#what a waste of my life lmao. like yeah im glad i wrote a lot for a few years there. definitely a good skill and some good practice

[danielnelsen]

im reading all my old hwu fanfics oh god.. like i was a decent writer but some of the stuff i wrote smh......... and like.. the ships. or one in particular. had to write for the most popular ship if i wanted anyone to read anything i wrote but please know that i HATED it

[wavesmp3]

directors cut: oasis

[doing this entirely for myself, out of pure self indulgence lol] [this will be very messy/poorly organized and there will be spoilers]

okay so where to even begin omg..... we will start with the origins of oasis:

its actually, techinically a spin off of the world from this drabble with dino from svt. which the world in this drabble is what the world from oasis would look like very far in the future. but i changed a lot between writing that drabble and creating oasis. but there should be a scene in the drabble that is very similar to a part in oasis (hint: the first vision they got from saskila was not just a random vision with no meaning.......hehe)

but that drabble (its titled dreamscapes) was inspired by a mix of this post on tumblr about how nuclear waste warning signs sounded very cool and the book that i was reading called the children of blood and bone by tomi adeyemi

and then after i had made that drabble i saw dee’s (@/atbzkingdom’s) post about the time capsule collab, and i had a couple ideas of what i could do for it but i ultimately decided on what would eventually become oasis !! so i guess we really have dee and that collab to thank for this piece lol

now for the timeline of me writing:

so i started outlining this piece in the first couple days of january, and normally outlines take me a while to come up with just because i struggle in coming up with plot, but i knew that my spring semester of classes would be starting soon and that I didn’t have a lot of time so i just sort of grinded an outline out as well several paragraphs of pure worldbuilding. 

and then i started writing

and wow i was Really writing!! at my peak productivity i was easily getting down like 2k a day which for me is insane (for reference, i wrote 1k a day for tsiytt and i struggled my way through that) 

but then life happens classes had begun and my writing for oasis slowly become nothing... 

i really only found the time to work on the piece every other weekend, so i was really nervous that i wouldn’t finish in time (which technically i didn’t cause it was supposed to come out march 1st) but luckily i did

and at some point in february, i had lost so much of my momentum and motivation for this piece that i almost gave up on it. (at this point i was writing the scenes after they find the seat of wisdom destroyed) but again luckily i did not, but i personally can definitely see a decline in the quality of my writing towards the end (i mean maybe its in my head, but its sort of like i can see the loss of love for the wip in my writing at the end of it)

but don’t misunderstand, i still love oasis!! and in all honesty, i’m already considering starting a second draft to it, which is way sooner than i thought i would lol

also when i started writing this piece, i began writing it in the order that it would be read, but then halfway i switched to writing chronologically

anyways, something i learned while writing this piece, is that writing is a marathon. whereas, even with my longer pieces, i always viewed writing as a sprint. so as i start venturing into original works and more lengthy pieces of writing, i think this was a very valuable lesson for me to have learned.

okay now to the good stuff lol: [the first word of the bullet about the next chapter (?) is bolded for some crumbs of an organized commentary]

so this is jumping to the first past bit... but when i first wrote farah i had a very different plan for her character than who she ended up being. i had imagined that she’d be a lot more cold and a tough love sort of person. so that’s who i was writing when she’s first introduced in the flashback, but she very quickly become a much kinder full of love sort of person. but anyways i mention this because whenever i read that first part and the introduction of her character, i’m always a bit taken aback by how like mean here character is to crown then lol

also zoar !!!! its a terrible place, but i love that underground city

i also wrote the first flashback after i had written the scene where crown and chanhee are talking at his place in andhor, so the whole “fearless” connection was done very purposefully here since i knew how it’d be referenced in the next scene. someone mentioned this small connection in their reblog but i cant remember who 

also rashi is my favorite character xD

i personally think how crown and chanhee became friends (the running thing) is so cute 

this first bit of conversation between crown and chanhee when it switches back to the present and chanhee is giving them a tour of andhor is actually quite important to me, in the sense that its the first glimpse of how their actual relationship works and how they act together and just like their dynamic despite the fact that they havent seen each other in so long 

and yeah i think kyu mentioned this and a few others, but i love how awkward it is when chanhee and crown are in his home in andhor, cause one: they havent seen each other in years! but also: anyone else find going to someone’s place for the first time oddly intimate, like wow you’re opening up your home to me and now suddenly idk how to sit or stand or what to do with my arms... maybe just me LMAO

DUDE i struggled so hard with making it so that chanhee knew how impossible this whole mission was going to be without actually revealing that he knows about the mirror. it was so hard for me, hopefully it came out alright though. if anyone is reading this, did the twist(s) come as a shock to you? did you see it coming? or did it feel like it came out of absolutely no where and not in a good way?

yes i did name the desert after the department store kohls .....

i was so excited to explain all the mage types, i had so much fun writing this whole chapter 

fun fact: there was originally another sub group of psyche mages called dream mages who had like powers with dreams and stuff, but it ended up being irrelevant and really underdeveloped so it took it out

if anyone else was raised catholic or is catholic then i’d hope you recognize the names of all the relics.... i stole them from a prayer in the rosary whoops

it took me very long time to figure out exactly how the whole soul for the relic business would work, and idk if im a 100% satisfied with what it is/how it works/how it plays into rashi giving chanhee the locket

the note new gives crown.... the first slice of their friendship blooming, bro i eat that shit up 

this part where crown and rashi are talking after the lesson is actually one of my favorites. (like i said i love rashi, but i just really love her interreacting with crown, i think they have such an interesting dynamic and one that i’ve seen irl a lot between students and teachers, where the student adores the teacher... i’ll get more into this later) but moving on, i like it for a number of reasons. one: it’s the first time we as readers get to see rashi talk outside of her role as lesson master. two: i love crown getting this validation from rashi. it’s not really expanded on a lot, but crown’s magic is definitely a bit of an insecurity for them, in the way that they don’t feel like it belongs to them. but here rashi comes, this person that crown looks up to so much, and telling crown that they’re a bit similar when it comes to having magic. and surprising crown by comforting them. and... idk i just really love this moment for crown.

okay this line: “You call your mom Rashi?” is a lowkey reference to game plan,, if anyone knows what i’m talking about then please come clown me for nearly having the entire movie memorized 

oh, i also find the capital really cool. in my head the capital was always one huge building that contains an entire city but i realized while editing that i never really explained that, so idk if i successfully described the capital as cool as it is to me 

also the five friends part.....CUTE

when chanhee says “i know. i remember.” !!! girl i felt that line with my entire chest. idk why

okay wait this part: “But that knowledge seems to fall flat right now. Because despite everything, curiosity won the war.” i love it so much, its that tiny of sliver of hope that gets me personally

i think this part where crown’s pride is so hurt by no one telling them about chanhee’s healing magic is quite important because its a glimpse of how stubborn and prideful and headstrong of a character they can be 

also this : “ ‘and do you believe everything rashi says’ / without hesitation, you answer, ‘yes, of course’ “ this is another example of how highly crown thinks of rashi while growing up, almost to a fault. to the point where crown thought rashi could do no wrong. which i think is so interesting to think about when contrasted with the fight crown and chanhee have in the jungle where crown is the one discussing how rashi was wrong. i just like how much growth crown has had between all these years. and their opinion / perspective on rashi is one of the largest indicators of that growth. 

I also just really like that paragraph where shadow vs healing is explained... I think chanhee’s magic is so sick

oh also the names thing.... I can’t remember where I got the idea to do that from but im so glad I did. its one of my favorite aspects to this world, and it looks like a lot of other people enjoyed it as well. but apart from the intimacy of it, i love how the use of names affects one’s magic. and that paragraph where they go through all that a mage could do with a name. it gives me chills. just cause.... the possibilities

so many people have mentioned this line.... but I must too, so this part: “magic always comes with a price. this is new’s” ..... crazy

saskila scares me omg

again the first vision they see is not a random scene.... the easter eggs I planted with that mwahaha

yeah that scene where they’re outside the tent discussing who should give their name to saskila..... I love that scene chanhee’s “I don’t have anyone but you” and crown deflecting all that tension with the pinky promise and the saskila calling them lovers.... mwah

this random scene about the hot summer and laying with Farah and new in the gardens is another one of my favorite, it’s just so sweet

but this next scene makes me so sad

like I know what happens and I know that everything turns out okay but I get so scared for crown

yeah just that entire part after Rashi gets to them and when they’re going to the infirmary and before crown passes out... I love that whole part. i think i did an effective job of writing the gravity of that whole moment. cause it makes me a little stunned every time I read it. and I was pretty nervous about not being able to do that scene and that moment justice so I’m glad it turned out like it did

and again this line: magic always comes with a price, and in your case, it comes with several.

okay this part after they jump out of the ship and crown is talking to Chanhee but that other dude is talking too... I hope it’s not too confusing. I really wanted to show through the writing that this was all happening at the same time, but idk it came out well. like in my mind I have such a clear picture of this scene, but I have no clue if I did effective job of showing you guys what I’m seeing through the writing

oh yeah, crowns thing about dual wielding and engulfing the blades in flames.... I find that so cool. they’re so sick for that

yeah also the part where crowns hurt and they give Chanhee their name and they use it.... great moment, but I feel like my writing is a bit lacking here. i just know it could be better.

I think at this point of writing my classes had started, and again the disparity in writing quality is so obvious to me 

but the line where chanhee is describing how it all feels, and it says “chanhee feels golden” was inspired by daylight by taylor swift, theres a line in that song that goes “i used to think love would be burning red, but its golden” and like hello the parallels between that and crown’s fire magic.... something to think about 

so this next part where it’s back to the past and crown is getting in trouble (as crown does) but the part where crown is like asking but not directly asking for rashi’s name.... that part is so crazy to me cause it’s feels so out of place. but it was purposeful. i was trying to show that crown’s growing and that they’re at this weird age where they feel invincible. and also i wanted to put more emphasis on how being royal and the heir to the throne kind of effects the relationships crown has

and the last line of this part when rashi says “never abuse it” it gives me chills whew

the next part ... another part that i had high hopes for in the outlining stages of writing, but when it came to actually writing, this scene totally flopped, i’m gonna try not to dwell on this part too much cause i just know most of my comments will be about how much i don’t like it. but just overall, this scene could have been SO MUCH BETTER !

omg this little interaction: ““Look!” Chanhee deadpans, shooting you a glare. “The match is about to begin.” / “Wish me luck.” /  “I hope you lose.”” i think its so funny and cute

“ Your eyes immediately got to Rashi “ another example of how highly crown regards rashi 

“In Wurltan.” hmmmmmm sus.... *laughs in i love mentioning things that won’t make sense to reader until later*

okay this: “Yes, but not just any mage. I…” your voice trails off, pulling at your fingers and looking anywhere but at him. “I wanted you to know.” i cannot stand these two omg 

okay this part: “Chanhee thinks and overthinks the words spoken between you both. His mind drifts off to last night as well, that moment in the tent where you shared your warmth. He doesn’t even realize he’s staring at you until you give him a funny look. He quickly looks away and wonders if you’re overthinking everything as relentlessly as he is.” this part makes me think about what ina said about how chanhee shows his love by keeping you in his thoughts and YEAH chanhee’s love language in this piece is thinking about you and staring LOL

i hate this next part, not cause i don’t like it or anything it just makes me sad 

but this line: “Like if someone shoved you from behind right now, you wouldn’t push back; you’d let yourself fall straight to the ground.” i actually love that line

also this next entire bit i see SO clearly in mind, i hope i wrote it well enough so that you all saw it clearly too

when chanhee wipes the dirt.... girl i’m wiping my tears 

this line : “We’ll lean on each other.” mini love declaration sighhhhhh

yeah that whole part i love so much 

the seat of wisdom :(((( no!!!!!

so about this line: “He stares at his palms, at all the lies buried under each nail and at all the secrets shoved in every crack. He watches as they all blow up in front of his face.” >> i had like ten different versions of it before i settled on this one lol

okay so the first part of the last past flashback with crown realizing their true feelings... so soft 

news gone, rashis’s dead, :((( it makes me so sad

gosh okay this paragraph..... “I’ve always wondered why the gods blessed me and you the way that they have. They entrusted you with such great power. The only person to be both a healing and shadow mage in centuries. And then,” a tear falls from her eye, “they entrusted you to me.” Chanhee thinks this might be the first time he’s seen Rashi cry. “But now I have reason to believe that this was no accident. I’m beginning to think that the gods have always known it would come to this. And I’m starting,” she falters there, “I’m starting to spite them for it.”  it hurts so bad im sorry 

the first confrontation with harlan took me so long to write, and i’m still not sure if i actually like it, so again i will refrain from commenting lol

but the part where crown screams : “YOU LOST THE MIRROR OF JUSTICE!”  I think i told kyu this but this line makes me laugh because in my head its said the same way bella says: “you nicknamed my daughter after the lochness monster” whenever i see that line i smile lol

honestly this argument scene..... one of my absolute faves,,, everything lina said about it in that reblog just yes!yes!yes!! i can’t even comment about a particular part because all of it i love so much. its another part that leaves me slightly speechless.

but my favorite part of it might be how it ends hehe

these next couple parts were a bit diffucult to write because obviously the air between crown and chanhee is not very light right now so it was just hard to navigate their dynamic at these moments until they apologize but hopefully it turned out alright

i really like this line: “But this moment—with the scent of Harlan’s wine under his nose and the chill of Harlan’s blade against his neck—this moment feels nothing like those. It feels empty.” 

“ Chanhee just stares at you.“ -- staring as a love language exhibit b 

this whole part... chills bro 

“Chanhee exhales because for the first time since this afternoon he looks at your face and sees you.” -- exhibit c ....

okay wait another one of my favorite parts here: the spilled glass metaphor!! again please reference lina’s rb on this because everything said there... could not have said better myself. inspired by this writing advice by ocean vuong and yeah i just think the metaphor speaks for itself, one of my favorite lines (well paragraph) from the entire piece, actually from ALL of my works 

it was so hard to think up all of yumi’s different names, i was struggling

them talking about how farah will be happy to see chanhee...... how do i break it to you crown.....she’s dead...... awkward

red streak q! yesss. also i’m so sorry for killing off farah 

also kyunyu bestiessss

tbh this whole paragraph: “I get this overwhelming burst of honesty. As if what you both speak of is more than just a simple truth, as if it’s a commandant you blindly follow. What’s even odder is that I only feel that burst when you speak of each other.” Q stops walking and turns so that he faces Chanhee directly. “You speak of Crown constantly. And last night, when I met Crown, your title never left from the tip of their tongue. Humans are so simple really. We mention what we love.” Q pauses for a moment, bringing a hand under his chin. “Do you love Crown?” --i wrote it for myself no regrets

oh wait this bit too : “Quietly, Chanhee says, “I know.” / “Have you been watching?” / “I’ve been waiting.” / “For what?” / He meets your eyes. “For you.”” -- sometimes i do things that live rent free in my own mind

okay im so sorry for just quoting myself but this too : “ He sits back slightly. Shocked. Not by his love for you, but rather by how easily love walked into his heart and settled between his lungs “

lol the part where they try fooling q... why are crown and chanhee like this

the running !!!

yeah also every part after that... tears okay

yumi’s magic !!! its so cool to me, i love it so much 

i surprisingly don’t have much to say about the end... i mean i like it, but i just don’t have any comments. the last line tho... good one shawna

okay im done for you sake i hope no one read this lmao 

[gaylortruther]

(many) tag games

saw someone else do this so i figured i’d go through all my tag games in one looong post instead of spamming you all with a bunch of separate posts!

i’m gonna tag everyone now and yall can choose which tag games you want to do or whether you want to do them all (or whether you want to do any)!!

thanks to everyone who tagged me in all of these! i LOVE being tagged in tag games and i am always up for more! <3

tagging THE SANCTION (including ppl that i haven’t gotten up on the page yet im sorry abfjffsdhsjbjsdf it will happen SOON):  @newdivinities @wolvesofarcadia @maskedlady @victoiirres @sancta-silje @bumblebeesonpaper @wasting-ink-not-youth @horrorspell @ya-lady-tauriel @awritinglen @purpleshadows1989 @ivonoris @theforgottencoolkid @the-ichor-of-ruination @grotesqu-e @lucacangettathisass @tea-ndi @hazeywrites @lunar895 @thewordsinthesky-andstars

[LAST LINE TAG]

TAGGED BY  @melwrotethat AND @hazeywrites

thank you both for the tags! these are the last few lines of the prologue-excerpt-thing i wrote for the page i’m working on for WHERE THE CELLAR MEETS THE SKY

Somehow, Collin hears them. Silently, she rolls up her sleeve, and Rowan feels the Collin Sutherland they knew is somewhere far, far away. The tattoos are black, geometric in design, two on each arm, and eerily similar to the ones Rowan has just discovered on their own left arm. They're sure if they were to roll up their right sleeve, they would find more.

"I should have told you a long time ago," Collin whispers. "I didn't know you were a part of it, but I should have guessed. I didn't want to put you in danger."

"I'm not- I don't- in danger of what?"

The waves crash onto the shore, and in the distance, a seagull cries, sending Collin into action. She grabs Rowan's hand and starts pulling, dragging them back behind the house.

"Come on. We don't have a lot of time, we have to get going. I can tell you everything on the way. I don't know why he brought me here instead of straight to the veil, damn it-,"

"Wait!," they say, wrenching their hand out of her grasp. "Just- stop! Where are we going?!"

Collin's eyes flash bright, despite the lack of sunlight. "Home."

yeah, a bit long, a bit unedited, but *shrugs*

[SPELL OUT UR URL USING SONG TITLES]

TAGGED BY @tea-ndi

thank you sage!!! <3

hard feelings/loveless | lorde

another one of those days | cavetown

let’s fall in love for the night | FINNEAS

ocean eyes | billie eilish

honey and milk | flower face

i know | king princess ft fiona apple

dreamz | sara king

iloveyou | BETWEEN FRIENDS

nobody’s home | gnash

greek god | conan gray

sycamore girl | rex orange county 

and there you have a small sample of my music taste! add in literally every taylor swift song (dont judge me), some lo-fi tunes without ANY words whatsoever, and the occasional fall out boy or panic at the disco goddamn absolute banger, and you have my XANDERS JAMS playlist on spotify. ENJOY

[11/11/11 TAG]

TAGGED BY @awritinglen <333333333333333333333333

thank you for tagging me len!!! your questions were so fun!! i’m doing this for WHERE THE CELLAR MEETS THE SKY

Name all OCs in your WIP

OMFG okay,,, wait do you mean full names?? POV characters as of rn are Collin Aisling Sutherland, Rowan Tilley (doesn’t have a middle name) and Avery Bristol Charter. then the next most important one is Isaac Michael Rosewell, even though he’s the antagonist. then the side characters that are still very featured are Noah Rosalyn Pratten, Reese Iseul Radley, and Sage Emarosa Delgado. THEN we get into the very very side characters, Willa Robinson and her son August Robinson. then we have Avery’s parents, Alaric and the late Octavia Charter. and thennnnn we have Beldane Moreno, Avery’s uncle and Collin’s grandfather (undecided abt that last name but going w it for now). i promise it all makes sense. i promise anfnfsjnfdjsfd

Name at least one hobby your Main character love

i’ll give this one to Collin, she is a musician! Avery’s mother always taught her music before The Accident (dun dun dunnn) and after Collin was abandoned in the Nigh she threw herself into music. she plays guitar mostly, but she secretly loves piano the best out of every instrument she knows

3 sentences about your current WIP

OOF. im so bad at summaries why would you do this to meee abfhshjbsbshfjsbf. “A determined believer wants to return to a home that never wanted her. Almost 4000 miles away, an incisive, intellectual outcast of a dreamer muses over getting out of their hometown. And infinities away from them both, a teenage revolutionary disappears into thin air, on his way to bring back his past and fix his (and everyone’s) future.”

Is there a romance in your WIP and did you plan it from the beginning?

yes! there are three! they are definitely a main focus of the plot, but not THE main focus. Reese and Rowan were definitely planned from the beginning. Collin and Noah were, too, but they weren’t originally enemies to lovers, and they are now (hehehehehe). and Isaac and Avery were DEFINITELY not planned from the beginning. in fact, Avery was originally paired up with Sage, but it’s literally so much better this way and i’m so glad it’s been changed. Isaac and Avery has been planned since about when Isaac’s character was thought up, one year into planning WTCMTS.

What genre(s) is it?

a mix of dystopia and urban fantasy. and it’s YA, borderline NA because some of the characters are 19-20, but i still think YA is appropriate because of the style of writing.

What’s the aesthetic of two of your characters?

fun question! Collin’s aesthetic is very emo-punk, with a splash of yellow towards the end of the series. piercings, blue hair, rips on clothing, dirty converse, smudged eyeliner, safety pins. the yellow comes in as part of her character arc, as she learns to accept that her childhood memories are tainted and not actually perfect utopia. Rowan is way more minimalist (sometimes). they’re into the bookstagram type aesthetic, and mom jeans with sneakers, jean jackets, plants against a white wall, colorblocked windbreakers, rain against a car window.

When did you start your current WIP?

WTCMTS was started in august of 2017 

How far along are you in the process (i.e 1st/2nd/3rd draft, worldbuilding)

still worldbuilding, unfortunately, for personal reasons

Who’s the hardest character for you to write?

OOOOOOF. sage or rowan?

What music genre best decribes your main character(s) and whats their favorite?

Collin - alternative (favorite band would be like twenty one pilots, p!atd) 

Rowan - ichillwave (clario, rex orange county)

Avery - emo (fall out boy, all time low)

Isaac - indie alternative OR instrumental lofi (jaymes young, birdy)

Noah - electropop (lorde, halsey, charlie xcx)

Reese - folk rock (the head and the heart, of monsters and men)

Sage - indie pop (lana del ray, florence + the machine)

Are you working on more than one WIP?

yes! i have four currently but only two are important lol, ILLUNIUS and WHERE THE CELLAR MEETS THE SKY (this one). WIP PAGE

MY QUESTIONS

how did you come up with the title for your WIP?

is there anything you want to change about your WIP but you are hesitating on?

do you have a favorite character? a character that is your baby?

write a tinder bio for one of your characters.

how do you feel about epilogues? does your wip include an epilogue?

what changes does your MC go through over the course of the story?

what is the most significant insignificant thing that happens in your story? don’t explain why it is significant if it spoils things ;)

do you know what will happen after the ending of your wip, or would you rather not picture it?

how long does your wip span? is it a novel? a series? does it have prequels or spin-off wips?

what is a major internal conflict for your MC? 

do you include flashbacks in your wip? do you like writing flashbacks?

[HOW TO KNOW YOU’RE IN A ______ NOVEL TAG]

TAGGED BY @writevevo​ AND @wolvesofarcadia​

thank you both for this tag! it’s so much fun and both of your novels sound like novels that would be very interesting to be stuck in :D

inspired by this post

HOW TO KNOW YOU’RE IN A HALOHIDINGS NOVEL

you’re an older sibling and you have a younger sibling. you’re extremely bitter towards your younger sibling for stealing opportunities from you, damning you to a life you never truly wanted. your younger sibling adores you and just wants to please you. they never meant to do it. 

you’re stuck in constant, wistful wanderlust, never feeling like you truly belong, never fitting in anywhere, not with friends, not with family, and when you finally find the place you’ve been looking for, you realize it’s nothing like you dreamed or remembered.

you’re not heterosexual. no one around you is. no one is cisgender either. where are they? no one knows. 

you have a peculiar capability dancing under your skin. it trickles from your pores and muddles with your mind. maybe you asked for it, maybe it was predestined, maybe you never wanted anything to do with it. whatever the reason, it’s there, and you don’t know what’s you and what’s it. maybe you’re not meant to ask. maybe you’re meant to succumb. 

your memories are as fickle as the rain, coming and going and breaking through the clouds, shattering the fog and disappearing with the sun. you can’t recall what you’re doing here, or where you’re meant to be instead. what’s your name?, they ask. you don’t know.

there are two worlds. one world is blissfully unaware of this, or at least, as unaware as any world of millions and millions of people can be. no secret can be kept forever, they tell you. you are desperately trying to keep the secret.

the one closest to you, despite your abhorrent denial of this fact, the one you would trust with your life, will betray you. because of their decision, their selfishness, you will either lose them, or lose yourself.

THOSE WERE SO FUN OMG. they all mostly apply to both of my major wips, which is probably bad. oh well LMAO

SORRY THAT WAS SOOOOOOOO LONG hope at least someone does one of these tag games lol <3 

xander out

[stuclyblrs]

uhhhh hi s/o to me for never fucking posting this over the summer even tho i wrote it so here’s a very late “first year of college reflection that i put off for too long and now dont rmr everything i wanted to talk about” post :]  even tho my first semester of soph year is almost done lolol so look out for another reflection post in two weeks or so 

im gonna /try/ and organize this but i def i wanna do this for my own sake and as a good post to look back on when i graduate ya know :^) i do wish i had wrote a post first about my expectations but i didnt (((if ur curious before we dive into this post heres class reflections from first semester and heres second semester)))

now one thing i did have was a letter to ourselves that we were required to write for our cohorts so lets look at that a little !! jkjk i cant find it LMAO only thing i rmr from it tho was a gpa goal which i 100% did not meet first semester but my overall gpa for the year reached it so thats good :^) and i can tell i got happier based on what i do rmr

some college life/nyc life

i love it

thats all i really have to say

being in the city is soooo amazing i love just being able to walk everywhere and take public transport when going somewhere far (on a related note my car died so like jakgnj wont have that problem in a city!)

this is all on me tho but i didnt take advantage of living in nyc tho :((( the only time i went to a play is when my mom and aunt came to visit and i only went to one museum and that was the day i moved out cause i wasnt abt to leave without going to one skngeujkg

IM SO SOCIAL NOW !!!!! i didnt rly have any friends outside of school during high school so i never did anything but now !!! i have friends !!! rly good friends too and idk im just really lucky to have met them and a lot of it was just being in the right place at the right time kind of thing so !! if anything im the most social of my friend group lol im always trying to get everyone to do smth together but they never want to :((((

school itself

uhh okay so i am very mixed on this and i think i have more regrets than anything else sigh :/// i went in undecided like most ppl and in all honesty i came out even more lost and confused which (might start to get negative here sorry) is really frustrating and it makes me feel like i wasted a whole year :/// i just knew deep down before i began the year that i didnt want to study something non-stem and i let too many people convince me that i should go for something else and i listened to all of them......... i didnt hate the classes i was taking so it didnt ruin the year for me or anything but im just behind and lost that year to figure out /which/ path i want... given its harder to do stem majors in 3yrs im worried about making this big change in my life b/c what if i fail ??? what if i hate it ??? but im trying smth new and i just hope it works out

college itself tho....... infinitely better than high school. i knew in highschool that it was Bad but coming to college and then coming back home and hearing updates that were going on at my high school and just yeah....... pls it never really hit me just how restrictive high school was - we had two late night fire alarms in my dorm and it was like ??? we can just leave the area if we want ??? we dont have to stay nearby the dorm like how we had to stay with our classes during fires at school ??? idk it was a weird thought that hey, im in control of myself here and i like not having classes for 7hrs straight lmao - for my high school friends reading this i swear it gets better people werent lying about it

IN CONCLUSION idk what else to say lol cause i shouldve done this right when the semester ended.... but given that i was very sad when i moved out i think thats a sign that my first year was more good than it was bad and im just glad that im that im in the college that im in and that ive been having a mostly good experience

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

ah yeah i suppose ur right. yeah i think quarentine has had that sort of effect on a lot of people :( sorry to hear abt ur strict parents, hopefully ur friend will be able to come back soon. small outings (even with family) are still good tho, make sure ur taking care of urself toff.

youre totally right! ah yes thats good advice (/gen) ill try and use that when im in a slump ty. any music suggestions?

lol sames. even some of the stuff abt seungmin, innie etc is a little uncomfortable, like theyre grown ass men for sure, but at the same time, theyre still young, still just over being a teenager in the grand scheme of things. (on that note, i do struggle with worrying that im infantalising them, obviously theyre adults but at the same time, theyre still young. i do treat all fictional characters as my children, but i guess its different when its real people. idk. what do you think?) yeah some stans rlly need to take a chill pill, some are rlly walking the wire between 'ah theyre attractive/that look rlly suits them' and making fucking smut fics abt minors, like... they do not see a problem with that?? yeah tbh i feel like unless theyre 18 they shouldnt be put into the spotlight, weve seen what it does to peoples mental health, but modern day kpop industry is a lot like old hollywood with a lot of popular child actors -_- hopefully the big companies will learn but i agree, its unlikely

suuuuure toff haha. ill go searching for them, but idk if ill be able to find the fluff needle in the angst haystack (jkjk) yeah, fair i groan and complain but you do write angst etc rlly well, so if its what ur comfortable with, then pls continue, it is one of your strong suits, well as you write fluff aside

ah okay good! ill continue to send you essays then

THE ALBUM YES. so ive been looking forward to it for literally months, this is actually my first skz album release as a stay (since the last on was 9 months ago) i was sitting there hitting refresh on my spotify the second 6pm kst came around. (speaking of which, how did you do the release? i couldnt decide whether to watch or listen first but i ended up on listening cos there would be more material) okay: so cheese was super cool, very skz ya know? tho i almost wish theyd made domino the title track, tho obv it was a more experimental track and would have been a bit controversial (much like whistle for bp) i looooved domino and thunderous was absolutely impeccable. all the songs were amazing but standouts were- secrets, secrets which lowkey made me tear up idk why, red lights which almost killed me (it did not have to go that hard, but it did) and OT8 WOLFGANG omgggg i wasnt sure if hyunjin was going to be included in it but i was hoping and, ya know people had said hed be in there, but the further i got in, the less i was sure and then BAM hyunjin started what had been jisung's part and i just sat there grinning for about 5 minutes. surfin was absolutely adorable and gone away almost made me cry AGAIN. star lost was so touching, almost a nod to hyunjins little star? silent cry was relatable beyond anything. SSICK was funny? for some reason I was laughing while it was playing, idk the combination of added cheering and minhos aggressiveness and the totall seriousness they sung it. but i rlly enjoyed it. sorry i love you showcased their vocals like nothing else. the view is THE BOP of 2021, absolutely going to be stuck in my head for the next decade, that hook is genius. what did you think?

also did you watch their grow up performance? with all the stays and ALL THE TEARS? ;n; i feel like this is the end of an era of skz and tbh im kinda happy but also sad. super excited for their promotions but super bummed they wont get to tour. ah well

<3 w.a. 🐺

answer under the cut bc i gave an equally long answer to this already long ask HAJSH

oh yeah, abt quarantine having an effect. my friend and i talked about this earlier actually. i didn't realize the world was moving so fast until the pandemic happened. being in quarantine gave me time to think and i got to know myself more. it's just the sole good thing i got out of the isolation lmao. and abt my strict parents, ironically i got to go out today so i got to hang out with a few of my bestfriends. i had fun but my legs are a bit sore from walking. but they're a different set of friends. i'll get to hang out with the others when my getaway driver comes home in december.

hmm music recommendations for writing? depends on the plot you're writing. care to share what story you're working on and i'll try to rake my brain for a song that might match the vibe. i listen to classical / lo-fi if i don't have song inspo for a fic because lyrics sometimes distract me.

i don't think that's infantilizing tho. for me, it has something to do with my environment and the way i was raised. maybe it's the same the other way around? like this certain age (for the ones above 18 but below 20) is thirst-able for them. idk really. it's just not for me ?n? what i do NOT condone is writing smut for minors??? like get checked : D // i agree with everything with the idols being 18+ before they debut simply because it's for the best for their well-being like. how can young idols decide that this shit is the thing they want to do for life? or at least until their contracts last. idk :// it's unfortunate that it's unlikely to happen.

WELL. i have a list so you won't have to go search for them! in class (minho), in the rain (seungmin), gladius maximus (chan) and you've read five star already. and i just realized that most, if not all, of my upcoming fics are fluffs and i'm fond of all of them :D i used to focus a lot on angst because fluff disgusted the living shit out of me. i think things changed when i wrote champagne problems and hurt myself so bad i wanted to drop angst entirely. i didn't, of course, but i allowed myself to be self-indulgent now.

for the release of the album, i was on twt and watched the vid at 12 views (if i remember correctly, i watched back door at 14 so HASJH) i’m gonna talk by track so it wont be too confusing? bc i wrote this in paragraph format and it just ???? beware im very picky with tracks even if they’re my ults. so no offense if we have opposing opinions and i’m not fond of reading lyrics so these are all music wise.

cheese - oh god i hated cheese at first listen but it grew on me easily. i was singing the yeahyeahyeahyeah bit all day today :D

thunderous - i cant say that it’s my favorite title track. it felt really dry sometimes, both mv and music wise. but at the same time, it’s not that bad. the choreography carried the song tho o.O it’s so fucking cool. but like go live, another track has my heart and it’s

domino - AND YES I AGREE THAT THEY SHOULDVE MADE DOMINO TITLE TRACK UGHHHHH WHAT A WASTED FUCKING OPPORTUNITY. WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW FOND I AM OF THIS SONG. it stands close to the level i love easy.

ssick - was a skip on first listen too because i found the chorus underwhelming but it grew on me? not that much but i can bear listening to it.

the view - it’s something the gen public like, hence its something i dislike. im not fond of songs that are structured like this? it’s not a bad song, just not the type of song i like. but i agree that the hook is very not catchy but it would get stuck in ur head.

sorry, i love you - it’s not as sad as i expected but i actually like it??? i can’t wait to write a fic out of it (1) HAJSHAJ it’s like a 3/5 for me. it’s angsty but chill?

silent cry - i’m pissed at this song bc it hits but sometimes it doesn’t?@?#!? but it’s starting to grow on me but definitely not my fave track.

secret secret - glad i found a secret secret enthusiast because my irls thought it was a skip?$?#@$? it gives me ikon vibes and i’m a huge fan of ikon’s discog so this was a win for me T_T +

STAR LOST - gives me bigbang song vibes and now im very sad :(( in case u didnt know, i’m a hUGE yg fan and 2ne1/bigbang introduced me to kpop so when i heard this track that gave me yg feels i just <3___<3 and it’s one of my favorite tracks anw moving on,

red lights - I WANT TO SKIP THE FIRST TEN SECONDS OF RED LIGHTS EVERY TIME IT PLAYS LIKE IT MAKES ME FEEL AWKWARD KDSJFSK but fine. i’m adding this to props and mayhem’s playlist LMAO it’s more aggressive than sexc tho. more enemies to lovers o. O

surfin’ - this coming right after red lights just wasn’t the best decision arrangement wise because how did we go from ooh sexc to aigh pARTAY. felix saying sheesh T___T it’s such a fun song i want to go to the beach ;n; do you like beaches?

gone away - i have yet to read the lyrics because i’m using this as inspo for a jeongin fic jskjash it’s not the type of ballad i like but it’s so fucking sad to listen to :’ ) the pitch change caught me off guard? still does. it’ll grow on me prolly.

wolfgang - I YELLED WHEN I HEARD HYUNJIN IN WOLFGANG. i didn’t like this song until recently. it gives me the confidence boost i need to pick myself off self-esteem crashes.

and no i haven't watched that performance and i prolly wont because i’ll cry. i’m excited for the promotions too. do you think they’ll still have a repackage?? i cant fucking believe that i just finished waiting for 12am kst for skz teasers and now i have to look forward to 12am for nct 127??@?#? NOT A SINGLE DAY OF REST FOR THIS STAYZEN

[martyfromtheparty]

god im shook!!!! long post/ramble

words cant really explain how i feel about that episode it was so much and now i have a headache

but im gonna try and organize my thoughts here

-Ham getting a life coach to plan moving to france

-on the topic of moving, buffY BABY NOOOO

this is such an important story line too. you can feel the stress of her hoping her mom stays as well as moving away. Sofia Wylie is such a great actor, why cant i be her

also, her and tj?? im hoping they can work this out and tj can fuckin chill

-as for cyrus, (it is his bar mitzvah!!!!!), a whole lot was going on and im proud of him. he looked so wholesome and happy i love my sweet baby boy

you could feel the love radiating off of him and i love it!!! the scene where he told andi he liked jonah too was just so 💕💕💕

like “shes not getting it,,,”

gOD I LOVE IT

i love seeing him being supported and him supporting his friends its so pure

-andi had a wild roller coastER RIDE TONIGHT BOIS

it’s definitely such a sign of middle school to have an infatuation with people and its nice that theyre showing how complicated it is i liked that. her and walker are so cute !! dont know if i ship them, i dont usually get into shipping but they have a nice little dynamic and hes super sweet. also darius is finE AS HELL (im still 15 dont get ur knickers in a bunch)

andi and bex both saying um? nice move terri

i dont think she should say yes to jonah just yet. She made it clear she’s moving on, plus i think he could stand a little time to think,

-speaking of bex, hOooOoOoOoo yESaFgdg

her and bowie are giving me slow burn vibes, im really glad theyre taking their time. Universe says: hell yeaH

although i do still think theyre throwing away bex and miranda’s chemistry, it was so good when they first met

that note bowie wrote had me crying in the club,,,

-TJ’s apology??? i dont know. TJ is making me feel weird because of all the Tyrus going around. Yall wasted no time on that one lmao

but he’s in denial about his disability. I really hope he’s able to work with buffy on this.

Also, I totally thought he was gonna give buffy shit for dropping the ball over her mom . he is human!!

-speaking of “omg hes human!!” moments JONAH FUCKING HERCULES BECK AM I RIGHT

you already know what the HECK IS UP BOIS

its not that im happy jonah had a panic attack, but its that im lying i am very happy because we finally see some depth!!!! As soon as I saw that camera technique i knew it was a panic attack and immediately related, but i didnt think they were actually going to start talking about it like it was a panic attack!!! This was so important for me, for other kids watching, and for character development. Props to Andi Mack for continuing to be a wonderful step forward in children’s television. It’s so important mentioning his anxiety, especially being left alone. When he begged him not to leave him alone? heart wrenching and relatable, oofed me up

we’re finally seeing him imperfect and i am ready for the love and support squad

also,, the back pat @ cyrus i could hear my boys heart screaming from here

-who is gabriel

-why isnt marty at the party :( come bacc

also just another service we provide,,,,,

not good that they left it open with buffy like that wheres the closure

Anyways. Sorry for the long post but that was a lot to process. I don’t think i can wrap my head around you guys’ theories on what happens next!! But I guess I have time, since we have to wait until June. God i love this show pls comment/rb/send an ask or message so i can see what you think too, im shook

[seokmins-thighs]

[scenario] sweet tooth

Pairing: reader x The8

Genre: bakery!au, slice of life (literally! :D), fluff??

Word count: 978w

Warning(s): i wrote and edited this in one go so i hope your eyes don’t bleed

Description: you don’t know where he’s getting these gift cards from, but you’re glad he does

a/n: based off of this one customer at my work, so enjoy another small piece of my life even though i want to scream at work. i don’t work at a bakery though; i just used this nice bakery nearby ____

"Hey, can I use this card?" You recognize the rare "gift card" that the store carries, a one-time use to get anything at the bakery for less than $10.

The boy lets the piece of plastic hang hesitantly between his fingers, as if the card is illegal or he has gotten the wrong store. You stare at the card longer than you should have for someone who works in the bakery, because it's the first time you've seen it--you've never really seen it in use, except for when your manager showed you various cards that the place can accept. You catch the bakery's logo in the front and clear bar code on the other side and give the card a try.

"Sure?" You take the card from him as he places a few baked goods on the counter, crackling of paper wrapping and clear plastics echoing in the empty bakery at this early hour. Most of the bread and cookies he picked are ones you think your grandmother would eat--not too sweet or flavorful, more on the healthy side and careful to those with sensitive taste buds. But the gift card's original purpose is for new customers to try anything without worrying about wasting their money, or their friend’s money, so you just assume that he wants to be safe for his first purchase here.

You swipe the card and wait for the register to accept it. When you ask him if you should toss it away for him, he beams, hands almost clapping together with a soft smile that sends one right back to your own lips. You neatly place all of his bought goods in a paper bag, dropping in a small wad of napkins, before sliding it across the counter.

"Is it really your first time here?" you ask as he opens the bag a slight and peers inside, slipping the receipt in his back pocket.

He nods a little as he brings the bag down and dangles it from his side. "Yeah, I hear about this place a lot, but I never went in."

After you greet him a nice day, he waves at you, says something about definitely coming back later.

You silently wish it was a promise.

----

Three days later, you're hit with the same question from the same person.

"Can I use this card?" He's grabbed a slice of tiramisu and a variety of cookies this time. Sweeter than the purchases of his last visit, you notice. Some are even dotted with chocolate droplets, others filled with oozing cheese fresh from the oven you pulled them out from this morning.

"I can't exactly decline," you reply with a grin, swiping the card again and watching the register accept it.

----

"I got another one," he says, placing a basket on the counter. Between metal wires, brownies, custards, and bagels line up and you know right away that he’s going to need more than one of those cards.

"Wait, hold on," you pause before he can hand you another card. "How many do you have?"

"I have three brownies-"

"No, I mean the cards," you answer in between laughs. Because despite working here, you don't know exactly where you can get these cards in particular. Or perhaps he's forging all of these cards and somehow, the register malfunctions into accepting his cards. Are you a bad associate for not knowing where these gift cards are from? Is working here for a few months not enough experience to reach this level of gift card knowledge?

"Oh. Well," he scratches the back of his head, "my brother is a manager in the same chain, so he gives me a bunch of these. But his bakery is an hour's drive away, so I don't get to go to that one as often."

"Wow, aren't you lucky," you sigh and picture yourself getting cards to some nice food place and pretty much getting free food.

"So, can I use the card?"

"Fine."

When he leaves, you open the drawer for gift cards right under the register, skimming past the usual gift cards with various chromatic designs, cute envelopes, crisp 10% discount cards, but none that the boy has.

----

He doesn't ask you the same question you were expecting him to. The strawberry cake roll sits lonesome on the counter.

"What happened to the cards?"

"My brother forgot to give me some."

You swipe his credit card without any further questions and bid him goodbye.

"I'll bring one next time," he winks before he waves a see you again.

----

The next couple of times he drops by, he's passing his credit card to you, instead of the gift cards he promised the last times.

"I thought you would bring a card again." You can't stop the grin from spreading across your face at the thought of him coming in and buying things using his money, instead of his brother’s.

"I actually ran out a long time ago," he mutters. He places a couple of egg tarts on the counter before pulling the credit card from his wallet.

“How long ago?”

“When was the last time I used it?” The laughter exchanges through the wafts of warm pastries under your conversation.

"Then why do you keep coming back?" Honestly, if you ran out of gift cards, you wouldn't return until you get more cards in your grasps.

"To see you." You blush at that, at the simple thought of someone dropping by and buying food just to say hi to you, and before you can say anything, he pushes on. "Even though buying from here hurts my bank account sometimes."

You put a discount on his purchase this time. After you swipe his credit card, you stack a couple of those one-time use cards under. You catch a glimpse of the name on his card.

"For next time, Minghao."

____

a/n 2: I FINALLY WROTE SOMETHING FOR EACH OF THE MEMBERS YEEEEEEEE. okay my work actually has a gift card like that and i really don’t have those at my register so where are they from idk myself

i got a sweet tooth for minghao lmao im gonna deck him softly and wrap him in a blanket

THIS IS MY 888TH POST WHT IN THE FCKC

[ramblingsndaydreams-blog]

hello there again. yet again there’s been a long time lapse since the last tim ei wrote here. i think the last time was sometime in december, and its currently the beginning of february (the 4th) to be exact. so i mean, not that much time but still...enough. ummm hmmm. where to start. okay well how about we start with the new year

HAPPY NEW YEAR. new years was quite the interesting night. so i went to a gay club with my best friend j and we had so much fun. that was honestly an amazing way to start off the new year, and that was my first time really going out for new years since i only turned 21 this year. so that part of the night was great. then it was kind of down hill from there. but the time it hit midnight i was absolutely wasted. after the ball dropped we decided to leave the club and from that point on i only remember bits and pieces because i blacked out. i ended up texting o.m who i have history with. me and j walked for what seemed like miles to the bar he was working with. when we got there we got to go down to the basement where he was working. i ended up drunkenly flirting with who im assuming was one of his friends but decided not to go home with him. i did however end up going home with o.m and we ended up sleeping together. like i said previously i was black out drunk so i pretty much don't remember 90% of what happened. even though i was drunk i know it was consensual because i didn't necessarily disagree with what was happening. so idk. i just remember that he didn't wear a condom so i was worried for like 2 weeks that i may have been pregnant and i didn't want to talk to him at all afterwards because honestly it was a little embarrassing and i was scared. my period was really late but i ended up not being pregnant. i ended up obssessing over what had happened for days and kind of in a state of shock and felt like i needed closure. eventually texted him saying something along the lines of “hey i know this is out of the blue. but on new years eve i blacked out so i really have no recollection of what happened”. i talked to j about it and we agreed that if he gave no reply within a week (very end of january) that it just wasn't worth it. he ended up not replying so i recently blocked him on everything just because he doesn't deserve to be in my life and honestly im over it. im over him always randomly showing out of the blue back in my life. i’ve always felt like since the very day he entered my life, he never left. and i decided to take control of that because im tired of it. so im think im in a much better place now. and i feel okay. and im happy with how i handled the situation. idk if happy is the proper word. but i feel more content. its nice to finally take control of things in my life for once. but enough about that; onto a new topic

school? school is honestly going much better than i thought it would be right about now. im somehow able to keep up in my classes and i haven't really fallen behind. and idk. i just really feel like this quarter i have been really giving my all and my printmaking class that im taking is absolutely amazing. i really feel like its making me grow as an artist and im having so much fun in it. (im actually supposed to be ding work for that right now. i’ll work on it after this.) but yeah this quarter is honestly going well and im happy with where im at.

one cool thing is i got offered a job at m’o! there’s thing that need to be worked out because they thought i graduated back in december. which i clearly did not haha. im honestly just putting a lot of positive energy into it, and hoping that things work out. im not stressing about it, and if it works out then great! i would be ecstatic. if it doesn't, then i will go from there. but still, im hoping for the best

the only i guess major life event going on right now is the roommate situation i have going on. so s ended up not coming back to school this quarter. she had a lot of mental health issues and family drama going on. so it was for the best. and honestly im glad she's getting this time away from school to be able to breather. she deserves it more than any one. so im stuck living only with m. which is fucking weird. we don't talk at all. mainly because she is no longer important to me and i don't want her in my life. she’s a toxic person and doesnt deserve my time. as you can see i have atheneum going on this new year of cutting out people who aren't worth it haha. but yeah. its kind of awkward. but i really couldn't care less. im barely home because im always so busy between work and school so it doesn't matter to me anyways. although theres is one little thing thats creepy to me. she’s still copying the things i do. which is like singe white female scary. she now has the same tea tree oil as me, same shampoo, razor, and tons of other things. she buys the same groceries as me. its weird...like i understand im an admirable and cool person but damn. lmao im totally just kidding. im not that narcissistic. but nonetheless, i still find it really odd. especially since we’rr not on speaking terms.

OKAY. i think thats absolutely everything that i wanted to touch on. wow what a novel. it felt good to write all this stuff down. and i think i’ve decided im not going to try and post stuff here every xx amount of days. i think im just gong to start posting when it feels right. just when i have some things i really want to get off my chest. yeah that sounds good. until next time