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Do you ship it? (unsalted potato salad edition)
Based on an idea by @gaminggamegamer
I swear, Tim Allen was in one of these, right? I mean, basically every middle aged white actor that pulled more than 10 million dollars in their career from 1980-1995 has been in one of these. Also, according to our most active submitter, this is like, an American thing, so I might not have understood it perfectly.
#shipping#crackship#rarepair#polls#poll time#shitpost#my polls#tumblr polls#crossover#shipping poll#the fuck am i supposed to do#what am I meant to even tag this shit
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just got a dm abt one of my posts and y'all please don't try and show the hermits (or any minecraft youtuber or content creator for that matter) my posts, i'm uncomfortable with it and don't want any of my posts shown to a cc. if they stumble upon it naturally that's unfortunate but i can live with it since i do maintag a lot (something i REALLY need to stop doing tbh i already know i need to make a tagging system just for my blog that wont clog results) but going out of ur way to show a cc is entirely different and something i am not comfortable with.
no hate to the person at all but even if i wasn't a little silly and weird with it sometimes i wouldn't be comfortable with it, i want my blog to be a purely fandom only space with none of the creators involved <3 please respect this
#which is imo how a fandom space should be#i'm old fashioned and it breaks the fandom etiquette rules i stand by#i ship and stuff and absolutely NO cc needs to be subjected to that please and thank you even if it's a non-ship post#not saying hermits and others cant hang out and interact if they wish hell no but like....#if you as any person with a following willingly go into a fandom space you have to expect to see some things you find weird#doesn't even necessarily mean ship just stuff the cc finds weird :v idk im not phrasing this right but like#the rule with shipping around any sort of media has been to keep it away and not show the creators anything !!! and thats fallen out#of practice the past few years with ppl getting more and more comfortable demanding boundaries and personal info from creators#which isn't right imo bc its like you're trying to see how much you can get away with. u want a guide on how to interact and social skills#which is... huh??? just be polite and keep anything weird away from them like what we were doing#some folks nowadays need “permission” to ship stuff even from SHOWS and shit with no real people and its like wow... huh....#u need it to be canon?? u need everything told to u by the show?? wheres the imagination. the spirit.#the making of everything so far removed from what it once was#like that guy that played nick from heartstopper that had to be outed to play a gay guy. like#idk im so sick of the boundary fandom ppl in mcyt 'what if they saw and made it uncomfortable!! im going to show them!!!!'#you are making them MUCH more uncomfortable than i am by GOING INTO THEIR FACE AND DEMANDING THEY LOOK AT IT!!#AND DEMANDING BOUNDARIES N SHIT... CRAZY.... idk the hermits especially its weird to me bc clearly they understand fandom etiquette#and the dynamic im talking about. most of them understand that by going into fandom spaces they will see things they dont like#which is why a lot of them only like fanart and answer questions asked by fans. even on tumblr !!! where the weird ppl are!!!#they also all seem to understand they are playing characters (citing joel cleo and grian as examples) for their audiences#which is. smth the audience itself doesnt understand most of the time anymore. oh my god they all died in real life in hermitcraft season 8#idk hermitblr used to be a lot more okay with hermitshipping n then a bunch of ppl from other fandoms moved in and its all more negative#and makes me sad. idk...#i never meant for this blog to gain almost 500 followers i just wanted to make silly little ship posts and now im scared to#bc ive gotten hate and its.... bwugh.... tempted to remake blogs and make one thats very clearly just for me and a few weirdos#whatever i went off on a tangent in the tags as usual just pls dont show creators my posts even non-ship ones for this reason#jamies bad posts#talking in tags#serious posts#<- ig??? idk
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Sometimes people care to much
#rant cw#in the tags#Maybe jts just me but people care a little to much about fictional people and jt genuinely scares me#why harass/threaten people over..fiction. so what if their take was wrong or a bad reading of the game / show. It is not worth it to risk—#people actually getting doxxed/harrassed and sometimes even killing themselves due to the pressure of shit. It is not thst serious.#fuck you if you do that shit actually. Block me. i fuckkng hate you. i have lost friends because of this shit. This has killed people#I am anti fucking harassment to anything fuck off actually#(And i should disclose this i guess. does mean i dont think proshippers r weird#since someones gonna think that or something#)#Ok sorry guys i was scrolling on tiktok and a video set me off i had. to rsnt#cw suicide mention#(in tags)#* HELLO TAG CORRECTION I MEANT I DO THINK PROSHIPPERS SRE WEIRD. I CANT SPEL IGNORE ME
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sometimes i remember the hunger games and how nobody actually paid attention to what was in those books
#americans close your eyes and ears right now#i'm well aware that my political takes are way too spicy for you all#and i really do wish my media diet didn't contain so much us-centric shit#but alas we're all suffering here#and i could say that 'oh actually it does matter who your president is for us in the world'#but it doesn't. it really fucking doesn't. that's kind of the point.#oh i'm sorry my spicy takes are already starting#anyway it is wild that you all can understand katniss assassinating coin at the end of mockingjay#but get super upsetty that chappell roan won't support your favorite presidential candidate with her full chest#like come on none of you actually thought that her using the phrase both sides meant that she was a republican or even a centrist#that's just copium#you all knew exactly what she meant#but i guess encouraging people to think critically and get involved with their local elections and politics as well is... bad now?#also... why do you all care so much about a random pop star's opinion and whether or not she dares to criticize a government#like... she's right but i'm sure 5 years from now if she survives in the limelight her edges will be completely chipped away#by all this insane reaction#and before anyone comes for me... no i'm not saying you shouldn't vote. please fucking do.#neither am i saying you shouldn't vote strategically or encourage other people to do so#but if all your energy is spent policing people who criticize your chosen party because of their own principles#then there's something seriously wrong with your politics#and all you're signalling is that you truly do not fucking care about the issues that they care about#if anything..... you RESENT them#and then the same people bring up the parable of the 'unjust man'#or how it's never the right time to talk about gun violence in your country#harm reduction is all good and based but attacking people who are leveraging their support to push your party left#is not. it's not even fucking helpful#anyway. don't base your lives and politics around pop stars.#even if they are more based than you 🤷#i think i'm done now thank you tumblr for letting me have insane rants in my tags that hopefully no one reads#idk i just find this all depressing. i wish you all cared more about the world outside of your bubble. i wish we all did - myself included.
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I am now officially a whole two decades old
Everybody congratulate me on my two decades
#venting in tags#every birthday#I remember when I told my sister#when she asked me what I wanted to do for my (thirteenth? I think) birthday#and I said kill myself#I did not want to reach my teens#I was genuinely terrified of getting older#still am#because it meant that I had completely wasted another year#no normal teenage activity’s#no learning to drive#no proms or other dances#no first kiss#I’ve had only one friend since I was around 12 or so that I only talk to every few months#because I started pushing my childhood best friend away because being around her made me insecure and feel like I was immature and stupid#she was the only friend I had and she had so many#I remember feeling horrible for myself at her birthday party’s being surrounded by her school friends#and feeling like I wasn’t real#not a real person not a normal kid#like I was stupid immature and like she only spent time with me out of pity#I still feel most of theses things to be honest and it’s so embarrassing#being around people my age makes me feel so embarrassed#even with people younger then me#I was homeschooled and neglected if it wasn’t obvious#I’m so fucking insecure over everything#and im so embarrassed that I can’t even blame my parents anymore#I’m twenty I should have figured this shit out years ago#but maybe they should have fucking helped me#I’m so fucking embarrassed being alive#I don’t feel like a real person when I’m around other people like I’m walking on eggshells and everyone else is flying or something
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I'm exhausted. People exhaust me.
#mah posts#rl has been confusing and exhausting and even on here someone decided to kick in the door to be confusing and exhausting#and I don't Understand#rl: I say what I mean and I mean what I say#and people bend over backwards to sift me through some unspoken bs filters to Decipher What I Really Must Mean#and I'm just like#how tf do I be even clearer? there is no ulterior motive or whatever here#this isn't a fuckin HINT janet I said what I meant and I meant what I said please for the love of god just Stop#and then I open my messenger on the app here and get told someone who'd followed me for like idk a decade has decided I suck because I#and I quote#“keep posting reactionary things about AI”#wtf am I even#can I not just exist in peace please what fuckin societal filter was something I reblogged from the toilet taken to mean about me#can everyone please just fucking chill with reading weird shit into my every nuance I am so so so simple guys I really am#i'm so fuckin tired#also for the record the unfollow button doesn't require written notice to use plz just hit da bricks if a decade of me reblogging weird shi#is suddenly nefarious or whatever the hell#remember when it was the big THING to use side blogs for every single interest - I never did that#I have literally never had the energy#if my random reblogs of whatever strange shit of the day has gotten Tiring just go it's fine I won't even notice what is the poooooiiiiint#block me if you don't want me to see you on my dash anymore at least I think it works like that IDEFK#if I wonder about it in a few years I'll just go 'eh maybe they don't use tumblr anymore like half the people I think I still follow'#and then reblog a cat video or w/e and move on with my life#rambling in the tags because none of this by itself is really post worthy I'm just Tired#I've been Tired for weeks over the rl part and was especially depressed about it today#this has just been a sneaky snowball of exhausting crap and I'm so tired
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I swear why are half the things i like/fandoms im in made of mostly younger people while the other half are mostly older people? what are the zoggin odds with that?
How it feels being 20 in a fandom with a bunch of 30-40 somethings.
VS how it feels being 20 in a fandom with a bunch of 14-17 somethings.
like am do i just have extremely odd luck with things i like or is this just what being 20 is like?
#I go browse homestuck twitter and find out an artist I like is turning 16. I go to warhammer twitter and see a meme poster I enjoy is almost#three times my age.#like how do you get a person to somehow feel too old to be in a one fandom yet too young to be in the another?#i know this sounds stupid but it happens every time i like something#world of warcraft has people who have been playing this game for as long as i have been alive#despite aging with the game minecraft is primarily youngsters#team fortress 2 is somehow both too young and too old a fanbase#i've long since reconciled with the fact pretty much everything i like is over a decade old but why cant i just like something with a ->#similar age base? like it would be nice to interact with people that like similar things i like on a consistent basis.#I don't want to buzz around my 2 friends ears trying to not talk too much about my interests. Don't get me wrong I love those two gits but-#its not like i can complain about those childish gits who kept blocking the good fishing nodes in world of warcraft#I cant share my homestuck art and make references to characters that they don't know#I like making references! references make up roughly 1/3rd my jokes! Heck they make up my zogging dialogue too!#HECK I SAY ZOG AND GIT BECAUSE I AM A BLOODY STUPID MIMIC! I'M NOT EVEN BRITISH I LIVE IN MASSACHUSETTS!#YET EVERY TIME I GET A NEW “main interest” OR WHATEVER I END UP TAKING IN ZOGGIN SPEECH PATTERNS FROM THE DANG THINGS!#I ONCE MUTTERED “merde” WHEN THINGS WENT WRONG FOR LIKE OVER A YEAR BECAUSE SPY SAID IT AND ONLY STOPPED WHEN MY BILINGUAL AND FRENCH TAKIN#FATHER AND BROTHER RESPECTIVELY TOLD ME IT MEANT SHIT#I SAY “SLAPS ME ON THE KNEE” AND “SUCKS ON ICE” BECAUSE OF A MAIN INTEREST!#MY POSTURE GOT BETTER SOLELY BECAUSE I DID NOTHING BUT LEVEL A ZANDALARI HUNTER UNTIL LEVEL 120.#WHEN LAUGHING A MODERATE AMOUNT I DO THE /LOL ORC EMOTE. WHEN CHUCKLING I PUT MY HAND ON MY MOUTH LIKE SHIVER FROM SPLATOON BLOODY 3!!!#I HAVE BEEN UNINTENTIONALLY MIMICKING THINGS I LIKE FOR YEARS! I BOB MY HEAD AND WALK DIGITIGRADE BECAUSE I HEARD BIRDS/DINOSAURS DO IT TO-#BALANCE WHEN WALKING. AND THE ONLY REASON I SUCKED AT RUNNING WAS BECAUSE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I WATCHED A SCENE OF ICE AGE WHERE SID WAS WAL#ING AND MIMICKED HOW HE WALKED FOOT -> FOOT INSTEAD OF HEEL -> TOE HEEL -> TOE#AND NOW I GUESS I'M JUST WAITING FOR WHAT ILL GET FROM HOMESTUCK HUH#ugh if you can't tell this is a midnight brainrot post. i may be awake and on my computer but this still has the energy of that kind of pos#saturday warhammer and the following wendys browsing for ya folks.#midnight brainrot#Man i needed to get those off my chest#not like anyone reads these midnight brainrot posts anyways#oh yeah gotta tag art and paint.net so i can easily find these drawings later if i need them
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underrated genre of character playlist entry: songs a character would relate to because they do not understand their situation, themself, or the song itself well enough to realize it is not accurate (and might well straight up be a callout for people like them). which song is your blorbo's fight club
#whosebaby talks#general fandoms tag#shitposting#genuinely this is one of my favorite things to put in a character's playlist#for one thing i seem to like characters who listen to The Plagues and go WOW COOL BLOODTHIRSTY VENGEANCE FOR A WORLD THAT'S WRONGED YOU#and miss or ignore the part where it's meant to be tragic and moses is devastated because they're people and it's his home too#pericles is the first one that comes to mind because the autisms are autisming all over sdmi currently#but he's definitely not the only one#the only thing is it makes me a little itchy because it makes me wish i could put a little note when i share a playlist that#'no this playlist is not about them being a misunderstood hero they just have a severely distorted view of the world'#sometimes because 'misunderstood hero' would be uh. uhhhhh. it would sure have Implications with some instances#but also because No That's Wrong!! the distortion in their pov is what makes them a good character!!! in my own interpretation or otherwise!#pericles loses So Much Depth if you just play his understandable and even admirable traits as unironic instead of twisted and warped#and gone horribly wrong thanks to how his flaws and external life circumstances t-boned those positive/reasonable traits + motivations#where did he make his own choices to lean into it when he did have the agency to do otherwise#(see: i think in the newniverse; without the entity's influence; the very things that make him such a terrifyingly effective force)#(which are his primary expression of being an evil piece of shit due to his trauma and external circumstances and his reaction to them)#(and the choices he makes about them; would make him an equally effective force for good because they'd make him an *amazing* activist)#'i am my own definition of a vengeful righteous hero dishing out justice against real evil' is his extremely warped idea of what he's doing#he thinks he's the main protagonist of hell's coming with me and he's. not. he's just enough steps to the left to be a horror instead#anyway i love him and i love assigning songs like this your honor#professor pericles#SDMItag
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Trigun trending and seeing all the stampede art makes me feel so. Man. I miss when this fandom wasn’t like this my hatred for stampede runs deep.
#I am such a stampede hater#I dislike almost everything I’ve seen them do to the characters#and to the plot#and I hate how vash art is now soooo ooc feeling#and I hate all the ooc wolfwood thirst trap art#and the amount of inc*st art has risen dramatically who would’ve thought!!#words cannot describe what watching my FAVORITE manga become mainstream like this has done to me#the old anime was already dominating the fandom which meant art for manga charas like elendira or livio was sparse as hell#now it’s all stampede art which is even worse cries#anyway. I had to be a hater I won’t apologize for it on my own blog#stampede can suck my ass I think it sucks#also can all of u shits stop tagging stampede stuff w trigun you’re clogging the og tags#it’s annoying#stampede vash’s design sucks too btw#ruined the arm reveal and made him look more like a conventionally attractive anime boy than the og#way less distinct and also his glasses aren’t even unique anymore#I know it’s literally inconsequential but I’m choosing to nitpick bc I dislike him so much#anyway.#trigun manga means sm to me I’m so sad the fandom is now mostly stampede bullshit. man.#dozy speaks#usually I’m not a reboot hater btw. I’m an mlp fan I get reboot changes!!!#but the changes shouldn’t mean removing one of your only female characters and making everyone look younger and making one character#more white looking#and making some characters kids what is up with elendira????#and idk. I just hate the fandom for stampede everyone makes vash so one dimensional and it makes me soooo deeply annoyed
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Could never understand being a Michinaga hater the guy has carried the Entire series for me at this point
#i have so many thoughts about him#personally feel hes been one of the most consistently written characters since the beginning of everything#also. people keep calling him a hypocrite. yall are wrong#if he was a hypocrite he would proclaim he was better than everyone while doing what he does#when beroba calls him out on doing the same shit the riders he hates are doing he literally doesnt deny it#hes like yeah i kinda am but so what im doing it anyways#if he was really a hypocrite hed have denied that shit up and down but he never does#hes just. very bullheaded as hes meant to be in achieving his endgoal and if he has to get his hands dirty doing it#he will#people get mad that he killed keiwa and yeah it was a dick move but he also literally explains it#he does it to get him and neon and the rest to forget everything so they can go back to living peacefully in ignorance#and so that their own wishes wont cause more suffering in the process#because lets be real if you wanna critique michinaga you better be willing to look at keiwas own shit hes got going on#michinaga rightfully calls him out on Knowing the wishes cause suffering but still wanting to use that system to right its wrongs#and thats not forgivable to him nor is it very noble of keiwa when hes the guy whos been vying for peace this whole time#his way to peace has a price tag on it now#the whole point i think is that no ones goals are going to be able to mesh together and the whole system needs to fuckin go#because no one is benifiting from it even with the wishes being used for Good Things#sorry but ive been ruminating on this all night i needed to get it out there#kamen rider geats#geats spoilers#kief watches kr geats
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'im gonna sleep' he lied
#snap chats#i love making the main text Bullshit and then putting the actual post below. ive said this before but idc its my art#its like... the main text is the title and the tags is the actual article.... does that make sense#i should sleep my eyes are heavy but im being tormented by concepts i want to execute#gotta apologize for all the arasawa posting as of late but ive been enabled#tbh on the lowest of keys i did post bout them on occasion in the past but. but now it's feel-speed ahead#twt has been driving me insane so i just need to hop aboard me other boat yk what im saying... please say you do i refuse to elaborate#for the sake of the people i wont but man if you know you know#anyways. the actual meat of this text post See All That Preamble Shit is meant to deter people. it is a warning#'i am bring cringe down here do not look. wait for it to be art so it's harder to ignore'#'snap i thought you didnt like sharing things if you were gonna do something with it' ok well the delusions are strong tonight#and im too tired to do anything and ill prob be too brain dead to do anything tomorrow LET ME SPEAK#ok cringe time. i just think jo gradually accepting physical affection can be something so personal and good SUE. me.#and when i say 'gradually' it will be ten years before he accepts it and even so it'll be quietly#i think by his 20's hes beyond flinching/wincing at random contact- or at the very least he's very good at suppressing the reflex to#more so if its not something like a handshake- like just casual contact- i imagine he's more confused than anything#i had friends who were obsessed with like. hugs and holding hands and those things always had me like ???#i imagine Same Shit for him ☠️ 'this isnt a bad thing but this isnt something im familiar with What Is???? this feels weird.'#im gonna make myself throw up thinking anymore about this. i be making these hardened yakuza men sweet and sentimental#twitter really is decaying my brain....#let me be worse. cause i hope arakawa introducing that sort of physical affection rubs off on jo. no where near the same level as arakawa#but itd be SOO funny if like.. jo starts walking close enough to occasionally bump shoulders with him#i hope when arakawa starts nodding off in the car and ''''accidentally''' lays his head on his shoulder he stops tensing up#heaven forbid jo even rests his cheek against arakawa. id be ill#Let Me Clutch My Pearls For This One i hope when they hold hands jo starts to hold arakawa's a lil tighter than he used to#just very /very/ little things like that. very little things that'll still make me insane I'M DELU-LU TONIGHT SORRRYYYYY#expect more of this bullshit but. in art form in the future. whether it writing or drawing idk i just need it#i need it injected right into my veins its my weakness your honor TAKE ME AWAY i AM guilty for making the scary gangsters cute#ok im pissing off fr now bye.
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in case anyone was wondering it’s nearly five am and i’ve spent all night reading fucking icarly fanfic as if it’s not 2023 so like that’s where IM at today
#d speaks#did i know how much i cared about these characters before i impulsively decided to rewatch a show i haven’t seen since age 14??? NO I DIDNT#i haven’t watched icarly since the fucking eighth grade at BEST and that was fully 13 years ago#i figured i’d put it on for some background noise and nostalgia when it came up on netflix#HERE I AM A DAY LATER HAVING FUCKING FEELINGS ???????? ABOUT IT ?????????#getting sad about a finale i NEVER EVEN WATCHED………#debating if i should go and fucking. watch the FIVE MORE SEASONS OF THIS SHOW#plus that ENTIRE OTHET SHOW W ARIANA GRANDE I NEVER ONCE SAW BECAUSE I WAS TOO OLD FOR NICKELODEON WHEN SAM AND CAT CAME OUT#and then to find out icarly has been rebooted?!?!??? and IS CURREBFKY PUTTING OUT EPISODES OF THEUR REVIVAL???????#what am i meant to do here. watch icarly AND victorious AND sam and cat AND ICARLY 2021!?!?!???!??!??#for WHAT daina?????? a fandom with 700 fics on ao3??????????????#WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF ?????????????????????????????#i’m so out of my mind right now what the fuck has today BEEN#icarly#guess i shoudl fuckin tag that in case this is my new hyperfixation!!!!! what the fuck!!!!!!!!#this is awful i hate myself so much. why do i CARE if these characters get together they’re 13 and i was 10 years old last time i cared!!!!#i don’t even know who is endgame because i ‘outgrew’ these shows when fucking glee and jersey shore dropped!!!!!!#i didn’t watch the later seasons of icarly or most of victorious because i was too busy watching fucking teen wolf and drooling over 1d!!!!#watching fucking. game of thrones and shit!!!!!! i was Too Old For That Shit and now here i am. one month from being 27#getting all emotionally invested in this DUMB SHOW FROM MY CHILDHOOD#like what’s next daina?????? gonna watch hannah montana and go looking for some jake ryan miley stewart fanfics?????????????#watch some fucking wizards of waverly place and get really worked up about how selena and demi had a friendship breakup???????????#text my friends who were into this show with me when it was airing and see if they wanna listen to me analyze this shit??????#whilst their CHILDREN NAP IN YHE OTHER ROOM AND THEN WHEN IM DONE RANTING I CAN GIVE THEM ADVICE ON THEIR MARITAL PROBLEMS???!??!??!?!?!?!?#this is insane i’ve lost my fucking mind. i’m not fucking doing this mark my words i am NOT doing this#this is a one off i will consume the best fics of this fandom and then i will put it down and step away and be DONE i CANNOT do more#mr incredible voice i’m not…… strong enough…….#fuck i should watch the incredibles maybe THAT will fix me
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Anyway, hope you're all doing well
I just... I haven't slept and also I've got like... 2-4 days of tumblr to catch up on... mostly to make sure I don't lose anything I want to keep requeuing
In many ways I'm probably doing better than I have been in a long time... maybe ever, but... I've got zero focus, I can barely watch youtube videos, I certainly can't play games... I can't get myself to clean... I don't know man
It's like... it's like my mind's empty except for some thick clear goopy sludge... it's like being over at a strange house sat alone in a big room waiting for people to come back... not wanting to touch anything so you just sit there staring and feeling out of sorts, except it's just constant in my own house in my own room... just saw Bart flop down in front of my door and realized I'm so out of it I forgot I had cats
It's like I'm living every moment in the moment, but not in a peaceful way, in a I'm untethered from reality and trying to figure out plans or how to deal with getting everything sorted out is just kinda painful kinda way
Then my mood... well... I kinda have no mood. I'm fucking numb if I'm honest. I have flavor opinions like "I'm worthless and should kill myself", but I actually don't even feel depressed right now, I feel nothing
I don't see much point to my future even if everything goes great, and I would like to kill myself, but I have zero interest in even considering it right now even though I have everything I need around if I just stand up and take a single step
So... much as it probably sounds like I'm just pure in the trash right now, I'm actually in many ways probably doing better than I ever have before... I'm just also real messed up right now at the same time
I don't feel hopeful, I never feel hopeful, but I do feel like I can maybe guide shit into a good position, it's just once again I figure that even if I do everything I want to with being able to help other people out and stuff, I'll still just kinda end up alone in a crowd
You know... funny thing is I'm thinking "the fuck is even the point I wanted to make?", and I realize... my point was actually that I'm doing pretty good and not to worry... not sure how well I'm selling it, but it's true
I hesitate to assign anything to myself, my stance on me and anything I can't conclusively say tends to be no comment... but if I were looking at someone else describing what I'm feeling in my position, I might be inclined to say burnout... months of having to be on and clean and manage everything and... all that... well it's one explanation, who knows if it's correct
Anyway though, I'm good, don't worry, know I do appreciate you all and wish I had more brain power to say more to more people... it's just maybe kinda sad that this is my version of doing good... the fuck is wrong with me if I wake up everyday feeling like I've been beaten with clubs... and for me this is kinda peak... what's that say about my baseline?
Doesn't matter, only thing to do is keep moving forward
Guess insomnia paired with not really being able to think, like words just kinda pop out with no planning... guess it makes me ramble real bad, this was supposed to be like one or two paragraphs being positive
It's a Beautiful World
#mm tag so i can find things later#to be clear; I'm referencing the Devo song; and if you know the song... that's kinda a negative thing to say#it's a beautiful world... for you... it's not for me#that's the sentiment I express when I say that; just to avoid confusion... though... confusion I can't deny is also kinda the point#I like hiding things in plain sight; I like lies of omission#...but also... is it so bad to try and let people think I'm being more positive than I am seeing as people have a problem with how I am?#makes them sad; you know?#I'm not even meaning to be negative; I'm just trying to lay out my thoughts so people don't have to read my mind#I think people will probably read this and take it as extremely negative but... it more just is#my brain feels broken right now... that's not meant as doom and gloom... just a statement of fact#people always seem to worry about me... but... they kinda... worry about the wrong stuff#...they kinda... it's like if someone was really worried cause I skinned my knee and it looked real gross but was pretty surface#and I just couldn't get them to stop focusing on that and listen to the fact I had internal bleeding and that was much worse#it's not the fact I want to kill myself that's the problem; it's not that I can often be melancholic#it's all the systemic issues going on... the isolation; the... never feeling like I succeed... that kinda thing; you know?#the money and the getting things stabilized#even if life goes perfect and I even somehow get the stuff I think is literally impossible for me to get that I want so bad#...good chance I'll still be kind of melancholic#...but would that really be so bad? if I was just a little glum when it came to me?#despite the fact that with everything that's not me I say 'lets just keep moving forward and change what we can'?#despite the fact I tend to have a very upbeat... lets not dwell on the past; lets see how we can fix the now kinda mindset?#despite the fact I think I must seem a bit stupid and bumbling in person cause I always tend to be kinda 'it is what it is'?#just because I think bad thoughts and you hear how I think on here... my actions aren't enough to outweigh that?#clean all that shit; but I dare to not like myself very much... seems like weighing the two I really am just negative or whatever; eh?#and by god always make sure to tell me to get a therapist even though I'm both working on that and also it won't fix me#if therapy fixed me I'd be fixed at like 14; it's systemic shit; like I said... therapist can just help a bit#...what I really need is for more people to turn towards me a bit more... 20% of the time even... nah I don't want to elaborate#I don't want to phrase that the more understandable way; I want everyone to... miss it... I can't stand to be seen and then ignored... agai#wish people would worry a little less about me and help a little more... mostly by just being company#can't a body fall down stairs in peace? you know?
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i am in hell
#I literally just can’t bring myself to care about this proposal#I KNOW it’s important and I have limited time now#as of today I have two weeks to finish it and I currently have written nothing <3#I’m meant to have a first draft by Monday#but it’s 5pm and I’m so sleepy and I am overwhelmed whenever I look at it#I’ve read so much. so much. and I still feel like I know nothing. and my supervisor is kinda useless#I think the real problem might be that there’s so much stuff that I’m scaring myself off#and I know I need to take it a little bit at a time but to do THAT I have to wade through my folder of like 60 sources#and figure out which one said the specific thing I’m thinking of or like where to look to find what I need to write about#and I keep reading stuff that makes me feel like I’m talking complete shit because I could be! my supervisor sure as fuck hasn’t checked!#I need to write what’s basically a mini literature review on the stuff that’s relevant and I mean like I THINK that this hasn’t been done#but people have been studying stuff in this field for like 70 years so you know how many papers that is. the last 40 are even relevant today#idk. I was falling asleep in the library yesterday after an hour and I’ve gotten so little done this week#if anyone has recommendations for reference management software that 1. can make tags to organise things 2. can have little notes added#3. can import from zotero I would love you forever#pls god help me I’m drowning here#luke.txt
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So basically, in a case about him shoving money at someone so they shut up about him. . .he can’t shut the fuck up himself. I would say something clever and funny here, except the sad part is that this is just so normal in current politics that it’s just. . .not hilariously absurd behavior anymore? Not to say that it’s not absurd - it is beyond such, but it is just. . . predictable, I suppose.
I guess this is how I feel about politics lately? Either I get mad at everything or I try to laugh at everything and normally that works because politicians usually aren’t so tragically stupid so very often, but now I just kinda have to chuckle at the particularly eyeroll worthy things like this, and try to ignore everything else or my brain will explode.
#maybe that’s my biggest pet peeve about the current state of politics#Normally I like having discussions with people#of various mindsets and lifestyles and backgrounds#while my personal standpoint about many if not most political things is pretty solid. I also enjoy finding out more about things.#It’s always nice to learn more about things.#when it gets to a point like this or let’s be real-a point like where it got a few months ago when. More like a couple years ago honestly#There’s just so much. Too much. And two try to process all of it especially in a way such that one keeps up with useful discussion? oof.#I know I meant to do something else in these tags – something more specific – but at least on mobile#I just lost like three tags because the one I was working on hit 140 but when I was warned#I didn’t get to backspace or anything. I just kind of deleted the whole thing.#And in my confusion and attempt to undo what I had done#I managed to backspace a couple times and lose the finish tag above that one#and of course my first attempt at explaining that I had lost two tags turned into three tags because#I lost the first attempts that said two tags because it went over and yet again my attempt of not backspace this time#I just lost another two tags and then at this point I don’t even remember where I was going with this train of thought either#tl;dr: I wish I could take as much amusement from this as I want to but I can’t because shit like this is just so fucking normal#but hey it’s better than January 6 or trying to nuke a hurricane so I suppose I can live with it#right so I realize that I got to read all of the things I just typed in the page before this#so I did and while I have a laughable amount of nowhere near the fuck enough spoons#there’s a very good chance I am going to come back to this when I get on my iPad or PC#There’s also a very good chance I’m going to completely forget this post exists if not the app entirely#but given that I finally downloaded this on my actual phone instead of my tablet for the first time in years#And I just lost another fucking tag#this time naturally it had to be one with Contant that I remember as semantically important#but similarly naturally of course I don’t bloody well remember#right so I am going to go back to the stuff I was doing now cause I was doing stuff before I saw a Tumblr notification#which I didn’t actually look at at the time but but I can absolutely be sure that it was a hefty part of the reason why#when I found something that I wanted to post about and a context that had a larger audience and not just individuals#didn’t have FB/Reddit (tho lbr I would probably have a 6 foot nose if I tried to imply they were great social networks)#which goes back to seeing the tumblr notif & still having a big Nostalgia so. hi here i am
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(when i say general i mean standard 2 and 2 unit is advanced)
#i picked was good in school and hate it now#and the reason I picked that is because it was me hating maths in school that pretty much lead to my netherlands obsession so#i have that to thank#but its only because i hated maths so much that I left#and i couldn’t stand doing it for the hsc#and that decision lead to me choosing the netherlands as my study abroad#BUT i was apparently super good at it#like for year seven and eight i was in extension#and we got harder tests and shit#but even then i hated it bc I preferred writing stories and shit (wow!)#and in year 9 they split us off into 5.3 (best) and 5.2 (average) and 5.1 (worst)#no one in my school did 5.1#and basically i was already struggling with study habits and shit so my mum went into the school and says#please put her in 5.2 she’s going to be miserable as fuck in 5.3#and the school was like ‘fuck off she has potential’ and put me in 5.3 but lower 5.3#AND YOULL NEVER FUCKING GUESS WHAT I WAS! MISERABLE!!!!#it didn’t help that the teacher that i had in year 8 and 9 wasn’t amazing but like whatever#which was something i only just realised lol#ANYWAYS i did 5.3 but not extension until year ten and then i had a choice and that was what maths to do for the hsc#and i was tossing up between two unit or general (i cant explain in the tags the difference so I’ll include a screenshot or something)#i picked general maths bc it felt more like life skills maths and i was like ok seems funky if i have to i will#and then we had the yearly and the teacher wrote it a bit too hard and only two ppl in my class passed and guess who was one of them#me with my stupid 51%. we’re ignoring that I didn’t finish and cried the whole way home. and the teacher was like ‘you should be in 2 unit’#so i switched to two unit and that was MEANT to be it but i was still sacrificing something i loved for maths and ppl in my year did drop it#like completely. and like four weeks into year 11 i was like. no. why am i here when i could be doing legal studies or ancient history!#and so i went and fucking fought the school bc why was i making them happy and after a week they let me win and not do it#and let me tell you calling the maths department to say ‘I wasn’t coming tomorrow or ever again’ was a top ten life moment for me#so tldr i was good at it but i hated it#looking back it wasn’t that bad but i was happier for it#it was actually probably a case of neurodivergent me who just Wasn’t Interested
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