#weird how thats always ignored
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The people on the banpitbull subreddit are straight up conspiracy theorists, I swear to God.
A) the statistics literally point out that the vast majority of pitbull type dogs will never have any issues and b) I'm sorry, the what lobby?
'Am I, a layman and person inexperienced in these breeds, wrong? No, it is the dog experts who gain literally nothing from a historically cheap working class breed being adopted and bred who are wrong.'
Yeah, it's weird how most people outside of your echo chamber disagree with you and how hard it is to find reliable info that agrees with you. Wonder why that is.
Golly gee. It is a mystery why you people sound like hysterical conspiracy theorists. Might have something to do with being in a forum dedicated to blasting you with child mauling pictures and videos 24/7. That might be a contributing factor.
Theres no pit lobby, because there's no incentive for one to exist. There's no conspiracy for getting bully breeds into your home because they are notoriously cheap and easy to acquire breeds so who would benefit from that? 99% of these dogs are just fine with proper training (otherwise the bite and dog related death numbers would be WAY higher considering pitbull type dogs are the second most popular breed group in the US) and the tragedies that happen with them are little different from ones that happen with other breeds every. Fucking. Year.
If you consistently find that your purview is constantly coming against general consensus, expert opinion, and math, then it might be time to admit you need to re-evaluate your worldview and get out of the 'people getting mauled' subreddit.
#things i found on reddit#i just... it sounds exactly like antivaxxers and other misinformation people#ive done the research too and you know what?#didnt reach the same conclusion as these guys#but thats cause i generally trust experts and people experienced in these breeds#and know from a lifetime of dogs that every breed is capable of harm#rotties are also massively represented in statistics despite only making up 2% of the us dog population#weird how thats always ignored#and the dog related incidents from other breeds are never talked about
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rereading the hivebent commentary makes me so annoyed that people are never really willing to analyze the actual effects that alternian culture clearly had on every troll, especially the highbloods. pretty much the only troll who ever actually gets taken in the context of her upbringing is vriska.
no one ever seems willing to think about the character arcs of trolls like equius and terezi, who are also bluebloods with extremely hypocritical and toxic understandings of the people around them-- equius is boiled down to a gross creep who is just like that naturally and definitely didn't get it from his society in any way, whilst terezi is scrubbed of virtually all her flaws and turned into a strange sort of based love interest character who is all about being gay and too cool to be tricked by any of the alternian propaganda. quadrants? classism? how silly! terezi would never believe in stupid shit like that. she's quirky! and GAY!
despite the fact that equius and terezi both obviously have much, much more to their personalities than that-- and the alternian empire is informing way more dangerous things about these kid's beliefs than "kiss annoying people".
#hsmeta#op#terezi wants to be a cop and views herself as responsible for vriska BECAUSE OF HER HYPOCRITICAL IDEAS OF JUSTICE#shes NOT just obsessed with dealing with vriska because shes interested in her she has weird freak codependency because her COP HYPOCRISY#she is also gay for vriska but thats part of the Turmoil. thats part of her struggle with her need to kill vriska.#terezi thinks shes Holier Than Everyone and that shes the only one who can kill vriska w/o it being petty revenge#ignoring that she's actually the one with more emotional investment in vriska than ANYBODY#man there are so many interesting things to say about terezi but everyone is too busy making her the mouthpiece for their Woke Takes#bcuz they actually think terezi is woke. and not a deeply confused and distraught girl with more issues than bones#i also like equius but ive made posts abt him before. lol#homestuck#i could talk about eridan and feferi and gamzee too actually#and how i rarely ever see anyone talk about them In The Context Of Alternia. its always just oh well they did a bad thing that annoyed me.#vriska gets hundreds of thousands of pages of discourse into why alternia and her upbringing affected her actions but nobody else does#idk. i went on for too long in these tags already LOL#btw the inspo for this post was my lovely partner as usual 💫
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super disorganized sketch page because i do what i want
#my art#not sure if i wanna tag these... hrm#i wonder if alt text shows up in search results.... shudders#well anyway. i wanna ramble about these!!#for willy mafton: i've been working on designing more of the human cast. mainly all the big name important ones#it's been a slow process + a little challenging but i like getting the chance to practice drawing faces! :]#in regards to His design specifically.. it's very much based off of his movie apperance#but with a reference to that Classic sprite thrown in#bc i thought making him a little cartoony and inhuman would fit him :] but idk im not an expert on his character or anything#about the rabbit lady: i forgot how i had that idea initially but it ended up looking so fucking cool tbh#im always a fan of making her design less of a feminine eye candy type of design and more of a Spooky Murderer type >:3c#it also gave me the idea to try making some similar designs for the glams...#but if i do that im not gonna be giving them that vintage rubber mask look... since they're meant to be super flashy and high tech looking#so i was thinking they could have faces with more of a silicone texture.. and that have a style based more off of their in game art work :]#so they'd be like giant dolls with weird moving faces rather than having a vintage animatronic look#also that van in the bottom middle is 100% a homage to a specific user i wont be mentioning but iykyk HFJZJFJF#ANYWAY the 🌞🌜 stuff: dont be weird about it please HFJZJG#im aware that these tags are very easy to ignore but like. genuinely pls dont be weird about them#dont romanticize it. its not meant to be ''y/ndere'' or anything like that#its actually a bit personal to me so like... interpret it as you like but be aware its not meant to be a happy or positive thing#anyway i think thats all i have to say... i've been trying to branch out a tiny bit regarding the things i draw#it's always nice to challenge yourself even if its tough... especially if its tough!!#i mainly draw just for my own sake but i hope ppl see something they like here#these tags got so fucking long oops... i'll stop now JFKZJFKSJGKSJG
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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
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I like to think in the P.E au that Anya and Curly specifically get haunted hard by Jimmy's weird reality crossing guilt manifested.
It's targeting them because Jimmy's guilt grows more around them. The idea of him acting and playing nice despite what he did. It's like a buffet that allows it to pick from their plates.
Anya sees this stagnant version of her, blood from her mouth, clutching her stomach with a bottle of pills in her other hand. She's talking about not being heard, a pixel, relief from a burden. She tries to ask a question and it's never the right one. She's not understanding but in a way, she's getting that this version of her is in pain. She tries to help, extends a hand and asks how she can help, stop it. She stares and there's utter despair and disappointment in her eyes.
What did you do?
Curly sees this burnt mangled thing. But he can't call it that. Even with no skin and chipping teeth, covered in sullied bandages and smelling of death overdue, he can see his face. He can recognized that eye, he stares at it a lot in the mirror, usually a second one is attached but he digresses. They are just watching, staring and unmoving. He asks himself what happened, how can he help and his own retched mangled voice comes out from a empty maw.
I told you.
They have no idea what it really means. They don't know who to tell. Flashes of a life they don't know or maybe a future they haven't lived yet. Perhaps they treat it as their own minds trying to tell them something. They bare that burden themselves and that alone makes it heavier. Plumper. More appetizing to the guilt causing it.
Tragically that guilt is not their own.
#refining the au and the crew cant see the entity always but pretty much its always felt sort of like a mind over matter debacle#it is like the code scanner sections where only jimmy sees it but it can kinda interact with things to an extent like a force of negative#energy jimmy cant just outright tell them cause theyll just think he's insane but he can't ignore it cause he can't ignore the guilt anymor#anya and curly are its biggest targets as it is relatively easy for him to rectify the issues with Swansea and Daisuke vs the internalized#problems he has with Anya and Curly and its sort of about him no longer becoming that person he was in that future cause its the same#timeline but like divergence he was sent back with something awful and the story is less about forgiveness and more about repenting#hes still weird and an asshole he is being tormented but no one else gets seriously hurt so bittersweet#its like a fix-it but like imagine getting put into a perfect world with all the knowledge of ur fuck ups and now being haunted by the#guilt you will do the same shit again because you already have and having to prove you arent that person but then you also prove you didnt#ever have to be that person so you damn yourself even more like this doesn't end happy for Jimmy like ill tell you that but he'll actually#learn something so yeah thats somethting but everyone is still a little worse after this but can move on happily#the demons are tormenting each other by blaming them for Jimmy's actions invertedly cause while its not her fault anya in the reg timeline#def wondered if she stayed silent if this all wouldve happened even though it really isnt her fault and Curly knew deep down how bad Jimmy#was how bad he was to him and he likely told himself Jimmy would be the end of him and a lot of other but was so beaten down he couldnt go#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#curly mouthwashing#captain curly#anya mouthwashing#nurse anya#jimmy mouthwashing#pe au#thinking of calling it pestilent equine au? that sound good? we like P.E is just the short funny name for it?
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hi guys. freak beast
#haunted ecosystem#oc: zenith#FINALLY finally putting some sort of ref down for him. i need to include a note about how he Works somewhere#but also this is. ignoring his tendency to... puppet corpses. he's weird like that#also most flawless feral anatomy ive done in months and its for THE guy thats supposed to look Off. woops#apparition sketchbook#also i swear the humanoid side is clearer i just didnt erase the body from where the clothes are lol#i have to keep in mind that he dressed in line with crosshearth since thats where he first used a humanoid form#im not including his full on human disguise in this though...#ALSO the gemstone necklace thing. thats actually functionally his heart . as a fun fact. and as to why its Always there#also please pay no mind to my janky handwriting
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oh (vent in tags)
#checks notes. so the last time me and my partner had an actual conversation was back in may#fun !!!#our relationship has become such a nothing burger ik im partly to blame cause talking is a 2 sided thing but ive been the one reaching out#which is . weird since they are the type to talk a lot to people.#ive been feeling insecure for awhile cause they made a post about how they always feel closer to their friends rather than their partners#like. im sorry ??? if its such a recurring problem... uhh . yeah.#im just having doubts that they even want to be together#im the only one who ever mentions the idea of us meeting they did when first got together#which was almost 2 years ago now... so im just.#i feel like we would both be better off breaking up. buts its been so long since we've properly spoken that it feels awkward to talk#(oh and another that always gets to me is that whenever im venting about my depression and life on my priv twt.#they just. make light out of it or joke about it ??? like. not even an are you okay or im here for you. id honestly rather they ignored it#if theyre gonna be like that#anyway that was longer than planned.#i hate long distance relationships. i never wanted to be in one !!! arghhhh im not saying i never liked them but also us getting in one#was. uh a misunderstanding. they mistook me asking for clarification on what they were saying to me as me asking them out...#i just went along with it cause i was happy at the time and i liked them a lot. but i should of explained thats on me.#i dont know where i went wrong.....
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Everytime my cis friends are like "ugh men" "hating men lol" etc etc. I have to ahhhh I have to grrrrrrrr I never know quite what to say though
#its hard to know what to say when its a viewpoint born from trauma#the people i know who talk that way have had bad experiences with boyfriends and stuff and i dont know that experience#its hard when i know that its mean to be light hearted and jokey#that doesnt excuse it#but it makes it harder to know what to say to get my point across#especially with cis people cause they dont always inherently understand the idea of gender as a construct#its weird cause its one of those things that arent immediately harmful but it has an effect over time#how do i explain that seperating gender like this only widens the patriarchical gap#while still acknowledging the pain these women have gone through that makes them want to repeat this rhetoric#i guess thats how#its the patriarchy and the system not the inherant nature of men#and acting like it is just the nature of men ignores the bigger issue and isolates people from eachother#using tumblr like a journal again whoops lol
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one thing about me is if i find it funny i will fully commit to a bit idc
#like one irl friend will do it with me but she has the same kind of brainrot lowkey but also i like reactions sometimes so ill just commit#thats on being ignored as a kid unless i was being over the top n then still ignored sometimes#i just think reactions r amusing it doesnt always have to be the one i want either as long as i get one bc ill get the one i want eventually#....im mentally ill n will not b fixing it <3#remembering watching a streamer talk about how she does bits at bars just to see reactions n dad was like weird thats psycho behavior n#i was like ....no it makes perfect sense she does that its strangers so they give the best reactions if u get them 2 react#ive said some unhinged shit knowing someone was listening just so see them react my fav was turning being touched as a kid into a rly bad#joke n i got a reaction bc i committed....i should not have committed but it was funny or the time i was like whats the worst thing#that happens if we go to the park at night rn what i get assaulted again 2day? once that one made someone walk away from us which was wanted#i wasnt having a good day clearly n didnt have a good like 3 months after
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the sonic 3 movie trailer looks so cool but honestly i am beyond disappointed that there was no sign of rouge. how can they have an sa2 adaptation with shadow but not rouge. theyre not to be separated. she needs to be there at the end getting his inhibitor ring and thinking about something better than jewels (shadow) for once. i get that its a different canon and events will be different and yadda yadda but come the fuck on man. gun is literally a part of the movies too. shes a gun agent. how could they have not put her in there. its like the movies are just like fuck all of the female sonic characters who caaaares about them
#alternative sa2 events where shadow and rouges interactions are missing just hurts me#its why sonic x feels so weird to watch sometimes even if its a childhood show for me#bc even little moments like shadows inhibitor ring being given to chris instead just feels so. wrong#like what the fuck man thats mine. give it back#the rouge kin in me is suffering. im supposed to always be by my loves side. why do they have to separate me from him#i was so stoked to see how shadow and rouge would interact in this movie#i love to see more shadow content always bc hes my wife#but to see official content to keep ignoring shadow and rouges partnership and even just leave out rouge altogether#it just. hurts. they just want shadows cool sa2 popularity over and over where hes an antagonist or at least hostile to the protags#but who cares about his closest relationships he develops once he starts healing. screw team dark amiright
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Little mostly positive waterfall ramble/rant under the cut~ (warning, I do swear a lil haha~ and feel free to ignore ofc!~)
Finally got the dumb panic-induced false confidence nerve to tell one of my only two in-person (well, one province over, but USED to be in person till earlier this year) friends about The Kink. I've told a handful of internet friends before, but never an actual real life friend I might have to see in person one day.
He actually took it really well, my other irl friend (of 15 years, his girlfriend, known him only about 3-4) would not want to know, we just don't have that type of relationship, she doesn't have that comfort level, but me and him have always been able to have deep and honest talks~
I was. Honestly scared out of my fucking mind. We were in call, but I typed the messsage and then IMMEDIATELY deafened until he read it, but once I got back we had a good talk, he asked a few questions, we made a few jokes, and overall the mood didn't change at all.
I'm honestly always so worried people will think I'm getting off to them sn--zing every time... or anyone else who does... which, ofc, just isn't how it works, but he didn't even consider that. (and made a few joking-yet-honest comments that even if I did get off to him snzing, he wouldn't honestly care. Which knowing him, is completely true~)
Anyways, this is a bit of a random/personal thing to post, but I've been so deeply ashamed of this part of me for so long, and then only recently started feeling more comfortable, and I've been toying/struggling with the idea of telling him for almost a year now, so to finally do it, and get such a good response... honestly it just feels so good. I don't think anything's gonna change in our dynamic, or get weird in any way, and that fills me with so much relief. (and yes, he knows I have a tumblr, but he promised not to search for it thank GOD)
#waterfallrants#waterfallrambles#waterfallpersonal#thats not a tag but now it is! because this is my blog! and i can do! what i want!#actively using it as a journal at this point but you know what i dont care#im out of my mind right now- literally just got off call my heart is POUNDING#but he took it so well and was like 'oh- that's it??'#the only time he was like 'woah what thats a bit weird' was when i told him how long ive felt this way (since lil child)#but otherwise he was so supportive (in his own 'makes jokes about it but gives genuine comfort with them' way)#and honestly it feels. so refreshing?? that now he.... i guess TRULY knows me?? like- knows this side of me. knows ME me#idk guys please feel free to ignore this honestly might even delete it later idk but im just kinda exhausted in a good way#it was a good talk (liek we always have) and im honestly not sure why i was even so worried in the first place ToT
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Oh also In my mind WFA and vivs shit exist in the same sphere as people thinking it’s groundbreaking work bc it’s fanfic tropes someplace “official” but it’s these same people who hem and haw for DECADES on why fandoms conveniently ignore queer women and BIPOC and think reading fanfic is the same as reading books
#the fanfic books one is more complicated in my mind but like the gist of it is#you think it’s groundbreaking bc ur the one doing it#or enjoying it#and It’s like no u Can love shit sometimes it’s ok#and like no something Im never gonna shut up about is how fandoms are preached to be so inclusive or progressive#but god forbid you tell people to stop mischaracterizing a black character and to care about women#suddenly it’s think pieces on think pieces that boil down to ‘canon only matters when it excused my bigotry’ and ‘i don’t wanna’#on that first point#It’s hilarious when ppl go it’s harder to care about female characters bc they’re not given attention by writers#like girl you ship goku and vegeta. u ship Naruto and sasuke. u ship Harry Potter and Draco malfoy#you know damn well it’s not the author stopping you#and thats old shit to remind you how prevalent it’s always been#u made up a shrimp allergy for tim Drake#AND THIS IS RHE THING#when it comes to the way female and bipoc are treated that excuse is so funny#especially in dc#Bc ur depictions of shit you made up manages to stay consistent amongst fandom as a whole#all of you can agree on shit that never happened and debate the reasons and results of shit you made up#ie tim doing the Bruce quest#‘alone’ or being threatened to get sent to Arkham or carrying the batfam and being abandoned or ignored or being treated badly by Bruce bc#of Jason etc.#y’all can make METAS on all that shit but the second I say it’s weird that Duke is always the normal one or chaotic gremlin with nothing to#who he is yall get mad
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I NEEED to go back to making art that makes it ABUNDANTLY clear that theres something wrong with my brain BUT NOT in a cool or stylishly interesting way. i need to do it in a way that makes people say "hm." and walk away
#sowwy ive been kinda going through it in my fine arts major rn can u tell HJKSDHKFd#ive been feeling like. scared. and paralyzed by marketability and branding.#i cant stop thinking about how other people will see my art. but not like in a good way#when i was younger i thought about it in a good way. like hee hee hoo hoo the act of looking connected us hee hee#but rn i keep thinking about it in like this wretched like consumer product mindset? ouhhghhhhh el problema es el capitalismo#and like maybe this works for some people. to think like this. to make art like this. its what my professors push me towards#not intentionally. they dont say it out loud at least. im not sure if they know or not some of the irony#my professors are nice and pretty smart and talented and i like em. but sometimes i wonder like. the push for us as students to make like#marketable 'avant garde'? stuff thats safe but pretending to be weird and out there#i dont mean to sound pretentious. in general i play it too safe myself (spent too much time as an edgy 10 year old with my#parents freaking out over my shoulder because they think the fact that i drew an anime character frowning means something serious LOL)#but i dunno man. my least interesting art with the least amount of care thought or effort always gets so much more attention in school#nowhere else oddly. online? people like my more passionate but seemingly frivolous art (oc art etc. not frivolous to me but yknow how it is#same with irl artists and other industry people outside my school. whats going on in my school LOL#i know from experience i cant push myself into a supposedly marketable brand. if i try to make something sell it will not.#i dont know why. maybe theres an invisible essence buyers can tell when i didnt care jkfsldjdfrds#but my teachers LOOOOVE the stuff i put no passion in its so bizarre orz but i gotta relearn how to ignore half of their advice#i used to be better at it. but i also only used to ignore like a quarter of their advice. maybe i need to amp up how much im ignoring#that sounds mean. they have plenty of good advice. but also plenty of advice thats clouded by their own biases#and i gotta relearn how to sort out this stuff again. i forget every few months for some reason#you know i always think ouuhhhhh i act so neurotypical ouhhhhhhhhh im outgoing i talk to strangers all the time i seem confident#im so masked IM SO MASKED but then i go a couple weeks where every conversation i have has people looking at me like#i have two heads and neither of them are speaking their language. and then i descend into madness like this HJKLDSHJDS#i'll be fine i'll figure it out. i need to stop trying to get a good grade in being a 'cutting edge' conventional artist <3#i need to just. draw my cartoon characters in peace 😔😔😔
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fellas.... the art is not going well tonight, I'm ready to start gnawing on my sketchbook
WOE to the artist who tries to draw shit above their skill level AUGH
#IT DOESNT LOOK BAD PER SE BUT ITS NOT WORKING HOW I WANT IT TOOOOOOOO#if i had a hat rn I'd eat it out of frustration SBDHFHDJL#i want to share some kind of art though so djdsjfkdl I'll just. share this frustration LMAO#ignore the alphacritters in the bg btw lol thats there for the kiddos and Sunny in the system dsbdjdkl#i think theyre fun too and they were a cool weird thrift store find so djdkdl#THIS SORT OF STUFF IS WHY IM ALWAYS STARTLED WHEN PPL SAY I HAVE GOOD ANATOMY SKILL OR WHATEVER#i am FIGHTING for my LIFE in this sketchbook SBDHDJKL#i have no idea what im doing dhdkskl i just look at pictures and adjust things til they look right#75% of the time its pure luck the other 25% of the time i maybe have some sort of idea of the right ''vibe'' of the anatomy SHDJDKL#i gotta do some real studies at some point of muscle groups or smth idk dhfkdl maybe skeletal structure would be good#okay anyhowdy im rambling down here sorry SBJDKSL hope everyone is having a good day/night/etc#im going to... give up for tonight and go to sleep maybe djdhfkdl#throwing in the towel bc goddamn. bites my sketchbook. curse my inability to draw vertical angling and whatnot#dandy.cmd#doodlebug.jpeg
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Oh boy I sound so cute when I cum I never realized 😅
#can you tell i recorded myself for the first time ever lol#adding that to my own wank bank 😌#i never did it because i thought i'd sound weird#also i have body image problems so i was always like thats a no go zone for anything#how things change! :3#ignore me#dont @ me if you dont know me btw#dni
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mental breakdown in the tags incoming scroll past for your own well being
#so like im just WORRIED#cause like what if ive fully just convinced myself i think he's attractive but I actually dont think he is and I'm just jerking him around#and actinf like i think hes cute cause hes the first guy im not even joking basically ever since the ripe old age of 9 except for cameron#idgaf about his privacy he can fuck off but anyway he is like the first guy other than tiny little awkward 9 year olds to show me any form#of attention. and what if im craving it so bad im just convincing myself that i like him? like am i doing that? cause never in my life have#i gotten like those fucking butterflies or whatever around guys cause ive never been around them much so ive always felt so awkward around#them and just ignored them. like i even have a hard time talking to my male coworkers and looking them in the eye. and i just make up these#scenarios where every single male coworker that ever showed me any form of attention is actually secretly going to fall in love with me and#its like FUCK is that just all I'm doing? pretending? on both ends? but then i have to tell myself that my anxiety is more often than not#full of shit. but like ive craved attention all my life and what if im juat latching on to the first guy that gives that to me? i don't#wanna be that asshole. im just scared. how does everyone just date people? i thought for a while i may be ace in some way#but im also just wondering if i repressed myself that fucking much from literally age 6 that it did that much damage to me? cause ive always#been weird about myself and my body and things like that and i vividly remember wearing a tank top at age 6 in school and being freaked out#the whole day that i would get dress coded. i need to unpack this in therapy hardcore. cause i was also sa-ed when i was younger but i can't#exactly remember how old i was.#but i just think ive always repressed myself and pushed all of that down to the point that i dont know what it feels like? cause i watch#movies and read books and listen to music qnd im like hmm thats never happened to me something must be Wrong With Me.#thanks for coming to my ted talk#im so fucking nauseous#is that butterflies lmao#🎸
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