#wednesday: I literally couldnt care less

[vaniloqu3nce]

This is honestly another one of my favorite scenes to hyperfixate on. There are very few instances in the show where we see Wednesday looking genuinely shocked/confused/disturbed and this is one of them.

This is probably just my headcanons running wild but…

While Wednesday did mislead Enid to get her there and put her in danger in the first place, you can tell when they’re being chased by the Hyde that she’s protecting Enid. From Wednesday’s point of view, this obviously means she cares in some capacity. The beginning scene of the show with the piranhas is how we know that’s how Wednessay shows she cares, not through words but actions.

As soon as she heard Tyler scream and Wednesday realized they were in danger she stuffs Enid in the dumbwaiter FIRST and then gets in and tries to protect them.

And then after all that and finding SOME clues Enid says this and she just looks dumbfounded.

Wednesday is really like, “I wear the snood, I take down the murder board, you’re not dead, what more could I do?”

I think starting here and throughout their fight, Wednesday realize Enid needs to be told and shown care in a different way than she’s normally used to. And THEN. The little affectionate speech Wednesday attempts to give to reassure Enid.

“The mark you left on me is indelible.” You can TELL our girl has learned something, look at her trying to show her girlfriend she cares after and is willing to put in effort for Enid’s needs the way Enid does her. WHAT OTHER person gets a speech like that from Wednesday. Nobody. They’re girlfriends case closed.

I know I’m probably reading too deeply into things, but I saw someone post this and my mind starting racing back to the scene and everything that followed. I wanted to share my thoughts because it’s honestly one of my favorite scenes because Wednesday is not going to outright say “I care” to Enid but she looked appalled that Enid even had to ask. I love it. This scene isn’t ran over with a queer magnifying glass enough.

Wednesday isn’t the type of person to verbalize she cares…until Enid wants to hear it. Smh our girl is whipped.

[montypng]

meant to send you a message last night but my brain was scrambled and i was too busy crying so i had to wait until now. i just wanted to say thank you so much for the beautiful art you made for deep end :') your enj & r design is so perfect and i love your style! there literally are no words to express how excited i was to see it (not to mention how many times i have scrolled back to look at it again in the last twelve hours. it's not an insignificant amount). i just genuinely love every detail you included, the moments you chose.... everything about it. from the bottom of my heart, thank you for the time & energy & care you have given deep end and that you put into your beautiful art :''')

thank you so much for your words, im so so glad you liked my art!!! if it has given you even a fraction of the joy i felt reading each deep end upload, then im happy :] your tags were incredibly kind as well, i took a screenshot so i could reread them...its incredible to think my work could have elicited such a reaction but hey, i have teared up reading deep end so i guess its a favour repaid >_> lengthy reply under the cut bc it became abominably long haha

i dont want to go on too much of a rant here (i will anyways it seems) but i think one of the things that struck me the most about deep end is how obvious the love that you put into writing it is. i know you've mentioned before how much you rewrote it over and over again, and i have to say in the best way possible that i could feel that reading it. every single chapter is written with such direction and clarity of purpose, it was truly a gift to be able to read something crafted with such meticulous attention to detail. i never felt that any line, hint of characterization, or plot detail was ever put there out of coincidence. cosette being a law student, too. the entirety of cosette's character and your emphasis on her agency as a person with a life that does not revolve around her brother. and somehow you kept touching on these weird little details that personally hit me hard? somehow?? grantaire reading hamlet (my favourite shakespeare !) and his opinion abt horatio (of course he likes horatio), the plot irrelevant but wholly appreciated discussion of the ending of the thing, thnks fr th mmrs and dammit janet in quick succession during karaoke, orpheus/eurydice in chapter 17 and the franklin expedition tidbit in 14, the whole art museum part....

some of my favourite lines:

“An animal in a trap will chew off its own leg to escape. You have no idea how much of my own blood I had to swallow to get out of there.” "The meeting had gone forty minutes longer than usual because for every word Enjolras said, Grantaire had to pick the bones clean, had to suck the marrow out." and shortly thereafter, "piano-wire tension", and "Less of a weapon and more of an instrument, for once. Press the key, see how he sings." "He wants to be comforted without being known. He wants to be loved without being understood. He wants to cry on a stranger’s shoulder and never see them again, never have to know their pity." <this one had my eyes wet while i was in a lecture i won't lie

and of course, the opening lines to top all opening lines:

"Enjolras’ father is buried on a Wednesday. The placement of the funeral in the middle of the week feels purposeful. Make this loss your centerfold, his mother seems to say. Build your life around it."

also — the quotes you chose to include in your summaries of each chapter were perfect every time. kudos for that!!!

all that to say: yeah, it was probably inevitable that i would be driven to draw something for deep end (i took screenshots of certain parts to draw later while reading this fic!! i almost never do that but i couldnt help myself!!!). one of those pieces of fiction that drives you to create (and push me out of art block, apparently). thank you again for sharing your work, deep end is truly something special and i cant wait to read the epilogue❤️❤️

(and if you've read all the way to the end of this monster of a reply: yes, you thought right...! i did draw a little mouse on the cover of grantaire's book, hes reading the tale of despereaux :] reading your grantaire is what finally pushed me to make a character playlist for him....and r smoking in the last drawing even if it isnt a scene in deep end is a reference to your other fic love is in the air, i just gotta figure out a window to break out. you know, for the connoisseurs. ;])

[alittlesimp]

rant time 😍

[oflgtfol]

and my mom’s been bugging me to watch twd with her bc for some fucking reason 3 entire twd shows are airing episodes this week and next week and its like. mom i ltierally dont have fuckig time

[virtue-and-beneviolence]

okay so I’ll tell this to anyone who’s willing to listen but picture this; putting makeup on shuji. It’s a well known fact that he’s a pretty boy and he’d look so good with glitter and eyeliner on his face so when you tell him “hey I’ve always wanted to do those couple vlogs” and he asks u what kind and u tell him that u wanna try slutty eye makeup on him and he’s ALL FOR IT hed never deny you happiness so if putting some lipstick on him gets you happy then why tf not? You set up the camera to record yalls lil makeup tutorial and honestly kinda surprised how easily he agreed to this whole thing like you were expecting him to reply with “sure baby as long as you suck me off afterwards♡” like ok?? But anyways so you’re putting the makeup on him while kinda explaining to the camera what ur doing and he’s such a lil whore bruh the way he’s looking at you with his already slutty eyes as he can’t keep his hands off of u, literally started by holding your waist as you dab concealer under his eyes and as you move towards the eyeliner part u warn him not temper with your artwork as his hands are literally kneading your ass like dough and he goes “whaaa?? baby I’m literally helping you relax wym?” Has a lil shit eating grin on his face and then pulls u onto his lap as u whisper scream at him lowkey and his excuse you “babe I’ve seen you more than enough to know that putting eyeliner is serious business so im just helping you have a steady hand if you’ll sit comfortably it’ll go well duh” at this point you’re not even sure what you’re doing and honestly even forgot about the vlog thing he’s just so painfully distracting who said it’ll be a great idea to put makeup on him being so close? Now it’s time for lipstick and u ask him which shade he wants from the variety of lipsticks you got and he pretends to think for a bit saying “hmnn the same one you got on rn doll” as he holds you by the neck with one hand and pulls you towards him to give you a big and lasting kiss safe to say that the lip combo you applied on your lips so perfectly is now all smudged and half of it is transferred to his smirking lips but you couldnt care less he’s your pretty lil boy<3

Since I'm fully not doing match ups ATM anyway bc of circumstances and negligence,,,

This is gold, fucking GOLD but there's MORE-

OKAYOkayY look. The cat's out of the bag now. Shuji is actually so good at eyeliner okay. He will do your eyeliner. For fun. He will ask to do your eyeliner at 11 pm on a Wednesday night because he just wants to be close and have an excuse to look at your face close up and UGH SHUJI IN HIS GLASSES WITH HIS CONCENTRATION FACE AND MUSSED HAIR IS UGH SO DELECTABLE.

Shuji starts off by very casually tugging you closer by your calves to nestle you into his lap and tucks your legs around his waist. And when you start buffering a little because no one can get used to his cheeky charms istg he puts his forehead to yours, chuckles and pecks at your lips asking if you're ready. He likes to give you interesting looks and you feel the wet liner brush just below and to the side of the outer areas of your eyes and you're confused at first. But when he shows you the final look, he's written a tiny "sin" and "punishment" in pink liner complete with a tiny freehand heart jdkxsmmeckdk

Ugh. Doing shujis make up. Getting your make up done by shuji. Both are also good.

I am, however compelled to share that doing his hair is a nightmare. You've never met a pickier self proclaimed low maintenance man in your LIFE.

[mistymark]

the one with the annotations.

dong sicheng x reader // 3.7k words // masterlist // send requests here

summary; in which sicheng keeps writing in the books at the library and it should be obvious but that’s,,, not,,, allowed???

warnings: none its just fluff, theres some humour if u like,, squint

requested; yes :D - “Enemies to lovers 👀 with sicheng? Love your writing btw 💕” from anon

notes; based on this prompt: ”You’ve got to stop returning books full of corrections and spiteful comments in red pen bc I can’t stop reading them and my boss gives me disapproving glares when I laugh at the funny ones

ohhhhh boi

so while you were at uni you had a part time job at the library

because surprise surprise as a lit major you like books

shocker there

you always tried to work the late shifts, closing up and doing the returns

just because it was easy and relaxing organising and restacking the books

but soon you wished you took the earlier shifts

because of dong sicheng

not to be dramatic but

your long rival

he started coming to the library to borrow books

because that’s kind of the point of a library

but he ended up liking the environment for studying

and would stay there for hours just to study

and you’d admire his hardworking nature

if he left on time, that is

you would do the rounds ten minutes before closing

just to tell everyone like

‘hey, we’ll be closing in around ten minutes if you want to begin packing up’

but this bitch

would nEVER PACK UP ON TIME

you’d end up standing at his table with your bag and the keys in your hand

tapping on the wood to try and get his attention

and him slowly packing up afterwards

even tho he kNOWS you want to go home

‘you’re just as slow as you were in kindergarten hey?’

and he’d be so furious

‘you know you cheated’

‘I don’t remember any such thing’

and maybe you did maybe you didn’t

you were like four years old

as if you’d remember a race you won when you were that age

he just rolls his eyes and leaves as you lock the doors

you leave in the other direction

happily leaving him behind

but he stops by every Monday Tuesday and Thursday night to study

which are the days you work as well

he acts like it’s just part of his schedule 

but he worked out if he came in on Wednesday’s he didn’t have the opportunity to annoy you

and honestly?

annoying you at the end of your shift and after a long session of studying was the highlight of his night

but he keeps borrowing books

and you’re like

whatever

until he borrows this new book you’ve been wanting to read for ages

and you were low-key so bitter

this lil bitch has no way of knowing you wanted that book but somehow he does and that’s the only reason he’s borrowed it

even though,, he literally had no idea lmao

tbh u probably would have wanted to talk to him about the books he reads bc u have very similar taste

okay the same taste

but he’s such an asshole ur like nah fam

anyways he returns it after a week

boy reads fast ok

and when he goes to drop it in the returns box

you just take it from his hand and scan it under your name straight away

and put it under the desk so no one else can borrow it

and when there’s a lull in the work at the library

you reach under the table for the book and rifle through it

and you notice a few pencil marks

and upon further inspection you realise they’re comments referencing certain parts of the book

and you do nOT stand for vandalism

but some of them are fuckin hilarious not gonna lie

on the page you just happened to open

you can see there’s a comment beside a passage of text depicting a fight scene

‘this would kill someone wtf’

and u laugh and wonder who had done this

like the book had only been out for a little while

and u finish it in just less than a week

bc u read a lot during your shifts

probably a lot more than you should tbh

and seriously the comments made the book better

you hadn’t laughed so hard at random commentary so much

like the words were exactly what you were thinking

you couldnt help it

while ur putting some of the books back in the middle of your shift

!!!! you see another book that u might like !!! 

not to judge a book by its cover butttttttt

it looks like ur type oop-

and after flipping through it

to get an idea of font size and chapter length cause ur a whole nerd like that

u see it ALSO has pencil markings

in the borders and underlining sentences

and without even thinking u borrow it

just to read the funny comments again

and ur boss comes up to you during your shift and is like

‘have you seen someone’s been writing in the books? look at this’

and thrusts a book in ur face

and ur like ??????? okay chill I’ll look

and u read the writing she’s pointing at

the familiar loopy handwriting adorning the page

and it says ‘I hope she throws her drink in his face’

when u read the paragraph for context

u realise it’s a confession scene

a few lines down the mystery person has written ‘called it.’

and u can’t help but laugh

like come on that was funny

but ur boss doesn’t agree

she just asks you to find out who’s doing it so they can be suspended from the library

or charged with vandalism

or something

she wants vengeance

u roll ur eyes and go to one of the staff computers

scrolling through the lists of borrowers for that specific book

and it’s a fuckin library that book has been borrowed a loT

2031 times ???????????????

you almost fall of your chair tbh

then someone clears their throat in front of u

and u immediately apologise as u try and get the right tab up to process the borrower’s book

but once u look at the person in front of u

you wish you hadn’t been so nice

sicheng stands in front of you

a grin on his face as he hands you another book

smug bitch is so happy he startled u

‘looking at porn on the library computer, yn?’

u laugh

‘I’m not u in 8th grade’

he glares at you as he takes his book and goes back to his desk to continue studying

u were soooo hoping he’d leave

even tho u kinda enjoyed looking at him

like dude was hot okay

what were u supposed to do????

ur actual job????

please.

so he stays

and when it’s ten minutes til closing

u go and let everyone know

and u stop at sichengs table

and he’s writing out notes or something

idk it’s not like u care anyway lol

but he’s lowkey frustrated bc he keeps messing up this one goddamn formula

so he erases it

and that’s when u catch a glimpse of his handwriting

and bruh am I high or is that the exact same handwriting as in the books

I mean he has borrowed a few of the books

and he’s into that genre

not that you've checked out his borrowed list or anything

basically ur having this whole conversation with yourself in your head

bc ur cool like that

and he’s like ????? why this bitch standing over my shoulder and watching me write out this equation

until he’s like ‘what are u doing’

and ur like !!!!! oh hi !!! sorry I was busy listening to the voices in my head lmao xD

jk jk

‘have u been writing in the books’

and suddenly he’s super shy

and he has this massive grin

and he’s like ‘no’

bitch we know it was u stfu

u roll ur eyes and ur like ‘its not funny my boss wants you to be suspended’

he squints at you

‘how do you even know it was me’

and then:

‘DO YOU HAVE E V I D E N C E’

and u cross your arms

like a badass bitch

and ur like ‘I have plenty of evidence actually’

‘for one, youve borrowed all the books that have been found with writing’

‘and your handwriting matches’

subconsciously he covers his notebook with his arm to hide his handwriting

and he's like ‘why are u telling me this’

you're taken aback by the question tbh

like ?????? to be a good person ??????

idk u fuckwit just wanted to warn you

‘thought you'd want to know’

and he just turns back to his book

and you shrug and walk away like ok get suspended then see if I care

but u do :((

but as you walk away hes like

‘wait’

‘Im gonna be suspended??’

and u nod like ye that's what I just said but ok

‘like I cant borrow or I cant come in at all?’

u don't know tbh

‘both I think?’

and suddenly there's panic in his eyes

another person walks past u and thanks u

and u mindlessly tell them to have a good night as they leave

everyone has left

except sicheng of course

that beautiful son of a-

wait why did u say beautiful

‘what can I do to nOT get suspended??’

and u shrug bc idk dude not my problem

but then u think about it

‘I mean if u get rid of the evidence theres no way u can be suspended, right?’

and he seems so happy at the thought

‘would you help me? please?’

and ur sooooooo skeptical

‘depends. what do u want to me to do?’

‘I mean I need access to the books so’

‘yeah ill let u in and out’

‘I can't exactly just erase the markings when people could be watching’

and that's exactly how you end up sitting in the library with dong sicheng at 11pm at night rifling through books to find odd pencil markings to erase

it wasnt that hard

u just got his record up

*snorts* ‘you borrowed ‘how to talk to girls’ when we were thirteen’

and he just rolled his eyes and marched to the computer like ‘you can see my record I deserve to see yours’

and ur like NOOOOOO nononononono

but later

‘you've read all the light-fighter novels??’

he looks at you from where hes searching for one of the books on the list, an eyebrow raised

‘yeah why’

‘dude,, I loved those books’

and he smiles a little

‘thats where I started marking the books tbh, every time I read it id add a little cross in the corner of the cover bc I read it so often’

part of u is a little impressed

the other is annoyed at how similar your taste in books is

but the first part keeps asking why u hate him so much

other than the staying late and the snarky comments

which you actually find kinda funny-

anyways

once you've gathered up a few of the books

like at least ten each

you sit on the floor of the childrens section

beanbags sprawled out beneath you as u read through some of the books

most of them you've read before

and every time you giggle at something hes written his smile gets a little bigger

but of course youre looking at the book so you dont notice

and he keeps his head down

‘is it bad that im hungry’

you lift your head from the book to look at sicheng

hes not even reading anymore hes just lounging back on the beanbags

and maybe he'd been watching u read

watching as the smile on your face grew wider at his commentary

‘I didnt see you leave tonight. have u eaten?’

you furrow your brows in thought, trying to recall having seen him leave

‘you been watching me, y/n?’

‘have you been eating, sicheng?’

and there's something about the way you say his name that makes his heart jump

his voice is soft as he looks at you in the dark

‘no’

you focus back on the book in front of you

‘finish whatever book youre on and we’ll call it a night’

‘what, you wanna go eat?’ 

you cant tell if hes just surprised or if hes hopeful

or something else

‘no but I do want to sleep’

you laugh and he forces a laugh too

you dont notice the difference

when you've returned all the books

he meets you at the front door as you grab the book you'd been reading that shift

hes just standing by the door on his phone

and maybe its bc ur tired or maybe its just him

but u cant help thinking

Jesus Christ this boy is attractive

and okay maybe u had a crush on him a few years ago

but hey! you were eleven what could u do

the crush still lasted like two years tho lmao

but u shoulder your bag and open the door for him

making sure to lock it carefully

and he walks with you in the direction of your apartment

and ur like oh u live this way too?

and hes like nah

but what kind of boy would he be if he didnt accompany home

like christ y/n u could be h u r t out here at this time of night

but you just smile at him bc wow thats ??? actually ??? kinda sweet

‘who are u and what have u done with dong sicheng’

and there goes his heart again

he just nudges u with his elbow 

and u laugh at him and continue on ur way

when u get to ur building he thanks u for ur help in the most polite way possible

and u can kind of see that hes actually rlly nice ??? how ???

but hes back at the library the next day

and of course he comes up to the counter as soon as he spots you

sneaking around a few desks so u dont hear him come up behind you to whisper ‘BOO!’ in your ear

you jump like three feet in the air and spin around to tell him to get out from behind the desk

‘I dont see a nametag on u that means u have to be on THAT side of the desk thank u very much’

‘didnt realise your name tag said bitch on it geeeez y/n ://’

and u just fix him with a glare once hes finally on the right side

‘are u borrowing a book or not’

‘nuP’

he leans on the desk

his eyes staring straight into yours

‘just wanted to ask if u were able to stay back tonight’

you roll ur eyes

you'd barely gotten any sleep last night

but the look of concern on his face when he realises youre hesitating makes you nod

‘of course,, wouldnt want my least favourite person to get kicked out’

‘I always knew you had a soft spot for me’

you roll ur eyes aGAiN

‘go bother someone else’

‘oh is the hot librarian in?’

you push him away from the desk

but he doesnt miss the faint smile on ur lips

‘sicheng dont make me give you $100 in overdue book fees’

he sticks his hands up at the threat, his eyes wide

‘no. please. ill do anything’

when u raise an eyebrow at him, he just grabs the book you'd been reading (and not yet borrowed) and walks away

and he winks too

u have to stop your heart from beating out of its chest

and later

its 8pm and the library is officially closing

and for the past three hours you'd been walking to sicheng’s desk and subtly been trying to steal your book back

but every single time hes seen you coming

and pulled the book under the desk or into his lap

away from your grabbing hands

every. single. time.

you tap your foot impatiently at him when its time to continue ur undercover project

and he smiles down at his notebook when he hears u huff in annoyance at him

he dramatically looks up at you

‘do you need something?!’

‘do you want to get suspended?!’

he narrows his eyes at you but stands up anyway

he carefully puts his things in his bag and takes the list of books from your hands

a few of them are already crossed out as having been checked and erased

but theres still a lot to go

it takes you almost three weeks to finally get to the last day

and it had been the same thing every time;

sicheng took forever to pack up

you'd eventually find about ten books each

sit in the children’s section

laugh and chat about your lives while you went through the books

tease each other

and when you'd finished,

he'd walk you home

every single time

without fail

it became a habit that on the Tuesdays he'd stop by on his way to his morning class to drop coffee off for you

because he'd kept you up the night before

and it became easy to lose track of time with sicheng

he was just so engaging

there was no part of you that felt bored or uncomfortable with him

yeah he was annoying and infuriating

but his good book taste made up for it

and his annotations in the margins of the books too

‘is this the last of them?’

he squints down at the page again, counting the books on the table again

its the third time hes counted

‘surely ive read more than this’

‘not from this library ://’

you blow your hair out from your face and look down at the pile

‘you know, I think my manager is starting to get really suspicious of me’

‘why’ he looks up briefly from his book to read your face

but you try and remain calm

‘well she only told me about the markings right. and now theyre disappearing’

he looks at you like ?????

‘well she knows ive been closing up late... I think she thinks I did it’

he laughs ‘you? has she met you?’

you pout and throw a pillow at him

‘HEY! what's that supposed to mean :((’

‘it means ive never met someone who's so protective over books as you’

you think about it, chewing ur bottom lip

‘lets just finish this’

‘do u want to get food after’

he surprises you with the sudden question

and the slight nervousness thats evident on his face really makes you want to say yes

but you have a class tomorrow

and you always try and finish up here earlier on a Thursday night

‘cant :((’

he nods and goes back to readng

theres silence for a while

but you find it comfortable

sicheng on the other hand, feels as though hes just been shot down

like

you just turned down his date

you've kinda noticed hes more reserved now

quiet

but rlly hes just kind of embarrassed

until u say something that gives him hope

‘I,, uh, I dont have plans tomorrow night’

and ngl boy is stunned

‘just if u wanted to go see a movie or something idk’

now its ur turn to be embarrassed

u hope ur hair is hiding ur face as u look back down at the book in ur lap bc no doubt ur blushing

but sicheng is just staring at you

and

before even saying anything

he leans over the gap between you

with all the books

and hovers in front of your face

ur so shocked and ur heart is beating way too hard and fast and ur breathing is too quick to be normal are you having an attack I dont know-

and then he leans forward a little bit more

and his lips meet yours

and suddenly its like a fireworks display went off inside you

and then its almost midnight on a Thursday night and ur sitting in the children's section of your workplace in the beanbags with sicheng cupping ur face and kissing you

he just really needed to kiss you

like more than he needed air

and when u finally pull back

he loves how breathless you are

how you have to fight to keep the smile off your face

how you stare at him with wide eyes

‘so its a date then?’

you blush even redder

and nod

‘ye its a date :))’

but for the next fifteen minutes you sit in stunned silence together

small smiles playing on your faces

until u look at your watch and ur like

‘shit sicheng I have to go’

and his eyes widen bc holy crap u were supposed to leave like half an hour ago

so u both sprint around the library trying to put all the books back

and he meets you at the door again after you've grabbed the keys and made sure everything that needed to be locked was,,, u know,, locked

and when ur walkign to the door again

hes on his phone

u cant see but hes texting his friends about what happened lmao what a softie

and when u walk out together

without thinking he grabs your hand

and u walk home

hand in hand

after midnight

he clears his throat

‘so uh,, when actually is our date’

‘my last class ends at 5-’

‘so 5 it is’

‘are u sure??’

he nods happily

and he presses a gentle kiss to ur forehead when u get to ur doorstep

‘ill see u tomorrow’

but the next day

when u come out of your last class

a little giddy

a little too excited

and see him leaning against one of the stone pillars

effortlessly handsome

you feel your heart flip

and maybe ur just tired or maybe its him

but hes really attractive

like really really attractive

its actually just that youre in love with him

he doesnt see you coming

too focused on something on his phone

but he definitely sees you when you push his hand out to the side and step onto ur toes to kiss him

and u can feel him smile a little as he kisses you back

‘ready for that date?’

‘yeah, where are we going’

‘so I was thinking we could go to the libra- HEY! dont hit me I was j o k i n g y/n jesus christ’

[uhpeach]

goddddd i fucking hate this weekend already!!!!

like my birthday is on friday (which fuck that!) but to make matters worse my friend’s boyfriend is coming into town and i honestly don’t like him that much like he’s fine but having him visit is just shitty and reminds me of how ALONE i am like woohoo all my roommates are in relationships yay :-) i’ll be 20 and no one will ever like me yay :-) so ya fuck friday. and then saturday is 4/20 and my roommate wants to have a “joint bday 4/20 party” bc her bday is next wednesday, which would be chill but our apartment isnt that big and the ratio of guys to girls is super off like we have wayyyy too many guy friends who wont be having much fun stuck with myslf and the other 3 single girls and then the dumb relationship bitches and the not-pretty friends we have (no offense to them but like seriously i want my guy friends to have fun) and i voiced this to my roommate and she was like “ya but i dont care bc it’s my party and idc how much fun they hav” like.... well i do care bc u and ur dumb loser boyfriend who is AWFUL at socializing are gonna get too high or drunk and go to bed way early and then i’ll be stuck with everyone which is NOT SOMETHING I WANT bc then the responsibility to make it fun falls to me!! and unlike her i actually care not to waste all of my good friend group’s saturday night on something that isnt fun or be the lone hostess of what is wayyyy too many dudes in a small space... but there is literally no one on the list that we can cut bc we are close to all of them at to a point so like idk what to doooooo. i WOULD invite more girls from my sorority but honestly i dont want them to see my apartment, subject them to my awful embarassing roommate and her loser bf, or have them have a generally not fun time bc of me... sooo kinda stuck hosting a party bc if my roommate who literally couldnt give less of a fuck about making it actually good which is SO weird to me bc why even bother hosting if it’ll be shit and u know it...

[namuneulbo]

week eleven

im writing this w newly painted nails so lets pray i dont get nail polish all over my keyboard. i struggle so hard w painting my nails neatly. it always gets all around my fingers.

i dont remember monday really... i didnt do anything special.

tuesday was theory, prod and band practice. during lunch break i went to the store to go pick up a package. i ordered a tee for t for their bday. idk if i talked about it in another entry but yeah i got her a ghost tee and thanks to the buy two get one free thingy i got a fall out boy tee for myself. ive been wearing it everyday since i got it TT

wednesday! school was normal but i went to culture club in the evening (culture club as in an event, not the band). it was some instrumental experimental jazz thingy. quite nice but i couldnt help but phase out sometimes. me and l (who i usually go to culture club with) sat w my old friend j. later on ls friends a and m joined as well. i wanted to order a latte but they couldnt serve lattes and i dont like the other drinks they have so i just had nothing. a later got coke and i realized i couldve just gotten that... i didnt wanna embarrass myself more in front of the hot cashier though (e, if ur reading this, i know ur like engaged and stuff but u know if u ever need like,,,, me, just hmu!!).

i had an extra band practice on thursday since were nearing the concert and also the keyboardist cant join next week. we practiced it like it was the actual concert (by that i mean we included the stuff ill say in between songs as well) once before we ended. the entire set is almost 30 mins. after practice i went by the store to get chocolate for my mom since her bdays next week.

on friday i met up w l to celebrate their 17th bday. their bday was last friday but u know, i was in stockholm.. anyways!! we met in town to go get churros. we went to my place and ate them and i showed her the albums i got in stockholm. we then went to the studio to go do some work on my prod but surprisesurprise... i did absolutely nothing. i literally cant focus wo a teacher telling me what to do next. i compressed (?) the synth. thats it. i wish i liked producing.

l got hungry and we decided to go get food. we struggled w picking a place, none of us really cared about what we got, especially after i also started getting hungry. we went home and we had planned to order in mcdonalds but it was temporarily closed :’) we then decided to go get afghan food from the cart right outside my house. it was pretty good. i had never tried it before but i think i liked it even more since i was hungry. i probably would get it again since its the only place nearby where u can get falafel as far as i know.

i dont actually remember if it was her or me who initated it but i wanted her to sleep at my place bc im scared of the dark and my mom would be at her boyfriends place this weekend so id be all alone and i get so anxious when its dark :’) sadly they didnt bring any stuff w them so she couldnt really and not from saturday to sunday either bc theyd have to leave early in the morning on sunday.

i went to sleep early to avoid any more nervousness lol thankfully i usually feel less anxious if a friends been there recently since i still somehow feel their presence????? girl idk either but its easier to stay calm.

saturday was busy in a good way. i met up w i, m and t around 1 pm and we made pancakes. we (i) made too much batter and later on i had to throw it away bc i left it out instead of the fridge. anyways it was good and we had them w vanilla ice cream, syrup, berries and bananas! later we played a cah like game on our phones. it was fun!!

i had to almost rush them out of my place since i was supposed to hang out w e, l, m and t (again) at 6. it was a bit confusing since t had to go home before going to ms place so they had to leave and then go to ms place right after lol

anyways we ended up being like,, 20 mins late but its fine haha it was our (me, l and ts) second time meeting w them (e and m). it was our first time at ms place too (or well, first time at her parents place. we were at their own place the first time).

we had really fun. they had chips, chocolate and pepsi all served out and her mom even made nachos for us. it was nice.

we left around 11:30 pm. i went to sleep right after.

today ive only spent time getting ready. for what? absolutely nothing lol i just like looking pretty. i think my nails are dry now so im gonna go clean up the stuff that ended up around my nails. bye!!

sotw: fall out boy - tiffany blews

[15001700tt]

Reflections of the Deep Sense of Self

well, i dont really have an audience except for a handful of mutuals and the many porn bots that i cant seem to get rid of no matter how hard i try but i am still gonna use this platform to voice out my thoughts since i have too many of them and i feel like i might drown if i don't talk about them.

i dont necessarily think that i am a person that is easily swayed by men, i was able to emotionally control myself quite effectively in my youth.

my first crush was simply a pick from the crowd to stop my friends nagging about who it was. i just observed the crowd and picked the most likely to not interact with my sort and said "him, he is so cute!" hoping that my friends wouldn't see through my facade. i didn't want to like anyone just because of their looks but I had quite literally not spoken to the male sort in my entire life (not including men I am related to, I was in all girl private school before I moved to America's public system) to develop an interest in them in a romantic or infatuated way even.

now this is just my introduction to my philosophical essay about whether hurt/ mentally ill people are inherently evil but I must admit that this was started because of other reasons. we might not even get to touch on that either, i tend to ramble and not get to the point effectively.

if you followed me long enough you would know that I was talking to a man I might've called Viking. but we do not talk anymore after I made my feelings clear to him.

i feel many things, most of the time, its anger, the other times, confusion, hurt, rejection..etc. but I do not blame him. mostly because, i am quite annoying as a human being.

one of the things i took to as a way to distract me from the pain, was reading. i read so much that it was impossible to feel anything except the emotions that I was told to through a page. but in between books I would have nights where i wouldnt be able to focus on the words, and I would ponder what was it i did wrong, what was it that made him deem me worthless, not worth responding to. and I would come up blank because my self-preservation wont allow me believe that because I made my intentions clear that I was in the wrong to do so when I feIt that our relationship was taking the wrong turn. if I am allowed to call it a relationship, because quite frankly it was a level below a situationship and a level above a friendship. that I was quite sure of.

as I sit here and write after almost two months of silence from his end and mine, because I refuse to be the one to break it. call it pride, call it stubbornness, I was not the one to ghost the other. i refuse to chase after someone who clearly does not want me. but still can't deny that I lay in bed every night at some godforsaken hours of the night wishing, and hoping that he would just take a step towards me. as I had done to him that one Wednesday afternoon in April.

my point is that my interest in men started out of necessity but it has evolved into a yearning of something that seems quite unattainable. i am not attractive by any means, but I am not of the ugliest sort. i have seen people with more weight with worse features than I with partners who could care less about appearances. which to say that my looks shouldn't be any good reason to ghost me. and while I don't necessarily think that my appearance was the reason for the silence I do struggle with the way l look so my insecurities have found a very good home in the found silence from him. i am working on losing weight out of a bet with friends but also out of bitterness but nevertheless, he is a man and if he wont block me than he must see what he is missing out on.

but again, I used to think I would never be that girl. the one who wanted something but she cant have it. which is quite the diabolical because the entirety of the 11 months we talked I had many panic/ anxiety attacks over how our appearances didn't match, our aesthetics weren't compatible, about how I was too ugly for him or too fat for him. but he seemed the sort that was straightforward and didnt waste other peoples times. i guess i was wrong in the sense that he kept me around because he was bored and disposed of me when it got too serious for his liking. i thought i always had the upperhand, that if things ended i wouldnt be too hurt about it and do what i do best, find the next boy to obsess over.

funny enough, he seemed interested. but i cant know for sure. i mightve made it up in my head.

i have a fear, which shouldnt be a fear but it is. remember how i said that my first crush was out of necessity? well that seems to be the case with me from 7th grade to the end of highschool. which is crazy because you would think with all the men i obsess over that i would find men attractive. i think there is a clear line between celebrities and fiction characters from a real person with undeliberate faults and thing you cant control.

i never thought any of my crushes were ugly, they were good looking but they didnt make me feel attracted to them. it didnt help that i was also the type to watch from a far and not the get close and comfortable.

considering this my first person that i liked and held an 11 months conversation/-ship with i think i did very good but that doesnt change that i read too many romantic book and i had a silver of hope.

a silver of hope that maybe i wasnt weird or shitty for not feeling attracted to anyone in my life. that i finally found someone who literally embodied my dream guy and couldnt have been more perfect. if only he was better at communicating.

he says that he is traumatized from long distance relationships, i now understand that it mightve been his fault. he doesnt communicate. in the 11 months we have known each other i know about a handful of things about him while he had me all figured out. except for one thing. he never got my fear of relationships. since i suspect he ghosted me because he thought i would want one. i guess ghosting me seemed like his best option.

i might not be undesireable but i am not anyone's first choice either. usingmedia to distract me from my emotions literally has become my life. i read about 15 hockey romances the weeks after the ghosting. i was already reading regency era adult romances but i couldnt bring myself to finish them because i had spoken to him about them. this decision i will regret because i talked about everything with him. i mentioned this before. quite literally everything reminds me of him. and its quite sad because i cant evn ssay what we had was special. i decided yesterday that he wasnt worth all of this, and i know he isnt. but i am tired. i just want to be dessired and wanted.

i literally stopped reading a book because the male interest did the same thing that he did to me, essentially to the female protag. i cant even pick up the raunchy adult romance.

i didnt let my self feel the extent of my emotions, only in small slivers of despair, or when i am too tired to pretend that his actions didnt affect me.

he was perfect in all ways but one and i was all faults except for one; my immenient need to communicate.

and no one knows, a friend of mine knows, but they dont know everything, i dont want her to get annoyed with me. i was in her place too many times and i refuse to put her through that. and our mutual friends?

hahahahaha the other night i was speaking with S, and he said that the last time he spoke to him, he mentioned me and Viking said 'oh i havent spoken to her in a while' thats it. no explaination no excuse. i dont even know why that infuriated me. i wasnt even worth an explaination in his eyes. S barely found out via vague summary from me. because even though i was/am hurt. i refuse to tarnish his reputation. 'in a while' ????? you mean two months? but then again S couldnt remember the last time he talked to him. but like still?

forget that we were flirting constantly i thought i was friend at least. i deserve more than this. i think. maybe not then.

i want to scream and shout and hit him and cry about why he didnt want me. but i realize thats self depricating. i should never seek validation from a man, i know but it wouldnt fucking hurt fam.

i have so much to say and yet i feel like its already too much. i should keep quiet. thats what people want from me. for someone who is 'boy crazy' i have not stomached going on a dating app, or boy watching in public because it physically hurts. for gods sake i cant even read fanfiction or just READ because of it. any sight of anything merely romantic makes me want to yell. i am tired and i want to turn everything off. including my stupid rat brain that only seems to be attracted to assholes.

but the same fucking stupid brain cant help but hope that is our enemies to lovers story. one day... god i hope one day...

[bestillmybeefyheart]

Good morning friends across the globe, good afternoon evening and night to those who it applies.

It’s Wednesday. Hump day as some call it, I call it another day on the sofa for whatever is wrong w me that month day. I know its a longer name and finding a card for it is impossible but so is National I May Have Eaten Your socks and I’m sorry day but that doesnt stop me.

So... just a follow up on my world or summary since, you know, I have nothing else to say due to it being so early and my brain is not working.

Leg... doing well. I did 3x10 of my basic foot movement PT work yesterday (dorsal and planar movement, circles, writing letters and numbers). It wasn’t easy, I had to do it slow and not push, but I did it. And since I’m only down a week w my foot in the wraps after surgery not 2 months, it went well. Let’s only in minor discomfort today. I’ve also been putting more weight on it as it comes back to life so to speak. I’m excited, proud and anxious. If I’m going to do this I’m doing it right. Dr also said I dont need PT if I dont want it and that we could review in a month in case I hit snags. I think I can do all my home PT and be fine and once I can ride my bike I’ll be peachy. So good there.

My insomnia is there as always, but since I have the leg pain and some pain pills, Ive been timing my pills halved with my getting near bed time esp if I had a long time. Walking on crutches is literally more work then you’d imagine and by the end of the day I’m super sore as is my foot. So I sleep or med sleep for a few hours instead of being up all night a zombie. FWIW I am not dependent on the meds, I take them purely to stay ahead of pain esp as I push myself and my foot. Always halves and only as really needed. Been down the opiate addiction road before so I’m careful. Despite having zonked out just past 10 last night and waking at 645, I’m still a zomb today like I am every morning. I am not a morning person.

Folks are going out of town for a week starting today so I am dependent on my brother and Uber and what food is in my house. And what I can have delivered. As long as they dont shut off my internet before the date agreed (another story will share next) I’m good. I hope. I’ll be busy working my foot. I have a month of this before next appt. Its frustrating for sure, I feel ok, I want to get out, but I’m supposed to be letting my leg heal. Last time it was pain pain pain and the sofa was great. This time, I want off this crazy ride. At least I can get stuff and Uber. So thats good. And most of you would say “being home a month Dr orders and getting paid is a dream”. It was a year and a half ago. Now it’s just, I need out and a life, lets say that.

Internet... SOOOO, being home all the time, I hit my cap a lot, and before a few months back they didnt enforce it. Bring on the 4k, data flies out left and right, I hit my cap in 4 days of 4k binging, learning that 4K eats your bandwidth alive, esp in the older format. Note, YouTube runs 30-55MBps when playing 4K. Which is why theirs looks amazing. Sorry Apple TV 4K users, they dont support 4K in their YouTube app. (Or any app, their 4K is horrid, dont waste your money on the new Apple TV and if you doubt me, I have hard proof and 4 other peers who agree who are industry). So I call internet provider to see if I can get some help, a break, a discount, some small refund for overages. 7 year customer, they told me more or less screw you. So I told them to cancel my tv and internet and eat my butt. So I have till the end of the month to find a new plan. Or call back until I find a good employee who understands. They didnt even try, just told me tough. Id name the provider but lets face it, any provider name would fit in there. What sucks worst is, I am grandfathered into the most perfect tv package for $30 a month with ALL my channels minus BBCA and Freeform. And I can get my 2 FF shows off Hulu. And Doctor Who off iTunes. The same plan now to everyone else is $80, so Id lose that huge discount. And be stuck with OTA.

Tivo, collection and ocd. I have ocd, I have a desperate need to tivo and download everything I record, collecting shows and keeping track of episodes I’m missing. I will not be able to do that with anything but locals once this change happens. And none of the online streaming tv services let me save the files and convert for Apple TV use. Sad about losing that, it’s giving me bad anxiety. I’m still upset the provider couldnt be bothered to even begin to give a crap. Angry about it too. But I will make sure the new provider knows. I’ve already got one who has offered me a switching bundle that is half the cost of my internet now and free tv for 6 months. Of course they only offer 50/1 and I have 150/10 and use 6-8 of that 10 out every night. My security system can’t even run 1 camera off 1 out, and I have 5 running at night, 3 day, doorbell cam and 3 more in boxes to be mounted. So that is a problem. This whole thing is eating me inside. Which is why I want to get on my feet and biking, an hour or two on the bike is not only good for me physically but also emotionally and mentally. And its 1-2 hours Imnot using internet or watching tv.

Let’s see... I finished my chili sadly. 6 meals out of 1/2lb of meat, 1 can beans, 2 cans tomatoes and some Williams seasoning plus water. FTW. I just wish I had more I love me some chili. I could have made that last bowl be 2, ate more crackers but I had the last crackers so I ate all the chili. It was damn good. So worth it.

Lists... I missed this as I was not really “here” but I have to say this and its all I will say, making lists is bad, burn books, etc, any list that excludes no matter how well intended, is a recipe for disaster. Names that shouldn’t be there get put there, people are ruined, others worry they are on it even though they are good people, it ruins friendships and more. Hitler had lists. McCarthy had lists. Say no to bad people lists. Love you fellow man and woman and whatever you identify as, hug and talk and show them you are good and care, that is all that matters.

Stretch yawns - you know how great a stretch yawn feels? It doesnt feel so good when it makes your injured leg move in ways its not ready to move, tightens muscles that aren’t ready to tighten. And yet,I just did it and it felt good overall minus the foot pain. A good stretch yawn can solve world problems. its like a yoga move that your body just knows. :D

What else... Its 50f here. Sun is up and bright, so bright that the light coming through the door is so intense I thought the kitchen light was on and barked out an order to Alexa to turn it off. It didnt, I asked again, then realized DOH it’s sunlight. Silly windows. Lol. I’m old and slow so excuse me if I take a minute to catch up. I’m like watching a movie on a dialup modem, I take a long time, you have to watch me buffer a lot, but in the end I’m worth it. :D Ha, sorry couldnt resist.

Speaking of modems. I found out that AT&T throttles you when you’ve hit 10GB of internet usage via personal hotspots. (Was looking at it as a stop gap for home but I’d hit 10GB in a day.). They throttle you down to 2x 56k modem speed. Seriously. WTH? Its 2017, most major countries have crazy cheap and fast internet and no one is throttled. Here in the US, the providers run wild and unchecked and do whatever they want because they know you are screwed and cant do a thing about it. Sounds like our countries leader right? Except I cant call and cancel him. I wish.

Since its Wednesday, I was going to do a hump day picture, but my camel is in the shop. So here’s a gif of a goat instead.

Love, b

PS, get this, a search for “goat” in the GIF section here came up with NO GOATS. Its a goatsperacy!!!

Still love, b

[resistancepilots]

another Update:

1. I went kayaking!! which was lit the absolute best thing ever omg. I used to ALWAYS pass when friends would go in undergrad, and idek why, I just. didn’t care?? or want to?? It’s not even like I can’t swim!! idk what I was worried about!! I NEVER KNOW WHAT PAST ME WAS THINKING, HONESTLY. 

but I ended up going last week and LOVED it so so much omg. and then I went again this week despite Mild Illness bc I could, but now they’re closing it up for the season and i am HEARTBROKEN. but i loved it enough to know that I wanna get a pass or smth when they open again in May, if I’m here for the whole summer. 

 ​2. someone told me i have nice calf muscles lmao and i was like ‘THANKS it's from all the kickboxing, the punching is hard but kicking is Great!!’ idt they believed me tho andncjsndn. there is nothing more to this story, it just made me smile haha

3. remember the Terrible Incline and Stairs from Hell incident? from the last update? where I almost DIED? well I went up those stairs AGAIN, this time willingly, because apparently there is a fucking. gym. up 2403982039 stairs and a road with a ninety degree incline. honestly, who plans this nonsense. I have some Words for them

4. I ONLY REALIZED LATE THIS WEEK THAT THIS UNI DOESN'T DO THE SIX WEEK WINTER TERM THING????? IM GETTING LIKE. TWO WEEKS. WHAT THE FCUK. i have never not have a six week winter break in uni, and this is Hurting Me Deeply and Personally on the most personal level. even if I go home immed after finals, I’d have less than two weeks?? which sucks, because cousin is coming down from ny to stay with us, and I think family from switzerland might be coming too? and i’m gonna have to LEAVE D:

5. oh speaking of, some horrible terrible human whose name I am too horrified and terrified to be able to say (HINT: it starts w ‘sh’ and rhymes w EELA) reacted Horribly to me Reminiscing About Our Friendship Over The Years, and literally cursed me to have the Worst second half of the week ever. i think I already complained about this but look, this unmentionable monster is responsible for The Following:

MY FAVORITE FLIP FLOPS THAT IVE HAD FOR THREE YEARS AND ARE BETTER THAN ANY FLIP FLOPS IN THE WORLD DIED, MY SHOWER WAS COLD FOR THE ENTIRE TIME FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER AND I SPENT THE ENTIRE TEN HRS AFTER GETTING OUT SHIVERING, MY THROAT IS FUCKED AGAIN, AND MY LEGS WERE CRAMPING SO BAD I COULDNT SLEEP YEST, AMONG 2746643 OTHER BAD THINGS. SHE DEFINITELY CURSED ME.

6. this week i became aware of the fact that as a grad student, if you, around 2 pm, pull out a bottle of wine at your Study Group’s table in the middle of the Main Floor of the public health building, right before class on a wednesday that already started with a Difficult morning lecture, no one will have a problem with it. 

which...listen,, this is Too Much Power for me. there is some Very Strong Precedent here, and some of my Worst Decisions start off this way. but uh, whatever, life is gr8.

7. there is Too Much Social sometimes?? i get kinda...tetchy? when Interactions With Friends Acquaintances Etc start being too much Not On My Terms, if that. makes sense,, it probably does not help that i am trying my hand at this Official Student Rep thing for the biostat chapter here ajxhcjdb I KNOW, I BROUGHT THIS UPON MYSELF, but. i get in a Very Specific kind of mood sometimes and am not v articulate about it. 

but it's fun usually!! but also how do people do this every week and not want to live under a rock on a different planet for ten years after,, anyways dnd (along with airplane mode, Frequently This Week, oops) is my Best Friend

really tho omg, I’ve ended up going to sO many things that started off as someone wanting to go bc “there’s free food!! we can just eat and leave!!” except then you caNT JUST LEAVE. usually these things end up being nice or at least Bearable!! but also WHY DOES EVERYONE FALL FOR THE FREE FOOD THING. THEY ARE BAITING YOU LIKE AN ACADEMIC HONEYPOT MISSION, DO YOU NOT REALIZE. 

8. i love that when I wore my math scarf this week, 90% of people in the dept who noticed it were like EYY I LOVE IT, ARE THERE DISTRIBUTIONS ON IT!! and 90% of old friends i sent it to who replied or reacted to it were like EW TIKA U ALREADY DO IT, HOW CAN U WEAR IT TOO. 

it's getting Colder now and I am trying my Best to hold off on wearing a sweater or pants, especially at the same time. this often results in Lots of shivering, but that is what the scarves are for!! but then this weekend when I went out I had to wear leggings and a PULLOVER and BOOTS, and my hopes are dying more and more by the day.

9. got my first test back this week! did not fail, and in fact did the opposite of fail, which was very nice. 

10. diwali is in OCTOBER this year, and not to complain about this lit every two minutes, but i hate when Diwali is in Oct. It’s fallen on my birthday in November a couple times, which is FAVE, but mostly I just need it to not be in October!! it feels so wrong!! October is lit my least favorite month!! and November is my fave!! @ moon U WERE SO CLOSE, YOU COULD HAVE TAKEN YOUR TIME, MY DUDE. 

BUT!! I bought fairy lights and stuff this weekend! I’ll prob not put anything up until week after next, because THIS EARLY IN OCTOBER just feels Wrong, but ahhh !! am v v excited!! i got this cute lil fairy light-esque clothesline thing w clips to put up on my wall, and I think I’m gonna print out a bunch of pictures for it next week :’)

11. otherwise I have been having a v mellow time this past week or so, I think? ooh, I went to kickboxing again!! it was a trial session, but I’m considering signing up, because despite the feelings of Death during push-ups, it felt really really really nice to punch (and kick!! aka fave) again hehe. 

cinn apple bread was Very Much a success, and also I’ve realized that biscotti is my bff, and also that i love maple/pecan things. and like. if i’m going to constantly have smth sweet in my pantry, flavored biscotti w minimal levels of sugar is prob the Best Option?? maple things and almond things always make the apt smell so nice, too 

OH AND: I went to the conservatory again!! sat in the grassy room w notebook and studied there for a while :’) it was super super calming and smelled SO good and I was productive, which is always a Bonus. But now I have 34902 midterms coming up and didn’t feel up to more study group sessions for a while, and am subsequently Stuck Alone in apartment (with a Monster Headache. again.) for the rest of the weekend and am Clearly procrastinating by writing this dakjs

12. speaking of smelling good!! so the most I’ve ordered before from lush is like. their charity lotion thing?? which I usually give to someone else adsjk. and I’ve only ever ordered online, so this was the first time I actually went into a physical lush store and !! SO MANY GOOD!! a little sad bc the mango bath oil thingy and the avobath thing both smelled PERFECT and were fave, but I cannot stand taking baths, so they were Useless and there wasn’t anything else that smelled v similar to them D: 

BUT !!!! i have 33092834 of those bars now, including one that is GLITTERY, and the glitter stayed on me even 24 hours + a Very long shower later, which was DELIGHTFUL. although I wore the same top, so maybe some of it might have been that lol. BUT ANYWAYS the bars all smell WONDERFUL and i got the mint choc lip scrub bc i love love love sugar scrubs and !!!!! it’s so!! i keep eating my entire mouth but GOSH. i also keep wanting to eat the ocean scrub adsjkf;dsh but I am. Refraining from doing so,,

AND!! ALSO!! I signed up for my first teaching workshop this week!! it’s specifically for grad students, and rn these workshops fit into my schedule better than actual classes, plus I get a certificate after a certain number of them, so it’s smth nice to have on paper, esp considering Future Aspirations and whatnot. it was p chill but still, it felt exciting to be doing smth to Work Towards Teaching Goals :’)

lately, i have:

Keep reading

[myhalloweendreams]

I guess is time to a heart to heart with the void... I need to spill it before I end up suffocatting

Well, I really like my job. I love to work with the decoration of cakes.

But the problem is that I’m so stressed rn. I feel that I’ll have an ulcer problem any moment. There’s plenty of reasons to stress me out I guess, what just burst the bubble and made as miserable as I’m rn was trying to talk with my boss this week, he basically not visualized any of my texts about payment(I sent a few other texts that he did visualized... until I talked about money) - I’m still trying to receive for last week, as in the one that ended with the month of November but I have been ignored and made a fool of. 

Let’s start from the beggining...My boss sucks at math, so hard. 

Bc of that he ended up paying me less that he should several weeks in a row, I was too shy and embarassed so it took me some time to muster the courage to tell him this. I showed him my math and he told me he would pay it, but it had to be little by little under the radar of his husband bc he would be super mad if knew about it - his husband is a super correct man, they also fight often for anything that my boss do wrong (even if is a small and silly thing) - and my boss wanted to avoid any fights, I was ok with it, I didn’t want to cause any problems to my boss or their relationship

His husband owns part of the business and by now helps him with the finances (he didnt before, but as I said my boss is really bad at math, he’s also very into spending uncontrollably), so it went like... when my boss received in money he gave me part of it to pay for what he own me. We not often receive anything in money, but I don’t really care about taking time to receive it (not a problem with that), there’s a few months by now and I still have to receive part of it.

Another problem my boss have is paying us in time, sometimes we go two weeks without receiving before we see any payment (we receive every week for the week before, in theory). He always ended up doing a full circus when he dont pay us, he says he already made the deposity several times, “it must have bounced back”, “Oh I was going to do, but I got distracted with *insert smt here* or wtv, there is always smt. He end up paying, but the stress of uncertainty and with the excuses being repeated over and over until it happens is super tiring, I wish he would just be direct and tells as it is. Tell me that you’re waiting receiving for something or that you’re busy and had no time (and do it in front of me instead of pretending u’re doing it but closing it before really doing it) or that you do have the money but you’ll need it to pay for the things we’ll need that week to do the cakes so you’ll have to delay the paying a little. It’s okay. I would understand any of it, but the full circus round around and game he makes is so stress indulcing, and we feel so bad for asking again... we keep bouncing to one another who will ask next about it. It must be stressing to him too.

okay, so I have been there done that a bunch of times, but he literally didnt open a single message I sent about it this week and he gave me the entire off, but he couldn’t tell me it directly, no,that would have been too easy I guess.

He told me I would only have to go from Thursday to saturday so he would tell his husband I worked and write off part of the debt - okay not a problem. 

Then Wednesday he told me that I should go from Friday and he would write off more of the debt - okaaaay I guess. I wish he had told me before so I wouldnt have stayed in home to avoid be too tired the next day at work (I work standing all day and I’m extra fat rn so I didn’t want to play with my luck) 

Friday I wake up extra early, I didn’t want to get there late. I did all I had to do to go to work, waited to be half hour before my time to be there and sent a text asking if I had to get there the same time as always or if he had changed the time (he do it often) he calls me (still not visualizing any of my messages bc it would mean he had seen the ones about the payment) “Gabi you dont have to come. You’re not working this week.”, “You wont come until I have paid all my debt to you”. - Are you fucking kidding me?! Like he could have told me it from the begging. Like duuuuude, I did nothing all week because I didn’t want to have a strain or sore muscle and I said no to go to see my friend because I would have to sleep there and I couldn’t bc I had to work in the morning. I could have resolved so many things that I didn’t because I was so scared to be too sore to work. I have to paint a few rooms in my house. I have to buy some heavy stuff that my mom could have paid and later I would pay her, but I would to have to get them to the house by foot and go all the stair flights with it bc there’s no elevator in my building... well I had to solve a bunch of things. And here he is playing around with me. He not only not visualized my texts, but he ignored my calls (I only spoke with him this week when he called me), and rn I have no money, I couldnt pay a bus fare if I needed one. I tried to talk with him, but he ignored me, I even went to his house and he didn’t answered the door... I’m not sure if he was there tho... but my coworker says that is obvious he was bc of all the windows open when we’re having rain almost every day at some point (we work at his house, I didnt just randomly went to his house liker that).

The thing is the week was super stressing, his atittude was super not okay and I’m so exhausted. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I dont have structure to deal with that dude. Man up and own your bullshit please. I’m too tired for this. I’m too depressed for this. And I’m definetly not that hard to talk with, just talk with me straight instead and let’s be cool about it. Don’t give me twenty different answers and watch me squirm like this. 

Boy I so dont have structure to adulting. 

I’m not prepared to the world.

I can’t deal with it... and by it I mean anything.

I’m just one drop away from get suicidal ... over work lol.

I’m completely drained.

I feel like garbage.

And I can’t even muster enough energy to eat or drink water like a normal person.

Seriously, does living really worth having to deal with things? all of them? 

[theliterateape]

Almost Had to Say Goodbye

By J. L. Thurston

December 21st, OSF St. Joseph

Talking to Mom through a visage of IV tubes as I sit next to her bed. I’m still getting used to seeing her without her teeth. She’s tired. A week in the hospital will do that to a person. A week without the comforts of home, the freedoms, the cats. She’s been nearly bed ridden, which is good for the diabetic issues of her feet. This time last week she was preparing to get her teeth pulled for dentures. Then she couldn’t stop bleeding.

Monday morning my dad called me. Five in the morning, but I was awake. Yoga before the kiddos get out of bed.

“Jen,” he said, trying to sound normal but I can hear the strain. “Can you come over for your mom?”

I was there in twenty minutes. Mom sat in the recliner, talking like normal, but she was only in a robe, blood splattered on the floor from her gums. She complained about the blood in her hair until the chest pains began.

We couldn’t get her out of the chair, she was so weak. I called 911. The ambulance took her to the tiny ER ten minutes away. It was then discovered that she had lost half the blood in her body. Once she was shipped to St. Joe’s, it was discovered that the stress on her body had caused her to suffer two heart attacks.

It’s Friday, and she’s in surgery. Open heart, quadruple bypass. Dad and I are sitting in the surgical waiting room. It’s nice here, wide open but still cozy. There’s coffee and tea. Dad keeps embibing caffeine, and his legs haven’t stopped bouncing. He’s paced between our seats and the update screen close to thirty times. I can hardly write because we can’t stop chattering. Time is moving far too slowly.

I’m tired from the week of seeing mom in the hospital. But Dad is so far beyond tired he’s somewhere on the other side. He’s been scared shitless since Monday. Doing nothing but working and driving to and from the hospital. I think he’s had a collective five hours of sleep this week. His eyes are round, nervous, picturing life without Mom.

I can’t lie, I’ve been doing the same. We were told on Wednesday that she’d need a quadruple bypass. I work in a hospital, and very little ruffles me. But when it’s your mom stuck in that bed, connected to four IVs, monitored every hour, preparing for open heart surgery, I gotta say. I’m ruffled.

I remember the people I know who have lost someone around the Holidays. It makes things much worse, for some reason. I think about how I would handle opening presents from her if she was gone. The gifts I got her, where would they go? Are funeral homes open on Christmas? How would I explain to my three year old that her Grams is never coming home from the hospital?

I’m being quite melodramatic, I know. Many people go through quadruple bypass and are all the better for it. But they aren’t my Mom. She has weird reactions to medications, she has a complicated medical history, she’s not as strong as she used to be.

And she’s my mom.

She’s more than that, too. She’s my truest friend. Through it all, from day one, she’s supported me. She’s there for me when I don’t want to be alone, she stays away when I need her to. Her door is always open to everyone in need, even if they don’t know it. She feeds all mouths who are hungry, even if it means she has to go without. I’ve never seen her turn away a single problem, and helping down-and-outs gives her unending joy.

I simply cannot picture a world where my mom doesn’t exist. Will I enter 2019 without her?

I had been writing a piece for Literate Ape about how New Years resolutions are complete bullshit and my utter disdain for making promises to oneself that one will just forget in a month or so. But I tossed it. In the light of recent events, the piece is tacky and negative. I don’t care about much right now except my mom making it through surgery and my dad keeping it together.

Worrying does nothing. Instead of wringing my hands while I sit here with Dad, I put my computer in my lap and started typing. Dad is playing on his iPad, laughing at 9Gag, shrugging his shoulders at all the well-wishers blowing up our phones.

We have no news yet. This is what Limbo feels like.

 December 26th, my writing room

Home already!

I can’t believe all that has transpired since last weekend. Watching my mother brush shoulders with Death and then turn around and be discharged home three days after open heart surgery. I’m exhausted and exhilarated.

I haven’t seen her since Sunday night. It was the first night she could actually carry a conversation with me. I washed her hair, braided it, and helped her feel less rough around the edges.

We were prepared to spend Christmas in the ICU, to bring in gifts, make the best of it. But she wasn’t having it. “It just won’t feel like Christmas,” she said.

Besides extra scars on her thighs where the doctor borrowed some veins, and a new scar down her sternum, she’s as good as new. Probably even better. It’s not the Christmas wish I thought I’d ask for, but I’m eternally grateful I got it.

I almost spent this Christmas without my mother. I almost had to explain a terrible loss to my child. I don’t know what I’d do without Mom, and I’m thanking God and all my lucky stars I don’t have to find out yet.

[kirstysthoughts]

10/02 -

I haven’t had time to write here unfortunately but I think we’ll talk about Ben and a girl he’s gotten close to.

He has been giving her a lift to and from work everyday for money, he’s not making a profit from it, it’s just to cover the petrol costs, it’s being done on a ‘tab’ so the money piles up until she can pay the money back on payday - although the first payday has already gone and she’s given loads of excuses why she can’t pay (worrying) but he wouldn’t give in until she does because he’s also been paying for her food/drinks etc. when they’ve been out places.

Sooo, the first day they saw eachother outside of work (Monday 30/01) was when they went out to a chinese restaurant for a meal, he told me that they went to hers so she could get changed and then went to his so he could get changed and then they went - he said it was really nice and he made her laugh by being bad with the chopsticks and he was force fed lots of different food.

The next day they saw eachother straight after work and they played pool. He said that she was less relaxed since it was as if there was something wrong - he thought it might have been because she was still in her work uniform.

On Wednesday I was talking to Ben having a general chat and then:

I asked: What have you been up to so far this week?

Him: Work, seen Shannon a bit and slept ;P and tv..

Me: You saw Shannon? :o what’d you dooo?

Him: Had dinner Monday and played pool yesterday.

My response was that I wanted to know why they saw eachother, like if it was as friends or dates, so:

I asked: Oohhh like a date?

Me: Call meee?

*I called him*

Him: Nooooo as mates

Him: Can’t talk

Me: Whyy?

Him: Sorryyy

Him: At hospital as shes had a throat thing and couldnt get up

Me: What? (I was confused)

Me: Explain?

Him: Got an issue with her throat but her parents have had drinks so she couldn’t get up to hospital

I’ll be honest, I was nervous, worried, confused - it was like ‘oh yeah I’ve spent a little time with her - y’know 2 days in a row and I’m with her right not because I’m driving her around everywhere’

So I was annoyed and worried so showed him, which I didn’t like, because I wanna be supportive. It was just all confusing.

He called me while he drove home, it was hard because the sound was a difficulty so he called me back when he got home.

On the phone he gave me the details of their not dates dates. He also told me that she’d suggested for her birthday that she wanted to go out with people from work and then suggested that he could go out for drinks with her and her parents and stay afterwards - she also said something I found weird, she suggested he could ‘bunk with her’ considering that they’d known eachother just over a week I found this strange, it continued to bother me for the rest of the week - I did rant at him a little about it when I called on Saturday.

So Ben told me more about there time and stuff on Sunday when we saw eachother.  After wednesday she was off work Thursday and Friday but they saw eachother the whole day saturday (the 4/02) - he went in the morning and then picked her brother up form his carehome took them all to the farm that her dad works at (including her mum), played pool with her, her mum and brother, then played football with her brother (Trafford) and then went rollerskating, he told me that at the place he got jealous of a guy because he had his arms around Shannon and stuff for a litle while so he spoke about that and how Trafford noticed and kept asking if he was okay. Ben isn’t very good at skating - it’s really quite funny but obviously frustrating for him because he wanted to do well to impress her and stuff. 

I said more was to come but I forgot to write more about the matter. 

So 03/03 -

We saw eachother the day after this and we spoke about her four just over an hour. 

Since then they spent more time together, on the Monday they went to his house and watched tv, I think they watched Gotham, he told me they cuddled (and then later that week said it felt kinda forced but was still nice). On the Wednesday or Thursday they went out for drinks with two other people called Jodie and (can’t remember). After drinks Shannon said she couldn’t go home because she was ‘drunk’ and said how she’d get kicked out if she went home like that, so I found out that because she didn’t wanna sleep at Ben’s he drove around with her and the two others trying to find a hotel to stay at for the night, they couldn’t find any because they were all booked up, so they ended up in Sheffield. Of course him and Shannon shared a room and a bed. 

Then on Friday he went out for drinks with her and her parents, he didn’t have alcohol (as I imagine he didn’t the night/couple of nights before) she kept storming off and acting weirdly to her parents and to Ben. It really did sound bad and wasn’t nice for him, especially since she kept treating him badly throughout the whole week. He told me that she’d offer other people lifts, with his car and would expect him to take her anywhere she wanted to go. 

The day after (Saturday the 11/02) he called me in the morning to explain about the night before and then later that day he text me, saying that him and Shannon had an argument because she was saying that she didn’t owe her that much and because he said wouldn’t give her a lift that day. What happened was she wanted to go back rollerskating to see her friends and a friend of hers was paying for her to go, she needed a lift there so wanted him to go with her but he didn’t want to go because he doesn’t enjoy rollerskating (as I said) and also didn’t want to take his whole afternoon/evening there, or on his own in the city wasting time while she was there. She couldn’t understand the fact that he wasn’t just going to do anything she asked for him so got mad. In the end he gave in and said he would take her if she payed him petrol money on hand, so he came over to my house for an hour/hour and a half to waste time because I’m the closest person he knows to the city. He gave her more time than he said he would, but when he got there she was outside smoking and asked if she could have another 5 minutes, he said yeah unwillingly but he wanted to be home for 10 because of a snow warning out for that night. He waited inside, so after 15 or so minutes (when it was 10) he tried to shout her name for them to leave but she blanked him, he said that he shouted to try and get her attention. She continued to blank him and at one point she took off her skates so he thought they were leaving but she went to the toilet (with the guy Ben got jealous of the previous week) and then came back and put her skates back on. This was after about half an hour. Ben went to wait inside his car because he was fed up and then after a while she went outside smoking with some friends. Ben said that he decided that was it, so he pulled up beside her so she got in. She didn’t talk to him in the car and then started talking to someone on the phone, after the phone call she asked Ben if he would take her and her brother somewhere (maybe rollerskating) the next weekend, he said no because he was pissed off and was busy so she asked why and he explained. When he arrived at her house he told her he wouldn’t give a lift to her to work on monday and drove off. The next day she text him saying that if she couldn’t get to work monday she would tell work it was his fault. 

That week they didn’t talk at all and he told me that people at work had taken his side regardless of the bullshit she was saying about him. People at work had previously already voiced their concern that she was using him. 

On Sunday morning (the 19/02) she text him apologising, she said she would pay for food for him and also wanted him to meet her careworkers who she wanted to visit to collect money. He spoke to me as all the messages came through and we decided it was either go to hopefully get the money he was owed back or not go because of the morals since she wasn’t nice to him and used him. He decided to go, she said she would give him half of whatever she got that day. Later that night I messaged him asking how it went, expecting him to be home (not with her). It turns out they were still together, like 5-6 hours after. He said he’d kinda forgiven her and didn’t think she was using him. That evening she explained everything, they cleared the air and everything and then on the way home they were talking - he told me that she said she did have feelings for him and thought that they could work in a relationship but she’d want to be a in ‘fwb stage’ beforehand. She then said how she hadn’t had sex in over a year (idk how they started talking about that :/) and he joked saying they could go to his and he could help her. He told me he was literally taking her home, in the right lane to take her and she moved the steering wheel to put him in the lane to go to his house. While they were at his they didn’t have sex, he fingered her and they had ‘dry sex’. He told me that she was willing for them to have sex, even though they were downstairs on the sofa, with the curtains open and his brother upstairs. He didn’t want to because he had worries about it with everything and due to the circumstances. 

So they decided they’d be in that stage for a while and see how things went. After this they saw eachother Thursday (the 23/02), even though he was meant to have football.. And he said she wasn’t sure of her emotions because of everything that had been going on so she wanted to stay friends until he was sure because she wants things to work and to not hurt him. I really respect her for wanting to be sure and everything because it shows that she does care about him. 

Me and Ben saw eachother Sunday (the 26/02) for the day and he said about his feelings and not being sure what to do. After our time he told me that he was happy to stay friends with her, or be friends with benefits but doesn’t want to get into a relationship with her because of her smoking, her job prospects, the fact he’s gonna be moving away possibly, their argumentative tendencies and stuff, I wasn’t and still not too sure if that’s how he will continue to feel because it was during our time so i worried I could have influenced those feelings during that point in time. ‘time will tell’ as I told him.