#well. not so much analysis as just a bunch of disconnected thoughts and observations

[transmascutena]

why is utena's uniform black? within the show, the color white represents the prince, or the idea of princehood, which is why utena wears a white rose in the duels, and why dios' (and akio's) uniform is white, and by extension why the student council uniforms are too. so the fact that the main color utena wears is the opposite of that is significant. i think the black of utena's uniform is mainly meant to stand in contrast to the student council, to show that she's not like them, that she's an outsider. it's also important that it's in contrast to the prince's uniform; she's playing a role she can never really fill. she cannot become a prince, and she doesn't really, truly, want to either. or she wouldn't, knowing what it really means. her uniform is a way of expressing her masculinity, and whether she realizes it or not, the way she does that does not entirely line up with being a prince. it exists outside of that. this is of course a good thing.

the red accents are interesting too, because it's a color very heavily associated with akio and anthy (and touga, obviously, but i don't think that's directly relevant when it comes to why utena wears it.) in this way utena's outfit also works as a sort of inversion of akio's outfit when he's not playing prince: red vs black shirt, black vs red pants (or shorts in her case.) then there's the red of anthy's rose bride dress. red accents are present in the white uniforms of the prince and the student council too. the dresses utena wears in episode 3 and 33, as well as the girl's uniform, are also white (or very close to it) with red accents. the sweater she wears in episode 37 is entirely red. utena's rose bride dress does not have any red on it, unlike anthy's, and it isn't white either; it's pink, a combination of the two colors, like her hair. i'm not completely sure what all this means, but it's interesting that the moments utena wears colors closer to white, to the prince's color, are the very moments she's the least masculine and "princely" (the two are seperate, but in these cases connected.) perhaps white is not just the color of the prince, but the princess as well? is red the color of the witch, then?

in the movie, utena's uniform is both black and white and does not have any red until she's in her dueling outfit, where she gets red stripes between the black and the white, as well as on her epaulets and shoes. and here anthy's rose bride dress is no longer fully red, but mostly white with red accents like utena's uniform (if white is the prince's color, does this reflect anthy's more proactive role in the movie? is she not playing utena's saviour in many ways here?) an important part of the movie's ending is anthy and utena both shedding their clothes entirely, and their roles along with them. so whatever meaning the colors may or may not have held, they're free of that now.

[lttleghost]

The Thematic Relevance of Jesse Pinkman as an Egg 🏳️‍⚧️

(I wrote this analysis awhile back and wanted to make a fresh post to update it!)

While not intentional, there is a lot in Breaking Bad that supports reading Jesse as an egg. This reading of Jesse has a lot of thematic and narrative relevance and also doesn't create any conflicts with the canon material. Jesse being someone who hasn’t realized he’s not actually a man yet could quite literally be canon.

This analysis is heavily based around parallels between Jesse’s character development and what Breaking Bad thematically associates with gender. It’s also heavily interconnected with the show's overarching theme of change, and also, at least for our two main characters of Walt and Jesse, the revealing of true self. There’s plenty of evidence that each of them already had the traits we see them with at the end of Breaking Bad. Jesse being this very kind and compassionate young adult and Walt being this egotistical monster.

But I would consider Walt's self-deception to be more shallow than Jesse’s self deception. While Walt did end up in a lifestyle that was opposed to who he truly was, he consciously knew what he wanted to some extent, whereas Jesse fully convinced himself that he was a different person than the one he truly is because he never really got the chance to actually figure out much about himself. 

There are a lot of examples of Jesse’s disconnected sense of self throughout the show, but the first one that comes to mind has to do with his superhero OCs-

EDIT: YO! if you find video essays more engaging than reading a bunch of text, this analysis now also comes in video form [link]

I think that Jane’s observation that all of them looked like Jesse was, in fact, correct. I wouldn’t consider him doing this as a conscious decision but I feel that he almost admits it. After initially denying that his OCs looked like him and after Jane affectionately teases him he ends up saying to her “like you never wanted a superpower.” And while you could interpret this as just a response to her teasing, I’m convinced that there’s an additional layer to it. Especially because when Jane leaves to check the door, there's a moment where Jesse looks at the sketchbook with his drawings and it seems like he’s considering something, and I’d bet you anything that what he’s thinking about is whether or not he had actually drawn himself and this is REALLY interesting since-

Jesse is a criminal right? And while superheroes themselves are technically criminals as well, as vigilante justice isn’t actually legal, they’re still typically known to be ‘crime fighters’, and Jesse describes his characters as being such. So with his OCs subconsciously being depictions of himself and them being superheroes (crime fighters) and his current life as a criminal, you get the image of someone who doesn’t know who he is or what he wants deep down. 

There’s no way that Jesse’s current delinquent lifestyle was his truly… preferred path. It’s much more likely it was the only thing he thought he could do successfully. It’s evidently been the one thing he’s made a decent living off of. He has no support from his parents, and doesn’t seem like he has had it since he was a highschooler. Jesse is shown to have no support outside of the drug trade. Most of his personal skills and interests are artistic or honestly domestic in a world that assigns more value to academics and he’s a highschool graduate who doesn’t have any job experience. 

I also believe Jesse is very aggressively ADHD coded, and the combination of having virtually no support, struggling with addiction, and having undiagnosed and improperly self medicated ADHD would make slogging through any “respectable” job that he has access to, or any job that his parents might encourage him to do, unbearable.

So the drug trade was his best bet, Jesse even views cooking meth as a form of art, something that he’s passionate about.

I can’t in good faith ignore that doing something that is... generally frowned upon, didn’t factor into what Jesse chose to do on some level, as society and the structures that it’s built on failed him and there’s an inherent sense of rebellion that often forms in a person when they’re failed like that. Granted, superheroes also tend to often contain some commentary on societies failings as well. Jesse just couldn’t actually be a real-life superhero. So with the few benefits it had in practice compared to any other job, Jesse played into the rest of the role of a criminal, and convinced himself that the aspects of it that conflicted with his personality... didn’t, probably without even noticing.

Even more to this disconnect; When Jane asks “and that’s a superpower?” in response to Jesse explaining Backwardo’s powers Jesse responds with “come on, I was a kid when I drew these, it was like four years ago.” And Jesse is 24 years old in that scene, meaning that he would’ve been 20 when he drew these characters, and when I first wrote this analysis I was wondering whether or not Jesse had gotten involved with the drug trade other than buying drugs by that time, but there wasn’t really anything I could confirm any theories with. 

But now I've got the Better Call Saul episode “Waterworks” where Jesse has his second cameo, where he is in fact, 20, and in that cameo Jesse accompanying Emilio, a person we know is his partner in cooking meth, to Saul’s office makes me certain he’s in it by that point. And I just have to wonder if Jesse’s superheroes were almost a… subconscious vent, a manifestation of how being a criminal in the specific way Jesse is, is not what he wants. Something that suggests that Jesse’s actual identity and his current view of his identity don’t line up.

Another thing to point out about the cameo that could be seen as additional evidence of Jesse’s discomfort with being more than just a customer of the drug trade is that he was hanging out outside of Saul’s office, and until Kim gave him one he didn't have a cigarette, so he wasn’t out there to smoke. And while there could be other explanations to why he was outside on his own, I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to say, other than just his general skepticism of Saul, he was just not particularly jazzed to be where he was at that moment and not comfortable going inside.

So relating all of this to gender; that narrative of convincing yourself that you are the person that you’re supposed to be for your best chance of survival instead of being able to truly be yourself already works pretty strongly as an allegory for being trans. But to add onto that even more, thematically Breaking Bad associates “manhood” with the drug trade in one way or another, and paralleling how Jesse realizes he doesn’t fit into the drug trade like he thought he did with how he might not be a cis man like he thought he was makes for a really solid queer reading.

The whole show is pretty explicitly about toxic masculinity. Obviously in real life masculinity and manhood do not have to be toxic, and in Breaking Bad’s original intended story Jesse is a cis man who ends up not fitting into those toxic ideas of manhood. 

Things that the rest of the male cast don’t blink at or at least have more mild reactions to, just tear Jesse apart. He’s also targeted at least a couple of times for having emotional vulnerability that is considered to be “not manly”. It’s much easier to point out the differences between him and the male cast than it is to point out similarities between them and this just gets more pronounced the longer the show goes on. He doesn’t really have any positive ties to being a man and I don’t think we can say we ever see Jesse actually reclaim his own sense of manhood. And I think that lack of reclamation gives even more legitimacy to the reading that, along with leaving the drug trade and all of its toxic masculinity bullshit behind, maybe Jesse just leaves behind being a man altogether, and maybe it was something that wasn’t really ever a true part of him, just like his life as a criminal.

Even at the start of the series Jesse’s attempts at hyper-masculinity come off as really goofy and performative. In episode one  Krazy-8 mentions that Emilio thinks that Jesse might’ve ratted on him Jesse first has a much more genuine response of “that’s bullshit” which makes sense with his strong character trait of being loyal, but then he goes to say “I should kick his punk ass for even thinking that.” and it just sounds like fake bravado to me. There’s no way Jesse actually thinks he stands a chance against Emilio since Jesse has a body type that resembles a small bird and there's no way he has that little self awareness. He's just playing out a script that wasnt even well thought through, and while some of his other performances of masculinity don’t come across as that fake, there aren’t many that feel like they actually come from Jesse himself, they just feel like something that he just thinks he should do.

And while not every experience with men Jesse has is negative, there always seems to be some distance between him and the men he does have good relationships with. Jesse forms a parent-child type relationship with Mike that is healthier than any other he’s had up to that point other than probably his aunt, but there’s a part of Jesse that Mike never seems to fully get. When Jesse doesn’t want Lydia to be killed Mike says that 'this woman deserves to die as much as any man' and I think he misses that Jesse just still isn’t that keen on killing people even with everything he’s gotten involved with. Even if there are some acts of violence and even some people’s deaths he is fine with and thinks are justified, Jesse never fully adapts to “the job” the way Mike does, and Mike is just not quite able to understand that, or at least not why.

Jesse and his friends have a distance between them as well. Though they’re arguably not as entrenched in toxic masculinity as any of the other prominent men in the show are, and aren’t nearly as involved in the violence of dealing drugs despite being in the trade. Yet still Jesse’s interactions with them most of the time feel different and more withdrawn than their interactions with each other. Like Jesse really wants their presence and company and wants to fit in but there ends up being something that he can’t connect with alongside them, and this also gets more prominent as the show progresses. There’s parts where Jesse seems to be withholding how badly his “high rank” in the drug trade is affecting him when Pete and Badger seem to sort of idolize him for it and want in on it. I think Jesse sort of considers saying something to them about it, but he hesitates and doesn’t. He repeatedly doesn’t confide in them even though, while his friends do perform some facets of hyper-masculinity, they don’t really seem to target or reject vulnerability in the way most of the other men in Breaking Bad do. And Jesse’s distance from even the more harmless side of the male cast makes it feel like it’s not just the toxic masculinity that he’s disconnected from.

Jesse’s relationships with women even further separate him from the men of the show. His romantic relationships with Jane and Andrea read much more as relationships between equals, compared to Walt and Skyler or Hank and Marie. While Jesse does throw the “nice job wearing the pants in the family” insult at Walt in episode two of the first season, after Skyler almost caught him moving Emilio’s body, in Jesse’s own relationships he never actually tries to take control and doesn’t have any problem with Jane honestly being the person making more active choices for the both of them in their relationship, which Walt comments on by throwing that same “nice job wearing the pants” insult back at Jesse.

Another interesting thing found within Jesse’s relationship with Jane that ties them to specific gender roles happens after Jane doesn’t really introduce him to her father. Jesse asks about it and after a bit this Jane ends up saying “What am I supposed to say? Hey dad, meet the stoner guy who lives next door and by the way I’m sleeping with him?” and Jesse replies “Is that all you think you’re doing?”

It’s been pretty common for “the guy” to be considered as the one who sees a relationship as just being sex and “the girl” to see it as being romantic, and this is a very very dumb aspect of traditional western gender roles that this scene even has to subvert, but I think in the context of Breaking Bad’s dealings with gender roles the fact that Jesse is put in the role much more typically associated with women could be viewed as significant. And this significance can be extended to the show’s most prominent dynamic, dealing with the relationship between abusive men and women, Jesse is a victim. I’m not implying men can’t be victims of other men's abuse, but it does make Jesse easier to associate with women in the story, and while the narrative association comes from a negative place, the negativity is directed towards men. But the connection it forms between Jesse and women is a sense of camaraderie and even comfort, at least on Jesse’s side.

and with those connections with women I’d say the most accurate egg interpretation of Jesse is that she’s specifically transfeminine in some way.

I think in this analysis its important to specifically examine Jesse's journey with gender questioning as I think it follows the rest of the ups and downs in her learning more about herself in the resr of her character arc. My personal interpretation of Jesse is that she is a non medically transitioning nonbinary transfem person. The not medically transitioning bit is largely because I enjoy bringing attention to the existence of no-med no-op trans people and to push the point that not seeking medical transition doesnt make a person any less trans, though I do feel that since Jesse's relationship with gender is focused on the societal side of gender roles that don't really relate to physical form that it's a reasonable interpretation that she may not medically transition. I think she uses he/him and she/her pronouns, and is maybe a futch lesbian. I’m saying all of this because it'll be the lens through which I’ll be talking about Jesse’s journey with questioning his gender and how that progresses during the timeline of Breaking Bad. However I don’t claim this to be the only version of transfem Jesse that works with my analysis, or that it's necessarily better than any others that do work. I’ll also be mentioning concepts of “offscreen” additional scenes. That being said, if you’re someone who likes to stick 100% to the text given to us, the “offscreen” scenes aren’t exactly necessary for this interpretation to work as a part of the existing story as the general emotions behind them still stand.

I don’t picture Jesse as having any definable Gender (™) experiences when he was younger other than just a general sense of not belonging, though gender wouldn’t be the only thing playing into that. But as Jesse got older and struggled more, he started to purposefully play the part of what he saw as “a man” to survive in the only role that he thought he could. I see the thought “I wish I didn’t have to be a man” crossing his mind every so often though. I think he just deals with his place in the world for awhile, but after Walt enters the scene and Jesse experiences shit he really didn’t bargain for because of his old teacher, someone who is settling into a personification of toxic masculinity, Jesse’s frustration with being a man becomes more prominent and harder to ignore internally. 

In my opinion Jane is the person that helped him start to solidify what exactly those thoughts were indicating. Her approach to relationships would be considered not traditionally cishet, and so is the way she presents herself in general, so I think Jane has some sort of knowledge about the complexities of gender, if she isn't actually queer herself in some way.

And she’s one of the only people we see Jesse truly, truly open up to and so I think at some point later in their relationship Jesse might actually say something about wishing she wasn’t a man around Jane, and I can see Jane saying that Jesse doesn't have to be a man if she doesn't want to be.

But then Jane dies, and I think as a result of that and the lesson Jesse learned from rehab “I’m the bad guy” he goes into just total repression mode. Embodying this new belief Jesse very much dips into the hyper-masculine behavior of the drug trade, he is much more concerned with money beyond paying bills and having nice things, and he plans to do the one thing in the entire show that makes me truly angry at him because of this whole thing, attempting to sell drugs to the rehab group. I don’t think he would’ve ever thought of doing something like that before. He’s trying very hard to be something that’s even further from his actual nature than we’ve seen up until this point.

Part of Jesse’s grief over losing Jane, a person who he confided in probably more than anyone else at that point, was to just completely close up, even to himself. Forget all of those parts of himself that resisted the rougher aspects of the drug trade he was getting dragged into and definitely forget about wondering if he really is a man or not.

At least until meeting Andrea and Brock, which snaps him out of that “I’m the bad guy” mindset, but by that time I think just, too much starts to happen for Jesse to have much time to question her gender. I wouldn’t consider her to be as actively repressing any sort of “I wish I wasn’t a man” thoughts but the amount of turmoil and danger that she’s in, just really really doesn’t lend itself to that sort of gender introspection as much. 

I’ve got some additional thoughts on Jesse’s journey with gender that are more headcanons than actual analysis of the show so I didn’t include them in the text above. But I still really wanted to share because I like them and think that they really add to the analysis, so here they are;

I mentioned that I don’t think that Jesse had any particularly notable moments that might’ve suggested that she was trans when she was younger other than feeling out of place, but maybe he did have some interest in playing with “girls stuff” and her parents discouraged it because as we know they’re the shitty type of people who value their child being “normal” at the price of that child’s happiness, but I can also see her being one of those kids who just didn’t even grasp the differences between boys and girls stuff for a longer time than others, or I can even see Jesse’s last connection to the "male" side of gender being from when she was a little boy, before he was aware of the concept of what being a man was, and that it would be expected of her.

But later, in his adulthood, after the idea and pressures of "manhood" became very present in his life, one of the more certain instances of gender questioning I picture Jesse having is at some point while hanging out with Badger, Pete and Combo, Jesse screws around and puts on a dress. And he's like “haha I look like such a queer don’t I?” but is internally thinking something more along the lines of “ I will die before I tell anyone how this makes me feel” (that being that it makes him feel happy). 

And then, as we enter into the timeline of the show itself; when Jane first tells Jesse that he doesn’t have to be a man if he doesn’t want to, I don’t actually think that Jesse would be receptive of it at first. I think it’s more likely that he’d decide he suddenly doesn’t want to have this discussion anymore and change the subject. Jesse would still have the misconception that you need to medically transition or at least be required to fit some sort of ‘criteria’ to be trans, instead of just identifying as a different gender than your assigned sex, and I think that would play some role in his not wanting to talk about possibly being trans. And even more because, while he could opt out of telling anyone that he’s trans, Jesse’s in a world in general that isn’t trans-friendly, but the drug trade he’s in specifically is very lgbtq-phobic. Jesse himself is definitely gonna have some internalized transphobia, we’ve seen his homophobia, and I definitely read that as a result of his environment rather than actual hatred considering at Jesse’s true core he’s a pretty caring person. But there are definitely people in the drug trade who would be violently homophobic and transphobic, and Jesse would know that, and would probably perceive even realizing that he is trans to be a threat to his safety. But, later on, further into her relationship with Jane I think she’d open up, even if only to Jane.

And that’s what I like to focus on the most with this analysis, all of the happiness and freedom and healing that Jesse gets to feel detaching himself from manhood, something that honestly contributed so much to every part of his suffering. And god does this girl deserve some happiness.

Then when for the most part too much is going on for Jesse to consider whether or not he’s trans, I still sometimes think of a situation where Jesse might’ve suggested? Her gender questioning to Mike, and while I don’t think Mike’s personal reaction would be technically negative, I think he’d tell Jesse to ‘please not share that with anyone else kid’. Which would be discouraging to Jesse, and she’d quickly backtrack, some because of the reaction on its own but also because he really already knows that it’d be stupid to say anything to anyone else, but it’s not until Jesse’s really free from the drug trade that she can finally crack that egg. I really like to think about the comfort and relief Jesse would get to feel no longer having to try and be a man, cause she finally realizes that she isn’t one.

[vorish-musing]

Risky Business (IT Chapter Two)

Summary: Eddie is a monster hunter, he’s called back to his hometown, there's another man eating monster, he just never realized how fucked this job could be.

Warnings: this story contains soft, safe, G/t vore. if you do not like this, I suggest not reading. this is also not a story for the faint of heart, there is (not super graphic) moments of fatal/hard vore, digestion mention (does not occur), fearplay, and the usual cussing warning.  

Hi guys! its been so long! I’ll be honest, i was not planning on posting this, since this was a WIP discarded back in march, but while watching the movie again, I realized I needed to finish this, I really hope y’all like it!

NSFW DO NOT INTERACT

Risk analysis? Was that Job invented before fun?

Well, it Depends on what you call ‘fun’

For Eddie Kaspbrak, risk analysis is fun.

He couldn’t remember much of his past, all that he knew was that monsters existed, the ones that hid under your bed, the ones that prey in the night, he didn’t know how he discovered this for the longest time, he just... knew.

He knew he had to have encountered a monster at one point, but he just couldn't remember when.

His first instinct was to kill these monsters, though after further consideration of how the ethics of that worked, plus the morality of him being the judge, jury and executioner was pretty skewed. He decided to analyze these creatures, at least the ones he found. Witches, Vampires, werewolves, ghosts.

So yeah, he was a Risk Analysis, he analyzed creatures that we’re a risk to human kind.

And yes, it was Fun.

Being a part of a small group of people who knew these monster movie critters existed was something he wished he could brag about.

Though everything changed when he got that call from Mike Hanlon, Begging him to come back to Derry to fight that clown. That damned clown.

His memories flooded back, the childhood trauma of that summer, 1989, when everyone they knew started turning up missing, really they were dead, nothing more than food to the demon living in the sewers

It was then, fighting that demon, when he realized that analyzing these monsters wasn’t enough anymore.

They were not a risk, they were a threat.

Once he got back to his home in new york, he began his own business, he tried finding his way into different circles, ones he never thought existed, multiple people with stories of slaying beasts of all shapes and sizes, and he was now one of them.

He got a second phone, one he could use for his side job, he went under an alias, Richie Marsh. Not creative, a little embarrassing,  but it worked.

He would get calls almost daily, he made pretty good money, but he had one rule, only kill if it had harmed first. He always turned the monsters who had done no wrong away, allowed him to get some sleep at night, knowing that he was saving others lives while doing this.

Hell, the first time he met a vampire, the dude just chilled alone in a cabin in the woods. Not bothering anybody.

He began making a name for himself in the business and it had only been a year, it was impressive to all about his knowledge, how much he knew about these creatures, how fearless he could be.

Up to this day, he scribbled down notes about the varying creatures he saw and met. Sitting in his living room, the constant scritch of his pencil was interrupted by a ringing from his pocket.

He took his ‘work’ phone out of his jeans, putting the device to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Is this Richie Marsh?” A familiar voice was heard on the other end, but he couldn’t quite place it.

Eddie ran a hand through his hair, thankful his phone had a voice modifier, just in case he actually knew the person on the other line.. Even though chances of that were slim to none. “Depends who’s asking”

with one hand, he took a sip of water in a glass, while with the other he opened a new page in his notebook, ready to write down this stranger's name.

“My name is Mike Hanlon, I was given this number by a friend, he told me you could help me”

Slim to none huh?

Eddie coughed up the drink back into his cup,“M-Mike Hanlon?”

“Uh...yes, I...I need your help”

Eddie scribbled down the name very quickly, though nothing in the world could make him forget it. “with what? What's going on?” he felt his heart racing, he didn’t want any of his friends to know what kind of danger he was putting himself into, he didn’t want them to know, or even try it themselves.

“Well… I live in Derry, Maine. There was a curse in this town...right? A monster, it killed a lot of people, but me and my friends… we stopped it.” Mike's voice sounded nervous.

“I...see…” Eddie’s voice wavered, hoping that this wouldn’t be another call back to defeat a killer clown “if you stopped it, why are you calling?”

“Because people are going missing again, but I know it's not what we fought, it's something else, nothing is being left behind, they’re just...vanishing.”

Eddie scribbled a few words down, his throat getting dry as he began to sweat nervously “okay...what's the age range of the missing persons?”

Please don't be kids….please don’t be kids.

“All adults, the other creature went for children, and those killings lasted for a year at least. This happens every few weeks, from my calculations, it's once every 3 weeks, and if I'm right, they're supposed to be here by Friday, they start hunting at night.”

Eddie couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief as he wrote what mike was saying down, opening his laptop and began booking a flight for Friday afternoon “okay, got it. have you seen this creature.”

There was an awkward pause, before Mike answered, almost embarrassed, “No.”

“Then how do you know all of this?” He wanted to believe Mike was reading too much into things, that Derry wasn’t being terrorized with another monster.

“Because one of the missing people has come back, and she came to me-- I’m somewhat of a Private eye in this town” Eddie smiled--good for him, making a name for himself in Derry.

“I talked with this one lady, she told me that she didn’t remember much, but whatever was out there, her two friends were killed, she didn’t tell me how they died, or even how she escaped...she just woke up..”

Eddie scribbled some more “do you know how many there are?”

“No. but I believe there's more than one, if you come in the next few days we can meet up and-”

Eddie shot up out of his seat “NO!” he heard mike go silent, before adding “uh...no...i’d rather uh...keep my face a secret”

Mike let out a laugh “of course, of course. We will have to talk more though, I have many notes and things that I’ve observed-”

‘Text me them, I have to go”

“But-”

Eddie hung up before he could hear the rest of that sentence, falling back into his seat. He put both hands on his face and sighed loudly.

He had to go back to Derry, and he had to avoid seeing Mike there too. He let out a groan, sitting up and finishing the booking process, it was only two days away, but that gave him enough time to pack everything he needed.

Those two days went by very fast. Mike tried to pay, but Eddie insisted it be free, not wanting to take money from his friend. Next thing he knew, he was on a plane to Derry, a rental car waiting for him and another traumatic nostalgia trip was in his future.

Once the plane landed, he quickly made his way through the airport, wearing a baseball cap in a poor attempt to hide his face. He got into his rental car, driving as fast as he (legally) could on the roads to his hotel room, texting Mike that he had landed, and was going to scope out the locations where Mike had claimed the creatures were.

As he drove through the streets, he began noticing the missing persons signs, it reminded him of when he was young, and there were people he knew going missing. He shook his head. Whatever those creatures were, He was sure he would stop it.

He parked his car in front of the hotel, getting a room key and making his way up with his bags. He used to be very particular where he stayed, but as the months went on with this job, he would just take what he could get.

As he settled in, he got another call from Mike.

“If you need any help, I’m no stranger to killing monsters, just give me a call” Mike sounded worried, but it also sounded like he wanted Eddie to say yes to him coming along, but the man couldn’t bring himself to ask.

“I’m fine Mr. Hanlon. Thank you.”

“Okay, most of the missing persons were last seen around the woods, be careful, the trees go on and on, outside of the town and basically into the next, which is an hour away when Driving” Mike explained a few more things about the town, which of course, Eddie already knew about.

After speaking for a few more minutes about the plan, Eddie hung up the phone, it felt so awkward to be speaking to him under his alias, it was the most disconnected he had ever felt while on the job.

Once he gets all of his hunting gear in order, he puts it under the bed, just in case housekeeping decides to come in, and promptly leaves the room.

If he had to be here for the next day or so, he could at least go out and get some food.

As he walked down the streets of Derry, he made sure wherever he would go, nobody was following, and that nobody who knew him could recognize him.

He soon settled on a cafe near the hotel, walking into the establishment and ordering coffee with a BUNCH of espresso shots inside, after all, he needed all the energy he could get. He was usually much more healthy, but on jobs, he needed as much caffeine as humanly possible.

Sitting at an empty booth in the cafe, he took his journal out, scribbling a few notes down, his plan, he never really needed a plan, but it was nice to have one. He was sure this was a simple case that would be solved in less than an hour, so he didn’t pay much mind to it.

The barista comes to his table, setting his cup of pure caffeine down. Before she could leave, Eddie pulled out a $20 bill out of his wallet, giving it to her

“Save up every cent, get out of this town, it’ll be good for you” she gave him a confused look, like she was expecting him to pull it away as a joke, but with a look in his eyes, she took the money.

The barista smiled, her eyes bright and much more charismatic than his, “thank you sir.” she pocketed the money in her apron “ and that's the plan, as soon as I have enough money, I’m leaving this hell hole--just me and my shitty van. all the way to broadway”

He nodded as she walked away. He took a sip of his bitter drink, going over his notes a few more times--now should I ambush or wait--

“Eddie?”

His heart stopped dead as he snapped his head up, hearing his name, slamming the book closed.

His eyes met Richie's, who seemed equally as shocked to see him there. They stared at each other for a few moments.

W...why is he here?! He...he can’t be here now...what the fuck?

There was something off in Richie's overall appearance, he looked very sick, malnourished, hunched over and wearing clothes that looked like they hadn’t been washed in weeks, his eyes looked like he was coming straight from the morgue.

Though his face was one of shock and confusion as to why Eddie was in Derry that night, Eddie was almost disappointed Richie was not happy to see him there.

“Holy shit trashmouth” Eddie sat up straight “What the hell are you doing here?” He motioned for Richie to sit down, which the man obliged to very quickly.

“Just passing through, I have to get down to uh… Ludlow, Maine.” to this, Eddie was confused, it sounded like Richie was making things up on the spot “I uh...got a show down there, w-what are you doing in Derry?”

He knew when Richie was lying, he always knew, he never told Richie this, but since they grew up together, he watched the mannerisms he had when lying, and could always tell ever since.

But that's because he didn’t want to look stupid, believing what Richie said. Definitely not because he liked to watch the man, and DEFINITELY not because he admired him for lying with so much ease.

Definitely not.

Eddie nodded, taking a sip of coffee “Just uh…” he quickly thought of a lie, “Visiting Mike, I wanted to surprise him, plus, wanted to get away from New York for a while”

“Interesting.” Richie’s eyes fell to the journal Eddie was desperately trying to keep hidden “Aw, does Eddie have a diary?”

Eddie let his face falter a bit, showing off his worry, pulling his journal “its it’s for work, asshat” he narrowed his eyes.

Richie, one who usually would keep poking at Eddie, slumped back a bit “Well, I gotta get going, Nice seeing you around.” he stood up, ready to walk away.

“Wait, come on.” Eddie looked up at the man, extremely confused “are you okay, man? If I'm honest, you look like shit.”

“Yeah i'm...fine.I just gotta get some...thing to eat” Richie eyed him up and down slowly, before exiting the building without another word.

Eddie just stared at the door as Richie walked away, well, not really walking, he was pretty much stumbling away.

Though as he left, the two men from before waved at Richie, like they knew him...probably just fans, Eddie couldn’t afford to read too much into things.

He shook his head, taking another sip of his coffee and reopening his book once again, Richie was probably drunk, and there was no surprise there. Eddie noticed how much Richie would drink last time they met, and this behavior didn’t surprise him.

But it was strange.

He quickly finished up his cup of coffee, placing his cup at the edge of the table, another waitress quickly coming to pick it up as he left the coffee shop, holding onto his journal tightly as he walked through Derry.

He checked his phone, a few missed messages from Mike, sharing a few more of his findings, but Eddie couldn’t bother to read them, his mind was only on Richie.

Why was he lying? What was he doing here? Questions whizzed around his head. Did Richie know something? Did Mike call him too?

Eddie sighed, he better get back to his hotel room, no use thinking about it now. He had a task at hand, and he had to get ready in the next few hours.

And that he did.

He was prepared for everything, he had a few guesses to what the monster was, a werewolf, a demon? but nothing really fit perfectly. demons kill people, but it's not like they would let people escape. Werewolves fit better, you could escape one, but they were not very...cleanly with their kills.

Whatever it was, it was going to be killed, no matter how many there were.

An alarm went off in his phone, letting the man know it was time to leave, get to the woods and start investigating.

He grabbed his bag, filled to the brim with gear, and headed out the door, texting Mike that he was headed out, and that the man needed to refrain from further messages, until Eddie had texted first of course.

He placed his phone back into his pocket, swiftly leaving the building. It was only a twenty minute walk to the forest, but if it felt like forever, his body felt shaky, like he should just turn around.

He never felt like this before, he chalked it up to nerves, with being back in Derry. Something in him still believed it could be IT, but he knew that wasn’t the case. If it was, ‘Richie Marsh’ wouldn’t be out, it would be the losers.

Before he even knew it, he was in the woods, walking down a manmade concrete pathway, exactly where Mike told him to go, trees making it seem like he was walking through a hedge maze.

As he walked down the path, it seemed to get more and more confusing, like he couldn’t even remember where he was going, but thinking it was nerves, he kept going.

His heart stopped as he heard a woman's scream break the cold silence of the night, the sound of heels clicking on the concrete coming closer and closer.

As quick as he could, he bolted towards the sound of the woman, following her voice. He carefully took out a  gun from his bag as he ran down the pathway, his finger on the trigger.

Soon enough, a woman came into his field of vision, she was wearing a black apron, a dirty white shirt caked in blood, and a tattered pair of shorts.

it was the Barista from the coffee shop, She waved her arms wildly as she ran towards him, stumbling around like an animal.

“Please! Please help me! He’s gonna kill me!”

Eddie placed the gun back into his bag, putting it on his back and grabbing onto her as she ran into him.

Her makeup was running down her face, blood all over her skin, her hair was a mess, what once was a perfect simple bun, was now tangled with branches and all kinds of dirt in it.

“Ma’am calm down its okay we just-”

“No you don't understand! We can’t stay here we have to run!” She whisper-yelled at him, grabbing his arm and pulling him into the trees, straying from the pathway. “If they find us they’ll kill us!” she pulled him into a ditch, her breath shaky and tears flooding down her face.

“Okay… Okay take a deep breath, what the hell happened?” Eddie reached into his bag, grabbing his first-aid kit, ready to seal up any wound on her.

She took deep breaths, holding onto her arms as she shivered “these two guys, he… came into the cafe I work in, He was so nice” she let out a laugh, sniffling a sob. “I was so stupid, he asked me and my coworker out, and we said yes, it was supposed to be a walk in the woods, a nice walk… “

“Where’s your coworker now?” Eddie pulled out a cloth to wipe her off with, before he could give it to her, she began sobbing.

“The man…the thing! It ate her!” she said through her sobs. “While we were walking, they… they began saying weird things, like ‘dinner is ready' we didnt know what they meant! They meant us! This man came out of the woods, i called out to him, he just looked away, I think he was one of them.”

As she spoke, he watered down the cloth, giving it to her. “he...ate her?”

She sighed, wiping her face with the cloth, “this is going to sound crazy…”  she hesitated, sniffling again as she looked at him.

“I deal with crazy almost 3 times a week, this is why I’m here, you’re gonna be okay, this is my job.”

She nodded nervously “there was another man there, he was in the trees, before we could even say anything, all three of them...grew..into giants...and… my coworkers date...he picked her up and…”

She suddenly fell into a crying fit once more, falling into eddies lap, he rubbed her back, trying to console her.

“He… he bit her in half!” she screamed through sobs. “I got away, the one in the trees just watched me, who knows how close he is.”

He felt sick as she cried, and Eddie looked away from her… this wasn’t what he expected, no wonder nothing was making sense, there was nobody, because they would eat it.

He was about to say something, as they heard the sound of leaves crunching and branches breaking. “It's not my fault you lost the bitch”

The girl froze, her cries stopping out of fear, she covered her mouth. She shared a terrified look with Eddie, who shared the same look.

“Well it's not mine either, I was in the middle of eating!” the man sounded so nonchalant when talking about murder, but then again, most monsters weren’t remorseful.

“Will both of you shut the fuck up and just get on with it?” the voice sounded eerily familiar, but he couldn’t concentrate on it now.

The three men kept bickering, and the barista nodded to eddie, pointing to the other side of the ditch, mouthing the word “run”

He shook his head wildly, mouthing the word “no” over and over, if she did this, she would be dead.

Either she thought it would work, or she didn’t care if she died, but she ran up the side of the ditch, then began dashing through the woods once again, ignoring Eddie's silent pleas not to.

Instantly two out of the three men yelled, and began running as well, though their footsteps began getting louder and louder, Eddie shrunk back, trying to hide as best as he could.

He watched in horror as one of the giants walked over the ditch, which took them only one step, right above him, then another, then another, it was too dark to get a good look at any of them from his disadvantaged point.

But luckily, with all the noise they were making, he was able to run to the other side of the ditch, running up and hiding behind a large tree, digging through his bag, the best luck he would’ve had with killing these things, was his machete, thanking god that he actually brought it.

Eddie held it tightly to his chest, slowly turning to see what was happening.

“Let me go!” the Barista screamed as she was picked up by the giant, flailing around in his grip.

“Oh I’ll let you go alright,”

She gave him a strange look, before returning to her screams as he lifted her up over his head, his mouth agape.

“I’ll let you go now”

Eddie turned back behind the tree, hearing her screams as she was dropped into the giant's mouth, he wasn’t looking, but his mind pictured it. He felt sick to his stomach, anger bubbling up inside of him

He heard the screams of the woman suddenly stop, and a silence filled the air. Eddie knew what this meant, he felt like he was ready to vomit, his stomach twisting in knots

“Y’know you don't have to drag it out.”

“What? You’re just mad because you got jack shit, maybe you shouldn’t be so picky”

Eddie listened to the three bickers, waiting for the right time to move from tree to tree, making sure they couldn’t see him as he got closer.

In his head he knew this was a bad idea, that he was going to get caught, but this was the first time he had ever actually met a victim, he talked with her, even if it was brief, it pushed him more than anything else did, this wasn’t about money, for the sake of the town, no…

It was for Her.

He took a deep breath as he prepared to move to another tree, planning to climb it and attack in a much better position.

“Ah! I thought I heard something!” Eddie froze, hearing a booming voice behind him.

He. was. Fucked.

He instantly spun around, waving the machete up, he heard the giant let out a yell as the blade bit into its hand, which was about to grab eddie.

shitshitshit

Eddie backed up a bit, before taking off in a run, but it didn’t help, another came barreling in.. barrelling in Eddie's eyes, it was pretty much just a few steps for the giant, the last one just hung out in the back, basically ignoring the interaction.

Eddie prepared to swing again, but the giant in front of him didn’t move, just smirked, catching Eddie off guard, allowing the one behind him to snatch him up.

“Shit!” Eddie yelled as the sneak attack made him drop the machete on the ground.

“You little fucker…” the giant lifted him off the ground at a speed that made Eddie sick, never in his life had he wanted to be on the ground more than he was now, the cold wind made him cringe as he was face to face with the Giant.

Surprisingly, the man looked fairly normal, he wore a plain blue shirt with some black jeans, nothing like any fairy tale would describe it.

His eyes were damn near murderous, he held up his other hand ‘look what you fucking did.” Eddie struggled in the giant's grip, which only made the man laugh, “what? Little hunter doesn’t know what to say?”

Eddie sputtered a bit, how did they know he was a hunter?

“Looks like you got dinner after all, huh Rich?”

“Don’t fucking call me that.”

Rich...Rich...that voice...is that...NO….NONONO

Eddie's head whipped around as the third giant came closer to the other two...those glasses, those clothes...those eyes.

When those eyes met him, they shared the same look, the exact same look that they shared at the coffee shop. Eddie wanted to yell, but it seemed all the sound had left his body.

That's why Richie was in Derry...

“What's the matter?” the giant holding him pulled him closer, “don’t like knowing that you’re dinner?” he chuckled devilishly, Eddie didn’t respond, too horrified at richie to even register what the giant was saying “hey fucko! You listening?”

The giant shook Eddie a bit, still nothing, he gave a look to the other stranger, who just nodded, the same devilish smile pasted onto his face.

Without another word, he let Eddie go, plummeting towards the earth.

Eddie let out a loud yelp, it was almost in slow motion for him, falling through the air, hitting the cold, hard ground, he was sure a rib or two were fractured just by the pain he felt in his chest, but the pounding in his head was much...much worse. He couldn’t move, he could only listen to what they had to say.

“Why the fuck did you do that?” Richie pushed the giant who was holding Eddie, not even caring to remember his name “you could’ve just given him to me.”

Richie's heart sank as he saw the hunter in the giant hand, Eddie, he knew Eddie was lying about why he was in Derry, Eddie was just simply, a bad liar. But he had never expected something like this, he never wanted any of the losers to find out about this. It was bad enough he was hunting in Derry, only a mere half hour from Mike.

“Why not? The little fucker wouldn’t listen, so I gave it what it deserved.”

He felt anger overflow him as the giant talked about Eddie in this way, but he stayed silent, bending down, and picking up Eddie by the collar of his jacket, his body dangling at it rose up.

Eddie could barely move, everything hurt, he knew he was being lifted up once again, but he couldn’t do anything about it, what was he to do, his ribs were broken, he was winded and he was basically a doll to these guys.

He could hear Richie talking to the two, but he couldn’t really understand it, until one sentence was asked.

“So, You gonna chew ‘im?”

This sent Eddie back into his fit of panic, adrenaline coursing through his veins, he began cursing, kicking, wildly flailing. The two giants just laughed.

“Come on richie, you can chew this once, trust me, so much better experience.” Eddie couldn’t tell which of the two giants spoke, but he begged to whatever was out there, that Richie wouldn’t go through with it.

“I’m not a fan of blood, you should know that by now.” Richie rolled his eyes, his gaze back to Eddie, his heart breaking as he watched the man flail around, knowing he was in pain by the look on his face.

“The bitch thought he was going to kill us, he cut my fucking finger! Let him have it!” the giant pushed richie slightly, Richie giving him a glare.

“He's going to die anyways, why can’t I let myself enjoy him squirm?” Richie spoke, monotone. “I like how it feels when they go down.”

It was enough to make Eddie sick.

“It's your last hunt with us, go out with a bang! You got a fucking hunter after all…treat it like it treats our kind!”

“Fuck off, let me do it.'' His tone seemed almost protective, but with Eddie hearing a low gurgle of the man's stomach, Eddie knew it was like an animal protective of its prey.

The two just sighed, watching Richie...just...waiting.

Eddie paused as the giants fell into silence, staring up at Richie with tears in his eyes, his vision was blurry, and his head kept feeling worse and worse. “Please...don’t do this…” he found his voice, only to say that.

What else was he supposed to say? It was rich! The man he grew up with, the man he fought a killer clown demon with….the man...who was about to eat him.

Richie just sighed, lifting Eddie up carefully, much more carefully than the others would even dare, tilting his head up and placing Eddie right on his tongue. Letting go of the man and shutting his mouth.

Eddie's heart dropped at the quick action, Richie not even hesitating before putting Eddie into his mouth.

The heat inside richies mouth was enough to make Eddie let out a yell, going from chilly weather and a biting wind to a human sauna was not the best transition. The sensation of the wet, squishy muscle underneath him giving him a dose of reality-- He pushed against the roof of the mouth, hoping to re-open the mouth, but from the angle he was at, the throat was just becoming him.

He attempted to climb up the tongue, but no matter how close he would get to almost getting out, the saliva around him beckoned him down the tight, hot throat.

“Let me out!” Eddie yelled, but he knew it was no use, that Richie wouldn’t let him go, not after this. “Let me out you...fucking bastard!”

This was it? This is how he would go, he fought almost every dangerous creature in the book and won but he HAD to be eaten by someone he called a friend?

He felt himself getting weaker and weaker, his breath becoming more and more shortened with each breath. He found himself almost allowing his body to be pulled and squished around by the tongue, which happily licked at him.

He yelled as richie rolled him around, coating him in thick saliva in the process, but he really couldn’t do anything about it, the fear and fatigue getting to his head.

As the throat beckoned him down, he clawed at the tongue to keep himself out of the hot, wet esophagus “don’t do this!”

His words were met with no answer, but with a swallow.

Eddie yelled as his lower half was pulled into richies throat, he couldn’t move, which made him flail around even more, this was met with another swallow, thick muscles pulling the rest of him into the hungry throat and down the man's gullet, it was almost second nature to the man.

It must’ve been only a few seconds, but it felt like hours as he slid down the esophagus, unable to move and his Eddies head spinning with anxiety.

The one word spilling into Eddie's mind was only ....”Why?”

He pushed against the esophagus in an attempt to stop himself from sliding down any further, but all the saliva clinging to him and his clothes wouldn’t let him.

Suddenly, Eddie felt his legs slip into the stomach below him, gurgles and growls heard below him. As the rest of him slipped inside the belly, the whole experience became very...very real.

His head was dizzy from the lack of oxygen in the throat, and he couldn’t stop shaking at the thought of this being the final place he would be alive, nobody would know Richie had done it.

And that's the last thing Eddie Kaspbrack remembered, before passing out completely.

----------------------

Richie paused as he felt eddie go limp on his tongue for a few moments, he was scared this was too much for the little guy and his heart gave out, but the small man began to thrash around once more, which in a dark way, got him relieved, so he could continue.

This was a disaster, he hated how he had to eat people already, but the fact that it was Eddie made everything so much worse.

Richie should’ve known something was up when he saw Eddie in that cafe, he just couldn’t focus with the hunger eating him up inside.

Now it wasn’t only hunger eating him up...it was guilt.

He rolled Eddie around on his tongue a few more times, capturing the taste of the man.

he hated to admit it, but people tasted so good. It was almost like a drug for him, nothing really could sustain him for long, except for this. The longest he could go without eating a person was three weeks, he would move town to town with his tour, every few weeks swallowing a person to keep his energy up.

He carefully swallowed a few times, his Adam's apple bobbing as he brought his head back down, he could feel Eddie sliding slowly down his gullet, esophagus stretching as he did so it felt so...normal for him, like it was second nature.

One thing he was grateful for, was that he was the only guy that night who didn’t have a meal already lined up.

The past few weeks, meeting up with these guys got worse and worse, they were cruel, but for some reason they liked him, and would not leave him alone no matter how much he demanded them to, but tonight they agreed that tonight could be their last night

They always wanted it to be Derry, maybe because they lived there, maybe because the people tasted better. Richie didn't know, all he did was agree, since he didn't want one of their victims to become someone that he cared about. .

He felt guilty knowing the fates of the other two girls, but he knew he couldn’t stop it, they chose to kill those girls, they could’ve safely eaten them, but they chose to kill, which they thought he chose as well. He couldn’t change this, and it made him sick just to think about it.

As the two other giants shrank back down to their normal height, RIchie didn’t even bother to remember the jackasses names, they looked up at him.

“Sad to see ya go! Maybe we’ll meet up again!” one of them spoke, the other just nodded, before they both walked away.

sickos...

Richie stayed silent and still until they got out of sight, before letting out a deep breath, holding onto his stomach as he felt eddies body slip inside of it, it felt so...good to have someone in there again

But all according to plan,  he felt Eddie pass out, feeling his shallow breaths as he lay unconscious in his belly.

He was going to be okay...

----

It's too hot, It feels like I’m melting...I can’t move...I have to get out of here...I have to…

Eddie's eyes snapped open at the sound of a car horn, and a familiar yell, his head throbbing and he almost jumped out of his seat, he would’ve if he didn’t have his seatbelt on…

Seatbelt?!

Eddie's head snapped in every direction as he looked around, he was in a car, a blanket covering him...not where he thought he was...did...did he actually...no...he wasn’t...he couldn’t be… he wasn’t inside of a...

Richie let out a yell as Eddie popped up, making him swerve the car violently into the left lane, then back into the right lane, causing a chorus of more car horns to indicate that what he just did was an asshole move.

“Jesus fucking christ Eddie!” Richie yelled, “you scared the shit out of me!” he kept his eyes on the road, but the shock poured off of him like sweat.

Eddie just stared at richie as he drove, he could feel his body shaking at the sight of the man… he stammered for a moment, but he was only able to get out one word.

“Y-you…” his voice cracked a bit.

He didn’t want to believe it was true, but his clothes and hair being damp pointed out that might be the case, he felt his eyes sting with the threat of tears, never before had he felt this much Terror.

“I what eddie? I saved your life, what the fuck were you doing there?! If I wasn’t there you’d be fucking dead!” Richie turned to Eddie, giving him an angry look.

Richie was angry… at him?!

As Eddie got a good glypse at Richie, he noticed the man's face was red, his eyes a bit puffy, and he was shaking profusely, not to mention the cracks in his voice and the tears rolling down his face.

Richie was crying...Richie never cries…

“You actually...you fucking ate me?!’” Eddie finally worked up the courage to yell “What the fuck man?! I thought we were friends?!” his hand fell to his side, instinctively grabbing his knife holster, though only grabbing nothing, his knife lost in the fight earlier.

Richie didn’t respond, he just kept staring at the road. This just made Eddie angrier.

“You fucking piece of shit!” Eddie pulled the blanket off of him, shivering as his damp clothes absorbed the cold air around him. “You didn’t even tell any of us, you are a fucking m-monster!”

Again, silence, but he could see richie white knuckling the steering wheel.

Eddie could feel hot tears coming down from his eyes, “what's your plan now?” he couldn’t see himself leaving this vehicle alive, unless he hopped out the car door right now, even then he had a higher chance of ending up dead. “you should’ve made it quick like those other two fuckers did” he mumbled quietly.

Suddenly, Richie swerved across a few lanes, making Eddie slam into the car door instantly, which caused another abundance of yelling and anger from the man.

Richie didn’t say a word as he moved off of the highway, onto a local road, close to the treeline of the woods, slamming on the breaks at the closest place he could pull over at.

Eddie couldn’t help but be afraid of Richies silence, his slight shakiness as he held the wheel and the fact that Richie refused to make eye contact as he cried.

“I could’ve killed you.”  Richies voice cracked a slight bit.

Eddies heart sunk hearing those words, he could feel every bit of fear he had felt before hit him once again “R-Richie...I-I-”

“I could have done everything I said I would out there, and you could imagine what they would do if I wasn’t there…”

“Richie...p-please-”

“But I wouldn’t...I...I can’t Ed’s!” Richie lost all of his composure, and began yelling “I couldn’t let anything happen to you! What the hell were you thinking going after us? You could’ve died, Killing IT was one thing, but you’re alone!”

Eddie stared at him with a shocked expression, he felt his face flush, even if he was angry and scared, he was almost embarrassed, he felt like a child being berated by a parent, he frowned.

“You. ate. Me.”  Eddie spoke, emphasizing each word. “You ate me and you’re giving me shit?”

“But you’re still alive, hm?” Richie gestured up and down to Eddie, “nothing Hurt huh? You’re welcome.”

Those words actually got through to Eddie, “how am I...not dead…”

Richie sighed, hearing Eddie's tone, not angry, just...scared. “I’m not like them, Eddie. It's safe, because I’m safe…” Richie pinched the bridge of his nose “fuck that didn’t make sense, I..Its just something I can do.”

Eddie got a good look at Richie at this point, the man was no longer disheveled, he looked like he was good as new, no bags under his eyes, he didn’t look like he was going to pass out anymore...he looked healthy.

Eddie, felt tired, nauseous, and felt like he was about to pass out, they practically switched places. t

“What did you do to me…?” Eddie asked, which richie let out a small chuckle.

“Unlike Them”  he spoke of the two like it was bad luck to even think of them “I can’t digest living things, i uh… do have to eat living creatures though” he looked at Eddie, answering before the man could ask the question “I take energy, that's why you passed out, you came on the right day honestly, i usually wait a while before eating.”

“That's why there were survivors, that's how Mike knew--”

“Mike knows?” it sounded like a stupid question, but it had never crossed his mind. “How much does Mike know?” his voice was desperate, almost terrified.

“Not much… one girl that you...let go...talked to him about what she remembered…”

Richie shook his head “Fuck!” he yelled, slamming his hands on the wheels. “I left her on the pathway, watched her wake up, she shouldn’t have known about what happened.”

Eddie jumped at the slam “She didn’t remember anything, she thought escaped on her own, Mike has no idea what's going on, he...doesn’t even know he sent me here.”

“How the fuck doesnt he know?”

This is where Eddie began to feel nervous again-- what to say?

“A simple alias and a voice modifier did the trick.” Eddie rolled his eyes “and this isn’t my first time doing this.”

The shifter's heart sank.

Richie began piecing it all together, “You’re actually a hunter…?” he asked, “Tell me your joking Ed’s, you’re fucking with me…”

The thought of Eddie being an actual hunter was almost as absurd as knowing richie was a giant. Eddie was pretty fearless, but he didn’t act like the other hunters he’d met, if Eddie was actually a hunter, Richie was most likely a dead man.

“I uh… did tell you that I’m a Risk analyzer, I just didn’t tell you what kind of risks I worked with…” Eddie looked away, almost embarrassed. “I didn’t think I’d even run into you...or any of the losers on the job… Especially if the job is on one of you.”

Richie just stayed silent, Eddie. Eddie fucking Kaspbrack, kills monsters, just like him...all the time? He just silently turned on the car, driving back onto the main road. He felt this...intimidation now, and Richie did not like it at all.

“Richie?” Eddie asked, staring at the man, who just kept his eyes on the road. “Richie what's going on…?”

“I’m going to drop you off at your hotel, and guessing that there’s only one hotel that's not a total shithole, I’m guessing that's where you’re staying.” he spoke fast, like he didn’t want to talk to Eddie, which made the other man frown.

“You’re right...but...you seem...off.”

“Finding out my best friend is a killer isn’t something I really enjoy knowing.”

Holy shit…”Richie, are you...scared of me?” Eddie asked, utterly confused. He got no answer except for Richies face turning a slight red colour.

Eddie turned a bit red, but quickly changed the subject when Richie pulled into the driveway of the hotel, parking. “Are you going to answer me, dickwad” he only added the last part to get a reaction out of the man.

Richie snapped his head over to Eddie,  “we’ll finish this talk in the hotel room, I’m not staying in this car the entire night.”

“In the hotel room? What makes you think I’m letting you up there?”

“Because you can’t fucking walk.” Richie snapped once more, pointing to Eddie's legs, “Just try.”

Eddie just nodded, giving Richie a snarky look, then getting out of the vehicle.

“See!” Eddie spoke as Richie started, just waiting.  “What was that about---!”

Eddie couldn’t finish the sentence of glory as his legs wobbled. Making him fall to the concrete of the parking lot with a painful groan.

Richie got out of the car, a smug look on his face “what was what about?” He stood, hands in his hoodie pockets, holding back a bit of laughter.

Eddie just looked up, about to yell once more, but his own fear silenced him as he had to look up at Richie again, towering over him as he was on the pavement.

Richie frowned, seeing the fear in the hunters eyes, sighing

“Fuck--Here” Richie bent down, grabbing onto eddie, pulling the mans arm over his shoulder as to stablize him and help him move.

At first Eddie pushed back, not wanting Richie to even touch him at the moment, but something made him turn red as he got so close to him.

‘Do. not. Even. think. About. It.’

The walk up to the hotel room was silent, only minor grunts or breaths from either of the men.

Richie was practically going nuts with Eddie so close again--He would never admit it, but having eddie so close to his nose, he couldn’t help but smell him once again, and he smelled so...delicious, and the fact that he was able to taste him once meant that he knew that eddie was delicious.

‘Stop it….fucking stop.’

As they reached Eddie's door, the man tried to get the keys out of his pocket, only for Richie to just grab it out of his pocket himself, unlocking the door.

“T...thanks”

“Get in.”

Eddie sighed as they both walked in, the door shutting behind them. Eddie turned red as his luggage bag was sprawled on the bed, knives visible.

Richie groaned, seeing the blades, setting Eddie onto the bed, “Have enough fucking Knives man?”

“What? Scared?”

Richie said nothing, but looked away.

“The man who Eats people alive, is afraid of me?” Eddie couldn’t help but laugh, dry and sarcastic, “and I’m not a killer…”

Richie gave him a disbelieving look, eddies laugh faded

“Well I am a killer, but it's not like that...I researched creatures like you for a while, I made like four journals just observing you guys…”

“Wow, a nerd in literally everything. Even murder” richie rolled his eyes, but it was very noticeable when his shoulders relaxed slightly, though still seemed on guard as Eddie spoke, his eyes narrow and hesitant.

“After IT,” Eddie turned away. “I realized that some of these creatures, they just want to Hurt people… and...I just can’t let that happen. So I became a hunter… it was tough at first, but i’ve gotten better.” Eddie rubbed the back of his neck nervously “B-but I don’t kill people who are just trying to live their lives, only the ones who are killing people...which doesn’t make me that popular.”

Richie gave Eddie a look, not disproving, but just...intrigued, “Damn, a hunter with a moral backbone? Where have you been all my life”

Eddie paused, “I’ve been in your fucking life” He almost felt offended “suddenly I haven’t been with you because of my fucking career choice? Newsflash fuckface, I’m still fucking eddie kaspbrack”

Richie’s eyes widened “I didn't mean it--”

“You fucking EAT people. And I still see you as my...friend” Eddies voice lowered, looking away, “trust me, if I didn’t you’d be dead.”

Richie fell silent, somehow the word ‘friend’ still hurt him. Eddie could see the hurt on his face, looking away as well.

“All the other hunters i’ve known never gave me a chance to explain” Richie finally spoke after a few minutes, “They just see me as a monster.”

“i-I’m sorry.” Eddie responded “I didn’t mean--”

“Oh shut up.” Richie flashed a smile “You get a pass, I fucking ate you. I didn’t get a chance with any others.”

Eddie couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle at the comment, something so absurd about the situation allowed him to. He was a hunter, who had been eaten, and is now talking to the person who had eaten him.

“So...the other losers?” Eddie fake coughed, trying to change the subject “Do any of them know”

“FUCK no.” Richie shook his head loudly, “If they knew that I’ve wanted--” Richie paused mid sentence, sputtering, clearly not wanting that to come out.

Eddie's eyes widened, “No no no, you don't get to say that shit and NOT finish the sentence, dickweed.”

“I-I..er--” Richie couldn’t form a coherent sentence, too busy turning redder than a tomato.

“Richie...Have you thought about...Eating us...like all of us? The losers?”

At first, Richie resisted, sputtering out a shaky ‘no!’, but Eddie just stared at the man, his expression not changing, it was a trick he would use when they were kids, Richie would always break.

“Fuck you Kaspbrak!” Richie finally broke, throwing his hands in the air “what do you want me to say? There's not one goddamn day that goes by since the reunion where i don’t think about it! There! Judge me all you fucking want! It's not gonna change the fact that I wanted to Eat you!”

Richie turned red again as eddie just stared “forget it”

“Did you ever try?”

It was richie's turn to look offended “you think im fucking stupid? If I tried anything on that trip, you’d think i was IT, I wasn’t about to be killed by my friends!”

Eddie put his hands up defensively “Okay okay! Don’t get your panties in a twist! It was a fucking question!”

Richie slumped back, defeated “I’ve thought about it sure---I never planned to though!” Richie almost sounded like he was trying to promise Eddie this, rather than convince him “I never planned on telling you guys, not that you’d believe me if I did.”

“Well you didn’t exactly tell me...so you kept your plan?”

Richie gave him a ‘are you kidding me’ expression

“I will eat you again”

“Don’t make me pull out the Knives, Tozier.”

Before Richie could even say another word, a loud ringing came from the luggage bag. It was his backup phone, Eddie reached for it, Richie first shook his head not to answer, but Eddie did anyway.

“Mr Marsh? Oh thank god you answered, it's been so long I thought the worst? What happened?” Richie tensed up, hearing Mike's voice on the other end of the phone, Eddie looked at the frightened predator and shook his head, mouthing the words ‘voice modifier’ which made Richie calm down slightly, still uncomfortable to hear Mike's voice.

Though on the other hand, Richie couldn’t help but laugh at the ‘Mr. Marsh’ mouthing to Eddie ‘are you fucking serious?’

Eddie shook his head, trying to wave the man off “Sorry Mr Hanlon, I understand your concern, everything is--”

“Ed’s?”

Eddie's sentence came to a full stop as Mike said his name, and so did his heart “w-what?”

“i-I” Mike stammered on the phone for a second “Eddie is that you?”

Richie, in an act of pure instinct, snatched the phone away from Eddie, who yelled out a quick “wait!” Before Richie hung up, turning the phone off.

There were a few moments of silence, you could practically hear the two’s hearts pumping loudly and full of anxiety.

“Shit.” they both said in unison.

---------

its good to be back...again!

[hand-in-my-pocket]

“Hand in My Pocket” Lyrics Analysis

“Hand in My Pocket” is amazing for its ability to tell the story of any person’s life within it. If you listen to this song close enough, you can hear every detail of your life coursing through its verses. You see your most painful defeats and your most feverish exaltations somehow perfectly captured by the song. You hear your failures, your addictions, your temptations, your attempts to be a better person, your maturation, and your love for life. Alanis Morissette captured the true essence of life in this song.

Life is so sad and yet so happy. Life is an unimaginable mass of misery: it’s all the war, starvation, loss, alienation, depression, the sum of all of it, over 7 billion people. How can anyone be hopeful in the face of these miseries, especially when everyone knows they have contributed to them? We all make mistakes and we have all made someone else’s life worse, whether intentionally or not. We all make bad decisions, but we all try as best as we can not to. And yet we still find ways to enjoy life and be happy and say “everything is just fine.” Every one of those unimaginable sadnesses has a counterpart in happiness, and there is so much that is equally happy and beautiful that it is simultaneously difficult to imagine how one could not love life.

What jumps out about the verses most prominently is the constant contrast and duality. We will explore each of these in detail, but first let’s look at the chorus, which is where this duality is most fully realized.

And what it all comes down to Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine 'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is givin' a high five

Reserved but resolved. Afraid but brave. Having one hand in your pocket but giving a high five. Keeping one hand in your pocket is a metaphor for many things: reservation, fear, uncertainty, keeping close to yourself, individuality. To live is to know pain, and none of us chose to be born. Everyone is brave simply for living. How can you blame anyone for keeping one hand in their pocket? No one is fully sure of themselves, and everything they do is still with one hand in the pocket. There is no true confidence. Confidence is an act for the outside world to observe, but every mind is muddled with doubts. Our minds stop developing at around the age of 25, but our bodies age continually. Trapped in this arrested development, everyone essentially is living with the mind of a child but the body of an adult. There is a huge disconnect between your outward appearance or image to others and who you know to be to yourself. Everyone is putting on a bit of a show by “giving a high five” to their friends, while still remaining with a “hand in their pocket” to themselves. This high five belies the trepidation and uncertainty we all feel. We are in denial living a life trying to be happy, knowing we are inching closer to death and scared because of it.

So why is “everything gonna be fine”? Well, the hand in the pocket is to be expected, but it is amazing that we still do give high fives. Even though we can view living life as a denial of death, we can alternatively view giving a high five as a leap of faith and an act of love. We cannot live solely as individuals, and there would be no life without community. We can’t live if we have both hands in the pocket, and no one can truly take both hands out of the pocket, so the best we can do is to take one out. To have both hands in your pocket is to die and disintegrate and be absorbed by the Earth. To have both hands out of your pocket is to leave your body and transcend to the heavens. That’s why to be a human is to have one hand in your pocket and the other outside of it. If this doesn’t make sense yet, it will as we go through many examples during  the analysis.

Throughout this entire song, Morissette’s hand is in her pocket, and other hand is always doing other things. Fear and sadness and stability are a constant throughout life; it’s always something that’s there and can’t change. However, because of time’s unstoppable move forward, you are forced to live life, so even though you always have a hand in the pocket, you always have another hand doing different things at different stages in life. And it is inspiring that even though life is sad, we all still somehow push through and live through it and find happiness.

And what it all comes down to Is that everything's gonna be quite alright 'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is flickin' a cigarette

This is similar to the first chorus, but something changed. In the first chorus, “fine” and “five” rhymed (although imperfectly) while in this chorus “alright” and “cigarette” do not rhyme. This is the first sign that something is amiss. Although you might not have noticed, this song actually has a chronological progression. The song tracks the stages of a person’s life from innocence to disappointment to acceptance. In the first chorus, Morissette is still as excited and forward-looking as you would expect any child to be. Although the central message of the song is built into the chorus, Morissette is still confident that everything will be fine. Although Morissette is still maintaining that  things will be alright, there is some doubt communicated by the lack of a rhyme with cigarette.

And what it all comes down to Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet 'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is givin' a peace sign

Now Morissette has changed the message. Instead of saying everything is gonna be fine, she says that she doesn’t have it all figured out yet. Why is this confidence supplanted by doubt? We again see that the chorus doesn’t rhyme. In fact, in a fittingly cruel irony, if Morissette did not change her mind and continued saying that things were gonna be fine, the chorus would have actually rhymed (and perfectly too). Interestingly enough, “yet” actually does rhyme with something we heard before: “cigarette.” In the previous chorus, Morissette was still innocent and excited but began having her doubts when she saw that not everything fit perfectly, and in her attempt to try to rectify the mismatch between “fine” and “cigarette” she changed her worldview from “everything is gonna be fine” to “I haven’t got it all figured out just yet” hoping that now her philosophy would be consistent with her experience. Furthermore, her new worldview that “I haven’t got it all figured out just yet” reflects the fact that the previous lack of rhyme was a signal that she actually doesn’t understand everything yet. Of course, this is all a metaphor for living life, being enthusiastic and having big dreams as a child, thinking that once you become an adult, you will have everything figured out, then growing up and being that adult and seeing you don’t have everything figured out and being afraid that maybe something is wrong with you. Of course, we all later realize that every adult is like this and really no one has it figured out, but that is what the next chorus directly address. This stage of life is the scariest and most difficult though. Your dreams have not been realized and you are not as carefree as you were as a child, and most of all, you are confused because life doesn’t make any sense. And the fact that you are confused is scary because this is your life, your one and only life, the life that you looked forward to as a kid and had so many dreams about, and now it’s yours, it’s in your hands, and you have no idea what to do with it. You are looking for that perfect answer, but you never find it, even though sometimes it feels like it’s barely eluding you (just like Morissette barely missed what would have been the only perfect rhyme in the song: “fine” and “sign”).

It’s also worth noting that “giving a peace sign” is different from giving a high five or flicking a cigarette. It is not just a mundane daily action, but a message of the most naïve optimism. Although this chorus represents what may be the lowest stage in a person’s life, Morissette’s action with her free hand is the most optimistic in the song. Perhaps this is denial, an act of strong outward positivity meant to counteract the inward fear. Or perhaps it is really an optimistic message in and of itself: even at our lowest lows we still hope for progress and we still care for others. It again conjures the central beauty of life: that in the face of so much sadness and disappointment, we can still find ways to love, forgive, and be happy.

And what it all boils down to Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet Well, I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is playin' a piano

After the nadir, we now have the first sign of maturation. Morissette realizes that she is not the only lost soul populating Earth. Just like her, everyone doesn’t have it “figured out.” This realization is simultaneously alarming and relieving. It’s sad that life is just a bunch of people walking around pretending to be important when really everyone is lost and confused and humanity is a befuddled mess. But isn’t it nice to know you’re not alone? We are all in this together, and we can all comfort each other as we confront this truth of our nature. This realization is where the healing process can begin. Life is not what we thought it would be. It’s a mess, but armed with this new understanding that everyone is confused and that life is unfair, we can redefine what we understand about life and we can create new values and outlooks that are healthy and can actually lead us to happiness. This is what Morissette does in the next chorus.

It is also worth noting that the other hand in this chorus is playing a piano. We can assume she also had one hand in the pocket while composing this very song. This is a self-aware nod that Morissette cannot even claim full confidence over this song or any of her artistic work. Even as she spreads her life-affirming message of humility, there is a recognition that this song is no conclusive answer as such a thing can never exist.

And what it all comes down to my friends, yeah Is that everything is just fine, fine, fine 'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is hailin' a taxi cab

To close the song, Morissette settles on “everything is just fine.” This is markedly different from “everything is gonna be just fine.” This outlook is an acceptance that things the way they are right now are good enough, and you don’t need to look towards the future to wait for when things will be fine. As kids, we all make the mistake of pinning our happiness to some conception of the future, and the eventual mismatch of expectation and reality makes us sad. Now after going through the development of hope followed by disappointment, Morissette has learned to accept what she has now because there is always so much to be happy about, even small things, like high fives.

It is worth noting that the last two verses do not rhyme at all. Attempts at rhyming are completely abandoned after Morissette was burned by trying to find some solution to life and failing. But the song is just as beautiful even without the rhymes. This is just like life, still beautiful despite its flaws.

“Hailing a taxi cab” at the end of the song could be interpreted as a metaphor for death, with the taxi cab taking you away from life. The last line before this chorus mentions that she is sick, perhaps meaning the narrator is close to death in the arc of the song.

Now let’s explore the lines of the verses. We have touched on a lot of themes in this opening analysis of the chorus, and all of these will be greatly elaborated upon in the analysis of the verses.

I’m broke, but I’m happy

How can someone be happy even though they are broke? Could it be because your material possessions are somewhat independent from your happiness? That is exactly true, and this song is certainly a rebuke of materialism. Material success (e.g. wealth, fame) is something only the minority of people know. This is by definition as material success is measured relative to others. For example, to be rich is to have more money than most people, meaning most people are not rich. But it’s not true that most people are unhappy. Happiness is not measured relative to others. It is also a well-studied fact of psychology that increasing your wealth past a certain point has no positive long-term effects on happiness. Furthermore, pursuing extrinsic goals (goals that are pursued for their material outcome) are much less likely to make you happy than pursuing an intrinsic goal (a goal that is pursued for the sake of the pursuit, e.g. developing a skill, raising a kid).

I’m poor, but I’m kind

The ability of humans to be kind to each other is one of humanity’s most important and beautiful qualities. Morissette might be poor, and others might be alone, disabled, sick, or anything else, but despite their neediness they can miraculously subvert their Darwinian individualistic instinct by being kind even though they may stand to gain something from being selfish. Why are there people like this? Why is the poor but kind person a stereotype? Why is there the dual stereotype of the rich but coldhearted person? Obviously there are exceptions to both of these stereotypes; they are merely stereotypes after all. There are plenty of great, kind, loving rich people and bad, selfish poor people. However, we know there is on average a difference between the two and this indicates some sort of pressure acting disproportionately on these two groups. One way this discrepancy arises is from the fact that people who are selfish and individualistic are more likely to become rich because they have more ways to become rich since being willing to do something at the expense of someone else gives more opportunities and paths to success for selfish people. It’s not their fault though. We should not be upset at selfish or coldhearted people. We must forgive them. Forgiveness is the central message of this song. Many of these dualities are forgivenesses: “I’m poor, but [I forgive that fact because] I’m kind.” Happiness itself is a forgiveness. To be happy even though life is sad, is to forgive life and to forgive humanity for its faults and still appreciate it for the good it has. The arc of the song even reads like a forgiveness: Life gave me hopes, it thwarted those hopes, but I learned to forgive it and be happy anyway. Selfish people are selfish because they’ve been led that way by life. Selfishness is baked into human DNA. Our brains make us think that success will make us happy. People who are selfish are lost in their own way, and in the fourth chorus, we realize that everyone is lost. Everyone has something wrong with them, and everyone is guilty, but it’s easy to sympathize with them because they were just trying to be happy. Therefore, everyone should ask for forgiveness from everyone, and everyone should forgive everyone.

I’m short, but I’m healthy, yeah

This is still the first verse of the song, or the childhood phase, and being short and healthy is characteristic of children as opposed to being sick, like in the final verse.

The first two lines dealt with one kind of materialism, money, but this line deals with another, appearance. Striving for a good appearance is another way life tricks us by infecting us with expectations that will likely disappoint us in the future. Our biology and society tell us to strive for a good appearance, but this is absurd because no one can actually control their own appearance. Many factors of your appearance are decided by DNA and impossible to change. Obviously there are many things you can do to improve your own appearance like grooming and exercise, but many of the most important factors really do come down to DNA. To use Morissette’s example, you can never change your own height, but this could immediately disqualify you from being a certain level of attractive. It is such a shame then that so many people end up staking happiness on appearance. We must all eventually learn to live with this as Morissette does in the fifth chorus. We must learn to forgive appearance and love life despite it. Ultimately, it’s material and extrinsic, and it’s not what truly makes one happy.

There is something that is closely tied to appearance but actually is a good idea to pursue: health (the subject of the second half of this lyric). Even though living healthy and getting exercise improves your appearance, it has some major differences from appearance. First of all, your health is in your control. There are things about your appearance you can never change, but almost everyone has the capability to drastically influence their health. (Of course, there are exceptions: for example, people with uncontrollable disorders or people who lack access to nutritious food.) The other important difference is that pursuing good health actually has a tangible positive physical effect. Unlike appearance, whose effects on you are ethereal and abstract, good health physically changes your brain chemistry to make you happier. Pursuing health is usually a good intrinsic goal. There’s a lot of parts of our biology that work against us to makes us sad in the long-term, so it only makes sense to leverage the parts of our biology that can make us happy.

It is interesting that there is this fine line between pursuing appearance and health. There are many of these fine lines all over life. For example, most of the Seven Deadly Sins all have counterparts across a thin line like this, e.g. Love / Lust, Sloth / Rest. It’s because all the good is mixed with all of the bad. That’s why many of the lyrics are inseparable opposites. One must always have one hand in their pocket and another outside.

I’m high, but I’m grounded

This can be translated to the Platonistic “I’m celestial, but I’m earthly.”

We are all necessarily grounded on Earth because of its gravitational pull. No matter how high we ever get in life, the gravity of Earth will always pull us down. Earth and life are inherently flawed. We won’t ever find perfect happiness or harmony. Everyone eventually gets to a peak early in life after which they are pulled back down and need to readjust expectations. As discussed with the choruses, it is impossible to take both hands out of your pocket, and it is also impossible to not be grounded. However, the ability to forgive and still be high while grounded is the beauty in life. Even though everything we do may be imperfect and half-hearted with one hand in our pocket, the fact that we still do keep that second hand out of our pocket despite all of the adverse pressures not to is what this song celebrates.

I’m sane, but I’m overwhelmed

This is very similar to the previous line. No matter how sane you are, you still don’t have it figured out just yet, and hence you will be overwhelmed.

An interesting thing to note is that the first three lyrics took the form of “I’m [negative thing], but I’m [positive thing]”; however, the order is reversed in these two lyrics. It turns out that no matter which angle you view it from, you will always find good and bad. Looking at a situation in a positive light, you will always find something bad about it, and vice versa. The good and the bad are inseparable in life, and sometimes it is ambiguous which is which. Furthermore, no matter what worldview you have, there will always be doubts and counterarguments. There is no satisfying answer to life, and there is nothing you could declare without there being a “but” that can follow it. It is inevitable that things will not work out perfectly and there will always be bad with the good, and this song is about acceptance of that fact.

I’m lost, but I’m hopeful, baby

This idea has already been discussed at this point in the analysis. It is explicitly stating some of the subtext of the choruses. To not be lost would be to have both hands out of the pocket while to lose hope would be to have both hands inside the pocket.

I feel drunk, but I’m sober

There are plenty of ways to feel drunk while being sober. Sleep deprivation, for example, can produce many drug-like effects. You could feel drunk any time something is causing your brain to process information differently and change your perceptions. The way you perceive the outside world physically changes during the brain development of the first 25 years of your life, but the transition is gradual because you cannot feel it in the moment. However, if you could skip back to the brain of your adolescent self for a few hours, the effect would be much like that of taking a drug. We also enter a different mode of perception every night through dreaming. The lack of consistency in our perception is part of why empiricist philosophers are so skeptical of the veracity of our perceptions. Two people can view the same thing entirely differently. We even often view the same thing differently from ourselves at a different point in time. In fact, at two different points in time you are effectively two different people. Why do we sometimes dislike a movie, then watch it later and love it? Life events can change your perspective by giving you new experiences. Watching a movie about a family might be an entirely different experience before and after having a kid. Having a kid can completely change the way you see life; it can change your reality. Meanwhile, your having a kid has no effect on others’ realities. Everybody’s reality is constantly in flux, and these realities clash with each other. Part of forgiving others is recognizing that they just have a different reality.

It is harder to tell what is reality when you are drunk. Your memory is bad, your thoughts intermingle with your perceptions and cloud your judgment. But even when you are sober, this is all still true, just to a lesser extent. Humans are notorious for faulty memories, and their thinking can be influenced by the outside world. Priming studies have shown, for example, that levels of selfishness can change among individuals depending on things like which room of the house they are in or which words they have seen recently, for completely subconscious reasons. Your mode of thinking can change just by seeing the word “family” without consciously knowing it. We are all always feeling drunk in a way because in this confusing world with our faulty perceptions, it’s hard to really tell what reality even is.

I’m young, and I’m underpaid

To be underpaid is to be undervalued. Everyone is undervalued by others to some extent. People see flaws in other people and value them less for it. What would it even mean to not be undervalued? To be valued at exactly what you are worth? People don’t have concrete values so this is an absurd proposition. The idea of valuing a person is another human fallacy that causes unhappiness. The idea of giving people concrete values is attractive because it is convenient and easy to understand. Humans make abstractions to simplify our views of the world to make it more digestible. Science is a wonderful example that has made the world feel less like a confusing mess. Tying your own worth to some concrete value, although easy to understand, leaves you susceptible to unhappiness due to mismatched expectations. Wanting a salary above a certain dollar amount or a certain number of followers on social media are easy goals to measure, but not obtaining them will make you unhappy, so you are just giving yourself a way to concretely measure that you are a failure, even though a single number cannot possible capture your worth. Goals are great to set and pursue, but your happiness should be staked on personal development through the pursuit of the goal, not a material end result.

This is the first lyric that uses “and” as its conjunction rather than “but.” As discussed before, the good and the bad are inseparable, so using “and” is just a more direct way of saying what’s been said in the previous lyrics. At this point, there is not much of a distinction.

I'm tired, but I'm working, yeah

This lyric and the previous one paint the image of someone who is still young and optimistic, working hard to achieve their goals. As discussed in our analysis of the choruses, the outlook of this person will be revised as the song progresses.

Doing work makes you tired, and the more tired you are, the less work you can do. Resting makes you less tired, but the more you rest, the less work you do. Finding the right balance between work and rest is a big struggle for humanity. Rest and work are both good, but doing either too much or too little is bad. This is another case in which humans are forced to have one hand in the pocket (rest) and one outside of it (work); however, instead of human nature being the driver of this dynamic, the laws of physics themselves actually make this necessary. It is not only true that humans get tired as they work. This is true of everything in nature; doing work requires energy, and energy is not unlimited. Having one hand in a pocket is not just a feature of humanity but a feature of nature itself.

I care, but I’m restless

To care is to want better, but often anything you do that has a positive effect also has a negative one. You cannot separate the good from the bad, so if you care about the good, you will inevitably be driven restless by trying to shoo away the bad. Pursuing perfection is a game of Whac-A-Mole. Even if you could in theory achieve perfection at some point, this perfection would all be undone by the progress of time which eventually destroys everything. To achieve perfection is to stop time. There is no perfection; it’s a law of nature.

I’m here, but I’m really gone

Who you were when you were a kid is gone; who you were five years ago is gone; who you were a year ago is gone; who you were last month is gone; and who you were a second ago is gone. It’s all gone, lost to the ether. The first time we heard this song, the person who wrote it was already gone. Each life is a beautiful flicker of a firefly in time. As Mark Eitzel writes in “Firefly,” “You're so pretty baby / You're the prettiest thing I know / You're so pretty baby / Where did you go?” All we really ever have is the present moment. Like this moment right now, this moment in which you are reading the ramblings of someone blogging about an Alanis Morissette song. Isn’t there something strange and beautiful about this moment? There will never be another one like it. Time forces one hand out of the pocket. It moves forward whether we consent or not, and it forces us to continue living life. The forward movement of time causes us to be hungry again, to be lonely again, and we have to act to satisfy these desires. There is nothing we can do besides placid acceptance. “Everything is just fine, fine, fine.”

I’m wrong, and I’m sorry, baby

And now we come to what is arguably the most important line of the song. Following the pattern of stating a positive along with a negative, we have “I’m wrong” (a negative) followed by “I’m sorry” (a positive). Humanity can be summed up with this line. Being wrong is universal. Nobody is infallible. In fact, most people are flawed in very conspicuous ways. Can you name anyone who is truly perfect? And if everyone you know is imperfect, then surely you are not the only perfect one, right? No, being wrong and being flawed is nothing to be ashamed of. We are all in this together; everyone is a bad person in a lot of ways. But humanity’s saving grace is that we are trying to be good. Everybody really does try. This lyric can be translated to “I’m bad, and I’m trying to be good.” No individual can escape the gravity of being bad, and this understanding is essentially to maturation. Morissette bravely leads the way by admitting she is wrong to us and asking for forgiveness. The proper response is for us to forgive her, admit that we are wrong too, and ask for forgiveness back. 

The flip side to the fact that everyone is wrong is that everyone has been wronged. Many people are wronged in ways that can never be rectified. How can you forgive someone who has irrevocably wronged you? Only with the recognition that they have been irrevocably wronged as well. And if you still cannot forgive someone, I can forgive you for not being able to. In fact, we are all irrevocably wronged by nature itself. Time dispassionately and irreversibly takes away all of our loved ones from us (if it doesn’t take us first). Yet to not forgive time is madness and denial. Being wronged is nature. To be happy is to be happy despite being wronged. To be happy is to accept and forgive. 

Most of all, people are wronged by themselves.  Everyone thwarts their own potential and wastes parts of their limited life to some extent due to succumbing to temptations, bad judgment, and selfish motivations. We often willingly and knowingly wrong ourselves on top of everything else. We beat ourselves up over it because it was completely in our control. However, if this is something that happens to everyone, then maybe it’s time to stop thinking we have so much control. Of course, everyone should try to be the best they can, but with the healthy recognition that our brains work against us by design (e.g. catalyzing selfish actions, rewarding addictive behavior). Ultimately, the most important reason that we should, along with Morissette, admit we are wrong is not for others to forgive us, but for us to forgive ourselves. We should try to be as good as we can but understand that we will always be flawed. Learning to forgive others goes hand-in-hand with learning to forgive yourself. Others are a reflection of yourself, and we are all a reflection of human nature, a complex, beautiful, monstrous beast that gives us everything and also takes everything away. Forgive nature, forgive yourself, then be happy.

I’m free, but I’m focused

With the knowledge that our own natures often work against us, it’s clear to see that freedom is a double-edged sword. To have total freedom is to have freedom to engage in behaviors that destroy us. We are free to become addicted to drugs, sex, video games, gambling; we are free to neglect diet, hygiene, and exercise; we are free to not be productive and instead spend our time watching the same TV show over and over; we are free to isolate ourselves from others; we are free to abandon our families. Freedom affords many great advantages but also greatly widens the window of opportunity for failure. Freedom on its own is meaningless without focus or responsibility. Freedom is a tool that must be properly directed.

I’m green, but I’m wise

A kid can be smart for their age. They’re not really smart, but relative to other kids, they are smart. When we say an adult is smart, there is an implied “for a human” at the end of the statement because, let’s be honest, no one is really actually smart. Morissette says this herself: “No one really has it figured out just yet.” It makes sense for a kid to say “I’m green, but I’m wise for a kid,” and it equally makes sense for an adult to say “I’m green, but I’m wise for a human.” 

It is also worth discussing that many of the descriptors used in this song are relative terms. There is no pure Platonic form of wisdom that we actually have to measure our own wisdom against to know how wise we really are in an absolute sense. When we say someone is wise, of course what we really mean is that they are wiser than the average person. Our idea of wisdom is based on how wise humans are, and what it means to be wise would change if everyone were collectively wiser. This is partly why it is so easy to claim you are two opposite things as Morissette does throughout the track. Since the meanings of these words are relative, their truth is not absolute and depends on what we compare against. Any person can have different levels of intelligence and experience in different areas. You could say “I’m green when it comes to relationships but wise when it comes to self-care” for example. But there is an interesting and universal example. Everyone is wise when it comes to knowing themselves and green when it comes to knowing others. Everyone has the utmost experience with being themselves and no experience with being a different person. To really understand what it means to be human is to sum the experience of every person and abstract out what is universal among them. However, the only lived experience anyone ever has is their own. Therefore, no individual can ever really know human nature. Every living person holds a different piece of the puzzle, and interchange is not physically possible.

I’m hard, but I’m friendly, baby

We all would love to be as friendly and open as possible, and let as many people into our lives as we can, but as we’ve already discussed, everyone is a bad person in some ways, so if you let yourself be too open to allow anyone in, you risk getting burned by someone’s bad side. Hence, we all have to be hard in some ways. There is also another tradeoff: the more open you are, the more people you become friends with, and the more friends you have, the less time you have to spend with each individual friend, meaning your relationships will be less close on average. Each person falls somewhere on the spectrum between hard and friendly. Your position within this range can influence whether you develop a few close relationships or a lot of less close relationships. Even with each individual friend you have, there is a tradeoff with how close you want to be with them. If you are not very close, you might not know them as well and hence run a higher risk of being burned by them, but since you are not so close, being burned is a lesser breach of trust than with a closer friend. However, a close friend has a lower risk of burning you since you’ve gotten to trust them enough to let them in, but since they are closer, the impact of them burning you is much more destructive. Therefore, keeping a small circle of close friends gives a low risk of a high cost while a large circle of less close friends gives a high risk of a low cost. Because of this dangerous dynamic, each person must selectively be hard to reserve trust and friendly to give trust for each relationship they maintain. To be completely hard would be to close off all contact from humanity, to effectively kill yourself; and to be completely friendly would be to allow yourself to be taken advantage of by anyone, to effectively allow someone else to kill you. A fully friendly figure, a Jesus or a Prince Myshkin, cannot be realized in humanity, as one would need to transcend their nature.

Many things in life are a necessary evil. Any action we take inadvertently introduces some poison into our body. Most of the food we eat is necessary for health, yet introduces trace amounts of what will eventually kill us. Making friends is necessary for mental health, yet also opens us to small poisons that may later kill us. Any action we take may eventually be the reason we die, and ultimately life is the cause of death.

I'm sad, but I'm laughing

Why do sad things sometimes make us laugh? Even though laughing usually makes us feel good, is there any reason why sad things can’t be funny? In fact, no, there isn’t and it is perfectly natural for many sad things to be funny. One of the most common reasons we find something funny is that it is unexpected. There are exceptions to this rule, but usually humans find unexpected things funny. Now, let’s consider what makes us sad. Often, the things that make us sad are also unexpected. Often sadness is the product of a mismatch between expectations and reality, as previously discussed. On the other hand, you are usually happy when reality meets your expectations, which is why we find happy situations funny much less often than sad situations. There is nothing funny or surprising about wanting a job and then getting the job. However, really wanting a job and then not getting it can be surprising and hence funny depending on the situation. Among your sad ruminations, at some point there might appear the self-aware recognition of how sad you are, how absurdly bad this situation is, and how things just did not go at all how you foresaw, and the surprise of it all is a little funny, even if the surprise is a sad one.

The act of being sad but laughing is also a perfectly natural reaction to the world at large. Sometimes there are ways in which the world seems too bad to be true. Sometimes it’s hard to believe how it’s even possible for humanity to have gotten itself into some situations. For example, it’s absurd that we have created weapons with enough force to destroy the world and now they are in control of a few individuals, even though we know all humans are fallible. There’s no kidding it’s sad, but it’s also such a strange, unbelievable situation that it’s also funny.

I'm brave, but I'm chickenshit

In this context, chickenshit means cowardly. But how can someone be brave and the opposite of brave at the same time? Plato observed that people can hold conflicting desires. For example, someone can desire to eat a burger because they are hungry, but simultaneously desire not to eat it because it is unhealthy. It’s not news that our mind has conflicting impulses and identities that lead to indecision or decisions we regret. (Plato separates the soul into three parts; Freud separates the psyche into id, ego, super-ego.) Therefore, we often harbor contradictory desires that not only confuse others but also confuse ourselves. It’s hard to pin down even what your own identity is. We’ve talked a lot about how life is sad, but it is also just confusing. Our decision-making apparatus is convoluted, hard to understand and hard to control, and after we make a decision, the feedback we get from life is often also convoluted and unclear, which prevents us from evaluating whether the decisions we made had a negative or positive effect. Furthermore, since we often harbor contradictory desires, we often voluntarily do things we don’t actually want to do, which is another way our biology works against us.

I believe to live is to be brave. Life is a crucible of pain, and each individual has their own intractably difficult problems to deal with. And then of course to be chickenshit in the face of these intractable problems is only natural.

I'm sick, but I'm pretty, baby

Everything is sick but pretty. Because of time, everything is temporary and constantly progressing closer to its end. Any time we witness beauty, whether it’s a person, a piece of art, or a flower, we were lucky because we caught that beauty in a moment when it still existed, a moment that was immediately lost to the ether. Every beauty we know will perish. Each person, intricately and uniquely developed after decades of life, eventually disappears completely. Ultimately, we are all sick but pretty. This fact is sad but happy. We can choose to be sad that one day we will die, or we can accept this fact and be happy that each passing moment is beautiful.

[gg-astrology]

Kim Taeyeon (Brief Overview)

💕 In celebration of her new single Something New , here is a brief Taeyeon analysis to congratulate our precious leader taeng!! 💕

💕disclaimer: i’m no expert on astrology but these are my interpretations of the signs and how they’re working based on my experiences with them. Everyone has different opinions and studies in astrology, all interpretation and experiences within the realm is valid. However feel free to make your own post or skip if you strongly disagree. There might be inaccuracy and difference in opinions. But the point of this post is to relate, entertain and have a fun time. I’m hoping to validate people with similar experiences and get people excited about the girls+ astrology. Also, since we don’t know most of their birth times, I’m using the standard 12.00pm💕

March 9 1989 (Jeonju, Korea)

Pisces Sun/Aries Moon

Pisces sun has such a softer, much more rounded physical feature. Since it’s ruled by Neptune, there’s some otherworldly quality to them that just makes them appear so attractive to those around. 

People with Pisces sun in 2nd decan, she’s under the influence of the Moon/Cancer-ruled. This balances out her Aries moon so well, because with 2 water-influences in her sun (self-expression/ego) it keeps the fire-moon in line (Aries won’t overwhelm her Sun) 

Since Pisces do get along and tend to work better with Cancer, people with these placements will exhibit more will-power and pro-activeness in their immediate external world. Sure, they’re still homebodies and are introverted, but unlike Scorpio’s influence on Pisces they won’t have to deal so much with emotional intensity and fluctuation that are well beyond their control.

There’s a need for introversion, Taeyeon has said before that she’s much more of a homebody than any of the other members. Although she tends to get lonely (Pisces sun) she feels more comfortable at home. People with Cancer’s influences on their Sun also tends to be a bit moodier and withdrawn. 

Often they’re shier to open up, but once they do they’re extremely nurturing and comforting to be around. The water-signs have an ability to accept those from different paths of life and make them feel loved and appreciated for who they are- no matter what. 

Although it can change if the person crosses them, their tenderness and loving care is something everyone wants to experience.

Cancer influencing her sun really points out the introverted nature of Taeyeon, it’s not much of a ‘I don’t want to speak to people’ vibe so much as wanting to be comfortable in domestic areas or be connected to their childhood life. Cancer rules the fourth house, which is the house that can signify a need for good domestic atmosphere and enriched home-life. 

She probably gets more rejuvenated doing activities outdoors in the garden, grooming plants or making home-cooked meals. 

Since Aries needs activities, and Pisces/Cancer needs home-life, finding things to do around her house would really help her with not feeling so isolated or falling deeper into Pisces’s Depression.  

In a way Pisces and Cancer can be harmful if it overpowers their will. In Taeyeon’s case, she has such an enriched sun that it may tend to overpower her emotional needs (moon) if she’s not careful and doesn’t seek interactions every once in a while. 

She tends to give so much to others especially in this decan, and feels uncomfortable taking back that it over-balances her Sun. The Pisces influence once over-balance and lead to excessive sleeping habits to avoid reality or insomnia. If she regulates her sleeping schedule properly and try to find a balance in incorporating her Aries moon into fueling her sun, there could be a good outlet for her to look into. 

Whilst home-life may be good, it can be hard to sustain because of fluctuating emotions. Cancers influence can make her go through throes of emotions very rapidly that her Pieces can’t keep up, and Pisces resorts to escapism within themselves and use their domestic home life as a place to sink deeper into self-delusions (become like a ‘mark’ like ‘oh it’s time for that depression’ due to environmental conditioning). 

Pisces sun can become disconnected from reality and the world around them, and they have to realize that sometimes seeking out the opposite of what you wanted to do - even if its scares you- can actually turn out to be a good opportunity to let that energy out.

 She’s great with handling social interactions because of how reactive her Aries Moon gets, but it’s so controlled by her Sun that it can be stifling by herself.

If you think about it, Aries moon (emotions) is like the child and it’s co-ruled by the mum (Cancer) and dreamer (Pisces). Maybe it can be like having two mums, since both Cancer/Pisces is a yin (feminine) placement. It can lead to chiding the moon alot more, especially since the moon is the youngest of the bunch.  

Anyways, Taeyeon’s straight forward, forth-coming style of speaking is such an inspiration and it probably touches alot of people’s hearts. 

Besides the possibly unhealthy controlling of her moon, the way it behaves right now is calmer and less destructive than how it’s supposed to be and it’s benefiting her greatly. 

Aries moon in Taeyeon loves challenges, can be argumentative and often it would instigate reactions out of people around them. She’s a great entertainer overall, and her Pisces sun makes her wiser as she ages. It keeps her from making stupid decisions, and her arguments/anger are usually quick to come and go. 

It might be a little bit more stubborn for her to apologize however, since Pisces sun (ego) is involved and tends to be a bit more cautious with handling out apologies (even though it wants to). With an Aries moon, her self-expression (Sun) is amplified because of it’s energy. 

Aquarius Mercury

She has a charm about her when she speaks, it’s invigorating and innovative because of the Aquarius Mercury. 

Aquarius Mercury natives tends to be much more logical and analytical than other air signs, there’s a stability to them. They’re quick witted and quick-thinking and often they persuade people through sound arguments with backed up points in order to get their ideas across easier.

There’s also an intense and intimidating curiosity and the need to explore things in a logical manner for her, combined with her Aries moon she can often be very gung-ho about topics and her manner of speaking is often very blunt and direct. 

Aquarius Mercury also talks about the way they think. Taeyeon has unconventional thinking weaving inside of her, but she’ll always choose individuality and uniqueness to express herself. 

It can influence your Venus style if you have this Aquarius Mercury (3rd decan/Venus-ruled), because her brain and choices are always going to pick something that’s a bit more daring, a bit more outside the box and a bit more interesting that will keep others interested. 

She can pick out holes in conversations very quickly, especially with a reactive moon like Aries, her displeasures or thoughts are quickly written on her face. Since being rookies Taeyeon has observed and interacted with many variety show stars and hosts, she’s always been courageous in speaking up on issues like LGBTQA+ and feminism, this is all Aquarius mercury’s influence.

And she gets away with it! Even in the conservative Korean society of circa 2000~2014. She has her Mercury in the 3rd decan which is ruled by Venus/Libra. Aquarius mercury under this influence tends to know what is too much and what is enough, they’re already observant people but with this Venus in their arsenal, they can charm and appeal to others around them and distract them from their blunt words very quickly.

This also talks about her voice, since Venus in Libra is smoothing everything out and makes it harmonious. Since she’s a singer, this placement really helps her with the ballad (its her hard work in Taurus Moon too! They’re both Venus-ruled) her smooth, soothing and emotional tone might’ve came from this influence in her life. 

There’s always something harmonious about Venus-ruled signs, and in Aquarius Mercury there’s a stronger need for consistency and aesthetics. But never in the typical sense.

Catering herself on discovering her own style and establishing a good solid foundation is important to her,  as soon as she does this (i.e. relationship wise, business networking) she’s allowed to show off her individual charm and aesthetic more and be appreciated for it. 

Having more than 10 years of the industry under her belt and numerous commercials/endorsement deals really helps her in showing more of her different shades of her life in her career now. 

Although numerous news and controversies surrounds her hurts her Pisces and affects it really badly, her Moon and Mercury are both lethal weapons she could use if she uses it for herself and not against society (Aquarian’s Uranus would not like that very much) 

As a solo artist, the opportunity that it presents her with is something her sun might feel reluctant about but her Moon and Mercury are so gung-ho to do it. She has all the assets she needs to really give more and show more of herself, as well as share her evolution with others. 

Pisces Venus

Aaah a soft and sleepy leader!

More than anything, the Pisces likes to sleep. Especially with a moon sign in Cancer, there’s a way to escape from reality and go into the subconscious (Neptune) that just appeals to them.

This is also like their love life. Pisces Venus tends to be very romantic and sentimental, however they’re hesitant to step into any relationship. 

If unhealthy they can tend to idealize their perfect romance and try to find someone who fits the bill, they’re not one to say yes easily and are often disappointed when their disillusioned version of another turns sour.

They can be extremely compassionate and patient, willing to give and give and not take back. If the other person doesn’t have a healthy placement to balance the Pisces Venus out, it can be very hard on the Pisces Venus to let go and they may be stuck in toxic relationships for a long time.

Since Pisces rules the 12th house, the house of dreams and subconscious- there’s a need to keep their romance and private life secretive. Sometimes benefiting from idols having to roam behind the scenes hiding from fan is something Pisces Venus are adept at, but it’s not necessarily a good thing from them at all.

They’re so dreamy and soft-hearted they can be easily taken advantage of if they’re not careful. There’s an elusive charm to Pisces Venus, where you feel like they flirt very fleetingly and leave as if nothing has happened. 

There’s also a very intuitive-instinct in Pisces Venus, often time they’ll ‘vibe’ the other person and situation instead of directly confronting or discussing the situation/relationship. This can often times disappoint them and others since it lacks solid foundation or base. They’re irresistible and can charm others into following them even if they’ve hurt them before. 

They appreciate the traditional style of romance, writing out songs for their lovers or being read poetry to. There’s a classical kind of romance to them that just makes them feel like they’re in a movie. The more dreamy it is, the more they’ll like it. 

Pisces Venus has a lot to give, but it’s not directed just at one individual. It’s a need to give back to mankind. Their love can become so compassionate it turns into self-suffering. But they seem to romanticize this notion sometimes which can be unhealthy for them. Since it would lead to martyrdom or unnecessary sacrifices they make for others. 

Often times, Pisces Venus isn’t interested in material values the other person brings, their material statues, their popularity or the like is nothing compared to how romantic or sentimental they can be. When they love, they love unconditionally, but this is also for others as well. 

People who end up with Pisces Venus has to realize the distinction that their unconditional love can extent to more than just romantic partners, those who wants to control or keep them bounded (possessive/obsessive signs) wouldn’t be able to stand this.

They’re attracted to people who can take what they have to give and appreciate them for these qualities. But this doesn’t mean it’s necessarily healthy. 

Since Pisces does rule the 12th house, sometimes Pisces Venus can exhibit strong Venus-Pluto aspect. They have to watch out because these kind of relationship and aspects can be toxic and difficult. 

There’s an intoxication to unequal relationship, strong dynamic of push and pull that lends more towards one side than the other, as well as people who might be more ‘broken’ than them so that they can give, nurture and support them. 

They have to be careful not to twist themselves into unhealthy habit, which can be hard to do. Often times they tend to end up with people who might not be as good for them as they should be.   

In her career, her Pisces Venus makes her value the softer, more subdued concepts or style. Pisces is extremely creative and channeling this into her work can really bring dreams into reality. 

Especially with the creative direction Taeyeon is taking, it will fuel both her Venus and her Sun into having an outlet for her self-expression. 

Taurus Mars

Taurus Mars are sure-footed, determined and persistent. She knows the path to success in her career is dedicated into hard work and practice, it won’t be easy but she’ll get there. 

I think Taeyeon in her career now is really a proof of such a Taurus Mars person. Starting from her SNSD rookie days, she was a great leader because she is steadfast and able to provide stability for the team to rely on. 

She’s unflinching to daunting tasks and in the face of danger she keeps her cool, it’s not that she’s unaffected, but with her Pisces placements her Taurus Mars really provides a stable work-ground and foundation for her to really step it up and develop it first before she gets to work on any of her signs.

Taeyeon really just hard-carries everything, it’s also probably part of the reason why SNSD lasts for so long. Although they’re slower to move than others, Taurean Mars are really built for establishing stability in a team. 

They’re loyal, understanding and practical. They’re also much more nurturing than any of the earth signs counterparts. This is such a good placement for a leader. 

Although they’re generally pretty easy-going and able to let things slide, once Taureans are angered to the point where they can’t repress it anymore- it’s explosive and powerful. Definitely a force to be reckoned with.

Earlier in her career Taeyeon was probably a lot more lenient to let things go than actually confront and work through problems with the members/company, however it is extremely unhealthy. This placement probably lets her know that she couldn’t do that anymore. The success of her team depends on her being able to regulate and express her emotions more frequently, thus by developing her Taurus Mars- she activates her Aries Moon as well.

This means that with tiny details and things that provokes her emotionally, she had learnt to let it show and get it over quickly. 

Aries are much more forgiving than a Taurus is, therefore when things really get to her- she’ll know how to control her Taurus Mars better and deal with it calmly instead of the bottled explosion she might’ve been prone to. 

Taurus Mars also points to her collecting stuff, possibly to support her Sun. There’s a need for material possession in Taurus, and thus there has to be a place to put it. Taeyeon being a homebody really shouldn’t come as a surprise nowadays considering she needs a home (Cancer) and stuff around her (Taurus) to feel comfortable.

Although they’re sensual position and has a charm about them that’s powerful and charismatic (Venus-ruled) they might be slower to arouse than others. 

Earth signs in Mars placement tends to seek material or physical comfort, in Taeyeon’s case it’s probably both. 

Physical affection from people close to her makes her feel comforted, but at the same touch don’t touch her when she’s angry.

Her Taurus Mars is ruled by Saturn/Capricorn, this really brings to a point how much her career really matters to her. It’s also probably part of the reason she became an idol in the first place, even though she had said she wouldn’t want her daughter to suffer the same fate that she went through in the industry.

Back in the days where Korea’s economy was trying to build itself up, it was almost impossible for students and artistic people to find a hobby in music/art. They don’t have time with their cram school, the increase in violence on the street and economic repercussion. In a way, it’s still affecting today’s society as well. Finding a stable job where you’re not temp or having that salary where you won’t be let go is hard. Joining an entertainment agency increases the opportunity for music/artistic jobs in the future, as well as a semi-stable career goals. 

Taeyeon joining SM entertainment is her Taurus Mars planning ahead for the future, practicality and hard work put into her craft to ensure the success of her career and the team’s stability.  

Taurus Mars are known to typically have pretty well-defined long-term goals and the certainty to achieve them. They’re determined and persistent, and after so many years being trainees and rookies, she was already predestined to make it big by her Taurus Mars trait (same as IU). 

Taurus Mars have to be careful with how stubborn they can be, it might serve her well within the company where if things need to get done she’ll have the driving force and persistency to nag them until they do. 

However with the people around her it can be infuriating due to how immovable they are. Since her Taurus is so domestic-loving and it’s harmonious with her sun, chances are she won’t be motivated to go anywhere if she’s already comfortable in her home.

Again, like earlier it’s probably better for her to try to do things or activities outside her house. It’ll help her regulate her Pisces more, and despite how comfortable her home and possessions are, the biggest lesson in these static stubborn signs is to let go and let transformation take over sometimes. Don’t be resistance to change even if it scares them sometimes, it’ll work out for the better of their psyche in the end. 

Conclusion:

There’s not much to say besides note how introverted she is. Such a homebody in terms of her possessions and domestic attachment.

She has really strong sun-venus aspect as well as sun-pluto aspect that are both positive, this amplifies her charm even more. Her charming nature really makes her popular with people around her and she’s so irresistible. 

At the same time, sun-pluto people are magnetic but tend to attract alot of haters who feels threatened by them because of their energy (chaotic energy/disharmonious). 

Her moon has alot of difficult aspects towards the outer planet, but having those aspects at all means there’s SOME kind of aura about her that’s magnetizing. In a way, she can be a person who wants to help others because she suffers alot on her own as well.

Having one’s emotions (moon) be in squares and oppositions to other planets really shows how conflicted she is, although her moon is appearing healthily on broadcast, she might suffer a lot more about it behind the scenes. Most probably she has a hard time not letting her anger explode and ruining long term plans, getting in her friendship or taking control of her life- which only just leads her to isolate herself even more. She has to learn how to confront these things healthily, and it’ll help bring better traits in her sun/moon both. 

Her Mercury is in a square with Jupiter, which might explain more reasons why the public might not view her in a favorable light sometimes. Sure, her words has sways and she reaches certain demographics, but it can also be aggravating or rubs other people the wrong way too. 

She has very healthy and positive Venus aspects (thank god) as well as Mars. She has a Mars-trine-Lilith, which brings to even more of a point that when she really utilize her chart well, she’ll have such endless possibilities waiting for her.

💕That’s a wrap for a brief overview of Taeyeon and her chart! She has such amazing aspects working for her, possibly one of the most charming ones out there that it’s impossible not to love her at some point. I’ve been thinking of doing Hyoyeon’s overview sometimes in the future but I don’t know yet! I’m working on a few things right now and I’m taking a flight tomorrow so I’ll have plenty of time to work on it in the meantime! 💕