#well fear is entirely based on ignorance so it cant be helped i guess.

[ritzcuit]

i saw someone who clearly knew a lot about insects and other Creepiest of Crawlies, like more than i would, like "identifying based on scientific name" type shit, but they still tagged every post with a picture as cw insect/cw bug, even when such thing was not an insect or bug but a slug.

so i assume it's because even though it isn't scientifically true, they're tagging for the convenience of ppl who are afraid of such creepiest of crawlies, so they would not have to see the irrevocably ghastly visage of an slug.

but it makes me think, that sucks, right? to be so afraid of a vast majority of life on earth, that you don't even recognize a slug is not an insect or bug.

well "bug" is not a scientific descriptor, so i get that, but it surely isnt an insect.

i don't like how much ignorance about insects and other Creepiest of Crawlies (nondescript) is normalized.

you'd probably be less terrified of them if you learned more about them, for starters...

[literaila]

tricks and tips.

loki x gn!reader. title says it all. be warned. 

*

the first time you met loki,

he was sitting in a cage. it was cold where they were keeping him, somewhere far too excluded from everything else, someplace that you barely recognized yourself. it was cold, and it was dark everywhere except the glass composure he was trapped in.

this wasn’t really a prison, you knew. it couldn’t have been a prison for him when he was just sitting there, watching you, no movement, no sound.

but still, something about the cage made you want to crawl out of your skin.

or maybe it was him.

maybe it was his eyes, the cruel words he had spoken to everyone else. he wasn’t just a man, he would remind you, he was something other.

you’d first been called in to interrogate him (having a doctorate in psychology was very useful apparently) and try to determine what his next move was. 

though within five seconds of entering the room, you wondered why anyone would think there was any move he could make in the first place. he was completely enclosed, trapped in something that looked like it could hold even the scariest of monsters. 

and well, you werent quite sure if that was him. 

though, you couldnt deny the chill that ran down your spine as his eyes watched you as you walked closer and closer, not letting any fear you might have deter you from the job you were supposed to be doing. figure out what his next move was. simple. 

“hello,” you started, a professional smile on your face. you could’ve sworn he’d flinched. “i’m y/n.” 

the only thing you got in return was a roll of his eyes, clearly fed up with you, probably with the cage, and definitely with the wall he was leaning against. 

your neck ached in sympathy. 

“you must be loki, yes?” trying again, you drew a chair that was sitting next to the cage, probably leftover from the last person that had tried to talk to him, and leaned back, waiting for whatever answer he would give. 

turns out, that didnt take long. 

“prince” he, not quite hissed but announced. his face was not any more pleasant, and it was clear he wasnt joking. 

even still, you had to put in some effort not to giggle. it wasnt as if you’d ever gotten corrected by a ‘prince’ before. or that you’d even been in the vicinity of one. 

allowing only a small twitch at the corner of your lips, you nodded seriously, opening the notebook you’d been holding. “ah yes, prince loki. i’m sorry” 

“why are you here?” he asked, leaning his head against the wall again, and closing his eyes. “another person sent to discover all my secrets? figure out what to do with someone like me?” 

it was silent for a moment, the two of you were completely alone. it was still cold, it was still dark, but this close to the prince, you could observe the slow movements he was making. you could see his face clearly, the dread unhidden from his features. 

you supposed it must be draining, to have people asking you the same things, hoping to find out something new. 

you wonder how long he’d been left alone since he’d arrived in the small prison. how long he’d been watched. 

someone more cheerful, less conceded, might be a relief. 

��well yes, i guess so.” there was no point in lying, especially considering it didnt seem like he was going to cooperate anyway. “but i’m willing to bet that it wouldnt matter even if i tried,” 

he opened his eyes at that, something new on his face. something other than the distaste he already had for you. 

“its usually not safe to make bets with me, as i’m sure my brother already told you.” he spit out the word brother. it didnt surprise you, but you still scribbled something down in the notebook you were holding. you didnt fail to notice the change in topic. 

“i actually havent spoken to him yet, just the agent who called me in. i cant seem to remember their name...” 

loki stood up then, walking around the cage, stretching out. he looked different now, less angry, maybe a bit more tired than when you’d walked in. there was nothing else in the cage. no water, no food, no bed. it would be a struggle to stay sitting for long. 

“you dont work for shield?” the prince asked, now standing in front of you. 

“god, no.” you giggled at the thought, imaging yourself in the all-black uniforms you’d seen on almost every person that had welcomed you in. “i’m just here to... interrogate you.” you made an effort to keep the cheer in your voice, not wanting him to return to the other side of the cage and ignore you for the rest of the time you were locked in here with him. 

it wouldnt make for a very good report. 

“no i suppose not...” he drawled, smirking at you with crueler eyes than before. you recognized the insult but paid no mind to it. he was locked in a glass cage, multiple levels below the ground. he had a right to be a little bitter. “now about that bet,” 

huh. maybe a game would work then. you were almost sure that he’d been purposefully trying to move past that. 

“i think, knowing that you are the god of mischief, that even if i asked questions-- and you answered --that it wouldnt be too far-fetched to say that it would be all lies.” you watched his face change, the tiny twitch of his lips. “a safe bet, i’m assuming.” 

loki sat back down, this time in the middle of the floor with his long legs crossed over each other. he was looking at you completely now, blank face. it wasnt as scary now, and you werent sure if this was the right prison for someone as calm as he seemed. 

“i’ve been told its not good to assume,” he replied, looking down to his lap. 

you nodded along, silent then. 

it was another minute after, both of you thinking completely different things, before anyone spoke. you, of course, were trying to figure out your best course of action. what you could ask to get him to say something that you could report back to the people waiting for you, what he would need to hear to actually reveal something that wasnt already known. 

it was only when you looked up and saw loki scowling once again that you decided it was best to just keep the conversation going. 

“how long have you been here, then?” 

“here, physically? only around a day or two. i cant tell what time it is.” he looked around, nodding to the black walls, the light that was only coming from the floor beneath him. “on earth? ...well, far longer than i intended to be.”

“hmm” 

loki raised a brow. “hmm?” 

you looked down at your lap, undeterred by the demand in his voice. he didnt like to not know. 

“Its just that,” you looked back up at him, offering a smile and using your hands to gesture in the air. “based on what i’ve heard of you... on the news, it seems more like you came to ‘annihilate’ us all. and, well i just figured that would take a bit longer than a couple of days?” 

you kept eye-contact with him. he was far less intimidating when he was sitting like a child. far less intimidating when his eyes werent full of murder. 

he nodded, leaning his chin on his hand, staring. “that sounds like a question.” he muttered, uninterested. he looked a bit bored, mostly tired, but still. 

“oh right,” you leaned back, distancing yourself from him and returning your eyes to the notebook. “sorry”  

loki sighed, kept silent for a moment before he saw that you werent going to say anything else. he had to know. 

“if i tell you something, will you tell me what you’re writing in that thing?” 

your eyes perked up. that was a good offer. 

“i thought it wasnt smart to make deals with the ‘god of mischief’?” you emphasised the title with a wave of your hands, hoping to get him to smile. 

just something to report, you reminded yourself. just stay long enough to get him comfortable. 

“its not,” he smirked, watching you decide. this suddenly felt a bit too much like a dare. 

and, well, you werent something who backed away from a dare. 

“okay, deal.” 

loki didnt reply, only waved a hand as if to say get on with it before yawning. he was definitely paying attention, but his show of boredom was greatly appreciated even still. 

you werent used to being told what to do with gestures, but it was clear that loki was very used to telling other people what to do with just a gesture. it was the prince in him, you supposed. didnt mean you were going to listen. 

“why am i going first?” you asked, arms crossed in front of you now. 

loki laughed, full out. he gestured around him with wide eyes, energy sudenly coming back to him. he looked much more like a prince now, than he did before. “it would seem that i’m at a bit of a disadvantage.” 

you glared at him, unmoving. “how do i know you’ll tell me anything real?” 

lies, you thought. you were very familiar with them, familiar to listening to them and familiar to dealing with them. 

“you have my word,” he promised, sincerely with a hand over his heart. 

it was definitely too much. but still, you grabbed the notebook and flipped it around so that he could see. the look on his face might’ve been just enough to make this entire day worth it. 

it was just scribbles, after all. little doodles to help keep you focused. 

but of course, the god of mischief, prince of asgard, didnt know that. 

he only stared at you, an astounding look in his eyes. and you, only smirked. copying his gesture from earlier. 

get on with it. 

“fine,” he quipped. crossing his arms over his chest. copying you now. it only made you smile wider. “i wasnt born on asgard. i also murdered my biological father.” no remorse on his face with those words, just another yawn. 

well. that wasnt expected. 

“that wasnt the deal,” you said, instead of offering any sympathy you might have. pity you knew he wouldnt want. any disgust that came with the words. he didnt want emotions, and you still needed something to report. 

you suddenly felt angry with him, and you couldnt tell why. 

“darling, i said i would tell you something. not that i would tell you anything useful.” he laid down then, right in the middle of the floor. it was ridiculous. but then you could see him closing his eyes, putting his hand over his face to block out the light. “its not like you gave me anything useful either.” he teased the words out, yawning again. 

maybe you’d misread his mischief, his distaste. 

“when was the last time you got any sleep?” you asked, instead of acknowledging anything he said. 

his face snapped up at that, the pressure in the room rising to the highest level. it seemed that you’d struck a nerve. he had been there far too long. 

“another question,” he hissed, distaste back plain and clear in his eyes, tinting his mouth. he was mad now, angry. it probably wasnt at you, you thought. it was probably at the situation, at his brother, at himself. 

you might’ve known a bit more than you’d led on. 

“when i was a kid,” you started, pleasant smile back on your face. you were in the company of a prince after all. “my mom used to tell me to think ‘happy thoughts’ to fall asleep.” you saw him wince slightly, but you werent finished. “it helped lure me to sleep, and also keep away nightmares.” 

“why are you telling me this?” he demanded, quietly. whatever he didnt like about what you were saying, it was too late to take back. 

“just in case you needed some help. or a reminder to take a nap.” 

and then someone was calling your name, leading you out of the dark room. you looked back at loki once more, another smile. 

you were sure you’d be back soon. 

and loki, well he was watching you walk away. listening to the silence you’d left behind. 

compared to any other person that had attempted to talk to him, to get something out of him. you were the most entertaining. and also slightly annoying. 

but still, he couldnt get those words out of his head. and he couldnt get the weight off his eyes. 

five minutes later, your voice in his ear, he was sound asleep against the glass wall. 

[jamesholden]

I just got myself super heated thinking about how often fandom seems to reduce Holden down to nothing more than “straight white male hero” with a side of “kinda dumb and nice”. I feel like the darker parts of him, all his internal struggles, get ignored to help push that fanon view of him.

So in the interest of talking more about how Holden really is as a character: What are your favourite “darker” parts of Holdens character, and what things about Holden do you wish fandom would see more?

oh my god this is going to be a lot like a LOT so just brace yourself, nonny. Imma talk about Holden’s burden of responsibility, his guilt center, his PTSD, how he makes mistakes and actually tries to apologize, make up for, and grow from them, and his absolute fucking resiliency so like here we go I guess.

It’s easy for us to be like “oh he had an easy life” and for a long time, he did have an easIER life than Amos or Naomi. But he had a lot of weight put on his shoulders by his family, eight adults. They wanted him to take over the farm, and the message he got from them was “it’s your job to protect this, our home, our legacy, and to carry it on”. That it was HIS RESPONSIBILITY to save his home. The entire reason he was born. Elise feels guilt over his upbringing even years later. That his childhood was devoted to learning how to save the farm. Reading court briefs and GOING TO COURT. That he met ARMED GUARDS AT THE GATES AS A TEEN. for someone who had a normal childhood that seems uh NOT NORMAL.

So he left at his mother’s behest and joined the Navy. Took the officer tract. Was well liked by his superiors and fellow crew members. Until one day when he refused an order to fire on a ship that he believed had Belter refugees on it. He threw a punch, broke his hand, and watched how he was proven right in the end. He was kicked out, and never went home again. Ran from responsibility because all he did was fail people. So he did what he believed he was best at and ran. He lived with a lot of guilt, pretending he didn’t.

And that’s a common pattern for him. He carries a lot of guilt. For home, for the belter ship, for the Cant, Shed and the Donnager, getting the Roci crew into trouble, Eros. Eros was what really fucked him up, what the fans really took the wrong messages from. He lived with not only survivor’s guilt, but PTSD, which fans ignored or wrote off as “assholery” even as the show gave clue after clue that the protomolecule was his trigger. It took him back to Eros. the books had an incredibly sad scene where he actually thinks he IS back there when on Ganymede, and Amos has to snap him out of it. 

He struggles with that, and it colors his actions for SEASONS. destroying the aid ship, the search on Ganymede station and the moon itself. He’s scared of Eros happening again and he wants to stop it at all costs, and he comes to realize how it’s affecting those he loves most. And it still affects him for YEARS after. Miller in his head, the station, SEEING AN ENTIRE RISE AND FALL OF AN ENTIRE CIVILIZATION, the Behemoth, Ilus OH MY GOD ILUS. 

I saw him being called “whiny” for a particularly meaningful scene in S4 in which he tells Elvi he has nightmares of what he’s seen over the years, but specifically what the station showed him. She writes it off because BUT SCIENCE, which bothers Holden in the moment. Holden’s trauma, which has kept him up at night, kept him from eating, changed his behavior so much he pushed his loved ones away, brought him to Ilus to relive parts of it, means NOTHING because SCIENCE.

And like... if that isn’t reflective of fandom’s response to his trauma over seasons 2-4... I don’t know what is. Holden’s trauma was virtually ignored or waved away. While we (rightly!) praised the portrayal and writing of Amos’ trauma, decades older than Holden’s fresh and ugly trauma, people wrote Holden off as an asshole, an abuser, a pointless character who should just die already. Like wow what a way to talk about a character who is traumatized and raw, one whose portrayal was based in ACTUAL RESEARCH OF PTSD BY STEVEN STRAIT. All because... what, we don’t like him? No one has to LIKE Holden, but to be so flippant about what is pretty plainly fresh, horrible, ugly trauma that made him into someone he isn’t and never wanted to be, while praising Amos and Alex for their responses to trauma, even when they also bordered on “bad behavior”... it left a really bad taste in my mouth. I gave up on arguing about it. Holden isn’t WHINY. He’s open and vulnerable about his pain and trauma and fears. Something I thought we WANTED from male heroes. Less toxic masculinity, more vulnerability. 

I love Holden for being a character who makes mistakes, acknowledges they are mistakes, and apologizes or tries to atone or be better for them. He wears his flaws on his sleeve. And he tries to patch them up. He tells Naomi he logged the distress call. He tells Naomi that he almost didn’t go back for the refugees on Ganymede. He tells her he regrets fighting for justice for the Cant instead of protecting them better. He tries to tell her his own feelings don’t matter about her decisions, and goes on to tell her he’ll never like something she did, even though he’d never hate her for doing it. He blames himself for her leaving, admits that his actions pushed her away, even if she denied that. He defers to Naomi SO MUCH after realizing how he’s wronged her or because she’s opened up to him because he realized how he didn’t listen and tries to listen MORE. He’s HONEST. Even when it hurts him or the person he’s speaking to. HE GROWS. Even if it’s imperfect at first. Holden tries, and to me that’s so incredibly important, and it’s not spoken of because for many it’s not good enough just to TRY. and that’s a shame.

Lastly, I love his resilience. It’s what drew me to him from the get go, aside from being someone who tried very hard to do the right thing. Holden gets beaten down so many times, but he always gets back up. Always. He always keeps fighting, keeps trying, keeps learning. His arc plays out SO BEAUTIFULLY in book 8, because he doesn’t give up, and he uses all he’s learned to survive. I found The Expanse when I was in a really dark place, trying to claw my way out. Holden helped me with that because he ALWAYS clawed his way out. And it meant so much to me. Holden doesn’t stop. He keeps moving forward.

SORRY THAT WAS SO MUCH i kept coming up with new thoughts and ideas I am SO sorry but I hope this gives you what you’re looking for! Thank you for giving me the space to rant about my bisexual himbo space knight. 

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being Tony Stark’s Daughter (The Intense Years)

Tony Stark x daughter!reader

warnings:

a/n: y/n is 16-17, also ive really never written anything about team iron man so this was weird, someone needs to tell me i dont need every single movie detail in here

prompt: takes place from cacw and smhc

The Early Years (1) The Teenage Years (2) The Aftermath (4) Continued (5)

after the events in sokovia, you set up the relief fund for displaced sokovians and dealt with physical clean up while the avengers...

well, they had to deal with the press—and the governments of the world

getting to know your new suit AI, JOSHUA

briefly looking for bruce; no luck there

you ended up doing the MIT september foundation presentation with tony

and ending the presentation after pepper’s name popped up on the screen

“it’s probably best we get out of here”

you were his entire support system while he was going through his break with pepper

meeting charles spencer’s mother, who really gave your dad a piece of her mind

“my son died, but your daughter gets to live on. if you lost her, maybe you’d show some sympathy for murdering my child”

*awkward silence from you*

*awkward silence from tony otw to the compound*

HATING the sound of the sokovia accords, yet understanding why they’re being ratified

being torn between signing them or not and having a huge argument with the other avengers

“y/n, why dont you listen to your dad for once and sign the damn thing”

“uncle rhodey, you know why i dont want to sign. if they have us, they have access to our suits. you really think the UN should be telling us how to use them?”

“your defense doesn’t even make sense. i had the war machine or iron patriot or whatever the hell you want to call it, but the military was calling the shots”

“and look where you are now”

“right, well i wouldn’t expect a kid to understand”

“are you kidding me, rhodes? you’re gonna play the ‘im older than you’ card?”

comforting wanda while she feared being taken

and as soon as you heard about what happened in lagos

“think about it, maximoff. if you didnt do what you did, do you know how many more casualties there may have been?”

“but i killed innocents”

“no, rumlow killed innocents. you contained that blast better than anyone else could have and you prevented a whole bunch of deaths, give yourself some credit”

okay, so you weren’t the best at talking someone down while they were upset

staying in berlin with your father while the whole bucky thing began to get sorted out

but he sent you out to stay with nat while he had some “private time” with steve

tony keeping you close to him during the power outage at the base

until it turned out you brought your suit and tony did not!

everyone was looking at you to take down bucky, but it just seemed like a bad idea, you didn’t want to hurt him because you didn’t want to hurt steve

stalling to try and buy steve time to subdue his friend

“y/n, come on, for christ sake!”

“got it, dad! i know what im doing!”

“i dont think you do!”

feeling your stomach drop when bucky shot into your dad’s hand, if it wasn’t for his latest invention, he may have gotten seriously hurt

you had a slight change of heart after that, you couldn’t bare to lose your dad. not after all those close calls...

getting yelled at by secretary ross and the wonderful 36 hour ultimatum you, nat, and tony received

“i have a plan”

“don’t say the spider boy”

“fine, i wont say it”

a nice trip to queens :)

when this parker kid finally got home, tony left you to socialize with his aunt

small talk is sometimes unbearable

“so, what’s it like being tony stark’s daughter?”

“honestly? im always tired”

peter becoming a tagalong on your mission, which you didn’t really think was appropriate

“dad, i dont really think we should’ve brought the kid...”

“why? you’re about the same age as him, its not much different”

“um...no, i meant this isnt his battle. i don’t care how old he is”

face off between tony and cap where you literally just swallowed all your pride and apologized because you couldn’t handle the fact that the team was being ripped apart like this

team ups with Spider-Man

“so, uh, do you hate me or something?”

“hey, kid? we’re kind of in the middle of something, i’ll get back to you on that”

“it’s a yes or no question, y/n”

“pass”

so, things didn’t exactly go as planned...

your (former) teammates were taken to the RAFT and you couldn’t pull it together in front of them

they were pretty pissed at you

“im sorry, im so sorry, i should’ve done better”

they ignored you (up until scott lang)

“all you stark’s are the same”

“stay out of this, bugboy”

taking to the remote hydra base in another famous father/daughter teamup

“just like the old days, right kiddo?”

“i guess so”

“hey, cheer up, it’s not all that bad”

waltzing right in there to meet your friend and foe

seeing the video of your grandparents dying

*being killed

absolutely stunned by seeing such a gruesome thing

even after all you’ve seen, this really got to you

you were robbed of ever meeting them, which made you angry, but you couldn’t stay angry because there were so many things out of everyones control

realizing that this was a good time to hold tony back

“JOSHUA, lock down y/n’s suit. protocol: baby gate”

apparently your dad still had some old protocols in your suit that you hadn’t found yet

“JOSHUA? reboot! override protocol: baby gate”

“i’m sorry, miss y/n, but i cannot do that”

watching your father attempt to get revenge

and get critically injured

simultaneously working on opening the suit back up for a bad plan

finally getting the emergency release and stumbling out of your suit, rushing towards the conflict and throwing yourself in the middle of it

“please, dad. enough damage has been done.”

“y/n, get out of the way”

he saw you shaking and crying and he realized what he was doing

attacking the only family you guys really had

getting shoved out of the way so that they could end this fight once and for all

JOSHUA finally rebooting and bringing the suit over to shield you while you helplessly watched the end of this fight

when bucky and steve left, your suit disarmed and you crouched down beside your father

“come on, let’s just go home”

“im sorry”

“i know, it’s okay”

trying to comfort your dad after his defeat

you picked up cap’s shield and returned to your suit, it was time to go home

after a brief time of recovery (while you helped work on uncle rhodey’s prototype prosthetics), there was a slight change of plans for you

“okay, so for your punishment after what you pulled during my...divorce with cap, you’re going to babysit the spiderling so you gain some perspective”

“hold on, what?! what do you mean ‘perspective?’”

“i mean you dont know what it’s like to be in charge of the life of a teenager, so now you get to find out! congratulations on your promotion!”

it was not fun at all because peter kept blowing up your phone and you kept having to tell him there was nothing for him to do

Y/N: I’ll let you know when there’s a spider-level threat, kapeesh?

P. Parker: Yes, ma’am, sorry.

peter going behind your back to do some “superhero work”

and you having to swoop in to fix everything last second

“come on, you stole my thunder, y/n!”

“no, peter, i saved your life. next time you have a lead, call me first”

and then he didn’t 😌✨💕

“Y/N, incoming call from ‘big fat meanie’”

“put him through, JOSHIE...hey dad, how’s dubai?”

“taking care of a kid is harder than it looks, isn’t it?”

“don’t start with me”

damage control ahahah 🤡

“peter, why cant you just call me in? you don’t stop texting me for months but for this you go radio silent? you almost died. and you put a bunch of lives in danger! do you want me to have to go to your aunt and tell her you died?”

“im sorry! i just...i dont want to be a sidekick”

“kid, you’re gonna have a long time to make a name for yourself...but not if you’re dead!”

he started crying and you were very uncomfortable so you tried to hug him? it helped.

letting him off easy (just like your dad did to you growing up)

but apparently tony came back and took the suit anyways and you were pretty pissed about it

avengers moving day :) yes, part of your punishment was helping happy with moving day and hearing him gush about how you were “growing into such a responsible adult”

“happy i dont know if you noticed but ive basically been an adult since i was 12”

“keep telling yourself that, kiddo”

seeing an explosion and immediately knowing it was peter

“i’ll see you later, happy, love you!”

investigating the crash site and whaddaya know, there’s peter and his first bad guy, you were kind of proud

“peter, you okay?”

“nope!”

“okay, cool”

more damage control lmao (a/n: yall sick of damage control yet?)

a congratulatory call from your dad

“hey! you did pretty good, all things considered. why don’t you take the kid to the avengers compound for his special surprise?”

“aye aye, see you soon.”

“love you, kiddo”

“you too, dad”

quick fast forward to peter rejecting the position as an avenger while the press was outside, yes, you were surprised

but then your dad finally proposed to pepper, it was a pretty cool engagement announcement

“y/n, will you be my maid of honor?”

“duh!”

happily ever after (a/n: until the next part is up)

[crystallos-sol]

The 3K event

Okay so here I am making a massive 3K analysis again. I wanted to do one of Gray Fullbuster because he's a character I relate to the most and he's definitely one of the more complex characters. The rest is under the cut, be warned its long & you might not agree with some things but its a fact of life to not agree with everything. 

To make it easier on my poor hands I am going to divide this up by arc! I will list the arc at the top starting from the beginning of the story. It will be two paragraphs of his behavior for each arc! 

Maco Arc: 

Gray here first appears nude, fighting and asking Lucy for her underwear because he lost his. That is mostly the extent of his appearance during that arc. Analyzing that small moment we can conclude: He has a nude problem, He has a temper, Him and Natsu don’t get along very well. We can also conclude or make an educated guess based on the fact that he is nude and asks Lucy for her underwear: He is a pervert or has those types of intentions. 

We also have only just met him during that arc. So there isn’t going to be a lot of information about him at first. Looking at his behavior, he is certainly interesting and seems to almost be brash. There is something about him that does say he has a brain under his head of emo hair. 

Daybreak arc: 

This arc focuses on Natsu and Lucy and Happy. 

Lullaby arc: 

This is where we learn alot about Gray. His interaction with Natsu before Erza shows up says that they are in some type of friendship. It is clear that they can stop fighting one another but it appears they just want to fight one another. We definitely learn Gray is a humorous character based off of his reactions throughout the arc. His behavior suggests he is scared of Erza and gets along with Natsu when he needs to. Gray also seems to be more on the calm side of things unless he gets mad. Gray doesn't show that much emotion within his face when calm. 

Gray seems to show his feelings and thoughts through actions. He also has some weird behavior and even strips off his clothing. He is a quick thinker when it counts and during the train station section of the arc, we see that he is strong in his own right. That idea is reinforced by the speed and strength of his ice magic during the battle with Lullaby. Based on all of this we can conclude that Gray is on Natsu’s level of power, He is strong and emotional in a way most people aren't. He has a stripping habit based on how when serious and on the magic car he stripped off his top. 

Galuna Island Arc: 

Here we learn so much about Gray. The paragraphs will be larger so please be prepared to read that. 

Gray is clearly traumatized and doesn’t react normally because of it, Before Erza arrives to take them back to the Guild he is calm and collected. This suggests that it is a facade or only one part of him. Gray also has a tendency to ignore the pain he is in or twist it around. Gray is shown to have been the sole survivor of his village and having lost his parents to Delliora, a demon from the books of Zeref. This makes his actions against Lullaby who is also a demon from the books of Zeref seen in an entirely different light than before. Gray is faced with his adoptive brother who is destroying the ice that is his mentor or mother figure to get to Delliora. Gray clearly believes what happened that day was his fault. 

Gray also irrationally thinks that Delliora who has been sealed away under lost magic is alive. This is shown when he tries to commit suicide to end Delliora. Surprisingly enough it is Natsu Dragneel or his rival that saves him and fights against Delliora. This moment is such a huge action. Here is really where they become even closer on Gray’s end of things. For him Natsu just destroyed the monster that took everything from him, the very thing he likely had nightmares about for years. The same event he cant process correctly because he is so emotionally vulnerable and traumatized is ended by his rival. Gray was actually set free at that moment. Afterwards there is an air of Gray that he didn’t have before. He seems almost relaxed but not sure what to do about it. Gray cannot believe he's finally free and he is also still processing that Natsu Dragneel was the one who put himself between Gray and the nightmare of his entire life. 

To Gray his whole life just changed. Not only was his master set free finally but his friend saved him from self destruction. Looking at that attempted suicide it puts Gray and his character in a new light. It is clear he loves Fairy Tail and would do anything for his guild. It is purely the most drastic change in a character because he had everyone fooled. This is the first analysis of him: 

Analyzing that small moment we can conclude: He has a nude problem, He has a temper, Him and Natsu don’t get along very well. We can also conclude or make an educated guess based on the fact that he is nude and asks Lucy for her underwear: He is a pervert or has those types of intentions. 

Gray wore a mask and he had everyone fooled. Even the viewer/reader. 

Phantom Lord Arc: 

Here Gray is lighter. His character seems at peace until he sees the ruined guild hall. Almost all of his hurt and agony is thrown out the window in favor of his family. During the moments leading up to the fight Gray is stressed and angry. Like the rest of Fairy Tail he is mad. During the battles Gray doesn't hesitate. However the most outstanding moment that showed his actual character was when he stopped Juvia from dying. When he accidentally grabbed her chest during an attack and immediately backed off. Not getting into Juvia's character at all here however her reactions to those events influenced Gray’s own reaction. He wasn’t rude and didn’t attack her after the fight. He let her lay there and even smiled at her because Gray despite the mask he wore has the biggest heart in Fairy Tail. 

Loke Arc: 

This arc shows us a relaxed and genuinely worried Gray. He knows something is wrong with Loke during this arc, and like a friend is concerned about him. The two are painted to be friends and they both clearly have a history together based on the way Gray is worried. Gray isn’t exactly appearing in this arc a lot so sadly that's it.  

Tower Of Heaven: 

This mostly focuses on Erza but it does showcase that Gray despite being scared of her genuinely cares about her. It also shows again that Gray is awkward and doesn't exactly know what to do when his friends are upset. He cares about them but he hasn't figured out how to approach it or handle it, 

Battle of Fairy Tail: 

There isn't really anything that can be said about this that I haven't already said. 

Oracion Seis arc: 

Gray instantly is concerned about Wendy and wants to help her. He also automatically considers her a friend. Gray when fighting against them is clearly upset about them trying to destroy Wendy’s guild. He is mad and saddened like he is when Fairy Tail is facing a conflict. Once again showing Gray is more emotional than people give him credit for. He also backs and approves of Erza’s decision to allow Wendy to join Fairy Tail. It is clear Gray wasn’t about to let her wonder off without knowing if she would be okay first. 

Daphne Arc: 

I have said it before and I will say it again, there is no way Gray “ I care about my family “ Fullbuster would ever do anything like he supposedly did in that horribly written episode. I can admit that some points of Fairy Tails plot is stupid and or badly written but I don’t understand how it managed to embody a cringey fan fic from the early 200s that is in first person pov and has only 700 words and multiple chapters with no spaces. 

Edolas Arc: 

Gray is again upset about mistreatment and that his guild is being harmed. He also is once again showing his thinking side when he goes along with the plan Natsu, Erza and Him come up with to save their friends. He is worried about his guild mates fighting the King, but of course is relieved when they all come back alive and just a little banged up. 

Tenrou Island Arc & X791 Arc: 

Gray is deathly protective of his guild and it didn’t go over well when Ultear hurt Juvia. Now during this Arc Gray is targeted by Ultear because she believes he killed her mother and took her away from her. She intends on murdering Gray for it. He however is emotional about it because Ultear is UI’s bloodline. Both Gray and UI had no clue that she is alive and they certainly if aware of it would have torn that organization to shreds to reach her. Gray when faced with a monster coming to destroy them is more concerned about his family than the impending doom. He does like the rest of the guild stares death right in the eye without a hint of fear. 

As any Fairy Tail member knows they are all together and they are never once going to go through something alone here. In the end when woken up by members of his guild he is happy to still be able to interact with his friends and family. 

Key Of The Starry Sky Arc: 

This arc mostly focuses on Lucy and the relationships of her family. There are however moments where other members of Fairy Tail have their own relationships with her explored. With Gray he is worried about her and doesn't want to lose his teammate and friend. Their relationship however is shown slightly from Gray's actions when fighting and doing his best to prevent her death. He doesn’t exactly have a relationship with her outside of friendship however that doesn't mean Gray can’t view her as an important part of his life like he does with the rest of his guild. 

Grand Magic Games:

Gray's love for fighting is definitely shown here. He is also downright cheerful during the games at points. But he still is angry when his guild is targeted and when his guild mates are hurt. Gray does seem to have his head on straight during his fights, even cheering for his brother and telling him to essentially stop being stupid. Gray does get concerned about Gajeel and the Dragon corpses purely because he cares about his friends and also because he doesn't know if he feels so happy knowing dragons got pitted against one another here. He has been accused of murdering Frosch by Future Rogue who comes back through the gate. However it is believed he is lying because when Gray meets Frosch he thinks the excess is adorable and instantly wants to befriend them. 

However an extreme point to know is that Gray dies for a period of time. Shoving Juvia and Meredy out of the way of a magic attack he got hit multiple times. The final shot was right through his head. Gray was however saved by Ultear who sacrificed her own life to turn back time. He has expressed no memory of this happening but says he has a blank spot in his memories he isn't sure about. 

Eclipse celestial spirit arc: 

Here Gray goes to fight Cancer and return him back to normal for Lucy. We also learn that Gray can’t dance well but since he was put on the spot he threw a routine together for his friends sake. He is also relieved when his friend Like or Leo is returned back to normal. 

Sun village arc: 

Gray is faced with the obseratady of being turned back into a child. It is also revealed that Gray can make ice disappear. He cant make the Ice that is covering the village go away without some effort. After they get the flame back to its strength he is shown confused about the ice around them. He can also safely cool others down with his magic. It really shows how much he has improved. 

Tartaros arc: 

Gray finds his dead father. Even though he receives a gift from his father it clearly doesn't change the pain he is in because of the loss. He is really shutting down at the fact that he lost his father twice. Gray however handles his grief differently than another character. He knew from the moment he saw his dad that he was dead. Gray looked at him and saw that without a problem. The problem here is that Grays has a knack for looking at things as his fault. He views this event has something he caused. No other character twists their pain and grief so badly. Gray knew his father was dead from the beginning. He already lost him, it's not that the second time didn't hurt just as badly it's that Gray could have prevented this. In his head he could have had his father back in his life. To Gray he failed and wasn't strong enough to save his father. 

Avatar arc: 

Gray is lost here. His guild, his constant in his life is gone. He has lost that contact with them. Gray clings to the part of his family that is with him. Erza scarlet. Now during the arc he had to renounce Fairy Tail and play a dark persona that isn't him for almost a year. For almost an entire year Gray was a monster he created. A monster he created for Erza, for this mission he threw himself into. He went through a massive transformation and Gray while parts of himself are still there has changed. His world view has been altered and Gray now knows that not even Fairy Tail is going to be his constant. I have written about this on my Ao3 Littledanceingdragons it is under the title: Undercover. I am not going to link it here check the notes since Tumblr shadowbans any post with links. 

When Fairy Tail is brought back Gray is back to his normal self and even looks relieved because his family came back for him. 

Alvarez empire arc: 

This arc caused Gray so much pain. I am not going to cover the Juvia & Gray scene fully, mostly because that scene was so horribly written for a core plot moment it felt so forced and out of character. 

That being said I am going to talk about how Gray would rather die than hurt a guildmate. Now this is purely because I think Gray has been pushed to his limit. He lost his father, fought demons, lost his family, transformed into a dark persona for a mission. At this point Gray at his lowest develops irrational thinking and suicidal thoughts and actions. It is crucial to remember the past for this so here are they key points of multiple paragraphs: 

Gray also has a tendency to ignore the pain he is in or twist it around. Gray is shown to have been the sole survivor of his village and having lost his parents to Delliora, a demon from the books of Zeref. This makes his actions against Lullaby who is also a demon from the books of Zeref seen in an entirely different light than before. Gray is faced with his adoptive brother who is destroying the ice that is his mentor or mother figure to get to Delliora. Gray clearly believes what happened that day was his fault. 

However an extreme point to know is that Gray dies for a period of time. Shoving Juvia and Meredy out of the way of a magic attack he got hit multiple times. The final shot was right through his head. Gray was however saved by Ultear who sacrificed her own life to turn back time. 

 He however is emotional about it because Ultear is UI’s bloodline. 

He is mad and saddened like he is when Fairy Tail is facing a conflict. Once again showing Gray is more emotional than people give him credit for. 

Gray here at that point has lost it. Thinking back on those episodes it makes sense for Gray to snap at some point. He has merely done it now, when in a war, after believing one of his guildmates died. Logically that makes sense and it is understandable. Getting to Natsu vs Gray fight. Ignoring that it doesn't make sense for the cause for Gray or the cause Canon says is what happened. The fight between them was more than out of character. Mainly for a point that Natsu has addressed before the war: 

Fighting when your friends are on the line isn't fun. 

Yes, they fight one another constantly. However it is really more accurate to say: Spar. It is described as this: 

If you spar with someone, you exchange light blows — either literally by punching each other, or figuratively by exchanging verbal blows. If you box, you might spar with an opponent at the gym while you're training. You don't strike too hard — it's just practice.

Or in other words, it's not serious. Gray and Natsu aren't trying to kill each other. The only reason it is mentioned is because Gray is clearly in a bad place there. He is having a breakdown. I also direct your attention to the fact that Gray tried to kill himself because he felt like shit over it. 

 You all know the scene.

[phoebeisempty]

Waste of time

Living feels like a waste of time

Living right now is going to work

Working a job I don’t care about

Enjoying the weekend and repeat

There’s 365 days in a year. Times that by however many years you get in your life and the majority is spent forced into school. Forced into work. Forced into mental illness. Forced into life.

I love my friends. I love my family. I love Partner and Best friend. I wasn’t outrageously bullied or abused by someone else. I’m an average height. And probably decently attractive from what I can tell. I can sing well and create quite well. My life is probably ideal or at least better than many peoples bare minimum ideals. But if I were given the choice to never have been born. There’s a good chance I’d take it.

I spent my entire school experience undiagnosed. Feeling “crazy”. When I was in elementary school I cried a lot. So much I’d have to get sent in the hall and go on a walk with Ms Snow. I don’t remember what she’d say but eventually I’d calm down. I don’t remember why I cried so much. But I heard it was because of assignments I couldn’t do. I remember the feeling of absolute confusion, disgust, fear, and pity. I knew I couldn’t do the assignment immediately and perfectly the first time so I couldn’t even try. My parents were told I’d grow out of it. I never did. Crying became shutting down which became breakdowns which became spirals of doom which became suicidal ideation.

At some point I began to lose to abilities to speak and move when I cried. Fear of failure? Rejection? Simply never being taught how to regulate emotions? I don’t know why I needed to be perfect. Maybe because my brother was smarter than me and my parents didn’t compliment me enough. I hated writing assignments. Topics I didn’t care about. Topics that made no sense. Topics based on my own opinions. Why did what I have to say matter all of sudden. I remember feeling ignored. Pushed into situations I clearly didn’t want. Told stranger danger but then told to order my own food. But not told how. What if I did it wrong. Why is it my fault I’m scared of the stranger behind the counter. Why can’t you just order my damn chicken nuggets for me like you always did. Why is everyone looking at me. Why are you mad that I’m crying. Cant you see that I’m afraid and confused. Help me.

I remember my dad focused on the computer often. My brother focused on legos. My mom focused on cooking. I remember talking and noticing they didn’t care.

Who is your hero? The worst writing prompt ever. Two kids completely unable to write this assignment. I never had a hero growing up. I didn’t look up to anyone. I followed my brother around and adapted a lot of his personality. I learnt exactly what I don’t want to be from my parents and everyone else but still, genetics and life has its ways.

I got to write about my best friend. But really, my dad wrote that assignment, aside from physically typing it.

Boring. Pointless. Confusing. Stupid. Why did my opinion matter all of a sudden. Why did people want to hear what I had to say now. And why did all those prompts suck.

My brain always went black. I had nothing to say. I had no words. It was like English and language didn’t exist anymore. I wonder if the failure in getting us to be bilingual aided in that. Or my future diagnosis.

When I got older, school got harder. More boring and pointless. Who the fuck cares about social studies. Math problems, science questions, social studies worksheets, the answers were always in front of you but sometimes I just couldn’t find them. Que the waterworks of eventual self hatred. Que the father unable to emotionally connect with anyone unless it’s anger. Que just another reason for my parents to fight.

I never got sent to my room like my brother. When shit went south I dipped out. Catch me crying in my room with my only emotional support. Stuffed animals. And the brain that would eventually develop poorly. I guess when I was young and couldn’t grasp concepts and ideas well, I’d cry it out, sleep it off, and hope no one was pissed off anymore cause my bedroom is now boring. Cute apparently. Army crawling with one of my support stuffies to see if the coast was clear and any enemies were just pedestrians now. Maybe that was the beginning of my desire to run away.

My brother had a hard life apparently. Bullied for our race. Bullied for seeming gay. Bullied for existing. We didn’t have good role models so his love life wasn’t helping the situation either. Crazy attracts crazy. Crazy enables crazy. He’s a hot mess. But at least that’s just another person to not end up like. If I really consider it, I guess I was bullied. Everyone likes to downplay it when it’s “girl drama” but I was always an easy target apparently. Maybe closet racism? Maybe I just radiate easy target. Maybe I already had no self respect and let it happen. Apparently. I’m a bitch. Rich bitch. Slut. Raging bitch. Asian bitch. Bitch. People with their own issues just love to walk all over me, I let them, and of course if I don’t. Bitch. Bitch either way. Live my own life but somehow they get intertwined. Bitch. As if I had enough mental capacity to be fucking people over. I was busy worrying about essays and getting perfect grades. Bitch.

I almost always got the guy. But aside from fearing parents finding out. Lack of education and awareness. And a declining self image. Getting the guy was more trouble than worth. I never felt attractive. Beautiful. Worthy. And every time my curiosity outweighed my anxiety, I’d get steamrolled by guilt and self hatred. Plus society loves to just crush woman for enjoy and experiencing anything.

I went through school bored and afraid. A constant downward spiral in emotional stability. I made connections and experiences. But my identity and self were lost.

Turns out I have ADHD. Turns out I may have BPD. I’m pretty sure I have or have been on the way to an eating disorder for years. I worked through the bad paralysis in shut downs, it’s still a struggle though. I moved a lot. Changed jobs a lot. Learned Chinese and comics and graphic novels. I’ve enjoyed a lot. Fucked a decent enough amount of men. Loved. Grieved. Laughed. Smiled. Cried a shit ton. Hurt a fuck ton.

I love my partner and I love my best friend. I love my friend groups. I don’t hate myself. I don’t hate my current job. I don’t like myself. I don’t like working. I don’t like crying. I don’t like my body. I don’t like this part of my life. I don’t like this society. I don’t like this world. I don’t like this life. There’s not enough time to be alive. There’s not enough time to enjoy the limited time you get. Living feels like a waste of time.

[erlenmeyertrash]

Once you get this, you have to say five things you like about yourself, publicly. Then you have to send this to ten of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool).

positivity IS cool my dude. and i’m going to extremely challenge myself by finding the time i did this MONTHS ago (e o n s) and making myself do five OTHER things. because self positivity is hella cool. oh queso

…now i’m mad because i already used two of the ones i thought of uGH

alsO get ready for the ramblies under the cut because :) i :) like :) to :) talk :) it’s just me fleshing out each one for literally no other reason that the aforementioned/extremely obvious love of the ramblies

the shortened version is: 1. i like that i want to fill spaces; 2. i like that i have an independent self from other people or ideas; 3. i like that i can both talk and listen; 4. i like that i’m not afraid to speak in public; and 5. i like that i have a life plan

1. i like that i want to fill spaces. i like that i have this section of my bedroom wall covered in sticky notes and notecards of quotes that i like; i like that i have this burning desire to decorate my new bedroom/living room when i move (in august i caNT WAIT) with a tapestry and pretty curtains and throw pillows and little plant bowls. i like that when i get my first house i already know i want nice-smelling candles in like every room and shelves full of books and mementos and pictures lining a hall or a shelf or two. i love designing or rearranging or making a space feel clean yet lived-in, and i love that i love it. 

2. i like that i have an independent self from other people. in the past, i’ve been the type of person to mold my personality to certain groups- from like second or third grade all the way up to last year, i remember doing it. it’s happened in past relationships, too. it’s like ‘oh, this person seems to like when i showcase X aspect of my personality, better Do That All The Time Forever Around Them.’ it’s negatively affected me at times, whether it’s been changing my personality/viewpoint on things to something i now regret (the whole Being Mean And Eternally Sarcastic/Aloof Is Cool in middle/early high school deal) or simply exhausting me from trying to be something that i am, but not totally am (pretending to always be happy when that’s physically impossible to do, thereby ignoring negative emotions and never properly dealing with them). i’m forever clingy and an incessant people-pleaser, but it morphed into attempting to change or hide parts of who i was in order to keep people around. i’ve only recently been strongly attempting to change this part of me by forcing myself first to realize it’s okay to be who i am, even if parts can seem contradictory (being social one day and wanting to be a recluse the next). i’m in a relationship rn (for those of you who remember That God-Awful Drama With Snow White, yes, it’s still the jo bro, he’s p darn cool), and i decided right off the bat to throw caution to the wind and totally be my weird self around him with changing moods and steadfast ideas. sometimes it makes me uncomfortable when our opinions clash, or self-conscious when my brain tells me “oh, he’s going to get tired of you being like X, you need to not do that/not tell him when you feel like this,” but i think it’s helped me grow as a person and made us closer. i’ve realized people who care about you will understand you can’t always or never be/feel a certain way and they’re totally fine with it. b a s i c a l l y i like that i ‘found’ who i was and have learned to be more accepting of it. and yes i could keep going with this :)))))

3. i like that i can talk (woahhh never woulda guessed right) and listen. i used to always feel like (and was told by some people) i talked Too Much™ and never listened to people. it made me feel ridiculously self-centered and try and shut myself up or exclude myself from conversations for fear of shutting others out. the issue was that i did enjoy listening to people; i think, looking back, part of it was just my age/maturity level!! and wanting to say the Perfect thing to be accepted and fit in to whatever group. now, i think i’ve found a more healthy balance. i’m more aware of when it is and isn’t a good time to have a longer discussion; i’m more capable of not interrupting (or if i do, apologizing and holding my tongue, and knowing they’re not crucifying me for it). i’m also able (and love) to sit back and listen to someone ramble about something they feel strongly about or have a unique opinion on. i think i like this about me because i like being heard- so much to where i realize others probably also like it, and i appreciate that i’m able to accommodate it from both perspectives.

4. (a continuation of 3 but still its own thing) i like that i’m not afraid (or. well. no longer completely terrified) to speak in public. sure it can freak me out sometimes; but i was in a high school organization (mock trail anyone? yeah r i p) that forced you to basically perform an hour-long improv show that combined acting with wits and being able to think on the fly (all while wearing a gross suit. like. cmon.). i was in charge of freak fracking closing arguments, which- if you’ve ever watched a Lawyer Show- is the one at the end where they have to make a persuasive speech to the jury entirely based on what transpired in the case. since the events of the case always changed based on your opponent/judge/etc., i had to prepare this five-minute speech as the case was going (while being involved in the case itself as an attorney) and then, once the case was over, immediately present it to the jury of (Real Actual Adult) attorneys. the first few times i did it, i was so scared. but when you’re forced to do something outside of your comfort zone enough times, your comfort zone can morph to accept it (note!!! that this is not me telling you to force yourself far outside of your comfort zone. you don’t see me signing up for Cliff Diving Camp here). it helped me learn how to better carry myself; i can tell it helped my conversational and debating skills, especially with superiors or adults who are More Adultish than me. it helped me learn how to cope better with the jumble of nerves i (still) get before speaking to multiple people or crowds. 

5. i like that i have a life plan. i especially like that i can modify parts of said plan and still believe that i can reach my goals and be happy and content with my life. the current plan is survive these next two years of college, apply to pharmacy school, get into pharmacy school, kick pharmacy school’s butt, and then get a rockin, well-paying permanent job with decent hours so i can play with Oggo and buy him Every Single Toy That Exists In The Universe.

3 and 4 combined have helped me learn how to be more assertive with my thoughts and self(™) and know how to get what i want- which in turn forced me to learn what the heck i wanted, therefore leading into 2 and 5 and discovering 1. and writing all this has made me realize that while i do still have issues with self-confidence, i actually really do like parts of who i am. so thank you anon for this lil burst of confidence on this fine saturday morning ily ♡♡♡

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 7 “It's a Hot Mess Express “ - Scott

People are so hard to work with. I get they don't like this challenge truly I do but I just wish they wouldn't keep shutting down every idea I had. It's... annoying. I get that I'm also the problem here. Because if an entire room full of people is saying you're wrong then you're probably wrong but still. I dislike being shut down. I've just been feeling kind of isolated since my name was written down. Even in my own alliance it seems like everyone thinks less of me for being paranoid. It doesn't help that I'm not entirely pop culture savvy so a lot of their convos I'm a bit out of the loop on. Part of me wonders if it's cause I'm in a male dominated environment? I don't think they are sexist but I do think that I'm being unintentionally ignored. Like throughout the duration of this confessional I have submitted 6 ideas/comments to the group and they've either been left in the dust or dismissed. That has to mean something right? Is it my personality? Did I come on too strong with my enthusiasm? Do they think I'm bossy? Socializing doesn't exactly come naturally to me. If anyone had met me 4 years ago you'd probably be in the know. You know that ability where you can pick up what people imply, whether through body language or through hidden meanings. I don't. I literally was born with out that ability and it has done whatever the opposite of wonders are for my life. At first I thought it was fine, I thought hey no big, everything is good, people like me eventually. But then I played Malaysia... A lot of great things came out of that game, a lot of good friendships and memories but in a way it sort of haunts me. When the confessionals came out, for the first time ever I saw what people thought about me. Sure they liked me eventually but they also disliked me. Like really really didn't like me at all. It was my first real interaction with people outside of the treatment school I went to, it was my first real interaction with the rest of the world and people hated my guts. Don't get me wrong I always suspected I was disliked but... to see their actual written thoughts on paper was hard. Of course as they got to know me they started to like me but I couldn't forget that it wasn't always like that. That at one point they looked at me or their screen or whatever and saw a pest. And that's my biggest fear, that I'm the problem. That no matter where I go people see me and are filled with dread or disgust. That people are always wishing me some from of ill because I'm bad at conversation or sort of creepy. Well at least they came to their own conclusions now, maybe they pulled their heads out of their asses or because it wasn't me they were actually able to function. God this spiraled, I only wanted to complain about how shitty my tribe was being not go on this full blown existential rant. Fuck me am I right? I'm not sure what this is going to contribute to the game. There is no hashtag big moves or fun comments but like I already typed this up so I'm not going to delete it like a pussy. 

Ok now we can talk whew. UMMMM not Connor fucking up Duncan's perfect record! Now that I'm over the shock, thank you Connor because I'm 95% sure that obsession is the reason Duncan did the most to make sure Devon voted me instead of him back on Thoth https://giphy.com/gifs/mamovie-stalking-octavia-spencer-eavesdropping-j5uEVYERR0ncYlJ36e Really pleased with how the game is shaping up tbh, assuming I don't lose another music video challenge hahaha. I would LOVE a final 3 with me, Ali, and Devon but I know that's a long way off so I'm just focusing on the here and now. My biggest concern is protecting Ali. Essentially Duncan hit me up to work with him, TJ, and Jordan and I was very much like lol not sure about that. Mainly because Jordan and I don't have a strong relationship? And Duncan was like yeah but he wants to get to know you better and I'm like https://giphy.com/gifs/week-wtf-moments-QjIz1AqkGTszK If that's the case, that needs to come from Jordan and then it's between me and Jordan. Why someone else is interceding on Jordan's behalf is very dicey to me but I'm not that surprised because that continues to be a theme with Duncan: getting me to fit into plans that best suit him. Y'all know DAMN well Jordan Pines don't wanna go to the end with me and the feeling is mutual. But I HAVE to make it work with Jordan or Duncan will get pissy. He literally was like ok well who are you close with and I felt a serious feeling in my gut to not mention Ali. So I said oh I talk to Adam a lot but I wouldn't say I trust Adam. So after telling Ali all of this lmao, we decided I needed to go back to Duncan and say yes because it would keep me in the know and keep both of us safe. Also it allows me to keep an eye on Jordan and Duncan at the same time so we truly stan. And the gag is I'm not scared of Jordan Pines and I welcome the challenge of getting him out so love yall for letting me in through the front door hahaha My new issue is just timing. We'll be ok if we win this next challenge but if not, I could see that alliance targeting Ali. Obviously I have a plan and will put the vote on someone else but I really want to prolong turning on that group for as long as I can. I don't wanna spook TJ and I know killing Jordan will leave me with a pissed Duncan and I really don't need that based on how seriously he's playing. So I'm hoping I can finesse somehow? Maybe one of them gets idoled out at merge and then a blindside on the other won't be as messy. But yeah I keep feeling like the walls are closing in, in terms of allies, and I'm working HARD to make sure I have an exit strategy at all times haha cause fuck these men I'm trying to win again. I "love everyone" which means I have no problem voting out anyone

So let me just make sure i got this right, connor tried to get people to vote for me, they all told me, he "planned" with me to go for liam, then....he votes for duncan and he goes home unanimously? little did he realize when he went around and gave a feeble attempt at rallying people to vote for me, i had already rallied everyone to go for him and made sure everyone knew he was a liar and couldnt be trusted, you know im a firm believer in loose lips sink ships and i absolutely used my big mouth as my weapon to sink his ship. Even if there turns out to be some majority alliance that did this all without me then well...i guess that's another story but im still taking my hard earned credit because either way i got what i wanted one way or another so im here for it, sorry gal! i now find myself in a position i hope i can make some moves with, duncan already just made a vague to comment to me about how "it only takes 4 now" which he's right, and he mentioned autumn, himself, me, and ali. Which, that's a 4 I would love to go forward with for the time being, i like to think ive had good genuine talks with them 3 in particular, and now we can start get together maybe lock something in and if we make it to a merge or even another swap we at least have something to work with with each other, but we'll see, we gotta focus on immunity first now, id love to win just to for sure see any of the other people who lied to me go home oop so while i may be feeling ok now i just have to remember to simmer down and play smart and make the right connections with the right people i need and saying the right things to whomever needs to hear it, because that's what i do best in these type of games to stay alive, i feel like my intuition has been leading me ok so far this game so im just gonna keep basing my decisions off that and charging forward PERIOD and ill damn sure do it with or without the help of the tomb because a bitch can not get in ive tried over and OVER at this point im back to pounding on the door of it just hoping if im annoying enough yall will let me in!

i'll do a proper game confessional later but me and dan are both judges for the svalbard music video challenge and its so sad that we cant talk... its like... this could be us working on a music video if things were different kjlsdfa its missing dan and jake hours

Whew! Sorry about that what happened was I ran out of anxiety meds a few days and that rant was the commutation of being with out sanity pills for three days! Everything is fine! I am fine! People are fine! I am sorry to the future Thoth 2.0 tribe, you are all great, I just get very spirally when I am without some sort of stabilizing force! Sorry to the hosts for using this as a diary this is not a diary this is survivor... Anyway this time I have some more constructive things to add! Okay so things are fine. Dan and I continue to bond, though he had to call me out on being bad at communication in order for our relationship to progress. I get it was like a check point or whatever and frankly I appreciated it. Like I said in my rant yesterday I have massive paranoia when comes to interacting with people and whether they like me or not, so constructive feedback while annoying is always helpful. Plus through research I found that he values a good social game so the fact that he's reaching out and telling me what I'm doing wrong is probably a sign that I'm not a lost cause :D. It turns out we have a few mutual friends our lord and savior John Coffey and also Sarah,... Lynn to be specific there are like a shit ton of Sara(h)s so should probably clarify lol. I want to work with him. I know he's in the majority alliance with the brawn tribe, which also contains Jakey and Jordan. Considering the fact that the beauties are slowly but surely getting eliminated, their favor would be helpful to me and mine. However, I know for sure that one of them wrote my name down. Honestly probably both of them. I know I keep harping on this fact but I just really really don't like the idea of looking like an idiot by aligning with someone who wanted me dead or wanted to fuck with me. If we do lose this challenge we are going to have to figure out who to keep or who to eliminate, I feel like it should be between those two. Mostly because I'm not exactly comfortable with a brawn majority. Like I know how people are saying tribe lines don't matter and while they don't, advantages do. And what more advantageous than being in a majority alliance? If we get rid of a brawn that would make it 4 brains- 4 beauty - 5 brawn. Which seems a bit more fair lol. Also RIP Connor remember how I said he was a threat? Welp I guess this is why they don't ask me for cast assessments :/ and also cause I was dead for like several years.

absolutely nothing has happened in fact i was kinda in a ~mood~ today so i feel like my social game took a big L because i didnt feel like talking to anyone and i was busy so i kept being that bitch to responding once an hour ..... but in other news i finally accessed the tomb, and once i started using more than one brain cell at a time i was able to get in and it was actually about 10x easier than i was making it out to be im not sure WHY i was struggling so much but of course, to no surprise i finally get in and the pedestal is empty AGAIN. Now there's not only at least 1 idol from the last time i went in the tomb gone, but there's possibly a second too, if not an advantage that can easily be played against me. At this point all i can do is try and recover a little bit, tomorrow ill have to just try more with my conversations and hopefully one of the people i can somewhat trust is the person who has whatever was in their time time around but probably not, it's never that easy

okay so i have a video confessional from earlier uploading which is kind of a recap of the last two rounds BUTTT!! liam just finished editing our video and i love it!! he did so good and our tribe all tried our best... im just hoping the other tribe didn't go bananas all out, because if they didn't we should hopefully win... i really wanna win immunity because otherwise i feel like adam is gonna be the vote and i dont want that anymore KJASDFA. i would just be sad because idk who the alternative would even be.... so basically we better win immunity KJLSADFA

Me: Alright everyone, make sure you film horizontally!!! Devon: Fuck you

Honestly!!! I take back what i said about Kendall. I feel like we’re making some strides to work together??? Or she’s playing me? I’m hoping to stir a Devon vote this round because I think he threw the vote on Kendall to piss me off, but who knows. I wanna talk to Jakey and see what he thinks about a me/him/augusto/Amir alliance to get through this vote? Idk I trust him but who knows!!!! Maybe everyone is lying to me??? 

okay... i know i said god is a woman and her name is autumn but its time for the remix. god is a woman and her name is alyssa's mum because alyssa's mum just rescued us from defeat in that challenge JKASDF the judges were kinda unnecessarily harsh but we move on. basically for the other tribe's tribal, i hope jake/dan/devon live... hopefully another scary old school person goes but tbh who knows what is going to happen?! im just so happy to have made f13, i said i'd come 14th in my intro so we love surpassing my own expectations

the immunity challenge went well, we won, which is good because i just didnt feel like going to tribal council because im honestly unsure what the hell is going on, i wanted to feel good about the connor vote because obviously that was my plan from the start however he just made it a little too easy by not talking to a lot of people allegedly, up until right before the vote, i dont think there'd be an easy vote next time we go to tribal, unless ... it's me... am i the easy vote?? i wanna really think im not but its just always too quiet to me when we dont go to tribal there's also lots of talk and speculation about a possible merge at 13, but me and my vivid imagination aka paranoia think maybe another swap of some sort could still happen even if for just another round or 2, i never knew with you sneaky hosts!! also i know we won in the challenge but we wouldve won in the challenge by even more if liam used more footage of my video i sent in i feel like i got no screentime!!! but of course i kept my big mouth shut for once because there's no i in team so ill try not to throw too much of a diva fit but listen... i tried to give yall a DEATH DROP, and i pulled a wig ruveal by snatching off my hat, and i was giving you a whole tik tok dance i made myself..... but there was no way i was doing more than beyonce's part so he didnt have much to work with so touche .... the full version i made will just be deleted scenes for myself ill reflect on when im more mature and think to myself "what the fuck was i doing?" 

So not to my surprise, we end up losing the challenge AGAIN!! I've just accepted that I really don't have any luck in this game. I was really hoping that we'd just win every challenge until the merge because I'm over going to tribal and voting people out. I feel like going to the amount of tribal councils that I have has left a huge target on my back. But at the same time, I'm playing the game more than other are. Maybe I have that going for me, who knows. Anyways, the Thots alliance is deciding on either Devon or Dan for this vote. I basically told them I was good with either, even though I would perfer to keep Devon so that I at least have more of an opportunity to rebuild our relationship. I've made it very clear that if the group as a whole wanted to do Devon that I'd write his name down to prove that I trust this group moving forward. So we decide to go with Dan for this vote, and this doesn't really sit well with Jakey. I'm not surprised by that, since I know he's wanted Kendall out for awhile now. But he is really adamant that he doesn't want Dan to go. Which I get, he thinks that Dan would trust him moving forward. When it comes to Dan though, his social game lacks so much that it's like "I don't even know if I can trust him moving forward". And I think the fact that Jakey more so wants to target Kendall this round instead of Dan is a strong sign for me. I'm pretty positive he has an idol since the brain one has been found and he's lied to me about clues before. So this has me thinking, maybe it's a good time to get Jakey out this round? Thinking about it numbers wise for the future, we don't really need Jakey's vote for a majority this round since the four beauties and myself makes 4, and if we bring in Devon that's 5. Plus, I don't even think that Jakey's under the impression that he would... get voted out this round. He seems offly confident that he's staying, just that Dan's going. But I like to think he'd let Dan be a sinking ship and go.. Idk I'm gonna try to pitch this to Amir and see what he thinks. I kind of tried to hint around it to Augusto that Jakey wasn't cool with it, but Augusto kind of turned a blind eye at that. And I don't trust Kendall with my thoughts since she's very blunt... so I wouldn't be surprised if she leaked my plans. Similarly to what Devon did when I voted him out last week. I'm hoping that Amir will see where I'm coming from and that he might be open to that concept. For all I know, I could be voted out this round. And honestly, that'd be the smart move for them to make because my perception in the game so far has been pretty spot on. I think my self awareness this time around has been an asset for me, so I'm hoping that I can get by this vote and hopefully enter the merge soon. 

Coming back into the game, I knew I needed to open up a bit and start to Slither earlier than I would imagine. After throwing a vote onto Kendall, I broke down any chance between the Beauty and Brawn working together to knock out myself and Scott. I haven't told anyone about my vote, and don't plan to. Going into this vote, Dan should be the obvious choice. OG Brawn hasn't suffered any additional losses in numbers, and I'm just too close with Augusto/Amir/Kendall to consider flipping. In preparation of tonight NOT being a swap, I established an alliance with Amir and Augusto. They are a duo in every sense, but attaching myself to them sets up the opportunity to at least CONSIDER voting out Scott next round. It would have to be between him and Scott. 

All I got to say is oof… I genuinely thought I was on vacation after the last round like I’ve been SO bad about talking to people or at least that’s how I felt cause I was operating at 60% instead of the 110% I do when I socialize. That being said, I have my goals that I want to stick to and see happen. Dan needs to leave this tribal so I can get Jakey out next even if Dan leaving makes me really sad. Dan leaving takes a number away from the Brawn and a number away from Jakey, who I am able to get out by keeping Devon and having him/Kendall/myself/Amir vote for him if we happen to lose again. The alliance of me/Kendall/Amir/Jakey/Scott went on call last night and it was deadass an hour and a half long call where everyone was like “idk who should go but I’m fine with whatever” although… that certainly wasn’t the case. I, personally, made points that were pro-Devon such as Devon not having any clear allies to reunite with at merge and things like that and EVENTUALLY at the last 5 minutes of the call, we decided that Dan leaving is the better option. Scott and I even discussed a Brawn having to go before we even did the call so yeah. One thing I could tell though? Jakey was not having it. I understand his frustration but you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I voted out AJ to prove that I am not here to play by tribal lines and you said you would do the same but here we are… Amir called me last night telling me about how Jakey was trying to strong arm him into voting Devon out because Jakey didn’t want to do Dan… like sir, I’m? I’m very happy that Amir came to me and confided in me to kinda spill out his emotions like that makes me <3 but it also made me wanna pop off at Jakey because I don’t like those approaches in games hgfjdks even if I do really like Jakey, I was just ugh gjfdks. That aside, I feel like I am doing good about getting information and building friendships out here like I’m DEADASS is almost every single alliance on the tribes I’ve been a part of and while I don’t get tons of info from direct sources (ie. Jakey), I get the information from close allies (ie. Amir) which in a way can be even better? That being said, I’ve been way too good at forming friendships that every vote makes me feel really bad? With Dan for example, I adore that man like even if he isn’t the most talkative he’s just amazing. But does Dan benefit my game as much as Devon? Not really, even if Dan wanted to align. I’m sticking to my promise of doing what I have to do and be a little bit more cutthroat than I usually am because I do genuinely want to win this game and I’ll do what it takes to get there. Honestly, I’d be SHOOK if we do not merge next round or the round after ghfjdksm but I’m just trying to plan ahead and look at my connections. My Thoth connections are Amir > Kendall > Devon > Scott > Jakey whereas my Hathor connections are Autumn > Duncan > Adam (?) > TJ > Jordan > Liam M > Ali. If we do merge, making a secret thing with Autumn would be KEY just to have another person in my corner but also I need to connect with a Brawn to be good with them yknow? It’ll definitely be interesting and I can see the merge being messier than a taco bell bathroom BUT I’m hyped at the same time?

How is it already Day 16? There seems to be something seriously wrong with that. Anywho, I've let myself take a quick step back on the social game these last few days. I think I've put in the work to cement a couple strong groups here and can put myself in a good spot, but now I can avoid being the person that probably would be seen as a huge threat in the near future. Once merge hits (which I'm hoping is this next round), I'm going to have to go back to bringing that social game to a 9 (10 is where the Alyssa threat level begins), but right now I'm hopefully putting myself in a good place. In the event we don't have a merge and have one more vote on Hathor, I really think I need to make a move on Ali. I realize I keep saying this and I'm going to feel awful when he sees this all, but he is such a HUGE threat, and I can't let him skate by to where there's no room to stop him. I made that mistake last time in letting the person I knew would win get too far without me being able to stop them. Not this time. Ain't no fucking way.

This may very well be my last confessional lmao. I’m just feeling very paranoid about this vote and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone votes for me except for Jakey. Or if he even flips to the majority against me. And honestly! I’ve come to terms with it. I really tried my best in the game and I can’t be mad about how I performed in this game specifically. I understand I’m a threat in these games and if people are worried about me end game, quite frankly they should be. I know that I’ve played Tumblr Survivor one too many times and should have quit while I was ahead. I know I’ve talked about working with Kendall and killing Devon, but honestly idk who is voting where. I think I’m going to try to just go with what I think is majority (against Kendall) and just hope to god I’m not going anywhere. I hate having this defeatist attitude, but if I get voted out I’m going to have zero hard feelings and take it in stride. I guess I’m just not cut out to win tumblr survivor ❤️

Our video was so iconic, SHOUT OUT TO ALYSSA'S MOM!!! I should really be making sure im fortifying the bonds i've made but im really just happy to be on break and not have tribal. I've only been to tribal once within a 7 day time span instead of the 4 times in 7 days the brains endured before. I will say i was positively shook to get the vote from connor, but i never thought i could play a perfect game anyways lol. I'm hoping to god that dan or jakey go, i dont want the brawns over here to have other options than autumn and i come merge. Im surprised at myself because im starting to really want to stick with all these people come a merge, i suppose we'll see how it goes and how my attitude changes moving forward. 

Sooooooo I actually felt kind of bad about voting for Dan until he was throwing my name out :/ I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I'm kind of nervous now. Like Jakey told me this and he did the same thing to AJ. Also I haven't heard anything from Scott yet... that's sketchy right? Ugh I swear if I'm voted out then Alyssa's mom, I will meet you in the Denny's Parking lot for a fight. I'm not afraid to throw hands at the elderly, ask Drew. 

We love when men listen to me an in turn we win immunity! This is now the second time that's happened lmao cause I sure did make everyone commit to a time block so we didn't play ourselves in the endurance challenge and I sure did suggest Telephone as the song choice so wooooo Not a lot has happened and I don't have a lot of time to talk to begin with but I have a strong feeling we are not merging tonight lmao. Tbh I look forward to another day on Hathor it's very chill over here, all things considered. Also I need a couple chill challenges the next two rounds cause ya girl is moving, graduating, and leading an underground movement all at the same time so don't set me up with a crazy time-consuming challenge lol

I feel vindicated. Starting off in this game, I was not doing so well gameplay wise. Flash forward, I've been a big contributor physically, and socially too! I've got big plans, and I will carry this tribe again if I have to!

(may've already submitted this but i'm worried i submitted it for day 18?)

Also...

ok let me just start by saying: im in an emotionally FRAGILE state at the moment writing this right after the winners at war finale.....SPOILERS IF YOU HAVENT SEEN BUT I HAVE TO SAY IT....NATALIE AND WINCHELE ROBBED, as inspired as i am by my aries sistren natalie and think she should've won, im even more upset for my fellow beauty sister michele because lowkey? i absolutely LOVE the way michele plays, because in my own head at least i like to think i at least play slightly similar, i like to lay low and just adapt to where i see i can fit the best, anywho thats all ill say on that, back to THIS game dan being voted out last round, was kinda meh, i had the tiniest conversation with him during one world and he did end up giving me some tea about the brawns, but i couldve easily tried working with him later on against the beauties, PLUS him leaving means that none of those false beauties left, which is bad for me because i want them all gone oop and ive worked hard over here trying to make sure everyone knows they are threats even if theyre not working together, they went against me and lied to me, which means i cant trust them or work with them, which means i need to make sure no one else does either it's very nice though duncan has approached me and asked who i was comfortable with incase we did go to tribal and he said him and jordan pines were pretty close and honestly jordan is the only one ive been on a call with this whole game which is fine because anyone who knows me knows i dont care for calls much in this game and that usually hurts me so im hoping its not hurting me this time but truly, im not sure people are approaching me way more with information and plans then they ever have so im hoping thats a good sign, espcially with duncan saying he basically wanted me to be in the know with him, i think i can trust him as of now going foward and i hope the same about jordan pines, because first of all i love his energy and him as a person my fellow stoner crackhead, and second of all let's be real i definitely want to use him as a shield later on cmon the guy has a season named after him, forget denise being the queen slayer, i want to be the king tamer also in good with ali and autumn i think?? i personally enjoy my short little convos i have with them frequently so i just hope we're on the same page, but idk the little voice in the back of my head is telling me it all seems too good to be true almost like a perfect illusion and maybe duncan is tricking me trying to talk to me about "keeping this tribe strong", so i guess we'll have to wait until the next time we go to a tribal together to find out so yeah in conclusion, sorry to dan, and plot twist of the century im rooting for jakey to not be voted out the other tribe? even though im still convinced he could be making me his number 1 target especially if he gets in kahoots with kendall, but im hoping i played them against each other enough during the one world so that didnt happen 

What do ya know....another tribal council. After only being exempt from one tribal, this has become somewhat of a routine. I am extremely confident in the numbers this round. I'm under the belief that everyone will be writing down Jake's name, and Jake will likely be writing down my/Kendall's name. Still, I believe there is a worry about idols. I would hate to be idoled out by Jake after everything I have worked towards...I can't afford to throw my vote on Kendall or Scott with the merge coming up so soon, because it fractures my game going into a potential merge...Somewhat of a "all or nothing" bet tonight.

Me @ the brawns who have been on this tribe: https://media.giphy.com/media/szPZ2NXIGCMcE/giphy.gif

So a couple new developments: 1. Jordan offered me a final two which I'm sooooo excited to see how that's going to turn out. I've really connected with Jordan this game (which admittedly I didn't think would happen before this game), but he's been the person I've confided in the most out here. So I really think this is going to be the start of something amazing. 2. With this F2 deal, Jordan told me that Amir/Jakey knew each other outside of this game. This is bad for me both because Jakey is supposed to be my other guy with Jordan, but also Amir is the person I'd want to target come merge (which should be next round). I have zero connection to him, he's proven to be good at comps, he's won this game before, and he doesn't add into my plan of having numbers on every side. So now I'm in a spot where I think I'll probably have to make a move against potentially my closest / other closest ally in this game. Being safe right before the potential merge feels amazing and opens a lot of opportunities, but is extremely scary knowing who is going to merge. Hopefully come to merge, I have a chance at the merge idol to avoid anyone else having the chance at getting it, because I need some added knowledge in this game.

I am so fucking pissed at Devon. WHY ARE YOU ON THE BRAINS IF YOU HAVE NO BRAIN CELLS!!!!!!! dsfjkaafkjdaldjfjadksjads Great now I get to die!

I don't know why Jakey wants to kill me. I am not a threat. Like at all? Most of the strategies I come up with are bad and I am barely social? Sure I guess I can win like a challenge or two but not enough to be physical? I mean I'm trying to kill him but like... honestly he started it 2 rounds ago. I am a paper tiger worse I am a paper giraffe. Sure I'm tall but basically harmless and only sort of evil. At least I remember why I hated him so much. I don't hate him NOW, I'm 22 years old I have better things to do then hate some guy for trying to win a game. But I am annoyed and inconvenienced by this. Maybe a little hurt too because the only reason I can think to get voted out is because my personality sucks so much that he doesn't see a future where we can work together. Which is fair I guess? But I can't be that awful right? God this game is a constant existential crisis... Also I think people are annoyed with me for being paranoid and shit. Oh I'm sorry people who's name isn't getting written down, I'm sorry I'm not more pleasant while I'm in fear for my metaphorical life. 

It’s a MESS ITS A FUCKING MESS SCOTTIE WANTS DAN OUT DAN WANTS DEVON JAKEY WANTS DEVON DEFON WANTS DAN AUGUSTO AND KENDALL WANT JAKEY AMIR WANTS NOT JAKEY OR AUGUSTO OR KENDALL I literally don’t have number in this game and I’m going to get fucked on at the merge 

Okay so Augusto basically told him that his name was an option for this vote or the next one and Kendall told him that the brawns are bringing up his name and said that he was the throw away vote So now my gut is telling me dan did it and jakey was in on it But I don’t care, if that’s the case Everyone on this tribe wants a brawn out, EVERYONE I just have to make sure it’s not jakey Because Augusto and Kendall want jakey now and I refuse it Rn it seems they r okay doing dan It seems everyone is cool doing dan So I’m happy with that

Jakey is fucking strong arming me r u joking Ndbdjdjsns Jakey talked to scottie And got scottie to want devon So now they’re gonna try and call the alliance tmmrw and change to vote back to devon over dan And if Augusto and Kendall don’t want to Jakey wants to pull brain and brawn to vote kendall like sir I’m literally getting strong armed, and he can’t see why people want dan out I could make a move rn But should I even I probably shouldn’t If they try to get kendall I will flip it on him 

don’t know what to do I’m pleading so hard with jakey rn like hey it’s not good for me to go into merge with 6 brawn 4 beauty (dysfunctional) and 3 brain (dysfunctional) And I said I want to do dan is that okay like jakey u need to choose a side, brawns, or this tribe And he goes If u decide to do dan Then I’m gonna unite dan and Scott and Devon and vote kendall So if that’s the case, I’m sending u home theres no way around it then

Throw back to last night when I hung up on jakey to call Augusto and told jakey that I was taking a shower but literally I was gone for an hour and needed an excuse fast so I told him i shaved my ass call that strategic ass shaking 

Okay so this tribal. Everyone on my tribe thinks jakey is evil and he’s just going to go back to the brawn tribe, which is like, wtf, he literally voted in minority on purpose and gave us leverage on him. Like he literally has put himself on the line multiple times. He ratted out the brawn majority over and over. Like jakey is not loyal to the brawns on the other side at all. The people on this tribe don’t give a shit and my opinion isn’t being heard at all, Kendall won’t budge and Augusto won’t budge, and Scott wants to keep devon. Can I just say scott is a rat, he is playing every single person. Jakey trusted him soooo much . Anyway, everyone wants jakey out for literallt no reason and jakey trusts me 100% and jakey is the best way to get info from the brawns on the other side. Anyway, KDJDKSN KDNDKD we are getting dirty. Jakey has an idol. And I told him he was the vote and I made it sound like it’s all Scott’s decision cuz I’m really tight with Kendall and Augusto, so now, jakey wants to idol out Scott Basically, it’s time for a cluster fuck and it’s time for chaos So at merge jakey and I will play from Opposite sides

so jakey fking tried to flip the vote and he blew up the 5 person alliance to devon and hes fucking up my game so much nkwejfnkew god maybe i will try and get him out at merge even tho i love him, i basically had to ccreate this narrative that jakey thinks that me jakey scott and devon are voting kendall but jakey is actually voting out scott jesus christ thi round gave me a migraine i have a case of the lie-abetes

I- there's nothing else to say hahaha the boys don't even talk game. So when I know something y'all will know something

People are paranoid as hell about a merge. What is there to be paranoid about, honestly? I've just tried to come into this game and have a good time and I think I've achieved that. No one is really looking at me as a threat right now, and there's still plenty of time left to play.

okay so i filmed a video confessional earlier which i will upload but adam just woke me up to the fact that we might be merging tonight?! which is so exciting and kinda crazy.... and the days line up with montenegro for us to be merging... at merge i think all my "laying low" can finally be for something and i can transition the bonds i've been making into making stuff happen. i've also been hosting a game during these quarantine times and i've realised people that do too much making SUCH deep bonds during the early stages become the people the jury is mad at in the endgame. i feel like im the middle ground, people feel close to me (and I would like to think I've come across as likable) without everyone thinking im their soul sister closest ally. at merge i think my "close" people who i can somewhat rely on are: autumn, jake, dan(?), jordan(?) and adam? like i have a core of people with various connections, which gives me some cover. its just about then feeling out the rest and seeing who i can trust amongst the rest... particularly the unknowns of augusto/kendall/scott/amir (assuming they are all at merge). like that is going to be the most important part of the merge stage for me, is figuring out which of them i can trust (and i do think dan and/or jake's opinions can help with this, because brainstorming with autumn helped me figuring out this hathor swap tribe).

i'm excited for merge... i do think i have early juror written all over me but i am also very excited. its time to emerge from the shadows and stumble my way into the light

live fast die young merge boots do it well. i literally am a clown, i got excited by my guess going so well and now i literally am a target the size of the sun exclusively because of my own actions what was i thinking KJASDFA honestly at this point? i embrace it, i push the 'im a shield' narrative and i trot on my little trotters to being mayor of ponderosa. this season i chopped of my own head so will not be the winner and the king, but hopefully i can be a kingmaker? also if me winning the tiebreak sends jake home i literally will be so unspeakably frustrated with myself i will literally... scream. HE PROBS HATES ME. i'm praying he lives i will feel so bad if he doesnt KLASDF

i literally... can not believe i am so stupid my lack of braincells really boggles my mind

So I was really hoping that we would win this challenge today because I like everyone on this tribe. But of course with my luck in this game, we lose AGAIN. And it's a shame because I like the Thots Alliance and i feel bad voting out Devon. I know he's someone who trusts me and although I don't 100% trust him, I know that he's someone I can depend on. Plus he makes a really good goat at the end, so it'll make winning more of an obstacle for me without him there. To my surprise however, Kendall and Augusto approach me with the idea of voting out Jakey. I really like Jakey and I practically see him as my #1 here, so voting him out would be difficult for me to do as well. We've discussed the idol together, he gave me his CBS all access account info to watch the finale, and hes one of the very few smart people in this game. So on a personal level, this is a hard decision to make. However, from a game perspective, it might be the right call. Jakey's setting himself up to be a swing vote at the merge, and the fact that he campaigned for Dan to stay and was adamant on not voting him out shows that. When it comes to Devon and I, I would prefer to not vote Devon out but if I needed to in order to show that I trust an alliance moving forward I would. So the fact that Jakey doesn't see it like that is alarming to me. In addition to that, I know that Jakey has lied to me multiple times in this game. He purposefully gave me the wrong idol clue for one of the matches, and when I called him out on it he bluffed it up. On top of that, I know for a fact that he voted for Kendall during the AJ vote. And the fact that he's trying to play it off on Devon goes to show the lengths he would go to make sure he controls everything. And on top of that, he wants us all to tell Devon straight up that he's going. Like... did he not learn from my story when I tried to do that? It can't happen. From a game perspective, voting out Jakey is the more logical choice to make. He can navigate better in a group of people and is aware of whats going on. Devon on the other hand, doesn't even know where the idol is or how to look for it. Devon is someone who you can take into a merge and know what he's going to do. Jakey is more unpredictable. And I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to rally up troops to blindside me when that time came. From a personal perspective, I prefer that Devon goes just because of the lack of trust between us and the fact that I don't ever see myself fully trusting him. Sadly I have to lose this battle in order to win the war at the end. So I'm going to vote Jakey out tonight and really hope that it doesn't come to bite me in the but or that he doesn't play his idol (i know he has one, its obvious with how paranoid he's been)

Guess I’m gonna cry because we lost… by a tiebreaker… it was sad. I feel especially awful because had I not made the mistake of repeating a name on my list during my 8th guess, we could’ve very well have won… but no one needs to know that! It just blows because going into a potential merge in a 7-5 scenario is NOT it. Plus like, their only vote was a unanimous vote for Connor which like… love Connor, but a rock could vote Connor out. I wanted to see tension, I wanted to see idols played, I wanted to see hands thrown, I wanted to see lines drawn, and I wanted to see messiness but all I ended up seeing? Disappointment. I hate it here deadass (‘:

Aside from being kinda sad we lost, I do feel super secure. Last round, I wanted Dan to leave to get rid of Brawn numbers and have the best chance to get Jakey out and now I have that! I know Amir is on the fence but I know Kendall and Devon would be all for it (Scott is as well, but I didn’t really know how much he’d be about it until this round) so it needs to happen. While I adore Jakey as a person and we’ve connected a lot, our strategic games don’t align at all since he doesn’t tell me much of anything? Most of his info goes to Amir or Scott and I’m being selfish here but I want all the tea (‘: plus him playing double agent with the Brawns at merge is not what I need if we’re going into the merge with not enough numbers. Not only that but Adam is a wildcard in terms of if he’ll work with me or not but Jakey being there with us makes it so Adam wouldn’t want to so there’s that. Girl… i sound like a whole ass gamebot wtf ghfdjnms

It’s so weird like I am extremely proud of the game I am playing but I still feel inadequate as a player? I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others because I’m ME but my two closest allies (Kendall, Amir) are playing so much better? Amir is able to get all the tea in the world and form those important game connections which I don’t feel like I can yknow? With Kendall, she is just so bold (and beautiful) with her gameplay in a way I could never like she doesn’t mind being the secondary target, she talks to everyone and talks game with everyone, and stuff like that. So in a way, I’m probably not a major threat to people because those two icons are here BUT I also don’t know if that’ll make me seen like a non-factor… that’s just how I feel going into merge and it’s kinda mehhh idk ;-;

MERGE IS COMING. TOnight actually, people are speculating, but im the only one with the certainty that its tonight and im feeling wonderful. I think if I play my cards right Im gonna have a lot of options come merge. God pending Kendall does not die tonight (hopefully her beauties keep her alive) im gonna suggest we secret pair beware this shit and tsart working from opposite sides to keep each other safe. That will allow me to pick of people Im not working with, while hopefully ensure that people im not with who are with her will be detered from targeting me. Thats my plan but who knows what the true dynamics of merge will be. Ive been playing quiet so far but im about to become the star of teh show, my ego just cant take it.

i really feel like by getting a five i got jake voted out and i want to scream i literally am gonna be out for blood if he goes

[writingguide003-blog]

Forget Dystopias, These Sci-Fi Writers Opt For Optimism Instead

New Post has been published on https://writingguideto.com/must-see/forget-dystopias-these-sci-fi-writers-opt-for-optimism-instead/

Forget Dystopias, These Sci-Fi Writers Opt For Optimism Instead

Its hot, and youre walking. Shuffling, actually. Youve spanned a seemingly endless chalk-dry plane, and youre thirsty, run-down, exhausted. You think about your flaking, parched lips and aching muscles, and about how your arduous journey will be worth it if you ever reach your destination. An immigrant, youre searching for a new place to live, because the place you call home has become barely livable. Youre thinking about the hot dirt sweat-caked on your skin when youre interrupted by an even greater pain — your tooth, recently implanted with a geo-location chip, is practically vibrating. This means youre close.

So begins Madeleine Ashbys short story, By the Time We Get to Arizona, published last year in Hieroglyph, a collection of science-fiction stories meant to inspire readers about the possibilities the future holds, rather than invoke fear about impending societal doom. Solutions to climate change catastrophes abound in the series; so do suggestions for jumping forward in our approach to space exploration technologies. Ashbys story — a spinoff of her Masters thesis on making border security more humane — explores a world where guns and guards are replaced by sensors and facial recognition technology.

Conceived of by Neal Stephenson — a celebrated writer whose most recent novel ventures a guess at what post-Earth diplomacy might look like — Hieroglyph showcases a growing crew of writers who, by commission or by choice, present sunnier alternatives to the now-prevalent, Hunger Games-fueled dystopia trend. These arent the stifling factions of Divergent or the heart-pounding twists and turns of The Maze Runner; they arent the bleak worlds crafted by Margaret Atwood or even the fable-like, anti-technology morals embedded in movies like Wall-E. Although many of the stories in Hieroglyph highlight societal problems, they have technological solutions to those problems embedded within them.

The anthology, along with the few others like it, was divisive in the science-fiction community. One camp, headed up by Stephenson, holds the belief that scientists and engineers could use a positive push from the writers whose job it is to imagine what the future will look like. Writers, Stephenson asserts, have a responsibility not only to confront social problems, but to provide potential solutions, too. So, a socially disheveled community like The Hunger Games Panem might feature a technology that allows citizens to communicate with each other, and fight back. Because these writers are using their fiction to provide solutions to contemporary problems, many necessarily couch their stories in grim scenarios the characters must escape from. Sexism, racism and classism are addressed, if subtly.

This doesnt sit well with the other school of readers and writers, who lament the days when an interstellar story was a joyride, whizzing quickly past social justice issues towards thrilling plot twists. One particularly rabid breed of decriers are the writers who make up a group called the Sad Puppies, who banded together during The Hugo Awards to stack the vote against minority and women writers. The problem, they claim, is that the science-fiction community has prioritized social justice and diversity, ignoring superior prose and more inventive stories as a result. Science-fiction, they say, is about fun. Its about escaping the problems of the real world through otherworldly scenarios — including dystopias — in which a central hero implausibly conquers evil alone, rather than with the aid of collective thinking and the useful technologies that arise from it.

The future of science-fiction — which, if George Orwells Nineteen Eighty-Four or Aldous Huxleys Brave New World are indicators, runs parallel with the future of science and technology on our own planet — probably lies somewhere on the vast, auroral spectrum between these two approaches. So, its worth examining both, and the groups of writers propelling them.

***

Now is not a time for realism, Margaret Atwood said in a recent interview with NPR, succinctly summarizing why so many literary writers flock to fantasy, to dystopia, to amplifying the threat of impending problems — environmental and political — that arent yet a reality.

Though the genre has seen a spike in popularity within teen-centric reading communities, its seeped into the realm of grown-up storytelling more than ever. Which isnt to say its unfamiliar territory for writers of adult literary fiction. In fact, dystopian stories began, arguably, with a weird, little book written by Mary Shelley in 1826 thats since become a beloved classic: The Last Man. The story centers on a plague-addled Europe, where a man named Lionel struggles to survive alongside various extant communities. Theres a false messiah, political turmoil, and all the other makings of a present-day dystopia. Though Shelleys book wasnt recognized until the 1960s, others like it by Jules Verne and H.G. Wells surfaced shortly thereafter, spawning a sub-genre of writing that asks timeless questions about human nature, and how it responds to dire, life-threatening scenarios.

But today, with a few notable exceptions (Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel, Gold Fame Citrus by Claire Vaye Watkins), popular dystopian stories have lost a bit of their original complexity. They tend to be thinly cloistered morality lessons, better suited for young readers. Rather than highlighting the nuances of human interactions, they tend to generalize, and draw hard lines between good and evil.

Why are more and more adult literary writers, and adult literary fiction readers, opting into the rather nihilistic and juvenile genre? Its a quandary posed again and again by columnists, providing more questions than answers — perhaps because the answer is hazy. It could be that the genre distracts readers from present realities, or provides a puzzle-like, limited scenario for a protagonist to work through, so different from the more fractured plot of real life. Or, it could be that our present realities seem increasingly fantastical, due to the quick proliferation of disastrous events filling our Twitter feeds alongside our friends quotidian musings.

Madeline Ashby believes its the latter.

There are elements of dystopia in everybodys lives, she said in an interview with The Huffington Post. Remember the Christmas protests in Ferguson? Theres this image of riot police under this big electrified, Seasons Greetings banner. If you search for Ferguson plus Seasons plus Greetings, youll find the picture. I found it, and I tweeted in all caps, WHY DO SO MANY KIDS LOVE DYSTOPIA? HM, I WONDER.

Ashby cites her own dystopia-like governmental interactions as inspiration for many of her sci-fi stories, including By the Time We Got to Arizona. In 2006, she immigrated to Canada, and says the process, for her, was dehumanizing.

My immigration took over a year, she said, adding that she feels fortunate — for other people immigrating to Canada, two years is the average wait-time.

During that process youre essentially a number and a sheet of paper. You feel it every time they ask you progressively more invasive questions, Ashby added, sharing an anecdote about how immigration questions reduce complex romantic relationships to statistics-based judgement calls. [Theyd ask] things like, Can you describe to us the number and monetary value of gifts exchanged between the two of you. And then you start to think, oh, OK, the quality of my relationship is already interpreted through capital. I have a monetary value.

In her short story, Ashby acknowledges these issues, but also offers solutions to the problem. She notes that by working change-inspiring technologies into her plots, she’s at the very least offering readers a sense of hope. 

Dystopia is very useful in grappling with the world as it exists, Ashby said. Its a really stylized, formalized way of talking about things that are already happening in practice. But utopia, or more optimistic stories, can also be useful, because you can imagine a future that you actually want.

Ashbys fiction is informed by her other, more technical approach to writing. After studying Strategic Foresight and Innovation at the Ontario College of Art and Design, she started getting gigs drafting potential future scenarios for organizations such as Intel Labs and Nesta. Envisioning the future on behalf of corporations and research labs isnt exactly an established career path — actually, it sounds a little like something out of a sci-fi novel. But Ashby isnt the only writer who moonlights as a narrative scenario practitioner. Theres a host of organizations dedicated to allowing sci-fi writers to draft potential outcomes for specific companies or entire industries. Sci Futures, a sort of think tank dedicated to providing these services to clients such as Crayola, Ford, and Lowes, has a pithy tagline encapsulating their mission: “Where sci-fi gets real. A comparable organization, 2020 Media Futures, describes its mission as, an ambitious, multi-industry strategic foresight project designed to understand and envision what media may look like in the year 2020.

So, the research interests are vast. Of her work with Intel Labs and beyond, Ashby said, They often tell me, we want the future of intelligent systems, or the future of warfare in smart cities, the future of a world without antibiotics, the future of programmable matter, or the Internet of things.

Because Ashby spends considerable time dreaming up innovative solutions to social problems, she cant help but imbue her stories with similar gizmos and features. Her stories dont always involve positive situations for her characters, but they do often incorporate technologies that could solve said characters problems.

This is the central tenet of techno-optimism, the breed of science-fiction writing thats working to counter the rough terrain of dystopia, barren and desolate as it is; thirsty, it sometimes seems, for a solution thats bigger than a big-hearted narrator.

Writer and anthology editor Kathryn Cramer was a reluctant adopter of the genre. When aforementioned writer Stephenson, author of Seveneves, approached her to edit a collection of stories united under the banner of positive change, she worried the stories themselves would suffer from lack of plot, and lack of diversity. But, as she commissioned works of techno-optimism, she realized the genre promotes diverse voices rather than suppressing them. Her fears were quelled.

When we contemplate dark scenarios or disasters for the future, it is perhaps an ethically and morally good thing to do to figure out what the solutions might be, especially technological solutions, Cramer said in an interview with HuffPost. If we look at the 20th century, there are a whole lot of things that changed our lives in good ways, and solved a lot of problems, ranging from vaccines and refrigerated food transportation to frozen food. Some of them are sexy, like space travel, but a lot of them are things that improved everybodys lives in ways we might notve expected. Preservatives, things like that.

Cramers altruistic outlook hints at her thoughts on what a book can, and should, accomplish. While she believes writers have a responsibility to push innovation in a positive direction, some readers and writers think that mindset interferes with the quality of a story. So addressing societal problems, be it via extended, post-apocalyptic metaphors, or via similarly bleak settings peppered with hope, doesnt sit well with all sci-fi readers. Most notably, there are those — cue the Sad Puppies — who are nostalgic for the days of so-called Golden Age sci-fi: Star Trek-like space-travel adventures that offer a means of briefly escaping the restrictions of the real world. Nimble writing and world-building is supposedly the aim for such stories; political opinions, solutions-oriented and otherwise, are actively eschewed.

But the Puppies agenda — which resulted in No Award being given at the Hugo Awards this year in categories for which only white men were nominated — extends beyond particular tastes in writing styles. Claiming science-fiction has opted for affirmative action-guided decisions rather than supporting story-centric writing, they lobbied to place white, male writers — including themselves — on the award ballots.

Ashby spoke passionately against the Puppies movement: Thats part of their battle cry: Why do we have to think about social issues in our science fiction? Why do we have to think about other genders, or sexualities, or economic circumstances? Why cant it just be fun like it used to be? Well, yeah, Im sure it was really fun when you werent thinking about it. Everythings a lot more fun when youre not thinking about it.

Thinking about it, according to Ashby, involves confronting the dire state of life for some social groups. It involves constructing a narrative that encourages the reader to consider the lives of others, rather than just getting lost in his own fantasy world, in which he alone is the hero and the solution. It involves hope not in the form of a triumphant narrator, but in the technologies we can create when we do something really miraculous: work together.

Read more: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/