kirstysthoughts

[kirstysthoughts]

03/03 -

I had concerns about my dad drinking and I’m still not sure if any of my previous worries were correct but I do know that on Saturday the 11th) he did have a drink. I was suspicious so I kept my eye on him and then told my mum about it on the Sunday. She had words with him and he admitted to it, hopefully he will know how much we want to and will support him through this. 

I also found medication he’s been taking because of the alcohol. He has been taking 2 prescribed medications and one unsubscribed liver one. 

[kirstysthoughts]

10/02 -

I haven’t had time to write here unfortunately but I think we’ll talk about Ben and a girl he’s gotten close to.

He has been giving her a lift to and from work everyday for money, he’s not making a profit from it, it’s just to cover the petrol costs, it’s being done on a ‘tab’ so the money piles up until she can pay the money back on payday - although the first payday has already gone and she’s given loads of excuses why she can’t pay (worrying) but he wouldn’t give in until she does because he’s also been paying for her food/drinks etc. when they’ve been out places.

Sooo, the first day they saw eachother outside of work (Monday 30/01) was when they went out to a chinese restaurant for a meal, he told me that they went to hers so she could get changed and then went to his so he could get changed and then they went - he said it was really nice and he made her laugh by being bad with the chopsticks and he was force fed lots of different food.

The next day they saw eachother straight after work and they played pool. He said that she was less relaxed since it was as if there was something wrong - he thought it might have been because she was still in her work uniform.

On Wednesday I was talking to Ben having a general chat and then:

I asked: What have you been up to so far this week?

Him: Work, seen Shannon a bit and slept ;P and tv..

Me: You saw Shannon? :o what’d you dooo?

Him: Had dinner Monday and played pool yesterday.

My response was that I wanted to know why they saw eachother, like if it was as friends or dates, so:

I asked: Oohhh like a date?

Me: Call meee?

*I called him*

Him: Nooooo as mates

Him: Can’t talk

Me: Whyy?

Him: Sorryyy

Him: At hospital as shes had a throat thing and couldnt get up

Me: What? (I was confused)

Me: Explain?

Him: Got an issue with her throat but her parents have had drinks so she couldn’t get up to hospital

I’ll be honest, I was nervous, worried, confused - it was like ‘oh yeah I’ve spent a little time with her - y’know 2 days in a row and I’m with her right not because I’m driving her around everywhere’

So I was annoyed and worried so showed him, which I didn’t like, because I wanna be supportive. It was just all confusing.

He called me while he drove home, it was hard because the sound was a difficulty so he called me back when he got home.

On the phone he gave me the details of their not dates dates. He also told me that she’d suggested for her birthday that she wanted to go out with people from work and then suggested that he could go out for drinks with her and her parents and stay afterwards - she also said something I found weird, she suggested he could ‘bunk with her’ considering that they’d known eachother just over a week I found this strange, it continued to bother me for the rest of the week - I did rant at him a little about it when I called on Saturday.

So Ben told me more about there time and stuff on Sunday when we saw eachother.  After wednesday she was off work Thursday and Friday but they saw eachother the whole day saturday (the 4/02) - he went in the morning and then picked her brother up form his carehome took them all to the farm that her dad works at (including her mum), played pool with her, her mum and brother, then played football with her brother (Trafford) and then went rollerskating, he told me that at the place he got jealous of a guy because he had his arms around Shannon and stuff for a litle while so he spoke about that and how Trafford noticed and kept asking if he was okay. Ben isn’t very good at skating - it’s really quite funny but obviously frustrating for him because he wanted to do well to impress her and stuff. 

I said more was to come but I forgot to write more about the matter. 

So 03/03 -

We saw eachother the day after this and we spoke about her four just over an hour. 

Since then they spent more time together, on the Monday they went to his house and watched tv, I think they watched Gotham, he told me they cuddled (and then later that week said it felt kinda forced but was still nice). On the Wednesday or Thursday they went out for drinks with two other people called Jodie and (can’t remember). After drinks Shannon said she couldn’t go home because she was ‘drunk’ and said how she’d get kicked out if she went home like that, so I found out that because she didn’t wanna sleep at Ben’s he drove around with her and the two others trying to find a hotel to stay at for the night, they couldn’t find any because they were all booked up, so they ended up in Sheffield. Of course him and Shannon shared a room and a bed. 

Then on Friday he went out for drinks with her and her parents, he didn’t have alcohol (as I imagine he didn’t the night/couple of nights before) she kept storming off and acting weirdly to her parents and to Ben. It really did sound bad and wasn’t nice for him, especially since she kept treating him badly throughout the whole week. He told me that she’d offer other people lifts, with his car and would expect him to take her anywhere she wanted to go. 

The day after (Saturday the 11/02) he called me in the morning to explain about the night before and then later that day he text me, saying that him and Shannon had an argument because she was saying that she didn’t owe her that much and because he said wouldn’t give her a lift that day. What happened was she wanted to go back rollerskating to see her friends and a friend of hers was paying for her to go, she needed a lift there so wanted him to go with her but he didn’t want to go because he doesn’t enjoy rollerskating (as I said) and also didn’t want to take his whole afternoon/evening there, or on his own in the city wasting time while she was there. She couldn’t understand the fact that he wasn’t just going to do anything she asked for him so got mad. In the end he gave in and said he would take her if she payed him petrol money on hand, so he came over to my house for an hour/hour and a half to waste time because I’m the closest person he knows to the city. He gave her more time than he said he would, but when he got there she was outside smoking and asked if she could have another 5 minutes, he said yeah unwillingly but he wanted to be home for 10 because of a snow warning out for that night. He waited inside, so after 15 or so minutes (when it was 10) he tried to shout her name for them to leave but she blanked him, he said that he shouted to try and get her attention. She continued to blank him and at one point she took off her skates so he thought they were leaving but she went to the toilet (with the guy Ben got jealous of the previous week) and then came back and put her skates back on. This was after about half an hour. Ben went to wait inside his car because he was fed up and then after a while she went outside smoking with some friends. Ben said that he decided that was it, so he pulled up beside her so she got in. She didn’t talk to him in the car and then started talking to someone on the phone, after the phone call she asked Ben if he would take her and her brother somewhere (maybe rollerskating) the next weekend, he said no because he was pissed off and was busy so she asked why and he explained. When he arrived at her house he told her he wouldn’t give a lift to her to work on monday and drove off. The next day she text him saying that if she couldn’t get to work monday she would tell work it was his fault. 

That week they didn’t talk at all and he told me that people at work had taken his side regardless of the bullshit she was saying about him. People at work had previously already voiced their concern that she was using him. 

On Sunday morning (the 19/02) she text him apologising, she said she would pay for food for him and also wanted him to meet her careworkers who she wanted to visit to collect money. He spoke to me as all the messages came through and we decided it was either go to hopefully get the money he was owed back or not go because of the morals since she wasn’t nice to him and used him. He decided to go, she said she would give him half of whatever she got that day. Later that night I messaged him asking how it went, expecting him to be home (not with her). It turns out they were still together, like 5-6 hours after. He said he’d kinda forgiven her and didn’t think she was using him. That evening she explained everything, they cleared the air and everything and then on the way home they were talking - he told me that she said she did have feelings for him and thought that they could work in a relationship but she’d want to be a in ‘fwb stage’ beforehand. She then said how she hadn’t had sex in over a year (idk how they started talking about that :/) and he joked saying they could go to his and he could help her. He told me he was literally taking her home, in the right lane to take her and she moved the steering wheel to put him in the lane to go to his house. While they were at his they didn’t have sex, he fingered her and they had ‘dry sex’. He told me that she was willing for them to have sex, even though they were downstairs on the sofa, with the curtains open and his brother upstairs. He didn’t want to because he had worries about it with everything and due to the circumstances. 

So they decided they’d be in that stage for a while and see how things went. After this they saw eachother Thursday (the 23/02), even though he was meant to have football.. And he said she wasn’t sure of her emotions because of everything that had been going on so she wanted to stay friends until he was sure because she wants things to work and to not hurt him. I really respect her for wanting to be sure and everything because it shows that she does care about him. 

Me and Ben saw eachother Sunday (the 26/02) for the day and he said about his feelings and not being sure what to do. After our time he told me that he was happy to stay friends with her, or be friends with benefits but doesn’t want to get into a relationship with her because of her smoking, her job prospects, the fact he’s gonna be moving away possibly, their argumentative tendencies and stuff, I wasn’t and still not too sure if that’s how he will continue to feel because it was during our time so i worried I could have influenced those feelings during that point in time. ‘time will tell’ as I told him. 

[kirstysthoughts]

01/27 - I think my dad has been drinking again, not excessively but it means that he has relapsed which obviously is never a good thing. Yesterday he went to Argos and Laura Ashley and when he came back it was a as if he had been drinking a bit but I might have just have been getting paranoid over nothing, but it was a weird coincidence as he had been out and then was acting weird. And then today when he got back it was similar and he kept dropping things and stuff when he was in the shower - I dunno, I guess I just need to confront either him or my mum about it but I'm worried to ask because I'm probably just overthinking it and then I dunno, dunno what the worst thing that could happen would be. Yeah I should talk to my mum about it

[kirstysthoughts]

01/27 -

So I haven't had the best of weeks but it's had it's good moments - such as Wednesday night. I went for a meal with old school friends for my friend's 18th birthday. I had a 'skinny bird' burger, salad, chips and 2 drinks for only £9.80. When I ate the burger I cut it into slices so not to be messy. During the meal my friend Chloe said quite a few funny things that made me miss her and it was just a nice feel. After the meal we went into Chloe's and Katy's cars to go back to Esther's house for prosecco (well not Emily she went home because she was being anti-social and weird) it was really funny and made me laugh a lot when we were trying to get out the car park because Katy was messing about and the on the drive there It was funny. When we arrived at Esther's we were blocked in by Katy who parked as closely behind Chloe's car as possible. When we got in I ate a REALLY nice roses chocolate which tasted like caramel brownie icecream because it was amazing! And then we drank prosecco and spoke for a while. I enjoyed it overall even though I dont feel like I participated in a large amount of conversation - there wasn't really much conversation in a weird way, without it being uncomfortable at the meal, I cant explain it really.

[kirstysthoughts]

01/22 - So, today I had two (what I call) breakdowns - I couldn't stop crying, couldn't breathe and couldn't think rationally. The first one lasted between half an hour and an hour and then the second lasted for around 2 hours, both of which were within 6 hours of eachother while I was home alone doing school work. Everything became too much last night, when I realised the extent of work I had to do and how unorganised my mind, room and revision schedule is. I was meant to sort out my application for apprenticeships as well as the fact I need to prepare for my university interview which is in 2 weeks. Today I was getting really mad at simple things, I got annoyed and frustrated because I lost my todo list and almost started crying and then I got annoyed at Ben because we cant be ordinary friends and go on holiday etc. So I started having even worse thoughts. I continued to get mad at stuff which then triggered the first breakdown.

During the first breakdown I calmed by breathing down and started digging my fingers into my hands and my arms, I also calmed by distracting myself with school work and during the second I started getting worst thoughts about hurting myself, to take the anger out on myself rather than someone/something else, I dug my nails into my hands, arms and hips. It wasn't enough but I tried to stay calm. I then went to the bathroom, I was looking for something and somewhere to hurt myself, I went back to my room and tried to take the emotions out with a sock by clenching it and pulling it to try and rip it apart however it didn't work and I realised how stupid I was for what I was thinking and doing so I dropped it and lay on my bed for a while crying and breathing heavily. I then walked downstairs to get a knife, I went behind the fridge and put the knife to my hip but couldn't bring myself to do it. I just couldn't do it. I put the knife back and went upstairs before I could change my mind. I got 82% in some questions and then in the student guide I got annoyed for a couple of questions I couldn't do because I hadn't learnt the content yet, so after doing the questions, marking them and trying to understand them I realised so tried to tipex the writing so I can redo it after I've learnt it. While I was going tumblr stuff Ben called while he walked home and then we ended up talking for almost an hour, it was honestly lovely, he didn't know there was anything wrong but it was just what I wanted. I messaged him about all this a couple of hours ago and he sent me an amazing poem he wrote, while I read it all I wanted to do was tell him how much I love him. Here's the poem:

I’ve come a long way, From that boy I once was, The one always in a corner, Scared and scarred. I don’t know what to say, To make sense to you, But this is the story, It’s all that I can do.

(Start)

So, I was 13, quite a bit younger, Just on the end of a break up I wonder, Why the fuck’s there so much prejudice around? Someone needs to stand their ground. So I look them face-to-face, And my heart starts to race, And I challenge what they say, Then I realise it’s gonna be a long day. So they look at me like a twat, Aim at me when they spat, ‘Enjie you know this ain’t your battle, Just follow them like the rest of the cattle’. So I just kept fighting, I can’t get struck twice by lightning, So nothing else can go wrong, Right??? Fuck now I don’t belong!

I guess in a place like this  there’s no where to go, No where you’re safe, no where to call home. No where that stops the taunting, Or stops that hate, So I just hid myself, This can’t be my fate. (Middle) So I’m in a field, they put me on the floor, Then thought ‘fuck it’ I won’t take no more, So I leapt back up and went straight to his face, Oh my god my heart will race. I’m so scared in that place, Fear is running across my face, What happens next my heart dictates, ‘Enjie hit him in the face’. My brain replies ‘no stand down’, ‘Oh fuck off and stand your ground’, So I stand in a panic and don’t know what to do, But in the end I just laugh at you. So I learn how to fight so don’t want to run, Only then I realised what I’d done, Was the right thing, the best for me, As then she came and spoke to me.

I guess in a place like this  there’s no where to go, No where you’re safe, no where to call home. No where that stops the taunting, Or stops that hate, So I just hid myself, This can’t be my fate. No fuck that, I love this place, Now I always have somewhere to go, And with her I always feel safe, And now I see my home. It’s a place where I belong, Where there is no hate, A place where I feel strong, Oh please be my fate. (End) She took my hand and pulled me aside, Slowly managed to open my mind, Saw all the stress and all the pain, And somehow made it all go away. Then she took my hand like no one else, I knew I’d never be by myself, Ever again or feel afraid, Because now I know that I’ve paid. My debt to life, now I have to squander, How I made it through my depression I still wonder, Was it down to her, should I even care, I’m just fucking grateful she was there. So just remember if you’re ever struggling, Or hurting and don’t know what to do, Don’t ever hurt yourself, just remember, If they aren’t, I will be here for you.

[kirstysthoughts]

17/01 - 

So I have really struggled today around people and I still feel awfully anti-social, I can’t be bothered to have social interaction, whatsoever. I’m just generally finding it frustrating being around people - they get in the way, are ignorant, selfish etc. I’ve really been trying my best but it isn’t easy. 

[kirstysthoughts]

[kirstysthoughts]

My time with Elise last night and this morning was great! I enjoyed it a lot, I found conversation just flowed so I didn’t get worn out from the socialising. We went to Nando’s and had a shared platter and after went to Turtle Bay for cocktails - I can’t believe there isn’t more of a hype for Turtle Bay because it was amazing there (although expensive). It was nice to go out and have fun! 

[kirstysthoughts]

I feel really tired and exhausted. I was full of life and conversation before but I’ve lost it at the moment and going for a meal tonight with family. I hope I do okay.

[kirstysthoughts]

10/01 - It's me, again. I feel content for the first time in ages and I'm proud of myself for that. I used to get upset if I was alone for a while, such as being home alone but now it's okay. I reached a point where I couldn't go to school because my anxiety was too bad to cope, and now I'm okay. I had multiple panic attacks because of going to the restaurant at school, but now I can go in with no worries. I know all these things may be temporary but I'm just happy that they're there at least for now.

[kirstysthoughts]

10/01 - I saw Ben yesterday and it was honestly amazing - because we haven’t been talking very much through text we had loads to say to eachother so we talked loads. It makes me smile so much thinking about our time together because it was so nice catching up with him and hearing about what he’s been up to. I have a busy week this week, well for me it’s a busy week, I saw him yesterday (Monday), tomorrow is counselling and maybe the cinema, Thursday is a meal with my parents and auntie and uncle, then Friday is going for a meal with Elise and maybe a sleepover and Saturday I’m meant to be going out for food with Esther. It makes me happy doing lots of socialising especially since I’m not a nervous wreck at the moment. Happy times, for once. 

[kirstysthoughts]

follow my Instagram for more sunsets 

[kirstysthoughts]

07/01 - I feel like I need to explain to someone what happened when I went out drinking with Ben - but they’d judge me. So I’m going to write it here. 

It was on Tuesday 27th December, we exchanged gifts as soon as he got to my house. I bought him some chocolate caramel things and a personalized calendar, the pictures I chose were of the dogs he/his grandparents own or used to own because he is a dog lover and dogs mean a lot to him so it was a perfect well thought through present. When we exchanged gifts we tried to guess what everything was, so while he was opening the calendar gift wrap he was trying to guess what it was and didn’t succeed so I started smiling because I was excited to see his reaction but also nervous. When he finally opened it I felt as if he was skeptical of my choice of present and while looking through each picture/month I knew he was reacting but I wasn’t sure how - I wasn’t sure if I had somehow managed to annoy him. Then when he got to the last month (December) he said ‘this better not be Lotty’ a dog he used to have when he was young and his parents went through the divorce. He then hugged me and started crying so I quickly went to close the door since my parents were upstairs. He cried for a little while and then said that I know him better than anyone and he had been talking to his mum about it - it made me smile a lot and he also mentioned that he doesn’t wanna lose me which was sweet.

I should explain the part where we went out.. 

We had pre-drinks first, I was kindof annoyed about the fact he brought alcohol into the house and wasn’t very discrete about it and it still winds me up thinking about it, but he bought cider for us to drink before leaving the house. The first one we drank throughout half an hour/an hour and then the second we had to down, I couldn’t down mine but drank it as fast as I physically could - it was really pushing myself and felt HORRIBLE - I felt the acid keep coming up my throat and I was convinced multiple times that I was going to be sick. It made me feel ill for the next hour or so, so once we arrived at the first pub and ordered our drinks I couldn’t drink it because I felt like i was going to be sick - so he drank it for me so we could get to the next place before it got too busy. I’m glad we decided to change places because it had a much nicer atmosphere and was quieter - I really enjoyed our time there. I had a cider there, we had 4/5 jaegerbombs each and 2 sambucas. I loved the sambucas they tasted like maniseed so I really enjoyed it. We spoke about Mikey and his other work friends and played would you rather (have sex with). It allowed us to be very open with eachother and we were definitely honest which I appreciated. He mentioned he’d rather we be honest close friends rather than be weird sexual friends so I’ve taken that on board. During the day before going out he kept mentioning getting a blowjob while we were drunk - he was partially joking. When we left which was about 11:30pm I didn’t wanna go home yet because I thought my parents would force us to go to sleep and I really didn’t want the night to end yet so I asked if we could walk the long way home which is past a river, park and lots of houses. We held hands - it was random and he asked I dunno why we did it haha but it made me feel safer because it was so late (to me at least). We walked down and I said how much I’d loved our night. I’m not quite sure about the build up but when we got to the alley way near the river (where we used to sit at the start of our relationship to eat doughnuts and cookies we bought during our walks) and I gave him a blowjob. It was quite aggressive and involved deepthroating however I didn’t gag or anything - he had a torch to keep look out for anyone and I did it for a while and then I sat down on the wall while he took control and did it. Afterwards we walked home, still holding hands. I still didn’t wanna go back inside when we got to my house so we sat on a wall nearby and he tried to climb a tree which didn’t work so I forced him to sit down, it was cold but we were deep in conversation. 

We went back eventually and walked into the house verrryyy quietly so not to wake my parents up (since it was now about 1 in the morning) the rest I can’t remember.. 

All I remember was 3 different seconds in time. The first was him behind me while I was in the correct position for anal, the second was with me on top of him - him telling my to be quieter and with him telling me to stop because he’d gone soft and the last was the briefest of all the seconds which was walking upstairs. I don’t remember getting into my room or even getting into bed. I just woke up in the morning with us spooning - it was an incredible feeling to be quite honest as his arm was around me and we were so close together which was amazing. I slowly started to recall the night, i wasn’t sure what happened downstairs I just remembered something had happened. I knew we couldn’t have had sex because I was on my period, but I really hoped we hadn’t had anal because whenever Ben insisted in the past I never wanted to, because I hate the idea of it, it disgusts me even now. There was no signs of anything downstairs, I had some water while I was there. 

When I woke up more after cuddling more in bed (with him partially awake) I went to try and sleep on the floor - worrying about how my parents would react about the fact we slept in the same room rather than in separate rooms like we are supposed to and trusted to do.  My mum got up eventually so I went into the bathroom to apologise as soon as I possibly could and she wasn’t happy, she asked if anything had happened and I said no, because really at the time I didn’t think anything had, but I probably would have lied anyways because otherwise she would have been even more annoyed. 

When I came back in Ben was awake so I asked him what happened at the end of the night and I felt so ashamed, honestly I felt as if he took advantage of me - I know we were both drunk but he was more sober and in control than me and he knew my opinion on anal. I dunno, but in a weird way, since it happened it’s closure for our relationship. Which is good. 

[kirstysthoughts]

03/01 - I had trouble sleeping last night, because of nerves and I was thinking about mine and Ben's relationships when we got back together in October, I was thinking about how we had planned to go away on holiday, we planned it so soon after getting back together but then he became unsure about us so I decided it was best to end things. I think he had feelings for someone else during the time we were together which really hurts and I'm not sure how he actually felt about me, he told me he still loved me but I'm not sure if we were on the same wavelength - when I told him I loved him I meant I was in love with him but I don't think that's how he felt about me. I want to ask him. Saying this makes me feel so stupid, as if we're one of those silly relationships but it isn't like that - I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him and we both thought being together was what was best but we turned out to be wrong and thankfully finally realised it when we gave our relationship another chance.

Regardless of these uncertain thoughts I had a good first day back and that's what I'm concentrating my attention towards.

When I entered psychology Elise was really happy to see me and hugged me enthusiastically, she said she missed me which meant a lot and it felt genuine. We spent the next free together and had a chat, she told me she was going on a date with her best friend of three years who she's had feelings for, for ages. I was so happy for her and we've arranged to go to Nando's together. Next I had learning for life, during lunch I was calm and me and Danni had a laugh because she said 'imagine life without knees or elbows?' so we tried to move our limbs without bending them which was funny. In biology me and Heather didn't do much work because we were talking too much, we spoke about her Christmas and about her time out for the new year - she invited me out with her sometime, properly rather than a suggestion in the past. I've been thinking about it a lot since then and realised I don't have many clothes suitable for going out, woops.

[kirstysthoughts]

It’s always great to start things on a high. Today was my first day back at school and it was good! 

[kirstysthoughts]

[kirstysthoughts]

So I want to post my thoughts because I realise I always have a lot going on which I either hold in or only ever tell one person -which is my best friend (who happens to be my ex-boyfriend), so I want somewhere to vent my thoughts and experiences. Which is here.