her in the Suicide Squad, leaving their grudge be.”

Now, what does this have to do with Ivy allegedly being a rapist? Well, I’ve seen multiple people on here claim that Ivy raped Count Vertigo when she brainwashed him. To be quite blunt, this couldn’t be further from the truth. There is no, and I mean NO instances of Ivy raping or assaulting Count Vertigo. The worst thing she does is have him do things for her. That’s it. No overly sexual stuff in there at all. Here, take some pages that (hopefully) prove my point:

So, tell me why I’m seeing people say stuff like this (these were all taken from @super-hero-confessions btw. No hate to that blog, and I’m sorry y’all got caught in the crossfire on this one):

“What Poison Ivy did to Count Vertigo is exactly what Purple Man did to Jessica Jones. If it’s okay to stan Ivy, then it should be okay to stan Killgrave.”

“POISON IVY IS A RAPIST, USING HER PHEROMONES TO MAKE PEOPLE DO THINGS THEY WOULDN'T NORMALLY DO IS THE SAME AS GIVING SOMEONE A DATE RAPE DRUG. TRYING TO CALL PEOPLE HOMOPHOBIC BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE THE PAST OF YOUR FAVE CHARACTER BEING POINTED OUT, JUST SHOWS IMMATURITY AND THE FACT THAT HARL/IVY FANS FORGET THAT IVY IS A VILLAIN.”

“IT'S REALLY TELLING TO ME THAT THE PEOPLE WHO CALL JOKER A RAPIST FOR WHAT HE DID TO BARBARA ARE THE TYPE OF PEOPLE WHO MAKE EXCUSES OR TRY TO DOWNPLAY POISON IVY ACTUALLY RAPING COUNT VERTIGO. "IT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME BACK THEN, IT DOESN'T COUNT." YOU'RE DISGUSTING AND A HYPOCRITE.”

“I LOVE SEEING POISON IVY FAN BLOGS SAYING IT'S WRONG TO LIKE PURPLE MAN BECAUSE HE'S A RAPIST. I GUESS THEY THINK A WOMAN RAPING A MAN LIKE WHAT IVY DID TO COUNT VERTIGO DOESN'T COUNT.”

“POISON IVY DOESN'T DESERVE A REDEMPTION ARC BECAUSE SHE IS A RAPIST.”

“IT ANNOYS ME WHEN PEOPLE SAY JOKER SHOULDN'T BE GAY BECAUSE HE'S DONE BAD THINGS. POISON IVY IS A RAPIST AND A SERIAL KILLER AND NO ONE COMPLAINS ABOUT HER BEING LGBT? WHY CAN'T JOKER BE?”

Now, I’m saying all of this in relation to Count Vertigo. If there’s any ACTUAL instances of Ivy raping someone, feel free to let me know. HOWEVER, if you’re going to do that, I want you to cite the actual comic where it happens. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in college, it’s that you should never make a claim if you can’t back it up with an actual source.

That being said, I think the idea of Ivy and Vertigo being a couple is really funny, and I’m absolutely down to write a fanfiction addressing all of this stuff if anyone’s interested. I may be a shitty fiction writer, but dammit, I’m willing to try.

Anyway, stop calling Ivy a rapist. Sure, she does stuff that crosses a line on occassion, but she’s a villain. I’m pretty sure they all do that.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go listen to some Precure OST’s to cleanse my mind of this absolute nonsense.