#well the episode might have been creepy but i wanted to see them tonight so i enjoyed it

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s3 episode 6 thoughts

it’s been an exhausting day. work was awful. i was brave and didn’t cry whilst there. and for that, i deserve this episode even more than usual. 

oooooh it’s an internet episode!!!! an episode about an internet killer!!! that probably felt new and scary back then!!! i’m excited to see something i assume as naturally dangerous as hitchhiking to be seen as scary and new. let us jump in, and enjoy the adventures of our agents, and numb ourselves to the hardship of the outside world.

these two people are in a car. he is smooth talking her. oh… they only waited three months to meet in person after talking online. hmm… is that speedy or not? i guess that depends on who you ask. for me, i’m gonna say speedy. because they didn’t even see each other’s faces before this.

he has mysterious scars on his neck. yeah, i noticed that very conspicuous camera panning. the music is very ominous. and now they’re kissing. 

OH??? THERE IS A STICKY FLUID. IN HER MOUTH. an unusual one. not whatever you were thinking. what the hell… was that man some kind of insect????? there was real goop in there, man. eughhh it was very gross. 

cop is approaching the car next day. and she is like. jelly? as in, covered in gel. the gelatin monster has struck and apparently he’s surfing the net. 

(trust when i say i’m not a gelatin monster. or don’t trust. perhaps skepticism is better)

okay, investigation time. this guy shakes hands with mulder and entirely ignores scully. tells me a lot about his character very quickly. mulder has also got some more conventional looking shades this time around. perhaps his other ones were just not keeping the sun out like he had hoped for.

body reveal! so it seems that the goop has um. melted her skin? EUGH. mulder swabs the goop. it’s just a prop, i tell myself to avoid gagging. a prop with excellent construction that was very carefully crafted. shoutout prop team as always. 

detective looks real freaked out by the goop. yeah he’s not special in that regard.

mulder says he has heard of similar killings from women placing ads in the paper! i don’t want them to separate though, as he announce he’s going on an investigation while she does an autopsy. c’mon, can’t we do some teamwork in the same room?

scully looks disgusted at the bloody goop in her hand. this is appearing to be a universal sentiment.

the goop man is at the computer typing to another woman. and smiling mischievously. we learn, from a woman dropping a key off at his door, that his name is mr. incanto, and she thinks that since he types and gets a lot of packages, he must be a writer or an editor. and she wants him to read her poems. wow. leaping to conclusions here. i admire it. it’s clear she’s flirting with him, and the idea of a person you’re attracted to reading your poems is a wild one for me to entertain. personally i would rather explode crazy style.

scully is scrubbed up <3 and she is so cute <3 i don’t mean this in a condescending way… she just looks cute in a fully “i respect her capabilities” kind of way. don’t worry. but this man is not respecting her and is shocked she’s a doctor. rude as hell… could never be me.

he says he’s old fashioned. umm okay if you want to be all manly about it how about you cut up the goop body yourself… oh that’s right you can’t. because you don’t have the skill set. or even any skill sets, as far as i can tell.

he says this is effecting her judgement because the victim is a woman and he isn’t being sexist. IF YOU DON’T SHUT YOUR MOUTH MAN…. she is so patient even when she ought to rip his heart from his chest with her teeth

she’s making a face when he leaves like she really IS thinking about doing some heart ripping and then she gets into the recording mode. and the body has increased in goopiness. in fact. there is only a skeleton now and a LOT of liquid. oh… 

mulder is asking about the murder victim, and he’s sitting on a very 90’s printed couch, and yeah he looks good. don’t worry about it. he’s asking the victim’s roommate what chat room they met in. now personally, if i was talking to people on a chat room, i would not be telling my roommate the names of said chat rooms, but maybe it was different vibe wise at that time. imagine if my roommate knew i ran a blog like this. i couldn’t picture such a thing. and the victim would READ her roommate the letters???!? OH I CANNOT IMAGINE SUCH A THING!!!!

he uses the roommate’s house phone to call scully, who is dealing with a very wet skeleton. but that’s so funny to me. he wanted to use someone else’s phone to call her. maybe his phone still hadn’t been replaced since that kid melted it in episode 3.

he’s putting out a localized online warning… is that a thing? wow. you learn so much on this television program.

“in life, bones have the tensile strength of forged iron”, says scully. and i’m giggling. n kicking my feet.

ohhh the bone is SQUISHY. it is not supposed to be this way. but it did look quite satisfying. again, props team, shoutout.

oh tea… the body fat wasn’t there!!! it disappeared. scully is like, why would he do that, steal a victim’s fat. and i would love to know the same thing. 

another woman is preparing to meet with the goop monster. oh, but someone is telling her there was a warning SPECIFICALLY for woman in cleveland to not go meet people online! but she’s like nooo i’m a good judge of character. LIES LIES LIES. she’s only been talking to him for a MONTH???? HOW CAN YOU JUDGE A CHARACTER IN A MONTH?

the killer’s at a fancy restaurant looking place with a bouquet of flowers and he’s checking his watch. oh and he dumps the flowers!!! queen of self preservation saved herself tonight by standing him up??? yes, it appears this is the case!! 

now there are a bunch of ladies on the side of the road. i have only seen this happen in this show and never in real life, but maybe i'm not looking in the right direction. NO! he sees a woman and smiles. they go to a back alley… no!! but she won’t kiss him. okay, i think, she has a chance. alas. i was wrong. so he attacks. OH AND HE IS SLURPING ON HER BODY???? another woman finds her goop-ified. 

they’re at the scene and the detective is being awful (shocker!) but mulder hands over some of the letters from the killer, and notes that they contain letters from 16th century italian poems. which tells me he is familiar with 16th century italian poems. ohhhhhhhhhh. blushing a lil. 

focus. so the fellow would have access to niche italian poems, is what we are learning here. likely a college professor, or a grad student, or something along those lines.

the killer should also have a wound pattern, they note, because the woman scratched him very well.

and BLEGHHHH, cut to his place, where he’s cutting his wound??? like straight up trimming it like it’s fabric or something. nasty nasty nasty nasty!!!

someone is bringing him a package. and the woman who asked to show him her poems asks him to dinner?!?!?! but he says he’s busy. the teenage daughter reads him for filth. he’s creepy and smells weird. delivered by a girl who meant every word she said.

scully is posing impeccably, looking as someone types on a computer. it was formidable.

mulder comes by with some results and he sort of. scoops her out of the room. 😳

theory time in the hallway! hallway theory time!! always one of my favorite times. “okay, it’s not yet the finely detailed insanity that you’ve come to expect from me” <- at least he’s self aware 

FAT SUCKING VAMPIRE LET’S GOOOO. such a preposterous creature. i have to admire it.

there are examples of this in nature, right? “i don’t know too many scorpions who surf the internet” scully, you just offended the coolest scorpion alive somewhere out there. but they couldn’t hear you so it’s okay. just don’t ever say that again…

scully wants to brief the people involved in the case and the detective is again being weird. mulder recognizes this. i can see it.

okay, so the killer has some more niche italian poetry. and an email from the woman who saved herself by not showing up! nooo, i thought she had escaped!

knock at the door. it’s scully. but not at the door of the right guy!! the detective is at the door of the right guy!!! 

mulder makes some remark about not being a good salesman because no one answered the door. and yeah i giggled. but she cuts him off with the fact the detective hasn’t answered his calls or returned… has he been gooped?!

now the killer is out with the woman who previously saved herself. and she sees his skin. and she offers to drive him home!!! noooo ellen :( don’t fall for his tricks and lies

the poetry woman is at his door. she puts a HUGE thing of poems under his door. 

but back in the car he is about to smooch ellen. somehow poetry lady let herself into his room??? and a bunch of flies are around. 

(we later learn she was the housekeeper or landlord or something so yeah. she would have access to the keys. but at the time i was baffled)

goop monster and ellen don’t smooch because he sees the poem lady is in his room!!! and the detective is in the tub!!! and he walks in right as she sees this!!! oh no. violence ensues…

her daughter comes to the door. and asks where her mom is. and he GRABS her weird as hell. and says he’s leaving.

mulder is sitting on a table again because he’s weird. but the girl calls the police!!! and they found her mom’s body and the detective's. the little girl asks scully why someone would do this and she says she doesn’t know… STOP I’LL SOB

okay, this dude’s name is virgil and there are no records of him existing. virgil. damn. maybe he’s FROM 16th century italy, because that’s a 16th century sounding name. are there any italian legends of fat sucking vampires? can’t say i’m very familiar with their lore 

they’re trying to get into his computer and all the files were deleted. ohhh they have floppy disks!!! i love floppy disks 💾

the killer went to ellen’s place?!!?!? and she locks the door. ellen please pull out a glock at this time. 

scully sent out a warning to everyone in proximity. and three of them were already missing!!!! that is evil :(

and ellen got the email but he’s in the room. and he starts attacking… oh lord, just as the agents roll up. 

they get in formation and then kick down her door and WHEW they way they work as a team… i’m eating it up. sweeping the rooms. guns cocked. 

ellen is under some sheets and coated in goop whilst mulder does parkour to go and find this guy. GO GO MULDER RUN RUN!!! his voice is all growly while he holds a shadowy figure at gunpoint, but he only runs into a teenager. no! poor kid :(

NOOO… THE KILLER WAS HIDING IN THE BATHROOM AND SCULLY WAS GOING IN THERE TO GET SOME STUFF TO TAKE CARE OF ELLEN!! he smashed her head in the mirror and he starts to goop her until ellen does in fact roll up with a glock. and shoots him in the chest. YES ELLEN I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU <3

so they have him in custody now and his skin is suuuuuuper dry and peeling and nasty. and scully asks what the hell he was doing and he goes on about stuff blah blah blah and then he quotes some italian and she gets freaked and dips. and we end with a hannibal-esque shot of his evil peeling nasty face. and some contemplative music.

so. that was gross.

grossness established. i once again kind of enjoyed this episode. like was i gagging, and not in the good way? yeah i was. but again with the suspense. i think the plot could be absolutely ridiculous- like an actual fat vampire- and if the plot and pacing are the right tempo, i’ll find myself fully absorbed into it. 

but i can’t help but feel that i’m missing something. the italian seemed too purposeful. is there some medieval tale of a fat vampire? i’m being so serious btw like actually. is that a reference that flew over my head? is it in dante’s inferno or something? i love history but middle ages europe always puts me to sleep so i can’t say i’m familiar with the literature or tropes beyond what i learned in art history class. where we never covered ANY sort of vampire. just a lot of baby jesus and also mary and sometimes adult jesus. 

hmm. so i’m wondering here what that was about. and yeah, i could google it. but again, more fun when you tell me things.

i mean, if it was something they just made up for fun, i get that too. like earlier we had that evil mermaid baby that lived in the waterways. and we had that evil twin that looked like the fiji mermaid. and eugene tooms the lizard man. the seriousness with which the situation is played enhances the campy angle when you ponder it.

overall, it was interesting to see a world where the internet was new and fresh and scary. now it’s scary in mostly familiar ways. but it was not always this way! and while i am a little confused on the concept of the episode itself- who exactly our monster of the week was, if he even WAS a monster of traditional sort of means- i won’t lie, the episode had me invested. there were also moral questions raised about how someone could do something so evil, specifically in relation to scully’s character, which probably speaks to her biggest fear being that anyone could pose a threat, which i think i’ll contemplate at another time, because it is fascinating, especially when you consider… i think it’s s2 episode 13? where the narrative also really dives into this question. how can people do evil things, and how can good people cope with knowing that it’s impossible to know who is capable of doing terrible things?

after a hard day at work in which a million things went sideways, it does feel nice to watch my pals mulder and scully do some sleuthing, no matter the situation in which they find themselves.

the goopsterrrrrrrr

[drawnaghht]

Chizu x Kitsune and why it's gay

lol i don't have a lot of energy to post but wanted to make a short fandom post anyway? I'll just briefly talk about the more memorable and emotionally important moments between these two :3

Spoilers for the entire series, but if you didn't notice stuff, might be good reminds on several things! This isn't really like a full analysis and it's not a full summary either. I just like this ship and although it seems unanimous that this is seen as a sapphic ship, I also think it's a bit underappreciated? Or perhaps it's just the show itself that needs more regard? I'm not here to defend the show or ship, just to detangle my thoughts on how their scenes together look like to my mind as a storyteller but also what the possible crew intentions could have been. This became kinda long.

So in the series, we as viewers see a lot of moments between Chizu and Kitsune that are about honesty. Or they just talk to each other and create meaningful connections with each other through these interactions. Even with smaller stuff, there's moments in each ep where they either look at each other, or to each other.

in ep 3, "Posessions" we see Usagi asking Kitsune had stolen things and Kitsune denying this about her. Then in a following scene, when she finds Chizu and asks her where she learned to fight if she just works at the temple, she admonishes Chizu for making up a bad lie for that. "You don't have to tell me the truth. But don't tell me a lie." This sounds like a very earnest moment. Like i don't have the brainspace to analyze it more right now but basically, "oh wow, there's something interesting there."

As an episode closing scene, we see Chizu exit the Murakami house/museum to go to a dark alleyway. There she meets the leader of the Neko Ninja crew (only mentioned in the 1st ep), Lady Fuwa. I love this scene for how creepy and scary it makes Fuwa ar first with her mask, but then sort of silly and laughable with her huge pom-pom head. I'm not sure if I'm reading it right, but it seems the intention was to make a dangerous but laughable villain/antagonist, almost like a Bond villain who looks ridiculous but could still kill you. Like it's obvious from this interaction that Fuwa only thinks about herself and her own goals and thinks in shallow goals (taking over Neo Edo via "controlling" the Ki-stone). Her ideas look silly from some distant point, but she still commands respect and fear with voice and demeanor.

There's the friendship candy moment/scene in ep 4, "Run Rabbit Run" and then Chizu's flashback of her trauma being raised in the Neko Ninja crew and losing her friend Kayo. Her friend gave her this same friendship candy to cheer her up, "Things will get better Chizu". I'll leave the Chizu PTSD analysis for another time bc I feel like I could probably do with reading up on the comic to also see what the inspiration for this all could have been (+ I'm just not up to write that much tonight). The point of the scene overall is to establish a stronger connection between the two main characters as well as show us the viewer a more fleshed-out reason for Chizu's background as a Neko Ninja. Someone who's high-ranking enough to go on a stealth mission into the temple housing the Ki-Stone which provides the entirety of Neo Edo its power. But also someone who really does not enjoy being a ninja or being dishonest. Someone who's a little unsure and incredibly lonely among her ninja kin.

The flashback is a reminder for Chizu that friendship is a luxury. I also feel we're meant to take it from here that both of them value friendships in similar but different ways. Or that friendship is something lacking for both but they see it slightly differently. Neither has had many friends before, or any at all (we find out later that Kitsune only had a "ghost friend" and presumably her puppets) but they express valuing their team members in different ways. Kitsune gives friendship candy to everyone, even Spot, while Chizu just tags along in the service of her own motives/plot while pretending she's too aloof and doesn't care enough to do anything more than fight yokai. But here when Kitsune says "aren't you gonna eat that" after Chizu leaves her startled PTSD flashback she just says, "Maybe one day" with a smile. So here we see a setup by the writers that this friendship candy is important for Chizu and that she wants to continue being a real friend of Kitsune, or at the least, have any real friends at all.

Chizu goes back to the dojo to exchange info and receive more instructions from Lady Fuwa. We have a small scene where after this, she shares a moment with a random Neko Ninja kid training in the dojo in the background. She takes her mask off, tired from the training and is immediately admonished by Lady Fuwa. This kid slightly resembles Kayo, Chizu's childhood friend. Same outfit, different cat fur pattern but similar colorscheme. A kindred spirit. (I actually have a little theory about this, but that's for later, maybe a short fanfic). We can see that unlike the other adults at the dojo, Chizu still has some compassion left despite her training.

We have a moment in "Run Rabbit Run" where it's subtly established that although we haven't seen much threat or action from the ninja, they're considered "bad actors" in the city. So much so that every other gang in the city is afraid of just Chizu on her own (without her friends knowing she's apart of this crew). To us the viewers they are a little unknown but it's implied that the entirety of the city fears them.

Then there's the big reveal scene at the end of ep 5, "Common Sensei"

Chizu's betrayal, the surprise from all her new friends, and a genuine expression of disbelief from Kitsune (the "no...")

And then at the start of the next episode, "Nobody Likes a Ninja" the focus is immediately on Kitsune, on the other end of Chizu pointing a hand-crossbow at her.

And you can see the hurt in Kitsune's eyes.

So here as viewers we can make the basic connection that this betrayal hurt more than anything else that night. And the entire one half a plot of the episode we spend with the two of them as Chizu tries to apologize or make up to Kitsune somehow.

The rest of the season is spent focusing on other characters and relationships and setting up season 2. A really important part of this is the rescue of Hana, one of the only kids who Chizu saw training in the Neko Ninja dojo who didn't really take to all the fighting and training to be spies and assassins. Hana essentially becomes like a little sister to both Chizu and Usagi through the handful of episodes she's in and is taken under the wing of Usagi's auntie, sent to safety at her farm away from the city.

Then in s2 we see how much time the crew spends together after the "world has been saved" from the big butterfly hand in the sky. We see Chizu and Kitsune acting like longer-time friends already as well as Kitsune raising a "little sister" now - Kiyoko. Basically the rest of the team finds confusing and weird at first but gets used to Kiyoko quickly. Chizu mainly expresses worry but goes along with this as slowly this "little sister" (to avoid too many spoilers) is treated more and more like the other smaller kids in their home. By season 2, Usagi and the other characters see Gen and Toshiko's house as a home and treat each other as basically family. Mostly they're all still close friends, but to Kitsune especially, this has now become family. While Chizu had an abusive childhood living and training under the Neko Ninja crew, Kitsune is portrayed as having been homeless and a street performer. So to her, having new friends she can not only trust her life with but also just spend nice peaceful times with, is mega-important. So in "The Fuzzy Pony" (s2, ep 3) we have the kids playing and Chizu and Kitsune talking about it, the latter commenting, "We have a nice little family going here."

In this same episode, while playing with Kiyoko, Usagi realizes that him and her share a birthday (bc of the happenings in the series' first ep) and how they could celebrate those together ("Joint birthday parties!!") Kitsune responds with how Kiyoko would like that and how she wants to give Kiyoko everything she never had, including birthdays. Gen and Usagi are surprised about this but Kitsune is completely non-chalant about it. ("Nah, I dunno when I was born. No birthday, no party, no biggie.") This sends Gen and Usagi on a big side-plot to organize a surprise birthday party for Kitsune.

After seeing Hana play with the other "kids" of the household, Chizu thinks about the rest of the Neko Ninja children and decides to save them as well, alone this time (Usagi was along the first time). Kitsune secretly comes along to this to support her (and also to see Chizu fight, to see some action in general). There's a really fun scene between them which I can't really summarize perfectly enough, you'd have to see it yourself. But the point is, Kitsune willingly came along on her own. "Hey. I'm an orphan and orphans help orphans. I'm not asking for your permission." And there's an understanding between them that they're going to do this together. and oh man it's so sweet, I wish someone posted this scene up on youtube cuz it's just so ougghghghhh it's so sweet!!!! aaa!!

When before in "Run Rabbit Run", Kitsune was more careful with fighting crowds of regular citizens or gang members with an impulsive and untrained Usagi, here with Chizu she feels confident and is also willing to tag along, even if the potential enemies are trained ninja. To cut the summary shorter. the kids don't believe them and think it's a loyalty-test from Fuwa.

In this episode, as a last-ditch effort to save the ninja kids, Chizu challenges Fuwa to a death match duel, for the leadership of the crew. Although Kitsune is threatened and captured here, to make her watch the match, she frees herself and gleefully cheers Chizu on, demanding a complete smackdown for Fuwa. I thought this was cute. Kitsune is so violent about this duel as an "audience member" but even before during Truly Chizu would be like the 85 % of Kitsune's impulse control (this is an old meme, look it up). Chizu wins in the end and Kitsune is elated, like in a "great, lets go home, we have so much to tell the others" kind of way, but Chizu stops her. Now that she's won and become Lady Chizu, she has to stay with the Neko Ninja crew. And Kitsune is devastated, what do you mean you won but can't come home??

"But that.... that would break up our family- I mean, our team" and ouuuhhhhh, this was heartbreaking to watch. I really love this ep for the character moments between these two, ouhghhh /sob

They say their goodbyes and hug. The quiet "come home when you can" is so bittersweet it made me want to cry. She goes to the birthday party, with a note saying she's supposed to meet her friends there, still pent up. Not so much from the dojo fight, but from fact that she's not going to see Chizu anymore. So much so that she attacks the birthday balloons almost cuts the surprise party guests with her fans. It's shown as really sad. Like you can see from Toshiko, Usagi and the staff member's faces that they weren't expecting this kind of reaction from this birthday girl.

But guess what? Chizu showed up at the party as "Ohayou Pony" as a surprise party gift for Kitsune's new birthday party! this was another sillier but also nice moment because you get to see the characters really happy despite the circumstances.

So after this episode, I definitely felt, "there's no way these two aren't at least girlfriends" and also, it genuinely felt like the status quo of the show was going to legitimately change. in the following episodes we actually do see Chizu a bit less, unless it's a life-threatening situation or we see her more with the Neko Ninja.

There are some smaller moments inbetween eps which you can see yourself if you watch the series cuz this psot is long enough already ^^; For example, in ep 15, Kitsune goes to tell Chizu of the whole invaders situations to get the ninja crew on their side and I find the way they look at each other or how Chizu huffs a laugh at Kitsune trying to lighten the mood really sweet if tiny moments altogether.

in ep 17 "Willow Branch" they get to use their new kaikishi weapons more and fight against ghosts. Chizu mis-calculates and accidentally almost takes a shot at Kitsune. For "levity" it only hits her eyelash, but Chizu is worried and embarrased all the same.

then in s2, ep 8 "The Chizu Stands Alone", where the ninja crew basically turns on Chizu, there's another interesting moment where there is one last ninja ("Fumiko") who is left with Chizu against all the turncoats, but then leaves (another thing to leave to my theory posts), only to return with an ally in turn. Kitsune with the newly-built mech that Tetsujin built. How did this ninja know to get Kitsune specifically? Yeah, okay, she is the only one who can pilot it, but still! This was nice too because we're shown how the two of them are walking home via the mech and talking about what happened. How Chizu felt like maybe she was making a difference but now feels like she didn't change anything about the ninja crew at all, but Kitsune reminds her that the kids are safe and that's actually a big thing. It's still about the orphans with these two and the ninja crew storyline.

There's also a nice moment in the finale ("Invasion!") where Chizu goes to help Kitsune out of her mech after it's damaged in the big fight. The rest of the scenes with them together are mostly focused on their little family team of 5 afterwards.

So yeah, just a little view at some of the moments I remember in the series that cemented the relationship as a pairing for me! You can comment and reblog with tags or comments if you noticed anything else as well :] A lot of these moments are really sold by some of the solid writing and the excellent acting by Shelby Rabara and Mallory Low as Kitsune and Chizu respectively.

Also, this is just something I saw on twitter, but one of the main writers, Jeffrey Reddick (who also wrote the series finale) also quote-retweetd some of the promo tweets about Usagi Chronicles. He has mainly been a horror writer so far, but the important thing for me that I noticed on his profile, is that Reddick is openly gay. Although there are probably always going to be queer members in cartoon crews, we don't ever actually know that for sure usually and speculating on stranger's identities is pointless beacause well, it's just a fun cartoon, I can sense queer vibes from it whether the crew themselves are queer or not. But I also feel like some of them being seen as openly queer makes it easier to see that some parts of a show could be intentionally written with queerness in mind.

So I do believe the slightly 90s style* queer-coding was no accident :D

*(or whatever we wanna call it - it feels a little older - "show don't tell")

Overall, this ship just feels really sapphic in an old pre-Steven Universe kind of way... like I would have totally un-knowingly shipped this as a kid before really knowing anything about myself or others or even words to use about it. Basically, they are a pair. do not separate. And I think it's sweet that it exists at all, bc it really is subtle. I know in online fandoms it can feel like we don't need this kind of storytelling since we have more openly queer cartoons too, but I think for the sake of even just variety alone, it's good to have this kind of lightly queercoded story-telling wrapped inside an action cartoon too next to everything else in the mix of both cartoon and general other media we have today. I also find that this way it is easier for future queer kids to realize this about their old favourite cartoon Usagi Chronicles that it was queer. .... In a kind of roundabout way? I'm thinking about situations where more openly queer cartoons like Steven Universe or Owl House would be banned in more conservative households. I knew a little cousin for example whose parents were very particular about the cartoons they let their kids watch and so more "high-energy" cartoons like cartoon network stuff was banned entirely. So I don't know if this would actually happen in real life, but this is just one scenario i'm thinking of.

Of course you can still interpret it as *only* friends too I suppose but you can't deny that they're important to each other in more ways. Like if this was a straight ship, we would be getting ship manifestos left and right. Or maybe fanfic. They'd be called the mom and dad of the family, etc. and although that's a simple way to put it, that also shows feels like proof of intention. The soundtrack also becomes beautiful and on-point whenever there are important scenes with them together, which just adds to the "it's queer" picture.

I'm sure I'll find a better way to write about this but right now I just wanted to list everything I remembered off the top of my head. They have so many of these sweet and everyday moments as well as heavier or more serious and plot-driven moments, it's so nice to see. Usagi Chronicles in general is a very character driven show and these two are the strongest characters in the cast. I only wish we had gotten more moments or flashbacks even with Kitsune, but I suppose she is the kind of character who wouldn't even need flashbacks. But that means she just stays mysterious until we find out more info about her (again, I know she's based on the ideas we have from the character Kitsune in the Usagi Yojimbo comic, but still. At least to me, she feels like a flesjed-out character in the cartoon show, so it would have been cool to see more of her and some other characters like Gen too. On the other side, looking at these episode summaries here, it does feel like the cast balances each other out nicely.

Anyway, leave me a comment if u liked this! Maybe I will do other analysis abt other parts of the series later when I feel like it :) I've been a bit sick the past two weeks so I haven't been in the mood to draw but I will probably still have a bit of energy to write some simpler things so who knows, might write on other Usagi Chronicles topics!

Happy Friend Day and Happy Valentines!

[reynie-muldoons]

“A Joyful Lens” liveblog!

I know I’ve been kind of delayed on these but I want to watch the finale as soon as I can, so this liveblog is happening tonight LMAO.

RIP bingo for this one, I did not have time, and I don't have time for the finale either. I've been really busy, and work has me working weird hours, so I'm really sorry about that.

As always, spoilers under the cut!

0:58 it’s really fucking creepy how he sicced a kid on number two. Creepy ass child

1:21 just let him drink it dude

1:46 welp there she goes

2:09 well there goes that plan

2:22 “I could not poison my own brother” my guy it’s not poison

2:34 what the

3:03 I love that they have a code between each other LOL

3:10 “it’s our own system we made up to classify bug and animal threats to the farm and dictate our response” LMAO THOSE CUTE ASS NERDS

3:29 “I’ve stared down the barrel of Curtain’s brainsweeper. I’m fine staying put.” MY BABY GIRL KNOWING WHEN TO STEP ASIDE

3:35 “run silent, run deep.” REFERENCE TO THE INSTITUTE BREAK-IN

3:52 “thirty seconds pretty much guarantees they’ll be too far away to see our movements.” LMAO i take back everything I said earlier but at least my girl’s funny as fuck 4:13 straight jackets? really?

4:32 he is stone fucking cold. That's the face of a kid who rightfully held a grudge

4:47 you’d think the happiness technique thing wouldn’t make Constance lose her contrarian nature, just make it have a pleasant flare. It goes to show how much it’s truly altering these people

4:55 “just pull it.” why does he know how a straight jacket works

5:03 she ripped that thing off like tearaway pants LMAO

5:14 “that’s not my way, you know that Sticky” I hate that he’s already trying to appeal to him

5:48 yikies

6:01 and now time for the lovely intro. I really do like the style, I don’t think I’ll ever get tired if the vibe

7:06 it makes me sad that she was so unhappy, but at the same time it’s upsetting that it’s being achieved through manipulation and hypnotism

7:11 it really does seem similar to a manic episode

7:28 “but when I think with my mind I just want to resist with all my might” smart. Please listen to yourself

7:42 “what if you just don’t think as much? What if everything’s just fine?” this sounds like a neurotypical person trying to tell someone to just not be anxious

7:53 wtf is happening

8:03 again wtf is happening. This is like two drunk people pretending they’re sober

8:05 oh lord it’s both of them now hahahah

8:21 okay the hard cut was really fucking funny

8:25 is the two of them screaming out a song going to be an important plot point for the gang reuniting hahahah

8:34 “...wolves?” LMAOOOO

8:40 what on earth

8:45 OOP

9:11 “blink once if they have this room bugged” yikes

9:18 “sir, you’re dressed in the faded rags of a hostage” tell me why that reminded me of gert’s “the tower” (gert if you’re reading this i love that fic and its additions so fucking much)

9:24 “I’m getting my own soon” if they’re anything less than a loud yellow im suing

9:26 “I requested yellow” girl you’ve been hypnotized for like 5 minutes when did you have the time to do that

9:36 what is wrong with this child

9:52 rip rhonda and milligan’s free will

9:59 “it’s like a… horse-camel.” does Kate not know what a llama is??

10:29 Constance looks like she jumped right out of Hansel and Gretel

10:58 “I know I tease you, Sticky, but the truth is that I enjoy your scientific facts.” I wonder how much truth there actually is to that

11:24 AWWWW. I know Constance would not do that when not under the influence but it’s so sweet

11:27 “...what’s wrong with her” she didn’t even hesitate

12:07 oh my gosh actually?? Smooth. And very smart to keep up the act so that they can meet up with the other two

12:30 “you two need to blend in” as if they aren’t already on curtain and his team’s hit list

12:38 ew is this like a PR thing

12:51 I really don’t like the phrase “reach into someone’s mind”. Very brainsweeper-adjacent of you

13:07 is this supposed to be a masterclass or some shit

13:29 “and soon all of you will be ready to share your gifts with the world” this is getting very Whisperer-takeover-adjacent of you

13:35 I’m sorry but Milligan you look ridiculous

13:36 I love how they somehow managed to make the four maintain some aspect of their personal styles in their hobo clothes. Reynie has a collar popped for fuck’s sake LOL

14:04 happiness centers?? This is the same but opposite of the books’ SAD cases and facilities

14:10 yikes, they’re operating them? Curtain must be fully convinced that he has control over their minds at this point. Scary

14:17 another one bites the dust

14:24 “I got it, they’re undercover.” Sticky I love you but do you think Mr Benedict is that good of an actor. Like Milligan and Rhonda I get, they are skilled as hell, but he would never be able to keep his cool around his brother like that

14:32 oh that made me so sad, I saw how ecstatic Miss Perumal looked

14:46 wait it happened that quickly? You get one neck pain and then 10 minutes later you’re fully catatonic?

15:05 of course the guy it happened to was conveniently on a wheelie chair

15:27 I really don’t like the implications of “worldwide happiness revolution”

15:37 Mr B looks incredibly concerned. Did he break out of it? Is it possible to break out of it? Is it possible to feel things other than happiness? I have so many questions

16:28 “they seem… very happy to be with you.” fake asf

16:44 ohh Reynie sweetheart

17:15 ohhhhh Kate

17:35 “there is no point to that emotion” dude’s fucked

17:42 “you guys are so convincing!” “thanks :D of what :D” incredible

18:01 “we love it here Sticky, and you will too.” fucking creepy

18:38 “it’s only natural to want others to be as miserable as you are” I mean there’s her usually biting tone but also huhhhh

18:58 Garrison team up part 2 electric boogaloo

19:09 LMAO SHE YOINKED THE NOTEBOOK

19:40 oop they weren’t in unison that time

19:52 cover’s blown

21:13 “a correlation. Which is not the same as a causation.” just say you’re in denial and go

21:40 “and next time, do not bring me a problem for which you have no solution” so what I’m hearing is that homeboy doesn’t want to held responsible

21:57 AWW REUNION TIME

22:02 I GET THAT THEYRE MENTALLY COMPROMISED BUT MY HEART IS SO HAPPY SEEING THEM HUG

22:37 why does she write her r’s like that

22:37 I mean I get that it's a font but still

22:46 “optics. You mean like shining a bright light in someone’s eye?” don’t tell me they’re about to strobe people into awareness

23:06 “I’ve successfully stolen several items recently.” Kate, my love, I’m so proud of you LMAO

24:02 I’m really enjoying this compilation, each person is contributing in ways that play to all of their skills so dang well

24:19 that’s right, now learn to appreciate your dad’s contributions

24:36 “50/50… maybe…. 40/60?” loving the confidence lol. What a weird ass solution

24:49 it is so deeply strange seeing them all frolicking

25:01 I find it hilarious that the hippy pants don’t have belt buckles so Kate had to make a sash for her bucket

25:22 good grief. I know I said it earlier but it’s like they’re drunk off their asses

25:24 so did Mr B just like… forget about what he saw or

25:35 “that… is an unexpected vision.” agreed

25:47 “where’s my dad? Let’s start with him.” she can pretend she’s not worried about him all she wants but I will simply not believe her

25:57 okay so he didn’t forget. But he’s still dancing. So does the hypnosis thing kind of interject happiness into everything else, like force it to the front no matter what? Is that why he’s so chill? I still don’t quite understand how this works logistically

26:03 “and I knew I should feel something but I couldnt, which terrified me” okay so that does kind of answer my question, from what Mr B’s saying it negates other feelings to the point of overriding them

26:22 Milligan my guy chew with your mouth closed

26:42 I know he’s compromised but I think he would’ve responded the same way if he wasn’t because he’s so soft for her

26:54 “you are an amazing person, Kate Wetherall.” “I have strong genes.” AOJSDLFKSJDLF

26:54 THEY ARE SO PRECIOUS

27:19 moment of truth

27:28 “...you deliberately misled me at the gates.” LMAO HE’S BACK AND HE’S BITTER

27:45 MY HEART CAN’T HANDLE THEM

27:57 “looks like you’ve gotten acclimated :D” creepy

28:34 RHONDA’S FACE HAHAHAH she’s like “I can’t believe this shit”

28:43 “Oh, can it wait? I’m vibing.” drunk queen energy lol

28:53 “trust me.” “and I do, with my life” LSKDFJLIDSFJ AWWWWW

29:07 they’re going to be a problem if they’re watching so closely

29:13 first of all, don’t J&J recognize them from school?? LOL. second, called it

29:58 why did they have to tackle him like that adfjlafj

30:06 “my shoulder! It’s dislocated!” “STAY WITH ME” “it’s just my shoulder but thank you!” these two hahahhaa

30:58 “she gets a vote now?” in this house I demand respect for Miss Perumal 😤

31:52 “us :)” awwwwww

32:18 so is he like trying to do it to himself or

32:21 he WAS damnit that’s sad

32:28 equal parts sad and creepy. This is a desperate man

32:47 LMAO HUH

33:08 so number two’s original plan is in action lol. He is in a literal body bag

33:47 LMAOOOOO they’re fucking zoomin

34:06 why do they call them the greys too? Like.. don't they have an actual name for them. Like, say. Recruiters

So I did this liveblog in a few parts, but as I’m typing this it’s Wednesday night. I’m about to watch the finale.

34:24 idk why I gasped bc I knew it was coming

~

Damn, this season really took a hard left LOL. I have 0 idea what to expect for the finale. See you guys there!

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E123 (Feb. 2, 2021)

After last week’s thoroughly relaxing and brief episode, tonight’s guests are Sam Riegel and Liam O’Brien!

Brian, to Sam: “You look like Tim Curry moved to Nantucket to become a sommelier.”

How did Caleb and Veth approach the ally-ship with the Tombtakers? Sam: “I mean, we got some information, and I think we got a little closer to Lucien and knowing whether he has any of Mollymauk inside of him, which is I think the most important knowledge that we’re seeking right now. Is there someone to be saved inside there? We got glimpses, and we got a little hint that Mollymauk is maybe still in there? Maybe? And we got a little more insight into their plans, so that was useful.” Liam: “We know why we were having that fucking dream.” Sam: “But other than that, it was just a road trip with assholes.” Liam: “All our plans have been ripped in a new direction, and it’s just been improvisation.” Sam notes that it feels like we’re always about to rip into Caleb’s backstory, but haven’t yet followed that thread all the way through. Liam: “It’s partially frustrating, to be sure, but also I like the idea that-- his whole shit has been selfish, it’s been dealing with the trauma that he’s been through and not the greater world, and that’s been shifting somewhat.”

Does Caleb think the book was worth it, and is he still interested in reading more? Sam: “How do you ask Caleb not to read a book?” Liam: “Caleb has spent enough time with the Nein to know you shouldn’t put a hand on a hot stove. After what happened with the book, he knows it’s a terrible idea. But maybe. But it’s a really bad idea. But reserve judgment, but it’s a really terrible idea. I think that Caleb is very aware that mages and people like him very easily fall prey to their curiosity and it can lead to bad places. But there is still that amount of scientific endeavor where you think there is value in knowing and learning, and maybe we can ride that line. He was True Neutral at the start of the campaign, and maybe he’s Chaotic Good now, but part of him is hubris, even if it’s a little bit, still.”

What about Otis has drawn Veth’s focus? Sam: “I mean, he’s a little shit. She was curious about Otis because he’s a small like she is, and in talking to him, he seemed to be real creepy, but he was just creepy and distant and didn’t value his past or family or anything like that. She sees someone who’s like her, but so not like her, and maybe that scares her a little bit more.”

How does Caleb feel about Beau being on this ride with him? Liam: “The dream is another example of how Caleb had very narrow vision of the things he wanted to do. It used to seem so massive to him, but now... To have Beauregard involved feels right. If anyone in the group is going to stop him from grabbing something he shouldn’t, it is probably Beauregard. She’ll punch him in the fucking face to stop him, which I think he needs, to a certain extent. They’re two different kinds of nerds, and I kind of like that, that this group of nine philosophers, they’ve reached out and somehow grabbed the two nerds in the party.”

How do Caleb and Veth see the Somnovum? Sam: “I mean, they seem real bad. Anything that’s a quorum of powerful entities heading towards your planet to unleash an energy of any kind, typically bad? I assume they’re bad, or at least the Tombtakers wish them to do ill.” Liam: “I think they want the kind of peace that comes from snapping your fingers and turning people to dust. Caleb sees them as a cautionary tale; they’re the worst-case scenario for arcane inquisitiveness.” He sees Allura Vysoren as the antidote to that.

Why the staunch refusal to use Halfling Luck? Sam: “I don’t like Luck! I just don’t like Luck. I think it’s cheap, I think it’s a cheat, I think it’s stupid. It just feels like a do-over.” Liam: “I am your antithesis! If I ever voice a halfling, I am going to hammer that feature!” Sam: “What I love about D&D is that you don’t know what’s going to happen. If you roll bad, okay, that’s it. If you roll well, it makes the success more enjoyable to know that it’s a pure success and don’t one where you’re like well actually... it’s so stupid. If someone was about to die, I would probably use the fuckin’ Luck feature. Well. It depends who. If it was Travis, yeah, no, he’s fucked, sorry.”

Liam drops that he’s picked Sam’s character class and race again for a hypothetical campaign three. Sam: “It’s not what I was thinking for future characters, but I’m excited to explore.”

Cosplay of the Week: an amazing Mollymauk by KatofValkyrie!

What was it like to bring the Tombtakers into the tower? Liam: “It is complicated, because he does not like him. Lucien’s just a fucking dick. But Caleb also knows that Molly’s in there somewhere. That tower’s only for the M9, and Lucien’s not in the M9. Their situation with these people is shitty, it’s terrible. Caleb doesn’t feel like they have the upper hand. He doesn’t like that they’re even going on this journey per se, because life is bigger than his bullshit. He feels like they’ve been losing over and over again, so it was a gamble to try to get on equal footing.

What spurred Veth into making sure she and Yasha have some one-on-one time? Sam: “Yasha hasn’t been getting a lot of moments to shine. Now that she’s back, I just got the impression that Yasha feels out of place sometimes, or timid, or unsure of herself. When Veth was Nott, Nott certainly had her share of those moments. I think she sees a kindred spirit and wants to make sure that she’s been giving all the opportunity she can to flourish and thrive. Dani, you’re just laughing at my mustache, aren’t you?” Dani: “Yes, that’s the only thing I’m laughing at through this whole bullshit.” Sam denies all knowledge of trolling, but eventually admits, on the topic of Yasha and Beau getting together: “They’ve made me wait this long... I’m going to make them wait a little bit longer!”

What was it like to show his friends the upper floors? Liam: “I kinda expected somebody to sneak up there before that. That being part of the tower is not even a conscious choice of his, it just is. The reason Caduceus has creeped Caleb out for a long time is because he talks about how-- Caduceus is a really kind person and wants Caleb to let go of the past. And in a really simplistic way, turn that frown upside-down. And that’s just not who Caleb is, and it’s not who everybody is. There is something to be said for trying to stay open and positivity, but thinking you can shut out the past, especially a traumatic one, is just not true. When things happen to us, we carry them. But to candy-coat it and say, ah, I’m free, or everything is good, or I’ve turned the corner... life is way messier than that. It’s not flipping a switch, it’s not bad-to-good, it is such a work in progress. Even when you make strides and start to get to a better place, you can backslide a lot. So the tower is who he is, and the tower is 7/9ths love for his friends, and 1/9th hope, but there’s still a percentage of him that carries everything from the past, and knows that he should, and knows that he should not go back to where he was. And the way to do that is not to say everything is rainbows, but to remember it. The tower is just like an extension of who he is. He’s never going to forget the past, and he’s never going to be like, I’m good, or I’ve turned a corner. He should remember the past, and he should do better, always.”

Does Veth still believe it’s possible to get Molly back? Sam: “Well, she was a person trapped in another body for many years, so has some experience there, and definitely believes that the spirit and soul of Molly is in there and just needs to be unlocked somehow.”

Fan Art of the Week: an amazing group shot by HarpySN!

How are Caleb and Veth dealing with their guilt and fear about being in the middle of this? Sam: “It definitely was a deep conversation that might have repercussions going forward. The problem with all of what we’re doing now is that we don’t have time to deal with our petty problems anymore. It’s all high tension all the time!” Liam: “It’s true; they’re not in control of their situation at all anymore.” Sam: “It’s good to have these check-ins, but it’s not like we can do anything about them. We’re reactive right now.” Liam: “He’s not happy with where they are, but they wouldn’t even be this far if the goblin hadn’t pulled him out of the mud. So part of it is, you saved me from where I was and got me on my feet again, and now it’s disconcerting to see it all just get knocked sideways by something he never could’ve predicted. I think Caleb felt nostalgic for when things were simpler, in a way, for them, when we’re both troubled drifters.”

What was it like to see Gelidon’s return? Liam: “I am the least superstitious person at the table. Ashley’s dice suck.” Sam: “It was fun fighting a dragon!” Liam: “Two massive battles in one episode, neither of which came away with a victory. I guess surviving is a victory.” Sam: “I’d forgotten about the dragon, honestly.” Liam: “I loved it. I was so upset at the idea that we were going to stealth and not get into it.”Sam: “Mercer doesn’t keep a live dragon around and not do something with it. That dragon’s coming back.”

How do Caleb and Veth feel about going to see Essek? Sam: “He can be very helpful, I believe, but as Sam Riegel, a player of D&D, I’m super suspicious. What the fuck is Essek doing up there, so close, now? I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him. And I can throw him pretty far because he floats.” Liam: “I 100% agree with you. I do not understand what Essek could bring to what we are going through. I know the audience loves him, I love him too. He’s a really cool character. But he’s fucking toxic. He out of curiosity caused a war between two nations. And Caleb has been changed for the good by the M9 from months of travel with them. Essek has had none of that. Caleb has changed for the good, but not because of people like Essek. Essek is where Caleb came from. We kept the lid on the pot during the whole treaty at sea and it almost all went fucking sideways, and only because we pressed him into a corner. I hope that guy finds some sort of balance and peace for himself, but I do not see how his input here would be helpful. There’s other heavy hitters that I would try to pull in.”

Liam notes that the Cloven Crystal is in the Bag of Holding. Sam: “Do I have Fluffernutter, or is Fluffernutter gone?” Liam: “Nope. 300 pounds of fireworks? Gone. A dead mage, a threshold crest, and fireworks.” Dani: “Your basic essentials.”

[itsclydebitches]

People wanted the early volumes to be re animated. They got their wish it seems. At least the first volume it seems.

My sense at the moment is that we've deliberately been shown only a small, small chunk of the series. Basically, everything taking place in the first 1-2 episodes that deliberately mirror (no mirror-verse puns intended) the original show before we get into AU territory. So it might not but an early volume(s) reanimation so much as a early episode(s) reanimation with subtle nods towards the different timeline — did Yang ever confront Weiss like that? I can't remember — before things really take a turn.

Okay, now pardon me, anon, but I'm going to use your ask to throw out random observations because I'm too lazy to make another post lol.

I like the animation style well enough so far, with the exception of everyone’s eyes. Ngl they kind of freak me out but, you know, presumed dark AU so maybe that’s a good thing for the tone of the story? At least on my end.

The combat also looks good. Ruby’s scythe skills generated a “Nice, nice” but Weiss, like, THROWING the boarbatusk? There’s a hard-hitting intensity in the visuals here that, despite Monty's stellar choreography, the original animation lacks just due to constraints.

BEAR GRIMM

I like that Ruby is speaking to Summer a lot in the trailer. It helps establish a strong tie between them and keeps her motivation—becoming a huntress to follow in her mother’s footsteps—at the forefront, rather than just mentioning it in passing. If this AU takes the time to add onto what we got in the original timelime, something I'd most like to see is Summer development.

It’s so funny having all the girls’ original, basic personalities distilled into a trailer because it’s like: Ruby [very serious]—'I won’t disappoint you, Mom.’ Weiss [very serious]—‘I have a responsibility as heir to the Schnee corporation.’ Blake [very serious]—‘The world is not a fairy tale.’ Yang [vibrating at the speed of light]—‘Oh my fucking god I LOVE MY SISTER’

Whether anything comes of it or not, I like Weiss’ “You’ve done nothing to earn your position” superimposed over her fight against the knight, implying that she doesn’t just think she deserves the leadership role by virtue of being a Schnee, but because she underwent a difficult trial set by her father to get here. It’s a slightly different spin that adds depth to Weiss beyond just being an arrogant know-it-all. Why does Ruby get to be leader when she worked so hard to be here, etc.? The idea of Ruby getting by more on raw talent than work effort—crazy impressive scythe skills she seems to have easily picked up, let into Beacon early, made leader, doesn’t like paying attention in class, etc.—was never explored, but could be a cool angle here.

Weiss also appears a lot more hurt by Ruby calling her “bossy” than she was in the initial show. Of course, that could be largely due to the different animation style, but still. Regardless, it (again) gives us a slightly different reading of Weiss’ character and her relationship with Ruby. Whiterose shippers getting fed tonight.

As is the freezerburn crowd.

“This is about novice girls” oh god slap that on Volume 8 as the tagline.

Funny that the subtitles give Ozpin’s well known “I would not consider your appointment to leader to be one of them” without explaining what “them” is. That is, one of his many mistakes.

More importantly: HE’S BACK. It’s okay, Oz, you can keep your creepy eyes. I’m just glad to see you.

Also...

possibly I’m being very stupid by asking this but what… is this? Salem is talking about dust when it’s shown so I assume it’s dust-related, but it looks kinda fantasy banana-ish? Did a piece of Jaune’s hair fall out? I feel like this is just a matter of me being too tired to think straight but idk I was #confused.

Cool that the music cuts out and the glass of the screen shatters during the credits, like the normality/reality of the original RWBY universe (even as a webseries — now it's an anime) really has been breached. Weiss sees her counterpart, though notably not in the alternate outfit shown on the website. From the back they appear to be identical.

So yeah, we still don’t really know what’s going on. As said, first few episodes (mostly) retelling RT's RWBY before a sudden divergence? That seems the most likely at this point. I do wish we'd gotten some sense of what the AU aspects will be — it's not really a "RWBY: Ice Queendom" trailer is it? It's a "RWBY: Reboot" trailer with the fandom simply knowing better — but given that the early volumes are my favorite, even if this wasn't the case of an AU I'd still be interested in the content.

[dottielovegood]

ASMR - Chapter 4

Elriel fanfiction

About this fic:

Azriel can’t sleep Elain has an ASMR channel Match made in heaven (or you know, on youtube..)

_______________________________________

You can find chapter 1 here, chapter 2 here and chapter 3 here

Read this fic on AO3

_______________________________________

The following week, Azriel read Elain’s messages too many times to admit. He had answered her that “meat banjo” was, indeed, a vile word, and after that, they hadn’t really talked or texted.

He had saved her number as “Elain”, which had felt weirdly private. As if they were friends, which they were not. He was just her friendly helper, and she was his remedy for nightmares.

However, even though they didn’t know each other, Azriel felt an odd sensation in his chest when he thought about her. If he didn’t know better, he would have thought that he was missing her, which was absurd. But the tight little knot in his chest felt very much like longing. He tried to tell himself that this was weird and stupid. He knew that he had a crush on her (even though he hated to admit it), but he could also see that it was a pointless crush. She was an internet sensation, he was a boring IT guy. She was light and happiness and flowers, he was dark and brooding. She made people smile, he made people uncomfortable. And then there was the practical side of things. They had met on the internet. She probably lived on the other side of the country. Hell, she could even live in a different country for all he knew. She might have a partner already - it’s not like he asked. And, last but not least, she probably didn’t have a crush on him.

Before talking to her on the phone, he had just thought that she was a pretty girl that deserved kindness. But after their phone call, he had definitely developed a crush. Which was another reason why he hadn’t texted her. He didn’t want to bother her and he didn’t want to have this crush. He wanted to stop feeling like this for a girl he would never see in real life. Yet, every night before bed, he found himself on her youtube page, watching one of her many videos.

She uploaded a new video to Youtube every Friday, so when Friday came around, Azriel was itching to get home so he could go to sleep (he told himself that he was looking forward to sleeping and not to seeing her face).

However, he had an entire workday to get through first. The office was mostly an open landscape and Azriel’s desk was next to Cassian’s. The only person with his own office was Rhysand, which was fair since he was the owner of the company. At two in the afternoon, Rhys poked his head out of his office.

“You guys are still coming for dinner this weekend, right?”

“Yeah,” Azriel and Cassian answered in unison.

“I told Feyre that I would help her with the food,” Azriel continued.

Rhys looked like he was going to kiss Azriel. “Oh, god. Thank you, man. I was scared that we would have to repeat the Christmas dinner,” he said and shuddered.

Feyre hated to cook and Rhys did most of the cooking at home, but for some inexplicable reason, she always wanted to cook for holidays or family dinners. To everyone’s dismay. Christmas had been no exception. She had burned the turkey, added salt instead of sugar to the dessert and somehow managed to buy the wrong berries for her cranberry sauce. Luckily, Rhys had been prepared and bought a few frozen pizzas and some ice cream, so the day wasn’t that much of a disaster, but nobody wanted to brave Feyre’s cooking again.

“Why don’t you just cook?” Cassian asked without looking up from his screen.

“You know that she kicks me out if I so much as go near the kitchen when we have these family dinners. And since she started the hormone treatment, she has been a bit bitchy when she gets mad, so I’ll just do whatever she says.”

Azriel chuckled. He could tell from Rhysand’s tone that Feyre had been more than “a bit” bitchy.

“I don’t understand why she lets Azriel help, though…”

“Maybe because she knows that I’ll tell her to sit down with a glass of wine and a magazine, and then she can take all of the credit for the food?”

“Fair enough.” Rhys shrugged. “Just burn the food a little bit, or it won’t be believable.”

Cassian snorted. “No one would believe that something edible was made by your wife. Sorry.”

“She does make a great green smoothie, though,” Rhys grinned and held up his glass.

Azriel and Cassian looked at each other and had to bite their tongues to keep from laughing. The smoothie looked vile and smelled even worse.

After a few more minutes of small talk, Rhys went back to his office for an important phone call. “See you on Saturday,” he reminded them before closing the door.

Azriel and Cassian worked in silence for the remainder of the day.

When Azriel came home that evening, he made a quick pasta carbonara to eat in front of the TV. He was re-watching New Girl. It was his comfort show and absolutely nobody knew that he watched it (and had watched it multiple times). He would take that information with him to the grave. But it was fun and cute and sometimes he liked to imagine his friends as characters in the show. Cassian was probably Schmidt, because Nesta was one hundred percent Cece. Feyre was Jess, which meant that Rhys was Nick. And then there was Azriel. He wanted to say that he was a very cool character, but most characters on this show weren’t cool, and also, he was definitely Winston. Alone with a cat - sounds about right , Azriel thought to himself as he finished his bowl of pasta.

When the episode ended he just waited for the next to start. He didn’t have any plans for the night and nowhere to be. His phone vibrated where he had left it on the kitchen counter. He ignored it, feeling too lazy to get up. But then it vibrated again. With a sigh, he got up. He expected to see a text from Mor telling him to bring wine tomorrow, or maybe a strange meme from Cassian. What he didn’t expect was to see Elain’s name on his screen.

He could feel his heart in his throat as he read her messages.

Elain Hey, Shadowsinger. I’m uploading a new video soon. You should watch it!

Elain I hope that message didn’t sound creepy? I just meant that I think you might like it.

Azriel’s hands were sweaty.

Azriel You didn’t sound creepy at all. Of course, I’ll watch your video. May I ask what I can expect from it?

Just seconds later, Elain answered.

Elain You can ask, but I might not tell ;)

Azriel Should I be worried?

Elain Haha, no! I think it turned out great. You were my inspiration :)

Azriel could feel himself blush. He had never been someone’s inspiration before.

Azriel So, I’m your muse? ;)

Oh god, was that too flirty? Was the winky-face too much? He wished that he could take back the message.

Elain For tonight, yes!

Azriel stared at his phone, unsure of what to answer. Luckily, Elain wrote to him again.

Elain What are you doing tonight?

Azriel Nothing. Just eating pasta and watching TV. How about you?

Elain That sounds amazing. I have been editing this video for hours so I’m just tired and cranky, haha. I have just ordered a pizza and I think I’ll just eat it in bed as soon as this video has finished uploading. What did you watch?

Azriel If I told you, I would have to kill you.

Elain Oh, intriguing! Is it trashy drama? I bet it’s Grey’s anatomy! Or maybe… Love Island?

Azriel stared at his phone. Did she really think that he would watch something like Love Island?

Azriel I watched New Girl, okay. Don’t tell anyone.

Elain Your secret is safe with me! Also, I love New Girl! Especially Winston!

It felt as if someone was squeezing Azriel’s heart.

Azriel Really? Which character would you be?

Elain My pizza is here so I am going to put all of my electronics in a different room and eat my pizza while reading a good book. It was great talking to you, Azriel! Please tell me what you thought of the video when you have watched it.

Elain Oh, and I would probably be Winston’s cat. lol

Azriel almost dropped his phone. If he had to be alone with a cat for the rest of his life, he would definitely want Elain to be his cat , he thought to himself. Which was a weird thing to think about someone you didn’t know. Azriel dropped his head to his kitchen counter and took a deep breath before replying.

Azriel It was great talking to you too, Elain. Enjoy your dinner and your book :)

She didn’t answer, but she didn’t have to. Azriel was going to be thinking about her for the rest of the night anyway.

30 minutes later, he got a notification telling him that Flower Girl ASMR had uploaded a new video. The video was called “ASMR for IT-guys”, which made him chuckle. He clicked the video and Elain’s beautiful face filled his screen again.

“Hello, my lovelies, lovelies, lovelies,” she whispered in her microphone. “This week’s video will be a bit different,” she continued, slowly moving her hands in front of the camera. “This video was inspired by my friend who recently helped me with some computer-related issues, issues, issues.”

Azriel loved it when she repeated words like that. And he liked that he somehow was a part of this video. It was something that connected them. Azriel paused the video and got into bed, knowing fully well that he would probably fall asleep soon if he kept watching this.

He pressed play again. “So, today, I thought that we would try a few computer-related triggers. I have a keyboard here,” she said and started typing on a keyboard that was out of view. “I thought that I would say a few trigger words while typing them.”

She smiled at the camera and pressed a few more keys. “I just wrote my friend’s name, but you won’t get to know who he is. But you know who you are. Thank you for your help!”

Azriel felt all warm inside.

She continued the video. “The first trigger word is IP address ”. Azriel laughed as she repeated the word multiple times while typing quickly.

“And then we have, laptop, laptop, laptop,” she continued, and Azriel felt shivers go down his spine when she popped the p’s.

Azriel had never thought that he would fall asleep to someone whispering “HTML coding” in his ears, but here he was. Relaxed and ready to sleep.

All thanks to Flower Girl ASMR.

━━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━━

The next day, Azriel texted Elain that he had loved the video. He waited for hours, but no reply came. Maybe she just wanted to repay me for helping her? Azriel thought. Maybe she would stop talking to him now that he had seen the video.

The thought of never talking to Elain again made him feel a new kind of ache in his chest. An ache he didn’t want to feel. This stupid crush needs to end, he muttered to himself as he started to scrub his kitchen counter. He tried to ignore the feeling by keeping busy. He cleaned his apartment and did some laundry before heading over to his friends’ house.

Rhys greeted him by the door and ushered him inside.

“She started cooking like 15 minutes ago, please save whatever can be saved,” he whispered to Azriel. Azriel chuckled and made his way to the kitchen. On the way there, he passed the living room and stopped to greet his friends. He saw most of them on a daily basis because of work, but he was still happy to see them. Cassian and his fiancée Nesta sat close together on one of the green velvet couches. On the opposite couch sat Mor and Amren. Mor was one of the journalists at Velaris News, and Amren was an editor. They had known each other for years. Amren and Rhys had studied together at university, and Mor was Rhysand’s cousin. Once upon a time, Azriel had a crush on Mor. One night after one too many glasses at Rita’s he confessed his feelings to her and she had looked horrified. He had expected her to tell him that she didn’t fancy him and leave it at that, but instead, she had blurted “I like girls!”

Azriel was the first person she ever came out to, and he had felt honored. He also knew now that they wouldn’t have worked out together in the long run (even if Mor had been straight). They were just too different. She was energetic and outgoing and fun, he needed peace and quiet. But she was still one of his very best friends.

Amren on the other hand, he didn’t know as well. She had always been very private, but she was damn good at her job.

“Where’s Varian tonight?” Azriel asked Amren, trying to make small talk.

“How should I know?” she answered quickly. “I’m not his mother.”

Cassian stared at her. “But you are his girlfriend?”

She shrugged. “I don’t like to label things.”

Nesta rolled her eyes. Amren had lived with Varian for the past two years, but she was still reluctant to tell anyone about their relationship.

Azriel made his way into the kitchen, and from what he could tell, he made it just in time.

“What are you making, Feyre?” he asked, because truthfully, he couldn’t tell.

Feyre turned around quickly as if he had startled her. “Oh, hi Az,” she said and wiped her forehead with the back of her hand.

Something was burning.

“I was trying to make lamb chops with glazed carrots, roasted potatoes, and salsa verde, but…” she gestured to the stove, which looked like a disaster.

Azriel chuckled. “That’s ambitious.” He lifted the lid from one of the pots and could clearly see that she had overcooked the lamb 10 minutes ago. Also, why had she made them in a pot, and not a frying pan? It would be inedible.

The potatoes were still in the sink, unpeeled.

She gave him a strained smile. “Will you help me?”

“Of course.” Azriel put the grocery bag he had brought with him on the kitchen island. “On one condition.”

“Anything.” She sounded desperate.

“Please, for the love of god, let Rhys cook when we come over. You really don’t have to show off. You are good at many things, Feyre. But cooking is unfortunately not one of them.”

She nodded. “I know,” she sat down on one of the stools at the kitchen island and buried her face in her hand. “I just...I need to be able to cook when I become a mother.”

Azriel took her hand in his. “You really don’t. Nobody expect fathers to be good at cooking, so why should every mother be good at it? Honestly, just let Rhys cook while you play with the kids.”

She smiled at him. “That actually sounds amazing,” she sighed.

“Right?”

Azriel started to pull out some ingredients from the bag on the kitchen island. He held up the tomatoes and the spaghetti, “How about some pasta arrabbiata with burrata?”

“Sounds fancy.”

He shrugged. “Everything sounds fancier in a different language. It’s just pasta with a spicy tomato sauce, and burrata on top.”

“Whatever you make will probably be better than that mess,” she said and glanced towards the stove. Azriel couldn’t disagree.

“Probably,” he laughed and got to work. Azriel placed all the pots and pans in the sink and started chopping the vegetables for the sauce, and in just 30 minutes, dinner was served.

“You are my hero,” Feyre said and kissed his cheek as she carried the big bowl of pasta to the dining room.

Everyone had already gathered around the table, wine glasses in hand. As Azriel sat down, Mor poured him some wine.

“This looks amazing,” Nesta said and Cassian nodded in agreement.

“Thanks, Az helped a little,” Feyre said and winked at Azriel.

“Just a bit,” Azriel said and took a sip of wine.

The conversation (and wine) flowed freely, as it always did. Cassian and Nesta told them about their wedding plans, Mor gushed about Emerie, a girl she was dating, and Feyre told them about life as a high school art teacher. Azriel would never understand how anyone could choose to spend their days with teenagers, but Feyre loved it.

After two bottles of wine, Nesta and Mor were in an argument about which animal was the cutest.

“No, I am telling you, Sloths are cuter than any animal ever,” Mor exclaimed. “Have you seen their dopey little faces?”

“Sloths? Really?” Nesta looked at her as if she had suggested that the sky was green. “Red pandas are way cuter! They are cute and cuddly, Sloths just look like every single stoner I went to high school with.”

They had been at it for 10 minutes, which Azriel found to be quite impressive.

“Can you both just shut up?” Amren gritted out. “The cutest animals are koalas. They’re even cute when they fight. I am right, you are wrong. Please stop this meaningless discussion before I die from boredom.”

Nesta and Mor looked at Amren, and then at each other.

“We obviously have to see Koalas fight if you want us to end this conversation,” Mor said.

Nesta nodded. “Obviously. Give me your phone, Az,” she said and reached for his phone.

“Why do you need my phone?”

“Because mine is dead and yours is right there on the table. Also, your screen is big and we need to watch this in full HD, for obvious reasons.”

Azriel huffed a laugh, unlocked his phone, and handed it to Nesta.

She clicked the Youtube app, and then her face fell. She looked at Azriel as if he was an alien, and then she showed the phone to Cassian who looked at him with the same facial expression.

What the hell had they found?

He didn’t have anything weird on his phone. And he sure as hell didn’t watch porn on it.

“What?” Azriel asked, and Nesta turned the phone.

Fuck. The last video he had watched was still loaded on Youtube, and of course, it was Elain’s latest video.

“What the hell is this?” Nesta asked, almost looking angry.

Azriel didn’t understand why she found ASMR so wrong, but he desperately wanted to explain himself.

“Well, it’s ASMR. It’s kind of… well, it’s hard to explain, but it helps me sleep and– “

Nesta interrupted him before he could finish. “I know what ASMR is. I am wondering why you are watching Elain?”

Azriel stared at Nesta in shock. Did she also like Elain’s videos? But that wouldn’t explain the anger and confusion.

“Do you...know her?” Azriel asked.

“Yes, we went to university together. She’s our florist for the wedding. She was the florist at their wedding, too,” Nesta answered and gestured towards Rhys and Feyre. “Surely you have met her?”

Azriel could do nothing but shake his head in confusion. If he had ever met Elain, he would have known. You didn’t forget a face like hers.

“Please tell me you’re not stalking her like some creep, Az. Honestly, her last boyfriend was the world’s biggest asshat.”

“I’m not stalking her,” Azriel blurted out. “I’m just watching her videos to fall asleep, I promise. I– I didn’t know that you knew her.”

Nesta eyed him suspiciously. “So, is this just a coincidence?”

He nodded. “Weirder things have happened,” he said, trying to lighten the mood.

Nesta glanced at Cassian, and then back at Azriel. “Fine,” she said after a small eternity. “You would probably be cute together anyway. Sorry for insinuating that you would be a stalker.” She really did look remorseful. “That wasn’t fair. I’m just very protective of her. She’s the nicest girl, but she has horrendous taste in men.”

Azriel couldn’t answer, because his mind was still stuck on the fact that Nesta said that they would be cute together. He wanted to ask Nesta why she thought that. He kind of also wanted to ask her if Elain lived here in Velaris, and what her favorite movie was, and if she, by any chance, had a boyfriend. But he refrained, he didn’t want to sound like a stalker.

“So, what the fuck is ASMR?” Cassian asked. “Is it like porn?”

Before Azriel could answer, Rhys said “It’s like porn for your ears, I guess,” and then the entire table was laughing.

“Nesta,” Feyre said when the laughter had died down. “Does Elain still have that cute, little shop on River Street?”

“Mhm,” Nesta answered and took a sip of her wine.

Azriel could kiss Feyre for asking. And if he wasn’t mistaken, he could see her wink in his direction before raising her water glass to her lips.

Azriel walked home that evening with a million thoughts in his head.

He made a list in his head:

Elain lived in Velaris

River Street was literally a 10-minute walk from his home.

Nesta thought that they would be cute together

This meant nothing

She probably didn’t even like him back

Just because they were in the same city, it didn’t mean that they would ever meet.

This was still just a crush

And it was probably one-sided

She hadn’t even answered his latest text message.

And as if on cue, his phone vibrated in his pocket.

Elain I’m sorry that I didn’t answer you earlier. I’ve been at work all day. We had a leak in the basement and everything was just chaos. I haven’t even checked my phone until now.

He mentally scratched number 9 from his list.

Azriel No worries! Did you fix the leak?

Azriel checked the time on his phone: 23.30

Had she dealt with this leak until now?

Elain Yes! But so many flowers were ruined (I’m a florist) and I had to remake a few arrangements for a wedding that’s coming up.

Elain I’m sorry. You probably don’t care. I’m happy that you liked the video :)

Azriel wanted to tell her that he did care. That everything she said was interesting to him. He would probably even find her Starbucks order fascinating. But that bordered on stalker behavior.

Azriel Again, no worries! Sometimes when you’ve had a bad day, you just need someone to vent to.

Elain Exactly! Thank you for letting me vent :) This day is finally over!

There was a selfie attached to the last message.

Elain was standing in front of a big window surrounded by flowers. She was wearing a white, oversized shirt and her hair was in a messy bun. She looked tired but happy. She was giving him ‘thumbs up’ in the photo and through the window, he could see the Sidra. They were indeed in the same city. It made him both happy and nervous.

Elain Sweaty but happy to be heading home :)

Azriel received that last message when he walked through the door to his apartment. What the hell was he supposed to answer?

But then he thought back to Nesta’s words.

You would probably be cute together.

So he took a deep breath and gathered all his courage.

Azriel You still look beautiful though

He stared at his phone. Would she answer? Would she block him? Would she tell him to stop being a creep?

Elain Thank you :) What do you look like? I might have forgotten ;)

Okay. That was flirty. Even Azriel could tell that that was a flirty text message, and he was usually oblivious to such things. He quickly walked to his bathroom (it was the room with the best lighting). He checked his shirt (no stains) and mussed with his hair.

“Good enough,” he muttered, and snapped a selfie.

Before he could chicken out, he sent it to her.

Within seconds, he received a reply.

Elain Beautiful!

[diegos-butt]

Electricity Chapter 1

Summary: For the first time in her life, Melody Williams is moving out of her hometown to Minnesota where she got a job as a crime journalist for the Minnesota Daily. But this city does not only have a new job for her to offer. What will happen when she crosses paths with detective Walter Marshall? Heads up, a little electricity is involved ✨

Walter Marshall x Melody Williams (curvy OFC)

Warnings: none

Wordcount: 2.5k

A/N: So, I wrote something for the first time 👀 Pls be kind haha. This is written with a plus size/curvy OFC in mind because all my curvy babes, like me, deserve some love 😘 

“Thanks for calling me. I will call you back with my decision soon.” I hung up the phone and stared at it in my hand. A woman from the newspaper in the city a few towns over had just called, telling me they were offering me a job at their crime department. I sat at my desk at my current job, a local journalist for my hometown newspaper. I started working there during college and they offered a job after I finished. I happily accepted, because that meant I could move out of my lovely parents’ house and start my own life.

As I sat at my desk I realized I had never really left this town, and I had always fantasized what it would be like to live and work in a different town. I loved my hometown, don’t get me wrong, but it is small and everyone knows each other. Every day is basically the same here. Miss Johnson walks her dog at exact 3pm, the Millers go to the supermarket at 4pm to buy dinner and the whole town eats at Al’s diner every Sunday.

Also, the men in this town aren’t something to write home about. The decent men are taken by the perfect housewives and the ones who are left, are the type of guys who you don’t want to meet in a dark alley. And unfortunately, no nice men have decided to move here in the last couple of years. The only guy I dated (we were only together for a couple of months) decided I wasn’t good enough and eloped with a pretty, skinny blonde bitch.

While the town doesn’t seem to change, neither does my job. I have been covering the local news for a couple of years now, and it feels like I have been doing the same thing over and over again. Nothing really happens here, and honestly it makes me feel stuck at my job. I feel like my job and this place aren’t helping me to move further. I want to learn more and see something else than this town.

Still staring at the phone in my hand realization washed over me. This was my way out. This phone call could change everything. Not thinking twice, I called the woman (I had forgotten her name, Stacy apparently) back telling her I was accepting their offer. This was my chance of starting something new.

In the weeks after the call, I quit my job and started looking for a new place. Luckily, I found a cosy, affordable apartment. Not too big, not too small. Perfect for me and only me. Not wanting to wait, I moved in quickly with the help of my parents and made the place feel a little like home.

It was a cute apartment with one bedroom and a tiny kitchen. I had everything I needed. A comfy couch, my kettle, my books, a tv for my binge-watching nights and lots of cosy blankets and throw pillows.

After moving in and settling down, I finally had a chance to decorate the place with a lot of fairy lights and plants. I stood in the middle of the living area, wiping some sweat of my face after moving around some heavy plants. Yeah, this is starting to look like home. I thought as I looked around the living area, satisfied with the work I did.

I sat down on my couch and looked at the clock on the wall. It was 8pm. I was tired and hadn’t eaten yet. Tomorrow was my first day at the Minnesota Daily and I couldn’t wait. I was a little nervous, but because I was so tired, I didn’t have the energy to be too nervous or to make dinner.

I decided to make a grilled cheese sandwich and go to bed early. Tomorrow was the first day of a new start and I needed to look good. Might need a full 12 hours of sleep if I want to look a little decent, I thought to myself as I stared into the mirror and noticed my messy hair and the bags under my eyes.

After I ate my ‘dinner’ (I decided two grilled cheese sandwiches counted as dinner), I went to my bedroom and picked an outfit for tomorrow. A simple jeans and a baby blue blouse would do it. Afterwards I brushed my teeth and removed my make up. I put on my pyjamas and fell asleep as soon as my head hit my pillow.

After parking my car in the parking garage underneath the building the Minnesota Daily is located, I checked my make up one last time in the rear-view mirror. No uneven eyebrows and no smudges of mascara. Let’s go make a good first impression.

I stepped out of the car and grabbed my purse. I walked out of the parking garage and made my way to the front desk where I was greeted by a friendly older looking receptionist.

“Hi, I’m Melody! It is my first day here and I was told to ask for Stacy,” I said.

“Welcome dear! I’ll let Stacy know you’re here! She’ll be here in a sec,” she said with a smile. I nodded and looked around. People were walking in and out of the building, most of them talking on the phone. They all looked like they were in a rush.

Stacy appeared within a minute. She was taller than me, and I’m not exactly tiny, and her long brown hair was tied up in a bun. She walked towards me with her hand reached out and I quickly took it.

“Hi, you must be Melody! I’m Stacy, but everyone calls me Stace. Come, follow me, I’ll show you where we will be working!” she said while we walked to the elevator. While the elevator brought us to the 8th floor, she asked me how my new apartment was and if I liked the city. Before I knew it, the elevator reached the 8th floor.

“Everyone, pay attention! This is Melody and she will be joining our department as you all know,” Stacy practically yelled the second we left the elevator. I already saw some friendly faces looking at me. “Hi, I am Melody, but please call me Mel,” I said while Stacy walked over to a desk and started to introduce me to my new co-workers.

After I met everyone from the crime department, I made my way towards my new desk. Everyone seemed friendly and there was a relaxed atmosphere. Which was a little surprising to me considering this was the crime department. I looked around and thought: yeah, I made the right call to accept this offer.

Yet, I had no idea what this town had to offer me. Or better said, who.

In the first week I worked there I became friends with some of my co-workers. Carmen Garcia practically forced me to go to lunch with her and Gia Park on my first day. They had both been working at the Minnesota Daily for a couple of years now and they were one of the few women in the department. So, they were glad I was recruited to give them another ally in the office.

While we had lunch, they informed me about everything I needed to know. “You seriously need to stay away from creepy Greg, he works for the finance section. Make sure you never go down there alone. He always looks at women like he wants to drag them into an empty alley,” Gia said while pretending to throw up.

“Oh, he is the worst! But Megan, the receptionist, is the best ever. She is so sweet and kind. If you ever need anything, just ask her and she will help you,” Carmen added.

“Definitely! And if you ever need free tickets for a sports game, just let me know and we will visit the guys from the sport section,” Gia told me with a wink.

“I will keep all of this in mind,” I said while taking a sip from my cappuccino. “but tell me something about yourselves!”

Next thing I knew Carmen and Gia told me where they grew up, where they went to school and how they ended up working for the Minnesota Daily. I noticed how easy it was to talk to these girls and we had a good laugh while they told me about their most recent dating disasters. I nearly spilled my cappuccino not once or twice, but thrice while Carmen told me about how she escaped from one of her dates through the bathroom window.

During my first week I spend a lot of time with them. I helped them finish their articles and I got to know them pretty well. Carmen is tough, but sweet and straightforward, while Gia is soft and has a very short span of attention while working. She has visited my desk every half hour just to “catch up”. But I didn’t complain. It was nice to have them as my co-workers, although they began to feel more like friends.

It felt like my life fell into place again. I was making new friends, and I did a pretty good job so far.  Still, sometimes I forgot to do basis tasks like getting groceries. So now I was parking my car in the parking lot of the grocery store.

As soon as I stepped out, I felt the cold chilly air around me, making me pull my leather jacket closer around my body. Hastily I stepped through the doors of the store just a few minutes before they would close. Quickly I grabbed a basket, knowing I should grab a cart, and started to walk through the aisles.

It was quiet inside, just a few people were doing some last-minute shopping like me. I waved hello to the woman at the cash register as I made my way to the first aisle.

So just the basics, some bread, apples, veggies, chocolate. Hmm maybe no chocolate. Okay yes, some chocolate. I deserve it today. What else, milk and cereal obviously. Girl gotta eat some breakfast. I thought as I threw some products in my already way too full basket and made my way to the cereal aisle. I walked passed the apples and picked some up, holding them in my hands.

Walking through the aisle I stopped in front of the many boxes of cereal. Above me I noticed a flickering lightbulb, reminding me I still needed to watch the last episode of Stranger Things. Maybe I should watch it tonight.

Staring at all the different kinds of cereal, I couldn’t decide which one I wanted. After a minute of just staring at the boxes lost in my own world, I grabbed one.

Except, I suddenly wasn’t the only one. Quickly I turned around and bumped into a warm, broad chest which made me drop the apples I was carrying. “Oh shit,” I whispered before I looked up into the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen and stared at the man. He had a beard and dark, brown curls. One of the curls dangled in front of his eyes and I had to fight the urge to not wipe it out of his face.

“It didn’t look like you were going to make a decision soon, so I just grabbed the one I wanted,” he said while crouching down to pick up the fallen apples.

“Oh no, no it’s fine,” I stammered, completely overwhelmed by him. “I guess I was zoned out there for a moment.”

While he was picking up the apples, I decided to take a quick look at him. He was a tall, big man wearing a dark blue sweater. Damn it, he is gorgeous. Don’t mind bumping into him more often.. no don’t go there, pull yourself together! I thought as I felt my cheeks burning all of a sudden. I couldn’t even remember the last time I talked to a man this handsome. Get it together Mel.

As he stood up and handed me the apples, I noticed how tired he looked. There were dark circles underneath his eyes, making me wonder when it was the last time he had a decent amount of sleep. Or if he ever had a decent night of sleep.

“Thank you for picking these up,” I said while holding up the apples, making them almost fall again. His reflexes were fast as he grabbed my elbow, helping me keep the apples balanced. The warmth of his hand made my legs suddenly feel a little weak.

“No problem,” he chuckled tiredly making me smile a little. “Maybe you should have gotten a cart instead of a basket, might be easier,” he said while still holding onto my elbow. He pointed with his other hand to my basket that was way too full.  

“You are probably right, but my stubborn ass thought I could carry it all, so here we are,” I answered with a timed laugh, feeling a little embarrassed. He looked at me with those blue eyes and I noticed he had a “don’t mess with me” vibe, that somehow made me feel safe.

As I looked at his hand on my elbow, I suddenly became aware of how close he was. I could smell his musky cologne. He noticed I looked at his hand, and he abruptly let go of me while taking a step back. I immediately missed the warmth of his hand.

“I, uh, I need to go. Take care and don’t drop those again,” he told me with a small smile pointing at the apples in my hands. He grabbed his own basket and started to walk away. As he walked away, I took a good look of him. He was a very muscular man, and I took a mental picture of his ass because that was a sight I did not want to forget. I must tell Carmen and Gia about this.

“I can’t promise that, but I will try my hardest,” I laughed, knowing I would probably drop them again soon. “See you around?” I asked him. Surprised by my own boldness I nearly sank through the floor out of embarrassment.

He looked back at me with those beautiful blue eyes and I felt a spark of electricity going through my spine. “I hope so,” he said with a smirk before he shook his head and turned the corner leaving me speechless in the cereal aisle.

I stood there for another minute while coming back to my senses. My cheeks stopped burning and I realized I had not embarrassed myself that much. I smiled to myself and pictured the smirk he gave me in my head. Then the announcement that the store was about to close in a few minutes blared through the speakers, reminding me I still had to collect some groceries.

Quickly I grabbed the rest of the groceries and headed towards the cash register hoping to see him one more time. Unfortunately, he was nowhere to be found.

I paid for the groceries and walked to my car. Loading the groceries in the trunk I nearly dropped the apples again. Told you, I thought while closing the trunk. It was getting dark and colder outside so I wasted no more time and drove home.

While driving home I realized the mistake I made.

Damn, I should’ve asked his name.

•••

> Chapter two

Taglist: @keanureevesisbae

If somehow you want to be on my taglist, just let me know!

[lonelier-version-of-you]

I’m not quite sure what to make of that episode.

Granted, I may have been biased against it from the start. Any episode that comes after a Dylan/Paula-centric one is an episode that has to follow a very tough act indeed.

I also simply feel that an episode focused on a staff member’s decision whether or not to continue her pregnancy is not the sort of thing I really want Casualty to be doing. Every now and then, yes. Something like Jade’s centric episode, which was very staff-focused, worked because it happened in the midst of other episodes that had actual patient storylines. But when we’ve had a lot of episodes in recent months (the episode where Faith The Domestic Abuser - and yes, I refuse to stop reminding you all that she is one - got robbed by the creepy bloke is a good example) where patient storylines have been pushed to the sidelines in favour of centering the staff members’ drama... it’s hard to get behind an episode focused almost entirely on a staff member, because it’s not going to be much different from many regular episodes these days.

I also felt the episode just tried too hard to be artsy. They needed to calm down a bit with the special effects and voiceovers.

Having said that, there were certainly elements tonight that I really liked. Amanda Henderson’s acting was fantastic. Robyn may be a bit bland as a character, but Amanda can act like hell when they give her the right material. Remember how good she was in the storyline with Glen? She was very good tonight as well. First storyline they’ve given her in ages and she certainly gave it her all.

I thought Robyn having to work through having an abortion because she needed all the money she could get was a very powerful writing choice. For once, Casualty giving a staff member a health crisis instead of, you know, just doing a regular patient story actually worked, because tonight it was actually used to make a point. Characters on this show go on a lot about being “overworked and underpaid”, but tonight they finally decided to show that, not just tell.

Speaking of which, I really wasn’t expecting them to let Robyn actually go through with the abortion, so kudos to Casualty for that. I have mixed feelings about how they handled it, but I think perhaps my issue is not so much with this particular narrative. It’s with the lack of abortion stories that actually get told in these kinds of shows in general. It feels like you never see a story where a woman has an abortion just because she wants to - it always has to be for some big, dramatic reason, otherwise she’ll only consider an abortion and then inevitably change her mind. (Still haven’t forgiven Emmerdale for the story where Laurel totally wanted her baby... until she found out it would have Down’s Syndrome, and then she was like “nah, I don’t want it now actually”.) Robyn going through with an abortion because she can’t afford to bring up another child isn’t a bad story. It’s just that it’s a shame we never seem to get stories where it’s simply about the woman deciding not to have a(nother) kid because she just doesn’t want one.

Am I making sense? I’m feeling quite tired today so I might not be making sense. I did like that they at least acknowledged that situations where the woman is sure abortion is the right choice exist - Paige talking about what she’d do if she got pregnant.

Talking of Paige. I already liked her but I officially love her now. She was great tonight. She’s gone from a bit exaggeratedly useless in her first episode to someone who isn’t quite sure what she’s doing yet but genuinely wants to be, and has potential to be, a good doctor. I love her. And I loved how supportive she was to Robyn.

I wish they’d done more with either of the patient storylines, but then I guess they weren’t really the point of the episode.

Dylan got maybe 3 minutes of screentime tonight, but they were great, as always.

Also, whoever cast the little girl who plays Charlotte deserves a promotion. Seriously. Have Casualty taken on whoever’s been responsible for all the brilliant family castings on Holby these last few years? (Guy Henry and William Postlethwaite + Dawn Steele and David Ames were two incredible parent-child castings.) Because the kid playing Charlotte looks SO MUCH like Amanda Henderson, it’s amazing.

Next week, we get Faith scenes. Sigh. But we also get a proper storyline for Sah, finally. Heck yeah.

[flyingupward]

critical role - bell’s hells - arc 1 sentence starters

all sentences taken from episodes 1-23 of the third campaign of critical role. feel free to change pronouns, phrasing etc. to fit your needs!

“Kids like fun scary. You’re scary scary.”

“What time are you going to wake up? You’re being lazy.”

“Smiley day to you!”

“All right. We’re done talking in front of you. Let’s go.”

“She’s effective. You’ve just gotta be careful around her.”

“I’m immediately concerned about the creepy ass bitch 40 feet away dripping with goo.”

“Do you want my face to wear off after a few minutes?”

“There is no thinking here tonight.”

“Of all the isms, optimism is the most optimistic!”

“The rat makes sense.”

“Plan A is shit now. It’s Plan B.”

“Does no one crime?!”

“God, I miss cartilage.”

“We hate furniture.”

“So your hobbies are baking cake and covertly protecting the realm from evil. What an odd retirement!”

“Jazz I don’t fuck with.”

“Every once in a while, you need to see the sun rise. It might be that night for me.”

“I’m glad the noise has stopped for you. I’m glad you’re at peace.”

“I get headaches just listening to people chatter out loud. I can only imagine the dumb shit people have rolling around in their heads.”

“Why does everyone think I need so much sandwich?”

“Don’t backseat rope hold.”

“They say that goodbye is the hardest word to say, but it’s not. It’s Worcestershire.”

“That is delightfully fucked up.”

“Well the head got up and the head got hit.”

“Did you kiss them? Did you kiss the beef?”

“Should we get a late lunch before murder?”

“You don’t want to do murder on an empty stomach.”

“What are the chances we’re going to wander into two terrible things in one day?”

“My telekinesis is much stronger than I am.”

“I’d love to see your insides.”

“I thought it was gonna be otters!”

“Inanimate objects! It’s a conspiracy of inanimate objects!”

“You should poke it. We’re pretty sure it’s dead, but there’s only one way to tell.”

“Oh, you’re all sorts of fucking crazy.”

“I’m just saying come correct or get corrected.”

“I don’t want to make this awkward, but I have this group on toy retainer so…”

“You’ll figure it out. I don’t have time to put you through business school, fuck.”

“All of them are going on a date with the cook.”

“That’s got to be a record. We did three clusterfuck break ins in one day.”

“I feel like we resort to the B&E route quite a bit. I feel like we should mix it up.”

“I was going to say it’s Tuesday, but that’s not real.”

“I’m getting my wood’s worth!”

“I’m not disappointed, I’m just angry.”

“How can you make something so nice still sound so creepy?”

“Let’s go do some crime, fuck it.”

“Think of it as a very complicated vacation.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I am appreciative. I’m also gonna fuck off in the morning.”

“You know, I thought I was the king of cagey. What is it about this group?”

“You silly, silly noble.”

“As harsh as the world may seem at times, there are good people out there. It’s easy for them to be drowned out by the noise.”

“Those who are loved are never lost.“

“Those who are loved are never lost… Unless it’s like your keys.”

“You can accomplish anything if you believe in yourself or if you have wealthy parents.”

“Friendship is pastries!”

“I don’t fuck around when it comes to wood.”

“I kinda hate it and I kinda love it, but I mostly hate it.”

“Have you ever, in your entire life, been bumped so hard your ring fell off?”

“Y’all came in with weird energy and you done fucked me up.”

“Paying his debts? In the bathroom? That sounds like a lot of work!”

“I feel like this is a pretty open and shut nightmare.”

“You are a cup.”

“May the hair in your ears never fall out.”

“As you said so yourself in your head probably, we’re a bunch of bumblefucks.”

“When you aggressively whittle wood behind the bench like that, it looks like something else.”

“I’m gonna protect the dead lady.”

“Lick salt, fucker!”

"Anything worth doing, anything really really complicated, should not be done quickly."

“I love other peoples’ problems, please.”

“I feel oddly comforted and it disturbs me.”

“I’ve been up for a while just kind of looking at you.”

“Do you want to eat our face off?”

“You should never have to run into the storm alone.”

“Trees: Nature’s titty tassels.” 

 “If you’re looking for a book repository, we’re in a fucking swamp.” 

“That is so mean and I am so proud of you.” 

“It just turns out I’m really good at killing wood.” 

“Is it cake or is it death?” 

“Who’s Santa now, bitch?” 

“Fuck this haunted house.” 

“I’m a big, shiny rainbow motherfucker right now.” 

“I know where you power down.” 

“Right feels weird.” 

“Did I just mention that because I love it or because we’re contractually obligated to? Maybe both.” 

“I often find a little bit of understanding helps in easing the fear.” 

“Anybody can be grumpy if you work hard enough.” 

“I thought you were a healer. You cut me deep.��� 

“Just cause you have a soul doesn’t mean you know how to use it too good.” 

“It has been nearly two weeks and I have forgotten how extremely strange you all are.” 

“Okay, goodnight, I’ll watch you sleep.”

[teamfreewill2pointo]

Sam’s Emotional Arc 1/3

I hated the finale immediately, but I’ve spent some time with it and talked to friends who loved it. I can see now what it was about, and I’ve come to appreciate the story they were trying to tell, even if I think it didn’t land right.

I’ve been told that my meta on this has helped other people come to terms with the finale, so I thought I’d compile it in one place from across various discord channels and twitter posts. If you are struggling with the finale, I hope it helps you.

Part of this actually started with a shit post. I was making a joke about Sam being psychic since he was scared of clowns when Dean died by one. I realized that may have been deliberate. I dug into the story more and now I’m convinced it was. Then I came across some excellent meta that fit with the themes I was finding and opened up the series even more for me.

Happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.

Cas said it. Dean accepted it. Sam lived it. First, Sam’s journey. 

Clowns pop up in s15 before the barn scene. In 15.01, which was written by Dabb, Sam is injured by a clown. Castiel is able to save Sam and heal his injury. The clown keeps coming after Sam, with Sam having fight scenes with the clown, while others attack the other ghosts. The clown is kicking the shit out of Sam again, and Castiel saves him once more. Sam is unable to fight off the clown on his own both times.

They run until they are able to escape outside a magical barrier. Sam turns to the clown and says, “shut up”. 

This is literally Sam running from his fears. On top of that, this isn’t just any clown, but the ghost of John Wayne Gacy, from an episode also written by Dabb.

Dean: A serial killer clown. I mean, this is, like, the best/worst thing that’s ever happened to you, you know, ‘cause you love serial killers, but – but you hate clowns.

Sam gets nervous and struggles with the lighter before he’s able to get rid of the clown, for now.

I believe this is a metaphor for hunting in general: it’s both the best of Sam’s life and also the worst. The clowns symbolize his relationship with Dean.

Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie was co-written by Dabb (see the pattern?). Sam’s fear of clowns was known since season 2. In season 7, Dabb explored where this fear came from.

On the surface, Sam’s fear is just because he found them creepy, but the episode explains that they actually come from Sam’s fear of being left behind by Dean.

This episode comes directly after an episode where Sam worried that Dean would get himself killed

Sam: Look... Dean, the thing is, tonight... It almost got you killed. Now, I don't care how you deal. I really, really don't. But just don't – don't get killed. Dean: I'll do what I can. Sam: Well, what's that supposed to mean? Dean: It means I'll do what I can. All right? You can shut up about it.

Sam is dealing with Hallucifer at this moment, but Hallucifer doesn’t really scare him. Losing Dean does.

Sam has a conversation with an employee about greatest fears.

Recognize the actress? She came back for s15 in 15.06. I don’t believe this was a coincidence. 15.06 featured Castiel helping a parent find their lost child in a season that features Castiel worried about losing Jack. Through his experience with her, Castiel confronts his fears and doubts and then returns to join in the fight against God. [I’ll touch on Castiel’s journey more in his chapter]

Sam’s greatest fear is losing Dean. There’s a lot in the series about how Sam felt lonely and abandoned for much of his childhood. A whole episode, Just My Imagination, centers around this. Sam hated when Dean went off on hunts without him.

source In The Chitters, Sam tells Dean how his fear of losing his family paralyzed him as child. It’s a story where an older brother dies and the younger brother never recovers from it until he’s able to lay him to rest (sound familiar???)

Sam: You know, whenever you and Dad used to leave me to go hunting, and I-and I wouldn’t hear from y’all for a while, I, um, I was always sure that some vamp or rugaru, or take your pick, I always figured one of them finally got ya. I tried to think what to do, you know, the next step to take. I was just lost. Dean: We came back, though, every time.

You might naturally think, “Wait a minute! Sam left Dean multiple times!” Honestly, this was something I had a huge issue with when watching through the show the first time. I didn’t understand Sam and hated him leaving Dean in s8. I was completely on Dean’s side at first. But, on multiple rewatches and talking to others, I’ve realized that when Sam left Dean, he was running from his fear. In this TV Guide interview, Jared perfectly sums up why Sam left in season 1; he couldn’t stand to see his family die. Dabb wrote Dark Side of the Moon along with a comic that explains why Sam left in detail. While the comic isn’t official canon, it shows Dabb’s thought process. In it, Sam sees his family as running towards a horrible end and can’t handle dealing with that.

Dean: So what are you gonna do? You're just gonna live some normal, apple pie life? Is that it? Sam: No. Not normal. Safe.

There are many more points in the series where we learn about Sam’s fear of Dean dying. This would be 3948573945 pages long if I wrote them all out, so I’m going to focus on the key moments that loop back to this ending, but there’s so much more there.

If you are struggling with this and need more, please let me know and I can do a deeper dive into that subject. We first see Sam’s inability to let Dean go in season 1 when Sam refuses to let Dean die in Faith.

Dean: You're not gonna let me die in peace, are you? Sam: I'm not gonna let you die, period. We're going.

Sam’s whole arc in s3 is him being unable to handle Dean dying. He wants to save Dean, but Dean won’t let himself be saved. This was what Gabriel was trying to teach him in Mystery Spot.

Trickster: This obsession to save Dean? The way you two keep sacrificing yourselves for each other? Nothing good comes out of it. Just blood and pain. Dean's your weakness. And the bad guys know it, too. It's gonna be the death of you, Sam. Sometimes you just gotta let people go.

This is how Ruby gets under Sam’s skin and what gets him to start working with her. Everything Sam did was to save Dean. In s4, Sam’s arc is about him sacrificing himself in order to save Dean. He’s gutted from being unable to save Dean. In 4.12, Sam decides to drink demon blood in order to save Dean

Dean: [says that they will die early] Sam: Maybe we'll be different, Dean. Dean: What kind of Kool-Aid you drinking, man? Sammy, it ends bloody or sad. That's just the life. Sam: What if we could win?Dean: "Win"?Sam: If there was a way we could just...put an end to all of it.

When Sam breaks out of the panic room, he’s suicidal. He’s determined to save Dean with his life as the cost he’s willing to pay. He didn’t think he would survive killing Lilith. He was committing suicide in that moment. The reason why Sam is so willing to sacrifice himself in s5 is because he has low self esteem. He blames himself for everything that goes wrong. In Sam, Interrupted 5.11, also by Dabb, Sam has a breakdown under the weight of his guilt. He hates himself and he feels his rage is out of control. In season 6, we see soulless Sam and, unlike souled Sam, he has no rage. Yes, he’ll kill when necessary, but he’s not angry. It was Sam’s fear driving his rage. He felt out of control of his life and let it lead him down a dark path. In season 7, he sees Dean heading down a dark path and he feels helpless to stop it. He worries about dragging Dean down and tells Dean to let him go. But, at the same time, he’s developing coping techniques. He’s starting to face his fears. 

And then Dean disappears and Sam completely falls apart. Sam didn’t have a healthy relationship with Amelia. They were two broken people clinging to each other. Sam and Dean struggle to reconnect after their time apart. There’s a lot of text addressing the horror of a partner dying and people trying to escape from it.

Mrs Holmes: He could see the end of my days were at hand, and... He had lived centuries all alone, but I don't think he could bear the thought of life without me. That's why he drove off that bridge. You must think I'm a monster.

In Hunteri Heroica written by GUESS WHO!?!? Sam finally acknowledges that he was living in a dream world with Amelia. He was running from his past. We see a flash back with Sam pressing on his scar, which he did to help himself distinguish fantasy from reality.

The episode is about a man refusing to engage in reality and harming those around him. Sam has a big confrontation with him

Sam: Look, it can be nice living in a dream world. It can be great. I know that. And you can hide, and you can pretend... all the crap out there doesn't exist, but you can't do it forever because... eventually, whatever it is you're running from – it'll find you. [CASTIEL appears to be taking Sam’s words to heart.] It'll come along, and it'll punch you in the gut. And then... then you got to wake up, because if you don't, then trying to keep that dream alive will destroy you! It'll destroy everything!

Likewise, when Sam was with Jessica, he wasn’t honest about himself. He was hiding from his family and his past. Running to avoid pain. Sam is avoidant in general. Not just in his relationship with Dean. When he talks with Rowena in 13.12 Various & Sundry Villains about his fears of Lucifer, he admits that he could talk about it with Dean, but he can’t bring himself to.

Sam: I’ve seen it too. What he really looks like behind – behind whatever vessel. It… Yeah, still keeps me up at night. Rowena: How do you deal with it? Sam: I guess I don’t deal with it. Not really. I mean, I pushed it down and, um, the world kept almost ending, so I keep pushing it down, and I don’t know. [stammering] I really don’t talk about it, not even with Dean. I mean, I could. You know, he’d listen, but… That’s not something I really know how to share.

In 15.20, Sam’s past is front and center. Literally. I know a lot of people found the Winchester family portrait odd and upsetting, but it symbolizes something I’ll get to in a bit. Instead of trying to avoid his grief, Sam has moments where he lets it wash over him. He goes and sits in the car. He’s no longer avoidant. He’s no longer running away. He’s letting his grief move through him. He’s literally sitting with it.

Soulless Puppy pointed out that the characters emotional arcs is similar to DBT. Please look through their awesome meta here.

Personally, I see them as similar to the therapy I do called ACT. Both are forms of therapy where instead of fighting against them, you accept painful emotions and allow yourself to feel them. If you don’t do that work, then you can’t stop feeling them and your fears/ghosts will always haunt you.  In Swan Song, Chuck tells us that “Dean didn't want Cas to save him. Every part of him, every fiber he's got, wants to die, or find a way to bring Sam back. But he isn't gonna do either. Because he made a promise.”  In 15.20, Sam initially didn’t want to let Dean go. He’s been refusing to do this since season 1. When he’s separated from Dean he lives a fake life or destroys himself/the world trying to get Dean back. There’s a moment in 15.20 where Sam looks at Dean’s guns. He wants to commit suicide, but he makes the choice to live. For the time in Sam’s life, he let Dean go and lived with his pain. He no longer ran from it. After Swan Song, Dean was unable to let Sam go. He wanted him back. After Carry On, Sam is able to do what Dean couldn’t do. He lives a life outside of Dean. What’s more, Sam has reconciled himself with his past and his family. It’s clumsy and I wish it were better shown, but having the family portrait and their parents in heaven isn’t meant to excuse the way Sam and Dean were raised. In order to move past the trauma of his relationship with his parents, Sam fully integrates them into his life. In Lebanon, Sam was able to confront and forgive his father. In doing so, he can also forgive himself. Mary asks for forgiveness too, and he grants it to her. He doesn’t forget what happened, but he’s able to move forward and leave the intergenerational cycle of violence. He’s able to raise his son, Dean, the way his brother should have been raised.

Happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.

Cas said it. Dean accepted it. Sam lived it.

I can see why people see Sam’s life after Dean as unhappy. I hated it so much because I saw it as horrible and sad the first time through. I had to sit with myself and my emotions first. I think it’s because we’ve been told by society that we have to get rid of our grief in order to be happy. The finale was showing us that it’s possible to do the opposite. [Personally I think it would’ve been better had they showed more overtly happy memories, but many of my friends saw this straight away] When I began therapy, one of the first things I learned was that there aren’t “negative” emotions. When working with our kids, we call them Big emotions. In DBT/ACT, all emotions are treated as normal and natural. Grief, anger, sadness, etc, these are all normal parts of the human existence. We don’t need to run from them in order to have happiness. We can live with them. As interstitial said in our chats, “you can't change the past, you can only change your relationship to it. To accept that your past contained both love and heartache, to miss it, but also know you can do better; that's actual recovery, as good as it gets.” As Soulless-Puppy explained to me, Sam lived in duality. Dean was dead, but Sam lived. Sam was happy, but he grieved. Dean was with him in the watch and the car and his son, but Dean also waited for him in heaven. I hated the finale the first time I saw it, then next watched it with my boyfriend who loved it. As we were watching together and discussing it, I realized that Dean’s death scene wasn’t just about him, but about the show itself. 

Dean promising Sam that he will be with Sam in Sam’s heart is also the show promising us that they will never leave it. That’s why Alex kept posting “The end has no end.” Just as Sam carried Dean with him in his heart, we will carry the show with us. I hope this helps. It’s a terrible thing to feel upset about an ending and thinking of the show this way, recognizing these patterns, is bringing me peace. I still have issues with how it was written, but now that I see what they were doing, I wish all the more that they had the chance to do it right. Please share your thoughts and experiences. I love hearing different opinions. Next up, Dean. Then Castiel.

[krreader]

SEVENTEEN scenario → seeing a foreign reader and being smitten with her.

pairing: seventeen x reader fandom: seventeen warnings: / genre: fluff word count: 1.7k+

a/n: one of the requests that has been sitting in my inbox for a long time, I’m very sorry it took this long, but I hope you like it, my love!

choi seungcheol

As their leader, this wasn't just amazing for him to be here, but to experience his band member's reaction to it.

Billboard Music Awards.

They really did that.

Seungcheol looked around with the biggest smile on his face, when he spotted you. You were on the red carpet, but you weren't a performer. It seemed more like you were one of the staff members working.

Still, Seungcheol continued staring until you finally noticed.

You smiled, brightly so, but he was super embarrassed and looked away, but only for a small moment.

He knew that he couldn't approach you, not here, not when all eyes were on him and his members. But he hoped he had the chance to talk to you later in the evening... when it was, hopefully, only you and him at some point.

yoon jeonghan

Korea was freaking cold right now and he wasn't into that.

He'd much rather be inside, under a blanket and with a bunch of candles burning, than in this freezing cold, waiting for the shoot to finally be over.

But then an angel came.

Quite literally – for him at least.

“Here,” you handed him a steaming hot tea, “You look like you need it.”

From the looks of your uniform, you seemed to be from the nearby café. He had heard that it was a foreign café, but he hadn't thought that foreigners were working in there, since it was usually always Koreans working in these places. Not that it mattered much to him. He still stared at you like an idiot, not grabbing the tea because he was too busy studying your features.

You smiled, but weren't sure what to do.

Thankfully, Joshua saw the situation before it could get even more awkward and grabbed the tea out of your hand with a: “He appreciates it, thank you very much.”

And even when you left, Jeonghan still stared after you.

“Hyung has a crush,” Joshua quickly started teasing.

joshua hong

It was only a two-week break, but Joshua still decided to fly back to L.A. to visit some family and friends.

However, his plans got completely turned upside down when he met you the second day that he was back in L.A.

“Did you guys get a new neighbor?” he asked his cousin as he stared at you getting the groceries out of your car.

“Ah, yeah. Her name's (Y/N). She's super cool, man. You should go and say hi!”

“I don't think that's a good..-” but you already caught him staring and there was no going back anymore. You started smiling and straightened your back, before saying: “Hey, do you guys mind helping me move this inside the house? It's a little heavy.”

But before Joshua could say anything, his cousin already started shoving him towards you with a grin, “My cousin would love to help you.”

wen junhui

Los Angeles truly was the city of angels. That's what he thought when he found you standing next to him, waiting to cross the road with him.

You noticed right away, smiled instantly.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” he smiled back at you, but that's about all he could do.

Maybe you thought that he'd say something else, but he didn't. All he could do was stare. And no, this had nothing to do with the language barrier, this was simply because he was too busy staring and his brain didn’t work properly anymore at that moment.

At first, you were disappointed, especially after the lights turned green and you crossed the road, but when you felt someone's hand on your shoulder, you smiled once again.

“I'm... Junhui. And... you?”

kwon soonyoung

This was their last night here, they'd be flying back tomorrow morning.

And of course, this had to be the night where he found someone that he'd love nothing more than to talk to.

Your friend that you were at dinner with had noticed him staring, whispered something into your ear and then got up, walking straight towards Soonyoung.

“She's interested too,” is what she whispered to him before leaving.

And when Soonyoung looked back at you, you were smiling at him.

It might have only been one night, but it was.. one of the best nights he's ever had, hands down.

jeon wonwoo

At first, Wonwoo hadn't even seen you. He was busy paying for his Americano, but when he heard someone speak English next to him, he instantly raised his head, just out of curiosity.

And boy, did he not regret that decision.

You were downright beautiful, glowing, almost. You seemed happy, conversed with the lady at the counter with ease, despite the language barrier between you two.

And when you noticed and smiled back at him, it was completely over for him.

“Uhm.. excuse me?” the lady holding out his cash asked for the third time, after he hadn't heard the first two times, because he was too busy staring into your eyes.

He blushed like crazy.

But you thought it was really endearing. That is actually why you ran after him and were courageous enough to ask him for his number.

lee jihoon

This was... an unusual sight, to say the least.

Jihoon was pretty sure that he knew every single staff member in this company by now, but he definitely would have seen you around before. You had to be new.

“Who is she?” he asked his manager as they were waiting for the elevator to come.

“Ah, that's (Y/N). She's from (Y/H/C). One of the higher-ups thought she'd be a good addition.”

“Who.. who is she going to work with?” he was still staring and when you noticed and smiled, walking towards him, he started to panic a little, “Manager? Who.. who is she going to work with?”

But when he turned around, the manager was already gone and when he was face to face with you, you said: “Hi! You must be Jihoon? I heard you and I are going to be working together from now on!” well, he got his answer.

lee seokmin

Seokmin was standing outside of a café, waiting for the rest of his members to come out, when he noticed this really cute bookstore right next to it.

Originally, he only wanted to check out the books, but then was way more fascinated with who he found standing inside the shop.

He was staring, not even trying to hide it and even when you noticed, he didn't stop, merely smiled like you did.

“Should we.. tell him we're done?” one of the others asked when they got out and saw him having this... connection.

“No, he'll be fine. Let him enjoy this.”

kim mingyu

Mingyu was confident in himself when it came down to looks, if he wanted to, he could probably sweep any lady off her feet in a matter of seconds.

However, no matter how good looking he was, his English skills were lacking and whereas he would have approached you within a minute if you were in Korea, he now just stared at you with an open mouth, too afraid to talk to you because he wouldn't be able to express what he wanted to say to you.

But maybe that was okay.

Because when you noticed him staring, you smiled. Not shyly, but almost in a welcoming matter. That smile gave him the confidence that he needed to walk over to you after all and even though it wasn't easy, he still managed to have a conversation with you and, even better, score a date with you later tonight.

xu minghao

You might think that doing something like this on tour was boring, but during a stressful time such as this one, this relaxed Minghao the most.

Just sitting in a café, watching people, and reading a book. Especially when it was a foreign café as small as this one, when he was sure that nobody would notice or care about him. He could just be himself.

“Excuse me? Here's your order,” you placed it on the table in front of him, but hesitated when Minghao continued staring at you. You smiled a little, though unsure, “Is.. everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he shook his head, then started laughing about himself, “Thank you.”

Oh, he was in deep shit.

“Everything is great, actually,” he added with a happy smile.

boo seungkwan

Originally, Seungkwan had planned on watching all the drama episodes that he had previously downloaded onto his phone, but then you ended up sitting next to him on the plane and there was nothing else he could focus on except for you.

And, honestly, it was a little creepy, to say the least. Because he wasn't even trying to pretend like he wasn't staring.

In the end, you turned your head and smiled a little, “Excuse me, but can I... help you?”

“Oh, sorry!” he quickly said, “You're pretty,” but when he smiled so endearingly, all you could do was giggle.

And that is how the conversation began.

hansol vernon choi

Vernon was downright amazed by you.

They were having this really cool shoot at the beach today and you and a couple of friends were playing Volleyball at a nearby net.

It wasn't even that you were really good at it – and if you were, he just couldn't focus on that, because he was busier noticing other things – but your energy made him want to get up and play with you.

One of your friends must have noticed, because she whispered something in your ear and a moment later you turned around and stared right back.

He thought about quickly turning around and pretending like he hadn't just stared at you for about ten minutes, but was glad that he didn't when you started waving him over.

In the end, him and a few of his band members ended up joining you guys for a match during their break and he ended up with more than just your name.

lee chan

Seungkwan and him were out for dinner, just the two of them after a busy and stressful day.

And it was nice, you know? He got good food, had a little bit to drink... it was just.. nice.

And then it became even better when two girls sat down at the table next to them, one of them being you, and Chan nearly spit out his drink because he really hadn't expected to see someone this pretty tonight and definitely not a foreigner in this traditional restaurant in the depths of Seoul.

You instantly started giggling, even more so when Chan quickly wiped his mouth and then continued smiling.

And so what started out as a dinner for two, ended up with the four of you having an incredibly fun night together, laughing, eating and drinking.

And... a bit more for you and Chan.

[pollylynn]

Title: Sneaking Suspicion WC: 1000 Episode: Secret’s Safe With Me (5 x 03)

Guessing games have always been a thing with them. Well, they’ve always been a thing with him. She has not always been an enthusiastic participant. She has, at various phases of their relationship, threatened him with banishment, with bodily harm, with unleashing Lanie on him.  That’s why it’s such surprise to find that she is an enthusiastic participant now. She has been for a while, and in this new . . . hand-shaking era, she’s inclined to think about why that is. That surprises her, too, because she has pointedly been not thinking about why things are for so long.

But tonight, she’s mostly going to leave him to his own devices. She’s going to give him a little bit of space to do his moping and mourning, and that leaves her evening mostly free for some contemplation. So she finds herself contemplating guessing games. 

She starts with some unpleasant history—his cold reading on that first case. She remembers, even now, the surge of absolutely fury that rose up in her. She remembers thinking that his very existence was a hideous invasion of her privacy and her certainty that she would hate him until the end of time. But she also remember the absolutely disconcerting moment, not all that long after,  when he noticed her dad’s watch, when he guessed wrong and she found herself . . . disappointed in several different directions at once. Because he had guessed wrong. Because she had—at least for a blip of a second—wanted him to guess right. 

There’ve been a host of episodes over the years. She’s sure he has a catalog of them somewhere. It’s a thought that’s both sweet and creepy, which is sort of the vibe of their long-running guessing game—is black tie a problem for her? does she have a secret boyfriend? what would she do if she won the lottery, and what isn’t she telling him about her days in vice, her familiarity with custom leather gear and Dungeon Alley, her kinky past, which may or may not have been boxed up? 

There’s a theme that runs through every episode, right up to this one with her friend, the stickman. There’s a predictable emotional trajectory on her part, because there’s still that knee-jerk fury that kicks things off. There’s still the white roar that fills her head as she bites back the urge to hiss a warning that she’s a private person. And then there’s the thrill, when her breath’s a little hard to come by and her heart stutters against her ribs, because she loves a challenge, always. But the best part is the whoa factor—that moment of genuine enlightenment. 

Because he never just learns something about her when they’re playing the guessing game. He tells her something about herself—that she looks fucking amazing in a corset-back gown, that the symbols she wears, of her mom, of her dad, are heavy, and it lightens the load to tell someone else about it, that there are a million ways to honor her mother that aren’t about her murder. She always learns something 

The stickman is a special case. It’s their first real episode of the hand-shaking era, and it starts out the same. She catches him going through her drawers—literally for once—and she’s annoyed. She’s a little deer-in-headlights, because he’s answered her phone and Lanie is already hounding her about the glow, the difference, the whatever. And she sees him with the stickman in his hand and she wants to snatch it away. She does snatch it away, and the white roar of private wins for just a second. 

But he weathers it. He hangs around through the roar, because God knows there is nothing she can do to fend him off when his nosy mode has been activated. He guesses and guesses again and she throws down the gauntlet, because she’s caught up in the thrill. She’s waiting for the whoa. And it comes. It has a surprise in store for her, but it comes. 

She learns something about herself, like always. She remembers the day with her dad—really remembers it as she calls up the story to tell him. There is the feel of somber new shoes pinching her toes and the run in her nylons. There is the sway of the train and her dad’s arm tight around her shoulders, the warmth of his tears pooling where her forehead pressed against his jaw. She remembers that he was present early on and that the worst came much later than she’s allowed herself to remember for a long time. She learns that she has simplified the story in destructive, self-isolating ways. So, yes, se learns something about herself. 

But she learns something about him this time, That’s the real surprise. Because he is wiling to concede the match. He is willing to cower, just this once, in the face of the roar. I thought about what you said, he’d begun, and what came next might have been the sexiest string of words that have I ever come out of his mouth. Well, not really, but still . . .

She’s learned something about him—something crucial in the hand-shake era. He’s wiling to retire the guessing game. He’s willing to lean in and listen when she’s ready to tell a story. He’s prepared to trust that she’ll want to tell him stories, and just as has tonight, he’ll have good questions, smart questions, teachable questions at the ready. But he’s willing to retire the game. 

But she’s not. That’s what she decides. Because she’s left him to his own devices for long enough, and it’s time for the promised phone call. That’s what she decides. So she dials. She doesn’t even wait for him to say her name. She jumps right into the game: Hey, Castle. Called to see what piece of Alexis memorabilia you’re fixating on while you mope. Wait. Don’t tell me. Let me guess. 

A/N: The lack of morphousness of things bigger than a bread box. 

images via homeofthenutty

[caranfindel]

Recap/review 15.20: “Carry On”

I’ll warn you right now - I did not hate it.

THEN: Chuck loses. Jack is God. The Winchesters are finally free.

NOW: Friends, get ready for a whole lot of fan service in the next few minutes. It's like TPTB have been reading everything we say and giving us what we want.

As a song about "ordinary life" plays, Dean's retro alarm clock goes off at 8:00. He shuts it off and sits up so we can see he's wearing a henley shirt (fan service points: 1). As he stretches, he's greeted by Miracle the dog (fan service points: 2)! Who is apparently his dog and definitely not Sam's!

But it's okay because LOOK AT THEM.

Meanwhile, Sam is running (fan service points: 3) and enjoying the beautiful day. When he gets home, he cooks (fan service points: 4) the same dry scrambled eggs that Stevie made for Charlie. Dean wanders in, wearing the dead guy robe, just as two slices of toast pop out of the toaster. I am not giving the robe any points because I don't think it's anything we all publicly long for and get excited about when it comes up, but I am willing to consider any opposing arguments. Sam, wearing just a t-shirt (5 points), tells Dean "it's hot" and I say mmm, yes it is. Dean adorably burns his hands on the hot toast and then brushes his teeth. You know what, I think the robe deserves a point after all. We're up to 6.

And we're not even two minutes into the episode.

And then they JUST KEEP COMING because Sam walks in, exposing his tattoo (7) because he's SHIRTLESS (8), scrubbing at his WET HAIR (9) with a towel, and I curse The Husband for deciding to watch with me because it means it would be kind of awkward to rewind and watch this a few more times. There's not even any dialog I can pretend I didn't catch.

I was NOT PREPARED FOR THIS.

He pulls on the grey v-neck t-shirt of sex (10) and proceeds to carefully make his bed. Dean, meanwhile, kind of sloppily throws his bed together and calls it done. Domestic Winchesters for 11 fan service points, please. Part of me feels like Dean's messy room is OOC, considering how proud he was to have his own room in the first place. But then I have to consider the trunk of the Impala, especially when compared to the hyper-organized neatness of her trunk when Sam's all alone in Mystery Spot, and it feels right. (Why am I thinking about Sam being all alone in Mystery Spot? NO REASON, NO REASON AT ALL.)

Sam's hair in his face while he makes his bed? Yes, please (12 points).

Dean washes the breakfast dishes (13), sneaking some leftover (because they were nasty) eggs to Miracle and looking around to make sure Sam doesn't see, because obviously Sam's going to be the one who doesn't want the dog to get table scraps. Sam put on a plaid shirt earlier, but we see him in the laundry room back down to one v-neck t-shirt (thank you Jack). He's reading as his laundry tumbles in the dryer, and he has to kick the dryer once to stop it from making noise, which I guess is why he's in there babysitting it. I keep reading on Tumblr that people want "at least one laundry scene," as if that didn't exist in The Monster at the End of This Book, but here's your laundry scene, friends. You were right to want it; it is marvelous (14).

Just look at that collection of plaid shirts and tell me it doesn't make you happy.

Dean times himself assembling a gun, complete with plenty of hand closeups (15) and then sits in the library with Miracle, scratching his ears (Miracle's, not his own) and apparently looking for a case. Sam comes in and joins them. He hasn't found anything, but Dean gets a serious look on his face and says "I got something."

Spoiler alert: It is my heart.

Title card!

The Impala pulls to a stop and the guys get out, still with serious looks on their faces. Oddly, the episode title flashes on screen really quickly. Or maybe it's just me. "Sure you're ready for this?" says Sam. "Oh, I don't have a choice," answers Dean. "This is my destiny." And that is exactly how I felt about watching this episode, friends. Not ready, but no choice. The camera pans to show that the boys are at the 43rd Annual Akron Pie Fest. In Akron, Iowa? Just north of Sioux City? Five hour drive? Say hi to Jody and the girls while you're there? Probably not. Probably in Akron, Ohio, almost 16 hours away.

(NO ONE CARES. STOP IT.)

Give me a break. This might be the last time I ever get to calculate driving time.

Anyway. Just pies! Nothing serious! Whew, I was concerned for a second. Dean is emotional.

This is just so beautiful.

Are you crying?

What? No. You're crying, I'm not.

No one is crying. There is no reason for ANYONE to cry.

Sam sits on a bench and watches happy pie eating families (sob). Dean returns with a giant box with six slices of pie (16 points). He sits next to Sam, and they have this conversation:

What's wrong?

Nothing. I'm fine.

Nah, come on, I know that face. That's Sad!Sam face.

I'm not Sad!Sam. I just. I'm thinking about Cas, you know? Jack. If they could be here.

Yeah, I know, I think about them too. You know what, that pain's not gonna go away, right? But if we don't keep living, then all that sacrifice is going to be for nothing.

Dean's right, Sam. Do not be sad. We will have no Sad!Sam tonight. Live your life, or else those sacrifices are wasted. (ahem.) Sam responds by pushing a slice of pumpkin pie into Dean's face. "I've wanted to do that for a very long time," he laughs. "You're right, I do feel better!" Dean scraping the pie off his face and eating it is pretty adorable.

I'd pay good money to lick that off his face. And not just because I love pumpkin pie.

Not quite 6 minutes in and we're up to at least 16 guaranteed bits of pure fan service. Just sweet, domestic Winchester brothers living their lives. How long has this been going on? I've decided it's been at least a year since the last episode. Maybe longer. A good long time. Lots of time for them to enjoy their newfound freedom. But right now things are getting dark. Because it's nighttime, and because I think somebody's about to die.

A mom sends two young brothers upstairs for bathtime. They pause when the doorbell rings. No one seems to be there, but then the dad is stabbed by people wearing creepy masks. The boys run into their room and hide. From their room, we hear the mom scream, and then a thump. One of the masked guys comes into the room and, after a fake-out when we think they might be safe, drags the boys out from under the bed.

So, domestic life in the bunker and then a hunt? Wow. We're getting it all. What a great episode, full of the things we love.

Is this Becky Rosen's living room?

Daytime. Agents Kripke and Singer (ugh, really? Kripke is good, but how about honoring someone other than the current regime?) show up at the scene. They learn that the dad's blood was drained, the mom is alive but her tongue was ripped out (wow), and the kids were taken. The mom drew a picture of the masks they wore, which the brothers recognize.

In a lovely, picturesque spot, the guys flip through John's journal. And I didn't realize we hadn't seen the journal in a while, but Tumblr informs me many of us were exicted to see it again, so boom. 17 points.

You know what this is? Mimes. Evil mimes.

Yeah. Or vampires.

VampMIMES. Son of a bitch!

Dean comes up with a silly portmanteau name for a monster? That will be 18 points. Sam determines the vamps will be heading for Canton if they follow their pattern, and the victims are families who live on the outskirts of town with children between the ages of five and ten. Well, that couldn't be too difficult to narrow down in a city with a population of over 70,000.

I'll handwave it. The lip biting. You’re welcome.

Night. Canton, I presume. Two masked vamps get out of a van. One of them gets decapitated by Dean. The other is shot in the leg, and then the head, by Sam. Well, he's a vampire, so of course it didn't kill him, but the bullet was soaked in dead man's blood. {Sidebar: "Soaked?" Dipped, maybe, but do you soak metal? Discuss.} They ask where the missing kids are, and the vamp is all, you're gonna let me go if I tell you? "No," Dean explains, adorably disappointed that the vamp isn't a mime after all. "This isn't a you walk out of here kind of situation. But see, if you tell us quick, you get this." He displays his bloody machete. "But if you take your time, you get, you get that." And "that" is a switchblade which Sam casually pops open right on cue.

Yeah, I'll take that. I'll take that itty bitty one.

It's a bad choice.

You see, this, this is quick. It's clean, you know? No muss, no fuss. You blink and you're dead.

But a blade this small, I'm gonna have to keep sawing and sawing to get your head off. And you'll feel it. Every muscle, tendon. Every inch. Could take hours.

Oh, and if those kids are dead? He's gonna use a spoon.

GUYS. I said it before and I’ll say it again. I absolutely love when they remind us that Sam Winchester, that sweet boy with the huge heart and the endless supply of empathy and the puppy dog eyes, I love it when they remind us that he is a fucking psycho when he needs to be. I'm not going to give it a point, because I don't think it's anything we've asked for, but again I'm willing to hear all arguments. Especially if they come with detailed examples of Sam going psycho. Just for evidence, you know.

Just casually talkin' bout torturing you to death. No big.

The vampire wisely decides to reveal the location of the nest where the kids are being held. Next we see the Impala pulling up in front of some kind of barn. The guys open the trunk to get their gear out, and Dean pulls out a throwing star. "Come on. One time." Sam says no. There will be plenty of other times for Dean to use his throwing stars, I'm sure.

The guys enter the barn and find it apparently empty, although we see masked vamps peeking at them from outside. They find the kids locked in a closet, but four vampires appear before they can escape. They shoo the boys outside and shoot the vampires with their dead man's blood bullets from a safe distance. No, they don't. Why? I got no goddamn idea.

{Sidebar: At some point during this fight, I realized they hadn't played "Carry On Wayward Son" at the beginning. And that we got a regular montage, not a season finale extended montage.}

Sam gets knocked unconscious, and Dean loses his machete and then gets pinned by a couple of vamps. But they don't kill him; they just hold him down while an unmasked vampire strolls in. Dean recognizes her from season 1, and pretends not to notice Sam's now-conscious hand surreptitiously creeping toward his machete. Suddenly the vampire loses her head, because Sam is behind her, and the fight starts up again. Dean gets thrown into a wall right next to a big metal spike, which we focus on oddly. And then he gets thrown onto the spike. Oops. Sam kills the last of the vamps and doesn't notice Dean's predicament. He's all, cool, fight's over, let's go get those kids out of here. "Sam," Dean says, "I don't think I'm going anywhere."

Dean tells Sam there's something stuck in his back and it "feels like it's right through me." He keeps touching his chest as if he expects to feel it poking through. Sam reaches around to touch his back and his hand comes back bloody, and if that gives you All Hell Breaks Loose feels, there's a good reason. Sam tries to pull Dean off the spike, but Dean stops him. "It feels like this thing's holding me together right now." Sam's starting to panic and so am I. He wants to go get the first aid kid and call for help, but Dean stops him. And y'all, I'm just gonna have to type the whole thing out.

Sam, Sam. Stay with me. Please, stay with me, please.

Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Uh. Right. All right, listen to me. Um. You get those boys and you get them someplace safe, all right?

Dean? WE are gonna get them somewhere safe.

No. You knew it was always gonna end like this for me. It was supposed to end like this, right? I mean, look at us. Saving people, hunting things, it's what we do.

Stop, Dean, just stop

It's okay. It's okay. it's good. It's good. We had one hell of a ride, man.

I will find away, okay? I will find another way.

No. No. No, no no no no. No bringing me back, okay? You know that always ends bad.

Dean, please.

I'm fading pretty quick, so, there's a few things I need you to hear. Come here. Let me look at you. There he is. I am so proud of you, Sam. You know that? I've always looked up to you. Remember when we were kids, you were so damn smart. You never took any of Dad's crap. I never knew how you did that. And you're stronger than me. You always have been. Hey, did I ever tell you, that night that I came for you when you were in school? You know, when dad hadn't come back from his hunting trip?

Uh, the woman in white.

The woman in white, that's right. I must have stood outside your door for hours, cause I didn't know what you would say. I thought you'd tell me to get lost, or get dead. And I didn't know what I would have done if I didn't have you. Cause I was so scared. I was scared. Cause when it all came down to it, it was always you and me. It's always been you and me.

Then don't leave me. Don't leave me. I can't do this alone.

Yes you can.

Well, I don't want to.

Hey. I'm not leaving you. I'm gonna be with you. Right here. Every day. Every day you're out there, and you're living, and you're fighting, cause you, you always keep fighting. You hear me? I'll be there, every step. I love you so much. My baby brother. Well, I did not think this would be the day. But it is, it is, and that's okay. I need you, I need you to promise me. I need you to tell me that it's okay. I need you to tell me it's okay. Look at me. I need. I need. I need you to tell me it's okay. Tell me it's okay.

Dean. It's okay. You can go now.

Bye, Sam.

NO, IT IS NOT OKAY. THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF OKAY.

And of course I haven't described Sam's face as he understands what's happening, Dean's occasional spasms of pain, the handholding, the fucking FOREHEAD TOUCH, the tears, the way Dean's hand drops away, the way Sam's hands shake as he clutches his dead brother (hello, AHBL again).

Maybe we just need to watch it.

Gifs borrowed from @jaredandjensen​.

And there's also the Always Keep Fighting shoutout, the "I love you," Dean calling Sam his "baby brother," the "I can't do this alone/Yes you can/Well I don't want to" parallel with 1.01. Infinite points, friends. I can't count that high.

(Things not to think about: Sam putting Dean's body in the back seat, and then putting the two young brothers in the front and driving them to safety. Sam driving 15 hours back to Lebanon with his brother's body. Do not think about these things.)

Aftermath. Sam and Miracle, and no one else, are giving Dean a hunter's funeral. And I know Covid means Sam couldn't have any friends there, but also? This is kind of perfect. Sam facing it alone. The song we hear as Sam lights his brother's pyre is "Brothers in Arms" by Dire Straits, in case you're not emotionally wrecked yet.

Yeah, I'm already there, thanks anyway.

Next we see Sam's slightly more modern alarm going off at 8:00. Note that Sam gets up later now, because at the beginning of the episode, he had already gone for a run and was cooking breakfast when Dean woke at 8:00. But now there's no one to cook for so he doesn't need to get back early and I AM NOT OKAY.

ANYWAY.

Sam gets up and faces his lonely day. He cooks eggs. One piece of toast pops up. He sits in the library with Miracle and looks at the names carved into the table. He wanders the halls with his dog at his side. (SAM HAVING A DOG WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE HIM HAPPY. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE US HAPPY. HOW DARE YOU.)

{Sidebar: Has Sam ever had a dog when he wasn't at a low point in his already-low life? Discuss.}

Eventually he finds himself at the door to Dean's room. The room is just as Dean left it, kind of messy, kind of very full of Dean. He sits on Dean's bed and pets the dog and cries and it should come as a surprise to absolutely no one that I am ROLLING AROUND IN ALL OF THIS BEAUTIFUL PAIN.

No one at all.

@annianvi thinks he’s wearing Dean’s hoodie when he cooks his sad lonely breakfast? Could it be?

Sam hears a phone buzzing in Dean's desk. He digs out the one labeled "Dean's other other phone" and answers. The caller asks for "Agent Bon Jovi" and says he's had some bodies turn up without hearts in Austin. "A friend of mine, Donna Hanscum, said you were the one to call." Oooh, are we sending him to Austin? Is Walker, Texas Ranger just going to be another fake name and fake badge? Now that's how you do a spinoff!

{Sidebar: Does Donna know about Dean? Did Sam tell anyone yet? Is the trying to get him out of the bunker and keep him busy? If so, wouldn't she have given the guy Sam's number, not Dean's other other phone? But maybe it's someone she talked to weeks ago. Discuss.}

Sam tells the caller he is on his way, and we see him with a packed bag, heading out of the bunker with Miracle. He turns to look one last time and then turns off all the lights. We haven't seen the bunker this dark since the day they found it. I don't think he's ever coming back. Goodbye, bunker. I know some people hated you, but I was not one of them. {Sidebar: Did he give the bunker key to anyone? Surely he wouldn't want all those resources to go to waste!}

So, I guess the episode title refers to Sam having (choosing?) to carry on after he loses his brother. THIS IS FINE.

Now we're back at Dean's pyre, and this time we drift up with the smoke. We catch up with Dean, outdoors, in a lovely setting with trees and birds. "Well, at least I made it to Heaven," he says. "Yep," someone answers. It's Bobby! Real Bobby, not AU Bobby! Dean's actually standing next to a building - a cabin, maybe - and Bobby is sitting on the porch.

What memory is this?

It ain't, ya idjit.

Yeah it is. Cause the last I heard, you, you were in in Heaven's lockup.

Was. Now I'm not. That kid of yours, before he went wherever, made some changes here. Busted my ass out. And then he, well, set some things right. Tore down all the walls. Heaven ain't just reliving your golden oldies any more. It's what it always should have been. Everyone happy, everyone together. Rufus lives about five miles that way. With Aretha. Thought she'd have better taste. And your mom and dad, they got a place over yonder. It ain't just Heaven, Dean. It's the Heaven you deserve. And we been waiting for you.

So Jack did all that.

Well, Cas helped. It's a big new world out there. You'll see.

So, I guess Cas made it out of the Empty? Dean smiles at that, but doesn't suggest finding him or anything. I approve. Bobby pulls out a couple of beers (the green cooler made it into Heaven!!!) and they share some bad beer. Dean comments that Heaven is "almost perfect," and Bobby knows EXACTLY what's missing, because of course he does. "He'll be along. Time up here, it's different. You got everything you could ever want, or need, or dream. So I guess the question is, what are you gonna do now, Dean?" Well, Dean doesn't have everything he could ever want or need, but he does see one thing - Baby. With her Kansas plates! Friends, that's two things I requested before the end that I didn't think I would ever see: a forehead touch, and Baby wearing her original plates. Thank you, Jack.

Dean's face lights up. "I think I'll go for a drive." As he walks to his car, we see the cabin is actually Harvelle's Roadhouse, albeit smaller, I think. Dean settles into his car and says "Hey, Baby" and when he turns her on, "Carry On Wayward Son" begins to play.

I know he looks good in Purgatory, but DAMN if he don't look fine in Heaven, too.

We cut to the name Dean, which is embroidered on - a little boy's overalls. Sam's little boy. Oh, wow. I was not prepared for this. Sam has a son named Dean, and we switch back and forth between Dean driving through Heaven and scenes of Sam's life with his son and his mysterious, barely-seen wife. She has long dark hair, and I'd like to point out that she could easily be either Eileen or Dr. Cara Roberts. Just saying. Sam's house is full of family photos, including the one of him and Dean from his memory box and a new one from the episode Lebanon. I never thought about the fact that they might have actually taken a photo, and if they did, would it still be around after Sam smashed the pearl? Well, obviously, yes. We see Sam throwing a ball with his son, helping him with his homework (Sam in glasses? Check!) and just obviously really loving this kid and giving him the childhood he never had. We also see a really, really unfortunate grey wig that I refuse to screencap. You're welcome. As aging Sam sits in the hundred-year-old car in his garage, his dead brother drives happily along dirt roads in Heaven, and I'd prefer my Heaven have paved roads, thanks.

We end in Sam's house, now complete with hospital bed. Sam could be in his 80s or even 90s, which means he could have lived another 50 years, more or less, after Dean died. His son doesn't look any older than his 20s or 30s (and also looks vaguely South Asian to me), and I wonder how old Sam was when he finally let himself have a family. Remember when Dean said his happy ending was for Sam to have kids and get old? Well, he got it, finally. Did Sam get a regular job? Did he keep hunting? We don't know. What we do know is that his son has a anti-possession tattoo. Some people have taken this to mean young Dean is a hunter, but I don't think we can jump to that conclusion. It could just be 1) Dean wanted a tattoo like his father's, or b) Sam knows there are still demons out there and that his son would naturally be a target, hunter or not.

All right, I had to screencap teary-eyed Sam grasping the steering wheel and reliving his years with his brother in this car, so we can just pretend we don't see The Wig, okay?

Sam's evidently in hospice care. Or maybe we'll all have hospital beds in our houses in 50 years. Who knows. His son sits on the bed and takes his hand. Sam smiles at him, and Dean says "Dad, it's okay. You can go now." PARALLELLS! As some woman sings "Carry On Wayward Son" for whatever reason (why didn't they use the lovely a cappella version they already had from Fan Fiction?), Sam places his hand on Dean's and takes his last breath.

{Sidebar: Where is Sam's wife in all of this? Divorced? Already dead? She doesn't seem to be in the family pictures, so I'm going with divorced. Discuss.}

Heaven. Oh, guys. I've done this rewatch without tearing up at all but I'm about to tip over. The Impala pulls onto a bridge. Dean gets out. (Now your life's no longer empty, surely Heaven waits for you.) He stands at the bridge railing, enjoying Heaven, smiling. And then he feels something and he smiles even more because he knows it's Sam. Oh god, Jensen did such a good job here. Just this fucking smile killed me dead. "Hey, Sammy," he says. He turns and there is Sam, wearing the same outfit he wore in 1.01 (they both are, but Sam's is a bigger departure from his later years). Why? I don't know. But I know it means Sam Winchester is spending eternity in something that isn't a plaid shirt. How do we feel about that?

"Dean," Sam says. They face each other and smile, and it's the smile of we just survived a hunt I didn't think we'd survive or our son just overpowered God or something along those lines. Then they embrace, and I love the way Sam hesitates just a little before clapping a hand on Dean's back. Like he's afraid it isn't really happening, and he doesn't want to break the illusion. I also love that Dean, as always, takes the top (oh, get your minds out of the gutter) and hugs as if he were taller than Sam. Then Dean puts his hand on the back of Sam's neck and turns him to admire the view and he has this joyous smile like now, this is FINALLY Heaven. And he gazes at Sam like look, Sammy, look what we did. Look what we get. The lack of dialog in this scene is just ~chef's kiss~. The camera goes wide and we see the three main characters, Sam and Dean and Baby, enjoying the Heaven they deserve.

I would like to know where they filmed this, because it's gorgeous even without the Winchesters.

Did Sam's entire life go by in the span of Dean's drive? Or did Dean just decide he'd drive until his brother arrived, no matter how long it took? And how much do I love the fact that he could have gone and visited his parents but instead he said "nah, I'll drive around and wait for Sam?" SO MUCH, PEOPLE. SO MUCH.

Also, can we talk about the fact that Sam didn't know what to expect in Heaven? I mean, Ash said they were soulmates and would share a Heaven, but why would he believe that? And he might have even still believed he'd have a hard time getting into Heaven. What a relief it must have been to show up on Dean's bridge.

And then Jared and Jensen thank us. You're welcome, boys. Thank you.

So. Thursday night I was mildly positive about the episode. But on rewatch, I'm extremely positive. Sure, I would have loved the Six Feet Under ending where we see everyone's fate. And maybe that would have happened if not for Covid. But I'm just relieved we didn't get the Game of Thrones or How I Met Your Mother endings. I'm not sure this current cohort could have done better, honestly. Sam wanted a normal family life. Dean wanted Sam to have a normal family life. But Sam was never going to stop hunting as long as Dean was hunting. And Dean wasn't going to stop hunting as long as he was alive. Dean got the end he wanted/expected and the Heaven he earned (and Sam caring for Jack was directly responsible for Heaven's improvements). Sam got to live a normal life and have a family. As I said earlier, I suspect his marriage didn't last. (Or maybe he and Eileen or Cara got married for insurance purposes, and happily co-parented little Dean, but knew they weren't each other's one true love.) But I actually prefer that. Dean loved Sam more than he loved anyone. Sam loved Dean the same way. I'm glad Sam got to have a child (who he loves as much as his brother, but in a different way), but I don't want Sam and Dean to share their Heaven with Sam's wife.

Now, would I have done Dean's death differently? Yes. I did appreciate that they had him upright, so the brothers were face to face, just like AHBL. But being impaled on a spike was just less dramatic that I would have liked. I would have preferred that Sam immediately see his brother was dying, instead of Dean having to explain it to him. Dean could have had his jugular torn, slowly bleeding out, and still been on his knees (held up by Sam, hell yes) making his deathbed speech. And then I wouldn't have thought "would an ambulance be here by now if you'd called them?" halfway through it.

{Sidebar: What if Sam had fed Dean some blood from one of the dead vamps. Wouldn't that have kept him undead long enough to get fixed up, and then they could have done the vampire cure? Discuss.}

I know some people are very unhappy about the finale. Honestly, from what I can tell, most of those people are hard-core Destiel shippers. And I guess they wanted, as they always do, for the Dean and Castiel relationship to be more important than the Dean and Sam relationship. Sorry, guys, that was never gonna happen. In the end, it came down to the epic love story of Sam and Dean, just as it should have.

So, I'm sad and I'm happy. I'm bereft and I'm full. I miss my boys, but my boys will always be with me. I hope you guys will be with me for a long time, too.

[collecting-stories]

Bay Breeze - ep. 04 - Rafe Cameron

Summary: A good day takes a bad turn. 

A/N: Chapter 4 rewrite...hopefully I’ll get the last two chapters out too.

Holiday in the Sun Masterlist | Outer Banks Masterlist

“Rafe!” Ward’s voice traveled through the door in something of a harsh whisper followed by a quick rap at the door.  

You pressed your lips against Rafe’s shoulder and closed your eyes, trying not to make too much noise as Ward called through the door once more. Ward’s pounding on the door had startled you awake first and, once you realized where you were, you had woken Rafe though he seemed far less bothered. The last thing you needed was his dad coming in to find the two of you in his bed.  

“Rafe, let’s go! Everyone else is already awake and ready!”  

“I’ll be right there!” Rafe promised, the volume of his voice so early in the morning a little shocking to your system.  

“Where are you going at,” you rolled away to look at your phone on the bedside table, “4:30?” You and Rafe might not’ve known too much about each other but you were fairly certain that nothing about him screamed morning person.

“Fishing.”  

“God I hate your family,” you groaned as he pulled you back into him, shifting so that you were beneath him. You tried not to laugh as he pressed kisses into your collarbone and neck, all the way up to your mouth, “stop, you have to go remember?”

As if you had timed it with him, Ward called through the door again, “Rafe!”

“Fuck.” Rafe cursed, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against yours. He wanted to will his dad away, to prolong the best thing that had happened to him since the last time they took a family trip. If he could have just five more minutes.

You tilted your head back enough that you could kiss him, brushing away longer pieces of his hair that fell in his eyes and moving your hand to hold the back of his neck. Rafe kissed you back eagerly, tongue running along your bottom lip before he bit down on it gently, pulling on your lip as he pulled away.  

“I’ll see you later?”

You nodded, humming as he rolled off the bed and hurried to get dressed. Once he was gone, you got out of bed, grabbing your clothes off the ground and slipping them back on before sneaking across the hall to your bedroom. You doubted anyone would think much of finding you wandering around the house except that you were wearing the same outfit you’d been in at dinner and you were leaving Rafe’s room. That would definitely raise a few eyebrows, not to mention it would out Topper and Sarah as sharing a room.  

It wasn’t until you were back in your bedroom, changed into actual pajamas, that you realized you had forgotten your phone in Rafe’s room. It was still sitting where you left it on the nightstand. You could leave it and chance going in when everyone was awake or go back in now. You got out of bed and snuck back into his room, swiping your phone off the nightstand.

“Rafe went fishing with the guys.” Wheezie piped up from behind you and you jumped, turning to the door to find her standing there with the flashlight from her phone shining into the dark room.

“I know,” you replied, “I was just coming t get my phone, I left it in here.”

“When?” Wheezie asked, walking further into her brother’s bedroom as you clutched your phone to your stomach. This kid needed to pursue a career in the FBI at this rate.

“What?”  

“When did you leave it in here? Last night?” She continued the interrogation, flashlight shining at your face for a moment before she lowered it, “I saw you and Rafe go into his room last night.”

“Uh, yeah, we were...talking.” You offered, not sure why you felt the need to justify yourself to a kid.

“I’m not stupid, you know. I’m thirteen.” Wheezie said, fixing you with a surprisingly icy glare for someone her age. “Did you have sex with my brother?”

“Whoa, okay...listen Wheezie, whatever I do or don’t do with your brother is not your business.” You replied, walking passed her out of his room. There was no way you were going to discuss your sexual history with the youngest Cameron

“Where are you going?” She asked, turning off her flashlight and following you down the hall toward your room.  

“My bedroom, can I go to my bedroom?” You said, turning around to look at her. A pout on her face similar to the one that Rafe gave when he didn’t get his way, “What?”

“I can’t sleep.”  

You sighed, “okay, come on, we can watch a movie or something.”

“Can we watch gossip girl?”  

“Are you allowed to watch gossip girl?” you asked, holding the door open for her to walk into your room.  

“I’m 13!”  

“Just checking,” you laughed.

Wheezie climbed up on your bed, settling back against the headrest like she was in her own room while you grabbed your laptop off the nightstand and set it up between the two of you. Gossip Girl had been an obsession of yours for a significant enough amount of time that you owned all the seasons.

“You’re from New York, aren’t you?” Wheezie asked, looking over at you as the first episode started, Penn Badgley’s unfortunate hair cut coming into view.

“No, I’m from Connecticut.” You replied, “we’re kinda close but not New York, definitely not their New York.”

“Do you like it?”  

“What?”

“Where you’re from?” She asked. Geography was not Wheezie’s strong suit but she definitely knew Connecticut, and New York for that matter, were far from the Outer Banks. “Do you like it or would you ever go somewhere else?”

“Well, I’m 17 so legally, I can’t just leave my house. Plus I’m still in high school.” You replied, “but yeah, I guess I like it. Why?”

“Cause if you date Rafe he’ll be in the Outer Banks and you’ll be up in Connecticut and if you don’t come down he’ll move up there-”

“Whoa, slow your roll Wheez, no one is moving anywhere.” You assured, “and your brother and I aren’t really...dating.”

It didn’t really matter what you said about it. Wheezie had been giving a lot of thought to the distance between you and her brother ever since she caught you kissing the day before. If you were dating her brother and he moved away to be close to you, because he could, she would be alone with Sarah, Ward and Rose. Not the worst thing in the world to happen but she was partial to Rafe over the rest of her family.  

Her freaking out thinking about you and Rafe dating wasn’t helping your internalized freak out trying not to think about the two of you being together and what that could possibly mean.  

“Do you wanna date him?” She asked.

“I don’t know,” you replied honestly. Right now was fun and you had always dreamed of Rafe liking you the way you liked him. But you weren’t sure if it was that thirteen year old in you finally feeling like she mattered or if the two of you really had something as natural as it felt. Did you like him because you liked him or because he liked you? “I don’t really know that much about your brother, to be honest. We haven’t seen each other in four years.”

“You could get to know him.” Wheezie replied. She wasn’t sure how she felt about the two of you possible dating or her brother catching feelings for someone but she did know that she liked you and that Rafe had been considerably nicer this trip. It was rare that Rafe be this happy when Ward was always around but Wheezie was definitely benefiting from the positive mood boost.  

-

You and Wheezie fell asleep before the first episode was even finished, ragging on the ridiculousness of the plot and talking about how creepy Chuck was. By the time you woke up again your mom was talking about going shopping. There was no arguing the matter either, with the guys gone for the day Rose had decreed shopping as the go-to solution.  

“I hate shopping.” Wheezie mentioned, following you and Sarah through one of the small stores along the shopping district. It was filled with all the cheesy tourist stuff that made gift shops so profitable, Sarah nabbing a couple of bathing suits to try on.  

“Maybe we can go to the beach later or something Wheez?” Sarah suggested, clutching her findings to her chest as she turned to look back at you and her sister, “for now, just try to appease Rose so dad doesn’t throw a fit later. I’m gonna try these on.”  

“Why do you hate shopping?” You asked, thumbing through a rack of coverups.  

“Cause my mom is always like, ‘no, don’t wear that, wear this, it’s more feminine’ and it’s always something ugly.” Wheezie replied, pitching her voice to mock Rose.  

“Trust me, that never ends.” You replied, “but we’ll hide from them, promise.”

“Who are you hiding from?” Rafe’s voice sounded from behind you, his hands gripping your waist, “sup Wheez?”

Wheezie’s smile grew at the sight of her brother, a little bit of the afternoon saved now that he had shown up. “Rose forced us to come shopping.” She looked passed him to Topper, “Sarah went to the dressing room in the back.”

“Thanks.” He nodded, heading back through the racks of clothing to find his girlfriend.  

“What are you guys doing back? I thought you were ‘spending the day’ on the boat?” You asked, twisting out of Rafe’s grip, suddenly conscious of the position with Wheezie around. You didn’t need any more interrogative questions from the youngest Cameron. You definitely didn’t need her spying on you at four in the morning to determine whether you were dating her brother. There was enough confusion around your feelings that you didn’t need to make sense of them for a thirteen-year-old.  

“It was overcast.” He shrugged, “my dad decided to turn around. Rose told us you guys were here and I just followed the sound of Wheezie bitching,” he teased, ruffling his sister’s hair.

“Stop it!” She jerked away from him, trying to fix her hair.  

“I’m just teasing.” He laughed, holding his hands up in surrender. Wheezie stuck her tongue out at him as she passed the two of you, walking over to where Ward had just come in. Rafe watched them for a second before turning back to you, ever mischievous grin on his face. “So, Top and I were thinking that the four of us could take the boat out tonight.”  

“Tonight?” You echoed, trying to keep your attention on the rack of brightly colored cover-ups and not on Rafe. It was useless really, you could feel his presence as he stood there, hands in his pockets, waiting for you to give him some sort of yes or no. “Why tonight?”

“Midnight swim.” He replied easily, “boat’s got lights, it’d be chill.”

“What if we get caught?” You asked, finally looking up at him.  

“Get caught by who?” He asked, grinning, “it’s my dad’s boat. Him and Rose’ll be sleeping and so will your parents.”

“Fine but I better not get into any trouble.” You replied.  

“I swear,” he made a motion of crossing his heart, “no trouble babe.”

You hummed, pulling a cover-up off the rack and heading for the changing rooms in the back of the store. Rafe was about to follow you when Wheezie called him over, asking if he would walk her down to get smoothies because no one else wanted to go.  

“Get me one!” You called over your shoulder as you.  

-

The yacht that they took out that morning, that you were standing in now, was imposing but not unfamiliar. You could remember a trip out in it with Rafe, Sarah, and Scarlett when you were thirteen.  

Topper offered to drive the yacht out of the dock and Sarah had gone up with him, leaving you and Rafe alone again. You weren’t sure if he planned it that way or if that was just how your luck was going lately but you didn’t fight it, standing in the middle of the lounge area, bare feet sinking into the plush carpet.  

“What’s with the face?” Rafe joked, grabbing a beer from the mini-fridge.

“I don’t have a face.”

“Yeah,” he sat on the couch, the very definition of man-spreading, “you do. It’s your ‘I don’t like this’ face.”

“Last time I was on this boat Scarlett told me I looked like a fat troll in my bathing suit.” You replied, walking close enough to him that he could pull you onto his lap. You grabbed the back of the beige leather couch as you fell against him and he wrapped his arm around your waist.

“I don’t remember that,” he admitted, “but I’m sure Scarlett was just being a bitch.”

“I don’t know, I was pretty rough back then.”  

“Yeah okay,” he rolled his eyes, “well, you look gorgeous now.”

“You’re really good at giving compliments, you know that?” You teased, pressing a kiss to his lips.

“How long do you think they’ll be up there?” He asked, nodding his head toward the ceiling before leaning toward you, placing a kiss against your jaw. He continued kissing your neck and you shifted on his lap, angling yourself away from him a little.  

“Not long enough, I’m sure. I thought we were supposed to be swimming anyway.” You replied.

“Yeah, once we get away from the coast.” He said, trying to kiss you again. When you tried to move out of his lap, he tightened his grip on your waist, “nice try.”

“I thought so,” you laughed. You finally surrendered, kissing him and brushing your hand through his hair and down to the back of his neck. Rafe deepened the kiss, tongue slipping in your mouth as his hand slid up under your cover-up. Before you could go any further you heard footsteps rushing down the stairs from the deck and pulled away, standing up.

Rafe laid his head back against the couch and groaned as Topper came into view. “Hey guys, hate to interrupt but we got a problem.”

“What do you mean ‘a problem’?” Rafe asked at the same time that you turned to him, eyes narrowed.

“You swore no trouble.”  

“What kind of problem Top?” Rafe asked, getting up and leaving his beer on the table as he followed Topper out onto the lower deck, you right behind them. Sarah had come down as well and she was standing there, watching as three coast guard boats got close enough to turn on their sirens, calling for the yacht to kill it’s engine.

“Is that the coast guard?” You said, leaning over the railing, “Rafe!”

“Shut up, let me think.” He snapped, waving you off.

“You guys told dad you were taking the yacht right?” Sarah piped up, looking at her brother as Topper ran up to cut the engine, “did you tell dad?”

“Shut up Sarah.”

“My brother,” Sarah said, turning to you, “so glad you decided to hook up with him, aren’t you?”  

“Sarah! Shut the fuck up!” Rafe shouted.

“Just fucking stop talking, both of you!” Topper cursed as he came back down the steps. He looked over at you apologetically, as if he was used to this kind of thing, and rubbed your back, “it’ll be fine.”

“This is not fine.”

-

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[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E121 (Jan. 19, 2021)

Aaaand we're back! The epic pet montage at the start is still the greatest thing ever.

Tonight's guests? Matthew Mercer and Marisha Ray!

We begin with an extensive discussion of waffle farts. As you do.

Matt is asked what it's been like to get to build out the characters in the Tombtakers. Lucien is Matt's favorite, but they've all got some fun traits to them. "It's one of those rare experiences as a dungeon master where you get to watch your players combat with the necessity of playing along. The instinct is: fuck these guys, I want to fight them, we'll take their shit... or I guess we have to play nice. And they begrudgingly grit their teeth and I smile internally."

On the Lucien accent: "You guys are all so mean to Taliesin!" Matt knew his own take would be a "weird mutation" of Mollymauk's accent anyway.

How's Marisha feeling about a lot of her predictions panning out? "Aw, I mean, gee, me? What? Noooo. It's definitely vindicating, I'm not gonna lie, and rewarding, but I also know that I write a lot of shit down in that notebook that's never relevant ever again. It's definitely a good feeling to know that I didn't go on that fifteen-minute deep dive and was utterly wrong about everything I said." Matt: "I was super proud. I was just silently cheering you on as you went on these long tangents."

What does Lucien think of the Mighty Nein? "Lucien is definitely curious about why they're getting involved in his shit and what they're planning alongside them. One, he hates Beau because he doesn't like people who challenge his authority. He gravitates towards Jester to an extent because she's the most open, which from his standpoint makes her easiest to manipulate. He loves toying with curiosity, and so between Jester and Caleb, those are the two people that he's the most comfortable interacting with. Caduceus makes him feel a little weird. He's amused by them. Fjord to Lucien is one of the more guarded and less accessible at the moment."

Is Beau enjoying getting under Lucien's skin? "Beau's picking and poking still kind of stems from her defensiveness and guardedness and her feelings, in a lot of ways, and the way that she's coping with things. It's a few steps removed from her default and what she often resorts to when she starts throwing up those barriers. She still has in the back of her head that she's looking at her dead friend. It's her way of protecting herself if she can go, fuck you, I don't care about you. This isn't too dissimilar to the way she reacted when Yasha was brainwashed." Matt: "It's a unique social sparring match the whole time they're traveling side-by-side. It's unique to have an antagonistic force that you're--" Marisha: "That we're going camping with."

Navigating the Tombtaker/M9 relationship as a DM is "challenging. At any given moment, a wrong statement could escalate matters one way or the other. It's having to pay attention to a lot of things at all points in time to be ready for how those chain reactions can happen and where it might go." He likens it to trying to follow and participate in two different conversations simultaneously at a party.

On the note from Yasha: "Oh man, you guys. Oh, it was so sweet. I don't think Beau was expecting Yasha to be so forthcoming with everything, and so complimentary and eloquent. Beau is awkward with healthy relationships, so she doesn't know how to handle them. She's still processing that and wants to not ruin it. No, it was magical." Ashley told Marisha after the episode that she was trying to think of what to say and wound up basing it on what she would say about Marisha.

Cosplay of the Week: an amazing Vax (by stormfeather_cosplay, photograph by travi_b, both on Instagram)!

On using variations on the Wild Magic table: "I wanted to give it some variation to consequences. They took some of the tooth out of it from earlier editions. I knew it would be fun once I gave them the specifications of when these things would happen - players are just waiting for someone to roll a 20 or a 1 at all times."

Why is it so important to Beau that she and Yasha have a proper date? Part of it is a fresh start. "So much of Beau's past relationships have been rooted in some toxic behavior. Beau feels like, well, maybe we should just start from the beginning in the most us way possible: fighting through the tundra with our dead-ish friend."

The sci-fi-ish theme came toward the end of developing Aeor, but it mostly comes from rationalization. Matt is intrigued by how all these different societies want to usurp the gods... which has parallels with modern society. He notes that focusing more on the science of the magic means the aesthetics pull away to "instead facilitate the utility or the most direct route to the answers you want. You streamline as opposed to focusing on the aesthetics."

Beau’s reaction to all the weird magic stuff? “I think Beau’s just so focused on the pragmatic aspects of it all right now. There are greedy people with motives and the will and want to corrupt across all spans of cultures and times. She’s trying not to get lost in the magic, both proverbially and literally, of it all, and just trying to focus on the motives of these people at hand.”

In some ways, Matt was surprised by Caduceus’ strong reaction to the creepy woods. “It was the first major reveal that there are some other sides to the coin that he hadn’t learned about. I had no idea how he would react. It pushed him away more in ways than I expected.”

Fan art of the week: an amazing Lucien! (by oratorkayla on Twitter)

What’s Dagen’s motivation? “He’s definitely a man of his word when it comes to fulfilling a contract and getting the other half of his pay, but it’s not hard to see they’ve grown on him a little bit. He’s really good at getting around the tundra unseen and unnoticed.”

Brian: “In true Sam fashion-” Marisha, instantly: “OH MY GOD.”

Marisha: “Here’s the thing. Here’s the tea, okay? If I ever hear one more fucking person trying to claim that I’m ruining things by metagaming, I’m going to point to Sam. I’m expected to respond accordingly to Veth being a Sam troll. Gods damn him! Raven Queen curse upon him! Let chaos reign! He made me pull out my earphones, I can’t hear anything you’re saying. It’s frustrating because I’d be mad at it if it wasn’t so god damn funny.” Matt notes that at a different table this wouldn’t be great behavior, but they all know each other well enough (and check in with each other enough) that it’s comfortable teasing.

With a bit of a deeper pull, Matt is asked whether he knew Avantika would return someday? “I knew she was a fun, interesting option out there. The M9 still have in their grasp the single most important artifact, in Uk’otoa’s opinion, at the moment. As long as they carry that artifact, his eye of Sauron is upon them.” Matt notes that he has more encounter tables going, so a lot of the time even he’s not sure what’s going to happen.

Caduceus suggested contacting Essek, but Beau and Caleb nixed that idea. Does Beau trust him? “Gods no. Absolutely not. She can like Essek personally. As a person, he’s fine, I guess. But I think a lot of people might be forgetting that he’s kind of a war criminal and kind of set off a lot of bad things in motion with this war with the Empire and the Dynasty, because he wanted power and to know things. So now here he is, also in Aeor. Yeah. Just kinda putting two and two together there. It is another one of those things of, you’re walking that line on trying to keep him on your good side and having a mutually beneficial relationship before it could easily go completely south.”

On the Star Razor being a Vestige: “I don’t want this to be--- the Vestiges aren’t always a thing where it’s like, you get a Vestige and you get a Vestige! I want them to be still considered special and rare. This is one that had to be earned, it had to be reforged. I didn’t know the circumstances that would involve it coming about.” He based it on the circumstances of Fjord’s evolution into a paladin. “In essence, not only did he finish the creation of the sword, but he Awakened it at the same time as he made this transition. It is Exalted at this point, it’s in its final form.”

What does Beau think might lie ahead? “I have no idea. I am trying to abandon expectation when it comes to that. I know what we don’t know, and that’s it. Beau is trying to compensate for the known unknowns and the unknown unknowns. I hope we can keep this tenuous relationship through to Aeor, because we need more answers before it explodes in our face. Beau, and Marisha, is hoping for a little more information before shit hits the fan.”

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Head Case (S2, E6)

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:03 - This clip of Malcolm in the car is from the pilot episode. I was so betrayed by this clip. Full disclosure - I’ve always had a thing for Malcolm’s jacket from the pilot episode. I just love it and I think Tom Payne looks cute in it. BUT - I was betrayed because Malcolm isn’t wearing my favourite jacket in the next scene (I was disappointed but not surprised). Rant about wardrobe over. 

0:20 - This is weird to me. In the clip right before this, when Malcolm was coming to Claremont (wearing the awesome jacket) - Malcolm is clearly in emotional distress. He’s not in a good mood. BUT right here, when Malcolm is chatting with Mr. David he seems like he’s in a good mood. Not one of his manic good moods - just a regular good one.

0:32 - Anyone else notice how visibly uncomfortable Jessica AND Malcolm are? This whole Ainsley situation is literally going to destroy them both. :(

0:34 - sooooo Mr. David knows by now right? He has to? ALSO when the European FBI guy shows up in a few episodes this is going to be bad for Malcolm and Jessica right? The FBI guy will probs talk to Mr. David who will be like - oh yeah, they’ve had more ‘family meetings’ in the past 6 months than in the past 20 years. 

1:22 - Sooooo this whole family honestly thinks Ainsley’s going to become a serial killer. From the tidbits of her childhood that we’ve seen, the way she treated Malcolm in Q&A, and generally how she acts when she wants to get a story - I’m not surprised. Read my thoughts on older episodes (1x7, 1x20, 2x5), I’ve always thought Ainsley was a sociopath or psychopath. The girl doesn’t show a lot of moral backbone or sympathy for anyone. 

1:33 - Wait. Does this montage of Malcolm’s erratic behaviour mean that Malcolm killed someone as a kid? And doesn’t know it? Or is this just a reference to the whole ‘girl in the box’ trauma arc from last season?

1:44 - “I wish I didn’t know that you were a killer.” Anyone else get major flashbacks to the movie Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause? “I wish I had never become Santa at all” then we get an AU for 40 mins? Just me? Cool - excuse my bad taste in Christmas movies. 

1:50 - hahaha Martin is so bitter.

2:25 - You know, as much as I love to hate Martin - he has a point. Malcolm loved his Dad (still does whether he wants to admit it or not) in 98′ - why is Malcolm chill with Ainsley killing but not Martin? Is it because with Martin, he found a poor girl tortured in a box but with Ainsley he saw her kill a man that was threatening their family? Or was it because Martin tried to kill Malcolm but Ainsley hasn’t (yet?) **honestly - that would be such an interesting episode - if Ainsley tries to kill Malcolm**

2:33 - THANK YOU. Someone finally thanks Malcolm for trying to protect Ainsley (and in extension Jessica) from the emotional trauma he’s been dealing with since the age of 10. EVEN THOUGH PROTECTING THEM IS MAKING HIS MENTAL STATE WORSE. Seriously - Malcolm is going to snap soon I honestly won’t be surprised if we get some suicidal ideation from him this season (especially if things don’t improve). Look at those big sad puppy dog eyes when Jess thanks him.

2:38 - hahahaha that side-eyed glare directed at Martin. 

2:53 - I know Jessica had good intentions here - she’s trying to protect both of her children but honestly, this whole interaction was probably super upsetting for Malcolm. Think about it - BOTH of his parents haven’t tried to have a serious discussion with him at the same time since he was at 10 years old or younger. This interaction is probably bringing up some memories for Malcolm and making him grieve for the childhood he lost all over again. 

3:06 - “You’re gross.” followed by a very regal wave at Mr. David. YES. Queen Jessica. <3

3:25 - Malcolm startling JT is pretty freaking cute. Look at how JT’s expression immediately changes from startled to concerned. I don’t blame him. Malcolm gives off major manic energy in this scene. The visit with the parents did not leave him in a good place. Also - Malcolm straight up admitted that he’s had a ‘rough morning’ this boy almost never tells the truth when he’s struggling. He’s fine. He’s always fine. 

3:30 - “Rough month.” IS THIS IT? IS THIS ALL I’M GOING TO GET? JT had a baby THREE EPISODES AGO. ‘rough month’ is a reference to the fact that he’s a new dad and he’s struggling with lack of sleep, leaving Tally alone with the baby while he’s a work, being a good husband, adjusting to dad life, ect. RIGHT?!? We’ve literally had no mention of the baby since 2x3 and I’m losing my mind. I just want someone to say, “Hey JT, how’s the baby?” that’s it. I want 5 seconds of dialogue. Just an acknowledgment that the child exists. 

3:54 - “Sooo bring me up to speed.” OMG. That smile is both extremely manic and completely adorable. Seriously - why is no one on the team more concerned about Malcolm during this episode? AND WHERE THE EFF IS EDRISA IN THIS SCENE?!? We’ve been robbed. 

4:21 - “What? I liked math class.” OMG. JT is a closet math nerd. You can’t take this headcanon away from me. 

4:24 - hahahaha look at Malcolm absorbing the new information about JT. He’s like.....yes. I will keep that information for later. Very good. Will pry further. 

5:04 - I love Dani. She’s perfect. She can see that Malcolm just checked out into his own horror of a memory. So she gently teases him to bring him back to reality. <3 This is true friendship. <3

6:00 - Was I the only one who thought it was weird that Gil asked Malcolm to help with the canvasing? Like - doesn’t Malcolm always help? Isn’t that part of what he does to build his profile?

6:12 - “KGB agent” Yes. Malcolm is still annoyed that Ainsley was so competitive about a literal murder last episode. I promise you. Ainsley’s probably still annoyed too. 

6:26 - This is why Malcolm is considering telling Ainsley the truth. He’s already losing her. May as well rip off the band-aid. She might not react as badly finding out from him as she would finding out by herself.

6:51 - “That is my vagina.” hahahahaha OMG. As a woman I must say: HOW?!?! As someone who adores JT:  hahahahahahahaha OMG. 

7:23 - “You’re getting a lot of mileage out of that tidbit”. lol. JT gently teasing Malcolm is one of my favourite things. Hands down. Especially since they’ve reached a point in their friendship where Malcolm doesn’t seem scared or offended when JT makes fun of him. They’re acting like brothers and I LOVE IT. <3

7:25 - “That’s the tip of the iceberg my man.” I have no idea why I am so amused by someone calling Malcolm “my man” but I am. 

7:36 - “The Bowery Ripper” hahaha the look that JT and Dani exchange when Malcolm starts nerding out.

8:00 - Wendell is kind of creepy. But like a weird, non-threatening creepy?

8:22 - OMG. JT let the vagina sculpture go. hahaha Look at how grossed out Dani is hahahaha she’s like, “Ugh. Men are gross.”

8:30 - This is why I love JT. He knows that that elevator is sketchy as hell. Plus it’s some (less than subtle) foreshadowing for what’s to come in this episode. 

8:41 - How did Dani find out he was at Claremont?! Does Mr. David call Gil every time Malcolm visits?!? ......this is my new headcanon. You will have to pry it from my cold dead hands. 

9:00 - This is a really cute moment between Dani and Malcolm. Regardless of whether or not you ship Brightwell - it’s really sweet to see Malcolm interacting so honestly with someone. He’s telling Dani the truth about something and she’s not making him feel bad about how messed up his family is or how weird his situation is. She just listens and teases him to make him smile. That is a good friend. IDC how you feel about Brightwell - right now - this is a GOOD FRIEND moment and Malcolm deserves more of them. 

9:10 - Annnnnnndddd this is why Brightwell shouldn’t happen (right now). Dani is still hurt that Malcolm doesn’t trust her enough to tell her everything. She still doesn’t completely trust him after what happened last season. A romantic relationship without 100% trust will fail. End of story. They’re great friends but right now they can’t be in a romantic relationship. It’ll end poorly. (Damn, I hope Brightwell is endgame though).

9:38 - hahaha Greta Swan is a perfect comedic relief for the Dani/Malcolm tension we just witnessed. This girl is a little nuts and a lot funny. 

10:00 - “Dad’s lived here his whole life” - wow. The writers really left us some big bread crumbs. We go from the scene where someone mentions a serial killer who killed someone (who was abducted from this hotel) in 1963. THEN we find a strange, gossipy woman and her grumpy father who has lived there his whole life. Coincidence? Nah. 

10:17 - SERIOUSLY?!? The Whitly home is ENORMOUS. WHY IS JESSICA LETTING AINSLEY WORK IN THE MURDER BASEMENT?!?!?! We literally just found out that Jessica has a SOLARIUM somewhere in this house. 

10:40 - “The guy definitely seems like he kills people.” Oh the irony here. 

10:55 - “Are you upset with me?” This is soft and I love it. Malcolm is being vulnerable with his little sister and it warms my heart. 

11:07 - “Insomnia sucks.” “Who knew?” Again. Irony. 

11:18 - “Anything you want to talk about?” This is precious. Malcolm loves Ainsley SO FREAKING MUCH. He has major Dad/Big brother/concerned school counsellor energy here and I’m here for it. 

11:38 - Malcolm’s soooo going to replay this conversation in his head about a million times. He’s going to blame himself for Ainsley’s murder victim of this episode. He’s going to play the “what-if” game. What if - he told her the truth here? Would she still have killed someone tonight? 

11:52 - Look at Ainsley’s face here. She seems sort of confused and comforted? Like maybe the fractions of memories that she’s admitting to having are making her believe that she killed Endicott and it scares her. Malcolm telling her otherwise is probably comforting on some level. It’s helping her convince herself that she’s done nothing wrong. 

12:25 - According to IMDB - this isn’t the episode LDP directed SO WHY IS THERE SO LITTLE GIL CONTENT IN THIS EPISODE?!?!?!

12:27 - What the hell is the puddle on the floor btw? Is it paint? Tar? Blood? I thought construction hadn’t started on the hotel yet?

14:14 - Malcolm. You. Are. A. Moron. Why go towards the creepy elevator that opened by itself? Why did you think that was a good idea?

14:29 - The Bowery Ripper is pretty strong for an old guy. I mean, Malcolm isn’t that big and he was caught off guard but still.

14:38 - I wanted this scene to be reality SO SO BADLY. I don’t even care about the Brightwell interaction in this scene. Malcolm is on a hospital bed. With an ice pack. I could’ve watched 45 minutes of “Malcolm in the hospital” content. The fact that this boy didn’t spend longer than a 30 second scene in the hospital is a CRIME. Why does Fedak hate giving us the whump aftercare?!? WHY?!?! Doesn’t he know like half the fandom LIVES FOR IT?!?

14:40 - You know how I knew this was the start of Malcolm’s AU dream? 2 reasons: 1) Dani has her hand on the ice pack on Malcolm’s head, even though he totally doesn’t need her help to hold the ice pack to his head. 2) GIL ISN”T HERE. .....although this episode did us dirty with the lack of Gil content (I miss Papa!Gil so much)

14:46 - There’s something about dream JT. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Real and dream JT are almost identical. But dream JT seems to be more open with Malcolm? IDK - he’s more relaxed around Malcolm? I can’t quite describe it. Did anyone else notice that there was just something a little bit different about dream JT? Not even in a bad way. Just different. 

15:15 - “Noooo she said it could’ve been worse. Not the same.” hahaha YES DANI. Good looking out. Call out this boy for neglecting his health. 

15:24 - This whole scene where Dani and Malcolm do a joint interrogation was awesome. They were talking pretty fast which I found a little distracting but JT said it best, “They were on FIRE”.  One thing I REALLY liked about the scene was the dynamic between Dani and Malcolm. Neither one of them was really taking a lead in the interrogation. They were equal partners and I think that says a lot about Malcolm’s romantic desires. He doesn’t want to dominate anyone. He doesn’t want to be taken advantage of. He just wants someone he can trust and respect. Someone who will trust and respect him. He wants a partner. An equal partner. I think that’s a really healthy desire for anyone in search of a relationship. 

16:12 - an affair? Did we know that Lyle and/or Katrina were married?!? If they weren’t married it would just be a relationship. Not an affair. 

17:01 - Is this honestly the first time Dani has called Malcolm by his first name? In 26 episodes? It must be right? Because I swear I was so shocked my heart skipped a beat (also my Brightwell heart melted but that’s a whole different thing). 

17:06 - .....so in Malcolm’s dream does he still work for Major Crimes? Is JT running the department? I need some more details here. 

17:12 - Soft!JT <3 <3 <3 How cute is it that in Malcolm’s AU dream, JT (and Dani) don’t actually change (in terms of personality). Their roles in his life just intensify. Dani becomes his significant other and JT becomes a much closer friend/brother. It’s precious. <3 <3 <3 

17:52 - Something about the fact that Jessica isn’t drinking liquor in the AU is hilarious and depressing to me. It’s funny because, well, it just tickles me. It’s depressing because Malcolm understands that Jessica drinks to dull the pain. In this AU, she isn’t in pain. She’s happy. Therefore, she doesn’t need alcohol. I don’t know about you but the fact that Malcolm’s subconscious wanted his mom to be happy so badly that she became (more or less) sober - is heartbreaking and heartwarming all at the same time. 

18:11 - “No one in this family is scared of a little blood right?” The irony here is THICK.

19:23 - The fact that Ainsley is a doctor just like Martin in Malcolm’s AU is terrifying and hilarious. This whole “I watched Ainsley kill a man” thing is really destabilizing Malcolm’s questionable mental health.

19:27 - “Please Ainsley is the talented one. I’m a distance second.” ....does this mean that Endicott isn’t the first person Ainsley has killed? Does this mean subconsciously Malcolm somehow thinks that Ainsley is a better serial killer than Martin?

19:56 - “No phones at dinner okay?” Something about the way Martin is looking at Malcolm at this moment and Martin’s tone of voice made me think - “Shit. Martin’s still a serial killer in Malcolm’s AU.” Especially since they Ainsley literally just announced to the room that he’s getting a from Claremont. 

20:06 - Yep. That’s a nightmare. From the back, Claremont!Gil probably looked like Martin circa mid-2010s for Malcolm. 

20:09 - Look idc who you ship on this show. But I will fight you if you don’t think that Malcolm being comforted after a nightmare by someone he loves is the sweetest thing ever. Look at how Dani gently rubs his arm and back. Ugh. This is the kind of safety Malcolm DESERVES. 

20:43 - Dani lying on Malcolm’s chest. <3 It just makes me so happy. Not even necessarily because it’s Dani (although I do ship Brightwell as end game) but because Malcolm’s subconscious is showing us his ideal relationship and we don’t see anything wild or questionable - we just see G-rated cuddling. And damn if that doesn’t say a lot about how much Malcolm just wants to be loved. 

20:53 - .......Can we have a full episode’s worth of footage where Malcolm is unconscious on the floor? I know I’m a basket case but it would make my whump heart so happy.....even happier if that footage was immediately followed by 40 mins of hospital care/comfort footage.

20:59 - I know that time has sort of slowed down for the purpose of plot in this episode but ngl - every time we saw the elevator approaching passed out Malcolm all I could think was “this is the slowest elevator in the world.”

21:26 - Malcolm is so so relaxed and comfortable in this scene. I want him to be this happy forever. 

22:07 - “You deserve all of it.” Malcolm subconsciously just wants permission to be happy. He doesn’t think he deserves to be happy (especially after Endicott). That little revelation broke my heart. Also the Brightwell kiss was adorable. Dani takes control because, Malcolm wants to feel wanted and this is how his subconscious is manifesting that desire. I will argue that Malcolm doesn’t necessarily want a relationship where his partner takes charge or dominates him. He made coffee of both of them. They’re living in his apartment. They’re having calm, mature, adult conversations. They are both equal partners in his dream relationship. 

22:45 - Dani isn’t scared of Malcolm when his hand starts shaking. She isn’t judging him. She’s just concerned. <3

22:47 - “Existential ennui”? Soooo much french in this episode. Damn. “Jamais vu”, “Quelle suprise”. Now “ennui”. 

23:35 - “I don’t fit your profile.” ....am I expected to believe that Malcolm didn’t realize this was a dream until this moment? Dani calling him “Malcolm Whitly” in the last scene wasn’t a red flag? Or the fact that Ainsley is a doctor. Or that Martin isn’t in Claremont? Or that Jessica isn’t drinking booze by the bucket? I mean, I know he has a head injury but these are big red flags. 

24:15 - Sooooo is Wendell dead irl? Because this is technically a dream. 

25:02 - “I thought we were looking for an inexperienced psychopath. A first time killer.”......this is him projecting about Ainsley right? Am I overthinking this? And now he says, “I was wrong”. Is that supposed to suggest that Malcolm thinks Ainsley has killed someone before Endicott?

25:07 - “The blows are confident. They were having fun.”.....couldn’t the same be said about how Ainsley stabbed Endicott? They were definitely confident stabs (plus a confident throat slitting). 

25:14 - “We’re looking for a serial killer.” Istg the writers are hinting that Ainsley is a serial killer (or will become one soon).

25:27 - Mr. David appears in the AU but Edrisa doesn’t. We were ROBBED.

26:07 - I’m not the only one who thinks that beard makes Gil look like a werewolf right?

26:33 - Claremont!Gil is creepy. LDP’s performance here is really really good. Also - I hate it. Because serial killer Gil is just not my Gil and it upsets me to see Gil chained to a wall. 

26:56 - Sooooo in the AU “The Surgeon” is still at large right? ....you’d think Malcolm would be trying to solve that case with Dani and JT. You know, an active prolific serial killer in New York?

27:34 - The way that Martin, Gil, and Malcolm interact in this scene is really interesting to me. In a lot of ways, this isn’t an AU. Think about it. 

In the dream: Gil is frantically trying to convince Malcolm that Martin is a serial killer. In a way, Gil is trying to protect Malcolm from Martin.

In reality: Gil just shoots Malcolm disapproving looks when he mentions seeing Martin. Gil desperately tries to protect Malcolm from Martin.

In the dream: Martin is trying to convince Malcolm that Gil is a monster. He’s trying to convince Malcolm that he’s a Good father. That he would never hurt Malcolm. That he loves Malcolm. 

In reality - Martin is the same. 

The only main difference between AU!Martin, AU!Gil, and their real counterparts is their temperaments. AU!Martin has Gil’s calm, comforting, and rational temperament while AU!Gil has Martin’s angry, manic, and controlling temperament.

What is the same between the AU characters and their real counterparts? 

Martin is still a manipulative killer.

Gil still shoots Malcolm looks of concern (27:45). 

Gil and Martin still hate each other. 

28:30 - Even dream Martin tries to gaslight Malcolm. 

28:56 - “You can always count on Dad.” ....is this how Malcolm really feels about Martin subconsciously? It kind of makes sense? Who did Malcolm turn to when Ainsley did the unthinkable? Not Gil or Jessica. Malcolm said it in 1x12 - (I’m paraphrasing) “The child in me thought he cared. Loved me even.” I think there’s still a part of Malcolm that believes that. Or at least a part of Malcolm that desperately wants to believe that. 

29:17 - “I’ve never been to a crime scene before.” That’s because you create the crime scene, Martin. In all versions of reality. 

29:20 - annnnnnd AU Martin shares regular Martin’s weird fascination with Dani. 

31:00 - JT being buddy-buddy with Martin is hands down the most horrifying part of the AU. 

31:10 - “I think he’s having a psychotic break.” ......I want this to be foreshadowing so so so badly. I think it would be so interesting to see how the team, Jessica, Ainsley, and even Martin deal with Malcolm just having a total breakdown. Maybe not a full psychotic break. Maybe a nervous breakdown? Or he succumbs to his suicidal ideation? Probably a little too dark for network TV though.

31:34 - “I’m very protective of her and her boots.” Does Malcolm see himself as the Bowery Ripper, trying to protect Ainsley as opposed to his daughter? Or is the Bowery Ripper supposed to be a metaphor for Martin protecting Ainsley? Is Malcolm going to take the fall for Ainsley and all her murders?!? 

32:45 - “Why did you kill again? After all these years.” istg this is hinting that Ainsley killed someone as a kid and Martin knows about it.

33:00 - “I can’t let my daughter know what I was.” .....is the Bowery Ripper supposed to be Ainsley? Is Ainsley killing people to try and protect Malcolm? Ugh. I’m totally overthinking this.

33:02 - Even in his dream, Malcolm can’t bring himself to kill his father. Wether that is by cutting off contact with Martin irl or letting the Bowery Ripper kill him in the AU.

33:07 - Actually though - why doesn’t Malcolm carry a gun IRL? We know he’s trained to use one. We saw him use one in the pilot on a case for the FBI. Is there some sort of NYPD rule about consultants carrying weapons? Is it a rule that Gil has imposed on Malcolm? Is it a rule that Malcolm has imposed on himself? A mixture? I want to know. 

33:38 - OMG. Is Malcolm going to try and kill Ainsley?!?! What a twist that would be. AU Malcolm just killed a killer. He doesn’t seem to feel bad about it and he agrees with Martin that “everything is okay now”. 

33:55 - This hug deeply moved me. Malcolm is fully aware that this hug isn’t real but he looks so content to be hugged by his father. Malcolm is finally getting a proper hug. <3 It honestly makes me wonder what Malcolm would do IRL for his father’s approval though. He’s clearly sooo desperate for Martin to love him. Who knows what Martin will be able to convince Malcolm to do in this season? Malcolm’s not all that mentally stable right now and he’s really vulnerable emotionally. I’m worried.

34:26 - “Not that it’s a competition.” ....yep. Ainsley wants to be better than Malcolm even in Malcolm’s own subconscious. 

35:00 - Heart. Breaking. Watching Ainsley, Martin, and Jessica tell Malcolm how good they think Dani is for him breaks my heart. Look at how happy Malcolm looks. Look at how desperately Malcolm wants this to be real. Ugh. My heart is shattered. 

35:20 - “You’re the best, big brother.” Even Malcolm’s subconsious knows that he’s an excellent big brother. Seriously, I love my younger brother but I don’t think I could ever cover up a murder for him. Never mind dispose of the body. Maybe I would? IDK the situation has never come up (thankfully).

35:25 - .....aaannnnnndd we’re back to the Girl in the Box.

35:58 - “Why would you ever want to leave?” “Because it’s all a lie.” Isn’t Malcolm living a lie IRL too? He’s pretending that Ainsley is a law-abiding citizen. He’s pretending that he isn’t an accomplice in a murder. He’s living in constant fear because of his secrets. They’re going to destroy him. This is why I think a suicide attempt is a possibility for this season. This trauma is a lot bigger (in some ways) than last season’s. Plus - Malcolm has a lot of pre-existing trauma. This could be the metaphoric straw that breaks the camel’s back.  

36:45 - “Even in my wildest dream. I’m still a detective. I need to seek the truth. No matter how painful.” That’s it. That’s Malcolm’s character in a nutshell. “Traumatized boy who intentionally puts himself through more trauma for the sake of seeking the truth.”

37:01 - “You’re right. I need to work on that.”.......if Malcolm tells Gil and/or the team about Ainsley next episode I will lose my mind. 

 37:15 - TOM PAYNE. YOU ABSOLUTE TREASURE. THIS IS SUCH A GREAT PERFORMANCE. THOSE UNSHED TEARS. THAT DESPERATE ANGER. THAT HOPELESSNESS AND DESPAIR.  <3 <3 <3 <3 

38:21 - Look, I’m a mechanical engineering student (not an expert) but if that was a wooden stick like I think it is - that would’ve NEVER stopped an elevator (at least, not long enough for Malcolm to escape). But I’ll overlook it for whump. Because Malcolm has a head wound and I’m loving it. 

38:33 - I’ve rewatched this clip of Malcolm with a bloody face meeting JT and Dani about 50 times (wish I was exaggerating that number). There is something so gorgeous about this scene. I mean - the fact that Malcolm is clearly in physical and emotional pain is enough to make my whump heart sing but it’s more than that. Listen to the genuine concern in JT’s voice when he says, “You okay?”. Look at Dani’s concerned face. Listen to how soft and desperate Malcolm’s voice is when he says, “When was the last time I talked to you?” Look at how concerned and confused JT and Dani are when Malcolm says, “I know who the killer is.” They’re not scared of Malcolm. They’re scared for Malcolm. Malcolm just showed up covered in blood, he can’t walk straight, he’s clearly confused, and now he’s claiming that he’s solved the case. They’re worried about him and they have every right to be. Listen to how broken Malcolm sounds when he says, “Long story.” <3 <3 <3 I’m in love with this scene. 

39:19 - “Are you sure about this?” “I have no idea.” This. Is. Important. JT and Dani have every reason to believe that this old man isn’t a killer but Malcolm’s head injury is making him confused. BUT they choose to trust Malcolm (or at the very least, humour him). They trust him enough to take a risk on him and I think that’s beautiful. I think that’s exactly what Malcolm needed after his nightmare of an AU dream. He needed to know that they care about him IRL. I hope he notices their behaviour despite the head injury. 

39:35 - Malcolm puts the skull down with his ungloved hand. I’m blaming the head injury. 

39:55 - Look this was a really moving scene. The parallel of Malcolm arresting a serial killer in front of the serial killer’s child and Martin being arrested in front of Malcolm is haunting. HOWEVER, when that old man stood up from the wheelchair my stupid brain went “THAT ASSHOLE NEVER EVEN NEEDED THE WHEELCHAIR?!?”.....even though he literally wasn’t in a wheelchair in Malcolm’s dream. 

40:40 - WE WERE ROBBED. I want to see the scene where Malcolm explains his dream to the team. I want to see GIL. WHERE THE EFF IS GIL IN THIS EPISODE?!?! FURTHERMORE - I WANT THE IRL VERSION OF “MALCOLM GOES TO THE HOSPITAL FOR A HEAD INJURY” SCENE. WTF FEDAK. GIVE ME THE AFTERCARE. 

40:47 - “That man will be buried in a turtleneck.” hahahahahaha OMG. Iconic. 

41:27 - “Goodnight Malcolm.” <3 <3 <3 She called him Malcolm IRL. Excuse me while I go and stoke my slow burn Brightwell fire. 

41:36 - “Goodnight.” This is the face of a man who just accepted the fact that he will never be happy. Malcolm honestly doesn’t think he deserves to be in a relationship. Especially with someone as beautiful, kind, and talented as Dani.

41:40 - THAT HAT. Was this really in Season 1?!?! I don’t remember it? But holy hell - I want to see Malcolm wear it. Like now. It’s going to make me laugh. I can feel it. 

41:53 - Immediately you can hear that something is wrong in Ainsley’s voice. She sounds distracted, dissociated, and scared. 

42:14 - Give. Tom. Payne. An. Emmy. Listen to his voice breaking here. He’s so close to tears and it’s genuinely beautiful. Such an astounding performance. 

42:51 - I honestly think Ainsley is shaking her head because she realizes that she made a mistake. She came to Malcolm because she thought he killed Endicott. She thought that he’d be able to understand. That he’d be able to help her because he had committed the same crime she just committed. She was wrong. He can help her - but legally, he really shouldn’t.

43:08 - Look. A new scene for Malcolm’s night terrors. 

43:15 - Yep. This is going to drive Malcolm into a mental breakdown. This is bad. 

43:20 - There’s a part of me that wants Malcolm to tattle on Ainsley. Just so he doesn’t have to keep the secret any longer. The secret is killing him. Telling won’t make the situation any better though. Gil and the team will react horribly and it’ll make Malcolm feel like garbage. Plus I can only imagine how the press would scrutinize the Whitly’s again. It won’t be good any way you slice it. 

I have a love/hate relationship with this episode. On one hand - it’s the cannon AU episode that every fanfiction lover dreams of. It’s also a really compelling episode complete with some excellent acting and great insight into Malcolm’s psyche. HOWEVER: 1) not enough Gil, 2) WHERE IS MY WHUMP AFTERCARE?, and 3) I wanted to see Malcolm at the base of that elevator for longer. The whump wasn’t prolonged enough for my sick soul.