#went for comedy

[kiwikamenrider]

For a vampire, Mark was a reasonable roommate. He cleaned up after himself and only marginally attacked me for blood a couple of times a month when hunting was scarce. And then came times like this. "I know damn well that vampires being allergic to garlic is propaganda mark. Its an anti-coagulant." I sighed, putting the garlic bread in the oven. "Im not allergic to garlic because im a vampire, im allergic to garlic because I've always been allergic to garlic, even as a mortal." Mark spat, looking annoyed. I sighed, wishing I could stake him, or even myself. "Fine." I said wearily. "I'll wash my dishes better so I dont trigger your allergy." Mark nodded sharply and retreated back to his room, well, cave would be more accurate with how dark and dingy it was. Honestly, if it wasnt for how expensive this apartment was, I would have staked him as soon as I got here. Vampire magic was a tricky thing, but one benefit was that upon their death, only the person who staked them would remember them. It made clean up so much easier when you didnt have to dodge a paper trail the size of australia. We generally kept out of each others way, and we had reasonably low amounts of problems. I had a date coming over, so I went to finish getting things ready.

A couple of hours later, I was sitting across the table from a fellow vampire hunter. We sat there and ate dinner, which she really enjoyed if the near orgasmic sounds coming out of her were anything to go by. It was making me a little uncomfortable, actually. She finally noticed what she was doing and flushed. "Sorry about that, your just a really good cook. How did you manage to make garlic work in a dessert of all things?" I shrugged. "My roommate kept stealing my desserts so I figured it out. He is allergic so its a simple way to keep him away from them" she frowned. "I remember hearing something about your roommate being a vampire? That was just a propoganda campaign, right?" I nodded and explained. "He is, I didnt have a choice though, this place is too expensive for either of us alone, so we have a truce. And yes, it was, but he was allergic to garlic before he was turned." She smirked and twirled her hair around a finger. "You know, I could move in and then you wouldnt have that issue." I gave her a flat look. "This is the 3rd date. Im not comfortable with that yet." She pouted jokingly and finished off her dessert. "Oh well, the offer is open." The doorway to Mark's room creaked open. "I thought I heard a familiar voice. Hello, Camilla." I subtly dropped my hand to the stake I kept on my belt at all times. "I thought your name was Sarah." I said, keeping my voice level. "I should have known it was you, Mark. You always find a way to ruin things." I chanced a look at Mark. He looked genuinely furious. I gathered they didnt have a good history. I looked back at Sarah, well, Camilla, and winced. With her glamour magic undone, her skin turned pale and lined, looking much older than the tanned, youthful skin I had known. Her hair lengthed and became raggedy, and her voice went from mellifluous to scratchy. "I was going to turn you and keep you as a toy, that was a genuinely delicious dessert, but I cant have you blabbing!" She lunged forward and I kicked the table into her stomach, driving the wind out of her. I grabbed the stake from my belt and tossed the one in my boot to Mark. Camilla jumped onto the table, breaking a couple of plates. "Oh come on!" I moaned, already dreading the conversation with my mother, assuming I survived this. "My mom is going to be pissed that I broke her favorite plates." Camilla didnt stop her advance, but I did notice she moved more carefully. I backed up against the wall as she moved closer, and grabbed the harpoon gun that only looked decorative. I barely dodged out of the way of her swipe, her claws leaving scratch marks on the wall. I loaded the stake into the harpoon gun and shoved the end against her chest. "Goodbye Sarah, thanks for the date, it was fun." She looked up at me and smiled as I pulled the trigger, sending the stake through her heart. "I...had fun...too" she gasped out her last words as she finally dissolved into ashes. I slumped to the ground and the harpoon gun fell to the floor with a clatter. Mark came over and softly laid a hand on my shoulder. "She got me the same way. You're a good roommate, for a hunter. I didnt want it happening to you too." I sighed, despondent. "Should have known the only girl to be interested in me in years was a vampire." Mark gently pulled me to my feet and led me to the couch. "You sit down, I'll clean up." I nodded and noticed a weight around my neck. I looked down and saw the locket I had given her on our first date, and clicked it open. A small piece of folded paper fell out. I opened it and read it. "Thank you for the memories - Sarah" I looked inside the locket, and saw something from our first 2 dates. A movie ticket stub, very carefully folded so the title, Interview With a Vampire, was visible, and a photo of us at the arcade, with me holding the gigantic dracula plushie she won for me and both of us blushing. I tucked the note back in and closed it tight, and holding the locket gently, began to cry.

You are a vampire hunter. Your roommate is a vampire. Neither of you can afford the apartment on your own so if one of you attacks the other you’ll lose the apartment. The tension between you two is increasing by the day.

[kensatou]

the bear is a comedy

[wombywoo]

I realize I got to show Simon's boy-2-man transformation, but not Johnny's, so here you go~

My Baby boy has grown into such a fine GENTLEMAN! Not so WEE anymore, right??? He will always be that little 'troublemaker' to me, L.O.L., but now he is out there SERVING HIS COUNTRY. God bless my Johnny AND the Troops. <333333 XOXO

[theminecraftbee]

today i am thinking about the entire mayor of hypixel skyblock incident with technoblade because i still like to imagine, since it happened during one of the big dsmp story gaps, that he was like "oh i'm going to head off for a bit phil don't worry about it" and phil's like "bye mate" and ranboo is like "i wonder what he's doing. probably intense training or something. he's so cool."

meanwhile techno is yelling at an entirely unruly crowd about anarchy and being made mayor while beating up like, it was a weird giant slime if i remember right? and he has a whole "bond of rivals" moment with squidkid, like, they have this whole "there's no one i could trust to have my back more... than you... my most favored enemy" thing going on in that video it's SO funny.

all of this with the world's most absurd numbers outputs because hypixel skyblock is an endgame mmo. just COMICAL levels of firepower. like, everyone is an end-of-series shonen character. this place is like the naruto world was after it had jumped the shark a bit and there was a moon goddess attacking. about like that.

and then he's like. my work here is done. thanks for electing me mayor. i don't see this is contradictory to my anarchy at all btw it's like, a symbolic thing, on account of me beating up the old dictator mayor. and just dips again, presumably to be forever seen as a weird potato-themed legend around those parts.

i like to imagine he gets home and phil is like "hi mate" and techno's like "sorry i had things to handle at home" and ranboo is imagining like, WILD battles and what technoblade's home must even be like. and whatever he's imagining doesn't really compare to "technoblade's home is an end-game mmo no wonder he constantly assumes he's weak here he can only do earlygame levels of damage, forever".

and technoblade, being technoblade, says nothing about being mayor of hypixel now, until like, after the finale or something when squidkid just sort of swings by to ask how they're all doing after that nuke thing, huh. and everyone loses their shit.

and this is one of my favorite stupid technoblade headcanons thank you for coming to my ted talk.

[keferon]

Do you possibly have any more vortex doodles...? He’s my fave and you draw him so good 👉👈

Oh thank you fkfjfj. And yeah I do :D I just kinda stopped posting them bc people didn’t really look interested. But since you asked

These were made by me and @hodd1 during some Magma sessions👆

[starryeyed-seer]

me: I'm not a bat

Mr pages: (stuffing novels under its robe): I must abscond

[limonnitsa]

MUDBLOOD

[wardingshout]

your alttp link and zelda art scratches my brain in such a way ill never get over

I'M SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT !!!! that's the exact thing they're doing to me too so it's so exciting if it's not just me !! and like if I could put some of those little brain demons into art...

I like to think Zelda doesn't smile all that much like she's just kinda stiff and awkward but then when she does smile it's goofy big smile...

[umani-ko]

missing these assassin kids and their glorified bb guns :”D

[khaopybara]

❝I'm being led on by an oblivious straight girl.❞

KATO SHIHO as AYAKA and MORI KANNA as HIROKO episode 1 of AYAKA IS IN LOVE WITH HIROKO

[khattikeri]

we all know shen jiu would hate shen yuan getting together with luo binghe in his body but lets be honest. if shen yuan had seduced yue qingyuan instead shen jiu would've actually exploded on the spot

[arsenicflame]

It's a time-honoured tradition- every time Sam comes across Izzy (and Ed) in their travels, he asks Izzy to marry him. And every time, Izzy turns him down.

At this point, Sam is asking more for the sake of it than any belief Izzy will ever say yes, a remnant of childhood dedication touched with 30 years of heartbreak and regret- though even now, a small part of him still holds out hope. Sam's promises have only got more extravagant over the years, from a job as his first mate, to a captaincy, a fleet at his command, a whole fucking island if that's what Izzy wants- but he knows it isn't though, not really. If Izzy was ever going to agree to marry him, to leave his life and go with Sam, it wouldn't be for anything Sam could offer him. Izzy never did care for flashy shows of wealth, for a ship or to be captain. The only thing that ever mattered to him was loyalty given, and loyalty shown in return. 

It all comes to a head after Stede left and came back, after Izzy lost a toe, lost his leg. Sam hasn't seen him since before things with Ed started to really slide off the rails, before stress permanently set into the lines of Izzy’s face. So, when he sees a dishevelled man with a hoof for a leg in a no-name port, he doesn't even consider the idea that he might know him. It's only when he turns towards him, and Sam catches a glance at those oh too familiar tattoos, he realises this is Izzy, his Izzy, that stands before him.

Knowing Izzy's discomfort with pity, he doesn't treat him any differently than he would in years gone by, positioning himself in Izzy's line of sight before approaching and sweeping him up into a bone crushing hug. 

“Israel-goddamn-Hands!” he exclaims, as Izzy grumbles back a begrudging “Samuel-fucking-Bellamy”, a tradition almost as old as their friendship itself. Izzy might not hug him back, but he can’t keep the corner of his mouth from twitching, just for a second.

(If Sam holds Izzy a little tighter and a little longer than usual, well. That's his business)

By the time Sam lets go, most of the crew has appeared in the town square, drawn in by the commotion. They may have given Izzy his leg and welcomed him as one of them, but still there’s an underlying tension, with nobody quite ready to set aside everything that happened before the Kraken. Seeing him cosying up to an unknown man sets everyone on edge, unsure whether to come to their first mate’s aid, or to assume that they've been betrayed once again.

When Ed sees that the yelling was Sam, his hand goes tense where it's held in Stede's. He knows the routine, has seen it more times than he can count, but as he watches them part he realises that this is the first time in a long time he's unsure of what Izzy's response will be.

Knowing that something’s different, knowing that Izzy's feeling vulnerable already, Sam doesn't go for the same flashy proposal he’s been giving for years. He doesn't promise Izzy the world, he doesn't cause a scene (or, any more of a scene than he already has, anyway). He looks at the fractured man in front of him, takes his face in his hands, and says the exact same thing to him he said when they were little more than boys. “Israel, I have to ask you. I know what you'll say, but I have to try. Come with me. Marry me and sail away with me. I'll keep you safe”

And Izzy… hesitates. He glances over at Ed, at Stede, and says to Sam “...We’re staying in port for a week. Ask me again then”

That's the moment Sam knows there is something deeply, horribly, wrong. He's not just looking at an Izzy who got seriously injured in a fight and is struggling to cope, this is something so much bigger than that- and that Ed has something to do with it. Izzy wouldn't even be considering leaving if he didn't. Whether it was negligence or something more sinister, Sam doesn't yet know, but he intends to find out.

[wombywoo]

quinncent halloween special! 🎃🦇 ft. a vampire and his..uh..snack

[rogerdeakinsdp]

Cillian Murphy + favorite music moments

happy birthday, Robin! (@madeline-kahn)

[nonasuch]

hm. probably should unpack why I feel the need to do a funny little stand-up routine for every cab driver and call center employee I have to interact with for more than 5 minutes

in other news guess how much time I’ve spent on the phone with AAA in the last 24 hours

[nothingbizzare]

The rock star !!

Ones again pre-mob Teru band au

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