#what am i even doing with my life?

[draganwhorror]

Holy crap, you guys! I have officially been on this thing called Tumblr.com for 12 years now! 12! This was my very first post with this blog:

I originally started with a different blog where I just posted random things. I got myself involved with two different birthday projects for two different actors, and both of them responded to me (one through Tumblr and one through Twitter).

I deleted that blog (it only lasted a few months) and started this one, becoming a Tom Hiddleston fan blog. I garnered what I like to call my "cult following" mainly because I wrote fanfiction constantly. Like, almost daily. I think, at my peak, I had 250+ stories posted. I was relatively prolific (or so I like to think). This was my follower count in 2014:

My life kinda spiraled out of control in 2014, and I did take a break from Tumblr for a little while. Came back and decided to be less Tom Hiddleston focused and more multifandom post focused. Took a break again after a bit, finally returning in December 2023.

That's when I changed my username (it was Tom Hiddleston related prior to this) and decided to lose myself in Ted Raimi spam (among other things).

I'm currently sitting pretty with 5500+ followers still, but I'm sure like 90% of them probably aren't active anymore.

Anyway, I know this is all really random, but I just wanted to celebrate being on this crazy site for more than a decade already. I can't believe it!

[soupy-george]

It's weird when your fanfic baby is ten. How can I be a decade older than when I wrote this? I'm certainly not a decade wiser. 🙃

Now I'm just drawing pictures for it because I have horrible writers block.

[amedouce]

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[djnuggetqueen]

Love Conan Gray's Music

Currently going through a Conan Gray phase lol

I literally go from feeling depressed about love (though I have never even been in love) to feeling so powerful while listening to his songs shuffled.

I think I might start doing a song of the day thing. Should I?

No one is even gonna see this, so I might.

[surrowndedbylights]

.

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

[bibuckaroo]

genuinely perplexed every time i stop to think about the fact the flash (tv show) has 9 seasons, even though after the first one it just got worse and worse.

[kittytheroseofkirea]

you know, there's this thing. (queue ramble about nonsense) I learned a long time ago that most people don't want me to start blabbing non stop about whatever thing I am reading or have decided is my thing. Which means that because I think in stories, or maybe patterns (jury is out), I don't talk a lot, period. Which means it is incredibly hard to get me to just talk. But once I get started, it's hard to get me to stop. But this does mean that when I want to talk about something, I have to decide if it's on the Acceptable Things to Talk About List (this list is varied and skewed by little traumas) and if it is, how much do I really need to talk about it, and can it go on any of my various talking to myself spaces. If it is both Approved and something someone might care about, I have to be very cautious when engaging someone in a conversation to see if they actually care or are willing to talk about it. Option 1: they are! We have a great conversation (I hope) where I get to talk about my current special interest (which will vary day to day, depending on what I have been reading, see the "thinks in stories" thing) Option 2: they are only interested for a short time, and I get full of way too much energy and excitement, only to be cut off when the person walks away, because I misjudged and they don't actually care. I hate it when this happens, because I have all this energy/ excitement over being able to finally being able to talk about my thing, and now there's nowhere for it to go. (I am still learning healthy ways to dissipate this energy when this scenario happens)

So, most of the time I don't talk much. I don't believe people care what I have to say, so why say anything. This does mean that I am an amazing listener, because I don't want this to happen to other people.

Downside is that I can't be asked to talk about stuff, because in social situations I don't know how to talk about my interests because I haven't had much practice since probably early Junior High.

It does mean, however, that I pull fairy tales apart to decide what elements are required for certain stories, and then I obsess over that quietly for a while.

This doesn't mean anything, none of it does. but it's a thought I had, and this is the platform of choice for me to talk at myself today.

[coddda]

I wish we could have met in some other way.

Lawlight Week Day 2: Soulmates

If you saw me repost and re-edit this several times uh No you didn't </3

Still frames/Individual gifs:

If you know what every frame is from you get a free cookie. by the way

[gottahaveguts]

man I just feel so lost

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[deathricedrawn]

i'm ready to try

[delicourse]

i miss them a little if im gonna be honest

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Sublime Equine.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[deep-space-lines]

okay but like. I just had the weirdest thought about that ‘don’t look I’m naked’ comic. Which is that that’s essentially the same thing Adam and Eve did after they ate the fruit of knowledge of good&evil. So I feel like the theological implications of that could kneecap Gabe if he doesn’t think V1 is a being with free will.

yeah ok. i dunno man. is this anything

((side note. this isn’t necessarily meant to be in-character or story-accurate or take place at any particular point in time, just a way to explore some Thoughts. i was also imagining more that V1’s words aren't actually spoken, more like Gabriel’s more articulate interpretation of whatever garbled mechanical noise V1 is using to communicate. I think an angel could do that.))

and then they fucked nasty the end

[uncanny-tranny]

I think it would really benefit people to internalize that mental illnesses are often chronic and not acute. Some of us will never be able to jump the hurdle of managing illness, much less sustaining a sense of normalcy. Many of us will never "recover," will never manage symptoms, will never even come close to appearing normal - and this is for any condition, even the ones labeled as "simple" disorders or "easy-to-manage" disorders.

It isn't a failure if you cannot manage your symptoms. It isn't a moral failure, and you aren't an awful person. You are human. There's only so much you can do before recognizing that you cannot lift the world. Give yourself the space to be ill because, functionally, you are.