#what do you MEAN shepard gave him an order to leave

[permanentlylatetotheparty]

okay, as someone who could find almost exclusively playthroughs where shepard had a romance from the previous game , let me tell you i was NOT prepared for this interaction at the beginning of ME2

[soapybutt17]

Do I Wanna Know?

Summary:John has blood on his hands, just as much as you did. But this was something different. He has his secret, just as much as you did in your line of work. But this was different, he has committed a war crime and the blood on his hands was something you held along your bloodied own.. Character: John Price x F!Wife!Reader. Word Count: 1,209 Chapter Warnings: Mention of Murder. Mention of Kidnapping and trauma associated with it. Mention of Survivor's guilt. Price is just a bb boi here that needs a lots of hugs and kisses. AU. Soap is alive here, but was hospitalized from the encounter.

Based on this ask:

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John Price was a lot of things. But to this day, he would have never thought he would murder a man without an order of anyone but for his own intentions. He had blood on his hands and there were only two individuals that knew.

Laswell that had orchestrated his ability to be in the man’s office. She who had ensured that he would do his deeds and leave without anyone knowing otherwise. Laswell knew what it meant to him, how John had to fight tooth and nail with the guilt of almost losing Soap because of the mission with Makarov. It was inevitable that he had to do this, he had to kill Shepard if he wanted to ensure the safety of everyone he cares for.

Then there was you, his wife, and his most trusted partner. He could do no wrong in your eyes. How even in your hesitation for the plan he and Laswell had devised had trusted him that it would not be placed back on him when the fire begins to spread. You trusted him even when you knew it was not the right thing to do.

“Hi,” He slipped back to your shared home.

You were in your pajamas tonight, with your daughter asleep on your lap and your son cradled in your arms fighting the last ounce of strength to keep awake. He could see the tiredness in your eyes but there was a darkness in your eyes that seemed to consume you as you looked at him.

“John.”

He gave a quick nod, kissing you at the top of your head but refused to touch you just yet. He feared the metaphorical blood still in his hands needed to be washed. He refused to hold onto you or his children when it painted him still. He refused to soil the very reason why he did what he had to do.

Walking upstairs to your shared bedroom, he shed himself of his clothes, refusing to place them in the hamper as the fire place would be a better end to them. He stood bare in his own bathroom, his eyes glued onto the mirror to the sight of him. Worn and torn by the war, never hesitant to pull the trigger if it means the mission is done and over with. How it had been so easy to pull the trigger and kill Shepard. It truly scared him, what he was able to do and even if he knew it was for the greater good.

He killed a man. It wasn’t accidental, it was not in the fields nor was it due to self-defense. He murdered a man in cold blood and as the night grows on, the guilt was coming at him with full force.

How the actions—or lack thereof had become a domino effect that he was trying his best to clean up, to pick the pieces back up and move on. He should have allowed Soap to kill Makarov all those years ago. He should have never trusted someone like Graves to be involved with his team. He should have never placed you in his taskforce.

All his actions led to where he stood now. A broken man that never knew what it felt like to be this broken until he looked at the mirror. How the tears came in floods, consuming him from the inside out. He was pathetic. A captain that could not even ensure the safety of his own team.

“John.”

He turned and he did not bother to wipe away the tears as he looked at you. He was wrapped in your arms as his sobs grew louder. He was weeping for the pain and torment his actions has caused you and every single one of his team.

Soap was barely alive. You had closely escaped death from being held captive. The world was almost about to begin world war three. Everything was going to shit and he genuinely did not know what he could do to stop it all.

“It’s okay. I’m here.” You reassured stripping yourself of your clothes and pulling him into the shower.

The cold spray brought a deep shiver down his spine as it finally hit his skin. Standing in the middle of the shower, you had allowed him to wrap his arms around you as he continued to sob. All the pain of everything in his life slowly faded away as he held you in his arms.

Slowly as the tears no longer feel and he was hiccupping, you pulled away with tears in your own eyes. Your hands gently wiped the water on his face and kissed him in the cheeks and nuzzling your face against the crook of his neck.

“You did the right thing.” You assured him. “It was for the better.” You continued as you began to wash him.

Your movement was gentle—loving. You washed him with so much gentleness that he knew all too well that he didn’t deserve. He never deserved your love anymore after what he had put your through.

“Do you want to talk about it?” You asked him, lathering your palms with the shower gel.

“Do you want to know?” He quipped right back.

“If you want to me to know, I am more than willing to carry the weight with you, John.”

“I don’t deserve you.” He whispered holding onto your hands.

How bloodied and battered his hand was so easily cleansed by your touch. He held onto your own, intertwining them together as he pulled you in for a kiss. All the memory of the last few months momentarily faded away in your arms.

~

“I finally did it.” John spoke as he laid in bed with you in his arms.

All you could do was nod realizing what that had meant, what it would finally mean after all was said and done.

“Who knows what you did?” You inquired for a moment fearing the aftermath when all was said and done.

“You and Laswell. No one more.”

You nodded, wrapping your arms around him. Hands rubbing against his naked skin. You felt the goose bumps litter his skin from the memory more than from your touch. You know what had caused this, knew what it was for the best.

“Johnny’s finally awake.” You whispered to him, with him finally pulling away from a moment to look at you and the tears of relief flooded him.

“That’s—that’s good to hear. How’s he holding up?”

“His head hurts and making sure Simon’s head is too while he’s looking after him.”

You hoped that even just a glimpse of good news would appease him and the guilt that weighed so heavily on his shoulders.

“I’m glad…” He trailed off, moving his body until his head nestled against the plush flesh of your chest. “I’m so glad…”

Slowly you had felt his breathing slowly calm as his grasp around you slowly loosen. You laid still from where you laid hoping that in this moment everything would finally go back for the better. For your husband’s sake and for the rest of the team that was now ghosted by everything that had anything to do with Makarov and Shepard.

[babygurltash]

OC Name Meaning

Hi, I'm about two weeks late to this - thanks so much for the tag, @sillyliterature! :D

Rules: google and post the meaning of your OC'S name (if you made their name up or they go by a nickname, post an explanation of how it came to you)! bonus if you can find something for their last name too.

I'll do my BG3 Tavs (+ my Durge) and also some of my Shepards! <33

Laurel: My first, and main, Tav!! They're a Seldarine drow warlock with the Folk Hero background (I went in blind and didn't realize Wyll has the same class & background, oops). They've always tried really hard to forge relationships with all kinds of people to 'prove' that not all drow are evil and/or Lolth worshippers. Since their mom raised them to be a selfless hero who would improve public perception of drow like she does, they were named after the crown of leaves that would be given to heroes and victors in our world... which has been a heavy burden to bear. In meeting Lae'zel, they learned that it's completely possible to not care what others think of you or how you 'represent your race' - and it's taught them to be themself, instead of some ideal of a 'perfect' drow.

Estelle: My tiefling sorcerer that I made specifically to romance Astarion with! Estelle was born to a tiefling general and a marid (evil water devil). Their mother, the general, wanted a child who would have strong powers and an even stronger mind - that's how she chose Estelle's father. However, Estelle had a soft heart and no mind for strategy. Their parents abandoned them on the streets as a result. This made Estelle grow angry and cold, and they vowed to tap into their own strength, join the army, and get revenge on the parents who saw them as worthless. The Nautiloid got them before they ever made it off the streets though. I borrowed their name from a character I love in Arslan Senki - she disguises herself as a boy to join the army and fight for what she believes in, so I thought it was fitting.

Tharien: My sister told me she had a dream where I made a D&D character and called him Tharien, so I made a BG3 character with that name, hahaha. He's my little murder freak who's going to destroy the grove and romance Minthara!

Valiska: My first, and so far only, Durge. I really wanted to play with the contrast between the monstrous and the beautiful, so I chose a race that's seen as monstrous (half-orc) and gave her soft, beautiful hair. She's also a bard because she wants to add loveliness to the world, and hates the violence within her very much. 'Valiska' as a name kind of just came to me, I think it rolls off the tongue nicely and thought it suited her appearance somehow.

Seren: The githyanki cleric I made for my co-op pt with my bf! They're a cleric of Tyr with a strong moral code that leaves little room for subtlety or nuance. I named them after a character I like (again), this time from Magi: Princess Serendine. Magi's Serendine is brave and stubborn, and she learns that the country she believed in so strongly is actually rotten on the inside. I wanted my Seren to go through a similar arc, and they share a lot of Magi's Seren's traits, so I found the name very fitting.

Aria: My first Shepard!! I once again went in blind - imagine my surprise when I got to ME2 and met Aria T'Loak...

Aria Shepard is Earthborn, and was found on the steps of an orphanage in the middle of an opera performance at the nearby theater. Her caretakers heard the music and named her accordingly. She's always shut away the more poetic, soft side of herself in order to survive her harsh realities. That changes when she meets Thane, who draws out her most vulnerable self almost without trying. I'm still in the middle of writing a long (very long) fic about her and Thane that I'm hoping to maybe start publishing soon.

Ares: A renegade Shepard is something that can actually be so personal, as I learned when I made Ares. She's a tough career soldier who's wholly dedicated to the Alliance and its ideals, so ME2 has been a fun ride so far. I wanted her name to be equally tough and not too feminine, because she's nonbinary. When the idea hit me to name her after the god of war, I couldn't stop thinking about it until I sat down and completed her character creation.

Tobi: The Shepard I made so I could finally romance Tali! Tobi is a Colonist who has spent years hiding behind false identities. When the Batarians came and took his family, he ran until his legs gave out and his cousin Tobias had to carry him to safety. Tobias was then caught and killed. The incident shook Tobi up so badly that he kind of lost his sense of self, and instead took on Tobias' name and identity. He joined the Alliance under that false name, two years too young to be legally allowed to do so. Hackett figures out what happened eventually, but by that point, Tobi Shepard is an indispensible part of the military and is already of age. No one's called Tobi by his given name since his family died, and he prefers to keep it that way... though he's told Tali his story in private.

No-pressure tagging: @megatraven @aevallare @choccy-zefirka @jotarowan and anyone else who feels like it, feel free to say I tagged you!!

[luckyspacerabbit]

would you ever share the background you created for kai leng? i'd be so interested in hearing it!

Hehe, yes! Thank you for waiting anon. I wanted to really think this through and make sure I was working with all the possible details of his character.

Okay, so my goal with fleshing out Kai was not to excuse him as a villain or to necessarily redeem him, but to humanize him and hopefully incur sympathy because I find his depiction as a mysterious lackey boogeyman to be 🙄 one dimensional and playing on racist tropes like the yellow peril ✨ (also bioware making him predominantly chinese + a lil russian. extrapolate what u will lol)

So here is my background for Kai :) Lots of childhood headcanoning and then some general talk about his character/why I chose certain elements as I did (such as dumping that dumb phantom blade for butterfly swords AEORHIG)

Childhood: According to the wiki, Kai is Earthborn, and from his general heritage we can assume that he grew up in Northern China (omg that's where my ancestors are from). The most populous city there is Beijing, which, if there was a spaceport or alliance recruitment anywhere, it would be there.

I headcanon that he was born to a bit of an unsteady family, where it was likely there was estrangement and unsafe conditions between the mother and father that may have created a sense of helplessness and neglect from a young age.

In my canon, Dan Hyun's mom, Hannah Shepard was the head of an agricultural research facility on Trident, and was an old friend of Kai's mom (From University, possibly).

As conditions worsened throughout Kai's childhood, his mom decided to take a chance and flee with Kai (age 10 at the time) to Hannah Shepard's science facility on Trident (Sentinel Agricultural Research Facility), where she and Kai would stay for about two years as his mom worked to save enough money for their own place .

Since Dan Hyun was already being homeschooled, it was easy enough for Kai to join up alongside her.

Dan Hyun (12 at the time) was extremely happy to have a friend since life on the facility could be really lonely-- but with all these changes Kai was having a difficult time adjusting, especially when Dan Hyun felt put off by his competitive attitude. After so long feeling neglected and growing in a tumultuous home environment, he craved external validation: homeschool provided an avenue for that. They developed their own academic-based competitive rivalry that counted towards friendship, but grew distant when he moved out with his mom about two years later.

When Dan Hyun was 18 (Kai at 16), she managed to apply to an Alliance Research Training program and receive admission-- something that was considered highly prestigious, despite her parents' reluctance. Kai had already begun to build resentment towards her due to the way her parents treated her (very preciously, sheltered, and without exposing her to the difficult parts of life) in contrast with what he lacked in family and world kindness, creating a drive to supersede her and compete with her once again, if only to have tangible proof that just because he began in a lower place didn't mean he couldn't surpass the vision of success.

After this event, they would strike up a still somewhat friendly rivalry again that continued until Kai enlisted in the Alliance at the age of 18 (his attempts to join directly at 16 failed in my canon lol, but he sure tried )

Alliance Service:

Kai took the combat-driven route while Dan Hyun was receiving training for her eventual research establishment in Akuze, meaning that in their line of work, they never crossed paths-- Though they maintained occasional communication and met up here and there whenever Kai was back from his tours.

This is where I believe his decline truly began.

Some habits, like his desire for tangible proof of success and seeking external validation, manifested more heavily in this time. Collecting badges off of dead soldiers (To remember his skill first hand) is a notable one, but I speculate he relied heavily on the word of his commanding officers to counter his self-esteem. Titles were incredibly important because they were proof. When he began to feel a loss of control which led to emotional outbursts and breakdowns, he would fall back on these bits of evidence that he had done something, anything.

The weight and violence of service combined to break away his mental strength and conditioned him to that of a soldier.

Famously, he was discharged in 2186 after his N7 designation. In a bar fight on shore leave, he murdered a Krogan (OKAY. Listen. The wiki says "first-degree murder" but first degree requires premeditation and bar fight implies heat of the moment. So IDK I think the details around this one are a little fishy. He was on leave but he was a soldier, so ? he probably just had a weapon on him? Okay, I'm not excusing him but premeditation is a bit different from manslaughter so just something I've pondered. It separates intentional killers from accidental murders).

At this point, he is formally incarcerated and set to serve a twenty-year sentence.

Cerberus Contact:

The year is 2177, and Kai has lost everything he's ever worked for. His prestige is gone, he is at the worst place he has ever been, his mom won't talk to him, and he has no one. He had even stopped hearing from Dan Hyun, the only person he could have considered a friend once.

Through a small TV in the prison, he is able to hear about the attack on Akuze, and its one survivor: Alliance Scientist Dan Hyun Shepard. In the attack her biotic abilities (Which she had kept secret for many years) were revealed, prompting immediate recruitment into the N7 Program and a contract for ten years of service. This drove Kai into rock bottom-- while he had nothing, Dan Hyun was steadily on track to uprooting the only thing he had ever felt like he had accomplished.

This is when Cerberus intervened, promising him a home, freedom, belonging, and success.

So of course Kai agreed. Why wouldn't he? He had nothing left in his miserable life and there would never again be a place for him.

Cerberus Intervention:

It's my belief that Kai wasn't necessarily "alienphobic" in the beginning. Instead, I think The Illusive Man saw a very clear opportunity to recruit and nurture a broken man into a pawn of service. TIM is incredibly smart-- everyone who works for Cerberus is. He knew what Kai needed was validation, the promise of success held directly on the tip of his tongue to drive him into tenacity and action.

Organizations like Cerberus, even in real life, prey on people at weak points, fulfill their needs and drape their ideology on top like icing on a cake. That's not to say that Kai is completely innocent-- he ate the sweets and readily threw the world to the side in order to attain more-- but it does give some perspective.

Kai in Cerberus:

In ME2 we know there is some apprehension on Kai's part about the role Shepard will play. He is already starting to feel slighted from failures with Rasa and takes even the possibility of rejection from TIM extremely hard and with violent emotional outburst. This evidences how much TIM has whittled him away over the decade of service. Kai feels as though he owes everything to TIM, that TIM saw something in him-- failing him is disproving that and accepting what Kai has feared all along: that he truly is a worthless and incapable person.

Kai and Shepard:

Kai is best known for his direct antagonism towards Shepard in the events of ME3, directly killing their allies and potential love interests in a way that is extremely personal. Yes, it is part of the job, but at the same time, it's clear Shepard gets under his skin. It's because in the end, after all that setup, Shepard is the one person who can take it all away from him.

They can replace him as TIM's prodigy/ They can bring an end to the organization that gave him everything (From his cybernetic enhancements (uh indoctrination cough couch) ) to his purpose in life. Kai threw it all in with them because he didn't see another choice.

My Canon: The End

So how do things end for Kai in my canon?

As you're aware, you can unalive him, violently. But Dan Hyun is very emotional and due to their shared childhood, I like to believe that there was still a grand feeling of kinship between them, a recognition of the other due to shared insecurities. I don't think there was ever a time Dan Hyun looked at Kai and saw anything other than her slighted friend (which is very romanticized, but SHE is very romanticized), it was just about getting Kai to see that too.

She locked him down the best she could, yelled, cried, and beat the shit out of him, but ultimately, preserved his life. After the crucible had been fired and Thane (alive ofc) attended to, she sought to right things between her and Kai: whatever form that takes. Who knows if he'll ever be able to live comfortably in society again-- but at least here, he has the chance.

Random Tidbits:

Some notes! At his best, I like that Kai is portrayed as Loyal, Hard Working, Methodical, Clever, Tenacious, and Factual. I think sometimes he can be written off unfairly as wimpy or scared, but in truth, he's very sure of his abilities and able to calculate his chances extremely well. He's smarter than fandom gives him credit for.

He has an interesting conflict between arrogance based on title and humbleness. He knows he wants to be the best but he never airs it-- like when Rasa suggests that he wants to be the leader for Humanity but he grows quiet and says to just focus on where things are at right now.

His time as a soldier absolutely affected him in ways I think sharpened him to the killer he became. It instilled values that remained with him in Cerberus, such as when he berates Bates for abandoning his squad and calls him a traitor. Kai doesn't betray-- he's quite literally ride or die.

Also? The ninja sword is super dumb because Kai is Chinese and the swords and Phantom's themselves are designed to appear Japanese in aesthetic. Ninjas= Japanese, but China did have their own sect of Assassins which I believe gave birth to Wu Ching as a type of Martial Arts? Or was drawn from it hmm

To keep to accuracy, Kai would have trained more towards their martial art techniques which focuses on close combat and quick movements, as well as the use of dual blades called butterfly swords (You'd likely recognize them as a set of rogue daggers).

That's all for that meta! Phew. If anyone actually read to the end, hey wassup, hope you enjoyed, and take most of this with a grain of salt since it's my headcanons and background work :) Thank you again for reading!

[brendaaaa]

Please Hurry?! (Billy Hargrove x fem!Reader)

“Oh my god-! Billy, babe are you okay?!” Your eyes widened as your boyfriend climbed through your window, collapsing on the end of your bed. He groaned and lifted a hand to his purpley bruised face, grimacing at the blood on his fingers. “No…?” he didn’t seem sure of his condition, nor very right in the head on this Friday night.

You put your hands on his shoulders, shaking him to make sure he wouldn’t pass out. “Stay awake, Billy. You hear me?” He nodded dazedly. “Good. I’ll be right back.” You made it to your bedroom door, took one glance back at him to make sure you weren’t hallucinating, and walked to your bathroom to get supplies. He was a mess, and would surely need to be cleaned up. You were generally a pretty tough-skinned person, but even this threw you off. You wouldn’t exactly consider you and Billy’s relationship as secret, but it was along the lines of hidden.

Your parents had never met him, although you occasionally dropped his name as a nice boy that you did school projects with. Which was not true of course, Billy didn’t do shit for school, but the idea was that if maybe you eventually were going to introduce him to your parents it would help soften the blow if they had heard his name in a good liking before. You and Billy had been more or less dating for three months. You weren’t going to lie, you liked his bad boy persona, but after spending more time with him, you realized that there were moments when you could see right through it. When he was vulnerable, and seemed like he didn’t want to be the way he was. So that’s why it broke your heart when he came through your window tonight, bloodied and bruised.

It appeared that his bad boy act had gotten him in some trouble. You held up two tubes of medicine to see them better in the light, one labeled neosporin and the other bacitracin. The hell am I supposed to know which to pick? You thought to yourself, and groaned, mentally cursing Billy for getting himself into this mess, and took both tubes with you as you walked back to your bathroom. When you entered your bedroom again, to your relief, Billy was still conscious, and sitting on the stool in front of your mirror. He grimaced as he lightly touched the cut on his forehead, pulling away almost immediately. You smiled sadly, wrapping your arms around him from behind and resting your head on his shoulder. You leaned around and kissed his bruised cheek before setting your supplies down on the end of your bed, except for the washcloth you held in your hand. You gently wiped some of the dried blood off his face, being careful not to graze any areas that were directly wounded. “Mind if I ask what happened?” You said, raising an eyebrow as you worked at cleaning him up. “I got in a fight,” he stated shortly. “No shit,” you put a hand on your hip, stopping your process to look him in the eye. “What I mean is who did this to you? And why?” You wondered, exasperated. “Can you please hurry up?” Billy pleaded, glancing over at your alarm clock, balanced precariously on the edge of your nightstand.

“Why?” you gave him a suspicious look. “You have somewhere to be? Cause I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be going anywhere in the state you’re in.” He put his palms together, like he was praying, and took a deep breath before saying, “Y/n. This is serious. I promise that I’ll tell you about it, but can you please fix me up while I do?”

You huffed, but nodded. “Okay…” “And please hurry,” he added. You nodded again in compliance as you resumed cleaning the blood of his face. “You know, I’m not apart of any gangs or anything-” he started to say, but you cut him off, “You better hope you aren’t, pretty boy! I might just beat your ass myself if I heard of any such thing!” He made eye contact with you in the mirror, clearly annoyed. “Don’t interrupt if you want to know the story.” “Fine. Sorry,” you held your hands up defensively. “As I was saying, I’m not a part of a gang, but what I got involved in tonight was gang violence.” You had to physically bite down on your tongue in order to prevent yourself from cutting in.

“You know Max Shepard and his boys right?” He continued without waiting for your response, “Well I was chumming with one of them. I was just at the old dirt bike grounds, hanging around, I swear to god, y/n, I didn’t know who he was. We were talking about going to his cousin’s place, smoking a joint or two, having a good time, when some other dude jumped us. He beat the crap out of me.”

Billy paused to take a breath, and continued with his story. “He got some good hits,” he gestured to his face, “And then left me alone, and got a few in on my buddy, before I’d had enough and trashed him good. Me and my guy were just going to leave, get the hell out of there. See, I had no idea what was going on here. But then my friend told me he was one of Shepard’s boys, and that the guy who jumped us was one of them Hawkins Tigers, you know, the football jocks.” You nodded, worried about where this was going.

“That’s when I realized that I’d gotten into some gang shit, and that this was going to be harder than I thought to work my way out of. Because, now, more guys were showing up and they were pretty pissed that I’d knocked one of their own out cold. Before my buddy and I knew it, they had us surrounded. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get out of that, because, c’mon, me and my friend vs ten other guys? Stacked odds. But lucky for me, my friend’s pretty good at talking, so he cooked up this plan, this whole car race. It’s in…” he glanced at the arm clock. “Twenty five minutes. All I have to do is show up, and win the race. The Tigers will let me off the hook, and I’ll have nothing on my back.”

“And then what?” You asked, taping the last bit of gauze to cover one of his bigger gashes. “You become one of Max’s gang?”

“No,” he spun around on the stool. “I don’t do any of that gang stuff, and you know it, y/n.”

He kissed your neck gently, the highest place he could reach from where he sat, and you leaned your head on his, hands going to his hair.

“Ok,” you finally said in a whisper. “You should probably go now,” you kissed the top of his head.

“What? You’re actually going to let me go?” He smiled lightly.

You rolled your eyes, “Yes. But please come back here when it’s over. I need to know that you are safe.”

He nodded, getting up and heading towards the window.

“Billy?” He turned around at your voice. You grabbed onto his shoulder, looking him in the eye a moment before you said, “I love you.”

It was the first time you had ever said that to him.

He tucked a string of your hair behind your ear, looking at you as if you were the single most most precious thing in the world, and said, “I know.”

And he left your window.

Word Count: 1286

[theoriginalladya]

And, I mean, if you'd also like to do some hand kisses for Kaidan and Caleb, I wouldn't complain.

from this list

full prompt on AO3 here

Oh, my friend, this one took a bit because the boys decided to set it in the WWII 'verse and I had to think a few things through for that! lol Roughly set mid-late 1942 in Aria's nightclub, the Afterlife in Paris, this follows the events in their story that are the equivalent of Horizon from the game. Thank you so much for the prompt!!! As always, this one got a bit away from me, but you've definitely helped me sort out a few things! :D

~~~~

Shepard collapsed onto the chair without needing to be told, though Kaidan placed his hand on his shoulder to keep him safely upright as he turned back to the others, the subtle message in the touch undeniable; just in case.

“Leave.” The word – a sharp bark of an order – left no room for argument. Not his usual method or manner, but one in which he had to grow over recent months, in no small part thanks to the man seated at the table. Their two escorts glanced at one another then back at Kaidan and departed, closing the door behind them.

For the first time in four months, they were in a room together. Alone.

Kaidan released his hold on Shepard’s shoulder, moving into the room. It took several minutes to locate and collect what he needed, but if there was one thing he could appreciate about Aria’s accommodations, it was that they were prepared for just about anything. A better than average medical kit? In the middle of occupied France? Drink? Fresh food? Bread? Cheese? Two apples and an orange? Shepard had once hinted that Afterlife was a front for the black market, and that was without a war or occupation. But now? After his interactions with Aria, he could well believe it.

Kaidan set both a kettle and a pan of water to boil while he grabbed the medical kit, a towel from the kitchenette sink, the two apples, and a larger, thicker towel from the small bathroom. He also found a pair of shears in a drawer and brought them as well. The larger towel, folded over into a thick pad, he set on top of the table. Carefully, he set Shepard’s arm on it. Taking a seat, he got to work.

Using the shears, he sliced the sleeve of Shepard’s shirt from wrist to shoulder, tearing the loose fabric off at the shoulder seam with a firm, hard yank. From the medical kit he pulled out thread, needles, bandages, and sulfa powder. He would have preferred doing this at a clinic or hospital under sterilized conditions, but beggars could not be choosers, and given their current circumstances, it would have to do.

When the water began to boil, Kaidan retrieved the pan and set it on one of the dishcloths on the table. Into this, he set his pocket knife, blade extended. Once satisfied it was as sterilized as he could get it, he laid it with the rest of his medical supplies and poured the now boiling water from the kettle to make tea. Throughout the wait, neither he nor Shepard spoke, but the silence was not nearly so tense as it could have been. Whether or not that was a good sign he had no idea.

Carrying the tea over to the table, he set both within arm’s reach and took a seat. Then he handed Shepard one of the apples. “Here, bite down on this.”

Shepard stared at the piece of fruit long and hard. “I’m not –”

For the first time since entering Aria’s establishment and being guided to this room, Kaidan met Shepard’s gaze. The look he gave him was not a kind one. “Bite it.”

full prompt on AO3 here

[swordsandshields99]

Chapters: 1/7 Fandom: Mass Effect Trilogy, Mass Effect - All Media Types Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Additional Tags: Friendship, Friendship/Love, Romance, Fluff and Smut @cactuarkitty - thanks! :)  Day 1 - Beach Day (Tried to give it a Citadel DLC vibe) Smut in Italics and sectioned, feel free to skip :)

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“Yo, Shepard, can we talk to you for a second?” Jack’s voice came across the comms. “Sure thing. Did someone break something?” Shepard tried to tease the biotic. “Not yet, but I can’t promise not to break the cheerleader's arm if she doesn’t stop tapping her fingers on the console in a condescending way.”

Shepard sighed and put down the armor she was cleaning. She made her way to the elevator. “Hey Edi, if anyone is actually about to kill each other, let me know.”

“Of course, Shepard. If I were to inform you each time Jack complained about Operative Lawson, I believe you wouldn’t have any free time.”

“True enough,” Shepard chuckled. The AI was really growing on her.

Shepard exited the lift and turned into the mess hall, and was surprised to see her entire ground crew sitting around the long table. She glanced at Garrus, but he gave nothing away, other than popping a mandible out to the side in a sarcastic half-grin. “What’s all this about?”

“Shepard, it seems the crew have been discussing our current course of action,” Miranda started.

“You mean, our current course of non-action?” Shepard cut in.

“Yes,” Miranda said slowly. “Garrus has been adamant that he has tried to persuade you not to return to the Alliance.”

“He has, and as I told him, I’ve made up my mind. It’s something I have to do.”

“You don’t have to do shit,” Jack countered.

“You could go to the Council, Shepard. You’re a spectre, with spectre authority. They’ll be just as displeased as the Alliance, but they can use that authority to ride out the storm. The Alliance is just going to lock you up. Or worse. You don’t deserve that.” By the time Tali finished, she was wringing her hands and bouncing slightly on her feet.

Shepard looked down, “Listen, I appreciate your concern. But if I don’t go and take the fall, the political fall out will be detrimental to the Alliance. I might be a Spectre, but everyone in the galaxy knows where I came from.”

There was a horribly awkward silence in the room.

“I promise, I won’t let it affect any of you. Your names will all stay out of the report, and I will be adamant about the fact that I went there alone.”

“I could give two shits about what other people think. I still think you should take me up on the piracy thing,” Jack said, crossing her arms and nearly pouting. Shepard nearly laughed at the stance. Jack looked back at her. “It’s a nice ship. Stealth drives and all. Perfect opportunity wasted.”

“She’s not wrong,” Kasumi said, appearing out of thin air next to Jack.

“FUCKING SHIT!” Jack said, “God damn it I hate it when you do that.”

Kasumi blew her a kiss as she disappeared.

“Siha, it appears you are not willing to change your mind,” Thane said as calmly as ever.

“I find it admirable,” Samara nodded her head.

“I think falling on your sword to protect the very people who put you in the situation, the same people who expect you to follow orders blindly and not take responsibility for their own actions, isn’t exactly admirable,” Garrus said darkly, still leaning back in his chair.

Shepard knew he was angry. She didn’t blame him. But she kept a cool mask of command on her face. “I’m not changing my mind.”

“Then we would ask for a few days dry-docked. For repairs,” Miranda said slowly.

“Repairs? I thought we were nearly done with repairs. You all have been working around the clock on the Normandy.”

“Yes, well, there’s a few things we could take a look at on the outer hull. It’d be safer on the ground. We thought perhaps, since we’re close, we could stop here.” Miranda pulled out a map and pointed to a spot on the planet below. “We’ve actually been planning this since we left the Bahak System.”

Shepard blew out a small stream of air.

“The crew needs a break, Shep,” Garrus said.

“And time to say goodbye,” Tali added.

“Fine,” Shepard said. “You have anything to add Joker?”

“Not since you ever so reasonably agreed, no. Setting a landing trajectory now. Ready EDI?”

“Ready, Jeff.”

--------------------------------------------------------------

Shepard was sitting at her desk, finishing the last of the reports she had. She’d always hated filling out reports. Now though, she thought she might end up missing even this. She wasn’t sure what the Alliance had planned for her. A trial? Jail time? A harsher sentence? She didn’t think they’d hand her over to the Batarians, but the thought was still there in the back of her mind. When she had mentioned it to Garrus, he said he’d be there breaking her out before she even reached a Batarian system. And she hadn’t argued.

Just as she thought of him, he walked through her cabin doors. “Done with those reports yet?” he drawled.

“This is the last one,” she said as she signed off and sent it. “Done.” She blew out a breath and stretched her arms above her head. She looked over at Garrus, and saw he was carrying a duffle bag, and was dressed in shorts and a Turian style t-shirt. She couldn’t help but chuckle, “I know you’re not on duty, but that’s a little informal. Aren’t you freezing?”

“I am freezing my ass off Shep, but I won’t be for long. Let’s go.”

“Onto the surface?”

“Yeah, where else? I’m not letting you spend your last shore leave in this cabin.”

“Hmmm,” she said suspiciously.

“Here,” he said as he threw the duffle at her. “Put these on.”

Shepard opened the bag and rose her eyebrows at him, “I can’t tell if this is practical, or if you just want me in a bikini.”

Garrus laughed, throwing his head forward and shaking it slightly. “Maybe it’s both?” He took out the sunscreen from her bag. “And don’t forget this.”

“Do you need some too?” she asked as she started spraying it on.

He shook his head. “The sun and radiation would have to be a hell of a lot stronger for me to need something like that. Palaven’s sun throws a lot more than this one.”

She nodded, “All right, all right Mr. Tough Guy, I got it.” She stripped off her civvies and threw on the bikini and sun dress. She put her hair in a braid that came over her shoulder. “All right, let’s do this.” She wouldn’t have planned a vacation. It wouldn’t have felt right. But her crew planning it, or needing it? That was a different story. And she was grateful.

They walked throughout the empty ship towards the cargo bay doors. “Where is everybody?” she asked.

“Already down there,” he said. “I think they were excited.”

Shepard stepped off the ship and was shocked. It was stunningly beautiful. It reminded her of when her parents had taken her to Jamaica once when she was young. “Wow,” she said softly. There was nothing within many kilometers of them. Not a soul in sight other than their ship and crew. “A private beach?”

Kasumi walked up to her with a small cooler, “Take your pick, Shep,” she said with a smile. There were beer and wine coolers. Shepard took one and thanked Kasumi. “The Dextro beers are all over by Tali,” Kasumi said before she skipped away.

"She’s even in a cloak on beach day,” Garrus rumbled, wiggling his brow plates at her.

Shepard laughed and walked towards Tali, “Go get a beer, big guy.”

“SHEEPPHHEEERRDD,” a loud voice boomed from a ways down the beach. Shepard looked down and saw Grunt splashing through the water with a small pistol, shooting at fish. “This is fun, heheh,” he said to himself as he picked up a fish he had somehow managed to shoot.

“Aww,” Zaeed said sarcastically before rolling his eyes. The man was sitting on a lounging chair with 5 beer cans on the sand around him. He laid back, closing his eyes before saying, “Good day Shepard. Good day.”

Joker was sitting next to the man with his eyes shut as well. “If I get a sunburn, I’m blaming you.”

Shepard threw her sunscreen at him. “If you get sunburned, you’ll worry EDI.”

“Har-har,” he said grumpily as he started spraying the sunscreen.

Thane was down the beach further, on the opposite end of Grunt Shepard noticed, showing Samara something that resembled Tai Chi. Actually, Shepard was pretty sure it was Tai Chi. She could still remember all the moves from when she took classes aboard her mother’s starship as a kid. She joined them silently, and allowed herself to meditate peacefully.

Once she’d had enough, she stopped, unsure of how much time had passed. Samara and Thane gave her small smiles as she walked away. She found Garrus was shooting blanks with a sniper rifle into the trees. Suddenly, Shepard saw the shimmer of failed shields and Kasumi’s cloak came down. “Damn!” the thief swore. “How in the hell did you know where I was that time?”

Garrus shrugged, “A gentlemen never tells.”

Tali swooped in from behind and jumped up to grab at his visor. “I’ll give you two guesses,” she said as she inspected it.  

“Hey!” Garrus said, in a more shocked tone than Shepard would have expected. “Give that back,” he said as he pushed down on the Quarians helmet, reaching up so the visor was far out of her reach.

“Alright Garrus, no visor,” Kasumi said as she disappeared.

Garrus held the visor in one hand and aimed with the other. It took 10 seconds before he placed his next shot, and Kasumi’s shields went down again. Kasumi grumbled and switched on her cloak again.

Garrus’ eyes went wide and he hunched over his weapon slightly. Shepard heard him make a small noise of satisfaction before pulling the trigger.

“Oh, you’re good, Archangel,” Kasumi purred as she sauntered up to him. “I can see why you’re into him, Shep,” Kasumi called over to her.

Shepard just waved back with a grin and kept walking down the beach. There was a slight bend and suddenly she could see Mordin by the water, bent over looking at something. As she approached, she realized he was poking around some kind of sea creature with a stick. She stood next to him quietly as he observed it. “At first, wasn’t looking forward to ‘beach day’,” he said with air quotes. “Looked forward to comradery of course, but can get that on ship, or in lab. Surprising results. Thoroughly enjoying discovering new marine wildlife.” She saw his eyes flick back towards the sand. “Perhaps will try hand at fossils and shells next.”

Shepard smiled. As Mordin continued searching the shallow waters, Shepard started searching for shells on the beach. When she found what she thought must be the most beautiful one on the beach, she walked back over to him and handed it out to him.

“Ah!” he exclaimed, turning towards her and taking the shell. “How interesting! Gastropoda, free of inhabitants. Periostracum still slightly spongy, not old. Whorl, apex, aperture all typical. Extremely symmetrical. Red and orange in color, unsure of internal structuring.”

Shepard waited patiently as he continued his analysis until he stopped suddenly. He looked down at her and took a deep breath. “Beautiful. Thank you, Shepard.” He put the shell in one of his lab coat pockets.

She rose a brow, “That’s rather sentimental for you, isn’t it doctor?”

He shook his head, “Sometimes, sentimentality - appropriate. No point to life without the enjoyment of it.”

Shepard smiled at him. “Some friends make that exceedingly easy to do so.”

Mordin seemed genuinely taken aback, but nodded enthusiastically. “Indeed, they do.”

Legion walked up behind them, “Shepard Commander, are you searching for marine wildlife? This unit believes it can be of assistance.”

“Doctor?” Shepard asked.

“Hmmm, could prove useful in cataloging findings. Legion, please assist in cataloging findings of new marine biology.”

“Nice, thanks Legion,” Shepard said with a smile.

The Geth’s brow plates rose and fell quickly, “This unit enjoys being useful.”

Shepard rose her brows at Mordin. Before their adventures, she doubted Legion would have used the word “enjoys” at all. “I’m glad,” she said back before turning around.

She let them continue their search in the waters as she made her way back to the group. She came around the bend, and saw Jack, Jacob, and Miranda teaching Garrus and Tali how to play Volleyball. “Shepard, we need another player!” Jacob yelled out.

“I’m in,” she said as she ditched the sun dress and dug her toes into the sand to run towards them. “I grew up on a ship, but I managed to learn how to play. They know the rules?” she asked, pointing towards Garrus and Tali.

“I think we’ve got it,” Tali said.

They played for nearly an hour before they tired themselves out. “Forgot you had about a ½ a meter in height on us Vakarian,” Jacob grumbled as he and Miranda walked off towards the drinks.

Garrus shrugged with a grin, “What can I say.”

“Want to cool off in the water?” Shepard asked.

Garrus looked out at the ocean apprehensively, “Uhh… yeaaah, I’m not so sure about that.”

“Look, we don’t have to go in too deep. Mordin found a nice quiet spot around the bend a ways, there are hardly any waves at all. Just go in to your waist and get cooled off with me.”

Garrus sighed heavily. “Fine.”

They walked till they were just past Mordin and Legion. “Alright if we swim here?” She asked him.

Mordin came up from his studies. “Of course, Shepard.” Then he rose his brow at Garrus. “Aware of Turian aversion to submersion in waters. Interesting. Found a cove 20 meters that way. Completely shallow and secluded from waves and wildlife. Should be more comfortable.”

Garrus looked at Shepard and she could tell he was about to say no to the whole thing. “Alright, thanks Mordin, c’mon scaredy cat. Let’s go to the cove.”

“Shepard, I have no idea what a scaredy cat is. Is it some kind of pet?”

She laughed and marched forwards.

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The cove was beautiful. There were trees above keeping it mostly in the shade, and the water was calm and shallow. Shepard waded in and it only went up to her chest. “C’mon Garrus, look, it’s not deep. It won’t go up to your cowl, for sure.” He looked at her with a look that said he’d rather jump in a varren pit. “I’ll make it worth your while?”

He rose a brow plate, and dipped his feet in. The water was warm at least, so he continued until he stood next to Shepard. She took a step into him so that they were touching and wrapped her arms around him. “Alright, it’s not so bad,” he said reluctantly.

She gazed at him with a look that could melt metal, and took a deep breath in, before slowly sinking below the water. “Shepard,” he said nervously, although he knew she couldn’t hear him.

Shepard held onto his hips to stay below the water with one hand, and started moving his shorts aside with the other. Garrus’ breath hitched. He couldn’t help the rush that went straight to his groin, and he also couldn’t help but still feel nervous in the water. Shepard pushed him back and he took a few steps backwards until his legs hit something when they were nearing the edge. A rock. She pushed him again and he stumbled awkwardly, sitting on the rock. She came up for air and kissed his mandible, sucking on the tips. Garrus groaned, digging his talons into her waist. She submerged again, and he held his breath, partially out of anticipation of what she might do next and partially out of nerves for her being under the water. He knew humans were better with that, but it was ingrained.

He suddenly felt a small tongue lick up the seams of his pelvic plates and he groaned again, digging his talons through her hair. He felt small fingers dig between the plates in his waist. She came up for air again, straddling his lap to kiss him. She ground her hips against his. She was weightless, floating above him, ghosting over his plates, until she pushed herself down into him and began grinding harder into him. “Shepard,” he growled as he nipped at her neck. She suddenly went back under water and nipped at his pubic plate quickly, and licked all the way up and down his seam slowly. He felt his seam part as he groaned loudly, bucking his hips into her as his erection began to grow, emerging from his seam. He felt her lick at it until it came all the way through, and she sucked his cock into her mouth as it grew.

“Fuck,” he said as he threw his head back and bucked his hips. She sucked hard, head bobbing up and down twice before she had to come up for air. She was panting hard and she straddled his lap again, slowly lowering herself onto him, until  his tip was hilted within her.

Shepard moaned loudly and rocked back and forth slightly with her hips. He felt her muscles contract around him a few times and he groaned. Shepard grinned at him before lifting up and moving back down. He could tell it was harder for her in the water, and he placed his hands on her hips and began lifting her up, and slamming her down onto him. It didn’t take long before they were both panting, and it just wasn’t enough. He put her legs around his waist and stood, walking to the back of the cove, he pressed her back against the stony wall and pushed himself into her with a grunt. Shepard squeezed her legs around his waist, one arm holding on around his back, the other wrapped around his neck with her hand massaging under his fringe.

She was so tight, and he hadn’t yet been fully inside her. He took his finger and massaged the nub he knew drove her wild. Shepard began moaning loudly. “God, yes Garrus, fuck,” she groaned. Slowly, with each thrust he pushed further and further inside of her until even the bulge of his base slipped inside of her with a pop. Shepard screamed at that and held on tighter. “Don’t stop,” she screamed, and he didn’t, couldn’t really. He felt her come hard, her walls squeezing him. “Garrus,” she panted. Garrus couldn’t speak, he was too far gone. He merely groaned against her neck as he continued pounding into her, faster and harder.

“Come inside me, Garrus,” she moaned, and he lost control. He came hard with a roar, continuing to pump inside her in erratic thrusts. His body completely enveloped hers against the stone. She was so small, wrapped up in his arms, and he curled around her, willing himself to stay standing. He felt her kiss his mandible lightly. “God, you’re sexy.”

He chuckled, kissing her forehead, “So are you.”

Shepard slipped down and swam in the water to cool off before they headed back. Garrus sat back on the rock and watched, enjoying the view and surprisingly, the cool water around his waist.

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Shepard and Garrus walked back along the beach, hands brushing often. The sun was setting, and it was creating a beautiful glow around them. The whole team was sitting, watching the sunset when the pair joined them.

The group was quiet, reflective. Even Grunt, to Shepard’s surprise. He was growing up, after all. Shepard leaned against Garrus’ shoulder, and they sat there until the sun dipped below the horizon.

“Alright you bunch of pussys,” Zaeed said, elegantly as ever. “Round two.” He started throwing beer bottles at everyone.

“That’s more like it,” Jack huffed.

“Bonfire’s made!” Jacob said as he got the largest bonfire Shepard had ever seen lit using driftwood from the beach.

The team drank under the numerous stars. There were drinking games and songs, friendly wagers and shoot-the-bottle competitions. It was 3 in the morning before they packed up and headed inside. Shepard held Garrus’ hand to pull him back behind the crew and gave him one last kiss under the stars.

[aricazorel]

Day 14 "Rain"

Kaidan Alenko, Kori Reese

post-ME1

“It’s raining, Kaidan,” Kora Reese said as she stood on the porch of Kaidan’s cabin in the mountains just north of Vancouver.

“It does that here, Kori,” he quipped with a smirk.

She turned to glare at him as he leaned against the support pole with his arms crossed. “No shit.”

He shrugged. “You’ve been here enough you know it does it. I don’t know why you complain every time it rains.”

“Because I thought we were going to practice some of those biotic martial arts moves you brag about, but I don’t want to do it in the rain.”

“I don’t brag,” he corrected as he moved to stand beside her. “I just state the facts.”

Reese rolled her eyes as she shook her head. He had returned earlier that week from his assignment to Grissom Academy as an advisor to the biotics department. With that now completed, he and Reese had arranged to share a week of shore leave together. After that, he would receive new orders and she would go back to working with an interspecies research project.

“You don’t go out of your way to not mention it either,” she pointed out as she held a hand out to catch a few drops. “I wish it would stop soon.”

“You have an omnitool,” Alenko noted in amusement. “You could look up when it’s predicted to stop.”

“You enjoy seeing me agitated, don’t you?”

“I haven’t gotten to mess with you in person in a couple months,” he replied as he glanced up at the grey sky. “At least it’s not cold.”

“For once,” she muttered.

“You know this is Canada, right? And it’s cold here,” he teased as he took a step off the porch.

“Kaidan, what are you doing? You’re gonna get wet.”

“Rain does that.”

“Alenko, what—”

She trailed off as he extended a hand towards her. He gave her a smile. “Come on. It’s not that bad…Besides you can be silly just this once.”

“Be silly? Are you crazy? You could catch cold.”

“I’m a trained field medic. I think I got this,” he chided as he took a step back towards her. “Please, Kori?”

The infamous Alenko puppy eyes made their appearance as he kept his hand extended towards her. She had never been able to resist that expression. Never. And he knew it. She exhaled dramatically as she took his hand. “Fiiiiinnnneeee.”

The L2’s expression morphed into a broad grin as he tugged her gently off the porch into his arms. Without warning he began twirling her around to non-existent music. The drizzle continued to come down as it soaked her hair and clothes.

“Kaidan, what are you doing?”

“Dancing.”

“There’s no music.”

“If you listen there is.”

“We are in the middle of nowhere dancing in the rain.”

“Exactly. No one can see you be silly with me, and you can let lose.”

“Why do I need to let lose?”

“Because you keep everything bottled up. You focus too much on the assignment. Even on shore leave you are thinking of what’s the next thing you need to do. Just enjoy the moment for once.”

“I—I can’t. I have to make sure we are prepared for what happens if Shepard was right.”

Kaidan slowed his movements as he looked into her grey eyes. Tucking a piece of hair behind her ear that had been plastered to her cheek, he murmured, “The bad guys still win if we forget what we are fighting for.”

“Kaidan,” she whispered as water droplets slid down their faces.

“Remember what we are fighting for. Remember what Shepard was fighting for,” Alenko reminded her. “Otherwise, why fight? Why do what we’ve been doing? We have to give it all meaning. We made it this far. We can’t forget the small things because if we do, the big things have no meaning.”

She gave him a small grin, glad to see her was no longer lost as he had been during the weeks after the Normandy went down. “How did you become so wise?”

“A life full of trials and having a few friends that help make sure you’re on the right path,” he replied. He grinned mischievously as he added, “And a best friend who threatens to kick my ass if I stray off it.”

Alenko paused their dance, hoping to make sure she was taking his words seriously. “Thank you for always looking after me, Kaidan. You didn’t have to.”

“And you didn’t have to let me get to know you, but you did,” he noted as he began their dance again. “I think it worked out pretty well for both of us.”

“Mutually beneficial?” She asked with a grin.

“Exactly,” he agreed as he twirled her in front of him.

She grinned and then asked, “Have you ever danced in the rain with anyone before?”

Kaidan shook his head. “Nope. You’re the only one.”

“Oh,” she replied quietly.

“You don’t mind my silly side even when my jokes are horrible.”

“But those are the best kind sometimes,” she insisted.

“I’m glad someone appreciates my sense of humor,” he murmured.

“I’ve always appreciated you, Kaidan,” she admitted as they continued their dance in the rain to music only they could hear.

Kaidan gave her a shy grin as he held her close while the rain continued to fall around them. Maybe dancing in the rain with his best friend was silly but, in that moment, it meant everything to the L2 and he knew it would be a moment he would never forget. And in the end, he didn’t want to. Ever.

[bluerose5]

Guilty as Charged

[You can also read it here on AO3.]

Word Count: 1,210

"I don't get it."

Thane glanced over at Shepard out of the corner of his eye.

"Get what?" Thane asked, hesitantly poking at the mystery slop that Mess Sergeant Gardner had thrown together for the crew.

It had taken a lot of persuasion on John's part, but he had eventually convinced Thane to emerge from Life Support long enough to share a meal in the Mess. They had already touched on a number of topics. Future missions, past achievements, current struggles. Stuff like that kept them talking for a while, but the lapse in conversation was inevitable.

Surprisingly, the silence between them turned out to be more comfortable than awkward. Side by side, their legs would bump against each other underneath the table. Oftentimes, when they would reach out for something like a napkin or some silverware, their fingers or arms would brush. Skin against scales like a gentle caress.

Despite how his heart raced at every touch, Thane tried to maintain his composure. Abandoning his food, Thane gently pushed his plate away, opting to take his cup of tea in hand instead. He cradled it, careful of the heat as he lifted the drink to his lips.

Once he took a sip, he spared another glance in Shepard’s direction, curious as to why he hadn't replied yet.

The answer to that wasn't quite what Thane expected.

Shepard hadn't replied because he was too busy staring at Thane’s lips instead. The attention made Thane's body warm. His scales started to take on a thin, glossy sheen of venom, causing them to become more vibrant and iridescent. In the light, they downright glistened.

Of course, as soon as Shep realized he had been caught, he cleared his throat and averted his gaze.

"Just, you know—" John trailed off with a shrug. "I don't get why people call you a 'bad boy.'"

"Oh?" Thane regarded him questioningly, head cocked to the side. "I would ask who called me such a thing, but I don't need to. Let me guess. Kelly?"

"Kelly," John agreed.

"Hmm..." Thane thought it over, then shrugged. "Maybe she thinks that because I've killed people for a living."

"Thane," John huffed. "Let's be honest here. I kill people for a living, but when I do it, people either call me a war hero, a war criminal, or a terrorist. Nothing in between."

Well, he couldn’t really argue with that.

"I just don't understand why people label you a 'bad boy' when you're anything but." John continued with a shrug. "I mean, your whole philosophy is about making the galaxy better. What's so bad about that?"

Thane chuckled, setting his tea aside in order to give John his full attention.

"Does it really bother you that much?"

"Nah," John said, "I was only curious more than anything."

"Fair enough."

Then, Thane recalled how John was staring at him a moment ago, full of desire and longing. It made Thane feel wanted in a way he had thought he was done with. It felt almost selfish to pursue him, but Thane knew that was ridiculous.

Kepral's Syndrome didn't magically stop him from living his life, despite his most recent actions suggesting otherwise. His emotions didn't automatically stop developing. John was aware of his condition. He could decide for himself what that would mean regarding whatever this was between them.

Besides, Thane wanted to do something bold for a change. He wanted to make the move.

Reaching out, he placed his hand on top of Shepard’s. John tensed slightly at first, only to relax when Thane gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

"Too much?" Thane asked.

John instantly shook his head. Turning his hand over, he laced their fingers together.

"Not enough," he countered, sounding somewhat breathless, even to Thane.

It only bolstered his confidence.

Leaning in closer, Thane lowered his voice, fixated on the man before him.

"If you'd like," he said, his voice reverberating with emotion, "I could give you a private demonstration."

He slipped his hand free and grabbed his dishes. Shepard followed his lead as they trashed their scraps and placed everything in the dishwasher to be cleaned, shuffling over to the side of the Mess. They attracted a few stares, but nothing too concerning.

John furrowed his brow at Thane and asked, "A demonstration on...?"

As he trailed off in confusion, Thane smirked. He closed the distance between them, hands upon John's hips as he pointedly met his gaze and then eyed his lips.

Shifting closer, Thane heard the slightest catch in John's breath, their lips only about an inch apart.

But the kiss wasn't going to come. Not yet, anyways.

Thane took a deep breath, delighting in how elated he felt just from their proximity alone.

"Only on what we've been talking about for the past several minutes," Thane answered. "Give me some time, and I'll show you how bad I can really be."

John’s eyes widened, pupils blown, but he didn’t back down from the challenge.

“Is that a threat or a promise?”

“Maybe it’s a little bit of both.” Easing the edge of his shirt up along his sides, Thane’s fingers skirted along the sliver of exposed skin right above the waistband of his pants. John shivered but stayed in place. “It wouldn’t be any fun if I told you, though, would it?”

“No,” John breathed. “I guess not. I mean, there has to be some anticipation, right?”

“Right.” Reluctantly, Thane started to pull away, but John didn’t let him get far before he was closing the distance between them again. “Now, if you’ll excuse me—”

“What?” John pouted. “You’re leaving already?”

“Blame yourself,” Thane told him. “I’m doing that thing that you mentioned the other day about spending more time with the crew. Garrus and I talked shop some. Now, he insists on joining me in Life Support to ‘fix’ the specs and modifications on my rifle.”

“And you’re letting him?” John asked, both incredulous and amused.

“Sure, why not?” Thane rested his hand on Shepard’s arm, stroking his thumb over the rough skin. “If he starts to do anything too outlandish, then I’ll put him in his place, simple as that. Besides, have you seen how... intense he gets while he works? Very focused. Real good with his hands, too.”

“Ah, so the truth finally comes out.” John tsked at him, feigning disappointment. His arm flexed the slightest bit as Thane started to trace his fingers along the outline of his muscles, mesmerized by the strength hidden beneath the surface. “You’re insatiable.”

Thane didn’t know whether John was making the reference in relation to himself or Garrus, not that it mattered much.

“Guilty as charged.” Thane didn’t even bother trying to hide it. There was no point to. “Although, I’m certain that similar could be said about your feelings towards our resident turian.”

“No comment.”

“Of course not,” Thane said. Eventually, he took Shepard’s hand in his own. “Regardless, you’re more than welcome to join us, you know.”

“Three’s not too big of a crowd?”

“Nope. If anything, we can always make room for one more.” Together, they walked out of the Mess hand-in-hand, ignoring the eyes that followed them. “Just try to keep up.”

Shepard chuckled.

“I’ll do my best.”

[inkberrry]

Dim the Lights and Shut Your Eyes

A little Mass Effect fic, featuring Rosie Shepard and Kaidan Alenko. Read below or on ao3 @ inkberrry

Summary: Rosie Shepard is just finishing up in the medbay when Kaidan walks in. Instead of leaving him on his own, she stays with him through the worst of his migraine.

-

Rosie winced as she pulled the bandage from her arm. The tacky medical glue stuck to her skin, tugging at her hair and ripping out as much as it left behind. Beneath the layer of dried blood and quickly applied disinfectant her arm was raw and inflamed, angry where it had been torn open and nearly shredded.

Her barriers protected from the worst of a spray of bullets, but they didn’t hold up against the razor  edged claws of the racchni. The creatures had sliced through her light armor like silk, finding their mark beneath. The pain had been blinding, and the warm spread of blood alarming in the chilled halls of the Noveria institute.

Now, safely back on the Normandy, Rosie had time to care for her wound properly. She twisted the cap from a tube of medigel and applied a liberal amount to her arm, mindful of the still tender and jagged incision. Relief was instant and welcome, and she sighed at the sudden release from pain. The wound would take time to heal, but the medication within the gel would speed along the recovery and lessen any discomfort.

Rosie took a moment to re-wrap her arm, this time with soft, cloth bandages unlikely to stick. Deeming her work done, she replaced the spare gel and bandages to their proper places. While doing so the soft mechanical whoosh of the medbay door opening caught her attention, and she turned to the sound.

“Commander.” Kaidan hesitated at the open door, changed from his tactical gear to something more comfortable, just as Rosie had done. He gave her a slight nod, though his expression read surprise. “I’m not interrupting, am I?”

“Oh no, of course not.” Rosie smiled in welcome, then leaned back against the supply cabinet. “Come on in.”

Kaidan stepped forward, the door quietly shutting behind him. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, his eyes scanning the otherwise empty medbay before settling again on Rosie.

“How’s the arm?” He asked, mimicking where her wound was by touching his own arm.

“Better now,” Rosie answered, and waved her arm slightly before letting it hang comfortable at her side. She pursed her lips together as she looked back at Kaidan, thoughtful. She was almost certain she was the only one who had suffered an injury on Noveria, yet here he was in the medbay.

“Did you need something in here?” She asked. “You’re not hurt, are you?”

A brief wave of discomfort marred Kaidan’s face, but was wiped away when he shook his head.

“Thankfully, no. I was just, ah… looking for some pain killers.”

Rosie’s posture softened, and she breathed out a knowing sigh.  

“Headache?”

The discomfort was back as Kaiden nodded, and Rosie noticed the quick tightening of his hand into a fist before releasing. He hid the pain well, but not quite well enough to escape her practiced view.

“Yeah,” he replied, and managed a strained chuckle. “My implant seemed to like the cold about as much as Garrus did.”

Frowning, Rosie pushed herself from the cabinet and pointed to one of the empty beds lining the far wall.

“Okay Lieutenant,” she started, her voice taking on just a hint of the authority she used in the field. “Lay down and let me get what you need.”

Kaidan chucked again, this time more earnestly. “Is that an order, Commander?”

“You bet it is. Go on, lay down.”

Rosie stood and waited while Kaidan did as she asked. He settled onto the bed, head propped on the pillows and legs pulled up to rest. She had worked with the lieutenant for some time now, and as of yet he’d never shown any hesitation against her orders. He didn’t seem apt to start now, though despite what she’d said this was far from a command.

“Shouldn’t Doctor Chakawas be doing this, not the first human Spectre?” Kaidan asked just as Rosie turned back to the cabinet doors and opened them.

Cocking her head over her shoulder, Rosie fixed Kaidan with a playful grin. “She’s off duty. Why, are you afraid I don’t know what I’m doing?”

Kaidan opened his mouth to reply, but closed it again without answering. Rosie could sense uncertainty, like he was caught between teasing her back and remaining professional. To save him from any further anxiety she waved away the thought and turned back to the cabinet.

“Relax, Kaidan,” she called over her shoulder. “I’ve tended to a lot of wounded before. I grew up on Alliance ships, remember?”

Rosie knew well enough how to care for most minor injuries, and how to find the right medications if they were simple enough. She rummaged carefully through the shelves in the cabinet, pushing aside antibiotics and more specialized pills. When she found what she wanted she smiled to herself and poured two tablets into her palm.

Closing the cabinet for a second time, she headed to the sink and filled a nearby cup with water before walking to the bed Kaidan rested on. She held out her hand with the pills and set the water on the beside table.

“Take these, drink this whole glass, and close your eyes,” she said, satisfied only when Kaidan reached for the pills and took them from her hand.

“Yes, ma’am,” he said, and popped the medicine into his mouth.

While he worked on the water, Rosie walked to the room control panel on the wall and dimmed the lights until only a faint, cool glow emitted from the various machines spread about. The constant electronic hum of the overhead lights faded out entirely, leaving the two of them in soft silence and long shadows.

After her eyes adjusted, she made her way back to the bed. With a small hop she perched herself on the edge of the mattress next to Kaidan, his body close enough for her to feel the comfortable heat coming off of it.

“Better?” she asked, her voice quiet out of habit in the low light.

Kaidan nodded, his eyes now closed. Rosie took the opportunity to watch the lines of pain on his face smooth over, replaced by soft relaxation. His chest, broad beneath the loose tee shirt he wore, rose and fell steady, evening out as he lay still. In the quiet Rosie could hear the intake of his breath and the long exhales, slowly turning into a lullaby she herself felt the pull of.

He was a handsome man, she realized, not for the first time. This time, though, he wasn’t fighting for his life or wrestling with the stress of their missions. He was simply existing, safe and calm in the dim room. Rosie’s heart tugged in her chest while she sat by his side, a sensation that surprised her as much as it thrilled her.

“Do you take care of all your crew this well?” Kaidan’s bemused voice roused Rosie from her daydreams, his lips moving slowly and deliberately with his words.

“Only those that need it,” she laughed, keeping to herself that at that moment she would have done anything to make sure Kaidan was comfortable and at peace.

Kaidan’s lips curved to a slight smile at her response, then set again into comfort. The room was still for a while, Rosie content to let Kaidan rest and recover. Her thoughts wandered, traveling back in her memory to times spent much like this, except her role reversed.

“I used to get headaches, too,” she confessed softly. “When I first got my implant. My parents would send me to the medbay and this is what the officer there would do. They stopped after a few months though.”

Rosie frowned again, this time at the memory of the pain her biotic implant had caused. She couldn’t imagine a life where that same pain returned time and again.

“Lucky,” Kaidan said, and there was no contempt or jealousy in his voice. “Were you young when you got yours?”

“Eleven.” Rosie felt herself smiling in spite of the somber topic, her thoughts turning cheerful again. “My parents figured it was time when I used to my bionics to keep flinging stuffed animals across the room at my brothers.”

Kaidan’s chest rose sharply when he laughed, the deep rumbling replacing the silence of the room.

“Heh. Sure is hard to imagine you doing that.”

“Oh? Just you wait then, I've got a stuffed hanar in my cabin. You better watch your back.”

Still laughing, Kaidan opened one eye and glanced sidelong at Rosie. “I'll do my best, Commander.”

The use of her title caught Rosie off guard. Right now she didn’t feel like the Commander, and she didn’t want to, either. She wanted just to be Rosie, and for the man laying on the bed next to her to be nothing but just who he was.

“You can drop the titles when it’s just us,” she said, and playfully nudged Kaidan’s shoulder. “Especially when we’re alone in the dark.”

Color rose along Kaidan’s cheeks, partially hidden by the growing stubble.

“Uh, right. I’ll keep that in mind.”  

Quiet filled the room again, and Rosie watched the faint blush fade from Kaidan’s face as he once again relaxed. Soon her responsibilities would come searching for her, and she admitted to herself she had spent enough time here at Kaidan’s side.

 She was about to get up when his voice rang out again, stopping her.

 “Rosie?”

  “Mhm?”

  “Thanks,” Kaidan said, and when Rosie looked down at him his eyes were open and fixed on her. Heat built in her cheeks, too, and she quickly fluttered her eyes to her hands before meeting Kaidan’s gaze again. “Means a lot to me that you took the time to sit here.”

Rosie smiled, the heat from her cheeks traveling through her to warm her chest. “Anytime, Kaidan. You know where to find me if you ever need anything.”

With that she slipped off the bed, her feet planting on the solid tiled floor. Without thought she reached towards Kaidan and brushed back a section of dark hair, smoothing it towards his neck. His head relaxed further into the downy pillow, and he again shut his eyes.

“Now get some real rest,” Rosie said, and finally stepped away from the bed. “I need you one hundred percent when we get to Virmire.”

Kaidan’s only answer was a returning smile, and Rosie left the medbay to the sound of Kaidan’s gentle sighing behind her.

[princesspiratecat]

The Rise and Fall of the Shepard Family Finale Part 1:  Fall 1085 

Part 1& Part 2

Part 3 & Part 4

Part 5 & Part 6 & Part 7

Part 8 & Part 9 & Part 10

Part 11 & Part 12 & Part 13

Part 14 & Part 15 & Part 16

Part 17 & Part 18 & Part 19

Part 20 & Part 21 & Part 22

Part 23 & Part 24 & Part 25

Part 26 & Part 27 & Part 28 

Part 29 

It was a difficult year for the Allard siblings, bittersweet and disappointing. Although Frances had inherited the estate, he learned there was very little else left to keep it running, and even that money would soon run out. His brothers had been left only paltry sums in which to begin their own lives, and his sister Francine had only a small dowry settled upon her- far less than what Frédérique had gotten.

Marcelle had left absolutely nothing for Edyth, or his child with Edyth, Agnes. He had only bothered to write out instructions that she was to be educated alongside her half-siblings. Frances had been shocked at his carelessness and knew that he would need to settle something upon her at some point. Luckily, she was still quite young, so he had time to save.

Marcelle had invested far too much and had bought up additional lands without telling anyone of it, or even what he had planned to do with so much land. In fact, they now owned a vast swath of land outside of Grimsby, all the way up the coast and inland too. There was even a large, stately house about a mile away that had been left unfinished, in addition to the infamous hovel that Gwendolyn had lived in.

She had been painfully right about the hovel, it had been meant for her and her sisters.

Shameful. 

Their own home itself had been neglected for quite a few years now, and some of the outer buildings were in a sad state of disrepair. Frances had had an idea that his father had been lax about everything, but he hadn’t known it was as bad as all this. 

He immediately began to feel the burden of running an estate, and at times it overwhelmed him. He was ashamed that his wife often found him in moments of despair, as he had not wanted to show his weakness and inexperience to anyone. He was not the man his father was, and he blamed himself for that, without exploring why that might be. He felt incredibly guilty that he had been given so much, and his siblings so little.

At night, he came to his bride in their bed the first chance he got. Sometimes he said nothing and simply began caressing her body and undressing her. He let her know by the way he kissed her exactly what he needed from her without using words. She almost always obliged him, and he knew that she often expected he would come to her.

The longing to feel her arms around him, to be inside of her, and to connect with her on a tangible level simply overpowered him most days. He made a point of causing her to cry out in pleasure each night. He wanted to feel something else besides his own grief and emptiness for even just a moment. She reminded him that he was still alive and made him forget it all, until a new day dawned.

Other nights he simply laid down, wrapped his arms around her and was still. She stroked his head and held his hands in hers. The effort of speaking was needless. She knew what he wanted, as it had been just the same with her all those years ago. Only now, their roles were reversed, and she was the one to console him. 

But tonight, he wanted to talk. He needed to confess.  

“I am a weak man, Gwendolyn. I’m afraid you have married a very weak, inept man.”

“You are not a weak man. You simply have not allowed yourself the time needed to heal your own heart. Give yourself the freedom to grieve without placing too much burden upon yourself.”

“But I cannot leave it all unattended. My father has done that for too long.”

“I will run the estate as your mother taught me. She taught me far better than your father taught you. If you are not up to the tasks that come with maintaining a large estate, he is to blame for not preparing you. It is my home now just as much as it is yours. I will carry the burden for you until you are ready to do so yourself.” 

As soon as she said it, he knew she spoke the truth and he felt a huge sense of easement. She was perfectly skilled and capable of doing everything that needed to be done, and now she was Mistress. It was time for him to step aside and let her take control as she was meant to. 

“You must look after your family now,” she said gently. “They need you, just as much as you need me.”

She was right in that as well. His younger siblings had been neglected by their father and alienated by Edyth. They were often alone and had been made to feel like strangers in their own home. So he started to remedy that by arranging for them all to visit their sister at Barton, where they would take a much needed fishing trip together. He would try to be the big brother they needed him to be- especially Fabien.

                               * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

The first thing Gwendolyn did after they left was to clean house, both literally and figurately, and Edyth would be the first to feel the change. 

She used what little money they had to hire workers from the Boarding House to finish the smaller house, which she named Cherry Hill. Then she banished Edith and Agnes to it. It had been a rather ugly shouting match because Edyth insisted she had a right to live at the main house, but Gwendolyn was having none of it. 

“If you wanted to stay you should not have made everyone here your enemy. This is my house now, and you will leave. Go!”

Had she been privy to the role Edyth had had to play in her own exile, or that Agnes was not Marcelle’s child, things would not have turned out the way they did. But for the sake of Agnes, Gwendolyn tread as lightly as she could while still asserting her authority. They would be very comfortable at Cherry Hill, far more comfortable than Edyth deserved to be.

After they were gone there was still much to be done, and part of a thorough  cleaning meant organizing and going through all of the belongings of Marcelle’s in the Lord’s bedroom. She wanted things in order, as it would now be their bedroom, and she hated the memory she had of it when she had last seen him alive.

After a few days Gwendolyn had nearly everything in order, but there was one large wooden box that had been hidden away under the bed a servant had found while cleaning. It looked vaguely mysterious, and she had hoped that it would contain a large stash of jewelry or treasure. 

No such luck. Inside, there were multiple letters dated from the year 1063, just a few years before the bastard King William had invaded England. It was written on very expensive parchment paper in Latin. Gwendolyn had never seen such paper. In fact, paper was a rarity outside of the church. Her father could not read and even if he could, paper had been way beyond his means. 

Gwendolyn had been taught Latin by Aélgarda, but still struggled with it. As far as she could tell, it had something to do with...time...a journey.... and love? Perhaps brushing up on her Latin was in order when she had some time to herself. Frances would be back in a matter of days, and he was excellent with Latin and would be able to translate the letters quickly. 

Until then, she turned her eye to more domestic matters, and arranged for the purchase of additional horses for breeding. Horses were an expensive luxury in these parts because they had to be shipped from afar to the River Trader. Gwendolyn had an idea of breeding horses and selling them, which would fetch a nice price in the long term. She also purchased additional fruit trees and began work on having the pasture enlarged. The more improvements she could make, the more income the estate would bring in come harvest time. 

As soon as Frances got back she gave him the letters and had him translate them. The first one was written as such: 

My Dearest Love, 

I was so happy to see you again at our feast last night. These stolen moments we have together are so precious to me, you cannot know how much I look forward to them. I know you are going away on the morrow, and I pray that you will come back to me safely. I hope my love and this letter will warm you from afar. With all my Love, Aélgarda

At first, they both assumed that the letters had been written to Marcelle, and Gwendolyn thought about the softer, sentimental side of him. He must have really loved his wife, despite all the things he had recently said about her. But as Frances read the other letters, they realized they were not to Marcelle at all, but to a young solider that had served Aélgarda’s father dutifully. The more he read, the more they pieced together that he was a young and handsome Welshman, and eventually came to the conclusion that his name had been... Llywelyn. 

 To Be Continued in Part 2! 

[captain-aralias]

Life stuff

this feels kind of weird, because i’ve never used my tumblr like this, but i would have written something on my livejournal, and i want people to know - i just dont want to have to tell people about it, or really talk about it at all. 

but i also wanted to write this, idk. 

(TW: impending death of a parent)

my mum has cancer. 

it’s a rare form of cancer, called peritoneal cancer, which is similar to but different from ovarian cancer - i think it mostly gets diagnosed (like my mum’s) when it’s too late to do anything about it. all the treatment has been palliative only i.e. letting her live as long and as comfortably as possible.

she was diagnosed in september last year - about a year ago, a few months after running the ‘virtual’ london marathon on the isle of wight, where she lives, and obviously deep in lockdown. 

as someone undergoing chemo, she was deemed extremely vulnerable to covid, and so she spent most of the early pandemic isolating. she also said she didn’t see any point in my brother and i visitng her, particularly given the risks, because we could talk via facetime - which is fair enough - all of which meant my brother and i didn’t go to visit her until May this year, after she’d done the first lot of chemo and was already doing much better again. 

a few months after that, we found out that while she’d responded really well to the chemo, her cancer wasn’t responding at all to the maintenance drugs that were suposed to stop it coming back, so she came off the drugs completely. medical advice was basically chemo is as effective whenever you do it, so you might as well enjoy your life for a while, we’ll monitor it every month, and when things start to get too bad, we’ll put you back in chemo. 

it’s friday tomorrow - so two fridays ago, i saw my mum in london after she’d just seen hamilton with her partner, graham. both of them loved hamilton. her hair had grown back, she seemed pretty normal. about a week later, she was in A&E - and she’s been in the hospital all week. she’s got a total bowel obstruction, which means she can’t eat and hasn’t eaten since last week.

now in a weird situation where there are a few tricky, difficult options (including being moved off the island back onto the mainland to a bigger hospital) that will mean that she stays alive long enough to get the chemo, which will probably get her back to hamilton-watching strength, or ... she could die really soon. like, in a few days. 

we can’t visit. her partner can’t visit because covid - there’s this really sad-making photo of him looking happy on the phone through a window to my mum, also on the phone, inside the hospital. 

i feel...

???? :( :( :( ....

i guess this is the main point of the post. i’m not writing this crying, i’m writing it pretty neutrally - because my brain isn’t really processing it right now, and mostly doesn’t process it. 

i did cry earlier today while on the phone to various people, and then i went back to work. i hate crying, i hate being sad, and i dont like people comforting me, because it makes me realise that i have something to be sad about. 

i’ve known she had cancer for a year. i haven’t been able to hang out with her most of that time. i would say, we are fairly close, although not nearly as close as some families. we don’t talk every week, but we talk regularly, and have seen each other regularly. 

i’m so incredibly privileged that nothing that bad has ever happened to me, even though i’m 35. i’ve never been to a funeral, which seemed like a major life win and now i think was a mistake, i should have gone to funerals for people i card about less to help get used to it. 

the literal only comparison i have to how i feel is when my cat Anton died suddenly  about 3 years ago - i handled it with a mix of not thinking about it, being intensely sad for as brief a period as i could, and probably by thinking about how sad my girlfriend was about it, and sort of sidestepping my own feelings in comparison. 

i remember when my last remaining grandparent died - and i was about 14 or something - i wasn’t sad for myself, i was only sad for her my dad being sad. for ages, i worried that i was not going to be sad enough about this - and i still sort of am. 

but i also passionately hate the idea of being sad and i know i’ll look to avoid it as much as possible, and try and get on with my life. 

i know my mum dying isn’t about me - when people write after death it’s about the person who died, obviously. that makes sense. but this post isn’t about my mum, who is a very cool person, much cooler than me - it’s about me. because i am self-obsessed and this is going to wreck my life for a while.

it’s weird, because i can see it on the horizon but it’s not happening yet. and i dont know whether that’s good or bad - i feel like it’s good, in a way. someone ages ago told me that the grieving period starts when you get the news. that seems very true to me - but also, i know that it’s going to ramp up, and so i’m like in the expectation of true grief right now. 

it’s sort of like she died, but also is still going to die, but also i can magically still talk to her. which is really nice, in a way, it’s like a second chance, because i know i didn’t reach out enough before she had cancer. and i’m aware enough of my own actions that i know this is what’s been going on in my head the past year - i should reach out more, because she has cancer, but i dont want to make it seem like i’m reaching out because she has cancer, even though she knows i know she has cancer....... and also, i’m busy writing this fic. /o\

the fact that she seemed to recover (even though my mum insisted on saying ‘i am not recovered, i’m going to die soon’ like several time as a day as a disclaimer) also totally messed with my head, because i knew logically - ok, it’s happening. but also, things seemed so normal when we speak. even when i called her today, and she hasn’t eaten for a week, it seemed normal. 

btw - i realised this week i had no idea how cancer killed people. my mum is a scientist and has looked up all kinds of things about what’s killing her; i’m clearly a simon snow and didn’t want to think about things i can’t help. if you’d asked me, i’d have said like... it poisons you or something, or blocks bloodflow to your brain. not what i think will actually do it which is.... starvation. or being too weak to survive being pumped full of the poison that is intended to kill the cancer. (that one i guess i could have predicted.) man - cancer sucks. i mean, we all knew it. 

(i failed to get into cambridge university at interview stage, many years ago. the man who interviewed me gave me some extremely memorable feedback, which is that i needed to dial back the ‘defensive irony’ - which i thnk in that context meant i put myself down and tried to make a joke of everything. i remember when i got the phonecall to say Anton, my cat, was dead, i literally did not know what to do with my voice - because my instinct was to try and make the vet feel better, and also to present myself as bright and capable, and yet this unexpected and devasting news had just come through. rainbow wrote something sort of similar because she’s a good writer, for shepard as he tells penny about his curse. i feel like that.) 

what else did i want to say? 

i thought i had more time. ‘hamilton’ will probably always be tied to this moment in my mind, because of how much i’ve spoken to my mum about it in the past few weeks (i sent her the remix - she liked it, she listened to it in hospital while trying to drink more than 100ml of fluids) but yeah - this is basically a line from hamilton here. whatever. don’t make me feel my own feelings, let me just quote things. i dont like my own feelings. (no, i dont want to go to therapy - they’d make me talk about my feelings all the time, i’m british for god’s sake.) 

i’m 35 - my mum is 68. i didn’t think she’d die this early or that i’d have to deal with this yet. but then i also don’t think bad things are ever going to happen to me - because mostly they haven’t, see above. i wear a mask and am double vaccinated because i’m not an asshole, but i dont really believe i’ll get covid because bad things don’t happen to me. i didn’t think my mum would die - maybe ever, but definitely not yet. she’s been retired a decade after teaching (science) and has enjoyed it. 

i thought i had time to not have kids yet - which is the other thing (like hamilton) that this moment is really tied up with for me. i feel like 35 is getting quite old, but also not that old to still not have kids, but intend to maybe have them. my feelings about kids were basically like - up until like 25, i thought, yes, definitely. i mean, before i had a realtiosnhip (22-ish), i just assumed i would probably have a het marriage and have kids etc, like people do, but after that we were still talking, yes, children at some point. 

didn’t prioritise it for a few reasons - none of my close friends had children until quite recently, so it just didn’t seem like an urgent thing in the way that it probably does for people with different friendship groups. waiting to be settled enough in a job to be able to take maternity leave without it feeling like a rip off for my employer. waiting for a good time in erin’s PhD writing cycle. and then pandemic. and then a few years ago, maybe as i turned 30, i thought - maybe we won’ have kids, because we still haven’t - and i vocalised that to erin. 

also, i know a lot of people are gay and have children, so it’s not like it’s a thing that is impossible at all, but it’s much much harder if you have to leave your home and your relationship in order to get a child. it has to be a very very conscious decisions. i have friend who are men who have good genes, but we’re not so close i want to ask them for their sperm/to be involved however remotely in making a child - and (i was surprised to discover) (what a lot of things i dont know anything about) you an’t really just buy sperm, it’s not truly legal except through a clinic. and it’s extremely expensive to get inseminated in a clinic, and the NHS don’t really do that, so you do have to pay it. i thought kids would be expensive after they were born, but not before. and i REALLY wanted a house, much much more than - i think even today - i’ve ever wanted a child. i REALLY wanted a house - and now we have a house, and it’s pretty good. but - that’s where the money went, until the pandemic - thanks pandemic - so now we do have some disposable cash at last, because i didn’t commute. 

but now erin is worried about climate change - and wheher it’s right to bring more children into the world, and other things. and.... i think i do want to be pregnant, it’s what i’m planning for - don’t leave this job (which admittedly i also really like, and pays me well - i dont thin i need to leave) because next stop maternity leave, but..... 

i don’t know whether i am thinking, time ot have kids because my best friend just had a baby (the baby’s name is horatio - for real, i actually love this name) (i also haven’t seen her or the baby except over skype, because anna - my friend - is, like my mother, also scared of pandemic) and my brain is like - ok, well, if anna is doing it, i guess the time is here 

AND - i know there’s a large part of me that was like, gotta be pregnant and ideally have the baby before my mum dies so she gets to see that she had a grandchild. my brother and i are both queer, btw, in case you were wondering - he’s considering whether he wants to transition right now (but is still happy with he/him pronouns) and - you may find this astonishing, but i genuinely don’t know whether he’d consider himself ace, or has been in relationships. he’s very private, he has OCD and is in therapy - but anyway, he’s probably not having kids anytime soon (i think!) and graham - my mum’s boyfriend/partner of 10+ years. -has grandchildren, but my extremely middleclass white (but definitely not conservative voters, always 100% not-tory) parents ended up with me and my brother.... and i don’t know, as i say, i don’t know whether my brain is saying ‘have kids before it’s too late’ - although i know by now that it will be too late. even if my mum recovers from this, this time, i don’t think i can produce a child before she dies - and she isn’t asking me too, she’s not like that, but i would have liked her to be there. i thought she would be. 

so - i’m thinking about that. also, about getting a dog. i really want a dog - although i don’t want to upset the three cats (one we’ve had for eight years or so, the other two we got after Anton died). it’s ALSO really hard and expensive to get a dog. you’d think with all these ‘a dog isn’t just for the pandemic, a dog is for life’ type adverts around, that it would be easy to adcidentally get a dog - i’ve looked! you ccan’t get a dog unless you have no cats and you’re super experienced and can take a dog with lots of trauma or medical problems, or you’re willing to pay thousands of pounds. like - even for a regular not even pedigree dog - at least a thousand. pedigree dog - several thousand. i dont want a puppy either - i want a dog. 

and - this is embarrassing to admit, but i’ve alrady told erin - i genuinely had a phase of being super annoyed when i’d read fics where someone just ‘got a dog’. it’s not that simple!!! it’s fiction, it doesn’t matter - chill out. the baby thing too - although weirdly not fics where magic meant it was possible to get a baby, weirdly it was smut. i had a brief week or so of crazy (and i don’t think i am that crazy) where i’d read about fictional semen and just be like - wtf, it’s so hard to get hold of that shit. (it’s not real, this isn’t real semen being wasted, calm down - and i dont even really know if i want kids, i might just think i do.) 

the other thing about the bad thing being soon but not yet (but also being all the time, but not if you dnt think about it) is that i’m thinking - should i prioritise writing my remix now, in case my mum dies and i’m too sad to do it, and then i didn’t do my remix? i was definitely thinking this while writing classroom politics (i hope my mum doesn’t die becaue i dont want to be too sad to miss the deadline) and in the run up to AWTWB .....

today i wrote a list of things for work that would need to be picked up if i have to unexpectedly stop working, either because i’m too sad, or because i have to do funeral stuff, or .... i guess legal stuff about settling the estate. (i guess this happens to a lot of people, too, but it’s also a bit of a mindfuck that my brother and i will inherit her house and a bunch of cash when she dies - i’m pretty well off, my brotehr does virtual reality theatre stuff so really isn’t - we’ve talked about how much easier both of our lives will be with a huge injection of cash, and how we dont know what to feel about that) (great news, dogs and kids are really expensive! time to find out whether i really wanted to spend my money on those.) told people i like at work that it’s coming, and that i dont want to talk about it. and mostly just... carrying on with life, really. until it happens. 

it’s so weird how easy it is to carry on most of the time.i know my mum’s partner is not doing nearly so well - he has to cope with an empty house and he’s retired. i’ve had periods - including right now - where i wake up every morning and check my phone to see whehter someone called me or texted me to tell me it’s over. but most of the day i’m actually really fine. i even had an ok day today. and i don’t know whether i want that to be the case, or whether i shouldn’t let myself do that. i dont know what i should prepare for in terms of where i’ll be - will i want lots of stuff to distract me (this is my guess) and work is very good for that, or i will want to clear time and space because i can’t operate and dont want people to offer me comfort. (FYI - this post isn’t written to make people say anything to me, i definitely dont want to talk about it, so please don’t feel you either have to comment or check in on me - i don’t really want you to. it’s enough to have written it, in my own time, in my own space.)

i think i wanted to write this post in a way because i thought i probably wouldnt want to write it after my mum died - because i probably wouldn’t want to say anything about it at all, for a few years. 

my mum keeps telling me about the show ‘jane the virgin’ - which she’s half way through. shhe asked me to give it a try, so i did (she often tells me about shows on radio 4, which i rarely listen to. i thouht i had more time.) i’ve watched an episode (because she has cancer, i should listen to her recommendations)(but i dont want her to know that’s why i did it) and i do quite like - it’s light and frothy and well cut together (although about kids and artificial insemination, of course). i guess in a worse case scenario where i’m too sad to work or write, i will probably watch a lot of this show - which is incredibly not sad - and feel sad about how my mum never finished it. 

BUT ALSO SHE MIGHT BE OK. for a while. 

i dont know how i feel, blargh. anyway. this was a long post. i think i wrote it mostly for me. feelings are weird. covid really sucks and so does cancer. 

going to order some chicken and watch inuyasha.

[imma-fucking-nerd]

Canine Conundrum (Part 2)

(Connor x Reader x Nines)

A/N: Ask and yee shall receive! heres part 2! (Electric boogaloo)

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Loud knocks at your door jolted you awake from your slumber. The sudden sound also alerting the two dogs who layed either side of you. It seemed like you must have fallen asleep in the same position on the couch you had been the night before. You glanced from the husky on your right to the shepard on you left in confusion before memories of the previous day came back to you. A grin made its way to your face.

"Morning boys," you said, stifling a yawn.

Another couple of heavy knocks sounded at the door and you pulled yourself from off the couch. As you trudged over to the door your two canine companions followed close behind, eyeing the door cautiously. The sight made you smirk slightly.

Upon opening the door you were faced with none other than Hank.

"Hey Hank, what brings you here? And so early?" you glanced over to your clock on the wall that read 4:36am as you spoke.

"Got a call about a lead that might have info on where their bodies are," he grumbled, motioning to the two who sat by your feet.

"Oh, okay. Let me just go get dressed real quick," you opened your door wider for the older man to step inside however he just gave you a funny look.

"And where the hell do you think you're going?" he asked, really hoping you weren't about to say what he thought you were going to say.

"I'm coming with you," you stated as if it were obvious.

"Like hell you are. You're not even a detective, you aren't trained to be out in the field," he argued.

"I can handle myself thank you very much. Plus I've got you and these guys to protect me," you retorted with a grin, pointing to the basically guard dogs.

"Besides, would you rather go ask Gavin for help instead?" you added, knowing full well that won the argument.

Just as you thought, Hank just sighed and stepped inside your humble abode.

"Fine. But you do exactly as I say and never leave my sight, got it?" he ordered.

"Got it. Thanks dad," you gave him a little wink and shot him with finger guns before hurrying to your room to change.

Although he wouldn't admit it, he kinda did think of you as a daughter/son figure. Hence why he was so reluctant to let you accompany him. He was already worrying about the possibility of Connor being (and even Conan) being stuck as dogs, he didn't want to have to worry about you too. But Hank rarely got his way. Poor man.

A soft whine drew Hank's attention down to Connor, who he guessed disapproved of hom giving into you so easily.

"How about you tell her/him to stay then?" he said with a little smirk, crossing his arms.

Connor gave a short bark to which Hank just rolled his eyes.

"That's what I thought."

After about roughly five minutes you came back out from your room dressed and ready to go. You just needed to throw on a jacket and boots.

"Alright. Let's get going shall we?" you grinned as you opened your door for the three.

Quickly, you locked your door after you all before heading over to Hanks car. Hank was already in the drivers seat and just as you opened the passenger side for yourself, Conan took the opportunity to steal your spot.

"Hey!" you whined with a small pout.

Even in this dog form you could almost see him smirking. You rolled your eyes at him but leaned in to buckle in his seatbelt, because safety is important. An action which earned a weird look from Hank. However you got your revenge by pecking canine Conan's furry cheek before quickly leaning away and closing the door. He just huffed in response.

"Welp, guess were backseat buds," you say looking down to Connor.

You opened the back door, he jumped in first and you followed suit. As Hank started the car you fastened Connor's seatbelt before doing your own. When you looked up to meet his expectant big chocolatey brown eyes you gave a chuckle, bringing up your hand to pat his head. This earned the best smile a dog was able to muster. Oh you were so going to tease him about this later.

"So, where are we going?" you asked, leaning forward to look at Hank.

"Activity was reported at an abandoned house on the more secluded side of town," Hank replied, keeping his eyes on the road.

"Cool cool cool," you nodded, leaning back into your seat.

The drive didn't take more than a half hour at most and when Hank pulled up to the old run down looking house you immediately got bad vibes. It screamed 'someone definitely got murdered here and their ghost still hangs around'. Before getting out of the car you unbuckled yours and Connor's seatbelts. Then you had to go undo Conan's as well because Hank couldn't be bothered. After the four of you were out you headed towards the building. Once you reached the entrance Hank stopped and turned to you.

"You stick with me and stay quiet, got it?" his tone was serious.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," you waved him off .

Upon entering the house it was seemed as if it had been abandoned for years. The paint was chipping off the walls, the hardwood floors looked like they were rotting, and you could practically see the dust particles in the air. But you knew better than to take its rundown state for face value.

"Alright, you two search the ground floor and me and (Y/n) will search upstairs," Hank spoke up, keeping his voice down.

You watched the two dogs share a look before going their separate ways to search the house. You had to stifle a laugh when you saw them starting to sniff around. It wasn't like they had their cool detective scans anymore so you guessed they had to make due with what they had. It was still adorable though.

Just like Hank said, you followed him up the stairs cautiously. The gravity of the situation finally hitting you that this might have been dangerous. Who knows what kind of weirdo was squaring here. If they were able to fuck with the two most advanced androids around who knows what else they were capable of?

As you followed Hank down a corridor with a couple doors on each side you suddenly stopped when you saw a faint blue glow coming from one of the rooms. Hank didn't seem to notice you stoping and kept on ahead. You opened you mouth to call for him but shut it, deciding it best to just investigate yourself. Sure you weren't a detective per say, and sure you had no training in combat or self defense, but you knew where to land a mean kick and that was good enough for you. So you broke one of Hank's only rules to go investigate on your own.

Slowly walking into the room you felt your heartrate start to pick up. Okay maybe this wasn't the best idea, but you were here now and apparently there was no turning back for you. When you entered the room fully your eyes were immediately draw to a set of monitors on the right wall. You also noticed a slew of wires, and when you followed them with your eyes you lifted your gaze to see none other than the bodies of your best friends/kinda crushes. You grinned at the discovery and felt pride well up inside you. This would show Hank you could totally be a detective if you wanted to.

You opened your mouth to call out to Hank and co when suddenly a hand harshly clamped over your mouth and a cool metal object was pressed into your temple.

"Don't you make a fucking sound," a low voice hissed in your ear.

Well, shit.

Your heart was beating so fast you weren't sure if it was just going to stop right then and there. Slowly you brought your hands up in surrender, not really sure what the hell else you could do. So much for being able to take care of yourself. You could feel tears stinging your eyes as a million thoughts flooded your mind. This was it. This was how you were going to die.

However your existential thoughts were cut short by the sound of Hanks voice coming from the entrance of the room.

"Detroit police, put the gun down asahole," he spoke firmly, his own gun trained on the assailant who had turned you around to face Hank and was now using you as a meat shield.

The man who was holding you hostage pressed the barrel of the gun further into your temple and you couldn't help but let out a whimper.

Hearing the commotion upstairs, Connor and Conan met up with each other in the livingroom. They exchanged a look before racing up the stairs, making their way to Hank's side in less than a minute. As soon as their eyes landed on the sight of the man that put them in the body of a dog, holding a gun to your head, they immediately started growling.

Now that there were three threats, the assailant didn't know who to pint the gun at. He kept shifting it from Hank, to Connor, to Conan, and back onto you.

"S-Stay back!" the man demanded.

You could tell he was scared by the way his voice shook, and the sound of the gun rattling as his hand trembled. However you made no move to get out of his grip because you knew that would lead to you getting shot.

"Put the gun down and let the girl/boy go and maybe you'll live," Hank said, not backing down.

The two dog detectives on either side of him snarled and growled, their stances ready to attack at any moment. It was weird how they managed to go from adorable to terrifying in no time flat. But then again the same could be said in their regular human bodies.

The gun that moved away from your head and pointed in the same pattern as before frantically. However before he had the chance to point it back to you, Conan suddenly took the opportunity to lunge at the attacker. The gun went off and Connor didn't give him the chance to fire again, sinking his teeth into the man's arm making him drop the gun, and you. When you looked over to Conan you immediately saw the blue blood dripping from his shoulder.

You ignored the pained screams of the man, Connor's angry growls as he kept him down, and Hank reading out the bastards rights as he cuffed him. Your attention was solely on your injured android friend who was trapped in the body of an equally android dog. The combination made your heart break twice as much.

"Conan! Hold on okay, I'm going to get you out of there okay?" you spoke, your voice showing obvious panic.

While you had you were on your mission of getting Conan back to his body before it was too late, Hank had taken the assailant who had passed out downstairs to his car. But Connor didn't leave the room. He hated how helpless he felt as all he could really do was watch you struggle.

As carefully as you could you picked up Conan and carried him over to lay him down in front of his regular body. As you laid him down he let out a pained whine and you had to stop yourself from sobbing right then and there. Moving over to the monitor you realized you had no clue what you were looking at. Time was running as you searched through files upon files and you felt like you were about to have a breakdown. If you failed to save Conan after he just tried to save you, you'd never forgive yourself.

When your eyes spotted a file called 'Memory Upload' you clicked it immediately, and when you did a message popped up that read 'Please Connect Device'. You assumed that meant an android, or at least you hoped that's what it meant. So naturally you dropped to your knees to find what wire to plug into the android dog. But once you saw the mess of wires your hope started to dwindle.

"You've got to be shitting me," you muttered to yourself as you started sifting though the wires.

Suddenly you noticed Connor come up to your side and nudged a yellow wire in your direction. You grabbed it immediately, assuming it was the right one, and crawled over to Conan who seemed to be just barely holding on. You gave him a quick reassuring pet through his fur, whilst also trying to simultaneously trying to find a way to plug in the damned wire. It felt like forever before you finally plugged the damned thing in, when reality it was only a couple seconds, and you practically flew up to monitor.

You barely read the words 'CN300 Canine Model Connected' before smashing the 'Transfer Memory' button. Once you saw the 1% you moved back to Conan's side to whisper reassuring words, trusting the upload process wod work quickly.

"Please, please don't die on me," you pleaded, resting your forehead on his side.

When you looked up to his doggy eyes next, they were lifeless. Your eyes widened and you felt like your whole world was coming down on you.

"Conan? No....nonononono," your voice cracked as you spoke and the tears that had threaten to spill the entire time finally spilled.

However what failed to notice in your grief struck state was the big 'Memory Transfer Complete' on one of the monitors. It was only when you heard someone clear their throat you looked to see Conan, staring down at you with his steel grey eyes, that were very much alive.

"Conan?" you said in disbelief, your glossy eyes widening.

"Hello (Y/n)," he replied simply, as if nothing had happened.

You immediately hopped up to your feet, your arms flying up to wrap around his torso in a tight hug. If he was anyone else he would have probably been tackled to the ground by the sheer force. He didn't reciprocate the hug immediately, but eventually he gave in and gave your head a little pat.

"I thought you died you asshole," your words came out muffled as your face was currently buried in his chest, but he heard you clear as day.

"Yes well, it was the only way to ensure you'd never make me go into that body ever again," he said as a smirk tugged at his lips.

"Wait are you serious!? You risked your life just to destroy the dog android?" you pulled away from him and looked up at him in utter disbelief.

"Correct," he said, his smirk widening at your reaction.

"Oh haha very funny," you huffed, punching him in the chest weakly.

"I don't understand why you think I'm joking," he tilted his head slightly, lifting an eyebrow as he feigned confusion.

"Yeah, suuuuuure. It totally wasn't to save my life or anything," you said rolling your eyes, not buying his bs for one second.

"Believe whatever you would like (Y/n)," he shot back.

You were about to reply back when a whine from your right cut you off. Looking down you saw Connor sitting next to you, who must have been waiting patiently for you and Conan to finish your little reunion.

"Oh shit, sorry Connor. Let's get you back to your body now that your asshole brother is fine," you gave him a little apology pet as you spoke.

Conan rolled his eyes at your little insult but didn't take any offense by it. He knew you loved him, and he loved you. Though he'd obviously would rather die than admit it. The stubborn bastard.

Thankfully when you had to redo the steps to transfer Connor's memory back to his body, you could do it calmly not that there wasn't so much pressure. Just as the transfer was almost 100% complete Hank returned to the scene. When he saw that Conan had been restored to his body, and now Connor as well, he looked over to you with a proud smile.

"Glad to see you didn't manage to fuck anything up," he said just as Connor opened his eyes.

"Gee thanks for the vote of confidence," you said sarcastically.

"You did good kid," he said sincerely.

"Thanks dad," you looked over to him with a smile.

"Hello Lieutenant, and (Y/n)," Connor greeted you both.

You looked over to him and offered him a wide grin before walking up to him, engulfing him in a hug. Unlike your hug with Conan, you wrapped your arms around Connor's neck since you could actually reach. Also unlike Conan, he almost immediately wrapped his arms around your waist. This boy always loved your hugs.

"Good to have you back Concon," you said as you pulled away.

"But I didn't go anywhere. I was just a dog," he said in confusion with one of his classic head tilts.

"Yeah I know Con," you chuckled.

God how you missed his adorable cluelessness.

"By the way, you were a very good boy," you added with a sly smirk.

"O-Oh um, thank you," he said with a timid smile, a light tint of blue dusting his cheeks.

You heard Conan scoff from your left and you glanced over to him, your smirk widening.

"Oh Conan, you were a very good boy too. No need to get jealous," you teased.

He rolled his eyes and turned his back to leave the room, however you noticed how his cheeks were turning a lovely shade of baby blue as well.

"Alright you weirdos let's get the fuck outta here," Hank said as he followed Conan out.

You were about to follow the two but stopped when you didn't hear Connor behind you. Looking back at him you saw he was picking up his dog equivalent. When he met your eyes he smiled sheepishly.

"I was wondering if I could keep this, for the future. If you'd ever like a dog. Me specifically," he tried to explain himself.

"Yes. That would be amazing Connor," you grinned.

At least one of them would be willing to explore the world through the eyes of a dog once again. However either way you were never going to let either of the two androids live this down. Ever.

——————————————

A/N: As alwayssss I did not mean for this to be this long wooooopss. I kinda have no clue where tf this went and I'm so sorry if its terrible lmaooo. Anyways I hope y'all enjoyed anyways 💙

[puddygeeks]

𝑾𝒂𝒓 𝑶𝒇 𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒔 - 𝑪𝒓𝒊𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒂𝒍 𝑴𝒊𝒏𝒅𝒔, 𝑺𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒆𝒓 𝑹𝒆𝒊𝒅 𝒙 𝑶𝑪 - 𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 9: 𝑪𝒓𝒐𝒔𝒔𝒓𝒐𝒂𝒅𝒔

Masterlist

Rating: Mature

Summary: 𝐴𝑙𝑖𝑐𝑒 𝑛𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑖𝑚𝑎𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑒𝑑 ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑓 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑛 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑙𝑙𝑖𝑔𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒, 𝑏𝑢𝑡 ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑑𝑒𝑠𝑖𝑟𝑒 𝑡𝑜 ℎ𝑒𝑙𝑝 𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑠 𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑢𝑙𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑖𝑛 𝑡𝑟𝑜𝑢𝑏𝑙𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑙𝑒𝑓𝑡 ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑡𝑙𝑒 𝑜𝑝𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑠. 𝑊𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑢𝑝𝑝𝑜𝑟𝑡 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝐵𝐴𝑈 𝑓𝑎𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑦, 𝑚𝑎𝑦𝑏𝑒 𝑠ℎ𝑒 𝑐𝑎𝑛 𝑓𝑖𝑛𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑏𝑒𝑔𝑖𝑛 𝑡𝑜 ℎ𝑒𝑎𝑙 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑤𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑝𝑎𝑠𝑡.

Fandom: Criminal Minds

Pairing: Spencer Reid x OC

Status: Ongoing

LONG TERM ONGOING PROJECT :)

My writing is entirely fuelled by coffee! If you enjoy my work, feel free to donate toward my caffeine dependency: will work for coffee

𝑾𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: 𝐺𝑒𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑎𝑑𝑢𝑙𝑡 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑛𝑡, 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒 𝑡𝑟𝑖𝑔𝑔𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑚𝑒𝑠 𝑎𝑠 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑠ℎ𝑜𝑤. 𝑃𝑙𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑒 𝑏𝑒 𝑎𝑤𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑑𝑜𝑒𝑠 𝑚𝑒𝑎𝑛 𝑐𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑐𝑎𝑠𝑒𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑚𝑢𝑟𝑑𝑒𝑟, 𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑙𝑑 𝑎𝑏𝑑𝑢𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 & 𝑠𝑒𝑥𝑢𝑎𝑙 𝑎𝑏𝑢𝑠𝑒 𝑎𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑖𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑒 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝐵𝐴𝑈'𝑠 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑘. 𝐼𝑡 𝑖𝑠 𝑚𝑦 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑡𝑜 ℎ𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑙𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑠𝑒 𝑖𝑠𝑠𝑢𝑒𝑠 𝑎𝑠 𝑐𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑓𝑢𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑎𝑠 𝑝𝑜𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑏𝑙𝑒, 𝑏𝑢𝑡 𝑖𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑖𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑦𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑓𝑒𝑒𝑙 𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑏𝑒 𝑖𝑚𝑝𝑟𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑑 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ ℎ𝑜𝑤 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑠𝑒 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑎𝑔𝑒𝑑, 𝑝𝑙𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑒 𝑙𝑒𝑡 𝑚𝑒 𝑘𝑛𝑜𝑤.

Eᴘɪsᴏᴅᴇ: Pʀᴇ Sᴇᴀsᴏɴ 1

Chapter Nine

My office felt colder than usual when I returned from my trip, but I suspected that it was mostly due to the lack of the warm BAU team’s presence. It was difficult for me to concentrate on anything whilst Hotch’s offer repeated in my mind and I found myself mentally making a pros and cons list as I worked. There were so many factors to consider. In order to avoid any external influence I was careful to ensure that I made the decision alone, hesitating from discussing it with anyone after Ricky.

Following my brief break away from Interpol, it seemed as if I was even more swamped with work than when I left. It wasn’t long before I was feeling the stress of being spread too thinly between numerous teams. Requests for assistance from each of them mounted up around me and it became a struggle to suitably prioritise them.

As I busied myself with organising a list, a new task flashed up on my screen that made my blood chill. Etienne Vidal had submitted a request for my individual support with researching a suspect list, insisting in the notes that having my undivided attention would have a substantial benefit to this case.

Much to my disdain, I knew that it was only a matter of time before Shepard approved this with the perspective of improving our working relationship. I pushed my hair out of my face to massage my temples. Mentally, I was attempting to convince myself that I could manage another encounter with Vidal.

Before I’d even realised what I was doing, I found myself striding out of my office clutching a few files to my chest and decided to take myself to get a cup of herbal tea from a nearby café.

I felt immediately clearer the moment that I stepped out of the Interpol headquarters. The fresh air flowed through my loose hair, rejuvenating my worn down spirit. The tightly packed streets of Lyon were a welcome sight and I was thankful to at least be blessed with living in such a beautiful, historical city.

Opening up the files to flick through the information inside as I walked, I hoped that my picturesque surroundings might give me a fresh perspective. Even once I had settled within the charming café, I lingered for a while as I waited to feel ready to return to my desk.

Eventually, I mustered up the courage to begin strolling back in the direction of the office. I had decided not to overstay my welcome, leaving with my lovingly made hot drink in a takeaway cup and lost myself in documents to distract from the rising feeling of anxiety in my chest. I was completely enthralled in the files as I walked the halls of the building on autopilot, causing me not to notice the voice calling my name in a thick French accent until it was too late.

“My, my, Alice. I hope that you’re not trying to avoid me.”

The absence of formalities caused my stomach to lurch with recognition and I paused on the spot in horror as Vidal blocked my path. When I finally pulled my nose from the papers, I realised that I had been unfortunate enough to be caught in one of the least used hallways in the office.

The only rooms here were disused offices which had been utilised as storage for cold cases, decreasing it’s foot traffic to practically nothing. I had grown accustomed to taking this longer route back to my own space in order to avoid the rest of my team. However, today this plan had backfired, instead meaning that we would be highly unlikely to be interrupted.

“Oh. my apologies, Vidal. I was lost in work.” I answered with a forced smile,

Unwilling to engage in any further conversation I moved to pass him, but he immediately shifted himself to block me from leaving.

“You are so dedicated, ma poupée. It is admirable, but certainly too much for you.” He drawled, making no effort to hide the way that his gaze explored my entire body and his smile afterward made my skin crawl.

“I fear that you may have missed my request on your break, but Shepard has agreed for me to borrow your skills. It will allow you to relax for a while with only one case, and with me.” He explained confidently.

Even with all of the experience of his arrogance, I remained shocked by how genuinely he seemed to believe that he was doing me a favour by trapping me into working alongside him.

“Ah, I hadn’t seen it yet.” I admitted, attempting to contain my disappointment at this revelation so that I didn’t anger him. “Let me just finish the task that I’m on and I’ll find you when I’m done.” I instructed as I strained to keep the nerves from my smile, but it was obvious that he had no intention of allowing me to move yet.

“Come on, Alice. You don’t need to pretend to worry about the others. I should be your only priority.” He insisted, stepping closer to me again and in my efforts to regain some personal space, I ended up trapped between him and the wall. “I know that you have been spending more time with your FBI team recently, but you wouldn’t ever forget about me, would you ma chérie?” He asked, his voice slipping lower whilst his expression grew painfully serious.

Out of an overpowering feeling of intimidation, I shook my head vigorously in response. Vidal only seemed encouraged by his effect on me, smirking arrogantly as his face neared mine and I felt my hands begin to shake with nerves. I prayed for anyone to notice us, as I felt too paralysed with fear to do anything to stop him, but the hallway remained silently empty.

“Well, I do worry. You seem to be working with them more and more frequently. I would imagine that you’re getting to know each other very well. You were rudely defensive of that one young man during our consultation call.” He suggested, thinning his eyes at me suspiciously.

The reminder of my outburst in front of the BAU team caused me to cringe. His words were alarmingly accusatory and I couldn’t deny the feeling that he saw himself as entitled to the details of my life, specifically my love life.

A loud sound caused me to whimper as he pounded his hand against the wall behind me to frighten me, shifting to lean his weight on the surface so that he could confine me in position beneath him.

“There wouldn’t be anything going on between you and this Dr Reid that I should know about. Would there, Alice?” He questioned, the subtlety of his temper failing to escape my notice and I could hardly breathe from the intensity of his stare. “You know how I detest dishonesty.”

“No.” I whispered hurriedly, my voice shaking from stress as any sense of control rapidly dissolved into anxiety.

From my years of study I understood the effect that past trauma had on our natural fight or flight instincts, but experiencing it first hand gave me a level of insight that was frankly horrifying. I willed myself to confront him, to strike him out of my space with the power that my aunt had always encouraged me to own, or even to simply run away, but I had no control against my natural reaction, which was to freeze.

“That’s a good girl.” He breathed, a wicked smile filling his lips as he revelled in my obedience. Much to my terror, he leaned his face suffocatingly close to me and I felt like a caged animal under his gaze. “I don’t know what I would do if you betrayed me like that. You’re too special to belong to anyone else.” He soothed, so deep in his delusion that he was flattering me that it made him completely oblivious to my disgust.

My entire stomach felt as if it might literally drop out of my body as he reached out to push my hair behind my ear, his hand lingering against my cheek nauseatingly. He bit his lip in a way that he must have believed to be seductive and I realised with a new level of panic that he was inching closer, as if he intended to kiss me. My mind spun with a million thoughts as I urged myself to escape, but I couldn’t break out of the survival instinct that held me in place.

“Vidal! I’ve been looking for you everywhere.”

Someone called out at the last possible moment before his lips touched mine and my breath caught in my throat. He seemed incredibly aggravated by the intrusion, taking a moment to compose himself before he finally stepped out of my space. His posture was still as he turned around to address the source of the voice.

“Prentiss. My apologies. I’m afraid that I am rather caught up with assisting Alice at the moment.” He drawled with a polite smile, clearly not even slightly flustered by being caught in the act.

The absolute control in his demeanour was especially chilling. It was an ability that I had seen frequently in the types of people that I assisted in catching for a living, allowing me to understand precisely how dangerous he was capable of being. I could barely think straight as I stared over at Emily who was standing at the far end of the hall.

“Yes. I can see that.” She answered curtly.

It was clear that she had no intention of allowing him to brush this encounter off as she strolled closer to get a better view of the situation. I jumped as I felt one of Vidal’s hands squeeze my arm painfully tight, silently warning me to play along with his ruse.

“Can this wait until later, Madame?” He enquired, the air of calm that he had previously possessed already slipping as he spoke and whilst his gaze was distracted by her, I risked meeting her eyes to communicate a desperate plea for her help.

“No. Actually, it can’t.” Emily insisted, maintaining an authoritative tone as she thinned her eyes at him and I could have burst from the relief of confirming that she had noticed my distress.

“You have an urgent call waiting and I’m afraid that I need Agent Hawthorne’s assistance for myself.” She added, turning her attention to me with concern that was subtle enough to escape Vidal’s notice.

Without any concern for him noticing her actions, she ushered me to come to her. I wasted no time in removing myself from his grip, rushing over to meet her with my eyes glued to the floor nervously. Even so, I could feel her fixing him with a stern glare, before she fell into step with me.

We walked in silence with her positioned at my side in a manner that would prevent anyone else from reaching me and she remained this way every single step back to my office.

As I stepped inside, she hesitated in the doorway to give me the chance to regain some personal space. Whilst I did this she continued to protect me, aligning herself so that entry to the room would be impossible for anyone else.

“I actually don’t have anything that I need you for. I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay. If there’s anything that I could do to-“

“I’m fine.” I answered abruptly, keen for this situation to be over as quickly as possible and Emily studied me sympathetically. “Thank you for checking on me, but I can handle it from here.” I added, subtly reassuring her that I would take action to protect myself if it was needed.

“I know that you can. If you change your mind, my phone is always on me.” She suggested with a caring smile.

After a few moments of silence, she reluctantly left the room. The moment that she departed, I closed the door behind her and moved furniture in front of it to prevent it from being easily opened again.

Tears of shock rolled down my cheeks as I felt my entire body shaking and I had to wrap my arms around myself to calm my anxiety. It was a method that I had been taught to use in triggering situations, but even knowing that I was barricaded in this room, I couldn’t convince myself to feel safe.

In the depths of my despair, I became aware of the only logical next step for my life. I opened my emails and began drafting a letter of acceptance to Hotch that ended with a simple question.

When can I start?

--⥈--

Emerging from my flight at the Virginia airport felt completely different this time. Despite getting to know it well from the numerous recent visits that I’d made over the past six weeks to get things organised, I was still excited to see it again. It was surreal to inform security that I was actually emigrating instead of visiting and I strolled out into the bright open space of arrivals with a sense of wonder.

Everything felt larger and grander, as if being seen through new eyes. I suspected that viewing it as a new start had a significant effect on my perception. There was even a relaxing scent in the air, something that lured me toward the exit with a feeling of hope and it was as if the strain of the past was melting away with every step that I took.

I could hardly believe my eyes when I noticed that instead of just Penelope waiting for me as we’d agreed, there was an embarrassingly large welcome sign covered in glitter, pom poms and complete with tiny flashing lights. It was being waved by her, Morgan, JJ and a bashful looking Spencer.

“Penelope! You are the absolute worst at no fuss!” I groaned as I reached her and she threw the part of the banner that she had been holding at Morgan so that she could embrace me tightly.

“I don’t care! I wanted to make sure that your new life here starts on the right foot.” She excused as she squeezed the life out of me and the others busied themselves with packing away the banner as I blushed furiously at them over her shoulder. “I can’t believe the day is finally here. I’m so excited! Oh, guys, we almost forgot.” She enthused as she released me to turn back to the group and I glanced nervously at them as she made some insistent gestures.

“Welcome to America!”

The other three were completely out of sync in their half hearted cheer, with Penelope contributing the loudest and most dramatic voice, whilst I smiled at them with burning cheeks.

“You’re all very sweet. Thank you.” I muttered gratefully, wishing that Penelope had at least given me enough of a heads up to wear something less tattered than my moving clothes, which weren’t what I would have chosen for spending time in anyone else’s company than hers.

Thanks to all of my planning visits, which allowed me to leave cases in storage at Ricky’s new place, combined with the fact that he had graciously accepted the boxes of possessions that I shipped to him in advance, I had hardly anything with me. There was no clothing in my flight bag, leaving me with only the white, off the shoulder blouse and ripped denim shorts that I was wearing and the few personal items that I’d needed to take care of myself for the last couple of weeks in France.

Penelope looped her arm through mine as we all moved toward the exit and I had the sensation that the surprises weren’t over just yet.

“So, we’ll start by collecting your stuff and then help you to get settled at the new place.” She announced, already wrapped up in the joy of the day, oblivious to how questioning my gaze was.

“When you say we, you still mean the two of us as we planned, right?” I enquired suspiciously, but the way that she chewed her lip as she considered how to explain herself gave her away.

“Please tell me that she hasn’t already roped all of you into this? I’m sure you have better ways to spend your days off than carrying my stuff around.” I gasped, glancing between the three other members of our group in horror, only to be met with amused smiles at my outrage.

“You got a moving truck booked?” Morgan interrogated, crossing his arms at me as if he was already prepared for my protests, but I could only shake my head cluelessly. “Well, it just so happens that I have one on loan from a friend for the day. You already know that I’m not about to let my baby girl spend her day doing a hundred trips in the car, when I can get this done in one. Just let it go, Poppins.” He asserted, glancing over at Penelope with a conspiratorial smile and I looked to JJ and Spencer in a silent plea for help.

“What kind of team would allow their newest member to struggle?” JJ asked, her kind nature seeping into her words. “You’ve got enough to worry about with a move this big. Let us help you to do this at least.” She added, smiling at me warmly and Spencer cleared his throat to gain my attention.

“You’d also be wrong in the assumption that we have anything better to do.” He shrugged comically, causing Morgan to frown at him in blatant disapproval.

“Hey. Speak for yourself, kid!” He remarked, knocking Spencer’s arm slightly in the kind of manner that an older brother would to annoy their younger sibling. “I see you people enough at work. I definitely have other things to do than follow you around on my weekends, too. I’m just here to help out a friend.”

“Wait. Does that include me?” Penelope stopped in her tracks, causing a collision amongst all of us as she faced down Morgan with a heavy expression of offence.

“You already know that it doesn’t, Sweetness. I can never see enough of you.” He crooned, earning a pleased smile from her before he turned back to me. “So, where’s our first stop, new girl?”

“Well, my cousin is working today, but he’s arranged for his housemate to let me in to collect my things. Here’s the address.”

--⥈--

“Ally. Please tell me that’s not a ladder up to your bed?” Penelope questioned with a blatant disbelief and I chuckled as I followed her into my new studio, carrying a case full of clothing up the stairs.

“I thought you’d like that. It’s quirky.” I remarked as I dragged the case inside behind her, catching her glancing around at my home.

The place was remarkably small, almost feeling full with just the two of us inside. I had to shift awkwardly as I tried to get past her. This had been the main reason for my reluctance about the team assisting us with the move, as I knew that we would be likely to be tripping over each other, rather than benefiting from their help. Judging from Penelope’s reaction, I was already dreading the others coming up from the van.

“It certainly is. It’s just so small.” She commented, looking over at me with concern and I shrugged in response. “I know that you’ll be the only one living here, but I’m worried that you’ll get claustrophobic. I mean, this place is like a bunk bed that grew up to identify as a studio.” She clarified, wanting to ensure that she wasn’t coming across as judgmental, but she didn’t need to worry as I chuckled in agreement.

“You could always stay with me until you find somewhere. I’ll even help you look for a place. It’ll be like a constant sleepover party!” She added enthusiastically, already seeming to get lost in the excitement of this concept.

“As much fun as that sounds, you don’t need to worry. It’s only temporary.” I admitted, causing her to furrow her brows in concern. It was obvious that she was worrying I had some secret plans to leave her again soon.

“I don’t have a long term contract for this place. Ricky recommended the owner as someone that he usually rents holiday homes like this from. I’ve got this place until the end of the month to give me a chance to get to know the area better, figure out what kind of place I’m really looking for.” I presented my plan, allowing Penelope to drop her shoulders in relief.

It was difficult to differentiate whether she was more appreciative of the revelation that I wouldn’t be leaving her, or that I wasn’t planning to live here for long. Either way, my explanation seemed to have put her mind at ease.

“Well, that’s a good thing. Because this place is not up to standard for a proper tenancy.” Morgan announced as he carried the heaviest box inside and though I scurried to get out of his way, Penelope seemed quite content to allow him to squeeze past her. “I’m gonna give your locks a proper check before I leave. They’re looking a little too old for my liking.” He added as he dropped the box, turning to examine the door with a sceptical expression, even from across the room.

“Hey. As the person with the most experience busting them open, I’ll trust your opinion on locks.” I teased, earning a cheeky smile before Morgan headed back out to grab some more stuff, taking Penelope with him.

After their comments, I took another look at the place and couldn’t understand their concern. It was already substantially nicer than the miserable flat that I’d rented in France, even if it was smaller. Sure, it was a tight squeeze to navigate, but it had all of the essentials. Unfortunately, most of them were contained within the same four walls, but I just thought of it as cosy.

The kitchen was simply a couple of cupboards along the side of the room where the dimensions more closely resembled those of a hallway than a living space. There was a sofa pushed up against the end of the cabinets to almost create a lounge and above it was a platform with a mattress which I felt gave the whole place a treehouse vibe. Lastly, there was a separate small bathroom and some stairs at the back of the studio that led to a rooftop that could almost be described as a balcony. It certainly wasn’t glamorous by any stretch of the imagination, but it would give me a place to stay.

JJ entered the room struggling with a large box and I rushed over to take it from her before she hurt herself.

“This has got to be the third box labelled books so far, Alice. I’m seriously getting worried about you.” She chuckled playfully, looking around the place with interest during the time that I found a surface to dump the box. “Seriously. How many books do you need?” She asked with a warm sparkle in her eyes and before I could think of an excuse for my addiction, Spencer made his way inside.

“Comparatively, Alice's collection isn’t especially unreasonable. In the middle ages, the purchasing of multiple books was considered to be a hobby that was suitable exclusively for wealthy individuals.” He launched into defending me without a second thought and I was glad to have his support to push aside the embarrassment that I was feeling. “In the present day, the largest collection of books belongs to the Library of Congress, which houses more than 170 million items.”

“Wow. The dream.” I breathed, for a moment losing myself in the fantasy of being able to own a library of my own, until I was distracted by JJ looking between Spencer and I with a suspicious smile, leaving us to geek out without having to pretend that she was interested. “I’m sure that still wouldn’t keep you busy for long, though.” I teased as I turned to face Spencer and he smiled shyly at me.

“Will you be alright here?” He asked as he began to assess the space.

I had to admit that his concern had caught me off guard. The others were often open with their emotions, but Spencer was quieter, almost as if he was still deciding whether he could be himself around me. Although I hoped that in time he would relax, I had no intention of pushing him. For now, I was simply pleasantly surprised to find that he was just as protective of me as the rest of the team.

“Oh, sure. It’s kinda bare right now, but once I get some books on display and add a bunch of plants, it’ll be great.” I defended, hoping that he wouldn’t sense the nerves that I still held for this move. “Maybe I’ll even get some fairy lights for the edge of that loft bit.” I added thoughtfully as I pointed toward my bed, causing him to peek over at me with confusion, but before I could question it Morgan charged back inside the apartment with a heavy case containing a large majority of my clothing.

“She means string lights, pretty boy. It’s a Britishism.” He explained, causing Spencer to smile at me as if endeared by the idea and I shrugged, unaware that this was a term that was uncommon here. “That’s everything from the van. I don’t think we’re all gonna fit in your place, so how about grabbing some lunch out? I know a joint nearby.”

“Sure. My treat for all your help.” I offered as Spencer and I began to make our way to the door, only for Morgan to snatch my keys from my hand to test the locks protectively.

Once he was satisfied that the apartment was safe, we regrouped with the others and followed his lead to a small bar a couple of blocks away. Even in the distance, it was clear that it was a lively venue. On closer examination, I noticed a couple of decorative choices that indicated that it was probably a sports bar.

Everyone chatted happily as Morgan arranged a table outside in the sun, seeming as if he knew the owners and we took our seats whilst he caught up with them. The waiter provided us with menus whilst gesturing to Morgan, who joined us with a bright smile.

“Now. I know that you’re used to all of your food being boiled and beige, but you’re not living in the war anymore. It’s time to get modern. This here is some real American food that’s gonna blow your mind.” He announced, flashing me a cheeky wink but I simply rolled my eyes at him.

“Ah, yes. I’m in America now, the land of heart attack burgers and copious amounts of salt on absolutely everything. I’ll need bigger clothes in no time.” I retorted, causing laughter to pass around the table and Morgan shook his head at me.

“Alright. You just reserve your judgement for now. You’re gonna eat your words.” He argued, throwing a menu at me insistently.

Flipping through the pages of the menu, I was overwhelmed by choices. Though I’d experienced a few months of living in the States as a teenager and had actually spent the first four years of my life here, I considered myself proudly British at heart. I knew that the lifestyle was going to be the hardest adaptation for me to make.

With little other options that felt familiar, I ordered a grilled sandwich with fries and an ice tea, with Morgan raising a brow at me judgmentally for somehow slipping tea into my meal.

“So, Alice. Do you know anyone here other than us?” JJ asked, moving the conversation away from the British vs American war that Morgan and I had begun. “I heard that you’ve got family in the area?”

“Well, I’ve got Ricky, as you know. He is starting his second year at the University of Virginia, so he’s really local. Then I have two aunts in Florida and my grandma in New York. Plus, my dad who is on the West Coast somewhere, I think?” I listed openly, realising as I got to the end that I wasn't exactly sure where my flaky father was living at the moment.

“You’re not in touch with your dad?” Morgan investigated, studying me with an obvious curiosity and I shuffled awkwardly in my seat.

“Is it that obvious?” I chuckled under my breath, attempting to make light of it and I noticed Penelope out of the corner of my eye gesturing at him to drop his line of questioning. “He has a habit of moving from one fancy apartment to another in various superficial cities along the coast. He’s still out there chasing his Hugh Hefner, playboy dream.” I clarified, attempting not to cause them all to feel that I was shutting them out from the details of my life so soon, but Penelope dove in to change the topic.

“I actually made you something to help you to get situated.” She announced, dropping a large binder onto the table that caused me to stare back at her in confusion. “This bad boy has all of the details for local laundromats, gyms, take outs and everything else that you could possibly need, all based on our personal recommendations. I know that it can be hard to get into the swing of things in a new place, let alone a new country, so hopefully this makes that process a little less daunting for you.” She smiled and as I scanned the faces of the team around the table, I could tell that they had each contributed to this.

“That is so considerate!” I breathed, taking a quick flick through the pages with amazement and it was easy to tell how much work had gone into creating it. “Thank you so much. I honestly can’t even tell you how much this is going to help.”

“We’re here for you, Alice. We’re a team.” Spencer emphasised, meeting my eyes with a kind smile and my heart felt full at the sight of it.

[flaine1996]

Mass Effect: Reclamation

Chapter 2: SSV AIN JALUT

Summary: SSV AIN JALUT was about to lose a crew member but open doors for Shepard. Will she take it?

SSV Ain Jalut wasn’t a big ship. More of a prototype stealth frigate that had focused its attention on patrolling around the Terminus system. Looking for criminals such as batarian pirates, to be exact. A crew of 24. 23 actually, if the Captain had anything to say about it.

“Can you repeat that, sir?” Shepard asked. She stood in the Captain’s office, sleek and modern. His metal desk encompassed only a corner of his room and the bed hidden away at the far back. A compact and small room fitting for any Captain. Captain Hendrickson wasn’t a bad man nor a very strict one. He was kind and genuine to his crew, the only exception being Shepard. He had a particular distaste for her. Not that she could exactly blame him, not with her track record.

“Have you gone deaf? Maybe military life doesn’t suit you,” The Captain bitterly responded. He placed the datapad on his desk. He was taller than her by just a few inches. It gave him the false sensation of being imposing. He continued, “You're being transferred to another ship. Thank heavens.”

Shepard grinded her teeth together. She knew if she kept it up she’d dislocate her jaw, “sir, I do not see good reason-”

“You have disobeyed direct orders. Not just once. Not just twice. In every goddamn mission,” the Captain bluntly stated, “I do not need a gung-ho trigger happy novice, who can’t follow a single damned word! Because of you we lost a boy’s life!”

Shepard clamped her mouth shut as the Captain stared her down. Shepard knew she lost. Despite her reasons, she knew Captain Hendrickson wouldn’t understand. Not even her ground commander did and whatever he reported about her, soured the Captain's opinion of her even more. She earned her reputation on Torfan even when it followed her like a plague. It didn’t help her case that her attitude in general was that of a raging krogan but she wasn’t here to coddle people. She was here to finish the war that was waged, to do what was necessary to destroy all criminal activity near any human colony, particularly any batarian activity. Mindoir would never happen again. Not as long as she breathed.

But no one saw it the way she did. Everyone in the Alliance had as much of a spine as a hanar and the intelligence of a pyjak except for a select few. Like Captain Anderson and begrudgingly Admiral Hackett. Nonetheless, Captain Hendrickson was not one of them. She listened to him drone on and on about being a proper marine about what it takes without sacrificing what made one human. Shepard had long ago lost the meaning of that word. Only doing everything that was necessary to achieve her goals, why Anderson had been so worried about her. Shepard had no longer needed her name, Ezner. She was no longer human. It just took Torfan to have made her realize that.

“--stationed under the Command of Captain Anderson. You should thank whatever hell you spawned out of to be allowed to serve under such a grand and outstanding man,” Captain Hendrickson remarked with appreciation and respect coating his voice.

“Sir, There must be some kind of mistake,” Shepard said in disbelief as she came to from her musings. She knew Captain Anderson very well, after all he had saved her from the rubble in Mindoir and has been a mentor figure to her for most of her career in the Alliance. But being stationed under him was never any plan of hers and was an unwelcome surprise.

“Do you really think I’d deliver this news to you if I wasn’t sure, Lieutenant? Even I believe you don’t deserve it, but the brass has deemed it to be so. We will be dropping you onto the Citadel,” Captain Hendrickson replied, irritated.

“Why the Citadel, sir, and not Arcturus,” Shepard genuinely asked. The last she heard about Anderson was that he was still on Arcturus training some recruits for a classified program he tried to recruit her in. She firmly declined and the conversation ended after that. She knew Anderson respected her wishes and would not pursue the matter especially when Shepard didn’t want to be associated with him. Not that she didn’t have great respect for the man, quite the opposite. Anderson didn’t deserve to waste any more time on her.

Captain Hendrickson gave her a pointed look, “Anderson and his ship have docked there. Now if you're done questioning my every order, gather your gear and get. The. Hell. Out. Of. My. Ship.”

Captain Hendrickson ordered as he pointed to the door. Shepard glared at him a minute longer before saluting and then making her way out. She saw in the corner of her eye that Captain Hendrickson was about to drink from his cup. When a soft blue hue enveloped it causing it to miss the Captain’s mouth, spilling all over him, “fuck!” Ezner heard as she left him to his own devices.

As she walked the halls filled with other marines to reach her locker, they all had something to say about her.

“The butcher is finally leaving.”

“Thank fucking God.”

“Murderer.”

“War criminal.”

“We don’t have to worry about her incompetence getting us all killed.”

“Good fucking riddance.”

Read more at AO3.

[hunnybadgerv]

Hold On | Mass Effect | Guardians in the Darkness | Nyx Shepard x Kaidan Alenko

Summary: Nyx tries to apply some reason to the changes in their rekindled relationship and that she remembers of their last chance at the free expression of how they felt for one another.

a/n: This was supposed to be a smutty little thing for @painterofhorizons, then Nyx and Kaidan got all feelsy on me.

Read on AO3

Hold On

The hot water dribbled over his shoulders and down his back in speeding rivulets. Nyx wondered if she’d ever really get used to the sight—Kaidan Alenko in her shower, in her bed, in her life, again. It hadn’t felt like this the last time. Those few weeks of leave on Earth, holed up in his apartment, invading his home and his life. It became so easy. A peck good morning then a run that turned into a race back to be the first to get into the shower. Sometimes negotiations were involved as who got there first. Almost every time they ended up in a stalemate, making out under the waterfall of hot water—hands teasing as much as washing.

Nyx patted her cheek and chin with the towel she held up in front of her, remembering how she would just waltz across the room and fall onto his sofa. She would drape her legs along the cushions and prop her feet in his lap as they read the few reports that filtered into their inboxes during the repair and resupply of the Normandy. She never saw it ending, even knowing that it couldn’t stay just like that. She had basked in the comfort and relative normalcy of it, of having him right there whenever she turned around, of them having the chance to just be them, together.

Kaidan still ameliorated the chaos. And together they were moving toward hale and cozy in this new chance at a relationship, but she didn’t find the same kind of calm they had when it felt like they had all the time in the world.

Maybe that’s it, she wondered as she smiled at him.

He’d looked over at her and caught her ogling him. Kaidan smirked and kept his warm gaze on her as she mostly just stared back at him; Nyx didn’t even make a play at drying off or having anything better to do than look at him.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked, grabbing the shampoo off the inset shelf near the water controls.

“Trying to figure out why I can’t take my eyes off you.”

He smiled at her again. “Well, rumor has it I’m a rather handsome gentleman.”

“That’s truth, not a rumor, hon.” Shepard managed to turn and actually moved to drape the towel around her, finally breaking eye contact with him as she fussed with the corner and tried to tuck it tight enough to hold itself up.

He chuckled at her, tipping his head back to rinse the shimmery suds from his salted black hair. Complete hard, honest truth. Her mind distracted itself again by the subtle hints of difference between then and now—her hazy memories and the reality of the man standing before her.

Nyx traced her index finger through the condensation on the counter. “It’s not the same as in Vancouver,” she finally admitted.

He’d been reaching for the knob when their eyes locked in the mirror’s reflection. When he turned it, the bathroom was bathed in a near deafening silence. She watched him still. Observed the way he pushed the towel through his hair then down his chest as he closed the distance between them with drippy, sloshing footsteps. Tucking his towel around his waist, he never dropped her gaze. Not even when he stood right behind her. Even then it didn’t really drop so much as shift when he just turned and angled her chin to get her to look up at him.

“I hadn’t lost you yet,” he said so quietly that she thought her heart might break.

Oh, there is that, too, she remembered. That part was too easy for her to forget. It wasn’t the same for her. The attack on the Normandy bled into the attack on Lazarus Station, like no time had passed between. Even though she knew it wasn’t like that for anyone else, not him or Tali or Garrus—any of her friends and family. She couldn’t help the guilt that cropped up at once again having forgotten.

“I sold that place so fast,” he admitted, his thumb grazing her jaw.

Nyx couldn’t say anything she just stared up into his face unable to look away. He hadn’t told her that.

“Couldn’t turn around in there without seeing you.” Kaidan rested his forehead against hers. A gruff sound played in his throat. “You’d only been there two damn weeks and you were everywhere.”

Again her voice failed her, her throat too tight to even contemplate anything more than breathing. Besides, what could she really say. All she could manage was tilting her chin enough to brush her lips against his. Her hand cupped his cheek as she closed her eyes and kissed him again. It was the only solid communication she could muster in the moment, the only apology, the only comfort.

Finally, she found her voice again. “I thought maybe—” she started but she didn’t know how to say it, not without being blunt and impolitic. “With all this. The threat. I mean. This might be the last moment we have.”

“Damn, Nyx.”

“There were a lot of things I didn’t get to say … before.” The last word came out smaller.

Kaidan just stared at her, his hands tightening on her hips like he might somehow be able to keep her from drifting off into space if something happened right in that moment.

“But it wasn’t because I didn’t have the chance,” she argued, staring up at him like somehow the words falling from her mouth could change the past. “I just … I thought—”

“There’d be more time,” he answered, finishing the thought that got stuck in her throat.

The curve on her lips showcased the traces of anguish that still twisted deep in her chest. “I keep wondering why I stare every time I look at you, like I’m trying to memorize every angle, every curve. Why I can’t not touch you when you’re near. Why I need to hold you so close and so tight all the time. I wondered if it was the Reapers, the inevitability of … all of it. I mean—”

Kaidan’s mouth landed on hers. It was less a kiss and more just away to stop everything for a second—her mind, her voice. The quiver in his lips told her more than she really wanted to think about. Eventually, the silencing technique evolved into a proper kiss, one brimming with desperation and passion. His embrace crushed her to him; Nyx didn’t want him to let up, she welcomed this pressure. Maybe an anxious little piece of her hoped that they could anchor one another right in that spot long enough to hold back time and steal a moment from the universe, a moment all their own.

Like all moorings, their embrace could bear no permanence. Inch by inch, in increments, they shifted apart, trading a tight grip for gentle caresses. Desperate kisses gave way to delicate longing.

“I don’t want to talk about the Reapers,” Kaidan whispered against her mouth. “Not here. Not now.” His hands curled her damp hair behind her ears; his fingertips traced the line of her jaw. “I only get you all to myself for a little while. And I don’t want to spend it talking about the war.”

Nyx nodded. She understood, seconded that opinion, even. Her head tipped back to meet his kiss when he leaned closer. She had to rise onto her tiptoes in order to drape her arms over his broad shoulders.

Grazing her neck in their retreat, his hands dropped from her face. He grabbed her bottom and used the counter for leverage to get her off her feet. There was no hesitation in the way she wrapped her legs around his hips, locking her ankles at the base of his spine. The bathroom door swished open, the warm humidity giving way to the dry chill air of her quarters. He knew the route by heart, which was lucky because she wasn’t about to miss one kiss along the way.

The tight squeeze of his arms around her waist inspired her to loosen her leg lock on his torso and she stood up on the edge of the bed. It changed the angle of their kiss, giving her a rare moment of height advantage. She kissed him, smiling against his mouth as she held his face in both her hands.

“There is something to be said for being taller,” she teased.

Kaidan chuckled at her. His hands smoothed down her hips to the edge of the towel. The gentlest of tugs was all it took to dislodge it. She gave him a chastising look when it pooled around her feet on the corner of the bed.

“That it does,” he hummed in agreement glancing down at her chest which was just about even with his mouth.

Her grip on his cheeks tightened when he moved toward her skin. “Ah, ah, ah.”

Kaidan’s hands moved with purpose, dropping his own towel then scooping her legs out from under her and back into his arms. After a few steps on his knees, he laid her gently on the bed like some kind of princess, at least that’s how it made Nyx feel. He was careful with her, treated her as if she were delicate and precious despite the fact she’d proven over and over in her life just how tough, how unbreakable, and how strong she was.

Of course, he didn’t need her to be strong for him. He always seemed to be the one who was strong for her. Nyx kissed him harder. Only letting it break long enough for the two of them to wrangle the sheets down and back up. Kaidan barely even had a chance to get himself covered before she pressed herself against his side, dotting his chest with soft kisses. One arm slid beneath her head, under her pillow as he cradled her closer.

A quiet hum settled in his chest as she continued to dot quick pecks and lingering open-mouthed kisses over his pecs, collarbone, and toward his neck. His fingertips danced lightly at the small of her back. A needy groan parted his lips when her hand skimmed up his thigh and slipped between them.

“So much for sleep,” he chuckled against her hairline as she stroked him again.

“Who said anything about that?” Nyx blinked up at him, and Kaidan captured her lips in a deep kiss. She shifted against his warm skin, draping her leg over his hip.

The hand at the small of her back traced the back of her thigh down to her knee, then shifted direction again as he nibbled at her lips. A soft gasp parted her pink lips when he grazed her center. “Not me,” he agreed.

He thickened in her hand and she pressed her hips toward his teasing fingers, chasing temptation. “I want you so bad,” she whispered against his chest as she nuzzled against his skin, leaving kisses here and there. “I mean always,” she admitted, blinking up at him.

“Really?” he purred, wearing a smirk.

“God, yes,” she moaned when he slipped his finger inside her. Her hips stuttered when he traced the same digit through her folds to circle her clit.

“Like, when?” he taunted, leaning forward to suck her earlobe into his mouth.

Her hips shifted in a languid rhythm, chasing his touch; her hand moved with a similar, firm pace and particular purpose. Nyx hummed, a mix of excitement and contemplation. “You and Joker were talking about vectors the other day. And when you leaned over the console …” Her eyebrows flashed upward.

“Yes?” he prompted.

Nyx grinned at him. “Well, it wasn’t your back I wanted to put my hand on.”

“Commander!” he said, feigning shock. “Are you suggesting you wanted to grab my ass on the bridge?”

She gave him a look that suggested he was close, but not quite on the mark. “It’s terrible, I know. Sometimes you flash that sweet smirk my way and the only thing I can think about is getting you out of that uniform and under me.” Nyx keened when he slipped his fingers inside her again. Kaidan held her gaze as her head tipped back with the sound.

“You clearly don’t know how inappropriately I’m thinking when you drop armor on the flight back,” his mouth closed over her throat. “When you tug that suit half off and tie the arms around your waist.”

She hummed and gripped his cock a little tighter. “You’re not the only one thinking just how easy it would be for you to push me against the wall of the shuttle and just fuck the adrenaline out of my system.”

Kaidan bit down on her shoulder hard with a low growl. Using his forearm, he positioned her leg higher on his side and shooed her hand off his cock. Her breath quivered when he pressed it against her. Her hips swirled, rubbing her clit with the plump tip before Kaidan guided himself against her. He teased them both, coating himself in her wetness before he slipped into her with the slightest shift in his hips. Each stroke pressed her clit against his shaft as he pumped into her shallowly.

“I don’t think Cortez and Vega would approve,” he finally said, thrusting sharply into her and making Nyx gasp.

“Cortez might be forgiving.”

“Garrus wouldn’t,” Kaidan teased.

“Never can tell.” She rocked against his languid movements savoring the way his body moved into hers. He gripped her ass tightly, pulling her toward him each time while keeping her leg up and out of the way. “You feel amazing,” she told him, clinging to his neck like she might fall through the hull of the ship if she didn’t.

Distance was not something she wanted or needed. “You were wet so fast.”

A blush raced across her face. “Told you. It takes less than nothing to get me thinking about you in compromising positions.”

Kaidan kissed her hard. “Fuck,” he growled against her mouth. She knew he was on the edge before his rhythm went jagged; she felt that telltale stretch that telegraphed his orgasm. His hand tightened on her rear; so much so, she knew she was likely to wake up with bruises. He pulled her forward, burying himself inside her as he came. Nyx stroked his neck, while she kissed him slow and deep.

His grip on her eased as he thrusted in and out of her a few more times until he softened enough for her to lose the stimulation. Then his hand shifted, moving between her legs in as close a manner as he could mimic. He teased her clit, sliding back when her hips rocked in order to dip his fingers into her. Kissing her the whole time.

“I want to hear you come, Nyx,” he announced against her mouth when her breathing reached a fevered pitch. “You to come apart. I’ve got you.” His voice was thick with need, as his deft fingers urged her onward.

She would have liked to come with him, but even when she didn’t he never let her go without. Kaidan refused to even contemplate her being unsatisfied.

“I know,” she said, petting the back of is head as she held onto him with every ounce of strength she could manage.

“Damn, I wish I was inside you,” he groaned against her neck before biting her. She knew he wasn’t anywhere close to the end of his refractory period, and there was no way she could keep this up.

“I’m close,” she gasped against his cheek, a part of her wishing she weren’t, a part of her wishing she could hold out for those few extra minutes until she could have him inside her again. “Kaidan,” she purred. “Kiss me.”

He didn’t miss a beat, his lips were on hers and his tongue in her mouth an instant later. That hum in her throat, built to a moan. Her hips worked against his hand. Kaidan held her tight against him as he inched her toward the precipice. A wave of warm electricity washed through her limbs when the proverbial dam broke. She shuddered against him, one hand shooting to his wrist to keep him from pulling away before the sensation faded.

They finally shifted apart, both their bodies slicked in a fresh sheen of sweat. “Maybe we should have held off on the shower,” he teased, stealing a kiss from her before he flicked the sheets off of himself. “Don’t you move a muscle,” he ordered before heading to the bathroom.

“Yes, sir. Major, sir,” she replied in breathless teasing.

Kaidan shot her a playful look over his shoulder. A little voice in the back of her head kind of hoped he might make her pay for that little gibe. She bit her lip and watched him walk back across the room; it was then she realized that one of her earlier observations had been completely correct. She was trying to memorize every detail. When he knelt on the edge of the bed, she bolted upright and grabbed him by the neck to pull him into a kiss. He caught himself on one hand, which kept him from toppling onto her completely—not that Nyx would have minded at all.

He kissed her without question, entirely consumed by it as she was. Once her grip eased up, Kaidan shifted.

“Missed you, too,” he chuckled. Tenderly, he eased her legs apart and swiped the cooling wet fabric between her legs. It wasn’t a shower, but it would work. He folded it and did it again, lingering a bit longer than necessary as the pattern of the hand towel’s fabric pressed and slid against her still swollen clit. When she looked up at him, he was watching her reaction.

She smiled at him and leaned up to steal another kiss. “Kaidan?”

“Hmm?” he replied, setting the towel on the bedside table.

“Would you rub my back?”

He grinned at her and kissed her on the tip of the nose. “It’d be my pleasure.”

Nyx let him lie back against the pillows, then fitted herself against him, with her head tucked into the crook of his shoulder. The lights dimmed, and the only sound other than their breathing was the quiet barely there hum of the filters for the fish tanks. Kaidan’s fingers traced across her bare skin until he was sure she was asleep. Even so, his hand only fell still once his own sleep cycle stole his consciousness from him.