#what an absolute madlad reader is

[fuxuannie]

↳ pairing : (seperate) miles morales & pavitr prabhakar x g-neutral reader

↳ synopsis : "i think i'm inlove.." "congrats, you're the last person to know."

↳ authors note : requests by @junipershrubs & @magicdefendorwolf !! i hope you both enjoy !! sort of crack & fluff ??? this isnt super srs just some cute shenanigans :)

Way before Miles became Spiderman, you and him were a pair that couldn't be seperated. Your parents were very close with Miles' parents, leading to various different playdates and meetings with your newfound friend at the time.

Even as kids, Mr and Mrs Morales plus your parents knew something was going to happen between you two when you'd get older. Whether good or bad, it was the way little Miles looked at you and continues to look at you with was something else. That little smile of absolute adoration when he sees you shine was never seen when it came to anyone else, just you, always you.

So he's confused when his parents exchange knowing glances, a smile on his mothers face and a proud one on his fathers. "So.. you're okay that I'm inlove with (name)...?"

"Miles, we knew long before you did."

"What."

He blinks a few times in disbelief, looking at Jeff who nods in confirmation. "Like.. since diapers. It was very very obvious." Miles watches as he walks over to a baby album, one that he hadn't recognized. It wasn't as big as the other ones he had seen before, but it definitely had a lot of pictures. "We were preparing for this moment."

You can imagine his confusion when the first page reads; "How Miles looks at them."

You can also imagine how embarassed he gets when he realizes its a compilation of photos of him looking at you with that love-struck expression he's always had.

"THAT'S HOW I LOOK AT (name)?!" Miles squeaks, in utter disbelief as his father chuckles at his expression. "For years, that's how you've looked at them. Have you seriously not noticed??" Jeff says curiously, raising a brow as he closed the book.

"..N-no? I guess.. I guess I really have been inlove with them all this time."

Rio softly ruffles his hair, still smiling all the while. "Congratulations! You're the last person to know, mi hijo."

PAVITR always thought his affection for you was simply platonic but was completely clueless to his romantic feelings since he thought of you as 'an amazing friend that I'd love to spend my whole life with'

At some point, during a conversation with Hobie and Gwen, the topic shifts to the relationship of him and you.. mostly on how you're doing.

"Oh! Me and (name) are doing great! Actually, their beauty continues to blossom more and more everyday! Their laugh is still as sweet as a song, and their smile?? It's like they get prettier every time I see them!"

Hobie blinks in disbelief, the biscuit in Gwens mouth fell out because of how her jaw that could've probably fall to the floor if it was possible.

"...You guys are just friends, right?"

"Do we seem like something else?"

Pavitr seems just as stunned as the two of them, and Hobie chuckles and puts his hand on his best friends shoulders.

"A'right, Pav. You're really feelin' nothin' a little.. special for this lil friend of yours?" He raises a brow, watching the indian Spiderman nod his head.

"Nooothin'?"

"Nothing! Nothing super strange anyway."

"So if they were to ask you to date 'em right now, would you decline?"

"No! I like them quite a lot so I'd say that-"

Hobie looks him dead in the eye, squeezing his shoulder to cut him off and a dead serious look as he wants Pavitr to reflect on his answer.

"You...?"

"Like them!"

...

"...Ohhhhh."

"This madlad..."

[cleromancy]

some people in comics fandom are ludicrously well read and will do absolute madlad stunts like deep reads of every teen titans, new teen titans, new titans, team titans, teen titans again, adjectiveless titans, titans academy, titans east, titans west, titans in, titans out, titans you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, etc, and then they retain this information. and it is an awe worthy thing that they do this. but this is not something that everyone can do or should try to do because we are truly just here to have fun. this type of reader does this bc they enjoy it! not everyone does and if they don't they shouldnt do it. fandom should not be homework.

so ideally a fandom community can just be everyone reading... pretty much only the comics that they want to, and all of us filling in other peoples knowledge gaps. you can have people who only liked one of the cartoons or the webtoons, people who only want to read comics which are really really good, people such as myself who are very knowledgeable on their handful of little freaks but with conditions, people who are *experts* on one specific long-running character with 383829393 appearances ever like dick grayson or selina kyle, and then you have the type of person who has read so so many comics but didnt necessarily retain all that much... you get all types. but none of us even the most voracious reader can possibly know and recall everything about every character in the entire dcu. and on top of that you have people who are *new* to comics and maybe dont even know what type they are yet but still want to write while they try reading to figure that out, bc writing and reading are two very different activities that scratch different brain itches and also, there will never be a point where you've definitively Done Enough Reading to be allowed to participate jn fandom. (particularly bc some writers at dc will be handed a character to write and admit they havent read anything they were in before. please don't hold fans to a higher standard than the people whose jobs this is supposed to be.)

so this is why we should fill in the gaps for each other without judgement and ideally you could just go to your buddy from a young justice server who knows everything about the flash family there is to know but ONLY if bart allen was impulse or kid flash at the time, and ask them if you screwed up anything about the speed force. and theyll probably say that youre probably fine BUT they know somebody who has read every dc comic where max Mercury jay garrick or johnny quick ever appeared or were mentioned and would you like to ask them. you know?

[selfwriting-sugarquills]

Heat in the rain pt. 3: One of those job things.

(Oof, we’re getting into the fluff now! Also, slightly unrelated but: I have a headcanon that the twins drink an absurd amount of coffee, that’s all - Hope you enjoy it! xxx) 

Parts: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 

Description: Reader decides they should get “one of those job things” (points if you get the reference- well I did use the gif so it shouldn’t be hard lol), and heads out, while she’s gone Fred urges George to confess his feelings. 

Warnings: None, just a load of fluff

Word count: 2257

 It was ten-thirty am on Sunday when the twins shuffled out of George’s bedroom looking tired. You were already sitting in the kitchen, drinking a cup of tea while reading a newspaper, before you sat a stack of three other newspapers, all open on the same pages, 

“Morning,” Fred yawned, scratching his hair lazily, he beelined for the fridge whilst George headed for the kettle, making himself a cup of coffee. He took a sip and sat down beside you, 

“What are you up to?” He asked, his voice gravely and sleepy, he rubbed his eyes as he squinted at the pages, 

“Are those job articles?” He asked, scooting closer to you, you smiled at him, 

“I figured I should get a job as well, make some money, get back on my feet” You took a sip of your tea, Fred pulled out his wand and behind him, eggs started cracking themselves into the heated pan on the stove, some potatoes leftover from yesterday were being chopped by an enchanted knife and bacon was separating itself from the pack and placing itself delicately onto the pan as well, popping and sizzling with the eggs, 

“You know, Y/n, if you wanted a job, you could just ask us,” Fred said, pouring himself some coffee as well, “Yeah we’d be happy to let you help out with the shop,” George added, eyes glancing up from the newspaper he’d stolen from your pile, 

“That’s sweet, guys but I couldn’t work for you, I’m already living with you for free,” You said, “It wouldn’t be fair be take from your pay as well,” You pulled the newspaper a little closer to you, 

“besides,” You pointed to the newspapers, “There are some pretty good jobs out there, I think,” 

Fred walked over beside you, looking over the black and white pages, 

“Like what? window cleaning?” Fred asked, grinning, “or dog walking?” he broke into a laugh, 

“Well, I wasn’t gonna pick those,” You said, slapping Fred gently on the arm, 

“Madam Malkin’s is hiring,” George said, pointing to an article in the newspaper he was reading, “That might not be too bad,” He added, grabbing a pen you circled it, 

“Thanks, George,” You said, giving him a smile, “You’re welcome,” He answered, sipping his coffee, “But if everything fails you better apply at the shop,” 

“Or just apply now, you know we’ll hire you immediately,” Fred said, scooping some eggs and bacon onto a plate, “Out of the question!�� you said, downing the last sip of your tea and standing up, “But I have to head out now, I have to write a killer resumé without mentioning that I have zero experience,” you explained as you headed towards the door, collecting your jacket, George stared at you tying your shoes, 

“And you can’t do that here because?” He said, drawing out the last word, you beamed up at him slightly mischievously, he didn’t let it show, but something inside his chest squirmed when you looked at him like that, “Because,” You said, mimicking the way he’d said it, “you two won’t be working today, which means you’ll be here,” You tied a scarf around your neck as the two twins stared at you, still not getting the point by the look of their faces, “and I have learned from years of trying to study with you two that you can’t be quiet for more than five minutes, so: I’m going to a more quiet place,” finally, you grabbed your bag. 

Fred frowned a little, then said, “Fair point,” smirking behind his coffee cup. 

“What about breakfast?” George asked, 

“I’ve already eaten, I was up at 7,” You said, causing them both to gawk at you like you’d grown a second head, 

“Okay,” Said Fred, swirling the coffee around in his cup with a frown, looking like he was trying to solve a riddle, “Why?” He then asked, looking up at you, 

“Believe it or not, Freddie, some of us like to get up before noon,” 

“Us meaning you and all the roosters in England, I suppose,” Fred laughed, George joining in, 

Chuckling a little as well, you opened the door, 

“Enjoy your Sunday!” You yelled behind you as you stepped out onto the stairs. 

*** 

Walking down Diagon Alley, you glanced at the storefronts as you passed them by, taking in the fresh winter air. It was a busy scene, which wasn’t unusual, however with Christmas coming, it was even more crowded than usual. You walked for a while, trying to find somewhere that would be quiet enough for you to work out your essay, you’d figured a library at first, but you didn’t feel like walking all that far, you stopped in front of a small café, looking through the windows, something about the warm lights, plants and the various other small trinkets drew you in. 

Stepping inside you sighed quietly as you were taken out of the cold and instead stood in the warm, coffee-filled, air. A woman behind the counter greeted you, then moved on to make someone else’s drink, you eyed the menu hanging on the wall for a bit, then something caught your eye, a small note was stood on the counter, 

“Looking for baristas to work Wednesday-Sunday, 

if interested, please ask after Beatrice.” 

“Can I help you?” The woman behind the counter said, you glanced at her name tag and saw that she was the Beatrice mentioned on the note, 

“Uhm yeah, I’m looking for a job and I was wondering if you’re still hiring?” The words slipped out of your mouth almost automatically, Beatrice’s lips split into a warm smile, 

“Sure, when can you start?” She asked you blinked, 

“Erh, don’t you have to interview me first?” You asked, Beatrice, grinned even wider, “I probably should but truth be told I hate job interviews, too formal,” She explained, “How do you like your coffee?” She asked. You took a moment to think, this was all happening very fast, however, Beatrice had that kind of warm, welcoming energy about her, so you decided to go along with it, 

“Uhm, can you make me a flat white, please?” you said the first thing your eyes saw on the menu, your voice still slightly timid, “Sure thing,” Beatrice said, beginning to scoop some coffee powder into a small cup, you noticed how she didn’t use magic to prepare the coffee, she looked up at you and seemed to notice your slightly questioning look, 

“My mother was a muggle, she owned a coffee shop too,” Beatrice pulled what looked like a small lever, “-and even after she married my dad she swore that coffee tasted better when it was made by hand, even if magic is faster,” She explained, a look of fondness in her brown eyes, “And I have to say that I agree,” She chuckled a little, pouring some milk into the cup and handing it to you, “There you go, now let’s go over there and we can talk a little, not an interview though, just a conversation,” She said, chuckling again at the last bit, you smiled as you followed her to a comfortable corner of the café. 

***

In the shop, the twins were in the very back of their store, having been bored upstairs, so now, they were stacking boxes onto shelves and unboxing others, placing their content onto a small cart, meant for restocking the shelves in the storefront, 

“So,” Fred said, opening a box, 

“So?” George said, stacking a few boxes on Wonder Witch onto the cart, 

“Are you gonna tell her how you feel soon?” Fred asked frankly, George paused, put down the boxes and spun around meeting his brother’s grinning face, “What do you mean?” George said. He knew exactly what Fred meant.  

“C’mon Georgie, you’re not still pretending that you don’t love her, are you?” 

“I never pretended anything,” George said, sulking a little, 

“Oh sure,” Said Fred, a smirk growing on his face as he turned around and opened another box, “And you two never left the yule ball early to snog in the common room either,” He said, the immediate silence from his twin told Fred that he’d struck gold, 

“How do you know about that?” George’s voice asked Fred, who still had his back turned to him, Fred strained not to laugh, 

“I have my sources,” Fred said mysteriously, still stifling a laugh, George went back to the pink boxes, then regretted doing so. He knew damn well that those products were inspired by you, as you’d given them the idea for it at breakfast one morning, he remembered clearly how he and Fred had been exhausted from trying to come up with new ideas, and for the first time in a long time, with little luck, he still remembered how his stomach had done a somersault when your e/c eyes met his and asked, 

“Why don’t you try and make something for girls? like, colour changing mascara or something?” You hadn’t been trying to look pretty when you’d said it, mouth half-full of toast, but to George, you’d looked so gorgeous as you sat there, bathed in the morning light, streaming in through the big windows in the Great hall, he’d had to stop himself from leaning over the table and pressing lips to yours, 

“I don’t think she feels that way about me,” George heard himself say, his eyes still fixed on the boxes, 

“If she didn’t then why did she agree to ditch her actual date to the ball, sneaking off to snog you?” Fred asked, glancing at his brother, who still seemed fixated on the boxes, Fred came to a halt as well and turned to face his brother again, 

“George, I’m pretty sure there’s a reason she came here, and I’m pretty sure that reason revolves around you,” Fred said in an unusually quiet manner, “The worst that can happen is that she says she doesn’t like you in that way, and even then, she’ll still be your friend,” 

“We don’t know that” Said George hopelessly, Fred took a step towards him, 

“We do know that, George, otherwise she wouldn’t be here in the first place,” Fred clasped a hand onto George’s shoulder, “You just have to buck up some courage and grow a pair,” He said, George looked at him, looking a little too beaten down for Fred’s taste, “And then what?” He asked quietly, causing Fred to laugh, “Tell her, mate.” 

***

Exiting the café you felt positively euphoric, Beatrice turned out to be the nicest, calmest and most charming person you could have ever imagined as a boss, during your talk she’d introduced herself as a single mother of a young son, who was starting pre-school soon, hence why she needed some extra hands, who loved everything coffee related, though her secret obsession was baking, she’d laughed when she’d told you how much time she spent watching muggle baking shows, besides owning the shop, she’d always wanted to go on a tour of France, visiting various hotspots for cuisine and wine. When it had been your turn to speak, you’d told her everything, feeling safe in the little nook of the coffee shop amongst pillows, blankets and flowers, she hadn’t spoken when you’d told her about your whole situation with the war and your parents, she’d simply put a warm, soft hand on top of your own as a tear slipped down your face. All in all: She’d proven to be a fantastic person. You were pretty sure, as you turned a corner, heading towards the twins’ shop, that meeting her and getting the job there was the universe trying to make up for the many misfortunes that had hit you in the past half-year. 

Walking into the flat you were met by George, who seemed to be doing some of the accounting work that came with owning the shop, he glanced up at you and gave you smile, 

“How was writing?” He asked as you shrugged off your coat, “Well, not that great, since I didn’t write a resumé at all, however,” You said, walking up to him, “I got a job instead!” You announced, beaming at the redhead who looked at you with raised eyebrows, “Really? that’s amazing!” He said, standing up to hug you, “I know! I start on Tuesday,” You said, wrapping your arms around George. 

There was something different about the way he hugged you, you thought, it was… slower? softer? You couldn’t really name it, but something in the way he held onto you so gingerly compared to the way he used to hug you (which you’d once described as trying to hug a bludger coming at you with full speed, same went for Fred) however he also kept his arms wrapped around you for way longer than he’d ever held onto you, well safe for one time, you blushed as you remembered suddenly all too well how the yule ball had played out for you, the feeling of George’s lips pressed against your own, his hand steadily placed on your waist, the other on your face, softly caressing your cheek with his thumb - It all came to you as he held you, his head resting on top of your own, you felt your cheeks burning. You didn’t say anything. 

What you didn’t know was that George’s mind was also racing, fleeting memories of you smiling at him, quickly touching his hands and arms to get his attention in class, hugging him tightly after winning a quidditch match, the way your hair looked in the sunlight as you came running onto the pitch to congratulate him and, of course, you kissing him in front of the fireplace in the common room, the feeling of your soft lips engulfing him, making him lose all sense of time and space. 

Fred was right, George thought,  all he had to do was tell you.

__ Taglist: @lilcutekittykat​ 

[mymainwastoocluttered]

Call of Cthulhu (Jade Leech)

Thank you for 1000 followers! Hope you enjoy the Horror Event!

NOTE: I only write for female reader but everyone is welcome to read it!

Horror Event Masterlist

Requested by a lovely Anon!

⚠️ WARNING: slight gore, depictions of falling into madness, Jade is a bit of a madlad

"You like interesting things, don't you? And yet, you surround yourself with boredom."

"A necessary evil."

"I can help you get rid of the boring."

"I require no assistance."

"A man of science, a man who longs for knowledge, don't you want to experience the exhilaration of losing?"

Jade grits his teeth, trying to keep his reactions to a minimum despite the splitting headache ravaging his consciousness. He has no idea of where he is, but also he absolutely knows. There’s far too much assaulting his eyes, and yet he stands in total darkness. He hears a million voices coming from the silence, and there is no smell to register in the thousand scents reaching his nose. Too much and nothing, at the same time.

He can feel himself slip, and he fights it with all he is.

If only he could grasp what he is.

It’s difficult to think when there’s Them and then there’s You and You are not Yours but Theirs—no. Wait. You are Jade. He is Jade. Jade Leech.

Jade Leech.

Jade.

“Jade.”

He gasps when one familiar voice reaches his existence. It is his lover’s—right, he has one of those. A love whom he loves with a love that might be more than love. That… is a poem? From her world. Right. Her world, the world of his lover. The world that is filled with poems and words and stories and—stories and stories and stories—stories about…  mythos. Mythos beyond the being to explain—or to play with, play with like a game of possibilities, humans love those, sentience loves those, the possibilities—things beyond comprehension.

Old Gods.

Jade grunts when the headache becomes a piercing drumming against his mind. The feeling of being right should be more pleasant.

“Give in. Give in. Give in give in give in givegivegivegivegivegeigevigeivegei–”

Enough.

Silence.

“Jade…”

A whimper.

Jade hears something drip. He’s in a laboratory, fascinating tools littered all over, tools and tubes and blades and glass and rubber and metal and—blood. And blood. Bloooood. BloOd.

Drip, drip, drip, drip.

He looks at the floor where the blood is forming a pool.

Drip drip drip drip

He follows the trajectory of the drops with his eyes.

Dripdripdripdrip

On top of the table, lies (Y/N). Her body opened like a science experiment, opened and held open by fascinating shiny metal tools. Blood and guts and guts and blood. Organs. Flesh. Meat. Bones. Blood. Her eyes devoid of all shine except those of betrayed tears. The pungent smell of death hits his nose the same time a sick sense of thrilled despair floods his veins in the place of his blood.

He—Jade. Jade. Jade. Jade does not need to look at his hands to know.

He knows the grip of a blade.

He knows the grip of a loss.

Jade. Jade knows the exhilaration.

Jade hates it. Hates it. Jade hates it.

“Jade!”

Retching right after waking up surely is not the normal for one Jade Leech—right, he is Jade Leech—, but crying and clinging to his girlfriend is also not normal, so he won’t put much thought into it. He does try to not grip her too tight, afraid of what his hands can do when he’s out of control.

“Jade, honey, what happened?” (Y/N) runs her fingers through his hair, and he’s back at existing within the limits of comprehension.

In a soft voice, he tells her his experience, not daring to leave out even the most disturbing detail, and he is pleased when she keeps her ministrations without so much as flinching. Once he’s done, she confirms that he probably just got messed with by an Old God, and explains the concept of cosmic terrors beyond reality once again to make sure they’re on the same page. Then she goes on to talk about games and game lore and how they shouldn’t be there nor should Jade be seeing things so early in the game and Jade can tell it is relevant information he should be paying attention to, but instead he retreats to his thoughts and organizes what he knows about Old Gods, trying to look for weaknesses.

After all, more interesting than experiencing the death of his lover, Jade muses, would be to kill a god.

[young-dumb-and-vaccinated]

The Sommelier (Hannigram x Female!Reader) pt. 5

More people said yes to Hannigram, which is good because Will is already involved in the plot and it would be awkward to have him just disappear. Also, I had someone request a Hannigram x reader in my asks. Apologies to the one person who voted no; I promise there will be more solo Hannibal x reader content in the future.

Hannibal decides to that y/n could do with some extra protection, but doesn’t anticipate what she has to tell him.

I have no idea how to make a proper tag list but @deadman-inc-bikeshop and @dovahdokren here you go 

Trigger warnings: discussions of alcohol, victim blaming

“When I saw his face, I immediately knew he had never once experienced the touch of his own hand, let alone that of a woman.” Charissa read out loud to everyone on staff. “Or, that he was buried so deep in the closet he found Narnia, but those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.” 

It was expected to be a slow night, as was normal for an ordinary Tuesday. On nights like those, you could get away with more, like reading a tabloid article out loud for everyone to hear. 

“I can’t believe [F/N] actually went public.” One of the new busboys commented. “What an absolute madlad.”  

“Did you just unironically use reddit terminology in an actual conversation?” You narrowed your eyes at the kid. 

“[F/N], you are making a very dangerous enemy.” An older waitress said, cryptically, from the corner of the room. 

“Who, Jason?” You gestured to the busboy. “What’s he gonna do? Make me cringe myself to death?” 

“You know that’s not who I mean.” She frowned. “I’m talking about Chase Mulvaney.” 

“Don’t be ridiculous.” You shook your head. “He’s not stupid enough to come back here.” 

Charissa made a noise that denoted her doubt. “I dunno, [F/N]. You’d have to be pretty stupid to start stabbing people at a crowded restaurant in broad daylight.” 

“But he was smart enough to get away, right?” Jason asked. “That’s gotta count for something!” 

You and Charissa exchanged glances. Neither of you had the emotional bandwidth to explain white privilege again. Instead, you just humored him. 

“Yeah.” Charissa lied. “He was smart enough to get away, meaning he probably knows better than to come back.”

"You're kidding yourself." A third waitress, who's name you couldn't seem to place, added. "People always say that killers are these galaxy-brained superhumans, but they're not. Mulvaney believes he's divinely ordained, so any thought that pops into his coked-out head is a sign from god."

And so shattered your thin firmament of denial. You made a point to never learn this person's name just out of spite.

“Oh, shit.” You said, trying to hide your genuine fear with a sarcastic voice. “Maybe he is coming back for me.” 

Charissa glared at the two other waitresses, equally pissed at them for scaring you.

"And it'll be your own fault for provoking him with that article." The older waitress said.

"Holy victim-blaming, batman." You mumbled.

“Alright, listen up, y’all.” Matthew announced to the group. “In ten minutes we open for dinner. Remember, if you want to switch shifts with another person, you have to run it by me first. I don’t want to see anybody but [F/N] at the bar tonight, capiche?”

“Yessir.” You saluted him and made your way over to the bar. You’d been doling out your bartending shifts left and right to avoid even the possibility of being cornered by another Freddie Lounds. You were only prolonging the inevitable, though. Eventually, you needed to return to the bar.

You passed the hostess's stand, where Charissa was stationed. Suddenly, you felt someone grab at your arm.

"Fucking hell, dude?!" You flinched violently and your heart rate jumped. "Don't do that!"

"Shit, sorry!" Charissa looked immediately regretful. "But, look!"

You followed her gaze through the window where a fancy car was parked. He leaned against the door, adjusting the cuffs of his dress shirt.

Now your heart was beating fast for a completely different reason. You squeezed Charissa's hand, trying to keep a lid on your nervous excitement.

"I think your luck's starting to turn." She said in a sing-songy voice.

"Yeah, I bet he'll protect me from the Baltimore Butcher." You whispered, trying not to giggle like an elementary school girl.

"Oh, could you imagine those arms around you?" She sighed deeply, her hand firmly against her chest. "I would die."

"Not until he sinks his teeth into your neck." You smirked, gnashing your teeth together.

"I would let him." She rested her chin on her hand.

"Yeah, me too." You agreed.

"I would give anything to trade shifts with you." Charissa groaned.

"Well, you heard the boss." You shrugged, suddenly feeling much better about your assignment. "I gotta stay behind the bar."

"Oh, pobrecita." Charissa rolled her eyes. Underneath the stand, she put up her middle finger in your direction. "Suck a dick, [L/N]."

You walked backwards towards the bar, keeping your eyes on your friend. "That's the plan, baby."

You tried to make yourself look busy. You dared not look at him as he entered the restaurant.

He exchanged pleasantries with Charissa then took his seat at the bar. You pretended not to notice him right away, only to give you an extra second to compose yourself.

"Hi there." You greeted, knowing you'd feel stupid no matter what you said. "Er- good evening."

"[F/N] [L/N], I assume?" He asked.

Fuck, you thought. His voice was dark, low and made your insides tremble. Even though part of you knew he was going to know your name, it still felt so sensual passing his lips.

You realized you had waved to him with your bandaged hand. That's how he was about to identify you so quickly. "Yes, I am she. I mean- her. Me."

Way to go, dumbass. You thought. Now he knows you're nervous and he's going to wonder why.

“God, I need to stop wearing this damn thing.” You said, clearing your throat. “What can I get for you tonight?” 

He was quiet for a moment. "What do you recommend?"

"Well, that depends." You said, pulling your gaze from him and grabbing a few wine glasses down from a high shelf. It was the only way you could maintain your composure.

"On?"

"What you're having for dinner, for one." You said. "And whether or not you're a vulpine tabloid journalist trying to corner me into a dubiously ethical interview. That's also a factor."

"So that's how Miss Lounds wore you down?" He concluded. "With wine?"

You rested your elbows on the bar, filled with an intoxicating confidence. "She tried wine first. Then she tried to get me fired because she asked for chardonnay and I brought her chablis. And when that didn't work, she siphoned my gas."

"I wish I could say that was out of character for her." He looked at you, apologetically.

"I take it you've had your own run-ins with Freddie?" You smiled.

"She's tried to infiltrate my practice multiple times." He sighed. "She's entered my office under a fake name with a recording device in her purse."

"What a sick fuck." You said, before remembering you really weren't supposed to curse in front of customers. You covered your mouth. "Sorry."

The corners of his mouth turned up into an amused smile. "Don't apologize. You're right."

“So you’re a doctor?” You asked, hoping he wasn’t the type to be offended by questions. 

“I’m a psychiatrist.” He nodded. “I used to work as a surgeon, but I find the mind much more compelling.” 

"Seriously, though." You pushed yourself back to your feet. "What can I get for you?"

He eyed the wine menu and then looked back at you. "What is your favorite red?"

"My favorite red?" You placed your hand on your collarbones. "On a night like this, I enjoy a nice, dry Argentinean Malbec."

"In that case," he thumbed through the list once more. "I'll have a bottle of Cobos Chañares from 2016, please."

You smiled. You wouldn't mind taking a sip of that if he offered. "Right away."

You carefully pulled the solid black bottle from its crevice and placed it on the bar. You removed the plastic seal and reached for the corkscrew. The bottle opened with a satisfying pop, filling the air around you with the strong, complex and seemingly contradictory aromas.

You poured a bit of this criminally expensive wine into his glass. He smelled it, then swirled it for a moment before taking a sip.

"Redcurrants and vanilla," he began. "With floral notes that operate with the precision of interlocking gears in a clock. Everything in its place."

"So you're a sommelier and a poet?" You tilted your head and filled his glass. "I'll bet you make women swoon at every corner."

You never had the best grasp on flirting, but even you knew that line was awful.

“Are you flirting with me, Miss [L/N]?” He asked, clearly not too worried about the consequences and enjoying the flattery. “Or are you just trying to get a taste of this Malbec?” 

“Little bit of column A, little bit of column B.” You shrugged. “Though you are as handsome as everyone says, I’ve had my eyes on that wine for slightly longer.” 

You fought the urge to slap your hand over your mouth. You had just broken the cardinal rule of workplace gossip. Panic reverberated through your body as you tried to break down his unreadable expression. 

Once again, he just looked amused. “I’ve seen those lingering glances, the way you all whisper and giggle. It’s flattering.” 

You felt your cheeks growing hot. “...I see.” 

“If you tell me what they say about me, I’ll let you have a taste.” His eyes bored into yours. 

You paused, trying to decipher exactly what he was offering. Then it hit you. 

“Oh!” You interjected. “The wine.” 

“Yes, that’s what I meant.” He said. “Dare I ask where your mind went?” 

Your cheeks stung from all the uncomfortable smiling. “I’d really like to keep my job, thanks.” 

“Have you never heard of bartender-client confidentiality?” His voice lowered and his eyes found your lips. “Nothing we say tonight has to leave these four walls.” 

Your insides turned to jelly. He rested the wine glass in his hand and offered it to you. Your hands shaking, you cradled the glass like an 18th century French village prostitute being offered a mug of hot soup. You brought the glass to your lips, the strong, overwhelming smells assaulting your orifices.

You let the wine grace your tongue. You had taught yourself to overcome the sting of the alcohol and focus on the undertones. Your eyes rolled back in to your head and you let out a little noise of pleasure. 

“Christ on a bike, that’s decadent.” You said, gasping for air a little bit. You quickly passed the glass back to him before Matthew could see you. “Thank you.” 

“Now, indulge me.” He instructed, glancing at the fresh pink lipstick mark on his glass. “What do the lovely women of Terroir whisper while I’m just out of earshot?” 

You rested your elbows on the bar and leaned in close. “They say you’re a vampire.” 

Judging by his unchanging neutral expression, it clearly wasn’t the first time someone had made that connection. “Perhaps they’re on to something.” 

“One of our line cooks used to say you were the devil.” You informed him, hoping that was one he hadn’t heard before.

“Used to?” He raised his eyebrows. 

“Until Chase Mulvaney came around.” You instinctively ran your fingers over your bandages, as if to make sure they were still there. It was a nervous tick you’d developed anytime someone brought up that day. “He’s stopped talking about, like, anything having to do with his religion ever since.” 

“It takes a lot to get an evangelist to stop evangelizing.” He refilled his glass. “Do you think he lost his faith?” 

“I heard someone say in passing that it was because he and Chase Mulvaney went to the same church.” You whispered. “But I can’t verify that.” 

“I’d say it’s more likely than a regular customer being a vampire, wouldn’t you?” 

“I wouldn’t trust their word because they made a regular customer into a vampire.” You corrected, hoping he would overlook the fact that you were one of them. “Secrets may stay within these four walls, but they tend to bounce around. It’s only a matter of time before one escapes, and you’d better hope it’s not one of yours.” 

This man must have been an exceptional therapist, because, there you were, baring your soul to him after fifteen minutes and one sip of wine. Occasionally, you were pulled away from the conversation by another customer who had the audacity to also want a drink. But, very few people came to you with the sole intent of drinking on a Tuesday evening. You and the sommelier talked until closing time. 

“Thank you for a lovely evening, Miss [L/N].” He said pulling out his wallet. “You are as delightful in person as you are on paper.” 

“Thank you, but I never caught-” you said, but stopped yourself. “I mean, you never gave me your name.” 

He signed his name on the paper check, then pulled out a fifty and unceremoniously handed it to you. “Now why would you want to ruin the mystery?” 

“Nothing we say tonight has to leave these four walls, remember?” You grinned and crossed your arms. “Come on, I won’t tell anyone.” 

He took the customer copy of the receipt and scribbled something down on it. He the folded it in half and slid it in your direction as if it contained nuclear launch codes. 

“Join me for dinner someday.” He ordered. “I’ll supply the Malbec.” 

[anxiouspotatorants]

Whoopsy daisy I made a Shadow and Bone random thoughts post:

The costumes in this show are impeccable. I was drooling over all the keftas and the ball gowns in 1.05 and the crow outfits. Hell, even the winter-camo outfits that Mal, Mikhael and Dubrov wore in 1.04 were amazing.

Am I the only one who isn’t surprised by the kruge pronounciation? Because I thought it would sound like how English people say Scandinavian words and I wasn’t wrong.

Coming in to this show as someone who had only read the Six of Crows duology, I expected to at least tolerate Malina based on the trailer clips. I kid you not: less than five minutes into the very first episode they owned my ass. That might be a new record for me.

Seriously the friendship? The pining? The finding home in each other and being able to acknowledge their faults and apologize to each other? Both of them having massive “fight me” energy and protecting each other? Hugs?? Why am I surprised that I ship this?

Some of those scene transitions/flashback edits were so good! Like I know they repeated that meadow scene a lot throughout the season, but the cuts from kid-Mal looking at the rabbit to grown up Mal psyching himself up for the fist fight? Poetic cinema.

The Darkling was horrible and I love it. He wasn’t a carbon copy villain, nor did his complexity redeem him. He was a perfectly complex and understandable monster and I am living for it. I have not been so happy to despise a character in ages and I genuinely bow in gratitude to both the writers and Ben Barnes, because I finally got to enjoy watching a character I did not for one second root for ( #writevillainswellagain)

Look I already loved Jesper in the book but his on-screen translation elevated him from a fave to the fave. I was worried that they would push him into a comedic relief-role, but he got to keep both his heart, his depth, and his humour. Kit Young did an amazing job bringing what was already a great character on page to an even greater character on screen and I once again applaud.

Am I a bit bitter that the casting had some interesting choices for certain roles (aka hiring light skin and mid-size actors for explicitly darker skin and plus-size roles)? Kind of. Do I think there are important discussions worth having about this? Yup. Do I also think that every actor hired for Shadow and Bone did an amazing job and deserve zero hate and massive amounts of love? Also yes.

I had Alexei for one episode and one episode only, and I still miss that poor sucker. This show did a surprisingly good job with making me care about a massive amount of characters considering the screen time they had and the amount of episodes this season had. Good job.

For some reason I expected Inej to be a lot more brooding based on how I perceived her in the books but I love what Amita Suman did with her. Her translation completely recontextualised everything I remember from the books and just brought this truly fresh character to life. Assassin with a conscience indeed.

Also I did love the Kaz we got in this season but I can barely contain myself as I wait for season 2 to be made and for a certain flashback to take place because that moment in the book was visceral and it stayed with me for a long time and I knew before the show announcement that this flashback could become a television moment. 

Speaking of Kaz the crows were so chaotic and messy and I’m here for it. Their interactions with each other and their improvised back-up plans were everything. I somehow didn’t expect the crows to become the comedic relief of the season but it honestly makes so much sense.

A couple episodes in I still didn’t get the Zoya hype (remember I haven’t read the books) but was a massive Genya fan. By the end of the season I was like “oh both of these girls are getting redemption arcs and I am here for it”.

Speaking of redemption I still don’t like Matthias. I’m sorry but I just don’t. I get that he is important to many and that they like his relationship with Nina, but I just don’t have the patience for him and feel like Nina can do better. I still want him to get a redemption... but maybe not through a romance with the grisha woman he repeatedly slutshames, is bigoted towards and chokes at least once (twice if that SoC scene from book 1 happens). That being said this is just how I see him, so feel what ever you feel about him and ship to your heart’s content!

Alina’s journey through this season made complete sense to me. It hurt to see certain things, but they were necessary in my eyes. Seeing her go from this essentially insecure but brave girl to a manipulated pawn to an even stronger and more self reliant girl in spite of everything was amazing. It did feel like a well-written hero’s journey and I’m looking forward to seeing where she goes next.

Apparently a lot of book-readers don’t like Mal (and I am not here to change anyone’s mind about that) but the Mal I saw on the show was amazing. I actually kind of wish we had seen more of who he was outside of his relationship to Alina (f.ex. other flashbacks than the meadow, maybe something about any of his missions while separated from Alina pre-show), but I also loved what we got of him with Alina. We still got to see a guy who was brave, stubborn, flirtatious, a bit judgemental but with a strong sense of humour, and a lot of loyalty (to Alina but also to his friends). I can hardly wait to see what’s next for him.

Milo the goat. Where do I even begin. Not only did we get that Jesper-scene, but their farewell actually became a Chekhov’s gun for Mal in 1.07? Milo is the true hero of the season.

Speaking of 1.07 I loved the tent scene between Alina and the Darkling. She both got to be realistic about her feelings for the Darkling and stand up for herself and for others and call him out. The way I interpret the Darkling, he is the kind of villain who creates a saviour narrative around himself but cares more about power than anything else. He’ll say he’s doing everything to protect his people but is the first to kill the very people he claims to love. And Alina’s tent-speech really hammered that in for me.

I adore Baghra. Is she morally dubious? Yes. Was she incredibly mean to Alina during training to the point where it might have been excessive? Yes. Did she not take any of the Darkling’s bullshit and act as the proper mentor for Alina when the Darkling had said that he was going to train her? Yes. Am I kind of a Baghra stan now? I mean maybe.

The antler-collar was so evil and gross but from a visually narrative stand point it was perfect. 

Also I still have no idea who David is but I want redemption for him too. Honestly I feel like half the supporting cast is gearing up for redemption arcs next season and I am excited for most of them.

Nina’s reaction when she hears Kaz on the boat? Priceless. Actually the whole boat scene from when she goes up on deck again to the cut back to the fold was priceless.

That being said the final scene had me even more ready for season 2.

Jesper kind of gave me messy period-fantasy James Bond? Does that make sense?

And Mal kind of gave me Lois Lane energy? As in he’s the mortal love interest that many assume is the hero/heroine’s weakness but actually functions as their emotional strength and inspiration? Am I reaching here or am I getting somewhere?

Mikhael and Dubrov. What a duo. Absolute madlads.

Also I’d like to see more Nadia if that is possible? Because the few scenes we had of her had me intrigued but then she sort of disappeared? Is she going to be important or was she just more of a temporary supporting character? 

I entered this show a casual Six of Crows fan with mild interest in Kanej and I finished this season a mess. A mess who ships Kanej and Malina and Genya with that David guy even though they had about 30 seconds of screentime together and Zoya with redemption and Jesper with main-character status (hey we’re not getting Wylan until season 2 at least) and kind of those two Ravkan army guys and Nina with anyone else and Matthias with a better redemption storyline and the Darkling with karma! Also, a mess with a whole new set of comfort characters!

[clandestineloki]

Oh gods loki guesting on the dream smp alongside reader who was already part of it-

inhales let's speedrun this headcanon like a world record-

"YESSSSSSS! DREAM YOU ABSOLUTE MADLAD!" you scream, the "user was shot by dream" screen coming up on your monitor.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT" sapnap yells. "WHERE DID HE COME FROM"

dream doesn't answer, chuckling at all your misery.

you tap a few buttons to mute, then turn to loki.

"babe come over here for a sec? how'd dream get down 50 blocks, avoid the lava, and manage to shoot me and sap the second after?"

loki hovers next to you. "no idea, darling," he pecks you on the cheek, laughing when you whine.

"like i really like it when dream does some thousand-IQ level shit but i really wanna try those parkour drops sometime."

"you're on your own, sweet."

you poke him on the forehead and the two of you laugh until-

"GEORGE IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS?" sapnap screams.

"NO SHE CAN'T POSSIBLY BE DATING LOKI"

dream adds in a whisper. "i mean i wouldn't be surprised they're both badass people-"

the chat goes wild. you look at the stream, realizing that your camera is still on.

"oh shoot-"

you quickly turn on your microphone. "why didn't you douchebags tell me?? HOW MUCH OF THAT DID YOU SEE??"

"a lot," dream replies. "anyway, oh my gosh, hi mister loki! nice to meet you!"

"pleasure's all mine," loki quips.

"HOLY- WHAT- "sapnap screams. "I KNEW IT"

"you....knew it?" you ask.

"I SAW YOU RETWEET A PICTURE OF HIM SHIRTLESS A FEW DAYS AGO"

"i do that all the time??"

"you do that all the time, hmm?" loki smirks.

goddamnit he's one of them already

[space-blue]

Dune, the mostly spoiler free review.

Spoilers will be under breaks.

Having slept on it (and since I got to bed at 4am I needed that), and having eaten enough sugar to kickstart my brain again, I can now confirm, wholeheartedly, that Dune is a masterpiece.

Hardly a hot take on the internet right now, I know. I'll say this, to start on a low note : Dune's greatest flaw is that the side characters (anyone outside of Jessica and Paul) can be left wanting development. Some non-book readers might struggle to get attached.

The film simply doesn't have time to deliver narrative, mood and emotional characters the way Fellowship of the Rings did, as I often see the film compared to LOTR. Unlike LOTR, Dune has not shot part 2, and it doesn't have enough action beats/plot beats to give you engaging character interactions for 1/3 of the story.

As a result some characters seem to be "seen in passing". Which... Bothered me a little at 3am, but has since faded. My memories turn to Jessica and how incredible Fergusson was. Absolutely show stealing. And Skarsgard!! Yeesh, the Baron Harkonnen does not need more screen time to be intimidating...

All the cast delivers. The visuals, design, costume, photography... It's clear to me everyone involved in this was at the top of their craft and giving it their all for a career turning point of a production. I even struggle to believe book 2 could land such a punch again, I mean, I've rarely been punched in the face this hard by a movie...

I mean, I'm not the type to be into spaceships or anything. I even struggle with models in the Star Wars universe and I published 58 fan fics for that fandom so... And yet in this film, hah... When the Atreides ships are introduced (you see these big transports in the trailer) I was like "No. He didn't... OMG the madlad, he did." — the music, the visuals, the scale... And then there's the thopters, and I was having moments of prescience myself, seeing actual ship/spaceship nerds rise up, foam frothing at the mouth. Modeling thopters and making videos about them for years to come.

The audio was loud, bold. The music alien. The sound mixing done so well I had a snappy thought 2min in, along the lines of "I hope Nolan sits to this film and learns something about sound mixing from this" (don't @ me, I'm still spicy about my viewing of Tenet).

In short, Dune is spectacular. It oozes with mythos and charm, feels lived in, intimidating yet beguiling. The plot is as sound as the book's the visuals are a cinema/SFF fan's wet dream, the acting and production value are stupid crazy, and the only drawback IMO — for non book readers — will be the "in passing" characters (like Raban, Piter, Gurney, Hawat... Who simply don't have the space and time to shine yet) and the ending, which is 100% "INSERT CD 2"

It feels jarring and leaves you begging for more. But book readers probably won't feel the same pang, since we can now close our eyes and image how bonkers part two can be in such visuals.

I've over-heard old french people saying it was super boring and slow and... lol I can't disagree more, but then again the trailer does market an action movie, and the film is not any more action packed than BR2049 was. When the action comes calling it's big, fast... When it isn't, the movie is moody, deliberate, and meticulous.

It won't be for everyone, but if you've so much as "enjoyed" the books, you'll be having the experience of a lifetime.

Before I delve into some mild spoilers I'd like to make a disclaimer: Denis has begged people to see Dune in cinema, and I was thinking "of course, what film maker wouldn't want people in cinema?" but also suspected he might want the numbers in order to get part 2 started.

I owe him an apology for these impure thoughts. You MUST watch Dune in cinema, not for Denis or part 2 (though, come on...), but for YOURSELF. There is not a single home cinema set up that can do justice to this film. It's the definition of why you go to the cinema for. It's epic in scale, it makes you jump at startling moments, it punches and screams at you, and makes you squint at others, and you walk out of there with a sense of having witnessed something like... To me, like Interstellar. Remember seeing that docking sequence scene in the theater and walking out being like "holy shit" ? Well Dune is very much like that. It was made for the big screen, and anything short of IMAX or Dolby ATMOS would be a disservice to both the film and yourself.

I will be seeing it in France the instant it comes out in September. It begs rewatching.

Now for some spoilery thoughts (mild spoilers, and a warning for further spoilers below).

The film takes surprisingly little time to delve on certain topics. Like the spice. Sure you're told it's important, and the economics that drive the story make it feel important, but not nearly as much as I suspected it would be. There is no clunky exposition on the topic (lol no fucking time for that!) no scene where someone shoves spice in your face and goes “oh but blah blah spice must flow”. It’s said in passing and newcomers better hold on to their seat and pay attention.

Sadly though a fair bit of the dialogue was expositional imo, and too little of it over all felt like that heart warming moment between Paul and Leto. It's not a big drawback, but since I enjoy more character driven stories, I regretted the lack of general emotional investment.

On the point of emotions though, I was taken aback by Jamis! The scene of him in the trailers "I'll show you"... creates a sort of very subtle and implied dynamic that was probably one of the biggest heart punch for me, and started driving home how dire Paul's visions can be. I suspect some viewers won't interpret it the way I did though.

THE VOICE WAS SO WELL MADE YOU GUYS!! The thopter escape scene was always a "meh, sure, they get away" moment for me in the books. Good teamwork between Paul and Jessica... But *hearing it* was a completely different business. I was at the edge of my seat, I LOVED IT.

There's also a lot of actual signing in the film! And the Sardaukar don't speak english but a super guthural language. Kind of like making a conlang merging German and the Black Speech of Mordor and giving it to a Danish to speak. Felt very cool.

The shields were just as badass as you think they'll be. The slow impact weapons are just... *chef kiss*

Finally some heavy spoilers on book story details (jihad, Muad'dib, some characters) :

There is no mentions of Jihad, but not because it's avoided. The visions of a fight Paul has are rare, and he mentions them once. At that time he says war or massacre but not Jihad. I didn't notice until I was asked.

He also doesn't chose the name Muad'Dib. If I recall that's right after killing Jamis, but doesn't happen here, even if we see the literal muad'dib in the desert. It's also fine. Those scenes were at the very end, and I felt like slamming newcomers with such a significant moment with alien language at the very end might be a mistake. I'm curious to see how it's handled in part 2 though.

I was looking forward to Piter... His role is uber minor. As much as Hawat's. Like, the Bull that killed Leto's father gets more screen time, funnily enough. There's a heavy imagery around it that's going to fuel many video essays.

[uwuprime]

May I request bayverse Optimus with a human reader?

Sure friend!! I mixed up a little grab-bag here since I wasn’t exactly sure which you wanted. :)

Bayverse!Optimus x Human!Reader

platonic

You wanna talk about feeling Warm and Safe?? This mech is how you do that the easiest, bar none.

Had a bad day and need to get away for a minute? Guess what, he’s in big-strong-guard-mech mode now. You will feel sheltered and calm and separated from your stress. No buts. There is no escape from the Protecc Mecc. This man can and will use his cab to literally put you in a little box away from your worries. Ain’t nothing getting through to you unless you want it to. 

Has an interest in human literature and WILL read books aloud. It’s absolutely entrancing. 

The same goes for music - when you travel long distances together, you can often hear him mumbling along to the radio. He has a beautiful voice.

romantic

Has definitely watched one too many hallmark movies while guarding humans. Despite appearances, he's an absolute madlad when it comes to big romantic gestures. Optimus has definitely used his holoform to purchase fancy food and gifts for you.

Uses his holoform to kiss you when he can't take his root mode and mass-displace. There is no excuse for passing up on Smooch Time. None.

You have this mech wrapped around your little finger. He doesn't mind in the slightest. Ratchet can tease him for it all he wants, this good Oppy is Happy and Sappy. :)

[supergenial]

Three Houses sucks actually

It’s been a whole month so after about 180 hours of play and doing all four routes, I thought I’d write down all the minor nitpicks that upset me about this fantastic game. Obviously spoilers ahead.

First of all, I do think it’s a great game, it’s one of my favorite fire emblem titles so far. I will not claim to be a veteran, but I have been playing since the gba games, I’ve played every game between fe6 and three houses, even fe12. I know genealogy is supposed to be GOAT but I’m holding out for a remake like I did with gaiden (and boy, waiting payed up big time on that one). Also if you love this game and think it’s perfect, that is awesome, I urge you to not read this so you don’t get upset about someone not understanding the game that you love (even though I love it too). Anyway, let’s begin:

I. The Four Routes are bad (together)

This game presents the player with a choice of 3 houses they can join, with that decision deciding which story you actually get to see. Along with Lion, Eagle and Deer, there’s also a “Church” route that is kind of lame, but not game-ruining. On their own they’re all actually pretty darn good stories. But these routes are extremely flawed. Not intrinsically, mind-you, but rather as a whole. In a game with multiple routes, you’d expect them to complement each other but instead each route actively makes the other ones actually worse. Do keep in mind that I think each route is pretty good on it’s own (even church) whichever one you pick first you will enjoy it greatly, and it will only deteriorate as you progress through the others.

Edelgard’s route is a political story of a revolutionary who wants to crush aristocracy and replace it with a meritocracy, her objective therefore is to crush the church that oversees the 3 nations. It feels like something out of shin megami tensei, she’s basically a chaos hero (which I usually hate) but with some nuance and less insane. It’s a great route! Gameplay-wise, it is my favorite, and also has the most thematic cohesion with the early game where all the students have misgivings about their noble status. Problem is it would have you believe that Dimitri has a complex ideological reason for standing up against her and protecting the church, when in reality playing his route tells you that he really has no political ideologies that he believes in (he straight up says this to Mercedes in their A support), he’s just a king defending his territory, which is really underwhelming as he has no parallels or contrasting motifs in regards to her, he’s just a dude. Another awful thing that basically everyone agrees is bad about this route is Those Who Slither in the Dark, a group that is set up as villains that have to be defeated, but instead get dealt with off-screen in the epilogue. You’d think it’s because they were lazy, and didn’t want to make a level for them, but there’s 2 routes in which you do fight them, they have their own level already in the game, it’s just not in this route. The plotline then just feels very lazy and incomplete, but even moreso once you play Claude’s route and you just... you just fight against those who slither, which is all I wanted to do at the end of Edelgard’s route. Perhaps the most disappointing route, but I happen to have an affinity for disappointment and the themes it goes for.

Dimtri’s route is a fantastic story of a broken man reclaiming his sanity. It’s the most character-driven and the most emotionally charged of the three. It’s an amazing route! Easily the best written as it picks a single theme (Dimitri’s downfall and rise) and does it extremely well instead of spreading too wide and losing focus. The ending is a bit underwhelming though. Basically everything after Dimitri recovers his humanity feels like filler, though his A supports are really amazing, all of them, making his post-feral phase worth it. The bigger problem is that this route actively sabotages the player’s enthusiasm towards playing Edelgard’s route as it paints her as the ultimate evil, the True and Only villain that has to be defeated. As such, a lot of the reaction I’ve seen online is that people who play this one first flat out refuse to play Edelgard’s route because really, why would you? She’s badbadnotgood, her sanity and reasoning are as flimsy as it gets, and she broke Dimitri’s heart when he was a kid, along with killing his entire family according to this route. You’d have to be insane to be excited to play as her, it’s something you’d only do for the sake of completionism. In the church and deer route you fight Edelgard too, but she’s presented as a well-intentioned extremist rather than an evil snake. Yes, even in the church route, the very one thing she wants to destroy!

Claude’s route on the other hand is so complete it suffers from it. It goes over every major plotline and actually solves it with very little thematic resonance between it all. Those who slide? He takes care of them. Rhea’s misdeeds? They’re acknowledged. Edelgard isn’t insane? He agrees. Who exactly was Nemesis?(the very first cutscene we’re shown!) Got it too. What is Sothis, what happened to her, why is she bound to Byleth? Got it. His route is ridiculous in that it covers too much ground and lore that could’ve been better put in the church route as it has no real thematic cohesion with Claude. He wants to end racism or something, ok cool, but he never fights any “race-realists”, none of the villains in his route are diametrically opposed to his ideals, and his final boss is a last minute diabolus ex machina with no real theme to it. It would’ve been easy to drive the point further that by beating the deadlords they’re burying the prejudices of the past and forging a new world without their literal ancestors hanging over them, but instead the scene goes for a sort of power of friendship type of feel and just rolls with that. It’s an exciting route with many hype moments, but when put together with the other ones, it feels kind of really weird that his route is basically a lore dump to fill in the lore gaps rather than a story about something.

It’s a given that in a game with 3 routes each one would tell their side of their story and be somewhat incomplete, leading the player to play all three to get the whole story. Instead these 3 routes actively try to drag each other lower instead of boosting each other higher, which is really disappointing. 

Don’t even get me started on the church route, that shouldn’t even be in the game at all. It’s the same as Claude’s route, the exact same, but without Claude. Ok so that means Seteth gets a lot of development in this route right? No, not really, he’s just kind of there. Rather than Seteth being the lord of the route it’s more like this is a lord-less route. Ghost Dimitri is a really cool scene, for sure, but outside of that seriously screw this route. You might think “well but I like Rhea, I want to be on her side”, well spoiler alert kiddo: you literally fight Rhea in this route, she’s the final boss. And you don’t get to hang out with her all that much either so forget about that. While I dislike Rhea, I think having a route for her is reasonable since that sickening mommy fetish is so popular these days so of course you’d want to pander to that audience for that sweet cash, but people who like Rhea don’t even get that because you have to actually kill her at the end (which I actually really like, it made the church route Actually Good for me, plus it’s a really fun level despite being yet another fight at Garreg Mach, more on that later). Also in this route you don’t get to see Rhea in her Seiros armor that is 10/10 hot as shit so why even bother, go play Edelgard’s route if you want to see some actually cool Rhea scenes and quotes.

edit: just been informed Rhea does live if you S-support her, kind of disappointed but ok, that’s pretty good for all who liked her and it makes sense.

II. Claude, the master tactician

“Ugh, don’t call me that”, Even he’s fed up with the title

My favorite of the three lords in the game is easily Claude but it’s pretty unfair that he survives every single route (unless you actively choose not to spare him in Edelgard’s route), whereas Dimitri and Edelgard always die outside of their routes. But that’s not the worst of him, what I hate about him is how he gets hyped up as THE MASTER STRATEGIST whenever other characters speak of him. Granted, writing a “Smart” character is hard because you have to be smart or else the readers won’t buy it, but the writers don’t even try and instead make him out to be a complete fool in almost every route (he’s actually pretty smart in the church route imo, but he’s also never seen in that one).

In his route, he does exhibit some degree of strategy and thought, devising a trap to protect Garreg Mach (by setting his allies on fire???) and doing a bit of a Trojan Horse when seizing Fort Merceus. However, if you play Dimitri’s route, Gilbert suggests doing the fire thing, and in the church route you just infiltrate Fort Merceus in the exact same way. So congratulations Claude, you’re about as smart as... Gilbert, a character that no one ever refers to as a strategic or military genius. This is another case of routes weighting down other routes, if you only play his route you think “oh yeah, he’s smart, he Trojan Horse’d the empire, what an absolute madlad”, but once you play the other routes it’s like, oh, ok, I guess that’s just meant to happen that way whichever side you choose.

Ok, maybe he’s not a genius master strategist in his story, sure, after all Byleth is the tactician so of course he’d take a back seat, but what about as an enemy commander? he’s gotta have some devious map design to back up his claim to genius, right? Wrong.

In Dimitri’s route you fight Claude and Edelgard post-timeskip at Gronder Field just like you did before the timeskip. In this battle, Claude’s objective is to stop Edelgard. You think to yourself, oh that’s wonderful, an ally! Together we’ll crush that evil snake together! Except his army focuses yours, instead of going straight for Edelgard, as he did in the very same battle pre-timeskip. The game says there’s some fog, but guess what, this game HAS a fog mechanic to make some maps have low-visibility, and that fog is not present in this map! As such, he comes off as a total doofus in this chapter. This battle feels like Batman v Superman, a fight that just “has” to happen to sell the idea that the heroes are against each other, but Batman and Superman shouldn’t be fighting at all to begin with, they’re on the same side! They only fight because it’s the “hype” thing to do. Sigh.

Later on in the same route Claude is attacked by the empire in his hometown. His “master strategy” is to corner himself against an army that outnumbers his army 10:1, and trust that Dimitri will save him, the very same Dimitri that nearly killed him a couple days ago at Gronder Field. This is a pretty stupid and naive strategy on it’s own, but it gets worse once you look at the enemy troops in this map. They are all horses or infantry, not a single flier. Claude himself, he rides a wyvern. He could’ve escaped out to the sea, you might even think that’s his plan, but no, because Judith is there in the map and she certainly isn’t riding a wyvern, same goes for all his other men. Imagine the mockery, the sheer audacity of driving your enemy into a corner and thinking you’ll kill him only for all his men to suddenly get on wyverns and escape from you, which is possible thanks to the mount/unmount mechanic. Just imagine, you’re trying to save him and upon reaching halfway through the map, he and all his men get on wyverns and escape, saying they’ll trust you to take care of the empire as they run away, as you realize he just fooled you into taking out the trash for him. It would’ve been awesome! A moment worthy of The Master Trickster, but no, you just have to kill the boss before he kills Claude and Judith and that’s the map, that’s the whole thing.

And don’t even get me started on his map on Edelgard’s route. For a whole month people hype Claude up to be John Von Neumann combined with The Joker and Sun Tzu, so I’m expecting his level to be a really twisted one: warps, damaging terrain, falco knights with horse slayers, ballistae, swordmasters with armorslayers, siege tomes, sleep staves, berserk staves, etc. Instead, the level in which you fight against Claude has basically 0 unusual terrains, his “master strategy” is to just call for reinforcements until you cut off the source of reinforcements. This means that his “incredibly genius master tactic of galaxy-brain depth” is to use brute force, which is literally the exact opposite of clever tactics. Needless to say, this was to me the biggest disappointment, really wasted that opportunity to make a level that’s actually unique.

Then you go on to fight Dimitri’s right afterwards and guess what: his map has a siege tome user(with decent crit rate!), it has a unique monster gimmick where you have to kill an enemy every turn to avoid them turning into monsters, it has 4 commanders all calling for reinforcements leaving you to choose wisely which one needs to be stopped first, it has a river separating both sides of the map so that your teams have to be cleanly split up if going for multiple objectives, etc. It’s my favorite level in the game because it’s well thought out, interesting and basically more like what you’d expect of the mission where you’d fight a tactical mastermind. Sigh.

III. Ideological Conflict (a lack of it)

This is my biggest issue with the game

I really memed myself playing Edelgard's route so early because as I said previously it feels like a shin megami tensei chaos-route. She is fighting for an ideal, and so I falsely developed the hope that the game would have an ideological conflict. If you play Claude's route, you see that he is also fighting for his ideals, dude wants to end racism, that is awesome! However even when the characters do fight each other, their ideals are never in conflict. In Edelgard’s paralogue you fend off an almyrian invasion but she tells Byleth that she wishes they could be allies, and that in the future they should sit down and talk with almyrians to make their relationship better. In Claude’s route he is often fed up with the church’s historical revisionism and you can see he holds a lot of contempt for the institution as a whole. Edelgard and Claude may fight each other due to circumstance but their ideals are never against each other, in fact they kind of want the same things. And surely enough, Dimitri also thinks racism is whack, which is mostly explored through his relationship with Dedue. But Dimitri just doesn’t really believe in anything, in his route he’s completely reactive to the forces around him, there’s just no ideal world that he’s working towards, instead he just deals with the bullshit others have set in his way (not that there’s anything actually wrong with that, it’s just really underwhelming when the other stories are about ideals). 

And really that’s ok. Like I said this is a problem of my own I memed myself into thinking I was playing a much better game, and only have myself to blame for those expectations. It’s very normal of intelligent systems to not want to put into the game a playable character who is racist or anti-equality. Except we have Lorenz and Ferdinand, two characters that are so fiercely pro-aristocracy I started the game hating them(nowadays Ferdinand is easily in my top 5). Ferdinand believes that nobility is a cross to be carried for the good of the people and that rather than a highway to an easy life, it is a tremendous responsibility to bear and that commoners are better off relying on a noble like himself to make their lives better.

Nobility being a cross is something supported by the narrative! There are many characters dissatisfied with their lives solely because they were born as nobles and have to deal with problems exclusive to nobles, most notably Sylvain, Ingrid and then Mercedes who straight up becomes a commoner because of the pressure of nobility. Lorenz on the other hand has been pressured by his family so much he’s a completely brainwashed tool of the aristocrats, but as the game progresses he gets his head out of his ass and becomes a more likeable character. 

“Edelgard intends to abolish the nobility, but I know I can disuade her”, Ferdinand you bumbling fool, that is literally her main policy, have you ever actually listened to her?

Those two show it is possible for the team to write characters with bad ideals and then develop them into likeable ones, they just didn’t feel like having a lord that upholds bad ideals and grows out of them or is betrayed by their shortcomings. Hell, just imagine if after the last chapter in black eagles those who slither betrayed Edelgard instantly, showing that allying yourself with villainous people only because they’re convenient is sure to lead to betrayal. It would’ve been a sobering moment to see her say that maybe, maybe pairing up with mustache-twirling bad guys might have been a bad idea after all and having to really consider the damage she might have caused by letting them co-exist with her for her goals. Instead her route just ends, significantly shorter than all others. Aghhh. But yeah, this is a problem of my own expectations because fire emblem never had amazingly complex stories to begin with (I know I know, genealogy is supposed to be pretty deep, but that was over 20 years ago, it’s just not relevant to modern fire emblem until it gets a remake).

“Wait so you want Dimitri to be racist?” Oh hell no. Dimitri is literally perfect as he is, just look at him. What I’m saying is he should’ve gotten his own game, because he doesn’t fit in with the other two lords in this game as he has no vision of how the world should be (other than “Good”) and no ideological struggle he needs the world to understand. His story just doesn’t need Fodlan. The kicker is that his house, were it not for their tight and adorable friendship, is the one that is more likely to side with Edelgard as Sylvain, Mercedes, Ingrid, and Felix all hate nobility/aristocracy, and Ashe’s dad whom he idolizes literally gets sentenced to death by the church. Dimitri on a solo game would’ve been a cool story (better than Fates that’s for sure). But in three houses he doesn’t complement the other two lords, and the other two lords also bring him down. It’s what I’ve been saying: the routes just don’t complement each other. Remember how I said many people played Blue Lions and then just flat out refused to play the other routes? It sounded like I was belittling them but those people were right, they’re living their best life and I applaud them, they truly beat the game.

Worth noting that the church route is technically, from an outside perspective, a pro-aristocracy route. The black eagles students are all aristocrats except for Dorothea, and in this route it’d be a fair observation to say that they’re a bunch of spoiled kids who are trying to preserve the status-quo because they don’t want to give up their lands and servants. Obviously this isn’t how the route approaches character motivations, but an incisive in-world historian would’ve made this scathing observation by simply looking at who’s spearheading the revolt against the emperor: a bunch of rich kids.

IV. The Pre-Timeskip common route (FOUR times)

Moving onto gameplay-related nitpicks: what were they thinking? There’s like 13 chapters before the timeskip in every route, and they are always the same missions regardless of which house you choose. One of them is to kill Ashe’s dad and the other one is to kill Sylvain’s brother, you would think those missions would be exclusive to the blue lions and that other routes would have an equivalent for them: a story that hits home, that gets personal with one of the characters you chose and more importantly that just plays differently across all the routes. Instead the game would have you play the same missions 4 times so that you end up dreading the sight of them, on top of them having no real relation to the characters you’re using in 3/4ths of the routes. If the dlc route has me defend Garreg Mach even one more time, I’ll just go insane. Speaking of that:

V. Dimitri, Claude and Church route all have same maps

If you feel like playing all four routes, it’s gonna feel like you’re just playing the exact same game over and over. The maps you play in are literally all the same. And Edelgard isn’t scot-free either, but at least in her maps you fight from the other perspective of the map you know, you’re at least coming at it from another angle (though she will still have you defend Garreg Mach post-timeskip, completely negating the pleasure of not doing that pre-timeskip). I get it: these maps are huge, and they’re highly detailed because you can zoom in and literally see the battalions and all that, it’s really super neat and takes a lot of time to make so you can’t just have a hundred maps. But I mean by the end of the game (that is, playing all four routes) looking at any of the maps feels so tiring. I feel like I might just never replay any of the routes at least for a very long time because I’ve grown sick of seeing them over and over and over so many times. And dear lord, if I have to play Flayn’s paralogue one more time without fliers I’ll just shoot myself. Speaking of fliers.

VI. Fliers are absurdly broken

Literally what were they thinking. Wyvern Riders have absolutely insane stats and thanks to the dismount feature, they lose nothing by being in that class. The last levels in Claude and Edelgard’s routes are severely favored toward fliers too, both of them featuring tons of damaging terrain that is hard to cross for horses, though at least Nemesis has the decency of having many ballistae set up (probably because Claude himself is a flier so they expect you to have at least one). Also all that damaging terrain screws over horses because they thought horses were broken or something. But really, you’d think mobility is such an important stat that they’d compensate for it elsewhere, but no, all you lose is the opportunity cost of not having more crit as a war master (which female characters don’t have access to anyway) or being able to use magic. And horse units just get screwed over in every conceivable way, you’d expect that they at least get some beefy additional stats over wyvern riders but instead they’re actually weaker since wyverns are faster and speed is such an important stat. Also wyverns have so much defense that even in hard mode arrows (their supposed weakness) will have trouble denting them (or even hitting them thanks to their extremely high avoid).

edit: I also invite you to look at the growth rate modifiers for each class and see that all horse classes provide a negative speed growth rate, which is bad enough without realizing that wyverns are so minmaxed they even provide a cute minus 5 magic as a “balance” while getting boosts to both defense and speed in their final class. Are you kidding me? Horses are basically a player trap, they look cool and they’re half the master classes so they gotta be useful, right? Couldn’t be more wrong. Also what’s the deal with mortal savant providing -10% speed growth, that shit is bananas, how could the Naruto class hamper your speed if Naruto is all about that running, IT’S INSANE.

This is all exacerbated once you go for a low-turn-count playthrough, a fairly popular style of play among fans of the series where as the name indicates you try to beat the levels in as few turns as possible. Suddenly fliers go from clearly the strongest, to necessary. What’s absurd is how fliers are affected by the Stride battalion in the same way all other units are. Stride is a battalion effect that allows a group of units to have higher movement for one turn, your little walking units suddenly being able to walk 12 squares like it’s nothing feels pretty good but this battalion can also boost the movement of fliers and horses which means: why would you waste it on infantry units? It would’ve been so easy, and would’ve made so much sense for stride to only work on walking units, or to at least have reduced effectiveness on mounted units, but they just completely forgot that.

I knew I should’ve gone wyvern, could’ve had way more 1′s

VII. Crests

Oh wow, a neat game feature where each character has a unique skill related to their bloodline, and the story acknowledges their existence by saying they’re so highly valued they decide who’s noble and who isn’t. Surely they came up with really interesting effects for all of them, right? Wrong. “Raise Mt when using skills”, “Raise Mt when using magic”, “Raise Mt when attacking”. This shit is boring. But hey it’s ok right, you can’t expect them to come up with unique interesting skills for each character to have right? Except they did, each character (crest-bearer or not) has a personal skill, and they are all way more interesting than crests. The only non-boring crests are the ones bore by Annete, Mercedes, Hilda and Ferdinand. And Annete doesn’t even learn meteor, so her magic-conservation isn’t even that amazing once she becomes a gremory, though it probably is fairly useful if she becomes a dark knight instead. I will say though, crests are still way better than the personal crit skills from radiant dawn, like Stun and the like which were basically glorified critical hits in some cases or straight up silencers in the case of luna or eclipse (hell, those skills got so bad that the endgame is filled with Nihil wielders, characters who just straight up cancel the activation of enemy skills because the game itself had to patch them out preemptively due to how ridiculous they were, but at least they were impressive and memorable and not just “raise Mt a little bit sometimes” are you kidding me).

VIII. Lost items

Up until now these have all been nitpicks but if anything gets my blood boiling is those dreaded lost items, a gameplay feature that I just straight up gave up on and never looked back. You find a billion lost items throughout the monastery, which is great, an item that shows the personality of the character that lost it, and once you return it to them your affection grows. The problem is that there’s really like a hundred of them, and they’re not hard to find but rather are a pain to give back to their owners, for the screen where you select them doesn’t allow for any kind of sorting options. How hard was it isys?? I press X and the items are ordered alphabetically, was that really so hard? You really expect me to rummage through this endless list until I find the right one from the sea of really small text for ants? THIS IS THE REAL GAMEBREAKER, THIS IS WHERE IT ALL FALLS APART AND I REALIZE THIS GAME IS A TOOL OF THE DEVIL TO WRECK HAVOC INTO THE SOULS OF ALL PLAYERS.

In the end

So yeah, basically it’s a pretty good game, I’d say at least a 9/10 and unironically among my favorite fire emblems. I won’t go into detail about what I like because that’s not the point of the post and really who gives a shit, but it’s really good and I can’t wait for the dlc next year! Also this:

(also please let magic always function like in this game where instead of tomes and staves you have a set number of uses per encounter like it’s dungeons and dragons, that shit ruled)

edit: I did another post about the maddening difficulty, you might like it if you have read this far