#well that IS me. bc im speaking directly to myself. but obviously im not the mech im just the guy in the mech

[emissary-of-dog]

it's prooobably not normal for me to look in the mirror and think: ah yeah that isn't me. this is just a vessel i carry for the True Me. that doesn't look anything like this. and this voice is just close enough to what i'm supposed to sound like but it's not me either. and this name also isn't mine but it's fine i'll just have to use it for now

LIKE UUUHHHH(🏳️‍⚧️)HHHH THATS ODD DONTCHA THINK

[mazzystargirl]

ok living up to pinned post w some true confessions/dark secrets… so basically after i tried to kms in 2021 fall and went to the hospital i entered a really intense slut era and like started impulsively spending money and stuff too and i didnt have a job so i was like oh omg having a sugar daddy would work out really well for me and also i wanted to do things that would be like damaging or whatever idk why i did it rly. but anyway i engaged in some sugar baby behaviors. and then that winter break i went home from school and met up w some of my friends who ive known since i was a kid. now i have to give a little bit of context here cuz its important. so i have these 3 friends, one of whom ive known since i was 3 years old (N) and the other two since i was like 7 (S and J). and we all live in a very tight knit neighborhood/cultural community where mostly everyone knows everyone. and so my 3 friends parents know my parents. i guess you can see where this is going… but anyway i told them i had a sugar daddy or like it came up in conversation idk. and that was that. then literally the following AUGUSTTTT my mom comes to me and is like oh so some people in the neighborhood have been saying that you’ve been engaging in risky behaviors with older men and that youve been meeting them in hotels. so obviously i denied it very emphatically and tried to pry out who tf she heard that from and honestly i was like what like who could have even spread that and she said J’s mom told her and was lowkey rly cagey about it bc she didnt want to “break her daughter’s trust” and had asked other aunties about the situation like wtfff… and then i remembered i had mentioned to them over winter break so she must have fucking told her mommmm. i decided to assume best intent and chose to believe she was worried abt me and thats why she told her mom so i messaged her like hi did u tell ur mom abt this and i appreciate ur concern but i would have appreciated it if maybe u came to me directly and checked on me it would have been better and u lowkey hurt my feelings cuz now im stressed and anxious and don’t know whos saying what abt me etc etc. and then…

she fucking LIEDDDDD she said she didnt say anything to her mom AND that her mom didnt say anything to my mom!?? which i know is fucking bullshitttt 😭 like it makes 0 sense like if no one said anything is my mom just pulling shit out of the air and if she was how would she land straight on the money like that it just doesnt add up. so i was like um ok ?? uh have a good day. and decided to let it go and i lowkey don’t speak to her anymore and i told N and S that im not speaking to her but they can hang out w her if they want. and i forgot abt it.

but now i just moved back home after finishing school and its lowkey been eating away at me. it hurts me that she was my friend for 13 years and its all up in flames and i never got any closure or an apology or even her to admit or acknowledge the situation?? it hurts me to be at home worried abt what people are saying or thinking about me. i know i shouldnt care but what other people think of me bothers me. im not ashamed of myself and my choices but i don’t want other people to think less of me. i don’t want to reach out to her bc what if she doesn’t care at all about the situation ??? i don’t want to be like this has been eating at me forever and it really hurt me and her to be like what r u talking about i don’t think about you at all. she also just got into med school and im happy for her for real like glad shes doing well its just like. she hurt my feelings really bad :(

anyway if you read this far… what should i do 🥲 is the only path forward trying to let go… tbh i think i just need someone to validate my feelings like am i right to be hurt or is it all my fault and should i beg for forgiveness 😭 like my friend N got coffee w her a couple weeks ago and brought it up to me twice what does that even meannnn

[lunatic-fandom-space]

Guess who just wrote a really long and detailed post in my notes app that I accidentally managed to delete. meeeeeeeee <3

So yeah, for better or for worse, heres a more condensed version of a very long post where I complain about 2000!Judas again that Ive written in like, two hours probably (I know that sounds like a lot but trust me, it isnt for me)

Basically, when I watched this version for the first time I thought the reason I didnt like this portrayal of Judas and thought he was really unsympathetic was because of the actor and some of the directorial choices made for his scenes. But then I rewatched it, paid closer attention and even made pretty detailed notes as I was watching like the nerd I am, and I realized that no, the direction is consistantly really good and does a great job at putting you in the characters head, which is a good way to get an audience to sympathize with a character, even for Judas' scenes. Heaven On Their Minds is a great example of this, here are the notes I took during the scene bc it took me days to write that original post that I deleted and I dont feel like rewriting stuff:

• At the start of Heaven On Their Minds: Judas singing directly at Jesus while theyre engulfed in blue but glowing orange before the apostles show up and the lighting changes to something more orange-y golden (signaling Judas snapping out of his thoughts about Jesus and back into reality) • At the end of Heaven On Their Minds: Judas stepping out of the warm golden light with Jesus and his apostles back into a cooler, blue-ish light to signify his disconnect with the others, wavering trust in Jesus

So, if its not the direction thats the issue, what is it? The actor? Well yeah, I think the actor is definitely the bigger issue for me here. idk if thats a hot take, I certainly dont think it should be. However, there are two big directorial choices that I have issues with, one thats very obvious and mostly concentrated in one scene and one thats a bit more 'spread out' so to speak and that I initially had some trouble pinpointing

The first and more obvious one is the Superstar scene. This song already has some tonal issues by virtue of being a funky disco song sandwiched between The Scene Where They Brutally Beat Jesus and The Scene Where They Brutally Crucify Jesus and having Judas be all smiley during it like hes happy about Jesus dying a slow and painful death only to get all sad at the very end when they actually start crucifying him does not help. Like at all. Its like they didnt get that Judas was meant to be like, frustrated during this song because it acts as an extension of his character throughout the musical, who was very frustrated with Jesus because he didnt understand him or why he did the things he did. Its also meant to be an expression of the audience's presumed feelings, since we, like Judas, just spent a long time with this guy and thought we kinda understood what his deal was only to then realize that no, we did not, actually.

Thats pretty much it, there is a similar weird kind of smugness and almost schadenfreude permeating the rest of this guy's performance as well, its just the most noticeable in that song

Now, Im gonna change the topic here for just a second because I think its necessary to talk about the costuming, specifically the colors of the clothes, to properly explain myself. Unlike the 2012 version, which did its own thing when it came to assigning colors to these characters, the 2000s version takes pretty much all the notable character colors from the 1973 movie. That means Jesus wears white, Herod also wears white which could be a way to visually connect them since Herod is referred to as king and seems to have some kind of special authority over jewish people even though he apparently doesnt have a lot of actual state power, kind of how Jesus is also hailed as king of sorts even though he obviously doesnt have any kind of stately power either ? idk, Im not analysing this further bc thats not what the post is about, Caiaphas, Annas and their three guys all wear black, Pilate wears purple (albeit a cooler tone than the 70s version thats closer to the purple the roman guards wore), Judas wears red and Mary wears red... in the 2000s version. She wears orange in the 70s movie

So, why would they change that when they otherwise changed very little about the costumes' colors? Im not gonna beat around the bush here, they were trying to emphasize the idea of Judas and Mary as foils and romantic rivals with Judas being the dark 'incorrect' "option" and Mary being totally morally good as a contrast. Think about it, Judas wears mostly black in this version with the red being closer to an accent color while Mary wears mostly red with black as an accent color, theyre wearing the same color scheme but inverted and Judas ended up with the darker and more menacing version of it (although I would argue its kinda hard to style the red-black combo as anything but edgy, vaguely threatening, vaguely sexy and seductive or a combination of any of those), Judas is a lot more physically aggressive towards Mary in this film which wasnt the case in the 1973 version (I havent rewatched the 2012 one yet and I dont remember a lot of the details but Im pretty sure he wasnt as physical in that version either), theres that weird bit right after I Dont Know How To Love Him where he inecplicably shows up to, idk, intimidate Mary? which then leads directly into Damned For All Time/Blood Money and the way its framed makes it seem like his betrayal was motivated by jealousy and some weird yandere-esque "If I cant have him, no one can" line of logic which is just weird. Like, I dont dislike this concept on the face of it, but they had no idea how to pull it off well

Actually, now that I think about it I feel like they work well enough as foils without any attempts to emphasize them as romantic rivals. Like, obviously Judas sings that little reprise of I Dont Know How To Love Him before his death but also his whole thing at the start of the musical was that he was turning away from Jesus while Mary's thing was that she was very close and loyal to him from beginning to end, like thats one of the things that Peter's Denial demonstrates right

Whatever, thats kind of it. I feel like thats a pretty abrupt ending to this but I dont care that much lol. In conclusion, although I love this movie for the direction and lighting I have a lot of shit to complain about, mostly relating to Judas and also this post ended up being a lot longer than expected, hope you enjoyed

[sapphire-innit]

MD is a trip in SO many ways lmao

HI!! So it's been a while but I was feeling sad about some minecraft boys and it finally kickstarted me enough energy to do this again. For those who haven’t seen this before everything is tagged “dream smp liveblog” if you wanna look back.

I was thinking about rewatching some of the exile vods again to get back into the right headspace but honestly I’m gonna ride this wave while I can and jump right back into it. Maybe when I catch up fully I’ll go back and watch them all in a marathon and see how much I can make myself cry, who knows

Intro out of the way here we go! VOD: Tommy Speaks to Mexican Dream in Exile

(rp): oh man I forgot how fucked up his skin was…. And hes drowning again

He’s also lashing out at people in chat and then pulling back “Ranboo: are you alright man” ahhh buddy YOU KNOW HES NOT

….You know. Some of the Dread HAS faded but it STILL sucks when Dream logs in.

“And Tubbo hasnt spoke to me…” :(

But hes still trying!!! Hes gonna make a path!!

Lol what is this melon monstrosity lol the youtube praise Tommy just screamed lmaoo

….Dream YOU can get out of VC 2 fuck off

….just the casual “oh yeah sorry” while he blows up the armor….

“DId anyone come to see you while I was gone” I see you, you obsessive fucker

“Weve become better friends” :/

HI MEXICAN DREAM WHAT AN INTRO THEYRE JUST STARING AT HIM LMAO

Yes BULLY HIM MD BULLY HIM

“WHICH ONES HOTTER” cursed cursed cursed

Lol the tone is so absurd Im having a good time

cc!Dream taking the time to pinpoint the particular restaurant its from lmaoo this man is funny

Lol Mexican Dream just chasing Dream away with Spanish YEAH GET EM MD

Tommys so excited to have someone who might live with him omg

“Borderline my owner” ….

…,,,look I just needed a short hand ok Mexican Dream is too long to type lol

,,,,,I dont know how to process Mamacita asdfsdfsd

SOMEHOW GOT MORE CURSED

Cant believe this is canon lore because it gets. SAD?? What is happening right now

This must have been a great tension breaker for people watching live though. A Nice break. Honestly I have mixed feelings about this being my first stream back lol

…..what are those maps huh? Old Memories huh? Tommy seems actually a bit embarrassed lmao

TUBBO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TUBBO!!!!!

Asfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfds these fuckign pictures jesus omg

Somehow this would be more sad if Tommy wasn't blowing out his mic fake crying lmao

…..hey fuck girl Dream though

Is girl Dream canonically Dream or a different character?

“You two are the happiest couple I know” … F for the dream smp where no relationship survives lol Love is Dead

….my heart was racing while Tommy was hiding the rest of the Tubbo pictures…

“Not on my stream you better not!” afdsfdsfsdfsd

Rip Mexican Dream lol Quackity dies to mobs a lot doesn’t he

………..I just got the walls joke F F F

……hi Dream you fucker

HEY BITCH, HEY BITCH BOY!!! YEEEEE TOMMY GET HIM

….. This is why Dream kills MD isn’t it

OUCH DIRECTLY AFTER THAT

MEXICAN DREAM DID JUST JUMP IN FRONT OF TOMMY JEEZ

….. Welp this is turning serious, Tommy is literally trying to distract Dream from chasing MD

The fucking decapitation joke asdfsdfsdf

OH MD WITH THE REAL GEAR!!!

….well that was short lived. As was Mexican Dream, Rest in Pieces I guess

“That was my last friend on the server. And that was his last death” “.......” “WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO TODAY ~ :D”

“I never thought I’d see the day where Mexican Dream is canonically dead”

….. The serious tone is back for sure ….. Its staring into lava and gaslighting time

Literally just killed his friend and Dream already getting Tommy to say they’re friends…

“He died of a drug overdose” “I watched you kill him” “Noo he died of natural causes” >:(

cc!Tommy really canonizing this just to twist the knife

...hes just standing in the fire :(

………begging him for company.. “I don’t think I have very long left” …….

At least Drista will be fun?

“Its fine, its really his rules now” “After tomorrow, then I think its over”.... This is the pillar isn’t it. The pillar is happening soon

“Tommy can you stop going insane please?” - FUNDY PLS LMAO

Strange interlude with Lazar… obviously Tommy is lashing out but I also feel like there is a bit of back-handedness to his interactions as well. Maybe the only one ACTUALLY only reaching out because of pity..?

Well that was a strange and oddly sad interlude. The middle was just the wildest of rides, but the end still managed to ground it back, mostly. 13 did NOT HURT in that regard honestly lol. I feel like I’ve definitely lost some momentum by splitting things up like this -- my recommendation to anyone watching is Definitely to shotgun it if you can do so safely. Its such a well written arc, even and up to including silly streams like this, and its a shame not to have watched it all at once.

STILL! Looking forward to seeing Drista, that little chaos godling has grown on me quite a bit, not least of all BECAUSE she’s a chas godling with creative mode lol. I’ve also heard thats the other “break” exile stream, so probably a bit more lighthearted (not least of all bc idk how much Drista the person actually knows and or cares about her brother’s block game role play canon lmao)

[patchdotexe]

explorers of arvus: heading back / 3.11.21

zoom and enhonse

LAST TIME ON ARVUS taure passed out and we are now down a healer! also we met a disciple of halvkar, and surprisingly did not murder her. this is fine. we have instantly gotten distracted by our various carts. cats. our various cats

DID ANY OF US CATCH TAURE, SHE FELL OVER sieron tried to catch her and smacked charlie+thorne in the face (he rolled a nat1, f) BUT the catboy is to the rescue bc silje is the designated Not Incompetent of the group today

CONSULT THE CHILD hewwo yrel yrel: her mind is being consumed by the serpent of nightmares. :D charlie: HELLO?????//

so, dendar(?) the night serpent is imprisoned beneath arvus! she was formed from the nightmares of the first sentient being, and sometimes she eats people's nightmares. if she's exceptionally hungry, she'll force nightmares onto people for her to feed off their fear. yrel thinks taure will Probably wake up. there's a thing on arvus mentioned by the locals called a "sleeping sickness" where people will fall asleep for a few days, sometimes longer, but will wake up. its magical in cause, the people afflicted by it have horrific nightmares, and its just kinda. a thing. wowza

(i have gone back to spelling yrel's name as yrel bc i think it looks nice)

OH HEY SOMEONE POSTED A THEORY ON ONE OF MY STICKMOLUS ANIMATIONS man i should get back to stickmolus sometime. once dsmp releases its awful grip on me.

i keep getting distracted by seeing myself in the camera preview. i have a tooth gap! what the fuck its cute?? K I KNOW WE'RE SUPER BLURRY IN FRONT RN BUT PLEASE HELP ME STAY FOCUSED I SWEAR -leo

we're gonna build a sled! to put taure on. thorne: i have a good strength score. ....i say, out loud charlie: i am four feet tall. [cue argument between thorne & sieron about them both being horcs but sieron has a +0 bc strength is his dump stat] OH, OKAY, THORNE ROLLED A NAT20 TO CARRY TAURE. NICE

[discussion about what to tell everyone at camp vengenace] thorne: the last thing we need to do is a witch hunt charlie: --and we already hunted the witch! the witch has been hunted.

time to discuss strategy! we need to figure out how to head back to camp vengeance, eg if we want to follow the path we already took or if we wanna do some trailblazing. looks like we're gonna try and take the most direct path! which means we'll prolly risk tangoing with some undead but im willing to risk it TINY HUT STAIRCASE sorry i just remember it now and then

nyx: [meowing at his cats] thorne: uh... why is silje meowing? jorb: silje's food bowl is empty jorb: you look at silje's food bowl and there's a divot in the middle and the food is all on the sides emotionally, we must bully the catboy silje saw something interesting and started meowing

thorne: ill take first watch silje: ill also take first watch. charlie: [quietly] gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy (but, like, extended for 15 seconds)

silje: [takes watch] [rolls a nat1 and gets distracted by looking at his crush]

THORNE HAS LOCATED A DOG the dog does not give a shit about the tiny hut. THE DOG HAS PEED ON THE TINY HUT goodbye dog

EVERYONE IS ROLLING AT LEAST 1 NAT1 thorne: wow! that sure is a dog. thorne has drawn the worst possible dog. thorne has erased the worst possible dog. we dont speak of the worst possible dog its the dog version of honse. DONSE

sieron is now on watch! MAN we are havin trouble rolling today. at least kali's here to make sure sieron doesnt stare at a rock for 50000 years sieron sees a mouse! bottom text

charlie is now on watch! kali is havin a big ol thonk. nothing meaningful has come of this

i am perceiving some deer. sieron is not perceiving some deer. silje is perceiving some deer, but better the deer are fucked up and undead! silje has gone from "we should hunt these deer for food" to "we should hunt these deer for sport"

charlie: i do not feel like being jumped by five thousand skeletons

charlie takes first watch with sieron! WHY ARE OUR ROLLS SO TERRIBLE taure is super cursed right now. that's not very pog charlie: this place sucks. thorne: to be fair, we havent-- charlie: YOU'RE ASLEEP, SHUT UP

oh hey coolname galvanic finally partied. nice.

thorne is at watch! solar: hey, is leomund's tiny hut an orb? there's a critter digging around! AH, THE CRITTER IS UNDEAD. this could be a problem

solar: hey michael, how much does the horrific sin against god dog i drew look like this creature michael: [dice roll noises] about 50%.

michael: if anyone likes, they can make a nature check-- solar: ME MEMEMEMEME ME ME ME

its a bulette! aka a land shark. problem: they are not normally undead. this one is undead.

jorb: imagine if you could tame one of those and use it as a mount. leo: IT WOULD JUST DIG UNDERGROUND AND LEAVE YOU THERE

we are just calling it a weird dog

we're going to mail a letter to the heart of arvus. HEY, CHECK OUT THIS WEIRD DOG,

JORB FOUND ART OF A BABY BULETTE. WEIRD PUPPY!

solar: hey guys, check out this sick art of a bulette i found

silje kept a lookout for the weird dog but its just fucked off. goodbye, weird dog give it up for day 3!

man there's been like, three incinerations today in blaseball. what's up with that. I SWEAR IM MOSTLY PAYING ATTENTION its just been an eventful day in blaseball. also im wearing my garages bomber rn. jaylen is home wooOOOO the wind smells stinky. this is fine.

we're actively avoiding whatever combat michael keeps nudging at us bc we're carrying around an unconscious person and i SWEAR hes gonna throw something directly at us once he's done with our shenanigans

UHH MICHAEL ASKING FOR PASSIVE PERCEPTION LOL

huh. this place used to be inhabited? we're in the woods rn but there's some like, stone ruins? like, VERY ruins. like, not really any structures standing, but enough evidence to show there Were things. WE FOUND A STATUE charlie: i want to smash my face against the lore.

used to be a circle of standing stones, but most of em fell over or got overgrown. inside of the circle has been cleared, although v roughly-- ground's torn up statue is of fjolnir! warrior holding up a spear and shield. AH, THERE ARE CORPSES, a human got REAL fucked up here. one of the corpses is straight up impaled on fjolnir's spear. n ... not pog.

i am trying so, so hard to pay attention. but i also kinda wanna take a nap.

charlie: [stares at statue] [rolls a 4] i wonder if he had a dick.

okay so something rolled in, tore up the overgrowth inside the circle, and murdered a couple dudes. and was also super tall and human-adjacent. hrm.

oh my god why are we rolling so shit today. time to stealth away and hope we dont get casually dismembered

k: jorb's hair is so long... leo: K, PLEASE,

time for a break! i am very tired but im gonan see if i can push through a little further. nyx is petting his cat why do orangatangs look like that

first watch is thorne and sieron! have they even, like, talked thorne unhabby ): thorne's worried we were tresspassing when checking out the statue, meanwhile im thinking about that one time when sieron got bit by a groundhog

(oh my god this is from late 2018)

leomund's tiny hut, aka the anti-sea bear circle we are getting SO much mileage out of the tiny hut. SILJE HUMS A SONG WITH KALI cute........... FINALLY I HAVE ROLLED ABOVE A 14 wait no i rolled a 16 twice. anyway we are not dead

nearly at camp vengenace! boy howdy i hope camp vengeance didnt get burned down. AH FUCK TAURE IS UNCONSCIOUS SO WE CANT CAST FOR DETECT POISON kaepora nearly made us all shit ourselves but its okay he just saw some bison and thought it was cool Michael Is Consulting Several Tables

WHY DOES JORB'S CAMERA ZOOM LIKE THAT why am i hungry. i have so many questions

HEY, TALL GUY [smacks sieron]

camp vengeance looks better! like, nobody's Obviously Sick anymore, the medical tents arent overfilled, we did it! we saved the dayyyyyy time to report to ryder! taure's getting dropped off at the medical tent

man remember when charlie didnt wear pants

oh man, with taure unconscious charlie is now taking point with social interaction. wild. jk im making jorb do it bc im tired HAHA NAT 20 PERSUASION BC OF ME HELPIN SIERON man ryder is such a cock. he was totally ready to keep throwing troops at heaven's brazier to die until we managed to persuade him out of it. jorb: did we tell ryder about the vision? michael: you kinda just took a look at him and went STINKY BOY!

okay yeah anything that dies on arvus will just pop back up as undead. man, arvus sucks.

ryder: alright, dismissed. charlie: seeya, soldier boy! :D hahahahaha im gonna eat his knees.

SILJE NEEDS ENRICHMENT IN HIS ENCLOSURE

charlie: ive decided he sucks. silje: we've already arrived to that, you're late!

LMAO WE WALKED IN ON INGRID AND HER CRUSH they fuckin. nice. you go, you funky lesbian

jorb: we've got the tiny hut, we could go anywhere leo: we could go to SPACE! nyx: we could not go to space. leo: WITH A TINY HUT STAIRCASE, WE CAN,

we are 320 miles away from the spaceship that exists on arvus. nice.

michael: justin sees you-- roll a strength saving throw. leo: i cant wait to die! [rolls a 3] I AM CRUSHED BY MY DOG michael: he rolled a nat20.

BOSS ENCOUNTER: CHARLIE'S DOG (the small circle next to him is one of the medical tents.)

THORNE IS PACT OF THE GUN solar: PARRY THIS, YOU FUCKING CASUAL

sieron, to ingrid: seems like youve been doing well charlie: i punch sieron. sieron: sieron: the camp, of course.

man we have no idea if the heart of arvus is actually related to the prophecy or not. theres a Lot of stuff lining up, but not enough, and its hard to say how much of it couldve been literal?

solar & michael: [discussing exposition] me: [cracking up bc penn sent me a funny dsmp joke]

prophecies are weird.

charlie is just s she is just sitting here SILJE PLAYED CARDS REALLY GOOD AT ME nyx rolled a nat20 and took all my money

oh cool we can talk to yrel telepathically! time to hoist yrel. THIS IS SO SCUFFED thorne mentioned yrel and now we're trying to explain to ingrid that we have a magic talking snake charlie: I WANT TO GO HOME. thorne: we cant go, we have a GOD-KING to kill! "i think theyre insane, theyre talking to a snake" "ingrid, druids exist" "oh. im gonna go back to getting railed by my 7 foot tall girlfriend"

[selfcareparker]

(lovely anon) ok so this may sound so dramatic but; let me paint you a picture: i’m responding to your latest message, sitting on the edge of the sofa. i type in “lovely anon” into the search and see this longgg post come up and i’m like uhhh... i scroll down and see the people you tagged and literally. when i saw @ lovely anon. i . cried . like full on tears. my brother goes “what are you doing” “she tagged meeeee” and he continued what he was doing and didn’t care LMAOO but i was so emotional? i love and appreciate you too and aAH IM CRYING!! you’re just really sweet and i didn’t expect it at all and it was really lovely to be a part of something :’)

the kermit pic sent meee but yes yes yes!! when you start uni let me know, lol i’m so excited for you!! let me know how it goes cuz i’m literally hype hahah & yes we will be in our sad corners of the world, missing england but you’re right it’ll be sooooo worth it in the end!!! and oH i’m glad you talk to them lol i truly thought you like haven’t seen them/haven’t spoken to them this whole time😭 that would’ve been awful!

also i totallyyy get what your saying about the english speaking thing. and idk why you’re insecure (well i *knowww* bc it’s not your first language and you’re studying it in college so yuh) but your english is great :)))

lol yeah that makes sense.. my mom took french in college and she remembers NOTHING HDJSHSJ (the fact that you wanna learn MORE languages i- ahh i so admire you.. you literally know so many languages🥺) yea i mean you know a bunch of languages bc you know the base of words lol, but i wonder if because you know latin it’ll be easier for you to learn french? oh- oh wait you said it’ll be easier HAHHAHA

THERES SO MUCH EXCITING STUFF TO TALK ABOUT HDGSJSJSL it’s so wild to me that you can’t watch chaos walking :( i’m a professional hacker tho so i’ll try and find a way for you LMAO (by professional hacker i mean i literally have gotten multiple free trials and i’m pretty sure the hulu police are after me bUT ITS THEIR FAULT BC WHY IS IT SO EXPENSIVE???) i mean the movie was good? and cute? and funny? but yea don’t think it’s gonna be the most fantastic thing haha AND THE DOGGO AWWW (i saw it again today- or my today lol, saturday, aND THESE OLD PEOPLE CAME AND SAT IN FRONT OF ME AND MY FRIEND LIKE ITS A LONG STORY LMK IF YOU WANNA HEAR IT)

SHARK FILMS?!?!! PLEASE READING THIS I HAD NO IDEA YOU WOULD LIKE SHARK MOVIES TOO FHSKSHSHDJDJGAJAYSJS ok so i haven’t seen any of the classics (i’m working on it) but i would probably watch jaws to laugh at it? not like that lmao but like comparing it. OKAY BUT HONESTLY I BARELY KNOW ANYONE WHO LIKES SHARK FILMS AHHH OKAY im adding “the shallows” to my watchlist bc it sounds super good AND SAME AHSJD ANY BODY OF WATER IN A MOVIE I JUST KNOW ITS COMING LMAO watch me not go in the water anymore after seeing that picture HHDJSJ

WHEN I READ THIS I JUST GOT DONE TALKING TO MY MOM ABOUT THE MEG AND THAT SCENE WHERE THE SHARKKK JUMPEDDDD AND ATE THE OTHER ONEEEE AND THEN JONAS HAD TO DO- bro i cannot (i think that one is my favorite because i love me a bit of romance and the subtle romance hAD ME) 47 meters down PHEW could you imagine?? i try not to think too hard about it i’m like “don’t be dumb catherine, don’t put yourself in a dumb situation” (not autocorrect having “dumb bitch” ready i am not lying) and i literally understand... there is no other way to explain 47 meters down

i CANNOT watch horror movies, can’t can’t can’t, i literally hate them i cannot do it!!! the thrill is tempting and it’s cool in the moment but i cant lmao. i don’t have nightmares about scary things (for the majority of the time) but going to sleep i’m like oooohhhhhh shit 🥲 literally what you explained

music !!!! music !!!! music !!!! (u ever write a word and now it looks weird lmao) MY BROTHER DOESNT LIKE MUSIC AND ITS SHIT IM LIKE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU- anyway, my music taste is all over the place i mean......... it’s crazy. earlier today i was listening to meghan trainor’s album “title” oUT OF NOWHERE, but just a few minutes ago i was listening to fall in love with me by earth wind and fire soooo lol .. megan is *chefs kiss*, i’m not familiar with stormzy🙈, harry styles.... IM SORRY IM THAT PERSON but i don’t listen to his solo music EEK i only listen to adore you... and not that frequently... the music video freaked me out... i like niall’s solo music a lot more, which i listen to a lot more. now. one direction. favorite. please & thank you. i have a playlist called “boy bands” and it consists of one direction and the vamps (obsessed with cherry blossom btw) but as you can see my taste is all over the place!! fr fr if i sent you what apple music has as my “favorites” it went from ariana grande to carrie underwood to glee (OBSESSED DONT LET ME TALK ABOUT IT) i mean please if you let me i will nonstop (hamilton HDJSH) talk about music all day😩 & NOOO UR MUSIC IS GREAT HAHSK IM NOT A BIG RAP PERSON BUT DOJA CAT IS MY FAVORITE!!

okay good, i’m glad :) i was just nervous that you did feel that way <3 and GOT IT HAHAJ healthy pressure is always good :’) my friend got me these pens cuz i love stationary and school supplies lol and was like “now you have to write something” soooo yea i feel that! and i saw you posted the ficcccccc literally so proud of you 🥺🥺 i’m trying to decide if i read it tomorrow or tonight..... sleep or a literal beautiful creation made by the sweetest person and is v v nice smut and college!peter and 4.7k...... sleep aint really calling no more.

GIRL ALL OF MY SENTENCES ARE TOO LONG HAHAHAH IN FACT THIS IS TOO LONG SOOO (also why am i 3 days late..😑) anywho it’s 1 in the morning so <33 lovely anon

🥰

oh my god the fact that you cried nearly made me cry too😭😭🥺🥺 (also, your brother LMAO), i wasn‘t even sure if you‘d see it but i immediately thought of you so of COURSE i included you <333

the hulu police lsjsjaiaik, girl i was ready to get a hulu membership when i wanted to watch big time adolescence and i couldn‘t find it anywhereee, and when i got to the payment it said i need a bank account that‘s based in the US or whatever. like bro i was about to pay you!! but i was forced to find it somewhere (and i did, on levidia,— not that i‘ve ever used it because it‘s illegal 😤 i would never!!! i‘d rather support billion dollar companies and spend my money on watching films that i can find for free 🥰🥰🥰 not

i‘ve found chaos walking online so i‘ll watch it som time this week!! also YES TELL ME THE STORY

okay so idk if you watched/are planning on watching falcon and winter soldier but i watched the first episode the other day and they were speaking french (just a few seconds) and I UNDERSTOOD SOME WORDS DLDJDJ and i was so proud of myself. i‘ve only ever learned french with duolingo lol (i only do like 5 mins a day and that‘s why i was so surprised that i understood some of it!!). and yeah apart from latin i feel like italian, german, french and english are all similar in a sense.. i mean obviously they‘re completely different languages but for example there are some grammatical constructions in french that i think i wouldn‘t understand if i only spoke english? so when i translate those things into english you can‘t directly translate them bc you say things differently, but when i translate them into german then it makes more sense to me. idk that‘s something i noticed so i feel like if you already know multiple languages it‘s easier to learn another language compared to if you only know one language and are trying to learn a second one. even if the languages aren‘t similar then i think you get the hang of it easier.

ikd slsjsjs also i don‘t want you to think that i‘m a linguistic genius or anything lmfao, like i‘m only fluent in english and german and i‘m just a wannabe (ew that word) polyglot sksj (yes i had to google polyglot— i do think learning ancient greek would be super cool tho? like imagine studying latin AND ancient greek, whew). and honestly i don‘t think i‘ll ever be fluent in another language bc i don‘t plan on living anywhere other than germany or possibly england and i‘m not dedicated enough to properly learn any other languages esp if i don‘t have anyone to speak the language with. but i still try my best and i just love language/languages as a whole so yeah i‘m happy & just learning as much as i can dkdjh🥰

(I guess language/linguistics are/is my passion (which sounds sooo lame lmaoooo) and the word passion comes from the latin word pati (i think💀) which means to suffer, and in german passion is called Leidenschaft which basically means suffering too, idk why i‘m telling you this maybe you know it already. but ok dumb fun fact, in german you can make compound words with as many words as you like, and the longest official german word is Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz which is a law for the monitoring of labels on beef... this is such a dumb fact but i think about that word like once a day idk why dodjsjsj so... 👁👄👁)

but i‘ll stop boring you with my linguistics talk because truly i don‘t know much about languages but i am interested omg i‘m gonna shut up now.

now water + sharks. (so in non-covid times i always go to croatia with my dad during the summer, and even before ever watching a shark film i was always kind of scared in water.. but after watching so many shark films wldjdj HELP Like you know when you go deeper into the ocean and you can‘t see or feel the ground/floor? anymore.. then i just start imagining sharks. like i can‘t help it i just imagine a shark sneaking up on me or feeling something graze my foot ABD I JUST START FREAKING OUT SSKJSHSJ. idk. anyway kdkdh i do love the ocean/swimming though but the older i get the more i realise how fucking scary the ocean is ( even if we’re gonna disregard sharks)

your brother... what‘s wrong with him? HOw CAN YOU NOT LIKE MUSIC LIKE WHAT THE FAWK

OKAY BUT SAME ABOUT THE ADORE YOU MUSIC VIDEO DLDKDJSJSKSLSLKSKSJSHSH and yeah i have to say harry’s style (styles lol) as a solo artist isn‘t reaaally my cup of tea, and i only like the popular songs from his second album and the first album is only good when i‘m in the right mood (haven‘t actually listened to it in a while though, but kiwi is one of my all time favourites along with only angel but i hate the start, like it takes 40 seconds to actually begin properly). i like mgk and because of him i watched the dirt which is a film about motley crue, and now one of my favourite songs ever is same ol situation and i‘m into rock now lol. +++ justin bieber. I had a justin bieber cardboard cutout thingy😭 i was the biggest Belieber on earth when i was 13-16, but i didn‘t like his last album and tbh he‘s become a bit weird lately, BUT OH MY GOD. i Listened to his new album yesterday and i‘m in LOVE with the song hold on

i really like niall‘s music toooo!!!! And doja cat 😌😌😌😌 And THE VAMPS OG MY GOD. i got to see them live bc they were the opening/support act for little mix and ajdsjskslslsjsjsj. (Also i love concerts, some of the best memories of my life are concerts, i‘ve seen nicki minaj live 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 and justin twice and my heart fills every time i think about how excited i was, it was my first concert ever (16th of September 2016 😌) and i was the happiest person alive seeing justin drew fucking bieber (even if i‘m not tooo sure about justin nowadays)

i have a confession? Idk what hamilton is. I mean I‘ve heard about it and i keep googling it but i‘ve never watched it (is it even a film???? or like a proper musical? also pls tell me you grew up with high school musical. i have a few friends who didn‘t and it makes me so sad 😭😭😭 hsm is the best thing to happen to my childhood , the sooooongs— i still listen to some of them every week or month lool they make me so happy)

(Okay wait i was about to recommend some stormzy songs but you said you‘re not that into rap so i won‘t dksksjl)

What you said about my fic AHSLSLSJB (i wasn‘t sure if you sent an ask about it earlier? idk that might have been someone else, so if it was (and you‘ve read it already) i hope you liked it sksjsj i was...... unsure about it. and i have this reeaaallly long peter fic that i started writing in december and that‘s the only peter thing i currently want to write but also i can‘t because idk how to continue kddjj.) but I’m definitely getting back into writing i have a few blurbs that i want to write so 🥰🥰🥰

Oh and pls as soon as you read this let me know: violet or yellow? (it‘s just a tiny thing for my new theme slsksj)

[knifehecker]

immediately fell back asleep and had a fucking GREAT flying dream. that was honestly the best dream i’ve had in a while

it started off set around my old middle school. it was like, a potluck situation - all the old students and teachers were there, the teachers all had tables set up near classrooms with different food and drinks. somehow i was like.....flying? there was the impression that i had wings of some sort but i never saw them or consciously moved them, it was more like i was floating several feet above the ground. as i approached one of the food tables i had the distinct thought of “i hope i can still fly when i wake up tomorrow. i REALLY hope this is real ): i’ll have to pray to the faeries tonight” 😔👊

i wandered over to another group of tables where people were mostly giving out like. chicken and rice. and then i came across a whole section just dedicated to STEAK and i was like oh my god i’ve found home. as i was looking trying to decide which i should get, one of the guys behind the table said “here, here you go!” and gave me one of the strips he already had cut and ready, at which point the guy at the table across from his (directly behind me) seemed kind of put off so i was like. ohhh there’s a rivalry there huh. so i grabbed one of his steaks also. i wanted to stick around as i tried them so i could offer them both some nice feedback on their delicious looking steaks but the second guy’s was....not actually that great? it mightve been because It Was A Dream but i couldn’t actually like....taste it......very well.......it was super underseasoned..... so all i could really tell him was “ohhh this is REALLY tender!!” before the dream changed. sorry first guy i wasn’t able to try your steak ):

it transitioned into an INCREDIBLY different dream from here. i was in some sort of like....roman....greek.....street? and people kept bumping into me/each other which kept also prompting everyone to brawl. i was trying to avoid this but something about how the culture in this dream worked meant that you couldn’t apologize without implicitly demeaning your own abilities/reputation, but if no one apologized then a fight was considered the only way to settle a dispute, so. a fight always broke out. which eventually turned into a HUGE brawl that involved everyone in the street. when everything settled down, it turned out that i specifically had punched a pretty important person and was gonna be thrown into some gladiator ring

so im standing in this ring with these huge mesh fences coralling myself and my opponent in. im getting this huge megaphone hype-up about how this guy is some incredible monster of a champion or what have you and then this guy like. just. goes to sleep. he lays down and goes to sleep. and everyone is just “......oh.” including me ):

there’s a slight transition to the top of the arena. there’s a small group of people standing there - i think like. core members of some rebellion/uprising against the current regime? i don’t remember exact details but two of them were talking about this same guy i was fighting, and one says to the other “wait. wouldn’t your abilities make you the PERFECT one to be fighting that guy?” and the other person goes “yeah! :D” with zero self awareness. it was funny at the time. you had to be there. anyway

the dream transitions again? there’s like.... a council of people sitting down at a round table in the middle of this....closed plaza? the table in my mind looks like one of those plastic kiddy ones lol. sitting at the head of this table is like. The Queen. she’s the queen of the last dream setting, and the other people are all delegated leaders or advisors or whatever. meanwhile i’m sitting there and people are all staring at me bc?? aren’t i??? one of the more infamous members of the uprising????? but everyone’s too hesitant to actually say anything bc obviously the queen would know and if she’’s fine with it then it’s not their place to speak. meanwhile im just sitting there bouncing up and down a lil like (:

(that’s all interesting though bc there were a few times when they were speaking to each other [i dont remember what about] where one member or another would speak up like “may i speak out of turn?” “forgive my arrogance but can i interrupt?” and every time she was very gracious and seemed to welcome their disagreement)

so im sitting there and i see another woman outside of the plaza and she’s just. staring inside. and she throws something that BARELY misses the queen. and i barely manage to shout “YOUR MAJESTY, MOVE” before the other lady throws something again and gets the queen right in the back of her chest. and i’m furious trying to launch myself out to fight this woman but she’s already gone. i’m really frustrated because i fly WAY too slowly to catch up with her anyway

i wake up at some point after this. wow that was a lot more dream than i thought first waking up 

[littlebabycrybtch]

I can understand autism and asexuality being tied together in an individual. Do you think that plays a role in your situation? -random adolescent psych nurse

hey thanks so much for the question, it means a lot that you’re going to a source to ask directly about it !!so the first thing i’d say is that, obviously most autistic and aspec people don’t like the stereotype that they Have to go together or can cause each other, but generally speaking since this is a general question, this experience is really just a person to person thing with a pretty even split rn among this overlapped percentage in the community. Personally, i do think theyre slightly connected for me ! cuz sex and relationships and romance are obviously really social, theyre rooted and revolve around being social and having a social connection of some kind, so having a disability that affects my social ability just doesnt mesh well with conventional romance. and like, i hope it goes without saying i definitely still have a healthy amount of social connection besides that, i show love and happiness even though it has to be in my own slightly less conventional forms, and compared to most people, my tolerance bar for social situations gets maxed out a lot quicker, but ive had a lot of time to understand both how i function with autism and how my sexuality works. imo i think my asexuality stems from Many aspects but in the end, intimacy and sex is just a downright uncomfortable thing for me to navigate, and trying to doesnt improve my state of mind, and i have other perfectly fine ways to experience social closeness, so i rly dont feel its necessary nor do i feel like im missing out or isolating myself. its just that how i connect with people is different, and in different levels. im very sex positive though ofc and understand how important sex can be a for most peoples happiness, but theres still a very VERY large amount of aspecs that are not autistic and actually dont have any social issues at all, so thats definitely still smth to remember. i couldn’t 100% answer if i think id still be ace if i Wasnt autistic (bc its all i know so i have nooo idea), but i can at least say that either way i think id be fine w/ it!

and additional sidenote;;; honestly the way we’re treated sucks and the direct trickle down of misogyny and rape culture targeted towards us is the bigger problem, but ableism actually does have a very strong presence over our community too rn, even for non disabled / neurotypical aces. its just sort of perceived as an inherent ‘mental problem’, but it really is just a sexuality and preference for Most of us, the same way any other label is. how somebody goes about their sexuality is a wild roller coaster that only they can conquer. overall its very complicated and every situation is different, but i hope i explained my one part of it well enough 👍

[starwarsolo]

i feel so silly writing this down so it’s basically purely mindless and absolutely incoherent rambling of BanditoParis but it’s more for myself to help jog my memory if there ever comes a time i need it to be jogged 

 had planned on going to a florist and buy a bouquet of yellow dahlias and have one tied around an armband and/or bring the whole ass bouquet as well but didn’t work out in the end, meh

 so idk if tyler does them looking straight at the camera and pointing and doing stuff at every concert during stressed out and heathens but gdi lemmetellya i was NOT prepared shit got me all profuse sweating mode activated

speaking of fairly local the whole ass song!!! but mostly the END?!!?,!?§?!, like the smile the nodding and just the whole moment and his whole face and ‘behaviour’ i was like pleeeaaaase don’t do this omfg im gonna have to actually like you now

the pre-trees speech??? like it was so different from the usual (no slander here i truly get it) like i really liked his sincerity of like not gonna lie it can get hard to remember every show and every crowd

and then following this with but we’ll never forget this show bc you shined during the quiet game and honestly even though i don’t believe he will ‘never forget’ (again no slander against him here it’d just be natural for anybody bc life and all) in this moment i believed in the honesty of his words

also at some point he went like ….hey…. and i really thought he was about to say something but went on and ‘introduced’ josh or maybe he just temporarily forgot what he was meaning to say hehe ALSO that Star Wars prequel trilogy-worthy zoom out on the sound-and-light crew guy hashtag truly magical^^

i was like below the middle of the bridge (more or less) on the right side when facing the stage and during his comings and goings he literally passed me by and i was like *Khaled voice* comme si je n’existais pas elle est passé à côté de moi

also i felt like he took aaaages to climb on that bridge i saw him kneel down and all and i was like come oooonnnnnn man bring your ass over here so i can get physically the closest to you i could ever be

(saw a close-up of that moment in video and mannnnn that was……)

lost my shit at that first ‘paris’ with the right pronounciation BUT MOSTLY at his one-two-threes with THAt cute ass accent

i mean yeah josh made a whole ass sentence but tyler can count to three we stan a legend

had the new haircut and i didn’t even notice?????!!!

his smiiiiile i saw so much of that and im literally so freakin happy

when the trees confetti fell i Bathed TM in that shit lemmetellya

there were so many times during the show where i was just like…. standing there completely still smiling like a fkcing idiot while all hell was breaking loose around me bc i COULD NOT believe i was actually there and all that was actually happening

to be completely honest i think maaayyybe i might have slightly fallen a little teeny tiny bit in love with tyler mr joseph

no yeah i was completely in love with him yesterday

and like it’s so fucking surreal to think that i was dreaming about winning the quiet game and wE DID

dreaming not only josh but TYLER would say at least ONE word in FR and hE DID

fearing that the crowd might not understand whenever the boys would speak bc we’re so notoriously bad at ENG and that it would kinda sink the atmosphere down maybe but we got nONE OF THAT

and ofc and iknow im repeating myself here but like dreaming i’d get in and I DID!! like honestly all the gigs i been to i literally never got asked for ID but like i’d always had my name on the ticket so i was like i know they never check ID but what if this time they do uwu

but the main maaiiinn fear was the non-validity of the ticket like that’s where i really thought i was gonna get fucked over but anyway it’s all past now i just will NEVER do it this way again (like i never shoulda did to begin with but you know….experience)

but like gdi it’s been Worth It worth the whole ass trouble and worries and now im just.so.tired.

and that first sec guard tyler so desperately tried to get a dance move out of during my blood i came across at the end of the concert and i was like congrats on the dance and he smiled and said thanks ^.^

also THEN the beatles stopped and SAVAGE FREAKING GARDEN started playing and i was like azkhgdjsjf???agjehgfsdhfkjs???!!!!!!!! like whoever’s responsible for the choice to play that song i absolutely fucking LOVE you.

Tyler at the beginning of wdbwotv smiling ‘we’ve been looking forward to this one’ i was like ‘if you only knew’ also during pre-trees speech when he went ‘are you glad you came to the show tonight?’ i was like ‘iF OnLy YOU KNEW;;;;;;;;;’

also i been knew from the start but confirmation that tyler shouting and screaming his lungs out is my sexuality

ohhhh and during hoty when he was in the crowd and just plain ass directly pointed at Whoever’s Lucky Ass right under him like bITCh??!!! we LIKE.

oh and during my blood at one of the you don’t need to runs he did that nah move while shaking his head and it was SO sassy like biiiiiitch damn!

and ofc the hugging of the bass fren during ‘our’ lines during cut my lip cUt MY LIP PERIOD, also so many tapping hand/fist on heart/chest moments like bitch same.s a m e.

the lights too like? gorge, especially the lights of b stage like i couldn’t see properly by then so i focused on them and wow truly beautiful and just perfect for the mood of these particular songs

and idk man the whole show was fucking splendid and i still can’t believe like i could hardly believe then but it’s even harder now with reality slapping back from the moment i got in it all felt like a dream and i don’t think i’ve ever experienced that kind of thing in alllll my years of attending shows

like luck was indeed on my side that day and im so fucking grateful and so happy and stunned and in that kind of ethereal daze it’s really hard to describe it all felt so surreal but very real at the same time and words truly aren’t enough i wish i could convey my actual feelings and okay i need to stop The Rambling now but really like im so thankful for the existence of this band and obviously this particular show

lol and now i bet we’ll be beat as soon as the next show but idec all that matters is that until the next one we’re all wearing the crown and that’s that on that

and i feel bad talking only about tyler but like josh is the cutest and he needs more love from my crusty ass self im so ashamed but i truly adore him he’s a ‘cking treasure

 side note but The Regrettes are Hot TM and that ‘Fuckboy’ song…mmmmmhhh tas.ty. alsoLydiasvoiceissodeepitreachedallthewaydowntomyvaJJ

 also i probably forgot about stuff that i’d add to this bc there was so much and every single moment was so precious they’re all worth mentioning and okay noW IM STOPping bye

[btsfaris]

Heavy Heart [P.2]

A/N: hii!! I’m so glad you guys enjoyed part 1!! I decided to be nice and post part 2 early hehe :))

Warnings: Lots of Fluff, More Angst(bc im a sad person)

Words: 2k+

-

P.1

You;

And there he was again, sitting beautifully in that lunch table.

It was currently lunchtime, and you were grabbing your lunch from the cafeteria like majority of the school. The place was filled with roudey teenagers, loud voices murmuring to their friends and lots of clatter from the lunch trays. Peter was sitting peacefully in his usual spot, half-way into the cafeteria, and munching on his meal.

You could always talk to him at this time, as he spent majority of his lunches with only Ned and not with a crowd. It would be so easy to just walk up to his best friend, ask him about the homework in Chemistry and casually greet Peter.. but you were a scaredy-cat.

Speaking to Peter always made you nervous. No matter what it was or even short it was, you’d become a mess. Your fingers would get antsy or your legs would start shifting in place.

Sometimes you couldn’t even look at eyes properly. You just never could build up the courage to smile at him, so it would be a complete challenge to say hi.

You always wished you could, perhaps things would be different. Maybe he would actually acknowledge you for once, and you’d grow from there. Even have the possibility of building up a relationship.

In your dreams, you think.

You’re not sure how long you’ve been staring at him, probably for a good minute now, by the way the person behind you groans for you to keep moving along the line. Can’t you see I’m enjoying the view? You want to hiss at them.

Grabbing a sandwich and some orange juice, you get out of line and slowly walk to the exit. Which is on the way to Peter’s table. Your eyes keep trained on him, watching him conversate with Ned.

His eyes suddenly shift to stare at his plate, moving his food around with the fork for a few moments before looking up. Directly on you.

Oh fuck. You look back down at the floor and a blush creeps up your neck. Hopefully, he didn’t notice you creepily gawking at him.

You count to five, still moving fairly slow across the cafeteria before glancing back up to see him still gazing at you. You blink a couple times, wondering if your eyes were playing tricks on you. You look around to see no one around you, and turn back to him, furrowing your brows.

His hand raises up and he gives you a shy smile. An actual smile. Your cheeks redden at this point, fingers slowly letting go of the tray to wave at him. As you raise up your palm, a familiar voice behind you perks up.

“Peter!” Liz calls, walking past you and towards his table. She stands in front of him, speaking inanimately and Peter’s eyes are wide, watching her talk with admiration. Something you do to him always.

Of course, he was smiling at her, not you. How stupid were you to think that he’d be waving at you like that? He was obviously looking at Liz, it was clear now.

Your hand immediately falls back down to your tray, gripping at it as you stare with jealousy at the pair. Gazing back at the floor, you turn around to take the exit near the front rather than your usual route, clearly not able to witness the scene any longer.

Peter;

“I hope I passed the exam,” I tell Ned, through a mouthful of my lunch. “Mr. Delmar said if I did, I could get a sub for free after school!”

“Let’s hope you do,” Ned agrees. “Maybe you could ask Y/N out and share half with her!”

“Going to get a free sub for our first date?” I snort. “How romantic! I might as well write cheapskate on my forehead.”

“Well, maybe she likes to be independent-“ Ned wiggles his brows, but stops mid-sentence as he looks across the cafeteria. “Speak of the devil! Peter, she’s staring at you right now!”

“What?” I still, looking at him with wide eyes.

“Yes! She’s totally giving you the googly eyes!” Ned exclaims.

I swallow the food in my mouth and glance back down at my plate casually. Okay, keep cool, keep cool.. Don’t freak out Peter. Slowly looking up, I spot her immediately and truth be told, her eyes are stuck on me.

My heart almost explodes in my chest but not a second later, she looks away as her gaze is now on the tray in her hands. I continue to look at her, wondering why she was staring at someone like me.

Could this be it? Is she finally showing interest in me? Don’t overthink this. Her eyes look back at me once more, and she flutters her pretty lashes, entrancing me in her beauty.

“Well don’t just stare at her! Do something Peter!” Ned hisses beside me, snapping me out of my thoughts.

With all my courage, I slowly smile and raise my sweaty palm at her. Shit, what if she doesn’t smile back, I think to myself. No, I must do this, I need to finally be brave without my mask.

A smile morphs on to her cute face, making me practically melt at the sight. Her dainty fingers slowly reach up, raising it up to match mine and my smile widens. It’s happening! It’s actually-

“Peter!” The voice does not come from my beloved angel, but behind her. Someone blocks my view of Y/N, revealing to be Liz Allan.

“Why didn’t you show up to the last meeting?” Liz frowns, making my eyes widen.

Shit! I completely forgot about that! I was too caught up with taking care of the city and surveilling, that it completely passed my mind.

“Jeez- I’m sorry Liz, I got caught up with studying for my Spanish exam, I totally forgot about it!” I lie through my teeth, praying that she bought it.

“Peter-“ She sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose for a second, before looking back at me. “Just try to make it next time, okay? This championship really means a lot to me.”

“Definitely, I will!” I nod rapidly, and she rolls her eyes.

“Alright, bye you guys.” She leaves with a wave and I immediately turn my gaze back to Y/N.. only to see that she is no longer standing there.

My shoulders slump, a sad frown placing itself on to my face. My only chance to finally talk to Y/N.. and I blew it.

“Sorry man, maybe next time,” Ned pats my back sympathetically. I sigh, pushing away my lunch tray and place my head in hand.

-

You;

It’s currently after school now, and you’re sitting outside, enjoying the warm sun hitting your skin. A sketchbook in your hand, drawing your current piece of Peter. You’ve been working on it for months now, hoping to slip it in his locker one day as a gift, once complete.

You’re sitting in the middle of the bleachers, listening to students play a friendly game of football. It was nice out here, mostly quiet and gave you some time to yourself to think about things. Or time to work on your little secret project.

Humming a random tune, you are erasing a small mistake you made when the sound of a whistle startles you, causing you to drop your pencil. Great, you think, as you bend to pick it up. You look up carelessly and back down at your sketchbook before doing a double-take.

Low and behold, there was Peter, walking on the track with his backpack strapped over his shoulders. His skin and hair practically glowing under the sunlight. His big brown eyes looking at the boys playing football, before looking up at the sky.

“What is he doing here?” You whisper to yourself.

Peter never hung out by field after school, he always made his way to the nearby sandwich shop a couple blocks down. So what was he doing back here?

You look back down at your book, pretending to scribble something down. You bite your lip, placing your pencil down and glance up at him. This time, his eyes were on you and you felt your heart start to race.

He flashes you a small smile. Your eyes widen as you realize it’s directed at you, since no one else is on the bleachers.

“Hey-“ Peter waves, but is stopped short as a football hurtles towards him, hitting him square on the nose and knocking him off his feet.

“Peter!” You gasp, running down the bleachers and heading towards him.

You immediately drop your open sketchbook next to him and kneel over him. “Oh my god, are you okay?” You ask him, worried as he blinks repeatedly.

”N-Ned?” He asks, dazedly.

“No,” You whisper shyly. “It’s Y/N.”

“Oh, Y/N..” He repeats, before his eyes widen, he looks at your with big eyes and scrambles to sit up.

“Careful Peter!” You scold mildly, and notice the blood dripping from him nose. “Oh no, you’re bleeding.”

“I-It’s nothing! Just a scratch!” He attempts to play it off cooly, but winces as he touches his nose.

“Here,” You hand him a napkin from your bag.

“Thanks,” Peter mumbles, dabbing his nose with it. “This isn’t how I planned for this to go..”

“For what to go?” You ask curiously. He shakes his head and looks at you. His eyes stare into yours before scanning your face, causing you to blush.

“Hi Y/N..” He whispers.

“Hi Peter,” You stare at him back and smile lightly.

He seems to snap out of it, as he struggles to stand up and you scramble to help him.

“Uh, thanks for your help,” Peter clears his throat, trying to hide his embarrassment. He looks down and notices your book on the ground. “Oh here, you dropped this-“ He bends down to pick your sketchbook up but stops to look at it.

“Is this.. me?” He asks, looking up at you with wide eyes.

Oh no. “Um,” You bite your lip, mortified. “Y-Yes.” Now he’s really going to run!

A grin morphs on to his face instead. “That’s so cool!”

“Wait, really?” You raise your eyebrows.

“Y-Yeah.. it looks really good! Not that I’m self centered or anything, but you made me look good-it looks-you, uh, look good-“ His eyes widen. “I-I mean the drawing! Not that you don’t look good! You always do-” Peter stutters, making you crack a smile.

“Thank you Peter,” You interrupt him shyly, putting him out of his misery and take the sketchbook from him.

“No problem..” He blushes, scratching the back of his neck. “Hey, uh, are you free right now?”

“Oh, um, yeah I am.. Why?”

Instead of answering, he pulls out his phone and types into it quickly. “I passed!” Peter grins to himself and you quirk up a brow as he puts it away into his back pocket.

“Well, I’d like to repay you for your help.. So, would you like to share a sub with me right now?” He asks, looking at you with a nervous expression.

“Like, as a date?” The words come out of you before you can stop yourself.

“Uh, no! Of course not!” He snorts awkwardly causing your face to fall. “Unless you want it to be..” He shifts his gaze from the floor to you nervously and your mood skyrockets immediately.

“I’d love to..” You smile.

“Really?” He blinks rapidly and you nod.

“You sure you’re okay?” You ask again, worried as you notice the dry blood around his nose and he waves you off.

“I’ll be fine, if anything happens, you can take care of me.” He grins, and you let out a small giggle.

“Alright.. Well, shall we?” He smiles, standing beside you now and puts out his arm. You laugh a little at his gentlemanly actions and slip your arm around his.

“Also, quick question. Do you like your sandwiches flattened out?”

What a peculiar question.. “I love them.” You answer nonetheless.

“Perfect.” He grins and you both happily make your way down to the shop.

End.

-

a/n: this was so cute :’))) someone find me a Peter Parker pls !

[baehraini]

i cbf screenshotting her posts again so ima just quote her

1) when I’m disagreeing with an small obessed group all of which have Some cluster b disorder in common, yes I’m going to call you the cluster gang

out of all of the women that have been agreeing with me about u... im the only one i know of that has BPD or any cluster B disorder. the others with the same are hardly the majority.

2) yes you have a problem with the g spot if you think it leads to ripping a woman’s vagina open. I told you that story about a lover I had who I gave a G spot orgasm too that freaked out over it before reading up on what happened . You have piss poor reading skills if you think that was about me fisting her. As I simply didn’t fist her at all. I don’t fist every lover I have either, just the few who express they would enjoy it.

heres ur exact statement

why the fuck bring it up in the middle of a convo about fisting? no im not opposed to fingering or .. the g-spot. the fuck. back-pedaling @ its finest here.

3) why complain at all about how many hrs another woman has sex? That’s all on you guys. I can eat sleep sex for weeks if I want to and have before, who cares what you think about it.

girl no one’s complaining, ppl just think its bull as do i. but like, do u. again, ur sex life is urs. normal people dont go aroudn talking about how much they fist women and these womens specific experiences & orgasms with descriptors of said women. thats personal shit. thats 99% of where people’s criticism is coming from. boasting & bragging about shit like this is so disrespectful to YOUR sexual partners and thats why youre being compared to straight men. 

4) I’m not into penetration myself and have said this many times, obviously I wasn’t talking about having that preference in any judgements way. I simply pointed out the fact if you bleed from more then one finger in you then that’s something you should check out as how do you even put a tampon in. Fact is that is not normal for most women and your vagina should not bleed so easily. I’m simply looking out for you by saying this.

i bled because she was very rough and bad with her hands. she also added in a second finger when i wasnt even wet enough for the first one to begin with. it usually takes me time to get to the point where im able to handle penetration bc im relatively tight. with my girlfriend, ive never bled. the entire point of me sharing that story was to explain why i personally cannot even comprehend vaginal fisting, not to say that no female can handle more than 1 or 2 fingers.

5) if a lesbians sex life is her business she should be able to openly talk about it without you flipping yr shit especially since this is my blog and you are a stranger I’ve blocked from it and told that if you don’t like reading it you are free not too.

why are you reading my blog tho? youre 20 years older than me & have gone as far as say theres something wrong with my genitals & made comments about how my sex life must be boring or w/e. does that seem appropriate to you? consider that my mom is 47. youre nearing 41. does it seem appropriate to you that you’re talking like this to someone that much younger than you? 

ANYWAYS, the issue isnt you being open about your sex life. its how you speak of the women involved & how much you boast about it. plenty of the women i follow talk about fucking women regularly, the difference is how they talk about it. 

7) I’m none of those anon or other pages. You can stop making up profiles and sending yourself bs or at least stop trying to blame me for it. We all know I take too much pride not to let people know when I’m behind something and I would tell you off directly like I always have everyone else ever.

thats cool. you’re not the main suspect for those anons and the people i know that know u well enough also think it’s unlikely that its you. its pretty likely to be one of your buddies & most likely RAIDS. this is nothing new for her. 

i definitely haven’t made extra profiles to harass myself nor have i sent myself anons. 

8) let’s agree not to have anything to do with each already or unblock and continue this till forever cuz I was done with you the 1st day I saw you tranny stanning saying rape by deception wasn’t real rape and told you I wish you death by tranny cock, but obviously while I didn’t literally mean it you lived only to annoy me ever since instead of just fucking off and leaving me be.

you seemed to mean it literally and only started to say u didnt mean it recently. either way, the graphic shit you said about me sucking dick or w/e.. thats wishing me rape. especially when i said over & over im penis-repulsed and especially repulsed by the thought of having someones penis in my mouth. as for my stance on rape by deception, i changed my stance there & owned up to it being ignorant & wrong at first. either way, i never ever went to any victims of that and told them their experience wasn’t Real somehow.  

months ago i wouldve been alright with talking to you PROPERLY and directly but u refused to stop reblogging my posts while still having me blocked, which is the entire reason why i blocked you. bc it was annoying talking to someone who keeps reblogging from me and directing stuff at me on my posts while having me blocked. if u want to unblock one another and talk, i could maybe consider it at this point but ive been saying this for a while now: all i want is for u and ur buddies to stop lying about me, twisting what i say/said/do/did, and the like. i also want them to stop sending me disgusting anons. 

at the same time, though, if i see something shitty u or ur friends say (same as for anyone else), im bound to question & criticise it especially considering how aggressive & harsh you all are to anyone you disagree with. 

9) You and Eve are no tumblur therapists stop projecting yr mental issues onto me. The only problem I have with cluster b disorders is your group not leaving me be. If there was treatment for that which could make you all you away I would gladly take that magic pill as many times a day as it took.

honestly eve is pretty well off mentally esp when compared to you, and im trying to say this in the least insulting way possible. there’s a reason why so many people find you unreasonable, manipulative, bizarre, hysterical, dramatic, and sometimes comical. either way, trust me im not fond of diagnosing people online. i only ever bring stuff like this up bc its hypocritical for someone to diagnose people online as cluster B all while exhibiting just as many if not more symptoms themselves. either way, this is something youve been doing and refuse to stop doing to other people. just because someone doesnt like you or is critical of you doesn’t mean theyre somehow mentally ill, and it also definitely doesnt mean theyre not a lesbian. 

[jujubieberbae]

Missing You

Request: can you do an imagine where justin misses Y/N and be clingy everytime they talk bc he's on tour and with the help of Scooter and the crew, Y/N surprises justin on tour. love your imagines! <3

So sorry for the wait. Im a terrible writer. But I hope it was worth it.

Lectures - probably one of the most boring and time consuming activity incorporated into my daily week as a university student. The constant blabbing of a professor and failed ability to keep your eyes open only made the hours so much more unbearable. 

The female professor currently diverging into a heavy lecture on the topic of economic perspectives was really beginning to become increasingly annoying - not that it wasn’t before - but at this current moment, I had never contemplated throwing a text book at a persons head more then I had now. 

“From an economical point of view - the standpoint of where you are on the spectrum of wealth, age, health, income-” If I didn’t focus on something other then her voice soon, I was seriously going to cause a scene.

And that won’t look good on my report card.

If only someone were to come to my rescue and save me of my misery. A.K.A this class.

‘But that’s one thing that I know for sure. I’ll show you....’

The sound had my entire body stifling and eyes widening in cringing shock. All people within a 5 meter radius of me, turning my way with annoyed eyes. The professor at the front shot me a quick glare for interrupting her class, and as I dove for my phone, she continued to speak over the ringing.

I could of sworn I put it on silent before class.

Finally reaching the source, I managed to click the main switch and silence the phone, also setting it to vibrate only. A sigh of relief was blown through my nose, but was quickly drawn back in once seeing the name displayed amongst the screen.

A picture taken by Carl of Justin and I mucking about displayed against the name ‘Justin my baby boy ❤️❤️’.

I almost wanted to tear up at the name but managed to hold back the emotions and shove my phone back into my pocket. It had been months since I’d seen the boy and right now I knew he was in Sydney for the Hillsong conference. 

(😏😏 Hehe)

The poor boy had a completely different time zone then me and was probably up real late at whatever time it was, waiting for an hour he knew I’d be free. Though something I had forgotten to mention to him was that they had rescheduled my lecture today.

Damn it

After a second or two, silence from my phone finally overcame the blurring tone and all that was heard again was the professors voice. I listened intently, jotting down some notes as she spoke before once again, the ringing began.

Though it was nothing but a buzz this time, the sound was still audible throughout lecture hall, and once again, all attention was drawn back on me.

My first instinct at this moment being to just act like I couldn’t hear it and continue on with my work was a complete fail when the professor stopped and directed her eyes towards me, a scowl of disapproval present.

The professed folded her arms in clear annoyance, “Is there an emergency Miss L/N or are you deliberate trying to distract my class?” She called out in an annoyed tone.

Was she serious? It wasn’t like I was calling myself! I can’t control whoever was on the other line  - that person more then likely being Justin.

“No professor,” I vigorously shook my head. “It’s just that my bo-”

“Phone.” She suddenly interrupted, drawing out an arm with grabby fingers. At her request I froze with a frown. 

“What?” I questioned. 

“Phone Miss L/N!” She called out. I would be lying If I said this woman didn’t scare me, and with a huff - not wanting to annoy the woman further - I slid my phone from my pocket and stood up. 

I began my descent down the isle, feeling all eyes of many students following my figure with either a humoured, thankful or annoyed glare. Soon I was stood directly in front of the frightening woman, watching as she motioned me to place it in her hand.

And with a sigh, and a glance down at my boyfriends name, I sadly obliged. 

My shoulders slumped as I watched her draw away back over to her desk, and began walking back to my seat with a sad aura. Friends from around all glanced back with sorry eyes and with one last huff, I slumped back in my seat.

The professor on the other hand was glancing down at the phone, obviously ready to roast the shit out of me. All professor’s were the same. They all knew who my boyfriend was and loved to have a go at me. Maybe they felt satisfaction in having power over a popstar’s girlfriend.

“’Justin my baby boy, love heart, love heart.’” She read out the contact name for the class to hear. Many chuckled at her announcement all except me, who slumped back in the chair with red cheeks. “I’m guessing this is Mr Bieber.”

Lord kill me now.

“I didn’t know you were so kinky Miss L/N.” She smirked. Was this even permitted? Though once again, the class laughed and I remained silent.

Suddenly, a ping was heard throughout the room, and the professor’s smirk grew as she looked down at my phone. “Justin wants you to call him as soon as you get this message. Or, and I quote ‘Baby girl please call me when you get this I miss you’re touch, sad face’.”

Why was she doing this?! Oh lord I feel so embarrassed.

Then another message rolled in, and as the professor smirked, scanning her eyes over the message, she suddenly paled over and it hadn’t taken me less then a minute to realise what had happened.

Justin tended to talk dirty when I didn’t pick up, it was a method he had which was to make me flush enough to the point where I got mad and called him back to verbally abuse him, which usually lead to a normal conversation.

“Uh, Y-You can take you’re phone back Y/N.” The professor suddenly stuttered. “You can call you’re boyfriend outside.” She announced, until she suddenly perked up, the professional manner once again taking over. “But you only have 5 minutes.”

With an exasperated nod, I made my way down the aisle, grabbing aholf of my phone and was out the door dialling the boys number.

The call hadn’t even made it through the first full dial before Justin’s voice was heard through the other side, his voice urgent and excited. 

“Hey baby girl! God I missed you, What are you doing? Wait- don’t answer that you’re probably studying as usual. How are you?” The way the boy raced through his words had my heart swelling in adoration, it really showed how much he missed me.

With a chuckle, I glanced around at the few students bustling through the halls before sighing. “Slow down baby, I’m good. What about you?”

“I’m great! The Hillsong is really fun. But’s it’s kinda boring without you.” He muttered. 

Awe my poor baby. “Yeah, I’ve seen some photo’s. You’ve actually been stopping to take some pictures with fans. It look’s fun. But don’t think too much about me, don’t let me spoil you’re fun.”

“I miss you.” He suddenly blurted and I chuckled heartily at the way he felt the need to tell me.

“Me too baby.”

“I wish you were here.” He sighed quietly. “How’s Uni?” 

“I-It’s good.” I stuttered. “I’m actually in lecture hall right now.”

Justin’s voice ceased for a minute, before he suddenly spoke up with a shocked and apologetic tone, frantically spluttering words in urgency.” Oh shit! Are you getting lectured? Did I interrupt you? Shit baby I’m sorry. I didn’t kn-”

“Relax Jay.” I giggled. “It’s fine. I mean my professor publicly humiliated me but It backfired in her face when you started sending messages, and I got to leave the class for a bit. Win win, right?”

“Backfired in you’re professors face?” He questioned. 

I sighed. “It’s a long story, I’ll facetime you later.”

“Facetime.” He muttered to himself. “I wish you were here to tell me instead.”

The way he spoke always made me feel so bad. I was the one who rejected his offer to go on tour with him but school came first, he always told me to never quit it considering he regret dropping out himself.

“I’m sorry baby.” I frowned, furrowing my eyebrows. But Justin’s voice once again came back with urgency.

“No it’s not you’re fault! I just miss you is all.” 

“I know.” Then it was silent for a second before I decided to speak up. “What time is it over there?” 

A few shuffling sounds were heard, as well as justin breathing an “Um.” before he spoke. “It’s 3:30.”

“In the afternoon?” 

“In the morning.” He corrected. 

I gasped. “Justin baby, you need to sleep!”

Though I could just picture Justin shaking his head. “I don’t need sleep, I need to hear you’re voice.” 

His words, so charming, he knew just how to make a woman feel special, but overall I sighed. “Baby you have to be up early tomorrow and I’m sure Scooter will kill me if he knows I kept you up.” 

“Scooters awake too.” Justin announced and I sighed muttering a ‘smartass’ under my breath.

“Well I gotta get back to my class anyways. At least before my professor eats me.” I muttered.

“Hey!” he growled. “Only I get to eat you.”

My cheeks heated at the sexual joke he pulled, sighing as i heard him chuckle through the line. “You are disgusting.” I whispered. “Alright, I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Okay.” He frowned.

And as I went to pull the phone from my face, he suddenly called. “Wait!” 

I hummed. 

“I love you.” He cheesed and I chuckled. 

“Love you too babe.” 

And then the line went dead. I felt bad for the boy, he’s been so clingy lately and I knew that was just a result of the distance and the lack of time we’d had to spend together. Now time for one more quick call.

With a few clicks of a button and a number of dials, the person finally picked up.

“Hello?” The raspy voice questioned.

“Scooter!” I exclaimed. “Hey, I need you’re help...”

Justin POV

“Hi Justin!” 

The smiles of people from around were really beginning to get to me, a smile of my own plastered across my face. The way people where really respecting me here made me feel welcomed, they gave me space and most kept their phones away.

I waved at the girls currently calling my name, grateful that they ceased to take their phones out. They smiled, approaching me with an intent to converse and not take pictures, God I was enjoying this. 

But I wish Y/N was here.

“Oh my gosh, hi.” A blonde smiled in a cute australian accent. 

(A/N: Ew. I hate it. But Justin likes them so.... *sassily flicks hair over shoulder*)

“Were so excited you’re here.” She exclaims, motioning to the brunnette besides her who began vigorously shaking her head in agreement.

“Are you enjoying hillsong?” The brunnette asked. 

I nodded, smiling down at the two, they looked young, but not child-like. Mature, maybe 16, no less then 15.

“I’m loving it. I love being able to exclaim what I believe, ya know?” I smiled to which the girls nodded. 

“Yeah, I come every year, It’s a fun way to preach.” The blonde said.

“It is, isn’t it?” I agreed. “Yeah my friend Carl is a pastor and we came together, I just feel li-”

“Justin!” A voice suddenly exclaimed, interrupting me of my sentence, and I spun on my heels to spot scooter motioning me over. With a nod, I held a hand out to the two in front of me, a pout on their faces as I announced “One second girls.” But they nonetheless nodded. 

“Yeah?” I questioned as I approached the man.

“Was I interrupting something?” He questioned. 

With a glance back at the eager girls still eyeing me with patient eyes, I nodded. “A little.” 

“Well in that case I should just leave.” This time, the voice came from somewhere behind the bulky man in front of me, this one being a familiar rasp of femininity who I had yet to hear in person for months.

My eyes widened, heart sinking but also speeding up momentarily. I felt mixed, emotions wise - happy, confused, joyful. She was here, really here. My baby girl.

“Y/N?!” I questioned with a hopeful mindset, some sort of doubt that it just might not have been her building within, but as I spot a petite body emerging from behind, that doubt withered into a joyous reunion.

“Baby!” I exclaimed, running forward. Catching Y/N In my arms, I lifted her and began twirling my baby girl around. She laughed, clutching into me for dear life when I finally settled her down.

“Are you really here?!” 

At the words, she chuckled, reaching both arms to link behind my neck. “Yeah baby I’m here.” She clarified. 

The smile on her face left me trailing my eyes over her lips, a tugging urge to lean forward and place mine against her’s was overpowering, and in a matter of seconds I found myself doing just that. 

She wasted no time in returning the gesture, no surprise evident on her small being as she intensified the kiss. People around watched on with smiles, some with their phones out recording the scene before them but for once, I didn’t mind. 

I wanted to remember this moment for the rest of my life. I had never missed her as much as I had now and now she was finally back in my arms. Slowly, we finally began pulling away with red cheeks, a slight blue tinge also from the lack of oxygen.

God, I missed those lips.

“Fuck I missed you.” I sighed, leaning my forehead against her own.

“I missed you too.” She whispered.

“But I mean, what about school?” I frowned. 

Y/N only shrugged. “They can wait on me for a while. Besides, this is so much better then daily lectures.”

I chuckled, closing the space between us. I intertwined our lips once again, moving the flesh in sync with each others. Pins and needles shot up between the space she touched, the girl had me numb with her fingers yet I loved the feeling, just like I loved her. “ So much better.” I agreed.

___

[ateezgf]

ok before i try not to speak on it again, i want to say im scared. i live in a city with one of the largest naval bases in the u.s. that alone puts me in so much danger just for living here. and i’m so very scared. it’s really hard to just ignore this and i’m not. i’m going to keep myself as updated as i can but i will not spam the dash/my blog with information as im sure not everyone wants to see it. every now and then a post may show up, but i’m gonna keep my blog/dash a safe space and a way to just..... ignore what’s going on because i can’t handle overflowing myself with the information. but i’m scared and i have no idea what’s going to happen.

edit: hhhhh i know that other people are more directly effected and in danger than i am and i’m scared for them as well. theyre going to become an even bigger target. everything about this situation is scary and if things continue to escalate then it’ll only get scarier. i’m not trying to say that only america will be effected bc obviously not. i’m just expressing fear for this overall situation for everyone involved. i dont want to put myself above anyone. im difjekdkdks allowed to feel a bit anxious bc if things drastically escalate and everything, i’m in an area that would be a target. i’m not trying to say i’m more at danger than those in iran/middle east. just overall the situation is scary and i’m scared for everyone.

[saintkimora]

ok……..here is the long awaited post of what happened on saturday night! (Last Saturday night btw not yesterday night) ive been too busy to post about it until now but it is juicy

so as i said on saturday, joel and i were texting on and off that day but it was weird as usual. so after i showered i wrote out a text to him saying that even though we havent been communicating much recently i still miss him and think about him all the time and that i appreciate the chances i do get to talk to him. so i sent this message but literally the second it sent i got a message from him. like we sent our texts at the same time. so i started reading his text and it started with “perry……im really sorry but what we have isnt working out” skafjhkajdhfkjads so i felt like a jolt in my legs and had to sit down. so he sent this long ass breakup text and here are the basic points that he used

he isnt ready for a relationship/exclusivity (even though HE was the one who literally deleted all his dating apps the day after we met bc he wanted to focus on pursuing me)

he hasnt been making the effort and i deserve someone who does

he hasnt been opening up and he is aware of that bc he knows he isnt ready

i deserve someone who is in a better place in their life than he is rn/someone who has their stuff together

i dont deserve what hes putting me through

he wants time to be single and make mistakes and regret them (stupid ass reasoning btw)

he knew using texts was the wrong way to end it but he wasnt strong enough to do it in person

he apologized if i feel like i wasted my time on him/if i regret anything ive done w him (since the last time i saw him before this was when i had sex with him)

hes sorry that he isnt treating me better

not my fault at all

so yeah that was the text! i didnt even read it fully until later on like i skimmed it and called him immediately and asked if we could talk in person (ofc i got all choked up trying to ask and almost started crying over the phone) so he said yes he owes me that much so i grabbed my tissue box, tried to put on my shoes (my mom had to help me bc i was shaking too much) and drove to his apartment and then sprinted to his apartment from where i parked a block away. i got there and his roommates werent home so it was just him. he opened the door and i said hi and he let me in and it was v solemn so we went into his room and sat on his bed and this is where the drama really started

so i was like “can i have a hug” and he was like “yes” so we hugged and i started crying. so we hugged for a while and then we separated and i was like “ok so explain why you want to end this” so he started explaining it to me. i was crying and he was crying too but i was crying more obv! i was like bawling. his eyes were red and tears were falling and he was sniffling but he wasnt like crying hard

so he just explained that he was in a bad place when he met me and he still is in that bad place (in reference to his depression) and how its not me its him and how i deserve someone who puts in the effort and doesnt distance themselves from me and actually has the time to see me and i was annoyed bc caleb did the same thing and i am sick of other guys telling me whats best for me like *vicki from rhoc voice* how do you know whats best for me? and like obv just bc you have depression doesnt mean you dont deserve love, like he said he still liked me and wanted to be with me and how it was breaking his heart to have to do this so i did not want him to end something just bc he felt he didnt deserve me or that he wasnt worthy of my love or anything like that 

so he also explained how he wasnt ready to settle down and i was like sis we arent even officially boyfriends yet, its not like im asking you to marry me and have kids lmfao and he said he wasnt ready for exclusivity so i was like “does that mean you wanna fuck other guys?” and he was like “i dont know” so ????? and he was like “im feeling conflicted” so i was like wtf is going on in here on this day

also i asked if his roommates were home and he said no he was home alone tonight and that was part of why he was feeling so bad and its like sis…..if being alone makes you feel worse then making yourself even more alone by breaking up w me doesnt seem like the best way to fix that! and i told him that i was free tonight and he couldve just invited me over if he was feeling lonely and he was like “i thought you would be busy” like sis literally the only times i am ever busy on saturday nights is when im with him!! lmao

he also said he wasnt opening up bc he couldnt/wasnt ready for it yet, but like i wasnt asking him to open up like all i wanted was for him to put a modicum of effort into our conversations just to show that he cared, like we can just keep doing fun things like im not asking him to get all deep and vulnerable with me (although i would love that too)

so we just had a very emotional time, i was crying my eyes out nonstop and he was lightly crying as well, there was lots of hugging and holding and stuff so like i was really really REALLY losing it like i was so MESSSSSSSSSSYYYY like i was just getting all in my feelings and saying all the things im gonna miss about him and like apologizing for anything i did wrong/apologizing for not being enough for him and like it was really really bad. but i was still also cracking jokes like a dumbass throughout the whole thing lmao bc i like to find the humor in things

i decided to mention that i was originally planning to ask him to be my bf officially on our next date (that plan had changed since he became cold and distant the past week or two but originally i was planning on doing it on the next date after i got back from the retreat) just bc i was being emotional

at one point he was laying on the bed and i was sitting on the edge of it crying (and covering my face bc im an ugly crier even though he’d already seen plenty of footage of me crying at this point) and he held out his arms and was like “come here” and i was like “no” and looked away and he was like “please” like that was very satisfying bc it showed that he needed comforting as well at that moment

at one point i was just laying on my side rolled up in a ball scream crying into my hands now THAT was messy. it was nice though bc joel moved in behind me and tried to hold me and calm me down. speaking of calming down! there were some points where i got like………REALLY bad like i was breathing so hard and fast it was troubling but whenever i had a wave of that joel held me and tried to soothe me and help me breathe

i even offered to have an open relationship if he wanted (bc this was during the exclusivity convo) bc i was just trying to grasp at any straws i could at the moment in the hopes of reaching an agreement or just stalling for time so i could move past his walls and get through to him. in reality i would never even consider it bc it is definitely not for me but at the moment i was desperate. he said no though bc he knows i wouldnt want that and he said he didnt want me to compromise myself for him

so then this is when we reached the turning point. so joel was laying down and i was like half sitting on the bed/half laying on him. and i said something along the lines of “you dont have to go through this alone, i wanna be there for you” and like when i said alone he lost IT! like we had a breakthrough he started bawling just like i was this whole time!! obviously it was hard for me to see him in that state but it was also kinda nice to see how much he cared 

but then he started breathing really fast and he was like “i think im having a panic attack” so i was like uh oh so i was like omg do you want me to get off of you or something but he was like no stay here so i kept holding him and tried to help him ride it out. but then he choked out the words “i think im making the wrong decision” like !!!! i have never felt such a strong feeling of hope in my life! but i was just like its fine dont worry about it just breathe and btw during this event he was laying on his side so he was looking to the side while i was kinda on top of him so i was like at him. so then he turned to look me directly in the face and………………………

he said “I love you!” like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hearing that made me SO so happy so i was like “i love you too!” and we hugged and kissed and then he was like “ask me!!” and i was like “ask you what???” and he was like “ask me what you were gonna ask me before!” and i was like “OH! joel……will you be my boyfriend?” and he was like “YES!” and then we hugged again and laughed and made out and it was really really passionate even though we were both gross with tears and runny noses, like it might have even been the most passionate kissing ive ever had! it was a very emotionally intimate moment and i loved it

so then he was like “im sorry” and i was like dont worry about it lmao so then we just continued cuddling and kissing and stuff for a while. he told me that he knew i loved him back bc during my breakdown i said “i really really really really liked you” and he said he knew i wanted to say i loved you lol

he also said hes gonna try to open up more and put more of an effort in so!! that was nice

so it was hot in his room and we were all sweaty on top of being gross from crying so we showered together which is always fun. and during the shower he was very touchy and he would like press his body against mine and give little kisses on like my chest or my back which i really loved. we also did some sexual stuff too

then we got out and dried off and he finally said he would watch flavor of love with me!! so we watched a few eps and it was super fun. then we cuddled until we fell asleep holding each other which is always one of my fave parts of our dates. he was very affectionate and sweet and i really liked it. then we fell asleep and in the morning i had to go home bc i had work or something

so yeah thats it! it made me really happy that he said i love you (and that he said it to me first!!) and i made sure he knew that he could always ask me for anything he needed if he was feeling down again or something. so now fast forward to today he is back to texting me every day and being an active and engaging texter! and i went over to do homework with him on monday night which was fun! and then on friday night he invited me over at like midnight and we got checkers and then we hung out and cuddled and watched more flavor of love. and then we did some more sexual things which was really fun! he was really really into me again and he literally is the hottest guy ive ever met so i enjoyed getting to make him feel good and stuff

on friday the 13th i am taking the gsa eboard + jami w me to go see the addams family musical at his school since he is part of the pit orchestra so that will be fun! i am very happy to have joel back and i am even happier that we are officially boyfriends now! and its so so so nice to get i love you texts again!! overall i am very happy with how things turned out and i am glad i fought to make it work instead of just seeing the text and being like ok bye

[disarmingly]

:D

Ah, thank you so much for agreeing to the commission, you made me really happy!

Don’t worry please and take all the time you need! I can be patient if it‘s worth the wait and with your works it definitely is.

To be honest I‘d like it even more if you wouldn‘t explicitly state that they are soulmates - but you can still make it as soulmate-y as you want. I know it‘s pathetic but this way I can tell myself that it‘s a realistic story and that it could also happen in the real world? Ah, please just ignore this I’m stupid for wanting to find someone like that. Don’t let my rambling burden you please.

You can reply however you want, with or without showing my messages, however you feel more comfortable. If you’d rather speak to me directly you can also use this mail address if you want to but if you’d rather talk via tumblr that’s fine as well :)

Could you however do me a great favour please and tell me at least vaguely what amount of money you’d like to get? Because I know that your work and your time and the effort and soul you put into your writing are essentially beyond prize/priceless but I want to give you at least something in return and therefore I’d like to know with what kind of price you’d be ok. So could you please tell me? :) You don’t have to tell me right away, you can think about it a while longer if you want to. But please no saying that your working isn’t good enough to be payed for or anything like that because it obviously IS good enough or else I wouldn’t be willing to pay for it, would I? ;)

Have a good (relaxing, fulfilling, maybe even happy) day

Commission anon

P.S.

Not commission related and probably a bit too personal but; is there anything one could do to make you feel a bit more safe or grounded? You sound awfully lost in your last posts and it pains my soul to think that you might be hurting. So if there’s ANYTHING that might help, that I could do please let me know. And if it’s too much/too personal to ask this or too overwhelming and confusing right now or if makes you uncomfortable then please ignore this and just pretend it was never there.

i can definitely make the soulmate thing very clear. that is a thing i haven’t done before so im interested in it i mean in that it would be a very like…concrete thing rather than my typical kind of implied or proven ways. some combination ^^;; especially for yoonkook / sugakookie im interested in this. i have so many ideas for this sort of longing and finding and completion motifs that im always really into haha ;; it’s like you picked things you already know i like ;; i feel al ittle bad…ah uiojklefsd i will do my best. as for price i um…i mean i have just no meter for the worth of my own things… i was looking around at other fic commissions and there seems to be a range of 15-20 dollars? for like 3k? and then $5 for every additional 1k? but idk if that’s reasonable or just what i’m seeing bc that’s all twitter is showing me squints into the distance…..some people have different base prices than the 15-20 for longfic ranging from like 40-50 but at that point i become really uncomfortable. i know that when i asked someone their opinion they were like blah blah professional writers blah this many words per blah etc…and they weren’t wrong. professional writers do or at least CAN get paid like $100 a day but lol i was like first of all i think i’ve seen people pay for fanart maybe around 80-150? but i think writing is generally harder for people to um… put a monetary unit on. idk. im using that acronym a lot im sorry ;; im just nervous ah. this is one huge clump of babbling ;; i havent actually slept in a few days so like is why im able to answer haha bc my nerves are lowered i guess bc im so…sleepy…b-but i hope that…is a sense of things? at least or if you want i can babble more later…in mail or something ;;

it is selfish of me but the post script makes me feel idk like im always crying a lot lately but that sort of crying that it gives me is kind of hopeful. it’s not so much that i think it’ll be okay like oh it will be okay but that…the crying is like a path to thinking sometimes things are close enough to okay. i always look at how worse people have it. i try to be in perspective no matter how bad it gets for me it cant be so bad because its not like it is for other people in more dire situations. but then i think if someone told me they felt like this i would tell them: everything is relative. i would tell them its okay to be worried or sad because thats the honest feeling….but somehow even knowing this i cant quite do it for myself. i think though a thing like what you tell me, that you care and stuff…ah it’s really… im so stupid haha it’s like too much and just perfect all at once because i guess part of me needs that. but i should do better. to deserve it. im sorry i hope this makes sense. i think this is my last reply of the night but mor e later ihope…

please take care commissions anon<3 and thank youfor thinking im worth…anything. really thank you…/rubs eyes ;_;

[survivorcordillerablanca]

Episode 8 Confessionals

This is long overdue but I've been busy because my brother got married woooo! Okay so FINALLY WE MERGED! Jordan and I survived the hell tribe and we made it here. We had to lose Jay which absolutely sucks, I feel terrible for voting him out but I did what I think was the right thing. The biggest piece of news is that I was literally on the merge tribe for like 10 minutes and ended up FINDING THE IMMUNITY IDOL!! I WAS SO SHOCKED I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!! I haven't told anybody about it but I might....MIGHT....tell Jordan about it to show that I do trust him after wavering so much on my decision about potentially voting him out. We have an auction coming up, I hope I get something really cool from it! Bryce told me that he was the one that gave me the idol but Zach told me that he was the one that pushed for him to give it to me so I'm thankful to the both of them for that. I think I could get good with Carson, Zach, Bryce and Charlotte. Katie and I have bonded over our love of true crime, she's super nice and her connection to Jordan Pines is incredibly strong so we can do this. I believe that Copa isn't dead just yet. 

finally got into an alliance with charlotte and chris

i bid well at the auction and got a nifty apple that lets me sit out for a round #blessed

Finding out someone I want to work with is an Amy Schumer fan.... maybe shouldn't work with them :/. Jk!! But am I even DKSFJSD

zack just sent me this message "and im in kuang si (it’s a main season, if you know what those are) asdjfk" I dont know how to respond to that

Merge sweet merge! Okay so I'm officiallly in an alliance with Katie and Charlotte. We're the Senior Citizens. Katie is playing up to Jordan that she doesn't have any allies in hopes of him telling her any potential people from Ulta who might flip. Meanwhile I have to PUBLICLY pick 3 people to go to the wishing well with me. Obviously taking the Senior Citizens, but I then decided on Bryce because he was the only person not mention by Jordan as someone he thinks he's working with. Immunity just happened and as of right now I feel content with my score but some people are insane and will destroy me. I really hope I win because I feel like I'll get cut as soon as the opportunity arises.

me two days ago: I should probably try to be less hostile towards JP. me today: DISADVANTAGE GOES TO JP. i'd say i'm sorry but that would be a lie.

am i up to date on confessionals 

hope i dont go home probably should have used my advantage 

We merged!!! and im stressed as hell. i have NO idea what im doing. chris won this wishing well thing in the auction and took katie, charlotte, and bryce. so it set off alarms to me and zach so we're working on the me/willow/zach thing we were planning on before, we just have mroe of a reason now. the plan is: vote jordan pines this first round (even though hes trying to talk strategy with me and if eel bad bc i told charlotte to use the disadvantage on him) recruit luke and katie and vote chris out at final 8 and thats our plan so far bc... its hard to plan things in survivor! yeah i have no idea i hate the merge especialyl when i know where NO ONE sits

Whose got two thumbs and flopped at immunity? THIS GUY. But it's all good. We have two clear outsiders in the form of luke and Jordan. I feel bad because I genuinely like luke. I'm hoping we can get rid of Jordan and then I can swoop up precious baby luke to use him to get some of the ulta's I'm not close with out. For now, me, Katie, Carson, and charlotte are going for Jordan unless something drastic happens. 

I'm tired and I've been essentially goating myself this game yikes 

So at this point, it's the morning of the first merge tribal. Exciting? Yes! Nerve-wracking? Yes! Willow won immunity. I lowkey was going to force a tie because I know any intellectual could get 5 at most (Willow's smart, so I just expected it) then her comp adv. of -2 would ensure her a win since 3 is theoretically impossible. SHE GOT TWO! Good on her though! I overall chose not to snatch her score because I felt really bad, and it was with someone whom I potentially was going to work it or would work with. Speaking of, Willow, Carson and I formed a trio alliance. We both comprehend that the two Copa need to go soon. I think it'll be Jordan Pines this vote. However, a) I don't want Luke to go JUST yet, as we can utilize him, and b) the votes might flip and ADIOS me! I also have worrying speculation of an alliance including the newbies. This is purely because of whom Chris decided to take on his little... trip to the wishing well. It's just a little suspicious, considering Carson admitted to me he talks to Chris relatively every other day, so it was shocking. Nonetheless, it's a game decision, doesn't matter much.. My game plan from this point forward is to just try to be fairly more social. I've been talking to Chris and Katie a lil more. I'm on relatively good terms with Luke. Carson and I are best buddies. Willow is a LEGEND! - then we have Bryce, a king who I don't talk to much but is iconic. Charlotte, a literal icon. Jordan Pines! (that name along speaks for itself). It's going, I guess. We'll see ^-^

So I finally found the wishing well thing and I completed my task yay!! I can now see who votes who for one tribal but idk when im gonna use it tbh. I think I'll tell carson about it b/c hes my number 1. But for this vote i'm hoping itll be easy and be one of jordan/luke just gotta talk to the other ulta people.

Okay so I think its just gonna be the easy vote of Jordan? Hope its not too easy and im not too complacent

Here's the thing. Anyone who has ever played with me before, or knows me, knows that I pretty much play the same game. I stick with my alliance and only turn on them when I need to ... I'm not one for cannibalizing the alliance too early. But ... I'm bored. Everyone's quiet, no one's exciting me, and I really just want to watch the world burn. Do I like Jordan? Eh. Will he make the season more exciting? Absolutely. If I can convince Katie and Carson, or maybe Zach, to vote for Jordan ... the game will flip upside down.  I'm here for a little Chaos. 

is Jordan gonna die tonight? the answer probs wont surprise you as YES. AHHHHH. IM GOING HOME FUCK FUCK FUCK ME, FUCK YOU RYAN TEDDY PALMER. I am trying to save myself but i may be all out of lives.

I'm watching Shookstralian Survivor and writing a confessional, I hear this episode is iconic so I'm preparing! Michelle is winning btw! Okay so back to Cordillera Blanca...I didn't win immunity...Jordan didn't win immunity which means that both of us are vulnerable at tribal and one of us could potentially be going home tonight which is worst case scenario. As of now I think the votes are going to Jordan and I would be open to playing my idol on him but I would need to be 100% certain that I'm not getting votes because I DO NOT want to idol myself out. If I lose Jordan this round I do still have my Golden Monkey Idol to fall back on at the next tribal council so hopefully that work out in my favour. Right now Jordan and I are trying to pull in Charlotte, Katie and Zach to make a majority of 5 so that we can take over this tribe. Stay tuned...;) 

Did Jordan just save himself? MAYBE?????? If all goes according to plan,  me zach luke, charlotte and carson will vote for chris and blindside him 5-4. So #letsnotkilljordanpines

Omg so I have a randomized vote this round which really sucks but I sent in a fake vote so if people ask I can hopefully trick them also I'm shook I won immunity with4 guesses

So... charlotte wants to flip and zach does too which.. i gues?? djksd we with jordan andl uke.. a VERY tight duo pretty much, and its gonna be hard to break that, so we cant let them get far. but getting chris out right now?? idk if its right. im still a bit bitter over him not taking me to the wishing well [3:59:22 PM] Jordan Pines: same here <3 [4:00:34 PM] carson: (y) if i hear anything i tell u but just know I'm down with u lukle charlotte and zach [4:00:46 PM] Jordan Pines: same here <3 also jordan sent the same message to me twice which.. kinda shady but like i hope its not anything bad?? if he rats us out i dont think im the biggest target but like.. ya never know in this game. also idk if my social game is good bad or whatever, buti m hoping its good and it can propel me to a victory?? zach keeps saying hes my lapdog andj ust.. uh i dont want that i want to be equal allies. whatevs?? idk. also willow's vote is apparently randomized from what zach said and charrlote found where the iodl was hidden but it waas found so someone else has it... so idk. IDK i feel like flipping on the entire tribe and doing 5-4 the first vote is soooo risky. im thinking that me/zach can tell willow we're voting chris even though her vote is randomzied so she cant rlly do anything?? she doesnt talk  a lot of strategy because she takes awhile to respond but she's cool and id definitely say i trust her more than most people here. like bryce, i cant read him or chris. katie's cool but i feel like shes a bit fake to me like saying how much she trusts me when we dont talk that much?? and charlotte/jordan/luke just give weird vibes idk. only person i trust 100% is zach ig uess because we talk 24/7 and hes cool. hope this vote can go as planned, and im still kinda having cold feet, but like... i dont wanna lose jury votes so i either commit or go home.

hi can i have an episode title i came up with someone very clever here it goes: Why are all my tribe mates children like hey whats up welcome to lord of the fucking flies.

So this vote for the longest time was going to be Jordan. I was going to stick with it, but knowing me, I don't like boring games and it'd be predictable to do that. Charlotte came to me about voting out Chris. Not that directly, I guess, but mentioned flipping. I was down for it, but I wanted to talk to Carson. LUCKILY, she wanted to include Carson to, so we made an alliance ^-^ I believe right now the vote is sailing for Chris. I feel bad but it's the game, and you gotta do what you gotta do. No hard feelings. The game is tough. WHY DO I PUT MYSELF THROUGH THIS ALL THE TIME ARGHGH