#welcome to my TEV Talk

[tev-the-random]

So the thing that gets me about Starlo — the thing that really gets me — is how much this guy hates himself.

It's not something you notice the first time you're playing, because he's so confident and enthusiastic. He'd almost be cool if he wasn't such a dork. But after replaying the game with the context of where he came from, — and I'll admit, after reading some very interesting, in-depth fanfics and analysis about him, I'll try to link them if I find them again — his character becomes a bit... blurred. How much of this is Starlo, and how much of it is North Star?

Because- because the whole point of his sheriff persona is that he gets to be someone else, isn't it? When he's out there rootin' and tootin', acting out his hero fantasies and trying to imitate the characters from the westerns he admires, he becomes someone much cooler than himself. North Star is everything Starlo wishes he was: the fearless leader, the cunning cowboy, the confident sheriff who saves lives and wrangles bandits and hangs out with humans. Not just some nobody farmer who could disappear in the corn field without anyone noticing, not the son who wastes his time on daydreams.

He craves praise so deeply. That's the big difference between Star and Papyrus, I think, because Papyrus is just so unapologetically himself, while Star... he starts spending more and more time with this mask of greatness he made himself. Because people like North Star. Not Starlo.

North Star is a real sheriff. Not Starlo.

North Star is the one who brings help and hope and fun to monsters. Not Starlo.

North Star is the one worthy of being appreciated. Not Starlo.

And like... he wants to be liked so badly. So much effort is put into making sure North Star is good enough that Starlo tends to assume people hate him. He assumes his parents hate his life choices (they don't; they're proud of him and know he cares), he assumes Clover will laugh at him when he shows his face to them (they don't; despite everything, it's still him), he assumes the reason he fell out with his friends is because he wasn't a good enough sheriff (he knows damn well it wasn't actually Clover's fault, he's not THAT stupid. But he's still desperately grasping at the last pieces of his shattered persona, so if he just works harder, if he does what a real sheriff does and captures this human, then everything will be alright, won't it?)

I really wish we could have gotten more insight on Starlo's relationships and personality before the whole Wild East thing consumed him. Ceroba and the Feisty Five say they miss the old Starlo, but we never really get to know who the old Starlo was. And I don't think he knows either.

Wake the hell up, Star. People started liking you before you were North Star. Go eat some corn and calm down.

Point is, the impostor syndrome goes hard and that's such a mood. He was supposed to be the cool and silly cowboy guy, what the fuck–

[its-jaytothemee]

Until I Met You - Chapter 29

Chapter 29: Those Left Behind

Pairings: Halsin x Tav

Word count: 4,755

Rating: Currently M, will be Explicit in later chapters.

Read on AO3

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Summary: Tav is still coming to terms with her brother's death while also trying to help Halsin get the information he so desperately needs about Thaniel. Part 29 of the slow burn fic. Tav and Halsin POVs.

Tags: Slow burn, mutual pining, hurt/comfort, emotional hurt/comfort, fluff, eventual love confessions, eventual smut, angst, implied past rape/non-con and abuse, graphic description of injuries, brief suicidal thoughts.

A/N: Sorry folks, we're not out of angst land yet. Thanks for hanging in there for a while longer between updates. I'm hoping to be able to do some more concentrated writing in the near future <3

Tav leaned against Halsin as they made the short hike back to camp. He kept one arm around her shoulders as they walked. Her mind and heart felt raw from the emotional whiplash of the day. Meeting Ketheric Thorm, freeing the cult’s prisoners, discovering a lead to banish the shadow curse, finding Tev, Halsin’s kiss. It was almost too much.

I care about you, Tav.

Once again, the simplest affirmations from him drew the sadness from her with ease. Unfortunately for her, the bottomless well that was her grief refilled itself quickly.

Still, it was nice to know that she hadn’t made a total fool of herself this morning.

“Hey, soldier,” Karlach called out to her softly as they came into view of the camp. Her eyes darted between her and Halsin. “Feeling better?”

“A bit, yeah.” Tav rubbed her eyes, still stinging from her tears. Halsin pulled her tighter against him, causing a broad smile to stretch across Karlach’s face.

“That’s good to hear. Come on, have a seat.” Karlach patted the spot next to her near the fire.

“Thanks, but we’re still going to Last Light. We’ll just rest there for the night.” Tav gave her a weak smile.

“Are you sure? Do you need us to come with you?” Wyll’s face was twisted with concern.

“I think we’ve taken care of the threat during our first excursion, but should anyone want to join you are of course welcome to do so,” Halsin assured him.

Karlach elbowed Wyll in the ribs before responding. “I’m sure they can handle it now that we took care of that last group of shadows.”

“Meet us there first thing in the morning?” Tav asked.

Everyone nodded their agreement along with a few more murmured condolences, except for Karlach, who responded with a wink. Tav just rolled her eyes in response, unable to help the small smile that tugged at her lips.

As they walked out of camp, Halsin reached down to lace their fingers together. The comforting feeling of his hand in hers helped steady her steps. Lunari padded along beside her, bumping into her legs every now and then.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked quietly.

“I…I don’t know. I’m not sure what to talk about.” Tav sniffled. “I think part of me always knew he was gone. I just couldn't accept it without knowing.”

“Closure is a very powerful tool for moving past our grief, but it has a habit of opening up old wounds that didn’t heal properly the first time around. At least now you know his fate, horrible as it was. You can heal now, Tav. You can move on knowing that he’s now at peace.”

“You make it sound so simple.” Her tears returned and she leaned against his arm.

“It is anything but simple, my friend. Do not take my words as a dismissal of your pain. Everyone heals in their own time. It may take weeks, it may take years, but eventually the pain will dull, and the wound will mend once more.”

“Thank you, o wise and all-knowing Archdruid,” Tav mumbled, feeling a stab of guilt over her sarcasm. To her relief, Halsin just chuckled.

“Former Archdruid, but I suppose old habits die hard. If there’s anything I can do to help you, Tav, please let me know.”

She glanced down at their hands.

“This is good enough for now.”

He hummed in appreciation as she squeezed his hand.

They took the rest of their walk in silence. Tav buried her face in Halsin’s arm once they reached the small area where they had fought the shadows earlier. He kept a firm grip on her until they had passed. Before she knew it, they were crossing the bridge into the courtyard of Last Light once more. The courtyard was still bustling with its patrons, many of whom were now reunited with loved ones who had been captured.

She hated that such a happy sight made her feel so resentful.

“Are you ready?” She turned to ask Halsin.

“Lead the way.”

***

Halsin let Tav guide him back into Last Light Inn. Given the darkness choking the land, it was hard to tell the time of day, but he guessed it was getting late in the evening. Harpers, Flaming Fists, and refugees alike were still wandering about the grounds.

He did notice that there were a few more familiar faces around.

“The tieflings…” he saw Alfira had been joined by Lakrissa across the room, “you found them?”

“Some of them,” she replied in a low voice, “we still couldn’t find Arabella’s parents, or Zevlor, or Mol.”

“They weren’t being held at Moonrise?”

“Apparently not.”

Before he could respond, two tieflings came barreling up to Tav the moment she crossed the threshold of the inn.

“It’s you! You’re back!” The tiefling that spoke first was Bex, her husband, Danis, was one of the refugees that had been captured. “You left before we had a chance to thank you!”

Her hand shot out to grab Tav’s, pumping it up and down enthusiastically. Halsin squeezed the other hand tighter as he felt her tense at his side.

“Oh, of course…it was nothing.” Tav cleared her throat and forced a small smile onto her face.

“It was everything.” Danis came up to shake Tav’s hand as soon as Bex dropped it. “I thought I would be rotting away in that tower, without getting to see my love’s face one last time. To be reunited when I had all but given up…”

Halsin watched as Tav’s lips quivered at his words and felt her fingers dig into his hand.

“Happy to help,” she barely breathed the words out.

“Here, we don’t have much, but I made these for you.” Bex reached into a small bag and handed her a cloth package.

“Thank you, that’s very kind.” Tav took the offering with a trembling hand before stashing it away in her pack.

Halsin tried to lead her into the next room, but yet another group of grateful refugees swarmed them.

“Oh, thank the gods! I thought for sure you had left for the night!” Two more tieflings pushed Bex and Danis out of the way to get to Tav. He recognized them now, they were siblings. Their brother, Rolan, was meant to go to Baldur’s Gate to be an apprentice to a wizard there.

“Cal and Lia have told me that you were responsible for their return.” Rolan approached them with an embarrassed look on his face.

“Most people would just say thank you, Rolan,” Cal said as he nudged Rolan’s arm.

“I had help,” Tav added, her lips still quivering as she tried to force them into a smile.

“And modest, too?” Lia laughed as she looped an arm around one of Rolan’s.

“I suppose I was…harsh on you before. You have my sincere thanks for returning these two assholes to me,” Rolan smiled.

“Yes, thank you for helping my idiot siblings,” Cal teased back.

“My pleasure,” Tav’s quiet voice was almost lost in the commotion of Last Light, “think nothing of it.”

Halsin could just barely see the tears forming in her eyes and hear the subtle uneasiness in her breathing.

“I’m terribly sorry, my friends,” he interjected before the tieflings could speak up again, “I’m afraid Tav has had a very tiring day and is in desperate need of some rest.”

“Of course! I was exhausted from just watching you fight, I can’t imagine how you feel. We’ll talk to you again soon I’m sure.” Danis gave another grateful smile before pulling Bex away as well.

“Right, we’ll leave you to it. Thanks again!” Lia called over her shoulder as she walked outside with her brothers.

Tav stood frozen in place as she watched them walk away, arm in arm.

“Tav?” he called out quietly.

She didn’t respond, a few tears simply rolled down her cheeks. He felt guilty all of a sudden, for dragging her back here to see happy reunions all around her. Everyone around Last Light had been given a new surge of happiness, of hope.

And she had just lost hers just a few hours before.

He wanted to say something, anything to comfort her, but his mouth may as well have been filled with cotton. Luckily for him, Jaheira had wandered over to greet them.

“I didn’t expect to see you back tonight, little ranger.”

Her voice snapped Tav out of whatever spiral had taken hold.

“High Harper,” Tav sniffled and stood up a bit straighter before continuing, “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.”

“No need for such formalities, my friend. Jaheira suits me just fine.” She flashed a crooked smile at them.

“Of course, I uh,” Tav took a shaky breath, “I had to bring Halsin back to speak to the Flaming Fist. He could have information about how to dispel the shadows.”

“Truly? That is quite a fortunate coincidence.” Jaheira started to say something else, but her face fell as she took notice of Tav’s reddened eyes and tear-stained cheeks.

Her eyes shifted to Halsin, who gave a small shake of his head.

“But that is a conversation that can be held for later, you look exhausted, Tav.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small key.

“What’s this?” Tav asked, confusion apparent on her face.

“It is a key my very perceptive friend.” She pressed it into Tav’s palm. “Upstairs, second door on the left. There’s a room with the materials for a bath. I think you could use one, if you don’t mind me saying.”

“A…a bath?” A bit of brightness returned to her eyes at the offer. “Thank you.”

“I’d be happy to show Halsin to the Flaming Fist.” Halsin saw her eyes dart down to their hands, still entwined in a comfortable grip. “Unless you two are…” she trailed off as she tried to find the words.

Tav panicked and dropped his hand, her endearing blush creeping across her face.

“Thank you, Jaheira, I appreciate it.” She gave him a sheepish look as she sulked off toward the stairs. Lunari flopped down beside Halsin, resting her head on her paws.

“Tav?” he called out before he could stop himself. She turned around slowly and cocked her head to the side.

“I’ll…I’ll be right down here when you’re done.”

She nodded with a small smile before disappearing up the stairs.

“Tell me, Halsin, what happened?” Jaheira turned to him as soon as Tav was out of view.

“We found her brother, Tev’aron.”

“You…you found him? How is that poss–” The realization dawned on her just as she started to speak.

“I see.” She hung her head for a moment. “What was his fate?”

“He was part of a group of shadow cursed Harpers that ambushed us.”

“It was a dim hope that she would find him alive. It doesn’t make me any less sorry to hear that.” Her eyes moved back to the stairs. “How is she?”

“Devastated, from what I can tell.” Halsin recalled her heartbreaking screams as she held her brother’s dead body. The thought alone was enough to bring tears back to his eyes.

“I must warn you, this Flaming Fist is likely a dim hope as well. And yet, she made the dangerous trek through shadow to bring you here.” The corners of her mouth twitched. “A Harper at heart.”

Halsin smiled alongside her. “She doesn’t seem to think so.”

“Regardless, I worry that she will continue to chase these dim hopes. Pouring her own light into them to keep them sheltered and lit until she is naught but a shadow herself.”

“I won’t let that happen,” Halsin promised her.

“See that you don’t.” Jaheira had a way of turning simple words into an order.

“I worry more about what will happen when she no longer has the curse or Ketheric Thorm to concentrate on. Even their fight against the Absolute will serve as some form of distraction. But after that…” He trailed off, not wanting to think about that himself either.

But Jaheira apparently did.

“And what about you, Halsin? What will you do once you no longer have Ketheric Thorm or the shadows to keep your mind distracted?”

Halsin’s breath caught. It was a question he hadn’t dared to ask himself in so long.

“I suppose I’ll have to find a new distraction.” As hard as he fought it, he couldn’t keep his eyes from following Tav. Jaheira stifled a laugh as she followed his gaze.

“The Fist you’re looking for is in that room right over there.” She tilted her head toward a room to his right. “I trust you’re capable of making it inside on your own, unless you still need a hand to hold?”

He narrowed his eyes at her before walking through the doorway, Lunari trailing behind him. His heartbeat pounded in his ears, drowning out the quiet song coming from a man across the room.

Halsin took a seat on the bed next to the slumbering Fist, taking a deep breath to refocus himself.

The first sound he heard was humming, the second was a name. A name that brought tears to his eyes and a new swell of hope in his chest.

Thaniel.

***

Despite the last two days weighing on her shoulders, Tav allowed herself a fleeting moment of respite. It had been weeks since she could take a proper bath. Since their abduction, they had been resigned to quick, freezing rinses in creeks and rivers, hardly enough to wash away the grime and filth they had been wading through. Letting out a heavy sigh as she sank into the warm water, she took her time scrubbing the dirt and dried blood from her skin and hair.

Satisfied with her freshly cleaned skin, she drew her knees up close to her chest. Once again, her grief came back to weigh her down, threatening to drown her in the bath.

A memory came creeping into the front of her mind, one of her last memories of Tev.

Tav’ahria stormed out of the tavern where Tev had asked her to meet him.

“Come on, Ria, I don’t want us to part ways on a fight,” Tev’aron yelled after her.

“What do you want me to say, Tev? You told me we’d stick together, and now you’re leaving me behind.” She was having a hard time keeping the deep hurt out of her voice.

“It’s not like I have much of a choice, the High Harper is taking her squad to Reithwin, and that includes me.” He had to jog to catch up to her as she stomped away.

“You could ask to transfer, you could stay here in Amn.” A pang of guilt stabbed her in the gut for asking that of him. He had worked hard over the past three years to be in the company of Jaheira, the legendary hero of Baldur’s Gate.

“Is that what you’re asking me to do?” His tone softened a bit as he caught up with her. “Ria, please, just…”

Tev reached out and grabbed her wrist. She refused to meet his eyes.

“Come on, talk to me. Ever since you broke things off with Sylia you’ve been extra moody, you know that?”

She reached up to touch the fresh scars lining her nose and cheek. A parting gift from her scorned former lover. Tav’ahria took note on ending a relationship in a gentler fashion in the future. Especially if the partner in question favored a wild shape that gave them extra sharp talons to attack her with.

“This has nothing to do with her, and you know it,” she snapped back.

“Are you sure? Because honestly, Tav’ahria, when you were getting laid consistently you were much more–”

She cut his teasing off with a quick knee to the groin, causing him to drop the hand he had been holding.

“You were saying?” She smiled at him sweetly and batted her eyelashes.

“I…was saying…” he wheezed between words as he remained hunched over, “that there’s…something else…bothering…you.”

He wasn’t wrong.

The fact of the matter was, the Harpers had always been Tev’s dream, not hers. She had enjoyed the last few years, if anything because she was far away from their family. Many of her new peers had even gone from casual acquaintances to friends.

But now, he was leaving her to chase those dreams. As much as she hated herself for it, she resented him for leaving her behind.

“You’re leaving, Tev. Whether it’s fully under your control or not, that’s what’s happening.” Tav’ahria looked away from him again, trying to hide the misty haze clouding her eyes.

“I’m just going on assignment, Ria. It’s not like I’m being banished to another plane of existence,” he said, still catching his breath.

“You might as well be,” she whispered back.

“I know this will be the furthest we’ve been apart in some time, but neither one of us will be alone.”

“I know, I just…I really thought I’d never see you again that first night you ran away. And now…” she sniffled, “now I have that same feeling.”

“And yet, I came back. I’m not going anywhere, my sweet sister.” He pulled her into a hug.

“You only call me that when you want something,” she muttered into his shoulder.

“Yes, I want to go to Moonrise Towers with my squad,” he pulled away so he could look down at her, “but if you ask it of me, if you really need me to do so, I’ll stay here with you.”

Yes, I want you to stay here with me. I can’t stand the thought of being left alone in this world.

Without you here, I’m afraid I’ll go back.

The words in her mind brought years of guilt crashing down on her. For so long, Tev had held back to protect her, to help her. Now they were free, free to make their own choices, free to forge their own paths. Yet he still held himself back for her.

She had a chance to repay him now, for everything he had done for her.

“No, Tev. I don’t ask you to do that.” She leaned back into him.

“Thank you, Ria.”

Tav’ahria took a few deep breaths before letting him go.

“Besides, it’s just another squabble between a few Sharrans and Selûnites. Once territory is marked again and they’re sent on their merry ways, we’ll be heading back. That region has been occupied by followers of Selûne for longer than either of us have been alive, I doubt this will be a lengthy affair,” he assured her.

She could only manage a nod in response.

“I’ll write to you. Don’t worry,” he leaned over to kiss the top of her head, “a tenday from now we’ll be back together.”

“You’d better find someone else to tame that mop of hair on your head while you’re gone.” She reached up to tuck a runaway curl back among the others.

“No promises.” He swatted her hand away with feigned annoyance while she tried to rearrange more of his hair. As he turned to head back into the tavern, she fought the tears welling up in her eyes watching him leave.

“I love you, Tev,” she called after him as he ran away.

“I love you, Ria.” He gave her one more big, dimpled smile before disappearing into the tavern.

When she finally brought herself to open her eyes again, she was back in Last Light.

You didn’t come back this time, Tev.

She stayed curled up in the bath until the water had cooled, her fingers and toes had pruned, and the salty lines of tears on her face had dried.

No use wallowing in a cold bath.

She forced her legs to stand again, the noble blood in her veins fighting every move as she dressed herself in the dirty clothes she’d been wearing for weeks.

Still, the hot bath did wonders for her sore muscles, even if it did make her incredibly tired.

Tav gathered up her belongings and dragged her feet back down the stairs. By the time she had emerged, the commotion in the inn had died down. Only a few Harpers remained awake, drinking and laughing at the bar. She didn’t see Jaheira anywhere, so she just tucked the key she was given back into her pocket.

Trying to avoid any further conversations, she kept her eyes fixed on the floor as she walked into the room where Art Cullagh remained gripped by a magical slumber.

Halsin sat on the edge of the bed adjacent to the Fist’s. His eyes were closed as he held a hand out in front of him, lost in concentration. Lunari perked up from her spot at his feet.

“So, did you learn anything?” she asked softly, her quiet voice still startled Halsin out of his meditation.

“Tav!” His face lit up when he saw her, she just wished it made her feel better. “Come, join me.” He patted the spot next to him on the bed.

She sulked over and placed her bag and armor at the foot of the bed before taking a seat, making sure to give her wolf companion a few scratches behind her ears on the way.

“I’ve learned precious little, I’m afraid. But there’s at least no doubt that he’s met Thaniel. There’s no other way he would know that name.” Halsin began to eagerly explain his meditations from the last hour, but she was having a hard time keeping her eyes open.

“…Tav?” He gave her a gentle nudge.

She shot up, realizing she had fallen over on his shoulder.

“Sorry, love. I guess I’m just a bit more tired than I thought.”

“It’s quite alright.” He placed an arm around her and rested his head on hers. “Rest, Tav. We can talk more in the morning.”

A small bout of panic ripped through her. She didn’t really want to rest; she was terrified of what she might see in her dreams.

Her heart rate sped up, causing her chest to tighten with anxiety and grief, Halsin seemed to sense something was wrong.

“What is it?”

“I…” Tears stung her eyes. She couldn’t bear the possibility of seeing Tev’s dead body in her arms again. Not wanting to have another breakdown here in Last Light, she squeezed her eyes shut once more. It didn’t stop her lips from trembling and her breath from hitching audibly.

“Tav…” Halsin’s soothing voice had quieted, and she felt his hands encase hers.

“I can’t rest, Halsin,” she whispered, “every time I close my eyes, I just see him.”

When she opened her eyes again, he was kneeling on the floor in front of her.

“What can I do, Tav?” he asked, his eyes searching hers for an answer.

She couldn’t form any words. Grief maintained its clawed grip on her mind. So instead, she just began to sob.

Halsin immediately pulled her into his arms.

“It’s alright, Tav, it’s alright,” he said the words over and over in her ear as he held her head against him.

“I miss him.”

“I know.”

“It’s my fault, Halsin…” she gasped into his shoulder.

“What?” He pushed her back a little so he could look at her. “Why do you say that?”

“Because…” she choked out.

She told Halsin about the last time she had seen Tev. How he had offered to stay with her, but she let him go with Jaheira and her squad.

“Oh, Tav…” he trailed off before hugging her tight again.

“I could…asked…to stay…might…be here…” She could barely get the words out between her sobs.

“Listen to me,” his voice had shifted to a more forceful tone, but he still held her with such a gentle touch, “you cannot blame yourself for his death. You cannot take that weight onto your shoulders, my friend. Believe me when I say it will crush you.”

“But…”

Halsin cut her off by taking her face in both of his hands.

“Tav, you got called to Moonrise anyway. Even if he had stayed with you, there is no guarantee that he would have survived. You saw the raw chaos that took over the battlefield that day.”

“You don’t understand! Tev was all that I had. The hope that I could find him again was all that I had, as foolish as that hope was…” she paused for another bout of sobs. “Now what do I have? No family, no home…”

As soon as she said the words, she regretted them. The pain in Halsin’s expression adding to the ever growing pile of her guilt.

“I do understand. I lost my closest friends, my mentor who was like a father to me, I lost Thaniel. The grove has been the only home I’ve known for over two hundred years and now I…” He shook his head lightly before looking back up at her.

“And you do have a family, Tav. You have an entire camp full of new friends who would do anything for you, who would follow you anywhere.”

She wrapped her arms tight around her torso. The muscles in her chest and shoulders had grown sore from her cries.

“And you have me,” he said with tears in his eyes.

Tav reached up to hold one of the hands cradling her face.

“We have both carried a great deal of sorrow and guilt over the last century. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have found someone who shares that burden with me. You’ve done so much for me already, let me ease some of the weight from your shoulders. Let me help you, Tav.”

She let out a shaky breath and rested her forehead against his.

“Now, please rest. I’ll watch over Art Cullagh. I’ll wake you if anything changes.”

She nodded and turned to lay down on the small bed.

“Will you stay here with me?” she asked, keeping a tight grip on his hand.

“Of course,” he responded as she closed her eyes. “Wherever you need me.”

Just before she drifted off, she felt him place a light kiss on the back of her hand.

***

Halsin held Tav’s hand in his until he was confident that she had drifted off into a trance. His heart truly ached for her. Not only was she leading the fight against a cult of mind flayers, a cult being led by the man responsible for her hardship, but she was also wading through one hundred years’ worth of grief to do it.

He leaned over to press a gentle kiss into her hair. The strands were still damp from her bath earlier and he smelled pine mixed with another sweet scent that he couldn’t quite identify.

Watching her face slowly relax into a peaceful look brought a wave of relief washing over him. He wanted nothing more than to lay down beside her, to hold her close throughout the night and chase any nightmares away. He wanted to bury his face in her freshly washed hair, concentrating on the new smell to distract him from his own grief and guilt.

Once again, his life allowed no room for such desires.

“May your dreams be kind,” he whispered in Elvish before sitting back up. He gently placed her hand that he had been holding back at her side before turning his attention to the Flaming Fist.

Halsin sat and studied Art Cullagh in his slumber. Nothing about the song he kept repeating gave him any specific ideas of where to find Thaniel.

Climb, climb, climbing up a tree.

That could be anywhere. Thaniel loved to climb trees, it was one of his favorite ways to spend an afternoon.

We are living, they are dead.

Again, that could have been anywhere, but it did give Halsin another confirmation that Thaniel was at least alive somewhere. 

The more he concentrated on the man, the more it became obvious that he had been imprisoned in the Shadowfell. Yet try as he might, Halsin couldn’t determine his connection to Thaniel. The man’s mind was fractured and fading away. If they were not delicate and precise in their manner of doing so, waking him could likely result in his death. He shuddered at the realization. If they didn’t find a way to wake Art Cullagh from his stupor, their one chance at banishing the shadows could be lost to him forever.

[ariaste]

As a nonbinary dom with a penchant for pirates and pathetic men, I am enjoying the everliving fuck out of Running Close to the Wind. Is there any chance of getting an audiobook version? I would love to hear a voice actor bring these Avra/Julian/Tev exchanges to life.

The audiobook version is already out! Your favorite audiobook retailer should have it available. :) It's narrated by the wonderful Casey Jones, who apparently does all the voices and mouth sounds with great panache.

Glad you are enjoying the book!! If you'd like other people to talk about it with, there is a fandom discord for my books: https://discord.gg/DTyee9HRR9. (We have rigorous systems of keeping spoilers corralled, so please feel welcome even if you haven't finished the book yet.)

[hyperionwitch-art]

Hi! I'm new to your blog and was wondering if I could get a brief snippet about some of your OCs? Like a backstory, little quirks, etc etc (Because they look really awesome and I want to learn a little about them!! Also your art is gorgeous)

Hi anon, welcome to the blog! Thanks for the sweet words~

Haha, I'd love to talk about my OCs...but there are a bunch of them floating around! ...I mean it doesn't LOOK that way because I mainly post about my Terrible Kids, but in my brain there are a ton, I swear.

Let me know if there's anybody you'd like to know about specifically! The big ones that actually get airtime are uuuuh The Kids and other TES folks, Tam, Nehris, and the assorted Pathfinder kiddos (mostly Jessen I guess), but if you dig up somebody specific I can do my best!

I feel bad not responding with something immediately though, so here are a couple misc. posts that have some backstory and fun facts about a few characters! 🖤

About Tev Voiceclaims Fave OC facts

[thexam-union]

Riverside Relaxing

First fic to be put up here!! It’s the Chessy Boys up first, which surprises me just as much as it might surprise you! It’s just some soft fluff because that’s what got made :>

Length: 2031 Words

General Overview: It’s too hot outside, and the gang get together to cool off by the water in Land of the Tiger. Also ship moments between Tevel and Apollyon!! They’re grooving!

Warning(s): Mentions of heatstroke (no incidents or harm done, simply concern)

( If you need anything else tagged/forewarned about let me know!! )

The worst thing about the Digsite was the heat. The baking sun made it borderline impossible to work during the middle of the day, the sun’s glare roasting everything through to the point of burning without any hesitation. It was fine when nothing was scheduled, but when you were stuck there all day waiting for sunset? Pain. Suffering, even.

Tevel half-heartedly pushed open the door to Alcor’s office, the beige and yellows of the walls being anything but welcoming as they set themselves down in the chair after haphazardly hanging their jacket on the back of it.

“Please don’t say what I think you’re about to say, but what are you here for?” Alcor said with a short, sharp glare in their direction, before looking back at the computer screen on their desk. He seemed taken aback when they gestured towards the ceiling he got in response. Specifically, the fan. Normally when Tevel comes in all sheepish, it’s probably because something broke, so this was a surprise. “Right.”

“How mad would you be if I said I’m just hanging out here for that and that you’ll have to put up with me or let me go elsewhere.”

“Not very, but that’s just today.” Alcor simply shrugged behind his glasses, sipping at his drink before putting the fan in front of him in Tevel’s direction. “I’m glad you haven’t broken anything.”

“In this weather? No way, I wouldn’t. Thanks, by the way. But yeah, who’s in your personally-manned hell of emails today?” It was a joke, but clearly not anything rough-sounding. Surprising, given it’s Tevel of all people, but he already knew they didn’t like his email practices.

“The Marquess, and a few other people. You don’t get the emails.”

“I’ll level with you, chief, I’ve got your address marked as spam. Doesn’t work, though, you’ll be glad to know. Also, Aludra’s letting people hang out. I know you’re as antisocial as they come, and that neither of us like each other, but it’ll hurt my one entire moral,” They very dramatically put up their index finger, “If I don’t tell you and you get heatstroke.”

“Right. I’m glad you’re conscious of safety on the digsite. I’m actually surprised you didn’t just go.” Tevel shrugged. “Or did you want the go-ahead for tonight to be cancelled first? I know you used the last workplace safety book I gave you as a fuse to spite me. Impressive, but you know how I feel about that sort of thing.”

“Yeah mostly I guess. Heatstroke sucks, and I like to annoy you. Not almost kill you with negligence. Anyway, if you want to CC the information to people that don’t even go here, fine by me, I’m leaving. See you there, yeah?”

“Mhm. I’ll be right out. Thank you, Tevel. Are you sure you’re alright?” They’d just stood up and picked up their jacket, holding it over their arm as their sunhat covered their eyeline. “You’re acting a little strangely, today.”

“I’m fine. It’s too hot to blow up the place, and I can’t burn down Aludra’s place, I’ll feel so bad.”

“I thought you had one moral standard.” Wait, did Alcor just make a joke? What the fuck. What the fuck? He even laughed and everything.

“Uh-- Right, uh, stay hydrated? I’m going.” And with that, the office door was closed and they were braving the sun again. That was so weird? Alcor had never made a joke, and they’d known each other for years. It was mostly disappointed and annoyed glaring in their direction. At least he was going to cool off later? Acting weird is a heatstroke thing, even when you have the fans in the area in your office you’re not safe, they supposed. But, they did their bit, and it was time for some - as Lesath put it - “much needed splashy splashy”.

To be honest, everyone apart from the Marquess was going to be there now Alcor’d been convinced, and even then, Aludra had been trying to set up a nice canopy so the Marquess could get out more? Unsure, though, they weren’t in the building things business. More the blowing things up business. More their speed.

Walking down to Aludra’s perch took a very short amount of time, and getting under the forest cover was all they needed to get going, really! The comfort of the running water was also very nice, although they didn’t expect a short tap on the shoulder. There, but short.

“Hey, chief, what’s up?” They asked, knocking their hat brim up a little.

“I haven’t been officially invited, so I think my presence would go over better if I’m with someone who was invited, if you get what I mean.” Tevel shrugged. “That’s common practice for social engagements.”

“Yeah, but it’s also Aludra. If she can put up with your slew of emails, she can put up with you in person. Plus I don’t think she dislikes anyone. I gotta say, you’re acting off.”

“Off..? How so? I feel fine.”

“Yeah. Too... Person-y.” Tevel made a vague gesture with their hands, like someone would when describing the movement of a bug. “And that sorta thing’s a sign of heatstroke. You’re my boss who’s allergic to fun, and I heard you make a joke earlier.”

“I assure you, I’m fine. I’m not allergic to fun, I’m allergic to your idea of fun. You’re about as self-aware as a teabag at times.” He sighed, shaking his head, but Tevel seemed… happy with that response? And he was the one that was acting strangely?

“That’s the Alcor that I know.” Tevel half-cackled as they tended to, swinging their jacket so it was over their shoulder rather than over their arm. “Good to hear you’ve still got it, chief. Was actually half-worried something’d happened to ya.”

“I appreciate the concern for my safety? That’s weird coming from you, though.”

“Eh. I like things being consistent and-”

“You’re a demolitionist. What part of that is ordered?”

“Explosions happen in the same way almost every time, and it’s pretty. Consistent behaviour’s what helps me sleep at night, I’m sure you can agree on that.” Tevel laughed, nudging Alcor with their arm as they got to the clearing, and the others were starting to come into view. “Besides, I do pay attention to safety laws. I’m qualified, actually.”

Apollyon had their shirt - jacket? - open over her swimsuit, Lesath was curled up on a well-made perch, Aludra had her laptop open a bit away from the water, and even the Marquess was out here! She was sitting on a deck chair near the side of the water under a parasol, though clearly not dressed for it. Hell, even Citala’d been convinced to drop by! That was slightly less impressive than Tevel of all people dragging Alcor along, but the gap wasn’t that big!

“Yo, you brought him along? How?” Apollyon asked as the pair got up to the side of the water, Tevel sitting on the edge of the waterfront beside her and Alcor settling near Aludra, who’d put down her laptop. Probably to talk to each other rather than sending emails.

“Concern about heatstroke.” With a wink and a slight poking of the tongue, Tevel yawned and leaned back. “It’s so cool here I love it so much.”

“And he set with that? I’d thought he’ll drag you over to my place to toss you in the hoosegow instead of coming over!”

“Consider the following, Apple, it’s Aludra’s thing, right? And look at them.” Apollyon nodded a little. “No one can say no to Aludra, sure as hell not him, you know?”

“Them? Mashed? I didn’t know she had taste that bad!” They looked around everyone else, who seemed quite happy to spend a hot afternoon there. “I didn’t know she did that at all to be completely fair. Same with Alcor, he’s a barn sour and that’s it, I thought. Clawing at the gate when he has to leave it.”

“Yeah? I don’t know, I don’t talk to her much and Alcor’s harder to talk to than a brick most of the time.” Apollyon laughed a little at that. “But yeah, bad taste if true, but also the only thing I thought he loved was his email inbox, and I’m probably right on that one.”

“Yeah, he’s a bit of an odd stick, isn’t he? But enough about your work, how you doing, Tev?” Apollyon reached into a small covered hamper crate on their side of the water, and passed over a can of soft drink, cold to the touch. Perfect. “Also, love to see everyone get together like this, y’know? So glad Morava had the idea.”

“This was his idea?”

“Well yeah. Aludra can’t say no to anyone, and Morava’s all over logistics. He got all of us a half-crate of our favoureds, who else would get that done? Even Ali’s roaming around here, she’s having a great time!”

“True! I’m just glad I don't have to do work today, you know how it is.” Apollyon nudged Tevel in the side for that, setting both theirs and her own hat down on top of the drink crate in that order.

“You? Not wanting to blow things to high heaven?” She gave a slight laugh in response to her own point, before taking a sip of drink.

“More likely than you’d think, Apple! It’s dangerous in high heat. You should know that. As much as I joke about ignoring safety, I do pay attention to a little bit. Don’t tell anyone, though, I have a reputation.”

“Secret’s safe with me, Tev. Will say, very surprised the Marquess came down. Must be awkward. She’s just kind of sitting up there with Citala, y’know?”

“I mean if she’s happy to be here? I don’t know her that well. And no, not your time to go ‘I’ll check it out’ and get us both in it. I like being the spooky chaos one no one knows in any meaningful way.”

“Consider the following: Some of us want to know you. Perceive you. Behold you, even.” Apollyon said, looking directly at Tevel for a moment. “You’re knowable! Sorry Tev, I know you! I don’t know how you got here without letting me be there to see you.”

“And to that I say: I better not be! You’re different, though. You know that.”

“If I don’t get to know you I’ll actually be a little upset.” Apollyon laughed a little, yawning before stretching, although it was a quiet invitation for Tevel to lean on her. “You’re one of the funner people to be around.”

“I’m sure you would think that, Apple. You’re also very biased.” Tevel replied, pulling Apollyon’s arm over them in a way that was comfortable for both of them. “Wouldn’t have it any other way, though. You get to see me outside of work.”

“Mhm. Don’t you think your relationship with everyone else would improve if you were knowable, though? I know you want that.” Apollyon had started to gently run their hands through Tevel’s hair with a gentle smile, as they were just comfortable with their eyes closed and resting more on her lap than her shoulder at this point.

“But having to actually talk to people though. Plus, I’m not moving. You can suffer.”

“Oh, I’m suffering with my beloved lying on my lap. The struggle of being with the person I care about most. The anguish that comes with having a day off and spending it with you.” She said with a dramatic emphasis and feigned a fever for a moment. “We’ll improve your mess later.”

“I can’t believe this.” Tevel sounded offended, but didn’t really mean it. After all, how could they? They did in fact sign up for it.

“I hoodwinked you real good, darlin’. Until then, just us, okay?” A wink from Apollyon, and a laugh. This was going to be a rough few weeks, but if Apollyon really thought it was this good idea, then it probably was? Who knew. But hey, it was something for Future Tevel to think about, not the Tevel at this moment by the river. They were more than content.

[useless-sloveniafacts]

Hello, so I have a question. I'm half slovene (but I've never lived there) do you perchance know how I could improve my slovene spelling? Thank you! Also what do you think about Vlado Kreslin's črna kitara?

Hey! Slovene writing is generally quite faithful to the way the words sound, but there are a few sounds that could trip you up:

L when following a vowel is often pronounced [u̯], closer to U – or like W in English: most often in the sequence OL (volk ‘wolf’, sol ‘salt’ – they aren’t vouk, sou) and in past participles of verbs (govoril ‘talked’, pel ‘sang’, spal ‘slept’, plul ‘sailed’, – not govoriu, peu, spau, plu), but in some other cases as well, though there it’s harder to predict (for example, kal in the meaning ‘marshy pond’ is always pronounced with [u̯], but kal as ‘a sprout, a seedling’ can be pronounced either with [l], or with [u̯]).

V is only [ʋ] (not exactly the same as English V [v], but close enough that the difference isn’t noticeable) when followed by a vowel, L and R, otherwise it’s closer to U – like English W: [ʋ] in vino ‘wine’, vlada ‘government’, but [u̯]/[w] in Triglav, vzeti ‘to take’ (not Triglau, uzeti)

if this [u̯] (written either as L or V) follows an unstressed schwa [ə] (the ‘uh?’ sound; written as E), the whole thing is most often pronounced as U [u]: dobrodošel ‘welcome’, mrtev ‘dead’ (not dobrodošu, mrtu)

when R is syllabic (kinda like what happens in English bird, if English had a normal R), the [ə] element is not written separately: prvi, krt, mrtev (not pervi, kert, mertu), except if R is at the end of the word (e.g. veter ‘wind’, but vetrni ‘of wind’)

A larger vocabulary will help as well, because words sometimes retain their etymological spelling: when you hear the word glasba ‘music’, that S is actually pronounced as Z [z], so you might want to write down glazba – but knowing that there’s a word glas ‘sound’ will help you in recognizing that glas-ba is derived from glas, and keeps that S intact.

There’s also The sounds of Slovene and how they are written (and a shorter version), which might be helpful.

And I really like basically all of Kreslin’s songs, he’s great! :D

[aquamarinefae-blog]

aaaahh

280+ followers !!! holy canneloni. （＊〇□〇）……！ ok, I don’t know exactly how this works, but i really wanna say THANK YOU !! thank you for writing with me, thank you for bringing anaii to life, to make him grow as a muse & me as a writer ! because YES, every interaction gives anaii a little more life <3 and i thank you for that! ! he is still a pretty new muse & you give him so much love <3 i know only very few of you personally, but all of you are wonderful, inspiring & creative people who make this place fun and help to keep it alive (special shoutout to the tolkien fandom i’ve been a part of for many, many centuries: you guys are awesome. thank you for being here. thank you for keep going, thank you for still sharing your creativity after all this years -- yes, for many of us it’s been years -- and keep this spirit alive.) ! i want to tag all of you guys, but i can’t or this list will be ridiculously long. but when we’re mutuals, rest assured that i’m happy to see you on my dash & and i’d LOVE to get to know you & interact with you. so see this also as a reminder that you’re always welcome to say hi !   people i love but haven’t interacted with a lot yet / i like to stalk  ( & this is definitely a big blog suggestion bc these people are awesome !!! ) @withinxarda (what a pretty ballerina you are with pretty muses), @weheirsofdurin (cus dwaaarves), @saturninemonarch (omg your thranduil’s sass x,D) @kcnge  @fionwe (personal of a great retired? RPer <3) @driftwoodprince @minstrelmaglor @fryordie @ass--sass--sin @scararmour (omg your oc is so purretty) @inabyssal @earelloxtiruvai @sinitar-the-reborn @unknownjenmun @endurraesa @myrkvae @elegyofpower And here, this is for my very special foxlings  &  main writing partners: @tevildotheprinceofcats   tev’s cuteness is killing me. and anaii too. x,D <3 tev somehow made him have a soft spot for him and idk how you did that. ??! he doesn’t like it but i do x,D @lightofthetrees   ok, i just ADORE our thread >___< !!! i’m always excited to see your reply and my muse instantly starts being fucking hyper bc your maedhros is just 👌 and AHH. consider me hooked. x,D @first-son-of-finwe     you have been there since anaii was still an innocent, little baby muse ;-; and writing with you / seeing you around still makes me very happy <3 @legolasgoldy    i love to chat & write with you !! ;_; you are such a lovely, pretty being inside & out and i’m so happy i’ve met you ;__; <3 <3 <3 your finrod is so damn precious (even when he’s a feral ball of anger) & so are you <3 @dimmuvdres   ich sag nur Schicksal x,DD i still can’t get over how we’ve found each other. close to creepy  i’d say. but i’m so happy we did !!! <3 @maleficradiance    i’m in love with your mairon and the HCs you have for him and how you made him yours with all your ideas  ;_; i so love to chat & write with you and i’m so glad you are active again ! <3 @ji-indur     oh man. anaii and ji are just killing me with their awesome, haTEFUL dynamic. srsly, i love it and i love your muse ! i mean, the way you fleshed him out you gotta be careful tolkien doesn’t raise from his grave to steal him and make him canon. it’s fucking a-ma-zing. @dryadalismagicae     lyrian is such a precious, pretty elf ! another great, lovingly created oc i absolutely adore <3 (it’s your fault i started playing dragon age btw x3) @dolcres    the way you write dolores is amazing !! you bring her to life & i can hear her talking through your writing. we haven’t interacted that much yet, but i occasionally stalk your threads x,3 @smaugiiisms   we haven’t interacted much yet either, but let me tell you: it’s gonna be great. I FEEL IT. they end up have a sass contest soon x,D @easterlingwanderer    wanderer & anaii <3 the dream couple <3 x,DD do i need to say more ??? x,DD that aside, it’s amazing how much thought you put into your oc <3 you truly brought your own creation to lfe <3 @chainsxwsmile    your olog <3 i need to borrow some of his patience bc he truly deserves an award for dealing with anaii x,D and i’m still so HAPPYYY that you made a drawing of our RP *___* @reflectingchaos     all of your muses are great, but i will talk about fendir since he is the one i’ve been interacting with the most; i love him. all the pain, the angst <3 and i will defo throw anaii at your other muses too bc you give them so much life with your HCs and ideas :D @endimion-issyl      oh this wonderfully toxic, abusive relationship these two have... anaii is like the drug endimion needs while it’s slowly destroying him ;_; it’s both sad and fun to write <3 and your oc is so sweet and pretty <3

[its-jaytothemee]

Until I Met You - Chapter 11

Chapter 11: A Spark to Brighten the Underdark

Pairings: Halsin x Tav

Word count: 5,556

Rating: Currently M, will be Explicit in later chapters.

Read on AO3

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Summary: After Halsin hears Tav having nightmares, he decides to show her a little hidden gem of the Underdark. Now they both have to decide what to do with the sparks flowing between them while helping one of their friends recover from an encounter in the wilderness. Part 11 of the slow burn fic. Halsin and Tav POVs.

Tags: Slow burn, mutual pining, hurt/comfort, emotional hurt/comfort, fluff, eventual love confessions, eventual smut, angst, implied past rape/non-con and abuse, graphic description of injuries.

A/N: Drank a bunch of wine. Started writing. Bon Appetit.

See also - everyone in camp can't stop accidentally cockblocking Tav and Halsin. A little bit of a lighter chapter to offset the last one.

Tav awoke with a start, the taste of blood still evident on her tongue. She reached over to her arm to rub the phantom bruises there. Her breathing was uneven, and her heart was racing. Lunari was still curled up next to her and snoring. Rather than sit and stare at the canvas walls around her, she decided to leave the suffocating confines of her tent to go and sit by the fire.

Maybe Halsin is already awake.

With all of the nightmares she had been having, his company was a welcome comfort. It was much better than being alone with her thoughts.

Instead of finding Halsin by the fire, she ran straight into him as she just crossed the threshold of her tent.

“Oh! You’re awake. Good morning, my friend.” He stammered as she tried to get her bearings.

“Morning.” Tav shook the shock from her face. What in the hells was he doing standing outside of her tent?

They stood in awkward silence for a moment, Halsin rubbed the back of his head nervously as she ran her fingers through her hair. Her dreams were still fresh in her mind, the sight of Tev running away from her brought tears to her eyes.

“Are you…are you alright?” He finally asked her. “I’m sorry to startle you, I heard some cries coming from your tent. I was…worried.”

“Hm? Oh, yes, I’m quite fine. Just some…dreams.”

“Memories?”

She wiped the stray tears that had escaped down her cheeks. “Unpleasant ones, yes.” Halsin gave a soft grunt in response.

“Another curse of the elves. We’re blessed with such long lives, yet we’re doomed to revisit all kinds of memories in our trances, whether we want to relive it again or not.” Pain was rising in his voice, no doubt he had his fair share of unhappy memories to avoid. She nodded along with him.

“Was it the shadow curse?” He asked.

“Not this time. It’s…family related.”

Tav kept her hands tangled in her hair, not willing to look Halsin in the eye. She had kept most of her past a secret – she wasn’t sure how the others would react to her familial ties to the Mendelre house. They were rather infamous in the city, and outside of it as well. Regardless, she had left that life long ago. She wanted them to know Tav, the real her, rather than Lady Tav’ahria Mendelre.

“Would you like to talk about it?” Halsin’s voice was soft and comforting. For a moment, she considered telling him everything, but what would he think of her? Her noble heritage went against everything he stood for; she couldn’t stand the thought of losing his respect.

“I uh, I don’t think I should. It’s in the past, and I’d rather forget it. Let’s just say you wouldn’t have liked the person I was around my family.” She gave a small shake of her head, trying to stop the tears from escaping her eyes.

He studied her for a moment, his eyes sad but intense. She couldn’t hold his gaze, feeling ashamed. No matter how hard she worked to change it, she couldn’t fully leave her past behind. She would always be the little flower of the Mendelres.

“Then perhaps you’d like to take a walk with me?” Halsin was offering his hand out to her. She stared up at him, his handsome face perfectly highlighted by the fire behind him. As much as she wanted to go with him, she was worried that her knees would give out from the sight of him. Yet right now, his company was the only thing she craved. She reached out to accept his outstretched hand and he pulled her closer.

“Come on, we won’t go too far.” He held his arm out for her to take. A light blush took over her face as she wrapped hers around it.

They walked a short distance away from the camp, far enough that they could no longer see the tents, but close enough to still see the soft glow of the fire. There was a small pond of sorts, surrounded by glowing mushrooms, they were more concentrated here than in other areas of the Underdark.

“These aren’t the mushrooms that explode, right?” Tav teased. Halsin laughed in response, and she could feel it shaking his upper body as she kept her arm looped around his.

“Of course not, I do believe you set them all off the last time you ventured out into the wilderness here. I’d be surprised if there were any left based on the state of your return.” She was starting to really enjoy his sense of humor. It was shining through more and more as they continued spending time together.

“So, what are we doing here?” She eyed him, unable to hide her suspicion. He let her arm drop and moved to stand in front of her. That dazzling smile had returned, a bright beacon that threatened to blind her in this darkness.

“It’s a surprise. Close your eyes.”

***

Halsin waved a hand in front of Tav’s eyes to make sure she had really shut them. Satisfied with her lack of reaction, he bent over to pick up a couple of small rocks. He looked back over at Tav, who was waiting patiently with her eyes closed, or so he thought. One eye had peeked open and was trying to watch him.

“No peeking!” He scolded her with a smile. She jumped when she realized she was caught, a mischievous grin taking over her face. His heart started to beat faster, excited to show her this hidden gem he had found.

Once her eyes were closed again, he moved closer to the water and tossed a rock out into the pond.

“Okay, you can look now.” Halsin held his breath, waiting for her reaction.

Tav slowly opened her eyes and let out a soft gasp. The water in front of them had come alive with small luminescent creatures. Little dots of light swam along the tiny waves made by the rock he threw into the pond. Her eyes were wide with wonder, darting back and forth along the entire surface of the water.

“What do you think? I found this place shortly after you retired for the night.” He asked, his voice hopeful. More than anything he wanted to see her happy, to give her just a brief reprieve from the hardships of their journey. Maybe even more than that, he wanted someone to share this with, someone who could also appreciate such a small marvel in nature.

“It’s…” Tav shook her head as she let out a few gasping laughs. The colorful lights from the water danced across her awe-struck face, knocking the breath out of him.

“It’s incredible, Halsin! I’ve never seen anything like it.” Her laughs were heartier now, the sound filling his chest with the familiar warmth her company often brought.

Oak Father preserve me, that smile…

She continued laughing as she skipped along the edge of the water. Chasing the little creatures that swam up close to them, she looked like a child that had just been given a new toy. After a few more moments, the lights started to fade. She turned back to him, her lower lip stuck out in a slight pout.

“What happened?”

“They fade after a while, but disturbing the water will bring them back. Here.” He offered the other rock in his hand to her. She giggled with glee and tossed the small stone into the water, once again gasping as the tiny creatures lit up the ripples. Her laughs were pure delight cutting through the eerie stillness of the Underdark.

“Are they dangerous?” She had squatted down by the water, her hand resisting the temptation to reach out into it.

“As far as I am aware, no they are not.” He barely had the words out before she had her hand running through the water alongside them. The little dots of light trailed along in the wake created by her wiggling fingers.

The overwhelming affection he felt watching her made him lightheaded. A stirring in his heart that had been dormant for so long returned stronger than ever. For just a moment, there was no grief or guilt, no weight of responsibility. For just one precious moment, there was only the joy of sharing this experience with someone new, someone he was starting to truly care for. Someone who could maybe care for him too, although he didn’t dare to hope.

“I thought perhaps this could raise your spirits a bit. Being your first time in the Underdark, I figured you would be unfamiliar with these creatures.” He shifted in place, kicking the dirt at his feet. “I have precious little in the way of gifts, but I thought I could at least share this with you. After everything you’ve done for me, it’s the least I could do. I wasn’t sure what you–” Tav cut him off with a hug.

“It’s amazing. Thank you.” She squeezed his waist, and he heard her sniffle against his chest. Once again, he let himself relax into her inviting arms.

“You are most welcome.” The lights faded as he stood there hugging her back, returning the area to its usual darkness.

When she pulled away from him, she went right back to the edge of the water, picking up another rock to bring the glow back. Her look of childlike curiosity returning to her face the moment the little creatures began their colorful dance along the waves.

“Would you like to stay here with me for a while?” She turned to ask him, her smile still plastered across her face.

I think I would stay here with you forever.

“Of course. It’s not every day that you get to experience such a wonder.” He responded, no longer referring to the dancing lights in front of them. Halsin’s eyes never left Tav, even after she turned her attention back to the water in front of her.

She took a seat at the edge of the pond, patting the ground next to her for him to come sit. He happily obliged so they could watch the strange creatures together. Their lights bathed Tav in a soft glow, highlighting every line and curve on her face. He studied every detail, committing it to his memory. The freckles that covered her face and shoulders, the sharp line of her jaw, the small tattoo of a broken sword on her throat. Her long hair tumbled loosely around her shoulders, the colorful lights from the water reflected in the soft locks. The pointed tips of her ears stuck out between the strands. They would twitch a bit each time she smiled at the tiny creatures in front of her.

Why do you tempt yourself like this? What did you hope to accomplish in bringing her here?

Of course, he knew the answer. All he wanted was to see her smile, to see her laugh. He wanted any excuse to be alone with her, any excuse to hug her or touch her. Taking every chance to have those little moments of intimacy that he had craved for decades.

“Thank you…for thinking of me.” Tav sighed.

As if I could think of anything else of late.

“But please don’t think that you owe me anything.” She turned to look at him.

“You’re too modest. I would not be here if not for you. That is a debt I doubt I could ever repay.”

Tav seemed lost in thought for a moment, tossing another rock into the water to bring the strange light show back.

“Then consider the debt forgiven. I truly don’t want you to feel like you owe me anything. I want you to stay with m…us…because you want to. I want you to share things like this because you want to. Not because you feel obligated.” He could just make out tears gathering and threatening to spill down her cheeks.

“I can assure you, Tav, that I am here of my own accord. I promise you that despite the hardships, despite the dangers ahead, I am here because it is where I am needed. I…” He trailed off as he found himself lost in her kind eyes.

“When I found this place, I thought only of you. I wanted to share it only with you.” Her endearing blush crept over her face and cheeks at his words. He could feel his own face warming as well, causing him to snap his attention back to the water in front of him.

They sat in silence for a while, the only sound being the occasional rock Tav threw into the water.

“Why do we stay so long in places that make us so unhappy?” She whispered the question, almost as if she didn’t mean to speak it out loud.

“What do you mean?” Halsin had a moment of panic, was she unhappy here?

“Being here, now I’m…happy. I’m happy to be here with you, I’m happy to see these tiny new creatures for the first time. I’m happy to have our traveling party, despite the circumstances of how we met. But I spent a long time being very unhappy when I didn’t have to be.”

Halsin sat and listened quietly, waiting to let her share her thoughts. She took a deep, trembling breath.

“My family…” She trailed off. “My father wasn’t…isn’t…a good person.”

“He was awful to me and my brother. Honestly, I’m not sure which of us he hated more. I was useful to him, and he was more than happy to use me. But gods was he terrible to Tev’aron.” A few tears slid down her cheeks, shining with the different colors from the lights in the water.

“If I spoke out of turn, if I rebelled, Tev was usually the one who paid the price, not me. He knew that was a much more effective punishment. That’s not to say he didn’t take the opportunity to hurt me as well, but somehow it stung less than watching Tev suffer on my behalf.” Her voice was so small, the woman sitting next to him seemed to transform into a frightened young girl for a moment, shivering in the dark.

“Despite always paying for my mistakes, Tev loved me, he looked after me. He always came to my rescue even though it meant suffering for him. And I let him take on that suffering for so many years.

“I could have left, Tev begged me to for years before he escaped. We could have snuck out and made a new life for ourselves much sooner than we did. I could have saved both of us so much pain…” The small breaks in her voice brought tears to his eyes.

“Why did I stay?” She turned to face him. Her eyes were pleading for an answer that he couldn’t give.

Halsin was hardly the best person to ask. How long did he stay at the grove despite his sadness? For years before he met Tav he had yearned to roam and explore, to return to Moonrise to bring back the light, to return to his home in the High Forest. Yet, he also stayed. How long had he denied himself happiness in the name of responsibility?

“Often times I don’t think we know how truly miserable we are until someone comes along to show us. The pull of obligation and responsibility is a strong one. I think we need just a small glimpse of freedom to know what we’re missing, but once we have it…” He reached out to take one of her hands. “It’s impossible to look back.”

She smiled weakly back at him.

“No person can break through such hardship alone. We need others to help lift that veil, and it sounds to me like Tev did that for you. Even if it took longer than you would have liked.”

“I just wish I could have repaid the favor, you know?” She sniffled.

Oh Tav, so willing to forgive everyone’s debts except your own.

“Perhaps you have.” He said, his voice soft. She gave him an inquisitive look in response.

“You may not have been able to do the same for your brother…but look at what you’ve done for everyone here with you now. How many of us here have been shown the freedom and happiness we’ve desired through you? You are a guiding light in the darkness helping to brighten our path. You are far too hard on yourself, my friend. I think Tev would be quite proud to see what you’ve done for the others in your care.”

“I miss him, Halsin.” She wiped a few more tears from her face.

“I know, Tav. I know.” And he did. His entire family had passed, parents and siblings alike. It had been so long that he could hardly recall any details about them. Only fragments remained, his mother’s hair, his father’s strong hands, his sister’s laugh…

His thoughts were interrupted when Tav leaned over to him and planted a quick kiss on his cheek. The gesture made his breath catch and his heart stop. His fingers moved to his face to trace the spot where her lips met his skin.

“I’m so glad I met you, Halsin. You’re…a wonderful friend.” She smiled that oh so sweet smile at him, once again stirring him to his core. The tiny lights reflected in her teary eyes caused them to sparkle. They were sitting so close, all he would have to do is lean forward a bit and feel her soft lips against his…

“You’re…beautiful.” The Elvish whisper escaped his lips before he could stop it.

Her blush returned as she stared back at him, stunned.

“What did you say?” Her smile widened.

Panic spread over him. He didn’t mean for this to happen, he should have been able to control himself. Apparently, he underestimated just how intoxicating her company would be sitting here by the glowing pond.

“I…uh…I mean you are…” He started stammering wildly, unable to form a coherent thought. His eyes wandered to her lips, desperate to feel their touch again.

Tav was about to say something when another voice called out to them from the darkness. Halsin let out a deep breath, happy to have bought himself just a little more time. She slowly took her hand back, leaving him feeling just a touch colder than before.

***

Tav and Halsin’s conversation was cut short as Astarion wandered into the small clearing. She took a quick, shaky breath to compose herself before turning to face him.

“Astarion? How long have you been up?” Tav smiled as he walked over towards them. She stood up to greet him, hoping her blush wasn’t still noticeable.

“There you are! My friend…” He giggled as he yelled out to her.

“Are you…are you drunk?” Tav snorted at Astarion’s stumbling display.

“I have…been…drunking…drinking yes.” He smiled and leaned against her shoulder. “I found a bear. He took a little of my blood, I took all of his.” His slurred words tickled her ears.

“Quite a dangerous meal. Where did you find a bear down here?” Tav giggled along with him as he leaned onto her shoulder for support.

“I mean – I think it was a bear? Big head, four legs, hair that gets stuck in your teeth…” Astarion gestured his hands toward his fangs as he recounted his tale.

“Whatever it was…I thoroughly enjoyed it.” He laughed some more as Tav put an arm around his back to help hold him up. Her breath caught as she felt lines of raised skin through his flowy shirt.

“Astarion?” She asked as she moved her hand across his back, feeling more bumps and lines as she went along.

“Darling, if you want to keep touching me like that, you’ll need to find something to drink too.” He moved his face to be much closer to hers and booped her nose, a goofy smile spread across his face. She gently pushed him back as she laughed at his drunken display.

“No, you lightweight. What’s on your back? Did you get hurt and not tell anyone? It feels like there’s some scarring.” She tried to bring him over to sit down, but with a sudden moment of sobriety he spun out of her grasp.

“What? No, it’s nothing.” He blurted. “Just probably some dirt and rocks from wrestling with that bear.” His eyes darted around him, and she noticed one of his hands shaking. “Maybe learn to keep your hands to yourself, my friend. Then we won’t have silly misunderstandings like these.” He turned to continue stumbling off toward their camp.

“Wh–” Tav started to stammer, looking at Halsin who seemed equally confused.

Watching him walk away brought her dream back to the front of her mind. The way his messy curls bounced around his head, disappearing into the dark environment, brought Tev back to her for just a moment. How she watched him run from her to his freedom…

She forced herself back to the present. Astarion wasn’t leaving, he was just going back to camp. And Tev…Tev wasn’t here anymore.

“Are there…bears in the Underdark?” She turned her attention away from Astarion as he continued to stagger away from them.

“Not typically, no.” Halsin’s expression shifted to concern.

“Then what the hells did he dr–” Tav was stifling a laugh when he cut her off.

“Perhaps I should go check on him…make sure it wasn’t anything too poisonous.” He chuckled alongside her as he ran after the inebriated vampire. She followed a little slower behind them, fighting the ridiculous smile tugging at her lips.

You’re…beautiful.

They were words she had heard countless times in her life, usually a drunken slur into her ears as she entertained yet another potential benefactor for her father. Or used by her father himself. Words of flattery were often thrown her way but seldom made her feel anything.

But from Halsin? It was like she was hearing it for the first time. The way he whispered it to her, it was like he couldn’t control the words forming, they just spilled out. He didn’t say it because he wanted something from her, he said it as if he couldn’t possibly hold it in any longer. Her heart was still racing from the short conversation.

When she kissed his cheek, the sensation was sparks against her lips, setting the kindling in her heart aflame; a fire that filled her chest and warmed her entire body. She licked her lips lightly as she walked with the hope that she could maybe still taste him there. When they first met, she was enamored with his handsome face and broad, muscled shoulders. The first time Tav saw him smile, she had thought for sure she was going to faint. At their party with the tieflings, she had propositioned him hoping for a night of raw passion and pleasure. After all, they’d only known one another less than a day. But of course, if he had wanted to get to know one another better afterwards that would have been a welcome bonus.

Flash forward to today and here she was blushing like a little schoolgirl over a kiss on the cheek and fawning over two little words…

You’re…beautiful.

Now, Tav wanted much more than a single night of fun and lust. She wanted to curl up in his lap and fall asleep to the sound of his breaths and heartbeat. She wanted to run her hands through his hair again, gently untangling the little braids he weaved into the strands. She wanted to keep hearing his laugh and feel the way it shook his entire torso. And gods did she want to kiss that gorgeous face. All along his scars, the tips of his nose and ears, slowly making her way to his lips.

Tav took a deep breath, drawing in the cool air to douse the flames starting to rage inside of her. From the way he spoke, Halsin wanted something more, but for the life of her she couldn’t figure out what that was.

You’re…beautiful.

“Taaaavvvvv…” Astarion’s slurred cry brought her head down from the clouds. She looked up just in time to see him throwing up in the bushes behind his tent. Halsin stood next to him, giving him reassuring pats on the back.

“Oh Astarion…” She came over to help Halsin hold him up. “Did you find out what the fuck he was drinking?”

“Well, if we’re going by his description…some unholy cross between a bear, a bulette, a lich and just a touch of beholder.”

Tav snorted. “Well, that’s quite an abomination. Should we be concerned?”

“I don’t think so. We should let him purge as much of it as possible and then monitor him for a while.” Halsin gave him a couple more pats on the back as he threw up some more. Tav gagged at the sight.

“Oh gods…why is it blue?” She turned away to try and calm her own stomach.

“Oh, Tav…don’t tell me you’re squeamish from a bit of vomit. Last time we were in the Underdark you nearly lost a leg.” Halsin laughed at her.

“When it’s blue?! Yeah, it makes me a little squeamish. Blood is blood, vomit is…well it shouldn’t be that color.”

He shook his head fondly at her gagging.

“Okay darlings, I’m ready to wash all of this down with a nice glass of wine.” Astarion spun around and almost faceplanted into the dirt. Luckily Halsin still had ahold of his shirt and caught him.

“Okay my friend, why don’t you come sit with Tav and I by the fire?” Halsin persuaded him to follow them.

Halsin sat their pale friend between them on one of the logs they had rolled over by the fire pit. He leaned onto Tav’s shoulder and groaned. She rested her cheek on his head.

“Astarion, love, are you okay?” More groaning. She pushed some of his hair from his face and tucked it among the strands on the top of his head. The way his white curls stuck out in all directions after his sojourn from camp reminded her so much of Tev. He could never be bothered to run a comb through that mop of hair unless she did it for him. Instinct took over and she started smoothing the wild strands down on his head to tame them. Her fingers made quick work of the tangled curls, coercing them back into place.

“Perhaps we need to find him something safe to eat. I must admit that I’m not overly familiar with vampire physiology. Can they be hungover?” Halsin snickered.

“No worries, I can help with that.” She tilted Astarion’s head back slightly as she wrapped an arm around his shoulders, causing him to giggle. Once again, she felt the raised bumps and lines along his back.

Definitely scars.

“Here buddy, you need to drink some healthy blood.” Tav placed her free wrist up close to his mouth.

“Wait! Are you sure?” Halsin looked startled at her offer.

“Don’t worry, he mostly has his hunger under control. I’ve let him drink my blood a couple of times.”

“Mostly?” Halsin’s eyes were wide with worry.

“It’s fine, Halsin. I trust him. Besides, if I start looking too pallid you can just pull him off me. I doubt he’ll be able to put up much of a fight.” She winked at him as Astarion brought his mouth to her arm.

The familiar sting of his fangs sinking into her soft flesh caused her to draw in a sharp breath. Halsin tensed on the other side of Astarion, panic evident on his face. After a moment, the initial pain faded and Tav relaxed. She hugged him a little tighter and stroked Astarion’s arm as he fed from her other wrist. His head made its way back onto her shoulder.

“Not many people would trust a vampire not to drain every drop of blood from their body.” Halsin kept his wary eyes moving between the two of them.

“Despite his aloof and prickly attitude, I really do think he cares about us. Besides, look at him. He is absolutely clobbered right now, he could hardly kill a fly in this state.” She rested her head back on top of his. Halsin was studying them intently when Astarion dropped her wrist and turned toward him.

“So, mister Archdruid…” His words were a little less slurred than before. A little. “When are you going to lock this little elf lady down, eh?” He tried to tap Halsin on the nose, but missed and poked him in the eye instead.

“Ow.” Halsin laughed as he placed Astarion’s hand back in his lap.

“Ha! Okay Astarion, you shouldn’t talk with your mouth full, it’s awfully rude, love.” Tav shoved her wrist back into his mouth to cut him off, desperate to conceal the redness coming over her face. His teeth sunk back into the small punctures from his first bite without a struggle.

They sat in uncomfortable silence as he continued to suck the warm blood from her veins. After a couple of minutes, she pulled her arm away. Astarion gave a small pout at the move.

“No need to sulk, Astarion. Our friend is going to need her strength today.” Halsin helped him stand up. They helped move him down to Halsin’s bedroll that was still spread out near the fire.

“I don’t sulk, darling, I brood.” He mumbled before falling face first onto the soft fabric. After drinking her blood, his cheeks had started to take on a bit of a rosy hue.

“Of course, my apologies.” Halsin chuckled as he sat back down next to Tav, closer than before now that Astarion was no longer between them.

“Aw man, is Astarion okay?” Karlach had woken up and joined them.

“He’ll be fine.” Halsin assured her. “He just chose a poor target for his evening meal.”

“What did he eat?”

“No idea.” They answered at the same time. Tav filled Karlach in on their encounter with him from the morning. She left out the detail about his scars, there was something about them that he didn’t want to share, and she felt it wasn’t her place to reveal them.

“Poor Fangs.” Karlach went and sat on the ground next to Astarion.

“Let me see your hand.” Halsin was offering his out to Tav.

She placed her bloodied wrist in his hand, the partially congealed bite marks had stopped oozing. Both punctures had a tiny bruise encircling it. His now familiar magic surged around her, closing the wounds and healing the small bruises left there.

Even once all evidence of the bite was gone, he kept a gentle grip on her wrist. His thumb ran over the area where she had been bitten, the feather light touch sent shivers through her body. She bit her lip as she watched him trace small circles into the sensitive skin.

“Ahem!” Karlach cleared her throat while grinning at them. They snapped their heads toward her, startled. “Oh good, just wanted to make sure you remembered I was here.”

Halsin dropped her hand and scooted a couple of inches away from her. Karlach kept her grin spread across her face as she stood up.

“Who’s on breakfast duty today? I’m going to go and kick their tent walls to get them moving. Mama K’s getting hungry.” She skipped off toward Gale’s tent to try and coerce some cooking out of him.

“I uh, I should probably start getting our things around for the day.” Tav stood up and turned back to Halsin, twirling strands of hair around her fingers. He followed her up from their seats.

“Listen, Tav…” He started. “About what I said, I…it’s just…y-you are beautiful, obviously…I didn’t mean to…” He let out a grunt and averted his eyes as a flustered blush fell over his face and neck.

Tav reached up and lightly held his chin between her fingers, bringing his gaze back to meet hers. Her thumb traced the small scar there causing his eyelids to flutter at the touch.

“You’re pretty easy on the eyes yourself.” His lips parted to let out a soft sigh. “Thank you again for sharing that with me.” She let her hand drop.

“Anytime.” He whispered.

“Are you okay with keeping an eye on Astarion while we go explore today?”

“Of course, I think it’s for the best if he stays here to rest for a bit.” Halsin glanced over his shoulder where Astarion was still lying by the fire.

“Thank you, I’ll feel better knowing you’re here with him.” She gave a light squeeze of his arm before turning to gather her things for the day. His light touches on her wrist lingered, making her chest feel warm again.

Tav tried to shift her focus back to the treacherous outing they had planned for the day ahead. More exploring in the Underdark, a search for murderous duergar, and a secret fortress hidden somewhere that would lead them to Moonrise Towers and the shadow curse. Despite the dangers they faced, those two sweet words still rang in the front of Tav’s mind.

You’re…beautiful.

[tev-the-random]

And I suddenly found a new obsession

- Friendly meetup with old members of our deceased choir group, November 2019: my friends excitedly talk about Avatar: the Last Airbender. -

Friend 1: I think I’d be a waterbender.

Friend 2: I’m an earthbender at heart.

Friend 3: Fuck that shit, I’m the avatar. *turns to me* What nation do you think you’d be born into, though?

Me: ... what

Choir instructor aka our real life Uncle Iroh: Their element is air according to their astral map, so maybe they’d be an Air Nomad. *squints at me* But you do have some Earth Kingdom vibes...

Me:

Me: ... So I may or may not never have watched Avatar the Last Airbender. Ever.

*Collective gasp*

Friend 1: HOW DARE YOU

Friend 2: DISHONOR ON YOU! DISHONOR ON YOUR COW!

Friend 1: I SWEAR, I WILL KILL YOU. OR I WOULD, BUT YOU ARE ALREADY DEAD TO ME!

Friend 3: I have officially disowned you.

Friend 2: SO MUCH DISHONOR! YOU MUST CAPTURE THE AVATAR!

Choir instructor:   *sighs*

Choir instructor: *opens a Power Point presentation and prepares to give the most wholehearted explanation about the avatar cycle, the representation of the elements, chakras and chi, the way the show pulls a lot from Chinese culture and overall just how well structured the show is, surprisingly avoiding spoilers like a boss*

Me: Woah, that sounds pretty neat. I should give it a watch!

Also me: *puts it off for eight whole months*

- Cut to July 2020, where I have just given up on everything and “whatever, apparently there’s ATLA on Netflix. I’m not doing anything with my life anyway” -

Me: HOLY SHIT WHAT A GOOD SHOW. W H A T. A. G O O D. S H O W.

Me: GUYS

Friend 1: ...

Me: G U Y S ! ! !

Friend 2: what

Me: I’VE FINALLY FUCKING WATCHED AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER! IT’S! SO! GOOD! I CAN’T EVEN- HOLY FU-

Friend 3: *not looking up from his book* Good for you, buddy.

Me: BUT GUYS *continues to ramble about how good ATLA is*

Friends: *continue to ignore me despite having previously threatened me*

Me: *explodes*