#what about uni did I finish it?
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#scheduling this on 2 may#life update~ or I guess questions from the past or whatever#I'm high#first off#am I still active in the fandom?#next#what about uni did I finish it?#am I working on my masters?#still wanna go to art school?#what about my friends#am I still friends with them?#is she still with us?#how was the new season of sunny#I wonder if I'm still alive#a year from now is a complete mistery#oh yeah did you talk w that dude you know who to clear things up?#am I still in Romania?#are you in therapy? and is it working?#do you wanna kill yourself or nah is basically what I'm asking#pffffff idk what else#oh man the most important thing#DID MAC AND DENNIS KISS AND MAKE OUT ON SCREEN????
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What do you think as Hermione's career would be post battle of Hogwarts? To me her being minister for magic really doesn't make sense. She does not have patience or tact to wade through murky waters of politics 😭😭
So hard to say! The Trio are so, so young when we leave them, I find it almost impossible to project their futures farther than a few years out. The job that suited me at 17 would be radically unsuited to me now. That's why of all the Trio, Ron's ending strikes me as the most realistic — he jumps straight into the save-the-world business again, burns out, realizes he's actually Done The Fuck Enough, Thanks, and pivots into a low-stress career where he gets to see his family a lot. Feels accurate! The others are weirder to me because they do seem to just... pick a lane and stay there.
With Hermione, you could spin her a couple ways. You could say that she leans into her bookish side and does research or teaching, which is not my preference for a couple reasons (namely, I don't think Hermione would like academia as a profession; she finds her classwork interesting and enjoys intellectual validation, but she'd be stifled and wasted in a DPhil program, and she'd be infuriated by the administrative politicking of your average higher-ed faculty). You could say that she gets disaffected with politics and ends up as a barrister or a lobbyist of some kind, but if anything that requires more political finesse, because you don't actually have institutional power, you're just handling the people who make decisions and trying to persuade them of your goals. This is not Hermione's preferred method of influence. She's not even particularly good at persuasion, she just happens to be smart enough (and right often enough) that people take her ideas seriously.
Or you could say her brashness fades with the years into a softened flavor of tell-you-like-it-is honesty, which some politicians actually do successfully trade on; as we see in British politics today, you don't have to be all that charming or clever to get ahead, you just need to be really driven and well-connected (which Hermione completely is; she fought shoulder-to-shoulder with the first postwar Minister and her bestie, the Literal Messiah, runs the Auror Office.) But I don't know if Hermione especially wants to be Minister, after the war. She's just watched years of horrendous bureaucratic incompetence plunge the country into a violent civil conflict. She's had not one, but two Ministers of Magic try to bully or shame her friends into complicity with fascism. Her view of government is... likely extremely dark.
But Hermione also isn't the kind of person who sees her life as a quest for happiness. Babygirl has a savior complex that makes Harry look selfish. (She basically kills her parents — yeah, obliviating is a form of murder, #changemymind — "for their own good," and justifies every batshit, vindictive, mean-spirited move she ever pulls on the grounds that it "helps" one of her friends.) She is a mean, lean, dragon-slaying machine, and she needs a dragon. After Voldemort, the Ministry is the no. 1 threat to muggle-borns and non-wizarding Beings. As a war heroine with basically infinite political capital, I'd be surprised if she didn't try to do something there. That said, Hermione is so vivacious and dynamic that she could potentially grow in a hundred different directions; it's possible that all of this, while true of her at 18, becomes completely inaccurate by 22. That's why I'm not too fussed about any particular fanon interpretation.
#greenteacup asks#sidebar: I know Minister “of” Magic is an Americanism but mea culpa#Someday I might actually bite it and pay someone to britpick Lionheart but I can't do it now#because I have a ban on editing published fic unless it's finished. Otherwise I'll never get around to writing the actual ending#I have a Process#is it the best process? likely not! but it makes the words go. so here we are.#I also think the fact that JKR is Gen X makes a difference here. careers worked differently in the 80s and 90s than they do now#i.e. we have the gig economy and a lot more mobility and EXPECTATION of mobility in your early life#that means career changes & professional pivots through your 20s and 30s are increasingly normal#and in fact have always been normal — but the image of the 'true' or 'ideal' career has changed#so we look at those careers and go hm. really? none of them changed?#none of them even went to uni? do wizards... just not?#but again. I believe the epilogue was written almost completely without consideration as to what happened between the BOH and then#I really believe that JKR did not know what happened to Harry except a wedding and 3 kids. because that was the whole point#I don't think she even knew what his career was when she wrote that scene#It existed to marry everyone off and do a quick munchkin headcount#because of the understandable temptation as an author to keep your hand on the wheel. but it didn't even matter!#the epilogue changed NOTHING! it was the most useless chapter in the series! I just — GOD#you can absolutely accuse me of being sour grapes about my ships getting nixed. I AM sour grapes. I AM a hater.#AND I have plot/theme/craft reasons for disliking it.#I'm not objective. I just want credit for being a sophisticated hater. my grapes may be sour but they're still artisinal.
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f to my parasite mu dreams </3 i thought i may as well finish this right now since otherwise id never post it
#kusunoki muu#muu kusunoki#mu kusunoki#kusunoki mu#milgram#milgram fanart#my art#i started this (checks file) oh god half a year ago#and got like 70% done and then never got around to finishing#so i just fixed the lines and cleaned it up a little in about 2 hours#when i first drew this i intended this to be a lot cleaner but if i did that i would never finish#it doesnt need to be perfect it just needs to be done etc#especially since i have uni now so im going to drop off the face of the earth#im. planning to focus on fic writing too so uh. <33 see you guys in a year i guess#rip to the mountains of 01 and 03 fanart i will never get around to cleaning up enough for posting#i love doodling them but finishing proper art is pain#its 1am. i ignored homework for this.#anyway i dont care what canon says i will continue to listen to parasite and imagine mu amvs to it
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I'VE FINALLY FINISHED BROTHERSHIP IT WAS SOOOOO GOOD!!!!!!!
#clai speaks#spoilers in the tags probably#ahhh first of all i am still astounded the game exists at all. we all thought m&l was done forever but here it is!!!#the timing of me playing superstar saga and getting really into mario last year couldnt have been better#i mean i probably would have played brothership still even if mario hadnt become a main interest of mine like that. but anyway#absolutely stellar re-entry into the series it did not disappoint in the SLIGHTEST#i think i 100%'d it? only thing i didnt do was finish that last dyode dance sequence but like its fiiiine#took about 50 hours i didnt get a chance to check my final time. really surprised that the game went that long!#i dont think it was a bad thing at all though. the game mostly didnt feel like it was overstaying its welcome#i did think lottacoins and the lower level solitree went a tad too long and i didnt like them but only a little. they're still fine sections#surprised that i didnt even feel like the sidequests were a drag they were all alright!#character interactions were so good ofc. love the new cast!! starlow felt a bit flat which is a shame but she also didnt appear much so#the sidequest where she visits bowser and he calls her chippy!!!! made me so happy!!!!!#all the callbacks were so good i'm glad they can still do that. yelled out loud after finding the peasley reef#docking points for no dreambert reef however. jail worthy offence#on reclusa specifically i dont have a lot to say about his character he's just your typical evil for the sake of evil villain#but i have to say i Love his design. the really exaggerated facial expressions and that clown neck frill. really fun character actually!!#ahhh call me childish but i'm never a fan of endings where friends separate but i like to think the second uni-tree--#--will allow them to link back up once its grown and can generate more connectar to do it#cant say if its my favorite yet bc recency bias is still too fresh but its absolutely my second favorite m&l game at least!!#i havent played paper jam yet i wanted to play the original paper mario and spm first. but i always hear its bad so??#brothership is at least on par with dream team for me rn. absolutely stellar game#i hope this means we'll get more m&l someday! i've already left a very positive response on the survey they put out#anyway. now to decide what to play next because i have a MASSIVE backlog of games and i didnt think this would take this long BJDHJFHF#10/10!!!! please play brothership immediately
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the problem with turning up to uni all colourful in overalls and pigtails is that everyone thinks im 18
im 27, i just have the fashion sense of a clown and my neck is sweaty
#ed mumbles#people r like what high school did u go to :)#and then when i mention the other degrees ive studied theyre like ?#also being older is crazy#why am i one of the Vocal Ones in class this is so weird#ive always been the dead quiet hiding one#now im speaking up so much it's wild#also my uni is so queer hahahh#multiple nb lecturers/tutors and everyone has pronouns under their name#it's nice.. i've never seen that before!#i'm just really trying to settle into this new person i've apparently become when i wasn't looking#this person who speaks up in class discussions and answers questions and finishes assessments early without even panicking about them#my first assessment due can be in any medium so i wrote a comic abt tertiary study when you have adhd#i'm proud of it ngl!#just have to finish inking it
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computer how do i stop feeling insecure on my writting so that can i write. computer please
#talking tag;#ok so. story time sure why not#today is my first day of uni and i had classes from 8.30 am to 11:45 which was. fine i was exhasuted but it was fine#and then i had to wait to meet some friends for lunch and i started writting and it just hit me that totp is actually over 50k words#and it's like brooooo i literally wrote a novel length fic (that's still not done btw! not close!) and for whattt who even has the time#to read something like that like why bother. it's not even (directly) about the main characters and i just#i'm afraid that i'm repeating myself i'm afraid that chracters are not being developed like i hoped they would i'm afraid that no one will#care and i'm also afraid that the people that do care won't like it#and then i met with my friends who study cinema and they bumped into people from their classes and i was just.#there listening to their conversations without interacting like what the FUCKKK am i doing here pretending that i fit in with the cool#cretive people and that my prose is any good at all#just. 50 thousand words of fanfiction and i'm worried that none of them are any good#but lately my motto is that i will figure it out so. i will figure it out#i did cry about it (lmao) which i'm counting as progress from the empty nothingness i felt around this time of year a year ago#but yeah man it sucks. totp is my baby but (just like kim lmao) my default is being hard on myself. i just can't not be#i think i'll write on my diary about this and then!!! we move on. oh well#i will finish totp that's a promise but yeah. today just hasn't been great i guess#and i have no one in my life to talk to about this so!!!!!! shouting into the void i guess
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i am so beyond tired beyond burnout, i went out for coffee this morning and when i placed my order, the barista so gently asked “would you like an extra shot of espresso in that? it’s on the house” and i almost cried. people good sometimes
#that extra shot did me good too#this whole internship has been a race between me finishing and my chronic illness getting more and more severe and#it’s down to the wire and they’re neck and neck#i started my last week of my last rotation by fainting for the first time in over five years since before i resumed school before my surgery#it’s real bad over here 🥹#BUT me n books had a good conversation about how to better support each other and they’ve been here for me which has been nice#but i don’t LIKE asking for help and relying on other people like this so i’m gonna have to make Getting Better my summer project this year#which will be hard bc the summer depression hits harder at this lower latitude but#i’m gonna do my best. and i won’t have school! for the first time in so long i won’t have school 😶#i’m so excited to get back into RECREATIONAL learning. just for me. because i like it and i’m curious and that’s good for me#me n Books are planning to move in together around the end of the summer and i was like#Every few months i’ll have to tell you what i’m thinking about studying next so you can pick what you’d most want to hear me infodump about😂#it’ll be fun! i already have a rabies lesson plan ready to go (downloaded the most recent textbook on it for free from the uni library 😎)#but i also have good resources to learn about the chemistry and oropharyngeal physiology of taste/flavor AND#i found a great book on ancient meso/american cuisine#plus i’ve flagged so many MOOCs for later. about all kinds of stuff#ANYWAY. it’s been a rough couple weeks/months/years but the end is like. right here. i just have to finish
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sometimes i'm scared that i've been this way for so long that i don't know how to be anything else anymore.
#lily talks#thinking about what to do after i finish my degree#you know just normal things to ponder at 1am#i've been in this hell called university for so long i can't even imagine doing anything else anymore#goes hand in hand with being depressed and i can't help but wonder if it's just going to be the exact same thing if i decide to do somethin#else instead of getting my masters#i feel like my relationship with uni is the prime example of toxic#because it's going well some days and on those it's very rewarding#but all the others? oh boy#doesn't help either that i've got no clue what i'd even want to do instead#so i can't help but wonder what would be the lesser evil#bc i doubt that i'd get anything better than 'the lesser evil'#also the thought of just saying fuck all of this and starting over from scratch persists#and while i do believe that you can start over at any age the reality that money is a very limiting factor gets worse every year#unfortunately i lack the mental health needed to both work and further educate myself#i really admire everyone who manages#also it doesn't help that i'll have to decide if i want to stay abroad or move back to germany soon-ish#i like it here and while it sucks to be so far away from all of my friends i feel like the change of scenery really did me good#unfortunately living here is extremely expensive.#in any case#this sucks
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I went to a school to test some kids today for my thesis and the teacher who received me and talked to me while we waited for the headmaster was the nicest person 💕💕💕
#he was like ‘ah what are you doing for your thesis’ and we started talking and he has a philosophy degree and we like debated about#psychology and philosophy and education and stuff#and he was so interesting and also sooo nice he kept like saying ‘wow I’m really enjoying your ideas and your perspective’#and then he was also super nice when I needed a place to test the kids in and he like helped me move chairs and tables and get the kids from#their classes#then I had to stay there over lunch time and he was like adamant that I must eat and that the school could give me food and I didn’t have to#go out and buy anything but I had to tell him no bc my stomach is sooo sensitive I couldn’t eat (and also I’m a picky eater aksjjdd)#and he was like so worried that I would faint that i would be hungry or thirsty etc#and then when I finished he insisted on walking me out of the school and to a main avenue — because the school is in this kind of ‘unsafe/#dangerous’ area and I was like ‘thank you but you don’t have to’ bc he had helped so much#but he wouldn’t hear of it so he did walk me and I was so grateful bc a) I have THE worst sense of direction so I was going to get lost#and b) it was a really long way to the main avenue and I was glad for the company to distract myself of how tired and hungry I actually was#and lastly he told me that he really wanted to come to my thesis presentation whenever I did it because he was really impressed by how well#i articulated myself and how interesting my subject was which was so 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺#idk it was really like such a heartwarming thing he was just SO incredibly nice and made a day that could’ve been sooo tiring a lot better#uni#personal
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having beef w a professor and being ready to fight with him real bad, but then getting a super good grade in his seminar feels like im a bloodhound who just got a treat by someone it was growling at. where do i put all this fighting spirit now
#i still dislike him and we did fight#but not over my work he complimented me on that then went straight to having beef over something soo unnecessary#i didnt do anything wrong and he overreacted/took it personally (this is not only my opinion i share it w others)#and brought it up maybe expecting me to apologize? while i behaved completely reasonably and politely?#when i didnt budge and kept questioning what he wants from me he kinda gave up lmao#im surprised hes not aware i can and will talk to the uni about his behavior. maybe hes too caught up in making me apologize? maybe.#i dont even know if ill finish this seminar because he might mess up my final grade bc he dislikes me. and idk if i have a perfect paper in#me right now#basil yells at cloud
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you know. i wouldnt get so privately frustrated everytime i talk with my mum abt me and my brother paying ‘rent’/helping out w food or bills once we both have full time jobs if she at least had the decency to admit she just wants to use the money to pay off her and my dads debts quicker
#x#like. it’s not like i wasn’t planning to help out once i finished uni/got a proper job#i’m not. shameless. regardless of whatever they might think of me. i am in fact aware of the concept of giving back.#but it’s just like the first time it was ever brought up i offhandedly mentioned like. an average of what i thought was a considerate amount#to give. and she was like so obviously appalled? n was like well you know if you were living on ur own you’d be paying 3/4x that right#n suggested double the amount#and i was just like. idk. like no shit it would cost a lot more to live alone#but i’m not doing that am i? i’m staying with YOU. my FAMILY#am i not paying enough with the constant assault on my mental health and well-being by being around my dad here lmao…#did i not spend all my teen years hoping desperately to leave as soon as i could bc i was so miserable#to then find some sort of stability and decide that in this climate itd be better off to stay at home#like. it upsets me bc i’m just trying to think about saving up enough for the smallest hope of a pipe dream of my brother and i buying a#house together in the future. just SOMETHING just for ourselves for a sense of security#and i’ve told this to her like don’t you think me and harry should be saving as much as we can now while we live home…#bc they’re planning to abandon us in a couple years and go back to colombia anyways lmao. so it’s not like we won’t be paying rent ourselves#by the time we’re 25#which will make saving most of our money harder lmao#anyways she was like you’ll still be able to save a lot of ur money now! it’s not like i’m taking all ur money!#and i just feel like she’s missing the point idk. like. AUGH i’ve lost steam of my argument#but like. it’s not like they’re in a dire situation. like up until now when harry paid his first months worth of ‘rent’ they’d been managing#fine … like obviously everything is more expensive and we’re being more careful but like. it’s not some sort of emergency#she just wants us to ‘help out’ to teach us or whatever. and bc it’s right. bc they’re our parents#which. FINE like again i was never opposed to it ever i’m not an idiot or selfish i get it#but once i start working between me and harry we’ll be paying for half the rent. and we ALREADY buy groceries/food in general when we notice#there isn’t any at home#i hate feeling like i’m an awful entitled child for feeling upset abt it but i just feel like she setting us up to struggle just that Little#bit more when she leaves us alone in this country. and i’ve been stressing abt that since i knew that was their plan when i was like 12!#i don’t want her gentle little suggestions of helping out money wise to be couched in fucking. duty or responsibility to them as my parents#just ADMIT IT to me the money is going to go to paying your debts. just say it to me. it doesn’t sting as much that way. my god
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I had a programming midterm today and istg some people are just stupid
#we had to say if it was possible (not even do it just say if you can) to turn a recursive function to iterative#the function was literally if n==0 return 0 else return n+f(n-1)#and ppl are arguing with me that its not possible to do it#i dont give a fuck if its final recursivity or not or whatever the fuck that means#clearly just with a for from 0 to n adding i every run you get the same answer💀💀#and people are like omg what did you answer!! no bc it wasnt final you added n!! no omg you srsly did it wrong?#my guys i have no idea what these words mean#i said yeah man its possible look and just wrote the code#we literally had an entire mandatory exercise meant to see that it isnt always gonna be how it says in the notes#just think about it for 5 seconds😭😭 we have literally talked about the factorial which is basically exactly the same#idgaf what your notes say my friend#god some people dont know how to think for over 2 seconds#also finishing exams past 20 is criminal cant we just start at like 16??#mine#uni
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#i tried to write down this little logan idea three(!!!) times and i can't#it's starting to get really frustrating#i want to talk about it but in a better put together way than how i started the first post#i let the proper story thing go but... i still want to write a post#i can't do anything today i can't believe it#i wanted to draw charles but all i did was downloading pics#i wanted to start a birthday gift again but i still haven't started looking for references yet#i have less energy than i had when uni finished and now it starts again soon#i honestly don't know what's going on#my useless posts
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Guess what, I've worked what probably amounts to half of my total hours, in one fucking month. My store is resting on my shoulders, it seems, and boy do I feel that. I have not had a moment's rest since my vacation, and uh, it's probably not sustainable? Maybe?
Anyway. Guess who's going to be travelling for hours on end and then arrive just a day before a mandatory University lecture? It's me!
#text_loke#i'm also curious what my boss is going to say when he gets back. and looks at my nightmare hours#because uh. i've worked. wayyyy too much these last few months#and i am. halfway. tempted to make a little bit of a racket to the higher ups to argue my way for a higher percentage position#because i have not worked 20% in a WHILE. gimme my 40% because i for damn sure have earned it#i also. somehow. need to squeeze in the time to read the books for my Masters. because uh. i'm also doing that#can you tell i'm living by a thread rn? my sister legit just moved out yesterday and i have NOT had time to process that#i still don't have time! i won't have time!#so i shall grin and bear it as i always do!#ahjshdd legit tho. yesterday i had barely had anything to eat due to my schedule being PACKED#i woke up after five hours of sleep finished the postbox for my sister RAN out the door for Uni at 11. and when done at Uni went work#my coworker thought me insane yesterday for bouncing on my feet with barely any food in my body. or sleep#however. it's just how i am. i can just. grin and go on with my day and function when my body is Barely Responding#i will just. not be quite intelligent because my brain is Slow#also. i was NOT happy being one hour extra at work today. like it WAS worth it and i did it freely#but also i wanted to go home. but. closing shift needed my help and i had to make sure everything was ok before i left#however. i have. so much bullshit i must do tomorrow. fuck#anyway. if y'all are curious as to where i've been these last few months. my answer is dying (work and uni). i am perished#i have barely any time for myself anymore. i'm not mad about it or anything. not even like. burnt out (knock on wood)#however. i do feel the toll. i do wish i could just. do fun things again. hopefully when uni properly starts and i go to my ACTUAL CONTRACT#i can then finally relax. right now however. not so much#hopefully they won't need me next week tho. because i cannot. at all#anyway. if i didn't already know i was a workaholic i sure do now!
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Had a talk w my profs/employers earlier about renewing my contract where one of the things we talked about how I missed so many of the Thursday-group-meetings cause I was sick/had doctors appointments.
We also agreed to have another talk on our next meeting.
Just had to email them to tell them I couldn't make it bc I remembered I had a neurologist appointment that day.
Stay tuned to see if I lose my job I guess :D
#Tbf I feel like it's coming to its end anyways#I'm technically almost done w my degree but the few things I'm missing I don't feel able to do bc of my disability#And they only want to employ me / legally can keep me a student as long as I intend to finish which I am but like... Idk if I can do it#But their patience is running out and also at one point the uni will kick me out so#Anyways I'm extremely anxious now and sometimes telling someone what makes me anxious helps me get rid of the thought spiral#But I don't want to tell an individual cause then I actually have to talk about it so that's why I'm making this rant post#Anyways love my avoidant style of problem solving which doesn't actually solve any problems but just makes them worse and worse#Has worked out great for me the last 300000 times I did it#Which is actually funny to say cause like most of the time it did actually work out but just would have been immensly easier if I did it#Right away#But still every time I feel like the world will end#.... Maybe I should go back to therapy#It's been 2 years so I think I could again?#Would love to go to my last therapist bc she really helped me while I worked w her but it'd also be extremely embarrassing to be like#Hey girl remember like t h e thing we worked on for 2 years and I made great progress w? Well guess who just let it get extremely bad again#Granted this time it's not just my avoiding but my memory slash concentration issues due to my fatigue also play an extremely big role
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Studying for a test and all of a sudden my fanfic wips and books on my shelf are looking mighty appealing
#i haven’t touched either in over a month#pls let me just learn about speech acoustics#let me at least finish the two books I HAVE been trying to read gor a month at this point#reading because internet and a room with a view#or at least I was before classes happened again#let me respond to that ao3 comment and finish my fic#no no no learn about sound waves or whatever#i genuinely like this shit I just overreact whenever there’s a graded assignment#I also cry because I used to do so much physics before uni and genuinely did well in the class. it wa some of my strongest subjects#and now here I am being pathetic because my silly linguistics test has a bit of maths#I still have the same scientific calculator from… nearly 9 years ago#I had the.. idea to study audio engineering at one point#and then I took calculus and physics and did not like trig and simple harmonic motion#so I gave up on those dreams because yuck#and now here I am having signed up willingly for thsi vlass cuz I want to get better at spectrogram readings#and you know what#don’t mind me being dramatic#Irving rambles#procastination
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