#well i can technically delete it afterwards but should I?

[wefeedonnaturalchaos]

Wait...

Are there people following me???

Why???

I just exist to consume content

I've been lurking on Tumblr for AGES with no interaction for as long as I can remember

You know what I don't mind, I'll go back to being a hermit

Forgot I was here

[kisses-and-tales]

The End

Wow, I’m amazed this blog still exists. I guess I only deleted all the old posts but still kept the URL in case I need it again... It’s a bit funny and ironic, the title. Because this is technically the first post and yet it is about the ending and death of my very short-lived relationship (Not sure if I can actually really call it as that ._.)

We ended things yesterday. After these last few weeks of inner turmoil. It was really really bad though, and I'm still kinda in shock with how things have turned out. At the end of it all, he blamed me for everything and was also trying to get me to admit it was all my fault. It felt like he just wanted to win the argument, and it was no longer about trying to get us both to work things out. For the past few arguments (there were about 3-4 of them, within the last 2 months), I was always the one who remained calm while he lashed out at me. After all his lashing out, he would usually realise that he had gone overboard and talked nicely and gentler to me afterwards. But this time round, I was just too tired and drained to be the calm or "mature" one, so my reaction was extremely bad. Which resulted in the entire situation ending really badly too.

The Start of the Evening

When he came to pick me yesterday, he was actually in a really good mood. Unfortunately, I wasn't. I tried to pretend a little, but it was really hard.

I was in turmoil the whole entire afternoon after he cancelled afternoon plans on me. We were supposed to go Sentosa, but that didn't materialise because I pointed out that it may rain in the afternoon, so perhaps we wanted to do some indoor activities instead. He said that he did not sleep well the previous night so let's meet in the afternoon instead. I was disappointed, but I kept it to myself. I agreed. But the whole entire afternoon, I was just waiting around for him to text me back to confirm with me what time to meet for dinner. I really felt like I was being put on standby. And his whole "let's meet / let's not meet" thing is wearing me out.

In my mind, I already sort of know that things were going to turn out really badly if I were to say anything or not be happy or excited. I should have matched his mood, but I couldn't bring myself to. So I told him I'm really tired and my cramps were quite bad (not exactly the truth, they were still bearable), so I wanted to rest and sleep a little in the car. He was like, "okay you rest", but I could tell his mood dipped a little. I have become so in tune and so hyper-aware of his mood that I can notice the change from his tone, words, or just the slight twitch on his face.

I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep because I wanted to try to regulate my emotions and gathered my thoughts. I kept contemplating whether to bring up how I felt the past few days to him. I didn't want to bring things up in the car while he's driving because it will definitely distract him, put him in a foul mood, and make him lose focus. It will be dangerous for the both of us.

So while I closed my eyes, I could occasionally hear him sigh and grunt a bit here and there. It wasn't too much, maybe just 2-3 times throughout the entire 30 minutes car ride. I didn't fall asleep, and I don't know how I manage to endure the slight discomfort and anxiety bubbling inside me. Quite amazed of myself now LOL. There were 2 times he slammed the accelerator damn hard and the car lurched forward quite vigorously - I could literally feel my heart racing when that happened. Of all the 3-4 months of dating, I've never seen him speed like that before. To be fair, of the previous months of dating, I've never said I wanted to sleep or rest. I usually stayed awake and chit chat with him throughout. He could probably sense I was a bit down, so that could have affected his mood. He jam braked 1-2 times and it actually jolted me a bit. I knew in that moment from the way he drove that he was not in a good mood at all. Uh oh uh oh.

He dropped me off at ORP so I could go up to my office to take my laptop (which I have dumped in office on Friday night because I wanted to go party - intention was there, but again did not happen because I was too tired and too sad, can you imagine that?! Me giving up partying because I was sad over a guy... Okay, I digress lolol). He drove to OC Centre to park the car. After I took my laptop, I walked over to the carpark to find him so I could put my laptop in his car before going to the restaurant nearby. Things were still okay while we were walking there. I promised him during the week that Saturday night's dinner would be my treat since I just received my bonus in late Feb / early March.

At the Restaurant - #1 (me asking him about his feelings/emotions)

We were directed to sit at the counter seats, and we made our food orders. Then I asked him how has he been feeling because I'm worried about him. I was asking specifically on the text messages he sent me on Friday morning. He had told me that he did not have the ability to have fun or enjoy himself so he preferred to meet me on Saturday evening for dinner instead of spending the whole afternoon together (which I had asked him to plan for it on Thursday). He explained that he had been losing focus at work, and his emotions were really depleted and he couldn't give anymore. He also said he needed to focus on himself more to fill up his "cup" because there was very little water left.

I asked him how he's dealing with that, and he admitted that he doesn't really know the exact reason that's causing him to feel this way. He hasn't really sat down and try to really understand how he's feeling. I asked him whether the anti-depressants are helping, and he replied "I think so". I said to him maybe it will help to talk to someone. He shared that he did have a counsellor before and it was quite helpful. But each session he had to pay $100, and that amounted to about $400 a month, and he felt that the money could be better used elsewhere. He then said he felt that he just need to find a new hobby, another new thing to focus and direct his energy into. He wanted to become really good at this new thing so he can feel better about himself. I nodded in silence.

I should have kept my mouth shut there and then. And in my gut, I knew if I were to say anything else, he would get really triggered. And things would not bode well at all. And yet, I just couldn't keep my mouth shut.

At the Restaurant - #2 (me telling him how I have felt recently)

I started off saying I know things have been difficult for him, and I'm sorry he has been going through a hard time. I am really worried about him. Then I said all these things are also affecting me quite a bit and it's making me really sad too, because I really care about him. I pointed out perhaps because his emotions were really depleted, so I find that lately he couldn't be as present as I would like him to be. And I am trying very hard to be understanding. I said I want to have more consistency, reliability and effort in my relationship, and I don't think it's too much to ask for (big big big mistake, because he took it that I am criticising him and pointing out his inadequacies). I explained that when I brought up about feeling like we have grown more distant on Thursday night, it wasn't meant to find fault or make him upset. I wanted to bring it up to let him know how I feel, so that we can address it together because I wanted us to be close again. I said I wanted to share my feelings with him because we are a couple and I wanted to let him know.

It was a huge mistake, I swear. I think my communication is just really really bad. Because he basically took whatever I said to be me attacking him and simply finding faults and criticising him.

At the Restaurant - #3a (his initial reaction)

His face went dark completely. And he was completely silent for a good 5 - 10 minutes. It was rather uncomfortable sitting in silence, knowing full well he's processing whatever I said in a bad manner. But I kept quiet, and just waited. I know I cannot ask him, or say a single word, because it will trigger him even more. I knew he was very affected by what I said and definitely took it the wrong way. This was based on all the past arguments we had regarding his tummy and lack of effort / commitment in following through his promises - where he would always say I am criticising and attacking him. So I waited, and waited.

Then suddenly, he took up his phone and wallet, and said to me in an emotionless tone, "you enjoy your dinner, I'm going to make a move."

I was very very shocked. Hurt that he wanted to just abandon me like that. So I told him can he not do that because it is very disrespectful to just walk out like that and his behaviour is very hurtful to me (and he later on blamed me for this - more to come, so sit tight and watch it unfold).

He sat back down disgruntledly. Then he started lashing out.

At the Restaurant - #3b (his behaviour that completely turned me off)

He said, "you are farking negative and problematic! Always being so demanding. Always finding faults and issues with me. Then, what did you bring to the table huh?"

He said it quite agitatedly and although I was expecting this outburst, it still came out as quite a shock nonetheless. I didn't know what to say at that point in time. In my mind, I would have liked him to tell me calmly that he's sorry I felt this way, and shared that he actually find it quite hurtful and sad that I always seem to have a lot of issues, but he wants us to talk things out and resolve it. I wanted him to reassure me and asked me more about it to understand how I feel, and at the same time, also share with me how he feels. In a calm, composed and mature manner. But nope, I didn't get any of that.

I guess I am asking for a bit too much. He did mention before how is it fair of me to expect him to still consider my feelings when I hurt his feelings first? It's like selfish and self-centered me wanted him to show understanding towards my feelings and not take this as a personal attack. But his first response was always to take whatever I say as a criticism and he had to defend himself by "attacking" me in return. I really don't know how to communicate better.

It always feel like a "me vs him" problem rather than a "us vs the issues". I am really really bad at communicating that somehow, I managed to always trigger him to adopt the "me vs you" kind of stance. My intention was to bring up the issue for us to tackle and discuss about it together as a team. I told him before after our previous arguments that I wanted it to be a us vs the world kind of thing, rather than fight with each other. He promised he would do better the next time... He always promised, but he hasn't really followed through. And yet, I cannot point it out. Because he would get really upset about it. And it's making me question myself. Maybe I really asking for too much.

Then he continued on and he was getting a bit crazy.

He said, "you know, everything is always my fault. It's always about me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, ..." He was repeating the word non-stop and in a fast-paced manner and it was getting really scary because he was facing me and being confrontational and pointing at himself while repeating. So I said in a rather rude manner, "can you stop that?!" On hindsight, if I have softened my tone while asking him to stop, maybe things wouldn't have escalated so badly.

He listened, and he stopped. Then he said, "it was never about you, you, you, you, you. It's always me."

I think by then I was really not having it anymore. Every single cell in my body was like this is it. I already switched off. I can't do this anymore. Why am I allowing myself to be subjected to this? In my mind, I wanted to end things tonight already. I couldn't take it anymore. I realise at that point in time, I did not have the capacity to really embrace his depression or his shit, and to be completely okay about it. I am not proud of myself for not being able to handle it all. I did not have the emotional strength. I really just shut down. And I think that switch in my brain caused everything to go downhill later on. Because I could no longer talk nicely or calmly to him. I was agitated as fark later on too.

Just then, the food came and his first response was, "can I have my dinner in peace? Can I eat now?" It was super wtf, and he was actually really waiting for my response. I said very irritatedly, "yah? You can." He replied, "thank you! Thank you for the meal!"

When the 2nd dish came, he asked again, "so can I eat?" By then, I was really disgusted. I said, "yes" and then he said, "thank you!". I just shook my head in disbelief.

I was very put off by this exchange. Even though I know he's most likely behaving this way because he felt hurt and his mood was already really bad to begin with.

Now thinking back, I keep trying to understand what had just happened. I know he reacted this way because he was hurt. Perhaps he had a lot of angst and frustration inside him, so he took this outlet to unleash it. And is it okay to not be okay with such a behaviour? I don't really understand. Am I being selfish and self-centered for not wanting to be treated this way?

At the Restaurant - #4 (the rest of the dinner)

We spent the entire dinner in silence. Cold shouldering each other. I couldn't eat much. I had no appetite. And I told him, "you can eat everything. I'm not eating anymore." And he really just gobbled everything up. When he finished his beer, he asked, "do you mind if I order another one?" Like why the fark does he have to ask for permission? I said, "yah go ahead". Inside my mind, I was like how did things turn out this way. How did that considerate, funny and gentlemanly person turn out to be this way? Maybe I just cannot take people at their worst. And shame on me for that.

We continued to sit in silence as he slowly drank his beer. I was feeling more and more anxious and uncomfortable. My stomach started to act up and I had to go to the toilet. I really wanted to just leave the restaurant, go to his car and take my laptop then go off.

I already shut down, and I just want to get out. My state of mind wasn't good anymore. And it contributed to what would happen later on.

I told him I'm just going to get the bill, so he finished up his beer.

The Break-Up Argument - #1 (It's all about the money)

After we left the restaurant, I told him let's get back to the car so I can take my laptop and leave. I was walking ahead, and he was walking very slowly behind. It was irritating me, because I really just want to get the hell out and away. I made it back to his car first, and he was just nowhere to be found. I was extremely irritated. When he eventually came back to the car, he said "let's talk in the car" I said no, because I really cannot anymore. It was my mistake. I should have agreed to talk inside the car, instead of outside at the carpark where everyone could hear us. Maybe if I had agreed to talk inside the car, things would not escalate so badly.

He started saying that everything he do for me is always not enough. He asked me to reflect what did I bring to the table? He pointed that that he's always fetching me around. He put in effort for all the dates except for tonight... I only planned for this one date and even then, I was trying to get him to find drinking places or to plan for the afternoon. I admit that I wanted him to contribute as well, because I already sense that he's putting in less effort compared to the past. And if I just let him be, he will probably just be very enabled from now on and just fark care. Sadly, this is how little faith I have in him already...

He continued saying that after the first month, he told me that his credit card bill was $3k, and I agreed to only eat nice food once a month to help to save money. But now I am finding fault with him, saying he doesn't put in effort to plan dates and how I'm finding the relationship boring (I did not say I find the relationship boring. On the contrary, it has been everything else but boring. The constant anxiety was driving me nuts. How to even be bored?!).

He said something along this line, "I drive you around, pay for everything, then what did you contribute?"

So this whole paying thing is really my fault. Initially, I did offer to pay, like if he paid for the meal, I'll pay for drinks. It was how it began. But he would always say, "are you sure? I can pay for drinks too!" I would reply, "hey! Let me get it! Because I'm a strong independent woman!" After a while, I guess I also got a bit comfortable, and did not offer to pay so frequently. He would always take the bill when it comes, so I thought he was okay about it. But clearly, he wasn't. It ended up with him paying 3-4 times for every 1 time I pay... I really should have been more aware about this.

I said to him, "why didn't you tell me about this?"

He said, "why do I have to tell you? This kind of thing you don't know how to auto one meh? Still keep saying you are a strong, independent woman." - I just suddenly recalled he threw in this strong, independent woman phrase and you really gotta love how he would always use whatever I have said about myself against me in arguments

I was goddamn triggered. And I became super passive aggressive. I said "okay, so you want me to pay you back now?"

He said, "yes, that would be great! You can just transfer me whatever amount you think is fair."

And then there was silence as I was taking out my phone and opening up my banking app.

I know he was being paggro as well. But at that point in time, our emotions were running high. I felt that the whole thing was very wtf, but I didn't want to owe him anything anymore. So I transferred him $1.5k. And nope, he did not transfer back LOL. I mean, why would he? I am the bitch.

On hindsight, it felt like our entire relationship was reduced to this. It all amounted to this. It felt so transactional. All the times he was nice to me, he was keeping count, and holding resentment towards me that I did not reciprocate the same amount. Where did it all go wrong?

The Break-Up Argument - #2 (What did I do for him?)

He continued to say, "name me 3 things that you did for me!"

I didn't say anything. I did not know how to respond after all that had transpired. I was stunned.

So I kept quiet. I should have said something, but I couldn't process anything.

The fact is, I think I did. Sure, I did not have any grand gestures unfortunately. All I did was subtle and not outwardly visible. Maybe because they aren't grand gestures, so they aren't counted?

I was always trying to be understanding whenever he was not on time or couldn't confirm with me the exact time to meet. I was always waiting around for him to be ready - for which he did thank me before and said not a lot of girls are okay with waiting. To be honest, I did not like to wait at all. I hated it. But for him, I'm willing to tolerate and try to accept. I did not make noise about this, because I already feel very bad that I couldn't accept the tummy issue. I told myself, everything else gotta go. I cannot keep nitpicking. If I can bear it, I bear it. It's fine.

While it irritated me, I was okay for him to always be late. What I am not okay was for him to keep me on standby, or one moment said let's meet, then cancel on me the next moment cause he's not feeling well or not in a good mood, then later on, say sorry, okay let's meet again.

He was always falling sick. So sometimes, when he said he want to pick me up or meet me, he might last minute cancel and say he really not feeling well. I was disappointed and sad, but I always say, "it's okay, you rest!" First few times I really am okay. After a while, it is always the same narrative.

There were times when he was not feeling well, I went down to his house area to find him instead. I know he didn't have the energy to drive down or travel far, so it's okay for me to travel down. And this one I really did it willingly. Because I wanted to see him. And I didn't want him to be so tired all the time. I thought this was me being considerate and thoughtful towards him, but clearly, he didn't think I have done anything for him.

On Valentine's Day, I wrote him a card and thanked him for being patient and understanding with me for all my flaws. We did argue about the tummy issue 1 week before V Day. He did not get me anything, no flowers, no small little gift, no nothing. He bought me dinner. And while it was a little disappointing, but it's okay. I thanked him for the dinner, and I think it was then we sort of agreed to be official. It was very casual, like "well, let's just make it official since we are already dating exclusively?"

Many times when he was in a bad mood, I tried to be as understanding as possible. I asked him how he was, and encouraged him. When he let me down or disappoint me sometimes, I was upset, but I kept it to myself because I want to protect his feelings. Also, I was tired of him being triggered and getting upset at me again.

I honestly feel quite maligned and misunderstood. Because we parted ways with him thinking that I really did nothing and contribute nothing to the relationship. But there's nothing I can do now. It's all too late.

The Break-Up Argument - #3 (Him expressing how he feels)

(I recorded the argument from this part onwards, so I transcribed the conversation below and added my aftermath comments. The reason I have recorded was because I have a tendency to over-exaggerate things, and I don't want to unfairly pin it all on him. And I also want to objectively assess what he said and also see how bad my responses are so that I can work on them next time.)

He said in a rather defeated and sad tone, "you are the one who's been having a lot of unhappiness with me. Come to think of it, that's why you are always having all these issues with me. If I didn't care about you, will I always drive to your place to pick you up? Or send you home no matter how late or tired I am? There are things I don't like about you, but I just accept. You are the way you are, and I don't want to change you. All the times you go drinking and partying with your friends, I am worried about you. Sometimes, I really couldn't sleep because I am thinking if you are okay. If you call me to come pick you up, no matter how sleepy I am, I will do that. Not just you, I will send your friends home too. Haven't I done that? Haven't I proven myself to you?"

And he did, he really did do that. I was grateful and appreciative of course. But at that point in time, I did not respond shit. I should have said something. He was hurting, and he was explaining his POV. But I was already switched off.

He continued, "Not even once I criticise you, only today... I learn to accept it, and not make it an issue. I just want to support you, despite there are many things I am not happy about. Think about it, how would you feel if you keep supporting someone and then you keep being told by the other person that there are things about you that you are not happy about? You see even now, you are not trying to think from my perspective. You are only thinking about the things I said and how it makes you feel..." - this is unfortunately very true. I did not have the capacity to really consider his hurt feelings and address it because I was too stunned and shocked by what had transpired. If only I had handled it better

He was really sad now, "cause you always think I'm beneath you, that I'm not good enough for you. That's why I must keep proving myself to you. You feel like I bring shame to you. Shameful for you to introduce to your friends. Shameful for you to show to your parents. That's where all the problems stem from. You feel that I am an embarrassment, that's why you keep trying to change me. The moment I speak up, you see, what does it amount to? It amounts to this. If you really cared about me, it would be a different story. You would be hearing me out. You would be understanding. And try to make things work. But the moment I tell you about how you've been treating me, you just want to break up. Isn't it all boil down to the fact that I'm beneath you?"

My heart ached as I hear the recording and transcribed it down. He must have felt really really hurt by me. And I feel so bad for not reassuring him or telling him that I hear him, and I'm sorry for making him feel this way. Unfortunately, he is right about the part where I don't feel proud to introduce him to my friends or parents. I know I am superficial as fark, and I am very ashamed of myself. But I really never consciously think he's not good enough or beneath me at all. But I can see how my reactions and behaviour could have caused him to think this way. And now my heart is aching and I'm crying because I have hurt him so badly. I have made him feel inadequate and not enough for me. That's not how a relationship should feel like. It's not fair to him. I wasn't fair to him. He shouldn't have to suffer in a relationship where he felt like he's constantly trying to prove himself. This is really all my fault.

And it's not true that he's beneath me at all. There are other good things that I looked up to about him - him being intelligent, and smart. Him being so perceptive (although sometimes it's quite scary like during arguments) and able to provide me with emotional support as long as it's not a relationship issue ._. He's very good at managing his finances. He's good at adulting. He's good with strategy (like when he explained about his game and how he think things through and I was honestly in awe), and how he's really good with directions. We could always have intellectual conversation, and I really appreciate that about him. When he's in a calm and good mood, he is a fun person to be around. He is a filial son, and while he has some childhood trauma with his dad, he's still always bringing them around for dinner.

But it's too late. There's no chance to tell him now. He walked away thinking that I never cared about him. He walked away thinking that I never wanted this at all. I admit I was hesitant and doubtful at first. But I really tried. I tried my hardest to make things work. I wanted to make things work. But I guess at the end of it all, it was not enough for either of us.

The Break-Up Argument - #4a (Him trying to get me to admit it's all my fault)

My response was really really very bad that I want to slap myself now. I said, "after hearing all these, I was really very selfish and very heartless. You know what, I really don't care. So you deserve way better and we can just end things. You can put in your effort in someone who's more worthy. Like I am just not the one. It's neither our fault, it's just the way things are. There's been a lot of things I haven't told you about it, but then of course, it's all my issues. Because I'm always finding fault. I'm always having a lot of problems. I don't want to say anything anymore, there's no point. You are absolutely right about everything!" - farking paggro as fark, seriously. And damn freaking defensive. And yet I still dare to say he's defensive. I behaved very very badly as well.

He really took this opportunity and jumped into it, "exactly!!! So you see, if all along you don't want this, don't farking find fault with me. Admit it. Tell me straight to my face now. Admit it nicely that you are the one who didn't want this."

It's just so tiring how towards the end, he just wanted to win this argument. He wanted me to "lose". That's just how it felt. Like our relationship amounted to nothing except for him to win me in this. Why? Why did it turn out this way? I know I responded very very badly, and if I could go back again, I wouldn't have said what I said.

At that point in time, I felt very shocked and cornered and didn't know how to respond properly. I didn't know how to respond in a kind and thoughtful manner. It's no excuse. It's my fault, and I could have handled it better. I absolutely take full responsibility of my part to play in this. I have hurt him. My words were farking paggro. And I really couldn't see things from his perspective while my emotions were going haywire.

Yet, I couldn't help but think that him not wanting to take on a single shred of responsibility is really off-putting too. Why, did it turn out this way?

The Break-Up Argument - #4b ("just admit it already!")

(word of caution: my responses were damn farking paggro and triggering)

Me: "I like how you just like to put the blame on everybody. If I really didn't want this, I would have walked away a long time ago. But you know what, it's fine. It's all my fault. It's always me. Right from the start, I didn't want this. That's exactly what you want to hear." - farking paggro and spiteful, argh

Him: "Now you say, it's always you. On the other hand, you have been giving me all the problems. To you, it's always me. Now you come and say that to you, I always blame everything on you."

Me: "I never say you always. At the end of it all, you think that I'm the problem. And I take it lor. I'm always the problem. This is not going to work out. You know what, I'm really bad at communicating. I'm really heartless, this is the kind of person I am. You are better off without me, so just go find someone else who is going to be able to accept you for every single way you are, and won't find all these problems and issues. I always find problems and issues."

Can I just say that while my responses are really paggro and wtf, I feel like never once have I attacked him or blamed him? It was all mostly self-directed and being really paggro, like yah okay, my fault. Yah it's me. Yah what you want me to do? What you want me to say? I already say it's me.

Him: "now you still don't want to admit..."

Me: (cuts in abruptly) "I already admitted it's my fault, what more do you want me to admit?!" - this is getting ridiculous

Him: "You say in this kind of tone. Not once have I heard you being apologetic. Not once. Not even once."

It's like at the end, he just wanted me to apologise and take all the blame for everything that had transpired. Maybe he didn't mean it this way, but that's how I felt. It all started with me bringing up in the restaurant how I felt we have been growing distant, how his mood has been affecting me, and how I would like more consistency and effort in the relationship. I agree that I did indeed find a lot of problems with him and that I definitely have a part to play in this. But it feels like he just wanted to blame me for everything. It feels like he doesn't want to take any ownership or responsibility for his actions, words and how they have affected me. Because how I'm currently feeling is because of me. It feels to me that he is saying that how he behaved or acted is because of me - that I made him behaved and acted in this manner, which in turn had hurt me. So source problem? Me.

I really cannot take it anymore, so whatever I say next is quite triggering, "so what? You want me to kowtow to you? Kneel down and beg for your forgiveness?"

Him: "Say nicely lah! All these things that I have said, do you admit it's the truth?" - this guy is really a champion. I'm sorry, I know I am at fault for a lot of things, but the way he said this and I am transcribing word for word so I'm not exaggerating. This is really damn off-putting. I really have had enough at this stage.

Me: "Fine, it's your truth. But that doesn't mean I have to accept your truth. It is your truth and I acknowledge that."

Him: "so yah, exactly. You see, you didn't want this all along. That's why you make it so difficult. You keep finding faults with me." - okay to be fair to him, I was really quite aimai from the start. And I did have doubts and uncertainties. I think he was quite tired from it also. Eventually, I told myself, nope I'm going to stick to this and make it work no matter what. I made the decision to stop being aimai, and I was really trying. But it seemed like my reluctance and hesitance at the start really got stuck with him and he couldn't let it go.

Honestly, no matter how much of it is my fault, to have him constantly try to get me to admit or agree with him is really damn off-putting. It feels so transactional, so calculative, and makes me wonder, has he been harbouring such ill feelings towards me all these while? Which is why he kinda pulled back on his efforts in the relationship as well?

The Break-Up Argument - #4c (broken promises and then more fault again)

Me: "At the end of things, you still try to make it seem right from the start, the root cause is that I didn't want it, and so I have a lot of problems... You actually made a lot of promises, and then you asked me to be patient, okay fine. But have you really followed through?" - okay, I admit I wasn't being very coherent and couldn't articulate properly. He really has a way to shut me up and made me speechless.

Him: "what kind of promises? You say it now."

Me: "It's just the little things that add up. Let's say, you said you wanted to write some plan on your exercise. Inside my head, I'm like don't say such things that you are not going to do it." - after a while, I really have zero faith in him for following through with anything, that he might as well not have said it anymore

Him: "aren't you the one who say don't write?" - i did this because I know he won't do it. And I also don't want to add unnecessary stress to him when he's already sick. But he's really a champion in being able to rationalise and justify everything. Okay, this one I give it to him, because I say don't write.

Me: "yah! Because you are not going to do it anyway!"

Him: (changing the topic) "you see, the whole point is you have been unhappy with me all along, so you keep finding faults"

It's like he just wants to wash off all his responsibility in how things have turned out. It's not about him not following through his promises. He did not do anything differently, he's just like that, and it's just me constantly finding fault. Somehow, he made me feel like me expecting him to follow through on his words is not right. All that I am feeling is just me finding faults. I really am speechless.

Me: "So right now, what you want me to do is you want me to admit it is all my fault and I didn't want this, so that you can feel better about it?" - oops, clearly not very speechless

Him: "Who gives a fark what you think anymore? I don't give a fark. You can think whatever you want. Since you are having such an unapologetic tone..."

Throughout our entire argument, he was constantly using an accusatory tone, and being quite aggressive and harsh on his words. And I am getting extremely extremely tired of this whole "admit it's your fault" narrative. Whatever guilt or sad feelings I felt about him when he expressed how I have hurt him just melted all away because this entire admitting fault thing is getting ridiculous.

The Break-Up Argument - #5 (me being a bit more confrontational so yay kudos to me)

Him: "You wanted to talk. And I am here talking to you. I say to you nicely shall we talk in the car, you didn't want to. From the start, you are like I don't want to talk about this, I want to go already. How can I bring anything up to you at all?" - I feel like this is not getting very coherent anymore. It's true I did not want to get in the car, because I was scared, and shocked. But now he somehow could use this and say I don't want to talk properly? He hasn't been talking very properly actually. For the past few arguments, I really was the one who remained calm and didn't say things to trigger him more. Unfortunately, I am ashamed to say that I have really reached my limit yesterday night.

Me: "why is it everytime there's anything, you have to be so aggressive and your tone has to be so bad? You have to make such mean comments!" - I wanted to say he was actually a bit abusive in his words and tone towards me but I held back. I really held back.

He was like, "what is a mean comment? You tell me. What have I said that is mean? Have I criticised you for anything?"

Me: "you say things like I'm farking negative and problematic. Very demanding. Then now you come and tell me, but you are like that what. What's wrong with pointing it out?"

Him: "you say you are negative. Isn't that something you yourself have admitted to it?"

I did tell him right from the start when I laid out all cards on the table that I'm naturally negative, and I have a tendency to find faults in my relationship. I wanted him to be fully aware of what he was getting into so that he doesn't feel shortchanged. At that point in time, he told me we could work things out together whenever such issues arise. And now, every argument, he would use what I had told him about my own vulnerabilities against me. And this is apparently not mean in his POV. I am really speechless. I think he's too shrewd. I probably cannot date a smarter man. Argh.

Me: "and then you say my tone is very bad. What about your tone? Is it very nice? You have been speaking respectfully to me? You wanted to leave just now in the restaurant!" - I think I really lost it at this point, becoming quite aggressive and accusatory.

The Break-Up Argument - #6 (the restaurant houdini stunt he wanted to pull - yes i am being sarcastic now)

His tone actually softened a bit, "because I wasn't feeling very well. I didn't want to argue. That's why I wanted to leave and clear my head. You told me not to leave!"

Me: (more agitated) "Of course! You just leaving like that you think that's totally respecting me?!"

Him: "so you rather keep me there, feeling uncomfortable and unhappy, not having an outlet to process my emotion because of your face! That's more important right? Your face is more important than me going to clear my head for awhile, then coming back in later. Which might allow me to communicate better. But no, it's about how you look if I walk away..."

Okay I know that he reacted this way because of his childhood trauma with his dad, which he told me before like how his dad was always very very concerned about face, and everytime would chastise him if he did anything that make him lose face. So I get that it is a trigger.

But this is also triggering to me, because he obviously looked like he just wanted to leave and not returned. What bullshit. He did not even tell me he needed some time to step out to clear his head. He just wanted to leave. And besides it being embarrassing for me (of course it would be), it was really disrespectful and hurtful too! How can someone who loves me be okay to subject me to such embarrassment, and disrespect like that? Is this okay? Or maybe I'm asking for too much? I'm getting quite confused.

Me: "How would you feel if I'm the one who walk away?"

Him: "If it has to happen, and you are going to come back, then is fine." - Bullshit, he would not be fine. If me bringing up how I'm feeling can trigger him so much, me walking away is going to be even worse cause that's literally a physical visible action. At this point in time, I really cannot already.

Me: "no? You say enjoy your dinner, I'm going off already. That's exactly what you said!" - Omg, really a win for me this time. GG, why am I stooping down to his level?! I really have to call him out on this bullshit.

There was a 5 second silence - I swear, it was in the recording. He continued, "then when I was sitting there, did you enjoy the dinner?"

Me: "I tried to talk to you, but the first thing you said to me was I am farking problematic and demanding. What else can I say?"

There was another 5 second silence. And he doesn't know how to respond to that. So instead, he said, "now you don't even feel that you are the one who's so unapologetic and finding faults..."

Eh? We are at the him leaving the restaurant topic, and somehow he can bring it back to me not wanting to admit it's my fault again.

The Break-Up Argument - #7 (fault, fault, fault and keeping scores)

Me: "I don't know what you are trying to achieve. Trying to get me to admit? What's the point?"

Him: "yah, because I want you to admit it's your fault!" - yes he really said these exact words. I really have no more words, seriously. I mean, I was feeling really bad towards him as I listened through the recording, but towards the end, I just cannot take it. I admit my responses probably pushed him to say all these things also...

Me: "And then so? What is it going to achieve? You are entitled to your truth, and I am entitled to mine." - I am farking guailan at this point in time. I mean, yes I could have handled it better, but my emotions were really really bad at this juncture already.

Him: "Then why are you trying to change my mind? When I tell you all these things, and you don't accept..." - I did not try to change his mind?!

Me: "I am not trying to change your mind about it."

Him: "Can you name me 1 thing you have done for me?"

He was really still harping on this. I really cannot. Like what the heck is with all these keeping count? Okay, I probably am really a horrible and terrible girlfriend, fine. I take that. If I were calmer, I could have responded properly. But even so, why does it feel like he's keeping a scorecard? It feels like he has been keeping a score at the back of his mind on all the things I have done and have not done.

Do I want to be with someone like that for the rest of my life? Why does this whole relationship become so transactional towards the end? It really really saddens me. Are all these because of his insecurities? I am really trying to understand. Is it because I have hurt him so badly that he needed me to reassure him that I have done enough things to show that I really want him and I really want to make things work out?

Me: (paggro like fark) "nothing lor!"

Him: (triumphant) "yah, see, it's really nothing. You see, this is the passive aggressive thing you keep saying you want to change. And then you didn't even try." - I feel like at this point in time, he already has a fixed thought and view about me, and he just wanted me to say and confirm to reinforce what he thought about me.

Also, he really liked to bring up whatever I have shared earlier against me. This did not happen just once, or twice. Many times already. The past few arguments, I really controlled and stopped with the paggro shit. But now, I really am at my wits' end. I'm not proud of this. I really cannot tahan. And he still come and call me out on this. Fine. Then what about all the times after our previous arguments where he said he would talk nicely and calmly? Then is it happening? No. I really have had enough. I didn't even bother pointing all these out anymore.

The Break-Up Argument - #8 (the conclusion)

Him: "If I wanted to point all these things out, I would have made it an issue. How you keep pointing out my stomach. Pointing out about me being aggressive. But I've never once say you, because the moment I say it out, like now, you are not happy."

I am unhappy not because he was pointing out my flaws or the things he didn't like about me. It was really the way he put it across, and how he continued to be so accusatory, wanting me to admit it's my fault and wanted to win the argument. He wanted to feel better. Wanted me to feel like it's all my fault, and that he was never in the wrong. He was the victim. It honestly felt a bit like gaslighting but in a very subtle and indirect manner, I guess.

I had the last words but I honestly don't feel great at all: "whatever it is, in your mind, it is all my fault. I am a farking problematic person. Let's just leave it as that. I honestly don't see a point in us wasting time and talking about it anymore."

And then I left. I was in shock. I was kinda traumatised. My whole head was just like, "what the fark just happen? What the flying fark?"

The Aftermath

And he proceeded to delete me everywhere. Our chats from Telegram disappeared. He deleted me from Linkedin. Removed my contact. Which is very understandable.

But I can't help but feel really sad. Because the past 3 months of dating - and it all amounted and culminated in this. It ended so badly. It was as if there were absolutely no good feelings between us anymore.

It ended with him thinking and believing that I never cared. That I never tried. I felt so misunderstood. I really tried very hard (perhaps not enough). I know it was not fair to him at all whenever I find and bring up so many issues.

But at the same time, I feel really maligned. I really wasn't attacking or criticising him at all. I was really affected by him and all his emotional ups and downs. I felt anxious, I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I was constantly watching what I had to say. I feel like I need to suppress my needs and wants and just protect his fragile mood and feelings. And his reaction towards how we ended things really reinforced this.

I wanted to tell him so we could fix and resolve together, as a team. I didn't want to end things. But it ended up with him being so defensive and saying it's all my fault, like how is this being productive? I know I didn't react well, and I really regretted some of the things I have said. And I mostly regret all the things I never get to say to him.

He mattered to me. And I really did care. I know me trying to "control" him or change him (because of the tummy) is really really not right. And this really stems from my own insecurities and issues (which I really have to work on). But having him keep bringing up the fact that I didn't want this relationship right from the start and that it's all my fault made me feel very belittled and dismissive of how hard I really tried to make us work. I guess, I didn't try hard enough.

Right now, I still think about him. I wonder how he is now. Is he spiraling? Is he cursing me and really hating on me right now? After 3 months of being together, is that all he thought of me now? Well, if blaming me and painting me as the absolute villain makes him feel better and helps him heal, then so be it. I just feel really sad and hurt that he had so much pent up resentment towards me. And it came to a point where it was simply too late to salvage and resolve.

I really miss the good 1 month we had. The times where we were just getting to know each other. He was considerate, gentlemanly, and really nice as well. Yes the rushing of the physical part was too fast for my liking, but otherwise than that things were great. We could connect intellectually. We could banter, and have fun, laugh about things. He was able to provide me with that emotional support. I knew it.

I remember whenever he smiled, he looked really cute and it actually warmed my heart. He was happy. I was happy. I really thought we could become something more.

But then things changed, because I started noticing and minding and mentioning the tummy. I acknowledged that I really did cause everything to go downhill.

He probably really did not have the emotional capacity to deal with all these maturely. I was a mess, he was a mess too. Might even be a greater mess than me.

I kept at it because I saw our potential of how we could be. If you ask me if I like how we were for the past 2 months, no I absolutely do not. But I held on to it because I thought things could turn out better. And that I am tired and really afraid of all the loneliness (which I eventually have to tackle).

Right now, I'm just feeling the heartache, and the sadness of how it all went down.

Yes, his behaviour was off-putting and it was quite traumatising. But I really don't believe he is a malicious or vindictive person. How he has behaved is a result of his trauma, and insecurities, and all the depression and inner issues that he has. Which is very very sad.

And somehow, I felt that I may have left him in a hurricane with the way I handled things. He's very easily affected, and I feel really sad that he could be hurting badly right now.

I hope I'm wrong though. Maybe with his whole "it's all her fault!" thinking, things may actually be better for him.

This is the right thing to do. Me walking away. I know it's an eventuality. I just didn't realise it would come so quickly and it has ended so badly. I guess I was trying to prolong the inevitable.

But despite knowing I have done the right thing, it still hurts.

[naryrising]

OK here are answers from someone who does know about the "how it works technically" side of AO3 (hi I'm head of the support team there)

You can't combine works once they're posted. If you post Work 1 and then post Separate Work 2, there's no way to merge those into a single work, other than deleting one and reposting it as Chapter 2 of the other work. This is messy and unpleasant for readers.

You can sort of combine chapters once they're posted, if by that you mean something like "I posted chapter 1 and 2 of this work and now I want to merge them into chapter 1 and add a new chapter 2" but it's going to be weird and probably confuse people who had already read the story. But you could do it, by editing the chapter and replacing the previous text with the new existing text.

You can't post a single chapter of your work as Chapter 5. Your chapters will be numbered in the order you posted them, so the first thing you post will be Chapter 1 by default. You can rearrange them afterwards however - when you add a new chapter after posting the first one, you can choose what number to make it (e.g. do you want to make it chapter 1 or chapter 2?). Again, this is kind of weird and likely to be confusing to people who are reading, but it's possible on a technical level.

If you amalgamate your work as the person above suggested (by posting your individual chapters as separate works and then deleting them and posting a revised single version), you can do that, but you'll lose any feedback on those works. Anyone who had bookmarked or subscribed to it will lose their bookmark/subscription and not automatically be redirected to your new version. I would not advise this unless you really don't care about whether anyone comments/kudoses/bookmarks/subscribes to your work. It's possible to do but may make people sad (for instance if they loved your story and bookmarked it and then the bookmark vanishes because you deleted the work.)

You can post as many draft chapters as you want and they won't be deleted, as long as there is a visible posted chapter. The 1 month limit on drafts is for works, not chapters - there's no limit on how long AO3 will store draft chapters. So if you wish to, you can post one chapter of your work, then add anything else as drafts on AO3, and they'll be stored indefinitely. I still recommend composing your work elsewhere, just because it's always better to back things up, but the warning above about not trusting AO3 to hold your drafts doesn't apply to chapter drafts.

Given the information you provided, I would advise making a series. You post the chapters you have right now as Work 1, Chapters 1, 2, and 3 (for example). Since you said they stand alone, this is fine, no one is going to be annoyed or anything by it seeming 'incomplete'. Later, you can post Work 2, which is the earlier section of the overarching story, and you can put both Work 1 and Work 2 in a series and indicate that Work 2 should be read first in the series. If you later write more, you can add Work 3 and put it in the series as well. This is overall much more pleasant for readers because they don't get confused by chapters being deleted/reordered, or by a story being incomplete, or about what order they should read things in.

You seem knowledgeable about AO3 etiquette and I have a question.

This would be the first fic I've ever posted on ao3. This will be very awkward wording and I'm sorry in advance.

If I am planning on writing a fic but I've written parts of it and they are out of order, is that okay to publish? Like, I know it's going to be roughly 13 parts and I've written the middle chapters (it can be read independently of the rest). (Is this what series are for???)

If I write the middle chapters and publish them, can I combine them with the beginning chapters at a later point? Or should I wait until I've written the beginning?

Thank you!

@this-is-a-nice-show

Congrats on writing your first fic @this-is-a-nice-show

Ok this is a tough one. I’m not an expert on ao3 especially not how it works technically.

When posting to ao3 in a multi chaptered fic, it asks you to tell it which number of chapter it is out of how many chapters. So MAYBE you can start with, say, 5/13 and then later add the first ones?

I’ve never seen anyone do this though. So i could be wrong.

If it can be read independently from the rest you could consider this a whole fic and then the first part as a sort of prequel you post separately later? Or it might just be easier to wait until you’ve written more of your fic — the first chapters — before you post. Or you could consider all 13 chapters as stand-alone stories and post them as separate little fics/ficlets that you collect in a series. There are a lot of ways about it but i’ve only ever been quite straightforward with posting fic so again, i’m not an expert.

[the-writing-artist]

Reality Check

I read a fic recently that foolishly claimed that Jeremie was actually the safest whenever XANA attacked, and that the other four took much bigger risks by going to Lyoko all the time. While going to Lyoko does involve taking some risks (I mean, the Digital Sea can delete you forever if you fall into it), I pose that Jeremie's actually the most in danger during attacks, and I have proof, by listing all the times XANA’s attacked Jeremie.

Let's start with the Prequel, where it's revealed that XANA attacks everyone who knows about the Supercomputer (as evidenced with Sissi):

electrocuted by a vending machine

attacked by his own robots

attacked by XANA's electricity orb

Season 1:

"Holiday in the Fog": Almost poisoned by XANA's fog; he only makes it out thanks to Ulrich and Yumi

"Image Problem": Almost falls to his death thanks to Clone!Yumi, but is saved by a RTTP just in time

"Plagued": Attacked by a pack of rats; this one's actually milder compared to others, because he quickly discovers the rats' weakness and a way to exploit it

"Swarming Attack": Attacked by a swarm of hornets multiple times; again mild, because he finds ways to exploit their weaknesses

"The Trap": Attacked by the possessed factory equipment, such as the mechanical arms as well as the boilers

"Laughing Fit": Attacked by the laughing gas; it actually chases him away from the factory and into the sewers before it gets him (to be fair, though, I must acknowledge that the laughing gas also weakened Odd on Lyoko)

"Killer Music": Attacked by XANA's song (which cannot be played on Lyoko; at least, as far as we know)

"The Robots": Is the first Lyokowarrior the robot attacks, but is saved by Ulrich

"Routine": XANA's attack is aimed at the three on Lyoko now, and Jeremie attempts to fix the circuits XANA messed up, but when he manages to find it, he gets electrocuted upon touching it.

"Ghost Channel": Chased by XANA-zombies and later almost crushed by cables (though to be fair, he's technically on Lyoko both times)

An important note: In "False Start", while Jeremie's never attacked, I should point out that on Lyoko, if you get hit one too many times by a Kankrelot, you devirtualize and go back to Earth, but if the same thing happens to you on Earth, there's no virtual aspect to save you. You die, as almost demonstrated by Jim.

Season 2:

"A Great Day": Is a XANA-possessed Sissi's first victim; he manages to escape thanks to Odd and Ulrich

"Mister Puck": Is possessed by XANA, who uses him to not only destroy the physical copy of Franz Hopper's diary but also to kidnap Aelita and bring her to Lyoko; a further note: it's theorized that the more you fight on Lyoko, the more resistance you build up to being possessed by XANA (in the real world, at least), meaning Jeremie's more vulnerable in this aspect than the others are

"Final Mix": Attacked by a XANA-possessed Jim and then tied up so he can't interfere or call the others for help

"The Chips Are Down": Attacked and knocked out by a XANA-possessed Nicolas (almost twice); note: once Jeremie is out, Nicolas sabotages the scanner (which makes monster fire on Lyoko a lot more painful)

"Common Interest": Kidnapped by a XANA-possessed Peter Duncan (a criminal) so he can change the battery; afterwards, an ungrateful XANA regains possession of Duncan and attempts to kill Jeremie as the others deactivate the tower (Ulrich even admits that he's staying in the lab so he can defend Jeremie from Duncan)

"Temptation": Jeremie uses frequent RTTPs in order to increase his own intelligence (which costs him his own mental health), and XANA takes advantage of that, possessing the ambulance he's in and driving it into the river.

"A Bad Turn": See 'False Start' above, as the same point should be noted here. Krabs on Lyoko mean devirtualization, but Krabs in the real world mean death. Another point should be made that the Krabs come to Earth through the scanners, and that Jeremie is only safe because Odd keeps the third (the one that destroys the last working scanner) busy.

"Attack of the Zombies": Is bitten by Kiwi and turned into a zombie (while those on Lyoko are safe from being bitten)

"XANA's Kiss": Gets electrocuted by a polymorphic spector

"Tip-Top Shape": Attacked by a XANA-possessed Nurse Yolanda

"Is Anybody Out There?": Attacked by the spectre XANA sends multiple times

"Franz Hopper": Do I have to say it? Nearly choked to death by a polymorphic spectre in revenge for foiling XANA's plot; That's leaving out that XANA used Franz Hopper to target and demonize Jeremie directly. That's not "being the safest during an attack".

Season 3 (this one is shorter only because this season is a mere 13 episodes):

"False Lead": XANA hacks into a weapon's manufacturing computer network and leaves a paper trail pointing to Jeremie, and later possesses one of the Men in Black to attack him. Again, that's not what I'd call "safe".

"The Pretender": Chased by a flock of XANA-possessed crows, and later attacked and knocked out by them (note: these crows almost kill Yumi)

"Triple Trouble": Almost turned to stone via XANA's fog, but this one's mild because he stands up in his chair to avoid the fog

"Double Trouble": His XANA-double attempts to drown him before taking his place, and when Jeremie reveals the truth to Odd, his double returns to kill him again and throws him down the elevator shaft. Jeremie returns (yet again), and his double tries to kill him (again) along with Ulrich. Again, far from "being the safest".

Season 4 (note: I should point out that this season makes it increasingly obvious that Jeremie is essentially becoming Franz Hopper 2.0, which likely angers XANA, given its main goal being to destroy the original in this season):

"Double Take": Despite Jeremie's best efforts, his tower is taken over by XANA, thus resulting in yet another XANA-possessed Jeremie clone, which attacks the real Jeremie (and Odd) in the lab.

"Opening Act": Attacked by a polymorphic spectre, until Ulrich and Odd arrive with Chris and Jim

"Crash Course": This episode's entire plot revolves around the dangers Jeremie faces while in the lab (Jeremie even admits that he and Aelita are XANA's frequent targets). Here, XANA knocks him out with a polymorphic spectre electrocuting him.

"I'd Rather Not Talk About It": Chased by a XANA-possessed boar, especially since he chooses to stay behind and help Jim (who gets hurt defending him)

"The Lake": Almost electrocuted to death (along with Odd) by XANA's electricity-blasted sludge

"A Lack of Goodwill": Beaten by a XANA-possessed William when he tries to stop him from destroying the Supercomputer

"Guided Missile": Trapped inside a jet that XANA forces to fire a missle at the factory with; later, XANA makes the jet go out of the control to get rid of him; here, Jeremie is legitmately only saved thanks to the RTTP.

"Canine Conundrum": Attacked by Kiwi 2 robot clones

"Cousins Once Removed": Attacked and chased by a XANA-possessed Sissi when he comes to stop her and Herve from hacking his computer; he also almost loses his cousin Patrick to the attack

"Music to Soothe the Savage Beast": Attacked by a XANA-possessed Subdigitals' manager

"Fight to the Finish": Is knocked out by William after XANA repossesses him

One final note: I'm not counting Evolution, because XANA's changed targets (for some reason) to the four holding his Codes, and Jeremie's not included in that group. Also, the XANA attacks are very mild compared to the animated series.

In conclusion, the person that said that Jeremie was the safest during attacks probably won't ever see this post, but I felt the need to write this post anyway. As you can see, in reality, Jeremie is far from being the safest. He's actually the one the most in danger, and Season 4 spells out that he and Aelita are XANA's most frequent targets (for a good reason). Also, keep in mind that, early on, it’s established that a RTTP won't revive someone who dies to a XANA attack.

Long story short: Double check your facts before making a claim.

[raibebe]

Of needles and seduction

Genre: Fluff and smut Words: 15.2k Prompt: Johnny tattoo shop AU featuring best friends Yangyang and Jaemin Warnings: contains smut, Daddy-kink, size-kink, mentions of mirror-sex

A/N: This is very self-indulgent, I’m sorry. While I do have piercings myself, I know next to nothing about tattoos, so I’m sorry if anything is inaccurate. Also I don’t advise what some characters in this are doing for yourself. Just a quick special thanks to @burtonized​ who has listened to me ramble about this story and Johnny and helped me write this by giving me ideas and support. Thank you darling! This fic is a beast, I have never written anything this long,it’s insane. If smut isn’t for you, you can stop reading after the phone call and still have a pretty decent story. If you feel like, you’ve seen this post before, you might have. I deleted the original one because tumblr decided to delete it from the tags.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” You asked for what you felt was the tenth time in the past five minutes. “It’s going to be fine. The shop is clean and sanitary,” your friend Yangyang groaned while running his hands through his messy, blonde hair. It was getting way too long, hanging low into his eyes. “I’m just saying that this doesn’t seem like a safe place,” you mumbled but followed your hyper friend through a more than dubious looking side street of Itaewon. “Jaemin got his piercings done in the same shop and those healed just fine, stop being a baby,” the blonde said while rolling his eyes. He quickly checked his phone for the address of the (probably illegal) piercing and tattoo shop and took a sharp turn into an even shadier looking street. “I still don’t get while you need me to come with you when you want to get your nipples pierced for god knows what of a stupid reason.” “It’s easy,” Yangyang grinned at you, “Ten said I wouldn’t dare to do it. And I’m going to prove him wrong and you’re going to document the progress.” “Do you ever listen to yourself talk? You’re literally paying someone to stab you into your nipples to shove a piece of metal through it just to prove a point.” “It’s just one nipple though.” “How does that make it any better, Yangyang?” You deadpanned. Your friend groaned again. “I knew I should have taken Guanheng with me. He would have been supportive.” “He would also be supportive of getting ‘I love Tacos’ tattooed on your ass.” “He would,” Yangyang agreed with an exaggerated dreamy look on his face. “What a madlad.”

You sighed but couldn’t help smiling at his antics. You had befriended the hyper exchange student when you had been assigned to be partners for a group project for your mandarin class. Yangyang had only taken the class for extra credit and easy good grades while you were struggling like crazy and had seriously questioned all your life choices that had let to you taking the class. (But mostly you regretted listening to Renjun who had convinced you it would be an easy class.) The group project turned out to be rather easy when you had a native speaker as your partner and you had become fond of the younger student, staying in touch with him and helping him find his way around the big campus. If you had known that he was a package deal with a bunch of other equally hyper and questionably crazy exchange students, you might have thought a little longer about keeping in touch after the project was over. But who were you kidding, the other boys and Yangyang were incredibly dear to you and if Kun had his regular morning coffee, the others weren’t even that chaotic.

“That’s it,” Yangyang suddenly exclaimed, pointing at a small beat up looking wooden door that looked like it was ready to fall out of the doorway any second. But a little green neon sign that hang next to it flashed the word “open” onto the street indicating that a shop must be hiding behind it. Your arguably best friend quickly grabbed your hand as if he had been sensing that you were about to complain again and dragged you into the shop. A little bell jingled quietly when Yangyang closed the door behind you two. You took a deep breath to calm your nerves (hell you weren’t even the one to get stabbed with a needle) and took a look around the small room. It was small and poorly lit and every free space on the walls was plastered with drawings and photos of both freshly done and healed tattoos. You had to admit that whoever had done those had done a good job, they looked really neat. You guessed that at least two artists must be working in the shop. A good portion of the art were very neat black and white works (some looking freakishly realistic) while others were very vibrant and artistic.

With a confident bounce in his step, Yangyang went up to the counter to a man with wild bubblegum pink hair wearing a black tank top that showed off the ink on his arms and torso, all kept in black except for a deep red rose on the side of his neck. His eyes were lined with dark eyeliner, making them seem like dark bottomless orbs, and they were fixed to the screen of a laptop that was covered in stickers that were a wild mixture of cute characters and various rock and hip-hop bands. “And what brings you here?” The man asked with a surprisingly deep voice, turning his head towards your friend. “A friend of mine told me I could get pierced here,” Yangyang spoke, his hands fumbling with the loose threads of his sweater. “And if that was the case, what would you want to get pierced?” “My nipple.” At that the other man raised one of his perfectly arched eyebrows. “People usually start off with getting an earring or something.” “Go hard or go home,” Yangyang grinned, making the other man snort. “If you have 70.000 Won in cash, I can look if one of the piercers is free.” When your friend got out his worn wallet and put a couple of bills onto the counter, the other man smiled for the first time. It didn’t quite fit his whole dark punk aesthetic but you couldn’t deny that he was really good looking.

“Don’t run away now kiddo, I’ll see if someone is free,” he grinned, “I’m Taeyong by the way.” When he disappeared behind a curtain made out of pearls into the back, Yangyang turned towards you with the biggest smile on his face. “I told you it was going to be fine.” You just hummed nonchalantly, still not entirely supportive of the whole idea. “One of the guys is ready in a bit,” Taeyong said when he came back to the main room. “Are you getting anything?” He asked, looking at you. “Oh no, she’s a scaredy-cat, just here for moral support and to document that I actually did it,” your friend answered for you. Your face immediately heated up under the intense gaze of the pink haired tattoo artist. “Too bad,” he just shrugged. “So technically you need to sign stuff for legal issues and whatnot. But since this place doesn’t exactly exist on records, we’re skipping that part. You’re not on drugs or any meds, right?” “I’m not,” Yangyang shook his head, making his hair flop back into his face. “Any issues with fainting or other medical conditions?”   “Nope.”   “Great. Had a good meal before coming here?” “I had breakfast,” Yangyang shrugged. “You had a slice of cold pizza from yesterday,” you groaned. “That I ate in the morning, therefore it’s breakfast,” he argued. “Well in that case,” Taeyong interrupted your bickering and threw a granola bar into Yangyang’s hands, “Eat that and let your girlfriend treat you to some proper food afterwards.” Before the blonde could deny anything, you had already opened your mouth to tell the other man that in fact you weren’t dating.

“Sure, sorry for assuming,” he shrugged and sat back behind the counter, taking out an iPad and began drawing something, probably a tattoo design. “Nervous yet?” You asked Yangyang who was uncharacteristically quiet while munching on the granola bar. “Shit, I’m really doing this,” he replied, exhaling shakily. “You don’t actually have to, Yangyang,” you tried to comfort him. “And let Ten just get away like that? No way. I am doing this. I’m not his little baby Yangyang anymore,” he said like the stubborn child he was. You could just sigh and roll your eyes at him. “He might have just been joking, you know?” “One does not simply challenge Liu Yangyang like that and not expect consequences.” “Kun is going to actually flip and pop a vein,” you tried to reason with your friend for a last time. Kun was doing a lot of coordination work for the exchange students with a Chinese background and had taken on almost a fatherly role for the younger students that hadn’t been in Korea for long. And even though Ten wasn’t even that much younger than Kun, he almost lost his otherwise calm composure when the Thai boy had announced that he successfully had pierced his ear by himself yet again after he had convinced a poor med student to smuggle some equipment for him. And from there the situation had somehow escalated into Ten daring Yangyang to get a nipple piercing. “Well he can’t do anything about it once it’s done. We’ll just make sure he’s with someone who can call an ambulance if he ends up having an aneurism.”

“Someone still wants their nipple pierced?” A new voice interrupted your conversation and a tall man with dark inky hair came into the room, making the pearls of the curtain clink against each other. One side of his head was shaved while the longer hair on the other side framed his handsome face beautifully. He was wearing a loose black T-shirt paired with ripped jeans with almost as many holes as there was fabric that hugged his long legs perfectly, showing that he had also ink on his legs. From his lobe dangled a little silver chain and of course his arms were covered in intricate designs, one arm strictly black ink while the other sported some colorful pieces as well. In the center of his plush lower lip sat a black ring and just beneath his left eye two little silver balls were reflecting the low light. You couldn’t deny that the man looked absolutely stunning despite his unusual appearance.

“Yes, me,” Yangyang eagerly answered the man’s question and walked towards him, tugging you with him. “Too bad,” the piercer grinned cheekily and winked in your direction, making your heart flutter in your chest and heat rise to your face, before he extended a big hand to shake Yangyang’s much smaller one. “I’m Johnny,” he introduced himself before leading you both into a smaller room in the back with a simple black padded bench in the middle of the room and a desk tucked into a corner. The walls were plastered with art and photos like the main room, showing that Johnny apparently was able to pull off a bunch of different tattoo styles. He seemed to have a thing for florals and roses though. The only free space was taken up by a full body mirror at the opposite wall. Johnny sat down on the little stool that was standing by the desk and motioned for Yangyang to sit on the bench while you sat down in the only other chair in the room, made of worn looking black leather.

“Let me see your chest before we start this whole thing,” Johnny spoke to your friend after he had grabbed a pair of silver framed glasses that sat low on his elegant nose and slipped on a fresh pair of black gloves. With only slightly trembling hands, Yangyang pulled his sweater over his head, keeping his hands buried in the fabric. “Looks good to me. Left or right one?” “Ehrm, I haven’t really thought about it,” he confessed. Johnny chuckled. “Spontaneous decision to get your nipple pierced?” “He does it to prove a point to a friend,” you supplied before Yangyang had the chance to answer. “Seems like a valid reason,” the tattoo artist grinned, “You play guitar or anything where the strap could irritate the new piercing?” “Just the violin,” Yangyang supplied, demonstrating how he would hold his instrument. “Then I’d suggest we go for the left one,” Johnny concluded, grabbing a bunch of stuff he needed. “Is it going to hurt badly?” “No idea, mine aren’t pierced.” “The first one is fine,” another voice chimed into the conversation and a pink mess of hair appeared in the doorway. “My client is there and Jaehyun isn’t back from his break yet, have an open ear for the door.” Johnny just hummed but it seemed enough to satisfy Taeyong who disappeared just as quickly as he had appeared.

“You ready?” Johnny asked one last time. Yangyang took a deep but shaky breath and nodded. “You better film this so Ten knows it’s real,” he said, holding out his phone towards you. Rolling your eyes, you got up from your actually really comfortable chair and took the phone from your best friend’s hands while Johnny disinfected Yangyang’s nipple and drew two little circles where the bar would go through it before grabbing a small mirror to show him. “Let’s do this,” your best friend nodded and you pressed record. “It’ll be quick,” Johnny promised, disinfecting one last time before he grabbed a pair of tongs to hold the nipple in place and freed a needle from a foil package. “I’ll count to three and then I’ll start, alright?” “A-Alright.” “Last time to chicken out.” “No, I’m doing this,” Yangyang gritted out, closing his eyes. After that everything happened really fast: Johnny counted to three and steadily pushed the needle through Yangyang’s nipple, who bit his lip hard. He then let the needle dangle from the nipple while freeing a little barbell from another foil package to insert it through the canal he just had made. “And that’s it,” he announced when he secured the little balls on either side of the barbell. You ended the recording when Yangyang left out the breath he had been holding in. “Now no sports, especially no swimming or sexual activities for a while. Clean it well and don’t worry if it gets sore, that’s normal. It can take a while to heal, so be patient and don’t let it get infected. You can get a smaller barbell or a ring once it’s healed. Just come back to get it changed to be safe.” “Fuck I really did that,” Yangyang cursed and looked down to his chest, “I think I need a minute before I can get up.”

“Take your time, I don’t have any clients for another half an hour,” Johnny reassured him, putting the used materials into the trash. “Just please don’t vomit all over the floor or hit your head while fainting.” “That has happened before?” You asked, eyes wide. “Not on me but it’s not unheard of. You sure you don’t want anything?” he asked, turning towards you. His silver framed glasses had slid down his nose a little and you couldn’t deny that the man looked really hot, looking at you from beneath his lashes. “She’s too scared,” Yangyang teased. He couldn’t feel too bad if he still could do that then. “Too bad, I think you would really suit a little conch or something,” the piercer motioned around his own ear to indicate what piercing he meant. “A conch?” You asked, turning towards the mirror to try to imagine it. “Wait let me show you.” Johnny quickly got up to search through the drawers of his desk before he pulled out a little box with a bunch of jewelry, grabbing a small hoop. He stood behind you in front of the mirror. “Hold still for me,” he breathed and bend down to push your hair behind your ear before he carefully put the fake piercing in place. For a moment you could swear that time had stopped. You felt his breath fanning over your skin gently and could smell the intoxicating smell of his cologne. You were so close to each other, you were sure that if you turned your head, your noses would brush against each other. But before you could do anything stupid, Johnny pulled back and gently turned your head so you could see the little silver ring. “I think I could put an even smaller one if you wanted,” he said, watching you through the mirror with an intense gaze from his dark eyes. “I’ve never thought about getting a piercing,” you admitted shyly. While you did get your lobes pierced when you were a child, you never thought of it much. “It looks good. Not so much like daddy’s good girl anymore,” the piercer grinned. You almost choked on air when the words left his plush lips, feeling the heat rush to your cheeks.

“How much?” “For you I’ll do it for free, darling,” he grinned, running a hand through his thick dark hair, making his muscles shift beneath his inked skin. While your brain was still short-circuiting from the nickname, Yangyang seemed to be back to 100%, destroying whatever the atmosphere between you and the tattoo artist just was. “Are you really going to say no to a free piercing, dude?” You could just groan and roll your eyes at your best friend. “Stop calling me dude, Yangyang.” “Only if you get that piercing.” “That’s blackmailing.” “Just do it, it won’t even hurt right?” “It’s just a bit of pressure,” Johnny assured you, his lips curled into a smile. “I can always take it out if I don’t end up liking it,” you thought out aloud. “The beauty of temporary body modifications,” Johnny sighed before he stepped in front of you to take the fake piercing off again. With his face so close to yours again, your eyes traveled over the little silver balls beneath his left eye, over his elegant nose down to the black ring in his lower lip and you briefly wondered what it would feel like to kiss him. “So what will it be?” You looked over to your best friend who had put his hoodie back on and nodded his head enthusiastically, making his fluffy hair flop into his eyes. He really needed a haircut.

“Alright, let’s do this,” you decided. “That’s what I like to hear,” Johnny grinned and moved to get his stuff ready. “Need me to hold your hand?” Yangyang grinned when you took his place on the bench. “I wouldn’t want to contaminate you with girl germs,” you teased, sticking your tongue out at him. “I’m sure he wouldn’t mind some girl germs if they’re coming from such a pretty girl,” Johnny cut in when he rolled back over on his stool, his glasses pushed back up his nose again. You couldn’t even fight the heat that crept onto your face at his words, he sure could feel it radiating off your cheeks from where his gloved hands were touching your skin. “I’ll do it where I placed the fake one, just with a smaller ring, alright?” He spoke softly when he disinfected your ear. You could just nod, anxiety taking over, making your heart race and skin prickle. When you heard the plastic bag that held the sterile needle rip, you pressed your eyes shut and balled your hands to fists. “Take a deep breath for me, doll,” Johnny mumbled, gently caressing your skin where he had grabbed your face to stabilize you. “In and out.” You shakily did as he asked you, his low voice comforting and calming your anxiety a lot. “Now you breathe in and let me count to three, then you gently release that breath. Can you do that for me, darling?” “Yeah,” you breathed, eyes still closed so you missed the soft smile on Johnny’s face. “Alright, deep breath in. One, two, three,” the pain of the needle piercing through your skin made you clench your fists harder, “And breathe out.” You tried your best to release the breath evenly until the pressure of the needle was just a low thudding. “You’re doing great, darling,” the handsome piercer reassured you, “I’ll just push the ring through and we’re all done here. Take another breath for me.” This time the feeling wasn’t as painful, just a really uncomfortable feeling of pressure. “All done, pretty,” Johnny concluded, clicking the ring closed. “Open your eyes.”

When you did open your eyes again, he held the little hand mirror from before in his still gloved hands so you could see the little ring that sat against your ear now. The skin was a bright red and you could feel your pulse throb around the metal but it actually fit the shape of your ear really nicely. “Thank you,” you smiled at Johnny. “It’s been a pleasure,” he winked before gathering the used needle and tissues to throw them away. “Take good care of it and try to not sleep on that side for a couple of nights and it will be healed in no time.” “Let’s go home, big baby,” Yangyang chirped in, already on his feet to leave the room. “I’m starving.” “There’s a good ramen shop a little up the street, not too expensive either,” Johnny recommended.

“Thanks for the piercings, man,” your best friend thanked the artist when he took you back to the main room. “No big deal,” Johnny shrugged and sat down where Taeyong had sat before, putting his long legs up on the counter. “Well, have a nice day, maybe we’ll come back for more some time,” Yangyang grinned, opening the door to leave the shop. “Oh I’m sure you will,” the artist replied, locking eyes with you before winking. “Take good care of that piercing, doll. You know where you have to come to if you want more.” You nodded shyly before bowing to the man. “Thank you, Johnny.” “I’ll see you again,” it wasn’t a question. Somehow you and him both knew that this wouldn’t be the last time you would step into the shady tattoo shop.

The next time that you found yourself in the shady streets of Itaewon came faster than you had thought. This time you were accompanying Jaemin to his tattoo appointment after Jeno had ditched him because he had to take over a shift at the cat café he worked at. (That poor boy had to take antihistamines before every shift because of his allergies but couldn’t resist the charm of the kittens.)   “You’re a lifesaver seriously,” the hyper boy repeated while jumping up and down excitedly, “Sitting still for hours on end is really so boring if you have no one to talk to.” “Can’t you talk to your artist?” You asked confused. “He threatened to stab me with the tattoo gun the last time when I was trying to talk to him while he worked,” Jaemin pouted. You could only imagine how irritating Jaemin and his moods could be to someone who wasn’t used to him. Ever since he had decided that he wanted to commit to what he had dubbed a soft punk look, he had been going to the shop somewhat regularly to start a collection of tattoos and piercings. It had started a year ago when he first had dyed his hair to a light blue color. Shortly after that he had first gotten his ears and then his nose pierced. The two lip rings in his lower lip were his newest addition as far as piercings went. The tattoos came a little later. After much consideration he had made the decision to start a floral piece on his arm, the center would be a hummingbird, all with black ink for now.

After a little bit of Instagram stalking you had easily identified the intricate flowers that adored Jaemin’s upper arm as Johnny’s work and the thought of seeing the handsome tattoo artist again had made your heart beat faster in your chest. Not that Jaemin needed to know that you weren’t coming with him for his sake but rather because of your desire to see the dark haired flirty man again.   You had been thinking about his dark eyes behind his silver framed glasses and how he scrunched his eyebrows when he was concentrating a lot for the last weeks. (Not that you had replayed the video of him piercing Yangyang an unhealthy amount of times or anything…) Every time you took care of your new piercing it reminded you of how his fingers felt on your skin and how his deep voice had gently guided you through everything. Not to forget how easily the pet names had rolled from his lips. And oh god his lips… His Instagram account featured a good amount of pictures of himself both casual and while working and the way his plush lips would curl into a confident smirk did things to your heart. His latest update had been the actual death of yours though. It had shown the new tattoo he had gotten recently: It was an intricate eagle that spread over his muscled chest, the feathers of the wings blending seamlessly into the other art covering his strong shoulders and biceps. Did you already mention that he was freaking shirtless in the picture? And that he was hiding a seriously ripped body beneath the wide T-Shirt he wore the last time you were at the shop? So to say that your thoughts had started to spiral after seeing that post was a little understated.

You still felt a little uneasy when you followed Jaemin through the backstreets of Itaewon but when the shabby door with the neon green ‘open’ sign came in sight, you felt the feeling disappear, only for it to be replaced with a mixture of excitement and anxiety. Jaemin grinned widely when he pushed the door open and his good mood was always infectious, a smile creeping on your lips. This time a new man sat at the counter, lazily rocking back and forth on the chair with his phone in his hand. His hair was dark and hung into his eyes and he wore a dark, long sleeved hoodie, so you couldn’t see if he had as many tattoos as his colleagues but if the tattoos on his hands and neck were any indication, he must be pretty covered as well. You recognized the rose on the back of his hand from one of Johnny’s Instagram posts. When the man looked up, you saw that he didn’t only have tattoos but piercings as well: In his lower lip sat two rings right next to each other, a ring dangled from his nose and two little silver balls sat in the hollows of his dimples that showed when he smiled at Jaemin. “Back for more?” He asked with a deep, rumbling voice and got up to greet Jaemin properly, bumping their shoulders together. “Got an appointment with Johnny for my sleeve,” the blue haired boy replied. “I see the snake bites healed well.” “Done by the best piercer of the shop.” “You know it,” the man laughed, throwing an arm around Jaemin. “Brought your girlfriend?” “I’m just a friend,” you quickly corrected the piercer. (Why couldn’t you just platonically join a friend for his tattoo session?) “Alright, just a friend, I’m Jaehyun. Johnny should be ready by now. You know the way?” Jaemin nodded and pulled you with him to Johnny’s room.

When Jaemin pulled the curtain to the room open, you weren’t prepared for what you were seeing: Johnny was standing in front of the full length mirror with his black button up shirt unbuttoned, applying cream to his still tender looking eagle tattoo on his chest, making his beautiful sunkissed skin glisten. “You’re early, Jaem,” he spoke. “Jaehyun said you were already ready,” the blue haired boy shrugged and plopped down onto the black bench. “Oh you brought company,” Johnny turned around when he spotted you and grinned, “I knew you’d come back, doll. How’s your piercing healing?” You had to summon all your strength to rip your eyes from Johnny’s strong and glistening chest to meet his dark eyes. “It’s fine as far as I know, doesn’t hurt anymore,” you stumbled across your words. Couldn’t he just button his shirt back up? “Let me see.” Before you could protest he had made two big steps and was right in front of you, the intoxicating smell of his perfume filling your senses. He gently tucked your hair back to have a look at the piercing and you swore you could feel electricity buzz beneath your skin where he had touched you. “You took great care of it, darling. Not regretting it yet?” “No, I like it.” I like you. The words had laid on your tongue but you managed to swallow them back down.

“Stop flirting with her, I’m the one paying for your attention,” Jaemin whined from where he was sitting. You of course immediately felt all your blood rush to your head but Johnny just chuckled. “I haven’t seen any cash yet, boy.” The tattoo artist gave you a last wink before turning towards his actual client, buttoning his shirt back up but leaving the last two buttons unbuttoned, letting the head of the eagle just barely poke out. Taking a deep breath you sat down in the worn leather chair while Jaemin handed Johnny a bunch of bills that the taller quickly counted. “Alright, I’m all yours for the next five hours or so,” he grinned, “You saw the drafts I sent you?” Jaemin nodded while he took off his jacket and rolled up the sleeve of his T-Shirt to expose the ink on his arm. It was already beautiful even though it wasn’t even halfway done. The hummingbird was still missing its shading and he hung in the air for now, the flowers and leaves stopping above its head. “Yeah, I’m still not sure about the color though. Can’t we just do more flowers instead?” “Sure but the inner arm and near the elbow is going to hurt like a bitch. So it’s either that or you let me color that hummingbird.” Jaemin groaned dramatically, turning his arm to look into the mirror. “He does look weird just half-finished like that.” “So color it is?” Johnny asked while rolling up the sleeves of his shirt a bit, exposing his own tattoos: A snake like dragon curled around his entire right arm, kept in all black ink. “I really liked that green-blue watercolor thing you sent,” Jaemin supplied when he turned to lie down. “Right, then I’ll do some flowers directly surrounding the bird and color that thing.” He snapped his black gloves on and turned to prepare his machine and the colors.

“Come closer with that stupid chair,” Jaemin whined, making grabby hands at you. After Johnny nodded, you pushed the chair closer with great effort. “Are you going to whine for the whole time?” You groaned but smiled fondly at your friend. “Most likely,” Johnny answered instead of Jaemin and rolled over on his little stool, his silver framed glasses back on his nose and a pen between his lips. “I’ll freehand a bunch of flowers first to make sure they fit around that little guy nicely.” “And I thought you liked putting others in pain,” Jaemin joked when Johnny adjusted a little lamp and began to draw flower after flower. It was really fascinating how quick his hand drew delicate petals and leaves, filling up the space around the hummingbird. “Oh if I put others in pain, they usually like it,” he grinned, his voice dropping an octave. You almost choked on plain air and had to try to mask it as coughing but if the way Johnny’s eyes twinkled was any indication, he had seen right through it and dared to be smug about it. “Wow my third appointment and we’re already talking about kinks?” “Sorry Jaem, not interested,” the artist laughed, “I’m more into cute girls.” He leaned back to examine his drawing, throwing you another quick wink. You barely held in a squeak. He really wasn’t even trying to be subtle about his flirting anymore. “Ready for the big gun?” “Oh dick jokes now, nice,” Jaemin chuckled while you were sure your head was about to explode from how much blood was collecting in there. You covered your hot cheeks with your hands in a hopeless attempt to cool them. “Oh look Johnny, she’s getting shy already.” “I haven’t even started yet, baby.” That was it. This man was going to be the death of you. You really didn’t need to know what it sounded like when he spoke those words that were dripping with honey. “Why did I agree to come with you?” You groaned, hiding your face in your hands. “Because you missed me”, Johnny said at the same time as Jaemin said: “Because you’re a good friend.”

After a beat of silence in which Johnny arranged his actual tattoo gun and Jaemin stared at you while his smile grew bigger and bigger, he asked: “Now which one is it?” “I’m not answering that,” you mumbled from beneath your fingers. “No answer is an answer as well,” Jaemin singsang but luckily the low buzzing of the tattoo machine saved you from any further embarrassment… For now…   “Now hold still or I’ll actually stab you,” Johnny warned before he dipped the needle into black ink and began to trace the lines he had just drawn on with a fine needle. “Yessir,” Jaemin joked, wiggling his eyebrows.

Johnny was unusually quiet while he worked, completely tuning out the chatter of you and Jaemin about shitty professors and assignments. You were absolutely fascinated by the confidence he radiated while dragging the needle over his client’s skin. He went back and forth between two different tattoo guns and rubbed Jaemin’s skin every now and then to get rid of excess ink. Soon Jaemin’s whole upper arm was decorated with delicate flowers and leaves and Johnny leaned back to both take a deep breath while stretching his back and to look at his work. “Let’s take a break before I do the color,” he proposed, wiping down the skin. “It looks great,” you complimented his work, taking a picture for Jaemin so he could see it himself. “Damn that pain really pays off,” your friend grinned, zooming in and out of the picture before posting it to his Instagram. “Does it hurt badly?” “You get used to it,” he shrugged, not taking his eyes from his feed, “It’s more like someone continuously scratching you.” “I can show you if you want,” Johnny chimed in from where he was cleaning his tattoo gun from the black ink. “I don’t think I’m spontaneous enough for a sudden tattoo.” “Not even if I offer it for free again?” He laughed. “I’m not mentally prepared for that,” you tried to reason. “I can still show you how it feels though. Without ink.” You shyly nodded and held out your arm for him that he quickly wiped down with disinfectant when he was done putting a fresh needle into the gun. “Just don’t flinch, darling,” he softly spoke before the buzzing of his tattoo gun filled the silence. You expected it to hurt a lot more when the needle touched your skin but it really wasn’t that bad. It was an odd kind of pain you couldn’t really describe. “It’s not that bad,” you told him, looking into his beautiful brown eyes behind his glasses. “It hurts more when it’s directly on the bone or at a more tender area,” Johnny explained and turned the gun off again, bending down to look at the slightly reddened skin of your arm before chucking the used needle into the nearby trashcan. “Let’s patch that up real quick, just treat it like any other scratch.” You nodded and let the handsome man put a band-aid over it. But before you could pull your arm back again, he leaned down to press a kiss on the cloth “For a good and quick healing,” he breathed and grinned smugly when you quickly turned your head away to hide your heated face.

“When you’re done flirting, will you finally put some color into me?” Jaemin interrupted, grinning widely. “That’s what she said,” you mumbled under your breath, making Johnny chuckle. “All you need to do is ask, darling.” Before you could even wrap your mind around what the tattoo artist had just implied, he had already rolled back over to your blue haired friend to take a look at the hummingbird. “Alright let’s do this,” he grinned before wiping down the skin once more. The buzzing of a new machine filled the room and Jaemin scrunched his eyes shut when the needle dipped in turquoise ink met his skin. “This is nasty,” he complained. “Don’t be a baby,” Johnny murmured, dragging the needle over your friend’s skin that accepted the ink quickly. “You want to hold my hand?” You giggled. What you didn’t expect was for Jaemin to actually reach out to you with his unoccupied arm, making a grabby hand. “Jeno always holds my hand,” he whined. “You’re such a big baby, Nana,” you sighed but still laced your fingers together, yelping loudly when Jaemin squeezed down hard. “You said it didn’t even hurt, you big liar,” you squeezed out between gritted teeth. “You’re not the one getting stabbed,” Jaemin argued, “That shit hurts different than the black.” “It’s a different needle,” Johnny explained, “People usually say it hurts less than outlines though.” “It’s not more or less, it’s just different.” “Well it’s going to hurt more if you keep seizing up like that, relax.” “You’re one to fucking talk,” Jaemin sounded upset. “Don’t curse at me for giving you a pretty tattoo,” Johnny just said, dipping his needle into the little pot that held the color again. “Talk him through it,” the artist said to you, looking up from behind his glasses that had slipped down his nose again.

“Hey, remember that time when Donghyuck was so drunk he wanted to jump from the roof into the pool at that frat house?” You quickly said, the silly story coming to mind first. The memory made Jaemin giggle. “Jeno and Mark had so much trouble holding him back once he managed to climb out of the window,” the blue haired boy chuckled. “They were lucky they didn’t fall off.” “That would have made for an even better story though,” Jaemin laughed. “They could have hurt themselves,” you said, scandalized, “You’re hanging out with Renjun too much.” Jaemin didn’t answer, instead he just hummed and wiggled his dark eyebrows.

“Did you ever go to college?” You asked Johnny out of curiosity even though Jaemin had said that the artist preferred to keep quiet and concentrate on his work. “Do I look like I went?” He just laughed, cocking one of his stupidly perfect eyebrows at you when he looked up. “Well, I didn’t want to assume,” you shied away under his gaze. “I dropped out of high school to learn tattooing,” Johnny shared while painting Jaemin’s skin as blue as his hair, “I wasn’t good in school anyways. So art school or something wasn’t an option either. Not that I would have had any money for that.” “What made you want to pick up tattooing then?” You asked curiously. “Art usually is very temporarily and if you make a mistake, you can just erase it or paint over it with another color. Not so much with tattoos. I like that. It’s immortal as long as you don’t start shooting lasers at it.” “I’ve never thought about it like that,” you confessed. Tattooing had never seemed like art to you but that was exactly what it was. Just not on a canvas but under your skin. “Thinking about getting one now?” Jaemin teased, squeezing your hand that he still held. “I haven’t even told my parents about the piercing,” you scoffed, “They would disown me.” “Well too bad, I know a pretty good tattoo artist,” he joked and poked his tongue out. “Do you now?” Johnny asked, a grin on his lips, wiping down Jaemin’s arm before going in with a lighter color. “Yeah, he works in this shady ass shop in Itaewon and I am pretty sure you can buy drugs there as well.” “Those are not for sale,” the artist chuckled when he saw your scandalized expression. “It’s just anesthetics for certain piercing procedures, calm down doll.” “So sadly, it turns out you can’t buy drugs at their shop but it still looks shady and I’m pretty sure they’re paying part of the mafia so the police won’t come to investigate.” “I know nothing of transactions of this sort,” Johnny commented before you could get an actual heart attack. Illegally tattooing and piercing was one thing but mingling with the mafia was a whole other thing. “Anyways, he does pretty cool tattoos and pierces as well,” Jaemin continued, a grin on his lips, “Also talking male to male here, he’s pretty ripped.” At that Johnny started grinning as well. “Wanna know his name?” Jaemin asked you when Johnny turned to clean his needle and you just rolled your eyes but nodded, wondering what he was getting out of all of this. “It’s Jaehyun.” “Excuse me?” Johnny exclaimed with wide eyes when both you and your blue haired friend started laughed at his stupid joke. “This kid,” he mumbled and shook his head before putting the needle back to Jaemin’s skin who seemed to have forgotten to whine about the pain.

The rest of the appointment was spend with you and Jaemin chatting about this and that and a short video call from a red eyed Jeno who had finished his shift at the cat café and wanted to apologize and promised to buy you two dinner after you were done. “I think that’s all I can do for today,” Johnny said after he had stared at the little hummingbird for a while, “Your skin took the color well but if I do any more, I’ll stress the skin too much. I can go in another time if I need to fix anything.” Jaemin nodded, sitting up so he could inspect the colorful hummingbird in the mirror. “Wow that looks sick,” he commented, his eyes going wide, “Totally worth the pain.” “That’s what I wanna hear,” the artist grinned, grabbing some paper towels to rub the tattoo down once more. “Let me snap a picture to post.”

After both men had taken about 20 photos each, Johnny quickly wrapped Jaemin’s arm in plastic wrap, reminding him how to take care of it. “Text me for the next session, I think we could fit some pretty roses at the bottom. Maybe add a dash of color here and there or other animals,” the artist smiled, slipping the glasses off his nose, gently placing them on the table. “I’ll think about it but first I gotta slave away behind the bar to make more money,” Jaemin sighed, shrugging his jacket back on. “And you darling?” Johnny asked, putting on his confident smile again. “When will I see you again?” You just stared at him, at a loss for an answer. Did he really want to see you again? But before you could even open your mouth, Jaemin had already pulled your phone from your grasp, unlocked it and shoved it towards Johnny. “Put your number in already,” he sighed and rolled his eyes dramatically. Laughing, Johnny did as your friend had said. “Very smooth, Jaem.” “I- I guess I’ll text you,” you stuttered when Johnny gave your phone back, your fingers tingling where his touched yours. “I’ll be waiting, darling,” he winked, raking a hand through his inky strands. “Alright, time to leave, before you start drooling,” Jaemin destroyed the intense atmosphere and grabbed your arm to pull you back to the main room and out of the parlor, leaving a laughing Johnny behind in his room.

“I wasn’t even drooling, what the fuck Jaemin,” you argued when you were outside, your phone clutched to your chest. “Stop complaining, I got you his number, you should be thankful,” he just grinned, absolutely shameless, tugging you along through the little street. “I will not thank you for embarrassing me in front of him,” you pouted, unlocking your phone to confirm that Johnny had indeed put his number into the contacts with a little black heart behind his name.

“Is it too early to text him?” You asked when you and Jaemin sat in the subway on the way to his and Jeno’s dorm to take him up on his offer for food. Your friend just laughed at you, making an elderly man scowl at the two of you, who shook his head in disapproval. Well, Jaemin’s visuals didn’t help him when he acted like this in public. But as long as he didn’t care, you wouldn’t care either. “Text him after we’ve eaten,” he advised you. “Then you don’t seem as desperate as you are,” he added, which earned him a punch to his not tattooed arm.

All through dinner, Jaemin retold every embarrassing moment that happened at the tattoo parlor, making Jeno laugh so hard that he almost choked on his rice. You really needed to find new friends. These ones were just harassing you at this point. (Aside from the fact that Jaemin had indeed managed to get you Johnny’s number, you’d thank him later when he couldn’t make fun at you.)

Later that night, you laid in bed in your own dorm room, staring at the screen of your phone. Your fingers were hovering over the keyboard but you really couldn’t think of what you should text Johnny. You didn’t want to seem weird. With how confident he was, he probably did this a lot and you were too proud to make a fool of yourself. Groaning you tossed and turned in your bed for a while, still staring at the empty chat box that by now must be mocking you for your cowardice. Sighing you typed out another short message to immediately delete it again. Should you just send him a simple ‘Hi’ or ask him if he had eaten? How the rest of his day went? In moments like this you whished you were more confident in yourself.

The sound of an incoming message suddenly filled the room and made you jerk. When you saw Johnny’s name on the screen, your heart first stopped for a second before it started beating about three times as fast as it should. How did that happen? With shaking hands you unlocked the phone to see that you in fact didn’t delete the last message but accidentally send it. Luckily it wasn’t as embarrassing as it could have been and Johnny had just answered that he was glad that you had finally texted him. Before you could think of an answer he sent another text asking you why you were still awake this late when he expected you to be a ‘good girl’. You could practically hear his smirk and you couldn’t fight the heat that rose to your cheeks. You replied that you were already in bed and were about to sleep if he was concerned about your sleep pattern that honestly wasn’t the greatest ever since the semester had started. ‘Oh, sexting already’ he replied, making you shriek in embarrassment. Was this what your message had looked like? ‘You alone?’ He asked and with a furiously beating heart you answered with a simple yes.

A couple of seconds went by with no answer from him which definitely didn’t lower your anxiety before the loud sound of your ringtone tore through the silence, Johnny’s name on the display. You quickly answered it to not wake up anyone on your floor, pressing it tightly to your ear. “Hello?” “Good evening, miss,” you heard the rumble of Johnny’s voice, “Missed me already?” “You’re the one who called,” you argued, making the man on the other end of the line giggle. “That is true.” “Why did you call?” You asked curiously, shifting to lie down on your back, staring at the ceiling. “Just wanted some company. My last client just left and I’m cleaning up the shop for today, the others already left,” he explained. “Jaehyun and Taeyong?” “Yeah those two guys,” he sighed and you heard him rummaging in the background. “Is it just you three at the shop?” “Yeah, it was just me and Taeyong at first but Jaehyun is an incredibly quick learner once he had found someone who was willing to teach him a thing or two. So he quickly joined the two of us.” You just hummed, your fingers playing with your hair, unsure of what to say. It was somehow easier to talk to him like this when you couldn’t see his eyes twinkle in mischief or his lips curling up in that confident smirk. Like this he was just a boy who wanted company and not an insanely handsome, heavily tattooed man who flirted shamelessly. “Do you usually work this late?” You asked to fill the silence and out of curiosity as well. If the shop wasn’t legal there sure weren’t any laws regulating how long the artists were supposed to work. “I don’t,” Johnny laughed, “But thank you for your concern. I was just tattooing a friend for free after my last paying client left because he was in the area.” “You do that a lot? Offering up your services for free?” “Just for friends and special people, doll,” he chuckled, “Why? Are you considering getting inked after all?”

Well were you? You didn’t even know at this point. Whenever you had thought of tattoos you had only ever thought about big bold and very black lines, of skulls, names of exes on your skin forever and warped pictures of people’s faces. But never of delicate flowers, bright colors and intricate designs. Johnny had made it obvious that it was art that he was doing and that it wasn’t just some technical procedure to get color beneath your skin. “I- I don’t know,” you confessed, “I never thought much about tattoos until Jaemin started getting them.” “I thought so,” the artist chuckled, “But I bet I could design a pretty piece that would compliment you nicely.” “I don’t think I’m the type for it though,” you argued, thinking about the amount of ink on Johnny’s body and you hadn’t even seen half of it. (Not that you planned on doing so but you were curious to know if there was more hiding beneath his clothes.) “It doesn’t have to be an obvious one. Just something only you know about.” That really got you thinking. His tattoos were really delicate and you had seen that he could write in really pretty cursive. “I don’t want to pressure you into anything, darling. But if you ever want one, you know who to ask.”

“Yeah, thank you Johnny,” you murmured, lost in thought about how you would look like with multiple tattoos. “I like the way you say my name.” “You- what?” You stuttered when he caught you off guard like that, making him laugh. “You’re cute,” he said once he had calmed down. “Stop pouting,” he added when you weren’t answering. “How did you know I was?” Johnny chuckled again. “I just knew.” “Thank you for keeping me company,” he said when you hadn’t said anything in a while. “It’s alright. I like talking to you,” you confessed. You could hear a door closing and his deep chuckle on the other end of the line. “You probably hear that a lot…” you murmured, embarrassed at how the words had slipped past your lips. “I actually don’t,” Johnny said, “I appreciate the words, darling. I’m all done cleaning up now, thank you for keeping me company.” “It’s fine, no need to thank me.” “You should go sleep now, it’s already late. Sweet dreams, doll. Maybe I’ll even visit you.” “Goodnight, Johnny,” you squeaked. The last thing you heard before he ended the call was another chuckle and a hushed goodbye. Smiling widely you turned your face into your pillow to muffle the scream you let out. How could this man make your heart beat faster like that with just a few simple words? And why did this short phone call make you so happy? Sighing, you put your phone to your nightstand and cuddled tightly into your blanket, the thought of Johnny’s smooth voice guiding you to sleep where he indeed did visit you.

After that initial phone call, Johnny called you more and more often. Sometimes when he was on his lunch break and his colleagues were still working, sometimes later at night when your head was spinning from studying and he was cleaning up the shop. You two talked about your days, you complained about professors, deadlines and assignments and he told you about tattooing and his sometimes crazy clients. And every now and then Johnny would bring up his offer to tattoo you. Which made your thoughts spiral every single time. In class you would scroll through Johnny’s Instagram account, imagining what some of the intricate, more feminine designs would look like on your skin. After much consideration you definitely ruled out anything big or colorful. But something small wouldn’t hurt, right? Well it would, you would be giving him permission to stab you with an automated needle a bunch of times which in itself sounded really scary. But Jaemin’s tattoo looked nice. And after his skin had peeled, the hummingbird truly looked absolutely incredible and you couldn’t wait for him to visit the shop again to keep working on the sleeve.

So in a whim of bravery and with the help of the little glass of wine you had drank you told Johnny that he should tattoo you. “Are you for real?” He asked. “I am,” you giggled, “I’ve thought about it a lot the past weeks.” “I am honored, darling. What will it be?” “Something small and no colors please,” you told him. “That’s all you’re asking for?” “Yeah, I… I like the simple black stuff you do,” you stuttered, suddenly really nervous and unsure if this was actually a good idea. “I’ll design something that’ll match you perfectly,” Johnny promised, sounding very eager. You could hear some rummaging on his end of the line. “I could fit you in Friday evening after my last client. It won’t be too late and I need some time to come up with a design that’s worthy of being in your body.” You swallowed dryly. If you said yes, you couldn’t back out anymore. You would be getting inked. Secretly. Without telling anyone. Not to mention illegally. In a reasonably shady shop that was owned by the most gorgeous man you had ever met. Taking a deep breath, you nodded before you realized that he couldn’t see that. “I’ll be there,” you promised. “I’m looking forward to it, doll,” Johnny said before he wished you sweet dreams just like every time when he called you late at night.

The neon light in front of the door to the shop was already shut off when you arrived the next Friday late in the evening but the door gave away when you pushed it open with trembling hands after taking a deep breath. “I thought you weren’t going to come, darling, you left me waiting,” Johnny greeted you, jumping down from the counter he had sat on. He was wearing a simple black t-shirt with a little white rose design over his heart that fit him perfectly. His hair was elegantly swept back, exposing the freshly shaved part on the side. “I’m sorry,” you mumbled, fumbling with the sleeves of your hoodie. “Don’t be nervous, I’ll take good care of you,” he promised, quickly locking the front door before taking you to his room where he motioned for you to sit on the bench. “Do you trust me?” He asked, tipping your head up so you would look into his dark eyes. “I- I think I do,” you stuttered. “I won’t tell you what you’re getting,” Johnny grinned and your eyes widened in shock. “You will like it and it’s not that big.” “I’m not sure, Johnny,” you voiced your concerns but he just pressed his index finger to your lips before you could say any more. Your breath hitched and he could definitely feel your shaky exhale against his finger. “You said you trust me, doll.” Taking another shaky breath, you nodded and a smile spread over his plush lips. “I need you to take off your shirt and lie down on your left side,” he spoke, his voice casual but you could feel something shift in the air between you. At a loss for words you just nodded again and did as Johnny asked when he turned around to gather his stuff.

“Take a couple of deep breaths for me, darling,” he instructed you when he rolled over on his little stool, his glasses sitting low on his nose and his hands already gloved. “It’s going on your ribs,” he told you so you wouldn’t flinch when he quickly dragged a razor over the area before disinfecting it. “I’ll draw a quick sketch first. I don’t want to mess it up when it’s going on your beautiful skin.”  You felt the tip of his pen meet your skin in a gentle stroke, tickling your skin so you had to giggle. “Don’t make me mess this up, baby,” Johnny scolded, playfully slapping your back. “It tickles,” you pouted. “I’m trying to be gentle with you,” he said and you could hear the smile in his voice. While he was sketching, you closed your eyes, trying to figure out what he was drawing. But all you could figure out was that it was something rather small which calmed your nerves a bit.

“All done,” the tattoo artist announced after a while and quickly pulled his little side table with his tattoo gun and ink closer. When the low buzzing noise filled the air, you pressed your eyes shut even tighter, balling your hands into fists. Technically you knew it wouldn’t hurt badly, Johnny had shown you before. But you were still getting stabbed a bunch of times and fuck, you were really doing this. Letting this man put something on your body that was going to be there forever and you didn’t even know what it was going to be. “Relax, darling. I’ll be as gentle as I can be,” he promised, running a hand up and down your back. “It’s going to be on me forever,” you said. “It is. Your own personal piece of art on your body. Just for you to have.” That was a beautiful way to see it, you thought. It’s not just some pigment stabbed into your skin but art. Something unique no one else had. And Johnny would be painting it on just you for you and you alone. “Okay, let’s do this,” you breathed. “That’s my good girl,” Johnny praised and the words made your stomach twist with a feeling you didn’t want to further explore.

The pain was bearable. It was weird at first and the ribs sure hurt more than it had on your arm and the bones somehow seemed to amplify the buzzing, making it travel through your body. You had to grit your teeth when Johnny went over what seemed to be the middle part of the tattoo, where he grazed the skin in quick successions. “That hurts.” “I know, baby. But you’re almost done. You’re doing so well for me,” he soothed and gave you a small break to breathe before he went back in.

“All done, darling,” Johnny announced a little later, turning off his machine and rubbing the tattoo down with a wet paper towel. “Can I see it now?” You asked. “In a bit, keep your eyes closed,” he spoke softly and took your hands in his now ungloved ones to first guide you into a sitting position and then off the bench and over to what you assumed to be the mirror. He turned you so your side was facing the glass and put one of his big hands on your waist. It felt hot on your exposed skin and made goosebumps break out on your skin. “Open your eyes, doll.” You did and looked directly into his dark chocolate brown eyes behind his glasses. “I’m too scared to look now, is that silly?” You asked, losing yourself in his eyes and leaning towards his body that just seemed to radiate heat. “It’s beautiful, just like you,” he assured you, squeezing your waist reassuringly. After taking a deep breath, you tore your gaze away from him and turned to look at yourself in the mirror where a delicate, black chrysanthemum was awaiting you on the skin over your ribs. It indeed looked beautiful, absolutely stunning. It was small but looked so delicate and realistic and fit well with the curves of your body. “It’s stunning,” you whispered.

“Thank you, Johnny.” “No need to thank me, darling,” he chuckled and when your eyes met again, his were dark and almost hungry. “But I think I should reward you for being so good while I tattooed you.” Before you could ask what kind of reward he was talking about, he had already connected your lips in a passionate kiss and pulled your body flush against his. You couldn’t help but sigh now that you finally knew what the metal of his lip piercing felt like against your lips. Johnny was a good kisser and you were boneless in his strong grip not long after he had slipped his tongue past your lips after you had moaned into the kiss when he had started to push you backwards to the bench again, hoisting you back up. “Let me make up for the pain I’ve caused you,” he breathed against your swollen lips when you broke apart to breathe.   “Just keep kissing me like that,” you demanded, burying your hands in his soft black locks to kiss him again. He chuckled and let you dominate the kiss for a while, toying with the black ring in his lip and exploring his mouth. Meanwhile Johnny’s hands started to wander from their place on your waist down to grope at your ass, pulling you forward against him, so you could feel his growing erection between your legs which made a spark of arousal shoot through you.

“Let me make you feel good, baby,” he breathed heavily while kissing down your neck, gently taking the skin between his teeth. “Please Johnny,” you begged, feeling the arousal simmer low in your stomach. Grinning he pulled back and raked his dark eyes over your figure before making quick work of your belt and sliding your jeans along with your panties from your legs, only shortly struggling with your shoes. “It’s not Johnny now, baby,” he rasped when he kneeled down in front of you, pulling you towards him roughly, so your glistening core was exposed to him. “It’s Daddy,” he added before licking a broad stripe through your folds and flicking his tongue at your clit. You could just mewl and throw your head back in pleasure. You didn’t know that this would be such a turn on for you. “Say it, baby,” Johnny demanded, lazily dragging his tongue over your sensitive bundle of nerves. “Please Daddy,” you whimpered and you could feel his low groan vibrating against your core. He wasted no time to attach his plush lips to your clit, gently sucking and grazing his teeth over the little nub, making you mewl and shiver in pleasure. He definitely knew what he was doing, altering between stimulating your clit to the point where it almost became too much before he focused on dragging his tongue through your folds, gently prodding against your entrance before it gave away. When Johnny moaned you could feel it travel straight through you, making your head swim with pleasure. Looking down to the man kneeling in front of you, you were met with his dark eyes, staring straight up into yours. Moaning, you threaded your fingers into his soft hair and pressed his face closer to your core, not even taking the chance that he could move back. “Feels so good, Daddy,” you moaned when he spread your labia with his fingers so his tongue could dive deeper into you, stimulating your velvety walls. When he hummed it send sweet vibrations through your core and you could feel your orgasm approach almost embarrassingly fast. “Mmmh, so close Daddy.” “You wanna cum, baby?” He rasped, his hot breath fanning over your clit that he was lazily rubbing with two fingers. You bit your lip and met his dark eyes, nodding furiously. “Then beg for it, doll. I could stay here for hours,” Johnny spoke before he turned his head to mouth at your thigh, gently biting and sucking at the sensitive skin until it bruised under his ministrations. “I would just keep you right on the edge for hours until you’re a shaking mess for me, begging for release.” His lips split into a wicked grin when he saw how his dirty words affected you and he slowed his fingers on your clit until it was just enough to keep you stimulated but not enough to make the knot in your stomach snap. “Please Daddy,” you whimpered. “Please what baby?” He rested his head on your thigh, looking up at you from innocent eyes as if he wasn’t driving you insane with just his fingers. “What is it beautiful?” He repeated the question, replacing his fingers with his tongue. “You wanna cum?” “Yes please,” you whined, grinding your hips against his tongue to get more friction. “Well if you ask so nicely…” Johnny immediately slipped two fingers inside you with almost no resistance from how ridiculously wet you were and began pumping them in and out of your core fast, crooking them to search for your sweet spot. “Come on baby,” he growled, locking eyes with you again when he closed his lips around your clit. Almost screaming his name, you came hard when his fingers finally found your sweet spot, rubbing at it mercilessly to help you ride out your orgasm. Your thighs were shaking and you fell back onto the bench, the leather sticking to your back where you just laid for a while, your head spinning, breathing heavily.

“You look gorgeous like that,” Johnny complimented you, when he got back up from the floor, raking his clean hand through the mess that was his hair before he shamelessly took his fingers that were covered in your essence into his mouth, sucking them clean. Through half lidded eyes you could see the way he was still straining against the fabric of his jeans and the sight made your mouth water. “You’re still hard,” you said breathless.   “I am,” he said matter of factly. You wordlessly let your thighs fall open for him, exposing your core to him. “Oh baby,” Johnny cursed, pressing the heel of his palm against his bulge, “As much as I want to fuck you right now, you still have a fresh tattoo, doll.” “Please, Johnny, I want it,” you begged. “Shh, baby,” he soothed you rubbing a hand over your thigh, “Let me dress that tattoo and then I’ll take you upstairs to fuck you on an actual bed like you deserve.” You nodded, amazed by his amount of self-control.

Johnny worked quickly and efficiently: Cleaning your tattoo one last time before putting some ointment on it to keep it moisturized. At last he gently taped down a small sheet of plastic foil to keep it safe. “All done, beautiful,” he spoke before pecking your lips, “You still want to come upstairs with me?” “Yes Daddy,” you answered and you swore you could see his eyes darken just from the word alone. “Hold on tightly,” he ordered before scooping you up into his arms, holding you up by your thighs. Squealing you quickly wrapped your arms and legs around him, holding on tightly. “I’ll get your clothes before we open up tomorrow,” he mumbled when he carried you through the back door of the shop that lead to a dusty staircase. You pressed your body closer to his, nuzzling your face into his neck where the smell of his cologne was the strongest, to have some of his warmth seep into your skin when you started to shiver from the cold air. Lazily you let your lips travel over his skin, sucking a mark next to a splash of ink.

Johnny quickly grabbed the keys to his apartment’s door from atop of the doorframe (not really safe) and unlocked his door while holding you up with just one of his arms, the display of strength making your head spin. With quick steps he crossed the way to his bed and gently laid you down on the soft sheets, immediately crawling on top of you, crowding you against the mattress. “I knew you would look good in my bed,” he rasped, kissing your neck while his hands made quick work of the bra that you were still wearing for some reason. “You’re gorgeous, doll,” he breathed after he had sat up on his knees, looking down at you with dark eyes, his big hands roaming your body. Feeling shy under all the attention and compliments he was giving you, you tried to hide your face behind your fingers but he wasn’t having any of it, quickly grabbing your wrists in one hand to pin them above your head. “Don’t hide from me baby. Daddy wants to see how much you’re enjoying yourself.” You could just nod, trying to force down the whimper that almost spilled past your lips, he hadn’t even done much yet and you were already feeling arousal pulse through your veins. “I couldn’t hear your answer,” Johnny teased, gently grabbing one of your boobs to massage the soft flesh. “Yes, Daddy.” “That’s my good girl,” he grinned, releasing your wrists to slip his T-Shirt over his head, revealing his strong chest where the eagle majestically spread its wings and the hard lines of his abs. “Like what you see?” He asked smugly, climbing off the bed to unbuckle his belt and slip his jeans off his narrow hips, revealing strong, muscled thighs. One of them was covered with the face of a growling panther while the other was decorated with a colorful koifish tattoo that disappeared beneath the fabric of his dark boxers that were doing very little to hide a prominent bulge. “Let me,” you breathed and crawled over to hook your thumbs into the waistband. But before you pulled them down, you pressed a couple of kisses to the cherry blossom branch tattoo that seemed to stretch from his back over his hipbone and further down, mingling with the koi tattoo further down. With every centimeter of skin you exposed, more ink from the blossoms became visible and you kissed every single one of the delicate flowers. When his length finally sprang free, you had to swallow dryly: His cock was huge and hung heavy between his legs. Licking your lips you looked up to him, to find him grinning down at you. “Go to town, baby.”

He didn’t need to tell you twice, you were itching to feel his heavy weight on your tongue. You pressed a sweet kiss to his tip before placing a hand at the base only to find him surprisingly soft as you experimentally pumped your hand once. “It takes a while for it to get fully hard,” he groaned when you moved your hand up and down his shaft a couple of times, feeling it pulse beneath your fingers. Damn if he wasn’t even fully hard, how big would he be if he was? Holding him at the base, you licked a broad stripe up the whole length before you swiped your tongue around the pink head, pulling another groan from Johnny’s lips. Taking a deep breath, you finally took him in your mouth and hollowed your cheeks, tasting his skin. The weight on your tongue felt just right and you couldn’t help but moan as you slowly started to take more and more of him until you felt him hit the back of your throat. Shit, you were barely able to fit half of his length in your mouth like this. “You’re so big,” you moaned when you pulled off of him with a wet pop, spreading your saliva down the shaft with both of your hands. Johnny just hummed and grabbed a handful of your hair to shove your mouth back onto his dick. He cursed when the velvety heat surrounded him again and gently began to thrust in and out your mouth. “Fuck you look so good with my cock in your mouth,” he breathed heavily. You could only moan where your lips were stretched around his length and hollow your cheeks when he pulled out, the grip he had on your hair keeping you in place while he snapped his hips. “Shit baby,” Johnny cursed when he pulled out, panting while he rested the head of his cock on your outstretched tongue. “I could cum like this.” You whined pathetically, looking up at him with pleading eyes. He chuckled and gently slapped his cock against your lips, smearing them with precum. “But you don’t want that, don’t you, baby? You want my cock inside you? Stretching you out?” “Yes Daddy, please. I need it so bad,” you blabbered, not even knowing where those words were coming from but you seemed to have said the right thing with how Johnny’s dick twitched in his hand.

“Then get on your hands and knees for me, baby. Ass up.” It was almost comically how fast you complied, baring yourself to him. “Such a good girl,” he praised, grabbing your asscheeks to knead and pull them apart. “Beautiful.” “Please Daddy,” you begged him, arching your back further. “Patience baby,” he chuckled. A frustrated groan got stuck in your throat and turned into a drawn out whine when he pushed two of his fingers inside you, pumping them quickly and curling them to find your sweet spot again. Soon two fingers became three and he had reduced you to a moaning mess with how he abused your sweet spot once he had found it again. “You think you’re ready for my cock, baby?” “Yes. Oh god, yes please,” you begged while shamelessly grinding back on his fingers that he had stilled inside of you. “Spread your cheeks for me,” he ordered while quickly grabbing a condom from his bedside table and rolling it onto his cock. Balancing your weight on your knees and shoulders, you reached around yourself to pull your asscheeks apart so Johnny could see your core clenching around nothing. “You’re such a good girl for me,” he rasped, running his palm along the curve of your body while lazily thrusting his cock through your folds, making it glisten with your essence. Finally you could feel him nudging at your entrance with the thick head of his cock. “You want it, baby?” “Yes please Daddy,” you gasped, trying hard to be good and not grind back against him. “You’re such a good girl for me,” he chuckled, “And good girls get what they want if they ask so politely.” With that he finally sank into you in one agonizingly slow thrust until you could feel his hip bones press against your skin. You had to screw your eyes shut and bite your lip to suppress a whimper. You had never felt so full before.

“Fuck baby, you’re so tight,” Johnny groaned, grabbing you by the dip of your waist with his big hands, grinding you on his cock. “I’m so full, Daddy,” you gasped when he slowly pulled out until only the head of his cock was inside you before he languidly thrust back in. “Yeah? You like that? Being stuffed full of my cock?” You could only moan and nod where your head was pressed into the sheets. His cock was so big that it seemed to press against every good spot that was inside you, setting your nerve endings on fire, the pain from being stretched like that only adding to your pleasure. “You‘re sucking me right back in baby,” he cursed and gripped your waist harder, pulling you back on his cock as he picked up the pace, low groans falling from his lips. Your moans got progressively louder and louder the faster Johnny snapped his hips. “Hands behind your back, baby,” he ordered panting and immediately grabbed both your wrists in his hands to use them as leverage so he could fuck into you faster, the change of angle and pace making you moan his name. Your head was swimming with pleasure and you could only moan and mewl beneath him, imagining how he would bite his lip while watching his dick disappear inside you over and over again, stretching out the delicate skin of your sex. “God baby, your ass looks amazing,” Johnny groaned, praise after praise falling from his lips that reduced you to a moaning mess.

With one particularly hard thrust he buried himself to the hilt inside you and draped his body over yours, his hot breath fanning over your face when he spoke, a deep rumble in his chest while grinding his dick right against your sweet spot that had you seeing colors behind your closed eyes. “Wanna see you bounce on my dick, doll. Can you do that for me?” Taking a deep breath, you nodded. Your ability to form coherent sentences had left you as soon as he had begun to fuck you in earnest. “You’re such a good girl,” he purred and gently pulled out, making you whimper from the loss. You felt the bed dip next to you and when you opened your eyes, you were met with Johnny’s pleased smirk as he leaned against the headboard of the bed, his cock resting against his hip, too heavy to properly stand up and you couldn’t stop another whimper. “Come on baby, I know you want it,” he grinned, crooking a finger in a ‘come closer’ motion. Dragging your limbs from beneath you with great effort, you climbed onto his lap, immediately claiming his lips in a messy kiss. You buried your hands in his stupidly perfect hair to mess it up and tug at the inky strands, causing Johnny to moan into the kiss. “Hmm, my baby is feisty,” he chuckled when he broke the kiss, the pupils of his dark eyes blown so wide that they seemed almost black. “But you promised me to ride my dick,” he reminded you. “And I’m gonna,” you slurred, reaching between your bodies to grab his cock, giving it a couple of strokes. “But turn around for me baby. Wanna see how much my fat cock is going to stretch you out,” he rasped, playfully biting your lips. “But I want to see you too,” you complained. “Oh you can,” he grinned and pointed over your shoulder. You reluctantly turned around before you saw what he meant. Right across from the bed was a big mirror and you gasped because of how fucked out you already looked. A couple of tears had rolled down your cheeks and messed up your makeup and your lipstick was smeared around your lips.

You carefully grabbed Johnny’s cock again and held it steady so you could sink down on him, watching yourself in the mirror until you sat snug on his lap and had to close your eyes because the feeling was so overwhelming. He felt even bigger like that. “You okay, baby?” He asked, grabbing your hips tightly to help you swivel them on his cock, making it press into your walls just how you liked it. “How does your cock feel even bigger like this?” You gasped as you leaned forward and slowly started to ride him at first to get used to his size and figure out the best angle for you. Your legs shook with the effort to keep your rhythm but the look Johnny had on his face, his eyes glued to where you two were connected, made it worth it. Suddenly a wicked grin spread on his lips and he snapped his hips up when you lowered yourself again, tearing loud moans from both of you. “Fuck, do that again,” you demanded when you raised your hips again. “What’s the magic word?” Johnny teased, holding you up so you wouldn’t drop down again. “Please, Daddy.” Groaning he started to snap his hips up every time you ground down on him, making your skin slap together with an obscene noise.

God you wanted to die on his dick. “Do you now?” Johnny laughed. Shit did you say that out loud? “Want to feel how deep it goes inside you?” He rasped, wrapping his strong arms around your waist. You went lax in his hold and mewled helplessly. Who knew that a little display of strength and a big dick were such turn ons for you that your brain was reduced to mush. Grinning he carefully pulled you up and against his chest and draped your legs over his after he had planted his feet firmly onto the mattress. “Watch, baby,” he ordered as he lifted you off of him until only the tip was barely inside you anymore before letting you drop down again. You mewled and thrashed in his hold, the feeling just on the edge of too much. Feeling him deep inside you was one thing but actually seeing it was a whole other thing and it messed with your head. Curiously you pressed your hand down on your lower stomach when Johnny had started to piston his hips up into you instead of dropping you down onto his cock every time and you swore you could feel him move inside you. A drawn out curse left your lips and you threw your head back onto his shoulder.

With the way he was snapping his hips up you could feel your orgasm approach at lightning speed and you were so far gone that you shamelessly reached between your legs to stimulate your clit. “Fuck baby, you’re so hot like this,” Johnny groaned, grinding his dick inside you as you quickly rubbed your clit, toeing right on the edge. “Please Daddy,” you cried out, not sure what you were even begging for. “You gonna cum on my cock?” He rasped, snapping his hips harshly, “Wrapped around my big cock stretching you out like this?” You nodded your head furiously, your eyes screwed shut. You were so close that you could already feel your toes curling. “Show me baby. Show Daddy how good his cock makes you feel.” That’s what pushed you over the edge, the way he was panting in your ear, his voice strained from how he was drilling into you. The coil in your stomach snapped and you almost screamed his name, your body curling inwards and thighs shivering as your orgasm washed over you, making a bunch of colors explode behind your lids. In the back of your mind you registered Johnny’s curses and how he was grinding his cock inside you to help you ride out your orgasm. “Such a good girl,” he praised when your body went lax on top of him, your chest heaving with heavy breaths. You briefly wondered if you had ever cum this hard and you couldn’t think of any other time. “Thank you Daddy,” you panted, turning your face to press a messy kiss to his plush lips that were bitten raw. He chuckled lowly when you whimpered when his still hard cock shifted when you tried to turn around.

“Will you let me fuck you for a little longer, baby?” He asked, running a hand through your sweaty hair. Instead of answering him, you lifted yourself off his dick to turn around on his lap, capturing his lips again. “Want you to ruin me,” you whispered between kisses, “Want you to ruin me for any other men. Want to only remember how you feel inside of me.” Johnny growled deep in his chest before he pushed you down onto the bed, hungrily licking into your mouth. “You’re the one who is ruining me,” he panted, rising to his knees. He quickly grabbed your legs and threw them over his shoulders before he sank into you again with a low groan. This time he didn’t waste any time with building up the pace and immediately snapped his hips harshly, chasing his own orgasm. “You’re taking me so well, baby,” he panted, folding your thighs to your chest so he could push into you even deeper, making you see stars with how he was nailing your sweet spot with the new angle. And even though you had just cum, you felt another orgasm build inside your stomach. A row of curses left Johnny’s lips when he could watch his dick slide in and out of you again and he gripped your thighs so hard you were sure you’d have bruises there tomorrow. But that was something you’d worry about later, right now your world was only made up of the handsome man with his huge cock that was currently rearranging your guts with how vigorously he was snapping his hips, making your skin slap together with lewd sounds.

“I’m gonna cum baby,” Johnny grunted, his hips losing their rhythm. “On me,” you managed to choke out, still lost in your own pleasure. Another groan left his bitten lips before he quickly pulled out and ripped the condom off, jerking his cock with quick strokes, his eyes fixed to yours. All it took was a couple of jerks before he threw his head back and you could see his abdominal muscles contract before the first burst of white hot cum spurted from his dick and covered your chest and stomach. With parted lips he stroked himself through his orgasm, milking rope after rope from his cock until he hissed with overstimulation. “Fuck,” he cursed before giggling when he saw the mess he had made of you, his cum dripping from your boobs and running down your stomach. He cursed again before claiming your lips. “You want to cum one last time, baby?” “Please Daddy,” you whined, spreading your legs further for him. “My good girl,” he sighed, sinking two fingers into your heat, quickly crooking them to stimulate your sweet spot while his thumb was putting sweet pressure on your clit, making you thrash beneath him. “You look so good covered in my cum,” he rasped before he kissed you harshly to swallow your moans and cries of pleasure. You desperately held on to his shoulders, breaking the kiss when your head was spinning from the lack of oxygen. While speeding up his fingers, Johnny began sucking bruises low on your neck and over the soft skin of your cleavage. “Shit, I’m gonna-“ you didn’t get to finish your sentence because right that moment he had sucked one of your nipples into his mouth which was just enough to send you over the edge for a third time that night, your lips parted in a silent scream of his name and your thighs shaking and closing around the handsome man kneeling between them. “That’s my good girl,” he praised breathily and gently rocked his fingers to help you ride out your orgasm before he pulled them out, instead winding his strong arms around your body, holding you to his inked chest.

For a while he just held you close, not caring that his cum was now also stuck to his chest. “Fuck that was a lot,” you chuckled, burying your face in the crook of his neck, inhaling his calming scent. “Not what you thought would happen when you get a free tattoo?” Johnny softly spoke, carding his hand through your messy hair. “Not at all.” Another question was burning inside your head but you were too scared to ask it. You didn’t want to push him and ruin the mood. “I should clean you up and see if that tattoo is still okay. Then we can cuddle, alright?” The tattoo artist said before he detangled your bodies from one another to get up from the bed. He looked around on the floor for a cloth and you could finally see where the cherry blossoms on his hip were coming from. A big samurai was stretched over half his back, surrounded by the pinkish blossoms. It seemed like it wasn’t a complete piece yet, the samurai staring at the still untouched skin of Johnny’s left shoulderblade. “Your back tattoo is really pretty,” you mumbled to fill the silence while Johnny was wiping his chest clean before he gently did the same to you, taking extra caution when looking at your still fresh tattoo. “Thank you,” he smiled, pressing a kiss to your forehead, the metal of his piercing feeling warm on your skin, “We should change that foil real quick.” You just nodded and let him do his work, exhaustion settling into your bones.

“Do you do this with all your clients?” Shit. You hadn’t meant to ask that, the question had just slipped your lips and you could feel Johnny freeze where he was dressing your tattoo again before he secured the last piece of tape. He sighed and slipped beneath the covers, pulling you against his chest, so you could listen to his heartbeat. “Not all of them,” he answered eventually, “I haven’t slept with a client in a while. It happens sometimes but usually I don’t think much about it.” “And now you do?” He just hummed nonchalantly, playing with your hair. “They usually don’t come back after I fuck them.” He paused, holding his breath. “Will you come back?” Your heart started to race and you could feel a bright smile spreading over your lips. “For more free tattoos and piercings?” “Oh, yeah, I guess,” he sounded so deflated, the confident tattoo artist suddenly gone. “You idiot,” you giggled, pillowing your head on his sternum so he could see the smile on your lips, “I like you Johnny. I’ll come back if you want me to.” Now he was also smiling, his features softening. “Don’t make jokes like that, my heart is fragile,” he joked, wrapping you up in his strong arms.  

“Which one was your first one?” You asked him when the silence between you stretched while you traced the scales of the dragon that wound around his arm. “My first tattoo?” Johnny shifted around for a while before he showed you his other arm that had all kinds of different designs on it, some in bright colors, some strictly black. “That little guy over here,” he said with a smile on his lips and pointed to a little sunflower at the bend of his elbow, “To remind me to always look at the sun, at the bright side of life.” “It’s cute,” you breathed, touching the yellow petals. “And then it went downhill from there,” he chuckled, “It’s addicting.” “Let’s hope I can stay abstinent.” “What a shame, I’d love to cover you in my art,” Johnny confessed, tilting your face up so he could claim your lips in a kiss. “Maybe one or two more,” you breathed in between kisses, making him chuckle against your lips.

[moldygreenblue]

things from the asoue movie

(i personally think did better than netflix asoue, with “honorary mentions” that i can tolerate in ways.)

1. the movie soundtrack. thomas newman composes a lot of good scores, and everything in the asoue movie soundtrack is no exception (drive away is a real head banger). the fact it’s all on youtube, means one can jam to it whenever they go on youtube (i’m guilty of this). i love the netflix soundtrack a lot as well because shoot that is jim dooley’s music (i love his music ever since pushing daisies came out!). but netflix...where’s the official soundtrack? the fact jim dooley’s youtube channel has him uploading songs via request means he’s the only one to listen to the fans who want the show’s soundtrack is why the movie did better because of netflix’s poor treatment by not releasing it. it has to be jim dooley himself having to do it (and i appreciate him doing so because omg i can finally hear the tpp version ‘that’s not how the story goes’ without lemony talking over *tears up*)

2. the vfd group photo. everyone in the photo feels all organic and real. you got members sitting on the floor and steps. some members are standing. some members smiling happy to be there, or with neutral expressions because they don’t want to be there. some are in gestures of sorts (ike is flexing his arm like a goofball; that’s a nice touch to flesh out a dead minor character). it almost feels like the movie team decided ‘since we have the budget, we should get billy connolly, meryl streep, and others to take a photo and we’re telling them they can do whatever they want’. netflix’s vfd feels artificial and very, fake in ways. i don’t want to say it’s a bad photoshop, because group photos can have everyone stand in neat little row all smiles, but some heads feel...off. like, something feels really off with larry, ike, and uh, the guy i think is lemony who is clearly got the worst of it. is that a bad photoshop?

3. the littlest elf. the movie made that elf have a (minor) presence from beginning to end. there’s the fake out opening. the theme song from the fake out opening is heard three more times (twice in-verse, and it’s the final song in the credits) and it’s annoyingly catchy. olaf having a bobble head doll so shoot that means it’s popular franchise in the movie world. the movie made the littlest elf a thing, and netflix only makes it a word-of-mouth reference. what’s weirder for netflix is gustav despite having more of a character and kept his director status (unlike movie!gustav), never bring up this horrific masterpiece and the connection between the two (that i can recall). like, this is not cool, netflix!

4. movie!monty being able to carry snakes and having a personal snake.  the movie probably had the budget to do so unlike netflix, but monty in any continuity would carry a snake with him if possible, even for a short amount of time. movie!monty goes up a level by being a giddy herpetologist with his own personal pet snake he loves and adore (sidenote: movie!monty, that’s why petunia thinks you’re a tree you always carry her around. you spoil her rotten). netflix!monty with the winged lizard is not the same vibe, because it’s cgi. i think netflix!monty should have hold a real snake for at least a minute, as a treat.

5. two-thirds of the wide window section. it’s not that i think the netflix version is bad, for i do enjoy it. but there’s so many details in the movie version i enjoy: josephine and her poofy black mourning dress. klaus dissociating in the kitchen and josephine losing it. josephine casually telling the children ‘oh no he [ike] got eaten by leeches’ and the baudelaires are all (O_o) and sunny speaks for them all. the fact josephine is strong enough to pull the chain to show off the wide window all by herself and violet and klaus are still (O_o).  josephine screaming at the jane lynch cameo + “we got to get her out of the house.”. sunny accidentally dropping the apple basket. klaus tackling captain sham shamelessly. the baudelaires getting accuse of shoplifting. everything about hurricane herman, especially with josephine’s fears coming true. klaus assuming violet may kill them all with her plan to get off the platform.

the fact that the deleted/extended version of josephine’s death is so messed up (josephine realizing she can’t jump, josephine allowing herself to sit back on the boat, crying as she apologizes, the fog covering her and the boat), i truly think the wide window was the book the movie team attempted to do the series right in their own way, but meddling got involve.

and now, honorary mentions.

honorary mention 1: movie!powder face women ages. i don’t know what is up with their personalities (i’m including deleted scenes), but you know what? the movie team did cast two actresses who fit the age range of the sbg. had the movie continued in hypothetical sequels, i would have 100% believe their recruitment into vfd is connected to the loss of their sibling in a fire. netflix!powder face women are older than their movie counterparts (and maybe book counterparts, taking brett helquist’s illustrations of them as them being on the younger side), so when netflix decided to make ishmael the creator of vfd, they pretty much made a giant hole of a contradiction over their statement of losing a sibling to a fire (unless they aged very badly). netflix due to their major changes of vfd, made the movie look good in a weird way. honorary mention because movie series is dead in the water, and their characterization.

honorary mention 2: the baudelaire’s mansion. the exterior only shows up for one second in its glory before fernald stabs his hook into the photo, but given how the ruins are shown a lot, it’s easy to tell the mansion isn’t super huge, but still huge and noticeable. its location being in middle of the street holding a corner spot of sorts means looking from high above does give the illusion it’s in the ‘heart of a dirty and busy city’. the netflix mansion...it’s something. the netflix mansion looks like it’s borderline on a suburb neighborhood, and the mansion takes up six lots like this not what i thought in mind. it’s honorary mention because the exterior shows up for one second (and i’m not sure how to feel about the interior).

honorary mention 3: movie!lemony hiding his face 24/7. netflix!lemony showing his face is because he’s narrating the series from the future. whenever (past) netflix!lemony shows up, there’s is a sense (future) netflix!lemony is trying to avoid narrating himself because it screams, “oh hey that’s me! oh wait that’s me. i’m just...going to go.” and he leaves and only comes back after he’s certain past!lemony is gone. as much i as actually enjoy what netflix did, i do like the ‘i’m not going to show my face, suckers’ angle lemony has in the books. 

the movie carries this over. lemony’s face is always not in the shot because the movie is showing his body head down, obscure by shadows, or do show his face but partly. the whole ‘my ribbon just jam’ bit still has lemony still refusing to not show his face. in fact, it’s hard to find a shot where his face is ‘visible’ without editing the lighting and shadows and what not until the ending, when lemony gets his transcript out of the typewriter due to the lighting of the lamp:

it’s a honorary mention because excluding lemony having no shame on interrupting the fake out opening, no shame on telling the audience to jump out the airplane if they’re watching the movie there, the ‘ribbon just jammed’ moment (if only because movie!lemony blank out afterwards), and technically lemony being melancholic after looking out the spyglass (lemony would totally do that, but in a different context), movie!lemony doesn’t do a lot of things that make him be, well, lemony. that, and movie!lemony’s aesthetics still confuses me to this day.

[fallingappleshurt]

He won then we lost but it’s okay

( I wrote something for the FD!AU made by @antarctic-bay !! I love your AU so it was really fun to write something for it!! And if the original creator doesn’t like this then I’ll delete it!!

And keep in mind this writing isn’t canon!! It’s just a Drabble I wrote in like 6 non-consecutive hours! And I’m sorry for any funky formatting, I wrote this in a google doc then copied it here lmao)

(TW: Swearing and light ‘angst’)

The world moved in slow motion as the ball hit the rim, Tommy held his breath.

It slipped through the rim, the buzzer sounded.

Tommy let out the breath as a scream. He did it, he made the shot, they won.

They won.

He looked up to his brothers, Techno was screaming like a mad man, cheering loudly, “Oh my God! That’s my- that’s my brother! Holy shit!” Wilbur was just as loud, throwing his arms around Techno as they yelled.

And Phil.

He made it.

He stood there with the biggest grin on his face, eyes shining as he cheered. For him.

It was the best feeling.

Then his team was surrounding him, cheering, clapping him on his shoulders, messing up his hair. He was laughing, it was a happy, half- hyperventilating, shriek as a few of his team mates attempted to pick him up.

Soon the crowd was clearing and his brothers were moving onto the court to congratulate him. Techno slung an arm around his shoulder while Wilbur messed up his hair, laughing.

Phil smiled at him, eyes shining with pride.

“Tommy that was amazing, I’m so proud of you!”

Tommy smiled so hard his face hurt.

Techno and Wilbur were listening as Tommy babbled on about the points he scored when Phil went to talk to Coach Pete.

“Since Tommy joined the team he’s been so great, you can almost forget about him being a delinquent!”

The three youngers froze in place, none of them dared move as Phil scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Ever since Tommy joined the team, he’s been fighting much less than before, it’s wonderful.”

“Yes, I guess it is.” Phil turned slowly to look at his younger brothers, who all smiled nervously back.

“Run,” Techno hissed at them.

“Tech’s right, he can’t catch us all.” Wilbur agreed.

“Well, it’s been a long day, I’m sure you guys are tired,” Phil said, throwing an arm around Wilbur’s shoulders, “And we have a few things to discuss, don’t we boys?”

They walked towards the car awkwardly, Techno and Tommy climbed into the backseat while Wilbur and Phil got upfront. Once they started to pull out of the parking lot Phil started;

“What the fuck did he mean?” He asked, looking back sharply at Tommy.

“Well, um, you see, so-” Tommy stammered before looking at Techno, “Help me out a little here!”

“You’re the delinquent dude,” Was all he got.

“Oh my god, you’re useless- anyways, uh, I learned how to fight at Deo’s Dojo, cause people at our school- people at our school really suck, man, they suck and I wanted to be able to defend myself and others, ya know?”

Phil nodded slowly, with an eyebrow raised, “Okay, that still doesn’t explain the ‘delinquent’ thing.”

“He was essentially being a vigilante, since bullying is a big problem at our school, he stops a lot of it.” Techno added, “If it makes you feel better, I checked him over, he was never hurt too badly.”

“So you knew about it?”

Techno’s face dropped slightly, “Uhhhh, there is a great possibility that I did.”

“Wilbur was in on it too!” Tommy blurted out, trying to take some of the heat off Techno.

“What!” Phil ripped his eyes off the road to gape at Wilbur while Wilbur himself whipped around to glare at Tommy,“Seriously?!”

“All three of you were doing this shit?!” Phil snapped, looking back at the road.

“Not the fighting, I just helped figure out who was an asshole, Tommy beat them up, and Techno made sure Tommy was okay afterwards.” Wilbur crossed his arms, looking out the window.

“How- how did you three even manage to pull this off?”

“Wilbur knows a lot of people and was able to get information from them. Techno did medical research to make sure he knew what to do and I practiced a lot, so it just kind of worked.” Tommy mumbled.

Phil just shook his head slightly, “Well, for starters you guys are grounded.”

“Yeah, I saw that coming.” Wilbur shrugged.

“Thanks a lot Tommy,” Techno grumbled,

“What do you mean ‘Thanks a lot Tommy’? You gladly helped me!”

“Not gladly-”

“Fucking lies dude! Lies!”

They continued down the road in silence, tension filled the air, when Tommy noticed Phil’s shoulders start to shake, it took him a minute to realize that Phil was laughing.

It started out as a quiet chuckle that grew into guffawing.They were at a stoplight when it evolved into loud, infectious,cackling, soon they were laughing along with him, nervousness and tension fading away as Phil shoved his face in his hand.

“It’s just,” He broke off laughing, “It’s so stupid, How- how did you even manage to pull this off?” He cackled again before taking a breath, eyes raking over his younger brothers, “You guys are idiots,” He grinned fondly and Tommy sighed, It was a good night.

They had arrived home and Tommy immediately went to shower, once he got out and changed he stepped into his shared room he was greeted by Techno, who was laying upside down on his bed, rolling a fidget cube between his fingers, and Wilbur, who was on the floor, scribbling in a notebook.

“What are you guys doing?”

“We are still feeling kind of bad about the whole, so we wanted to do something for Phil,” Techno explained.

“We are between making a big feast for dinner tomorrow for both you and Phil or some off brand fourth of July thing with possibly illegal firecrackers,” Wilbur said, biting the end of his pencil.

“Definitely the dinner,” Tommy said flatly, flopping down on his bed, exhausted, “We don’t need him more upset with whatever option two was.”

“Yeah, we were leaning towards that.”

“You should have been falling towards it,” Tommy said, throwing his towel on his desk chair.

“Next part is what should we make? I think a whole chicken would-”

“Wait!” Techno shot up suddenly, “Hang on!” He rushed out of the room, tripping over his own feet.

“Could you have an attention span longer than two minutes?” Wilbur called after him, rolling his eyes. A few minutes later Techno came back into the room and slid towards Wilbur on his knees, shoving a dusty box at him.

“What the hell is that?” Tommy asked, rolling over to look at his brothers.

“Are those mom’s old recipes?” Wilbur asked, sitting up.

“Yes! Phil said one of these was his favorite! I don’t exactly remember which one but it’s one of these!” Techno grinned widely, Wilbur flipped through the worn recipes, gaping, “Tech this is perfect!”

“I think his favorite was the chicken parm or something like that.” Tommy said, leaning over the edge of his bed.

“I think he’s right,” Techno agreed.

After twenty minutes of scheming and sorting they had a plan, it was almost perfect when Tommy asked; “Wait, how are we going to get all of the ingredients? We’re grounded!”

“I got it covered,” Wilbur said, pulling out his phone, texting someone, a few moments later he grinned before slipping it back in his pocket.

“My friend is gonna pick up the ingredients for us in the morning and drop them off, so we technically won’t break any rules.”

“This’ll be great! As long as we can pull it off!” Tommy beamed, Techno and Wilbur nodded in agreement. They’d make it up to their brother.

The next morning after Phil headed off to work, Wilbur’s friend showed up with all of the ingredients, after they unloaded it all and Wilbur paid them back, painfully, they were ready to start. Techno started picking up around the apartment more while Wilbur and Tommy prepped the kitchen.

“Tommy do you know how to dice things?”

“Probably,”

“Oh my God, it’s gonna be a long day.”

After a long day of cooking, cleaning, and baking, it was finally done. They had set the table, the food was out, the cake Techno made was chilling in the fridge and most of the dishes were done, all that was left to do was wait.

And that was the worst part.

Ten minutes later and Phil finally walked through the door, shoulders drooping.

“Hey guys,” He greeted weakly, waving at Wilbur in the kitchen. He set down his bag and coat on the couch then looked over at the table to see it fully set, covered in food and his brothers standing next to it with nervous smiles.

“Surprise!” Tommy’s voice was barely stronger than a whisper, he watched as life flooded back into Phil’s eyes.

“What- what is this?” He took a step closer.

“We wanted to celebrate Tommy’s victory and try to make up the whole delinquent, vigilante thing, so we did this,” Tommy explained quietly, “Do you like it?”

“This, guys, this is-” Phil paused, a gentle smile pulled at his lips as he chuckled, “This is amazing.” He wrapped an arm around them, eyes watering;

“I’m so proud of you guys.”

(Why does tumblr not like my italics??)

[jui-imouto-chan]

Part 9

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@multishipper-trash

I switched to calling him Shoyo since everyone except Kageyama calls him that but I’ll probably go back to Hinata in a different part (also bc Natsu is technically a Hinata so)

•

“A letter!!” Natsu announced from the door, her feet slapping against the wood of the stairs as she made her way to Shoyo’s room. “Nii-chan!!

“Coming!”

Natsu bounced on her heels impateintly, listening to the rustle of Shoyo’s sheets. Shoyo yelped and then began hissing something she couldn’t quite make out, and then after a few minutes of relative quiet, Tobio and Shoyo shouted at each other before Tobio stormed out, barging past her without patting her head like usual. Natsu wondered if he had a fever, since his face was the color of steamed crab.

Huh, so did Shoyo. Maybe they were both sick?

“Nii-chan.” She proffered the letter, shifting her weight.

Shoyo shook his head, his flush lightening enough that it only stained his cheeks. “Thanks, Natsu,” he said, smiling as he ruffled her hair. She grinned up at him and turned on her heel, padding over to the kitchen to rattle off what she learned in school the day prior to their mom.

The letter Shoyo held was from the “Kenma” that had made a contract with him the month before, with a simple wax seal of a cat with headphones on. The envelope was crisp and pristine, although the penmanship of the address lines was constantly fluctuating between beautiful and scribbly.

Shoyo glanced around, making sure Kageyama wasn’t nearby, then retreated into his bedroom, ignoring the tangle of sheets that had collapsed to the floor during the earlier...incident... and instead settling into his desk.

‘Hello, Shoyo.

There’s more funding in the envelope inside the one you pulled this out from. Have fun with it, I guess.

I was wondering if you want to meet up with me at some point. I’ll leave my contact stuff at the bottom of this letter... Leave the scary guy you who follows you around at home please. I don’t want to get murdered.

Anyway. We can discuss the details for the date meet and greet when we meet up over text, if you want to actually do that.

Kenma.

XXX-XXX-XXXX’

Shoyo found the wad of bills and decided that he’d make sure ‘Kenma’ would let him pay for food and stuff for when they met up, guilt gnawing at him for taking charity. It wasn’t like he wasn’t giving anything for it, but he didn’t actually feel any difference in his mana supply—not that he could even actually tell that there was mana in him. Maybe the contracts just weren’t taking as much as he thought they would be? —Like everyone taking five yen when he has a billion yen: pretty much negligible. (—Thank you Tsukishima for using that word. Hinata just hoped he wouldn’t use it to describe his test score increases relative to his grade again.)

Shoyo snagged his phone off the nightstand (pointedly ignoring Kageyama’s beside it), tossing himself onto his mattress and kicking his feet as he sent a greeting.

•

Kuroo had himself draped over Kenma’s bed, scrolling idly through messages Lev sent to their groupchat and rolling his eyes. He glanced over at the partial-blonde, who was so close to the TV, Kuroo wondered if he’d eventually pass through the screen and actually enter the game.

Beside his head, Kenma’s phone flashed and pinged, and he’d never seen Kenma move so fast. The game was paused and Kenma was lain beside Kuroo in an instant, his eyes flicking across the screen with overwhelming intensity.

“Did a preorder drop or something?”

Kenma completely ignored him. Kuroo tried to quell his urge to annoy his best friend with dramatics.

The shorter spent five minutes reading whatever message he had received, probably rereading it multiple times if Kuroo were to go off the fact that Kenma hadn’t scrolled.

Finally, after an agonizing period of tense silence, Kenma’s thumbs got to work, typing and retyping words. Kenma mouthed the sentences and scrunched his nose periodically, probably noticing syntax errors.

It was a little bizarre, since Kenma didn’t usually care about what he wrote or how he wrote it. Kuroo once had to read the words “skin $100 said no moth,” with his own eyes, and the message still sometimes haunts him. (Kenma meant to type, “My mother said no to buying the $100 skin,” but didn’t correct himself afterward.)

“Do I add a ‘please’ when saying where to meet me or is that desperate?”

“Do you actually want my opinion or are you talking to yourself?”

Kuroo sighed as Kenma continued his pondering, muttering about lines from a few otome games. Kuroo leaned over and scanned the message, as neither of them had ever been particular about privacy, biting his lip to keep from laughing.

“Hey,” Kenma snapped, falling out of his deliberations. He rolled over and away, which led to him slipping to the floor.

Kuroo burst into cackles, only catching his breath after Kenma tossed a remote at his head. “W... Who’s got ya all riled u-up?” he tried to inquire, panting.

“None of your business.”

“Is ‘Shoyo’ a special friend I should know about?” Kuroo waggled his eyes, dodging an amiibo that sailed through the air and left a noticeable dent in Kenma’s wall.

“N-No.”

It was quite clear that Kuroo did not believe him one bit, his Hyena-like laughter rippling through the air. “You’re lying—your ears are red! Your blushing so hard!”

“Shut up!” Kenma hid under the covers at the foot of the bed, trying to look back at his phone. Kuroo, deciding that he was fine with dying there, poked at Kenma’s head, seeking amusement from teasing the half-blonde.

“Huh?” Kenma was stock-still, not even moving when Kuroo prodded at him. “Kenma, you okay? Are you dead?” The blankets were raised, Kuroo peering upside-down at his friend.

Dead seemed like an understatement—after all, at least then you would see the life draining out of the body. No, Kenma appeared as though his soul was sucked out with a vacuum and his body sat empty while his spirit struggled against the vacuum bag.

Kuroo snatched Kenma’s phone out of his hands, his friend not twitching or reacting at all. The only indication that Kenma was still existent was the slow paling of his skin.

“What’s got you so.... Oh. Well... Yep, that’ll do it.”

The last line of his message, which he probably was intending to delete—or at least rewrite—simply read, ‘I look forward to our date.’

•

“He won’t think that you wanted it to be a date if I come,” Kuroo explained as he shoved Kenma toward the cafe, still quite sympathetic of his poor friend’s pain. Kenma had his hood pulled up and kinda seemed tempted to drift into traffic, so Kuroo just kept a better hold of his shoulders as he drove him forward.

“Maybe he’ll take pity on me and stab me with a teaspoon.”

“Maybe you’ll be less morbid, how about that?”

“We both know that’s very unlikely.” Kenma managed to open the door before Kuroo flattened him against it.

“True,” he sighed. “So, you see him?”

Kenma glanced around, fingertips rubbing against his nails within his pockets as he sought out Shoyo.

After a moment of peering around, he spotted sunrise eyes and a mane of flame, as well as the scent of full, unfettered magic wafting through the air.

“There,” Kenma breathed as Kuroo straightened, eyes fixating on the summoner. Kuroo whistled to himself.

“I’m counting myself lucky that you’re not territorial.”

Kenma squinted at his best friend, though he let his withering glare fall exasperatedly. “I’m getting there.”

Kuroo’s smile grew with mischief. “Too late.” His tongue slipped across his upper lip.

Across the cafe, Shoyo shivered, glancing around and catching their predatory gazes. Unlike prey, his eyes didn’t waver, and their excitement only grew.

•••

••Part 9 of (?)••

This got a little longer than usual—I got carried away bc I love writing disaster Kenma 😂 and also Natsu is super adorable so I’m including her more 💖💖

•• Send Asks for more! Feel free to ask about characters and send Headcanons! Or if u wanna just talk Haikyuu/ships, I’m good with that too! :) and for other parts, search the “summoner au” tag on my blog and you’ll find em!••

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[theforty7thgamer]

My Top Four Fox Based Worlds For Kingdom Hearts

This list Is based off of Fox properties that I think should be in Kingdom Hearts. Remember these can technically happen since Disney owns Fox.

Spoilers Ahead.

# 4 Raising Hope/Natesville

This is a world to show how even the littlest of towns can contribute to the upcoming Keyblade War. I love to shop at Howdys or a boss fight with Lucy. For a story, I would pick one of the wedding episodes, that or an original story taking place after the series.

Partners: probably none, though though if it had to be somebody it had to be at least one of the Chances or a family friend.

Keyblade: "Here we go (Oh Oh Oh)" (turns into a baby rattle and mobile (with references to the show.))

Bosses: heartless reference of something from the show & Lucy.

(Note: it would not be a bad idea to incorporate a My Name Is Earl reference)

#3 Diary of a wimpy kid/Plainview...Kind of:

I'm not the first one to come up with this, I'll just say that.

My idea for this world is that instead of having is being based off of the movies actual events, If you want to take place within the journal of Greg Heffley.

Heartless are threatening to take over by making the events of the journal (which is from Greg's perspective) into a real version so that it can be prime real estate for a takeover.

I would really like to see a concept like this used for an actual world.

Partners: Greg(either the doodle version of him, or The real Greg acts like a fourth dimensional being and has influence using a pencil) and also Rowley (he is a gold belt in karate last time I checked).

Keyblade: Twisted Wizard™ Blade of Unlocking (transforms into a staff and then a pencil or pen based of The diary of a wimpy kid mythos).

Boss: Twisted Wizard strategy guide come to life, amalgamation of heartless in a form of all the things Greg fears, some third boss based of off heartless.

#2 Bobs Burgers/ Wonder Warf:

Bobs Burgers is my favorite show so of course I would like this to be a world in Kingdom Hearts

The main concept for this world is that what would happen if a world based on realistic fiction, the only forms of fantasy is what if and stories told by the characters, (the most unreal thing is a two-butted goat, and a sea monster and you could chalk it up to a mutation and some superstition.)

Imagine the city that Bobs Burgers takes place in (I only called her Wonder Wharf because it was a well-known name from the show) finding out that the supernatural exists.

I love to see the town adapt to that.

It would also be fun to see the Belchers and the unique story created for this game world.

Partners: If possible, all of the Belchers, but most likely just Bob and Louise.

Keyblade: Good for your heartless (turns into a spatula, and then a Bobs Burgers theme spatula themed spatula.

Bosses: A fake boss fight with either Hugo Jimmy Pesto or Mr Fisheoder, (you get arrested after you land the first hit), and and a boss fight consisting of a heartless based around a concept from the show, like a burger heartless.

# 1 Free Guy/Free City:

At the time of writing this, I just saw the movie Free Guy, and it was really great. I want A world based around the movie or the events after it.

Spoilers ahead

If it takes place during the movie, it should be during the montage of Guy doing good things and go from there.

If it takes place afterward, you can have it be that Antwane Is working with the Heartless to gain back the game so he can get back his money and the heartless can use it to spread misery from the NPCs

With the focus on its being a video game, you can do something along the lines of Tron from the first Kingdom Hearts game.

Partners: Guy, Molotov girl/Millie, and maybe Buddy (he didn't do much combatively but I will be willing to see a change in the script for him).

Keyblade: Free Blade (can transform into a blaster, and then a keyboard)

Bosses: Glitched Dude, Antwan in some shape or form, Reboot,Error, or deletion Heartless.

So that's pretty much about it. I hope one day we will have one of these worlds in Kingdom Hearts, and I hope that day is soon.

If you want to use these ideas in fanfics or in fan art, or want to build upon these ideas, make sure to credit me.

Good day

[come-on-shitty-boys]

Haikyuu But They Don’t Play Volleyball (Pretty Setter Squad)

Notes: I am once again telling you that I know nothing about sports.  

*Read that Captain version here! (oikawa was included in the captain thread)*

Sugawara Koushi: Diving

He’s beauty. He’s grace. How could he not be a diver?

I’m sorry but just imagine him coming up from a dive, his hair clinging to his forehead, just smiling that pretty smile of his as he swims back to the edge of the pool?

Catch me simping.

TEAMMOMTEAMMOMTEAMMOM!

Sugawara is brings a whole ass cooler of snacks and drinks to every meet for all of his teammates.

Probably leads in stretches?  His positive energy gets everyone super hyped for the competition.  I promise you’ve never heard anyone count to ten with more enthusiasm.

He’s there on the sidelines to watch every single dive during the meet, shouting words of encouragement as they approach the platform, and then cheering loudly after the completed dive.

But, also?  C H A O T I C at practices.  Like he knows when it’s time to actually practice, but if something has the team down?  He’ll do some stupid move, shouting some TikTok reference on his way down.

Sugawara is really good at twisting dives? Like?? Really good at them.

If you come to his meets to watch him?  Precious bean smiles so much, likely giving you a thumbs up and a toothy grin before he steps up to the edge of the springboard.  

You’ll try to give him a hug once he’s out of the water, but he’ll likely just laugh and object, saying that he’ll get your clothes all wet.

But, he will sit down in his chair and let you dry his hair with his towel.  Watch him melt into your touch once you're done and just running your fingers through his silver strands, getting any tangles out.

He always offers you his jacket, because he’s an absolute gentleman.  But, he inevitably ends up getting cold, and will cuddle you in his lap to steal your body heat, putting his towel down over his legs so you don’t get your pants all wet.

Kageyama Tobio: Basketball

He plays point guard, because much like the setter in volleyball, the point guard controls the team’s offense.  It’s the most specialized position, again, just like the setter.

Three point K I N G!

Drains them left and right with expert precision.

He plays so rough oml and it’s not even on purpose!  Someone could guard him too much and he’s pissed even though that’s literally the point of basketball??? Catch him throwing so many elbows.

Kageyama practices dribbling non-stop.  If he’s not in during practice, he’s on the side lines doing ball-handling drills.

He could be the best ball-handler on the team and he’s still working to improve himself and learn from some of the point guards from the opposing teams.

He will have no idea that you’re even at his games, because he’s so in the zone, but if you come up to him afterwards as he walks out of the locker room?

Insert soft Tobio smile here ;-;

He’ll ask you if you enjoyed the game, probably talking about how one of the other players had a really clean jump shot, asking you to rebound for him so he can try that.

Please tell him no.  He’s on an adrenaline high and needs to go get some rest.

Kageyama will probably con you into it, no matter how much you object. He’d be shooting baskets, asking for your input every now and then as if you have any idea what you’re meant to be looking for.

You definitely walked up to him after a game in a t-shirt that had his name on it and this boy just got so flustered, because he will never be over the fact that you, of all people, wanted to date him.

But, he would tell you that you looked nice, just like he always does.  Kageyama would never outright say it, but the fact that you get all dressed up for his games makes his heart do backflips 🥺

Kozume Kenma: Track

Right? Crazy, I know, but hear me out.  He does high jump or maybe pole vault.  Something that doesn’t require too much physical exertion.

Sitting outside in the sun at track meets for hours on end is by no means his favorite thing to do, but he’s one of the first events, so if the meet is at Nekoma, he can just dip for a little while and go play his games at a cafe that has air conditioning or something.  Don’t tell his coach though because they’re technically not meant to leave??

During practices, you will likely find him lying on the mats, playing a game on his phone, not even caring if his coach comes over.  The others are doing the same thing, so why does it matter?

He can get really meticulous though, especially right before postseason.  He’d get in this trance where he’s constantly working on his approaches, making sure they feel just right before he even thinks about jumping.  

Kenma hates when you come watch him.  It throws him off, so if you do plan on coming to a meet, please don’t say anything ;-; 

Honestly, he probably wouldn’t even tell you when he has meets, just so he doesn’t run the risk of you watching him.  

Assuming you do find out his schedule, it’s probably best if you come after his events?  It would put him more at ease knowing that there wasn’t even the slightest possibility that you had watched him.

He’ll sit on the bleachers with you though, munching on some snacks that you brought, making quiet conversation while he plays his games.

Kenma will always tell you that he doesn’t care if you come or not, but deep down, he enjoys the time he gets to spend with you while he’s waiting for results he absolutely will make sure that you leave if he makes it to the final round though

Akaashi Keiji: Golf

GOLF BRAT this is a joke don’t kill me pls

I’m talking like he grew up playing golf with his dad, but because he’s played so long, he’s super good.  

He shoots in the high-30s on nine holes and probably gets really annoyed with himself if he gets in the mid-40s

You’ll see him on the driving range right after the match, practicing until he’s content if he ever does worse than he expected.

He only uses Callaway golf balls and probably has a really unique ball mark.

His golf clubs?  Custom fit.  He’s not a snob, I swear.  He just takes it really seriously, because Akaashi knows that he’s good and could get some really incredible scholarships.  He wants to be able to perform to the best of his ability and if that means spending a lot on a nice set of golf clubs that will last him for a long time, then he’ll do it.

Akaashi carries his clubs.  He doesn’t understand the need for those push carts?  Sure the clubs are kind of heavy, but it’s not that bad.

Definitely refused to wear a glove for a long time, but eventually the blisters and calluses got so bad that he had to cave.  

Putting KING.  Can and will sink a 15’ putt without batting an eyelash.  He doesn’t have a lot of power in his drives, but his short game is impeccable. 

He’s always really flattered when you show up to his matches.  They’re boring to watch, and he knows that, especially if you don’t play golf or have any interest in the sport.  

But, the fact that you’re willing to walk with him around the course, asking him questions about the rules of the game, or even just helping him find his ball?  It brings that gentle Akaashi smile to his face. 

Akaashi in a polo akaashi in a polo akaashi in a motherfucking polo

Some weekends he’ll take you out to the course with him, let you borrow a set of his old clubs if you don’t have a set of your own, and you two will play a round of golf together

You give up after hitting the ball in the lake four times in row and just settle for driving the golf cart and providing him with emotional support.

Atsumu Miya: Tennis

Just imagine that wide ass smile of his when he scores a point

Wait i’m already soft i-

Anyway.  The intention was to get Osamu to play too and they would be this really incredible duo for doubles

But Osamu physically could not put up with Atsumu’s shit.  Like, in volleyball there are other people on the court to interact with, but in doubles tennis? It’s just atsumu

Osamu literally lasted one practice.

But, we’re not here to talk about him.

Atsumu doesn’t have a lot of power, so he has to come up with other ways to score.  He mainly relies on well-aimed receives or drop shots

He hates the uniforms and he looks terrible in them.  I’m so sorry Atsumu stans, but it’s just a fact.  Those really light, almost white, khakis and the maroon polo?  Boy looks so dumb and he knows it.  Add the dumbass headband his coach makes him wear to keep his hair from his eyes?  Fashion crises.

It’s for this reason that he really doesn’t want you at his matches.  Because he knows that you’re going to take stupid pictures of him and use them as blackmail.  You come anyway and yes.  You take a million pictures of your boyfriend looking like a hot mess in his uniform.

If he catches you taking pictures in between sets?  He’s going to steal your phone the minute he’s done so he can delete them all

“153 pictures?! What the hell, Princess. . .”

“Sorry, ‘mu.  You just look so dumb in your uniform.”

He likes to drag you out to the courts on weekends to play doubles with friends or he’ll ask you to play singles with him. He always says that he’ll go easy on you, but three volleys in and he’s slipped into the zone and he’s playing for real.

Atsumu has absolutely smacked your ass with his racket and feigned innocence when you whirl around to stare at him in shock.  He probably starts lecturing the nearest person on how they should treat someone like that, especially his princess.

Smack his arm and shut him up, please.

I promise he looks a lot better when the two of you go play than when he actually has a match.  Some nice athletic shorts and a black t-shirt or hoodie, maybe a baseball cap to keep his hair out of his face?  Yeah.  He looks hella cute.

[carebearbliss]

How NCT 127 would confess to you

A/N: This took way longer than it was intended, but here it is! Hope you enjoy~

Taeil

Taeil went over the plan at least 50 times to make sure the delivery would be as smooth as he hoped it would be

Probably couldn’t really sleep the night before cause what if you reject him????

Plans on singing a love song specially for you, like a private mini concert in a rented out café you two frequent a lot

When you get to your usual hangout spot, the lights were out and you were confused af

But then as the lights went back on again you saw Taeil standing on a makeshift stage and the café was decorated with cute fairy lights and balloons and all

Then music started playing as he serenaded you sweetly and honestly you were already sold from the minute he started singing ngl

Kinda messes up what he prepared to say to you afterwards because he doesn’t want to screw it up but also when he looks at you his mind kinda goes blank

So happy and relieved when you tell him the feeling’s mutual that he lowkey almost tripped on the way back to his seat cause he lost feeling in both his legs

Lots of shy and awkward gazing and blushing on both parts, but when you meet each other’s gaze he gives you the brightest smile ever

Overall just really adorable????

Johnny

I swear 10/10 this guy had something elaborate and romantic planned out the moment he realized his feelings for you

Would probably pull out something kinda cheesy to impress you, like playing your favorite song on the piano (or teaching you how to play,       o o f)

I can see him taking you on walks around the city afterwards, someplace quiet with a nice scenery that would provide a nice backdrop for his confession

Tells you he’s gonna go pick up a call real quick, then kinda disappears

You get lowkey angry like wtf Johnny w h a t are you doing, but then he sends you text messages to a sort of scavenger hunt

Was actually planning on just telling you verbally what you mean to him and how he feels for you but then realized he’s not really good at doing that face to face so this is his fun alternative

Anyways, he gives you hints and directions through text message and at each ‘landmark’ he directs you to, you find small notes where he wrote down what exactly he likes about you and moments he realized he’s in love with you

Basically the boi wrote you a love letter but scattered around at least 7 different spots while he’s hiding who knows where

By the time you get to the final spot you see him standing in front of you with a large bouquet in his hands (for you) and this silly grin on his face

Lowkey almost moved you to tears as he told you he likes you

You spend the night looking at the stars and walking hand in hand as you two talk about anything and everything at the same time

Taeyong

Y’know those smooth pick-up lines he pulls out of his sleeves? Yeah, prepare for those cause they are definitely coming your way

Would probably go for a sweet and sentimental confession

Lowkey tries to hint at his feelings for you by recommending love songs every now and then

One day he randomly shows up at your doorstep with your favorite flowers in one hand and a gift in the other (and also some snacks and sweets cause why the heck not)

I can see him gifting you something very meaningful, like a photo album with pictures of you two and places you went together or an entire playlist of songs that made him think of you

You thought it’d just be a normal hangout with your best friend

But then he tries to coyly recommend a song to you and asks you to listen to it and tell him what you think of it

5 seconds in you realize it’s actually him singing a self-made confession song for you

He gets embarrassed halfway through you listening to the song cause you keep staring at him with this touched expression on your face

But when the song’s over you’re just kind of left speechless until you tell him “me too.. I like you too” and it’s like his heart stopped skipping a beat and he was sent straight to heaven on earth

All in all just a really sweet and thoughtful confession asdfghjkl;

Yuta

Ever since Yuta realized how he felt toward you, he’s been trying his best to not impulsively blurt out that he likes you, especially because he’s not sure if it’s mutual

Occasionally can’t help but murmur “you’re so cute” under his breath when he’s spending time with you though

You know he tends to be quite playful and flirtatious around you, so whenever he tries to make advances you just play it off as him joking around (half the time he’s actually seriously stopping himself from stealing a kiss ngl)

One day he decides to ask you out on a date over the phone and you agree thinking it’s just him being goofy again cause what else could it be??

Yuta takes you on a hiking date, aiming to take you to this nice and scenic viewpoint and confess there

But things take a different turn when halfway through the hike you realize that he was actually being serious about this date and he realizes you thought he was playing around

Then he kind of goes off on this impulsive rant like ‘Damn it Y/N I’ve been flirting with you for an entire year why do you keep thinking I’m not being serious about this’ and yeah he kind of floops out that he’s been crushing on you ever since y’all met

So things didn’t really go as planned but you had a serious conversation about it and by the time you reached the viewpoint you were already holding hands and smiling fondly at each other :’)

Doyoung

Has been torn for weeks about how to confess to you and it’s showing

He wants to plan something that would make sure you knew how much he cared about you, so he scoured every possible source he could find, including the internet, all his good friends he could confide into, and even asked his parents who confessed to the other and how..

Anyways, when Doyoung meets up with you he still hasn’t made his mind about how to confess

And technically he wasn’t planning on doing so either, until he saw how battered up you looked from an ugly fall off the stairs last week and how you tried to hide that wearing a big hoodie and sunglasses

During winter

You thought he didn’t notice though until he kind of had enough of your act and just pulled off the hoodie from your head and took off your glasses to reveal this bigass purple bruise on your face, still evident beneath your make-up

Doyoung couldn’t help seeing you so vulnerable and inattentive toward your own wellbeing and so gave you an entire lecture nagging at you to be more careful

Over the next few days he comes by unannounced to check the safety of basically your entire home to make sure you wouldn’t trip again and also takes care of your bruise and minor grazes on your arms and knees

And it just so happened that he accidentally murmured “How did I fall in love with such a clumsy human being” just when he thought you didn’t hear it

You replied with “How did I fall in love with such a nagging mom-figure” and well, the rest is history :’)

Jaehyun 

Actually, you kind of knew for a while now that he probably had a crush on you because of that one time he accidentally sent a text to you that said “I don’t know what to do, should I confess to Y/N?”

You read the message before he quickly deleted it and since then both of you pretended that never happened

Anyways, I can see Jaehyun taking you out for a nice dinner at this new and trendy restaurant (complete with lit candles and fancy music and all)

He’d try his best to appear calm and composed, and he would’ve succeeded had his hands not been trembling when he poured more wine in both your glasses

Probably has this whole speech ready in his back pocket just in case he forgot what he wanted to say

But before he can start on that you casually say “So is this how you’re planning on confessing to me?” and Jaehyun automatically answers yes before he’s processed that you in fact knew all along how he felt for you

You let him finish his confession speech though cause he worked so hard on it, and you obviously accept to be his girlfriend

He even prepared a little surprise for you together with the staff, it was a cute cake with both your names in the shape of a heart

The date ends with you two talking and having fun conversations at the restaurant until it closed (and you had to be kicked out)

Jungwoo

I see so many ways in which Jungwoo would confess, simply cause he can be so shy and reserved but also really sassy and goofy at the same time

Anyways, I think he’d go for something a little more subtle than his hyungs would, kinda secret admirer style?

The first time you realized you had a secret admirer was when you found a note in your bag containing a compliment directed toward you and a cute drawing next to it

You thought it was really sweet and so Jungwoo continued sending you love notes and putting it in random but somewhat inconspicuous spots, like your locker, your books, etc.

This went on for a couple of months until one day Jungwoo decied it was time to make it known that he was the secret admirer, so he started announcing in a note that he was someone you knew well

That’s when you started finding notes at the most random of places: inside your phonecase, heck even the inside of your shoe

You had absolutely no clue who this person was and were growing kind of agitated at the fact that you couldn’t send him notes back, until Jungwoo slipped up once and complimented you in the exact same way as your secret admirer did

On the day he planned to confess, you were just casually studying together (or more like, you were trying to study and he was just staring at you boredly)

Jungwoo waited patiently until you finished, then told you you had something stuck in your hair

And as you reached for it, you found it to be a folded piece of paper stating “I like you”, with Jungwoo smiling knowingly at you

Mark

Would be a panicking mess, let’s be real

Asks all the hyungs for advice on what to do

Mark would take you to someplace special for the both of you, like the place you first met or where he first realized he has feelings for you

He wouldn’t hold a big speech or make it into a big event, he’d want to keep it simple and to the point so as not to burden you too much

I see him just wanting to make it a fun day when you two meet up, confession or not

Like a walk along the river or at a park, some icecream, maybe even biking or (roller)skating around and picknicking

Tries to find the right timing to break the news to you, fails miserably at doing so most of the time

You knew he had something to say though cause he avoided making direct eye contact with you throughout the entire day

But when he’s ready, he musters up all his courage, coughs a little as a way of making clear that he has something to say, and then just goes for it

Panics halfway through the confession, like he just turns into this shy blushy mess, especially when he stutters or messes up his words

Kinda rambles his way through it but looks you directly in the eye when he says that he likes you

Would add something like “I hope this doesn’t affect our friendship” after confessing cause that’s legit been the nr. 1 reason why he was hesitating confessing to you

Overall would be really nervous about it, but also very sweet and sincere!

Haechan

9/10 would go for an over the top public confession, just cause he can

You two met up at this arcade, your usual hangout spot to relieve yourselves from stress and play fun games together

You originally thought it would be just a normal day meeting up with your longtime friend, but turns out you were completely wrong 

Cause the minute you stepped into the venue, you were met with all kinds of festive decorations, balloons, and familiar faces shouting “SURPRISE!!!” at the top of their lungs

Turns out Haechan planned a surprise party for you complete with hilarious banners with him making heart signs

When you turned around to look at Haechan, he was kneeling on the floor holding a big bouquet of your favorite flowers and this giant teddy bear 

As he looked up to you, he asked you to be his girlfriend, to which you said yes and were met with a rainfall of confetti and cheering

You spent the day playing fun games with your boyfriend and friends

(And to Haechan’s discontent and envy, you kinda beat him at almost every arcade game there was to play)

[back-and-totheleft]

"Hollywood rabble rouser"

Late one night in the summer of 2008, I found what turned out to be a stockbroker’s iPhone in the back of a NYC taxi. Turning it on in order to contact the owner, I noticed that amongst the stock watch apps and currency converters was an icon of Gordon Gekko, the corrupt market raider immortalized by Michael Douglas in Wall Street, Oliver Stone’s 1987 tale of insider trading and corporate excess. Intrigued, I hit Gekko’s pixilated face (it felt good) and a website flashed up with an entire transcription of his infamous “Greed is good” speech — one of Hollywood’s most iconic parables to the pursuit of unrestrained greed. Whoever owned the phone found those words as important as checking Facebook or texting his girlfriend. Gekko was his hero, his daily inspiration.

Watching back Wall Street a few weeks later as news of the Lehman Brothers collapse and global recession spread, it struck me that a whole generation of financiers must have grown up, like Charlie Sheen’s character Bud Fox, yearning to be Gekko. He was the business equivalent of a rapper wanting to become Tony Montana, another Stone creation. And some of these brokers, as we’ve all since discovered, were willing to trade money that didn’t exist in pursuit of pin stripe suits, corner offices, penthouses, boats, women, and stacks of cash. Perhaps the perks made the 22-year prison stretch Gekko received at the end of the film seem like a viable risk. Or they deliberately chose to ignore his downfall.

Inspired by financial fiends like Bernie Madoff, Stone decided to spring Gekko out of prison for Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps. Set in 2008, he is a reformed character that tries, and fails, to warn business leaders of the impending credit crunch. Many fans are understandably nervous about Douglas reprising his Oscar winning role, especially since his hair gel and brick phone have long been put into storage. Stone, who only agreed to direct the film because he felt that current financial climate lent itself to a sequel, understandably feels that it’s time for bankers to grow up. As the director of Natural Born Killers, JFK and Platoon he’s used to Marmite reactions. But, after giving Dubya an easy ride in W, will Gordon 2.0 be one step too far? Is the world ready for goody Gekko two shoes? Or will traders across Wall Street be deleting their “Greed is good” iPhone bookmarks forever? As they say on the stock market floor, let the bull charge.

Tim Noakes: When you were 18 your father got you to work on a financial exchange in France. Was that your inspiration for Wall Street?

Oliver Stone: No, it was a great summer job actually, because it was very exotic. My father was always into the stock market, into numbers. He loved that world in New York and I grew up on the fringes of it but I wasn’t particularly attuned to it. So it was a chance to see it first hand but I didn’t do very well as a trader. In those days you’d run from the phone booth in the back to the floor. It was cocoa and sugar. It was violent and busy. They used to elbow each other to get into the inner circle, like matadors. It was a real crush. I elbowed my way through it and got up to be assistant buyer, which was very complicated because you had to make the orders for everything right. You couldn’t screw up. A lot of money’s involved. So then I thought I should be one of the cocoa buyers. I was a little too ambitious for my own good.

Your father died before you made Wall Street. What do you think he would have made of it?

I think he would have appreciated that I had done a business movie. We always talked about it. He loved movies and he took me to them. We discussed them afterwards, which was an invaluable experience, and he would say that there weren’t many business movies. And there weren’t. There was not a specific genre. Hollywood was not into the business movie concept. It’s hard. I can understand why. It’s all financial talk, it’s not interesting to most people and it lacks those human emotions. Money is an interesting subject, however, for America. That’s why I addressed it in 1987. I thought, ‘Americans love money’, and what lengths they will go to get it is what that movie is about. Especially coming off Platoon, which is a different kind of movie. I was trying to prove that I could do something domestic with ‘Wall Street’.

The original was very much of its era.

It was the era of “Greed is good” and Reagan. With Wall Street 2, I’m obviously more mature, I’ve done more films, I have more confidence, I hope. I’m trying something a little bit deeper in the relationship field. There’s no Darryl Hannah in the movie. There’s a real English girl this time (Carey Mulligan). She anchors strongly the emotions of the film, because she is damaged. She’s the daughter of Gordon Gekko, if you can imagine what that can be like.

Michael Douglas once said that your style of directing is like taking people into the trenches. What did he mean by that?

He makes it sound like I dress him up in uniform and have a military hierarchy. Every single actor that I’ve worked with, and there’s obviously dozens now, you’d have to talk to every single one of them to get their perception. I would say some would disagree. Maybe Michael, because he hasn’t been in the military, would regard it as a military experience. I didn’t think of it that way. I think of a movie as an organisation that has to work at a very fluid pace involving a large amount of people who have to move quickly over a landscape. Call that what you will. It could be an adventure party or a military organisation. It’s really a satellite business. You form, you group, you rehearse, you shoot, you separate. It’s very nomadic. In that chemistry you bring together so many conflicting types of people who have different kinds of egos. It’s quite a mix. At the end of the day, if you look back at the — what is it? 19, 20 films — that I’ve directed, it’s just a mix of styles. Sometimes it really works with people. It clicks. I think Michael did great work on both films, so I’m very pleased with his result. My style might not have been good for him, but it works for other people. Some people, like Shia LaBeouf and Josh Brolin, were digging it. They loved the way I worked because it was intense and to the point and relatively fast.

Do you see yourself as a hard taskmaster or a disciplinarian?

No, I’m not a disciplinarian. I’m disciplined with myself and I think I try to lead by example not by imposition of my will. I try to lead by example. That’s just to say that people know that I’m trying to get this thing done. My approach is that we’re all in this together. The idea is king. We all serve that king. It is not a democracy, it is a constitutional monarchy, so to speak, with strong legislative power in the House of Lords. No, but the idea is king. I repeat that. Not the director. The idea. I serve the idea.

How do you balance the logistics with trying to create a piece of art?

Oh boy, if I didn’t tell you I wasn’t humbled so many times, you would not believe it. It’s a very humbling experience to make a movie, because you’re at the mercy of the elements. Of the winds and the weather as well as conditions that can go wrong — disease, sickness, bad tempers. All sorts of stuff can happen. Given that nature, to pull off a movie is extremely difficult. The editing room is another humiliation. All your mistakes are thrown back in your face. No matter how many good choices you make, and making a movie involves thousands of choices, you’re constantly having to question yourself again. I find it a very difficult position. I don’t think I enjoy it. I think I’m more experienced at it but I don’t think I completely enjoy it. I think sometimes it’s so painful you want to scream bloody murder and run somewhere.

What’s the cut-off point? How do you stop?

How do you stop? A famous director once said that every film is abandoned, never finished.

So you just let it go?

Some people won’t but I do let it go. I’m not looking for perfection. I don’t believe in it. I believe that a film is many things to many people and it changes over time. I think you have to feel good about it and about what you did. It hangs together and it’s going to be a story that can move an audience. It’s so difficult to pull off quickly. It takes time.

The world’s moved on since Wall Street. Were you apprehensive about creating a sequel to such a well-loved film?

Apprehensions? No. I’d have had more apprehensions if I’d had to do it in 1990, I think. Twenty-three years is a long time to call it a sequel. I think of it more as a bookend.

Don’t you think that’s laying you open for even more criticism? Look at what George Lucas did with Star Wars..

We’re not going back into that period. The beauty of this thing is that there’s a new period upon us, which is quite different, technically. It’s a different kind of Wall Street. The landscape has changed. It’s no longer 1987. It’s really a computer game now. The money has accelerated at a square root that is beyond belief from millions to billions. Hedge funds invest 30–40 billion dollars. Even to have one billion dollars is an enormous amount of money. When you hear these guys say, “Oh, it’s just a billion dollar hedge fund” it’s unbelievable arrogance. The heights are dizzying, and the losses are dizzying. It’s just unbelievable what happened. By all accounts it was a near-fatal heart-attack.

Were you planning on revisiting Wall Street is the crisis hadn’t happened?

No, that was the catalyst for it. It wasn’t the only reason. It was a wonderful idea for a script, that Gekko would be a different type of person. That he would start from the outside. He didn’t have power or connections anymore. Time had passed. He was dated.

Is Michael Douglas in danger of becoming a pastiche of what made Gordon Gekko good?

I feared that. That’s why we approached it in a wholly different way. Michael is playing it twenty-two years older, he’s coming out of prison. Michael has changed in that interim. He was a charming rogue, certainly, in the Eighties. You saw a lot of that in his subsequent performances. You saw a lot of Gekko in later films, so I think it was smart to move away from that pastiche, as you call it, because it would have been boring after a while. There are flashes of the old Gekko, which I love, but it’s not like the charming reptile, so to speak. It’s a different man now. I’m not saying that he’s a wholly reformed figure looking for a martyrhood, but what’s interesting about him is what he’s going to do, and how he’s going to play the game to get back. He has suffered extensively in prison, his family has fallen apart, his oldest son has committed suicide. It’s very tough on him.

How did you persuade Michael to get back on board?

Frankly, I didn’t convince anybody. I passed on the script in 2006. It wasn’t important for me to make it. I felt, what was the need to make this movie if it was going to glorify the pigs on Wall Street? They were really making money and it was ugly. There was a spate of books too like The Wolf of Wall Street, which was a big hit and they are going to make a movie out of that. There was kind of a surfeit and there was sickliness to it all. I got turned off by it. I passed, and I moved on with my life, and I did W and World Trade Centre and stuff like that. Then there was this crash and the crash changed the equation I think, I hope.

Do you think the original message of Wall Street failed because young traders ended up idolising Gordon Gekko?

That’s a very good question. Frankly, I wondered at times. The original Wall Street came about because of my experiences on Scarface. I was living in New York and I was hanging out with the dealers and the mob. That whole scene in Miami was a very shocking thing in 1982–3. Wall Street, was like Scarface north. I was suddenly seeing people my age, in their twenties, making millions of dollars, so easily, so quickly. Moving inordinate amounts of money. Also, snorting and drinking. The partying scene had really kicked in big time in the 80s. It was all new to me, so that’s how that was born. Then it went to excess. But I was very clear that Gekko was the antagonist in the movie, but as you say a lot of young people caught on to him. I do think, and perhaps I’m retrograde, that although he was not feted at the time the anchor of the movie is Charlie Sheen.

But no-one wanted to be Bud Fox.

Well that’s the movies. They want to be heroes. They want to make money. I did meet a lot of people in their 40s that said, “When I saw your movie I was studying this-or-that at this-or-that school, I was going to do history or medicine or law but then I saw the movie and I moved to Wall Street for that reason.” The the kicker was that some of them were multi-millionaires, one of them was a billionaire, and they had moved to Wall Street because of the movie. I said, “Oh boy, I wish I had a royalty on that.” These guys are really rich.

I find that quite worrying.

I gave birth to some rich people. But some of them did good. Some of them created something. That was the whole point of the original. Not to shit on Wall Street but to basically say, ‘Look, this is an engine of capitalism’. This can work. My father always felt that Wall Street was a good thing. It creates companies, it finances new companies, creates research and development, and it does. It still does, by the way, it’s not forgotten but it’s been buried in the greater picture of making bigger profits and more greed, but it’s still there. Wall Street is a good thing. It was a good thing and it can be a good thing.

Throughout your career critics have said you shouldn’t glamourise the people you put on the big screen. Do you like to provoke that reaction?

No, I like to make bigger-than-life characters but ‘World Trade Centre’ is about two very ordinary men who were real heroes. On Bush I guess you could say I supped with the devil and brought out all the reasons I thought why people voted for the guy. There is this fundamental thing which Americans like in him, and I was trying to root that out and how he became President.

You were criticised for making Bush too likeable.

You can fault that, but he was re-elected. I didn’t like him. I was very clear — I empathised. Empathy means I walked in his shoes, or tried to. As opposed to sympathised. I don’t agree with anything he said. Anything. I think he was a disaster. It was a nightmare eight years.

Do you think you were too soft?

No. I wish I’d done it a year earlier and it would have been more timely. He was out of favour when it came out, because of the economy, but frankly the movie was about the national security state which concerned me more.

Why are you drawn to these anti-heroes?

They don’t do me any good. Nixon, too.

I see a lot of similarities between Tony Montana and Gordon Gekko. In Scarface, Tony says “You need people like me to point the finger at and say, ‘That’s the bad guy’”. Do you think film critics see you in that light?

I think you’re right. I think film critics have me as a punch ball. It’s an easy target, I guess. I’ve been misidentified with the characters, but I think over time you see that there’s a whole assortment of different characters. But I agree, I think that’s true and I think that’s hurt me. It’s hurt my career as well as some of the political statements I’ve made and positions I’ve taken in documentaries I’ve made. They’ve hurt me too and they’ve given me a profile that’s not necessarily me, it’s just a profile. Absolutely.

There’s been huge furor recently that you’re reported to be attempting to humanise Hitler, Stalin and Mao Zedong.

I think it’s out of context. I did use the word ‘scapegoat’ and I think that was an unfortunate word, but frankly it’s a very interesting history that we’re putting together. We’re using the facts that we have, that are known but have been forgotten. There’s no question that Hitler had a big hand up the ladder. He didn’t come out of nowhere. He is a Frankenstein, he is a monster and I have no sympathy for him, but he was created by a Dr Frankenstein. That Dr Frankenstein is a very interesting mixture and you have to study cause and effect to understand history, otherwise you don’t learn anything from it. It’s my fault because I’m interested in the world, and I’m willing to go out there. I’m not trying to provoke, I’m trying to look for the truth. I’m trying to shine a light. For Christ’s sake, I feel like we’ve become so politically correct that you can’t do shit anymore. You’re not supposed to turn around.

Do you feel like you sometimes exploit sensitive subjects too much? More than some people can take?

Well, that’s why I like the English. They’re much more out there and they’re willing to explore subjects that the Americans are not. Having been to war, having seen the devastation America visited onto Vietnam, I cannot just be another typical American and live in isolation. My taxes are going as we speak to blowing up people in Afghanistan. I don’t feel good about that.

Back to Wall Street. Gekko says “Every dream has its price”, what’s the biggest price you’ve paid to get to where you are?

I’d have to talk to my psychotherapist, who I haven’t seen in ages. I suppose the price is that you do have long absences from home and normal quotidian values, at times. Your children grow up and you have to readapt to the fact that you haven’t been the attentive father. That’s a big issue, but I have been as attentive as I can be in taking care of them. Still, there’s gaps there. Divorces have happened. Those things.

I see Wall Street as epitomising the ruthlessness of the Eighties. During that era did you find yourself being a slave to the success that you had earned?

Yeah, I suppose everybody can become a mental slave to the need to produce. Remember, I was on a roll in the sense that I had to get financing for very complicated movies. I felt like I had a mission. To get JFK made in that era was very tough, still. You need heat. To make that movie after The Doors you need to keep rolling. In a sense I worked very fast, and hard, but I knew that I could get things done. Nixon was sort of the end of the line. I was making movies all those years. Platoon was impossible to get made. So was Salvador. Every single fucking one. ‘The Doors’. They were always problems. There were always tremendous issues. You asked what the price is? The price was to keep going fast, before they change their mind. The idea was ‘Wrap it up, get another one done’. These are tough subject matters. With ‘Nixon’ I’d done eleven or ten, I was exhausted. Frankly, I needed to take a break.

What kept you moving on? Obviously the pressures that you’re talking about manifested in different ways. You had your drug problems earlier on, but how did it manifest when the financing started to crumble down? Did you resort to those kind of vices?

I think there’s other factors. There was a lot of living. A lot of pain. Children. Divorces. This and that. But I think I have been very successful. I got movies made that wouldn’t have been done in the normal radar. They were not on the scope.

In Wall Street 2 Shia LeBeouf says, “No matter how much money you make, you’ll never be rich”. With all your success, do you empathise with that sentiment?

Of course I do. I don’t think money is the solution to happiness. Life is complicated, but certainly money can have the opposite effect. It can make you unsatisfied with life, and make life harder for you. There are two effects of it. One is that it leaves you unsatisfied, you always want more, as we see from these billionaires. Two, it leaves you falsely content and over-satisfied.

And you’re not either?

I don’t feel that way, no. I feel like I’m one trade away from disaster.

The new film is called Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps. What gets you off to sleep?

What gets me off to sleep? Sonata. Medication. I’m just joking. The best solution for sleep is having lived a full day and tried hard to live life fully. That makes you feel the reward of sleep.

-Tim Noakes, "The Hollywood rabble rouser sets his sights on a new generation of Wall Street wolves," Medium, Mar 3 2010 [x]

[babbushka]

Saying this from a place of compassion and love... if a post criticising you has over 70 notes, the author and people who reblog it are being approached by others agreeing with them, if even anons not within the fandom but who are aware from the situation agree with them (like me)... have you considered they may be right? Please listen. Please do self-introspection. If there’s such a loud message out there it’s because of a reason. Lots of love

I hear you, and I understand where you’re coming from completely, and I’m going to say this as clearly and neatly as I possibly can, because it’s been made very clear that people on the internet like to whip things up and let it spiral out of control. 

I reblogged the post that @wayward-rose made with the tags of “i still stand by everything that I said” without much more explanation than that, which people didn’t seem to really appreciate, and I recognize that that was wrong. 

This response is going to serve as that explanation. This is most likely going to be long, so I’ll be putting it under a cut, but I hope that people will read my side of things before casting judgement against me. I understand people are going to still cast judgement, and that’s fine, but I would like the chance to just say my side. 

The screenshots that were chosen to be put in that callout post about me, of posts and conversations that I’ve had back and forth with people, or posts that I’ve made/ask responses I’ve given, were confusing, because there is much more context surrounding pretty much all of these situations, as well as things that went on behind the scenes. I’d like, if I may, to explain what those screenshots are referring to, from my perspective. For ease of clarity, I’ll just go in the order of which the original post has been done. 

The Oscars where JP won for best actor were filled with many beautifully heartfelt speeches about giving support to Australia during the wildfire crisis. Cate Blanchett, Patricia Arquette, Jennifer Aniston on behalf of Russel Crow, Pierce Brosnan -- they all made speeches. And yet, the only thing I was seeing on my dashboard were gifs of JP, a known sexual predator and overall very bad guy, being celebrated for at the very last minute, likely after having seen everyone else include a heartfelt statement in their speech, tacking on a ‘oh save Australia’ at the end of his own speech. 

I made a post expressing how I was disappointed with the amount of coverage JP was getting in comparison to how little everyone else who had spoken up. @callmehopeless reblogged the post and began to say that regardless of what JP has done, his message is somehow more important than everyone else’s message that was said, because he won best actor. You all saw the conversation that took place afterwards, with me reiterating my point of ‘yes he spoke out about it but he’s not the only one and he shouldn’t the only one lauded for it.’ and her insinuating that I wanted everyone in Australia to die by fire. Not that it matters for anything, but I would like to mention that while all this was going on, I was frequently sharing support links, donation sites, and news coverage on how to help the wildfires in Australia, as we all were. I didn’t include it on the post, because that’s not what the post was really about, but I disagree with the insinuation that I wasn’t spreading information too. 

I still stand by my point that he should not have received the most praise for doing the bare minimum in a time of crisis. I saw that the conversation wasn’t going anywhere, so I ended it. I never accused anyone of being a rape apologist, I only expressed my frustration that the known allegations about him were being ignored. There is a difference. 

The second point regarding the blush, I will admit wasn’t handled well on my part. I fully recognize that now, and looking back, I can understand how my frustration with @wayward-rose looks hostile. It was never intended to be hostile, I was just genuinely confused with her reblogging one of my fics as having a “white reader” because of the inclusion of blush. I was extremely hesitant to approach TWR about this tagging of the fic, because the only interactions I had had previously with her, were when she reblogged one of my posts with writing of her own, surrounding a topic that I was uncomfortable with, and then proceeded to lecture me on what triggers are and are not as if I were an incompetent fool, which, for all intents and purposes, she might’ve thought that I was. Conversations with TWR very quickly turn to technicalities, which is why I tried to be as cut and dry about it as I was. 

With this frame of reference from her point of view regarding the whole “I have friends of color so I can do whatever I want,” I would like to say that I never had that intention, and seeing it presented that way does make me feel awful, and I’m sorry for it. I don’t want people to think that I’m in any way tokenizing anyone, because if you know me, you know that that’s something I am constantly expressing feelings against. I was trying to explain that I didn’t make up this idea that only white people blush, but I admit fully that it was a poor explanation and a poor argument to have been made. I try very hard to make my readers as vague in terms of skin color as possible, and I thought that because I didn’t mention the color of the blush (like denoting it as a pink or rosy blush for example) that I would be inclusive. I was wrong, and I admit that. 

In regards to the writing of Flip Zimmerman with catholic iconography even though he’s a canonically Jewish character, particularly by a non-Jewish author, I still stand by my point. Characters who have no stated religion can and should be interpreted as everyone sees fit, because representation matters for marginalized communities. But when a Jewish character’s identity is replaced or erased with another, well, that’s just a small piece of a long line of casual antisemitism that I wanted to bring up to her. I never wanted or told her to delete her story, I never sent anyone to go fill her inbox, I never told her to edit it. After the blush discussion, I tried to simply end the argument by voicing my concerns and saying I thought it was in poor taste to have done what she did, because of the history around such topics -- and I still stand by that. 

The posts regarding the Very Popular Fic I take full responsibility for, I don’t deny that I make them, nor do I deny any of the sentiments in them. I expressed my annoyance at constantly being asked if I’ve read that fic, if I liked that fic, what I thought of that fic weekly for months and months after it blew up on tik tok, despite having expressed my dislike for it in the past. You can only get asked something so many times before it grates on your nerves. 

I still stand by my point that seeing content which you find upsetting being the type of content that gets “””famous”” is frustrating. I didn’t imply that I’m only writing for the notes. I referred to the fic as a ‘joke’ because in the tags of that fic on AO3, the author compares it to a shitpost. Similarly to the Other Fic with the handmaid’s tale AU, the author themselves put in the tags of the fic on AO3 that they knew this was in poor taste. 

I’d like to make it clear that I don’t dislike fics because they’re popular. I dislike fics because sometimes there’s content that I find disturbing or damaging, or in poor taste with regards to source material. I don’t go out of my way to read that content, because I don’t like it. So when hundreds of people are asking my opinions about it, and I express those opinions, then people like to jump down my throat and say I’m a bully...you can imagine why I get so snappish when the topic comes up. The comment about the brain cells thing was understandably harsh. I apologize for that comparison, it’s just a phrase I say frequently, I honestly didn’t think anything of it at the time, and I’ll do better in the future to not make such harsh comparisons. 

I also stand by my point that I don’t like the fic, I don’t advocate for the fic, and it really shouldn’t matter what I think because the author will do what the author does, and that’s fine. I don’t have to like it, and you guys don’t have to like the fact that I dislike it. 

When someone sends in a message anonymously, I have no idea who they are, and most of the time, unless they leave an emoji or something, I’ve got no idea what context they’re asking me about, particularly when it comes to blocking. I had absolutely no way of knowing that the anon who messaged me asking why I blocked them, was someone I had blocked for reblogging gifs of mine. However, the idea that it’s a bad thing that I blocked someone for reblogging my gifs with comments I didn’t really appreciate (I wouldn’t have blocked them for the comments shown in the fic, usually it’s stuff about how they want to get pregnant by flip, or once there was someone who commented that they wanted flip to destroy their pussy -- that’s the comments that tend to get blocked. 

But either way, blocking people from accessing your content is not a bad thing, and I stand by my point that blocking does not always mean I have anything personally against them, but rather I’d rather just not interact with their posts/have them interact with mine. It’s really not that deep. 

I don’t really know how many times I have to say that of course I don’t own a character or anything, but I do say it, constantly. Particularly regarding personal AUs, which, I really don’t find as deep as people seem to think I do. However, the content that I make, I do believe I have some right to voice my opinion on what the internet does with it. I think that if someone comments something on one of my fics, or my posts, or my gifs, and I don’t like it, I should be allowed to block them -- just as anyone else should be allowed to with their own content. 

The comment about Ben Solo still stands, I won’t be expanding on that. 

The last point that I would like to explain myself about, was made in Hope’s reblog of the post, is the whole “I bullied someone for leaving fandom” incident. I can only assume that she means an author who I had been informed was plagiarizing my work from the fic Blue Moon. I had never had this happen to me before, but I’d been told my many other people that this author has a history of taking other people’s content and uploading it as their own, including someone that I was at one point good friends with. I believed them, and I reached out to this author expressing my concerns, only expressing to please not do this in the future, or at the very least, mention that this was related to my story. This author deleted her account, and that was the last I heard about it. 

I’m honestly shocked and confused by how many people have come forward and said that they find my responses to anonymous questions mean-spirited or toxic. I try very hard to maintain a general rule of, if you’re kind to me, I’ll be kind back. In many instances, anonymous questions come across as rude, disrespectful, flat out mean, or frustrating, and so I reply back with a less-than-nice manner. 

The last thing I’d like to say on this whole matter is this: I want to make it clear that I mean no personal malice towards any of the people that these screenshots surround. I vehemently disagree with the narrative that I send people after one another, I just don’t do that. What people do is of their own accord. I don’t ever want people to be sent hate, because firstly I don’t think that’s a good thing to do, but secondly, I get sent hate all the time, and I know how it feels. I don’t want that for anyone. I know that the collection of these screenshots may make it seem otherwise, but I really do try to stay in my lane, and I only speak up on things that I’m passionate about -- whether it’s passionately positive or negative. 

I would like to apologize for the way that I’ve responded to criticism in the past, it’s just frustrating when people are criticizing you from a perspective that doesn’t take into consideration that there might be more to the story. All I can do is move forward and try to check myself, and I hope that with these explanations, people out there will realize that when I act out of frustration or aggressively, it’s because I feel as though I’m not being heard. 

I know that whatever opinion you form of me is yours and will be yours, but if you’ve read this entire thing then thank you, I appreciate you hearing me out. Hope you’re all doing well, and as always, I truly am sending you guys all my love. 

[vgckwb]

ML: Isolation Chapter 20: Real Emotions

Adrien spent the next three days splitting time between his friends, his extracurriculars, and taking on a few more Noir Notes requests. While a lot of them were simple and easy to just talk through, some of them were challenging. However, they weren’t so challenging for Adrien who was pretty physically adept to handle some strenuous activity.

However, on Wednesday after fencing, Adrien took a look and saw a rather odd request on Noir Notes. “What’s this?”

“Hi there, Mr. Cat Noir. Before you read this message, I must assure you that I am perfectly safe. Now, I would like your assistance. You see, my friend is preventing me from seeing his other friends again, or even from leaving the house. I miss his friends. He says I can’t visit them anymore because ‘they aren’t ready’, but I have evidence that suggests otherwise. Please come to the following latitude and longitude to help: …”

Adrin looked this over. No matter how many times he read it, he was still confused. So he figured the easiest way to solve this would be by doing as the message said. He changed into his disguise and went off, using his phone to get the precise coordinates.

Adrien looked around once he got there, but nothing stood out to him. On a whim, he checked Noir Notes again. He saw a new message. “Ah, you’re here. Perfect. Now, from where you are currently, turn to your left.” Adrien did and continued reading. “Look in the windows. When you see a claw waving at you, go to that house.” Adrin looked. He found the aforementioned claw and headed over.

Adrien knocked on the door. He was completely flabbergasted to see his new friend and classmate Max answer the door. Max was equally surprised. “Cat Noir? What are you doing here?”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” Adrien said. Again, he felt like the best course of action was to be direct. “I got this odd message on Noir Notes.” He presented it to Max. “I just wanted to follow up on it, due to the confusing nature.”

Max looked at the message. “Oh, son of a bitch” he said. He sighed. “Fine. Come in, I guess.” He handed the phone back to Adrien, who was still thoroughly confused. They walked to Max’s room. “Markov! Why did you post something to Noir Notes? Now Cat Noir is here.”

Markov, a floating robotic orb, popped out from the woodwork. “Because I WANTED him to show up. I asked him for help, and he’s here!”

“Are you that starved for attention?” Max asked.

“Max, don’t get me wrong, you’re amazing, but…” Markov began.

Max sighed. “I’m sorry.” He said down.

“Uh, so…” Adrien said, interrupting. “You posted on Noir Notes?”

Markov turned to him. “Why yes. I am Markov” he said, waving the claw Adrien saw beforehand. “And this right here is my best friend, Max.” Max waved half-heartedly.

“Well, I guess that explains a few things,” Adrien said. He pulled up a chair and sat backwards in it.

“I just… I kind of wish you would have told me beforehand” Max said, rubbing his head.

“Why?” Markov asked. “You would have said ‘no’. Besides, I made my own account, and hid any trace of you.”

“Except that I live near the coordinates you posted.”

Markov processed a little bit. “Deleted.”

Max grinned but was still a bit upset. “Well, I guess that’s fine.”

“So, let’s just get everything on the table,” Adrien said. “Markov, you are a robot created by Max?”

“Well, technically, I’m an A.I.” Markov said. “I can inhabit any robotic form, so long as my chip is there.”

“I see,” Adrien said. “And you want to meet with Max’s friends again.”

“Correct!” Markov answered.

Adrien pondered for a second. “What happened the first time you met them?”

“Ah, how astute,” Markov said.

“Not really,” Max said. “You did say ‘again’.”

“Well, what had happened was,” Markov began to explain, ignoring Max, “one day there was a virus overtaking the school’s computers. Max offered to help, and I helped Max. With our combined efforts, we put an end to that pesky virus.”

“Wow,” Cat Noir said.

Markov turned grim. “Afterwards, Max introduced me to everyone. It was a nice little celebration. However, Ms. Mandeleiev thought of me as nothing but a toy, and said I needed to be put away.”

That tracks Adrien thought to himself.

“However, someone tried to argue that I wasn’t just a toy,” Markov continued. “They went to the principal’s office, where I was taken, and told the principal that I belonged. However, the principal wouldn’t listen.”

“Why not?” Adrien asked.

“Because” Max explained, exacerbated, “that person was only interested in making fun of me…”

Adrien was concerned. “Allow me to elaborate,” Markov said. “The person who wished to see me come back to class was a girl named Marinette.” Adrien was shocked, but not surprised. “Max tells me that she is a bully. Or at least became one after she grew jealous of another girl named Lila. Because she was the one who wanted to rescue me, Max is now more ashamed of me than ever,”

“I’m not… ashamed…” Max tried to protest.

“Hmmmm” Adrien said, thinking. “I think I have a solution.”

“You do?” Max and Markov said at the same time.

Adrien nodded. “Believe it or not, this is not the first time I’ve heard about this Marinette person. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but she no longer goes to school with you, correct?”

“Correct…” Max said, disheartened.

“Well then there should be no problem, right?” Adrien concluded. Max and Markov were confused. “If you were worried that Marinette would bully you, she's not there anymore. She can’t bully where she isn’t.”

“He does make an excellent point,” Markov pointed out.

Max continued to hold firm. He then let out a sigh of desperation. “Can I be honest?”

“I’d prefer it that way,” Adrien retorted.

Max rolled his eyes. He got serious once more. “...As much as Marinette bullied Lila, I don’t think she actually stole Lila’s necklace.”

“Huh” Adrien replied.

“And I think it’s only a matter of time before the school figures it out and reinstates her as a class member” Max said.

“I will say, I disagree with Max’s assessment a little bit,” Markov said.  “I think it seems odd that the person who would so valiantly try to save me would also have such a notorious mean-streak” Markov pondered.

“It’s just…” Max began. “I’m not sure what will happen if and when Marinette comes back and I have Markov. I don’t want her to pick up where she left off.”

“If she was leaving off there to begin with” Markov corrected.

Adrien had to think. He knew Marinette wouldn’t do such a thing, but he could also understand Max’s point of view. Max was unsure after failure last time. However, being unsure was a place Adrien was familiar with.

Adrien smiled. “I’m going to let you in on a secret,” Adrien said. “As Cat Noir, I have access to all kinds of information. That information led me to a possible lead on a missing item. On Friday, I’m going to pull out all the stops to find it. The thing is, I’m unsure if this plan will work, or even if I’ll find it.”

Max was curious. “Huh? But how can you go through with it?”

“Faith,” Adrien said. “I believe in my plan, and that I’ll find it. Come what may, you have to be bold enough to try. Otherwise you’ll end up going nowhere.”

Max had to let that sink in for a bit. Markov was puzzled. “So, what does that mean?”

“It means he wants me to bring you in regardless of Marinette,” Max said. He sighed.

“Do you not want to otherwise?” Adrien asked.

“Of course I want to!” Max yelled. “It’s just… Last time was a mess. I don’t know what will happen and I don’t like that.”

“Max…” Markov said.

Adrien tilted his head slightly. “Did you know what Markov was going to be like when you created him?”

Max looked at him. “Well, no…”

“And do you think that turned out alright?” Adrien continued.

Markov looked at Max, awaiting his response. Max smiled. “Well, in all honesty, he’s better than I could have imagined.” Markov lit up. “I have no regrets in his creation, or his continuing friendship.”

“Max!” Markov squeed.

“I think that’s your answer” Adrien said

Max smiled. “Thanks Cat Noir. I guess my head was clouded by everything else going on. Because of this talk, I remembered working away on Markov; Always worried about what was going to happen, but always saying to myself this is something I need to do.” Max turned to Markov. “Thank you too Markov.”

“Me?” Markov said, surprised.

Max nodded. “If you hadn’t contacted Cat Noir, I would probably still be in my own head about this. You saw that something was bothering me, and did what you could to help.” Max reached out his hand. “That’s what a true friend does.”

Markov was still confused, though shook his hand. “Well, truthfully, I just did it for my own reasons. I don’t think I should get credit here.”

“Well, I guess that’s part of what makes you human,” Adrien said. “While it’s true that acting in one’s own self-interest all the time is cause for concern, people indulge themselves all the time. So long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, it’s fine. And sometimes it could be helpful.”

Markov looked at him. “You sound like you’re speaking from experience.”

“What can I say? I’m only human” Adrien responded. I mean, I did don this getup as a way to start a conversation with my fashion idol, and now it’s turned into me helping people.

Max thought about something. “Maybe I can negotiate with the school about bringing you in.”

Markov looked at him. “And what will you do if the school says no?”

Max smiled. “Well, we can always meet outside of school.”

“Max,” Markov said.

“Well, it sounds like my work here is done” Adrien said.

Max nodded. “Thank you Cat Noir.” Adrien began to leave, but was caught slightly off-guard by what Max told Markov next. “Oh right. There’s a new student in my class. I’d love for you to meet him.”

“What’s his name?” Markov asked.

“Adrien. Adrien Agreste” Max answered.

“The fashion model?” Markov responded.

“The same,” Max confirmed.

“Wow” Markov awed.

Max continued. “And he’s actually a really cool guy. I know you’ll love him because everyone loves him.” Adrien blushed and quickly left before he could overhear more of that conversation.

Once he got home, he went to his computer and messaged Marinette. “So, apparently you have another admirer out there.”

“Well of course. A lot of people admire Ladybug.”

“I mean someone admires you as Marinette.”

“Really?” Marinette asked. “What kind of person would admire me at this point?”

“They aren’t a person, but they will tell you they aren’t a toy.”

“...Wait, Markov? Max’s little robot buddy? You met with him?”

“Yup. The little guy posted on Noir Notes, and he, Max, and I had a bit of a heart-to-heart.”

“What happened?”

“Well, Markov wanted to meet with Max’s friends again, but Max was hesitant. He was nervous people would make fun of him.”

“What made him think that?”

“...Well, it’s kind of a mixed bag. See, while Markov thinks of you as valiant for trying to save him from Principal Damocles, Max is worried that you only did that to make fun of him.”

“But I’m not there anymore. Why would that worry him?”

“See, there’s the silver lining. Max believes that you didn’t take Lila’s necklace. His concern comes from the idea that the school will learn that truth and reinstate you.”

“Huh… That is something I guess…”

“Yeah…”

“...”

“Hey, it's OK. We’re going to get through this.”

“...Yeah. You know, it’s crazy. I never used to believe that. I used to believe my place was in the shadows. But you showing up out of nowhere, and doing all this, and telling me things will be alright… It kind of brought back my faith in that…”

“That’s all I could ask for.” Adrien saw another message pop up. “Uh, I’m getting another message. You wanna hang on for a bit?”

“It’s fine. I have a message as well.”

“Great. Thank you.” Adrien switched over to the other message.

It was from Chloe. It was short, but very demanding. “Adrien. My house. After school. Tomorrow.”

“Huh” Adrien said to himself before responding “OK.”

Meanwhile, Marinette got a message from Kagami. “Hey, can I come over tomorrow and pick up my stuff? You do have it, right?”

Marinette giggled to herself. “Of course I have it. Ladybug is a designer of her word. Stop on by tomorrow.”

“Thanks,” Kagami answered.

“No problem.” Marinette switched back to talking with Adrien. “That was Kagami. She wanted to come pick her stuff up tomorrow.”

Chloe messaged me. She wanted to meet with me tomorrow as well.”

“I see. Do you think she’s nervous about Friday?”

“Maybe. I know I am. I’m going to have to talk to Lila for a whole evening.”

Mariette chuckled to herself. “Be serious.”

“Yeah… It’s a lot. But I think we can pull it off.”

“...Me too. Good night Adrien.”

“Good night Marinette.”

They both logged off. Adrien laid down on his bed. He did wonder what Chloe wanted to discuss. However, those thoughts drifted away, as him laying down brought him to him and Marinette lying on the grass staring at the sky together. He went back to that every night going to be since then, and it helped him fall asleep.

[dirtyfilthy]

The True Story Of Maxwell’s Silver Hammer: on the limits of transparency, or why you should stop feeding your quarters into the dopamine slot machine

Gather round children, and I will tell you a tale. This story is a hundred percent true. It occurred sometime in my late twenties, which would have been in 2008 or thereabouts. I had just taken the biggest acid trip of my life, eight tabs, but of fairly weak acid, I’m guessing around 400 micrograms total or close enough. Still, it gave me exactly the experience I was looking for. We went to the beach, and as a good friend of mine used to say: “got gay with nature”. Everything had been building to this point. First we took one tab. Some weeks later: we doubled down and took two.. After another month had passed, we gobbled up a four strip. Eight tabs only seemed logical at this stage. And man…

It was exactly how you imagine acid is going to be when you’re a kid. Everything was beautiful and melting  and there were colours I don’t even have the words for.  The trees were full of fractals, the ground was a river flowing beneath my feet. The sky was bright green. The sand dunes: a brilliant purple. It was like that cheesy chroma-keying effect they used to use to represent drugs in old movies from the 60’s. I even nearly went blind staring at the sunset like some hokey old LSD urban legend. Getting gay with nature?  This was a little more than merely getting high with one of your straight friends and perhaps sucking each others cocks and then never, ever mentioning it again, this was…  I wanted to settle down with nature and build a whole new life together, I wanted to get married, buy a house, maybe even adopt a couple of children. Don’t laugh, this isn’t fucking funny. We were in love!

Anyhow, acid, drugs, beautiful uplifting experience yada-yada. The thing is, on acid you tend to get these… ideas. Crazy, completely off-the-wall, gorgeously bent ideas. And I had just had a real doozy of an acid thought.  “Why lie? Why don’t I just be exactly who I am all the time? Why not be completely and utterly transparent with everyone?”. Now this is hardly some kind of grand cosmic revelation. I think that in most individuals this would have cumulated in a simple but genuine effort to be more honest with the people around them, or maybe simply faded with the trip, but in me…

So let me preface this with a couple of things about me that will make the following point make more sense: 1) I tend to take ideas and run with them, generally off a cliff 2) I am very good with computers. To the point where I am a professional hacker these days (as in I break into systems for a living), but back then I was only a hopeful amateur. 

So in me, the way this idea came out was I decided I was going to publish my entire browser history, online, in real time. Every site I visited would be available for the whole world to see, should they wish to, seconds after I had clicked the link. I won’t bore you with the technical details, they really  aren’t that complicated -- and neither are they honestly that interesting -- but suffice to say I built the thing. I named it on a whim after a Beatles song I happened to be listening to at the time: “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer”. And then it was done. Every link I visited was put in a database and displayed on a web page. It was in the form of a giant, constantly growing list, newest at the top. For general purposes of  convenience, I had colour coded everything. So all social media sites would be say, purple. Wikipedia would be blue. News was green etc. 

So one great and terrible thing about LSD is it has a way of teaching you things. This generally happens while you are tripping, or maybe afterwards when you re-integrate the experience. In this case, acid had decided Maxwell’s Silver Hammer was the to be the terrible form my teacher took. And boy howdy, it would certainly teach me some lessons 

So I told all my friends about it. And they told their friends. And then word began to spread. And so I embarked on this slightly weird experiment in radical personal transparency, bouncing down the road like a complete asshole with nary a care in the world, full of hope in the promise of the dream, but I was to very quickly to discover it’s limits… 

The first limit should have been the most obvious one. Porn. At the end of a hard days labour avoiding working, I liked nothing more than masturbating for a solid three or four hours over the choicest and rarest sweet-meats the internet had to offer, before eventually collapsing on my bed from sheer sexual exhaustion. The thing is… porn is a very personal thing. I mean: what really spins your wheels, what you get off to. At the time, I wasn’t ready to admit to my friends that I still really liked women ok but sometimes when the mood struck me I liked to watch some massively hung black dude plow a white guy around half his size while fantasying that it was really m… Anyhow, porn is a deeply personal thing and can show quite a lot about someone. Besides, what if my Mum was watching… or my female friends? Sweet jesus. 

Well, if I was going to be consistent, I could either “rock out with my cock out” as we used to say back in primary school, or I could stop watching porn altogether. And that was the first lesson. Perfect transparency means constantly worrying about how you look because everyone can see everything. It means censoring, not just what you say, but who you are. it wasn’t just about porn of course. Maybe I should browse some wikipedia so I can look a bit more intelligent? What would the chick I had a crush on think if she knew I kept on visiting these horrible gore sites day after day? And so on and so forth, forever.  

I had thought it would be liberating, to be free of all secrets. In fact, it was the exact opposite. I wasn’t living a radically transparent life, instead I was an actor, just playing at performing one. 

The second revelation came in the form of the colour coding. I could see myself reflected in a sea of purple. It was obvious I had become obsessed with social media, particularly facebook. Constantly refreshing my homepage, hoping for that next sweet lick of dopamine, another little like on my post, a little sliver of ice from the great icicle of validation that would only ever melt away in the heat of the morning sun. I used to be a meth addict, and it’s exactly the same, that is: it’s never enough. You’re a fiend for it. It had revealed something deeply narcissistic and petty about myself that I really did not like. Why was I doing this? What did it matter? Did I really have three hundred “friends”? Of course not. I had the usual amount of people I cared enough about in my life to see on a semi-regular basis, a few close, ten or so I saw fairly often, maybe thirty total counting colleagues and co-workers and assorted demi-friends and vague acquaintances. The whole thing was fucking ridiculous. 

The third lesson came only after both of these things had been grating at me for quite a while. After this synthesis, suddenly, I became enlightened. There was a lot more freedom to be had by not being famous or observed. Privacy wasn’t just a haven for the liars and the hypocrites. In fact, privacy enabled you to be most truly yourself. Sure, be honest where it matters, but you don’t need to put your every card down on the table all at once. Seems like a basic enough thing to realise, but I really had to get slapped upside the head pretty hard to see it. There is a power in being invisible.

So I took down the site. Deleted my facebook. Watched all the “black tops white“ gay porn my little bisexual heart desired and, ironically, stopped caring so much what other people thought about me. Don’t get me wrong, I still get that little rush of validation when someone I respect likes my shit, but you gotta pick the individuals who’s opinion you’re gonna care about. The vast majority of most people are either dumb as fuck or completely antithetical to my values. Which isn’t to say I exactly begrudge them, but I’d still much rather avoid getting myself in a public fist fight, metaphorical or otherwise, unless I really really need to. I think in most cases, power doesn’t need to be confronted, it can simply be routed around. You don’t go and deliberately blow your weed smoke right up a cop’s nose, instead, just go get high in the disabled toilets like everybody else. I mean: it’s what they’re there for!

I guess that is the real moral of the story.

[things2mustdo]

In a previous article I discussed the possibilities of increasing your safety online by using measures such as encryption, VPN and Tor. Nonetheless I did not cover all possibilities and most importantly it was a practical discussion rather than a theoretical one. This article will be a theoretical dissection of online anonymity tools and their weaknesses.

Why do people get caught despite using Tor? Can anyone be truly anonymous online ?

This article will be a summary of the work of Tom Ritter, presented at DEFCON 21, the annual hacker conference. His video presentation can be viewed here and the printed version of his article here.

While doing a great Job, Tom’s work is heavy on tech jargon and might confuse laymen. So I will summarize his work and explain the strengths and weaknesses of modern anonymity tools. His work was published in 2013, but remains relevant today as well.

In his work Tom talks about 4 anonymity technologies : SSL, Tor, Remailers and Shared Mailboxes. Let’s discuss them one by one.

SSL

SSL stands for Secure Socket Layer and is a common online security standard used by the likes of Facebook and other major websites. The way SSL works is that it creates an encrypted tunnel of communication between 2 parties so that third parties cannot read the messages they are sending to each other. Despite being secure on paper, it can be circumvented rather easily. To understand how, first we must talk about metadata.

Metadata

Metadata is data that describes other data. For example, library cards which hold the name of the book, its publishing date and its location in the library is a form of metadata. Metadata is also used in IT.

An example of metadata is the EXIF file in photos. When you take a photo with a camera you not only register the photo, but usually your device also adds extra info such as the date the photo was taken, the GPS location, phone brand, etc. and stores it in the photo file.

Other form of metadata is not registered but can be inferred. For example, someone created a program that can discover which parts of Google maps you are looking at based on the size of map tiles you are downloading.

When you are using SSL you are unwillingly lending third parties metadata which can lead to your discovery, particularly the time the message was sent and the size of your messages.

This allows for attackers to do something called a correlation attack.

Correlation attacks are primarily of 2 types : Time-based attacks and Size-based attacks

Time-based attack

In order to perform a time-based attack a party sends a message in an encrypted stream, then it looks at who receives the message. Since SSL communication is instantaneous, you can easily infer who is behind the SSL stream. The third party sends a message at 15:59 and whoever happens to get the message right afterwards must be the person they are looking for.

This type of attack was used against the person who dumped Stratfor mailpools. The way it worked is that government analyzed the time he was logging in on the internet and noticed it coincided with the time the person they suspected logged on to a secret chat through Tor. Not only that, rumor has it the government cut electricity to his house at a certain hour and noticed that the user of the secret chat logged out at the same time. The coincidences were too much, so he got caught.

Size-based attack

In order to perform a size-based attack, the third party sends a file of an unusual size, and then whoever receives the file must be the person they are looking for. Since most people on Facebook send small messages to each other, one only needs to send a very large message and see who happens to receive a message of that size afterwards.

As you can see correlation attacks render you vulnerable if you use SSL as your only line of defense. The reason is because the Third Party can not see WHAT you are sending, but they know that you ARE sending something, WHEN you do it and HOW BIG is the file. 

Ideally they should not even know you are communicating with anything at all. So, let’s see what other technologies have to offer.

Tor

Tor is a custom browser based on Firefox with extensions that works on the principle of connecting to a few nodes so that when you look at a website the only thing the website can see is the last node you traveled through and on the opposite side your ISP (Internet Service Provider ) can only see your first node, not the whole route.

This is already getting better. However it does not add that much anonymity since now third parties do not know WHO is communicating, but they can still see that it DOES happen, WHEN it happens and HOW BIG the size of messages are.

Not only that, but there are known vulnerabilities, particularly of 3 types.

You are viewing a website in the country you are in.

This allows advanced opponents calculate that it was YOU who was using Tor. It is difficult, but not impossible. This is bad news since a lot of people from US view websites stored in US. And so do dissidents from China or Iran.

Every single node you pass through is compromised

In my previous article I mentioned that the government can set up Tor nodes that they monitor. But to successfully pull an attack they would have to monitor EVERY node you go through.

This requires NWO level trickery, but again, we already have examples of this happening already with VPN agreements. Countries in the Anglosphere have an agreement to give away information regarding VPN usage by suspects from respective countries. This agreements is called Five Eyes. I wouldn’t be surprised if a similar thing is organized regarding Tor nodes.

Passive traffic analysis

Although not mentioned by Ritter in his presentation, it is common knowledge that an opponent with a lot of resources, mostly governments, could analyze the whole network and correlate patterns to discover who is viewing a certain website or communicating with someone.

To give an analogy, it would be like the police heavily patrolling every single street in a city and every single car , so that even if your car had fake plates they could notice patterns and discover its owner.

The problem is, this approach can create false positives, with a 10% chance of error, which is why these analyses are not accepted in court as proof. But you can rest sure if such an analysis points to you, you will be put under further investigation and it only gets worse from there.

So what can be used to further aid us ?

Remailers

Remailers are an interesting concept. The way they work is that people pool their mail messages on a server, after which some time passes and all mails are sent simultaneously at the same time.

This is supposed to protect from Time and Size based correlation attacks.

The problem here is that it still allows third parties to see that you ARE sending a message, WHEN you sent it and HOW BIG it was. But they can’t see the other end. For the receiver, he has the same problem. Third parties can’t know WHO he got the message from, but they can still see WHEN he receives it from the remailer and HOW BIG it is.

On top of that, for Remailers to work lots of people have to use them at the same time. Otherwise if there are few users, an enemy can still use size-based correlation attacks.

It’s hard to use size-based attacks when thousands of people are sending messages of various sizes, but if only three people at one time are using a Remailer, then it is very easy to do a size-based attack.

Shared mailbox

Shared mailboxes are the most out-of-the-box anonymous solution.

The way a shared mailbox works is that users share a mailbox. They cannot delete messages from it, but can only add encrypted messages to it. And when they want to check if they received a message they download all messages and use their key and try to decrypt the header of all of them and see if any of the messages belong to him.

It is a resource-tedious process, but it offers a great payoff. For the receiver this is great because when he downloads the whole mailbox third parties can’t know if he received a message, maybe he did, or maybe he didn’t. For the sender however, the equation stays the same as before.

This is for the moment the most powerful anonymity solution out there. However it has a few issues. In order to use alt.anonymous.message (the shared inbox) you need to have some degree of technical skill, and user inexperience leads to issues.

In order to be easier to use alt.anonymous.message allows the use of nymservers. Nymservers act as regular mail addresses, which when sent to, automatically post them to alt.anonymous.message .

There are however issues with AAM and Nymservers.

1. Poor network diversity

The number one issue is there are currently two main node operators: Zax and Dizzum, which are responsible for the trafficking of messages to alt.anonymous.message. If both were to retire or be arrested it would the death of alt.anonymous.message. As you can see, network diversity is horrible.

2. Poor encryption used on messages

Another issue is the type of encryption used. Some messages used the outdated MD5 encryption standard which is easy to crack.

Also, the title of messages are encrypted less strongly in order to be able to determine quickly which belong to you and which don’t. Subjects can be encrypted using either hsubs or esubs. Esubs is an older and stronger standard, but hsubs have grown in popularity in recent years.

3. Pattern analysis due to use of same subject line and same remailers

A lot of messages use the same subject over and over, people tend to reply to a particular subject. On top of that most people also usually use the same remailer over and over, you can start noticing communication patterns :

4. Custom Remailer command errors

There are different type of remailers. The old school one was called Type 1 and lives on in the protocol of Mixmaster. It allows a lot of customizing options for the header. The users often screwed up the name of the command, which ended in the title of a message.

For example if you write “X-No-Archive Hello Friend” it would turn into “Hello Friend” and the X-No-archive would be interpreted as a command to not archive. But if you wrote “no-archive-x Hello Friend” you messed up so the title would become “no-archive-x Hello Friend”. If you do this multiple times, you would be identified as a unique user since your titles would all contain “no-archive-x” or uncapitalized “x-no-archive” or whatever other combination of mispelled commands you use.

Since most people used the same commands over and over and did the same mistakes they became quickly identifiable as unique users.

5. Imperfect Remailers

There are different types of remailers. Currently there are two types of remailers in use, MixMaster and MixMinion. MixMinion has certain advantages over MixMaster. But both suffer from certain problems.

6. Nymservers which do not protect from size-based correlation attacks

Nymservers themselves have problems. Zax’s Nymserver is instantaneous which allows for size-based correlation attacks. However even Type 1 Nymservers (older ones) which are not always instantaneous still allow for size-based correlation attacks given a bit of perspicacity.

Therefore we identified main issues with AAM (alt.anonymous.message):

1) Giving users options allows for segregation and profiling 2) Some encryption is weak 3) It can be complicated to use and allows for beginner mistakes 4) Weak network diversity

Nonetheless, Ritter identified the most secure way of using AAM :

1) Use a strong passphrase and hsub 2) Use Type 3 PGP packet (Key Stretching) 3) Use Remailers 4) Do not use extra headers or options

The issue here is that if you do it properly you will still be part of a small community of people doing so (around 500 – 1500 people), which will make you looks suspicious and will cause the government to look closer into you and maybe add you to a database.

Solutions of the future

Pynchon gate

Pynchon Gate is a project meant to replace shared mailboxes. It uses Private Information Retrieval. It exposes less meta-data, scales better and resists flooding and size-based attacks. However it is currently work in progress

Improved Remailers

MixMinion is currently the best remailer protocol and as such should be used as a basis for future improvement. Planned improvements include things such as improving TLS settings and moving to a new packet format.

What is currently lacking

As of right now, what is lacking is some tech that could be used to anonymously share large files. AAM and such are low bandwidth, which means it can only be used to share small files like text messages.

A new service needs to be created to cover this niche. In the words of Tom Ritter :

But what I keep coming back to is the fact that we have no anonymity network that is high bandwidth, high latency. We have no anonymity network that would have let someone securely share the Collateral Murder video, without Wikileaks being their proxy. You can’t take a video of corruption or police brutality, and post it anonymously.

Now I hear you arguing with me in your heads: Use Tor and upload it to Youtube. No, youtube will take it down. Use Tor and upload it to MEGA, or some site that will fight fradulent takedown notices. Okay, but now you’re relying on the good graces of some third party. A third party that is known to host the video, and can be sued. Wikileaks was the last organization that was willing to take on that legal fight, and now they are no longer in the business of hosting content for normal people.

And you can say Hidden Service and I’ll point to size-based traffic analysis and confirmation attacks that come with a low-latency network, never mind Ralf-Phillip Weinmen’s amazing work the other month that really killed Hidden Services. We can go on and on like this, but I hope you’ll at least concede the point that what you are coming up with are work-arounds for a problem that we lack a good solution to.

Conclusions

As we can see true anonymity online is non-existent. At the very least, third parties can collect meta-data on you and use correlation attacks, when ideally they shouldn’t even know you are communicating at all. Moreover, even strong anonymity tools like Tor have shown to have known vulnerabilities.

However, what matters is not whether something is vulnerable in theory, but rather does it keep you safe in practice? And so far, the tools we have at our disposal are pretty powerful.

As I have mentioned in my previous article, using TailsOS off a flash stick in a public wi-fi area with no cameras + VPN/Tor seems to be the best solution for now.

The testament to the power of anonymity tools is that pedophile rings and drug dealers have managed to escape persecution by multiple world governments to this day using them.

And that’s what I will talk about in my next article. We will analyze the electronic operational security of pedophile rings and how one infamous one managed to escape unscathed after years of being searched. Stay tuned.

Read More: 12 Ways To Increase Your Anonymity And Security Online